updates: work doesn’t interest me, bringing a sippy cup to work, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Work doesn’t interest me anymore

I had progressed to the end stage of that job interview process I wrote in about. But what started as feelings of non-excitement turned into the strong epiphany that this ultimately wasn’t the right job for me, so I decided to remove my candidacy from the pool. From what I gather from those on the inside, it sounded like the position would’ve gone to me, but I felt no regret whatsoever to step back. I knew I made the right decision.

About a month or so later, I applied for another position I felt glimmers of excitement for. I heard great things about the team, the culture there, I knew their work well, and the position would allow me to go from managing a small team to an individual contributor role (without taking a pay cut), which was a major bonus for me. After interviewing, I was offered the position, and it’s been pretty great ever since.

And while I enjoy my work now and collaborating with other colleagues, it’s the work-life balance and flexibility my team lead offers that makes me feel closer to the feelings of excitement that I was starting to miss. They are infinitely generous with their time and energy, and they look out for their team members in ways big and small, protecting our wellbeing and always centering our needs before anything else. They also make it a point to carve out new opportunities for all of us, looking out for our career growth and development along the way. If I could give this person a medal, I would.

Although I don’t know that I’ll ever again have the level of excitement and ambition I felt early on in my career, I’m OK with that now because I’m in a place where I can do good work and be part of a team that demonstrably implements flexibility and empathy, respecting the fact that the working world has changed, that workers and their needs have changed, and that work needn’t be someone’s full and sole identity anymore. And now that I’ve been on the team for long enough to get a better sense of the pace and rhythm, I’m looking for volunteer opportunities outside of work that more closely align with my interests so that I can continue decoupling what I do for a living from who I am as a person in the world.

I feel lucky to say that it’s been a really positive experience for me so far. I also want to note how grateful I am to you and your readers for sharing their experiences in the comments section, too—they made (and still make) me feel so much less alone or weird or deficient for feeling this way about work.

2. Assigning tasks to an assistant (#2 at the link)

Firstly, my assistant’s work load was not beyond what he could get done. In fact, he’s allowed to bill up to 25 hours and he was averaging about 15 hours a week. So that was not the reason for the constant boundary setting.

The stress caused by my assistant’s “not right now but I can do it tomorrow at 10am” or “I am doing something else right now, and I can’t get to this until Friday” or “I can’t do this right now” — boundary setting responses with every single assigned task got to me in a way that I had to finally ask him to respond specifically like this: “I’ll add it to my list.”

I made it clear several times that when I assign a task, I’m not asking that it be done at the time I’m assigning it. I just need to assign and move on, knowing it’ll be done when he can get to it.

Eventually, after having to reassert many times that “I added it to the list!” is all we need to hear, that is how he responds and all is well. If there’s something super urgent, we talk about his workload to see if we can rearrange priorities, but usually he gets everything done pretty quickly so really, the timing boundaries were never really needed and did nothing but stress me out, and make me feel overly managed by my employee.

I’ve seen tiktoks and things on social media, telling employees to force their bosses into excessive prioritization of their schedule and I think it’s just brutal on the employer. We are too busy to micromanage your schedule. And if you make a mistake or need to re-prioritize, it’s not a reflection on your work, you’re not in trouble and you don’t need to be defensive. It’s part of working with others. Don’t put all of that on your boss if you’re not being pushed or over-scheduled. It’s not helpful and can turn your boss against you.

For us, it worked out though — and the vibe at work is much more productive, and calm for both of us.

3. Is it weird to bring my toddler’s sippy cup to work with me?

I wrote in a few months ago about bringing my toddler’s sippy cup into the office to rinse it out in the sink. Was I overthinking it? 100%. But I very much appreciated the nuanced response to my question! I found myself feeling weird walking down the hall holding the cup; and the feeling was reinforced by my confused coworkers occasionally calling me out on it. But to clarify, no one was ever rude about it or reacted poorly. My coworkers are all great – I think they were just caught off-guard by seeing the unexpected item and questioned it before they even realized the logical explanation of why I was holding it. And once I explained it, it was entirely a non-issue.

I was unable to respond to the comments, but I read through all of them. I appreciated the suggestions and alternative options. And I especially appreciated the commenters who “defended” not changing up my morning routine, because yes, the struggle is real in the mornings and I refuse to negotiate with my (now) 3-year-old before I’ve had my coffee! It’s not an option to rinse the cup outside or at daycare, so at the end of the day, I took Alison’s advice and changed nothing. Not only do I have some seniority in my position at the office, but I’m also the oldest in a recent influx of pregnancies and new babies among my coworkers – so I will continue to carry the cup with pride, secure in my conviction that I’m doing a social good and hopefully helping the other moms on my team (if only a little bit)!

