my coworker keeps demanding I say “please”

by Alison Green on January 20, 2025

I’m off for the holiday, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2018.

A reader writes:

I have a problem with a coworker and have been hesitant to send this to you as it seems petty but it has been bugging me for awhile. It started as a pet peeve but has moved into something bigger the more she does it. This coworker, I’ll call her Eleanor, demands you say “please” whenever someone asks her to do anything work related. Some examples would be as follows:

“Eleanor, can you email me those forecasts for next quarter so I can get this project to our boss?”
“Only if you say please.”

“Eleanor, can I call you about this crisis so we can work out a plan of action?”
“Only if you say please.”

Generally I do say please, but on those occasions I forget I don’t want to be talked to like a three-year-old. This feels like a silly power play and it is a game I don’t want to play. She even does this to her boss! Another concern is that she is doing this to our customers and I feel like this does damage to our reputation and makes us seem difficult to work with.

How do I respond when Eleanor says this to me without being rude (and without playing her game)? Is it that big of a deal that she is doing this to our customers as well? Should I just let that go?

That’s incredibly obnoxious. “Only if you say please” is a statement that’s really only okay for a parent to say to a child, in the process of teaching said child manners. It’s not okay to chastise other adults with it, and it’s definitely not okay to say it repeatedly in a work context. (Once or twice as a joke is a different thing.)

If Eleanor feels she’s not spoken to with sufficient courtesy, that’s something she can address with people — but this isn’t the way to do it. And I doubt that’s what this is about anyway. This sounds more like she seized on this as a cutesy response or is, as you suggest, a power play. Or maybe it’s become a tic and she barely realizes how often she does it. But regardless, it’s inappropriate and annoying.

Your options:

1. Just make a point of saying “please” whenever you ask her for anything so that you short-circuit the annoyance. This feels like giving in, but it might be the most direct route to not having to deal with it … although it doesn’t solve the problem of her doing it to customers.

2. Tell her to cut it out: “Eleanor, we’re all adults here, and constantly responding that way is slowing things down and frankly coming across differently than you probably intend for it to. Could you stop?” (But if she responds to that with “only if you say please,” you have my blessing to make a voodoo doll of her and ritually destroy it.)

3. Tell her to cut it out, option 2: “If you feel I’m not treating you with sufficient respect, I’d certainly want to know about it, but I’d like respect back from you as well — so I’m asking you not to chastise me this way every time I need something from you.”

4. Ask your boss to tell her to cut it out: “Could you ask Eleanor to cut out the ‘only if you say please’ stuff? It was irritating enough when it was her constant refrain with just us, but she’s now saying it to customers, and I’ve got to think it’s putting them off.” (This is the kind of thing that some bosses would gladly handle and others would want you to handle yourself, so you’ve got to know your boss for this one.)

Also, I guarantee you that Eleanor is annoying the crap out of everyone in her family.

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{ 178 comments }

{ 178 comments… read them below }

  1. Mostly Managing*

    Good grief!
    Eleanor, please could you please develop some sense of what is normal please?

    I sat in a meeting at work today. I don’t think any of us said please. There was a lot of “Could you look into X and Y, and I”ll explore Z?” with some “Actually, I already know Y but someone needs to look at Q – who has time?”
    It was polite, it was courteous, they are a great bunch of people to work with.

    (I’d be going straight to the boss, because she’s doing it to customers as well and there’s no way that’s ok even if the customers are all kids!)

    1. Strive to Excel*

      If you’re making requests of a person 10+ times a day – or 5+ times an hour – “please” just starts taking up space!

      It’s good to use if you’re asking something unusual of a coworker or employee, but not on a regular basis.

      1. Dinwar*

        That’s how I’ve seen “please” used–as a way to signal that the asker knows this is a big ask, and that it’s going to be a royal pain, and they actually appreciate the effort. Or as a way to emphasize that it needs to be done regardless of how inconvenient it is.

        The use of “please” in a general, normal request is just…weird. It’s far too repetitive.

      2. Paulina*

        I tend to say “please” in passing as part of a request (“can you please…”), but even I don’t use it all the time when making requests at work. These are work duties, not favours. And yes, not unusual things. OP doesn’t seem to be asking Eleanor to go above and beyond her responsibilities, so making doing it conditional on “please” neans that Eleanor is essentially refusing to do her job.

        1. Observer*

          o making doing it conditional on “please” neans that Eleanor is essentially refusing to do her job.

          Yes. She’s refusing to do her job. That’s nuts. And it’s even worse that she is doing in to *customers*.

            1. Kevin Sours*

              The only circumstance were I can imagine it being acceptable is a waitress in a certain sort of diner addressing a regular patron.

      3. Spiritbrand*

        The only time in my past when I was annoyed people didn’t say please and thank you more was when I was unhappy with my job.

    2. Ophelia*

      Yes! “Could you ____” is recognized as a polite way to make a request! I absolutely might add a please (or some additional rationale, or even “I realize this is an unusual request and would be grateful if you could prioritize it” or whatever) for something out of the ordinary, but “hey Coworker, could you get me the Llama File” is completely fine and professional.

    3. tina turner*

      I’d let her know that if she refuses to do her job, there will be consequences. She’ll be reported to her mgr. for refusing to do her job so that others can do theirs.
      “She refused to give me the data I needed and it happens a lot.” You don’t have to talk about “please” until mgr. pins you down on her reason. Leave it till the end, and focus on her being “uncooperative.” That’s the crux of it, no matter her excuse.

      1. MM*

        Obviously this is an old letter and LW isn’t taking advice here now, but for the benefit of the general public: my god, this is terrible advice. This is the behavior that gets you written *about* on AAM.

        Just be up front about what’s going on rather than going for a cutesy reveal that’s likely to make it seem like you’re presenting a slanted version of events (because you are) or overescalating a minor interpersonal matter (because you haven’t explained why formalities are becoming a big deal). If you tell a boss that a colleague is refusing to do their work, they are going to think that means that the colleague has not delivered and/or has refused point blank. When the “please” part comes out, then the boss will reasonably view you as exaggerating at best, lying at worst. The reason to lead with the “please” business is because that is what she is actually doing, and you can illustrate why it’s a serious problem.

          1. Carol the happy*

            Thank you for that observation; leaving out the lede would be disingenuous (and risky- since it makes you seem like an equally controlling jerk. After all, who’s rude enough to feel that the simple “Magic Word” is too much effort for them?)

            Eleanor IS a controlling jerk, so what I’d do is enlist a couple of coworkers to politely ask her for something without “Please”- WITH A MANAGER PRESENT. Then have the manager ask Eleanor for something, everybody politely making normal requests of her, but nobody using the Magic Word.

