weekend open thread – December 28-29, 2024

by Alison Green on December 27, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. New cat owner*

    I have two kittens — they’re almost five months old, healthy, and bonded (which is why I have two when I only planned to adopt one!). I’ve never had pets as an adult and I have to admit I overthink and worry about things more experienced cat owners in my life do not.

    I’m hoping for some advice on leaving them on their own for ~12 hours, longer than I’m they ever have been or will be any other time I can anticipate. The problem is I agreed to dog sit for a friend months ago, before I had the kittens, and that day is approaching fast. I feel I can’t cancel as this is someone who has done a lot for me, made plans based on my availability, and honestly I’m happy to do it! I’m just so worried about leaving the kittens alone that long. In the last month I’ve mostly not gone home at lunch so they’re on their own while I’m at work (8 hours) and I have cameras so I can check on on them, but this will basically be all afternoon and evening (11am to 11pm). Should I have my brother check in on them at some point? Am I worrying for nothing? I love my babies so much and I just want to be a good steward for their happy lives. :)

    I would also love to hear your favorite cat enrichment toys/ideas!

    1. Double A*

      You are absolutely worrying for nothing. I have to be gone for more than 48 hours before I’ll even consider calling in a sitter (with exceptions for when I’ve had cats that have special needs in their old age). Healthy, young cats who have each other to keep entertained? You could push it to a 3 day weekend if you’re sure their water and food is set.

            1. Meri*

              You can always put any items you are worried about into one room and close the door to keep them out of that room. Except if they have learned to open doors. (Some cats do.)

        2. New cat owner*

          Haha yes, thanks for saying that! I can’t believe I ever intended to only take one, both because I can’t imagine choosing between them and they are so good at entertaining each other!

          1. tenor eleven*

            It’s so good to have two cats, they keep each other entertained. They’ll be perfectly fine for 12 hours. p.s. They’re very lucky to have you.

      2. Scout Finch*

        They will be fine (keep toilet lid closed at all times).
        My wonderful MIL adopted a cat, but couldn’t read the newspaper (or do anything else) without locking herself in another room. She adopted his brother. They buddied up & she reclaimed her living room to do living room things in.

      3. Dontbeadork*

        And litter. Cleaning the litter is why we have someone come in when we’re gone overnight. They scoop the litter, check to see everyone still has food and clean water and maybe pick up a couple of books or whatever that has been knocked to the floor.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      If you really need to for your own mental health, or the kittens need food or medicine at a specific time, sure, have your brother come by! But if they’re okay with those things it’s fine to let them entertain each other/sleep while you dogsit.

    3. Jellyfish Catcher*

      I’ve had rescue cats, for decades, all adults, 2 at a time.
      I worked 4 nines, plus commute, so gone 10+ hours.
      They were fine, left with food, water, toys, cat beds. I did close off some rooms.

      My greeting with them when coming home was :”gee, did you notice that I was gone today?”

      1. New cat owner*

        Hahaha, yes, I agonized about leaving them every morning until I got cameras and realized they weren’t exactly mourning me! My brother’s cat is VERY needy and codependent and actually does “cry” when he leaves, but she is definitely an outlier, I’m learning!

    4. Former Foster*

      You are worrying because you care and that’s not nothing. It’s awesome that you want to provide them with an optimal environment. Food puzzles are a great option for enrichment, check out Food Puzzles For Cats (I’ll put the link in a separate reply).

      I will note for other readers that feline behaviorists advise against leaving cats alone for an entire weekend; they recommend someone check on them at least once every 24 hours.

      2. New cat owner*

        Thank you! I will look out for that link. I got them a food puzzle but I think it was a bit too complicated for their age because they didn’t engage with it much. Would definitely be interested in trying simpler ones for the time being!

        1. NorthernTeacher*

          A no cost alternative is cutting a couple of small holes in a toilet paper roll and putting a few treats or some dry food inside. Pushing the ends inwards will prevent the treats from coming out easily. Our cat Mo can solve the store bought puzzle in seconds, but the toilet roll takes awhile as he pushes it around. Though last week he tore it apart. So, it’s a matter of time before this becomes his default solution.

          1. AnReAr*

            After watching a Jackson Galaxy video I was able to make a puzzle toy out of the top of a shoebox with a few toilet paper rolls and paper towel rolls cut into smaller cylinders hot glued to it. My food focused boy loved it for his nightly treats, but it did get torn up and had to be thrown out after a month. The other one was also extremely interested but his brother wouldn’t let him play. Other downside was it was hard/impossible to clean, got grease stains when I tried to use his normal food in it.

            But it was a good test for if he’d be interested, so I didn’t worry about if I’d wasted my money when I got a plastic dishwasher safe food puzzle.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      They would be absolutely fine for this stretch of time.

      Someone local makes long triangular catnip mice and sells them at my vet, proceeds to the local animal shelter. The mice are about six inches long, which is much better for wrestling for my lame cat.

      1. New cat owner*

        I’m definitely going to get them more catnip toys! They really like their Yeowww banana and pineapple.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We have two about that age. My husband is their primary caretaker and if he travels for work, I won’t even see them for the most part if I don’t actively go looking for them to check on them; they stay in his basement and entertain themselves.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m allergic to cats but I’m a fan of the ones who live with others. For an enrichment toy I recommend something I posted about in a recent thread, a miniature camping tent sold by REI specifically for cats. I gifted one to my brother and sister-in-law and their kitten loves it. I’m including the link in a reply.

      2. Mzcatt*

        I’m going to take a different approach. I’ve had cats all of my adult life, and I’ve never had a situation where I left a cat for that long time or even a pair of cats. I think it’s a good idea to have your brother check on them – They probably won’t get into any trouble but they could get into a place where they’re not supposed to go or get hurt or whatever.
        Especially kittens, it might not be used to all the things they might find in your home. And I think it’s somewhat of a mess. The cats don’t bond with people – all of our cats have always bonded pretty closely to us and at times where we’ve had to be away for long days in a row it’s definitely affected them.

        1. anectoad*

          Our cats are quite bonded to us and we’re perfectly fine with leaving them for 24 hours (if it’s 48 we have someone look in on them briefly for food/water/litterbox reasons: in fact we just got back from such a trip and now our boys are hanging out under the coffee table while we’re in the living room). The way that we minimize the likelihood of them getting hurt or getting into a place where they’re not supposed to go is that when we are not home (including for things like going to work or the grocery store) each cat is closed up in a bedroom (one is in our bedroom and one is in the spare bedroom). So there are no toilets or poisons or stove burners or whatever to be concerned about since we keep the bedrooms as safe environments for them already. Of course, everyone has different comfort levels with pets though and I don’t think either yours or mine are harmful.

    8. Turtle Dove*

      I think they’ll be fine on their own for 12 hours (with toilet lids down and maybe a few rooms closed off, as others have suggested). We often leave our two cats alone for that long when we take day trips. Ours are seniors (both 17.5 years old), so that part is different. I do understand your anxiety! I miss my cats and figure they miss us too, but we’re all okay.

      I recently bought my two old guys a fun toy that your kittens might enjoy. My brother demonstrated it with his cat, and I was sold. It’s a standard wand toy with dangly bits on one end, but it’s attached to a (rechargeable) motorized base. Very cool! Both of my cats like it, to my surprise. On Amazon it’s sold by Oxawo as “Interactive Cat Toys Cat Exercise Tumbler, Rechargeable Cat Toys for Indoor Cats Spin Butterfly Game Teasing Kitty, Extra Long Feather Wand”.

    9. tabloidtainted*

      As long as they will have access to food and water during that time, 12 hours is no big deal. I wouldn’t leave them for much longer without a check in, but 12 hours is very normal and they’ll be just fine.

    10. Shiny Penny*

      I can understand your concern, because I’m a cautious critter keeper, too.
      Also, you have teenager cats, and teens are known to come up with new weird ideas/activities, so that’s a point in the Concern Column. But they are used to being safely left in that same environment for 8 hours routinely, a point in the No Big Deal column. For adult cats you’ve had in the same environment for years, going from 8 hours to 12 would be smooth and easy.
      But! Teens!
      Here’s a key question: when you come home from work, do you usually have a big play session daily? If yes, I would personally ask a friend/brother to go at that time and have a play session and wear the kitties out. Otherwise they are more likely to invent their own games at that time of day, which ups the odds of destruction or injury.
      Critters (especially teens!) need a target **that you design/choose** for predicable energy surges, in my experience. Trouble happens when the humans fail to predict energy surges, and fail to provide a safe/interesting target. Your teens are still inventing how they will be in the world, so I would err on the side of helping them make decisions/form habits that will make all your lives better going forward.
      It’s so much easier to prevent problems, than design successful remediation training…

    11. Dontbeadork*

      Crinkly toys are just as fun for the cats as catnip kickers.

      You might look at the Cheerble wicked mouse or wicked ball M3. Our lot love them. Put it in play and rest mode and it should last them the entire time you’re unavailable.

      One thing that you’ll want to consider is putting toddler locks on cabinets where you store any sort of cleaning supplies or other toxic materials. Even if they aren’t doing it yet, lots of cats learn to open cupboards and cabinets and don’t read the warning labels.

    12. KR*

      Not only will they be ok, I would honestly recommend doing this to get them used to you occasionally going away so they know that you’ll always come back again.

    13. Abundant Shrimp*

      I also had my first cats later in life (and they weren’t even my cats, my college-age son lived with me and his then-gf and he got two kittens on a shared-custody basis). I was working in-office full time when they dropped the kittens off at my place. The kittens were maybe 2 months old. I had to go to work anyway. My office was 20ish miles away so there was no way I could come check on them during the work day. My mom came by in the afternoon to check on them. I also went out on weekends. They were fine! Yours will be too. Just (FME) keep all the toilet lids down to be safe. (One of my kittens kept trying to drown himself in toilets. He outgrew it by age 1 or so.)

      Mine also destroyed my living room curtain that my mom had hand-sewed for me. We were all home, too! I walked into the room to find them both climbing up the curtain. They were almost up to the top. Sadly, the claw holes could not be fixed and curtain went into the trash. My point being, unlike old cats, kittens are curious critters and will get into anything. But they’ll do it whether you’re home or not, so no worries I guess? lol Good luck!

  3. Valancy Stirling*

    Anti-procrastination thread! What are you very happy to push off till next week?

    (I know I usually do procrastination threads. I physically can’t bring myself to do anything right now, so let’s give it a twist.)

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Dealing with making my apartment comfy enough so I can really live there happily again. I gotta finish up grading first!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        GRADING. Students turned in a story assignment right before the break and I know I’ll regret putting it off but I don’t wanna

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Ugh, more grocery shopping/cooking. Managed to juggle our holiday leftovers and pizza to get us through the weekend (we have to pack lunches to take to work, so no quickie “soup and sandwich” stuff for Sat/Sun.)

    3. Sparkly Librarian*

      I didn’t tidy my kid’s room in the day and a half she was gone and I was home, and I’m not going to until we all get back from our trip next week. I DO have to pack for that trip, though — both for her and for me.

    4. H.C.*

      Opening all my holiday gifts & packages – though I’d like to think of it as a charity to my apartment complex (our collective garbage bin is overflowing with holiday scraps & packaging)

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Our trash chute was backed up to the third floor on the 24th. And that was before everybody tore into the presents.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I really needed to finish cleaning — I started, but inertia kept me from finishing. Christmas morning was very bright and sunny after a couple of days of snow, so I made French toast, watched A Christmas Story, then took advantage of the light to finish up the apartment. I even scrubbed the tub and did the floors!

      Of course I forgot the inside of the refrigerator. No one’s perfect. ;)

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      All of the work projects that popped up yesterday and today can be started next week. So I’m doing that.

      1. BellaStella*

        Same. I took Teams off my phone last week and tho I did have to spend 5 min in email yesterday seeing if a person replied to times for a call, she did not and while in there saw a few teams msgs, just ignored them. Am on holiday stop trying to reach me, ugh!

    8. acmx*

      Grocery shopping ugh I hate doing it. Oh but there’s a new Publix to make it better lol

      Otherwise, I’ve been on vacation and working on projects! Including painting where I just broke out the roller and started. Didn’t properly prep but I knew if I did is never get it done lol

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Grocery shopping at Publix is so much better than anywhere else, hopefully that will elevate the experience!

        1. acmx*

          It did! It’s a slightly fancier Publix (not one with a Pour unfortunately) and it’s not as busy as the ones nearer to me.

    10. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Taking inventory of my pantry and freezers (like many a midwesterner, I have a second freezer). They are so disorganized and I have no idea what’s in them. I finally chose an app to track their contents, so this is the weekend I finally enter everything into it. Also cleaning up a corner of the basement that I have been ignoring.

      2. Not That Jane*

        Ooh I want to know this magical app too. We have two fridges & two freezers and I am constantly losing things & buying more!

      3. Esprit de l'escalier*

        There’s a neat locator app called Scanlily — you take pictures of your stuff, it stores the picture and location (plus info about the item if publicly available), and then you find your stuff. It works for all kinds of objects, like your books and tools and food items and whatnot.

    11. Part time lab tech*

      Finding a place for the miscellaneous boxes and objects around the house. And my physio exercises.

    12. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I got a new duvet and I’m really putting off getting the old one off the bed and taking it to recycling. Way too much work!

      (Also the cat is asleep on it and you don’t argue with the cat)

      1. Pennyworth*

        Can you fold your old duvet and put it into a large cushion cover so your cat can keep sleeping on it?

    13. Generic Name*

      I mean to go hiking on the 26th, but I was just exhausted so took a nap and rotted in front of the tv all day. Stayed in jammies all day. :)

    14. dapfloodle*

      Figuring out whether a car’s tires just need additional air or more care, including possible replacement (the vehicle that’s normally driven is a different one).

    1. Tradd*

      Being on vacation from Tuesday. Go back Jan 2. So nice just vegging. Having a few long visits with friends. Reading a lot.

      1. allathian*

        I’ve been on vacation all this week. Back to work on Monday. My husband got sick last weekend, so we had a very low key Christmas just the three of us, especially given that the adults in my family stopped exchanging presents a few years ago.

        I love my extended family dearly, but the relief when I realized we didn’t have to prep and host Christmas dinner after all was indescribable. I really needed a week off doing nothing much.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Going to my oldest daughter’s for Christmas. We stayed at a hotel but went there for meals. It’s nice when your children get old enough to host you.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      Watching my granddaughter (age 3) and my great-niece (age not quite 5) decorate the gingerbread houses I baked and assembled for them, then watching their moms take over the decorating when the girls got tired of it and went to play with toys in the living room. Proof positive that there is no age limit when it comes to enjoying gingerbread and sugar!

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        My kids are both in their 20s and they had a ball decorating a gingerbread house. It was adorable.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s so cool! I saw a fox running along on apparently important fox business the other day.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Someone wants to use an old piece I wrote for a class they’re teaching! It feels good to know that someone actually read it and actually finds it useful.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My kid came home yesterday and requested brisket, latkes and applesauce for Hanukkah dinner. Our kitchen is still oily and my heart is happy.

    8. Retired-ish*

      Having all three of our adult children home for three days

      Having my eldest son work with me on one of those wooden models. We’ve had a dicey relationship in the past but we heartily enjoyed working together on this one.

      My new trekking poles and lighted cap! I’ve been really working hard on the 10,000-steps-a-day thing, until the time change and darkness set in. These gifts (from my kids), have helped me immensely.

    9. FACS*

      both of the sons being home for a week and watching them put together a 2300+ piece Lego space shuttle. It comes with its own Hubble telescope! All in one day.

    10. RagingADHD*

      1) I somehow managed to get the matching Christmas jammies done on time, and they’re adorable.

      2) My kids gave me a new kind of puzzle book called Murdles, which are logic puzzles based around funny mini detective stories. Very fun.

    11. Middle Aged Lady*

      Christmas dinner with friends followed by a couple of days lazing around the house, eating leftovers and listening to music.

    12. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I have spent so much time this week organizing and I’m tired but it feels GOOD. There’s been a box of random stuff in the dining room for 2.5 years because the stuff had nowhere to go and NOW IT DOES. Mostly :D

    13. PhyllisB*

      I may have posted this last week, but I finished my Goodreads challenge of 130 books. In fact, I’ll exceed it by three.

    14. Abundant Shrimp*

      Christmas day with my kids. We no longer celebrate, but I had the day off. They are 31 and 29, one lives with his dad for now and the other on his own, 20ish minutes from me. We all went on a hike and then got Chinese takeout and went to my place for dinner. It was such a good time. Somehow despite all mistakes their dad and I and my parents made raising them, we all ended up being a close and supportive family and I love it.

  5. Tradd*

    Podcasts! I love BBC Radio from here in the US and BBC Radio 4 has a 5 part podcast (about 15 min each part) called the Dead of Winter. Done by the author of the book by the same name that looks into the ghostly and scary Christmas customs from the past. Fascinating. On the BBC Sounds website.

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      For anyone with access to BBC Sounds who wants spooky audio for the season, Radio 4 has a few readings of Shirley Jackson stories, under the name Dark Tales by Shirley Jackson.

      1. Tradd*

        Access to BBC Sounds is not restricted to just those in the UK. It’s worldwide. Their app is excellent. If you like current affairs podcasts, their Americast podcast is fabulous as a UK take on US politics/events. I’m an Anglophile, so I also enjoy Newscast, which has a UK focus.

    2. Quitting Timely*

      Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet (read funny reviews)
      And That’s Why We Drink (true crime/paranormal)
      I Hate It Here (great HR pod)
      Just Break Up (relationship advice column type)

      1. Fickle Pickle*

        Love And That’s Why We Drink! Also I’ll Equipped History, Ghostly (a skeptic and a believer talk about a haunted location) and Tales From the Breakroom (weird stuff that happens at work).

    4. Goldfeesh*

      I just recently found I’ve Had It. It’s two middle-aged (?) Oklahoman women discussing petty grievances and politics. It’s something fun to listen to anyway. One podcast I’ve enjoyed for years is Truth and Justice- an ex-fire chief looks at possible wrongful convictions, each case being a season.

  6. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun question with no stakes: if you could safely cuddle with any animal (no trauma or lashing out from either you or it) what would you pick?

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      Golden retriever or lab puppy for sure. Big cat kitten (leopard, lion, cheetah) for the thrill!

    2. RMNPgirl*

      That’s a difficult one because there are so many!
      Most any baby animal, bears, any big cat but especially a cheetah, otters, beavers.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Definitely one of the big cats – maybe a snow leopard for extra fluffiness, but a cougar would also be very cool.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Side note: I actually did get to pet a rhinoceros and a wart hog. They were juveniles, kept together as companions at the wildlife preserve in Kenya where they had been rescued, and until they were old enough to rejoin their cousins in the wild they got to have photo-ops with the visitors. Petting them was… pretty much like petting very warm and bumpy rocks, so not exactly cuddly, but it was interesting.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Capybara, though they’re probably safe enough. I saw one at the Tucson Zoo years ago and nearly lost my mind, but I’ve never snuggled one and I would really like to. <3

      I WILL NOT do those animal photo op encounters. Someone had a booth with a sloth and a little monkey at Fan Expo this year and it infuriated me that they brought the poor things into such a noisy, overcrowded place.

      Come to think of it, I'd cuddle a monkey too.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        If I win the lottery, I may just start a capybara ranch. They are pretty chill animals, love hanging out, and love being in the water.

    9. Slinky*

      Polar bear! They look so cute and fuzzy, but could only be safely cuddled in exactly this hypothetical.

    13. Not A Manager*

      Well, I would pick an octopus. I’d love to interact with something that thinks with its whole body.

    16. Jean (just Jean)*

      Great question! I think I’d pick a ring-tailed lemur (the animal represented by Uncle Julian in “Madagascar” and sequel [sequels?]) because I love the outlines around their eyes!
      Sadly, my imagination can’t quite accept the idea of a safe cuddle with any wild animal.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Definitely NOT recommending this in real life! All this takes place in a Platonic Utopia.

        1. Engineer Gal*

          But you can safely pet a ring tailed lemur! And I have! Their fur is unbelievably soft.

          In Madagascar people sometimes have lemurs as pets-there’s a place called Lemur Island for abandoned pet lemurs-you can hold and pet several types of lemurs (with an attendant bribing them with fruit but still amazing)

          Would recommend Madagascar highly-it’s truly magical.

      1. Lab rat*

        That’s the same as a Pallas cat, right? That was my first choice too! They’re just so fluffy and grumpy looking.

      2. Can't Sit Still*

        Yes! I want to pet one in full winter coat, too. So fluffy! So angry! So ready to expeditiously remove your hand from their person by any means necessary.

    29. Anima*

      I really really want to pet my shrimp, even if it’s just once. They are so delicate! The most I got is some sitting on my hand by accident when sorting their tank out.

      1. Anima*

        Oh, I want to pet them once and they *survive it*! I am not squishing my shrimp just because someone on a forum asked a good question. >.<

    32. FACS*

      Nonfiction recommendation is The Boys in the Boat about the 1936 US Olympic 8 man rowing team. My sons each devoured it in a day after I did.

      2. Jackalope*

        I’m sure this was misposted, but I like imagining that FACS and her sons are waiting at the end of the race that the Boys in the Boat did to give them celebratory ear scritches.

    34. The OG Sleepless*

      Ooh, fun question. Either an otter, or a bison calf. I love cows and I want to scratch one on the top of its fuzzy head where its horns are going to grow.

    35. Bluebell Brenham*

      I would love to give a little skritch to the coyotes that appear in the conservation land behind my home. Their fur looks so soft. For pure weird value, baby platypus would be very cool.

    43. Dontbeadork*

      Do we have to choose just one? Or can we just cuddle one of every mammal?

      If just one, I’m torn between a Snow Leopard and a Margay cat.

    46. Geriatric Rocker*

      I’ve patted a couple of cheetahs, washed a Komodo dragon, and snuggled a variety of snakes.

        1. Geriatric Rocker*

          Zoo I used to work at had a young male Komodo that was being desensitised to handling by keepers, vets, etc, and one of the methods was to bathe him, which he loved. One of his keepers asked if I would like to help out and I jumped at it.

  7. Weekend Warrior*

    Planner enthusiasts!

    Last week I posted that I tried to plant fun things like poems, jokes, movie/book suggestions, etc., on future dates in my weekly planner to rediscover down the road.

    What are some other fun ideas to enrich our planners? I’m not a decorator so I tend to use text ideas but am interested to hear about graphic ideas too! I do retro fill my dates with a few points or observations about the day so the planner is a log as well as a forward looking tool.*

    *Really, really wish I’d done this more with my work planners so that I didn’t just have a log of meetings, reports, projects, and strategic plans at the end of a long career. It’s the little details and not the dry reports that bring the memories back. Wish I’d mentioned more madeleines along the way! #retirementinsights #maybeapostfortheFridaythread

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      Forgot to mention the simplest “enriching” idea I got this week from the Organized Money youtuber. Leave my planner open on my desk so I see it first thing. :) :)

      I did this naturally with my work planner (paper and then digital) but haven’t been doing it
      consistently with my personal home planner for some reason. And so I’d start my day without checking in with what I’d carefully planned and entered!

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        This really helps! I bought a small rolling cart that I pull next to my desk every morning. It has my personal planner, my daily to-do list (non-work) and my beverage. It also makes it easier to jot down random to-dos that pop up during the day.

    3. Le le lemon*

      1. I literally have been thinking over the past hour, about how I need to insert recipes into my calendar for throughout the year. E.g. I came across a great rhubarb recipe – it’s summer here – I should pop it onto a winter weekend!

      2. I once had a job whereby they wanted me to work weekends/I didn’t, so I typed something into my phone’s calendar for every weekend – random things “beach weekend”, “pottery course”, “Friends staying for weekend”, “grandma’s bday” etc – so that the excuse was always ready. It did also inspire me to do beach weekends, courses, catch ups, etc.

      3. During lockdown, every time I thought, “sigh, I wish I could X”, I’d write out the whole activity/day trip, and pop it into a jar. Once lockdowns were over, I would just pull out a slip and that were my weekend plans. It was far more helpful to have details in advance “drive to Great Ocean Road, 3hrs. Stop at cafe X for famed vanilla slice, walk route Y, (etc etc etc)”, rather than wrack my brain for inspo if the slip had said “road trip/beach”.

          1. Le le lemon*

            I’m not partial to a vanilla slice, but I have a friend in Melbourne who’s favourite thing in summer is to road trip to country towns, stop at every bakery along the way, and find the best vanilla slice!
            I will always sing the praise of Gumnut Patisserie if you’re in Bowral/Mittagong NSW.

        2. acmx*

          I, too, like these.

          I have a weekly calendar planner that I use for upcoming appointments/events and I make notes of things that happened that I might need to track (something with my dog or my health etc).

          I’m thinking of incorporating a vision board in mine (although magazines are pretty expensive nowadays lol).

          Curious about your work idea Weekend Warrior if you decide to make a Friday post.

    4. mreasy*

      I love stickers in general and a planner is always a great place to put the good ones…since I’ll be using it all year! I also like to keep a sheet of postage stamps in the back pocket of the planner so I always have them and know where they are.

    5. Bike Walk Barb*

      Rubber stamps would be fun and easy. You could pick a theme that makes you happy, or ones that suggest fun activities or memories when you see them. Ones you can color when you get to that day if you have time, maybe?

      Second the suggestion of stickers from mreasy as another fun thing to play with while you’re putting them in, and then fun to encounter.

  8. RMNPgirl*

    Fun New Years resolutions?
    I saw something about people doing fun ones like eating all the different pasta shapes or eating every new fruit they came across.
    Anyone have plans to do something like that?
    I think mine will be trying a new restaurant every couple weeks in my city since I just moved here in August.

    1. H.C.*

      Being more of a tourist in/around my city, which was partly fueled from the peak-pandem days when any sort of travel was more of a hassle – that inspired me to check out more of fun, local (& often low-cost/free) attractions that I can do on evenings after work, in a daytrip or over a weekend.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ooh, me too. I haven’t done nearly as much of it as I wanted thanks to knee surgery last year, getting Covid, and then getting laid off.

      2. TargetControlSystem*

        My city has this amazing opportunity for volunteers and workers in the tourism industry. I volunteer at my local museum. It’s a passport type scheme that for one month, you get to visit any tourist spot in the region with a friend for free (museums, tourist adventures, art galleries, etc.) and if you collect enough “stamps” in your tourism “passport,” you get annual passes to everything. So amazing and fun.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I love this idea! I tried to go to our newly renovated aquarium on my birthday but it was way too crowded. I’ll try again on a random weekday when it may be a little less nuts trying to get inside.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I have basically stopped hiking because I’m bored of the close/easy/familiar trails and trying to find a new one usually feels like too much of a mental load for me, so I think trying to find time to research more options would be a good one for me.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Love All Trails and always amused by the difference in reviews. “Easy trail!” says one. “Bit of a slog and scramble” says another…

          1. Bluebell Brenham*

            My favorite use for AllTrails is to check out how buggy a walk is. (Actual bugs, not just small problems)

    3. Harlowe*

      Ten types of produce per day is one of mine. It feels more tangible/measurable than just “eat healthier.”

    4. Office Chinchilla*

      My resolution last year was to “appreciate more cat bleps.” So now every time my cat bleps, I pause and tell her I appreciate her.

      (For non-cat people: a “blep” is when a cat’s tongue is just slightly sticking out, like they forgot to put it back. It doesn’t bother them or indicate anything wrong; it’s simply a cute thing cats do.)

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        There was a compilation of “attainable resolutions” on some site like Cracked maybe a decade or more ago and one of them was a stock image of a woman throwing her hands exuberantly in the air captioned “just go out and start eating cheese” and that really spoke to me, lol

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I took a social media break after the election and started reaching out directly to the people I found I missed. Turns out phone calls and text exchanges are much more satisfying to me than anything I see on FB or Instagram, and it turns out many of my friends feel the same way.

    6. Jackalope*

      I’ve been working on drawing for the last couple of years, and have made a lot of progress, but I am still too nervous to draw people. So that’s a goal for this year: learn to draw humans, or at least human faces.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Take a class

        I recently started a basic drawing class through a local art gallery. It’s been fun and apparently I can draw

    7. Quitting Timely*

      I just moved back to my hometown and thus once more have access to my favorite treat: red bean buns. I am trying all of them. I should note this is a major metro area with a large Asian population (from all over) so there are a ton of different shops and styles to try. I am tasting them all and blogging about it by writing down my impression in one sentence or less and giving each a star rating. Absolutely useless except to maybe one or two other people in the world but so much fun. I’ve hit up four places already so far and I’ve only been back a few weeks.

    8. LivesinaShoe*

      I have two cookbooks I’d love to work through – maybe if I make a list of how many recipes there are I could plan them for the year.

    9. TargetControlSystem*

      My resolution for many years was – and is – to try one new sport or hobby each season. Went down to each year recently because I’ve tried a LOT of stuff. I found a few things that really stuck, so I’m grateful and having a ball. I’ve expanded into learning beyond sports and hobbies…usually taking a course in something I’m not familiar with, such as a language, or volunteering at an event for an unfamiliar cause.

      The thing that made this work is that I didn’t pressure myself into doing things I dreaded or sticking with things I found I didn’t like. So my commitment was only to learn just enough of the basics and finish what I “signed up” for, often a class, workshop, or some new learned activity while travelling.

      I finally turned one thing I dreaded for years into an accomplishment this year – acting lessons – for which I had zero interest and even less desire to be in the spotlight. I was right – I despise acting. But I learned some things I can apply elsewhere and went with a friend who really wanted to try it but was too nervous to try it alone. Success!

    10. ElastiGirl*

      I love New Year’s resolutions. I use them to do things I want to do rather than to scold myself.

      13 years ago I made the best New Year’s resolution of my life: I resolved to have lunch with a friend every week. That resolution gave me permission, as an introvert, to reach out to people I didn’t know well. Over the years, I’ve done far more than 1/week (last year I had 132 lunches, dinners etc), I’ve developed and deepened wonderful friendships, I’ve met new people, and I have people asking if they can get on my lunch list (as an introvert, this is still a bit shocking to me).

      Best New Year’s resolution ever! Highly recommended!

    12. Can't Sit Still*

      I’m planning to knit a temperature scarf. That’s one row of knitting every day if I stay on top of it. Since I live in a very temperate climate, I think I’m going to have to break my range down to 3-4 degrees per color, or I’ll have a very boring scarf!

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’ve been meaning to start up a monthly coffee-with-girlfriends gathering. I started this in the town I lived in for many years and it ran for over 10 years while I was there. I handed off the email list to one of the participants and they kept it going for a few more years. This question is a good prompt for me to finish my research to find coffee places that can handle a big group that hangs out a while.

    15. Almost Academic*

      I decide on a 1-word theme for each year, and try to focus my year on that. Some years are more successful than others, but it’s helpful for me as a way to set intentions in my life. I’m super excited for this year, my theme is “dilettante!” – there are a ton of things on my “get to someday” list that I don’t particularly want to be great at, but would love to improve a little on or have a tiny amount of knowledge or skill in. So I’m picking one each month and throwing myself into it, but only for the month to see if I like it and/or overcome my fears. So far on my list I have puzzles, singing (karaoke song), embroidery, learning basic thai, learning basic korean, curling, and writing (probably NaNoWriMo). Not sure about the rest of the year yet but I’m looking forward to dabbling around!

    16. Geriatric Rocker*

      Every year I do the Agatha Christie read a book a month challenge. Last year, er this year, what date is is again??, the theme was Decades; the coming year it’s Occupations.

  9. GoryDetails*

    I adore Grendel’s monster-snuffling/growling! I’ve had cats that made a wide variety of noises, but never that one.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes — we were told he has scar tissue from multiple untreated upper respiratory infections before he was rescued. But interestingly, he seems to now use the noises to communicate, primarily to greet us/other cats and also to say “this is very interesting to me.” (I realize those could just be the moments when he’s sniffing deeply, but he seems to use them with specific intent.)

        1. RLC*

          That is both delightful and impressive that he’s incorporated his special sound into his general vocabulary.
          We had a shelter-rescue British Shorthair who made a similar (quieter) version of Grendel’s sound; she had an upper respiratory infection before we adopted her.

    3. Jill Swinburne*

      My cat makes similar noises – has done ever since he had a bout of cat flu a few years ago. Doesn’t use it to communicate though, that’s pretty hilarious!

    4. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I played the video twice and my kitty came over to the screen, nodded sagely and wandered off.

      So, err, I guess Grendel was being very profound in a specific cat dialect.

  10. Seeking Second Childhood*

    It looks like I will finally have my shoulder repaired in a couple of months. If any if you have done this –especially without another adult in the house–what tips & tricks & tools helped you through recovery?

