how to ask “did you get my gift?” without sounding like you’re fishing for a thank-you

by Alison Green on January 9, 2025

A reader writes:

I have an extremely low-stakes question: Is there a way to say “did you receive my gift?” that doesn’t come off as aggressively asking to be thanked but instead expresses what I really want to know, which is, “FedEx/etc said it was delivered but was it really? Or do I need to investigate?”

My workplace has a very flexible work-from-home policy so I don’t necessarily see the small team I manage in person on a predictable schedule. This was complicated this year by me catching a cold and working from home the whole last week before our two-week winter break.

I sent the same type of gift I send every year (normally very enthusiastically received). I got emails from the vendor that they were delivered, and only one person texted to say she received it. I waited two days and then sent texts to the three others to be sure the gifts arrived. Everyone responded that they had and “thank you” and “sorry, I was waiting to thank you in person (which would have been in over two weeks at that point). Then I felt like I’d been pushy. I honestly just wanted to know if I needed to investigate an issue!

This has happened in my personal life as well. Right now it has been over a year since attending my friend’s wedding and I haven’t received a thank-you note for the gift I sent. I’m wondering he thinks I’m cheap or unmannered and just opted out of gifting. I don’t want to ask because several years ago I did ask a friend about a gift more than a year after his wedding and I received a hastily written thank-you note the next week. I don’t need thanks! I just need to know you got it!

I was able to solve this with my bother re: gifts for my niblings easily enough; I said that it was important to me to get a “hey, got the package” text, even if it’s not important to him to send one. But I can’t say that to my team members or when it’s a one-off gift. Am I the only one who worries about this and I just need to tamp down my anxiety? Start gifting in person?

You are not the only one who worries about this, and you are right that it’s hard to navigate without coming across as if you’re fishing for a thank-you.

The easiest way to avoid it is indeed to give the gift in person, but that’s not always possible or practical.

The next easiest approach is to send a note close to the time you expect the gift to arrive, saying something like, “I sent you something small in the mail — it should arrive this week.” That way, they’ll know to let you know if nothing arrives. If you want, you can even add, “I’m always nervous about the mail at this time of year so please let me know if it doesn’t arrive.” But after that, you don’t need to follow up; you’ve alerted them that it’s coming, and so the part you’re worried about is taken care of.

Of course, it’s still possible that they might not alert you if the gift doesn’t arrive — because they’re forgetful or they feel awkward about telling you they didn’t receive anything — but you’ll have taken reasonable steps and don’t really need to cover every possible base. The exception would be if the gift is something so valuable that it warrants additional follow-up — but I’m guessing you’re not sending team members diamond jewelry or anything like that.

Alternately, it’s not that big of a deal if you want to just say, “Hey, did you get the package I sent you?” But since you’re looking for alternatives, these are some.

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{ 101 comments }

{ 101 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. PineappleColada*

    I also think it’s fair game to preemptively say: “I sent you a package that should be arriving on ___. Let me know if you get it!”

    Which is very similar to Alison’s wording but puts the onus on them to at least verify when they receive it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      See, I prefer the “let me know if you *don’t* get it” framing, because it closes the loop unless there’s a problem – OP can relax knowing that the employee will alert them if the expected thing doesn’t arrive, but no news is good news, and it saves them from the onus of seeming to want people to demonstrate their gratitude.

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        In theory, yes, but if the person forgets that OP asked them about a gift, then they won’t necessarily remember to tell the OP that the gift didn’t arrive. (I hope I parsed out all the negatives correctly in that sentence!) If OP asks them to let them know the gift arrived, then if they don’t hear back a few days after the expected delivery, it’s not quite as odd for OP to ask again.

        Honestly, though, it really doesn’t matter which method you choose. The fact is that no matter how OP asks, it’s only going to seem pushy if the recipient thinks you’re being pushy. If you frame it as Alison mentioned, that you worry about delivery and not seem like you’re making it an expectation that the recipient show gratitude, I think you’re fine.

        I kind of feel like giving the recipient a heads-up ruins a little bit of the surprise, since actually getting a gift can be even more lovely than whatever the gift is, but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal either way, and especially in this case when you give the gift every year anyway.

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      2. PineappleColada*

        Yeah the thing for me on this is that sometimes people will still forget to look for it, and so if they don’t confirm, it could mean “I forgot to look for it” or “I didn’t get it.”

        Like, my brother is spacey already, works nights and has 3 kids he’s running around after. If I say “Let me know if you don’t get it” then yeah the loop is closed but it’s still possible that he’ll completely forget to check, so that doesn’t solve the original concern.

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        1. Elenna*

          Well, it solves part of OP’s problem, which is that OP worries people will think they’re rude/cheap for not getting a gift. If you send that message then that at least eliminates the possibility of “your brother remembered to expect a gift but didn’t get one and now he thinks you’re rude” – either he’ll forget entirely, or he’ll remember that you tried and follow up with you.

