junior employee sends rude emails

by Alison Green on January 13, 2025

A reader writes:

A junior employee I manage writes rude emails. He will send three emails in 15 minutes, and then respond rudely when I answer the first one, as I haven’t gotten around to the other two or hadn’t seen them in my inbox yet. He’ll respond quoting his previous emails I haven’t had time to look at yet. Or if I respond, he will ignore the answer and resend it, again quoting himself. Every email is condescending and liable to ramble.

I asked another person to look at our email conversations, and they agreed that they’re rude. I also was warned before I started that he was a difficult person to work with.

Should I talk to him about this? If so what’s the best way to explain that some of his email habits could be considered rude? (If they even are. Maybe I’m too picky?)

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  •  My boss is mentoring my employee
  • How do I express concern without prying?
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{ 55 comments }

{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }

    2. MigraineMonth*

      Interesting that the original letter (which was about an ESL grad student) had so several commenters *bending over backwards* about why the manager shouldn’t say anything.

      One of the commenters (windowround) was *enraged* that two white women had decided to impose their excessive need for politeness on a male POC from a non-western culture… despite the fact that 1) we didn’t know anyone’s race, 2) we didn’t know anyone’s “westernness”, 3) we didn’t know the OP’s or their colleague’s gender, 4) ignoring answers and re-asking questions is considered rude in most cultures. I guess some people just want a soapbox, and any soapbox will do?

      Reply ↓
      1. Leenie*

        I’m a bit fragile this week, as an LA resident (on top of already being notoriously fragile, as a white woman, per windowround). But I found windowround’s comments on that thread utterly infuriating. I wish I hadn’t gone down that little rabbit hole today.

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      2. physics lab*

        I felt odd about their comment thread too! Especially as I had changed the grad students gender to make it more anonymous, so in truth we are both women. Then the colleague, other professor, I had talked to about this was Indian, much like the grad student who was emailing such emails.

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      3. Tradd*

        I’m going to be blunt. If you’re in school/working in the US, you have to adapt to cultural norms here. I’ve worked with men from certain cultures who treat women like dirt. And they attempted to do the same here. I’ve made it quite clear that however they treated women in their country of origin or in their personal life, they WILL treat me with respect or I will go to managers/HR. That stopped it in its tracks.

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  3. physics lab*

    Oh, funny! I sent in a letter much like the previewed on back in 2020! That graduate student was a real pain, but her advisor turned out to be a real jerk so I ended up giving her a lot of grace once I got to know the situation better.

    And at the end of the day she was only rude to me, and not our students, so I was less concerned. I did end up using some of the techniques described though (Please just batch your concerns, etc).

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  4. She of Many Hats*

    I wish Alison had addressed the issues with the junior employee’s tone and attitude in the emails. Those are ultimately a bigger issue than the multiple emails in short order: “While multiple emails in short order is not ideal especially when they can be bundled, the tone you use comes across as condescending and alienating. Let’s work to find a more professional and respectful way to communicate with your peers and supervisors.”

    Reply ↓
  5. GrooveBat*

    Oooooh, letter #2 really hit home for me! I was in a very similar situation with my boss/direct report a few years ago and it was a really, really bad dynamic. I was promoted to a leadership role and a co-worker was also promoted to a junior management role that reported to me. But our boss – who had previously managed us both when we were peers – very obviously favored her (at one point, he had toyed with the idea of us *sharing* the leadership role and I had to tell him that was untenable for me). She was appointed to a committee he also served on, he conducted separate one-on-ones and quarterly reviews with her, and it was clear they had an excellent working relationship – all of which left me feeling shut out and constantly on edge. I finally lost it with him one day when the two of them left me out of yet another decision and she finally got transferred out of my department.

    To her credit, she managed the situation as well as she could have, but it really damaged my relationship with my boss and it took years for it to recover.

    Reply ↓
      1. GrooveBat*

        Yeah, I think that’s why she got transferred out (under a new manager with a promotion). We’ve all moved on from that company and we are good friends now. It was a weird time in all our lives.

