a fellow conference attendee was a jerk on the airplane

by Alison Green on January 14, 2025

A reader writes:

I (a woman) travelled by myself to a work-related conference and encountered some bad behavior on the flight. A quick search on AAM indicated many readers asked questions related to work-related trips with folks within the same company. How about with folks from another company? Other than ignoring and walking away, what would be your take?

A tech-related conference was in Las Vegas. At least 90% of the people on my fully-booked flight were heading to the same event. (By the sight of company-branded swags and talking to folks in the line-up, it’s not hard to figure out where the folks were heading.) An anti-harassment policy in writing has been in place for the event, with the highest form of punishment being permanent expulsion from the event.

The person on the window seat and I, who had the aisle seat, told each other what we do and where we work. Many folks on the flight did the same. The flight was almost four hours from the east coast. My neighbor made anti-mask, racial, and sexual remarks. I told him the remarks were not welcomed and ignored the remarks that followed. Then he used his knee to control my tray table and treated me like someone who didn’t understand English. He also gestured that he wanted to go to the restroom at least eight times (yes I counted). When he returned to his seat, he purposely bumped my body. He also asked for extra alcohol during the flight, but the flight attendant refused to give him the extra serving.

When the flight was ready for the passengers to disembark, I picked up my belongings quickly and left. I never saw this person during the event again.

Since the behavior did not occur at the conference, I can’t report it to the organizers. Although the travel is a part of work, I can’t report it to my workplace because the unruly neighbor does not work for my employer. This person wasn’t violent or visibly drunk so others could not see. Messaging this person’s employer’s HR would not yield any favorable results and might be inviting him to retaliate.

Yeah, there aren’t great options here. The best one probably would have been to talk to a flight attendant during the flight and see if you could be moved, although I realize it’s too late for that now.

It’s not entirely true that conferences with anti-harassment policies aren’t interested in behavior outside the conference — if you’d been harassed by a fellow conference attendee at the hotel bar after a day of workshops, for example, most conference organizers would want to know about that, or even if it had happened in a restaurant across town that you had both ended up in while you were in town for the event. But you’re right that the airplane was pretty far afield from that. That said, depending on how flagrant this guy’s remarks were, it’s possible that they’d still fall under the conference’s policy, particularly if he identified himself as a fellow attendee.

Beyond that, though, you’re right that there’s not much recourse; this is more like encountering an ass in the wild than encountering one in a work setting.

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{ 177 comments }

{ 177 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Dawn*

    I don’t personally think it would hurt anything to fire off an email to the conference organizers or even bring it up to your manager (who knows, maybe they know someone at that other company) but it doesn’t sound to me like you really want to take action here, and that’s a choice you’re allowed to make if that’s the case.

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    1. Red Lines with Wine*

      I agree with this. If the rude person was rude on the plane, it tracks that they might have been aggressive, dismissive, or down right harassing at the conference itself. A report of similar behavior might push the organizers to scrutinize any other reports they got and possibly make a ban decision instead of a “warn and wait” approach. You never know!

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        This is what I was thinking. If just the OP reports, then okay nothing will come of it, but it’s still info. And if there are other similar reports from the conference, then OP’s is a corroborating report.

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    2. CityMouse*

      Adding myself to the agreement.

      I have personally had it drummed into me that any part of business travel is work and I am representing my organization. My employer would be very upset if I misbehaved on a plane while on work travel, particular had I identified my workplace.

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    3. Nicosloanica*

      I’m not clear OP knew this person’s name? It sounds like the conversation was with the window person and OP in the aisle, perhaps not with the ass in the middle seat (?). If they don’t know the name but they do know the company due to branded gear, I’m not sure how hard it would be to find the name? You’d want to be sure, not just say “this guy from Acme Corp,” IMO.

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      1. Nicosloanica*

        Also, for the record, OP, if you go this route: I would not mention how many times they went to the bathroom, or the stuff with your tray table unless I’m misunderstanding that – you don’t want this to be added to the category of “seating disagreements on crappy airplane travel.” Focus on the racial and sexual remarks, and document the deliberate bumping. If the conference code of conduct includes masking requirements I’d mention it, otherwise I don’t think that’s as powerful, although I agree it’s more assholery.

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        1. Bunch Harmon*

          The purpose of mentioning how many times he went to the bathroom is to indicate how many times he physically bumped her. There’s no proof, but it seem to me that he went to the bathroom that frequently (8 times in a 4 hour flight) on purpose to have an excuse to make physical contact on the way back.

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          1. Nicosloanica*

            I like how the commenter below put it. “Simons bumped me physically 8 times during the flight in coming and going from his seat, I believe deliberately.”

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          2. ecnaseener*

            Even so, the more details you include that aren’t blatantly egregious, the more it dilutes the egregious parts. “He deliberately bumped into me several times” > “He went to the bathroom 8 times, yes I counted, and he bumped into me on the way back every time.”

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            1. duinath*

              Yeah, stick to plain facts about the terrible things he said, if you want to say something.

              Beyond that, though, I’d just mentally label him “avoid” and let other people who could end up in the same situation know what happened if and when it becomes relevant so they, too, can avoid.

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      2. Jellyfish Catcher*

        I interpreted it as the middle seat being vacant.
        I agree with finding the name of that person and contacting their company with the details and some direct quotes. Best to have asked him his name at the time, but I can understand why you didn’t at the time.
        “Bumping” your body deliberately (8 times) might fall into the category of physical assault.

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      3. HB*

        I re-read the letter and I think you’re right. She says the flight was fully booked which means there would have to be someone in the middle seat, and when talking about the person with the bad behavior she says “neighbor.” Plus controlling someone’s tray table with your knee would be tricky with a seat inbetween.

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          1. Cake or Death*

            A smaller plane like that is not likely to be making a 4 hour flight from the east coast to Vegas.

            Though if she was in business/first class, those are 2 seats instead of 3.

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            1. Marianne*

              There are large planes that have two aisles with two seats by the windows and 4-6 seats in the middle of the 2 aisles. This is common for flights to Vegas which is a destination with a lot of traffic.

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      4. Worldwalker*

        If the employer booked the travel, which they very well might have done, they’d know whose ticket said “Seat 27A” or whatever.

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    4. CES Refugee*

      If OP is talking about the recent CES in Vegas, between the media, industry and those who are industry-adjacent, there are thousands of attendees, and the Consumer Technology Association isn’t going to care about this one jerk. However, if I knew where this jerk worked I would send a very factual and unemotional email to their HR about how they represented the company on their travels.

