coworkers can’t believe I’m not wearing a coat, asking to work remotely after getting a tattoo, and more

by Alison Green on January 9, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworkers are very concerned that I’m not wearing a coat

I am a relatively young woman (late 20s) in a workplace in which many of my coworkers are twice my age or more, and the profession is heavily skewed female. I’ve been at this workplace for about four months.

I leave the building for my lunch break, we all walk to the parking lot together upon closing for the day, and I find myself occasionally going outside for one reason or another. I live in a cold climate, but I hate wearing coats for short trips outside partially because I run hot and partially because of neurodiversity-related sensory issues. I am usually just wearing a thin cardigan if I’m wearing any layers at all.

Nine times out of ten, if a coworker spots me leaving the building, they will literally gasp or admonish me in some way for not wearing a coat for what is essentially a 50-foot walk to my car. One has even taken me aside and inquired if I was able to purchase a winter coat and offered to help me buy one, which was an incredibly kind offer but made me feel embarrassed.

I know they’re asking out of concern and genuine care, but it makes me feel disrespected and not taken seriously as a fellow professional. I am one of the youngest members of the professional staff and more than one coworker has noted that they have children older than me, so I feel as if I constantly have to prove myself.

I usually respond to these comments with something plain (“Thank you, but I’m okay”) or joking (“I’m fine, I’m actually part yeti”) but they continue. How can I reframe my thoughts so that these comments stop bothering me as much as they do?

It’s the age thing that’s making this feel as weird as it does; if your coworkers were all your same age and making the exact same comments, I bet it would read differently. But because you’re the youngest — and very aware of it — the comments are landing as if they think you need mothering, which makes you feel babied.

Would it help to reframe it as “these are kind people who would express the same concern to a 50-year-old coworker”? I don’t know if that’s true — people do often want to caretake younger coworkers in ways they wouldn’t with older ones — but I also don’t know that it’s not true, so if we’re talking about mental reframing, that might be the way to go. Also, if you’re generally respected at work and taken seriously, it might help to center that in your head — yes, you might be getting more caretaking directed at you because you’re younger, but if your work is taken seriously, that’s what really matters. (If it’s not, that’s a whole different issue, but then that would be more the issue than The Coat.)

Also, it might help to start responding with, “I have coats! I just run hot and often don’t wear them.” It might not stop the concerned comments, but it’ll at least establish that you’re not the Little Match Girl.

Related:
I’ve accidentally convinced my coworkers that I’m homeless – but I’m not!

2. Asking to work remotely after getting a tattoo

I work in municipal government under a mayor who banned remote work this year for all municipal employees. Currently, we are only allowed to ask to work remotely if there are extenuating circumstances and if it’s not a recurring request. We can only do so for a day at a time, and it must be approved ahead of time by my grandboss.

I am getting a (huge) tattoo for my birthday next week. I am taking the day off for the all-day appointment. The day after, I would be fine to work, except the placement of the tattoo makes it impossible to wear pants in the immediate healing stage. Ideally, I could work from home for the next two days so I don’t use up all my vacation time for this. A doctor’s note is required for sick time. However, I don’t know how to word my request to work remotely! I am the only person in my relatively small department who has requested to work from home under the new policy, and I have used it two or three times since the summer. I am worried that asking for remote work the day after my birthday looks like I am planning to party hard and be hungover — bad optics. I’m hoping you can help me formulate the request to work from home, or that the commenters can give advice on wearing clothes over a large lower back piece.

Well … I don’t think you should.

To be clear, you should be able to! If your job can be done effectively from home, there’s no reason you should need to use vacation time for this. But look at the facts: your job frowns on remote work and only allows it under unusual circumstances, you’ve already used it a few times since the summer, you’re the only one in your department who has, and the request would be for the two days after a day you’re already taking off. It looks bad. I’m not saying that’s reasonable; it’s not. But that’s the reality you’re working with, with your particular employer’s culture on this.

You’d probably be better off getting the tattoo on a Friday and using the weekend for it to heal. I’m sorry, I know that sucks! Your workplace has made their stance pretty clear, though, and this will use too much capital.

3. I think my employee is using AI to produce bad writing

I’m a new manager and am almost certain the employee I’m managing is using AI.

I think AI works great for certain jobs, but the problem is that he’s using it to generate articles/comms that need to have a lot of nuance. Not only are the same mistakes coming up, but I worry the tone is obvious to others familiar with AI, which is a bit of a reputational risk.

I’d ideally want to have a frank discussion about common AI pitfalls so he can avoid those issues, but I’m conscious it may come across as an accusation, which he can deny anyway. Should I just act as if the output is his work and give my edits as normal?

Have a conversation with him! Give your edits — both specific edits and broad pattern edits (tone, voice, etc.) — and then say, “I don’t know if you’ve played around with AI for any of this, but some of it reads as sounding AI-generated, so either way it made me realize we should talk about why we don’t and can’t use AI.” If he says he hasn’t been using AI, you can say, “Okay, good. Let’s take a minute anyway to talk about why it’s something we can’t use, in case it ever does come up.” So you’re not getting into whether or not he did; you’re just laying out the reasons your team can’t. And then explain the voice issues, nuance, accuracy, concerns about proprietary info, copyright, or whatever AI problems are relevant in your field (likely all of those at some level or other).

4. Will a new employer let you roll over unused vacation time from your last job?

I know someone who is job searching to move to a new city. He works at a hospital in a health care capacity, and has worked at his current employer for 15 years. His vacation accrues with the number of hours worked; if he works extra hours, he accrues more vacation time.

He believes he has heard that employers will roll over vacation hours accrued to one another — i.e., that his unused vacation time could be picked up and made already available by the new employer. I told him that there are employers that will allow for negotiating accrual rates (“my previous employer supplied 20 days of vacation accrued over the year, can you match that”), but I’ve never heard of a company providing the accrued but unused time from a previous employer. The hospital system he is currently employed at is only in one state; this isn’t something where you would find it across the nation.

Is this something you’ve heard of happening, and if so, in what situation? I really can’t picture this in a nonprofit health setting.

No, that’s not a thing that typically happens when you’re moving to an entirely new employer (as opposed to moving around internally). You’re right that you can often negotiate the amount of vacation time you earn each year so that you don’t go from, say, six weeks a year to two, but employers don’t typically “roll over” whatever unused vacation time you have from somewhere else. That’s the other company’s accounting system, not theirs! (Ideally unused time would be paid out when you leave, but not every state requires that. It would be a particularly weird request in states that do … although, really, it’s likely to come across as a pretty strange request everywhere.)

5. My coworker’s out-of-office reply keeps (wrongly) sending people to me

Would you consider the ability to put together an out-of-office auto-reply a pretty basic, table-stakes skill?

I have a colleague, Barb, who is relatively new to our company (less than a year). We both work in IT and have mutually dependent jobs — think project manager (multiple projects across multiple teams) and team lead (accountable for stakeholder relationships and work prioritization for a team). Barb’s first big project was with me and my team, although she has other accountabilities as well.

Not long after Barb started, she had some PTO scheduled and asked if she could list my name in her out-of-office auto-reply. I said that of course she could list me for project X that we were working on together. But I didn’t know her other work, so I didn’t want to be listed as the contact for those other efforts. A few months later, we had more or less the same conversation. Barb asked to list me in her out-of-office; I said only for the project that we were working on together. Time passes, and another PTO comes around. No asking to use my name, which is fine. But then I get a message from a person on a related team asking about something that is Barb’s responsibility. Because Barb listed my name (and only my name) in her out-of-office message. I didn’t check the other two times, but I’m guessing she listed me then as well.

Part of me thinks this is so small and not worth following up on. But also, this feels like part of a pattern, where she asks questions in a “I’m new here” way, but when she doesn’t like the answer, she does what she wanted anyway.

She’s been in the business world for 20+ years, as have I. I am baffled that someone with this level of experience doesn’t have a grasp of out-of-office message patterns. And even if the pattern at this company is different from what she’s experienced before, being told no twice and just ignoring it really annoys me.

Are my expectations unreasonable? That an experienced project manager (1) would be able to put together an out-of-office message without any drama and at the very least would learn after one iteration and (2) wouldn’t blatantly ignore a colleague’s explicit “no”?

Your expectations are not unreasonable on either count. That said, this is probably less about her not knowing how to put together an out-of-office and more about general incompetence and/or intransigence.

Why not just say, “Hey, please stop listing my name on your out-of-office replies; I’m getting messages from people about things I’m not involved in”? And then if she does it again: “I saw you listed me in your out-of-office again. Is there a reason you’re doing that even though I asked you not to?” And meanwhile, just direct anyone who messages you back to Barb: “I’m not sure why she listed me as the contact; I’m not the right person for that, so you’ll need to check back with her.”

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{ 354 comments }

{ 354 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Daria grace*

    #2, if you haven’t done so already make sure you have a conversation with your tattoo artist about your options here. They may be able to suggest aftercare options that will be more compatible with pants wearing (having a mental blank on the name but there’s an option with a tight plastic film) or fabrics less likely to irritate the new tattoo.

    Your experience may vary but I’ve generally been fine wearing loose pants after getting tattoos on my legs

    Reply ↓
      2. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

        Yeah, that’s what I’ve used for my large tattoos, covered by loose clothing. It’s worked great and my artist swears by it for safe and minimally-disruptive healing. The day after my color-fill days I’ve been sore enough to have clothing bother me a little, but never had that issue with line work and never enough that I couldn’t have gotten through it in the office if I really had to.

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    2. Just Another Techie*

      Yup. I got a large flank piece some years ago, that extends from my rib cage down to below my waist. A saniderm bandage, loose pants, and a lot of Motrin got me through the next workday.

      Reply ↓
    3. Like sunburn but prettier*

      Another big-tattoo getter/haver, here – I agree that you should either officially take the time off or head on into work.

      I’m femme, so loose dresses are a lucky win – but I think if you plan in advance for a loose fitting pant with a shirt you don’t have to tuck in, you’ll be okay! In my experience, any discomfort is more about accidental rubbing or knocking into things. Give yourself extra time to move slow on your way to work and around the office, bring the pain reliever of your choice, and bask in the afterglow of getting the tattoo you’ve been dreaming of. Good luck.

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    4. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I took annual leave after getting the last bit done on my massive back tattoo (it took multiple sittings but the last bit had the colour) because putting on a bra was literally impossible.

      But the ones on my legs? Loose skirts and a layer of nappy rash cream (bepanthen). Definitely consult with the artist because in my experience they’ve got solutions for *everything* and have heard it all before. Additionally they want their work to heal well and will be helpful in achieving that.

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      1. JustaTech*

        I had an office mate who got a very large upper thigh tattoo, and she addressed the 2-days-after soreness with a big maxi skirt and different underwear. I know this mostly because we shared and office and several times the first few days she would close the door to apply lotion without flashing the whole office.
        (I didn’t mind, she warned me so I could keep looking at my computer if I didn’t want an eyefull. And it was a lovely piece.)

        Reply ↓
    5. Earlk*

      Elasticated trousers will be fine over a tattoo as long as the fabrics not horrible and if LW2 is someone who can wear dresses for work I swear wearing tights made my leg tattooes heal better as they all were far quicker to heal and needed fewer touch-ups than my arm ones.

      Reply ↓
    6. Sloanicota*

      I was traveling several days after getting my largest tattoo (also on my back) and was quite concerned about how uncomfortable it would be to wear a backpack or sit for hours on a train, but I was actually surprised – with the cling wrap type product they use, it was actually better protected and less uncomfortable than I expected. The instructions were to leave the cling wrap in place for as many days as I could. If I was worried about a waistband rubbing, I would wear a soft cotton dress or something but you should be okay. Also, if you trying going in and it’s not working, you can go home sick and it will seem less suspicious. I would think a doctor would write you a note but maybe I’m not understanding that process.

      Reply ↓
    7. +1tattoos*

      Heavily tattooed office worker here, who has come to work the day after a large tattoo. For me, it’s like coming in after a bad sunburn. It sucks, it’s painful, but the optics are bad if you work in a more conservative environment. In my ideal world, it wouldn’t be an issue, but this is what they’re working with. And I love my tattoos, but it’s not something on which to burn social capital.

      Also agree on the Saniderm/tegaderm front- it’s what I’ve done. I also make sure to take it easy, take pain pills if needed, and dress so nothing is rubbing. But if OP is sensitive to adhesives, might be an issue.

      Reply ↓
      1. tattoo-having LW2*

        Agreed – I ended up just not wanting to burn social capital and sticking to the plan I originally gave my manager. I took Weds & Thurs off and came in Friday. If I weren’t allergic to Saniderm, this would’ve been much more straightforward, though I probably would have taken Thurs off still out of fear of tattoo flu. Wore my loosest waistband pants on Friday, but definitely still experienced more friction on some parts than I would’ve wanted. I took it easy over the weekend, though, and it’s healed quite nicely!!

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    8. Bromaa*

      I’ve got a big hip to thigh tattoo (crossing both my waistband and the leg band of my underwear, and reaching most of the way to my knee) and my husband has a large lower back tattoo, and…. neither of us found this caused any issues with putting on clothes? I’m really not sure why the OP feels they can’t wear pants; it’s pretty typical to wear clothes even after a large tattoo. Their tattoo artist can advise specifics, but none of my tattoos have ever caused my tattoo artist to say “you need to go pantsless/shirtless tomorrow”. Take some tylenol and wear something loose.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bromaa*

        Can’t edit, so adding here — this was without anything like Saniderm for either of us, so it’s totally possible!

        Reply ↓
      2. Happy meal with extra happy*

        I now use saniderm to heal my tattoos, but before I did, I always found it so messy the first couple days. Also, I found the tattoo would stick to clothes, and it would just be uncomfortable. It’s still an open wound for a week or so, and having cloth rubbing against it isn’t fun.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bromaa*

          Interesting! For whatever reason, this isn’t an issue I’ve had — it’s certainly not comfortable, but it didn’t stick to clothes or stop me wearing loose pants. If OP also can’t access saniderm (it isn’t always offered, as tattooists have differing opinions), they should definitely ask their artist for suggestions. Personally I think a dress with very loose underwear or boxers or nothing beneath would be my solve :D

          Reply ↓
            1. What sunburn*

              I laughed out loud at this – because I did, once. Got the worst sunburn of my life while camping (fell asleep on a rock after swimming in a gorgeous lake). Had a huge presentation on Monday. I fashioned a “dress” by putting a long and loose skirt under my armpits and literally tying it’s drawstring waistband to the loose button up shirt that I put over it, which I tied up into a knot around the level of my waist.

              I got tons of compliments. Learned a lot about fashion that day.

              Reply ↓
            2. Peregrine*

              I’ve done it! I don’t wear bras, and if the dress is long enough no one is going to see if you’re wearing anything underneath. Never had an issue.

              Reply ↓
    9. Kat*

      100% agree on discussing how to cover it up comfortable with your tattoo artist, especially since it sounds like a larger piece. It would be worth getting larger pieces of tegaderm or saniderm ahead of tattoo day so you can be sure to cover it up.. If you’re femme or femme-presenting, dresses or a tunic type shirt would be my suggestion for covering up if you do have to go in to work.

      Reply ↓
    10. tattoo-having LW2*

      I used to love Saniderm but I developed an allergy to it the past couple years, so it’s no longer an option for me :( if I weren’t allergic, that would’ve solved it completely!! I still do recommend second skin/saniderm to anyone and everyone because it really helps the healing process along, even if I can’t use it myself.

      Reply ↓
    11. Kali*

      Heavily tattooed person here, and I agree with this – saniderm will solve most of the problem here.

      I will say that when I got my largest color tattoo, because of all the ink that comes out during the initial stages of healing, it bubbled up under the saniderm and eventually broke through the edge, staining some of my clothing. (I have majority blackwork and those were zero problem.) If OP is getting packed in color, that’s likely to be a far bigger potential problem than wearing pants. Even then, it was mostly a problem in the sessions I had *lots* of color or the sessions over summer so I was sweating just by existing (which loosens the edges of the saniderm). I’ve never had any issue with wearing anything after my tattoos in terms of pressure or extra pain, although of course I try to wear looser things.

      Reply ↓
  2. Observer*

    #2 WFH after tattoo.

    Alison is unfortunately right. Don’t do it. Get the tattoo on Friday and take those 2 days to heal.

    We all agree that it’s ridiculous, but it’s still likely to cause you issues down the line. If you had a lot of capital to burn, it might be different. But you’re not in that position yet.

    Reply ↓
    1. Peregrine*

      The OP probably can’t reschedule at this point. Many tattoo artists require months of advance scheduling. I’d just take the vacation time. Or, if your manager is understanding, I might ask if they’d prefer me to wfh, because then the work would get done. But if your manager isn’t understanding, just eat the vacation days.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        May not be possible to get the vacation days either, depending on how soon it happens.

        Does your manager know you’re getting a tattoo, LW? If he does, calling in sick might be an option if you tell him the reason. If not, calling in sick after a birthday will just make you look like you have a hangover.

        Reply ↓
        2. tattoo-having LW2*

          My manager did not know about the tattoo – I don’t share very much personal info with her. We also can’t use sick time without doctor’s notes (yay for co-pays every time I get sick). I took Weds & Thurs off with a few weeks’ notice, and just came in Friday with no one the wiser as to why I was out. I definitely wanted to avoid the optics of a hangover, especially since I don’t even drink!

