updates: my boss threatened himself, inappropriate music in a family-friendly store, and more

by Alison Green on December 19, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My boss threatened to kill himself over a minor work issue (#2 at the link)

You and most of the comments told me to report my boss to HR or up the chain to our department lead, and consider reporting him to authorities for his safety. My boss lived in a different state (we were remote) and leadership already actively disliked him, so I was afraid that if I reported him to HR he would be fired and then actually harm himself.

I reached out to my coworker to see how things had been for her, and she told me that she had been having issues with our boss as well. He had been taking credit for her work, asking her to do his work and provide it to him through text so it wasn’t on company property, making her work during PTO, and calling her and crying about losing his job. She told me he was highly manipulative and I realized that he had been using my sympathies against me to take the heat off of him.

After that things started going downhill even faster, my department leader was let go, and thus the only buffer between my team and the leadership that had been causing issues was gone. The leader that was put in charge of social media was now overseeing our team. A week later I’m told that I no longer report to my boss, but instead to this leader.

This broke my (now former) boss, and he would call me frequently to say how scared he was about losing his job and that they were out to get him, and would ask me to affirm that he was a good boss to me. Things were awkward, with my former boss asking me to do work without input from the new leader. Then my former boss rolled out a new product too early, causing some issues and a mess to clean up. The next week, my boss was let go.

Leadership told us that they were committed to fixing the department and a consultant was then hired to revamp it, but a week later he was let go because he “didn’t do anything.” About a month later they hired an assistant for the president, and suddenly I had to work with her on some of my major tasks. The assistant also asked me to show her how different programs worked and how I did some of my work. I was suspicious that I was next on the chopping block and offered to show her more in depth at a later time, but she brushed me off.

My suspicions were correct because just a few days later I was laid off and my coworker was offered a demotion or the option to take severance. I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t really prepared to be let go that quickly. But I was also happy to be free of the stress and drama, and no longer having to worry about everything.

This was not the update I expected to share, but in the end my mental health is much better and I’m taking this time to recharge and viewing it as a long vacation.

Thank you to everyone for your advice, it really did help me get through a difficult time and I frequently read over the comments. Hopefully my next job is a much healthier environment!

2. Manager plays inappropriate music in a family-friendly store (#2 at the link)

The music continued to play for well over a month before she switched to other music on her own. The disgusting song didn’t come back for the rest of my time there, and she plays more mainstream songs. I’m not sure if that was because a complaint went through or she just decided to change the music.

Several commenters tried to guess the song in question but none of them were it. When I googled the lyrics, nothing came up. I can only assume the music didn’t have an actual record label behind it and was some sort of garage band home job CD. The sound quality was good, so someone had a decent setup, but it wasn’t an officially released song.

On the plus side, I moved out of state a few months ago and am continuing my life away from the store and the toxic manager. According to friends among the staff, she still works there, and bullies the staff for not working fast enough. She manages to keep it just below the threshold of crossing legal lines, such as trying to push unpaid work. But it’s apparently a job that doesn’t exactly get the cream of the crop employee-wise due to the hours and minimum wage pay. So people who work there now are sort of desperate to get a job and not likely to produce high turnover rates.

Nevertheless, I am free and clear, and going to a local college for a degree in a better field.

3. How am I supposed to contact a friend of my dad’s? (#4 at the link)

I wrote to you about how I had moved to a new city, and my dad was pushing me to get in touch with an old colleague of his. At the time I was a bit annoyed (my parents have always been a little too in my business), but you encouraged me to meet the contact. We had a nice coffee, he was very friendly, spoke warmly of my dad, and welcomed me to the city with some tips for fun things to do. About a year later my dad was in town and we all went to a nice lunch.

Alison, my dad passed away this year. After he died, I reached out to his colleague to share the sad news, and he replied with a lovely and thoughtful note. In addition, my dad was an expert in a niche topic, and ran a popular website about it for a number of years, in addition to writing some books. It was through this topic that he met his old colleague. I am a writer as well, and after giving it much thought, decided to take over the website and continue his work. His colleague was delighted to hear about it and said he would be happy to help.

