my company is a great place to work … for everyone but me

by Alison Green on January 21, 2025

A reader writes:

The small company where I work offers good pay, generous PTO and other benefits, a fun and friendly environment, and good work-life balance. It also has an excellent product with a lot of growth potential. Generally, it’s considered by employees to be a great place to work.

The problem for me is that apart from the good pay and friendly coworkers, I mostly miss out on the perks that others enjoy. To be clear, there is a spectrum within the company: some of my coworkers are more overworked and stressed than others. But I’m an outlier: I’ve been assigned responsibility for a lot of the most mission-critical and inflexible work that requires my attention every day without fail, so I cannot take any of my PTO. On top of that, I’m relied on for a lot of precise design and problem-solving that requires intersections of expertise no one else has, and it’s difficult to find interruption-free time for that kind of deep work, so that work gets pushed into my weekends. Meanwhile, everyone else gets to take vacations and have some time to chat and take breaks during the workday, while I have to maintain 10 to 12 hours of being on-task, and even that is not enough to keep up.

A pattern has emerged over the years: when I call attention to my workload and how it’s creating key-person risk for the company as well as unsustainable conditions for myself, I get promises of relief and sometimes actual improvements, but my circumstances backslide before long. I might get approval to hire additional staff and things start functioning better, but then something else goes awry: upper management overpromises to a client, a key employee quits, a supplier falters and we have to plug that gap in-house, etc. Because I have a broad skill set and am seen as reliable, I’m usually the person assigned as the rescuer of whatever situation comes up, so it’s only a matter of time.

Thus far, I’ve stuck around for the job security, pay, and potential for early retirement if our stock options pan out. But I’m also being required to bear a much heavier cost than my coworkers for the same upside, and I’m always teetering on the edge of burnout. Furthermore, the company is so heavily depending on me for crucial functions, much of that growth potential could evaporate if I quit or even just reduced my productivity to an average level. Upper management seems to have convinced themselves (despite what I’ve said) that I am so emotionally invested in their mission that I will endlessly sacrifice the rest of my life to keep their gears turning. That’s the story they tell other people, while also telling me that I should take my PTO, while also telling me, “We know you’re super busy but we really need X and Y and Z done ASAP!”

Is there a plausible strategy for breaking this cycle of the company occasionally listening and improving, but then quickly forgetting and singling me out as the fixer for the next crisis? Or does this sound like a lost cause?

You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.

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{ 217 comments }

{ 217 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Stuart Foote*

    “Upper management seems to have convinced themselves (despite what I’ve said) that I am so emotionally invested in their mission that I will endlessly sacrifice the rest of my life to keep their gears turning.”

    It seems that this is an accurate assessment on their part. As Alison points out, only the LW can change this, whether by finding another job or pushing back on all the work being assigned.

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    1. Sara without an H*

      +1. They’ve convinced themselves of it because it’s true. LW, you are, indeed, sacrificing the rest of your life to keep their gears turning. People tend to believe what you do, rather than what you say. Until you start drawing and enforcing some boundaries, your management will continue to assume that you’ll just get it all done…because that’s what you’ve always done.

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      1. MountainAir*

        Taking a vacation is definitely a priority, but IMO in reading this, it has to start with setting boundaries around weekends (and verbalizing that change and the scheduling/prioritization decision-making that is going to now affect the OP’s work output).

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        2. Ellie*

          Personally, I’d start with some sick leave (about a week’s worth, if you can). Give them a taste of what life is like without you, before coming back and stating that, for your health, you have been told that you need to start setting better boundaries. And then stick to them. The weekend work at least should stop immediately. There are other ways to get uninterrupted time. If you can’t work from home, then work from another location, even if its a meeting room, or put up a sign that says you are on focussed tasks every Friday, and cannot be disturbed. Or start coming in early one day, before anyone else is in, but then leave early too. Or come in late and then stay late. There are better ways to handle this.

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    2. WellRed*

      I’d like to add, if OP does indeed leave, though it sounds like they won’t, it’s not your problem if growth stalls. It’s theirs. Also, don’t hang around for iffy stock options.

      Reply ↓
    3. Barry*

      I think if OP could take a break to do some serious self reflection they would find that’s exactly the case- otherwise OP would have walked away or drawn a boundary long ago. No shame to OP- I’ve been in the same boat. It can be a hamster wheel of keeping everything going with minimal resources. Remember a job will replace you in an instant if it makes business sense (or you are hit by a bus) – so take your vacation and any mental health days you need, give therapy a try to learn about boundaries and take some time to see what jobs are out there. Nothing will change until you change.

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    4. Clorinda*

      Get sick for a week, OP. As in, can’t answer the phone sick. If you need medical documentation, tell the doctor it’s a migraine.
      When you’re better, come back with a plan for how the company can better manage the three-person workload that lands on your plate every day. Who needs to be hired? Which current employees can be cross-trained to take on some of this? Because you’ll get sick again. Everyone does.

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      1. Kevin Sours*

        I’d start with just putting for a week of PTO, tell people you won’t be reachable, and then turning off your phone for the week. I don’t think OP has actually tried that yet.

        Reply ↓
        1. Clorinda*

          Yes, I was momentarily blinded by vicarious rage and missed that he or she hasn’t tried the non-nuclear option!

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        2. Specks*

          This. Take a much deserved 2-week holiday. Tell them you won’t have cell service. Then unplug and relax. If they say it’s impossible to approve the leave, ask them in writing if they’re denying you a key part of your comp package. They need to hire a second person to share your duties and it’s not your problem that they haven’t, it’s theirs.

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  2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Yeah, OP has been assuming all the risk for the decisions made by others.

    Salesperson overpromises to a customer? OP needs to push back – the salesperson has to take the hit and explain why the ad hoc report can’t be delivered when promised.

    If enough other people feel pain, then there will be more momentum for getting somebody else to offload some of OP’s work to.

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    2. JSPA*

      1. Warn earlier.

      2. Remind about the warning more often.

      3. Schedule time off in advance, let them know they need to build an actual backup for that time. Do not be sucked into getting two weeks worth done in one week, ahead of time, or doing it all after.

      4. Take additional unscheduled time off if they ignore your warnings, and let the poop hit the propeller.

      5. Repeat until they build in contingency planning and cross-train or hire for adequate backup.

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  3. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    Stop doing all this stuff. You cannot care more about how the company runs than those in charge. If something is mission critical, the owners can make sure it gets done.

    Take your vacations. If the company falls apart because you took a week off, those stock options aren’t going to pan out. Because there is ALWAYS a chance you will leave. What if someone offered you more money, with better structure so everything doesn’t wind up on your plate? You would leave in a heart beat. then this company would have to figure it out. So make them figure it out before it gets to that point.

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    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      “You cannot care more about how the company runs than those in charge. ”

      This! A thousand times this. Great advice for both this LW but also everyone else everywhere.

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      1. Momma Bear*

        So much this. OP please stop sacrificing your weekends and PTO. Teach them to fish and remind them that their emergencies are not your fires. If Sales screwed up, put that back on Sales. You deserve a break as much as anybody and that’s your compensation you are throwing away. Do not care more for them than they care about you.

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      2. Abogado Avocado.*

        Agreed. The company does this because the LW doesn’t consistently push back. Which is very hard when you’re talented, dedicated and responsible, and have always been the “go to” person who can ford streams, climb mountains and get the job done. Which is who LW seems to be. But it’s really terrible for your mental health, LW, to always be that person and to never take a break.

        You are so worth more than your job and what you produce, LW. If you were to think back on this moment 30 years from now, would you really say, “I’m so glad I worked my ass off and never took a vacay,” or would you think, “I should traveled/spent more time with my loved ones/taken cooking classes while I was younger.” (I’m betting the latter.) Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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      3. Ama*

        Yes, I know from my own experience how easy it is to get sucked into this trap, especially if it’s a job you really care about.

        At one point at my last job I was discussing what would make it possible for me to stay with my husband – which entailed both a promotion (I had been running my department for years but didn’t have a department head title) and asking to basically chop my responsibilities in half (I did two very different things which had both grown to full-time jobs in and of themselves). “I can’t say ‘give me a promotion and also I only want to do half my job’ ,” I said.

        “Why not?” my husband said. “If things keep on as they are you’re going to leave anyway. At least this way you’ll know if they’re actually willing to try to keep you.” (I had at this point been job searching for a year but it was 2021.)

        So I did it. And they actually listened, and for two years I actually liked my job again and wasn’t drowning in stress and overwork (and then I got a new boss who didn’t understand my job and ended up quitting last year but that’s a different story).

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      2. New Jack Karyn*

        That particular work by LeGuin is a short story, and I think can be found online.

        Not to say you shouldn’t seek out a collection of her short stories!

        Reply ↓
  5. Amber Rose*

    In addition to setting boundaries, please take a vacation. Please just tell them, “I need to be off work from X day to Y day.” And if they push back and say no, point out that you literally haven’t taken a vacation in however long it’s been and that’s not reasonable, so you need to take those days off.

    I strongly recommend at least two weeks where you turn your phone off so they can’t bother you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coffee Protein Drink.*

      I came to the comments to say, “Use the PTO.” It’s part of the compensation.

      Then start learning how to say no. Assuming this much responsibility is not healthy and unfair.

      Reply ↓
    2. Melicious*

      It’s been pointed out by Allison and other la before that people taking PTO is good for the company to see their points of risk. If you left or needed medical leave, they need to be able to handle it. If they can’t, they need to feel that. They won’t make systems to work around you being gone unless you’re… gone.

      Reply ↓
    3. Annony*

      Yep. Use the PTO. Make a list of what someone needs to do while you are out and give it to your boss. Let them figure it out from there. And stop working on the weekend. If they won’t offload enough tasks for you to have time to do high level work, that work doesn’t get done.

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    4. Melicious*

      It’s been pointed out here many times. It’s important and in everyone’s best interest for employees to take PTO. It allows everyone to FEEL where they don’t have backups for you. If you quit or needed medical leave or whatever, they’d be hosed. They need to feel what would happen if you’re gone; and they won’t unless you’re… gone. Take a vacation! Prepare them as best you can if that makes you feel better, but GO!

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      1. Davesgirl*

        “I’ve been assigned responsibility for a lot of the most mission-critical and inflexible work that requires my attention every day without fail, so I cannot take any of my PTO. On top of that, I’m relied on for a lot of precise design and problem-solving that requires intersections of expertise no one else has, and it’s difficult to find interruption-free time for that kind of deep work, so that work gets pushed into my weekends. Meanwhile, everyone else gets to take vacations and have some time to chat and take breaks during the workday, while I have to maintain 10 to 12 hours of being on-task, and even that is not enough to keep up.”

