CEO shared family trip photos after announcing budget cuts, new hire aggressively compliments our work, and more

by Alison Green on January 17, 2025

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. CEO shared family trip photos after announcing budget cuts

We just had a company-wide town hall, and the CEO — whom I’ve always known to be even-tempered and generally reasonable — kicked things off by sharing a recap and photos of his recent Disney World trip with 20 family members. This comes shortly after we were told about budget cuts, no bonuses, and rising health insurance costs that are eating into our modest merit increases. Needless to say, vacations aren’t exactly top of mind for most of us right now. Was this tone-deaf? Or am I overreacting?

It was tone-deaf.

Most people have no interest in seeing the CEO’s family trip photos at the best of times! Displaying the photos at all is weirdly self-centered for a town hall. But doing it right after announcing bad financial news is astonishingly out of touch.

2. Struggling new hire won’t stop aggressively complimenting our work

I work in a 30-person department in a much larger 10,000-person organization. The department is divided into several smaller teams with individual supervisors and team leads in addition to the more junior folk, and I’m the departmental manager.

We have a recent hire who is struggling performance wise. We have them on a PIP and are doing all we need to there. Some of the areas of improvement are really, really basic (and this is not an entry-level position) like “respond to colleagues’ email questions” and don’t no-show meetings. They don’t have much in the way of skills yet in the position either. I share this for context, that this employment relationship is really not going well. They also don’t have much grasp of organizational norms like not asking the CEO for direction on a project directly in the bathroom.

Yet this person loves to give work-related compliments. Daily “I’m so impressed by the quality of your work on this project” type of comments to me, who is more senior and decades more experienced than them. “I am struck by how passionate and hard-working this team is. Well done” after their colleagues have completed a project they had nothing to do with. Occasionally, this is peppered with unasked for, lengthy feedback on projects they had nothing to do with, with wacky suggestions for improvement. These have been easier to deal with directly.

The compliments, however, appear awkward for folks on the receiving end. I’ve noticed the immediate team barely responds anymore. It feels like this is the individual’s attempt to dominate and exert authority in areas where, frankly, they have no subject knowledge. How would you respond?

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” That’s it.

It’s possible that it’s an attempt to assert authority where they have none (the unsolicited feedback on projects they’re not involved with certainly sounds like that), but it’s also possible that they know they’re flailing and are looking for some way to better enmesh with the team / be liked / contribute something people will appreciate. It’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d look at it as an additional facet of the incompetence you’re seeing in other areas. They’re not reading situations well, they probably sense that on some level, and they’re trying to fix it … just badly.

If they were otherwise a promising employee and the inappropriate compliments were affecting their working relationships or the way they were perceived, it would be a kindness to talk to them about it. But since this is the least of the issues you’ve got to tackle with this person, a quick “thanks, appreciate it” is the way to go.

3. Calling out your company on social media

Last week Meta announced some changes to their free speech policies, including some quite awful examples of posts they will now allow, which include things like calling immigrants “dirt” and describing homosexuality as a mental illness. I don’t work for Meta, but I saw a post from a connection of a connection on LinkedIn who does work there. She’s written a long and (in my view) well-argued post, criticizing the new policy and outlining the harm to marginalized communities, including the LGBT+ community she’s a member of. Frankly I wish more people were as brave as her in calling out the terrible practices of their companies.

She has not put anything about her intention to leave, but my question is: is someone working for an organization as big and as politically influential as Meta risking their job by publicly criticizing their company on an issue like this? In my view it’s not the same as airing your office’s dirty laundry — it’s not like she’s posting about her boss Gary who she’s fallen out with. And these are major changes that will likely affect her community, maybe her personal online safety, and are quite obviously politically driven. But of course she is calling into question the wisdom of her organization’s leadership and the decisions of her colleagues, even if they are people she doesn’t know personally. What do you think?

Yes, there’s some risk to her job. Not necessarily the “call you into HR and fire you today” kind of risk, but the risk that she’ll be more likely to end up on lay-off lists? Or not be promoted into a higher-level position she might want at some point? Absolutely. (In theory there’s also the “fire you today” kind of risk, but she hopefully has enough of a read on the politics of her workplace to know whether that’s likely or not.)

It’s also true that the larger the company and the more they’re used to being part of the public dialogue (as Meta is, and especially right now), the more they’re probably used to these kinds of internal discussions playing out publicly and the less jarring it may feel internally.

4. My boss calls me, and only me, by my last name

I have been employed at my current company for 20+ years. My manager and I share the same first name. In one-on-one conversations or emails, he refers to me by my first name. In all other instances, he calls me by my last name. Others are starting to pick up on this during team meetings and they do the same. He only does this to me — everyone else is on a first name basis. It makes me feel disrespected. What is a good way to tell him this bothers me? And should it bother me?

I don’t know that he’s doing it to disrespect you, but you’re allowed to prefer being called by your first name!

My guess is that because you share a name, he might be trying to distinguish between the two of you. Obviously when he’s the one speaking, it’ll be obvious that when he says Lucien, he’s referring to the Lucien who is not him (unless he has a habit of talking about himself in the third person). But maybe he’s hoping that if he uses your last name, others will pick up on it (as they are) and it will cut down on confusion about which Lucien is being referenced when others talk. I don’t know — just a guess. Regardless, you can absolutely say to him, “I noticed you often call me Mackelberry instead of Lucien. I really prefer Lucien.”

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. Instead, please flag the comment for me (to do that, reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it) and I’ll take care of it. If you want, you can respond “reported” so people know it’s been dealt with and isn’t just being allowed to stand. But please do not engage. Thank you.

  2. Daria grace*

    #2, this person could be trying to assert authority but my guess is they knew they need to do things differently at work, went looking for advice in suboptimal places and have misapplied scripting and advice to a situation it really wasn’t intended for.

    1. Artemesia*

      They are more likely to want to appear with it and connect with people and it is one more example of their basic social ineptness.

      1. Annony*

        I was thinking that they may be modeling what they want to hear. They know that they would want to be praised for the little things so they are doing that for others and hoping it will be reciprocated.

    2. EngineeringFun*

      I am new to a company with an older workforce, many I suspect do very little work. I am a major project leader with tight time lines (new type of work for the company). Two of the employees act this way (overly friendly and quick to compliment), and I have had to have conversations with their direct supervisors about their poor work product. There is a connection there.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        A lot of people will fall back on people pleasing behavior when they believe themselves to be in danger. It’s not usually even a conscious process, the brain just has subroutines that go “I’m at risk here, find someone who can protect me and make them like me so they’ll want to keep me safe.”

          1. PegS*

            Yes this. They’re hoping their “likeability” will make an impact. But too much praising just ends up sounding disingenuous.

          3. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

            As someone whose response is “fawn,” this sounds very familiar. (I mean, I make an effort to not do it, but I do instinctively try to compliment people and make nice with them if I get a sense of trouble or danger. In my case it’s a trauma response.)

        2. Still Cringing*

          I recall doing this once when I was an intern. The organization was a disaster but my immature behaviour wasn’t improving the situation. The director that I complimented graciously accepted it, and still gave me the tough feedback I needed to hear. To this day I feel nauseous with embarrassment just thinking about it.

          Now, nearly 20 years later, I know that very same director socially. We’ve never discussed that incident but, based on my career trajectory, I hope she can see how formative that conversation was for me.

        3. frogtown*

          Friend of mine has a new, obviously insecure manager who is struggling in a role they are not a great fit for, and apparently in response the new manager is doing things like telling the team “we’re going to get this (massive, 12-months-at-minimum project they have no experience with) done in 3 months so it goes live on grandboss’s birthday! As a present to him!” Sigh. (As everyone on the team expected, manager walked back on this a few weeks later and project now has a more realistic time frame)

        4. Kella*

          I’m actually not sure this is an example of fawn. Fawn/submit is one of my strongest, most common trauma responses and there’s a few things different about what this guy is doing.

          For one, his compliments are being in a phrased in a way where in addition to flattery, he is also asserting his own importance and relevancy to assessing their skill. “I am impressed” comes with the implied “and I am someone you should want to impress” as opposed to “I really admire” which is focused on making the recipient feel good about themselves.

          Secondly, because fawning is reactionary and responsive. If he were fawning and people were giving next to no response, I’d expect him to double down, compliment more, or shift complimenting tactics, in an effort to get an external sign that the recipient likes him. But it sounds like he’s entirely unaware of the way people are reacting to these compliments, which is literally the opposite of the goal of fawning.

          1. M*

            Just wanted to say that I think this does a great job of capturing some of the undercurrents here. It’s always hard to judge when you’re only getting a snapshot, from one person’s perspective, but this doesn’t feel to me like a panic response situation from how OP2’s described it.

            In the context of the other issues OP2’s described – stopping very senior staff for project input *in the bathroom*; random and overwrought improvement suggestions for others while a new, junior, person on a PIP; constantly repeated situationally inappropriate praise for their manager’s work? There’s a lot that could be, both innocent (terrible sense of work norms) and shitty (e.g. read some very bad advice about how to “look like a management candidate” in a junior role) but none of that fits with a fight-flight-fawn response.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I feel a little bad for them; it sounds like this job is not a good fit, and they’re out of their depth in general. Even if you’re familiar with workplace norms, when you’re frustrated or overwhelmed, sometimes things can fall apart pretty quickly. They may do really well in a different role — this one clearly isn’t it.

      1. Kat*

        Agreed, I’m surprised by the LW and some of the commenters reading some kind of bad-faith or even nefarious intent into this. He is very well aware of his situation and trying to do something to save his job that is well-intentioned and doesn’t actually have any negative impact. He probably really does know that everyone else there is more impressive and is better at their jobs than him!

        I don’t see any reason to address this. It would be like kicking him while he’s already down.

        1. MassMatt*

          There’s no need to be nasty or cruel, but it is frustrating that someone who doesn’t respond to emails and no-shows at meetings, produces bad work, etc still needs a PIP process to be fired.

          This person is very clearly not suited for this role and lacks basic skills even entry-level employees generally have. IMO dragging things out does no one, including the problem employee, any favors, though given most employers’ fear of being sued I get that it’s the reality.

          This is a good argument for probationary periods.

          And it’s worth asking how this person got hired.

          1. Kat*

            I don’t disagree that PIPs aren’t always necessary, and may not have been necessary in this case, but I don’t think that’s really relevant to the letter or what I said. The LW is asking whether they should tell this guy who knows that he sucks at his job that he also sucks at this other fairly low-stakes thing, and I agree with Alison that the answer is no. Framing it as an “attempt to dominate and exert authority” is really puzzling to me, and I think the LW should just put it out of mind.

              1. Bunny*

                I did this until I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder; I still do it to a degree. I feel badly for this employee.

              2. MigraineMonth*

                Compliments and unasked for feedback can be used–by someone much more skilled at social maneuvering than this employee!–to assert authority over or to undermine someone else. Think of the peer who gives you mentoring-type advice you never asked for, or the man who keeps complimenting his manager on her organization and note-taking abilities.

                Even when it’s not intended as manipulation, having your most junior colleague say “you did so well!” when you complete a project is a weird and somewhat condescending role reversal. There was a past letter where someone compared it to a toddler telling an adult they did a good job washing their hands.

                2. Kat*

                  OK, but that’s like saying that because it’s possible to use a knife to chop vegetables, then it’s also possible to use a knife to stab someone. Technically true, but context really matters when you’re talking about someone doing something innocuous vs. something malicious.

                  This guy knows he’s in a bad spot, and he’s just doing this mildly awkward thing that ultimately doesn’t matter. It’s not that he’s not good at “social maneuvering”—there’s really no reason to even think he’s acting with hostile intent in the first place.

                  He’s on his way out. Just let him go.

                3. MigraineMonth*

                  @Kat – I think the compliments are coming across as condescending, and that’s why LW2 wrote in, but I agree that there’s no need to address it in this instance. The employee doesn’t sound manipulative, and there are far more important issues to address.

                4. DE*

                  This really seems like people are being too sensitive. Can we not even compliment each other anymore?

                5. New Jack Karyn*

                  DE: It’s not the fact that he’s complimenting LW and others on their work–it’s the way he’s doing it. Assuming that she’s quoting him correctly, the connotations of his word choice make it seem like he’s senior to them. Like if a teenager with a guitar told Taylor Swift, “Nice show last night, I’m impressed!”

                  In his position, a better way to compliment his coworkers and those senior to him might be, “Your project is really impressive–I learned a lot from seeing all the pieces come together!”

        2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

          I typically fall on the malice not stupidity side of things, and even my cynical self just feels bad for the guy. He’s failing and flailing. He’s trying to build relationships with coworkers so work is not completely miserable. Yes, deep down he’s hoping someone will compliment him about something/anything ever, but even that is less malice than a pitiable wish to feel better.
          Or not. Just a gut feeling.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Of all the things to deal with I think OP can let this one go. It’s not the worst instinct when someone is struggling to fit in, and trying to correct how someone bonds / compliments others would come across really badly. If I had someone I was advising who was struggling I’d probably tell them to lead with gratitude in the hopes that others would at least be kind to them (while still probably managing them out, mind you), and that’s how I read this. Give them a little grace on this one, I think you’re unnecessarily adding it to that mental box of “crackers” they’re eating.

      2. allx*

        This is kind adivce. I love the last sentence, especially “unnecessarily” and “mental box of crackers they’re eating” phrasing.

      3. JFC*

        Yeah, I actually feel bad for the employee and it seems like LW is being a bit harsh. My interpretation is that the employee knows they are struggling and have somehow decided that ingratiating themselves with their colleagues may help the situation. It feels misguided but not intentionally harmful, and perhaps the result of misplaced career advice. I’d love to see LW use these as teaching moments, thank the employee and then give them some suggestions on how they can apply what they think is great about their coworkers to their own work. It may not work out (it sounds like this job may be a poor fit anyway) but it’s worth the attempt IMO.

