job candidate’s name is a slur, exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity,” and more

by Alison Green on January 21, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Job candidate’s name is a slur

I recently reviewed a job application from a candidate whose given name is a slur. It’s not unheard of for people to be named this and there are still plenty of folks who don’t realize it is a slur. It’s not obscure knowledge by any means, but it’s definitely not as commonly understood to be harmful as more well-known slurs.

The thing is, I know that it’s a slur and I don’t think I can address someone by a word that I know is harmful even though it’s their name and what they prefer to be called. The position is still open so I may get so many better qualified candidates that it doesn’t matter, but if I do end up needing to interview them … what am I supposed to do?

Ours is a very informal work environment and everyone around me knows that I make a point of addressing everyone without titles or honorifics, including elected officials we work with. I don’t know their gender but if I find it out and end up using Mr. or Ms. Last Name, that would really stand out. Most people don’t choose their own names and I know what a pain it is to have your name legally changed, having done that myself, so I don’t want to exclude a good candidate because of this thing they probably didn’t choose. And yet, I don’t think I have it in me to say “Hey Racial Slur, can you finish up that TPS report for Bobby by end of day?” What is the right thing to do here?

People should be called by their names, even if you’re uncomfortable with it. There are names in other languages that sound identical to obscene words in English, and those people should be called by their names too; this is no different. The important distinction is that in this usage, it’s their name, not a slur.

In fairness, I do think there are some limits to this. If someone legally changed their name to King Of Turd Mountain and wanted to be called that, I think it would be reasonable to decline to play along (particularly when it comes to listing that name on your company website and so forth) … but someone going out of their way to try to be provocative/make people uncomfortable is a very different situation than someone just going by their given name.

2. Exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity”

I work for a nonprofit that serves people with disabilities. This week, a senior vice president sent an all-staff email advertising a roommate opportunity. He said his daughter, who lives with disabilities, is looking for a roommate and it’s a great deal — free rent! You get a stipend! You just have to split utilities! Oh, and be available every night on call if she needs help using the bathroom or with any other emergencies. A home health aide works with her during the day.

Once again, he’s sharing this as a “roommate opportunity.” It’s … an overnight home health aide opportunity. And for the stipend, it is well below minimum wage (plus, a home health aide wouldn’t be expected to pay utilities!). It sounds like there’s no contract so there’s also no agreement upon things like time off, coverage, etc. You’d be on call every single night.

In addition to serving people with disabilities, our organization also tries to hire people with disabilities. In addition, given the nature of the field, many of the people in the entry-level tier, doing things like helping people use the toilet, tend to be low socioeconomic status themselves and are often from immigrant communities that are more vulnerable to exploitation and/or less savvy about American workplace expectations.

This “generous offer” feels really exploitative and inappropriate. It seems unethical in general for an SVP to try to recruit an under-the-table home aide for his daughter from his own staff. The nature of our work makes it even weirder; I would expect someone in our field to understand why this is unethical.

What are your thoughts? Is this completely insane? Inappropriate anywhere, but especially at our org.

You are correct: it’s exploitative, and it would be inappropriate anywhere but is particularly misplaced at your organization. I’m sure he’s thinking “here’s an audience that’s particularly sensitized to the needs of the disabled and who might appreciate this ‘great deal’” … but, as you point out, it’s very much not a great deal to work every night for less than minimum wage, and he’s misusing his position by marketing it to people he has power over. Someone high-up in your organization should have flagged it. (Well, really, he himself should have realized before sending it that it wasn’t okay, but since that didn’t happen, someone else should have flagged it.)

3. Can I book an earlier flight to a conference than everyone else?

In a few weeks, I am being sent on a big work trip to a four-day convention, my first one, although I have been with the company for many years in various roles. For a variety of reasons, such as plantar fasciitis, difficulty flying, autism/ADHD, and already being in a state of burnout, this is going to be an extremely hard trip for me. I’ve been told to expect 12+ hours on my feet and an additional 3-4 hours of dinner meetings each night. I cannot get out of it.

