my employees can’t move on after I yelled at them, boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes, and more

by Alison Green on January 22, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employees can’t move on after I yelled at them

I do not deny I have yelled at some of my employees out of frustration. I am in my 60’s and had several strokes and my demeanor is short. I have apologized, but the group of employees cannot get past the fact that I yelled and are now holding it against me. I know that I am out of touch with the younger generation, having grown up in the late 60’s and early 70’s and in a military household I would like to say, “Knock it off and get over it,” but I know that would make things worse. As an engineer, I am black and white with no emotions….kind of “shut up and get the job done.” Any advice on how to address the employees to get them past my past harsh yelling?

Normally I’d say to sincerely apologize and vow you’ll treat them more respectfully going forward … but that’s not going to sound genuine if you don’t really see what the big deal is and still think your employee should just “get over it.”

Yelling is abusive and it’s not reasonable to be frustrated that they won’t just get over it. I’m skeptical that you’ll be able to move past this unless you can find a way to see their point of view … and to do that, you have to be sincerely interested in learning, not just in trying to make the problem go away.

Part of what you need to learn is why your employees — and most employees, particularly people with options — won’t tolerate being spoken to abusively. The other thing you need to learn is better management skills; you yelled out of frustration, which means you don’t know how to get what you need as a manager. That’s a skills deficiency on your side, not theirs — and this won’t get better unless you learn how to get things done without losing your temper. More advice here and here.

2. My boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes from her

I work at a pharmacy. At the interview, my boss said that she demands one thing: to tell her when I make any mistakes. I’ve been there for a year, and I didn’t tell her that I forgot I’d left the keys to the pharmacy attached to the outside doors three times. In fact, she discovered that after my colleague found them attached to the door at closing. She then talked to me (with no yelling) and said that this should not be repeated. Fast forward to two months after that, I made a mistake by not telling a patient that they should pay an additional fee and didn’t tell her because I planned on paying the fee myself, and by that I would be solving the problem without her knowing. My colleague again told my boss, and she got mad at me. I talked to her, and she repeated her words but didn’t mention anything about firing me or repercussions. But I noticed that she and everyone at the pharmacy are ignoring me. I really love working there and i respect my boss and love her so much. What should I do ?

This is my first official job after graduating. However, i worked while studying in a toxic environment for two years where hiding mistakes and trying to fix them yourself was done at a daily basis.

Leaving the keys in the door outside a pharmacy is a really serious mistake; it’s giving access to a bunch of controlled substances to anyone who wanders by! Humans make mistakes, but if it happened three separate times, you’ve really got to figure out what’s happening that’s allowing that. Two times would be bad! Three is … very bad. I’m not trying to berate you, but I can’t tell from your letter if you realize that so I’m flagging it.

The thing about not telling your boss that you messed up a fee and instead planned to pay it yourself  — when she specifically told you the thing she cares about most is that you tell her about mistakes — is also bad. Strategizing to deceive her is a big deal! She needs to know because there could be consequences she’ll need to deal with. (For example, off the top of my head, if that patient is charged the correct fee in the future and is confused about why she wasn’t charged it previously, people need to know what happened. It could also point to a need for more training, which is info she’s entitled to as your boss.)

It’s smart to identify that you’re carrying over behaviors from an old job where hiding mistakes was normal, but in this environment, it’s a dysfunctional behavior. Your boss sounds like someone who won’t respond harshly to mistakes themselves, but cover-ups could get you fired.

To make this right, talk to your boss and explain that you used to work somewhere where mistakes were handled very differently but you understand how important it is to be open and up-front about mistakes at this job, and you’re committed to doing that going forward (and say you know that you’ve handled it wrong up until now). But you have to really mean that — if you cover up another mistake, it’s likely to be impossible to come back from it.