            When she pulls her cutesy controlling jerk demand, look at the manager (whose jaw will probably be getting rug burn) and just say, “When she does this to customers, they feel it’s invalidating and insulting. She likes getting power and making people feel belittled, or she won’t do her job. When she does this to coworkers, it’s entitled and demeaning, because we ARE polite adults, and she’s not a kindergarten teacher or playground monitor!”

            If I politely request something and the worker demands a Please, I would say, “Pretty Please with a cherry on top, would you call your supervisor so I can get what I’m already paying for?

    4. Lacey*

      Yeah, I rarely use the word “please” in the work place and neither do my coworkers.

      Like, sometimes, but all it is, honestly, is an indicator that we’re making a request.
      During a work project things aren’t usually requests as much as they are passing on information.

      “We need 10 signs saying X, Y, & Z”

      No one needs to say “please”
      Their job was to collect information about the signs, mine is to make the signs.

      They’d be more likely to do it if it’s personal to them, “Can you please let me know when the signs are finished?”

      1. Strive to Excel*

        Oddly enough, I find myself using ‘Thank you’ a lot when coworkers let me know their stage of a task is done, even when I don’t use please! I suspect because it works well as a loop-closer. “Thank You” also serves the purpose of “yup, I got it and will need no more input, you can check this task off your list”.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I was literally thinking this exact thing. I say thank you easily twice as much as I say please.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      If I was a parent and somebody said this to my kid I would be livid. Not in a “nobody talks to precious little Tiffany that way!” sense, but in a “wow, you missed Stay In Your Lane Day during training.”

      The only people who should say this are parents, daycare workers, and teachers. And yes, it’s totally a power play. If somebody said this to me at my job I would be so taken aback I don’t know how I’d respond.

      1. Inkognyto*

        Ignore it and ask again. When the manager asks where the information for Xreport was. State you asked for it twice and the person didn’t do their job.

        You asked, the fact they refused the request with a conditional on ‘wording’ is on them.

        Most manager’s I know would go back to the person and ask them why. If they tried a power play with the “Please wasn’t said and you need to ask”.
        They’d be looking for employment.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Seriously.

        Eleanor is a patronizing jerk. My resistance to my native tendency to snark would be rapidly worn down by that shit.

        “Only if you say ‘please'”
        “So that’s a ‘no’ then…”

    2. higheredalumna*

      Eh, I’d do #3, then #4 so I could say I asked her and couched it in professional terms.

      1. higheredalumna*

        Or maybe do the quizzical, What an odd thing to say to a colleague who made an otherwise polite, professional, respectful request.

    3. iglwif*

      Yeah, that is absolutely not okay. I mean, annoying your colleagues several times a day is Not Good, but regularly being a condescending jerk to customers is Super Duper Not Good.

  3. JP*

    Is she holding firm on the saying please thing? Like, if you were just to laugh and not say it, would she refuse to do what she’s being asked? I could see some of my coworkers saying it jokingly, I guess, but actually forcing a follow through on the please seems pretty wild.

    1. OregonGirl*

      I agree with you. I think a blank stare with a confused head tilt would be an appropriate response. If this is happening over chat or email, just ignore and refuse to acknowledge. She is being asinine.

      1. Jeneral*

        I really like this as another option besides the ones Allison laid out. If the ball gets dropped in Eleanor’s court, is she really going to try to excuse herself with, “I didn’t complete OP’s request because she didn’t say please”?

    2. Saturday*

      I had the same thought. I could definitely see my coworker saying this and expecting it to sound funny/cute. Really annoying though.

  4. Dinwar*

    Everything you said is polite. You said what you need and why. The word “please” is not a magical incantation that makes the statement polite. In fact, demanding people use the word is itself impolite, and a failure to understand how English works. You’re not asking for a favor, you’re making a work request. The word “please” has never been required for this, at least not since the 1600s (letters prior to that were extremely formulaic).

    Internally I would return rudeness to sender. I’d either stare at them blankly, in my best “What on Earth was that all about?” face, or would flat-out say “We’re all adults here.” If I was their boss I would be livid; it demonstrates a profound lack of respect and a complete failure to understand our relationship.

    If she’s saying this to customers it needs to stop like now. Being this rude to customers will absolutely harm your business.

    1. Required*

      Honestly, I feel like adding in “Please” to the examples provided makes it sound more passive aggressive and rude. For example:

      “Eleanor, can you please email me those forecasts for next quarter so I can get this project to our boss?”

      or

      ““Eleanor, can you email me those forecasts for next quarter so I can get this project to our boss, please?”

      They both sound like you’re just done with the person you’re talking to.

      1. KateM*

        You could definitely try saying these with that “please” at the end while sounding like you’re totally done with Eleanor and see if she dares to complain or not.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        ‘Please’ makes it sound more like an order to me. A polite order, but an order nonetheless. If I was asking a favor or making a work request of a peer, I’d use other phrasing. I’d say, “Can you please clean up your toys” to my small nephew, or “Please stop doing that,” to someone who was kicking the back of my seat.

        1. Melody Powers*

          Yeah I sometimes feel awkward about the idea of saying please because it feels presumptuous after all the times I’ve heard it used to soften an order rather than make a request.

        2. londonedit*

          Yep, I agree. I’m British and adding ‘please’ definitely makes it sound like more of an order, and it runs the risk of sounding passive-aggressive or patronising. I would use ‘Could you…’ or ‘Would you mind…’, both of which are polite ways of asking for something. ‘Please send me the latest proofs’ sounds, counterintuitively, ruder (like I’m being ‘short’ and snippy with someone) than ‘Would you mind sending me the latest proofs?’ or ‘Could you send me the latest proofs when you get a chance? Thanks!’

        3. amoeba*

          Yup, that’s what it feels like to me as well. It’s interesting because I realised this is why I pretty much never use “please” at work – it just feels *less* polite, at least in German! I do soften my asks quite a bit, but it’s always with “could you” or even “could you maybe” (when it’s actually optional) or whatever. Never “Can you please”.

          Funnily enough, here in Switzerland, they don’t even say ” a coffee please” so much (which would be considered very normal in Germany), but rather use a version of “I’d like…” I asked a Swiss friend and he said “please” sounded like a demand and impolite to his ears…

          1. Sparky*

            Yeah, I feel like “bitte” feels even more forceful than “please” in a lot of contexts. But I’m a non-native speaker, so it’d hard to say whether that impression is accurate or just because I’ve had too much exposure to the Berliner Schnauze.

