my employee never apologizes for mistakes

by Alison Green on December 11, 2024

A reader writes:

I manage an employee who’s in his first year out of college. He’s a great employee and has impressed people at all levels of the company and has received recognition for his good work. But there is one thing recently that has been driving me up a wall and I can’t tell if I’m being overly sensitive: for big projects with tight turnarounds he will turn in work that is wrong in major ways, and when I point this out (or sometimes am forced to fix it myself) he will thank me for the correction but not apologize for the error.

Should I be speaking up about this? Is he actually being rude, or do I just have a bruised ego? I know women have a tendency to over-apologize, and I am absolutely one of those women.

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • My colleague says I don’t respond to his emails — which I never received
  • Should I thank my husband’s company for their great holiday party?
  • Should I disconnect from coworkers at my toxic old job on LinkedIn?
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{ 118 comments }

{ 118 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. learnedthehardway*

    OP#4 – Allison is right. As a recruiter, I have NEVER contacted someone’s connections to get feedback on them – not unless I already knew the connection independently (and even then, I am very reluctant to do back-door references, as it’s a violation of candidate privacy. Some recruiters will do this but again, only if they already know the connection and trust that person.)

    Unless you remove yourself from having worked for the company, anyone using LinkedIn Recruiter who does a search on the company is going to see that you worked with the other current and/or former employees at that company, anyway. So removing your connections isn’t going to stop a recruiter from knowing that you know those people.

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    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      If that OP is actually looking for permission from us to disconnect from those former coworkers, I’d say: OP, go ahead and disconnect. If seeing them in your feed etc. annoys you or brings back bad memories of toxic situations, there’s no need to keep them out of politeness. But as to your cited reasons for why to remove them, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Coworkers are not a reflection on you the same way friends can be if you keep in touch with toxic friends.

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      1. Richard Hershberger*

        I am mystified why the OP wants to stay connected with people she didn’t like at a toxic job. The way the letter is couched seems to take for granted that staying connected is the expectation, and as you say is looking for an excuse to dump them.

        Reply ↓
        1. Ana Maus*

          With some people, it can cause unnecessary Drama if you disconnect from them on social media. It’s often easier to keep them there and ignore them.

          In this case, though, I would do it anyway to distance myself from toxic behavior

          Reply ↓
  2. B*

    It took me years to stop apologizing for ordinary mistakes and recognize they should be expected on occasion even from exemplary employees (like this person, apparently). Kudos to a new employee for having an appropriate, healthy relationship with work and his own infallibility.

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    2. Meep*

      This question was interesting, because I had to check my own internal sexism. On one hand, I fully support women never apologizing for small mistakes or errors. Too many men expect us to and we come off as arrogant for it. Funny enough, I felt like HE was the arrogant one reading the letter and had to back up and say “No. Unless it is egregious and caused serious problems, he shouldn’t be apologizing for every mistake.”

      All that is really important is that he fixes it when it is noticed, right?

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      1. jlp*

        I also fully support women apologizing for stuff – it’s social lubricant and can sometimes make things easier. Why do I have to adapt a masculine style in order to be successful? I get annoyed by all the advice for women / fem presenting to change how they communicate – I don’t see similar feedback to men / masc presenting to change how they communicate to women.

        I fully acknowledge that this is a personal thing for myself and it may cause issues for me career wise, but its the approach I’m taking. Cause I’m tired of changing everything about myself to make it work in the world.

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        1. Frank Doyle*

          This is a very interesting comment and has given me something to think about, thank you for posting it! (Despite my username and avatar, I happen to be a woman, if that matters.)

          Reply ↓
        2. Happy*

          I completely agree. A lot of the advice focused towards women sounds like, “You need to be aggressive and confident, regardless of the situation.” And even besides the fact that we know that approach can have negative repercussions for women that it doesn’t for men, like…If I’m not sure about something, I’m not going to pretend to be, and when I screw up I’m going to apologize, and if people don’t like that I think they are the problem, not me. Just because women do something more often than men do doesn’t make it wrong.

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        3. Wallaby, Well I'll Be*

          I agree with this, and would throw in female/femme vocal affectations, too, like vocal fry, and upspeak. There’s nothing wrong with the way we speak. It’s just different to how men/masc people speak.

          Ideally, folks of every gender would balance apologies with the LW’s employee’s strategy of being thankful for the feedback. But I am tired of being told the things I do naturally as a woman are wrong. I am not the problem.

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          1. Saturday*

            Ironically, in some cases vocal fry comes about because of women trying to keep their voice from sounding too high-pitched and feminine.

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        4. Saturday*

          Thank you so much for saying this! I totally agree. So much workplace advice for women amounts to “Men don’t do things this way. Therefore, you’re doing it wrong!”

          I think avoiding apologies is unnecessary. Yes, don’t apologize for issues that you didn’t even cause, but these are, “big projects with tight turnarounds he will turn in work that is wrong in major ways.” I think it’s totally natural for a “sorry” to be part of the response. Not a big deal how-could-I-have-been-so-stupid apology, but just a simple, this project could have got out with a major problem, and you took the time to fix it for me apology plus a thank you. It just helps to communicate an understanding of the problem and it’s an acknowledgment that someone else had to fix the work. A “sorry” doesn’t have to be a big terrible thing.

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          1. Paulina*

            “Men don’t do things this way”, as advice, is also a problem because people often expect women to be ‘softer’ about things. I’m a woman who’s quite direct, in a field that tends to have mostly men who are also quite direct, but I’ve noticed that people react like I’m being more harsh than my male colleagues are. They often expect “female communication style” rather than “techie communication style”, and interpret me through those expectations. It’s a no-win situation.

            However, I would also apologize in a routine way for any error I made, or misunderstandings that I was part of; however, I’m in Canada so that’s normal irrespective of gender.

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        5. Meep*

          I very much disagree. Women already have the bulk of emotional labor for social interactions thrusted upon them. They shouldn’t have to apologize to make a man feel better and if they think it comes off as aggressive that is on the man.

