updates: boss hired his emotionally unstable son, non-urgent texts in off-hours, and more

by Alison Green on December 10, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Our boss hired his emotionally unstable son to work with us

First off, thanks so much for answering my question and publishing it for others to chime in on. Reading the input from you and the commenters made me feel much better about my difficult position, and what I should expect from myself and others.

Phil still works in the lab, still under his dad. Since writing my letter there haven’t been any major repercussions, but also no major outbursts, luckily. I don’t think anybody ever explicitly brought up the issue to Cyrus. Phil has been doing OK work but still gets away with things that he probably couldn’t if he wasn’t the boss’ son. He sleeps in his office while “attending webinars.” He was also taking days off when he had no available PTO, but Ezra found an ally in Phil’s de jure manager who helped curb some of that.

I’m pretty sure that nothing further will be done to try to rectify Phil’s behavior or Cyrus’ transgression in hiring him, because everyone in the lab is leaving or planning to leave! Ezra found another job and Edward is leaving to focus on med school applications. Sam will be on paternity leave in December and told me he’ll be searching for a new position while he’s off.

As for me, I was encouraged by the comments assuring me it was time to go. I came across a really interesting position, read every AAM post about applying/interviewing, and got the job. It’s still in academic research so the raise is modest, but it’s in a really impactful field I have been interested in since high school but never had the chance to pursue. Also, for the first time in my STEM career, I’ll be able to work with other women of color, which I’m really excited for. I start this coming Monday, wish me luck!

That’s every single full-time employee in the lab (besides Phil) with one or both feet out the door. I’ve heard rumors through the grapevine of the lab shutting down entirely. I think there are alarm bells ringing in admin – my grand-boss, whom I never met in my ~3 years working there, asked to arrange a call with me. She also asked Ezra for an exit interview. As far as I know, before this she’s never asked to talk to any of the employees that resigned from our lab. Since it’s after my official last day I wasn’t obligated to but I agreed to do it, maybe against my better judgement. Out of a self-interested desire to move on smoothly, my strategy is to not bring up anything controversial if not directly asked about it. I have no idea if my grand-boss even knows that Cyrus hired his son.

This whole situation was a dose of reality for me and a lesson that sometimes, the best solution for yourself is to just move on. It was tough to become disillusioned about my ‘dream job’, but this situation may end up being the catalyst for significant development in my career. I really loved my coworkers and I wish them well in all their new endeavors. Despite everything, I also wish Cyrus and Phil the best in fixing the issues they have going on, and hope I’m not the only one who has learned a lesson from all this.

Former lowly research assistant and now shiny new research engineer, signing off :) thanks everyone!

2. New chair sends non-urgent texts in my off hours (#3 at the link)

Midwesterner that I am, I am unable to be overly direct when I have a conflict with someone. The magic answer was to respond to these text messages asking, “Oh, did you need me to deal with that right now?” It’s indirect, but the message should be clear to most reasonable people: “Why are texting me about this on the weekend?” These texts largely disappeared, but her life also got busy when she had a baby, so correlation or causation?

3. Do I have to refuse to use first names because my manager won’t?

I don’t have a dramatic update, but basically I resolved to respect people’s wishes, even if that meant using first names in front of my supervisor. In the case of people who haven’t specified or who told me they have no preference, I use last names.

My supervisor mostly does not seem to mind; she did once refer to the phenomenon in passing, and while she didn’t sound thrilled, she also didn’t express disapproval (and I think she would if it were a problem for her; she takes a lot of pride in developing us). She has also recommended that the supervisory position I covet remain vacant until I am eligible (about 4 months from now) and frequently talks to me as though the promotion is a foregone conclusion, so she can’t be too displeased with me! Thank you so much for the advice; it gave me the courage to follow my instincts in this situation, and I think it was the right decision.

4. Pregnant coworker keeps saying awful things to my terminally ill sister (first update)

The pregnant coworker actually left that job shortly after the confrontation so we didn’t have to give her any more thought. My sister had to work until the last few weeks of her life (yay capitalism), and we are so grateful for your help in making sure she didn’t have to deal with a bully on top of everything else.

She passed away earlier this year. She spent her final months doing almost everything on her bucket list, including hosting her own funeral a few months before she died (she wanted a party, not a memorial).

She was the kindest and funniest person I have ever known and the stars are dimmer with her gone. It’s kind of special to know that sometimes when I am down an AAM rabbit hole I might bump into her.

