do I have to share my story on a “women in industry” panel?

by Alison Green on January 27, 2025

A reader writes:

I just received an email from my company’s corporate marketing team inviting me to speak on an internal diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) panel about my experiences being a woman in a male-dominated industry during the national Women in (Industry) week this spring. I know exactly why they asked me – I am the only woman in my company in my position! Let’s say I work in the auto industry (not what I actually do, but my industry is just as male-dominated). My company has a lot of women in sales, accounts, management, etc. but I am the only female mechanic out of probably 300 mechanics across the nationwide company.

I am twisting myself into knots trying to decide if I should agree to speak on the panel or not. The other women invited all have 15-25 years in the industry, and in roles that are increasingly becoming more popular for women, but I am much younger and only have three years’ experience. I also make it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.

On one hand, I know it is important to share my experiences and inspire the next generation of female mechanics, but on the other hand, I don’t know of any other hopeful female mechanics in the company, and I am a deeply private individual who generally doesn’t want to share my personal experiences. My social media presence is practically nil, and I am not part of any company developed social/resource groups. I’ve also never met any of the other women on the panel or the moderator, so I’m not sure if this is a safe space to share my thoughts on being a woman.

I’m absolutely torn between the world’s supposed need to hear my story and my own needs for privacy, and I know my answers to their questions won’t be what they are hoping for. For what it’s worth, I know I’d have similar feelings on any other type of panel, like if I was asked to be on a panel about my thoughts on leather seats or safety of foreign cars. I also have never known any another female mechanic before or after I started working, so if I can do it, why can’t other women do it without hearing from me?

Here are some of the questions the marketing team is proposing and what my answers would be:

What advice would you give women who are starting careers in the auto industry? Same advice I’d give any men who asked me.
How do you approach mentoring younger women? I’m young and am still getting mentored (by men). I don’t mentor yet, so can’t help you there.
What steps should women take in personal branding? I’m not 100% positive what personal branding is all about, but I assume whatever steps men take.
How do you balance your work and family needs in this demanding field? I highly doubt they’d ask this question to a panel of men! But I don’t have a household or pets, so pretty easily.

Let’s stop you from tying yourself in knots. If you don’t want to be on the panel, you don’t need to be on the panel. You don’t have a special obligation to do extra work that you don’t want to do just because you’re a woman. If they don’t have many women to choose from, that’s on them to solve, not you.

That’s not to say there isn’t benefit to hearing from women who are succeeding in male-dominating industries. There is! But you are already doing the work of dealing with a male-dominated industry; that is a burden in and of itself, and you really aren’t obligated to take on more work associated with it if you prefer not to.

Some people are excited about participating in these kinds of panels. You happen not to be, and that’s okay. You are not personally responsible for remedying deficiencies in your company, your industry, and our society.

You can decline the invitation, and you don’t need to explain any particular reasons when you do. It’s enough to simply say, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to decline” or “No thank you, but best of luck with the panel” or “I’m not available for it, but best of luck with it.”

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  1. I dream of rain*

    I also think your answers are quite telling in and of themselves, and the organizers don’t seem to know that. Depending on how much you want to engage and how safe you’d feel being honest (very important), it may be interesting or helpful to you to provide them feedback on their questions (especially that last super sexist one).

    And I agree with Alison that this is not your problem to solve, AT ALL. Only do it if it feels good and interesting (which it doesn’t seem to).

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    1. Sunny*

      I disagree that the last question is sexist – in this particular case only. This isn’t a generic career panel where they only ask the women this question. We don’t live in a perfect world, and family life balance is a very genuine issue for many women. Especially any woman who wants to move into leadership roles, which it sounds like many of these women are. To pretend it’s not is disingenuous, and defeats the purpose of a panel specific to women. OP’s answer to that question is very specific to her stage in life — and that’s absolutely ok — but it’s not the reality for the vast majority of women. For example, what to do about childcare and its impact on your career, is a huge topic in any women’s online space.

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      1. Karo*

        I think it’s important that they put it in context. As written, it’s a sexist question. But something like: “Women are often expected to do the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing in a relationship, and are judged if any of those fall short, even if she has a demanding job. How do you handle that?”

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        1. Saturday*

          I think this would come across strangely in a panel discussion. It presumes too much about everyone’s lives and relationships. I’d prefer the original question which is more broad, and the panelists can bring up these issues in their responses if they want to.

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        2. Mutually supportive*

          I think is more sexist than the original. It says “we’re asking this only because you’re a woman” whereas the original question could be asked of a man (and perhaps SHOULD be asked of men more often, to help redress the balance)

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          1. WeinerDog*

            That’s exactly what I came to say. It’s definitely a question women get asked more than men, but we should normalize asking men too instead of just ignoring the work/life balance in general.

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        3. boof*

          yea I think this is more sexist / more assuming women are dealing with sexism? Vs work life balance is actually something that concerns everyone / all genders even if there’s reasons that it tends to be a bigger concern/priority for many women

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      2. Cranky Old Bat*

        It is absolutely a sexist question. Men do not get asked this question (at least I’ve never seen it asked and I’m closer to retirement than not). It being a woman’s space doesn’t make it so.

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        2. Helen Waite*

          I would *love* to see a man get asked how he handles the unglamourous logistics of life that go into maintaining a home and a family.

          Too often the answer is “My wife does all that”.

          It wasn’t all that long ago (21st century, even!) that I saw job applications that ask what the applicant’s spouse did for a living, and some write-ups of job interviews taking place in the applicant’s home in which the spouse was present.

          This was a company hiring for sales that required long hours. I think the hirers were looking for applicants whose spouses would be doing the unpaid but essential work of household logistics so they could pile on the overtime. Salaried, of course.

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      3. Sarah*

        Also, “family” isn’t just children – it could be parents or other family members.

        That said, the question could probably be worded differently to encompass other situations, such as any personal hobbies or other activities outside of work.

        A broader work-life balance question, perhaps? (That might be good feedback for LW to give to HR – even if LW declines the panel participation, it still might improve the overall event for other panelists and attendees.)

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      4. Lenora Rose*

        The issue isn’t that this isn’t an issue for many women – it’s that it’s never asked on the same kind of panel without the gendered element.

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        1. Amphitrite the Salty*

          Counterpoint: it isn’t asked of men because the work falls disproportionately on women. Like it or not women working in industries like this have to deal with the fact that often, as they get older and have kids (and then aging parents), they have responsibilities and work (the “second shift”) their male coworkers do not have. It’s partly how their male coworkers can be so successful, because they do NOT have to balance work life. They have wives who do this. ESPECIALLY in male-dominated jobs.

          Should the question be asked on “Men in X industry” panels? Yes. But those panels don’t exist, and we know why. Because they don’t need to.

          My question is who will attend this panel. Is it just other women? Or is it the people who really need to hear this, the men? A good answer for the question might be “I don’t have to worry about this yet. I would hope my spouse would help me split the load 50/50, and I would hope that our parental leave and WFH accommodations support working parents if I ever need that!”

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          1. MigraineMonth*

            I’d like to push back on the assumptions in this suggested response. Having children is not a required life stage for women. The OP has not indicated that they wish to become a parent or that they wish to champion parent-friendly working conditions, and as the *only* woman in her role, it’s a risky move.

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            1. Miss Fire*

              But “work and family needs” affect everyone in some way- if not caregiving or parenting, then relationship upkeep with spouse/parter/family members or even home maintenance. A single woman or one who doesn’t have kids wouldn’t answer that question with “I have no family needs!”

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              1. Nightengale*

                I guess I would?

                I have no partner nor children

                I have one close family member, my mother, who lives a several hour flight from me. Right now, she is pretty active and independent although she is aging so at some point that will likely change. I do visit her usually 2x a year, but someone else might go on vacation with that same frequency. (I don’t otherwise travel outside of an annual professional conference.) So if someone asked about “family needs” I would definitely say I don’t have any. I don’t have a house and wouldn’t put chores related to my apartment under “family needs” either.

                I do have work/life balance needs.

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              2. MigraineMonth*

                I’m a single woman who doesn’t have kids and is finally at the age where people have stopped assuming I’m going to. The majority of my “family needs” over the last 15 years of my career have consisted of taking care of my cat when he was sick.

                I’m not going to take time on a professional “Women in [Industry]” panel to talk about my struggles balancing work and with taking a glucose curve for my cat once every three months.

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          4. Troubadour*

            I’d argue that “Men in X industry” panels *do* need to exist. Not to promote more men into industry, of course – but to promote to men that it’s not only women’s responsibility to get more women into industry. I keep getting asked to go to a “women in leadership” course which sounds simultaneously full-on and deadly dull to me, and the more I’m asked the more I want to suggest that instead *men* get forced to take time out of their real job to wear themselves out in a 16-hr day weeklong seminars talking about the barriers they’re creating.

            I disagree a little with some of the OP’s answers just because I think advice for women coming into the industry does need to be different from advice for men to the extent that it clearly needs to include things like “You’re going to be the only woman in your company” and “They’re going to ask you to be the token woman on Women in Industry panels”. But I *fully* support just saying thanks for the opportunity but no you’d rather focus on doing your job.

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            1. AF Vet*

              Yup. A story from my time in the Air Force:

              I was aircrew – not a pilot, but actively working on the plane as it flew. I was one of 2 women in my position, and our squadron’s makeup was roughly 10% female. Sadly, a trope about women in aircrew is that we fell into two categories – Madonna or whore – and were treated as such. I hope things have changed in the past 10 years… but I’m cynical that they haven’t. I tried to carve a third path – the mom – so at least I could take care of my crews. It mostly worked?

              So, I would read those questions more as, “What advice do you have working as a woman in a dedicated male space?” I had to grow a thick skin around sexual jokes, dance backwards in high heels, and be chummy with The Boys in a way that utterly baffled my husband – who is also in the Air Force, but in a career field that has been more consistently 70/30 or 60/40 m/f. It was what it was, and this was how I survived. (Seeing the Pixar short Purl hit home for me, although I tried to protect the younger women in my squadron as much as I could.)

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        2. amoeba*

          Well, yes, and that should absolutely be changed. As I said above, I make a point of always asking that question of men in mixed panels. (Also, it’s an important question, for everybody!)

          But that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s one of the main challenges that women unfortunately face in the workplace/navigating their careers, so pretending it’s not a problem reads a bit “I don’t see colour” to me. It doesn’t disappear because we don’t talk about it!

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      5. bamcheeks*

        Personally, I’d much rather see people START asking men this than stop asking women it! Whenever I have seen men asked it, the answer has always been extremely worth hearing, whether it’s the asinine “I have never thought about it” or “I have a wonderful wife who takes care of all that for me”, or something a little more engaged and reflective.

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        2. AtoZ*

          I’m in a male dominated industry, and on our panels, it is frequently asked of the men, too. The problem is their response is usually, “oh, my stay at home wife handles all of that…”

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            1. TechWorker*

              100% even though the result of it being visible is not necessarily much changing.

              I have a very strong memory of talking to my boss’ boss (then wd have been more like boss’ boss’ boss) in my first month as a new grad – I’d raised that I’d come out of the presentations about work life balance basically feeling like if I ever wanted kids I’d have to quit. He was like ‘but so what would you *do*? Do you have family near by?’ – was he asking all the men that question?! Absolutely fucking not, a lot of them out-earn their wives and so the ‘natural’ thing was their wife would quit work when they had kids. It has changed a BIT since then (a decade on..) but I am pretty sure that I do more cooking/housework/home admin than most of my colleagues at the same level, all of whom have wives who work very part time or not at all. (Who do admittedly do more parenting given I do ‘none’ :p)

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              1. Johnny Slick*

                Even if that’s what’s said out loud, some people in the room are going to say “huh, my wife has a full time job of her own” or “raising kids and doing chores isn’t the sum total of what I do when I’m off work, let alone the sum of what I enjoy”. Also, while I agree that there’s a risk of just reinforcing the zeitgeist but even with a few dissenting men speaking out it’ll open pathways and I think the only way you give that a chance to happen is by continuing to ask that question.

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        3. iglwif*

          100% this. The question isn’t sexist! Asking women but not asking men is what’s sexist, because it feeds the narrative that all women struggle to show up fully for work while erasing the reasons that many men don’t struggle the same way.

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      6. Observer*

        We don’t live in a perfect world, and family life balance is a very genuine issue for many women. Especially any woman who wants to move into leadership roles, which it sounds like many of these women are. To pretend it’s not is disingenuous, and defeats the purpose of a panel specific to women.

        Yes, and that makes the question and the way it’s presented even *more* sexist. The question is posed as though it’s just standard industry stuff. And it’s not. Not at all. It’s important to acknowledge that as part of the question rather than putting the burden on the women on the panel to call out the sexism before addressing it.

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      7. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        I agree, but it’s nothing to do with being a mechanic, all women with children or family members needing care have the same problems.
        Also, OP’s answer might change in a few years’ time but then again it might not, in that women don’t all start having children at some point. And some move far away from their familie and don’t get involved in caring for elderly parents either.
        The fact that OP only has three years’ experience is rather telling: like there are not enough women in her industry so any woman will do! But it’s true that she won’t have very much to say either.

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      8. Susannah*

        Yes, but… the very question endorses the notion that women are responsible for taking care of the home 9or making sure it’s taken care of), that men “babysit’ their own kids or “help out” around the house.
        It’s like calling child care assistance a “women’s benefit.” it’s not; it’s a family benefit. And if a woman stays home to care for kids, the man certainly “benefits” from having someone home taking care of his kids for free while he gets paid for his work.
        I’m not blind to the sad fact that women indeed are still presumed to be responsible for domestic affairs, even if they are in a paid job as well. But let’s not have panels that are ostensibly held to help female employees and ask questions that reinforce the inequity.

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      9. I own one tenacious plant*

        I think the question is sexist. A better way might be to ask what can the industry do to better support women who choose to start a family, what the industry can do to support parents in general and how they can retain women who may take time off to raise their young children.

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      10. Johnny Slick*

        I think it’s not or at least shouldn’t be sexist and yet LW is correct that men are just plain not asked about work/life balance. We should be asked that for sure and so I disagree strongly with the implication that women’s panels should refrain, but by the letter it’s true I think.

        I do think that this letter reads like it’s coming from someone who’s kind of barely keeping their head above water in a male dominated industry and so doesn’t I think feel completely empowered to speak as any kind of authority. At least that’s my read. All I will say about that is- I am in zero place to provide advice – is that that’s its own challenge that LW will probably need to face eventually.

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    3. I forget my handle*

      “How do I balance work and family? Well, I would like to know how the other panelists do it, since I am only three years in to my career. Fellows?” Signal to the other panelists with an outstretched arm/hand.

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        1. MigraineMonth*

          If the other panelists in a “Women in [Industry]” panel are men, I’d have much deeper concerns than whether asking about family balance was sexist.

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            2. Teapot Connoisseuse*

              Infamously, Japan was the only Group of Seven country to dispatch a male minister to the 2023 G7 Ministerial Meeting on Gender Equality and Women’s Empowerment.

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            3. londonedit*

              There’s a British comedian called Cally Beaton, who posts a lot on Instagram about the various incidents of mansplaining and everyday sexism she experiences as a female comic – recently she posted a video about how a company had reached out to her to ask whether she’d be the keynote speaker at their upcoming company-wide event for International Women’s Day. She said yes, of course, and then received a phone call from the CEO, ‘John’, who proceeded to ask her exactly what her qualifications were (um…being a woman, being a woman in a traditionally male sphere and also having several years’ experience doing public speaking and stand-up and corporate events…) and exactly why she thought they should book her to do the speech, seeing as – as he put it – ‘the difficulties for women at work are pretty much all sorted these days’. Lo and behold, a few days later she gets an email from the company saying sorry for the inconvenience but actually they’re not going to book her for the event. Because guess what? John’s going to do the speech.

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    4. commenter 1234*

      I don’t think it’s sexist to acknowledge that many (though not all) women face a set of tradeoffs between work and family demands, and to ask how she thinks about that set of tradeoffs in her own life. There’s been an increasing amount of evidence to suggest that the gender pay gap between men and women who start in comparable roles is now driven almost entirely by differences that happen once people have children. (Check out the work of economists Claudia Goldin and Claudia Olivetti on this.) So, it would be quite appropriate, and in line with the evidence on this topic, to point out that she doesn’t have a lot to balance at her stage of life and with her family set up, while acknowledging that the majority of women do eventually face questions of how to balance these.

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      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, this. It’s basically “women who have children” vs. “everybody else”, rather than women vs. men. (At least in Germany, I think that’s where the data I saw came from – of course it’s much more extreme here because women with kids tend to work full time *a lot* less than in the US. Like, 10% or so of them do.)

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  2. ThatGirl*

    Yep, “I don’t want to” is a perfectly valid reason.

    You may feel differently in 5 or 10 years, you may not – but regardless, “no thanks” is always perfectly fine.