      3. Saturday*

        That’s so interesting to me. Those sentences seem perfectly nice to me (assuming they’re not said in an exasperated voice). I hope my pleases aren’t being taken the wrong way.

        1. Part time lab tech*

          Cultural differences. English is not the same everywhere. According to my husband, please and thankyou are subservient (begging) and his mother tongues (Hindi and Marathi) don’t have an equivalent. He is suspicious that customer service is being sarcastic and insincere (he has told me this more than once). I believe they do have a respectful and familiar phrasing.
          Men in particular rarely use a questioning end tone and wonder why people might think they are ordering them around all the time.
          In Perth, we thank bus drivers as we tag off and that sentence seems friendly polite to me too.

        2. Cait*

          I read somewhere that a cashier got a complaint filed about them from a customer who didn’t like how they said, “No problem!” when that customer thanked them. The customer thought the response should’ve been “You’re welcome” and took umbrage when that wasn’t what they got.

          I understand that colloquialisms can sometimes cause miscommunication issues but this just seemed ridiculous to me. Context is important and I can’t imagine someone would take issue with a “please” (or lack thereof) unless they were looking for something to be upset about.

          1. dz*

            I ran into this in high school (25 years ago) when I was seated at a dinner event with adults I didn’t know. for the life of me I can’t remember the context, maybe a wedding? anyway, a man asked me to pass him the salt, he said thanks, I said no problem, and he went on a whole rant about how Yankees were so rude for saying no problem instead of you’re welcome. he definitely perceived it as a Yankee thing. (We were in New England and he had a Southern accent.) The irony is he was actually the rude one for publicly chastising me, a teen girl.

    2. Pretty please with cherries on top*

      Was wondering how long it would take for someone to point out that ‘normal’ use of please/thankyou is a cultural difference to the extent of literal opposites being considered polite/rude in different geographic areas. Not a global monolith.
      Yes, absolutely her response is obnoxious, and as the one who is out of sync with local linguistic norms it’s on her to adjust, not everyone else. But why not frame it that way?
      (I grew up in a please-is-polite part of the world, and automatically tack it onto most requests like punctuation, but try to remember not to do that when in the US as I know you mostly don’t like it.)

      1. Bird names*

        Yeah, pretty much all of this. In a past situation that required a lot of cross-cultural communication for a while, we even had an explicit initial talk about that along the lines of:
        “Going forward you will talk to people with completely different cultural norms than your own. Assume good faith and ask clarifying questions before you assume ill intent.”* Most of us were pretty good about that and a ton of potential conflicts got resolved before they even started. I was certainly glad for the lesson.

        *They went over this in a lot more depth of course, to give us a better idea with several examples added.

      2. Claire*

        Hmm, strange. I’ve had people from other parts of the world comment to me about how much Americans say please and thank you. I’m American and I do think we say it a lot. What have you the idea that we don’t like it?

    3. I&I*

      I think this is crucial to why Eleanor’s cutesy little habit has nothing to do with politeness.

      Functionally the LW has been perfectly polite, and it seems unlikely that Eleanor doesn’t know this. LW puts their finger on it: it’s a power play. She’s building it up so anything she does for you is a favour, but what she wants you to do for her is an obligation.

      Translated, Eleanor is saying, ‘I’m not going to take any requests from you until I’ve made you take an order from me first. Also I’m going to make the question “How am I going to handle Eleanor?” way more important to you than it needs to be.’

      1. Ace in the Hole*

        Reading the lettter, I’m not clear if it’s even meant seriously. My assumption was that she’s saying it as a joke and doesn’t realize how off-putting it is when she says it so frequently. Because this is exactly the sort of thing that would be fine if she only said it once in a while and it was clear in contex she was joking.

        Obviously that theory doesn’t hold up if she actually refuses to comply until the other person says “please.”

        1. I&I*

          I can’t see it that way because she’s doing it ‘whenever someone asks her’. That’s imposing a rule on everyone, not a passing joke.

          As to whether she refuses to comply – in practice I suspect that’s less important than it seems, because how often is someone actually going to say, ‘No, I’m not going to say please’? Very rarely, I think: there’s a big social taboo against it, and being spoken to the way Eleanor speaks to people is likely to throw people off-balance too much to come up with an office-acceptable way to refuse. Very few of us can think of a good response on the fly to something like that.

          Saying ‘please’ is the fastest way out of a situation she just made very uncomfortable. And if a co-worker said, ‘No, I won’t,’ isn’t it more likely that they’ll be the ones who get in trouble for ‘causing a problem over something petty’?

          That’s why I see it as a power play. (As well as the LW thinking so, being that the LW is the witness.) It’s probably not a literal refusal, but what it *is* is a kind of dare: I’ve suddenly escalated a normal interaction to a conflict of wills, are you really going to escalate further?

  5. Mirea*

    I wonder how she would react if you said “Never mind”. Done with the right tone and expression (bit of a rueful smile), as you walk away to find someone who can help you…

    Depending on your needs, your workplace culture, and if you’re willing to go there, a refusal to play that game in the moment, could send the message. It might not be a workable solution but maybe an occasion will present itself.

    3. Yvette*

      Yes, but then she gets out of having to do whatever it is she was being asked to do in the first place, so win for her.

      1. Overthinking It*

        i don’t think she is trying to get out of work, or even trying to present it as an imposition. I think it’s more: “you made a mistake” . . . maybe with a side of “you are NOT better than me.”

    4. Ellie*

      ‘Never mind, I’ll just do it myself’, said in a certain tone, might clue her in to how inappropriate she’s being.

  6. RainyBikeCommuter*

    Oh boy, I would be tempted with some malicious compliance and/or directly calling this out.

    “Eleanor, can you PLEASE stop saying that all the time. Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

    “Hi Eleanor, can you please do xyz and please have it done by Friday. Please and thank you!”

    ” oh shoot did I forget to say please please please please first?”

    1. 653-CXK*

      I am grinning from ear to ear on this bit of malicious compliance. Do it early and often and she may get the message.

    2. Hush42*

      This was my first thought as well. I would start cramming in as many pleases as I could to every conversation with her. “Hi Eleanor, please could you help me with this issue I need help on please. I need you to please do X by Y date please. Please get back to me ASAP pretty please”

  7. Lucy P*

    I do believe in saying please and thank you in the workplace and generally try to use the words. If you’re asking for a favor, asking them to go over and above what they’d normally do, or asking them to drop everything to help with something, then please is warranted.

    However, if you’re asking someone to do their job, the thing that they’re paid to do, the whole reason they work with you in the first place, it’s really not required nor should you be forced to say it in order to get someone to do their assigned work.

