I don’t want my partner to take a job on my team, boss told me to be friendlier to my ex-BFF, and more

by Alison Green on December 26, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I don’t want my partner to take a job on my team

I was recently hired after a months-long job search because a friend (Fergus) recommended me for a position in his company (Company X). I’m really excited about the work and I liked the team and manager when I met them in the interview. I’ll start in a few weeks.

My partner has also been looking for a job for the last several months; he is quite miserable at his current company. He and I work in the same field, so Fergus recommended him for a position at Company X as well. It now looks like Company X is moving forward with my partner’s application, and will be interviewing him in the upcoming week. He will be interviewing for the same team that hired me. The position for which he is interviewing does not report to mine, or vice versa.

Before I accepted the job, I didn’t think that I would have a problem with Company X interviewing both my partner and me. Now that I have the position, though, I’m having second thoughts about working together. I’d like to think we can be completely professional with each other at work, but I recognize that working on the same team as your partner has many potential pitfalls (professional and personal). I brought this up with my partner, who acknowledges my concern but wants to move forward with the interview. He thinks any awkwardness that might result from our working together would be worth it if he can leave his current position.

I’d feel pretty selfish about asking my partner to withdraw his application from Company X, knowing how miserable he is now. But I’m really concerned and tempted to push back harder. Is it reasonable to not want to work on the same team as your partner? Am I overreacting, especially since he doesn’t have the job yet?

I also have a few logistical questions about this. If Company X continues to be interested in his application, when/how/by whom should our relationship be reported? And if Company X hires him, what kinds of boundaries do successful coworker couples negotiate to keep everyone on the team comfortable and maintain professionalism?

It is so reasonable not to want to work on the same team as your partner. There are all sorts of ways that it can end up being bad for you personally and professionally. You aren’t overreacting — this is a really big thing, and your partner shouldn’t move forward with it if you’re uncomfortable.

What he’s proposing would be a fundamental change to the conditions of your own new job, which you should get to sign off on. I get that he’s unhappy in his current job and desperate to get out, but he does have a job; taking this one isn’t the difference between him being able to eat and not being able to eat. And there are other jobs and other teams out there.

If he moves forward anyway, he should alert his interviewer to the relationship by saying something like, “I should mention that my partner, Jane Smith, was just hired on this team and starts in a few weeks — in case you wouldn’t want both of us working on the same team.” And there’s advice here about boundaries you’d both need to have. But I really hope he won’t move forward with this if you’re not comfortable with it.

– 2018

2. My boss told me to be friendlier to my ex-BFF

I work in a tiny company (three people, including me) that rents office space from a slightly larger small company (15-20 people). I sit on a four-person desk in an open plan office with three of the other company’s employees.

Recently, the other firm has hired someone I used to be very close friends with. She I had a really nasty friend break-up — she used to be very manipulative and controlling around me, and I was really badly bruised by the whole experience. She’s now sitting three feet away from me, every day.

When she was hired (before she arrived at the firm, but after I realized who she was), I told the managing director of the other firm about our previous relationship and explained that I would not be comfortable working in close proximity to her, but said that I could be polite and professional. She seemed to accept this, mentioned what a weird coincidence it was, and moved on.

Yesterday, my boss called me in to let me know that the other company’s managing director had told him that the new employee had mentioned that I was not being friendly enough, and that another employee had noted an “uncomfortable vibe.” The office is very informal, and people chat about their personal lives, which I have not been doing with my ex-friend.

I don’t know what to say to them. This all feels very unprofessional and embarrassing. This is my first a professional job in a relatively close-knit community, and I don’t want to give myself a reputation as difficult to work with. At the same time, I honestly don’t feel safe sharing personal details with this person, and obviously politeness isn’t good enough here. Can you help me?

You certainly don’t need to chat about your personal life with this person, and if that’s really what they’re telling you to do, that’s inappropriate and weird. But if it’s more that you’re noticeably freezing her out, it’s true that you can’t do that at work. I’m thinking it might be the latter if it’s making bystanders feel uncomfortable. But I could also imagine a situation where everyone else is chatting with each other, you two are not, and that itself stands out as odd or chilly, and that’s really not something your employer should direct you to change.

