friend won’t pay my cancellation fee, car alarm disrupts our office, and more

by Alison Green on December 4, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My friend/client won’t pay my cancellation fee

I have a friend who I met because we both enjoy certain sports. I’ll call him Frank. I only see Frank when I am involved in this sport, but it’s a small community, so everyone knows each other. Because my business caters to this sport and others like it, Frank decided he would like to use my service. And because he is a friend, I gave him a discounted price. My business is appointment based and I can only see one client at a time, so we have a strict 24-hour rescheduling policy. He has cancelled his appointment many times without proper notice, leaving me in a lurch. I explained to him that I am unable to see other clients as I cannot double book my time and not always able to fill the hole in my schedule on short notice. When I confront him about this, he gets very angry and says he is not a “client” (he is “more than that”) and do not treat him as such. He refuses to pay the cancellation fee.

Meanwhile, an ex-employee who was fired for insubordination and stealing clients, is siding up to Frank — disparaging my name and my company, all the while trying to steal him as a client. Because of Frank’s flaky nature, I’m not to sure this wouldn’t be a bad thing.

The problem is that Frank is very good at certain athletics and is a featured client on our advertising campaign. In addition to that, he knows many people in the sporting community and word gets around. Should I suck it up? Or set a boundary, change my campaign, and let the chips fall as they may?

Wow, Frank is being a real a-hole here. Since he’s a friend, he should get to mess up your schedule and cause you to repeatedly lose income? That’s precisely the opposite of how it should be.

Any chance you can say to him, “You’re right, you’re a friend. I don’t want this to interfere with our friendship, so I’m going to refer you to another business for this work from now on.” Or if it would go over better if it wasn’t personalized to him, you could say, “I’ve realized it’s too messy to take business from friends, so I have a new policy of referring friends to other providers.”

Alternately, you could tell him you’re willing to keep seeing him but need to get payment in advance and can’t book the appointment without that.

But yeah, it sounds like losing him as a client would be a good thing. It also might be a good idea to change the advertising campaign that features him, if that’s not a huge pain — or at least to be prepared to do it if he gets more difficult.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. A car alarm is disrupting our office many times per hour

My office is small, one story, and located on a relatively busy street. There is a car that parks along the street directly in front our our building, and this car has a VERY sensitive car alarm. This has always been an issue since I started here, almost three years ago. The owner of said car previously used to have a car where the alarm system blared every single time a car would zip by. It didn’t matter if it was a smart car or a 4×4 lifted diesel truck, that alarm would go off. Every. Single. Time. Now, she has a different car, with an even more obnoxious car alarm. Sometimes it takes her 2-5 minutes to walk outside the building and turn it off, and it often happens nearly every 5-10 minutes. This is maddening. We are unable to hear clients on phone calls and unable to focus on work because her car alarm is blaring for what seems like hours, every 10 minutes. It is so bad, we have two clients that refuse to meet in our office, which is an issue because of the nature of our work.

The reason that we don’t know what to do is that this car does not belong to one of our employees. It belongs to someone in the next door office. I have suggested calling next door and requesting the employee park across the street in the communal lot, rather than right outside our front door, thinking that if it is located in the lot, it won’t be triggered by street noises. This was shut down because they don’t want to cause any hostile tensions between us and that company. They also believe this will come off as controlling. I have also suggested writing a friendly note and leaving it on her car, letting her know her car alarm is very disruptive to our business and the others on the street. This was also called too aggressive (which, who cares at this point). Aside from it being disruptive and giving me regular headaches, I am positive that this has to be annoying for the owner too. Having to get up from your desk to turn off your car alarm every 5-10 minutes has got to be disruptive and aggravating to her too, so I am really at a loss as to why she even wants to park there knowing she is gonna be pulled away from her desk to turn off the alarm. Do you or your readers have any suggestions?

P.S. I decided to track the alarm and how long it blasts each time it goes off. In the last 49 minutes, her car alarm has gone off seven times. Since it takes her so long to turn off the alarm, the alarm has been blasting for a combined 28 minutes. I am losing it.

Good lord, how is this woman okay with going outside leaving seven times in an hour to turn a car alarm? How is her employer okay with it? I do not understand this situation.

In any case, leave the note. You don’t need your employer’s permission to leave the note, as long as you don’t identify your company in it. Leave a note saying you work nearby, the alarm is giving you headaches and driving away clients, and beg her to disable the alarm (which clearly isn’t serving any function at this point) or try parking in the lot. That said, this is not someone who is governed by logic, so the note may make no difference.

Your other, and perhaps better, option is to report it to your local police. Many cities will cite car owners whose alarms go off too frequently.

– 2019

Read updates to this letter here and here.

3. Coworker’s son comes to work and has bad bathroom etiquette

I have a question that I hope will be funny for you and your readers despite the abject horror it has caused me and my colleagues. A C-suite person in our (small, 15-person) office occasionally brings her 12-year-old son to work with her due to childcare issues. My coworkers and I have no problem with this and are all very sympathetic to the plight of working parents. However, there is a major issue: the son regularly pees with the bathroom door wide open (not just one or two inches ajar). We have a single occupancy bathroom on this floor, which is shared by eight colleagues. The other workers are on another floor. Not only does he pee loudly and with the door open, but he frequently misses the toilet, leaves pee on the seat/floor, and doesn’t wash his hands. I know this because, sadly, my desk is right near the bathroom. We put a sign in the bathroom imploring all to wipe the seat if needed, but that doesn’t stop the son. The mother is known to be petty and vindictive, and HR is very hands-off. What to do?

The next time you see him going in the bathroom, say, “Cyril, please shut the door when you use the bathroom here.” Handle it just like you’d handle “Cyril, don’t run in the halls here” or “don’t throw those papers all over the place.” You might need to say it repeatedly until it sticks. Until then, if he’s in there with the door wide open, someone should walk over and close the door.

