{ 951 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. sarah*

    Reading thread! Say what you’re reading / ask for and give book recommendations!

    I’ve been on an Agatha Christie binge. What are your favorite more contemporary mysteries?

    2. PippinTook*

      just getting into the latest Louise Penny, The Grey Wolf. I love the ancient Roman mysteries of Lindsey Davis.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m on a Lindsey Davis reread! Currently on The Iron Hand of Mars which might be my favourite from the Falco books.

        1. Jessica*

          Question for people who like Lindsey Davis: I was attracted to the idea of ancient Roman mysteries and I read the first one (silver pigs?) but was meh about it and didn’t continue. Can’t remember the details of my opinion because it’s been years. But I think lots of series don’t warm up to their best immediately. Do you think this one got better? Should I try again? Any thoughts?

          1. ACC*

            I am another Lindsey Davis fan, have read all her books. My husband, like you, couldn’t really get into them. I would say Falco is Falco pretty much from the jump, perhaps that character doesn’t grab you – you might want to skip his half of the series and reboot with the first one featuring his adult daughter, Flavia Albia, as the PI. While her books reference things from the past, her family history etc., I think you could start with Ides of April and get into the swim of it quickly. Then it might inspire you to go back and read the Falco books later for the backstory on some of the characters (Falco makes very occasional cameos in Albia’s books but not frequently). I loooove the ancient Rome setting but don’t love Falco’s violent tendencies. I prefer Albia’s stories.

          2. GoryDetails*

            I admit that I’m only so-so about the Lindsey Davis books, but I love Steven Saylor’s “Roma Sub Rosa” series – also set in ancient Rome, starring Gordianus the Finder (a proto-detective of sorts), and covering a LOT of historical events while neatly fitting mysteries and character relationships in between. I think I read that one from the first book on – Roman Blood was the first published, though more recent books and stories take place earlier in the timeline – and enjoyed it from the outset. Most of the books stand alone fairly well, although the ongoing changes in Gordianus’ household over the years will add some interest if read in order. (Another favorite novel in the series is Arms of Nemesis. And the short story collection The Seven Wonders features a young Gordianus going on a tour of the seven ancient wonders, with the poet Antipater as his guide. That one’s a lot of fun, with Saylor attempting to describe those wonderful sights as they would have appeared in Gordianus’ time.

    3. Jackalope*

      I’m reading Night Flyer by Tiya Miles. It’s a biography of Harriet Tubman and I’m really loving it. The author is honest about the bad stuff re slavery, but also about many of the good things in her life, and she tries to paint HT as a heroic ordinary person rather than a superhero. I’ve been enjoying it a lot and highly recommend it.

      I also read How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying by Django Wexler. It’s entertaining and made me laugh several times, while also taking itself seriously enough not to be just silly. The main character has spent hundreds of lives over and over trying to save the world and failing each time, losing to the Dark Lord. She finally decides to join the winning side and become the Dark Lord herself.

      1. word nerd*

        I’m in the middle of Night Flyer too, but I have to admit I’m not loving it–it’s so speculative about her feelings and thoughts (partly because there’s just not much source material from her) and I’m not that satisfied with well, here are some comparisons to other black women from her time. I do find that historical context interesting sometimes, but I was hoping for less meandering. One issue is that I just don’t know that much about Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad in the first place beyond what I got from school, so I’d like to know more of the basics that the author touches on only briefly assuming you probably know all that. Maybe it means I just need to read a different sort of book first to appreciate this one more.

        1. Lizard*

          I read All That She Carried by Tiya Miles earlier this year and felt similarly. That book included an essay/note about her process at the end that made me appreciate the speculative part of it more – to the point that I wish I had read it before the rest of the book. I don’t know if she always includes something like that, but I thought I’d mention it just in case!

          1. Hibiscus*

            Tiya Miles also wrote Wild Girls: How the Outdoors Shaped the Women Who Challenged a Nation which also might be too speculative for your tastes but is well-reviewed and enjoyable.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I read Scotty Bowers’s memoir, *Full Service*, about his time as an (unpaid, or so he says) pimp to the Hollywood stars from the late 1940s on. Content warning for descriptions of child sexual assault and child sex work (both in Scotty’s own history–he seems remarkably unbothered by what happened to him as a child), and for certain stars, the author gets pretty detailed about what they did and didn’t like in bed.

      It certainly was interesting, and I read it in one night. Bowers comes off as a fairly likable but very self-involved narcissist. He admits a lot of his flaws without ever seeming terribly sorry about them. At the time he wrote the book, he was 89 years old and still in demand as a bartender for Hollywood parties. He died at 96 after a long and apparently very happy life. Go figure.

    6. Tradd*

      Sue Grafton’s Alphabet series (she died before it was completed)

      Sara Paretsky’s VI Warshawsky books set in Chicago

      The Inspector Lynley series by Elizabeth George

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Definitely agree on Paretsky and Grafton, Tradd. I still miss the anticipation of the next Kinsey Milhone book. After Sue Grafton died, part of her family’s statement was, “For us, the alphabet now ends with Y.”

      2. I take tea*

        I used to read the Inspector Lynley series, but I bounced off them so hard at a certain point that I actually gave all of them away, because I couldn’t read them anymore. I don’t want to spoil anyone, but those who have read the series can probably guess.

        1. Happily Retired*

          Has anyone else noticed the trope of (especially British) male detectives who are divorced, widowed, or single? (bonus points when there’s an adult daughter to add a female perspective but without that all messy romance stuff.)

          The “lone wolf” detective dominates the genre. Isn’t reliably home for dinner, can’t be counted on to pick up the kids from daycare, hasn’t figured how to vent/ detox/ unload from work to a partner.

          If I were in a TV detective serial cast as the lead character’s main squeeze, I would keep my resume and contact list updated, because with a very few exceptions (Mme. Maigret!), you won’t be there very long. No distractions from The Hunt are allowed for the detective.

      3. Georgina Sands*

        I absolutely love the Warshawski series. I’m not even particularly into crime, but I would be if more were like that!

    7. Mobie's Mom Now*

      P.J. Tracy has a couple series I really like, the Monkeewrench series set in the Twin Cities, and the Maggie Nolan series set in LA. I read the Monkeewrench series several years ago and just found the newer ones today, so that’s exciting!

    8. Bertha Rochester Likes Fire*

      I have really enjoyed the Her Royal Spyness series by Rhys Bowen. They’re set in the 1930s and are a fun little romp!

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Donna Andrews’ bird mysteries are the ones I buy in hardcover on the release date. I enjoy both the mysteries and that she leaned into the sense of community.

      I also recommend her 4 book “You’ve Got Murder” series, with an AI sleuth.

      1. Patty M*

        I prefer the “You’ve got Murder” ones. So sad those didn’t continue. Love the bird ones too. She is so funny and her characters so wacky!

      2. tangerineRose*

        I pre-order Donna Andrews’ bird mysteries. They’re great! They’re fun and have a lot about animals.

    11. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Took some effort to get through The Affair of the Bloodstained Tea Cosy. Great name, but just as it finally got interesting it turned farcical.

      And I finished the last Aunt Dimity book! I’m sad there aren’t any more. It’s such sweet, simple reading.

      In the DNF category were Bee Sting by Paul Murray and In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume. Just couldn’t get into them.

    12. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I love Anthony Horowitz. If you haven’t read MAGPIE MURDERS yet, I think it might be up your alley. A Golden Age-style mystery sandwiched within a contemporary mystery.

      1. Cordelia*

        and if you can get BBC shows somehow, there’s a great adaptation of this one and more recently a sequel, Moonflower Murders

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Moving into the home stretch of Christmas reading: Connie Willis short story collection A Lot Like Christmas, the collection of American Christmas stories she edited (I especially love the Dorothy Parker piece about the saccharine “millionaire and golden haired child on a train” stories that appear in magazines every year, and the creepy story The Wild Wood.) Also read Arthur C Clarke’s The Star and TS Elliott’s and Langston Hughes’ Christmas poems.

      Then it’s A Christmas Carol and I should be done until January, when I finish up with Auden’s For The Time Being. It has one of my favorite lines of poetry or prose: “I don’t know why, but I’m glad I’m here.”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Are you familiar with The Christmas Mystery by Gaarder? It’s structured as an advent calendar, to read one story per day, focused on the elements in a creche.

      2. RW*

        I also read Connie Willis short stories every December! My favourite is All Seated On The Ground, because it’s just pure shenanigans in the very best Connie Willis way (and also the first of her Christmas stories I read, and the one that prompted me to seek out the rest of the collection!)

      3. Dancing Otter*

        I read “The Star” in junior high, a week before my confirmation. It really shook me (At 13, the line between fiction and possible truth was less established.), and I’ve never forgotten it in the decades since.
        Trying to look at it objectively, I think it’s very well crafted. Even rereading it, I don’t see any hints of the ending.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m loving Janice Hallett lately: The Appeal was great, and I’m just starting The Examiner.

    15. Writerling*

      Finally getting around to continuing the Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo (currently on #2), I forget how digestible quick reads they are and they’re great examples of paring down the world building and letting the reader do the work. Hoping I can read the rest before the end of the month and have those count towards my yearly book goal but TBD.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The second one has a mammoth as a major character, and I treasure it for that alone.

        I need more mammoths in my reading.

        1. Losing the thread*

          I’ve also really enjoyed the Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo.

          And speaking of mammoths, I also liked Tusks of Extinction by Ray Nayler. A scientist’s digitized consciousness is implanted into a mammoth to teach a resurrected mammothd herd how to be mammoths. Short and powerful.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          There’s a non fiction tween book that’s one of those “how everything works” books that features wooly mammoths! I can’t remember the title but it’s adorable and very informative.

    17. Jackalope*

      Just had a thought for a rec request. I’ve started enjoying romance novels, as well as romantasy (probably the latter is more of my true passion but I enjoy both). That being said, there’s a current trope that is making it hard for me to keep reading a lot of the romances I’ve come across: the third-act breakup. SO many romances are built around a point partway through the book when the two romantic leads break up and then get back together, often with a grand gesture. The thing is, this trope doesn’t work for me AT ALL. A breakup is generally the end of a relationship, and I can’t believe in the happily ever after at the end if they broke up at some point.

      So does anyone have any recs for romances that don’t use this trope? As mentioned, I enjoy romantasy a lot (and it’s less likely to use said trope because the characters have a shared goal like saving the world so they don’t need artificial drama from a breakup), and I’ve enjoyed some historical romances as well – my favorite is Courtney Milan. I’m also down for modern books also, although those are more likely to use the trope. Thoughts?

      1. No name yet*

        I listen to a book podcast (Reading Glasses), and someone asked for this exact thing – in the podcast-affiliated Slack, someone posted this link that lists 20 romance books without that trope: https://www.instagram.com/p/C_kvVLTR79Z/

        I haven’t read any of them, and it doesn’t look like any are romantasy, but might be worth a look?

      2. Makare*

        I don’t know how you feel about gay romance, but KJ Charles is a master at making relationships that feel believable and where the parties actually communicate—sometimes there is a bit of a breakup (or at least a separation due to circumstances), but it’s almost always solved relatively quickly through communication. “The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen” is a great place to start with her, in my opinion.

        1. Jackalope*

          I’m totally down for all flavors of queer romance. I’ve read some really good stuff that because it was queer avoided some of the gender pitfalls other romance novels can sometimes have. Unfortunately there’s a lot of queer romance that’s also picked up the third act breakup but I’m always hopeful it will avoid it.

      3. Forrest Rhodes*

        The Boyfriend School, by Sarah Bird (was movie-fied twice, I think, but they really aren’t very good)
        I’m not particularly a fan of romance novels; picked this one up in a random moment years ago. I liked the characters, and Bird’s writing had me laughing out loud. About halfway through the book, the lights went on: hey, this is a non-romance-novel romance novel!
        I’ve reread it several times since then, and it still works. Not offering any guarantees here, but you might enjoy it too.

      4. KayDee*

        @Jackalope
        I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books site, but it is awesome for recommendations on romance novels of all sorts. They may even have had a recommendation request recently for books with no third-act breakup, and I know they have reviewed romantasy books.
        For recommendations, have you read any T Kingfisher? Her Paladin series is great, as is Swordheart, a standalone set in the same world as the Paladin stories.

      5. GoodNPlenty*

        I hate that too. Have you read any of Gabaldon’s Outlander series? She writes like she’s paid by the word but the core romance is rock solid.

      6. Middle Aged Lady*

        Your post made me think of Jane Austen. Of her major novels, P&P and Persuasion have the break-up trope, but are still so good! Because the reasons for the break-up/rejections and the reasons to get back together make sense. Mansfield Park, Emma, Sense and Sensibility, and Northanger Abbey are ones you might enjoy.

      7. Jackalope*

        This question is one that’s plagued me for awhile, since I’ve become increasingly distressed at third act breakups (TABs) in books. The immediate motivation for this, however, was starting a book, thinking with distress that it was in the same style as many books with a TAB, and trying to decide if I should even finish it. Happy to say that I did, and it did NOT contain a TAB. The two leads did have a fight near the end, they went their separate ways for a few hours to cool down, and then they had a conversation like adults and worked through it. No breakup required. So huzzah! (The book was Looking for Lovr In All the Haunted Places by Claire Kann, if anyone is curious.)

    18. Nessun*

      Just finished all my Charles Todd (was rereading the Inspector Rutledge series, 1920s English mystery with a protagonist with PTSD basically), now on a PD James kick.

    19. Angstrom*

      Dick Francis. Not quite “cozy” but comfortably predictable. Our hero will be something of a loner with an interesting job, probably related to horse racing, will get caught up in unfortunate events, and will eventually triumph by being brave and smart but not superhuman. Well written, good dialogue, believable characters.

      1. ACC*

        I go through phases where I can’t get enough Dick Francis, and then phases where the sexism and animal cruelty get to me. But the man (or possibly his wife, according to some sources) could plot a breakneck mystery! (pun intended)

        1. Angstrom*

          So true! They’re either beaten up by the villian’s thugs, run over by horses after falling in a steeplechase race, or both. It’s not an easy job. ;-)

          It’s like the heros in a lot of hardboiled detective fiction, who are knocked out at least a couple of times per story — fists, saps, pistol-whipped, etc. It’s a wonder they weren’t all permanently concussed.

      3. I take tea*

        Dick Francis is my comfort read as well. I actually think the sexism isn’t especially bad, in most of the books at least. But I read a lot of older genre literature, I am used to ignore some things.

    20. LarryforPM*

      I made the mistake of going into a charity bookshop in a town I was visiting for a few days. They had a big pile of Ngaio Marsh (Inspector Alleyn) books for £1 each and I bought the lot. Oops.
      If you like Agatha Christie, Marsh is a contemporary, writes mysteries set in Britain or New Zealand, quite a few have a theatrical bias.

    21. Evvy*

      I reread a couple of the James Herriot country vet books while in bed with a cold! They’ve been comfort reads for me ever since I was a little kid, and now as an adult I’m also really appreciating the craft of the short story in them, especially knowing a bit more about how he was able to structure his real-life experiences into stories that made narrative sense to the audience without losing their authenticity.

      2. Just here for the scripts*

        PBS passport’s 4 seasons of the show are free to everyone through new years. Then you’ll need access by donating to PBS

    22. Falling Diphthong*

      Reading Nexus by Yuval Noah Harari, about the history of information networks. The topic is of general interest to me (book/library nerd), and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the effects on society of living in a firehose of disinformation, and the point from his previous book that we form ourselves into human networks via shared stories.

      So far really good, a lot of “Huh, I never connected these things before” moments. For example, as soon as bureaucracies were invented, people found them impenetrable. That’s not some late-stage bureaucracy marker; it seems to be inherent in the system.

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I really liked when Patty/Selma spoke to someone in China as ‘bureaucrat to bureaucrat’ on The Simpsons.

    23. word nerd*

      Nothing too exciting for me this week. I thought Annie Bot by Sierra Greer was pretty decent. She’s an AI bot in a romantic relationship with her guardian, but he’s so insufferable it was hard for me to read sometimes. It reminded me a bit of the movie Her, except that she has a physical body and looks so human she deceives peope who aren’t aware that she’s AI.

      I’ve been slowly making my way through the Prydain Chronicles by Alexander Lloyd, and after finishing #3, I think I might just stop. It’s not terrible, but I haven’t been captivated by it either.

      Native Tongue by Suzette Elgin had a fascinating premise (dystopian scifi involving oppressed women linguists developing their own language), and I love linguistics (see username), but the actual writing was so bad I couldn’t finish it.

      I was disappointed by T. Kingfisher’s Summer in Orcus this week too–the writing felt so fanficy to me and not put together nearly as well as some of her more recent traditionally published work.

      1. Marmalade Today*

        Have you read the Westmark trilogy, by Alexander Lloyd? More obscure than the Prydain chronicles, but much better, in my opinion. A story of brave young people (a printer’s apprentice and a beggar girl with skill in ventriloquism, initially) facing tyranny and civil war in what seem like small European countries in the late 1800’s. Solid YA storytelling.

        2. I take tea*

          I recommend the Westmark series too. Also really interesting because it delves into the problems the good guys face when the evil is defeated and they are the rulers. That’s something many never give thought to.

      2. Guin*

        It’s LLOYD ALEXANDER. And if you don’t like mythic fantasy, put it down and move on to something else.

        1. Jackalope*

          This is a weirdly hostile response. I know someone getting the name wrong can be annoying, but no need to yell about it. And part of the point of the reading threads is for people to share what they’re reading and how they feel about it. The OP for this thread didn’t happen to connect to this particular series; that doesn’t mean they must give up mythic fantasy forever, or that their opinions are bad just because they apparently disagree with yours.

    24. Jazz and Manhattans*

      For the specific mysteries request, I’m reading Dashiell Hammet (multiple short story compilations) and hoping for some Erle Stanley Gardner (specifically Perry Mason) for Christmas.

      In addition to those, I’m also finishing Fascism: A Warning by Madeleine Albright

    25. Turtle Dove*

      I’m about halfway through the Jack Irish books by Peter Temple. That series is my favorite on Acorn TV, so I figured I’d read the books the shows are based on. Excellent! Jack investigates problems and dodges bad guys in Australia. His world is gritty and humorous and includes horse racing. (I’m just now realizing the similarities to Dick Francis, another favorite author.) My library doesn’t have the series, but the interlibrary-loan system does.

    26. Nervous Nellie*

      Nearly finishing Fernando Pessoa’s The Book of Disquiet. I don’t want it to end! It’s so dreamy. I hope fellow reader here (hi, carcinization!) manages to find the full edition of this and enjoys it as well.

      One for me this week, for my Year of Penguin Classics – The Epic of Gilgamesh, thought to be the earliest book ever known, written 2100 years before the common era (so about 4100 years ago – whoa). I figure start at the beginning. I chose the prose translation by N.K. Sandars. It’s a skinny little book. It’s a story about a king’s quest for immortality. Highly recommended. What must daily life have been like then? Amazing to think about it.

      1. allx*

        With many thanks to you, I have been reading The Penguin Classics Guide (Henry Eliot) all week. I love this book (a book about books) and that is even before I start to read the actual Penguin Classics catalogued in this book. It is so interesting. Being so enthusiastic about this reading, I then ordered The Penguin Modern Classics Guide, which picks up the Penguin cataloguing where Classics leaves off (about 1961) and a set of 50 of the Penguin Modern Classics. I wrapped both of them as a gift for myself. I’m so excited to embark on my Penguin Classic New Year’s resolution. Thanks a million for the inspiration!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Yahoo, allx! I’m so pleased you’re enjoying them, and that you made them your house gifts and that your 2025 may be even brighter with them as your reading lists. Let me know here which Penguins you delve into, and I will do the same. Enjoy that boxed set of the minis! That’s a marvelous present.

    27. Dontbeadork*

      Bruno, Chief of Police series by Martin Walker. Set in St. Denis, France and features loving descriptions of food and Bruno’s leisure activities as well as the various mysteries he solves.

      They are more violent than I generally read, but don’t exactly welter in gore. Often the cases involve events from the past.

    28. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ugh, can I please ask if anyone has read All the Colors of the Dark by Chris Whitaker? I don’t normally read mysteries but I was really enjoying the first third and then it just spiraled out of control and I completely lost interest in the story, which kept going and going and going for another 300 or so pages and I finally gave up. But it seems like other people really loved this book so I would like to hear why.

      1. Lore*

        I can’t help explain it because I completely agree with you. I did finish it but with ever increasing annoyance at the ever increasing implausibility of the plot.

    29. Not Australian*

      Not ‘contemporary’ by any stretch, but Margery Allingham is becoming an unjustly forgotten author IMHO. ‘Flowers for the Judge’ would be my recommendation: Richie Barnabas, one of the characters in that, is an immense favourite of mine. There are TV and audiobook adaptations of many of Allingham’s works, including ‘Flowers for the Judge’.

    30. Falling Diphthong*

      Three Bags Full, in which a shepherd is murdered and his sheep set out to solve the crime.

      Sheep excel at acting casual.

      1. ACC*

        I just read this last week and thought it was FANTASTIC. While it mostly plays things straight, with very minimal winking at the audience, I will not spoil one of the best jokes in the entire thing which comes right at the beginning with the cast of characters. When I saw it, I knew I was in good hands, and since requested her other books in English.
        The sequel to Three Bags Full is coming out in English next year after being published years ago in Germany – I’m psyched!
        (ps it’s contemporary, set in rural Ireland)

      4. Slinky*

        Ooh I’ll have to keep this one in mind! My mother loves mysteries and sheep, so this would be perfect for her!

      5. Katydid*

        It was so hard to get through! I put it down a few times and in the end I was just sad. I couldn’t understand the love or recommendations either!

    31. Seashell*

      I read Michael McDonald’s (of Doobie Brothers and other fame) memoir, co-written by Paul Reiser. It was interesting if you like that era of music. I didn’t know he was such a mess back then from substance abuse – it was certainly common among musicians then, but you expect it more from the harder rock musicians than someone who makes more mellow music.

    32. Patty M*

      Did you read Jacqueline Winspear? Set in WWI and WWII but living writer. I adore Laura Levine! Very funny! Contemporary. It all depends on what you like to read-there are mysteries about everything now! Call or visit your local public library. We can recommend for your specific reading interests!

    33. carcinization*

      Blitz by O’Malley (3rd in the Checquy series). I wanted to check out King’s Fairy Tale from the library for my holiday break, as it’s gotten accolades here and otherwise even from folks who aren’t Constant Readers, but apparently there are two people ahead of me for it, so I guess I might be waiting a month or so :/

    34. Rainy*

      I’ve been re-reading all the Tamora Pierce Tortall books in order, and I cannot remember for the life of me why I didn’t like the Trickster books when they came out, because I’m really enjoying them.

      1. Jackalope*

        I loved all of them except the third book of the Beka Cooper series. Unfortunately I hated the end so much that it broke the series for me (just that trilogy), but the rest of them are great.

        1. Rainy*

          I bought the first one of the Beka Cooper series when it came out but I don’t think I even finished it. I might get it from the library and try again. I don’t think I want to spend money on them if I don’t have to.

          I’m gutted that I apparently either got rid of my copies of the Circle of Magic/Circle Opens books (or they were in a box that got lost in one of the many moves I’ve made since I last remember reading them). I love Briar’s Tale especially because the magic epidemiology is so much fun, but all of them were good. Somehow the only one I still have is a hardcover of Battle Magic, which I think was the most recently published.

      2. Evvy*

        Ahhhhhhh Tortall!! Best books ever… I had the same experience as you, didn’t like the Trickster series as a kid and skipped it, then came back as an adult and was delighted that I had left some to be discovered new!

        1. Rainy*

          I think that I don’t really like the protagonist’s romance plot line in those books and that’s what sort of dominated my memory of them. Everything else is so good, though! :)

          (Also, I was in my late 20s when they came out–they might have hit a little differently if I’d been a teenager or younger.)

    35. allx*

      Definitely Sara Gran. City of the Dead, Bohemian Highway, Infintie Blacktop. Love them. Such smart writing.

    36. GoryDetails*

      In addition to a slew of holiday-season-themed mystery and horror anthologies, I read three quite lovely graphic novels recently:

      Plain Jane and the Mermaid by Vera Brosgol: It’s the tale of young Jane, who’s been told all her life how plain she is – though she had some respect due to her wealthy family. But when her parents die she finds that she can’t inherit anything unless she marries (pesky male-centered inheritance laws!). And the only option is her awful cousin… She decides to run for it, hoping she can convince Peter – a village boy known for his extreme good looks, and something of a friend – to help her out. But she sees him captured by a mermaid, and thus begins her quest to save her friend!

      The story’s a lively one, with more depth than I’d expected (and not just the deep-sea kind of “depth”!). The mermaids and their motives, the grumpy seal that Jane rescues (and names for her also-grumpy pet cat Mr. Whiskers), the many sea creatures and their interactions – and the way Jane discovers more about herself while also realizing that others, from Mr. Whiskers-the-seal to Peter, may not be quite what she’d imagined.

      Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me by Mariko Tamaki: The story opens with our heroine Freddy writing emails to an online advice columnist (and thus narrating her own story for us). Seems she’s in love with the charismatic Laura Dean, who has broken up with her several times – but poor Freddy always darts back the moment Laura turns up again. (The cast are all LGBTQ+, but the story could apply to anyone in an on-again-off-again relationship.) I enjoyed seeing how the main character and her closest friend worked through their own issues, and how Freddy eventually saw her beloved as less of a whimsical free spirit and more of a narcissist.

      Rapunzel’s Revenge by Shannon and Dean Hale: It’s a very entertaining re-imagining of the story of Rapunzel, here set in a kind of steampunk Wild West – where Mother Gothel rules her territory with an iron hand, blithely suppressing anyone who gets in her way. When Rapunzel finds out that she was taken from her birth parents due to the fairytale bargain about her mother stealing greens, she rebels against Gothel and is banished – to a tower grown from a single tree, deep in the woods where the magical growth-power is strongest.

      She does escape from the tower, joins up with a wandering rogue named Jack who keeps a live goose as a companion (people will probably guess his origin story early on), and decides to figure out the source of Gothel’s power so she can break it and free her mother, along with everyone else under Gothel’s sway. Lively, action-packed – a lot of fun.

    37. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Just started the Judge Marcus Severus mysteries with MARS, THE AVENGER. He made an awful decision but it made (horrific) sense.

    38. Ali + Nino*

      Looking for recommendations – a funny book my husband and I can read aloud with each other. could be intentionally or unintentionally funny. We’ve enjoyed reading The Importance of Being Earnest (ok so plays count too), Toxin by Robin Cook (perhaps unintentionally funny) and I like books by Jincy Willet and more recently Diary of a Provincial Lady.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Sourdough by Robin Sloan might fill the bill. If you’ve ever baked bread or dealt with foodies there’s a lot to laugh at here, and the plot is a funny one.

      2. I take tea*

        Doreen Tovey Cats in the Belfry! A couple in rural England in the 1960’s who have Siamese cats. It’s hilarious and workes well for reading aloud. She wrote other books too, which presumably are fun as well.

    39. Square Root of Minus One*

      Miranda James Librairian’s Cat series is a good, nice, cosy mystery to me. I also read occasionally Rhys Bowen (Her Royal Spyness) and H.Y. Hanna (the Oxford teashop series).
      In more substantial mysteries I’m a fan of Stuart Turton, even though I didn’t like tha last one as much. I’ve read no mystery that was nearly as excellent as “The Devil And The Dark Water” in recent years.

    40. Bike Walk Barb*

      Thanks to someone recommending Elly Griffiths here, that’s top of mind. Her Dr. Ruth Galloway series features a forensic archaeologist who starts helping the local police. Great character development and the timing of the series extends through the pandemic. Main character criticizes her own body a bit much in the first book but that settles down over the series.

      That series led me to her Brighton mysteries, set after WWII with a cast of magicians who did some trickster work to fool the Nazis and now find themselves involved in and solving mysteries after the war.

      She also has four books featuring Harbinder Kaur, queer Sikh woman and detective. I liked those as well, with the caveat that I don’t know enough about Sikh culture to know if she handled that well.

    42. Wfh4vr*

      Just discovered the fabuulous Mrs Pollifax series by Dorothy Gilman. Doesn’t every widow from New Jersey want to become a CIA spy???

    43. Bast*

      I just finished The Teller of Small Fortunes by Julie Leong. There was something cozy about this book that made me want to curl up with a cup of tea and my cats and get sucked in.

      1. BellaStella*

        One joy was getting my snow tires on so another tire joy! Also snow and seeing deer in the snow!

        1. Evvy*

          Ahhhhh I love seeing deer in the snow!! And it’s such a great feeling getting your snow tires on and knowing you won’t have to deal with them again all winter!

    3. Sparkly Librarian*

      My kid, who is five, has been making adorable pronouncements that make me laugh aloud.

      “Mama, can I have a hug? You know, it’s a family tradition to give kids hugs if they ask.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Aw! I’m not even a kid person and I give kids hugs if they ask. (Assuming they are kids I know or their parents are at least near enough to express if they’re not ok with it.)

      4. Snacattack*

        Love it!

        Another kid quote. I took my grandson, who is eight, to see the movie the Wizard of Oz at the big downtown theater. Our dog died earlier this year, and I was a bit concerned about my grandson’s reaction when Toto is taken away by Miss Gulch. But he just grinned at me and said “no dogs were harmed in the making of this movie. “

    4. Six Feldspar*

      It took until 1am, but I finished the Christmas decorations for my family (first gifting is today) and I’m riding the crafting high!

      I am also solemnly swearing never to knit with embroidery floss ever again…

          1. I want fruit cake*

            those are super cute! But how do you knit embroidery thread? with sewing needles? I’ve got some quite small knitting needles. but they’d still be too large for thread, even all the strands together. Well done!

            1. Six Feldspar*

              The ones I used are metric 2.25/us 1/imperial 13, about the same size as skewers for kebabs/etc. The embroidery floss was hard to knit without splitting the threads, but each floss created one prawn and enough left over to sew up the seam and add the legs. (The pattern is knit in the round but I converted it to flat because I’d generally rather chew my arm off than knit small things in the round, I’m a bit scarred from knitting the arms for my first jumper…)

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I went to a big box store to get some emergency t-shirts, and I found one with Bessie Coleman on it and one with Maya Angelou on it!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Seriously! : ) I used to live in Oakland back in the ’90s, and she was prominently featured in one of the historical displays at one of the Bay Area airports — one of the great Black women aviators!

    6. Catagorical*

      I was going to miss going to visit a friend due to sudden brake warning light on my car. (Really scared me) Mechanic said it was ok to drive for a while, so got all the work done a week later.

      And then my friend decided to go pay for the repair as a gift! (A lot needed replacing, but just worn out)

    7. Le le lemon*

      I heard Duke Ellington’s Solitude on the radio, as I was driving somewhere. Mind blowing; main character moment; beautifully, beautifully orchestrated. Moody, stunning, amazing. I’m still thinking about it.

      Type ‘Solitude Neeme Jarvi & the Detroit Symphony Orchestra” into Youtube. I believe it’s an orchestration? I’m happily down a rabbit hole.

    8. Valancy Stirling*

      The school year ended! I can actually relax for more than an hour on end for the first time in months

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Whoo-hoo!!!!! I’m still grading my way down to the end, but it is in sight!

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut cat’s fur is growing back after a thyroid upset/scratching and overgrooming episode. He also loves his new self-heating mat (I ordered him another to put on the couch so he’ll move off the dining room table.)

    10. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I’m doing the Wordles archive, and the one I just did was my start word. Hole in one! So I ran over here to post that small joy lol :D

    12. allathian*

      I work for the government in Finland and we get December 24-26 off anyway, but for 2 days of PTO I get 9 consecutive days off. Yay!

    13. Rara Avis*

      Just came back from a holiday concert with our favorite performing group. We’ve been taking the kiddo since they were small enough to fall asleep by intermission. At 16, they were the only person in the audience under 40 this year, but they had a great time and sang all the songs. (It’s that kind of concert.)

    14. Knighthope*

      1. Expected a long line, but post office was empty when I arrived – in and out!
      2. Saw “A Longwood Christmas” in Kennett Square, PA, USA which was even more magical in the light, but steady snowfall!

    15. The Prettiest Curse*

      The BBC published a round-up of 100 funny/good news stories from this year (I’ll post the link in a reply) and the one with the couple who, due to an online shopping error, ended up with a giant inflatable Santa as tall as their house made me laugh for several minutes.

    16. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I made cookies in the colours of my foster cats – tabby and calico. No icing, just combining doughs of different colours. It was my first time trying the stripy tabby pattern and I’m delighted with how neat it looks.

      (downside: they’re all for gifting and we may not get to taste any)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        “Here’s your holiday cookie!”

        “Er, do you mean cookies?”

        “….”

        “Are those crumbs down the front of your shirt?”

    17. Part time lab tech*

      We have moved into the new house last weekend and I love our big North window, our wallpaper mural and the pale greenish wall colour (Serena half).
      We are happy with 9 out of 10 of our design choices which I think is great when it’s not my job. (Passive solar and no threshold bumps are great.)

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      I sent my brother and sister-in-law an REI mini tent designed for cats. They sent me a cute video of their new kitten playing in it. I figured at least one of their three cats–the others are adults–would enjoy it and I’m glad it’s a hit!

    20. Elle Woods*

      My cousin and her teenage daughters are visiting from Germany. I haven’t seen my cousin in close to 20 years and had never met her daughters. They all stopped by for a long visit this weekend and it was delightful to spend time with all of them.

    21. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Finally got to meet my BFF’s toddler grandchild and learned that the toddler’s mom has me in the book of family photos and the toddler recognized me and called me Auntie!

    22. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Finally went to a gluten free store and bakery on the other side of town and they have stuff I haven’t eaten in years!!! We went for the croissants and chocolatines (they carry ones from a bakery in another city that I tried earlier this spring and could not believe how flaky and perfect they were!) but also came back with meat pie, spring rolls, shrimp dumplings, pierogi and ravioli…and if we had more freezer space I could have gotten so much more! Definitely worth the trek across town.

    23. Seashell*

      My husband got free chocolate cake from the bakery. Maybe they were trying to get rid of it, but that’s fine with me.

    24. Jenesis*

      A couple months back, I posted asking for advice about my husband and I adopting a stray cat.

      I am happy to report that she is now officially our cat! Vaccinated, chipped, currently recovering from spay surgery, and as far as I can tell she is very happy with her new accommodations.

    25. Bereavement Bear*

      Last year I was almost entirely dis-included from work holiday merriment; people were sharing special treats and exchanging gifts and all of that, but only one person gave me something, and no-one asked if I wanted to partake in the food or order out with them or whatever. This year I was invited to partake in the Secret Santa and was given treats in addition to making treats to share. So that was great since my mother died over the summer so I won’t be celebrating Christmas with her as usual.

    26. GoodNPlenty*

      I’m in a yarn club and scored all the yarn in the *best* color for a sweater. It’s a limited run yarn so getting enough for a sweater was my solstice miracle. I’ll see myself out….

