weekend open thread – December 7-8, 2024

by Alison Green on December 6, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: All Fours, by Miranda July. What to say about this book! It’s about marriage and parenthood and sex and perimenopause and obsession and trauma and aging and understanding yourself and being female. It’s intense and uncomfortable and I couldn’t put it down. And I know that tells you nothing, but saying that it’s about an artist who sets out to drive across country when life takes a detour wouldn’t come close to touching what it really is.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Morning Dew*

    In the spirit of update month for work questions answered by Alison, can we have one for Weekend Open Thread where questions were asked and opinions were given by fellow commenters?

    I’m reading Michelle Singletary’s (Washington Post) series called Scammed at the moment. Then I was reminded of the poster who was scammed by an acquaintance and debating whether to report or not (and scammer’s family asking the poster not to report).

    Do you have updates to share if you posted a question on Weekend Open Threads?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A few years ago, I asked for input on the keeping of giant dogs because I was considering getting one. My woofapotamus Abigail (a 115 pound Great Dane; she is small for a lady Dane so we call her the Daintiest Woofapotamus) will be three in February. I did take the advice on training – she still goes to daycare with her trainer at least once a month. She does in fact eat me out of house and home, and her waste is in fact prodigious (god bless the scooping service), but she almost never counter-surfs! (Though she did break the inner pane of my front house window parkouring around my living room earlier this year.) She is (touch wood) mostly out of her velociraptor days and pretty solidly couch potato, but I sometimes wish she was more of a lap pony. As it is she really likes her space and is a leaner, but not exactly a cuddler.

      And she flees and hides behind the dining room table from the 4 pound kitten.

      1. RLC*

        Honestly the image of a Great Dane fleeing from a tiny kitten is adorable! When I was a kid we had a Keeshond (Bo) who was so terrified of our Siamese that he would not make eye contact with the cat. As in do a full “eyes right” if he expected the cat to be on his left. For the next 40+ years my parents referred to anyone who tried to avoid a scary encounter through looking away as “doing a Bo”.

      2. PDB*

        My first ex-wife had a Great Dane. Used to sleep on the bed with us. Of course, I had a big greyhound so it worked out. Oh, he slept with us too.

    2. Jackalope*

      Here’s a small one (I may have something bigger later if I think of it). A few years ago I asked about scentfree soap options since my then-new spouse was allergic to so many scents. I didn’t get any of the specific products recommended here, but one person referred me to a product at a specific store, and another product from that store did the trick. So it was kind of a roundabout way of getting there, but youall helped me in the end!

      1. RedinSC*

        Products I like

        Dove Sensitive scent free for soap

        Earth Breeze fragrance free laundry soap sheets

      2. Tea & Sympathy*

        I’m so grateful to the person on this site who recommended Fomin unscented soap sheets. They come in a small cardboard container and are light and easy to carry around in your purse. So now I can wash my hands when I’m out and about instead of always having to use hand sanitizer.

    3. anon24*

      I posted maybe 2ish months ago about my cat who wouldn’t use the litter box and was peeing everywhere and it was stressing me out to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore because I work long hours and the last thing I need is to come home after a 16 hour shift and scrub urine out of my carpet again. I had taken my cat to an emergency vet the weekend I posted after some commenters (and myself) thought that cat might have worked himself into an urgent medical issue, got the all clear for crystals or a UTI, and was waiting to follow up with a new vet.

      Happy to say that the new vet is great. I don’t want to jinx myself, but my cat started on Prozac and has used the litter box since. He’s back to his normal happy tail-wagging trotting around the apartment purr-ball self. She also helped with some diet and food aggression issues for my girl cat, which unexpectedly made my boy stop the bullying behavior that I was also dealing with. So overall, my entire household (which is just me and the kitties) is much happier and peaceful. I came home from work last night to find both kitties snuggling together in bed, happy as could be, where as before they avoided being in the same room as each other.

      I’m on a very tight budget, but I figured if I was spending all this money I may as well completely deal with the issue, so I got a small spot carpet cleaner and was able to get 98% of the urine smell out of the rug with a few cleanings. Then I bought a plastic floor piece that you would put over a rug to use with an office chair and put that over top the spot I couldn’t get the smell completely out of, so it blocks the scent. I no longer feel like my home reeks of cat urine and I’m hoping he can’t smell it either and so won’t ever feel the need to go back and urinate in that spot. Hopefully that awful period is behind us for good!

      4. Susan*

        I’m so glad. I was worried about you. I thought about you and your kitty every day and sent you love vibes. Yippee!!!

      7. Artemesia*

        Having tried all the products a few years ago with an aging cat, Anti Ickypoo really does get the odor out of carpet and furniture — I had to soak cushions on our new couch several time but eventually it worked. Nothing else did. They all added perfume but not much else — perfumed stale cat pee — not that swell.

        We had a brand new very expensive guest room couch/bed and the pet cover we thought was waterproof was not and so a lot of cat pee got on the couch before we realized the cat was no longer litter box reliable.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Shout out to whoever asked how to take quicker showers!

      It was before I started commenting but every day now I’ve been using the advice to dry off with a washcloth in the actual shower first – absolute gamechanger for cold weather! Thanks from both me and my water bill :)

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        Wait can you say more? I’ve been just bringing the whole big towel into the shower after I turn the water off (so I dry off before getting out) so I’m intrigued by a washcloth idea.

        1. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

          I also dry off with a washcloth before getting out and I could not ever go back to stepping out of the shower dripping wet! I HATE the sensation of being wet, and of air on wet skin, and *especially* of fabric against wet skin (it’s literally revolting. Words can’t describe how viscerally uncomfortable it makes me). So for me step one after turning off the water is to hand-squeegee myself off, and after that I grab the fresh washcloth I always keep hanging beside my towel and dry myself as thoroughly as I can with that. I give my hair (it’s fairly short) a pass with the washcloth too to prevent dripping. Because it’s such a small piece of cloth, it doesn’t trigger my sensory issues the way a towel does, and then by the time I actually leave the warm cozy shower I’m 80% dry and thus getting out into the cold air is much less dreadful. I only use my towel to finish drying off whatever I missed with the washcloth. Highly recommend.

        2. Six Feldspar*

          For me it was a real struggle to get out of a hot shower in winter, even with the heater on. I took long showers in winter because I couldn’t deal with getting colder again before getting dressed, even for a few minutes!

          For about a year now I’ve been doing as suggested by the comments and keeping a stack of washcloths hanging off the shower wall to dry off *in* the shower before I step out of it. I’m not aiming for fully dry but to get most of the water off me while I’m still in the warmer air of the shower. Then I can get out and into the big towel and finish drying faster.

        3. Artemesia*

          I always dry with the towel in the shower before stepping out. Also have a small space heater on the counter in my bathroom in cold weather since there is no real heat in that room.

      2. Cats and Gross Meds*

        Ha! That was me. I still fail to take quick showers, though now I have a clock in there so I can scientifically tell that washing my face is the culprit. …though as I type that I realize I could soap up my face at the sink and just leave rinsing for the shower. Maybe I’ll solve it yet!

        The washcloth/drying off before exiting trick saves my life every day!

    5. Bethlam*

      One year ago this week, I posted that I had been diagnosed with cancer and asked for advice on what I needed to do prior to starting treatment. I knew I wanted to do some batch cooking, but I was so overwhelmed with my diagnosis that I literally couldn’t think of another thing I should be thinking of.

      Well, I came to the right place. Not only did I get great suggestions about preparations I could make in advance, I also got so, so much advice on how to get through the whole ordeal, from appetite issues to hair loss to dry skin to the pain and fatigue, and the boredom. I am so grateful to all of the kind souls here who shared their experiences and recommendations.

      My cancer (double hit non-Hodgkins lymphoma) is rare, aggressive, challenging to treat, and has an 80% recurrence rate in the first year. So, although I am considered in remission (clear scans so far, yay!), I have a ways to go before I can reliably say I’m cancer-free. Mine was caught early, so I’m very optimistic about a positive outcome.

      I don’t have quite all of my energy back, but they said it would take almost a full year after my final treatment (mid-April) before I really felt back to my old self, and it’s better week by week. And, drum roll please: I have hair! And it’s curly! Having had poker straight hair my whole life, this is quite a novelty. It’s coming in slowly, but after being bald for seven months, I’m just thrilled to have hair.

      So a happy update and, again, thank you to all who provided advice and ideas for coping, as well as for the encouragement, support, and well-wishes I received. This is truly an awesome community.

      1. BellaStella*

        Congrats on your good health, curly hair, optimism, and stamina increasing each week! Well done and may you be cured soon in full and realise it was just a bump in the road!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        So glad you’re feeling better right now and enjoying your pretty new curls!

      4. PhyllisB*

        This sounds crazy, but it works. Get a towel sopping wet, wring it out then swirl in the air like you’re throwing a rope over a steer. This works better right when the smoke occurs, but might still work later. it’s better if you have a couple of people in different areas doing it. If that doesn’t do it try boiling some cinnamon sticks or orange peels or water with vanilla extract.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Sorry for the double/misplaced post. I was trying to clear the screen and bumped submit somehow.

      5. PhyllisB*

        So glad you’re doing better!! My husband had Hodgkins and has been in remission for 23 years. I wish the same for you.

    6. Part time lab tech*

      I’ve posted a couple but the one most recently was in September after minor health emergency. Someone said that it was a good outcome even if the surgery was essentially unnecessary because I now had an accurate diagnosis and I recovered well. I also got into the public system earlier than I might have done otherwise (although I have private health care anyway)
      The pain that sent me into emergency turned out to be an imflammatory flare which I have little control over and just have to manage. I have an appointment next week to decide what to do about the incendentaloma that might be giving me no symptoms and still probably better to operate on.

    7. Old Plant Woman*

      I asked for ideas about catching a stray cat who desperately needed vet care. He is now living in a spare room, recovering from surgery and loves to be petted. Yes I’m going to keep him.

    8. Dr. Doll*

      Sad update. I asked for ideas how to talk to and support a friend in terminal illness. He died in the last day. I hope it’s true what Barbara Kingsolver wrote, that a friend who isn’t perfect but is there is way better than a friend who keeps away from fear of not doing it right.

    9. Really Named Jane*

      A few months ago, I posted about my friend Patti and how I was struggling to deal with her trauma dumping on me, the guilt I was feeling for wanting to cut ties, etc. A few days after that post, I just couldn’t take it anymore. After more trauma dump texts, I texted back and said that I cared about her but couldn’t be there for her in the way she wanted. And that was it. I let go and went no contact. I wonder occasionally about her wellbeing, but I’m no longer trapped in her emotional drama. She has to fix her own life. I can’t do it for her, and she had rejected my suggestions anyway. Thank you to everyone who helped me see I wasn’t a bad person for needing to get out of this.

    10. AnonForUpdate*

      In Spring 2023, I posted about a situation at my church. At the beginning of the year, the pastor was supposed to get a modest raise. Instead, (somehow) her pay was increased about 40%. And neither she, nor our treasurer noticed that her pay was way off. This caused a major disruption at our small, poorly funded church.

      In the comments, many people responded that there was no way a person could be that bad at math and that something else was going on. However, it appears that she is just that bad at math. She was unable to return the overpayment because she used the excess funds to pay off some debts. We resolved it by reducing her pay over 12 months until it the excess amount was returned.

      To address finance issues, we formed a finance committee although not much has really improved in the church. We have the same elderly treasurer and the same pastor. I am able to personally deal with the situation by no longer being on either the board or the finance committee and by learning to let go of things out of my control.

    11. choudunord*

      Not a question I posed, and I don’t remember the original comment/question, but someone or multiple someones recommended the Tody app for managing housekeeping tasks. I started using it (free version) months (maybe over a year?) ago and am happy to report that it’s helpful. I’m still not on top of all the things housekeeping, and I still don’t love the endless, relentless nature of housekeeping, but I do a bit more, a bit more frequently, in a slightly more organized fashion, with a bit less grumping about it all.

      Thank you to all of you, for all your various questions, comments, ideas and recommendations. I rarely comment but frequently read and appreciate all of you who share and all the new ideas, diversity, education and enjoyment you add to my life.

      1. Deedee*

        Me too! I also got the Tody app after seeing it recommended in the weekend threads. It works great for me.

    12. Turtle Dove*

      I posted about four years ago to ask for help with my mom’s estate a few weeks after she died. I was sad, exhausted, and overwhelmed. My brother was being difficult, and my mom had shown favoritism in the gifts she left some but not others. There was also a lot to divide financially, even though everything was in a trust.

      The AAM readers who replied to my post were kind and helpful, especially with practical suggestions like hiring an estate-sale company as we cleared out my mom’s apartment.

      I was surprised how things turned out. My brother kept grousing at me for being slow (nope! big learning curve, and our accountant and estate lawyer assured me it normally took months or even years to divide assets). I didn’t think our relationship would recover. My sister immediately noped out as co-executor and left dividing the financial assets to me. Even though I was transparent in weekly conference calls, and even though all three of us got exactly the same payout, she became mean and distant. It felt like a replay of our childhood, when we didn’t get along. Our close friendship unraveled within six months. She and I text sometimes but are like acquaintances. However, my brother and I are closer than ever. We never discussed our feelings about the estate; we just moved past them to enjoy each other.

      I know others have experienced this too: Sibling relationships can shift a lot after a parent dies. They can even disintegrate. I didn’t realize our mom was the glue until she was gone. I’m glad my brother and I are close, and maybe my sister and I can be one day.

      1. M H*

        I’m glad things worked out. My sisters and I have been somewhat distant and dismissive of my brother for years, not feeling like he’s helped out enough with my parent’s care. But my 95 year old dad is living with him now and my brother has said he will care for him for life! We also visit and stay with him to help out, and his wife is an angel. All is forgiven with him, because he stepped up. I never thought he would change, but he did, hope things improve with your sister. I commend you for not feeling like you and your brother have to agree and “fix” everything. Sometimes it’s best to say, we just won’t agree on this and move on. Not everything has to be hashed out.

        1. Turtle Dove*

          Thanks, M H, for your kind words and for sharing your story. It’s gives me hope to hear such a positive outcome.

          I like the way you put it: “Not everything needs to be hashed out.” I’ve come to see the wisdom in that.

    13. office hobbit*

      Whoever mentioned getting a countertop dishwasher that runs out of a reservoir — I got one, and it has changed my life!

      Separately, many years ago, someone mentioned how they talk to their cat with specific phrases for things that are of interest to cats (food time, brushing time, I’m getting up but I’ll be back in a second, etc). I started doing that with my cat and have continued this whole time, and think it’s been fantastic for our relationship. I’m grateful for that comment every day!

  3. Eggnog help*

    Does the AAM community have advice on what non alcoholic additive for eggnog? I like eggnog but it’s too thick by itself. It needs the alcohol to be palatable but I don’t drink. Milk isn’t the right fit. Any ideas?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I know people who add it to 7up but that sounds gross to me.
      I’ve used it like creamer in coffee and cocoa.

    4. Silent E*

      You might want to try classic eggnog instead of old fashioned eggnog. Classic eggnog has less fat in it, so it’s not as thick. Darigold sells both types. That might help. I also find some brands are thicker than others.
      Otherwise, the internet suggests shaking it with ice or adding heavy cream (?), egg whites, or a nondairy topping to thin it a bit.

    6. Insubordinate Clause*

      It sounds a bit bizarre, but I love adding eggnog to root beer. Tastes like a delightful root beer float.

    7. Not your typical admin*

      My 18 year old son says that the PET brand of eggnog is the best that he’s found. He’ll go through 2-3 containers a week during the season.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Sorry I can’t help with your question – though most of the eggnog I’ve had in my life has been non-alcoholic, as it’s what was served in the family when I was a kid. Probably the local supermarket brand, but the details are lost in the mists of time.

      But: just now, Tasting History’s Max Miller posted a short video on his YouTube channel about “the great eggnog riot at West Point Military Academy” from 1826. To accompany this, he made eggnog from a very boozy 19th-century recipe – but he used aquafaba instead of egg whites (he’s allergic to uncooked egg whites) and the beverage turned out very well. I found both the history and the recipe intriguing.

      1. JustEm*

        I have a relative severely allergic to eggs, and one year my husband made boozy “egg”nog with aquafaba so the relative could try it for the first time in his life. It was a hit!

    9. ReallyBadPerson*

      A friend of mine uses ginger ale to dilute it and it is delicious. Spicy ginger ale works best.

      1. Jay*

        Try Jamaican ginger beer, especially something like Old Tyme or Goya. They have lots of interesting flavors and even more spice.

      2. Don’t make me come over there*

        Oooh, I’m intrigued by this! I sometimes add tequila to eggnog because I like the spicier profile; I would probably like it with ginger.

    11. Cookie Monster*

      Even if you’re not dairy-free you might want to try almond milk eggnog. Almond milk isn’t as thick as cream so the eggnog isn’t as thick, either.

      Or, now that I think about it, trying thinning out regular eggnog with almond milk…?

      1. Pine Tree*

        I recently bought some Chobani Oat Nog and it is delicious! Not as thick as regular dairy egg nog and I like the spice/sweet level. Yum!

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I’ve heard that Montain Dew was originally formulated to mix with whiskey, so this makes sense.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I’m still on the side of Peggy in Mad Men, who said of Mountain Dew plus booze: “That’s not a drink, it’s an emergency.”

          1. Goldfeesh*

            Mountain Dew with peach schnapps is still the best though. I want to shout out Taco Bell for giving me the idea with their Mountain Dew Lightning/Baja Lightning (I don’t know what the heck they call it).

    13. PhyllisB*

      This won’t thin it out, (I see plenty of suggestions for that already) but if you like the taste, you can add bit of rum flavoring to it. Or if you can find it, brandy flavoring.

    14. Workerbee*

      Coconut milk eggnog is super creamy and not as thick as regular eggnog. I never need to add anything to it.

    15. Artemesia*

      we dilute with milk but if that isn’t what works for you, try plain selzer and see if that works.

    17. EngineerRN*

      I don’t drink alcohol much at all, but I love eggnog!

      I usually mix it 1:1 in coffee, warm it up (warming it makes it thinner), or just add milk plus more spices & vanilla.

      You can also look for:
      Rum flavoring (it’s like vanilla – the flavor but minimal alcohol)
      Non-alcoholic rum
      Spiced tea (like others have mentioned, chai-type teas & tisanes work well)

    18. EngineerRN*

      Also: making your own eggnog isn’t particularly difficult, and turn you can tweak the spices, flavorings, and milk/cream to your tastes.

  4. Charlotte Lucas*

    Favorite holiday episode of a TV show? (Any holiday.)

    (Semi) recent: The Librarians and Santa’s Midnight Run (The Librarians). Bruce Campbell plays Santa.

    Classic: Turkey Drop (WKRP in Cincinnati).

    1. Mostly Managing*

      The Halloween episodes of Brooklyn 99 (there’s one more or less every season)
      the Christmas episode of Corner Gas (Lacy has a terrible time, but it still makes me smile)

    2. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      The best final line in a sitcom, ever!

      “As god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

      Thanksgiving food fight episode on Cheers is a close second.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      Not fictional, but I love that Seth Meyers brings his parents and brother on the show every Thanksgiving, and they show a video of his kids in turkey costumes.

    4. Weekend Warrior*

      Christmas episodes of the Detectorists and also Mackenzie Crooks’ new version of Worzel Gummidge, shown at Christmas.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I love the British dedication to Christmas episodes. Especially if a mystery and/or ghost story is involved.

    5. TriviaJunkie*

      for me, it’s the episode of Big Bang Theory where Leonard hosts a Christmas-themed DND session. Raj dies immediately and ends up out on girl’s night, and Leonard goes so hard trying to make up for lousy childhood Christmases that they legit end up being a bell choir at one point. Something about that episode is just so on point for the festive season.

      1. Love me, love my cat*

        My favorite TBBT episode is the one where Penny gifts Sheldon a napkin that Leonard Nimoy used when he came into the Cheesecake Factory. So many great moments in that one!

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, good question! For MST3K one among my favorites is Gunslinger. The guys figure out that they’re shooting in a hotel hallway (while pretending it’s inside a room) and just go to town with it–Tom’s slurring “Come out!” when someone knocks on the door kills me every time.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Whoops, that wasn’t a holiday one! Hmmm…on a similar note I adore Rifftrax’s Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny live show!

    8. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Bruce Campbell is great in that <3
      I'm in a Librarians rewatch, such a delightful show!

      I also nominate the stop-motion one from Community and Carol of the Bells from Ted Lasso.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Also the Christmas fight scene in one of the other Community episodes!

        “Please, it’s Christmas!”
        “It’s December 10th!”

    9. Middle Aged Lady*

      Veep, “Camp David.” A Thanksgiving episode that shows all the dysfunction of Selena’s family and includes a guest appearance by Sally Philips as Minna Hakkinen. Warning: the show is extremely vulgar.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      Halloween – Buffy when they all turn into their costumes

      Christmas – Bones when they quarantine at the lab and make gifts for each other

      1. Anon Poster*

        I love that episode of Bones. I don’t watch it every year, but it does get a rewatch every few Christmases.

      2. Dancing with Penguins*

        Aww, I love the Buffy Thanksgiving episode, and just realized I forgot to watch it this year!

    11. Six Feldspar*

      Tuesday the Seventeenth (Psych)
      The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas (X Files)
      The Rashomon Job (Leverage)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Shout out to The Ho Ho Ho Job on Leverage, which Parker explains they must take because it’s Santa.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I’ve started watching it every Christmas once I’m home from all the festivities/etc – it’s a nice wind down after the big events!

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m quite fond of the Scrubs 12 Days of Christmas song. Can’t say I remember much more about the episode as I watched it ages ago, but I remember the song every year as the festive period approaches.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      I loved the Ted Lasso Christmas special. It captures the quiet side of the season well.

    15. Chaordic One*

      I’ve really enjoyed the special Christmas episodes of the latest version of “All Creatures Great and Small.” Such a cozy, feel-good show. The 2021 episode where everyone changes their plans to visit Mrs. Pumphrey on Christmas gave me the feels. Then they outdid themselves with the 2022 episode where the Farnon household played host to a child refugee fleeing World War II. (I should have seen how the situation would play out coming, but it was still so sad and hilarious at the same time.)

    16. Grits McGee*

      I think the Thanksgiving episodes of Bob’s Burgers are some of their best, but my absolute favorite is “Turkey in a Can”. It’s so dense with recurring jokes- Bob’s conversations with the turkey(s), the building romance with the meat counter guy, the literal potty humor… it’s the perfect balance of silly and sentimental that characterizes the show.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And realizing it’s because he really doesn’t want Tina to grow up so fast is genuinely sweet.

    17. Anon Poster*

      I just re-watched the Christmas episode of Schitt’s Creek. The scene where they release the tree kills me every time.

    18. shaw of dorset*

      I love the episode The Gift of the Wheelman on due South. It’s a Christmas-set episode and the first appearance of Fraser’s dad’s ghost. (And also Ray’s dad’s ghost.)

    19. varied*

      Great question!

      An early “Frasier” episode when Frasier gets the wrong package of gifts delivered to his home, with his package of gifts to a “Franklin Crane” in Maine (and Niles jokes “The Cranes of Maine have your Living Brain,” a reference to a toy Frasier had ordered more Frederick), so Frasier and Niles go shopping and of course hilarity ensures. It’s a very funny episode.

      I also like the one from that same series called “Miracle on 3rd or 4th Street.” SO funny.

    20. chocolate muffins*

      I liked the West Wing episode where Toby arranges a state funeral for an unhoused veteran. The episode also features a children’s choir singing Little Drummer Boy which is incredibly beautiful to me.

      1. Dodubln*

        Same choice for me. I know that “Noel” is considered one of TWW best episodes, and I love that one also, but “In Excelsis Deo” is one of my top 5 episodes of the entire show.
        The way Toby flinches during the volley salute at the funeral, with the boy’s choir singing “Little Drummer Boy” in the background makes me cry every single time.

    21. Seashell*

      The Middle: A Simple Christmas

      Description from a fan site – The Hecks count down the 12 days of Christmas with Frankie’s parents, Pat (Marsha Mason) and Tag (Jerry Van Dyke), when they come to town to spend the holiday with the family – much to Mike’s dismay. But when Frankie decides that she wants to take the focus off of the gifts and make it a simple Christmas, Pat and Tag have other ideas.

      The Middle often seems very close to life, but this was one of the episodes that felt like the writers had been to my house.

    22. EngineerRN*

      I really like David Tenant’s Doctor Who: The Christmas (which features a duel on a space ship, and the quote “I’m gonna get killed by a Christmas tree!”) & Matt Smith’s Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol (which features a shark & opera singer)

    1. Catagorical*

      I saw the pic and thought
      “Oh look, dear, we’re having fresh cats for dinner. How delicious!”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One of my spouse’s favorite art exhibits was one that had a bunch of ottomans (where you could sit) and a bunch of headphones (where you could listen to a cat purring). Each headphone set had a different cat.

        Rarely is art this relaxing.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        The second is “Everything Here is Mine.”*

        *courtesy of Nichole Hollander’s Sylvia comic strip

    5. Brevity*

      I don’t know each of the cats’ names — sorry! — but:

      black cat in front is lead singer
      gray cat crouching on the left is lead guitar
      cat in the back is the drummer
      cat on the right yawning is bass player

      Debut album title: Nine Lives

    1. RLC*

      “We are at our places, and yet the bowl of cat kibble remains empty! What must we do to get service at the Cat Restaurant?”

  7. Carrots*

    First time home buyer here. I close on my property on the 19th of this month. When should I call to set up utilities? (Gas, electricity, internet, etc.) Should it be on that day or a day or two after in case I end up closing on a different day?

    1. Kay*

      It will depend on your utility company and their process, but typically you can set it up so that it transfers from the old owner to new on the day of closing. You just have to remember to call them to change the date if your closing date changes. It is typically a lot easier to do it this way because depending on the utility company they can charge a shut off/start service if there is a lapse in service, as well as a delay for getting a turn on service. Call your utility companies early on to find out, or ask your real estate agent (they should know) and go from there. Typically you don’t want a lapse for any number of reasons ranging from weather/broken pipes, fees, arriving in the dark, not being able to test power at walk through, etc.

      1. Pentapus*

        where I live you have to arrange with gas and electric about a week beforehand. internet not. and all the reasons kay mentioned for no interrupted service

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Where I live it’s the other way around. Internet needs advance scheduling. Utilities you can do same day.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes; watch out for lapse in service. That can stick you on future credit reports as well (no matter why it occured.)

      3. Random Bystander*

        Yeah, if there’s a way to make it a simple switchover, that is absolutely the way to go–there can always end up being weird things that cause a delay.

        I remember when I was going through super-contentious divorce (and I had a full order of protection against him), the cable bill had been in his name. The cable company wouldn’t switch it over unless we were both present (couldn’t happen because of the order of protection). It was paid up to a certain date in June, and so I asked to set it up to start service on that date under my name. Well, ex figured out that he had one more way to mess with me and the children, and canceled it early. It took 2 weeks to get service again (and this was not just cable TV but also internet access).

        2. Generic Name*

          It takes two people to switch service to one of the names on the account but just one to cancel the whole thing? So messed up.

    2. Sloanicota*

      All I can say is if you can double-check, double-check, because all power was cut off to my house at midnight on the day of the closing, even though I had set it up. I had to call in the morning. The power company was also confused; “yes, I see the transfer here, and I also see this order to stop service at midnight. Hmm.”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Sounds like two systems not talking to each other–I got to deal with that years ago when trying to set up a sofa delivery from Major Department Store That Literally Invented Catalogue Shopping And Should Get This.

    3. Anax*

      This one got me when we bought our home two years ago – don’t forget about the trash service!

      I grew up in a place where it was automatically included in the tax bill. Not here, apparently. Whoops. That was a very confusing few weeks.

      (Also, somewhat related – if you have a home security service / house alarm, you may need to pay a nominal fee to the city for an alarm permit. That one was also a surprise – and it’s probably a good idea to set up right away, if it’s applicable to you. Apparently, the idea is to reduce false alarms.)

    4. Not your typical admin*

      Totally depends on the utility company. I do some real estate investing, so have to do this frequently. Some you just call or even do online, and you can schedule it in advance to be transferred on the day of closing. Others you have to go in person with a copy of your closing documents to prove it’s you that owns the house.

  8. Not your typical admin*

    Favorite crock pot dip recipes. Going to do a chips and hearty dip theme for Christmas Day since no one feels like doing heavy cooking. Looking for simple things I can prep the day before and turn on that morning so we can eat throughout the day.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love crockpot buffets. (At one point I was up to ten crockpots. :P )

      For dips, my favorite is the spinach-artichoke dip recipe from Six Sisters Stuff website. (Bonus, any leftovers also make a really good sandwich or wrap spread when they’re cold.) Goes well with veggies, tortilla chips, a bazillion kinds of crackers, that hickory farms style sausage stick, sliced baguette.
      I also like a good multi-layer taco dip – it’s been a minute, but as I recall I do layers of seasoned taco meat (beef or chicken usually), refried beans, bean and corn salsa, cheese, guacamole if folks like it, and then sour cream on the side. (Velveeta gets a bad rap, but melts like a dream in a crockpot taco dip.)
      Depending on how you stretch your definition of “dip” you could also do meatballs in bbq, marinara or sweet-and-sour sauce – nobody’s likely to dip in the meatballs, but you can still eat them with a toothpick and it gives a little extra protein. (And if you do marinara meatballs and have rolls, people who want something a little more substantial can make a meatball sandwich.)

      Heated Brie with fruit (like a berry compote) is often popular, but it’s more of a spread than a dip and I don’t know how well it would do in a crockpot, unless you had a fairly small one. (You could potentially do it in an air fryer though, and then add it to your table like a cheese board.)

        2. BlueSwimmer*

          The Franks’ hot sauce recipe for buffalo chicken dip is so good. Someone from my department at work makes it for every potluck and we always end up eating it with spoons when we run out of chips.

          1. A Girl Named Fred*

            Same! I can’t remember if ours is the Frank’s recipe or not but my family has a buffalo chicken dip recipe that we can eat by the spoonful. My partner sees it as more of a side dish so we don’t have it too often, but now I’m craving it so maybe I should get stuff for it this weekend lol

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I have a tiny wee crock pot that’s never been used (it’s for fondue and the like) and the brie with fruit would be perfect for it.

      3. Mouse*

        Similar to the meatballs, I love love love Lil Smokies in BBQ sauce with some grape jelly for holidays! Easy to make, easy to eat, but adds a bit of substance. We usually all go back to my parents’ house for a few days around Christmas and the day after Christmas is usually full of board games and low-effort snacks, so we’ll do the Lil Smokies with cheese and crackers, raw veggies, that kind of thing. And then we devolve into pizza rolls and other freezer snacks as the evening goes on (and we get drunker).

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Nacho dip: 1 can Hormel chili, no beans; 1 lb sausage, cooked and crumbled; 2 lb velveeta. Put on low until it all melts together. If you like spicier, use spicy sausage and/or spicy chili.

    3. Banana Pyjamas*

      Tex-Mex Chicken Dip
      1 lb ground chicken
      1 jar preferred green salsa (I like Somos.)
      1 brick cream cheese
      1/2 c water (optional)
      1 tsp cumin
      1 tsp coriander
      1/2 tsp black pepper
      Garlic to taste

      Cook on high 4 hours. Stir. Eat.

      I have tried red salsa and vegan cream cheese, but didn’t like either of those.

    4. Tulip*

      We enjoyed a spicy sausage, cream cheese, and Rotel dip back in the day. If I remember correctly, we’d brown a lb of hot sausage, drain and add it to the crockpot, then add a few bricks of cream cheese and a few cans of Rotel (canned diced tomatoes with green chilies). It was delicious scooped up with tortilla chips or baguette slices.

      1. Flit*

        Yes! The Rotel dip with cream cheese, not Velveeta, is always a huge hit. I do one lb of any kind of sausage, one brick of cream cheese and one can of any kind of Rotel. I also throw in a handful or two of shredded cheese if it looks thin. You really can’t go wrong with any variation- I’ve used breakfast sausage, spicy Italian sausage, chorizo, flavored cream cheeses, and various Rotels and it’s always delicious. A related dip is jalapeño popper dip- I don’t remember the recipe but it’s easy to search up online.

    5. PhyllisB*

      This one is a huge hit with my family; they won’t hardly allow me in the door without it. I’m sending the basic recipe, but I always double it because I have a BIL who will stand there and eat by the spoonful. (I caught him on the first spoonful and made him get a clean spoon and put some in a bowl so no contamination!!) :-) I’ll give notes at the end.
      Spinach Dip
      1 Package frozen spinach*
      8 ounces cream cheese (reduced fat is fine, but DON’T use fat free.)
      8 ounce carton sour cream (same rule as cream cheese)
      1 can chunk style ham*
      1 Tablespoon minced onion*
      3/4 teaspoon garlic salt*
      2 Tablespoons milk (just to make it thin enough to stir. You can add more if needed.)
      Heat spinach through and drain well. Mix everything together. Keep warm in a small crockpot.
      Notes: This recipe is just right for a mini crockpot but if you double it a regular size crockpot is fine.
      I am in the US, so these instructions are US. On the spinach: I usually get two 10 ounce boxes of chopped spinach,(if doubling.) Remove box. If all you can find are bags that’s fine and if it’s not exact ounces it won’t matter. Put in a glass pie plate throw it in microwave and nuke it until hot. If you don’t have a pie plate, a bowl will do fine, you just want to use something that won’t let the liquid escape. (The first time I did this I was just making one recipe worth, and I used a regular dinner plate. Talk about a mess!!) Obviously, if you don’t have a microwave you can put in pot add a bit of water and heat through. Pour in a strainer (mesh if you have one so you don’t lose any veg) and squeeze the stew out of it. You want to get as much water out as possible. My husband says stomp on it, but I haven’t had to go that far yet.
      The chunk style ham (Hormel is what’s usually available in my area, but sometimes I can find a store brand cheaper.) This is found close to canned tuna and salmon. Lightly drain and mash up with a fork. If you can’t find this or just don’t want to buy this, any cooked ham from other sources this will be fine just mince it finely. You want 6 to 12 ounces of ham depending on how much dip you’re making. In my area you can also find small packages of chopped ham in the case close to fresh hams. I don’t know if it’s precooked, it’s been years since I bought any.
      I don’t know about you, but the thought of mincing 1 Tablespoon of onion gives me a headache. If I’m not cutting onion for other dishes, I just use onion powder or onion juice (I think it’s available where seasonings are. One bottle lasts me forever so don’t remember where it is.) Also, I don’t use garlic SALT, but I do use garlic powder sometimes, so I use that. Once again, I have used garlic juice. If you’re using one of these instead of garlic salt, I would cut down a bit. Maybe for powder half a teaspoon or a good shake of the juice.
      While the spinach is sitting it in colander, I put the block of cream cheese in plate and nuke it until it’s warm and soft. Dump everything in the crock pot stir up really good and turn on slow heat. I would say for maybe an hour? You want everything heated through and gives flavors time to blend. Maybe two hours. I check on it a couple of times and give things a good stir. We like to serve this with Ritz crackers or Wheat Thins, but the kids like it with chips. One last thing: after it sits a while it looks GROSS!! The spinach starts looking funky, but it’s still good to eat, just stir good. If you have any leftover (doubtful) just put in a microwavable dish and refrigerate.
      Hope you try it and enjoy it. Let me know if you do!!