        1. Yankees fans are awesome*

          Well, yeah, they’re “struggling,” but on basic things like responding to emails and (not) showing up to meetings.

          My cynical side says he wants to continue to get away with it, so he schmoozes everyone as cover to to do. I know I’d follow the “Thanks” and then move on advice.

        2. Observer*

          d love to see LW use these as teaching moments, thank the employee and then give them some suggestions on how they can apply what they think is great about their coworkers to their own work.

          I think that would be very unwise. For one thing, it’s more time and energy than the LW should need to be spending on a issue that’s not even close to one of the top make-or-break issues this employee has.

          For another thing, this absolutely going to give them the wrong message. Because they don’t really have the standing to make the comments or pay the compliments they have been giving. But this kind of discussion implies that the employee’s comment was appropriate. So while I don’t think there is malice here, it still is not something the LW should actually encourage.

    5. Dr. vibrissae*

      I also wonder if they could have come from a different work culture. This type of general compliment is a common response to emailed announcements of achievements at my workplace (not the feedback though, that’s awkward). But if they previously worked somewhere where it was common to say, great job, it might just be another example of inability to read the room/workplace culture. While I understand why it grates, as Alison said, it’s probably not worth addressing when there are much bigger fish to fry.

      1. Saturday*

        Yeah, I wondered this too. The compliments didn’t seem that odd to me. I think in the LW’s view, compliments should flow downward and should only be given when a person is directly involved with the relevant projects, but I don’t think it’s that way everywhere. Being impressed by the work of someone more senior and more experienced would seem normal in my workplace. Agree that it doesn’t make sense to think too much about this one – a quick thanks and move on.

        1. Laudare*

          Yeah, it seems some people think compliments are something a person with power does to bestow an act of generosity on someone without power, and so they see compliments going up the hierarchy as an affront to the power structure. It’s an overwhelmingly weird and unhealthy way to feel about compliments, but it’s just one of the unhealthy outcomes in such a power structure.

    6. Beth*

      Yeah, I don’t see bad intentions here–just a person who can tell they’re struggling and is flailing under the circumstances. People often don’t act as their best professional selves when they know they’re not doing well. The best thing for him to do would be to quit and get out of this situation, but given the state of the job market, I understand why he isn’t jumping to that!

    7. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Is the person a recent graduate? These comments remind me of things a students would say/post to get participation points in classes that required it.

  3. Greyhound*

    #1 ugh, yet another example of how oblivious people can be to the financial circumstances of those well off than they are. It’s pervasive and infuriating.

    1. Daria grace*

      #1. Why do they do that? I once had senior leaders who would tell us all about their nice holidays and about how important it was that we all used our leave to take a break. Problem was, not only did they not pay us well, they were super unreasonable about granting leave requests. Like even with 6 months notice single day leave requests that weren’t around public holidays often got declined. That executive may have regretted putting a note about how he welcomes feedback in the end of his email….

      1. Shinespark*

        It’s like they live in a different world! At one of my old jobs the CEO left on such a tone-deaf note. He’d gotten an executive role elsewhere, but spoke at length in his leaving announcement about how this would pay to put nearly a dozen (mostly unborn!) grandkids through private school and college.

        Not what people barely scraping a cost of living raise wanted to hear! He’d been a decent CEO otherwise, but now that’s all most people remember about him.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I think that we do, pretty literally, live lives completely separated on class and wealth lines. It’s uncomfortable to be close with someone who has far more opportunities and security than you do, or someone who has far less.

          Whenever I hear about a super-rich person doing something completely out of touch, I take the opportunity to remind myself that compared to most of the world, I’m *also* super-rich and couldn’t survive a day in the “real world”.

          1. Disappointed Australien*

            Very much this.

            It’s easy to spend your time looking up at people better off than you are rather than all the masses of people worse off. Oooh, look at me with my drinkable water from a tap right inside my weather-tight house in a safe country, my life is so hard when I can’t afford some random geegaw.

            One “tip for happiness” I recall hearing when I was younger is that you’ll enjoy life more if you hang out with people who spend less than you can afford to, rather than people who appear to be able to spend more.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        I think these people either genuinely don’t think about how much things cost or they assume everybody has a safety net. We had a taoiseach in Ireland a few years back who was noted for being out of touch and one thing he said was that those who were struggling to get on the property ladder should just borrow the money from their parents; there was no shame in it. He did backtrack afterwards and say he’d just meant it might be an option for some people, but I think he genuinely hadn’t considered that there were people who didn’t have any relatives with large amounts of money lying around. I think he just assumed people didn’t do it because they didn’t like to ask or something.

        I also suspect some of these people spend so much on their holidays that they assume that people on lower incomes just spend less. Look at all the advice about “make coffee at home instead of buying Starbucks,” sometimes to people on income levels where they probably aren’t drinking coffee at all. I suspect that if those people are thinking at all, they are thinking, “well, of course my employees can’t afford to go skiing in Switzerland like I can, but they could surely afford a week in the neighbouring state. Sure, everybody can afford that. They should just be financially sensible and choose a holiday in the country instead of going abroad,” not realising that only going to the next state isn’t being financially careful for most people.

        I think they just don’t have to think much about money and a lot of them were born into it so they just assume it’s always there and not something you have to think about. I also have wealthy relatives who once said they don’t understand how people can say they can’t afford private school for their kids; it’s a false economy because you end up paying more as you then have to pay for their horse-riding lessons and dance classes and schoolbooks and so on separately. I’ll grant the last, but that most kids don’t go horse riding didn’t even seem to occur to her.

        I will add that this woman never really worked a day in her life. She and her siblings mainly lived off their inheritance until it started running out and in her case, she and her husband actually made the papers with the level of debt they were in. OK, that is an extreme case and even most wealthy people realise you cannot spend millions more than you have, but I think it highlights how some people who have grown up with money just don’t think about it and just assume that if people aren’t going on holiday or whatever, that they just aren’t planning properly.

        Not that it’s an excuse. An iota of thought should make them realise it.

        2. Emmy Noether*

          I think when it’s politicians, it’s mostly scary because how are they going to make good policy when they fundamentally misunderstand the reality of their people?

          When it’s the boss, it’s more galling, because the inequality is more direct – it is concrete, specific dollars that are going to them and not you.

          1. Rainy*

            I think when they’re actual classes, like part of the overall curriculum, at some schools there aren’t extra fees. It’s when it’s an extra option or an extra activity that you know for sure there’s an extra fee. I dated a guy who went to a super fancy boarding school, though he was a day student as he lived in town, and one of his three sports was non-competitive sea kayaking, so kayak time during the term and a twice-yearly kayak trip where they kayak-camped up the coast of Maine for a couple of weeks was included in his regular school fees. His school also offered equestrian for one of your sports and it was the same deal, pretty much. The school owned kayaks but he said by junior year everyone who was serious had gotten their own gear rather than using school gear, but then had to pay storage fees. I expect that if you wanted to bring your own horse your parents would have to pay board, vet & farrier, trailering fees etc, but I think he said that if you used school equipment for any of your sports it was all just part of your regular tuition.

            1. Grandma*

              I once taught at a small ranch school where vaulting (gymnastics on horses) was a weekly part of PE. Nobody was going to make the Olympic team, but they definitely learned excellent balance.

          2. Ellie*

            I haven’t heard of horse riding, but the schools we’re considering right now offer things like music lessons (piano, guitar – whatever you like), choirs, exposure to the art world, every sport you can name under the sun, chess club, debating, writers conventions, school supplied tutors who are available before and after school, and during breaks, dance (ballet, tab, musical production, etc.), robotics, as well as several international trips as part of the languages program. For a public school kid like myself and my husband, it makes us feel a bit sick to see the difference (for example – my high school didn’t offer chemistry. I had to bus between two different schools.) But yes…. considering our children are currently taking piano and ballet lessons, it does now factor into our budget that we will no longer have to pay for that. As does my daughter’s learning disability – when she enters high school, she will have a dedicated learning program and tutor to assist her with that. It makes me quite angry, actually, despite the fact that I’m now in a position to afford it. There is such a massive difference that money can provide.

            Genuinely, there might be some people who are just out of touch, but I think there’s a fair amount who just want to brag about their vacation.

        4. Reluctant Mezzo*

          We will soon have a Secretary of the Treasury who really insists that billionaires need tax cuts, but that the federal minimum wage doesn’t need to be raised.

          Still stunned by the dissonance.

          1. Tea Monk*

            And you’ll see people go ” we need work requirements for food/ medical care” as if making people’s basic needs contingent on low wage employers is a good idea

        5. Disappointed Australien*

          National-level politicians inevitably end up spending a lot of time with wealthy people, and living lifestyles that cost a lot of money. Especially leaders and cabinet members. Donors *want* to give them expensive things. So it’s easy to lose touch regardless of how you grew up.

          Both Australia and Aotearoa have had leaders who grew up in state housing as the child of single parents and went on to make ridiculous rich person gaffes. The current Australian Prime Minister just bought a $4.5M beachfront mansion during a cost of living and especially cost of housing crisis. Growing up in a state house didn’t stop him, or even make him especially interested in making sure state housing is an option for people who need it (they promise to build an extra few thousand state houses when the deficit is growing by more than that every year).

        6. Banana Pyjamas*

          You see this all the time in housekeeping content too. Almost everyone who teaches others how to keep house assumes you have a dishwasher. Most working class people don’t, they live paycheck to paycheck, and the dishwashers cost several hundred dollars. It’s a pet peeve of mine. I finally broke and bought one in 2020, but there were previous years where that wouldn’t have been an option.

      3. Sparkles McFadden*

        These people buy into the nonsense that they’re well-off because they’re smarter, they work harder, and they’re more deserving. We had an exec who did exactly what’s described in this letter. We all pushed back on this and he responded to the criticism by saying he was trying to show us what we could have if we worked harder. Yeah, OK.

      4. The Starsong Princess*

        I heard a rumor that the very well compensated partners in my company are told very directly by the managing partner not to drive expensive or sports cars to work. Apparently, they should have a “work car” that is nice but not too nice and he doesn’t want to see anyone flaunting wealth.

        1. Accountress*

          I had a management professor in my undergrad who, when he was an exec at a large plant, instructed people who reported to him to drive union-made, domestic cars to work. in his opinion, grand displays of wealth were not conducive to a peaceful workplace.

          1. Rainy*

            I lived in KC for a long time and at the Ford plant north of town that employed a lot of people, there were separate lots for people who drove non-Fords. I haven’t lived there in a long time so I don’t know how it works now, but back in the day the auto workers got a huge break on the vehicles their plant made, a less huge break on Ford models that weren’t made at that plant, and also the parking lots closest to the doors were reserved for Fords. If you drove a Honda or whatever you had to park down the road out of sight.

            1. Banana Pyjamas*

              That’s how my Mom got our Escort. She didn’t work for Ford directly, but at the time they also offered discounts to employees of the companies that made components for their vehicles.

      5. Ama*

        There are a surprisingly large number of people in the world who are incapable of seeing someone else’s point of view – especially if considering that point of view would put their own actions in a negative light.

        They want to share their vacation photos because they enjoyed their vacation and that’s probably mostly it- they aren’t thinking at all about the juxtaposition to budget cuts. I find that people in senior leadership roles are particularly prone to this if they are unwilling to consider power differentials in their relationship with junior staff – if they are a “we’re all family” type for example.

        1. Sacred Ground*

          It takes a fairly high level of narcissism and/or cluelessness to think your family vacation videos are at all relevant, interesting, or appropriate to show your employees at a company-wide meeting. Nevermind the context of budget cuts, it’s a gross thing to do under any circumstances, wasting people’s time like and forcing them to feign interest in your personal life like that.

          1. Ellie*

            It is, and my work actually made a feature of this for a number of months. I think the idea was to humanise the lead team, so each of them did a little video thing of them standing at home, sometimes with their family or pets in the background, and talk about who they were. I hope someone realised the optics of seeing these people pretending to just be one of us, with their huge mansions in the background, and put a stop to it, but I suspect they all just got too busy to continue.

            Seriously, I don’t want to know anything about the people I work under. I just want them to treat me with respect and provide me with decent working conditions. That’s it.

      6. NaoNao*

        My best guess here is the mindset is (outside of sheer narcissism which could be the sole explanation) that many CEOs are taught or advised to appear human, approachable, and down to earth. Showing vacation “snaps” is one way that many regular-level employees bond and have fun, so the CEO is likely trying in their own wrong-headed way to appear like “just one of the guys!”. Or in some mental gymnastics, aspirational like “look what you could have someday…maybe!”

        1. boof*

          My other guess is this is probably how they hobnob with eachother, and they don’t quite realize that ribbing it up at the [golf? country club?] sharing tips on the best exotic vacation hot spots isn’t what people in other economic brackets are up to.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            In the CEO’s (weak) defense, Disneyland isn’t generally considered an exotic vacation destination, so they might have thought it would resonate with the plebian masses who like low-brow mouse-centered entertainment.

            1. Jenesis*

              I don’t think of Disneyland as an exotic vacation destination, but that’s because I used to live a 30 minute drive away. I went there a few times and after that it was just “that place where you reliably expect the freeway traffic to clog up.” I expect a lot of Floridians feel the same way about Disney World.

              I don’t necessarily know I would feel the same way if I lived in the Midwest or the Deep South and I was too poor to even take a day trip to the next state over.