4. I’m missing out on work conversations because I don’t smoke (#3 at the link)

I had forgotten about the Friends episode some commenters mentioned and I am an avid watcher of the program.

John was very good at his job prior to being promoted. What I meant by being “promoted out of his competency” (a term I was introduced to on AAM) was that it is difficult for him to change his mindset and have to manage his friends, interact with those who are not his “friends,” discipline staff, and be aware of how the whole department functions rather than getting input from a select few .

The smoke breaks are social, he is not going out there to hold “a meeting” and make others uncomfortable. He is a nice guy and they like spending time with him so he would be missed if he stopped going. The breaks lead to work conversations and chit chat, particularly when he and Jane walk to and from the break. My health issues are not severe enough to warrant ADA involvement.

I did not speak to John specifically about this issue and I also realized after reading the comments that for those not in his friend group his demeanor can come across as animosity, or at least indifference, which I do not believe is intentional. I did end up speaking to him about an incident where he did not communicate specific information related to my job duty but did to others who had no involvement, and he seemed to be somewhat taken aback so I don’t think he would have been receptive to having a discussion about his smoke breaks. I do plan to speak to another director, who is also above him, about my concerns. They will be dividing up the director duties at John’s level so this is a good time to have that conversation.

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{ 24 comments }

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Generic Name*

    I think the update to #1 is so interesting. The OP expressed deep ennui about working, and it turned out that they just weren’t into the job they had applied to (or the one they were leaving). I went through something similar around the time I left my last job. I was thinking of moving to another state while still working remotely for my last company and just figuring I could “phone it in” or drop to part time in a LCOL part of the country. I’ve since gotten a new job, and feel much more energized by work because I like my new company/coworkers/projects I’m working on. I’m definitely not someone who lives to work, but this is a good reminder that if I start hating working maybe it’s the job I hate and not working in general necessarily. I’m still looking forward to being retired, though. :)

    Reply ↓
    1. Elizabeth West*

      I would give my left pinky toe to be able to retire, RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Probably never going to happen. *insert crying emoji here* Hopefully, I’ll win the lottery (gotta start playing, lol).

      Reply ↓
  2. I should really pick a name*

    I think #2 should look into why their assistant’s responses were stressing them out so much.

    It sounded like the assistant was trying to set expectations, not asking the LW to manage their priorities.

    Reply ↓
    1. LoraC*

      If they were trying to set expectations, then they were going about it the wrong way. Your manager doesn’t need to the know the minutia of your schedule or work priority every time they assign you a task.

      Just let them know if there’s going to be an immediate conflict or a problem, otherwise it can be saved for weekly reports or check-ins or whatever your workplace uses.

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    2. Starbuck*

      Yeah, I can see how any response that has more info than you need can be annoying if you’d just rather not have to deal with it, but calling it “stressful” and “brutal” is surprising to me. The first letter sounded like a classic example of someone who was used to being overscheduled and having bosses demand things done on a variety of incompatible timelines and having to deal with fallout from that when you can’t get the whole alphabet of tasks done in a day. Isn’t it easy to just say “Sure, getting to it on Friday is fine” or what have you? You don’t need to do anything, it sounds like. But oh well, glad it worked out.

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      1. not nice, don't care*

        I have a coworker who responds like OP’s employee all the time. It’s definitely an attempt to derail being managed, and to make pushing through the resistance brutal and stressful.

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    3. CB212*

      I once worked with someone whose job was more or less processing contracts and licenses for the department. She was good at it – but literally every time anyone brought her any new request,.she would wrap a Mantle of Heaviness around her shoulders and tell us how difficult it would be, the calls it would require, the paperwork, etc. And I’m sure it was all true… but also it was her entire job? I don’t know why every request was met with basically a “no, oh no, mmm this is a lot…. well, I’ll see what I can do.” You don’t want one person in your office to push back at every new item! I think LW2 felt like the assistant was making every task into a discussion when they could just… Not.

      Reply ↓
    4. Nodramalama*

      It sounds like they weren’t setting expectations as much as essentially asking LW to reorganise their schedule. Which yes, on top of every other task LW has, would likely be stressful

      Reply ↓
  3. Kes*

    re: 2 – I think a big part of the problem is how negative his phrasing is. “Sure, I should be able to get to that on Friday” sounds a lot better than “I am doing something else right now, and I can’t get to this until Friday” – the latter really sounds like he isn’t accepting the work and that you’re imposing a burden on him when he’s so busy. It needs to be clear that he is accepting the work and taking ownership of his own scheduling of his work (except where there actually is a conflict between different pieces of work and the conversation needs to be had to figure it out. Even then, there’s more positive ways to raise that if needed).