          But you’re right that it doesn’t solve the part of the problem where OP presumably wants to ensure that people actually did get the gifts and didn’t just forget.

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          1. Just Another Cog*

            “….OP presumably wants to ensure that people actually did get the gifts and didn’t just forget”

            OP, I like Alison’s second suggestion of a note letting them know something’s on the way and to let you know if it isn’t received. Then don’t worry about it.

            As for giving gifts to people in person, here’s a story about that not even being a sure bet:

            My spouse recently handed his sibling a card that had a gift card inside. Sibling set the card down without acknowledging anything. There is nothing to indicate that his sibling has animosity towards him, but we haven’t heard one way or another that his sibling even opened it to discover the gift card. We never get a thanks anyway, but it would be nice to know the gift card wasn’t tossed with the unopened card. It’s all sorts of weird. We just have to figure we gave it without expectations of a thanks, because we know it won’t happen.

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      3. LL*

        Yeah, the head of my area at work recently sent an email saying she’d sent gifts from her and our director and said to let her know if we didn’t get it. I appreciated that because I didn’t need to respond!

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      4. margaret*

        I agree with this because the point is to make sure the gift recipient knows a gift was sent, not actually to ensure they received it. If the gift recipient still totally spaces and forgets to tell you the gift never arrived, it doesn’t matter that much to the social transaction unless the gift was super expensive or special/irreplaceable.

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        1. Baby Yoda*

          But I did want to know a gift arrived once AND that they knew there was food in the box. It was after a funeral and a tasteful remembrance basket from Amazon was sent to the family’s home. I was afraid seeing an Amazon box, they’d just stick it in a spare room to open later. I was really torn on whether to ask them about it, but finally asked one of their relatives. Still felt like I was fishing for a thank you.

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    2. LL*

      Yeah, the head of my area at work recently sent an email saying she’d sent gifts from her and our director and said to let her know if we didn’t get it. I appreciated that because I didn’t need to respond!

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    3. Kelly*

      I don’t want an employee gift if the onus is on me to confirm it was received. The best holiday gift from employers are gift cards which can be emailed.

      Reply ↓
  2. Parcae*

    A heads up can also be helpful for the recipient. My old building was plagued by package thieves, so anything I wasn’t on the lookout for was liable to vanish into the night.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lisa*

      Relatedly, I don’t have a problem with package thieves, but delivery people do tend to leave packages in weird places. If I don’t know to be looking for it it could be a while before I found it.

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      1. Judge Judy and Executioner*

        People in my neighborhood Facebook group post regularly about their packages being delivered to the wrong house. They will include the picture they received and then usually someone recognizes the house and the poster gets their packages back. It happens A LOT.

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        1. Ama*

          Yes this happened to us and they delivered it to the wrong house number and street (a block over), but exactly parallel to where our house was on our block. Our guess is that a lot of delivery drivers only look at the GPS which can sometimes be a little off in our area, because if they’d looked at either the house number or the street sign they would have easily been able to tell they weren’t in the right place.

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          1. Dust Bunny*

            I routinely get mail for 1234 Cranbrook Lane when I live on 1234 Shadybrook Lane (not real street names, obviously). Same neighborhood, and Cranbrook is about three blocks away. But 75% of the address is not the address!

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            1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

              There was a phase when we had the equivalent mistake so often, I printed off a batch of labels something like

              “Cranbrook Lane
              Not Shadybrook Lane
              Please try again”

              Every time a letter arrived wrong, I’d stick on one of the labels and send it round again. After a while it did seem to work, or maybe it was just that we got a more observant postie :-)

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          2. Anonymask*

            I live in an area where a lot of the houses look the same. We routinely got packages/dropped off food delivery for another house in the neighborhood that looks exactly like ours and has the same house number. It has slowly tapered off now that we’ve added a D&D welcome mat and been forced to repaint by the HOA though (we went with a different but approved color scheme, so now we aren’t identical).

            (names changed: we are 100 Maple Lane, they are 100 Spruce Lane; the streets are parallel to each other but make a small loop)

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      2. PhyllisB*

        1+ on weird drop-off spots. A friend of mine was expecting a delivery from her employer and it never arrived and they sent a replacement. Two weeks later she was preparing to cook on her outdoor grill. She lifted the top and there was her package!!

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        1. spiffikins*

          I did that once!
          I dropped off some baked goods, wrapped in plastic on a plate, for Christmas, and my friend was not home. I didn’t want to leave them on the doorstep – they have lots of neighbourhood pets and wildlife roaming around – so I looked around, and they one of those metal firepits, with a heavy lid – so I put the goodies in that, figuring they would be safe!
          I *did* let my friend know to look in the firepit though!

