update: my coworker’s obsession with coffee is an all-day distraction

by Alison Green on December 17, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker’s obsession with coffee was an all-day distraction? Here’s the update.

I loved reading your advice and feedback. I sent the email after a day or two that was particularly filled with Bill’s coffee talk on a couple of very stressful morning. It was great knowing I was not alone. A few readers pointed out, I probably used some hyperbole. It is more coffee talk than is warranted but most days are not the multiple hour diatribes. (To some extent, Bill does have quite a few hobbies and interests that I get to hear more than my share about so they add up along with his work chat.) Here are a few updates and things I did to help cope.

1.) Bill is still being Bill. He does have a new boss. His old manager is in another position. It seems quieter now so I’m not sure if his new boss has had some talks about his general time management issues or if he is trying to make a better impression.
2.) An office right next door to mine came open. It puts me one door down so it mutes some of the coffee talk, but I still get to be close to my team. That was a huge help.
3.) I did go ahead and opt to keep my air pods in my office both for after work (de-stressing) workouts and distractions.
4.) Last one is probably not the fun update, but I left out that I had a traumatic experience the year before that had amped up my anxiety at work. (Natural disaster related) I took some time off to finally deal with it over a year after the incident. I learned a lot of coping strategies and have even found a mindfulness meditation podcast that I sometimes close the door to do a mediation when I’m feeling irritable.

In a moment of profound growth, I even complimented one of the new coffees last week and told him how good it smelled. For now, I’m not going to let it break my peace of mind and I’ll learn to let little things go whether its hearing about the coffee, the importance of Star Wars: the Clone Wars lore, random facts about obscure Holidays, or Premier League Football. He is very good at certain types of mundane tedious work that most of us hate. He’s just got a lot of chronic insecurity that is a roadblock for him. I’ll have the talk with his manager if it becomes an issue as it pertains to my team’s work.

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{ 28 comments }

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    I’m glad things are better for you OP.

    Ooof yeah, other stressors can cause things that might just be an eye roll at another time to be come A Thing.

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    1. Clearance Issues*

      I feel that other stressor thing too, I almost snapped at a guy having a work related call at his desk because he was SO LOUD…

      Kept it to myself and realized it was because I had to bail out a team member multiple times and I’d become overloaded. Not my co-worker’s fault even if he is loud.

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  2. Dawn*

    I honestly feel kind of bad Bill here, because, well. For whatever reason, it seems like Bill is the kind of person who doesn’t find socializing and small talk easy (I know it doesn’t seem like it, but trust me here,) and is really thrilled to have found a positive way to connect to his colleagues. I can definitely say that from the earlier parts of my life, I personally know what this is like, and from the later parts of it, I’ve definitely observed it time and again in others.

    The problem is mostly that he’s so excited about this that he hasn’t learned how to…. turn it down a couple notches.

    But I can pretty much promise that it’s not malicious; Bill just hasn’t made the connection yet between his exciting new work social life where people actually seem to enjoy talking to him, and his seeming lack of time to get his work done. Hopefully, someone is connecting those dots for him; it can be a hard realization to bridge on your own.

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    1. GrumpyPenguin*

      Bill sounds a lot like me when I was younger and new to the workforce. I’m naturally an extremely introverted and shy person and also bad at reading social clues, so I have to force myself into conversations. I used to mistake polite superficial smalltalk for a genuine interest in me as a person which resulted in massive overshearing and nonstop blabbering. I must have been a real pain to talk to. I didn’t realize it until some people told me explicitely to stop talking so much. For some people subtile hints won’t work, you nedd to adress the problem directly.

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    2. Person from the Resume*

      I knew someone like Bill. She was an extrovert and socializer/talker and although actually very good at her job (but she had to stay a lot late because she socialized instead of working throughout the the day).

      Her problem was not that she didn’t “find socializing and small talk easy.” She found it far too easy.

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      1. Dawn*

        She “socialized” or she infodumped about special interest topics to people who seemed interested?

        The two are actually very, very different things.

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        2. GrumpyPenguin*

          Infodumping is a great word for it. If Bill ever meets another likeminded person, they will send each other in an endless loop of infodumping without being able to leave until the next morning. Happened to me several times at parties.

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        3. Bromaa*

          I think it’s a mistake to try and armchair diagnose people online, or even just assume they’re infodumping. Some people are boors and talk you into the ground no matter what you do, in ways that have everything to do with being Extremely Obnoxious and nothing to do with neurodivergence!

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          1. GrumpyPenguin*

            It didn’t sound to me that “infodumping” is something only neurodivergent people do, it’s just a good word for the phenomenon.

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          2. GrumpyPenguin*

            It doesn’t have to be a sign of neurodivergence, some people just don’t know when to stop talking if you don’t interrupt them.

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          3. Dawn*

            I very explicitly said it was not an attempt to diagnose.

            Very explicitly. Precisely to short-circuit this kind of response.

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      2. ferrina*

        Yep, I know plenty of people who are a little like this. They just enjoy chatting with people, they are enjoyable to talk to, and a lot of people like to drop in. It adds up after a while. I’ve actually heard people ask for tips on how to shut down conversations politely.

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  3. CTT*

    I’m dying to know what Bill’s Premier League team is! Hoping it’s not Manchester City or Arsenal because his chatter has probably turned toward bitter diatribe recently (I say this as an Arsenal fan).

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  4. Sloanicota*

    I am *still* learning, every day, how seemingly unrelated stressors make me more irritable or less resilient in the face of work frustrations – and at the end of the day, solving the *work problem* is not going to bring me the satisfaction I think it will. Someone on Captain Awkward used the phrase “load bearing wall of anxiety” (I think that was it) and that really resonated for me. If that specific thing was gone, I’d probably just invent something else to hold up that wall.

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    1. Wendy Darling*

      Yeah I am in general more sensitive to certain sounds than average and the more stressed I am in general, the less I can handle noise. In general I’m terrible at knowing how stressed I am, but I’ve learned to look out for specific warning signs, and one of them is “do talkative people where I can hear them make me ABSOLUTELY ENRAGED?”

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      1. Lana Kane*

        I am very much like this. Once I’m stressed, noise just wakes the beast. Being a parent has really forced me to deal with that because it’s not fair to my kid when I snap just because he doesn’t know he really should be shutting his trap lol

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  5. Madame Desmortes*

    Sounds like you’re approaching this with good sense and good will, OP. I hope things continue to improve!

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  7. Goldenrod*

    I love this update because it is a really great example of “you can’t change others but you can change yourself.”

    Bill is always going to be Bill. But you figured out how to change the things you could change. Well done!!

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  8. Some Internet Rando*

    My husband is obsessed with coffee and premier league football so I know your pain. Fortunately he is a great partner and wonderful in many ways. :)

    Reply ↓

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