update: can I bring a friend-with-benefits back to my hotel on a work trip?

by Alison Green on December 5, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer wondering whether she could bring a friend-with-benefits back to her hotel on a work trip? Here’s the update.

My friend and I did connect during the first night of the conference. The rest of my team unpacked and went to an unofficial happy hour, and I told them I was grabbing dinner with a friend (with full support/approval from my manager). She and I ate, went back to the hotel (where all my coworkers except me were in adjacent rooms, by some miracle), and then she left around 10 pm. I got a full night’s sleep and was focused for the rest of the conference! I spent all the following evenings either wandering around the city alone or having dinner with coworkers.

I mentioned this in a comment on my initial letter, but I’ll say it again: My friend and I are lesbians, which may have been an important bit of context for people worried about discretion/plausible deniability. For better or for worse, I think that when most people see two relatively femme women getting dinner and heading to hang out privately, they’re more likely to assume platonic intentions than, for instance, if they saw a man and a woman doing the same. I am out at work, but heteronormativity is strong and I doubt that any of my colleagues would’ve batted an eye if we had run into them.

Thanks to Alison and all the commenters who gave me tips on workplace norms around evening obligations at conferences. This one didn’t have much going on after 5 pm, even unofficially, but knowing that there could be evening events helped me set my expectations better for the time I was there.

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{ 16 comments }

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  3. boof*

    This is the way; honestly even if it were a similar heterosexual situation I would hope no one would bat an eye / mind their own business / not assume a bunch of stuff that doesn’t actually matter anyway

    1. 1-800-BrownCow*

      The hope is great. But as a married heterosexual woman working in a male dominant environment; people bat their eyes / don’t mind their own business / make assumptions and spread rumors. I cannot even have a work lunch alone with a male colleague without comments being made. It doesn’t stop me from going, but unfortunately has prevented a few opportunities for connections being made with male managers. I get to watch from the sidelines as my male colleagues have lunches or golf outings, etc. with male management and I don’t get those same opportunities because there’s always that one person who makes the wrong assumption and I’m the one who has to pay for it.

      2. boof*

        yep – but I’d like to keep up the good fight of saying “hey, maybe can we not / why / stahp plz?”

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      People do bat eyes, mind others’ business, assume stuff, and believe it matters. (For the last, an example I recall from comments was that “This is Grace, an old friend” is going to land better than “This is a new hot person I just met at the bar, who told me they would love to see the secret files. In a sexy post-coital way, not a corporate espionage way.”)

      And people are much more likely to assume that whatever you are doing is fine when you are a known quantity–for your first trip with a new boss and new coworkers, you are making a first impressions and should be conscious of that.

      1. Smithy*

        For better or worse, I do think this is one of those things where the more time you’ve spent with coworkers or attending a certain conference – you’re in a better position to figure it out.

        I’ve been at conferences where most of us were spread across different hotels and all evening activity was over by 7pm. And then conferences where you’re sharing walls with your colleagues and official conference socializing activities end between 11pm and midnight. That one in particular, it was in a hotel where the a/c was not doing very much so everyone was sleeping with their windows open as well.

        That being said, I do think that any time you can arrive a day early or leave a day late – that is best for any of that kind of personal stuff that you want to keep somewhat discrete from your coworkers.

  6. Jinni*

    I have a really good (lesbian) friend my age (mid 50s) who is also recently single and we’ve talked about this. This is the first time she says heteronormativity has worked in her favor. She’s a professor who goes to many conferences and newly single gets to have some flings without anyone guessing/thinking anything of her spending time with women. My (hetero) experience has been the exact opposite. I have to have CIA-level discretion.

    1. Chirpy*

      Yeah, I’ve had people give me odd looks when I was out to dinner with my dad. And I was once lectured about “appearances” by a boss while hanging out with a male coworker/ very platonic friend…and I’m pretty sure none of my male coworkers got that talk. (after hours, but we lived in company housing.) Heteronormativity sure is something.

      1. Not Australian*

        Argh, I was once in the position of having someone believe I was my dad’s illicit (much) younger partner and believe me that was really creepy!

  7. ABW*

    That’s good to know! Different conferences are different, so now that you know conferences in your field tend to leave you free in the evenings, you don’t have to worry about people monitoring your after-work time. My conferences have been much the same, and I’m glad I get to use my hotel room as I please.

  8. Not gay as in happy*

    Sometimes, just sometimes, the heteronormativity works in our favour. (And it’s ever so much fun!)

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