I have a good reputation and am in a mid-level role with a lot of responsibility, but not compared to the other attendees from my company who are all 5+ levels above me on the org chart. Their assistants have booked them all on a flight that leaves at 6 pm after work the night before the conference starts, meaning we would not even be getting to our hotel rooms until 1 am the night before the convention.

How bad would the optics be if I booked a flight earlier in the afternoon so I could be in bed at a reasonable hour? am in charge of my own flight arrangements. I will also need some additional accommodation on the airplane that will be embarrassing to ask for openly in front of everybody.

Knowing the company culture, I actually think flying out a day early to ostensibly see a friend or relative before the convention would go over way better than implying I can’t run on four hours of sleep like they all can, but I don’t want to lie.

You know your company culture better than I do, but for the record: in most companies, it would be absolutely fine to say, “I don’t want to be exhausted for the first day of the conference, so I booked an earlier flight.” And that’s if you even needed to say anything at all; in a lot of cases you could just quietly book a reasonable flight and then, if asked if you were driving to the airport with the others, could just matter-of-factly say, “Oh, my flight leaves a couple of hours earlier.”

But if you don’t think that will go over well, it’s perfectly fine to use a cover story. “I’m flying out a little earlier to meet a family member who lives there” may be a lie but it’s a lie that doesn’t harm anyone, doesn’t affect anyone but you, and is reasonable if it’s in service of avoiding company dysfunction (and preserving your privacy around on-flight accommodations).

4. What does a career coach do?

I am unhappy in my current job and have been trying unsuccessfully to find something new for years now. I have multiple arts degrees and a job history that should translate into a good fill for most generic office jobs. However, I am totally overwhelmed about how to find these sorts of jobs and what they might be called in various industries so that I can apply.

So I found a career coach, hoping that she could take a look at my skill set and help me track down jobs I would qualify for or translate my skill set for a particular industry. I honestly don’t care where I work or what I do — I just want to be paid fairly and not work with total jerks.

However, that wasn’t what she seemed capable of doing. She was more like a high school guidance counsellor, making me take a number of personality and aptitude tests and asking a lot of questions about my “dream job.” One, I do not dream of labor, and two, I had my “dream job” and was chased out due to rampant sexual harassment and other bad behavior. I stayed way too long and developed anxiety issues because it was my “dream.” “Dream jobs” are a trap.

I could not get her to move on to actually applying for jobs because she was so hung up on me finding passion for a career, and that’s just never going to happen. I’ve reached out to a few other “career coaches” and they all seemed to be in the same zone: helping me find my passion. I have passion, it’s just not for work.

Did I just find a bunch of really bad coaches? Or is this what coaches do, and what I really need is another “assistance in finding work” person that’s called something else?

This is indeed what a lot of career coaches, maybe even the majority, do. They’re often the live version of that old What Color is Your Parachute? book. You could try screening them by being very, very explicit before hiring someone that what you need is help figuring out what you’d be qualified for, not what you would be motivated by, but even then, unless you find someone unusually good, I’d worry that they’ll fall back on the “passion” framework. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find, but it does mean you’re going to have to do a lot of pre-screening before engaging someone.

Part of the problem is that there aren’t any particular qualifications required to be a career coach, so just because someone is calling themselves that doesn’t mean they’ll have any expertise at understanding the range of jobs out there and what would make someone a good match for an employer hiring for that job (versus the “let’s explore your inner world” bent that you’ve been encountering). You’d probably have an easier time if you can identify a handful of industries you’re interested in and then seek out recruiters who work in those fields; they’re better equipped to help you position yourself as a candidate than many coaches are. (To be clear, recruiters work for employers, not candidates — but if you have skills they’re looking for, good ones can help match you to those jobs.) But that’s a little different than what you’re looking for.

5. Should I pay $600 for a certification I need for a job I’d like?

I’m trying to decide if I should study for and spend the money to take a board certification test. I’ve been working at my company for five years and have been a working, licensed professional for 14. I have an interest in moving more into a corporate role, and have a big interest into moving into a computer-based role. However those jobs are very rare to open up and are highly competitive when they do.

There is a different, more regulatory role in the health system that has opened up recently. It requires a specific, niche board certification. I emailed the hiring manager asking if they would consider hiring someone with a “certification within 6 months of hire” clause and was told no.