Although my dad’s nagging annoyed me at the time, I’m so glad now that I honored his wishes and met his friend.

4. Is a past run for office keeping me from getting job interviews? (#5 at the link)

I got a new job with the candidate info still on my resume! It was actually pretty quick (I had submitted the application before I wrote to you/had the letter answered). I started in mid-November. It’s a much bigger org than I’m used to, but I’m excited for this next step in my career.

I hope to be here for a long time, but when the time comes, I’m still going to remove the candidacy from my resume moving forward and just leave it on my LinkedIn.

Thanks again so much for all your amazing advice! Commenters, too — y’all are great.

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{ 39 comments }

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    3. leeapeea*

      Came here to say the same. I think I would have felt similarly to your original letter if my dad asked me to look up an old work buddy, especially earlier in my career. Now that I’m 25-ish years into my work life, I have seen and experienced warm, respectful, long-term work related friendships, such as your dad and his colleague had. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you got the chance to experience another aspect of him before he passed.

  2. L*

    So wait, #2 WASN’T Sean Kingston? I have to admit, I thought the original post was a little overreacting to a song that was on top 40 radio and played on pop music stations regularly – even if I can see how it rubs people the wrong way. But now I’m curious what the song was!

    1. davethetrucker*

      I JUST reread this letter a couple days ago, and I didn’t know that Sean Kingston song, or thought I didn’t know it, anyway. I looked it up, sort of recognized it, and now I’ve had an earworm for the past couple days. I woke up this morning to my brain alarm singing, “Beauuuutiful girls…”And now, well, now I don’t think it’s leaving anytime soon.

    1. Compliance is fun*

      I mean, if you’re performing poorly at work and think you might be fired because of it, that’s not paranoia, that’s being realistic.

      1. Bruce*

        “Just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you” or something like that…

      3. Jax*

        I had a boss early in my career who was paranoid that she was the target of a high-up executive. I was a reporter at the time, in the traditional media right before the internet. She told me to “use [my] investigative skills” to find out more about what he was up to regarding her and what was going on at the top of the organization. I can’t emphasize what a nightmare it is for a subordinate to be at the career mercy of someone who is paranoid, regardless of whether they have reason to be or not and regardless of what outside issues (health, etc) might be partly responsible for that (I mean, I can empathize, that doesn’t mean they aren’t maybe unwittingly abusing their power).

  4. Seashell*

    I’m surprised people were listening that closely to the plotline of a song they’ve never heard before in a store. I might notice if there were cursing involved, but just a guy in a song behaving in a creepy manner? Probably wouldn’t register with me or most small children.

    1. Wired Wolf*

      The music at my work is at such a volume that you can’t really ignore lyrics….unfortunately everything’s controlled at the corporate offices and it’s clear that the volume setting is meant for a larger building. The rotation has a handful of songs that could be considered inappropriate (either squicky in some form or with fairly specific religious overtones).

    2. Coverage Associate*

      Certainly the employees hearing it over and over would learn all the lyrics, or at least some employees would.

      I kind of agree about shoppers, but do we know how often they came in? My disorganized family goes to the grocery store a few times a week. And if the artist was local, locals might recognize the song.

    3. Fshface*

      Some people naturally listen to song lyrics, whereas others just kind of take in the ‘vibe’. It might not be everyone who noticed what the song was about, but it doesn’t have to be everyone to be an issue.

      Added to that, LW said that the lyrics included suicidal content and that it wasn’t a professionally released song, so the lyrics might actually have been very blatant. If the singer was outright saying “I should just kill myself”, that could definitely catch some people’s attention even if they weren’t actively listening.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Yeah, I’m a fan of Irish ballads where the story is often the point. I also remember portions of songs I may have only heard once or twice. I have a verse or two by heart of a song that was played once…probably 10 or 15 years ago. It was a parody song about political events at the time, played on TV. So yeah, it’s definitely possible.

