my partner is angry about how I handled harassment, venting to employees about managers above them, and more by Alison Green on January 24, 2025 It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go… 1. My partner is angry about how I handled harassment at work I’m a woman in finance. Six months ago, I was put into a team with an older male colleague who from day one decided to call me “Legs.” When someone challenged him, he said, “Well, look, she’s got legs up to here!” He gets too close, stares at my boobs, and one time walked past me while I was at my desk and, rather than squeezing my shoulder in passing, he put his hand effectively on the side of my boob and as he walked off his hand brushed off me. Word got back to the directors, he was told off for his behavior, he tried to apologize to me on a work night out, and I told him, “It’s not just what you do, but after you leave the room I become the butt of the joke for the next hour and it’s all totally humiliating.” It all then stopped. Whilst all the harassment stopped after that, he has been difficult to work with because he’s lazy and non-compliant and I have to tidy up all his messes. I’m leaving this job because I have a promotion with a new firm. Since my exit interview, this collegue and I have butted heads on a project and I’ve gone home and vented to my partner. Somehow, all the past sexual harrassment stuff came up and my partner got really, really furious with me for not previously reporting this colleague or doing anything to get this “predator” out of work. He shouted at me and gave me ultimatums of “you’ve got until your last day, otherwise I’ll be contacting the director.” He was so cross he shoved me at one point and said, “You’re a POS, not an advocate for women at all. It’s embarrassing a man has to stick up for women’s rights.” He berated me for making excuses for enabling this colleague. He is a domestic abuse survivor, but I plainly told him this is my situation and my work, and he’s being controlling and overstepping. My partner strongly believes he has a right to advocate for the next woman who’s going to step into my role. How do I handle this? I’m very close to ending my relationship. I’m so sorry — this awful and unfair in a number of different ways. Would you consider calling a domestic violence hotline? I’m so sorry to say it, but I don’t think you can safely stay in this relationship. The verbal abuse and belittling on their own are a reason to leave; the shoving takes it far, far past that line. None of the rest of my answer matters as much as that, but to address the other issues: your partner isn’t “sticking up for women’s rights. Trying to overrule a woman’s autonomy in deciding how to handle a professional situation that affects her is not being an ally to women at all. If he wants to advocate for women, he needs to start by respecting their autonomy and their judgment. If he simply can’t live with how you’ve decided to handle your own work situation, his options are to try to change your perspective respectfully or to leave — not to try to bully you into doing what he wants. 2. Should a top executive be venting to employees about managers above them? My coworker Michael was lateral to me and on my team when I joined about seven years ago. However, in the years since, our CEO has taken a strong liking to him and he has risen through the ranks, to the point where he is now essentially the CEO’s second-in-command in charge of daily operations. Michael does not manage our team, but he is still quite close with many of us and often hangs out with us socially at team lunches and happy hours. Sometimes during these gatherings, he will “vent” to us, often about people or teams far above us — complaining, for example, that VP Jane never shows up to meetings or that X Product Team takes forever to get anything done. He once ranted about how our team’s manager never checks her messages and how various processes she’s implemented make no sense. These are all things that I agree with. They impact my daily workflow, in a way I don’t think they impact his, and hugely frustrate me as well. But I’m finding myself getting annoyed when Michael complains about them, because I don’t have the power to change any of these things as a rank-and-file employee — but he does! He has hiring, firing, and disciplinary power, he’s in high-level meetings, and he could actually do something about these problems! I know that some of these may well be battles that Michael has reasonably decided aren’t worth fighting. Still, is it reasonable to think that Michael is a bit insensitive for making these complaints to us? Not only insensitive, but oddly oblivious to his own position of power and influence, as well as to how “here’s a problem I could try to fix but rather than dealing with it competently, I’m just going to complain” reflects on him. He’s basically advertising his own ineffectiveness. And if he has correctly judged that these aren’t battles worth fighting, then