    Bonus question — are there any cars that have all the important levers on one side? I got into my push-button start car after the orthopedist said no right hand motion, and realized I can’t go from park to drive left-handed!

    1. Tradd*

      Not shoulder surgery, but I had some gynie stuff over the summer. Grocery delivery is absolutely necessary. Get comfy with text to speech on your phone/tablet. Makes things so much easier than using one hand.

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Although I learned how to take minutes typing with one hand on the laptop, I Do Not Recommend it. It was not fun and I don’t plan to break my wrist again.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Pay attention to the things you do with two arms, maybe without thinking about it. Like if you have to jostle and push.

      When I had surgery on both sides of my chest I had T rex arms, and in that case needed to make sure I didn’t need to get anything out of an upper cabinet. With one arm working, you probably can’t pick up anything at all heavy or awkward, like a large plate or something from the topmost shelf.

      Also this is the time for food you can microwave with one arm, like premade stuff from the grocery store.

      1. Great Frogs of Literature*

        Make sure you can open/shut your front door one-handed — ours can be stiff (need to push or pull the door handle with free hand) and my wife had so much trouble with it when she sprained her wrist. It got to the point where I’d just come down to shut the door for her when she left for work, because she couldn’t hold the door in place to latch it.

    3. Beatrice*

      I didn’t have the same surgery, but my shoulder/arm were affected by a few conditions in the last decade. I live alone and couldn’t call on other people to help with everyday tasks.

      I can’t answer the car question but hope somebody else can!

      Here are some suggestions based on my experience:
      * plan for everything to be done at waist height with one hand only
      * use a clothes-airer instead of clothesline
      * don’t try to wear pullover clothing including bras
      * if you must wear a bra, invest in front-closure types (some post-surgery bra styles are great if you can’t find any through regular brands)
      * get as many zip-up or easy button-up shirts as you can
      * if you expect to need anything stored above your head, get it down now and put it where you can easily access it
      * if you have always used both hands to manage your hair, experiment now with just the one hand so you have time to work something out if needed (I had long hair and had to make a lot of adjustments to washing it and putting it up with one hand)
      * work out how you’ll keep track of medications ahead of time so you can keep up with pain relief in the first few days after you get home
      * organise really easy food and drinks and snacks
      * plan cooking around doing tasks with one hand only including lifting pans and coordinating lids, colanders etc
      * get some cups or mugs with lids especially if your surgery will impact your dominant hand
      * don’t expect yourself to do the same level of cleaning and housework as when you had both shoulders functioning well
      * if you habitually lift heavy items, try to put them away or in a different place until you have recovered (including vacuum cleaners, laundry hampers)
      * get some extra pillows and cushions so you can support the shoulder in bed and in different chairs
      * do what you can to complete any rehab exercises given to you by your medical team – if you don’t have a physiotherapist as part of the team, get some recommendations and find one to work with you post-surgery

      1. Nightengale*

        specifically related to food

        if you use a manual can opener (I do) pre-open cans
        jar opener thing that clamps on and makes the lid easier to turn
        storage containers you can open one handed

      2. Middle Aged Lady*

        All of these are great. Re: pillows and cushions: I needed a variety of widths and sizes to stay comfortable. Sometimes a pillow, sometimes a rolled-up washcloth, handtowel, or bath towel. Prep them beforehand and secure them with rubber bands. And I needed something to prop my arm on as well as my shoulder.
        Don’t try to do too much with your good arm, because it’s going to get very tired. Take it easy, as others have said.

      3. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Also, put a paper plate down when doing anything with food or drink. You will drop stuff. Yes, you will be careful. You will still drop stuff. :)

    4. Squidhead*

      When my husband had a shoulder repair he was in a bulky padded sling for a couple of months. Honestly I would say while the sling was in place it simply wasn’t safe for him to drive: he couldn’t use the steering wheel correctly, he had very limited upper body range of motion and neck motion (too hard to check blind spots etc), plus he was still requiring narcotic pain medication. And *he* was allowed to use his hand (encouraged to do grip exercises etc) just not his shoulder. So I’m not trying to be a downer but I’d focus on solutions for finding alternate transportation :(

      Things we found challenging (I, an adult, was around but still working outside the house): opening jars (get someone else to break the seal unless you can sit and grip it with your thighs), spreading butter/jam (put the bread in a rimmed bowl/tray so it can’t slide around), any kind of pullover shirt (he could carefully slide the arm through the sleeve of a button down and we also just cut the side seam of a bunch of T-shirts so he could be mostly covered), keeping the armpit dry in the summer (dry washcloths), showering (cheap drugstore sling that could get wet, plus partial assistance with washing hair and drying off), sneezing was agony so he tried to avoid allergens, lying down was very uncomfortable so he slept in a pillow nest on the couch. Granted, he had an acute injury that preceded the surgery so we had none of these adaptations in place prior to the injury. You’ve probably figured out some work-arounds already if your range of motion is limited. Best wishes for a good recovery!

    5. Anono-me*

      Get a bare nail mani pedi just before the procedure.
      Switch all your medications to easy open lids (prescription meds and otcs like cold medicine and antacids)
      If your budget allows, get a rumba type vacum or vacum and mop combo that you can operate one handed.
      Get an electric can opener and lots of canned foods. (Jars will be a PITA. )
      Get big shampoo and liquid bath soap jugs with pump dispensers
      Get a bamboo shower mat. They are easier to clean under.
      Get after shower spray cleaner. Spray down the shower afterwards, but also the toilet bowl and bathroom sink.
      If the surgery is on your dominant hand, Practice writing with your other hand. And FILE YOUR OFFSIDE HAND SIGNATURE WITH YOUR BANK. (Most banks just do random spot checking of signatures, but you don’t need to deal with bank issues onto of everything. )
      Automate as many payments and services as possible.
      Pretend to strap down your to be operated on arm and go about your day on a day off. You will find the most important issues this way.

      Wishing you a perfect procedure and an excellent recovery.

      1. Anono-me*

        Also, if you wear contacts, maybe make sure you have up-to-date glasses. )I need both hands to put mine in.)

        And now is the time for paper plates etc.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Assuming you’re normally right-handed:

      Practice toilet hygiene in advance with your left hand. Seriously. Hair can stay dirty, food can be delivered, but there’s no avoiding going to the bathroom.

      A jar opener, and practice holding it with your right hand stationary while turning the jar with your left. A left-handed can opener. But plan on avoiding cans and jars in favor of frozen or fresh (yay, delivery services) for a while.

      If you can afford it, go to the nail salon, even if just for filing and buffing without polish; likeways, the hair salon to have them wash your hair with their two working hands.

      Think about how you put your clothes and shoes on. Open front shirts are all well and good if you can button them, but practice putting your pants, socks and shoes on one-handed. It’s harder than one expects.

      Set a timer for your pain pills. Don’t wait until you’re already in pain to take the next dose. This also prevents forgetting and taking them twice, or sooner than you ought. (And please don’t drive while on painkillers.)

      Have you looked for groups or sites for left-handers? They might have suggestions for left-handed gadgets that could be useful for you.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        This reminds me: dry shampoo and the body wash they use on people who can’t get out if bed. We got it at the drugstore.

    7. Bureaucrat in real life*

      An electric toothbrush and floss picks kept my teeth healthy during my recovery from rotator cuff surgery.
      Extra pillows…lying flat is discouraged for the first few weeks.

    8. BellaStella*

      I am single and broke my shoulder 4 years ago. I could not move it out of the brace so used a wooden spoon handle wrapped in a wet wipe to clean under my arm. Tossed each wet wipe when done and cleaned the spoon in the sink. I got a rubber foot plastic step stool that is super small to sit on in the tub when I was able to start to use the shower nozzle about 2 weeks in. Be super careful and place safety mats in shower too. Good luck!

    9. KathyG*

      * Get a reaching tool.

      * Remove anything that could conceivably be a tripping hazard.

      * Can you put on your footwear with one hand? (hint: shoelaces are almost impossible).

    10. TipsAndTricks*

      get a reacher. have a spare. understand there will be things you can’t do and that’s okay, even if they’re things you think are important. get ready prepared meals from your grocery or a delivery service if you can afford them. if not, prechopped veggies, etc.

    11. Not an expert*

      I’m going to also suggest that you prepare in advance by going through your daily routines with your arm in a sling. There were a few things that surprised my husband during recovery from shoulder surgery (with arm in tight sling for weeks) As others have suggested – leave jars open, put things you’ll need (dishes, food, meds) on a table or counter, pillows on the couch. He could not plug charging cord into phone. Getting off a low couch or bed was difficult – he had a rope tied to the foot of the bed so he could pull himself up. Washing – getting into the tub shower did not feel safe so he did sponge baths at the sink using a (new) dishwashing sponge on a handle thing (and a large bath mat). Dressing – size up. He could wiggle into an oversized t shirt with one arm in a sleeve, other arm in sling under shirt. Once he could remove the sling he had more options. So, advance planning and creativity are what you need. (and maybe a helpful friend)

    12. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      Lots of great advice on this thread!! I didn’t have shoulder surgery but had a couple other biggies (hip replacement, colon resection) that affected my ability to lift and move around.

      Seconding the motion elsewhere to make your painkillers as easy as possible to reach, and to set a timer to take them, especially the first few days home. I also found it helpful to keep a simple log of my meds, including the pain pills, as well as activities, every day. I could see that I really was getting better every day and that encouraged me to keep up with the home exercises and so on.

      The other thing that helped a lot was a box of baby wipes near my chair — if a shower just felt impossible I could still freshen up.

      And one last thing — be patient with yourself! Things will take longer to do for a while as you get used to your new capacity, and while I’m sure there will be goals you can be expected to reach at certain post-op times, you gotta sail your own race here. Your body, your recovery, your timeline.

    14. Luisa in Dallas*

      My partner had shoulder replacement surgery in July. The online occupational therapist at EquipMeOT on YouTube was very helpful for “how to’s on doing things one-handed and also for product reviews and recommendations. Adjusting to using the sling after the surgery was very difficult, even though he had practiced doing things one-handed. He could not have managed well on his own as the pain meds affected his executive functioning. We needed schedules, timers, and a checklist to keep track of the timing of various meds and the ice packs in order to stay ahead of the pain. I strongly recommend getting some help at the beginning, even if it’s just for an hour or two a day until you can get into a routine.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You people are phenomenal! Too many good ideas to mention them all but there’s one …
      I’ve been practicing going one handed but I hadn’t thought to get into a sling early!

    16. Usually Lurking*

      Make sure your pills, especially pain pills in the first week or two, are in “arthritis” bottles so you can open them with one hand!

  11. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    My elderly cat is suddenly tracking her litter all over and it is driving me INSANE. It’s the same clumping litter as I’ve been using for years, and she doesn’t seem to be unhappy or uncomfortable in any way. Is there anything I can do to make this stop?

    1. Dancing Otter*

      Is she getting litter stuck in her paws? Frequently, the first sign of diabetes in cats, before any other symptoms, is increased drinking and peeing. The clumping litter is overwhelmed, and sticks to kitty’s paws. Look at the box after she uses it, to see if there’s been an increase in volume.

      The manufacturer may have changed the litter even though it has the same name. Let’s hope that’s all it is.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Had the exact same thought, for my dear old girl it was thyroid issues causing her to eat/drink/pee excessively and then suddenly she was always overwhelming the box.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      We didn’t get Laverne checked out when she started peeing all the time because our vet had retired and we didn’t like the new vet and it was during covid and they wouldn’t let us in with her and well it turns out she had kidney disease and it was really advanced by the time she was diagnosed. :(

      So yeah – I agree with the other posters that this could be medical and you should take her to the vet.

  12. Harlowe*

    Anyone figure out how to reconcile “liquids after 7 PM will wake me up for multiple bathroom breaks” with “dear God, I’m so thirsty” in a way that makes sense?

    (And no I don’t need a dr, this is just middle age.)

    1. Enough*

      What are you drinking during the day? The more caffeine I drink the more likely I will need to pee during the night even if all I drink is water. Caffeine acts as a diuretic so if you stop drinking it and stick to water you may find you aren’t as thirsty in the evening.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      One thing I discovered when I got a CPAP machine and started sleeping far better/more deeply was that I produce a lot less urine overnight, and consequently have far fewer bathroom trips.

      I realize it may seem like kind of a stretch, but if you’ve ever been told you snore a lot, maybe mention that to your PCP the next time you see them to see if a sleep study might be appropriate.

    3. Empress Ki*

      I have the same problem. I noticed that during a period when I stopped eating salt, I wasn’t very thirsty anymore.
      Do you eat very salty ?

    4. DotDotDot*

      If I force myself to drink lots of water in the morning, I find I don’t wake up to pee as much in the night.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      As you age, you may find that getting up in the night reduces how stiff you feel in the morning.
      Of course, /some/ people seem to get enough exercise tossing and turning and stealing the blankets. Naming no names…
      Sucking on a throat lozenge or a piece of hard candy can reduce the dry mouth kind of thirst, as long as you got enough water earlier in the day.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      It’s better hydration if you take in liquids slowly, so very tiny sips, or sucking ice chips. Ice pops can be an idea. Not taking in lots of water quickly also prevents a bloated bladder.

    8. Shiny Penny*

      A salty dinner will guarantee I want all the water right before bedtime if I don’t take steps. It’s not very sensible. I can head this off by remembering to hydrate a lot earlier in the evening.
      Personally I usually have about a 1-2 hour “turn around time” and I wonder if your body might also be usefully predictable? If I drink a bunch at 7 or 8 I’m good, because I tend to go to bed at 1 or 2 am. But if I drink a bunch at midnight, that’s no good at all.

    9. Not an expert*

      I’ve found that I’m less thirsty in the evening if I have more liquids in the early afternoon. “More” for me means water with lunch, another glass of water later, and maybe cup of non-caffeinated tea by 4. I’ve also found that carbonated drinks of any kind lead to overnight bathroom breaks. And a side benefit of drastically reducing carb intake, for me anyway, was sleeping through the night again (past middle age)

    10. Texan In Exile*

      I thought it was just middle age as well but I went to a pelvic floor physical therapist last summer and did the exercises, some of which were waiting longer and longer between times getting out of bed to pee (bladder training) and my life is so much better now. I still have to pee at night sometimes, but not seven times in one hour.

      (I also saw a urogynecologist, a specialty I didn’t even know existed and how would I? – there are exactly three of them in my network, as opposed to dozens of urologists – and got topical estrogen, which also might be part of why my nighttime bladder issues are better now.)

    11. Indolent Libertine*

      It can also help to add something to the water, like a packet of “Emergen-C” or “liquid IV.” Those contain mineral salts, which help your body absorb a greater proportion of the water that you drink, leaving you better hydrated, even if you don’t increase the overall volume that you drink.

    12. skadhu*

      I get dry mouth at night so I keep a water bottle near the bed, and if I wake thirsty I just take enough to wet my mouth. Re the rest, I agree with drinking lots earlier in the day.

  13. Tiny Clay Insects*

    Has anyone purchased longterm care insurance? Any advice on where to start? My husband and I are healthy and middle aged, and we have some retirement savings but we aren’t going to be rich. I am terrified of getting old, needing care, and not having good care available. I want to be proactive now.

    [if this isn’t a good breakroom-style convo, I won’t be hurt if it gets deleted.]

    1. acmx*

      Mine was originally through my employer. They no longer offer LTC. It is through Transamerica. I pay around $3-400 quarterly? Semi annually? Not sure lol put they send me a reminder before deducting.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Whatever you buy, put it on auto-pay. When my MIL was hospitalized for cancer treatment, my A**h*** BIL let her policy lapse for non-payment because he couldn’t be bothered to deal with her mail. No way to get it reinstated, when she was in a position to actually need the benefits. Close to 20 years of premiums down the drain.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Mine will not do auto-pay, alas. Crazy, right?

        Some companies will have a “trusted contact” whom they will let know if you miss a payment. I guess it’s important to pick a person who’s responsible for that.

        Some companies also have a system where if you let the policy lapse, they’ll give you back whatever you’ve already paid in premiums.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          If the premium amount is fixed, why not set up repeating payments through your bank? Even if you have to update the amount every year, it’s still easy peace of mind.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I think I literally have to send them a check — it’s very old school!

            1. Reluctant Mezzo*

              I have a spreadsheet which reminds me of the monthly bills I have to pay at the beginning of the month and the ones on or around the 15th. That way, I make sure the autopay ones are subtracted from the balance in the check register (I go through ten check registers for one set of checks these days. I buy the registers on Amazon, way cheaper than through the bank).

            2. Anono-me*

              Some banks have an auto pay that you can set up with them where the bank sends a check for a designated amount on whatever schedule you choose.

            3. Mad Hatter*

              I’m 72 and pay about $1400 annually by check. I got a good policy tied to inflation through Unum probably 20 years ago. It doesn’t kick in for the first 90 days though, so my late husband never got to use it.

    3. Anono-me*

      Whatever plan you find, please research how easy it actually is to access.
      I helped someone claim theirs and we wound up having to ask an advocate from the State Insurance Commissioner’s Office for help.

      1. Mzcatt*

        We were offered it through my work, but then they rescinded the offer here in California. I did some research on local agents and found an amazing agent who was able to do some comparison prices for us. We went with Mutual of Omaha, which is about $1000 a quarter for the two of us. But we didn’t start till we were over 65 so we started younger. It would be much cheaper.

        All reports that Mutual of Omaha is easy to deal with and don’t try to screw you over.

    4. o_gal*

      One piece of advice would be to try to figure out just how much they are willing to cover. My Dad is in LTC and the costs are insane. $15,481 per month now, going up near $19,000 in January. He does not have LTC insurance, but has enough money to cover it in investments, other insurance, and retirement funds. Try to find out if there is a ceiling on how much money they will pay. You don’t want to go in thinking it will cover everything, only to find out that they only pay $5000 per month and you will owe the rest.

        1. o_gal*

          It’s very premium care, from a retirement community in my area that is consistently ranked the best in the area and one of the best in the state. But you pay for that. It’s almost like concierge care that a lot of people are signing up for with their doctors. Once the money runs out, he can go on their Compassionate Care program that will cover costs. They bought into their retirement community back in 2015, with the contract being that they could not be kicked out for monetary reasons.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Kudos for doing this! It probably won’t cover all costs, but will probably still be worth it. Both my parents had it, and while home care is so expensive that the LTC insurance just covered part of it, they still got back at least all of the money that they had paid into the insurance over the years. It’s like pre-paying for good care.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Our state (Washington) recently passed a law requiring all businesses with a certain number of employees to offer LTC insurance. I have definitely signed up.

    6. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      My husband and I have it thru Northwestern Mutual. It’s not at all cheap, but adjusts for inflation, can’t be cancelled unless we don’t pay premiums, and covers a multitude of things, including at-home care like respite care (if one of us is a bit dotty and needs an adult around but isn’t so vulnerable that an institution is necessary). The current total lifetime value is over a quarter of a million, which yeah is a lot but realistically won’t cover years and years of institutions. So we also have savings, and fingers crossed. Good luck!

      1. HoundMom*

        CHUBB is big in this market. It is attached to life insurance so if you don’t need care, you would still have a death benefit.

    7. Emma*

      My understanding is that policies used to cover a lot more than they do now, so I would get some quote and read carefully about coverage, and see if it will cover what you need.
      You might compare that to how much you could save if you redirected the LTC premium cost each month into retirement savings for however many years, just to see if LTC will make sense or not.

      1. Emma*

        And I’m so sorry that you have to worry about this. You shouldn’t. It’s unfair that our country doesn’t prioritize taking care of the elderly.

  14. WellRed*

    Advice needed for aging aunt. I’m used to my aunt repeating a story (“stop me if you’ve heard this”) but how do you know when to really intervene? She takes care of self/house/car/yard work and knows every one, drives my older aunt to dr appointments etc. but she just spent Christmas week with me and my mom(a whole other problem). Highlights: checked her into hotel Sunday, Monday morning she found my mom’s wallet on the bed (we checked out the room) and questioned me as to how my mom got into her room and when. On Wednesday she was anxious to get to the hotel ( I was doing all the driving) cause she was fairly sure she booked rooms but wasn’t positive. I reminded Ed her she had and then she still said “I have a suitcase, too.” Yes, we checked it in on Sunday. Yesterday, she thought it was Christmas Eve. And she spent three days wishing me a happy birthday ( before my actual birthday Tuesday). And she repeats the same stuff over and over and over. And over. I don’t have much sway over this very stubborn and formerly highly engaged intelligent woman but what would you do? Even my mom thinks she’s losing it and my mom isn’t all there herself. It’s been a very marked declined in the past few months.

    1. WellRed*

      And the best part? Her doctor isn’t worried so Auntie isn’t either but I said I think she’s and unreliable narrator to her doctor. I may have also says her doctor isn’t too bright after the hotel confusion debacle.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Yeah a thing that makes it tricky is it’s pretty common to easily sound coherent enough to someone who isn’t around you much. So the unreliable-narrator-to-doctor thing is easy for the doctor to ignore early on. If you told the doctor the hotel story as you have here – and if you didn’t do it yet, do it in a dispassionate, factual way – and the doc was not given pause by that – especially the worry about if she forgot to make a reservation to a place she’d already been checked in to for two days – agree the doc sucks. But if the doc doesn’t have that info yet, and Auntie doesn’t have anyone go with her to appointments, and is just telling her version of a story, it’s possible for her to sound lucid enough if she manages to not contradict herself within the time she’s talking.
        Then again, you could always ask her to draw a clock and see what happens. That also might help convince the doc, assuming she can’t do it.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Unfortunately this is pretty much the pattern my dad’s dementia followed. The repetition is a big, big marker, even if it’s something they’ve “always” done. And not being able to process recent events.

      The most devastating moment for me with my dad was when I had gone to visit him for a few days. We had gone out to dinner with some friends of him and his wife and eaten with them a few times in their apartment complex’s communal dining room.

      On my last day there, the morning after we had all gone out to dinner, my dad spotted them, walked over, and introduced me. He had no memory of the last few days.

      You need to contact her doctor and outline ALL of this for him. And maybe contact local police to do wellness checks if there’s no one else in her life who can do them. This isn’t something that can be put off, especially if she’s still driving. The routine of her life may carry her through to a certain point, but one panicked moment of mixing up the brake and gas pedals could be tragic.

      1. WellRed*

        I’m sorry about your dad. Your comment about the repetition is helpful as it’s a new marker for us. And your last point about routine of life is what’s worrying us. Itstall good until it isn’t.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Routine is very tricky–as long as they can follow one, dementia sufferers can hide symptoms for a very long time.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Well, you don’t know what her doctor actually told her. She might be an unreliable narrator to you.

      What’s her actual situation, though? Does she have adult children, siblings other than your mother and aunt, neighbors who are very close to her, a worship community? My first step would be to consult with other people who are close to her and have an interest in her wellbeing.

      You could contact the doctor’s office and ask to report your observations to the doctor in some way. Doc can’t talk to you about her situation, but you can give info to the doc if they’ll allow it.

      How far does Aunt live from you? Is it feasible to go “visit” her, see her in her natural habitat, maybe accompany her to the doctor? Would she consider giving you a medical power of attorney in case “anything happens” to her? You can’t use it to override her decisions now, but it would be useful in case of a hospitalization, and in my mother’s case I was able to backdoor through the POA to get a doc to sign off on her incapacity when the time came, without her even knowing it. (Yes, I understand that this is a super risky setup and elders can be exploited. Don’t even ask me about her phone and bank accounts. All I’m saying is, with the POA that my mother gave me in case she was under anesthesia or in a coma, I was able to take charge of her medical care and keep her safe.)

      I think the real question is what would you want to do regarding your aunt if you could do whatever you think is best? She’s managing your other aunt as well?

      I’m sorry you’re facing this, but even if this isn’t a crisis now, it’s probably time to start thinking about what will happen if there is a crisis.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes, we’re trying to avoid a crisis. She has no kids or community. That’s honestly part of the problem in my opinion. Medical POA is something I hadn’t thought of.

        1. Just a name*

          Also a general power of attorney. That gives you access to the financials. An elder law attorney can guide you. My dad had given me both, plus I was executor of the will, etc, which made the transition of taking it over easier. His admission to assisted living after a medical crisis (April 2020, what else was happening?) was so confusing for him (he was living with a his gf who said he couldn’t come home from the hospital). He couldn’t remember any recent events but his long term memory (and daily routines) were embedded. If you can sit with your aunt and her attorney (or an elder law attorney) and go over it all – her wishes, etc – that will make it all less stressful when the time comes. Hopefully she already did this and you just need to know the details. Best of luck! I was fortunate in that I could afford his assisted living costs as he had no savings. Just his social security and a small annuity from the sale of the house nearly 20 years previously.

          1. Not Australian*

            If she’s already showing signs of diminished capacity you won’t be able to get any kind of Power of Attorney: this has to be set up while the patient is fully mentally competent. If you’re in the UK, that means the Court of Protection will take over all her business affairs and *that* is stupidly expensive: this is why it’s vital to set these things up early.

            1. Pennyworth*

              As long as the mental capacity isn’t diminished to the point she does not understand what a power of attorney is she can still sign one. Poor memory does not always equal poor comprehension.

              I am currently helping an elderly relative with a very poor short term memory following a stroke. He discussed giving his daughter a POA with his doctor and was assessed as being competent to make that decision.

          2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Big agree on going over all your aunt’s wishes (and then doing your level best to follow them). We lose so much agency when we get old, and I think one of the most heartbreaking things is having other people make decisions for us that make them feel better but that aren’t what we actually want.

            Of course, this depends on how much money your aunt has available for her care, but a big issue is when she needs care, where is that going to happen? Most people do best and are happiest at home (and not coincidentally get the best care at home, where there’s one-to-one care instead of the appalling provider-to-patient ratios in most facilities).

            I had to talk my friends out of tricking their mom into going to a nursing home and honoring her wishes to stay put at home with care. She had the money for good in-home care, but her kids, who basically don’t want to do any care themselves, had decided that they should put her in a home so she could socialize, even though she has had no interested in attending a local senior day program to socialize and even though she really wanted to stay home. It’s not nice to dump someone in a home if they don’t want to go and there are other options available.

            Perhaps your aunt would be okay with having a helper come in for a few hours or days a week now, with the idea of trying out potential carers and finding some people she likes for when she needs more care (and also with the idea of generally getting used to having helpers around)? I have an aunt whose carer comes 8 hours a day weekdays and serves mostly as a chef and chauffeur — they go out to lunch with my aunt’s friends, go to the movies, run errands, etc. — but the carer is also on the scene five days a week to note any health issues and get my aunt medical care when she needs it. For her part, my aunt wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, but they’ve become friends, and it has worked out well.

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            And if you can, record these sessions! As the condition advances people can’t remember what they agreed to, and seeing video of themselves hearing the plans and agreeing to them/signing papers can help relieve anxiety.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m most concerned with her managing the other aunt–driving is such a risk factor for dementia patients, even if it’s a route they take “all the time.”

    4. Dancing Otter*

      In addition to what others have said, contact her local council or agency for the aging (village, township, county, even state if nothing closer) about senior support services. For example, because I was living alone when I had surgery last winter, I was assessed and granted housekeeping help. (Hey, it’s hard to clean with a non-functioning knee.) Exactly what services may be available to her vary greatly, but just the assessment could be helpful.

      A fringe benefit of whatever services she receives is the regular contact. Somebody will notice if she doesn’t answer the door, or if she is incoherent or badly confused.

    5. Anono-me*

      If she is in the USA, check with her Post Office about the Carrier Alert Program. As I
      understand it, Mail carriers watch for unusual accumulations of mail in a participant’s mailbox and then notify a designated contact.
      Wherever your aunt lives, please make sure that her neighbors have your contact information. While they may not wish to be too involved, most people will exert themselves to send an FYI ‘Worrying thing is going on. Check on your Aunt so I don’t have to deal with it.’ text.
      Ask your Aunt if she has had a full physical recently. (This is different from a standard medicare physical.) I have been told that symtoms of treatable issues (like untreated UTIs, mini strokes and partial blocking of the big arteries in the neck ) are sometimes dismissed as dementia, especially in older women. (Someone smart who can advocate for your Aunt from a position of privilege should accompany her to this if possible. )
      Have important conversations with your Aunt in the morning. (Dementia is often more intense later in the day.)
      If your Aunt is reluctant to do a POA, medical POA, will, living will etc. Fimd out if it is because she doesn’t want to think about it or because she doesn’t want to hand over control (paranoia often is part of dementia). If she doesn’t want to hand over control; ask her to do the paperwork and put it in a small home safe that she keeps in her house. Just make sure you have the combination.
      Remember that there is only so much that anyone can do and be kind to yourself.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Very good point — UTIs and other infections can make older people temporarily not all there, but when the infection is treated, they’re back to normal.

        1. Clisby*

          Yes, a woman I knew said her family had started to worry her father-in-law was in the early stages of dementia. When he had a complete physical, it turned out he had a severe B12 deficiency – treating that got him back to normal.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            It’s wild how easily you can get thrown off by wonky body chemistry of whatever sort when you’re older. My aunt and my father seemed very not with it when they had infections but were right as rain again after a vigorous course of antibiotics.

            1. Clisby*

              Of course, lots of times when elderly people seem to be suffering from dementia, they really are – but a thorough physical is essential before ruling out other causes.

              1. EvilQueenRegina*

                It went the other way with my grandad – when the doctor first saw him, he did have an infection, so they concentrated on treating that, but he wasn’t getting any better – when he was eventually admitted to hospital, it turned out he really did have dementia with Lewy bodies.

    6. Bibliothecarial*

      That’s how my grandmother’s dementia went. We were recommended to someone at her medical care provider who was a coordinator for elder care/long term care – this person’s entire job was helping patients and families figure out the next steps in getting help. (It was free to consult her also – and this was in the US!) Try for someone like that at a hospital or call your local aging/disability resource center for a referral.

      I agree with the others’ advice. One thing my family actually did well was having different people in charge of things. I did the daily care until she moved to a care home, then I did the shopping, routine Dr visits, fixing stuff, etc. My aunt was financial POA and my mom was medical POA. We all worked together but it wasn’t a huge burden on any one.

      Good luck. I hope your aunt’s journey goes well. My friend’s descent to dementia was awful but my grandmother became much more relaxed, fun, joyful, and enjoyed life more when she forgot she had to be dignified :)

      1. cleo*

        “my grandmother became much more relaxed, fun, joyful, and enjoyed life more when she forgot she had to be dignified”

        I had a similar experience with my grandmother. She was cold and disapproving most of my life, but she was hilarious the last few years of her life – I’m so glad I got to know that version of her.

    7. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      I’m sorry about your aunt. It’s so hard watching someone slide away. My dad slowly declined from Alzheimer’s over a period of years; fortunately, there were three of us kids and we all lived close enough to visit regularly that we managed. That said: somebody needs to find out how she’s managing her money and get the powers of attorney business squared away. Approaching it from “Well, you want to make sure your bills are paid even if you might forget, don’t you?” might get the job done. Or ask if she would agree to a joint (either/or) checking account and have the statements come to you or be copied to you.

      Most places in the US have some kind of state office for advocacy for older folks; some places it’s countrywide, others it’s city-based. Talk to those people for her area to see what could be available.

      Another thought — maybe hiding your concern for this aunt under concern for Older Aunt can help. “We want to make sure Aunt June has someone to help her just in case you’re feeling a little poorly” or something.

      Good luck. It’s a beast.

    8. Part time lab tech*

      Just one point for any kind of care. Please physically check up on them at least once a week. Once your aunt can no longer advocate for herself, it is really easy for her to be neglected, even by accident.
      Also, be realistic about whether it’s safe for her to be at home, and ensure all of the paperwork is available. In Australia, it would now be too late for her to get a will though.

    9. AnonAgain*

      I highly recommend the the Alzheimer’s Association’s 24/7 Helpline.
      Phone number on their website. I’ll put link in separate post. They are a great source of information. When you call, they will connect you with a social worker. There are many types of dementia and your loved one doesn’t have to have Alzheimer’s (or any diagnosis at all) for them to help you. I made several calls over the years my mother was declining and they were wonderful.

    10. Girasol*

      Ask her doctor to check her driving ability. I did and the doctor sent Dad to an occupational therapist for a comprehensive test (without telling him that I’d asked.) It’s not just about controlling a car but about whether the person still has the ability to find their way. Getting confused about where to find the grocery that he’d always used was one of the first signs that Dad was slipping into dementia. I’m told that navigation issues are not uncommon. I know you’re not asking about driving but checking all the skills needed for it is a good test of cognition in general, and doctors are prepared for this question.