        Reply ↓
  6. Distracted Librarian*

    Re: letter #1, I’d also suggest clarifying expectations for turnaround time with email. My informal rule is that people should, in general, expect an email response within 1 business day. If you need a quicker response, use chat or the phone, or stop by in person.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Yes, this. He’s sending too many emails in quick succession, but even if it was just one it would be unreasonable to expect a response within 15 mins.

      Reply ↓
    2. physics lab*

      I agree with you, and this is often something I needed to correct all the time at my last position with students! Especially first year students sometimes seem to think that emails should have the immediacy of texts.

      Reply ↓
      1. samwise*

        Interestingly, I find that most students are pretty reasonable about this (unless they’ve left some urgent matter for the last minute, and even then most of them apologize)

        More often, they apologize for sending me emails at 2 am (I don’t care, I’m not reading them til I get into the office!).

        I do have an “emails answered with one to two business days” line in my signature.

        Reply ↓
      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        My husband, the teacher, had to deal with irate parents who emailed and wanted answers RIGHT NOW!

        “I was teaching chemistry and making sure a pillar of flame did not go out of bounds, sorry…”

        Reply ↓
    3. Slow Gin Lizz*

      It always surprises me when people act like it’s a personal affront for me to not respond to an email within 5 minutes after receiving it. Ages ago when I was doing online dating in the pre-smartphone era, there was a guy who would respond immediately to everything I wrote and acted “concerned”* that I took, I dunno, a few hours to write back. After the third go-round of this, I wrote him another message and said that I was a teacher and not able to be in front of a computer 24/7, therefore it might take me a business day or two to respond. He of course answered that email immediately and I took another day or so to respond to his reply. In his very next email he acted “concerned” again that I’d taken so long to respond and that’s when I blocked him without remorse. Like, my dude, do you think if you keep telling me I should write back quicker that that’ll make me actually want to meet you IRL and even go so far as to be in a relationship with you, or do you think that’ll irritate me just enough to put you on my “must miss” list?

      * I really wish I could remember exactly what his “concerned” messages said, but they were definitely less “are you okay?” emails than they were “I’m so hurt that you aren’t taking this [non-existant] relationship seriously.”

      Reply ↓
      2. ubotie*

        Oh god I think we were messaging with the same guy (actually, I think it’s just endemic on those apps. The audacity of men sometimes).

        Reply ↓
      3. MigraineMonth*

        I’m weirdly impressed by the time and effort put in by guys that think the secret to attracting women is to make themselves a limited-time offer. So when you sign in to the dating app the next day you hit an entire wall of messages like:

        6pm: Hey girl
        6:15pm: Hey, I’m a real catch. You should respond to me right away.
        6:30pm: If you don’t respond in the next hour, you’re off my list. You’ll never get the chance to date me and, like I said, I’m a real catch.
        7:30pm: You know, I gave you a chance. I’m a real catch. I’m an entrepenur and a hustler, and I make buckets of money. I work out. I would have treated you right. But no, you’re too wrapped up in yourself to take advantage of the opportunity I gave you. It’s too late now. Don’t bother trying to contact me, I won’t respond.

        9:15pm: You still haven’t responded.

        Reply ↓
        2. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Hahahahaha, guys on dating apps probably learned from the same people that teach scammers too: “Respond NOW to www dot ridiculuzwebsitethatiztotalllyfake dot com or your entire bank account will be emptied out immediately.” Um, ok, I’ll be sure to get right on that, just give me a sec to look up my SS# so I can give it to you….

          Reply ↓
  7. soontoberetired*

    this reminds me of a contract employee we had years ago who would reword questions if he didn’t like the answers, or argue with you if you told them you were the wrong person to ask. He was an idiot in a lot of ways, and left on his own. I was also the only person he did this with consistently, in part because I was more approachable than the other senior people in my group. I ended up being very blunt with him, and he finally left on his own. he was rude in all sorts of interesting ways to some people, and but not to others. Gender did play a role in it.