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      3. Nightengale*

        I don’t know if it was the delivery person or someone “helpful” in my apartment building, but I had a package that was supposedly delivered but hadn’t arrived. They were usually on the floor in the building entryway. I messaged my apartment staff in case someone had seen it somewhere, picked up by the wrong person, etc. .. and we finally found it on top of the fire department box in the entry way. The top of that box is above my eye level. I am average height for a woman so above a lot of people’s eye levels. I would NEVER have thought to look up there.

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    2. tommy*

      same (package thieves), and for me, a heads-up is also useful disability-wise. packages arrive to the lobby, and i don’t go down to the lobby every day or even every few days if i don’t have a specific reason because i’m supposed to minimize walking. so if a package is coming, it’s super useful to know that i should be keeping an eye out.

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    3. renter*

      Agreed. I live in an apartment and the mail room is very out of the way, so I rarely go down there unless I know I’m expecting something.

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    4. LadyVet*

      I ordered something for myself this holiday season, and the tracking information wasn’t clear so I didn’t know until a week or so after the fact that the carrier had left the package in front of my building’s front door on the sidewalk, at 10 p.m.

      In the Bronx.

      All the more frustrating because if the time stamp was accurate, I was home and awake and would have happily gone downstairs.

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    5. AVP*

      I also find that even the best vendors don’t always properly append your note to a gift, or the print it in a slip of paper in size-3 font, so sometimes I get or send something where I or the receiver has no idea where it’s coming from. So sending a note in advance helps connect

      I actually had a client send me a sizable gift when I was pregnant and I had no idea who it came from for more than a year. It was mid-Covid so I hadn’t seen them IRL, and it wasn’t someone I was expecting a gift from. When I did happen to see them at an event, they asked, oh did you like that thing we sent? At which point I was able to say, oh my god, yes, thank you, the note must’ve gotten lost and I had no idea it was from you!

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    6. KHB*

      Same here. I’d strongly recommend that anyone sending a gift by mail/FedEx/UPS at the very least give the recipient a heads up that something is coming.

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    7. umami*

      A heads-up is also nice in general – my mom sent us a gift, but it happened to arrive the same day we received a shipment of pots and pans that came in multiple boxes. I didn’t have time to deal with unpacking everything for more than a week and had no idea that one of the boxes wasn’t part of the shipment!

      Reply ↓
  3. Pottery Yarn*

    I’m a fan of something like:

    “Hey, you should’ve received a package from me on [date]. If you didn’t get it, please let me know so I can track it down! Thanks!”

    That way you’re focusing on the Something Happened™ scenario, which will help it read more as “I’m checking off a box for me.” rather than “Please acknowledge my generosity.”

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    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I really like this version because it very clearly puts the focus on the LW wanting to become active (in xase something went amiss) instead of seeming like they are passively waiting for a thank-you.

      Reply ↓
  4. LoraC*

    A simple

    “Hi team, I’ve received the notice that the packages have been sent and should arrive by X date. Let me know if you didn’t get it or if any issues happened during the shipping (ie, arrived broken).”

    Reply ↓
    1. No Name McGee*

      I think this works well, and if you can do it as a group message that might take the pressure off of individual people to respond with a thank you.

      Reply ↓
  5. Pineapple Colada*

    I also think it’s fair game to send a preemptive text saying “I sent you a package and it should arrive on… Let me know if you receive it!”

    Which is very similar to Ally’s wording above, but puts the onus on them to at least verify they got it.

    It also makes it easier to follow up after the fact: “Did that package make it over to you?”

    For people who turn it into a “ I’m sorry I didn’t thank you!” situation, I just say “Oh no worries, just wanted to make sure you got it. I’m so glad!”…. Which seems to nip any awkwardness.

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  6. Ellen*

    > The next easiest approach is to send a note close to the time you expect the gift to arrive, saying something like, “I sent you something small in the mail — it should arrive this week.”

    This is exactly what I do — in both personal life and work!

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  8. I should really pick a name*

    Considering you’ve got tracking info, do you have any reason to believe it wasn’t received?

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Tracking info just confirms if it was delivered or not. It can’t tell you if the staff person actually received it, if a porch pirate took off with it, or (depending on how much info the shipper gives) the package got delivered somewhere else entirely, which happened to me recently.

      Reply ↓
      1. tommy*

        also — and i’ve never fully understood how this works — sometimes a package is delivered by a combination of a private shipping company and the post office together (separate legs of the journey, i think??), and sometimes in these cases, either the shipper or the private company marks it as “delivered” when actually it’s been delivered to local usps and won’t make its way to my building until a day or two later.

        Reply ↓
        1. Caramel & Cheddar*

          I get that a lot with anything coming from a foreign country, but I know at least where I live, companies like FedEx and UPS won’t deliver in super rural areas so the national postal service takes over for the last leg of the journey. Sometimes, the original tracking number somehow gets parsed into one that can be tracked by both systems (i.e. I can see the FedEx number on the postal service site), but that’s not always the case.

