I got drunk and flipped out at a company dinner, coworker complained about my burping, and more

by Alison Green on December 27, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I got drunk and flipped out at a company dinner

Friday night, we had my company’s annual dinner, which includes all management. My husband works for the same company and we are both at the same level. I drank entirely too much, and didn’t eat at all (food was terrible). I was fine during dinner, having fun and laughing, nothing out of control. After dinner, some coworkers decided to go to the bar, so my husband and I agreed to go also. Before heading to the bar, I told my husband I needed to use the restroom.

From this point on, everything is a blur. I came out of the restroom looking for my husband, and thought he had ditched me. I looked and looked for him and finally found him at the bar, with two guys from work, one of them who I REALLY don’t like. I went ballistic. I lost it. My husband tells me I flipped out on him and apparently also said a few things (very mean things) to the two guys. I don’t remember most of this or why I was so angry. My husband got me out of there eventually.

I’m currently dealing with a lot of personal things, so maybe not finding my husband was a huge trigger for me. I think I felt abandoned. I’m filled with shame and embarrassment. I really feel like I should send an email to the two guys and apologize for my behavior, but my husband says I shouldn’t. We work for a big company, I don’t work directly with them, but I do see them every now and then. I don’t want to get in trouble either. I don’t know what to do.

It’s hard to imagine that you shouldn’t apologize if you flipped out and said mean things to these guys, so I’m curious to know what your husband’s reasoning is for that. Does he just want to not deal with this any further and worries that apologizing will drag it out? If it’s just that, I’d overrule him and apologize — it’s your name and reputation that’s on the line here.

If possible, I wouldn’t use email. Email can feel like a cowardly way out in this kind of situation, so I would talk to them face to face. (And actually, same for anyone else who may have witnessed it, not just these two guys.)

– 2017

2. How can I be less annoying when I have to follow up with people?

Do you have any suggestions for less annoying follow-up? I have a mainly back office position and don’t work with customers or external partners for the most part, but sometimes I have to request documents for compliance. It’s a pain and I hate doing it, but we have to do it.

Let’s say it’s a signed TPS coversheet. I don’t have the authority to change anything about the process, and management wants it this way. I have to hound our partners for these stupid TPS sheets and send them a million emails.

I have frequent back and forth with several key partners. I have a decent rapport with them, but I can’t help but feel like I’m a pest when I ask for what I need. Sometimes I only get one or two TPS sheets back when I need four, sometimes it’s the wrong name, and sometimes I receive them much later than the deadline.

How can I politely ask for what I need without being annoying? I’m a young millennial woman so that is driving a lot of my thoughts here.

You know it’s a requirement, they know it’s a requirement, and it’s okay to continue checking back until you have what you need. You should do it pleasantly and cheerfully, but don’t feel awkward about the fact that you have to do it in the first place! (If anything, you might tell yourself that they should feel a little awkward that they keep not sending you something you’re clearly asking for.)

Sometimes doing this pleasantly means using softening language like “I’m sorry to bug you about this” but most of the time it’s fine to just be straightforward, as long as your tone is warm — for example, “Hmmm, I’ve got two back from you but still need two more — can you send the X and Y sheets along too?” or “Today’s our deadline for having these in, so could you send them to me this morning?”

And when someone is chronically sending them in late, it’s fine to say, “We’ve to have these in by the fifth of every month for (reasons). Is there something I can do differently on my end to make sure you can meet that deadline?”

Also! If you’re sending a zillion emails without the results you need, the very first thing to try is switching contact methods — in this case, to calling instead. Some people are much more responsive to calls, and the ones who don’t love calls may start to realize it’s preferable to answer your emails.

But sometimes this is just the job, and decent people will understand you’re not hounding them just to annoy them.

– 2019

3. My coworker complained about my burping and farting

I have a work situation I have no idea how to deal with. I found out yesterday that my coworker who works in the cubicle next to mine is incredibly offended by the fact that my body makes sounds a lot. I belch pretty constantly throughout the day, with some farts as well. I say “excuse me” frequently, and I’ve been to the doctor and it just happens. My brother and father are the same way. I told her this, and she told me to go to the bathroom. I was literally speechless.

I’m attempting to comply with her demand, but it’s making me less productive, is super anxiety inducing, and a little bit painful. Our boss is really hands-off and I don’t know what he would think if I brought it up, and I don’t think I’m capable of speaking to my coworker about it. I’m pretty sure this mostly doesn’t smell, and scented products make me completely unable to work, so even if there is there’s not a lot to be done. I feel awful and I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job because of this nonsense. What do I do?

If this is the result of a medical condition, it’s reasonable to explain that. If you truly can’t control it, you can’t control it. (I’m assuming you’ve tried over-the-counter treatments like Gas-X and so forth, and that you’ve inquired about treatment with your doctor.)

But it’s also reasonable for your coworker to be pretty miserable if she’s subjected to farting and burping all day. I don’t think you should be shocked by that — it’s understandable that it’s creating a pretty unpleasant environment for her.

If it’s a medical condition, you might be able to talk to your boss about the possibility of moving to a more secluded workspace. But if that’s not possible, I think you probably need to be understanding about the impact it’s having on your cubicle neighbor and not be shocked that it bothers her. It’s similar to if you had a constant cough or nose-sniffling problem; it’s out of your control, but you’d probably still try to be thoughtful about how it impacted others, to the extent that you could.

– 2016

4. When multiple people are selling Girl Scout cookies

I hope this is a pleasantly low-stakes question. Is there a general consensus about how coworkers should handle it when more than one wants to bring Girl Scout cookie order forms into the office? If there isn’t, what do you recommend?