The cost of signing up for the test is $600. I think I could do well in the role and would enjoy it, and it also works closely with the department I want to move into. But it’s hard to fathom spending that much money for the sake of a job I may not even get an interview for.

Would the certification also make you a stronger candidate for other jobs that you’d want to apply for — and would you be a compelling candidate for those jobs once you had the certification? If so, it could be a worthwhile investment. But if not, I don’t recommend spending $600 just for a chance to be considered for a single job.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. Instead, please flag the comment for me (to do that, reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it) and I’ll take care of it. If you want, you can respond “reported” so people know it’s been dealt with and isn’t just being allowed to stand. But please do not engage. Thank you.

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    3. A.K. Climpson*

      There are so many names that are also slang terms for inappropriate work topics (e.g. Dick, Roger, even to some extent John). It would be absurd and offensive to refuse to use one of those or to insist on calling someone who uses Dick “Richard.”

      That conclusion does not change depending on the alternative meaning of the name. It’s not being used as a slur when it’s just being used as a name (unless someone has self-selected a slur as a name for that reason, in which case it’s fine to offend them by not using it).

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        I agree about the OP needing to use the given name, but I don’t think Dick or Roger is similar at all. The name I think the OP means is a slur (except, I’d say, if it’s used by members of that group, but outsiders should tread very carefully), and the meaning of the name is exactly the group it’s slurring. So while Dick is both a nickname for Richard and a penis, this word is only this group, which I do think makes it feel different to OP.

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        1. SemiAnon*

          I’d guess something like Gipsy, which to some people is a totally normal girl’s name, and to others is a racial slur.

          I work in a very international environment, and we get all sorts of names that don’t cross language barriers well, and you simply learn to say names respectfully and with a straight face, and after using a few times, it’s just their name. It’s not just rude words – my name sounds like “Mommy” in the native language of many of my collaborators, my husband’s is a common noun in mine.

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          1. Jillian with a J dammit*

            That’s the name I was thinking. Depending on the age of the applicant’s mother, it may not have always been considered a slur and was just a name she liked. I’m over 60 and I know two people named that (with a y).

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            1. Jackalope*

              It’s also possible that the person doesn’t know that it’s a slur, or their parents didn’t know when they named their child. (The second seeming more probable to me.) Slurs change all the time, and if you aren’t a member of the group who’s getting insulted it’s possible that you’ve never heard it used in that way.

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          2. coffee*

            Yeah, I would also mentally categorise that person’s name in a different mental space than the slur. Much like a homophone, it sounds the same but has a different meaning. I do think it’s similar to a man named Dick, or a woman called Rose, you’re not actually referring to an object when you refer to the person with that name.

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          3. John*

            My guess would be Jagger’s first name, as that’s the only thing I can think of that’s a slur in some contexts and just like a normal name in others.

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            1. Resentful Oreos*

              Jagger’s first name is the more commonly used diminutive for “Michael” in the UK, Ireland, and Australia, as I understand it. “Mike” is the American version. I think the British version is far too tightly tied in with “Mickey Mouse” to ever be used in the US.

              As far as the employee’s first name, I was thinking it was the one beginning with G and made famous by being added to Rose Lee.

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        2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          I’m thinking of a colleague I once had whose surname was Hoare – I’d argue that it was not on her to change her name, but on us to think of it as a separate word from the slur for a sex worker (in my country the two words are pronounced identically).

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            1. stratospherica*

              We had a teacher called Mr. Burke, which only the parents really got. (Berk, pronounced the same way, is a British slang word for an idiot)

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          2. londonedit*

            I went to school with someone whose surname was Haugh, pronounced in the same way as Hoare. Of course she didn’t have the greatest time at secondary school with a load of teenagers, but people got over themselves and I definitely do still have a separation in my mind between ‘Haugh’ as a name and the other word.

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      2. UKDancer*

        I had to work with an American called Randy in a previous company. In the UK that is hardly ever used as a name because it means aroused. I fell about laughing when I was told the name of my new colleague. Then I composed myself so when I met him I was professional.