he’s just demonstrating bad judgment in picking you as his audience to vent to. Besides being indiscreet, venting from higher-ups about other higher-ups is bad for people’s morale. What would happen if you started replying, “Don’t you have the authority now to do something about that?” 3. Should I tell my boss about my PMDD? I am four months into a new position in my company. I am past the training stage and am now handling my own accounts and assisting others. I have struggled with ADHD in the past, but have been able to manage it for the past few years with medication. Here’s where the problem comes in: I was diagnosed with PMDD years ago and stopped taking the hormonal birth control that made me stop my period completely. This has caused the hormonal surges and drops that lead to PMDD and it’s beginning to cause issues at work. One super fun side effect of my PMDD is that it makes my ADHD medication essentially useless. A lot of people have been out of work this last week, and trying to handle the extra work while dealing with unmitigated ADHD and terrible mood swings has been a nightmare and I’ve admittedly been ineffective. My boss has scheduled calls to check in and while I’ve been open about feeling overwhelmed, I’m beginning to wonder if I should explain why. During a non-PMDD week, I feel I would’ve been able to handle the higher work load. I’m worried that this is going to leave a lasting impression. I’m beginning to wonder if it would be easier to just explain to my boss that my PMDD wreaked havoc on my ability to focus last week but that I am working with my doctor to find a solution. Is this too much to share? Would it be viewed as making excuses? You don’t need to share that level of detail, and doing so risks opening you up to misunderstandings and biases about PMDD (and ADHD, for that matter). But as with any health issue, it’s enough to just stick to the parts that are pertinent to your boss. So for example: “I want to let you know that I’m having a medication issue that’s affecting my ability to concentrate. I’m working with my doctor to find a solution and I don’t expect it to continue long-term, but I wanted to let you know in case I don’t seem at 100% right now.” Related: should you tell your boss if you’re struggling with mental health issues? 4. How do I move back to a more junior job after covering while a coworker was on leave? For over a year now, I have been covering the job of a colleague while she is on maternity leave. Her maternity leave is due to end soon and in my country she is entitled to her previous job back. I will either need to return to my previous (more junior) role in the organization or to look for a new job elsewhere. How do I prepare to give her her job back without getting possessive or anxious that she will do a better job than I did? How do I navigate taking on a more junior role within the same team? I totally support the rights of working parents but am not sure how to navigate this transition emotionally and practically. It’s hard to feel like you’re moving backwards. But a better way to look at it is that your coworker’s leave can be something that helps you move forward: it gave you something really great to put on your resume, which you can now parlay into a similar position somewhere else. (Or potentially at your current organization if something opens up.) The time you spent covering her job built your skills and gives you evidence of those skills and capabilities, and that should make getting the next job easier. Doing higher-level work can also help you do more junior roles at a higher level than you were doing them previously; you probably have a more nuanced understanding of the priorities, constraints, and politics of management above you and that broadened perspective can influence the way you approach your job now. You also might think about what you did and didn’t like about the work you were covering and use that to refine what you want next (as well as where your biggest challenges were, if those are areas you want to develop in). Last, are there opportunities to bring the skills you’ve built in the last year back to your current team in a new way? If so, consider talking to your boss about places where those could be helpful. 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Daria grace* January 24, 2025 at 12:13 am #1 I’m sorry you have had to deal with mistreatment at both home and work. How you handled things at work was fine but even if you’d totally mishandled everything at work it is absolutely not okay for your partner to demean you, shove you or interfere in your professional relationships. While no doubt his trauma from his own domestic violence experiences is genuinely difficult, that does not give him any licence to be the domestic violence perpetrator he has become. I agree with Alison, it’s important that you talk to a professional about this as his behavior is extremely alarming. An plan to exit the relationship and your shared living & financial arrangements would be good to have even if you don’t act on it immediately Reply ↓