You can do the same with the mess: “Hey, you left a mess in here. Please come back and clean it up.” Every time. This will require you and your coworkers paying attention when he’s just left the bathroom but it sounds like it’s warranted.

In normal circumstances, you’d ask his mother to handle all of this, but since you describe her as petty and vindictive, you’re probably better off just dealing with it directly. Alternately, it’s reasonable to tell HR they need to intervene (the fact that they’re hands-off doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t, especially if you push hard enough) — but the fastest path here is just to tell Cyril directly what he needs to change. (And if you have any worries the mom will complain, let your manager and/or HR know ahead of time you’re planning to handle it yourselves so they’ve got that context before they hear from her.)

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

4. IT guy remotely accessed my laptop when I asked him not to

Today at work I was experiencing some technical issues, and raised a ticket with our IT support team who are based in another location. Later in the day, I was having a VERY busy hour when a member of the team instant messaged me in response to the ticket. I told him that it was a really bad time and asked if we could look at the issue a bit later, but he remotely accessed my computer anyway! (As in, he could see my screen and had taken over control of its function.)

Am I in the wrong for feeling like this out of order? Not only was it a bad time, but I actually had my online banking open in my browser which I would have preferred to have kept private. And what if I had been halfway through a presentation with an important client?!

On the other hand, I guess his job is to fix things — not to wait on a time that’s convenient for me, and I suppose I have no right to any real privacy on a company computer. I don’t know — I’m torn! What do you think?

I’m with you. If he absolutely had to do it right then because of his own schedule, he should have said something like, “This is the only time I’ll be able to look at it this week — okay for me to go ahead or would you rather wait until next week?”

As you pointed out, not only does this raise privacy issues (and sure, you don’t have real privacy on a work computer, but you’re still entitled to at least say, “Hold on, let me close my banking info”), but it could have been far more disruptive to your work than waiting would have been to his (like if you were presenting to a client, or dealing with a work crisis, or so forth).

– 2018

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{ 145 comments }

{ 145 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Calamity Janine*

    i remain amazed at the restraint showed by LW2 in that we don’t have an update that begins “i was going to take your advice, but while waiting for a reply everyone within two city blocks snapped and we all headed out to get our pitchforks and torches, and anyway the car alarm is now not a problem because the car was pushed into the nearest lake through inspiring community organization and team effort”

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    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      LW2 is much more patient than I’d be in that situation. And if your car alarm is that sensitive, it’s probably more likely to get your car damaged by someone who’s sick of hearing it than save it from being stolen.

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      2. Cats Ate My Croissant*

        Or ignored when it DOES get stolen because everyone is rolling their eyes going “ugh, i guess a butterfly landed on Fenella Foghorn’s precious car yet again”.

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        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Yeah, exactly. If your car alarm is sensitive enough to be set off by leaves landing on the car or a strong wind, it’s pretty much useless.

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          1. Athersgeo*

            Depends: if you’re entire intent is to annoy those around you to distraction I’d say it was working as-intended!

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      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Right? If I see someone smashing a shrieking car with a sledge hammer I’m like “Yeah! Owner parks here and has the alarm set to “Squirrel?!” and you’ve had enough. Peace! Power to the people!”

        I recall a news story about car alarms where someone who had received multiple notes from frustrated neighbors re the constant alarming one day discovered someone had taken a large nail and destroyed the paint job. She sobbed that someone had taken out their anger on an innocent car, how could people be so thoughtless?

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        1. NotRealAnonForThis*

          I do not know HOW a vehicle like this escaped damage being that it was parked outside a college dormitory and right next door to a second one (we were fairly certain the owner worked at the local hospital a block over). RAIN set off the alarm. I know it was brought to the dorm director’s attention via the “all_residents_dormname” intranet messages, and those message were darkly amusing very quickly!

          I do not know the resolution but something must have happened as after November of that year…they were no longer parked there.

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        2. Ali + Nino*

          I know it’s wrong, but I would have been very tempted to key the car in this letter. I think this was the first letter that made me feel physical rage.

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      4. Learn ALL the things*

        I don’t even understand why people still use car alarms. Literally no one who hears a car alarm go off thinks “oh my goodness, that car is being stolen, I must notify the police!” The reaction is universally to give a heavy, frustrated sigh and go, “really? Ugh.”

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        2. Jackalope*

          I lived in a city for awhile where many (most?) people had overly sensitive car alarms, and there was a huge feral dog population. The dogs would constantly set off the alarms by passing the cars, thumping them with their tails, etc., and then start barking and/or howling at the alarms. All. The. Time. I wished so many times that the city would just outlaw cat alarms. And as you point out, they were so frequent that no one considered them a warning of possible car theft, just obnoxious background noise.

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        3. Antilles*

          Two words: Security theater.
          Your car alarm isn’t stopping a dedicated car thief intent on taking your car. It’s certainly not stopping someone from stealing something from inside the car, because the thief will be long gone with your purse before anybody can even glance up. But it *does* make owners feel more secure to see it on the feature list.
          In terms of actual uses, I suspect the most common real-world use for car alarms is the owner themselves hitting the panic button after forgetting wait which row did I park in.

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        4. LCH*

          right? if her alarm is going off that much, what is even the point? she’s never going to think something is really wrong. maybe it’s more like, if i constantly hear the alarm, i know my car is still there.

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        5. Lexi Vipond*

          The only time I ever hear them is on Calmac ferries, for some reason cars are always convinced the ferry is stealing them.

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        6. Meep*

          My husband’s car got broken into about five years back when we lived in a condo. Alarm didn’t even go off.

          Meanwhile, our city (Tucson, AZ) is between an airbase in the south and training airbase north of us so we have those silly military jets setting off car alarms frequently in the middle of the city as they go between the two to practice their exercises. I will say, it is really fun to watch Nextdoor when that happens.