    27. Just Another Cog*

      I had a completely dead battery when I was driving home…car just stopped in the traffic lane. As I was waiting for the tow truck to arrive, I had no less than 30 people stop to offer assistance. This is a new little town we have retired to, and we have felt nothing but welcome. When I called the tow truck, I didn’t know it was just the battery. I thought it was worse – which I guess is a joy, too!

    28. Irish Teacher.*

      I had two of my students give me gifts. One was a little over the top – a €20 voucher. The other was just a small chocolate from a box she probably had, but she ran after me specifically to give it to me. And the first student also gave me a card, thanking me.

    29. PhyllisB*

      We’re going to my oldest daughter’s for Christmas and I made a homemade pound cake and snowball cookies to take. I’m thrilled to say they both turned out perfectly!! Had to hide cookies to keep hubby out of them LOL!!

  4. 653-CXK*

    “We r undah the tri, weytin fur Sandta Klaws. Nao, not thuh gueye wif thuh whyte beerd an thuh beeg tummie, the kat hoo komz in uh raycing kur and gihvs us kitteh tois and katnip.”

        1. RLC*

          They take their guard duty responsibilities very, very seriously. Would not cross a boundary those two set.

      2. Just Another Cog*

        We have NO ornaments on the bottom of the tree, and very few elsewhere. It’s just easier than monitoring the cat-tivity all day and night.

      3. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I have no ornaments at all on the bottom 3 sets of branches. I am also shocked that the lights are still functional.

  6. Six Feldspar*

    If you’ve spent a seasonal holiday in the opposite season, how did it feel?

    My story: A few years ago I got to spend Christmas in Scotland (backpacking, working at a local restaurant, owners invited me to their Christmas and to look after their cats). It was a fantastic time, everyone was lovely and I didn’t feel homesick – but it did feel very weird to have Christmas food in winter, snow on the ground, no summer fruit or cricket on in the background, etc etc. My brain was convinced this set up was not right! I thought after all the years of trying to make traditional Christmas food work in Australian summer it would be great, but it was also a trip to the uncanny valley!

    1. ThatGirl*

      We live near Chicago (so, cold Christmases) but spent a couple years in south Florida for Christmas. It’s still winter but much warmer, and it was odd to swim and go to the beach on Christmas Eve.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      I once spent Christmas Day on the beach in Miami. I’m not a Christmas observer but it was still a fun change.

    3. Just here for the scripts*

      New Englanders/new Yorkers here – and a few years ago , we spent Christmas in Australia! Loved the warmth of Queensland and adored Sydney, but really had a bad case of heat exhaustion / heat stroke at Uluru ( we arrived on 12/25). Keep in mind that the goal was to run away from the cold of the US northeast winter – but I never expected that!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Ooooofff that was playing on hard mode! Hope you enjoyed it but outback summers do not mess around!

        1. Just here for the scripts*

          We’re thinking of returning in Australia’s fall—the brochures showed Brooke in puffy vests and I said to my hubby: That might be better for me—and he agreed!!

            1. Six Feldspar*

              Definitely recommend spring or autumn for Australia, you’ll just have to cope with school holiday traffic and bookings. It will still be warm enough in the top half of the country to be a change from NY winters!

    4. Writerling*

      Hah, I’ve had the opposite! I lived in Australia for a few years and a hot (not warm, hot) Christmas was so weird. What do you mean BBQ at the beach? Swimsuits? Where are the scarves and the gloves and the boots and oh right, no snow because it’s 40°C!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        In Melbourne it can go either way, 40c one year and 16c the next… We haven’t had snow as far as I remember but I’m sure it could happen…

    5. WS*

      I’m Australian and spent a Christmas in Japan. It was weird that it was actually cold, but it didn’t snow. The lines outside KFC for people to pick up their Christmas orders were very orderly, but very long!

    6. I want fruit cake*

      Not quite the Christmas vibe, but as a Cdn I spent Dec-Feb in New Zealand once. The surprising part: I phoned my parents in mid-january; they live in a cold part of Canada. It was much warmer where they were in the middle of winter, than where I was (south island) in the middle of summer.

    7. Not Australian*

      I was in Coober Pedy for a few days before Christmas a couple of years ago: Santas and fir trees on decorations everywhere, but otherwise just business as usual…

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Not exactly what you’re asking, but I live in the southern US. People talk about wanting a cold Christmas. I object. The outdoor toys kids get for Christmas in the south cannot be used if it’s too cold or wet. I love a Christmas Day in the 60s° (15-20° C). Not hot, but go for a walk outside, sit out and watch the kids play outside.

      1. HBJ*

        Well, yea, but if it was cold, you wouldn’t be getting them the same toys. In places where it gets cold, the outdoor toys kids tend to get are things like sleds, snow fort and snowball makers, shovels and buckets, skis, snowshoes, snowboards, ice skates, fat bikes, new snow gear, etc.

        And taking a walk and being/playing outside with the kids is something you do in the winter to, you just do it in snow gear.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Oh, I meant locals wanting a cold Christmas. If you’re used to cold and snow and give kids presents to be used in the cold, it makes sense that is what you’d want.

        We especially do not want a white Christmas (extremely rare obviously) because no one here can drive in snow and the government services are not prepared for it. Bridges and roads ice and people cannot travel to their family gatherings.

    9. dapfloodle*

      I live in what I refer to as “occupied Aztlan” so even though we are in the northern hemisphere, Christmas is still usually quite mild, it’s not uncommon to wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts for Christmas dinner (usually the coldest days are in February here). It’s not going to be quite that extreme for Christmas this year, Monday is supposed to be in the 80s-Fahrenheit, but Tuesday and Wednesday will be in the 70s. Two years ago we were supposed to have a snowstorm (or what passes for one in Occupied Aztlan where there are no snowplows or salt trucks) for Christmas Eve so we stayed home from a planned family gathering that was over an hour away, but it didn’t quite happen that way. And… I’m going to a beach wedding on December 28th!

    10. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      I’m from central Europe and spent a Christmas in New Zealand and it felt weird and not weird – I was doing work and travel so it was amazing it was summer but going through a tub of sunscreen in December was not something I’m used to. I remember the weirdest thing for me though was seeing pictures/ornaments/etc of Santa doing summer activities!

      I think the biggest dissonance was that at home they were having an absolute beast of a winter – it started snowing the day I left (end of November) and there was still some snow on the ground when I came back in late February. That’s pretty much unheard of where I grew up and hasn’t happened since. So we were going to the beach and all messages we got from home were like ‘what even I got snowed in today???’

    11. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I don’t celebrate Christmas but grew up in an overwhelmingly Christian town. Since it’s inundated everything, I got used to seeing the decorations, food, and other trappings everywhere during winter, especially things like pine and holly wreaths. Then I moved to Corpus Christi and it was really weird to be hanging out on the beach with Christmas lights in the palm trees and people walking around in festive sweaters and flip flops. One of the palm trees had a lighted evergreen garland with glitter snow-covered pine cones and I momentarily felt like I was in an alternate universe.

  7. SuprisinglyADHD*

    What is a really nice edition of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy?
    The only thing my brother asked for Christmas is a nice bookshelf-worthy but also reading-friendly set of the three. I’m looking for Hardcover and NOT with the movie artwork. Does anyone know/have a really nice edition that I can search for?

    1. Catagorical*

      Not specifically, but Tolkien himself did some super charming illustrations and I wonder if you could search for editions with the author’s own artwork.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        There are a couple of really nice Tolkien illustrated versions on Amazon – the only thing that would give me pause about the hardcover versions is that I think most of them are a single volume omnibus, which looks lovely but does not (IMO) lend itself well to reading, because it’s a monstrous doorstop of a book to contain all three volumes.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The Juniper sets are gorgeous, but quite spendy, depending on your budget. Then on the other hand, for real portability combined with cost-effectiveness, there’s a hard bound pocket size set that looks quite nice (albeit small) for $35, at which point you can also include a magnifier or a nice set of reading glasses :)

    2. Lissajous*

      My mum got me a Folio Society set for Christmas when I was 10; 30 years later I still have them, and they are still beautiful (and read several times!).

      They’d probably be postal order though, so your timing may not work.

    3. Missa Brevis*

      If it’s in your budget, Folio Society books are absolutely gorgeous and also very readable! Every single detail is well-considered in terms of both the visual design and the construction. My FS copy of Black Beauty is one of my prized possessions.

      1. Ungoliant*

        Second this one. Search for versions illustrated by Alan Lee. Beautiful to read, and the illustrations by a master artist whose love for the literature shines through.

      2. Hyaline*

        Thirded. This is the set we have that I bought for readaloud with my kiddos, and I Love it. Bonus, there is a Simarillion, too, so you’ve got Christmas next year sorted. The illustrations are lovely and the books are beautiful, and they’re relatively affordable.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          One of the books in this set got flooded and I cannot find a replacement for just one book. it upsets me.

      3. Rage*

        Even though OP said no movie artwork – the Alan Lee set has the conceptual art: his sketches and designs and not specifically movie photos.

        I was gifted this set a number of years ago. A month or so before Christmas, I pulled a truly emaciated 3-year old English mastiff out of our animal shelter; he wasn’t adoption-ready, but I fostered for a rescue and they knew I was looking for one, and so he came to me.

        On Christmas Day, my then-BF and I went over to some friends’ for the day. Upon my return, I discovered Diesel (so named because he was a big as a Mac truck and had smelly exhaust) had eaten the set. He didn’t actually consume the volumes but they were in pieces.

        Fast-forward a couple of months and he was healthy enough to be neutered. The vet informed me that one of his front canine teeth was cracked, and did I want her to remove it – I said yes. Turns out that it was split into 4 parts and the center was packed full of hair and “this shiny white fibrous material”. I yelled “that’s the book he ate!”

        I haven’t replaced it, even though Deez has long crossed over the Bridge. But it is a REALLY nice set.

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I have had my edition for 45 years, all three books in one volume, v nice edition, printed on what we used to call ‘bible’ paper (apparently it’s called India paper), normal sized print etc. The Lord of The Rings de luxe edition. In a box. Cover of book has a gold, silver and green pattern. Has a foldout map. Here’s a description from Abe books:

      “Published by George Allen & Unwin, 1969 Deluxe edition, Second Impression 1972. This edition is printed on India Paper, in one volume as Tolkien intended, and is only one inch thick. The black buckram cloth has the Tolkien design depicting the Numenorean throne with ‘Elendil’ in tengwar stamped on the front cover in gilt, silver and green. The book has mottled black and grey endpapers and page edges in speckled light green. It is housed in a publisher’s slipcase.”

      I remember it being an expensive book when I bought it, from an ordinary bookshop, but the prices now seem pretty outrageous! One just sold on eBay for about $850.
      It is certainly reader friendly, easy to hold etc, I have read it several times.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      Little tidbit.
      Alan Lee, who was the artist for the movie trilogy, illustrated the books FIRST. Peter Jackson was so enamoured with his illustrations, he tracked the artist down in the rural UK (Lee was living basically like a hermit), and had to send him an offer to work on the movies via FedEx, they couldn’t even call him).
      What you see in the movies is based on the illustrations from the wonderful hardcover edition I have. 3 separate books, glossy paper, a box.
      It’s an expensive set, and not in print for a while, but it’s beautiful. And even though the illustrations LOOK like the movie artwork, they were there first.

      1. allathian*

        Alan Lee’s artwork has been touring the world recently. We saw the exhibition in August, the venue had a new edition box set for sale.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      Penguin Books has a lovely 3-volume paperback boxed set. The illustrated hardcover (William Morrow) is over 3lbs weight. I agree with the comment here that it’s heavy to heft (but the pictures are amazing! And I’m not a fan of Amazon, but they have a whole Tolkien store with lots of choices, that include reviews and listed weights.

    8. *daha**

      Easton Press (they are online) has a five volume leatherbound set – the trilogy, plus The Hobbit and The Silmarillion – for $395. Ships for free.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I went to Barnes and Nobel’s website and searched Lord of the Rings. Several possibilities (I’ll include links in a followup):

      1. boxed set w/Alan Lee illustrations $90
      2. 1 book Deluxe edition $40 – this looks similar to the very old boxed set my parent’s have, but not exact
      3. Boxed set, leatherette, 4 book (Hobbit + LOTR) $60

      I would personally prefer #1.

  8. Le le lemon*

    Solo time/holiday food delights

    I get to spend Christmas morning by myself; joyous. I’m thinking about what I can bake/eat that’ll just be a delicious start to the day. I forsee mango (and maybe fruit salad), perhaps a little sweet baked treat. Just something nice for myself.

    What would you eat? What are your treats in moments of solitude? Or when you’ve snuck away from the family to go on that errand/walk?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My happy just-me snack is a plate of sliced smoked sausage and cheddar cheese with those flipside pretzel-y crackers.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m not big on sweets in the morning, but if I were looking for a sweet treat I’d make cinnamon rolls.

      The New York Times cooking section has a recipe for Croque-Monsieur Breakfast Casserole that’s meant to serve 6-8 people. I think you could easily halve it and make it in a smaller pan for one person to enjoy for a day or two. If you make it, read the community notes, or if you’re interested I’ll post my own notes as a comment. The nice thing is you prep it the night before, cover it in the fridge, and then bake it in the morning.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Well, that’s enough encouragement for me! My notes are:

        * Use sliced bakery bread instead of a baguette. Trim the top and sides to fit vertically in your pan.
        * Use liberal butter and mustard. The mustard makes the recipe.
        * Place the bread vertically and loosely in your pan, then sandwich the ham between the bread slices. Use very thin sliced ham, preferably slightly sweet.
        * Sprinkle some of the gruyere between the bread slices as well, saving some for the top.
        * After you pour the custard over, gently press the bread down to submerge it. The recipe does not call for added salt, but you could add a little bit. Also a small grating of nutmeg.
        * Sprinkle the remaining gruyere over the top. I omit the parmesan. You could use a bit more gruyere if you want.
        * Bring to room temp before baking, OR plan for extra baking time.
        * Definitely serve with cornichons.

      3. Le le lemon*

        Funnily enough, croque monsieur isn’t particularly popular/common in Australia! (Outside of a French restaurant/bakery). The more basic ham-and-cheese-toastie is though. I love that you have very specific notes! (I also love that my brain goes straight to Holt/Kevin/B99).

    3. Jay*

      French toast made with Portuguese sweet bread!
      Maybe paired with a couple of scrambled eggs with cottage cheese mixed in, topped with salt, pepper, and plenty of chives.

    4. DJ Abbott*

      Every morning I make myself breakfast sandwiches with toast, sunflower, butter, and shredded chicken. It’s my favorite meal. Yum!

    5. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Smoked salmon and cream cheese – ideally on a bagel, but really, it’s just the vehicle for the first two. Capers make it extra fancy!
      This year we’re getting some bake-at-home croissants to eat with fancy butter and jam.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I love Kougin-Amann. (In part because I always remember my joy at learning about it on the Great British BakeOff, and then finding it in the wild. I know what this is! And how to pronounce it!) Might send spouse out to hunt for it in the bakery in the next town this Saturday morning.

        1. dapfloodle*

          I finally got to try it over my Thanksgiving break because we stayed downtown in one of the nearby big cities and we went to a lovely bakery that carried it. It was even better than I expected!

        2. Bike Walk Barb*

          Same discovery method here. I then tried to make it at home, only to discover that I could make very hard caramel and a batch of something I had to pry out of the pan, not a winning pastry. Now I only get them at bakeries.

    8. Jackalope*

      Not super fancy, but my treat for holidays is mashed potatoes. I’ve always loved mashed potatoes, but I don’t make them a ton for various reasons. So for holiday meals I make sure they’re included. Fun fact: for one of my birthdays in high school, my best friend made me mashed potatoes for my birthday party. So everyone else got to have cake (which I personally have never liked, but I was fine with everyone else eating it), and I got the potatoes! It remains one of the sweetest things a friend did for me back then.

      3. dapfloodle*

        I love mashed potatoes too but only have them at home once or twice a year, also for various reasons. Once in awhile I hear about people having a “mashed potato bar” and that always sounds so amazing!

    9. Rara Avis*

      Not really breakfast food, but I’ve been known to make a mug cake when I’m flying solo. Maybe there’s a mug muffin recipe out there?

    10. Six Feldspar*

      I normally do:
      – fancy coffee or tea, brewed leisurely
      – croissants with jam
      – fresh fruit

      I try to make it as nice and relaxed breakfast/brunch as possible and sit in my favourite pyjamas and chill out to balance whatever else goes on over the holidays.

    12. Le le lemon*

      Ooooooh everyone’s suggestions are sounding great! Thank you! Keep them coming. It may just plan my next 52 weekend breakfast selections :D

      1. PhyllisB*

        If you bake, perhaps some fruit muffins? Blueberry is the traditional, but I’ve also made strawberry muffins that were yummy. Or cranberry. (Freeze the leftovers so you can enjoy some later.) Some type of egg dish, and fresh fruit salad. If you drink alcohol and want to be really decadent, you can buy champagne in tiny bottles just right for one person. You can either drink it as is, or make a mimosa.

    13. Jules the First*

      Smitten Kitchen’s Cinnamon Book scones are a favourite of mine and I tend to make them when I’m alone because my preschooler is also a big fan and I’m greedy!

      On the savoury side, I’m a huge fan of my bil’s signature breakfast sandwiches – scramble two eggs with your favourite cheese, cook two slices of streaky bacon and cut in half so you have four short slices. Two slices of toast, smear smooth peanut butter thinly on both toasts and fill your peanut butter toast sandwich with the cheesy eggs and bacon. It sounds incredibly weird but is in fact delicious…the peanut butter gives a lovely smoky stickiness to the sandwich. Can also be done with fried eggs, minus the cheese, but is messier!

      1. Le le lemon*

        Oooooh, I don’t know whether to be concerned or fascinated: scrambled eggs on PB toast?!?! Guess I’m going to have to try that now. (My “it sounds gross by tastes great” meal is: toasted sandwich of chicken, crunchy peanut butter, sweet chilli sauce, cheese. “Satay chicken toastie”).

    14. CityMouse*

      I’m generally more a savory breakfast person. I might make breakfast potatoes and peppers and an over easy egg.

      For a baked treat, for me a really good croissant with apricot jam is the best.

    15. Yorick*

      My family did a Christmas brunch and my aunt would make quiche. We’re no contact now but I still make quiche for Christmas.

    17. Person from the Resume*

      Crepes.

      It’s not easy but delicious and I would normally not make the effort except on a special, not busy morning.

    18. Girasol*

      I’m going to visit family this year so I’ll make fresh danish at their place. By myself I make a shortbread recipe cut down to just enough for one person for one day, and park it next to some good dark roast coffee for a morning treat. Shortbread is so easy and so luxurious.

    21. I don’t post often*

      I’m trying to thrift more clothing for daughter and me.

      Daughter has a severe reaction to fabric softener scents. I haven’t found a way to get fabric softener scent out of clothing. Also when in store, it’s sometimes difficult to tell if a piece of clothing has the fabric softener scent.

      Any ideas?

    22. Bike Walk Barb*

      Going out on my own it’s usually an almond croissant. My closest bakery makes a good one. Another bakery that’s farther away makes a great one that’s twice-baked and so, so wonderful. Those sell out fast.

      I’m planning to make a batch of apple cinnamon rolls this week, probably from this recipe https://www.halfbakedharvest.com/apple-cinnamon-rolls/ because the brown butter maple icing sounds fantastic.

      I have a family bran muffin recipe that involves a big batch of batter you make and keep in the fridge so that’s my standby for easy and comforting treats in the morning. I couldn’t find the exact recipe online so I captured it on my personal blog https://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/2024/07/classic-all-branbran-buds-muffin-recipe.html.

    23. Le le lemon*

      Thank you all for these ideas! I love how some of them are simple, but special to each of you!

      I came across something online which now has me wanting to bake a vanilla/butter shortbread with a salted caramel sauce. Nom nom nom. Maybe some pralined pecans on the side. Who knows if it’ll happen – but it’s definitely on the list for the next few weeks!

  9. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse and I just played a fun little video game this week called Never Alone. It’s a 2-person puzzle game based on an Inupiaq legend, where one person plays a little girl and the other person plays her friend the fox. The graphics were beautiful and we had a lot of fun figuring things out together. The only thing I didn’t like was that the controllers weren’t always as sensitive as I needed them to be. Note that you can play solo but my spouse tried and said it wasn’t nearly as much fun. Both characters have individual abilities and they have to rely on each other, which means that if you play solo you have to switch back and forth. From what I saw playing together, that would probably happen several times per scene. But as a duo we had a wonderful time.

    1. AnReAr*

      I’ve played that one! To note for others, it’s also narrated by actual Inupiaq storytellers in their language (with subtitles for us who don’t understand the language). It’s a great game, and actually made by the tribe. There’s also lots of bonus content in the form of informational videos on the culture from the people who made the game, including the storytellers.

      Currently I’ve been switching between Fae Farm, Palia, and Planet Crafter since I’m off work until the new year for the holidays. The first two are fantasy life sims with non binary character creation, queer friendliness, and Palia is actually an MMO with a lovely player base. Planet Crafter is a resource crafter where you survive and terraform a planet from its surface (think Subnautica, on an initially unliveable planet with no life).

    2. Shiara*

      I’m back on a Seven Kingdoms Princess Problem kick. It’s a fun visual novel that involves seven kingdoms each sending seven delegates for diplomacy and marriage alliances, and you play as a delegate from one of six possible backgrounds. The arc of the summit is roughly the same each playthrough but there’s personal background quests and different friendship and romance paths that can affect things.

      It’s in early access at this point, and has been in development for almost a decade. The sole author didn’t quite anticipate just how big and branching all her starting choices were going to make the game.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        My husband and I are also playing Path of Exile 2. We played quite a bit of PoE 1, and it’s great that the stuff we bought in that game carried over to PoE 2. We’re having fun so far – I’ve tried 3 classes (Warrior, Ranger, Mercenary) and my favorite by far had been the Ranger. My husband is loving both the Witch and the Sorceress.

    5. Angstrom*

      Has anyone tried Botany Manor? Preview looks interesting, was thinking about it for someone who likes puzzles and gardening.

      1. AnonToday*

        Yes I’ve played this! It’s a very charming game with just the right length and maybe a little on the easier side.

    6. Vistaloopy*

      I’m in the middle of Final Fantasy XVI. I’m loving the story, the gameplay is fun, and the voice acting is stunning.

    7. ecnaseener*

      I played Life is Strange this week — whew! Excellent story, couldn’t put it down. Will definitely play the sequel before too long.

      That said, it didn’t scratch the itch for interesting time-loop mechanics that I had after playing Elsinore. (Obviously it’s not a time-loop game and I shouldn’t expect it to be, but even the time-manipulation it did have I didn’t usually find especially interesting on a game-mechanical level, being mostly an undo button.)

      So if anyone has any recommendations for interesting time-loop games, hit me with them! What I liked about Elsinore’s mechanic was the way it felt like a puzzle — to get past an obstacle you might need information that can only be obtained by resetting the loop and making sure person A does X thing but in a way that doesn’t trigger person B to do Y thing, etc etc etc. And I liked how naturally it fit with the narrative — being Hamlet, the story wanted to be a tragedy, so it never felt contrived that there were so many ways to go wrong.

      1. Jackalope*

        That sounds a lot like The Forgotten City. It’s a game in which you mysteriously go back in time to an ancient Roman city run by the Golden Rule: if anyone does something immoral, everyone in the city dies and turns into golden statues. Your job is to figure out what’s going on and how to stop the loop. I enjoyed it a lot and would recommend it.

    8. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I’m going nuts getting my healer through a certain dungeon in FFXIV. I finally got her past the Ascian Pair, but Ascian Prime defeats any time I’m in (all my other characters no problem! Arrgghhh).

    9. The Penultimate They/Them*

      Picked up a great board game last night called Mantis Falls. It’s a co-op/social deduction game for 2-3 players, which I loved! I really dig social deduction, but often don’t have enough people around for games like Werewolf, and I was really impressed by how well it handles the social deduction element without it being immediately obvious if someone is an assassin or not. Also just has some great elements where you can tell the folks who made it love games and actually play them – all cards come with sleeves, there are nice bags for pieces and different card sets, really explicit and clear rules for card interactions, etc! Recommend it to anyone looking for something new.

      Have also been trying to 100% Assassin’s Creed 2, which has been fun and nostalgic for me. It holds up great IMO.

  10. RMNPgirl*

    How to start liking coffee?

    I’ve never like the taste of coffee, I love the smell but can’t stand the taste. Even in things like coffee ice cream. So this might end up being a moot question. But, I would like to develop a taste if possible. Mainly because I see so many flavor profiles people create with coffee that I would like without the underlying coffee taste. So I was hoping there would be way to get myself to like it so I could enjoy those drinks. There are just so many more options if you like coffee. I currently drink tea which I love but it is a bit limiting.

    Any suggestions are welcome!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe you could try a coffee-flavored candy like Hopjes and see if that’s a way in?

    2. Tradd*

      Coffee straight is too bitter for me, so cream/milk and sugar. The way I drink my tea. I have plebian tastes in coffee. I’m quite happy with McD’s coffee. It’s cheap and readily available. I don’t make coffee at home. All tea here.

    3. Clara Bowe*

      It might be worth it to try a cold brew latte? I hate the acidity of coffee – it compounds the unpleasant bitterness for me – but cold brew reduces that by a large margin. Also Morgan Eckroth on YouTube has a bunch of “how to up your coffee game” or coffees drinks for people who don’t like coffee.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Seconding the cold brew (in the right season – cold brew in winter is not pleasant!). I love dark roasted coffee and cold brew brings out a deep flavour similar to chocolate milk to me, but without the sharpness/acidity that hot water brings out sometimes.

    4. Missa Brevis*

      I’d starting by figuring out exactly what about coffee taste you don’t like. For me, it’s the bitterness that I can’t stand, so I can tolerate some cold brew or coffee ice cream. Some folks hate the ‘burnt’ flavor, and would be better off trying lighter roasts of coffee. Different solutions for different problems.

    5. BRR*

      Coffee lover here. Is there something specific about the taste you don’t like? There are some light roasts out there that taste like a coffee/tea hybrid. They might be a good place to start getting your palette used to the taste.

        1. BRR*

          The coffees that are less bitter are usually served at local roasters (vs Starbucks). They’re light roasts and you’d want to see it being described as having less body.

        2. CityMouse*

          Just a heads up that light roasts have more caffeine so just be careful with those if you’re not used to coffee. I get jittery if I drink more than a small serving.

    6. JSPA*

      Depends if what you hate is the bitterness (you may be an extreme bitter taster, for example, in which case, there’s a long list of “mildly” bitter foods and drinks that may simply never work for you, or not until you’re old enough that your bitter tastebuds get a bit blunted.

      But if you’ve mostly tried supermarket or starbucks (both tending to bitterness) and if the coffee ice cream was a premium sort that’s very coffee-forward, I suppose there’s hope.

      A dark roast is more toasty and rich, and less bright with coffee berry acidity. But a really burnt roast is bitter from the over-roasting. Soooo… Don’t do starbucks, nor mass market. Do try half a shot of dark roast espresso in a lot of warm milk or almond milk, or a few spoons of pour-over or cold brew in cold milk? Or dip the edge of a sugar cube in someone else’s espresso, and let the shudder of the bitter be soothed by the sweetness. That’s how we got a few drops of coffee, as kids.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I’m an extreme bitter taster and I had to give up on coffee. Even a frappuchino is almost unbearable, the bitter taste is so strong. I haven’t been able to acquire a taste for beer for the same reason, and I don’t really like tea. It’s so bad that peppers taste really bitter to me; I don’t really like Cajun food because all those peppers just make the whole thing bitter. So, for an extreme bitter taster my advice would be to just forget it!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Are you me? Peppers don’t get me, but we are twins as far as coffee, tea and beer are concerned.

    7. Rick Tq*

      +1 on going to a local coffee shop and talking to a barista about lighter blends. Starbucks’ blends and roasts are on the strong side so not a good place to start.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I like coffee but, controversial opinion, there’s waaay too much pressure to drink coffee. You can be proud to drink your hot cocoa or tea or lemonade or whatever it is you like. People get weirdly offended when someone says they don’t drink coffee, I hate the aggression when they start telling someone they just haven’t had the RIGHT coffee, you need to have it THIS way with their MAGICAL method/ingredients/beans/whatever. On top of that, people get soooo offended if you so much as IMPLY that caffeine is a factor to their “coffee addiction”
      If you’re after the flavor profiles people talk about, lots of other drinks can have the same flavors.
      With regards to finding a way to enjoy coffee, it’s like chocolate in that it needs sugar and cream to negate the inherent bitterness. Milk, half and half, flavored creamers, or non-dairy creamer are all helpful, plus you can dump an inordinate amount of sugar in (be aware, flavored syrups or creamers also add sugar). You can try different types of coffee from cafes, delis, coffee shops, etc.
      whether they’re self-serve from pre-brewed pots or specialty drinks from baristas.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Agreed, you’re not contractually obliged to like and/or drink coffee! If you like the smell but not the taste, maybe look for coffee flavoured soaps or candles?

        (Solidarity on wanting the flavour profiles though, I’m like that with wine and most other alcohols. I want to get the complexity of the flavour without getting drunk!)

      3. GoodNPlenty*

        I don’t use any caffeine products at all which was a point of outrage when I worked in an office. Then everyone thought I was a Mormon or Adventist. I’m actually a pagan with a caffeine intolerance. But wow do people take their coffee evangelism seriously!

    9. Chaordic One*

      When I was a child my grandmother drank her coffee with Carnation brand or Sego brand sweetened condensed milk AND sugar! When I stayed with her she would serve it me like that and she told me it was “vacation coffee.” I used to like to dunk my breakfast toast in it.

      You might add in some flavored syrups. When I worked as a barista at a bookstore we used Torani brand syrups and there were a whole bunch of different flavors. I liked the chocolate flavored ones, but there were many more including amaretto and various fruit flavors. You can find some of the syrups in most supermarkets. For some reason I never cared for flavored coffees, but I like their smell. If you find one you like, go with it.

      Do try to stick some of the lighter and milder roast coffees. Frequently they’ll be labeled as “blonde” roast. “Breakfast” roasts and blends run on the mild side. Finally, if you just want something other than tea you might also consider coffee substitutes such as “Postum” or “Pero.” I used to buy an herbal tea that had a coffee-like taste to it that came from India, but none of my local stores carry it anymore and I can’t remember the name of it.

    10. Jay*

      It’s a bit out of left field, but you could try something like Greek or Arabic/Turkish coffee, made on the stove top. I found a Turkish with cardamom spice in it. It’s fantastic and has a decidedly hot-chocolate vibe to it. It’s hard to explain, and it might be that I make it in one of those chocolate melting pots, but it’s true. It’s also fantastic, especially with milk and sugar, or a sweetened coffee creamer.

    11. A Cataloger*

      I also hate coffee, but love the idea of all the lovely flavors. I’ve found that most coffee places will do a steamer or hot chocolate or hot white chocolate with the same flavor profiles as their fancy coffees.

    12. HannahS*

      I am also a tea drinker who dislikes the taste of coffee, even in desserts. The only time I ever had a cup of coffee that I enjoyed, it was a medium-roast with milk and sugar. I found the lighter roast made it taste a bit more like tea. Most coffee tastes acrid and burnt to me, and the style in North American tends to be quite dark. I learned from someone who owns a coffee farm in South America that the style there is for lighter roasts, which I preferred.

      The other thing is, you might consider getting into higher quality loose leaf tea. It has nuances of flavour that are more like wine, rather than the mass-market tea that most people drink (including me, quite happily) which is low quality and meant to be dressed up with milk and sugar. I’ve enjoyed watching Jesse’s tea house on Youtube for a bit of an introduction.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        The coffee at my office is quite nasty, so I brought in my electric kettle and loose leaf tea. it is vastly better. I have offered to share, with no takers so far. Tea in America is quite niche, and good tea even more so.

    13. Brevity*

      This may sound weird, but it works: try salt. A tiny bit of regular table salt in a cup of coffee smooths it out and takes care of some of the bitterness. I think I originally read this in the food section of the Washington Post.

      1. allathian*

        I’m in Finland, and my paternal grandpa used to put salt in his coffee. He grew up on the coast, and used to drink coffee made with brackish Baltic Sea water as a kid. I wouldn’t recommend drinking that now, the Baltic Sea’s very polluted.

      2. Jay*

        I can confirm that this works very well to take the bitterness out of coffee, especially the cheap stuff. It can also bring out the secondary flavors. You just want to use a tiny bit, though.

      3. I want fruit cake*

        Yes. I forget the biochemical pathway, but salt sweetens things. Try: lick a lemon slice. Then put a tiny amount of salt and try again– it’s sweeter.

      4. Chaordic One*

        As unlikely as it seems, there is really truth to this. I do find that as ground coffee ages, it does become more bitter over time. (I’m a sucker for discounted old coffee on sale on the “to get rid of” shelf in the supermarket.) If you are sensitive to, and want to avoid, bitterness you may to buy whole beans and grind them yourself. Or buy whole beans and have the store grind them for you. (Some stores have a do-it-yourself grinder there, and in other ones they will do it for you.)

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      “I’ve never like the taste of coffee, I love the smell but can’t stand the taste. Even in things like coffee ice cream.”

      Are you me? Because I’ve shared the exact same things with people I know. I have no suggestions because I’m happy with avoiding the stuff but I couldn’t help responding since our reactions are identical. My response when people ask: “I’ve learned to love and understand the coffee drinkers in my life.”

    15. talos*

      Honestly, my way in was the stupid sugary syrupy lattes at the coffee shop, then getting less and less sweet drinks until I had arrived at espresso.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        It went similarly for me. I always mostly drank espresso, but when I started as a teenager I’d have it with two teaspoons of sugar (my mother still does that). I started cutting out on it in my early twenties and now have gone my whole adult without ever wanting sugar in my coffee.

        This works because I mostly have coffee at home, made with a moka, which is suitably not-bitter for me (and in my home country, coffee shop espresso also has the balance that I like). I never order espresso at UK cafes because I know I’ll be served something WAY too bitter. I wouldn’t go back to sugar, so when I’m getting outside coffee, it’s always something with milk.

    16. Still*

      I think, like a lot of things, it’s just a matter of getting used to the flavour. Rather than putting a lot of effort into finding the exact blend and recipe that works for you (although of course you can do that if you think that’s fun and interesting), I’d just take a sip or two whenever coffee is available in a communal setting (you’re visiting someone and they’ve made a pot etc), and see if you’re tastebuds eventually get on board after enough exposure.

      2. CityMouse*

        Although as someone who’s borderline coffee dependent I don’t think I’d force myself to like it. I quit coffee when I’m sick or when I was pregnant then just end up back on it.

        You really can just order a steamed milk with vanilla, for instance.

      3. Joey*

        Agree with this. I think you can “learn to like” food if you try it 4 or 5 times (on separate occasions)—it starts to taste normal or familiar to you.