It’s also remarkable that the ex-friend herself has complained that you’re not being friendly enough; unless you’re being rude or ostracizing her, she really doesn’t have grounds for that. (And this is made all the weirder since you don’t even work for the same firm!)

So either you’re being too obviously frosty or both these companies are overstepping in their directions to you about how to socialize. I don’t know which it is — but consider both possibilities.

If you reflect on it and are confident you’re being appropriate (not in the context of the friendship break-up — which can’t become your office’s problem — but in the eyes of an objective observer), then talk to your boss (not anyone at the other company) about the situation, explain you’ve reflected and you’re confident you’ve been professional, and you’re uncomfortable being told you need to have a closer social relationship with a someone you have a troubled personal history with, but you’ll of course continue being professional and polite.

Also, any chance your desk can be moved somewhere else so you’re not in such close proximity to her? That would probably ease a lot of the tension.

– 2019

3. I was fired for making a joke about a knife on Facebook and now I can’t get hired

I was dismissed from my employer of eight years over a Facebook post, in which I stated that I owned and knew how to use a small pocket knife, and mentioned that part-time workers don’t understand the difficulty of working full-time. It was, in reality, a completely tongue-in-cheek joke with my friend I posted as “public” by accident. But the HR director called me up after work and said the post was threatening to other employees, despite my explanation that it was sarcasm/a private joke. Afterwards, I did not seek unemployment because I thought it would be contested in court due to the nature of the termination, and I didn’t want to see anyone from the company again. (Prior to this incident, I had a good relationship with my organization, except for the final six months in which I had FMLA-related attendance issues.)

Since then, I’ve been care-taking for elderly relatives and started a small business that, after a year, wasn’t financially viable. I used up my savings and maxed out my credit, and have been searching for a job for several months, trying to keep my condo. I had six interviews in September alone, but no job offers.

Hiring managers and HR reps seem to be quite understanding about the reason I got fired during phone and in-person interviews. Are they just being polite while making a mental note to never call again? Or is it truly something else?

Well … yeah, it’s possible that hearing about what happened is making them write you off. It’s not because this incident should define you, but because they have so little data about candidates that each thing they do know looms larger than it might if they knew you better. (I talk more about that here.) So when they don’t know much about you, hearing about something that was bad judgment and potentially a red flag of something more serious (no matter how remote that possibility), they’re going to take it seriously and not want to take the risk. I know you said they sound understanding about it during interviews, but I suspect they’re being polite while mentally writing you off.

Can you call your old employer, explain that you think this incident is preventing you from getting work, and ask if they’d be willing to come to an agreement with you about what they’ll say to reference-checkers about why you left? If you can get them to agree to call it a layoff or a resignation, or even to decline to give a reference at all, you will probably have an easier time of it.

– 2016

4. My coworker is blocking me from work a senior manager asked me to help her with

I’m fairly new to my job doing administrative work at a large company. Recently, a senior-level manager (Sara) asked if I could help another admin (Mary) catch up on some of the work she was behind on for a C-suite executive. I responded that I was happy to help and reached out to the Mary to get the details and formulate a plan. Honestly, I was flattered and excited that I would be helping out an exec!

For a bit of context, I have a great working relationship and a budding friendship with Mary. Upon my initial outreach, Mary agreed to send along some materials that I could help with and did so, but I’m limited in how much I can help without more information. I did what I could, but told Mary I’d probably need more and she agreed, but expressed that it was really more work for her to share info with me. I offered to sit with her so that she’s not sending me info, but rather we can work together to speed up the process and be there together to field questions but she didn’t go for the idea. I feel like I’ve tried everything to be helpful, but Mary doesn’t want to put in the up-front work in order to share her load. I know she’s open to help and it’s not a matter of controlling the situation, it’s like she’s too unorganized to make this process easier.

Now, Sara is asking why we’re not getting the work done and what’s taking so long. For now, I’ve let Mary respond to these emails and say “we’re working on it” and “(my name) has been a great help,” even though I haven’t because she’s making it impossible for me to help! I don’t want this to reflect poorly on my work ethic and I don’t want to throw Mary under the bus. There’s a chance that nothing will come of this and I’ll never be asked directly about how involved I’ve been thus far, but as a new employee I want to impress senior leaders, not shy away from stepping up like this. Is there anything I can do here? Or do I just let this pass and hope I can impress her next time?