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      1. 3-Foot Tall Inflatable Rainbow Unicorn*

        Seconded. An email to HR – or to their PR team, an email probably more easy to get! – calmly stating “I thought that your company ought to know that the person on flight (number), seat (number) wearing your brand associated your company with racist, sexist speech and behavior, including (example), (example) and (example). Thank you for your attention.”

        Leave out the asking for the bathroom and tray table and simply say that he made physical contact every time he left his seat.

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        3. Elizabeth West*

          I would add “apparently deliberate” to physical contact.

          If Ass-In-The-Wild booked his flights through the company’s travel department, they will know EXACTLY who it is.

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          1. TechWorker*

            I mean… maybe? My company uses a third party to manage flight bookings & whilst the info would be in the system *somewhere* I doubt you could search it very easily. (Eg so if you knew 3 people on team x went, you could probably find it, if the list of conference attendees is distributed across teams it might be a lot less practical).

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        4. MissLibby*

          As the person that answers these types of random emails for a large company, there is literally nothing we could do with this information unless you had the person’s name.

          Unfortunately, wearing company branded clothing does not make them an employee – could be a family member, former employee, or just someone that got some branded swag (my company has some very iconic brands and sells branded items to the public.)

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          1. MissLibby*

            Even with the name, it becomes OP’s word against theirs. Other than a conversation about expectations during company travel, nothing would come of it.

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            1. Dawn*

              Actually it sounds like your company just sucks.

              Plenty of companies would take this seriously, and not just dismiss her complaint.

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              1. Barefoot Librarian*

                Agreed. My company would want to have a word with me if they got a complaint like that. Those of us who represent the company at events are expected to be mindful of how we behave as we are an extension of our brand during that time.

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            2. 3-Foot Tall Inflatable Rainbow Unicorn*

              A conversation isn’t nothing – it’s a warning not to be drunk and disorderly on company time and the company is aware of the issue.

              If this was the first occasion, probably nothing would come of it. But it establishes a record. If this becomes, or already is, a pattern of behavior, then the company is going to have to make something of it.

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          2. Gumby*

            It’s not just company-branded clothes. OP said they both shared details of what they did (presumably job titles) and where they work. Depending on the size of the company involved and the number of people in that role, that plus a general physical description *could* be enough to identify the boorish passenger. Maybe?

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      2. Venus*

        Even with a huge conference I think it’s still worthwhile to send a quick note. I have often found that someone who is awful to me will also be awful to others. I report them with a polite, short comment along the lines of “I don’t expect any action on this situation, yet if there are any reports of problems with this person and you are looking for corroboration then please reach out to me.”

        I did once get a reply from that person’s manager – it was a coworker at the same company – who thanked me and made it clear that they had enough reports that they didn’t need additional corroboration though they did have a quick chat with me about the situation.

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        1. Typity*

          This is a good idea — even though CES is huge and the atmosphere is amped up and insane, the CTA does have an interest in fighting the “tech bro” stereotype that is so hostile to women. There’s a slight chance it could serve as a heads-up in case the guy made trouble at the event.

          A note to his employer, as suggested, might also be useful. People from many industries, not just tech, end up at CES, and he might have been from an organization that takes these things seriously.

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        3. Orora*

          This is what I was thinking. Whether CES can or should do something or not, making them aware of the situation and asking them to think about how the organization can address similar situations in the future isn’t out of line. It’s also corroboration if he engaged in similar behavior at the show.

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      3. LetterWriter*

        LW here. Good guess. It was Google Cloud 2024, one of those tech conferences in Las Vegas that attract thousands and thousands of attendees.

        We didn’t have badges before the event so I didn’t get the exact spelling of the company or the person’s name. Usually I treated the initial intro at a networking event as “another rando” and didn’t pay too much attention to the names (unless they were famous).

        Even I report to the organizers and the jerk gets banned, some jerk could register for the next event using their 2nd or 3rd name or another affiliation. Even if I find the HR’s contact info, the chances of the HR reading and taking actions on the message may not be high: Any rando could send such a message. In addition, a guy from a larger tech company may be impossible to pinpoint: there are many Michaels, Daniels, Ryans, Matthews, Marks, Daves etc going around.

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        1. Ms. Murchison*

          It’s still worth a shot reporting to HR, because his behavior was so egregious and there’s a nonzero chance that his employer will care how he’s representing them in settings that are part and parcel of his attendance. (They probably paid for his flight, the flight is full of conference attendees, he announced who he’s representing at the conference.)

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        2. She of Many Hats*

          Report them to their HR with all the identifying info you can because, as others have mentioned, someone who is going to be that poorly behaved while travelling is usually equally poorly behaved in all facets of their life. There’s a good chance that HR has more than one complaint about the boor and yours may be the last straw.

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        3. Funko Pops Day*

          Not sure if they have a conference ombuds, but may orgs do and that can be another resource for reporting and helpful if there’s a pattern of bad behavior.

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    5. Cait*

      I work for an educational institution and we fly in candidates from around the globe. I’m tasked with booking these flights and purposely make sure that the candidates and selection committee members are never on the same flight, just in case seats get moved and they are in a position to speak to each other during the flight (which would give an unfair advantage to the candidate as this would mean they’d get extra time with a committee member).

      However, air travel being like it is, I almost always have a couple candidates on the same flight or in the same car on the way to the hotel from the airport. If Candidate A came to me and said “On the flight here, Candidate B was saying racist and sexist things as well as purposely bumping into me and drinking to excess”, we would take it very seriously and it would absolutely impact their interview (if not end it altogether).

      You do not have to take action if you don’t want. But if I were someone organizing that conference (or even this person’s employer), I would very much want to know these details.

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    6. L*

      I’m a conference organizer and, with the caveat that he attendees at the conferences I work on are mostly members of the organization I work for so the circumstances are different, I would absolutely want to know if something like this happened on the way to one of our events. I’m not in charge of the harassment policy, so I don’t know exactly how it would be handled, but in my org at least, this would be taken very seriously.

      I can also imagine many employers would want to know if one of their employees behaved this way while using their company name, on a flight that the employer presumably paid for.

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    7. Margaret Scratcher*

      Yes, speaking as a conference organizer, I’d want to know about it. I wouldn’t necessarily be able to act on it, but I’d at least be on the lookout for bad behavior from that person at the event. I’ve had to make the case to ban someone, and the more incidents you can report, the stronger the case is.

