updates: new hire was upset about my maternity leave, asking assistant to check in before she leaves, and more

by Alison Green on December 16, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My new hire said I should have told him about my maternity leave before he arrived (#2 at the link)

When I wrote initially, I was still reeling from the conversation with the post-doc. He had an exit interview scheduled with my department chair the next day (standard, when someone wants to break their contract) but he no-showed, and to the best of my knowledge he left the country with the lab laptop. (That’s a story, we had IT lock it remotely when he no-showed, then bricked it a few days later because of the confidential data it had on it).

I now think that he wasn’t happy for a lot of reasons and simply selected one that he thought would get the most sympathy. The department has regular seminars and socials, and while the department tends to slew positive in its topics of discussion, a slow trickle of stories emerged from the grad students about outsized reactions he had had to things that upset him. He was uncomfortable when something administrative (from getting his staff card to how campus food service works) differed from the way it had been at his previous institution. He hated things he considered “nanny state” like mandatory daytime running lights and the fact that he was required to be part of a union.

I know some of the commenters recommended not hiring another post-doc before leaving on mat leave, but it is/was an industrial partnership and the company wasn’t going to wait. We hired someone new who started in May; we had several months together to get her up to speed and then she ran with it. The new post-doc spent another 2 months getting ready on campus, then went off to work the next 12 months on the project at the industrial partner site.

She never came back to campus – she’s still on the project writing up her second manuscript, but she’s being paid more than me now as a full-time employee, is off the grant, and we’re hiring again.

Personally, my daughter is amazing, she’s adjusted to daycare. I’m grateful I got the year to spend with her. I’m also grateful now to be able to go to the restroom during the day without her crying for me. My lab manager kept things ticking along while it was gone, and while I couldn’t completely disconnect (that’s just not the way academia is set up), I probably didn’t spend more than 8 hours or so a week on things and it was manageable. It’s been a transition back to full time work (daycare pick up to dinner to bedtime is such a rush EVERY DAY), but we’re doing well so far.

2. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves? (#4 at the link)

I asked a question about whether or not I should ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves for the day. The advice was great, including those who were concerned about big tasks being requested right at the end of her day. Well observed!

Anyway, funny thing happened: daylight savings. It started being dark at 4:20, jolting me into my end-of-day routine. I realized I didn’t so much need to see Liza at the end of her day, I just needed something to sort of wake up call or – wait for it – AN ALARM. I appreciate the support for what I was considering, but I am likewise grateful for the commenters who helped me realize that the actual issue was one that is much better served by technology than adding a meaningless task to Liza’s day.

3. Should I try to grow in my current job or leave for more money and more PTO? (#4 at the link)

Thank you so much for answering my question in June. And thanks to everyone who gave great advice and empathy in the comments. I was totally occupied all day and never got to read comments while I could still respond. But I appreciate everyone!

My update is good. I decided to go for it, in terms of applying for the job that appealed to me. I moved fast and got it. I turned in my notice at work as soon as I signed the offer letter.

The pay increase was substantial. The benefits are better. And the PTO was exactly what I hoped for.

That doesn’t mean it is easy. This pivot has been hard. I’m a novice again. But it’s totally different than I was in my previous job. I request help and get it. I need support, I can find it. And it’s all just a better fit for me. The problems I solve on a daily basis are exactly in my wheelhouse and I find exciting. I’m confident that I can solve problems and when I can’t, I don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help, even if I need to ask repeatedly. I know I’m a professional and that if I have a deficiency, it is in my boss’s interest to help me fix it. I guess that’s to say that my deficiencies are places I’m going to grow, not places I’m worthless. There’s so much satisfaction in both the big picture mission and the day to day work.

Thank you for the own encouragement!

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{ 52 comments }

{ 52 comments… read them below }

  1. OP #1*

    I just want to add that I’m pleased as punched that she has a full time job, that’s an absolute success

    1. Rainy*

      What a wild ride! Thank you for updating, and congrats on the personal and professional successes for you and your researcher (and infant, for that matter). :)

      I admit I’m deeply curious as to what became of the runaway postdoc and his pilfered laptop, but I suppose we’ll never know.

    3. A Canadian*

      Asa Canadian I chuckled that he thought being upset about your parental leave would gain the most sympathy. in my experience even more conservative people are probably parental leave and are even proud of it.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        From the headline, I can imagine a situation where finding out your hiring manager is taking planned leave would be justifiably upsetting (and possibly worth leaving over). It’s the details of having other PI to help, plenty of time to settle in beforehand, and the expectation of knowing about someone else’s pregnancy at *2 months* that makes it completely unsympathetic.

        The constant whining capped by running away with stolen property pushes it into “good riddance” territory.