          It doesn’t mean you have to change, but encouraging fellow women to continue to cater to men IS sexism at its finest.

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          1. jlp*

            I agree and disagree. To me, the emotional labor comes from altering how I interact with the world in an effort to be viewed more competent. Trying to navigate when to apologize and when not to is just too much work for me and feels more like catering to masculine communication styles than just apologizing when I did something wrong (and making a mistake is doing something wrong in my mind). This is absolutely how I feel about it though and I fully respect that apologizing feels more like labor for you – totally understand and absolutely respect the choices you make on this.

            I don’t want to encourage other women / femme presenting folks to adopt the same communication style I have. I want to encourage everyone to be flexible and understanding of everyone else’s communication styles. Especially because how we communicate absolutely changes not just due to gender, but also culture and so many other things!

            Basically, I would absolutely apologize if I made a mistake. I would not be upset if someone didn’t apologize though.

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          2. Happy*

            Encouraging women to act like men (by not apologizing) in order to be taken seriously is also sexism at it’s finest.

            (For women who don’t want to apologize, great! Don’t! But it’s not like there is some magic non-sexist path that is obvious and will solve all of our problems as long as we walk down it…all paths are fraught.)

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        6. KC*

          I love this point. This annoyed me about the whole “Lean In” craze — like, what’s so bad about leaning out? I think it would be better for society in general if men approached their jobs like women do by taking time to engage with their children and not working themselves into an early grave.

          Not to mention there’s plenty of evidence that women generally outperform men in a lot of ways because of their higher likelihood of doing things the “feminine” way. They are more likely to be communal (rather than agentic) leaders, which leads to better performance. I’ve spoken with many leaders in the military and many of them agree that women are indispensable in these roles because they are more organized and dependable than their male counterparts. The data do not consistently support the premise that the masculine way of doing things is better.

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          1. Jessica*

            THANK YOU.

            All this data about how teams with women on them perform better, and then they want to train away/mentor out/etc. everything that’s different about us.

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        7. couture zebra*

          It’s not that you have to change to communicate in a way that is more masculine.

          The issue is that if women communicate in a way that is more masculine, they are punished for it. For an example, all the times women are told they have to smile more in performance reviews. Men are never told that. Or when women are told they are being aggressive for simply speaking in a meeting and making a suggestion, when a man would be praised for being assertive.

          If women could communicate in either way without bad consequences, that would be fine. But that’s not the case. Apologies are not harmless social lubricant either, because it constantly reinforces the idea that women are wrong and have to apologize just for being present, when men rarely need to apologize at all.

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          1. Skipping*

            Not to be That Person ™, but it’s not just a gender divide and not all men benefit from this system. Black men in particular (black women too, who get hit with a double whammy) are especially prone to being considered aggressive if they have any resting expression that isn’t perfectly genial, and several black friends have been told off, or even written up(!) for not smiling/being performatively happy and dumb, for lack of better phrasing. It’s a really gross cultural not-so-leftover thing, and in more than half the cases it’s been white women accusing black coworkers (of all genders) of “acting threatening”, when literally all they were doing was sitting at their desks with a thinking face on.

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            1. Jessica*

              All men benefit from this system, even if they’re marginalized on other axes, just as all white people benefit from white privilege, even if they’re marginalized on other axes.

              Black men benefit from sexism even if they are also subject to racism and the form that racism takes is bound up with gender.

              This is like Intersectionality 101.

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        8. D*

          I’ll be completely honest as a (mostly) reformed over-apologizing woman: what really changed my mind on this topic was having people close to me who over-apologized to me. To be honest, it gets awkward. It’s so awkward to have contrition when I don’t think it’s at all warranted, and then to tell them that I didn’t need an apology, and then having them over-apologize for apologizing. As in:

          Her: I’m so sorry I ate the last chocolate!
          Me: Oh, no worries! They were up for grabs and I had plenty.
          Her: Ok, sorry though! It was the last one!
          Me: It’s fine! No apology necessary.
          Her: Ok, sorry!

          Her: I’m so sorry you were waiting!
          Me: Oh, no worries! I got here early. You’re actually right on time.
          Her: Ok, sorry!

          I’m not even exaggerating: I’ve had interactions just like these with a few people, and text can’t capture the contrition, the head-bowing, the awkward tone, and the general “I’m lower than you” disposition that came along with it, and which really irked me.

          I so prefer receiving and offering gratitude instead, because we’re people having conversation as equals, expressing understanding that we will all have our moments from time to time.

          I don’t think apologizing instead of thanking is an inherently masculine presentation, and I hope that it’s never considered that way in the larger world.

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          1. Happy meal with extra happy*

            Eh, I think any type of communication can get awkward and uncomfortable if overused, but it doesn’t mean it’s inherently wrong. It’s just as possible for someone to express over the top gratitude that’s unnecessary.

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        9. NotAnotherManager!*

          Apologizing when it’s contextually appropriate is fine. Over-apologizing or apologizing for things that aren’t even remotely related to anything you did is at best annoying and at worst an excuse for the social loafers (or sexists) to justify deflecting blame. I work with someone who apologizes for bad weather, for wearing too similar an outfit as another coworker, for our dingus coworker who can’t figure out how Outlook calendars work, and for using the office microwave and causing someone else a 90-second wait. It’s exhausting.

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    3. MystikSpiral*

      Yep! I am also an over-apologizer and have been working on NOT apologizing to my manager for work mistakes, unless my mistake causes her a lot of extra work lol. But that is rarely the case. I can’t imagine her being hurt by lack of apology.

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      1. anotherfan*

        I can see where the OP is coming from — as a woman, I’m also used to saying “oh! sorry! thanks for this” and fix it, but there’s no real reason why that ‘oh! sorry!’ needs to be said at all. We’re just conditioned to saying it and expecting it and, frankly, most guys aren’t. He probably didn’t even know that it’s a thing.

