updates: doing a video training from bed, I can see an X-rated scene from my office window, and more

by Alison Green on December 5, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. An employee showed up for a video training while lounging in bed and smoking

I appreciate that you took time to graciously answer my question, and I am grateful to the readers for their comments as well.

Since I am not “Wynn’s” manager, but do have some influence as a more senior person who provides training and limited supervision, I escalated my concerns to my manager, “Jim.” I did my best to be as fair as possible in my assessment since I did not know if there was an accommodation made for Wynn. Jim listened to me but did not comment on next steps beyond instructing me to let him know if I see anything else concerning. He later shared with me that Wynn is often unreliable, blaming their lateness on a variety of issues — alarm didn’t go off, car breaking down, repeated pet and family difficulties, etc. An additional major issue with Wynn rose to what I would consider a “put them on a PIP” offense and I was informed that Wynn got additional coaching from management about it. Jim seems to be at a point of frustration with Wynn over these issues and my concerns about the training session are less pressing than those.

I’m afraid I have no resolution to offer you or the readers yet. Wynn continues to arrive late at times and makes missteps in communication and job performance. However, beyond sharing my observations on the impact to our organization, I have no authority to make changes. It’s a management issue more than a “me” issue. Maybe Wynn is already on a PIP? It’s not in my job description to know and I am content with that.

My organization is looking to hire an additional manager to help with quality and ongoing training. If Wynn works with this new manager, maybe they will make the changes and growth needed. I hope that Wynn improves and can thrive at our organization. I will keep you posted.

I am very thankful to you and the wisdom you’ve shared in your blog. Your tips on resumes and cover letters helped me get the job that I am in now. It is a perfect blending of the two very different fields I have worked in and, despite the issues that prompted me to write in, I am happy in my work. You have made an impact on many people!

Yours,
“I haven’t seen a mattress recently!”

2. Can we tell clients work didn’t get done because our old manager sucked? (#4 at the link)

Firstly, I’m grateful your commenters for pointing out that I was looking for the wrong thing. I wanted accountability so much because in my previous workplace — where I am now is basically okay, the previous place was a hellscape — featured a boss who could not be trusted about anything, and I think I’m still getting over his nonsense even eight years later! (If I’d known about AAM when I was working at that place, he would have been the source of seven or eight letters on his own.)

Zephaniah is not fondly remembered except by a few clients for his “easy-going” attitude. We’ve largely repaired the damage he caused and things are under control, though this is entirely from what we did on the ground to fix things. We’ve also had a change in leadership — big boss decided to retire early and the board chose not to give demi-boss her role so he moved on as well. It’s still too early to really say what the new big boss is like but a lot of the resentment stemming from former big boss’s management style is gone. I did have one conversation with my division lead where he outright admitted that the leadership chose to manage Zephaniah out rather than actively handle his incompetence directly because “that’s how you fire people here” (it’s not). So while we never got a steer from management about what to do about Zephaniah’s legacy, at least that legacy is fading fast.

The three things that have most helped my morale are, first, I took advantage of our health plan’s therapy sessions and realized I can be more relaxed about my own situation, so I’m feeling a lot more secure now; second, I’m now shomer shabbat, and having one day a week where I make sure to disconnect from work completely has done wonders for my mental health; and third, I got onto the work DEIJ committee which under new big boss is a paid responsibility. So I have a concrete, constructive way to hold leadership accountable and improve our practices. I’m doing about the same amount of work, but I feel a lot better that my “above and beyond” goes to improve accessibility for colleagues and clients rather than doing damage control.

3. I can see someone having sex from my office window (#2 at the link)

As these things are wont to do, it worked itself out. The couple who were in that apartment moved and it has been taken over by someone who instead appears to spend literally the whole day working out, which feels like a much lower risk situation to be happening when I’m chatting with my manager!

The advice in the comments tended to be a little more … aggressive than I was hoping for. A few people suggested I go and talk to the building concierge, try and track down the apartment myself, or even call the police (?!) which felt a little extreme! I did appreciate the suggestion for stained glass window hangings to put up in strategic locations, and might track some down just for the decoration.