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    1. LA*

      Well, it is and it’s not. The underlying reason can be that, but the tone you take in declining does matter for your internal capital, especially early in your career. Much like finding a way to make a case for a promotion or raise in other situations, it’s more valuable to make the case for why it’s good (or bad) for the organization. In this case, it’s that you don’t feel that you are adding enough to the conversation and goals of the organization and it would be better to postpone contributing in this way until you’ve had some more time to develop in just the ways they are hoping to support, and that you know they’ll put together an excellent group and you’re looking forward to hearing what they have to say.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        Now you’re just being nitpicky – yes, of course tone matters (“no, thank you” vs “hell no!!!”) but let’s just assume the LW knows her situation and how best to say it.

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        1. LA*

          This isn’t at all nitpicky and is very much based on the letter. This is an opportunity to either advance or damage a professional reputation in how the response is given and lands. This is the sort of situation that really can have unusually high impact in either direction depending on how it’s handled, and I gave that advice because of how I’ve seen it go.

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    2. Miette*

      Oh, perhaps an opportunity for you to use my favorite example of politely turning down a request! I paraphrase E.B. White:

      “Thank you for your invitation to speak on the {fill in blank} panel.

      I must decline, for secret reasons.

      Yours sincerely,
      OP”

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  3. Edwina*

    I hope someone (NOT suggesting OP should do this) will push back on the last question because I agree with OP that it’s very likely they wouldn’t ask a panel of men this question.

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    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Seriously! I’d be curious if this company has an actual DEI committee that’s putting this panel together or if they don’t and it’s being put together by well-intentioned but ultimately clueless people, because that question should never have passed onto the final list if they have a formal committee for this kind of thing.

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      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        To be more clear: I know LW was emailed by the Marketing folks, but I can’t tell who is actually organizing it, ie is it Marketing or did they just send the email (I know a lot of places require all internal comms to go through Marketing, regardless of what it is).

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      2. Observer*

        I’d be curious if this company has an actual DEI committee that’s putting this panel together or if they don’t and it’s being put together by well-intentioned but ultimately clueless people

        In a company that has lots of women in back office and customer roles, but exactly *one* woman in a technical role? I would be utterly shocked if they have an actual DEI committee that is more that a checkbox item.

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    3. Qwerty*

      It is the most common question from audience members in most women-focused events that I attend. Most questions in a panel about being a woman in a male dominated industry are different than what would be asked in a gender-neutral panel, because the purpose of the event is giving women a place to talk about things that affect them more. Despite being a single / no-obligations person, I’ve always been surprised to find how helpful the panel’s responses are to that question.

      Besides, work/life balance questions are increasingly common in gender-neutral panels. There’s a variation of that question asked to men at many events I’ve been to. Their answers often suck and make it sound easy, though occasionally someone will admit they aren’t good at being their for the family/friends or that their wife does most of the work.

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      1. Hlao-roo*

        Besides, work/life balance questions are increasingly common in gender-neutral panels.

        I’m happy to hear this. In broad terms, a lot of “how to fight against/end sexism” tends to be along the lines of “women should be like/be treated like men.” I think there is a place for that, but there are also a lot of places where society could be improved if men were like/were treated like women (in my opinion) and this is one of those times.

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        1. Qwerty*

          Thanks – my battle is also to treat men like women. Often men are delighted (such as work/life balance discussions, acknowledging emotrions, getting parental leave) or it really underscores the double standard when they start getting held to the same standard as women. I’m finding a lot of men are sick of the patriarchy and the pressures that come with it

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          1. M2RB*

            I’m finding a lot of men are sick of the patriarchy and the pressures that come with it

            This is so true; the patriarchy harms and limits men in addition to the harm it inflicts on women. Men will benefit from a more equal & just society – sure, less than women will benefit, but they will get some benefit.

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      2. KTMGEE*

        I agree Qwerty; I’m surprised at the above thread calling this question tone-deaf, when it really is a common question for women, who, like it or not, disproportionally shoulder the load of family needs, even if you don’t have a household or pets. It’s valuable information to hear that from those in the industry, even if OP and others here think it’s inappropriate.

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        1. Amber Rose*

          The wording is poor. It excludes or others those women who don’t have families, have atypical family setups, who are NC with their families, or who wanted children/large families of their own but can’t have them.

          If you actually want the perspective of real women and what they face, and not just what you assume women are dealing with, you leave the question open ended enough to get all sides. Men get asked about work life balance, and women get asked about families. Why can’t both be asked about work life balance?

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          1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

            … although one might argue that an atypical setup might be that woman’s particular way of addressing this issue?

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            1. Ginger Cat Lady*

              No. Because it assumes a default that women will have children and only choose not to for work reasons.
              It’s not a good question for a women’s forum. Too loaded.

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        2. Allonge*

          I guess my thing is – it’s a commonly asked question because nobody has a ‘good’ answer.

          Yes, there are tricks and tips on getting the most possible time with the kids and the partner. Or best ways to get up to speed after a period of ‘just’ working but not being available for more.

          But the real solution is not individual but structural: for example, companies and managers who real-life endorse flexibility (for all, not just women!) and make it possible to work well without e.g. going on golf excursions; AND partners who take on the at-home workload sufficiently that the mother or caretaker can get some rest and still devote time to work and family.

          What can be said about this in one or two minutes on a panel that has not been said on similar panels before? And if that is valuable from women, why are men not asked the same question? Is it really just reassurance that it is difficult for other people too? That can of course be validating, but all speakers don’t have to provide that validation.

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      3. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I think that’s the key: if it’s a question worth asking, it’s a question worth asking of men, too. Work/life balance is a good question because I think a lot of people in the last five years are reassessing their relationship to work for a variety of reasons, but asking it on a panel for women always comes with the unspoken assumption that you’re the one carrying the household burden.

        If that’s what you want to know about, then name it or find a different way of asking, e.g. “If you have a partner at home, how do you divide your household labour to allow you to focus on your career” or whatever makes sense for what kinds of insights you’re hoping to get. You’re going to get more useful answers if you key into the actual underlying assumptions rather than just leave it at work/life balance.

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      4. Sunny*

        I absolutely agree. I don’t think it’s offensive at all, though only in this particular context. It’s the reality of life as a working woman, and I personally am always interested to hear what other women have to say about it. We can’t pretend there’s no impact, or that the world is so perfect that we can just ignore the impact of mat leave, childcare, doctor’s appointments, etc. have on women. Who are still disproportionately affected by motherhood in their careers. If it takes having a nanny or a househusband, or not having kids at all, to, for example, become a CEO, other women need to know that, so we’re not wondering how that super successful CEO “does it all.”

        People are reacting to this in the same way as a female political candidate being asked what designer she’s wearing, but it’s not the same thing at all. This is a panel about women in industry.

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        1. lunchtime caller*

          I know so many women in high powered careers, especially male-dominated ones, who absolutely worry and look for hints about how a pregnancy, maternity leave, or future childcare needs will be handled within the company. I’m a childfree for life person who can still want other people with urgent and heavy questions to have them addressed without every single one needing to be also applicable to me.

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          1. Qwerty*

            This! I also find listening to others viewpoints really helpful. I plan to never marry, never have kids – but hearing the concerns and needs of my fellow women in the field help me be a better ally to them.

            I’ve also found that it is easier to get a benefit approved if you are asking for something you’ll never use. Having an anti-kid person push for a maternity leave benefit apparently is a strong message and very effective.

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          2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

            yeah, I’m not sure you’ll get very open, honest answers at a conference. Nobody’s gonna say “yeah, the maternity leave policy sucks and you’re better off applying to Kid-Friendly Competitor if you want to have a baby.” (unless they’ve just accepted an offer at Kid-Friendly Competitor and don’t mind burning bridges).

            Reply ↓
            1. Allonge*

              I agree.

              The info is essential, but most people will not sit on a podium and say ‘well, my grandboss looked the other way a few times because she knows I deliver eventually’, ‘I used travel time to sleep’ nor ‘ I screamed at my husband until I ugly cried and passed out and that finally got through to him after a year of me not sleeping’.

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            2. Paulina*

              And OP, in a junior position and the only woman in her particular area at the company, isn’t exactly empowered to be even a little bit honest about any issues she’s knowingly dealing with. In that situation, it’s easy to feel like you’ve been shoved into the crosshairs — do you pretend there are no issues, or get a reputation for complaining?

              Reply ↓
          3. MigraineMonth*

            I’m childfree in a male-dominated industry, and I think whether I found the question sexist (and heteronormative) would absolutely depend on how it was asked. It is true that women disproportionately take on the labor of childbearing, childcare and domestic labor. It is also sexist to assume that *every* woman has children and does more than her share of domestic labor.

            If the question assumes I either have or am going to have kids (and with a male partner), that’s going to piss me off.

            Reply ↓
        2. Susannah*

          Then I wish someone would answer, “I insist that I not be saddled with the vast majority of cleaning/child care/running of the house just because I am the woman of the house.”
          Otherwise, it just underscores this idea of, oh, that’s just the way things are for women, and we can’t change it, so please tell us how you do two jobs without falling apart.
          The fact that this company suggests the question for a “women’s” panel means to me that they automatically see women as not fully there – but rather creatures who already have another job. And maybe that’s why LW is the only woman they hired in her division.

          Reply ↓
          1. amoeba*

            But no employer can fix the societal issues women face? Like, for me that’s like saying “oh we shouldn’t discuss that people face discrimination in the workplace because in an ideal world, there wouldn’t be any discrimination”. I mean, duh, but it *is* a problem and it’s (unfortunately) still a problem that’s overwhelmingly on women’s shoulders and your solution would be to just… pretend there is no problem?

            Reply ↓
            1. MigraineMonth*

              Is a workplace panel the right place to discuss a “societal issues women face” that “no employer can fix”, when there is so much workplace discrimination that the workplace could fix, though? Especially when a lot of the workplace discrimination hits women when they become mothers, based on the assumption that they *cannot* do their jobs as well as men or non-parent women?

              Personally, I’d much rather hear about what the workplace is doing to improve that 1:300 gender ratio in OP’s role than what OP is doing to balance work with caring for her hypothetical children. Flexibility, generous PTO and parental leave should be included in the ways to recruit/retain women in the role, but I think Susannah has a point that in this particular context, discussing how difficult it is for women to prioritize work might not be the best strategy.

              Reply ↓
      5. InTheWeeds*

        Yea it’s one of those questions that feels really outdated – but to completely dismiss it ignores the very real household dynamics that still commonly exist for a lot of women.

        It’s a sexist question that still holds a degree of validity because we live in a patriarchial society.

        I’d still reccomend adjusting the language to be more neutral work-life balance in tone though because it makes it far more broadly applicable and allows people to answer in a wider variety of ways and speak about their family dynamic as much or little as they like.

        Reply ↓
        1. Anonym*

          Yeah, I think the question is important, and isn’t sexist itself inasmuch as it addresses an existing problem created by sexism. However, how it’s framed makes a huge difference in both how it sounds and how the audience is likely to think about it.

          Good: “We know that [statistic about household and emotional labor in two income households, or other relevant data]. What has your experience been with this, if any, and how have you approached it?”

          Bad: “How do you do It All, girl???”

          I want the answers to the first version. I’m very tired of the second version.

          Reply ↓
          1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

            Yep! It’s not the question that’s sexist but the conditions that make the question relevant to this audience that are sexist.

            Reply ↓
        2. wordswords*

          Agreed. Asking questions about work/life balance makes total sense to me. Asking about balancing work and family specifically, while it’s often much the same thing, does feel more gendered to me.

          Reply ↓
          1. amoeba*

            But it’s a very, very gendered problem. It shouldn’t be, but it is. So I don’t see how pretending women don’t face any more challenges than men in the same position would help.

            Reply ↓
      6. DataWonk*

        I am curious how the answers are helpful. I’ve only ever heard answers like “I’m lucky to have a great husband”.

        (I personally have no kids, and I do have a work from home husband to take care of essentials when needed, so I never found finding a balance difficult by design. Just curious what others have found as helpful advice.)

        Reply ↓
        1. CM*

          I think it’s a question that requires a lot of trust to answer honestly. In a panel setting like this, I’d expect generic answers. In smaller groups with people who know each other, I’ve gotten very useful and concrete advice about childcare and family resources, what’s considered acceptable in this specific workplace and what’s not, what people have tried in the past and whether they have succeeded, etc. It’s also enlightening when everyone says, “Of course, I do X” (use a meal service, have a nanny, whatever).

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          1. DataWonk*

            Agreed. I was asking for that exact reason which I did not make clear (they said they heard good answers specifically from a panel).

            I’ve been in the small groups of women that privately point out who is a creep, and would NEVER say those things on company sponsored panels!

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        2. amoeba*

          Eh, you can get information on stuff like on-site childcare, childcare stipends, flexible working hours, part time options including specifically for leadership positions, stuff like job sharing…

          (Of course, here in Europe, part time is much, much more common, especially for people with kids – mostly women but also quite a few men nowadays, luckily. So that part might not be as relevant in the US, idk.)

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    4. Snarkus Aurelius*

      Yeah you’d think after the last few election cycles that that question would cease to exist, but here it is! They totally need to know how offensive it is to all genders.

      Reply ↓
    5. WillowSunstar*

      Yeah, not all women have a household with husband and children to support. I’m a childless cat lady according to a certain politician (well, would have a cat if I wasn’t terribly allergic).

      Reply ↓
      1. Sunny*

        Sure, but not every question has to apply to every member of the audience. That’s a really weird standard to hold the questions to.

        Reply ↓
        1. MigraineMonth*

          The problem is that the question doesn’t apply to the *panel member* they’re asking it of. They’re planning to ask OP how she balances work and family. OP points out that she lives alone and doesn’t even have any pets, so it’s not difficult to balance.

          Reply ↓
          1. Susannah*

            Right. And it’s telling that it didn’t even occur to them to consider whether this was something she dealt with in her own life – it’s just, oh, you’re a woman, and the only one we’ve hired for this division, so tell us How Does She Do it?

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          2. amoeba*

            I mean, to be fair, they included a generic list of example questions that might be asked of (any) panel members. If they’re competent in any way whatsoever, they’ll ask that question to somebody it actually applies to.

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    6. 1-800-BrownCow*

      As a woman also working in a male dominant environment (presently I’m the only woman on a team of 30), when I took on a small management role 6 years ago, I was asked how I could handle managing a team when I have 3 young children at home to take of. I immediately responded with “How come no one asks men with children that question??” The response was “I guess not….”. That was all.

      Reply ↓
      1. Susannah*

        Thanks for throwing that back at them.
        I have a friend who (maybe only a decade ago) on her FIRST DAY at work had the manager come up to her and ask her how she was going to manage this job when she had kids.

        It wasn’t meant to be supportive. It was a way to let her know that no matter what she did, no matter her qualifications for the job, he already saw her as compromised.

        Reply ↓
      2. MigraineMonth*

        Good for you.

        Coincidentally, all the managers in my department have 4+ children. Not coincidentally, they’re all male.

        Reply ↓
    7. UncleFrank*

      While I acknowledge that it is frustrating when this question is only asked of women, I’ve definitely benefitted from having conversations about this with more established women in my field — although usually in more a small group setting, not necessarily a panel. For context, I’m an academic in a male dominate field — my department tenured it’s first woman last year and I was the first person to use parental leave before tenure in over 10 years. The last woman who took parental leave didn’t get tenure… and all the men seem to have waited until after tenure to have kids, but that wasn’t an option for me age-wise. So I think it’s a little unrealistic to act like this question isn’t helpful for some people.

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        True, but this is the wrong venue. I seriously doubt that a panel put together by marketing that asks women about their “personal branding” by a company that has one women out of 300 in OP’s role is a safe place to share sharp criticism of company culture. I’d expect to hear honest advice like “don’t take your full parental leave here or you’ll never get promoted” at an off-site coffee, not in this panel.

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    8. Salty Caramel*

      My interpretation of “very likely” here is it’s 99% likely a panel of men wouldn’t be asked this question.

      Reply ↓
    9. LA*

      You know what though? I DO want them to start asking men this because I want men to have to say out loud HOW they are handling these things so that it highlights that they get it handled for them in so many cases. Making everyone listen to it said out loud, over and over again, tends to drive what women know home for the decisionmakers….

      Reply ↓
      1. learnedthehardway*

        Eh – I think you’d get a lot of men saying they are equal partners in parenting / homemaking, and really believing it, but that their spouses would think VERY differently.

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        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I’d still like to see men being asked how they balance work and family, both because there are men for whom this is an issue and also to normalise it. Even if there are men who say, “it’s no problem for me. I do half the parenting and homemaking and I find it doesn’t take much time at all,” there are bound to also be men who are having difficulties balancing family and work and it also moves the conversation to an “everybody” issue rather than a “well, women need to balance work and family whereas men are free to concentrate entirely on work,” which can lead to employers thinking it’s less hassle to employ men.

          Reply ↓
          1. iglwif*

            Right, and it also opens the door for ongoing discussions of what those men actually mean by “I do half the parenting and homemaking”, and for men to mention that they don’t have a wife and kids but they are a caregiver for an ageing parent, or whatever.