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  3. HannahS*

    I don’t know that I agree that the airplane is too far afield. I don’t think it would be out of line to send an email to the organizers to explain. It’s unlikely that they’d take action, but in future years if anyone else complains, it’s won’t be the first time the organizers are hearing about this person. I’ve even at times reported people saying exactly that: “I don’t have any desired course of action, except of course not being paired with this person for [activity.] I wanted you to be aware of this person’s behaviour so that if it happens again you will know that it’s a pattern. Thanks/sincerely, etc.”)

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    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think this is the best approach. It’s like any other workplace issue: document, document, document, if not for yourself then at least for someone else in the future.

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    2. Choose the Bear*

      I agree. I’ve seen too many times where everyone knew someone was a problem, but no one ever acted on it because individually the incidents didn’t amount to much, but taken together, they did. How many times have we seen someone reported and the response from HR/management/legal has been “since this is the first time it was reported, well treat it as the first time it’s happened” even when it’s been happening regularly?

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    3. Ama*

      Yeah, I used to run conferences for a previous employer and we definitely would have wanted to know. In our case, our conferences were small and invite only so we could have taken him off the invite list for later years. It sounds like OP’s conference was bigger but if they have an anti-harrassment policy they may have some procedure to handle this or at least a list. (We never had to deal with someone this awful but we did have a short list of people who could not be on the same panel together because a professional disagreement meant they’d just spend the whole panel sniping at each other.)

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    4. Ann O'Nemity*

      Yes, this.

      As a conference organizer, I would politely take this complaint and file it. I wouldn’t act on it alone, but it could be used in addition to other complaints to show a pattern of behavior.

      When I think back to who we’ve banned, it’s often due to a pattern of repeatedly making people uncomfortable instead of one big fiasco. That’s why it’s so important to report the little stuff too.

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    6. nekosan*

      Yes, I also agree that it isn’t too far afield. He wouldn’t have been on that airplane if he hadn’t been going to the conference.

      Reply ↓
  4. Ok-Sure-Fine*

    And they ask why we choose the bear.

    LW, I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope you do report it to the event organizers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I mean, I’d rather be stuck between two of this dude than next to one bear. A bear on an airplane sounds like entirely too close quarters.

      Reply ↓
  5. Nicosloanica*

    I agree that unfortunately this is likely to be viewed as if you just happened to encounter a random ass on a flight. You could a) ask the flight crew for help in the moment, or 2) pursue legal charges if the incident rose to that level and it was worth it for you to do so. I don’t think trying to loop his / your employer or the conference organizers makes much sense here given that the behavior wasn’t at the conference itself nor did you interact in an organizational capacity. If you had run into him again at the conference and he had acted boorishly there, I would have a different answer (although even then, I’ve been very dissatisfied with the response of conference organizers, regardless of the “code of conduct” they trot out at the beginning – YMMV).

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    1. L-squared*

      I very much agree.

      I’ve dealt with jerks on planes. Some of them have had a bag or a shirt with their company logo. I’ve never felt the need to contact their employer about it.

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      1. T.N.H*

        But that’s completely different from this scenario where they were going to the same conference with clear anti-harassment policies. It’s not the same as randomly contacting a company.

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      2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        Let’s acknowledge that this was beyond being a “jerk.” A jerk bumps your tray, accidentally knocks into you, hogs the armrest. This guy was specifically targeting the LW for daring to disagree with him, including with behavior that was clear and intentional sexual harassment. People have been fired for being blatantly racist, so it is a reportable offense. I have a real distaste for people insisting that some people play by rules that others refuse to play by. Broken stair.

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        1. AnReAr*

          Seriously, it’s like everyone’s just acting like he only was rude to the LW. Racial slurs are viewed by society at large as something that Is Not Done. Using even one is not rudeness, it is so far beyond that it’s actually criminal in some countries. In a perfect world so would blatant sexism be but I know we lived in a flawed one. But even in this world blatant sexism on top of racial slurs is something that any competent PR department would be interested in.

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      3. A*

        If they’re going to a conference for work it’s quite likely their work has actually paid for their trip and their plane ticket and might actually care that he’s behaving like a jerk and reflecting poorly on the company. They likely sent him for both what he could learn at the conference and networking and might care that his networking is to be racist, sexist and physically aggressive to others in an enclosed space

        I mean, there’s good odds they won’t care, but they might. Sometimes people like this are already on a short leash

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      4. Baunilha*

        I disagree.
        The jerk in question wasn’t a random jerk who happened to be wearing branded swag that could be from a past employer — it was someone likely representing his employer at a work-related event.
        I would contact both the event organizers and this guy’s employer, even if I didn’t know his name. But it’s a hassle and I understand OP not wanting to go that route.

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    2. AnotherLibrarian*

      I tend to agree. This guy sounds awful, but as someone whose organized conferences and had to deal with people during them, there’s just very little the organizers can do except say, “Well, someone said Fergus was awful on a plane.” At the conference, there’s sometimes some options, but travel is in that weird grey zone.

      Reply ↓
  6. r*

    The one exception to this advice would, I think, be if the jerk was a featured speaker or something at the conference – then it might be worth sending a quick note to the organizers. If he wasn’t, then I think all you can do is file the information away for later in case you or anyone in your network ever runs into him again.

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  7. Zona the Great*

    IME, conferences (which includes the trip in) make marginally bad people just peel their onion and show us their rotting core.

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    1. HonorBox*

      Yep. And add alcohol to the equation and that peel gets pulled back more quickly.

      I have so many stories about the things I’ve seen at conferences across two decades.

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      1. Zona the Great*

        I had a guy ask me how much I would charge him to let him have sex with me. Just leaned over at the awards dinner and propositioned me–a professional presenting on legislative involvement in municipal infrastructure planning.

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            2. Slow Gin Lizz*

              Haha, that is great, but I really want to know more specifics of what you said. Only if you’re willing to share, of course.

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              1. Zone the Great*

                I very loudly told him that whatever amount he’d be willing to pay, I’d pay double to ensure I never had to see him naked. I told him the very fact that he thought he could even share breathing space with me was insulting to me and I then very loudly asked if he was really propositioning me (a 30 year old at the time) with false teeth in his mouth. Please note this was simply a piece of ammo I used against him and I don’t mean to insult anyone without their natural teeth.

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                1. Ally McBeal*

                  You are my hero. I’m so jealous of people who can come up with something so comprehensively perfect in the moment – my comebacks always occur at least 2 hours later, after the offender has left my orbit.

    2. Ann O'Nemity*

      Plus, Vegas.

      Las Vegas has wonderful conference facilities and tons of nonstop flights, but geez some people lose all professionalism when they go there.

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      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yeah, I would never want to work a conference in Vegas. Even if you tried to have an alcohol-free event there – just too much opportunity for things to go sideways because of all the external distractions.