    6. EngineerRN*

      The Pioneer Woman’s Hot Corn Dip does really well in the crockpot. I’d prep everything but keep it all separate (cook the veggies, shred the cheese, and don’t bother grilling the corn – a bag of frozen corn steamed in the microwave works just fine!), then mix day-of and put in the crockpot on low a couple hours in advance. Bonus: if you leave out bacon fat, it’s vegetarian & gluten free.

      My other fave is shredded buffalo chicken “dip”. That one does ok mixed up ahead of time, then reheated.

      I’d also do chili! It’s great on its own, but can be a dip, too

    7. Lime green Pacer*

      Black Bean & Cheddar Dip from Not Your Mother’s Slow Cooker for Entertaining
      19 0z can black beans, drained and processed in food processor until smooth
      3 cups shredded medium-sharp (or medium-old, for Canadians) Cheddar
      Chili powder to taste

      Empty bean paste into crock. Fold in shredded cheddar. Cover, cook on LOW until dip is hot throughout and cheese is melted, 1.5 – 3 hours. Add chili powder to taste.

    8. is the math right ?*

      Mexican dip – 1 can pinto beans lightly smashed. jar of your favorite salsa, ungodly amounts of cheddar or Mexican cheese. Depending on water content of the salsa, you may need to drain the beans.

    9. ric*

      Buffalo chicken dip! I use two 12.5 oz cans of chicken, drained, (but you can also use shredded cooked chicken/rotisserie chicken if canned chicken freaks you out), 8 oz cream cheese, 8 oz sharp/extra sharp cheddar, 1/4 cup Ranch and 1/4 cup Frank’s hot sauce. Usually I melt the cream cheese and cheddar cheese together in a sauce pan and then put it in a crockpot and mix everything else in, but you can do the whole thing in a crockpot on low for like an hour. Stir pretty frequently if you don’t pre-melt.

  9. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    The new owners/landlords of the house across the street have been trying to fix it up themselves. There’s all sorts of ethically dubious shenanigans they’re pulling with the tenant but this isn’t about that, this is about their hilariously bad DIY attempts on the house. Every day is a new experience.

    Highlights include:

    Using a saw-ed off drawer slide as a mounting bracket for a hilariously oversized porch light that they accidentally installed at a 45 degree angle. Then it fell off.

    Not planning ahead when installing a ductless heating and cooling system and being forced to put the outside unit on the porch where it partially blocks the front door.

    They looked at the back part of the house that’s falling into the creek and were like “oh yeah, that needs an enormous deck attached to it.” They did not stabilize it. The deck fell into the creek.

    Pouring a new concrete driveway without proper drainage, where the unsealed end that meets the street is directly in the path of rain runoff from the hill above. It’s already sunk six inches.

    The latest is their attempt at saving money on insulation. They nailed rigid insulation sheets to the outside of the house over the siding…then painted over the insulation to and added foam stone accents to finish. I can’t wait for spring when we get 40 inches of rain. It’s going to be a disaster.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      …. WOW. Poor tenants. I lived for a few months in a house we called “the pit” because I’m pretty sure it was not actually legally habitable, and my final straw was when snowmelt dripped off the roof into the walls, then flooded my bedroom on the inside. In January.

      The stripper I bought my house from did a whole ton of terrible DIY, but all of her terrible DIY was somehow simultaneously terrible and also remarkably sturdy, and we didn’t find out how terrible most of it was until we were trying to undo it. (Except the dining room sideboards nail-gunned to the garage wall six inches off the floor. Those were pretty obvious. But they also stayed up for like five years before we took them down.)

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        The house we bought was built by someone like that (and by the original owners, not licensed professionals). So many terrible choices and baffling decisions went into building this house. But I have to hand it to them, all the work is solid. Our baseboards are held on with five inch deck screws but at least I know they aren’t going anywhere?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          That’s actually been the problem a couple of times. I’ve redone two bathrooms and in both of them she straight up glued the vanity to the wall with some sort of epoxy or tile cement, resulting in broken wall tiles in one and needing drywall repair in the other. She likewise glued the baseboards to the bedroom walls AND painted them in place. I don’t even know how she put up the microwave but we needed a sawzall to get it down.

        2. Laggy Lu*

          I also own a home where the previous owner had delusions of DIY grandeur. We’ve undone so much questionable work around here, both physically and aesthetically. Now we are dealing with a leak from the balcony in our room (yes, we have a balcony off our bedroom they installed), that is intruding through the windows on the floor below. We are going to have to gut a bathroom and most of the external wall to fix it.
          At the same time we will probably redo our main bathroom. They tiled it themselves, with tiny 3-inc tile and I swear there is more grout than tile. It’s awful.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Sometimes I wish there was an official department that could take people planning major projects like this aside and gently say “Honey, no. Put that down. Trust me, in the long run you’ll be glad I’m here.”

            1. Jackalope*

              This is very encouraging to me. I had some wonderful housemates for awhile who were very skilled at DIY stuff, and while I learned some things from them I’m nothing like they are. My dad has also taught me some stuff, but I’m still not great with it. I sometimes feel bad about outsourcing everything to other people, but this is a good reminder that it’s okay to let skilled people take care of this sort of thing instead of doing it myself. Even if it’s more expensive.

              (I do still enjoy painting walls, though. I’m not at the level of a professional but I like it and it’s cheaper. So that’s one of my few DIY tricks.)

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                Remind yourself that sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money. And for stuff like electrics or water, professionals ONLY.

              2. PDB*

                I grew up a painting contractor and while I’ve done everything from foundations to finish I will not paint.

        3. Artemesia*

          Our fun find was that the under counter lights in the kitchen were attached to an extension cord run in the wall. And the ice maker in the refrigerator was supplied by a plastic tube that had been installed UNDER the slate floor so when it failed and began flooding the wood living room floor, the only way to fix it would be to destroy the kitchen floor. (we just turned off the water to the ice maker). The previous owner who had done the renovations was a frigging contractor, not Jethro DIY.

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        Building codes are notoriously lax here. For example, until a year or two ago, it would have been perfectly legal for me to prop a piece of sheet metal against the fence and rent it out as a studio apartment. Now habitations are required to have walls and a roof. What’s embarrassing is how much of a struggle it was to get that enacted.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            Reminds me of the notorious rental ad in San Francisco where an in-use garage (as in, cars were being parked in it, not converted to a living space) was being offered for rent at over a grand a month. To live in.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Ohhhh dear. I hope their tenant flees and sues for their rent back! There’s a world of difference between “tree fort” and “we can rent this to someone.”

    6. Rara Avis*

      The landlord next door to me is building an ADU that covers every legally allowable inch of the backyard. When leveling for it, they undermined our shared fence. Our landlord tried to get them to fix it, and kept getting blown off — “Oh yeah, we’ll fix the fence when the ADU is done.” So my landlord got frustrated, went to the county — and found that they hadn’t pulled the permits for grading the land. So there has been no progress on the building for some weeks now, and probably there are some fines involved. Our landlord says the other guy is pissed off — but it all could have been avoided if he had just fixed the fence at the beginning. Or, hey, pulled the permits for grading and building a retaining wall.

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      DIY disasters are hidden everywhere! I sometimes feel like my entire house is one giant DIY. (I mean, it actually was but that’s a different story…)
      I had seen people discussing online about how the older generations weren’t ACTUALLY better at home repairs/DIY than “kids these days”. Rather, they were willing to live with shoddy or dangerous work because they *didn’t know enough* to realize it’s bad work. In addition, many “DIY Manuals” were published to add to that false sense of confidence in their own work. Whereas many of the younger generation have less free time and more access to information about dangers, so they choose to seek professionals more often than older generations.
      I was pretty skeptical about it till I was clearing out some old bookshelves in my house and found a Reader’s Digest Home DIY Guide (the title was something like that). I was curious so I leafed through it and ohhhhh boy. If a lot of the DIY books were like this then “false sense of confidence” doesn’t come CLOSE to covering it. This book was intended that you never hire another professional again, you can tackle ANY home project, no matter how big, as long as you don’t get intimidated! This book has allll the information you need. In two pages or less. I think the longest entry was installing a lighting system for your backyard and running the wiring from your house to outdoors. It was FOUR entire pages! There was a two-page spread on how to knock out part of your basement wall (and possibly part of the foundation) to create a new doorway to access the basement from outside! No wonder they thought they could do everything!!

      1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Woooow. Was it a Reader’s Digest abridgment of a legit DIY publication? There are some things that should not be abridged.

    9. Wolf*

      My parents bought a DIWhy house, too. A few things they found:

      * a radiator buried in the middle of the front lawn

      * the fence posts each had an absolutely massive amount of concrete. Like, a 1m deep, 50cm wide block to hold a standard picket fence post.

      * the balcony slowly sank away from the house

      * all rooms in the basement have different floor levels

  10. Teapot Translator*

    Has anyone else suddenly found themselves with more motivation for apparently no reason? I don’t have ADHD*, but I do have a hard time doing stuff that is boring and not urgent around the house, like tidying up. I’ve noticed lately that I will sometimes think, “Hmm, I need to do this boring non-urgent thing today” and then just do it? I’m just baffled after years of avoiding doing stuff.
    *I’ve checked lists of symptoms online and I don’t recognize myself. My spiciness of choice is anxiety.

    1. TriviaJunkie*

      My sister was like this. She had undiagnosed learning disabilities, and zero executive function. Most days she could barely keep a schedule, but every so often she would have a day where she was just… On It. Mom used to just say the wiring was loose, but every so often, it just got bumped back to connected position.

      1. magic*

        That makes me really sad. Reminds me of the way people talked (and still talk I’m sure) about me. Sucks to be that person.

    2. magic*

      My anxiety is a big part of my executive dysfunction. It’s the desire to stay in control.

      Now, in my case, I do have ADHD, depression, and quite possibly pathological demand avoidance (my severe anxiety obscured all three of these things). Definitely not suggesting you have PDA, but I think you’ll likely find it illuminating in terms of anxiety + avoiding tasks.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Has anything changed in your health / life? Sleeping better? Or has there been relief / progress in dealing with some stressor?

      When I’ve been going through something major, sometimes the first sign that I’m coming out the other side is a burst of energy / motivation.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Sadly, I will say for me (and I hope others do not recognize themselves here) – I get a huge surge of motivation to do some things only when I’m putting off something else that seems worse to me. So if I’m trying to get some awful report done for work, it feels very necessary to regrout the kitchen tile right now, and clean up this pigsty, and cook a healthy meal from scratch.

        1. Bethlam*

          I have a sayings collection, and one of them is, “I can do any amount of work, as long as it’s not the work I’m supposed to be doing. “

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I can have the most organized pen holder on the planet when avoiding a difficult task.

        2. Bethlam*

          Whoops, just checked and I mangled it a bit. Should be: “Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”
          Robert Benchley (humorist columnist of The New Yorker)

            1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

              Right?? My apartment was always pristine around midterms and finals. These days the closer I get to a work deadline, the more sparkling my kitchen is. Spouse says he can tell how stressed I am about work by how clean the house is.

        4. A313*

          Same here. But I have found that my brain was working on the avoided thing (if it’s a mental thing, like a report) while I’m cleaning behind the refrigerator, grouting, etc., so that when I do go back to it (finally!) ideas seem to come so much easier. But also, the panic of having put off the report and now it’s almost due likely motivates me.

          1. tangerineRose*

            I think sometimes if you work on something for a while and then go do something else, your subconscious gets a chance to work on it in the background.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Weather/season definitely affects me – there’s a few magic weeks in spring & autumn when the weather is just right for me and I have almost unlimited energy and fantasic sleep.

    5. tangerineRose*

      Are you feeling better or doing something healthy? I’ve been cutting back a bit on sugar, and today I had more energy and did a few extra little chores that I usually put off.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      It sounds like you’ve found your perfect strategy and it’s working for you. I do something similar (I do have ADHD) for my procrastination; I believe it’s called “eat the frog”. You call it “do the boring non-urgent thing today”, and I call it “I know from previous experience that if I don’t do this immediately it will never get done”. Age is a factor, in my experience. When I was young, I would listen to the advice of others, who would say things like I should try to care more, be organised etc, etc. When I got older I knew beyond doubt that caring made no difference and organisation was putting me off from doing things that were not top priority. At some point your instinct looks back over the years of procrastination and says “This is just the sort of task designed to be thorn on your side. You’ll hate having this hanging over you”.

      1. Sloanicota*

        “organisation was putting me off from doing things that were not top priority” – yes, this haha. I read somewhere about how *some* brains loove to make lists, because writing things down is so much more fun than doing them, and definitely felt a jolt of recognition there. Now if I actually want to make a to do list, it can’t be more than like three things in the order I want to do them in – because otherwise I’m just wasting my own time and am never going to do all these things I’m lovingly adding on to my Organized Person Cosplay Prop.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I cannot relax in a messy environment, so I do a frog shot and get chores done before I lay around. Otherwise, I’m wasting my time-wasting time!

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      Before I embarked upon the dubious joys of the perimenopause, I’d always suddenly switch into major Get Stuff Done mode in the couple of days immediately before my period. I’d get through several weeks’ worth of stuff all at once, but be pretty exhausted afterwards. I don’t usually have problems getting stuff done, but it was like a switch flipped on in my brain for those couple of days.

      Without getting too much into medical discussion, I’ve always wondered how hormones affect executive functioning – I don’t have any diagnosed mental health conditions (other than a horrible bout of depression in my 20s), but I think it’s a very under-researched and under-appreciated factor.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, interesting idea about hormones and executive function! I had heard anecdotally about the menopause brain fog, and indeed, my always-lousy executive function has gotten a fair bit worse with menopause.

      2. WellRed*

        I thought I was experiencing early dementia or something before it finally dawned me. I’m hoping to be sharp of mind again someday eventually.

      3. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        There is new research and discussion that talk about how ADHD meds have to be adjusted (higher) for some people around their periods as well, because they become less effective at certain points in their cycle.

    8. Anima*

      I likely have ADHD (can’t get a diagnosis because of overwhelmed health system were I live) – and I am constantly surprising myself how *locked in* I am. I struggled for three years with uni and doing stuff, but right now I just do it. I stopped being super sad I can’t do much else, I just go for it and use the little free time I have as I like. My mental healt has never been better. I have a small idea why: I got of birth control six month ago. Maybe it has something to do with that, maybe not. Did you do something like me in the past few months?

      1. Imtheone*

        My friend who is a therapist had a patient whose depression lifted some when stopping birth control. It seemed like the hormones were a factor.

        1. allathian*

          Yes. The two years I was on hormonal birth control in my 20s were the worst of my life so far when it comes to mental health. It didn’t help that the pills totally killed my libido, either. My then-boyfriend and I weren’t at all compatible, and I was certainly more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than I was in love with him. We got stuck in a vicious cycle where I’d start fights and he’d give me the silent treatment. If I’d had more experience I would’ve dumped him after the first 3 months, as it was, I dated him for more than two years.

          I went into therapy and switched BC brands, but nothing helped until I dumped him and quit BC.

    9. Qwerty*

      It can be a positive feedback loop!

      Getting something done feels good and you get a bit energy from that. You use that extra energy to get something done.

      Large to-do lists are overwhelming and exhausting, making it harder to get started. Same for if your home is cluttered. So once you started shrinking to the to-do list to a manageable amount, then you ended up more motivated to tackle it. Tidying up is SO much easier when its just a couple things vs the whole place feels like a mess. Typically I find that I have a lot more energy when my home is clean and uncluttered

    10. EngineerRN*

      Yes.

      Check out “Type 2 bipolar” and see if that makes sense to you – it’s frequently misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety, but that cycling between “can barely get out of bed” and “Very Productive” is a symptom.

      Also: some things DO come with maturity & experience. “Do boring things now to make life easier later” is one of the true joys of passing 35-40ish :)

  11. Harlowe*

    Husband and I are gearing up for some major DIY over the next year. He is a clumsy slob and I am an obsessive neat freak, so we’re looking for ways to streamline and make the house easier to clean as we go.

    Some things we’ve discussed so far: switching the sink to an undermount (currently have constant spills in the seams), replacing the worn snap-together fake wood floors with wider/longer planks (fewer cracks), simpler moulding around the baseboards (current type is highly ornamental and has several deep crevices).

    Any other DIYers have similar recommendations?

    1. run mad; don't faint*

      Adequate drawer and storage space, including room to store all pots, pans and lids easily. Pull out racks for pots, etc are really helpful. Solid surface work/counter tops in kitchen and bathrooms (less grout to scrub). Use a surface that won’t stain too easily.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Definitely agree with your last sentence. It’s the surfaces of my house that causes “oh no, I forgot to clean X” into a Cleaning Disaster, eg the stain sunk into my granite countertop and permanently altered it, or that wet thing soaked into my original hardwood and now there’s an ugly black mark.

        1. run mad; don't faint*

          Yes. “Look at the red food dye stain that doesn’t want to come out –again!”

          Oh, and thinking back to the grout cleaning issue I mentioned earlier, Harlowe, you may want to consider large tiles where applicable. Bathroom floors, showers and possibly even kitchen back splashes, or at least the largest you can fit in that space. We still have one bathroom with the original 1960s four inch tile on the floor, counter and in the shower. So. Much. Grout. To. Scrub!

          1. Aquamarine*

            Can I ask what you use on your grout? I have those 4-inch tiles, and I scrub… but I’ve never been happy with the results.

            1. Indolent Libertine*

              I just cleaned the grout on our powder room floor tiles with household white vinegar diluted about 50% with water and WOW!!! I saturated long strips of paper towel and left those sitting on the grout joints for 5-10 minutes, then scrubbed with a stiff brush and wiped away the liquid, and it’s back to blinding like-new white where it had been embarrassingly, horrifyingly grubby before. This method came via Wirecutter, I highly recommend!

            2. anonymous anteater*

              whatever cleaning fluid you choose, I am so happy that I bought the brush things with a drill bit-end that you can install in your power drill. Huge improvement of scrubbing chores! I got mine in the home improvement store.

            3. Part time lab tech*

              Whitening toothpaste worked when my son decided that the grout would look better with black marker.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Don’t get cupboards that go all the way up to the ceiling unless you have a means of accessing the top shelves or plan to use them for storage of rarely used items.

        1. Loreli*

          But the tops of cupboards that don’t go to the ceiling get covered with the worst combination – dust and kitchen grease.
          Having a place for infrequently used things frees up your more accessible cupboard space. Get a foldable ladder for the high-up stuff.

          2. Observer*

            Also agree. And you can get really lightweight and easily foldable step ladders for not a lot of money. The one I bought recently was ~$18. If you have a space for brooms, it would fit there nicely.

          3. Chauncy Gardener*

            Also agree. The tops of cabinets can be disgusting and they are way harder to clean than the taller cabinet faces themselves

          4. Quinalla*

            Yup, this is one reason we always take them to the ceiling and also why we have a 2 step step ladder that folds up and goes in the kitchen pantry for accessing those cabinets when needed. All of the use once or twice a year items go in those cabinets, it’s great!

            We’ve redone two kitchens and each time contractor thought we were nuts to do it and then commented on how nice it looked and how actually that extra storage would be kind of nice, haha!

    2. tangerineRose*

      I’ve heard good things about luxury vinyl (can be tough and seems like it would be easy to clean) and quartz kitchen countertops (easy to clean).

      1. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

        If you have a dog, I strongly recommend avoiding luxury vinyl tile on your floors. When the dog gets old and has not-so-great hips and leg muscles, they will REALLLLLLY struggle to walk on that vinyl plank flooring. We have purchased several runners and rugs to help our 16 year old dog get around better, but it’s still a struggle when he steps off the rugs. It’s painful to watch.

    3. IT Manager*

      I avoid dusting as much as possible by using closed storage everywhere. Bookshelves have glass fronts, small appliances go into a closet that I turned into a small pantry with a door. No pictures, no open shelves, nothing on kitchen counter.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Seconding adding storage to be able to put EVERYTHING away. So much easier to wipe down counters etc when there’s nothing on them. I’ve tried to get into the habit of just putting every single thing away when I’m cleaning up after meals. It makes my small house look bigger and doesn’t invite clutter to reproduce like tribbles

    5. Part time lab tech*

      Think about how you actually move around the house and deposit stuff. I tend to put things down rather than away, especially as I come into the house. Realistically, this is not going to change because it doesn’t bother me visually and it’s convenient. My home is a tool for living not a pretty picture for social media.
      So my plan when we finish the final storage next year is to have hooks, shelves and pigeon holes conveniently placed on my way into the house. Eg. my exercise bag can go on a hook in the garage because I get changed at home (contains only towel and socks, bottle and change of clothes go in as I leave via the car, swimwear in my room because I put in on at home and then it goes straight into the laundry to rinse and dry, my purse can go on a hook near our desk nook in the main living space as the chargers are there for my phone and it’s convenient if I need to make online payments. I plan to put shelves in the laundry to store the clean laundry baskets (and get 2-3 more for easier sorting). I may have to do this sneakily because my husband has an automatic no feature when he’s stressed:)

    6. Observer*

      replacing the worn snap-together fake wood floors with wider/longer planks (fewer cracks),

      Make sure that this is done *right*. Because when the planks are properly spaced there should not be that much space for stuff to get into. We used the HomeDepot stuff, and it’s really nice. We didn’t do it ourselves, but two different people did the two different floors. And the one with the wider planks is a bit of a pain because those planks are not tightly spaced. We used someone else for the next one, and you can see the difference.

      switching the sink to an undermount (currently have constant spills in the seams)

      That’s a great idea. I’d say make sure that you either get a faucet the has a sprayer built in, or a faucet set that comes with a sprayer, as it makes it MUCH easier to clean the sink. If you get the separate sprayer, make sure that the sink has the holes.

      I’d also about the backsplash in our kitchen. I like the one I have, but if I had someone who manages to get mess everywhere I’d probably get a smooth one.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        And one thing that happened in my mom’s home and in our rental is that the grout behind the sprayer faucet/faucet always wears out and molds/mildews because it wasn’t sealed properly. That is something I have on my future “if I own a home” list of things to make sure I solve for!

        1. EngineerRN*

          Fun fact about grout: you’re supposed to reseal it once a year, just like you’re supposed to redo caulked joints once a year (especially in wet spaces like showers & sinks).

          A lot of folks don’t realize this! And sometimes what looks like damage is actually hard water deposits building up on the surface of the grout.

    7. EngineerRN*

      Sheet linoleum. There are some really beautiful patterns out there that do a good job mimicking tile, wood, etc. NO CRACKS AT ALL.

      If you do an under mount sink, really watch the installation – we have one (previous homeowner remodeled kitchen with a professional company that still managed to screw this up), and the installer didn’t sufficiently hide the gasket in the joint when installing the sink. My sink constantly looks like there’s black crud stuck between the sink & counter because of that mistake with tut gasket (there isn’t, it’s just the black gasket, but it bugs me!).

      Baseboards: make sure all decorative stuff slops DOWN so dust doesn’t collect.

      If you can: between-pane blinds in windows.

      Charging stations/space for vacuums on every floor. It’s worth it to be able to quickly grab a cordless vacuum to clean up a mess.

      In the kitchen: hidden-but-foot-activated trash/recycling bins.

      Sink: as few openings as possible. IDE as lot, just 1 for the faucet, with a pull-down built-in sprayer. Soap, etc. in separate containers you can pick up & clean.

      Cabinets in the kitchen with NO ledges in the details on yr doors, and very smooth surfaces (really watch this with wood cabinets – ours weren’t properly grain-popped on the inset edges of the face panels before finishing, and my cleaning cloths get caught every single time I try to wipe them down.)

      DECLUTTER your stuff – the less you have, the less there is to clean. YOU CAN’T ORGANIZE CLUTTER.

    8. Aquamarine*

      Regarding the undermount sink, i was reluctant to get one because I heard they can be very hard to replace if you have granite or quartz countertops… I don’t have firsthand experience though.

    9. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      • Flat-front cabinets with no place for dust to land
      • Groutless bathroom: we have a Corian tub surround (custom-formed and installed by a local company) and a cork floor. Bonus: the floor is not cold. The thing to watch with cork is water intrusion around the edges. We are okay as long as we don’t have a big leak.
      • Windows you can clean from the inside (the ones that can open inward to let you reach down and clean the outside of the window while standing inside)

  12. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I just finished Terciel and Elinor by Garth Nix. It’s the prequel to the book Sabriel, and I really enjoyed it. I apparently read it already, but had forgotten that when I saw it so reread the whole thing anyway.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I have started reading Ngaio Marsh. On her third book.

      Also read Donna Andrews most recent Christmas Mystery. While I haven’t looked anything up yet, the Keepers (who feel like they’ll become recurring characters) definitely seem like a tribute to Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oh, gosh! I usually wait for the new Donna Andrews books to come out in paperback, but I may have to get the Christmas one sooner rather than later.

    2. run mad; don't faint*

      I’ve been reading the Daisy Gumm Majesty mysteries by Alice Duncan. Set in the 1920s, Daisy earns her living as a fake spiritualist who keeps stumbling over murders. Surprisingly light, breezy and easy to read despite the occasional subject matter.

    3. Valancy Stirling*

      After a lengthy reading slump, I’ve finally gotten hooked on Coming Home for Christmas by Jenny Hale. I’m not sure if it’s good yet, as I’m only a couple of chapters in, but it feels really cozy.

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      Just finished Maisie Dobbs for book club. Enjoyable light read, and now that the back history is taken care of, I’d like to read the next in the series.

    5. Clara Bowe*

      I decided I wanted to read some sweet, kind things. I picked up the Tea Dragon Compendium by K. O’Neill. The art is fabulous, the stories are kind, and it was a stellar choice.

      I also grabbed “Garlic and the Vampire” by Bree Paulson. The art was adorable and I pretty much instantly ordered it as a present for a nibbling who I think would vibe with the themes.

      Last but not least, “High Crusade” by Poul Anderson. I saw it mentioned on an online post and it seemed like the kind of bonkers sci-fi fever dream that would be fun rather than tedious. Basically aliens invade England during one of the ramp-ups to a Crusade. They are scouts of an advanced, aggressive empire but are a bit caught up in their tech and can’t quite cope with melee weapons and a punch to the face from the English army. Cue accidental counter invasion because when it’s the 1200’s would YOU know what a French army looks like? Again, this sounds like it will be bananas.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I love The High Crusade. You might also try Operation Chaos, also by Poul Anderson. An alternate, but similar universe with magic.

        1. Clara Bowe*

          Bonkers sci-fi pulp books were my entire childhood. I am five pages in and it is already SO MUCH. And thank you for the recommendation!

        2. carcinization*

          I really loved Operation Chaos and its sequel but my husband bounced off of what he perceived as the common sexism of the day (the female lead not going back to work after having a child, etc.), so he didn’t even finish the first book.

      2. Evvy*

        Ahhh I love the Tea Dragon books!! And K O’Neill has a longer graphic novel called The Moth Keeper which has similar vibes and is also lovely

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Plowing through Doomsday Book; also just finished Christmas Days by Jeanette Winterson. I just love those stories, especially the one about the donkey who carried Mary. Also finished off David Sedaris’s Santaland Diaries.

      1. Pam Adams*

        Rereading Connie Willis’ Miracle, het Christmas collection. Also, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. The new movie of the book is excellent

    7. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Ooh, I didn’t know there was a prequel! I’ve been meaning to reread Sabriel, it’s been a while!

      I’ve been reading ‘The Knowing’ by Tanya Talaga, about her search for information about her family members who went to residential schools and were “lost” through various other colonial structures. As you can imagine, it’s a heavy read – you can feel her (totally justified and natural) anger and grief at all the generations who became disconnected from their families, communities, and cultures and who suffered and died at the schools or as a result of their experiences there. But a very powerful book and an important one for people in Canada to read (although the U.S. had their own versions of schools). Even as someone who would have considered herself relatively informed, I am learning and finding a lot to reflect on.

    8. Bluebell Brenham*

      I tried to read Tehrangeles, about a family with 4 daughters in LA, but just couldn’t get into it. In nonfiction, I’m reading This is Why You Dream. The author is a neurosurgeon, and there’s a lot of very cool science. I have The Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler out of the library but not sure if I’m ready for it yet.

    9. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Just started All The Beauty In the World: The Metropolitan Museum of Art and Me, a memoir by a museum guard. My inner art nerd is very excited about this one but I better get reading because book club is Sunday!

    10. Rara Avis*

      The God of the Woods. The characters are so engaging. I stayed up way too late several nights in a row to find out if they would be okay.

    11. Six Feldspar*

      A lot of rereading lately, my brain is not in the mood for something new. I’ve finshied Annihilation by Jeff Van De Meer again (and the more I read it the more I think I prefer it as a standalone, I think it’s enough on its own without the rest of the trilogy). Now I’m going through the first few of Lindsey Davis’ books about Falco.

    12. Atheist Nun*

      I recently read and enjoyed Adventures in the Louvre: How to Fall in Love with the World’s Greatest Museum by Elaine Sciolino. The author is a fantastic writer and, as a respected and accomplished journalist, had extraordinary access to people and places affiliated with the Louvre. There is something for everyone here: art of course, but also history, science (the Louvre houses a particle accelerator!), architecture, colonialism, sex and sexual identity, and politics. Each chapter is short and helps with readability.

      I read it as an advance reading copy; the book will be published next April. Usually I wait forever to read ARCs (I have 400+ to be read on my e-reader), but I jumped the gun on this one because I will be visiting Paris, and the Louvre, next month.

    13. Evvy*

      I just finished Perilous Times by Thomas D. Lee — Arthurian knights in the time of climate change! Overall I liked it a lot, the humor is very British and tongue-in-cheek and there are a lot of silly jokes that help leaven the pretty grim subject matter and blend it well with the overt fantasy aspects :)

    14. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished *The Egg and I* by Betty MacDonald. As was brought up last week, she is really racist in her view of the local indigenous population in this book, which cast a pall on what is otherwise an entertaining book. I like her other stuff much better so far.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      Floating Hotel by Grace Curtis, about a few weeks on a spaceship that is also a fading luxury hotel. This was a lot of fun–each chapter is told from a new character’s point of view, and they have their own concerns that shape which parts of the overarching narrative they notice. There’s an evil empire–or at least a corrupt one–and it captures both the frustrations of the service industry and how certain places can take on a special, magical resonance based in whatever they first were to us. Why is someone sending sonnets through the vacuum tubes? What is the actual purpose of this obscure academic conference? How many spies are there? This is a gentle story about parts coming together for a bit and then moving apart, very reminiscent of Becky Chambers.

    16. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week. Oooooohhh. The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa – the Penguin, of course, the Richard Zenith translation. It’s bizarre, gentle and wonderful. It’s a collection of fictional, diary-like musings from a Portuguese author who while working as a bookkeeper, scribbled these in coffee shops on sandwich wrappers. He published the odd poem or musing in literary journals in the 1910s. When he died in 1935, he left a steamer trunk full of these little missives like a tossed salad. He created numerous pseudonyms (which he called heteronyms, and which he started creating when he was 6, and whom he lets speak unkindly of him now & then) and attributed selected wrappers to different ones. He fully fleshed out these imaginary friends – with back stories, horoscopes, and even obituaries. The job of grouping the trunk full of paper into a coherent book must have been daunting. It reads like a dreamy diary, with many quotable musings on life, work & love. In the early 80s, when the first book came out in Portuguese, British new wave artists The Smiths and Tears for Fears reported inspiration from this wonderful messy book.

      And related to that, I’ve begun a single-minded and probably nutty plan to make 2025 the Year of the Penguin Classics. I’ve struggled this year with attempts to love a lot of recent releases by new authors, and with only a couple of exceptions (Ruth Ozeki! Paul Auster!), have been disappointed. I’m really old school about grammar & sentence structure & plot, and most of the new books I read in 2024 left me feeling unfed. I want stories about people and places, with no mention of brand names and smartphones and and and. I know I sound curmudgeonly, but I like a tough, literary book. And the thicker the better! I loved The Count of Monte Cristo, and plan next to delve into the Russian bricks – Tolstoy, Gogol & Dostoevsky. Just the thing for a dark winter.

      1. allx*

        I love the idea of 2025 Year of the Penguin Classics! For the last few years I have made new year’s resolutions related to reading, usually number of books or pages, books in various categories. This year’s resolution included reading a classic I had not read before, for which I selected Middlemarch (based on rec given here) and absolutely loved it. Thank you so much for the great idea! Year of the Penguin Classic is now my first 2025 resolution.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Wonderful! I will be excited to hear which classic you choose for 2025. That’s a lovely idea! And do tell all throughout the year about your other choices and their resolution categories. Reading bucket lists are the best!

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Related to your planning, you may enjoy the lovely hardcover book, The Penguin Classics Book (ISBN 978-1524705879 because it can be hard to find in search engines). It’s a coffee table book from a few years ago of the establishment of Penguins, sorted by era and roughly by country, with lovely cover pics and detailed bios and plot summaries. I got it out at the library so many times over the years that the librarian said, “Wow, maybe you need to buy a copy of this…” She was right, and I did, and I am going to place it in my window seat and use it as my catalogue through 2025. The reality of 2025 will stay firmly outside my door while I refer to this time machine over and over.

              1. Nervous Nellie*

                Lovely! Every year I buy myself a ‘house gift’ – one item I will really use and that will benefit my home. This year it’s a knife sharpener. This Penguin Classics book was my house gift a couple of years ago. Great minds!