            If a man is free to concentrate entirely on work, we need to talk about why.

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    10. boof*

      I think this is a fine balance – acknowledging the differences that tend to follow groups without assuming everyone in said group is in the same position and also steering clear of assuming the way the “dominant” group does it is “better”. With the latter in mind, I think it’s a good idea to talk about work life balance at a women-focused event even if the general events decide to ignore it – I think it’s to their detriment.

      Reply ↓
    11. fhqwhgads*

      I wouldn’t want to be on this panel either, but if I were, I wouldn’t push back on the question. I’d go to the thing, wait for them to ask me it, and answer exactly the way OP was inclined to. Outloud to the entire audience.

      Reply ↓
    12. Mango Freak*

      I don’t see why a panel specifically on what it’s like to be a woman in the industry should old ask questions they’d also ask of men.

      Reply ↓
  4. KeinName*

    I love your proposed answers and it would be great if you could send them to whoever asked you ;) But best be very short in your decline, like Alison says. So as not to give them any reason to contest your answer and bring you round.
    Let them hire more women first if they need people to go on these panels.

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    1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

      If the OP doesn’t want to participate, she definitely shouldn’t. That said, if it’s the questions themselves she has an issue with, I think there’s an opportunity here to spin the answers to point out how unhelpful the questions themselves are and instead point what would be a better question. And if she feels she’s too young to mentor- point that out and reply with what would be helpful for her as a relatively new employee and what she feels she could learn from both a male mentor and a female mentor (if there’s a difference).

      At one previous company, the owner was a woman in a very male dominated field. She talked about being a single mother, the help she received, and was lauded for making a very successful business by gathering the knowledge herself and surrounding herself with smart capable people. And then in my time there, offered absolutely no help to the other women in the field- we had a company wide conference and none of the topics were about women in the industry or even in the company and how they could succeed. It was a really interesting choice, especially during Covid when women in the company asked for certain flexibility to help them cope with childcare. So…at least this company is making even a token effort.

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    2. Observer*

      Let them hire more women first if they need people to go on these panels.

      Exactly!

      It’s notable that they have exactly *one* woman to ask.

      I think that this speaks for itself.

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    3. bye*

      These proposed answers sound overly hostile. It’s a conference on women in a particular industry, of course they’re going to ask questions about being a woman and how that’s affected LW’s career trajectory in that industry. It sounds like LW doesn’t like the idea of the conference in the first place, so it should be pretty simple to just politely decline!

      Reply ↓
      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Also, the person who sent the OP those questions is likely to be an overworked and underpaid events person who didn’t come up with the questions and has no influence on the industry’s hiring practices. If that’s the case, unloading on that person by sending them those answers would likely be about as effective as complaining at a checkout person at Target about the entire corporation’s return policy.

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      2. Susannah*

        I find the questions passive-aggressively hostile. They have one woman in this division and imagine she is Everywoman with Every Woman’s issues and problems.

        Reply ↓
        1. Elle*

          Agree. I also don’t love calling her answers hostile… she’s answering them honestly, but because she’s not making her answers chirpy, it’s a problem.

          Reply ↓
        2. amoeba*

          I don’t think the conference is chaired by OP’s company though, it seems to be by some kind of industry association (where there’s hopefully more women around than just OP, and even if not, not really in their hands?)

          Reply ↓
  5. CTT*

    Seconding Alison that if this isn’t the sort of thing you want to do, you can pass on it, but I do want to opine on your concerns about age and experience. I am in another traditionally male-dominated field, and we have lots of panels like these. As interesting as it is to hear women a generation or more above me talk about their “war stories,” it doesn’t feel as relevant to my work because those barriers were so different to what I face now. Having a variety of years of experience for the speakers really makes it a better panel. I think that the organizers asked you to be on it is a green flag, even if you decline to participate.

    Reply ↓
    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      I’d love to know what the event planners are looking for. They sound genuinely clueless. This is an entire set up for someone like me to say, “it’s 2025, and I’m the lone woman here. How does this happen?”

      Reply ↓
      2. Texan In Exile*

        Yeah I am getting so tired of the “First Woman to do X!” stories.

        My people.

        It’s 2025.

        This should not be news. We should be on the 1,000th Woman to do X.

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    2. EngineeringFun*

      Female aerospace engineer (47) here. I do not participate in single sex organization events (save a few specific situations) For the exact reasons you expressed. It took me 20 years to articulate this….. you can be busy that day.

      Reply ↓
  6. Amber Rose*

    It was understandable that they asked.

    It’s understandable for you to refuse.

    This doesn’t have to be something stressful for you. I assume that they expect at least some refusals from the people they reach out to and they won’t even think twice about you turning it down.

    I’ve been a woman in a male dominated field for a decade and even I would say no, for the record, so don’t feel like you have to do this later on in your career either.

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    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I plan panel discussions and people turn us down all the time! No need to give a reason, and don’t feel under any obligation to do this type of event. I agree that the question about balancing work and family isn’t great and shouldn’t be on the list – but for panel discussions, you generally don’t have the expectation that 100% of the questions will 100% apply to all of the panel members, because you want a mixture of career stages, perspectives and types of experience. Plus, some people will just speak more than others, though a good moderator/chair will call on everyone equally.

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    2. Kes*

      I agree with this. I’ve been in a similar situation, and it is an awkward spot to be in – in my case I accepted because the cause was important to me and there were few other options, but I was uncomfortable in the situation and it showed. Now, with more experience, I’m more comfortable turning down requests I’m not comfortable with, while continue to engage with those I am, but that often does come with time/experience/confidence, and the fact that I am in a place that’s (a bit) more balanced helps as well.

      That said, while I don’t think these questions are great, I do think it’s important to note that the intentions behind both asking OP and the questions are probably good. That doesn’t mean the questions are good, or that OP needs to say yes, but I feel like the aggressive pushback we see in these comments is a little over the top. Even the last one – actually I think it would be better if they asked men that too, but it is and is perceived as more of a problem for women, which is why they’re asking.

      I think it’s fine for OP to just tell them that they don’t think it’s a good fit and they’re not really in a position to answer a lot of these questions yet.

      I also think it’s not a bad thing to start thinking about what your answer to these questions would be, beyond the knee-jerk reaction, whether or not the answer is the same as what you’d say to a man. If a younger woman started in the company in the same kind of position as you, and asked you for advice, what would you say? I started mentoring probably earlier in some ways because there were few (senior, especially) women available (especially in my department). That’s not to say others have to do the same, but as you start to gain experience and move towards becoming more senior (and 3 years is not exactly totally new), starting to think about and be able to advise and/or mentor others is not a bad skill to start gaining.

      Reply ↓
  7. Endless TBR Pile*

    I agree with Alison – “No, thank you” will suffice just fine.

    However! Should you change your mind and decide you want to do this, I actually think pushing back on some of these questions (#4… ew) IS the right answer. For a male-dominated industry to really be inclusive, questions like these just perpetuate the narrative. If you aren’t asking male mechanics how they balance work and family needs… don’t ask the lone female mechanic!

    Reply ↓
    1. Sunny*

      But they’re not asking the lone female mechanic. They’re asking all the women on a panel about women in the industry. It’s a very relevant question because it’s an ongoing issue for most women. If they don’t ask, you can bet someone in the audience will ask it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ann*

        This last point you make is so important, Sunny. That will be the first audience question if it’s not on the panel. I’ve been involved in a LOT of these things.

        Reply ↓
        1. UKDancer*

          Me too and it came up at every event I’ve attended, and I’ve attended a lot of them. The wording may vary slightly but given a lot of women pick up more than their share of caring duties, they often really want to know how to balance work and life commitments.

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      2. Ally McBeal*

        Yep. Plus, from my perspective as a white-collar “knowledge worker” (a phrase I despise for its classism but it is an effective delineator), the work-life balance question seems to be answered more often by other white-collar women than by blue-collar women. Someone in a job like mechanic, where you’re required to be on-site and perhaps work unusual hours that conflict with daycare schedules, is going to answer the question very differently from someone who supervises mechanics from their hybrid in-office/at-home setup between the standard hours of 8-6. I imagine the decompression period between work and home could also feel & look different between manual laborers and desk jockeys.

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  8. ScruffyInternHerder*

    I probably would not accept a spot on such a panel, given that my response to every question posed is essentially the same as yours, even after 20 odd years in a very male-dominated industry. Exception being “mentoring”, because I do mentor less experienced/new (job titles), but I don’t make a conscious decision in how to do so based on gender.

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  9. Not the only one*

    Yeah, you get to say no to this, OP. And honestly, given your responses to their proposed questions, it doesn’t sound as if you’d have much to contribute that would be relevant or useful on the topic, so declining is probably best all round. Send them a thanks but no thanks message, and move on.

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    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I don’t know that her lack of experience compared to other women who were invited is necessarily bad. I’ve attended sessions like this in the past, and have always been shocked by the number of women who claim they’ve never experienced sexism in the workplace in situations and jobs where there is almost zero chance that that’s possible. LW’s age means she’ll necessarily have come into the workplace at a different time than a lot of the other women on the panel, and may be better equipped to identify stuff as sexist that her colleagues just brush off as “well, that’s just how things are.”

      That’s not to say LW should necessarily participate, just that I don’t think it’s necessarily true that she wouldn’t have much to contribute.

      Reply ↓
      1. FashionablyEvil*

        I think that *given her answers to these questions*, no, she doesn’t have a lot to contribute. If there’s more to her experience that she wants to share, that would be great! But if the proposed text is it, that’s a waste of time for attendees.

        Reply ↓
        1. Caramel & Cheddar*

          That’s fair. I thought those were just one-off snarky replies for the purposes of the letter, but if LW doesn’t have anything else to say beyond that, then no, definitely don’t participate.

          (Though, LW: I feel like you could absolutely expand these answers and turn them around when you don’t think they apply, e.g. you’re too young to be a mentor, but as a young woman in a male dominated environment what type of mentorship would you like to receive? Your answers take the questions really literally, but there are lots of ways to give thoughtful answers to these if you were at all inclined to participate in something like this in the future.)

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          1. amoeba*

            This.

            Also, I really, really don’t agree with “the same advice I’d give to a man”, that one reads very “I don’t see colour” to me. Obviously women face different challenges in your industry, LW, or you wouldn’t be literally the only one? You probably don’t intend that, but your answers seriously sound like you’re kind of negating any gender-based issues people will experience, which… yeah. Isn’t great.

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      2. Mutually supportive*

        I’m a woman in a male dominated industry and it took at least a decade to realise that I actually did have a more difficult time than my male peers. For a long time I said “nah, I have a great company, makes no difference being a woman”.

        It did make a difference.

        To be fair, some of the difference came from within me, and my own pressure to make sure I was performing well, but I think some of that was being conscious of being in the minority.

        These things are complicated!

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        1. Second that*

          I wanted to comment something similar. For me, it took almost two decades to recognize systemic issues and to reframe certain past experiences. If you are only surrounded by men, the male experience is your reference point and not getting the same results as them feels easily like an individual problem. It was only after I changed jobs, with two other women in my department, that things started to clear up. I am only in the beginning of being able to communicate those things and to accept that this is not always what men would like to hear.

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          1. Texan In Exile*

            “it took almost two decades to recognize systemic issues and to reframe certain past experiences.”

            Exactly. For years – decades – I thought there was something wrong with me. (I too was often one of the only women on the team.) It wasn’t until I started to learn about other women’s experiences that I realized that there might be more to the story.

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        2. Escape from the Bay Area*

          It’s especially difficult when you’re the only one because you don’t have anyone to compare it to. I worked at a company where I felt I was generally treated well, and some of my “funny” stories often lead people to react in horror and ask me if I’m okay. I was young and it was one of my first jobs. I didn’t want to be different but that wasn’t a choice I got to make for myself. Even though I thought I fit in, I had a lot of unique challenges that my male coworkers didn’t have to worry about.

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    2. Observer*

      it doesn’t sound as if you’d have much to contribute that would be relevant or useful on the topic,

      Hm.

      Her experience is relevant, because whether you like her answers or not they *do* speak to the utter dearth of women in her type of position. I mean ONE woman among *300* positions of this sort? What’s that all about?

      Would it be helpful? Probably not directly, because she’s not really coming in with actionable advice. But the *reason* she doesn’t have actionable advice matters. And I think it could be really useful to shine a light on the fact that there is *such* a dearth of female presence in this type of position that they are asking someone at the beginning of her career questions that are really mostly relevant to people much further along. And they apparently don’t even realize the disconnect! At the same time, they don’t even bother with the kinds of questions that she might have some good answers to – question about her current situation and what she believes would be helpful to her as someone early in her career. Because all women are the same and need the same thing? Or?

      Reply ↓
      1. Good observation*

        “And I think it could be really useful to shine a light on the fact that there is *such* a dearth of female presence in this type of position that they are asking someone at the beginning of her career questions that are really mostly relevant to people much further along. And they apparently don’t even realize the disconnect!”

        That’s a very good point.

        Reply ↓
  11. Audrey Puffins*

    Obviously you don’t want to, and that comes first and foremost, but please don’t think that your relative lack of experience compared to the other panellists makes you less compelling. You’ve got much more recent experience of getting into your industry in the first place, which is going to be very different from people who entered it years ago and very much of interest to others who might be thinking about looking for a way in.

    Personal *branding* though? What even *is* this panel?

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      Yeah, I think there could be a really interesting panel to be had involving women who can provide a variety of perspectives on being in the industry in various roles and different stages of their careers. But I don’t get the sense the organizers have put that much thought into it, which means it’s probably going to be a waste of time for everyone.

      Reply ↓
    2. Hyaline*

      Came here to say this–of course, if you don’t want to or think the whole thing is bogus, don’t do it, but your more recent entry actually is a value-add to the conversation.

      Reply ↓
  12. Lucy McGillicuddy*

    I work alongside a lot of women in STEM academia and I think it’s fairly common to not have the space to reflect enough after just 3 years to have answers to these questions. You’re still in the middle of just trying to *do* it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Amphitrite the Salty*

      Woman in sausage-fest field here, a few things…

      1. Those questions are tone deaf, and probably written by an older person I bet. Things like “work life balance” when I was in my 20s would have been incomprehensible to me, as I was a workaholic establishing my career and I loved what I did, so I did it constantly. Work life balance wasn’t a thing I needed or valued. (…I do now, though!)

      2. It wasn’t really until later in my career that I encountered the kind of sexism that held me back. I did have one or two egregious encounters — being asked where the “real” tech was, lol, or to take notes in a group where me and some other guy were both just as young and new. For that I simply said to him one day “funny how they always ask the woman to take notes, right?” And he stepped up and volunteered next time. Stuff like that. But it never felt like it was holding me back until I got further, higher, and more niche in my career. So you may NOT have much to talk about wrt this yet. That’s fine (and ofc I hope you never do!)

      3. Watch Being Glue by Tanya Reilly (she has it in essay form on her blog but watch the video on YT first!) A lot of ‘Woman In’ stuff I think falls under this category, and it often takes away from your core work in a way that is very unhelpful to you — men don’t have to spend time on this sort of thing! and that time adds up. That said, once you do feel further along and more comfortable, helping recruit can be rewarding personally. But be careful it doesn’t swamp you and take away from your success.

      4. Don’t be embarrassed about being a woman. There are two ways to cope with being The Only One, which I was for so many years, and… it gets exhausting either way. I didn’t even realize how exausting until I was on a team of all woman and didn’t have to do it suddenly. It was like the sun came out. But, you might find yourself in one of two modes (and when I say “you” below, I am talking of my experiences. I just thing they’re common based on conversations with others):

      – First, being one of the guys. Dressing down, modifying how you speak to match their tone and vocabulary, shrinking your stories to fit things that match their culture (are you really so private, or is it you just won’t fit in?) and totally ignoring any differences in working style or method based on your different early experiences and approach to solving problems. This works for awhile but once you’re past entry level, it gets more difficult because you never really learn to trust *your* way of being, nor to confront the differences that your male coworkers absolutely do notice anyway. Like it or not they do treat you differently — I read a private anonymous industry forum and it’s viscerally upsetting sometimes the things they say about women when women aren’t around.

      – Second, being unapologetically a woman, dressing a bit more femme, talking more with your hands, NOT being private about your life when people are sharing their weekend plans, generally being yourself and not one of the guys. This is hard. It feels wrong because there jobs are so deeply coded male that acting any other way feels subversive. It gets you noticed. You might not be taken as seriously, but you will also have more energy for the work because you aren’t spending so much time contorting yourself into a different identity. You might feel resentful that being yourself isn’t “enough,” but conversely you will be surprised by who really doesn’t care and who is an actual ally. Masks come off for worse but ALSO for better. It’s easier to find the right place to be and the right people to surround yourself with to get there.

      I found my strongest networks, friends, and champions when I adopted more of approach #2. I was being held back in subtle and not so subtle ways by the fact that I would NEVER be one of the guys, so being myself brought new strengths and energy. Being authentic about who I was got me more respect in the end.