    1. Dinwar*

      There’s a difference between someone personally opting to use the terms themselves, and someone condescendingly demanding that their coworker does so, though. You can’t hold a work process hostage over a grammatical idiosyncrasy. Especially not when the person talking to you is your boss (!!) or clients (!!!!).

      Further, politeness is more than just using “please” and “thank you”. And the words can be incredibly rude. To fixate on those words robs you of the rich tapestry that English provides, and hinders understanding how others communicate. I’m not saying you do this, but Eleanor absolutely is doing this. If she were the boss this would be annoying but typical; the boss gets to make decisions like this. As a coworker, it’s condescending, a super-weird power-play (makes me wonder if there’s a significant age difference at play), and inherently rude. (Yes, politeness can be rude. Etiquette is complicated and English is weird.)

      “Thank you” is more useful than “please” in my experience. “Thank you” functions as an acknowledgement that you received the thing and the loop is closed. It’s a signal that I’m now taking ownership of the thing, and you’re no longer responsible for it. Not saying “Thank you” leaves the status of the thing in limbo; you’re not sure if I received it or not. That utility justifies the repetition.

      1. I Have RBF*

        One assistant I had was taken a bit aback by how much I used ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. He said it was his job, and I said “Yes, but I still appreciate it.”

        IOTW, no, I didn’t have to say all the please and thank you, but that’s how I closed the loop between asking and completion.

        But if someone demanded that I do it? I wouldn’t, because I’m contrarian.

    2. Spencer Hastings*

      I actually think that the unusual request makes it less likely that I would use “please”. For example:

      “Hi Jane, I know this is short notice, but is there any chance that you could review this TPS report for me by Friday? It would really help me, but I totally understand if it’s not possible.”

      It’s hard to find a place for “please” here because of the sentence structure (“is there any chance that you could please review this…” just doesn’t sound right).

      Something more routine is easier to add “please” to, e.g. “Please let me know if there are any updates you’d like me to make to Document X.”

      2. londonedit*

        Yep, same. I tend to use ‘Please do…’ if I’m emailing an author – ‘Please do let me know if you have any questions’ – but for the actual request I’d say ‘Could you review the attached proofs and let me have any further corrections by Wednesday next week?’ I could theoretically say ‘Could you please’, but I’d steer clear because I think it can come across as ordering them to do something.

  8. Royale with Cheese*

    I would be tempted to respond Winston Wolf style, “Pretty please, with sugar on top, send the f’ing reports.”

  10. Monkey*

    Eleanor, provide the reports as asked. Otherwise I will be PLEASED to discuss with your manager your unwillingness to perform your duties.

  11. Off Plumb*

    Anyone else watch Homicide: Life on the Street?

    “You never say please. You never say thank you.”
    “Please don’t be an idiot. Thank you.”

    1. Vio*

      I’d forgotten that quote but loved the deadpan humour of the show and especially Pembleton. Was good to see the actor playing a similar character in Brooklyn 99 too.

    2. Mentally Spicy*

      I think that the only response from the letter writer on the original post was this:

      “She doesn’t have small children that I know of. She says this over IM and in person and in person it is kind of in an up talky way. I have tried several methods including ignoring the please request and she will come back with things like “ well you didn’t say please so I guess you didn’t want my help” or something along those lines.”

      1. Mentally Spicy*

        “well you didn’t say please so I guess you didn’t want my help” is like an extra icing of obnoxious on the obnoxious cake.

        3. Ellie*

          Yeah, I’d be tempted to double down on that one. “I don’t want your help because you’re being an ass about it’, or, “I found someone else who actually does their job, so I’m good” is probably a step too far, but I’d be tempted to say something.

      2. Dinwar*

        This moves it from an issue of etiquette to a power-play.

        First time she pulled that on me I’d have her off my team. You just can’t have someone on your team that is going to hold the work hostage until you play by their rules. That puts everyone at risk–missed deadlines, blown budgets, the works. She’s too much of a risk.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        How on earth did this colleague get away with this? How could her own boss be aware that she was doing this not only with colleagues but with clients and allow it to continue?

      5. Sydney Ellen Wade*

        The OP’s other comment was:

        “She is at my level. She does also say things like “Well since you said please I guess I have to do it” and things like that. Like I said I do say please in general but it is the times I forget she does this and even when you do say it she has to bring it up. It’s tiresome.”

        So you really can’t win.

        1. I Have RBF*

          If I was her boss I wouldn’t be for long. That’s just obnoxious and a pretty rude and infantilizing power play.

          1. Dancing Otter*

            Yes, were I her boss, my reply would be (a) to explain I wasn’t asking her, but telling her to do it; and if she tried to pull that again, (b) to ask if she were refusing a direct order. Depending how she responded, we might continue with a discussion of whether she was happy in her current employment.
            I think I might draft a written reprimand and PIP to have ready in advance of a second incident, actually. To colleagues, it’s unprofessional, but to her boss, it’s outright insubordination.

        2. Elsa*

          Hm, I wonder if there’s a way to win at this stupid game. Like what if OP said: “Please stop discussing whether I say please or not.” Would she have to do it then because OP said please?

        3. Maxie's Mommy*

          The only thing I can think of is, “Eleanor, would you pleeeease stop being such a brat??”

      6. iglwif*

        The most recent (I think) episode of the podcast Lingthusiasm is about politeness in different languages and cultures, and at one point they talk about how we emphasize the importance of “please” to children ENORMOUSLY more than we would typically care about them with other adults. Because there are many different ways of asking for something politely, but “please” is the most straightforward one to teach to children.

        So that probably means that most of us raised in English-speaking homes grew up hearing “say please!” and “what’s the magic word?” and similar, but haven’t had anyone say those things to us for decades … which means Eleanor sounds condescending and like someone’s elderly aunt, whether or not she means to.

        1. iglwif*

          … after reading these comments from the OP, I have decided she absolutely means to, and is enjoying it for some reason. Eleanor is a big ol’ jerk.

        2. londonedit*

          Yeah, definitely. I think we emphasise ‘please’ with small children because their natural instinct is just to say ‘I want a banana’ or ‘Give me a banana’, which sound very impolite, and no one wants their child to be the one yelling GIVE ME A BANANA across the supermarket. So we teach them to say ‘Please may I have a banana’ or ‘Please can you get me a banana’ or whatever. But in the adult world, especially when you’re around peers, ‘please’ sounds very odd because it sets up that parent/child dynamic, or it makes it feel like one person has more power over the other.