          2. allx*

            I am so looking forward to this challenge/resolution. I will post in the reading thread as I make progress!

      2. carcinization*

        I read The Book of Disquiet over years as a bathtub book… loved it and have never met anyone else who’s read it. However, upon googling it looks like I have the much shorter Costa/Serpent’s Tail version, so I guess I haven’t really read the whole thing at all! Interesting!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Awesome! Yes, there have been many variations. Pessoa is definitely a rabbit hole. Dreamy stuff. I’m excited for you to experience the whole thing.

    17. Lizard*

      I spent the day after Thanksgiving finishing “The Once and Future Witches” by Alix E. Harrow, which was exactly what I needed. It takes place in a world where there used to be powerful witches…before the burnings. Now witchcraft is limited to household charms, and (some) women are fighting for the right to vote. But that’s not enough for three sisters – they’re determined to bring back the powerful witchcraft of the old days. It was great to read a book where things are tough and the system is terrible, but people band together and fight. It was a nice contrast to a book that I recently finished that was more along the lines of ‘everything is hard, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’ll be sad for the rest of my days’.

      I also read Never Lie by Freida McFadden, which I liked but didn’t love. And I’m currently reading Finlay Donovan is Killing It by Elle Cosimano about a recently divorced mother and struggling author who meets her agent at a Panera to discuss her non-existent draft. The woman in the next booth thinks that she’s a contract killer and hires her to take care of her (terrible) husband.

    18. chocolate muffins*

      The Heaven and Earth Grocery store, which I didn’t start to like until about 75% of the way through. I think I could see some of the things that book was trying to do, and I appreciated those things, but my appreciation for the concept of the book vastly surpassed my appreciation for the book itself.

    19. Angstrom*

      Rebels at Sea by Eric Jay Dolin, nonfiction about privateering in the American Revolutionary war. A bit of history I had barely been aware of.

      Shirley Jackson’s Dark Tales story collection. Elegantly creepy.

      Dracula. Such a fun read. Mina and her trusty typewriter play a key role which doesn’t appear in any of the movies.

    20. Mobie's Mom Now*

      The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst (I think! returned to library already, can’t check, too lazy to Google). Somehow it was labeled Sci Fi in the library, though it was in the “new arrivals” so I didn’t notice until I got it home, but honestly, I don’t know how you would categorize a CLEARLY fantasy book as sci fi! Anyway, I liked it! Not usually a fantasy fan, but this is one of the occasional ones I liked! Very cozy.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Several Christmas-themed books in progress – most of them dark, as in solstice horror, Victorian ghost stories, modern-day horror, murder mysteries… What can I say? ’tis the season!

      Among them:

      Kim Newman’s A Christmas Ghost Story, in which a mother and son are planning to enjoy their usual (quirky) holiday when a series of very odd letters start arriving, one a day from December 1. And it turns out this is mimicking a creepy TV show that the mother remembers watching when she was a child – but that apparently never existed. Interesting mix of family snark, holiday-tradition pressure, and some very grim and creepy Something’s Coming scenes.

      Christmas Crimes at the Mysterious Bookshop edited by Otto Penzler, another anthology of tales with some kind of nod to the titular bookshop (a long-running bookstore in NYC)

      Everyone This Christmas Has A Secret by Benjamin Stevenson, which sounds like a potentially less-lethal novel than his first one, Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone.

      In the not-Christmas-at-all section there’s Becky Chambers’ A Close and Common Orbit, in which a sentient AI is trying to cope with being limited to its new “kit” – a simulated human body – in a society where AIs are usually considered as tools. Meanwhile, her friend is struggling with her own past; she is human, but was reared among a set of similarly cloned children who were used as slave labor in sorting through trash to retrieve usable bits. She escaped and found herself being mentored by the AI of a wrecked ship – so we have a human raised by an AI, and an AI learning to be human. I do love Chambers’ work.

    22. Clumsy Ninja*

      The Josie Harjo series by Catherine Sequeira – it’s a mystery series featuring a veterinary anatomic pathologist. I bought the first one awhile ago and forgot about it, then made sure I had it downloaded on my tablet for the plane ride on a recent trip. I enjoyed it so much that I bought/downloaded the second one before the return trip. For those of us in the field, the descriptions of the necropsy lab even bring back the smells.

  13. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    We just had a significant and bad-for-the-characters discovery in my D&D group. I’m not sure how we’re going to deal with this, but I’m kind of looking forward to figuring out. Basically we discovered the true identity of one of our sometimes allies, and it’s like finding out that you accidentally got yourself involved with the Mob.

    1. The gourmet cupcake*

      We found out our ally Carl notholy the cleric was evil.
      Our dm had to spell it out for us.
      Carl notholy.
      Carl Not. Holy.
      Of course the burning houses and necromancy tipped us off first.

      1. Jackalope*

        That’s kind of fun! And the DM must have enjoyed putting that together.

        I feel bad about our current situation because I feel like we should have avoided it. We knew the “ally” was unsavory, and probably should have stayed away. But she saved our lives once when we didn’t have any other options, and then left us alone for awhile. Recently she came to us and suggested another entanglement, and we knew it might be a trap but foolishly agreed. Because so far things had been fine with her and there weren’t a lot of other options. (And it was the prospect that our DM gave us, after we’d finished up another quest and were at loose ends, and it sounded like fun.)

    2. Nancy Drew*

      I’m hoping the commentariat can make some recommendations for me. I’m looking for a card game for 3 or more players that is kind of similar to Cards Against Humanity where cards are dealt and players try to come up with the best combination of cards. My understanding of CAH is that the novelty wears off once you’ve gone through the deck, so I’m hoping to find something that relies on clever word-play or scenarios rather than shock value. Apples-to-Apples has been described as a G-rated version of CAH, so I assume that game would also have limited play value once you’ve played a few times. A search for card games gave me a lot of confessional Never Have I Ever-type games, or dishing about exes, etc. which wouldn’t work for my situation, so I’m at a loss. I would be very grateful for any suggestions. Thank you!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Wise and Otherwise! On your turn you read the first half of an obscure proverb, everyone writes a second half, and then you read them out loud and everyone tries to guess the real one. I think people get points both for guessing correctly and for having their fake proverb get voted as real.

        I guess you would eventually “use up” the deck if you’re always playing with the same people but iirc there were a LOT of cards and each of them has several proverbs to choose from.

      2. The gourmet cupcake*

        Maybe happy little dinosaurs? It’s made by Unstable Games (the art is squee worthy) and you basically bid cards to avoid getting the bad scenarios.
        (Honorable mention to unstable unicorns and the new one called slay!)

        The trolley problem by cyanide and happiness is technically a card game? It’s the trolley problem, but with all sorts of different variables. You try to convince the trolley drive to NOT run you over. Better for older people, it’s got some swears and blood.

        Bold by… somebody… is a game where you try to flip over similar cards the get the most points. It’s like the matching game but on steroids. Don’t flip over too many, or you’ll lose your points for the round.

      3. Jackalope*

        I’m not familiar with all of these games but here is a link with a handful of similar games (note that most of them have the format you’re looking for but a couple don’t):

        https://theboardgamereviewer.com/games-like-apples-to-apples/#google_vignette

        Also, I *think* I played this one. If not, it was a similar idea. (It was a game that belonged to a friend so I didn’t really see the box).

        https://www.playmonster.com/product/utter-nonsense-family-edition/

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Have you actually found that CAH/A2A lose their play value or are you just guessing? I’m too (uptight? prudish? I just don’t like that style of humor) to play CAH, but I’ve been playing A2A with family and friend groups for coming on 20 years now and it has not lost its play value yet. The A2A deck has a lot more cards than CAH and it varies a lot depending on who you’re playing with – the goal is to match the answers to the individual choosing, not just a generic good answer, and that’s where the fun is.

      5. Hlao-roo*

        Have you played Codenames before? It’s not quite what you’re looking for because the players aren’t dealt the cards, but it is about coming up with a 1-word clue that applies to multiple cards, so it might keep it’s “play value” longer.

        Another suggestion that is not word-related but is “players are dealt cards and try to come up with the best combination” is Monopoly Deal. I find it much more fun than board-game Monopoly (and much faster to complete a game too).

      6. Maria*

        I did a kickstarter ages ago for a game called “Bring Your Own Book”. It played like CAH, in that there was a prompt card, but instead of being dealt a hand of cards, everyone had to look for responses/answers in a book. I have lots of books, so people didn’t have to literally bring their own book, though obviously you could do that.

        I think if you wanted you could use the prompt cards from CAH or another similar game (or make your own!) and play this game.

    3. Jay*

      Stalker II and the Path Of Exile Early Access.
      Stalker II is great, if a bit buggy sometimes. It was made in an actual active war zone, so, it’s a miracle it’s as good as it is.
      So far, other than the trouble with Steam logins for the first couple hours, POE II is more well made in Early Access than most AAA games are two months after launch.

    4. Rainy*

      We just got Horrified: Greek Monsters and it’s good fun. :) I cringe every time I see “Mount Iliad” on the board, but that’s the classicist in me. The gameplay is a little challenging at first but it makes sense once you’re doing it.

    5. Onomatopoetic*

      I just played the board game Azul again at a family party and remembered how nice it is. Something about the tactile feel of the pieces and the pretty colours makes it feel very satisfactory even if I don’t win. It’s pretty easy to learn to play, and you can use a bit of different tactics.

    6. Quinalla*

      We played Two Rooms & A Boom and Skull at our holiday party, was very fun :)

      Been playing more Against the Storm on Steam, really is a nice combo for me of building little towns, tactical play depending on how the map is and what pops up RNG wise and gaining more experience/materials to upgrade my overall character to keep progressing. I like it because their aren’t AI opponents, just the weather and effects and various events that you have to deal with. Right mix for me as sometimes I get tired of games that don’t really have an opponent (too boring) or ones with more of a real AI opponent (think Civilization or RTS where it is too much interference in the building aspect for me) Really enjoy it!

  14. Now what was I going to say?*

    This is a vent, not an actual question. Why is it that throughout the week (M-F) I think of various things to ask about on this weekend thread, but when this thread is open I can’t remember any of them?!?! For a while I was capturing my queries in a notepad file as they occurred to me during the week, but then I slacked off, and am back to zero recall. Drat. Every week I think of at least one topic that I truly want to get advice about, but they float away….. I realize that the solution is obvious, if I can just get my act together. Does this happen to anyone else?

    2. Double A*

      Every week! When I do post it usually ends up being kind of spontaneous, rarely what I was thinking about during the week.

      Although it doesn’t help that a lot of the things I think about asking about I worry would fall into the medical (recently perimenopause has been really coming for me and generating a whole lot of, “Why is my body doing *that*?” questions).

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, my brain adores playing keepaway in this manner. I just posted a question I’d been meaning to ask for over a month, easily.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Hahah this happens to me with both threads. The work thread comes up and I’m sure I had about 10,000 work questions I was drafting this week, yet I can think of none, and the same thing happens on weekends. Two factors for me: 1., I read so much advice column content that I begin to draft all life quandaries as Am I the A*shole questions (or posts here, or whatever) – but 2., sometimes I imagine the responses I would get and thus realize the question wasn’t as vital as I thought or that I already know the answer, which I guess is a feature, not a bug. I did used to keep an actual running document and pre-draft my questions, but somehow I *always* got pulled away right as the post would go up, not to return for hours and hours.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      Solidarity, something similar happens to me with conversations! I can chat easily with colleagues as long as we are doing some kind of work together, but as soon as there’s no work and it’s purely social all the topics disappear from my head and I’m left with the weather (at least we live in a four seasons in a day kind of place…)

      1. Pam Adams*

        when I see a cool book recommendation, I download a Kindle sample to remember to buy it later.

    6. Liminality*

      I have taken to sending myself text messages with reminder notes at the time I think of “the thing”.

      Also, if someone says “hey remind me to–” I schedule a pending text message to go out to them at the opportune time.

    7. tangerineRose*

      I do that too! Sometimes I remember, and sometimes I write down what I want to ask, but frequently I forget.

    8. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      All. The. Time.
      Sometimes I think “Well, it can’t have been important then.” But other times the question (or a version of it) comes back to me during the week – just to vanish again as soon as Friday evening comes around.
      Maybe one day I’ll actually post a question but meanwhile, I’ll simply keep on reading and sometimes commenting on others’.

    9. The Prettiest Curse*

      Sometimes I do write my questions for this thread in advance, but mostly I end up typing them out on my phone just before I’m about to take the dog on his Saturday walk. So no, you’re not alone!

    10. I went to school with some small number of Jennifers*

      Anything I want to remember “later”, I send myself an email and then snooze the received email to the time I’ll need to remember the thing. It really helps with the remembering. (I might still put off doing the thing, lol.) I also have an app called !RemindMe that is super fast to use and sends a reminder email…. that I often then snooze to the time.

    11. I went to school with some small number of Jennifers*

      Properly-made tea?

      Our British commentors talk about how no American can make tea right, but nobody ever says what’s right!

      So: what’s the right way to make (hot, black) tea?

    13. Hroethvitnir*

      Hahaha, YES it does! Actually more the work open thread, which I usually miss until there are too many comments anyway (not sure what time it goes up, but it always seems to be while I’m asleep here in Aotearoa).

  15. feeties*

    My husband burnt dinner last night – as in much smoke in the frying pan. Today the kitchen still smells of smoke. It’s *way* too cold to open windows and let it clear that way. Any other tricks? Do I need to wash all the walls?

      1. Hazel*

        Boiling water and vinegar on the stove or whirling around a towel soaked in it and wrung out is supposed to help. Or just leave a bowl of it out. If you don’t have an air purifier that is! Burning a scented candle might do it.

    3. strawberry lemonade*

      If you have an air purifier run that. If you have one of those under-microwave vent fans keep that running for a long time. Definitely at least wipe down all the surfaces you can see. If the frying pan is still soaking or something, get it clean or out of there.

    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      I suggest renting an ozone machine from a hardware store like Home Depot. There are some precautions, like not being in the house while it’s running (pets, too) and putting your houseplants in a room far from the kitchen and closing the door.

      1. RC*

        Oh no, as an atmospheric scientist I cannot recommend this. Especially if (as it sounds like) they can’t open the windows to ventilate after. You don’t want O3 in your lungs.

        If you really can’t open windows, I would recommend some kind of mechanical air filter if the smoke is still in the air (Corsi-Rosenthal Box is what people were making for covid/fires, but that’s very DIY), maybe with activated carbon filters to hopefully get the smells. It sounds like it might have already settled onto surfaces though— it’s likely they’ll re-volatilize over time so just keep running them. Wiping down the walls might help.

        1. Foila*

          Thank you, fellow air scientist! Ozone is bad for people on its own, and it causes particle formation – kind of like making smog in your kitchen.

          I think a filter and fan is the answer here. Corsi Rosenthal boxes are great, anything that has a hepa filter should do the job.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      If you can possibly bear it, I would open all the doors/windows in the morning and turn on the fans/etc for ten minutes or so to get fresh air into the house, then you’ll have the rest of the day to get it warm again.

    6. Hyaline*

      Open the windows anyway—I find it doesn’t take long to clear with a fan! Enjoy the, um, refreshing breeze?

    7. Jay*

      Do you have a reasonably powerful fan available?
      If you do, open the window closest to the source of the smell (it may only need to be opened a little) and point the fan so that it is blowing outward. I have a nice window fan that I use for exactly this purpose. If you don’t have something that fits in your window well, you can do things like use cardboard and/or plastic wrap to seal the gaps between fan and window frame.
      Because the fan is blowing outward, you don’t get much cold air coming in and it pulls the smoke outside.
      Hope this helps.

    8. PhyllisB*

      This sounds crazy, but it works. Get a towel sopping wet, wring it out then swirl in the air like you’re throwing a rope over a steer. This works better right when the smoke occurs, but might still work later. it’s better if you have a couple of people in different areas doing it. If that doesn’t do it try boiling some cinnamon sticks or orange peels or water with vanilla extract.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Also, I assume if you have a vent fan you ran that. if it has a removable filter take it out and wash well with soap and hot water. If you don’t, every time you turn the fan on you will smell it. Also if you have any charcoal handy it’s good for absorbing odors.

      2. Scientist*

        I literally just yesterday boiled some cinnamon sticks because of a lingering burnt smell in kitchen and was shocked at how well it worked.

    9. Cleaner*

      Wash every surface. Walls, cupboards, floors, counters. Opening windows helps but you need to remove the smoke particles from the surfaces.

    10. EngineerRN*

      In future, take the pan outside ASAP, and open the windows right away to clear the smoke.

      At this point, your best bet is still to air the house out, but now the smoke smell may have seeped into soft materials like cloth furniture or clothing, so it’s going to take a few days for it to finish airing out, even if you do turn over the air in the house.

      Any other solution that involves buying supplies isn’t going to be cheaper. You need to turn over the air in the house.

  16. MozartBookNerd*

    (Not looking for medical advice!) Do any U.S. readers have experience with the “Direct Primary Care” model for doctors?

    For years I’ve been happy with my longtime regular primary doctor; but now he’s leaving his group medical practice and starting his own Direct Primary Care practice. Overall I’m inclined to “follow” him into this but I’d just like to understand it better. As far as I can tell it’s (a) regular monthly fees to the doc, (b) which pays for more expansive attention from the doc on routine health matters, and (c) everyone gets to ignore medical insurance unless and until something more serious is required — but then who handles the insurance I wonder?

    Would love to hear anyone’s experience, thanks so much!

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      I haven’t done this, but around here it’s called Concierge Care. I believe it’s to guarantee access within a short period of time and you get 24-hour contact with someone. I don’t think it ignores insurance, though.

      1. Retirednow*

        DPC is actually not the same as Concierge care. DPC is a model or you don’t have insurance at all – you pay a monthly fee usually, and then you pay for service is rendered when you do them. Most people who have a DPC arrangement with their practice have a high deductible health plan to cover things like hospitalization.

        You also pay the full cost of labs, imaging, etc. They really only work for people who are pretty healthy and don’t anticipate a lot of specialty care or special testing.

        Concierge care is a little different and that you usually still have insurance, but you also pay a monthly or yearly fee for the services of the practice to be on call for you when you need them. I have several friends who have doctors in Concierge practices and they all have Medicare or private insurance -they pay the fee to the Concierge practice to ensure they will have a plenty of time with the doctor, and if the doctor will respond to them in the moment.

        TBH we have had One Medical for quite a while now and are pretty happy with their service even though they are owned by Amazon.. We can access telehealth 24 seven, and we have a choice of doctors to see if we need to go in person. We establish relationship with several of the doctors there so we always have someone that we know if we need to go in for something. And they’re very good about referring to outside services.

        1. Professor Plum*

          I use a DPC. And I do pay for labs and imaging, but the cash price is often lower than the billed insurance price. My doc has discount arrangements with many of those suppliers as well. Plus, depending on your insurance, you may choose to use it for those services if you our out if pocket cost is less than the cash price. When I need yo see a specialist, ENT, dermatologist, etc, I have used my insurance plan.

          I really appreciate having lengthy conversations with my DPC around my annual bloodwork to better understand all the numbers and what my trends are. I can send direct messages to my DPC when something unusual comes up and get immediate responses. Overall I’m very satisfied with this model.

      2. Clisby*

        The one practice I’m familiar with here that does concierge care does not take insurance, but will supply all the documentation for you to put in a claim with your insurance.

    2. BlueSwimmer*

      My husband followed his doctor when she went to a concierge practice that sounds like the same model you are describing. They do take insurance but also the monthly fee. It is worth it for him. He has a number of complex medical issues and his doc is a wonderful diagnostician. She is super-responsive; she answers email questions through her portal every morning and afternoon, and has times of the day when she returns phone calls. It’s been worth it for him. I still go to a regular primary care doctor because I don’t have the complicated medical needs and can put up with the lack of appointment openings since I only go once a year.

    3. SubscriptionMedical*

      Be aware that this model tends not to work well for folks with any type of real medical conditions; it typically does not include specialty care and usually has extremely limited access to testing (labs, radiology, etc). It also does not cover medication costs which are the bulk of non-emergency medical expenses for most people I know. What it does offer is more time with primary care doctors and easier ability to get appointments. Sadly, these things that most benefit people who need significant services typically not included in the service.

      Also be aware that you’ll still need to carry regular insurance or take a tax hit in some jurisdictions and any money you pay for this service does not count toward deductibles or out of pocket maximums.

    4. Deschain*

      My doctor is DPC, and as someone wirh multiple non-life threatening chronic issues that tend to frustrate regular doctors, it’s the best medical decision I’ve ever made for myself.

      Insurance – when I have blood draws in her office, the samples are couriered to a lab just the same as when I had a PCP. The lab bills my insurance as normal. When I go to a hospital for scans (CT, dexa, mammogram), the hospital bills my insurance as normal. The DPC should explain this to you fully in your first appointment.

      I pay my DPC fee annually to get a discount (use HSA funds because I have a HDHP). My doctor is available for chatting during normal business hours and for emergencies any other time if you call her office. And she routinely messages all patients with updates about her schedule, what to do for flu season, preparing for vaccines, etc. But if I’m going through an acute issue, she often checks in with me on a Sunday via the chat. If I need an appointment, I send a chat. She and her assistant discuss with me what’s going on to determine whether it should be virtual or in office. Standard virtual appointments are 15 minutes and office ones are 30. The first appointment was two hours long. I can always see her either way within a week.

      She speaks with my pharmacy and specialists (ENT, neurologist, physical therapist, etc.) to make sure they’re all working together for me. She even talked to the owner of an HBOT (oxygen therapy) clinic on my behalf.

      I’m sure not all DPC doctors are like that, but I finally feel supported by my care team for the first time in 46 years! It’s a huge relief.

    5. Generic Name*

      I feel like this model would work best for someone who starts doing it on their first job out of college and has a HDHP plan and a FSA (I think this is the correct acronym for the account that you/your employer pays into and the funds roll over and also has an investment value) where their employer contributes a hefty sum annually. So you could pay the monthly cost of the practice from either employer dollars or pre tax dollars, and so that the value of your account grows over time so that the money you paid in at 23 is there and has grown when you need it for more healthcare needs in midlife.

      As someone who was used to HMO style insurance, I was very confused about this type of insurance until a coworker explained it to me as a long game and the money you contribute early grows so later when you need it it’s there.

      I would assume it would be up to you to handle the insurance claims, which is a Byzantine system and onerous to use by design. My therapist doesn’t even accept insurance, and while I could bill insurance myself, the handful of times I tried, the claims were denied multiple times. I decided it was easier to just pay the $175 a month since I could afford it. Which is just what insurance is hoping for. I have United by the way.

    6. Throwaway Account*

      I have not heard of that model of health care. Here we have concierge doctors and almost all charge about $2,700 a year per person (not per family). Then you pay, through insurance, for all visits and tests.

      We cannot justify paying that so we just see the PA or NP or go to urgent care.

    7. MozartBookNerd*

      I get the impression that doctors move to this DPC model because they can’t stand hassling with the insurance companies. Us ordinary insured people certainly don’t like the insurance companies, and I can only imagine how dismal it is dealing with them all day long every day. And time-consuming and staff-demanding.

    8. FACS*

      if you are potentially paying for imaging and labs it is worth looking at MDsave. You put in where you live and get a regional average cost as well as pricing for local facilities. I have seen differences of as much as $300 for a MRI

  17. goddessoftransitory*

    Here’s a question I’ve been meaning to post for a while: what tool or equipment do you use that you are terrified of?

    For me it’s the mandoline slicer–so obviously thirsting for my tender fingers. And our old, cheap-ass food processor, which, if not set precisely into the cheap-ass slots would emit horrible, deafening grinding sounds.

    What are yours? They can be home tools or at The Place That Must Not Be Named.

    1. Samwise*

      Yeah, the mandoline. I’ve still got a flat-top finger. At least the scar has faded.

      A close second: garbage disposal.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I’m really glad that garbage disposal in the sink isn’t a thing here. In fact we aren’t supposed to put anything organic other than human waste and body fluids where applicable down the sink.

        I avoid using the blender, hate the noise.

        1. allathian*

          Down the sink is supposed to be in the sewer system, people don’t routinely pee in the sink here….

    2. Harlowe*

      My earring insertion taper. I cannot change my tragus or my forward helix without it, but I’m constantly dropping it, and somehow I always manage to shove the tip under my nailbed when I pick it up.

    3. Spacewoman Spiff*

      The garbage disposal!! I’m always scared I’ll encounter a possessed one and suddenly, you know, my hand will end up inside in like I’m in an R.L. Stine novel. So when I run it, I stand back with my hands tucked into my armpits for safety.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I’m glad we don’t go in for garbage disposals in the UK (and none of the houses I lived in during my time in the US had one.) I’m clumsy enough that I would probably lose a finger if I tried to use one!

        1. Spacewoman Spiff*

          Yeah, I’ve always been a little relieved when I rented an apartment and discovered there wasn’t a garbage disposal!

      2. The Body Is Round*

        I have never had a garbage disposal and I don’t want to. It’s the noise as much as the intrusive thoughts. We have a paper shredder and I can’t stand the noise of that either.

        I am reminded of the guy who does house cleaning videos on YouTube and when people ask why he washes the dishes by hand in a hoarder house when there’s a perfectly good dishwasher he says “I’m autistic and the sound of the dishwasher makes me climb the walls, so SUCK IT”.

      3. ThatGirl*

        So, I get it, but many folks are misinformed about how garbage disposals work. The vast majority do not have blades in the middle that could suddenly come on and remove a finger. They spin at high speed to force food through tiny holes on a circular mesh that are sharp (like a grater) which then goes down the drain. Much less dangerous to the human hand.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      Note for mandolin users: I use the cut-proof glove I got in a knife sharpening kit and GAME CHANGER. Do recommend.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        Yup +1000.

        Bought a glove from Microplane (their stuff is SO good), and No Mandolin Fears!

    6. Sloanicota*

      The soldering iron. It craves my flesh. It wants to burn me, and if not me, than whatever it can reach.

    7. Rara Avis*

      I don’t iron any more after a bad burn that left an inch-long scar on my arm. (My own fault — reached across the hot face of the iron, and I have poor spatial awareness.)

    8. RLC*

      Angle grinder: much quicker than using a hacksaw to cut steel fence panels and such. However, fear of flying bits of hot metal (and of grinding through skin) leads me to suit up like the Michelin Man in heavy canvas coveralls, thick leather gloves, and full face shield.

    9. Bookgarden*

      I hope this doesn’t bring back any memories if Alison happens to read this, but I have become incredibly wary of immersion blenders after reading her accident report on on this blog. I threw mine out immediately.

      This was not long after I managed to slice my hand open and get seven stitches in my thumb with a manual can opener, so I didn’t want to take any chances of a repeat incident.

      2. Samwise*

        Love my immersion blender. I’m very very careful with it — it’s a metal stick with the business end of a blender!

      3. ThatGirl*

        See I still love mine, but you cannot go anywhere near the blades while it’s plugged in. That was her mistake if I recall.

    10. Laggy Lu*

      I don’t even use them, my husband does, but usually I am around to assist – power saws. I hate them all!!

    11. Llellayena*

      Cheese graters and table saws. The cheese grater is obvious. For the table saw I think it’s that I’m maneuvering a larger piece of wood and pushing it toward the blade. Band saws and the like don’t bother me because it’s smaller pieces, more control.

      1. LBD*

        That’s really just common sense. Table saws are more risky than many other types of saws. I remember strong rules around the use and handling of it. Things like minimum width of material you were working with before you didn’t need to use a pusher tool.

      2. anonymous anteater*

        I always got along with the cheese grater until Thanksgiving when it viciously attacked three fingers of mine.

        1. Clisby*

          You mean one of those stand-up graters where you have to scrape the cheese along the holes? I much prefer the hand-cranked kind, where your fingers don’t come into contact with the holes. Google “rotary cheese grater” if you want to see examples.

    14. Jay*

      The big chop saw and a couple of chemicals that can melt skin. I’ve seen way too many horror movies where this stuff is used to dispose of bodies ;)

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      I’m scared of deep frying stuff. I’m always afraid the oil is going to explode. Especially as the oil starts to heat up and makes this faint roar: I want to stop up my ears and run out of the kitchen.

      1. Angstrom*

        I’ve been impresssed by how well a cordless reciprocating saw with a pruning blade works for smaller stuff. Much safer than a chainsaw.

    18. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      This is barely equipment, but I can’t light matches or old-school lighters. I’m too afraid of them to get a good strike.

      2. Mutually supportive*

        I was afraid of matches for ages, I lightly burnt a finger on a match when I was about 7 (lighting candles on a birthday cake), it didn’t even mark the skin.

        I point blank refused to light a Bunsen burner the whole way through secondary school.

        I always find the lighters hard to use, I don’t seem to be able to flick the dial strongly enough to get the flame on the lighter going so I do sometimes use matches now, but even in my forties I’m still wary!

        1. Nightengale*

          Won’t light a Bunson Burners Unite!

          When I learned to light one, it was with a flint thingie. That was fine
          Then I moved to a new school and we were supposed to use matches
          I wouldn’t
          Except I started doing microbiology work for my science project and needed to sterilize things and there wasn’t always someone around who could light it for me

          Finally we realized I was able and willing to use wooden kitchen matches, just not cardboard ones. Which is all I use now

          Somewhere before this realization, I found myself at an Honor Society candle lighting ceremony. The first person gave her speech and lit the first candle with a match. Then it was my turn. I had never before lit a candle with a match and it didn’t even occur to me to try then. I HAD lit candles from other candles for our menorah at Hanukkah. I picked up the lit candle and used it to light mine. It didn’t even occur to me not to have done that until I saw the subsequent speakers light their own. Oh well. Candle got lit. I didn’t have a panic episode in front of the whole audience. Win all round.

    19. Hroethvitnir*

      At this stage I’d go chainsaw. I’ve only used one a couple of times, and our one isn’t too big, but I have issues with my hands where my grip can get issues from vibration – so between that and how heavy even a light one is at arms length, it’s quite alarming!

      I really want one of the tiny tiny ones (pruning saw – I call it tiny chainsaw on a stick) for jobs just a little too much for my hedge trimmer.

    20. LBD*

      For me that would be jumper cables. I am always expecting them to spark at me, which would make me jump, and it is generally not fun!

    21. FACS*

      the autoclave at the place I go M-F. The door pops open to cool off and it sounds like a bomb exploding

      1. PostalMixup*

        Centrifuges for me. One too many poorly balanced bench tops (the 50 ml conical kind, not the microcentrifuge kind). Plus, one time I was doing an old-school plasmid prep and the floor centrifuge blew a belt right as it got up to 17k rpm. There was a flash and a bang and then smoke. I thought I’d blown up the lab!

    22. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Mandoline, I sliced my finger at first but I just used it on zucchini and onions this morning.
      I’ve learned…
      – go slow, you have more control
      – keep fingers high, don’t let them dangle near the blade
      – use the hand protector, especially with veggies that “sweat” like onions.
      – don’t worry about wasting some, attach the hand protector at the firmest point. You can always hand slice odd ends later.

      My sister sliced the tip off her finger off the first time she used one and hasn’t touched one since.

  18. Double A*

    Does anyone have tips for making Facebook usable?

    My facebook account is almost legal drinking age; I joined way back in its early days when it was just opening up to colleges. It stopped being fun years ago and is actively terrible now. I really hate how nothing is chronological and it’s clogged with ads and posts from people I don’t know and entities I don’t follow.

    However, there are many local groups that use Facebook. My kid’s school has an active facebook group, and I want to be plugged into that. How can access groups while limiting the terribleness of interacting with the Facebook algorithm? Any tips are appreciated.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I just check my notifications to see if there’s any new posts from my groups. Don’t go on the feed at all.

      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        A strong advantage of the app (over a computer browser, which is what my old self prefers) is being able to show by feed so you can hop straight to friends or groups.

        1. dapfloodle*

          I look at feeds on my computer browser (Chrome, in this case). Usually I look at the “Friends” feed, but if I want to see posts from groups as well I go to the feed called “All.” (I rarely if ever want to look only at Groups but that is indeed an available feed.) On my computer browser the feeds are in a menu on the left when I open facebook, but I know the layout isn’t universal. I have a harder time finding the feeds on the app on my phone so I don’t do much facebooking on my phone since I’d rather see things in at least a semi-chronological way.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      On desktop, I cannot recommend FB Purity (https://www.fbpurity.com/) highly enough. I set up a monthly donation to the developer. It reorders your Feed and Notifications in chronological order, and has a ton of other customizations, including hiding “Sponsored” posts.

      On mobile it’s not as easy. I’ve been hiding all posts from every advertiser or unrelated page I find as long as I can remember, and so I only see them every few months, and then it usually takes me just a couple of days of “pruning” to get back to being ad-free. But IMO it’s worth it.

      2. Rara Avis*

        Interesting — I have better luck on my phone seeing my feed in “most recent” order. On my computer the order is so random.

      4. sswj*

        Another vote for FB Purity! You can really pare down what you see on the page, turn off things like live video, there’s even a whitelist of sorts that allows you to block posts with certain words or phrases. It’s magical for my sanity!

      5. English Rose*

        Thank you! For various reasons I need to go back on FB after a number of years and have been trying to remember the name of FB Purity. Everything I remember is it’s a sanity-saver!

    3. Alex*

      I also use FB exclusively for a couple of groups, for exactly the reasons you mention. I’m sad that I now constantly miss interesting things from my actual friends, but…it is what it is.

      I basically just go directly to the page for the group, then scroll down the feed until I find wherever FB has stuck the “Most relevant” dropdown menu, and change it to “New Posts.” I can then see posts in the group in chronological order.

      And I ignore everything else. FB sucks big time now.

    4. Sloanicota*

      It’s actually awful now, even just the interface (at least on desktop); it’s got buggy notification systems and way too much spam/ad posts. Also I had to start using it for work’s account, and there’s apparently no way around this, so I can’t even log in without being pulled into work stuff, and recommended work-like accounts, so it’s just no fun. It throttles accounts to try and get you to pay, so it won’t show me the few things I actively followed and want to see. Just use the groups function and then log off, is my opinion.

    5. Pam Adams*

      Before I abandoned Twitter, I stuck p to checking only my chosen accounts by using the search function.

      1. WorkNowPaintLater*

        I’ve started doing this same thing with Facebook – most of the time it’s the only way I see if any family has posted any updates anymore. The actual feed is like what everyone else has said – ads and pages I’ve never signed up for.