    17. Ellis Bell*

      If you’ve tasted something like mild like a light roast Kenyan Arabica, with lots of whole milk and some sweetener of your preference and you think it’s bitter, then you simply don’t like coffee (and that’s okay!). But most coffee out there in the wild is too bitter for me, because people are often just going for caffeine strength, and they get accustomed to some bitterness in even good coffees, and because Robusta beans are cheaper than Arabica and higher in caffeine. Also if you go somewhere where they burn the beans even slightly it will taste very bitter. So avoid chains were everyone serving has dead eyes ( but sometimes chains have a golden era, so you never know).

    18. I want fruit cake*

      If you want to go down a youtube rabbit hole, James Hoffman is great.
      But, to answer your question: if you want to spend money: get a decent grinder and an aeropress, buy the fanciest light and medium roast coffee beans and start experimenting. Otherwise, go to a fancy local coffee shop, ask for espressos. Start black, take small sips, and really note the flavours. Then, you can slowly add a bit of sugar, and milk, and see how the flavour changes. I highly recommend starting black, even if you don’t enjoy it, just to really note the flavours.
      This being said, my coffee is too bitter this morning. The bitterness varies with the grind, so I ground it wrong.

    19. Part time lab tech*

      I’ve tried coffee but I simply don’t like it so I have tea at home and embrace chai latte or iced chocolate if out. (I dislike paying for the same brand of t- bag I could make better at home).

    20. Texan In Exile*

      Mochas were the gateway drug for me – basically, coffee-flavored hot chocolate. With whipped cream.

    21. ecnaseener*

      This is obviously not what you should actually do, but in case there’s a nugget of helpfulness in it: my coffee journey entailed being sleep-deprived enough in high school to drink the crappy 90¢ school cafeteria coffee every day, getting used to that, and then the next time I had the chance to try actual decent coffee I was like, hey! this tastes so good!

    23. ElastiGirl*

      You are likely a supertaster with more taste buds that are extra sensitive to bitter tastes. I have always hated coffee, even in ice cream, though I adore the smell of it. I also can’t stand beer, horseradish, bittersweet chocolate— really anything bitter.

      And then I read a Scientific American article about supertasters that contained a self-test. (Search for “bitter taste test”). And yup! That was indeed me.

      It relieved me of the need to force coffee on myself (though my daughter keeps trying to convince me). I get my caffeine through tea and occasionally Diet Coke, and I enjoy the smell of coffee, and I treat myself with various decadent hot chocolates and chai, and my taste buds don’t have to suffer all that bitterness.

      1. Nightengale*

        I also dislike coffee (even in candy, ice cream, mocha icing, tira misu) but love many other bitter things including tea, horseradish, very dark chocolate. So for some people it may be the bitterness but probably not everyone.

    24. Girasol*

      Motivation. I was the same: love the smell, hate the taste. But one day I admitted to my coffee-loving roommate that I needed to read three novels for a final exam in the morning. She dragged me off to the coffee shop and ordered a pot and two cups. I started slurping and speed reading, no time to fuss with cream and sugar. Downed four cups, passed the test, and have enjoyed black coffee ever since. It’s delicious once you’ve acquired the taste.

    25. Rage*

      What specifically don’t you like about the taste? For me, it’s incredibly bitter – but I found that putting SALT in it really cuts the bitterness and smooths out the taste. You don’t need much – perhaps 1/8 tsp in a regular pot of coffee. I started off with just a single cup and adding a dash from the salt shaker, stir, and test. It was like an epiphany when it suddenly became smooth.

    26. NoBananaPants*

      I started drinking coffee well into adulthood, like in my thirties! I started drinking cappuccinos, which to me was like hot cocoa with a little coffee mixed in. But it was the gas station version (anyone familiar with QuikTrip? I think mostly in the southwest U.S) I eventually graduated to full blown coffee, but still with lots of creamer and moderately sweet. Starbucks coffee is too strong for me, even with all the add-ins.

    27. Boggle*

      The only form of *coffee* I can tolerate is chocolated-covered espresso beans. I’ve never had an actual cup of coffee in my life, though my husband could not live without it. I am a tea drinker, which I guess is a close second. I agree with you that I love the smell, but that’s where my relationship with coffee ends. ;)

    28. Katie*

      I drink coffee only occasionally (but got a coffee advent calendar so waaaaaay more coffee than usual). I only even started drinking coffee some 10 years ago.

      1. Find a good local coffee shop and buy a bag from there. The coffee that got me over my hump is waaaaaay better than Starbucks but priced comparatively or close enough at least.
      2. Cream and sugar (I also like caramel)
      3. I recently noticed I like cold coffee better and requires less of 2.
      4. I still mostly stick to tea because I like it better and because I only put a teaspoon of sugar in my tea versus the ton of garbage I out in coffee.

    29. mreasy*

      I think you can start very slow… like, say, a vanilla or maple latte with a single shot. Then over time, increase the coffee and decrease the sweetener / milk or milk sub. But if it’s just the ability to make coffee drinks, you might not need to get very far into the process!

    30. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      Much like you, I have never developed liking the taste of coffee. I will never enjoy the taste of Pumpkin Spice Latte with a double shot of cinnamon and 1% creme (you get the drift).

      It’s okay. There are a gazillion other drinks, enjoy what you like and don’t force the issue.

    31. Lady Sally*

      I started drinking coffee a decade ago for the caffeine and didn’t like the taste, so I put a packet of hot chocolate in each cup. !
      Before long I was drinking it black (and loving the taste in all forms).

    32. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I hate coffee in general, but in my 20s I had a very high quality Italian espresso that got me able to at least tolerate those flavors. Now I will do an espresso, usually as a spot in some kind of sweet drink, about once every 6 months. I will eat coffee ice cream too. I love tea so I don’t really want to get more into coffee than that, but I found espresso and ice cream to be the best gateway.

  11. Life Resets At 65*

    What is it like restarting your love life after 65? I’m happy being single and haven’t dated in over 40 years. It looks like someone is interested in me and he seems really nice, but I’m not sure if we have enough in common. Would common values balance out an athletic activity mismatch? He’s very active in sports and I’m not, and I don’t see that changing.

    Have you started a romance after 65 and how did it work out?

    1. Pentapus*

      I guess I don’t see what the importance of the sports thing is– it’s a hobby that you don’t share. Maybe your hobby is quilting or reading. If the hobby is important enough that it’s a deal breaker for one of you, that’ll become apparent soon enough, but you don’t need to share all the hobbies to have a relationship. I can’t comment on the over 65 part, but good luck however it goes.

    2. Not A Manager*

      He’s interested and you’re interested. This isn’t the time to be gaming out whether you’ll actually make a match. This is the time to enjoy each other and explore.

      If the sports are a deal-breaker for anyone, you’ll find out, but it’s more likely that each of you will accept that the other has their own interests and hobbies.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I echo this. A good friend of mine has been divorced for many years. She met her new partner at 66. At 67, they have moved in together. He is a wonderful man and I am really happy for both of them.

        She and I know each other because we are both outdoor-oriented people who hike together. He’s not a hiker and not particularly athletic but that’s not an issue because what matters is that they share a world view, enjoy each other’s company, have other common interests, etc.

        I hope you’ll take the time to get to know this man who is interested in you. When I was dating both when younger and older, my criteria were simple–did I have a good time and did I want to see them again? If you can look at your connection with a comparable lens, that can remove a lot of pressure for what might develop over time.

        Enjoy this time, and good luck!

    3. But what to call me?*

      It seems to me like the main thing you need to figure out is whether you enjoy spending time together, rather than whether you have major hobbies in common. Do you have fun and interesting things to talk about? Are there things you like to do together (presumably not sports)? Are you compatible as far as how much time you like to spend together vs. apart, and does that amount fit well with however much of that time apart is required for his sports? Relatedly, is he fine with sports-time being apart-time, or is he thinking he’s going to convince you to get involved in sports you don’t want to do?

      I’d think some low-stakes dates, whether the traditional restaurant kind or doing some other activity that sounds fun, would help you both start figuring those things out. If doing things with him is fun, keep doing it! If not, maybe it’s worth another try with a different activity or maybe you’re just not very compatible with each other. On the other hand, if you’re already pretty sure upfront that he’s a nice guy but not one you’d enjoy spending time with then even easy dates might not be worth the trouble.

      2. RC*

        +1 I wouldn‘t overthink it (or actually, I would, but do as I say, not as I do).

        I think low-stakes is the way to go— if you enjoy spending time together, then spend time together, and if you don‘t then don‘t. You say he‘s interested in *you*, but are *you* interested in *him*? See if you can figure that out, and if spending time with him adds happiness to your life, and remember there’s no pressure either way for what should or shouldn‘t happen.

        I like Carolyn Hax for a lot of relationship questions, this feels like something she‘s definitely addressed somewhere in her archives.

    4. Jules the First*

      My not-gran (she was my grandfather’s second wife, so of no biological connection but much adored) was widowed just short of 60. After a few years living happily on her own she randomly bumped into a childhood friend she hadn’t seen or heard from in 40+ years in a coffee shop (15,000 miles from where they grew up) when he passed through on a cycling holiday. They hit it off, exchanged emails, and conducted a transatlantic romance by email for the next two years before she decided it was serious and upped sticks and moved in with him half a world away. They got married two years after that, when she was 74 and he was 76, and enjoyed another eight years of happy marriage. The fact that he was an avid cyclist and her idea of vigorous exercise was a gentle stroll to the pub never seemed to matter – she said that one of the great joys in a late-in-life marriage was the willingness to leave space for each other’s separate lives while still cherishing the company of your other half. (And given that she had three long marriages in her 89 years, I’d say she knew a thing or two about marriage…)

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My gran had a much more hopping social life in her 70s-90s than I did in my 20s-30s. After her third husband passed when she was 80, she stopped marrying them and just shacked up with her next two beaux. Sequentially, not simultaneously, though the two gents were best friends, so who knows. At one point when I was in my mid-20s I called her house phone and beau #2 answered the phone. I asked to speak with her, and he says “She’s out with (beau #1) but I’ll have her call you when she gets back home!” I agreed, hung up the phone and called my mother. “MOM. Does Grandma have a HAREM now?!” We were all quite entertained.

      1. allathian*

        LOL! Your grandma sounds lovely.

        Not quite your demographic, but my husband and I are in our early 50s and late 40s, I’m older, and he’s a lot more active than I am. He runs marathons, walking 2 miles without stopping in easy terrain is a victory for me. I was less decrepit when we met nearly 20 years ago, though.

        My MIL and her husband met they were in their early 60s. He’s slowed down a lot more than she has in the intervening years, although when they met, they enjoyed ballroom dancing.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Go Gran!

        My maternal grandmother had to fend the men off with a stick once she moved into senior living. Unfortunately, a lot of them were looking for a nurse/purse/social secretary, but many more were simply lovely people who wanted company.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My gran was one of those ladies who never was comfortable being single, so not all of her fellows were great choices, but the fact that none of my coworkers believe I’m not in my early thirties (when I turned 44 last week) came from her side of the family, so she was always popular with the fellas at the VFW hall. :)

    6. Jackalope*

      One thing I’ll add if things do get going with this gentleman is to leave yourself some space for your own life. I was younger than 65 when I met my now spouse, but I’d had a long time being single (decades), and we have more space than many of my friends who got married in their 20s, for example. So maybe don’t move in together, for example, so you don’t have to share space all the time (although obviously if you want to then go ahead). Keep separate interests for things you can do with outside friends. Etc.

      1. allathian*

        That’s what my MIL and her husband do. Both of them met and married their respective first spouses in their mid to late twenties, raised their families and got divorced in their forties. So when they met, they’d been single for nearly 20 years. My MIL was a single parent, my FIL was too busy with his now wife to bother much with the kids and he blew off visitations more often than not, in spite of my MIL bending over backwards to make things easy for him. My MIL’s husband’s son spent every other weekend and some holidays with his father.

        My MIL and her husband don’t live together and keep separate finances to make things easier on their kids when they die.

        My sister and her SO have a similar system. Both of them had long cohabiting relationships with joint mortgages behind them when they met. They’re childfree and career-oriented, and spend weekends and vacations together.

    7. Seashell*

      No personal experience, but I recently watched a show on Netflix called The Later Daters. It was about people over 50 dating, and some were in their 60’s/70’s. It’s a “reality” show, so it may not match with actual reality, but it was interesting to see which things people thought were dealbreakers and which weren’t.

      I would think it could be an issue if he dedicates huge amounts of time to the sport. If you’re hoping to do something together at least once a weekend and he’s doing his sport all the time, you’re likely to feel neglected.

    8. Boggle*

      My husband has rediscovered his musician side in retirement, this is not something that interests me (he’s a drummer) but it’s getting him excited for the possibilities of meeting other musicians and performing. I think it’s healthy for people to have individual interests, makes them more interesting when you are together and can talk about what you did. If this someone is interested in you, and it wasn’t through an athletic activity, why not see where it goes. No one said this person needs to be anything more than a friend or companion with whom to do activities that you both enjoy.

    9. Angstrom*

      An athletic activity mismatch can work! Partner & I are very different — arty & crafty vs. outdoor active — and what makes it work is that we genuinely enjoy the other’s happiness and accomplishments. “Tell me about your hike! What did you see?” “Love the colors! How’d you come up with that design?”

    10. My Brain is Exploding*

      I read a blog called “Jo’s Country Junction.” She writes about quilting and cross-stitch and her life in general. She had kids young (so they are all adults now) and was widowed about 5 years ago. She recently started dating. Interesting reads on how she’s figuring all this out. After her first experience of dating a man for several months, she realized that she needed a certain amount of alone time (among other things). This time, she has a beau who enjoys fishing (I think that’s it, it might be canoeing?). Anyway, she enjoys walking but not much other sporty stuff. She said she’s willing to try it to see if she likes it and also maybe she would be happy to go along and bring her cross-stitch and not do the fishing/canoeing if he was agreeable to that. As it stands for everyone, you don’t have to figure out if you are a match before you start dating! Dating is for figuring out the whole relationship thing.

  12. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Was there ever any merchandise made for The Christmas Chronicles (2019)? My mom has a crush on Kurt Russel and collects Santa figurines, dolls, statues, pictures, you name it! I can’t find any sort of Kurt Russel Santa stuff besides replicas of his outfit (which is wonderful but not something she would want).
    Alternatively, she would love a real, soft, warm Santa hat with a nice lining and velvety feel. All I’ve been able to find for years are lightweight, scratchy, novelty hats.
    (Sorry for the multiple posts, my whole family is waaay late on our Christmas shopping)

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      I bet you could google this – movie posters could probably be had, in all sizes. Pop a small one into a frame from a craft store and voila! A seasonal decoration for her to hang (but hopefully not in the loo – you don’t want him staring at you).

    2. Chaordic One*

      I did some googling myself and was surprised to find that there really isn’t very much out there for this particular movie. There is a lot of stuff labeled “Christmas Chronicles” that is not related to the movie and some stuff that I’m not sure about (mugs and stickers). I did find a Mrs. Santa coat and a Bjorn the elf figurine (that must be very rare because it was priced at over $200).

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        That’s a hilarious idea! Unfortunately I don’t think I have the skill level needed for that lol

  13. Scorpion singer*

    I’m looking for advice on friendship. There’s a coworker who I chat with daily who is a few decades older than me (I’m late 20s, she’s early 50s), and I want to take the next step in deepening our friendship. I’ve asked her to hang out outside of work twice in the last few months (getting coffee after work, going for a weekend hike), and both times she has enthusiastically accepted and we’ve had a lovely time! Although I’m getting lots of clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with me, she hasn’t done any of the asking to hang out and I worry that maybe she doesn’t actually like my company because she doesn’t propose anything. But she is also pretty shy (and has described herself as such), so that may be part of her hesitation. Any advice for deepening the friendship while making sure it’s something we both want?

    1. Manders*

      Some people (like me) are very bad at planning stuff, but enthusiastic about doing things. I almost never turn down an offer to do things like coffee or hiking, but for whatever reason am terrible at doing the inviting. Don’t take it personally! Keep asking. Eventually she’ll reciprocate (probably).

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, I’m not a very good planner or inviter myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like people. Pre-covid, I really enjoyed being asked to hang out. If she seems to be having fun and you’re not getting a string of refusals, don’t overthink it and just assume she’s enjoying your company.

    2. But what to call me?*

      I would definitely be the friend who is delighted to do things with you but takes a very long time to reciprocate by inviting you to do something with me. I’m also shy, inexperienced with socializing, and would be half-convinced I was imposing on you or pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do by suggesting we go do a thing. If your friend is anything like me, she might just not be confident enough yet that you’ll continue to like doing things with her to be sure she’s not bothering you by asking you to do things (especially if she happens to be neurodivergent, although someone who is neurotypical but shy could have the same problem). Alternatively, she might just not be good at thinking of activities to share, or she might have a lot going on that makes it hard to take the initiative to do fun activities but enjoys fitting them in when you suggest them. Since you’re getting clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with you, I’d say it’s probably one of those explanations rather than not liking your company. Nothing’s stopping her from declining if she didn’t want to get coffee or go for a weekend hike with you, after all.

      1. Imposing*

        Yes, this. Plus less connection to the universe of things out there to do, so not keyed into things we might both like to do. I am terrible at maintaining relationships with former coworkers whom I consider actual friends for this reason, something I wish I did better because that’s how I meet most of my friends. But I always feel like I’m imposing, or calling at an inconvenient time, or otherwise being imposing and I find it extremely difficult to move beyond that.

    3. But what to call me?*

      I think the site ate my comment, but the gist of it was that some people (like me) tend to think we’re imposing by inviting someone to do something with us even though we really enjoy that person’s company and have every reason to believe they enjoy ours. If she’s shy, she might just not be confident about asking you yet. Alternatively, she might not be good at thinking of activities to share but is happy to do the ones you come up with. Since you’re getting clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with you (including the fact that she continues to do so, when she could as easily decline your invitations), I’d say shyness and/or difficulty thinking of activities are much more likely explanations than that she doesn’t like your company.

      1. But what to call me?*

        Apparently the site did not eat my comment, just temporarily gnawed on it for awhile. Oh well!

        3. Person from the Resume*

          It likely got caught in moderation for mysterious reasons. That happens to my comments sometimes. Comments will ususlly show up unless you actually got an error message about it.

    4. Not your typical admin*

      With my BFF I’m the asker/planner of events. Part of it is our personalities. I love hosting, and want to plan events months out. She’s more last minute, spur of the moment person. She actually likes me planning things. Some people actually like other people planning things so I wouldn’t worry about it.

    5. Hyaline*

      Unless she gives you signals that she doesn’t want to hang out when you propose it, I wouldn’t read too much into her lack of reciprocity in the “suggesting stuff to do” department. She may be bad at planning, shy, deeply fear rejection, psych herself out thinking she’s imposing on you, or something else that has nothing to do with you! Just keep suggesting low-key fun stuff and see what shakes out!

    6. Texan In Exile*

      Keep asking! I was worried that I was imposing on people who really didn’t want to hang out because they didn’t reciprocate my invitations – but they always accepted them.

      And one day, one friend told me how much she appreciates that I am an Inviter – that she thinks about inviting but then never gets around to it and she is so happy that I actually invite.

      If your co-worker doesn’t want to hang out with you, she will say no.

      (Also thumbs up to inter-generational friendships! I love having younger friends. :) )

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Yes. I am an inviter and sometimes it feels awkward to be the only one inviting, but friends have thanked me for the invites and organizing things.

    7. Bitte Meddler*

      As a mid-50’s woman who has worked with wonderful people 20-30 years younger than me, I’ve always assumed they wouldn’t want to hang out with an Old.

      If any of those fantastic people had invited me to do something social, I would have jumped at the offering… and then spent a not-small amount of time afterward wondering if it was a pity invite. It would take them asking me to do something 3-6 times before I’d feel comfortable reciprocating (i.e., to feel comfortable that they wouldn’t reject me).

      Please keep inviting her to do things.

      1. Anonymous Cat*

        I second this comment. If a twenty something invited me to do something fun, I’d go but I’d hesitate to invite them because they might be appalled at the age gap.

        But when you mentioned she went hiking—I thought that was a very good sign she enjoys hanging out with you! Going to a movie is pretty easy to do. Packing up and hiking all day is effort!
        I wouldn’t do that for someone I didn’t like.

  14. Anon Poster*

    Anyone have particularly strong feelings about over-the-ear noise canceling headphones? I’m looking to get a pair, but I don’t know how to choose a brand! I care most about comfort and battery life. I don’t anticipate using the noise canceling all that often, mostly just on planes. I obviously want them to sound good, but “good” is relative and I’m easy to please there. I would use them often while walking, so I’m looking for something that stays put without having to fuss with it too much. If you have brands you love or brands you hate, I’m all ears!

    1. Rick Tq*

      I have a pair of JBL on-the ear headphones and my employer coughed up for Bose over the ear ones too. Both work well but I wouldn’t wear them outdoors for walking, the bone-conduction units that leave your ears free so you can hear oncoming cars, etc. make more sense. The Aeroshox models are weather-resistant or fully waterproof too.

      1. Owlette*

        I love my Bose headphones and they have an ‘aware’ feature I use when walking vs noise cancelling when at home. Battery life is excellent and very comfortable

        1. Nessun*

          Seconding Bose, I love mine – got a wired pair 10 years ago that are only just showing their age now. Will definitely buy Bose again to replace them.

          1. Petrichor_stardust*

            also a vote for Bose. I have had a pair of Bose for just under a year. They last all day for music and work calls. Really great noise-canceling. I love them!

    2. Jay*

      I have a nice pair of Sony ones that have three (I think) levels of noise canceling (from none to full). The audio quality is very nice and I get to decide how quiet and isolating I need them to be, depending on what I’m doing.

    3. David*

      I have the Sony WF-1000XM5, which I bought on the basis of almost every review site I looked at ranking it in the top tier of over-ear wireless headphones, and I do believe it lives up to the hype. Not that I’ve compared a bunch of different models, it’s just that I’m very satisfied with what I got. I would definitely recommend it; in fact, I’m getting my sister a pair for Christmas.

      If that model is too expensive or not quite what you’re looking for, well, I’ve been using Sony headphones for a long time and they’ve always been fantastic, so I think you’d probably have a good experience with anything by Sony. (and if price is the only issue, check out the WF-1000XM4, the previous model, which is cheaper since it’s no longer top-of-the-line but would still serve you very well)

      1. I take tea*

        I love my Sony’s too. They are pricey, but they are comfortable and really surprisingly good at filtering out occasional sounds as well (for example high pitched screaming, which I really can’t stand).

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I have Bose headphones that I bought specifically for traveling. They are light and just as good at noise-canceling as they claim to be. I haven’t walked with them – they seem to stay put very nicely. Definitely spendy. Took me a few years to justify the expense to myself. We have a *lot* of travel coming up this year (yay! excited!) and I am treating myself to several things to make it easier and feel a bit luxurious.

    6. Prawo Jazdy*

      Noise-canceling headphones work great vs. a steady low rumble such as an airplane engine. However, they are not made to counteract short sharp noises like loud conversation or music.

      So I would personally start with a pair of 3M WorkTunes that’s made for construction workers in noisy environments… 1/5 of the price of true noise canceling headphones and as effective if not more so in diverse situations.

    8. Retired lawyer*

      Just want to comment on my own experience with over the ear headphones while walking. I walk a bit and often listen to music. I tried using over the ear headphones for about two walks when the ear buds I had been using stopped working. It was not an enjoyable experience for me. Part of that was that I was wearing them in the summer and they made my ears and head way too warm. Obviously, that would be a plus in winter.

      But the bigger problem was that they robbed me of a lot of situational awareness. They were closed back and even without noise cancelling, they blocked a fair bit of noise. Add in music and I simply couldn’t hear very much around me. This wasn’t so much a safety issue, given where I walk. But it did cause some shocks, such as when cars overtook me from behind and the first I knew of it was when they were passing. They weren’t going to hit me, but it was still an unpleasant feeling. I ended up getting some bone conduction earphones that let me listen to music while still being able to hear what’s around.

      Of course, your experience might be different. But personally, if I had to have just one set of headphones that had to be noise cancelling but that I was also going to use for walking, I’d look for a pair that has a feature that lets you be aware of what’s around you — as someone else mentioned Bose has that, though I don’t think they are the only one.

    9. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I’m really fond of my Soundcore space one headphones. I wore a cheap pair for work but with an all-day meeting requiring me to wear headphones the whole time, the cartilage in my ears were screaming. I can wear the Soundcore all day with no discomfort.

      My Klipsch headphones are also amazing but they’re wired so I rarely use them anymore. If they were wireless I’d use them over the Soundcore for sure.

  16. NumberOneGrinch*

    I am determined to get holiday gift exchange with my siblings under control for 2025.

    Older Sibling has a spouse and 3 kids (aged 3-7). Younger Sibling has no kids and a serious boyfriend. I am single and childfree. Siblings enjoy gift exchanges, I despise it. Siblings used to spend ~$75 on each other before kids and spouses came along. It got so bad like to a point where i was spending $75/each on everyone including kids. It’s not like they cheap out- but then I end up with a bunch of stuff I don’t really want- because they refuse to give gift cards also.

    I have no idea how to make this whole thing fair and not end up with a bunch of stuff I don’t need. I tried to do a $30 limit but then realized my siblings maybe feel weird because I have to buy more for their families than they buy for me. My siblings won’t agree to ‘no adult gift, just kids’. The gifts aren’t cost prohibitive- we are all successful adults who can afford to buy whatever we need and more. I hate buying things just to buy them so this whole process not only stresses me out but makes me feel icky.

    All that being said, I’m tired of stressing out over what to spend on gifts that don’t matter and I want to set some boundaries for next year- now. Given the imbalance of persons on both sides, how should I approach this? Determine a total spend per family- if so, what is fair for that? I also accept that I may not get their buy in but I’m prepared to say the current situation isn’t working for me and if they don’t want to have a discussion about it, I will be spending/gifting X to Y, not to Z, etc for next year.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I stopped all gift exchanges about four or five years ago, either just before Covid or during that first year. Around April or May I simply sent an email to family–my close friends and I have never done gifts–that told them I was opting out of all gifting for everyone, that there was nothing wrong but that I no longer wanted to do it.

      Now, it’s important to know that growing up we never got gifts from aunts and uncles or gave gifts to nieces and nephews. Before I, the first grandchild, was born, my parents and their siblings made that decision, that gifts would only be from one’s family and grandparents. So it was a shock to me to discover, as an adult, how many people like you do give gifts to family members outside the immediate family.

      Nevertheless, when I informed everyone way ahead of time that I no longer wanted to exchange gifts and please, please do not get me anything, it did not go over well with three of my four siblings. (Two had children but their parents followed my parents’ practice so that was not an issue.) But I stuck to my position. And it has turned out so well. There was grumbling and maybe some drama I never saw but that first “giftless” Christmas was wonderful! And it has been ever since.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I agree. Just tell your siblings that you are not buying gifts for adults this year … only the kids.

        If they choose to give you a gift graciously accept but feel no guilt. They knew the deal. Since money is not an issue for anyone the reciprocity is not a big deal IMO.

        And your nibling can still buy you a joint gift.

        I am not buying a gift for anyone this year. It is such a relief. My 21 and 18 year old nephews are getting a venmo transfer. They e gotten money or gift cards from me since they were preteens cause they mostly wanted electronic stuff.

    2. Anon Poster*

      Can you just opt out of the adult gift portion? My siblings and I (and their spouses) do a name draw so we each just buy for one adult. One sibling and their spouse opted out several years ago. They buy nothing for us, we buy nothing for them, and no one’s feelings are hurt. All families are different, would yours react reasonably to you saying that you are no longer buying gifts for adults, and you would also like to stop receiving gifts from adults? You’re not stopping them from continuing to buy for each other, so they can keep spending and receiving to their hearts’ delight.

      1. NumberOneGrinch*

        I think the issue here is that with kids involved, Older Sibling wants me to buy her kids gifts and I think would feel bad if I got nothing after that. I guess she could just ‘give’ me gifts from her kids- which I’d honestly be totally fine with if I could get to spending $50-75 total on kids and her ‘kids’ could gift me something of a similar amount.

        Siblings will definitely be unhappy but this feels like a fair boundary to draw for everyone involved. I also should add my mom still gives us way more gifts than anyone in their 30s should be receiving so it’s not like we have nothing to open if we don’t exchange between siblings.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I will also say, at 3 and 7, you may not have infinite years of buying gift-y gift for these kids, so you can maybe think of this as a specific phase. Kids at 3 still want toys they can open on Christmas day and would notice derivations from that. But my nieces are now 11 and 14, and they only want gift cards. I would not try to buy teens and preteens items they want because I would probably screw it up. That’s much less pressure for me, although it is an expense as you say but I can afford that. My sister was more willing to cede on giftyness when her kids weren’t in a big “open presents under the tree” stage. Also, if some years you travel, that helps break the tradition of Big Piles of Gifts for Everyone.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          With my family, Husband and I go all out for each other, because nobody else really buys gifts–his parents send us a card with cash in it, he and his brother haven’t exchanged in years, and I buy for my sister and her husband/kids off their wish lists; that’s pretty much it. My sister sends me the most whackadoodle stuff imaginable but at least it’s fun!

          My dad used to send us a check in a Christmas card and my mom (who passed this year) would send me the most bizarre assortment of clothing–she somehow had it in her head that I was simultaneously a 73 year old chain smoking woman who loved the dog track, a woman’s studies professor, and a RN. But I do know I’ll miss getting her “version” of me every year.

    3. EA*

      I had this with my family! Solved it by moving faraway haha, and I married into an “only kids get gifts” family, which is perfect for me.

      If money isn’t tight and it’s more about the mental load (I feel you there!!), then setting spending limits seems like it won’t solve the issue. Also, you really can’t control what you get. So I’d focus on making your gift buying easier.

      A few possible suggestions:
      1. Just start giving gift cards. Set the family trend. As a kid, I loved my aunt who was “lazy” about gift giving and gave us an annual iTunes giftcard. Yeah, people might talk at first, but they will also get a useful giftcard!
      2. Start requesting that everyone make specific wish lists on Amazon or using something like Elfster. This honestly helps so much – and you might even get more stuff that you actually want if you do a list.
      3. As you suggested, just state what you’re going to do. Just make sure to say it from your POV – “Gift giving around Christmas stresses ME out, so next year I am planning to do X”

      1. office hobbit*

        Agreed on making the gift buying easier! If gift cards feel too sad, what about food gifts for the adults? A box of chocolates, something like Harry and Davids goodies, local coffee, quality spices for people who cook, etc.

      2. GiftCards*

        You assume that everyone would use a store-specific gift card? That’s a very weird assumption. Most people I know hate getting gift cards because they have to figure out how to use them or they’re wasting money, yet they’re almost always given for the places the purchaser shops not where the recipient shops – and there are plenty of people who don’t shop at even common places like Amazon or Target or Apple. Plus there’s the group of people who resent them because they’re so impersonal, kind of a I have to give a gift but can’t be bothered gift.

        1. Sloanicota*

          True although if you really can’t figure out how to use a card, I believe there are websites where you can trade them for cash.

        2. anectoad*

          And almost everyone I know loves getting gift cards… the plural of anecdote is not data, as they say! I guess one time my husband and I got a gift card for a department store we don’t have in our part of the country, so sure, people should watch out for stuff like that, but otherwise, they are considered great gifts ’round these parts. There’s also no requirement that gift cards cannot be given along with other items… for example, I gave my supervisee two items I picked out specifically for her, and a gift card to a makeup store that I knew she shopped at (I personally only wear makeup twice a year or so, so it was NOT a place that I frequent), and she was so appreciative of that gift card and already planning her purchases!

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        With gift cards, try to get as specific as possible, like Sephora for a makeup loving teen or a specific food market or site for a cook, rather than just Visa cards. The latter are often harder to use than they should be, especially for food purchases!

    4. HannahS*

      I think I’d identify what bothers you the most. If it’s the headache and stress but not the money, I’d suggest:
      -75$ gift card to a crowd-pleasing restaurant or HomeGoods for each couple
      -$20 gift card to Toys R Us or a bookstore chain for each child
      And then do that, every year, forever, until the kids are teenagers and want Amazon gift cards, then do that instead.

      If your unhappiness is mushier (it’s not the money but it sort of is; it’s not about the number of people but actually it kind of does feel unfair; actually you would like to drop out of the gift exchange altogether and instead literally go for a hike on Christmas day instead) then it’s worth maybe having a larger conversation with yourself (and then the fam) about how you actually want to spend your time and energy.

    5. Sloanicota*

      I could not get my family to budge – they love gifts and everybody sitting around opening gifts is their main Christmas day activity – but some years I have gotten us to agree to Bookmas, where the only acceptable gift is books, and this made my shopping load much more pleasant as I went to the local bookshop and walked out with all gifts in one trip. And felt good spending my money there.

    6. Owlette*

      This doesn’t address all of your concerns, but for the not wanting stuff part, could you request ‘experiences’ or memberships instead? For our wedding my friends got us a caving tour and now for the kids I ask for zoo memberships from my parents and I gift my brother sport lessons. Maybe a happy medium between gift cards and gifts?

      1. Shiara*

        Seconding this. Currently we’re the only couple in our generation with kids. Our siblings gift us a family zoo membership and contributions towards some of our kids’ activites (Ones that happen to be personally meaningful to the contributing siblings)

        We mostly give our siblings consumeables or media subscriptions in return.

    7. Elfster McElf Face*

      My husband’s family does Elfster with a limit. It’s always felt weird to me to give people a list, but it works well for them. It automatically assigns a person in a “secret Santa” style of thing, so one person gives one person a gift. And the wishlist feature is helpful so you know what the other person might want.

    8. Bibliovore*

      Not to bring down the crowd but one benefit to the husband dying was the whole Christmas gift giving stopped. (my family has a long tradition of Never exchanging gifts.) The first year, I still was a complete mess and was not part of society (some family members may have taken offense but I didn’t notice), the second year was just as bad but a few marbles rolled back and I gave all of the “kids” (adults in their early thirties) a card with cash. Last year cards with cash for the “kids” who were in touch with me- nothing for the his family who hadn’t kept in touch with me. I waited until April to hear from them then spent the money on myself. This year, I am venmo’ing cash to his family that I am still in touch with and a kindle and cash to a person who expressed a wish for one ( because that was super easy and took no effort and has been especially nice to me over these grieving years- calling at least once a week to check in with me.)
      Mr. Bibliovore adored the whole Christmas unwrapping extravaganza. He wrapped anything that didn’t move. The families with kids would have Christmas eve and day and the next day we would have “Christmas plus” at our house with music and gift exchange. I still just can’t.

      1. Morning Reader*

        The benefits of being an orphan! I get it. For years I did big gift exchanges with my parents and sibs. Previous to that, when all cousins were young adults and the extended family gathered, we switched from gifts for everyone to drawing names, so a person could get one big good gift instead of several cheap ones. If your family won’t drop the gift giving, you might try the drawing names approach; highlight the advantage of getting better gifts! It doesn’t have to be secret like secret Santa and it’s ok and encouraged to tell your gifter what you want.
        For the questioner, if you can’t change the practice, I recommend books for everybody, or generic gifts everyone would like. (This year I sent a collection of locally made sweet sauces to some folks I still exchange with. Who doesn’t like chocolate sauce? The person who doesn’t can regift it.)