    Reply ↓
  8. Alice*

    The junior employee was obviously a jerk. But I am surprised that Alison’s response makes it sound like the multiple emails thing is the problem, rather than the rudeness and immediate follow up. I sometimes write multiple emails to the same person/group of people, with different subjects lines and content, because I know from experience that one giant email will lead to most of the items on the list getting lost. Of course that only makes sense if there truly are multiple different actions items….

    Reply ↓
    1. Jennifer Strange*

      I think the issue is that it sounds like the multiple emails are all part of one thought/project, since he’ll reference a later one when the OP responds to the first one. Not saying that doesn’t sometimes happen to me where I send something then realize a few minutes later there’s more to add, but I do think when it’s a common occurrence it’s good to take a moment to gather your thoughts on one thing before sending an email on one subject matter.

      Reply ↓
      1. physics lab*

        Yup, exactly it was multiple emails (max was 4 within an hour I think?) with comments / edits all on the same document, or policy, or student concern.

        Reply ↓
    2. MigraineMonth*

      I think the issue wasn’t that it was multiple emails per se, but that the emails were all interrelated and therefore couldn’t be handled one at a time.

      So that when OP responded to email 1 based on the information in email 1, the employee would say that doesn’t work because [quote of information from email 3]. Or when OP responded to email 1, employee demanded an answer to [question] that they’d already asked, but which was in email 4. It also sounds like questions in email 5 were repeats of questions in email 1 and had therefore already been answered.

      That kind of disorganization would absolutely drive me up the wall and make email communication impossible, no matter how respectful the email author was being.

      Reply ↓
  9. Still*

    I’m always surprised and – impressed, I suppose? – when Alison answers the question exactly as stated, without giving further advice. E.g. the mentoring question – the LW asked if their feelings were off-base and that’s the question Alison answered! But I still reached the end of the letter waiting for the (unsolicited) “and here is how to approach it and what to do about it” that never came.

    Reply ↓
    1. Peanut Hamper*

      Agreed. Too many people here in the comments want to go off on weird tangents that only muddy the waters.

      People are looking for a specific solution to a specific issue in general, and are not looking for advice about everything. But main character syndrome, I guess.

      Reply ↓
  10. HigherEd Boundaries*

    LW #3 – I was in a similar situation but didn’t handle it with as much tact as Allison’s example. I basically word vomited something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed you’ve had a lot of appointments lately, and I hope everything is okay, but you’ve mentioned having to drive to [nearest major city] for blood work, and now I’m starting to worry that you’re dying…which I hope you’re not, because that would suck”.

    Luckily, we had a really strong relationship, and she just laughed, mentioned she had told her husband that it was getting time to loop me in, and then shared she was going through fertility treatments, and the only office in our town that does it requires her to drive to the nearest city for the blood tests.

    Reply ↓
    1. Very very anonymous*

      I actually am dying. And I don’t really want my boss to know. So I have absolutely no idea how to handle his “let me know if there’s anything I can do” questions about my many medical appointments. I’m glad your colleague was okay, but wow that could have been bad.

      Reply ↓
  11. Yes And*

    Interesting that the original letter was about a grad student, and for Inc it was reframed as a “junior employee”. To me that changes it entirely, because there is less responsibility to educate a junior employee than there is to educate a grad student.

    I will say that the advice to request bundling of emails can be situational. I find with my boss that if I include more than one topic in a single email, he’ll sometimes only answer the topline one, or follow-up on less urgent topics will fall through. In order to keep us both on task for all the balls we’re juggling, I have to send each topic in a separate email. (When I’m sending several at once, I’ll include some softening language, “Sorry to bombard you with so many emails!” or the like.)

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      I agree that changes it and was initially confused by the update someone kindly posted above. Although I think there’s more onus on educating a jr employee instead of a grad student.