We generally leave fundraising order forms in a common area, both for people’s convenience and to keep everything low-key. Should cookie-offering coworkers leave out their forms together, and communicate their hope that people ordering multiple boxes will split their orders? (Almost everyone orders multiple boxes.) Or should co-workers agree that one person will take the early orders and one take orders from the procrastinators? What’s a good way to avoid popularity contests and treat everyone equitably?

I pondered this and determined that I have no opinion on it! If anything, I’d come down on the side of being laissez faire about it and just letting people handle their order forms however they want, as long as they’re being low-key about it and not pushing cookie purchases on their coworkers. Anyone have strong feelings to the contrary?

– 2018

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{ 139 comments }

{ 139 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Certaintroublemaker*

    For LW2, Alison’s suggestion of alternate methods of communicating is definitely the way to go. My first choice would be calendar reminders—one 3 days to a week out and one the morning of. But, then, I’m a calendar person. Ask the partners whether their preferred medium for this sort of thing is Slack or Teams or text to a work phone or ….

    Reply ↓
    1. Magpie*

      I don’t think LW should be asking for their preferred method of communication. It sounds like they know this is a requirement and should be handling it on their own every month but aren’t, which leads the LW to have to follow up. It sounds like changing methods of communication would be more about finding one that’s annoying enough that these colleagues start doing this on their own rather than waiting to be reminded over and over.

      Reply ↓
      1. GrumpyPenguin*

        I’ve had the same problem in all of my jobs. I always felt awkard about pestering people until a manger told me that sometimes annoying people is just part of the job.

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    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I once had a very new manager ask me why I was telling him and the other new hire “3 different ways of doing approvals”. He sounded frustrated and a bit haughty telling ME that I was being inefficient because our team “should” have one workflow.

      I feel I stared blankly at him before pointing out that my workflow has the. task “get approval from A, B,and C” — and if I follow THEIR preferences they turn it around in a day. If I make them follow MINE, it happens once a week if at all.

      He tried to tell me I should “make them” and I enthusiastically agreed but that it had to come from a manager to THEIR manager. He said he’d do that…. but soon I got to finish documenting the other groups’ preferences & procedures.

      (Just one example–we uploaded to Jira for everyone, but one department had no access so yep email attachments were logical.)

      Reply ↓
    3. Mockingjay*

      Nearly all of my job centers around getting inputs, reviews, and approvals from other people before I can do my pieces. Yes, we have multiple processes and reminder methods: workflows, online tracking tools, SOPs, calendar due dates, etc. that everyone – high and low – are supposed to use and follow. I am still expected to chase people, via phone, text, and email The problem is, I support large teams so I end up trying to track 20 – 30 people down (wish I was exaggerating that number), instead of doing my own tasks.

      I don’t chase people anymore, except in a few exigent cases. Normally people get one reminder. After that, I simply report status: “Sent to Jim last Thursday.” “Have not received Mary’s inputs.” I leave it up to management to follow up or not. I get that people are busy at work – but you know what? I’m busy too.

      The pleasant surprise? I didn’t get pushback when I stopped “nagging.” People just go: “oh, okay, let me dig it out of my email and I’ll look at it.”

      You can’t be more invested in someone else’s work than they are, unless they’re your report.

      Reply ↓
    4. Always Tired*

      I am a calendar person. I cannot be trusted to remember things, so I have many little reminders. My boss completely ignores them. When the notification window pops up on his screen with a new one and 500+ overdue, I die a little inside. I HAVE, however, had success using Microsoft power automate (if you are a Microsoft office and have that app) to send both emails and teams chat reminders, which has greatly improved compliance for my guys getting timecards done on time.

      Reply ↓
      1. Daisy*

        Seems like your boss has a different preferred system for remembering things. I work with someone who operates just as you do and loves the many reminders to pop up to keep her on track. I work differently and feel a bit claustrophobic / overwhelmed when all those reminders pop up. (my outlook currently has 125 reminders that I have yet to dismiss/postpone). How have you noticed your boss staying on track with his deadlines?

        Reply ↓
  2. Happy*

    The idea of girl scout cookie ordering at work becoming a popularity contest is super depressing. Those cookies should only bring joy!

    Reply ↓
    1. Judge Judy and Executioner*

      I always just bought from whoever put it out first at work. Now I work from home and buy cookies online from my friend’s daughter and a Girl Scout who lives in an area that uses the other bakery. My region recently switched from Little Brownie Bakery to ABC, and I prefer LBB since their Tagalongs are the bomb. I highly recommend sourcing from both bakeries and doing a taste test! Last year I used Erin Reed’s list of “2024 Trans Girl Scouts to Order Cookies From” that she posted on her site ErinInTheMorning.com to find a Girl Scout outside my area.

      Reply ↓
    2. MotherofaPickle*

      My personal rule is 3 boxes from the first person to ask me, 1 box for every person after that. If I happen to hit a bunch of Walmarts at the right time, I have enough to last months!

      Reply ↓
    3. fhqwhgads*

      My coworkers put their kids’ links in slack. I usually buy from whoever is farthest from their goal. I do like that now the kids have personal links and it shows their goals, so I can factor that in. One other minor factor was one kid still had a certain flavor and the other kid had sold out of that.
      Every office is different and I could see it becoming a popularity contest (or more likely: a suck up situation), but if so, shame on the adults. What I generally see happen is people either: buy from the first person to ask OR buy from the person they work with more. And I don’t mean slicing hairs here. I mean people who work together daily vs interact maybe once a quarter at most. But I only even know who did what because they said it themselves in slack.

      Reply ↓
  3. H.Regalis*

    When I worked in an office, everyone just left their cookie signup sheets on the kitchen island in the break room and people ordered how they wanted. That worked pretty well. Personally, if there were multiple people selling I’d try to order a little from each, but that’s just me.

    Reply ↓
    1. FanciestCat*

      I wonder if OP is still with her husband, there are some red flags in the original post and especially in that update comment. The fear of being abandoned and not trusting your husband’s version of the story because he might be exaggerating… Or maybe they worked it out.