    9. Cordelia*

      We have 10 people for Christmas dinner. We’ve done a very complicated name draw among the 9 adults, so that everyone buys gifts for 2 people. We’ve got a limit of £30, which is about $38. Everyone (or each couple) also buys a gift for the one child. Oh, and everyone’s cats and dogs seem to buy for each other, but they organise that themselves…

    10. Ellis Bell*

      Try a Secret Santa app for the adults, that way the adults still get a gift. I use draw names .com which means you also get to leave gift suggestions

      1. Ellis Bell*

        As in, your ‘Santa’ gets to view a bunch of items on your wishlist that they just have to click a link and it gets delivered or preordered (my siblings are busy parents and they’ve come to love this), and it’s less shopping around for you with your giftee too. The way to pitch it is “I’m trying to be more organised with my budget and I’d much prefer to splash out on one gift than on a bunch of small ones; I’d also prefer to concentrate on the kids while they’re still small. I’m also just trying to have less stuff in my life if anyone else is up for that ” All they really want is to get together and exchange pretty parcels with you. My sister was also guilty about how much money I spent on her kids but I have my own relationship with them! They’re my relatives too. Anyway, this wording really worked on her, probably because she realised whoever drew me could spend more on me individually, on something I wanted.

    11. Kate*

      Do you send gifts or is it in person?

      To put a lid on gift-giving in our family, particularly considering NOT exchanging anything was not a viable option (grumble grumble), I now take everyone out for a nice dinner at a place that we wouldn’t normally frequent.

      It’s become a beloved family tradition at this point, and simplifies things for me considerably!

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just stopped giving gifts. If there has been drama, nobody has brought it to me. (Though this is probably helped by the fact that I rarely see my family at Christmas.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My parents do send me (and my husband) Christmas gifts every year. Sometimes my sister does, but not consistently, and they’re usually not very well chosen to be honest. (Example: I don’t wear much jewelry, it’s all silver, and never big blingy stuff, but she’ll send me a necklace and earrings made from huge gaudy shiny gold plastic with the painted surface peeling off.)

          I also post on social media (which is shared with parents and sister as well as friends) every year around September – I basically just re-share it every time it comes up on the “on this day” feature – a general reminder that I prefer to give gifts spontaneously rather than for specific occasions, and that I do not expect gifts from anybody for any particular reason, so I am not involved in gift exchanging traditions, please do not feel obligated to get me anything, and I am not interested in being grumbled at for not getting anybody else something for whatever occasion.

    13. Veronica*

      Our family -parents, a few siblings, several nieces and nephews, and many great nieces and nephews from tweens to toddlers- have a tradition of just buying gifts for the youngest generation and the adults all do a creative gift card exchange. Each adult contributes a $25 gift card wrapped up with an item/ items that hint at the business the gift card is from. For example, a festively wrapped bag of charcoal briquettes AZ a clue for a Kohls department store card or a selection of canned beans for a card from a gas station. We draw numbers and take turns either choosing a wrapped gift from the middle or stealing one that’s been opened already. It’s a lot of fun coming up with the clues and the swap/ steal is light hearted and fun. This has been a fun solution for us all.

    14. Qwerty*

      Some alternatives to “no adult gifts”, but keeping “kids get gifts”:

      1. Secret Santa – spouses / significant others are treated like separate people, so you’d have 5 people in the group (7 if your parents participate). It sounds like your siblings really enjoy gift giving, so they can still go through that process but its focused on one person.

      2. Themed anon gift / kinda like a white elephant – not sure what to call this but hear me out on how my family broke out of our adult gifts. One year everyone bought a game and put it (wrapped) under the tree. We took turns picking a gift, unwrapping it, then playing the game as a family. Winner got to pick the next gift if they hadn’t already done so. The plan was to do a different theme each year, but we enjoyed the games and realized its easier to bring games you already know how to play.

      3. Activities!! Instead of you spending $50 to give Person A a gift and they spend $50 to give you a gift, is there something that you and Person A would like to do together that costs $50 each? It does eliminate the surprise element of gift giving, but I prefer quality time with people to objects. For example, my sister and I took a virtual cooking class together and all my siblings know the way to my heart is to go to a paint-and-sip event with me.

      Finally – you don’t have to have the solution in mind when you start the conversation. I think it would be easier not to – start by telling them that while gift giving seems to be something they enjoy and one of their love languages, it is not one for you and you’d like to explore trying out some alternatives. Ask them to think on it and get together with ideas – your siblings or their SO’s might surprise you! Make it a “lets try something different for 2025” and see how it goes rather than “we are forever changing Christmas” Depending on your family dynamics, I generally recommend 1×1 conversations – my sibling who drove the “no gifts” conversation floated it to each of us over a couple months. For the first 5 years, our mother still gave us gifts disguised as other things.

      You may need to figure out what to do during Christmas without the gift exchange. My family plays Minute to Win It games and we roped the biggest gift givers into designing the games each year as an outlet for their energy. Or we’ll come up with some other festive thing for the adults like a Christmas themed beer tasting. Gift exchanges take up a huge amount of time on Christmas so otherwise you risk being left with sitting around staring at each other.

    15. Generic Name*

      Ugh. I love my family, but I don’t love the giant gift extravaganza that seems to happen every year. My family is mostly adults, with 3 grandchildren under 18, and the adults have plenty of money to buy ourselves basically whatever we want. I’m more than happy to get the kids presents, but buying gifts for the adults feels like just another chore to do. One year, I got everyone to agree to a gift exchange so we each just bought something for one person. My mom didn’t enjoy that I guess and requested to go back to normal the next year. This year I’m going through something very stressful and fully outside my control, and I just announced that I will only be buying gifts for the kids. Everyone has accepted that and I’m getting mailed packages from my family, even though I told them they didn’t need to get anything for me. We’ll see what happens next year. Maybe I’ll just do gift cards or I’ll find one gift to give to everyone.

      1. Sloanicota*

        The “one gift for everybody” idea is actually good, if you want to demonstrate care for others but can’t sign on for the stress. One year I got everybody books, one year it was mushroom logs (who wouldn’t love a mushroom log??) and with the new-to-me-expectation that we kids are supposed to buy all the extended aunts and uncles a gift, I’m now into ordering like snack basket/food tray type things in early December, the same one or everybody (fruit basket also good). Maybe you can find a company you feel good about supporting, like Penzey’s spices or your local independent toy store or whatever, and do all your shopping in one go. Some years I also let myself go nuts on travel and buy virtually everyone some local artisanal thing from Wherever, which also feels nice to give your money as a tourist. The year I hit my limit I had panic-bought a bunch of crap from Amazon that I was pretty sure nobody even wanted *and* I don’t like to give money to, and realized something needed to change.

    16. Seashell*

      Maybe you could just bow out of adult gift giving and say you don’t want anything, but if other people are really dying to give, here are 3 charities you support and they can make a donation to whichever one they prefer in your name. If they’re determined to have you open something, they can do a note about what they gave or something like that.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Or something I’ve seen folks do – pick a local charity that’s near to your heart (animal shelter, teen org, DV assistance, etc) and tell folks that anything you get will be donated to (charity), their wishlist is at this link. People who like to buy and wrap gifts can, and you’re not stuck with it.

    17. Leo the lion*

      I’m glad you put this on my radar, bc all the kids are still single, but my bro might not be soon!
      I would suggest a family gift. You can find out what sort of video games/board games they like, and buy one for the fam. You could take everyone out for ice cream or to the zoo or some other fun place.
      If that’s not in the cards, the kids are less than 7 years old. A seven year old will not look up the price of an item. I remember LOVING a kids movie I got, it was probably under 20 bucks. My sister held onto a stuffed caterpillar for years, under 10 bucks. I have some nail polish I love, under 10 bucks. My brother got me a kitchen scale under 20 bucks (I love to cook). This year we had a challenge to find something under 10 bucks for our secret Santa (sans shipping) and it was really fun to push the limits on a great gift at a great price.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oh my nephew’s favourite book as a toddler was The Gingerbread Man. When shopping I saw this adorable stuffed gingerbread man that was like a few pounds; my friend with me was of the opinion I should make up the total amount spent on him by buying something else, but toddlers don’t think that way! He costs me a little more now he’s older, alas but he’s never loved anything as much as that stuffed gingerbread man. Make the most of it while the niblings are young!

    18. Boggle*

      My siblings and I used to do the same until we decided to do a Secret Santa where you pick one person to buy a present. That was fine and eventually it went the way of no more gift exchanges between siblings. I only purchased gifts for the (11!) nieces and nephews, and thankfully that’s over too. I enjoyed buying them gifts but after a while it got to be too much and they did not really seem to need much as their parents were always very generous too. Now I’m just waiting for the weddings and births to start! :)

    19. Sigrid says hey*

      We give zoo memberships to our nieces and nephews and their children. For my siblings we give tickets to a show at a nice dinner theater and all go together, usually in mid April.
      For my husband’s brothers we give either socks, gloves, scarve, or toques. One bitterly cold December we gave them long underwear.

    20. I just really can’t think of a name*

      I have two brothers, one married and one divorced. Each one has two kids. (I’m also married and have one child.) We’re all comfortable financially, but I’m like you and just can’t with all the stuff!

      I send each brother’s family a subscription or membership for Christmas. One brother always wants a family membership to a science center near him, and the other one tends to want to switch it up. Some years, it’s been a National Geographic subscription (his wife and kids all love Nat Geo) but other years it’s been something else.

      The key is that it’s one gift for the entire family and it’s something I can buy online without any fuss. You can dress it up as much as you want. A month (or however long) of Netflix plus some fancy popcorn or a cozy blanket. A giant jigsaw puzzle or kid-friendly game plus mugs and hot chocolate mix or a pizza stone for winter family fun nights. Etc.

      I do send actual presents to each of the kids on their respective birthdays. I enjoy doing that, and I find that birthday presents don’t get lost in the chaos the way Christmas presents do. But a card with some money or a gift card in it would go over just as well once the kids are 5 or so and require less effort.

  17. Pentapus*

    Who else finds receiving gifts disappointing? I know people mean well, but so many gifts just miss the mark. I almost always find gift giving occasions a little sad-making. Anyone else?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes, as an adult it really is more rewarding to give (especially to the kids) than receive, but I also treat myself to a gift or two this time of year and do get pleasure from that.

    2. Double A*

      I’ve actually come to like both getting and giving gifts more as I get older.

      I spend so much time and effort taking care of other people that I really appreciate any gifts people give me that show they were thinking of me. That’s what people mean by “It’s the thought that counts.” It’s also exciting for me to get something that I didn’t have to think about, because I’m responsible for so many logistics in my life that it’s nice to have someone take a little of the mental load from me and just pick something for me. But I’m also not that particular.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Yes to all this (and the mental load part is something I almost included in my separate comment about gift giving styles, but left out for brevity). I value the short moment of feeling taken care of, not the size or price of the gift.

        To OP’s point, there’s a specific member of my family who has given me off-the-mark gifts all my life, and I’m glad I now live far away and no longer get gifts from them. I can’t stand stuff I don’t have a use for lying around the house, and would rather have no gift instead (which I said many times, but my family is big on unwrapping presents – the year I asked for an experience as a gift, they resisted it until the end).

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Yeah, it’s a bit of a letdown. I really do not want stuff I don’t want (lol… obviously) but just sharing a list and knowing what I’m going to get isn’t fun either. Some of my in-laws and I tried giving donations to charity one year and we were all like yeah, that felt weird (to like, direct someone else’s donations and call it a gift to you). I really miss that kid feeling of not knowing what I’d get and then being pleasantly surprised by something really great. I think for me a lot of it is that my mom was an awesome gift giver and after she died (when I was an adult) no one else has really hit the mark as consistently as she did.

    4. allathian*

      I do, to the point that my family decided to quit swapping gifts between adults. Most of us also find shopping stressful, and the joy of getting gifts, no matter how well-chosen never seened to compensate for the stress of buying them for others. Swapping wish lists wasn’t very satisfactory either.

      We have too much stuff as it is.

    5. Peregrine*

      My partner and I give each other lists so there’s not disappointment or money waste. I dislike the monetary waste most—a relative spends a few hundred every year giving us non-returnable food items we don’t want. We could actually use the money! (Yes, we’ve told her—doesn’t work.)

      1. PhyllisB*

        I still buy gifts for my children and grandchildren. The grands range from young adult down to young teenagers so sometimes it’s gift cards or money for them, unless they tell me something they REALLY want.
        Actually what they really love is their Christmas stockings, even the adult kids, so I buy all kinds of little things for stockings and they’re thrilled. They still want Easter baskets too but that’s another issue. :-)
        My husband is impossible to buy for. He’s an Amazon junkie and orders whatever he wants whenever. I have tried telling him not to get anything the weeks before Christmas and just put it on a list for us, but to no avail. He’s also very hard to buy for in that if it’s not EXACTLY what he wants he won’t use it at all but won’t let me return it. He also feels like gift cards are too impersonal.
        At least from me. The kids have gotten him gift cards and they were well received. I’m easier to please, but now we just pick out our own gift.
        I’ve tried mentioning not getting each other anything but he won’t hear of it. On our anniversary in November I persuaded him to take a short trip instead of a gift but for Christmas, no dice.
        This year all he asked for was shirts and underwear, so that’s what he’s getting.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          You know you’re an adult when you genuinely look forward to getting shirts and underwear!

          1. PhyllisB*

            Yep or eye exams and dental work. One year my oldest daughter asked for funds to repair a chipped tooth (got off easy on that one. Less than $100.00.) My son wanted an eye exam and new contacts.
            I asked my youngest did she need a knee replacement.

      2. Zephy*

        This is the gift-giving style of the family I married into – tell me what you would like me to buy for you, the fact that you didn’t have to pay for it is the gift (because we’re all working adults and can generally buy what we want for ourselves). Even after 10+ years I’m not used to it, but they (primarily MIL) will also just, you know, pick up whatever strikes *her* fancy at HomeGoods or what have you and present that as a gift. I’ve gotten a lot of weird and crappy gifts because I’m so bad at asking/making lists.

    6. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My cats always get me something nice, always just what I wanted, and they seem to appreciate the bag or wrapping paper in return.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I think there’s often a clash of gift giving cultures even within the same family. You have Cookies for Breakfasts example of the person who loves surprises Vs the person who wants What They Asked For. Then there’s the person who wants nothing at all, especially any physical stuff, the person who only wants gift cards from the person who hates to give gift cards, the person who wants something thoughtful they never would have thought of themselves, the person who wants something practical, the person who wants something impractical. I think a lot of people fall into the “I have to get them something” trap, and genuinely like just having something shiny to unwrap themselves so they do that for others. You can also buy more shiny stuff if you don’t particularly care what the shiny stuff is for, or how suitable it is. Sometimes the gift is more for the unwrapping activity than anything else.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A bit. I am hard to shop for because if I really want something, either I buy it for myself or it’s expensive enough that I wouldn’t ask someone else to buy it. My husband and parents don’t really know much about the details of my hobbies, so they can only buy me hobby stuff at a fairly surface level (and I’m picky about hobby supplies). I don’t wear jewelry, I don’t need clothes. I end up either getting stuff I specifically put on a wishlist instead of buying myself, which is fine and is now my preference, or for YEARS with my ex’s family, it was literally “she likes moose, so we just get her anything we see with moose on it.” (I literally got the same ugly bobble head plastic moose four times in three years.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes honestly as someone in this similar boat the kindest thing you can do is start some kind of collection of stuff so they can feel thoughtful and express their love for you, and you don’t mind being The Hippo Person or whatever it is. I try to steer people towards something like mugs or plates that I might actually use rather than shelf kitsch, but if I get the latter I still try to be gracious they thought of me and remembered I like llamas (or whatever).

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I didn’t even MIND the moose collection in general, but that one specific one that they kept giving me, he just … wasn’t even remotely cute. He appears to have finally been discontinued, thank heaven — but he was dressed and posed in a manner that looked like he was sitting on a plastic sofa in his run-down trailer out on the back 40, scratching his nethers with one hoof, and was about to yell for his spouse to bring him a beer and some pork rinds. NOT a good addition, haha. I’d have taken the ones that look like they were carved from logs with chainsaws all day long and twice on holidays, but not that guy.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        My poor mother once let it slip that she liked black and white cows. A flood of Friesian crap ensued until she called a halt.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          A friend of mine ended up with a frog collection because somehow someone got the idea that she liked frogs and it spread. She had zero opinion about frogs at all, and had no idea how the whole thing got started, but she had literally HUNDREDS of frog things that she had been gifted.

    9. Magdalena*

      Solidarity! I also dislike getting gifts.
      I do not like sweets nor alcohol and I don’t have space to put decorations so gifts from family are usually a headache, and the added pressure of having to pretend I like something makes me sad.

      On the other hand I love picking thoughtful gifts for kids and am excited when it’s a hit.

      I also have a friend who gets me professional publications from our niche field, and I do the same for her. We are each very excited when we surprise each other with our newest find.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I bless my brother-in-law for being the one to suggest we stop exchanging gifts among the adults.

      Because my gift giving is now down to just my own husband and kids, it actually is all about the caring that is embodied in this ritual exchange of gifts. Like I discovered late in life that sock quality is a thing, and now I give everyone a good pair of socks. Also helps that we do “Here is a list of gift suggestions” that is not binding but offers ideas for those unsure what to get, and if you would really like a very specific thing you can just spell that out.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        A boyfriend’s sister once gave me a pair of running socks and I thought it was a weird gift until I used them, and that’s when I discovered there actually is such a thing as Good Socks. They made me feel like I was running on a fluffy light cloud.

    11. Throwaway Account*

      Yes! So much so that I started buying gifts for myself as a joke and putting them under the tree. I’m not talking expensive. The first time I got myself a $20 Easter island head tissue box cover.

      But I stopped after just two years bc it only seemed to highlight to others how much their gifts missed the mark. People would exclaim about how perfect the gifts were for me and they’d all look around to see who gave them and then it was me. It made them sad and me too bc they could recognize my taste when they saw it but often missed the mark. I think it just shows how busy ppl are and how hard it is to keep a budget and shop for everyone. It can be too much!

      My husband and I don’t give each other gifts anymore for anything – we mostly chat about bigger items we might want and decide together. Smaller things, we just get them when we need them.

      We feel like the whole, “it’s the thought that counts” just leads to lots of stuff we don’t want filling our house. Even though we do know it IS the thought that counts.

      It is much more fun for all, I think, to give gifts to children and the occasional gift for adults when you see something just right for them.

      All the kids in our family are now in their 20s and 30s and we send them gift cards so they can get what they want.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        My partner is getting me the new “butt” pillow for my work chair and I am getting him a new keyboard and a mouse. We are romantic like that, lol.

    12. RussianInTexas*

      Me! I am very picky, and I always feel like people, even close to me, pick what they like, and not me, it they don’t know me.
      On the flip side, I really struggle with gift giving as well. It stresses me out, I receive zero joy from the whole process. Giving and receiving. Both are awkward and forced.

    13. Harlowe*

      My family quit gifting three years ago and suddenly the holidays feel good again. No stress, just bonding and eating and laughing together.

    14. TheOtherHalf*

      Yes, I have to really put an act on and every year dread coming home from my in-laws, burdened with clothes I hate, jewelry I would never wear, home decor I’ve no room for, bottles of hideous wine – all of which have to be juggled on the train ride home while I’m carrying a dog. Then it goes directly to the charity shop.

      This year I tried to nip it in the bud. Told my sister-in-law directly, “Look, I don’t need anything but gin.” and told Hubs to tell them all that if they love me they can get me a gift card to the liquor store (everything is cheaper in their state than ours).

      If this makes me sound like an alcoholic Grinch, I don’t care. In my family only the children get presents; the holiday is more like us getting together for a big meal and relaxing and talking together over excellent food and drink. Fortunately, we do get to do this on Christmas Eve (my in-laws get invited too) and I just try to remember that part the next morning when my brother in law is videotaping, once again, everybody opening their gifts, amid the growing piles of unnecessary paper, ribbon, boxes etc. (“No wait, do that again, I didn’t get the angle right.”) Remembering helps to provide the proper response of smiles and gratitude.

      And then I make them breakfast.

    15. fhqwhgads*

      Yeah, I was always annoyed by people insisting “it’s the thought that counts” – implying “they thought of giving you a gift” is sufficient. My perspective is if the gift shows they put zero thought into it whatsoever – such as sending a charcuterie board to a vegetarian – indeed the thought counts and there wasn’t any, so pfft.
      I’m glad my family spontaneously stopped gift-giving at some point because no gifts was fine with me, but conspicuously unthoughtful gifts actively made me feel bad. See also: boy child relatives were given (literally) 10x more gifts than girl child relatives, really pissed me off.

    16. Clisby*

      Not disappointing, exactly. I just don’t care about it.

      My husband and I have a tradition of going out together after Christmas and buying something we both really want. Last year we were spiffing up the living room and bought 2 Afghani-made rugs that are about a universe prettier than the rugs we had before – that’s not something either of us would presume to just buy for the other one.

    17. Hyaline*

      If I’m honest, I think it’s mostly that the magic of being a little kid and hoping against hope for that special gift isn’t there any more. It’s no one’s fault and I don’t think anything can change it, but I realized while wrapping my kids’ Santa gifts that it’s just Different now as an adult.

    18. Water Everywhere*

      Yup. Christmas especially. For random unexpected gifts I can genuinely appreciate the thought even if the gift is not to my taste. When it’s a Christmas gift from family or someone close, I think for me it’s the disappointment of ‘how do you not know I don’t like x??’ Even in the years my family did ‘choose from this list of things I actually want’, certain folks would go wildly off-list and expect gushing gratitude. I am not that good an actor.

      A few years ago I finally made it understood that I’m opting out of the family Christmas gift exchange entirely and would make a charitable donation instead. If anyone feels they must spend money on me they are welcome to do the same.

    19. goddessoftransitory*

      Yes and no. I’ve received some hilariously off the mark stuff in my day (once when I was about thirteen my dad’s then-wife’s mom bought me this HUGE white patent leather purse with a giant gold clasp–you could have smuggled a turkey in it. It was clearly expensive but did not scream “teenager” at all.)

      My now-late mom would buy me the most bizarre blouses every year–always from Macy’s, nice stuff in and of themselves, but again, she had the weirdest ideas about what I wore or how I lived. I will miss getting those.

      The gifts I mostly don’t go for are from my workplace–usually branded swag that I don’t need at all.

      1. allathian*

        That purse sounds like one my mom got as a gift before I was born (late 60s, very early 70s). AFAIK she never used it, but my sister and I loved playing with it.

  18. Liminality*

    Hoping for suggestions on sleep eating. As in a ‘how-to’.

    I’m taking a medication. Won’t say what for as it’s not about medical advice. But I’m supposed to take it with food. Taking on an empty stomach so far has resulted in mild/moderate digestive annoyances.
    First dose is fairly early in the morning and I set an alarm to wake up and take it. On weekdays I get up around that time anyway for work, but on weekends I’d much rather take the meds and fall right back asleep. What kind of food will be alright at room temp by my bedside overnight that Also is simple / easy enough to eat that it doesn’t end with me too awake to fall back asleep? Thanks!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Seconding the oatmeal cookies. My sister is a retired nurse and when she had to give meds to folks at night she would encourage them to eat at least half of an oatmeal cookie and it didn’t overfill them or disrupt their sleep.

      1. Liminality*

        Heheheh… potential. My life experiences up to now have taught me that pop tarts require a toaster.

    3. Annie Edison*

      Banana? Or crackers
      Those are my go-tos when I need to take meds with food and then go back to sleep

    4. Not A Manager*

      How much food are you supposed to eat? Usually that just means literally not an empty stomach. I’d have some crackers and a glass of water.

    6. Bibliovore*

      Oh, I know. I had something similar for many years- If you can get to the kitchen and back to bed my go-to is a cup of milk with a splash of decaff cold decaf.
      For the bedside- a banana or a few of graham crackers.
      Try to take the pill and sit up for about 15 minutes- I pack pillow around me and drift back to sleep.

    7. office hobbit*

      Does any food work, or does it need to be with something specific like fat? If any food is fine, saltines are my go-to, or something like half a soft granola bar. And a glass of water to swish out your mouth a little so you don’t wake up to a terrible taste.

      1. Liminality*

        They didn’t say any specific type of food, so maybe saltines or a granola bar would be a good option. Thank you!

    8. RLC*

      Would snack/lunchbox size pouches of applesauce work? Requires no refrigeration, no utensils (unscrew cap and squeeze applesauce into mouth), and makes minimal to no mess.

      1. Liminality*

        Oooh, yeah! That’s a great way to avoid needing utensils. I’ll ask my sister if I can steal an applesauce pouch from my niece/nephew for research purposes.

    9. Shiny Penny*

      Saltines. Graham crackers.
      A slice of hard cheese (ymmv but I’ve eaten unrefrigerated hard cheese for days while backpacking, no problem).

      (Unrequested advice: Check with the pharmacist that it’s ok to lay back down immediately after taking the pills, because there are meds where that can damage your throat.)

      1. Liminality*

        I have been known to deliberately leave Babybel cheeses out to get softer. That might be a good idea too!
        (And thank you for your thoughtful suggestion. You’re right, it would be awful to unintentionally hurt myself. I’ll reach out to the pharmacy on Monday to check. )

        1. Nightengale*

          I was about to suggest babybels but thought the unwaxing process might be too much work when half asleep. But if you can unwax easily, they are definitely fine left at room temperature for overnight lengths of time. Babybel and triscuits is one of my emergency travel snack/meals.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Crackers and grapes was my go to when pregnant, so I could eat them without even getting out of bed.

    11. sswj*

      How about a bit of bread and butter or peanut butter? Wrap it in paper towel and it should be fine in the morning, and it will give your system a bit of carb and a bit of fat to ward off the unhappy gut syndrome.

        1. sswj*

          Possibly! I know you can get parchment paper (I use it for baking occasionally) and that would probably work too.

    12. Alex*

      I make these “breakfast cookies” and typically keep them in the fridge or freezer long term but they are fine at room temp for a day or so. You can take one out and put it by your bedside at night.

      The recipe is at the website shelikesfood dot com called “healthy make ahead breakfast cookies”. There’s a few different flavor combos there, and I like the carrot cake ones best myself. It says the recipe makes 12 cookies, but I usually make them smaller so I can have one for just a little snack or more for a whole breakfast.

    13. JSPA*

      A small apple and a digestive biscuit (simple cookie)? A few ritz crackers? Animal crackers / arrowroot biscuit? A couple of plain graham crackers? All pleasant enough, but not exactly exciting, and (except for drawing pests or pets) you could leave them out for a week, let alone a night. (Hard cheese or meat stick is too salty.)

      1. Liminality*

        Very true. I’m currently ‘between’ pets, but I do hope to have another kitty companion someday. That’ll be important to consider.

      1. Liminality*

        It’s amazing how often I forget about goldfish crackers, but you’re right. A handful would be pretty simple and the bag is closable. Thank you!

    15. *daha**

      Could you set a small slow-cooker (crockpot) at your bedside and put ingredients for overnight oatmeal in it before bed? And you could also ask your pharmacist if the timing of that first daily dose is as critical as you are treating it. Good luck!

      1. Liminality*

        Mmmm… that would probably smell so yummy. I bet I’d be dreaming about oatmeal cookies!
        I will add the question of critical timing to my list of questions for Monday. Thanks!

    16. Seashell*

      A granola bar? One of my kids likes the Made Good granola bars. They’re small and soft, so they are easy to eat quickly and not overly filling. Clif bars are soft and smallish too.

      1. Liminality*

        I don’t think I’ve heard of the Made Good brand before. Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check them out!

    17. Person from the Resume*

      My immediate thought is a breakfast bar or protein bar (I try to get extra protein.

      Probably don’t want anything too dry. And for full on breakfast bars, I might only have half at a time.

      1. Liminality*

        Thank you! I’m definitely going to be checking out all the granola/breakfast bars at the grocery store this week!

    18. Rage*

      Anything carbs, basically. Oatmeal cookies are probably a good idea, but any bread product – maybe a croissant? You could put it into a ziploc bag to keep it fresh.

      1. Liminality*

        Mmmmm….. chocolate croissant….. talk about sweet dreams! Good idea on the ziplock, I bet that would help prevent any critters having midnight snacks too. Thank you!

    20. ronda*

      my sister has been eating cake ice cream cones (no ice cream, just cone) with her pills.

      she goes thru them at an alarming rate.

      1. Liminality*

        Ha! I’ll bet she would! I used to work at an ice cream store. I wonder if I’d start dreaming that I’m back there again? That could be a good or bad dream.

        Have you ever dreamed you’re back in an old job? I’ve been surprised how often I have those dreams!

    21. Nightengale*

      peanut butter crackers are my go-to when I need to eat something with an NSAID but am too tired and/or headachy to attempt anything more foodlike.

  19. Nicki Name*

    I just came across a book review that made me think of AAM, and not because it had anything to do with office life. I’ll put the link in a reply, but it’s for Do I Know You?, an autobiographical book from an author with a bunch of neural oddities.

    She’s aphantasic, which made me think of the threads here about aphantasia, and also has no depth perception, which got me thinking of the LW who started off asking how she could tell her colleagues she was just a total klutz and eventually learned that something about her spatial processing was messed up.

    2. Jules the First*

      Oh how interesting…I am also faceblind and can’t see depth! I wonder how often the two go together?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also fairly face blind, and my depth perception is not great — didn’t occur to me that they could be related.

        On the other hand, I am great at remembering exactly where on a page a piece of text is, even if I can’t always picture the specific words. My cousin who has reading issues is great with faces, and I believe that she found something that said that it’s the same part of the brain that deals with those two skills — some of us have the part that remembers text really well, others of us have the part that remembers faces really well, and the lucky ones in the middle have pretty good facility with both!

      2. Jenesis*

        At least in my case, they’re probably not related. I’m pretty garbage at remembering human faces, but I have very vivid mental imagery and I don’t think my depth perception is any worse than your average astigmatic.

      3. Nightengale*

        I’m faceblind with generally poor visual perception more globally – can’t read maps, can’t figure out what is happening in drawings. I’ve always assumed the two are linked- that faces are in the subset of visual things I have difficulty telling apart. I’m also aphantastic. (but isn’t that word fantastic?!)

    3. InkyFingers*

      I’d mentioned the book both when it was released in July (her dad and I know each other & he gave me a heads-up about it early this year) and also a few weeks ago, after reading it—it’s exceptional! And wonderfully written, so much so that it made me think of Oliver Sacks’s work even before the author mentioned him. Cannot recommend it enough! Especially for those of us who are neurotypical, it’s an eye-opener in understanding more about the neurodivergent in our lives.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I learned of it here and then recommended it here.

        I quite liked the book for its series of “Wait, this doesn’t work this way for everyone?”

    5. The OG Sleepless*

      I am moderately face-blind. My memory of past events is pretty good, but not great. My depth perception is average to above average. Now I’m really interested in reading the book!

  20. Heffalump*

    I was thinking about this joke I heard years ago. It was originally about Brezhnev, but I’ll update it:

    Putin walks out on the balcony at the Kremlin in the morning and says, “Good morning, sun.”

    The sun says, “Good morning, President Putin.”

    In the afternoon, Putin walks out on the balcony again and says, “Good afternoon, sun.”

    The sun says, “Good afternoon, President Putin.”

    As the sun is starting to set, Putin walks out on the balcony and says, “Goodnight, sun.” This time, no response from the sun. Putin says, “Sun, why don’t you say goodnight to me?”

    The sun says, “Fuck you, I’m in the West now.”

    2. Hilde*

      There‘s a marvellous telling of this joke in The Lives of Others, except that because the movie is set in the GDR, the person greeting the sun is the then-president of East Germany, Erich Honecker (and the punchline is, “Kiss my ass, I’m in the West.”)

      1. Heffalump*

        I saw The Lives of Others, but I totally forgot that. The Lives of Others and Goodbye Lenin bookend each other very nicely. Two takes on the DDR, one light, one dark.

  21. Not your typical admin*

    Let’s make a list for the best white elephant gift ideas. We were at one tonight and here were the things that were a hit:

    1. Buckee’s tumbler cups. We had one open up near us so these were a big hit, and got stolen a few times.
    2. Hand warmers. This was the gift I wound up with. It’s a little device you change that heats up for you to hold so your hands don’t get cold. I naturally have cold hands so I’m very excited to try this out.

    1. Becky s.*

      I just got a rechargeable LED flashlight for a white elephant party in a few days. I think it will be a hit.

    2. The OG Sleepless*

      I don’t think this would work for anyone besides college students, but my daughter just went to a white elephant exchange. She wanted to take a food item, and after her friends talked her out of a rotisserie chicken, she took a 20 pound bag of basmati rice. The college student who got that gift is going to be making free rice for quite awhile.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      I would say a shawl or very warm socks (Obviously not too pricy!) I’m sitting here waiting for the heat to kick in, in case you couldn’t tell :)

    5. Mx. Snuffleupagus*

      One year at work someone brought in a bag of cereal marshmallows that was super popular.

      In my family one of the cousins usually brings a bunch of scratch-offs which are a hit. I usually give games and toys (less popular, but they’re something where I know I’ll be happy if I end up with it).

      1. Tyvm1*

        What I’m seeing again and again is that people can fly Yankee swap with white elephant with secret Santa. I am very old (ha ha) but in my day, a white elephant was literally something you had been gifted or given that nobody could possibly want. Things like a used golf ball, or one measuring spoon out of a set of four. It’s been conflated anymore to be anything of Small value, but that does have an actual value, like a shawl or a flashlight or something like that.

    7. JustEm*

      my favorite white elephant gift I’ve received was a white elephant-shaped ring holder. I got it 7-8 years ago and still put my ring on it every night before I go to bed

  22. 2024*

    I need advice on how to handle the debt that’s strangling me. I discharged bankruptcy in May and gradually took a series of extremely high interest short term loans with outrageous terms. Very much a snowball effect, at first I could handle it, paid off several but now it’s unmanageable.

    I took the loans in part to increase my credit score after bankruptcy and also to pay for things. My own severe emotional and mental health struggles have led me to take more loans as well (kind of a coping strategy) but that’s a different story.