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    4. RSV*

      I once had a male employee who had borked several projects and sort of shrugged when that was pointed out to him. After one of his coworkers came to me about yet another issue in a perfect fury, I sat him down and walked him through the elements of a work apology–acknowledge the error and its effects, explain (but don’t excuse) what happened, offer a concrete plan for avoiding the problem in the future, and reiterate that he understood the effects of his mistake and was committed to not having it happen again. He was surprisingly attentive, to the point that he took written notes, and the furious coworker came back later to say that he had given an apology so on point that it belonged in a museum.

      Small errors don’t need the full treatment, of course, but for a lot of people it’s useful to say why a mistake happened, so that they/their manager can help prevent similar issues in the future, whether by changing a process, offering more training, or knowing what an employee’s strengths and weaknesses are.

      Reply ↓
  3. Annie2*

    Alison’s suggested response to the phantom emailer reads as quite passive-aggressive to me! I would send a simpler and more direct email – “Greg, Rav mentioned that you haven’t been getting email responses from me. I took a look and I don’t think I have any emails from you. It might just be lost in the ether – could you resend? Also, send me a DM if it happens again so we can get it figured out with IT.”

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      1. AnotherOne*

        I don’t either but I admit I may jump directly to IT- email IT cc:ing the person who says they’ve emailed me a bunch and I’ve never gotten them.

        I admit my thought would be they’re typing in my email address wrong but the moment I’m getting called out in a meeting I’m jumping to getting this resolved whatever the problem is, even if the other person ends up being a bit of a meme in another group.

        Cuz they could have just come to me or my manager first- there wasn’t a need to call it out in a meeting.

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        1. Pizza Rat*

          Before I got to the response, I was thinking “have IT take a look.” We had a past incident where an email update was literally causing emails to be deleted from mailboxes. It’s worth investigating as an issue.

          I also agree that it should have been addressed with the LW too instead of being brought up at a meeting. That would get my back up.

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      2. HonorBox*

        I didn’t read it as passive aggressive. Rather, I saw it as being very friendly and giving the benefit of the doubt, as in ‘of course you sent them so let’s find a reason why I didn’t get them.’

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        1. College Career Counselor*

          I suspect to some folks “very friendly” can read as passive-aggressive (or insincere), not unlike a too-sugary southern “bless your heart!”

          I had a twinge of that because [paraphrasing] “let’s go talk to IT and see what the problem is” is something I might consider if I
          a) didn’t believe they’d sent me the note in the first place
          b) was feeling slightly salty about being called out

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          1. I Have RBF*

            Which, given the events described in the letter, are true. The LW found no trace of the emails within their inbox, and they were salty about being called out in a meeting where they weren’t even present.

            Even if I flip it into troubleshooting mode, it would be “Let me contact our mail admin to look into the problem. Could you give me some dates to look at?”

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    2. Tio*

      It’s not really passive aggressive – like Alison said, if he is actually emailing and you weren’t getting them, this is an entirely reasonable course of action. IT would want to know if emails are actually not going through! And if the emails don’t exist, then it’s good to have a 3rd party confirmation.

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    3. Emily (not a robot)*

      I agree. It was a lot. If I saw that email, I would think the person sending it believed the recipient was likely lying about sending them emails.

      Reply ↓
        1. I Have RBF*

          And if it’s an IT problem, to troubleshoot it they need to know the date/time and subject from the sender’s “sent” folder so they can trace the email. If there are no emails on the subject to the LW in their sent folder, that is the issue. If there are, but they weren’t received, then IT can trace what happened, and identify the issue. Either way, the issue gets solved.

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        2. Hyaline*

          Well, lying, IT problem, or the third, very likely option–they made a mistake. You can in fact screw up and not send an email you thought you sent and not be *actively lying* about having done so.

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    5. Annika Hansen*

      I didn’t see it as passive aggressive. I had a very similar situation happen to me twice.

      Incident 1: I was told that I wasn’t responding to emails from someone. I had no record of receiving emails. The sender then forwarded me the emails. I was then able to see that she had sent them to Annika Hanson instead of Annika Hansen. We work in a big organization so I had no idea that someone with such a similar name had started. The other Annika would never let people know that contacted the wrong person. Our job duties were so dissimilar that is unlikely that she didn’t know it was for the wrong person. I was really happy that she only worked there for a year because there were other incidents of email/meetings getting misdirected.

      Incident 2: I was told that I wasn’t responding to emails. However, I did have evidence that I had replied in a timely matter. In some cases, other people had been copied and received the email so we involved IT. The complainer had accidentally put a rule to delete all emails sent from me.

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      1. KC*

        Exactly! I had four similar incidents and followed up in a similar way — I indicated I couldn’t find the emails, expressed concerns about an IT issue, and requested that they forward me the emails they’d sent. Responding as though the person is being honest is the best way forward to not end up looking like a jerk when IT issues really are afoot.

        On Incident #1, we realized they were misspelling my name and the emails were going to some other person’s account who was not following up to let the sender know she was not who they were looking for. On Incident #2, we realized there was a glitch in the system where, when I tried to reply to their email, something went wrong and the reply-to address was incorrect. On Incident #3, the sender realized that the email had never left their drafts and sheepishly admitted their mistake. On Incident #4, it quickly became clear that these emails were never sent. The offender didn’t admit it, but didn’t try those shenanigans again (this was a student who missed a deadline, so they were motivated to pull a fast one in hopes I would accept late work).

        I don’t consider it at all passive-aggressive to say “Something seems wrong, let’s see where the disconnect is so we can resolve the problem.” In my opinion, it’s the opposite — you’re communicating your experience of the issue and you’re being proactive about finding the solution and acting in good faith. The passive-aggressive response would be to say you’ll do something about it and then to do nothing, or to imply that they are at fault when you don’t have the evidence to make that accusation.

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    6. HR Friend*

      Yes I agree! Way too long, and does not read as intended- like OP is genuinely concerned about a technical error. It sounds like a passive aggressive gotcha.

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    7. Apex Mountain*

      I don’ t think passive aggressive, but it was just too long and wordy.