D* January 24, 2025 at 1:52 am OP1 – your partner’s reaction is waaay off and I think you know that, so I won’t belabor it any further. Having been through similar experiences I do find guys can be sooooo judgy about not reporting this stuff, but they have zero appreaciation of what its like to have to live with the fall out at work. I’m finding that an awful lot of the work of improving the workplace culture is being thrust on the same women who are wearing the brunt of the bad behaviours. I pushed back hard on that when my company went through an audit and uncovered all sorts of assaults, harrasment and bias throughout. I pushed for a ”see it & say something” campaign – i.e. instead of only reacting to incidents (and therefore putting the onus on women to take everything through formal reports), the men needed to pay far more attention and call out bad behaviour, ideally in the moment. It should be incumbent on everyone in the workplace to stand up for others. Otherwise, if you’re the only woman in the room and you’re the one continually being harrassed, you’re also then the only one who is always reporting it and then it seems like you’re the whiny one… which just makes it so much worse. Sadly, while guys agreed to what I was saying nothing actually changed. Not once did I ever see a guy tell another guy to knock it off when behaving badly. My effort was also… unhelpful… to my career. (And of course this logic applies in various permutations to other forms of discrimination, I have just worded this relevant to the situation described). Reply ↓
Not your typical admin* January 24, 2025 at 12:22 am LW 1 – I’m so sorry you’re faced that situation at work, am so happy you’ve found a new job. I just have to say, your partner is totally wrong. This is a situation where they should be mad FOR you, not AT you. Their role should be to listen, and support you as you make decisions in how to handle a situation. Belittling you, calling you names, and shoving you is beyond wrong. I highly encourage you to get somewhere safe, and surround yourself with people who support you. Reply ↓
No Flying Monkeys* January 24, 2025 at 12:38 am LW 1 – it’s hard to know without more context but there’s something about his reaction that screams possessiveness to me, like someone else had sexual access to you (by sexually harassing you) and that interferes with his sense that he has sole entitlement to you. If that is the the case, it’s a huge red flag (along with everything else you describe about his behaviour which is basically just a list of red flags). Unfortunately some domestic abuse survivors, especially men, find themselves repeating the behaviours that were imposed on them as victims. This is very sad but it doesn’t excuse their violence. It’s also not something that you can do anything about. What you can do something about is protecting yourself, by getting to safety. Reply ↓
Dark Macadamia* January 24, 2025 at 1:03 am This was my thought too. Like how dare you “let” someone touch/sexualize you as if it’s something she can control. It’s unfortunately a thing that abusive men sometimes adopt the language/trappings of feminism (or therapy, etc) to present themselves publicly as an ally and/or gaslight the women they’re mistreating. I really hope you’re safe, LW. Reply ↓
RC* January 24, 2025 at 2:00 am Yes, this. Possessiveness and dehumanizing, not allyship at all. You are an adult who is allowed to make your own decisions on how you want to deal with work issues. You don’t have to tolerate that behavior at all, and please be safe (there’s a lot of good info in other comments). Reply ↓
Metal Gru* January 24, 2025 at 1:09 am Yes, I came here to write this (and then saw your comment). I feel strongly that the “not a good advocate for women” is a smoke screen and the real reason he’s so angry is because some dude looked at his partner (LW) like that. Reply ↓
Worldwalker* January 24, 2025 at 2:46 am Cycles repeat. People who abuse their children were nearly always abused as children. People do to others what was done to them. Which is why I chose not to have children. Reply ↓
Anon for CA* January 24, 2025 at 2:58 am Newer research doesn’t necessarily bear this out. It seems that *witnessing* abuse in the family and not being the primary target may sometimes lead to that reaction, but it does not seem to be as clear-cut as “abused end up as abusers”. Will check later if I can find that study and link it. Your decision is your own, Worldwalker, and having made a similar one I certainly understand where you are coming from. I just don’t think we are eternally tainted somehow or inevitably cursed to be exactly like our parents. I hope the pain eases for you. Reply ↓
Oui oui oui all the way home* January 24, 2025 at 12:41 am Wishing you peace and love LW 1. I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing from your partner. Hugs. Reply ↓