        The only thing you ‘have’ to do is die and pay taxes. If this company has one person doing the work of 3, they are saving a boatload of money on salary, not to mention benefits.

        All of the skills you have can be learned by others. you learned them, right? So let them pay to hire others.

        Unless you’re the lead dog, the view will not change.

        Reply ↓
    6. Kevin Sours*

      The thing is if you read it closely it’s not clear that there really is any push back from management here. Yeah they are loading OP up with high priority tasks but — that’s what happens when you are a high performer. When OP has said something the response appears to be sympathetic and, at least some of the time, action is taken to improve matters.

      OP doesn’t *feel* like they can take a vacation but I’m not sure how much of that is perception vs reality. Management might be expecting OP to set appropriate boundaries and manage their workload more than they have been doing.

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      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        This is a really good point. Setting reasonable work boundaries might not get much push-back at all. Ditto taking a vacation with reasonable notice.

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    7. Grandma*

      +1000, at least two weeks and with notice that you will not be available by smart phone, sat phone, pay phone, email or message – just gone. All things considered, you might think about a meditation retreat or similar for the first week.

      Reply ↓
    8. animaniactoo*

      I had a former manager freak out when I was going camping on my vacation and no, I was not going to be able to plug my cell phone in to the nearest tree.

      That was a sign to both of us that more people needed to be able to act as backup for me/he needed to be more informed about what I was actually doing/in the middle of doing.

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  7. learnedthehardway*

    You need to take your PTO — whether or not your job is mission critical. A) it’s part of your compensation package. B) you’re going to be miserable and burnt out if you don’t. C) your company will lose you if you can’t take your PTO – you’ll leave or get sick.

    I keep telling my spouse the same thing, and also that he cannot take responsibility for preventing the (very foreseeable) disasters that the company leadership has failed to anticipate / plan for. I keep telling him that nothing will change if other people do not feel the pain of their (poor) decisions.

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    2. Specks*

      Yep. OP, will anyone literally die if you go on vacation for 2 weeks? Are you a doctor saving lives in a war zone or a public health official organizing a pandemic response? That’s the only reason to put your private life on hold for years while your company uses you and does nothing to relieve your burden. If their revenue falls or they experience other stress or financial consequences for not having adequate staffing, that’ll be an excellent lesson for them.

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        Even doctors saving lives in warzones need to prioritize protecting their own lives. You can’t help anyone if you’re dead.

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  8. Yankees fans are awesome*

    Hard agree with the advice. But I hate when companies take full advantage and wait to be told “Hey, this isn’t working!” by employees, rather than availing themselves to *notice* something like this isn’t working and pro-actively doing something about it.

    Reply ↓
    2. Strive to Excel*

      People in general are really bad at seeing systems that seem to be working. Everyone, everywhere, from companies to families. You have to actively look for ‘working’ systems that are actually dysfunctional. There’s a reason why the “scream test” is such a reliable IT check; it’s a way to spot what things that are actively running are not actually needed. The lack of PTO taken is probably the biggest highlight that there’s something wrong and that relies on a company proactively checking that PTO is being taken.

      It also relies on an employee communicating with their manager consistently – not once or twice, but consistently – when they don’t have enough time to finish a given task.

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    3. Elbe*

      100% agree.

      Yes, the LW should set better boundaries and hold firm to them. But it is awful that employees have to do that type of emotional labor on top of all of the actual labor they are doing. When people are burned out and exhausted, it’s an additional hardship to make them try to find the magic words to convince their boss that their needs should be taken seriously.

      Reply ↓
  9. sgpb*

    This letter could be me two months ago. Unfortunately, I basically had a mental breakdown. I took FMLA for a month and then had to quit because my doctors basically told me to. I begged for help ALL THE TIME before that. Management knew I was extremely overworked but because I always got everything done they just… never did anything. Then I had to quit and everything was basically a disaster for them but… that wasn’t MY fault–it was theirs! I could have gotten hit by a bus and the same thing would have happened. Their mismanagement is not YOUR responsibility!

    Reply ↓
      1. Momma Bear*

        Right. OP might not even get there at this rate (and stocks are a big IF). I had a coworker drop dead over a weekend from a heart attack. OP, put yourself first. I had a job where I quit because of the damage to my mental and physical health. I hope OP looks around and sees what their options are.

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    2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Much sympathy mate. Also a veteran of a nervous breakdown and people really do not understand how much they eff you up.

      I hope you’re being gentle to yourself, however you choose to heal.

      Reply ↓
    3. Caramel & Cheddar*

      This. LW, they can either be without you for a week and know you’re coming back, or they could be without you forever because you quit due to the ridiculous expectations. Which do you think they’d prefer if they were actually presented with those choices as is? Because I guarantee you they aren’t even thinking about the second option right now and will somehow be super surprised when it ends up going in that direction.

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    4. AnyaT*

      This. OP, I’d actually suggest instead of taking a 1 or 2 week vacation, you take a more extended medical leave to recover from the stress. Think 4 to 6 weeks to give you time to recover, and them time to figure out alternate plans. I think they need to see it all go to hell to get some action and help for you.

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      1. Overthinking It*

        Nah, i start with one or 2 weeks vacation. Then, no weekend work except in direst of emergencies. and then no more than 3-4 hrs per weekend. (If it’s really a crunch, and you have to do more than 3-4hrs because something is due Monday, tell the boss you expect xomp time (not your pto!) the next week. Even if you a salaried/exempt, and you area is shorthanded -because of illness, vacations, RECENT resignations, (not lack of hiring) – more than 50hr per week is just. . .excessive

        Reply ↓
    5. Totally Minnie*

      I was literally just coming here to recommend FMLA. I have a former coworker who hit burnout levels and their doctor filled out FMLA paperwork for several weeks of medical leave and a return to work requirement that the patient was not under any circumstances to work more than 8 hours per day.

      If the LW thinks their workplace might push back on them resetting their work life balance, my next step would be to see a doctor and ask for that.

      Reply ↓
      1. Aerin*

        I’m recently back from three months of PTO, officially for anxiety and brain fog but also largely for burnout. The tipping point was when I started forgetting what I was doing while I was on an active call. As in, “Wait, am I on a call right now?” That (and mentioning that I was considering another visit to a mental health clinic where I’d previously been treated) was enough to get my psychiatrist to sign off on a leave. The time to rest and process also allowed me to figure out the most useful lines to draw upon my return to prevent this from happening again.

        Definitely start talking to a doctor! Even if you’re just establishing care and they won’t approve a leave right off the bat, you can start laying the groundwork for it, and they might agree to submit other restrictions in the meantime.

        Reply ↓
    6. EttaPlace*

      This was me last year, too. It didn’t stop until I left the place I’d been at for 20 years and had hoped to retire from. But it’s not worth your health or happiness. I’m in a new workplace with about half the expectations and at least $12k more pay. I sleep at night, I don’t snap at my family, and I don’t wonder how long I could get out of work if I got into an accident on the way there. If you’re wishing your life away because work sucks that bad, then work needs to change!

      Reply ↓
  10. Artemesia*

    Plan a two week vacation for a time that works well for you, but it also not an unusually high pressure time if possible. Do it well in advance (it is ridiculous to not use your PTO — it is part of your pay). Tell your boss, someone will need to be trained as backup during that period — tell them the tickets are non refundable and it is an important family event. Then train back up or keep pushing on that need. Leave.

    This happens because you let it. And while you are thinking about this start your job search as well. Don’t alert anyone you are searching so you can move only when it pleases you. When it does, give two weeks notice, don’t work overtime and smile inwardly.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      My amendment to this advice is to hell with well in advance and training. Fly away in 2 weeks. Let them feel a preview of what happens when you give your notice.

      Reply ↓
      1. Zephy*

        +1 to this. You need to spend the first half of February on a beach somewhere and your company needs to Figure That Shit Out without you.

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        1. StephChi*

          Preferably in a time zone where it makes it impossible for the LW to take part in work calls, because you know they’d ask her to be on them when she’s supposed to be on vacation.

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  11. PayRaven*

    Alison’s point about how it’s not a problem FOR THEM yet is hugely important.

    What makes it a problem management has to solve is when things start not happening. Whether that happens because you’ve burned all the way out or because you just start letting some balls drop, they won’t fix it until it’s actually a problem demanding their attention.

    It’s not right! It’s not right at all!! but it IS the way to frame it in your mind.

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  12. soontoberetired*

    what short sighted management this letter writer has but I’ve seen this in practice for small systems at my company. Take vacation!

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  13. lunchtime caller*

    I feel like LW is being given high level responsibility but still acting like the lowest level peon. By that I mean counting on their boss or whoever to be overseeing their workload closely enough that they feel like they should just accept what work is assigned to them and only bring up workload issues at their review or something. But really when you’re a high level, heavily relied upon and very much in demand worker, you need to be protecting your schedule and boundaries every single day. It’s just part of the package of being so on top of things, people expect you to also be on top of alerting them to unrealistic deadlines and prioritizing your to do list. They will wait for you if they think you’re good enough, which they clearly do!

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    2. Beth*

      This! I’d even go a step further–OP, you’ve tried alerting them that your workload is unreasonable, and they haven’t listened, so it’s time to actually let balls drop.

      Do it strategically. Don’t drop task X that will sink the company if you don’t do it–drop task Y that will cause a crisis if left undone but ultimately be recoverable. You can even tell your boss in advance that Y is at risk because you’re focused on X and Z mission-critical tasks and have no bandwith for it. Keep doing this, for your lowest-priority tasks (which, from your description of your job, I’d say anything that isn’t “the company will fail if I don’t do this right now” is lower priority on your to do list), until those tasks get taken off your plate.

      Also, schedule a vacation, ideally 2 weeks but at least 1, for a month or two from now. Tell your manager you need someone to cover for you on A, B, and C, and insist that they designate someone for you to cross-train. Nag them about it until they do it. I bet you’ll be able to keep pulling that person in to share the load once you’re back.

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      1. Grenelda Thurber*

        Yes! This! You don’t have to cut them off all at once. start with one new boundary, like say, stop working weekends? Or even, stop working both weekend days (I know how things are with startups.). Stop being available to work one day a week, and don’t work extra on other days to make up the difference. They aren’t going to change anything until it becomes a problem for THEM. Right now, it’s just a problem for you.