              1. Cohort1*

                Not exotic really, but very expensive. Currently a 1-day ticket runs from $104-$206 per day to visit either Disneyland OR California Adventure (side-by-side Disney parks). If you want to see both, add another $65. The difference in base cost is demand: higher demand, summer, spring break, etc., $206, a Wednesday in January $104. If you want some line cutting options (the lines can be an hour+ long), that’s another $35, and don’t forget the $35 parking fee. Wait! There’s more! Can you get out of the park without eating or buying a souvenir? Want a photo? Those items are not inconsequential. Do price out overnight options at any local hotel, especially a Disney Resort hotel. Yikes! 20 family members, multiple days can add up to the price of rent in San Francisco for a studio apartment for many months.

            2. Ellie*

              Unless he was about to do an Oprah (as in, ‘You’re going to Disneyland! And you are, and you are, and all of you are!), or the company is sending a bunch of sick children there, then he should have kept it to himself.

        2. Rainy*

          “Hello, fellow workers! Are we showing pet photos? Here are photos of my new Friesian stallion Bonhomie’s Excellent Salute! Oh, you have a cat? I also have a cat! Look at my adorable clouded leopard Philip! We built a new guesthouse and turned the old one into a habitat for him!”

      7. daffodil*

        It’s like they cannot handle the reality that they determine your income and it’s less than they could live on. Once my husband worked for a small company, just a few support people for someone who had made a bunch of money from oil and got hired to consult a lot. Once the boss said something like “you should take your girlfriend to this fancy restaurant!” and spouse literally said “you don’t pay me enough for me to afford that.” I don’t recommend this as a tactic in general, but he did get a raise after that.

        1. Kevin Finnerty*

          I was an entry-level associate at a small law firm. The two named partners did close to zero work and both drove Bentleys. I was making about $60k and a lot of that was going to student loan payments. One of them kept hassling me that my very ten-year-old Ford in the parking lot looked bad to clients. I finally told him I would happily lease a Mercedes but step one was him giving me a substantial raise. He never brought it up again.

          1. Nina from Corporate Accounts Payable*

            Sounds like the owners of the company at my first job out of college. I had a long commute and a car that broke down frequently. I was late one day because of car problems and one of the owners asked me and I told him the reason. He said “you need to get a new car” and I said “I can’t afford one”. Another owner chimed in “you need to get a new car” and again I said “I can’t afford one”. I then said I live with my parents and I don’t spend much on other things, but I still couldn’t afford a new car. One of the clown owners said “I know, you have a crack addiction!” I just mumbled “yeah, that’s it”. I was paid a pittance at that job and they knew it. Meanwhile they were driving Porsches and owned small private planes.

            One of my colleagues heard the entire conversation and he was disgusted on my behalf. I only stayed there for 9 months – I just needed that first job experience and moved on. Within six months at my new job, I could afford a new car! And now that I’m in my peak earning years, I can afford to lease nice cars as I please, but I stick with Toyotas and hang onto them for years. Those owners would probably laugh.

            1. RVA Cat*

              History nerd here with the totally unrelated fact that the tumbrels that carried aristocrats to the guillotine were literally dump carts used for hauling manure.

      8. Baunilha*

        My husband’s boss, when announcing a raise freeze, tried to commiserate with the employees by saying things were bad for him too: he didn’t get to travel abroad that year, and he had to sell one of his cars.
        Back then, my husband had never left the country, and we didn’t (still don’t, actually) have car.

      9. Beth*

        They really do live in a different world. They know their staff makes less than them, but assume that if their income covers a really nice 4-bedroom with a yard in their city, then surely their lowest-paid staff can afford a 2-bedroom apartment. Or, sure, their staff probably can’t afford an international trip to go snorkeling in the Maldives, but surely they can pull off a week in a cabin driving-distance away.

        Same for leave requests. Their leave hasn’t gotten denied, after all, and they’re very important–so everyone else also probably can get it approved, as long as they’re thoughtful about timing and coverage!

    2. Palmer*

      I think I’d talk to my coworkers and make a case as a group that it is incredibly disheartening and seriously undermines morale for leadership to make such a serious misstep that injures the business. It’d probably result in pizza parties, but it’d definitely send a message to said executive to never do that again. It might also result in some better conditions or folks to find better jobs rather than benefit that piece of work.

    3. English Rose*

      Yes, my friend’s CEO – similar situation to OP with budget cuts, layoffs etc – recorded a Christmas message to staff which included a tour of his Georgian mansion…

      1. DramaQ*

        I can beat everyone on out of touch VPs.

        At my last employer over a company sponsored meal of cheap sandwiches the VP gave a speech to thank essential workers.

        He told us we should not think of COVID as a bad thing but a blessing because without it we wouldn’t have come together as a company and made the record profits we did over three years.

        All of us in the room were on a wage freeze the entire time because the company said there wasn’t enough money and to avoid layoffs hard decisions had to
        be made.

        Many of us got by being exposed at work due to shitty protections.

        You could have heard a pin drop. I’m still surprised people didn’t riot. So glad to have enlarged the VPs stock portfolio off my back.

        They could not figure out why a month later they were approaching 50% turn around in staff who’d been required to be on site during the pandemic.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          OMG WTF that’s AWFUL. So so so sorry. I hope you are one of the 50% who left and are in a much better place now.

        2. Her My Own Knee*

          You know, I really wish in situations like this people WOULD riot. Just fully lose their sh*t on greedy cretins like this & walk out en masse.

          2. Zipperhead*

            Now, now, riots are messy and violent and can lead to injuries to innocent, torch-wielding participants, as well as property damage.

            Much more efficient for everyone to show up for work the next day wearing Luigi hats in order to non-violently terrify the CEO into a heart attack…

        4. Raisineye*

          I almost want to ask if we worked at the same place, but mine happened over email and in person. I was lab staff at a clinic that had been taken over by a large healthcare org right before Covid. Our lab it was decided would do ALL of the covid PCR testing for the region. We were NOT a 24/7 operation, we only had one PCR instrument, and we had to do all of the other regular testing as well. After a year of working LOTS of overtime and giving ourselves repetitive stress injuries, we all asked for a retention bonus (remember, this was a time when healthcare jobs were offering crazy sign on bonuses to new folks). One day we had an email from the CEO of the entire large healthcare org saying that fiscal year 2020 was great for the shareholders, they made a 30 BILLION dollar profit, shareholders didn’t care how it was done – they just wanted it repeated. That same day the lab staff was told that there wasn’t money for us to have retention bonuses. So tone deaf.

    4. Seashell*

      I feel badly for everyone dealing with it. It’s traumatic and a major loss. I dealt with a less traumatic natural disaster where I only lost some stuff and I had family members I could fall back on, but it was still awful. These people having money doesn’t immunize them from experiencing pain.

    5. linger*

      Disney trip presentation just confirms this is Mickey Mouse leadership. (Which might also be inferred from the company’s self-described financial straits.)

      1. KatCardigans*

        I doubt it—if you’re leadership at Disney, then a vacation to Disney is probably a more affordable choice, plus you could potentially justify it as work-related (like “look at us, testing out the experience that we aim for our guests to have!”). I think it would come across as much more out of touch if it were not a Disney employee.

        1. Lellow*

          I think you’ve misunderstood – this is potentially more of a UK expression, but “a Mickey Mouse X” means something that’s functionally useless (and usually exists only to make money for the people selling it).

          1. Lellow*

            I’ve just done a little digging because I was curious about the etymology myself – apparently the term as a pejorative started in the 70s in the time after Walt Disney’s death when the Disney company was putting out a lot of cheap tat of ever decreasing quality while still relying on the goodwill of the Disney name. A notable example was apparently a wristwatch featuring Mickey which was very expensive but hilariously low quality.

          2. KatCardigans*

            Oh! No, I’ve never heard that before. Not sure if that’s a US/UK difference or just my circle (I’m in education, and wording that’s common in business is not always common here). Thanks for explaining!

          3. AnonymousOctopus*

            It also seems more popular in the military, at least Boomer-aged military. My parents were both and call things “Mickey Mouse operations” not infrequently! I actually had to work to remove it from my vocab since my fellow Americans had no idea what I meant.

            1. Parakeet*

              This is funny – I’m neither Boomer-aged nor military, and I live in the US, but I’m familiar with the expression, and I have no idea how I learned it! However, one thing it makes me think of is the brilliant, poignant scene at the end of Full Metal Jacket where the soldiers are singing the Mickey Mouse Club song, with the scene (as I interpret it anyway) commenting on both the mickey mouse nature of the war, the idea that the soldiers are still expected to hold their figurative banners high, and how young the soldiers are that this is their choice of song. The fact that Boomer military would know it makes me wonder if there’s a connection there. Either to the movie, or the movie getting it from something that would really happen.

            2. Doreen*

              Boomer age Americans like me would understand it – I think it’s more of a generational thing than a US/UK thing

              3. Lellow*

                You particularly hear it in the UK right now because the governments for the last couple of decades have been all-in in trying to defund universities from being able to teach courses for what they and the papers call “Mickey Mouse degrees”, by which they mean non-STEM ones.

          4. COHikerGirl*

            US, not a Boomer (elder Millennial), not military (though some in my family is) and I know the phrase!

            It’s always interesting to see how and where certain slang terms are used!

    6. Totally Minnie*

      Forcing your staff to watch your vacation slideshow in a mandatory meeting is douchebag behavior all on its own, but to do it when you’ve just announced cuts and your employees are struggling is on its own extra level.

      1. Anonym*

        Yeah. You could pay me double my salary in bonus and it would still be bizarre to think I want to see your holiday pics. Deeply, deeply strange.

    7. JFC*

      Our top executive routinely shares photos of her international travels with her husband, usually to exotic resorts, ski lodges, etc. It’s not in the all-hands meeting, although it is on social media and employee newsletters. Our company is not in as bad of a financial shape, but things could certainly be better, and it does feel pretty ignorant on our exec’s part.

    8. Former Usher*

      Years ago our director started our department meeting by talking about his vacation, how nice his vacation home is, blah, blah, blah on the same day I was notified that my pay was cut 30% and others were laid off.

    9. Aggretsuko*

      At my old job, the 2nd in command showed his vacation snaps from Europe for like a half hour in a massive all staff meeting. I note this is an industry where most of us can’t go on vacation in the summer. They sent out a survey (an actual anonymous one) afterwards and I actually did write down how that came off to us poor plebes. The guy never did it again because he retired.

    10. mango chiffon*

      The admin team at my org once got “treated” to lunch with our entire executive team on administrative professionals day. Our president talked about his plans to spend a month in Italy with 2 weeks of vacation and 2 weeks of remote work, and then asked the rest of us to talk about our summer plans. All of the admins were like “we don’t have plans” or “we might take a few days off to drive somewhere close” and anyway what an awkward lunch “in our honor”

    11. T.G.I.F.*

      After our recent merger our new-to-us CEO announced, during a town hall meeting, that his long-time head of HR was retiring to her newly built house in the Hamptons. She BUILT a house in the Hamptons and he said this as though it was an every day thing that all of us could relate to. At that point the merger had already resulted in thousands of layoffs with more on the way, but that comment old us all we need to know about him.

    12. COHikerGirl*

      At a previous company, we just had a round of layoffs. Brand new CEO. We had a company meeting to address the layoffs. The brand new CEO joined remotely. From his car. At a golf course.

      The most recent Glassdoor reviews of that company are wild. This was mentioned in at least one of them.

    13. Zombeyonce*

      Alison, we need a post of people telling stories about how out-of-touch the leadership is at their company. These stories are amazing!

  4. Denny O.*

    I still remember our all staff virtual (required) meeting in 2021. It was informative and also “fun”. The fun part, six slides presentations of various locations. Each presented by a senior manager. Of course, they either visited the place or were from there! #1 definitely hits close to home.

    1. D*

      One executive introduced himself by telling us the fun fact that his ten year old daughter had been to more than 30 countries already.

      The relatable factor failed. Just don’t do the introduction slides if they’re going to look like this.

      1. Hornswoggler*

        Jeez – I’d be so tempted to reply “My god – your carbon footprint must be catastrophic!”

        1. amoeba*

          Haha, yes, this would very much be my first reaction! Like, keep up, it’s 2025, bragging about how much you fly isn’t really a cool thing to do anymore…

        3. boof*

          Yes I have such mixed feels about espousing travel as something enlightening/part of being a well rounded human being – I think it’s pretty much a luxury? It helps that I kind of just find it stressful haha. But I understand the merits too just don’t look down on anyone who can’t/doesn’t.
          … I mostly stick to travel for academic conferences, I do bring the fam though. Once every few years to visit friends.

          1. Sacred Ground*

            But travel is enlightening though. I have known people in the US who have never been more than a hundred miles from home, including people with education and skills. And not one of them I would describe as particularly enlightened or well-rounded.

      1. Denny O.*

        True! However, they were able to fly back any time. One of them actually had a cousin who was VP of a small country!

    3. Sloanicota*

      Yeah I wonder if this is coming from the “be human” / “be vulnerable” type advice, like lead with something personal before you start presenting, but tragically misapplied because their lives have so little in common with the average person anymore. Big “potato concierge” energy (30 Rock reference).

      1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        I was thinking of the 30Rock episode where Tracey’s comedy is falling flat because he’s making jokes only wealthy people would get and he goes out on the street trying to randomly befriend people in an effort to be normal.

  5. AnneCordelia*

    Ha ha, only budget cuts, and only Disney World? That’s tame. My husband’s boss shared photos of her family’s cruise to Antarctica, at an all-staff meeting, not long after a major staff layoff. So more like an all-that-was-left staff meeting. When she saw the looks that she was getting, she tried to backpedal and said how it was a “once in a lifetime” trip.