      Reply ↓
      2. LaminarFlow*

        Maybe it’s not so much that LW didn’t trust her husband’s version of events, as much as it’s that everyone was drunk & the details are fuzzy to all. No malicious intent. This actually works in LW’s favor – if she said something truly hideous to anyone, they might not remember it.

        Either way, I would apologize to the co-workers, as well as anyone else who witnessed the scene. Husband might think it’s not a big deal/nobody really remembers or cares, but it would hang on my conscience.

        LW should also think about not drinking if she’s going through an emotionally hard time, or giving herself a pre-determined amount of drink tickets at events so she doesn’t get wasted and make another embarrassing scene.

        Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      There’s something really alarming about OP not being able to trust their husbands version of events, and yet it makes more sense than her getting furious out of nowhere. It also explains his not wanting OP to apologise.

      Reply ↓
      1. CaffeineFiend*

        I noticed that, but I really think it depends on if the husband also drank, and if so how much. It sounds like he definitely wasn’t as hammered as LW, but had probably had a few drinks as well, which could have caused him to misremember or misinterpret the situation.

        And while I don’t agree, I can definitely see how one would land on not apologizing being the better option – he could have thought it was likely no one else remembered and that bringing it up could cause more problems, or it could have been a poorly communicated concern about how sending it over email reads, or bristling at the thought of the details being in writing on company servers when it doesn’t have to be.

        Not to say 100% the husband is perfect, I noticed the combination as well, but I don’t see anything compelling to point towards there being something more going on there.

        Reply ↓
      2. Testing*

        Yeah… I don’t like this at all. The fear of abandonment, the not being able to trust the husband’s version (especially since the colleagues don’t corroborate it), and working hard on making this up to the husband.

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          Unless OP has trust issues because of a previous relationship but husband hasn’t really given a reason to feel like that with him.

          Reply ↓
            1. MK*

              Eh, while I agree this relationship sounds off, to say the least, I think the difference could be one of perception. E.g. I sometimes feel embarassed for my parents’ behaviour in front of strangers (less often the older I get), but usually the other people don’t think much of it; that’s because I am a lot more invested in the situation than them. I can easily see how the husband might think his wife’s behaviour was incredibly inappropriate, while the coworkers forgot all about it by the next day.

              Reply ↓
              1. KateM*

                There could have been other people behaving inappropriately, so for husband, it was his spouse behaving embarrassingly (and possibly even not noticing others because of that), but for coworkers, it was a party as usual.

                Reply ↓
              2. Sunflower*

                I agree. We’re so hard on ourselves and loved ones with “embarrassing” acts but others don’t think anything of it. And we don’t think anything about others doing the same things.
                Also, if I got an apology from a coworker, I’d just accept it and move on instead of creating an uncomfortable workplace unless what was said was extremely horrible. Maybe this is what the two guys did too.

                Reply ↓
                1. Nonsense*

                  Heck, we’ve got a great example here in the archives of two people remembering an embarrassing event very differently – the interviewee who accidentally spilled condoms from her purse. She was completely mortified, but after she’d started the job she apologized to the hiring manager, who didn’t remember the incident at all because the manager realized she had spinach caught in her teeth the whole time!

            2. Falling Diphthong*

              1) How much the colleagues drank, and whether this makes them more or less likely to take offense.
              2) How discernible she even was to bystanders–both literally, and there’s this whole thing in long relationships (not only marriages) where the person to whom you feel linked is about to tell the bear story again, and you are cringing, yet it’s actually not nearly that bad for the people encountering it for the first time.
              3) The colleagues’ main goal is to tiptoe rapidly away from the marital drama.

              Reply ↓
            3. Beany*

              The husband and the colleagues will have different biases: unless they have some reason not to like OP or her husband, etiquette will probably lead the colleagues to downplay the incident.

              Meanwhile, OP’s husband is more likely to catastrophize about it. I mean, he could be manipulating OP by playing it up as worse than it was — but he can be doing that to himself too.

              Reply ↓
            4. Tippy*

              Also I don’t think you can discount the idea that the coworkers are just being nice and not making a big deal about it because 1. LW seems genuinely apologetic and 2. what’s the point now?

              Brushing it off as not a big deal or not even remembering is exactly how I would and have dealt with this type of thing from both colleagues and friends.

              Reply ↓
              1. Artemesia*

                This. Every incident like this I have witnessed including the horrifying co-worker who hammered on the doors of the women on the retreat while smashed, have resulted in people saying ‘oh no big deal.’ WHEN it often was pretty awful.

                Reply ↓
              2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

                Yeah. Personally, if someone came to me with what appeared to be a sincere apology, I’d be hard pressed to take that opportunity to rub it in with “yeah, you really were awful!”—even if they were! Especially with a colleague I’d have to work with in the future.

                Reply ↓
            5. Yvette*

              Maybe the colleagues were being polite because they didn’t want her to feel bad. Unless somebody had done something particularly awful I probably would’ve downplayed it too or maybe they didn’t remember it very well either!

              Reply ↓
    3. RCB*

      Can you help point me to the update comment? When I click the link it just takes me to that page, and I can’t find the update, can you give me the name they posted under or something that I can search for? Thanks!

      Reply ↓
        1. Oui oui oui all the way home*

          Or second last comment if you have expanded all the replies as someone replied to OP1’s comment.

          Reply ↓
    4. Oui oui oui all the way home*

      Thank you for the link! For anyone following the link, scroll down to the last comment on the page.

      Reply ↓
      1. Unhide*

        The link obviously doesn’t seem to be working if you hide nested answers by default. Then you will jump to the top comment.
        Unhide the nested replies and refreh the link, that should be working.