        I know how great it feels to save the day and be the hero. Everybody thanks you and and you feel important, like you really matter, you feel safe. They may even toss a $100 gift certificate to a fancy restaurant your way or give you a company jacket. But, for heaven’s sake, don’t forget that your upper management would toss you out on your ear if they thought it would improve that stock price or get them that bonus or benefit them in any way, without a second thought. They only care about you as long as you provide something they need, preferably without complaint.

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      2. Strive to Excel*

        Absolutely do tell your boss that Y, and also lower priority tasks B & C, are not going to get done. Do not just stop doing work that people assume you are doing without giving them a heads-up.

        It may not be your work and you may not need to be doing it. I’m not saying you have to ask for permission. But always keep the loop closed regarding communication.

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    3. frogtown*

      Yes. You have power. Realize this and use it. It is highly likely they will respect you for it rather than whatever you might be worried about. (It may even be the case that they actually don’t know how much you really do. If you take a long vacation, however, they will see it.)

      Do not worry about not being seen as “nice.” The situation as it stands makes me fear that they may see you as a bit of a pushover. (If you have problems saying no at work, I also wonder how this has affected your personal life? Do you tend to take responsibility for stuff that is not your responsibility there, like trying to “fix” a partner, or overextend yourself by agreeing to social events that you don’t actually want to attend?)

      I hope you have also been asking for raises.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It may even be the case that they actually don’t know how much you really do. If you take a long vacation, however, they will see it.
        This. When everything works with no effort on my part, that’s great! That’s how I want the systems around me to work. But I don’t then spend time thinking about all the little facets that go into making that system and how much I appreciate each one–I get onto the other stuff I need to work on.

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        1. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

          to add to this – if I’m your manager and you’ve told me about piecemeal workload issues, or I feel like I’ve done things (like add staff) to address workload issues, I’m going to assume it’s resolved. I’d personally check in with you periodically about workload but if you aren’t clear and direct with me that it’s too much, I’m not going to independently put the pieces together, and especially for someone fairly senior I’m not going to probe too hard to figure out if all is not well – I am really, really relying on you to tell me in very clear and direct terms. So if you haven’t laid it all out for your boss – maybe in memo format – that could be worth trying.

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      2. KateM*

        I imagine that when someone is working 10-12 hours on working days plus weekends, the questions about their personal life are more or less moot.

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  14. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    There’s a choice. Either take the leave now, or end up taking a year out of your career when you have a full scale nervous breakdown. Either way the company will continue.

    A single point of failure on a business critical system is guaranteed to crash.

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    1. K Smith*

      This is a great way to look at things! PTO is truly part of your compensation.

      OP, would you allow your employer to dock your paycheck by 10% each month? And just accept that as ‘the way things are’? I hope not!

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    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      ^^^^^^ THIS THIS THIS

      My first thought was how PTO gets paid out at some workplaces when you leave, it’s a benefit equal to your pay rate X the amount of PTO. So I would say that every day of PTO they give up is like writing a check to the company for a day’s (gross) pay.

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  16. Caramel & Cheddar*

    LW you have to stop being the tiny plug in the giant dam of whatever it is your workplace does. Right now they think everything is working fine because you are making everything work fine.

    I feel like for us “fixer” types who want to make sure that things keep working so our colleagues don’t suffer, it can be really hard to just let things fail, but sometimes you have to. Take your vacation and see what happens if you turn off your notifications for a week. Something will probably break, but you need to be okay with that because it’s a concrete example to your management that, no, everything is not fine.

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  17. Falling Diphthong*

    OP, you need to be willing to let some balls drop. Right now, you do whatever is needed to keep juggling them all, and management has built that into their model of how the business works.

    Given your position–deeply mission critical–it makes sense to just say “Look, I’m burning out. I need to start having the sort of boundaries everyone else is enjoying. And that means I will stop working weekends. And I’ll be out the third and fourth weeks of February, on a true vacation.” You need to stop being the no-effort solution to all their problems: If you aren’t sprinting over to catch that ball, then someone above you (who isn’t putting any effort into the problem now) will figure out how to catch it.

    The best long-range option for everyone here is that you get some relief and a more reasonable workload, and so stay around.

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  18. Indica*

    OP,

    Take a vacation.

    They know you’re available all the time for all the things because you are. You have PTO. Take it. Do not answer your phone for anyone from work.

    But take that vacation and get work out of your head. You desperately need that, it’s so clear from every word in your letter.

    Reply ↓
  19. Anon in the Midwest*

    Wow, I could have written this last year (and I did complain in the comments here about my similar situation). In my case, I’ve gotten a new manager who FINALLY acknowledged the issue and has delegated several of my most time consuming and junior tasks to a colleague of mine. I still get to do the work that I like best, and there are still busy weeks with bad hours, but much less than before.

    What helped in my case was increasing the frequency of talking about how the workload issues affect me, and also letting a few things fall through the cracks (not the most important work, but still timely things that ended up being visibly a few weeks late). And getting a new manager who was less afraid of making changes to the status quo.

    Reply ↓
  20. Workfromhome*

    This is not meant to be unkind but more of a reality check to help you:
    “Upper management seems to have convinced themselves (despite what I’ve said) that I am so emotionally invested in their mission that I will endlessly sacrifice the rest of my life to keep their gears turning”

    They have not convinced themselves of this. You through your actions have proven this. You are saying one thing “this is unsustainable I’m going to burnout, I cant keep doing this” but yet for years you’ve continued to do it. Whenever the new hire leaves, or a supplier falters you plug the gap and you keep plugging the gap.
    Why would they believe that its not sustainable if you keep sustaining it. If tey have been achieving their results for years due to your work why would they change? Dont fix it if it ain’t broken.

    If you are as invaluable as you say you are in control here. Book your vacation. Thats you advising them they need to prepare to be without you. If something happens they will need to have a plan. Be unreachable.
    If something will fail due to a supplier let it fail. Let the supplier bear the brunt of it one time and put a plan in place or lose the business.
    I have lived this. Document everything when you see potential failure due to to others, and then when it fails tell them “I told you so” . If they value you as much as they say they will listen to your advice and you will have protected yourself from blame.
    If the company cant endure one failure if you dont solve it then you are so valuable they should be paying you a TON of money and sharing profits. If not then they dont really value you and you should take your invaluable expertise elsewhere.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      OP, they believe this is sustainable because you have ground yourself into a smear trying to make it sustainable.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sara without an H*

      They have not convinced themselves of this. You through your actions have proven this.

      +1000. OP, you need to use your power here and negotiate a reasonable workload that is limited to the things that only you can do. Delegate, delegate, delegate. And if somebody else screws up, don’t step in to save the day.

      Reply ↓
  21. I am the bridge over their gaps*

    I had a job like this. I did everything, solved every problem, and was the “miracle worker” who bridged all the gaps in our systems by putting in 60+ hour weeks.

    I knew it was too much so I asked for and got a $5/hour raise. I went from $15 to $20 an hour in 2009 so it was A LOT. I was working too much but the pay was worth it to me and I believed in what we were building!

    Then my coworker complained to our great-grand-boss that I hadn’t finished my degree yet so it wasn’t right for me to make more per hour than my peers who had.

    Great-grand-boss told me he would keep that extra $5/hour in a bank for me and then give me a lump sum when I left to go back to college IF I met some criteria he refused to clearly define. Basically if HE thought I “had earned it” then he would but wanted me to sign something that said he didn’t have to pay me the difference if I didn’t?

    I got the news on a day I had come into the office FOUR HOURS EARLY to get a time sensitive project done. I asked my manager if there was any way she could fix it? She said no because it was over her head. I immediately quit. No notice.

    Point of the story: I later heard through the grapevine the company had hired seven people to fill all my duties. SEVEN.

    It took months because they couldn’t get any one person to do everything I’d been doing so it kept getting split into more and more roles.

    My former manager and I talked years later and she said, “I have no idea how you did so much? You were a whole team by yourself?”

    Reply ↓
    2. Grenelda Thurber*

      Your upper management tried to revoke a pay raise because one of your coworkers complained you didn’t have a degree, and then offered you an optional (to them) carrot if you continued killing yourself at the lower pay rate?? There are so many things wrong with this, I don’t even know where to start.

      Quitting on the spot was the only reasonable option. I’m giving you a standing ovation over here.

      Reply ↓
  23. Pete*

    When you take Allison’s advice, make sure conversations are in writing because when things fall apart, you will be blamed by the inept management.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rosie Cotton*

      Absolutely this! Document everything you do in a given week before you set your boundaries, document when you have a “I have to do x, y, z but I only have time for two of those, which should I prioritize?” conversation, etc etc. The worst kind of manager would see setting healthy boundaries as insubordination and being resistant/leading with ‘no’. It happened to me at the crux of my burnout in a very similar situation. I wish you the very best of luck and a restful vacation (or three!).

      Reply ↓
  24. Scriveaaa*

    I’ve been in this position before. It’s tough to hear, and even tougher to implement, but this is the kind of ‘tough love’ advice that will truly change your life if you let it.

    Reply ↓
    1. airport gemstone*

      Same, I knew it wasn’t great, but when I left that job for a better company, looking was like “woah I should have set better boundaries”.

      Reply ↓
  25. sofar*

    LW, it’s time to SHOW rather than TELL. As others have said, take PTO. Take at least a week. Leave a plan with a list of what needs to be done, communicate it to your manager, ask for support in getting coverage. I bet you anything, the reaction will be, “Oh it’ll be fine,” and they will expect you to sign on and put out little fires. Don’t do that. Tell everyone you will be unplugged and have no internet. Elaborate no further.

    I doubt you’ll get fired upon return (may have some eff you money saved up just in case). Things will break, you’ll probably have a lot of stress when. you get back. OR maybe others will end up cross-trained in some things. Or maybe something will NOT get done, nobody noticed, and you get useful intel about what leadership’s priorities are.

    p. s. I had a situation where I was the “hole plugger” at my company. I left for 5 days, but got stranded out of the country with no cellphone, flight delays, and no way to communicate with my coworkers. I missed 2 extra days of work. Nobody asked if I was OK. Nobody was like, “Hmmm it’s not like Sofar to miss a presentation she was giving and go MIA for two days, let me reach out to her emergency contact.” I returned to a Slack queue filled with, “Hey are you joining?”, the link to the Zoom with, “Where are you?” and “Hey, aren’t you back today, can you jump on XYZ?” That gave me the motivation to rage-apply for jobs and jump to a competitor.