          Reply ↓
      2. Pescadero*

        Yep… one of my tattoos was done by an artist who opens her books for 1 day every six months.

        She gets so many applications in one day – she rejects 75%, and for the 25% who get in… you have basically no appointment choice. You show up when there is an appointment available, or someone else gets your spot.

        Reply ↓
    3. tattoo-having LW2*

      I ended up taking Weds-Thurs off (having let my supervisor know a few weeks in advance) and came in Friday. My artist books pretty far out in advance, so changing to a Friday wasn’t an option. I was mostly worried about getting tattoo flu on Thurs but was actually fine! I wore my loosest waistband pants (am not femme, so don’t wear dresses) and checked on it a bunch in the bathroom throughout the day. It just wasn’t worth the optics of calling out so much in one week, when I was pretty sure my supervisor was aware it was my birthday week, lol.

      Reply ↓
  3. Observer*

    #3 – Bad writing.

    Your focus should not be on AI or not, but that it’s bad writing. It does make sense to mention the impression you’re getting. But lead with, and focus on, the specific issues and, by the way it looks like you might be using AI to get these results, and if you are, you need to do a lot more editing of the results. And then pivot back to what is lacking and what you need to see.

    Reply ↓
    1. Richard Hershberger*

      This. I don’t personally find AI useful, but I don’t object to someone using it as a tool. AI writing, however, is not good. Furthermore, it is a distinctive sort of mediocre. Should he deny using AI, the claim is that his writing replicates the feel of AI writing. This is not a flex. What can I say? Writing well is not a universal skill. But writing well, or at least well enough, is a skill that can be learned.

      Reply ↓
    2. A.P.*

      Yeah, the AI is almost a side-issue. If this employee is tasked with writing articles and other communication, then it’s concerning that they can’t distinguish between what’s good and bad. Are they suited for their job?

      As an aside, I think a lot of people don’t realize that with the right prompt, you can heavily modify content so that it doesn’t have that typical AI-generated tone. You can ask the computer to avoid passive voice; to use more casual language; to write in the style of certain authors; to avoid tells like the Oxford comma; etc.

      Of course, that takes some work on the human’s part by refining the prompts and going through multiple iterations to get the feel just right. And it seems to me that most people trying to submit AI-created work as their own are just being lazy and want to put in as little effort as possible.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tea Monk*

        Yea, with all that work they might as well have written it themselves and gained actual skills even though I know people really devalue the skill of writing

        Reply ↓
      2. Falling Diphthong*

        it’s concerning that they can’t distinguish between what’s good and bad.
        I think this will be the nub of the problem with the employee–first that they tried to apply a “work hack” that doesn’t actually have the effect they imagine, but second that if they even built in the much-needed human review step*, they missed that the end product was bad. Like they think the only criterion is “A five page report on the discovery of the flying spaghetti monster” and doesn’t realize that it matters what the report says, and that the article is about the colonial sea organism** and not the satirical deity.

        *Generative AI can make sense as an interim writing step–I’ve heard of it for people who are good at the technical side, know their writing is weak, and ask AI to go through something they’ve written and smooth it out. Much as they would once have asked a human friend who didn’t know the topic but had good writing skills to give it a pass. But obviously they then review the changes to make sure what they’re saying isn’t now wrong, which often happens when you smooth out the technically correct phrasing.

        **Totally a real thing!

        Reply ↓
      3. Indolent Libertine*

        Hey, no hating on my beloved Oxford comma! Even Alison uses it, right above the box where I’m typing this: “Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site’s commenting rules.” It that’s now going to be thought of as a “tell” for AI generation, then everything I’ve ever written is going to be flagged for that.

        Reply ↓
      4. Antilles*

        You can ask the computer to avoid passive voice; to use more casual language; to write in the style of certain authors; to avoid tells like the Oxford comma; etc.
        True, but knowing to do all this requires already having a pretty solid understanding of proper writing, common pitfalls of bad writing, what level of formality is appropriate, what style you’re trying to mimic, what you want the final product to look like, etc. And if the employee had this base knowledge, he probably wouldn’t be bothering with having AI write his articles in the first place.

        Reply ↓
    3. CityMouse*

      It’s also possible, though less likely, that this person is using AI or encountering AI writing elsewhere and this is influencing their writing. I have encountered that overly mechanical style AI uses before ChatGPT took off.

      Reply ↓
      1. anonymoususer*

        Yes: this is the real worry for me with AI. Some people have started to think that the bland, content-free style AI produces is ‘professional’ or stylish in some other way. It drives me up the wall!

        Reply ↓
      2. a clockwork lemon*

        I have a coworker who writes and speaks as if everything is being fed through an AI. That is 100% not the case for them, which I have confirmed in a variety of contexts. They’re just a really weak writer who doesn’t have a technical or academic background that emphasized strong style writing.

        The mechanical AI style people tend to clock is basically just the same as a high school or early college five paragraph essay format, which is DEFINITELY taught in schools.

        Reply ↓
    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Yes, focus on the end result being bad.

      It’s specifically bad in a way that reads as though AI generated the writing–the marker of which is that it’s like hiring a person who has no understanding of the topic to look at phrases that often occur with this term, and sling together some grammatical sentences that use those phrases, in a way that would seem reasonable to someone who knows nothing about the topic, but is rife with “Wait, that’s not right” bits to anyone who does know the topic.

      The writing would still be bad if he were creating the effect in an organic, analog, completely human-powered way.

      Reply ↓
    5. Heirloom Tomato Heiress*

      My guess is he is taking every suggestion grammarly makes and so his “own” writing sounds like AI. I hope, at least, that’s what is going on..

      Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Oh that is definitely a possibility. At Oldjob we had to run our writing through the hemingway editor (hemingwayapp [dot] com – it’s a super awesome tool) and some of the suggestions it made for readability or grammar had me going uhhh yea no, no human sounds like this.

        But a weaker/less experienced writer might just take every suggestion as gospel without thinking it through and end up sounding like a robot.

        Reply ↓
    6. Mockingjay*

      Yes, focus on the writing itself. Articles have a target audience (public, industry, etc.), corporate comms have a very defined message scope. If he’s not producing content that fits the criteria, that is a major performance issue. Talk to him about scope, research (don’t use AI, use vetted sources or talk to an expert), corporate style and branding (presentation). Using AI or copy/paste from a google search only masks the issues of poor writing and inadequate content. The real question: is he capable of doing the job? I say all this as a technical writer who has learned and dealt with these same things.

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    7. JMC*

      Nah it should be focused on whether it’s AI cause that is CHEATING. Pure and simple. People need to write things themselves.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        Who cares? Is using a dishwasher “cheating”? A clothes dryer? A calculator? A word processor?

        The LW has a need, and it doesn’t necessarily matter how the person accomplishes that goal, as long as what they are doing is not illegal, unethical or contrary to relevant regulations. Using a tool to write vs writing “themself” is not a moral issue per se.

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    8. Ask a Manager* Post author

      There are reasons in many jobs that people shouldn’t use AI for writing even if the end product is good, so I do think she needs to cover that as well (in addition to the other problems). She doesn’t need him to admit he’s done it; she just needs to impart the reasons they don’t.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        Sure. But the LW doesn’t seem to have an issue with their employee using AI per se, just that the employee is producing lousy work.

        Of course, once they are having that discussion, the LW should definitely discuss any other potential issues they might encounter, since the employee clearly doesn’t have a good sense of how to make this work well.

        But even here, I think that to some extent the issue is not AI per se, but the underlying issue. Like, if they are concerned with data security the real issue is using *any* service that uses the user’s data if the service hasn’t been vetted by the company.

        And in any case, I agree that this can be brought up without getting into whether the employee is using AI or not.

        Reply ↓
  4. hobbittoes*

    I wonder if LW#3’s friend has had colleagues transfer to other departments (common in some healthcare systems) and conflated them being able to bring vacation time from their previous position into their new position?

    Reply ↓
    1. Ama*

      Or even other hospitals that just happen to be part of the same health care system, some of those networks are huge and cover multiple states. It seems plausible that at least some of them treat moving hospitals within the system as an internal transfer and that’s how he got confused.

      That said if it’s a research hospital and a candidate is a big name in their field I could also see the hospital agreeing to honor their existing vacation or some other unusual benefit to recruit them (but it wouldn’t be the policy in that case it would be specific to that hire).

      Reply ↓
      1. LaminarFlow*

        That’s what I got out of that letter. I have a friend who is a nurse, and she was a travel nurse for several years in our younger days. She worked for Company X, but was deployed out to various cities on hospital contracts for anywhere from 3 months to 1 year if I remember correctly. Since she was a contractor, her vacation time accrued with the contracting firm, not the individual hospitals.

        I did a similar thing when I contracted in the tech world.

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    2. Tabihabibi*

      I did have a former colleague at a city government who apparently negotiated starting with a small pot of PTO since we had no ability to be flexible on other things he wanted and had to start at the bottom for new accruals. I think it was a one-off success.

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    3. TechWorker*

      I could also imagine a situation (tho possibly not in non profits!) where someone managed to say ‘leaving will cost me $x in unused vacation, can you match that as a starting bonus?’ and get a positive answer. Not quite the same as ‘rolling over vacation’ though.

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    4. allathian*

      I’m in Finland, and here transfers within the public sector count as internal transfers, so employees who switch from one agency to another don’t lose vacation time.

      Reply ↓
      1. just a random teacher*

        This is also how it works in my US state. Transferring from one state job to another, or even between different school districts (schools here are run by local school-specific small geographical districts rather than directly by city, county, or state government) you get to transfer your sick days and keep on the same accrual toward your pension (all these jobs pay into the same state pension fund). Not something that I’ve seen in non-government jobs, though.

        (Teachers generally don’t get vacation or personal time in any meaningful amount, just sick leave. Various places I’ve worked have offered anywhere from 1-3 days a year of personal time that often doesn’t roll over, so I’ve never heard of anyone caring if it would transfer to the next job since it usually doesn’t even for the next school year in an existing job. I have lots of days and entire multi-week chunks that I don’t work and can take a vacation, but I don’t get to pick when they are because they’re the days that school is not in session and everyone is on break rather than days I scheduled individually using my own leave allowance.)

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    5. Sloanicota*

      Only once have I ever been paid out for vacation time – what a boon! – and wouldn’t be at my current job. The move is to take a long vacation before you quit. It feels kind of crappy but this is the system they created. It’s especially nice if you’re not going to get a lot of downtime between the jobs before you start.

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    6. doreen*

      I’m sure that’s what happened. Sometimes it’s not obvious from the names that these four hospitals, ten outpatient locations and twenty-five medical offices are all part of the same organization – and bringing vacation time from the St Eligius location of Ecumena Health Care to another location of Eucumena is not the same as bringing vacation time from St Eligius to the completely separate Princeton -Plainsboro Hospital.

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      1. Smithy*

        Agree with this, and also could see it creating a bit of industry blindness. Like – of course this happens “all the time” because a version of this has happened to a handful of colleagues you know.

        I think we saw a lot of this happen around the pandemic when folks assumed that because they could work remotely, that meant they could work remotely from anywhere. And then suddenly learn about tax nexuses and how that might or might not impact that request. I’ve worked in a number of parts of the US that have “tri-state” or other shared commercial area – so it was really common to see someone work in State A and live in State B. So it inevitably created an assumption that State C thousands of miles away would of course be the same.

        Reply ↓
        1. Junior Assistant Peon*

          If you work on-site in State A and live in State B, you’re covered by State A’s employment laws. The problem comes up with home-based employees.

          Reply ↓
    7. Strive to Excel*

      Closest I’ve heard was someone who got asked to start their job before payroll could get them input – because they were the HR person, the payroll system had crashed, and they couldn’t get him started in payroll without having someone with the skills to fix the system. He negotiated getting an extra day of already-accrued PTO included in his sign-on and was happy with it.

      Reply ↓
  5. Archi-detect*

    #3- The AI one is so tricky to deal with as you can’t ever be sure one way or the other unless you actually see/ have web traffic of him using it. Alison’s advice makes sense and works with the biggest bit of advice on the site in many, many situations of address the problem, not the odd thing you can’t say anything about or prove, as the work being odd is what you actually care about, and can prove

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      I don’t think it is tricky, unless this is an unusual place of work where the process is more important than the output. But unless there are significant concerns about originality or you’re uploading IP, which it doesn’t sound like there is, it’s the output that matters.

      I do think there’s something about the discourse around gen-AI and the perception that it’s cheating that seems to short-circuit people’s brains a bit. There are many educational settings and a few work settings where “this is your own work, do not use XYZ tools” is important, but for most of the working world, there is no need to prove, check or guard against the use of gen-AI. You can just look at the product and decide whether it’s meeting the organisation’s needs or not, and if it isn’t, that’s what you focus on.

      (Yes, the ethical and environmental concerns around AI are massive and at a company level you should probably have a discussion about that. But that’s not usually going to be a decision for individual managers.)

      Reply ↓
    2. Ally McBeal*

      I mean, the reliability of the programs that allow you to enter text to determine if it was likely written by AI does vary, but there are plenty of “tells,” like weird hyphens, commonly repeated words/phrases, or extremely jargony language. It’s not THAT hard to tell if something was written with AI once you know what to look for, and honestly those AI-detector programs are a good starting point.

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  6. glorybound*

    #1: I never put on any extra layers if it’s just a quick walk between the car and the building. It often takes longer, standing out in the cold, to bundle up than it would to just get into the warm building, and, going back to the car, I won’t suffer hypothermia in the time it takes the car to warm up inside.

    If I think there’s a chance I’ll need layers after I get to my destination, say I’ll be walking somewhere else before returning to the car, I’ll grab the layers, but probably won’t put them on until I need them.

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    1. MK*

      I used to be the same way, and it was fine until it wasn’t; turns out I get colds much more easily at 40 than at 20, and also hello severe neck pain caused by chills in that area, because not feeling the cold doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t cold. Even now that it’s causing me issues, I still hate coats.

      I don’t see that it matters, frankly. Whether or not putting on a coat when it’s very cold outside is fine (it’s generally not), it’s annoying for people to be constantly commending on it; heck, it’s annoying for children when their parents do it, let alone for an adult. People mean well, they do it with people of all ages and genders, and also it’s an instinctive remark a lot of the time.

      OP, if it really bothers you and you are willing to put yourself to some inconvenience to avoid it, I have found that even holding a coat does away with the remarks. Alternatively, putting the coat around your shoulders without wearing it, or using a wrap of some kind (what I use now that not wearing a coat is actually causing me problems).

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      1. allathian*

        I used to run pretty cold, but now that I’m on the cusp between perimenopause and actual menopause, I make do with thinner coats and fewer layers than I used to.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          This would be much easier if OP was around 50, because she could just say “Magic of menopause; I’m always just super toasty warm.” But that doesn’t work for 23.

          I do think OP could evolve some version of a cheerful “Metabolism! I am always super toasty warm. No coat needed.”

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          1. Perfectly Cromulent Name*

            LOL- I’m in peri, and my mother is always HORRIFIED when I’m not bundled up like it’s -50 the second the thermometer hits 70. She is freezing all the time now but when she was my age, she was HOT all the time. She does not seem to remember this. I do bring a coat to keep in the car just in case I need it or get stranded or something, but I don’t bring it with me when I am taking a quick dash into the store or whatever. Even when I was younger and colder, I hated to have to haul around a coat in the store, so I just endured the cold for a few minutes and left it in the car.

            Carrying a coat does not stop my mom from making comments, so if she were not retired, I’d wonder if this person were working with my mom. She means well, but she is one of those people who does not seem to *get* that just because she is hot/cold/hungry/not hungry/tired/etc does not mean that everybody around her is not those things. It just does not compute in her mind.

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            1. Not on board*

              LOL my mother also does not remember her peri / menopause symptoms. She has said that she didn’t really have any….
              Funny I remember her complaining about how hot it was inside while the rest of us were freezing. And I also remember some very big mood swings which of course she says she never had. This was the 90s though and it wasn’t talked about as much.
              I am much more aware of feeling very hot for no reason, and also feeling irrationally irritated.

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      2. Zoe Karvounopsina*

        I am the No Coat colleague, and people will not shut up about it. “Ooh, Zoe is wearing a coat!” “Oooh, Zoe’s not wearing a coat again!” Well it is a literal five minute walk from my home to public transport, and another five minutes at the end, so no, I am not when I take that route.

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          1. Good Enough For Government Work*

            ???

            If Zoe is walking to a metro, such as the London Underground, the stop will be a set distance away and then underground. So it doesn’t actually matter whether their train is on time or not as to whether they will be more than warm enough.

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            1. UKDancer*

              Yes. Also the London underground is quite warm especially when it’s crowded and several branches don’t have air conditioning. So I can well imagine someone with a 5 minute walk either end of a tube ride might choose not to wear too many layers.

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              1. londonedit*

                Yep – at this time of year it’s a constant battle between needing a coat/layers that are warm enough for when you’re above ground, but knowing you’ll boil as soon as you’re on the train. So either you become practised at stripping off scarf/hat/gloves (and your coat as well if it’s the Central line) before you get on the train, or if you know you’re not going to be walking around outside much then you opt for a lighter coat and maybe a bigger scarf that you can shove in your bag.