4. My employee never remembers to save things on our shared drive, no matter how many reminders she gets

You and the commenters were completely right — my issue wasn’t really with the shared drive. But putting everything in there first had created a lot of visibility for her work and I was finding more errors than before, I was cleaning up after her more often and was just generally disappointed with her and her work. Instead of talking to her about it though, and providing clear expectations, I got frustrated and became a bad manager. I’m not sure how much of that was coming through my letter, but I didn’t like how I was handling my frustration with her. Just being short and unkind. It wasn’t who I like to be as a manager. A bit after I wrote in, but before you published my letter. My manager came to tell me that Ashley had come to him and was complaining about me. I wish she’d come to me with it, but since I was being equally bad at communication, I can’t really blame her for that.

My manager and I talked, and we realized that I needed to fix my relationship with Ashley, first. I was never going to address the issues with her work if I couldn’t have an honest conversation with her. So I took her to coffee and we had a heart-to-heart. I apologized for how I was communicating and gave her a clear list of expectations I had for her work. She apologized for how she was hiding when she messed up, how annoyance at me was making her even worse at remembering to do things, and promised to hit her daily tasks every day or at least ask for help when something was preventing her. We both agreed to communicate better and to not leave things in chat that should be talked about face to face.

It was really good! It turns out that Ashley is the kind of person that needs extremely clear expectations. She can’t proactively see what needs to be done for the day, or what’s the best thing to prioritize. Which is fine, that’s what I’m here for, it was just so different than how the rest of my team operates, it made it hard to see I guess. I won’t say everything is perfect. Ashley does no more than what’s on her expectation list, even if we are very busy and there is clearly more work to do. She still makes mistakes and I still have to check in and on her more frequently than anyone else. She still forgets to put things in the shared drive sometimes. But, we can talk about it now. And I believe that makes both our work lives better.

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{ 33 comments }

{ 33 comments… read them below }

  1. Soul Sister*

    Re: #3’s situation, I think that we should all celebrate love and joy in all its forms with less worry.

  2. biobotb*

    For number 4, have you asked/told Ashley to ask you/look around for extra tasks if she completes her to-do list early? Or to assess whether it’s a busy day and ask you if you need her to prioritize something else over her to-do list?

    I know that when I was new to the work world, it at first didn’t occur to me to ask for extra work, or try to find extra work. I assumed that if my manager wanted me to do something, they’d tell me. It’s possible Ashley could be coached on this.

    1. WFH4VR*

      I think to Ashley, it isn’t obvious that “there is clearly more work to do.” Maybe OP could keep a list of tasks that Ashley should start on after she finishes her regularly assigned projects. I manage an intern and I often fall down on the job – I should have a list of stuff prepared for her to start on when she’s finished something, but I don’t, and she is hesitant to ask because she thinks she is interrupting me.

      1. biobotb*

        I mean, OP makes it clear it’s not obvious to Ashley, which is why I mentioned coaching her. You can also explicitly tell your intern that she wouldn’t be interrupting to ask you for tasks, or to give her pointers that could guide her as to whether you’re interruptible or not.

    2. commensally*

      When I started in the work world, I was one of the people who always asked for more work to do or hunted up extra things I could work on, but I was in a workplace where that was not encouraged and I got slapped down multiple times for taking on things that weren’t assigned to me, so I stopped; it took a while to unlearn that later. It’s definitely worth making sure Ashley is equally clear on the expectations for picking up extra work as she is for everything else.

      I’ve also been in workplaces where it’s generally okay to relax a little once your usual daily tasks are done, *unless* we are extra busy – but there was no clear distinction between when we were extra busy or not, unless you were one of the people directly in the line of fire, for whom it was extremely obvious. So giving Ashley clear expectations on what “very busy” means and how to tell could be very helpful too.

  3. SunnyShine*

    #4 – I wonder if “extremely clear expectations” means regular clear expectations. Especially since Ashley went to the grand boss about it. It doesn’t sound like Ashley is that bad at communicating. I’m glad the LW was able to clear things up with Ashley, but it still comes across that the LW doesn’t like Ashley at all.

    1. varied*

      I wouldn’t either, frankly. It sounds like LW is being, at a minimum, reasonably professional, which I give kudos for, considering:

      “Ashley does no more than what’s on her expectation list, even if we are very busy and there is clearly more work to do. She still makes mistakes and I still have to check in and on her more frequently than anyone else. She still forgets to put things in the shared drive sometimes.”

      Sure, we all make mistakes; other than that, it’s rough to have to put up with someone who seems willfully obtuse because they know they can get away with it.

      1. Kay*

        This was my take too. I read that and thought, uhh, sounds like Ashley still isn’t right for the job??