You need to let Sara know what’s going on. She specifically asked you to do some of this work and needs to know it’s not happening — especially since it sounds like Mary is letting her go on thinking you’re doing work that you’re not doing. If the real situation comes out at some point, you’re going to look like you were complicit in Mary’s lie and that’s not good.

Reply to Sara and say, “I was able to do XYZ on this project, but after that Mary felt it would be more work for her to relay the information I’d need to assist her further — so since Tuesday, I’ve been sitting it out. But I’d be glad to keep helping if Mary wants to pull me back in!” This is not about throwing Mary under the bus; this is about updating Sara on work that she asked you to do and is now checking in on.

You can also say to Mary, “I need to let Sara know that I’m not working on this since it sounds like she thinks I am” so that she’s not blindsided when Sara asks her about it.

– 2019

5. My coworker is angry that I took her usual parking spot

My coworker Veronica comes in earlier than me, but recently I have been arriving earlier than she does. Our parking spaces have a couple of short boulevards of grass that separate portions of the parking spaces. She always parks in the space next to the grass if it is available because this enables her to have only one car parked next to hers.

Now that I’ve been coming earlier, I decided to park there. I too like the idea of having only one car parked next to mine in the parking lot, and the tree gives it a lot of shade, which keeps it cooler.

Yesterday, Veronica approached me in my cubicle and said, “You parked in my spot!” I didn’t think much of it as we have no reserved spaces here. I actually thought she was joking.

Well, the next day, the same thing. I got in earlier than Veronica, so parked under the tree next to the boulevard. She again approached me and told me not to park there anymore because it was her spot! I replied that they were all first come first serve, and she now sends dark glares in my direction.

Am I in the wrong? Should I leave the spot open for her, even though there are no reserved spaces? She is on the same level as me, but she does work for the director, and I don’t. Frankly, maybe it’s petty, but I feel like making sure I’m in earlier just so I can take that spot.

In theory, if the spaces aren’t reserved, then you can park in any of them, and Veronica will have to come to terms with that. She’s in the wrong for attempting to claim a spot and giving you a hard time about it.

That said, if Veronica is a respected employee with a lot of influence (especially with your director), the cost of pissing her off may not be worth it. So you should factor in the internal politics in your organization. (That’s irritating, but it’s also the reality in some workplaces. You can’t always go on the pure principle of something.)

– 2019

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{ 70 comments }

{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Kalongdia*

    I wish that #3 had included the joke (though I understand that it may be too personally revealing) because I feel like the contents of the joke are critical to understanding the company’s response

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    1. Archi-detect*

      yeah sometimes vague descriptions hide how bad/tasteless the joke really is, and that is not unreasonalbe to assume when the person writing in is describing their joke

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    2. Account*

      He adds at the end that oh, my relationship with them was already bad because of my poor attendance. So I’m thinking there’s a lot to this story that OP left out. The joke was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

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      2. Velawciraptor*

        It felt to me like the joke was actually an excuse to legally get rid of someone otherwise protected for their FMLA related absences.

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    3. Cabbagepants*

      Law of Obfuscation: any detail glossed over in a letter to an advice column is unfavorable to the letter writer.

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      1. Happy meal with extra happy*

        I hope this is a joke/not serious. There are so many examples of letter writers being blasted for not providing enough detail, providing too much detail, providing the wrong details…. There’s really no winning.

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    5. I.T. Phone Home*

      I doubt that there’s a lot more to it than what’s in the letter. If you make a reference to having a knife and knowing how to use it in a post about a workplace conflict, the implication is that you’ll use the knife on a coworker. LW didn’t mean it literally, but the employer took it seriously. I think the “joke” is that the average pocket knife is pretty far down the list of deadly weapons — some cheap ones struggle to cut packing tape. But I know in my workplace, where many employees need to carry a boxcutter, if someone made a “joke” about using one on a coworker it would be taken seriously regardless of how witty the punchline was. Not sure if it would get you fired on the spot, but it might.