    11. epicdemiologist*

      I’d be very concerned about her driving, not just for her but for everyone else on the road. If you’re in the US, here’s a run-down of state laws pertaining to older drivers–in particular, see the drop-down box on the left for reporting of medically at-risk drivers by physicians and/or family: https://lpp.seniordrivers.org/blog/policies/1-vision-requirements-for-licensure/

      The most appropriate medical professional to consult on this issue is a certified driver rehabilitation specialist (info here: https://www.aded.net/page/215).

      If you need more general help and guidance, in the US you can seek out your local Area Agency on Aging: https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging_Network/AAA.aspx

      Best of luck. This is never easy, even with the right resources.

    12. cue*

      Having been there myself, and expecting to be in the near future, I wouldn’t do anything except strap in and go along. Just nod when she repeats herself, ask questions as though you’ve heard things the first time, and otherwise accept that this is where she is now and go with things as they occur.

      I mean, what else is there to do besides not be around her anymore?

  15. Mimmy*

    Water main break horror stories wanted!

    Looking for commiseration because late Christmas night, there was a huge water main break in our neighborhood that left many with little to no water. What little water we could use had to be boiled before using. Our township didn’t have emergency resources (water distribution, use of restroom & showers at senior centers) up and running until late Thursday. My husband tried to get water at a distribution center, but he said it was poorly organized and chaotic, so he got bottled water at a grocery store instead.

    The cause is unknown, but it’s felt that our aging water pipes is a major contributing factor. The timing couldn’t be worse given the holidays.

    Water pressure finally came back late this afternoon (Friday) but it’s still a bit weak and we are still under a boil water advisory. But at least now we can do dishes and flush the toilet! Given our aging pipelines, I’m worried that this won’t be the last time.

    I know this is probably nothing compared to places like Asheville, NC, after natural disasters. But people are upset and rightfully so; our township administration has been getting a lot of flak.

    Time to move to a location with newer infrastructure!

    1. is the math right ?*

      That sucks and I’m so sorry you had to deal with it. I know it is tempting to just pick up and move to another town, but unless the new town is willing to spend actual $$ and invest in infrastructure over the long term, that’s just pushing the problem down the road/pipe (maybe until after your lifetime, but it isn’t a solution)

      1. Mimmy*

        I was actually just kidding about moving (although we’ve toyed around with the idea over the years; staying put for now). Thank you for the input though; it’s something to keep in mind.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      Water main breaks are a sore subject for me.

      In the middle of a bitterly cold January about 20 years ago, the city water main broke about 100 feet from our house due to the ground heaving from the frost.

      Because the ground was frozen solid above the water main, the water forced its way laterally through the ground to the sewer main. Within moments, the sewer main had filled up, then all the sewer laterals up and down the street began filling up, followed by all the basements for about a two-block radius.

      We woke up to about 3 feet of ice-cold raw sewage in our basement that morning, and spent the next week or so hauling out about $25,000 worth of sodden, smelly belongings from the basement. We lost the washer, dryer, water-heater, freezer chest and furnace, in addition to hundreds of books, all our off-season clothing, my spouse’s computer and all the furniture.

      Our homeowner’s insurance provided zero coverage because the event that caused the damage (the water main break) occurred off our property.

      The city’s liability insurance also provided zero coverage because in their opinion, the city had not done anything to cause the break.

      So it all came out of our pockets. It took us several years to pay for everything we had to replace.

      The takeaway is that if your sewer lateral does not have a backflow preventer, spend the $1,000 or so it’ll cost you to put one in. Better that than losing the entire contents of your basement to raw sewage.

      2. Mimmy*

        Yikes, that sounds awful indeed! The water main break occurred at a nearby elementary school. I didn’t hear of any significant flooding at the school or nearby homes, thankfully. Luckily, we do not have a basement (I don’t think any of the homes in our immediate neighborhood do), so we’re probably okay in terms of sewer backflow should this ever occur near our house.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      As a child, I lived in a brand new subdivision (still building when I started school). There were at least two or three water main breaks a year, just on my block. Low bid construction contractors, I assume.
      So don’t assume only old pipes fail.

      1. Mimmy*

        Ugh that’s not good. Our water is maintained by a private company who I believe is contracted with this town. We were actually going to get a different one several years ago, but the residents voted it down because it was felt it would raise water costs. I don’t understand all the ins and outs, but from what I read on the neighborhood groups, this other company probably would’ve done a better job maintaining and possibly upgrading the aging pipes.

    5. FACS*

      Our city put in a fire hydrant in front ot our house and blew the water line. we had 3 days of showering at the YMCA a few blocks away. It is a remarkably good way to meet the neighbors. My office is close by so we had bathrooms and laundry. Fun times but way less than what others here have managed.

    6. MagicEyes*

      We had a water main break a few years ago and didn’t have water for several days. It’s a lot harder to not have running water than to not have electricity! I don’t take running water for granted–it’s like a little miracle.

  16. HannahS*

    (Content of pregnancy loss)

    I’m having a sad week, having lost a wanted pregnancy. I’m distracting myself with gentle British comedy. I’ve watched a lot of QI and Would I Lie to You. I’m currently watching the Dish podcasts. What else can you recommend for mindless pleasantry?

      1. Squidhead*

        Yes! It took me a minute to get into it (Greg Davies’ tone is a little hard to gauge at first until you realize you adore him and Alex Horne together) but now I think it’s hilarious. Plus there are 18 series (seasons) and multiple from other countries as well so the format becomes soothingly predictable even as you have no idea what antics will occur.

        Sending gentle thoughts your way, HannahS.

        1. Venus*

          Greg’s tone and criticisms of Little Alex Horne became much more enjoyable when I learned that Alex designed and writes the show and was too meek to be the Taskmaster so he asked Greg. The dynamic is a joy to watch! I love all the series, even the ones where I know none of the contestants, and they are easily available on YouTube.

      2. RC*

        Yes, all of Taskmaster. I’d start with series 7 and loop around to the end (11-14 is the peak IMO). And then there’s Australia and New Zealand! (Although Greg is better than the other two)

      3. AnonAgain*

        Another big yes for Taskmaster. If you aren’t in the UK, it’s available on YouTube.
        Sorry for your loss.

    4. Zona the Great*

      Oh HannahS. I’m so sorry.

      My current favorite thing to watch for indulging in pure joy is Trybals’ content on YouTube. Men and women from a tribe in Pakistan eating new things or listening to modern/western music. Not exploitative at all. Just watching someone appreciate beauty through a new lens.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      No TV recommendations (unless there’s a dramatized version of some of the Ladies’ No. 1 Detective Agency stories by Alexander McCall Smith?) but I’m sorry for your loss.

    8. Bluebell Brenham*

      If you ever watch Hallmark’s Hanukah movies, the last two years entries are pretty good. Round and Round (last year) has a time loop similar to Palm Springs. Hanukah on the Rocks (this year) is a little kitschier, but still cute. On the other hand, if you want to watch a movie that will make your eyes roll so much they will fall out of your head, Mistletoe and Menorahs is it.
      I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that you can be gentle with yourself.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      The most recent season of Great British Bakeoff (Netflix) is the best of the new era, in my view. Very watch- and rewatchable.

    12. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Have I Got News For You, although it’s a right slog to find it. Look for ‘best of’ stuff on YouTube.

      The original ‘Who’s line is it anyway’ with Clive Anderson (bonus – if you can find the QI episode with him on he’s brilliantly funny).

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so sorry for your loss and am sending a big, big hug.

      YouTube has free episodes of *Are You Being Served?* I liked *To the Manor Born* too, but I’m not sure where you can stream it. BritBox, perhaps?

    15. Middle Aged Lady*

      I am So sorry! I agree with the Taskmaster suggestion. Also Sarah Millican stand-up.
      The country life vlog: a family in Azerbaijan highlights traditional farm ways. There is no dialog, just him doing various chores and her preserving food/cooking. They have a pet magpie, cats, dogs, chickens and so on. This episode is apple tarts: https://youtu.be/x5SKw2Krtfc?si=GziWwRRhH8Xm3fI7

    16. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m sorry for your loss, HannahS.

      I love the show Miranda. Looks like it’s available on Amazon Prime Video and BritBox.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      If you are new, or changed your name, or included a link, then your post might be in moderation temporarily.
      If the internet gremlins are messing with you, your post may have been eaten. I try to remember to Select All and Copy before hitting Submit, just in case a Vanishing occurs and I need to paste it back and try posting a second time. The ways of the internet are definitely mysterious!

      1. Sloanicota*

        There are also a lot of words that trigger the moderation, many that can be used in completely innocent ways, and the owner of the site has asked us not to speculate on them since they are there for a reason. Honestly it’s quite impressive that we don’t get more spam here so it’s just something to deal with (but I do hate if I miss out on an interesting conversation because my comment doesn’t show up until hours later after everyone’s moved on).

        1. Shiny Penny*

          100% agree!!!
          So grateful for all the behind-the-scenes work that makes this site a peaceful oasis of kindness. Alison has created a treasure here.
          Thank you Alison and crew!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      If you posted a link, that will put your comment in moderation for a bit. Or it might have happened randomly. But sometimes comments just get eaten, it’s happened to me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I have triggered moderation with a post about cauliflower. You never know what’s going to excite it.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I doubt you are banned. There are all kinds of reasons that comments might not show for a while. As somebody mentioned, it happens if you put a link in it. It also happens if you include certain words, not necessarily controversial ones or anything, just ones that tend to come up in conversations that there is some reason to keep an eye on. And sometimes it’s just random.

      I’ve even occasionally had three or four posts in a row not show up immediately even though there is no obvious reason that I can see and then my next one will be fine.

    5. Jam today*

      Thank you for your responses. I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent explanation if this and my earlier post have got through. In any case, I wish everyone a happy holiday and a happy New Year.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Other explanation it doesn’t look like anyone else mentioned: if you post a lot of times in quick succession, they’ll go into moderation out of concern you might be a bot.

  18. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs!

    I’ve just finished The Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix. It was a fun, light YA fantasy novel, and I enjoyed it.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      I just finished Iona Whishaw’s first Lane Winslow mystery – a recommendation here, if I recall correctly – and will try to get more through interlibrary loan.

      Meanwhile, I am rereading the last couple of Liaden books while trying to be patient waiting for the new one (April 2025, I think). Steve Miller & Sharon Lee, but only Ms Lee now, as he died last year. Highly recommend the whole series, and will probably go back to the very beginning to reread Crystal Soldier and Crystal Dragon.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I love the Laden books. (Pat Rin may be my favorite!)

        I’m reading Helene Wecker’s The Golem and the Jinni. It was recommended to me lately, and I went to buy it, only to realize I already owned it and the sequel. Thanks, TBR stack!

      2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        I loved the Lane Winslow books, which I also found here, and hope you do too! It’s a series that really suits my tastes in mysteries — serious but not dark, cozy but not fluffy — and I appreciate how the author weaves in social / political context and stories of marginalized groups in Canada (Doukhobor, immigrants/POC, First Nations). It’s progressive without being wildly anachronistic.

    2. RC*

      Read The Husbands while off this week— I enjoyed it. Has similar vibes to a time loop story, or Sliding Doors without the problematic actress, heh.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        That was one of my favorites of the year! Excellent combo of interesting concept and fluffy vibe.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Ooh, adding yours to my list, that sounds great!

      Recently finished Lion Women of Tehran, I think it was very high quality but not really a “me” book so just a decent read (book club pick). I’m hoping to finish 3 more books before the end of the year so my abysmal Goodreads challenge is at least a round number, currently at 27/40.

    4. Bluebell Brenham*

      I read a lot this week! Started with And After the Fire, another historical novel by Lauren Belfer, about a controversial Bach piece being discovered. Real historical figures such as Fanny Mendelssohn Hensel and Alexander von Humboldt have small parts. Moved on to Under Loch and Key, a fluffy paranormal romance that obviously takes place in Scotland. Then adored The Love Elixir of Augusta Stern where a retired pharmacist meets a former love interest who she knew in her youth in Brooklyn. Finally, Northwoods is a mystery thriller that takes place in Wisconsin. It’s Amy Pease’s debut, and the main characters are very compelling, including a woman sheriff, a woman FBI agent, and also a male officer who is struggling with PTSD and an alcohol problem. Definitely looking forward to her next book.

    5. KeinName*

      Quickly while they still have horses – Jan Carson
      The Mars Room – Rachel Kushner

      Got both for Christmas, finished no 1 in a day; wonderful Irish short stories from a magical realist author I once took a writing workshop from. Funny as well, and gripping.

      No 2 also extremely gripping but less enjoyable. Only advisable if you’re happy. It’s set in a female prison in California and in the narrator‘s former life as a not-cared for child, teen and young woman. Kushner is a fantastic author. Though I would prefer to be reading something less depressing.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Me too – though I’m listening to the audiobook version narrated primarily by Sian Clifford (who’s perfect for Susan, and does a good job with the majority of the other narration as well), with Peter Serafinowicz performing Death’s lines and Bill Nighy chiming in to read the footnotes.

        Glingleglingleglingle…

    7. Atheist Nun*

      I finished and can recommend a couple books:

      1) The God of the Woods by Liz Moore, which was one of the “hot” books of the summer (as evidenced by my being #89 on the library request list). It was good but not all that. It could have been way shorter.
      2) Companion Piece by Ali Smith. Being one of Ali Smith’s works, it was basically perfect (to me) and just the right length.

      I read 75 books this year which, for a slow reader like me, was a personal best; last year I read 65 or so books. Sure, some were duds and even hate reads, but I found a few gems. My favorite books read this year (but not necessarily published this year):

      1) Companion Piece by Ali Smith
      2) The Island of Sea Women by Lisa See
      3) The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo
      4) Interior Chinatown by Charles Yu
      5) Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart
      6) Young Mungo by Douglas Stuart
      7) How to Read Now by Elaine Castillo

      What were your favorite books?

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Continuing Nexus by Harari, about information networks. The piece that is currently lingering with me is about how the printing press isn’t just a sparkly element of truth–it really helped out with the witch hunts. Books on how to spot the witches in your midst and torture the truth out of them vastly outsold Copernicus’s work on the sun being the center of the solar system.

      I swung off into another reread of the Scholomance, but have a couple of new library books and new Xmas books for January.

    9. Evvy*

      Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell. I can’t remember whether it was someone on a previous weekend thread that mentioned it before. I have been reading her romances since I was in middle school and am always amazed by how she Puts Words Together in a very unique way—each of her books have lines that feel like they could never have existed anywhere else in the world. Even when there are things that bug me (which also happens in every book) the overwhelming impression I’m left with at the end is “Wow! She is an incredible writer!”

    10. GoryDetails*

      In Praise of Good Bookstores by Jeff Deutsch, because of course I want to read about good bookstores {grin}.

      Poems of Banjo Paterson, a collection of works by noted Australian poet Paterson, including “Waltzing Matilda” (Australia’s unofficial anthem) and “The Man from Snowy River” – which inspired several films, a TV series, and a stage musical (!).

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      A BBC series I’d been greatly enjoying, *Get Millie Black* was based on a story written by Marlon James. I just found out that he won the Man Booker prize for *A Brief History of Seven Killings*, so I think that’s next on my list!

    13. Mostly Managing*

      Revenge of the Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell. I always enjoy his work, this was no exception. Non-fiction, but lots of stories in it.

      And now I’m in Discworld, because I got two Tiffany Aching books this week and there is a requirement that anything by Terry Pratchett jumps to the top of the To Be Read pile regardless of whether I’ve read it before and with no concern for the other books’ feelings!

      1. ElastiGirl*

        I got Revenge of the Tipping Point for Christmas, halfway through and really enjoying what it’s making me think about.

    14. Angstrom*

      Just finished Bad Blood (the Theranos story). Amazing that she was able to deceive so many people for so long. So many red flags….

      Currently taking small bites out of Seamanship in the Age of Sail by John Harland. It’s an incredibly detailed look at how square-rigged ships were sailed. Whole chapters on tacking, reefing, anchoring, etc.

    15. noncommitally anonymous*

      Finished two AAM recommendations this week: The Thursday Murder Club and The Spellshop. LOOOOOVED The Spellshop – does anyone know anything similar?

      I also enjoyed The Thursday Murder Club and have the sequel on hold at the library.

      1. LizWings*

        I just read Spellshop, too! So lovely. She has written another book in the same universe, but it won’t be out till July. I’ve decided I’m going to lean in heavily to Cozy Fantasy this coming year. I checked a reddit thread on recs for similar books, and based on that have reserved The Chalice at my library. Legends and Lattes came up a lot, too. And if you haven’t read A Psalm for the Wild-Built, that should go on your list! People also recommended: The Crescent Moon Tearoom, A Marvelous Light, and books by TJ Klune.

        Not cozy, but my favorite book of the last 3 years is A Deadly Education.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I just finished Stephen King’s Billy Summers. It would make a good movie, if they don’t Hollywood-ize the ending.

    17. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Based on a thread last week I picked up a Ngaio Marsh and oh dear…I hated it. Almost DNFed it.

      My big win this week was The Phoenix Ballroom by Ruth Hogan, who also wrote The Keeper of Lost Things. Both stories have elements of late-in-life reinvention and chosen family that I find quite charming.

      1. noncommitally anonymous*

        Which Marsh? I find they vary a LOT. Possibly my favorite is Tied Up in Tinsel, or possibly Death in a White Tie.

          1. noncommitally anonymous*

            Not the best. Alleyn becomes less of an ass as the series goes on. I recently reread it and was shocked at how annoying he was.

      2. skadhu*

        I’ve been a Marsh fan for years, but her early books are not nearly as well written as the later ones. The first one in particular seems influenced heavily by what others had written at the time, and she hadn’t really found her voice at that point. They also suffer from the social context of the time when they were written, which can be jarring to modern sensibilities.

        My favourites of hers were always liked the ones that were written about Troy Alleyn, the Inspector’s wife—as I recall there were 5 or 6 of them?—you might find you liked those if you did some cherrypicking.

        1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          Yeah, I found it generic, with nothing about the plot or writing to distinguish it from any other murder mystery of its kind. I couldn’t really keep track of or care about the characters — maybe that’s an attention span problem but they felt like cardboard cutouts, not written with enough depth to make them interesting or memorable. I’m also not keen on how the plot (and side plots) and clues unfolded though despite that I still guessed the killer.

          Good to know there are better ones. I always start at the beginning and that doesn’t always pay off! (See also: how I bounced off of the first Discworld book.)

    18. goddessoftransitory*

      Blazing through The Legacy of Frankenstein, one of Robin Bailes’ Universal series. They’re a fun fantasy setup of different characters meeting and dealing with different Universal monsters. He also runs the Dark Corners website on YouTube about various bad/fun movies if you want to check it out!

    19. Pieforbreakfast*

      Finished The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin, loved it and put the second book in the series on hold in the library (I’m like #80 for 11 copies). Started The Golem of Brooklyn by Adam Mansbach. Cooo-mpletely different reading, kind of got whiplash but I’m enjoying it.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Fifth Season series is sooooo good but very dark! Someone picked it for my bookclub a few years ago and I subsequently read and bought everything else N.K. Jemisin has written!

    20. Lizard*

      I finished A Midwife’s Tale by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. This is the biography of Martha Ballard, a midwife who lived and worked in rural Maine in the 18th-19th century (the book covers 1785-1812). Over her entire career, she delivered ~1000 babies and kept a diary detailing day-to-day life in her community. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich mined her diary for information about life and community in that time period, including topics such as midwifery/medical practices, the female economy, and attitudes about pre-marital sex.

      I was inspired to read it after reading a historical fiction book based on her life (The Frozen River by Ariel Lawhon). The Martha Ballard presented here is very different from the one in the novel, but I was really fascinated by what I learned. Thatcher Ulrich presents a lot of information that would have been lost to time if not for the diary – including Martha Ballard’s name (since she was mostly known as Mrs. Ballard for 50+ years of her life).

      2. Jackalope*

        I loved that book so much! It was so interesting and I learned a lot from it. Would also recommend.

    21. Not That Kind of Doctor*

      That book was kind of spoiled for me by none of the alleged bibliophiles involved being acquainted with Lloyd Alexander’s work. Is he not read outside the US?

    22. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I just finished Long Live Evil, a very intense book with a very intense Evil Cliffie (and I hope to get the second book as soon as it’s out). Still hoping that Alecto the Ninth will come out some day. Reading a big historical by Sharon Kay Penman–Henry III, Simon de Montfort, and a host of Welsh people who seem to think being occupied by the English is a bad thing. :)

    23. GoryDetails*

      Stumbled across this one in a local independent bookstore, and couldn’t resist it:

      Eight Very Bad Nights: A Collection of Hanukkah Noir, edited by Tod Goldberg.

    24. Bereavement Bear*

      I read Cashore’s Jane, Unlimited based on a recommendation from here, and I loved it; I thought it was kinda twee at first but not after it really got going. I got a little bit sad though because I used to loan books to my mom after reading them, and I knew she’d like this one because (most minor of spoilers):

      there’s a dog in the book who is a Very Good Boy, and she really loved dogs.

      I started thinking that maybe I’d loan it to my cousin who lives nearby, but that wasn’t satisfactory because she’s a bit flaky about getting together so we only see each other once a year or so, and consequently it took over a year for her to return the last book I loaned her. But then one of my online friends made a post about wanting to read one recommended book per month for the new year and I got in as the 11th recommendation! So that made me feel a bit better.

    25. Rosyglasses*

      I just finished the Booklover’s Library which was a lovely mix of book, history, WW2 and women creating community. Loved it! Also finished today The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison and promptly ordered the next book in that world. Was recommended here by someone and it was SOOO good!

  19. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I got the game Little Kitty Big City for Christmas and it’s been a blast. Lots of fun playfulness and the cat is very cat-like. Totally recommend.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      5yo daughter expressed interest in chess, so we got her the Storytime set for Christmas

      Any advice for teaching the game would be appreciated. I know the basics and follow the game somewhat, so more in need of help with the teaching aspect.

      1. Evvy*

        That’s around the age my dad started playing with me :) imo best way to teach is just play games with her! Show her the rules, show example moves, and try gently correcting if she tries to make an illegal move, but for really young kids I wouldn’t worry about it too much if they start wanting to make up their own rules or just mess around with the pieces. You might not get around to actually finishing a game with checkmate and that’s ok. When I was 5 I was more interested in playing horsey with the knights than actually learning the rules but the familiarity with the pieces and the general idea really paid off over the next few years—let her have fun with it and see what happens!

    2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Still playing Stardew Valley! I got Planet Crafter recently and am quite enjoying that too. It’s kind of chill.

    3. Reluctant Mezzo*

      My healer is *still* stuck in the Aetherochemical Research Facility. Seriously thinking about having her become a red mage and then switch back to healer once I’m through with Ascian Prime.

    4. skadhu*

      Veilguard. I am a huge Dragon Age fan but although I’m enjoying it I’m not doing so as much as I did with the first three games in the series. It… kind of feels like they sanded off all the rough edges and Disney-fied it. Or maybe that it’s turned into a Star Wars game (the latter of which I’ve played and enjoyed, but they are not DA).

      But maybe I just haven’t gotten far enough along in it, who knows. The critics all seem to love it but the player reviews aren’t great; that could be the result of review bombing, though. Has anyone else played it and do you have Thoughts about it?

  20. N C Kiddle*

    I mentioned in the Thanksgiving open thread that I was planning a big cycle ride on Boxing Day, well I managed it. It was a bit of an epic in the end.
    I discovered three days before Christmas that my saddle was raised to its highest extent, and what with everything else I had to sort out, I didn’t try to lower it until an hour before I set off. That was when I discovered I didn’t have the right tools. Nobody was around to lend me any, and all the shops were shut, so I ended up having to ride with an uncomfortably high saddle.
    Google Maps found me a route avoiding major roads, which was what I wanted, but it sent me along a lot of twisty country roads. I lost my way a couple of times and nearly ended up on the A1, exactly what I was trying to avoid. Then it sent me down some kind of farm track that I’m pretty sure was neither safe nor legal to cycle on. I ended up pushing for around a mile and a half. Fortunately I’d allowed plenty of time.
    The worst setback came about five miles from the end. I think I was meant to pick up a cycle path that ran parallel to the parkway, but I ended up on the parkway itself and then got hopelessly lost when I realised my mistake and came off it. After riding in circles for a while, I stopped again to look at the map and overbalanced because of the high saddle. Went full length on the pavement, running my jeans and skinning both knees. But I picked myself up and a kind passer by pointed me towards the cycle track and from there it was straightforward.
    What was supposed to be 27 miles and take around 3 hours ended up 40 miles in most of the six hours I allowed for it, but I did make it to my destination and I’m proud of having done it.

    1. Anima*

      Woof, what a story! Glad nothing major happened in your fall and cheers for doing the whole trip (and finishing it after a fall)!

    6. Tea & Sympathy*

      Wow. That sounds more like an endurance test than a bike ride. Good for you for finishing and having a positive outlook on it.

  21. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread. Urban settings qualify. What critters have you seen?

    A pair of great horned owls has moved in nearby for the second year in a row. I love listening to them call to each other at night. I went out late in the evening to see if I could find out exactly where they were. I followed the sound and using my headlamp, I located one of them high up in a tree just around the corner from me. So cool to see. (I was careful with the light, using the periphery of the beam, and didn’t keep it on very long.)

    1. Quitting Timely*

      A group of eleven wild turkeys visit my place a couple times a week. I also saw a deer (doe) once and another time a lone coyote was trotting down the street. But mostly I keep an eye on the erratic squirrels that literally climb the walls and doors—don’t think I’ve ever seen squirrels as wildly energetic as these!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m keeping an eye out for the Capitol Hill Coyote, which apparently likes the nightlife of Seattle!

    2. Lab rat*

      There are great horned owls in my neighborhood too, seeing them is always a delight. Late one winter night a few years ago, when everything in the house was quiet, I even heard one in the tree outside my house, while I was in the basement!

      More recently, I was sitting in my (basement suite) living room one evening over the summer and my cat suddenly looked very interested in the next room’s window. Because of the angle (cat on the floor and the window high up against the ceiling) I knew whatever my cat could see must be very close to the window. I peered around the corner but couldn’t see anything in the dark, so I slowly inched over to the window and climbed onto a chair to look out the window. There was a skunk butt 2 feet from my face, open window! Luckily skunks are actually quite chill. It didn’t even realize I was there and eventually wandered off after checking my flower bed for snacks.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Love the skunk-sighting! I’ve enjoyed seeing them in my yard in years past. Also had a ‘possum appear at my back door, perched on top of the porch railing; they’re a bit intimidating close up, with that long naked tail and that muzzle full of pointy little teeth…

    3. Shiny Penny*

      The mixed flock that slowly moves through my yard every day (hunting for insects in the underbrush) now includes several yellow crowned kinglets!
      They are so appealing.
      The rest of the flock includes all the regulars: towhees, juncos, fox sparrows.

      There is also a separate flock of hermit thrushes (“winter robins” is our local name for them). They are so shy I typically hardly see them unless a huge migrating flock has landed to rest and refuel here. These days I think we have 4 or 5 hanging around, and I hear their spooky whistle just out of sight, as they flee before I arrive. They are rototilling the edges of the gravel driveway as they hunt for food, but just in small patches. If a huge flock pauses here, great swaths of dirt get turned over.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Partner and I went for a few hours hike in Brazos Bend State Park last Saturday. The season is wrong for the alligator sightings, but we found a whole colony of the black headed vultures.
      Also, a flock of the black bellied whistling ducks made home in my local park. They are most but very cute.

    5. GreySuit*

      I was on our city lightrail this week and saw deer walking down the fence along the tracks! (There’s forested area on the other side.) They’re pretty rare where I am so it was a bit magical.

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We have our usual collection of chickadees, house sparrows, cardinals, and juncos around (the juncos are only here in the winter so they are special to me!) but this week the entertainment has been the squirrels! While in my city there are loads of them and they are basically considered pests, we’ve had many a laugh watching them frozen apples while sitting halfway up our large maple tree in the sunshine – you see these little chunks just go flying as they chomp away! And of course they love to chase each other, with impressive speed and acrobatics up and down the trees, fence, etc.

    7. E*

      I live in a very urban neighborhood just outside of Chicago. I saw a beautiful fox the other day. It crossed the street in front of my house, jumped the fence to get into my neighbors’ yard, then jumped the other fence to get into the alley. So quick and graceful.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I enjoy watching the Usual Suspects at my feeders, but within the last week or so – where my area got some bone-chilling low temperatures – I saw a mockingbird at the suet feeder. I’ve had mockers in my yard in years past, but for the last couple of years I haven’t seen any, so this one was welcome. No idea if it’s just passing through or if it plans to winter over in the area.

    9. Annie Edison*

      I learned about Nutrias this week! They look sort of like a beaver or a muskrat but have long, rat-like tails and swim in straight lines, whereas muskrats tend to weave side to side. There are two of them that live in the duck pond near my work and sometimes come out to nibble on grass by the sidewalk, and I think they’re absolutely adorable

      I also had a second sighting of the beautiful coyote I mentioned a few weeks ago, and we again made eye contact before she went trotting along on her way

    10. Maryn*

      This morning I happened to be looking at the wooded back yard at exactly the right time to see 16 wild turkeys descend gracefully from the treetops in under a minute. They’re so ungainly going up that it’s always a surprise how beautifully they come down.

    11. RC*

      We are in the mountains over the holidays and there are some squirrels but particularly one? a family of? chipmunks who is intent on TORMENTING one of the cats by refusing to GET IN HIS MOUTH, NOW and rather just going about their cute business of like, finding stuff to eat out of tree detritus and waving their tails.

      (The cats are definitively inside and not allowed out even though once he briefly did escape but we’ve remedied that. There are coyotes out there although we haven’t heard them this time around.)

      Birds this time of year seem to mostly be crows, but in the spring/summer there were a bunch of small cheepy birds that I have little hope of identifying. And sometimes jays.

    12. WestsideStory*

      Red tailed hawk circling over Columbus Circle yesterday while going into Whole Foods. (Yes this location is across from Central Park. Made my day.

    13. Peanut Hamper*

      I had a squirrel sitting on my balcony railing staring at me while I was working the other day. It actually looked rather angry me, like I should have been putting food out for it or something. I have no idea how to actually irritate or annoy a squirrel, though. Maybe he was angry about something else?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Squirrels can get downright thuggish when they get used to humans dispensing snacks. The ones on the UW campus will do everything but flick a switchblade and lean insouciantly against a motorcycle.

          1. I take tea*

            Does anyone here remember the 30 second bunny versions of films? Someone could do a spin-off with squirrels.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            “When you’re a squirrel
            You’re a squirrel all the way!
            From your first acorn cache
            To your last Tail-y wave!”

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Urban:
      Turkeys, rats, Canada geese, squirrels, seagulls, pigeons, crows, a raccoon, and one raven. The turkeys are the ones you’d least expect to see in the city, but they are a thing here thanks to a state conservation effort that apparently was waaaaaay more successful than anyone anticipated, lol.

      I’m sure there are other critters around, but that’s all I’ve seen. I’d like to see the raven again (I want it to be my friend!). Someone did spot a coyote in Cambridge, but I only saw it on video. I don’t think that counts.

    15. Retired Mostly*

      Possum that wandered back the field behind our house after dark. Then 3 deer. We also have a big flock of wild turkeys that show up regularly during the daytime.

    16. Missb*

      We live in a suburban area where lot sizes are half acre or more, usually much more. We see deer, coyotes, bald eagles, coopers hawks, raccoons etc. Rarely a quail. Sometimes a big cat and sometimes reports of a bear. There is a state park nearby.

      Last year we had an owl that would sit on our driveway gate around dusk. Pretty cool to see.

      But what is really fun is when it snows… after a snowfall, we like to go look at the hen house and try to identify all of the animal prints that came up to the hen house at night looking (unsuccessfully) for a way in.

    17. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m just starting a nonfiction book about owls that Husband got me for Christmas and they are fascinating creatures!

    18. Tea & Sympathy*

      Rural area in the Midwest. I very occasionally see a bald eagle in a tree along a local highway. Bald Eagles are relatively recent to this area, so still exciting to see one. Last week I drove by and saw two in the tree!

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Life near wildlife is different this year with a dog. I’m seeing no deer–but plenty of evidence that his otherwise occasional barks have scared them away. I’m being stopped on walks while he sniffs tiny footprints–mice, squirrels, birds galore, and if course the aforementioned deer. He of course is a dog and tries to eat scat, so I can tell you we did have something not yet mentioned visit–fox? coyote? stray dog?

      I’ve mentioned upthread that I saw 2 bald eagles near the highway– I’m going that way again today with someone else driving so I’ll look more!

    20. I take tea*

      I’ve enjoyed the birds at my mother’s feeder, especially the goldfinches and bullfinches, because of their pretty colours. There’s also a great spotted woodpecker. (Thanks go to Wikipedia for the translations. I have no idea what most birds are in other languages, and Wikipedia is really very practical for checking them.)