      This may not pertain to you at all, the workplace isn’t the same as when I started, but given that was STILL the only woman on my team until a year ago, well… I doubt it’s that different really.

      Best of luck in your career. Whether or not you know it, you’re actually breaking barriers here. Even tho it feels like on 2025 that’s an outdated thing, it’s not, or you wouldn’t be 1/300! But you are. You don’t have to rep all women, but don’t be afraid to rep yourself and acknowledge what you being there represents! (But no I wouldn’t do the panel either.)

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      3. sb51*

        In some male-dominated fields, there’s actually kind of an in-between option for your section 4, which I wonder if the LW falls into — being the kind of woman who ISN’T very femme and thus isn’t faking anything when “acting like one of the guys”, she’s just being herself. This can have its own special version of the glass ceiling: you’re not actually one of the guys (and so their advancement paths are cut off from you) and you’re not fitting in well enough with the gals enough to network with them/haven’t learned their strategies (so their paths are also cut off from you), but the LW may not have encountered that.

        Like, I am unapologetically a woman, but most of my hobbies skew male-dominated, so if I’m talking about my weekends (or whatever), I’m not hiding anything? Heck, in one of those hobbies, I’ve often been asked as The Woman in the room how to get more women into the hobby, and I’m like IDK it just sounded like fun to me, just like all the guys who showed up? I don’t know what’s keeping other women from doing it because…I’m doing it and haven’t run into any problems? Etc.

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        1. the cat ears*

          I am very glad you wrote this comment, I feel like these conversations often assume that all women would prefer to present more femininely and that appealing to men is the only reason not to, which is very far from my own experience.

          I also think women who prefer to present in a more masculine or androgynous manner often are attracted to male-dominated careers and hobbies because it can be a space where we get judged a lot less on our ability to conform to gender roles compared to female-dominated spaces.

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        2. Socks*

          Thank you! I’m a butch lesbian, and the comment you’re replying to rubbed me the wrong way, but you articulated why better than I would have.

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        3. Kat*

          ” This can have its own special version of the glass ceiling: you’re not actually one of the guys (and so their advancement paths are cut off from you) and you’re not fitting in well enough with the gals enough to network with them/haven’t learned their strategies (so their paths are also cut off from you)”

          This really resonated with me. Thanks for pointing this out!

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        4. MigraineMonth*

          This is a really good point, thank you for sharing.

          I never know what to say when people ask me why other women aren’t in my field. It’s like… maybe you should ask one of the many, many women who decided not to enter my field? Or who entered and got driven out? Seeing as I’m neither, I’m very unqualified to answer that question.

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      4. MigraineMonth*

        Wonderful comment!

        Also a woman in a male-dominated field, and I’ve definitely found myself leaning more masc or femme depending on the situation and stage in my career. I’ve also been fortunate to work closely with women in other roles for most of my career, which takes some of the pressure off.

        OP, the most important thing you can do for “all women” in your industry is to do what’s most comfortable for you. Do panels that you think will help you gain visibility and advance, not half-assed diversity ones like this. (Personal branding??)

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      5. Jasmine Clark*

        This is such a fascinating comment! Thanks for sharing. I especially loved your perspective on the two different approaches women can have and why the second one is better. “Be yourself” is such a cliche but it really is true. It’s better to be yourself than to constantly try to hide or change yourself so you’ll supposedly fit in. You’ll just exhaust yourself and you’ll never truly fit in anyway. Might as well be yourself and stand out. The right people will like you for who you are.

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      6. Kes*

        I agree with a lot of this, but I will say, I think in a lot of cases women (including myself) start with 1. and then as they gain confidence, realize it’s not fully working for them and a different approach may work better (2, or even just a middle ground between them), and while there’s nothing wrong with starting with 2 (and I wish women were in a position to just be comfortable fully being themselves), I don’t think starting with 1 is “wrong” either – there’s enough pressure on women starting in male-dominated fields as it is, and it can take time in any new situation to figure out where you’ll be more comfortable aiming to fit in and where trying to do that would just be suppressing yourself.

        Even in the small things – I bought so many button down shirts before I realized I mostly just hate them in general. On the other hand I do still rarely wear dresses at work, because I feel like it draws attention to me as a woman and I just personally feel more comfortable with the middle ground I’ve landed on.

        You also have to be careful a little of the flip side – the first time I was asked to be on a social/events committee I declined (and I don’t regret doing so), because I didn’t want to be pigeonholed as a woman and event planning is not my forte; however, I later realized my company does value involvement in leading initiatives outside of our main work, and got involved in planning other initiatives – holding too firmly against this would have held me back.
        Unfortunately, it’s a fine balance women are stuck with.

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      7. Tracy Flick*

        This is an insensitive comment – especially since corporations across the country are rolling back DEI infrastructure in response to this administration’s explicit hostility to LGBTQ+ people.

        Think about the sexist and queerphobic expectations you create when you conflate “being unapologetically a woman” with “dressing a bit more femme” and “talking more with your hands.”

        There are plenty of women in male-dominated fields who are not femme in appearance or behavior. I can promise you that abjuring femme cues is not a recipe for workplace security or success. (I also question your definition of more vs. less femme. I strongly suspect that your reference points are limited by your status and experience. For example, I doubt very much that you have ever been read as anything other than a cis woman in any workplace or social setting.)

        Gender-nonconforming and butch women in male-dominated fields experience just as much hostility and dismissal as feminine women. They are certainly processed as “subversive.” They face the added barrier of hostility from cis, heterosexual, conventionally feminine women. They also routinely hear insensitive comments like this one.

        Often, those microaggresions occur in spaces that are supposed to provide relief from gender bias, like ERGs, professional networks, conferences, and mentoring programs.

        If I encountered a senior woman who spoke the way that you do, I would not feel confident about her ability to advise me. I would not feel safe seeking her help or mentorship, or opening up to her about any gender bias I experienced at work. I would certainly not feel safe being “more authentic.”

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        1. Elle*

          Yeah, a lot of the time, advice for women in male dominated professions is very clearly advice for straight women in male dominated professions. They just don’t label in that way because they don’t like the idea that they’re not being inclusive. In my experience in tech, straight women are very GIRL POWER and OWN YOUR FEMININITY and TAKE UP SPACE but that definitely doesn’t apply if you’re gender non conforming or even, like me, actually quite femme but still very obviously queer.

          Which is ironic because, often, it’s us queer women who made our way into those professions first.

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        2. MigraineMonth*

          Amphitrite the Salty’s comment really resonated with me as a cis femme woman, but I understand why it felt invalidating to you. I’m sorry you’re facing discrimination both from men and from conventional cis women.

          Who would you be at work, if you weren’t facing that discrimination and bias? If you knew you would be accepted fully as who you are?

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      8. Emmy Noether*

        This really resonated with me as a woman who has spent a LOT of her life in male-dominated spaces as well. With the note that I am cis-het and have always liked presenting femme and having both male-coded and female-coded hobbies. I am aware that this experience may not resonate with people whose natural self (for lack of a better term) is different from that.

        I do think it’s fine to talk about it while keeping in mind that caveat. Trying to say only universal things is impossible. Your (and my) experience will resonate with some, and not at all with others, and that’s fine if we don’t try to make it universal.

        There’s also a trap in the second mode, though. I call it the Smurfette (I adapted that from someone else, but unfortunately don’t remember who). If one is the lone woman, one can slide into a sort of princess-status. Lots of attention, special treatment. It feels good, for a while, until one notices it doesn’t come with actual respect, or with being seen as an actual person.

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  13. Definitely not me*

    The subversive person in me wants this letter-writer to accept the invitation and then explain exactly why the prompts are problematic, using the exact same responses she provided here. Unfortunately, there is pushback from the new administration on DEI efforts generally (which is awful) — but this could serve as an object lesson in how those very efforts can go wrong or, at the very least, can appear more performative than effective. I don’t mean to place the burden for highlighting that onto this LW, but it’s just hanging there, ripe for the picking, if she were interested in schooling them a little. I do understand the risk, being younger/newer, but I’m secretly cheering her on to do a bit of gentle push-back. Her instincts seem exactly right on the well-intentioned but very real problem here.

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  14. Shinespark*

    There’s something about companies shifting the burden of DEI work and education onto their own minority staff that just doesn’t sit right with me. And what if your experience is negative? Are you meant to stand up at an internal meeting, declare that actually you’re treated quite unfairly by management, and expect there to be no repercussions?

    If you don’t feel comfortable taking part, that’s probably good information and you don’t owe yourself as representation to anyone.

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    1. MPM*

      This part!

      While I do believe that those who succeed despite structural barriers should do what they can to help those who come after them, that is very different from agreeing to be your company’s token minority in what sounds like a performative event.

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    2. JP*

      I was just wondering what an earnest, aware of the issues panel of men trying to recruit women into a male dominated industry would look like.

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        Generally, panels don’t solve structural issues like recruiting gender gaps, whether they’re populated by men or women. If you want to recruit more women, you probably need to change your *recruiting* practices.

        Figure out where women are dropping out of the application “pipeline” and fix that. This might mean offering different benefits, on-the-job training, or allowing an equivalent degree. Make sure your interview process minimizes implicit bias. Is it possible to do the skills test without the interviewers knowing the candidate’s gender? If not, is there a clear rubric and gender-neutral language used when discussing the application?

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    3. I should really pick a name*

      The work shouldn’t be done exclusively by minorities but, speaking as a minority myself, I’d be very concerned if there were no minorities involved in a company’s DEI work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Shinespark*

        I wasn’t meaning minorities shouldn’t be involved (I’m one also and agree with you). Only that there’s a world of difference between, for example, a company who wants to improve racial diversity by consulting with minorities who are industry experts and already doing that work, and a company who shifts all that work onto the three black women in accounting who are now expected to explain to the whole company why the things their manager Dave says are microagressions.

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    4. D-E-Aye aye aye*

      Black Woman here. At Former Company, they created a DEI committee and ‘requested’ that every person of color participate by consistently emailing all of us and refusing to take anyone off the email list, no matter how many times they asked. I was on almost every committee available, so I joined this one too.

      The two Top Dogs were older white guys. There was a day I went into the meeting and took a seat at the table. It was a rectangular table with multiple seats at the ends, but it was still considered the Head of the Table. I sat down at the end of the table and was told to move bc Top Dogs needed to sit there. I got up and left the room and never went back to a meeting.

      There were so many red flags it looked like The Barricade in Les Mis.

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  15. Falling Diphthong*

    If they don’t have many women to choose from, that’s on them to solve, not you.
    This is really well put.

    OP, if you were invited to talk about your work, I would lean toward doing it, as that sort of exposure and contact building is useful in a lot of cases. But when the theme is “So… you’re a girl? Tell me about that” it’s going to just underscore that aspect, rather than anything about your work.

    Specifically given the questions you list, which I agree are “The same answer I’d give for a man” in nature. (Somewhat akin to if OP were the only person on the floor with freckles, and they wanted to ask how it is being a person with freckles, how you mentor others when you have freckles, how the freckled can have work-life balance.)

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      And now I’m realizing that most of the freckle-gifted people I know have terrible work-life balance. Maybe they’re spending all their time at work trying to avoid the sun? (Or maybe it’s just that a lot of them are my relatives, and there’s some other nature/nurture factor at work. Probably that one.)

      Reply ↓
  16. MsSolo (UK)*

    I do think there’s something interesting in the ability of a young, single woman to function in a male dominated industry in a way an older woman with a family can’t; there’s something quite third wave ladette feminism about it. It’s easier to be one of the lads when you’re young and you all have comparable levels of freedom, but as societal sexism starts to manifest when you’ve got shared households and caring responsibilities it’s both hard to stay in a male dominated field and hard to change careers into one. I agree that LW shouldn’t feel obliged to be on a panel when it sits uncomfortably with their personal boundaries, but also the advice they might be able to share is probably less actionable for other women in the audience at this point in their career, but it’d be interesting to revisit in a decade or so and see if their company has manage to hire more women in their workstream, and what advice they’d give then.

    Reply ↓
    1. No Tribble At All*

      You’re 100% correct. My industry has the “leaky pipeline” problem — I think a full 50% of women who have kids stop working in industry full time. Plus, it’s easier for higher-ups to accept a junior woman than a senior woman. The more senior you get, the tougher the comparisons are.

      Signed, was just told that leaving at the same time every day to pick up my kid from daycare isn’t a good excuse because our department head also has kids (…. and a stay at home wife).

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      1. Generic Name*

        I’m 45. I guess the leaky pipeline explains why there are almost no women my age at my company in technical roles.

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      2. Rocket Raccoon*

        My industry (restaurants) also has a leaky pipeline, but after much though I have never come up with a solution. It’s an industry where crazy schedules are unavoidable. At 25, working a 14 hour shift on Thanksgiving is a fun challenge that’s worth it for overtime pay. At 45, very few people are still so enthusiastic, doubly so if they have kids.

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      3. Kes*

        Suggest to them that if they would like to pay you the same as the department head, you can consider having a stay at home spouse who can handle this too, in order to solve the problem. /s

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    2. Snarkus Aurelius*

      I could work as hard as any man before I had a kid. But after I had my baby, I couldn’t blow off work the way my male colleagues did. I worked with plenty of men who intentionally worked late so they’d get home after the kids were in bed so they didn’t have to do childcare. I just can’t screw over my husband that way.

      Reply ↓
      1. bamcheeks*

        I had a colleague who boasted about doing that. To a room of female colleagues, and didn’t understand why we weren’t all laughing along with him.

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    3. bamcheeks*

      There was an study soft-published (ie. not peer-reviewed, but made available directly on a university website) which looked at men’s vs women’s earnings according to their degree subject. It showed women in STEM roles with significantly higher earnings than women in Arts/Humanities/Social Sciences, or Law/Business roles for 10-12 years after graduation, and then their earnings dropped off a cliff and never recovered. Women with Law/Business degrees had a steady incline to 10-15 years after graduation and then stopped and stayed as a horizontal line, and women with AHSS had a slow start for 5-10 years but then a continual increase up to 30-35 years after graduation. The paper vanished about 5 years ago, and I never managed to find a fully reviewed and published version, so I don’t know whether it was formally withdrawn or they just never completed the publishing process, but I was fascinated.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rocket Raccoon*

        That also fascinates me, as a woman in a slow-but-steady field. I always used to feel bad about not using my degree to make more money, but now I’m getting dividends in flexibility that I never got in pay.

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      2. Fascinated Woman With an Engineering Degree*

        Maybe someone reading this can suggest ways to look up studies? I do not know how.

        That being said, I would love to know the conclusion of this paper.

        Some cohorts left engineering completely, some do engineering-lite, some are hardcore engineers who have opted for the very long hours.

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    4. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

      You are under no obligation to be on the panel- don’t think twice about saying no! A man sure wouldn’t. :)

      This comment from @MsSolo (UK)
      “…as societal sexism starts to manifest when you’ve got shared households and caring responsibilities it’s both hard to stay in a male dominated field…” made me think about how impossible it can be.

      My husband is in a VERY male dominated field, and something he’s noticed during his tenure is that his female coworkers are usually pretty young. Unless they stay single and/or don’t have kids, they very often end up leaving the profession. Some of the ‘say the quiet part loud’ managers in his past have expressed reluctance to hire women because ‘they get married/have kids and leave!’ but these dudes never seem to think about WHY this is.

      His last job suddenly started to change schedules arbitrarily- like, he would be told on Friday at 4:55pm that, starting Monday, he would be working night shift for a month. Or that for the next three weeks, they were on 12-hour shifts and a mandatory 4am start time. They lost pretty much all the women who had any kind of outside responsibilities during that era. Most of the men he worked with were married, so they had wives to help share the load.

      As much as Sheryl Sandburg told us to marry men who will share household responsibilities, in practice women often are defaulted as the person with ‘the more flexible job’ no matter what that job is. So who is doing daycare drop off/pick up in the scenario outlined above, esp if you both have similar jobs? It is rarely the man. And his job was NOT flexible or understanding- it was “Your ass is in the chair by 4am or you can find another job. Your personal life is your problem.” He earns really good money in this job, but not ‘hire a nanny’ money. I work from home and we do not have kids and this time period was hard on us because my husband DOES share a ton in our household responsibilities, but when he’s gone 14 hours a day and works on Saturdays, I can’t just leave the dishes in the sink, or not walk the dog, or let the bathroom get gross, or cook zero items until he is home. I cannot imagine what we would have done with kids, especially if I worked similar hours. It frustrates me when people say “pick better men” to marry- my husband is excellent, but I often end up with more of the domestic load because his 2025 job operates like it’s 1952 and everyone has a full-time homemaker at home. I do not think that I could also be in a similar profession (even without kids!) unless we spent substantial money to hire the equivalent of a stay-at-home wife.

      His current job is saner, but it’s the same story. He is working 6-day weeks indefinitely, and while he technically works 40-hour weeks, it’s usually 50-80 depending on what is happening with their projects. At least this place gives him sufficient notice when they are changing the schedule around, but that would not help daycare drop-off or school pickup much.