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    6. Leenie*

      I didn’t think the LW was obfuscating anything, as I thought this was pretty much the joke: “I stated that I owned and knew how to use a small pocket knife, and mentioned that part-time workers don’t understand the difficulty of working full-time.”

      So the LW was, jokingly, insinuating that she’d stab part time workers with her pocket knife. I can see how that might be disconcerting, especially in a workplace where the relationship had been growing a bit fraught already. That said, I believe the LW that it was a joke. But kind of like the intern joking about 9/11, it wasn’t well received.

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      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, I have to admit I’m not really seeing why a lot of commenters seem to feel that knowing the exact wording of the joke would somehow change anything – it seems likely to me that OP basically spelled out the whole joke in her letter already, she just didn’t quote it word-for-word so that it wouldn’t be searchable.

        And I’m not sure the joke has anything to do with her not getting offers anyway, honestly. It’s not that weird or uncommon to have several interviews with different places and to never hear back from them, nevermind that in the update (a comment on the original post, not a “formal” update) OP had been contacted for a second interview with her favoured place and was notified that another place hadn’t contacted her yet for reasons that had nothing at all to do with her.

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    7. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I agree, this very much sounds like the “iT Was a JokE!” defense that far too many racist, misogynist, homophobic, and/or violent people use to try to get out of the consequences of their actions.
      Yes, dude, even “jokes” have consequences. Calling something a “joke” doesn’t make it okay.

      Reply ↓
    1. Beany*

      If I follow that link, I only get to an unrelated comment on the first time the letter was published. I also scrolled through the rest of the comments (top level, anyway), and didn’t see any updates from the LW there either. Are you sure that was the right link?

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      1. BethDH*

        I got a related comment — that the issue resolved itself because the coworker did finish the work herself, and OP did find out that the work would have been tough to transfer.
        Sometimes my browser scrolls weirdly when going to a comment link so maybe that happened to yours?

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        1. Beany*

          Thanks!

          I finally found it as a reply to a top-level comment by Wakeens Teapots LTD. By default, I have nested replies hidden, and that seems to have screwed up how the browser resolves the link.

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  4. Despachito*

    I also wonder what the joke may have been. On the face of it, who would snoop in an employee’s private FB account and fire them over a lame joke? Or is OPseriously downplaying it?

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    1. Worldwalker*

      I think it’s telling that the OP only describes the post in general terms instead of telling us what the joke actually is. One company can fire someone over pretty stupid stuff (we’ve seen enough of that here!) but something that makes a person totally unemployable means that multiple people from multiple companies have made the same decision, which argues against it just being a “lame joke.”

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        1. KateM*

          That’s what I was thinking, too – OP wouldn’t want us to search for the exact wording and land on their facebook page.

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    2. doreen*

      I think the OP is downplaying it – “I have a pocket knife and know how to use it” is a threat to use it. Jokingly most of the time, but coupled with a statement that part-timers don’t know how difficult it is to work full-time I can see how it might not seem like a joke depending on specifics. For example, the wording of that bit about part-timers – suppose it was something like “Part-timers don’t realize how close full-timers are to going postal” ?

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      1. Tippy*

        Well, truth be told I’d rather have someone who carries a pocket knife actually know how to use it than not. But I also don’t think that it’s a threat.

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        1. JMC*

          Same here. I have a collection of pocket knives and yes I know how to cut thing with them. Doesn’t mean I’m going to attack anyone.

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          1. doreen*

            Knowing how to use a pocket knife is not the same as saying the exact words I put in quotes. Saying the exact words “I have a(n) X and I know how to use it” is an implicit threat to use the X. There’s a difference between ” I know how to shoot” and “I have a gun and I know how to use it” . The latter might be said jokingly but the “humor” is dependent on it being taken as a threat – there isn’t anything even vaguely funny if I say ” I have a pocket knife and I know how to use it to cut twine. “

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        2. Nah*

          “I don’t like certain people complaining near me, but I do have a concealable weapon and have experience in wielding it, wink wink” doesn’t come off as a threat to you? I wouldn’t say it’s an immediate fireable offense, but definitely warrants a meeting with HR at a minimum!