    1. Ugh*

      Staff at our annual all-hands annual celebration got to see photos from the CEO’s African safari and listen as he attempted to make it about our org being like the different animals.

      He and the EVPs take home huge salaries and bonuses every year. The rank-and-file haven’t had more than a 1-2% raise in well over 10 years. (CEO and EVPs like to point out they haven’t taken raises in many of those years. I mean, when you already have a half million dollar salary and another half million in bonuses, a raise probably doesn’t really even register for you.)

    2. Frosty*

      I just can’t imagine a boss sharing photos of their vacation at all. I’m thankful I’ve never experienced that… there is no scenario where I want to see that! I don’t even want to see photos of a work-related trip until its something very specific (a product, machinery, the people we will be working with etc.)

      Totally offensive to do it after layoffs!!

    3. Box of Rain*

      The “all that-was-left staff meeting” is a phrase I’m stealing for use later.

      Reminds me of the coworker I have who calls our IT Help Desk “the Helpless Desk.” lol

      1. In the provinces*

        Life in academia offers many other examples: “The Academic Lack of Support Center,” “Business Dis-services,” for instance.

    4. JMC*

      CEO’s have proven time and again that they do not care about the “little people” under them. They make millions while we barely survive. It’s everywhere.

      1. Sacred Ground*

        And yet, when they demonstrate it, when they show us yet again that they do NOT give two hoots about any of us, we’re surprised by this. Every time.

    5. MCL*

      Yeah one of my good friends was at a company where they were without raises or pay adjustments for 2-3 years, and then the big boss showed off photos of their new yacht. NICE. My friend immediately ramped up her job search (she was already starting to look) and has a much better thing going now.

      1. StephChi*

        After reading all of the comments I’ve read so far, and especially ones like yours, it amazes me that there aren’t guillotines set up in every city center. Obviously, I jest, but really, it was ordinary people who were struggling to pay for basic needs seeing how the rich and powerful were benefitting from their labor which caused the French and Bolshevik Revolutions.

        I’m a teacher in a very large public school district, so I don’t have to deal with CEOs who make insane amounts of money, but we are certainly affected by the fact that the rich people in this state are so greedy that a recent effort to make our state income tax less regressive failed miserably. Not to mention that we’re constantly being told that there’s no money, but no one ever considers taxing the rich just a little bit more so that we wouldn’t be in a constant budget emergency.

    6. el l*

      The more interesting question with #1 is, was this a one time lapse in judgment? Or a wider pattern that just hasn’t been seen yet? Honest question.

    7. 2 Cents*

      Our CMO at the time told us how arduous the renovations at his second home in the Berkshires were during a time of staff layoffs.

  7. Artemesia*

    I love to travel, to talk about travel and share my pictures of travel — and am well aware how boring this is to people who don’t share the passion or have the opportunity to do this. We used to have a dinner party where we would just invite fellow travelers (hmmm) to bring their photos on a data stick and we would set the TV up to have revolving slide shows of everyone’s recent travels — and it was great fun during cocktails to look at them and then share anecdotes at dinner. Other people really really don’t want to hear it.

    To actually show pictures to the worker bees when you are a manager and paid enough to travel and supervise people who really are not, is a level of insensitive that is stunning.

    2. Dido*

      I travel a lot and still have 0 interest in seeing other people’s vacation photos, especially something as basic as DISNEYLAND, where almost everyone has been or at least seen thousands of pictures of already

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Disney photos bore the heck out of me, as do selfies of someone in front of a famous landmark or beautiful scenery. If you’re in front of beautiful scenery, maybe share a photo of the beautiful scenery and leave your face out of it? I’m fine with one or two photos of you in front of the scenery, but selfies really annoy me because it’s usually a photo of a weirdly distorted face (did you know the selfie function on a phone is a wide-angle shot and that’s why your face usually appears wider in them?) taking up half or more of the photo and a tiny corner of beautiful scenery.

        I do like to see some travel photos from people, because I like to hear about people’s vacations, but I don’t need a photo dump of 75 photos a day, thanks.

        #yesimagrump

        1. I Have RBF*

          My father was an avid shutterbug. He took tons of slides. When he died, my stepmother took every slide that did not have a person in it and threw them out. I had wanted all of that scenic stuff, but I couldn’t care less about the pictures of people. I was upset. She didn’t even ask. She also got everything as the surviving spouse. She sold their house. Then she got remarried a year later. My sister and I got bupkis, because my dad didn’t think he needed a will.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        I had a dear friend go to Iceland and show me all her vacation photos, and they were gorgeous! It’s just such an unusual landscape with the glaciers and the volcanic activity. It seemed like somewhere I’d want to visit. Then a few months later, my parents went to Iceland and showed me *all* their vacation photos, and I’m like, “That’s really cool. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.”

        A month after that I’m somehow stuck for 45 minutes watching while my parents’ friends show my parents vacation photos from *their* once-in-a-lifetime trip to… yes, Iceland, and I’m just wondering where the snacks are.

    3. Wingo Staww*

      Travel is a privilege not available to everyone – many would be passionate about travel if they had the means to. If someone is struggling financially or digging themselves out of debt, it can be very painful to see others showing off their trips. I don’t think it’s necessarily “boring” (I love to see pics from friends’ trips) it’s just not appropriate in certain environments.

      We do have a slack channel in my company where people share a photo or two of their vacations. The tone is always “sharing joy” rather than “showing off.”

      1. boof*

        I mean, just about everything is potentially a privilege / something someone else wants but can’t have. That being said leadership does have to be pretty careful how they present themselves and definitely should try to keep the focus on their audience not themselves.

        1. Observer*

          I mean, just about everything is potentially a privilege / something someone else wants but can’t have.

          True. But some things more so than others. And also, leadership should be broadly sensitive about this kind of thing. Not just in relation to travel.

          1. Bear in the Sky*

            Especially when leadership controls the employees having the privilege of travel, or not having it, by deciding how much to pay them.

    4. Meaningful hats*

      I enjoy traveling and hearing people’s travel stories and seeing their pictures. I don’t need to see 500 selfies but a few photos of your view from a famous landmark or your kid building sandcastles on the beach is great. I like hearing about places I’ve never been and swapping stories with people who have been to the same places as me but had different experiences.

    5. Carly*

      Having a share-pics-of-your-trip dinner party is really cute. And it probably saves less affluent friends from the resentment that can come from being awkwardly shown the pictures un prompted! Great solution, sounds like a super fun night

  8. Bluz*

    #2. Oh gosh. This situation happened at work where one of my colleagues was on a PIP and kept complimenting everyone about how they were so great in training him and how much he was learning. It honestly felt fake since I think he knew he wasn’t keeping up with the tasks at hand and was trying to butter people up. I was training him and it was obvious that his skills weren’t up to par even though he stated he had the experience. I think the icing on the cake was when we had our all-staff meeting and we have shout-outs you can give to your colleagues which are displayed in the zoom presentation. He wrote this huge, flowery shout-out to my manager about how they were so great and how appreciate he was for the training. Knowing what I knew it felt very cringy and was like a desperate attempt to be part of the team. Need less to say I was not surprised he was let go.

    1. TQB*

      Yes! Same happened here. We hired a person who was really all sparkle and no substance from day 1. It takes a special kind of person to give vociferous compliments to people on a project that they were too incompetent to be asked to assist with.

    2. iglwif*

      Oh gosh, that reminds me of someone whose grandboss I was several jobs ago. Who was still in their 6-month probationary period, was absolutely not picking up the job as quickly as they needed to, and nominated their manager (who genuinely was doing his best) for one of the company’s internal awards for “doing such a good job training me”. (They ended up getting let go. It sucked, but was definitely necessary.)

  9. nnn*

    Wasn’t there a letter recently about a manager asking “permission” to require their employee with whom they shared a first name to go by their last name?

    I wonder if #4 is that employee?

  10. cncx*

    I still remember the sting after getting a bonus cut across the board (not for performance, the whole company) and seeing the flight itinerary of a senior manager I really liked (who was a good guy and a good manager!) who was taking the whole family in first, not business, to Mauritius. And I liked him. And it was an accident. I can’t imagine being told about it in a meeting.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I remember the post on here in which the new CEO tried to bond with his new employees by presenting a slide show at a town hall meeting featuring his hobby vineyard and how he understood about hard work by caring for his horses.

      Unsurprisingly it was not a success. And the wine was awful.

  11. Hair in my soup*

    #2 Is making me wonder why the person was hired in the first place considering OP said the position was “not entry level” and that “they don’t have much in the way of skills yet in the position”.

    1. LadyAmalthea*

      I am going to guess they used the type of compliment language really well in the interview and it worked. I’ve worked with enough people who’ve used buzzwords instead of competence to get by for far longer than reasonable.

    3. Myrin*

      I understood that as “they should’ve learned some new skills which come with this position by now but they haven’t”.

      1. Great Frogs of Literature*

        Yeah, there are plenty of positions that come with a general skillset and a specific one. You might hire an experienced software developer and expect them to learn Ruby on the job — that’s something a mid-level developer is usually capable of doing. But this person had made very little progress learning Ruby, and also they’re failing at general team/office skills, too.

      1. spcepickle*

        I am with you – bad hires happen. Cut your loss as soon as your are sure it is a bad hire and fire them. I want to train people, I want to be kind, but stringing them along for months on a PIP does not serve anyone.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          Does a PIP have to be for months? It seems like a manager should be able to end *most* PIPs after a couple of weeks if there’s no sign of improvement.

          In this example, I would want to see sustained improvement from the employee for months, but if they still aren’t answering emails or showing up for meetings in the two weeks after being told they’ll be fired if they don’t, I don’t think they’re going to improve.

    5. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      We had a hire who my boss thought was going to be a superstar because he interviewed so well. He was not a superstar, more like a black hole.

      1. Turquoisecow*

        I had a coworker who interviewed extremely well but was terrible at the job. She actually interviewed for a related department which was much more basic data entry and the boss referred her to my boss (of a slightly more advanced and knowledge-required data entry department) because she thought she would be bored in the basic department as she was too smart and knowledgeable. My boss was blown away. She claimed she headed a department of like 30 people and was laid off due to ageism and budget cuts and so came to us in desperation.

        She was horrible. She did basic data entry okay but slooooowly because she triple checked every single entry she made. Any time she had to make a decision she would ask someone else or make the wrong decision. She didn’t trust the spreadsheet to do calculations so she’d check it on paper. She took excessive but pointless notes. And each time we complained, boss would just shake his head because apparently she was amazing in the interview.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          So she’s diligent, pays extremely close attention to detail, makes sure to catch any errors or typos, and always takes copious notes? Sounds like just the person we need for this role! /s

          This is an example of why many traits that people think sound good in interviews (e.g. “I’m such a perfectionist, I always triple-check my work!”) are actually terrible on the job.

    6. Totally Minnie*

      As someone who’s been involved in hiring, quite a lot of people can manage to act like they’re more knowledgeable than they are for the space of a 45 minute job interview, but when they’re expected to be that knowledgeable for 40 hours a week, things sometimes go downhill.

      1. MassMatt*

        Yes, people absolutely can BS their way through an interview, but 1) this person seems to lack the interpersonal skills and awareness to do that, and b) this is why you check employment history and references. No process is completely foolproof but you can try to avoid these sorts of hires. Think how much this bad hire is costing!

    8. Riley*

      It’s actually pretty common to hire for aptitude, especially when an exact skills match is not available for whatever reason. As long as the person has the right background to learn the job, they are considered a good fit. Think of it as having a role to take derivatives, but you can’t find anyone knows derivatives really well. So you hire someone with a strong background in algebra and trigonometry, then you teach them how to do derivatives on the job. Companies that encourage growth mindset frequently hire this way.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      I took it as “their resume suggested they did have the skills, they interviewed well, but turns out, they suck”.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I think we’d all be better off if more managers accepted that as an occupational risk and moved quickly to fire their bad hires. Some managers are so in denial that they could have made a hiring mistake that they’ll let the bad hire stay forever.

  12. La*

    agree.
    What I find particularly tone deaf is the poor mouthing about expenses…and then either telling and/or showing examples of said expenses, most of which are either significantly more expensive for your less well paid employees and/or objectively not necessities by any stretch of the imagination.

    Actually, what I think is even more tone deaf and offensive is telling people to buy expensive things because they are better and criticizing people for not managing their money better so they can have these and other things.

    1. MassMatt*

      “Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor”

      –James Baldwin

      1. MigraineMonth*

        “The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money. Take boots, for example. … A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. … But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while a poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

        “This was the Captain Samuel Vimes ‘Boots’ theory of socio-economic unfairness.”
        —Men at Arms by Terry Pratchett

  13. Emmy Noether*

    #2 made me think about what are the general unspoken rules around praise and compliments about work at work. It seems to me that:

    1) compliments/praise should be true and adressed to the deserving person
    2) flowing down the hierarchy is almost always appropriate
    3) someone leading a project can praise contributions to the project
    4) more generally, if you asked someone to complete a task for you, you can praise the execution of said task
    5) you can compliment colleagues’ projects that are presented to you, but have to be careful to not come off condescending or otherwise tone deaf
    6) complimenting up the hierarchy is tricky. Appropriate when feedback is explicitly sought, and/or pertaining specifically to their leadership of you. Better in private than public.

    The new hire in the letter is failing at the nuance required for 5 and 6 specifically.

    For context, I’m from a very low-praise culture. We have a saying that roughly translates to “no criticism is enough praise”, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard my direct manager praise anybody in public. Praise is therefore very valuable and appreciated, but it also makes misplaced praise stand out even more.