        Reply ↓
    5. Irish Teacher.*

      Even before reading the update, my thought was “what if the husband isn’t telling the full truth?” I know there is no reason to assume that but the combination of only having his word for things and his discouraging her from speaking to the others there made me wonder.

      It’s still probably more likely that he is telling the truth and was just say hoping the others had been so drunk they didn’t remember what she said and thought therefore pretending it didn’t happen was the best option.

      I’d love to hear another update, both just out of curiousity and to know that everything is OK and this was just a one-off embarrassing situation and not a series of red flags.

      Reply ↓
      1. duinath*

        Literally scrolled down to the comments before reading the other letters because this was so sus.

        I hope everything is okay with LW1.

        Reply ↓
        1. No Rudolph*

          Pretty strange in the first place that the husband would proceed to the bar while OP was still in the bathroom. Unless he got mixed up and thought she was already ahead of them, that in itself is pretty sus.

          Reply ↓
  5. cncx*

    For LW3, the constant “excuse me” would be more nerve wracking and distracting than the noises. But honestly, any repetitive noise that was at random would be annoying, I had a coworker who was a yawner, one who talked to himself, and another currently who is a throat clearer. It was hard to work in a shared space with them. I actually would prefer a burper to a throat clearer at this point.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dahlia*

      I just went and read the comments on the original post and OP stated, “The thing is, this is sometimes happening on a frequency in excess of once a minute.”

      That would be so distracting.

      Reply ↓
      2. Account*

        Yes and somewhere in there, a commenter mentioned that the LW might have a really skewed perspective on what is normal, given that their family all has these same behaviors/tics/problems.

        I hope they went back to their doctor and asked for help. My suspicion is that this was a learned, unconscious behavior. So my steps would be:
        primary care
        Gastroenterology
        Speech therapy
        Occupational therapy

        The last two are because I think the GI doc is going to say “You don’t have any clear GI problems”. And that does NOT mean “there’s nothing you can do about this.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Samantha Parkington*

          There was also a comment thread where he was all, “what do you mean, you can control it and make it quieter?” He wasn’t even trying to not be noticeable.

          Reply ↓
          1. LaurCha*

            I kind of figured that was the deal when he used the word “belching”. He’s just letting it fly, out loud, when in fact, you CAN tone it down and control a burp if you know it’s coming. I would lose my entire mind if someone right next to me belched out loud every other minute. It’s egregious. The rest of the human race has figured out how to muffle farts and burps, LW needs to work on that.

            Reply ↓
      3. Artemesia*

        OMG. someone burping and/or farting once a minute simply requires being placed at a location where he can’t drive everyone else nuts. This is as bad as someone who takes his calls on speaker film in a cube farm.

        Reply ↓
    2. Dog momma*

      I’ll take all 3 instead of a frequent! burper and farter! This person should go back to the doctor, & look at their diet. There’s meds for this. and I can’t imagine it doesn’t smell. Everyone does it on occasion. but constant belching and farting..ugh. She’s right, use the bathroom, & do what you want in your own house. I’d be begging my boss to move my desk, or a transfer, or find another job. But I shouldn’t have to.
      LW doesn’t appear to want to do much about this imo…& I’m a retired nurse ( post op) where the day after surgery our 1st question is…are you passing gas..not burping>.gone #2.. bc that’s how we know things are working.

      Reply ↓
      1. DJ Abbott*

        You are so right about diet! Many of the foods that are considered healthy also cause gas and digestive distress. Beans, dairy, vegetables with high fructose and complex carbohydrates, and whole-grain cereals are all notorious for these problems, but you would never know this, by looking at the people advocating for them. They’re not healthy if you can’t digest them!
        Also, the digestive problems get worse as you get older. My sensitivity to fructose and fiber went from uncomfortable, to more uncomfortable, to debilitating cramps and pains that require staying in bed. Everyone should look at their own body and what it can handle, not blindly follow the advice of the health food people.

        Reply ↓
        1. Refwence Libwarian*

          Trigger warning for a poop/bathroom habits comment:

          The diet thing could be key. My admin is vegan and let’s just say if I saw the toilet lid down in the shared staff bathroom, I knew she probably left a sticky poopy surprise smeared in the bowl for us. And it was ALWAYS sticky. It wasn’t until I mentioned bathroom hygiene to my supervisor that she had some more supplies brought in so people could clean anything they left over.

          I only realized it was her because several times I’d happen to use the bathroom after her and have to spend extra time flushing the toilet to try to diminish her gifts.

          Reply ↓
          2. FricketyFrack*

            Uhh, I don’t think that’s just because she was vegan. I’ve been vegan for several years and that’s definitely not something I’ve experienced, nor have I heard that’s an issue in any of the vegan forums I’ve participated in.

            Reply ↓
            2. Refwence Libwarian*

              Could be she has a condition that causes that! I just jumped to her vegan diet because I know I occasionally get that way if I eat a lot of beans and greens on a regular basis.

              Maybe we have the same condition…

              Reply ↓
            3. K*

              My diet is mostly whole grains, beans, and greens and I’m not particularly gassy but I was also raised by whole food hippies and have been a vegetarian for over 30 years so I assume my intestinal flora is well adapted. I think if someone suddenly switches to such a diet they would have…side effects.

              Reply ↓
            4. Rainy*

              Many many years ago, my bff was dating a guy whose roommate was a fruitarian vegan. She ate only bananas, dates, apricots, and nuts. And with a diet like that, it can absolutely have a negative effect on your digestion.

              When fruitarian moved out, she left the door of the ensuite washroom closed. I was helping bff move in, and I opened it, slammed it shut, and said “Get me every scrap of deep-cleaning everything you have and then *get out*. Go work on the kitchen or something.”

