updates: is my preferred name too cringy, banning money collections, and more

by Alison Green on December 18, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Is my preferred name too cringy to get interviews? (#3 at the link)

I did take the advice I saw from others and changed my resume to show my legal name, and then subtly place my preferred name somewhere else, but I still haven’t found a paying job. However, I did get an internship through my school, and I’m now in the work-based learning program! I’m not going by my preferred name there, but I did tell my boss about it, and she said it was “unprofessional,” which I understood and told her the name I would like to go by (middle name), and she seemed happy with that. I haven’t told my coworkers though, and I’m honestly not 100% sure if I should. I doubt they would care, but I feel like it would be better if it were mentioned in passing by a friend coming in while I’m working or something and calling me my preferred name.

Please make sure to tell everyone that I appreciate all the helpful comments! I loved the support and ideas to make sure people still knew I did go by a different name

2. Should I ban money collections on our team? (#4 at the link)

It’s been more than a year since I’ve been a manager. I wrote in wanting to streamline birthdays and other occasions at work. I had the first department meeting with my team and included this in an overall talk about my expectations.

Basically, that we were all there to make money and they did not need to feel pressured to give to buy gifts for others. That they did not ever need to buy me anything. I did not want them soliciting co-workers for anything: social causes, birthdays, showers, weddings, etc. I would buy a cake and card if anyone wanted to have their birthday acknowledged. (And set up a clipboard to sign up for this.)

The look of relief on most of my team was encouraging. I told them if they had any concerns they could speak to me privately. The only person with a problem was the secretary who had been handling this. She was upset as “giving gifts was her love language” and no one had complained before. (Gifts with other peoples’ money.)

I told her people who aren’t getting gifts may feel slighted. Others can’t afford to keep contributing but may not feel comfortable saying anything. She was teary. I told her she wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I was in charge now, and going forward this is how we’re proceeding.

She wanted to do a Secret Santa so I wanted to be fair and let people vote anonymously on it — and most people said no. I took them all out for a holiday lunch instead.

3. We’re switching to unlimited PTO and I feel cheated (#4 at the link)

I wrote in that my company decided to switch to open PTO and only gave us three weeks’ notice.

The policy is officially “open PTO” and that means it is no longer separated by sick time, vacation time, personal time, etc. I wrote unlimited interchangeably because I think most people understand what unlimited PTO is versus open PTO. I am sorry for the confusion.

Our fiscal year ended on Sept 30 (which was a Monday) and the staff meeting we had to “discuss” the issue was on Sept 10 (a Tuesday). We got the email about the change late the day before. In the meeting, I specifically asked about compensation since, thanks to AAM, I know it was a FY24 expense. I think it never occurred to anyone to pay out the up-to-40 hours for any and all employees. I left the meeting and immediately looked at my schedule to see how many of my remaining hours I was able to take off. I only lost 8 hours at the end.

The update is not that exciting. We did not push back on the timing. I am not sure if any of my colleagues took more time off in September. My company is setting a minimum of 15 days, 5 of which must be consecutive. Many are worried about the line between taking time and abuse, and it was suggested to just take as many as we would have gotten had we been given a set number. I therefore gave myself a raise in my time off, and several others have as well. As long as the work gets done, no one seems to be concerned about too much time abuse. They did clearly state that this does not get paid out if you leave the company. Some of the commenters mentioned that. There are many sucky things about this situation but I think most of us have just accepted it and moved on. It would have been nice to have more of a heads up about the situation. I know they probably didn’t have things confirmed, but even a simple “Hey, we are considering this change to be effective in October so use your days” in July would have been nice. The only other issue I have is that our company wide winter break is not happening. HR acknowledged that there will probably be a lot of PTO being used that week–and that is okay–but as one of the few customer-facing roles, it was nice that everyone was off at the same time, and not just me because I feel like it.

The silver lining for me is that my spouse’s time off schedule is January to December (which is one reason I rolled over 5 days), so at least with it being open, I don’t have to deal with managing our vacation time on two schedules. And when my water meter had to be changed last week, I just took the day off rather than do data entry from home, because it’s not like I needed to work to save a vacation day for an actual vacation.

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{ 189 comments }

{ 189 comments… read them below }

  1. Spicy Tuna*

    Ugh, Ugh UGH, 5 days in a row would KILL me! I would be completely out of the groove and it would be impossible to get back into work mode. Glad it worked out for the OP though

    2. Beth**

      My UK employer has a soft requirement that we take 10 consecutive work days off each leave year. (“Soft” in the sense that it’s required for certain specific roles and encouraged for the rest of us.) Feeling that you can’t take a full week off therefore feels very odd to me.

      1. Lions and Tigers*

        Oh yeah, my company (not in the US) straight-up has a two week mandatory shut-down once a year (because reasons). The mandatoriness is a little annoying, because it coincides with the celebration of a religion that I don’t follow (and during which time travel is stupidly expensive), but I do like how much it normalises taking blocks of time off at once!

        1. wendelenn*

          I chuckled at “during which time travel is stupidly expensive”. I read it at first and reacted “Of course, if you could time travel it would be expensive!” and then re-read for the proper meaning of “at that time of year, travel is stupidly expensive.”

          1. But what to call me?*

            Me too!
            Though time travel would solve the problem, if available, by letting everyone spend this mandatory time off during whatever part of the year works best for them.

      3. amoeba*

        My country has a legal requirement to do that… I’m honestly a bit shocked by the comment, this seems extreme even for US standards?

        1. Seashell*

          I’m an American, and I’d say the vast majority of people I know are more than happy to take 5 days off in a row.

        2. House On The Rock*

          I’m in the US and while lucky enough to work for an employer with very generous PTO (30+ days a year), even for people who don’t have as much as I do, it’s not at all strange to take a week off at a time. That being said, the comment seems more around personal preference and how the re-adjustment back to the working world would be hard.

      4. pandop*

        It’s not a soft requirement for us. It’s in our contract that we must take at least 5 consecutive days off in one go.

    3. Goldfeesh*

      In a lot of financial companies, think stock trading, you are required to take at least 5 days off once a year to basically screw you up in case you were in on an illegal trading scheme. It would be harder to manipulate things if you were gone.

      1. Strive to Excel*

        Not just in financial companies. It’s a recommended policy in a lot of finance positions across multiple industries. The NIST recommendation is actually at least 2 work weeks.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah I’ve a friend in a banking sector job and they have to take 2 weeks off each year as an anti-corruption measure which apparently is standard for the industry. It’s factored into their leave allocations. A lot of people in her company especially the Australian people there tend to add to that additional time so they can get home for a decent break.

        2. Caro*

          Yes, quite a lot of companies have a general notion around people in positions of financial oversight / access to company money must take a certain number of consecutive days off each financial year for this reason.

          I only know this because a very close friend was working for a small company that grew and got landed with ALL the payroll and financial stuff that was way above her paygrade and which she had no desire to do, but did very competently nonetheless (regularly meeting with the accountant). Anyway, time went on and new directors arrived and one of them, a real Prince Charming, stood over her desk and loudly insisted she take a long holiday because ”it’s not usual to let people in charge of money have free rein with no oversight for long periods lol”

          She was so, so upset and mortified. On the upside, she demanded to be allowed to take 6 weeks consecutive leave that she’d accrued but had zero chance to take ”to help you and give you a chance to uncover my malfeasance”.

        3. JustaTech*

          There was a letter a while back from someone who was new to working who really, really didn’t want to take the mandatory (paid!) 2 weeks off and was asking for advice on how to push back. (The advice: don’t, this is a requirement and you’ll look weird/out of touch/naive/ nefarious for asking to not do it.) (Secondary advice was what the LW could do for free/low cost with their two weeks off, since lack of funds was part of why they didn’t want the time off, because they couldn’t afford to go anywhere.)

    4. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      That’s extremely melodramatic and obviously untrue. In fact, based on your OTT reaction, I’d say you definitely need to take a week (or more) off to see that the world does not end.

      1. But what to call me?*

        I can see three possibilities for why this might not be melodramatic:
        1) They’re a very routine-oriented person who has trouble adjusting to major changes in their schedule. I have a family member (teenager on the autism spectrum) who has a lot of trouble with even short vacations from school. Once the routine of going five days per week gets interrupted she often has meltdown-level anxiety about going back, despite being perfectly fine with school when she’s going every day.
        2) Some kind of mental health or home situation that makes work more appealing than home
        3) The kind of job where taking time off just means they’ll have an unmanageable workload when they return. I’ve had those before, and time off is not relaxing.

    5. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      At FinalJob at least 10 consecutive days was compulsory. We were engineering/manufacturing (in Germany), not finance so I think it was mostly for health and work/life balance reasons.
      However, it would have probably also uncovered anyone who was e.g. doing very substandard work or not following required procedures & docu.

      Most people took 3 weeks plus a few shorter vacations (not unlimited PTO, but we had 32 days vacation+ 6 weeks sick per incident) Some took 6 weeks vacation over the winter holiday season. No drama and the work got done.
      Eeveryone seemed back in work mode by the end of their 1st day back without noticeable problems.

      1. Wolf*

        Similar situation here. 30 days of vacation, and we’re strongly encouraged to take at least two weeks in one lump, becaus it’s considered good for your mental health. But it’s not enforced if someone prefers to do it different.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        Completely agree and I’m glad it’s the first comment because most people are responding the way you have, and maybe that’ll be a wakeup call for the commenter. I’m a “I work to live, there’s no such thing as a dream job, I exist within the capitalist system because I have to” sort of gal and worry about people who enjoy workaholism.

      2. hohumdrum*

        Big agree, and I say that as a dork who does like my job.