      And the most frustrating thing to me is a schedule that allows you to have home responsibilities and a life is good for men too! Working like this is good for NOBODY. But noooo… let’s keep on working like we have no home life and trying to manage our home like we have no job.

      Reply ↓
      1. FromCanada*

        My husband is not perfect, when it comes to sharing the load but he’s not bad; however, he used to be better. As he climbed the ladder, (very male dominated – I mommy tracked myself and work in a highly female area) the shift got worse and the expectations that I would just do it all crept in. And his work 100% expects it. When he took parental leave with our first (but none of the other kids) he got a gold star at work and was used as a positive example – he didn’t take leave the next time.

        With this last promotion, it actually got a little better because he’s travelling less. My resentment is less and he’s slowly doing a little more again. I’m less worried his job is going to kill him and I’m more content in my job than I used to be so that helps. But my ability to climb the ladder even in this more woman friendly place is definitely limited until my kids leave the house.

        Reply ↓
        1. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

          “And his work 100% expects it.”

          YES. This! Is! Still! True! Not everywhere, but in a lot of places.

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    5. Marion Coatesworth-Haye*

      100%. I’m in BigLaw, and while women make up the majority of law students and associates in many firms, the partnership percentages are still less than half that. My answers to the quoted prompts as a junior/mid-level associate would have been pretty close to what the OP wrote, but that changed dramatically as I got more senior (even more pressure to respond to clients at all-hours with little notice) and as I had kids. In retrospect, what made my progression possible as that happened was essentially banking all the goodwill associated with doing high-quality, dependable work on short notice in those early years for the grace and flexibility I need now. And I think it can be useful for junior folks to hear that that might be a path towards their goals, even if it reflects something deeply unfair about our societal expectations of women.

      Reply ↓
  18. Snarkus Aurelius*

    Yeah I don’t think you should do it because you clearly don’t want to. AAM is right in that the responsibility for diversity doesn’t rest on your shoulders. If you’re the only woman in your area, that’s your employer’s fault.

    However, you should rethink your whole “same as any guy” mentality. The fact is you’re not a man. I don’t know you, but I can tell you that you have most likely been treated differently than men – for better or for worse. To act like you’re no different than the default is exactly the opposite of what DEI efforts seek to address. You do have a unique perspective as the lone woman that no man will ever have. We do not live in a post-feminism world, certainly not right now.

    I’m sure you mean well, but there’s something about your letter that rubs me the wrong way. For decades, women in the workplace have tried to be just like any other man, myself included. But that’s not the reality we live in. No matter how hard I tried, the requests to make coffee or bake or take notes never stopped. I’m an office director who has never done those things, yet just last week, I got asked to plan a party that has nothing to do with me while my male counterparts do not get such emails. I didn’t do anything to garner such a request other than exist while being female.

    You may want to rethink how you see yourself because I’m not sure it matches with how others see you, consciously or not. Regardless if you agree, that perspective does matter because it can affect your career whether you like it or not.

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    1. The Wizard Rincewind*

      I have similar thoughts. I understand the pushback on question 4, but the reason it’s not asked of men is because, well, men don’t face the same pressures and expectations that women do. If this panel is for women in the industry, then the toll a corporate life can take on plans for children/family/caregiving is still a conversation worth having because that onus falls disproportionately on women. A frank exploration of that (if you were in a safe place to give it) is warranted.

      If they were asking that question as you were accepting an industry award on your mechanic skills, then yeah, that’s obnoxious!

      Reply ↓
      1. Snarkus Aurelius*

        See I’m very honest, which is probably why I’m never on these panels. I often talk about how much more successful I’d be if I had a traditional SAHM to do all of the domestic work, including the errands I need done. I also talk about how I very much want to see my kid grow up and saw everything my parents missed in my childhood and they have nothing to show for it but their savings and pensions that would have remained the same had they shown up for me.

        But, yeah, no one wants to hear that on a company panel about diversity!

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    2. tabloidtainted*

      Yes, I was trying to put this into words too, and I think this is sometimes a natural part of being a younger woman in the workplace. It’s easy to believe when you’re just starting out that you can choose not to be bogged down by sexism and misogyny in your industry like this: “I also make it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.” Unfortunately, this is not a perception women can change by de-emphasizing their sex. It’s a perception forced onto us (and other marginalized people). You’re not a diversity hire, unlike who–those other diversity hires who were handed their jobs?

      Eventually, LW, you may find there is value in women receiving specific advice about the challenges they might encounter in your particular field.

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        I think I felt a lot like OP at the beginning of my career. For me, it wasn’t that I thought I fit in as “one of the guys”, it was that I was very aware of not fitting in as one of the guys. I didn’t want to do anything that would draw attention to me being a woman, and it was very awkward to be singled out.

        I remember being the only woman in a CS grad school class when the male professor asked me–out of nowhere–why there weren’t more women in Computer Science. I had several theories about why CS was hemorrhaging women, but I was so embarrassed I think I mumbled something like, “You’d have to ask a woman who didn’t choose CS.”

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      2. coffee*

        One thing I’ve noticed is that women have the problem of having to prove their worth to earn a promotion, but men get given a chance.

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      3. amoeba*

        Yeah, this.
        Reminds me a bit of my female colleagues who were still a bit “haha, happy to be the only woman in a group of men, less competition”. Pick-me girl vibes coming through…

        (Which I feel is not unusual especially while you’re young, I’m sure I was the same 10 years ago! And it’s probably what my colleagues needed to do to stay sane, as they really joined at a time when there were 95% men in our field/company. It’s luckily much better now.)

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    3. ArlynPage*

      Yeah I find the “what advice would you give women …” answer of “Same advice I’d give any man” to be contradictory to the statement that she “makes it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.”

      The unfortunate truth is that a man would not even give it a second thought that anyone might think they didn’t earn their spot due to their gender, and that she had to consciously make it a priority means that she most likely would give slightly different advice to a woman than she would a man. This doesn’t mean that she should be forced to speak at a panel, but I think she is in denial about her experience as a woman in a male-dominated field.

      Reply ↓
    4. Showland*

      Thank you for saying this. We can handwave it away that we’re no different from men all we like. In ability, that’s true! But unfortunately ability is not the only thing that impacts a workplace. You wouldn’t have ANY different advice for a woman coming into a male dominated industry? People are treated differently on a million things (by no means is a woman the only or most important one!!), and it’s fine to acknowledge that reality.

      Reply ↓
    5. Hlao-roo*

      Yeah, I see the letter writer’s answer to the first question (“Same advice I’d give any men who asked me”) as a little at-odds with this part of her letter:

      I also make it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.

      Would you (the letter-writer) talk to a woman who wants to work in the auto industry about your tactics for being seen as regular mechanic vs a female mechanic? Would you talk to a man who wants to work in the auto industry about how to be seen as a regular mechanic vs a male mechanic?

      I agree with Snarkus and AAM that you don’t have any sort of obligation to be on the panel. Just pointing out that you do already recognize that you have to work to overcome the tendency of others to see you as different because you’re a woman.

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    6. Box of Rain*

      You’ve articulated exactly what I was thinking as I read the letter. It has a very “I don’t see color” and “Not like other girls” vibe.

      Reply ↓
      2. Been there*

        As a woman in a male-dominated field, can we please banish the term “not like other girls”? It minimizes the experience, thoughts, and opinions of women by implying they’re affected or manipulative if their take doesn’t seem “feminist” enough to someone else. If LW’s honest opinion is that she personally doesn’t feel she’s faced much sexism, good for her. Let’s respect her ability to make that call. Her experience takes nothing away from any other woman who has a different one.

        Reply ↓
        1. Box of Rain*

          I’m not a woman in a male dominated field, and I have retired (for myself) the use of the phrase for the reasons you mentioned. That’s my point though–saying “whatever steps men take” has the same intent and meaning behind it just using different words. Because “I’m a woman who acts just like a man” is the same as “not like other girls.” The phrase started because women were saying they were just one of the guys, not girly or like a girl.

          It’s possible that has served the LW well, and as you said, they have not experienced sexism, misogyny, etc. but my read on the letter was just that, my read. :)

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        2. amoeba*

          Eh, internalised misogyny is unfortunately absolutely a thing and I think it’s fair to call that kind of thing out. (Pick-me girl is another one that comes to mind…)

          I’ve certainly had those tendencies, especially when I was younger, and it was really important and valuable for me to learn about it and check myself.

          Also, it’s obviously fine if somebody hasn’t experienced much/any sexism – I’ve been quite lucky with that myself! But to negate that a problem exists because it hasn’t happened to you personally is pretty problematic. You only need to look at a few statistics or, like, talk to a few other women to see more than enough evidence of sexism in the workplace.

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    7. Qwerty*

      OP’s feelings are working for her and I don’t think she needs to rethink her how she herself until she feels the need to. Her views are not uncommon for someone who is the only woman in a space and early in the field.

      I broke a lot of barriers in early in my career partly because I had a lot of these same views. I never viewed myself as different than the guys, was extremely close with them, and sexism was more of an annoyance. I was baffled anytime someone thought I needed to be involved in women-on-women mentoring because I had great guy mentors and I was doing a fine job mentoring our male junior engineers.

      I miss those days when I didn’t sexism everywhere, so I see no reason to push someone out of that zone until they ready. Sadly the battle will continue for a long time – when OP is ready to take up that mantle there will be a dozen tired women needing a break and happy to pass it on to her.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        I miss those days when I didn’t sexism everywhere, so I see no reason to push someone out of that zone until they ready

        Except for two things.

        One is that if the LW is not aware of the issue, it’s likely to come and bite her. Maybe yes, maybe not. It’s not a matter of seeing bogeymen under the beds, but if being blindsided by genuine sexism.

        A secondary reason is because it supports and feeds into a very toxic and false narrative. The reality is that no matter how others perceive it, for the most part women (and other marginalized groups) are *not* “diversity hires” who are not competent to do their jobs. Even when they *are* “diversity hires”, they only got that chance because they were too qualified to be ignored! This whole “diversity hire who is unqualified” trope is unfair to all women, but it also harms the LW.

        So rethinking this could be really helpful to her. It might not change her immediate actions, but it could relieve some stress or help her strategize better in the long term.

        Reply ↓
      2. Texan In Exile*

        “I miss those days when I didn’t sexism everywhere”

        Sadly, just because you didn’t see it didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

        Reply ↓
        1. Allonge*

          Sure. But as it’s so close to unchangeable, some people like to ignore it while they can. Not every battle can be fought, certainly not at the same time.

          Ignorance is bliss is a thing for a reason.

          Reply ↓
      3. DEEngineer*

        I agree with this. I was the first female engineer at a small manufacturing site. When I left 12 years later, I had been promoted twice, my 2 direct reports were female, and my supervisor at headquarters was female. (Of the 6 people I hired over the years, 4 were men and 2 were women.) I also birthed 2 children. I felt like I broke barriers, and I was able to do it by mostly pretending sexism wasn’t a thing there and by being really good at my job. It was pervasive, but I also had a good liberal arts education as well as engineering and had learned to look for it. I’d love to protect the OP from figuring out that many of her colleagues see her as a woman, and not as a human. I don’t think that recognizing the sexism helped me personally. I mean, when your boss tells you he almost didn’t promote you because you just had a child 6 months ago but his wife thinks you can handle it (thanks Sharon!), there isn’t a good way to prepare for that.

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    8. honey cowl*

      I totally agree with this. I’m a female software engineer (with children, even!) and the advice I’d give non-male folks entering this field is very different than any advice I’d give a man. Like it or not, our experience in male-dominated fields is incredibly different than theirs in ways they almost never see, and pretending we’re the same doesn’t change that.

      Reply ↓
    9. ChaoticNeutral*

      I have similar thoughts. It’s totally fine for this individual to view herself in this way, and I’d certainly never try to tell someone what their own experience is. But the answers came across a little naive to me. Regardless of how much you insist you just want to be seen as a mechanic, and would give the same advice to men and women, that’s not how others see you. As another commenter said it very much gives off “not like other girls” vibes. As a woman in a male-dominated industry myself, I think it pays to be aware of how others perceive you.

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    10. No name yet*

      Thank you, I was thinking something similar. It seems pretty unlikely there aren’t systemic barriers for women if the field is so uneven. It may be hard for OP to see that, and all the more reason to not do the panel, but that doesn’t mean those challenges aren’t there and may affect her at some point.

      Reply ↓
    11. Susannah*

      Then the thing to do is…. Just Say No.
      Say no to party-planning, note-taking, baking or anything else the office defaults to asking you to do because you are female.
      Just Say No to being the default childcare worker and housekeeper at home. Seriously, it’s 2025, and it seems sometimes like all we’ve accomplished is having panel discussions to talk about how unfair it is that women re asked to handle all the domestic responsibilities, plus the “domestic” tasks at work, and are then punished for having those extra responsibilities.
      We HAVE to push back and STOP doing it all. I realize this is a more complicated thing when you’re talking about your spouse and kids, but at work – they will not magically realize how awful it is that they ask you to do all the breakroom cleaning/note-taking/party-planning at work because someone tells them. They will keep making women do it until women refuse.

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    12. Maisonneuve*

      I agree.

      And the idea of not wanting to be seen as a DEI hire is disheartening in some ways. I know DEI efforts can be viewed as giving an unfair leg up, and maybe sometimes they do. But is a DEI hiring policy really different from recruiting programs at top tier universities? They both are methods to filter candidates.

      Also, legs up come in all kinds of forms (structural, spoken, unspoken), including the stereotype that men make better mechanics, which might be part of the reason you’re 1 among 300.

      Don’t do the panel if you don’t want to. It’s not going to change the stats at your company. But also, take advantage of any helping hand given to you and don’t feel bad about it. There’s no such thing as self-made.

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    13. Slight disagreement*

      “However, you should rethink your whole “same as any guy” mentality.”

      I think that might be a little unfair towards the OP. I would have said similar things when I was young and still under the sincere impression I could do everything if I only worked hard enough. I am rather quick witted, so things as dirty jokes or harassment never were a problem. It was only when I got older, that I realised how much easier it was for men to advance in their career and how much more opportunities they got, even though I did higher quality work.

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    14. Allonge*

      Eh, I don’t think OP made a full, deep assessment of her entire experience before proposing that answer. Remember, she does not want to do the panel, partly because she does not think her experience is long enough to meaninfully contribute.

      My point is not that you are wrong, it’s more that we should not tell OP she is doing feminism wrong just based on this. Her experience is what it is and I doubt very much that if she chose to go and do the panel, these would have been her actual answers. It’s a bit snarky, for one.

      Reply ↓
  19. The squeaky wheel gets the grease*

    You are of course allowed to decline invites if you wish. However, if you wish to accelerate your career, you need to get noticed. Speaking on panels is a great way to get noticed. Bring a wallflower is not.

    I also make it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.

    The you should speak on the panel and say just that.

    I am a deeply private individual who generally doesn’t want to share my personal experiences

    Again, you are allowed to do what you want, but if you take this view, you need to accept that others who are more assertive about promoting themselves, about raising their visibility, will have better career opportunities.

    As a mechanic you shouldn’t know the aphorism that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

    Reply ↓
    2. metadata minion*

      Being noticed doesn’t have to mean speaking about personal topics. Maybe the LW speaks all the time on panels about new widget-alignment techniques or whatever is relevant for their actual field.

      Reply ↓
      1. Not that other person you didn't like*

        Completely agreed with this. Letter writer, you should grab every opportunity to get noticed and speak on panels in ways that highlight your engineering skill and technical acumen.

        This thing though? You don’t want to and that’s just fine.

        Reply ↓
    3. Observer*

      However, if you wish to accelerate your career, you need to get noticed. Speaking on panels is a great way to get noticed

      The line “there is no such thing as bad publicity” is common, but it’s also untrue. Some publicity is not good. By the same token, being on some panels is a good way to get noticed. Others? Not so much.

      I doubt that being “noticed” for being a woman is going to do the LW a lot of good. If this were something like a “30 under 30 future leaders” or a “rising stars” type of panel, I would feel differently. But this is just not likely to give the LW the kind of exposure that would be helpful.

      Reply ↓
      1. DEEngineer*

        Agree again! There is so much “leadership for women” stuff that is just busy work and doesn’t lead to anything real career-wise. I’m not saying that there aren’t other benefits, like making friends.

        Reply ↓
    4. K Smith*

      OP – there’s a lot of ways to get ahead in your career.

      Sure, speaking on panels *might* be one of them, under some circumstances. However, being great at your job and building personal connections is another way way to get ahead (even if some folks might consider you a “wallflower”).

      There is no *one way*!

      It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what your strengths are, and what you’re willing to do. Trust yourself! It’s OK to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do that you don’t think will benefit you.

      Reply ↓
    5. MozartBookNerd*

      Here’s a middle ground about building the career:

      Decline this one in a friendly and unagonized manner, BUT AT THE SAME TIME use it to build a little bridge to the future. “I hope you and Simone will keep me in mind for a similar panel in a couple of years! I’m interested in your work and would love to support it by speaking, further down the line.”