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                1. Slow Gin Lizz*

                  This always drove me nuts when I regularly commuted on public transit. It was the bus, so I did have to bundle up for the outside wait, and then it would be a zillion degrees and often too crowded to take off layers. I actually still despise this about winter, that I’m always too warm when I go indoors wearing my outdoor gear, but I also hate being cold so unless it’s something really quick like taking the trash out, I have to wear a warm jacket.

              2. Productivity Pigeon*

                Oh god, it’s so hot in the London Underground and there is always miles and miles to walk.

                As a person who sweats pathologically much (I get Botox shots to control the worst of it!) and who is just always hot in general, it’s an ordeal every time I visit!

                Luckily, London has a lot of other wonders that make it worth it!

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            2. Observer*

              If Zoe is walking to a metro, such as the London Underground, the stop will be a set distance away and then underground.

              Well, in NYC, the subway stations are not properly heated. And in general, underground transportation is far from the default when it comes to public transport. Buses, almost by definition, are above ground and even a lot of rail lines are above ground. In NYC public transport is a mix of buses, subways and above ground trains (even though they are still called subways, the are above ground.)

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            3. StressedButOkay*

              The way I just laughed thinking about how Zoe’s walk to/from the transportation gets delayed or cancelled…

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          3. Falling Diphthong*

            I think many of us have never encountered a situation where we couldn’t enter the subway station because it was overrun with kaizu, as common as this is in fiction.

            Reply ↓
            1. Bella Ridley*

              Why does everyone assume it’s a subway station? Buses and streetcars still exist as part of public transit.

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              1. M*

                Because Zoe’s comment that people are replying to talks about it being a short walk that requires no coat, which suggests that they are unfussed by the possibility of a wait, which suggests an indoor or underground station or a route that’s so heavily serviced that they rarely need to wait for long enough to matter.

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              2. Insert Clever Name Here*

                Because Zoe said “it’s a literal 5 minute walk from my home to public transport.” When I was using public transportation for my commute (bus and subway/metro), I couldn’t perfectly time my walk from my house to the bus stop to immediately enter the bus with zero waiting. I could walk into the underground metro stop exactly 5 minutes after leaving my office, though. For my friends who lived and worked a short walk from an underground metro station, they could absolutely plan on not needing a coat because they’d be in the sweltering station after X minutes of walking.

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        2. Mockingjay*

          You might have to get pithy: “You’ve noted your concern on multiple occasions, but please stop. I can manage my own wardrobe choices.”

          I’m 61 and hate wearing a coat, too – always have. I use a puffer vest on really cold days, but that’s pretty much it. I wouldn’t dream of monitoring my coworkers’ winterwear. Sorry you are dealing with this.

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        3. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Some people are just weirdly focused on certain things and need to comment on them all the time. I wear purple a lot because it’s my favorite color, but I like other colors too and wear them not infrequently. When I was a teacher the head of the school would comment every time she saw me on whether or not I was wearing purple. I kid you not! Every day it was “Oh, SGL, I see you’re wearing purple today!” or “Hi, SGL, no purple today?”

          Same job, I had a green travel mug that I made tea in every day for about three years. She would see me doing it many days, but on St Patrick’s Day of the third year, she just had to comment, “Oh, SGL, I see you have your green mug for St Patrick’s Day!” I was actually speechless, because I couldn’t think of a polite way to say, “Um, well, yes, this day and every day.”

          It was about 15 years ago that I left that job, and I actually ran into this person a couple of months ago at an event. Miraculously, she did not comment on my clothing and I was not carrying a travel mug for her to point out either. She’s a nice enough person, I guess, but it has always seemed to me that she learned how to make small talk from watching a YouTube video or whatever the equivalent of that was 20 years ago.

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      3. Guacamole Bob*

        I regularly nag my tween children about wearing coats and the regularly ignore me; they’re old enough that their choices are what they are and I’m not going to force them.

        We’ve evolved a nice little comedy routine where I suggest they wear a coat, they elect not to, and then when we get outside they ham it up about how cold it is (sometimes to mock me and sometimes because it’s actually quite cold) and ask why I didn’t tell them to wear a coat.

        I should probably stop nagging them about it.

        Reply ↓
        1. HB*

          “I should probably stop nagging them about it.”

          I don’t know, it sounds like you have a nice little bit with your kids – they’d probably miss it if you stopped!

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        2. Texan In Exile*

          Right now, it’s 11 degrees where I live. I watch kids walk to school and there’s always those few middle-school boys in shorts. I used to worry, but then I realized that the streets were not littered with the corpses of frozen teenagers.

          (I am indoors and am wearing a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and a down vest, along with fleece-lined leggings.)

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      4. Not on board*

        I remember going to a bar/club in the winter in Canada – coat check was a pain so we would stand in line outside in what was essentially summer wear with no coats, and often in sandal type footwear. I would NEVER do that now. The lines or the no-coat thing.

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    2. Felix*

      My concern is that, based on the comments about buying one, OP isn’t even carrying a coat, gloves, hat, etc. I also prefer not to wear a coat, especially if I’m just walking to my car. But I also know that cars break down, accidents happen, and the best laid plans can go horribly wrong. Hypothermia can set in fast, and if you live in a cold weather climate that is experiencing a cold snap, it is irresponsible and immature to not think you might need one. If people are repeatedly expressing concern, maybe reconsider the “everyone is wrong but me” mentality.

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      1. Magpie*

        Why are you assuming people are being irresponsible just because they handle cold weather differently than you? I’m someone who rarely wears a coat. I live in a fairly cold climate but I run hot and usually find coats uncomfortable. I keep gloves, blankets, and other such supplies in my car in case something happens. Just because I’m not wearing a coat doesn’t mean I’m unprepared.

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      2. Beany*

        If the LW just moved to the area from a state with a warmer (or at least different) climate, perhaps.

        But if LW grew up in the area, or has lived there a long time, they have the same info and relevant experience that the older coworkers have. It’s still infantilizing for those coworkers to harp on LW’s clothing choices — even if they’re right and LW is wrong.

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      3. Irish Teacher.*

        I assumed she was just going out to get something from her car and anyway, if she keeps a coat in her car for incidents like that, she probably wouldn’t bring it in to the building.

        And of course everybody is wrong but her because it’s about her and only she gets a say. “Everybody is wrong but me” is reasonable who you are talking about something you know and others are only guessing about.

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      4. hbc*

        If you want to list all the things that *could potentially* be needed in a weird situation, we’re all going to need panel vans to drive more than ten miles. I mean, yes, it’s possible that my car and cell phone might break at the exact moment and no one on my heavily-travelled route sees fit to stop or call emergency services for me waving for help, but it’s about as likely as me needing a shot of epinephrine for a sudden discovery of a life-threatening allergy on the road.

        I’d say the irresponsibility and immaturity is in the coworkers assuming that they know what works for OP better than she does.

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        1. Colette*

          It doesn’t take much of a mishap to be stuck outside in the cold – a flat tire will require more time out of the car than it takes to walk to/from work, even if someone else is changing it. It’s OK for the OP to not wear a jacket, but she should have warm stuff in the car – and “oh, I keep my jacket in the car because I don’t get cold going to & from work” would be a reasonable response that might address some of the concerns.

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          1. Bunch Harmon*

            I hate wearing coats while driving, but I always bring one with me and leave it in the car. When I get comments from people (which happens less frequently as I get older), I tell them my coat is in the car. It’s an easy way to stop the conversation from recurring, but also lets them stop worrying about me.

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          2. learnedthehardway*

            Agreeing. It is smart to be prepared for potentially being stuck out in the cold. It doesn’t have to be all that cold for hypothermia to set it, esp. if it is wet / windy. Having a coat in the car will be a good insurance policy, and will give the OP a response that will alleviate the concerns of her colleagues.

            Odds are the colleagues (esp. the ones with kids) are genuinely worried about you, OP. Yes, they are probably coming in with a “parenting” approach – but being sensible and prepared for bad weather is something teens are not great at, and you’re probably triggering their parenting instincts.

            My teen is of the opinion that he doesn’t need to worry about being properly dressed for the weather because it’s a short walk to school or Mom can pick him up. I remind him that “We live in Canada!!” quite frequently. More than once, he has gone out without proper attire, and had to come back for a jacket/mitts/hat, etc. I have used these times to point out that the weather can CHANGE and what if he was stranded on his own when the temperature was okay in the morning?

            Anyway, parents tend to see it as a mark of maturity when young people dress sensibly for the weather. It’s entirely possible that this follows over into viewing colleagues who don’t dress for the weather as a bit “young”. Do consider that at least carrying a jacket will not only alleviate your colleagues’ concerns, but will also cause them to view you as more professional / experienced / mature (I know – the one doesn’t have anything to do with the other, but if you want to be taken seriously as an adult / professional, it doesn’t help to be tripping parenting instincts.)

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          3. Minnesotan*

            Yeah, as someone who lives in Minnesota, even in busy areas with a cell phone with me there are plenty of days in the winter when I do think it’s irresponsible to not have a coat and gloves and hat at least packed in your car for emergencies. But there are days where it’s so cold that hypothermia and frostbite can set in within minutes. There are many places in the world where it would be less of an issue.

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          4. Nep*

            I keep a coat in the car and I still get irritated by the comments. I have not found that it matters what I say, people still comment. My closest dearest friends still comment because they feel cold and it feels important to them.

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          5. Names are Hard*

            This is exactly my response. I do in fact keep a winter coat in my car, just in case, but I can’t stand to wear it while driving. It takes longer to put it on than it does to just walk in the building. Most people are content knowing you have a coat and back off at that point.

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        2. Dinwar*

          “If you want to list all the things that *could potentially* be needed in a weird situation, we’re all going to need panel vans to drive more than ten miles.”

          I know a guy who tries to have emergency supplies for every conceivable emergency. As he is a field geologist, this includes some rather interesting things, like first aid for cryogenic burns and fire blankets and the like.

          Turns out that equipment is a hazard. He got dinged on a safety audit for having so much stuff in his car that it was dangerous for him to drive it.

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      5. Falling Diphthong*

        It doesn’t say that she doesn’t own a coat. It says she doesn’t wear one for short trips between her car and the office.

        As a hypothetical, I agree with keeping a coat in the car if you are commuting along long deserted stretches of rural roads. But there’s no reason to think that’s true of LW, and a puffy coat in the backseat would not impact the work interactions she wants to blunt.

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      6. Judge Judy and Executioner*

        Why should anyone have to carry a bulky coat if they don’t want to? One of the reasons I hate wearing coats for short periods of time is I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY IT. Just because I’m not carrying a coat does not mean I’m not prepared, and it for sure does not mean that I am irresponsible and immature. My car has 1-2 coats, hats, gloves, blankets, and more. I’m not irresponsible or immature, I’m an adult who gets to decide what works best for me. AND, if I am going to be outside for a longer period of time, I wear a coat, gloves, hat, scarf, etc. Take your concern and shove it.

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      7. MK*

        People who are repeatedly expressing concern to an adult are in the wrong, no matter how right they are. Saying it once is kind, but after that you are being a nuisance.

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      8. HB*

        This is a weird response to the letter in a lot of ways, but at the same time it’s a great reminder to consider having some basic supplies in your car for rare, but foreseeable events. I lived in Raleigh for that big snowstorm that inspired all the photoshopped pictures of AT-ATs towering over burning cars (the fires were not photoshopped). As I recall the cars caught on fire because the snow came down really quickly and people got stuck… and then kept their cars running to stay warm, but that can (weirdly) make the car way too hot (probably because snow is a great insulator) and bad things happen. I think what you’re supposed to do is turn your car off, turning it back on occasionally. In which case it would be very useful to have a blanket and some other basic supplies in your car. Sometimes it’s not necessarily about preventing the worst possible outcome, but just making unfortunate/uncomfortable situations a bit more bearable.

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        1. Texan In Exile*

          I felt so vindicated the time Mr T was driving south for a hiking trip and told me he didn’t need a coat where he was going.

          I said, But what if the car breaks down before you get to the warmer place?

          To get me off his back, he threw his winter coat in the back seat.

          He got just under 100 miles away from our house when the car did break down.

          He had to be towed. And he had to wait on the side of the highway for the tow truck. Yes, inside the car, but the coat helped him not need to idle the car for an hour.

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        2. learnedthehardway*

          Idling the car for a long time is also not a good idea – particularly when it is covered in snow – because carbon monoxide can build up and suffocate you in the vehicle.

          If you do have to do this, you would be well advised to keep the window open an inch or so to get fresh air. Which really defeats the whole point of staying warm, but CO is nothing to mess around with.

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      9. Dinwar*

        I sympathize with this. I’ve had hypothermia, I’ve been stranded in snowdrifts, I’ve done field work in -20 blizzards and white-out conditions (frozen ground made the equipment operate really well, worth the extreme discomfort). However, your attitude remains incredibly infantilizing.

        We can presume that anyone working in a corporate environment is an adult capable of handling their own affairs. They are as aware of the risk as you or I, and have opted to take the actions they believe are best, for their own reasons. Odd? Sure. Contrary to what you or I would consider common sense? Yes. Is it our call to make? Absolutely not.

        This is no different from constantly badgering someone for drinking soda at work. Sure, there are ample studies demonstrating that drinking sugary drinks regularly causes a myriad of health problems. But after one, maybe two, brief conversations, continuing to push would absolutely cross the line into unprofessional behavior. Similarly, if you continuously push about how someone is dressed, even if you have reasons you think are justified, it becomes extremely unprofessional.

        Let people make their own decisions.

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      10. thelettermegan*

        I’m all for giving the benefit of the doubt, but it’s also true that there’s a big difference between ‘Denver cold’ and ‘Chicago cold.’ If OP recently moved to this new location, the commentators may have grown up with the ‘just bundle up everytime b/t Dec-Feb mentality,’ and this is why they’re so concerned.

        OP, you could find one of those bulky sweaters that looks warm but actually isn’t – or you could just say something like ‘I’ve found that I like the crisp cold air after sitting in the office, kinda like how Swedes pop out of the sauna to roll in the snow. It’s invigorating!’

        Or you could get a hat that looks really warm, and claim it’s like George Costanza’s fur cap and it magically keeps you hot enough to go jacket-less.

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      11. RCB*

        This is why the rule of assuming the OP knows the situation better than us and not to make up scenarios that don’t exist is a thing. OP is talking about running to her car during the day to get stuff or for short trips outside the building, they did not say that they don’t bring a coat to work with them every day or have one in the car for emergencies, and frankly that’s not at all the point of their letter, so let’s not make up stuff that isn’t the point of the letter.

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      12. Crencestre*

        Ummm….Felix, you’re doing the same thing that LW1 complained about THEIR colleagues doing – assuming that they’re not competent enough to decide whether or not to wear a coat in cold weather! The problem is NOT that LW1 is “irresponsible and immature” – the problem is that their coworkers won’t mind their own business and that they’re treating LW1 as if they were a young child. Those colleagues are being patronizing and infantilizing, and that – not LW1’s wardrobe choices! – is the problem.

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    3. RabbitRabbit*

      I have posted in the comments section about this problem before – I had a situation where I commuted to work via train so I did wear a coat there/back (long periods of standing outside waiting), but once a week I had a board meeting in a building across a small courtyard in our hospital. This was one of the few non-connected buildings so you did actually have to go outside to get to it.

      I hated dealing with a coat for just that extremely quick dash, plus then I would have to find some good place for it (generally struggling to keep it draped over the back of the thick meeting room chair, people would brush by and move it/knock it down), and at the end it would be one more thing I’d have to sweep up in my arms and juggle on the way to the door while another group would be waiting for the meeting room. I worried about having one more thing to keep track of and possibly accidentally forget, like if I sat out of the way and my coat fell down under the table. Plus I didn’t really care that much about the cold. Yes, it was cold. It was also a very short experience.

      I am a woman, and was generally one of the younger people at this meeting, but more like in a 30s sense at the time, not 20s. Most people after seeing me week after week either never even asked, or might ask on the worst day and never again, but I had one (somewhat older, woman) colleague from a different department who just would not let it go. Nearly every week in fall/winter/spring I would get some variation on ‘aren’t you cold? / where’s your coat? / how can you stand that? / can you believe her? in this weather? / I don’t understand how you can do that’.

      I tried all kinds of responses.
      “Where’s your coat?” “At my desk?”
      I’m fine / it’s fine / I hate juggling a coat here / it’s not that far / I walk fast.
      Pretending not to hear if she had started up behind my back.
      Shrug.

      It literally went on for at least couple years where I’d flinch about whether or not she would nag me about my coat. She wasn’t smiling, either. It was more like a maternalism ‘can you believe this silly woman’ scolding attitude. If she was more like ‘dang, you are something else, I could never’ I would have taken it in much more stride.

      So one day when she decided to bother me in front of other board members with a ‘where’s your coat?’ comment, I quipped back with a response to the effect of, “I’m fine, mom.” and that shut her down. No more coat comments ever again.

      I can get it once, like if you’re all out walking to the car and you’d be concerned that your colleague had lost her coat/had it stolen at work/etc., but after once? They need to stop. You are walking a short distance to and from buildings or cars; you aren’t doing physical labor for extended periods and wandering back in with hypothermia/frostbite.