      You could just say “Hi Greg, I don’t think I received the email you mentioned. Can you please resend and I’ll reply shortly?”

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    8. new laptop who dis*

      When someone is generally a jerk to me at work, there’s nothing I love more than a passive-aggressive email calling them on their bullshit.

      If you’re throwing me under the bus and acting like I’m not responding to your non-existent emails? Hell yeah I’m going to ask you to please forward them right away. And yes indeed my manager is getting cc:ed.

      Reply ↓
      1. I Have RBF*

        I have one group that I support (I’m in IT) that I always CC my manager and his manager whenever I communicate with them. Why? Because they have a tendency to throw me under the bus with upper management for issues that they cause by operator error. If I screw up, I own it, but I don’t like getting blamed for other people’s screwups.

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      2. Emily (not a robot)*

        You indeed might want to be passive-aggressive! But you don’t want to be accidentally passive-aggressive.

        Reply ↓
    9. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I don’t think her response was passive-aggressive, but I agree with your two step process of having him re-send before involving IT the next time it happens. If he can’t re-send (because he never sent the email!) then you can involve IT at that point, but I’d give them the chance to re-send first if they did in fact already send it to you. But do it with a time frame in mind, e.g. let me know when you’ve sent it and then if it doesn’t come through in, say, 15 minutes, we can ask IT about it.

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    10. NetClari*

      I wouldn’t say passive aggressive but I agree it’s overcomplicated, and I like your version. There’s no reason to involve IT when we haven’t even confirmed he’s emailing the right person. Why not start by having him resend the emails, or by double checking that he has the right address. My guess is that he’s emailing Janet from Marketing when he thinks he’s emailing Janet from Accounting. Maybe Janet from Marketing is retired.

      Reply ↓
    11. Heidi*

      I think it depends on the tone and your work persona. I definitely know people that can write this kind of email and it comes off as completely sincere.

      Reply ↓
  4. Alex*

    For the main LW, I’ve seen a LOT of guides/tips that recommend replacing apologizing with thanking in most instances with work. Especially if he has a tight turnaround, its reasonable that there would be more mistakes, and as your manager you are helping him by catching them. I’m a woman and I also do the same thing, because apologizing isn’t necessary if you aren’t wronging/hurting anybody.

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    1. Also Alex Funny Enough*

      Came here to say exactly this. My coworker actually had a print out above her desk of ‘are you apologizing too much at work?’ and recommending alternatives pretty much exactly like this for common situations in which people, especially women, over-apologize at work. If he’s being respectful, acknowledging the correction and thanking you for it, he may have actively been told he should do this, and he’s not doing anything wrong.

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    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I have a manager who never apologizes or accepts responsibility for something going wrong. (But is quick to blame others.)

      I think a well-placed apology is important in a leader, but to me that’s a fact of management. You have to own the setbacks and not just the wins. (I don’t think people need to apologize for everything, but causing others unnecessary work and stress definitely falls in the “needs to apologize” category. Someone learning a new job is a different story.)

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    4. dawbs*

      I’ve had to work really hard at the opposite, at not over-accepting apologies.
      If someone screws up, saying “that’s OK” is…well, it’s just not always true.

      Honestly, it’s been working with very little kiddos that made this stick. If a 6 year old steals something and has to come back and apologize “It’s ok” is not the message I want to send. “Thank you for apologizing” and “I am so glad you decided to make it right” IS the message.

      Man,, being a human who communicates in both words and not-words is tough.

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    5. Coffee Protein Drink*

      I prefer the thanking vs apologizing. It’s still acknowledging the error and also the responsibility for fixing it.

      Reply ↓
    6. Your Former Password Resetter*

      I think a useful litmus test is asking myself if this is a normal part of the job.

      Double-checking and correcting the work of junior employees is a normal part of the process, so apologizing for not doing a perfect job would be weird. If he causes undue problems for colleagues, that would be worth apologizing for.

      On top of that, as a manager OP has a lot more options to be proactive here. If the employee is causing more problems than expected, they can adress that directly and coach them or replace them. Apologizing and promising improvement could be a first step, but if they’re getting hung up over it that may indicate that the problem is big enough to need actual managing.

      Reply ↓
      1. couture zebra*

        Agreed, I would care far less about the thanking and apologizing, and more about the pattern of tight deadlines and errors.

        What can be done to help reduce the errors in the future? That’s the actual issue here. The rest is just stuff on top that will go away if the base issue is addressed.

        Reply ↓
      2. Elsa*

        My litmus test is, have I inconvenienced the other person? Like if I made a careless mistake, someone caught it immediately, and I fixed it immediately, then “thank you for noticing that!” is in order. But if I showed up 15 minutes late for a meeting and people were sitting around having their time wasted, then “thank you for waiting!” would be pretty obnoxious and the right thing to do is apologize.

        Reply ↓
  5. Heidi*

    For Letter 3, I’m not sure that there is any major downside to thanking the company for throwing a good party (who doesn’t like praise?), but I think it might do more good to write positive reviews for the caterer, the bands, or the company that hires out the casino staff. It sounds like they’re the ones who made the party special, and good word of mouth could help them get more work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Artemesia*

      My boss used to throw really lovely holiday parties at her home with magnificant catering — people loved her parties. I usually sent a quick note of appreciation. BUT I was the employee; it would be weird and out of place for my spouse to do so.

      Most business parties are impersonal and don’t really require thanks — but when they are more personal e.g. in the boss’s home or exceptional — it doesn’t hurt.

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    2. learnedthehardway*

      I would lean hard into the employee alone being responsible for expressions of thanks for corporate events.

      A) it’s emotional labour and feeds into “women do the social stuff” issues to write thank you notes when you’re the female member of a couple, whose male counterpart is the actual employee. I can’t imagine it even occurring to my husband, for example, to have sent a thank you when I was an employee – and when you think about it, it would have been thought odd for him to have done so. I think the OP is falling into the gender trap of women being default social coordinators.