        I also had a cousin who at the age of 5 asked me about the lyrics of a song I was singing under my breath while minding him. “What war is the song about?” I doubt he took in the whole thing but he got enough to realise it was about war.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I wish stores would mute the volume, but lately, it seems that they’re embracing louder and louder volumes, maybe in some psychological attempt to make you buy more? I’m much more inclined to shop leisurely (and thus buy more) if I’m relaxed. I can’t really ignore it if it’s loud. All that does is make me want to leave!

    4. Hapax Legomenon*

      This was why I thought the letter HAD to be about “Beautiful Girls.” While I’m probably more lyrics focused than most of the listening public, “suicidal” is such a prominent word in that song that I find it impossible to tune out. I will leave a store if they start playing that song and I’m having a can’t-deal-with-that day.

    5. Antilles*

      I think it’s precisely BECAUSE it’s a song they’ve never heard before that it was so noticeable, because it’s new and it catches the casual person’s ear/attention in a way that hearing a song for the 40th time doesn’t.

      1. Bookgarden*

        Yeah, along those same lines, if I hear an unfamiliar song at a store and it’s really catchy I’ll deliberately try to listen for lyrics so I can use them to ID the song using Google.

    6. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Someone else shouldn’t be bothered by something you haven’t experienced because you imagine they’re overreacting. I’m unfortunately not surprised that you both thought this and then decided you needed to share it. Believe people when they tell you their own lived experience.

  5. The CEO’s assistant*

    Just a reminder that if anyone shares suicidal thoughts or tells you they are considering it, the national suicide hotline for the US is 988.

  6. Myrin*

    I’m quietly laughing my butt off about #2’s song being neither of the songs which were hotly debated in the original comment section with a majority going “Of course it’s ‘Beautiful Girls’ by Sean Kingston!” in a way that allowed no nuance or other opinions whatsoever.

    Perfect illustration of what we’re always talking about regarding people commenting like they know for a fact something is true when actually, all they’ve said is pure conjecture and they could be 100% wrong.

  7. CityMouse*

    “My boss lived in a different state (we were remote) and leadership already actively disliked him, so I was afraid that if I reported him to HR he would be fired and then actually harm himself.”

    So addressing this in LW1, I was reminded of an ex of mine who would make similar comments that made me afraid to initiate a breakup. What I realized is that I couldn’t accept mistreatment and these comments were part of a pattern of how she treated me. I broke up with her and forwarded her texts to a mutual friend when they came in.

    So obviously work is different from a romantic relationship but you absolutely cannot and should bot take that mentally on. “Reporting my boss’s misconduct will mean I’m responsible if he does X” is not true, you are not responsible for other people’s actions like that. Your wellbeing matters and you shouldn’t avoid reporting misconduct because someone makes comments like that.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      Honestly it sounds like the (potentially) suicidal boss was a manipulator and jerk so going to HR about him and him being fired sooner wouldn’t have been a loss for LW or her colleague.

      The update reads as if the whole damn office was toxic and not just the boss (which the LW didn’t really acknowledge or recognize yet in her letter).

    2. ashie*

      Similar thing here. I finally realized that if my boyfriend was going to hurt himself if I left as he kept threatening, that was on him not me.
      So I left, and he did nothing. I could have saved us both so much angst by leaving sooner.

      1. Bast*

        On another note, I did have a client of mine who did end up killing himself, and I can understand the guilt that goes along with this, even if you know it wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could do. This guy was depressed more often than not, and would make comments during some of my phone calls with him that eventually I got to the point of saying, “Name, if you’re going to continue to make comments like that, I’m going to have to call for an ambulance.” I spent copious amounts of time on the phone with him, way more than with my average client and often wound up drained and stressed after speaking with him. He rebuffed any suggestions of talking to someone qualified (I am a lawyer, NOT a therapist, nor would I be a good therapist) or going to any support groups. I didn’t get the impression he was being manipulative, but he was genuinely depressed. He had mulitple issues going on beyond his case that I could do nothing about. There got to be a point where I could not reach him, and I eventually learned that he had killed himself. I still think about it sometimes and feel terrible. This poor man really had been struggling hard, and while I realize on an intellectual level that I could not force someone into therapy or obtain help, nor could I fix his issues, there’s still a part of me that feels guilty and sad thinking of him. I can understand why LW may have conflicting emotions even if they realize Boss’s actions are not their fault.