      I also get the ‘but they’re just concerned’ framing. However. I grew up in Wisconsin. I went to college there. One of the grad students in a lab I worked in was from Hawaii, and she was so damned stoked about winter that she wore shorts year-round. Even outside. In the absolute worst weather she would wear zip-on shell pants over top, and take those off shortly after entering a building. My response to her explaining that? How she was amazing and I could never, even with being from there, and then I never freaking mentioned it again. We would discuss the weather in the morning sometimes but I never went out of my way to be like ‘but OMG you and your shorts.’

      Other than calling them out on literally treating you like a child who has no sense in how to dress for anything? I don’t have any good advice. Try to be uninteresting about it and see if that helps. “I hate having to keep track of it” or “I’m fine”. Don’t feel pressured to carry one or wear it like a cape, as we know this is generally more awkward than wearing it.

      Reply ↓
    4. CityMouse*

      Parents also encounter this sometimes. You can’t put a small child or baby in a carseat in their coat. The hassle of getting the coat on and off would take just as much time outside as it would take to just walk into thr place, so people skip the coat if it’s not that cold. But people will comment, even if you’re physically holding the coat.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I try to reframe this as just one of those Things People Do – if there’s something to remark on, a person trying to engage with you is going to remark on that thing, even if it seems extremely obvious or you’re annoyed because you’ve had this conversation 50 times (see, having red hair! Eating something unusual for lunch! Eating the same lunch several days in a row! etc). I can imagine if the coworkers themselves are cold and bundled up, they’re going to notice someone in a tshirt every time. It’s like the lady with the sippy cup from the previous letter. Try to let it go, I guess.

        Reply ↓
    5. HB*

      Funnily enough I kindof had this issue this morning! My husband had to drive me to work and it’s in the upper 20s right now, and as we were walking out he asked me if I didn’t want to grab my gloves or sweater (really heavy so it functions as a coat). I declined because it’s a 20 second walk from the car to the building – and this is why I typically never bring/wear outwear to work. This has become particularly true now that we live in a house with a garage and so I don’t really need the coat/gloves to keep myself warm in the car as it starts up which I’ve had to do in the past (when I leave in the evening it’s been in the sun most of the day so the car isn’t quite as frigid as it would be in the morning).

      My husband on the other hand works from home and so driving me to work was his excuse to wear his super thick sherpa jacket which he rarely gets to wear.

      Reply ↓
    6. LW1*

      I’ve lived in this state my whole life and am used to the winters! I mentioned it downthread, but I do keep a puffer coat, gloves, scarf, and ice scraper/brush in my car for situations that require them.

      Carrying a coat gets tough since I tend to be juggling multiple bags especially in the morning, then I need to open a door to get in the building, then get my key card to open a second door. I’d rather not have the hassle, so that’s usually why I forgo the coat completely.

      Reply ↓
    7. Forgotten Tadpole*

      I do this also – OP1, my advice is to make sure you bring your coat with you (from your car to your desk) on days that it’s reasonably cold and there’s a non-zero chance you may like to wear it at any time. (Even if it’s just a 2% chance it’s colder than you thought and it would be nice to have it on hand for the drive home.)

      Then if you’re going between buildings and you say to your coworkers as you get up “Eh, I can leave my coat here for this trip” they know that it’s you choosing and not forgetting to wear it or not having one available.

      Reply ↓
    8. Momma Bear*

      I think the guideline to keep it short and chipper applies here – “Oh, it’s not far and I run warm. I’m good!” Smile and walk away.

      Reply ↓
  7. SamiSalami*

    For OP 2: Just don’t…. get your tattoo on Friday afternoon and then you’ll be able to go to work on Monday.
    I’m guessing you’ve talked about your birthday and birthday plans and your tattoo (it’s exciting!), so people will put 2 + 2 together and realize why you’ve taken more time off. It’s simply not a good look in your office.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hobbling Up A Hill*

      That is going to depend heavily on how long it’s taken LW2 to get an all-day slot with the artist that would allow them to get a huge tattoo. For some artists, rescheduling is not an option because their Friday has been booked out well in advance with clients who also can’t reschedule. Maybe it’s possible and easy, but it’s just as possible that trying to reschedule might not mean getting it on the Friday it might mean waiting weeks or months longer to get another all day slot.

      Reply ↓
      1. knitted feet*

        Yes this, and it might mean losing a deposit too – LW might have needed to put some money down to secure the current slot.

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I’m laughing at the idea that this is something easy to change. Big artists have limited slots. I know when I wanted my back piece, I couldn’t get the day I wanted and had to choose between two second-best options. I definitely could not have rescheduled. There are penalties for canceling after you secure your spot. Sure, you can ask, but it’s not really a thing.

        Reply ↓
        1. Totally Minnie*

          Some people don’t have tattoos and don’t know what the process is for booking appointments. That’s no reason to laugh at them. This is not a common knowledge thing that all adults should be expected to know.

          Reply ↓
          1. Rocket Raccoon*

            I have a tattoo and still didn’t realize that there was such a thing as “big artists” with wait lists – although of course it make sense. Mine was done at a place that was like a hair salon – you book a couple weeks ahead, maybe more if you want a particular person, but totally reschedule-able. But also my tattoo is like a 1″ trim, not balayage.

            Reply ↓
      3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I mean, you shouldn’t book appointments for things that require approved WFH days or vacation days before getting the approval, no? Complaining about losing the slot/deposit is like complaining about buying nonrefundable airline tickets because your boss approved your vacation days.

        LW’s poor planning doesn’t suddenly make the WFH situation their boss’ problem.

        Reply ↓
        1. Also a cheesesteak eater*

          If OP 2 works for the city I think they do, there’s a good chance they booked a large tattoo before the WFH order was given. Tattoo artists here book out far in advance, especially for big work, and the mayor’s WFH order only had a few weeks notice.

          Reply ↓
        2. Pescadero*

          “I mean, you shouldn’t book appointments for things that require approved WFH days or vacation days before getting the approval, no?”

          Depending on the artist, and how far out your job will approve WFH/time off – it may not be an option.

          Lots of jobs won’t approve time off requests more than like a month out. Most good tattoo artists you’ll be booking 4-6 months out.

          Reply ↓
  8. *daha**

    #1 – I’m a guy in my 60s and I still get people of every age stopping me to let me know my shoelace is untied. So there’s that.
    (I notice when the lace gets untied, and I will re-tie it at some point when I am going to stop and put stuff down anyway. But I don’t trip on the lace, and I don’t lose my shoe, so there’s no hurry.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Emmy Noether*

      I think that’s different, because (1) the reasonable presumption is that people aren’t aware their shoelace is untied (while everyone is generally aware they are not wearing a coat) and (2) it is a tripping hazard if the person is unaware (while not wearing a coat for a few minutes as an average healthy young person will at most make them feel a bit cold for those minutes).

      I think it’s absolutely fine to tell people if they are untied, unzipped or unbuttoned in a way that looks clearly unintentional. One should butt out of attire choices that are probably intentional.

      Reply ↓
        1. Nightengale*

          on the other hand I am very tired of people telling me my laces are untied

          I was 16 before I could tie laces and still they are not easy for me and I’d often rather deal with untied laces than the work it takes to stop and tie them.

          I have never in my life tripped over shoelaces
          I have many many times fallen because someone tapped me on the shoulder and startled me to tell me my laces were untied. I startle easily.
          So if they would just tell me verbally that would be fine if irritating but I can’t trust them to do that

          Reply ↓
          1. AndiG*

            In case you’re interested, there are a lot of options these days for no-tie laces and, depending on the specific system, can look even better than regular laces. Some are elastic with clips, but personally I prefer the silicone ones (if the style of shoelace hole supports them). For the most part, either one has been great for me. They stretch enough that it turns my laced shoes into slip-ons, but they stay on my feet very comfortably while walking and running.

            Reply ↓
            1. Nightengale*

              yes that is how I survived until I could tie laces. Now lace up shoes provide the best support for my mobility and I can tie them so I haven’t needed other options for awhile. I just need people to stop tapping or grabbing me!

              Reply ↓
      2. Alpaca Bag*

        I like the “in a way that looks clearly unintentional” part – I (a Boomer) stopped telling young people about their laces when it became a fashion choice. :)

        Reply ↓
    2. Lacey*

      This is a pet peeve of mine and I know someone’s telling me out of kindness, but like you, I usually already know and just haven’t got to a good place to tie it yet or I’m almost at my destination. And then I feel obligated to tie in front of them and say thanks but I’m secretly mildly annoyed and this person’s nice gesture. (I also know I’m insane for this).

      Reply ↓
  9. PianoGal*

    #1
    I know I’m at risk of sounding like your coworkers but do you at least have a coat in your car? You never know when your car could break down or you get stuck in a blizzard and consequences could be deadly if it’s cold enough. As an added bonus you can then assure your coworkers that you run hot, don’t like wearing coats for short trips but have one in your car just in case. I suppose you could tell them that anyway even if you don’t really have one in your car.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      As well as being good preparation for an emergency it’s a very easy breezy response to the coworkers; “It’s in my car!” or “I keep it in the car when I’m warm”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

        I was thinking this. And it’s a reply which can be made very uninteresting in the right polite-yet-offhand tone, as well. “Yeah, it’s in the car – Anyway, about that otherthing…”.

        Might help with the people who are commenting partly to make conversation.

        Reply ↓
    2. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      An Alaskan-born +1 here! One of my heavier duty coats lives in my partner’s car, even though we’re living in the sunny southern Pacific Northwest USA now. I overheat at the drop of a hat, but I also get sudden cold spells, and I never know what it’s going to be. Having that coat there means I don’t have to overthink things when I’m heading out.

      My dad used to go outside to get firewood in his underwear (no shoes). Eventually my mom and my sister and I turned a pair of his discarded boots into outdoor slippers, because it was bothering us that much. After that, if he went outdoors shoeless that was a him problem, not an us problem.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        I think that was covered with “you could tell them that anyway even if you don’t really have one in your car”

        Reply ↓
  10. Overthinking It*

    OP1, I think you better luck getting people to lay off, if you say that you don’t *like* to wear coats than if you go into the why’s. I’d keep it to “don’t like” not even “just don’t like” (which starts to sound argumentative, and hence like an excuse). Don’t justify! The statement is true, and if you don’t give your reasons, you don’t give them any ammunition. They can’t argue that you DO like wearing a coat! And if they try to argue that you NEED a coat, point out the purpose of a coat is comfort, and you are not comfortable in a coat – no details about “running hot” or sensory issues, just “not comfortable.” (Presumably you’re not out long enough to risk hypothemia). Good luck!

    Reply ↓
    1. Zelda*

      “They can’t argue that you DO like wearing a coat!”

      I like this approach! Another possible strategy: this may be one to enlist someone to spread the word for you– sometimes you can deliver a more pointed message and soften it by indirect delivery rather than by toning down the language (it’s a method Alison has sometimes recommended for things like “please don’t talk about my health condition” or “here’s how I would like you to handle my recent bereavement”).

      Your agent may be someone who’s a trusted friend, the most social/most plugged in to the gossip network, or even the biggest offender. Confide in that person that all the fussing has gotten old, and while you know it’s well-meaning, you genuinely don’t like wearing a coat and don’t need to hear about it anymore, and would they be a dear and warn other folks off? You have now made your ally Important, and they can be more vigorous in your defense than you could tactfully be for yourself.

      Reply ↓
    2. curious mary*

      I disagree. If OP is worried about their coworkers infantilizing them, saying they’re not wearing a coat because they don’t like it risks making them sound like a child refusing to do something necessary because they don’t like it. Just saying something like “I have a coat in my car” or “thanks, but I have a coat” is probably a better way to handle it in my opinion.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dinwar*

        That’s quite firmly a “Them” problem, though. It’s not the OP’s job to make their coworkers comfortable with the fact that they are an adult capable of making their own decisions. And frankly after a certain point management should step in, because it crosses the line into harassment–just because being young isn’t a protected class doesn’t mean it’s okay to bully, harass, or belittle young people.

        Reply ↓
      2. Rocket*

        I respectfully disagree that it will make her sound childish, IF she says it matter of fact, “I don’t like coats” it won’t sound immature.

        LW has already tried saying things like “Thank you, but I’m okay” or joking “I’m fine, I’m actually part yeti” and she’s still getting comments. Saying she doesn’t like coats should hopefully shut down the comments.

        Reply ↓
    3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I think this is a good suggestion. I have a coworker who would rather bundle up with a thick sweater than wear a coat. She’s mentioned it before, just matter of fact.
      OP could even say something like “I leave my coat in the car, I get warm and don’t like wearing a coat for such a short walk (to the car, across the street, whatever).

      Reply ↓
  11. Kara*

    LW1 – I’m in my 50s and like you, I run hot but also I just hate the whole bother of putting on a coat/jacket/scarf/etc for walking 40 feet to my car where I will then have to take them off before I get in because driving while wearing a coat makes me crazy. :) I’d rather be cold for a couple of minutes and then warm up in the car than deal with all the extra coat/fabric/stuff.

    My coworkers and friends also continually ask me “aren’t you freezing” or “don’t you have a coat” or “oh my gosh here, have my scarf” or something of that nature. I’ve learned to laugh it off and tell them that I’m fine. I don’t even go into any explanations or anything, just say “it’s fine; I’ll warm up in the car” and change the subject.

    I totally see that given your age, it feels more and especially when someone takes you aside and offers to buy you a coat (!!!). I don’t really have any advice, but just to let you know that you’re not alone and even at 50+, people will worry about you for going outside without what they consider appropriate clothing.

    Reply ↓
    1. GammaGirl1908*

      This is me too. I don’t like to be hot. I don’t like having my arms constricted while I’m driving. I don’t spend much time outside if I can help it, and can live with being cold for the couple of minutes between my apartment and my car, and between my car and my destination. I also hate keeping up with a coat inside, like having to carry it around the mall because I don’t want to be hot while wearing it inside the mall, but I don’t want to put it down and lose it. I’m perfectly happy in a heavy hoodie for most of the winter. (Conversely, I hate being hot in summer, and I am hot at temperatures where other people seem to be comfortable.)

      The result of this is that I run around without a coat a lot in the winter, and I also get a lot of comments. I literally put my coat on for the first time yesterday to go clean my car off after getting a foot of snow this week.

      I just smile and say things like, “I have a coat, I just don’t get cold easily,” and “I’m fine! I’m just comfortable when everybody else is cold,” and “It just takes a lot to make me cold enough to do something about it,” and “I’m good, I just hate driving in a coat,” and “I’m just a polar bear! It takes a lot to make me cold.”

      But mostly, I have just chalked it up to one of those things where people just have to comment if they notice something a little bit different about you. Sometimes people say something dumb just to have something to say when they noticed something about you. Just have a response ready to go and brush it off.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I went to college with someone who would “This is nothing. I grew up in Northern Minnesota.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          At my east coast college, we played “spot the kids from SoCal” because they put on their down jackets when the temperature dropped below 60º. My daughter, born and raised in PA, went to college in San Diego and it only took a few months before she was bundling up for temps in the 50s….

          Reply ↓
          1. Pescadero*

            I worked with a lot of folks from hot climates when I lived in Oregon – including a huge number of folks who would wear parkas, mittens, and stocking caps… if the temp dropped below 70F.

            Reply ↓
        2. JanetM*

          I grew up in south-central Arizona and moved to east Tennessee. One year, I flew back to Phoenix to visit my Dad over winter break, and ended up staying with a friend because I was allergic to Dad’s cat.

          As I was leaving the house one morning, my friend axked, in tones of horror and dismay, “Where is your coat?!”

          “In the car, why?”

          “It’s 50 degrees out there!”

          “And that’s a balmy spring afternoon where I’ve been living for the past 10 years.”

          “Oh. Carry on, then.”

          Reply ↓
        3. BW*

          Floridian here. This reminds me of when I’d do walks around my office building in the winter. It would be 50F and I’d have my coat on, and I’d walk by the swimming pool of the hotel next door with kids having a great time in the pool. I think I’d mumble something about, “Must be Canadian tourists.”

          Reply ↓
        4. Texan In Exile*

          Yep. I went to college in Houston after spending most of my high school years in the Panama Canal Zone. I was freezing when it dropped below 50, but my classmates from Minnesota were in shorts and t-shirts.

          Reply ↓
        5. Scholarly Publisher*

          I live in an area with mostly mild winters and used to have a coworker from Toronto. One winter day — it was probably around 45F/7C — I was going out for my lunch break as he was coming back. I was wearing two sweaters, a hat, a scarf, gloves, and leggings under my skirt; he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts.

          I said, “Guess which one of us is from Canada?” He laughed.

          Reply ↓
        6. Aeryn Sun*

          I was once waiting in line outside for a concert in October, someone asked me “aren’t you cold??” and I said “I’m from Minnesota, I’m good.”

          Being from Minnesota truly does give you different perceptions of what’s cold and what isn’t.

          Reply ↓
          1. LizB*

            I wasn’t born in MN, but I’ve lived here for a decade+ now, and I absolutely pull the “I’m from MN” card when the “I just run hot” card doesn’t seem like it’ll work.

            Reply ↓
        7. Red_Coat*

          Oh yeah, when I came back to Virginia from Maine for my first winter break my mom was _horrified_ that I wasn’t wearing a coat. I had to explain to her a couple of times that I’d been in 0*F weather for so long that 50*F felt like summer

          Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        This was me when I first moved to a warmer climate from a colder one; on days when everybody was bundled up I was not in need of a coat. I did get a lot of comments but just thought it was funny (probably because I was not a noticeably different age from the commenters). Sadly, it faded after a few years and now I’m just as into coats as everybody else on 45 degree days that previously would have felt like spring.