        Reply ↓
    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m lucky to have never experienced or witnessed anything worse than rudeness when working conferences myself, but I know that many other event staff have had worse experiences than me. I should add that a lot of the events I’ve worked have had mostly female attendees and minimal drinking during the actual event. (The nurses at the medical conference I used to plan would have a few drinks after hours, but I never heard of anyone doing anything inappropriate.)

      Other than simple jerkishness, one factor which causes attendees to be rude at conferences is that they’re in an unfamiliar, contained environment for a few days and so they get stressed about things that wouldn’t usually bother them or be a big deal. A lot of people just lose all perspective when they’re at an event. I’m sure that some of the people who have been rude to me at events would be perfectly fine in another context. (The ones who wouldn’t be perfectly fine are jerks every day of their lives.)

      Also, there is almost always some level of theft at big conferences. Hold onto your valuables!

      Reply ↓
  8. Possum's mom*

    Churches have crying rooms, daycares have time-out corners…is it time to create holding cells in the back of commercial aircraft to isolate unruly passengers til the flight lands to ensure well- behaved people can feel safe in the air? I imagine the cost would be a fraction of the amount spent when a flight has to make an unscheduled landing to kick off some jerk who can’t act responsibly .

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    1. Llellayena*

      But that rewards the ass with a private space that is probably larger than their original seat and gets them to their destination. I don’t see this as a deterrent.

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        1. Possum's mom*

          Seriously, the airlines usually arrest the unruly person after the plane has been rerouted or had to resort to an unscheduled landing, at a great cost in time, money and inconvenience. I was proposing an isolation place on the plane to isolate Mr. Ithinkimsooofunny for the comfort of the other people on board and to avoid emergency rerouting.I didn’t express very well that this segregation from the rest of the folks should be at least as uncomfortable for the guy as he made his seatmate.

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        3. LetterWriter*

          LW here.

          This is not “/s”. Using restraints actually happened in a high profile case over 10 years ago. The flight was diverted way before reaching the final destination. Search “blackberry RIM executives drunk fired” online for more info.

          Both of the accused were fired from the company and was deported by Canada.

          Unfortunately, the jerk didn’t work for a well-known company that I could bypass HR and talk to a news reporter.

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        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Nah, just stick him in one of the lavs. Worth it to everyone else to be down another lav, especially his seatmate who now gets extra quiet and legroom.

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    2. Generic Name*

      I enjoyed reading the news article or two about the flight crew duct taping an unruly/violent/disruptive/whatever passenger to their seat for the duration of the flight.

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  9. Sandstorm*

    My neighbor made anti-mask, racial, and sexual remarks. <- Absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

    Then he used his knee to control my tray table and treated me like someone who didn’t understand English. <- Big yikes. Also entirely unacceptable.

    He also gestured that he wanted to go to the restroom at least eight times (yes I counted). <- He is allowed to go to the bathroom, though.

    When he returned to his seat, he purposely bumped my body. <- I'll take you at your word that this wasn't an accident? Though my clumsy self accidentally hits people on planes all the time. (I'm not, y'know, a racist jerk though, at least not to my knowledge. And I get it that context matters, and the LW was there and I wasn't.)

    He also asked for extra alcohol during the flight, but the flight attendant refused to give him the extra serving. <- Again, I think context is everything — there is nothing, prima facie, wrong with asking for a second serving of alcohol on a flight, assuming one is polite and is cool with a no.

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    1. Zona the Great*

      I think the LW made it pretty clear that these weren’t innocent trips to the bathroom. And jerks shouldn’t be served alcohol on planes. The prima facie thing doesn’t work when we have clear context clues. No reason to play devil’s advocate with scumbags.

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      1. Sandstorm*

        I am — for better or for worse — the sort of person who often gets tapped to be on code of conduct committees for academic conferences. We would come down like an anvil on someone who made racial and sexual remarks to a fellow conference attendee, even if not on conference premises. If someone reported someone else for going to the bathroom too much, there’s absolutely nothing we’re going to do about that.

        This is independent of the fact that I am very sympathetic to the LW, who it sounds like had an awful experience from someone in their field.

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    2. ThatGirl*

      He is allowed to go to the bathroom, but eight times in a 4-hour flight is excessive, and I think we can take the LW at her word that he was doing it to be rude. Ditto with bumping into her.

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      1. Venus*

        I have a coworker who has a medical problem and requires regular trips, so I would absolutely keep the number out and focus on the behavior each time.

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      2. Ann O'Nemity*

        Eh, I don’t think it’s worth trying to pass judgement on what constitutes excessive regarding restroom usage. It could be health issues – bladder, circulatory, clots, etc.

        But the LW can note that it seemed that the guy was using his many trips to the restroom as a way to bump into and touch the LW. Because that part isn’t health related – it’s just bad behavior.

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        1. Elizabeth West*

          It could be health issues – bladder, circulatory, clots, etc.

          Or too much to drink before he got on the plane. Clearly the flight attendant clocked him as such since they refused to serve him again.

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          1. Viki*

            Or as someone else stated, it was now a paying service. Or he asked too close to landing.

            There are a lot of possibilities here, and quite honestly, if I got a complaint about my employee from an outside source, who I don’t know, and it included multiple trips to the bathroom, and asking and getting refused for a second drink, it loses the validity of this complaint.

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          2. LetterWriter*

            > too much to drink before he got on the plane.

            LW here. That’s my guess, too. There were many places to drink near the gates past the security checkpoints. The flight attendant saying “We can only give you one drink this time” was validating how the attendants saw this jerk’s behaviour.

            One other comment suggested drug use, which I would not be surprised.

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      3. Roland*

        I don’t think we can take the OP at her word about someone else’s bathroom needs, actually. I’m not saying she’s lying, but she simply doesn’t know. Someone can be a huge jerk and also need to go to the bathroom a lot. Maybe their specific jerk-ness even means they enjoy that it’s inconveniencing others, idk! But unless OP followed him into the toilet she doesn’t actually know if he needed it or not.

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    3. Nicosloanica*

      I think the racial/sexual remarks are the most important issue to address, and I agree the “accidental” bumping is harder to document but worth noting. I’m going to get torn apart in the comments but anti mask rhetoric is probably not impinging on any law.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        Of the three things listed, that’s definitely the most … innocuous. But when the commentary runs from racist to sexualized to anti-mask, I’m guessing there was more to the story than someone just indicating that they no longer mask and didn’t love doing so when it was required.