    These lenders are merciless. What do I do now??? Are there any nonproft debt consolidation programs I can turn to ? I’m so stressed I can’t even form coherent questions.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Ok, thinking of places to turn for advice and assistance –
      When you discharged bankruptcy, who organised that/ helped you with the paperwork etc? Do they have information about financial counsellors or other debt management services? Here in Australia financial counsellors have to be accredited, and this gives them professional knowledge and clout when helping clients. Many work for large church organisations in the social welfare realm, usually free of charge. Do you have any local libraries, council offices, legal aid offices etc – these are likely sources of information about debt management, financial counselling etc. If you receive any welfare payments, there may be associated government resources re debt management. (In Australia this would be Centrelink). Also, here, it would be worth talking with any local politicians (or their staff) about what services are available locally to advise you on what to do.
      Basically you need someone who has a knowledge of debt management and legal processes, and who can possibly advocate for you to help you negotiate a manageable repayment schedule and ensure the debt collectors are not illegally harassing you.
      From your side of things, you can make sure all the paperwork you have is kept together and that you are keeping a record of all contacts you have with the debt collectors, by phone or mail. In Australia there are rules about how often you can be contacted, and in what way etc. So start a notebook, keep details, also write down all the things you are doing to deal with this (eg asking for suggestions online at AAM).
      It’s not going to be a speedy process, but many people genuinely do manage to get out of debt over time. As you have mentioned mental health issues, make sure you tell your doctor or counsellor about this current extra stress. It’s helpful for them to know re treating you, and it may be useful at some point to have a supporting letter from your doctor etc.
      I am sorry you are going through this, it’s horrible to worried all the time. Once you have information and a plan in place, it will be easier for you to manage. In the meantime – you still need to eat, and rest, and look after your health. Remember that there are organisations you can call when you need to talk to someone – in Australia we have Lifeline, Beyond Blue etc – find out what is available where you are, they can be useful resources too. My best wishes to you!

    2. Ellis Bell*

      Do you have any not for profit debt services or credit unions near you? A kind level headed person in your life you can talk things through with? Generally you need support in these situations to prioritise what to pay, and how to get your creditors to the negotiation table. There’s always a way of making a plan, but I wouldn’t try to do it alone.

    3. Reba*

      That sounds really stressful, I’m sorry. Yes, you want a non profit credit counseling agency. (There are other kinds of debt settling, credit repairing etc. businesses but you want the credit counseling) there are lists of legitimate ones, links to follow in comments.
      I wonder if a local or online support group might also help you feel more grounded and less alone in the meantime.

      2. AnonForThis*

        I did nonprofit credit counseling when my then-spouse and I had acquired an unpayable amount of CC debt. It was emotionally complicated and I had a fair amount of shame attached but the benefits were as follows: 1. You have to stop using your credit cards, so you can’t accumulate more debt. 2. You pay principle, but not interest. 3. It protects your credit. 4. You can divide the remaining debt if you divorce (not your situation but generally good information.)

        The downsides: 1. You lose the ability to have an emergency credit card; our furnace went out somewhat unexpectedly during this process and we had to ask for family help to get a new one. 2. It takes a long time (5.5 years in my case.)

        I would 100% do it again but like five years sooner. I knew someone around this time who was using a strategy where you quit paying your CC bills, dodge bill collectors when they call, and then negotiate yourself to pay off a portion of the balance in return for a clean slate and closed card. I do not recommend this – it harmed their credit, they had to lie, it did not change their spending habits, etc.

        Final observation: likely some combination of urgent life problems, hopelessness about the debt, possibly impulse spending, and possibly shame contributed to creating this situation for you. Sometimes getting rid of the debt will itself solve the problem; what you’re describing sounds like there’s some mental health difficulties contributing to the situation. If possible, getting some emotional support an/or therapy will also help. You don’t mention a partner but in my case I had to face the fact that my then-spouse was engaging in financially abusive behavior that significantly contributed to our bad financial situation (it was not all their fault by any means but it was hard for me to solve the problems with someone who was intentionally and explicitly using money to harm me.)

        Good luck. You can do it!

    4. Sloanicota*

      Others will definitely have better advice, but I know when I was struggling with money, the honest problem was that I didn’t have nearly enough coming in, and none of the tips and tricks could change that – there’s no way to pay off money if you don’t have enough to cover the basics. A few months delay wouldn’t have helped me either because I didn’t make enough. The only thing that worked was getting a better paying job. I wasn’t just “behind” I was *under.*

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      In terms of dealing with the mental and emotional issues that may be contributing to this situation (and that may also be resulting from this situation), you might want to check out some 12-step groups like Debtors Anonymous and/or Underearners Anonymous.

      In those groups, you’ll find kindred spirits who are or have been where you are now and get a lot of emotional and practical support for crafting and implementing some strategies to get out from under.

      Seriously, give them a try. I think you’ll feel a lot less desperate. You can probably find phone meetings and/or zoom meetings if there aren’t in-person meetings for these groups near you.

      1. WellRed*

        This or you’ll keep repeating the behavior. Also, pick up a part time job and dump the earnings on paying this down. Or assess whether you have anything worth selling.

  23. Cookies For Breakfast*

    When buying gifts, do you prioritise your own choosing / purchasing style, or the way the other person likes to receive?

    I think my partner is the former: I like surprises, but never get any from him. He asks me what I want for Christmas and buys the exact thing. The closest to a surprise he will get is choosing from a shortlist of similar items I took the time to make. I’ve said many times that he can just get me a book I’m not expecting, and I’ll be delighted. But he insists on getting me bigger things. I used to out-earn him, and now we have similar salaries, and I wonder if it plays a part (for me gifts are never about the money, for him maybe they are a little?). Or maybe the fact that I use very old things until they’re on their last legs stands out to him, and this is how he encourages me to replace them?

    This is fairly low-stakes in the context of our relationship, interested in what the dynamics are for others!

    1. Still*

      I’m more like your husband but one of my friends always has the same answer when I ask what she wants: “a surprise!” – so that’s what I get for her.

      Could you just… not make a list for him?

      1. anectoad*

        Cookies for Breakfast says “The closest to a surprise he will get is choosing from a shortlist of similar items I took the time to make” so it sounds like they do indeed make a list for him.

        1. Still*

          I didn’t mean “could you not make a list for him” (start making a list), I meant “could you NOT MAKE a list for him” (stop making a list so he has to come up with something on his own). That ellipsis is doing some heavy lifting!

    2. Surprise*

      Pretty much every couple I know has one person who figures out what people would like and surprises them and one who won’t/can’t/hates it. I suspect this leads to the same dynamic you have most of the time. I do know some of the folks who don’t surprise shop do often make an effort for major milestones (20th anniversary, 50th birthday, etc) but that’s not universal.

      Also, some people dislike surprises so people who’ve grown up in those environments are less likely to want to surprise people.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, a friend of mine is an a mixed-holiday couple where the male partner didn’t come from a big celebration culture and consistently “lets her down” by getting her very small or no gifts on occasions. She’s someone who loves gifts (both giving and receiving) but doesn’t want to tell him exactly what to buy her, which I understand. But she’s also quite picky so that’s tough. If I could advise him, I’d tell him to for something meaningful like jewelry and ask her to balance out this weakness against his other good qualities, and maybe make a point to treat *herself* extra around the holidays.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I think over time we’ve blended styles – my family has done lists since I was a teenager but I think my husband comes from more of a ‘surprise’ background. But he also hates shopping (and going to the store to return or exchange something) and wasting money, so he’s come onboard with the list thing! But usually we’ll get a list gift or two and then a surprise or two. We’re both big readers so a ‘surprise’ book is always welcome, but he says that I read so many books (from the library) that he is always worried about buying me something I’ve already read!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I tend to stay away from book gifts for big readers. A close relative is a librarian and I think of other gifts for her because I know she probably read the same review I did and already got her hands on the book for free.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Half the time I’d be totally fine getting a book I’ve already read from the library, I am a person who likes owning my books! He has done things like order a book from abroad that wasn’t available in our country yet, which was quite impressive.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Two anecdotes from advice columns that stayed with me re gifts:

      1) After their dad died, the adult kids learned that all the gifts he had given their mom had been bought by her. Their first Christmas together she happened to catch a glimpse of him at the mall, frozen in terror, and realized that this was not his thing. And so she took it over. He loved her, she understood that, but showing it by coming up with great gift ideas did not in any way play to his strengths.

      2) For contrast, someone had dated a person who was incredible at gift selection. Stuff you never realized you wanted. In a lot of other ways they were not a thoughtful partner, and so the couple eventually broke up, but man, years later they thought back on those awesome gifts.

      Which is to say that gift giving is one of those skills that is easy and fluid for some people, and difficult and confusing for other people, and that’s more with how their brain works than how emotionally close and valued you are to them. I think it’s worth trying to find middle ground, while also extending a lot of grace and looking for other ways to connect if the ritual exchange of gifts doesn’t work well.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We’re both pretty low-key on receiving and enjoy the giving part more, but this year (starting back in May) we actually have revamped our gifting strategies to be even more low-key. We agreed that a big struggle for both of us is that we see stuff we would like to get each other throughout the year, but then either save the idea to buy later and forget about it, or buy the gift to give later and forget about it. So our conclusion this year has been, instead of giving each other gifts at Christmastime, over the course of the year, a few times each, one of us has handed the other a random gift and said “Merry Christmas.” This has resulted in not a whole lot of Christmas spirit around here this year — we forgot to put up the decorations until it felt like too late to bother anyway — but we will still exchange stockings on Christmas Eve as we usually do, with just candy and little stuff, plus opening presents that were sent from my parents. I’m better at surprise giving than he is, but that’s because he is categorically easier to shop for.

      But he did always grumble that my amazon wishlist was full of, quote, “things that sitcoms tell me I will get in trouble for getting my wife,” and could I PLEASE put something on it that wasn’t kitchen or household gear. My logic was, my hobby stuff doesn’t come from Amazon, and he doesn’t know enough about my hobbies to buy me hobby stuff without me pretty explicitly telling him what I want or need and probably standing over him to point it out, so this way he can buy me the useful stuff that I’m less picky about, and then I can use the money I’d have spent on that stuff to do my hobby shopping, PLUS having the enjoyment of actually doing the shopping, which he hates. :P

      1. Sloanicota*

        There’s definitely a divide on the value of practical items as gifts. I tend to like them, but I know my dad always frantically chants “nothing with a cord! nothing with a cord!” which is clearly advice he’s gotten out in the world.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I put a Dustbuster on my list once and he was like “NO. NO NO NO. I AM NOT GETTING YOU A VACUUM FOR CHRISTMAS. I HAVE SEEN THOSE SHOWS.” Which cracked me up, and may in fact have been part of why I put it on there to begin with. Before we spread the gifting over the year, it was further complicated by the fact that my birthday is the week before Christmas, so it turned into, I wasn’t supposed to buy myself anything starting in November that wasn’t a dire emergency, I had to put it on my wishlist instead, so that he and my brother and my parents had things to choose from for two gifting occasions within a week, and then I generally ended up on a buying spree in January of all the stuff I had intended to buy over the last month that nobody got for me :P

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Partner refused to get me a vacuum for Christmas. Somehow the set of nice knives for him is fine, a Lodge cast iron skillet also five, but the vacuum cleaner is a step too far.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I got a new set of nice pots and pans the same year he wouldn’t get me the Dustbuster!
              Me: “So cookware is ok, but the vacuum is not?”
              Him: “Don’t start.”
              Me: “I’m just trying to understand the logic.”
              Him: “SITCOMS.”
              And then I had to sit down for laughing.

              2. The OG Sleepless*

                My husband got a lot of flak from his coworkers the year he got me a set of Calphalon pans for Valentine’s Day. It was what I asked for and it’s one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever gotten!

          2. Double A*

            Haha one year I told my husband, “You absolutely could not choose to give this to me without asking, but I do really want a new apron this year.”

            He got me a Star Trek themed one so that was great.

          3. The OG Sleepless*

            I *want* a vacuum for Christmas! The handle on my vacuum broke, and I can still use it but it’s annoying. So I really want the Dyson stick vacuum. I forgot to mention it to my husband, and he might be a little afraid to get it for me.

          4. goddessoftransitory*

            I asked for a dustbuster years ago and Husband did panic about being a “male chauvinist pig!” I told him it doesn’t count when it’s a request!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I can’t believe I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment.

              I actually wanted a second Dustbuster for upstairs earlier this month, and I just ordered it without going through the “putting it on my list first” charade.

              Him: “Hey, you’re not supposed to be buying yourself stuff.”
              Me: “IT’S A VACUUM.”
              Him: “… Carry on.”

        2. Jenesis*

          Fortunately, my husband and I ended up on the same page in this regard. He dislikes both buying and receiving stuff that isn’t “practical.” I know I enjoy receiving “not practical” gifts, but the stuff that the household needs is the stuff that will actually get unboxed and put to use immediately, as opposed to still sitting on the shelf a year after.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I am 100% like your husband, because I hate surprises (books especially, ha!), and I have almost zero imagination in picking out gifts for others, so please, for the love of gods, tell me what you want.

      3. carcinization*

        I always tell people that I unfortunately won’t read books that other people pick out for me, even including my husband, who has known me very well for decades at this point. I wish I was different!

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Well, I wish my husband was more like your partner. He really wants to get me surprise gifts, but they ALWAYS miss the mark significantly. And he’s terribly hurt when that happens. I have never been good at keeping things I don’t like, especially when he’s spent a chunk of money on it. He finally is to the point that we’ll go and pick something out together, but it took many years and a lot of frustration.

    8. PhyllisB*

      There’s part of this with my husband. I have made a list for him and told him this was just to give him some ideas and I don’t expect EVERYTHING on it, but he would still get everything on it. Sigh. None of it was super expensive but still…one year I told him I would like some cheap Christmas earrings for my stocking. He got me SEVEN pairs of similar looking earrings. There’s a couple of pairs I haven’t even worn yet. The odd thing is, when we were younger he was an amazing gift giver, but now that we’ve gotten older he’s just given up.

    9. Qwerty*

      I try to prioritize the recipient’s style because you want someone to like their gift, however that isn’t actually the problem you describe.

      Surprises are hard and completely miserable if you don’t enjoy them. This is not a style difference – pushing for a surprise is a push for him to do extra work to show that he knows and loves you. For someone who enjoys surprising people, that extra work is part of the fun. There’s also the added stress of potentially getting someone something they don’t like or leaving them disappointed – you think that you’ll be delighted if he gave you any random book, but that isn’t guaranteed. Most surprise oriented people I know tend to be disappointed in reality if it isn’t perfect – either it wasn’t enough of a surprise, or it made them feel like the giver didn’t really know them, etc.

      My suggestion is to think about what you really want and why it needs to be a surprise. Find ways to work that into lower-stress situations. Working off the book example – what if you two took a trip to the book store or library, browsed separately, then showed each other a book that you found interesting? (no purchase required) Something with a fun title or silly cover that you wanted to share a smile over. Looking for spontaneity? Start small – “darling, pick where you want to go for dinner and don’t tell me until we get there” then go off to get ready while he figures it out – and be geniunely happy that it is one of your usual options. Or give him three options to pick from if he needs a narrower field / worries that it is a test.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Maybe I explained myself badly (I hoped “low-stakes” might cover it), I’m not complaining – more curious about the dynamics at play than anything else :)

        What Clisby said above is what I want. I have a wishlist of books, records and small kitchen stuff, and keep saying that anything from there is fair game (not a random choice, not fancy or expensive, and I won’t know what it’s going to be until the end).

        I’m not a good “random” gift chooser myself, and don’t expect anyone to be. If the roles were reversed, I’d say “great, let me check out your list, no spoilers!”, and breathe a big sigh of relief. So it makes me curious that instead of going for the easy option, his default is getting me to name something that is both more expensive and more complex to choose.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I have an Amazon wishlist full of easily purchased and fiscally reasonable books–and I have to listen to my sister and niblings bitch about “all those weird Japanese books” –they’re just novels! You’d think I was trying to score a Necronomicon.

    10. Person from the Resume*

      I will note that a book I’m not expecting is unlikely to be a win for me. I know exactly what I want to read next and now I’ve become a total library person.

      Me and my family were always make a list and buy from the list type people. When we all bought each other gifts we would coordinate among each other to say, I just bought A gift X to avoid duplication.

      I am just a person who knows what I want but also generally doesn’t want more stuff.

      If I were your spouse I might try to gift you the way you want, but honestly shopping that way can be stressful.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        “I am just a person who knows what I want but also generally doesn’t want more stuff.” – I’m very much like that.

        So I take everyone’s point that shopping for a surprise enjoyer can be stressful (and maybe I feel a little wrong now about getting him the book, even though it’s from his wishlist). But I also see that I made myself look more high-maintenance than I really am, in an attempt to keep it brief. My concept of “surprise” is as simple as picking from a list he has access to all year. I don’t get to know when he’s buying my Christmas present, all the research on colours and sizes and whatnot is done in advance. I just get to see a wrapped something around the house and wonder what’s in it until the end. That’s what made me wonder how others balance their giving preferences vs. the recipient’s: if there’s a straightforward solution, why not just go for it?

        My theory on why he approaches this the way he does assumes good intentions, so I can’t stress enough that this is curiosity about others’ dynamics rather than need to fix something :)

        1. Sloanicota*

          Don’t worry, all advice column types have to deal with the fact that commenters leap immediately to “DTMF” for every minor gripe haha. We believe you that your husband is lovely :D

    11. Madame Arcati*

      I think a gift for someone should be something they like even if you don’t understand or like it. After all, it’s for them, not for you.
      I’ll never forget a family member going against this – shopping with me for a gift for me (“when we see something nice I’ll get it for you”). For background, this family member likes, say, books. I saw a lovely framed print that would be perfect for a wall in my house and was in budget, so I said could I have this please. They did indeed buy it but there were a few whines of, but I wanted to buy you a book… Imho a gift for someone shouldn’t be about what you want to buy or your style, that’s just selfish and not in the spirit of gifting (caveat – if you have a moral or ethical problem with something they want or would harm them – I would never get duty free cigarettes for a smoker friend no matter what – then fine but find something they still like that you are cool with)

  24. BellaStella*

    Happy Solstice y’all. I am so glad to be off for the next 2 weeks. Wanted to ask you: when you have to drive in the snow do you carry carpet pieces (put under tire front edges to gain traction) or cat litter (same for traction) in the trunk and a small shovel in case you get stuck? I grew up in snow with this habit and now do this here as we get a fair amount of snow. But people I know think it is odd and would just call a tow truck haha.

    1. Becky s.*

      Carpet pieces and kitty litter are far less expensive than a tow. I usually carry those items and you just reminded me to put them back in my car.! :)

    2. Morning Reader*

      Yes. Reminder to winterize, thank you! Turns out my snow brush was still in the car from last winter, proving procrastination can work.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Well, where else would you keep a snow brush?

        I am in the kitty litter camp, myself. If, God willing, you don’t need to use it, it can always go in the actual litter box later. Besides, it adds weight over the rear wheels, which improves my odds of not fishtailing.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Any other winterizing tips for cars? I am in a fairly suburban area of the midwest, not out in the boonies, but it’s been a hot minute since I had to do much winter driving and that will be changing.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        If you park outside, keep a snow brush in the house. Then you don’t need to mitten your way through the foot of snow encasing the car, trying to clear enough to open the door to retrieve the tool designed for this job.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I park in the garage, but my husband kept stealing my snow brush to go brush off his car in the driveway for that exact reason, and then he’d throw my brush in his car instead of putting it back in mine until I went looking for it or bought a new one. I’m pretty sure we’re probably up to a half dozen spares in the garage now, plus I keep the one actually in my car hidden under the seat where he doesn’t think to look for it. :P

      2. BellaStella*

        Check your car’s fluid levels, get new wipers, check lights work well, and have the right kind of tires too. I always keep a blanket in the car and jacket, too. The cat litter I have in the car is sand type. Also check the condition and the pressure in your spare tire too.

      3. Anono-me*

        -Get your tire pressure checked on all your tires (cold air can reduce air pressure. ). Check the air in the spare also.
        -Make sure you can retrieve your spare tires easily ( The bolts on undercarriage spares can rust in place.)
        -Have a winter survival car kit that includes extra long jumper cables.
        -Keep a designated push broom by the door for cleaning snow off the car. Push brooms are better for cleaning off the entire car quickly. ( For non snow area people, snow on the hood can blow up onto the windshield when driving or slide off the roof when stopping.) Do not use the car broom for floors as grit can embed in the straws of the broom and scratch your paint.
        -Keep a good snow scrapper and a $1 sacrifice scrapper in your car. People will ask to borrow your good scrapper when you are cleaning your windows. Give them the $1 scrapper, because it is too cold to hang out in a parking lot hoping someone gives you back your scraper.

        1. Anono-me*

          I forgot to answer the question. I keep a big shaker jug with a mix of grit and winter salt in the car.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Live in New England, and carry traction mats and a small shovel in the car in winter. Though after a couple of bad experiences (back when my health was much stronger) with having to actually use them because the unshoveled parking area had a couple of inches in some spots and eighteen in others and you couldn’t tell by looking, they mostly act as magical deterrents that indicate to any snow banks that they Would Not Dare.

        1. BellaStella*

          Normally we need to change tires by 1 Nov here, too to winter tires, and in summer usually by 1 May. But this year has been a difficult one and it got away from me until now.

    6. Frieda*

      I’ve never heard of carpet pieces! I don’t use kitty litter because the formulas are mostly clay now and IME you end up with a gross mess rather than additional traction. I have used sand to try to get my Prius out of its street parking spot after a lot of ice and snow accumulated around it.

      Similarly, I really only get stuck in my own parking spot on my own street, since I’m either driving well-plowed streets or not at all, so I have a shovel right there. But it makes sense to keep one in the back.

    8. fhqwhgads*

      Shovel and sand in the trunk, totes. Never heard of the carpet trick, but don’t live in a snowy place anymore.

    9. The OG Sleepless*

      Well, in Atlanta we handle that by looking outside and going OMG NOPE NOT GOING OUT IN THAT, but seriously, when I do have to drive in snow I carry cat litter with me.

    10. RLC*

      The people who think you are odd would be appalled if they saw our “winter car kits”: full size garden spade (short handle), extendable snow broom, tire chains, waterproof mat to lay on whilst installing chains, insulated waterproof gloves, and overshoes. We live in the northern Rocky Mountains of the US; I grew up in the Sierra Nevada mountains (US) and husband lived in the UP of Michigan (and Newfoundland, Canada before that). Big snow = looooong wait for tow truck, no thanks.

      1. Anono-me*

        When we were collecting some Christmas gifts in nearish big city, the curbside pick up guy asked if sweetie and I were preppers based on the winter survival kit. We explained that we often drove in rural area. Turns out he was from big city down south and this was his fiert cold weather winter. (I think we made him rethink his move.)

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Hee hee, this sounds like Bridget and Mary Jo on their latest riff of a 1994 proto-Hallmark Christmas TV movie where being trapped by a snowstorm is pivotal to the plot. Mary Jo; “This ‘snowstorm’ wouldn’t halt a nursing home field trip in Minnesota!” Bridget: “Where are their spare blankets and the kitty litter and the board for bracing???”

  25. LGP*

    I hope this is ok to post: I’m not looking for medical advice, but I’d like to hear people’s experiences with getting a diagnosis after a long time of unexplained symptoms. I have chronic issues that my doctors haven’t been able to diagnose, which makes me think it’s either something rare OR it’s pretty common but my condition doesn’t manifest in the typical way. Has anyone been in a similar situation and finally got a diagnosis? And if so, did it end up being something you had suspected or was it something totally different? Thanks for anything you can share!

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I can’t answer your question as such, but I did get a book from the library last week called “What the hell is wrong with me” – How to recover from pain, fatigue, weakness and other undiagnosed symptoms. By Dr Gillian Deakin. It’s about functional conditions which are unexplained by testing, but which are still impactful. Looks interesting!

    2. BadNews*

      I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve not had nor seen anyone else have any success with this. In fact, what tends to happen is one doctor says it could be X and the specialist in X says it must be Y and the specialist in Y says it must be X and they just go back and forth forever. I’ve had this happen multiple times. One such case has been going on for more than 40 years through multiple sets of specialists in each area. And this goes into overdrive if you have more than one issue as most doctors don’t do well with considering the effects of known issue K when considering if you have issue J, and that’s exacerbated if you have 3, 5, 10, etc. known issues.

      It’s also exacerbated by the current 15-20-30 minute appointment lengths and often religious enforcement. When I was a kid doctors often ran behind, but once you got in you were seen for as long as it took. I had some appointments that lasted 2-3 hours (with the doctor going in and out as techs/ nurses/etc did things in between). These days I’m told we can only address my single most pressing issue and I get kicked out at a set time no matter what. That level of interaction is not conducive to figuring out new issues, and there are several doctors offices where I get cut off before I can even tell folks the full answer to what they’re asking – for example, I’ll tell them I have four symptoms related to the question they asked, outline the first one, then they insist on moving on before I can tell them anything about the other three (even what they are).

      The modern medical environment is not well designed for diagnosing anything even slightly complex or for treating complex patients.

      Good luck.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have a condition that was initially diagnosed as something so rare it’s only been recorded in 50 people in literature. My doctor told me he hadn’t heard of it since it was one of the tougher questions on his boards. The difficulty with a diagnosis like that is that there is no treatment protocol, so a lot of getting relief from symptoms involved throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what stuck (based on my doctor’s experience with another condition that affects the same part of the body). I got lucky– the “stuff at the wall” did stick, is available over the counter, and has been a huge help.

      However, subsequent biopsies disagreed with the first one. So it’s still a mystery. Sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I have trouble. I’ve identified substances that trigger the issues and I avoid them, but it’s a crapshoot as to whether those substances will cause a flare-up or not. I could do some more investigation– my doctor is convinced it’s a localized autoimmune condition– but I just haven’t spent the time finding an immunologist who will take me on. So I keep doing what I’ve been doing and that’s ok.

      For what it’s worth– and I’m not a doctor– I think my condition is substantially underdiagnosed. I think many more people deal with this and it’s misdiagnosed as something much more common, so people ultimately don’t get the relief they need. I got extraordinarily lucky– I was supposed to see one doctor for my initial diagnostic procedure and a schedule change meant I instead saw the head of the practice, a very experienced physician who has seen a ton of strange things in his career. I’m sure the other guy would have been fine, but he might have been much more stumped.

      Anyway, stuff like this is really really frustrating and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it! A diagnosis means treatment and plans. I’m fortunate that my condition doesn’t really impact my quality of life (I mean, it does, but… I ignore it when it does). In my case, I think if I finally got a diagnosis I would just end up doing the same things I do now, I would just have more concrete knowledge of what to avoid.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      If you would be interested in the opposite outcome:

      I’ve had muscle problems for just over a decade, and after many tests concluded that my hope of “You have Smith Syndrome, which is well understood, and there’s a treatment that has no side effects and is fully covered by insurance” wasn’t even going to get over the first part of that, much less the second and third which is what I actually wanted from the diagnosis. The first neurologist had suggested one supplement than immediately made a 50% difference, and when I drew a hard line at not trying any more drugs with the second neurologist I asked for a referral for PT, which I took to a large practice associated with the hospital which had folks with much more specialized training than the local spot you go for a sprained knee. I also found some types of body work to be helpful. (I went to specific people recommended after I got cancer, who were used to dealing with cancer patients with systems of the body pretty battered and no longer working well together.)

      So for me, it helped to stop looking for a diagnosis and instead focus on determining what actions helped, even if I didn’t understand why. (I am a science writer, and would LOVE a “why.” I just eventually was exhausted with that path and determined to try a different approach.)

      1. Zweisatz*

        Yeah one could say I took a similar path. After hitting my head repeatedly trying to get a diagnosis I found it less stressful to research and test things on my own than being dismissed another 10 times. And I did find some people who were at least familiar with part of what I needed and could offer a puzzle piece here and there for my recovery.

    5. Reba*

      I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis about 12 years after onset. So I should have been diagnosed with the juvenile version, but the symptoms presented in unusual ways — isolated joints, flaring one at a time, instead of symmetrical or all over flares. I saw foot specialists, sports medicine doctors, and one of the top hand specialists in the country, and had pointless procedures to drain swelling etc. As a youth I had kind of made up explanations or injuries that I thought could explain what was happening (although I knew they weren’t really the cause of my painful joints). “Oh I must have jammed my finger playing frisbee, that’s why it’s swollen for six months” :/

      It was finally a podiatrist I saw in my early 20s who referred me to a rheumatologist who tested for the disease indicators. I still bless that podiatrist!The first couple rheumatologists I saw explained the differences between the “classical” presentation and my expression of the disease. And showed me to their medical students.
      I had no expectation of this at all. One of my grandparents had a different autoimmune disease, but I didn’t know that this is common, they run in families but not necessarily the same illness.

      I now have some permanent but thankfully minor damage to a few bones. And I’m fortunate that my symptoms are really well controlled with the old, inexpensive drugs.

    6. MMB*

      Yes. It took 10 years, thousands of dollars, and multiple doctors before I found one who really listened to me and was willing to try to find a solution. Apparently, “the normal range” for certain things isn’t what’s “normal/right” for me. Even now, almost 8 years later I want to cry when I think about how awful I felt and how long I had to suffer. The idea of moving and getting a new Dr terrifies me. To make matters worse, it wasn’t a rare disease or difficult to treat and the solution was extremely simple, just not well known or accepted in mainstream medicine.

    7. Decidedly Me*

      I went to a naturopath that looked at my health holistically, spent more than your average 20min doctor appt time with me, and actually listened to all my concerns. Absolutely life changing.

      1. A reader among many*

        We need a system in which reality-based doctors are free to devote time to their patients, get to know them, and listen to their concerns in detail. Unfortunately, we don’t have anything like that, so people’s needs are broadly left unmet and they turn to practitioners like naturopaths, who are often much freer to take that time! Being outside the insurance system and selling nostrums from which they take direct profit gives them that freedom while creating other risks.

        But what’s unique to naturopathy isn’t true, and naturopathic training and textbooks are chock-full of bunk. If naturopaths are advising anything beyond lifestyle or dietary changes, they’re practicing beyond their legitimate training, and there’s nonsense about food sensitivities and widespread misuse of medical testing that people should watch out for even in that less-hazardous realm of practice.

        I hope this doesn’t come across as unkind or aggressive. Particularly with R.F.K., Jr. on the rise, I think it’s important not to let asides like this pass unchallenged, well-intentioned though it obviously is–and I am glad you’ve found something that works for you! There’s truly nothing worse than having a problem that stops you from living your life and being unable to find answers or even a listening ear. But quackery is making a push for the mainstream, and the US system of real healthcare is broken enough that it might fit in through the cracks.

        One starting point:
        https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/naturopathy-textbook/

    8. Minusanon*

      I don’t know that this will be helpful, but I had unexplained symptoms for over a year as they progressively ruled out neurological and cardiovascular causes. They hospitalized me overnight for tests. None of the tests showed anything wrong, but they noticed a pattern in from the routine observation and bloodwork every few hours that led them to settle on a diagnosis. They’d actually tested for the typical cause of that diagnosis early on and ruled it out. The diagnosis is in some ways very much of the “describes what’s happening but not why” variety, but it did mean that we figured out how to manage my symptoms with a pretty strict dietary regime.

      Years later, aging and possibly going through the flood of pregnancy hormones, has meant that I appear to no longer to adhere to the dietary regime nearly as strictly, which is nice.

    9. sulky-anne*

      This happened to me and I feel very lucky to have gotten a diagnosis in the end. My condition is both very rare and I do not fit the typical profile of someone who has it. Even the specialists who performed the (definitive) test to see if I had the condition were skeptical until I received a positive result.

      In my case, I was very fortunate that some unexpected specialists (a physiotherapist and a muscle injection therapist) took my symptoms much more seriously than my family doctor, who told me flat out that I did not have this condition. They had to force the issue by ordering a bunch of tests when my family doctor wouldn’t. It was a long and stressful process but I was able to get a diagnosis and treatment in the end.

    10. My Brain is Exploding*

      A cousin had been having trouble and was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Had a significant (something, I don’t remember what) and was at the hospital and was diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I’ve written about this before, but here goes again. For many years I suffered from a number of gastroenterological problems (gas, bloating, cramps, alternating diarrhea and constipation, TMI, I know). Originally I was diagnosed as having a spastic colon and then later as having irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) supposedly triggered by stress. I was told that to get counseling (which I did, and which may have helped a bit). I took a lot sick days at work and it did not reflect well on me. It got so bad that I started limiting what I ate in order to avoid the cramps and diarrhea. I lost a lot of weight and people thought I was anorexic. Things improved some when I quit smoking, but the IBS was an ongoing problem for many years.

      Then, after also suffering from hay fever, I decided to undergo allergy desensitization shots to deal with that issue. My doctor ran tests to identify the specific allergens that would trigger my symptoms so he could tailor the shots to counter the triggers. As part of the tests I discovered that, in addition to a number of environmental allergens and pollens, I suffered from a lot of food allergies. Many of the food allergens were commonly found in fast food, frozen foods and highly processed foods (the kinds of easy-to-fix meals that I would eat when I was stressed or tired from work and didn’t want to spend a lot of time preparing food).

      To say that it was an enormous “DUH” moment is an understatement, but I really didn’t have a clue. It just never occurred to me. And apparently it didn’t occur to the doctors I visited with about my symptoms. Life is a lot easier now that I know what foods to avoid. Still, for a long time I really believed that I was sort of crazy and didn’t deal with stress very well, and that really wasn’t the case. The doctors I saw when I was having problems let me down and they were as clueless as I was.

      1. FoodAllergies*

        My last allergist has decided it’s not possible to be allergic to any of the foods I’ve been allergic to all of my life. Since those are allergies handled by avoidance and that I understand, I reluctantly kept seeing him to try to sort out the allergies that were actively not being treated and need to be (all of the hospitals around here have
        policies that you can’t switch doctors within a clinic unless your current doctor wants you to do so or leaves so it’s not a simple thing to change providers). He left about two years ago and I’m still trying to get scheduled with a new allergist, but whenever they finally sort it out I hope I get a better fit.

        BTW, my story is almost the reverse of yours – my food allergies masked a serious health issue until it got so severe my entire body shut down, I almost died, I needed emergency surgery, and I spent nearly two weeks in the hospital. My surgeon – who was fantastic – couldn’t believe I had no idea I was sick, but I just thought I’d accidentally eaten one of my allergens that causes GI issues (which does happen every so often; it’s a common item that isn’t one of the most common food allergens so many people don’t take it as seriously as, say, a peanut or shellfish allergy).

        Anyway, glad you got the diagnosis, but unless you know you accidentally consumed one of your allergens you may still wish to seek medical help for allergy-like symptoms. PSA over :)

        1. Zweisatz*

          My colleague had a similar issue to you (a differen thealth issue being masked I mean). He thought he was allergic to milk protein, but it turns out his pancreas was rapidly losing function which was the reason he could tolerate barely any fat in food (including the milk products he tended to eat).

    12. WS*

      Yes, it first turned out to be a cancer that was treatable, but very rare in my age group. That got treated and then after that I kept having problems, and it turned out that the initial problem that led to cancer was an autoimmune condition. After which I developed two more autoimmune conditions. They’re not unrelated – people with my first condition have about a 30% chance of developing the second, people with my second condition have a small chance of developing the third. Two other people in my immediate family have different autoimmune conditions. But of course they all affect different body systems, so I now have three different specialists to co-ordinate.