              BFF said “What’s up?” and started toward me and I said, “I am not letting you see this room until I’ve cleaned it.” I scrubbed that washroom from top to bottom before I’d even let my friend look at it. And even then, we cleaned it again together. If she’d seen it in the state it was when I opened the door, she never would have been able to use it, ever.

              I scrubbed the toilet THREE TIMES because I’d scrub it, think it looked okay, flush a couple of times, and more feces would appear as the flushing worked scraps of caked fecal matter out of the flush holes in the underside of the rim. From the looks of things, she hadn’t had a single solid bowel movement in the two years she’d lived there. To be clear, she was an extremely gross person, but she also had serious toilet issues. There were spatters of liquid feces everywhere in that bathroom. I don’t know if the smears were attempts to clean up or just…smears…but the smears were everywhere too.

              Reply ↓
          3. DJ Abbott*

            In the forums where I learned about IBS, it was considered best manners to make sure the toilet was presentable for the next user. It should have been her doing the flushing, not you.

            Reply ↓
            1. Texan In Exile*

              I once dated a guy who left a horribly messy toilet in our hotel room. (There was even a brush next to the toilet, so he didn’t even have the excuse that he had no way to clean it.)(And if there’s not a brush, you use toilet paper and then WASH YOUR HANDS A LOT.)

              I realized then that I did not want a future with someone that thoughtless.

              Reply ↓
        2. Beany*

          Yeah, I think my body’s definitely become more prone to gas as I’ve aged. Fruit and acidic fruit-flavored chewy sweets are probably the worst offenders (I have a mild addiction to Sour Patch Kids), but I swear I never had this issue 10 years ago.

          Reply ↓
      2. Cloud Wrangler*

        Diet only goes so far. When my spouse had gallbladder issues the diet was basically the blandest diet possible. For years it belching was a problem because everything caused it. People presumed rudeness when it fact it was a medical condition.

        Test after test showed no stones. No surgeon would operate. Finally after begging one surgeon the gallbladder was removed. No stones. The surgeon said it was basically “sludge”.

        It was a life changing procedure.

        Reply ↓
    3. Baked Alaska*

      Right there with you.

      I’ll stand with Samuel Johnson on burping being natural and healthy (although once a minute is a LOT and is indeed distracting), but farting once a minute is torture for whoever’s near OP’s desk, and they’re absolutely deluded if they think their coworkers aren’t gagging.

      We all fart. It happens. But this is…too much.

      Reply ↓
    4. Emily_Gilmore*

      I had a coworker who cleared his throat and spit out the resulting mucus into his wastebasket approximately every 2-3 minutes, non-stop. Not only was it hideously gross, the frequent repetitive nature of the sound was really jarring.

      He insisted that this was a normal practice in his culture and that he would not stop doing it. Eventually HR put him in a corner away from anyone else, surrounded by empty cubicles.

      Reply ↓
    5. D*

      I think your bias for a burper over a throat-clearer might be because you’ve not recently been exposed to how loud, disruptive, startling, and even smelly a burp can be when just let loose.

      I work with teens and a new group has started coming in recently, who just let their burps rip from the recesses of their stomachs and project out a fully-opened, uncovered mouth. I’ve been actually startled by the rift in the universe that must form around it.

      The OP here apparently said in comments on the original post that he was burping/farting sometimes more than once per minute, and didn’t know that volume/sound/frequency could be modulated with a little control so… I’m picturing mouth-open, singing-to-the-gods style projectile burping.

      If you’d prefer that over throat-clearing (and once per minute!), more power to you. You have more fortitude than many.

      Reply ↓
    6. HotSauce*

      I have a throat clearer in my workplace. It’s not just repetitive, but also extremely loud. I’d honestly take burping over the screaming/throat clearing.

      Reply ↓
    7. Nobby Nobbs*

      I’m so glad fidget spinners have fallen out of fashion. Of all the fidget tools/toys that could have gone viral, it had to be the one that makes randomized whirring noises…

      Before I saw that this guy was just letting rip with abandon because he had no idea you could control the volume of burps and farts I was going to suggest white noise to muffle the disruption. Now I’m just shaking my head and hoping he figured it out instead of doubling down.

      Reply ↓
  6. Kalongdia*

    The cynical part of me wonders if the husband in #1 is not being entirely truthful, and that is why he doesn’t want her to apologize

    Reply ↓
  7. FanciestCat*

    I guess nowadays the scouts get their own ordering link that their parents can send to people. The last couple of years, people have just posted their daughter’s link in our company forum and then you order online and they’re shipped to you. Not sure if all troups do that.

    Reply ↓
    1. NotAnotherManager!*

      They all have the option now. Our council was the last one added because we were so big, they weren’t sure that Digital Cookie could handle us – and that was several years ago. You can still take orders on the paper forms, but that’s a pain because then you have to chase down the money on delivery (and GS makes taking digital payments a pain).

      Reply ↓
      1. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

        My mind immediately flashed to:

        Digital Cookie: Give me your orders!
        Council Parents: You CAN’T HANDLE our orders! Son, we live in a world that has cookie monsters, and those cookie monsters need to be appeased. Who’s going to do it? You?? You, Digital Cookie? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

        Reply ↓
  8. Sans Serif*

    For #3, I notice how he says he says scented products make him unable to work, but he doesn’t sympathize at all with the fact that his farts that “mostly” don’t smell may interfere with his coworkers ability to work. Also, the fact that he characterizes it as “this nonsense” tells me he just expects everyone to deal with it and has no concept of what it might be like sitting next to someone who burps and passes gas all day.

    Reply ↓
      1. Tippy*

        I would hate to listen to anyone do that all day, but FWIW in the original comments the LW refers to themselves as a “currently breastfeeding mother”.

        Actually, I wonder could that be part of the cause for the gassiness?

        Reply ↓
        1. Tippy*

          Actually nevermind about that (apologies), someone over there didn’t change their username from before. Although now I am curious if breastfeeding can make one more gassy, now just for my own curiosity???

