updates: ex-boss wants to be my friend, telling my manager I can’t take work trips, and more

by Alison Green on December 16, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My soon-to-be-ex manager wants to be my friend … I’m leaving because of him

Right before my departure (and a week after you posted my letter), Joe threw a surprise going away party for me — despite me repeatedly asking and stating that I did not want a going away party. Fortunately, my work colleagues (who also discouraged Joe from doing this) gave me a heads-up. I was pretty pissed off as the party continued. It was really a celebration of how great Joe’s management is since I got a huge promotion… and I couldn’t have done it without him … So I took your advice immediately!

Our last 1:1 was scheduled following the going away party and the topic was my experience in the department. So as we started, I shared (paraphrasing): “I am deeply disappointed that you did not respect my wishes related to a going away party. You repeatedly disrespected my boundaries and disregarded my feedback while working here. I do not see a reason for me to continue to share feedback, and I see no reason to continue a personal or professional relationship.” He immediately said, “Won’t you need me as a reference?” To which I responded, “I do not believe using you as a reference would be beneficial to my professional reputation.” I then shared some examples of times he disregarded my feedback. Joe was shocked and emotional — and the meeting ended in less than five minutes. I also scheduled an exit interview with HR for the same day, which is typically not done when you receive a promotion or lateral transfer.

Joe is now receiving executive coaching in coordination with HR and we haven’t spoken since. He ignores me in meetings and has chosen not to fill my old role until he does more “soul-searching” (no, I don’t know what that means either). And me? I am absolutely thriving and have never been happier. I have an incredible supervisor and a great team, and I am doing interesting work all over the state. My new supervisor has already recommended to HR that I get another raise and/or promotion next month!

To everyone who commented: I wasn’t ready to interact in the comments at the time the letter was posted (and there are a lot now!) but I read them all and was deeply appreciative. Several made me laugh and one made me cry, reading about your own experience. Your kindness and encouragement helped me confidently enter my new role. Thank you!

2. Should I bring up that our in-office rule is enforced inconsistently on our team? (#4 at the link)

I’d like to thank you and the other readers in the comments for answering my question! As a lifelong goody-two shoes/rule follower, I was overthinking this one I think, so the response really helped me come back down to Earth. Nothing too exciting to report — I resolved to go in one day a week to align with my other team mates schedule, and planned to just suck it up and come in two days a week if my boss or other upper management brought it up. No one ever did.

Unfortunately, my team was subject to layoffs last month so I’m no longer with the company (nothing to do with in-office attendance or performance, all financial). Onwards and upwards to (hopefully) all remote work.

3. How do I gracefully tell my manager I cannot take work trips? (#4 at the link)

I was able to avoid the business trip using your script and have been able to successfully advocate for my needs since then. I was actually able to skip the baseball game this year by being a little more direct with my manager — I didn’t disclose my specific mental health condition, but I did ask not to attend due to the fact that large crowds caused a degree of medical stress that would significantly reduce my function for almost a week. I offered to provide a doctor’s note, but my manager gave me permission not to attend, and said a doctor’s note would not be needed. He alerted the organizer and promised to keep the reason confidential.

Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to be in a giant, open stadium with several thousand strangers without having a panic attack. My view is that going to baseball games is not generally a core requirement of software development. Sometimes, the best way to manage triggers is to understand and avoid them. However, I took the comments to heart that travel to conferences may not be one of those situations, and worked with my therapist to develop a plan that would make travel more comfortable. Things such as having a map of the conference on hand, creating a schedule ahead of time of where I want or need to be, building in time to decompress, having a “work buddy” or identifying coworkers who are safe to be around, knowing private places I can duck to if I need a moment to myself, and traveling with a partner. I have not been asked to attend a conference since then, so I haven’t been able to test this, but having the plan makes me a lot more comfortable.

Unfortunately, due to some unrelated issues I have with the company, I’m currently job-searching. I hope that I can work these issues out without needing a new job – I really like the work I do! – but there’s only so much I can control. I am eternally grateful to you and your community for your kindness and advice.

4. My drunken boss tried to kiss me but it’s been handled — what do I say to coworkers? (#3 at the link)

I did use some of the advice you gave but in the end it didn’t come up all that much. An advantage of being fully remote and a general team restructure happening around the same time that obfuscated it a fair bit.

It’s also ended up being the case that the manager has moved on from the company to another one for an entirely unrelated reason, so it’s very much no-longer a topic of conversation at all in an organic way. All’s well that ends well, I guess!