        I still think it’s hilarious but it’s his name so I use it and manage to forget the other meaning mostly.

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    4. diasporacrew*

      I’m not sure it’s quite as easy as that. This is an extreme example, but I once met someone with the given name Hitler. It was spelled very slightly differently but was both clearly meant as a reference to and pronounced like Hitler. This wasn’t someone who changed their name to be provocative, it was their given name their parents called him.
      I never saw this person again past this first meeting, so didn’t have to figure out what I’d do, but I think I would have had to come up with an alternative.

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        1. diasporacrew*

          As I said, I never saw this person again, but I don’t think I would have been able to call them that and seem warm and normal toward them.

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      2. Jessie J*

        Hitler is a real Germanic name though, along with Adolph. And families still use this name in Germany because well, it’s common to them.

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            1. jtr*

              I think that diasporacrew is saying that this non-German person’s FIRST NAME was “Hitler” – like Hitler Tiberius Kirk.

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              1. Jessie J*

                I understand but it’s such a common name so it’s not that alarming. I’m germanic and lived in germany and switzerland, and saw this name often.

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                1. Harriet Vane*

                  No, it isn’t. It really isn’t. I can’t speak for Switzerland (but I very strongly doubt it), but Hitler, or any variation thereof, is not a common first name in Germany, nor has it ever been historically. Given there are regulations about what children can be named in Germany, I don’t think the name would be approved by any registry office. As for Adolf, yes, that once was a common first name, but it has rapidly fallen out of usage after 1945.

                  Germanic, btw, is a term that was core to Nazi ideology, so I would be careful to use it as a self-descriptor unless you are a language family or a pre-medieval tribe. You might give people the wrong idea.

                2. jtr*

                  Jessie J, are you really saying that no one in Germany would bat an eye at naming a kid Hitler as their first name, because the name is so common there? I find that…well, pretty unbelievable, to be honest.

                3. Emmy Noether*

                  Harriet Vane is right in all points. It’s not common in any German speaking country, it IS alarming.

                  And “germanic” is for languages and for ancient peoples causing the fall of Rome. You are not germanic.

                4. Myrin*

                  What? I’m not sure whether you are just misunderstanding what others are saying or what, “Hitler” is not a first name at all!

                  And I am German, have lived in Germany all my life, and majored in German language and literature, and I have actually literally never encountered it as a surname, either (probably because it indeed wasn’t very common to begin with and after the war, despite Germany having very strict conventions and laws around changing your name at all that would be one of the outstanding reasons for being allowed to change your name immediately).

                  But also, again, it is not and has never been a first name!

        2. Emmy Noether*

          I am German and just want to note a few things:

          1) people do not call their children Adolph in Germany anymore, although there are still people in their 80s with that name. I have never met one born after 45, and I would assume his parents are Nazis.

          2) Germans have never used “Hitler” as a given name. It’s a last name, and pretty much extinct.

          3) Changing one’s name is difficult to impossible in Germany (a judge has to decide your name is harmful to you), and carrying that name is one of the few things that will fairly automatically go through.

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          1. Myrin*

            I do know (of; he used to live in my town but I’ve never met him personally) exactly one Adolf who was born in 1970 or so and as far as I could tell, literally every firstborn son in his family since the 1880s at least had that name and it was passed down like a regular “family name” (which I’m pretty sure is the reason the Standesamt even allowed it at all). But good god, talk about being tone-deaf and not aware/willfully ignorant of how that will come across at best (at best!).

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            1. Emmy Noether*

              Yeah, that is the kind of situation where I could see the name being allowed, and also the whole town talking about it. He’ll have to either never leave the town where everyone knows (of) him, or get it changed.

              There will also always be a whiff of… maybe it’s not just naïveté/stubbornness on the part of the parents.

              To bring the discussion back to the letter, the Adolfs I knew all went by Addi. I’d call one by the full name if he wished, though. Names are complex things, with complex reasons behind them, and they most often say more about the parents than the person.

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      3. The Prettiest Curse*

        If this person was from South America, there is a tradition in that region of naming people after historical world leaders. The most prominent recent example is Lenin Moreno, former president of Ecuador.