          Usually some poor hapless newcomer asks about if it is a frequent occurrence because it set off their car alarm. Cue a swarm of oldheaded men hounding them on why they HATE freedom so much. 9/10 times they aren’t even veterans. Just jerks eagle screeching because someone who just moved into the city without realizing we had an military air yard in town asked a simple question.

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          1. Polaris*

            Honest question as I live in a similar situation, right down to the “ya new here Precious? How’d you miss the big @$$ military base on the map?” responses in the local FB group.

            How did that get missed?

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            1. Meep*

              Believe it or not, most people don’t actually give two fudges about what our military does and where it is. Unlike boomers, the other generations aren’t into military worshipping.

              Besides, there is a huge university that is the 2nd largest employer in the city so many people asking are students here to learn or check. Why should they think to check?

              Though, I will admit, Raytheon is the #1 employer.

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          2. LCH*

            yeah, one of my back windows was smashed, but this wasn’t enough to trigger the alarm. apparently it only goes off when a door is opened (for that particular car, Honda). like 20 years ago, i remember loud thunder was enough to set off lots of alarms.

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    2. bamcheeks*

      But she’d just have bought another car! I am baffled by someone being so committed to their over-sensitive alarms that it follows them across three cars!

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      1. Nah*

        Honestly, I’m 90% convinced this was the employee’s answer to getting out of work constantly. “Sorry boss, gotta go turn off my car alarm for the seventh (seventh!) time in one hour! Toodles!”

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        1. Sneaky Squirrel*

          I’m honestly surprised that nobody in her company either knew about this or cared about this. Does this employee not have meetings or labor intensive work that she can continuously afford to walk out of the building 7x per hour? I have 3 back to back meetings today alone, each an hour long. I can’t imagine my managers would be very pleased if I stepped out of a meeting 7 times to go address my car.

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          1. PurpleShark*

            And can’t you just point a fob at it? Do you really need to walk outside to address it? It is COLD where I am and I would not be happy having to put on my gear to turn off the car alarm.

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        2. LaurCha*

          Same. I can’t believe her manager tolerated her leaving the office like 5 times an hour to turn off her alarm! For months! That itself is bananapants.

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        4. Random Bystander*

          That’s what I was thinking. Along with wondering if she was a smoker who was using the “gotta turn off the car alarm” to get extra breaks for smoking.

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      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I wonder if they were so worried about their car (or something in it) getting stolen that they intentionally had their alarms set to the highest sensitivity level.

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        1. Lenora Rose*

          They should still be able to tell that the alarm going off 7 times in 49 minutes, EVERY SINGLE DAY, is too much, and the alarm is not doing anything useful at all. No matter how anxious you are, there comes a point it is self evident that the cure is worse than the disease.

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      3. Bilateralrope*

        The updated mention that they are aftermarket alarms.

        Which makes me wonder if it’s the same alarm in each car. Or she bought the same model of alarm each time.

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      4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        Considering she got hostile when the police chief told her to either move her car or get rid of the car alarm, I think annoying people is the point of them. She’s a nasty person who enjoys bothering others.

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        1. Where’s the Orchestra?*

          Oh I was totally team “she enjoys annoying the rest of the world” combined with a heavy secondary dose of “excuse why I’m behind on my work boss.”

          But really glad in the end things did work out well for everybody but Alarm Karen.

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      1. Abogado Avocado*

        Exactly! If LW#2 is still reading AAM, please know it’s wonderful to learn that that this grating car alarm finally ended in peace for you and your office and to wonderful friendships with your across-the-hall neighbor, his wife and his father. That’s the kind of community I’d love to live in.

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    4. HonorBox*

      I agree. I’d have lost my ever loving mind in that 49 minute period where the alarm was going off for 28 minutes. And that’s just a small part of one day.

      Before I got to the updates, I kept thinking about the fact that there’s a communal parking lot directly across the street AND the fact that many businesses do something to ensure that customers have access to parking directly in front of those businesses. Why on earth was an employee allowed to park there in the first place.

      I’m glad it all worked out. And it goes to show once again that it isn’t what you know, but WHO you know.

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  2. Anonychick*

    Re: LW4

    Both LW and Alison mentioned personal privacy issues AND client presentations, but the first place my mind jumped to was the intersection of those: what if the screen had held a CLIENT’s private info? Because it seems to me like there are probably plenty of situations in plenty of different industries in which a client would be fine with their usual Llama Blanket Consultant, or even the whole Design Department of Chocolate Teapots, Inc, having their company’s financial information pulled up on a work computer, but that doesn’t mean it’s a reasonable expectation that they’d be okay with Random IT Guy #1 unexpectedly also having access to that info.

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    1. T2*

      As an IT professional, I am of three minds about this. Yes the IT guy should have asked. And the price for not letting it happen is that your issue doesn’t get fixed.

      But also I have seen multiple places who place value on getting tickets closed fast rather above all else.

      But also also, in 2024. Do not ever and I mean never ever use your work computer for personal stuff. Too many horror stories have come up about this. Unless you own the company, do not do it. And I am serious.

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      1. Tegan Jovanka*

        IT person chiming in to agree 1000%. Don’t use your work computer for personal stuff, ever – especially your personal finances! Any network that isn’t your own is unsafe (and even your own home network can be unsafe if you’re not keeping up on security updates etc, but that’s another matter).

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      2. Cabbagepants*

        At many companies this advice is not possible to follow. The only way I can get a paystub, for instance, is through my company’s intranet portal.

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        1. doreen*

          When people talk about “personal stuff” at work, they aren’t talking about timesheets, paystubs or all the other items that are both work-related and personal. Looking up or downloading your paystub on the company’s intranet isn’t going to cause problems in the way that logging into your bank account might. It’s the difference between leaving a printed paystub in your desk and leaving your credit card in your desk.