    21. Nervous Nellie*

      This year, one evening after thanking party hosts and stepping outside their front door to walk to my car parked in front of their house, I saw an enormous cat strolling past the neighbor’s garbage cans. By enormous I mean huge, massive, gargantuan. I walked backwards two steps, rang their bell and they let me back in. We all watched from their living room windows as a cougar (aka mountain lion) strolled up the middle of the street, sniffed at my car and strolled on. The hosts made two quick calls to the HOA Board president and to Fish & Wildlife to alert, as these gorgeous creatures are not terribly common in this suburb. It was amazing – huge, glossy coat, and a swagger like I’ve never seen. We guests all waited about an hour, and then left in noisy groups to get everyone safely into their cars.

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Wow! That’s an experience of a lifetime!
        I have a friend from Colorado and she points out that if you SEE a cougar, then it is most likely not hunting you. But that cougars may be up on the roofs of houses, too— and then they know you don’t see them.

    22. Blue wall*

      I’ve been on safari in Uganda this week so this feels like a bit of a cheat for the wild animals part. Two highlights:

      A giraffe hiding behind a bush for 10+ minutes. Top half of your neck and up are still visible, buddy.

      Stayed at a rhino ranch in a fancy platform tent, ie on a concrete pad, steps leading up to the porch, etc. Woke up in the middle of the night to some rustling. There was a rhino scratching his tusk on the bottom stair railing. We could see him clearly- had only the mesh of the tent closed and zipped. I was grateful he was not inclined to climb the stairs.

    23. Nihil Scio*

      A bit late to the party but…
      Up in a small town in the East Kootenays
      I found myself humming to the twelve days of Christmas
      One big old stag
      Three ravens chatting
      (Stopped for) Four turkeys crossing
      Five mule deer families
      And a herd of twenty or so elk

    24. Sara K*

      Big flock of galahs in the local park where I sometimes walk my dog. Australian ravens in my backyard using my birdbath (and absolutely emptying it of water due to their splashing). An echidna trundling along a path near my mum and dad’s house in the country. Rainbow lorikeets in the trees outside my work. Australian magpie ‘teenagers’ eyeing my dog as we walk near the river. Black swans with cygnets along the same river walk. Guess where I live :)

    25. Goldfeesh*

      I saw a full grown doe and a younger one in my driveway earlier this week as I was turning in to park. Not surprising since there are regularly 5 or 6 in my backyard. Occasionally a couple on my patio eating plants. No, I don’t feed them but we live along a creek in town and it’s a bit woodsy. Next year is Operation Fort Knox for the much-neglected garden since we haven’t done enough to keep them out of it.

    26. Chauncy Gardener*

      Ever so many deer….
      Lots of hawks of different sorts. Tons of juncos and blue jays, but hard to get a good read because I don’t have a feeder. Please see previous comment about hawks! lol
      Hearing Barred and Great Horned Owls at night too.

  22. The Prettiest Curse*

    What are you most proud of yourself for having done this year? Share your victories – of any size – below!

    I’m proud of myself for taking a class on making stained glass and for designing and making a small piece, even though I have minimal artistic talent and there was a lot about the process that I found really difficult.

    I’m also proud that I continued to stick with doing regular ballet classes at home, as it’s really helped with my my flexibility and overall fitness.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      What a nice post idea! At first I couldn’t think of anything so I went back and watched my 1 Second Everyday videos for ideas. I tend to procrastinate a lot and feel really guilty about my lack of follow-through but in retrospect I accomplished several of the things that kept getting pushed back: got my kids involved in some after school activities and sports, made a lot of progress fixing up my yard (including setting up a fire pit!), and put myself out there socially for the first time since Covid.

    2. Might Be Spam*

      I finally finished going through boxes from my move almost 2 years ago and also shredded a couple of boxes of papers that I don’t need anymore. I just need to finish sorting my craft and electronic supplies (roughly 2 bins worth left.) I haven’t felt this organized in about 20 years.
      I also lost 20 pounds this year. I’m just trying to maintain
      my weight over the holidays and I’ll go back to working on weight loss in January. I only have 8 pounds left to my goal weight. I might try for another 5 pounds to get back to my lowest adult weight, but I won’t obsess about it.

    3. N C Kiddle*

      I started learning to crochet in 2023, but this was the year I mastered the “magic circle”, which massively increased the number of things I can make. I made a classic granny square blanket that my daughter took away to university with her, contributed to a communal blanket my sibling was raffling off, and I’ve also mastered shaping which means the next project can be an amigurumi dinosaur.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        FYI: one of the current Humble Bundle packages is a set of 7 knitting, cross stitch and crochet e-books for $18, including a pattern book of The Woobles amigurumi patterns – any of these books is well more than that by itself.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I learned spinning and weaving this year and am very much enjoying both. :) I now have two spinners and three looms, when I started the year not even thinking of picking up either hobby. Something happened in March – I don’t even really know what – and I was off to the races.

    5. Mutually supportive*

      I’ve been to the gym twice a week, every week (well, a few sessions have moved to the previous/later week if I’ve been away, but still got them all in).

      I’m so glad because I haven’t been quite well most of the year, got burnout at work and at home (I was training for endurance sport and it was just too much), and have spent the second half of the year just trying to let my body restore. So I’m finishing this year a lot more overweight than I started it but feeling a billion times better in every way. And through all of that, I’ve been making those gym sessions regularly (sometimes with a mindset of “it doesn’t matter what I can lift, I’m just here to move my body and oil the joints!”) and I think that’s played a big part in feeling a lot better when almost all of my other sport has been put on pause, so I’m proud that I’ve stayed committed to going there. It helps a lot that the gym is ace; the weights classes, the instructors and the other participants.

      Looking forward to continuing with this in 2025 and starting to reintroduce some other sports and activity too.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’ve been sticking to my basic leg lifts, pullups and pushups, and squats, and have finally passed the plateau I always hit exercising where nothing happens for endless ages, and can actually see firmer arms and do two sets of 35 with ease!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Supported both kids through big life shifts. (One planned a wedding while also doing other big time consuming things re work; one had a job offer shift to the opposite coast and decided to take it.)

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I reorganized my garage. I hung 3 sets of shelves and several wall-track rails from which to hang things. It turned out even better than I expected. My husband helped a little with the shelves when I needed 2 sets of hands (sadly I’m the handy one) but I did 90% on my own. It was very fulfilling to tackle such a big project.

    8. HannahS*

      Two things:
      1. I passed the Big Exam for my medical subspecialty (I’m in Canada, so that’s the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons of Canada exam…a mouthful, sounds as stuffy and ridiculous as it is.) It was an absolutely terrible experience, and I studied for the *&($@-ing thing for months while working full-time as a medical resident, despite having a toddler who didn’t sleep through the night. It required a huge amount of self-discipline from me (not my strong suit, as a chronic procrastinator.) I was pretty proud of that.

      2. I started taking Hebrew classes once I was done the horrible exam above. It was something I’d wanted to do for a long time. It was, for me, a way of staking a claim on my own life–I am a person, and I get to do the things that I want, sometimes.

      1. Blue wall*

        I’m in rabbinical school full time and work a few jobs, and I feel exactly the same whether I do something Just For Me, not related to professional stuff or learning at all.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Beat cancer and am well on my way to rebuilding strength. Was able to do some fun activities with family who was hear from out of town that would not been possible 6 months ago!

    10. Double A*

      For starting a book and keeping at it! I started in April and I’ve written about 60,000 words. I work full time and have two kids under 6 so I just work on it in bits when I can. I had a vague goal to have a draft done by the one year mark but I don’t think that’s realistic, so my new goal is to hit the 100,000 word mark at one year.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Made it through the damn year, honestly. We had the Great Water Heater Incident in July and it was so incredibly stressful and exhausting. It did lead to a big purge of unused possessions and a rebuilt apartment, so Husband thinks it was worth it, especially the new flooring!

    12. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I found my way back into enjoying physical activities and have been doing some as regularly as I could – and craved them when I couldn’t do my preferred sports for a few days.
      Getting that enjoyment and craving for sports back was my main motivation for losing weight, and I am happy and a bit proud of having accomplished both.

    13. Miki*

      Started volunteering with the American Red Cross DAT (disaster action team: locally : fires) in May, then found out my state of IL has a Disaster service volunteer act and since I work for state government my two week deployment to North Carolina/Helene was covered in October, I didn’t have to use my vacation time (10 days) to deploy. It was very nice to meet all the other volunteers working in Asheville, Charlotte and all other towns in shelters/ community care stations (laundry, showers, ADA restrooms, medical care), emergency supply distribution centers, daily kitchens…
      Went in not knowing what to expect, but fully prepared to do anything they tell me to do in my track (LOGistics/FACilities): came out with the knowledge how RC operates on larger scale operations for disasters throughout the U.S.
      Witnessed first hand the destruction in and around Asheville, but also saw people leave shelters, which was heartwarming and just how appreciative they are of all that everyone is doing.
      Hoping I won’t have to go to another disaster any time soon, but it helps knowing I have another 14 days I can volunteer to help out.
      https://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/ilcs3.asp?ActID=113&ChapterID=2

    14. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I was county chair for the local Democrats. We live in a very red county where we have no hope whatsoever, but we made our presence known anyway.

    15. What I did in 2024*

      My husband died at the end of 2023, and I spent this year discovering and taking on all the aspects of our finances (paying bills! insurance! taxes! a bewildering variety of accounts! etc) and household tasks that he had handled. I felt completely overwhelmed at first. It was a steep and scary learning curve, and I worried a lot about my ability to cope without him.

      So my big accomplishment of 2024 was to learn a lot of new stuff that didn’t come naturally to me and take over all those tasks. There are still some gaps, but hopefully I won’t have any bad shocks in 2025 from unknown unknowns.

      1. MassChick*

        Wonderful to hear. Your dealing with a time of grief and stress is heartening for others too. I hope your life continues to grow in satisfying ways.

    16. Josephine Beth*

      I am so proud of taking up running at almost 50 years old! I trained for and ran a half-marathon, something that would have seemed truly impossible for past me. And I am looking forward to more training and more races in 2025.

    17. Nihil Scio*

      Said no to temptation every time I went grocery shopping
      Chocolate covered cookies? Nope
      A bag of chips? Nope
      All those chocolates on sale after every holiday? Nope

    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      Love this post idea!

      I got through LOTS of storage boxes/dressers/closets and threw away, donated to charity or gave to niblings things they wanted. I even went through my jewelry and gave away a bunch of that. Let the niblings wear it when they’re younger and will really enjoy it! And I feel so much lighter!

  23. Hello*

    I’m going to America!! Found some really cheap flights* for November 2025 so will be spending a week on the East Coast. Plan so far is Boston, D.C and a quick day in Philly before heading home.
    Any personal thoughts and recommondations on what to see and do? Hotels look expensive but I think its too early to plan them.

    *From Dublin there’s really cheap flights to most of the states. I live in North U.K but its actually cheaper and just as quick to fly to Dublin as it is to head down to a London airport (where the flights cost so much more!)

    1. Not Australian*

      Not been to Philly but there’s very good public transport in both Boston and DC, and also great places to eat in both. (My recs for those would be sadly out of date by now!) Can recommend the White House tour, National Gallery and Smithsonian – although you need to pick and choose by interest in the latter. We found Boston on the whole less interesting than DC – a personal choice – but there is a *really* good walking tour of the historic districts (guided by metal insets in the sidewalk) and Faneuil Hall has something for everyone. Also Harvard is worth a visit if that’s what floats your boat.

    2. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Fun!

      For Washington, D.C. see the museums and walk the memorials.

      For Boston, I made it a point to eat a lot of Boston clam chowder.

      Have you considered New York City? There are buses and trains to NYC from Washington, D.C and Boston.

      (I didn’t think Philadelphia had much besides the Liberty Bell and Philly cheesesteaks).

      1. mreasy*

        Maybe I’m biased but coming over without a trip to NYC would be a mistake I think! NYC and Philly are easy, but you may want to choose between Boston and DC. Also my NYers bias but I would lean toward DC, not least because the tremendous city of Baltimore is right there too.

      2. UKDancer*

        Definitely the Smithsonian and other museums. I loved the Air and Space museum and the Museum of the American Indian and the Sackler and Freer galleries (not sure if they’re all still there).

        I also loved the Lincoln Memorial because it’s so big and impressive. I also really enjoyed pottering around Georgetown. I remember going to a really good concert at the Kennedy Center which had amazing acoustics and was a lot of fun.

        I also loved doing a tour of Congress although I’m not sure how easy that is to arrange (I was there on business and one of my colleagues based there arranged it for us).

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Philadelphia has so much! The Liberty Bell is probably the lowest on the list for me– standing in a long line to see it just doesn’t do it for me. But that whole plaza is amazing. Independence Hall, the Constitution Center, the Weitzman Museum (a personal favorite, I think it’s really well constructed and interesting), with Franklin Institute and Franklin Court not too far away. Just walking through Old City can be really fun. The Art Museum is really special, plus there’s the Barnes Collection.

        And yes, it’s an easy Amtrak ride from Union Station in DC to 30th Street in Philly. Just be sure to get your tickets well in advance, because they get much more expensive than you expect and they’re certainly pricier than train tickets in the UK.

        1. Spacewoman Spiff*

          Thank you for the Philly defense! Agreed that there’s so much to do here, and a visit can look so different depending on a visitor’s interests. Honestly, just walking around the city can be so much fun—Philly is super walkable and dense enough that you can experience VERY different neighborhoods within even a 20- or 30-min walk. Second the recommendation to wander Old City (and hit Elfreth’s Alley while you’re there). There’s a new bar that just opened, which I haven’t been to yet…but it looks so interesting, Man out of trouble, actually one of the oldest bars in the city brought back into business, with some original details. The whole art museum area is beautiful even if you don’t go into a museum; and if you’re that way, be sure to stop by the gardens of the Rodin at least (I think the museum is pay what you wish). Magic Gardens, if you’re into outsider art. And again, just walking around: look up for some amazing building details, and look for murals—we’ve got stunning murals everywhere you look.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Old City is really cool to me (though someone from the UK will have a different pov). You will need free day of tickets for independence hall. I recommend a walk through Elfreth’s Alley and I like Christchurch a lot too.

      4. Sloanicota*

        There’s a very easy and pleasant train from DC to NY, and if you spring for the fastest one (the acela) it’s quite quick too.

    3. Undine Spragg*

      Check transit times between all that before you commit to locations, unless you have flights inside the US as well. Otherwise you are looking at 8 hours between Boston and DC, and Philly not much better. Even to NYC is 4 or 5 hours.

      If you do make it to Philly there is lots to do! Independence Hall is the location of the start of the American experiment, the first shot at a new kind of government. There are several art museums (Philly art museum, which has one of Van Gogh’s sunflower paintings, the sister to the one in Amsterdam; the Barnes museum, PAFA, and a Rodin museum). There’s a very eclectic museum, the Magic Garden made out of discarded bottles and bicycle wheels and broken decorations embedded in concrete. You should at least walk past city hall.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        The Barnes is a must-see – not like any other museum I’ve ever been to. It’s a short walk from there to the Philadelphia Art Museum and the Rodin Museum and that area is lovely. If the weather is decent, there’s a great path to walk along the river. Eat in Chinatown.

        In NYC my favorite museum is the Frick – not sure if they’re back in their own building yet. Worth seeing wherever they are.

        In DC, the Renwick is part of the Smithsonian in a different area of the city, not the National Mall, and it’s one of my all-time favorite museums. It’s the museum of American Craft and the collection is remarkable, including some magnificent glass, pottery, and fiber work and representing a very diverse group of artists. There’s also Planet Word, which is a museum of language. Many of the exhibits are geared to kids – as a serious language nerd, I still found it really enjoyable.

        The Gardner in Boston is similar to the Barnes and the Frick in that the original collection was amassed by one person and the museum is in their home (or, in the case of the Barnes, a re-creation of the home). All three were massively wealthy. Gardner and Barnes were somewhat, um, eccentric in addition, so those spaces are much quirkier. As much as I adore the Frick, the Barnes and Gardner museums are more interesting in many ways.

        1. Rrose Selavy*

          (The Frick is closed for renovations until spring of 2025.)

          If you are at all interested in Marcel Duchamp, a visit to the Philadelphia Art Museum is a must. It has the world’s largest collection of his work, including The Bride Stripped Bare By Her Bachelors, Even (aka “The Large Glass”) and Étant donnés.

          To me, Boston, Philly, and DC are all very “American Revolution/history” cities so maybe that’s why you chose them. But Boston isn’t really *that close* to the other two… Would definitely recommend taking Amtrak (train) rather than flying. By the time you factor in travel to airport, security line hassle, boarding, deplaning, etc. the train probably takes the same amount of time, or less.

          Depending on when you come in November, just remember Thanksgiving is a federal holiday and most touristy things will be closed that day.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I highly recommend the Gardner. If you go to the North End, bring cash; some of those little food places and bakeries like Modern Pastry are cash only.

          The Boston Public Library’s Central Branch (the McKim Building) at Copley Square in Back Bay is worth a visit. It has an art and architecture tour. I can see it from my work. :)

      1. Hello*

        Thanks all. I’ve been to NYC before so happy to skip it this time. My plan is to fly to Washington National airport since its close to the city, and take an amtrack (one for the bucket list) to Philly which I believe is only 2 hours or so.

        Baltimore wasn’t on my radar but I’ll have a gander

        Manchester sometimes has cheap flights to the states, but not as much as there was before COVID. I’m near Leeds, so it’s about £15 to get to Dublin on the night flight! Ireland to US & Asia has typically been £100 to £200 less than flying from MAN whenever i look (which is lot!)

    5. NortheastTravel*

      As a New Yorker who lived in Philadelphia and is now a Bostonian, I strongly urge you to spend more time in Philadelphia. I don’t know your preferences, but it’s got some of the best museums, outdoor activities, water activities, historical sites, and quirky activities around. Some personal favorites:

      1. The Franklin Institute – not quite as nice as it used to be, but still one of the two best science museums (I’ve been to >40; the other one is the Ontario Science Center in Toronto).

      2. Penns Landing – parkland on waterways, historical ship tours, maritime museum

      3. Franklin Court – Benjamin Franklin’s home coupled with the first post office, an old time printing shop, and a fabulous underground museum

      4. Philadelphia Zoo – oldest zoo in US and one of the nicest

      5. University of Pennsylvania Museum – an archaeology and anthropology museum bar none

      6. ENIAC – if you’re already at or around Penn, dip into the EE building at 33rd and Walnut to see ENIAC

      And a whole bunch more, and even more if you’re willing to go outside the city to nearby places (Longwood Gardens and the Brandywine River Museum, not to mention Brandywine Battlefield Park can, on their own, make a great weekend -and the Hagley Museum just over the border in Delaware is fabulous too).

      I second Baltimore – I’ve spent an entire week without leaving the inner harbor, but there are a ton of other cool and interesting things to do too. I’ll focus mainly on the harbor since it’s unlikely you’ll go very far afield if you’re just spending a day or two:

      1. National Aquarium – it’s one of the nicer aquariums around, and one of the largest

      2. Maryland Science Center – it’s quite nice for a mid-size science museum

      3. Baltimore Museum of Industry – right on the water but not in the inner harbor, it’ll make you realize how much short shrift the industry part gets in most science and industry museums (and I say this as someone who’s all about the science)

      4. Fort McHenry – not on the harbor, but you can take a ferry from the inner harbor. One of the nicer historical national parks, highly recommend.

      5. Almost anything else in the inner harbor (ship tours, Baltimore World Trade Center, etc)

      6. McCormick and Schmicks – high end chain seafood restaurant that’s right on the water and has outdoor seating overlooking much of the inner harbor. Good, not great, food but the most relaxing and enjoyable meal.

      Let me also put my voice into the group cautioning against doing DC and Boston on the same trip. I would even recommend not foing it if flying, but definitely not by train. I don’t think you understand how awful train travel is in the US. The northeast corridor has the best train service in the US, but that is truly damning with faint praise.

      Washington-Baltimore-Philadelphia is fine. Philadelphia-NYC is decent, although it gets backed up and isn’t as nice as it used to be. As soon as you hit New England it’s a disaster. The tracks are ancient and have severe speed limits. The tracks cross a lot of real roads and have traffic jams. It’s a mess. The last time I took the train from Baltimore to Boston it took just over 12 hours. The last time I took it at all it took almost 3 hours from Mystic/New London Connecticut to Boston.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Second this. I took Amtrak round-trip from NYC to Boson last summer. Up to Boston was great. On the way back to NYC we got stuck in New Haven because there was a broken track between New Haven and Penn Station. I ended up with my luggage on a commuter train, which took an hour longer and was no fun.

      2. Bawlmer*

        If you decide to add Baltimore, also check out the Visionary Art Museum. And the MARC commuter train can be an easy and inexpensive way to travel between Baltimore and DC.

    6. Llellayena*

      Boston and DC in a week is probably overly ambitious, they’re about 8 hours apart. You’d lose a couple days in travel time especially once you throw Philly in the mix. I’d stick with DC and maybe that day trip to Philly. In DC I recommend the Native American Museum and the Spy Museum. National Air and Space Museum is also awesome. Don’t try to do more than 2 museums/planned activities in a day though. You’ll wear out your legs! In Philly, see if there’s a food tour. That will take you to a few different places and get you the Philly atmosphere.

    7. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      Someone else mentions attractions in the Brandywine Valley and I want to add an ENTHUSIASTIC second. (My husband grew up in that area and still has family nearby so I am familiar from those visits; we live in Wisconsin.) Longwood Gardens is extraordinary even if you aren’t a garden buff (even better if you are) (I don’t remember when their Christmas decorations go up but if you will be there during that window it is well worth your time); the Brandywine River Museum is a lovely building with a great staff and a terrific collection of Wyeths — the combination of the building architecture, the light, and the light in the paintings is just magical. If you have more time, I also highly recommend Winterthur (another DePont legacy).

      2. NortheastTravel*

        That was me. However, note that you’ll need to rent a car. I would dissent on the Christmas recommendation for Longwood Gardens, although it’s still wonderful. But Christmas kind of takes over and a lot of the normal fantastic stuff is unavailable.

        If you’re up to renting a car, I can recommend other really lovely options between DC and NY (or Boston, if you insist).

    9. Boggle*

      The Mutter Museum is some place I’d love to go in Philly. It is attached to the College of Physicians and contains historical medical collections/exhibits. Enjoy your trip!

      1. Boggle*

        Sorry for the second posting, did not think the first was added due to the link to the museum website.

        1. FalafalBella*

          I spent the first 40 years of my life in Philadelphia and now live in the Boston area. Both cities are fun for tourists; however, they are too far apart for your week visit. I actually think Washington, DC is the best place to start (and end) your visit. The museums are free and so varied, depending on your interests. If the weather is half-decent, the Lincoln Memorial, Vietnam Memorial and WWII monument are musts. Two other places to visit in DC are the US Supreme Court and the Folger Shakespeare Library- especially if Court is in session and/or there is a performance scheduled during your visit. You can experience Shakespeare from a different vantage point!

    10. Clumsy Ninja*

      It’s been about 15 years since I was in DC, but one thing we did that was surprisingly awesome was a moonlight tour of the monuments. I would absolutely do that again.

    11. Seashell*

      You may have already factored this in when picking your date, but I would definitely avoid the time around Thanksgiving, as it’s a horrible time to travel within the US.

      Also, Veterans’ Day (same as Remembrance Day in the UK) isn’t likely to impact much as far as restaurants, shopping, etc., but since it’s a federal holiday, so it might affect some government-related sightseeing.

      1. bay scamp*

        I love traveling during Thanksgiving, some of my best travel memories are of going to New Orleans instead of doing the usual Thanksgiving stuff, so this person’s mileage may (literally?) vary!

    12. Hello*

      Thanks everyone for the responses – lots more to consider! I know a few of you have picked up on travel time being an issue, but I’ve actually booked a multi-city ticket so this isn’t a massive issue for me. I fly into Boston and out from Philly, hence them being my starting and end points (sorry should have made that clearer at the start!)

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      if you take Amtrak between Boston & DC, you might want to consider a brief stop over in New Haven Connecticut– Yale University, various museums, and some Colonial US history. Depending on time of year, the Amistad may be in its home port

    14. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      I live in the DC area. Most of the museums (all of the Smithsonian) are free, so you can dip in and out. Pick the ones that suit your interest. If you’re flying in or out of Dulles, there’s an extension of the Air and Space Museum very close by including a Space Shuttle on display. Downtown DC is quite walkable.

      DC to Boston is long unless you’re flying, though. Between DC and New York City train travel is feasible – great by US standards – but north of New York it gets slow.

  24. Hypatia*

    Looking for recommendations for great books for an 11th grade boy to read.
    I’ll be homeschooling my HS kid for a semester, and for English, I like having an assortment of books. Some for comprehension, thinking about themes, the usual English class stuff, and then some for fun/pleasure. He’s a fast reader, and if he likes a series he’ll devour it quickly.
    Not a fan of romance, though a little is okay. we’ve done a bunch of the typical HS novels, ( to kill a mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, Gatsby…) but will take any suggestions. In US history, well be looking at WWII and onwards, so novels related to those time periods would be great.

    1. InkyFingers*

      First WWII novel that comes to my mind is _Saving Private Ryan_, by Max Allan Collins.

      Now, if you’d be interested in nonfiction that’s as gripping as fiction, there’s a bunch I could recommend!

    2. Squidhead*

      I will never not recommend Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books. They’re fiction, semi-fantasy/satire and the more you read the more you realize what a keen eye Pratchett had for how humans (individuals and as a society) work. There are lots of reading guides online because there are several “sub-series”…typically I’d recommend starting with the Watch/Vimes series (first book is Guards! Guards!) or the Witch series (first book is Wyrd Sisters). Of these, the Watch books are probably slightly more accessible to a new reader of the series.

    3. eisa*

      WW II related, if you want to branch out to Europe :
      “When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit” by Judith Kerr
      “Time to Go Back” by Mabel Esther Allan

      1. Angstrom*

        11th grade was a long time ago… :-)
        Fiction:
        If he enjoys old writing styles, the Edgar Rice Burroughs Martian series was fun for me at that age. Might also enjoy some of the classic SF collections such as Arthur C. Clarke’s “The Wind from the Sun” or Isaac Asimov’s “Nightfall”.
        Ursula K. LeGuin’s “Very Far Away From Anywheere Else”(geeky teen romance) spoke to me at the time.
        Alistair MacLean’s “H.M.S. Ulysses” was a favorite WWII novel.

        Nonfiction:
        I liked the shorter pieces by John McPhee: Current titles include The John McPhee reader and Second Reader, Uncommon Carriers, Silk Parachute, etc.
        WWII: “With the Old Breed” by Eugene Sledge is a firsthand account of the brutality of the Pacific war.
        Korea: “The Last Stand of Fox Company” describes a small-unit action during the withdrawal from the Chosin reservoir.
        If there’s an interest in physics/engineering: “Why Buildings Fall Down” and “Structures, or why things don’t fall down”. The latter has a few references to women that are typical of the time (“faculty wives”, etc.) but those could be discussion points.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Maybe some Ray Bradbury short stories too on the science fiction side?

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I can give you a long list of books for the Leaving Cert. course. In Ireland, teachers choose 3 or 4 books from this list to do with our equivalent of 11th and 12th graders.

      Novel / Memoir
      ADICHIE, Chimamanda Ngozi Purple Hibiscus
      AUSTEN, Jane Pride and Prejudice
      BARKER, Pat The Silence of the Girls
      BARRETT, Colin Young Skins
      BRONTË, Anne The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
      BUI, Thi The Best We Could Do
      CHANDLER, Raymond The Big Sleep
      DOERR, Anthony All the Light We Cannot See
      DU MAURIER, Daphne Rebecca
      GARMUS, Bonnie Lessons in Chemistry
      GREGORY, Tom A Boy in the Water
      HARDY, Thomas The Mayor of Casterbridge
      KEEGAN, Claire Small Things Like These
      McCORMACK, Mike Notes from a Coma
      O’FARRELL, Maggie Hamnet
      OWENS, Delia Where the Crawdads Sing
      PINEIRO, Claudia Elena Knows
      RASH, Ron The Cove
      STOKER, Bram Dracula
      WHITEHEAD, Colson The Underground Railroad
      5
      Drama
      CARR, Marina Girl on an Altar
      EURIPIDES Medea
      HANSBERRY, Lorraine A Raisin in the Sun
      KEANE, John B. Sive
      Mc MAHON, Phillip Once before I go
      MILLER, Arthur The Crucible
      WADE, Laura Colder Than Here
      SHAKESPEARE, William Macbeth
      The Merry Wives of Windsor

      There are also films and a list of poetry, if those are of any interest.

      Those are for the exam in 2026, so for students currently in the equivalent of 11th grade. I’ll check the list for another year and see what extra there is.

      The list for 2022:
      ADICHIE, Ngozi Chimimanda Americanah
      ATKINSON, Kate Behind the Scenes at the Museum
      ATWOOD, Margaret The Handmaid’s Tale
      AUSTEN, Jane Persuasion
      BARRY, Sebastian Days Without End
      BRONTË, Emily Wuthering Heights
      DOERR, Anthony All the Light We Cannot See
      DONOGHUE, Emma Room
      ELIOT, George Silas Marner
      ISHIGURO, Kazuo Never Let Me Go
      LEVI, Primo If This Is A Man
      O’CONNOR, Nuala Miss Emily
      O’CONNOR, Joseph Star of the Sea
      PEACE, David The Damned Utd
      RASH, Ron The Cove
      SHELLEY, Mary Frankenstein
      TAYLOR, Sarah The Lauras
      WALLACE, Jason Out of Shadows
      WESTOVER, Tara Educated
      WILDE, Oscar The Picture of Dorian Gray (1891 version)
      4
      Drama
      BURKE-BROGAN, Patricia Eclipsed
      CARR, Marina By the Bog of Cats
      FRIEL, Brian Philadelphia, Here I Come!
      IBSEN, Henrik A Doll’s House
      RAINE, Nina Tribes
      SAMUELS, Diane Kindertransport
      SHAKESPEARE, William Macbeth
      Othello
      SOPHOCLES Oedipus the King

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      On interesting themes:
      The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson posits a post-disaster future in which scientists figure out how to shift a traveler to a few hundred worlds similar to our own. But the universe only allows one copy of a person in each universe, so your traveler needs to be someone who’s dead on that world. Which means the people on the outskirts of society, who have led awful lives and died on most worlds, are suddenly of economic value to the ruling class. This is a stand alone, but there is a very good sequel set ten years later and built around a minor character from this book.

      Given his age, I might be interested in his take on Naomi Novik’s Scholomance series? My husband and I both found it incredibly stressful to read the first time because she perfectly evokes that sense of always evaluating threats that marks the high school social jungle, except that here the monster is literal and will eat you. It’s all about privilege, quite explicitly. Like if you move up a step to being more protected, and having more paths open to you, what can you do?

    6. Llellayena*

      Ender’s Shadow, Shadow of the Hegemon, Shadow of the Giant. All by Orson Scott Card. Most people recommend Ender’s Game and it’s useful to have read that first for context, but not necessary. Ender’s Shadow is a parallel book to Ender’s Game, overlapping stories, different main characters. The Shadow series gets deep into politics, societal manipulation, and psychology. It’s probably a fantastic jump off into governmental studies, which is important since he’s getting near voting age.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz
      Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl
      George Orwell, 1984
      Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
      James Joyce, Dubliners
      Margaret Atwood, Handmaid’s Tale
      Geoffrey Chaucer, Canterbury Tales (selections)
      Beowulf
      John Gardner, Grendel
      Shakespeare

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        As a companion to *1984* and the other dystopian views of where our history may be leading us, Sinclair Lewis’s *It Can’t Happen Here* might be timely. He wrote it after his wife came back from a visit to Germany in the early 1930s and was appalled at the way things were going. Lewis took a look at the political trends in the US at the time and saw that we might be heading in a similar direction. It’s a novel about a contrary New England newspaperman who suffers great losses standing up against a new populist regime in the US but who never gives up the fight.

        1. Llellayena*

          Oh yes. And then you need to find a stage performance of it. With the right actors you feel the draw of the propaganda and how you can get sucked in. I think every theater should run that play every 4 years…right around September or so…

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I swear there was a movie of this, or similar, and I saw it on YouTube. I think it was British?
          Or maybe I’m imagining it?!

        3. Sutemi*

          Another good companion to 1984 is Julia, by Sandra Newman and authorized by the Orwell estate. I thought it had a lot more color and perspective on the same world as 1984.