    6. Pocket Mouse*

      I use a Facebook container tab on my laptop and keep the one group page I care about open. Group pages can be set to chronological, either by the group admin as default, or by the viewer on a session by session basis. If you have multiple groups to check, maybe keep them saved as bookmarks?

    7. MissGirl*

      I make sure to like posts from people and groups I want to see. The more you engage with something, the more it shows. I also unfollow but am still part of groups I want to check in on but don’t want filling my feed. I use notifications for important groups. People are also posting less so you might not be missing stuff

    8. Not your typical admin*

      Same here. It seems all my kids activity groups use Facebook, and most things I get invited to come through Facebook events. I spent some time cultivating my algorithm and it seemed to make a difference. Blocking adds I don’t like, intentionally engaging with people and groups I want to see more of.

      I do wish there was a better option – especially for events. There were several events recently that I almost missed because I didn’t get a notification.

    9. *daha**

      There is a way to sort to showing newest posts first. From your desktop’s browser, look in the left column for “Feeds”. You will probably have to click on See More to expand the list to get to it, but after you use it enough times it will stick to the visible column. Within that you can leave it on All, or select Favorites, Friends, Groups, or Pages. I also run an ad blocker so I end up getting a fairly clean display of just the people/groups/pages I have liked, and none of the extras the algorithm throws in.
      In the android app, Feeds is the symbol next to the notifications bell.

    10. PhyllisB*

      It may be too late for this to be read, but my problem with Facebook is showing photos. (On my phone it’s fine) but on my computer…example: I want to wish one of my kids Happy Birthday and I want to post a photo with it. If I do it from my phone no problem but on computer the only option it gives is to tag. I’m not really sure how that works. The other problem is photos in general. On my computer there are photos I’ve posted ever since I had Facebook, when I use Facebook from my phone I can only get photos that are in my camera roll. My phone got stolen a couple of years ago and I lost all those old photos.
      Right now when I want to share older photos I pull up on the computer, and snap a photo with my phone but the photo quality isn’t very good when I do that. (The phone makes fairly good photos, it’s just snapping one from a computer screen doesn’t translate well.) Does anyone have advice?

  19. Catagorical*

    Joys thread, large or small?

    Unusually nice weather and went for a hike and managed the longer trail today.

    1. Clara Bowe*

      I bought a whole cake from a bakery and I do NOT regret it.

      Also, I have two warm cats on my lap and a soft blanket. <3

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        A whole delicious cake AND cats AND a blanket? You are living the dream, my friend! : )

      2. Might Be Spam*

        I bought an angel food cake, intending to freeze it. Oops, no room in the freezer. Too bad, I guess I’ll just have to eat it. I’ll defrost some strawberries to go with it and make a little room in the freezer for next time.

      1. Just Moi*

        Ooooo. Love the first fire of the season. Just dug out the cozy blankets and made Market Spice tea. Winter is here – or at least on its way.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Got a new mattress! Unfortunately the joy is mixed, since Husband is having trouble getting used to it and Peanut spends the night climbing over us.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          He finally settled down a bit tonight (on top of me) but when he goes to the vet Tuesday I want kitty Benadryl for his itchies–the added bonus being it will hopefully make him sleep through the night!

      2. AnonAnon*

        We got a (second) new mattress yesterday! First one was awful but the company took it back no problem. Whew. It was such a nice night’s sleep last night.

    6. BellaStella*

      I made a photo book online of pics from a vacation this year with cousins and posted it to them and they love it! Made me so happy! And cozy cooking of cookies, vin chaud (hot spice wine), lunch out with friends, and holiday markets.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      The more sociable of our skittish foster cats is in love with my partner. She only seeks affection if he’s around (never when I’m home alone), and has recently started sitting on his lap and letting him hug her. I considered getting head bumps from her a huge win already, but yesterday, she let me hug her for the first time.

    8. Le le lemon*

      – I went to the funeral of someone lovely, and heard many wonderful stories about them, including things I didn’t know!
      – I carved out time to try new recipes; roasted cauliflower (with olive oil, ground coriander cumin powder, paprika) was the surprise yum I didn’t expect.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This morning’s entertainment: my elder dog buried her nose in the sofa and fussed at my husband to get out the bone she was positive had fallen in there. Her bone sense is never wrong, so he rolled up his sleeve and reached in. He pulled out 14 bones and toys before he got to the one she actually wanted, and it was a hilarious show.

      1. GoryDetails*

        OK, that’s delightfully hilarious! (No bones for me, but something similar with lost cat toys; it’s amazing how many I’ve dug out from cushions, behind the couch, under the fridge, etc…)

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I just now realized that my (very recent) son-in-law’s texts to me have ending punctuation. As do mine! We can be a little island of “but a period goes here” together.

    11. allathian*

      I got a haircut! My hair had grown almost to my waist and I was getting sick of trying to maintain it. Now it’s a bit past my shoulders, like before the pandemic, but with one crucial difference, no bangs/fringe! I grew that out during the lockdowns.

      1. allathian*

        My hair grows really fast, about an inch every two months, and while I’ve had a few haircuts after March 2020, they were mostly to remove split ends.

    12. Generic Name*

      I don’t know if this counts as a joy necessarily, but it did make me giggle. I decided to bring my childhood teddy bear home from my parents. I’m 45, and bless my mother for holding onto it for 30 years. It has never been washed, so I decided to wash it. Put it in a garment bag and washed it on delicate in the washer. Didn’t really seem any cleaner, so I decided he needed a bath. I used his paws and feet to scrub his head and body and I giggled the whole time because it looked like he was scrubbing himself.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I bought a pound of homemade cookies from the nearby church’s fundraising sale and a couple of irreverent holiday hand-towels that my late husband would have hated.

    14. chocolate muffins*

      I have been enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers all week. They are mostly gone now but most of those same delicious foods will be making a re-appearance at Christmas and I am excited!

    16. epicdemiologist*

      My eldest kid just finished an absolutely glorious run as Hamlet (small professional theater).

    17. Rose is a rose is a rose*

      I made a delightful wreath from the plum tree prunings! A vibrant rich green. Made a honeysuckle one also but the puppy got too interested so had to take a break.

    18. The Dude Abides*

      Had a blast volunteering with my daughter’s dance company for their annual Nutcracker show.

      – Got to meet a lot of the fellow dads when hauling all the props and decor across town
      – While working “security” for the cast/crew entrance, got reverse uno’d when one of the adult cast members recognized me from the local YMCA

      For it being our first “big” show with the company, all three of us were welcomed with open arms by the other dancers and parents. There’s been some drama among the various companies, so I’m glad that we’ve found one that has an aura of positivity all around.

    19. I take tea*

      I missed Beetlejuice Beetlejuice when it came in the theatres and was delighted to see it pop up in “new releases” in our streaming service.

    20. dapfloodle*

      Went on an overnight trip to one of the nearby large cities and we were able to get everything done that we planned (basically just a tiny bit of shopping, a bit more eating, and going to a specific weird film); got home and are happy to cuddle with our cats.

  20. Alex*

    Warning for talk about body weight.

    I hope this isn’t too close to asking for medical advice, because I’m not looking for actual medical advice, but rather, how do I know what to ask of the doctor?

    I have a check up scheduled next week, and I want to talk to my doctor about my weight. I’ve gained so. much. weight. in the past 3 years, when I was already overweight to begin with. I want to bring it up and ask for help (because trying to lose weight on my own has definitely not worked!), but I’m not exactly sure what to ask for. Do I ask for a referral to a specialized doctor, or…what? I’m not really sure what I want to happen, but I really am struggling and need to change. What I don’t want is just my doc to say, well, you need to eat less and move more. I *know* that, but I clearly can’t seem to eat less than I burn no matter how hard I try.

    Has anyone had success bringing this up with their doctor and actually getting some substantial help? Weirdly, even though I’ve been significantly overweight my entire life, my doctors have always just shrugged it off.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I know you weren’t looking for medical advice but a ton of the comments turned into that, including advice on specific medications, which isn’t something I can responsibly host here, so I’ve moved the replies and am closing the thread.

  21. PhyllisB*

    I wanted to thank all of you for making me so aware of food allergies and how isolating they can be.
    I’m ashamed to admit I used to be one of THOSE PEOPLE who didn’t really believe in food allergies except for nuts. That’s what I grew up hearing; people were too picky, ect. I got past that years ago but I still never thought about how hard it could be to negotiate life like that.
    There’s a woman in our ladies group at church who has multiple food allergies and every time we have a gathering she either has to eat before she comes or bring her own food. I didn’t want her to have to do that at our Christmas party so I asked her to tell me what she could/couldn’t eat so I could make something she would be able to eat, and more importantly, something she would ENJOY. (I remecmber all these posts about vegetarians being presented with grilled portobello mushrooms when they hate mushrooms.) I knew she couldn’t eat regular cheese, (cream cheese okay) tomatoes, and nuts so I told her to give me a list of everything she couldn’t eat and after she did that I sent her my ideas and got her okay. She was so thankful but kept telling me I didn’t have to do that because she was used to it. I told her I wanted her to enjoy the party as much as the rest of us.
    If you’re interested in what I’m taking, it will be Sausage Pinwheels (super easy. Three ingredients. The other is Sugar Cookie Bars with peppermint frosting.
    If you’re interested in recipes, the pinwheels is from Allrecipes and the cookies are in the Christmas issue of The Pioneer Woman magazine. I’ll let y’all how they go over.

    1. tangerineRose*

      That’s so thoughtful! I’ve always been a picky eater, but it’s not that I’m trying to be picky. The problem is that some textures, smells, tastes make me feel nauseated.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I was intensely like that until my late teens. Somehow, some of it eased later on, but I still have a number of big nope foods people don’t expect. I used to be that person no one wanted to eat with or cook for, and because of that, OP’s line “I wanted her to enjoy the party as much as the rest of us” is my approach to everyone who comes to eat at my house, no matter their preferences.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Speaking as someone with a lot of food sensitivities, thank you — that is SO sweet of you to do!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I appreciate this post, because in the past few years I have really come to appreciate how people change All The Time.

      I still remember a Mexican restaurant whose vegetarian option was cold tortillas with sliced raw mushrooms and lettuce. Why?!

    4. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Thank you so much! This is how it’s done, and such a wonderful way to make sure she feels included in the party. Signed, a vegetarian who hates portobello mushrooms :)

  22. catscatscats*

    I’m sure nobody has forgotten the potato divinity candy story…today on tiktok I saw that a creator I follow, Danielle Kirk, posted her recipe for, you guessed it, potato candy!! I about fell over! It’s a real thing, made nothing like the description in our original story, but it looks good!

    1. Six Feldspar*

      I saw Dylan Hollis do a vid on it a couple of years ago – he was very suspicious but pleasantly surprised!

      1. Elsie Aitch*

        We made this in Home Ec class 40 (40!!!) years ago, it’s really good! Like a Scottish macaroon bar, if anyone has ever had one. Must dig put the recipe…

      2. epicdemiologist*

        Dylan Hollis is a TREASURE. If you haven’t seen Shiadanni/The Glam Kitchen, you might also enjoy her. (Like Dylan, she is a musician moonlighting as a cook/comedian.)

    2. PhyllisB*

      Oh yes, it’s real. Especially in the South. I loved it as a child so a couple of years ago I tried making it for my grandchildren. They were…underwhelmed. I ate some and I had forgotten how SWEET it is!! Made my teeth hurt!! Guess I’ll retire that recipe.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Whoooo boy. May the odds ever be in your favor. That’s a crappy job.
      Listen to people before you bring out the citation book. Have compassion for people going through hard times. Rally the community to help, not tattle, on people.
      Know the difference between nice to have and real issues. Don’t get in a battle over petty things.
      Watch John Oliver’s piece on HOAs for what not to do.
      Be transparent about budget, keep up on maintenance (don’t be a Surfside Condos!) and have an emergency fund.

    2. Liminality*

      Find and review in depth the most recent reserve study. Be realistic about the upcoming needs of the community and take steeps to ensure the reserve us fully funded. Remember, the homes in the property were all built at roughly the same time, so things will begin wearing out in all the homes at roughly the same time. (e.g. roofs, siding/stucco, common sidewalks, etc…) gotta be prepared with the necessary savings or forever be chasing the ball trying to catch up and special assessments suck.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Focus on things that actually benefit residents, like safety features, road repairs, etc and leave people alone about individual aesthetic stuff.

    5. Anono-me*

      I was on an HOA board. Here is what I would do, if I ever was on one again:

      Don’t give out your personal phone number or email. Get a cheap cell/free Google # and separate email.

      Find out if the HOA bylaws and insurance protect the Board members from liability for good faith activity. (I would resign without it.)

      Don’t have HOA meetings in your home. (Many churches and schools rent out rooms to local groups at low cost.)

      Set up a 25 year plan for maintenance and then try to get a budget for it.

      Try to find a good management company.

      Require a payment plan ASAP if people start skipping payments. Work with a lawyer to make sure that in the event of bankruptcy, death, tax seizure or foreclosure that the association is able to collect. HOA fees are high enough, many people will have a hardship paying extra to subsidize someone else. Be as kind with the actual plan, but be super strict about requiring one. (We had were informal about a payment plan in a hardship situation and it got very ugly and very expensive. )

      Remind people ridiculously regularly that HOA insurance only covers HOA stuff, and that they need personal insurance for personal property and some interior stuff.

      Be prepared to hear incredibly petty complaints.

      If your HOA allows rental, look into some sort HOA permit for rental requirement. At a minimum, I would have three rules: 1. Find out what the percentage of rental units is where mortgage companies and the VA either wont loan or charge more. Then cap the number of permit levels below that. 2. Make the landlord owner argree to pay any damages or fines incurred by the tenant or their guests (Gov. subsidized housing doesn’t like to do this here, without them signing up for it, it can become a problem for HOAs atleast in our local.) 3. Have some sort of structure in place to revoke the permit is people are causing problems for others.

      Look into the reasons behind some of the more ridiculous stories about HOA rules. Unfortunately many of them were in response to ridiculous behavior by homeowners. (For example: the no flags rule. Many people want to fly the American Flag. Why should HOAs have silly rules against it? The rule is because the courts have consistently ruled that because of ‘Freedom of Speech’ that HOAs must allow any flag, including hateful ones, if they allow the American Flag. Easier to put up an Association American Flag and not allow personal flags.)

    7. Reba*

      I am one. My sympathies. My association is small (only nine units) and my other board members are better suited to the work than I am, so we manage.
      My advice is to avoid gossip to stay neutral. It’s helpful to know, for example, that neighbors A & B despise each other, but I really don’t need to understand all the chapters in their lengthy history to make decisions about repointing a brick wall or whatever.

    8. Chaordic One*

      Make sure the people responsible for the HOA file its tax returns on time. Even if it HOA doesn’t owe any actual taxes (and it is most likely it won’t), it can get hit with Late Filing Penalties if it doesn’t file the returns on time. Ask me how I know. The situation can get quite bad if the tax returns haven’t been filed for several years in a row.

    9. LBD*

      Our group has someone who is very good at chairing meetings, keeping them moving and fairly civil. We realised that there was nothing that made it a requirement for the president to oversee the meeting, so they would come to the meeting and sort of . . . outsource? . . . that part of it.
      Have a specific procedure for communication. Again, for us, all formal communication must be in writing, either on paper and dropped off with a council member, or emailed to the community email address. In-person chat is just casual neighbourhood conversation and not actionable. Kept us from having to remember details, and being bombarded with complaints from the cranky few who liked to complain. (Wait, we didn’t get a letter of complaint from suite 213 this month, does anyone know if they are okay??!?) Sort of a life balance thing, not having to always be dealing with homeowner stuff in your spare time.

    10. Haven't posted in years*

      Make sure that you are keeping a close eye on deposits & withdrawals. Never take someone else’s word for it when it comes to finances. Make a list and check on something different every week/month so that nothing falls through the cracks and do regular walk/drive-throughs. You’d be amazed at how easy it is for things to fall off your radar. Best of luck!

  24. Bluebell Brenham*

    Travel recs for Yosemite and Calistoga, please! Sometime in 2025, a group of 4 is hoping to make a trip- me, my friend and her husband, and another friend of theirs. Other friend is super interested in Yosemite. I’ve proposed a few days after or before in Calistoga. Most likely months are April or Sept. None of us want to camp, and 2 people can’t walk more than 30 mins. 2 people coming from WA and 2 from New England. Tell me about short walks, where to eat, and potential cool things along the route from airport to near Yosemite. Thanks!

    2. Grits McGee*

      Not sure which way you’re coming from, but when I worked in Yosemite 10 years ago people were big fans of the Yosemite Bug Resort in Midpines. It has a cafe and spa, and it’s a great place to meet locals in the off season.

      If you are near a Rancho San Miguel grocery store during your travels, GO! I still fantasize about the one in Merced, that baked all of their own pastries, butchered their own meat, made their own tortillas and tortilla chips, and had an onsite cafe with ceviche, salsa, and agua fresca bars.

      Also- I would definitely recommend doing Yosemite in April over September. The vegetation is still lush and green from snowmelt and the waterfalls will be flowing. In September things are dried out, and both the park employees and the land itself are kind of depleted from the huge summer crowds. The only reason to pick September over April would be if you really wanted to visit the high country.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I love waterfalls, but also want to see Redwoods if possible. I need to do a bit more research, but it seems that the shuttle into Mariposa grove won’t be open in April.

    3. I went to school with some small number of Jennifers*

      Which airport will you be using? It matters, for your last question.

    4. is the math right ?*

      There are plenty of easy (short. flat) walks, sometimes labelled as wheelchair accessible (I cannot attest to how usable they are to actual wheelchair users tho) near the visitor stations. The rangers are very good at helping visitors identify routes that match specific abilities/limitations.

    5. litprof*

      If you can, plan to go in April (or May), not September. The likelihood of fires in September is just way too high. A friend of mine planned a Calistoga honeymoon in September a few years ago, and had to cancel it because fires were raging near by. Even if the fires aren’t near you, they can ruin the air quality and put a damper on your trip.

      If you’re open to a splurge, make a reservation for brunch at Auberge du Soleil. Request a table on their outdoor deck/terrace – they have some of the best views in the entire Napa Valley.

  25. Isabel Archer*

    Re the book recommendation… I *loathed* the protagonist (if she can even be called that) and every choice she made. But I did finish it, and there are some truly LOL sentences in there.

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m on the fence about reading All Fours, because I read No One Belongs Here More Than You years ago and thought it was trying too hard to be original. But it did have a few short stories I really enjoyed, especially the final and longest one. So maybe one day I’ll get round to this one! (she said, with over 100 books already on her to-read list).

    2. Mia*

      I hated the protagonist and the book so much and didn’t get past the first part. I’m also not into reading books with super unlikeble protagonists.

    3. Sloanicota*

      it was a great discussion for our book club. Some people really, really strongly disliked it. They are very dutiful, conscientious people, so this artist-type person neglecting some responsibilities and wasting money didn’t sit right with them. Others just found it a bit gross. Weirdly, the person I know who loved it the most was the only dude in the group, a middle aged dad.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      I liked The First Bad Man and therefore downloaded All Fours as an advanced reading copy. But after reading Emma Copley Eisenberg’s review of July’s new book and its fatphobia–for an author trying hard to be original, as July certainly does, that is a really tired trope–I am going to give it a hard pass.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m partway through and the writing is spellbinding, even as I wish the protagonist would slip and fall on a banana peel.

  26. Broken scones*

    Does anyone have any resources/experience/advice for caring for a Deaf pet? A friend of mine recently rescued a Deaf pit bull who was neglected by previous owners. The poor thing is very timid for obvious reasons, and I’d like to provide some links or advice for my friend. Thanks to anyone who responds!

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      Oh, boy, I used to be a state coordinator for ESRA (English Springer Rescue America) and we definitely had some resources on that. I think any large rescue, or if you google rescues specifically for deaf dogs, would be helpful. The most important thing is not to startle the dog, so if the dog is sleeping, to wake them up don’t touch them, but stamp your feet on the floor instead. We had a dog that got quite hard of hearing later in life and learned that when she went out at night, if we flicked the outdoor light on and off it was time to come in. A deaf dog should NEVER be off leash when not in a house or a secure yard, since there is no good way to recall them. And dogs can learn sign language! If the dog is good with other dogs, having a confident, relaxed dog around will help the deaf dog feel more secure as it watches the other dog’s cues.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My Elder Statesdog Gone Beyond lost most of her hearing due to age, and was also going into dementia and having vision troubles at the same time, rather than being born deaf, so my experience may be different in ways, but – as far as the hearing part goes, we were always really careful to not sneak up on her, especially when she was asleep. I would do things like knock on a table or the floor so she would notice the vibrations. We had linked our basic commands with hand signals from the jump, so a finger pointing up still meant “sit” and a finger pointing down still meant “lay down” and an open palm (like a stop sign) still meant “wait”, just like it always had.

    3. Zephy*

      General advice about deaf dogs: Don’t sneak up on them. Remember that they can’t hear you coming, so don’t come up behind them and touch them – come around to their line of sight and make sure they can see you before you touch. If there will be children in the home, this needs to be drilled into them or someone WILL get bit and it will not be the dog’s fault.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      That’s so nice of your friend! I would call around to local trainers to see who has experience with training deaf dogs. Training together is a great bonding experience for all new rescues and their owners and gets them on the same page/same language faster.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      My mom used to do hospice fostering, and often had deaf dogs in her care. If they’re not also blind, she would make sure to always approach from an angle where the dog could see her. Most of them also responded well to stomping on the floor. The one who was deaf, blind, and had dementia was actually able to recognize by scent-Mom would approach her with a strongly-scented treat to get her attention without startling her. (Freeze dried salmon treats stink to high heaven, fyi!)

    6. I just really can’t think of a name*

      Our neighbors had a lot of success using a vibrating collar with their Deaf dog. (It was NOT a shock collar – more like a phone vibration.) They used it as a way of getting the dog’s attention and then had a few commands for which they used hand signals. I’m not sure if a very timid dog would find the vibration too scary. (Their dog was born Deaf and they got her dog as a puppy, so the vibrating collar was essentially the equivalent of saying her name.)

      1. LBD*

        I knew someone with a deaf white great dane (apparently in some dog breeds deafness goes along with white or white markings) who used a vibrating collar to get the dog’s attention. Hit the remote, the dog was trained to look for them, and at that point they could recall the dog. She was very well trained and behaved, and had excellent recall in off-leash areas.
        My spaniel went deaf fairly suddenly in late middle age, and was depressed for a while, until he realised that we weren’t ignoring him, we were just communicating with him differently. We used lots of different hand signals, and he adjusted well once he realised what was going on. It helped that we had used hand signals for a few things before he went deaf.
        I wish your friends good luck with their dog, and the dog confidence once they realise that they can understand how to understand what is wanted from them!

    7. Bella Ridley*

      I don’t have any experience myself, but an anecdote: friends of mine had a dog that went deaf quite early in life, and they discovered that being VERY heavy-footed around the house actually worked in their favour. They were just heavy walkers and the vibrations through the house let their dog keep tabs on them since he couldn’t hear them talking in another room. Just a successful coincidence.

    8. sprinkles*

      My dog lost his hearing later in life and has never figured out vibrations or stomping unless you are 2 inches from him. He also likes to hide under blankets and beds so I put an apple tag on him to locate him inside the house when I can’t find him. Highly recommend.

    9. Broken scones*

      Thank you to everyone who replied! I’ve shared your guidance/advice with my friend and he greatly appreciates it.

  27. Cats and Gross Meds*

    Any advice on how to get a cat to take metronidazole? I have a two week, twice daily liquid course to get him through. I’m hoping for your tips and tricks I wouldn’t have thought of.

    Last time I tried two methods:
    -Wrapping him in a towel and syringing it into his mouth. This stressed him out and wasn’t effective, he threw it back up after foaming
    -Mixing it into his normal food. This didn’t stress him out, and was effective, but took an hour per meal of cajoling him to eat

    I am (probably wishful thinking) hoping for tips for any methods that won’t stress him out, are effective, and are faster!

    1. tangerineRose*

      Will the pharmacy add a flavor to it? That can help a bit.

      Some cats love baby food that’s made of chicken, turkey, etc. You’d want to check the ingredients to make sure they’re cat-safe, but mixing that with the meds might work if your kitty likes that.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep. This is how I got my elderly cat to eat her meds; mix it with a liquid high value treat, like those churu, in flavors she’d never had before like shrimp and scallops (she was most strongly drawn to fishy flavors). The strong flavor of the food concealed the bad medicine pretty well, apparently, as she happily ate even the ones my vet warned me about. The downside is you can’t be as precise about the dosing/timing, although usually she would come running and eat all of it out of the little dish. But it was better for both of us than me trying to squirt her multiple times a day.

      2. Cats and Gross Meds*

        I don’t know if my vet’s office could, but if I have to do another round of this I’ll ask them about having a pharmacy add a flavor.

        I’ll check out the baby food aisle next time I get out!

        1. Roland*

          Ask them about compounding pharmacies – I don’t know what meds they do and don’t work with but they have been great for my cats on occasion. They’ll do any flavor and format for the meds they handle.

    2. Roland*

      Maybe try pill form instead? Not always an option ofc but maybe it is. My cats love “pill pockets” treats which makes pills much easier than liquid.

      1. Cats and Gross Meds*

        He can’t do pill pockets unfortunately, he doesn’t understand he’s supposed to eat them, they’re just a nice smelling weirdly small toy.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Hard tablets can be crushed and mixed into wet food if they aren’t bitter. That’s how we give Peanut cat his thyroid and prednisone meds.

        1. Cats and Gross Meds*

          I can do that successfully with most meds (prednisolone handshake), but the metronidazole is the worst thing in the world, apparently.

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      There are different syringe methods. The most effective/least dangerous one in our household is to pull back the cheeks, wait for the cat to open its mouth, and shoot it in as far back as possible. None of this deep into the cheek pockets business. That could help with the stress, at least, and worth trying if there’s a time you need it to be over quickly.

      1. Cats and Gross Meds*

        Good to know! I will check out some syringing vids and see what looks best. It seems like bypassing his tongue is a good idea, but I worried that squirting into the back of his throat would make him gag.

        1. WS*

          I dosed my elderly cat this way for nearly 4 years, and it turns out that cats don’t really gag on liquid (in fact, no animals have a gag reflex as bad as humans do). He was a deeply suspicious boy by nature, and would not accept adulterated treats or foods, no matter how I tried it.

    5. Marceline the Vampire Queen*

      Does your cat like the treats that come in tubes? I’ve heard them called cat gogurts, but I call them goo tubes/fish goo. You could squeeze out a small amount and mix the meds into that dollop.
      Otherwise, same idea but with canned tuna/other fish.

    6. Cats and Gross Meds*

      The churro was a great idea! Unfortunately it didn’t work past two bites. I think even with the whole tube, it wasn’t diluted enough. Then I mixed the rest of the churro+med into some normal food, and that also made it two bites before he recognized the untrustworthy churro flavor. I had the best success with mixing the meds into his normal food (a large amount, so it’s diluted) and just cajoling again, sigh.

      I’m thinking of trying to dilute the meds with water and syringing that into his mouth. Had anyone had luck with that approach? Of course, one of his symptoms is nausea, so this may just make him throw up…

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I would definitely look into having it flavored, maybe something sweet? That’s supposed to disguise bitterness and he won’t have associations with it like with fish or such.

          1. Cats and Gross Meds*

            I did a bit of research and apparently cats can’t taste sweet, but fat or salt may also work to counteract bitterness. My next attempt will be mixing the medicine with a bit of cat-safe oil and a tiny, cat-safe amount of salt before mixing it into his food.

            1. Ha*

              The fish oil that pet stores sell may work for you. It’s pretty powerfully flavoured – one or two pumps in food is the normal dose for shiny coat and that makes my cat go nuts for it – so it might do the trick. Plus it will get some calories and fatty acids into your cat.

        2. Imtheone*

          Cats can’t taste sweet. If they eat something sweet like vanilla ice cream, they are attracted to other tastes like umami.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        There’s definitely at least one anti-nausea medication that can be rubbed inside the ear, if nausea is also happening unrelated to the gross meds!

    7. Seashell*

      I was once cat sitting for my parents, who were away on vacation, and one of the cats was on a liquid medicine. I had no luck getting her to take it and had to take her to the vet, where they said to basically straddle her and all but sit on her and get it in. The cat was not a fan, but it got done.

    8. Mango*

      Can the pharmacy make it into a transdermal gel? We’ve done that with various meds and applied it to the cat’s ear with good success.

      1. Khaleesi*

        we did the same thing with our cat who will just drool uncontrollably if you try to give him anything by mouth. his thyroid levels have stabilized so it seems to be working.

    9. mreasy*

      Can your vet recommend a compounding pharmacy that can make a skin absorption formula? Then you just rub on his ears. I had to do this with a thyroid kitty who just wouldn’t keep down the meds in any form.

  28. Anax*

    Any advice on getting through jury duty? Security is apparently quite strict, and if I can’t do *something* with my hands, it’s going to be a lot more unpleasant.

    Hand-sewing needles, scissors, and nail files are explicitly banned; I asked if my wooden size 0 DPNs for sock-knitting would be ok – they’re like pencils, but WAY flimsier! – and they said they couldn’t make any promises. Oof.

    Voir dire is Monday, and if I’m selected, it’ll be all day on Monday through Wednesday.

    I’m someone who can’t get through a meeting without a craft in my hands, and doodling sounds less-than-ideal for a three-day trial. (Not to mention that while knitting seems potentially-acceptable while listening, something more ‘visible’ might be more of a problem in court.)

    Any smart ideas from the commentariat, so my brain doesn’t melt out my ears? I’m planning to bring a few books for voir dire, but I’m at a loss for the rest.

    1. The gourmet cupcake*

      Does it have to be a craft? Would soft clay or a fidget toy work? What about an adult coloring book of foreign language workbook?
      If you have origami paper, that’s always a nice one. Bring along a sketchbook for one of the days, maybe draw your fellow jurors.
      Fingers crossed your brain makes it through jury duty!

      1. Anax*

        Aha! A coloring book sounds perfect; thank you, you’re a lifesaver. I’m not usually a huge coloring person, but for this… it’ll be a really good break when I need to sit and absorb what I’ve been reading.

      1. Anax*

        I’ve never been able to get those to work without something to tape them to, but maybe! I’ll see what I can rustle up; thank you!

        1. Roland*

          Classic is “safety pin to your pants” but since you probably don’t want to do that in a courtroom, I’ve used a very strong clipboard with success before.

    3. Joyce*

      Wish I could help, but I can’t imagine a judge letting you knit or do any other craft while sitting on a jury. It may help you concentrate (as doodling does for me), but others may instead interpret it as you not paying attention.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        Knitting through a trial, in particular, might come over as a bit Tale of Two Cities, however much that’s not the intention.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      Colouring in book, to do lists, plaiting of threads, stress ball, blu tac modelling. But, it might be an idea to disclose any diagnosis, or potential diagnosis in case this just isn’t suitable for you.

    5. Manders*

      If you are knitting, sketching, making friendship bracelets, etc during the actual voir dire process, you will not be selected. The attorneys on both sides will want people who seem to want to be there, and not everybody has gotten the message that different brains work in different ways. They will likely interpret your fidgeting as disinterest. I guess that’s one way to avoid jury duty :). (I’ve served twice on very interesting cases and I loved jury duty).

      1. Abigail*

        It isn’t necessarily a matter of different brains working differently. I fully understand some people need to fidget to absorb.

        I don’t like the visual distraction of knitting and other crafts in meetings and important discussions. Long ago I decided this was a Me Problem and I never bring it up. But recently I noted that people who knit or craft publicly think this is a neutral activity. I’m sorry, but it’s not.

        Knitting or other crafts can be distracting and, frankly, annoying. This actually doesn’t have anything to do with not understanding how brains work. It has everything to do with an equally valid preference.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Maybe for you, but it’s actually pretty common that people just assume that fiddling = incapable of paying attention.

      2. Anax*

        It’s my first time on jury duty, I may have the terminology incorrect, but they explicitly *told* us to bring books, phones, laptops, etc. to occupy ourselves while waiting to be considered.

        My partner was sitting around for about six hours without ever having an attorney speak to him – that’s the part which I’m expecting to be most tedious, plus the 90 minute lunch break, and any other downtime.

        (I’m expecting a very simple, open-and-shut case, too, given that it’s only three days – my money is on a simple DUI or petty theft case, knowing our area. It’s a very quiet town.)

        1. CourtRules*

          Interesting. The courthouses around here do not allow phones or laptops or other electronic devices in the building (I don’t know if they make exceptions for preapproved lawyers or judges etc). I live about 3 blocks from a courthouse and the local businesses do a brisk trade in holding phones for folks (they charge $5 per hold; if you rescue the phone during a lunch break you have to pay again). All of the courthouses have metal detectors and airport-style scanning machines for bags at the entrances.

          The holding room is the only place we were allowed to use any non-digital items when I was last called, but I believe they allowed crafts without pointy ends so long as they could be quickly and easily stashed into a bag if you were called in. We were told nothing of ours would be allowed out of the bag outside of the holding room; if needed paper and pens for note taking would be provided by the court but we were warned they should be reserved for discretely noting key points and we should not be seen writing very often. We were meant to be (and look like) we were paying attention.

        2. Manders*

          We definitely could bring electronics for use in the holding room (waiting to be selected for voir dire) or for use during breaks of the trial. But once in the actual courtroom use of any of that was not allowed. And they took our phones from us when we went to deliberations.

          1. Clisby*

            That’s how it’s been the 3 times (3 different states) when I was called. You could play on your phone in the holding room, but it had to be turned off in the courtroom. In one case, the bailiff told us this OVER and OVER. Of course, we entered the courtroom for voir dire, and almost immediately some clueless woman’s cellphone rang. The bailiff confiscated it, and when we all took a lunch break, she was held back to be chewed out by the judge.

    6. sswj*

      Do you need to have something productive to do or will anything ‘handsy’ work?

      My thoughts, off the top of my head:
      – Put on loose-ish rings. You can fiddle with them unobtrusively, twisting them, maybe swapping fingers they’re on. Not-too-jangly bracelets might work too.
      – Learn a bit about acupressure or reflexology points for hands and body parts you can access without drawing attention to yourself.
      -Have some small, differently textured things in a pocket that you can gently take out and manipulate.