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        2. Artemesia*

          I have had the occasional package marked delivered that has not been. Once it was actually delivered to another building but the other time it was not delivered — we have doormen and package management and so I don’t have package thief issues. The misdelivered package was a huge wheel of racclette for a NYE party and it is hard to buy outside of specialty stores, so having to find it last minute was nervous making. The outside of the package actually has a sticker that said ‘smelly cheese do not discard’.

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      2. MCMonkeybean*

        I have also had on several occasions a package get marked by USPS as “delivered” but not actually shown up for a couple more days. I assumed maybe the delivery person fudges their numbers a little when they’re running behind a quota or something.

        Reply ↓
    2. WorkerDrone*

      Tracking info can let you know it’s been delivered, but it doesn’t let you know if the package was received.

      I’ve had Amazon deliver my packages to a neighbor’s house, complete with picture of it on their doorstop, plenty of times – so sure, it was delivered insofar as the tracking info was concerned, but I hadn’t received it.

      There is also the possibility of thieves stealing it after delivery.

      I have also had it happen – much more rarely, sure, but still happen – that a package is marked delivered on the tracking info but was never actually delivered.

      In the usual order of things the gifts are acknowledged – OP says “I sent the same type of gift I send every year (normally very enthusiastically received)” so we know that she is normally getting some kind of head’s up that the gifts arrived.

      So OP does have reason to believe the package(s) might not have been received, because the normal response isn’t happening and tracking info isn’t a guarantee.

      Reply ↓
      1. Clisby*

        Yeah, I have a sort of unusual situation in that I live right down the street from a college here in Charleston, SC – The Citadel. Our numeric addresses are very slightly different – think mine is 123 and theirs is 213. I cannot tell you how many times we’ve gotten letters and packages meant for them. Heck, we occasionally get packages correctly addressed to them, and we still get them. I just take them to the college post office – although I once or twice, after repeat offenses, have written in Sharpie: “This is the last time I’m bringing your package over.”

        To be fair, a few times our packages have been delivered there, and they called to let us know. It turns out they have our phone # on a Post-it stuck to their wall.

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    3. Hush42*

      About a week before Christmas I ordered something from Amazon which shipped UPS (it was from a 3rd party seller). I was sent a tracking number and the package shipped very slowly but I eventually got a notification that my package was delivered. I checked every place I could think of for a package to have been delivered with no actual package in sight. I dug into the tracking more and found that it stated it had been delivered to a parcel locker in a city 6 hours from my house. The package eventually did show up at my house, a few weeks later.
      Tracking is not always reliable, especially around the holidays.

      Reply ↓
    4. umami*

      I once received confirmation of a package delivery for a package that arrived at my house … 2 days later. So they aren’t always correct.

      Reply ↓
  9. Endorable*

    I actually fail to see what the problem with ‘fishing for a thank you’ is! It’s the least they can do!

    Reply ↓
    1. commensally*

      +1 Sure, everybody hates the great-aunt who was incredibly precious about always getting a hand-written thank-you for her $5 check or you’d never get another birthday card, or the boundary-crosser who sends unwanted gifts just to make you respond to them, but we have a tradition of thank-you’s for a reason – and it’s so the giver knows you got it!

      If you send a message that says, “Hey, just wanted to confirm the package I sent arrived” and they respond by feeling guilty about not sending you an acknowledgement sooner – well, they should have, and if they feel guilty about it that’s not on you. I say this as a person who always forgets the thank-you!

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      1. MCMonkeybean*

        I have a grand boss who has a couple times chased down a “thank you” for the holiday card that was just a picture of her family.

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      2. Phony Genius*

        This letter didn’t make it clear whether the gift to the employees was an employer gift or a personal gift. (I am defining a personal gift as any gift where you spend your own money.) But I don’t think that distinction changes Alison’s answer much.

        Reply ↓
      3. commensally*

        If it’s “the corporate management gives dozens of people a completely impersonal, minimal gift”, sure, nobody expects you to send corporate a thank-you (and corporate probably doesn’t care if you got it anyway.) If it’s a team lead sending half a dozen people they know personally something from them to their home, it’s not unreasonable for them to expect some kind of timely acknowledgement that you got it and are aware it was from them and appreciate the gesture.

        (I don’t actually think LW’s employees are necessarily being rude – if I was assuming I’d see them in person relatively soon, I would probably just wait until then – but I also don’t think it’s bad if they feel like LW is nudging them about it, three weeks is a long time.)

        Reply ↓
    3. Dust Bunny*

      Yeah, I am genuinely not fishing for a thank you but I do think it’s pretty rude not to acknowledge that the package at least arrived. You can just send me a text, though–I’m not looking for an illuminated parchment. I have zero guilt about prodding people a little.