        Reply ↓
        1. LizB*

          Our perceptions of temperature really change depending on the context we’re used to! I even see this in my cold climate at different parts of the year: in the fall, the first time it gets down to a brisk 45 degrees, I’m breaking out the wool socks and digging my gloves and scarf out of storage. In the spring, when it first hits 45 degrees after months of snow, that’s t-shirt weather, baby!

          Reply ↓
    3. Zoe Karvounopsina*

      Someone once asked why I wasn’t wearing a coat while I was out with my father (I’m in my thirties) and he fell over himself explaining that he had also asked, and he wasn’t stopping me from wearing a coat…

      And he and my mother are the only people I will take this from.

      Reply ↓
    4. AMH*

      Yes, I’m in my 40s and same, I don’t wear a coat and my coworkers fret about me too. I have blankets in my car, a hat, scarf and gloves in my bag and I’m a-ok. Because I’m in the same rough age range as my peers it doesn’t grate on me at all, I find it sweet, but I understand where LW#1 is coming from.

      Reply ↓
    5. 2025*

      I’m a FL native who lived in NC for a few years. I quickly discovered the same – outerwear is a pain to put on, drive with, take off at work, then repeat to go home. I bought the most beautiful full length wool coat with hood I only wore a few times for that reason. Now I am back in FL, and while we are going through a cold snap, I still don’t wear much more than a sweater as outerwear. I have to say though, we are not in much danger of a blizzard here.

      Reply ↓
  12. DotDotDot*

    Is it possible that Barb is actually asking the LW to take on some extra work while she’s away – and the LW is balking?

    The hostile tone seems odd to me, and it’s not clear whether there’s anyone else assigned to help out during Barb’s vacation.

    Reply ↓
    1. Myrin*

      If that is Barb’s goal, she needs to talk to OP (or alternatively talk to OP’s manager, who can then direct OP in that manner), not keep adding her to OoOs and hope she gets the hint!

      Reply ↓
    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t see any hostility in #5. The letter writer submitted their request to get advice about an challenge at work. What you mention is conjecture about the situation. In the commenting rules, Alison asks that readers take letter writers at their word and not second-guess their situation.

      LW#5, I would be annoyed too if someone continued to do list my name as the contact when I had told them twice not to do so.

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        OP hadn’t told them “not to do so” in previous cases – they told Barb to “list them only for project X”. Basically OP had given permission to list them as a contact, and there is no information about if Barb listed only OP then or also others for these two times. It may be that Barb listed all relevant people (“project X – OP, project Y – Jane, project Z – Wakeen”) in previous cases, but this third time only OP (maybe because she didn’t have other people for other projects or those didn’t give their permissions); and hadn’t asked for OP’s permission this time because OP had already given that permission in two times out of two, so why to bother OP with the same ask over and over when it is clear they are OK to be listed for their common project.

        Reply ↓
        1. amoeba*

          Yeah, that’s what I thought – maybe she just listed “LW for project X” and nobody for the other projects (because there isn’t anybody) and the person who wrote to LW got it wrong/gave it a try anyway because LW’s was the only name? Did LW ever have a look at the ooo message? That would be the first thing I’d do instead of assuming what it probably says…

          Reply ↓
          1. EvilQueenRegina*

            I understood it that OP checked it on this occasion after being contacted about the project they had no involvement in, but not the first two times (there wasn’t an issue, so no need to).

            Reply ↓
        2. Blue Pen*

          Yeah, I had to reread the letter a couple times to find the “explicit ‘no'” and case that matched what I also perceived as a bit hostile—I don’t really see it, LW, I’m sorry. An explicit “no” may very well have happened and there might be more to the story I’m not picking up on, but I don’t see all that here.

          That said, and this might be an overly generous reading, but Barb’s language might have been lacking in her OOO, leading the recipient to think you’re the cover for all situations. Or the recipient might’ve read too quickly and immediately pivoted to asking you, assuming you would know.

          Either way, and I’m not say it’s not happening, but to assume the absolute worst in what I consider to be a fairly innocuous situation strikes me as a bit odd.

          Reply ↓
          1. mango chiffon*

            LW said something about a “pattern” of Barb doing whatever she wants hidden behind an “I’m new here” and I don’t see it just based on what’s written here. If there’s something else in how LW and Barb interact when they’re both in the office, then it’s missing here. Based on what’s only in the post, I agree it seems a bit extreme to talk about how this is causing drama (one person reaching out to the wrong person is drama?) idk.

            Reply ↓
      2. N C Kiddle*

        Hostility is too strong, but there’s definitely an irritated vibe along the lines of “this is very basic. Why can’t she manage it?” It’s a justified irritation, but I’m not sure why LW doesn’t seem to have spoken to Barb about it. Possibly another letter where there’s background that LW has omitted for brevity?

        Reply ↓
      3. mango chiffon*

        I think what confuses me is the LW makes it sound like only one person mistakenly reached out to her via Barb. I think it’s fine to be annoyed by that, but seems a bit of a stretch to say this is drama just based on what is written in the post

        Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      I think that would be an odd expectation after OP has said point blank that she doesn’t know anything about Barb’s other responsibilities. I think what’s more likely is it’s because OP was the first person she worked with, and on a big project. Barb either wants to make sure enquiries about the big project don’t go unanswered (but isn’t thinking about the annoyance of all the enquiries about unrelated duties that OP knows nothing about), or she latched onto OP like a duckling when new and sees OP as a go to helper.

      Reply ↓
    4. Sloanicota*

      That was my #1 thought – is there even anybody else Barb can list? OP feels strongly on this issue but I’ve certainly agreed to cover unrelated staff’s duties while they’re out if there’s nobody else they can use without considering it a huge deal. It takes a few minutes of cross training and I actually consider it an advantage to my career. I don’t do their jobs while they’re out, obviously, I just get some information about who they would want various potential emergencies redirected to. I don’t think a longer out-of-office (if you need X, contact Y, but if you’re inquiring about Z, you need to do this other thing) is always great.

      Reply ↓
      1. umami*

        This is what confuses me. IF Barb needs to list someone, is OP the obvious person to list, even if OP doesn’t have the answers to everything? Sometimes, the answer will simply be ‘I can’t answer that, you’ll have to wait for Barb.’ But if it was something the OP could answer, would Barb still have done something wrong?

        I get OP not wanting to be listed, but I also wonder if there is a protocol that requires someone to be listed, and OP is the de facto person because most of the requests Barb is expecting will be about their shared project.

        Reply ↓
  13. Jillian with a J dammit*

    #1 It’s not necessarily your age. I’m over sixty in the midwest and I don’t wear a coat unless I’m going to be outside for a lengthy amount of time. I don’t like the bulk, especially if I’m driving, and I just don’t feel that cold for a brief walk. Coworkers of all ages have commented on it my entire life. If you stay in a job long enough, eventually they’ll know and remember.

    Reply ↓
  14. tabloidtainted*

    #5: *Have* you been explicit? Or do you just feel that you’ve been explicit? IMO, anything other than a plain “no,” leaves room for misunderstanding with some people.

    Reply ↓
  15. PDB*

    I’m 78 and I run hot too. I’m always wearing one or two layers fewer than everybody else. I don’t think it’s an age thing. People mention it all the time. Sometimes I wonder if they think my mother didn’t dress me right.

    Reply ↓
    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      My friend ran into this issue with her kid, who runs very warm. Friend had to tell her kid she *had* to wear a coat to school in the winter so that the school wouldn’t call CPS on her.

      Her warm kid and I are nicely complementary to each other, since I run cold. When I visit and my hands are cold, I just put my hands on the kid’s neck or face (with consent, of course) and I cool her off while warming up my hands. :-)

      Reply ↓
  16. Overthinking It*

    Also, I think you may feel more tolerant of your co-workers comments if you recognize how seeing you make THEM feel – and I mean *cold* not maternal! I give my good friend hell all the time about wearing shorts in winter, but that’s about MY sense of cold – a chill runs though me when I see her bare legs, and I shiver inside! (She’s very tolerant and just smiles.)

    Reply ↓
  17. TheBunny*

    #1

    I’m part penguin so I relate. Everyone in my office building has a space heater for their space…except for me.

    The simple solution…bring a coat you don’t wear. I carry it with me and no one seems to care that I don’t bother to put it on for the short walk to the lot, because I have a ciat.

    Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I used to have a big woolen shawl-scarf for this exact reason. I didn’t even wear it, I just sort of had it hanging off my neck and voila, a lot less anxiety from my coworkers.

        Reply ↓
  18. Mad scientist*

    LW2; There is a product known as second skin that you can put over your tattoo that will allow you to wear pants. I put it on and went swimming the day I got my most recent tattoo. Like a sticky version of glad/saran wrap available at the pharmacy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dr. Rebecca*

      Not to “mother” you but…even with second skin, you’re really not supposed to go swimming for at least 48 hours, preferably a week. It’s not 100% effective, particularly with skin types that run oily-er or certain medical conditions (ask me how Elhers-Danlos effects adhesion…) and if it comes off, was improperly applied, tears for some reason, or whatever, your tattoo can get damaged or infected.

      Reply ↓
  19. Beanie Boo*

    Im from Melbourne Australia where the weather is highly temperamental.
    But since I run hot I am rarely seen wearing a jacket unless im at the Snow.

    Even so my Dad will chastise my brother for not clothing my baby nephew in socks, a beanie, jacket and long pants…on a 22 degree Celcius sunny day.

    Reply ↓
    1. GammaGirl1908*

      Poor nephew. I remember once reading someone commenting that when she had her daughter, she would bundle the baby up until Baby looked cozy to her, and then Baby would scream and cry and tear at her clothes.

      It was now like 20 years later, and Baby was a college student somewhere like Syracuse University (VERY far north, with brutal winters, for the non-US readers), because she REALLY didn’t want to be hot. She had declined a full ride to somewhere like the University of Florida (way south), because she was horrified by the idea of a hot-weather college.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dog momma*

        Syracuse hasn’t had much cold or snow for the past several yrs. Under he polar vortex has come all the way down to Florida, plus the blizzard in the midwest, so its a return to actual winter for them

        Reply ↓
      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        My daughter was born in January and HATED wearing hats pretty much from birth. She was a perfectly jolly baby until you put a hat on her head and then she screamed like the girl in The Exorcist. Mostly we were going from the car to a building so I tucked a blanket around her and she was fine. My standard response to “why don’t you have a hat on that child?” was “so people like you have something to say to me.”

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          My daughter hated bike helmets (she was older, around a year). Still she wasn’t going anywhere on a bike without one. She stopped her protests once she realized that putting on that unpleasant helmet means a nice bike ride. :)

          Reply ↓
      3. JMC*

        My oldest kid hated mittens of any sort and it looked like her hands were freezing but she was fine. She would fight wearing them every step of the way. My youngest kid hated socks or shoes and even as a newborn would wriggle her socks off. If her feet felt like icicles she didn’t care. Personally I run hot and generally wear a hoodie in the winter unless I plan to spend serious time outdoors.

        Reply ↓
    2. londonedit*

      Oh, people have Strong Feelings about babies and clothing. I don’t have children myself, but I remember friends of mine being literally reduced to tears because they’d put a lovely photo of their baby on Facebook or Instagram, only to be met with a load of concern-trolling ‘friends’ going ‘That baby should be wearing a hat!!!’ ‘No boots??? In this weather???’ ‘Get that baby out of the sun!!!!!!!’ In the end they were having to add caveats to everything they posted (‘Don’t worry, she was only in the sun for two seconds while I took this photo, and she’s covered in SPF 50!!’, ‘Rest assured he does have a hat and socks, I just can’t get him to keep them on for more than two minutes! Put them back on him straight after I took this!!!’) It makes me very sad – as if trying to look after a baby wasn’t stressful enough without people shaming you for not having a hat on your child 24/7.

      Reply ↓
  20. WoodswomanWrites*

    #4 — Tell the person who is job-hunting that asking a new employer to honor his vacation time from a completely unrelated employer is certain to torpedo his next job.

    If he brings it up in an interview, they will question his judgment and he might not be offered the role. If he brings it up after he’s hired, they will question his judgment and they’ll have a negative impression of him which is a terrible way to be perceived in a brand new job.

    Regardless of where he heard the incorrect information, he needs to drop it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jill Swinburne*

      Yeah, and it will probably go down in the annals of ‘strange interviewees’ for that firm. There will be uncontained mirth in the room as soon as the interviewee leaves.

      Consider for a second. Why would a new employer take the liability of holiday pay accrued through work for a completely different firm? There’s nothing whatsoever in it for them, and the notion is, quite frankly, batshit. I imagine they got their wires crossed somewhere about internal moves, or having it paid out on ceasing employment.

      Reply ↓
      1. el l*

        Yes, thought so too. Think the guy heard what they wanted to hear.

        Think of the coordination between 2 companies required to roll over the PTO. They don’t necessarily have any reason to cooperate on this, they will have compliance requirements that make this move somewherebetween complicated and impossible…and no real incentive to make Moving Employee happy. That’s what the money is for.

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Although honestly, it’s basically semantics between asking them to match your current leave – which is often not possible but certainly a real thing people try to get – and having them “roll over” your existing leave, which nobody would agree to. So I feel for the employee here.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Hmm. I had four weeks of annual leave. When I retired, I had two weeks I hadn’t taken and my employer paid me for the time. If I’d asked to have that rolled over to a new employer, it would have meant I’d have six weeks that year, not the four that would match my previous job.

          Reply ↓
        2. el l*

          Meh, not quite semantics. “Rollover” means you literally start where you left off at Old Employer. “Match” means you have to build it up over time, obeying any limits New Employer has, etc.

          And honestly, that’s why I think the situation is, they’re hearing what they want to hear. Starting a new job means starting over in some important ways, this is one of them, and they’re bargaining with that.

          Reply ↓
    2. N C Kiddle*

      The only point in the process where it might make sense is negotiations after an offer, and even then he’d have to be careful about how he broached the subject and prepared for them to say it wasn’t an option.

      Reply ↓
    3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I don’t know if it would torpedo his next job. I don’t think he should use the words rollover. But I do think it wouldn’t be bad to make sure that he has the same amount. Like if he has 3 weeks vacation and the new job starts out at 2 weeks it would be completely reasonable to ask for another week, especially if there are plans already.

      Reply ↓
    4. Momma Bear*

      I’m wondering if it’s a misunderstanding about negotiating benefits like PTO vs rolling over from one company to the next. Asking if you can have, for example, a week of PTO in the bank when you start is much more understandable. My company starts everyone off with a week in case of sudden emergency.

      The only time I “rolled over” PTO was a merger or other company sea change not of my choosing. We were technically a different company with mostly the same people. Some levels of benefits shifted with the acquisition so keeping what we had banked was a consolation prize. It’s otherwise all been lost or paid out.

      Reply ↓
  21. Rebeck*

    4. In other parts of the world this can be a thing that typically happens: I was able to “port” my long service leave entitlement from working for the State Government (school library) to working for a municipal government (public library) and if I’d moved between municipal governments that would have also been true. Now that I work in academic libraries long service leave is definitely portable between institutions and it’s possible that rec leave balances are as well?

    Not the US, but just making the point that it’s not unheard of.

    Reply ↓
    1. Carole from Accounts*

      In Germany, if you leave a job with accrued vacation, they either have to let you take the vacation during your notice period or pay you for the unused days. However if you leave a job during the year and you’ve taken more vacation than the statutory entitlement prorated to your leave date, your new employer can request a certificate from the old employer and reduce your allowance at your new job for the remainder of your first calendar year.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        If I remember correctly, if you took less than the prorated statutory entitlement at the old employer, you can also request to transfer that. It seems like a faff and a half though, which is why most people just take the leave at the old employer (and most people don’t even know it’s possible). It also depended on whether it’s the first or second half of the year, but I can never remember those rules for more than 5 minutes after reading up on them.

        Reply ↓
        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, my sister did that when moving to her current workplace but it’s been five or so years now and, like you, I don’t remember the specifics.

          Reply ↓
        2. amoeba*

          Ah, true, I thought there was something like that but don’t think I know anybody who actually did it (instead of just taking the vacation). The typical three month notice periods tend to make that quite easy compared to the US two weeks, I guess…

          Reply ↓
      2. londonedit*

        That’s interesting – here in the UK if you have unused holiday when you leave a job, then you can either arrange to take it during your notice period or the company will pay you for the unused days in your final pay packet. But if you’ve used more holiday than you had technically accrued, then usually the official line is that you’ll be asked to pay that back (by having the equivalent amount deducted from your final pay packet). I say ‘technically accrued’ because while holiday time does accrue here, usually you’re given your full allowance at the start of each year (whether that’s done by calendar year or financial year or however the company deals with holiday allowance) and you can book holiday from the word go, you don’t have to wait for it to accrue. In practice, I think it’s a fairly rare occurrence for someone to have used more holiday than they’d accrued – unless maybe they’d taken a big holiday at the start of the year and then left in April or something – and in practice I think it’s somewhat rare for an employer to actually insist on you paying the money back – maybe if it was a week’s holiday they would, but for one or two days they’d probably just agree to write it off.