You may also like:
{ 80 comments }

{ 80 comments… read them below }

  1. Former Lab Rat*

    For #4: Go outside tonight and look up in the sky at the stars. Your sister is now one of those lights shining down on you. The AAM community sends a hug to you and your family.

    7. PhyllisB*

      So sorry for your loss. I have two new stars shining down on me, too.
      You will have days, but there will be plenty of smiles when you remember her.

    8. LifebeforeCorona*

      #4 There are millions of stars in the universe and your sister is shining brightly among them. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

    9. A large cage of birds*

      Why did this make me tear up?

      Wishing you all the best #4. It sounds like your sister’s last days were as great as they could have been under the circumstances. <3

    10. Alpaca Bag*

      Yes! I see my parents and daughter in the sky every night (or know that they are there behind the clouds). It’s not a time for being logical, it’s a time for comfort in the belief that they are there whether I can see them or not. Your sister sounds like someone who would keep giving you a lot of comfort.

    2. GammaGirl1908*

      I remember this letter largely because someone made me giggle — unusual for such a sad and infuriating letter — by offering to whip the coworker with a lock in a sock, which instantly became one of my favorite theoretical weapons.

      LW, sending aaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll the hugs.

  3. HugeTractsofLand*

    Best of luck in your new role, OP1!

    OP4, your sister clearly made the best of her situation that she could, and her memory lives on in you. Wishing you all the best.

    2. NotAnotherManager!*

      Echoing this – she sounds like an incredible person, and I’m glad she got her going away party and didn’t have to put up with her horrible, tactless coworker’s inappropriate comments any longer. My condolences on your loss.

    2. ErgoBun*

      Same, same. OP4, your last line got me misty-eyed and wanting to go hug my own sister. I am so sorry for your loss.

    5. Chick-n-boots*

      I don’t think I’ve ever gotten quite so teary, so quickly at an AAM update. That was sad but really beautiful.

    6. Tea & Sympathy*

      Yes, same. Thank you for coming back and letting us know. I feel like I just read about the death of someone I knew and liked. So sorry for your loss.

  7. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    #1 – how often is it said here, if management won’t do something about the problem, good people will leave and the problem employee will be the only one left? Yeah, this is that in action.

    Everyone is out rather than deal with the problem child — literally. They know standing up to big boss will get them nowhere, so they just leave. Now no one but problem child is left in the lab. And big boss looking around going What Happened?

    1. Resentful Oreos*

      LW1 mentioned that the lab may shut down – looks like another stupid prize was won by management playing a stupid game. I’m sorry for the people caught up in the Cyrus and Phil drama, and glad that most are able to leave.

    2. katertot*

      Congratulations on the new job!! If I’m reading correctly, OP1, your exit interview hadn’t happened when you wrote this update— please let us know if the big boss asked about Phil! She has to, right?

      1. Nicosloant*

        I hope OP does find a way to at least indirectly raise the Phil issue. How frustrating for management to wonder why everyone’s leaving and ask directly, getting nothing but platitudes, and then find out eventually this was going on and nobody wanted to raise it!

        1. Kevin Sours*

          The fact that Phil was hired on despite the issues with him as an intern and the fact that several people apparently signed off on him being assigned to a manager he doesn’t work for to side step policy suggests deep problem’s with management that it’s really not on OP or other line employees to solve. It’s really up to management to manage and the frustrations that come with their failure to do that are really self inflicted.

    3. A Significant Tree*

      This felt like the best possible outcome for OP – new job, everyone else getting out, and management getting caught out. The fact that the grand-boss was so checked out and will now have to deal with a nearly empty lab led by someone who was also so hands-off that things deteriorated to that extent… I foresee at least one, maybe two more jobs lost.

    4. Hroethvitnir*

      Another congratulations for LW1 from another lab plebeian. Frustrating about your old lab, but unsurprising. Best of luck with your career in these uncertain times!

  9. Festively Dressed Earl*

    LW 1, congratulations on your new job! May you never again have to decide between tolerating an intolerable situation or getting the heck outta there.

    LW 4, thank you for giving us a small glimpse of your sister’s light. It sounds like the world is a better place for her having been in it. Giving you all the Jedi hugs in the world.

    1. Stephanie Tanner*

      LW4 I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. She sounds amazing and so do you. When you bump into her here, it’s my opinion that’s her using the universe to say hello and she loves you. Thank you for sharing this story (and I’m so especially sorry she had to keep working almost to the end.)

  10. Her name was Lola, she was an intern*

    OP1, congratulations on your new position!

    OP4, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. I think about that letter often, so when I do, I’ll remember your sister. Random Internet hugs to you.

