updates: coworkers don’t know I’m married, tiny lunches, and more

by Alison Green on December 2, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I tell coworkers I’m married when they don’t think I am? (#2 at the link)

Your advice was indeed very helpful. I ended up telling a few coworkers I was closer to by casually mentioned my husband here and there when an opportunity naturally arose. Everyone took it in stride and didn’t seem fazed at all, like the comments said it would be. How I ended up telling my workplace at large was another story!

What happened ended up being pretty interesting. I work in public service and a customer started harassing me by repeatedly asking me out and bringing me gifts. I was growing increasingly frustrated by the situation (which was well addressed by my employer!) and vented about the customer to my coworkers.

My one coworker suggested wearing a fake ring to deter the customer and I said I didn’t need to wear a fake one — I was married for real! There was a brief moment where everyone sort of paused and then the coworker said, “Well, there you go!”

After that, I started wearing my ring to work and slowly worked my way up to mentioning my husband here and there. My husband and I are doing great and recently went on a trip to Europe.

Overall, no one was weird except me and I learned how to bite my tongue at work. I was definitely a chronic over sharer in the past. I also moved into a supervisory role recently and have been more private in general as I set some boundaries between myself and my direct reports, and I find myself enjoying the separation between my work life and private life.

Thanks for all of the advice and reassurance from you and your readers!

2. Eating tiny lunches in a group (#2 at the link)

The advice was really helpful. I also appreciated the perspective shift, as you (and readers) were correct about my coworkers simply being concerned I wasn’t eating enough, or that I hated the venue. I ended up following a combination of advice depending on the situation.

For the casual work lunches, after a few months, everyone mostly got used to it. I became known as the “light eater” and only need to endure some light ribbing about it now. I also discovered if I claimed I was “intermittent fasting,” instead of “not being hungry,” my portions were much more accepted, and were even praised as being healthy! Truly, marketing is a terrifying tool.

For the more formal work dinners and lunches, my first line of defense is to ask my neighboring coworkers if they’d like to split a huge shared meal, like a pizza. No one tends to notice when I only eat 1 or 2 slices slowly, and the rest kind of evaporates over the course of the meal. My backup strategy is to find a fancy “jumbo appetiser” that I can nibble at, like a cheese board, oysters, or salad. Since these are quite pricey and extravagant, everyone feels like I’m happier with my meal, especially since they tend to come out looking like more food than they are. You don’t tend to eat the oyster shells, for example.

Thanks again to you and your readers for the excellent advice!

3. Employee gave lots of notice, but now we have someone who could replace him (#2 at the link)

So. This took a turn … but I’ll get to that.

In terms of your advice, I went back to my boss with it and it made a huge difference. He took some time to really reflect on how the long notice periods serve him and his employees well. He went back to Lance and let him know what was going on, and that he would need to check back with him later on. Lance later got a different job, but my boss says that if Lance is looking again he knows to come back to us, and Lance has a really good impression of our company.

Gary continued working as usual, generally a good-natured hard worker while being fairly new to the employment world (in his early 20s). One day, a couple weeks before his last day, I got news that he had assaulted a coworker (Steve) on a job site by hitting him in the chest with a long pole-like tool they use as part of their work. Steve had the wind knocked out of him, and immediately called paramedics because he thought he was dying — having never had it happen before. Police also came to the site due to the nature of the injury, and Gary was arrested and taken into custody for assault with a deadly weapon. Consequently, he was let go from his position at our company.

Steve is OK! He was checked out medically and cleared to come back to work right away but my boss gave him some time off anyway. Last I knew about Gary he had moved out of state, though still has court date(s) in the future. It was all very sad, because Gary was lovely to be around and well liked, and we were all shocked that he would do that! He and Steve were arguing on site and Gary lost his temper and hit him — immediately apologizing and trying to help him. We later learned that he grew up in an environment where lots of friends and family get into fights, I guess? And this wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, as much as it was a shock to all of us.

So there’s your update! I’ll be sure to let you know if we hire Lance in the future.