Related:
how to rebuild your credibility after messing up at work

3. When I provide info to a coworker, he forwards it as-is without warning me

I have a coworker who is intermediating between me and other people (clients, our superiors, etc.). Several times now he has asked me for some information, and then followed-up with, “Okay, I’ll pass it on like that.”

This feels really weird to me. I was writing my messages to him specifically, and I assumed he would repackage that information accordingly (possibly with a more formal message, or also with other data), before informing others. If I knew my message would be going directly to another party from the beginning, I would have written it very differently! Am I off-base here?

It’s definitely not unusual to write differently for one audience than another; you might be much less formal with a peer than with a client or a manager, or you might use shorthand with the former that you wouldn’t use with the latter. That said, your coworker may be judging that what you provided works fine as-is for his purposes. Either way, now that you know he does this, just start assuming that it may get passed on exactly the way you say it and write it accordingly … or you can explicitly say, “If this needs to go to a client or higher-up, I’d like to express it a bit differently so please let me know if that’s the case.” (Or you can even ask that before responding.)

4. Are colorful tights okay for work?

I work in government and there is no real dress code in my office. People wear polos and tees or blouses and dresses. Some people wear jeans. I like to be a little more dressed up and was wondering if I wear a pair of lilac tights under a white sweater dress would this be appropriate for the office. What do you think?

Yes!

5. How can I reject a job offer and still be considered in the future?

I just got my first adult job offer after finishing school. The job itself is perfect — the people are nice, the hours and workload are better than 90% of similar positions I’ve seen in this field, the compensation and benefits are great. I even felt like I clicked well with my potential colleagues.

My problem is the location. The position is in a small town an hour away from a big city. The winters are known for being cold and gloomy, which I am normally okay with, except I would be moving by myself (I’m single with no children and no family in the area) and anticipate it could get very lonely quickly. I was originally planning to live in the city so I could more easily meet other young single professionals, but I don’t think the commute would be feasible with this type of work (I tested the drive when I flew in for my interview). I do know some of my potential colleagues from previous training, but one is my ex, and while we are on good terms, I don’t think it’s smart to have my main support system be my ex (especially if one of us starts dating someone new who isn’t comfortable with our friendship).

If I declined the job offer at this time, is there a way to make it clear I still love the company and would happily reapply if my social situation changes? (I would happily move to the small town where the job is at once I’m married/have a partner, especially if we have kids. It’s an ideal family town, but not so ideal for singles.) How would I communicate that now and in the future, and without burning bridges?

I wouldn’t make it about your social situation — that’s a little too much information. Instead you could say something like, “I really like the company and its work but after a lot of thought, I don’t think I’m ready to make the move right now. So I’m declining, but I’d love to leave the door open for the future if a move does become possible for me.”

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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. Instead, please flag the comment for me (to do that, reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it) and I’ll take care of it. If you want, you can respond “reported” so people know it’s been dealt with and isn’t just being allowed to stand. But please do not engage. Thank you.

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  2. SamiSalami*

    OP #1: While I’m probably 15 years younger than you, I have also had about a dozen mini-strokes/TIAs. Those can really do a number on your brain.
    For me, I can come to anger in less than a half second. Much faster than ever before.
    My anxiety can spike through the roof just as fast – unlike anything I had ever experienced.
    I recommend seeing your doctors: neurologist and a psycho-neurologist to begin with.
    Note that I’m not brushing off the way you’re treating your employees. It’s wrong. You must change what and how you work with people.

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    1. CityMouse*

      I once worked for a manager who was terminally ill and in a significant amount of pain, but it still definitely did a number on those of us who were walking on eggshells around this person for years because we could have this intense disproportionate rage unleashed at us almost at random. More than one person quit or transferred because they couldn’t handle it (including me). This person was really intelligent and hard working but all anyone remembers is the yelling.

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  3. CityMouse*

    I think thr first two letters are pretty similar that both LWs are experiencing pretty standard consequences for their actions and both of them, unless they reverse course on their behavior, will likely get fired for it, probably the second LW more immediately than the first.

