updates: the out-of-control birthday celebrations, boss wants a timeline for my leaving, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Birthday celebrations are zooming out of control (#3 at the link)

The birthday celebrations continued for the next few birthdays after I wrote, but I gradually withdrew from them by saying I was too busy to do the prep work and/or doing a quick prep and then making up a conflict for the actual birthday presentation. Thankfully, this trend died out by the time my birthday rolled around, mostly because of multiple layoffs and resignations on the team, including the manager who was spearheading the whole thing. Afterwards, when we were back in the office more regularly, one of my coworkers confided in me how awful the presentations were and they were glad they stopped! We eventually went back to the usual email well wishes.

As a side note, I am no longer at that company, but looking back I see the whole incident as a symptom of the type of workplace we had, where small things often spiraled out of control due to a) the passivity of the overall team manager and the steamrolling nature of the other manager who led the charge and b) a culture in which nobody felt comfortable speaking up when they disagreed about how things were done. I now work on a team of three and our usual birthday celebrations consist of my boss taking all of us out to a nice lunch the next day we’re all in the office, which is great because I genuinely like my coworkers and we get to enjoy the fine dining in our town on the company dime.

Thanks again for your advice and the advice from the commenters!

2. Can I make my spouse wear noise-canceling headphones at home? (#3 at the link; first update here)

I wrote to you about a year ago because my spouse wouldn’t wear noise-canceling headphones or earbuds to work from home, but was constantly shushing me and the kids. My first update was that I realized we were all on edge because one of my kids was suffering from significant anxiety and disrupted sleep at home, and addressing that improved everything.

Well, my second update is that I have moved out and we are going through a divorce. Thank you to the commenters who identified that this demand was a red flag and indicative of some pretty unreasonable expectations about family life and what our obligations were to support his needs. It really wasn’t about this moment but a bigger-picture inability to engage with our family.

It’s really hard right now, and we are all pretty sad, but unfortunately I think this will ultimately be healthier for me and for the kids. I appreciate the AAM community.

3. My boss wants a timeline for me leaving and I haven’t even given notice

I wrote to you back in September 2016, and so much has changed since then. To sum it up: that job didn’t work out, and after being let go in February 2017, I focused on finishing my master’s before diving into the job search. I was determined not to settle for another bad fit, but with bills to pay, I worked temp jobs and did grocery delivery to fill the gap. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs, the rejections kept coming. By December 2018, I was in a very dark place. It had been over two years of searching with no results.

Then, I saw a job opening at a well-respected company in the community. I’d met the recruiter months before and reached out. He suggested a position I felt totally unqualified for, but he believed I had the soft skills they needed. Desperate, I agreed to an interview, and thanks to all the advice here from you and fellow readers, it ended up being the best one I’d ever had — and I got the job. The work was challenging, but my boss was amazing and helped me grow in ways I hadn’t imagined.

In mid-2021, our company was acquired, and by early 2022, my spouse’s health declined rapidly, making their ability to work uncertain. Once again, I was job hunting, but this time I had plenty of opportunities. I got an offer for a WFH job with unlimited PTO that doubled my salary. My old boss understood, having faced a similar situation herself when her husband became disabled 10 years earlier. I’ve been in this new role since summer 2022, and it’s been a great fit, and I have the flexibility to care for my spouse, who has a rare, but thankfully non-fatal neurological condition.

I’m writing to share two things: first, never underestimate your soft skills. If that recruiter hadn’t recognized mine, I wouldn’t have gotten that job. And second, I want to sincerely thank you. Ask a Manager changed my life. Thanks to it, I’m able to support my family on my salary and care for my spouse. I’m deeply grateful for you, and the advice and support of the AAM community.

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{ 51 comments }

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  1. Elizabeth West*

    I like the birthday lunch thing. That’s a much better way to do it, especially on a very small team.