  12. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

    OP4, may your sister’s memory be eternal, and may that pregnant coworker experience frequent diaper blowouts and a giggly squirmy baby that they have to clean afterwards.

    (I’m an older sister AND a younger sister, so I’ve seen how difficult it is to clean a giggly squirmy baby after the apoocalypse has struck in their onesie.)

    1. Gigi*

      This curse is Shakespearian in its eloquence. Thank you.

      OP4, thank you for sharing your beautiful sister with us. The best people affect the world, like ripples in a pond. I’m sorry for your loss.

      1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

        When you’re an aunt and a grand-aunt, you See Some Shit…literally lol. I tend to go for curses that cause minor to mid level inconveniences to folks but don’t actually cause harm, because while I do believe in cursing, I also believe in karma and I don’t need the aggravation. XD

    2. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      I wish many gifts of recorders, percussion instruments, and noisy toys with long-lasting, nigh-impossible-to-remove batteries upon that coworker’s new baby.

  13. Cheese Goddess*

    OP4, my throat caught when I realized what your update at this date would probably mean. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so grateful that you’ve shared part of the memory of your sister with all of us. May that memory continue to be a blessing for you and your family, and, as you said, one that can occasionally pleasantly surprise you on an AAM rabbit hole.

  15. A Teacher*

    Oh OP 4… I am sorry for your loss. Wasn’t expecting to tear up at work but I hope that your life is full of all the happiest of memories.

  16. Canadian Gal*

    OP4: Would you like to share some things about your sister? Some fun stories. We would love to hear more about her.

    2. EngineerRN*

      I would love some stories, too, OP4 – your sister sounded like such a funny & interesting person.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I have a lil sis, too, and she’s one of my favorite people. Losing her would be really hard.

  17. CherryBlossom*

    OP4, I am so sorry for your loss. I know feeling of losing a sister before their time, and I’m wishing you and yours peace during such a heart-breaking time. I’m glad she got to go through her bucket list, and that she had a party of a funeral. From what you’ve shared of her with us, she sounded like an awesome woman. May her memory be a blessing.

  18. Usually a lurker*

    OP 4: thank you for sharing your sister with us. May her memory be a blessing. You two, from your letters, seem like an incredible pair

  19. Bookworm*

    LW4: I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad your sister had a chance to do stuff on her bucket list. Thank you for sharing her with us.

  21. Zipperhead*

    Many, many condolences to LW4…

    Running one’s own funeral sounds like it’d be a great experience…

  24. Llellayena*

    LW4: I hope your memories of your sister remain as happy as she seems to want them to be. I’m sorry for your loss.

  25. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    anyone else crying at #4. I am so glad that she didn’t have to deal with that coworker.

  26. FunkyMunky*

    having lost my Dad earlier this year, I had a good cry to #4 update. May your sister be the shiniest star in the sky, whenever you look up!

  27. MicroManagered*

    OP4 I am so sorry for your loss. As a longtime reader/commenter on this site, your letter will forever be one that makes a lot of us go “Oh I remember this one!!”

  28. River*

    #4. May your sisters memory be eternal and you reunite with her one day. Sending you a strong virtual hug from this part of the world. Don’t forget, she’ll always be with you and a part of you. Forever.

  30. boof*

    oof OP 4, my screen just got blurry
    Your sister sounds totally awesome and I’m glad to hear she was able to accomplish a lot of the things she wanted to with the time she had left; it’s never long enough.

  31. Hroethvitnir*

    Ouch. The line about working until she died hurt my heart. I am glad your sister managed to tick off her bucket list nonetheless.

    Much love to you and the others who loved her.

  32. Cheesehead*

    OP4, Add me to those who got a little teary reading your update. I also lost my sister earlier this year, much too young, from a stupid, awful, horrible incurable disease (though not cancer). And I just have to say that I love that your sister was able to do some bucket list items and that she even hosted her own funeral! That’s absolutely awesome and I hope it left you with some wonderful memories. And I’m sorry for your loss.

  33. Jean (just Jean)*

    Beautiful sentiments expressed above by Former Lab Rat and too many others.
    OP4, best wishes in learning to live with both grief and good memories. It’s hard and it hurts. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Ack!”too many others” should have said “too many others to name.” Sorry for the clumsy wording.

  35. whatchamacallit*

    OP #4 terrible loss but reading about her hosting her own funeral gave me so much joy. What a lovely person.

  36. RCB*

    Count me amongst those crying for you, #4. My condolences, but it’s clear that you two loved each other very much and both knew it, and that’s what’s important.

Comments are closed.