5. Can I back out of a chaotic freelance project? (#2 at the link)

I did back out of the project, wording it similarly to how you suggested. In the process, I messaged the one artist I’d started to tentatively make friends with and let her know the real reason, that I didn’t think the art show was going to happen no matter how much time everyone had to prepare and even though it was theoretically a great opportunity, I didn’t think it was worth waiting around for. She agreed with me and dropped out a few weeks afterward. In those few weeks, though, she relayed to me that one or two more people dropped, it was down to the leader and her handful of best friends, and they were gamely saying “we can do it without you, so there” even as everything fell apart.

When I saw your request for updates, I searched online – I can’t see any evidence of the art show having eventually happened. I don’t know how much drama was involved or whether it went down in sensational flames versus simply being tabled indefinitely, but leaving was obviously the right call. I still chat with my new acquaintance on social media sometimes and she seems like a great person to know in this small industry, even if she’s not a huge name, so at least I got something out of the whole debacle!

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{ 31 comments }

{ 31 comments… read them below }

    1. blueberry muffin*

      I don’t know how I missed the original letter, but it really resonates because I have had the feelings articulated by the LW but no plan on how to address them.

      My opinions often do not line up perfectly with what is posted on the site, so I view this site as a learning experience filled with data points and anecdotes. This letter and response were a true learning experience for me. Thank you Alison and the commenters.

  2. Arrietty*

    >My view is that going to baseball games is not generally a core requirement of software development.

    Neither is excellent comic timing, but you’ve got that one in the bag, LW3! (I fully sympathise, both with the aversion to crowds and the suck-it-up buttercup parental school of “advice”.)

    1. NewJobWhoDis*

      LW1 here! Thank you! It was not planned to be that harsh or abrupt but rage has a funny way of saying exactly what needs to be said. My new boss (who I filled in recently) thinks the whole thing is hysterical because Joe is a pain.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Joe is a pain? Huh, why am I not surprised? Anyway, good for you, you did the right thing and I’m also very glad you’re in a better place now.

  4. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    “I do not believe using you as a reference would be beneficial to my professional reputation.”

    DAMN, that’s a precision strike.

    1. sometimeswhy*

      It’s so good, it made my heart lift a little. He really tried to imply blackmail and she said, “With what?” Just an absolute surgical shut down.

    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      There are definitely times I’ve felt that way, but never have I been bold enough to speak those words.

    4. NewJobWhoDis*

      LW1 responding
      Thank you! Proudest professional take down ive had. It just felt good to be honest. Are we really going to sit here for another hour and pretend that you are going to change or learn something?

      1. MigraineMonth*

        I love that you not only had said that in the moment, but followed up with HR and they seem to have backed you up. Standing up for yourself and it turning out well? Just the kind of story I needed to read today.

        Three cheers, LW1!

  5. Blarg*

    #3 – It would not even raise an eyebrow if an attendee at the conferences I help run asked for access to a quiet space or other types of accommodation for health needs. People have all kinds of stuff! Please ask if you need it, in advance or in real time. And try to stay at the hotel where the conference is so your room is just an elevator away.

    (And i feel you on the ballgame thing. Mine is riding bikes. Yes, i know how. No, I don’t want to. No, you cannot convince me. My life is fine on foot).

    1. Jinni*

      OMG I’m the person who organizes a bike tour for everyone wherever I go. Copied an industry acquaintance who started this in 2016 when we were in San Francisco yearly for a tiny peer conference…. I have a bike in my car that I ride a few times a week. You’ve made me rethink this one as a wonderful group activity. (We’re outside! There’s exercise!)

      1. amoeba*

        I mean, I think it’s a great optional activity that many people will enjoy – as long as you’re aware that it’s not for everybody, you’re good! (Just like a running group or morning yoga classes or a wine tasting or a visit to an art museum or whatever…)

        1. MigraineMonth*

          Yeah, unless it’s for a small team, planning a variety of teambuilding exercises is probably a better bet than trying to find one thing that everyone likes.

      2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        San Francisco of all places, with hills and narrow streets, sounds like a nightmare for Mandatory Bike Ride For Everyone. I’d have to make myself sprain an ankle or something to have an acceptable excuse, I suppose.