      Reply ↓
    4. Looper*

      Or not even fishing for a thank you? Like,do people REALLY think that someone asking “did you get the thing i sent you?” is a nefarious ploy to extract unwarranted gratitude? And if someone does engage in that thinking, is it in our best interest to encourage that thinking?

      Reply ↓
  10. Molly Millions*

    If everyone on the team was sent a gift, I would suggest a mass email to all the recipients along the lines of, “Everyone should have received a package from me by DATE. If anyone didn’t receive it, please let me know so I can contact FedEx.”
    That way it doesn’t put anyone on the spot for not responding earlier.
    (In this case, you could also give them the context that the vendor hadn’t sent their usual confirmation, which would change the framing from “Manager is upset he wasn’t thanked” to “Something unusual happened and he’s doing his due diligence.”)

    Reply ↓
    2. anonymous anteater*

      I would do this, but folding it into a year-end message could help to avoid the ‘fishing for thank you’ optics.
      Dear Team, I want to take a moment thank each of you for contributing to an amazing year. I hope you have each received a small gift by this time. As we close out the year, let me wish you and your loved ones a restful break and a good start into the next year. Sincerely, OP

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    3. HonorBox*

      I like including everyone. It doesn’t read so much as fishing for acknowledgement/thank you as it does just giving a heads up to everyone.

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  11. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I’m having the same sort of weird anxieties as LW but from the opposite side as a recipient. If you just said to me “I sent you something small in the mail — it should arrive this week” and it didn’t arrive, I’d probably feel weird about saying “So, that thing you sent me didn’t arrive” because it feels… greedy in some way? And I realise that’s ridiculous for all the reasons you’re describing above about wanting to know that it hasn’t arrived, but I’d still feel weird about it.

    But if I had received specific instruction to reach out if it didn’t arrive, I’d definitely feel less weird, so I’d probably modify the suggested phrase to something like “Hi Team, Since I wasn’t in the office before the holidays, I’ve mailed you each a small gift that should be arriving in the next week or so. If you don’t receive it, please let me know so I can follow up with the shipper.” Something about that feels less “you didn’t give me a present!” because it focuses on logistics, not the gift giving act, and you’ve been explicit that you want me to reach out.

    Also, the heads up is just good in general for the reasons Parcae mentioned. My buzzer connects to my phone, but I don’t necessarily answer it if I don’t know a package is coming, so I might actually miss the delivery person.

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    1. Carys, Lady of Weeds*

      Oh man, you put into words exactly how I feel about this, but couldn’t pin down. The vague “greedy” anxiety. and I completely agree with your take!

      (I was also raised to write thank you notes for EVERYTHING, though, so the minute I received it I’d be sending a quick thank you email. If anything I tend to over-thank.)

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    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      You know, everyone really needs to learn to accept and deal with their own feelings and expect other adults to do the same. You can’t control other people’s feelings. There is no perfect script.

      The LW stops themselves from following up because they want to prevent other people from thinking they are fishing for compliments and also to prevent them from having feelings of guilt. You say you know your feeling greedy is irrational, but instead of dealing with it, you lean into it and wouldn’t say anything.

      And then you’d ideally like them to phrase the request just right so you know that you’re doing the 100% perfect right thing. But then they’re worried they’re being too demanding or ordering people to acknowledge them so they don’t phrase it the way you want. But then you’re worried… it never ends!

      Reply ↓
      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Of course there’s no perfect script! But we all come with all sorts of personal baggage and cultural conditioning, so if we’re going to offer a script then it might as well be one that is clear and actionable regardless of how far along the “dealing with it” journey someone might be.

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      2. Annie2*

        I agree with you in theory, Queen Lisa, but “simply stop worrying about it!” isn’t as practicable as I wish it was.

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      4. Yankees fans are awesome*

        I heard that, The Unspeakable Queen Lisa. Lots of analysis paralysis on this.

        Just ask if gift was received!

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    3. Employee of the Bearimy*

      I had this exact situation with a wedding gift! A friend of mine emailed after the fact to say he was sending an off-registry gift and needed a bit of information about my preferences without actually saying what the gift was (think favorite color or similar). I replied, and he said, “Great! Expect something in the mail in about a week.” About 2-3 weeks later I emailed very tentatively to say, “Um, no worries if you haven’t sent anything, but I did want you to know we never received anything.” He said, “That’s odd. I’ll check into it.” And then nothing. So obviously I assumed he hadn’t gotten around to sending anything and I certainly wasn’t about to bother him again because that would look greedy, right?

      About a month later we got a random email (that I almost deleted as spam) from a company asking how we liked our gift subscription! At that point we were able to figure out that we hadn’t been receiving the gift he had very kindly picked out. Luckily, we got the issue corrected before we got too far into the subscription, but they weren’t able to replace what had gone missing, which was unfortunate.