    10. HannahS*

      The Kiterunnner by Khaled Hosseini, or A Thousand Splendid Suns (same author)

      Maus by Art Spiegelman

      Lord of the Rings (if he hasn’t read it yet)

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      For fun, maybe a Nero Wolfe mystery novel, like *Some Buried Caesar*? If he likes it, the series has a lot of books, and they were written from the early 1930s to the early 1970s, so you can trace what’s going on in the world and what social concerns are in several of the books as the series progresses: *Too Many Cooks* is set in the Jim Crow south in the 1930s (with Nero Wolfe coming in with a progressive take on race relations); *The Second Confession* gives a sense of the anti-Communist feeling of the late 1940s-early 1950s; *The Black Mountain* is an adventure set behind the Iron Curtain in the 1950s; *The Doorbell Rang* is about FBI surveillance overreach in the early 1960s.

    12. FACS*

      Nonfiction recommendation is The Boys in the Boat about the 1936 US Olympic 8 man rowing team. My sons each devoured it in a day after I did.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      They’re a little earlier than your target history time, but Betty MacDonald’s *The Plague and I* is a surprisingly funny narrative about a year in a TB sanatorium in the late 1930s, and her *Anybody Can Do Anything* is also quite funny and about the 1930s employment market.

    14. fhqwhgads*

      Stranger in a Strange Land, The Sun Also Rises, Brave New World, A Raisin in the Sun, Fences, The Sound and the Fury

    15. Double A*

      “The Things They Carried” about the Vietnam War was my absolute favorite book to teach, and I taught it in 11th grade. I would go as far to call it essential reading, especially for a teenage boy.

      I just finished Lonesome Dove and I think everyone should read it and it would be an incredible book to use to discuss models of masculinity. It’s set in the 1870s or so, though. American West. It’s a Western but so much more.

    16. Clisby*

      WW2 –
      Hiroshima, by John Hersey. Not a novel – it describes the US nuclear attack on Hiroshima and its aftermath, focusing on six people who lived through it. Not very long – I think it was first published as an entire issue of The New Yorker.

    17. goddessoftransitory*

      For WWII, I recommend Connie Willis’s companion novels, Blackout/All Clear. They’re long but very compelling and give a real sense of what living through the war was like for the people on the ground.

      They are set in her Oxford time-travel historians milieu; for a shorter introduction check out her novella Fire Watch in the short story collection of that name.

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve got a combo for you to consider. The Good War: An Oral History of World War 2 by Studs Turkel…. followed by World War Z by Max Brooks.

      The zombie book is patterned on the WWII book, and there’s interesting parallels and differences.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        It’s about “the Scarlet Pimpernel of the Vatican” during World War II, the priest who would save Jews and then retreat to the independent Vatican state.

        I don’t know how close to the real story it is. I suspect O’Connor has taken a fair few liberties and made it more of a thriller than it probably was, but still.

    21. HBJ*

      Check out the book lists from book-heavy/living book/literature-based homeschool curriculums. These will tend to be “good quality” books, too. Will post a link to website has some great lists in a reply to this.

  25. RussianInTexas*

    What are non serious and maybe not even good movies can you rewatch over and over? For me they are:
    The Mummy (from 1999)
    Stardust
    Robin Hood: Men in Tights
    Rogue One

    1. Mystery*

      – Any of the first three Indiana Jones.
      – Any of the Muppet films, but especially Muppet Treasure Island.

    2. UKDancer*

      For me, definitely The Mummy 1 and 2.

      I’d also say

      Taking of Pelham 123 (original version) – I just love Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw
      Airplane
      Final Destination
      Thoroughly Modern Millie
      One of our Dinosaurs is Missing
      Raiders of the Lost Ark (I can’t watch Temple of Doom – the sacrifice scene always gives me nightmares)
      Ghostbusters (original version)
      Team America World Police
      Star Trek the Voyage Home
      Pretty much any of the Roger Moore Bond films

      I’d add Silence of the Lambs, Jaws and anything by John Carpenter but you specified non-serious so they maybe don’t count but I can watch them again and again.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Christmas rewatchers: I actually think all of these are good, and at least one is also serious, but none are grim.

      The Martian
      The Princess Bride
      The Mitchells vs The Machine
      Jules
      Barbie
      And new this year: The Wild Robot

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I will cosign all of your list (I wouldn’t have thought of Stardust but now that you mention it).

      Also:
      Jungle Cruise (gave me very strong Mummy feels, honestly — bluestocking lass and her endearingly hapless but ultimately helpful brother meet up with a mysterious adventurer and have the adventure and win the day)
      Armageddon (but only if I’m willing to cry, because the relationship and interactions between Liv Tyler and Bruce Willis absolutely slay me every time)
      The Birdcage (with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane)

      But weirdly, if I don’t know what to watch, my default is to go to PBS and pick a Ken Burns documentary. I think I’ve watched the Civil War and WWII and Vietnam ones at least twelve times each.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Prohibition, yes — and his Baseball one is fascinating too, even if you’re not normally a baseball fan. (He is, and it shows.)

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I would also add:
      Super 8
      Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1
      Thor: Ragnarok
      Spirited Away
      Hot Fuzz

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, I forgot about this one! It’s the one with “I collect manure”, right? And the car Antichrist. I named a really crappy car that once.

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        Oh my gosh, it’s been too long since I watched this. My mom loved it so much that one year for Christmas she gave it to every member of the family. (Yes, on VHS.)

    8. GoryDetails*

      Oh, lots! One that comes to mind for its seasonal elements:

      We’re No Angels (the 1955 version, starring Humphrey Bogart, Aldo Ray, and Peter Ustinov)

      On the offbeat side:

      Bubba Ho-Tep, from 2002: based on a Joe R. Lansdale story, it focuses on two elderly men in a nursing home – one, played by Bruce Campbell, claims to be Elvis Presley, who switched places with one of his impersonators to get away from the pressure of celebrity, only to be stranded in his new identity when the impersonator died as the real Elvis. The other, played by Ossie Davis, claims to be JFK – saved from death after Dallas, but disguised as a black man and put out of the way. The pair join forces to save the other nursing home residents (including a man who goes by the name “Kemosabe” and is never seen without his Lone Ranger outfit) from… an animated mummy in Wild West garb! Yeah, it’s… offbeat. Also very funny. Also surprisingly touching. And with a truly kick-ass musical score.

      1. InkyFingers*

        Ha, just came to add Bubba Ho-tep but you beat me to it!

        Also:
        R.E.D. (Retired, Extremely Dangerous)—Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovitch & Helen Mirren
        Erasure—Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vanessa Williams
        Pretty Woman
        Miss Congeniality

        1. GoryDetails*

          Yeah, I’d never have expected to get teary at such a deliciously ludicrous movie, but the ending gets me every time! “All is well”…

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        Galaxy Quest is my go-to feel-good laugh my ass off then have a little tear or two movie. Next is A League of Their Own, I also frequently go back to nearly all Billy Wilder movies (The Apartment, Stalag 17, Some Like it Hot, Avanti!, 1-2-3, and really, all the others), Victor/Victoria, two oldies – The Shop Around the Corner and Holiday. And dozens I’ll think of five minutes from now!

      3. GoryDetails*

        Oh, yes! Adore Galaxy Quest – have to watch it whenever it comes around on cable. Just so on-point!

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Nooooo Rogue One is really good and not unserious!

      1985 Fright Night (I’ve seen that movie around a hundred times)
      Total Recall — it’s hilarious
      Krull – cheeseball ’80s fantasy film
      Beetlejuice
      The Dark Knight (my favorite Batman film)
      Tim Burton’s Batman (not the sequels)
      Edward Scissorhands
      Ghostbusters never gets old, although Venkman is a creep (I really liked Afterlife and Frozen Empire)
      Aliens

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, the 1999 Mummy for sure!

      Also A Christmas Story (every year on TV); I can just tune in and out of that one all day.

      Raiders of the Lost Ark; I still get shivers at the final scene.

      Fandango: a small independent film from the early nineties starring a then unknown Kevin Costner. A road trip film with surprising poignancy.

    13. Valkyrie*

      Death Becomes Her is one my my all time favorites. My friend and I used to watch it together every Friday the 13th (when we still lived in the same city). I love it so much.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I do love Death Becomes Her – it’s ridiculous and yet irresistible. When I heard there was a musical version I desperately wanted to see it, but not quite enough to make a trip to New York.

    15. Mrs. Frisby*

      I love Spy with Melissa McCarthy. Just makes me laugh every time.
      The new Jumanji with the Rock also falls into this category for me.

    16. Rocky*

      A Fish Called Wanda
      Dave
      The American President
      Galaxy Quest (and the documentary about it, which is wonderful)
      The Wizard of Oz
      Legally Blonde
      Diary of Bridget Jones
      The Devil Wears Prada
      Roman Holiday

      I have watched all of these multiple times.

    17. Not Australian*

      The ‘Night at the Museum’ trilogy has so much for everybody! Also, for some reason, I’m a sucker for American football feelgood stories: ‘Invincible’, ‘Remember the Titans’, and ‘We Are Marshall’ are all films I can rewatch ad nauseam … although ‘Marshall’ always has me in floods of tears throughout so it’s something I have to treat with great caution.

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll add Local Hero, and Tremors for extremes.

      You movie lovers might like our pandemic lockdown game– we picked a movie by having at least one connection to the previous one watched. That was usually cast member but could have been a remake, 2 films by the same producer, soundtrack composer, etc.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Hee hee, Tremors! Michael Gross and Reba Mcintyre as survivalists are so great. “You barely got penetration even with the elephant gun!”

    19. I take tea*

      I love Legally Blonde. The story is so wholesome and focuses mostly on friendship (especially between women) and personal growth.

      Big Business with Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin is a forgotten pearl from the 1980’s about to sets of twins. It’s really funny and also has good points about finding a life that works for you.

    20. Mephyle*

      I see Miss Congeniality mentioned – that’s my go-to comfort watch when I’m on a flight. If I scroll through the selection and I don’t feel like taking a chance on something I haven’t watched before, then my choice always defaults to Miss Congeniality.

    21. cue*

      Annie Hall
      Radio Days
      High Anxiety
      Young Frankenstein
      The Shining
      The Exorcist
      Finding Neverland
      Superman

    22. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

      1999 Mummy absolutely yes
      The Thin Man
      The Philadelphia Story
      Tucker and Dale versus Evil

    25. Bike Walk Barb*

      – Fifth Element
      – Princess Bride
      – Galaxy Quest
      – Star Trek reboot movies
      – For whatever reason, periodically we rewatch all the Jason Bourne and Bourne Legacy movies in order

      I’m with you on your list. Stardust is my “If I’m in a mood for Princess Bride and we just watched it” runner-up.

    26. Chauncy Gardener*

      Shrek (the first)
      A Midsummer’s Night Sex Comedy
      Night at the Museum (both)
      Ghostbusters (the first)
      James Bond (Roger Moore only)
      The Sound of Music
      Spy
      Raiders of the Lost Ark

  26. How to Not Sneeze*

    Earlier this month I aggravated an old back injury (SI joint). I’ve been doing all the exercises I got in PT the last time I sprained it and it’s slowly getting better, but I feel like I keep losing progress every time I sneeze. I forgot what a full-body effort it is, and the act of sneezing causes my SI joint to spasm painfully. Unfortunately, I have that genetic quirk that causes me to sneeze when I look at bright lights, so it’s hard to avoid.

    Back when I was in high school, the received wisdom was that saying “watermelon” over and over again would stop you from sneezing; that did work for me before, but my brain is wise to that one now. Does anyone else have any good tricks I could adopt?

    1. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Try holding a finger under your nose when you feel a sneeze coming on. Somehow this always stops my sneezes, and I recently saw someone else doing it—so maybe it’ll also help you?

    2. BackSolidarity*

      No, and this is one of the most annoying parts of back issues (I have 9 herniated disks), especially if you have allergies or any other chronic breathing issues. I even tried to get meds the first time I had bronchitis after the back issues emerged thanks to how aggravating the coughing was but couldn’t (in general, the preferred treatment for bronchitis in the 21st Century is to let it take its course; at most you might get some ineffective OTC recommendations if you push).

      Sorry. If you find something let the rest of us know.

    3. HannahS*

      I find that firmly pinching the bridge of my nose right where the cartilage meets bone really helps stave it off.

    4. strawberry lemonade*

      When you feel the urge—not the pressure build up but just the feeling coming on—press your tongue really hard to the top of your mouth, just behind your hard palate.

    5. Harlowe*

      My MIL was instructed to avoid sneezing by her doctor because her RA and osteoporosis were so bad. She found luck with two things: constant moisturizing around/under her nose and lips (to keep the skin supple and avoid dryness) and room humidifiers (to keep the air very moist and prevent irritating the nasal passages).

    6. Shiny Penny*

      For me, sneezing has a lot to do with the really specific microtopography/microenvironment in my sinuses at that given moment. If I can blow my nose right away, I’ll usually be able to stop the impending sneeze.
      As I’m fumbling to pull out a tissue, I’ll also be pressing hard on the space between my nose and upper lip to delay the sneeze.

    7. Seconds*

      Others have mentioned pressing under your nose. That stopped working for me after a while, unfortunately.

      I have found for me that what is even more effective is to simply lay a finger on the septum inside the nostril. I don’t really need pressure. This comes with its own disadvantages, of course —but it’s what works best for me when I’m desperate not to sneeze.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It won’t help with the light trigger but sinus irrigation worked wonders for my allergy sneezes. That and a simple cotton pandemic mask meant I could mow the lawn without suffering afterwards.

      For the light, I stop walking and cover my eyes until the urge goes away. Hats and sunglasses seem to cut down on these sneezes. In high school I actually changed the path.I took to classes to avoid one hallway at a certain time of day because for me it’s the sun in a specific angle that does it.

    9. Mephyle*

      I don’t know if this will help you or not, but many years ago when I had one of those endless coughing viruses, the doctor told me that some people cough so badly they break a rib. To avoid that, he said, arch the back instead of rounding it while coughing.
      We tend to instinctively bend forward and round our backs when we cough, and maybe when we sneeze too. So if the sneeze is inevitable, would it help if you do the opposite of rounding your back?

    10. I take tea*

      I had no idea that the sneezing from bright light is genetic. Huh. I sneeze from a lot of other things, among others from eating too much – it’s apparently called snatiation. Just as a tip. The tongue pressing thing helps a bit, but I’m eager to try out the other tips here.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep, the scientific acronym is ACHOO: Autosomal dominant compelling helio-ophthalmic outburst syndrome.

  27. Anon just in case!*

    How do people live their life in a familiar world, as the next generation changes underneath them?

    In my experience other 40+ year olds and I share a common baseline—which to my surprise cuts across sociopolitical alignment—and which is not shared by folks in their 20s, even if they appear to be of just the same social set that I was of when I was in MY 20s. I feel like this similarity correlates most strongly with age (ie, the era someone grew up in), so it then becomes the timeless lament of “kids these days”. But I’m not old enough to have figured out what to do about it!

    What’s your experience been of this?

    I think the answer is that most people tend to live in a social world defined by their age-peers. Not ignoring other generations, but interfacing with them from the home-base of a life rooted among their own age-peers.

    In my own life, for a long time I’ve seen the 20-somethings living similar social/political lives to me as peers in that shared world I live in, but now nearing 40, when I take stock I see that’s not the case, and the group I really click with is 65+ folks and a few outlier young people—which isn’t really sustainable as that older generation passes. I’m thinking I need to find more age-peers, who for demographic reasons are a minority where I live now. I would be interested in your perspective.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I think I understand the question and actually start from the opposite perspective; it’s critically important to make connections with people who are in their 20s now and learn about their perspectives. They know things we need to learn (I am also 40). It’s going to be their world soon, whether we like it or not, and I really don’t want to like be one of those people who dumped on Millennials all the time. When I find myself getting uncomfortable, that’s time for me to do some work and try to figure out why something bugs me or sounds wrong to me and what underlying value it’s touching, and if that value is really a central belief or just the way I was raised. It’s easiest for me to find people just entering the workforce – like interns – and really try a little harder to get to know them, but I’m also fortunate in that I have younger nieces and nephews and some cousins who are in their 20s now.

      1. E*

        I also think this is so important! I’m 50 years old and luckily have a teenager in the family to keep me in the loop. But I worry about falling out of the loop once she grows up and/or moves away. I don’t want to be one of those old people who doesn’t know how to make a video call (or whatever the equivalent will be in 20 years)

        1. Sloanicota*

          Ha I will definitely be one of those people, tech-wise; I find even today’s tech so intrusive that I can’t imagine I’ll be signing up for the neural link or whatever they’re cooking up for us next – and I can barely keep up with pop culture as it is. But I hope I can at least keep in touch with the cultural trends big-picture, like the values and the political discourse.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I think the answer is partly to keep learning. The world changes for many reasons, but one is an increase in knowledge. I’m in my early-to-mid 40s and there are so many things we didn’t understand when I was young, even in my 20s, that we do now or so many things that weren’t widely talked about.

      Young people today have a much better understanding of mental illness, of neurodiversity, of gender, etc, than we did when we were in our 20s.

      I think some of the “kids these days” attitude comes from people refusing to learn new things and assuming that what they learnt in their school and college days is all there is to know and anything that came after that is just “some new trend.”

      I don’t think we should be trying to live in a familiar world. I think we should be learning about and adapting to the current world. I certainly don’t want to live in the world of 1980s Ireland, with a 20% unemployment rate, non-stop emigration, unmarried mothers being virtually forced to give up their babies for adoption, gay people having to hide their relationships, virtually no support for students with special educational needs in schools, openly corrupt politicians getting reelected and people basically saying “ah, sure, he’s a right chancer but wouldn’t we all do the same if we had the opportunities? Fair play to him for getting away with it!”. And I know you probably don’t want to maintain the bad parts of the past either. And there were certainly parts of 1980s Ireland that I would like to see returned such as the higher rate of union membership and less judgement of people for being poor or unemployed.

      Not all change is good, but I think it’s worth learning about the new ideas and developments.

      Another thing is that people in their 20s tend to have very different lives from those over 30 for reasons that aren’t related to a changing world. Particularly in the early 20s, people are still maturing. They are mostly single, don’t have children yet, are often still in or have only just left education, may still be living with parents… So they often have different priorities than older people and just because you don’t click with a 25 year old when you are 37 doesn’t mean the two of you won’t click three years later.

      I find that anybody from about 27 to about 55 seems “about the same age as me” whereas people under 25 seem much younger and it’s largely because those under 25 are still starting out in their careers, may be living on their own for the first time, etc and are still learning about adulthood. So it’s quite likely that by the time the older demographic passes, the younger people will come to have more in common with you.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’m 64. I had friends in my mother’s generation (sadly mostly gone now). Since I was 39 when my daughter was born, most of my mom friends are significantly younger than I am. I now have independent relationships with a couple of her friends and am deliberately building friendships with a few other people in their 20s. Sometimes I am forcibly reminded of the age difference. One of my new friends is my voice teacher, who is 25 or 26 and who once asked me if I’d heard the “Tapestry” album by Carole King. Mostly, though, I find we connect around shared interests. Their experiences growing up were very different from mine, of course, but I find we’re well-aligned in most ways (politically and socially, for sure).

      Until my mid-20s I was mostly around people my own age. Since then I have found myself in groups of older and younger people and my friend group has naturally diversified.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        As a GenXer, I’m a big fan of both older and younger friends, colleagues, and relatives — I get wisdom and a preview of what’s to come from the older set and a window into what’s going on in the world now that I would never otherwise get from the younger set. I also think we in the middle have something to give to both sets! For younger people, I try to give them encouragement and a bit of a historical perspective on how things haven’t always been this way, and for older people I give them attention but also a perspective shaped by the time when I grew up.

          1. allathian*

            I also love having covorkers of all ages, the youngest are interns in their early to mid-20s, the oldest are in their 60s. I work for the government in Finland, our mandatory retirement age is 68, although I suspect that’ll change before I get there. I’m currently eligible for full retirement benefits at 67.

    4. Pickles*

      I work at a college and there is so much range in the 20 year olds beliefs and outlooks. And they are not set. More of the students I meet are pretty moderate and “basic” than not. I think you just need a wider net.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I haven’t found this to be so–that I will instead align with all sorts of people. Sometimes my age, sometimes not. I have now-grown kids, so there is a bit of a natural bridge. And I will be just mystified by the point of view of some people my age.

      Example: Young people talk about wanting work-life balance. My kids and nieblings (20s to 30s) prioritized this–not over all other factors, but that money + enjoyment needed to both be really high to make long hours worth it, and that if they chose a long-hours job it was more in the “take advantage of this opportunity for money/connections/skills for a couple of years” sense. Some people my age, and a generation older, love this for them–they observed how “Just be a good reliable worker, asking nothing, and you will be rewarded” actually worked out for people, and drew the right conclusion. A bit of a theme this week at the health club, probably due to recent family gatherings, has been that a few people in their 50s and 60s are venting to each other that the young people in their families talk about work-life balance, and they want them to stop. (Some hilarious theories on what events would make the young people stop.) They are expressing this vent midday on a weekday, while not at work. That is, they appear to have excellent work-life balance themselves. But other people don’t deserve that.

      Basically all “Why back in the (decade I was around 10) everyone worked hard, and customer service was great, and people took responsibility for their actions, and we were on the right track” bounce off me, regardless of the decade you stick in there.

    6. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Your “familiar world” may not really exist any more, you may just be clinging to sentimentality for bygone days. Being willing to learn from younger people and trust that their experiences are valid goes a long way to rid yourself of the “kids these days” mentality that prevents you from connecting with younger generations.

    7. ElastiGirl*

      Gen Z (currently about 12-28 years old) is the first generation to grow up in a fully digital world, and that is a true difference between them and all older generations. The oldest of them were about 11 when the smartphone was introduced, and the younger members of the generation are growing up fully surrounded by screens.

      I’ve taught college students for over 20 years, and this generation truly is different. I highly recommend the book “Generations” by Jean Twenge for more specifics than you could ever hope for

    8. Rara Avis*

      Although I love me a good GenX meme, I find the stereotyping of generations isn’t always helpful. I had my child late, so my parent peer group tends younger. I have work friends who range from their 60’s to their 20’s. And I teach middle school, so even after my own teenager moves on, I’ll have a connection to the youth of today.

  28. Sloanicota*

    Survival tips for January and February! I often find these the hardest months emotionally because there’s no cozy Christmas expectation but it’s still cold and dreary and dark. Here are my tips so far, but please share yours with me:
    1. Try to take a trip somewhere sunny, if you can.
    2. Take a walk every afternoon even if the weather isn’t great.
    3. Rather than taking down all the Christmas decorations and just living in the dark, switch up some new white or blue lights and some “winter” decorations indoors.
    What else to get me through spring??

    1. Still*

      I really cannot recommend the sunrise alarm clock enough for waking up on winter mornings and not feeling like getting up is entirely outside of my reach.

    2. UKDancer*

      I definitely think having a trip somewhere sunny is good. I usually try and spend a week in the Canaries if I can get a good deal on it to make January better.

      Have at least one really good spa day to be indulgent. Book some things you want to do at regular intervals whether it’s a series of evening classes or theatre trips or meeting up with a friend. It’s good to punctuate the grey months of the year with fun things.

      Buy some really good bath stuff in the sale and enjoy some leisurely baths to warm up and give yourself a really good pamper. After work on a cold Friday I love running a bath, putting a face mask on and just being a bit indulgent.

    3. fruit salad*

      I try to be outside at sunset time – which is 4pm where I am. As much as possible during the week, but definitely on weekends. By the end of January I notice that it’s not *nearly* so dark at 4pm, and by the 2nd week of Feb, I have to shift my time later, and start to feel happier.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I’ve relied a lot on my Aerogarden, packed with varieties of lettuce; the light and the green (and red, and spotted) leaves make a lovely little oasis during the darker months. [The Aerogarden company shut down last year, alas, but the units should work for a while longer before needing replacement lights – and I hope that some outfit or other will make replacement parts available down the line. If not, there are other hydroponic indoor-garden gadgets out there.]

      1. Rainy*

        The Aerogarden website says that they’ve reconsidered the decision to shut down and will be relaunching in spring 2025!

    5. Blue Cactus*

      I find that if there’s something about winter you enjoy, leaning in to it can make the season feel more special and unique. I love to ice skate so I try to go regularly in the winter, but it could also be something like leaning in to the coziness – if you like tea, try to have a sunset cup of tea, perhaps.

    6. HannahS*

      A helpful piece of perspective: the days are already getting longer! Once I really GOT that the days only get shorter until the winter solstice, then it really helped my attitude.

      A sunrise alarm clock (I had a basic Phillips one for years)

      Add structure to your life to keep the evenings/weekends from melting into a big blob of doomscrolling. Take a class on a Thursday evening, do a social thing each weekend if you can, etc.

      1. Rosey*

        Yes about the days getting longer! Focusing on this really helps me some years. Some difficult winters I track the day length obsessively. Depending on time of year and where you are, the amount of daylight can increase by several minutes every day. Where I am, by mid-January you get about an extra 2.5 minutes of daylight every day, with an extra 3.5 minutes by the end of the month. That adds up to more than two hours more daylight at the end of January than at the beginning, and it just is going to keep getting better from there.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      One of my goals this year is to have more social gatherings this winter – I find having some low key cozy gatherings really helps me keep my spirits up. Ideas I have:
      – Soup swap
      – dumping party, possibly for Lunar New Year
      – Valentine’s Day Book swap
      – Super Bowl party
      I won’t do all of that, but I want to do at least one or two.

      1. Slippers*

        Last year, a small group of us scheduled a weekly coffee meeting to get through the winter, check in on each other and have something to look forward to each week. It turned into breakfast and has lasted the entire year. No obligation, we can’t all make it every week, and it’s still something we all genuinely look forward to.

        1. Slippers*

          I’ll add, at home, we have specific “winter” activities that we really only do in January and February that are relaxed but a consistent stimulus. This is when we take on 1000+ pc puzzles, reading heavy/long classics, complicated or lengthy recipes, etc.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I lean in to deliberately watching television series where there’s spring or summer weather. I’m really looking forward to catching the new seasons of *All Creatures Great and Small* and *Death in Paradise* — they’re both great series, but I’m also soaking up the beautiful sunlight and the green countryside or the sandy beach scenery as I watch them. You can do this with movies too — *Call Me By Your Name* has that delightful Italian sunlight.

      On the flip side, *Love Story* is good to watch on a hot summer’s day — it has a lot of snow!

    9. Chaordic One*

      Since it is kind of a boring time of year without much to do, I find it a good time of year to practice both self improvement and self love. Not pushing myself so hard as to make myself miserable, but just enough to have a bit of eye to the future. Certainly eating well and getting enough sleep makes me feel better. Then also making time for ongoing issues with myself such as decluttering and cleaning. (It never ends.)

    10. Not That Jane*

      I use one of those high intensity lamps – hubby calls it my “grow light.” Just for 20 minutes or so right after I wake up, to kind of jumpstart my brain into daytime mode.

    11. Rainy*

      Plants and plant lights on a timer in rooms you spend time in! Bring a little of the outdoors in, and full spectrum plant lights feel very spring-y to me. You could also think about forcing bulbs indoors for some spring blooms.

    12. Rosey*

      Lots of good tips here. I’ll second trying to be outside during the day as much as possible, and add going out after dark, too. Try not to let the darkness psyche you into thinking it’s too late to do anything!

      And, I hope this isn’t too close to medical advice, but a vitamin D supplement can help with moods (as well as other health benefits). People in northern countries are generally advised to take vitamin D supplements in winter as we humans get most of our vitamin D from the sun and there just isn’t enough sun in winter for our bodies to make it.

      Personally I like to try a new thing in the new year, too. Like a new hobby or something. That often helps to improve my mood.

      1. Slippers*

        A few years ago, I made a resolution to go outside for 15 minutes every single day, no matter how busy I was or what the weather was. It did wonders for not only my mood but also readjusting what I considered “bad” weather. I know I need to do this again this year because I’ve become a wuss about the cold again!

    13. Anono-me*

      I usually go to a local conservatory several times in the winter.

      I also do amaryllis and paperwhite bulbs.

    14. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      The Botanical Garden in my city has an orchid show every winter, and that helps me more than anything.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      In past years I’ve enjoyed making garden plans, propagating things indoors, and starting seeds. Mucking around with plants inside has coincidental fake daylight because I put the LED grow lights on a 12-hr timer.

    16. Bike Walk Barb*

      Flipping the advice about light on its head (although that’s good advice too), what about going out at night, looking at the moon, and tracking the phases of the moon? If weather permits, that is. Make the darkness a space for observing and connecting to the night sky, not something you’re just wishing would go away. If you live with a lot of light pollution you aren’t going to be able to do a lot of stargazing, but just last week I saw Jupiter shining bright to the right of the moon and I was in the Seattle area with lots of light. I use the Sky Tonight app to help me know what I’m looking at. Looking up at the night sky is pretty magical even if you don’t know what you’re looking at.

    17. dreamofwinter*

      Great advice already. I agree with the winter decorations – I have “fairy lights” up in my office to combat winter darkness.
      I try to get outside as often as possible, as nothing beats fresh air and natural light.
      I have a “dance party” playlist of songs that I can get up and dance to, one or three or however long I feel like it, to get my blood moving and my mood up.
      And if I can’t travel in winter, I spend some time planning a trip (real or imaginary) for spring.

      I live in Downeast Maine – 8.75 hours of sunlight a day right now! Though as you might guess by my handle I do enjoy the dark season.

  29. Boot care question*

    two questions: 1- a pair of doc martens, 5 years old, is cracking on the outside where it bends for the toe. Can anything be done?
    2- an old pair of leather boots. probably 20 years old or more, but haven’t been worn or taken care of for awhile. The outside of the boots are responding nicely to leather conditioner. But I can feel a crack in the leather on the inside. Anything to help this? extend the life of the boots?

    1. Girasol*

      Do you have an old fashioned shoe repair shop in your area? Those folks can be pretty creative in ways to fix problems.

      1. RC*

        I love shoe repair shops and it’s one of the (okay, not the most) annoying thing about the US that we don’t really have them here.

        1. bay scamp*

          Maybe this is regional or something, there are definitely shoe repair shops in almost every town in my area of the US, no matter how small the town is, really. I’m not all that impressed with the work of the one in my current town, but that’s another story.

  30. Teapot Translator*

    2024 Reading Wrap-Up thread? Hit me with, let’s say, five top-read in 2024. I’ll share mine as a comment.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      In no particular order:
      – Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty, SF novel, but also a murder mystery.
      – Shubeik Lubeik by Deena Mohamed, a graphic novel, set in Cairo, in a world where wishes are for sale.
      – Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley, a hardboiled mystery novel (made into a movie in 1995 with Denzel Washington, haven’t seen it), different from my usual type, only thing I didn’t like is the role women play in the book.
      – Something Light by Margery Sharp, first published in 1960, Louisa Datchett has decided she wants to get married. Kind of book where nothing much happens.
      – Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson, murder mystery, clever, sometimes funny.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Looking at the high stars on my reading list – I may have to include some series. In no particular order:
      Matthew Reilly’s Jack West series (mostly re-read, there’s seven and he put them out about a year to a year and a half apart)
      Starter Villain – John Scalzi
      Worst Case Scenario – TJ Newman
      the Up and Under series (starting with “Over the Woodward Wall”) by “A. Deborah Baker” (yet another pen name of Seanan McGuire)
      I think the only actual 5-star on here this year is Great Zoo of China by Matthew Reilly, which is an homage of sorts to Jurassic Park.

    3. Blue Cactus*

      – Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar, a novel about an Iranian-American man in recovery’s exploration of his family’s complex past
      – She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan, historical fiction with fantasy elements about the founder of the Ming dynasty
      – Advice for Future Corpses and Those Who Love Them by Sallie Tisdale, nonfiction by a former hospice nurse about coping with death and dying
      – Death Row Welcomes You by Steven Hale, a nonfiction book about the community of people who visit death row inmates in Tennessee
      – The End of Everything (Astrophysically Speaking) by Katie Mack, a relatively accessible discussion of the four most supported theories of how the universe will end.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Olga Dies Dreaming–Xochitl Gonzalez (hard to quantify into a genre, but includes romance and politics and social commentary)

      Play It As It Lays–Joan Didion (brilliant 1960s LA novel about a woman failed by every man she meets)

      Anybody Can Do Anything–Betty MacDonald (comedic memoir of job-seeking in the 1930s)

      Heavy–Kiese Laymon (memoir with some deep family dysfunction)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Content warning — every blessed one of these has some sexual assault in it.