      B) When I have thanked people for business events they planned / hosted, it’s somewhat different than sending a thank you to a friend. My latest note said thanks to the president of the company for hosting, thanked the people who actually did the planning, and mentioned how great it was to see everyone. This was for a reunion for a company I used to work at. There were some political and business networking aspects to the thank you, that my spouse wouldn’t have known about.

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    3. TeaCoziesRUs*

      I like your idea to leave positive reviews for any of the folks the company used! I understand Alison’s advice, but I love an opportunity to shout out excellent service. This could scratch the itch while remaining professional.

      Reply ↓
    4. Frosty*

      I like this recommendation. Small/local businesses really benefit from positive reviews and it sounds like it’s the staff from other companies that really made this event excellent.

      Reply ↓
  6. HonorBox*

    I had a teacher back in high school who would tell students (when the situation warranted) that she’d rather see a change in action than a verbal apology, because really being sorry means you’re making a change to behavior. So I can totally be on board with the employee thanking a supervisor for feedback. As long as it is implemented, then you know he’s processing correctly. I do think it is worth keeping an eye on inter-office dynamics, though. How is he with colleagues? Is he making similar mistakes that are costing them time?

    And with all of that said, I do think it is nice to hear, “I’m sorry that you had to go to extra time to fix my mistake.”

    Reply ↓
  7. Luna*

    Work mistakes definitely need to be addressed and corrected but an apology is not in order. Apologies are for bad personal behavior or personally offending someone.

    Reply ↓
    1. Saturday*

      I think apologies have a place at work too. If I cause someone extra work, I’ll say I’m sorry for the extra work. If I’m late, I’ll say I’m sorry I kept you waiting. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but I think it’s a kind response that doesn’t need to be avoided. I find “thank you for waiting” instead of “sorry I’m late” kind of annoying.

      Reply ↓
  8. Sihaya*

    Saying “Thank you,” instead of apologizing is actually a pretty old strategy to self-correct for the tendency to over-apologize.

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      But in this situation, it’s not a personal affront/offense/faut pas. It’s a mistake in work.

      I would say that acknowledging the mistake and improving performance next time are the real things the OP should want to see from their employee.

      OP, if the employee is not improving their performance, then it’s time to have a different conversation of a developmental variety – along the lines of pointing out that there’s a pattern of issues, and what you need the person to do to improve their performance. Even then, an apology is not required – the person is not doing this “at” you, or to inconvenience you or to offend you. As long as they take the constructive criticism and incorporate it so their performance improves – that is the important thing.

      Reply ↓
    2. Coffee Protein Drink*

      That’s an interesting take that I hadn’t thought of. I don’t see issues with accountability. Thanking someone isn’t shifting any responsibility. If the error isn’t corrected, then that needs to be addressed in a different conversation.

      Reply ↓
  10. Honeybadger*

    For #4 – I agree with Alison that the spouse has no standing for complimenting anyone involved in that party. However, I do think the employee passing on praise and thanks to the committee that planned the party is acceptable and a very good thing to do. Those events are not easy to do and frequently, they are done by a committee of employees who put together all of the details and communicate it out to the appropriate people to do their thing and they are doing it on top of their regular job functions. Even if it’s all managed by a corporate events team, acknowledging their efforts and how well it went is a nice thing to do. But it’s for the employee to do and maybe, just maybe, this guy could learn to be one of those people who thanks others for doing these thankless tasks. We are all quick to complain when things aren’t up to snuff but how often do we take time to thank and acknowledge the people who do it when it goes very right?

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    1. Hyaline*

      I had the same thought and came here to say this. No, you don’t have to thank *the company* for the party–but the people who planned the party often do so with a lot of added stress and very little recognition or appreciation. If the employee is able, thanking them personally or passing along “my spouse and I very much enjoyed the event, especially [insert the thoughtful touches that made it so great], thanks for all your work” would be a very positive thing to do.

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  11. OneAngryAvacado*

    #1 – the one time I’d say different would be if a mistake at work leads to disadvantaging/impacting someone else, but if that’s not the case then as a recovering chronic overapologiser, I definitely think this guy has the right mindset!

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  12. DE*

    Language games like this are silly and OP is wasting his or her time playing them. There’s little practical difference between thanking someone for correcting an error and apologizing for the mistake in the first place. He’s not intending to make the errors and the important part is that they get corrected.

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  13. Strive to Excel*

    Re: apologizing for mistakes. I wonder if it was the lack of specific apology language that’s bugging OP? Or is it a lack of taking ownership for the work? If the errors are being caught at the appropriate error-checking stage, well, that’s what’s QC is for and a “thanks for catching that!” is the appropriate response. But if the manager is having to do a lot of extra error checking or the employee is consistently making the same avoidable error, then “thank you for catching that. I have put the following steps in place to prevent it from happening again” is eventually called for.

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  14. Ama*

    Letter 2 took me back to the time I discovered my new boss of about six months had my email address wrong – this was at a university at a time when you had to ask for an alias to get your actual name in your email, and a student with my same name had already taken “first.Last”. But new boss never asked, and because someone else DID have my email they didn’t bounce (and I guess the student never bothered to tell my boss she was reaching the wrong person). Plus it only happened when Boss started the email chain – often I did or someone else in the office (who all used my correct email) did.

    Even after we sorted out that it was her mistake I never did overcome her thinking I selectively ignored her even though I never did if I actually received the email. Thankfully I only worked for her for about a year before I was able to transfer elsewhere in the company.

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  15. Beany*

    LW1: I don’t think an explicit apology is necessary, assuming his mistakes didn’t make a lot of trouble for you or others, AND assuming he was still acknowledging that they *were* mistakes. If he’s not in denial or deflecting blame elsewhere, I think he’s doing OK here.

    Reply ↓
  16. Beboots*

    For #2 – I always try to approach things like this with taking their comments at face value, assuming the most charitable possible interpretation even if I, in my heart of hearts, am assuming that they aren’t being genuine. I’d rather outwardly be assuming the best of people – and as Allison says, it can catch folks in a lie.