      This one is a nice opportunity, but short of milking it right now, deploy it in a long game. (In fact maybe you reach out to THEM in a couple of years.) Cheers and good wishes.

      Reply ↓
  20. Jellyfish Catcher*

    I began in an almost entirely male profession, decades ago. (it has changed for the better with a high percentage of women). I enjoyed my profession and it became “normal” after the first few years.

    You are not obligated to do this. Trust your gut and make the best decision for you. You might want to do this in later years, as I did, after I really felt respected and settled into my career choice.

    I totally understand the exposure that you feel: wow, it’s an actual women actually Doing Well in this actual “male” profession – how amazing is that!
    In the early years, I got so tired of exclamations of ….oh…um, you’re a women! Yup, sure am!
    So – take a break from facing that stuff at this time. You’ve earned that right, with no apologies to anyone.

    Reply ↓
  21. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “I’m not sure if this is a safe space to share my thoughts on being a woman.”

    Generally speaking, I feel like the workplace is almost never ready for people to be super candid about their experiences without there being some sort of negative consequence. Unless your company is already exceptional in their DEI work (and the last question here suggests to me they’re not), I would not assume this is a safe space.

    Reply ↓
  22. Anon for this*

    Ask the organizers what the compensation is. For real, there are a million stories on LinkedIn right now about how many women are being asked to do this, for Women’s Day, for free. The irony.

    Reply ↓
  23. Nightengale*

    I think also there is a difference between being on a panel for this in your field and at your employer. Not that a person has an obligation to do either. Ever. But even someone a few years into their field may have something to offer newer people in their field. A panel by an employer is really different.

    And no, I suspect strongly they aren’t going to ask male employees about balancing work and family.

    I’m a woman and a doctor, and it isn’t that unusual to be a woman and a doctor anymore (although some fields are still very male dominated) A few years ago I was alarmed to have been added, without my consent, to a women in medicine workplace group. Their main topics of discussion apparently relate to balancing work and family, which doesn’t have a lot of relevance for me. I eventually managed to opt out of the group, registered my dismay that it was “opt out” rather than “opt in” and went back to putting my energies into the disability group I HAD opted into.

    Reply ↓
  24. Poison I.V. drip*

    As the first black person in my position, my employer wanted me to lean heavily into that. I said no thanks. I don’t presume to speak for an entire demographic and I don’t want to be defined by that. And frankly, I’m scared of becoming a target for random Internet trolls.

    Reply ↓
  25. Apex Mountain*

    Of course you are under no obligation to be on this or any other panel. i don’t really see the questions as out of bounds or anything though – they sound pretty typical to what I would expect on such a panel.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      Yes, they are typical. Which doesn’t make them good or reasonable. It just means that probably whoever is doing this is not really thinking things through. It very much sounds like a pro forma effort.

      Reply ↓
      1. Apex Mountain*

        I don’t know – they seem like reasonable questions about women in a traditionally male workplace. I’ve never worked in an environment like that though so I don’t really know what types of questions would be better for the discussion.

        Reply ↓
        1. Observer*

          Really? Asking someone 3 years into her career about her approach to mentoring others is reasonable? That makes no sense.

          This was not a question for the LW as an individual but as “Woman”. That’s not how you get insight into the experience of women in general.

          Reply ↓
          1. Apex Mountain*

            It doesn’t have to be some kind of formal mentoring. Since there are so few women in LW’s field, even someone with just a few years experience can provide valuable insights to someone brand new and navigating for the first time.

            Reply ↓
            1. amoeba*

              Yeah, this. I mean, just stuff like “making sure to share relevant things/go for a regular coffee with new female employees” would qualify!

              Also, those are example questions for everybody, not specifically tailored to the LW. She could just talk about it from the other side, about finding a mentor, etc. Would be just as important!

              Reply ↓
              1. Observer*

                Also, those are example questions for everybody, not specifically tailored to the LW.

                That’s the problem. They are not thinking about the members of the panel as individuals.

                Reply ↓
                1. amoeba*

                  Huh? I mean, I’m picturing something like “this is the kind of question that might typically be asked of participants”, and, like, I’d never, ever expect that to be tailored to each single person?

          2. Xanna*

            If I were OP and asked that question I’d immediately go to: “I’m only 3 years into the workforce, so while I can’t yet speak to best practices for mentoring others, as someone who’s benefitted immensely from mentorship I’ve received through others in this company, my advice for others would be that having a trusted person to bounce ideas off of is incredibly helpful. I’ve found X, Y, Z helpful for building relationships and getting the most out of mentorship.”

            Like, there are multiple people on this panel, all of whom are sharing their personal experiences in this particular company, so obviously, not all the questions are custom-tailored to OP, nor is that a issue just by itself. Likely best to let a different panellist with experience as a mentor take the lead on that question, but that doesn’t mean it’s totally out of the realm of something she could comment on, or intrinsically offensive.

            Reply ↓
  26. Generic Name*

    I’ve been in a male-dominated industry for about 25 years, and it’s fucking exhausting. I am STILL often in meetings where I am the only woman or one of two women in a room with a dozen men. So that said, I do not blame you at all for not wanting to be on a panel. You are not obligated to do extra work to “pave the way” for more women. I dislike when people try to put the onus on marginalized people to do extra work to be less marginalized.

    Reply ↓
  27. Analytical Tree Hugger*

    100% agree you do NOT have any obligation to join this panel.

    It makes me think of the saying, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” As AAM advised, it would be different if you were excited for this, but you’re not.

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  28. Jennifer Strange*

    Let me start by saying if you don’t want to participate in the panel you have every right to decline. You don’t have to give a reason, you can just say, “No thank you!”

    That said, I do want to gently push back on one part of your letter:

    I also have never known any another female mechanic before or after I started working, so if I can do it, why can’t other women do it without hearing from me?

    I’m glad you were able to get into your field without having another woman as a guide/mentor/inspiration. That is truly great and makes me happy! But it’s important to keep in mind that not every girl and woman has the same upbringing. For some girls, the idea that mechanics (or tech or medicine or law or…[etc]) is “man’s work” gets drilled into their head from the moment they are born. For some, they never get to see people like them working in jobs beyond things like teacher or nurse or baker (or any job for that matter!) and it makes it difficult for them to picture themselves doing that kind of work.

    That’s why representation does matter, and why it’s important to give girls and women a fuller picture of what they can potentially do. I’m not saying this panel will do that, or that the people planning it are going about it in the best way (they may not be!) but there can be value to others in this sort of thing. Again, that doesn’t mean you need to feel guilted into taking part in this (you are allowed to set your own boundaries!) but I don’t want you to feel like there isn’t value in it should you decide later in life that it IS something you’d like to take part in.

    Reply ↓
  29. Bella Ridley*

    I don’t love the immediate reaction that the final question is sexist. If it is, it’s because the world we live in is sexist, and this is a real, fair question to discuss with panels because we are discussing the world as it is, not the way it should be.

    Of course you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to but these reactions are very much “I’m exactly the same as any man” when in fact, women in the workplace do face different and sometimes higher barriers than men do. I would be extremely put off to go to a panel of women in my industry and hear responses that were exclusively “well I’d just do exactly whatever men do” because it is not always the same.

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      The world IS sexist. And men are rarely if ever asked that question. But it’s also an insanely common question for panels like this, I supposed.

      Reply ↓
      1. metadata minion*

        Women are much more often expected to balance work and family in a way men aren’t. And while we work to get people of all genders involved in household labor, women are going to need to figure out how to deal with the unfair expectations that are put on them in terms of childcare and other “family” duties.

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      2. Sunny*

        And an insanely relevant question, I’d add! Many women don’t live in a household with perfect gender equality, and even if your husband takes on exactly half the sick days, doctor’s appointments, school closure days, etc., as a woman, you’ll likely still get treated differently for the same thing. And if the reality of success in this industry is “I don’t have work-life balance, but I hired a nanny” or “my in-laws moved in and took care of my kids”, it serves no one not to talk about that.

        Reply ↓
        1. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

          I read that if you are a woman who has kids and a high-powered career, you basically need to have a stay-at-home spouse or hire the equivalent. It’s just not the same for men, no matter how much we want it to be! Maybe someday, but not today.

          Reply ↓
          1. Susannah*

            I agree that it’s not that way now, no matter how much we want it to be.
            BUT, as long as we accept those terms, and treat questions like, “how do you balance family obligations with work obligations” as though it’s a tragic given, it will stay that way.
            Asking for “help” won’t help. Telling the person at work who assumes you will do the party-planning because you are a woman that it’s not right will not work. You really just have to say no.
            I fortunately do not have a problem of imbalanced home-work with my spouse. But a friend was having one with hers. Talk didn’t help. She had to start washing only her clothes and letting his pile up before he figured out he’d have to do laundry sometimes.

            Reply ↓
            1. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

              I think it is a hard balance for a lot of women- I don’t have kids and my husband is not an @**hole, so that helps a lot. But it’s more than pushing against your partner- it’s pushing against societal expectations. I agree that that women need to not accept these terms, but it’s HARD when you are pushing against ALL OF SOCIETY. I still think of the old MetaFilter Emotional Labor thread- (Google “Where’s My Cut?”: On Unpaid Emotional Labor + Metafilter) and a lot of it was about that.

              My husband was on the first round of layoffs at his last job where they jerked around the schedule and I’m sure part of the reason is that he DID push back a lot.

              Reply ↓
    2. Riley*

      I’m with you. The reality is that in most households, women are doing the second shift work of homemaking and childcare. And women want to know how other women are handing all the responsibility. Even if the answer is, “We hired people to help us” or “My husband handles all the kid stuff,” that variety of strategy is good to hear about!

      Tbh, I don’t know that an answer from a man will necessarily be helpful for women. I’m not saying they can’t be helpful, but the reality is that even a man who is doing the second shift 100% himself is still doing that on a different playing field than a woman is. It would be great for other men to hear from men on this, however, so it should be a standard question for all panalists!

      Reply ↓
      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, I mean, for a man, 50% is considered a lot. For a woman, the bare minimum if she’d lucky to find the right partner. I’d say most women I know do between 50-100%, and the corresponding men between 0-50%, so there’s a pretty significant difference there…

        Reply ↓
    3. atalanta0jess*

      Agreed, and if you’re parenting, it’s huge. Honestly when I had my two babies, I realized that there is also a whole other layer of this that impacts people who birth children extremely differently than parents who don’t. The exhaustion, the brain fog, the constant nausea before giving birth, all the physical strain that comes from pregnancy. And then decisions about breastfeeding, and if you do breastfeed the pumping, and the night feedings and and and. Now my kids are four and eight, and honestly they still relate to me differently (more demandingly) than they do their stay at home dad. And I relate to parenting differently than a man would. The ways that my experiences are different from the average man’s are very multifaceted and very real!!

      Reply ↓
    4. amoeba*

      Also, even if the world wasn’t sexist, that wouldn’t mean we could retire the question – doing 50% of child raising is still very much something you’d need to balance with your work life! Literally the only people who *don’t* face that issue are men who avoid the problem by pushing it all on women. So I’d say we need to start asking that question of anybody (with caregiving responsibilities, obviously, don’t just assume everybody has kids!). But to stop talking about it is not the solution.

      Reply ↓
  30. daffodil*

    Personal? Branding? Yeah, I don’t think the people who put this together thought it through. They asked you because they were hoping to add someone younger or someone in a technical role or both but didn’t think about how their questions didn’t make sense for you.
    OP, the fact that you’re a private person and don’t really want to be the “poster girl” is reason enough to decline. Some things about how this is set up makes me think it’s more of an exercise in lip service than doing anything real anyway.

    Reply ↓
  31. A Simple Narwhal*

    I’m curious what the point of this panel is. Are they really trying to understand how they can bring more women into this profession? Or are they just trying to pat themselves on the back for having a woman in this male-dominated profession? I’m strongly leaning towards option #2.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think there’s room to assume good intentions with bad outcomes, which I think is somewhere between both your options here, i.e. they probably think this is going to be useful to their employees, but whatever insights are shared by the panellists will be something that the employer thinks will magically transform their culture through osmosis rather than taking any of what they’ve said and actually implementing policies and structures that empower staff.

      Reply ↓
    2. Observer*

      I’m also leaning to #2.

      I mean, if they were really thinking about this, they would at least have realized that asking someone just three years into her career is not going to have a lot to say about being a mentor.

      Reply ↓
  32. Direct to the my point*

    It’s important to know the group assembling the panel, the audience and the purpose of the panel.
    Is it employers, HR departments trying identify or correct obstacles, problems in their own organizations?
    Or, is it a panel to encourage women into non-traditional roles? This can be fun and useful, a panel where you would be a real asset. I’ve done a lot of these, even developed a 20 minute talk I gave for years through the department of labor’s “welfare to work” program. I owned and ran a civil construction company, and value a good mechanic, don’t care if he’s green, 2’ tall, one eyed with an antenna!

    Reply ↓
  33. Justin*

    I think the worst thing is when people take part in these and they don’t have much to say, so, don’t do it.

    I for one enjoy this stuff (not re: gender, but race and adhd and mental health stuff), but it’s not for everyone. I’m also a public speaker, so, ya know.

    Reply ↓
  34. Call Me Wheels*

    I don’t think you have to do it. If encouraging other women in your industry is important to you, there’ll be other ways more suited to you that you’ll be able to do that, and even if it’s not an area you’re wanting or able to put extra effort into at the moment, just existing in your industry as a woman is doing good work I feel.

    Also, I don’t know if you got this sense from this panel, but my experience as a disabled person is sometimes I am encouraged to do these sort of things which feel more like the institution patting themself on the back for having a disabled person there than being actually beneficial. I refuse to be used as a spokesperson unless I think the thing actually will be helpful to the cause I care about, and I got the sense you feel doubtful this panel as a whole will even be useful to other women? It just sounds overall like this isn’t where you should be spending your energy I think.

    Reply ↓
  35. 1-800-BrownCow*

    OP, it sounds like you truly don’t want to do this so I say you can politely decline.

    I too work in a male-dominant field and am currently the only woman in a 30-person department. Although I am mid-career in my life right now. A year ago, I was asked to answer some questions for Women In [Industry] week for our company newsletter and felt conflicted as I knew I was asked as the ‘token female’. Then I later found out they asked a male manager in my department to also answer some questions regarding DEI in the workplace, which saddened/frustrated me because he is someone I consider prejudiced against women and minorities. I did answer the questions, but honestly, I sorta wish I hadn’t.

    Reply ↓
  36. pally*

    I blanched at the “How do you balance work and family needs” question.
    Sure, such info might be of help to folks.

    I wonder how the men of the industry might answer such a question. It seems to me that the men don’t factor in this balancing act in terms of laying out their career path and career goals. Yet many women do.

    The better questions might be “what does your career path look like?” and “how are you achieving your career goals?”

    Reply ↓
  37. DramaQ*

    I do not think #4 is sexist in and of itself. This is supposed to be a safe place for women to talk about issues that they face in particular in the workforce and no matter how much we want to deny it work/life balance still primarily affects women. I read an article that with so many women leaving the workforce during COVID it may set back women’s wage progress by 25 years. And women are still having to leave because daycare is increasingly scarce/expensive. Our parents are aging and having just gone through getting my grandmother into a home I can tell you it will suck your life force out of you and it is EXPENSIVE.

    I got my behind handed to me by my FEMALE boss for spending time on family related things and that I should be devoted more to my job. DH’s MALE boss was incredibly supportive of him taking time off to care for his parents. We also work for different employers who view work/life balance differently.

    Like it or not I am being pulled in two different directions and receiving two different messages by society. I am supposed to hustle and be devoted to my company (we’re family!) but then in my personal life I had multiple people telling me that I needed to do my “family duty” towards my grandmother and what a cruddy person I was for not devoting even more of my time to her.

    This is still relatively unique to women though I think it will start to shift as time goes on but it’s not shifting fast enough to be considered an issue of equal weight for both genders. It’s still primarily a women’s issue.

    I could have really used some guidance. Perhaps the panel could give it to me, perhaps not. The panel would be a space where I would feel a lot more comfortable voicing it. Yes as bad as it sounds I would lean into the sexism of it because any male there is going to go “Of course a woman would ask that” I am a voice in the void they don’t know me so it can’t come back to haunt me. Voicing it to my manager and HR has backfired in my face in a spectacular manner to the point where I wish I had never said anything at all. Honestly there are times where I do think it would have been easier for me to just quit. I know I am not alone in that boat.

    Reply ↓
    1. boof*

      This is interesting – obviously there’s no one size fits all answer but I was sort of under the impression from something I read somewhere that asking for things “for family” (essentially on behalf of someone else) tends to be a more successful negotiating strategy for women – not saying that’s a good thing / really genders should be treated equally of course, but I wonder how much of the difference you noticed was because the boss in question was man/woman rather than the askees were men/women (or, of course, it could be both; or it could be an outlier / completely other reasons eh). I feel like sometimes women enforce patriarchy values worse than men, especially if they way they succeeded was by basically trying to be a patriarchal man (“one of the guys!”) / playing into the system rather than by making the system more equal/inclusive.
      I think LW should not be on the panel, both because they don’t want to (#1!), because they are still early career, and it sounds like they haven’t really contemplated DEI much (understandable!). I’d really encourage LW to consider attending and listening though – unless it ends up being a garbage event (unfortunately, not all DEI is created equal / it’s entirely possible to do it very wrong) they may find some interesting things to contemplate as they move forward – and I think contemplating how to mentor folks early on even if that’s not what you’re ready for yet can be useful too – that way if/when you do want to do that you aren’t starting from scratch.

