Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. Nosy coworker in an open office (#4 at the link)

Thanks for publishing my letter and your response! As I mentioned in my previous letter, I only had half a year left at this firm and I was debating whether I should (politely and professionally) address this problem with “Nicholas.”

I decided to take your advice and not address it. Given that he was several years my senior (and just got promoted to a title that is two “steps” above mine), I felt that the juice simply wasn’t worth the squeeze.

After reading the dozens of comments commiserating on the post, I instantly felt so, so much better. Over the next few months, Nicholas kept up his antics, but I was surprised to find that it inexplicably stopped bothering me. The affirmation from the commentors as well as from my coworkers (who have since nicknamed him “Swivel Head”) was enough to assure me I wasn’t crazy for having an issue with his behavior. And magically, his behavior went from an annoying professional oddity to a funny quirk I could easily brush off.

I’m now at my next job and recently got a coffee with Nicholas. I’m delighted to say that Nicholas is a great professional connection to have in the industry, especially when I’m no longer in an open office with him. Thanks again for your advice!

2. How much transparency does a manager owe employees in an internal hiring process?

Your advice and that of some commenters was really valuable. Thank you. It’s true, Arden didn’t really do anything wrong. Those who noted I was reading a lot into tiny signals were right. And my hunch that Micah had gotten the job? Also right. Sometimes you just know, maybe in ways that are too hard to explain in this format. We may never know if I was right about the timing of his finding out, but based on what friends of Micah’s said later about the timing of when they found out from him, plus all those subtle signs that ground my gears in the first place, it seems likely.

Micah has been the deputy head of our department for a year and a half now. It’s been going … OK. He’s super competent and in many ways a good colleague, but people don’t love his management style. As you might guess from the victory-lap moment, his professional judgment can be a little off. I wish I had given some context about his personality in my original letter; when he was applying (we didn’t know for sure that he was, but it seemed inevitable), a colleague characterized her concerns about him as “he likes power too much.” And he was just an individual contributor then without very much power.

Luckily, I’ve been able to continue to report to Arden all this time, unlike many of my team members, who were switched to Micah. Arden is now being promoted out of the department. I figured I might finally have to report to Micah now — ugh, but OK, but ugh — but I’ve instead been reassigned to someone less familiar with my work but also not a former job rival. I’m relieved.

And my own ego and mental health are healing, thanks to SSRIs (which I started not long after writing), a cool stretch project I’ve been given, feedback from several coworkers who say they wish I could be the new Arden (unlikely, but sweet of them), and also just seeing how tough Micah’s job is. It wouldn’t have been a great fit for me in some ways, and I get why he has it.

3. My coworker leans on me for too much help (#2 at the link; first update here)

For a few months after my last update, Meg had been having additional training with my manager, let’s call her Lucy. Things improved a little bit until Lucy was let go. Lucy’s position was not replaced and her manager, Bob, had now become my direct manager. Bob had technically been Meg’s direct manager this whole time, not Lucy.

I learned that Bob was aware that Meg was struggling with her work, but he had put the responsibility on Lucy to handle it. Since she was let go, Meg’s issues had fallen back to me along with a handful of Lucy’s items that were not going to be picked up by anyone else.

Those things, combined with a lot of other major changes in the company had started to wear me down pretty quickly. It wasn’t only Meg relying on me too much. In general, too many things were getting dumped on me and I wasn’t feeling super motivated anymore. So, I looked elsewhere and landed a job that has a better culture, more organization, and great benefits that includes an option to work from home, so I don’t have to sit next to needy coworkers aside from my cat. My old company even offered me more money to stay, which I did not accept. I was actually a little annoyed that they only let me know my value when there was a risk of me leaving. Regardless, I tried to give Meg as much support and training as I could before I left, and haven’t heard much from her since. Other past colleagues have told me the workplace is as chaotic as ever, but that is thankfully no longer my problem.

Looking back, what I wish I had done was talked to Lucy and Bob earlier on about the issues I was having with Meg. I don’t know that anything would have ended up differently, but I’m not sure that Bob realized just how bad it was and maybe if he had heard my perspective he would have done more to help get Meg to where she needed to be. Maybe not. But I’ll keep this experience as a lesson to not be afraid of confrontation when it’s needed. Hopefully I don’t have to use it anytime soon.

4. What do I owe a freelance client who abruptly ended my project? (#4 at the link)

The advice definitely helped!

I was able to hold the files until the last payment came through — which, given how late they often were on invoices, did take a while … and I sent the files in one big package to the project manager, and that was that. Every so often, I’d get a follow-up email asking for help figuring out what was in what file, but that was that.

There’s absolutely no relationship there anymore, but I wouldn’t work for them again if they asked and paid me triple my rate, so I think that’s okay. All my friends who worked there have been fired one by one, with no notice or reason, so I guess I was just the first on the list. On the plus side, I secured a full time job a few months afterwards, with the salary and benefits I wanted, and a solid and well organized file management system that means no one is emailing me after hours chasing links … the dream!

5. My boss is trying to “quiet fire” me — can I just ignore it?

Hello from the other side.

I started in a new position just a few days before my letter was published on AAM in January, and the difference it has made is absolutely wild.

Several commenters rightly hit on the mental health aspects that were involved here (special shoutout to the person who said I sounded very well-adjusted — I wasn’t, at all, but glad I could come across like I was!). To be honest, I knew it was a bad situation, but it took getting out and looking back (and therapy) to see just how absolutely destructive it was, how it affected every aspect of my life and I didn’t realize it. Someone likened it to being in the pot as it slowly boiled, and that is completely accurate.

I have been extremely lucky in my new position. It’s a completely different role in a completely different industry, so there continues to be a lot to learn, but my manager is an absolute treasure. He is extremely supportive while also trusting his team to do what they are supposed to without him hovering. The pay and benefits are much better, I get literally 3x as many vacation days and most everyone, from the newest employee to the chief exec, has a good level of work-life balance and encourages everyone else to have the same. The biggest difference though, is that the level of dysfunction is basically nonexistent. If there is a problem or a mistake, no one screams or curses, it’s treated as a very normal part of doing business and is solved without hysterics. If I take a day off, I don’t have anxiety all the night before to see what catastrophe was made up in my absence. No one calls me shouting on weekends or after work hours. I don’t find myself awake at 3 am, dreading the next mood swing. Like anything, there are certain small aspects that I might not 100% agree with, but it has been positive from day one.

Leaving the other job was not easy. I was very unhealthily emotionally invested, and boss’s reactions swung between bitter anger over my “betrayal” and over-the-top performative begging me to reconsider and promises to change. I had to block her eventually, as even after I left she would not stop contacting me. I still have guilt over that, though I know that there really was not another option.

To those of you who are stuck in a toxic workplace and might not think that you have the opportunity to get out, please do yourself a favor and put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to apply for other positions or other industries, and don’t think for a moment that you need to put up with a job destroying your mental health. You don’t owe them your sanity.