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          1. Cabbagepants*

            Is it? My paystubs have PII on them (like home address and SSN). Do yours not?

            Obviously one shouldn’t have any more personal information on work computer than absolutely necessary, but let’s be real, it’s often impossible to keep it all off of there.

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            1. Colette*

              But the work network already has the information on your paystub, so you’re not adding information by accessing it at work.

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                2. Colette*

                  IT has access to everything on the network. That may not be true of every individual person in IT, of course.

                  They’re probably not looking at it – they are busy enough. But if they need to access it, they can.

                  Now, if your paystub information is with a third party company, it may not be available on your network in paystub form, but it has certainly been on your network in some form or another. You’re not adding new information by accessing it.

            2. Sneaky Squirrel*

              Mine has my personal address, however it does not have my ssn, no.

              Regardless, I think the point is more that you don’t want your employer to access more information about your personal life than they should need. Your employer needs access to your ssn and address to do business. They do not need access to your facebook password, your amazon shopping history, or your bank account information.

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              1. Where’s the Orchestra?*

                My employer blocks certain outside sites (like social media sites, Ask a Manager, all major banking sites) just as a matter of habit. They also tell you those sites are blocked for privacy (yours and clients) reasons.

                Oh, and pay stubs just have addy and employee number – which at least in my case isn’t even close to my SSN. I can’t speak to other employees because that’s not in the scope of my job.

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        2. commensally*

          Yes, I try to avoid doing any personal financial stuff on work computers (even shopping with my credit card number) but if I want to change my direct deposit, withholding, 401k contribution, etc, I need to do it on a website that’s logged in with my work security key, which for similar reasons I don’t want to use on my personal computer, and that’s all personal banking info!

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      3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Yeah. I won’t even check my personal email on my work laptop, much less banking or medical information!

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      4. Big Computer Company Refugee*

        I’ve worked tech support as well. There was always pressure to close tickets quickly, no matter how many times we explained that rushing did nobody any good and people appreciated appointments for us to remote in.

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      5. Meep*

        To your last point, my husband had a coworker who got fired for watching corn with a p on his work computer. And this place was ridiculously lax. It was a software agency that hired out their programmers and you could do whatever you want when there wasn’t work to be done. My husband programmed his own versions of Battleship, Snake, etc while being paid.

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      6. AnonInCanada*

        100% this. I don’t even log into my YouTube Music (read: Google) account from my work computer or phone. I’ll stream my music from my personal phone into the work computer speakers for my listening enjoyment (yay, Samsung DeX!) Not one iota of my personal information is available or accessible from my work computer, and I intend to keep it that way!

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      7. Elsewise*

        Right, but the issue they’re talking about here is using your computer for your client’s confidential information, which is absolutely where it should be! I often have information up on my screen that, while it’s obviously available to the organization as a whole, isn’t and shouldn’t be available to all staff.

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      8. Turquoisecow*

        My company is big on not using work machines for personal use because it puts the entire work network at risk. If I’m in the office and have some need to for personal Internet (or I’m just on break and want to read social media), I do it on my phone. This is more because I don’t want my company to know what I’m doing (not illegal or anything just personal and not work related), but the company does not want me to put them at risk by potentially downloading malware or something unintentionally.

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    2. Snow Globe*

      That’s where my mind went. In my job, I’m very likely to have private client financial data on my screen. When IT needs to look at my screen remotely, I have to click “accept” before they can do it, so I have time to close anything sensitive.

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      1. Edwina*

        And that’s how it should be! No one, not even IT should be able to remote into a computer without the user’s OK. I’m on the IT team at my company, and even when I’m on the phone with another IT colleague, they verbally ask if they can remote in, and then I have to click the button to approve it.

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        1. Edwina*

          And even when someone has left the company, a specific person from HR has to look through their files to remove any personal information before I can give their manager access to the files.

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        3. FrivYeti*

          That’s what jumped out to me. In my organization, IT has to send a request to the computer, and the person at the computer has to approve it, in order for them to start remote accessing terminals. It’s a deliberate security feature for a few reasons, including client confidentiality and adding an extra step for someone who might hijack the network through a single computer.

          Just letting IT do it remotely with no approval seems like a wild security risk.

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    3. DJ Abbott*

      Around 20 11–2012 I had a computer issue at work and IT guy called me on the phone * while he was remoting into my computer without permission*
      I had a spreadsheet up with the salaries of our department professionals.
      As soon as he saw that, IT guy left the computer and denied he had ever done it, even though I saw the icon that indicated he had remoted in.
      I don’t know if it’s still like this, but at the time IT needed me to give them a computer number before they could remote in. For the rest of my several years there, I refused to give that number when I placed a ticket and waited till I was ready for the IT guy.

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      1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

        It’s genuinely buckwild to me that IT people remote into people’s computers without asking. I don’t care if the info I’m looking at is confidential or not- if they remote in and I’m currently *working* on something, suddenly having someone else derail that by taking over the entire computer is an absolutely intolerable situation. At the very least, asking beforehand, even if it needs to be fixed immediately, lets me finish/save anything I’m working on.

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    4. Elly*

      That was my first thought too. I work at a university, and our first and second line IT team absolutely do not have the level of access to personal information that I have, and I would expect time to close out of our admissions and CRM systems before they remotely accessed my computer.

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      1. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

        Exactly. We have very strict rules about who is allowed to access certain documents and it would be a pretty serious breach if IT remoted in while I was, say, doing paperwork related to a workplace investigation into misconduct. Or someone’s FMLA or involuntary termination or accommodation paperwork.

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    5. Strive to Excel*

      This is made even trickier by the fact that a lot of IT companies are 3rd parties, not an embedded department.