      If you’re allowed a notepad, notes and doodling might be your best bet though.

      1. Anax*

        Unfortunately, it needs to have some kind of… progression, for me. But a coloring book should do, so that’s something!

    7. RussianInTexas*

      They will most likely give you a notebook and a pen if you get selected. I doodled though my whole jury duty while in the court room, no one can really see you doing it, and it looks like you are writing down your notes.
      I don’t think they’ll allow you to actually DO anything while you are supposed to be listening to the testimony. Or during the voir dire. You are supposed to be listening and answering questions, and it will look like you aren’t.
      When in the jury room, you can read, use your phone, and basically do anything you want that you can get past security.

    8. I went to school with some small number of Jennifers*

      Maybe start a project with bigger needles? Some nice mitts on size 4 wooden needles?

      1. Anax*

        I feel like that might be _more_ frowned upon, honestly – they don’t allow nail files, so thicker needles might be more… weaponizable? No idea. Maybe I can get away with a crochet hook and catch up on weaving in some ends.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      I bought a couple of fidget rings (one for each hand) the last time I got called – haven’t had to actually use them yet thankfully

    10. Throwaway Account*

      When I have had jury duty and was on a jury, absolutely nothing was allowed in the courtroom. They gave us pens and paper that we had to leave on our chairs, we could not even take them to the jury room.

      The main holding area for all those waiting to be called to a trial allowed books, phones, and some knitting crochet type things. But nothing in the courtroom.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I served on a jury last July. They allowed us to take the the notebooks into the jury room, but not home, they were locked.
        But yes, while in the jury, nothing on you but the notebook, pen, water bottle.

      2. Anax*

        Hm. We were told *not* to leave any personal belongings in the room with the refrigerator and microwave – the “jury assembly room”, they called it. But we *were* told to bring laptops, books, and other entertainment materials with us. I had surmised that we would have to bring them with us into the courtroom, if we can’t leave them unsupervised. (Other than food, I guess?)

        I guess I’ll see how that works on Monday; this is all new to me!

        1. Manders*

          Yes, that’s how ours was. You leave your lunch in the break room area, but all personal belongings go into the courtroom with you. They provide notebooks and pens for note taking, but that stays on your chair when you leave for breaks or for the day. Everyone on jury with me either carried a small backpack, a purse, or were men who didn’t bring anything other than their wallet in their pocket. My experience was that you sometimes have long breaks while the attorneys are privately meeting in front of the judge, or the judge has other courtroom business to take care of, so a book or games on your phone are useful for passing time. Or you can chat with your fellow jurors, just not about the case. If it’s an interesting case, we’d love an update when you can give one!

          1. Anax*

            That was what I thought might be the case! Thank you for the sanity check; hopefully that is indeed how it goes. I’ll update when I can, but I’ll be surprised if it’s wild, given how short it is!

            1. Manders*

              We’ll see. My first case lasted 2 days including voir dire. It was a robbery, assault and kidnapping case!

  29. pinkEmu*

    Recommendations for mommy bloggers, especially those who review children’s books sometimes?

    Thanks,

    1. LGP*

      She’s not exactly a “mommy blogger” but Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is a YouTuber who makes videos about parenting, among other things. And she has several videos about children’s books. I’ll put a link to it in a separate comment.

        1. pinkEmu*

          Thanks! I’m planning to self-publish a couple of children’s picture books, and I thought getting a mommy blogger or someone similar to review them (assuming the person reviews books and likes whimsical books) might be a good way to get people to think about buying the books.

          Other suggestions would be welcome too!

          I haven’t finished the 2nd book, and when that’s done, I need to go through all the hoops that Amazon wants and to copyright the books, but I want to be prepared.

  30. tangerineRose*

    Suggestions for dealing with a refrigerator that sometimes kind of smells bad? I don’t think things have gone bad in there (although I’ll check), but it just has kind of a refrigerator smell that isn’t great.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Wipe it down with baking soda mixed with just enough water to form a thick paste. Let it sit for as long as possible before wiping down. Also check the motor and coils to see if they need cleaning.

    2. Thinking….*

      Also we leave those refrigerator baking soda boxes IN the fridge/hung on the walls and replace them every couple of months. And if you’ve got any leftovers hanging out in the fridge, maybe put them in ziplock bags (containers and all) until the smell goes away—know it’s not the most environmentally friendly, but it’s been a good way for us to identify the cause/protect the leftovers from tasting like the smell until it can be identified and removed

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Don’t forget to wipe down the seals and the cracks (the little indentations) in them.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Yep, this is probably what is going on here. Most people skip the seals and they can get really grungy really fast.

        Also check underneath to make sure something didn’t die there.

        The box of baking soda to prevent odors actually doesn’t work; it was orignally just a marketing gimmick used to sell baking soda.

    4. Sloanicota*

      If you think you’ve done the cleaning I’d go for setting out a cup of baking soda on the shelf, or maybe one of those odor-absorbing charcoal things you can buy. Did wonders for my cabinets which had a weird smell when I moved in that we never did find the source of. Works best if it’s something like an old stain that still outgassing even though it was wiped up, not something with an ongoing source of smells.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      Usually That Smell is the sign that I need to empty and clean the fridge, I’m sorry to say!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Check the drainage pan and the connecting hoses. If there is build up or discoloration that can be a hidden source of stink. (I have lived in too many shared houses where that was an issue!)

  31. The Prettiest Curse*

    UK folks: for Christmas, my husband has asked me to track down a few DVDs of old horror films that aren’t available on streaming or from mainstream retailers like Amazon.

    An example in terms of obscurity: Wolf’s Hole (1987, directed by Vera Chytilova)
    Is Ebay my best bet, or is there a site that specialises in DVDs of old obscure films? Google hasn’t been that helpful so far. Thank you for any assistance!

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I should add that we have a region-free DVD player. I’m willing to buy from sites outside the UK if I really have to!

      1. BellaStella*

        They do not have the one you mentioned above but Revok dot com may be a starting place. Also orbitdvd dot com and raredvds dot biz. Ebay yes and maybe searching under cult horror dvds?

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Thank you, I kind of forgot about the BFI site (even though I already knew about it) and managed to find one of the DVDs there!

    2. EllenD*

      Try your local Oxfam Book & Music shop – check the Oxfam website to find the one nearest you. They often take in DVDs and may be able with a bit of notice to find specific ones. In the shop I volunteer at we even have some stock listed that is relatively easy and quick to find. We’ve hundreds of DVDs that we’re trying to sell and they do go, but we keep getting more than we’ve sold. No promises.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      You might try Shout! Factory–they do a lot of older films and specialize in horror.

  32. Part time lab tech*

    Not quite an update but I’d like to thank the person who asked for “Happy songs to drive by” in a thread and linked the next week to the spotify playlist. I listened to a lot of them and it inspired me to get my happy playlist.
    I want to increase my list so does anyone want to list songs they play when they want a list whether they are bouncy, whimsical, or soothing?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      For a certain type of peace-with-inspired-movement:
      I Feel Good by Nina Simone
      The soundtrack to Alvin Ailey’s Revelations

    4. Part time lab tech*

      I’d better add a couple of my own. Some of Formidable Vegetable Sound System songs are funny if you’re into gardening (My Dad’s Dunny made it onto my list) and John Farnham is a comfort listen for me.
      I saved about half of the songs from that thread and Appalachian Spring Suite and Glen Miller’s In The Mood are new favourites.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Men Without Hats–Pop Goes the World/Safety Dance
      Graceland –Call Me Al/Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes
      Three Dog Night — Joy to the World
      The Cure–Friday I’m In Love

      1. noncommitally anonymous*

        Song that always cheers me up – Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might be Giants. (The “countless screaming Argonauts” always cracks me up.)

    6. Dancing with Penguins*

      Dancing in the Street
      Footloose
      Barefootin
      Walking on Sunshine

      All songs about movement, all very happy!

      1. allathian*

        Seconding. Pretty much anything by Kenny Loggings (Footloose) or Katrina and the Waves (Walking on Sunshine) works for me.

    7. Annie Edison*

      Oh that was me! I had such fun creating that list and still use it on long drives – I’m glad to hear it brought joy to others as well

      1. Part time lab tech*

        It is fun, isn’t it? I use my list to keep me on task at work or to do housework.
        (I am one of the 18 people who saved your list.)

      2. Josie*

        Could you relink the spotify playlist? I just downloaded it, and would love to add the playlist to my library. I missed the followup when you posted it. Thank you!!

  33. Myrin*

    I would love for someone with more tech knowledge than me to explain something that’s happened twice now where I can sort of imagine what happened but also could be way off.

    I was a pretty early adopter of Amazon but decided years ago that I wouldn’t continue to support Jeff Bezos and his ilk so from one day to another, I just stopped using it completely. I now use it at most once a year and only when I really can’t seem to find a thing anywhere else.

    Early last year was such an occasion. And here’s the thing I wanted to ask about: When I got the email telling me that my package had been delivered (with a picture showing some place that was clearly not our house but that’s beside the point for the purpose of this comment), it addressed me by my mum’s first name!

    My mum has never had an Amazon account. I have also never used my account to deliver something to her. Our surnames are different. The order – both in that same email and on the physical package – was addressed to me. There is no realistic way for Amazon to know my mother’s first name.
    I thought it might have something to do with our shared address but I now live somewhere else and it still addressed me by my mum’s first name four weeks ago when I had something sent here.

    So my question is: What in the hell is going on here?

    The only thing that comes to mind is an article I read a few years ago that talks about how through data mining and intrusive technology and whatnot companies can connect people logged into the same network (which I do when I visit home, where I use my mum’s internet). But I have no background in or knowledge about this at all so I don’t really understand the intricacies behind such a thing and possibly I’m not even on the right track here, anyway.

    Any and all help in unravelling this mystery would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Thinking….*

      I have had similar scam emails—it’s not actually from Amazon any more than it’s actually from PayPal (the most insistent is an “updated payment request from Apple for $999.98”!), or from the USPS that my package has arrived and stuck in customs, but if I click this link….

      File them under the current decade’s version of the Nigerian Prince/Secrets the IRS(or professional investors don’t want you to know)/Irish sweepstakes winner…

      1. Myrin*

        No, they’re definitely from Amazon.
        I don’t know if that maybe didn’t come through in my comment but they are in relation to actual purchases that I actually made; the pictures of my packages also matched where my packages actually were left both times.
        I’m not concerned about the emails being spam or scams, I’m just bewildered by the use of my mum’s first name.

        1. Myrin*

          Ah, re-reading my first comment, I’m realising that the “picture of a place that clearly wasn’t my house” part might be confusing people – the package was left where it showed on the photo, it’s just that that was leaning against the house of our neighbour down the road. Thankfully, that house has very distinct panelling on one side so I was able to locate it by memory alone, so my mum could walk over there and the people there were rude af but at least we got my package.

    2. cinnamon bun*

      Was it a scam email? You said that the email state that the package was delivered with a pic that is not your house, so was the package eventually delivered to your house?

      If it’s not your house, and you eventually got the package correctly delivered, then the wrong photo *is* the point of the scam email. (*) They want you to click on whatever links are in the email to report the package as misdelivered and they’d get a bunch of detail from you.

      (*) They don’t care about your name. As you said people can trace what internet you’re on – someone was keeping a list and it got corrupted/ or they didn’t care enough, or they did something like merge lists and your mother’s name got associated with you.

      1. Myrin*

        Ack yes, I realised when re-reading my comment that my parenthesis might seem like the picture was fake. It wasn’t, it’s just that the person delivering the package somehow couldn’t differentiate between “30” and “33” and the package landed at our neighbours’ down the road, who were very rude when my mum went to ask about it.
        There also weren’t any links in the associated email to begin with, it was just the normal Amazon “your package has been delivered” email.

      2. Myrin*

        I have a somewhat longer reply stuck in moderation but you can see my comment above yours (we were writing concurrently) for more info. The short of it: no, the package was exactly where it was on the photo, which was at our neighbour’s down the road.

      3. Myrin*

        Your asterisk is what’s interesting to me, though. Scammers doing that kind of thing I can easily see, but I’m weirdly aghast at Amazon obviously accessing a different sort of list (“different” in the sense that it’s not a list of their customers since, well, my mum has never been a customer of theirs) and then mixing it up with their customer list. I probably shouldn’t be because, well, it’s Amazon, but you’d think they’d at least not be so obvious about it.

        2. mittens*

          Amazon almost certainly collects names & associated IP addresses and stores them, and all sorts of ads, clicks and the like. Probably the lists got cross-referenced and/or corrupted at some point. Presumably when you first made your amazon account you used your own name. When did the emails with your mum’s name first start? Is it only the delivery confirmation emails? Not the emails when you first buy the thing?

    3. Sloanicota*

      Any chance there’s something you don’t know, like that your dad once used your account to send something for your mom, or something you forgot, like you once changed the name for a gift or something? Big tech is the worst at forgetting things that happened once a billion years ago.

          1. Myrin*

            No, I don’t connect accounts out of principle. I don’t even access any of the various online accounts I have through my phone, that’s a computers-only thing for me.

    4. Lexi Vipond*

      Have you looked at the delivery addresses saved in your Amazon account? If it’s wrong there you should be able to correct it.

      Amazon does get confused sometimes – any system that’s dealing with millions of deliveries is going to make mistakes in probably hundreds of them just through ordinary fallibility. I’ve had a completely random order, and one that a friend who had sent something to me in the past had ordered to her own address.

      Unless your mum’s name is amazingly uncommon it might not even be hers that’s appearing. Or someone else has sent something to her at some point, and the database has somehow decided that the person who lives at 123 High Street must be called Anne.

      1. Myrin*

        Nope, addresses are all correct.

        Her name is not uncommon but uncommon enough that it would be an amazing coincidence for it to be randomly paired with mine. But you’re right, it’s possible, I hadn’t thought of that!

        And definitely no one has ever sent her something via Amazon. She does have accounts with various other online retailers, though, which is what got me thinking in the first place – are Amazon merging their own lists with those of unaffiliated companies?

    5. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      If you check your saved Amazon delivery addresses in your account, is that combo of her name/your address in there?

      1. Myrin*

        No, that’s exactly the thing – her name does not and has never appeared in my Amazon account at all.

    6. strawberry lemonade*

      That’s funny!! There are a ton of intricacies here and it’s not possible actually figure out what happened, but my guess is that there are simply a couple databases in play, and you’re seeing a seam where they’re not quite in sync. Probably the order, delivery, and billing information are separated from the email-creation information.

      It’s possible that just filled in weirdly a looong time ago, or maybe the name was blank and it made some weird guess about who to send the email to based on some marketing data, which is where that network scenario you mentioned would come into play.

      But honestly my favored scenario is that at some point your mom’s name went into some text box that you no longer remember and that’s no longer there and just kinda stayed around.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Like a gift receipt or “write a message to who this is going to!” That can just hang out in a system forever.

    7. Qwerty*

      Sometimes data can get merged accidentally. Double check all of your settings and saved addresses in your Amazon account. My guess is some address verification software got implemented poorly so when it got your address history it also got who you lived with and thought you and your mom are the same person. Amazon had an issue a while back where sellers were boosting their numbers by sending stuff to random addresses so the reviews would look like a verified purchase – maybe whatever they did to crack down on that had unintended side effects on some accounts.

      Almost 20yrs ago, I used to get emails meant for my dad from his car dealership. They had all the right details about his car, but somehow they got sent to me, despite me never having interacted with any car dealer, barely having a license, and the email address being fairly new. Ford was as baffled as we were and never managed to fix it, so I would just forward the emails to my dad whenever it sent him a maintenance reminder.

  34. Holly Boughs*

    Please give me all your hosting tips for introverts! I need to host some family members in my new house for a secret Santa exchange. We’re both introverts, but my partner much more so than me (I can enjoy socialising while it’s happening but he gets overwhelmed, especially by noise and not having anywhere to retreat to.) Previously he’s been happy to come with me to events, and if he gets overwhelmed he uses a code word so we can leave. Strangely he never uses it! I think it’s more having the option to leave the house that he enjoys. Now, it’s our more than overdue turn to host, if I want to see my family at all, or exchange gifts with them, and we’re considering doing it a few days before Christmas so we can recover some energy for Christmas day by ourselves. I need 1) easy, cheap food that’s low stress for a perfectionist, 2) a way of keeping noise levels low, 3) a way of indicating it’s time for everyone to go, 4) just some general tips on making sure people are comfortable and feel welcomed 5) Is it okay to tell people “no red wine”. One of the things my partner is dreading is a red wine spill, as it happens frequently with my family for some reason!

    1. IT Manager*

      Consider a holiday “tea” – serve hot beverages (tea obv, also cocoa and maybe apple cider) and finger foods. No wine means no spills, and tea foods are easy – something sweet, a savory app like small sandwiches or those tiny quiches you can get on the freezer aisle, and then anything else random that’s finger food (veggies/dip, cheese/crackers, nuts).

      When you want people to go, stop putting out food and stop boiling the kettle for refills.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This is a terrific suggestion! Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking says an afternoon tea party is ideal, and I agree. It’s late enough that it doesn’t throw off the entire day but early enough not to take over a whole evening, and the food/drinks can be more casual. DO make sure it fits with everyone’s schedule, though–some people may be working at three-four pm.

    2. Not your typical admin*

      Can you put an end time on the event when you do invitations?

      I think it’s fine to say no red wine. Just play it off as “we want to end the tradition of spills”.

      My easiest no fail recipe that’s always a hit:
      Combine frozen meatballs, bbq, and grape jelly in a crockpot. Cook on high for 4 hours. It takes literally no time to prep, and I’ve never had it go wrong. It’s my go to dish for potlucks and parties, and I’ve never had any leftovers.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I actually find that hosting gives me more breaks, because there is always something that needs (or could plausibly need) to be done in the other room, or even small errands that need to be run.

      You can always send your husband out for more ice or snacks if he needs a break. Or there might be something outside in the yard that “needs” to be done.

      1. Wolf*

        Yeah, I’m the person who needs breaks when hosting, and I will do things like take out the trash or get new cold beverages from the basement, and then just stay there for a few minutes.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Food: Cheese tray and/or charcuterie tray. Little pastries and cookies. Two kinds of dip, some veggies and some chips.

      Noise: You can’t easily control this. It depends on the number/age of the guests, how your space is configured, and their general demeanor. The “quieter” your setting, the more likely folks are to keep it down. Set your table in neutrals and pastels, not bright colors. Have soft, classical background music. Speak in a low tone yourself. If people can’t hear you, lean in and lower your voice rather than raising it. Move slowly instead of rushing.

      Time to leave: After folks have opened their gifts and chatted a bit, gather up as much of the wrapping as you can and tidy it up quickly. Stay standing and say, “thank you all so much for coming, this has been lovely.”

      No red wine is a fine rule. Is it a custom in your family for people to bring food and drinks and expect it to be served at the time? Because if not, just set your own table, thank people for whatever booze they bring, and don’t put out the red wine. If expectations are different, then you’ll need to thank them and explain that you’re saving the red wine for later. Most people will understand, and the few people who don’t will still have to put up with it.

      Decide with your husband in advance about small chores that he might need to do during the party. It will make life easier for you if someone is clearing empty plates, scraping them in the kitchen, refilling the water, etc. and it will give him small escapes.

      Of course people will feel welcome. This is your family and you are hosting them!

    5. Abigail*

      If your husband doesn’t already have something like Loop earbuds, consider trying them out.

      Noise level is inherent to a certain number of people in a room. You can control this on the margins, like not playing loud music people have to speak loudly over. But there is really only so much you can do about people in a room together.

      I would play a low level instrumental Christmas music for background noise instead of anything with lyrics or the television.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My teenager had a simple birthday party — board games in the living room and snacks in the dining room, spotify on low — and set up the ground floor guest bedroom as a quiet space/sensory overload room. Beanbag chair, oversized stuffed animal, low light, and most importantly far from the noise. Used by a few people, one of whom specifically thanked me for it because she could stay longer with the recharge.

    7. Intro the Vert*

      As a very introverted person, this is what works for me:

      – set clear expectations in advance regarding start and end times e.g. “Please join us for Secret Santa between 2PM and 4PM on December 17th”. Stop serving food and drinks a little while before the end time, so people have time to finish their drinks
      – serve finger foods buffet-style (good excuse to spend five minutes in the kitchen every now and then, refilling platters etc)
      – decide on limited drinks options e.g have a “Christmas cocktail” you are serving (and nonalcoholic options of course), or do tea/coffee. Absolutely say no to red wine!
      – set the tone with music, lighting and decor – if you want it lowkey and chill, play soft piano music of Christmas classics rather than pop, keep the lighting subdued and don’t have flashing Christmas lights etc, and consider your seating options carefully – if people can sit comfortably on couches, armchairs etc. they’ll be more settled and chill than if they are standing/perched on bar stools and so on
      – have mini “escapes” to allow the introvert some breathing space – refilling food dishes, mixing up a new batch of cocktails, taking garbage out…
      – if you have people attending who tend to linger and not get the hint, be willing to be clear about saying “thanks for coming, it’s been so nice to see you. Let me get your coats.” And consider having another engagement to go to after so you can say “we need to get ready for another event now” even if it’s just dinner reservations or a movie or tickets to the botanic gardens or whatever. The Christmas season is notoriously packed, so people tend to readily accept that you have other engagements.
      – plan plenty of downtime for after the event. Give yourself a couple of people-free days as soon as you can.

  35. Ahem*

    Does anyone else judge the parenting of their friends or family? My SIL is a helicopter parent and it’s hard to not roll my eyes sometimes. Her kid is 10 and to this day he’s not allowed to cross the road – including quiet streets – by himself. She’s convinced he will walk onto the road without looking and get run over. She insisted on supervising his baths until fairly recently in case he drowned. In the bathtub. A 10 year old.

    We are not allowed to talk about anything that remotely upsets him. I mentioned I had a dentist appointment and she immediately hushed me because her son doesn’t like dentists and was about to cry. Another time I asked my nephew to put his dishes in the sink. He threw a tantrum until SIL promised him he doesn’t have to put anything away.

    When I say hello he doesn’t respond unless he’s in the right mood to graciously acknowledge my presence. I have never said anything as it’s not my kid and there’s no point disciplining someone else’s child who is like this. But I wonder how he will turn out when he’s constantly given the message that he is a helpless little snowflake who can do whatever he wants.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I super do, but I don’t have or want kids so I keep it to myself for the most part. But oh my lord my brother’s and his wife’s parenting styles BOGGLE me in different ways, and their older kids (in their 20s now) are both terrible enough that I don’t generally acknowledge their existence. (Which they seem to be fine with, the only time I’ve heard from either of them in five years is trying unsuccessfully to scam money out of me.)

      1. tangerineRose*

        I totally do judge (silently), but I’ve been blessed with siblings who seem to be doing great jobs with their respective kids, so that helps a lot.

      2. Observer*

        I super do, but I don’t have or want kids so I keep it to myself for the most part.

        A few people have said something like this. And I want to say thanks. But also, even if you *do* have kids, it’s generally a good idea to keep it to yourself. Even if you are *manifestly* and completely correct.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Yeah I’m judging her parenting hard. I’m a teacher so I have sooo many “congratulations, you ruined your kid” feelings I have to keep to myself. I get some of these kids in middle school on their first year of not being homeschooled and it’s roughhhhh.

      1. Double A*

        Also a teacher, also have many judgements. And helicopter/overprotective parents is up there. Anything parents do to protect kids from reasonable consequence of their choices always makes me cringe. The absolute most important job you have as a parent is to raise a kid who can take responsibility for their actions and to live independently to the extent they are able (if you have a profoundly disabled kid, this will look very different but you still develop any independent skills they can to the extent they can).

        The damage I have seen adults do who were raised on the way the OP described is just horrific because those children are taught they are the only ones that matter and they develop a huge sense of entitlement, no empathy, and since they are protected from all harm when they are then hurting very badly as an adult from having no skills, they lash out and blame others as they have no ability to process pain.

        1. Ahem*

          I actually do have a child with a disability. This makes independence even more important, not less. If he’s already relying on extra support for him to study and work and carry out day to day tasks that other people take for granted, I want him to know how capable he is over tasks he can perform without assistance. So I appreciated reading your comment re disabled children and how independence may look differently for them.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        My sister teaches kindergarten and she can accurately sort the “parenting style has made your life SO MUCH HARDER” kids on day one.

    3. The Dude Abides*

      I judge.

      I also work for Child Services (albeit in budget/finance), so I see terrible parenting and think “I’m going to have to deal the grandkids.”

    4. Generic Name*

      I try not to judge other parents because parenting is really hard sometimes. But your relative is basically raising her son to be an entitled asshole, which the world doesn’t need more of.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Not well, I would guess. Kids who are raised like this won’t know that it’s not usual until they are–sometimes forcibly due to circumstance–sent out into the wild, and not having basic life skills or understanding simple courtesy is going to really hold them back, at the least.

    6. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I have family members who think that children should never be disciplined because otherwise they’ll never discover their inner, inherent goodness.
      They used to lecture me about how I shouldn’t tell my kid not to do dangerous things (in one case playing with a lighter) or if I dared tell their son not to hit my kids. Or at least they used to believe that. I sometimes wonder if they think differently now that 2/3 of their kids are in prison.

        2. Observer*

          How much Victorian treacle were they reading?

          Zero, I would say. The Victorians were far from stupid that way.

    7. anon24*

      My parents were odd because I was totally cooking full meals (with supervision) at an elementary school age and doing page long chore charts every day, but also they were so insanely overprotective of me that I wasn’t allowed to leave my block alone in our extremely low crime neighborhood at 15 years of age because they were convinced I’d be kidnapped and murdered. I remember finally losing it on them one day at some point in my teens and uncharacteristically raising my voice to yell something along the lines of “you need to start letting go, I’ve got to be able to figure this out eventually, you can’t keep me safe from everything, what are you going to do when I’m 30 and you can’t protect me from anything anymore?” It was like a switch clicked and after that I was pretty much free to do whatever I wanted as long as I had my phone on me and answered if they called (or called them right back).

      Overprotective parents don’t help anyone. I’ve had to figure out so many basic life skills in my 20s that I should have known but my parents just never bothered to teach me because life = scary

    8. LBD*

      She’s right, he will walk into the road without looking and get run over. Not because he’s 10 but because he has never had to look for traffic himself. Someone else has always done the looking and he is old enough now that it has become the way to cross a street.
      You start by telling the toddler that you are looking for cars, then you get them to help you look for cars, then you ask them to tell you when there are no cars, all while standing next to them. Eventuall you get to allowing them to do the whole process themselves, with you simply there as back up, and now they know how to do it and it becomes ingrained.
      Poor kid, they are refusing him critical training in so many things, and keeping him from developing the self confidence that goes along with being competent.

      1. Observer*

        She’s right, he will walk into the road without looking and get run over

        Bingo! If that 10YO cannot cross a street safely, then either it’s because he has not been taught or it’s because there is something wrong with the child (ie a cognitive or related problem) that needs diagnosis and support.

    9. Manders*

      I also judge. People seem to forget that they are actually raising adults, not children. They are children during the raising process, but the outcome you want is “adult”. But I’m childless, so I keep my mouth shut.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        As a parent with 3 adult children, I can confirm that you are on the right track. From the time they’re born you have to have a mental trajectory to refer to, which ends with them as an independent adult. Parents should do an inward check once in a while: Is the kid on the appropriate point in the trajectory?

    10. FACS*

      I see these children (as young adults) in a health care setting. They can’t make an appointment and have no idea about insurance. often have to say “you are not the patient, they need to speak for themselves. It is their body”. Barring trauma there is no reason a 25 year old can’t get an exam all by their lone. Parents don’t live forever and children need to learn to be functional adults. I am a parent and believe that you have to teach your offspring how to navigate the world.

      1. Observer*

        Barring trauma there is no reason a 25 year old can’t get an exam all by their lone.

        OMG! The idea that parents come to the doctor with kids that age for routine stuff is mind boggling.

        Also, in a community like mine there is an extremely high chance that said “child” is already a parent. Do these people really want to raise their grandkids? I love mine, but I certainly don’t want to raise them!

    11. Judgey Gen X*

      This is so wild to me. I’m Gen X and grew up on a farm; and the stuff my sibling and I did would probably cause your SIL to spontaneously combust. I was babysitting when I was about 12 –for 3 children under the age of 7, which seems crazy to me when I think about it now. I knew how to cook meals if I needed to (usually boxed mac & cheese), do laundry, etc. My mom worked an office job and my dad was a farmer so sibling & I were on our own for a couple hours each afternoon after the school bus dropped us off. We were always given very clear instructions on what was “dangerous” and not to do — like stay far away from the bull; don’t play in the corn silo. There is a possibility for serious injury or even death from some things on a farm so I think we understood when not to cross the line and didn’t.

      Your SIL is setting up your nephew for a tough life filled with (unnecessary) stress and disappointment. And lord help anyone who ends up dating him.

      1. Observer*

        And lord help anyone who ends up dating him

        That assumes that anyone will be willing to date him. Which is not a given.

    12. Observer*

      Does anyone else judge the parenting of their friends or family?

      I think that in a case like yours it’s going to be inevitable.

      It’s not just that she’s being really extreme here. But also because she’s expecting everyone else around her to get on board with her ideas. She’s not only explicitly allowing him to over-ride the rules of basic politeness but also of other people’s home. *And* she’s trying to control how you behave *around* the kid, not just *to* him, even when the behavior is perfectly normal in the context it’s happening.

      BTW, where is his dad in all of this?

    13. Wolf*

      Not to armchair diagnose, but she might benefit from getting counseling to find if there is some trauma or anxiety? Constant fear that your kid is dying in pretty harmless situations sounds terribly stressful for everyone involved.

  36. I didn't say banana*

    What is something you find surprisingly difficult, given your strengths and talents?

    I’ll go first: I’m a professional writer, I love reading, and I love games like Wordle, Boggle and Scrabble. I love words and I know a lot of them but man, I just cannot do crosswords! I’ll get maybe 5 clues out and then there’s either too many options or no ideas for the others. My lifetime goal is to do a cryptic crossword one day.

    1. Thinking….*

      I’m a ferocious reader and get paid as an editor/writer, but I hate word (really letter) games like scrabble and boggle (or the nytimes ones)—with one exception: their mini-crosswords! Like you struggle with bigger or complex crosswords puzzles. But the minis are doable—even if I have to start and then leave and come back to them later. I find when I return that the brain sees the same clues in a different way after other prompts (or just time). And yes there’s definitely a learning curve as to what the creators expect/like (3-letters for where a pig lives is always sty not pen), and once you start getting those in your memory it goes better.

      2. Writerling*

        Once upon a time, I too was a ferocious reader, I’ve been writing for years and now taking regular classes and I always, always, without fail, SUCK at word games. Wordle, boggle, scrabble, crosswords (even the NYT mini), mind goes POOF or I think in my other language.

    2. Sloanicota*

      My answer is pub quiz/trivia. I’m something of a know-it-all but I don’t do well under the time pressure / pressure pressure ha – I tend to double-think myself or decline to speak up and get outvoted by the group. I got into crosswords by doing them with my dad. Like pub quiz, there’s always certain categories harder/easier than others, and that’s how I learned all the little “crossword tricks” like certain answers they always go to. TBF that’s really no different than scrabble in avid players also tend too have sneaky little words that help them, which the average person wouldn’t know at first.

      1. Sloanicota*

        There’s also certain games I play “wrong” – I like to lay out all the cards in solitaire, not move them to the top stack (which is how you win) – and I like to spell long words in scrabble/bananagrams, using as many letters as I can, which is not generally the best way to rack up points. I call this playing meditatively rather than trying to beat the game lol. Drives some people around me nuts.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I am not capable of learning the rules of most card games. Board games? All day, every day. Card games? Absolutely not.

        2. Rose is a rose is a rose*

          When playing bananagrams with my niblings we often try for long words, or have themes, or try to make cool shapes with the words.

    3. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I’m following the theme you started here…but I’m a writer, and I am terrible at language-based games—like Pictionary where you have to figure out how to describe something, or Cards of Humanity where you’ve got to quickly think of a funny response. I’m stressed just thinking about it, because I think people expect me to be good at these. I’ve learned to do crosswords (started with Monday puzzles to get a feel for how they work, and built up from there) bit anything involving words and an audience, I’m out.

      1. Sloanicota*

        There are SO many ways to be a good writer, it’s definitely not just one part of the brain, that’s for sure. Some people are intensely imaginative, some may have a great love of language itself, some are intensely dramatic and emotional – all can write great books! Some might write greater books with a good line editor haha.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      I read a lot, I am, by accounts of other people, smart, good at trivia, have various interests, etc, and I absolutely hate brain teasers and puzzles. And once you time me, it will never happen at all. Scavenger hunts or escape rooms are right out.
      I also don’t do any games in which I have to act out anything.

    5. Helvetica*

      I have an opposite phenomenon – I am really bad at math but I am excellent at mental arithmetic, even have won competitions.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      I am very good with things that involve skills that translate over into being great at giving the clues out in $25K pyramid. But not good at the reverse! (So not good at the online game Connections.)

    7. Myrin*

      I’m very good at mental arithmetic – which is surprising because I’m not at all good at math as a whole – but I have the absolute worst time imaginable when it comes to change, in the money sense. It’s fine as long as I don’t think about it but as soon as I start to concentrate I just stare at the money like I can’t count to three.

    8. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Slightly different direction: At work, I’m known as the meticulously organized one; project management (formal or not) and event planning falls to me by default.

      In my real life, outside of work? Terrible at planning, super disorganized, and enjoy a bit of chaos/fly-by-the-seat of my pants when it comes to trips. My house is a plant-fillled cluttered mess. So, opppsite of what coworkers would expect.

    9. Busy Middle Manager*

      Trilingual but God help me if I have to actually speak in any language other than English, it takes me anywhere from zero seconds to fifteen minutes to switch over. I think it must use different parts of my brain that are dormant sometimes. Watching TV is different, zero ramp-up time needed.