    13. Zweisatz*

      Didn’t get a diagnosis (except for it’s not this, it’s not that so one of those great alleged “functional” issues), however was fortunately still able to improve by reading a lot of reputablr stuff (published studies e.g.) and going to medical professionals that were more helpful than the doctors I’ve seen (in my case accredited nutritionists that were specializing in conditions that sounded about right).

    14. Anon. Scientist*

      A coworker and I were going through similar mystery chronic fatigue issues at the same time. I did a bunch of fieldwork/traveling and at one point we were both going to a site 4 hours away and we did this whole, I’ll drive until I physically can’t and then you drive” which was ridiculous.

      His was diagnosed to be kidney related and he got it under control and got better.

      My primary care doctor made a good faith effort but mine was episodic and other than some weird carbon dioxide readings my bloodwork was normal to good. I just had no strength and was sleeping 16 hours a day -exhaustion. It also came with major depressive episodes and coworker kept encouraging me to persist in diagnosis but I didn’t have the stuffing to pursue it when I was in the thick of it.
      I self diagnosed as some weird post-viral syndrome (this all started after a bad case of the flu). It was going from “rare episodic” to every month or so that I was totally disabled. Then I got covid and it apparently reset something in my immune system and I haven’t had the issue since. Yay?

    15. LGP*

      Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! I don’t have the energy right now to reply to everything, but I appreciate reading all the different perspectives and experiences. Although I am sorry that so many of us are/have been in the same undiagnosed boat. :(

    16. AnonForThisOne*

      TL/DR: I suffered for years as a teen and never was accurately diagnosed until it was almost too late.

      Long version:
      From age 12 to 16 I experienced episodic pain centered at my solar plexus, of fairly brief duration but severe intensity. It would happen with no warning, out of nowhere. My mom took me to many doctors over those years. Some did some tests but had no findings, some (my pediatrician) were 100% certain it was “just” a hernia and sent me home, some just shook their heads knowingly and said some variation of “Oh these teenage girls. SO much drama. Have you taken her to see a psychiatrist yet?” My mom always very firmly stated that I was IN PAIN, and that I needed *medical* care.
      The pain got more frequent, and really derailed my teen years.

      Then over the course of about a week, the 20 minute episodes of pain started lasting longer and longer, until finally it was 24 hours a day. Back in an ER again one night, after about the second full day of this, the doc was saying to maybe follow up with my PCP next week? when I walked over and vomited in the sink. I was zero affect at that point. The doc was like, “Wait, what? But you don’t act like you’re in pain! You’re not crying or anything!”
      I very quietly explained the importance of not crying, and not moving, and not speaking, because all those just made the pain worse.

      He admitted me to the hospital.
      My gall bladder was gangrenous by then. I had a large handful of sizable gallstones.
      One of the medical people told me I wouldn’t have lived another three days if my Mom had just taken me home that night.

      The lessons here are not great! My parents were healthy, energetic, solidly middle class, college educated white people, with decent health insurance through their jobs. My mom believed me, and advocated for me to the very best of her ability. None of that was enough to get me the medical help I needed.
      I think a lot about how lucky I was. What if my parents didn’t speak English? What if they’d had chronic illnesses? What if they didn’t have a car, or jobs, or health insurance? What if my mom had been as sexist as my dad? What if we were Black? What if I had been a foster child? Basically, I was incredibly lucky, but all of this is so wrong. Health care should not be influenced by these things. And also, I did end up alive but the entire experience was still quite bad.

      Advice? Don’t give up? Don’t be atypical? If you ARE a zebra, you’ll never get identified because apparently shaming med students out of considering all the options is… better?
      Don’t wait for the medical system to hand you a diagnosis?
      I mean, great if that happens! But also keep researching on your own with all the amazing tools we now have access to via the internet. (And then learn all the soft skills needed to give medical people info without totally alienating them. lol.) You+1000 hours of research might actually be significant when balanced against a medical doctor whose appointments are rationed out into 15 minute appointments.
      Good luck!

  26. Dog momma*

    Agatha Frost , Peridale Cafe cozy mysteries. I’m up to #31 & so far there are 33

    Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plum series. I’m starting#30.
    Not a lot of blood and gore in either, , pretty clean otherwise..a nice change..moves along at a good clip, & surprise endings. The only 2 series I binge.

  27. Greenwannabe*

    I have a poor track record with gardening. I’m basically a prolific serial killer of plants except weeds, which thrive in my garden.

    Is there any instagram page or YouTuber that offers simple gardening tips for me to start learning? I hope to one day have a small vegetable patch that I don’t neglect and kill like all others before it. And maybe give a second life for my sad indoor plants.

    1. Clisby*

      At least for outdoor gardening, university extension services are an invaluable source of information.

      After years of killing indoor plants, I decided to focus on orchids and pothos, which are almost unkillable if you have a sunny window to put them in.

      This year I branched out into bog plants (1 Venus Flytrap and one pitcher plant) which pretty much thrive on neglect here. They’re native to this area, so take almost no care except for needing the occasional watering if it hasn’t rained in a long time. No fertilizer needed since they get their nutrients from the bugs they eat. I would *love* to have a bog garden in my backyard, but think I’d need professional help to jump-start it. Anyway, a friend here has flytraps, and says I can leave them outside unless it gets well below freezing, but on the odd occasion that we have a string of 20’s nights, it’s better to bring it in. If they survive and rejuvenate in the spring, I’ll probably get a little more ambitious.

      1. Overbooked*

        Seconding the university extension service suggestion. Free, thorough, and specific to your area, and no question is too basic. (Example: Q. Our acorn squash has turned dark green; how do we know if it’s ready to eat? A. Look underneath at the part that touches the ground. Pale? Unripe. Orange? It’s ripe.)

    2. WellRed*

      If the issue is neglect, YouTube isn’t going to help unless you just need motivation. Could you start with one or two hardy plants that can be grown in planters and see if you have better luck at caring for them? It’s called container gardening.

    3. Kay*

      Your local nursery might be a good resource! Over the years I’ve paid to have one of their experts come out (for trees), been able to describe an area and have them recommend what to plant, send photos/talk on the phone about problems and they walk me through solutions, etc. With the garden it is often trial and error for me – some things I just can’t do, even though they are supposed to thrive here and others I have bumper crops for no apparent reason.

    4. WestSideStory*

      Check out the Burpee Seeds website (burpee.com). They have video tutorials that might suit you. I also suggest to beginning gardeners to get a copy of their print catalog (you might have to hunt around the site to find the right page to sign up) because this full-color seed and plant catalog, which is shipped in January, includes how to grow everything they sell. When I was starting in gardening, decades ago, the catalog was like an encyclopedia to me – the online videos are similarly detailed.

      On the other hand – Do you have patience for reading a book? If so, you might ask at your local library, garden center, or cooperative extension for a recommendation for a beginning gardening book. One that can be a resource for your ongoing questions.

      One thing that is true about gardening is that the advice will vary depending on where you live – if you don’t have sunny windows the choices for successful indoor plants can be slim, and if you live in a particular region you can find regional gardening books about growing plants that are adapted to your soil/sun/water conditions.

      For example, if you are on US West Coast there is the “Sunset” series of large-format paperbacks (found in any garden center), if you are in New York City, Linda Yang’s “City and Town Gardener is perfect.” Rocky Mountains? Anything by Lauren Springer. You get the idea.

    5. AnonAnon*

      Not online, but have you checked out your local garden club? The one in my town has all sorts of free programs open to the public on everything from flower arranging using sustainable practices to seed starting to garden design and everything in between. Plus you get to meet a lot of gardeners and ask them questions. ;)

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Usually when a plant isn’t doing well for me it’s in the wrong soil, which is something they never tell you on labels like they do with water and light levels. Now I look up all new plants on the RHS website so I know it’s requirements, and I also plant in pots when I’m getting to know a new type of plant; you can provide the exact right type of soil and move it around if it seems unhappy. Failures are still to be expected. I think the trick is to start small and give yourself a leg up on the things that don’t come naturally. So you say the veg plot is neglected, which implies you know what you’re not doing; if it’s watering look into self watering systems, if it’s food, look at slow release food. Keeping the plants in your line of sight somewhere you’re going to have to pay regular attention can also work, like put some herbs and spinach on your kitchen windowsill if the light is good enough. Stick to low maintenance plants, there are plenty of great ones! Remember that plants only need three things; food, water and light, but because they need it in such varying amounts it can feel like they need magic unless you’ve researched them. I have a plant app that can identify plants with my camera if I’ve forgotten what I’ve sown, but can also identify problems like pests and something I’ve neglected to do, which cuts out a lot of guesswork.

  28. Evvy*

    Does anyone have experience/advice with dyeing their hair bright (fashion) colors? Two of my friends and I are doing a New Years pact to finally make the leap and try dyeing our hair a fun color. None of us have ever done it before, and last night browsing salons in my area I realized most of the terminology is super unfamiliar to me and I don’t know what kind of appointment to book! I want just highlights/streaks (not a full head) of something like blue or purple, my hair is black and currently cut above the ear. Any advice would be extremely welcome :’)

    1. acmx*

      I got a half head foil + gloss. the stylist described it like sunlight hitting your hair. I have curly hair so I asked my stylist for a recommendation (she doesn’t do fashion colors) and the stylist I picked provided a free consultation. Also, I have never dyed my hair before so this is about all I know about the process lol

      I would say request or find products to help it last. My first dye faded quickly and I don’t wash my hair daily. I use a color depositing shampoo sometimes.

    2. jjax07*

      I’m not sure exactly what advice you’re looking for, as going to a salon and telling the stylist what you said here would likely get you what you want. But I’ll note a few things from my own bright hair dying days.

      1. If your hair is black, you will need to have your streaks bleached first otherwise the dye won’t show. This can take a fair bit of time and will likely be the priciest part of the experience, though I can’t give you an idea of how much it would cost. Ask the salon you call for both a price and time estimate.

      2. If you can give the hair stylist a specific colour reference for what you want, that will help a lot – a photo or bringing something that is the colour you want. The stylist is likely going to mix the dye custom for you, so being as specific as possible would end up helping them get as close as they can to the outcome you’d like.

      3. Getting your hair bleached and dyed is a bit of a process. I always enjoyed it most when I brought a friend with me to the salon to chit chat during the waiting times. If not a friend, bring a good book or magazine or something to occupy yourself with.

      4. Blue-based dyes last the longest in hair, red-based dyes (pinks, purples, oranges, etc.) last the shortest. (At least, this has been the experience of all my bright-dying friends, but your hair may be different.) And when the dye has faded to the point you no longer like it, then you can choose your next step – redying it, dying it a different colour, etc.

      5. Hair maintenance when you have bright coloured hair is different cause washing your hair will cause the dye to fade. I always tried to wash my hair the least I could get away with – once a week or so max worked for me, with dry shampoo used in between. And when you do wash your hair, I would recommend using shampoo and conditioner meant specifically for bright coloured hair. You can ask your stylist about this too. I usually got three months out of a colour until it was so faded I wanted a change.

      Overall, I really enjoyed dying my hair fun colours!! It was a blast and it became a serious part of my visual identity for a long time. I no longer do it because my priorities around time and cost have shifted, but it’s such a wonderful, non-permanent way to try something new, mix it up, and have some fun!

      1. Evvy*

        Haha yes, I’m realizing this is much more of a “call and consult with the stylist beforehand” situation than I thought! I was hoping I would be able to identify a specific type of procedure and estimated cost and just book it in one, but I probably will end up contacting the salon first based on what yall said here. Thank you for all the advice this is really helpful!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve done it at home since 2010, and actually need to freshen up before year’s end. My hair is (natural) red and won’t take color without having first been bleached, so every couple of years I go to a professional for bleaching from the shoulders down, and then that’s the part I color. I always do three colors at a time, divided like I was going to braid it. Purple is pretty consistent (because the purple I use lasts a long time and fades prettily), I do a lot of teal/green/blue with it. (The now-VP of my division at work spent the longest time referring to me as “the one with the peacock hair,” which has always entertained me. She also thinks I’m generally amazing, not just my hair :) ) Sometimes I do a chunk of bright red or orange though for a change.

      I’ve always done shoulders-down partly because when I first started, I worked in a hospital where unnatural colors weren’t permitted under the dress code and this way if I put it in a bun it’s not really noticeable, but also because this way I don’t have to worry about roots and it’s far lower maintenance, heh. :) (Dress code has been updated to allow colors, but I still like it this way.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Thank you! I started doing it because my ex told me I wasn’t allowed to, so as soon as we separated, I did it and at this point I just haven’t stopped. (Weirdly, different ex, that’s also why my navel is pierced. Luckily my current husband doesn’t feel that he has any business allowing or not allowing me to do anything.)

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Thanks for the prompt this weekend. I am now sitting in my living room with three plastic-wrapped wads of gooped hair stuffed into a bonnet. :)

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My hair is fuschia with a streak of purple. I have a stylist do it. My natural color is a reddish brown, now with a fair amount of gray, and she has to lift (bleach) it for the fuschia and purple. I wouldn’t try it on my own….

    5. Reba*

      Booking an appointment for highlights/lowloghts would probably be appropriate, but I’d suggest calling the salon and explaining what you want, so they make sure to book you enough time.

      I had a streak for a while, but gave up on maintaining it. I had the stylist lift my hair color only a few shades, rather than all the way light, so that the color would be less bright/mix with my natural color a little. Since your hair is black assuming naturally, there will need to be a lot of bleaching first!

    6. Angstrom*

      We’ve done it at home a few times using the Arctic Fox colors. We’ve tried a solid color, multi-color(blue/green/purple) and highlights. Worked well, not difficult. You can invite your friends over and make a party of it. :-)

      1. Evvy*

        Ohhh, have heard good things about Arctic Fox! Maybe when I have more experience I can transition to doing it myself :’)

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Arctic Fox is what I use for my home color jobs – they’re excellent colors, last quite nicely, and they smell like bubble gum, not noxious chemicals. And after years and years of using it, salon folk still rave about how healthy my hair is.

    7. Generic Name*

      Yes, the bottom quarter of my hair was bright purple for a while. I have dark hair, so it was a “double process”. I’d tell the person at the salon what you are going for (be sure to mention you want a bright non-natural color) and they should be able to book you for the appropriate length of appointment. I also suggest booking with a stylist who specializes in color. Have fun! I loved my purple hair.

    8. Jenesis*

      I have black hair, dyed it with streaks of purple on a whim over my honeymoon. It did need to be bleached before dyeing, and even after the color fades, bleached hair will remain brittle and hard to comb until you get it cut off again. When I used the recommended type of hair product to keep the color in, washing my hair about once every 2-3 days, it lasted about a month before it started to noticeably fade.

      On the night after you get your hair done, do not sleep directly on your regular pillow – find a towel or something to use as a buffer. There is a good chance the dye will stain. Husband and I found out the hard way at our hotel.

    9. Person from the Resume*

      Get a consult with a stylist who specializes in hair coloring to discuss what you want and find out what kind of appointment you need.

      With dark hair to get the color to show you will need to bleach first. It’s a PITA. I do it every couple of years and keep it for about 6 months before I’m tired of all the upkeep.

      I keep colors bright, cold water to wash your hair and special color protection shampoo.

    10. Kay*

      Like others have mentioned – first you must find a salon/stylist that specializes in non natural colors or at least has lots of experience with them. If you don’t, you risk it being done completely incorrectly even if they are otherwise great color stylists. I’m talking full washing out within a few showers at best kind of thing.

      You will have to bleach your hair first. Tons of stylists/color manufacturers will say you don’t – you do.

      I haven’t seen this mentioned – be prepared for your hair to bleed like crazy! When you shower, when you sweat, if it rains – you must be prepared for that color to get everywhere. I suggest having a toner or oil based cleanser that you can use post shower as well as towels/linens you are okay with being destroyed post color. I loved my fashion colors but they are extremely high maintenance. I “showered” in either a shower cap if I wasn’t washing my hair, or I would only wet/wash my hair in an upside down position. I still remember fondly my smurf days – if only it were around Halloween…

      Enjoy your fun colors!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Huh. In 14 years of bright coloring, I’ve never had color bleed on anything, even when wet, past the first 1-3 washes.

          1. Kay*

            To be fair – the closer to the first wash the worse it is, but discounting how bad the first few washes can be is doing a disservice to someone trying to prepare themselves.

            I was lucky the first time I did it – I only had a few highlights done by someone who didn’t know what they were doing (so no bleaching prior) and the host of the place I was staying right after getting my hair done owned a cleaning company and wasn’t worried I had just provided them with lovely vibrant blue streaked towels (and the color was gone within a few showers). I changed how I traveled drastically after that. You would think the shower situation would have prepared me for the blue sweat I was oozing at the gym – at least I didn’t have to wonder why I was getting really weird looks. I still have the tank with blue droplet stains from that day.

            I just remember hearing lots of “oh this color says it doesn’t bleed” before getting it done and that was a rude awakening. The stylist I went to after, with experience, told me she has never encountered one that didn’t. Would have been nice to know up front to save me from some awkward experiences.

            Also OP, as mentioned, it is a lot of upkeep and damaging to your hair.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            It is definitely handy. :) I do have a specific towel that I always use immediately post-coloring though, for sure, and it is absolutely “decorated” with purple and green and blue splotches :) I usually get a little bit of color running in the shower water when I rinse on the first wash, and otherwise I don’t generally get anything unless I use a bright red dye, in which case it might run again on the second wash. But nothing more after that, as best I can recall, and whether in the shower or on my pillows and such.

    11. Sunflower*

      As others have said, you need to find someone who specializes in color like this. I would also highly suggest going on Instagram and checking out the stylists profile. They often show before and afters and you can get an idea of their style and capabilities and you won’t have any surprises when you get into the chair.

      1. RLC*

        This is exactly how I found my hairdresser, found her Instagram page with looks that were exactly what I had in mind. Scheduled a consultation first, where she suggested a strand test (I was going from single process medium brown all over color to platinum highlights). The strand test gave her the info she needed for timing the bleach when I returned for the highlights. No surprises!

    12. Angstrom*

      One unexpected outcome going from a natural neutral hair color to a bright fashion color was realizing that some of my normal clothing choices clashed with my new hair. It’s something to consider when choosing your new highlights — how are they going to look with the colors you like to wear?

    13. Dancing Otter*

      Keracolor color-depositing shampoo/conditioner helps immensely with the fading. There are probably other brands, but that’s the one I know.

      However, you need to be absolutely vigilant about cleaning all color off the tub/shower/tile *immediately*. It works even better at staining those. My former apartment management made me pay to replace the bathtub, because I couldn’t get all the turquoise off.

  29. sagewhiz*

    How to cook better Crack

    Christmas Crack, that is!

    Eons ago I clipped a newspaper recipe for Brickle (which I only learned this year from y’all is also known as Crack). Tried it, liked it, but the saltines? Meh. I wondered if I could make it better—as I do with nearly all recipes.d Which I did! And now it’s an annual “must have” for friends and family. So, here’s the improved version.

    Townhouse Pretzel FlipSides Original crackers*
    1 c. (2 sticks) butter
    1 c. dark brown sugar
    12 oz. chocolate chips
    2/3 c. dry roasted salted peanuts

    Line an 11×16-inch jellyroll pan with aluminum foil, allowing excess on all sides; press the foil into the pan (without tearing corners), then crimp the excess foil on the outside edges. Coat bottom, corners and sides liberally with cooking spray, preferably the “butter” version. Lay out a single layer of crackers, alternating directions (helps with cracking) and filling spaces with broken crackers. Set aside.

    In a food processer, chop the peanuts moderately fine, transfer to a small bowl, set aside.

    Heat the oven to 500 degrees F.

    Combine butter and sugar in a saucepan over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon until melted. Raise temp to medium and, stirring continuously, bring to a full boil for 3 minutes. Remove from heat, immediately pour over the crackers, spread as much as possible to cover them all. Bake for 5 minutes.

    Turn off oven, remove the pan and sprinkle the chocolate chips over all. Return to oven, with the door partially opened, until the chocolate is softened. Meanwhile, coat the backs of two large metal spoons with cooking spray (again, preferably the “butter” version). When the chocolate is soft, remove pan from oven; using the back of one of the spoons, spread the chocolate over all the crackers. Sprinkle the chopped peanuts over all, then, using the second sprayed spoon, lightly press the nuts into the chocolate. Refrigerate until completely chilled.

    When chilled, cover the entire pan with aluminum foil, again allowing excess, and crimp the overhang. Flip the pan over onto a flat surface, loosen the crimped foil and remove the jellyroll pan. Gently peel off the now-top layer of foil, then replace it and smack it overall with the side of a fist to break up the brickle. Carefully flip the foil “package” over again. Remove the top foil, and break brickle into smaller pieces. Store in airtight container such as a zipper plastic bag and refrigerate. Allow to come to room temperature for a few minutes before eating.

    Notes: Do NOT use a silicone spoon while stirring the butter/sugar mixture—it will melt during the boil (guess how I learned that). Do NOT use Nestle’s chocolate chips—they don’t melt well (if you have access to Costco, the Kirkland brand is excellent). Also, those inevitable crumbs of nuts & chocolate in the bag make a great topping for ice cream.

    * I’m sorry I can’t provide a specific cracker recommendation for those of you outside the US—I hope you can find a similar substitute.

    And a huge holiday shout-out to all of you who’ve led me to new recipes over the past couple of years. Thank you! Enjoy!

    2. ThatGirl*

      I think a good reason to not call it crack is because that’s kind of dismissive of real addiction and the racism behind crack vs cocaine. I’m not trying to be tone policey here; I still say it sometimes too. Just offering an explanation.

      1. the weeknd*

        Ugh, yes, I really bristle when I see “crack” recipes because of these same reasons. People really need to stop with this. Between the drug implications, the addiction issues, and the racial issues, it’s just highly problematic.

    4. NewToMe*

      I’ve never heard of brickle or crack (in the Northeast US, have also lived in the Mid-Atlantic, Midwest. and Southwest. It sounds interesting.

  30. RussianInTexas*

    The book review post reminded me of this book review I saw last week.
    The book is about Russian Revolution and the consequent civil war.
    4 start review.
    “Interesting read, but hard to follow due to the names of different Russians. “

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I love books by Sharon Kay Penman, and boy, you got to figure out which Henry or William we are reading about now.

    2. allathian*

      Ouch!

      I had a similar feeling reading The Silmarillion. In that, not only did one character use multiple names at different times and in different places, but the same names were reused by different characters. So confusing!

      1. Sloanicota*

        I admit, when I last read a Russian novel, I ran into that, as the nicknames and longer names for the same characters didn’t always connect for me.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I will say that my favorite translation of Anna Karenina is my favorite partly because it eliminates the patronyms. It’s not something that bothers me in real life or in films, but in books I do find it hard to keep everyone straight. For that matter, I couldn’t read any of the Game of Thrones books because the spelling of the names and that there were just so many of them threw me off– I couldn’t keep track.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Hah! Yes, that’s a Western thing for sure. I’m reading (and loving) Anna Karenina, and learned in the first 20 pages that there were going to be a LOT of characters to keep track of – many, many people, each with first/middle/patronymic/nickname used interchangeably. I doodle/cartoon a lot, so I went back to page one and from Stepan Arkadyich Oblonsky (Stiva) and onward, I have started drawing little people in a family tree/org chart each time one is introduced. It’s already made keeping everyone straight so much easier, so I can concentrate on the story. It will be a poster by the time I’m done. I plan to do it for all the Russian brick novels I have bought for 2025, and for other biggies like Les Mis and Kristin Lavransdatter. Russian names are fascinating – I am really enjoying learning more about them.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Wild! I just found the same. Who knew? But the ones I see online are just org charts with names. Mine are goofy little cartoon drawings of each character. Coloring in the dresses was almost as much fun as reading the book!

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      I was lost through most of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series because I just couldn’t retain either the characters’ names OR the place names.

  31. Falling Diphthong*

    In the spirit of the New Year, I am interested in anyone’s examples of “Wow, I never thought about it that way before” moments. Mine is a book, but also up for instances of classes, conversations with seatmates, etc. I am interested in the feeling of things you know shifting to allow in a whole new thing you didn’t know, or connections you had never made.

    At some point in the past, perhaps in Science News, I learned that the origins of writing lie with account keeping. Not recording beautiful stories, which is how I think many of us who love to read imagined it. Not even to record history for the king. It was “Margaret gave Steve 3 goats.”

    In Nexus, which I’m currently reading, the author divides information into things we remember as stories and things we remember as lists. Humans are really good at the first one and very limited at the second. Inventing writing let us keep effectively unlimited amounts of new lists, which meant we could pull together into much larger networks, without single humans needed to remember all the lists. I think I envisioned early writing as some merchant’s personal note taking system that gradually spread, and hadn’t thought of is as creating a body of knowledge that could exist in the world and go on to shape events even if all the people who initially knew Margaret gave Steve 3 goats had died. It’s been a real shift in thinking about how this technology was first used versus later adapted.

    1. allathian*

      Humans have been telling stories around the campfire for as long as we’ve been able to speak, so it doesn’t surprise me.

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Thank you for this! That is fascinating, and for me is perfect timing while I read Gilgamesh and dig into the origins of the written word from the very beginning. And Harari’s new book is in my pile to reach soon. I loved his other 2 books.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It’s an interesting read, often just in the way it frames things in what is often a compelling “Ah, I hadn’t looked at it that way before” way.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Yeah, that’s Harari to a t. You might get a kick out his earlier ones – Sapiens and Home Deus. From cavemen to smartphones, he’s got lots of fascinating things to say.

    3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      In a similar vain as your example, I think:
      Somewhere online – maybe a blog, maybe youtube – the writer/vlogger showed a picture of a room. In that picture was a desk with a desk lamp and some writing implements on top of it in front of a window, a bookcase full of books, a chair, some sort of coat rack with a jacket and scarf hanging from it, the walls were wallpapered, I think there was a rug. It looked cozy.
      The writer/vlogger asked the audience to name anything in that room that they would consider to be “technology”.
      Looking at the picture again, I thought “Well, the desk lamp could be considered technology, I guess. No phone, tablet, computer hidden somewhere, is there?”
      The answer that the author posed, though, was: Everything. Everything in that picture is technology. Be it the furniture, fabrics, books, the print within those books, the glass of the window, and even the room itself, or rather the house it is within.
      The thought blew my mind somewhat, and I’ve been appreciating all the forms of technology that surround me all day much more than before.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The history of textiles is fascinating, for being so clearly useful, yet not preserved well in most archaeology, and taking such a huge amount of time and community effort to produce something that is now cheap.

        One of the marks of the jump forward 40,000 years or so ago was figuring out how to make the sort of clothing that lets a naked ape move to Siberia. Like needles to sew together close fitting layers, rather than slinging a tanned antelope hide around yourself.

        1. I want fruit cake*

          I remember reading about some early piece of knitting, maybe 1000-1500 years old. It was part of a sock. It was pointed out that knitting had to have been around for awhile, because you don’t *start* with a sock.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s like when I read about chimps using technology to catch ants, and what they mean is that the chimp has figured out how to use a twig to catch more of them at a time. Any object turned to a use that was figured out by the user is technology.

      3. Jackalope*

        On a related note, I have a friend who was reading an article about some ancient technology (let’s say a throwing spear), and was super an ours about something the article said. “The difference between [spear A and spear B] isn’t a tech improvement; it’s just more user-friendly.” She pointed out that “more user-friendly” IS a tech improvement because that means more people can use it more easily and it’s therefore more widely available as an option. I’d never looked at it that way before but now I can’t forget her point.

      4. Double A*

        I’ve heard religion described as a technology, and as an atheist this really put its use in a new light for me. I’m not an anti-religion atheist, in fact I’ve always been somewhat drawn to religion, but thinking of it as a technology kind of explained that draw. It so instrumental in how humans organize complex societies. People who think it’s backwards or outdated usually don’t have a deep understanding of what religion has done and continues to do for human society. And like any technology, it can be used for both good and for ill

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      One of my favorite anecdotes was one I read about a woman who had her kitchen totally redone and updated with the most modern everything. She was showing it off to her grandmother, and the grandma asked her which innovation or feature she valued most. The woman thought a while and decided the new stove and oven were the most important to her.

      Grandma chuckled and said “Personally, I’d pick running water every time.”

      It’s hard to conceptualize how thoroughly things like electric appliances and refrigeration and, yes, running water/plumbing have revolutionized life in Western society, but most of those things are less than a century or so old, and having them widespread enough to be thought of as “requirements” much less than that. For instance, nowadays a microwave oven is seen as a requirement for a rental apartment or house. That still blows my mind.

      1. Clisby*

        Yeah, both my mother and my husband lived for awhile in homes with no indoor plumbing. My mother remembered when they had to buy ice for the icebox (no refrigeration.) I remember when, if the electricity went out, we had no water because the electricity powered the well pump.

      2. allathian*

        Plumbing is older, given that the Romans had it, but we lost the art for a couple thousand years, to the detriment of human health. (Plumbing comes from the Latin word for lead, plumbum.)

        In my area, a simple smartphone with a cheap data plan is considered essential to the point that you can get it on welfare. Pay as you go plans don’t even require a fixed address. It’s basically impossible to get a job without one.

    5. oh wow really anon for this one*

      I mused over this for a long time, but right now the only thing that comes to mind as an answer is wanting to make Hamburger Helper in my new place several years ago, as the first meal after my house burned down. I don’t even eat Hamburger Helper anymore (I guess they still make it), but it’s probably an example people recognize as something that’s supposed to be easy and low effort? But in that situation I realized it wasn’t easy or simple at all. The elevators weren’t fixed at the new place yet so I had to walk up at least 5 sets of stairs with what I needed to make the Hamburger Helper. Before my house burned down I’d just need whatever meat and the box of Hamburger Helper, as I already had all of the other stuff, but I lost it when my house burned down. But since I was replacing everything I needed milk since that recipe called for some milk in addition to water. Luckily the new place already came with a fridge! I needed a pan with a lid to cook the meat and pasta. I needed a big stirring spoon to stir the food. I usually set the stirring spoon on a paper towel while I cook so I needed those. I needed plates, I needed silverware and napkins. I needed seasonings in case I wanted to add a little extra pepper or something. I needed a cup or glass in order to drink whatever I was having with my meal, even if it was just water that came out of the dispenser that was part of the new fridge. I needed somewhere to sit down to eat (chair, couch, etc.) and either a table or TV tray or something. I needed containers to put leftovers in (and trash bags for the empty Hamburger Helper box and such). I needed….

    6. Fluffy*

      my mind flies to the book “the decipherment of linear b” by John Chadwick.
      I found it a very accessible book about the history of writing which blossomed into the contemplation you had. I first read it for a philosophy class 50 years ago. That I remember both the author and title is a testament to its power to provoke thought. My philosophy degree produced about 3 paradigm shifts a week but none so strong as this one.

    7. Double A*

      Not sure if this is what you had in mind, but somewhere I read a Tweet that was like, “Due to pregnancy, the average number of skeletons inside the human body is slightly above one.”

      Definitely I never thought about it that way and it also speaks to value of using the right type of average (mean vs. mode in this case).

  32. Prawo Jazdy*

    What’s the deal with people who have no memory of you whatsoever, after you’ve spent significant time with them?

    In one case – I had seen her around at many functions, been to her house a few times and even went on a 5-hour car ride with her once. Yet she had no idea who I was later on and stared in complete bewilderment as I reminded her.

    There was someone else in my extended circle who would routinely engage in hour-long venting sessions about her life whenever I spoke to her. But she would never have any memory of either me or our previous conversations (though always happy to start a new vent session anyway).

    I don’t know what to make of this? They appear to be functional individuals overall. Do they just disregard people who aren’t in their immediate family to keep things simple?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      From upthread I am going to recommend the book Do I Know You? by Sadie Dingfelder, which is a good dive into “Wait, everyone’s brain doesn’t work like mine?”

      It’s possible that it’s a case of extreme self-absorption. But their brain not retaining that information is more likely. (The opening anecdote of the book has the author teasing her husband about selecting something at the grocery store, only to realize that this person who is about her husband’s shape and even wearing the same color sweater is nevertheless a stranger who now thinks she’s weird. That’s the extreme end, but illustrates how there’s a whole spectrum, from that to people with crystal clear recall of people they met once a decade ago.)

    2. allathian*

      I’m not that extreme, but I don’t remember people very well. I have coworkers I’ve enjoyed talking to during our coffee breaks. I’ve seen them around for years, but I don’t know who they are or what they do unless I’ve worked with them closely. There are about 400 employees at my office and 1,800 nationwide.

    3. Sloanicota*

      When you reminded her of these events (like the car ride) did it then “click”? I do have a lot of trouble recognizing people that I’ve spent intense-but-brief periods with – like, sat down next to at lunch at a conference and chatted away, but then later ran into again with no recollection. Particularly if I’m seeing them in a new context, like I later see this person at the grocery store. I remember the activity though, if prompted. If she doesn’t even remember that was you in the car after prompting, she may just be someone who views the world as her audience.

    4. Prawo Jazdy*

      Thanks for the thoughts. All my “real-time” interactions with them went fine and their demeanor raised no red flags, which is why I was surprised about the lack of recognition later on.

      Having said that, one thing these people did have in common (in retrospect), was that they only showed cursory interest in my life – they mostly talked about themselves. So maybe they had pegged me early on as not having value to them except as an interchangeable “audience member” LOL!

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        This reminds me of early seasons of Real Housewives of NY. Bethenny Frankel and Jill Bensimon have an argument where Bethenny says “we’ve met ten times, I’m just not important enough for you to remember.” Super awkward; peak early reality TV:-/

    5. HaveWeMet*

      I’m legally blind. I have to meet people multiple times and be fairly close in order to recognize them later. Some people are “face blind” and are incapable of recognizing faces. Some people will never remember names and incidents may be hazy memories unless/until they’re reminded.

      Be happy you have the ability to recognize people and retain/easily recall details about them, but not everyone is so fortunate.

    6. Blue Cactus*

      I have trouble recognizing people out of context – I recently ran in to a former teacher at the grocery store and couldn’t place her until she mentioned one of my former classmates. I think I have a touch of face blindness and use the context to identify people, so I need clues to remember how I know them. But it’s an issue of connecting a face to my memories, not if having any memories whatsoever!

    8. The OG Sleepless*

      I went to a fairly small college. Everybody didn’t know everybody, but almost everybody knew most people, and the rest you would at least recognize and/or have a few mutual acquaintances. So, two friends and I needed a place to live on campus one summer, and there was a girl whose three roommates were gone for the summer and she let us move in. We knew her vaguely. We all had a decently pleasant summer. Our host was gone a lot but she did live there and we chatted often enough.

      So one of my and my husband’s college friends had stayed friends with her after we all graduated. Once we had invited him to go out to dinner and he asked if he could bring her. When she got there, she remembered my husband but she looked at me blankly. She introduced herself and I pleasantly reminded her that not only had we met before, but we had shared fairly small living quarters for an entire summer. She didn’t even remember having three temporary roommates that summer. Later on, someone mentioned my job, and I tensed for a moment because I have a job that almost everyone has lots of questions about. She just said “oh.” Which was a relief because I didn’t want to talk shop anyway, but it did make me think she was just a person who went through life without really noticing the people around her. Very odd.