          Reply ↓
          1. toe beans*

            I mean, not that I recall? Pregnancy can, because it messes with your digestion/causes nausea and also frankly your organs are all pretty squished by the end. Breastfeeding, no, not really.

            Reply ↓
          2. KateM*

            If anyhthing, breastfeeding made me less gassy because if I had gas so had my baby and if my baby had gas then he was so much in torture… so I had a lot of motivation to avoid gas-causing food.

            Reply ↓
    3. duinath*

      Yeah… this is far from nonsense, and I am surprised it hasn’t come up before this.

      How do you even get hired if you’re farting or belching (from comments) so often it can go up to once a minute?

      …Or was it important enough to hold in your extra gas until the interview was over, perhaps. Perhaps that means you actually *can* control it. You just don’t care to.

      Reply ↓
  9. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    I sincerely hope OP3 did go to a doctor and get proper help. There’s a comment from the wonderful Katie The Fed in the original post that I think sums it up:

    So, here’s how this reads to me:

    – You haven’t gone to a specialist, you’re not willing to allow scented products, you won’t change your diet, you don’t want to try slowly releasing burps/farts, and you’re not willing to leave the room to do it. The only thing you’ve been willing to adjust is soda-drinking.

    I don’t think that’s fair to your colleagues. At this point, this isn’t even a diagnosed medical issues, but you’re expecting everyone to just deal. What you’re describing is incredibly disruptive and inconsiderate, and it’s not seeming like you’re willing to do much to make the situation better.

    Reply ↓
    2. Dr. Rebecca*

      Thank you for c/p this, Katie really did sum it up well.

      I would add, for the original letter writer, “go to the bathroom” doesn’t have to be literal, it could just mean leave the room/step into the hall/don’t be near the effected coworker. Like, get up, duck out of the room, and take care of business, which (I hope) is something we’ve all done on occasion.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hiring Manager (they/them)*

        Exactly. I have a small office that juts out from a large cubicle space and I tell the folks on my team and the other team that uses the space that if I’m not in my office, they’re welcome to use it as a space to take a break, shut the door and get some quiet and *never explicitly said, but fully implied* do those things like blow your nose or have a coughing fit without bothering anyone else.

        Reply ↓
      2. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Very much agreed. For a while when adjusting to new meds I was releasing gas very frequently and out of respect for all my colleagues I tried to not be in the room when letting go.

        Or in the lift. That’s also not a good thing when you decide to blow off and at the next stop the CEO gets on and is gagging within a second. Ooops.

        Reply ↓
      3. Jackalope*

        That’s not really an option here though, or at least not a primary option. If there are times of day when things get worse then that can be a good way to deal with it, but if the LW is burping an average of once a minute… she needs to be able to get work done too. And I doubt she can usefully work in the bathroom so she can avoid people every time her body needs to expel gas (from one end or the other). Many of the other suggestions here might work, but this one isn’t practical.

        Reply ↓
      4. fhqwhgads*

        That’s the one suggestion I understand why the LW didn’t want to try to take. They said it happens once a minute. So “leave the room” isn’t practical. But the half-dozen other things they could’ve tried were feasible, and yet they just…didn’t.

        Reply ↓
    3. K*

      Between sinus issues and an excitable vagus nerve * I sniffle a LOT and am not necessarily aware of it — I’m just trying to breathe! So I do empathize with the letter writer who is just ambling about in a poorly engineered sack of flesh. However, you can train yourself to be consciously aware of things and take steps to alleviate them, whether that be getting an odor absorbing chair cushion, moving to a more private cubicle, removing certain things from your diet, teaching yourself to burp more quietly…. (In my case carrying nasal spray with me and stopping by the bathroom to blow my nose before returning to my desk after lunch)

      *so one day when I was a teen my mom finally lost however many years of patience and shrieked WHY DOES YOUR NOSE ALWAYS RUN AFTER YOU EAT and I was like “what? It does?” And she told me to ask my pediatrician but I didn’t so she asked her doctor who said “oh yeah, vaso-motor rhinitis.” It’s one of the rare conditions that annoys the people around the patient more than the patient themselves.

      Reply ↓
  10. liz*

    LW 3 needs to see a gastroenterologist. As someone who has their share of stomach/bowel issues the sheer amount of meds that can help is incredible. Also, to be frank, you can train your body to be less loud when the need arises for these things.

    Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think this is where the family history comes in, as someone said upthread–LW learned that the correct approach is to just let loose every 45 seconds. There are other approaches.

      Reply ↓
    3. Kelly L.*

      Yup. Sometimes as a result of acid reflux I have a spate of burping. But it’s possible to do sort of under one’s breath–if the word “belch” is being used, I picture a big old Simpsons blast where your tongue and uvula are visibly vibrating lol.

      Reply ↓
  11. toe beans*

    A burp is the worst sound in the world to me, and always has been. I don’t know why. I wish to god it wasn’t. Nails on a chalkboard is nothing to it.

    I try not to show how much it bothers me, because a) it’s ridiculous and b) it feels cruel to make people feel bad for stuff like that when we’re all piloting these silly meat suits around and dealing with the various gross things they do. But if I sat next to someone who burped out loud every minute all day long, and had no intention of trying to do it more quietly or make any changes whatsoever, I would absolutely lose the plot.

    Reply ↓
    1. DeliCat*

      Yeah, it would make me feel incredibly queasy to be sat next to someone who was constantly burping and farting. One of us would have to be moved.

      Reply ↓
    2. K*

      My jerk of a sister taught my son how to burp on command and it is now how he amuses himself on car rides and anyway it’s horrible and I need to come up with a suitable revenge.