Bruce* January 24, 2025 at 12:45 am LW1: So many red flags. Not OK for your partner to lay hands on you or try to bully you. My late wife had a couple of gropers at her job, she handled them with more physical force than you did but she had a black belt and knew how to apply pain holds >:-) (I knew from her practicing on me!) You get to choose what feels safe and effective to you, he needs to butt out. I’d suggest couples counseling but only if you feel safe even bringing it up! Dude is on thin ice. Reply ↓
Observer* January 24, 2025 at 1:12 am I’d suggest couples counseling but only if you feel safe even bringing it up! No. People like that are quite good at weaponizing that kind of therapy unless the therapist is REALLY good. In which case they will either dismiss the couple, partner is going to drop out, or the therapist will tell LW to get out of the relationship. Reply ↓
I&I* January 24, 2025 at 1:44 am If a man shoves his partner, it’s past the point for couples counselling. Couples counselling is for two people of equal good will who have issues they want to resolve to their mutual benefit. This is a case of one person having done absolutely nothing wrong and the other person bullying and assaulting her. The best thing a couples counsellor could do would be to tell them they were in the wrong room and refer them for separate counselling, her for support and him for abusive thinking. Anything else would support his abuse by framing it as a mutual issue. Reply ↓
Worldwalker* January 24, 2025 at 12:46 am LW1, that relationship is not safe. Aside from your partner’s total lack of respect for you and all women, he laid hands on you! That’s a Red-Square-on-May-Day level of red flags. Reply ↓
I’ve got the shrimp!* January 24, 2025 at 12:54 am LW1 I have the feeling the response you’ve received is likely not one you were expecting so I just want to give you some internet hugs. (I also completely agree with Alison’s comments. I can’t imagine how you must feel reading this but please know that this internet stranger believes in you!) Reply ↓
ThrowawayDVworker* January 24, 2025 at 1:03 am Domestic violence worker by trade here. LW1, you deserve to be safe and you deserve to be supported. Escalating from verbal to physical is a really dangerous sign. I see a lot in my work that women “don’t want to bother us” with stuff that “isn’t that bad.” I get that minimisation is a coping strategy – it was certainly mine as a DV survivor. We get up and we do our jobs every day to support any woman who needs us (in the women’s space, there are also services for men and my service supports non-binary folks as well, and 99.9% of workers at least where I am are incredibly supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community, I’m gay myself.) It’s really not a competition of who has it the worst. Please know that there are passionate, skilled and dedicated workers who would be overjoyed to assist you with whatever you need. We can assist with safety planning, exit planning, ongoing housing and financial support, counselling, security upgrades, reporting to Police and obtaining a protection order, etc etc. We will support you to be safe even if you’re not ready to leave the relationship, but the escalation to physical violence is really concerning. A lot of people ask me if I work at a refuge – I don’t, and refuge would be less than 1% of the clients that we support. I would also run a safety check on your phone – in iOS you can go to settings and select “safety check” which will show you what you’re sharing with who, and on Android it’s under “Security and Privacy”, again in settings. Using a friends’ device or a public device (or your work one) is the safest way to search for info. You could also set up a code word with your loved one’s, something like “apples”, which can mean “I need you to come over/call the Police.” I don’t know the specifics so this is all really general advice, but I do encourage you definitely to talk to a professional. The worst outcome on calling one of us is you waste half an hour of your time with advice you don’t take, and the worst things that can happen if you don’t call us are much more dangerous to your safety and wellbeing. I’d also look up DARVO which was coined by Jennifer Friedman – it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Multiple tips are available online as well. I’m sure this thread is going to be well-moderated, but due diligence requires me to say please don’t share any other people’s stories (e.g. my sister/cousin/friend went through X), anything triggering, or anything that could discourage someone reaching out for help in an unsafe situation. LW1, you’ve clearly got some incredible strength and judgement on not tolerating sexist BS and on keeping yourself safe. Your local DV workers are there to support you with what you want and how you want to do things. Reply ↓