        So it takes you a bit to get back into the groove, so what? If the pressure is external, that you cannot slow down even a bit without your higher ups judging you then that’s a reeeaally crappy workplace. If the pressure is internal…well, I worry about you, because that is not a healthy mentality at all, and I say this as someone who read the Secret History and was like, “I could have thrived in this group” so

    8. Trixie melodian*

      So you’ve never taken any kind of proper overseas trip? I’ve just got back from 3 weeks in Italy and I’m squirreling away the remainder of my leave and public holidays to get 2 weeks at Christmas (when our team pretty much shuts down).

      Being unable to take a week off speaks to me of serious stress and burnout.

      1. April*

        Right?

        I took six weeks off in 2023 so I could walk across Spain! I had the PTO saved up from working so much during the early days of the pandemic, and because a few months earlier they combined our sick time and vacation time.

        And my job has 24/7/365 coverage.

      2. Seashell*

        Most Americans don’t go overseas. There are plenty of places to visit in the US, and it’s expensive to travel out of the country.

        “You’ve never taken any kind of proper overseas trip?” sounds like something I’d expect a character in British TV drama who lives in a castle to say to their maid.

        1. LJ*

          I get the broader sentiment, but if folks haven’t looked at the strength of the US dollar relative to other currencies these days, coupled with the sky high inflation… there’s really no better time to travel out of the country, relatively speaking. It’s easy to drop $1k on long weekend domestically ($200-300 hotels that used to be $100, etc), while you can also manage a trip to Japan for 2-3 weeks for $2-3k.

      3. metadata minion*

        Plenty of people can’t afford to take an overseas vacation, or hate travel. I enjoy occasional travel and am not a workaholic, but after maybe 2 weeks maximum away from my home I get cranky and want my normal bed and routine back. But I take plenty of long weekends, or short trips to nearby locations.

      4. bye*

        It’s weird to jump from “I don’t like taking 5 consecutive days off” to “what do you mean you can’t afford to travel overseas??”

    10. londonedit*

      What? You’ve seriously never taken a week off work? It’s rare for me to take two weeks, simply for financial reasons because I can’t really afford to go away on holiday for two weeks, but it’s totally normal where I live and work. A week is even more normal. People take a week all the time. Most people are taking two weeks over Christmas.

      It’s normal!! Even in America. It’s a week off!

      1. Chas*

        Yes, I usually only take more than 1 week at a time at Christmas (because the building as a whole shuts down and it’s when most of my family are wanting to arrange visits with each other), but most of the time I prefer to take a full week off work because only being there for 1 or 2 days in a week means I wouldn’t really get much work done anyway. (Most of the experiments I do need at least 2 consecutive days to get results, and some need 3-4 days).

        Even if I’m not planning to go anywhere and it’s just some time off to sit at home and play videogames, it’s still nice to take a whole week off and not have to think about work for a while, even if it takes a few days to get back into things and remind myself what I was supposed to be doing when I get back. And sometimes it’s good to forget and have to re-evaluate my priorities, since it’ll give me the chance to remember things that might have got pushed to the wayside while I was chasing whatever I was working on pre-vacation.

    11. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m a teacher. We get three months off every summer. Yeah, I correct the State Exams for a month of it, but not everybody does.

      Definitely not impossible to get back into work mode. For less than a month or so, it’s not even difficult. After the summer, yeah, before I start back, I do kinda think, “yikes, how am I going to get back into work mode,” but within the first week, it’s like I was never off.

      Plus, pretty much everybody will have something like an operation or a maternity leave or other event that means they have to take a month or more off. Heck, when I was in hospital, they pretty much gave a standard letter that “x was treated in y hospital and will need a minimum of two weeks off work/school.”

    12. Lady Blerd*

      Dear lord! My office closes for two weeks but we can tack on an additional week. We are also strongly encourage to take at least a couple of weeks off in the summer and most do. I am legit worried for your well being.

    13. One HR Opinion*

      For everyone who is questioning Spicy – I doubt you’ll come back here to read this, but please keep in mind there are millions of people out there who need consistent structure for various reasons. So needing to take off a full week of work can be anxiety provoking, etc.

      1. Lisa Simpson*

        She could also work in a dysfunctional workplace. I’ve worked a few places where taking a whole week off meant you’d come home to your job duties fully bombed and imploded. People would look forward to the time someone was out of town to take over and reorganize their job duties, and it was not even remotely uncommon to find a large program entirely trashed or a bunch of staff quit or fired for petty reasons. One time my boss went out of town for 10 days and came back to a large chunk of our department’s building cracked in three places and leaking because her boss tried to “fix” it in an unauthorized way.

        This means you need a new job, not to avoid vacation.

      2. Wreaths*

        Then I hope those people aren’t working in industries that require mandatory time off for compliance reasons (IE finance), or they aren’t people who ever plan on getting sick even with a bad cold. A bad sinus infection or flu could conceivably take you out of work for 5 consecutive days. I also hope these people don’t have relatives that ever need any type of medical care either because again:that could require Spicy Tuna and their ilk to take off 5 consecutive days (or more) from work in to care for a loved one. Good god, the horror.

    14. Lucifer*

      So I guess you don’t work in finances or compliance/auditing or any other type of job where annual leave is expected/required as a way to check for any possible shenanigans??? Because 5 consecutive days (or more) would definitely be a thing in those jobs to uncover any potential problems.

      And you’re not ever planning to have a major medical issue or even just a bad case of the flu*/RSV/covid/shingles/etc? Or you don’t have loved ones that will ever be hit by any of those medical situations and you might need to take time off from work to care for them?
      I sincerely hope not and if you are one of those magical unicorns that is extremely healthy until they die in their sleep at age 100 then a sincerely good for you. And please let someone study your genes for science.

      *the one year I skipped a flu shot is the one year I missed 4 consecutive days of work. 0/10, do not recommend.

    15. COHikerGirl*

      Another person who should (it did not actually happen two jobs ago) take at least 1 week if not 2 weeks off. In finance it’s to make sure no one is embezzling. Everyone from the lowest to the highest positions should, especially if the company goes through audits.

      The company theoretically had a 5 day vacation policy for all employees, too. To give people a chance to take a proper break from work and have a good vacation (be it staying at home and doing nothing or being able to go somewhere further out).

    16. Reluctant Mezzo*

      There are some places where taking off five days in a row is required (lots of financial institutions get weird vibes from the accountant who never goes on vacation).

  2. I should really pick a name*

    and then subtly place my preferred name somewhere else

    I’d love to know the details of how one does this.

    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I don’t think you do. I think the OP is telling themselves it’s subtle, but it’s not.

      1. Prefer my furballs*

        100%

        This is not going from everyone knowing you as Susan while preferring Suzie.

        Honestly this name is so far out there (not to mention inconveniently long) that if I heard a friend call a coworker that I would assume it was some sort of inside-joke related nickname not a preferred name. I’m pretty nonchalant about names & preferred names (I don’t blink at the entire family I know who are all named for berries, using names from other cultures, weird spellings, or even my coworker whose name is very “my parents were hippies of the disney variety” though I did ask the latter if she preferred to go by her given name or a nickname & she leapt at a chance to have me help share her preferred nickname)
        This particular chosen name… I would not expect to see it as a preferred name anywhere except music or film industries. If it makes them happy, I’d learn to roll with it but still… oof.

        1. NotBatman*

          Yes. And if OP1 would be willing to go by “Wolf” or “C” or even “Bones” without getting into the details, that would help a lot too. So if they write their resume as John “Wolf” Doe, and then introduce themself in person as “Everyone calls me Wolf, and at this point I prefer it to John,” then that might be an effective compromise.

          Otherwise, OP1 risks coming off as very young. I have a friend who, upon coming out, changed her name to “Freedom From Faith” and ended up going through another legal name change a few years later because having a legal name that unconventional created all kinds of barriers. I’d worry that a name as unconventional as “Wolfskull Shadow Bones C” comes off as belonging to someone too young to know how often it’ll be a barrier to buying a legal drink or going through TSA.

          1. Dek*

            Yeah, I’ve got a friend who changed their name to Bones, and it doesn’t really stand out as particularly weird (though their industry is also one of the more queer-friendly, artsy ones).

            But just…the WHOLE name? I don’t know any of my coworkers whole names. I don’t call anyone by their whole name. That’s not “preferred” that’s just…a bit much.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yes I mean I’m happy to call people what they choose (although some names are harder than others – I struggled working with an American called Randy because the name is so rude in England but I’d never have said anything).

              But I’m not going to call someone something that’s 4 names long every time I want them. I mean even my friend Ned who has a knighthood and 3 first names and 2 surnames goes by Ned.

      2. Wreaths*

        I honestly think this letter is a dog whistle and it’s not the first that’s snuck by here (the one about a trans person supposedly complaining about someone else having menstrual supply products in their own car also springs to mind). And I’m disappointed that it ran in the first place, and that the update ran, because dog whistles like this just allow the crazies to come out of the woodwork.

        1. Temperance*

          I know a good number of trans people, and while names like that aren’t necessarily hella common, they exist.

          1. TigressInTech*

            I’ll second this, someone I know chose a name with similar vibes (they toned it down *slightly* for the legal name). This is definitely giving “young trans person vibes”, though, since (as NotBatman pointed out above) legal names like these tend to cause skepticism and paperwork issues as you get older…

    3. But Of Course*

      You don’t. You either announce “I would prefer to be called X” (seems bad when your boss has already called your main-character-energy name unprofessional) or you create a situation where your coworkers think you invited your fellow furry or ww2 losing-side enthusiast to meet you at work, in front of them, and call you by an over-the-top nickname, which a) is going to come off as weird, and b) isn’t going to convey to them that they should immediately adopt a name many of them are not going to see as a name. There is nothing about this plan that would work, and I would probably be most mortified personally if I hatched a plan that required a friend to come talk to me in front of my coworkers instead of just saying “call me X” and took the consequences of that choice.