    When you’ve messed up spectacularly, either by acting abusively or deceptively, the only way to even potentially get past it, is to genuinely put a stop to to the behavior and sustain that for a while. Once that reputation is gained and once that relationship is broken, it’s very hard to erase and there’s not an easy way to make it go away. You might never get away from that reputation, especially not when it’s a first impression at a job or with new employees.

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  4. Sleeplesskj*

    #1: I’m your contemporary and resent you blaming your attitude on your age and generation. Your inflexibility, lack of empathy and unwillingness to adapt/learn is on you.

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    1. pcake*

      I felt the same. I’m 67, but I don’t yell at people. If I’m frustrated, I take a break – read for a few minutes, take a short walk, just relax and breathe. It’s not fair to yell at people, and of course, they won’t trust you not to yell at them again. People ALL make mistakes or misunderstand something sometimes; they don’t deserve to be penalized imo.

      Btw, I’ve seen 30 year old managers who yell at employees in public. It’s not an age-restricted misbehavior.

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    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      And OP#1 says they’re a “no emotions” type of person. I hate to break it to them, but anger is an emotion!

      OP1, develop a few strategies for breaking yourself out of a rage spiral when you feel like you’re getting ready to yell. Take a quick walk around the block, shut yourself into a room and swear (not loudly enough that everyone can hear) take it out on a stress toy – whatever works. Your goal is to redirect your brain out of focusing on what’s making you angry.
      Alternatively, go to a rage room once a month and smash things up – do whatever works for you.

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      1. duinath*

        Yep, that stood out to me as well, anger is absolutely an emotion, and if you’re fully yelling in the workplace your emotions are out of control.

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      2. D*

        And as for expressing emotions….a lot of people get in this “No emotions are okay but anger” or bottling up all emotions and anger is the one that demands attention more, but…Disappointment is an emotion, OP1.

        And disappointment from someone you respect is a LOT more motivating that anger from someone you don’t.

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      4. I&I*

        Just so. And discomfort with your employees not ‘moving on’ is an emotion too, OP1. This entire situation is about your feelings.

        Which is fine in itself! People have feelings, you’re a person. We all have ’em. But they’re *your* feelings, which means managing them is your job, not your employees’.

        I’m going to challenge you to look at your framing differently. In describing your background, you aren’t describing low-emotion settings so much as settings where there’s a very strong hierarchy.

        In hierarchies, the ones at the top get to define what’s right and wrong – not because they have a special insight, but simply because the boss says what goes. If the boss has emotions, those emotions feel justified, right? Because everyone’s emotions always feel justified to them. So if a higher-up dumps their emotions down the chain, they can frame it to themselves as being clear on what’s right and wrong.

        The lower-downs never, ever experience it this way. Not in any setting or generation. They just aren’t allowed to tell the higher-ups that.

        What you’re seeing isn’t a generational or cultural divide. You’re just not in the army and your employees don’t have to say ‘Sir yes sir!’ however you act.

        (And honestly, if an army officer took his feelings out on his subordinates he’d be a bad officer. At least you’re in a situation where your employees can’t decide, ‘You know, I’m not gonna warn him about that sniper I just spotted.’)

        So try it this way: feelings are data, and you’ve given your employees data about you. I get the feeling that you’re used to very manly-coded ways of thinking, so I’ll put it in those terms: you’ve told them that you aren’t in control of your own behaviour, you expect more respect than you give, and that you aren’t reliable.

        The fact that you’re clearly annoyed they’re still wary also suggests your apology was it was no guarantee any of this would change. You’re still expecting them to do what they’re told because you say so, down to visible feelings. That’s not a very sincere apology, and they’ll have noticed that too.