    The US is a high-praise culture, so the rules probably allow for more of it in all directions? Or not? What are your impressions of what the rules are or should be?

    1. Nebula*

      This compliment/praise thing is timely for me, because at the end of a one-on-one meeting yesterday, I complimented the work the person I was meeting had done on a particular project and I think I misjudged it. My intention was just to compliment her in a peer-to-peer way – she’s way further ahead on the work than other people and what she’s done is really good – but I think this falls into 5 on your list there: it came across as condescending. She thanked me but seemed a bit surprised/odd and I think it was because it seemed like I was taking a position of being above her? Ah well, these things can be so hard to judge.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        Some people are also just really awkward at accepting compliments. Obviously I can’t know for your case, but since it was not in front of other people and just once, I’d say that’s a strong possibility. Unexpected praise can throw people off in the moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s not appreciated.

        The people who try to use praise to assert dominance most often do it publicly and repeatedly.

        1. Sacred Ground*

          “Some people are also just really awkward at accepting compliments.”

          This right here. It’s hard to have hard and fast rules because everyone accepts praise differently. Even if you’re doing it right, some of us just can’t hear it without feeling weird.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m in Ireland so again, the culture might be different but I feel it’s generally OK to compliment those above you in the hierarchy but…the phrasing and what you compliment them for would be different.

      Telling your boss, “I was really impressed by your presentation. Well done” could come across as patronising and could sound like you are evaluating their work, but “I found your presentation really clear and helpful. Thanks” strikes me as perfectly appropriate.

      I think it’s hard to make rules for because some of it is in tone and context and I guess that is why some people struggle with it. Like you said, the issue is in the nuance.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        I agree with your example. Phrasing it as thanks is probably a good way to have it be received well.

      2. TooTiredToThink*

        As an American – yes, this. Emmy’s list is rather accurate to my experience as well. The only caveat I would make is that praising of a superior in “public” can also be appropriate. Whether that’s to a 3rd party (I’m a project manager/team lead and there are times when I will talk up a manager’s strengths to one of my team members who are feeling a bit frustrated because they don’t have the full picture), or even telling a manager – in front of others – something like “Your awesome, thanks!” or similar. Something like “Well done” would be absolutely inappropriate flowing upwards.

        The one thing missing; is if you are complimenting a person for a specific task, you (almost) always want to CC their manager as well if sending it via email.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Ah, see, there’s a cultural difference I think. Telling a superior they are awesome in front of others will almost certainly get you perceived as a sycophant here. Most I can imagine is a “so glad to have YOU!” after some particularly tricky situation that they saved.

          Praising someone to their manager is probably globally appreciated, on the other hand.

        2. DJ Abbott*

          The examples of “you’re awesome” and “well done” come off as patronizing to me. They would be appropriate from manager to employee, not employee to manager.
          To compliment a manager I like to go with thank you’s. “You were a big help on this, thanks!” “Thanks for your help, it makes a difference!” Etc.
          Sometimes when they suggest something I hadn’t thought of, I spontaneously say “great idea!” That could also come off as patronizing but luckily so far, they seem to understand it’s a compliment.

          2. Great Frogs of Literature*

            Yeah, I think (in the US, at least the part of it that I’m in) compliments to one’s manager should fall into one of two (three?) categories:

            – Something that boils down to gratitude (“I appreciate how you X,” Thanks for being so clear about Y,”) and even kind of indirect gratitude, like if they’re reviewing your work and see an error that would be a problem if it hadn’t been changed (“Thanks, great catch,” which in some instances can even work omitting the explicit “Thanks” — though that last can get dicey, depending on situation).

            – Praise that is intended to highlight something they’re doing well to higher-ups (“Jane really saved us by figuring out what was going on with that weird networking problem” or “Tom has done a great job of keeping everyone on track for the project and making sure we get all the information we need.”)

            – There’s maybe a third category that’s just plain old admiration/perhaps with an undertone of “I would like to be more like that,” and I’ve seen it work fine in some circumstances, but I think this is the one that’s most likely to fall INCREDIBLY BADLY if you do it wrong. (“I, a junior engineer, am praising my grandboss for a basic task that she’s been doing successfully for twenty or thirty years” will come across as some sort of weird power play, or like you consider yourself equal/higher in the hierarchy to someone who massively outranks you in both the org chart and experience, and have no understanding of your relative skill levels.)

            1. iglwif*

              The most successful way I’ve seen people deploy that third category is “I want to be [you | person’s name] when I grow up!”

              Which I’m guessing works because it’s acknowledging that the other person has more seniority and experience and expressing your desire to be like them one day?

          3. Anonym*

            I find that specificity makes compliments credible and well received in almost all situations. As long as you’re not praising for something that should be really basic in the person’s role, but instead something that stands out. Bonus if you can spell out a concrete impact.

            So, “You’re awesome!” can land weirdly or patronizingly, but “That was really clear and precise (or other specific attribute), thanks. I’ll be able to do X more easily now.” seems to work well across hierarchy. Or just skipping the praise/description and jumping right to the positive impact – that communicates the appreciation without getting too personal or subjective. (One might argue that’s not a compliment, but it can have the same goal and outcome.)

    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Ahhhhh, your “no criticism is enough praise” clears up so much to me! My dad is from your country (which I think you’ve mentioned in comments on other posts) and he is so stingy with compliments it sometimes makes me crazy. If I cook dinner and he likes it he’ll say, “You can eat it,” which he assures me is a compliment but sure doesn’t sound like one to my American ears. I’ve learned to accept it as one, though.

      I had a music teacher in college who was from a town about 50k from where my dad grew up who was equally stingy with compliments. I once told him that the good thing about having him as a teacher was that I was far more nervous playing for him alone in lessons than I was performing in public for a room full of strangers, friends, and family and therefore didn’t wasn’t at all afraid to perform. (I can’t believe I had the guts to say that to him, but what can I say, I was young and dumb!)

      Anyway, I like your rules of compliments. I did have a higher-up at my last job who gave the most hollow of hollow compliments to me and my team even while she complained about us to her bosses, and she would compliment us on a job well done even when she hadn’t a clue what we were doing. It was maddening because she was obviously devious and out to get me, so her hollow compliments were her way of trying to win me over and it didn’t work at all. I am so glad to no longer be working with her, ugh. My point, I guess, is that hollow compliments will usually make the receiver of said compliments even more uncomfortable than your average compliment will.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        Haha, “you can eat it”, or more generally “you can leave it like that” (i.e. no changes needed) is high praise. Is he from south-western Germany by chance? It’s the most extreme there.

        It’s almost a type of irony – in the same way that exaggerated compliments can read as sarcastic, the extreme understatement is supposed to flip it into high praise. There’s an art to it though, and it translates very badly cross-culturally.

      2. Jenesis*

        It’s certainly a cultural thing! Where I come from, that would be known as “damning with faint praise” and an indication that you didn’t actually have anything good to say about the food, but also didn’t want to overtly insult the host.

        The point about hollowness is a good one, and is probably why “you’re awesome!” lands more poorly with many people than a specific expression of gratitude/admiration for a task they did, because the latter shows that the person is actually paying attention instead of fishing for attention. It’s the work equivalent of the difference between “your… eyes… are so gorgeous!” vs “I love the blending on your eyeshadow, I wish I had the skills to pull that off.”

    4. merida*

      This makes me feel so validated that lots of people here are confirming how nuanced and complicated the politics are about complimenting colleagues’ work! I think about this a lot because I have always feared accidently coming across like the person in #2. Eeek.

      The cultural considerations make this really fascinating. I’m in the US and while I really agree with all of your etiquette, I also would add that casually praising peers in private I think goes a very long way in creating positive working relationships. I’m thinking of simple things like mentioning in conversation (not in public or in a meeting) “hey, Jane, I saw your final report the other day and the udpdates you made were so helpful. Thanks for putting that together!” or “I saw your project in the hallway and even though I’m not involved in that work, just wanted to say I think it’s so cool because I know the work is really important because of X.” I wouldn’t be super flowery or gushy like the person in #2, but I want my colleagues to know that I see and appreciate the work they do. It’s a hard line to walk though. I wonder if low-praise cultures still have this kind of casual, private praise at work?

      Related to heirarchy/#6: Recent example: my boss is the president of our company. I had to collaborate with her on a big project, and when she sent me her portion of her work, I sat there for a moment trying to write a response that was positive but hopefully not obnoxiously patronizing, given the power dynamics. The project looked great and I wanted to reassure her of that, mainly since I knew she was apprehensive because the project involved her public speaking, which she said she was nervous about. I went with a simple “Looks great, thank you!” That felt more like a positive statement and less patronizing than direct praise would be (“way to go!” “you did great!”). And when we talked later about it in person in a private meeting and she mentioned she’d been nervous, I assured her she didn’t look nervous, the speaking was great, etc. (Which was all true praise, just for the record! The awkward part about giving any kind of praise or positivity up the chain of command is that I’m not sure if they’d believe me or if they’d assume I’m trying to suck up.)

    5. Sacred Ground*

      I would amend #3 to include anyone on a project can praise anyone else’s work on a project, assuming the work is especially praiseworthy. Sometimes praise from peers, assuming it’s genuine and deserved, feels more genuine and deserved. (Speaking as someone whose imposter syndrome makes hearing praise especially fraught.)

  14. English Rose*

    #4 I can understand this feels a bit odd. In our team we have three people with the same first name, including the boss. In conversations about them or addressing them if we’re all on the same Zoom call, we all refer to Cassandra P, Cassandra J and Cassandra D. That works fine and feels practical and less peculiar than the last name, which has kind of boy’s school vibes to me (“Smith, bring your homework up to the front of the class!”).

    1. Not The Earliest Bird*

      We have a similar situation, twice over. In one case, we call them by last names, the other we do Paul G and Paul T (for example). My spouse also has the same name, so I refer to spouse as “My Paul” to qualify.

    2. Consonance*

      I recently had to distinguish between two people on an email chain, so went with the First Name Last Initial thing. And then, in-person, casually apologized for turning work into first grade. We all agreed it was slightly funny and also just what we do when we share names.

    3. Jaina Solo*

      We’ve had this too! Some people were fine with us using their last name or we used initials. So like if there were multiple Lauras but I was referring to Laura Holt in email, writing, or video call I might say “LH provided that project update last week.” It didn’t seem to matter to the same-name crowd since there were options. Personally, I just say a person’s full name when I can to differentiate but if you don’t do that, there’s still options to do it an keep it within the person’s comfort zone.

    4. Budgieman-y*

      I have a very common name for guys my age, so right through school and work there has always been 2 or 3 others in my team… let alone elsewhere… in one job there were 5 of us.
      By the time I was 10 my single-syllable last name had a “y” put on the end of it as a nickname (I’m Australian) and that distinguished me from the others who had the audacity to steal my name. Bizarrely that nickname has followed me thoughout my life, even though there have been places of employment that have been totally unrelated.
      It does get interesting when I am with my now adult children and somebody calls that name… none of us know which to respond, because we have all had the same thing happen.
      My current boss and I share a first name, and it makes life so much easier that he uses the shortened version of that, and I use my lengthened last name nickname.
      All this is to say that you can fight it or own it. If you don’t like your last name being used as an identifier because you think it is disrespectful, come up with an alternative, because I don’t think this is worth fighting.

    5. I own one tenacious plant*

      For some reason people in different areas of my life have either called me by my full first and last name or randomly decided to address me by my surname only. In both cases I think it’s a sign of familiarity or affection. But the last name thing hasn’t happened in a work context so I’m not sure how I’d feel about that.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I work on a small team of around 8 people, and myself and a co-worker share the same first name. She is a much higher grade than I, e.g. she is one of the top managers whilst I am the newest (lowest) admin.

      If I’m in the room and people are saying ‘Polly said she’d arrange so-and-so’ there’s usually a little pause before the person then says ‘oh, not, you! The other Polly!’. It’s usually obvious which of us is being referenced due to our very different roles in the company, it must be quite confusing in companies where the roles are very similar.

      ‘The other Polly’ and I have taken to calling each other names that are completely different to our actual names (more as a joke than anything), but it hasn’t caught on with our colleagues.

  16. Clearlier*

    #1 sounds a bit like the time our COO did a town hall at our call centre. When asked for advice on how manage work/life balance he said that when he was abroad he liked to fly his family out on his private jet to spend time with him. Cue awkward silence!

    3. Insert Clever Name Here*

      When extolling the virtues of flexible seating areas that would be available after an office update, a VP said “it’s really nice to be able to take my iPad and work not at my desk.” My coworker raised her hand during Q&A and said “When will we be issued the iPads? I know we are all looking forward to that since most of our laptops won’t stay charged for more than 30 minutes.”

      I’m not saying that it’s related, but all of us got new laptops within the next year. Also that coworker is now in upper management at our company :)

  17. Alicent*

    #1: I’m so sorry, but not surprised at all. I worked at a highly dysfunctional university that should have lost its accreditation (it didn’t for political reasons and never actually fixed any of the issues from their last inspection despite making press releases about their new facility groundbreaking that was never built). The dean was a major problem and during one all-staff meeting he gave a 20 minute PowerPoint about his daughter’s unrelated career move. Literally 10 slides of pictures of her and her new company that has absolutely nothing to do with ANYTHING at the university while he bragged on and on. This same dean bullied employees making minimum wage full time in a very poor area to donate to the university and implied their jobs were at risk if they didn’t. It was just another symptom of the dysfunction there.

    1. I can see you*

      Was it university of the arts by chance? (Look they don’t exist anymore because of their own financial malfeasance so I feel like we can dox them to high heaven).

