Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I don’t want to be pied in the face for work

Thank you again for the response to my letter and situation. It was really nice to see that I wasn’t unhinged for thinking it wasn’t acceptable to be pied in the face, and you had some very good advice regarding not needing to be a top performer to be exempt from humiliating work affairs. It’s something I would certainly believe for others, but not for me—so I needed the reality check that I could count myself in the “no one has to be pied in the face if they don’t want to!” category. The commenters were also quite kind and I truly did appreciate the solidarity from most folks.

My update isn’t very exciting beyond good news, which is I have moved on from this workplace before anything came of the pies. This was just the tip of the whipped cream iceberg of a foundational mismatch between me and other managers at the previous place. I am much happier now that interactions like that one are not my daily norm.

I’m not sure if the pies are still happening, but we can only hope that if it is, it’s opt-in, not opt-out. I opted out more permanently. :)

Cheers for the advice and nice aim!

2. My coworker made a creepy pass at me (#2 at the link; first update here)

I am a religious reader of AAM and love update season. I thought you all might enjoy another update on my situation with Mac. I can’t believe it’s been over a year!

Mac never said anything sexualizing or out of line to me again. We never got back to the kind of easy work friendship we had previously, but things were cordial and while not necessarily warm they weren’t chilly either.

Unfortunately something eventually came out that likely cements his comments as less innocent than he portrayed them in his apology: he was having an affair and his wife is divorcing him. He’s moved out of the neighborhood and no longer works here, which I’m grateful for. This new development definitely made it harder to assume he didn’t know exactly what he was doing with his comments.

Thanks again for opening my eyes last year and to all the commenters that helped me find my gumption. I still can’t believe I pulled that line with a straight face, and it still feels amazing that I did. And thanks for all the wisdom and entertainment over the years! Can’t wait to keep reading more.

3. Are these interview red flags? (#3 at the link)

Thank you, Alison and the commenters, for giving me a gut check. Shockingly, the day after I wrote to you, I heard from HR that they were proceeding with putting together an offer for me, and asked for my references. HR told my references that they were giving me an offer, and let me know that all the reviews of me were glowing and the team was really excited about bringing me on.

After you posted my letter, I was thinking about withdrawing my candidacy, but decided that having the information on what compensation they’d offer me for the role was worth having, so I planned to hang in there until that point, when I could decline. Well, the joke was on me. For another six weeks I kept being told that the offer was forthcoming, delayed for various approvals (it was with leadership, with the new CEO, with the parent company). Finally I called HR after two weeks of radio silence and asked for an update. At that point they told me that they might not in fact be giving me an offer after all, because the hiring manager had identified someone else they were now interested in and wanted to interview. I thanked them for their time and the following Monday withdrew from consideration. The entire process took four months, and I never once heard from the hiring manager or the team, everything was run through HR (yet another huge red flag).

The process was eye opening in its own right and a really great reminder that if a company treats you badly and is a complete mess during the hiring process, it can only go downhill from there. Thank you to the AAM community such great perspective!

4. Communicating with a team that doesn’t read email (#2 at the link)

As some of the commenters correctly guessed, management wasn’t a good fit for me. I made a lateral move to a non-management role at the same organization. I’m making the same amount of money (still, uh, not a lot) but I’m MUCH happier in my new role and I have all kinds of ideas for how to improve my little corner of this place!