  8. Madame Desmortes*

    OP1, I suspect what may have happened is that anyone who worked for your boss got tarnished by association. It’s utterly unfair, but it happens — please don’t take it personally; it likely was not even slightly about you.

    I hope your next job is great!

  9. BridgeofFire*

    People like Boss #1 really upset me as someone who struggles with depression (or, in my darker humored moments, is EXCELLENT at being depressed). It’s hard to tell without actually seeing or knowing the boss, but he comes off as, at best, using legitimate depression issues as a way to manipulate the emotions of those around him, make them walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off, and get his way. That makes it so much harder for other people with depression to feel like they can be open about it, because they are concerned that it will come off the same way. It’s why when I’m in a low and someone asks me “What’s wrong?”, my answer is “Nothing.” “How are you?” “Fine.” I’m not fine, but just saying that I’m not fine feels like I’m making my problems someone else’s. Which is EXACTLY what Boss 1 seems to be doing intentionally, and it’s burning everyone around him while he continues on like some sort of mental Typhoid Harry.

    1. Can’t believe my coworkers held their hand out for pizza*

      YES to all of this, Bridge! I know exactly what you mean! I struggle with clinical depression (and suicidal ideation in the past) and have loved ones who have died by suicide, attempted suicide, etc. Ihave a loved one who’s currently in inpatient psych because they realized they were in a bad place again, to the point of forming a plan, but they were able to reach out for help, and go to inpatient treatment. But there’s still so much stigma (and some of their immediate relatives don’t know about this current stay—or the last 2 stays—because they were such hideous hose beasts about the first stay way back when).

      And I can feel for the boss in this letter that he’s clearly suffering but I’ve also been around people who do use suicidal threats as a key way to manipulate and emotionally abuse people. And I’m so over it. There are resources for the boss that he can access but none of them involve putting his reports’ mental health thru the ringer too. So I find it hard to have a lot of sympathy for him until he stops treating a literal life-or-death condition as a way to just throw a tantrum.

    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I really sympathize with you, and this boss is a manipulative jerk, but you’re overanalyzing this. People are not a monolith. Some people will think everyone’s a manipulator, but most people do not think like that. You are telling yourself “everyone” thinks like that and “no one” will believe you. Have you had that experience? Because it sounds like you’re imagining an outcome that hasn’t happened and using that to justify isolating yourself.

      When someone asks how you are (sincerely, obvs not like passing in the hall), they are inviting you to share your problems. You can’t “make your problems someone else’s” – they can’t feel what you feel. But they can talk with you and validate your feelings and that togetherness might feel good for both of you. People ask because they want to help. You’re not allowing yourself to have that and then justifying *your* choice by pretending that other people have poisoned the well.

      1. BridgeofFire*

        I have had that experience, sadly. Let’s just say with certain people in my life, I’ve learned my options are A) say “I’m fine”, or B) say “I’m not fine”, have them ask what’s wrong, explain, and be told “It’s not that bad” or at best sympathy that still basically says I need to just get over it and “push through”. Which is what I was already trying to do, so nothing gets accomplished beyond me, in my mind, dragging someone else into my mental mess.

  10. Kit*

    Letter #2 flashed me back to the time I was shopping at a family-type home goods store and “I Don’t F With You” by Big Sean came on. I highly encourage looking it up if you’re not familiar with the song, since EVERY line is hilariously inappropriate to a shopping setting.

    At the time, every parent in the store, including me, made an instant and silent pact not to react to the song at all, knowing a freak out would just draw our kids’ attention to it. The entire song played. I went home and looked up the lyrics to confirm it was not a hallucination.

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