        Reply ↓
      2. Irish Teacher.*

        It’s not against any law, but it’s still bizarre, rude and inappropriate. I’m guessing the LW was wearing a mask and he started insulting her about it. Or started insulting other people in the plane who were wearing masks. It’s not as bad as racism or sexism, but…that’s a pretty low bar.

        And when you think about it, it’s really weird. Even taking the whole health thing out of the equation, it’s just…weird to be that offended by what other people wear when it doesn’t hurt you in any way (I can see being bothered that somebody doesn’t wear a mask because they could pass something on to you, but being bothered that they do? That’s just really weird). If he started off on anti-hat rhetoric or something, I think the LW would also be justified in finding it problematic and finding somebody who started ranting against hats a bit creepy. The fact that anti-mask rhetoric is tied up with lack of concern for others and certain extremist ideologies makes it worse than anti-hate rhetoric, of course, but even without that context, it would still be inappropriate and problematic. If I were sitting beside somebody who started going on about, “look at that person wearing a hat. I hate people who wear hats, don’t you? And do they really think their head is going to get cold in a plane?” I’d be edging away from that person and feel very uncomfortable sitting beside them. When the thing they are objecting to is something the person is wearing to protect the rest of us, it gets more creepy and more of a reason to back away from the ranter.

        Something doesn’t have to be illegal to be a problem.

        Reply ↓
    4. Silver Robin*

      I appreciate the break down because it really does show that otherwise innocuous, accidental, or garden-variety annoying things get a worse interpretation when the context is “this person is a top level jerk”. Jerks lose the benefit of the doubt and in such close quarters it is so easy to get to BEC with people.

      Reply ↓
    5. Lisa*

      “there is nothing, prima facie, wrong with asking for a second serving of alcohol on a flight, assuming one is polite and is cool with a no.”

      No, but I’ve never seen a passenger denied a second drink unless the flight attendant thought they were drunk or trouble. Combined with the excessive bathroom use makes me think this guy had been partaking in the airport and the flight attendant could tell he’d had enough.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sandstorm*

        Oh, I usually see people denied a second drink because only one drink’s free! It legitimately didn’t occur to me that the point LW was making was that the flight attendant cut them off. Which sort of goes to the point I was circling around — if LW does decide to make some sort of report, sticking as clearly as possible to things that *do* break something like a conference code of conduct (or whatever equivalent makes sense in this context) (e.g., racist and sexist remarks) might be to their advantage.

        Reply ↓
    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      I think the issue with “gesturing to go the bathroom 8 times” relates back to the “treated me like someone who didn’t understand English” issue. If he said “excuse me may I get through” or “sorry to make you get up so many times, appreciate it!”, or any variation of politely asking, I don’t think doing it 8 times would have been a problem. It’s that he had to interact with her 8 times for this request and he was rude in every single one of them.

      Like waving with a smile at a server to get their attention vs snapping your fingers at them. It’s not the request that’s rude, it’s how you do it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Julia*

        If your average plane passenger went to the bathroom 8 times in a 4-hour flight and bumped me every time they went back to their seat, it would be strange, but I wouldn’t assume it was deliberate. If someone who sexually harassed me during my flight went to the bathroom 8 times in a 4-hours and bumped me every time they went back to their seat, I would not be giving them the benefit of the doubt. Some of the creepiest behavior can look normal from a distance. The context here really matters.

        Reply ↓
        1. BarkeepersFriendFan*

          When you accidentally bump someone, don’t you usually take great care not to do it again, and sincerely apologize to boot? He was bumping her on purpose. I would have thought about tripping him “accidentally on purpose.”

          Reply ↓
  10. HonorBox*

    I’m sorry you had this experience, OP.

    I’m reminded of something my first boss told me. Basically she said that the actions of employees during their own personal time can reflect on the business. While that’s not always fair, it is the truth. This wasn’t a threat or anything at all. Just an observation that for some jobs, people are associated more with their workplace than others, and if they get arrested for shoplifting, it can look bad for the business.

    This isn’t personal time. This guy was traveling for work. While I don’t think you should say something to his employer, if I was part of the group running the conference (especially because they have the policy they do) I’d want to know. There’s probably nothing actionable right now, but it does give some information to those in charge so that if he continues being an ass in the future, and brings that closer to on-site, there’s a clearer picture that his behavior isn’t just a one-off.

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      Knowing that this particular research doesn’t speak to this kind of situation, I think it does show something. There are studies that have shown that for every complaint a business gets, 26 other customers have had the same bad experience and didn’t say something. That’s just under 4%. So this guy may have been a jerk to dozens of other people who chose to not say something. A quick email to the conference leadership might open their eyes when they hear more in the future.

      Reply ↓
    2. Zona the Great*

      I used to manage shuttle drivers who drove people from the airport to the ski resort. My drivers were held to very high standards for how they acted in public because the town was tiny and the resort was tinier. I would not want to be driven the next day by a person I saw getting swillied at the bar the night before. If they acted a fool and I found out about it, they were gone. No unfairness in that at all.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yup. If someone acts like a boor or is stealing, that doesn’t bode well for how they will act on the job. What’s to stop them from stealing from the company, for instance?

        You have to be careful, of course, not to be policing every aspect of someone’s private life. But that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

        Reply ↓
        1. HonorBox*

          Agreed. If someone is doing something illegal, dangerous, or acting like an ass in public, that’s one thing. If I saw someone walk out of the adult section of the DVD store (I’m dating myself, I know), I’m not giving it a second thought.

          Reply ↓
          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            I was going to say something about posting on a swingers site vs. propositioning every couple they came into contact with in a coffee shop* and not stopping when asked to stop. So, yeah, exactly what you said.

            * Which reminds me of that Frasier episode where Niles and Daphne were making fun of Roz wrt a misunderstanding about group sex and then N&D got propositioned, lol. That one was funny.

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  11. Name (Required)*

    I used to be conference staff, and was in a highly visible role in a very, very small industry. It was also incredibly male-dominated, so any young-ish woman was an automatic Industry 10, which meant every event was a lot of fending off disgusting behaviors of overly entitled big, horny fish in a tiny pond far from their wives’ prying eyes. (One dude I’d thought was a friend cornered me in a crowded room during the last conference I did and spent a good half hour trying to get me back to his room. I told him I’m married, to which he responded, “Oh, we’re all married, just not when we’re here.”)

    My company never protected me in fear of alienating sponsors, attendees and the rich old pigs who wined and dined my higher-ups. So I made it my mission to protect any fellow woman I could in any way possible. If any attendee had let me know that a man in our sphere was rude, abusive, creepy or otherwise gross af even offsite, I would’ve fought like hell to make sure someone held them accountable, or make damn sure they were never alone together.