    1. BatManDan*

      The phenomenon of people being / feeling unable to push back and feeling obligated to feign agreement and approval is discussed in a great book called The Abilene Paradox. The thesis is that most orgs suffer from too much agreement, not too much disagreement.

  2. MAOM7*

    LW#2 – you WILL be better off for it, and so will your kids. After things are done and you’re feeling somewhat stable, you will wonder why you took so long to do it. Trust me on this – and don’t engage in another romantic relationship for years…like 4-5 years, because you have a lot of rendering of emotion and forgiveness (of yourself) before you are ready for another relationship. Focus on your kids, your own health, your own job, and where you want to be in five years. You’ll get there, and you will be so glad you get where you’re going. :)

    1. Carys, Lady of Weeds*

      As someone who, out of nowhere, met the man who would become my second (and current) spouse a month to the day my divorce was final, this is fantastic advice, and also…you know yourself best and sometimes life just happens. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t prioritize your own wellbeing and that of your kids before anything else right now! Life can occasionally just be incredibly ridiculous with its timing.

      MAOM7 is absolutely right, you WILL be better off for this. Best of luck to you!!

    2. And thanks for the coffee*

      I met my second husband less than 2 months after my first husband decided he wanted a divorce and moved out. We quickly fell in love and married almost before the ink was dry on our divorce papers. We were happily married for 38+ years before he died. I don’t think there is any particular waiting time before a new relationship.

    3. Gen X Karen*

      I will caveat this to say don’t go looking for a romantic relationship for years. Don’t discount that it could happen, but focus on yourself and your children and your own sense of self for awhile, and a relationship will come along (or not!) at the right time.

    4. Pam*

      I’m not LW2, but I needed to hear this. I got divorced 3 years ago, and I’m still feeling the repercussions. And then I feel guilty that I’m still feeling repercussions. And occasionally feel frustrated that I’m not dating.
      It really does take time, and especially if there are other things changing in your life (job, kids, health, etc). There’s a lot to balance, but it is so nice not to walk on eggshells like I was when I was with my ex.

    5. Momma Bear*

      LW2, there’s no way out but through. I’m also a single parent now and I am confident that you will find your new normal. I also wonder if some of the anxiety was the kid picking up on the tension – even if you didn’t fight about it, it was still there. I disagree on a firm timeline – YOU will know when it’s best for you to date (or not) and nobody can decide that but you. Counseling may help you and the kids as you move forward. I wish you all the best.

    6. Redaktorin*

      Due to a paperwork mixup that took months to catch, my divorce was not even finalized by the time I met my now-husband. We’re doing fine.

      I always find the advice to stay single a little sexist. Nobody ever told my ex not to date. People are only weirdly invested in the idea that *moms* have no sex life.

  3. Ashley*

    To LW 2 — Been there, completely understand. Sometimes simple advice leaves us with unexpected insight. Hope the new year brings you and your family all the best.

    To LW 3 — Awww! This is such a sweet letter. What a wonderful outcome after a lot of stress and strain!

    1. LifebeforeCorona*

      LW 2. It’s like the article “My Wife Divorced Me Because I Left a Glass By The Sink. It really wasn’t about the glass.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        It’s not about the Iranian Yogurt! I mean, um, noise-cancelling headphones.

        I’m sorry it’s rough right now, LW2, but you and your kids are definitely going to be better off with space away from someone who thought “force my wife and children be silent every evening” was a better solution than “wear headphones that I don’t like the look of”.

        Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you.

        1. ferrina*

          Truth! “I’d rather everyone else completely change their behavior and not have any time to unwind, rather than I look less than ideal”.
          This guy sounds exhausting to live with. I’m glad OP and the kids will finally have a space where they can unwind in a normal way without being chided for it.

  4. Lucifer*

    LW2 I’m sorry things are tough right now but it sounds like you’re making the right choice for yourself and your kids in the long run. Even just re-reading the original letter and update, I was reminded of how much side-eye it generated for me. Good luck!