      I think it’s worth noting that many people (maybe most people?) censor parts of themselves for the work world. A lot of the oddest missteps that stand out to me over years of reading AAM are the ones where someone is DETERMINED to bring their whole self to work … and force their coworkers to call their partner “master”, use unusual neopronouns in work correspondence, decide they no longer have a name, or engage in constant proselytizing or emotional control. While issues of identity are important and everyone has a right to self-identify, there’s merit to deciding that you’re fine with going by Wolf professionally at this point in time but your close friendships are with people who will call you Wolfskull Shadow Bones.

            1. Ally McBeal*

              LW said it’s their “mostly full name.” I think it’s safe to assume they didn’t want to give their full legal name out on the internet.

              1. But Of Course*

                In the original post, Alison commented that as far as she knows, C is the last name, it’s not short for Carter or Chapman. It would be presented as C. Which raises further issues, given how many systems can’t cope with surnames shorter than 3 letters.

                1. JustaTech*

                  Yes to your last point. I used to know a guy (in tech) who changed his legal first name to A. Just the letter A. He did it as a statement against … something, I don’t remember what.

                  But he was *endlessly* frustrated by all the systems that couldn’t handle a one-letter name. Which, as a programmer who worked in database architecture, he *absolutely* knew was going to be a problem all the time.
                  The whole thing was very on-brand for him.

                2. Jenesis*

                  I’m not disagreeing with you, but that seems a little ridiculous in this day and age, and could have unintentionally racist implications. A bunch of Asian names are rendered as 2 letters in the Latin alphabet. What would the system do if an employee’s last name was Li, Wu, or Ng?

                3. Nina*

                  I have a one-letter middle name, and systems having a problem with that is not unusual (usually if your system won’t accept my middle name, I won’t give it my middle name.) But with the number of Lis and Ngs (just off the top of my head…), a system that requires 3 characters for a surname is a bit short sighted.

      2. WillowSunstar*

        I mean there is Wolf Blitzer, so it’s not like that’s unheard of. But even he works in TV.

        1. Trixie melodian*

          Yea, Wolf/Wolfgang is a not uncommon European name. You could definitely get away with Wolf.

          Wolfskull on the other hand…

          1. Resentful Oreos*

            Wolfgang would just be looked upon as parents being huge Mozart fans, dad being named Eddie Van Halen, or just parents wanted a name that sounded “metal.” Wolf and Wolfgang are legitimate names. WolfSKULL, I’m sorry to say, sounds more, as someone put it, “main character syndrome-ish.”

            1. amoeba*

              I find that quite funny, because in Germany, Wolfgang would… not be considered metal at all, but rather “why does this young person have the name of a 70 year old?” It’s pretty common among boomers and maybe Gen X and very uncommon in younger people, haha.

              1. L*

                Which is a shame, because it’s an awesome name! My uncle’s name is Wolfgang, and it’s definitely on the consideration list for a middle name when my husband and I have a kid.

          2. UKDancer*

            Yes. I’ve worked with a German colleague called Wolf before now (pronounced more like Volff) and because it sounded different I didn’t think of it like the animal but more like Mozart.

            Wolfskull would definitely be unusual in my field. Also anyone making you use a name that is 3 parts long would be laughed at in my company for being a pretentious twit. Pick a part of it “Wolf” or “Shadow” and use that.

            1. amoeba*

              Although “Wolf” in German is also the name of the animal, and pronounced the same way as the name!

              1. Another Kristin*

                It’s not that odd to use animal names as people names – ask any Catherine who goes by “Cat” or “Kitty”!

                It’s pretty weird to use an animal BODY PART as a name though, unless you’re an evil wizard in a fantasy novel or a minor Harry Potter character.

          3. Cat Tree*

            My take is probably a bit precious but I don’t really like to be reminded of a dead animal frequently. Wolf and Wolfgang don’t do that. I mean, if it’s someone’s name I’ll suck it up and deal with it. But I don’t like Wolfskull.

        2. Nina*

          There was a Wolf in one of my classes at uni (his student ID said Wolf because we could put preferred names, his driver’s license said Albert). Super normal guy, still goes by Wolf, got a job in a government lab. That was a bit unusual.

          If your preferred name is Wolfskull, especially combined with other words that are also generally on the ‘spooky’ side, yeah, I can see being put off. I personally would try my hardest to be chill about it, but I’m not in management and hopefully never will be.

      3. Emergency Pants*

        This. No need to bring your whole self to work, they typically don’t it. However, I would argue “use unusual neo-pronouns in work correspondence” doesn’t deserve to be on the same list as “call my partner master”. Pronouns are pretty easy to figure out from context clues and gender seems a large part of yourself Not to bring to work

        1. But Of Course*

          I’m specifically referring to the person who wanted to use star/stars/starself as pronouns. No matter how you feel about neopronouns, that’s going to be a big stretch in a work environment. Even in mine, where we have multiple trans and non-binary members of staff, it would be difficult to make that switch, partly because they’re not pronouns, they’re noun pronouns and they function oddly (and intimately) in a grammar and work context. So yes, they do deserve to be on my list.

        2. Rincewind*

          TL;DR: It’s not so much about it being “unprofessional” for me as it simply being confusing for people who are unfamiliar with the concept.

          I’m really on the fence about using neopronouns at work. I personally identify as (trans)masculine non-binary and I use he/him pronouns. I’m not attached to those pronouns so much as I know that I DON’T like it when people use she/her. And I’ve experienced so many people using they/them for me in a non-affirming way (visibly/verbally confused about which pronoun to use in an unfriendly way, refusing to use he/him but pointedly “not misgendering”, and similar) that I’m not comfortable choosing to use they/them pronouns.

          I wish there was another option. When I say this to queer people, they go “there’s always neopronouns!” That’s great, but like, I work at a large bank with an international workforce. I feel like maybe I’d like to try it? But it’s just not feasible in a work context. On top of finance being a relatively conservative industry, probably 40% of the people I speak to every day are from non-English speaking countries with very different cultures. How on EARTH would I explain to someone with a functional-but-not-fluent grasp of English, via email since we generally work async, that actually, I’m not a man, I’m genderfaun and my pronouns are fae/faun?
          Yeah… (This is not me poking fun – if I were to pin down my identity that tightly, I’d probably say genderfaun, even if I don’t use neopronouns)

          I think sometimes queer people suffer from the “Average Familiarity” syndrome when it comes to queer topics. (It’s an XKCD cartoon, I’ll link it below) We spend our lives steeped in the topic and can’t help but learn about it, just by virtue of existing. It’s easy to forget that your average cis-het person might not even know what cis-het means! (And that it’s NOT an insult or slur)
          We think it’ll be straightforward to explain a nuanced topic because we have the background to understand it easily, but a lot of people don’t have that background. When I gave a talk about transgender medical care to an open audience (rather than specifically at a transgender event) I was gobsmacked at the level of ignorance in the questions I got asked BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

            1. Blarg*

              This is such a good reminder today for wildly different reasons — in the midst of grant writing and some of my coworkers def forget that their niche is not, in fact, common knowledge/vernacular. :)

            2. Slow Gin Lizz*

              I love that XKCD. It reminded me of a past boyfriend I had…I’m a classical musician and I remember saying something about how I was excited to play some random piece of music by Beethoven and he was like, who’s Beethoven? It absolutely blew my mind, after spending sooooo much time with musicians, that he’d never heard of *Beethoven*. Also reminds me of a time I was talking to some random medical professional about some musicians I knew and that person said, “Do you realize you refer to all these people by their instrument?” (I said things like, “This violinist I know” or “The oboist I sit next to” or whatever.) Um, no, doesn’t everyone do that? No? Huh.

              1. Kit*

                As the de-facto First Oboe all through high school (because I was, usually, the only oboist, ofc) this seems entirely sensible to me! The idea of using someone’s instrument as a shorthand disambiguation is just natural, but clearly it’s not for people without that experience. TMYK, I guess?

              2. Bumblebee*

                The first argument I had with my now-husband occurred when I couldn’t break down a totally normal freshman orientation event into understandable terms, because I have literally known/participated in it since I was 18. He was so offended because he thought that I thought he was stupid for not understanding! I did not, for the record, I just literally couldn’t break it down any further, it was like a prime number to me.

          2. Joron Twiner*

            That’s a great point that I wish more people thought about. Pronouns are a difficult concept for many non-native speakers to understand in the first place. Adding non-standard alternatives that even native speakers will struggle to conjugate is a really high hurdle for an international audience.

          3. Resentful Oreos*

            Thank you for the XKCD cartoon. “Average familiarity” is a good name for a concept many people have. I think most of us have an area of average familiarity on some topic (House of the Dragon? Cats? Woodworking?) and might not get that the average layperson, especially if their first language is not our first language, will be going “huh?”

          4. velveteen rabbit*

            Ha, I’m clearly not the kind of queer person you know and hang out with because I’m hardline “do not use neopronouns, they make our whole community look batshit crazy to ninety percent of humanity” and will die on that hill.

            And by neopronouns I very much mean things like xie/xir or zi/hir. Noun-self pronouns like “kitten/kittenself” make me want to roll my eyes until they fall out of my head – I fear that I would immediately lose any ability to even remotely respect that person and would assume that their tumblr account is at least ten years old.

            1. Nina*

              I tend to be more of the opinion that to people who are okay with us (queer people of all descriptions), they’re going to be okay anyway, and they’re probably going to screw up but they mean well; and to people who aren’t, we’re all just dirty queers and there’s no real difference between, like, Pete Buttigieg who is the most normal respectable advertisement for nice normal civilized queers, and… well, a stargender individual called Sparkle Bright using star/starself pronouns.