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        1. diasporacrew*

          No, they weren’t South American. And Lenin Moreno was named that because his parents admired Lenin… I would argue it is still different than admiring Hitler, which is pretty universally frowned upon.

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        2. Bay*

          Not just Latin America either– Trevor Noah wrote about a popular DJ in his neighborhood when he was a teenager in South Africa named Hitler, because Famous Foreign Names were popular

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          1. diasporacrew*

            I remember that being a result of a few historical factors, namely: black south African people being forced by apartheid-era legislation to have English sounding names in addition to their actual names; their having no innate understanding of cultural conventions around English-language naming conventions; and apartheird-era schooling and education being woefully inadequate around the evils of the Third Reich (I wonder why…)
            So, not historical neutral, and the story did revolve around Jewish people finding it unbearable to address him that way (rightly).

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    6. Suze*

      Agree. I knew a woman called Jihad, and since she was a Muslim I initially felt uncomfortable. It can sound like an insult specifically directed at Muslims, and I was a bit worried that other people who didn’t know it was her real name would think I was insulting her. But I looked up the name and found out it’s a perfectly normal name in her culture meaning struggle (a struggle to be a better person), and after that I quickly got used to calling her that. I recommend that the OP look up the original meaning of this name and understand the cultural context for why their parents chose it.

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      1. Peregrine*

        If it’s the name most of us are figuring it is, there wouldn’t be any cultural context. That’s one thing that makes it weird—in addition to being a slur, it’s like, for example, naming your child an off-color word for Swedish people when you’re not even Swedish.

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        2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          Back when the parents were chosing a name is likely 20+ years and maybe decades more, so likely not widely thought of as a slur.
          Even now many younger people outside this ethnicity and also outside the white middle class professional bubble don’t realise this. Especially someone ESL that maybe only knew of the musical.

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      2. Elsa*

        Yup, I’ve met people named Jihad, it’s a pretty normal Muslim name. And last night out for dinner we started chatting with the waiter, and someone in our party asked him what his name was. He sort of flinched while saying his name was Osama. I’m sure he knows it sounds weird to Americans, but I think it’s also a normal Muslim name. We said: “Nice to meet you, Osama.”

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    7. Nodramalama*

      I agree. It’s their name, they should be called that. I think it’s pretty weird that girls are called things like Chastity, but it really is none of my business.

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      1. Cats Ate My Croissant*

        Chastity always makes me think of Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, where a family names their daughters after virtues and their sons after vices. So there’s a character called Bestiality Carter.

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    1. K*

      Almost certainly is the word frequently used for Roma people which begins with G. Since it’s not always acknowledged as a slur and has positive connotations in some contexts, there are nonzero people who have it as a given name.

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    3. ??*

      It depends on what languages you’re exposed to.

      I personally know of words in 3 languages that sound “offensive” in English that could be a person’s surname that are not offensive at all.

      It would be odd to not address a person by their name.

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  4. TheBunny*

    OP #3

    I used to travel for work a lot and I found that, for the most part, others who are traveling for the same thing (unless the travel is part of the experience) really don’t care who travels, when, or where they sit on the plane. They are more focused on getting there themselves.

    I think you will be just fine if you give your (fake if that works) reason and just matter of factly answer anyone who comments on it. Basically, I am saying that you are giving this much more thought than anyone else will as they are focused on getting their own travel dealt with.

    And, FWIW, I would fly out earlier too. I can’t think of many worse ways to start a work trap than getting 4 hours of sleep the night before the convention starts.

    Good luck.

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    1. RC*

      +1. You’re traveling for work, will already have extremely long days, take your travel time during your “normal” workday rather than leaving after a full day of regular work. I’ve seen conferences explicitly start on Tuesdays for that purpose (so people can spend Monday traveling rather than sacrifice a weekend).

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    2. Mutually supportive*

      And even less if there are any delays! What’s the point of making and effort to go to a conference, just to be too tired to take anything in when you get there!?

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  5. JSPA*

    #1, on a practical level, there’s a reasonable chance they themselves pronounce it differently, or go by a nickname. Or that you can ask if they’ve ever considered going by Kiki or Gipper or Spock, as you’d be happy to do that.