    2. NotRealAnonForThis*

      Even at the University I was employed by, upper Management (director of department level) tended to be…just…clueless.

      Director: “How come nobody has volunteered for O/T?”
      My subdepartment manager (who was a totally awesome manager btw): “They all have second jobs. Because our payscale is at least ten years behind reality.”
      Director: “But O/T would help with that”
      SM: “But its last minute and sporadic and not guaranteed.”
      Director: “But don’t our amazing benefits (note that they WERE actually amazing, this was not Director Hyperbole) offset that?”
      SM: “No, not really. Benefits don’t pay the actual bills.”
      Director: “Where are these second jobs?” (because he’s completely flabbergasted over all of this)
      SM: “Every fast food joint along the main exit into town pays at least the same that we do, and we require a degree and experience.”

      I have no idea if the payscale has come into any form of reality. The benefits were in fact spectacular. However, the fact that I was eligible for up to 12 months of partially paid maternity leave should I have children did not in fact make up for the fact that my pay was so low that the only reason I didn’t qualify for Section 8 housing was that I had a roommate who worked in a better paid department. Sure, I didn’t have to pay through the nose for health insurance (but being honest, did anyone pay like that in the late 90s for employer sponsored insurance?) which did save me one expense. But overall, our submanager spent a lot of time making sure we were all ready for non-University jobs where we’d be compensated well for our skills and knowledge.

    3. Artemesia*

      I understand the boss’s vacation photos (it is in appropriate, but I understand it); there is no scenario in which I can imagine a presentation about my adult child’s career would make any sense at all. Even in the most poorly run college.

  18. Lola*

    #2 – I wouldn’t respond with “Thanks, I appreciate that”. They’re already struggling with social cues, and that phrase may reinforce that complimenting is the way to go! I’d do what other coworkers are doing, barely responding – just answer “Okay” and change the subject.

    1. Frosty*

      I agree – from the letter I’m not sure if this employee has been told that the compliments aren’t “landing” well. I realize there are other issues with the employee, and it might feel like piling on more criticism, but it would likely be helpful to tell them that the compliments aren’t being received well.

      The dynamic is unknown but it sounds to me like someone that is aware they aren’t doing well and is trying to get a foothold on the social aspect.

    2. Tio*

      The only problem with this is that if other people aren’t aware of the dynamic, you could come off very cold if you treat them like that without context. Around the other employees who are used to the behavior, that might be totally fine, but in other settings you don’t want people to wonder why you’re blowing an employee off.

    3. Riley*

      If the problem is that they struggle with social cues, they are not going to pick up that you are blowing them off.
      Plus, two wrongs just make a wrong. You are responsible for how you act at all times, and treating coworkers coldly is not acceptable.

    4. Saturday*

      Just responding “okay” to a compliment would be modeling some weird behavior though. I think a quick thanks would be much better.

    5. fhqwhgads*

      It’d also make me feel icky because it’s somehow…confirming he has any idea what he’s talking about, in a situation where the recipient probably knows he doesn’t.

  19. Not That Kind of Doctor*

    We had a similar incident to #1 in which the head of the division sent an email follow-up after a round of layoffs and attached pictures from his recent vacation on the theory that we’d all feel better for looking at something nice. My unit wasn’t particularly affected by the layoffs, but the news wasn’t exactly great for morale and the pictures generated a lot of bad feeling.

    Reportedly, my notoriously frank boss told the sender in no uncertain terms to never do anything like that again.

  20. Honey Badger*

    I don’t see the over-complimenting employee as trying to be anything but ingratiating as he knows his job is at risk.

    I would just answer with “noted” and move on. Don’t thank behavior you want to extinguish.

    1. fhqwhgads*

      Yeah, regardless of dude’s motivation, if a person I know is incompetent compliments my work, my internal reaction is “you have no idea if it’s good or not”. So I’d probably have a rough time going with “thank you” – but that’s a me-problem. I understand the rec to say the thing that ends the conversation as long as it’s polite, but I’d feel so disingenuous. I’d probably try a pivot to another subject.

  21. BadBosses*

    I work for a large public institution in NYC

    My former boss would often say things that belied their clueless privilege so much that I sometimes wondered if they heard themselves.

    This was after they delayed promised raises and promotions indefinitely, so it comes across even worse.

    Some examples

    – during Covid they would talk about how nice it was to work outside… and make sure to take time to work outside…. And talk about how she loved to take meetings from her pool. Alison if you’ve ever been to NYC, private outdoor space is very much not a common thing.

    -they talked about how much fun it was to use their private ski chalet and how they invited people from a different department to enjoy.

    – not me, but a colleague wasn’t able to work from home on a particular day to get their heat fixed in the middle of winter because Boss wanted to go meet friends for breakfast so they needed the office covered. Said colleague had a new baby at home. When the colleague offered to take the day off instead, Boss threatened they would make them RTO the maximum number of days weekly if they didn’t come in.

    -when a colleague left early because someone was outside the building shouting how he hated people from various ethnic groups, the boss admonished them because not just their ethnic group was being threatened. (Boss of course, was white… who always left early to ‘beat the traffic’).

    1. Observer*

      he boss admonished them because not just their ethnic group was being threatened.

      That doesn’t even make sense. I mean *all* of this is awful. But this piece is not just awful it’s about as logical and coherent as the dream an imaginative 5 year old might be telling you about at breakfast. Maybe even less coherent. Because even 5 years tend to be able to get from here to there, even if it does require running from dragons and jumping over houses.

    2. iglwif*

      All of this is awful.

      I wonder if, like, a certain level of money and privilege kind of turns off your perspective-taking ability? Or do they just forget / never realize how different their lives are from normal people’s?

  22. Laggy Lu*

    #4 at my last job, there were at one point 3 Doug’s, and 4 Lauren’s. We just got in the habit of referring to them as FirstName FirstLetter of Last Name. So Doug P or Lauren S. It worked for us.
    As an aside, at some point with the Doug’s we also referred to them as Doug The First, Second and Third. Even when Doug the First Left, Second and Third kept their unofficial titles.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      Yeah, I think (to keep the example names from the answer) if the OP is okay with going by Lucien M., they can ask their boss “hey, please refer to me as Lucien M. instead of as Mackelberry.” That way there’s still a distinction that all of the coworkers can latch on to when they are discussing one of the two Luciens (or both of them).

    2. Polaris*

      At a previous job, out of the small number of women (under ten in an office of about sixty people), there were three duplicate name pairs. Those women were referred to as “First Name Middle Name” and it actually worked pretty well.

    3. ashie*

      We once had a senior and a teenager with the same name and they were known as Big Denise and Little Denise. I can see how either of those names could be a little offensive but they both seemed pretty happy with it.

    4. learnedthehardway*

      I wouldn’t sweat being called my my last name, if the manager has the same first name, or if there were multiple “Learnedthehardway”s on the team.

      I mean, it’s kind of amusing that the manager can’t distinguish between him/herself and the OP on the basis of first names, but perhaps the manager is doing this for the benefit of the team. It makes a difference whether Ramses Pharoah tells you to build a pyramid vs whether Ramses Scribe says to, for example.

      If the manager has any kind of military or adjacent background, that may also play in – or perhaps the manager is adopting the same modes of address. Took me awhile when I was a Reservist (part time military in Canada) to get used to being addressed by my last name. Even more difficult when my son was being addressed by his last name in the cadet program.

    6. WFH4VR*

      Quite a while ago we had two Kathryns, Kathryn B and Kathryn D. Kathryn D left about four years ago, so Kathryn B is the only remaining Kathryn. We all still call her Kathryn B!

  23. Boss Scaggs*

    Nothing personal but I wouldn’t want to see anyone’s vacation photos at an all hands meeting – whether it’s the chairman of the board, mid level marketing manger, or the entry level intern.

    1. Antilles*

      I agree. The tone-deafness makes it more egregious, but even if the CEO had led off the meeting by announcing that they’re giving across-the-board bonuses to employees, I STILL wouldn’t want to sit through photos of his vacation.

    2. Poison I.V. drip*

      Isn’t it a long standing pop culture trope that other people’s vacation photos are boring and nobody wants to see them? Forcing your employees to look at them is more than tone deaf, it’s an abuse of power. Put that crap on Facebook where people are free to ignore it.

    3. Seashell*

      At least not more than one. I could handle one captioned “Back to work!” at the beginning of a PowerPoint presentation or something like that, but that’s as far as it should go.

    4. Amber Rose*

      For real. Sometimes coworkers come back from vacation and show me a couple photos and it’s always the “polite comment and change of subject” for me. Being forced to go through them in a meeting with no escape? No thanks.

    6. Insert Clever Name Here*

      I am an awesome friend because I LOVE vacation pictures. I don’t care where you went, show me your pictures, tell me your stories, I love it all! But like, I ask when it’s an appropriate time. An all hands is never the appropriate time.

      1. Jenesis*

        An appropriate time is when you have a bit of downtime between work to socialize with your coworkers and generally build rapport with them by learning a little bit more about who they are outside of work. Which is to say, rarely (if ever) with your manager, since that expectation of rapport simply isn’t there.

        I love cats and looking at pictures thereof, but being invited to gush over my manager’s/Big Boss’s cat pictures would still be incredibly weird.

    7. Guacamole Bob*

      Folks sometimes share a few photos in our team meetings, but it’s almost always thematic. We work for a public agency, and people will nerd out about the facilities in other cities and take photos. Picture working for a city library system, parks department, transit system, etc. and coming back with photos of those things from elsewhere.

    8. MassMatt*

      The fact that he has the power to require an all-hands meeting, and decide to spend part of it showing his vacation photos, reinforces his main character syndrome.

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      Seriously. Before there were memes and the internet, there were a lot of jokes about that one person with a Kodak Carousel. It’s your vacation, your memories, and your photos.

  24. DE*

    I think there’s tons of mind reading going on with number 2. The LW should just take compliments at face value. Even if you don’t otherwise like this person, they’re probably just giving you a genuine compliment. Your distaste for them does not imply a similar distaste from them to you.

    1. Riley*

      Err on the side of positive intent and respond graciously, especially when you are the manager. Just say thank you and move on.

  25. Kesnit*

    #4
    At my last job, I had the same first name as a coworker. (Spelled differently, but said the same.) We were both called by our last names by everyone in the office. When my Same-Name-Coworker left, I asked if people would start calling me by my first name, but was told that everyone was so used to calling me by my last name that it would be hard to switch.

    1. Box of Rain*

      We have three Sean/Shawn in my team and reporting structure. One is Sean or Big Sean (director level). One is Shawn with a W (manager level). One is Shawn Smith (individual contributor). No last names only, which I hadn’t thought about before, but now I’m kinda proud of us! lol

    2. Bananapants*

      Based on my experience at my last 2 jobs, it strikes me as a bit odd that you would just call someone by their last name (without checking) when there are multiple people with the same first name. When it’s unclear, I’m used to saying the person’s full name or their first name + first initial of their last name, or saying like “Anne with an E.” or “Joanne in accounting.”

    3. flora_poste*

      I share a first name and surname initial (actually the first same two letters* – say we’re both Flora Po–) as a colleague on another team, whom I work with quite often. Generally in emails and calls on which both of us are on it’s easy to tell which of us is being referred to by context ‘Flora, you were just saying xx, how about yy?’. To my team, I call her ‘Flora P’, which seems to be understandable even if we’re both Flora Ps.

      *This means we get a LOT of each others’ emails

  26. Aerin*

    I think LW4 is reading too much into it. I remember working student helpdesk and at one point we had four guys named Matt, including our boss. We referred to them all by last name. A friend of mine has two very close friends both named Nick, and when talking about them she calls them by their last names. Hell, I often refer to my current manager by last name since there’s someone else with his first name in our division. And these were all in different parts of the country so I don’t think it’s a regional thing. It’s just a very common way of dealing with the issue.

    I suppose if it bothers you that he’s FirstName and you’re LastName, you could start calling him LastName as well. If it really is some kind of power play, he might bristle at that, but chances are that he won’t bat an eye.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I do sympathize with #4, I have a common name and have been in the situation where a new boss has the same name, and they have always pushed me to using a nickname/variant so they can keep using “our” real name. When it’s a peer, even with more seniority, I’ve had better luck with KateA and KateB, but not if that requires my boss to change how she’s been presenting herself. In fact at one job a boss Katlyn went by Kate 99% of the time already and still kind of subtly suggested perhaps I would prefer not to be Katlyn at this job, perhaps I am a Katie now hmm? People are weird about their names.

      1. Artemesia*

        love your name. This is a phrase used often in our family when things are not optimal ‘it is all part of life’s rich pageant.’ I actually don’t know where we got it from, but we have been saying it for 40 years.

    2. observer of life's rich pageant*

      In some environments, staff referred to by last names is common. I think it comes from some people’s experience with sports teams, when players are referred to by last name only more often than not. Best not to take offense when none is intended.

      1. Kevin Sours*

        Sure. But this isn’t one of those environments. While your point about not taking offense is valid, it still doesn’t make it less of an irritant. One does not need to take offense to make it worth addressing.

    3. JB (not in Houston)*

      It’s not just reading into it–he doesn’t want other people calling him by his last name. He’s allowed to want to be called by his first name.

      1. Observer*

        Yes. He gets to have his preference. The “reading in” is about it being disrespectful.

        I’m not saying that it’s *impossible* for it to be disrespectful. But it’s also likely that respect or lack thereof has nothing to do with the Boss’ behavior.

