Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss coughs all over me

I’ve just begun a new position and as a result, have been working closely with my new boss as she trains me. Things are mostly going well — except she is constantly coughing on me! Directly on me! As in, I feel her breath on my bare arm as she coughs into my skin while leaning over me to see my computer screen. When she does bother to cover her mouth, she coughs into her hand … which she then promptly uses to grab my mouse. She also left a used(!) tissue on my desk.

I’m coming down with a cold and it’s not hard to put two and two together. She’s an older woman and a senior vice president, I’m a younger and far junior, brand new employee. Do I have any standing to polite ask her to stop doing this? If not, what else can I do other than aggressively sanitize everything after?

That’s incredibly rude! In an ideal world you’d be able to simply say, “I don’t want to get sick — would you mind moving away when you need to cough?” And you might indeed be able to say that; it’s a very reasonable request!

But if you’re nervous about it, another approach is to make it more about what you’re going to do than what she’s doing: “Let me move away while you input that since you’re coughing.” You can also keep disinfecting wipes nearby and wipe down the mouse after she’s used it — and if she’ll see you do that, you can say, “Since I started doing this, it’s cut down on how often I get anything going around.” There’s also the option of wearing a mask when she’s training you and saying, “I’m close to someone who gets sick easily and since you’ve got a cough, I’m going to be extra careful.”

I hope you can use the first option of just directly asking her to stop. But the reality is that people often feel awkward about this kind of thing with a boss, especially when they’re new. So the other options are there if you need them.

Related:
my disgusting boss touches and chews on everything on my desk

2. Should I tell our boss that my coworker sucks at managing his team?

I work in tech, and my team is split by areas of ownership. My manager, Dave, oversees me and three others, and we manage one system. Dave also manages Jeb, who leads five other people responsible for a separate system that works closely with ours. Jeb is my peer but he is a manager, while I am not. Despite this, we’re all part of the same team.

I’ve been at the company for seven years, three years longer than Jeb, and had worked with him even before we joined this team. Recently, I’ve heard from Jeb’s direct reports that he’s been difficult to work for. They’ve mentioned personal insults, constant micromanagement, blame shifting, and threats of undocumented performance improvement plans used to intimidate them. This is especially concerning since all of Jeb’s reports are new hires or early in their careers. From what I’ve seen, they are smart, capable, and have the potential to excel if given proper support. Notably, Jeb does not act this way in larger groups or when Dave is present.

Jeb and I, however, have a good relationship. While he can be condescending at times, I’ve brushed it off to maintain professionalism. I believe he respects me due to my tenure and values my input when I push back. Really, his behavior doesn’t impact me because I feel secure and confident in my role and position in the company.

That said, I find his treatment of his reports unacceptable. His team seems hesitant to escalate their concerns, fearing retaliation. One teammate did raise the issue with a senior leader he felt comfortable with, but it seems nothing has changed in Jeb’s approach. I feel awful for those reporting to him and want to help, but I’m unsure how. Dave is relatively new and likely only knows what Jeb has shared about his team, which may be biased. However, Dave seems people-focused, and I doubt he’d tolerate this behavior if he knew the full extent.

I’ve encouraged Jeb’s reports to set up skip-level one-on-ones with Dave to build direct relationships, but I worry that won’t be enough. I’m in a unique position as someone Jeb cannot retaliate against and who has a direct line to leadership. I want to support my teammates without worsening their already challenging dynamic. Should I escalate this to Dave or stay out of it unless asked? What’s the best way to help without causing more harm?

Since it sounds like you trust Dave to handle it well, share what you’ve seen with him. You can frame it as, “I want to pass on something I’m hearing to you in confidence, since I’m not positioned to do anything with it myself.” Do it the same way you’d pass along a less charged work-related concern that Dave would want to be aware of — like “I’m hearing rumors Key Vendor A may be shutting down next year” or “Client B mentioned they’d rather we focus on X, not Y, when we present to them.” You  have relevant information that you have reason to believe Dave would want to be aware of, so go ahead and share it and then leave it to him to decide where to go (if anywhere) from there. As long as your tone is measured and “here’s a potential work issue” rather than “here’s the hot goss on Jeb, who I take delight in badmouthing him,” most decent managers will appreciate a discreet heads-up.

3. How can I tell a friend who’s in a years-long job search that I got a job after a month?

I know that nothing is guaranteed, but about a month after starting a job hunt I appear to be very close to securing a job that will meet the needs of me and my family. I’m excited since it will solve a lot of problems for us, and it would make for a very short and successful job hunt. I’m excited, but I’m also wondering how to be kind around a dear friend of mine in the middle of a years-long, painful, difficult job search that has contained many false starts, dead-ends, and disappointments. Do you have any tips for how to be supportive and helpful around celebrating my job hunt ending quickly while also respecting the difficult and frustrating position they’re in?

Don’t celebrate it around your friend at all; she doesn’t sound like the right audience for your excitement right now. Let her know about the job change once it’s finalized since it would be weird not to, but keep it pretty matter-of-fact — you’re sharing information, not expecting her to celebrate with you.

Alternately, if you’re very close, in some friendships the right move would be to put it all out on the table — “I feel awkward about this and a little guilty since I know how long you’ve been searching, and I don’t want to be celebrating an offer for me when I know you’re having such a frustrating time.” She might reassure you that she’s happy for you and doesn’t want you to hide your excitement for her sake, or she might appreciate you recognizing that.

4. My boss said I couldn’t leave for lunch on a day we had an office party

I recently started a new role and, within two weeks, the deputy director of our department decided we would have a small office party for an employee approaching his last day. The party was about an hour with pizza, drinks, and desserts (provided by staff and company funds). I had an understanding with her that I would always be out-of-office for our company-allotted hour lunches to take care of my dogs’ needs. However, on the day of the party, she informed me that employees couldn’t take a lunch on days we had “parties” and therefore I couldn’t go home. I’ve never held an office job prior to this, so is this normal? Granted, it was over lunchtime, with lunch foods, but it was heavily implied it would be rude to not show up and congratulate this employee on their new role.

No, it’s not normal — and if you’re non-exempt and in a state that requires employees to be given a lunch break, it’s likely not legal either (although it will depend on the exact wording of your state’s law). It would be different if the party was optional and you could choose to spend your lunch hour there or not, but if you’re being told you must attend the party and you can’t have your lunch break before/after it, a lot of states would prohibit that.

You could say this to your boss: “I do need to take my full lunch break to go home every day like we agreed when I was hired — would you rather I do it during the party or after it?”