    4. One Duck In A Row*

      It totally is – thank you for such a good update!

      Also, my kid is now a teen and I still remember that feeling of panic over the daycare pickup to dinner to bedtime crunch 5 days a week. It got a lot better with time but it was so hard to get through. Strength to you, and congrats on everything!

  2. WellRed*

    What does bricked it mean in reference to a laptop (first update). I’m not surprised there were other issues with that guy.

    2. kara*

      “Bricked” is what you call it when a device is completely wiped or locked down to the point that it’s useless. It’s a piece of equipment that is about as useful as a brick.

      I accidentally bricked my company iPhone when I first got it because I forgot that my PIN for the new phone was 8 digits and not 6. I tried my 6 digits 4 times and then got notified that the SIM was being wiped and I’d have to contact the help desk to reinstate my number. I could turn the phone on but got a “sim does not exist” message. In other words … a brick. :)

      1. Jamoche*

        Software dev at a software company here: IT bricked a new computer once, and led to a rule that IT was not allowed to touch development machines.

        We’d ordered the very latest model because it had new hardware features we had to verify worked with our software. As is typical with computers with new features (as opposed to minor HW upgrades), it came with an OS version that was required in order for that computer to run.

        IT had an officially sanctioned OS version/disk image that it copied onto every computer. It was a full major release below what the new computer needed, much less the minor point release that supported the new feature. This basically made the new machine a brick, although it could be fixed if we went through the “recovery” option, which connected to the mothership, downloaded the right version, and installed it.

        Except we had a very restrictive block list (also thanks to IT) and the recovery address wasn’t on it. We couldn’t add it because, for security reasons, it wasn’t exposed by the recovery software.

        So we had to take our shiny new brick to Starbucks to use their wifi.

    3. Inkognyto*

      It won’t actually brick until they connect to the internet, but those are setup to connect and contact the company.

      Typically encrypt all of the data on them and have this as a Security measure. This will wipe the hard drive, sometimes it’ll change the firmware password/Boot password also so it’s just not usable by the average person.

      You can try and track it all down etc. But then it’s like a $600-1000 laptop and how many hours of IT/Legal resources do you want to spend to get that back?

      Wipe it write it off as a loss in the company records and move on.

  3. kara*

    OP #1 –
    “He hated things he considered “nanny state” like mandatory daytime running lights and the fact that he was required to be part of a union.”

    That makes me think that he is part of a particular political leaning group in the US and was already predisposed to find anything Canadian to be offensive. He was just looking for an excuse to vent about how his personal rights were being violated or whatever.

    1. 1I1-III1*

      I completely agree. I am and am not completely surprised that this person would even want to work in Canada. Logically, it makes no sense for them to want to, but based on their reaction, I’m assuming logic isn’t always involved in decision making.

      1. Rainy*

        When it comes to an academic career, beggars can’t be choosers. It’s very possible he didn’t actually feel like he had a choice–he had to go where the ducks are.

        1. Rebelx*

          Or simply ignorance of how things are different in Canada and being unprepared for it. For one thing, I wouldn’t assume everyone in the US knows that Canada is more progressive, and even if they have a general sense because they’ve heard that there’s universal healthcare or whatever, they probably don’t have a great deal of specific knowledge of Canadian government and policies. Politics aside, I also think a lot of people in the US have a sense that Canada is culturally basically the same as the US. And while, yes, there are a lot of similarities, it’s still a different country, and there are sooooo many things- big, small, expected, unexpected -that one has to adapt to when moving to another country. Culture shock is a thing, and possibly LW1’s employee was a little bit blindsided by it.

          1. Nicole Maria*

            I really doubt that someone who is literate enough to be in graduate school isn’t aware of societal/political differences between the US and Canada.

          2. MigraineMonth*

            I think a lot of progressives/liberals would also be surprised by how
            conservative some aspects of Canadian government and culture can be. It seems to me that Americans (and humans in general) have a tendency to project our fears and hopes on other countries without knowing a lot about them.

    2. Danish*

      Maybe – IME academia is full of people who kind of resent being in a non-optional union. I used to be one of them! I was a young, lefty liberal fresh out of college who really supported the idea of unions in theory! but in practice I made barely anything, so the monthly due was a painful hit to my paycheck, and as far as I ever saw the only thing the union did was 1) mandate that we could not adjust the position of our computer monitors and 2) come during working hours to try and get us to volunteer for additional tasks on workday evenings and not take soft nos, making us all increasingly uncomfortable. Basically only the office manager who was in her late 60s spoke well of the union.