      At my previous job, a client conflict got escalated up to the partners because we needed to see some very sensitive info of theirs to make sure that they were doing the accounting correctly and they were point-blank refusing to show us the sensitive info. They were capitalizing R&D costs for software after the point of viability, which is a very delicate accounting topic and requires us to see the software. Understandably they were Not Happy with the idea of their very very proprietary critical business advantage being seen by someone else. I think they settled on a screenshare with only the partner and it was a two-week fight that nearly cost them the ability to file their audit in time.

      I can only imagine the horrendous firestorm of legal problems that would have erupted if a 3rd party IT guy had remoted in right during that point. That would have been career-endingly bad. Luckily that firm had a very sensible policy that all screenshares had to be initiated by the firm employee using a one-time-only link sent to them by the IT tech.

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  3. The Joys of Defenestration*

    I swear this is a true story: I went to college in Boston (not that college) in the mid 90’s and lived in a dorm that was over 10 stories tall. The buildings nearby were mostly three-story brownstones occupied by rich people (students or otherwise) who all drive BMW 325i sedans. It was the hot model for the entitled Masshole that year, I guess. Parking was always scarce and often fought over quite violently, and car alarms fell under that rubric, too.

    One time a particular BMW (yes, 325i) was parked behind the dorm and it’s alarm just went off over and over and over and over, non stop. For at least an hour. Then suddenly there was a TREMENDOUS crash…like a battleship firing its main gun…and the car alarm stopped. Many of us poked our heads out the windows to see that some fed-up fellow dorm resident had heaved a cinderblock with perfect accuracy right onto the hood of the car in question. (!!!!)

    I don’t know from how high up it was, but it was high enough to completely destroy the entire engine compartment under the hood. Presumably that included the battery and/or the battery wires, hence no more car alarm. Needless to say, the cops were not amused. At least not at first. :)

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    1. Cabbagepants*

      The fact that you say you went to college in “Boston” already told me it wasn’t “that college.” (Joking here)

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    4. Emily Byrd Starr*

      That part about the cinder block made me laugh!
      I’m from Boston, and by “that college,” did you mean Harvard?

      Reply ↓
  4. Ashley Armbruster*

    I read the update to #1, jeez that Frank is a piece of work. I wonder if there is a newer update. I’m sure Frank is just fine and the same, but I hope OP hasn’t talked to him!

    Reply ↓
    1. Tio*

      I STRONGLY suspect that, given in the update Frank “only wanted to work with LW”, that the truth was he had reached the end of his goodwill with other companies that were NOT his friends due to similar behavior and were either charging him or firing him or both.

      Reply ↓
  5. Elf*

    Letter 2 is missing the link to the excellent updates! If you follow the link to the original story you can see them there.

    Reply ↓
      1. juliebulie*

        Thank you so much for linking to the updates! Very often, a letter is an incomplete story. The update is the gift that ties it up.

        Reply ↓
  6. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    4. That is VERY bad IT etiquette and worth a complaint. I’d be very unhappy if one of my staff did that.

    While technically we can take over control of any computer we want at any time there has to be either consent or an extremely important reason why. Most of the time we use remote desktop software that asks for some conformation from the end user.

    The idea is you treat all end users with the same respect. If you wouldn’t call up the CEO and kick her off her computer then you don’t do it to the guy at reception.

    Reply ↓
    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Eek.
      At FinalJob even after we agreed to IT taking over, there was still a pop-up where we had to click “yes”. I’d assumed this was standard or maybe legally required (EU) for privacy/data protection reasons, barring an emergency.

      Reply ↓
      1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        It is, but like you say in an emergency there’s ways around it. I’ve had the experience of a techie or two who let the power go to their heads and decide to ‘show’ their superior access and control. They either change or get fired (one of the things we can instantly fire for in the UK is gross misuse of company systems).

        When first given a system administrator level account there’s a moment where you can see the person’s reaction. Some are unfazed, some are terrified, some treat it with solemn respect and some practically jump up with glee. It’s the last ones you gotta watch.

        Reply ↓
        1. MigraineMonth*

          Personally I was annoyed, because it meant they’d given up on ever getting me the amount access I needed to do my job and just handed me the keys to the kingdom. There should be at least one security role in between “cannot create new SQL procedures” and “allowed to delete the entire production database”, dammit.

          Reply ↓
          1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

            *screams in former DBA*. Well, I know what my nightmares tonight are gonna feature.

            (I used to have a mug that said ‘If a cup of coffee doesn’t wake you up, try dropping a table on a production database instead’)

            Reply ↓
      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I’m in the US, and we use LogMeIn, which does more than one pop-up. In fact, I have to download a file with a PIN, then run it, and then click yes/OK at least 3-4 times to give them access! I’m guessing the OP’s company is using something cheap and less secure, like Remote Desktop.

        Reply ↓
      3. Meow*

        Some software allows you to disable the popup if you want to. We did for public computers when I worked at the library because we were often asked by the librarians to peek at patron’s screens to make sure they weren’t looking at something that was against library policy. One of my more interesting job duties…

        This was in the US though, so no expectation of public/computer privacy.

        Reply ↓
        1. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

          Well that’s unsettling. Obviously you don’t want folks looking at NSFW stuff in the public library but if you’re trying to file your taxes or some such… Yikes.

          Reply ↓
    2. Cinn*

      So much this. I’ve never had an access request from IT where they didn’t start by checking if “now was a good time”, and the ability to deny remote take over. The way the IT guy just took over LW4’s computer could land him in serious trouble next time he does it. (Though maybe that’s because I live somewhere with GDPR and work with people who are in jurisdictions with even stricter rules about certain types of data. So some of my assumptions might not apply.)