    Reply ↓
      1. Wendy Darling*

        I can also recommend rural Ireland for lovely landscapes and unreliable connectivity. I have not mentioned to anyone at my job that my inlaws moved from Sheep Country, Nowhere, Ireland, 1mbps internet to the city so I can continue to be unreachable every time we visit.

        Or you could just go someplace where the roaming on your phone is crazy expensive so you “have to” turn off data. Delightful.

        Reply ↓
          1. Wendy Darling*

            My inlaws’ old place had internet so flaky that it would go down if the weather was a bit rougher than usual. Once it went down because a tree got too big and fluffy. It sucked for watching Netflix but was amazing for being unreachable for work purposes — I could rarely get a stable enough connection to get anything done and it was perfection.

            They now have very reliable fiber internet but I’ll never tell.

            Reply ↓
      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Costa Rica is lovely, and you would need to buy an in-country cell phone to have service. (They have internet. But, no reason for OP to mention that.)

        Reply ↓
      3. soontoberetired*

        I know someone who chose to go to Yellowstone just so no one from work could call him. He’s found places people can’t reach him to take vacation every year since.

        Reply ↓
      4. Sara without an H*

        So is the Grand Canyon. The NPS says they have internet access available, at least on the South Rim, but I could never get it to work. After a while, I stopped trying. Lovely!

        Reply ↓
    2. HonorBox*

      Combining your first and third paragraphs to add this… Take your PTO somewhere that features less cell service or internet availability. Maybe that’s international. Maybe you’re in the woods in Northern Wisconsin. And maybe there’s plenty of coverage wherever you choose to go, but at least tell people you’re going to be somewhere with spotty coverage. Or engaged in an activity that makes you more unreachable.

      If you have a work phone… leave it behind.

      Reply ↓
  26. Kevin Sours*

    “when I call attention to my workload and how it’s creating key-person risk for the company as well as unsustainable conditions for myself, I get promises of relief and sometimes actual improvements, but my circumstances backslide before long”

    OP may be in a position where workload needs to be a continuous conversation, not something that is brought up and “solved”.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pete*

      And get it all in writing, someone is going to get blamed when it all falls apart and it not going to be management.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kevin Sours*

        I’m not sure that’s really the case here. Everybody except OP appears to have a reasonable workload. So either OP is the only person in the company in a mission critical role or everybody else is doing some things differently and… it’s fine.

        Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think you’re onto something: That OP slowly works up the willingness to talk about work-load, and expects that talk to resolve it. When it needs to be more like a monthly “I can take on K but not L or M.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Kevin Sours*

        The letter suggests that the talk *does* fix things — at least some of the time — it just doesn’t stay fixed. In some places there is just more work than time to do it and people are expected to juggle their work queues and communicate what isn’t going to get done. Given that everybody else seems to get to go home for the weekend I’m wondering if there isn’t a culture disconnect at the root of this.

        Reply ↓
  27. Rainy*

    I worked in the higher ed version of this, and I found another job and left. They are still picking up the pieces. They made a good hiring decision in replacing me…for once (lol), but he’s going to end up burning out too because they’re not going to change how they do things. The best thing you can do for yourself, OP, is leave. They’ll figure it out (or not).

    Reply ↓
  28. HonorBox*

    OP, you say “potential for early retirement if our stock options pan out.” Read that out loud to yourself a couple of times and note that there are two very key words you use… POTENTIAL for early retirement IF our stock options pan out. What if the stock options don’t pan out? What if you are putting in the work and for some reason can’t retire early?

    I know the math gets a little murky, but if you feel like you’re well-paid, are you really that well paid if you’re putting in 10-12 hour workdays and working weekends regularly? Your salary may look great if you’re working 40-50 hours per week. But if you’re working 70-80, it probably isn’t nearly as good.

    This is their problem to solve. Make them solve it. You’re clearly well respected and clearly a key employee. But you’re running the risk of burning out fast, at best. They haven’t seen the urgency in helping solve the problem so you need to respectfully force their hand. As suggested in the answer, say no. Mean it. Take you PTO. And actually take it. If something doesn’t get done because you’re not there and no one else is capable, they’ll figure out quickly that they need to add to the staff, remove some of the projects on your plate, etc.

    Or … walk away. Yes, you like the security, but you’re presently overworked, underpaid for the hours you’re working, and not able to actually use your benefits. While threats of departure may sometimes be seen as a bluff, let them call you on it. They’ll figure out quickly how badly they’ve treated you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rainy*

      I’ve known of more than one startup that promised stock options once their hires had been there two years, and then somehow magically 23 months in they were laid off. In one case of a local startup this had been happening for 5+ years and somehow everyone was always blindsided by it.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aerin*

      There’s a big big difference between “if I put up with this for another year I’m fully vested in the pension/get one last year-end bonus/finish an assignment that would look amazing on my resume/etc” and “if the company does well enough because I’m doing three jobs I might possibly be able to retire early someday.”

      I’ve done that trade-off before, and so has Spouse. But in every case it was 1) a relatively short duration, 2) a hard end date, 3) a guarantee (or as close as can exist) that the payoff would materialize. You have none of those.

      The math doesn’t add up, and you will not get your time or your health back. The “security” of a place that will collapse without your present efforts is no security at all.

      Reply ↓
  29. I'm great at doing stuff*

    Oh my goodness, use your PTO! It is literally part of your compensation package.

    I have had colleagues in the past say they “can’t” take time off, and no one is actually telling them that. While I know that does happen some places, from my experience it is the employee’s perception that they cannot or the company will fall apart without them. It is NOT your fault if that happens, and it also likely just won’t happen.

    You are not doing yourself or your org any favors by burning yourself out.

    Reply ↓
  30. A Simple Narwhal*

    I agree with Alison’s advice that management is going to continue to make zero changes because at the end of the day, the work is getting done. They don’t care that you’re setting yourself on fire to keep them warm, they only care that the room stays warm. Screaming for help should be enough to spur them to action, but instead they go “oh gosh that’s terrible! Isn’t that terrible? Anyways, isn’t it nice and toasty in here? I love how toasty it is.”

    Unfortunately sometimes the only way to make someone care about your problem is to make it their problem too. It shouldn’t work that way, but sadly it does in too many cases. Start pushing back. Someone overpromises? Not your problem. You absolutely must get this done now? Ok, but that means this other thing won’t get done. And send it to your manager every. single time. You’re getting inundated with requests? That means they are too.

    Alison is right – you have a lot of power here. They apparently desperately need you to keep the operation running, so don’t be afraid of pushing back.

    Reply ↓
    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      A quick happy story on my experience with this –

      A few years ago my team had an issue where people would constantly demand that their project that wasn’t due for weeks absolutely must get done right this second. And after we dropped everything to deliver they would just sit on it for weeks because they didn’t actually need it sooner, they just wanted it sooner. Our manager didn’t think there was a real issue, told us the system was working fine as is and to just get it (aka everything) done, because even though it was running us ragged, the work was getting done. We finally had enough and instead started telling the requesters that their request to fast track the project was outside of the planned schedule, and if it absolutely had to be reprioritized then they needed to talk to our manager to get it officially approved and the schedule redone.

      It took almost an insultingly short amount of time of people going to my manager for him to decide that the current system wasn’t actually working properly and to fix it.

      So yea, making your problem someone else’s problem too is the surest way to get their buy-in to change it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Nothing quite matches that feeling of hitting a tight deadline and then, four weeks later, someone contacts you to mention that you sent the wrong file. And they are noticing it for the first time now.

        Reply ↓
  31. Sybil Writes*

    Your company is not a good place to work.
    You have direct knowledge of one very risky behavior by management (relying exclusively on one key employee for too many mission-critical things).
    Anyone looking in to buying or investing in this company would consider that weakness and a threat to success.
    What you don’t know is what OTHER risky/poor decisions are your management team making? If you think your stock options or other benefits are not at risk, I believe you are mistaken.
    Take care of yourself, either by establishing healthy boundaries or get out as soon as possible.

    Reply ↓
  32. Dust Bunny*

    Use the Pto. Scare them a bit.

    They’re doing this because they can—you keep meeting their needs. Stop killing yourself. Take time off. Go home on time. Push back on unrealistic promises. Consider looking for a new job. It’s not your problem if the place tanks when yo leave.

    Reply ↓
  33. A*

    At my previous workplace (very large tech company) I would sometimes get job candidates asking me what kind of person would not be a good fit for the role or company, basically who would I warn away

    My answer was that people who can’t walk away at the end of the day/week/sprint/etc and log off if there’s still work to do. The people who will just keep going because there’s more work to do will find that there is ALWAYS more work to do (it’s deliberate, there are always stretch goals, and management should not be driving people into the grave to reach every goal but the goals are always aggressive) and they’ll burn out and leave in a year. Folks who can be at peace doing their best work and making sure they’re aligned with priorities and flagging issues etc but still log off on Friday afternoon and go enjoy their weekend will do much better in the long run. Sometimes there’s busy periods or things are urgent enough that the extra hours are worth it but that should be like one week every few months not half the time.

    LW sounds like the kind of person who is not meant for the “shoot for the moon and land among the stars” kind of workplace because you will let yourself get too caught up in it and let it devour you. You can either try to change your response to the situation or change the situation. But even if you change jobs you may still need help to not fall into this in the long run

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      I recently told a friend that their “to do” list will never be a “to done” list. Things need to shuffle. You need to be able to backburner something. And there’s security in that. You’re not hired to do one single project and then be complete by a date. Your list will always be there.

      Reply ↓
  34. An Australian in London*

    “I cannot take any of my PTO”

    I wonder if it helps to rewrite that as

    “I cannot take any of my salary”

    That’s a thing that founders and owners might say. Not anyone else.

    Reply ↓
    1. An Australian in London*

      Also this is a great time to ask for a significant raise and to adjust both the stock amount and the vesting schedule.

      Reply ↓
  35. Dinwar*

    This was me up until last October.

    There are a few things I did that helped me.

    First, take a week and write down everything you do. Literally EVERYTHING. A lot of times people don’t really understand how busy you are in these sorts of positions, and writing it down makes a huge difference in these discussions.