              I have more in common with the hypothetical Sparkle Bright and stars general ilk than with most ‘normal’ cis/het people.

              (Also, for the record, in queer spaces I do prefer ze/hir pronouns, which have been around for 160 years at this point :) I’ve just made peace with the fact that at work and with family I’ll have to settle for she/her or they/them.)

            2. But Of Course*

              I was in a webinar with someone whose pronoun was “beloved”. (It was also their name.)

              You are not my beloved. I don’t even LIKE you at this point. I certainly don’t know you. I am absolutely not gonna call anyone “beloved”. I’m plenty queer, thank you, and I’m not calling anyone at all, ever, “beloved” as a pronoun. Or as a name, fwiw.

              A lot of people want to act like misgendering is THE WORST, but I think there’s something to insisting that people call you beloved or stars or kitten or whatever that is incredibly intimate (obviously, intimate and sexual are different things) and way too over the top for a casual relationship. It puts focus on your gender expression that feels like too much gender for a work environment. Save it for home the same way I save what I call my partner in bed for home.

            3. Dragonself (they/them)*

              I hate to tell you this, but people will assault, harass, discriminate, and kill queer people whether they’re a “respectable” pair of suburban white gay dads or someone who uses neopronouns among friends, because to them we’re all sinning, filthy queers. Don’t do their job for them.

            4. Dek*

              I’m not a huge fan of “xie/xir or zi/hir” if only because I have difficulty remembering them (not a lot of practice so far), but I don’t think it’s fair to say “they make our whole community look crazy.” They function like regular pronouns.

              You can’t play respectability in any meaningfully effective way. Get rid of “xie/xir” and you’ll still have folks sneering at “they/them.”

            5. Liva*

              I’m hardline on “if we police harmless things that other queer people are doing, we are making it easier for bigots to target all queer people”.

              IMO, “If it’s not harming you, let it be” is a position that is much more likely to advance things for the queer community as a whole than, “I know you think we’re all freaks, but that person is a freak and *I’M* normal”.

              You don’t have to respect queer people who do things differently than yourself – just like many queer people don’t respect community members who play respectability politics. But voicing that publicly only gives ammo to bigots.

              Also doesn’t seem to be a particularly kind response to this person sharing their experience.

      4. Disappointed Australien*

        I have kind of got away with it in a couple of jobs by being “Dr Bob Smith” on official documents but “Diogenes” around the office. I’m blessed by parents who picked a traditional first name but decided to give me a usable middle name just in case.

        Gratefully yours, Diogenes Robert Smith, esq :)

        But if your nickname is NSFW then yeah nah.

      5. LaminarFlow*

        10000%

        Also, my parents named me Blaze. I dated a Freedom in my early 20s. Such a weird name power couple move!

        I really can’t decide if the LWs chosen name is intense or the just equivalent of when Phoebe wanted to change her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock on Friends. Also, no idea what the c at the end of the chosen name is, and I can’t say I would feel compelled to ask.

        1. Resentful Oreos*

          Hippie parents started to abound in the late 60’s! I knew a Moon, TWO “Galadriels,” a Lothlorien, and an Amethyst Crystal Rainbow.

          1. velveteen rabbit*

            Ha, in the early 2000s I dated a guy whose cousin had run away to a commune in Hawai’i and named her twins “Moonlight on the Ocean” and “Starlight on the Desert”

            We remained friends for a decade or so after we broke up and by the time the kids were 8 they would only answer to “Ocean” and “Star”

          2. Bast*

            I worked with someone who had a name very similar to “Sunshine Crystal LastName” changing it slightly because it is very identifiable. She generally introduced herself as “Sunny” which got some “Oh that’s unique/pretty” etc etc comments, but whenever she had to put her full name on anything or provide her full name, people tended to think she was pulling their leg. I can only imagine how tiring that must have gotten for her.

          3. Robin*

            Terry Pratchett apparently got criticized for including “Pippin Galadriel Moonchild” in Good Omens, on the grounds that the name was unrealistic, and responded that he’d personally signed books for multiple Pippins, Galadriels, Bilbos, and so on. (Pippin in the book hates Lord of the Rings and insists on going by Pepper.)

          4. JustaTech*

            I went to school with a Sunshine Mountain Lastname (total goth) and siblings Aspen and Sylvan Willow Lastname.

            It’s a bit more unusual in my age group (we’re a bit young to have hippie parents) but it’s not unheard of.

          5. Bumblebee*

            I knew a set of kids named after the seasons, and some others named after various weather things. Back-to-the-land 70s parents named their kids some unusual things!

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I assumed the C. stood for their birth surname, like their name is Carter or something and they just put an initial because they didn’t want to give their real name and couldn’t be bothered making something up.

        3. Elder bat*

          It really, really gave me desperate baby bat vibes. Kind of ‘I’m so goth, I’m so edgy, I am just so yoooneek’
          We’ve all been there, and wanted to show just how goth we are, but mostly we get over it by the time we’re 16. Everyone has the right to self-expression, but everyone also has the right to roll their eyes and wonder if the person thinks that viral wolf t-shirt off amazon is the goth-est thing ever.
          But here’s hoping they find a way to express themselves and exist within the world

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      What saddens me about this situation is that the letter write puts their preferred–and unconventional–name in their resume at all. LW#1, the purpose of a resume is to get an interview and a conversation. I don’t understand why you jeopardize even getting in the door by listing the name at all when it’s completely unnecessary?

      I wouldn’t bring it up in an interview either, for the same reason. Why risk missing out on a job opportunity by sharing a name that others might see as unprofessional?

      Once you get the job and at your new workplace, *then* you can discuss your preferred name(s).

      1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

        Right? Use the name you are willing to be called in order to get the job to, well, get the job. For a long time I used my legal first name and then had to teach everyone my nickname; now I use my nickname and people only find out my real name when they have to email me. And I have a very traditional name (with a slightly less traditional nickname, think if my name is Annabelle and I go by Nancy, which is an old-timey nickname for Anne).

      2. Spooz*

        It’s the doing both that makes the LW come across as an absolute prat to me. Either you are happy to go by “John” which you KNOW is a SFW choice, or you are not and are willing to take the consequences of it. That and using ALL the novelty names. As commenters on the original post said, it comes across as being an edgelord – except with an added dose of cowardice.

        I don’t know if the OP confirmed their age and gender, but the whole thing screams early twenties immature boy to me.

        1. Flor*

          Yeah, I’d raise my eyebrows at someone wanting to use all three of their names if their name was Catherine Alice Jane [Surname]. They’re all extremely normal names where I’m from, but using all three every time I address or refer to a person would still feel like a lot.

          If OP really can’t abide their legal name, like if it’s a strongly gendered name that makes them feel dysphoric when it’s applied to them, then there are gender neutral options that would be fine on a resume. Wolf is fine. Shadow would make me do a double-take but people use nouns for names all the time, and maybe the parents are Neil Gaiman fans. Bones is getting into edgy territory unless their resume says JOHN “BONES” CARTER (though in that case OP would have to be prepared to explain why they go by Bones, and would need a semi-plausible mostly-true response like “My friends call me Bones because I’m a goth”).

          But all three? It’s a lot. And I’m not even touching Wolfskull as a name.

          1. sparkle emoji*

            Yeah, I think most people will accept a double barreled first name like Mary Beth or Jean Michel, but a three part name that you want people to use? And they’re all atypical names? You gotta pick a portion of the name or go by the initials if you want every part of the name acknowledged.

      3. Trotwood*

        I also wonder whether LW can come to terms with using their legal name at work and just being “Wolfskull” to their friends. I have a coworker who goes by a childhood nickname with all of his friends and family, but at work he uses his legal name. The nickname isn’t quite as unusual as “Wolfskull” but it would seem a little bit incongruous or juvenile at work. Sometimes different names are more appropriate for different contexts.

  3. jtr*

    LW 2, you are a Deity among bosses. Know that the rest of the team, outside of Patty Party, are SO thankful!!!

    1. Storytime*

      Late in the day…working from home due to COVID ended the policy of collecting money for events. LW noted some of the problems.

      Let me add what happened at my shop. Staff (spearheaded by the group admin) gave funds for Boss’s Day for a person who (you guessed it!) was often unpleasant and parsimonious. Staff collected for the Boss’s birthday as well, also spearheaded by the group admin. As luck would have it Boss’s Day and Boss’s Birthday are very close on the calendar.

      Finally, Boss had a birthday policy for everyone else. If you wanted birthday acknowledgement, you had to purchase the cake, cupcake or whatever and bring it to work to share. Sometimes people bought in cakes, but would really resent it when Boss would help themselves to the food.

      Working from home due to Covid put a stop to all this. We are now hybrid. A co-worker hired on during Covid inquired about acknowledging Boss’s birthday. They said Boss put them up to it. I told them no and provided the backstory. Unsure about the professional wisdom, but not it cannot start again.

      The group now acknowledges birthdays and Boss’s Day via email. I am very happy about that.

    2. Just Another Cog*

      I second this! I sure wish you, OP #2 was my boss at my last job! The constant fundraising for “occasions” was awful. I got so sick of being informed that my share was $20(!), that I did say that it was starting to get expensive for me, which got me eyerolls. When I mentioned it to our manager in private, she agreed that it was getting excessive, but never did a thing about it. We had two in the office who did the shopping on their own and it got more and more expensive as the years wore on. Last I heard, those two had both moved on.

  4. Miss Chanandler Bong*

    We have flexible PTO at my office. I have found it largely depends on the company, manager, and role, but it works very, very well for my company. They declared a day off for my department that wasn’t an official day off, but we could all take it. I got sick right after starting and didn’t have to worry about time off. There are specific times you can’t take off with my role anyway, and then we have lulls in workload where we take off. I took over a week off in October and I’m off again for a week in January. I also have the luxury of taking a day if I need it if we’ve been in a stressful period.