    1. Kay*

      I also read the update and thought “well that really isn’t all that great and something tells me this isn’t over” so this last update came as no surprise. I have a feeling LW2 will do much better after they make it through the understandably difficult times during the divorce period.

      1. oh my god the ads*

        Yeah the part in the update about how the husband “tried” some headphones but “didn’t like how they made him look” had me going, “ummmm….what?????” even back then. You’re working from home in a busy household, conducting work calls and your children are not plush toys or even dogs you can put outside. Either wear noise-canceling headphones or go back into the office. Or to a coffee shop or whatever. Or live with the noise and STFU about it. The solution is to NOT try to make your wife and kids STFU about it.
        No wonder LW3 is divorcing his sorry hide. I’d have divorced him too.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          There was no evidence he’d tried anything to solve the issue besides telling them to be silent. Anything at all. The problem was the kids, so it was up to LW3 to solve, and he wasn’t going to even try to collaborate. Ugh.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Yeah, it was the update of OP more or less saying “I’m still the only one troubleshooting this” that really got a double take from me. The first letter wasn’t great, but sometimes people get stressed while working and can’t see the woods for the trees. However when you’ve told your partner they’re stressing you out and have asked for something thoughtless, that it’s a serious issue, let’s get round this to the solution together and the response is “I don’t look good in the reasonable solution”, where do you go from there…?

    2. coffee*

      Yes, this period will be hard but you know that better days are on their way. LW2, best wishes to you and your kids.

  5. Alan*

    LW #2, you remind me of my wife, who divorced her ex. I didn’t know her at the time, but I’ve heard stories. We’ve been married 30+ years now and we have a great life! I know it was rough for her for a few years after her divorce, but I don’t think she’d trade that decision for the world. And honestly, I think you’re setting your kids up for a better future (and present) as well. Take care.

    1. Bird names*

      Agreed, especially to your last point @Alan.
      LW, I’m sorry things are tough at the moment. At the same time you’re acting as a good role model for your kids about both boundaries and walking away, when necessary. It can’t have been an easy decision, but I hope you can look back rather sooner than later and see the progress you’ve made in the midst of this upheaval.

    1. sometimeswhy*

      As a lady who divorced a controlling and unreasonable husband 28 years ago, I also wish LW2 the best! My kids are grown and have INCREDIBLE boundaries, especially with their romantic relationships, their other parent, and their other parent’s family!

  7. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

    Congratulations on the noise-cancelling divorce, OP2!

    You and your kids will be much happier now that you’re not having to tread on eggshells.

    1. ferrina*

      Yes! The eggshells are exhausting. The constant hyper-vigilance of what you are doing lest you activate the unreasonable person’s ire…..it really takes a lot of energy and is so, so draining. Wishing OP all the best, and from experience, it’s likely the kids are also breathing a sigh of relief.

  8. Bridget*

    In case she’s reading the comments, I just want to wish LW2 and her two kids all the best. As a child of divorce, I remember the hard and sad times but time really does (mostly) heal and now we have new family members, new traditions, and wonderful new memories that wouldn’t have been possible without going through the tough stuff. You’ve got this!

    1. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      Seconded by another child of divorce. My parents’ divorce was extremely nasty but we all bounced back from it. They made a lot of mistakes but I wasn’t irreparably harmed by any of them. It may be tough at times but it won’t stay tough forever. Plus, my darkly humorous anecdotes kill at parties, just like that time my mom almost ran over my dad on Thanksgiving.

      They call each other just to chat sometimes now.

      1. NickiFury*

        Hi all, LW2 here – THANK YOU. This is so hard and you have no idea how helpful it is to have some cheerleaders and supporters, even in a corner of the Internet. I appreciate all of you!