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  12. jess*

    Agree with the suggestion to give the heads up before the package is expected to arrive. We had someone send us a present from a foreign country for our wedding. We didn’t know it was coming, it required a signature, there was a ton of rigamarole where the USPS tried to deliver it while we were at work 3 days in a row and since we weren’t there to sign for it and had no idea what the little slips left on our mailbox were for (and couldn’t read the handwriting), it got shipped back to France, I think she had to pay for shipping a second time, etc.

    Reply ↓
    1. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

      But even if you knew that the gift was coming, what could you have done differently? Would you have stayed home from work just so that you could sign for it? I’m guessing no.

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      1. jess*

        I would have signed the little slip that was left on our mailbox that gives them permission to leave it in our apartment building’s mailroom. Or I would have gone on Saturday to pick it up at the post office before it got sent back from the US to France.
        I didn’t sign it because I wasn’t clear if it was for us or someone else, because I couldn’t read the handwriting and wasn’t expecting anything from France. We didn’t even know we knew anyone in France, that’s the funny thing about wedding presents (friends of parents want to send nice but unexpected things like a handmade ceramic dish).

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  13. HB*

    “The next easiest approach is to send a note close to the time you expect the gift to arrive, saying something like, “I sent you something small in the mail — it should arrive this week.” That way, they’ll know to let you know if nothing arrives. If you want, you can even add, “I’m always nervous about the mail at this time of year so please let me know if it doesn’t arrive.””

    Piggybacking off of this… if you’ve already sent the gift but didn’t give them the heads up first, just continue to phrase things with negative confirmation. For example, with the employees I would have said “Hey, I’ve been having some issues with [mail carrier] lately so I just wanted to double check to make sure you didn’t have any problems receiving the package I sent. It should have been delivered on [date] but please let me know if it didn’t! Thanks!”

    Most likely that will still elicit a response, but they don’t *have* to unless they didn’t actually receive the package. So for example if you phrase it “Hey, I’ve had some trouble with my mail lately – can you confirm you got the package I sent? It should have been delivered on [date]” then they feel like they have to respond. But what’s more is that even with the ‘I’ve had trouble with my mail lately’ it feels like something where they maybe should have proactively told you they received it. And so now that you’ve asked the question, they feel like they’ve somehow messed up (or maybe that’s just my brain?). But with negative confirmation they don’t *have* to respond, which means they haven’t done anything wrong. So if they do respond with a “Yes I got it, thanks!” then there’s a feeling that they’ve done something extra. And if for some reason they didn’t get the package, then they haven’t messed up, the mail carrier has and they’re just helping figure out the problem.

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  14. CityMouse*

    I agree with a lot of these but I’d send the email upon mailing and frame it as “Let me know if you don’t receive anything”.

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  15. Bananapants*

    Eh I feel like OP may be overthinking it a little. E.g., with the wedding example, if it were me I wouldn’t think OP was fishing for a thank you *unless that was a pattern* but might just remember I hadn’t gotten their thank you note sent yet after being asked.

    I’d say either do the let me know if it isn’t there route or just be straightforward but explain why you’re asking the Q: Hi, did you get a package from me? Just want to make sure if it got there. But either way some people will likely still say thanks out of habit/politeness anyway.

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  16. Jack Straw from Wichita*

    A week before Christmas, I received an Amazon package and opened it to see something I would never in my life buy. Confused and honestly lowkey mad about it, I immediately went into research mode in my own Amazon account to figure out which of my orders they’d messed up and what gift I’d ordered would not make it to me in time because of the mix-up.

    Because it was nothing I’d ever assume was a gift, it took a few hours for me to think, “Maybe there was a note?” and recheck the package.

    tl;dr – Give people a heads up when you send them things!
    another tl;dr – Don’t send your employees office supplies like a $15 footrest as a “gift.”

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    2. maybe look at the name first*

      I once accepted a parcel for a neighbour. The postie left a note in neighbour’s letterbox to let them know where to come for their parcel. I put the parcel in our corridor for easy access in case neighbour rang our bell.
      All very normal for us so far.
      Unfortunately, when my partner came home from work, he assumed said parcel was our’s and without even a glance at the recipient’s name, tore it open.
      Inside was a package of xxl-sized condoms!
      That was the moment my partner did take a look at the name, proceeded to sheepishly put the condoms back in the parcel, and then go to our neighbours to hand it over with an explanation and apology. Our neighbour’s facial expression was apparently rather smug. :D

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  17. Samwise*

    Hi, just double-checking to be sure gift arrived. It should have been delivered by [shipping co].

    That’s it. It is very common to ask this, especially in these days of porch pirates and packages delivered to….somebody, maybe not the addressee (I’ve had packages go to the right number on the wrong street, right street but wrong number, wrong street and wrong number…). The photo of the delivered package on the porch is no help because I don’t know what your porch looks like!