    On the specific note of emails not going through – it’s entirely possible that it’s true, because it’s happened to me twice in the last three weeks. 1) One person misspelled my last name, another swapped around two similar looking letters in the second half of the email address (our acronym soup organization’s email address), and a third sent it to the wrong person with the same first name and initial as me, and only found out when that other person forwarded her message to me, and 2) Emails from a manager of another department I’d previously had a conflict with genuinely were getting shunted to junk mail, even though it was an email address internal to the organization. It looks like it was because she was sending them from her work cell without a subject line, so something in our system pinged it as looking suspicious. A quick IT ticket and it resolved things! But that manager could have just as easily assumed I was not responding to her because of the previous awkwardness and was setting a boundary/not prioritizing her requests. Instead, I just wasn’t seeing them!

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  18. Georgina Sands*

    I actively train my (female, as am I) employees not to apologise unless they’ve put someone out or hurt someone or something. If it’s just you didn’t know something or you’re still learning or calibrating, which I think accounts for most mistakes at work and certainly most of theirs, why apologise? Doing it better next time is the important thing!

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    1. Pita Chips*

      I gave an employee an article about how to self-correct when you ae a chronic apologizer. She thanked me for it and it was a big boost to her confidence in general.

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  19. Busy Middle Manager*

    As per the non-received email, have you checked Outlook’s Focused vs. Non-Focused tabs? We had a sudden bout of “didn’t receive that email” maybe two years or so ago and then realized Outlook added a feature where you inbox got divided into two parts; many of the important emails ironically got filtered out of the default “focused” tab so people didn’t see them. And even after we realized what the problem was, people continued to miss “non-focused” emails because important ones would go into that folder while loads of unimportant stuff would appear in “focused.” Was pretty weird when a random email or two from my coworker went into unfocused and I didn’t see it right away

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  20. Lexi Vipond*

    Am I the only person to find 1 intensely weird – obviously no one should be grovelling or kind of publicly dismantling themselves, but if you only half read your boss’s email or whatever, isn’t saying ‘sorry, I’ve only just noticed that you asked for B as well, I’ll do that now’ or ‘oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you’d asked for that’ just common courtesy from anyone? (Or ordinary social lubricant, depending on how you want to look at it.)

    (If not, this definitely seems like one of the situations in which we would be better off if everyone behaved like women, rather than expecting everyone to swan through life pretending they’re perfect and never inconvenience anyone else.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Dinwar*

      I think it’s cultural. Not “The employee is from a different nation”, but the reality is that different regions and even different groups handle things differently.

      Apologies treat errors like a moral failing. A thank you treats it as an opportunity for improvement. As long as the employee’s work actually backs it up, I’d rather work with folks who have the second attitude.

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      1. Coffee Protein Drink*

        A thank you treats it as an opportunity for improvement.

        Bingo.

        It also saves time because it cuts down on or eliminates recriminations,

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      2. Lexi Vipond*

        If I half-arsed reading an email (just one example, I’m not saying that’s what the original person did) and did something daft because of it, it’s not a MORAL failing, but it’s still my failure. People can apologise for things that aren’t deeply moral!

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      3. Saturday*

        I really don’t see how an apology treats an error as a moral failing. I mean, if I accidentally bump into you, I’m going to say sorry, but I don’t think either one of us is going to think I failed to act morally (I might argue the moral failure was not apologizing).

        A thank you does treat things as an opportunity for improvement, but an apology acknowledges the error, and I just don’t think so much meaning and weight has to be attached to the word “sorry.”

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        1. Dinwar*

          “…and I just don’t think….”

          The question isn’t how YOU interpret it, though. The question is how THE EMPLOYEE interprets it.

          Secondly, haven’t you ever read the articles about how constantly apologizing undermines credibility? Being conditioned to constantly apologize is one of the ways certain groups (particularly but not only women) have been conditioned to limit themselves in the work world. Given that this has been discussed before on this blog, I’m rather surprised that this isn’t being discussed more.

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          1. Saturday*

            Yes, I have read about the dangers of over-apologizing, but people took from that the idea that women should avoid apologizing at all costs, and I think that’s the wrong approach.

            If someone has been inconvenienced by me, I think that’s a reasonable time to apologize. That in no way results in “constant apologizing.”

            I think not apologizing when appropriate limits oneself in the work world too, and trying to deflect things with a “thank you” often just doesn’t work.

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            1. allathian*

              “Thanks for waiting for me” doesn’t work when the person who says that is always late to a meeting. That said, I’m in Finland where being on time is generally considered to be a virtue and people who are incapable of being on time, regardless of the reason, are generally hurt professionally by it. Time blindness isn’t considered an excuse here. Apologizing for being late is normal here because always being late is often seen as a moral failing.

              One of my absolute dealbreakers for close friendships is the ability to be on time. I no longer attach a moral value to timeliness, it’s just that I can’t imagine any friendship being worth the frustration of always having to wait for the time blind person. If that’s ableist, I can live with that. I can deal with time blind people in my larger friend group, but I’m unlikely to want to schedule stuff with them 1:1 and if I invite them to my events, I’ll let them know in advance that I won’t delay dinner for them, etc. Thankfully the one time blind person in my main friend group is very understanding about this, and now they’re actually embarrassed if someone else in our friend group postpones stuff for their sake.

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    2. Hroethvitnir*

      No, I’m with you. For *actual* chronic over-apologisers, yeah switching to “thank you” can work, and don’t grovel.

      But “sorry” without any tone of subservience is… the standard way to acknowledge an error in most English speaking cultures. The frequency varies, but I’ve never encountered the idea apologies are only for some sort of egregious personal deficit in anyone who actually acts with basic consideration.

      If someone refused to include a light sorry, or a tone of such (because even cheerfully redirecting to the solution sounds like not acknowledging the error to me), I would not regard them well.

      This is definitely the kind of thing where recordings would be nice, haha. Because I say “sorry” then address what I will do about it every time, and it’s not the least bit making anything a big deal.