        2. Anon for this*

          Another voice of both support, and thanks to other commentors for sharing their experiences. I’m on the verge of leaving my husband for some very similar things that are definitely manifestations of deeper issues (he has diagnosed ADHD but refuses to acknowledge the effects it has on his life and the lives of those around him! He has deep unaddressed trauma from a rough childhood and won’t seek help! So many other things!). I’m so tired of having to walk on eggshells at home so I don’t inadvertently trigger an emotional outburst, I’m tired of making myself and my needs smaller to appease him, and I hate the effect this has on our kid.

          You’re doing the right thing, and I think your life will be so much easier once the dust has settled.

          1. Bitte Meddler*

            My ex has *diagnosed* ADHD and was taking medication and going to counseling for it, and it was STILL like living in a house seeded with land mines. I never knew which next step would be fine or would blow up in my face. And the rage was never consistent.

            On Tuesday, he’d be angry because I didn’t pick up his plate when I took mine to the sink.

            On Wednesday, he’d be rage-screaming at me because I picked up his plate when I took mine to the sink.

            Conclusion: There was literally nothing I could ever do or not do to keep him from getting angry. He WANTED to be angry. He lived for that self-righteous anger.

            Well, alrighty then, go be angry somewhere else. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

            (I say it lightly, but it took 17 years for me to get that place. I felt nothing but relief after he moved out).

            1. Anon for this*

              Oh, the land mine analogy is so apt. I never know what I’m going to come home to (he works from home, my work is in-person only) – sometimes I get a cheerful greeting, sometimes I get an explosion of frustration and/or the ADHD Brain Dump (TM) re: everything that has gone wrong in his day. I have found that over the last few years I’ve avoided asking for things I need, or even initiating conversations due to the number of times I’ve been blown up at over something that I thought was an innocuous question…

              And we’ve been together for nearly 20 years (although it wasn’t this bad until the last 5 years or so). I hear you.

            2. boof*

              My husband has total ADHD (dx as a kid, used to be on meds) and a temper but… does not randomly blow up at me? Like, maybe very rarely we get in a stupid fight over being oversensitive / insensitive but — IDK maybe I’m misreading about the ADHD-jerk connection but I just wanted to say one can have ADHD and still being a sweet and loving partner! Even if a bit distractable etc. It does require spelling out when something isn’t working well enough, relatively early, and the other person taking it seriously / working on it (but also being able to figure out what things are actually important and what you can let slide). But yeah no way I’d let being yelled at constantly slide, that’s fix it STAT or get out territory!

              1. Anon for this*

                Oh, I definitely didn’t mean to imply that having ADHD makes you a jerk! I know plenty of folks with ADHD who aren’t jerks. And I don’t even necessarily think my husband is a jerk, in that I don’t think he’s doing what he does intentionally. He just…consistently fails to appreciate that his behaviour has an effect on the people around him, and while he did eventually seek and receive diagnosis at my urging, what he desperately needs is therapy (he’s on meds but I think most folks with ADHD will tell you that’s not the whole picture in terms with thriving with your neurodivergent brain – I’m autistic and therapy has helped immensely).

                I have an enormous amount of sympathy for him – he’s dealing with the grief that a lot of folks diagnosed with ADHD late in life (mid-40s for him) deal with, i.e. wondering what his life could have been like if he had been diagnosed in childhood. And he has a lot of legitimately hard things happening in his life right now. But he just won’t acknowledge that he’s not dealing with these things well, and that the way in which he is not-dealing with these things is making his family miserable.

          2. Sillysaurus*

            It took me so long to realize that it didn’t matter WHY my ex was treating me the way he did, what mattered was the outcome. I came up with so many excuses for him (anxiety, ADHD, etc.) but finally thought, “hm, if this wasn’t [insert excuse here] and he just wanted to make me feel bad, what would he be doing differently?” And the answer, of course, was nothing.

            1. Bitte Meddler*

              When I came to the same realization (and people were like, ‘But… but he has ADHD! What happened to ‘in sickness and in health’??”) I called it “Punch Bitte in the Face” disease.