      I definitely appreciate unions NOW, and know that they likely did things behind the scenes I would have appreciated, but I don’t find it unbelievable that even someone who is politically liberal would be upset about it being mandatory and get kind of reactionary about it, especially if they’re a person predisposed to overreact to things as it sounds like this guy was.

      1. Dek*

        ” 1) mandate that we could not adjust the position of our computer monitors”

        ok i need an explain, please.

        1. Danish*

          “Moving office equipment” was work that only specific employees could do, per union, and we as office staff were not those employees. For some reason even minor adjustments counted as “Moving equipment” and we’d get a talking to if we were observed to have done such a thing. I understand job classifications but it was sitcom levels of strictness.

          1. JustaTech*

            When I was in a union as an university employee I was (I believe) literally the only one in the building so I basically saw them once and never even got my t-shirt, so there was no way for them to keep an eye on what I was doing (which might have been helpful but I would have taken poorly).
            On the other hand I was able to use their existence to threaten my boss once when he asked me to do something unreasonable and unsafe (work 20 hours straight).

    3. Ally McBeal*

      Yes, this was my read too. And parental leave for Canadians is substantial compared to what we get here in the US of A, so maybe he was salty that OP1 would be out for a lot longer than the measly 12 weeks offered by many employers and therefore he would miss getting face time/mentoring/whatever from her.

      1. Chilie Healer*

        I don’t know, read to me more like someone who was mad people who can become pregnant can hold important jobs. Isn’t that men’s work? /s

        1. evens*

          This is a terrible take. He’s mad that he upended his life to work with a great mentor, who (he later found out) would be gone for most of his year. No need to assume sexism.

          1. And*

            To be fair, that’s no more of an assumption than sexism. Someone below posted mentioning that they were familiar with the likely program that this was done through, and that this guy would only have been working with OP in the lab for a few months before transitioning to industry work (which, indeed, matches pretty closely to how it went with his replacement). It doesn’t sound like working with OP as a mentor for a year+ was ever the expectation.

        2. And*

          To be fair, unless I missed something, both letters didn’t specify that it was a mother writing in. OP specified “parental leave” which iirc both parents can take.

    4. Strive to Excel*

      OK but the funniest part of this is *that’s not Canada exclusive*. A lot of companies/industries in the US have required unions, or even if you’re not part of the union you’re charged union dues.

      I wish we had mandatory running light laws up here (Pacific Northwest), we have way too many people who drive in heavy fog or rain with no lights to be seen. PSA for today: put on your lights in fog and heavy rain, we can’t see you without them!

    5. Pescadero*

      Eh..

      He came to a foreign country, to work with a PI on a 1 year contract (potential second year = one year), and they are going to be gone for 6-12 months (and potentially up to 18).

      Other PIs are irrelevant – they aren’t who he came to work with. The potential second year is irrelevant – unless it’s guaranteed, it might as well not exist.

      This is a dude who has 3-5 years to publish papers, with the right PI’s names on them, that will get him the rest of his academic career. If he fails – he’ll probably never be an academic and have to change careers.

      1. And*

        It actually sounds like he came there to work in OP’s lab for a few months before transitioning to industry work. Like what happened with his successor. And like what a poster below mentioned is likely a set part of the program if it’s the typical one.

        1. Pescadero*

          That would be… wildly, wildly unusual in the USA. No one does a post-doc to go into industry. It’s unnecessary – you just get an industry job with your PhD.

          There are basically two paths:

          PhD -> Industry
          …and
          PhD -> Postdoc -> Faculty

          1. And*

            Sure, but that seems to be the case for this program. And while I obviously don’t know for certain it’s extremely likely that the outline of the program was communicated in advance. It would be odd to spring “and you’ll be transitioning to industry related work within a few months” to someone only once they’re onsite. But apparently that is the norm for this program and what happened to his successor, so it’s likely expectations around that were set in advance.

            1. OP #1*

              Yes, the training plan for this particular collaboration was 6 months on campus/ 1 year at the industry partner/6 months on campus which was communicated in the interview (where they met the whole supervisory team)

              The recently successful postdoc/now industry scientist published well for the field (first author, and co-author) in her…just under 2 years.

          2. Lab Lady*

            That’s not entirely true.

            There are lots of research-active industries (for example the Bio/pharma companies in the US), with active academia/industry partnerships where industrial postdocs are common (even if they aren’t the norm).

  4. Sick of Workplace Bullshit (she/her)*

    OP #1: Fellow Canuk here–I’d love to know what the departed post-doc thinks of our “nanny state” health care now!

    3. Sedna*

      I will bet you cash money that Joffrey believes he can prevent all infirmities by drinking alkaline water and raw milk.

    4. evens*

      When I lived in SK, there were 3 MRI machines for the 1 million people in the province. The wait list was over a year long. Now there are 12, with an average wait of 246 days. In the US, I could get an MRI today or tomorrow at the latest.