    Anyway, I never feel bad when someone asks me, and I don’t think anyone feels bad or feels that I’m pushy when I ask them. Everybody knows package delivery is a crapshoot.

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  18. HonorBox*

    I think it is absolutely fair to let someone know you’ve sent something, which provider you used (USPS, FedEx, Carrier Pigeon, etc.) and when it is expected to arrive. You can, if you prefer, ask them to let you know if it arrives or doesn’t arrive. I think that none of us are immune to mail delays, mis-delivered mail, etc. so this wouldn’t come across oddly at all.

    My in-laws ordered something the day after Thanksgiving from a business that is headquartered less than 90 minutes from their house. Postmark was December 2. It wasn’t delivered until December 23. No real reason as to why other than USPS doing what they do. They ended up having to go in person to get the item so they could give it as a Christmas gift.

    People understand that this is happening more frequently, and I think would be appreciative of the heads up to be on the lookout.

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  19. nonprofit writer*

    I think as long as you aren’t checking on the gift the same day it was supposed to arrive, you are fine. My spouse and I worked with a financial planner a couple years ago who was helpful enough but could get visibly anxious about follow-ups and communication (I have empathy for this as an anxious person myself–but it was kind of a lot, especially since I’m very diligent about communication and never left her hanging). She sent us a holiday gift to say thanks for your business… and I swear, we had not had it an hour before I got an email from her asking whether we had received it. That was a little much. But what Alison is describing is fine–I think “let me know if you didn’t receive it” is great.

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  20. Kelly*

    I don’t feel the need to respond to a yearly similar holiday gift sent to my home from my employer. Personal gifts are completely different. Assume it got there if it’s a reliable delivery service and tracked as delivered.

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  21. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

    I send electronic gift cards to my team and I love that now (unlike years ago) I get an email notification that it was received – it cuts down on my anxiety that I typed their email wrong or something. I used to HATE sending the “did you receive this?” emails, for exactly this reason!

    Where I work, gifts cannot be purchased with business funds, so these are gifts out of my own pocket, and as a result I do have a teeny tiny bit of ick when people do not send so much as a quick “thank you!” text. I recognize that norms are changing so I let it go because it’s not necessary for them to acknowledge.

    However, I always thank my boss for an e-gift card because it feels thoughtless not to acknowledge someone spending their own money on you. And boss is my age so likely has a similar outlook.

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  22. Honey cocoa*

    Yeah, so it seems that the recently wed are no longer neccesarily sending thank you notes. Which I just find….. ungracious. But I’m old, maybe thank you note time has passed. But I think it’s too bad.

    Reply ↓
    1. Indolent Libertine*

      You find it ungracious because it is ungracious! If someone goes to the trouble and expense of sending you a wedding gift, the *very* least the recipient can do is thank the giver. I’m willing to bend as far as not requiring a hand written note done in fountain pen on engraved personal stationery, email is fine and both partners should be doing them TYVM, but come ON people, modernity has never and will never countenance just plain rudeness. Send those notes!

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  23. AnonAnon*

    To piggyback off of this, what is the etiquette for electronic gift cards? I have sent them over the years as gifts either via email or printed from my computer and handed to the recipient. I was cleaning out old emails recently and found a receipt for one of them that I purchased 5 years ago. I checked the balance and the recipient never used it!
    Since I have the egiftcard in my email I would hate for it to go to waste. Can I use it? (It seems so wrong though).

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    1. Practical Penny*

      I think you can absolutely use it. After 5 years, there is little chance this person even remembers it.

      A few years ago, I sent e-gift cards to my younger cousins, who thanked me, but never claimed them. I noticed it when looking for some other gift card in my account, that they said received, meaning they had been opened, but not redeemed, meaning they had not added them to their account or used them. I copied the codes into my own account and used them myself. Maybe it was tacky, but I couldn’t see 100 dollars just going to waste when it could be used.

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  24. PhyllisB*

    I think it’s a good idea to follow up. Years ago before internet ordering was a thing and when department stores would deliver wedding gifts to the bride I called and placed an order for a wedding gift for my niece. I even specified what wrapping paper I wanted. (This turned out to be a good thing.)
    Time went by and I never got a thank you note. This would not have bothered me except for two reasons: one, this young woman had been raised to ALWAYS write thank you notes and two, everyone else in the family had received one. She even sent one to my daughter for tending the guest book. So after four months I finally asked her. She never got it. I called the store and told them and described the wrapping paper. It was still sitting on the wrapping table with her name on it!! If I hadn’t called her she would have always wondered why I didn’t send a gift, and I would have wondered why she sent everyone a thank you but me.
    AND even with email notification of delivery things can still go wrong. Twice I’ve gotten notifications of delivery for things that WEREN’T delivered.