    Please reach out to event staff! Even if the decision-makers brush it off as beyond their control, someone on the team could be the ally in your corner. Or this could be a repeat offender whose number is finally up.

    I’m so sorry this happened to you.

    Reply ↓
  12. Not Australian*

    As a former convention organiser, I would want to know about this – if only as a data point for the future. If people’s misconduct is not reported, they’re not going to be under increased scrutiny next time – and that’s the way so many of these men have got away with it for so long in the past. Please make it known to the convention/conference organiser and ask them to keep the information on file for future events. It may not be of direct help to you in the immediate present, but it could add to a picture of repeat offending which would eventually see this person banned from the event. This may not seem like much, but if it’s all the redress that’s available to you then you should absolutely avail yourself of it.

    Reply ↓
  13. It's Me. Hi.*

    Conference director here. If it happened on a plane, there wouldn’t be anything we could do. I’m so sorry this happened.

    Reply ↓
    2. Hlao-roo*

      Would an email about someone’s poor behavior on the plane ride to a conference make any difference in how you handled future complaints about that same person’s poor behavior at the conference? For example, would you handle these two scenarios differently:

      Scenario 1: A conference attendee in 2025 complains that Joe Schmo from ACME Corp. made racist and sexist remarks during a conference lunch. There is no history of complaints against Joe Schmo, who has been attending the conference for a few years.

      Scenario 2: A conference attendee in 2025 complains that Joe Schmo from ACME Corp. made racist and sexist remarks during a conference lunch. You find an email from a different conference attendee to you/your staff that Joe Schmo from ACME Corp. made racist and sexist remarks on the plane ride to the 2024 conference.

      I’m asking out of curiosity, not as a gotcha. I don’t know how the back end of conferences work.

      Reply ↓
    3. ScruffyInternHerder*

      So…

      You’re telling me that if you have fifteen reports from a previous year conference that so and so from a certain company behaved in a harassing manner during travel to your conference…you couldn’t decide to not inflict his behaviors and harassment on future guests?

      Does this equation change if its say, a keynote speaker at one of your events?

      Reply ↓
    4. spcepickle*

      Please see SageWhiz response below. And a women who runs an engineer offices and attends all kind of engineering conferences – I am giving massive side eye to attitudes to like this. Also hoping you see where you come in when women don’t want to go to your conferences.

      Reply ↓
  14. sagewhiz*

    As someone who was involved in an international organization’s conferences and planning for two decades, I can say we most definitely would want to have received as much information as the OP could provide. It would be helpful in monitoring the attendee’s future behavior. And certainly ensure we would never allow him to be a presenter.

    Reply ↓
    1. a trans person*

      Love the contrast between this post and the preceding one. Really helps highlight (along with my own conference and convention experience) that “on a plane, nothing we can do” is not an acceptable stance from conference organizers, no matter how common it might be.

      Reply ↓
  15. Momma Bear*

    If he was identifiable as an attendee and employee of a particular company, he was IMO representing the conference/company. Even if OP didn’t get his name, she could describe him to that company’s HR or event staff so they have a head’s up that one of their attendees did not represent them well. Keep it simple and directed at the racist, sexist comments/behavior and not the number of trips to the restroom.

    Reply ↓
    2. Not on board*

      Yeah, I was thinking this too. If this guy behaved like this on a plane full of conference attendees, there is a high probability he’s tried to pull some of this with people at his workplace. Nobody acts this way in only this one situation – this behaviour probably bleeds into all aspects of his life.

      Reply ↓
    3. A Simple Narwhal*

      Agreed. LW knows where he works, contacting that company to let them know that their employee on Flight ABC en route to the XYZ Conference represented them in such a heinous manner is absolutely warranted. Maybe there are multiple people from that company attending that conference or even on that plane, but the seat number and a quick physical description should narrow it down easily.

      Not sure if I would even bother contacting the conference, but I would absolutely contact the employer. You can’t act like a complete reprobate if you’re also going to readily share where you work.

      Reply ↓
    4. anonymous anteater*

      This is what I was thinking too. Academic and nonprofit employers will have publicly available codes of conduct, and Title IX offices will be concerned about how their employee behaved on a work sponsored trip.
      Tech companies may not have public facing behavioral expectations in the same way, but that is where I would direct a complaint.

      Reply ↓
  16. pally*

    I would let the conference organizers know about your flight experience. It might trigger them to re-word their anti-harassment policy. Could be that they just didn’t think about including the conduct of the conference-goers over the course of their journey to and from the conference. It should though.

    Reply ↓
  17. Miss Demeanor*

    OP, I’m am really sorry to hear you had to experience this Jerk on a four-hour flight. (As if the small seats, cramped leg room, and tiny leg room aren’t enough to make cross-country flights miserable enough.)

    I agree with those here who say to report this to the conference organizers. Your report may not amount to a hill of beans for this year’s conference, but someday — maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow — but soon someone will make note of this Jerk and he will have his comeuppance. And you will have put it in motion.

    Reply ↓
  18. Targaryen*

    Validation: this guy acted like a dick and a half, damn.

    Solution: I don’t think there’s anything you can say/do that isn’t overstepping your boundaries.

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      I don’t believe it would be overstepping to send an email to conference organizers. Especially if OP opens with, “I don’t need anything done or investigated, and I’m fully aware this wasn’t on site… but I wanted to let you know about this behavior in case there are any future (or past) reports about this guy.”

      Reporting isn’t demanding action.

      Reply ↓
    2. Zona the Great*

      I don’t think there are any boundaries being overstepped if she simply alerted the conference organizers that there is a potential issue with this guy based on what she experienced. This isn’t cutting someone off in traffic and flipping the bird; this guy has shown some scary behaviors.

      Reply ↓
    3. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      Have you had to deal with anyone who doesn’t respect boundaries/social conventions/etc? Treating them by the same set of protocols that you would apply to someone who adheres to social protocols only allows them to get away with bad behavior. That’s what the broken stair idea is about.

      Reply ↓
      1. Targaryen*

        Someone who attended a conference I also attended, who I do not manage, and who works at a separate company? No, because I’m not the person who should be “dealing” with them. What an odd question!

        Reply ↓
        1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

          I think the Llama meant “interacted with” here, and I think we all have had to deal with someone “who doesn’t respect boundaries/social conventions/etc”.

          Reply ↓
        2. Lexi Vipond*

          So if someone harasses you, it can’t be dealt with in any way unless their boss observes it, and you’re unable to report it to anyone? What an odd way of going through life!