    But you can’t give them a new use-name if they’re not looking to get one.

    And you can’t refuse to use their given name to their face, singling them out in doing so.

    This is even true if the name was given to be provocative or to “own” people.

    What if the person is self-named? In that case, the problem is the attitude (“I want to make people uncomfortable unless they share my views”) rather than the name. (You can very reasonably decline to hire someone who likes to see people cringe, to the degree of changing their name to do it.)

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  6. Jen*

    Is it possible housing is considered part of compensation, and also, is it possible that live in aides do not need to be compensated for time sleeping? Add the stipend, the employer provided housing, and that you are sleeping most of the time, and maybe, the roommate job is over minimum wage after all…

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    1. Jinni*

      But having to pay tax on that ‘free’ rent is going to catch up as additional taxable income…at least in the US. Will the stipend cover the extra tax?

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      1. Fineday1*

        I wondered about that too. I have a number of friends who took jobs as apartment managers to get free rent and don’t get much above that.

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    2. Properlike*

      If you’re expected to respond to emergencies or bathroom help, you are “on call” and should be paid for that time.

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      1. Emmy Noether*

        I’ve heard of programs like this for older people who just want someone there in case they fall (so hopefully never actually needed), and I think that’s fair in exchange for very cheap rent.

        This sounds like more that that, though. If they can expect to have to do something every night, or even just regularly, that does sound like “on call” work that should be paid.

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        1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          That can work out ok if it’s just in case of rare/occasional falls, but otherwise lack of sleep would likely interfere with their performance at their day job / life.
          The big difference in this case is the close connection to a VP of the day job and the VP misusing his access and power over employees. Big red flags

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    3. Dhaskoi*

      I work in the industry and what are called ‘sleepover shifts’ are still shifts. Even if you’re sleeping you’re being paid to be available if necessary – on call as another commenter said – and if you are needed in the middle of the night you get paid more.

      This arrangement seems more like a sneaky way of getting around having to pay for that – and that’s before factoring in how much assistance the person will actually need. Depending on the level this offer could actually involve a lot of work and many nights of broken, irregular sleep.

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      1. Spooz*

        And also curtail your ability to have a life! If day shift leaves at Xpm, presumably you HAVE to be at home from then until they arrive again. What if you want to go to the theatre and out for drinks afterwards and get home at midnight? What if you decide to take up running really early in the morning before the day shift arrives? What if you want to go on holiday? All fine to give up if you’re being paid for it. Less if you’re just getting these mysterious “benefits” and “stipend”.

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  7. Jinni*

    LW 5’s question hits close to home. I’ve been out of my profession for 17 years and have been thinking of returning to some low level temp/contract roles. While I was away, the industry coalesced around one specific software. Since I missed the learn on the job moment a decade ago, they’re hiring only those who have recent experience or are certified. Certification is $700. Completion of which does not guarantee a role, just a greater chance of being pulled from the database when a contract gig becomes available. The downside is I can’t discern if this specific lack of qualification is the culprit or whether it’s having to list year of professional license acquisition is the barrier. But spending hundreds of dollars for the possibility isn’t attractive. At least LW5 would possibly get a higher level position…maybe….

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  8. Random Academic Cog*

    LW 3: It’s really normal to book flights that get into town at a reasonable time. Especially when it doesn’t add an extra hotel night to the costs. Though I’ve also paid for the extra night out of pocket when there are no convenient flights available. It’s just not worth being exhausted for the conference. But also consider the timing of the flight back if part of the reason you want to fly separately is to avoid dealing with coworkers on the plane.

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  9. RCB*

    #3, I agree with Alison that this absolutely should NOT be an issue at all, so I’d go ahead and assume it is fine. However, if it is an issue, the people you work for are so crazy that they want you to work all day long and then travel all evening for work to get to a conference that is also nonstop 16 hour says, then I disagree with Alison that lying to them is the right option, so I would not say you are going out early to have dinner with a family member. I worry that if the office is that time demanding and unreasonable already then they are going to see you as using company travel as a “vacation” and that’s going to look worse. Of course this is absolutely bull that they see it this way, but you can’t make everyone be rational.