          Reply ↓
  5. bamcheeks*

    OP3, I think you’d probably get on MUCH better if you sound more contrite and more like you’re taking it seriously when you talk to other employers. If it is this incident which is stopping you get hired, then it’s quite likely that it’s because there’s a gap between you saying something like, “but it was only intended as a joke, it was no big deal” and the company saying, “yeah, she posted what looked like a credible threat to our head of ops which had us talking about whether we needed to shut down for the day or hire security, and when we spoke to her about it, she was completely unreflective and didn’t understand why we were concerned.”

    You can recover from a mistake, but it’s much harder if you seem to have no insight into it and basically describe it as a “they overreacted” situation, which is what you’ve done here.

    I made a bad mistake but I learned my lesson” is the

    Reply ↓
  6. Diomedea Exulans*

    I don’t understand how you can be fired for stating that you owned and knew how to use a pocket knife, even if it’s not a joke. I also don’t understand how the comment about part time employees and the pocket knife comments are related.

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    1. Chrysoprase*

      When someone says “I have a [weapon] and I know how to use it” the implied joke/threat is that they are considering using it on a person/people. Like if my brother tries to steal my chocolates and I tell him “I have a pocket knife and I know how to use it!” the joke is “I’m going to stab you”. I obviously don’t mean it, it’s a joke because it’s absurd, but that’s what I’m saying. When OP complained about their work conditions and said the thing about the pocket knife, the joke they were making there is “I could stab [my managers/coworkers/customers/whoever]”.

      Either the employers felt they didn’t want to take the risk, however slight, that OP meant to express a sincerely angry/potentially violent sentiment, or they felt that workplace violence is a sufficiently inappropriate subject to joke about that they didn’t want someone with such poor judgement working for them anymore, or both. If I’d been in their shoes I might not jump straight to firing, but it would depend on the employee and their track record. I would at least be having a “not cool, not funny, don’t ever post something like that publicly again if you want to keep working here” conversation.

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    2. Does it matter*

      I think that the exact nature of the joke is not relevant for the question. It could be a really offensive joke, or could be a misunderstanding or an overreaction from the company. But that doesn’t matter as OP got fired over it and one to two years had already passed at the time of the letter.

      I do not like OPs attitude about this. Even if it was very dark humour, it was inappropriate enough to get fired over this and I feel they continue to downplay this as “completely tongue-in-cheek joke”. At some point OP should own their part to show they understand their mistake and learned from it. I guess this will change the way how they explain everything during the interview.

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      1. Worldwalker*

        I think the details of the joke matter, because it’s not just an overreaction from one company anymore; multiple companies have been involved now and the OP is apparently unemployable because of the post. So several unrelated people have made the same decision.

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        1. Analyst*

          eh, it doesn’t take much to make someone not hire. I’m not hiring someone who left their last job not in good standing, why take that chance when I’ve got plenty of very good candidates without that red flag?

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    3. Account*

      Sounds like there’s a lot more to this story. He throws in at the end that he also had poor attendance, and therefore his relationship with the company was already bad.

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      1. KateM*

        If an employee had bad relationship with their workplace because the employee needed FMLA leave, that would in my eyes speak against the workplace not the employee.

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        1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

          Doesn’t matter in the reference system–all that matters is whatever story the employer is telling. Omitting the FMLA detail would be a small move with big consequences… “developed an absentee problem and threatened coworkers publically” and LW may as well file for permanent unemployability.

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    4. Shiara*

      It’s possible that the connection was more clear to the company. If OP had been coming into conflict with a specific part-time employee at work then OP’s post would have come across as much more targeted, and therefore more threatening.

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    5. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      My interpretation in reading this is that it means (or was taken to mean): OP is a full-time worker. Part-timers don’t understand how difficult it is being a full-time worker, they have it easy while OP is on the edge due to (stress or similar). One of these days, due to the stress of being full-time and others not understanding it, OP is going to bring a pocket knife into the workplace. They already have one and aren’t afraid to ‘go postal’ with it.

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    6. Irish Teacher.*

      I think the implication is that part-time employees don’t know how awful working full-time is and that doing so makes the LW so angry that he or she is likely to stab somebody.

