should I call out a vulture who takes way more than his share of food at meetings?

by Alison Green on January 7, 2025

A reader writes:

I work at a small college, and part of my job involves working with new faculty. I have one new faculty member who is well on his way to becoming known as a vulture on campus.

My events for new faculty often involve food in addition to programming, and this faculty member (we’ll call him Bruno) will eat a hearty meal and then leave with a substantial to-go plate plus an unopened drink for later. Recently, I was hosting two lunch meetings back-to-back, and to prevent attendees from the first meeting from taking to-go plates, I started covering the food. Bruno watched me put the covers on most of the items and asked me if he could help me clean up. It was clear that he wanted to be invited to take some food with him. When I explained that I had ordered extra food for the next meeting, he proceeded to help himself to a large plate of the desserts that I didn’t have a chance to cover, going so far as to take all of one of the desserts that remained.

While this is irritating to me, I was going to let it slide until a colleague in a different office told me that she had had similar experiences with Bruno and that she found his behavior off-putting. In her case, he was at a well-attended event her office was hosting, and while it was still going on, he left with a full plate of snacks, as well as two cans of sparkling water stuffed in his pockets.

Bruno is a full-time faculty member, so I don’t think need or food insecurity is causing this behavior. He is just out of graduate school, so perhaps he is used to taking food at the end of events. Also, the events I host usually have lots of leftovers (I will often encourage people to take food when I don’t have another event the same day), so he might be under the impression that food at all events is up for grabs.

However, taking food while an event is still going on might mean that attendees who come later will miss out. Also, taking shelf-stable goods, such as drinks that could be used later, is a strain on our budgets and time, since we must replenish these items more often than necessary.

Finally, I am worried that Bruno is developing a reputation for being a mooch or vulture. While there are worse things to be called, this is not the best way for him to begin his career in academia (particularly at an institution where everyone knows each other).

I’m not Bruno’s manager, but I am his mentor, and I feel compelled to talk to him and gently suggest that he ask before assuming that all events allow attendees to take anything they want when they leave. Is this reasonable, or should I just let this go? I recognize that this need might be coming from my own annoyance and Bruno’s behavior might not be the problem I think it is.

Please talk to him. You’ll be doing him a favor, because you’re absolutely right that he’s going to get a reputation for boorish behavior (and in fact may already have one). But even aside from doing him a favor, you should talk to him because there are work-related reasons to tell him to lay off: the budget strain you mentioned, plus the people who aren’t getting food at later meetings because he’s taking extras for himself.

Plus, while anyone who sees Bruno swiping food would have the standing to tell him to knock it off and leave some for others, you have special standing to do it as his mentor.

There are two ways to approach it. One is to simply speak up the next time you see him trying to make off with extra food. For example: “Please don’t take extras with you; this food needs to feed the next meeting too.” Or: “Please just take what you’ll eat during the meeting. We don’t have enough for people to take leftovers with them.”

The other option is to talk with him privately and say something like, “Since you’re a new faculty member, I want to make sure you know the expectations for food at events. Food is usually for the duration of the event only — you shouldn’t take food or drinks with you for later unless the organizer explicitly offers it. Otherwise we risk not having enough for people who come later, and we often save non-perishables like sodas for future events.” If he seems abashed, you might be able to stop there. But if he doesn’t, you could add, “When we do have extras to offer, we’ll usually offer them to students first (if that’s true). It’s not good for a faculty member to get a reputation for taking more than their share.”

He might be embarrassed by being called out (although often people who do this are fairly shameless about it) but who knows, he might appreciate having the expectations clearly spelled out. Either way, it’s something you should address, particularly now that you’re aware it’s a pattern.

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{ 270 comments }

{ 270 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ladybird*

    I don’t think he’s going to be embarrassed. I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.
    You should still talk to him though

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      1. Smorgas-boor*

        I had to remind myself of this after I returned from a student-on-a-severe-budget trip from overseas. At hostels, I’d been shamelessly pocketing untouched leftovers to use for a later meal. When I noticed that impetus at a cafe after I returned, I knew I needed an immediate reset!
        Bruno might be too clueless to realize there is a different standard at a different phase in his life.

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        1. Hello*

          Yeah it takes a while to get over that! I had a job where it was well known I was severely underpaid – so much so I pretty much got 1st dibs at all leftovers.

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        1. Kim*

          You don’t know their background though. It costs nothing to be kind. They may be uncouth or rude but they could also have poverty and/or food insecurity in their background.

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    2. AnotherOne*

      I sorta wonder if LW wouldn’t be better having someone else who is faculty talk to him.