      Reply ↓
      2. Artemesia*

        Buy him really really noisy toys — there are devices that do nothing but make variious sound effects and others that are like microphones that distort voices. Ban it in your car — but send it for his birthday so he has it at home.

        Reply ↓
    3. Artemesia*

      This frequency of burping is. a habit rather than a need to release gas. Just as some people get in the habit of clearing their throat constantly, some people develop a burping behavior. This can be changed if the person has any interest in not being an irritating doink.

      Reply ↓
  12. ijustworkhere*

    Here’s some life lesson I learned the hard way–if you can’t keep your drinking at a company event to one drink, then settle for zero drinks. At one drink, you still have control of your faculties. By the second drink your guardrails are weakening. It is much easier to take the 3rd, 4th and 5th drink after the second one.

    I hope the OP sorted everything out and all was well.

    Reply ↓
    2. Wayward Sun*

      Recovering alcoholics are fond of saying you’re only in fully in control of the first one. That may be an over-generalization, but there is a point beyond which most people lose the ability to make a judgement call about whether they should have another.

      Reply ↓
  13. Peanut Hamper*

    re: Girl Scout Cookies: If you have not seen it, the Jolly channel on YouTube has a video of British high school students trying Girl Scout cookies for the first time that is absolutely delightful.

    I’ll post a link in a follow-up comment, although it’s easy to search for if you don’t want to wait.

    Reply ↓
    3. Dog momma*

      Peanut, I saw that, and it was delightful! They go round our country and try a lot of our food..and enjoy most of it.

      Reply ↓
    4. Hermione Danger*

      The think I think they missed with the Thin Mints–and there is no way they’d know about this just from buying a bunch of boxes–is that frozen is the best way to eat them.

      Reply ↓
  14. Clearance Issues*

    girl scouts: If I am friends with any of the parents I choose them for cookie order. If it’s a remote team member vs an in office coworker, I go “in office.”

    constant burping/farting: As a kid I thought passing gas was funny. I also could not stop myself. we went on an elimination diet as a family for my mother’s health and discovered I had a few intolerances; lactose being one of them. I no longer have constant gas because I cut way down on my dairy intake and use lactaid if I do eat cheese around people.
    Now it’s not funny, it’s mortifying. I know how bad it smells and how annoying it is. I lost friends because of the gas frequency as a child. One will slip out occasionally because passing gas SOMETIMES is normal, but multiple times per minute is not. Please go to the doctor or at least explore potential gas causing foods in your diet.

    Reply ↓
  15. Expectations*

    To all the folks who think seeing a doctor will fix any GI issues, doctors are not magicians. Treatments that help an infrequent bout of whatever often do not work on or do no more than lessen the effect of chronic issues.

    Reply ↓
    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      NOT seeing a doctor guarantees the problem will continue, seeing a doctor at least gives a chance. I don’t see anyone expecting magic. I definitely see people saying it’s worth a try.

      Reply ↓
    3. Generic Name*

      No, doctors aren’t magicians, but they do have access to specialized diagnostic tools and the ability to prescribe medications that people without medical licenses do not have the ability to do. Saying this is like saying, “I’ve tried nothing and am all out of ideas”

      Reply ↓
    4. NotAnotherManager!*

      Right, so the doctors are all out of magic, so they should just carry on venting their gastric system without regard for the people around them and make no effort to even try to figure out why they’re abnormally gassy.

      I bet the chronic belcher/farter’s coworkers would welcome even a lessening the effect of said issues.

      Reply ↓
    5. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t think the reactions are based on people believing in all-cure medical miracles, but that the OP hadn’t really tried to resolve it, and was under the impression it wasn’t a big deal. If the OP had said 1) that it was irresolvable after extensive medical investigation, 2) that they fully understood the colleagues’ complaint, and 3) were looking for non-medical alternative solutions, then people would have responded more to 3, than to the medical aspects, which is usually a common-sense first step. I appreciate that the OP tried to tone it down a little after the colleagues’ complaint, but they also referred to it as “nonsense” and hadn’t really done anything proactive.

      Reply ↓
    6. Dahlia*

      No, but people asked if this OP had seen one, and they said, basically, “Yes and the doctor said it was normal”, but when questioned further, it turned out that

      – It had been several years since that visit
      – That visit had been about other things and the burping was just tacked on
      – OP had not described how frequently it was happening or any of the details
      – And it seemed like their doctor kinda sucked in general

      They had done nothing medically on top of not knowing it was possible to try to make burps quieter.

      Reply ↓
    7. fhqwhgads*

      It’s not that a doctor is magic. It’s that the doctor can help the person understand norms. The person doesn’t seem to understand that while burping/farting are natural things everyone does, the frequency with which they’re doing it is waaaaaaay outside the norm. They also didn’t seem to understand that most people can control it to an extent. I don’t think they’ll believe coworkers, friends or acquaintances about what the norm is. But a doctor could both assess what’s happening, determine if there’s a medical reason for the frequency and even if there isn’t a super helpful treatmeant, just reframe the whole dang thing for LW, who seems to be coming from a totally skewed perspective.

      Reply ↓
  16. Aldvs*

    LW2–Also know that you may think you’re being annoying, but to the individual, you may not be–they understand it’s needed. As a signatory on vendor contracts for my reports, I’m juggling multiple items and priorities. I may see your email, but have to jump into a meeting, then get pulled in several different directions to then come to the end of the day, and it’s one of many items on my list, and I’ll say I’ll do it first thing in the morning, then get high priority emails in the morning I need to address and the cycle continues…

    I find that those reports who reach out to me at various times and methods get their stuff signed off on faster than those that send an email in the morning, wait all day, then send it the next morning again. It’s a matter of catching me at the right time where I can fit in a signature at that moment. I tell my team, the squeaky wheel gets the grease!