      Reply ↓
      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        I can only imagine the fallout if this happened (IT taking over with no warning) if I were presenting in a meeting with some of the higher ups…

        Reply ↓
    3. FashionablyEvil*

      Yeah, I was going to say—we (nominally) have to give permission for remote access and they always ask if it’s a good time/are good about saying “this will probably take 15 minutes/30 minutes/an hour” so you can plan accordingly.

      Reply ↓
      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I’m sure there probably is a way for our IT team to get into my laptop if they want to, but the way it works is that IT will ask if it’s a good time, then they remote in and a box comes up asking you to allow permission for them to view your computer, and there’s a chat box where they tell you what they’re doing and let you know how much longer it’ll be.

        Reply ↓
    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Yes. I have to give IT the password for the software that lets them look at my computer. I work part-time and I’m grateful that IT at my current job actually listens when I tell them what times I’m available. At OldJob they kept calling me when I was off and nowhere near my work laptop even when I put all the relevant info in the ticket.

      Reply ↓
    5. ian*

      Also as an IT guy, it seems bizarre that you’d even *want* to just start poking around without being able to talk to the person about what problems they’re experiencing. Unless their ticket was far more detailed than most I’ve ever seen, you’d usually want to start by confirming the scope of the problem, how it’s affecting their work, what they might have changed, etc in order to make sure you’re actually addressing the problem they have.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        I agree. On top of that, I neither wish to know nor care what was being done–after all, I can’t unsee things–and the last thing I need is to a create a(nother) nemesis to save 30 seconds of conversation.

        Reply ↓
      2. Antilles*

        That crossed my mind too, though I could imagine scenarios where it wouldn’t really be necessary. I’ve sent in IT tickets which are extremely straightforward (e.g., requesting a specific software installation) and they don’t really need any information from me. But even so, they still lead off with a greeting and asking if it’s a good time because that’s just simple politeness.

        Reply ↓
    6. El Chinero*

      Put firewall software on yer Windows unit …. the car alarm? Call the cops and say that a car is being stolen …

      Reply ↓
      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Absolutely do not install stuff on your computer to keep IT engineers out of it! That is a very very bad idea.

        Reply ↓
    7. Dontbeadork*

      Our IT guy would do that while I was in the middle of lecturing to my students. Suddenly my PPT would vanish and the cursor would go roaming about my screen. Eventually the kids and I learned to just switch to something else for the 10 minutes or so that IT screwed us up on updates that could have been pushed out after school.

      It was worse the day I needed to use my screen to show images for a couple of exam questions and they suddenly disappeared in the middle of the exam.

      Soo annoying.

      Reply ↓
  7. Emmy Noether*

    #3 This is one of the rare times I disagree with Alison. Do NOT talk to the child directly. Not because I think it’s inappropriate per se (like the LW does in the update), but because I have met this type of parent*. There’s at least a 90% chance of her going apeshit on anyone correcting her child. It will be worse than the tantrum that would follow if you talked to her.

    * Thankfully, they are not that common. They just really stand out in a bad way, which is where the cliché of “entitled parents” comes from.

    Reply ↓
  8. DontTouchMySettings*

    I am legally blind and most people find my settings frustrating because they like to see more stuff on the screen at once than is possible on my computer. The current versions of Windows no longer allow me to save my settings and reapply them at need. The settings are slightly different on different machines so they can’t easily be recreated.

    Barring emergency, I try hard not to let folks remote drive my machine. I have, without fail, had to actively stop every single person who has tried from messing up my necessary accessibility settings – despite all of them being told in advance they cannot do it. The IT guy in this letter would be a nightmare for me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Genuine thanks for this comment. I’ve worked IT for many decades and am ashamed to say I never once considered that the accomodations that I need my screens set up to work would override another person’s accomodations.

      Thank you for bringing my awareness to this.

      Reply ↓
  9. HonorBox*

    Whoa Frank. I can see giving a friend the benefit of the doubt once and writing off the loss. But repeated cancellations happening inside that notice period is absolutely not being a good friend. If I’m Frank and I believe I’m the good friend I claim to be, not only do I insist on paying for the appointment I cancel, even if the provider gives me grace once, I’m also going to make damn sure I’m not putting my friend in a bad spot again. There are legitimate reasons for cancelling, but if you’re a good client, and claim to be a good friend, you have to ensure that you are following the rules.

    And with the update, Frank seems like a real A-hole.

    Reply ↓
    1. DivergentStitches*

      I would do that for ANY service I’d signed up for, not just for a friend. I have a friend who cuts my hair at a barbershop and if I miss an appt with her of course I pay for her time. But I also did it for my son’s therapist when I brain farted and missed our appointment. It’s just common courtesy, which Frank doesn’t seem to have.

      Reply ↓
  10. El Chinero*

    IT-issue LW needs firewall software … plus when an alarm goes off call the cops that a car is being stolen. (I never hear these at all any more. 2024.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Jackalope*

      The problem with the firewall software is that often you can’t install anything on a work computer without IT permission.

      Reply ↓
    2. North Bay Teky*

      I don’t know what the IT rules are at your employer, but every employer I have had does not allow users to install software. The issue of remoting in without permission is a management issue not a software issue. That IT worker should have asked if it was a good time and given LW an option. I say it’s a management issue because the IT manager should encourage their employees to be better at “customer service” and recognize the needs of their end users, not just their own time.

      Reply ↓
    3. Antilles*

      Installing your own firewall software on a company PC would be a MAJOR issue. First off, if OP’s company has a dedicated IT department, they almost certainly do not allow users to freely install whatever software they please. That IT department would also have a major issue with you installing your own firewall on top of the company-provided security suite, because that can often cause conflicts as the security systems fight with each other. And in any case, installing your own security software is so far outside the norm that it would raise all sorts of eyebrows and questions.