    2. Prefer my furballs*

      Same! I will explore the outdoors on foot, crosscountry skis, horseback, etc. I do not ride bikes. At all. Last time I road a bike was 5th grade. No, I do not want to be taught. No it isn’t sad.
      The only good part of having a messed up knee these days is that I *finally* have a reason that bike nuts seem to accept.

      1. Freya*

        I also have a problem that my glasses are not very big and right in front of my eyes (the Discussions I’ve had with optometrists over the years who think I want my glasses sitting down my nose a bit where, quite apart from the fact that the nose pads are sitting on cartilage or soft flesh, not bone, the only thing I can see through them is my keyboard and the bottom half of my computer monitor), and I am very short sighted, so in order to see the road clearly when riding anything that I’m not sitting upright on, I need to be looking directly ahead with my neck cocked uncomfortably back. Always fun demonstrating that to overly-insistent people…

      2. Audrey Puffins*

        I can ride a bike. I understand the benefits of riding a bike, both for my health and the environment. However I am a car driver, and I see the way people are driving these days, and thus I do not think it would be beneficial to my health to be on the road without a carefully engineered metal cage surrounding my squishy little body (especially with the length and route of my commute)

        1. Strive to Excel*

          Even if I could commute by bike (which I cannot – the road is not ridable), I am not a good enough cyclist to ride on the roads safely. I prefer bike trails.

          (Also, in the winter it’s dark when I get to work and dark when I leave and that is just not safe biking conditions).

    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I totally agree with OP about the ballgame thing! I don’t mind ballgames but I don’t actively seek them out, but also I haaaaaate being in loud places and will avoid that at all costs. (Usually ballparks have enough open space that the noise dissipates quickly and isn’t a trigger for me.) If there’s something that’s totally optional for the job but is also deeply uncomfortable for the employee to attend, then I don’t see why anyone should be forced to change themselves just to see if maaaaaaybe they’ll eventually be ok with attending that optional thing.

      I really don’t mind missing out on loud events one bit, and I suspect OP doesn’t mind missing out on ballgames because of their dislike of being in such an environment. I love hiking but I know that I’m in the minority, and I certainly don’t spend my time trying to convince people who tell me that they’re not interested in hiking that they should just try it a few times and they’d learn to love it. Same goes for the folks here who say they don’t want to go biking – why would I try to convince someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable when it’s a totally optional thing? (People who try to convince others of this are so weird, man. Why waste your breath and annoy your companion?)

      Stick to your guns, OP, you’re doing fine. :-)

    4. Funko Pops Day*

      I was on the convention committee for a large scientific research society, and this ABSOLUTELY is the kind of thing that we want people to include when there’s an “accessibility needs” section of the registration form. Our org moved to just always having a designated “quiet room” with low lights and no talking/calls/etc., because this was requested by multiple attendees every year for various reasons.

    5. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Solidarity. My balance is very poor, and while I can sort of ride a bike on a wide, uncrowded trail I could absolutely not do so on a street of any kind. I even took an “adult learn to bike” class, so please nobody tell me “iT’s EaSy If YoU jUsT tRy!”

  6. reasonably successful software engineer*

    I have been a reasonably successful software engineer for 25 years and I can count on one hand the number of conferences I’ve ever gone to. I think I could count on zero hands the number of conferences I’ve “had to” go to – I don’t know because while I haven’t really sought them out, I have never turned one down.

    1. fhqwhgads*

      I’m a reasonably successful software engineer for 10 years and have been to 15 conferences. Would’ve been 20, except COVID.

      1. reasonably successful software engineer*

        That’s a lot! Do you typically go as an attendee, or do you usually present / serve on panels /etc?

  7. Observer*

    #3 – I love your take on choosing your battles. I have no idea how important conferences are, but I suspect that you are probably right that it’s worth your while to figure that one out. Simply because you are clearly thinking this through and looking at what you actually need or might truly benefit from vs what “everyone” does.

    And I agree with the commenter who mentioned your sense of humor. That’s a huge gift!

  8. Jess*

    “Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to be in a giant, open stadium with several thousand strangers without having a panic attack.”

    Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to : digest sugar without going into a diabetic coma. Walk on my broken leg. See out of my missing eye. Ride a horse with no saddle in a speedo and pleaser heels. Conjure up the spirts of their loved ones who have passed. Make rain.

    Add your own for fun!

  9. mpe1*

    OP#3 – “Sometimes, the best way to manage triggers is to understand and avoid them.”

    This is the exact literal advice my (medical) doctor gave me. People still argue with it. I just tell them to take it up with her. *shrug*

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