      1. mittens*

        I’m a bit like this, but bilingual. I can speak *either* language easily. I cannot *switch* between languages. I’ve sometimes had to do a bit of simul-trans between languages when we’re watching a movie in A, and my spouse speaks only B, and …. it’s freakin’ hilarious. Verbatim translations & alliterations. Goes weird fast.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      As a birding enthusiast, I can recognize many species from a distance away by their flight pattern or perched silhouettes. However, for the life of me I can’t remember how to identify types of sparrows other than the three I’ve known for years. Over and over, people explain how to recognize individual species or I look them up in a field guide, and once again I can only remember the house sparrow and the golden-crowned and white crowned ones.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Chess. I can’t believe how bad I am at understanding it–I can’t retain what piece can move where, let alone strategies. I usually have a really good memory.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Amen. I once lost a game of chess on my third move. The guy running the booth at GenCon was like “Even if you want to buy this game I don’t know if my conscience will let me sell it to you.” (I did not, luckily.)

      2. RussianInTexas*

        I know how the pieces move, but I have zero understanding of strategy. My dad can beat me in 5 moves. And then make fun of me as the most chess-inept Russian person.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      I like a straightforward crossword, but despise it when the NYT does the “every other clue is missing random letters that spell out the final word” or similar. I don’t have time for this crap, puzzle.

      1. Mimmy*

        Oh god YES!! Also when they throw in clues where one square has 2-3 letters. They’re clever once I realize what they’re doing though.

    13. Alex*

      I’m the exact same! I can wipe the floor with everyone I know in scrabble, but give me a crossword and I’m a complete loss. I guess it is just a different kind of thinking.

    14. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Despite a fantastic vocabulary and being great at most word games I suck at Scrabble. I’m good at generating words, but not good at the gameplay of racking up points. (OTOH, I am extremely talented at Upwords, which is vertical Scrabble.)

      And, like Sloanicota, my brain stores an immense amount of knowledge but the likelihood of being able to spit it out under pressure is low. In any given night of trivia, I will produce one or two epic answers that everyone is super impressed by and other than that pffft.

    15. Seashell*

      I like the mini crossword puzzle on the NY Times app, because their regular crossword puzzle is way too much for me. I’ve never finished the regular one, but I get the mini almost every time.

      1. Roland*

        If you enjoy crosswording and want to do more, I suggest trying just the Monday full sized crosswords at first, and then adding Tuesdays as you get comfortable. They get harder throughout the week. Monday and Tuesday are pretty much all straightforward with no misdirection or anything like that.

    16. Now what was I going to say?*

      I grew up in NYC and went to school on the subway from 7th grade through college, and the subway ride home, when I usually had a seat, was when I learned how to do the nyt crossword puzzle. In pen, of course :) It was easier back then, I think, more formulaic, whereas now (1) I often don’t know the popular culture references and (2) the random phrases that they use as long answers are usually unguessable until I get lots of crosses. And also (3) I’m way older now so I’ve forgotten a lot of trivia that I used to know. But I still try to do the puzzle (online) every day as it’s very satisfying to finish it. My favorite day is Thursday when there is always some kind of gimmick to figure out and it can be very amusing, or very frustrating.

      1. Roland*

        Haha, and meantime when I go back in the archives more than a few years I start having a hard time and think they are harder. It’s so tied to what we know!

    17. The OG Sleepless*

      My son is highly gifted at anything visual/spatial, and I’m pretty good at spatial things too, but neither of us can do a thing with a Rubik’s Cube.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        FWIW, with Rubik’s cube, you either know the method or you don’t. It’s not a thing people often figure out randomly.

    18. londonedit*

      I’m an editor and I work with books, so everyone expects me to be a whizz with word games. But I’m not! I’m surprisingly crap at Scrabble, and I can’t do cryptic crosswords to save my life. My other half keeps trying to teach me all the rules, and I’ll have a go once in a while, but I just can’t seem to get the hang of it.

  37. Grits McGee*

    So, it looks like the Washington Post is getting rid of subscriptions for .gov email addresses- do y’all have recommendations for free/low-cost news outlets for the following:
    -Federal government news, especially related to federal employees
    -Regional DMV news
    -National news
    -Advice columns

    I’d love to get away from news sources that are very opinion piece-centric as well, if anyone has recs for that!

    1. Texan In Exile*

      I like ProPublica, Mother Jones, and Mississippi Free Press. I left Twitter after the election and have joined BlueSky and wow is there a lot of great news there.

    2. Pam Adams*

      I currently subscribe to WaPo, LA Times and the Guardian. Independents include Civil Eats and Popular Information.

      You can usually get a ‘trial’ or ‘first-year’ subscription pretty cheaply. I think WaPo digital is $4 a month for a year. Watch out for the auto-renewal, though. That’s when the price goes up.

  38. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Halfway through Man on the Inside on Netflix, a charming story about a retired engineering professor who goes undercover at a retirement home.

    Last weekend decided I was tired and wanted something low stakes and easy to follow, and put on Set It Up on Netflix, about two beleaguered NYC assistants who reason that if their bosses start hooking up, the bosses then won’t spend that time drafting instructions to the assistants. This was really well done, with likable but imperfect protagonists.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Oh, I really liked Man on the Inside.

      I don’t have a show right now, but last night I watched Highlander with my teenager. We’ve been on a 1980s-movie kick for a while. She liked it!

    2. Jay*

      After discovering last week that Roku has the entire run of the Red Green Show, I’ve been watching that a lot.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        Oh man, I love the Red Green show! His DIY projects would fit right in with some of the stuff upthread.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Finally watched the last episode of season 3 of Professor T (the English version). We enjoyed the series, but the last episode…a bummer. Be aware.

    4. fposte*

      I just binged the Australian series Colin from Accounts and really enjoyed it. If you liked the British series Catastrophe, it’s got a lot of similarities—a rom-com with two people who sometimes do some really bad things but you still root for them.

    5. Busy Middle Manager*

      Midwest Magic Cleaning and Hoarders. It’s so comforting to watch them cleaning up disgusting hoarder houses. I am not sure why, but I guess I love the fantasy that you can radically improve a house with not a huge amount of effort, in some cases. Just shovel piles into garbage bags and wiping down counters in some cases. Just a few days work and your house is 10X better. I love that fantasy!

    6. Pharmgirl*

      Just finished Deadloch on Amazon Prime and loved it – it’s an Australian parody of Broadchurch.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m going to start Daiglesh and The Long Shadow soon, and My Life is Murder, but currently am just watching Only Murders in the Building and chilling out.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just watched the first two episodes of Dune: Prophecy and it’s good enough so far. [redacted] is a new character that isn’t in the books, and they’re kind of Mary-Sue-ish so far, but we’ll see where that goes. It’s HBO, so of course every episode will have a scene of naked plot sexposition. I’m quite enjoying Emily Watson as Valya Harkonnen in particular, and I think the third episode will flashback to Valya and Tula trying to hunt down Vorian Atreides in their youth so that should be interesting.

    9. Laggy Lu*

      We loved Man on the Inside!
      We recently finished AP Bio (Netflix) and Alex Cross (Prime). I would recommend both.
      We watched the first 2 episodes of KAOS and I really like it so far. We also watched 2 episodes of The Madness, and while I like it, it’s rather disturbing and it’s for daytime only.

    11. Still*

      I said it last week but: everybody drop what you’re doing and go watch Kaos on Netflix.

      It’s a modern-day retelling of some Greek myths and it’s incredible. The characters, the music, the storylines, the pictures, it’s one of the best short series I’ve seen in a long time.

      Tragically, looks like season 2 is cancelled, but it has an okay wrap-up: they were clearly setting things up for season two but still managed to tie a lot of threads in the last episode.

      Seriously, it’s fantastic.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        We really loved this and are bummed Season 2 wasn’t picked up. “Ares? It’s Pops.” LOL

    12. allathian*

      I quite enjoyed the first two episodes of Star Wars: Skeleton Crew. A bit unexpectedly because the main characters are younger than my son, who’s 15.

  39. Not a Travel Agent*

    I have one of those situations where nobody is trying to be a jerk, but we have different approaches and are stressing each other out. I could use some help fixing my part of it. The situation is that I have several friends who like to travel with me, which is really fun. We always have a good time together when we’re there. However, I find the process of booking travel very stressful; it seems like a huge commitment to hit the button and pay for something like flights, which may be non-refundable, and I have dyslexia which has caused me so much grief in the past when I thought I did everything right and then realized I somehow booked the wrong day/month in some cases. I do prefer to book refundable but sometimes that’s not an option especially if we’re coordinating. My friends love travel and text me about this deal or that deal, this date or that date, what if we went to X place instead of Y. I’m rarely in a place where I can sit down and concentrate on this, so the result is me getting grumpy. I do try to plan an hour-long call where we make decisions and book everything together right there. But I totally appreciate for my friends, part of the fun is bouncing ideas and planning the trip, and sometimes we’re not ready in the hour call so we’re back to texts/emails that stress me out. How can I approach this better?

    1. Cordelia*

      can’t you just say the above to your friends? I’m sure they don’t want to be stressing you out, they find this part of travel fun and it probably hasn’t occurred to them that you don’t. Ask one of them to book for you at the same time as they book for themselves, and you can just transfer the money to them. I always book for one particular friend nowadays, after a couple of occasions where she’s muddled up her booking – she provides input in the planning stages, but trusts me to do the booking.

      1. Not a Travel Agent*

        Oh, they know. But I mean, we have a legitimate need to plan the trip, and of course there are short-term deals on flights or hotels or whatever that suddenly come up and need to be discussed somehow. Half the time I’m the jerk because I’m avoiding these discussions and stressing *them* out. The limited time windows of travel planning is one of many reasons I find them incredibly stressful. But I need to deal with that on my end.

        1. WellRed*

          Would it help you have some sort of limit money wise, distance wise, time wise? By which you narrow down some of the decision making before you even start. You can’t hold people up (or avoid it) if they want to book. Do you need to control so much of this? Let the parts go you aren’t good at, let others do the grunt or preliminary work.

    2. Bobina*

      how much do you care about being involved in the planning? I’ve had travel with friends where its really clear some of them love the planning and some dont. those who don’t are usually happy to simply be told where to be and how much to pay, and the planners are happy to do the booking (or at least give clear directions on arrive in place X by time Y so the less involved can book themselves). is that an option for you?

      at the very least, I’d say work on figuring out exactly what it is you need from your friends so you can ask for it clearly (this can range from “please send tl;dr summaries when there are many options” to “as long as the budget stays under £500 and the hotel seems nice pick whichever one you like I will be happy and won’t complain”)

      1. Not a Travel Agent*

        You know, you are so right, I truly do only have a few general requests and then am a generally easy-going person who won’t complain. This is making me realize part of the issue is my more anxious friends either don’t truly believe that I mean that, or just don’t want the burden of it being “their fault” if the trip doesn’t go well. Because I’ve essentially said I don’t want to keep discussing, let’s just book, yet they can’t quite get to the point of just telling me to book X thing, or book for me and invoice as someone else suggested above (which I would actually love, but I understand why that’s maybe asking a bit much of other people when arguably I should be able to handle my sh*t).

        2. Bobina*

          Ooh yeah. this sounds more like a them problem. I think perhaps maybe making it very clear up top and then just not participating in the discussions (“I’ve already said I trust you guys so just go ahead and pick the hotel and let me know how much I owe you!”) might help show them that you truly do trust them to make the decisions?

          But yeah, this is definitely not something I can relate to as with my friend groups there is almost always a key “planner” who’s lead everyone else is happy to follow.

          In fact most people I know who have done group travel understand that *logistically* it is much easier to *not* have multiple people giving input into everything, so the fact that this is how your friend group works definitely is more about them than you I would say. I would not internalise it as some flaw you have.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Do you have a friend who likes to do the booking? (I would be this person.) If you’re that close, designate one person to take care of everything. Provide the info they need (name, date of birth, passport number if necessary), preferences, and a budget. And then let go. Or let the group texts whizz by and say, “Whatever you all decide,” then… let them decide.

      When I travel with friends, we nail down a set of dates and a budget, then one person (usually me) books. Then another takes care of all of the accounting, like who owes what to whom. It helps that we all have some level of flexibility. But it’s like going with a giant group to a restaurant where the dishes are all shared– let one person get input and then do the ordering for the table. Much less confusing that way.

    4. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      One small thing that might help with accommodating your dyslexia is knowing that many reservations (airfare, hotel, airbnb) that are otherwise non-refundable give a 24-hour window to make changes or cancel. (It might be in the fine print but it’s usually there.) That window gives you a chance to get someone else to double check for you.

      1. Not a Travel Agent*

        I’m really surprised this is such a popular response, it seems a bit much to me! We’re traveling from different cities and I’m sure my friends figure I know my own schedule/preferences best. They do book the hotel for us all but only after everyone agrees.

        1. Tinkk*

          And this is why you end up in the never-ending loop of discussions. They need your input if your schedule and preferences need to be checked each time.

          Can you create a checklist of things to doublecheck before you finalise a booking, to reduce the chances of making mistakes? Things like check name/spelling of airport, check departure and arrival times and time zones, check dates (and date format), maybe take screencap and send to a friend who is in the chat to confirm before clicking the final booking button, etc.?

    6. EA*

      What about trying something like a shared doc that everyone can contribute to and then pick a time to review it on a call? So your friends feel like they can bounce around ideas and collect them somewhere, but the push notifications don’t make you feel too much pressure.

  40. BellaStella*

    Has anyone ever gotten their number onto a spam list and then got 50 calls in a month (2 a day average) from a number that starts with your area code, but you know it is a spoofed number? Since October my mobile number has been getting calls from a ‘call centre’ spoofing the area code or the next city over from me. I live in a place where the language is not English. So of course once, I dialled it to return a call and see who it was, and the message was in English. So I hung up.

    I have blocked every one of these numbers …. and I have muted all unknown calls, and I keep getting these calls. I reported it to the local authorities and have kept a log of blocked calls (four images of screenshots so far!). Aside from changing my number – which I may do – how can I fix this? Pick up when they call and blare an airhorn at them/I do not have an airhorn.

    If it helps I have an iphone 6 that I am thinking of replacing soon in any case and getting a new number and a newer phone (like an 10 or 11 maybe but cannot afford a fancy newest one) would be a hassle but may be the route I take. Also I would keep the old number for a few months.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I’m sorry, it is annoying :( But I don’t think logging the calls or calling back or reporting is a useful effort, TBH. It would be like trying to track down spam emails and respond. Better to not engage and invest in options that allow you to more easily block. There are apps etc that will not let calls go through, you do run the risk of some false positives there. I try to use a google voice when I sign up with spammy things to avoid this, but my dumb friends use all sorts of apps that read their contacts or even actively hoover them up so it is a bit futile.

    2. WellRed*

      I do, but these days it’s more likely to be texts offering me $408k loan. Or a “hello there” from an international number. So frustrating

    3. Jay*

      Somebody seems to think that my work cell owes back taxes.
      Somehow they are able to let it ring less than once (like half a ring!?!?) and then leave a voice mail message.
      For a while I got one every hour during the work day, until I got permission from I.T. to block every single one of those. It’s down to a couple of calls a work day now.

    4. Generic Name*

      If you have T-Mobile, they have a very good spam blocker. It’s called “scam shield” and you have to download it as an app. I get basically zero spam/scam calls now. If you have another carrier, you can ask them if they have a similar service.

    5. Not A Manager*

      If you are muting unknown calls, how is this bothering you? I get a lot of calls from unknown numbers, my phone doesn’t alert to them, and I figure if it’s a real person they will leave a message. Otherwise I just ignore them.

      Is your mute not working? Does it bother you just to know they are calling you?

    6. Harlowe*

      It’s easier to whitelist than it is to blacklist. Set up your “do not disturb” to only let through people you choose.

    7. Nonny*

      Not all of a sudden, but yeah. I’ve had my number for well over 20 years, and at some point I started getting calls for random guy names (P, C, D, whatever), and had been getting calls for one of them too. It’s possible someone’s used your number instead of theirs and now you’re on everybody’s list (I tried the Do Not Call list but, well). I used to block numbers too but that’s pretty much useless, which is why I don’t pick up 99.5% of calls now (unknown numbers with a name I don’t recognize). If it’s important they’ll leave a message.

      I got some identity monitoring service which is why I know for sure someone’s been using my number. The uhh interestingthing is, it gave me his address and contact info! Have I held on to that? Mayhaps. (Sometimes if I get a wrong text I’ll text them his other number, but I’m still very tempted to email him a short and sweet “hey wtf.”)

    8. BlueWolf*

      It seems to happen in spurts for me. I won’t get any spam calls for a while, then all of a sudden I start getting them more frequently. I just never pick up unknown numbers unless I can tell from the area code that it’s my doctor or something and I’m expecting a call.

    9. Observer*

      If it helps I have an iphone 6 that I am thinking of replacing soon in any case and getting a new number and a newer phone

      Check with your carrier and see if they offer a spam filtering service, even if you have to pay for it.

      Also, if you are willing to switch to Android, the Pixel line has some of the best spam blocking that you can find.

      The 7a and 8a are not crazy expensive. The 8a is on sale now, for $400 (I don’t know what the case is where you live), and is guaranteed to get 7 years of security updates, so you should be able to hold on to it for a while. the 7a is guaranteed for 5 years and is year old, but still not too bad, but right now the sale means that the 8a is cheaper.

    10. Roy Kent says WHISTLE*

      A coach’s whistle is probably cheaper than an air horn and it’s what I used to get rid of an obscene phone caller.

  41. Anna Lee*

    Looking for ideas to fill my free time! I have ~6weeks of no work lined up and I have some “productive” projects planned (deep clean house, interesting classes, etc) but need recharge activities for when I’m taking breaks or refilling my social battery. What works for you or what would you do? I’m as happy with 10min ideas or week long ones (I’ve got the time!).

    1. Sloanicota*

      So jealous!! This is my dream right now that I’m exploring to see if I can make a reality between jobs; I did do it for a month or two in the past. I was aghast at how easy it is to fill a whole day just “puttering.” Like, if you have *one* errand to run, you can somehow make that fill a whole day. Mileage varies on whether you will find that relaxing – I did, for a week or two – or be horrified that somehow a whole month passed and you didn’t really do anything (also did). I was depressingly not surprised that the same tasks I didn’t want to do when I was busy, I also didn’t want to do – and did not do, for the most part – when I was not busy. Hope you have better results there. I did set an accomplishment goal that I met, but I found I could realistically only focus on it for an hour or so per day, at most, whereas I thought it could be my “job” for 8 hours or so. My goal for next time will be different than it sounds like your planning, because I’m going to go for one big memorable thing, like moving to South America for a month to study Spanish, or something like that.

    4. Generic Name*

      Do you have money in addition to time, or just time? If I were in your situation and I had money in addition to time, I’d book a week for a spa retreat. I live in a large city with lots of stuff, so I’d be a tourist in my own city. See a professional sports game, go to local museums, etc.

      Or if I had little or almost no money, do a road trip and visit family or go camping. Another no money option is going hiking in summer and snowshoeing in winter.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Related to the deep clean, tackling stuff-reduction in a short way. e.g. Take one shelf in the pantry, take everything off it, check expiration dates and whether it is something you will actually use, clean the shelf, and put the stuff back. And that can be all. But it can feel good to toss the four ancient half-eaten boxes of pasta and stop fitting stuff around them.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      I like giving myself specific days where I have nothing i.e. ZERO to get accomplished. Then, some exercise, walking the dog, brushing said dog, brushing the cat, clipping everyone’s nails, doing an online class, working in the garden/yard, scheduling time with friends, scheduling time with myself to go to museums I haven’t seen in forever if at all, etc. I am in New England and every town has its own museum/historical society. I could drive for a month or two seeing all of those. And they are all VERY cool! And overall, just being a tourist here, because it’s such a great area.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When I was laid off I went to museums during the day (I lived in DC so everything was close and free). I also like going to movies in the afternoon when things aren’t super crowded. I found places to take walks. I drank a lot of espresso because I explored neighborhoods and coffee shops. Basically, be a tourist in your own town.

      1. Wolf*

        My suggestion is similar to this: Go to the next town, and just walk around and see if there are any small shops, galleries, etc that you’ve never had time to discover. Even if you don’t need anything today, it’s nice to know that when you need something , there is a small local business for that.

  42. Anonymous Parent*

    This is a heavier topic than the typical weekend fare – but not asking for medical advice.

    We have a son with a mental illness who has not been doing well (manic state/delusions, quit his job, overspent – all typical for his illness). He is now living with us since right before Thanksgiving. He is on medication (compliant) and keeping med and therapy appointments. We are paying over $1000 each month to cover his car payment, insurance, phone as he gets stabilized. Once he is grounded again he may have to make a hard decision regarding his vehicle. If the car needs gas my spouse or I go to the gas station with him.

    Not sure if he will be going the route of Social Security Disability which can take up to 7 months BUT is usually denied on the first attempt, so 14 months? Or trying to get another job. He has a girlfriend and together they have a son. She is living with her family. He can’t live with them.

    I’m trying to figure out if we should give him an allowance for incidentals. Getting his hair cut, etc.

    If anyone has had an adult child return home that you need to totally support, how have you structured it? How have you survived it? I recently started attending NAMI groups but the holidays are playing havoc with their meetings. But I will be asking these questions there, too.

    1. Abigail*

      I would consider speaking to an attorney. If he decides to file for social security disability this can be really helpful. If you are supporting him an attorney might be able to help set this up as an advancement of his inheritance or other legal measures.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Having an outside party (they used to be called “disinterested”, as in neutral) can be a lifesaver. They focus on what needs doing and your best interests without having the baggage of relationships.

      2. Pickles*

        I helped a family friend through the process with Legal Aid, she got it on the second appeal but it’s really tricky. You can’t have assets, so the car would need to go.

        In regard to incidentals. If you can afford it, having hair cuts and other basic things make you feel good about yourself.

        I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It’s so hard. It’s not your fault. Just do your best. He won’t always appreciate it.

        1. Not That Jane*

          You can have some assets! A family member has been on mental health related disability for 20 years and owns a car. However, the total liquid assets can’t be more than a certain amount and I’m not sure if that includes a car. The upshot is: talk to a good disability lawyer before making any financial or legal decisions.

        2. Seashell*

          It depends on the type of disability. For SSI, his assets and household income matter. If he has enough work on the books in recent years, he can apply for Disability Insurance Benefits and assets don’t matter. Some people apply for both if their circumstances fit.

    2. Generic Name*

      I think it depends on what you can afford. It also depends on what his decision making capacity is right now. You said he overspends as a part of his illness. If you gave him a sum each month, would he use it responsibly (personal care and reasonable “fun” expenditures) or would he spend it all to buy funko pops or whatever?

      I’d look into getting therapy for you, and make sure you get some time for yourself. I hope you are able to take care of yourself as well.

    3. AlsoAnon*

      We had a situation with our adult daughter that had a few elements in common with yours. During that time we did take a NAMI class and it helped us so much. Seeing a family therapist was also useful. As part of her living with us we had an agreement that set out some simple rules. She is on her own now, and we still pay for her therapist. Hoping that things get better for your family- it’s a tough situation.

    4. No name yet*

      As someone who works with folks who have bipolar disorder, there’s no easy answers! Sending good thoughts to all of you, hoping he stays stable.

      I’ve heard good things about the NAMI groups, wanted to also point to another possible resource: Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance (https://www.dbsalliance.org/). It’s run by/for people who have bipolar disorder and depression, and also has groups (at least online, maybe also in-person) for family members/friends. That might be another option if the NAMI ones aren’t working out. https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/chapters-and-support-groups/online-support-groups/

    5. Ginger Cat Lady*

      We are almost at that point as well. Kiddo has different issues, theirs is underspending, so currently they’re living off savings, barely eating, and will run out of money in 2-3 months. At that point we will likely have to move them home, which they very much do not want but they are not willing to think about it yet. And they technically don’t have a diagnosis yet so disability isn’t much of an option for them.
      I would love to connect with NAMI but in my area the meetings are all on a night I work. ALL of them. They have 3 different locations within an hour’s drive of my home, and all three meet the same night and I can’t change my work schedule until at least Jan 2026. Very frustrating.
      I hope that you get it figured out. I hope that I can also figure it out.
      Parenting mentally ill adults who need a lot of support is exhausting.

  43. Might Be Spam*

    What do I need to know about unheated closets, especially in winter? My walk-in closet is on an outside wall and gets fairly cold. I used to just keep the door open, but now I want to keep some potatoes and apples in it, because the rest of my apartment gets too warm for them. Do I have to worry about mold? Should I put a small fan in there running continously for air circulation? Anything else I should know?

    1. Not A Manager*

      How small is the closet? When the door is closed, if you stand next to it, do you feel chilly? My guess is that it’s not nearly well-insulated enough to get moldy, especially in cold weather. I’d leave the produce in there and check it regularly. If the produce is keeping well, and if the closet is smelling like produce and not like rotten produce, I’d assume that mold is not an issue.

      1. Ha*

        I have unheated closets under the eaves of my old house. The only time it was a problem was when it cooled down or warmed up very quickly and condensation pooled on the floor. I would keep things in well ventilated crates or wire baskets / carts off the floor. If it’s humid maybe get something that absorbs moisture, like volcanic deodorizer or those silica gel packets you get in shoe boxes? I keep potatoes and onions in a kitchen cupboard where there is probably no insulation and it’s fine. Watch for mice going for the food if it’s not opened much and not really well sealed!

    2. Might Be Spam*

      Additional information: The closet is about 8 feet deep and has a hanging rod on both sides. Right now the apples are in a bin. Should I leave them in the bin or move them to a wire shopping cart so I can move them around?

  44. I went to school with some small number of Jennifers*

    Properly-made tea?

    Our British commentors talk about how no American can make tea right, but nobody ever says what’s right!

    So: what’s the right way to make (hot, black) tea?

    1. British Tea Drinker*

      First, own an electric kettle and have a suitable electricity supply (220-240 volts). (If unavailable due to Americanness, you can probably boil water in a suitable vessel on your cooker, and use that. Do NOT use microwaved water, that is an abomination.)

      Warm your teapot with a little boiling water. Empty it. Put in your tea (bags or loose leaf), using enough for the size of your pot.

      Fill your kettle with fresh water, and boil it. Fill your teapot. Let the tea steep for 3-5 minutes, depending on taste. Pour the tea, using a strainer if loose leaf, then add milk to taste. If only making one mug, it is acceptable to make it directly in a mug and skip the pot.

      Dunk your biscuit, and enjoy.

      (There will be people who will disagree with every single part of what I have said. That’s normal. I’m still right, for me this is the right way and what I do ;) )

      1. Generic Name*

        Really dumb question. I am an American, and I have an electrical teakettle that plugs into my standard American plug (which is 120 volts). The water boils just fine. I guess using twice the voltage would boil it faster, but is team made with water boiled using only 120 volts of electricity inferior? I’m super not being sarcastic. I was just curious about your mention of voltage. American houses do carry 240 volts, that is usually reserved for our clothes dryers or maybe water heater if it’s electric, and it’s a different style of plug.

        1. British Tea Drinker*

          My comment about the voltage was mostly sarcasm, I’ll admit. Every time I see Americans talk about not having electric kettles, the explanation is that the electricity supply in the sockets is 120v and kettles don’t work on that. I have no idea how true any that is, but it’s what I keep seeing Americans saying online. So I just clarified how it works for me ;)

          1. Pentapus*

            as a Canadian, we also have 120 volts, and *almost* every family I know has an electric kettle. every work place I’ve been at has one too.

            1. British Tea Drinker*

              Good to know. Does make me wonder why the Americans don’t then, though. Any why so many of them seem convinced their voltage is an issue. Some widespread urban myth?

              1. YNWA*

                I don’t know. I’m American and I’ve several electric kettles. They’re easier than boiling on the stove and in the summer don’t heat up the kitchen like the stove. I honestly think most Americans are just used to the style that uses the stove and are resistant to use anything else.

                1. RussianInTexas*

                  I think a lot of fewer Americans just drink tea (not counting various immigrant groups), and therefore don’t need a kettle.

                2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  And see, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone use a stovetop kettle since my grandpa boiled my grandma’s last one dry and burned out the bottom of it like 30 years ago, heh.

              2. Chauncy Gardener*

                I’m an American and I don’t have kettle because I rarely drink tea and it would just take up a lot of space I don’t have. If I need boiling water for an herbal tea, I either nuke it in the mug (sorry everyone) or boil it on the stove. I have an electric coffee maker, but I have a cup of coffee every day and it works for me.

                1. Wolf*

                  I use my kettle to preheat water quickly for cooking noodles and rice, or for making instant soup. And for my hot-water bottle. And when I need very hot water to wash something.

              3. Kettles*

                Weird. I’m American and nearly everyone I know has an electric kettle – there are some holdouts who still prefer the stovetop model they’ve been using for decades.

              4. Seashell*

                I have seen electric kettles for sale in the US, so I can’t imagine there’s a voltage problem there.

                I drink tea daily and I have never owned an electric kettle. It seems pointless when I’m making the tea at home and can just put a kettle on the stove. It takes maybe 2 minutes at most to boil, and I don’t have to stand there watching it, because I will hear it whistling. I don’t need an extra gadget taking up room for such an easy process.

            2. Bella Ridley*

              Yeah, in Canada the electric kettle is ubiquitous. Unless people are confusing “doesn’t boil as quickly” with “doesn’t work at all,” I can’t figure it out. I actually don’t know how quickly a kettle boils any more because I have an electric water boiler and have hot water on demand.

            3. Red Rose*

              Canadian who has lived the past two decades in the UK here, can confirm. Tea kettles and tea making are the norm in Canada and tea is made the same way it’s made in the UK, by boiling the kettle and pouring the boiling water into the cup with the teabag. It’s not the voltage.

          2. The OG Sleepless*

            Ha, yeah, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m American and we have an electric kettle.

          4. ThatGirl*

            Electric kettles do exist here, they just aren’t quite as fast. But certainly not uncommon. Plenty of people (like me) also have stovetop kettles.

          5. RussianInTexas*

            There is absolutely no issues buying and using an electric kettle in the US. :) Every store that sells small appliances sells them.

          7. Falling Diphthong*

            Electric kettles exist here, with appropriate voltages. But you couldn’t take one back and forth between the continents. (I just checked with my daughter if she already had an immersion blender, and she said not since she had tried plugging it in in Switzerland.)

            I suppose the electric kettle is good if the thermostat actually is precision tuned (that was the first thing to fail on mine) and you are finicky about brewing white and green tea at below boiling. But a tea kettle set on the stove works fine if boiling water is your aim.

            (I treasure a bit in the Scholomance series where our Welsh heroine fears she is falling for the American because she drank the tea-stained hot water he gave her.)

            1. Red Rose*

              Interestingly, I have only ever heard of fancy electric kettles with thermostats from Americans (mostly online, though my friend in Seattle has one). I am sure they exist in the more tea-as-basic-drink countries, but I’ve lived in three of those (Canada, Ireland, UK) and I’ve never seen one in any of those places. In Canada and especially in Ireland and the UK, tea is both ubiquitous and utilitarian and in my experience people usually just have a basic kettle that heats to boiling and shuts off. I got my current one at Tesco for about twelve pounds. Previous one was from Argos and probably close to half that (it was a long time ago and a different currency).

              Usually when I have a non-black tea I just leave the kettle off the boil for a few minutes before pouring the water over the bag, if I can be bothered to wait. I am curious how a kettle with a thermostat might change my tea-drinking experience.

              1. allathian*

                We have a kettle with a thermostat and it’s great for some green and white teas. Water boils at a lower temperature at high altitudes because of the lower air pressure, and the mountain teas are meant to be brewed at a slightly lower temperature.

                If you hate green and white teas because they taste bitter, it’s because the hot water’s spoiled it.

          8. HBJ*

            Absolutely not true. We have an electric kettle and use it a lot. And I timed it once – put the same amount of water of water in a lidded pot on the stove and in the electric kettle. I don’t remember the exact times, and it very likely is slower than a kettle at 220 volts, but the kettle at 120 volts was still considerably faster than the stove. Not to mention the walk away and leave it and it turns itself off factor.

        2. Pentapus*

          water boiled at 120 volts is the same as water boiled at 220/240. agreed on the no microwave. disagree with some of the other steps but that’s fine :)

          for funsies, look up the wikipedia page on woman tasting tea or lady tasting tea. part of the birth of statistics was a woman who could tell the difference between milk first or tea first in a cup.

          1. British Tea Drinker*

            Oh, you can absolutely tell the difference between milk first or tea first! It’s not hard to do. Unless you are drinking really bad tea, I suppose.

            1. Mulligatawney*

              Yes! I can taste the difference in coffee also – milk first gives you the taste of cooked milk, which I really dislike. Friends make fun of me when I tell them there’s a taste difference.

              1. fallingleavesofnovember*

                Even if the tea is made in a pot and once steeped, you pour it into a mug that already has milk in it?

                1. mittens*

                  yes. I absolutely can tell the difference. Easy to try: steep a pot of tea, and pour into two cups. Never tried with coffee though.

        3. Scientist*

          I’m an American (in the Midwest) and definitely have an electric kettle and so do most of my friends and relatives. Perhaps less ubiquitous than in England or other places, but still very common I think! We use it for tea, hot cocoa, hot water with lemon and honey (which my daughter calls bee juice) etc

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I like the current fancy stainless Breville I have now, with different temperature settings. (Breville the Temp Select™ Kettle, BKE720BSS, Brushed Stainless Steel). As I recall it was around $99. Been about a year, seems solid and still pretty. The previous glass Hamilton Beach (gifted) did not last long, the seal on the lid stopped sealing well, and it was overflowing water when pouring.

      3. anon24*

        Another serious question, are coffee makers common in Britain? I’m an American, love my loose leaf tea, and consider my electric kettle an absolute essential kitchen item. I don’t drink coffee so I don’t have a coffee maker (I don’t even know how to use one and I’m still not sure if that’s embarrassing or a flex), but I was just wondering if British people have both if they drink coffee or if it’s rare to have a traditional coffee maker.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Yup, we have coffee makers. Since I’m usually only making coffee for myself (in a stove-top espresso maker), mine only really gets used when I have family round. Coffee is almost as big as tea here now- it really started to take off in the early 2000s.

        2. Lexi Vipond*

          Depends what you mean by common and what you mean by a coffee maker.

          A lot of people drink instant. I think quite a lot of people have a cafetiere even if they don’t use it that often, but if you mean something that drips coffee into a jug for you I only remember seeing them in offices and hotels and suchlike (which doesn’t mean that household versions don’t exist!)