      As for calling the cops over hearing a car alarm go off, nope. There are so many false alarms (owner hits panic button accidentally, wind triggers it, someone walks too close) that police don’t respond to a simple call about an alarm going off. Now if you have some other detail to explain why you think it’s a real alarm (e.g., seeing a broken window on the ground or someone walking around with tools), then you’ll get a response, but the mere “I hear a car alarm from the parking lot on Third Street” isn’t getting a response.

      Reply ↓
      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        Did you read the updates? OP did get the police involved over the car alarm, and got a very satisfying resolution!

        Reply ↓
        1. Antilles*

          That’s not the same thing as what El Chinero was saying though. OP got the police involved over a noise complaint over the *repeated* alarms.
          If you’re just calling about a car alarm going off because “I think a car is being stolen, I hear an alarm”, they’ll ask why you think it’s a theft and not just a false alarm. And if you don’t have any particular reason why it’s real, they’re not going to do anything.

          Reply ↓
  11. Never the Twain*

    For #1 I’m wondering if ‘But I’m your friend’ is what you say when you can’t get away with ‘But we’re all faamilly here’ as an explanation for a random piece of completely unacceptable behaviour?
    If so, it’s worth remembering the difference is that you can choose who is your friend…

    Reply ↓
  12. DivergentStitches*

    It’s an AFTER MARKET ALARM. I am shooketh. Why tf would anyone want to install an after market alarm that you have to continually turn off throughout the day? I legitimately cannot figure out that lady’s perspective.

    Reply ↓
  13. MCMonkeybean*

    For letter 4 I’m surprised the IT guy can just unilaterally take control, is that common? At my office whenever I’ve needed to work with IT in that way, I get a pop-up on my computer letting me know they are trying to get control of my screen/mouse and I have to click a button to allow it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pizza Rat*

      In places where I’ve worked, you also have to click a button to accept a remote session. I’ve seen others in the comments say the same thing.

      Reply ↓
  15. YesPhoebeWould*

    Regarding #4? Um…no. The IT guy had EVERY right to access a company-owned laptop doing company business during the company workday. A corporate computer belongs 100% to the company. If the IT person needed to access the computer to deal with a problem, and then was the only time to deal with it, or it was something critical (like a security issue) that needed to be fixed immediately?

    They would have been derelict had they NOT fixed it. It was the writer’s choice to use online banking on a company computer during the workday. At quite a few companies, this in and of itself would have been against policy. The IT tech DID ASK before hand. And you were NOT in a client meeting – we don’t know what they would have done had you said you were, but it is likely they would have deferred. What they weren’t going to defer to was “it’s inconvenient. Don’t inconvenience me. Inconvenience yourself some other time when it IS convenient for me.”

    It is important to remember that there is ZERO right to privacy on a company computer. Period.

    Reply ↓
      1. YesPhoebeWould*

        No, they don’t – from a privacy perspective, the IT person is the same “representative of the company” as the sales rep is. Even HIPAA allows this sort of “incidental exposure”. Only exceptions are C-levels and counsel, and that is by convention.

        Read your company employee handbook. I run an IT shop for a living. There is ZERO expectation of privacy on a company computer. IT has every right to access ANY company computer at ANY time.

        He gave the poster notice he was doing it, and he did it. Just like he was supposed to.

        Reply ↓
        1. Crepe Myrtle*

          I work with PII daily and that is absolutely not how it works at every organization. Not every IT person has permissions to confidential and critical data, nor should they. It’s completely dependent upon roles and all of that has to go through the standard processes before access is granted.

          Reply ↓
          1. YesPhoebeWould*

            And the last step of that SOP is “contact the user and fix the problem”. You must work at a very different organization than I do. At mine? We don’t have the time or the IT support resources for “Hey Beth, we have a ticket to fix a driver problem on laptop jsmith123. Reach out to them, ask them what time might be convenient for us to fix their problem, find out what stuff they have on their computer, schedule a different tech with an appropriate level of access to ask them again if it is convenient and reschedule if it isn’t.”

            The way this tech did this is pretty much the way it has worked at every organization I have worked with in a 25-year IT career.

            Reply ↓
            2. Insert Clever Name Here*

              You’re being intentionally obtuse. You don’t have to find another tech with different access if you give people 30 seconds to save and close what’s on their screen. I’m glad you’ve never worked anywhere where your approach is a problem, but maybe it would be beneficial to recognize that your approach and experience isn’t universal.

              Reply ↓
        2. Coffee Protein Drink*

          and he was rude and intrusive and should have scheduled time when OP said they were busy. This is basic etiquette that should be practiced by everyone in the workplace.

          Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you always should.

          Reply ↓
        3. Where’s the Orchestra?*

          Healthcare behind the scenes (think billing and records dept) and in my hospital system the IT dept has to wait for our Explicit Approval to remote in to reduce the number of PII and PHI exposures.

          Acknowledging the lack of personal privacy on the company network doesn’t mean that there may not be other private information that belongs to the job to also protect.

          Reply ↓
          1. Pita Chips*

            One of the primary principles of IT security is people only have the minimum necessary access to information. If you don’t need the info to do your job, you shouldn’t have access.

            Reply ↓
    2. Beany*

      There is, however, disruption. You know how annoying it is to have a poorly designed webpage pop up new windows when you’re halfway through typing stuff, or shift a paragraph down the page because a late-rendering ad only just appeared to claim that space?

      Now imagine this happening because a remote admin decided it was time to fix an issue on your machine while you’re composing a critical e-mail, or updating a spreadsheet. Sure, the LW shouldn’t be using the machine for personal banking, but almost everything they *should* have been doing would have been similarly affected.

      This isn’t about the right to privacy on a company-owned machine; it’s about the company not adding a chaos agent to the standard workflow.