          Reply ↓
      2. DJ Abbott*

        Also even more, the tolerance paradox.
        Tolerating the intolerant makes intolerance grow, as the intolerant get away with their behavior and encourage others to do the same. So the only thing that should not be tolerated in society is intolerance.
        Google for more.

        Reply ↓
  19. Czech Mate*

    Since you know where this person works and what their role is, could you contact his company directly to let them know that he was out publicly identifying his employer and behaving badly? It’s unclear if anything would come of that (that you would know of), but it might give you a bit of schadenfreude and might also mean that he loses his conference privileges.

    Reply ↓
  20. Lemons*

    8 bathroom trips in 4 hours makes me immediately think drugs, which might explain why he was so chatty and so comfortable going off the rails. Regardless, it’s always baffling with people are so incredible unprofessional in a professional setting (which arguably the plane was, considering how many people there were clearly going to the conference).

    Reply ↓
  21. K in Boston*

    I used to travel pretty regularly for work. We actually had to have a company-wide “don’t be an a-hole at airports” presentation because we were starting to get a reputation for being loudly whiny about run-of-the-mill airport inconveniences. So, particularly if it’s a company that might have a lot of people who traveling for them across the country, they indeed might care about the reputation their fliers are giving them.

    Reply ↓
  22. lurkyloo*

    I would send a factual email to the organizer with a cc to his HR and your own manager. This is what he said, these are the things he did, including impinging on your space and bumping into your body on his return to his seat, multiple times. He is representing his company, and your manager needs to be made aware that this is happening. (You may want to drop them a line ahead of time or have a conversation. YMMV with that; it depends how supportive your manager is. You may wish to send it without warning them.)
    Best of luck, and keep fighting the good fight! I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

    Reply ↓
    1. lurkyloo*

      Oh, and for the record, I read it as ‘they introduced themselves at the beginning of the flight’. I could be wrong…

      Reply ↓
  23. NotARealManager*

    LW,

    I just want to validate that he was harassing you. It was noticeable enough that the flight attendants wouldn’t give him more alcohol. I’m sorry that happened to you.

    Reply ↓
  24. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

    Ahhhh CES. I strongly suspect due to the nature of this particular conference, there is little to nothing the organizers would do if contacted. It might do some good at a different conference, particularly if the asshat was reported by others for creating problems, but I just can’t see CES caring, despite the improvements over the years.

    Reply ↓
    1. LetterWriter*

      LW here. It was Google Cloud 2024. I would not go to other “masculine energy” conferences such as CES and Blackhat.

      Reply ↓
      1. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

        Thanks for clarifying! I always forget about the lead time of letters and have been immersed in CES coverage. I hope you have a better experience at the next one you attend and never face pressure to attend the others!

        Reply ↓
  25. LaminarFlow*

    I’ve been to a gazillion tech conferences. I’ve definitely seen some “I’m away from my spouse & kids!” behavior, but nothing egregious like racist or sexual statements.

    At any rate, since you know this guy’s name & company, you could contact his HR with this guy’s behavior. He gets to have an opinion on masking, despite it being a dumb thing to go off about. But, the sexual & racist statements? Those aren’t ok, and if he’s representing his company in public by wearing company SWAG, that wont be tolerated.

    Reply ↓
  26. Shellfish Constable*

    FWIW, if somebody behaved this way enroute to my annual professional conferences and another attendee informed the organizers — even just by sending a low-stakes “head’s up”-type email — that person would be in it with both the professional org and their own institution so quickly their head would spin. While I know every org and every institution is different, you never know, you know?

    Which is to say: your mileage may vary. There are conference organizers on here saying there’s nothing they could do if somebody told them about this, and there are conference organizers on here saying they would want to know ASAP to file this info away in case something happens in the future (or already did and they need to connect some dots). I would think that — so long as the reporting process is fairly frictionless — it can’t hurt to send that “head’s up” email. Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  27. Drought*

    If you want to report it to his workplace and the conference you may as well. You don’t have to but I don’t understand what negative consequences you think you would suffer.

    If you do report it, report only the sexual and racial comments. That you told him those comments are unwelcome and he continued anyway.

    I would leave everything else out. Anti mask comments aren’t harrasment in a legal sense and brings politics into play unnecessarily. The bathroom and bumping and to an extent even the tray can be downplayed as normal plane discomfort which then calls into question your judgement on the sexual and racial statements.

    So steak to the meat of the problem, the harrasment and report away of you want to.

    Reply ↓
    1. Stuart Foote*

      I agree (and surprised I had to scroll down this far to see this comment). Trying to police conversations about masks in 2025 is going to put any compliant on shaky ground.

      I don’t want to play devil’s advocate too much, but airplanes are pretty cramped and I’m sure I’ve accidentally nudged tray tables, bumped into people, gone to the bathroom an inconvenient number of times, and stuff like that on flights before (although probably not all on the same flight). The racial and sexual remarks are the only things that are unambiguously bad, so I would focus on those.

      Reply ↓
    3. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Hard agree. Focus solely on the sexism and racism because they are serious misconduct and can’t be waved away.
      Worth reporting to the employer rather than the conference organiser, imo.

      Any mention of bathroom frequency is NOK and people bump frequently on planes.
      I don’t know about the US, but I haven’t even seen a mask (I’m in DE) for well over 2 years, so I suggest the OP leave that issue out too.

      Reply ↓
  28. Cacofonix*

    You know his name and company. I would report it to them, as he was presumably representing his company during a business trip. What a tool.

    Reply ↓
  29. WellRed*

    A lot of comments are suggesting contacting show organizers but while that’s certainly an option it’s unlikely to have a result. Especially if it’s something like the Consumer Electronics Show, which draws over 100k attendees. Theres just too many people and too many other details for organizers to deal with.

    Reply ↓
    1. a trans person*

      It wasn’t CES (from comments), but if CES can’t track reports of harassment and keep attendees safe, then CES shouldn’t exist. Just like any other public event.

      Reply ↓
  30. Work Bestie*

    I’m not really sure what the OP wants to happen. The guys and a**hat; is she just looking for confirmation that she is right to be upset, want him banned from the conference, want him fired, or just need someone to tell him he was rude. I think I’m probably jaded by my experiences working with the general public everyday, but I why put yourself through giving this guy another thought. Sometimes travel and flying just make people miserable and stress, so everything interaction is always amplified. To be clear I’m not defending his actions, but I don’t really feel she was harassed or the interaction hurt her professionally.

    Reply ↓
    2. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      How do you get to decide that someone else was not harassed, when you didn’t see the events yourself? She told him the sexual remarks were unwelcome, but he kept making them. That’s kind of textbook.