        Expecting them to just ‘move on’ like they didn’t notice any of this is asking them to ignore the data. You want smart employees; smart people don’t ignore the facts, and the fact is you can’t ‘move on’ from something that isn’t changing. What they see is a situation where the boss can’t manage his feelings, and his plan for dealing with that is to give a verbal apology, expect it to create a complete reset, and do nothing about his emotional skills so that it’s pretty certain he’ll yell again. In other words, they have solid evidence that you think yelling is – maybe not okay, but a tolerable aspect of working life as long as it’s followed with the right form of words.

        It isn’t.

        What you need to do is find ways to stop yelling and treat them with genuine respect. When you do that they’ll have new evidence and change their opinions of you accordingly.

        If that’s medically impossible for you because of your strokes, you need to be realistic about that and change the command structure so you’re not in a position to let your emotional dysregulation affect the workplace. That’s hard, I know, but again, look at it factually: if you can’t do something, you can’t, and it’s more respectable to work with what you’ve got.

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      5. MK*

        Also, I get the impression that this whole letter is about their feelings. They say they want them employees to knock it off and get the job done; what are they supposed to knock off, and is the job not getting done? If the employees are being rude and not working, fair enough, BUT I very much suspect that they simply treat him with civility instead of friendliness and doing their job without much. enthusiasm. Which is a natural consequence of his actions, and maybe he needs to get over it.

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        1. Allonge*

          This is what I wanted to say – LW1, can you define what specifically you would like to see change in the way your team behaves / acts? Not doing the job is not ok. Being a bit jumpy? Part of the deal. Where is it?

          Also, LW1, I am sorry that you were raised in this manner and that despite severe medical issues and your age you still need to be working. None of that is a good excuse for yelling at other people but it sucks all the same.

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    3. Ellis Bell*

      It’s definitely not some new fad, for people to object to being yelled at and spoken to in anger. Having a visceral reaction to that, is as old as being human. I wonder if tolerating abusiveness has been the situation of OP’s microclimate, rather than the condition of their whole generation. They mention the military and engineering, and while I can’t speak to either, it seems likely at least their family and their company (or their corner of the industry) might have been inclined to teach OP more about tolerating the abuse of superiors, rather than self-control around those you’re responsible for, but like all bad plans it will eventually be abandoned in favour of healthy systems. Another thing to consider is whether people got more sensitive after OP’s strokes (if OP is right about that being a contributing factor),… or OP’s ascent to management. If OP is really, truly lacking in fundamental skills to engage with other humans, they need to speak to a professional, either about their health, or about anger management.

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  5. ENFP in Texas*

    Not charging a patient for a fee could be considered a Kickback and can land the pharmacy in VERY hot water with federal agencies.

    I realized that a one-time mistake and just trying to pay it out of your own pocket likely would not cause anti-kickback regulation difficulties, but it is so very important that you understand why it matters that these regulations are followed.

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    2. A*

      Pharmacy is a highly regulated industry and the reason the boss cares is because she is REQUIRED to care, for her license and the stores license. She is accountable for making sure things are running smoothly and they’re complying with all regulations, and mistakes happen but in the compliance world there’s a difference between ‘made a mistake, fixed it, documented it, and made efforts to avoid future errors’ and ‘pattern of sloppiness and covering up mistakes’.

      The problem isn’t making mistakes, everyone is human and all systems have to account for the human factor. But covering it up can lead to some real problems down the line and nobody likes when a serious issue is uncovered by an auditor instead of being neatly wrapped in a bow and solved before auditors come knocking

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    3. Amira menadi*

      I am the employee here and i know this won’t help a lot but it was a product that was not covered by insurance and was a simple hydrating cream that can be acquired in supermarkets. And since the patient was our client i thought the pharmacy gifted it to him since we do that a lot. So it doesn’t cause any problem with the law. And since that incident i have successfully reported every move i made. The relationship with my boss and colleagues has improved significantly. I am so grateful that they let me improve rather than firing me.

      Reply ↓
  6. Viette*

    LW #2 definitely calls for a clear-eyed evaluation of what consequences they’re expecting to get from admitting when they make a mistake, and whether those are actually worse that the consequences they’re actively experiencing from hiding their mistakes.