      Look, there are bad things about health care in the US. But if I’d had to wait Canada-length times for my cancer diagnosis, I’d be dead. Let’s look honestly at the pros and cons of health care both places instead of just using cheap talking points. Health care is not perfect either place, but I’d rather have fast and good health care, rather than free and good. This is a personal preference perhaps, but you just can’t have fast, free, and good.

      1. Anon for this one*

        I’ve had to wait a month in the US, in a major city, for an MRI to determine whether cancer had spread. I’m not doubting your experience, but it’s not universal. (And “average” is a weird thing. It can still include getting a cancer diagnosis confirmed next week but people needing to wait even longer for less time-critical purposes.)

      2. And*

        You do know that those wait times are because they are prioritizing people with suspected high needs right? What’s the average wait time for people who are being sent for an MRI because their doctor suspects cancer? I’m in SK, and everyone one I know, myself included, whose doctor had a reason to suspect cancer were prioritized and seen in a matter of weeks if not days. They flag and prioritize urgent cases, that’s what makes the wait times longer for less urgent ones. Now, our healthcare system has maaaany flaws, and I’m sure there are people with cancer who’ve had to wait much longer than they should have and others who’ve fallen through the cracks and not been well served. But don’t ask to look at things honestly then lump “everyone whose doctor sent them for an MRI” in with “everyone who who was sent for an MRI because they possibly have cancer”. And, since you’re referring to SK, if you want to talk honestly, the Canadian healthcare system as a whole isn’t broken inherently just because the Sask Party has been underfunding and making cuts to it for almost 17 years. There’s plenty to criticize here, but at least do it honestly. I’m glad you could get an MRI tomorrow if you wanted however. But it’s not the same as others being able to get one at all if needed.

        1. Freya*

          This. I’m Australian, and getting an MRI for my wrist took a long time. But it was a chronic issue, not an acute one, and definitely not an emergency! The intra-osseous ganglion that was causing me to fracture my wrist every time I drove a manual eventually got scooped out and fixed, and although I never did use the painkillers I was prescribed because the bone graft site hurt less than my wrist prior to surgery, I don’t mind how long it took for everything (after me bullying the doc into ordering the diagnosing MRI) because I know if it was serious or potentially life-threatening I wouldn’t have had to wait that long.

    1. post script*

      OP3, congrats!
      I loved this: “my deficiencies are places I’m going to grow, not places I’m worthless” and am going to keep it in mind.

  7. Chilie Healer*

    OP1

    Mad about daytime running lights! That is my favorite thing that an American has ever hated about Canada. Hilarious. Not surprising he was also upset about 1 year maternity leave.

    Boo Hoo buddy.

    1. 2 Cents*

      Especially considering that SO many cars in the U.S. have them. I live in a state where lots of people drive newer cars and just about everyone has daytime headlights. This guy just sounds like he was trying to find fault with everything. Maybe he didn’t like donuts for dessert? :)

  8. Ann O'Nemity*

    #1 – The Letter Writer didn’t owe Joffrey 8 months notice about the maternity leave, but I can understand why a 1-2 year contract employee would be disappointed that their PI was going on extended leave. From Joffrey’s perspective, he uprooted his life, went through multiple tedious bureaucratic processes just to get started, and then found out that his PI would be gone for most of his employment. NONE of this is the PI’s fault! But I can see why Joffrey wasn’t happy. However, it sounds like him quitting was a good thing in the end! Hopefully he found greener pastures, and the new hire was a success.

    1. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      I mean, if Joffrey’s position was the same as the person who succeeded him, then he was only meant to be in the PI’s lab for a couple of months, and then in industry. Assuming this is the same academic-industry grant program that I’m hiring for (Canada’s main program like this), that schedule is not very negotiable – so it shouldn’t have mattered!

      My university is close to the US border, and I knew one american PhD student who hated Canada so much that he moved to the other side of the border and drove 3hrs return each day he came to campus. His headline complaint about Canada? The price of cheese! (surely less of a dent on his budget than commuting 15 hrs each week, you would think)

      1. Ann O'Nemity*

        Yeah, that might be unique to this particular position! If Joffrey was only going to work directly with the PI for a few months anyway then I really don’t get why the maternity leave is a big deal.

        And the cheese! Wow. You’d think it would be easier to do some occasional shopping in the U.S. (Pretty sure you can bring cheese across if you declare it, but correct me if I’m wrong. I used to live in Bellingham, WA, which is very close to the border, but things may have changed since I moved.)

  9. DJ*

    #2 excellent solution. Could tell that you are a thoughtful manager who respects both your assistant’s time and working style!

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