    My advice is to ask about what other time is provided off. My company also provides generous time off for holidays and parental leave, as well as your birthday off, so this was a good indicator of how their culture is surrounding flexible PTO.

    1. Lexi*

      One thing that people at my company have found is that bosses seem to think unlimited time off is roughly equivalent to the amount of time off you had when unlimited went into effect.

      Problem is that if you’ve been there for years and would have moved to a higher time off band on the old policy, they don’t mentally make that adjustment.

      I recommend that if your company is making this switch to unlimited, grab a copy of the old policy as backup in case you ever need to drop into a conversation that in the old days, you had enough tenure for an extra week off.

  5. Always Tired*

    Wolfskull Shadow Bones C! Thank you for the update. I have to agree with the boss that it isn’t the most professional name, but think of it as a larger part of code switching from work to social. (plenty of us do it in more subtle ways, I know a gal by Sam, but she is only every Samantha at work, a Beth Anne who is Beth at work and Anne to friends, etc.) Who I am at work is not who I am outside of work, and that’s pretty normal to an extent. By day I’m a friendly but no nonsense HR lady, and by night I am a glammed up metalhead who will never pass the opportunity for a dirty joke and curses enough to make a sailor blush.

    Also, as other speculated, I fear still having the full preferred name on the resume, even if it isn’t at the top, may come across as too precious.

    1. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      Yeah, I agree that the full preferred name anywhere on the resume (or in the cover letter) is likely not the way to go. Me, I do not share the name my friends and household use for me at work. I figure that I’ve already got quite a few factors against me, and I assume that the hiring team probably has a bunch of prejudices that they may feel empowered to act on by either discarding my resume or pushing it to the bottom of the pile. (And I live in the liberal parts of the West Coast; I can’t imagine how bad it is in parts of the US where sometimes people feel it’s okay to openly discriminate based on religion, and unfortunately I think it may be going to get worse before it gets better.)

      I can’t hide my body, or my cane, or some of the more obvious signs of neurodivergence during the interview process. I can hide my actual name, my gender, my religion, how goth exactly I am, and my preferred hair color. Some of those can come out after I’ve been hired and my co-workers are seeing my actual work performance in addition to my resume. Some of them come out to specific people where it seems safe. Some of them get hidden and I don’t share with anyone at work until I leave the job.

      In particular, I do not like to share the name I use on social media with the workplace, because once they have it, they can’t un-have it (unless they forget) but like Wolfskull Shadow Bones C. here, my name is pretty memorable, and mine is easy to look up. Which means that if I told my boss “My name is A.J. but I’d love it if you could call me Azure Lunatic”, my boss now has access to ammunition from my Tumblr or Bluesky to use against me, based on any prejudices she happens to have, or anything at all that might not be perfectly professional.

      Like if I said on Tumblr “today at work some guy said ‘Christ on a crispy cracker’ on an open line and I didn’t give him the worst possible score because he made me laugh” then six months later if my boss got curious and looked me up and back-read the last 6 months of my online presence, both Crispy Crackers guy and I could be in deep … Bantha fodder. Because the FCC does not have a sense of humor about swearing in the call center. (Which is why I got trained out of swearing at work, so much so that one of my managers started apologizing any time he swore near me despite me saying it was fine, until I dropped my quintuple F-bomb sentence, then he chilled out.)

      1. Resentful Oreos*

        I’m reminded of the early days of the Internet, when it was like the Wild West, and we were always cautioned to not put our full name, address, etc. out there for just anyone to see. You got to know and trust people first.

        I write fanfic and you bet your boots I’m not attaching my wallet name to what I write! And I don’t even work with kids or in a conservative industry.

        The one problem that used to exist with someone who used one name at work and the other at home and with friends, is when a friend or family member called in and asked to speak to someone by the name they did not use at work. Cue “we don’t have anyone by that name working here.” Definitely tell your friends and family to ask for AJ! In these days of cell phones, email, and fewer calls routed through a front desk, there is less likely to be such confusion.

        1. velveteen rabbit*

          Oh man, I have people I’ve known for going on two decades now who I’ve done everything with from going to cons to attending parents funerals and everything in between who are still in my phone as things like “Mary Turtletoes” because Turtletoes was their username on LiveJournal.

          The names I answer to most easily are a very common nickname of my official wallet name and a diminutive of the name I’ve used on message boards, LiveJournal, Tumblr, Twitter, Bluesky, etc etc since 2001. One of those is appropriate for work and is the one I use there and the other is what 90% of my friends know me as. There’s nothing actually inappropriate about the later, I just do *not* cross the streams between work and fandom.

          1. pandop*

            I have a friend from many internet fora ago, that I can completely cope with her MtF transition, but still first think of her by the username she had on the forum we met in many years ago.

            1. But Of Course*

              I have a bunch of friends from my LJ days who have no other name in my head than their username, whether or not I ever learned their government name. :)

          2. Grimalkin*

            I’m in a similar boat with an added wrinkle:
            There are… at least three names I answer to these days, each with a very specific subset of people who use them.
            There’s my wallet name, used by work and family and some friends, especially more distant ones or ones I’ve known for some time.
            There’s my Internet diminutive one–the username in question isn’t actually “Grimalkin”, but let’s use that for example. This is the one where it’s really a few names rolled into one–some might know me as Grim, some as Grima, some as Grimmy, maybe one contrarian friend uses the variation Malkie… and the distinctions tend to signify different communities where we bonded, so maybe the Tumblr folks know me as Grimmy but the folks from message boards default to Grima instead.
            And then there’s what’s my middle name on paper/legally, but is also becoming used as my first name with a specific subset of friends, particularly those who I’ve met recently or knew through the Internet first. So if you first knew me as Grim, you might be aware of my legal first name, but you’d be more likely to actually call me by my “middle name” if you weren’t just going straight to Grim.
            I’ve thought of trying to get family and work to use my “middle name” more, but reading through this comment section has helped me decide that nah, it’s fine to use different names with different folks, so long as people can connect them up in an emergency/when the streams cross.

        2. Ant*

          Oh man, my internet settings are usually airtight so I basically can’t be found online (which is kinda annoying at times because I can’t for the life of me remember how I did it, lol), but I didn’t think and set my ao3 handle to the same as my instagram profile, so my then-girlfriend’s cousin found my ao3 by googling my instagram! Very very quickly locked down my privacy settings on instagram and changed my ao3 handle, so now all that comes up when you search that username is my locked instagram account – was a very good lesson in how easy it can be to find what you want to keep hidden if you’re not always properly careful about it!

      2. nonbeenary*

        As a fellow person-with-a-cane, I very much feel this. When I worked in a more conservative industry, I came into work and transformed into my cisgender, neurotypical worksona. I was out to some of my coworkers, but to clients who I only saw once a month for five minutes, or to customer service reps I’d never talk to again, I was fine being she/her’d and called the wrong name. Now I’m in a very liberal industry and have my pronouns in my email signature. But I think even here a name like Wolfskull Shadow Bones would be a bit difficult for people to swallow – Wolf/Wolfie, Skully, Bones, or even Shadow might be easier. It sucks to have to compromise your identity, but it might be useful for Wolfskull to find a “close enough” nickname to use at work instead. The further you progress in your career, and the more strong connections you make, the more you can “get away with,” so to speak.

    2. Wolf*

      At my employer, you get hired with your legal name, but you’re free to enter your own preferred name in your profile during onboarding, and that’s what your coworkers see in Teams and Outlook.

      1. Bumblebee*

        That would be so great. It took me a solid year at my institution to change things from my first-but-never-used name to my middle name that I use every day. A year. And some of my older log-ins to systems that aren’t SSO yet are still messed up.

    3. Ganymede II*

      I wear clothes in the office that I do not wear at home, and vice-versa. Think of your preferred name like work clothes – you can get away with a certain amount of personalization (fun pattern shirt! Cute tie!), but not all of it (pyjamas are out, so it almost all lounge wear). For example, saying you go by “Wolf” as suggested in the above thread is you “office suit” name: enough you that it doesn’t feel like deadnaming, but not so far out of the norm that it feels like you came to work in pyjamas.

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, a resume with even a “subtle” (?) inclusion of “Wolfskull Shadow Bones C” as your name would be binned by almost any prospective employer.

      If you genuinely want a job then I recommend rejoicing in your preferred name in your private/social life and sticking to something conventional for your job applications and work life.

      1. Zona the Great*

        I’m confused about this because it does appear that this person gave out their real name. Unless someone went out and made an IG profile with this name.

        1. pumpkinn*

          Based on the tags it’s real. It also clarifies that a teenager wrote that, which makes a whole lot more sense than an adult. Hopefully someone gets through to them that there’s no reason to put that on your resume. Or frankly even bring it to work. I don’t even argue with my coworkers that I don’t like nicknames!

    2. Strive to Excel*

      In fairness, the job market right now is terrible for people with the whitest of white bread names and impeccable resumes. I agree that there could be some steps taken to make the name more professional, but sometimes it takes time.

    3. Resentful Oreos*

      I noticed that. Taking this long to find a job *could* be because the LW is trying to find a job in a saturated or niche market/industry, but it could also be that their name is off-putting to potential bosses or recruiters.

  7. Three Flowers*

    #1, please know I want to say this really kindly and I apologize if it doesn’t come across that way. I think it’s great that you are known at work by a different name, and I hope that (based on your first letter) that doesn’t cause any dysphoria for you! But you should know that when your boss says your preferred name seems unprofessional, part of what she means is it sounds really, really immature. I’m not goth so I don’t know how it reads in the subculture, but as a person who’s probably close to your boss’s age or maybe a little younger, my first impression is, and this is harsh but honest, 1990s fanfiction.net username of a 16-year-old. (Which tells you something about me, and is totally fine…on the internet! At an open mic! But not at work!) So yes, using a different name at work probably is going to help you be taken seriously…but you may want to keep an open mind about using a more conventional name in other settings too. Buying a car/getting a car loan, signing a lease, getting a doctor to believe your symptoms (which, depending on your gender and racial presentation, may be challenging anyway), etc are all things where you lead with your name and you very much need to come across as a mature adult. And yes, you will have better luck in your job search.