    Second, look through the documents on your role and determine what they actually are. Note what’s actually your job, and what’s someone else’s job that they’re making you do. Do you want to do these things? Sometimes it’s yes–for example, my boss delegated a lot of his responsibilities to me, because I was pushing for a promotion and it made that process easier (“He’s doing 80% of the work for this position anyway” is an easy sell). But sometimes it’s a hard no.

    Third, look at what you can delegate. This is a surprisingly hard part. The type of person who stays in a role like this is the type of person who takes their job personally, and watching someone screw up is painful. Further, you get used to the insanity, and going to a normal workload feels wrong, feels like you’re being lazy. When I discussed this with my boss he said “As long as you’re working more than 40 hours a week you’re not delegating enough.” Gave me a solid benchmark to compare myself to. That benchmark may be different for you–an accountant is going to work more than 40 hours in April, for example–but it’s useful to find one.

    Finally, make a plan for how you want your career to go and stick with it. I recently turned down work, which always makes me twitchy–but it’s work that’s suited to more junior staff, and I need to focus on the work at and just above my level. Knowing that, knowing the “Why”, makes this a more palatable decision.

    It sounds really weird, but being replaceable isn’t a bad thing. What I mean is, if you’re NOT replaceable than you’re basically at the mercy of everyone in the company. You don’t get a say in anything. And that’s really, really bad for your mental health. Being replaceable means that there are sufficient resources that you can have a life outside the company–you can say “This isn’t my responsibility” without the company going under. For someone who’s been critical for years it’s a really uncomfortable feeling–there’s a level of security in knowing that they can’t afford to get rid of you, after all. But it’s a false sense of security. No one will ever remember your successes in a role like this; no one will ever forget your mistakes.

    I remember the night I realized this….I’d gotten a phone call from my wife about something my son was doing, which could indicate a serious medical condition just went from “serious” to “terminal” (turned out okay; kid has anxiety issues, which is normal for an 8 year old who had brain surgery!). I literally could not stop crying for several hours. And I’m not someone who cries. I just….I couldn’t take it anymore. And I realized something. Earlier that day we had been discussing how to keep a machine from operating in the red, because while it sped things up in the short-term it broke the machine after a few days. And humans aren’t any different. We have an operational envelope, and if we exceed it for too long we break. And I had been operating in the red for years at that point. I was able to point to specific issues that arose because of that–internal policy violations, errors, quality issues, all because I was doing the work of 16 people at once (no joke, a colleague counted it). I realized that I wouldn’t say a machine was bad for not operating in ways it wasn’t designed to; it’s the operator that broke it. Likewise, I can’t take moral blame for not working myself, quite literally, to death–it’s actually a moral FAILURE to push yourself into the red for extended periods of time, for exactly the same reason it’s a moral failure to do so to machines. Ignoring my own needs, it’s in the best interest of the company for the employees to take care of themselves and not break.

    Reply ↓
    2. Purple Jello*

      OP, internalize Dinwar’s comment.

      It’s going to be hard to change: you’re a responsible employee. You don’t want to let anyone down. BUT… they are letting you down.

      You need to set boundaries, let the business know what they are, and then… let things fail. When something critical fails, especially after you’ve affirmed your boundaries, they will have to deal with it. And then, something will happen.

      For example: Among multiple other job responsibilities, I was the point person for new contracts. I sent them out to multiple people for comments, and initially spent lots of time following up. But you know what? I was working with adults and so quit nagging people. No one got back to me. When no one got back to the customer by their deadline, they called the company CEO – and it was a huge brouhaha among the entire senior staff. Surprisingly, I was not in trouble: I had warned them that I was overworked, had asked for additional staffing and assistance (like you), and had been ignored. I had longevity at the company and a good reputation (like you!) After that, there were new hires, and much removed from my plate. Still overworked, but much more reasonable. Now that I think about this, I constantly worked late, and had senior managers telling me to go home months before this contract blew up. I should have listened sooner.

      You can do this. Take care of yourself first. If something happens to you, they’d have a tough time, but would figure it out. I’m sure they’d rather figure it out with you there.

      Also – you’ve got to let go of ownership: probably no one will do it as well as you do – at least initially. Let it not be your problem.

      Reply ↓
  36. Ellis Bell*

    I’m seeing a lot of words like “critical” and “crucial”, yet I’m willing to bet a lot that actual lives aren’t at risk if this work doesn’t get done. OP, you’re the only one who thinks putting your health and sanity are worth this work getting done at all costs. When a doctor eventually tells you to cut it out, (and a lot of the issues caused by burnout are irreversible conditions that you will be stuck with), will the work still be as critical as you being well? As critical as the life you missed out on? Say no, choose what you can do, stick to it. It’ll still be more than anyone else can do.

    Reply ↓
    1. Generic Name*

      Keep in mind, OP that you are doing this for the POTENTIAL of getting some stock options that MIGHT be worth a lot of money. You might not even get stock options, or if you get stock options, you might only get a few, or they might be worth not that much. I mean, based on how your company is treating you, I can see that they might decide to not offer you any or very few stock options because they’ll figure that you’ll keep doing what you’ve always been doing. My last company treated me like I didn’t matter but like I’d always be around to pick up the pieces when other people failed. I was grossly underpaid, and was not offered an ownership opportunity like others had been offered. The company was SHOCKED when I moved on.

      Reply ↓
  37. Jules the 3rd*

    OP, Alison is right on – you can and should set and hold boundaries, and push for mgmt to help solve the issues long term. Of *course* you have to manage the workload so that you can take vacations and leave at reasonable hours!

    Try this for a few months:
    Monday morning:
    – Assess tasks for that week, time they’ll take you, & priority.
    – Assume that the same amount of work, same priorities, will pop up during the week.
    – Officially, on a calendary, block of 4 – 6 hrs on Thursday for the latest deep thinking project.
    – Mentally block off 4hrs M/T/W/F to work on the top priority tasks.
    – Tell your boss on Monday what will not get done based on that 4hrs/day prioritization. Don’t tell her the hours you’re estimating, just say, “I’ve assessed my workload and I can do A, B, C. D can maybe be next week, but E, F will need to come off my plate if you really want them done.”
    – Every time a new task comes up, prioritize it relative to the existing list. Inform your manager and the requester of a *realistic* timeline.
    – On Friday, spend an hour wrapping up fires from Thu, and then leave at 5, telling people you will be out of contact. Do not answer the phone, texts, or emails. Start training them.

    Do this for 4 weeks. Then start taking a day off here and there. Cut the Th deep thought time by an hour and wrap up fires, and take the Friday off.

    Then Friday, you handle all the fires and leave, letting people know you’re disconnecting for the weekend. Don’t answer emails, calls, texts, any of it. On Monday, look at your work

    As part of the process, you may want to think about why you’re having a hard time setting and holding boundaries. Alison talks a lot about how family-of-origin or early career expectations can set you up for this kind of struggle. Do you have similar experiences outside of work? That might be something to unpack with a counselor or therapist.

    Reply ↓
  38. Throwaway Account*

    I always said to my younger coworkers who fell into this trap, pass the pain up the chain.

    If they don’t feel the pain of the problem, they won’t ever make time to fix it

    Reply ↓
  39. The Way Moira Rose Says Baby*

    I think some of the comments here are kind of harsh to OP. I have been here. When this is your company culture and/or this is your personal nature (to be a people pleaser or to not want to let people down) it is really hard to hear “just take PTO!”

    It starts off slowly. You think to yourself, “Oh, it’s only an extra 30 minutes, I can get this done.” Then you’re working an extra 30 minutes every day. So what’s an extra hour on a few evenings? Then you are working on Saturday mornings to catch up on email and you’re working Sunday evenings to get ahead for Monday. And it spirals from there.

    Some businesses will not hear “no.” Especially if your boss or others in upper management also function like this (working crazy hours, working weekends, answering email at all hours of the night), they don’t accept that you are burned out or don’t want to work like this because they don’t see what is wrong with it, or they are so committed to THE MISSION that they think the work is worth sacrificing your health and sanity.

    OP, you have to decide for yourself what is important to you and what to do next. Try Alison’s tips. If you have a normal, functional company culture and you’re able to commit to stepping back and letting some responsibilities go, you will see some improvement. But if you have people in senior positions or colleagues who can’t draw their own work/life boundaries, you may need to look for other jobs where they will respect what can be done in a 40-hour week and not an 80-hour week. My heart goes out to you. This is not easy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Statler von Waldorf*

      I disagree. I honestly think most people here are bending over backwards to avoid being harsh the OP. I haven’t commented for that very reason, as my advice would not be kind at all.

      The fact that the OP needs to own their own responsibility in enabling this situation may be hard for them to hear, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Sometimes tough love is called for, and I think that is what the OP needs here. YMMV.

      Reply ↓
    2. Elbe*

      This is a great comment. (And I love the Moira Rose reference!)

      There is likely a good reason that the LW has historically found it difficult to hold boundaries, and those reasons could be personal (discomfort with saying no, guilt, etc.) or they could be coming from the company.

      I’ve been in situations similar to the LW’s and this is what worked for me:

      1) For a company that generally treats its employees well, assume that people will be reasonable. Unless there are concrete reasons that believe that taking PTO and having normal hours would negatively affect your reputation, start with the mindset that they are trying to retain you, which includes keeping you happy with them. Most companies genuinely do not want to upset people who are critical to their business.

      2) Flag resourcing issue as early as possible and offer to work with management to get a coverage plan in place for scheduled PTO. This can help maintain the “team player” vibes, even as you’re telling them no.

      3) When flagging issues related to overwork, frame it as “how can we resolve this issue?” Clearly, the LW knows that working longer hours is one fix for the problem, but the goal is to present it like there could be other solutions. Even if they are heavily hinting that the LW should just work longer to get it done, try to get them say it outright. Putting them in a situation where they are repeatedly, consciously asking you to take on more work than your coworkers can make them confront the reality of the situation if they are ignoring it.

      4) Be very specific about what their asks are actually costing you. They may be genuinely unaware that you are working for 10-12 hours with no breaks. When they ask you to help out with something, say something along the lines of “the projects I’m already committed to take 10 hours a day to complete, so I am unable to do more.” Reasonable people will back off when they are aware that you’re already being stretched very thin.

      5) If they continue to make demands of you, even knowing that you’re working those type of hours, then you know that they are simply unreasonable people. If staying in their good graces will cost you your peace and health and happiness, then staying in their good graces is simply not an option that is on the table. Find another job, because it is 100% reasonable to decline to play a losing game.