4. Can I ask an employee if they need an eye exam? (#3 at the link)

I took your advice and jumped straight to showing what tools I used to a) see blurriness b) correct the issue. The zoom function is definitely our friend when looking at communications deliverables. We haven’t had a problem (with this issue) since!

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{ 14 comments }

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Hermione Danger*

    #3 Took a turn, indeed. Was not expecting that outcome. Glad Steve is okay, and sorry that Gary didn’t learn early that hitting people is NOT okay. That’s a tough thing to have following you around so early in your career.

    Reply ↓
    1. Wendy Darling*

      Yeah, I actually feel kinda bad for Gary. I mean obviously he had to be fired, but I am sad that what seems to be a basically nice person grew up in an environment that totally wrecked his normal meter like that. I hope he gets some help with that and can move past it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bitte Meddler*

        My ex was Gary Lite.

        When we first got together, I complained about some toxic stuff going on at work and he told me to get in my manager’s face and let him know just exactly how wrong he was on X.

        I was like, “Whut???”

        He told me that’s what has always worked for him when he had a jerk manager.

        At that point in his life, he had been a grunt in the Navy, a roofer, a bartender, and a window washer.

        At that point in my life, I had been a retail grunt during high school & college, and then only worked white-collar, corporate jobs after that.

        I had to explain to him how the corporate world is vaaaaastly different from a lot of the blue-collar world.

        He’d forget and every now and then interrupt my venting with yet another suggestion to bow up to somebody I worked with.

        No, Ex, just… No. We don’t do that.

        Reply ↓
      2. I should really pick a name*

        I think for most people, the normal meter (at least with regards to hitting people) gets recalibrated over the course of elementary school, high school, and post secondary studies.

        By someone’s early twenties, I don’t think one’s home environment is an excuse for hitting someone during an argument.

        Reply ↓
        1. Consonance*

          Sure, but if your school environment and neighborhood environment are also like that, then I can totally see somebody not having developed the emotional regulation skills to handle a heated situation. Seeing my own toddler’s enormous feelings and violent reactions has given me a much greater appreciation for how much of this stuff needs to be taught and learned – it doesn’t necessarily happen just by getting older. That doesn’t mean adults shouldn’t get held accountable, hence the charges that were filed, but I feel for someone who may not have the tools at his disposal to know what to do instead of pushing someone in that moment.

          Reply ↓
    2. MigraineMonth*

      Look, I believe in second chances, but *assaulting a coworker with a metal pole* a) probably should follow you around for a while, and b) puts the whole “generally a lovely guy” thing into question.

      Reply ↓
  2. desk platypus*

    #3 Woah, definitely a turn. As first I thought maybe Gary could have been goofing around and smacked Steve too hard on accident and not a very deliberate assault. Hopefully you can get Lance or someone equally qualified and that they don’t start fights.

    Reply ↓
    1. Wendy Darling*

      I am the ADHD doofus who would turn around too fast having forgotten I was holding a very long tool and accidentally clock someone, so I also wondered this, but it sounds like not the case, alas.

      Also it’s probably for the best that I don’t work with dangerous tools.

      Reply ↓
      1. Strive to Excel*

        I am also absolutely that doofus and don’t even have the ADHD to fall back on, just bad gross motor skills (I have been known to throw sports balls and have them go backwards).

        Everyone is grateful I work with computers rather than power tools!

        Reply ↓
    2. boof*

      Given the immediate apology, it’s quite possible it was a combination of “hitting people (lightly) is an acceptable expression of extreme frustration” and “oops, that was more than expected” – but definitely something that basically needs to be handled like is is, because escalating consequences about how not ok this is are the only way to handle it. After all, Gary isn’t in jail etc right now, but maybe next time the oops is an actual serious injury or worse unless they figure out how to get ahold of themselves

      Reply ↓
  3. Festively Dressed Earl*

    If LW 1 was still being harassed by the customer to the point of needing to wear a wedding ring to deter them, then the problem was not well-addressed by her employer, public service or not. Respect the word “no” regardless of a person’s marital status, or deal with the consequences. I’m definitely glad to hear that LW is happier, though.

    Reply ↓

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