    Also, don’t try to subtly work in your name in your application materials if it’s not the name on your resume and the one you use at work. People will be confused at best, and at worst, they’ll think you copy-pasted a cover letter and forgot to even fix your own name.

    1. FricketyFrack*

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought “fanfic name” with that – it wouldn’t be out of place in My Immortal, and like it or not, it just won’t go over well with the vast majority of people. There are plenty of goth-leaning names that aren’t so over the top. Wolf? A little unusual but totally fine. Shadow? Eh, maybe the parents were just a little out there. Bones? Probably not a great idea. Wolfskull Shadow Bones C? I would assume that person is A Lot, especially with the added context of it being a chosen name.

      I appreciate you adding other settings where that name is likely to be a hindrance. Obviously this is a place to focus on work, but there are a lot of areas where, like it or not, people will judge and make it a problem.

      1. Three Flowers*

        I also thought of My Immortal but went with a slightly less niche comparison! (Somehow I actually got through the late 90s/early 00s on ffnet without reading it and I’m sure it’s beyond obscure now. Fellow commenters, if you’re wondering what we’re talking about, it is arguably the most legendarily bananapants fanfic ever written. Google with care and hold onto your butt.)

        1. But Of Course*

          My Immortal was all over the original comment thread. It’s not niche or obscure to this commentariat.

      2. Guacamole Bob*

        Agree with your comments, except that I think Bones is about on par with Shadow as workable in the right context. There’s a TV show with that name based on it being a nickname that one main character calls the other, and it was the doctor’s nickname on Star Trek, too. I’d assume there was some sort of backstory involving star trek fan parents or a pre-med friend group and move on.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Yeah, it very much reads as “teen who just discovered goth and thinks they’re super edgy.” Or someone making up the most over-the-top name they can think of to make fun of goths. And the fact that LW appears to have only anonymized their last name instead of putting like, Foxmoon Raven Knife Smith, adds to the impression that this person is A Lot and wants everyone to know it.

      Most of us do not bring our whole unfiltered selves to work, and that’s okay! even good! Be as cringe as you want (I really dislike the idea that enthusiasm or sincerity is a bad thing) but know your audience.

  8. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    #1 I think this is an example of where you should NOT bring your whole self to work, just the sanitised professional version
    e.g. I am a naturist but I never turned up at work in the noddy – or turned up nude to a job interview.

    1. mcdonalds grimace*

      I have a lot of warm feelings towards you Wolfskull and think its really cool that you’ve picked something that feels right for you – but, yes, as someone who is queer & ND & a bunch of other stuff, unfortunately the ‘bring your whole self to work’ is for a very few number of people. The rest of us, well, we need money to live too.
      While I do think its important to be honest on your resume & cover letter, it is also a marketing tool, and you are conveying to your employer ‘I am good at what I do and my work would be an asset to the business and I will make my team’s workload and work life easier’.
      So anything that would be considered ‘quirky’ needs to smoothed out a little. A little dash of personality but not too much! It’s very difficult to strike this balance, however.
      I do think there’s something to be said for name-based discrimination (we assume a lot of things about people based on their names – their gender, their race, their background and class, and by extension how good they’ll be at their job) so it is unfortunately normal for people who have ordinary names, to choose a slightly different name for their resume.

      Overall – unless you are blessed enough to not really need a job – I would probably leave your chosen name off your resume.

      1. Azure Jane Lunatic*

        Agreed – I also have a bunch of whole self that I didn’t bring to work. The only overtly quirky item on my resume is “ensured adequate caffeination” among other duties in a team assistant role. Which got brought up at the interview for my subsequent position, as coffee is an important part of Facilities work in the role I worked.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes, when they say “bring your whole self to work” there are definitely parts of that which are inappropriate to bring to work so what they mean is “bring your professional whole self to work in a way which broadly conforms with our workplace.”

          So it’s fine where I work for Joe to be open about his pending wedding to his boyfriend Tommy and for Firouze to request adjustments to working hours and fewer site visits during Ramadan and for Lucy to ask for vegetarian food at the awayday. But the things people want you to bring are things they can easily fix or respect.

          There are parts of your personal life that you don’t bring to work because they’re inappropriate or unnecessary. I mean I love dancing but I don’t cha cha around the office and pirouette at the tea point.

          1. londonedit*

            Oh god you’ve just reminded me of the letter about the guy who wanted to be able to do martial-arts moves around the office, because he was just so into martial arts and couldn’t stop himself from busting out martial arts moves all over the place in his daily life. Very much an example of where it’s not appropriate to bring your ‘whole self’ to work! Talk about the competition you won at the weekend, absolutely. Mention you’re going on a week-long martial arts retreat and you can’t wait to try out some new moves. No problem at all. Use the rucksack from your gym as your work bag. Whatever. Let people know you’re into martial arts. But do not, for the love of all that’s holy, bust out martial arts moves in the office. Especially not because you think you’re so cool and edgy that you just can’t stop yourself.

            1. But Of Course*

              I just never want to be known as “edgy” in an office. It’s not a compliment! I want to be known as “good at what I do”. “Wears unusual clothes” is fine, especially with “rocked that media opportunity last week”. “Edgy” speaks of, at best, real immaturity, immaturity that will hold you back.

      2. Spooz*

        I think it’s somewhat different when you’re making assumptions based on someone’s chosen name. No one has any control over what their parents pick for them as an infant. If you’re choosing yourself a new name (assuming you’re not moving abroad, for example, and might not have the full context of your new country) then you’re not doing it in a cultural vacuum. You KNOW how your name is going to come across (or at least you have an idea in your head) and you’re CHOOSING to come across that way. I think it’s fairer to make assumptions under those circumstances, although I would just take it as a possible piece of the whole picture and not judge based on that one thing alone.

    2. Tea Monk*

      Yes, I’m a very intense person who loves anime and obscure indie games but everyone else is trying to get through the day so I talk about the TPS reports instead. I worry Im a little too guarded but it’s very hard to fake the right persona

  9. Yes Anastasia*

    I suggest that the LW from the first update use their middle name on their resume. LW, your middle name is a name you are happy using at work, so there’s no need to confuse the matter and put the burden on your boss and coworkers to decide which of three different names they should call you.

    (If you are concerned about job references recognizing your name, you can include your first initial – for instance, E. Allan Poe, perhaps with a note accompanying your references that you’ve previously gone by Edgar.)

    If you ever find yourself in a job where the vibes are right, you can let people know you also go by Wolfskull – but very few workplaces will fit this criteria.

  10. Anonymous White Collar 420 Enthusiast*

    OP1: I am a big ol’ stoner and I leave my pot leaf earrings for the weekend. I am able to share info on knowledgeable and helpful local medical dispensaries with folks at work when appropriate (read: when someone asks if I know anything about medical use I tell them Bernie’s Bud has a reputation for great education and Genna’s Greenery has a reputation for really helpful staff but Farrah’s 420 aren’t known to be very welcoming, they don’t need to know how I know).

    But do I hang “my drug of choice is Jesus, oh wait it’s weed” cross stitch on my office wall? No. Do I take bong rips with clients? Holy bananas, no. There are some parts of myself that are just for me and my off the clock world. I also don’t provide my professional services off the clock! Same idea, just in reverse.

  11. Brooklynlite*

    Depending on the state, you might not be able to make Wolfskull Shadow Bones C a legal name change. I think that’s a huge part of what separates it from an unusual but still “professional” name. I do wonder if slipping it into your applications is actually hurting you. Maybe run your materials by Alison privately.

  12. Elio*

    OP#2 you rule! I am not in favor of pressure to donate money at work, so I’m glad you policy is to not allow it.

    I am not surprised one of the people has a “love language” of giving gifts with other people’s money.

  13. Jen*

    Wolfskull Shadow Bones – people don’t go naked to work to show their true self. Likewise, you are not obligated to pick a name that demonstrates your naked personality.

    Names are handles for people to address you and should preferably not be too distracting from how they are being used – they’re just a way to address you! Pick something that’s a reasonable compromise between what you like and what will make life easy for others ( no one wants to be wondering whether to call you Wolfskull Shadow Bones or just one of those). No one – literally no one – should expect people to address them by 3 first names. So don’t put 3 first names on your resume.

    As to what you pick – I like Wolf or Shadow. I think Shadow is kind of pretty. Even better, translate Wolf or Skull into another language and use that. Remus is kind of associated with wolf. Shadow in Greek is Skia, also pretty. Calvaria is Latin for skull. Lycaeus if you’re not too into making people’s lives easier. You get the picture.

    If you don’t think that life should consist of a compromise between you doing you and you trying to make others’ lives easier, that could be why your job search is more difficult. People want coworkers who try at least a little to be like that.

    1. Spooz*

      “If you don’t think that life should consist of a compromise between you doing you and you trying to make others’ lives easier, that could be why your job search is more difficult. People want coworkers who try at least a little to be like that.”

      Spot on.

  14. Zippity Doodah*

    LW1, Im pretty sure someone in your situation, but with a parent-inflicted name, has written in and been given the same advice you were, and maybe even described the results of having taken that advice. quirky names are hard to hire.