    I’d suggest booking an early flight and if it does come up just say something like “airports (or airplanes) are particularly draining for me so I am giving myself a few extra hours to travel so it’s not so taxing on me.” It’s ambiguous enough that you aren’t disclosing a health issue (lots of perfectly healthy people find airports to be draining), it’s also true, it addresses that it’s an issue for that one day and not a broader “travel is draining” where they might start worrying if you’re going to be too exhausted each day to do the job they are sending you there for.

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    1. BellStell*

      I agree on the use of ‘travel is draining’ and would add, ‘to be fresh and energised for the conference to best showcase our firm’

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      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I agree that the angle is “arrive early enough for optimal conference prep” where you can make it sound like you mean shaking out your best suit and practising sales pitches in the mirror, when it actually means decompressing in a hot shower and going to bed with ear plugs in.

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  10. Sarah N*

    “Bich” is a popular and beautiful Vietnamese girl’s name that means “gemstone” or “Jade,” and by the way is pronounced “bik.”

    It’s not my name, but I have relatives and friends who’ve sadly relayed comments from unenlightened people who’ll see the name and say things like, Your parents named you the b-word??!! They must’ve hated you, haha!!

    I wouldn’t call this a microagression; this is pure aggression. Pointing out the term of insult in the homonym or spelling of a given name, ethnic or not, strikes me not only as paternalistic and a power play, but also an unwanted calling out of a person’s differences without consideration for their own humanity or ability to contribute to the workplace… or society. And hearing others incorrectly relate their names to slurs over and over again in different settings wears on the psyches of the owners.

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    2. Peregrine*

      If this is the name most people are assuming it is, it’s more like parents naming their child the N word because they didn’t realize it was considered a slut by the people it’s referring to (obvs the n word has always been derogatory, but I can’t think of another word similar to the g word).

      Reply ↓
      1. Nodramalama*

        This is not a good analogy because the N word is not a name. This is presumably, a name that people actually use.

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    3. Yvette*

      Your first paragraph brings up a very good point. The way something is spelled can be very different from the way it is pronounced. Near as I can tell the letter writer has only seen the name. Perhaps once they hear it pronounced correctly it will no longer be an issue. And now I can’t get Joaquin/Wakeen out of my head.

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    4. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, don’t judge names from other cultures that don’t have the same meaning or cultural baggage as that name in yours. Maybe also not the same pronunciation.
      Use their own name without bringing in your own cultural judgement – unless it is a nickname or shorter version, in which case tell them to use their full forename.

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  11. Daria grace*

    #2: even if he were offering a great wage, having someone informally work for the boss’ family would still be incredibly problematic. What happens if his daughter really doesn’t like the “roommate” or accused them of doing wrong by her? What if the “roommate” is or should be disciplined or fired by their job but is stuck caring for the boss’s child in very demanding ways? What if the “roommate” learns things about boss’ family dynamics they probably shouldn’t know? Frankly even without the boss power dynamics framing it as a room mate situation instead of giving it the clarity and legal status of a formalised employment contract almost guarantees problems. There is almost no way the proposed arrangement ends well for anyone involved

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  12. Anon1234*

    #1: I have sympathy with your dilemma. I had an Italian colleague who told us he went by a horrible racial slur (UK based) for people from Pakistan as a shortened version of his name.
    None of us could use this name. I tended to call him ‘um’ or ‘excuse me’. It wasn’t meant to be a micro aggression on my part, but the name is so offensive and was used to racially abuse some of my friends at school that I just couldn’t speak it.

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      If this was a shortened form of his name, or a nickname – i.e. his choice – I’d have told him we had to use his full forename.
      If it genuinely was his full name, then imo you have to use it.
      Especially if this is someone from another ethnic background where this name is normal and without the same cultural baggage,

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      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I think in that case I’d have said ‘Look, I hate to do this, but in the UK the shortened version of your name has some really awful racist connotations, and none of us feel comfortable saying it. Would you mind if we called you by your full name?’

        It’s a bit like how during the Athens Olympics one of the British equestrian team, Pippa Funnell, had her name listed as Philippa because in Greece ‘pipa’ is a slang word for a sexual act and the Greek commentators refused to say it on air. In Britain, Pippa is a perfectly normal name, but it was something that would not be said on television in Greece.