    2. True*

      This was my take as well. I’m glad LW4 has made the (required) effort to be a better manager, but unless a lot of detail and context is missing here, they still need to put in a lot of work to become a good manager.

    3. anonymous anteater*

      Idk, you may be reading this filtered through your own experience, at least I am experiencing that. I work with someone who is not great at their job, and needs a lot more instructions and reminders than all their peers in the same role, even though they have been in that role several years longer than everyone else. While they are a nice person, it’s a lot of extra work to work with them, compared to everyone else. Between the lines of LW4, I am sensing similar issues. If you have some colleagues who see the bigger picture, who pitch in and improve over time, and then you have one who…just doesn’t do these things, that’s not going to be a great interaction.

  4. Frosty*

    Sorry LW#1 I’m having a chuckle thinking of an accommodation that would let someone smoke in bed. Sorry the problem employee is still lingering!

  5. Elle*

    Calling the cops on people having sex in their own home is… so very American.

    Which is not to say the LW’s situation wasn’t awkward (it was). But wow. It’s giving overgrown hall monitor.

      1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        No one is a peeping Tom for seeing something from their own window. I don’t have a problem with people having sex in their own home but if they do it where people can see them, it raises some consent issues around the exhibitionism, IMO. I wouldn’t call the police but I would not have a great opinion of that couple either.

        1. Alpacas Are Not Dairy Animals*

          Seeing something you don’t want to see in passing is not a consent issue, so long as you have the option to look away.

        2. alice*

          If people aren’t peeping Toms for observing someone else’s sex from behind their window, then it’s no more exhibitionism for people to have sex behind their own window. It’s not a crime or consent issue, just an inconvenience that can be uncomfortable.

    2. MM*

      Sometimes it really does feel like nothing but a country of disciplinarians who love to yell about freedom. (I’m American. I know that’s not everyone. I’m saying it sometimes feels that way.) I can’t quite figure out how to phrase this properly, but the connection between the idea that cops should be called on people having sex in their own home and the history of homophobic laws in this country is making my reaction to that suggestion from commenters especially sour. I’m not actually speculating that the couple was gay or the commenters were being homophobic, it’s more like – that history in particular is a reason they really should think twice about that reaction.

    3. Lexi Vipond*

      This surprises me – to me it’s the idea that it’s absolutely fine to have regular sex in your window that’s weirdly individualistically American. In a give-and-take community you shouldn’t be doing something that means your neighbours have to choose between not using their own windows or being flashed.

      1. Roland*

        Maybe we should just stop framing things we don’t like as “so American” since we can’t even agree on what that means.

        1. Lexi Vipond*

          Well, maybe. But if Alison’s response is to let them get on with it that presumably is a mainstream American view.

          If it’s really something that you can’t help seeing if you’re anywhere near your own window, then calling 101 (non-emergency police) would be one of the first things I thought of – not because I want them to be charged with Outraging The Public Decency, but because who else can try asking them to move inside a bit?

  6. Dadjokesareforeveryone*

    LW3 still has X rated content visible from the window. It’s rated X for XTREME BODYBUILDING

    1. Oh boy, those clients*

      This reminds me of the young man who burst into his co-workers office when she yelled “Stay out, I’m pumping!” because he didn’t see what was wrong with barging in on someone pumping or lifting weights. Of course, that wasn’t what she was doing. She was pumping breast milk for her baby and mortification ensued.

    1. Nobby Nobbs*

      Meh, some workplaces require everyone to be a superstar to function, but most can handle a few people who are just kinda mediocre.

      1. Oh boy, those clients*

        If I have to spend my time catching an employee’s mistakes after they are settled in the job, I wouldn’t perceive that employee as mediocre. I would perceive them as a detriment to the work.

    2. True*

      I don’t think Ashley and LW4 are a good fit for each other, but I also don’t think that LW4 is a good manager.

      1. biobotb*

        Yeah, it’s kind of odd to me that they know Ashley needs very clearly set expectations, but is still resenting her for not meeting unstated expectations. It seems like the LW doesn’t want reports they have to coach in any way. I have no idea if that’s a reasonable expectation or not.

    1. Chuckles*

      Ha! Thanks for suggesting that — I had skipped over the title, so I went back and read it. This one works perfectly as a “single letter” interpretation!!

  10. Justin*

    I’m voting for #4 for letter of the year, because I’m happy to see a update where communication solves the problem. This is (probably) what most solutions in the real world look like.

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