          1. amoeba*

            TBH, even most of my friends who have small kids don’t do that anymore, they seem to be more about teaching politeness by example and don’t really appreciate the forced “you have to say please/thank you” school of education! And they’d definitely be annoyed if a stranger told that to their children (pretty sure I would be too, if I had any).

            1. iglwif*

              My child is now in her 20s so I may be out of step with how we are parenting these days :) Even 20 years ago I wouldn’t have said “not unless you say please” of course — more like “Can you use your polite words?” or “OK, and how do we ask kindly?” or “Would you like to try that again?” (Any of which, again, would sound HELLA condescending and passive-aggressive if directed towards another adult.)

              But I would absolutely have been annoyed if a stranger behaved towards my kid the way Eleanor is behaving!!!

              1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

                This. When my son demands something (“I want milk”) I just come back and say “but how do you ask for it?” I generally mean with a ‘please’, but if the request is respectful (“Mama, may I have some milk?”) I’ll provide it. If he’s talking to his grandparents, however, the ‘please’ is required of him. But even then it is reminded by “Can you restate that?” or “what word do we need for grandma?”

                1. Fanny Price*

                  In my household, the response to, “I want milk,” was, “That’s interesting.” I would always accept, “Could I have some milk,” in a polite tone, though.

                2. iglwif*

                  Yeah. It’s not that we don’t want our kids to be polite, but more that holding out for a specific stock phrase is … perhaps not as helpful in teaching politeness as some folks might imagine.

  13. Richard Hershberger*

    This looks to me to be a variant of the “One True Polite Formula” language peeve. We see these letters to advice columnists, complaining that waitstaff responded to “Thank you” with “No problem!” rather than “You are welcome.” These people need to get over themselves. Even taken on its own terms, the polite set formula changes over time and space. “No problem” is substantively the same as “Not at all.” “Not at all” would sound artificial and stilted in a modern American context, where “No problem” sounds like an actual person actually talking. I suspect that is the objection.

    1. A. Lab Rabbit*

      These people need to get over themselves.

      +1000% — By and large, these people tend to be insufferable.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      Yeah I tend to see this as a super faux pas from people who think they’ve identified a faux pas themselves. As this is probably hurting Eleanor’s reputation just as much as it is annoying others , I’d just go ahead and tell her she’s got it slightly wrong and it’s not a great look. Something like “When you insist on getting a ‘please’ for things like work requests, is that like a jokey response, or are you really saying that you need people to say please every time?” If it’s a joke, I’d say”Oh then you probably want to know that it’s coming across as serious, and I think you probably don’t want that: especially with the boss and customers!” If she’s seriously trying to remind people to say ‘please’ interminably, I’d say “Okay, I think you’re getting mixed up between basic work stuff and actual favours. Since we are just passing work instructions to each other , I’m not going to say please absolutely every time. Also, if you want some free advice, it will come across as more helpful to the boss and the customers, if you stop making them say please too”.

    3. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      100% agree.

      What’s polite varies. In my family’s culture (East Asian*), I was taught that politeness is:

      -Being formal with elders, strangers, and people “higher” in the hierarchy (i.e., officials).
      -Being INFORMAL with people you’re close with (i.e., family) and your peers.

      So I would get scolded if I used overly used “please” and “thank you” with my parents, since it’s a bit of an insult: It insinuates that they need to be handled with care and distance or that I’m angry at them, so inserting distance. Given that the LW is a peer, being so formal could be considered rude in my read.

      *I’d guess different East Asian cultures will have different guidelines, but that’s how my family taught me.

    4. iglwif*

      This can be regional as well as generational. My mom spent some time in South Africa years ago, and she was chastised for saying “You’re welcome” because English-speaking South Africans say “A pleasure” instead.

      I personally feel that all of them are perfectly polite and complaining about someone choosing one over the other is obnoxious.

  14. A. Lab Rabbit*

    If I were Eleanor’s manager, I would definitely want to know about this and I would definitely put a stop to it. The fact that she does this to her boss and that her boss tolerates it is just bizarre to me. A real lack of effective management here.

    I wonder what other performance issues Eleanor is having.

    1. Observer*

      Very much this. The situation is as much a Boss problem as a coworker problem. And I would think that the manager also probably has some performance issues.

  15. Sparky*

    This reminds me of a blog post by a linguist I’ve read about differing usage of “please” between the US and UK (in this case mostly looking specifically at using it in restaurants): https://separatedbyacommonlanguage.blogspot.com/2012/08/saying-please-in-restaurants.html

    One bit they quote from another linguist’s blog deems particularly relevant to why I’ve never really used “please” at work (despite being very effusive when it comes to “thank you”):

    > while ‘thank you‘ is still important to civilized discourse, I find that ‘please‘ has almost the opposite effect in American English. It can make a question sound urgent, blunt, and even downright rude.

    1. C*

      I came here to say exactly this— this blog post was mentioned on a podcast I listen to lately (the politeness episode of lingthusiasm) and it blew my mind! I’m from the US and while I think of “please” as polite in the abstract, I pretty much never say it at work. In fact, the most natural use of “please” I can think of would be in an angry/exasperated context. I wouldn’t tell a roommate “can you please clean the dishes”, but if I was really mad I might say “can you please just clean the effing dishes”.

    2. Strive to Excel*

      In my time in food service (all fast food), I definitely can’t remember noticing specific pleases and thank yous. I noticed a lot more about if a person was prepared and communicative; if they got up to the counter and had what they needed for me, or had questions I could answer before ordering, those were fine. The ones we viewed as “impolite” were the ones who weren’t communicating clearly and making it our problem.

      And I use “not communicating clearly” very broadly! We had international students coming up with Google Translate or pictures of what they wanted, which was very clear communication. Annoying orders were ones where customers did not choose a dish before getting up to my register despite standing in a 10-minute lunch rush line. Or the ones where customers persisted in trying to order food we didn’t have (fast food does not do rare burgers, please and thank you!).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Food service is pretty specific this way, for sure. “Please” can come across as a demand if used wrong: for instance, we ask customers if they would like to add a tip onto their credit card. “Would you like to add a tip?” comes across as a question, whereas “Would you like to add a tip, please?” sounds way more demanding and the opposite of polite, to my ears.

    3. Mentally Spicy*

      That’s very interesting. I’m British and I hadn’t considered that the two countries differ in their use of “please.” I would never request something of a stranger (no matter who they were) without saying please. But with someone I interacted with a lot (family, friend, coworker) I would only use “please” if I was asking someone to go out of their way to help me.

      This may be an off tangent anecdote, and I promise I’m not trying to apply the actions of one person to an entire country. But recently I was behind an older American gentleman in my local convenience store. (Rare because I live in a very small town that tourists generally don’t visit).