          1. londonedit*

            Quite a lot of people do have something like a Nespresso machine these days. I agree that those filter-coffee machines that you see in offices aren’t massively popular in homes, but coffee makers like Nespresso (I think the US version would be called a Keurig? Something with pods) are pretty popular. Personally I have an espresso machine (wasn’t very expensive) but people also have those Moka pots that go on the hob, or cafetieres.

      4. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Agree with all of this, except that I am a milk-first person (if making a pot…and let’s face it, I always make a pot even if it is just me!) I like that it stirs the milk up when I pour the tea in, and I am very good at estimating the right amount of milk for the size of mug. Mostly it’s just the way my (British-origin) family has always made it! But if just making a mug, definitely milk after or it doesn’t steep correctly.

      5. Rosyglasses*

        This inspired me to pull out my little ceramic teapot and make some of my favorite Winter Solstice tea – with my kettle water and a strict timer for steeping :)

    2. Clara Bowe*

      I side-eye the heck out of UK people who get cranky over this. Mostly because how you prepare tea depends ENTIRELY on the type of tea you are using. (*watches China STARE at the UK*)

      Black and most oolong teas follow the directions of what the person above said. Generally, those are the teas more often sold in the UK and the blends and flavored teas that are popular there. If you do the same thing for a white or green tea, you will instantly burn or oversteep it. Puh’reh teas can deal with higher temps, but it depends on how it is processed. Tisanes and rooibos or honeybush can have much longer or shorter steep times depending on the plant and/or ingredients involved. And, depending on the teas and the way they are prepped, you can get multiple sweepings out of the same leaves – especially oolongs.

      That said, at the end of the day, experiment and see which teas YOU like and how you like them prepared. I really love Adagio teas because a.) they put steeping directions on the package and b.) they have sample and starter and advent sets that let you test a bunch of stuff to see what you like! I am sure other places do too, so ymmv.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Once I got the kettle with the temperature selection, green and white teas really started to work for me

        1. Clara Bowe*

          Absolutely! Unfortunately, mine just failed (leaking around the base) and I don’t want to buy another immediately. Back to a stove-based kettle.

        2. I take tea*

          I love having a kettle with different temperatures too. It’s made it so much easier to make different teas, instead of having to bother with a thermometer.

      2. supply closet badger*

        You’re absolutely right, but I can’t think of any style of tea where the optimum preparation would involve heating water in the microwave and then dunking a teabag in — which is the American/European tea practice that seems to horrify Commonwealth tea drinkers the most :)

    3. LGP*

      I also have a tea question for Brits: doesn’t adding milk make the tea cold?? I’m American but I live in the Netherlands where tea is a very normal thing, but never with milk.

        1. LGP*

          For coffee, it’s normal to have it with milk or without (as far as I know; I don’t drink coffee). But milk in tea just isn’t a thing here for some reason.

          1. Still*

            Since it’s common to make tea with freshly boiled water and letting it steep for 2-3 minutes, the milk will just bring tea to a temperature at which you can drink it directly without scalding your tongue.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Depends how much you add! But tea lattes are a thing and you can heat or steam the milk if you want.

      3. Another Janet*

        Not a Brit, but I find that a small amount of milk doesn’t cool down a hot mug of steeped tea by all that much.

        I don’t know whether it’s true but I remember reading some debate over whether a small amount of milk in tea could actually keep it warm for longer, by forming a lipid layer that sort of insulates the top and keeps heat/steam from escaping. (That’s exactly the kind of thing that there must be a firm answer to but that I’d rather keep as a pub debate.)

      4. mittens*

        Not a Brit, but I like milk in my tea. I find that (1) preheating the teapot and (2) preheating the cup goes a long way to combatting too cold tea.

      5. I take tea*

        I find the milk in tea concept baffling. I’m obviously a tea drinker (hence my username), but I’ve never understood why people put milk in the tea. It completely changes the drink to undrinkable for me. It’s not only the taste, it’s something about how it feels on the tongue. It’s like I only feel the tannine and nothing else.

      6. supply closet badger*

        Traditionally, you’re only adding a little bit of milk (like maybe 1-3 teaspoons per cup or mug), so it just brings the almost-boiling tea down to drinkable temperature.

        If making more of a tea latte, where most of the volume of the final drink is milk, I would steam or otherwise heat up the milk :) But this is a bit of a palaver so I wouldn’t do it often at home!

        Chai masala steeped in warm milk on the stovetop (rather than in boiling water) is pretty heavenly too …

    4. HannahS*

      I’m a Canadian tea drinker, and I drink it like coffee–meaning, it sustains me; it is not a fancy afternoon to-do.

      Boil water in kettle. Put Yorkshire Gold English Breakfast tea bag in mug. Add boiling water, sugar, stir until inky, add milk, stir more, remove tea bag. Drink. Repeat for the second cup. And then repeat again after lunch.

      My issue with American tea is that the brands tends to be quite light (others would call it delicate, but to me it’s weak), and there aren’t always kettles around. Heating water in a microwave can be dangerous, because it can be superheated and then boil-over/explode.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Not directly related to your post. I think I make tea properly (hot black, green, and various other usually herbal varieties) and in the manner described by British Tea Drinker. I usually use an electric kettle, but a stove top kettle if fine, too. Electric kettles are more commonly available in the U.S. now than they were, say, even 10 years ago. It did seem that for quite a few years, the electric kettles available for sale in the U.S. were not very reliable and would quit working after a few months and need to be replaced. I have a “Chefman” 120 volt electric kettle that was a gift from my sister that I’ve had for a couple of years now and I hope it will work for several more.

      I find that after I brew the tea and let it steep, I get often get busy with other things and my cup or pot of tea cools before I can finish drinking it. I usually pop it in the microwave for a minute to reheat and then finish it. It seems like a waste to just dump it.

      Not too long ago I saw an ad for beautiful tea pots made in England. I can’t remember the brand, but they had a toll-free number to call if you had questions about their products and about making tea. So I called it and asked if the teapots were microwaveable. Not only were the teapots, NOT microwaveable, but I was informed in no uncertain terms that, apparently, the proper thing to do is to dump the cold tea and make more and that a microwave should never be involved in anything having to do with tea.

      I was a bit taken back, because the person who answered my call was kind of borderline rude and seemed to have an attitude. I thanked them and ended the call. (I decided not to buy one of their teapots and if my tea gets cold, I continue to pop it in the microwave for a quick reheat (usually just the cup, but sometimes the entire teapot).

    6. KathyG*

      It sounds more complicated than it is:

      1. While your kettle is heating, pre-heat the teapot by pouring in some hot water, swirling it about and then dumping out.

      2. Add tea to pot: one bag/person if using teabags, or one teaspoon/cup + one extra teaspoon (“one for the pot”) if using loose tea. Of course purists will say you should ONLY use loose tea, but I’m not one of them.

      3. Pour freshly boiled water into teapot. Put lid on teapot, then cover teapot with cozy, or wrap teapot in a towel.

      4. Wait 5 minutes.

      5. Uncover teapot, use a clean spoon to give contents a quick stir. Pour (using a strainer for loose tea) & doctor brew with milk or lemon (never both) and/or sugar to your taste.

    8. londonedit*

      I think Americans tend to build up British tea drinking into A Big Thing – they think you have to be really into tea in all its different forms, and they imagine that we all stop at 4pm and do a big tea-making ritual that’s all about The Right Way to make tea.

      In fact, tea in Britain is basically fuel and people drink it all day, at all times of the day. Yes occasionally if you’re visiting your parents or it’s the weekend, you might make a pot of tea, and some people might use loose-leaved tea and a tea strainer, but generally tea is made quickly because you just want a quick cup to drink there and then. So what you do is you put a tea bag into a mug, you boil the kettle, you pour the just-boiled water into the mug, you let the tea bag steep for a minute or two, then you take the bag out and add however much milk you like, and that’s that. Tea made. Have a biscuit with it. Most people just use what’s called ‘builder’s tea’, i.e. tea bags made by PG Tips or Tetley or Yorkshire Tea, the big widely available brands. We don’t generally have special tea – some people might drink Earl Grey or lapsang souchong or whatever, but the vast majority of people are just whacking a PG Tips bag into a mug.

  45. Daughter*

    My dad lost his wife about a month ago. I have been making an effort to go visit him & see him often & I helped out as much as I could when she was sick (visits, cooking for them etc). We have plans for next weekend already. My brother has recently moved to where I live & had a baby. My dad announced earlier this week he was coming to visit this weekend – not ‘shall I come, are you free?’ but more ‘I’m coming’. He’s now asking me what the plan is and tbh I really don’t want this to create a precedent! I have had a super busy week at work, work Xmas party yesterday & a university friends meet up today. My brother has a 4 week old so can’t really commit to leaving the house. What I would like to do with my Sunday is chill out, spend some time with my husband & maybe decorate the house. Now I have to host and I’m a bit stressed. Any advice welcome – I love my dad but he has some qualities that make him difficult to spend long periods of time with (primarily, a temper) and I would like to be able to see him on my schedule (like, once or twice a month, which tbh would be way more frequent than we saw each other prior to his wife’s death) vs ‘whenever he decides’. I’m already stressed about Christmas where between my brother & I we will have to host him & slightly mourning the loss of chill Christmas with my husband and cats.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Can’t you just say “dad, this weekend won’t work, let’s find a time that does”? Is it too late for that? If so, don’t entertain him – he’s capable of figuring things out. Do what you’d like to do and invite him to join if you want.

    2. Ummmm…*

      You don’t need to make a case to him, to us, to anyone, etc, that that time/weekend doesn’t work for you. For whatever reason. You also get to change your mind (if you already said yes) because you realized there’s just too much going on.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      Add me to the group of people saying that you should kindly tell dad that this weekend doesn’t work for you. You’ll definitely see him in 2.5 weeks for Christmas, right? One question is whether it might be possible to find an alternative place for him to stay during future visits. That might make things easier for you and your brother, especially as dad will probably want to keep visiting your town.

    4. Daughter*

      Thanks folks, you are indeed right. It is a bit late this time but I spoke to my brother & I am just going to host lunch & then he’ll go to my brothers after so won’t take up my entire day. Yes I need to grow a backbone but he is grieving and also the initial call it wasn’t that clear whether he had already arranged to see my brother. (Where ‘I’ll be in town if you want to meet up’ is different to ‘ I’m in town entertain me’). Luckily he lives close enough that he doesn’t have to actually stay over, though he probably will stay over for one day at Christmas so everyone can have a drink with dinner.

      1. Rainy*

        Be careful that “dad is grieving, don’t upset him more” doesn’t turn into “dad does what he likes and the rest of us have to deal with it”. I’d say it’s fine this time as long as you don’t let it become a habit for him, which means that if he tries it again in a week, you really will have to put your foot down. I hope the visit was low-stress and you were still able to relax!

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      You could maybe say, hey Dad, this is what’s on tap for this weekend blah blah blah. If you’d like to join in, fine. Otherwise, you could do xyz, or sit in the living room and watch tv. We have no capacity to entertain you this weekend.

      1. anonymous anteater*

        +1. I recently had a friend coming over on a day that I had slotted for decorating. I ended up putting him to work together with husband and me, and he merrily chatted over tea and unpacking storage boxes. Maybe you can deal with your dad in a similar way. Generally it’s always surprisingly wonderful when instead of capital H-Hosting, you get to hang out with people doing boring things, whether that’s grocery shopping with mom, or doing the dishes with a girlfriend.

  46. Anon Poster*

    Coffee shop etiquette? I have never in my life brought work to a coffee shop, but it’s a busy season at work and I’ve been bringing work home with me that I have absolutely no interest in doing at home. There’s a local coffee shop near me with lots of seating and lots of people working there at all hours of the day. What’s the generally accepted rule for how much I should buy in exchange for the work space? 2 hours is my absolute max for sitting and focusing without getting antsy, and I’m curious how much is fair to buy in exchange for use of a table for 1.5 to 2 hours?

    1. Lime Twist*

      I’d say buy a drink and maybe something to eat at the start, and then get another drink when you hit the one hour mark, and you’d be fine.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I think a drink at the beginning and a snack partway through, and tip well.

      Really, so long as the space isn’t crowded it shouldn’t be a problem, and if it’s really crowded maybe it’s not great to take up space even if you do make a few purchases.

    3. Still*

      I used to work at a coffee shop and I’d say it really depends on how big and how busy it is.

      If it’s on the bigger side and there are several empty seats, I think you’re fine just buying a drink and staying for two hours. If it’s almost full, I’d get something after an hour. If it’s really small or completely packed, I wouldn’t stay longer than 30 minutes without ordering anything more.

      Be really polite to the staff, tip well, and make sure to clean up after yourself, and you’ll likely be given more grace. You could also just ask. “I was hoping to stay until 6pm and do some work, please let me know if you need me to free up the table.”

    5. Pam Adams*

      Try not to hog the outlets- bringing a power strip with space for others to plug in is a nice thing to do.

    7. RentingSpace*

      I used to try to buy something food or expensive no refill drink every two hours or so. It was very much a rental fee and I considered it such; I often spent $20-30 if I bought three times and the food was in no way worth that much to me. If you’re only staying 1.5-2 hours I’d say once is fine if it’s a meal or twice if it’s more snacks/fancy drinks (but taking the second to go would be fine)

    8. AvonLady Barksdale*

      For two hours I usually buy two drinks. I start with one plus maybe a little food, then I get another. Doesn’t have to be fancy. But if you’re in a shop where space is at a premium, you’re better off just staying put and not getting another drink, because someone will swipe your spot as soon as you stand up.

      I love working coffee shops and try to do it as often as I can. Just be pleasant to staff and other patrons, tip well, wear headphones if you’re taking calls.

    9. Tipping*

      I’ve seen a lot of folks mention tipping, but tipping is not a thing in any coffee shop I’ve ever frequented. They’re strictly counter service to get food, refill your own (refillable) drinks, bus your own trash/trays/etc when you’re done.

  47. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread. Urban settings qualify. What critters have you seen?

    Today at the water treatment ponds nearby, I saw a group of three river otters. They flushed a few ducks.

    2. Atheist Nun*

      I visited my family in Santa Cruz, CA recently and was excited to spot my first banana slug during a forest walk. I, however, loathe bananas in any form and am henceforth going to refer to these charming gastropods as lemon bar slugs because they kind of resemble the yummy filling oozing out of a lemon bar…right?

    4. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

      We have Great Blue Herons that hang out at the lake our house sits near. We’ve named one of them Hank Heron. Of course, they all look alike, so whichever heron is visiting, it’s always Hank. Rarely, we’ll see more than one at a time.

    5. epicdemiologist*

      I live in the suburbs, and we currently have more than a dozen whitetail deer (including an impressive stag and several younger bucks), barred owls, possums, armadillos, pileated woodpeckers, red-tailed hawks, and of course squirrels. We used to get coyotes and foxes but the area around us got developed into apartment complexes, and we haven’t seen them since then.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      Deer, deer, deer and more deer. (northern MA) A few coyotes. Bluebirds today!! A great blue heron that refuse to move south no matter how many times I’ve suggested it to him/her. Lots of juncos as well

    7. Retired lawyer*

      Our house is set up so that it’s impossible to see the driveway from inside the house. So we had cameras installed so that when we were waiting for someone we could actually see when they arrive or we could see if a delivery service left a package somewhere strange.

      Well, they worked for that. But we live in a suburban area and learned that they have had the unexpected side benefit of being critter cams. I was very much unaware of just how many animals live around here. We have seen deer, skunks (once a group of four skunks!), foxes, fisher cats, groundhogs, coyotes, opossums, turkeys, and probably a few others I’m forgetting right now. At this point, if we got rid of the cameras, I’d miss the animals at least as much as the ability to see our driveway.

    8. California Dreamin’*

      Hmm, suburb of Los Angeles in a neighborhood that abuts hills. Coyotes are captured on our cameras all the time and in fact you can encounter them in the neighborhood at all times of day. Also deer but mostly at the houses that are right up against the hillsides. Some years ago there was a bear roaming the neighborhood. That year at Halloween My daughter went as the [neighborhood name] bear.

    9. RLC*

      In addition to our “regulars” (quail, doves, chickadees, nuthatches, and finches) we had two adorable cottontail rabbits today. Nighttime temps have been well below freezing for weeks, so the bunnies must have a cozy sleeping spot nearby and emerge at daybreak to forage in the fallen leaves under the apple tree.

    10. The OG Sleepless*

      Goldfinches (in winter plumage) on our bird feeder! Sometimes the goldfinches migrate for winter so I’m always happy to see them.

    11. Wolf*

      My office has planted new flowers this summer, so we immediately had bunnies. It just happens when you have the freshest greens in the industrial area.
      And when you have bunnies, foxes will come, too.

    12. allathian*

      I haven’s seen any wildlife recently, I’m sorry to say, except a couple crows.

      But I’ve seen tracks in the snow, at least a squirrel, a large hare and a smaller hare/rabbit. I’ve also seen the tracks and poop of what I suspect to be white-tailed deer because I saw a mom and a couple teenagers in our garden in the fall.

      I don’t count the numerous dog tracks I’ve seen, but I do count the neighborhood indoor/outdoor cat whose territory goes right past our house. I suspect that the cat walks the same path every time it’s outdoors, but obviously I can only see that when there’s fresh snow. I’m just happy to see the cat’s prints in the snow so I know it’s okay.

      I strongly disapprove of letting cats out in urban or suburban areas. I don’t mind them hunting rodents, birds are something else. But most of all I disapprove because it’s dangerous for the cat. We have urban foxes and birds of prey, some of which are large enough to hunt cats. Never mind all the cars out there…

  48. ric*

    My toddler is obsessed with Monsters, Inc. and I have SO MANY thoughts about the workplace:
    1. Mike is roommates with his coworker & also dating a coworker
    2. The HR department must be so well-staffed due to various accommodations based on the wild variety in monster bodies.
    3. They have in-house childcare! Sure, the CEO is corrupt but that’s a pretty good perk.

    2. Ahem*

      It’s possible that in the monster world, those boundaries may be irrelevant for their culture.

      Monsters Inc probably doesn’t care much for accommodations. Their corporate culture allows for a public shaving and shaming whenever there is a contamination.

    3. Camelid coordinator*

      I can relate! I developed a very detailed class and social analysis of Thomas the Tank Engine during the time of kiddo’s love of it.

  49. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    Meal Kit suggestions/ideas

    I am looking to (maybe) get my parents (in their late 80s) a Meal Kit subscription for Christmas. Does anyone have a recommendation? I would like one that is both heathy and easy to prepare. They do not have a local option in the small town where they reside.

    1. allx*

      I just looked into this for my mid-90s parent and thought Tovola Smart Oven/meals was the way to go. This is a special oven that has a barcode scanner where the recipient just scans the meal code and the oven selects the right amount of time/temperature to cook the food. Similar to a microwave but I think it might be more like a convection oven or something–meals take about 10 or 15 minutes. While it requires the special oven that can read the barcode (usually around ~$300), I think right now the oven is being provided for free with the purchase of a set number of meal orders (and it wasn’t a high number, maybe 3 orders). You can order however many meals you want a week, like 3 or 6 or more, and they come fresh not frozen, I believe.

      There is virtually no prep involved other than transferring the food into the included cooking pan(s), and sometimes pouring a sauce over the meal. From my research, sauce packets need to be cut open with a scissors, so take that into consideration. When I looked, there were about 30 different meals to choose from. I was interested in this meal service because it didn’t require any chopping of vegetables or simmering anything on the stove or combining any ingredients etc. It looks very easy. Your parents may still be capable and interested in preparing food–my relative is not.

      Pricing is transparent on the site. I think it was maybe $12 or so per meal, depending on what was ordered.

      1. IT Manager*

        I just bought this! $0 oven right now, must sign up for at least 6 orders in 6 months.

        Rally looking forward to this. I’ve tried SO MANY meal prep/meal delivery services. This one seems different and interesting.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      A coworker recently got Hello Fresh and he seems to like it, but his number one complaint is that he has to chop a lot of vegetables and he has no idea how. (His cooking skills are pretty much limited to toast and whatever you can heat up in an air fryer.)

      I suggested that he get a vegetable chopper. They’re cheap, and they make chopping vegetables a lot easier. So I will add the caveat that if they have issues with chopping stuff, one of these might make a great side gift.

      1. Wolf*

        I found HelloFresh to be terribly unsustainable for the environment. I received ingredients like parsley from Kenya and tomatoes from Morocco, when both were perfectly available, in-season and cheap in my home country.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I have been getting HungryRoot and really like it. You can customize according to how much of the work you want to do (like chopping or not), how long you want to spend on prep, and what type of equipment you have.

    4. Laggy Lu*

      I am currently injured and can’t really prep food. Someone recommended Factor to me, as it doesn’t have a ton of prep. I haven’t tried it though.

    5. GradSchoolRedux*

      I tried Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. Of the two, I found Hello Fresh much easier to follow and faster to make. Some Blue Apron meals literally took me a couple hours each, which was way too much. I think the longest meal prep time I did for Hello Fresh was 30 minutes. (And I cooked Blue Apron meals from a fully stocked kitchen, whereas when I had Hello Fresh I only had two pots.) They both had healthy food options, though—it just depends what you select for your box each week. And the food from both was delicious!

      1. Retirednow*

        I know you didn’t ask this, but I would wonder if they would want a service like this? I have some older friends who tried every service mentioned here and they was still too much work connected with it or the food items were not of good quality.

        One couple I wound up buying an instant pot so they could cook simple meals for themselves. Is that an option?

        1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          My mom is done with cooking. She recently told me that she has started eating frozen Stouffer meals frequently. If I can find something just as easy but higher quality, I think she would like it.

          3. GradSchoolRedux*

            I currently use Daily Harvest, which is basically (healthier) fresh frozen food. I just use it for the smoothie mixes but they also have entrees. I’d agree with the others, though, that it sounds like even Hello Fresh would be too much work and maybe something like Daily Harvest or Factor would be better. A friend has told me good things about Factor, though I’ve not tried it myself.

    6. Former Chef*

      We’ve tried several and have been really happy with Mighty Meals. No prep needed and you can get meals or a la carte proteins or sides. No subscription needed and the variety is terrific. For meal prep kits, I loved them, but my parents did not. Hello fresh and Martha Stewart’s line were my favorite ones, but occasionally had leaking raw chicken or bad produce. We also tried another one that consistently arrived late and way over temp. I think it was Cook Unity and they delivered in thin ‘insulated’ bags from way too far away using an unreliable delivery service.

    7. Generic Name*

      Do they want to do cooking for themselves? Both my grandmother and my husband’s grandmother were/are just Done Cooking once their respective husbands were gone in their 80s. My grandmother lived in a retirement community and ate at the cafeteria and did Trader Joe’s meals when she didn’t feel like venturing out of her apartment.

    8. HannahS*

      The new trendy thing among my colleagues is Factor, which is owned by Hello Fresh. It’s microwave-ready meals, refrigerated but not frozen. They look (and smell) really good and seem healthy enough. Maybe worth looking into if they just want to pop something in the microwave. If we didn’t keep kosher, I’d seriously consider it at least for periods of time when we’re really busy.

    9. California Dreamin’*

      I ordered HelloFresh meals for my mom (now 84) when she could still (kind of) cook but not think of what to make or grocery shop, then we switched to factor when even the chopping and cooking was too much. I thought the factor meals looked pretty nice and there was a good selection, but I never actually ate one myself.

    10. nonprofit director*

      Some people have mentioned Factor. I recently started getting meals from Factor and I am so far pleased. The food tastes good, good use of seasonings, the ingredients seem pretty good. I do some cooking and I’m not interested in a service where I still have to chop and cook, so Factor works for me. I get six meals a week and it’s about $14/meal. The price goes down the more you get. The only caveat is if your parents are vegetarian, there are not a lot of options. And if you want higher-end meats like steak and salmon, it’s extra. But I am going to stick with it for a while. I am recently widowed and just can’t get into cooking like I used to, but I still want to eat well and healthy.

  50. J Mar*

    I thought AAM readers would get a laugh out of this. My four year old has decided he thinks I’m Jewish and when we were out shopping, he brought a menorah and what looked like hanukah christmas ornaments over and put them in our cart for me. (the context is that I’m white and my husband is brown. my kids look much more like my husband and don’t think of themselves as white. and some of the white people we know in our neighborhood are Jewish. so preschool logic led to my needing hanukah balls.)

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      This reminds me of reading Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones when she talked about doing a writing workshop in an eighth grade class in Minnesota. She walked in eating an apple and it struck her that all of these kids would now think that all Jews eat apples.

      For some reason, that stuck with me, probably because it’s so easily overlooked, but yep, kids really do make these kinds of associations quite easily. But gosh, the kind of mental gymnastics they had to do to figure that out!

      This is a great story!

    4. HannahS*

      That’s very funny. A friend of a friend (a non-Jewish couple, coincidentally also a white mom and brown dad) sent their kid to the JCC daycare because it was down the street. One day in April, the little boy scolded his dad for buying bread, saying, “No Daddy, it’s chametz!” I don’t think the parents even knew it was Passover. At that point they felt it was probably time to switch daycares!

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I love this so much. Friends of mine sent their kids to a JCC preschool and attended every holiday event, from decorating the sukkah to Purim parties. They (the parents) learned a lot in those years!

  51. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    Gift Ideas?

    Any good gift ideas out there?

    Mine: Penzy’s spices is having a gift card special – $35 for a $50 card. Plus they have a lot of good sets for gift giving (and a lot of salt free blends for people on low salt diets.)

    1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Also, anyone near central Ohio (or willing to drive there) The Wilds has a winter Rhino Barn tour that is awesome. (google ‘the wilds cumberland ohio’) Its a great “experience” gift.

          1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

            Yes
            And you can pet them

            It’s a small group tour to 2 large rhino barns. Dress for the weather and mud though the barns are warmer than outside. Definitely worth the price and travel time

        2. Clisby*

          Oh, yes. I’ve been to The Wilds several times (my husband is from that part of Ohio). Rhinos, giraffes, African wild dogs (by far the most frightening looking creature there, and there were a couple of cheetahs too). It’s a really interesting place.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Today and tomorrow (that is, through the end of day Sunday 12/8), Target is doing 10% off one gift card up to $500, as in you can pay $450 for a $500 gift card. I personally do it every year for a discount on a couple months worth of my regular shopping – mine is a super target so I do grocery shopping there.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Just a note, it’s up to $500 in gift cards but you can buy multiple in one transaction. We usually buy a big one for ourselves and a smaller one to give to our mail carrier.

      2. anonymous anteater*

        another deal is that home Depot gift cards are now 10% off when you buy them with chase points.

    4. Victoria, Please*

      I’m struggling to figure out how to send chocolate to several different family members without paying more in shipping than the chocolate costs. Also without using Amazon if possible, or Godiva since their practices are dicey.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Some chocolatiers have free shipping on orders over a certain amount. For example, Malley’s Chocolates (delicious) has free shipping over $85

      2. mreasy*

        Dick Taylor in California is offering free shipping. For east coast, Fruition is excellent and doesn’t charge an arm and a leg. If you can find a craft chocolate maker in the state where each person lives, you are likely to avoid big shipping costs. It’s a bit of Google leg work but could be a fun way to introduce your recipient to a new company they like.

    5. Victoria, Please*

      But my gift idea, if appropriate for your audience, is a sampler pack of Jack Daniels for $17. Five, 50-mL bottles of No. 7, Gentleman Jack, Select, Honey, and Cinnamon. Attractively packaged. I recently visited the JD factory in Tennessee and it was *surprisingly fascinating* and they are a very good local employer.

    6. Sloanicota*

      Oh, thanks for this, I had one tricky person left on my list and I think spices would be perfect for them

        1. anonymous anteater*

          I got regifted a set of smokey maple syrups a while ago and would like to repurchase – they were great!

    8. GoryDetails*

      I love Penzeys! If any of your giftees might like something a bit more exotic, Saltbush Kitchen in Australia has little gift sets of Australian spices – quite pricey if you go by cost per ounce, but the gift box I got (the Baker Pack) included a kitchen towel along with the three tiny spice containers. (Am now a huge fan of wattleseed, fwiw.)

      If your giftees already live in Australia, this might not be such a good idea {grin}.

    9. Bluebell Brenham*

      I love the Radical Tea Towel company. In addition to tea towels with great quotes, they have aprons, coasters, calendars, etc. There is a literary dogs tea towel and a suffragette cat one. For pure snark, Buffalovely is very funny and has a mug that say “go ahead, call HR” – I bought it for a relative and it stays at home!

    10. Anono-me*

      I always keep a few gift bags with a good charging brick, a portable charging battery and several good charging cords, including an extra long one.

      I’ve given sick blenders and fleece blanket wraps to almost everyone in my circle. (Imagine a warm minke fleece poncho with the slit doen the front actually being a full cut. )

      If someone you gift to is big in to wood working ot home DIY, they probably have a set of cordless tools. If you know the brand, a new lightweight battery would be a nice gift. Just be sure it is the right brand as they are not interchangeable.

      A good long window scraper/brush for car owners in snowy areas.

      I also have donated to people’s favorite causes in their name. (But this is only people who need for nothing and are adamant that they want nothing and when I am 110% sure of the charity name and it is one I respect myself. )

    11. Clumsy Ninja*

      Flatiron Pepper Company looks interesting and has small gift sets (think gourmet pepper flakes). I ordered one for my brother for Christmas. No idea how good it is yet, though.

  52. Elder Cat - Homeopathic Recommendations for Sinus Issue*

    I have an elderly cat who has a respiratory issue. Rx. antibiotics only work for a bit, and I’m have a hard time giving him them (both him being resistant and me feeling terrible about how I have to bully him physically to get them in him). I will look at the other thread of recommendations on getting cats their medicines.

    And I am wondering if anyone has recommendations for homeopathic medicines, or good-for-cats food that might support a cat’s respiratory system. Or how would I explore some alternative medicine vet practitioners? I am in No. California.

    What he has is not contagious to other cats; other cats in the household never had had respiratory problems.

    My little guy is maybe 19; a friend rescued him. He sleeps right next to my head.

    1. allx*

      We had a friend who had a Burmese with chronic respiratory issue his whole life. They used a nebulizer for daily treatments of albuterol (IIRC). They put the cat into a fish aquarium with a comfy cat cushion/towel on the bottom, and there was a kind of make shift cardboard lid to go over the top (held down by a big book). The drug went from the nebulizer through a tube into the fish tank (cat tank) where the cat sat for about 20 minutes. It worked well.

    3. sswj*

      Has the vet said that it’s bacterial and needs medicating? Some cats have a chronic herpes virus infection that presents with upper respiratory symptoms. I have 2 cats with this, and the severity seems to come and go irrespective of any medications given.

      There is slight evidence that lysine supplementation can help, though it didn’t do much for mine. I feel terrible for them when they’re in an upswing of the disease, but in truth they themselves don’t seem to care much. I have on occasion done a sort of steam therapy for them (with me in the bathroom when I shower, warm wet compresses on their face and nose) , but other than that there really isn’t much we can do, sadly. I wish there were a kitty decongestant, but short of steroids (which are not a good idea long term) there just isn’t much to be done :(

    4. Wolf*

      I had an 18-year-old rescue cat! They’re amazing.

      My cat took any medication as long as it was served with a tiny blob of cottage cheese. I know it isn’t perfect, but at some point, getting the medication in mattered more than the small amount of unhealthy food.

  53. Sigh Literally Why*

    My narcissist MIL who called my baby destructive, who told my SO to their face she regretted having him, and tried to get my SO to wash her clothes when baby was in the hospital refused to move into the apt her kids chose for her and is instead living in a hotel draining her savings. Social workers can’t do anything until she drains all her finances. I wish she cared about her grandkids but she doesn’t and I wish she were resilient but she isn’t. How do you reconcile yourself with someone like her? My boss is so much more of a blessed kind in-law than she’ll ever be and. oof.

    1. Jen*

      Don’t.

      She sounds horrible. Your baby and your SO’s worth have nothing to do with what she said. What she said is only about her and no one else.

      I could see visiting her once a year if she doesn’t make any nasty comments, and possibly nothing else. Other than that leave well alone. Plenty of kids don’t grow up with all their grandparents.

      On the other hand, why isn’t she picking her own apartment?

      1. Sigh Literally Why*

        Thanks….she just has her head in the sand. She’s outwardly able-bodied but claims victimization and cosplays poverty for lack of a better term. She refused to search for an apartment, her kids found one for her, she created drama, refused to sign anything, realized nobody would take her in, decided on a hotel. I think she enjoys causing others pain. I’m just so happy we have boundaries.

        1. Jen*

          Don’t take someone seriously if they claim poverty on one hand and stay in a hotel rather than rent an apartment on the other hand. Assuming the hotel is not giving her some ridiculous deal. And if she’s an adult with no sign of dementia or illness, she has to be allowed to make her own choices and deal with the consequences of them.

    2. HannahS*

      I’m sorry, that sounds so hard. There are two sayings that I often repeat to myself:
      “You can’t make other people’s choices for them” and what I learned from a supervisor when working in palliative care: “People die as they lived.” Meaning, it’s actually rare for people to drastically change in old age or when they’re dying. Mostly, if someone was a narcissist who made incomprehensible choices all their life, that’s how they’ll go out. It sounds like you kind of do accept that–you wish that she was more resilient, but she isn’t. That’s acceptance. For me, I can feel really sad and sometimes angry with family members for being, well, who they are, and ultimately I just let myself feel my feelings without any expectation that things will change or that theres anything I should do about it, other than hold boundaries.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      OK. Seconding the don’t thing. Please seek out Jerry Wise on the tube of you. My mom was NPD and not to diagnose stuff, your family member might qualify. Please check out NPD stuff on the internet and good luck to you.

    4. Harlowe*

      I’d love to tell you this isn’t your problem, but if you’re in a filial responsibility state it could actually be your problem. You may want to talk to an estate attorney to figure out what you can be forced to do.

      1. Rainy*

        Maybe, but even though there are still filial responsibility laws on the books in 29 states, apparently many of those states have never enforced those laws. And while obviously something that affects Sigh Literally Why’s spouse will affect them to some degree, the filial responsibility in question would be their spouse’s, not theirs. It’s not “in-law responsibility” after all.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          But it’s $$$ responsibility, so it doesn’t really matter to try to keep the spouses separate in this context.

          1. Rainy*

            I expect it depends a lot on the state/s in question and how the OP and their spouse handle their money, but regardless, it’s not actually worth worrying about filial responsibility laws unless a family law/estate attorney says they’re a concern. Even though they remain on the books in over half of states, very few states actually enforce them.