      2. Rosey*

        Betty MacDonald who wrote the Mrs Piggle-Wiggle books? That sounds fascinating, definitely putting Anybody Can Do Anything on my list. Thanks!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Watch out for some really uncomfortable racism in her non fiction–The Egg and I is hilarious and then WHAM her stereotypes of Native characters just punches you in the gut.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Yeah, that one is seriously disturbing in the views MacDonald expounds. There’s a little bit of anti-Native racism in the very beginning of *Anybody Can Do Anything* as well, unfortunately.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      • Those Beyond the Wall by Micaiah Johnson. Sequel to The Space Between Worlds, set about 10 years later and focused on a minor character from that book. The first stands alone; the second could but I think is much more enjoyable if you have read the first one. Written in rage after the stuff at the Tennessee legislature, and that comes through. Points about the stories that compel us that have really resonated for me this year.

      • The Cautious Traveller’s Guide to the Wastelands: In the 1800s Siberia suddenly goes magically(?) wonky, in a way that is dangerous to humans but not clearly in an inimical way–like foxglove doesn’t kill you maliciously. So humans wall it off, and then build a luxury rail line right through the middle. Because of course this is what humans would do. Unique setting, and one where I had no idea where it was going.

      • Killers of a Certain Age: Four pretty young women, overlooked for that reason, are recruited by an organization of international assassins. Forty years later, now overlooked for other reasons, they retire and are sent on a cruise, where someone from the old organization tries to have them killed. A really fun spin on getting the old gang back together for one last job.

      • The Last Devil to Die, most recent entry in The Thursday Murder Club.

      • Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts, recommended based on “if you loved The Westing Game…” A wealthy Bostonian dies, leaving a puzzle game open to anyone. Really strong sense of Boston, fun characters.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Bonus nonfiction: A City on Mars, which breaks down the science of just how hard it is going to be just to have a science research station off Earth, much less a colony where people live forever.

        My image of spreading through space was based on visions like Star Trek: Out of abundance, we keep moving out to explore. In recent years there’s been a real shift toward “Welp, climate change, might as well give up on Earth and start again on a radiation blasted rock without air or water.” Which is actually a really bad plan. I’ve also started to see fiction pushing back on this mindset, which is encouraging.

    6. Atheist Nun*

      The books I enjoyed reading most in 2024 are:
      1) Companion Piece by Ali Smith
      2) The Island of Sea Women by Lisa See
      3) The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo
      4) Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart (and also its follow up, Young Mungo)
      5) How to Read Now by Elaine Castillo

    7. Magical Kittencorn*

      -Enchantment: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age (by the author of Wintering)
      -Wild Life: Finding My Purpose in an Untamed World (a memoir about travel, animals, fieldwork, and navigating a career as a scientist as a Black woman, wife, and mother)
      -The Great Transition (novel of speculative climate fiction + family dynamics + thriller, explores what we owe the planet and what we owe loved ones)
      -The Berry Pickers (novel by a Canadian First Nations author–themes of family, trauma, and identity)
      -Moonbound (science fiction and kind of a wild adventure–so much fun)

  31. Golden*

    Any advice on getting into a hobby when you don’t know anyone to teach you? Specially, this year I’d like to get more into outdoor exploration (not hiking though). Maybe something like hunting or foraging but without actually taking any animals or plants, which I guess is just wandering around in the woods. Is that a thing people do?

    Not sure where to start as far as gear or learning to navigate a forest, or how to find out what areas are public and if you’re allowed to venture off existing paths. My area has a few related classes for kids but I haven’t seen any for adults.

    I do have a toddler and being comfortable in an outdoor environment is something I’d like her to learn too, just looking for ways to build my own skills first!

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Birding? Lots of online resources and communities which include good locations to go wandering.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Ooh, good idea! (And I’ll mention the “Merlin” app, which aids in identifying birds by sound – very handy.)

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Yes! My husband is the serious birder in the family and he loves Merlin. I enjoy the walks and seeing the birds. I don’t have a life list and I don’t really care what kind of gull I’m looking at. He also uses iNaturalist to identify plants.

      2. RC*

        Yep, sounds like birding— I would bet you can find one to thirty birding groups around you on Meetup or similar. I went to a walk earlier this year (immediately before my uterus betrayed me, actually… so I never went to another one) but they were very welcoming. And our local library has a Library of Things which includes birding kits (i.e. binoculars, compass, books; I mostly just used the binoculars).

        The thing that really made me want to try birding was reading (or rather listening to the audiobook, because birds) of Christian Cooper’s autobiography.

    2. GoryDetails*

      You might look into geocaching; it involves hunting for caches hidden in a variety of locations, using GPS coordinates to find them. Some are in urban settings, but many are placed along hiking trails – or, for the more difficult ones, well off-trail, but you can save those for when you’re more comfortable. The geocaching.com site includes articles on safety in remote locations, and if you live in an area where there are hiking trails you might be able to find some easy starting points. (I’ve found that the hobby takes me to many trails and even local parks that I had no idea existed.) The web site has a search option so you can look for caches in your area, and can filter them by level of difficulty and other attributes.

      If your area doesn’t have many geocaches – or if the concept doesn’t interest you – try looking up trip-planning info from your local park service or outdoor recreation site. (In the US, the National Park Service has lots of articles along those lines.)

    3. Sloanicota*

      Do you have any interest in camping? My camping trips are basically what you describe, just mucking about in the woods and looking for firewood (where permitted). Camping sites are often close to walking trails but may be in a clearing or an area to explore. You can make camping more or less complex as you gain experience – you can start out “glamping” or in a cabin if you’re not up for tents right away, and later you may find yourself sleeping out under just a mosquito net without bringing much by way of supplies, as I do. And you don’t need to take a class to camp, although you might want to take a trip with someone who has experience the first time to see if you like it.

    4. Pentapus*

      it’s unclear whether you’re looking to find a group or go solo. if you don’t mind a group, where I live there are mushroom/ mycological interest groups that do forest walk periodically.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Just as a caveat – keep your eyes very wide open before getting involved with anything Waldorf. Some groups are just into the outdoorsy / crunchy-granola / arts and crafts / hands-on learning vibe.

        Others can be very culty and perpetuate the worst parts of his writings, including the hardcore Aryanism. His philosophy of “Anthroposophy” starts with the premise that racial distinctions are both biological and spiritual, and that there is a hierarchy of racial and moral superiority based on physical attributes. Some schools / groups absorb this uncritically, minimize or defend it, or put it into practice while gaslighting the victims.

        1. HannahS*

          Ew, wild! I had no idea–my sole exposure to Waldorf is through, like, Instagram posts that (gently) poke fun at the various kinds of parental ideologies. Caveat emptor, for sure.

    6. Girasol*

      For all that there were a lot of jokes about it, Euell Gibbons’ _Stalking the Wild Asparagus_ is a delight to read for pleasure and a great introduction to foraging. You’d probably want a wild plant field guide, either printed or a phone app, to go along with it if you start foraging yourself, for positive identification. A good book about medicinal properties of native plants in your area can be pretty interesting too, not that you’d necessarily use them, but it’s fun to learn how they were used and see if you can find them. Just identifying plants is a fun hobby, but identifying them for a purpose is even more fun.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Euell Gibbons was the forager and an extraordinary man. “Stalking the Wild Asparagus” was written about Gibbons by John McPhee. It is indeed a delight to read!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      The National Geographic app to identify plants.

      All Trails is good for maps of trails. (Even if you are more strolling than hiking, and especially if like me your sense of direction is not legendary in the good sense.)

      Look for local botanical gardens, often run by local gardening groups. A good way to learn some local native plants.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      This type of course, for adults, is offered through the extension program at my local high school. Might be worth investigating there.

    9. RLC*

      Is there a Native Plant Society in your area? I discovered that group through overlap with a rock hound group in my area as a teen. The age demographic was wonderfully broad, from teens through to 80+, the knowledge base from newbies to well read amateurs to university professors, welcoming to anyone with the shared interest.

    10. Anono-me*

      If you are in the USA, please check out your state DNR. (If you are a woman, the Becoming an Outdoor Woman programs have lots of great learning experiences.) Comunity education programs often have classes.

      Also if you can find a club related to the activity you are interested in, the club may have some classes or a mentoring program.

    11. Seashell*

      This may depend on whether there is a nearby location, but the Audobon Society has outdoor events and nature-related stuff for kids.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look up mycology societies and “bio blitz” for people who go through the woods with a purpose of identification.

      For your little one, look into all the various kid groups out there — Girl Scouts, Scouts (Girls now welcome in BSA), 4H, and probably more.

    13. ronda*

      a friend accidentally ran into a orienteering group and he loved it. he had done some with his son during Boy Scouts years ago.

      Maybe there is a group near you.

    14. Almost Academic*

      Do you have an REI or Sierra Club near you? They often will run workshops on a variety of topics, and if you have a particular interest you can often suggest that they set up a class on the topic! They’re usually where adults in my region go to start to get into nature and navigation.

  32. PhyllisB*

    I have a question and a comment so going to make separate posts because different topics.
    First I came on here a couple of weeks ago upset about not getting pictures at my granddaughter’s college graduation and was wondering if I should say anything (not about that occasion, just getting photos in general. Taking y’alls advice I decided not to say anything but when we went for Christmas I requested two specific photos and they agreed. So I got my pictures!! :-)
    Thanks for the reality check. Losing two family members this year made me realize these things are important but not to be obnoxious about it, either.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Yay! I’m so glad you worked out something that made you happy but kept relations good with everyone! : )

  33. Trepidatious Travel*

    People of AAM: I will be going to Singapore in May! I will post questions in separate threads.
    First: I have worries about needing to use a squat toilet. I can’t squat with flat heels – never could, not even as a child, and I’ve been working on this for years. It’s my ankle flexibility! I would like tips and a pep talk!

    1. fruit salad*

      Singapore caters to a wide variety of tourists. Not all toilets are squat. I was there years ago, and brand-new squat toilets were side by side brand new sit toilets. Also, keep in mind it is very near the equator, and so not very cool.

    2. WS*

      I went to Singapore with my mum – I have experience using squat toilets but she doesn’t, but it turned out not to be a problem at all. Even when there were only squat toilets available, there were always Western toilets nearby. Also, a stable squat matters more than whether your feet are flat, I have a friend from China who always got told off for not putting her feet flat, but she never did manage it and has no problems using a squat toilet.

    3. Tea & Sympathy*

      I hate squat toilets. I’ve been to Singapore several times, and don’t remember ever needing to use a squat toilet. Singapore is very high tech.

    4. Almost Academic*

      I’ve been to Singapore multiple times and never had to use a squat toilet. Even at very old-fashioned hawker centers, they have non-squat toilets available these days (just bring your own TP!)

  34. PhyllisB*

    Okay, now I have a question. Warning: if rodents are a trigger for you scroll on.
    As I mentioned, we went to my daughter’s for Christmas. While we were sitting there, daughter casually
    mentioned they have a mouse problem. She didn’t want to tell me because I have an extreme phobia about mice (and rats) but granddaughter made her tell me in case one showed itself. Actually this happened twice while I was there but luckily I was looking elsewhere and didn’t see it.
    They don’t seem to think it’s a big deal and don’t want to use traps because that’s too cruel. I agree that glue traps are, but the spring ones…also cruel but quick. She tried mouse bait but they got smart and quit eating it.
    Does anyone have any suggestions I can give her she might accept? They have three dogs that stay indoors so I know she has to be cautious about what she uses. Also it seems to me that she needs to find out where they’re coming in and plug it up.

    1. GoryDetails*

      If she’s reluctant to deal with it I’m not sure you can say anything that will help – though you could simply set your own boundaries and say that you won’t visit again until they’ve done something about the mouse problem. (If you don’t want to go that far I can certainly understand!)

      Blocking off the most likely access spots is a good idea – I’ve had to install steel-wool barriors around the plumbing under my kitchen sink, a popular mouse-access point. [I have 3 cats, but while they love to play with the mice they don’t seem to deter them. They don’t kill them, either, just put them in the bathtub and chase them around. Sigh.]

      I don’t know if this would help, but a black light that highlights body fluids – including mouse-pee – might convince them that the mostly-invisible mice are actually getting onto more surfaces than they imagine, and leaving traces behind. And you could read up on instances of hantavirus in their area; if it’s common, maybe they’ll take that more seriously?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        There are critter wranglers you can hire who will do a lot of the anti-critter retro-fitting for a house in the most humane way possible. Maybe she’d be open to hiring one of those?

    2. office hobbit*

      There are some forms of live traps that are fairly effective. My family used to use one that was a wide flat metal box, about the proportions of a hardback novel but twice as big. The mouse could run up a ramp to get the peanut butter or whatever, and then the entrance closed behind it. I’m not sure what’s on the market these days.

      You could also point out that mice breed fast and spring is coming up…a tolerable mouse problem becomes rapidly less so once the mousies introduce their children to your house too.

      Definitely agree about blocking off entrance points. They can fit through gaps as small as your pinky finger. Steel wool is excellent for this as someone above mentioned.

      1. Anona-Mouse*

        Having fairly recently discovered that I also have a mouse problem, I was not familiar with this kind of trap until attempting to buy some traps for my home and there they were among the other kinds of traps. I had seen these traps before. never gave them any thought and did not know what they were. I had previously seen them in the entrances to my local Target and Dollar Tree stores.

    3. Wedding Witch*

      We had a mouse problem last winter. It was HORRIBLE. Fortunately I have a cat who is an amazing mouser, but the mice were in the walls and the ceiling. Things for folks who don’t like traps:
      1. As others said, block all available entrances with steel wool. If she can’t figure out how they’re getting in, get a pest control person (maybe this could be a present from you? But that depends on your relationship)
      2. Traps: There are live traps. However, mice have pretty high site fidelity so they’ll probably return to their home aka your daughter’s house. There are kill traps that are humane. The best are CO2 traps that instantly kill with a blast of compressed air. The spring traps are also good. Poison are pretty bad, and the glue traps are the worst.

      In order to inspire mouse-removal action, I might talk about the health concerns with mice. Through no fault of their own, they carry and spread diseases like hantavirus, salmonella, bubonic plague (fun fact: there are ~7 cases of bubonic plague each year in the US), rat-bite fever (also spread by mice), Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis Virus (LCMV), and leptospirosis. Mice can also exacerbate issues like asthma and allergies. Mice are a health hazard, for both your daughter, granddaughter, and their dogs. Taking care of the issue now is *far* more humane than waiting until you have an infestation and must deal with killing hundreds of mice.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And if the infestation gets that bad, she could find herself in legal trouble if the mouses spread out to other houses.

      2. Shiny Penny*

        Good lists. Also mice will bring fleas and ticks into your house.
        Then those fleas and ticks will be looking for your kids, and your pets, and you.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      I know a person who said mice don’t like the smell of mint, and puts peppermint essential oil on cotton balls and then puts the balls in all the typical places that mice might like to be.

      She does not have mice, but whether this is due to the mint or not, I don’t know. She doesn’t have a basement, just a crawlspace, which is typically a party palace for mice, so I’m thinking there is something to this.

      2. Shiny Penny*

        I just found out that there are two different types of peppermint essential oil. Menthe arvensis is cheaper but apparently doesn’t work to repel mice, and menthe piperita which can be twice as expensive but actually works?
        This could explain my variable results!

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Thank you! That reminds me from my botany days that the Mentha genus has a TON of variability, so this could be it. Not all mints are the same.

    5. MissB*

      We used to catch them using a tall bucket. Give them something to climb on – packages or whatever and put some attractive food in the bottom (peanut butter). They’ll get in but can’t get out. A 5-gallon bucket works fine.

      You can release the live mice outside, far from the house. We’d dump ours in the gully across the street- do it at night so the night creatures can life cycle the mice for you.

      More important is getting them to stop coming in. Checking every inch of the foundation is a good step.

      I use snap traps and do not feel bad about it. We rarely get any now that we’ve sealed things up. Mice are disease vectors.

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Thank you for that phrase, it couldn’t be more perfect!
        If there’s anything that needs to be life cycled, it’s mice living in your house. I’ve lived it, and it’s seriously the very definition of filth.

    6. no mice for me, thanks*

      I don’t quite get the idea of live traps – those mice will just come right back in after being released. The snap traps work the best in my experience, but a close second are the spin traps, and you don’t risk any fingers in the process of setting them up.

      I do biomedical research for a living, and therefore I work with (and kill) a lot of mice in my research. It’s not my favorite thing but that is what these particular mice were bred for and I thank them all for their service to science before I humanely euthanize them. But in my house???? Nope. I won’t touch those mice, and I want them gone.

    7. Maestra*

      We were able to mitigate our mouse problem by buying and putting basically all of our food in clear plastic tubs in our pantry. We don’t leave any food on the counter or out where they can get it. We even put the cat treats into glass jars and we don’t leave the cat food out at night. (Unfortunately our cat is a very bad or uninterested mouser.)

      We do have traps, so we know they are still around, but we’ve caught a lot fewer since we basically took away ALL sources of food for them. There seems to be no winning, but we made it a lot better.

    9. Observer*

      also cruel but quick.

      Unfortunately, not always. They can sometimes just hurt the animal and then it’s pretty bad.

      Also it seems to me that she needs to find out where they’re coming in and plug it up.

      If they haven’t checked, they should. But sometimes it’s just not realistic. We had a significant mouse problem, and we had a pretty good idea of where they were getting in through. And we couldn’t do anything till we were able to rip out our entire kitchen. When we redid our kitchen, we ripped everything out so we had the guy come in and do a whole bunch of work.

      Also, if they don’t own their home, they could be even more constrained in what they can do.

      One thing that your daughter might be amenable to. Check with someone who deals with bigger small animals, like squirrels. They will often have traps that don’t harm the animals at all, but keep them from roaming and that can be opened to let the animal out at a distance from the home. I depending on what’s going on with her, they might have some suggestions for her.

  35. Trepidatious Travel*

    Re: Singapore trip. Thoughts on clothes? I rarely wear skirts when travelling, because I walk a lot and wear runner’s compression socks. So I need some good, lightweight (due to heat and humidity) trousers. They don’t have to be “travel pants;” I have some of them and I like them for the most part, but they are all designed to be tighter v looser fitting. So I have to wear some special underwear (not my fave) in order not to have panty lines. Trousers I’m looking for don’t have to have fancy travel pockets, etc. In fact, I am thinking of bringing some yoga pants (happy trunks harem pants, which are cinched at the ankle so they won’t pool on the ground). Trouser recommendations welcome!

    1. office hobbit*

      How do you feel about those drawstring waist linen pants that are fairly popular these days? I think Old Navy still carries them, and I’ve also seen them at higher end stores. They are usually open at the ankle, but you can sometimes find them in a joggers style (cinched at ankle). Though, I think having an open ankle will help you with overheating.

      If you look up east Asian street style, you’ll see lots of fashionable young women in very loose pants and tops. That might give you some inspiration for styles!

    2. Undine Spragg*

      There’s a line of clothing called Oh My Gauze! which is loose cotton seersucker-type clothing. I’ve worn their trousers in Antigua, Costa Rica, in a summers around Philadelphia. Many styles and colors. The only thing is if you are very slender, they won’t go down to your size — I’m just about at the bottom end and I could wish the waistbands were a little tighter, but I am still a repeat customer.

    3. Wedding Witch*

      I really like Everlane’s linen pants! I have found them on Poshmark and ThredUp for cheaper because they are pricy. I also have a pair of Banana Republic linen pants that I love.

      But honestly? I LOVE maxi skirts and maxi dresses while travelling in hot and humid places. I can still wear my compression socks, I’ll often wear ladies’ boxers to prevent chafing, and it is sooooo nice and breezy.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I’ve ordered several maxi dresses from Coolibar for the SPF coverage (I burn easily). I’ve bought a bunch of skirts on ThredUp.

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Coolibar is an Australian company that makes SPF clothing. They have a line of lightweight drawstring pants that fit loosely and are very comfortable. I just ordered another pair for a trip to NZ and Australia in February.

      1. Travel for Life*

        I exclusively wear skirts day to day. When I travel, it’s still mostly skirts except for occasions such as lava rock trekking or tracking rhino through armpit high grass – then for modesty and practically, it must be pants. I’ve discovered the perfect thing for me are drop crotch pants (for those of us of a certain vintage, Hammer pants). They are cool and breezy with all the comforts of a skirt while giving your legs proper coverage for more adventurous activities. I’ve worn them with trekking sandals, running shoes and hiking boots. Maybe something like this could work for you. They are a travel essential for me!

  36. Blue Cactus*

    Ireland trip recommendations (visiting from the US)
    A close friend and I are taking a trip to Ireland in early April. The current plan is to fly in to Dublin, spend a few days there, then rent a car and drive to the west coast. We’ll spend a day on the Aran islands, then drive down to the Dingle penninsula. We’ll drive back to Dublin via Kerry.
    My friend is a UK/US dual citizen and has driven on the left before, but neither of us have been to Ireland. Our biggest interests are in Irish music, history, and nature – and we’re both knitters. Are there any must see places? Any critical things we should know?

    1. Irish Teacher.*

      The Aran islands are beautiful.

      Otherwise, if you have time, Newgrange is probably worth seeing. It predates the pyramids of Egypt.

      In Dublin, there’s the GPO museum, though not sure how much it’d mean to non-Irish people as it’s about the events of the 1916 Rising. It shows a pretty awesome movie typed thing of the events of that week. Then there is the National Museum and the National History Museum. There’s Dublin Zoo in Phoenix Park. Our president also lives in Phoenix Park, so you can see the Áras (the presidental residence). That’s just a large house though, so…not really that interesting. The Waxwork Museum also has a history section.

      Oh! Dingle has an Oceanworld Aquarium.

      1. Imtheone*

        Newgrange is wonderful. We took a great bus tour which also expedited getting in (the lines were long in early September.)

        The National Museum was really great.

        We signed up for a musical pub visit. Something like that is great for lovers of traditional music.

        The baked goods were amazing!

    2. Missb*

      I think the city of Dingle is absolutely charming. Fun to walk around and see the buildings (not that huge of town when I was there last, maybe it has expanded?) and sit in a local bar and enjoy a beer in the evening. Dh and I always had luck with having a beer at the bar and chatting with the locals, and catching some music, sometimes impromptu singing by the whole bar (except us).

      We stayed on Inishmore, taking a ferry there. We were touring via bicycles, so we were able to ride the short way to the ruins. Worth it to walk there, really not that far away. The island used to sell local yarn at one of the shops, not sure if they still do. (Fun story, we had to take a ferry back to the mainland of course, and our landing point+tide didn’t allow the ferry to dock. So they had to row us to the dock, a few at a time. I have a great photo somewhere of our bikes being rowed ashore on their own.)

      It really is such a lovely country and I’ve always felt the people are so willing to chat. Of course we’ve always gotten around on bicycles on our trips, so it may be that we had better chances to stop and chat with locals.

      Enjoy the trip!

    3. AnonyOne*

      In Dublin, Kilmainham Gaol is worth a visit (it is where many from the Easter Rising were held or executed). Book tickets in advance (same for Newgrange)
      If you knit, This is Knit in Powerscourt House is worth a visit.
      You could also visit the Trinity Library & Book of Kells for some older history.

    4. Ismis*

      Ah, I had replied but didn’t add my name so when I used the back button and posted, it added it to the main thread. If you search for “ismis”, you will see a very long reply below!

    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      In Dublin my friend found a nighttime music tour- maybe through Airbnb? The guide took them to several pubs with great music. She loved it.

    6. Evan88*

      14 Henrietta Street is a fantastic museum in Dublin if you’re interested in Irish history. It’s a Georgian townhouse where each floor shows how the Irish lived over 300 years. It’s never crowded and the tours are excellent and inexpensive. I go every time I’m in Dublin.

    1. TargetControlSystem*

      I like bamboo sheets for this, no specific recs on brand. It’s pricey but we went with linen sheets this year for coolness and bought a less expensive brand. Good linen, and as advertised, we sleep a bit cooler but the expensive ones are softer. Ours took way too many washes to get to the non scritchy point, so if we ever bought more and had a cr** ton of cash, we’d get the expensive ones.

      1. acmx*

        I’m scared to spend hundreds on sheets that might suck lol

        With bamboo, I’ve seen from around $85 all the way to $300 (on Target’s site).

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      I’ve bought from Company Store and Target and they were about the same. Got pillowcases from Buffy. They didn’t impress me that much.

    3. Pieforbreakfast*

      I’ve bought from Cariloha and have been happy with the sheets, they have different levels and prices. I’ve always gone for the “Classic” (cheapest) range and they are comfortable.

      I did buy a single fitted sheet from Eden and Om this summer because I didn’t need a full set. When it came it was more sateen than I like but this lessened after a few washings. It keeps me cooler which is the whole point.

    4. *daha**

      “Bamboo” is rayon. The cellulose in the rayon is taken from bamboo pulp instead of wood pulp. Calling it bamboo adds mystique, and not much else.

        1. Clisby*

          And, IMO, do not go for those high thread-count sheets. The ones I buy are, I think, 240 thread count.

          1. dapfloodle*

            Same, my “bamboo” sheets are way more cooling than my 100% cotton ones. Everybody is different, some of us don’t find cotton to be the most cooling, and it’s okay for something to have a more descriptive name than just “rayon.”

  38. Falling Diphthong*

    What do you like to do with leftover roast meat from a big gathering?

    Tonight I am making hash with leftover prime rib and leftover mashed potatoes.
    Yesterday was popovers that you use as a base for a bit of beef and horseradish, pepper jam, leftover brussel sprouts, or whatever is on hand. This was inspired by GBBO’s popover challenge, and is something I now look forward to on its own.
    I will probably still have some more prime rib to burn through, and now my hungry young people have departed. Ideas?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I like to make a simple tomato sauce, add large chunks of sautéed mushrooms, and toss with the cubed leftover meat and some fresh herbs. Serve over a hearty pasta like penne or rotini. Shaved parm or ricotta salata.

    2. Wedding Witch*

      I like to make mini shepherd’s pies and then freeze them for a later date! (Or just eating the shepherd’s/cottage pie now)

      Do you have a dehydrator? I will sometimes dehydrate leftover roast to make jerky for snacking or for backpacking meals (you can also do this in the oven.) Just DO NOT overcook it, otherwise it becomes dog treats (also viable option if you have dogs).

    3. Generic Name*

      We put leftover prime rib on fancy dinner rolls with a slice of cheese and garlic aioli. Horseradish would have been better but we didn’t have any.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I like to make little pot pies and (Welsh and Cornish-style) pasties with the leftover meat and any leftover veggies and potatoes or rice. I usually freeze some of them to keep on hand for later when I am busy and don’t have time to do much cooking.

    6. fruit salad*

      use is curry or soup. I find the meat needs a lot of simmering for the leftovers to be decent. Then again, I love curry and soup!

    7. Clisby*

      Shepherd’s pie was my first thought. Depending on how much meat is left over, you could make more than one and freeze the other(s). Another possibility is chili – I prefer chili made with shredded beef rather than ground beef.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      We bought an ENORMOUS tenderloin for Christmas (seriously, the cow must have descended from Babe the Blue Ox) and have easily over half of it left. We froze it and are going to chop it up for some luxury chili!

      I think sometimes we get paralyzed by the notion that “fancy” cuts of meat must be used in a fancy way, so we end up plowing through mounds of leftovers or throwing it out if we can’t do it. But why not have fancy chili, a gala stew, casserole fit for a king?

      1. Part time lab tech*

        If we host, we cut up the leftover and freeze any thing more than what we can use in a day or two. The bones go into soup or stock. Meat tends to go for stir-fry or breakfast fry up. over the next month.

    9. Evan88*

      This might be an unpopular suggestion, but I’m going ahead with it lol. Whenever I have leftover meat like that, I slice it into thin strips, heat it up low and slow with bbq sauce. Then I’ll make a quesadilla, toasted sandwich, or wrap with sharp cheddar cheese. It’s delicious and I don’t have to make a big thing at once, I can make one serving in about 10 minutes.

      You can also heat it with cumin and other Mexican spices you like and make normal quesadillas/burritos.

    10. Six Feldspar*

      We normally make rice paper rolls on boxing day with the Christmas roast leftovers – maybe not quite what you need for a cold Christmas though! Could you make noodle soup or a rice bowl to change things up? (I’ll put a couple of links in another comment for inspiration)

    12. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Slice thin
      Sauté onions, mushrooms and/or peppers in pan on medium high heat
      Add sliced meat until heated through
      Put some cheese on top
      Put meat and all on buns
      Eat

    13. carcinization*

      Quesadillas for sure. I make them in my panini press, but you can make them on the stovetop without one.

  39. Wedding Witch*

    Wedding question: Am I being a jerk by holding my wedding in the same year as my sister’s?

    Context: Her wedding is in May 2025, mine is in December 2025. Both of our weddings are destination weddings for our families because her husband is Argentinian, so their wedding is in Argentina (we live in the US), while I live on the opposite coast as most of my family. I want to hold my wedding this year because my grandam is 95 and while she’s pretty fit, I’m still worried about her.

    My sister is angry with me because she feels like I’m stealing her moment. She’s been planning her wedding for two years, I’ve been planning mine for a few months. She only just now told me how angry and hurt she is by me having my wedding in the same year because apparently a family member told her they’re not going to her wedding and are instead coming to mine. I feel terrible for her, but I also don’t want to cancel or move my wedding back…but I’m not sure if I’m just being selfish? Is this a piece of wedding etiquette that I am not familiar with?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Personally, I don’t think so. It’s likely the cost of travel to Argentina is a much bigger factor than the weddings being in the same year. I personally could afford a trip to the other side of the US, but international travel would definitely be impossible for me financially.

      1. Wedding Witch*

        Thank you. With family it is so hard for me to know if I’m being reasonable or if I’m actually being a jerk without realizing it.

      2. Cormorannt*

        Cost, and it’s a long flight to Argentina. It’s difficult to find non-stop flights and even with a stop there’s usually one leg that’s 10+ hours. I understand her feelings, it kind of sucks that her wedding is harder to get to and your family will be more likely to skip it since they’ll see everyone at your wedding. But that’s life. I would try to be sympathetic while also not changing my plans.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      On the one hand, I think it probably should have occurred to you that if everyone is going to have to travel to both weddings, then a lot of people might have to do one or the other, and folks with a more limited travel budget would probably pick the in-country one over the one that requires traveling to a different hemisphere, getting a passport if they don’t already have one, etc. So to that end, yeah, your surprise at her hurt does seem a little disingenuous, and I think it would’ve been nice to talk to her about the timing before you scheduled, even if only to get it out on the table and find out how she was going to react before you started booking things.

      On the other hand, arguably, your sister should know that having a wedding on the literal other side of the world from where your family lives means a lot of people won’t be able to make it, because that’s what comes with destination weddings if you’re not wealthy enough to pay everyone’s travel expenses, and that would have happened to some degree whether you were also getting married the same year or not. So she’s also being a little precious.

      (And on that mutant third hand, it was kind of snotty of your relative to outright tell her that they were skipping her wedding to come to yours instead, instead of just letting that part be quietly unspoken.)

      So IMO you’re all being a little bit selfish-jerk-y, given the context, but it is my experience that weddings bring out the jerk in a lot of folks, and most of the time you just have to figure out how to muddle through it.

      1. Wedding Witch*

        OMG I SO agree about the family member telling her that! SO rude! But you’re right, I should have had a deeper conversation with her and probed a little further into her answers to make sure she was okay. I appreciate you taking the time to write all this out, now I have to figure out what to do about it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Just to clarify, I think the family member is definitely the jerk-iest of the three of you. (Who even SAYS that if they’re not TRYING to cause trouble. :P )

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Also mutant fourth hand, if your wedding were in Jan 2026 instead of Dec 2025, it’d be in a different year and it still probably wouldn’t make much difference to people who either can’t afford to go to both or just don’t want to do that much long-distance traveling 7 (or 8) months later. So the whole “same year” thing is a bit of a red herring on her end.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yes. It’s nice if two close family members don’t get married in close proximity to each other, and if they do, it’s nice if they don’t both go all out, but these things happen and everyone will have to understand and give some grace about it. It would not have made a lick of distance to wait another month or two so don’t think it’s all about the year.

          2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

            Agree! “Within a year or even more” is probably more accurate for average people. Long enough so people have available PTO and budget to fly to weddings (on top of whatever else they usually need their PTO and budget for). Two destination weddings in any family close together is going to be a challenge — but that also doesn’t mean that the second bride has to wait forever, either. Sometimes life is just complicated like that.

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            I agree. It would be different if WW were holding her wedding only a month or two later or something, but this is over half a year.

            Weddings are a chance to learn that there is no such thing as perfection. There is never going to be a perfect time and place for everyone–all you can do is be kind and realistic.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        To be fair to that family member, we are not hearing what they said directly. They very well might have said something like “I can’t afford to travel to Argentina, but you will see me at little sister’s wedding instead”.