    9. Qwerty*

      There are some big leaps here that I think say more about your viewpoints. It just means that you didn’t make an impression with these people. Humans can only keep track of so many people and typically do better when there is some form of emotion attached. I’m not surprised that someone doesn’t remember venting – usually the listener seems more likely to remember those conversations because they feel awkward / sympathetic / frustrated vs the talker who is current overfull with emotion (hence, venting).

      How much you bond with people also makes a difference. I have a friend who is pretty quiet and tends to listen more in conversations than share about herself. People we hang out with will always remember me because of some joke I made yet often will have no memory of her. (She’s good with this – if she wants to be remembered, she talks more)

    10. Jenesis*

      Timely!

      I recently ran into someone who recognized me from a college club we both participated in. Almost a dozen years ago. I smiled and nodded along, and I do have memories of that club, but aside from a very few people I kept in touch with on Facebook afterward I have zero recollection of any of the members’ names or faces. In general, people tend not to “stick” for me unless I’ve drilled it into my memory through repetition, or they have some distinguishing non-facial feature like an unusual hair color. It’s not a matter of priorities, because I’ve had it happen with co-workers as well, and it’s honestly pretty embarrassing to have to scramble for which face matches which of a dozen names I learned once yesterday and promptly forgot.

      “Seen around at functions and been to their house a few times” describes most of my in-laws, and I can recognize… maybe five of them? on sight! I might even forget a lengthy car ride with someone, if I haven’t kept in regular touch with them, and nothing particularly eventful happened on that car ride.

    11. Girasol*

      I’m face blind. Imagine a project manager who goes to the same meeting with the same eight people every week, and doesn’t know who the first person walking into this week’s meeting is. That would be me. I usually rely on the sound of the person’s voice or on clues from what they say. But if I met them in the grocery and they didn’t say anything, I would have no idea that I’d ever met them.

    12. Prawo Jazdy*

      Point taken, maybe it is actually the norm to NOT remember people.. and maybe I come across as the overly aware person who needs to get a life LOL!

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Haha. This whole thread has been so interesting. I tend to remember a LOT of people’s faces, and a lot about them, to the degree that it sometimes seems weird and I’ll pretend not to remember as many details about their life as I do. Fun to get a glimpse at how differently our brains all work!!

        1. Jenesis*

          It’s a useful skill/talent to have! I imagine it helps a lot with small talk when you remember which coworker is the one who loves their dog and which one went on vacation last week and so forth. Much moreso than mine… I couldn’t pick the majority of my in-laws out of a lineup BUT I can tell you the names, types, and Pokedex ID numbers of all 151 Pokemon!

        2. InkyFingers*

          Sadie writes about the super-identifiers in her book! Folks like you at the other end of the facial recognition spectrum. In fact, the FBI actively recruits them, to search out criminals in crowd settings.

        3. Chauncy Gardener*

          This is me too. My brain contains a wealth of useless information! Soooo many details about everything,

    13. Hyaline*

      Is face blindness a possibility? I once had a lovely long conversation with a face-blind person (who warned me he would not recall my face if I changed clothes) and the next day he truly didn’t know me. (But after a few shared references swung back around to recalling our previous conversation.)

    14. RagingADHD*

      Wait, were you actual friends who made plans to spend time together, or were you just acquaintances who happened to wind up in the same place and made conversation? Did she invite you to her home for 1:1 coffee, or were you at a big party she hosted for a loose knit group, like a community event?

      I’m sure I’ve met and chatted with people (even if it was a long event) that I couldn’t pick out of a lineup later.

      And what kind of time scale are we talking about? Did you go on a car trip with someone last month, or 5 years ago? The first would be strange if they didn’t remember you. The second, not so much.

      TBH, I think it’s a little odd to expect people to have vivid memories of you if you haven’t kept in touch. Particularly if it has been a long time, like multiple years, since you saw each other.

    15. Irish Teacher.*

      I think it’s partly just because people’s memories work in different ways. I have a friend who seems to remember very little about lots of things. This is somebody who got high grades at school and college, so well able to remember information for exams, but like she will be in a complete panic about running late for an event and then it will all work out fine and maybe a few months later she’ll be panicking about running late for another event and I’ll remind her of that one, to point out “remember you were running late for that event too and made it on time” and she’ll insist that no, she had loads of time for that event. It’s like the result is the only thing that remains in her mind. If she got there in time in the end, there was never any possibility of anything else.

      I also suspect that the continuous venter is mostly interested in you as an audience for her venting and you are therefore interchangeable with everybody else she vents to. Her memory of that event, if she has any, is “that I got to vent to somebody,” and the person it was to is just a backdrop.

    16. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      Late enough that I doubt you’ll see this, but I wanted to weigh in as this subject is something that’s been on my mind a lot since I discovered the existence of Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory (SDAM), which I’m almost positive I have although I’ve never been diagnosed. Essentially, I don’t retain concrete memories from my own life, or retain few of them well. I can remember facts reasonably well, but I hardly ever remember events I’ve actually experienced. Unfortunately that includes people I’ve met. I may remember their face, but what we might have done or talked about is almost certainly not going to stick. It’s not because I was too self-absorbed to pay attention while we were spending time together, or because I didn’t care about what you said, or anything like that. I just…can’t retain it.

      Vast swaths of my life are either entirely blank, or populated only by very vague memories that are more a product of other people recalling the event aloud than by my actual experience. It’s nothing personal if I don’t remember you, even if we’ve spent several hours together. Trust me, I’d LOVE it if I could! But my brain just doesn’t work that way, unfortunately.

    19. Catsu*

      This is indeed strange, but I wouldn’t take it personally. There is a saying I like that is: “Accept people as they are and place them where they belong.” These people view you as marginal to their life, so they will be marginal to yours.

  33. Wild Kingdom*

    Looking for animal podcasts to listen to while flying for the holidays. I especially like mini-series podcasts that focus on one animal/event but I welcome anything about animals. I’ve listened to Ologies, The Good Whale, Life On The Ark, and Hooked On Freddie. Also the animal based episodes of Criminal and This Is Love. Any recommendations?

    1. Wild Kingdom*

      Forgot to include that I’ve also listened to Tooth & Claw and Get Out Alive, both podcasts about animal attacks, though I couldn’t get into either of those. Not because of the graphic violent content, just didn’t like the hosts.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Terrible Lizards is about dinosaurs (and things that lived with them, like pterodactyls). The structure of a season is episodes with a deep dive on one topic, and at the end of the season a questions episode hitting a bunch of topics.

    5. Rose is a rose*

      I haven’t yet listened to A Field Guide to Gay Animals, but it is on my list! Per the description: “explores sexuality, gender,

      1. Rose is a rose*

        ack!
        A Field Guide to Gay Animals “explores sexuality, gender, and joy in the animal world.”

        I have enjoyed The Wild with Chris Morgan: “how nature survives and thrives alongside (and often despite) humans.”

  34. Want a Snugglepotamus for Christmas*

    Tips for warming up my 7 month old kitten (at this age they look like full cats)? My kitten was bottle-fed (by me, her foster) which might be relevant. When she was a baby she was soo snuggly and cute, liked to be carried around and to snooze on your shoulder. I mostly only foster babies and then adopt them out, and my past cats I adopted as adults, but this one I kept for myself. At 7 months, she only wants to play, play, play, which I understand is developmentally normal, but she has lost all her snuggliness. Doesn’t really like to be picked up, and if you reach for her she gets big pupils and will probably try to bear-hug your arm to kick/bite (gently), not cuddle. I do understand the “yeowch!” trick and she rarely bites down anymore, but thoughts on how to encourage her to be as snuggly as possible, within the limits of her personality? Right now I’m trying to hand-feed her special treats only when she’s calm on my lap and give her space otherwise … any other tips?

    2. strawberry lemonade*

      I think that being snatched up starts to feel less good as a cat than as a kitten. It definitely makes sense to give treats when she’s calm on your lap. Giving space will definitely be really helpful and playing with her will be really helpful—that’s going to be your bonding time for a while. (My cats just hit about 1.5 years so I remember this playtime stage very well.)

      For picking up, also try giving a signal when you’re about to pick her up, really carefully picking her up with a lot of butt support, and putting her down immediately when she wants to be put down. Kittens are so eminently pick-uppable that it’s hard to transition into the grown-up stage of lower grabbability.

      1. anon24*

        Giving a signal is really helpful. When mine were kittens and teenagers I always did; I don’t know why, it just felt natural. If I was going to touch them or pick them up I’d first show them the palm of my hand, pause, then do the thing, and I insisted that anyone else who wanted to interact with them had to also do the same thing. I’ve long since stopped doing that (they’re both 8 now) but it really did teach them to trust me and my boy let’s me do just about anything with him and my girl is a little more touchy but still pretty chill. Neither bites or scratches when they’re touched or held unless they’re in crazy demon mode.

        Also agree on butt support, my little girl freaks out if her butt and back legs aren’t very well supported

    3. I want fruit cake*

      I got my semi-feral cat to tolerate being in my lap by offering buttery fingers to lick. From buttered toast. it took awhile.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Treats only when she’s calm on your lap – that’s a good idea.

      My cats like to sit on my lap when I’m lounging on the couch (with my legs on the couch) reading a book or listening to an audiobook. If you do something like that with a lot of lap for the kitty to snuggle, she might decide that’s nice.

      I think it might be most important to be available but let her come to you. Cats tend to like to be in control of themselves.

      As far as picking up your cat, it might be good to:
      1. Not do it very much.
      2. When you do pick her up, let her down quickly and if possible pick her up and put her someplace she wants to be. One of my cats likes to be petted while on my bed, so if I pick him up and immediately put him on the bed, he’s usually good with it.
      3. Some cats like being picked up if they can “steer” (just go in the direction the kitty is looking at, if it’s reasonably possible and safe) and look at interesting things at the new height.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband has a pair of 10yo sisters and a pair of 5mo sisters. I pick up the kittens any time they come in range, because kittens, but I only pick up the adults when they are actively expressing interest in me, which one does semi-regularly and the other one does only at her annual vet visit because maybe if she hides in my elbow nobody will know she’s there. I second what someone else said about butt support, and in general try to “enclose” them when I pick them up so they’re not all just out there flapping in the breeze. If they’re not feeling fairly secure in their perch, they will try to reinforce their positioning with claws and I end up punctured. :P

  35. Dating websites?*

    Any recommendations for dating sites at a good price point, easy to use, geared towards 30s/40s users interested in the long term?

    Been single for a long time, usu. happy, but a few life things have happened that have made me feel like I want to explore partnership. No idea where to start, though.

    1. Generic Name*

      I had the most luck with the free sites. I got the most dates out of OKCupid, but I met my husband on Bumble. I was 38.

      I did sign up for Match, and paid for like a six month membership. I set up my profile, answered their personality questions, set filters for the age of person I was interested in. The very first message I got was from a dude ten years older than my stated preference, and I certainly didn’t match with him. He was not attractive to me in the slightest and the message he sent me was pathetic and self serving. (He spent much of it complaining how he wasn’t having any luck on dating sites. I wonder why) Match likes to brag about compatibility yadda yadda, so I was confused about how this guy found my profile. I guess if someone pays extra, they get to search and message anyone they want, regardless of what that person wants. Not cool, so I called and cancelled my membership and demanded a refund.

      From what I understand, which dating app is the best depends on where you live, and to some extent your age. I had a young colleague recommend Coffee Meets Bagel, but it seemed to have zero people my age on it.

      1. Bay*

        Seconding that geography and age are big variables in which app is best.

        I found that only time and practice could teach me what aspects of searching for a partner are in my control (when and how to reject, accepting that I will sometimes be rejected, how to learn about another person and close the distance at a nice sane pace, etc). A lot is not in our control, and the apps will try to pretend that they’ve got it all figured out about *identifying compatibility~~!** but for me I really can only know once I’ve talked to someone for a while, so I treat the apps as a finding and basic screening tool (‘can this person carry on a reasonable text conversation for the course of 12 messages’ or something similar) and then do most of the vetting in restaurants on dates. It also takes time to learn what it feels like to date, and to learn to not put tons of pressure on the whole situation, especially if you are used to thinking of yourself as single, because then the whole thing is such a big change (maybe.) It can be interesting! I definitely learned a ton and sometimes it’s really fun. Good luck! There are a lot of lovely humans out there and they often appear in forms and ways we cannot expect. For me, learning how to be looking at others that way, how to flirt in a way that fits my (weird) personality, and what delights and disappoints me are all fun and fascinating anyway.

    2. Annie Edison*

      Oh my sweet summer child, I don’t think that exists but I love the optimism and really hope you find something good. I’m slowly getting back on the apps in my late 30s after my long term relationship ended last year, and none of them are great. It’s going to depend somewhat on your location and dating style, but I’ve tried several at various points in my life:

      – Coffee Meets Bagel was great when it first came out, but is pretty dead now and not a great interface. Probably going to delete

      – Hinge is popular and claims to be oriented toward long term relationships, but I find the profile style a little shallow. It feels more like an exercise in personal branding/marketing than something designed to actually gives you a sense of a person. I’ve only been on for like 2 weeks so far though so ymmv

      – OKCupid was my favorite and where I met my last partner. Profiles are more in-depth and the match questions are helpful for filtering out dealbreakers or finding common interests

      – Tinder gets a bad rap as being just for hookups, but I’ve found good connections there, including some that turned into medium length relationships in my late 20s. It’s good for connecting with a lot of people quickly, and I feel like for better and worse, online dating is kind of a numbers game. At this point, all of the apps are somewhat shallow/swipe-oriented/algorithm driven, and I appreciate that Tinder is at least honest about what it is instead of pretending to be something different

      – Bumble is popular but I haven’t spent much time there yet. I’ve anecdotally heard success stories though so might be worth trying?

      If you’re in a major city, I’d also recommend checking out speed dating events. Luvvly and Shuffle are the two major companies in my area, and they have events in a lot of cities across the US. That’s been my favorite way to dip my toe back into the dating scene so far- the apps can feel really dehumanizing and it feels nice to connect with people face-to-face.

  36. Anon4This*

    Potluck question. Received an invite for a potluck-style party next weekend. Organizers are asking people to bring both a dish and a beverage to share. I’ve got no problem bringing a dish to share. To me though, it seems a bit much to ask people to bring beverages to share too. I’d be totally fine with BYOB. Am I overthinking this?

    1. Pop*

      Yes, I’d say you’re overthinking. If you’re not a big drinker, you don’t have to bring anything! Or a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer would be very easy. I even sometimes bring 2-3 kombucha for a non alcoholic option. This is big in my friend group as most of us don’t have a ton of money.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I wouldn’t even hesitate to bring a two liter of seltzer or something. Nobody else has to drink it, but I’ll have some. There will be more than enough food and beverages anyway. Now if you got taken aside and chided for not bringing something better beverage wise, that would be churlish and worth complaining over, but the request doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me.

        1. Jenesis*

          If I were asked to bring a beverage to a potluck (as opposed to being the one “in charge of” the beverages) I’d bring a 2 liter bottle of a soda I like. I don’t drink, I’m not interested in interrogating everyone else’s drink preferences, and worst case scenario no one else wants any and I can just enjoy it on my own.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Yes, this strikes me as a simple way to ensure that there’s something everyone would like to drink.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I would imagine a mix of things people are eager to share, and things people like themselves and so want to make sure are on offer. I would bring sparkling cider, or some other nonalcoholic thing that appealed to me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Particularly as it’s quite unlikely you’re expected to craft the beverage in the kitchen.

    3. HannahS*

      That seems like a normal thing to me. It doesn’t mean bringing enough for everyone, because if six people each bring six drinks, there will be a lot left. I don’t drink and I generally bring a bottle of Italian soda or juice or lemonade. My understanding is that when it’s BYOB people generally bring more than a single can of beer anyway, so I wouldn’t be fussed by that request.

    4. Conni*

      That sounds extremely normal and unobjectionable to me. I’d say you are overthinking it, yes. Bring a six pack or a bottle of something you’d be happy to consume and let it go. It’s really not a big deal.

    5. Generic Name*

      This is how my friends and I do our parties. Bring a dish to share, and bring a six pack of beer or cider or whatever. It’s basically the same as BYOB, but you put your drink on in the cooler or on a table, and it’s fair game for others. If you plan to drink 2 beers, bring a six pack and you can either bring home the leftovers or leave them with the host.

    6. KarenInKansas*

      Interesting! I brought a 12-pack of gourmet ginger ales to a friend and family potluck (in addition to my casserole) and everyone thought it was a marvelous idea. Now almost all of us bring a fun alcohol or nonalcohol beverage to share.

    7. ?*

      At house parties, potluck or no, I’ve never thought of BYOB meaning specifically bring something you are going to drink, just bring a drink. And usually drinks come in multiple servings; if I bring a bottle of wine I’m not planning on drinking the whole thing. So if I were bringing a casserole or dip or something it would seem very natural to also bring wine or a 6-pack of seltzer or a jug of apple cider.

    8. Sunflower*

      I think you’re overthinking and this is truly a BYOB situation. Depending on the amount of people going, assigning beverages to one person would be a lot of money and possibly stress. It’s possible you may mix and mingle some beverages but you certainly don’t need to bring more than a bottle of soda, wine, juice or whatever. Depending on what you bring, you could probably split with another person who likes the same things you do.

  37. ecnaseener*

    Does anyone know of a simple checklist app that works like an iOS Notes checklist, plus the ability to reorder items easily?

    What I like with iOS notes is that it automatically keeps all unchecked items above all checked items. The only problem is that if I want to change the order manually within those sections, I have to cut and paste. I’ve found other apps that have easy reordering, but without the automatic sorting into checked and unchecked.

    2. No llama tag, no service*

      I don’t have Apple, but in Android, there’s an app called ColorNote Notepad Notes that you can rearrange your notes for organization (and you can use color also). I use that rather than the Google Keep notes.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        This is what I use. There are options to sort by status or alphabet, check/uncheck all, and remove all checked items at once, as well as rearranging manually. If you have multiple lists you can sort by title, time made/modified, or color (great if you use that for categorizing similar lists)

      1. ecnaseener*

        Huh, it never occurred to me that reminders had a way to keep checked-off tasks visible in the list, but I found it! Thanks!

    4. heckofabecca*

      Google Keep does similar things with its checklist function, though all unchecked items end up down below ALL checked tasks—though still sorted by subsection. When you start a new item, it suggests things that you’ve already put down and will move them back to the top.

      You can hold and drag items to move them within sections, though I find moving things around a bit finicky. I don’t think it works offline, but I like that I can share it with others (i.e. for household shopping list—my roommate has a different phone type than I do) and that it’s accessible across phone, laptop, etc.

      1. Roland*

        Came here to suggest Keep also. It works offline no problem, just won’t sync until you connect to the internet of course.

        I have an android but it does seem to be available on the apple app store.

  38. Ho Ho H-invastion of privacy*

    Question about holiday cards/letters in your family: if your parents do holiday letters, do you have any input about what they include about you and your family? My folks are increasingly tyrannical about this and I’m curious about the norm. We aren’t allowed to see the letter before it goes out even if we ask them to please not use embarrassing photos etc. This is the norm in my fam: I just got a letter from my aunt in which she details her daughter’s medical problems and then includes her email, and I wondered if my cousin got any say on that. My parents say it’s “their” card and claim some sort of pater familial right to do what they want, but they send these cards to about 100 people, some of whom I don’t even know.

    1. Not A Manager*

      That sucks. I think the best you can do is tell them that if they insist on sharing your private business without permission, you’re going to stop including them in it.

      1. Generic Name*

        Seriously. Presumably you tell your parents tough stuff that is going on in your life because you’d like their support; not because you’re hoping they’ll tell 100 people your private stuff. I think I prefer the Christmas letters that brag about how awesome everyone is doing and how impressive their kids jobs are.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Basically, this. If they insist on spreading information without permission, they have to go on an information diet.

    2. Enough*

      My husband does a letter. It has been agreed upon that we limit what we say about the kids. So it currently just says they are all fine. In the future it would only mention big events like weddings and babies. No details.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Ugh. I would just stop telling my parents anything (if they were alive), not sharing pics, not letting mine be taken, etc. We have kids and it’s a basic photo of all of us together (and in the past I’ve asked them to submit their own photos), and a bit of news about each of them (working/where, trips, had a baby, etc.). If the people receiving the letter really know our kids, then I will handwrite a bit more about them on the back.

    4. Harlowe*

      Wow that is very opposite my experience. Most of my family contort themselves to create picture-perfect holiday letters, even when their personal lives are crashing down around them.

      In your situation, I’d stop telling them things at all. It’s not their right to share beyond your control.

    5. Tea no coffee thanks*

      This has been a massive problem for me. Without getting into the nitty gritty I asked to not have my family included for (I swear a very real and traumatic reason during which I was desperate for privacy). I was given a hard time for two years and then right back on the card without asking. Honestly it massively impacted how I saw them and our relationship. This is all to say that if they’re dead set on it and you don’t have a respectful relationship, it’s definitely worth a conversation but don’t bank on it making a difference.

      It did make me hyper aware of all the rampant medical details sharing the older generation in my family partakes in. Everyone knows everything so your best bet is to just not share any info with anyone if you’d like it private.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I guess it depends on what they’re saying… I think the letter should be about the household it came from, so like “we went on a trip to visit Adult Child” would be fine but “Adult Child got a new job” would be kind of weird? It should be their news, not yours.

      I don’t really care about being in my dad’s letter as a rule, but last year his wife sent out cards that had a full paragraph about their dogs, a full paragraph about all the fun things they did with her adult son, and a paragraph about trips they took including one to visit her extended family. My sister and I were not even mentioned. So that sucked even though I wouldn’t have wanted/expected to be in it otherwise.

    7. Nope.*

      I haven’t been subject to this but have seen two cases of it in which the subjects in the letter couldn’t possibly have been happy with the information included about them (and in one case, I know it wasn’t). My advice about these is to put the family members who write these letters on an information diet – they’ve proven they can’t handle information about you with care, so they shouldn’t get unlimited access to it anymore. Drama come what may, but that shouldn’t be your problem. Sorry this happens.. I don’t have any advice other than to hold firm to your boundaries about this – they’re counting on you feeling badly enough that you cave, so don’t.

      1. Ho Ho H-invastion of privacy*

        It’s so bizarre to me, because they always say “it’s *our* card,” but then there’s always a paragraph about each of their children (I guess they don’t have enough else to talk about?) and they put odd things in it, like “so-and-so lost their job” rather than “so-and-so took a wonderful trip to Italy” (for some reason, most of the card is about travel people took) – and then a rather unattractive candid photo of so-and-so. I suppose they just want the drama. I do understand they don’t want to get into “writing by committee” and having the nieces nix all photos of themselves and substitute new ones, but even if send them something “nice” to say about me, or suggest a photo, they won’t use it.

    8. Beth**

      My MIL does a Christmas letter, which we don’t see until we get our Christmas card from her. From this year’s letter, you would have no idea she has children. But then we haven’t seen her since mid 2023 and I have no idea if she saw my BIL at all this year. She and my husband do talk on the phone from time to time, but otherwise we don’t have a lot of contact.

      1. Ho Ho H-invastion of privacy*

        This is a good perspective for me to keep in mind because I often wonder why they want to put me in their Christmas letter anyway (my sibling and I send our own cards, although not to the same list, although some aunts/uncles end up getting all 3).

        1. allathian*

          They want to embarrass you? They get a kick out of any family drama that they can share?

          Sounds like they need to be put on an information diet. If they complain that you no longer tell them anything significant, you can tell them that you don’t trust them not to share stuff you want to keep private.

          1. Ho Ho H-invastion of privacy*

            Well, like I said, I don’t know about anyone else but what they do is normal in our family, with multiple aunts doing the exact same thing. And from the thread I guess it’s not just us. My folks aren’t malicious people generally. I think it stems from a sense that their Christmas letter is “boring” which reflects poorly on their year in review which makes them uncomfortable so they want some juicy gossip to put in there.

    9. Letters go both ways*

      Make a fake holiday letter to your friends mirroring the tone used in your parents’ holiday letter. Include highly personal, private details about your parents in the breezy, transparent manner they use – if possible use exact phrases from prior parental letters to describe their deeply personal happenings in your fake letter. (Dad balding, gaining weight, boughts of piles or diarrhea? Mom experimenting with various remedies for toe fungus? People need to know!) After the holidays, maybe mid-January, while the issue is still current, hand them your fake letter and tell them you sent it to 100 households. Give them time to read it, share how they feel and then discuss. It might be useful to have some marked up versions of old parental letters to aid in the discussion. Good luck.

  39. Dryer Venting Help*

    Anyone have advice on my new dryer? It’s making the room very damp, so it’s not venting properly.

    I don’t feel any air coming out around the door. The duct work still seems to be connected at the back, though I did crush it slightly when I pushed the dryer in place. But it doesn’t seem like that was enough to have caused such a big problem? It’s sending a LOT of moisture into the room, enough to make the walls damp. I’m going to crawl back there and check the connections again, but is there anything else I should be looking for?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Clogs in the vent. If it’s bent/crushed, lint may be building up at that point and blocking it.

    2. Prawo Jazdy*

      It sounds like the starting end of the duct (inside the guts of the dryer) came loose from where it’s supposed to sit. Probably need to open the dryer and clamp it back into place.

    3. The OG Sleepless*

      Have you looked at the back of the dryer? When mine did that, the hose had come loose off the dryer and I had to stick it back on.

    4. KarenInKansas*

      Where does the dryer vent outside? When it gets cold outside, sometimes the lint and moisture can freeze up against the external vent and block air flow. Ask me how I know!

    5. Shiny Penny*

      Has the duct run been cleaned? Dryer ducts can get clogged with lint, and should be cleaned out on a regular schedule to prevent fires. Wet air failing to exit can be a sign of a clog.
      My duct is unreasonably long, but does well if cleaned once a year by a company that uses the correct method (air compressor on truck with hose that goes the full length of the duct, NOT the lame drill-with-brush-attachment.) They also make sure the interior of the dryer is lint free. I pay $125 these days.

    6. Generic Name*

      When this happened in my first house, it was because a bird had built a nest in the dryer vent outlet.

  40. sswj*

    Slightly weird cleaning question:
    Is there a way to clean lampshades?
    I have a very pet-heavy house (2 dogs and 16! cats) and while I try to keep ahead of the fur, I don’t succeed as well as I’d like in some areas. Lampshades in particular seem to be hair magnets, and the bottom rim gets grubby-looking from kitty chin rubbing etc. I’ve tried a damp microfiber cloth and the various rubber and tacky lint removers with small success. I’d rather not buy new ones because I like the ones I have now, but short of turning the hose on them to see what happens I’m kind of at a loss.
    Any ideas?

    1. Enough*

      I use the vacuum with the small brush attachment to deal with dust and the like on the shade. Only thing I can think of for the grubbiness is damp cloth with soapy water and gently rub the rim.

    2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      For simple dust, I vacuum my lampshades every once in a while. Works best with a small flexible attachment and should surely work for animal hair, too.
      I don’t have the problem of grubby-looking rims but would think that a short-ish soak in water with washing-up liquid and a bit of careful scrubbing should do the trick.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Have you tried a damp toothbrush with some dish soap on it? I’d try to loosen the grime first, then wipe off with a microfiber.

    4. Aphrodite*

      Any upholstered item can be cleaned of cat hair (and I presume dog hair) with gloves. Take a dry rubber dishwashing glove and run it over the material, scooping it up as you would crumbs. It is surprisingly excellent at gathering all the hair into a big clump. Have a bag nearby to dispose of it as you will get a lot. That’s it!

    5. Shiny Penny*

      Highly recommend a leaf blower!
      It’s awesome for dusting lampshades and plastic plants/flowers, including (naked) fake Christmas trees.
      It takes two people, so you can do a “soft approach” at exactly the best angle to not harm the object, and only get close enough to poof off the dust and pet hair. Of course this must be done outside, and won’t help with the rubbed on dirt (maybe there’s a car upholstery cleaning method that would work for that?).

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Rubbing alcohol on a cloth might help with the grubby bits. For the lampshades maybe a static-based duster? I have a couple bright orange fuzzy ones that collect hair nicely, and they’re machine-washable.

  41. BellaStella*

    So this was a surprise this week. I had two wall radiators, electric. Until this week, when I turned one on, it sparked and fried the circuit board. The electrician came to look, took it off the wall and apart to show me the damage. Then he said,”Because of the other wall heater AND your UNDERFLOOR HEAT, you should be warm enough”. We have snow and temps in the 20F range. I DID NOT know that the reason the floor was warm in parts was that the good wall radiator, when on, also turns on the floor heat. Reader, I have lived here one year. Thru a lot of snow and cold. Well, now I do know and while I thought it was my neighbour’s heat rising, it all make a lot more sense now. What was your not so new in your place surprise?

    1. Chaordic One*

      I remember when, in my first apartment, the gas oven and range featured a separate broiler under the oven. I had never seen one before and had no idea what it was. (Sheltered life, I know.) All of the other stoves I had ever seen had a drawer for storage under under the oven. I assumed that the broiler was something that was part of the oven, maybe related to heating the oven. When I found out what it was and how to use it, it was kind of “meh.” I guess it’s o.k. to have one, but not that big of a deal.

      1. Clisby*

        I experienced the reverse. When I was growing up, the drawer under the gas stove always was for the broiler. (Which, by the way, worked great.) In my later years, I’ve had gas stoves where the drawer was for storage (why the heck do you need to store things under your oven, but that’s another topic) and you have to use the oven for broiling.

        1. allathian*

          My mom stored our oven pans in the drawer under the oven, as well as the cast iron frying pans and the stovetop waffle iron. Stuff that the esidual heat from the oven wouldn’t hurt.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I grew up always having the drawer for storage under the oven, so the first time it was a broiler, first I accidentally ruined all my cookie sheets, and then I was always paranoid that someone was going to burn their feet somehow. I am now back to a storage drawer underneath, and that’s still where I keep my cookie sheets and muffin tins.

    2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Smaller scale, but I’d been in my house two years before figuring out that what I thought were false drawer panels in front of my kitchen sink actually tilt out to store scrub brushes. (And there were some icky ones in there!) Also, found a pull-out cutting board hiding under the counter around the same time. Apparently I’m not that observant.

      1. Cordelia*

        my sister opened a cupboard door in my kitchen and said “why’s this empty?” It was because I had never noticed it. A narrow vertical cupboard at the side of the oven, it was an odd size and I suspect it was just to fill a gap when the kitchen was fitted, but I had never opened it. I had been in that house for almost a year.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          I have a narrow cupboard next to the oven too! That’s where I keep cookie sheets and cutting boards. It’s perfect!

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Been in my house 8 years, and I’ll let you know when we figure out what those seemingly useless light switches are for. One in the garage, one by the front door, and one in a bedroom.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        We finally identified one by the back door in my office after nine years! It controls the power that goes to the motion-activated light on the back porch that we never thought worked. :P (But there’s another one right next to it that is still undetermined.)

      2. Generic Name*

        Unidentified switches drive me nuts! In a lot of houses those control an outlet, especially in rooms where a builder opted to save money by not including a fixture. My first house had a switch that we had no idea what it went to, but we finally figured it out……a week before we moved.

  42. My Brain is Exploding*

    PSA: today Captain Awkward had some great advice for people in relationships who need to discuss finances. Good things to think about and discuss!

    1. Generic Name*

      I found this question very intriguing because their respective financial situations are similar to me and my husband. While I (a woman)work for a living, I make a lot more than my husband does, who grew up in poverty. He had roommates when we met, and I owned my house. My husband obviously contributes much less to the household financially, but he contributes in other ways. He has just started his own business, and while his business gets off the ground, I’ve actually been really enjoying that he has more time at home to cook meals and tackle large projects. It takes a lot of the stress off of me, frankly.

      1. Joey*

        Yes, but she knows her basic needs are taken care of and made her professional decisions accordingly (and we don’t know what she earns as she also works as an artist — possibly the same as him?). I think maybe it’s more about a lifestyle incompatibility as he doesn’t think health insurance or making financial plans for the future is necessary, though that’s presumably because it’s out of reach for him.

        But she can afford her basic needs and he can’t (or has a different view of what basic needs are) regardless of where the money comes from. Are you suggesting his way has more merit? Because technically they do both work.

      2. Peregrine*

        I thought, if he’s not from a wealthy background and is working as an artist and isn’t in debt, he’s doing well with money! He may he more responsible than she is. To be honest, I didn’t understand her attitude. My partner and I are married and our money is ours, shared. We’re a unit. They could always have a pre-nup if she’s worried about divorce. If you can easily afford to be with the person you love and both work jobs you love, worrying about it seems like creating a problem.

    3. strawberry lemonade*

      That was an odd letter because they both have the exact same strategy, as described—get a chunk of money from a one-time thing and then spend it down—it’s just that her chunk is an inheritance and much much larger.

  43. Unwilling Witness*

    Removed — this is too heavy for the weekend thread (see the “office break room” guideline at the top) and not something I can moderate. – Alison

  44. Resolutions*

    New Year’s resolutions! How is 2024 going? What’s your plan for 2025?

    For 2024, I decided to exercise my mind and get my bilingualism back in shape. I have 354 days straight on my learning app and a few podcasts (I started on January 2, knowing the leap year would have my back). Very proud of this streak, because I maintained it despite my husband having four hospitalizations this year.

    For 2025, it’s time to get my body back. I know working out is a cliched resolution, but I leaned heavily on take-out to get through the many medical emergencies of the year, so my resulting gut needs to go.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I basically just reset my same lifestyle goals every year – both by making more of an effort and by literally erasing the data on my habit app. Exercise daily, read daily, sleep consistency, and diet consistency. Sometimes I include a hobby goal or a “go outside” goal as well if I feel I’ve been bad about prioritizing those things.

    2. Sloanicota*

      You’re right, I need to think. I have tried simple ones (‘finish your will’) and complicated ones (moderate your drinking such that every month you drink less per week than you did the month before, or set 12 goals that differ for each month). TBH I am not very good at keeping or even remembering any of them. Still haven’t finished that will.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I started doing resolutions based on verbs a couple of years ago. 2023 was “diversify” and it got me going to several new groups and trying new things, 2024 was “destash” which was somewhat less successful because I keep finding wonderful wool/fabrics/etc.

      After realising I’m definitely crunchy if not burnt out by the end of the year for several years running, 2025 is going to be about making things easier for myself. Closest verb I can find to that is “simplify”!

      1. allathian*

        Me too. I don’t do resolutions. For the Millennium celebrations I resolved never to make another resolution, and it’s the only one I’ve managed to keep for longer than two months.

        Like most employers, mine has an ethos of continuous improvement, and I’ve decided that I don’t need that stress in my personal life. Maybe in 15 years or so when I retire.