    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      This is a little flip, but you know how Alison says “your boss sucks and is not going to change”? I definitely feel like there’s a similar saying to be coined about “ your (older) relative sucks and isn’t going to change” I think you’re just going to have to breathe through it and wait for natural consequences to happen. Sorry!

    6. AnonAnon*

      You don’t. My mother is the same. Been NC from her for over 25 years and it was the best decision ever. You can’t treat someone like that like they’re normal. Because they’re not. She’s draining her finances to keep you all enmeshed in her drama and in her.
      I discovered Jerry Wise on YouTube and wow, does he have a great process for getting these crazy people out of your head! I feel better than I’ve ever felt, even after years of counseling.
      Good luck with this. I totally empathize.

    7. Rainy*

      By “reconcile yourself” do you mean “come to a reconciliation with the shitbag in-law” or “find some internal peace with doing what needs to be done and letting her FAFO”? If the former, you don’t have to reconcile with someone toxic. If the latter, that’s harder since you seem like a nice person, but think about how you’d feel if your MIL was just a random person treating someone you loved like garbage–would you feel you had to intervene with that rando experiencing the natural consequences of their poor decisions?

  54. Wrench Turner*

    Just here to say this picture looks like so many executive meetings I’ve been around.
    One just has so much to say.
    One is actively trying to leave.
    One clearly doesn’t know what’s going on.
    One knows this could have been an email.

    2. 653-CXK*

      “Wair ar the kardz? We plai birdj on Saturdees & weer treyeing owt a noo bidding cawnvenshun. Don’t worree – nao monee is invawlved.”

  55. Pro Bonobo*

    Has anyone ever *successfully* argued to a significant other that if they don’t like the way you do a household task, e.g. load the dishwasher to choose a not entirely random example but only one of many, that they could consider doing the task themselves?

    I’m genuinely asking, has this ever gone productively? Because I’d love to know the strategy of having this go productively. Instead of being a Cranky Bonobo trying to pick a fight?

    1. Jay*

      Sort of, with an old GF.
      It was in the context of swapping tasks.
      I took over mopping the floors and they took over dishes.
      We had nice shiny floors and I didn’t flood half the kitchen every time we needed a spoon washed.
      Without a quid-pro-quo arrangement?
      Nothing but disaster.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Sort of? My husband has Feels about the care and handling of big kitchen knives and was like “look, I know you don’t care, but watching you deal with them sets my teeth on edge, so just rinse them when you’re done with them and I’ll take care of them from there.” So he hand washes them (and usually slices up my kitchen sponge :-P ) and hones them and has them sharpened sometimes and whatever, and I just use them and rinse them and leave them for him. It went fine for us. I don’t remember if I ever actually said from my side, “if you don’t like the way I handle the knives you can do it.” I’m sure I thought it.

    5. anonymous anteater*

      I’m occasionally on the other side of this! When I start micromanaging my husband’s excessive use of dish detergent, or how to hang the laundry, he lovingly reminds me that I can let him do it his way, or I can do it myself. I usually back off!

    6. Abigail*

      This is okay if both partners are acting in good faith and they both have a few things they like done a particular way.

      Where this tends to break down is this attitude is a really easy way for one person to do things halfway and trigger the “if you want it done a particular way, do it yourself” line.

      I would zoom out a bit on this and say something like “I am tired of fighting about the dishwasher. Can we make that your chore and I will pick up vacuuming?”

      If you offer to replace the chore instead of pushing off on them it will probably go better.

    7. Girasol*

      We usually just said “moose turd pie” and that ended the discussion one way or the other. It’s from a Utah Phillips comedy routine that you can get on youtube. We both knew it. It kinda gets the point across.

    8. Brevity*

      Much like what Jay said above, you can make this into an agreement. Think carefully about something SF doesn’t really care about but you do, and then set up the exchange: “I’ll load the dishwasher “right” if you start doing Thing the way I like it.” Example: Mr. Brevity is weirdly particular that all the tea bags face the same direction. I am weirdly particular about which kitchen implements go in which drawer, by color. I am careful to make sure that all the teabags face the same direction, even though I think it’s dumb; he makes sure to out the Blue Things in the blue drawer and the Black-and-Silver Things into the black-and-silver drawer, even though he think it’s dumb.

      If that doesn’t work, well. there’s always counseling.

    10. mittens*

      I went the other way. I do about 90% of the cooking. Early on, my spouse criticized the way I made rice. I dropped my end of the rope – he has mostly made the rice for the last 20 years. I’ve made it a handful of times. We may have had a conversation about it, it was 20 years ago, I don’t remember. My attitude is mostly: if you don’t like the way I do something, you’ve just won that task.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I really need to know how each of you make rice now! I’ve got a few different methods and am always looking for a better way.

        1. Clisby*

          I think the best way is to use a stovetop rice steamer, but I’ve come to realize this seems to be mostly a Southern thing, at least in the US. Both my kids could make perfect rice by the time they were about 8 years old; I’m pretty sure it’s the first thing they learned to cook independently.

          This is not an electric appliance; it’s a little like a double boiler. I’m 71, and cannot remember a time when my parents didn’t have one. Mine is probably 18-20 years old.

        2. Chauncy Gardener*

          Ooh. I’ve been using RecipeTin Eats method for making rice for about a year now. Perfect every time!

    11. HannahS*

      Hm, I’ve never done it in exactly those words, but I’ve definitely said quite firmly that I don’t need to be micromanaged on how to fry a sausage, which combined with an exasperated sigh and raised eyebrows, got my point across.

    12. Not A Manager*

      Why do you need to “argue” this “successfully”? If you’re willing to do these chores so long as you can do them your own way, keep doing them your own way. When your SO starts to critique, tell them that your method is not up for discussion, but next time if they get to it first, they can do it. Then disengage. If you need to physically leave, preface that in a calm tone so you’re not storming out. “This really isn’t up for discussion. I’m heading out for a cup of coffee – want me to bring you anything?”

      1. Pro Bonobo*

        would you really honest to bonobo be able to say that, *like that*, to a significant other? because that’s the dream, isn’t it.

        1. allathian*

          Depends on the spouse.

          I’m very particular about how the dishwasher is loaded, to the point that if my husband does it partway, I’ll go and move the dishes so I know they’ll be clean. Now it’s my chore because he can never fill a dishwasher to my satisfaction.

          To be fair, my husband’s high energy and I’m not, so he does nearly all of the cooking and most of the cleaning, especially bathrooms, as well as nearly all yardwork (I’m responsible for planting and weeding, which I mostly delegate to our son and my MIL who misses her garden, but only for as long as she wants and is physically able to do it), and he has sole responsibility for vehicle maintenance. Our cars are at least 10 years old and my husband likes to fix them as a hobby.

          I do most of the laundry although he does that when I’m particularly tired. All of us take turns vacuuming, dusting, and taking out the trash.

          My husband mostly cooks and preps, our son will lay the table and sometimes help with prep and cleanup, I’m responsible for the cleanup. And I’ve taught our son to fill the dishwasher my way. ;) Our son’s responsible for cleaning his own room and for ensuring that his dirty laundry gets into the utility room and his clean clothes get folded away. Generally he’ll help with hanging up the clean laundry, we don’t have a spin drier.

    13. Old Plant Woman*

      Oh I’m not doing it as well as you could? Sounds like you want to do it yourself. Said casually as was walking away. When I came back it was either done or he was busy some place else. The real problem though was that he wanted to boss me because that was the way he was raised. And I let him get away with it for far too long because that was the way I was raised.

    14. Zona the Great*

      I believe in cleaning to the standards of the person with higher standards, quite frankly. We all can learn how to do things better.

    15. Rainy*

      I am the one who is the more particular of my spouse and me, in general, and I try to remind myself that if it gets done and I didn’t have to do it that’s a win, unless it’s being done in a way that is actually a problem.

      One thing that helps me is not hovering while he’s doing a chore that I feel like he does “incorrectly” (loading the dishwasher is one of those, actually–I have no idea how he simultaneously manages to get very little into the dishwasher and have half of it still come out dirty, it’s kind of impressive). I have also found that if I can keep my mouth shut when he’s doing something in a way that is, broadly speaking, effective but not how I would do it, it makes him more likely to listen when I say “YOU CAN’T DO THAT” about stuff where it’s a real problem–because that does happen too. So maybe asking your partner to stop hovering or not to watch if it’s upsetting them. And maybe a broader discussion sometime not in the heat of the moment about chore splitting and how part of splitting them is *letting the person who has offered to do them actually do them*.

      1. Rainy*

        Ah–Mr Rainy says that it’s also important that the less picky partner do those tasks to a reasonable standard, and not half-ass them.

        Because as much as you might want to say “fine, you do it then,” you can’t actually stop doing your 50% of the chores. You live there too, and you are responsible for half the physical, task-based maintenance of the household you inhabit.

        1. allathian*

          In general I agree with you, but only as long as everyone’s able bodied and healthy (or equally decrepit, I guess). My husband has a lot more energy than I do, and if I did a full 50 percent of the chores, I wouldn’t have the energy for anything else including FT work. So he does most of it, I do what I can, when I can. The only thing I always do is fill the dishwasher because I really CAN’T tolerate dishes coming out dirty from a badly loaded dishwasher. It’s my hill to die on.

          1. allathian*

            In our case, my husband’s also the one who absolutely wanted to live in a one-family house. I’ve lived in apartments pretty much all my life, and I would never have accepted the burden of caring for a house on my own. We built our house with the understanding that he’d do the vast majority of the tasks related to house and garden maintenance.

            He runs marathons, I have to rest if I walk more than a mile.

          2. Rainy*

            Well, sure. From each according to their ability, etc–what I was trying to say was that a higher earner doesn’t get to go “well I don’t have to do anything because my contribution is money.”

    1. Generic Name*

      They are both officially old enough for real legos! Fisher price imaginext toys have been a hit with both son and nephew. Same with hex bugs. And tracks for hot wheels.

      2. Grandma Mazur*

        seconding magnetites! very popular in our house (but the three yo might need help). also Duplo.

        1. Incinuendo*

          Thirding MagnaTiles and Duplo blocks. I do child-led play based assessments with the 3-5 year old crowd and they almost always go for the MagnaTiles. Plus you can buy sets to add on to the original kit for a few celebrations to come! Vehicles/trains with ramps and roads/tracks are good options too.

    3. Brevity*

      Books, books, books, always books. Be the Aunt Junebug who always buys books, you will always have literally thousands of choices, no matter what age they are.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      There is a real deep, visceral appeal to the grabber claw. Most toy stores will have one.

      Kids are short and flexible and don’t need a grabber claw to get something off the floor the way a 50 year old recovering from surgery might. But as with the enduring appeal of Rube Goldberg contraptions, kids love grabber claws.

      Also at this age plastic animals–either sized to fit in one hand, or smaller and you get a tube of dinosaurs/sharks/African savannah animals–are really good for play.

    5. Myself*

      That’s a good age for play food. Melissa and Doug make wonderful sets. My kids loved the Ice Cream Counter and the pizza set.

  57. Gaia*

    I am looking for suggestions for a birthday trip. Next August I have a milestone birthday coming up and I want to go on a (possibly solo) trip. I have a few requirements: it must be warm and it must avoid the risk of hurricanes (so the Caribbean is out). I would prefer it to be outside of the US and I’d like a place where I can both relax and find lots of activities to do when I want to be active.

    Bonus points if it is a place that is less touristy or an off season location.

      1. Travel for Life*

        Aruba, Bonaire, and Curacao are far enough south in the Caribbean to avoid hurricane action. Curacao is slightly cheaper than Aruba and has many things to do. You can rent a car safely and cheaply and drive around the island yourself. Been a few times during hurricane season, had great weather and loved the island! It really depends on whether you are looking to relax or adventure, and what your budget is for other recommendations.

      2. Wolf*

        +1 for the Alps! In August it will be warm but not hot. And no matter if french, swiss, german or austrian alps: it is safe to travel and hike alone, and the local cuisine is amazing.

  58. Anonymous Mom*

    I have an elementary-aged child who was diagnosed with ADHD over the summer. we have had him in different OT groups and socialization programs for years. His most pressing problem is impulse control. We have a medication consult with
    his pediatrician scheduled for later this month. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. He can’t or won’t follow any of my directions and it feels impossible to do anything else when he can’t listen and just…exist calmly. I understand that kids require hands-on interaction and I DO that with him, I am very involved, but I am so exhausted and I also have other, younger kids who need me. It hasn’t been easy in the past but now it just feels like it’s been getting worse and harder for the past month. Please, does anyone have any advice. I just need to hear that this can get easier because I’m at the end of my rope. Thank you.

    1. KathyG*

      Medication can make a huge difference, although it may take a few tries to get the one that’s right for your kid.

      PRO tip: find out at the first visit whether refills need any special procedures (stimulant-based ones often do). Make the next appointment before you leave.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Psychiatry office manager for years. If you think your child might benefit from consulting with a child psychiatrist, maybe start working to line that up right now. The New Patient waiting lists are so long!
          You don’t want to begin your search only after the third med trial doesn’t succeed. You might be waiting another 6 or 8 months.
          (The doc I worked for felt strongly that PCP’s were missing some important education/experience re choosing and prescribing psych meds. Not unbiased, perhaps, but a useful perspective.)

        2. RagingADHD*

          Your pediatrician may refer you to a psychiatrist or psych nurse practitioner for medication management. In the US, it is pretty standard that ADHD meds can only be prescribed for 3 months at a time, which requires 4 visits a year. Many GP offices prefer to outsource that, so they can have more appts available for acute patients.

      2. Generic Name*

        Yeah, stimulant meds were a godsend for my kiddo, but the refills were a PITA. My son was diagnosed adhd at age 7 and he’s now 18 and a senior in high school about to graduate and attend the college of his choice next year. He’s not on any meds at all. ADHD meds are very stigmatized, but I think it’s undeserved. I could totally tell the days he missed a dose. I remember he didn’t take his dose one day during the summer when we were visiting my old high school during my reunion weekend. It took ME so much energy to corral his endless energy. It makes me smile now, but I was so exhausted then.

        1. Anonymous Mom*

          My husband and I are open to trying meds but my hesitancy is 1) ADHD diagnoses are now so prevalent, it makes me worry that the criteria are way too broad (also all behavioral, it’s not like you can do a blood test or a CT scan to diagnose ADHD) and we may be over medicating the general population and 2) he’s just so young and I wonder what the long-term effects are. How did your son go from taking meds to being off them now?

          1. RagingADHD*

            The long term risks of ADHD meds are much lower than the risks of unmedicated ADHD for those who need it, and more so for those who have impulsive or hyperactive traits dominant. As a matter of fact, the risks are lower than the long term risks of overusing caffeine (a common way of self-medicating).

            At your child’s age, the main risk is accidental injury. As a teen, the big risks are self-medicating with other substances that make them feel “normal” or quiet noisy thoughts, or from reckless driving and other impulsive/risk-taking behavior.

            ADHD is a developmental difference, and some kids develop their executive function later than average. Executive function development requires practice. Meds can help kids put in the practice.

            Other non-med activities that are proven to help with executive function in small children include lots of “green time” (outdoor play), unstructured long-form pretend play (such as when kids have a running story they play together, like superheroes, animals, etc), as consistent a sleep schedule as possible, and a variety of full-body stimulation like swinging, spinning, and rolling downhill.

            IE, take every opportunity to let him run wild in the backyard or a park with his buddies, because it grows his brain.

          2. Generic Name*

            The good thing about stimulant meds is the effects wear off very quickly, and there are no withdrawal symptoms. There also is no lengthy period of figuring out if they’re working, so if your child takes one dose and you don’t see improvement you can stop the medication.

            My son started taking meds around age 7. In middle school, we changed insurance, and the new plan didn’t cover the medication he was on but covered a different stimulant med, so we switched to that. Son said he didn’t like how he felt in on the new stuff so I told him he could stop taking it, but he needed to be able to be more in control of his behavior (basically, I wanted any issues he might be having to be what would be typical for a kid his age). It was a little bumpy, but he got through middle school mostly ok. (I got divorced and then the pandemic happened during this time) By high school, he had zero behavioral issues at school. He gets good grades and will be attending college next fall.

          3. Rainy*

            When we stopped tying lefties’ left hands to their belts and forcing them to write with their right hands, the number of left-handed people increased. As assessment methods get better, and as we understand ADHD better, of course diagnoses of something first unidentified and then poorly understood have been increasing.

            It is possible for most (not all) people with ADHD to be successful at the usual run of school, work, etc without medication, but it is a lot easier to be successful *with* medication, because 90% of your effort is no longer spent trying to make up for the things that the ADHD makes harder for you than for someone without ADHD.

    2. Double A*

      How much physical activity and stimulation does he get? If he’s in elementary it seems like he’s old enough for activities where someone else tells him what to do. Gymnastics is a great all body activity. Kids are often better at following directions from people other than their moms (rude, I know).

      Is he old enough to bring into problem solving conversations? Have you explained how his actions are impacting you and the family? Not to make him responsible for your feelings or guilty, but I feel like moms will sometimes neglect to set boundaries with children because mom guilt or something. You can set boundaries with your body and attention.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        My inattentive-type ADD kid and several ADHD classmates did very well with martial arts (taekwondo)–good combination of lots of exercise, individual attention as needed, clear expectations and RESULTS. But it’s important to find the right school. Ask around, look for one that will let you (and the kid) observe a couple of classes, get recommendations from other parents and students. Avoid schools with a strong emphasis on competing in tournaments–that shouldn’t be the main focus.

      2. Anonymous Mom*

        He actually just started swim lessons and really seems to enjoy it, so if there’s a way for him to continue after he actually learns how to swim, I think that could be a good option for him. He tried tae Kwon do a few months ago but really didn’t like it (a mom friend of mine later told me the teacher is kind of monotone and I guess kids either love or hate it). He’s interested in lots of sports but the social aspect has been such an issue (ie him bothering kids in class etc) that I worry about him being on a team and whether it would help or worsen the situation. definitely worth looking into gymnastics, thanks for the suggestion.

        Re: speaking to him about family impact, I think he understands and feels bad but can’t control himself. I do set boundaries, we do have consequences when those aren’t respected, but it feels kind of pointless because it seems like he can’t control himself.

        1. Double A*

          I’m keeping an eye on my daughter for inattentive type ADHD and one thing she really enjoys is intense sensations. She likes being hugged hard (like, squeeze until she says “Too tight!”), being tickled, shaken, bounced, and generally kind of thrown around. I know enjoying this kind of sensory input is pretty common for kids with ADHD. So that could be something to try when he’s being out of sorts (if he likes it!). Trampolines and swings are also things that help some kids (those small inside ones).

          The book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” has some general good advice about communicating with kids.

          Many of my favorite people have ADHD but that also that means I’m aware of the challenging pieces as well. Good luck!

    3. Abigail*

      Do you have a partner or co-parent?

      Prioritize one-on-one time with your kids. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time and it doesn’t have to be a super special activity. It will be meaningful to your younger children to get your, and their other parent, undivided attention.

    4. Part time lab tech*

      You will find ways to manage better because you love him enough to try. You will work out that one person’s suggestion helps and abandon a different suggestion because it just didn’t work for your family. You will experiment and learn and it will get easier. And then it will stop working and you will experiment some more and it will get easier again.
      If there’s any one you can trust to do something non directive and active with him for a couple of hours, that can really help to give you a break. I’m thinking of a local creek or a hike or a physical craft like clay sculpture.
      I have a boy with ADHD and he is getting better as he gets into high school. He still has destructive meltdowns occasionally. My husband and I take it in turns sometimes to give each other a break or have relatives take them over the holidays for a couple of days. After a couple of experiences where he would just stop being cooperative halfway through a term after enjoying an activity for 1 or 2 terms, we have decided he is has to take a term break after two terms, even if he says he wants to continue. He can go back after that. He’s on his third term of woodwork but took a break last term. Personality fit is very important for him. Some teachers handle him beautifully and some just can’t engage, he doesn’t want to be there and it’s like pulling teeth.
      Medication varies hugely from child to child. For us it made a small improvement, enough to continue.
      However we have a strong family history of food intolerance and allergy so avoiding processed and other triggering foods helps more in some ways. Food intolerance is dose dependent so it has improved as he’s gotten bigger. We were never really able to work out more exactly what he is sensitive to but limiting strong flavoured foods and food additives helps us.
      You’ve got a one third chance of that last paragraph being completely irrelevant for your family and one third of it really helping but it’s similiar with medications.

      1. Anonymous Mom*

        Thank you, this is very encouraging. My husband and I spoke about how there has been a lot of progress with certain behaviors even if it seems like we are seeing regression in other areas now. I’ve heard from other parents too that medication is somewhat trial and error, and then one that used to work will stop working for instance once the kid starts puberty. it feels like a long road ahead.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Anecdotally, and not giving medical advice at all, in the old days parents with hyperactive kids were counseled to give them a cup of coffee. This is a very low-risk, over the counter way to test a stimulant, and it might provide some relief until you see the doc.

      1. Anonymous Mom*

        Rightly or wrongly, I keep wondering where these kids were in generations past and how their parents handled their challenges (surely some more constructively than others). my parents are old-school in the sense that they think we aren’t strict enough and if we were that would somehow change things. I wonder if part of the difference is that kids used to have much more independence earlier on (eg play outside with friends until the streetlights come on) or many were living on farms an should use their energy “constructively” :)

        1. Not A Manager*

          Kids definitely face more challenges in terms of an environment that encourages multitasking and rewards short attention spans, and they generally get less free play and outdoor time in school than they used to. But also, just because something now has a name and a public face doesn’t mean that it’s a new phenomenon. A lot of kids back then were just labeled as bad or stupid, and were punished or ignored; like lots of people with sub-optimal childhood experiences, some of them survived okay and some of them didn’t.

          But in a funny way, I think in the old days there could be more “acceptance” as it were, even if that was in a negative sense. Once a kid was labeled as stupid, people stopped trying to make them conform or to remediate them. Maybe they dropped out of school, or maybe they went into a profession that didn’t require formal schooling (easier then than now), or maybe they did okay in school but not great, but I think fewer adults spent as much time and energy trying to channel those kids into succeeding in a mainstream school setting. I’m not saying this was better, just that it was different.

          I know you’re looking for ways to address the ADHD and behavioral issues, but if you can, it might be helpful (or at least pleasant) for all of you to find activities that your child can excel at with the skills he has. Some thoughts:
          – drama, especially improv
          – individual sports such as climbing or swimming
          – group music in a genre he likes. My kids really loved School of Rock and it was an excellent growth experience for them, but it’s spendy
          – tinkering and building. I loved “shop” when I was a kid but I don’t think any schools offer that anymore. If you can limit his activities to situations where he’s unlikely to seriously injure himself, or find him decent supervision, he might really like making stuff

          1. anon non-neurotypical school psych*

            I have worked at many school districts and I think the only one that didn’t have “shop” was a district that was so small that the graduating class was four students (yes, 4). I guess my state may be the outlier state that still has shop classes, but I somehow doubt it.

        2. RagingADHD*

          The collection of symptoms we now call ADHD was first recognized and documented by medical professionals in the early 20th century, when it was called “morally defective and constitutionally incorrigible.”

          This had a different connotation in context than it sounds now. It literally meant that these kids seemed unable to act the way they should, even though they understood the rules and often wanted to do well, and that punishment did not correct their behavior.

          The privileged had people to smooth their path, or (as now) those fortunate enough to find work that suited them could afford to hire people to clean, cook, keep them organized, etc. Those who did not were not highly visible in society because without intervention or support, mild cases tended to just be underemployed, poor, and “weird.” Severe cases tended to wind up in jail, in institutions, or die young. The increase in diagnosis and intervention, particularly since the 1980s, means that more people have a shot at normal lives.

          1. Anonymous Mom*

            Thank you so much for this – are there any books available that go into this history more? I really appreciate your insight here.

        3. Rainy*

          I’m one of those generations past kids. I’m almost 50 and when I was a kid I wasn’t aware of ADHD as a thing–it’s been in the DSM since the 60s but I don’t remember ever hearing anything about it until the very late 80s or the early 90s. ADHD is also genetic, so you’re virtually always going to have at least one parent who has some similar behaviors and is either a good parent with some sympathy and strategies to offer, or a bad parent who handles it poorly (but would have handled literally anything poorly).

          Sending kids out to roam the countryside until dark doesn’t “handle” anything, it just moves it to a space where the parent isn’t having to look at it.

  59. Gran*

    I’m in the UK and we have two drip coffee machines (filter machines for the Brits) – one for half caf and one for decaf. We also own an aeropress and a Moka pot. My suspicion is that capsule coffee machines are by far the most common coffee machines in the UK now. It’s unusual though not rare to see espresso machines (can’t comment on the quality of these – we had a cheap one and decided to get rid of it and just drink filter at home and espresso-based drinks at cafes).

  60. 40ish*

    I loved „All fours“! Thought it was a hilarious book, and really made me more aware of the troubles of perimenopause (which awaits me in a few years.

  61. Elizabeth West*

    Alison, you clearly interrupted a meeting. :D

    There is still a mouse in here. I think it’s just one, judging by the small amount of poo — the space under the baseboard registers is foam-blocked to the max in every room, and I trapped the other one that was stuck in here a while ago.

    The taco chips aren’t working for this one. I tried making a little peanut butter and oatmeal ball, and just smearing some PB on the teeth of the trap, but I guess this one doesn’t like peanut butter either. Any ideas what I can use for surefire bait? I’m thinking just to mash American cheese into the trap well.

    I hate this. If it were a Disney mouse that could talk and not poop on stuff, I wouldn’t mind!

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        I really thought the seance was a suggestion for communicating with the mouse, and was so confused!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      My mice have figured out that the cats have an instinct to chase them when they sprint erratically, and so now they sit and have stare downs with a cat.

    5. BlueWolf*

      I think sometimes chocolate will work. I’m surprised the peanut butter didn’t work. When we’ve had mice in the past, peanut butter always worked.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I didn’t think of chocolate. Ooh, I have some marshmallow chocolate covered cookies. I’ll try a bit of those.

        Gaw I hope they work. I’m sick of this!

    6. 653-CXK*

      A few months ago, we had a family of the l’il critters attempt to feast on our tortilla chips and we had to call in an exterminator. When we saw rice-like items and I knew the rice was in the pantry, that was the rodent’s #2 calling card.

      I would get a sticky trap and load it with bait. They do love anything with cheese or cheese flavoring, even peanut butter. Also, to repel them, they do not like peppermint and/or cinnamon, so you could sprinkle it around the bait and see if the hardiest of these rodents get through.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Can you try adding a little honey into some almond butter and shaved chocolate? Maybe he has a sweet tooth?

  62. SuprisinglyADHD*

    I’ve been thinking so much about “AI” lately, it seems like it’s suddenly everywhere, and I had a thought. I think we need different vocabulary to talk about it. I’ll be talking to someone who disagrees with me about some topic related to AI and halfway through the conversation I’ll realize that we’re NOT talking about the same thing, the other person is imagining the “AI” we have now as something smart, something that’s making decisions deliberately. But what we have now isn’t that!
    My proposal is that we adopt vocabulary similar to the Mass Effect games. They have two types of computerized minds: Artificial Intelligence (AI), and Virtual Intelligence (VI). In the games, AI is exactly what you’d expect from a sci-fi series: a self-aware, fully conscious, autonomous being who may have external controls to prevent certain actions but makes it’s own decisions. Think HAL 900 or Data from Star Trek. VI on the other hand, is pretty much what we have now: a program or algorithm made for a specific purpose that can’t do anything outside that task. The LLM AI programs that we have now fall into this category, a tool that puts together a set of words that’s statistically likely to be said by a human in response to the prompt. It doesn’t know what the words mean, it doesn’t even know what words ARE, meaning it doesn’t know that it is conveying information beyond the literal letters.
    We don’t have to use those exact words, but I think it would be simpler to talk about “AI” if we have ~some~ type of name for the differences.

    2. A Significant Tree*

      I completely agree but fear we’re losing the battle on accurate terminology. This is a huge challenge in research as well as in media coverage. I’ve been pretty disappointed in the researchers who call everything AI when it clearly isn’t. This leads to (peer-reviewed!) papers where you get statements that explain that “today’s AI isn’t intelligent” which, why are you insisting on calling it AI then? I’ve even seen some papers where past, as in decades-ago, research on automated systems is being ‘retconned’ as AI research. As far as the research goes, it’s probably because there’s more funding available if you make it sound like a Cool New Concept rather than the traditional areas of study, even if it’s fundamentally the same work.

      At this point, I would be happy enough if people were just clear in their descriptions of what the thing does. Call it AI if you must but be clear about what it can and cannot do, and for pity’s sake stop assigning it human qualities.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      This is massively aggravating to me, too! Why are they using such a completely misleading and inaccurate term?
      It’s a totally 1984 vibe.
      I have ranted about this to people who I consider (otherwise) smart people, and they act so casual, like it totally does not matter in any way. As if literal accuracy is irrelevant. As if the implications were not galaxies apart! As if Truth were not a Thing?!?
      Words matter people!

      However.
      I have a dear neighbor who inadvertently has invented the PERFECT substitute term— she calls it “A-1.”
      Yes, like the steak sauce.
      That’s how she perceived it when reading print media.
      (And yes, it did take me a perplexed minute to decipher what she was talking about when she brought it up. We got to have one of those glorious malapropism clarification conversations that are so rare and precious to me, but that’s a different and more cheerful story.)

      Anyway, I hereby humbly suggest that we all start using “A-1” for this current version of… whatever this is, this uncanny questionable dish they are currently serving us.
      (Yes, I’m watching as they carefully DO NOT list the toxic ingredients and potential allergens… Sorry this might be a metaphor too far. But it feels pretty true-to-spirit!)
      And “AI” can retain its original meaning: Data and Hal and MurderBot’s friends. Who are, as yet, NOT currently on tap on today’s internet!

  63. Formerly in HR*

    When I got the visiting mouse, it was at its second visit that I figured out where it came from – a place behind the toilet, where there some wood boards applied applied over the original wall and from a certain angle it was visible that lino was pushed forward just a tiny bit. The traps placed by the specialists did not catch anything. But, searching for possible entrance places I discovered that there were holes everywhere – around the pipes under the kitchen and bathroom sinks, around the heater pipes (and there was poop there, but I never saw a mouse), around the exhaust pipe and so on. I guess in rental buildings they just got things installed and too bad they did not fit the original cutouts. Armed with the knowledge that they can enter a space the size of a pencil head, I looked around and also noticed space between carpet/walls/etc. next to the main door frame, in the corner of the bedroom that borders the balcony and so on. They all got stuffed with steel wool. I am providing these as examples of spaces where they can come in through, after having made their way into the building and nesting between the walls.

  64. Anona-Mouse*

    I’ve come to the reluctant realization that I have a mouse (or maybe a rat) problem. I haven’t actually seen any mice or evidence of them being in any of my living areas (droppings or things being chewed on), but I think I can hear them running around in the space between and under the main floor and in the ceiling of the finished basement, as well as in the interior walls of the rooms in the basement.

    I live in a 55-plus housing development and my unit is part of a duplex. The other side of the duplex has been empty for over a year and I’m inclined to think that the mice have come in through that unit (although I could be wrong about that). The couple that own the unit nextdoor bought and moved into a nearly identical duplex unit down the street in the same development so they are still neighbors. The main difference in the unit down the street is that it has a daylight basement that walks out onto a patio, but it has the same basic floor plan and is nearly identical to the one they moved out of. They have several cars and continue to use the garage of the vacant unit and they have also had guests stay there. They have said that they were not planning on selling it anytime soon and that they were holding onto it as an investment.

    If my unit has this problem, I expect the one next door has it also (shared walls and possible shared open areas in the attic space above the first floor and maybe under the first floor and above the ceilings of the basements). Do you think I should call the exterminator on my own before speaking with the neighbors or after? If I call them do you think I can persuade them into splitting the costs of an inspection and possible remediation if it involves both units? The neighbors appear to be fairly well-to-do and I wouldn’t think that this would cause a severe financial hardship for them. Any suggestions about handling what I expect to be an awkward conversation with them?

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      This makes sense, just explain it like you did here. You have been hearing things in the walls, and the units share attic space, walls, etc. If I were them, I would want to make sure my unit was unaffected. When are you hearing this? Spouse’s fam had the occasional bat in the attic and you could hear it in the ceiling (and we found out that a couple bats came in thru a space by a BASEMENT window) in the evening. Could be anything: neighbors of my dad had racoons get in somehow.

      1. Anona-Mouse*

        I hear this in the middle of the night and early morning before sunrise. Randomly at any time between, say, 3:00am and 7:00am.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Do you own your unit outright, or is it a condo or coop structure. If so, Check your bylaws. Normally anything inside the walls, from wiring to plumbing to vermin, is the management company’s responsibility. Call them. They can arrange to inspect and treat all the affected units.

      1. Anona-Mouse*

        I own the unit outright, but there is an HOA for the development that takes care of the lawns, snow removal, and maintaining our roofs. Most of the units are duplexes like mine, but there are a few single unit houses, as well as a some triplex and 4-plex units.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Definitely call sooner rather than later. Vermin infestations only grow exponentially.

      If your neighbors want this unit as an investment, they should be very interested in doing something about this as soon as possible. It’s no judgement on them or you unless you routinely leave food and such scattered across your floors and driveways. I would research pricing quotes online first, then contact them and be very matter of fact and pleasant–this is a PITA, sure, but it’s also just something that has to be dealt with.

      1. Anona-Mouse*

        Thank you for the very good suggestion as framing it as my neighbors protecting their investment.

  65. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Have you ever had something that was doomed from the start?

    Last year on our annual Christmas trip to Longwood Gardens I bought a $30 ornament. For my budget, that was expensive. When we got home I found it didn’t work. Tried new batteries, nothing. Called the gift shop and after being on hold for 15 minutes got a recording that said to email them. I emailed twice with no response.

    Jump to yesterday when it was again our annual Longwood Gardens trip. On the way out the door I picked up the bag, the ornament was still in the original bag, figuring it was worth a shot to bring it in and speak to someone in person. When I went to check that the tag was still on it…the ornament fell to the floor shattering in a million pieces.

    Anyone else have a doomed from the start story?

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m sure I have, but can’t remember it now. Just wanted to say that your story was really funny and well written!

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