      Reply ↓
    3. cncx*

      So much this. Also bad companies and bad managers punish any kind of boundary setting and turn it into “well you’re just a bad employee/bad at your job.” The mental load of setting a boundary and dealing with the fallout from people who expect you not to have any is hard to deal with when you’re already hanging by a thread.

      Reply ↓
  40. Goldenrod*

    I have a friend who eventually burns out from every job she gets because she…cannot…set…boundaries. She is a people pleaser who cannot ever push back or say no, which means her employers tend to love her…until she blindsides them by suddenly quitting. It’s always the same thing – they had no idea she was secretly furious, because she REFUSED to ever communicate about it or set any boundaries.

    LW, please, please, do not be like my friend. Assert your boundaries! And yes, a good boss would care and would intervene (as Alison pointed out) but there are way more bosses who are perfectly happy for you to work yourself to death.

    My friend always gives away all her power. Don’t be like my friend.

    Reply ↓
  41. Blizzard Lizard*

    In addition you should employ some strategy to how and when you say no.

    If you know you can’t do something don’t reply right away, wait a couple of days. Seems strange but this works magic. I came up with this when I was in a similar situation as you. Non-profit, salaried, and the only person who had X,Y, and Z skills. When I replied right away, without fail the requestor would push back. Sometimes even to the point of escalating it and getting my decision overturned. But if I waited two days to respond and said the exact same thing. The requestor would flat out thank me for even considering their request. Same people same requests way different results.

    Reply ↓
    1. Blizzard Lizard*

      Review your work and cut anything you are doing on inertia.

      Got a daily report that is saved to a server and you don’t even know who uses it now? Put a note on it. On [two weeks from now] I will discontinue this report. Reach out to [my name] if you use this report to discuss.

      90% of the time no one reached out to me on these. Of those 70% never answered at all and I was able to cut them. Of the 30% that reached out, I didn’t just restart. Instead I scheduled a meeting with my boss, the requestor, and invited the requestor to forward to anyone on their team.

      “Discuss future of X report”
      In the meeting background I included high level details. “In order to reduce my workload from 60hrs/week down to 45hrs/week certain tasks were cut and this was one of them. Let’s discuss how the report is used, who should own the report, and if it’s possible to cut the report altogether and get the information from alternative sources.”

      Sometimes people would reply ” No worries I spoke with my boss and I’m going to grab the number from [other source].

      Sometimes we would meet and I’d recommend other sources, the report would transition to their tr since only they used it, and rarely the report would say with me but it would only be done quarterly or yearly or however it was being used vs daily.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m going to grab the number from [other source].
        This is a good example. So often people are just using the same system that always worked before–it’s not that they thought deeply about it, just that they were told this is where they get the info. They haven’t looked for other paths because there wasn’t a pressing reason on their end to do that.

        Reply ↓
      2. A Simple Narwhal*

        This is really great. It’s so easy to keep doing something because you always have, and you never stop to go “wait, do I really need to keep doing this?”.

        Reply ↓
    2. Blizzard Lizard*

      Learn to let it go and say no.

      In my case I was definitely part of the problem. I cared about the mission to much. I was too involved in work outside my purview. And I was pleased to be relied upon and chased that dopamine.

      Once I reflected on what lead to this situation I began working on my issues that led to it in the first place. Volunteering for too many things. Believing I was the only one who could achieve great results. etc. I nipped that in the bud.

      All the prioritizing in the world is worthless if you are just going to overfill your plate again.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dinwar*

        “And I was pleased to be relied upon and chased that dopamine.”

        I think this is the part that too few people appreciate. It really IS a rush to be in a position like this. You’re one step away from disaster and working as hard as you can, and winning.

        I remember this feeling when I was a cook during a lunch or dinner rush. As long as everything went fine, it was a lot of fun! And periodically having times like this at work isn’t necessarily bad.

        The thing is, this sort of situation has to be the exception. It’s a lunch rush–then you have a slow afternoon where you prep and clean and have a break. It’s tax season–then you have two weeks off in the Bahamas and don’t even look at a calculator. The point is, it ENDS.

        And the problem is, this rush is seductive and addictive. It’s seductive, because it feels like you’re Doing The Job. Most people are good people and want to do an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay; working at 110% capacity makes you feel like you’ve earned it in a way. So you don’t complain when it becomes more and more frequent, until you realize that you’re always working 110% and have been for years, and rushes are 150% capacity. It’s addictive for the same reasons, and that addiction makes it hard to break. Once you’ve gotten used to running yourself into the ground, doing a normal workload feels sinfully lazy. You feel like you’re not REALLY earning your pay. Because your brain has been re-wired by stress to consider an insane situation normal, you no longer know what normal is.

        Makes the situation hard to deal with. Especially in the USA, with our Puritanical work ethic.

        Reply ↓
    3. Blizzard Lizard*

      Identify your problem requestor and have a gameplay ahead of time that your boss agrees with.

      For me if “Mel” asked for something then I didn’t respond and immediately forwarded to boss to handle. If Mel followed up and asked again, I’d reply, copy my boss and say something like. Sorry you haven’t heard back, Boss manages those tasks now and he should get back to you.

      Eventually, after much cajoling Mel got the picture and left me alone.

      Reply ↓
    4. Blizzard Lizard*

      Say no to meetings and ask for notes. This one was hard for me but if it wasn’t a meeting I would send a theoretical replacement too if I were leaving the org, then I didn’t really need to go. I had to just acknowledge that I didn’t need to be there. They could send me the specific tasks related to my role if it came up.

      And yes, occasionally something important to me andy team was missed. However that was rightfully seem as an issue with the meeting organizing not communicating to the stakeholders.

      In general I had I practice a lot of “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.”

      Reply ↓
    5. Blizzard Lizard*

      Accept that some people will not view you positively going forward and let it go.

      This was really hard for me. I like helping people! But the reality was that a few people were hurt worse then others by my stepping back. They were allowed to feel that way.

      Sadly, this also meant less friendly relationships with some of them. They weren’t rude but they also didn’t make a point about asking about the family you know? Then I’d here through the grapevine that they were “mad at me” or that I had “let them down”. Well it was what it was and ultimately they are responsible for making the case that the things they wanted were worth hiring. It was not my job to make their work easier.

      In short my mantra was “Sometimes you look like an AH and there is nothing you can do about it! “

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        This is a really good point. And similar to “you can’t care more about your work than your boss does.” People can’t be expected to care more about your time, your well-being and your work than you do. So feel free to prioritize yourself.

        And honestly, if someone is going to be an AH because you’re doing the same as everyone else in the workplace, they were going to be an AH for some other reason.

        Reply ↓
  42. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

    One other thing. You are what I like to call the “Bus Guy”, as in “What happens if LW gets hit by a bus?”

    Take your PTO. This will drive home the point of how much you do. You need backup, for reasons (more, actually, but two of them are more important to you than the company)

    1. You need some TIME OFF!!!!
    2. The backup person will take some of the load and stress off of you.

    Reply ↓
  43. H.Regalis*

    Like everyone else has said, you need to stand up for yourself better.

    Also, LW, you have a lot of power here! They rely on you for tons of critical stuff and you sound like an excellent worker. You can take your skills and go somewhere else. You’re not trapped here.

    Reply ↓
  44. Don’t martyr yourself!*

    Stop bailing and let the ship sink. That PTO you’ve never used needs to be cashed in pronto. Because if you don’t take a break, trust me, life will make you do so, usually at the cost of your own health. Take the training wheels off and let your managers figure out how to ride. If they’re upset at you for doing so, you need to call to their attention that anything can happen and at least you’re giving them a heads-up— sudden illness and accidents usually don’t send RSVPs and PTO requests.

    Reply ↓
  45. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

    Take a vacation asap with very little notice and 100% log off! Will some projects hit the floor, or the fan? Yup! When you return, with a tan, smile into the gnashing of teeth and say, “Imagine if I just didn’t come back from the beach. I’m not kidding about ghis not being sustainable. I am no longer single-handedly sustaining it.” Then DONT. You cant care anout them more than they care about you, and they don’t care about you. They do not value you. Believe that. They don’t. Hardball or nothing.

    Reply ↓
    2. Polly Hedron*

      Thanks for your interesting post, but I am sure you intended it for this morning’s discussion, “job candidate’s name is a slur….”

      Reply ↓
  47. English Rose*

    I had a close friend who could have written this letter. She finally managed to retire. She died two weeks later of a heart attack. It is SO not worth the cost to mental and physical health.

    Reply ↓
  48. Jane*

    Not sure where the best place to leave this feedback is, but Alison, would it be possible to have your site automatically open links in a new tab? For things like updates, comments, and third party-hosted answers, this would be really amazing. Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s considered best practice in web design not to do that since users can do it themselves — and some people hate that and so it’s better to let each person choose. But you can make links open in a new tab yourself by the way you click on it! If you want to make it open in a new window, just right-click and use the “open in new tab” option or hold Ctrl (or Cmd on a Mac) while you click. On most phones, you just hold down on the link until it gives you the option.

      Reply ↓
  49. Jenga*

    Nobody is so irreplaceable that they can’t take vacation time. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, they’d figure it out. If they decided to lay you off tomorrow, they’d figure it out. When you’re on vacation, they’ll figure it out.

    Reply ↓
  50. animaniactoo*

    As someone who has been in this position…

    let the mission critical thing fail once in awhile. “I’m sorry, I’m not available to handle that. I have too many things that are deadline critical to be able to handle that also.”

    and

    “I can handle that… but only if one of my other projects can be pushed out. Here’s what I’m working on (list) What is the priority?”

    If they tell you that it is ALL a priority and ALL must be done… that’s when you say that it can not all be handled by you and ask who you should pass what off to.

    Should you have to push back and handle that end of the thought process on load distribution to that extent? No. But the reality is that you DO. And until you do and get consistent about doing it, you will always be doing more than anyone else.

    Final note: If they refuse to prioritize for you or pass anything off, you can also 1) Ask co-workers yourself if anyone can assist with XYZ, 2) decide the priority yourself because you probably have a solid sense of what is the actual real priority, and then prioritize that and let something else go beyond deadline. Note when you turn it in that it was delayed due to needing to complete whatever the actual priority was.

    Reply ↓
    1. Kevin Sours*

      “Should you have to push back and handle that end of the thought process on load distribution to that extent? No.”

      This depends a lot on role. The flip side to having a lot of autonomy to solve problems is that people are necessarily going to keep track of your work queue for you. Particularly if you are getting projects from multiple sources.