    3. HannahS*

      Your sister is being ridiculous; your wedding is more than six months after hers. You are not getting married “at” her. You have a very good reason to have your wedding sooner rather than later. I admit that coming from a more religious Jewish background the idea of delaying a wedding is foreign to me.

      It is true that it is burdensome on a family to have two destinations weddings in a year from a cost perspective. If I had two cousins with destination weddings six months apart, I’d probably have to pick one because it’s a lot of money and time. But that’s life! Other people’s plans are sometimes inconvenient!

      I find it really interesting to think about what a wedding “means.” At one point (and still for many including me), a wedding marked the start of your life together with your spouse. I think modern weddings are often a really lovely affirmation of an already shared life…but then weirdly the industry made it, like, the bride’s “special day.” Which your sister seems to have taken to mean that it’s her “special year.”

      If what you want is to preserve the relationship with your sister, I think it’s worth apologizing for how it’s worked out. I don’t think it’ll harm anyone to say that you’re so sorry that the timing of your wedding means that this specific family member might not come to hers, and then gently express that your wedding is seven months after hers, and you can’t wait a whole year after her wedding to get married because you want grandma to be there. I wonder if she feels you’re “stealing her thunder” because your family members are talking about your wedding now, in the present, instead of focusing on her. Maybe it would help if you reassured her that you’re so excited to celebrate with her at the wonderful event she’s spent so long planning, and that you hope that she’ll be able to be happy for you, too.

      1. Wedding Witch*

        Thank you for your response. From reading other’s answers, I see how I was inconsiderate, but I’m also so legitimately worried that my grandma will pass away before my wedding.

        1. HannahS*

          To be clear, I honestly don’t think you were inconsiderate; I think your sister is being absurd. I have friends and relatives who got married in short spans. Being in a religious family and community means that this is basically inevitable. What are you supposed to do, wait a year between each sibling? I suggested apologizing because I think that validating her feelings while setting your boundary (that you’re not changing your wedding) will help your relationship with your sister, not because I think she’s right.

          I also…you know, my partner and I planned a simple wedding in like five months, cancelled it and eloped due to covid, then planned a simple reception several years later in about eight months. Someone taking two years to plan a wedding probably means that they are putting, hmm, a lot of themselves into the wedding in a way that I do not feel is important or necessary. So maybe your sister takes her wedding a lot more personally than you do (or than I did.)

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I mean, from a sheer distance/passport point of view I can see why advance planning is necessary. But that doesn’t mean that the sister gets to hold everybody’s plans hostage until some magical date!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If that’s truly your biggest concern, and you would otherwise be willing to delay — could you consider doing a super small wedding as planned with just like, your parents (whichever parents y’all want present) and your grandma and then go out to a nice dinner, and then have the big reception with all the invitations and festivities and everything the following year?

          I’m not saying you SHOULD do that by any stretch, but it might be a way to avoid the family drama and still have your gran at your wedding. (You could, depending on circumstances, even potentially do the big shenanigans as a joint party with your sister, to celebrate both your weddings with the stateside family? Again, not necessarily a SHOULD, nobody should fault you for wanting your own big party, but an option to consider.)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            And of course wouldn’t it be awesome if Gran was still able to make it to the big shenanigans?! Fingers crossed for you that she’ll be around for a good while yet; my great gran made it to 106 and only ended up in a nursing home because she fell down and broke her leg dancing at her own 100th birthday party and it didn’t heal well.

          2. Wedding Witch*

            I would be so willing to do a joint party, but my sister wouldn’t like that at all. She really wants to have her day just focused on her, which is totally fair! It’s just tough because I love her a lot and really don’t want to cause drama or pain! Two years ago we had three family weddings that were all destination weddings and it wasn’t a big deal for folks. I, naively I guess, assumed that it wouldn’t be this year either but I was wrong. I just wish she’d told me all this before I sent out save the dates. (I told her our tentative date ahead of time and she didn’t have any feedback then, but I also didn’t ask any probing questions.)

            1. fhqwhgads*

              OK yeah then she definitely missed her to moment to raise her concerns and doing it now is more petty.
              If the first time she found out the date was with the save-the-dates and the thing with the relative happened right after that, I could see her sort of having an abrupt outsized reaction…but she knew before then and said nothing, you’re not a mind-reader.

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                Yeah, if there was going to be a problem, the time to mention it is when your sister asks “is this going to be a problem?”

            2. Still*

              Eh, if you’ve run the date by her before sending save-the-dates then I really think it’s on her for not speaking up earlier. My guess is she thought it was fine until the relative made the thoughtless comment about missing her wedding to attend yours.

              I think planning a destination wedding in a year where people are already traveling to another one isn’t the best, but you say that it hasn’t been an issue in your family. I think as long as you’re willing to accept that people might not have the time or the money to come to your wedding, you’re fine.

            3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              …. ok, your jerk points are reversed. If you told her about it up front and she didn’t raise issues at that point, she missed the train.

            4. Elizabeth West*

              If you already said something, I wouldn’t worry about it then. She had her chance to object. Don’t let her run roughshod over you.

            5. Middle Aged Lady*

              I think you did the right thing to ask her and you are in the clear. I think your sister should expect that not a lot of family can come to Argentina for her wedding. If she’s been planning for two years, surely she knows that by now? I think people who told her they would come but back out to come to yours instead would be very rude.
              I think your sister is going to have to grt used to the distance to her spouse’s family being an issue from now on. Where they spend holidays, how often families get to see any grandchildren, and so on. And this is just the first instance of it.
              I feel compassion for her—but you are doing nothing wrong by marrying next year. Her two years of plans don’t count for more than your few months. Good luck!

        3. Slippers*

          To fuel your fire, my sister and I got married in the same year (I am younger and got married 6 months before her*). My grandpa DID die two weeks before her wedding – we found out he had stomach cancer a few months after my wedding and he went quickly.

          *In my defense, she and her (now ex-) husband had lived together for 6+ years and there was no sign they were getting engaged any time soon, let alone married. We had our wedding date picked (and communicated with my family) before we were even engaged. My husband did wait to propose until after she got engaged, per her request.

    4. Lighted*

      A jerk? Probably not. A bit thoughtless, yeah. It was very predictable that doing this would cause issues, so making that choice looks rather… pointed. I can understand why she’s hurting.

      The real question is, is it more important to you to be right, or to be happy?

      1. Wedding Witch*

        I get why she’s hurting, but I also want to have my grandmother at my wedding. She won’t be able to go to my sister’s wedding because international travel is just too much for her. I figured by pushing my wedding 7 months out from my sister’s, that would alleviate some of the issues…although tbh, I honestly didn’t see there being that many because two years ago, three of my cousins had destination weddings three months apart each and everyone made it to all of theirs.

        So yeah, it was thoughtless because I was relying on what my family did in the past and wasn’t thinking of where we’re at now.

        1. Wedding Witch*

          Also that last statement reads wayyyyyy jerkier than it sounded in my brain! What I really meant was that you’re right, I wasn’t being considerate of where everyone is at now, and I wasn’t being considerate of how my sister might feel that I’m valuing my grandma’s attendance at my wedding over the overall joy around her wedding, which is a very, very valid way to feel! And I appreciate you taking the time to point that out

        2. Blue wall*

          What were the travel times to the other destination weddings? Going to Argentina is very different from traveling to Florida or the Bahamas.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Neither of you are being jerks, but I think she is really misinterpreting your relative’s comment. There are a lot of invitees who would not be able to go to hers, regardless of when yours may be.

      1. Clisby*

        Exactly. The people who don’t want to go all the way to Argentina for a wedding don’t want to do it no matter who else is getting married in the same year.

    6. TargetControlSystem*

      I’m surprised that some folks are responding that this move is thoughtless. Why can’t two weddings in a year be anything but a celebration? You’re not a jerk in the least. The culprit is destination weddings IMO just because they are going to be a barrier to some people no matter when, how many weddings there are and who planned theirs first. Totally support destination weddings when the couple lets go of expectations for people attending. Like your grandma… who knows whether she can come to either… a lot can change at that age in a few months. But now you know your sister is upset, a gracious thing to do might be a way to carve out some time to honour their marriage at yours so she can have a bit of spotlight for the relatives who couldn’t travel to hers. If you’re not craving all attention on you, might be a lovely part to plan with her just to celebrate the amazing year with your family. Congratulations!

      1. WellRed*

        So much this! This wasn’t thoughtless and I’m planning on popcorn to hear more wedding drama created by your sister because I’d be shocked if this us the only drama. What’s next? “Saved” baby names? Does she often get her way at your expense? Get married when you want and congratulations!

    7. fruit salad*

      So, the two limiting factors for people is: two travel destinations, and two holidays. Everyone I’ve known that married a person from a different country had two weddings, so each family could attend the wedding with minimal cost/logistics etc. Obviously one of those is more a big party, because the legal wedding has taken place, but you could still do a reading of vows, etc. The other factor is holiday time. If I’m travelling to a wedding, that’ll generally be the better part of a week. And, I may not want to spend two weeks of holiday time on someone else’s holiday plans (wedding), even if I could afford it. So, in that sense, waiting till January might have been easier, as every place I’ve ever worked, I get my yearly holidays starting in January.
      Surely your sister knows that holding the wedding in Argentina prioritises the spouse’s family and not hers – same if the wedding was held where her family lives (prioritises the sister’s family and not the Argentinians). Maybe she should hold a 2nd wedding party later in the summer for her family/friends?
      As someone said upthread, both you & your sister are being a teeny bit selfish. Hopefully you can talk things out and emerge with no hurt feelings.

      1. Wedding Witch*

        That’s so interesting about holidays! Everywhere I’ve worked, I accumulate leave time, so for me years don’t really matter it is just how much time I can accumulate. Same with most of my friends and family.

        And yeah, I totally get you about spending your holiday on someone else’s celebration! Honestly that’s why I’ve been planning my wedding months after my sister’s: I (again, stupidly) thought that people would have already committed to hers and so would have to bow out of mine, which I am fine with. Nobody owes me attendance, if someone said they were going to my sister’s instead of mine I’d be a little confused why they felt they needed to tell me, but also not insulted. Argentina is much more interesting (to me) that Oregon!

        But, like you said, this was a bit myopic on my part. I didn’t account for different types of leave accruals nor did I account for “wedding years”. My sister is a highly sensitive person, I am not, so I often misstep and now I get to figure out what to do about it. Thank you very much for your input.

        1. fruit salad*

          Huh, leave is so different at so many places. I started a new job this year, and *this year only* I only get accrued holiday time. As of Jan 1 of next year, I can take my annual allotment all at once. Does everyone you know take Dec 31 off? Can you carry forward holiday? Is it use it/lose it holiday. So curious!
          I suppose this is a bit work related, sorry.

          Honestly, I think your sister should throw a 2nd party. Then she gets two days to star in. Overall, I think you’re fine, and reading some of the other details you’ve filled in (like, you ran the date past her first), I think you’re more than fine.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        If sis is so adamant about everyone coming, why can’t she have a reception in US Home Town a few weeks after Argentina? Then she’d get all the family who can’t travel to come.

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          This is definitely what I was thinking. My sister did a very small destination wedding in the Caribbean followed by a huge party in our hometown a month later.

    8. Rainy*

      You’re not being a jerk. She doesn’t get to bogart 2025, and her “moment” is in May.

      My husband and I got engaged in Aug 2017 and set our date for Dec 2018 at that time. One of his brothers got engaged in Sep 2017 (on our birthday! pretty awesome bday present honestly) and married exactly 3 months to the day before us in Sep 2018. The weddings were 3 months apart, we didn’t care, both weddings were gorgeous and not even remotely like one another. Some people from Mr Rainy and his brother’s family didn’t travel twice (we lived in the same city at the time, which was not where any of us had roots or family except each other), but these things happen and we weren’t mad about it.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This. A wedding is one day. Even if they were both close in proximity, there will likely be guests who can’t come to both anyway for various reasons.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      Seriously, no one gets to blank out an entire year for their event, this is beyond silly. She is going to be a very, very unhappy and disappointed bride if she expects to control guests’ responses to invitations. Your sister is being totally ridiculous and is massively overreacting to one person not being able to make it. Even if the wedding was local to her family, it’s an invitation, not a summons so there will always be a few who decline, but with an international wedding it’s practically guaranteed that many people won’t be able to go. It’s cowardly of your relative to blame you while sending their regrets, but sister sounds pretty scary on this topic, so maybe that’s why. So, exactly how invested is your sister in enabling this relative to go, like will she rearrange her wedding budget to pay their fare? Is her only solution that you should sacrifice your whole wedding in order to solve it? Is she even particularly close to the relative? I would have some sympathy if the weddings were right on top of each other making travel to both weddings impossible or logistically difficult, but if people can’t afford to travel to an international wedding several months after a national wedding, then I don’t think they’re going to swing it ten or twelve months after it either. Your grandmother’s time constraints are so much more important!! As for your sister, well it’s her wedding, and she gets to have it however and wherever she wants it, but she doesn’t get to control what other people do. I laughed when you called yourself naive by following what family members had done before. I guarantee you that those brides got grief for something ridiculous too; everyone who plans a wedding does. It’s a wedding! When you get a ridiculous request while planning your wedding, just say “Oh dear! Oh no!.. Well, *I can’t change any of my wedding plans* at this point, but blah blah blah if that will help” The important thing is to say flat out that you’re not going to change your plans. That part’s important. Whereas the blah blah section of the speech can be literally anything big or small, like ‘I’ll let people know I don’t expect to be prioritised over you’ or ‘I’ll make sure to bring their gift to your wedding day’ or ‘I’ll cross my fingers everything else goes well’. Or, you can be blunt and tell her she’s being a pill if you’re comfortable doing that, but I’ve found it’s a lot less energy to sympathise and outline what you CAN do, while stubbornly asserting that OBVIOUSLY you can’t change set in stone wedding plans. My friend used this script a lot when she had the temerity to plan a child free wedding (per her venue’s rules) and people were upset they couldn’t attend: ” “Oh dear! Oh no!.. Well, *I can’t change any of my wedding plans* at this point, but we can get together and make a special weekend of it another time if that will help”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Heh, back when Husband and I got engaged, we tentatively selected a date in March because it was around then that we had started dating. My mother objected because March Madness is then and she’d miss the basketball games. Seriously.

        We ended up doing it in October which, weather wise, was definitely the right decision. But seriously, people are going to come up with “problems” no matter what!

    10. allathian*

      Your sister sounds like she’s turned into a bridezilla with a vengeance. She’s lucky to get anyone to travel to her destination wedding. Given that her fiance’s Argentinian, the wedding would require some people to travel no matter where it happens.

      Good luck, your sister needs to realize that her wedding is the event of a lifetime for her and her fiance, nobody else.

      1. Jackalope*

        I disagree with the sister here – she doesn’t get to reserve the whole year for herself – but bridezilla is a word thrown around much more than it should be. She will have to deal with her feelings of disappointment, but having those feelings doesn’t make her a bad person.

        1. allathian*

          Having those feelings doesn’t make her a bad person, but she should know better than to express them to the LW. That said, judging by the LW’s other comments here, this seems standard for their sibling dynamic. The sister should get over herself.

    11. Clisby*

      No – and I don’t even understand her thinking. I would be sympathetic if you had announced your wedding would take place a month before hers, but that’s not the case here.

      In my opinion, if you have a destination wedding on the other side of the US or Argentina, you realize some people won’t come just because of that. (I live on the US east coast; I would not attend a family wedding in Argentina or Oregon unless it was my mother, sister, or daughter/son getting married. )

    12. jm*

      Hellooo! If she’s been planning for over two years, how much more pi$@sed would she have been if you jumped ahead of her wedding?? Did she think she owned three whole years??

    13. Catsu*

      Given the context…yeah you’re being a little inconsiderate. If you have any flexibility, it would be nice to push your wedding back a little for your sister’s sake. If you really can’t/don’t want to, you will have to accept your sister will be upset at you.

      1. Rainy*

        I really don’t understand how it’s “inconsiderate” to have a wedding 9 months after her sister’s wedding.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      No, I don’t think so. That’s over half a year from her wedding, and frankly Argentina was going to be a reach for a lot of people anyway, I’m guessing. Not that she shouldn’t have it there! It’s just going to be beyond some people’s purses and schedules.

      That said, I do think that family member was pretty rude in saying I’m going to Wedding Witch’s wedding instead–that set up a competition where none needed to exist.

    15. Shiny Penny*

      Ah, Wedding Witch! You buried the lede. :)

      “My sister is a highly sensitive person, I am not, so I often misstep and now I get to figure out what to do about it.“

      It’s easy for a kindhearted person to be constantly on the defensive when dealing with ‘highly sensitive people.” If you haven’t already, you might spend some time on Captain Awkward’s site. She offers great tools/skills re dealing with …difficult?…. family members. If you reflexively default to “I need to do/should have done better” (ordinarily a very decent place to start improving a relationship) you might benefit from exploring the bigger picture.

      Even ‘highly sensitive’ family members are responsible for their share of good communication, forgiveness, reasonable expectations, coping with disappointment, cooperating in getting over rough patches….
      (On my fridge I have posted a little card: “You will be blamed either way.” Just to help keep *my* expectations reasonable!)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I get pretty fed up with some ‘sensitive’ people because the only thing they ever seem to be sensitive about is their own needs and wants.

        2. Clumsy Ninja*

          OMG – yes! “You should know that we’re more sensitive than you and see how we would interpret it and change accordingly.” – But you’re not expected to do the same and see my point of view???

    16. Not your typical admin*

      I don’t think you’re being a jerk at all. My husband is a minister, and has done a lot of weddings. Like any special occasion, they tend to bring out drama. There’s lots of reasons people pick a day for their wedding, or have longer or shorter engagements. And honestly, it’s not odd for people in a family to get married within a year or so of each other. In my own family, my sister got married in February, and my brother got married in April. Was it hectic? Absolutely! But it worked out. Make your plans, keep the drama at a minimal, and enjoy your day.

    17. Morning Reader*

      Slightly different perspective: if your main concern is that your grandmother be able to be at your nuptials, prioritize that over date or location. Get married earlier, or simpler, and closer to her location so she can be there.
      In my family, the over 90s have never made it to a wedding. Too far (for a destination wedding) to travel, or too hard to walk to (for local outdoor weddings or rustic venues.) Given that your grandmother might decline to attend if she doesn’t feel up to it, I suggest either getting married simply in her presence with little regard for other factors; or, have the “wedding of your dreams” just a little later than you planned, to give sister her year, and not worry about grandmother since she very likely wouldn’t attend no matter what you do. Or do both! Quickie simple wedding in her living room, soon, then big blowout party a year later.
      I could be wrong but would hate to see you bend your planning around her being able to be there and then something happens to prevent it.

      1. Emma*

        Seconding all of this as questions to consider. Guests’ attendance are unfortunately never guaranteed – a lot can happen in a year.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        This is exactly what I was going to say. Domestic travel may be less difficult for your grandmother at this moment but that is a year away. Hopefully your grandmother will continue to be as healthy and able-bodied, but there are no guarantees in this lifetime. If having your grandmother is your no. 1 priority, then actually plan around it. My husband and I specifically chose to have our wedding in our home country so my grandparents could attend. Seven years later my sister got engaged (to her live-in bf) and spent a year and a half planning her perfect wedding. It was “so important” for our grandparents to be there, but not important enough to move the date up and iirc both grandparents passed away before the wedding. Instead of having them at the wedding, she had their photographs on a table. My sister still says she had exactly the wedding she wanted, and I’m glad she did, but I would have gotten married iny grandparents’ living room if that was as far as they could travel – it’s just different priorities.
        Congratulations on your engagement and best of luck planning the wedding!

    18. Emma*

      We had a family member plan their wedding to be **1 week** from ours, for similar reasons. It sucked, was annoying, etc. And the person who they wanted to attend the wedding the most (a family member who would have had to fly in from abroad to attend both weddings) attended neither! I still find it irritating that they planned their wedding so close to ours, but I understand the emotional reason that they did it.

      Try also to think about the worst case scenario – like what if your grandmother isn’t ultimately able to attend. See if it still makes sense to hold it when/where you have planned. And do keep trying to make nice with your sister- weddings are an emotional time, with big feelings, but you’ll be sisters forever.

    19. Seashell*

      Her moment is going to be over way before yours even takes place. You’re not stealing anything.

      I imagine some relatives don’t have passports or wouldn’t want to be on such a long flight for any reason, but some may be attending her wedding and not yours. It’s rather childish to plan a wedding in an inconvenient place for most people and then pout about them not coming.

      1. Clisby*

        If I didn’t already have a passport, there’s no way I’d get one just for some destination wedding – not even if it was my own child’s.

        2. NancyDrew*

          What an odd comment! You really wouldn’t take one administrative step of getting a passport for your own child’s wedding?

    21. Pennyworth*

      Sorry, but your sister is having an attack of the Bridezillas. Her wedding is first in the year, yours is half a year later. There is no reason for you to move your wedding or be apologetic. She is being silly.

    22. Clumsy Ninja*

      It is ridiculous to think that she can reserve an entire year for the spotlight on her wedding. If you had chosen a date that was a month away from hers, that would be different. But she can’t monopolize the entire year. The sad fact is that destination weddings are expensive for guests, so yes, some family members will only attend one. (And who’s to say that the – rude, IMHO, for telling her this flat out – family member would have forked over the $$$$ for Argentina, anyway?)

      I see from your later comments that she is “highly sensitive” and you are less so, but please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that means she is right and you are wrong. You can tell her that you are sorry that she feels this way, and it was not your intention to cause any issues. But you are getting married nine months later, and you are unable to change the date. (If she pushes back, I’d bring up that you told her the date before sending it out, and she had her chance to object then and didn’t take it.)

    23. George*

      Heh, this is a classic hostage situation. Don’t give in to (emotional) ransom demands. Have your wedding when & where you want it. This is also a classic repeat question in advice columns — same answer. The only thing not to do at sister’s wedding is to make a huge announcement of yours but, otherwise, carry on. Don’t be bullied ’cause once you give in once, it never ends.

      As someone above noted, you can’t use weddings to fix dysfunctional family.

  40. Victoria, Please*

    Best websites for information about home renovation costs?

    We have an estimate that we can’t quite believe.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Costs for construction have gone up exponentially the last few years, so make sure what you check is current.
      We always get at least 3 estimates for something like that, and if they’re all in the same ball park we feel good about the accuracy. If one is way off from the others, we go over it with a fine toothed comb. Last time that happened it was a landscaping project, and the much lower one somehow didn’t include the cost of plants, concrete or any materials other than gravel.

      1. TargetControlSystem*

        Can’t recommend this enough. We finished a major renovation this year and construction costs are shockingly higher. I got five quotes and did a deep dive on 3 for understanding the line items, references, the lot. I was gobsmacked when I did references to find how many people didn’t get more than one quote and didn’t stick to their renovation plan. It’s a huge outlay and they were nearly winging it. Gobsmacked.

        Websites don’t matter to verify veracity of an estimate. Your renovation costs are based on your specific needs, your house, and your region’s code requirements. The best information we got from websites was what due diligence checks and questions for your contractor before committing, what to learn from reference checks. Also, the clearer you are on your requirements, the better the estimate. Know in advance what you must get done and what you will compromise on later. Don’t scrimp on your pre-planning efforts because cost of construction are partly your responsibility, not just your contractor.

    2. Reba*

      Post on the Houzz forums with some details of your project. You can also get good advice on your planned changes there, although warning some posters are acerbic.

    3. office hobbit*

      A lot will depend on your region, so you might get a better comparison by asking in local forums for your city/area (facebook, nextdoor, wherever the people congregate). And by getting multiple bids, of course.

    4. WFH4VR*

      Look at it this way: To build a new house in the Northeast right now, the costs are a minimum of $500 per square foot, and that does not include the land. Renovation per square foot is much higher especially if you need to re-do plumbing and wiring inside walls, replace heating systems, or start tearing out bathroom fixtures.

    5. MissB*

      I remember doing a kitchen addition at our old house back in 1997. We added a bit on the back of our 1912 house which required pouring a big foundation for the addition. I think we added 15’x20’ to the back of the house. The cost of the concrete and framing was $5k.

      In 2004, we added a porch foundation to our current house. Much smaller scope, but still a decent sized addition (9’x20’). $5k for just the concrete.

      This year, I did some concrete landscaping steps to our newly redone back yard. There are maybe 6 steps total. $5k.

      Costs were shocking each and every time.

      Multiple bids will help you determine whether the costs are outrageous or not.

      Dh and I have done a ton of remodeling projects over the years. Besides multiple bids, we act as our own general contractor. It’s a pain to hire every sub contractor and do the oversight but it allows us to save money, particularly where we don’t need a sub and can do the work ourselves.

      Paying a contractor will always be expensive.

      As a slight aside, we bid out our backyard project this past spring. We had a budget for the project (most we’ve spent on this house and that includes the full kitchen remodel two years ago) and knew exactly what we wanted. We spent quite a few hours comparing the two bids. Yes, we only got two bids because there were few contractors that could do the work- we had nonstandard material for them to use. Anyway, we didn’t go with the cheapest bid. Digging into the details of each bid was an important step in deciding on which contractor to go with. One contractor was more vague about the execution of the various phases and kept stressing that they’d have a project manager on site each day. The other contractor was very specific in how they’d phase the project, and was very willing to answer all of our questions before we signed the contract. Definite white collar vs blue collar vibes between the two. We are happy with our choice.

  41. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    Any recommendations for how to do accountability buddy stuff for hobbies? I can’t (and don’t want to) do the x minutes a day thing, and gamifying approaches, like Habitica, do not work for my brain. I have a friend who’s willing to pair with me on progress check-ins, but I am trying to figure out how to do that with the minimum executive function overhead (we are not in close enough proximity to do in-person check-ins).

    1. Not That Jane*

      My hubby has a daily alarm on his phone to call his best friend; and I think they use an agreed-upon set of accountabilibuddy questions that they ask each other. (Why yes, they are both engineers!)

      Obviously daily is probably too often for most people – it would be for me – but I like the general idea. :)

      1. Double A*

        We have a little “walking group” at work with the goal to walk on our walking pads (we’re remote). We have a shared spreadsheet that we update. We also have a chat going. That might work, where you have something you update daily (or however often) and then maybe once a week text to check on with each other.

    2. RagingADHD*

      a) Making it a real treat that you look forward to, and

      b) body doubling.

      Is it a hobby you can do with people, or that you can do while on a Zoom call with someone else who is doing their own project?

    3. Dancing Otter*

      It depends on the hobby. If fiber arts (knitting, crochet, sewing, or quilting) are your choice, there are groups on Ravelry supporting project completion, or generally sharing progress. Generally, this is a discussion thread within a group, but I know of at least one group that’s just about UFOs (unfinished objects, not alien spacecraft).
      Oh, there are also people discussing cooking or exercise, but those aren’t really Ravelry’s purpose. For example, one of my groups has a thread where members report their daily walking distance, but it’s not the focus of the group. Another thread is “What’s for dinner?”, which seems to combine recipe exchange and other food-related chit chat.

  42. MissGirl*

    I was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer this week and I have two questions:

    I really need a laugh. I remember a story from here that I think was part of mortification week a few years ago that I can’t find and I’ve looked everywhere. It was a woman who’d had some type of breast surgery. Post surgery while still out of it, she talked to her boss about how amazing the new girls were. Anyone remember this and could find it?

    Anyone been through radiation? I’ll only need a few weeks but I’m curious how people feel on it.

    FYI, I’m super early. The surgical biopsy already got it all. I’m just waiting on genetic testing and consults to determine next treatment. It’ll probably just be the radiation and Tamoxifen.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I remember and treasure that story, as an example of how even if you feel great, you should not head into the office after the outpatient surgery so you can write all the emails.

      Radiation: Do all of the stretches they give you. Fatigue for me was massive, and forcing myself through exercise (as the radiologist recommended) did in fact work. (I do know people for whom the fatigue was just being a little tired, so hopefully that’s you.)

      If they don’t give you a little heart-shaped pillow at the start, order one. Once the burn came up I lived with it under my arm.

      I found PT afterwards tremendously helpful. Both as soon as the burn healed, and then six months later when I had healed as much as I was going to and they could be more aggressive. (My cancer and radiation were along the chest wall, and affected the rib muscles; if yours is closer to the surface this might not be a big thing.) Specifically I went to a large practice associated with the hospital, which had people who specialized in breast cancer and private rooms.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Also I liked Marisa Marchetto’s Cancer Vixen, a graphic novel by a New Yorker cartoonist.

      2. MissGirl*

        How many weeks of radiation did you have? Were you tired from the get-go or only after the sessions accumulated?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Two months of radiation, and I was slogging through mud by a week in. I couldn’t safely drive myself by the end of it, I felt. (I did this during the pandemic shutdowns, and my son had come home from college and drove me for the last two weeks.) But there is definitely a range–I knew people who probably wouldn’t have registered that they were kind of run down if they hadn’t known unusual fatigue was a likely symptom and been tuned into that.

    4. tab*

      I had the radiation after surgery, and I didn’t experience the tiredness that was predicted. The actual radiation time each day was very short, and I was able to keep doing my workouts. One nice thing the radiation center did, was let me bring in a CD of music they would play during my treatment. I listened to Mozart, which I find both beautiful and comforting. I wish the same painless and successful treatment for you. I’m now over 12 years cancer free, and I was stage 2.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I had the radiation after a lumpectomy. I was a tad tired, but it didn’t hit me too hard. One thing that helped my skin was to follow the facility’s protocol of heavy moisturizing right after the radiation and at bedtime. I think they gave me some artisanal moisturizing concoction and also had me slathering Cerave on there. I was lucky — barely got much of a burn — and I think the moisturizing helped.

    6. Rara Avis*

      I was diagnosed with DCIS in January. I did 16 days of radiation. (5 days a week, weekends off.) the radiation was not difficult. Getting everything set up takes some time (they have to line you up perfectly.) The actual sessions are short. I followed all the directions regarding skincare and had only minor skin damage. I worked throughout and didn’t feel overly tired (although I did come down with Covid 3 days after finishing radiation.) I hope it goes well for you!

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks. DCIS is what I have and had never heard of it prior to a few months ago when my needle biopsy came back inconclusive. It’s good to hear from other women.

    7. Middle Aged Lady*

      I had stage one and radiation. It wasn’t too bad. Regular use of Cerave cream kept my skin healthy and I was a little fatigued towards the end of my few weeks; it felt like the week after you get over the flu. They took me off my HRT since mine was hormone-driven and gave me anastrozole (is that like tamoxifen?) i did not do well on it (massive hot flashes, interrupted sleep and constant UTIs) and the medical oncologist told me my risk factor for re-occurence was about the same as the general public so we stopped it. He also allowed me to use topical Estradiol cream.
      I am three years cancer free and feeling great. I am wishing the same good outcome for you.

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks. The doctor said some women can’t handle the hormone drugs so they play it by ear especially at my age. I’m thinking I probably won’t do well on it with other factors.

    8. Hypatia*

      iI had stage 1 – I had surgery, chemo, and radiation. Radiation was 6 weeks- it wasn’t bad. I just got very tired by the end. My skin was bad on my back- I forgot to moisturize there the first weeks and paid the price. I’d suggest to moisturize like crazy with whatever lotion/ointment they offer, and give yourself time to rest as it wears on.
      (Honestly though, I hated lying there getting radiation. It doesn’t hurt, but I felt a little helpless. I would have rather have had another few cycles of chemo instead. But I think that’s not typical for most people.)

    9. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m stage zero DCIS and having a lumpectomy, and probably no follow-on treatment at all; no radiation or chemo or hormone therapy. My surgeon says that based on current clinical trials, someone with my minimal presentation probably won’t even get surgery 10 years from now, just observation and being ready to jump at the slightest change. I will be very glad to get rid of the lingering and painful seroma that the biopsy left behind, and I send many dark thoughts toward whoever invented the table used for stereotactic biopsy! Best of luck to both of us.

      1. MissGirl*

        I get it. Over the last few months, I’ve had a full mammogram, two diagnostic mammograms, two ultrasounds, an MRI, three stereotactic biopsies, and two excisions. At least the last was during the same surgery where all the others procedures were across different visits. Two of the clusters were so small, they couldn’t actually get enough of a sample to know for sure, hence the surgical biopsy. Luckily, that took care of it and no further lumpectomy is necessary. My breasts really hate the poor technicians and their torture machines.

        I’m not sure yet what exactly my follow-up care will be until I meet with those doctors. Your post gives me hope that we’re both so early this is merely a blip in our lives.

  43. Bibliovore*

    Definitely going to Phoenix on business at the end of January. I will have 2 afternoons off while I am there. Will be downtown near the convention center.
    Anyone have any favorite restaurants to recommend- spendy is okay, I would like to treat a dear friend and get a reservation.
    Any day spas or place to get a massage that you like?
    I will not have a car but can take a service.
    Is the musical instrument museum worth a visit?
    Anything I shouldn’t miss?