        Reply ↓
        1. londonedit*

          …and what I meant to say with all of that is that any outstanding holiday issues are wrapped up when you leave a company, none of it follows you to your new job. You start again with a holiday allowance at your new company (pro-rated if you start after the holiday year has begun).

          Reply ↓
        2. Bagpuss*

          My experience is that it is pretty standard to recoup it but normally it’s just worked out and taken form the final pay packet, so there’s no request, it’s just part of the vcalculation of your final wage.

          It’s quite common for people to have an adjustment one way of the other as peole don’t usually take leave evenly through the year although often it’s fairly small amounts – a day or two one way or the other.

          It’s very common in my experience where people have accrued more than they have taken for them to ask to take it in during the notice period so the last day in the office is earlier than their last day of employment, but of course sometimes the employer prefer to have them work their notice. Equally of course , depending n the amount of time and the length of the notice period , the employer may require them to use some or all of it.

          I don’t think it is common to write it off, maybe if the person was leaving due to ill health or something like that.

          Reply ↓
          1. ASD always*

            I did once get paid for an extra day’s leave on my way out of a job – my boss insisted I “use it up” after payroll had already been run, and I was leaving at the end of the pay period. When I contacted HR to apologise and ask how to make it right they essentially said it wasn’t worth the hassle and don’t worry about it, but trying to claw back a small overpayment is obviously going to be a much bigger headache than just pro-rating a payslip.

            Reply ↓
          2. londonedit*

            Could be because my experience is in publishing, which historically is not very corporate and tends to be more ad-hoc. It’s never happened to me – I’ve only ever had it where I’ve been paid for accrued holiday that I haven’t used – but I’ve had colleagues who were a day or a half day in arrears, and HR has just said don’t worry about it. But I can fully accept that in industries with more stringent adherence to the rules, it would be more common to take the money out of the final pay cheque!

            Reply ↓
        3. amoeba*

          It’s the same in Switzerland and I don’t actually think it’s super unusual – I typically take the biggest chunk of my days in summer and only keep four days or so for the end of year break – so if I changed job in, like, September, that might easily be a problem! (We accrue basically 2 days per month, so leaving at the end of August would mean I’d have to “give back” 8 of my 25 days… and I definitely didn’t have 8 left at that time last year.)

          Reply ↓
    2. GammaGirl1908*

      Even in the US, there actually are certain things that might transfer from government job to government job — maybe even between state and federal — but that is a VERY specific situation, and not the situation happening in this question.

      Reply ↓
    3. WellRed*

      My company was acquired and they rolled over our vacation plus we were able to remain at our (senior) accrual levels. But if I’d just applied to the company, I wouldn’t expect that at all.

      Reply ↓
    4. Momma Bear*

      You can bounce around federal agencies in the US and keep certain benefits, but you couldn’t bring in PTO from a corporate entity or vice versa.

      Reply ↓
  22. IT Relationship Manager*

    Tbh I miss a bit of the being the youngest in the office. I appreciated having bosses that had kids my age (young 20s) so they tended to be more invested in my general welfare beyond just work related stuff. This was especially useful as an intern when I had way less resources. I never felt babied or looked down upon. I think they were just projecting what they hoped someone else was doing for their kids.

    It’s a period that will pass with time!

    Reply ↓
    1. Survivor*

      Yeah, I felt the same way. It was tough when I realized I wasn’t one of the young ones anymore. Now I’m the experienced colleague, and I really do try to treat my young colleagues like the professionals they are, while also mentoring them and caring about their well being.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rocket Raccoon*

        I am now (in my 40s) back with the company that was my first job. I have to remind myself that I am not newbie-me, but mature-me, and to hold myself apart from the “kids” on the floor. But it sure is fun to look out for them the way older ladies once looked out for me, and even pass along some of the same advice!

        Reply ↓
  23. GoodNPlenty*

    Re: #4…..I’ve been a hospital nurse and have worked for a state government. No hospital I’ve worked at would ever consider this, you’d be asking for “credit” for work done elsewhere. Plus hospitals can be pretty tight fisted with leave to begin with. However as a state government employee, everything followed me job to job, even seniority as long as I stayed in the state system.

    But private/non-governmental hospitals? Really unlikely.

    Reply ↓
  24. Carole from Accounts*

    #1 – I just returned from a short trip outside to cool off during a hot flash, one of my favourite parts about winter in a cold climate because the rest of the year I just have to deal with sweating until it subsides. If I were in my 20’s, I would absolutely also read your coworkers’ concern as mothering, and just try to give a gray rock response about not liking them or not needing one for that particular trip, with the occasional “you’ve asked me about this before, what a strange thing to be so focused on” as escalation.

    Reply ↓
  25. Vimes*

    Re #1- Is the cold weather thing an autistic thing? Because people used to look at me funny on the street when anything north of freezing was t-shirt weather.

    My boss did tell me I wasn’t doing a good job of modeling “temperature appropriate clothing” to clients, which on the one hand is fair because I think if other people dressed that way they’d freeze, but on the other hand I should get to dress at the level that is comfortable for me.

    Also, summer is The Worst. Being hot for three months in a row UGH.

    Reply ↓
  26. duinath*

    1: I would be so tempted to uno reverse and either go “you wear a coat between the building and your car? Really?” or “are you sure your coat is warm enough? I know you run cold” but… Many people are more tolerant of scolding than I.

    Most people, I’d guess.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rocket*

      Good idea, I’d start acting like *they* are the ones that are weird and say things like “WOW, why do you need a coat?” and “it’s not that cold!”

      Reply ↓
  27. Zircon*

    #3: When I put my academic writing through an AI checker, it usually comes back as “Around 80% of this content could have been written by AI”. And I know none of it was!! I clearly write like AI!

    Reply ↓
    1. Mentally Spicy*

      Those things are notorious for producing false positives. Janelle Shane has written on her AI Weirdness blog about putting her own writing into AI checkers and getting a false positive. When she asked an LLM to rewrite her words using awful, flowery language the result came back as “likely written entirely by human”.

      Obviously this is funny but also incredibly concerning because a lot of academic institutions use these checkers and many students are being unfairly accused of cheating.

      Here’s a link to Janelle’s article. I definitely recommend reading the rest of her blog, she’s a terrific writer.
      https://www.aiweirdness.com/dont-use-ai-detectors-for-anything-important/

      Reply ↓
    2. A.P.*

      AI checkers are almost complete garbage. They have claimed that famous historical documents, like the Declaration of Independence, were AI-generated.

      There have been many issues of people being unjustly accused of using AI when they did not because of these checkers.

      Reply ↓
  28. Seal*

    #1 – I live in the northernmost part of the Upper Midwest known for its brutally cold winters. Plenty of people up here don’t bundle up when they’re going between buildings or out to the parking lot and no one bats an eye, even when it’s below zero or windy or snowing (or any combination thereof). Even the occasional student who goes out in shorts and a winter coat only merits a sign and an eye roll at best. If someone is obviously cold or showing signs of frostbite or hypothermia people will say something, but otherwise we mind our own business. Personally, I tend to bundle up regardless but think nothing of taking out the trash in pajamas and slippers on an early January morning.

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      I was going to say – it isn’t cold here in London by other countries’ standards, but it is currently dipping below 0 Celsius overnight, we have ice and frost about, and today the daytime temperature has struggled to get above about 3C. I have to walk about 100m to the bin store if I want to take the rubbish and recycling out, and I did just that this morning – but I never bother putting a coat on for that sort of distance. I just went out in my normal clothes and slippers. Of course I wouldn’t do that if I was going to work or going to the shops in this weather – but for a quick dash to and from the bins it doesn’t seem worth it putting a coat on!

      Reply ↓
      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Further west than you, and it’s below zero even now with some really exciting ice on the roads, and since I only had to go from my house to the car and from the car to the doctors I didnt bother with my epic heavy winter coat.

        Although I WISH I’d packed something to give the tyres a bit more traction on the road. That was an amusing four wheel lockup skid round the corner.

        Reply ↓
  29. Varthema*

    Regarding AI – It won’t feel like an accusation if you internalize that it’s not an *accusation*, just an observation and advice, the way you would give advice on using or not using any tool.

    Lead with the main issues, since that’s the pertinent info, and then add, “So incidentally, these are all really typical issues from generative AI, so actually, not using it is probably your best bet for avoiding them.”

    I think a lot of us consider using generative AI to be “cheating” or plagiarism, which is valid in a school context, but in a work comms context, where language is extremely formulaic, using AI as a brainstorm starting point is no different than combing through old comms and borrowing expressions and turns of phrase. (Still plagiarism to lift an entire piece wholesale, intact, but that’s not what gen AI does.) That said, AI can make it seem like what it gives you is the final product, when it should always JUST be a starting point, and you still need writing skills to know what it needs and lacks.

    Reply ↓
  30. M*

    #3 is one of those rare cases where I mildly disagree with Alison.

    LW, I’d approach this from the opposite direction. The problem is that his writing is missing key nuance, and he’s repeating mistakes you’ve raised (possibly multiple times?) before. Start there! Ask about the process he’s using to write, how he’s approaching identifying the key information to include, how he’s proofing the work. You can flag the AI possibility – “my impression of you is that you do understand the feedback I’m giving, which is why the repeat mistakes are concerning me. I sometimes see this with AI writing – is that something you’re using as part of your process? If so, we need to talk about which kinds of tasks it’s appropriate for for us” – but it’s the *output* you seem really concerned about, not any of the security/data privacy/etc issues that might come up in other contexts, so it’s the output that I’d start with.

    Reply ↓
  31. Audrey Puffins*

    LW 2, contact your artist immediately to talk about your options. They know their work and the tools of the trade, and will be able to advise if something like Second Skin and loose pants will be fine for getting you through the rest of the work week.

    If they strongly advised that I would not be able to get through the next couple of days in the office, I would speak honestly to my manager, explaining that I am getting a birthday tattoo, I have spoken to my artist, they advise against going into the office for those two days, and would the manager rather I work from home (getting a huge birthday tattoo is obviously not something that’s going to happen all the time so it’s not like you’re establishing a pattern) or take the two days as vacation. I know you don’t want to eat through your vacation time, but it would be better than rescheduling, right? It took me 14 months to get in with my artist of choice, so I consider rescheduling to a Friday to be a last resort piece of advice rather than presented as your best course of action here.

    Reply ↓
      1. Metadata Janktress*

        That’s what I’m thinking too, if they’re so resistant to WFH in the first place. Second skin/looser bottoms is the way to go, honestly. When I got my calf pieces, I wore things that weren’t skin tight, e.g. skinny jeans, and I was fine even without a wrapper of some sort. I was very, VERY careful about cleaning the tattoo on a regular basis though.

        Reply ↓
      2. Audrey Puffins*

        Yes, but if the other option is delaying a much-looked-forward-to tattoo for an unknown-but-possibly-large number of months, then the OP might reluctantly decide that using PTO is the lesser of two evils, which is why I suggested offering it as a “you can have me working, or you can have me out of the office” choice. Hopefully making it binary will lead the manager towards “I would rather have you working from home”. (Hopefully the OP’s tattoo artist will be able to offer sage wisdom on being in the office with a fresh lower back tattoo and the whole thing will be moot!) :)

        Reply ↓
    2. umami*

      I kinda feel like this being the third request is the bigger reason to deny it, because you don’t want the employee to think they can WFH every time they have what they believe is a ‘valid’ reason. Every reason can be valid, but this company is not on board, so I wouldn’t even ask again to avoid coming across as that person always trying to circumvent the rules.

      Reply ↓
  32. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    It’s really cold in the UK this week, and I had exactly the same conversation with my coworkers yesterday. We have small Tesco (convenience store) literally 200m from the front door of our office, so I popped over there yesterday morning to grab a famous ‘meal deal’ sandwich, crisps and can of Coke. There was UPROAR that I was going out without my coat! To go 200m to a shop! It would have taken me longer to get my coat out of the ‘coat wardrobe’, put it on and zip it up than it did for me to go and buy the blasted BLT in the first place!

    Reply ↓
  33. Indisch blau*

    Personally, I like the “I’m part yeti” argument. I think I’d add, “I don’t wear a coat until it gets down to x degrees.”
    I rarely use a hair dryer and will go out in the cold with wet hair, so I get concerned remarks about that. Not at work though.

    Reply ↓
  34. cncx*

    Re #3, I work in a field where we use multiple languages and had a coworker use generative AI for a language he spoke well but hadn’t studied formally. The tone was all off and it was blatantly obvious. I wound up rewriting a good bit of his documentation. The issue is, like all translation and writing tools, is when people don’t go back through and clean up. For example, in my weaker language, I do use deepl in a time crunch to check my endings- but I still go back and make sure it sounds like me, using the words I would use, using the words our company uses where an ai would have another word. The real issue, which will become even bigger in the coming decade, is people don’t know how to write.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mentally Spicy*

      The issue for me is this intersection between AI and the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Non-creative people love AI because they get to produce creative work, but they don’t know enough about what they’re trying to create to know if it’s any good or not.

      I believe we’re starting to drown in a flood of very mediocre art, produced by people who have no idea how mediocre it is. Maybe, though, to put an optimistic spin on it, creative people in a creative industry like me may become MORE valued, as people increasingly want human-made creative work. I’m hoping so, anyway!

      Reply ↓
      1. Beany*

        Some months ago I saw a post shared by several friends who work in the creative arts, about how the future was supposed to be machines doing the drudge work like cleaning, leaving people free to make art — and it’s turning out the other way.

        I see where they’re coming from, but a part of me also thinks that if their art can be replaced by machine so easily, then perhaps their art isn’t really very artistic. Or perhaps it is, but the public consumer isn’t sophisticated enough to know the difference. And perhaps these two viewpoints are really saying the same thing — art should be a personal endeavor, not a commercial product.

        Reply ↓
        1. Tea Monk*

          But what should we do with all the extra people out of work? the customer is getting worse art ( because the art is not actually replacable by machines- companies just like not paying more than they want a decent product) and we’re getting a huge societal issue. Fun.

          Reply ↓
        2. Texan In Exile*

          The only reason their art can be replaced by a machine is because that machine is learning/copying their art.

          The machine is creating nothing original. It depends on human artistry.

          Reply ↓
    2. Morning Reader*

      Weighing in on #2: I think it’s reasonable to plan to do elective, recreational activities that will require recovery time on a day when you already have days off after. Like a typical Friday. But LW2 already has a schedule, so I suggest a loose flowy dress. No bra (if across affected area) so pair with a thick, warm but loose cardigan.
      Much depends on what you do physically in your job. Sitting in chair all day? Perhaps a slanket.

      Reply ↓
  35. bibliotecaria*

    I can’t see where in #2 the letter writer mentions being new to their job? They mention the wfh policy being new. I’m curious a) whether it’s just too early in the morning for my reading comp to kick in and b) if their tenure in the role has a significant impact on the answer.

    Also, unless the manager is likely to have some particular hang-up about tattoos, I think I would just be honest about my reason for wanting to work from home! But I appreciate it depends on your relationship and the culture of the workplace.

    Reply ↓
    1. Allonge*

      I was also a bit confused about the new thing and to be honest also the status of remote work – is it banned or not?

      Anyway, I do agree that I would suggest being honest about the reason of wanting to work from home.

      LW, do you have anyone in your team or management you can run this past? It’s not that outrageous and at least you would get a quick yes/no. I would go for something like ‘I have a remote work question, I am planning to get a tattoo next Wednesday and as it will be hard to wear professional clothing in the days after, I wanted to check if I could work from home on Thursday and Friday. Do you think this is a possibility? I would be working on X and Z tasks’.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        I re-read the letter and I also don’t see where the letter writer mentions being new. I think that’s a mis-read of “new policy.”

        For your question “is remote work banned or not” I think that regular/recurring remote work is banned (ex. “I work remotely on Wednesdays and Thursdays” or “I work remotely every other Friday”). Occasional remote work is still allowed “if there are extenuating circumstances” (ex. “can I work remotely this Tuesday because I have a plumber coming to the house?”).

        Reply ↓
      2. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I’m assuming this is Philadelphia given the description and timing of when this went into effect, and as far as I understand it, remote work is pretty fully forbidden for city workers. I’m sure it varies some from team to team, but the new policy is absurdly strict. The only exception I’ve heard about the “no remote work” policy was this Monday, when city offices were closed for a snow day and workers were told to work remotely if they were able. Honestly, I hope they all claimed to be mysteriously unable to work remotely, because the whole thing is ridiculous.

        Reply ↓
        1. PhilaEmployee*

          Yeah this sounded exactly like Philadelphia. I can confirm the policy is extremely strict. A few people have gotten permission for literal one-off days–stuff like “the cable guy is coming”–but never anything medical. (And the snow day on Monday this week.)

          Reply ↓
          1. tattoo-having LW2*

            Hi, colleague! Same in my department. Cable guy, plumber, etc, are all acceptable reasons. I am wondering (but doubtful) if I’ll be allowed to work remote for a recurring Dr appt every other week – it would be ideal, but obviously this policy is far from ideal.

            Reply ↓
        2. tattoo-having LW2*

          Bingo. I did not work on Monday because why would I have brought my laptop home over the weekend? The email we got telling us to WFH should have come on Friday if they actually wanted us to be prepared.