      His interaction with the checkout person was extremely respectful and polite and yet he NEVER used the words “please” and “thank you”. Not once. It really stood out to me as jarring not hearing those words.

      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I wouldn’t necessarily use ‘please’ a lot with my family and friends – unless it was something like ‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’ ‘Ooooh, yes please!’ In British English ‘Yes please!’ is a way we have of saying ‘yes’ with bells on. I also don’t tend to use ‘please’ at work – I’ll use other polite ways of asking like ‘Would you mind’ or ‘Would you be able to’ or ‘Could you’. But if I’m in a shop, or a cafe or something like that, I’d definitely say ‘Could I please have a regular latte to take away’, and then I’ll say ‘thank you’ several times – after I’ve paid, and when I collect the coffee. I might even say ‘thank you’ again to the staff in general as I’m leaving.

        1. amoeba*

          Yeah, in food service, leaving off the “please” (or the local version thereof – there are differences!) sounds really wrong to me. But I guess that does maybe connect to why it can feel off in a work context? Like, ordering food is just that – an order. It’s an order that you soften by adding the “please” to it, but still. Not what I’d use with my colleagues.
          So maybe it’s because the “please” invokes the “soft order” character for me?

      2. Sparky*

        Your last anecdote is exactly the type of situation that inspired the blog post from what I can tell!

        Politeness is a super intricate topic and even when you speak the same language can have subtle differences that end up having a big effect. Since saying “please” to customer service isn’t as common in the US, it can come off as overly insistent and whiny to use it there, but since it’s more common in the UK, it is rude to omit it. And since it’s such a subtle thing, it’s not like you’ll be told in a travel guidebook about it as a visitor! The exact same actions can have totally different connotations in a different cultural context.

    4. Still*

      That’s fascinating! I guess that explains why my reaction to the letter was “Eleanor is definitely in the wrong here but these requests do come across as a bit brusque.” My instinct is definitely to at least soften “can you” to “could you”… but I realise now that it’s regional!

    5. higheredalumna*

      Also, using thank you is different than always using please because it is also a shorthand acknowledgement for whatever is being handed/delivered to you or completed for you. As a manager, I know I’ve used it to acknowledge tasks that weren’t assigned but managed nonetheless. So the heavier use of thank you makes sense with broader context.

    6. nonee*

      Thank you for pointing this out! I’m Australian and every example in these comments of “well you wouldn’t say please if you asked for x in y way!” I would absolutely add please to. I am possibly on the above-average side of politeness, but not unusual.

      Eleanor is still a boor for insisting, though!

      1. Sparky*

        Yeah, the usage of “please” can certainly vary substantially between English-speaking locales, but I suspect Eleanor’s behavior would be rude worldwide.

  16. Jam on Toast*

    I’d ask nicely once.
    Then I’d go full Regency. She wants manners? Give her manners. Smother her in manners until she’s choking on it. “Perchance, if you could stoop without bending and disoblige yourself by obliging me by conveying to me the latest Llama Training Files?” Make her feel the pain of her ridiculous request all the time.
    And just imagine her complaint. “Manager! Manager! OP is being exquisitely polite to me. All. The. Time. Exactly like I demanded. Make it stop.”

    1. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      If I thought I could get away with it, I’d love to use an old Cincinnati colloquialism:

      “Only if you say please.”
      “Please?”

      There’s a particular tone of voice you use with it to convey “Can you repeat what you just said?”, usually in the context of not hearing what the person just said. (I am told it’s a leftover from when there was a large German speaking population in Cincinnati – the language changed but the colloquialism remained.)

      Alas, outside of this region the reference would likely be missed entirely.

      1. amoeba*

        Hah, yeah, that makes sense – we do use “Bitte?” (or “wie bitte?”) as a polite way of saying “what?”

    2. Mentally Spicy*

      “My dear madam, I humbly request that you cast your gracious eyes upon my cost/ benefit analysis, tawdry though it may be, and I beseech thee to pray give me your insight into its shortcomings, legion though I’m sure they may be. I shall be forever your most humble servant if I may beg of you to countenance my request within the hour, unbearably presumptuous as it is, and I look forward to receiving your radiant wisdom, yay before the clock striketh the hour of 5.”

  17. ReallyBadPerson*

    “Could you please stop correcting another adult’s manners. It is actually quite rude. thank you.”

    1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      She probably wouldn’t, given her reaction to the less-direct phrasings “can you email me those forecasts” and “can I call you?” The LW wasn’t asking whether Eleanor is capable of sending an email, or knows how her phone works.

      Saying “yes I can” and not sending the forecasts would be a different kind of obnoxious answer, even th0ugh “no, I’m waiting to get the forecasts from Fergus” can be a reasonable one.

      1. Possum's mom*

        Once, a lifetime ago, I asked my schoolteacher ” Can I go to the restroom?”. She replied “I know you can , but “May I ” is what you should say”. Two things I learned that day were how to ask correctly and how to answer politely, but that was THIRD GRADE. Loosen up, Eleanor!

        1. Pennyworth*

          My grandmother would respond to request such as ”Can I stay up late tonight?” with ”You can, but you may not.”

          1. amoeba*

            Ooooh, I got that SO MUCH as a child. Sometimes still do. “I don’t know, can you?”

            To be fair, at least in German, it’s not actually very correct/good style, but still. This way of pointing it out makes me crazy.

            1. Sparky*

              I think it’s extra annoying when they do this in English because “may” is a lot more formal and antiquated than “darf” is in German. Like, you could avoid using “may” in requests in your whole adult life without anyone batting an eye. But so much of elementary school is made up of this kind of arbitrary rule, so I suppose it’s preparing them for something.

              1. metadata minion*

                Yeah, it’s a useful distinction to teach people if you’re studying grammar, or want to be *very* polite and formal, but any explanation should come with the addendum “but in modern US English, especially spoken, “can” has taken the place of “may” in most cases”.

              2. amoeba*

                Good point! Although I guess you could always go with “Is it OK if…” but that gets really long.

            2. Hannah Lee*

              It’s like when I was a kid and I’d say something like “can I see that magazine?” meaning “Please, can you hand it to me?” and the person, usually one particular cousin who was a few years older than me, would respond in a sing song voice “You see with your eyes, not with your hands” and move the thing out of reach. She didn’t actually say “Ha Ha” like Nelson from the Simpsons, but that was the vibe.

              It was a technically ‘correct’ and literal interpretation of what I said, but the intent of the response was to cuff me and be mean, have an excuse to not share whatever she was holding.