    However, it sounds like they did arrive at an arrangement that works for them, so glad to hear it

    Reply ↓
    1. HannahS*

      Yeah, I agree. It doesn’t really project competence to essentially say, “I can’t do that right now” to every single task you’re assigned. I get setting expectations and talking about scheduling when you have more work than you can handle within a time period–it’s a conversation I have often with my supervisors and with the people I manage. But every single time a task is assigned? It’s way too much.

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    2. Turquoisecow*

      I wonder if he used to work for someone who was more of a micromanager or insisted everything was URGENT and so he felt the need to explain why he wasn’t dropping everything to do it right then and there and also confirm with OP that it was in fact okay to do that. I’m glad they found something that worked for them so OP could communicate if something IS urgent and the assistant can speak up if he is overwhelmed with work.

      Reply ↓
  4. Ann O'Nemity*

    “2. Assigning tasks to an assistant” was fascinating to me, simply because I’m so used to hearing advice that employees should use language like “I can do A, B, and C but not D” or “I can’t get to this until Friday because of XYZ priorities.” But we rarely hear what it’s like to be the manager on the other side of the conversation.

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    1. constant_craving*

      I think that advice is generally for when an employee is overloaded rather than when they have enough time for the assigned tasks though.

      Reply ↓
      1. Wayward Sun*

        Yeah, when you’re overloaded (which is the more usual situation) it makes sense to ask your manager, “you’ve given me three tasks and I have time to get two done before the deadline. Which one should I sacrifice?”

        Reply ↓
    2. magic*

      In this case it sounds like the timeline isn’t actually an issue, though. OP says, “Don’t put all of that on your boss if you’re not being pushed or over-scheduled.” So I think that advice is still good, just not if your boss isn’t actually trying to get you to do more/faster than possible.

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      1. Coverage Associate*

        Yeah, I haven’t gone back and read the original, but it takes time for a new employee to understand a manager’s rhythm. I guess ideally the employee asks “When do you need this?” though that puts a similar burden on the manager to manage the employee’s schedule.

        I have been at my job for 13 months now and am having lots of year end conversations about timing expectations like these, because my work is varied enough that I don’t understand what timing is usual for all the things I do.

        I probably mentioned this on the original post, but as an employee, a manager sending, “Do you have time for a new assignment?” emails is tricky. Time right now? Today? This week? Mostly, I have learned to respond with when I could next get to a new assignment. It’s very, very rare that I have time that day, basically only if something significant was canceled.

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    3. Nodramalama*

      Yes, but that language is for when work actually has to be reprioritised. OP is saying that the assistant was not at capacity

      Reply ↓
  5. Wayward Sun*

    I remember #3. The comments discussion about what was and wasn’t reasonable to do with a used sippy cup was surprisingly contentious.

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    1. Sc@rlettNZ*

      And who are the weirdos commenting on it? If I saw a colleague carrying, say, a pink flamingo around the office I would probably comment on it, but a cup, even a sippy cup. WTF?

      Reply ↓
      1. Nodramalama*

        There was a massive go around last time as well, and as LW pointed out in this follow up, it seems less like weirdos and more people who noticed something out of place and innocently said something.

        Reply ↓
  6. Zona the Great*

    I also notice the odd advice on social media. There are two “Veronicas” on TikTok who talk about boundary setting at work. One is funny and cute (the one who did Starbucks parodies) and the other advocates a lot of what I think of as aggressive interactions with supervisors. She typically does her skits in pretend office jobs rather than customer service like the other. And while her message is not to do more than you’re paid to do and to stop agreeing to help a company who wouldn’t help you when you need it, she models it as a conflict or confrontation. In one case the skit showed a supervisor ask her to do OT on a Monday for example. Then on Tuesday supervisor says, Oh I’m sorry but we can’t pay you OT after all so I need you to leave early today to off-set those hours. And Veronica replies that no she will not leave early and you will be paying me for extra hours as you committed to doing–all with a terrible tone. Even for someone like me who advocates a take-no-shit stance, this is insane behavior.

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  7. all your bases belong to us*

    “so I will continue to carry the cup with pride, secure in my conviction that I’m doing a social good and hopefully helping the other moms on my team (if only a little bit)!”

    Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s, no one cares as long as you’re not changing your baby’s diaper on the tables out in the main eating area.
    Seriously, Brenda, chillax a bit.

    Reply ↓

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