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        How about “rest”? Or “delegate”? (which could include paying for services rather than doing things yourself, if that’s an option that would help and not just add a different flavor of stress)

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      Well, I don’t have “resolutions,” but I do make plans – sewing projects I want to do/finish, household projects, books to read (like a type of book), # of items to get rid of (or a specific item), etc. One year it was try two new recipes (from my giant box of recipes that I cut out of newspapers and magazines) a month. This year I don’t even remember because we got my m-i-l moved here, and all the prep before and things after (hello to ALL THE NEW DOCTORS) basically took up all my time and I was lucky just to get to my book club and once-a-month quilt group. I can’t even make a plan for next year although “go on a trip” may be happening thanks to the planning of one of the kids.

    5. Girasol*

      I’ve switched to resolutions on solstices and equinoxes. That way it’s time to review progress and adjust my focus at about the point that my good intentions from last time have petered out. For me it’s more drawing practice.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Ooh that’s a great idea! Just missed the summer one but I’ll try to remember this for mid year!

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        Love this.

        One of my best friends years ago said something I’ve followed ever since: “Don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Just do resolutions. If it’s worth doing, why would you wait to start doing it?” Her example then was carrying her own coffee go cup so she could reduce use of disposables. I’ve carried one for many years–I don’t leave home without it–thanks to her saying that.

        That said, having a few touch points in the year to remind myself of things I meant to do seems like a good idea.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      Congrats on the streak! Which app and podcasts worked for you? I need to refresh my Spanish and French that were never all that strong and have motivation in that I’ll have international trips for work the next two years that will let me use those.

      I use New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day to read back through my journals for the year, write a recap list of the notable highlights and lowlights, and remind myself of favorite moments and memories.

      I’ve sometimes done a more/less list: Things I want to do more, things I want to do less of. I read a more detailed version of this that I’m hanging onto for a day when I feel like some reflection–four lists to make:
      – What I really don’t like to do and want to do as little as possible
      – What I don’t like to do and would like to do less of
      – What I like to do and don’t mind doing more of
      – What I love to do and want to do more of

      Setting general parameters like this feels helpful. A chore list approach leaves me feeling discouraged by things I haven’t done so I focus on things I have done/am doing, like you celebrating your streak.

  45. Esprit de l'escalier*

    Can anyone recommend a clip-on book light that is really bright? My close vision has deteriorated badly in the last couple of years and I can’t find a comfortable way to read a book. There are several on amazon but I would appreciate a specific recommendation, or a skip-this-one. Thanks!

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      I’d love these recommendations too. At work lighting is really bad for reading printed stuff.

    2. Maryn*

      I have a neck light that goes around the back of my neck and ends with two gooseneck (and aim-able) LED lights you can set to three brightness levels. It was recommended to me for crafting, sewing, etc. in a darkened room (like in front of the TV) but it’s great for reading, too. The one I bought is no longer available but looks a lot like the Trond Tekstap LED Neck Reading Light, under $20.

      Sorry, I know you asked for a clip-on, but I’ve never been satisfied with any.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        I was going to suggest one of those neck-held reading lights, too. The adjustable brightness levels, being able to aim at where I actually want/need the light, and not beding any part of the book whilst reading were definitely the deciding factors for me.
        Also, I can use it for other things besides reading (crafting, sewing, repairing, organising in otherwise dim light – anything I prefer or need to use both hands for)

        1. Anonymous Cat*

          Thank you! I have been looking for something like this but couldn’t figure out how to word it to get useful results.

          I first saw something like this years ago for people working on cars or on houses with the idea you could focus the light while keeping your hands free for tools. But of course, it was discontinued.

    3. MeMyselfI*

      I have had many book lights in my time and was dissatisfied with all of them until my partner did a lot of research a few years ago and got me the Vekkia book light (probably from Amazon). It clips on, has a rechargeable battery, and the light can be split to cover two opposing pages. There are also three different light intensities.

      1. MeMyselfI*

        Oops, just realized Vekkia makes a bunch of different book lights (including neck ones). The one I have seems to be called the “Vekkia 14 LED rechargeable book light” if you are searching on Amazon. I have zero complaints about it!

    4. Magdalena*

      I *love* the Honwell LED book light. It has nice design, a clip, recharges via USB and has adjustable brightness from really bright to subdued. You can clip it on or stand it up and it’s the size of a larger pendrive. I have gifted it to half a dozen people and it was very well liked. I’ll link below.

    6. Girasol*

      These days I need a LOT of light for reading. While it’s not a clip-on book light, a NightBuddy headlamp is bright enough to light up the whole back yard when I go out to see what went thump in the night, and is super bright on a book.

    7. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Thank you all for these really good recommendations! These items are not very expensive and I might get both a clip-on and a neck style for different kinds of reading and close-work situations. (It was interesting that most reviews for neck lights came from people who work in close quarters and need bright light and their hands free, such as auto mechanics and a person who inspects 737 jet engines, rather than from readers.)

  46. slowlyaging*

    To the people with all the good ideas. I have 7 dried lasagna noodles. I am too frugal to throw them away. I don’t particularly like a standard lasagna recipe. Any ideas … how to use them?????

    1. BellaStella*

      Do you own a bread loaf pan? One of the small rectangular pans? That is water tight? Put a tiny bit (1/2 inch?) of water in it, and layer a noodle, then cheese, noodle, cheese, etc…then add a bit more water (1/4 cup?) and wrap the pan top with foil. Then cook, on say 200F, so the water can steam the noodles and cheese and it is not lasagne but cheesy noodles. Or just boil the noodles, and add cheese for different mac and cheese.

    2. Time for Tea*

      Spinach and ricotta cannelloni/roll ups? Or spinach and goats cheese as an alternative. Cook to a bit short of al dente so they are flexible. Mix cooked spinach with ricotta, add salt and pepper, grate a bit of nutmeg in. Spoon a bit on to the lasagna sheet at one end and spread it about then roll it up so it’s in a pasta tube. Put a thin layer of tomato sauce/passata/chopped tomatoes with whatever Italian herbs you fancy mixed in at the bottom of a casserole dish. Put your pasta roll ups in a layer on top. Spoon over the remainder of your pasta sauce to cover it all up. Top with mozzarella and/or cheddar. Pop in the oven and bake for 20-30 minutes to finish off cooking the pasta and get the topping toasty.

      2. Lurker*

        The NY Times had a recipe for lasagna soup recently. Maybe par-boil them and cut them into smaller squares and use them in some sort of soup.

        1. ronda*

          I made a lasagna soup and it had you break them and then put them in the soup to cook. I did really like them that way.

          The Thai restaurant I go to has some noodle dishes that they make with a big flat noodle. Chef apparently cuts them himself,(maybe ~ 1 inch by 3 inch). I also really liked a bigger noodle in that kind of dish (pad ke mao and pad see ew). His are more delicate than a lasagna noodle.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I have a skillet lasagna recipe at home that uses broken up noodles–I’ll try to dig it up.

    4. Gionn*

      Depending on what it is about standard lasagna you dislike, you could simply switch the ingredients up but keep the style, and layer them with sauces and proteins of your choice – do a white sauce and shredded chicken, add broccoli and top with cheese, or a cheese sauce layered with tofu, or whatever you like.

      1. slowlyaging*

        I like the ingredients separate, but not squished together and heavy. The broccoli and white sauce is a good idea.

    5. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I love this question, as I’m in a similar position w/lasagna noodles, but I don’t want a super-cheesy dish. I’m hoping someone can suggest something that is vegetarian and also not so very cheesy (or even not at all cheesy if that is possible).

      1. slowlyaging*

        What about artichokes, toothpick size carrots, celery, daiko, finely chopped green onions, sweet chili Thai sauce roll ups??

      2. slowlyaging*

        What about artichoke, toothpick style chopped carrots, celery, daikon, sprinkle with sesame seeds and sweet chili thai sauce, and roll up and bake.

      1. slowlyaging*

        I just randomly saw a recipe for pasta chips, they used rigatoni. But I could be boring and boil, cut into triangles, sprinkle with spices and herbs and bake. It actually sounds really good

  47. Birthday traveler*

    My husband and I are making a trip to some national parks in early February. We have one night to stay in Las Vegas before flying home the next morning and need suggestions on what part of the city to stay in and a restaurant for a great culinary and cocktail experience. While we are open to seeing the strip (we’ve never been to Vegas), the stereotypical partying and gambling experience isn’t for us. Any suggestions?

    1. Cordelia*

      If you’re only there for one night I think you need to stay on the strip and experience it. I went a few years ago with my mother – she’d been on a group tour to the national parks and ended in Vegas. We only stayed 2 nights, the first we went up and down the strip on a bus looking in all the hotels, the second we went to see a show.
      There’s plenty to see without gambling or partying. We ate in the Venetian, I think.
      Vegas is certainly an experience, not one I feel the need to ever repeat, but I’m glad I’ve seen it!

    2. DefinitelyStrip*

      The shows, the food, and all of the extras make being on the strip worth it. My favorite day in Vegas was literally waking from one end of the strip to the other (I stayed in the Sahara which is all the way at one end) walking through each hotel, stopping in small little attractions in some, then dinner and a show in the evening. Going one end to the other is a real hike, though, so unless you want to walk and walk and walk, I’d pick a smaller subset of hotels.

    3. Kay*

      Have you been to Red Rock? I say this as it sounds like some place you may like if you are doing parks (if it is already part of the experience then feel free to ignore me). If you haven’t – I would suggest staying near there and finding a place you like near Henderson and the park access route. I hate cigarette smoke and crowds so unless I’m going to a show I would never go to the strip and personally it is an experience I could have lived without.

      If you are already planning to visit Red Rock then I would say go to a show or concert and accept you are going to grossly overpay for what you eat and will likely be underwhelmed by the experience. The Four Seasons has a smoke free entrance to their hotel, but plan for traffic to just be a nightmare no matter what you do if you have to drive anywhere close to the strip.

    4. Sunflower*

      Your best bet is to stay on the strip. While none of the locals go there, that’s where the experiences you’re looking for are and the well known food and drink is along with shows and entertainment. I go to Vegas a lot for work and don’t smoke, gamble or hit the clubs and have always found plenty to do. The strip is super walkable and its fun to just walk up and down and through the casinos. You can also take a quick Uber to Freemont st which has the older, flashier type casinos you’ve seen in movies and is much smaller than the strip. You can kind of stay anywhere but I think Cosmo and Aria have the best cocktail experiences with 2nd and 3rd best restaurants, Wynn has the best restaurants. Fountainebleu is new but it’s really out of the way and not very lively. Most restaurants in Vegas have locations elsewhere so I’d just go on each of the main resorts websites and see which restaurants are in where and pick from there.

    5. WestSideStory*

      Definitely stay on the Strip – you can walk to most places. We’ve stayed at Venetian and/or The Paris and both have excellent restaurants. At the Paris, Mon Ami Gabi and the Eiffel Tower are elegant, expensive, and worth it. You will need reservations and expect to pay $$$$ at the tower if you want a table by the window to see the fountains at night. Yardbird at Venetian is the snobbiest fried chicken restaurant I have ever experienced, but it’s fun and food and service are impeccable. The Sugar Cane restaurant at Venetian and the Chandelier Bar at Cosmopolitan are notable for atmosphere and innovative cocktails.
      If you have time, take the Deuce bus downtown to Fremont Street area to get a look at the grubbier side of Vegas…yet you can still get an excellent prime rib dinner at the Four Queens and there is a speakeasy bar at the Mob Museum (a block from Main Street) that’s a hoot. The museum makes moonshine (corn whisky) in a basement still and comes up with amusing cocktail combinations – you don’t need to tour the museum to go to the bar.

      We spent Thanksgiving week in Vegas so my recs are recent. We’ve been to the Ramsey restaurants and find them overpriced and unimpressive….on the other hand, I was pleasantly surprised at the Greenberg Deli in New York New York which has a good lox platter for breakfast.

    6. WestSideStory*

      Agree you should definitely stay on the Strip, you can walk to most everything and that includes a lot of good restaurants. We usually stay at Venetian or the Paris and were last there Thanksgiving week, so my recs are recent.
      At the Paris, Mon Ami Gabi and the Eiffel Tower have elegant French food – the Tower is pricier, especially if you want a window seat to view the fountains at night, and you’ll need a reservation. Sugar Cane Bar at the Venetian and the Chandelier Bar at Cosmopolitan have great ambiance and amazing cocktails.
      I noticed no one has mentioned the Gordon Ramsey restaurants – they are in my opinion overpriced and overdone, unless you are a huge fan I’d say skip it. Yardbird at Venetian is the snobbiest fried chicken joint I’ve ever been to, but the service and food are elevated (still need a reservation).
      Doesn’t sound like you will hit downtown, but if you want to take the Deuce bus to the Fremont Street area, you’ll see a bit of the grubby past history of the town in motion. And you’ll still get an excellent prime rib dinner at the Four Queens. There is a speakeasy bar at the nearby Mob Museum that is fun – the museum has a moonshine (corn whisky) still in the basement and uses this for fun, seasonal cocktails – you don’t have to pay admission to the museum to get to the bar.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was going to say, depending on your timing, Mon Ami Gabi at the Paris is FANTASTIC for breakfast.

    8. Cue the lights*

      Hotel tip if you stay on the strip. Pay attention to noise/lights. I stayed at a fountain view room at the Bellagio which was lovely until… that water show goes off every hour until midnight with loud music.

    10. Victoria, Please*

      Following up with more: Stay near Fremont Street, the *original* strip. It’s sooooo delightfully tacky and fun! Also far less expensive than the fabulous Strip that everyone is encouraging. It is much less glamorous, though, so if you’re wanting over the top gold leaf elegance, then I do agree with everyone saying The Strip.

  48. Spacewoman Spiff*

    A few weeks ago I asked for advice on winter sowing. Just wanted to pop back in and thank everyone who gave suggestions! I just put my first four milk jugs outside, and there were a few things I wouldn’t have thought of (like storing them in a shady spot until later in the season, and securing them so they don’t get knocked over). Fingers crossed for a successful first attempt!

    1. Liminality*

      Congrats on doing the thing! :) I mean this the best and most encouraging way possible, may you reap what you’ve sown! Truly, I wish you a bountiful crop!

  49. WellRed*

    If you are going to Vegas The strip is where you need to stay. There’s no other “parts if the city” ( I mean technically, sure, but stay on the Strip.) If you can swing it, I’d stay at the Venetian and there are a lot of great dining options there including Canaletto and Delmonicos. Or stay at Mandalay Bay, plenty of restaurants there (love Lupos ( think that’s the name) and get drinks at Skyfall lounge at Delano which is right there. Great view of strip.

  50. Windfall*

    I’m looking for advice on where to get some financial advice. I’m in the US and anticipate receiving a large chunk of money next year (300-500K). This will be a one-time thing, and I don’t have the exact details of when the transaction will be completed or the total net gain (it’s a real estate deal of some family-owned property). I think I need to talk to someone mostly about the tax implications–filing estimated taxes for the year, calculating the capital gains, anything (legal) I can do to offset the capital gains, and the implications of filing married/joint versus married/separate for the year (we usually file married/joint). I usually do our tax returns myself and have never used a tax preparer, but I’m aware that there are things we need to do during the year 2025 (like filing estimated taxes) before April of 2026. Do I want a CPA? Who gives this type of advice? I’m not looking for an investment advisor because we’re anticipating using the money for a house purchase, so the money will probably only be in my possession for less than a year. Thanks for any perspectives on this!

    4. I want fruit cake*

      not the question you asked, but also check with a lawyer on the implications of taking “family”/inheritance money and using it for a common marital asset. Where I live, if you have an inheritance that is exempt from being split between the partners, should you divorce, but once you spend it on a marital asset (a house you share), it’s up for being split. So, check with someone who knows the laws in your jurisdiction.

    5. ronda*

      when you say family property, does that mean that it is owned by multiple family members? Or that you recently inherited it from family member?
      If it is owned by multiple people you all might need to get advice together to understand how any gain is distributed to each person. Or if it is owned by some sort of family company?

      If it is inherited, you get a step up in basis when you inherit property, so if you inherited it recently, there might not be a very big gain.

      To offset a large capital gain amount, you can use capital losses. If you have investments in a taxable account (not 401k or IRA) that are at a loss you can sell them and buy a different investment (if you buy the same investment within 30? days it disqualifies the loss).

      If you want to make estimated payments , you can just save a copy of last years return in your tax software, and add the capital gain amount you expect and see how much extra tax you estimate you owe. It won’t be exact, but it should be pretty close.

    7. Windfall*

      Thanks, all! Spent the weekend at (the place we don’t talk about) and will be delving deeper into this after the new year when I can get an appointment with someone!

  51. Rick Tq*

    You want a financial advisor too, not just a tax accountant. They will have suggestions on how to put the money to work between now and when you purchase your home.

  52. Holiday Window Shopping*

    I love reading curated gift guides. I rarely actually buy anything but it’s fun to “window shop” different items I wouldn’t have found otherwise. And of course sometimes I actually do discover new small shops and artisans and fantastic games/puzzles/thing-I-didn’t-know-I-needed. Please share your favorite online gift guides!

        1. Six Feldspar*

          Who *wouldn’t* want an excuse to keep a sabre in the house? You never know when champagne might be needed!

    4. Pam Adams*

      Science fiction writer Naomi Kritzer does one for people you want to give bad gifts to, but want plausible deniability.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Thanks for this, it was a fun read, and also reminded me that she existed so now I’m following her on bluesky!

      2. Minimal Pear*

        Ooh, I didn’t know she did this! That Dreadful book looks awesome, I just got the eBook from the library.

  53. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Does anyone have a recipe for cookie cutter cookies that actually taste good even before slathering on icing and decorations?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Yes. Any recipe that uses a whole lot of butter. The cookies can be a pain to roll out, though. The easiest way is to smear the soft dough onto a sheet of parchment, cover it with a second sheet, and use your hand, a rolling pin, and/or a bench scraper to form it into a thin, even layer. Then slide it onto a sheet pan and refrigerate it. Cut the cookies when it’s firm and chilled, and continue chilling/removing from the fridge every time the dough softens up too much to work with. This is tedious but not difficult. You’ll wind up with thin, crunchy butter morsels that are delicious with or without icing. I usually omit the icing and just decorate them before baking with sanding sugar or cinnamon sugar.

      I think I used to use a Julia Child recipe for this, or maybe one from an old version of Joy of Cooking. Basically, you want a recipe with lots of butter, very little flour, white sugar, no leavening, and either a whole egg or just yolks.

    3. Alex*

      We always use the standard recipe in the Joy of Cooking. We only sprinkle colored sugar on them, no icing, and they taste good–at least I think so!

      2. Yay cookies!*

        Co-sign — will share a version in another comment. Also if you don’t already know the awesome trick of rolling out dough between two sheets of wax paper, now you do!

        We do frost ours with buttercream (whatever recipe is on the bag or easiest) but they are a tasty shortbread without.

    4. Pentapus*

      I don’t have the recipe with me, it’s based on one cup butter and 2.25 or 2.5 cups flour, with sugar and one egg and baking soda, but to me the difference is made by adding 2-3 teaspoons of pure almond extract.

    5. California Dreamin’*

      Yes! My husband’s family uses a cookie recipe that has cream cheese. They are delicious with and without frosting (we decorate ours with royal icing, my sister in law leaves hers plain or just sprinkled with colored sugar). I’m traveling and don’t have the recipe with me but I’m seeing some similar recipes online by searching cream cheese cookies. I know Ours has 1/4 tsp almond extract in addition to vanilla so I recommend adding that. We color and roll out the dough and cut out shapes. Sister-in-law rolls her dough very thick and her cookies are sooo good. Very, very soft.

    6. Coffee*

      cream
      3/4 cup butter
      1cup sugar
      add
      2 eggs
      1tsp vanilla
      add
      2.5 cup flour
      1tsp baking powder
      1tsp salt
      refrigerate at least an hour
      roll out to about 0.5 inch but I do closer to 0.3 inch.
      put back in fridge if the dough warms up too much while re rolling
      bake 400F for 6 to 8 min till lightly brown on bottom.
      I like them both without frosting and with

    7. Might Be Spam*

      If you want to decorate without icing and added sugar, you can “paint” them before baking. Mix a little liquid food coloring with beaten egg white and paint the cookie before baking. If you use beaten egg yolk, the colors are a bit different and it still works. You can still sprinkle sugar on them before baking, if you want.
      We did it at a cookie party for middleschoolers and they loved it. (Some of their color combinations were gawdawful, but they had fun and ate them anyway.)

      1. ronda*

        I saw a recipe where you crushed jolly ranchers and used the to make ‘stained glass’ you used two layers of dough with one a cut out to contain the color. I never made it but the pictures were very nice.

  54. Qwerty*

    Christmas music recommendations? It’s gift wrapping day and I’m realizing I have nothing festive to listen to. The spotify generated playlists are not great versions of songs, so give me your favorites! So far all I have are the original Jingle Bell Rock and obligatory Mariah Carey. Open to both classics and originals, just looking to have a go-to list for getting in the holiday spirit :)

    2. Angstrom*

      Harry Belafonte did a Christmas album. Gorgeous voice.
      Other old(literally) favorites include the Christmas albums by the Kingston Trio, the Clancy Brothers, Leon Redbone, and the Chieftans “Bells of Dublin”.
      There’s always Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas” :-)

    4. California Dreamin’*

      If you have an Alexa and Amazon music, if you ask for “Classic Christmas songs” it does a pretty good playlist.
      Here are some classics I like from my own personal playlist: Julie Andrews’s version of The Christmas Song; Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s duet for The Little Drummer Boy; Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses; Do They Know It’s Christmas if you are of the age where’s 80s music provides Maximum Nostalgia for you.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Beach Boys – whole album but some unique ones are Little Saint Nick, Merry Christmas Baby, and Christmas Day.

      Ella Fitzgerald – whole album Ella Wishes You a Swingin’ Christmas, but she has one of my favorite Jingle Bells and Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

      Dean Martin – again, whole Making Spirits Bright album, but his are my favorite Baby It’s Cold Outside and Let It Snow.

      Johnny Mathis – Sleigh Ride, Winter Wonderland, The Christmas Song.

      Frank Sinatra – Christmas Waltz, Jingle Bells, Mistletoe and Holly.

      Bing Crosby – best Silver Bells, Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas, Christmas in Killarney.

      Ronettes – Sleigh Ride.
      Eartha Kitt – Santa Baby.
      Elvis – Blue Christmas, Here Comes Santa Claus.
      Jackson Five – Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Give Love on Christmas Day, Someday at Christmas.
      Darlene Love – Baby Please Come Home.

    9. Chaordic One*

      The Carpenters have had several great Christmas albums through the years., the most recent album, “Christmas Once More,” features remixed versions of previous recordings and some new material from a live concert they performed. When Karen sings, “Little Altar Boy,” it gives me goose bumps.

      Also, “I Believe in Father Christmas,” (the whole album) by Emerson, Lake & Palmer and “December,” by George Winston.

    11. 653-CXK*

      Look for Medieval Christmas music playlists on YouTube. The songs usually range from the 10th to 16th century CE and are a pleasant change (and are certainly relaxing).

      1. CTT*

        Seconding. I made a Christmas playlist this year and named it “Disco Wenceslas” after that extremely groovy version on one of the albums.

    13. dapfloodle*

      Paul James Band: Crazy Little Kitten for Christmas
      James Brown: Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto
      Pearl Bailey: Five Pound Box of Money
      Babs Gonzales: The Be-bop Santa Claus
      The Miracles: Christmas Every Day

    14. scrabster*

      Not music but David Sederis Santaland Diaries or David Rackoff’s Christmas Freud are fun to listen to…

    17. David*

      Ooh yes, I get to put my eccentric love of Christmas (and holiday/winter) music to good use! There are a lot of unoriginal, uninspired, or just plain bad Christmas etc. songs out there, as you’ve seen, and I think that leads many people to dismiss the entire genre out of hand, but they probably shouldn’t – there are some good ones too if you know where to find them.

      Obviously the following all comes with the caveat that you may or may not like it depending on how much your musical tastes align with mine, so take what you like and dismiss what you don’t.

      – Mannheim Steamroller. The GOAT (greatest of all time) of non-generic Christmas music. You want their four classic albums: Christmas (1984), A Fresh Aire Christmas (1988), Christmas in the Aire (1995), and Christmas Extraordinaire (2001). Some of their newer stuff is good too but it’s not quite on the same level.
      – Celtic Woman has done several really good Christmas tracks. My favorite album of theirs is A Christmas Celebration (2006), which includes an absolutely beautiful song called Christmas Pipes (maybe an original of theirs? I’ve never seen anyone else do it), as well as nice upbeat arrangements of Let It Snow and Ding Dong Merrily On High, and a haunting but very pretty version of The Little Drummer Boy. They also released Christmas (2015) which has some nice versions of other traditional carols.
      – The soundtrack from the Peanuts Christmas special, A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi, is an excellent jazz album in its own right, so if you like jazz, this should definitely be on your list. (And if you don’t like jazz, at least give this one a try, you might like it anyway) Some of the songs are based on traditional carols but are dressed up enough to be interesting and fresh anyway; others are entirely original. They’re all great.
      – The Trans-Siberian Orchestra is well known for putting out driving rock holiday songs. A lot of people group them in the same musical “bucket” as Mannheim Steamroller, which is not an unfair comparison, but I find them more narrow – they do one thing, they do a lot of it, and they do it fairly well, but they don’t have the talent for fresh takes on traditional music that Mannheim Steamroller does. Anyway, it’s worth a listen, and if you like their style based on a few songs, there’s a lot of it. I think my favorite song of theirs is First Snow, from the album Christmas Eve and Other stories (1996).
      – A Christmas Festival (1959) by The Boston Pops is a classic because I believe it contains the first, and most famous, public recording of Sleigh Ride. Aside from that, it has various ballet themes and traditional songs performed by an elite orchestra which has a very strong tradition of holiday performances, so it’s definitely worth checking out.
      – Winter Carols (2006) by Blackmore’s Night is probably my pick for the most underappreciated winter/Christmas album in my collection. Blackmore’s Night is less famous than most of the other artists I’m listing here but they really managed to capture a Renaissance-ish sound that works very well for the tracks they recorded on the album. My personal recommendation is their original(?) song Christmas Eve, of which there are five versions on the album in different styles and languages, so you can pick your favorite, but a lot of the other songs are also excellent, a good respite from the typical pop/rock style if that’s what you want.
      – Boogie Woogie Christmas (2004) by The Brian Setzer Orchestra has some nice driving rock arrangements of common songs like Run Rudolph Run (which was written as a companion to Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer in the 1940’s, I believe, but never got quite the same traction) and Jingle Bells. They also did what I think is a brilliant jazz medley of the music from The Nutcracker.
      – Pentatonix is a capella (vocal music only, no instruments) like you’ve never heard a capella. I don’t even like a capella, normally, but they’re on another level. My top recommendation from among their albums would be A Pentatonix Christmas (2016), specifically the tracks O Come All Ye Faithful, White Christmas, Up On the Housetop, and Hallelujah, but they’ve done some other really good songs on several other Christmas albums as well. (White Winter Hymnal is a nice one that isn’t one of the more common holiday songs.)
      – If you like piano music, I can suggest two albums from very talented pianists, both coincidentally released in 1997: A Jon Schmidt Christmas by Jon Schmidt, and The Gift by Jim Brickman. They’re mostly solo piano works but The Gift includes some more richly orchestrated songs. And in particular, Hope Is Born Again from The Gift, a collaboration between Jim Brickman and Point of Grace with orchestral accompaniment, is very near the top of my list of favorite Christmas songs, period. If you want something uplifting, you can’t do better than that.
      – The Muppet Christmas Carol is a movie – a great movie IMO, I would definitely recommend watching it – but its soundtrack can make some nice contributions to a Christmas playlist as well. But you should watch the movie first.
      – One of my favorite versions of Carol of the Bells is the one by David Foster, on The Christmas Album (1993). I’m personally not too enthusiastic about the rest of that album, since it’s mostly pretty typical recordings of classic Christmas songs by pop artists, but you may find something to your liking there.
      – Another one-off: Debbie Gibson’s version of Sleigh Ride, which can be found on A Very Special Christmas 2 (1992). She reinvented it as a swing pop song and I love it. The rest of that album is mostly nothing special IMO, but again, you might find more to like there.
      – One that I was just recently introduced to by a friend: again if you like jazz, check out An Oscar Peterson Christmas (1995). The tracks are all jazz renditions of classic Christmas songs by Peterson’s trio, but they’re really good.
      – Another recent discovery is The Irish Rovers, specifically Merry Merry Time of Year (2011). Their music is very much in the Irish style, so be aware that that’s what you’re getting, but if you’re up for that, I think their Christmas songs are nice and catchy and upbeat.
      – And, last but not for any particular reason, Lindsey Stirling is a modern stage violinist who recently put out the album Snow Waltz (2022), which has some pretty well-done covers of classic songs and a few originals in an orchestral rock style, somewhat between Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Celtic Woman. I also just recently discovered this one but it’s been growing on me.

      If you care, a while ago I did a series of blog posts about my 25 favorite Christmas songs and I made an associated Spotify playlist called “Christmas Song of the Day 2020”. If you have Spotify (and if you can find the playlist… it’s supposed to be public but I’m not sure it comes up in searches), that would give you a good sampler of many of these albums I mentioned.

  55. Other Duties as Assigned*

    If you want something to use as a soundtrack, I recommend the website of the public radio program Folk Alley. They have a special stream of holiday music on their site. Lots of variety.

  56. HannahS*

    Late in the day, but hoping someone can advise.

    I have a relative who is very ill and may die. We have been mostly estranged for many years, and they have no other family (the details are complicated and sad, but I am at peace.) They have told me that I am their sole inheritor and I wpuld be legally their substitute decision maker for medical decisions, if they become unable to make their own choices later. I am going to visit them to wish them well before a risky procedure. What information might be helpful for me to know in the case of their death? I have no idea where their belongings (material or financial) are. They are fairly indigent, but I know they have some financial accounts somewhere. So far I’ve thought of:
    -their medical wishes for end-of-life (thought I know their medical team will talk with them about it)
    -the location of their will
    What other logistics am I missing?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When the time comes, have they made any arrangements or do they have any preferences for their funeral-type things? Cremation vs burial, do they have a church or religious leader they want to lead a service, etc.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Well, and also how they plan to pay for that…
          Maybe they have the money to fund their funeral wishes.
          (I would not be willing to fund it in your place.)

          Depending on the situation, I’ve seen that there is often a span of weeks after a death is official and before the executor has access to the deceased person’s bank accounts. So unless prior steps are taken, the executor has to pay the bills/rent/mortgage with their own money and plan to get paid back later.
          Prior steps I’ve seen, to help bridge that interval, include the executor being given access to accounts before death, the executor being given (early, before death is at hand) enough money to cover expected bills, and a check written and signed early, to be cashed before the death becomes official (not sure if this is kosher but it worked in one instance).
          I’m glad you are at peace with the situation. Sometimes acceptance is the only win.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Good questions!
        Do they have all the legal documents necessary for you to make said decisions? Do you have copies of them?

    2. WellRed*

      Keep in mind they may not have a will. Paperwork, Passwords, access to home. Social Security number. You say they are fairly indigent but your life will be easier if they have some life insurance.

    3. Prawo Jazdy*

      Find out the probate court process in your area. They control the disbursement of the estate.. which will obviously be easier if there is a will.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      Well, and also how they plan to pay for that…
      Maybe they have the money to fund their funeral wishes.
      (I would not be willing to fund it in your place.)

      Depending on the situation, I’ve seen that there is often a span of weeks after a death is official and before the executor has access to the deceased person’s bank accounts. So unless prior steps are taken, the executor has to pay the bills/rent/mortgage with their own money and plan to get paid back later.
      Prior steps I’ve seen, to help bridge that interval, include the executor being given access to accounts before death, the executor being given (early, before death is at hand) enough money to cover expected bills, and a check written and signed early, to be cashed before the death becomes official (not sure if this is kosher but it worked in one instance).
      I’m glad you are at peace with the situation. Sometimes acceptance is the only win.

    5. AnonRN*

      A list of logins and passwords would be really helpful, even if it’s in a sealed envelope in their kitchen drawer or something. Not so much for financial/investment accounts but for their email, the utility company, the code to the electronic lock on the garage, etc. (I know you said they are somewhat indigent, so maybe there aren’t physical locations you’d need to take care of or need to access?). Additionally a list of accounts and debts *would* be really helpful but to my understanding you’d need to be their power or attorney (while living) or executor (after death) to take actions on the accounts, so it’s not that you’d need the logins…it would just help to know what’s out there.

      Any instructions in case they don’t come home from the hospital? Not “legal will” instructions but “need-to-know” for the care of various possessions (plants, pets, vehicles, storage unit bills).

      IANAL and as I recall you’re in Canada so I wouldn’t know the rules anyway but if your relative has the bandwidth it would be helpful if they named you the executor of their will (not just the sole inheritor, as this doesn’t grant “administrative privileges” over accounts). They could also grant you financial power of attorney (so you can act on their behalf while they are still living but incapacitated). They could also *name* you as their health care proxy instead of just saying it will fall to you by default (which is what it sounds like you described). If things change rapidly, sometimes there is less delay in making decisions when the proxy has been explicitly named by the patient, especially if the patient would *not* want extreme measures or additional invasive procedures.

      Seconding what Red Reader said about religious and burial requests. Also is there anyone they would want you to contact if they aren’t doing well (and under what specific circumstances)?

      This all sounds daunting and I’m sorry you and your relative are facing this.

    6. I want fruit cake*

      as many of their financial details – accounts, passwords etc. can they write a will where they are. that will be important

    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      Do they have a lawyer? What banks do they use? Where are their investments? Do they have credit cards? Which ones? What other things do they have to pay for? (internet, cable, etc.) HOWEVER, just because you are the inheritor does not necessarily mean you are the executor. And you do not have to be the executor if you don’t want to be. The court would then appoint one, but that would probably eat most of a small estate. Sorry you are going thru this.

    8. Rick Tq*

      If they are making you sole heir they should add you as co-owner or beneficiary on as many accounts as they know of, especially any life insurance policies. If you are co-owner or beneficiary you will have access to the accounts immediately to pay for final expenses out of the estate. Otherwise you may wait a long time for probate, and some investment houses will drag their feet as long as possible to avoid cashing out accounts.

    9. Emma*

      If they have any life insurance or retirement accounts or other accounts that you’re beneficiary of, info about those (like a statement, or the name of the company). If you’re inheriting the house and the mortgage will still need to be paid, info about that (like the name of the company). Info about utilities accounts (like a statement with the account numbers). Who they would want to be notified if they die.

      Good luck!

  57. *daha**

    Would they want to be an organ donor?
    Are there any friends they would want notified directly?
    Where do they live? Do they have things stored elsewhere?
    Are there pets?

    1. Rainy*

      Talk to your doctor. Seriously. If you have super sweaty hands you probably have some degree of hyperhydrosis, and there’s literally not anything that you can do to “just stop” if your sweat glands are overactive in your hands. You’re going to need some kind of clinical assistance, whether it’s the ultra-powerful clinical hand antiperspirant or botox injections or something else that I don’t know about–so talk to your doctor. This is super normal, lots of people have hyperhydrosis, and there’s help out there but it starts with a doctor visit, because the stuff that works is all going to be by prescription. :)

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