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  25. Anon Attorney*

    I was in the rare situation where I had a mental breakdown after my wedding and couldn’t bring myself to write thank you notes despite my true feelings of gratitude. I hope that no one felt spurned by that. Knowing that’s not the norm, it wouldn’t hurt to check in to make sure your gift arrived safely and then accept whatever form of gratitude you get!

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    1. societal norms can be unachievable*

      Yeah, I was in a similar spot after giving birth. Nothing that seemed diagnosably off at the time (not that I actually talked to anyone about it) but just so much overwhelm that the normal day-to-day was barely doable. I didn’t send a single thank-you card for the gifts we received, even though I was very grateful for receiving them.
      Months later, when I was finally in a better mental place, I was so ashamed of not having sent thank-yous! I did broach the subject as soon as I saw anyone again who had sent a gift, and profusely apologised but it still gnaws at my conscience over a decade later.

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  26. Sparrow*

    I am definitely showing my autism here, but it had genuinely never occurred to me that the sentence “Did you get my gift?” would be construed as anything other than… well, the actual words that it’s saying. I’m suddenly understanding why people have sometimes gotten weird when I’ve asked if they received something I sent them (though I am still confused about why people would apply some secret double meaning to my words rather than just trusting me enough to take what I say at face value, but that’s pretty much the whole autism experience in a nutshell).

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    1. LL*

      As far as I know I’m not autistic, but it’s really frustrating to me that people read into this specifically. I know that there are plenty of people who would say something like this passive aggressively in order to get a thank you, but I think more people than not actually want to know if the gift was received or not and it would be nice if the words could be taken at face value.
      Bonus: taking the words at face value are a way to take power away from someone doing it passive aggressively!

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    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Gift giving is an etiquette minefield and a question as simple as “Did you get my gift?” can trigger a whole torrent of both spoken and unspoken cultural stuff, which is probably what has happened when you’ve asked this in the past.

      Etiquette suggests that if you receive a gift by mail from someone, you should send them a thank you note (text/card/email/whatever, doesn’t matter in 2025). If they had done this, you wouldn’t need to follow up, so by following up, you’re reminding them that they didn’t thank you for the gift, which means they’ve broken the etiquette rules and they might feel embarrassed or otherwise bad about it. So although you think you’re asking a neutral question, they feel like you’re rightfully calling them out for a social faux pas.

      Obviously this is all culturally and generationally dependent, so it’s not always easy to navigate even if you’re aware of this stuff and are purposely trying to follow the “rules.”

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    3. hello*

      Yeah, me too. I was also wondering if this could be another one of those “ask vs guess culture” things, but neurodivergent makes sense too. Probably both play a part.

      Reply ↓
  27. Dry Cleaning Enthusiast*

    “Hi Theoden? Gondor here. Lit some beacons recently, wanted to check if you’d seen anything on fire? Ok, cool, thanks. No rush!!”

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  28. WillowSunstar*

    These days it’s also possible for a delivery driver to say things have been delivered, maybe even with a photo, and then they get stolen a few minutes later. It’s happened to me in apartment buildings so often I stopped ordering from certain companies.

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  29. Decidedly Me*

    I had this recently! I sent gift cards via email (we’re all fully remote). I got notifications when people opened them, as well as when they still hadn’t after a few days. I eventually ping everyone that hadn’t opened the email to ask if they had received it. I worried that people would think I was fishing for thank yous, so I replied with something along the lines of “so glad it arrived!” once they confirmed.

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  30. Dances with Flax*

    I like Alison’s suggestion of simply asking “Hey, did you get the package I sent you?” It’s casual enough so that the LW does NOT seem to be fishing for a thank-you note!

    And it’s frankly very refreshing that the LW is NOT, in fact, fishing for a thank-you note. After years and years of reading a certain etiquette advice columnist (initials MM) who is positively OBSESSED with the idea that “A thank-you note is due the minute a present is opened”, it’s lovely to hear from someone who does NOT think that gift-giving is supposed to be transactional. You can give a gift for the sheer joy of making someone else happy! And isn’t that the point of giving presents, after all?

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  31. UnlimitedPTOisaScam*

    My grandboss electronically sent our team a small amazon gift card this year for Christmas and the email for it happened to arrive on the same day that we got a phishing test email related to an amazon gift card. What are the odds?
    She had to then send the awkward follow up note: I sent you a real gift card. Click on this one, not that other bad one.
    Whoops. Sometimes you just have to out your gift giving. It was still nice to get. And I was glad not to have deleted it out of precaution!

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  32. Diatryma*

    This is always going to feel a little iffy because ‘did you get the package I sent?’ is pretty much exactly what Miss Manners recommends to politely drag a thank-you note from the recipient. It’s okay for it to feel awkward. It’s not you, just the situation.

    Reply ↓

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