    2. WellRed*

      Phoenix botanical gardens are nice. The Heard museum is very moving. I adored Butchers Apprentice restaurant near the arena downtown for food.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I really liked the botanical garden, and its restaurant was very good. (Specifically the smoked tofu dish. Which they may no longer have, but when you can execute a great tofu appetizer I take notice.)

    5. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      My fav place in PHX is the Heard Museum, but I’m a museum nerd. It’s a collection you won’t find anywhere else and it is downtown.

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      Seconding Taliesin West and Pizzeria Bianco. I’ve never been to the spa at Valley Ho but I’d bet it’s worth a try. Definitely a cool retro hotel.

    8. Bibliovore*

      I know about Taliesin West. Mr. Bibliovore was a huge Frank Lloyd Wright fan and we made an annual pilgrimage to Spring Green Wisconsin. Our house is mid-century modern with all the original built-ins. Taliesin West was on our travel plans but we never got to go together. Not sure how I will feel about going there on my own.
      Good to know it is worth an Uber ride.
      Will see about some restaurant reservations- the suggestions seem right up my alley.
      The Heard also sounds right for me. Also nice to know the botanical gardens are worth it.

    9. Just a name*

      Pizzeria Bianca has the best pizza. Ever. Expect a wait for a table or a bar seat. We try to go there every time we go to AZ because it isn’t very far from the airport. Near some children’s science center, iirc.

    10. Gyne*

      ooo, also judging by your username, the Changing Hands Bookstore is worth a visit- there are two locations, but if it’s an even split, go to the Phoenix location with the First Draft Book Bar.

    11. Kay*

      Second the Desert Botanic Garden and grabbing something to eat at Gertrudes on site, there is also the Japanese Friendship Garden downtown. You mentioned you are coming end of January – make sure your trip does not coincide with the Phoenix Open or Barrett Jackson if you want to go to the North Scottsdale area (Taliesin) during the day as the traffic is unbelievable.

      For downtown – Wren & Wolf has consistently good food if you can handle a decor of dead things everywhere, Blue Hound in the Palomar is also good. If the weather is nice I would suggest taking a cab up to Lon’s at Hermosa Inn for an outdoor lunch there, especially if you have a friend, and make sure to order the sticky buns. There is also Bacanora, Restaurant Progress, Valentine and Quiessence at the Farm South Mountain which never disappoint, plus the famous Pizzeria Bianco (though Cibo also has great pizza, venue and is easier to get into). So many great options I could go on!

      For spa I would go north of downtown to someplace like Royal Palms and eat at T. Cooks after, there is also the Phoenician, Omni-Montelucia and of course – the Biltmore.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you for these suggestions. I will make some reservations. I will look into the Royal Palms for the spa. I am in on 24th. I am okay eating at bars if it is just me. The Japanese Friendship garden also looks like a good fit.

  44. Wedding Witch*

    Most of mine are from thrift stores, but I have a great travel maxi dress from Uniqlo (Ultra Stretch Sleeveless) It is cool, durable, doesn’t get super stinky, and has really good pockets. I also have a maxi skirt from Old Navy that has pockets and is pretty cute and durable. Ooh and a few years ago I got a super cute maxi skirt from Ann Taylor that I love! It is patterned, lightweight, and has pockets.

  45. Generic Name*

    Any tips on where to get rid of some jewelry? Some of it is more costume jewelry, but some pieces are silver, and some are mad with freshwater pearls. Is it worth it to try to take the silver/pearl items to a jewelry store or maybe a pawn shop? Or are the resale value for all of these items so low that I might as well put them in the donation box? I am not interested in selling them on eBay (way more work than I am interested in doing). Is there an option I’m missing?

    1. UKDancer*

      Take them to a reputable jewelry shop that is happy to sell second hand and vintage jewelry and ask them what they think the pieces are worth and if they’d buy them. You might not get very much for silver (gold I think fetches quite a lot at the moment). I’d go to a jewelry shop rather than a pawnshop because they are often more knowledgeable.

      When my aunt died and the family had to clear the house we took the bits of her jewelry we didn’t want (a lot of really ugly broaches) to a shop of this sort and they said what was worth taking and what they’d give us for it. We didn’t get a lot but it was something. There was one piece that they said was worth more and worth sending to an auction house so we did that.

      There were a few pieces they wouldn’t take because they had no value and we just took those to a charity shop.

    2. Evan88*

      Some jewelry stores will give you store credit if there was something you were thinking of getting.

      You could also checkout “dress for success.” It’s a nonprofit that helps low income women get clothes and accessories for work. A lot of the locations take jewelry. If you’re interested, just google and find their locations near you.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      If anything has true sentimental value, be aware that many buyers of second hand jewelry do so for the parts–melting down and repurposing the metal and gems. So if this is a ring set or necklace that’s been in the family for years on end and you can’t bear that thought, you may have to hang onto it.

      Otherwise, yes; ask at pawnshops, estate sale offices, jewelry buyers and as long as they’re reputable, I’d take what they offer you.

    4. Brevity*

      When I had to cope with my mother’s SIGNIFiCANT amount jewelry, which ranged from plastic beads on strings to real gemstones, I donated it all to my aunt’s church rummage sale. I like her church, they do genuinely good things with the money. I didn’t care enough about resale value, but rather just wanted it all done and dealt with. One of the better decisions I’ve made.

      So. many. strings of beads.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This may be more time and work that you’re up for, but when my mom died and I didn’t like most of her jewelry (we just had very different tastes), I gave it to her nieces, her friends’ kids, etc. as mementos of her. She had a bunch of figas (jewelry that protects against the evil eye) from Brazil, and I distributed these among people I thought my mom would like to protect.

  46. Writerling*

    Brain freeze language question: if you call your sibling’s kids niblings… what do you call your cousin’s kids?

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Second cousins once removed? “Once removed” because you are one generation different.
        Oh, but are you actually asking if there’s a neologism similar to ‘nibling” that covers this?
        Hm. I would be surprised. “Cousin” is already gender-non-specified, which seems like the main reason nibling became popular (to refer collectively to all nieces and nephews). It does echo nicely with “sibling.” The cute factor was just a bonus?
        Have you come up with a proposal to cover distant cousins? I can’t think of a group word that would function as a base, like sibling, except… cousin. lol.

          1. Clisby*

            Depends on which cousins you’re talking about.

            My first cousin’s children are my first cousins once removed.

            My second cousin’s children are my second cousins once removed.

            And so on.

    2. Just a name*

      I had nearly 40 cousins so I was lucky to remember any names at all. My dad was one of 9. I have cousins who are 20 years older. Mostly we ignored each other and hung out with the cousins of our own age. Second cousins were a blur.

    3. Derivative Poster*

      Technically your first cousin’s children are your first cousins once removed. They would be your children’s second cousins.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t think there’s a term really. Technically your first cousins’ children are your first cousins once removed.

      Assuming you sketch out a quick family tree:
      “Removed” is how many levels you have to go up the family tree to get from the lower level person to the higher level person, so one level from my cousin’s kid to me. Then the cousin number is one less than how many levels you have to go up from the higher level person to get to a shared relative, so 2 levels from me and my cousin to our shared grandparent, minus 1, is first cousins.

      My dad’s first cousin is my first cousin once removed, and my dad and her kid are also first cousins once removed. But her kid, on the same level of the family tree as me, is my second cousin – we have no removing, but our nearest shared relative is three generations up, our great-grandparent.

      (None of that is terribly germane to your question but a lot of people don’t know how it actually works :) )

      1. Writerling*

        Thanks for the rundown! Every time someone explains it to me I nod along, indeed it makes sense… and the next day, poof, cannot for the life of me make it make sense! Lol

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I had the same issue until I actually sat down and drew out four or five generations of my family tree (I think from my brother’s kids up to my great grandparents, so I had plenty to work with), and then being able to visually compare the explanation to the chart is what fully made it click. :)

    5. Double A*

      My cousins’ kids often call me “auntie” and I refer to them as my cousins. But I also refer to them as my kid’s cousins. Because we are cousins, it’s just varying degrees. So “cousin” is the short hard for all that.

      1. Writerling*

        I thought of that and it made me laugh which prompted the question! Seems like cousin(s) is the easiest way to go, I’ll use “kibling” if I want to start a debate? ;)

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Nibling (I’ve also seen it spelled “niebling”) = your siblings’ children, so you don’t have to say “nieces and nephews”.

    8. Just here for the scripts*

      I stay medieval and always say cousins for everyone who is cousin and who is progeny of cousins.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Just do teenaged-me a favor: if you have 13-year-old cousins hanging out together some summer, that’s who you want to tell the difference between first cousins and “third cousins twice removed”. It would have been nice to avoid the guilty feeling of having a crush on a cousin who was actually not even genetic relationship but in-law!

    9. Morning Reader*

      They are all cousins. Sometimes I might say “the younger cousins.” I have two cousins who are close in age, the daughters of my twin aunts, and sometimes they call themselves sister-cousins. More interesting question is what do they call you? When there’s a generational difference, it can be awkward to firstname older relatives. The last few years, I have been addressed as Aunt myfirstname, and it feels good! I’m not otherwise anyone’s aunt as my sibs didn’t have kids. It’s an old tradition; growing up we had an “Aunt Iris” who was technically my father’s first cousin but a generation older than him. I’m happy to finally be an auntie. So some people who are technically my first cousins once or twice removed (first cousins’ children or grandchildren) call me aunt. But I just either first name them or collectively “the kids” (usually the adult children of my generation, e.g. “when are the kids getting here?”) or “the littles” or specifying which family, e.g. John’s kids, if I mean the younger generation.

  47. Middle Name Jane*

    Is anyone into terrariums (for plants, not reptiles)? I took a class at a local garden center that has since closed, and I want to keep learning. I’m also not sure where to buy supplies.

    2. Generic Name*

      I’m interested in seeing the replies. I have a terrarium that is completely filled with inch plant. I need to find another home for the inch plant and put stuff in my terrarium that isn’t such a prolific grower.

  48. Worried Daughter*

    My Dad, who is nearing 80, lives alone in a rural part of a southern Rocky Mountain state and has asked for my advice looking for a way to get messages out to first responders in case of an emergency and his power goes out during a storm. He hasn’t found a company that will install an old fashioned copper landline and his cell phone reception is terrible at best, nonexistent most of the time. When his high-speed internet goes out so does his landline since that’s how it connects.

    Does anyone have any recommendations or advice for other methods of emergency contact such as a GPS alert system? Could a Personal Locator Beacon or Satellite Messaging system work if all he needs to do is get a first responder to his home? He has a fire station relatively close by at least that I believe can send a vehicle off a message can be delivered to them somehow. Thanks in advance to anyone who has input!

    1. Just a name*

      PLBs should work if set up properly. Or get a generator. Doesn’t have to be a whole house generator but it will keep his electronics powered. For us, that means electronics, water, refrigeration, and HVAC. If his internet connection is ok (despite power being out) he can use his devices. Often for us the power will go out but the cable internet lines will be ok. To be truthful I have a whole house generator and love it. But lower level generators will work. But at 80, it would probably be best if he didn’t have to do any connections to turn it on. Something that turns on automatically.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Wirecutter has a piece on best satellite emergency systems. Some of them are very rudimentary and not too expensive – just for SOS, basically. Also, I hear that newer versions of the iPhone have satellite capability.

    3. Kay*

      Garmin has some great devices depending on what you want your capability to be. You can set up a few preset messages which can be set up to email/text, plus you can send sat texts as well as an SOS emergency rescue if all else fails. I would get it from some place with easy returns as there are a few spots in the Rockies that can challenge even the Garmin/satellite service (though its usually slot canyon type spots). I have an inReach Explorer and the battery lasts forever, the plan is something like $15/mo for unlimited preset messages and a small amount of other texts – plus it has the maps, compass, etc.

      There are other cheaper smaller ones that are just an SOS button – so there are options out there.

      1. Angstrom*

        Agree. The Garmin InReach Messenger might be a good fit. I’ve used a Mini for a couple of years for solo outdoor stuff where there’s no cell service and it’s worked as intended.

    4. Indolent Libertine*

      Who is the telephone “carrier of last resort” for Colorado? His elected state representatives might be interested to know that they are refusing to provide a landline, and might be able to help.

      AT&T recently tried VERY hard to get out of that designation for California, but weren’t successful. As I understand it, they may not be required to install new copper landlines from this point forward, but they have to keep maintaining the existing ones; that’s what “carrier of last resort” means, at least here. Living as we do in earthquake and “Public Safety Power Shutoff” country, so far we’ve kept our true copper landline and one old-style corded phone for emergency reasons. The public comments on the AT&T application here were mostly from rural residents with no decent cell coverage demanding that they be able to keep their landlines. Emergency responders were also pretty much unanimously against it.

    5. Usually Lurking*

      New iPhone work off of Satellites, don’t they? I’ve done it when hiking and it seems like the perfect solution (even if he needs to buy a new iPhone to get the feature).

      Crossing fingers!

    6. SofiaDeo*

      We got a single Ecoflow solar unit for camping that now doubles as a backup generator. Eventually we’ll addt the extra batteries plus hook into the house system.

      Unless it’s an unusually shady part of the Rockies, this will provide enough power to keep Internet running, as well as recharge phones (and power a space heater or fans plus the fridge).

      First, I’d get a battery backup that the Internet modem connects to, so if it’s just “electric is down” for a bit the Internet may still work uninterrupted.

      I also got a “panic button” add-on to our monitored SimpliSafe system.

  49. Ismis*

    A friend of mine went to Ireland last year so I cannibalised an email I had sent to her. I don’t know Galway very well but am planning to go to the Aran Islands next year.

    General:

    The weather can be really changeable. My friend loved the Kerry Cliffs but didn’t see much of the Dingle Peninsula because it was wet and rainy. Bring wet weather gear, particularly in April! I would suggest that you hire a smaller car as some of the scenic roads can be very small and windy. The distances too might not look too bad on a map, but give yourselves plenty of time.

    There is a Wild Atlantic Way website that you might find useful for the Galway to Kerry sections.

    We have a lot of pubs in Ireland and a lot of them will offer really good pub food/carvery meals in a comfortable atmosphere, so do check them out for lunch. If you are interested in traditional music, there will usually be a pub that has some going on in the evening.

    Dublin city centre can be a bit rough so pay attention to reviews when booking hotels.

    Dublin:

    There are a few different hop on hop off buses – they seem to do the same route. There are also a lot of walking tours.

    I would suggest you try see the following. These are all walking distance from each other:
    – GPO on O’Connell Street. 1916 Rising site (check for bullet holes in the walls) and as Irish Teacher. said, apparently the museum is great. Moore St market is close by as well if you want to check it out – old school Dublin market for fruit and vegetables.
    – O’Carroll’s gift shop. There is a huge O’Carroll’s just south of O’Connell Bridge for all your Irish souvenir needs!
    – Temple Bar. This is a complete tourist trap, and awash with stag and hen nights at night, but might be worth a quick walk through during the day. Cobblestones and traditional looking Irish pubs – lots of photo opportunities.
    – Trinity College – Book of Kells & the Old Library.
    – Grafton Street – pedestrian shopping street. If you’re very lucky, you might see Bono busking! (It happened once…)
    – Dublin Castle & Chester Beatty Library. Do a tour or just have a wander around the grounds. There is a nice park behind the castle.
    – Lidl on Aungier Street. When they were building this supermarket, they discovered archeological remains below. You can see them as you pick up your snacks!
    – Christchurch Cathedral & Dublinia. Dublinia is a museum where they recreate some medieval and Viking history.

    Further afield – can get there on the tourist buses or public transport:
    – Kilmainham Gaol.
    – Collins Barracks – museum of decorative arts and history. As Irish Teacher. said too, there are a lot of other museums in Dublin – natural history, national history, and wax – pick your poison!
    – DART (Dublin area rapid transport). You can get the DART north to Howth or south to Dun Laoghaire if you want to check out some sea views on the way before having a walk and an ice cream.

    Galway -> Kerry:

    You can drive to Kerry via Doolin (small village known for trad music) and check out the Burren and Cliffs of Moher on the way.

    Killarney:

    Killarney is a tourist hotspot. It’s a small town, but very pretty. You will probably overpay on a lot of things here but if you’ve always wanted to take a trip in a jaunting car, this is the place to do it.

    Tralee:

    Tralee is the county town. There is a large town park if you want to check out the rose garden. If you want to see some churches, St John’s and the Dominicans are lovely. The Ashe Memorial Hall has a number of galleries and a medieval experience. Maria’s Wool Shop is online if you want to check it out – it’s a pretty little shop in town.

    Dingle Peninsula:

    To get to Dingle town (Daingen Ui Chuis in Irish), you can do the coast road or go over the Conor Pass. If you aren’t good with a steep cliff edge, take the coast road there and back. From Dingle, you can drive up to a viewing spot near the Conor Pass, take some photos and come back down!

    – Gallarus Oratory. Ancient church (over 1000 years old)
    – Dun Chaoin Pier. It’s on millions of postcards and every time you see it, you can say you were there!
    – Ballyferriter – Star Wars film location (though Skellig Michael on the Ring of Kerry would be more iconic).

    Ring of Kerry:

    The Ring of Kerry is apparently “the most frequently travelled tourist route in Ireland”. It used to be that buses ran anti-clockwise, so if you do it clockwise, you won’t be stuck behind them!

    – Skellig Michael. You can get boat tours around or to Skellig Michael, where you can see where monks lived in the 6th century. This is very steep and slippery so bring good shoes if you want to walk! If you don’t want to walk it, Also great for lots of bird life. The boats leave from Portmagee.
    – Kerry Cliffs. I haven’t been but I’ve heard that these are amazing.

    2. Blue Cactus*

      This is amazing, thank you so much! This will be my first trip out of North America so I’m very excited but a tad nervous – all this information was just what I needed.

      1. Ismis*

        You’re very welcome and I hope you have an amazing time!! Please come back and update us :)

        You might find this fun. Google “Irish accents explained” and the first video should be “Guide to Irish Accents”.

    3. Forensic13*

      The Book of Kells is probably in storage, so make sure to check! But the Trinity College tour is still pretty cool on its own.

  50. Aaaaaaaaa*

    I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and feel so much regret and sadness. I feel like the minute I left his house, I could see how I’ve sabotaged myself in this and every relationship I’ve ever been in by waiting too long to communicate needs. It was like a storm broke. I want to reach back out but I imagine the same doubts would resurface and it’d be cruel. I’m in so much pain, which I brought upon myself. I’ve been in therapy on and off; I have a couple calls scheduled with friends. Other advice for the foolish and broken-hearted?

    1. Rainy*

      Commit to therapy and really do the work. If you get back with him, the same thing is going to happen again. Really making a change is the only way to move on successfully–and it’s likely going to be with someone else.

      If you are really having that moment of clarity, use it to move forward into better patterns of thought and behaviour, rather than turning around and fleeing back to the illusory safety of the known. I know it’s hard and it sucks, but making good decisions for future!you is the only way forward. Eat ice cream, watch sappy romcoms (thank goodness it is the season of the Hallmark Christmas romcom), be sad, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be awesome.

      1. Aaaaaaaaa*

        Thank you so much, this has the ring of truth. I took a screenshot as a reminder for the coming weeks. The good advice I come to Ask A Manager for!

      2. Nicosloanica*

        As someone with similar problems in relationships, if you are in the mood to really dwell on this (you might not be – distraction is a perfectly fine break up technique!) this could be a moment to really get to the bottom of this behavior and maybe even root it out. Why does it seem impossible to raise your needs earlier? What are you afraid of happening that is worse than this? What is the negative script in your head you imagine when you raise a need and where did that script come from? I have to work hard to picture calmly raising a need and having the other person be receptive or, even if they’re initially a little grumpy about it, us working through it and getting my need met without a massive breach. I tend to catastrophize.

        1. Aaaaaaaaa*

          Thank you for your prompts :) I am always in the mood to dwell! It seems impossible to raise my needs earlier because the needs seem like not a big enough deal or like they’re asking another person to change for me. I think this comes from gender socialization, growing up in a chaotic family where being “easy” and having few needs meant safety and love. The sad truth is that what I am experiencing now (regret over not trying, heartbreak) is the worst thing that could realistically happen.

      3. Pickles*

        Pick a break up soundtrack and listen over and over. Cry a lot. Talk to friends. Have some ice cream. Don’t feel like you need to be friends with him. Sleeping with him won’t help, forgive yourself if you do.

        Hugs, you will get through it. It takes a while. Sounds like he’s not the perfect match for you.

        Orthodox New Years is January 14. You have until then to be sad. Pick yourself up on that new years get ready for a glow up by Chinese New Years.

        I’ve been married a while so my last breakup was a long time ago and my soundtrack recommendations will age me. I broke a cassette tape listening to Foolish Games by Jewel and Sarah McLachlan.

        1. Aaaaaaaaa*

          I like these concrete steps, thank you <3 As someone who has been on the on-again off-again relationship circuit a few times, I appreciate your advice "Sleeping with him won’t help, forgive yourself if you do" too hah!

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        While you are going through the painful part, you might like the book called *It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken* — it has a lot of practical advice on dealing with the hurt without going running back to a relationship that wasn’t working.

    2. Brevity*

      Bravery rarely provides comfort. So BE NICE to yourself right now. Trust your reasons for breaking up and seeking therapy. This too shall pass.

      1. Aaaaaaaaa*

        “Bravery rarely provides comfort” oof! I have resolved to make a collage with quotes on breaking up and this one is going on it :)

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      It sounds like you may have fallen into the trap a lot of people do when dating; you view the earlier stages too much as you auditioning for the part of “his chosen partner,” and not nearly enough as “here’s where I figure out if this person is the right one for me.” When we’re trying to “win” the “part,” a lot of us – especially those who identify as women, but not only those – twist ourselves into pretzels to be “cool” and “chill” and “easygoing,” and none of that is compatible with expressing legitimate needs and expecting the other person to show some interest in meeting them. The right person for you will expect you to have needs and share them!

      1. Aaaaaaaaa*

        Auditioning is absolutely a big part of what happened. Thank you (and others who commented here) so much for the observations. What you wrote makes me feel less alone and less of an individual failure and generally held <3

        1. Rainy*

          If anyone should be auditioning it’s the person you’re dating, to be part of your awesome life. :)

          I will also say this: my husband was raised by a mother who does the passive-aggressive pseudo-martyr BS, and my read of his longest-term partner before me is that she really wanted him to read her mind, and the first time I said to him “this is what I need from you right now” he did it and then he thanked me for just communicating instead of hinting or expecting him to know without being told.

          Clear communication is a kindness to everyone involved. Someone who doesn’t like that is more interested in playing games than knowing what you need and want or letting you know what they need and want. And game-players are tedious and annoying and don’t deserve to be part of your life.

          1. Aaaaaaaaa*

            Called out by the passive-aggressive pseudo-martyr BS and mind reading, ha :) Committing to more clear-communication-as-kindness in the new year!

    4. Not A Manager*

      “I could see how I’ve sabotaged myself in this and every relationship I’ve ever been in by waiting too long to communicate needs.”

      You know yourself and your patterns best, of course. And t h e r a p y can be helpful, certainly. But leave some room for the idea that you might be communicating some needs some of the time, at least, and maybe your partners aren’t willing or able to hear you. It’s easy to get gaslit by a partner (I didn’t know that was what you meant, why didn’t you use these special magic words?) or by yourself, to think that all the communication breakdown came because of you not adequately explaining yourself.

      That can lead to the kind of regret that you’re describing. You have the fantasy that if you’d only said it sooner, or said it better, or said it louder, then this person would have heard you and given you what you needed. But that’s a leap. It’s possible for you to be loud and clear and still not be heard, and it’s possible to be heard and still not acknowledged.

      1. Observer*

        You have an extremely important point. But in that case, therapy makes a lot of sense. Because either way, they are dealing with a pattern and part of their pattern is their own behavior. Either they are not communicating well or timely enough, or they *are* but it’s falling on deaf (willfully or not). And that indicates that they may not be making the best choices or are not paying enough attention to the early signs of a partner who is unwilling to actually *be* a partner rather than a taker.

        This is not to lay blame on @Aaaaaaaaa, or to say that these issues are their “fault”. But figuring out questions like “How do I spot the early signs that this relationship is not good for me?” or “How do I spot red or even orange flags in people I might be interested in?” can be very useful.

      2. Aaaaaaaaa*

        Thanks for your comment! I have definitely been in relationships in the past where my partners (generally good people, just unable to break free of a lot of that male socialization) were unable to hear me when I did communicate needs.

        The absolute tragedy of this recently ended relationship is that I really think he would have listened and changed–he is the sweetest man and even in the ending conversation he was trying to ask what he could do–I just didn’t feel able to name the things and pushed towards breaking up. Maybe the things I might have mentioned if I had the words (ex: sometimes I find myself irritated when you talk about your interests at length and I would love for you to ask more questions about me or for us to find more shared activities, I feel scared about future division of labor when I see your messy bathroom because of past experiences in partnership, etc) would have helped clear some of my building resentment, maybe they would have just been hurtful and counterproductive, but it’s the not knowing and the not trying *at all* that makes it extra hard. Regardless, I can see how this is a fantasy created out of grief and a longing to not be in this pain…

    5. Generic Name*

      Reading all the replies is very interesting. I think all of the advice is very good. I think therapy would help, but you could also do some reflecting in your own. It sounds like a couple things could be going on. You could indeed not be able to express your needs so you end up with men who are good guys but are incompatible for you OR maybe the people you’ve been in relationships with don’t want to meet any needs they find inconvenient so they blame you for not expressing a need in the “right way”. Thinking back on how past partners have reacted to you when you’ve expressed a need or a desire could be helpful in identifying what the issue is. Were they understanding and kind but weren’t able to meet them or did they react badly and try to blame you or treat you badly (by not talking to you or withholding affection)?

      1. Not A Manager*

        Yes, this is a good point. People can train us not to ask for what we need, even if we start out able to do that, by punishing us when we do.

      2. Loved this*

        Something I read a while back really stuck with me, and it’s applicable in so many situations: If someone wants to understand you, it doesn’t matter how you say it. If someone doesn’t want to understand you, it doesn’t matter how you say it.

      3. Aaaaaaaaa*

        I agree the advice is very good, including your own :) I think it’s been a mix. I’ve had partners respond:
        1) with a kind of malicious compliance (ex: go to therapy but stick with a hack of a therapist, not just cut down on drinking but stop altogether, get a job and grind out many hours in a difficult work environment). My entreaties to take on more of the household labor got a lot of pushback, although after they came out as trans I can see why my gendered argument fell flat :P and we had good conversations about how they realized how my needs were valid after I left.
        2) with a little defensiveness, out of hurt which I get, and I didn’t stick around to work through it
        3) reacted very nicely but broke up with me because my asking for reassurance made them realize they did not love me (frankly a relief for me)

        There’s no way of knowing now, but I do believe the man I just left would have responded well and really tried to meet my needs, based on everything I know about him and the little things I asked for during our time together.

      4. Aaaaaaaaa*

        Not sure what happened to my previous comment here, so typing again! Thanks for your advice which is also very good :) I think I have experienced a mix of responses–though generally good guys who had some understandable defensiveness or sparks of malicious compliance, plus plenty of times when small needs were met but not as memorable. I appreciate the reminders that sometimes these things are hard (naming needs) because the world trains us otherwise. The saddest thing is I believe the man I just left would have been the most understanding and kind, which is unfortunately so rare!

    6. Not A Manager*

      Well, look, if he’s such a great guy, why don’t you sleep on this for a few days, and if you feel the same way, reach back out to him. Tell him that you see that you had a part in this by not being able to express your needs to him in a timely way, and ask him if you can move slowly back toward a relationship. Maybe you could attend t h e r a p y together so you can have a safe space to learn to communicate with each other.

  51. Mary Quite Contrary*

    I just moved into my first house. I have all hardwood floors- does anyone have any recommendations on vacuums? Also, I am looking for sectional couches. Any recommendations on stores or where to find something nice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

    1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I have a Dyson canister vacuum that works great on hardwood floors. If it’s too pricey, I would recommend a different brand canister – they are better for hard floors than uprights.

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      Ditto on canister for hard floors. We have, and very much like, a Miele. If you’ll have area rugs, get one that has a powered head for carpeting in addition to the hard floor one; e went cheaper and I’ve regretted that.

      1. Miele too*

        I love my Miele, too! It’s so lightweight and easy to maneuver, with powerful suction, and it’s surprisingly quiet. It also has a true HEPA filter option. Personally, I also like that it uses tidy bags vs. having to dump out a messy collection bin.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I think Alison has said she has a Lovesac sectional that she likes, but they are a bit spendy. I have had good luck ordering reasonably-priced furniture from Macy’s. Maybe also look at IKEA? If you’re going to do some googling, use the search term, “modular,” as well as “sectional.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        IKEA is not great for sofas – their nice looking comfy ones are way overpriced for IKEA-quality furniture, and the reasonably priced ones are glorified park benches, in my experience. (And I say that as someone who lives in the house IKEA built, heh. I love the square aesthetic… just not to sit on :) )

        We had until recently a place called Weekends Only, where they were able to keep their prices lower on nice furniture by only being open Fri-Sun (which is I guess when they were finding that the majority of their customers were shopping) – they moved and I’m not sure where they are now, but it’s a chain I think so it might be worth looking into finding a place like that?

    4. office hobbit*

      I have a Shark corded stick vac that works nicely for my (low) standards on my hard floors. It routinely goes on sale.

      1. Travel for Life*

        I have a Shark robot vacuum and I love it for my hardwood floors! It sweeps up all the dust perfectly along with kitchen crumbs etc. I also have a Dyson stick vacuum for spot clean ups if I don’t want the robot one to do its whole floor thing.

  52. Forrest Rhodes*

    I’m probably too late to get many responses here, but: In last week’s “kindness” posts from Nosmo King and others, somebody used the term “mooring gubbins.” I really liked that, and it started me thinking about the words we use when a thing’s specific name doesn’t come to mind.

    My family has always used:
    thingamajig,
    gizmo,
    whatsit,
    who-zee-what,
    whatchamacallit and doodad (from Smurfette), and
    frammis, among others.

    Firefighter (metaphorical) mentioned doovelackey (one that I started using immediately).

    Words like this are so much fun. Anybody have any other great terms we should add to our vocabularies? Thanks for your contributions!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When my husband and I are working on a house project, I can get away with calling everything “the doohickey” – but he turfs me out when I start asking if he’s tried reversing the polarity yet. :)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Nerd household here. :)

          I have also reported certain issues to him as “the Autobots don’t aren’t putting out enough energon to overthrow the Decepticons.” The face he makes will never fail to crack me up.

    2. Maryn*

      Ahh, the familect, words known and used only by one’s family or other small identifiable group.

      Ours includes:
      blowfish, anyone who behaves in a foolish manner, predates Hootie
      dikdook, a flashy item of apparel designed to call favorable attention (from a book)
      Disney on Ice, any performance someone doesn’t want to attend
      impenguinate, any long verb the speaker is groping for but can’t find

      I’m sure we use dozens more, but it’s hard to think of them off the cuff.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        “familect”—a perfect term! Also, “impenguinate” is great.

        Also, my dad used to call me “insegrevious”; it became a well-used familect. I was in my late teens before I realized Dad had stolen it from early Tonight show host Steve Allen—who apparently just made it up!

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      Frammis–you are only the second person I’ve heard use this term. The first grew up in Florida and went to college in Boston. Is this a regional term?

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Total Westerner here, Woodswoman; never been to Boston and my only visits to Florida were long enough to change planes in Miami as I headed farther south. I heard frammis from musicians I knew in the ’60s and ’70s, who used it to refer to their guitars.

    6. Rara Avis*

      Anyone familiar with “sidehill dingmore” or is that my family only? (Like a cow on a hill that always walks around in the same direction so the legs on the uphill side are shorter.)

    8. Bike Walk Barb*

      Variants on a couple of yours:
      – thingamabob
      – who-zee-what-zee, to follow your phonetic spelling, although in my head it’s spelled whosiewhatsie for some reason.

      I’m also another vote for doohickey.

      My husband’s contribution:
      – thingamajobber

    9. EvilQueenRegina*

      My family always used to call the TV remote the “long-thing-black-thing”. I’m not sure why it took me as long as it did to question it considering the TV remote we had when I was growing up was more of a short-thing-grey-thing.

      If we don’t know exactly when something from ages ago happened, it’s “19oatcake” – my grandad came up with that in his youth after hearing people refer to, say, 1901 as 19-ought-1, and he just started calling it 19oatcake.

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