          Reply ↓
  36. Harriet Wimsey*

    Maybe LW1 could say they are from Newcastle in northern England? Geordies are well-known for not wearing coats in sub-zero temperatures, to the extent that police issued a hypothermia warning in 2010 (BBC new web site)

    Reply ↓
    1. Bernicia*

      We are, but that’s partly prioritising style over comfort and also alcohol related, so less relevant at work.

      Though I only recently found out the rest of the local dog walkers – in Scotland – find it hilarious that I never actually do up my winter coat.

      (See also the absolute classic Vic and Bob’s Geordie of the Antarctic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxXbpHeIrUc )

      Reply ↓
  37. Kelly*

    LW4, I work in the government system in secondary eduction in my state. I can change schools to abitr government school, but I’ll be ultimately employed by the same employer, so in that case I technically move jobs but keep leave accrual. I can’t imagine completely separate place doing that though.

    Reply ↓
  38. Rebecca*

    LW 1 – I am a Canadian who lives in France, and all of Paris turns into my mother when I don’t wear a coat. Our metric for ‘too cold’ is very, very different – and they wear more Canada Goose here than they do at home.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rebecca*

      hit submit too soon.

      My solution has been to have a breezy joke ready and then to change the subject. If I try to explain at all I end up getting into an argument, and justifying myself like a ten year old for not wearing a coat when it’s 12 degrees C and I’m going to be outside for 10 minutes.

      In my case the breezy joke is easy – “I’m Canadian, we’re made of ice, how was your weekend?” – and it got so boring that people I see regularly don’t bother any more. Your go to joke might be a harder stretch to find, but once you find it, stick to it like a script until they roll their eyes and laugh when you start to say it.

      Reply ↓
    2. Beany*

      I have a friend from the US who found herself living in Germany for a few years when she had a young baby to take care of. She said as soon as the weather turned chilly, she was inundated with unsolicited advice from older women about bundling up her child and the Importance of Hats.

      Reply ↓
      1. amoeba*

        Oh, yes, that’s absolutely a thing! Do you not have that in the US? I honestly always thought that was international! (And I don’t even have kinds, but I’ve heard that kind of story from SO MANY friends…)

        Reply ↓
        1. londonedit*

          Same here in the UK – hospital maternity wards are generally heated to somewhere approaching the temperature of the sun, and yet the nurses and midwives will insist on all the babies wearing hats at all times. You’re pretty much not allowed to take your child home from hospital unless it’s wearing a hat!

          Reply ↓
    3. Happy meal with extra happy*

      I (an American) spent a year in Italy, and at least where I was, we were told that Italians tended to dress based on the calendar rather than the actual weather. I remember once I wore a short sleeved dress to an event in early/mid spring on an unseasonably warm day, and multiple people were so concerned that I would be cold.

      Reply ↓
  39. Matt*

    #1: time and time again I wonder about what’s up with people who won’t leave their coworkers alone about minor private things. I don’t thing the age is the big question here, I’d find this awkward even if OP 1 and their coworkers were all the same age. I remember similar posts about walking with a cane, eating only small portions for lunch, and several other really minor issues that maybe I’d ask my coworkers once (and only once) out of curiosity, but certainly not permanently pester them about it.

    Reply ↓
  40. hera*

    Op2, look into saniderm/tegaderm. It’s a breathable adhesive originally designed for healing burns but it is perfect for putting on new tattoos to keep clothes/bedsheets/etc from sticking to them. If your tattoo artist doesn’t use it you can buy it online. Put it on after an initial wash with gentle warm water and soap but don’t put any products (tattoo goo, etc) under it. Leave the tegaderm on for 4-5 days. That’ll get you through the initial healing.

    Reply ↓
  41. Guest*

    1 – I’m 55 and your coworkers sound annoying and infantilizing to me. If the same people are repeatedly bothering you about not wearing a coat, they’re being rude.

    Reply ↓
    1. Matt*

      I second this. I wondered about Alison focusing on the “age” part of the equation so much this time and finding it completely OK for nice, caring coworkers if they all were 50+. There were other similar issues in the past that were treated rather diferent. In my opinion it’s incredibly nosy to constantly nag your coworkers about minor issues like that if the question (which is OK once out of curiosity) was answered once.

      Reply ↓
  42. Michigander*

    My husband is a tour guide in Scotland. He only wears coats on the absolute coldest of days, and he often doesn’t even wear a jumper. He spends most of the year in short sleeves. He just runs warm, and he spends his whole tour walking and gesticulating so he gets even warmer. He works with some Spanish tour guides and they are always absolutely flabbergasted by what he’s wearing (or not wearing).

    Reply ↓
    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      I went to university in Scotland. People further south are often surprised when what they feel is cold doesn’t bother me.

      Reply ↓
    1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      Replace it with any other entirely elective procedure with similar consequences, then. Like if you were treating yourself to laser eye surgery for your birthday and couldn’t drive for two days but could work from home – it’s ridiculous, but with the policies and history as presented in the letter, you’d probably still need to take vacation time rather than work from home. The fact that the procedure in LWs case is a tattoo isn’t really relevant, and the opinion of random strangers about tattoos generally is even less so.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seashell*

        Laser eye surgery seems like the kind of thing you could get a doctor’s note for, since it’s treatment of a medical problem that affects your functioning. I would think “entirely elective” is more like getting Botox because you don’t like your wrinkles.

        Reply ↓
      2. WellRed*

        I don’t think the tattoo is totally irrelevant (it should be). But in a stuffy office (govt could be), people are going to mentally put LASIK eye surgery in a medical category and therefore view it differently.

        Reply ↓
        1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          Oh, agreed that a stuffy office would view the two procedures differently! But this tattoo would be covered by clothing and there’s really no need for LW to tell them about the tattoo. “Hey, I’ll be taking the day off for an appointment. I won’t be able to come in to the office for a couple days after while I heal up, but it’s really minor – I could still work from home if that’s ok with you?”
          The difficulty is that their office discourages WFH, and they’ve already used the WFH flexibility more than their peers. They’ve probably maxed out the tolerance on this, regardless of their reasons for needing more WFH time.

          Reply ↓
          1. boof*

            Hm, I do think something that is entirely cosmetic is very different than something that helps maintain physical function. Whether or not LASIK qualifies as cosmetic I suppose could be debated / depends a lot on the situation, ie, maybe for some people the glasses/contacts are a lot more difficult for whatever reason (highly physical jobs, sensitivities, etc)

            Reply ↓
  44. Nathan*

    LW3: My one caveat is that I’ve been accused of using an LLM before when I have not. My brain is just…shall we say “annoyingly precise?” and it turns out the grammatical and structural formula employed by most LLMs is chosen for a reason: it lays out the information in an easy-to-digest format while still seeming fairly conversational in tone.

    It can be frustrating to be accused in this manner because sometimes I can tell that when I deny using AI to help me write, the accuser does not believe me. And really, that accusation is almost non-falsifiable! How CAN I prove that all this text came from my own brain?

    Personally, I would have the conversation that Alison described but minus the AI content. Just say “I’ve been having to make the same changes to your writing time after time. Let’s brainstorm how you can change so we can stop this pattern in the future”. Then maybe on a separate occasion you can tell the entire team “I just want to remind everyone about our organization’s AI policy: we have very strong reasons for not accepting AI-generated content, and if we find out you have been using AI to do your writing your job could be at risk.”

    If the pattern continues after those two conversations, it might be worth bringing it up with this employee specifically. But given the frustrating nature of an incorrect AI accusation (and how it can sometimes marginalize or demonize neurodivergent people), I wouldn’t jump there immediately.

    Reply ↓
  45. Nep*

    #1 – I’m 40, I hate wearing coats on short trips for the exact same reasons. I’ve been skipping coats unless necessary for 15 years now. I still hear this from coworkers and little old ladies at the grocery store. I hate it so much.

    It is a little easier when I hear it from people my age or younger, I’ll admit.

    I have no advice but keep a couple quips in your pocket, grit your teeth, and vent about it later.

    Signed – It is less than a minute walk from the store to my car and I’ll be in the grocery store for an hour, why would I wear a coat and be miserable for that long, yes I am cold and I don’t hate it, please stop commenting on me forever everyone who I haven’t invited to do so, thank you.

    Reply ↓
  46. Cabbagepants*

    #1 if possible you could leave a visibly warm winter coat at your desk at work, so people know you have one.

    it’s silly but could work. I HATE umbrellas and would rather be rained on, but people never believed me and would rush to share their umbrella with me. Nice but unwanted. so now I carry a small, closed umbrella when it’s raining. it stops the comments.

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  47. Mizzle*

    Being allowed to transfer vacation days to a new job is actually legally required in the Netherlands (not sure about the rest of Europe). This applies only to the four weeks of legally mandated vacation time, not to any extra days that might be in your contract.

    The way it works is that your current company supplies a statement about how many days you had remaining *and pays out these vacation days*. The new employer is then required to allow you to take those days – unpaid, as far as they are concerned, but they were paid for by the old company.

    (I’ve never heard of anyone using this, though.)

    Reply ↓
  48. Befuzzled*

    OP 1- take your least favorite coat and hang it from the back of your chair/somewhere in the office. That will alleviate any concerns that you don’t have a coat, and can reinforce that you’re choosing not to wear one. To be clear – you shouldn’t have to do something performative like this, but practically it will likely help.

    Reply ↓
    1. Annony*

      Yep. I think part of the concern is that they think she doesn’t have a coat. If she clearly does and is obviously choosing not to wear it, hopefully they will stop expressing so much concern.

      Reply ↓
  49. Mouse named Anon*

    #1- I was very much you in my 20s and honestly until just recently too. I turn 40 next month. My coat (now that I can’t the cold as much in my “elderly” state lol) is a loose fitting fleece jacket. I can’t stand the feeling of tight layers. Unless I am outside for a long time, I usually don’t wear bulky coats etc. I usually explained it as, I had a long drive and got hot on the way home in the car. I tried to just move on from co-workers or others recoiling in horror as I didn’t wear a coat.

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  50. Anon here today*

    LW #2: if you happen to work for a large legal law enforcement office in an east coast city and the grandboss you speak of is the elected, he would probably be fine with it—just don’t put it in writing.

    —(hopefully) your colleague in this new inanity

    Reply ↓
  51. HonorBox*

    OP5 – I’d be all for telling Barb to keep your name out of her out of office messages. In reading your message, it didn’t feel to me that Barb’s absences were either REALLY long or that projects needed to be kept warm while she was gone. Maybe I’m wrong here… If things do need to keep moving along, how difficult would it be for Barb to send an email to her points of contact, copying you, letting them know that she’ll be out from _____ to ______ and they should contact you while she’s gone. It would be even better if she could set some expectations for anyone she is anticipating hearing from while she’s out so you know what might be coming in. It might take a little more proactive work on her part, but gives you some background for what you’ll be receiving and from whom and is more specifically communicating with only those who would need to be sending you messages in Barb’s absence.

    Reply ↓
  52. One HR Opinion*

    #1 – I try to frame advice from/to people of a different age group as more of a big sis/little sis advice. This usually helps with the optics.

    And for what it’s worth, my own sister says, “I could be comfortable in a meat locker” when people ask about her missing coat.

    Reply ↓
    1. Texan In Exile*

      (Even my cousin in northern Wisconsin keeps a coat hanging by the meat locker at her deer-processing plant. :) )

      Reply ↓
  53. Longtimelurker*

    Something about 5 isn’t clicking for me. First, has OP actually seen the OOO messages? They mention “ I didn’t check the other two times, but I’m guessing she listed me then as well.” To me that implies they haven’t seen the first two OOO messages, and I couldn’t tell if they’d been contacted more than this one time. Also, is it possible that the latest fault is with the person trying to contact Barb? I think a lot of people may see a name and email listed in an OOO and just go straight to contacting them, without reading the context of what they should be contacted for.

    Obviously this is conjecture since we haven’t seen the original OOO message, but it wasn’t clear to me that a) LW5 has seen all the OOO messages and noted the error and b) if they’ve been contacted enough times for this to really be an issue. I think OOO errors like this one are pretty common and not cause for labeling as “drama.” It’s just email.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pocket Mouse*

      Exactly – if Barb is working on projects X, Y, and Z and lists OP as an alternate contact for project X but no contacts appear for the other projects in the OOO message, someone could easily think “Barb and OP work on some projects together, maybe OP can help me with my question about project Y—I’ll ask!”

      OP, it’s a small and very, very normal thing to say “I’m not involved in that, here’s who I’d suggest contacting.” Even if that suggestion is Barb. But maybe you also know who can be contacted about it in Barb’s absence too. Be as helpful as you can be in a 1-2 sentence email and move on with life.

      Reply ↓
  54. Harper*

    LW1 – you are not alone. I am not neurodivergent (as far as I know) but I am perimenopausal, which means I run hot too. I absolutely f*cking despise wearing coats, especially heavy ones. They’re too hot in the car or in stores, but taking them off and carrying them around is a total pain. I’m short, so it always feels like the bulkiest part of the coat gets shoved up around my neck. I can’t freely move my arms. They feel like straight jackets. LOL. Just absolutely despise them. If it’s above 30F, it’s just easier all the way around for me to go without one. My ultimate goal is to move somewhere warm so I can rid myself of winter attire forever.

    Reply ↓
  55. Safely Retired*

    #5 I can’t help but wonder if the OP has called to hear the actual out of office message. One possibility is that it is not specific about what things might be handled by the OP. However if it is specific – call OP for Project X – human nature is such that some callers will ignore that and contact the OP anyway. Once the OP has the actual message they can be specific as to what is wrong with it, even if a basic “never use my name” is all it comes down to.

    Reply ↓
    1. Safely Retired*

      Also, rather than “I’m not sure why she listed me as the contact”, how about “I told her not to list me as a contact.”

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        I said that of course she could list me for project X that we were working on together. But I didn’t know her other work, so I didn’t want to be listed as the contact for those other efforts. A few months later, we had more or less the same conversation. Barb asked to list me in her out-of-offfice; I said only for the project that we were working on together.

        How can OP that when they have in fact told Barb twice what she was allowed to list OP as a contact (but only for one project)?

        Reply ↓
  56. Jules the 3rd*

    LW1: I have to disagree with Alison a little here.

    It is absolutely because of age.

    I am in my 50s and yeah, struggling not to ‘mom’ at some of my coworkers. Your current coworkers are ‘mom’ing at you, your perception is correct. Do not doubt yourself.

    However, Alison is right about one thing: you aren’t going to be able to change their behavior much. You can mainly change how you feel about and react to it. Is it possible for you to see this as coming from a place of sincere caring, and appreciate the niceness, even though you know it’s age related?

    Practical advice: I’d keep doing the ‘part yeti’ jokes, and maybe find the biggest gossip (or worst repeat offender) around and include ‘yeah, I’ve always run warm’ in a conversation with her inside, while you’re not wearing a coat. Some ‘drove my mom crazy!’ anecdote may remind them that they are not your mom. But consistent, cheerful thanks for their concern will make it go away eventually, and consistent competence over time will solve the rest of it. Just try not to let it get to you while you’re working it out.

    ps: while I don’t run hot, I feel ya on the sensory issues, I have my own set. It’s challenging to manage some of those around groups that don’t have them.

    Reply ↓
  57. Judge Judy and Executioner*

    #1 – I hate wearing coats while driving. I prefered to be cold for the 100′ walk from my car to the office, because like LW1, I hate being hot, and get warm quickly. I had a boss who was an older woman (I am also a woman) and would comment on it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I started saying this: “I don’t like wearing a coat in the car, but I keep a coat in my car for emergencies or if I need to pump gas,” and that seemed to help somewhat. She would still comment on my lack of coat, but I would reiterate that I had one, I just wasn’t wearing it.

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  58. Rajacat*

    #1 – Agree that your coworkers should leave you alone. I also wonder if this is question of optics.

    I live in a four season climate and was taught I didn’t need to wear a coat, but I needed to have one with me, especially when driving.

    Not wearing a coat and not having one nearby reads as inexperienced and raises questions about your judgement.

    Reply ↓
    1. Adultier Adult*

      This made me laugh out loud. It 100 percent depends where you live and where you are from. I could make it 362 days a year without a jacket- the three days I need it, I can also walk quickly inside and just be cold. It has nothing to do with one’s judgment.

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  59. mango chiffon*

    I am confused about LW5. It sounds like Barb has been out of office 3 times and in all of that time only one person mistakenly contacted LW? Something feels off because this reaction seems a bit extreme. Yeah it’s annoying if someone contacts you and you’re not the right person, but it’s not clear what the out of office message said and to jump to this is “drama” seems extreme. Maybe you need to just talk to Barb and tell her not to put your name down in the future?

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    1. Colette*

      It sounds like this time, the OP was the only person listed, even though she can only cover a small portion of Barb’s work. At best, that’s not great on Barb’s part – if shes’s going to only list one person, it should be someone who is aware enough of her work to be able to direct questions to the appropriate person. (Her manager might be the right person, and if I were the OP, that’s who I would have directed the inquiry to.)

      Reply ↓
      1. bamcheeks*

        Only if they need addressing. One or two non-urgent emails going to the wrong person and getting a “sorry I can’t help you with that, but Barb is back in next week” or even being ignored simply isn’t a problem that needs to be solved.