              It was clear in context what I was asking, it wasn’t a rude or OTT request, it was just her being pedantic because she wanted to be a jerk to me. Eleanor sounds just like this … a 9 year old older cousin pulling a mean power play.

        2. iglwif*

          I had a teacher who taught us this by responding to “Can I go to the washroom?” with “I don’t know, CAN you?” which … no. Not helpful.

          1. New Jack Karyn*

            The difference is, it is actually a teacher’s job to coach students on correct word choice.

    2. SimonTheGreyWarden*

      My husband and I will use this phrasing if we have a ‘big ask’ because we are both BioShock fans.

  19. Managercanuck*

    Boy, about a year or two into this job (about 15 years ago), I was chided by a co-worker for using “please” too often in my emails.

  20. duinath*

    …Consistently realizing my first instinct in every situation is to start a fight. In this situation, for example, the best response I could manage would be “excuse me?” and it goes straight downhill from there.

    This isn’t a favor, it’s not someone randomly asking for your help, this is your job. Do your job.

      1. Carol the happy*

        “Eleanor, you controlling jerk- “Pretty Please, with a cherry on top, extra spray foam and unicorn sprinkles- would you call a supervisor? I need to get what I’m already paying for, and you are not helping me here. Your boss needs to know how rude and controlling you are. (Curtseys like Katniss in Hunger Games) Oh, and Thank you for your consideration!”

        I would be furious to find that anyone on my team pulled this steaming load of control-freak crap.

  21. the cat’s ass*

    Omg, I am WAY too old for that nonsense. I’d be inviting her to erf herself with a tuba, sideways, please!

  22. Hush42*

    I once had the following co-worker with whom I had the following conversation via IM-
    Me- “Hey, would you be able to send me that report for the project that I’m working on?”
    Him-“Good Morning Hush, how are you?”
    Me- “Good Morning, I’m good. How are you?…”
    Him- “I’m good thank you for asking. Yes I will send that report.”

    It wasn’t the first time an interaction like that happened with that particular co-worker. Maybe unnecessary small talk made him feel better but it just felt like a waste of my time. It’s not like I was rude in my original message.
    Same guy was fired less than a year later. He thought that it was a good idea to complain to his bosses wife (who is one of the nicest ladies I have ever met) about how difficult it is to work with his boss when she stopped by to say hi to everyone one day. As if that isn’t bad enough his boss is a minority owner in the business (his brother was the majority owner) and his last name is on the side of the building.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      That kind of demand reminds me of the meme going around about the latest “I hope this email finds you well” salutation: “I hope this email kills us both.” Which is in the vein of what I would reply when an obnoxious ass demands that we act like we’re in a Regency romance novel.

    3. StarTrek Nutcase*

      I had a coworker “S” who always engaged in excessive greetings in emails to other department coworkers when requesting required documentation. We were in Accounting and multiple times a day had to request documents, additional info or confirmation – all with 24 hr turnaround. We had heavy workloads and S was already damn slow & always requiring assistance. When training her & assisting her, it drove me nuts that she couldn’t just get to the point (standard at our facility). I know a few extra sentences seem like nothing but she was SLOW – at thinking and typing. Maybe if she’d been otherwise competent this wouldn’t have driven me nuts.

      I came to believe this behavior – focusing on “niceness” in emails & in person – was her way of protecting herself. Calling out a b*tch is one thing, calling out a nice person is just mean. If I had a dime every time a coworker or manager said “but S is so nice” to excuse her lazy, lackadaisical work ethic & bad work product and thus avoid firing her.

      1. Garlic Knot*

        I work in a culture where you write an entire nuanced paragraph just to say “Greetings”; same with “Best regards”. Fortunately, second time onwards allow some shortcuts. I was already good at searching and copy-pasting before I moved, thank you, I don’t need a PhD!

  24. Mrs. Hawiggins*

    “Eleanor, would you please stop treating this workplace like a day care?”
    “Eleanor, would you please help me pack up my things, I’m quitting.”
    There’s some please-es

    This is one of those times where I’d get curt with a response and thus be labeled “difficult,” but, I mean, please.

    Something to the effect of, “What are we three years old in here, come on.” Some people are just so un self aware.

  25. Zona the Great*

    I say to go to boss to shut this down. I worked with a woman who said ‘You’re Welcome’ in the most aggressive way I had ever seen. She said YW to me when we first met after I said Thank You in response to her Welcome to the Team. She’d say You’re Welcome to conclude her email in response to the “Thanks” that concludes most others. So it came across as extremely out of sync.

    “Dear Marge,

    Sure, I’ll have that report to you by Wednesday.

    You’re Welcome,

    Sally”

  26. Jarissa*

    Miss Manners a.k.a. Judith Martin has said repeatedly, in her columns and in her books and in live interviews on talk shows, that it is **bad manners** to correct someone else’s manners or etiquette. Eleanor is in the wrong no matter how she feels about other’s courtesy.

  28. Resentful Oreos*

    This seems like an excellent time to pull out the Don Draper “that’s what the money is for!”

  29. Not always right*

    Yeah. If were a customer, and an Eleanor type said that to me after a routine request, I would certainly be put off by that. Depending on the circumstance, I may even “Nevermind, don’t worry about it” and turn around and go somewhere else.

    1. iglwif*

      Yep. If you interact with customers on behalf of your employer, you are in some sense doing sales, and this is NOT how you sell anything to anyone.

  30. I can never remember my nickname here*

    I have two responses to this, one is a little woo and one is very nerdy.

    Woo: Are we sure Eleanor isn’t fae? Pretty sure there’s some weird stuff about saying please/thank you and giving them your names…

    Nerdy: Start using “would you kindly” and leaning hard on it. She probably won’t get it but my inner Bioshock nerd is giddy thinking about it.

    That said it sounds patronizing and really annoying! Sorry you dealt with that, LW!

  31. Sharpie*

    “Could you do X and Y by Wednesday- the customer wants to have this asap?”

    “Only if you say please.”

    “I asked perfectly politely, as any adult would realise.”

  32. YesPhoebeWould*

    One option is, after asking her politely to stop, which it sounds like she won’t, is to humiliate her in front of her peers. Whenever she says to say “please”, especially in front of her peers, just stare at her for a few uncomfortable seconds and say “Stop being ridiculous. Or how about PLEASE stop being ridiculous?”, or mocking her with sickly sweet over-the-top entreaties “Oh, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top? Could you do your damn job”?

    I know it goes against the grain for some here, but when people *insist* on being jerks about silly things (like she is doing), humiliation and mocking can work wonders.