              If he had a disease that caused him to curl his hands into fists and swing them at my face, I would still have a broken nose / busted teeth / broken jaw whether he did it on purpose or literally couldn’t stop himself.

              Working with him to get the ADHD diagnosis and proper treatment were my attempts to slow down or soften his [metaphorical] punches.

              When the hits kept coming despite me turning myself inside out trying to find a cure, or the right words to say, or the right behavior, or the right non-behavior, or, or, or, or… I realized the diagnosis didn’t matter, but the outcome sure did.

              1. boof*

                Word. In the end if the way things aren’t better together and show no signs of getting there, just cut your losses, whatever the cause!

        3. Clarke*

          Adding to the list of supporters and cheerleaders! I hope the new year is filled with wonderful things and joy eventually for you and your kids.

        4. Numbersmouse*

          In case you need further confirmation: My parents divorced when I was 4 years old and my brother was 7, and my only memories of the time before the divorce are of them fighting. Every time I saw a perennially unhappy, bickering couple, I’ve been thankful that they made the right decision instead of dragging out their failed relationship; our childhood wasn’t perfect, far from it, but we had stable home lives and developed strong boundaries as well as self-reliance.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      I have a friend whose parents stayed together as long as they both lived. It was a “successful marriage”. My friend’s childhood home was awful, and she may never fully forgive her surviving parent for not getting a divorce.

      1. Grimalkin*

        If it weren’t for the surviving parent bit (both of mine are still alive), this friend could be me.
        My parents argue a lot, and have for all 30+ years of my life, but aren’t open to the idea of getting divorced. Living in a house with that much constant bickering has definitely had some negative repercussions on my mental health.
        Sometimes getting a divorce is the best thing you can do for your kids.

  11. anonprofit*

    Oh yay I’m so glad that’s how the headphones letter worked out, I was definitely getting a Vibe from the husband and I did NOT like it.

  12. Clarke*

    #2 – I remember both your original letter and your first update. I’m sure the changes and adjustments will be hard on you and your kids going forward, but I am also so happy for you. I hope this is the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter in your life filled with less stress and better relationships.

  13. Momma Bear*

    LW3, I’m so glad you were able to find what you needed, for both yourself and your spouse. Thank you for sharing.

  14. Annie*

    I don’t know exactly what type of presentation they were doing for lunch, but I think I’d just present a slide and it would be the same every time, just change the name!

  15. iglwif*

    Congrats on your divorce, LW2! It’s going to suck for a while but you and your kids will be better off.

    When I was 10, my mom asked my father for a divorce when he announced he had a girlfriend and would like to move to the guest bedroom. A few years later she started seeing my stepdad, whose wife had recently died. They’ve now been married for 29 years and it is visible from SPACE how much healthier and happier their marriage is than my mom’s first one (which lasted 13 years).

    From my perspective as my mom’s kid … the whole thing sucked at first, and there definitely were hard things about being the older child in our new single-parent and less-financially-stable family. My father did not become less of an inconsiderate butthead post-divorce, and my wee brother and I eventually ended up breaking up with him, mostly, in our own ways.

    But also, the house was more peaceful and collaborative, we were all walking on eggshells 99% less, and my mom was able to be a more chill parent because instead of having to cajole and persuade my father into participating in parenting (setting and enforcing rules, dealing with school and activities, driving carpool, agreeing to be home when she had to be out, literally any decision) she could just make the decisions and do the things.

    The one piece of advice I would give my mom, if I could travel back in time to the mid-1980s, is that we could have arrived at that chill and peaceful place sooner if she had been able to see the divorce not as her failure, or the failure of her marriage, but as our collective escape from a crappy situation.

  16. Dragon_Tea_Smithy*

    Hey LW2!
    I’ve been a single parent for the past 25 years now. My life was hard in different ways after I left, but those ways were so much healthier and emotionally better for my kids. Don’t worry about dating. If you leave a relationship, you should do it because living single for the rest of your life would be better than staying. And it was for me.

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