  27. Sloanicota*

    Number 3: This varies widely by employer, I think. I would guess Meta ironically is not going to be closely monitoring/caring about negative comments *even though it’s their own platform,* because people post hundreds of negative comments about that platform and those decisions every day. Pretty sure there’s whole groups about “f*ck zuck” and they don’t care, they just laugh all the way to the bank because it’s still engagement, it’s still eyes on the platform etc. The employee was definitely taking a risk but probably feels much safer than you or I would posting even one remotely not-positive thing about our employer (if you work at a small and paranoid place like me, that feels dependent on good reputation in the community). It does irk me that my job pushes me to post / engage with their content on social while also no tolerance for actually being genuine on social haha.

    1. MsM*

      I don’t know how much the employee cares if Meta does get mad. I’m sure the LinkedIn post was primarily intended to make their stance clear and ideally inspire others at the company to push back as well, but if it results in a few job listings landing in their inbox, I doubt they’ll be upset.

    2. JMC*

      I say good for that person at FB to say what they did. FB needs to be called out on this behavior, it’s abhorrent and is a result of cozying up to the one that is not going to be my president. We in the lgtbq community need to rise up and protest all the bad companies that are against us. We are here to stay whether they like it or not and we need to start demanding some respect.

      1. Observer*

        is a result of cozying up to the one that is not going to be my president

        I think you are giving him too much credit. I was just listening to a podcast discussing some of this. One of the people was asking if the interviewee thought that Zuckerberg was just cozying up to Trump or saying what he really thinks about fact checking. I think it’s the latter.

        He doesn’t want to do the moderation, never wanted to. Keep in mind that this is the guy who said that who is to say that holocaust denial is hate speech, it’s probably an genuine misunderstanding / different perception of the facts in an interview with Kara Swisher.

  28. MCMonkeybean*

    If you really hate being called by your last name you can certainly talk to your boss about it, but it’s really normal and not at all disrespectful! I’ve seen this happen at my company when people share a name several times.

    When I started there were two men named Brian, one was head of the department and the other had worked there for decades but hit a ceiling due to not having credentials. The higher up one left and the other continued to be called primarily by his last name. He got his missing credentials, rose in the ranks, at one point had the same job as the other Brian and then went even further to be fairly high in the company. People definitely had a lot of respect for him! and we all still mostly referred to him by his last name.

    1. Momma Bear*

      I had a teacher in HS who was also a coach. He called everyone by last name. Senior year I asked if he even knew my first name, and he did. It also seems to be a guy thing.

      I agree that LW should just clarify that they don’t like it, but also recognize it’s probably not intended to be demeaning or rude. We have a lot of Johns so we tend to call them by first name and last initial or by last name. To their face we tend to call them by first name because we know which one we are speaking to, but in emails it’s not uncommon to use last names instead. If one of them told me he hated it, I would stop.

      1. MsM*

        My husband went to a Catholic boys’ school. To this day, there are classmates of his whose first name I don’t know, except that it’s probably “John” or “Michael.”

        1. HonorBox*

          I went to a small school from K-12. Nearly 10% of the entire class was named “HonorBox” and because my last name is quicker and easier than the other “HonorBoxes” were, my last name became the default. I am well into my working career and have been addressed by employees, co-workers, bosses, outside colleagues, friends, elected officials, random strangers I meet for the first time, etc. by my last name and actually kind of like it, mostly because it makes me feel like they’re comfortable enough with me to call me by my last name rather than “HonorBox.”

    2. Totally Minnie*

      I think it feels disrespectful to the LW because they’re the ONLY one getting called by their last name and it wasn’t their choice for it to happen.

      If there were 7 other people going by their last name, the LW probably wouldn’t feel quite so singled out.

      1. HonorBox*

        Because he’s not doing it when they’re talking 1:1, I don’t see it as disrespect. I see it as unnecessary clarification, as though everyone would think the boss would refer to himself in the third person.

        1. Totally Minnie*

          The LW sees it as disrespect, though. Something can feel disrespectful to a person on the receiving end of a behavior, even if the person doing the behavior isn’t intending to be disrespectful.

          Being singled out as the only person in the workplace who doesn’t get to be called by their preferred name would feel disrespectful to me, too.

        2. higheredalumna*

          It is disrespectful to assume what someone wants or “should” be called. I’m a younger Gen Xer who dealt with plenty of duplicate Sarahs, Jennifers, Dans, Davids, Michaels, and Johns, and we still mostly let people choose what they wanted to be called. Disrespect may not be intended but being called what you want is pretty baseline to creating an actually inclusive culture, not one that plays lip service. I say all of this as someone who picks and chooses on when/how correcting people on the pronunciation of my name even though it is pronounced exactly as one would expect based on straightforward phonetics. So raise it, respectfully, in a moment when you’re not irritated and able to gently remind everyone that they also get to choose how they are addressed.

    3. Kevin Sours*

      For whatever reason I’ve gotten tagged with my last name at a few stops (I don’t mind at all). Though in my line of work things tend to be so informal that excessive formality tends to wrap around to “familiar” rather than coming across as distant.

    4. iglwif*

      I agree that it’s 100% normal and unlikely to indicate disrespect; and also, if OP really hates it and is experiencing it as disrespect, it’s worth asking for it not to happen. The ask should be free of emotional language around respect and disrespect, though, which will just confuse the issue.

  29. Momma Bear*

    #1 – not same same, but a few months after massive layoffs, our CEO complained bitterly about low attendance at the summer barbecue event. He failed to grasp that expensive burgers were a slap in the face after losing a significant number of staff, being told there was no money for extras, being informed that the company would be paying less of our insurance premiums, etc. The general reaction was WTF?

    1. OP1 Here*

      Sorry to hear this happened. When will People In Power know THEY are responsible for the very low morale they complain about? I mean- whose motivation isn’t burgers?

      1. Momma Bear*

        I am also privy to the amount spent on that and a subsequent holiday party and we could have hired another FTE for one over-burdened department instead. Not always sure if it’s a corner office or an ivory tower.

  30. Joelle*

    For #5, I’d also be prepared to say “when you want to disambiguate, I’d prefer you say ‘Lucien M’ for me,” or something similar.

    One of my romantic partners shares my first name, and our shared partner’s mother use to call us “Jo 1” and “Jo 2” to disambiguate (and I was Jo 2) and we hated it. While Jo just rolled her eyes at it – having a decade more experience with said mom, I just felt so disrespected. We asked her to stop numerous times, but she persisted. Eventually, when we provided an alternate suggestion (Jo S and Jo P — using the initial of our last names) is when she finally – and fairly quickly – changed her behavior.

    So I suspect your boss will be relieved to have you come up with an alternative so they don’t have to try and come up with one themselves.

    1. iglwif*

      My spouse, my stepdad, my older brother, and my late FIL z”l all have/had the same first name and go/went by the same short form of it. There’s a woman’s name with the same short form, and guess what my kiddo’s BFF goes by?

      At one point my mom and I jokingly discussed numbering the same-named family members for disambiguation purposes, but then couldn’t decide which order to number them in. We’ve ended up using possessive adjectives or adjectival phrases instead, which take longer to say but don’t carry the same possibility of hurt feelings!

      1. Disappointed Australien*

        At least those might not have been obvious at the time they were given.

        My maternal family it started with an aunt marrying (for example) Alex short for Alexander. My parents decided that as the first child in that generation I would also be called Alexander. Uncle Alex later named his first son Alexandru “technically a different name”, and then another aunt had a girl… Alexandra.

        I blame my mother, because she’s a Lisa and named my sisters Alyssa, Marisa and Elise. All are known as “Lease” to their school friends. Don’t go there.

        1. iglwif*

          Oh nooooooo!!!

          Yeah one branch of my family tree is Extremely Italian and thus into naming babies (especially sons) after family members … so there’s like, Uncle Johnny and Young Johnny and Little Johnny, for instance, and Little Johnny will continue to be Little Johnny even as a 5’10” father of three lol.

          The branch of the family in which I was raised is Ashkenazi Jewish, which comes with a tradition of NOT naming new babies after still-living family members. AND YET.

  31. CherryBlossom*

    #4: As someone with a very common first name, I empathize with this. At one point I worked in a department with 3 other “Cherry”s! I’ve always had the opposite problem though: I have a nickname I don’t mind going by at work, but it never sticks, even when it would solve legitimate communication issues.

    I guess I just don’t have that nickname “aura” that some people do. Though if anyone knows how on earth to make a nickname stick, I’d love to hear it!

    1. EA*

      Interesting to hear from someone on the other side of it, who wants to be called a nickname and people don’t take to it. Can’t really explain it, but some people just “are” a nickname more than others! Like I know some Katherines who are TOTAL Katies or Kates, and others who just… aren’t. Wish I knew how to fix that!

  32. Johnny Dollar*

    Yeah, #1 is most certainly tone deaf.

    My last place, they would constantly tell us how well the company is doing, how it’s a Xmillion dollar organization, that they hired Famous Person to lead this project, we’re flying Leadership out to Sweden to see how they do this thing, etc etc. But we didn’t get COL raises for 3+ years. There were other things going on in the organization that many employees were disgruntled about. There were so many excuses “oh, we can’t afford that” “do you know it costs 1 million dollars to give everyone a 3% raise”. (Not if you don’t give y’allselves raises, it’ll cost far less than a $1M, bucko.) (I know they probably can’t do that, but they could if they tried.)

    They hired a consultant, and per the consultant, they asked us to get together and air our grievances in small groups, and then present the results of these talks to the company at large. I was tasked as The Mouth for my group. I had to get up in front of everyone and tell them “It’s really not cool how y’all talk about how well the company is doing and how much money is available, and to keep denying us COL raises.” They stopped. But then when layoffs happened, guess who was on that short list. Yours Truly.

  33. HonorBox*

    OP4 – While this doesn’t make it right or even necessary, it could be that he feels like he needs to clarify which “John” he’s talking about in a larger setting. I wouldn’t take it in any sort of negative way, and I’d just suggest saying, “Hey John, when you call me Smith in a group setting, it isn’t something I like. Could you call me John like you do when we’re 1:1?”

    All that said, my last name is very unique and I’ve been referred to by my last name since probably junior high. I like it and will even encourage it. It only was ever actually weird when my younger brother started getting called the same and we were in the same place at the same time, so we’d both respond. I say all that to say, I wouldn’t think twice about it, but if it bothers you even a bit, you can sure ask him to change his approach.

    1. Sparkles McFadden*

      I was just about to write the exact same thing. I have an uncommon (real) last name and I’ve always been called by my last name. At my long-time, very large workplace, almost everyone was called by their full name or last name (or nickname) to avoid confusion. Anyone bothered by this would have to speak up because last names were the default.

  34. OP1 Here*

    Thanks, everyone, for your insights. I’m OP 1. I expressed my disgust to my manager- more as a way of venting- and she agreed and seemed to want to tell my grandboss who reports directly into the CEO. At the very least, a public apology at the next meeting would go a reasonable distance.

  35. Merry go round and round*

    #4 I’m definitely projecting, but another possibility, is that the boss feels uncomfortable saying their own name. My name is slightly uncommon, its rare to find another person with it, and in high school one of the most popular girls in school shared my name which led to a lot of awkward “oh you didn’t mean me” moments- so I am sensitive about other people having my name.

    In any case, just asking to be called by your first name is the way to go, they might not even realize they are doing it or that they are doing something unwelcome

    1. Leenie*

      I had a similar thought but wasn’t sure how to articulate it. I think you captured it. I don’t have a particular sensitivity around my name, but it’s rare enough that it just feels weird saying it. If the boss has something similar going on, it’s obviously his own problem and he should accommodate the LW if he requests that his first name be used. But it is an alternative explanation to what might be going on there.

      In any event, I don’t think it’s helpful for the LW to think of it as disrespect. It probably isn’t intended as such, and the LW should just ask for what he needs without thinking of it as some kind of loaded or hostile conversation.

  36. LaminarFlow*

    #3 I get referred to by my last name alllll the time. I always have. People have told me that my last name is fun to say, even though it is 6 syllables and weird.

    It doesn’t seem like there’s any malicious intent with your skip level manager last-naming you, so either correct him or let it go.

  37. Ahoytheship*

    #2, I just can’t get the idea of this person out of my head that they are secretly Pigeon Toady from the movie Storks.

    “Nice work brah!”

  38. HB*

    #4 – When I started at a grad program one of the professors went by his first name. But when I started there, I always referred to him by his last name. This was partly due to the fact that I already knew who he was in the field, and when you’re discussing people in that context it’s always First Name Last Name so that you know whom you’re referencing. Also, and this is somewhat important: his first name was quite common, but his last name had some really fantastic consonant sounds in it so it was just more enjoyable to say (this was a creative field so noticing/appreciating the relative quality of word sounds wasn’t out of left field). Therefore I think it started as calling him by Last Name because even though I was now in a context where people would know who I was talking about if i just said First Name, I was still thinking of him as Important Person rather than a professor I’d just met for the first time. By the time I thought of him more as professor/colleague, Last Name was effectively a nickname which I continued to use out of friendliness.

    I stayed in the area after my program ended, and at some point I realized that other people had started to pick up on referring to/calling him Last Name as well – and I felt simultaneously proud, but also a little bad because I wasn’t sure how he felt about it! Now, at no point had he ever asked me to call/refer to him by First Name – and I think (hope) he was somewhat flattered by it (our first meeting was essentially a mutual admiration fest). Now, one other strange thing is that he sometimes seemed oddly scared/intimidated by me and after reading various AAM posts I’m worried that the name thing contributed to it since even though it wasn’t my intention to do some sort of power play, that’s effectively what it was. Even if I’m doing it out of admiration/respect because I think of him as Important Person, it’s putting my perception/preference first. If he’d told me he hated his last name and I continued to do it, then that’s a power play where I’m trying to assert authority (maliciously) by blatantly ignoring a stated preference. But when the person says nothing it could mean anything. Maybe they hate it/find it offensive, maybe they’re completely neutral, or maybe they enjoy it. We’re both neurodivergent so him seeming scared/intimidated could have purely been mutual social awkwardness.