  15. ElliottRook*

    re LW #1- while I think it is A Lot to put a full name (middle names included) on a resume, I smell a lot of transphobia in the comments telling this person not to use the name they chose. It’s 2024, I wouldn’t bat an eye at a colleague named Wolfskull. Some people have hippie parents, some people aren’t white-Christian-cishet and it could be a (translated) name from a different culture, and I wouldn’t put any more thought into it than that.

    I also have a chosen name with 4 names (legally changed, though), and I go by the second name. 90% of the time I’m simply Elliott [Lastname], but on more official stuff I’ll put [Initial] Elliott [Initial] [Lastname]. I don’t see any problem with putting down Wolfskull S.B. C[lastname] and going by Wolfskull at work.

    1. ASD always*

      The difference for Wolfskull Shadow Bones isn’t that the chosen name fails the white-Christian-cis-het name test, it’s that as others have said it brings to mind a young, immature teenager who has just learned about their new favourite subculture.

      A non-binary friend whose legal name is [a plant-related noun that’s never otherwise used as a person’s name] just had me wonder whether it was a nickname when we were introduced, because while unexpected it didn’t have the same baggage of association.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      Yeah, I think the really problem here is the list of names. I think my advice in the original post was just to use “Wolfskull Carter” (or whatever their surname is) or heck “Shadow Carter” or “Bones Carter.” The last sounds a bit odd, but *shrugs* people have unusual names.

      But the whole thing is just a bit too much. Even if somebody were talking about wanting to change their name to Lucinda MaryAnne Caroline or Richard Jasper Maximillion, I’d probably recommend they just put Lucinda M.C. Surname or Richard J.M Surname on their resume or even better just Lucinda Surname or Richard Surname. A string of uncommon names seems “a lot,” especially as presumably, you wouldn’t be expecting your coworkers to address you as Wolfskull Shadow Bones (or Lucinda MaryAnne Caroline) in regular conversation.

      The fact that the names all fall into a particular category (sort of horror fiction/Halloweeny stuff) and that they aren’t traditional names adds to the risk of their being seen as unprofessional.

      Not to ignore the fact that transphobia may well affect people’s views (including those of employers) but honestly, I wouldn’t see that name and think “possibly trans/non-binary.” I’d just assume “goth”.

      But yeah, I agree there is no reason the person shouldn’t use Wolfskull (or just Wolf if they are OK with being called that and want to be a bit extra cautious) on their resume. In fact, I think putting Wolf Carter or even Wolfskull Carter or Wolfskull S.B. Carter would probably raise less eyebrows than “John Carter, aka Wolfskull S.B. Carter”.

      It’s just the full thing that seems a bit like “I want everybody to know how hardcore I am.” Not saying this is true of the LW. The names may well be meaningful and a good choice for them in their personal life, but I think a lot of people, especially those who are completely unaware of the existance of nonbinary people, will just assume “kid who wants to show how goth they are.”

      1. UKDancer*

        Yeah I’d not think trans/nb with that particular name. My mind would go with goth / excessively interested in being edgy.

        That said most of the goths I know tend to have fairly normal names for work and wear black but which conforms to our dress code and then rock their goth identities at weekends and evenings. I work with 3 goths who play it down at work and they all have names like Bill and Susan although I gather this may change in their social circles after hours.

      2. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Yeah, it was the length of the name that gave me pause here. I kept thinking about those (southern?) names you sometimes hear about like Jefferson Peyton Archibald Remington III. Like, if you’re applying somewhere where people know Jefferson Peyton Archibald Remington Junior and it will give you a leg up, fine, put that on your resume, I guess, but otherwise just use Jefferson Remington and call it a day.

        “Wolf Carter” is how you’re going to get an interview. Wolfskull Shadow Bones Carter can be your display name on Slack once you get hired. Legal Name is what you’ll be in HR.

      3. SimonTheGreyWarden*

        Yeah. I have four names (kept my maiden name and middle name when i got married, but made the maiden name a second middle name). My husband and son both have four names (we all have two middle names and use my maiden name; it was a way to keep it “alive”. You bet I don’t use all four at work. Some people use the two last names as if I hyphenated them, which is fine, but I use [Firstname] [initial] [initial] [lastname] for everything else.

      4. sparkle emoji*

        Yeah and I remember the sheer quantity of names LW wants people to be used was discussed in the comments last time. Even double barreled names can be hard to get people to use consistently. There have been letters here on that challenge! A triple barrel name of any kind is just a lot.

        Also, this specific name will get a reaction. If LW is still happy with it and its worth it to them, that’s great but I think it’s fair for people to point that out given they asked for advice.

        I agree that they should pick 1 of the three that they actually want people to use and stick to that. They can go by the whole name socially, but make it easy at work and on the resume.

    3. Fluffy Fish*

      It’s not transphobia. It’s the reality of having a name that is far outside the bounds of societal norms. There’s nothing “trans” about their name. As others have stated its a very fantasy novel name.

      People are rightfully pointing out that it’s far enough outside the norms that a lot of people are going to think it’s either a joke (and not hire them) or make assumptions about who this individual is (and not hire them).

      You are completely disregarding that they are struggling to get even interviews.

      1. Dragonself (they/them)*

        People send in letters and leave comments on this site every day asking why they can’t get interviews, even for jobs they’re qualified for, and presumably some of them have “normal” names. This is not unusual.

        1. Fluffy Fish*

          Sure do and there’s lots of reasons. In this case the reason is most likely to be the chosen name being very much outside societal norms.

          It’s interesting that for example its a know issue for black people with a non white sounding name to not get interviews, but people are struggling to wrap their head around why OP’s name is very likely presenting a challenge.

          Name discrimination is absolutely a very really phenomenon.

    4. pumpkinn*

      There’s a ton of people suggesting ways to make their name more work appropriate, not just to use their legal name (and frankly it’s bizarre you’re assuming they’re trans based on their name…)

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        It’s funny that some people are assuming queer, some are assuming goth, and meanwhile I would have assumed “teenager” if I saw that, which doesn’t rule out the first two options also being true of a teen, they’re just not what my mind would go to first.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          The reason I wouldn’t think “teenager” in this context is that it sounds to me like the LW is applying to graduate-typed jobs and presumably has their degree mentioned on their resume.

    5. Dragonself (they/them)*

      Some of these comments are more transphobic than others. Glad to know for sure that there are queer professionals who don’t respect me because I have a weird gender.

      I wonder what these people would say to the young Black man I knew as an intern who introduced himself as his full unusual name, let’s say it was Methuselah P. Kumkani the Fourth. To us, he was a memorable for it, but even more so for being a conscientious young man who had no trouble speaking his mind, because that’s who he was.

      Wolfskull- your name is your name. It is the truth of the world that people like this are out there, who will respect you less because of it. You may decide that to shorten it is the best choice. You may decide to stay the course. No one can make this decision for you, but wishing you the best. I hope that people can see you for your qualities rather than any prejudices they might have.

      1. Jen*

        Methuselah P. Kumkani the Fourth has one first name, one middle initial, one last name, and one generational signifier. It’s much clearer to others how to address him, and the name doesn’t have any distracting meanings. This is very different. No one is arguing Methuselah should change his name.

        1. Dragonself (they/them)*

          I really don’t see why if someone introduced themself as a series of names like Wolfskull’s how it’s any different. Just use the first one unless they say they like people to address them as the first two, etc. As for distracting meanings, “Methuselah” is a stand-in, but it conveys the idea that it was religious in origin, and a slang term that could be used derogatorily (you’ve never heard of an older man being called a Methuselah?)

          1. sparkle emoji*

            Is there some cultural context we should have here? Because I personally have never heard an older man referred to as a Methuselah?

          2. Jen*

            I figured it was a standin.

            Most names have some meaning. They should. The question is more do they have some really clear non-name pictorial or historical meaning. Like naming someone Napoleon Bonaparte – I wouldn’t recommend that on anyone. Or Chastity. Some names have some clear meaning like “Joy” but have by convention become names too, and they don’t really cause me to picture Joy when I say it, so it’s somewhat better.

            Three first names plus a last name are very different from the Methuselah example you gave.

    6. Jen*

      Here to chime in that Wolfskull does not associate with being trans to me. Maybe with being goth or into some fanfic subculture?

      Clearly, both you and others who aren’t hiring the OP think that there’s a merit to using a somewhat more innocuous name – like Elliott for example. I have an unusual name, it wasn’t my choice, but I haven’t changed it, so I’m not arguing everyone bend over backwards to blend in.

    7. sparkle emoji*

      In the original letter, they talked about wanting to use all three names. Plenty of people had the same suggestion that you have to use one name and either use initials for the other 2 names or leave them off.

    8. Robin*

      I’m trans, just to get that out of the way, and I did deal with changing my name. I’d be totally fine with Wolfskull C. The issue is that based on their original comments, they didn’t want to be called “Wolfskull”, they wanted to be called “Wolfskull Shadow Bones”. That’s where I think a lot of people are running into trouble.

    9. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      It’s not transphobia, I didn’t necessarily think it would be a typical thing for a trans person. It just screams “immature teen goth”. And it’s not workplace appropriate unless they work in a haunted house.

  16. Rincewind*

    Agreed. The triple title is too much. Wolfskull is unusual but not /that/ weird as a name. I once knew a girl named Cowboy.

    For a professional name on your resume I’d stick with Wolfskull C. Unless you really plan to ask people to call you the whole thing, it doesn’t need to be on your resume, even the initials.

    Note to anyone trans who is applying for jobs – remember that you can ABSOLUTELY use your chosen name on your resume, your cover letter, in the interview, all the way until the signing documents part. You can take an offer letter, call up HR, and say “I’m accepting this offer but it’s written out to my professional alias, I need it noted that my legal name is [x]”. You are under no obligation to explain anything to anyone.