    If hiding the mistakes is just a habit, it’s a habit it’s time to knuckle down and break, or LW #2 will get fired eventually. If LW #2 is under the impression that the consequences for admitting a mistake are going to be worse than the consequences for hiding these mistakes then they’ve got to think about why! Did the current boss make that impression? Was it a previous boss? They can’t be treating the current boss like she’s some other person LW #2 knew before — as powerful as those old fears are, that’s never going to work.

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    1. Saturday*

      Sometimes the consequences of telling the truth might be worse. But a person can’t be honest only when it’s easier for them.

      Reply ↓
  7. INF Vet*

    OP #1, I am a military Veteran (Infantry who saw active ground combat during GWOT). I now work in sales and have been a top preforming sales person at several companies.

    I had a FORMER manager who yelled/cussed me out over an expense report being late (less than a week) when I had been traveling back to back weeks twice in a row, with a week home between the two trips…. I had a new job lined up before getting done with the second trip.

    Civilian employment isn’t the military. People yell/scream when they have lost control (and then lose respect). Even if you are right, if you deliver the message like an asshole, no one is going to listen.

    if you want people to quit, keep doing what you are doing. Hiring/training is expensive and your bosses will notice.

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  8. Cmdrshprd*

    OP5 at the risk of stating the obvious, have you thought of splitting the difference and living somewhere halfwayish between small town job is based at and big city? to be that would kinda be the best of both worlds.

    So 30 minutes from the job, and only 30 mins from the city? a benefit is the rent/housing would likely be cheaper. I live and work in the same city and my commute is still about 45 mins, and getting from one end of the city to the other takes 45/60 minutes.

    I say this because it sounds like you want the job just not the small town.

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    1. D*

      Heck, if they’re on friendly terms with the ex, they could even just ask about local meetups for people in their peer group or friendly places to move–if the ex might date someone, then they haven’t settled down either and have found a way to make this work for a young single them!

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    2. KateM*

      I also imagine that commute from “between” to “small town” is going to be pretty good in the sense of rush hour traffic mostly going the other way.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      Some people despise having roommates, but if OP was amenable to trying it, it might be a way to make sure they are around people during the winter.

      Reply ↓
  9. Anna*

    OP #1, you describe yourself as no emotions, just getting the job done. If that is true and your yelling is a selected managerial strategy now you can re-evaluate its efficiency. If you instead are loosing your temper, your description of yourself is incorrect and you need too admit that you are very emotional. (There is nothing wrong with being an emotional person, but it helps to be honest if you want to address problems.)

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  10. Mad Scientist*

    #3, it sounds like they did warn you! But nevertheless, I’ve had this happen many times, and it’s annoying. Especially because my internal emails usually include links that clients can’t access / drafts that aren’t meant for external submissions. Just tell me you want me to draft an email for client XYZ and I’ll do it. Forwarding my internal emails to external people will only cause confusion.

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  11. duinath*

    LW 2 I am not surprised your co-workers are less warm to you/avoiding you. When you make a series of mistakes of this magnitude, people start thinking you’re unreliable with your duties, but when you also hide your mistakes they start thinking you’re unreliable in your character.

    I would advise you to look at what is causing you to make these mistakes, and what is causing you to hide them, not to explain yourself but to make a plan.

    Stop yourself in your tracks. Figure out if it’s absent minded mistakes, rushed mistakes, or something else; and catch yourself at it.

    Same thing with the deception, while you are planning strategies to avoid making mistakes, make a plan for how to handle it if you *do*. Aim for the best, plan for the worst. Walk yourself through it.

    Bottom line, the best way to change the way people view you is to change the way you behave.

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  12. Manager perspective*

    LW #2 – as a manager the most serious offense to me is dishonesty. Someone who can’t acknowledge and own up to mistakes is a much bigger deal than anyone making a mistake.