      Reply ↓
      1. animaniactoo*

        OP has a boss. If things are not going through OP’s boss/manager, if they are not being looped in when a new thing shows up on OP’s plate… that is a critical failure point.

        Someone OTHER THAN OP should have an overview of what their workload is…. all the time.

        Reply ↓
        1. Code monkey manager*

          I don’t think this is realistic for higher level roles. My boss has a general idea for what my workload and priorities are, but it is absolutely up to me tell people whether my team can take a project this month or it’ll have to be moved to next month. If everything I do and my team does went through my boss, even at a high level, plus everything from the other four teams he’s over, he’d never do any work of his own. I’m trusted to go to him if I need help prioritizing, but if I don’t, that’s on me.

          Reply ↓
        3. Dinwar*

          A nice idea, but not always possible. Not every position has only one boss, for example. I have multiple roles in my company that have nothing to do with each other. And for a long time no one knew exactly what I did–they knew that they could say “Go do X in Y location” and if it were humanly possible it’d get done, but the details were something I handled so they didn’t need to worry about it. Which, within reason, is good; if he couldn’t trust me to do that there’d be no point in paying me.

          And this isn’t a bad situation for workers. It gives you a lot of autonomy and the ability to make a lot of decisions on your own. My boss didn’t know what I did day-to-day, so I got to make a lot of decisions. Which, again, isn’t bad within limits–as Forester said, if you want autonomy you get responsibility in equal measure.

          Like most things, when this becomes a problem is when this goes too far. It’s like bourbon–a little is good, it’s easy to go too far, and too much is really bad.

          Reply ↓
        4. HonorBox*

          While that might be ideal, it isn’t always feasible. Many bosses don’t have a specific sense of what someone’s workload is. More likely, they’re going to know if stuff is getting done.

          I think OP needs to actively bring their boss in on stuff, especially if OP is getting requests from multiple places. A weekly 15 minute 1:1 might help the boss see that the situation isn’t working. But to suggest the boss should just know this kind of stuff doesn’t work in many workplaces.

          Reply ↓
          1. animaniactoo*

            I very specifically did not suggest that the boss should just know this kind of stuff.

            “If things are not going through OP’s boss/manager, if they are not being looped in when a new thing shows up on OP’s plate… that is a critical failure point.”

            Reply ↓
              1. animaniactoo*

                Either the requestor or the LW if the requestor isn’t doing it.

                This is the setup that I have with my manager who specifically asked to be looped in because while she wants me to have a lot of autonomy and just get stuff done, she also needs to have an overview of what I am working on as she looks at what projects she wants me to work on.

                I’m not just talking out of my rear here. I am the go-to for a number of things in my team and company. My whole team was putting in work that was resulting in a bunch of overtime. My manager made sure to be keyed in so that she could do the pushing back on things that were like the last minute salesman overpromised kind of stuff. Because that’s her job as my manager, she will take the responsibility on that. Since she’s been my manager she has effectively reduced the amount of “last minute need it now” requests by at least 95%. And redirected a bunch of things back to the person doing the request “This is something your team should be handling. Why does (anyone on my team) need to take care of this?”

                But none of that happened without her paying active attention including pushing me and the rest of my team to let her know when we had stuff landing on our plates that hadn’t come from her or been cc’d to her.

                Reply ↓
                1. animaniactoo*

                  Also: We no longer spend 3-4 months of the year putting in massive amounts of extra hours because nobody was paying attention to the fact that everything everyone needed could not be completed in the 3 weeks leading up to X (several times a year).

          2. Kevin Sours*

            It not always ideal. Going through the boss means another layer of communication where things can get go wrong (or at least another hoop to jump through if you need to get boss’s permission to talk to the employee doing the work) and it adds work to boss’s plate that doesn’t necessarily have much benefit.

            It makes sense if there is a team of people where work needs to get divided up (and the work requestor shouldn’t be involved in that decisions for one reason or another) but if the employee is effectively lead on a team of one then it makes sense for them to be the one ot manage the workload.

            Reply ↓
  51. Not The Earliest Bird*

    This was me. And then I got sick, like in the hospital for a week sick, and three weeks more of recovery where my mind wasn’t all there. And the company survived. And when I came back, I had a clearer picture of work/life balance and finally had the guts to say No and mean it. I’m still with that company, I now have a cross-trained team. I was able to take a vacation and turn off my phone for a week, knowing that when I came back there would be some things I needed to fix but by all means not ALL of the things that needed to be fixed.

    Reply ↓
  52. Basketball Lesbian*

    This could have been written by me in a previous gig, and I’m willing to bet that OP will nottttt enjoy reading this response–or most of the comments. They will spend a good amount of time going line-by-line through Alison’s response to point out why each recommendation simply will not work in their situation. They could never take uninterrupted PTO, or shorten their days, or push things off to next week- other people can, but not them! The consequences are too dire!

    When I was in this situation, part of the reason why I never set those boundaries was the fear that higher-ups would punish me for it, be angry that suddenly I wasn’t making everything seamless for them. OP could be worried that, after years of springing into action and keeping things running, they’ll be punished if/when other people’s experience is made less seamless by not, say, working 10-12 hour days. That fear wouldn’t be without merit, but if it is a factor, OP needs to decide what matters more: making things easier for your workplace, or making life more enjoyable for yourself

    Reply ↓
  54. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    In addition to taking vacation you need to commit to yourself to working NO MORE than 40 hours a week for several months. Not one single solitary minute.

    You need to hard break the habit of everything being urgent. If everything is urgent than nothing is.

    Things will be rough for awhile and you will get pushback, possibly even threats but you hold the power here and you are being abused.

    Once your workload is truly balanced with the workload of other employees then you can consider an occasional emergency, but not until several months more have passed and other employees are taking their turns stepping up.

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      You’re very correct when you say “If everything is urgent, then nothing is.” I have a note on my desk that says important does not equal urgent. Something can be important, but we don’t need to treat it as urgent. Something may be important and urgent to someone else, but it doesn’t have to be urgent for you. They may not know that you have a noon today deadline, and theirs isn’t until noon tomorrow.

      Reply ↓
  55. CommanderBanana*

    I’d love to hear from anyone who has been on the other side of this – anyone been on a management team where this was happening? Why didn’t people get the resources they needed? I’ve always been curious about teams that risk high performers like this, because it seems so counterintuitive.

    Reply ↓
    1. Code monkey manager*

      It’s primarily prioritizing short term over long term gain, which is normal for people to default to even when they’re managers.

      But, honestly? It’s very, VERY rare that people who see themselves as irreplaceable are actually irreplaceable. 99 times out of 100, when someone “irreplaceable” leaves, there’s a month or three where things are in disarray and the people who are left are stressed, and then it gets figured out. So business-wise it’s rarely actually that big of a risk. Humanity and ethics-wise of course it’s cruel and managers shouldn’t do it. But it just doesn’t have as big an impact on them as “irreplaceable” employees think it will.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dinwar*

        There’s often an element of “Well *I* did it, so it’s fine!” as well. That’s what my boss said to me the first few times I brought it up. He did something similar to what I did, but whereas he did one such thing, I was doing 8 at one time (or more) plus other responsibilities. That’s what writing everything down did: Show him that I wasn’t doing what he did at my stage in my career, but rather doing what he did over the course of six years.

        And even if it was the same workload he had, I’m not him. Nor is the business environment the way it was when he was in my position. OSHA rules have shifted, and the fines have increased; quality management has increased; company policies changed. That means that it officially takes four people to do what he used to do (construction manager, quality manager, safety manager, and environmental manager). Even if I just did what he did, I’d be totally overwhelmed.

        It’s one reason I was really glad, when we got bought out, that the official policy became ” ‘We’ve always done it this way’ is not justification for anything.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Dinwar*

          I should add: I’ve made it a point to look out for and correct this as I’ve moved up the ranks. I’ve asked several people to help with it–and at least one business group is using me as leverage to emphasize this point to management. I’m 100% okay being used in this way if it prevents what I went through!

          Reply ↓
        2. Tea Monk*

          Yes people with unusually high capacity often don’t know why the rest of us are ‘ lazy ‘ I simply don’t have the ability

          Reply ↓
    2. Kevin Sours*

      Sometimes I think it’s just a communication breakdown. Manager frequently don’t remember everything that was assigned or in the case where there is a lot of daily fire fighting tasks don’t always come down properly through the chain of command. People assume that since nobody is saying anything then it’s fine.

      Reply ↓
    3. Elbe*

      I’ve seen it happen in instances where management is intentionally understaffing, but also in instances where certain roles are difficult to hire. Having a niche skill set is great for job security, but very bad for work/life balance. The LW is going to have to get comfortable making the staffing situation the company’s problem, regardless of the cause.

      Reply ↓
    4. Person from the Resume*

      Honestly, management doesn’t have to power. * I work for the federal government we’re overworked. People just retired. We got permission to replace them. As of yesterday the US federal government has a 90 day (at a minimum) hiring freeze.

      I know the LW is working for a small commercial company so they should be able hire quickly and create new positions without bureaucracy.

      It does sounds like the LW will be extremely hard to replace or hire for an assistant (jack of all trades). But this small company has options to hire people and train them to do some of the things that are primarily assigned to the LW.

      Reply ↓
  56. Aquamarine*

    I feel for the OP. I’m in a similar situation but not as extreme. Thankful management is finally acting, and I’ve been able to pull back a bit, but it’s still hard. It just crept up on me over time until it was way too much.

    Reply ↓
  57. 653-CXK*

    OP: What’s happening here is the same thing that happened to me: I accommodated everyone else but myself, and things began to fail as a result. At one point, I was burnt out and dreading work until my boss and I took a long look at what I did, and it included hiring others.

    Your bosses are happy with the status quo, and it’s high time you made them squirm and realize you carrying the back of the company is not going to be forever. They need to learn No is a complete sentence. They need to learn boundaries.

    Take the time off. If they don’t like it, it’s on them.

    Reply ↓
  58. Code monkey manager*

    While I agree with Alison and other commenters that taking your PTO (which is part of your compensation) and sticking to it, that can be very difficult to do when you need people to trust and respect you in order to do your job. In situations where outright saying no will have a worse effect than you’re willing to tolerate, the question I use a lot is “What will happen?” What will happen if that happens next week instead of this? What will happen if an undertrained coworker gives it a try and only comes to you if they have questions? And then whatever the answer is, KEEP asking what will happen. What will happen if a key filing deadline is missed? A lot of money in fines or shutting the whole business? Okay, that’s a fair reason to go outside your usual bounds. An internal deadline will be missed? Okay, what will happen if the internal deadline is moved? A customer will be angry? Okay, are there other people who can manage the customer relationship? A lot of times just asking the question will get people to realize it’s just not that important.