  17. Irish Teacher.*

    LW2, people need to realise that to the extent that this “love language” thing has any validity at all, it’s only about how you express your love, not how you demand others do. The whole point of it seems to be being reversed. I would have thought the idea was to point out that you shouldn’t get upset if people don’t show their affection in the way you would because they may have different “love languages”.

    But it seems like people are doing the opposite and using it to vocally demand people show affection in the same way they do rather than using it to gain awareness that, “oh right, the fact that nobody gives me gifts doesn’t mean they don’t care about me. Mary always covers my shift when I need time off and John always makes a point of checking in with me whenever I have a bad day and Grace remembers all the details of my life and that means they really care.”

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      I thought it was more that you’re supposed to adapt love languages to the person you love. They say it’s acts of services so you do things for them. They say it’s gifts, you try to give them things in a thoughtful way.

      “Bullying people into contributing to the gift I can’t afford to give alone” is not a love language.

      Oh, and love languages are about love relationships (clue is right there in the name), and it’s totally inappropriate for work.

  18. Crencstre*

    OP1: Glad to hear that you didn’t wind up with pie on your face!

    In addition to everything else that’s wrong about this, it would require the person getting pied to either bring a whole set of clothes that they don’t mind being ruined OR accept that their work clothes WILL be ruined! Getting certain stains – and especially oil! – out of clothes is a nightmare at best, impossible at worst. And who wants to either lug a “home day / cleaning clothes” outfit to work only to have it splattered with pie?!

    BTW, I really hope that anyone throwing pies at anyone else is making those pies out of safe but non-edible materials. We have enough people going hungry without wasting food!

  19. Respect for Names*

    Regarding OP #1 (both this post and the original), something important I didn’t see mentioned was that many Native American and First Nations names include references to animals and other natural items (cloud, ground, sky, star, etc.).

    So to all those who said they wouldn’t consider a candidate with a name like “Wolfskull Shadow Bones C,” please consider the judgment you are making. You have no idea how someone got their name. I understand that this letter writer chose their name and that’s why some commenters think it’s “immature” or “unprofessional,” but for all those in charge of reviewing resumes and hiring, I hope in the future you’ll keep in mind you may judging the naming conventions of a culture different than yours.

    2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      Here, it’s a chosen name which tells us far too much about OP for anyone to want to hire them. Nothing to do with Native Americans or First Nations people.

      And if it were a given name, in a comment above, Bast tells us of “someone who had a name very similar to “Sunshine Crystal LastName”. She generally introduced herself as “Sunny”.”
      I’m pretty sure if OP wrote in saying that his given name was Wolfskull Shadow Bones, Alison would suggest shortening it to Wolf for the purposes of getting an interview.

  20. bobo*

    For Update #3…am I dumb or is it still not clear if this is unlimited PTO or all PTO in one bucket?

    My job has “open” PTO (I guess????) in that there is no separation between sick time, etc. But I still only get a certain amount of hours.

  21. The Penultimate They/Them*

    I hardly ever comment, but I’m really saddened as a trans person that came out at work this week by all the transphobia in these comments directed at #1. And yes, it is transphobia. Saying it’s about professionalism when folks on this site know “professionalism” is often made up of cishet racist norms isn’t helping anyone’s case. This is something I’ve experienced a lot from transphobes in an age where we’re hypervisible. Often people feel uncomfortable being directly transphobic because they might experience social consequences, so they’ll wrap it up in other gripes or things about it being “too hard” to use our pronouns. Not to mention everyone acting like OP is being hypersensitive when their boss literally told them their name is unprofessional? It’s bad to play into the transphobic stereotype that trans folks are asking too much from others by existing and asking for basic respect.

    I think people are getting really thrown off by the fact this is a chosen name. For all those talking about fanfic, teenagerish sounding names, whatever…I want you to ask, what would you do if you met a cis person with this name? As in, a parent-inflicted name? Would you tell them their name is unprofessional? Somehow, I doubt. Do y’all think it’s ridiculous to refer to Wolfgang Mozart as well, Wolfgang Mozart? Or Wolfgang Van Halen? Or even if the name IS ridiculous (think those white people names with seven different vowels, Kayleighlee, etc), you’d probably quietly think they were cursed with a bad name/cast some judgment on their parents, but you wouldn’t consider calling them anything else unless they requested it because that’s who they are. This isn’t that different. I mean, comments are literally comparing this person using their name to being a nudist or using illicit drugs.

    From a trans person: You lose nothing by respecting trans people’s identities. You should call people what they want to be called. (Unless it’s a Bloody Mary, evil-demon-summoning kind of situation.) I’m not saying any of the commentariat are virulent transphobes, but I am saying there might be work for folks to do here.

    Some actual thoughts for Wolfskull:
    Sorry this is happening to you – congrats on your internship! I’m glad you have a backup name that seems not to make you uncomfortable. Hope you’re able to carve out the space to be who you are someday soon. Your chosen name is rad, even if it’s not my style. I think if you’re going to rename yourself, you might as well pick the coolest thing in the world to you, otherwise it’s a wasted opportunity. Fwiw, I think your boss calling your name unprofessional is, well…unprofessional! And probably has something to do with their own internal biases. You shared something vulnerable with them and they reacted poorly.

    As for how to handle from here, that one’s up to you. It seems like ‘Shadow Bones C’ are a set of middle names though, and omitting those on future apps might read better to others – it’s a bit of a mouthful, think someone wanting to go by Annemarie Emily-Wisconsin Jones. Names stick better for people when they roll off the tongue easier, and sometimes it’s worth it to make that trade off. I think for future applications, you’d benefit most by going with your legal middle name as your ‘professional’ name or just “Wolfskull (lastname)”. Even if you’d like to be called the full thing in the actual job, it might be best to share that after you’re already hired so folks don’t have the opportunity to discriminate against you.

    Thanks for writing in with this update, I’m rooting for you.

    1. PurpleLove Child Honey Badger the Third ne Head Sheep Counter*

      I don’t understand the fullness of your comment. One one hand you blast folk as transphobic and then on the other you re-iterate the very points everyone has been making about the name being… something one might wish to package differently. Your last paragraph in particular is stated in different forms though out the feedback here.

      Perhaps your bone to pick is on how people are expressing themselves about the content of the many names… but isn’t that actually the point of having a showboat of a name? I wouldn’t name myself PurpleLove Child Honey Badger the Third if I didn’t expect Comments and Opinions. Hopefully if I identified as a showboat of a name I’d embrace that fully.

      I don’t recall if this writer is trans or not.

      If I received this resume with the full name in the header or somehow “hidden” in the body, I’d have a number of concerns and trans wouldn’t have even been on the list. If I managed to interview the person and they insisted on all of the names as the only way to address them, I’d not hire them.

      1. The Penultimate They/Them*

        I’m going to reply to this because it seems to be in good faith, but I do want to acknowledge at the top how Not Okay the vibes of ‘throwing together a bunch of arbitrary words to make fun of trans people’s names’ are to me. Like, we’re a couple inches to the left of “I identify as a helicopter” jokes here and other anti-trans dogwhistles, so if that isn’t your intention, you might want to do some further listening and learning on this subject.

        The first part of my comment is meta on the reactions in the comments and the things fueling them, trying to be really fair in my answer and share my perspective as a trans person. To be clear, I think in a perfect world, OP could go by whatever they damn well please. The second part of my comment is the more practicable advice, and I think the majority of comments here demonstrate the need for it. The world, unfortunately, is full of transphobia and also just judgy folks and sometimes our survival means adapting. How much of ourselves we sacrifice to do that is an intimate and personal choice, and I posed some suggestions. To me, truncating a name, omitting middle names, feels different than using the wrong name. I think the meta issue isn’t just the advice being given, but the way people are talking down to OP – there are folks in the comments calling them precious, comparing what they want to going into the office nude, etc. It’s pretty unreasonable if you’re approaching from the framework of “This can’t fly, but that’s the work world, it’s not you.” Like, hopefully the commentariat wouldn’t be reacting this way if it was someone with a really long cultural name, like, “Oh, honey, you just can’t do that”. It’d be more a conversation about what that person needs to exist at work in a way that’s comfortable for them in our biased world, and I think that’s what OP deserves here too.

        As for the OP being trans, you can go read the previous post – OP explicitly refers to themself as LGBT+ and talks about having a chosen name. It seems pretty trans to me, though they might prefer other labels. There’s also the fact that it’s possible OP looks visibly queer in some way that’s affecting the process, so even if you didn’t jump there, an interviewer in person might. Functionally, I honestly don’t even think it matters if OP is trans or not, though. We should actually respect people’s names/name changes regardless of if they have Big Serious reasons. It costs us little to nothing. If you accept trans people, but only “normal” trans people or trans people who perform their genders in a way that makes you comfortable…well, spoiler, you still have an issue with trans people. You just only pick on the ones who you can get away with bullying.

        The fact that you’d refuse to hire them only on the basis of their name seems pretty unkind.
        I agree hiding the name elsewhere in the application is odd though, and that’s why I advocated for consistency in their application materials above. I hope this helps clarify.

        2. Head Sheep Counter*

          Thank you for replying. I realize that shifting the burden of explanation is work. I was snarky in my reply. The thrown together word salad is how this name is and will be perceived. I think that’s why it gets such a strong reaction. While one can and should be encouraged to be authentic, its hard to imagine what authenticity means to this version of words. It reads like a prank at best or as someone to avoid at worst (the aggressive vaguely white supremacy vibe).

          My response about not hiring someone who insisted on being addressed by a unusual unusually long multiple name name at work is based on the fact if one is putting their best foot forward (eg an interview) and their largest concern is their name… I don’t honestly think they’d be a good fit at this point in their career for any position I’d be hiring for. I can’t imagine the practicalities of how work works with a 30 second intro when most of us require 2-4 seconds. Its a big red HR Flag of potential issues and conflict.

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