      Reply ↓
  31. toolegittoresign*

    I’d go on LinkedIn to see if we had any mutual connections. If so, and they’re someone you’ve met, I would give them a heads up about this guy’s behavior while en route to a work conference. It won’t ban him from the conference and may not go anywhere at his work but at least someone would be tipped off to keep a close watch on him.

    Reply ↓
  32. Passive-Aggressive Retribution*

    I’m going to vote for a passive-aggressive response to his “plausibly deniable”-aggressive behavior. An accidental spill of very hot coffee…lap or laptop.

    Reply ↓
    1. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

      Oh no, then he gets to be the victim (and maybe escalate or file suit), and at least is able to deflect from his awful behavior. And maybe he does get seriously burned or has his laptop damaged.

      Never a good idea.

      Reply ↓
  33. Wingo Staww*

    I am not really into “exposing” people to their employers because of bad behavior in public. It just feels gross to me and representative of internet “cancel culture,” which I also really hare. I wouldn’t want that done to me, so I wouldn’t do it to him.

    Yes, he is an absolute boor and I hope he receives some natural consequences. I think it’s a little much to tattle on him to conference organizers/his employer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ms. Murchison*

      He is verbally harassing this woman and repeatedly touching her without her consent while she can’t get away from him, all while representing his company. If he was out on a sales call, trapped a woman in a room and did this, you can bet he’d be out on his ass. If you did the same while representing your company, you should be out on your ass too. I think you need to re-examine why you hate “cancel culture” if you think you should be able to get away with this without repercussions from your employer.

      Reply ↓
      1. Wingo Staww*

        I shared my personal opinion, that’s all. You are free to believe differently and LW is free to react as she likes.

        Reply ↓
    2. LetterWriter*

      LW here. In my younger days, I reported bad behaviour of a fellow office mate and ended up being dismissed from the job. You never know how much the management can come up with reasons on how you “don’t fit the team”. The term “fit” is so broad that could be anything.

      Some men could get excited even more if women react. I remained a neutral expression for the remainder of the flight and guarded my carry-on items.

      I don’t agree 100% with the current “cancel culture”, but I can’t think of a better way that the profession could take wide-sweeping actions to stop the explicit bad behaviour.

      Reply ↓
      1. Workerbee*

        Especially since you had to do and are still doing all the work of having to handle it while that asshat didn’t give a shit about the behaviors he CHOSE to perform.

        Reply ↓
    3. Workerbee*

      Ad nauseum, it is not “tattling” even if it were only one of these behaviors and not the entire laundry list you seem to have missed. This is not kindergarten.

      Reply ↓
    4. Minimal Pear*

      I largely agree with you BUT I think situations like this one involving bigotry are an exception. Especially since this guy was sort of representing his company in this context.

      Reply ↓
      1. Wingo Staww*

        That is fair. I might suggest bringing up issues of bigoted remarks w/ the flight attendant in the moment, as the most action could be taken in that specific moment rather than long after the fact.

        Reply ↓
    5. xylocopa*

      Sometimes the “natural consequences” for bad behavior on a work trip are people reporting your bad behavior to your work…? What natural consequences are you thinking of, and how should they happen?

      Reply ↓
  34. That's gneiss*

    I know my professional organization has a pretty broad harassment policy, so I would definitely have reported an incident like this. If your org or the event doesn’t have an anti-harassment statement or policy, that’s probably telling of how far your comments will go, though. I can’t tell from the letter why OP thinks she can’t report it, whether that’s their own judgement or based on a reading of some policy. I’m very grateful that my main professional association takes these things seriously — though it’s definitely a case of harassment happening enough that there were plenty of experiences to help paint such a policy…

    And I would say the same to reporting him to his own company. Maybe it goes nowhere, but if they’re on a business trip, talking about their work, they’re representing their company, and that seems relevant to me. But the mileage will vary drastically by company and probably even by whichever HR person reads the complaint. It seems like a big stretch to imagine that kind of complaint dinging the OP though, unless he’s some kind of real big wig, so it feels like not much to lose to me. Objectively speaking, that is. There’s always an emotional toll to reporting this stuff and not being taken seriously.

    Reply ↓
  35. RCB*

    I’d advise you to report it to your manager and/or HR at your company, simply because you were harassed, and it was sexual, as part of your work. It wasn’t by a coworker so the company doesn’t have to do anything here but the record is important. The company can then decide if it’s worth escalating or not but at least you’ve done your part and made sure you reported it, because I assure you that you are not the only person he’s done this to.

    Reply ↓
  36. IWroteThisintheBathroom*

    The remarks are definitely over the line, and you could say something based on that. But, a lot of people dislike or are afraid of flying, and a lot of neurodivergent people might act “unusual” or “off” because of the crowding and overload in that kind of situation. Mostly, I’m team ignore others when I fly for those reasons.

    If you say something, focus on the remarks. Things like getting up frequently or keeping someone from getting into your personal space are annoying, but not on the same level.

    Honestly, this post worries me a little. I’ve acted weird on planes before due to sensory overload. No remarks! But crying, subtle stimming, and telling anyone who crosses over into my seat or lets their kid kick mine, to stop. Got stuck next to a lap child and in front of another once, and I’m sure I seemed like I hated kids, but I just really didn’t want to spend a three hour flight being kicked and grabbed. I wouldn’t want to have problems at work or be shamed online for saying I paid for my entire seat, or to please control your kid.

    Reply ↓
  37. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

    At Sunday’s Philadelphia Eagles playoff game (go birds) a jerk used abusive and hateful language towards a Green Bay Packers fan. Someone recorded the interaction and put it on twitter. He since has been doxed and the whole world now knows who he is. It’s a shame you could not quietly do the same.

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  38. Raida*

    I would figure out who’s in his team or is his manager, fire off a message saying “FYI this is how your staff behaved on the flight. They weren’t in company branded clothes, it wasn’t at the conference, but you better believe he’ll be remembered. Thought you’d want to know he makes racist, sexist conversation to a woman stranger trapped next to him for four hours, then harasses her when she tells him to stop. Oh, and the drinking – probably not helpful to his social skills.”

    Because fck that guy

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  40. slantedSun*

    I don’t know if this was DEFCON (that’s the first tech-related conference in Las Vegas I can think of with the kind of reach that would fill a plane) but if it was, I know DEFCON goons (conference volunteers) who would definitely want to know about this. It might not be enough to blacklist the guy, but it could add to other things that aren’t quite bad enough to reach a tipping point

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