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  13. Properlike*

    #4 – thank you for asking this! I had the exact same problem you did; lots of “coaching” that I didn’t need, very little practical advice about what kinds of positions I could apply for. One Coach told me to go through websites and write down any job that sounded interesting to “get ideas.” I DID THAT ALREADY.

    More helpful was the commentariat here in reply to a former teacher with a similar question, and others. But I wish there were a resource for people who have skills, can do the job finding part, but have no idea what job their skills are suited for!

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  14. Withheld*

    LW4: I am in a really similar position, and I feel you. I would have thought someone who helps you figure out your skills and how to position them (or transition them into a new career) would be a thing, but apparently not.

    All I have done is just looked at all the jobs in my area/salary range, and where I think I have relevant skills/experience, written a resume focusing on those skills and submitted it. Then I’ve had discussions with recruiters about what I need to change about my resume to make it a better fit. It’s actually been really useful, but it’s a bit more trial and error than I had hoped for.

    good luck!

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  15. Chocolate Teapot*

    4. I have posted on here before about my career coach, who I have been working with for 20 years now. There are professional associations for coaches and also I would recommend looking at a coach’s background. Mine was previously a senior company executive so they had experience which was relevant to my situation.

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  16. Songs*

    LW #4: I went through that too and it was frustrating. But after a few meetings and getting the song and dance of the career testing and passion discussions over with, the career coach did start sending me positions and talking more about practicalities with regards to applying. Although in the end, I wound up going back to school for one of the careers that had come up during our discussions and I’m now super happy in my new career. So if you’ve only just had one or two meetings, it could be worth sticking with it for a few more sessions (since you’ve already invested the time and money with this coach) and seeing if you can also get somewhere! Good luck with your job hunting.

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    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Yes, when I started working with my coach I purchased a block of sessions, the idea being that they would support me through the process of finding a new position. The first couple of sessions were of the identify your interests variety, but then we moved onto more practical topics.

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  17. Bilateralrope*

    #2 That is such a messed up offer that I have to wonder if there is anything illegal going on. Maybe something the LW knows about, maybe something that will only become apparent when the right authority looks at it.

    If it was me, I’d be seriously considering sending the relevant authority a copy of the email. If I could do so without forwarding the email through the company email system.

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Maybe I’d go to HR with a printout of the EM, to avoid a paper trail – but only if I were sure they would keep me out of it.
      However, I’d be dubious about trusting an org that didn’t immediately shut him down AND send out an EM stating say this was sent in error and of course no employee should apply :)

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  18. Seal*

    #1 – Baby names go in and out of style all the time. Some are cyclical while others more or less disappear; for that matter, it’s not uncommon for names that were once considered to be gender-specific to become gender-neutral. As someone with an unusual first name myself, I’d be surprised if the candidate in question isn’t aware of the controversy surrounding their name. In some ways it’s no different someone whose name is an endearment like “Sweetie” or “Lovey” (I stumbled upon a Gilligan’s Island rerun this weekend) or someone whose hippie parents named them “Beanbag” (a real person!). It may feel a bit awkward at first, but ultimately their name is their name. Asking them to change it so you feel more comfortable is just plain rude.

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  19. Resentful Oreos*

    I once worked with a woman whose name (in an Asian Indian language) was very difficult for English speakers to pronounce correctly. Therefore, she insisted on going by “Tiny.” Hey, if that is what she preferred, she could be Tiny.

    I would say just call the candidate by their first name. *Maybe* if it’s a bad enough slur that it makes enough people uncomfortable, you *could* say something to her, but…it’s her name, and chances are it was her parents who named her that, and she probably knows exactly what it means. This is a far different case than the employee who insisted on being called “Wolfshadow” or something similar who wrote in a month or so ago. I presume “Wolfshadow” picked their own name, Unfortunately Named Candidate was named by parents.

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  20. Rew123*

    I had a scout kids called Niga. It was a big awkward when you get the name list but all you got to do is accept it is their name. It became totally normal after few meetings.

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