    He and I did (and continue to have) a good relationship overall, but I would feel horrified and ashamed if I ever learned that he felt insulted/disrespected at any point by calling him by Last Name.

    All of which is to say: speak up to your boss! I can almost guarantee you that he’s not doing it out of disrespect, but if he is… you could confirm that pretty quickly by asking him to call you by First Name (or something similar if clarity is a genuine issue) instead and seeing whether he does it.

  39. Totally Minnie*

    We’re getting a lot of responses to letter #3 that are basically “I’m okay with being called by my last name, so it’s not a big deal.” But the LW isn’t okay with it and for them, it does feel like a big deal. Can we please try not to minimize the letter writers’ concerns as unimportant? If it didn’t feel important to them, they wouldn’t have written in.

    I agree with Alison’s advice to talk to the boss and say you don’t like being called by your last name and ask if there’s another way to make it clear which Lucien is which.

    2. Leenie*

      I think some of the response might come from the LW characterizing it as disrespect. The LW should absolutely ask for what he needs here, and should get it. But him thinking of it as disrespect, and not just something that happens organically sometimes with no ill intent (as evidenced by the many comments), really isn’t doing himself any favors. It makes a simple request into a loaded and stressful conversation, when it really doesn’t need to be.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        You can feel disrespected by someone’s actions even if they don’t mean it disrespectfully. The boss is probably not even thinking about how LW feels about being called something other than his preferred name, which, yeah, is kind of disrespectful. It’s not deliberately disrespectful, but it’s thoughtlessly disrespectful and that kind of disrespect is still hurtful.

  40. pally*

    #1: Unless those vacation pics are the location where my next work assignment is located, I don’t want to view them.

    1. My Boss is Dumber than Yours*

      Where my assignment is located AND I will have time off to enjoy them AND can either expense them or am being paid more than enough to just do it. It would honestly piss me off even more if I were being sent to Orlando for a ten hour a day conference, flying out and back right before/after, and the CEO said “oh, you’re going there for work; here’s what I did last time.”

  41. Leave Hummus Alone*

    #1 reminds me of when I worked at a place many moons ago that was going through some financial difficulties. The CEO announced that layoffs are imminent. A couple of weeks later was the CEO’s 50th birthday. His (brown-nose-rubbing) executive assistant posted 50 “fun facts” about CEO all around the office. The CEO, per tradition, goes to The Palm restaurant with his mother on his birthday. For those not in the Washington, DC, area, this restaurant is where politicians and lobbyists hob-nob, and lunch for one is easily $250+. After lunch, all 40 staff were called into the conference room to “celebrate” the CEO’s birthday, where he shared his lunch leftovers — half-eaten steak and a few roasted potato wedges. He gave a speech on how “important” his “work family” is to him, and you could hear a pin drop.

    1. Let me add...*

      Not uncommon to notify the entire place that you weren’t invited to the initial event, but come get the leftovers because the food was so great you need to sample what’s left.
      Yeah…no.

  42. Nilsson Schmilsson*

    Re letter #3, attorney Mark Lemley, who was one of the attorneys defending Meta’s use of copyrighted text for training AI, just publicly fired Meta and Zuckerberg as clients citing “Facebook’s descent into toxic masculinity and Neo-Nazi madness”. Looks like he’s sticking around on the platform for a bit longer, though.

    I can’t imagine having to work there.

  43. GirlieePop*

    LW 1 reminds me of when I worked at a startup right out of college where we were all classically underpaid and overworked. We started a fun little tradition of doing a lunchtime presentation whenever one of us went on an interesting trip where we would share pictures and usually bring a little treat or something to share (like when I went to Japan, I brought back little gummy candies for everyone).

    It was always a lot of fun until the (overpaid, difficult, mean) President went on a safari in a few African countries and told us all how much his trip and all the accommodations cost (I remember a weekend at a luxury camping site costing more than I made in two months). All of us just kind of sat there in silence while he boasted about how much money he spent!

  44. Stuart Foote*

    Regarding #3, I don’t have an issue with anyone criticizing Meta, especially in the current political environment. (Although I personally wouldn’t do that if I worked there, given Meta is laying off 5% of the company due to “low performance”, although NOT laying off the guy who chose to dump billions of dollars into a “metaverse” that nobody wants). The letter did make me wonder at what point does putting the company on blast on social media becomes inappropriate–I think that if the company is a very small company it is much less appropriate, or if the person in question is a higher-up that has a lot of say and didn’t get their way on a decision. I feel like I recognize the line when I see it, but not sure if I could define what the rule is.

  45. DVM*

    #4 could this last name thing be for practical reasons? Like for the benefit of the person taking notes at meetings?

  46. Observer*

    #4 If you do say anything, approach it the way Allison suggests. You get to prefer being called by your first name, and I doubt that most people would think twice about it. But if you go with the disrespect angle, you are not likely to get what you want, and you will probably not come off well.

    1. Jellyfish Catcher*

      This happens all the time. What we did: the most recent of the 2 tweaked their own name or variation, short and snappy.
      We had “Debbie,” whose husband was Don, so she chose to be called “DebDon.”

      In a more formal/work situation, it could be JohnT, for the first letter of the last name, or something that he chose:”DaveTech.”

  47. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    In my mind, the Disney CEO is ALSO the family in the “my sister abused my employee discount.” I like to think that’s the only way a family with 20+ members could afford Disney. (I’m a grown ass adult with no kids, no debt, and a decent job who’s never been there and is likely to never go, what with how expensive it has gotten.)

    3. iglwif*

      Yeah, if you’re not, like, an NHL player or something, I don’t know how you afford even just the entry fees at a Disney park, never mind the travel, accommodations, and food, for 20 people.

  49. Yankees fans are awesome*

    I realize tone-deafness is the point, but, besides that, why are some people so convinced anyone even *wants* to see their vacation photos? I mean, I’ll indulge a relative or close friend, but anyone else? Really doubtful.

  50. Yes And*

    LW3: Since you agree that Meta’s new policies are “awful,” please don’t adopt their framing by describing what they’re doing as “free speech.” “Free speech” is the right to express yourself without fear of punishment by the *government*. It does not protect you from judgment by others, whether human or corporate. And even that “free speech” has its limits to protect society: you can’t incite a riot, suborn perjury, etc.

    All communities, large and small, digital and IRL, have formal or informal rules surrounding socially acceptable expression. The enforcement of those rules by private actors is itself a form of speech. The current attempt by various government actors to create laws forbidding social media companies from enforcing such rules is itself a violation of free speech. And when community rules about acceptable speech are abandoned, it can chill the speech of marginalized people within that community.

    For example, this website has a rule about keeping comments on-topic. I’m well aware that this comment is tiptoeing up to the edge of that rule. If this comment is determined to be over that line and deleted, I’ll be bummed – but it won’t be a violation of my “free speech.”

    Framing is important. When you adopt the framing of someone you disagree with, you concede a large part of the argument. What Meta is doing is not protecting “free speech.” Don’t help them pretend that it is.

    3. HB*

      I agree generally with your comment, but it brings up a question for me. The LW phrased as “changes to their free speech policies.” While “free speech” is a loaded term because when people use it, it’s usually in the context of asserting a *right* to free speech (and anything curtailing it being censorship) is a “free speech policy” really adopting that framing? By definition of having a policy, aren’t you pointing out that your freedom of expression is limited since it’s in a private (as opposed to government) context? In that case isn’t referring to it as a “Free Speech Policy” actually preferable? Obviously in the case of Meta’s policy they’re leaning more into the free speech “right” mindset, so I’m more curious about this in general.

    4. Forrest Rhodes*

      I’m +1 to both of Yes And’s comments.
      A friend once told me that “free speech” does not include “free from the consequences of your ‘free speech’.”

  51. Observer*

    #2 – Struggling employee.

    I’m curious about something that may or may not have some bearing on the problem.

    You say that you think that they are doing this in order to exert authority and dominate. What makes you think that? Based on what you have described I would have thought that there are a lot of more likely explanations. So I’m wondering where that’s coming from. Did you leave out some details that you didn’t think were relevant / for brevity? (eg demographic information that can wind up making a difference)? Is there some other behavior that’s relevant? Or that you’re just *so* fed up with this person that that’s where your head is at?

    1. Anon for this one*

      As I was reading I interpreted the behavior as the “exert authority” type as well (before getting to LW’s conclusion that that was the case). For me this is because the person seems to be borrowing authority that isn’t theirs: praising people for their contributions, thanking them for their input to a project, observing that they’ve done good teamwork etc. These are all things that someone in a position of authority or seniority over someone would say. I’ve almost formed the opinion that this person thinks they’re more important than they are and that’s why they do things like doorstep the CEO in the bathroom, blow off meetings that they see as a waste of time, etc.

  52. fhqwhgads*

    I have been on a team with about 17 Chrises (and near equal Alexes). When one is referring to another, they just say the whole names for disambiguation, with minor exceptions for some people who genuinely are referring to by last-name-only by everyone.
    So Chris Abracadabra talking about Chris Bippidy says “Chris Bippidy”. But everyone calls Alex Shazaam “Shazaam”. But Shazaam talking about Alex Tadaa specifies “Alex Tadaa” to make it clear they don’t mean Alex Presto.

  53. a clockwork lemon*

    OP4 – In my experience both at school and professionally this is pretty common. I work with no fewer than 7 guys named Dave, and every single one of them is referred to by last name because the alternative is having to type out “Dave LastName will coordinate with Dave Otherguy to make sure Dave Thirdman has the information he needs” in every single email.

    I doubt it’s intended as disrespect, but if you do express a preference to go by your first name only then be prepared for your full name to be written out in everything and to have to spend some amount of time clarifying when people are talking about you vs your boss.

    2. iglwif*

      Yep. I am Jewish and belonged to a youth group in high school, and due to the decade I was born in, up to 50% of all boys in any youth group gathering would be named Danny, so we just called them all by their surnames to save time and avoid confusion.

  54. Miss Fire*

    #1 makes me think of a work bbq I went to years ago as a medical admin. I loved these doctors, so I’m not that salty, and they were only talking among themselves, so it’s less egregious, but I remember going to refill my drink and hearing the doctors conversing about which of their second homes were more or less convenient (they all had second homes)!

    One mentioned his second home was to far out of town so he didn’t use it as often as he’d like… me making $16/hr I wanted to be like… can I live there when you’re not? Lol.

  55. iglwif*

    OP1’s CEO reminds me of a high-up European exec in a previous job (at a US-based multinational company) who did a whole “wow COVID is really a bummer, huh” speech in late 2020 … and started out by telling us all how much his family missed their vacation home in Singapore ::facepalm::

  56. the hulk's PTSD*

    “It feels like this is the individual’s attempt to dominate and exert authority”

    That’s…quite a take, LW. You have a mid employee, who’s already on a PIP for valid reasons (and likely knows that he’s on his way out of the door because of it). He’s complimenting all y’all because he knows he’s mediocre. It’s not that deep. Maybe try to see past your own self-righteousness (“dominate and exert authority,” OMFG), stop thinking of this guy as some OTT Machiavellian villain (LOL whut), and just say, “thanks,” and move on. This dude’s going to be out of your hair soon enough anyway.

  57. BigLawEx*

    I’m starting to wonder if social media has shifted the window of what’s polite. (An Overton window for acceptable behavior?)

    I grew up on the East Coast where talking about money and what you had and or did was strictly prohibited outside of your tiny social/family circle.

    After I quit law to write full time, there was a certain popular author who shot to the top of the bestseller list – and got rich quick.

    She started posting pictures of her dream home renovation. Now I do not begrudge her money or fame or whatever, and most authors were like, cool, cool.

    BUT she was shocked (shocked Pikachu face, I tell you) when readers pushed back and panned her. I think she thought they’d be happy for her success. But they were all, we can barely afford these $5 ebooks and aren’t fans of your $100K bathroom.

    I think the rule should be don’t share – not to your employees, not on public social media. Just don’t. Enjoy first class and your cars and your stuff, but keep it to yourself.

  58. PlainJane*

    #4, I think I get your boss. I have a name that, while not exactly unusual, was several years out of fashion when I was born and has not made a comeback, so I was accustomed to being the only person in my general vicinity to have the name. I rarely saw it in fiction. Result? I get a really weird feeling calling anyone else by my name. (And if it shows up in fiction, it takes me a long time to warm up to the story.) The kicker is, I don’t like my name and wished over and over that I had a common one. Makes no sense.

    But it’s possible that your boss is like me that way. It’s just an instinctive aversion to saying one’s own name. I wouldn’t take it personally, but when he does it, you can always tell your colleagues, “I usually go by Opie.”

  59. Serious Sillyputty*

    Re: Complimenting the Team-

    When I was an awkward middle schooler, my best friend from elementary school was trying to branch out an make new friends, and I think I was suffocating her… at the time I could see her being cold but didn’t understand why.

    My solution was similar to the employee in this story: I complimented her a lot. Part of it was that friendship 101 is being kind, and telling someone nice things was kind. It was also like I was saying “I get that you’re better than me; it’s established, so you don’t need to do anything on your end to communicate that.”

    In hindsight it surely felt clingy and awkward for her. At the time I could tell something was wrong but didn’t know how to respond. I suspect something similar from the OP’s employee: They know things aren’t going well, and can tell people aren’t comfortable around them, but don’t have the social skills to navigate that.

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