      Of course, so much of this is related to the person overall. I worked with a Russian woman whose tone *is* brusque, but she clearly makes an effort to meet us in the middle culturally. I couldn’t tell you if she apologises for things, but I think so? You would never take her to ever be submissive no matter what she said, haha. To be fair, a lot of other people find her intimidating and too overbearing, but she treated me with respect, so I trusted her to be reasonable. I just gently ribbed her if she was being excessively dictatorial (and yes, she was multiple levels above me and fine with that).

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    3. londonedit*

      Yeah, I think this has come up before, and what I learnt then was that some people – probably more so in parts of the US than in Britain – see ‘sorry’ as only for use when it’s an actual genuine total mistake on their part and they are genuinely apologising. To them, saying sorry in any other situation simply doesn’t make sense, because they haven’t actually done anything wrong, and they don’t need or want to apologise.

      Whereas in Britain, certainly, ‘sorry’ is just one of those social lubricant words. We use it to mean ‘excuse me’ (‘Sorry, can I just get past…?’), we use it to introduce speech when we know or think we might be interrupting, or changing the subject, or asking a tricky question (‘Sorry to ask, but…’) and we use it whenever we’ve done something that might have inconvenienced people (‘Sorry! Bit late! Bloody trains!’). And in a whole host of other situations. There is, after all, the joke that in Britain someone will bump into us and we’ll apologise to them. And there is some truth in that! We also know that these aren’t dire moral failings, and we’re not grovelling or accepting blame or anything like that, but ‘sorry’ is one of those words that, in our culture, help to smooth things along.

      I think saying ‘thank you’ instead only really works (again, in my culture) with something like lateness, but you’d still probably chuck a ‘sorry’ in there for good measure. ‘Oh, thanks so much for waiting! Bloody trains were a nightmare, sorry, I’ve kept you waiting ages…’. That’s also probably more effusive than would be palatable to American ears, but again, that’s how we work. You do the whole self-deprecating ‘Bloody hell, what a nightmare, so sorry’ bit and everyone has a chuckle and says ‘God yes I know, I had a terrible journey yesterday’, and the wheels are in motion and on you go with the meeting or whatever.

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  21. Dinwar*

    What value, to me as a manager or to the company, is an apology? Seriously–what value does it offer?

    As a manager I don’t care if the person thanks me or apologizes or ritually sacrifices a chicken to atone for the error; what I want to see is improvement. Everyone’s going to make mistakes, and if you’re moving into a new role mistakes are inevitable. The question is, are you learning from them? Are you repeating the same mistake more than is reasonable? (I figure it’ll take a few times to understand what’s going on, and more complex things take more time.)

    Further, what’s the cause for the mistake? Is it laziness? Is it a skill mismatch? For example, I’m great at applying complex ideas and turning huge amounts of data into action items, but I’m objectively HORRIBLE at editing my own writing, so if you ask me to write it’s not going to be perfect. Is it that you’re missing critical information or facilities? Is it a lack of understanding? All of these have different solutions, and some of them have nothing to do with the employee, they’re systemic issues that I need to deal with (or run up the chain to someone who can).

    On an unrelated note, I want to verify that our quality control system is working. NO ONE can be 100% perfect (the concept isn’t even applicable in many cases), and any company needs a way to identify errors. If that system is working and the employee is actively trying to improve, congratulations! You’re doing it right! Nothing for anyone to apologize for; a system working as intended is not something that requires an apology, by definition. If errors are slipping through the QA/QC process, that’s the issue–but the issue isn’t with the employee making the errors, it’s with your review process. Which your employee almost certainly has no say over.

    The absolute worst thing you can do is expect performative apologies. These merely teach your employees that you do not respect them, and to hide their errors.

    This came up at work, not about apologies, but about texts. A former boss (now colleague) would send me texts saying “Do X, Y, and Z.” Normal stuff for my line of work. So I’d do them, and in my daily update email I’d call out that I did X, Y, and Z, or that I couldn’t because of [insert reason here]. My boss called to confirm that I was getting his texts since I rarely responded directly to them, and I explained my thought process (doing the work was more important than saying I’d do it, we’re both busy and this saves time). He appreciated the thinking behind it, and we worked really well together for years.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pescadero*

      I’d say the same value as folks saying “good morning” and water cooler small talk – it’s social lubricant that humanizes your co-workers.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dinwar*

        I disagree. Saying “Good morning” and engaging in small talk doesn’t imply moral failure the way an apology does. Plus, small talk allows you to gauge levels of stress and to make amends for social faux pas. It can also identify a number of business issues, because the most logical thing for folks to talk about (the most logical point of similarity) is work. An apology doesn’t do any of that.

        I would also argue that thanking the manager for pointing out the error fills the role of social lubricant. It’s not like the employee is ignoring the issue. And the employee isn’t treating the incident as an attack, something that’s really common for folks receiving criticism. The only real difference I can see is that a thank you paints it as a positive (or at least potentially positive) event, while an apology is necessarily inherently negative.

        There’s also the question of whether this event NEEDS social lubricant. Some things don’t. The goal of communicating about the error is to fix the error; the goal of any response on the part of the employee is either 1) to show that they are fixing the error, or 2) show how this isn’t an error (not necessarily a bad thing–I had a conversation that went this direction last night). As far as I’m concerned, fixing the error is a self-lubricating social incident. Other people view things differently–it’s a cultural thing–and it’s a matter of knowing which way works for your specific relationship.

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        1. Hroethvitnir*

          Bud, I don’t know how common viewing an apology as indicating moral failure (??) is – certainly n = ≥2 here – but I really, really don’t think that’s a common view across the highly variable EFL cultures.

          I could be wrong! But I’m vibing this being in line with the over-representation of people who object to the slightest social niceites in this comments section.

          And no, this is not just a NT thing. This is a functioning in society thing, that we all have to learn with varying degrees of natural aptitude.