      My immediate thought is that this might have been part of a joking rant and the joke may not have come across on social media due to the lack of tone and it could have come across as a bit of a scary rant. Or perhaps the HR person was just particularly cautious about workplace violence or had read about a situation where somebody made a joke like that and then actually carried out an act of violence so they saw those kind of jokes as red flags.

      I’m imagining something along the lines of “part-time workers have no idea just how stressful full-time work is. It’s enough to make you want to stab somebody. Lucky I carry a knife and know how to use it!”

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    7. Nah*

      It might help to switch out “knife” with “gun”. Saying that you are able and willing to use a deadly weapon in the same line as you speaking negatively about a specific group of people you work with is definitely grounds for, at very minimum, a serious discussion with HR imo.

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    8. Ginger Cat Lady*

      It’s an implied threat, and if you read beyond that part, he framed it in a “part time employees v full time employees conflict” context. That’s absolutely a threat to coworkers, “jokingly” or not. Should never have been posted, publicly OR privately.

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    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      If it was something like “I have a weapon and I know how to use it. My coworkers need to better understand how hard my life is.” that’s absolutely a problem! Try switching the order of the sentences if you still don’t get it.

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  7. BellaStella*

    Clearly the OP with the pocket knife joke did not work at the same place as the guy who used a knife to constantly stab chairs and such that came up in the worst boss contest!

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    1. Cmdrshprd*

      Eh idk about that part, they said it was due to FMLA related issues, I take it to mean OP was taking FMLA likely intermittent. That by definition isn’t bad attendance, it is federally protected leave, and does not make OP a bad employee.

      Workers rights does not stop companies/managers from trying to get around them, so the same company/manager might have let the comment slide with just a final warning to someone else, but choose to retaliate against OP for using FMLA.

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    1. DJ Abbott*

      IME petty people like that are the ones who start fights/get jealous/make life harder for everyone. Engaging with them just makes them do it more, because they enjoy fighting about it. The only way I’ve ever found to deal with such people is avoid them.

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      1. DJ Abbott*

        PS- in this case, if OP stopped parking there and avoided Veronica, Veronica would see that as a win. That will make her even more petty. I’m not sure what the best course of action would be here.

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    2. LifebeforeCorona*

      We have first come first served parking. To avoid situations like this I park towards the back of the lot because there’s more parking spaces. And if I want to sit in my car for lunch the chances of being spotted and questioned as to why I’m not in the noisy small lunchroom are minimized. People tend to take absences from the lunchroom seriously.

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    3. JMC*

      The whole thing reminds of the episode on Big Bang Theory about Sheldon not wanting to give up his parking space to Howard even though Sheldon didn’t have a car.

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  9. L-squared*

    For the parking space thing, I see both sides.

    On principal, you are right. In actuality, I see why she is upset. You didn’t mention how long Veronica has been there, but let’s just say she has parked in the same spot for 2 years. Now all of a sudden you’ve decided to take the spot. It is “informally” her spot, and my guess is, people respect that.

    My last job, we didn’t have parking spaces, but we had this for lunch table spots. People kind of had “their” spots. And now and then we’d get a visitor or someone new in the office, and they kind of messed up the routine we had all gotten into. While no one said anything, there were definitely looks exchanged among people.

    Sometimes people have their “things” in an office, and i find its just better to not disrupt that when possible. Even in hot desking offices. If you know Jane ALWAYS sits in one spot, I wouldn’t take it just because I happened to have to come in early for a meeting that day.

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    1. Ex-Prof*

      I once stopped at a diner in a small town in Pennsylvania during a road trip. I sat down at a booth and ordered a bowl of soup. The diner was not crowded; most the booths were empty.

      Right after my soup arrived a customer came into the diner, looked right at me with daggers, looked all around, huffed loudly, then stalked over and sat at the counter.

      Apparently I was in his booth. I did not offer to move. We are very territorial animals.

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      1. Madre del becchino*

        The former pastor at our Catholic parish would make an announcement to the “regulars” before Christmas and Easter referencing the “people who have been sitting in the same spot in the same pew for 50 years” and ending with, “The deacon and I are the only ones with assigned seats. Please move over and be welcoming to those who are visiting.”