Ellis Bell* January 24, 2025 at 2:04 am I was struck by the DARVO dynamic as well; he’s made himself the victim so he can shove OP and call her a piece of shit, simply because she’s getting herself out of an unsafe situation after tackling it responsibly. I’m not sure what she is supposed to do this guy so that there is never “a next victim” in his future, but he’s certainly made sure there’s another offender in OP’s life. Reply ↓
Lozi* January 24, 2025 at 2:07 am thank you for sharing all this … what great info. LW, we see you, we hear you, and we want to support you. Reply ↓
Mockingbird* January 24, 2025 at 1:03 am LW1, it sounds like you handled the creep at work just fine. He got disciplined, you’ve gotten a better job somewhere else. The higher ups did hear about his behavior, and if he hasn’t been fired for the ways he’s bad at his job that you’ve had to clean up after, they wouldn’t have done it for sexual harassment either. I agree with other commenters that your partner’s behavior is more worrying. It’s very controlling, and he escalated. Even people who’ve been victims of abuse can be abusive. If you’re not in therapy, it would be a good idea to start the process. I know from experience it can be hard to leave such a relationship, and it helps to have someone who can help you work through all the feelings that come with trying to, and when you do. Reply ↓
Observer* January 24, 2025 at 1:06 am #1 – Harassment I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with Allison 100% I don’t think your relationship is salvageable. The idea that he’s being an “ally” by *threatening you* is beyond absurd, and a relationship killer all on its own. The same is true for the shove. Together? This is not salvageable. As for contacting the director, he’s being ridiculous. But it’s not your problem. You’re leaving. So even if anyone there decides that it’s somehow your fault, there is nothing they can do to you. I’m sorry you had to deal with this jerk, with a company who is not doing what it needs to to keep their staff safe and a really terrible partner. PS Being a survivor of domestic abuse does not come close to excusing his behavior. It’s even really an explanation. Reply ↓
Southern Violet* January 24, 2025 at 1:08 am #1 Your boyfriend sucks and is abusive and isnt going to change. Get to somewhere safe as soon as you can. Good luck. Reply ↓
TheBunny* January 24, 2025 at 1:13 am #1 I’m so sorry. Your partner, as Alison said, is abusive. You handled the harassment in a way that worked for you. He’s hiding misogyny, abuse, and controlling behavior behind the guise of being an ally. Please at least make a plan on how to leave and be ready to protect yourself. I’ve been where you are. It doesn’t get better until you get out. Sending love. Reply ↓
Lanam* January 24, 2025 at 1:59 am LW #1: You have now seen how your partner handles extreme stress and disagreements with you, at minimum. I urge you to consider if you will accept this treatment from him long-term, and I hope you won’t. He will apologize and grovel and promise not to do it again, and he will sincerely mean it. But past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He will do this again, possibly much worse. Shoving your loved one is never ever justified except in self defense. Berating and degrading you in the name of feminism reeks severely misguided principles rooted in wanting to “take control” and not in respecting your autonomy and your boundaries on YOUR life and YOUR work. Can you imagine giving him an ultimatum about going to his HR at his job, and how he’d take that? To be clear, even if you later end up believing he was right and you should have reported the misogynistic boss, that does NOT mean your partner’s abusive behavior now should be excused. His argument and his behavior (the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the disrespect) are independent of each other. I wish you luck. Reply ↓
Jill Swinburne* January 24, 2025 at 2:28 am Obviously echoing everyone else here, but I really want to stress that LW1’s partner’s behaviour and reaction is NOT normal. You handled the work situation fine, and more importantly, you handled it in the way that you believed was best, because it was yours to handle. What your partner is doing is domestic abuse, no ifs or buts, and it’s really alarming that it’s escalated to physical abuse. I know sometimes it’s hard to see when you’re in the thick of it, but please take on board all the excellent advice here. Please make a plan to get out safely, and good luck. I hope there’s an update from you in a few months or years to say that you’re out of the relationship and doing great. Reply ↓
hazel herds cats* January 24, 2025 at 3:01 am LW1, please call 1-800-799-7233, the national domestic violence hotline (also at thehotline.org) now. Today. You can build a life in which you come home every day to a home that is a sanctuary. We can help. Please call. Reply ↓
Bob* January 24, 2025 at 3:04 am Black Jesus.. my partner physically abused me because he didn’t like how I handled a situation at work. Get safe and get gone! Reply ↓