      Reply ↓
  38. bamcheeks*

    I don’t want fewer people asking women, “how do you balance your work and family needs?”, I want more people asking the same question to men.

    Reply ↓
    1. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

      THIS. Maybe if they had to say “Well, my wife does that…” a million times, something might click?

      This is the problem I have with Cal Newport’s Deep Work. Who is doing that (honestly, often still very important!) work he considers ‘shallow?’ Who is watching his kids while he does his all-important Deep Work? If the answer is a nanny or a babysitter, who arranged said childcare, manages everything around it, and takes a day off if the childcare falls through? I am guessing that it’s not Cal. I would LOVE to talk to his wife.

      Reply ↓
      2. Texan In Exile*

        Even before I knew a lot of this stuff, I wondered how all those scientists 100 years ago had time to do all that research. Who cooked their food? Who did the grocery shopping? Who washed their clothes?

        The excellent book “Who Cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner?” (by Katrine Marçal) contained no surprises, not for me and probably not for any woman.

        Reply ↓
        1. Woman Project (Man)ager in a Man's World*

          As I started reading your comment, I was going to recommend “Who Cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner?” but you were already there! :) It’s a great book.

          Reply ↓
          1. Texan In Exile*

            It and Caroline Criad0 Perez’s “Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men” are my main recommendations for other women! (Although I guess men should be reading them as well.)

            Reply ↓
  39. JT*

    I also don’t think the last question is out of place in general, but I noticed a lot of people are pointing out it must just mean a woman with a husband and kids. But it also brings up the fact that many women take on extra family responsibilities even if they are single and childfree – caring for aging parents, siblings, etc.
    if someone on a panel has no extra obligations it’s fine to just say it’s not an issue for you, but it’s a very reasonable question

    Reply ↓
    1. Person from the Resume*

      I think the problem is many men basically say work-life/family balance is not a problem without acknowledging that their stay-at-home or working wife handles the kids – picks them up from school, schedules and takes them to medical appointments, stays home when they’re sick, etc.

      Those men should be asked specific questions and called out on their responses on stage if they have someone else doing more than their “fair share.”

      Reply ↓
      1. DataWonk*

        A “fair share” is different for each couple, though. Some women are more than happy to be stay at home wives for big earners. I don’t understand what “calling out” is supposed to do; they don’t lie about it.

        Reply ↓
        1. Person from the Resume*

          Perhaps if he doesn’t mention childcare at all, ask if he misses some work hours due to various kid duties.

          Maybe someone’s answer is that they don’t have kids or kids are now in college and there’s a lot less demands on their time now.

          It doesn’t change how families manage their kids, but it acknowledges that work life balance is not the same for everyone.

          Reply ↓
        2. bamcheeks*

          If you’re serious about diversity in your organisation, you realise and notice that this is one of the reasons men can succeed and women can’t. You start looking at what your company would look like if you had a working day that accommodated the second shift that many of your female employees are doing.

          And if you’re not serious about diversifying— well, that’s also useful information for your employees.

          Reply ↓
          1. DataWonk*

            You have a much better question there without relying on a gotcha of someone’s personal life: “Does your organization accommodate flexible or second shift work, which has been shown to help working mothers retain workplace parity?”

            Reply ↓
            1. bamcheeks*

              But who are you going to ask it to, and when? The purpose of asking the question of men when they’re on panels talking about their success is to make it visible that this is what is happening.

              Reply ↓
  40. el l*

    That’s all you need to say, if they press for why after a simple No, thanks: “I’m a private individual who doesn’t share my private experiences publicly.”

    Because that’s a good enough reason for anyone anywhere to decline a panel invite.

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  41. Riley*

    You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Some things came up for me reading your letter that are worth sharing on a panel:

    I also make it a priority to ensure others see me as a regular mechanic, and not a female mechanic or “diversity hire,” and that I’ve earned my position instead of being handed it.

    This right here is your experience of being a female “mechanic.” Men do not have to engage in this calculus.

    What advice would you give women who are starting careers in the auto industry? Same advice I’d give any men who asked me.

    What would you say to women about prioritizing being seen as a mechanic and not a female mechanic? Would you say the same thing to men?

    What steps should women take in personal branding? I’m not 100% positive what personal branding is all about, but I assume whatever steps men take.

    You are already engaging in personal branding by branding yourself as a mechanic, not a female mechanic. Men do not have to take that step of branding themselves as mechanics rather than male mechanics.

    Honestly, LW, you need a female mentor. I advise you to take part in the panel so you can meet women at your company and find a female mentor.

    Reply ↓
  42. Cacofonix*

    “Thank you for thinking of me, but I will decline. May I propose that you invite any of my colleagues to appear on the panel and describe their experiences with working with women in a male dominated profession and advice they have for our company leaders on removing barriers so that we continue to create a welcoming profession for all genders.”

    Reply ↓
  43. Samwise*

    It’s so exhausting to have to represent one’s “category”

    You’re a woman! You should be on this panel/serve on this committee/mentor other women/be the go-to for questions about “what is it like to be a woman in X industry?”

    You have a disability! You should be on this panel/serve on this committee/mentor other people with disabilities/be the go-to for questions about “what is it like to be a person with a disability in X industry?”

    Etc etc etc ad nauseam

    Reply ↓
    1. Dahlia*

      I’m disabled and I also review books for a publisher, and for a while they kept sending me like every book even remotely related to disability they published, even if it was not something I normally read/reviewed or had expressed any interest in, and even if the disabilty representation was completely unrelated to my disability.

      It got old fast.

      Reply ↓
  44. CzechMate*

    When you say “the questions the marketing team are proposing,” does this mean your company’s marketing team? If so, you could say you’re interested in participating but wouldn’t feel comfortable with those questions specifically, then propose your own. What you’ve written in your letter–that you’re talented, work hard, and still worry about being seen as a “diversity” hire–*is* the kind of thing that should be more widely discussed in the world, if you’re up for it.

    Reply ↓
  45. learnedthehardway*

    OP, I would advise NOT participating in this panel – if only because you haven’t been in your career long enough to tell participants how you overcame issues. In fact, you’re more likely to be in the midst of dealing with these kinds of issues, and the last thing you want to do is to be on stage and be talking about what can only be current colleagues / managers and any difficulties you have had with them as the named participant in a panel.

    I think you’re a good audience for this panel discussion. And that’s the way I would phrase my refusal:

    ie. “I’m not at a point in my career where I can provide insight to other women on these issues, but would be very interested in attending to learn about other people’s successes.”

    Reply ↓
  46. Person from the Resume*

    Agree with nearly everything I’ve seen so far. You don’t want to do it; don’t do it. You’re not prepared to speak on these topics; don’t do it.

    Clearly these are generic questions for certain types of jobs (marketing) that people think having a “personal brand” is a thing. It’s marketing yourself.
    For mechanics a personal brand is basically that you’re a good/qualified/competent/skilled mechanic.

    But unlike someone creating a personal brand, you don’t consciously promote yourself that way; it just develops organically. LW’s a great engine mechanic.

    Reply ↓
  47. Madame Desmortes*

    I’m surprised not to have seen this yet, but: participating on a panel like this often means getting men in your workplace — possibly powerful men — mad at you, no matter how anodyne you try to be. You might say something they take as a personal attack (whether it is or not). They are quite likely to mansplain your experiences to you afterward, or Not All Men you, or similar sealioning.

    You don’t need that nonsense. Nobody does. And it’s incredibly unfair of your workplace to set you up for that! Tell the marketing team no.

    Reply ↓
    1. spcepickle*

      Yup! Every time I bring up that not all contractors are men and we should stop using he to describe them all as contractor is a gender neutral term I get it explained to me that he means everyone. I have been told that it is not going to change and that I need to accept that because most of men it is good enough.

      Reply ↓
      2. Generic Name*

        I work for a contractor, and yup. When we estimate costs, we still use the antiquated term “manhour”. One time I edited a spreadsheet so it read “personhour”, and I got questioned about it. sigh

        Reply ↓
    2. amoeba*

      Depends on the workplace – in ours, it would absolutely be fine and probably actually quite helpful to gain visibility! But the men here at least all do agree that these kinds of panels are important and that we need more women in the field, even though obviously we still don’t do enough.
      And I do want to push back against “You don’t need that nonsense. Nobody does. You don’t need that nonsense. Nobody does.” I find forums like that can be incredible valuable and helpful, if done well, and *not* doing them at all is certainly not the solution. (Although of course, nobody should be forced to be part of them!)

      Reply ↓
  48. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    I’ve done my time being the ‘spokesperson’ on the various DEI categories I fall under and I don’t blame ANYONE who doesn’t want to do it. I certainly don’t.

    There are upsides to speaking out – you get to speak your piece and provide an alternate view.

    There are, in my experience, a lot of downsides. Being held up as a token never feels nice and you get handed a lot of the blame – after all if YOU said something wasn’t a problem then no other woman can ever complain! Or if you said something wasn’t sexist then the leadership takes it as a gold stamp that anything they do is perfectly ok!

    Additionally, I’m very, very tired of the ‘how do you balance children and this job?’ questions. Because I don’t have or want kids and have spent a whole career fighting against the women = babies assumption. Now if it were a generic ‘work/life balance’ question across ALL gender identities then that would be fine.

    Reply ↓
  49. Observer*

    To start with, I totally agree with Allison that you have absolutely no obligation to be on this panel. Full stop.

    Your comment that “I also have never known any another female mechanic before or after I started working, so if I can do it, why can’t other women do it without hearing from me?” is pretty toxic. Any version of “if I can do it, so can anyone else” generally qualifies. I am not trying to guilt you into being on this panel. Really. Recognizing that something is useful is *not* the same as “therefor I need to do this thing.” And that applies here as much as to anything else.

    So feel free to decline. I think that Allison’s verbiage works well. But please do understand that for many women seeing other women in these roles *does* matter, and it does *not* indicate that there is anything lacking in them, their efforts, or their approach.

    PS You might want to send your answers to the organizers – and highlight that last question and answer. I hope that it would give them some food for thought.

    Reply ↓
  50. CorgiDoc*

    For context, I no longer work in a male dominated field, though I did for several years early in my career before I made a career change (for reasons unrelated to the male-dominated-ness). I have complicated feelings around that last question… I totally agree it is not likely to be asked at a seminar geared towards men, or asked of a man. But on the other hand, when I was starting out in a male dominated field, it would absolutely have been a question I would want to hear about and would have been one that mattered the most to me. Not so much about the day to day of having kids and working but mostly about taking maternity leave and pregnancy and family planning and how to prevent that from damaging my career. Having kids is just about the most important thing in my life to me (currently trying to conceive) and for better or worse the reality is I can’t just bounce back and come back to work the day after my baby is born, like a man could. Talking about managing that side of things was 100% absolutely the most helpful thing about having female mentors in a male dominated field, in my personal opinion.

    Reply ↓
    1. Person from the Resume*

      Hell, it would be helpful eye opening if a senior female leader would say that she has a stay at home husband or a nanny or extremely helpful family, and people could hear that too. That’s she’s not balancing without extra help not available to everyone.

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  51. I am the Letter Writer*

    Thanks Alison for answering my question – I’ll be honest, this was NOT the answer I was expecting. I was fully anticipating a push to be on the panel, but I’m happy to not see that.

    To answer a few questions: the DEI council is made up of volunteers. No one was hired to be exclusively working on DEI initiatives. Marketing is involved because they have a part in all events, but lots of marketing people are on the council too. I don’t know what they do on a day-to-day basis – I declined a spot on the council years ago. This panel is also supposed to be completely internal, but I know snippets will make their way to linkedin/social media. This panel is probably a step up compared to last year’s ideas. The DEI council wanted to give all the women pink safety vests to wear on the auto floor and I shut that down swiftly.

    To answer other comments on sexism and my experiences: no, I’ve never been expected to take notes, get coffee, or mistaken as the receptionist. My male dominated team equally share the “extra duties” like ordering office supplies and planning potlucks. I’ve never been teased for wearing girly colors or decorating my workspace with butterflies. I get more flack for not reaching the top shelf without a step stool than anything else. I was one of the first promoted out of my training group, and have always been in the top half of co-workers for annual reviews, customer feedback, etc.

    As to next steps, I’m choosing the wait and see method. I’ve sent a list of clarifying questions to the organizer and waiting to hear back. There are also some benefits I can’t ignore, namely face time with the CEO. If it ends up that things don’t outweigh my personal hesitations, I’ll gladly bow out.

    Reply ↓
    1. Madame Desmortes*

      Oof. I’m not sure face-time with the CEO is an unmixed blessing in this context.

      Ask yourself: do you want the CEO to know you as The Woman? Because that’s what’s being set up here, and it could as easily harm you as help you.

      If it were me, for what that’s worth, I would do a fast fade off this panel… the fastest.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anna*

        Reminds me of an Indigenous-led conference that asked women to wear red if they were pregnant or menstruating. I guess the Indigenous community that was hosting had a cultural tradition that women would wear red in these circumstances. Did not translate well to a professional development event. Thankfully I didn’t have to go.

        Reply ↓
    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I commented below, but PINK SAFETY VESTS????
      What the actual f—?
      This is not a DEI initiative that I would want any part of, for the record.

      Reply ↓
    4. TQB*

      What’s the audience for the event? Is it women, or are you expected to womansplain to the men about your perceived troubles? I wrote more below but want to qualify it by saying our event is directed towards women. Men are not excluded but the audience is typically mostly women.

      Reply ↓
    5. Indolent Libertine*

      Nthing the sentiment that you absolutely don’t need to agree to be part of this panel. But I wonder whether there might be some value in taking part, and getting up there and saying exactly what you’ve written here? That, given all the horror stories that are common to so many women across so many workplaces and industries, about the default assumptions that we should take notes and get coffee and plan potlucks and that of course our men colleagues are going to view us as targets for juvenile “humor” and/or dating material and/or unfair competition for “their” promotions, you’re very pleased to be working in a place that has created a culture where everyone is seen as part of the team, everyone shares all the hard and soft tasks, and all the colleagues treat each other well? That you’ve never wanted your colleagues or employer to see you as “The Woman,” and indeed in your experience on this team they don’t, and your best advice to the company is to seek out and value this kind of collegiality in future hiring and promoting, on an equal footing with other qualifications, because it’s created a workplace where you actually don’t have unique “stuff” to deal with as A Woman In [Name Of Industry Here]?

      Reply ↓
    6. Observer*

      This panel is probably a step up compared to last year’s ideas. The DEI council wanted to give all the women pink safety vests to wear on the auto floor and I shut that down swiftly.

      Oh dear! Yeah, I see why you are concerned about this not being a safe space to really be honest. And also, as much as you try to be seen as a competence hire, no matter what you do, you *are* being seen as either the “diversity hire” or “the woman” on the team, at least by some people.

      It also confirms the thing that was making me uncomfortable with what you described – the people on the council are looking at “Woman” as a singular entity with some specific characteristics rather than individual women, whose experiences can help people get a sense of the reality that women face.

      namely face time with the CEO.

      I’m going to agree with the others that you need to think about how this face time will workout. Is this going to be a situation where the CEO remembers you are “a woman on the panel” or “Awesome letter writer”? Because the former may not be in your best interests.

      I’m choosing the wait and see method. I’ve sent a list of clarifying questions to the organizer and waiting to hear back.

      That sounds like a sensible move.

      Lots of luck whatever you decide!

      Reply ↓
  52. Bruce*

    My late wife was one of the first hard-hat wearing technicians at her job, joined Toastmasters, and had a black-belt, but I doubt she would have agreed to be on such a panel with only 3 years experience in the job. Like you she valued fitting into the culture in a way where she was respected but not held up as a special case. In spite of having to use “pain holds” on a couple of gropers (one time only for each of the creeps) she succeeded, did a good job and got along well. Maybe after 10 years you’ll feel more like it, or maybe not… best wishes!

    Reply ↓
  53. spcepickle*

    I am a women working in heavy construction. I totally agree you don’t have to do the panel. But I also want to share that it took me years to be able to say no to stuff like this. It is complicated to play in the internal politics of work. As I got better at saying no, I have not felt any determinate to my career.
    Instead of showing up to be a the face of DEI at work (and doing unpaid extra work that does not actually help my career while being asked sexist questions), I have found it way more fun to work with kids. For me that means offering to show up to career day in my friend’s classroom and working with the local girl scouts. This way I get to show all kids that women can be in these careers while also just showing off a great career choice.