    Also, those that give me deadlines and impacts on not getting that signature by that date/time, get me to push that higher on my priority list.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hiring Manager (they/them)*

      This this this!

      I got a staff of 25 to start taking the timecard review process seriously when they found out that even missing the deadline by an hour made *everyone* get paid late. How no one had communicated that to them was surprising to me, but once they understood the gravity, it was automatically above even their most important task for the day.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Ah yes. The “I’m busy and important to do this thing I consider trivial so I’m just gonna ignore it and make the other person jump through hoops until I decide to help.” approach.
      Sucks to work with people like that. The arrogance is so awful. It’s a recurring thing, just get your act together and don’t make people dance for you.

      Reply ↓
      1. NotAnotherManager!*

        When you have a finite amount of time, you prioritize, and, yes, things that are trivial compared to the rest of your docket can end up lower on your list than they are to the person whose job it is to track them and ensure completion. That’s the whole point of having someone whose job it is to ensure completion of rote paperwork and follow up with the stragglers. There are jobs that are objectively more important to the functioning of the business or go through busy spikes where there just aren’t enough hours in the day, so make sure you’re right about this situation being arrogance and not a “do more with less” byproduct before getting self-righteous about your TPS reports. There’s always an inherent tension between compliance and business.

        Reply ↓
      2. Aldvs*

        Arrogance? Wow! That says more about you than it does about me. We’re just a team trying to get things done with a limited amount of time. It’s not about ignoring an item on purpose. It’s about “help me, help you” because yes, it’s part of your job to remind people of your deadlines. Signing something is lower on my priority list than that 1800 fires I’m helping put out. Yes, client support is a higher priority over signing a vendor contract. But–by catching me at the right time, or letting me know what issues can arise if I don’t sign this by noon, can help me re-prioritize and I can get that signed earlier for you.

        I was just trying to provide perspective to the LW that what they consider annoying may actually be helpful/useful. That’s why they have been assigned, as part of their job duties, to chase after the signatures.

        Reply ↓
      3. toe beans*

        I mean, speaking as someone whose job involves chasing busy and important people – yes, this can be legitimate. I keep track of a lot of processes, and I will very likely have to ask a director for something several times before they have the headspace to get it signed off and sent back to me. I expect to. It’s one of the things they pay me for. If they devoted the same effort to tracking these things, then they wouldn’t be getting all their stuff done, and their stuff is more critical to the organisation.

        Reply ↓
      4. Apex Mountain*

        That’s a bit harsh. If it’s literally just a signature, yes don’t make people jump through hoops, but if the contracts need to be read, examined, redlined etc. that takes time and thought

        Reply ↓
  17. 40 Years in the Hole*

    For the GI-challenged OP: maybe a small fan/air purifier continually running and adjusted to blow downwind (ie away from co-worker) would alleviate some fallout from the butt bombs, as well as mitigate some of the noise from the burps. I used a small fan like this in my cube for relatively non-egregious smelling food, that I still thought my peeps wouldn’t necessarily appreciate (sardines). Or likewise pointed towards their space for similar lunchtime indiscretions…

    Reply ↓
  18. Dov Ber*

    I’m so grateful to be able to work from home these days, so I don’t have to worry about having a body that does body things on top of doing my actual job. The mental space that’s freed up from not having to constantly monitor the ways just breathing or digesting could bother other people, and then proactively mitigate them, is enormous. It’s on par with the freedom that comes from no commute, in terms of the benefits of remote work.

    I have lifelong sinus issues based on the literal structure of my face bones. I breathe through my mouth, because the other option is not breathing at all. Sorry, not sorry, about your misophonia? (yes, I am a little bitter from my past cubicle life!)

    The real problem is, of course, that office environments – especially cubicle pens or open offices – aren’t conducive humans getting along smoothly with one another. We’re not built to deal with the animal body-ness of a bunch of other (non-intimates) people in close proximity all day everyday. It inevitably produces problems!

    Reply ↓
  19. H3llifIknow*

    I know these are old letters but number 3 if you’re still a reader, there is a product called “tootles” which are charcoal lined “flatulence filtering” underwear for both men and women. Might be a help if the colleagues are offended by any fart smells. Good Luck.

    Reply ↓
  20. Kit*

    Re: Girl Scout Cookies. Argh! The dreaded sign up sheet. Aside from the fundraising aspect, isn’t part of selling the cookies to teach girls how to talk to people, be industrious, etc? I’m not sure how they learn by having Mom or Dad tack an order form on a work bulletin board.

    Reply ↓
    1. fhqwhgads*

      The letter is 6 years old and there is no tacking anymore. The scouts all have links and digital sales. Which teaches them how people mostly buy stuff online now. They do in person at tables outside grocery stores for the “learning how to do stuff” part, but reality is if you don’t have online sales rn, you probably don’t have sales at all.

      Reply ↓
    2. econobiker*

      Wife and I visited the museum house in Savanah Georgia for Julia Gordon Lowe the founder of the Girl Scouts. A local troop of Girl Scouts had a table set up outside of the museum.

      Talk about “shooting fish in a barrel” because those young ladies were MAKING BANK! at that location from us tourists!

      Reply ↓
  21. econobiker*

    #4 Fundraising by employees children-

    At one of my old jobs, the operations vice president over the facility had his child’s Fundraising sign up sheet for Christmas items out on the office breakroom table in mid October. I signed up for about $40 worth of stuff to be delivered mid December paid for by end of November.
    At the end of October, I was notified of my
    layoff at the end of November by that same VP of Operations because of an impending industry downturn in January of the next year (FYI: heavy duty tractor truck emissions changes in January 2007 that sunk truck sales). VP of Operations never asked me for the money nor would I have paid him anything in November as I worked through my exit month in order to qualify for a severance package. I hope he enjoyed paying for my stuff in order to support his child.

    Ce la vi!

    Reply ↓

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