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    2. bamcheeks*

      I was thinking exactly this. LW is either massively overreacting to one (1!) email in nearly 12 months, or the problem is actually the bigger pattern.

      I do not agree that it’s standard to give a detailed OOP listing multiple different people for different projects: I’ve only seen that for people who are going on extended absences, who have a very active inbox with multiple projects/activities with very short timescales which need urgent responses, or who are just unnecessarily anxious about going away. But every office I’ve worked in, “contact X if you have a query about ~project that might need an urgent response” and assume that everyone else will wait until you get back is the norm. And yes, one or two people might try, “I am not sure if you’re the right person for this but since Barb is out…” — but that’s not in Barb’s control and for me the bar for it being a problem that needs addressjng is a lot higher than one email a year!

      Reply ↓
      1. mango chiffon*

        Yeah the LW mentions a pattern of Barb acting a certain way, but just based on what is in this post, I don’t see it. If there is something else about the working relationship between LW and Barb, it’s unclear here. Maybe it is a problem, but this out of office message isn’t the right battle to pick.

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    3. HB*

      I was also a little confused at first because it didn’t seem like a huge deal, but at the same time I have a coworker who has been in this industry longer than I have, and there have been multiple instances of him asking things that just… don’t quite align with the experience he should have.

      So if the LW’s exact situation happened to me with this Coworker… I would also be really annoyed, but *not* because I was contacted about something I had nothing to do with, but because this coworker doesn’t seem to be picking up things they should. The LW doesn’t seem to have a problem with being listed with respect to specific projects, but after answering that question *twice*, Barb didn’t absorb the “only for X” part and just listed the LW as the only point of contact for questions. Even if the OOO message said specifically that LW was the person to ask questions about X project, the fact that they were the only person listed means that either Barb doesn’t know (or care) to figure out the contacts for the other projects, or was fine with implying that LW was the point of contact for *all* questions. Or conversely, Barb may have just said “If you have any questions, contact LW.” It’s not the world’s *most* inappropriate thing, but it’s a bad sign from someone who is supposed to be your peer.

      Reply ↓
  60. CTA*

    #5

    For the first occurrence, I would tell Barb that a coworker contacted you because you were listed in the OOO message and ask Barb to remove you from the OOO message. It’s possible she just forgot to remove you, though I don’t know the exact wording of the message. Put you request in writing.

    If it happens again, I’d gently mention it to Barb’s manager or your manager. Hearing it from a manager should stop this. Some folks might say that’s extreme, but if you ask and it doesn’t happen then my opinion is don’t let it go on longer than it should.

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  61. Dawn*

    LW1: I think you need to get more direct with your responses in this case. Rather than tell your coworkers you’re part yeti, just tell them straight up that you don’t like putting on a coat for a short walk.

    Sometimes directness is your friend, and that’s not a statement you have to soften.

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  62. Dawn*

    LW3: Bear in mind that practically every word processor is building in “rewrite your work with AI!” or “AI grammar check” or whatever the heck they’re using is calling it and some people aren’t even aware that it’s effectively the same thing as ChatGPT because the software is presenting it as something akin to spellcheck. Even Notepad has it now. So you might need to spell out explicitly that even if their word processor has a “rewrite” button of any sort, they can’t use it.

    Reply ↓
  63. Blarg*

    I think #1 is about age but also gender. People are just ok with saying things to women about their bodies. I spent years running cold, always wearing an extra layer in the office, and having people comment about it, often about my body size (“you’d be warmer if you had more meat on your bones”). Now, in menopause, its “aren’t you freezing” or similar. I just don’t see this happening to men.

    When to comment on someone’s appearance or choice of clothes: when you have information they may not have AND that is useful to them, i.e. your shoelaces are untied, or ‘did you see it started pouring’ if it really did just start, etc.

    When not to comment: all the other times.

    OP, I feel you. It is infantilizing. I’d probably go with a don’t even stop walking kind of attitude; “thanks” or “I’m good” and then decline to engage further. Depending on the person, I might go as far as a “been dressing myself for x years now, I’ve got this” but only if I could pull off the right tone.

    Reply ↓
    1. LW1*

      Yes, I have noticed that there’s more body talk at work than I would like that probably has to do with gendered stuff. To use a euphemism, I’m very top-heavy and have had multiple coworkers (only ever other women, at this workplace and a previous one) bring it up out of nowhere in ways that make me uncomfortable but not to the point of harassment.

      Love your explanation on commenting on people’s appearances. I’ve heard it as “don’t comment unless it’s something they can change in five seconds” (food in teeth, something stuck to clothes, fly is down, etc.)

      Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      “you’d be warmer if you had more meat on your bones” Whoah, that’s vastly more offensive than commenting on clothing and the weather.

      Reply ↓
  64. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I think everyone above has covered the coat issue from most angles, but one thing I didn’t see mentioned was how it relates to you being the youngest in the office and perceived as young.

    People have talked about it as concerns about experience/judgment (e.g. living in a cold climate and making sure to at least have it in your car in case there’s an emergency), but the other judgment angle it reminded me of was teenagers who refuse to dress appropriately for the weather because it’s not “cool”. That’s not what you’re doing, but almost everyone has encountered young people like that and, if you’re young, I can see them making that mental connection unconsciously.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lady Danbury*

      Yup, I was surprised that wasn’t touched on in the response. Obviously that doesn’t mean OP has to wear a coat to appease their coworker’s opinions, but they should be aware that this may consciously or unconsciously impact some of her coworkers’ assessment of her judgment, especially as one of the younger people in the office. Is that fair? Nope.

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    2. LW1*

      OP here, and I indeed used to be that kid/teen who drove my mother bananas–not to be cool, but because I hated wearing a coat that much and would overheat in the mall/store/post office/whatever. I lost many coats by immediately shedding them upon arrival and forgetting them when I left.

      I totally get the mental connection you’re talking about, especially since I’ve had one coworker say something to the tune of “you remind me of my kid that way!”

      I do keep a puffer coat in my car, along with a scarf, pair of gloves, and ginormous ice scraper/brush.

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  65. spiriferida*

    1 – I might make a joke out of it, if you don’t want to bother with a coat! Don’t just say you’re fine, be a little bit hyperbolic about it, in a lighthearted way. “Oh, I’ll break out the coat when it’s ten below!” “I’m practicing for the polar bear plunge.” “It gets my heart rate up!” If they spot you coming back into the building, something like “Oh isn’t it lovely out today?”

    I wouldn’t get into whether you have a coat/where you left it at work – you’ve probably had this conversation enough at work already that you’re known as the one who doesn’t wear a coat, so at this point you can just pick lighthearted comments that reinforce that you’re doing okay.

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  66. iglwif*

    OP1, I am with you!!

    I’m not in my 20s anymore B”H, but I am short and (apparently) youthful-looking, and for some reason the older I get the hotter I run at all times. I am always wearing 1-3 fewer layers than most people around me, I’m the first to go to short sleeves in the spring and the last to switch from windbreaker to winter jacket in the fall, I spend the whole summer sweating and wondering how other people are not also sweaty, and I’ve had people tell me my winter jacket isn’t warm enough when I am standing right there wearing it and being nice and toasty. If I wore a big down parka like these people think I should, I would be overheated and miserable in seconds.

    I do not have a foolproof solution for the unsolicited commentary, alas. I come from a region that gets much colder than where I live now, which is helpful as an excuse (it’s ridiculous given that I’ve lived here for 3/5 of my life, but it does seem to work on some people). I have developed a cheerful “Oh, you’re cold? Nope, I’m good!” response that usually shuts people up in the moment, but I work remotely so I am not dealing with the same people making the same comments repeatedly in the teeth of the evidence. But if you say something like that often enough — “I’m nice and toasty like this, thanks!” or “Thanks, I’m good!” — and with enough cheery insouciance, people might get bored.

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  67. Marshmallow*

    I also run hot and rarely wear a coat and can say from experience that it is just as annoying when people your own age make comments about your ability to choose if you wear a coat or not (I’m 40 and it still happens… sometimes the people are younger than me…). I’m not sure why people make such a big deal but if you have specific offenders… I often comment back to them “omg aren’t you hot with so many layers on?” Or “why are you wearing a sweater the building is heated you know?” I find that for the egregious ones that usually sorta helps reduce the commentary.

    Otherwise you have to just keep repeating it… they’ll get used to it eventually and then when you move to a new team you’ll have to start all over. Haha!

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  68. Tobias Funke*

    This only works if you’re fat, so ymmv. But since I am 350 pounds I smile, gesture towards my body, and say “nature’s coat is right here!” People do not know what to do.

    Also, the amount of anxious rule followers telling OP she is immature and irresponsible and has poor judgment are…certainly something.

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    1. Juicebox Hero*

      I’m fat AND going through menopause, which is what I tell people who have anything to say about me having my office window cracked, a fan on, and short sleeves while they’re bundled up with heaters blasting.

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  69. MicroManagered*

    it makes me feel disrespected and not taken seriously as a fellow professional.

    I think you are personalizing this in a way that doesn’t match the situation. They are not disrespecting your professionalism (??) by asking if you have a coat… they’re making sure you HAVE a coat, in winter. You’re doing something that’s concerning, so they’re expressing concern.

    You’re annoyed, and I get why, but making it about respect and not taking you seriously, etc. is just you hurting your own feelings.

    Sometimes people have to get used to the newest employee’s quirks. If I were you, I’d work up one boring answer to the coat question, and put it on repeat. May I recommend “Oh thanks, I’ve got a coat I just don’t need it for a quick run to my car.” with a dismissive, but friendly tone & handwave? If they say follow up things, just repeat. “Yeah, I just don’t need it for a quick run to my car. I’m going to run to my car now.”

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  70. Ess Ess*

    For #2, I would simply let my employer know that I was going to have a procedure done on x date and that I would need to work from home the following day to heal from the procedure. If pressed about what the procedure is, you can simply say that it is a private personal procedure. This should count as a medical procedure since it involves needles, damage to the skin, bleeding, bandages, and a need to heal afterwards. People get various elective surgeries and procedures so this just falls into that.

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    1. tattoo-having LW2*

      If my office’s sick time policies were less stringent, I would have done this. I need a doctor’s note to use any sick time or make medical-related requests. It all worked out in the end, though. I let my supervisor know a few weeks before that I would most likely be out both Weds & Thurs, and then came in on Friday. I am now out of vacation time but I had a nice birthday and day after :)

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    2. Also a cheesesteak eater*

      If this is the city of Philadelphia, as I heavily suspect it is, none of that will fly. They will at least need to use PTO and at most require a doctor’s note to use said PTO.

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  71. H.Regalis*

    LW1 – I live in a cold climate and I feel like you are a variation of the Highlander, but instead of “There can be only be one” it’s “There’s always at least one.” Everywhere I go in the winter, there is at least one person who runs hot and is walking around in shorts. You run hot! It’s fine. I’d feel weird if my coworkers babied me about that too. I guess just repeat “Oh, I run hot!” a thousand times until it sinks into their brains. You’re not doing anything that’s even that unusual. Some people are little furnaces.

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  72. RCB*

    OP#1, it’s going to feel rude, but sometimes you just have to be very blunt with people. I don’t eat as much as people assume someone of my build does, so at get togethers people are always hounding me to eat even though I am already STUFFED, and it gets real annoying and I lose my cool after a while and finally snap and say “I’m 43 years old, I know when I am hungry!”

    Same thing happens with clothing sometimes too, and this is where you will be able to use it, I’ll have to say “I’m an adult and understand how to dress myself” or “I’m am adult please don’t assume you understand how my body works better than I do.”

    Again, it feel impolite, but not more than their nagging, and it will do the trick to get them to shut up.

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    1. H3llifIknow*

      Alison’s responses were much better and more tactful. Your response is very … aggressive, especially when the “nagging” comes from a genuine place of concern. There’s just no need to be that snappish to a colleague. “I’m fine. I like the cold.” “I’m fine, thanks. I don’t like coats.” “Honestly, I won’t freeze. I promise.” etc… are far NICER ways to handle it.

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      I think that when you’re the only one doing x, people notice and go ahead ahead comment on it like they would the weather and to them it’s just one comment – so presumably no big deal. But for the person who’s a lightning rod for all the comments about no coats, or eating light, it’s like the twentieth time that day.

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  73. H3llifIknow*

    Is this your first tattoo OP? You may be overthinking the amount of pain. Of course we all tolerate it/experience it differently, but agree with everyone saying tegaderm/saniderm and loose clothing will help. I got a large tattoo on vacation, the artist put saniderm (we called it “the blood bag”) and next afternoon flew 13 hours home. No issues at all. Keep your clothes loose and soft and keep the saniderm on for the full amount of time and I’d bet money you’ll be fine!

    Good Luck. Hope you love it!

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    1. tattoo-having LW2*

      I would say I am 30-40% tattooed. My main concern was that part of it is in a spot that waistbands rub against (and did!), though I was also worried about getting tattoo flu the day after since I’ve had it once before. I was actually totally fine on that front, but the pants I wore to work Friday did irritate it. Saniderm would’ve been perfect here, but I’m sadly allergic.

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  74. Jules*

    #1 – as another person who eschews coats unless it’s below zero, it really is people reacting out of generaly concern and not age. I’m older then most of my coworkers and still get the same responses.

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  75. Lacey*

    LW1 – I think people are just obnoxious when they see someone doing something out of the norm.

    I’m the opposite, always cold. I used to wear my coat at my desk all the time. People would exclaim over that, exclaim if I got warm enough to take it off, etc. etc.

    And while some of it might have been my age making it feel more fair game to comment on what I was doing as unsual (I was quite young & everyone else was middle aged or older) a decade later another coworker was dealing with similar issues and she was middle aged at that point.

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  76. CatMouse*

    #1 If you haven’t discussed running warm with your doctor, I used to run hot and doscovered it was a thyroid issue.

    Regardless I just told people I hated driving in bulky winter gear and would rather suffer a quick walk in the cold than spending time divesting myself of the coat at the car.

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  77. Purple Tiger*

    #1 – Honestly I would try to reframe this in your mind as just a thing about your coworkers. I am basically the opposite of you, I always wear more layers than anyone else (I’m currently inside, in a heated building, third trimester pregnant when you’re supposed to be really hot, wearing socks, shoes, thermal leggings, a skirt, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece [the indoor/outdoor kind that many people use as jackets] and am only borderline comfortable; my husband is wearing a T-shirt and my kids are all barefoot) and although I know I’m the outlier I still have to actively stop myself from saying AREN’T YOU FREEZING when I see my coworkers out on the playground with no hat.

    (also because I know people like to be helpful–I have had my thyroid tested multiple times and it’s very normal. Iron is fine. This is apparently a personality trait and not a medical problem.)

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  78. DarthMom*

    LW 1, I AM the 50-year-old not wearing a coat that is constant asked about it… It’s about 20 degrees (F) here today, and I never wear a coat – even when it gets below 0 (F). Now, my canned response is that I haven’t been cold since the Clinton Administration, which is pretty much true… :) …and it usually makes people chuckle and move on – exactly as it’s intended.

    I DO assure worried folks that I keep a winter coat in my car all season long in case something happens during my commute. And I do.

    I hope that your colleagues are just caring about you, but I think that diffusing with humor is a good strategy here. :) All the best to you!

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  79. AnotherSarah*

    For OP3–it’s egregious if your employee is using AI but a problem if they’re sounding like they are, regardless. I have a number of students who sound like they’re using AI on in-class writing assignments–I think it’s because they’re used to reading AI-generated content. This could be the case with your employee.

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  80. Velawciraptor*

    #4–the only place I’ve seen that sort of rollover is moving from one state agency to another (i.e. moving from working for the public defender to working directly for the courts). In those cases, there are strict rules in place about what (sick vs annual) and how many hours can roll over. And those rules are typically outlined in the job posting.

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  81. Project Manager*

    LW #1 – forgive me, I am an Elder Millenial, but the fact you are not only young, but significantly younger than everyone else in the office (which is weirdly devoid of us Millenials lol) – it would probably come off as “teenager” to me. I don’t know when teenagers stopped wearing winter coats (younger Millenials?) but literally today in windy, snowy, 30 degree conditions, I saw 2 teenagers huddled together at a bus stop in hoodies and I wondered about when this became A Thing. You seem to have a perfectly legit reason not to wear a coat (heck, I often step outside in weather like this at home to move the trash bins or something similar) so I can somewhat relate, but the optics of it at work definitely scream “I am very young” which is probably leading to the babying. It doesn’t make it ok, really, people should mind their own business on stuff like this, but, again, from an office optics perspective it might be worth just grabbing your coat and not zipping it.

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  82. Pocket Mouse*

    #1: Say with a smile, “I know it’s unusual for this climate, but please trust that I’m most comfortable this way!”

    The benefits of this phrasing is that it a) acknowledges the concern a person is showing, b) gives generic yet accurate information affirming your clothing choice is what’s best for you, and c) gently nudge them toward perceiving you as a competent adult at all (or at least more) times.

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  83. TMarin*

    #1 – Coat. I’m the same way. I find it invigorating to be a little cold. I do tell people that I keep a coat in my car, which I do. However, the way I’ve stopped people from commenting more than once, is to tell them this:
    “You know how we put perishables in the refrigerator to keep them fresh longer? Well, I like being out in nature’s/God’s refrigerator – it will keep me young and fresh.”
    Works every time. And, as a side note, I do believe it.

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