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        1. Texan In Exile*

          No that is not how it should work!

          “Stand up so the visitors can get past you to the middle seats” is fine.

          But making me squish to the middle because I got there early enough to get the seat I want? Nope.

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          1. Velawciraptor*

            Perhaps the pastor felt that, in church, it’s more appropriate to be giving and in community with one another rather than intransigent and territorial. It does make sense that the clergy would expect their parish to attempt to be more Christ-like than curmudgeonly in dealing with one another.

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    2. Your Former Password Resetter*

      But the appropriate response is to be mildly annoyed that someone else took “your” spot and then move on because you don’t actually have any right to that spot.

      you don’t get to call dibs on common resources, especially if it has several advantages that othet people would also want.

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    3. JMC*

      My ex would get so peeved when someone parked in the free open spot that happened to be closest to our apartment, even though we had our own assigned spot just a few spots down. He wanted to use it and I would tell him sorry that one is first come first served get over it. But he was be so PETTY about it.

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  10. Delta Delta*

    Parking – I commented before that I worked in a similar place that didn’t have assigned parking but everyone always parked in the same spots. Then one day New Hire came in early to meet with Big Boss, and parked in the spot closest to the door. Usually that’s where Big Boss would park as sort of an unwritten rule. She didn’t know the unwritten rule because 1) it was unwritten and 2) she just started there a week before. So, she parked there and he was mad at her about it for DAYS. That was not a fun place to work.

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  11. Apex Mountain*

    Sounds harsh to be fired over a joke facebook post, even one in poor taste. I wonder if the company was doing some sort of retaliation for whatever the FMLA disputes were

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    1. LynnP*

      In the K-12 education world any sort of joke about a weapon and even a hint of violence would trigger a threat assessment which can take a whirl to complete and many personnel hours. Everything has to be taken seriously.

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    2. Learn ALL the things*

      Getting fired for posting something in poor taste on social media isn’t unheard of, particularly if you list your employer in your bio or you follow/are followed by coworkers. And all jokes are not made equal. A joke about a TV show you watch is probably not going to get you fired. A joke where you imply that you might one day stab a coworker might get you fired, and that sounds like where this particular joke fell on the spectrum.

      There’s also the fact that “I was only joking” is the go-to defense for a lot of people who say really terrible things, and not all of them are, in fact, joking. An HR person really can’t accept that as a defense, since it’s so commonly used to mask bad behavior.

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  12. Apex Mountain*

    For the parking spot question, could LW and Veronica have some kind of driving or parking contest like Greg and Marcia did on the Brady Bunch? Winner gets the space

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  13. SunnyShine*

    #5 – Then stop parking there. I assume there is a lot of available space to park since you arrive early. Why purposely pick a spot that you know she parks in and has a problem with? You’re purposely trying to teach her a “lesson”. She may be in the wrong for being annoyed, but you are being immature about this too.

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  14. AfterWork*

    OP1, I’ve not worked with SO, but I have worked with my best friend and q couple of other close friends (I met them through work) and in my experience the danger on the personal side is after the work relationship ends. Even if you’re not in each other’s pocket at work, the amount and context you’re seeing each other in changes. I’ve had some relationships survive and some fall apart over time after the work separation, but they’ve all changed. The ones that didn’t fall apart took a lot of extra work to keep and often even with that were not as strong.

    I realize friendship is different from a romantic relationship, even with close friends, but I came to the conclusion some time ago that I would not want to work with friends or family ever again if it’s avoidable.

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  15. Mad Scientist*

    Re #1, I recently worked with someone who actively wanted to work at the same company / department as his partner, whether it was her company hiring him or our company hiring her, either way, they just wanted to work together. It honestly seemed shady as hell to me. I can’t think of a non-nefarious reason why that would be their goal. He was a poor performer (on a PIP before he quit) with a reputation for poor work ethic and unprofessional behavior, which just made me wonder if him and his partner wanted to be able to cover for each other or something? Anyways, I thought it was bizarre at the time, and LW1’s question and the response just reinforces to me just how bizarre it really was.

    Reply ↓

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