    Reply ↓
    1. kt*

      I love this comment! I am a woman who has been in male-dominated areas for all my working life. I had a lot of problems in academia being shunted off into low- or no-pay work that well-meaning men felt I “had to” do in order to show that my field was Good for Women. The irony is thick. I went into my field to do that field’s work, not be a token lady.

      Were I asked to be on this panel, I’d likely say no. I’m taking a side job that will bring me back into orbits where I’m asked to do “Lady Stuff” like panels and have already determined I’ll say no, absent pay for my thoughts or a personal connection. However, activities like going to certain school groups? Super fun. Kids are fun and funny. Adults, eh, I don’t want to talk with them. Not saying you need to talk to kids: I’m saying you can accept/decline invites based on whether they get you things you want (fun, time with the CEO, exposure to other parts of the company, and so on).

      Reply ↓
  54. tina turner*

    It’s OK to say ytou have nothing to add. A little humility is refreshing. But you need to realize when you DO have nothing to add. Being new is one reason.

    Reply ↓
  55. Chauncy Gardener*

    I’ve been in male dominated industries (think military etc) my whole career and I am very senior level now. I would have zero interest in doing this panel, especially earlier in my career.
    “No thanks” is a full sentence that you can use in this situation and just move on with your life.
    Hope your career works out well for you!

    Reply ↓
  56. Miss Demeanor*

    Just once I would like the internal groups that think up panels like this to do something way different — like pick white men at every level in the corp to do psychodrama (which, btw, I generally hate, but I’ll make an exception here) as a member of an under-represented group and ask them to answer these questions in that guise before an audience of said under-represented groups. It would be a very interesting learning experience, although it would probably contribute to an even leakier pipeline.

    Reply ↓
  57. TQB*

    I am on the planning committee for a similar event, so I will speak in defense of the concept (but not the specific questions, as they are flat footed and unlikely to elicit meaningful responses. Also, I agree that LW should say NO because she does not want to do it, and that’s reason enough.)

    We have invited women to share their stories of how they got to be where they are, but also welcomed variations that were far less personal, especially where presenters are well-established. The response of “same as I’d tell a man!” Is great! The follow up is, ok, what is that, exactly? Often women are NOT given the same advice and guidance, and hearing another woman point out that there’s not actually anything gender-specific or requiring of accommodation about her work is meaningful. Do not overlook that the audience may be full of women who have not only not been given guidance in your field, but actively steered away from it.

    If this is something you feel some inclination to do in the future, I’d suggest attending it first. If it’s annoying and useless, fine. Our event is mostly geared towards networking and the panel is a small portion of the event, and we typically get our panel from folks who’ve attended before who volunteer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Abogado Avocado*

      “Often women are NOT given the same advice and guidance, and hearing another woman point out that there’s not actually anything gender-specific or requiring of accommodation about her work is meaningful.” I’m sure hearing that is meaningful to HR and General Counsel’s office because they’re probably thinking, “Dodged another discrimination lawsuit there!” and “Wow! What great evidence for defending our existing discrimination litigation.”

      But this answer is not really meaningful if it’s not said in a safe space. And these panel discussions are not safe spaces. They are performative spaces for the organization, which is looking to say, “No problems here! Keep moving!” Further, to the extent you believe these panels are safe spaces, please tell us about a time when someone disclosed significant discriminatory event(s), the org’s lack of action, and then HR’s substantive follow-up.

      Reply ↓
      1. TQB*

        Agree – i should have clarified that the event I work on is first of all an industry event, not a specific company, and it’s geared towards women. We don’t have any stated policy that men cannot attend, but in 10 years I think only a handful ever have.

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  58. Ana Gram*

    20+ years into my male dominated career, I enjoy doing things like this. 3 years in? I was just trying to survive by blending in. I totally get where you’re coming from.

    Reply ↓
  59. Who knows*

    I love your pointed answers! I’d be tempted to respond with a link to the music video for “Now You Know” by Icon For Hire, in which Ariel calls out this issue in the music industry, but the lyrics are NSFW…

    Reply ↓
  60. Cohort1*

    I see some potential for concern in participating in this panel. If there are 300 men and one woman working as a mechanic, it makes her stick out. It brings up “diversity hire” talk. While the new administration is putting the big kibosh on anything DEI, one week in the kibosh currently affects federal workers only. Does that include any company that has federal contracts? There is talk of taking this into the private sector:

    But Trump wants to expand this beyond just the federal government. He also ordered agencies to provide a list of companies to investigate their DEI policies, which could have a chilling effect on the private sector. [USA Today]

    If I were LW, I’d be keeping my head down at work, not reminding people that I’m the only woman in this position (and therefore must be an unqualified person who usurped the position from a more qualified white man and was hired only to make the company compliant with diversity regs).

    My viewpoint on this: In high school, we all took an aptitude test and I scored in the 99th percentile in mechanical reasoning. No one ever suggested I could be a mechanic or other related options, but maybe a secretary. I scored in the 20th percentile in clerical aptitude. I gave that a pass and went to the top university they told me I wouldn’t succeed in and graduated with honors 4 years later. Woman who find they have a knack and an interest in mechanical work should be able to do so, woman who want to be executive assistants should be able to do so.

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  61. Turtle Dove*

    I’m a woman who retired from a global, male-dominated IT company after almost 30 years. I was automatically made a member of the new “Woman at [Global Company Name]” group a decade or so ago. It bothered me. I wanted my work to matter, not my gender. It shouldn’t define or differentiate me. When I tried to opt out, I was told no because the software mined employee data and included anyone recorded as female. I tried to change my gender but wasn’t allowed to edit it. It’s not like there was a corresponding group for “Men at [Global Company Name].” It still bugs me.

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  62. Jenesis*

    It sounds to me like some of these questions, such as the mentoring question and the work/family balance question, might be more appropriate as breakout session topics rather than generic panel questions. In the case of the latter, the women who are genuinely anxious about balancing work/childcare/elder care/etc. can have a place to share their personal stories and get advice on it, and the remaining women don’t have to sit through the experience of feeling othered in a space that is supposed to be about diversity and inclusion.

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    1. Riley*

      It is consistent with a space that is supposed to be about diversity and inclusion to listen to the experiences and concerns of your coworkers even when you don’t share them.

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  63. boof*

    I fell you LW! I don’t want to run around being “I AM A WOMANNNNNN” I just want to do my work! That being said, I have with some reservation attended some of these events, and I personally found them unexpectedly interesting/helpful. I don’t know if it would be for you because it sounds like the details of your job could be different than the majority of people hosting the panels. But I’d consider at least attending even if you didn’t want to speak – then decide if it seems like it’s not for you.
    Example – on a physician women’s panel, one of them brought up how when they were in charge, a male incoming trainee asked them for some extra $ before starting to help bridge the health insurance for their family. And they thought sure, reasonable! Then they thought more about how if they did this, they’d be giving one trainee a benefit because they asked, and not others, who may be in the same position, and note this trainee was male and there’s a general tendency for men to be more willing to ask for stuff than women, for various reasons, etc etc – bottom line she thought it was a reasonable request but made sure to just give it as a bonus to all trainees not just to people who ask, or people with families, etc. Becuase ultimately equal pay for equal work is better than squeeky wheel gets the grease.

    OP in your case it IF you were doing this (or even just writing in!) it may be helpful to emphasize that you lean on male mentors and have had good experiences navigating the system even if it is male dominated. Again, totally ok to not participate or at least not be a panelist if you’ve never done such a thing before but consider attending and thinking about whether it might be something you’d want to contribute to (or learn from!) in the future.
    … or of course you may find it’s a bunch of sexist BS like “how to organize a sales bake for the office!” but hopefully not.

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    1. boof*

      A follow up – I have been to some events “for women” that were also just… kinda bad. One I recall was about practicing saying no, and the prompt I got was “you were offered a directorship but you are considering trying to start a family in the next year; how do you say no”. OH I WAS SO OFFENDED BY THAT PROMPT I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT PRACTICE SAYING NO. What is hilarious is later on I have discovered I absolutely do have to figure out how to say no to things – but not because I “might maybe be pregnant” but because I was getting actually seriously burned out and the farther up you get the more delegation and choosing where to spend your time and energy is important. That particular workshop did a terrible job of really articulating that, unfortunately.
      And yes I had had multiple children when I faced that question and my first response was “what, who knows if pregnancy plans will work out why the hell would I limit myself preemptively?” Children do change the calculus of how much energy I have and I do have a stay at home spouse too – that being said I am not at all offended by work life balance questions because I actually think that’s just something that shouldn’t be gendered / women have the right idea that maybe there’s something more to life than work. Maybe the fact that that isn’t emphasized in patriarchal positions is why some men end up feeling empty and suicidal midlife; they poured everything into their job like they were “supposed to,”, did all the things that look good on paper (high income, spouse, kids) and.. then what. The kids they never had a real relationship with, spouse maybe or maybe not gets disillusioned with the deal and leaves, or has grown distant since the lives are so separate, no friends, no hobbies; job success without any other meaningful connections can end up pretty hollow.

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  64. Stay*

    I am guessing the mechanic is an A&P and has been invited to speak at the WAI conference. Having attended the conference many times, I think you might be surprised at the event. If it is this event, it is incredible and mechanics are very underrepresented! Being a woman in a male field is a unique challenge, and I totally get not wanted to do an event like this, but also its okay to let other women know your struggles. You are blazing a path whether you like it or not, and I don’t doubt you have a ton of insight to offer.

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  65. Burnt Out Librarian*

    This is absolutely not your circus nor your clowns, and you can opt not to participate. I promise we won’t revoke your woman card.

    Honestly while I see the need for these kinds of panels (still, which is frustrating), part of me wishes it went the other way too. I’m in a very feminized field *points at username* and there’s never anything at the various library conferences about “succeeding in a female-dominated field” for men. Honestly I would love to see it, especially if it winds up being tongue-in-cheek where guys have to answer questions like #4. Think the hashtag that went around social media a couple of months ago about women doing the terrible things guys are just expected to do to their partners/colleagues/women in their lives.

    You’d need a particular brand of guy who “gets it” to be on the panel, but it could really open up conversations, especially about WHY we still have to have panels like this.

    But also as someone based in the US, it’s interesting to see people still planning DEI-centered stuff. I wonder if that will become the domain of only non-US organizations for the next few years…

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    1. commensally*

      As another librarian, I love this, and would love to see it done at a conference in all sincerity. I’ve pointed out repeatedly here, with agreement from the men at my branch that men do face difficulties women don’t – along with everyday dealing with assumptions from both the public and other staff, our pay scales *still* assume everybody has a higher-paid (male) spouse at home who’s covering the mortgage and health insurance….

      (there’s starter career-track jobs in the system you literally can’t work without a spouse who has a better job, because if you need our health insurance, your take-home salary ends up being less than 10% of your pay.)

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  66. BigLawEx*

    You don’t have to do it. I think the last time I (a black woman) did anything like this was when I was a junior/senior in college. After that in law school and after, I just…opted out. It was extra unpaid work that had no (as far as I could/can see) appreciable benefit except to make others feel better…maybe?

    People have *feelings* about what they see as my obligations. I let them have their feelings. Those are not mine to manage.

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  67. JMC*

    I have to wonder how long the DEI situation will even last, it seems so many companies are getting rid of any DEI stuff these days, which is maddening.

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    1. boof*

      Honestly I was a little pleased to see some places are still making an effort.
      Rubber stamp/lip service DEI helps no one. I’ve been to some DEI initiatives that were quite thoughtful and helpful / reminders of how to overcome our possible internal biases.

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  68. WantonSeedStitch*

    LW, after reading the questions and answers you posted, I would like to submit the following for you to think about:

    1) What advice would you give women who are starting careers in the auto industry? Do you honestly feel that women and men entering the auto industry face the same kinds of situations and challenges? No difference? But if not, why are you the only woman in your position? If there are differences, what are they, and how do you think women should navigate those differences?
    2) How do you approach mentoring younger women? I’m young and am still getting mentored (by men). I don’t mentor yet, so can’t help you there. Do you think mentoring is something you might do in future? What do you think would be important for them to know? For this, see question 1. Do you wish you had someone to mentor you? What would you ask them? What would you want them to help you with?
    3) What steps should women take in personal branding? I’m not 100% positive what personal branding is all about, but I assume whatever steps men take. Personal branding is how you present yourself, what people see as your particular skills and strengths. For example, in my workplace, I am a wordsmith and someone who is savvy about people management. I’m known as an advocate for my team. If I were known as the person who’s always happy to do what’s asked, what would that mean for my career? Sometimes, women are assumed to have certain characteristics in the workplace just BECAUSE THEY ARE WOMEN (accommodating/subservient or domineering/mean are the most common ones. How would you advise other women to present themselves in order to avoid being pigeonholed and stereotyped by people who are prone to doing that without thinking?
    4) How do you balance your work and family needs in this demanding field? I highly doubt they’d ask this question to a panel of men! But I don’t have a household or pets, so pretty easily. THIS IS WHAT TO SAY. “Would you ask this of a panel of men? Women are ASSUMED to be caretakers of their family in a way that men are not. I advise you to give some thought to how ALL people can balance work and other life, regardless of their gender, their marital status, their parental status, etc. Everyone needs to live their lives outside work, and we shouldn’t make assumptions about what those lives look like based on gender, age, or anything else.”

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    1. Allonge*

      These are awesome questions for someone who wants to do the panel. Why would OP need to do all this if she does not?

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  69. Worldwalker*

    Long ago, I was on a CAP search & rescue ground team. We were on a missing aircraft search, based out of a small airport. There was a reporter and cameraman hanging around. One evening, they managed to corner me in the operations center. I’d had actual classes on how to say nothing to reporters — really, the Public Affairs Officer really is the person who knows what’s going on! Talk to them! — so I braced myself for the expected questions.

    The first question?

    “What is it like being a woman in the field with a ground team.”

    My answer was probably not what they expected. “Just like being a man with a ground team: I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I hurt.” My uniform was covered in mud up one side and looked like I’d slid down a hill — I had. And I was clinging to a plate of terrible lasagna donated by a local hospital (I think they were trying to drum up business) for dear life; it was the only thing I’d had to eat except trailmix since morning. What did the expect me to say? “I’m doing this for all women, so mere physical hardships don’t affect me” or “I’m afraid I chipped a nail!” I neither knew nor cared. Cold (this was in a snowy April), mud, rocks, and that lasagna, show no favoritism.

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  70. Takki*

    It’s of course your choice of what to do here, but I think women would benefit from hearing exactly what you put here in your letter.

    You want to be taken seriously so you do x, y, z. You want to make sure people don’t see you as a woman first, so you do x, y, z. You struggled with coming here to give other women the benefit of your experience because you were concerned with how it would be perceived at work. These are all things that women entering your field would want to hear about, either to help you break down the walls or to avoid the pitfalls you’ve seen thus far. Just because you’re younger and less experienced than other speakers doesn’t make your story any less important, interesting, or helpful. I’m in my 40s, and I’d love to hear from a younger woman about what she’s experiencing in the workplace today. My work experience is vastly different than yours, and you offer a valuable perspective to the younger women entering the workforce as well as the older women about how things have changed and stayed the same in this field.

    I hope you choose to speak, but in the wake of recent US political events, I completely understand why you wouldn’t. Either way, I’m happy to see women continuing to blaze trails into industries, and very sad that trails still have to be blazed.

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  72. Shanderson*

    OP, I would STAND and CHEER if I heard a woman on a panel answer “family balance” with “do you ask dudes that?”. That question needs to die in a fire, or we make a point of indeed asking dudes just to highlight that nonsense.

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  73. Grace*

    I think OP is very naive if they think there aren’t different rules or advice for women in any industry compared to advice for men. If she was required or inclined to do this panel, she could interview other women in the company about what their advice would be, and why they never considered being a mechanic. I’m sure at least a few of them were discouraged because of gender. She could also ask males these same questions, and refer to key differences in how some behaviors are rewarded when men do them, but not when women do.

    I highly recommend they check out some of Fiorello La Guardia’s quotes and history advocating for “merit” based promotions. Minorities (whether gender or race) often reach pinnacles of success in SPITE of their background. There’s still plenty of room for snark, but I personally think there’s a responsibility for women who are offered a platform to take it. It’s understandable to be nervous about it, but I think there’s room to be honest about why they were hesitant as well.

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  74. commensally*

    LW, if you want to give more than a flat denial, it might be worth pointing out when you decline that the questions seem to be aimed at someone in a very different point in their life and career that you are, so you don’t think this is the right panel for you to be on.

    (If you do want to do something to help, depending on the event itself, it might be useful to recommend to them a coworker who has stood out to you as a mentor? “I’m not in the right place in my career to take part in this kind of panel, but Wakeem, who has twenty years experience, has done a great job mentoring me as a woman in this career and would probably have very useful advice for other men who want to make the same commitment.” But you have no obligation to do that either.)

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  75. prnf*

    OP, if you’re up for it, I would join the panel and give exactly those answers. It sounds like the organizers might have a specific idea in their heads about what a woman in your industry looks like, and it would be a service to push back against that.

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