  33. a name*

    I had a coworker who played similar games. He taught me never to ask for anything. If I needed something, I learned to phrase it politely without a question. It can be tricky to not come off as rude and takes some practice but it leaves less room for the little games and often the easiest way to soften the request is to add the please so it will solve that problem as well.

    Instead of “Eleanor, can you email me those forecasts for next quarter so I can get this project to our boss?” say “Eleanor, please send next quarter forecasts by end of day. Let me know if you have any questions or if that timeline won’t work for you.”

    Instead of “Eleanor, can I call you in a crisis?” Say “Eleanor, we have a crisis and need to discuss a plan of action. Are you available now or would it be better to call in an hour?”

    Instead of “Eleanor, can you please reach out to client A? They have a question on pricing.” Say “Eleanor, Client A has a pricing question. Please reach out to them. Thanks.”

    It doesn’t solve the issue of her doing it to customers, but in someways it’s easier to bring that up to your boss than her being rude to you.

    1. cncx*

      Yup, I just left a job with the language police. It was exhausting to both cope with the day to day business collaboration needs and make sure I was using my words in a way that pleased him, which was never the case. Everything I said was an opportunity for correction. It is an art I will take with me to my next job but so, so tiring.

    2. amoeba*

      Oh wow. TBH, all of those (I mean, his preferred versions!) sound pretty curt and not very polite to me. Or rather, polite, but like someone is annoyed at me and trying to stay polite. I do have some colleagues who just communicate like that and it’s fine, I know it’s just their style, but when I don’t know somebody and they write “Please do X.” I wonder what I’ve done wrong.

  35. Esprit de l'escalier*

    If Eleanor is also saying this to her boss, then by definition her boss is an ineffectual manager and OP might consider taking this to the grandboss since Eleanor is doing it to customers, not just to coworkers. (And good grief!)

    1. Observer*

      Yes.

      Boss is a problem. I really wonder how grand-boss could not know about it. Because I also have to imagine that at least one or two customers have complained. So, this may be a symptom of a wider problem.

  38. Pierrot*

    Ugh, that is so obnoxious. I work at a non-profit and a fair amount of my job involves communicating with clients and potential clients, and those interactions are probably where I say “please” the most, as in “please let me know what time works best for you”. I mainly do this in email, I think because when I’m speaking to someone it is clear from tone that I’m not being demanding, but over email and with clients, I air on the side of formality and conventional etiquette.

    With colleagues, I don’t say “please” nearly as much, mainly because communicating with peers is generally less formal. The one example I can think of is that I send monthly reminders to my team to enter data so that I can run a report, but I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelash if I removed the please. There’s other respectful ways of asking for someone to do something that is literally part of their job. Thank you is usually a lot more important, as is tone. You can make a polite request without saying please, and you can also sound demanding or passive aggressive *while* saying please. If LW went up to their colleague and said “please finish the report now”, that would come across as pretty demanding and curt. I feel like she’s being more rude than anyone else around her (especially because I feel like a big part of workplace etiquette, for better and sometimes worse, is letting go of minor grievances and frustrations and just being agreeable with your coworkers).

  39. mcdonalds grimace*

    i wonder if this is a cultural difference? not the situation specifically to the letter writer, but generally that the response & the comments thread seems to think it’s mostly pretty silly to expect a ‘please’ at work.

    in my (non US) workplace, everyone says please when making requests, no matter who they’re asking. it would look strange to not say please. [of course, the situation the LW describes is very aggravating, but also, the person in question would never have to ask for a please in my workplace].

    we have a fairly flat heirarchy even when there are upper managers involved though, socially speaking. seems that US workplaces rely on heirarchy and maybe please comes into that.

    1. Observer*

      seems that US workplaces rely on heirarchy and maybe please comes into that.

      Nothing to do with hierarchy at all. I ask my boss to take care of things without saying “please” all the time. Always with definite respect, though.

      I think that you are also missing the point here. No one thinks that it’s ok to not be polite. But it is possible to be polite without prefacing every directive or request with the word please. And it’s possible to be rude while using the word please.

    2. amoeba*

      Naaah, more a question of language use. If anything, “Please” comes across as more hierarchical to me, it’s more like a soft order to a subordinate than a friendly request to a peer. Which is why I rarely use it, outside of “Please let me know if you have any questions!” or something.

  40. Anonymato*

    I am so curious if she says “please” herself all the time.

    It sounds awful and I’d be so tempted to play this out into a never ending loop- so if she told me “Only if you say please.” I would respond with “I will say please only if you say “Only if you say please PLEASE”

  41. Elizabeth West*

    In my job, I don’t have contact with clients. I use please in emails when I’m asking a team to do something so it doesn’t sound like I’m bossing them around. Like, “Please include the X file when you send the finished BBs back. Please let me know when you’re done so I can prepare the report,” etc. and “Thanks” or “Thank you” at the end. If someone sends me something, I respond “Thanks, Celestina!” or whoever.

    But I would in no way demand that anyone say please to me, especially if it were a client. Elanor is being a twit.

  42. Maleficent*

    I’m related to an Eleanor! I can confirm, it annoys the ever-loving crap out of me. She asked me to take portraits of everyone for a family tree project at a recent event. I had everyone stand like, a foot away from a nice brick wall for the portraits.
    me: “Ellie, stand right there and i’ll take your picture.”
    Eleanor: “say ‘please.’ ”
    me: (inwardly thinking, YOU ASKED ME TO DO THIS, YOU DIDN’T SAY PLEASE, YOU’RE A CONTANT BARNACLE ON MY HAPPINESS AND YOU SUCK JOY OUT OF EVERY SITUATION) “ah, yes… stand right there, thanks.”

  44. Hesitant*

    You may not be thinking of this, but vodou, or voodoo, is a religion. While voodoo is popularly satirized in American culture, vodou priests were lynched en masse in Haiti within the last couple decades, and so we can see they still face significant prejudice. Voodoo doll jokes may or may not be offensive, but they are related to other, stronger, mocking phrases like “voodoo medicine” or calling strong supernatural beliefs/superstition “voodoo”.

  45. Selina Luna*

    I don’t require teenaged students to say please or thank you (though I’m always appreciative when they do, and I always model doing so), and I would be deeply annoyed if a colleague corrected the teenagers about this, much less me.

  47. Just me*

    I typically use please in any written requests but may or may not use it in person. A few weeks ago I was peeved to discover that a special order that should have been shipped as soon as it was finished had been sitting off to the side in production for at least two weeks. My note on the message board had more than one please for emphasis! Don’t remember if I added thank you.

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