    I understand your history is a job where you had to cover things up, but your best move here is to show your manager you can acknowledge and own your mistakes.

    The mistakes may be serious. But an honest mistake will never be as a big a deal to me as trying to cover something up.

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    1. CityMouse*

      I think it’s also worth mentioning that making errors is normal, but in a pharmacy errors could have very severe consequences. So if you feel you can’t trust someone in that kind of workplace that’s a very very big deal.

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  13. glt on wry*

    I’ve been new to a job like OP2 after two years of toxicity under someone like OP1. For me at Old Job, the first reaction when I made a mistake was to want to obscure it because, unfortunately, I was used to getting yelled at any error as if it was the end of the world. This was a daily experience for everyone on the floor, so it was pretty ingrained and it was horrible.

    When I moved to New Job, first time my manager noticed a mistake from me (while I was kind of cowering), he told me ‘We don’t yell here.’ And I was able to breathe, acknowledge the error, resolve to learn and do better, and just keep being a good employee.

    OP2, I think you should trust your new environment and new boss and know that they want you to succeed. Because if you are successful, that transfers to the company. This will make a huge difference, and you’ll be able to have faith in yourself, too, and know that good employers aren’t the type to be out there just waiting for you to screw up so they can smack you down. Good employers like you and they want you to grow.

    I would tell your boss you’re sorry for your behaviour but explain where you’re coming from, explain your fear of screwing up, and then please just trust yourself and the new place and keep pushing for success, small and big. Take care and I wish you the best.

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  14. Chairman of the Bored*

    LW1’s position of “CAN’T YOU SEE HOW UN-EMOTIONAL I AM WHILE I AM YELLING AT YOU?” is really remarkable.

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  17. Sunny*

    OP2 – one line in your letter really stood out to me – “I really love working there and i respect my boss and love her so much.” This is a work relationship, and this actually sounds like you’ve maybe invested a bit too much emotion. I wonder if you’re also viewing her as a parent figure, which is another reason you’re hiding mistakes.

    It’s great to respect your boss and have warm feelings towards them – but “i love her so much” isn’t really appropriate in a workplace and you may want to step back and think about what it means to maintain professional boundaries. (To be clear, I don’t think you’re saying love in a creepy way, but just that it’s overly emotional for a workplace.)

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  19. Feedback Fiend*

    LW1 – a few years ago in marriage counselling my ex asked “why can’t she just get over it all and move on”. The answer from the counsellor was that the reason I couldn’t just ‘get over it’ was because the ex had not yet taken any accountability for his actions or acknowledged the hurt that he had caused. While this is a work situation, the answer is just the same. LW1 needs to take accountability for the inappropriateness of their actions, and acknowledge they caused hurt to their employees. Only then will the employees be able to start to move past that, however that will also depend on the future behavior of LW1.

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  20. Seal*

    #1 – As someone who’s had more than my share of abusive managers who regularly yelled at me, I’m not surprised your employees are holding it against you. Getting yelled at is humiliating. Every manager who yelled at me instantly lost my respect and I never felt comfortable around them again.

    Also, you don’t have to be “in touch” with a generation to treat its members with respect.

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  21. Kella*

    OP1, you describe yourself as having no emotions but yelling is an expression of anger, frustration and/or a desire to make others uncomfortable to spur them into action. If it weren’t any of those things, you would’ve said the same thing at a normal volume and it would’ve been equally effective, with less backlash on you.

    Because you value logic, that means that either a. you are having an emotion and using an inappropriate behavior to take it out on your employees b. you are counting on your employees having a negative emotional reaction to your yelling to motivate them (which is abusive) or c. you are arbitrarily using a tactic that has no value at all and you’ve discovered has significant drawbacks.

    Lastly, beware viewing other people’s reactions to you as being “emotional” and viewing your own emotions as objective truth. Other people are also full complex humans with complex reasons behind their actions, just as you have.

    Reply ↓

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