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          1. Beany*

            I think n >= 1 on the “moral failure” interpretation here — both comments that brought it up are by the same person.

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            1. Dinwar*

              Maybe I’m not using the best term here.

              An apology places the emphasis on the correction, and on the person’s failure. This is particularly true of everyone I’ve known who’s demanded an apology–they weren’t interested in getting the problem fixed, they were interested in humiliating me, personally and (where applicable) professionally, for daring to commit an error. And while there’s admittedly a chance that this is purely a statistical fluke, there’s some logic behind it. Demanding or expecting an apology, again, places the focus on the person who committed the error; fixing the problem isn’t the priority.

              Thanking someone for pointing out the error places the emphasis on the effort to fix that error, and shifts focus away from a personal failure to a productive action. Fixing the problem becomes the priority. It’s treated as not personal, as a normal part of doing business (which it is).

              There’s also the issue of perception. It’s been noted and demonstrated that people conditioned to constantly apologize are perceived as weaker, with demonstrable detriments to their career paths. This is one way the glass ceiling is maintained. Primarily this is seen with women, but it applies to a variety of marginalized and/or underprivileged groups. I find it frankly quite baffling that people are ignoring this aspect of the equation.

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              1. Happy meal with extra happy*

                I think your experience (people demanding apologies to humiliate you) is coloring your opinions. It’s awful that you experienced that, but I don’t think it’s that common and isn’t how many people see apologies. Also, you keep bringing up over apologizing, but that’s not what’s happening here. I said it elsewhere above, but just because apologies can be overused and detrimental, it doesn’t mean that they inherently are.

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              2. Lizard the Second*

                I agree with Happy meal with extra happy. I’m sorry you’ve had such bad experience with people demanding apologies from you. But that’s very different from what I’ve encountered in my workplaces.

                I’ve always appreciated apologies from people as a positive social sign that they take responsibility for their errors, and don’t try to sweep them under the rug or foist them on other people. It’s a signal that they’re reasonable people to work with.

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        2. Pescadero*

          Apologies don’t indicate moral failure, they are merely a voluntary expression of regret or remorse for actions.

          I can be regretful/remorseful for actions which aren’t moral/ethical failures. I can be regretful for actions that don’t even have a moral component.

          Apologies are not an admission of intent, they are a recognition of effect.

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        4. Happy meal with extra happy*

          See, depending on the error, I think there’s a third goal you’ve missed – confirming that you’re aware that you made an error and that you’re conscious of the consequences of that error. And in those situations, I think an apology functions better than a thank you.

          (Please note I intend my first clause, “depending on the error”, to be doing a significant amount of work. This doesn’t apply in every case.)

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          1. Dinwar*

            Why?

            Please note that in my initial comment (a part that seems to be ignored in subsequent discussion) I pointed out that I want to see concrete action over and above ANY words. Apologies are cheap; I can apologize all day (grew up Roman Catholic, believe me, I can apologize as much as you want me to). If you apologize–or thank me, or whatever–but do not fix the problem, you’ve demonstrated that you don’t understand that this is an actual problem.

            It’s a trite observation, but none the less true, that some parts of the country condition people from a young age to apologize as a reflex. For folks from those regions an apology means nothing more than a sneeze. Half of us don’t even realize that we’re doing it; it’s so common and instinctive (well, ingrained, humans have like three actual instincts) that it quite literally does not register in our consciousness that we’ve said “I’m sorry”. Once you’ve caught yourself in that habit, the notion that an apology carries actual weight becomes untenable.

            A “Thank you for pointing this out”, on the other hand, violates that social norm–you notice it–and thus at least suggests that the person isn’t reacting with Pavlovian conditioning. There’s a higher chance they actually are thinking about their response.

            But again, that’s all dependent on the specific subculture you’re in, and none of it matters all that much anyway. Ultimately, as a manager, my job is to ensure you take proper action. If your words don’t match your actions, all they are is a polite way of blowing me off.

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  22. Someone Online*

    I think it’s interesting how many people see an apology as prostrating yourself on the floor begging for mercy. I don’t fall over myself, but an “Oops, sorry, let me do that” is a social lubricant. “Thank you for letting me know” can be weirdly stilted and sometimes just has the wrong context.

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    1. Someone Online*

      Not context, connotation. Oops.

      See, that is a light acknowledgement of error. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.

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    2. Saturday*

      I’m with you. I think this “never say sorry” approach is really odd. If you inconvenience someone, cause them extra work, goof something up, just say sorry. Not a big deal. And I agree about the stilted nature of apology workarounds.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. A written apology or an apology stated in a neutral tone rather than in a tone that implies you’re apologizing for simply existing is not wrong. That said, the most important thing regardless of the framing is the acknowledgement that you need to do something differently next time. The person who apologizes but continues to make the same errors over and over isn’t accepting responsibility for their errors. Apologies are worse than useless unless they’re followed by a genuine commitment to do better in future.

        That said, if it’s a new employee who’s making mistakes because they haven’t been trained properly, it’s not the same thing. Overapologizing for things that are at most minor inconveniences is also unnecessary. The crucial point here is to recognize the likely inconvenience your goof caused the other person and to match your apology/thanks to that.

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  23. MotherofaPickle*

    For #3. Did anyone else notice that the Young Newbie is making “major mistakes” on projects with a “tight turnaround” and yet manager wants an apology when pointing out those mistakes?

    Has this person received adequate training for said projects? Do they have enough time to complete them without the mistakes? Why expect an apology when this employee seems to be having difficulty completing the task?

    Or am I reading too much into it?

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  24. SorryCharlie*

    I would find it odd not to hear quick informal apologies for mistakes – oops, sorry, my bad! – as an acknowledgement of a mistake. In fact, at many places I’ve worked, the ability to recognize and apologize for mistakes has been seen as a sign of professionalism.

    I realized I accidentally provided incorrect information about a minor item at a meeting last week. I sent an oops, sorry, happy to tell folks about the mistake email to the facilitator today when I realized.

    Reply ↓

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