      Reply ↓
    4. Crepe Myrtle*

      No, he asked and the OP said it wasn’t a good time and could they do it later- and he remoted in anyway! That’s not good practice and would be wildly out of bounds for IT support in my organization. You need to ask if it’s a good time, if it is not- schedule one. Then you ask during that appointment if you can remote in, and the user has to click a button saying it’s ok. This gives them time to close out sensitive information, which not everyone in a company has permissions to see. Businesses have processes for this, and staff need to stick to them.

      Reply ↓
    5. Insert Clever Name Here*

      Yes, IT has a right and responsibility to fix problems. HOWEVER they also should be asking before remoting in because there does exist company information that an IT tech does not have the authority to view.

      I work for a utility and customer service reps have all sorts of personally identifiable information on their screens when dealing with calls (credit card information, bill number, address, meter readings) — the person responding to the IT ticket doesn’t get to see that information just because they’re IT.

      At a previous job, I routinely accessed information about a federal intelligence agency that was Top Secret Compartmentalized Information — the person responding to the IT ticket doesn’t get to see that information just because they’re IT.

      Reply ↓
    6. Salty Caramel*

      Wow, you wouldn’t last long where I work if that’s your attitude.

      Yes the computer belongs 100% to the company and nobody should expect privacy on a work computer, but the users do have a right to common courtesy. While IT is crucial to the function of a business, it serves no one to be intrusive. It doesn’t really matter what’s on the screen in question, it wasn’t a good time. IT should be able to manage their time well enough to make an mutually agreeable appointment.

      Reply ↓
    7. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Yes, we have the right to access any computer on the network. However, there is such a thing as professionalism and troubleshooting is supposed to be a collaborative effort. Unitarily snatching control of the machine out of the hands of the end user guarantees they WON’T be inclined to work with you to solve the problem.

      (I’ve worked in IT for decades and actually fired a few people who thought that because they had sysadmin access that meant they could ride roughshod over every user/system)

      Reply ↓
    8. Strive to Excel*

      Coming in from a financial reg background – no they absolutely the heck do not.

      A company-owned computer does belong to the company and it is 100% appropriate for the company to say “X will be happening”. The COMPNAY has the right to access the computer at any time. But any specific IT tech =/= the company as a whole and not all techs have the right to see all information.

      IT tech, like admin, like finance, is a support role. If the support role is preventing the active users from getting their work done when they could have done it in a non-preventative way, that’s a problem.

      Reply ↓
  16. Zona the Great*

    I once opened the door to find a little boy scout of about 7 years old already shoving his way into my home holding his crotch and asking for the bathroom. He was already inside so I let him (also, he was young). I was standing outside the bathroom when he emerged without flushing or washing his hands. I made him do both. The toilet and floor was absolutely covered in urine. I did not make him clean it. Then he tried to sell me boy scout popcorn. I declined and he got smart with me. I did ask him to have his mother call me. When she did, she was completely unconcerned about the safety issue of him entering a stranger’s home nor was she concerned that he peed everywhere and was aggressive about my saying no. Some people’s mothers….

    Reply ↓
    2. Meep*

      I mean… she did let her seven-year-old go door-to-door unsupervised… When I was a Girl Scout and my neighbor’s boys were in Boy Scouts our parents always came with us. Even if we were in our own cul da sac and our parents were friends.

      With that said, what the heck is with boys not being able to aim? They know they can sit on the toilet if it is so difficult, right?

      Reply ↓
    3. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      Yeah. I used to work with kids and loved it but these days I avoid them unless I know their parents very very well because it’s such a minefield. So many parents will go berserk if you ask anything of their child or refuse their child anything and simultaneously will take no action to correct their child’s behavior themselves. It’s not all parents but it’s enough of them that you have to tread lightly with every kid and it’s exhausting.

      Reply ↓
    4. Where’s the Orchestra?*

      I’m more stunned that she let her kiddo just wander the neighborhood selling door to door unsupervised.

      Reply ↓
      1. Zona the Great*

        Eh…this wasn’t really uncommon in my town. It was a farm village of about 2,000 people which I understand isn’t a failsafe but this was the culture of my town. No locked doors, phone numbers were only 4 digits long, etc.

        Reply ↓
  17. Meow*

    Re: #3 –
    I agree with Alison that that *should* be the way to handle that situation, some parents (especially vindictive ones like OP describes) get really testy when you “parent” their children for them.

    I worked at Toys R Us in college, and while it wasn’t usually worth it or my business to say anything to misbehaving children, I would obviously have to if they were doing something dangerous or were somewhere they weren’t supposed to be. Generally I would just talk to them normally, like, “Please stay on this side of the register”, and they’d say “oh sorry” just like normal people. But sometimes you would get “don’t tell my child what to do!” parents. One time a kid’s soda exploded all over the floor, including a bit behind my counter. Their parent grabbed some paper towels off the counter and made their kid clean it up – fine, good parenting. But when the kid came up behind the desk, I said, “Oh, please don’t come back here, it’s employees only, but don’t worry, I’ll clean it up. :)” and this lady lost it. I honestly had no idea at the time why she was so angry, she just suddenly threw the ball of pepsi-soaked paper towels at me, yelled about god knows what, and ended with, “we’re never shopping here again!” and stormed out the door. Then like 10 minutes later she called and complained to my manager that I “told her child what to do”, which was the only reason I had any idea what I did wrong.

    Reply ↓
  18. Bruce*

    I remember decades ago when Buck Henry was guest hosting Saturday Night Live they had a spoof add for a “Sleepy Time 2000 Auto Alarm Eradicator” that would deploy a radar dish and zap cars that had loud auto alarms in the middle of the night :-)

    Reply ↓
  19. Hermione Danger*

    #1 What a shocker that the person who thinks the rules of friendship and business didn’t apply to him ALSO doesn’t think the rules of anything else apply to him. Frank is a tool.

    Reply ↓

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