    But also straight up saying no will help.

    Reply ↓
  59. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Is this an old letter? I searched for it hoping for an update and didn’t find anything. I really hope this OP is okay.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      It’s a new letter. The ones published at Inc. are reprints. This one was published at New York Mag, which are always new letters.

      Reply ↓
  60. Naomi*

    OP, lots of people above have advice on how to set boundaries and regulate your workload. Those are certainly things you can try to make this job work for you.

    But I think you should also keep in mind: if you are miserable at this job, it doesn’t matter how happy other people are to work there. If you decide you want to leave, the company doesn’t need to be objectively awful for you to justify leaving.

    Reply ↓
  61. paxfelis*

    Take the time off.

    You’re going to feel guilty. You’re going to feel like you don’t know what to do with yourself, or that there’s impending doom because you’re not at work stomping out fires.

    I’ll bet good hard cash that you’re going to take at least one surprise four-hour nap because you haven’t been sleeping well. That you’re going to wake up during the night, or have bad dreams. That you’re going to have some sort of GI upset, regardless of whether it’s something you’re dealing with now.

    And that you’ll both feel invigorated at the end of the time off, and dread about picking up that load again.

    You’re supposed to work so you can live. Not live so you can work.

    Reply ↓
  62. Kay Tee*

    I worked under a manager like this when I was young. He worked himself into multiple health crises, and I had no idea how to respond. I left after a few years, in part because I couldn’t see the the point in trying to climb the ladder when that’s what was waiting for me.

    Reply ↓
  63. wear floral everyday*

    OMG are you past me from 15 years ago? Please, take this as a warning from your future self. You are going to get burnt out if you keep up with this. And it is not worth breaking your body and mind over someone else’s business and lack of structure. You sound like a decent, caring person and that is being taken advantage of. I quit that job after a decade of self-sacrifice and now I’m working part-time, with zero stress and great benefits making the same money as in my old place. I thought this was impossible back then, but that was the tunnel vision. Take it from your future self, there are better options for you out there.

    Reply ↓
  64. Raida*

    I’d go to upper management with a grim face and say my doctor has told me I need to cut back on work for my health, so I’m going to be doing 8 hours days, no weekends.

    I’m happy to start handing over responsibilities, bringing in new staff, whatever is needed to get this to work for the business’ success.

    I’m sorry, this is what I meant about a single point of failure – the business needs a full team to cover all my responsibilities. We’ve talked about it, sometimes acted on it, but now it’s going to be a reality – does anyone want to find out what happens when my 80 hours a week becomes 40? Or do we want to get the staff needed, denote them as critical to ensure they stay in this area, and avoid my work going from 80 hours to zero?

    Reply ↓
  65. Nomic*

    If you can’t take your PTO because “you’re too valuable”, the company is stealing a benefit from you. Don’t let them do that.

    Reply ↓
  66. Elbe*

    LW, have you tried feeling a little angry about this?

    Holding the line on your boundaries may be a bit easier if you acknowledged how poorly you are being treated here. Even if they are not doing it 100% intentionally, they’re overworking you to avoid having to find other solutions. They’re making it difficult for you to receive agreed upon benefits, they’re trying to take away your work-life balance, they’re forcing you to repeatedly advocate for support that they should just give to you.

    Is there some part of you that would feel a little bit smug if you took a vacation and things hit the fan while you were gone? If so, lean into that. Take a couple of sick days, grab some popcorn, and watch the Slack chat blowup while you put on your favorite movie.

    Caring is a two-way street, and your employer broke that social contract a long time ago. I’m not saying that you should be unprofessional or irate, but it’s 100% normal to feel a some negativity in times like this. The little bit of righteousness that those feelings can bring can help give you the push to hold firm to your boundaries.

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    1. Wendy Darling*

      I overworked myself so severely I developed a permanent stress-related health problem that is mildly to moderately unpleasant and inconvenient on a day to day basis, and I get to deal with it for the rest of my life. I did it because my job promised me a big promotion and a raise, which I never did get — every time I achieved what they said I needed to to get the promotion they’d move the goalposts just a little more.

      After a year of that I got fed up and my perspective shifted from “I just need to keep working extra hard for a little bit longer” to “fuck this, fuck you, fuck your company, you’re never giving me anything, the only way I’m getting more money is if I move to a different job, and I’m offended that I ever fell for your crap.” I stopped working when I hit 40 hours. I started looking for other jobs. My manager asked me to take on an extra responsibility and I told her sorry, I didn’t have time, but we could discuss it again once I got promoted. My reviews started pointing out that I was “holding back” and “not taking ownership”, and I told them I had worked two levels above my title/pay for over a year and got nothing in return, so this is what they got with my current title/pay. The company did not collapse. They didn’t even discipline me beyond my manager occasionally making disappointed noises.

      After a few months of job searching I got a new job that paid $40k more and didn’t involve a bunch of aspects of the previous job I disliked. My manager somehow managed to be startled when I gave notice.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elbe*

        My manager somehow managed to be startled when I gave notice.
        This is always the case, isn’t it? Good for you on getting out of there!

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  67. the turtle discos*

    Please take a moment, maybe a week or so, to think seriously about what it would look like if you quit this job. Not for the job — FOR YOU. Are there other jobs in your field and your location? Is the pay PER HOUR WORKED commensurate? For instance, if you’re getting 100K now but putting in 80 hour weeks… your pay per hour is not as high as it could be; and if you really do need that 100K paycheck and the only other jobs in your field are 80K, consider what you might be able to make up through contracting or something else in the legions of time you will not be at work.

    Are there ways to fix this without finding another job? It’s possible. It will take a lot of pushing back on your part, and a lot of inertia to pile through; your job is used to you doing things a certain way. You suddenly trying to change things on them may backfire on you. It’s possible that they’ll hire 3 more people to help you out in your job— or it’s possible that you quit and they replace you with 10 people. Or they don’t replace you at all, because it’s a hiring freeze. You don’t know.

    Please please please ignore everything you ever heard about stock options. Treat stock options as if they do not exist until the moment are you able to turn it into actualfax money.

    But please consider quitting. That may be the only way to reset your mind for what is normal in a job and what is possible for you to accomplish and still maintain your ability to be yourself.

    Reply ↓
    1. the turtle discos*

      Also: if they fired you right now, what would your reaction be? Would you be devastated? Or would you be relieved to never have to work there again and deal with your workload and the expectations?

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Treat stock options as if they do not exist until the moment you are able to turn it into actualfax money.
      I really want to drive this home. This is a dice roll–something that has a small chance of panning out, and will be great if it does. But in no way should your day-to-day decisions be based on how if, on 8/17/32, you roll 4 dice and they all come up 6, then you will win a generous cash prize. The odds are that you will not.

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  68. Aerin*

    I’m getting very strong flashbacks to the one LW who was bewildered at how people managed to deal with the crushing guilt that comes from taking time off work. And the answer there was the same as here: sweetie, other people aren’t feeling that, because you have a deference to your job that is unhealthy. It’s almost certainly behavior you learned at some point for what was then a very good reason, but you need to unlearn that behavior now before it leads you off a cliff.

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  69. Wendy Darling*

    I have a teammate who works like this. He’s great, but he has no boundaries regarding work-life balance.

    In addition to being rough for him, it actually stinks for the rest of the team because he’s basically broken the curve. He and I are both high performers but I have very strict boundaries about work-life balance and acceptable workload. When you’ve got one person working 60 hours a week and another working 40, the person working 40 hours a week looks like a bit of a slacker in comparison.

    He’s set the bar for performance so high that no one else on the team can keep up unless they also decide to burn the candle at both ends, and it stinks. I know I’m never going to get top marks on a review unless I throw work-life balance under the bus or switch teams.

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  71. Overworked*

    “Most people don’t just take as much work as gets thrown at them and figure they have to get it all done, no matter how impossible.”

    I really needed to hear this today, thank you so much!

    I have always thought you did not have a choice and must somehow someway get it all done if your employer assigned it. Maybe I can make some positive changes now too. (US, professional job)

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  73. It's Marie - Not Maria*

    Sounds like where I work. I am a HR Director, and of course it falls on my Team (read ME) to make sure Holiday Pay is correctly allocated. And of course, it is also my Team’s responsibility to make sure all timecards are approved early as possible on Holiday Payroll Weeks with condensed processing schedules – because we don’t trust our Team Leads and Managers to accurately approve timecards for their teams (can we say pencil whip in a company that has astronomical amounts of time theft?) I am not going to put that burden on my Team Members, so I am the one working on Holidays, on weekends and in the evenings to make sure everyone is paid correctly. If I am lucky, I can convince my boss to credit me with some PTO. Mind you, I am the highest paid person in the company outside of C Suite, so of course it makes sense to have me doing these tasks.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lusara*

      So stop doing those tasks. Tell your boss or whoever that you don’t have time to approve the timecards so the team leads and managers need to do it, and if they don’t, people won’t get paid. If they call your bluff, then people don’t get paid.

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  75. NZReb*

    OP, I just want to say that it’s actually possible to stop doing things when there’s no-one else to do them. I’ve done it a few times.

    The trick is to stop as far in advance of deadlines as you can (so there’s time for someone else to come out of the woodwork), be available to answer questions, and then stick to your guns and just stop doing the thing. DON’T wait for someone else to be appointed to take over first – because they won’t be – just stop.

    The times I’ve done this, no-one else took over until *after* I stopped doing the thing, which was quite disconcerting. But people did take over after I stopped. It was emotionally hard to do this the first couple of times, but then I started to believe other people *will* step up for mission-critical stuff. I just had to actually stop doing the mission-critical thing myself first.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lusara*

      OP, what would happen if you got hit by a bus? They would figure it out. So go on vacation and pretend you got hit by a bus and let them figure it out.

      Reply ↓
  76. Notbot*

    Arg, sounds like what I deal with at work except 10 times worse. Only dealing with a fraction of what OP is stressing me out, I can’t imagine how run down and physically impacted OP must be at this point.

    Godspeed OP! Hope you get that R&R ASAP!

    Reply ↓

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