      Reply ↓
      1. physics lab*

        It also changes who can do the education, as I was not her advisor, just her supervisor in her TA position.

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      2. Day Job Haver*

        I don’t know about being compelled to educate a junior employee, but yeah I see employee vs grad student as a significant difference, primarily in the degree to which I am really this person’s manager.

        With an employee, I am most often very easygoing, but if you ask me about something, I respond, and then you come back at me with over the top sarcasm or snark, and you also push me about response time when my response time is normal for non “this guy is on the phone what do we do” situations, then we are going to have a conversation about what I expect. It will be a measured, calm conversation, but it really won’t have much of a “gentle teaching moment” feel.

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    2. Strive to Excel*

      My boss is the same way! I have just accepted that the email culture here is “send many emails and don’t be upset about the same”.

      Reply ↓
    3. MigraineMonth*

      4 emails, each about a different topic: great.

      4 emails about 1 topic: Depends (could these be bundled?)

      1 email about 4 topics: Depends (should these be split?)

      4 emails about 5 topics, some of which are also discussed in the other emails and some of which are not: Please God No.

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    4. A. Lab Rabbit.*

      As someone who comes from a bug-squashing background, please! One topic per email!

      If there are multiple topics, it becomes all too confusing about which topic we are now discussing. The one that got fixed last Monday? The one that got fixed last Wednesday? The one that got fixed last Monday but then got reopened? The one that was just opened this Monday?

      Reply ↓
  12. completist*

    I have a quibble on one small point of letter 1–if I check my email and find multiple emails from the same person, I’ll always read all of them before responding to the first, so I’m writing my answer with all the available information. Junior employee’s tone and behavior are obviously unacceptable regardless, but I don’t think it’s actually unreasonable to expect someone to read all the info I’ve sent them before responding? Am I misreading the situation in some way?

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      The failure in communication here is that Junior has no way of knowing when (and in what order) you will receive the emails. You may be in the middle of responding to one before the 2nd and 3rd ones have arrived, or you may be getting them 9 hours later. So the best assumption is that either you send all your information in one email so that someone can read it all at once. If you can’t do that for whatever reason, call out that there will be multiple emails – “I’m getting the 2024 numbers from Kevin and will send them as soon as they are available”.

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    2. Pickles*

      I dunno, sometimes I get 100 emails in an afternoon with calendar invites, docusign, accounting prompts. I might not notice there are multiple emails. Especially if I’m on my phone

      Reply ↓
    3. read completely*

      It’s not unreasonable. It’s also not unreasonable to respond with updated info if someone provides an answer/decision based on outdated info. It’s also not unreasonable to rephrase a question if the provided answer is based on a miscommunication.

      Reply ↓
  13. Boss Scaggs*

    I’m not sure why, but the original letter for #1 said it was a grad student, while this one says it’s a junior employee. I’d give much more grace to a student, but it’s a moot point anyway since if you read the update it all seemed to work out nicely

    Reply ↓
    1. physics lab*

      It did! It was mainly a product of this being my first month managing people, managing remotely, and the weirdness of managing someone who you have no ability to really correct when it comes down to it.

      Reply ↓
  14. Cosmo*

    Perfect timing on the mentorship one.

    My role was recently expanded, resulting in some of my mentees now being in my reporting chain. A friend made me aware over the weekend that I should carefully transition them to others and here Alison’s talking about it as well.

    I wouldn’t have thought about the fact it was an issue, but of course it is.

    Reply ↓
  15. Thomas*

    It’s been and gone, but I think it might have helped to see this as more than one problem. There’s the pattern of multiple emails, being passive-aggressive about not getting all the replies at once, ignoring the answers that do come – all things that are unrelated to the employee’s English language skills. And then there’s the language and wording used, which could be more excusable from a non-native speaker.

    Soapbox tangent: Email was never intended to be instant. It usually is nowadays, but delays are normal and standard, and people should stop treating it as instant messaging.

    Reply ↓

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