      But I agree- he needs to be told this isn’t okay.

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      1. HonorBox*

        If LW is his mentor, they have standing to say something. But if he reacts poorly or the behavior doesn’t stop, LW can surely raise this issue with Bruno’s department chair.

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          1. Academic Hellscape*

            I want to add, especially since he is new faculty. There’s a mindshift that needs to occur during that transition. This is part of it. (And I was once a starving grad student so I sympathize. I also always send any extra food from events home with students -then faculty can have some. That’s the “free extra food” priority listing.

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            1. GreenDoor*

              Came to say the same. He may still be stuck in ‘poor college student’ mode. I would even go so far as to say, “Taking more than your fair share of food with no regard for the next group (or the budget, or whatever) *is not a good look and will affect your reputation as a professional*. Typically the staff don’t take leftovers unless they are invited to.” It might not yet occur to him that people are looking at him differently then they’d look at a student.

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            2. KatieP*

              Like GreenDoor, I came to say the same.

              At our institution, when a Grad Assistant transitions to faculty, they go from making about $30K per year, to closer to $80K. They also go from being told to take as much food as they need after an event, to being expected to leave food for starving students. It may take some time to get over their food insecurity.

              Unfortunately, this means that there’s less food available after events to hand-off to students who are still making $30K per year. Perhaps pointing this out to him will help him revise his behavior.

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      2. zuzu*

        He needs to be told that this may affect his chances at tenure. That may be the only thing that gets him to stop.

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        2. Slinky*

          Er, will it? I’m tenured faculty and no part of my dossier would reflect taking food from meetings. Not saying his behavior is okay, of course, but IME it would be bizarre for this to affect tenure.

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          1. Polly Hedron*

            Not by itself, but I suspect it’s part of a larger behavior pattern that could indeed affect tenure.

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          2. fhqwhgads*

            I didn’t read that as meaning it will actually affect tenure, just that saying that might be the only way to convince him to stop.

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          3. Artemesia*

            People who are regarded as jerks and bores may find people less sympathetic to their tenure bid. Tenure is complicated and not automatic and the precise requirements are always fuzzy at the edges. Unless he is a major rainmaker and very well regarded scholar, being unlikable or greedy or a giant DB may incline people against making him a permanent colleague.

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          4. Mgguy*

            I was nearly denied tenure because I pissed the wrong person off for taking legally-protected leave.

            And no, I wouldn’t have been denied on the basis of taking leave(I can’t imagine anyone being stupid enough to put that in a denial) BUT pissing off the wrong person got me put under the microscope and I had even minor “infractions”(really things that were common practice and that my peer mentors had told me were fine or encouraged me to do) written up and counted against me.

            Ultimately I came through it successfully, but getting a bad reputation for whatever reason, or getting a bad reputation with the right(wrong) person definitely can impact your chances. That’s especially true if that person has a lot of influence-in my case it was a vice president and basically the equivalent of provost at my school-and they can in turn negative influence how other people view you.

            As I was told many times, the safest thing a tenure-track faculty member can do is not do anything to draw attention to themselves, and if you do draw attention to yourself make sure it’s for something REALLY good.

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          5. StarTrek Nutcase*

            Oh, if only the biggest issue with problematic not-yet tenured professors was taking extra food! “Issues” generally only matter if they rise to PR disasters or impinge upon valued tenured faculty. Even then, if the PITA secures significant research funds, issues will be hidden or ignored until the FBI shows up. Ask me how I know!

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        3. Faculty*

          This would be like item 1,037,921 on the list of factors that would influence his tenure decision, if it’s on that list at all.

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      3. Just Another Cog*

        Also, I think he needs to be told at once, not when he’s busy taking food at another event. OP will just be prolonging their agony by having to watch for the moment he starts loading up his plate and pockets at another meeting. I think ripping off the bandaid using Alison’s script, should do the trick – unless he’s a jackwad, then who knows? Can’t wait for the update to this one!

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        1. Goody*

          Absolutely agreed with this, but OP (and perhaps the other organizers) will also need to be prepared for a reminder at the next several meetings.

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    3. JSPA*

      It can be hard to break the grad student habit, and obliviousness often goes hand in hand with a career arc that takes you directly from grad school to a faculty position.

      Alternatively, if he’s junior / contract teaching faculty, depending on the institution, he may be paid as little as 50% more than grad school stipends–which are hardly handsome–and also be paying off student loans. And thus still be tight on funds. So that’s also a conversation to have, in case the institution’s pay scale is problematic.

      Reply ↓
    4. Momma Bear*

      Embarrassed or not, this was not only noticed by LW (who is his mentor) but by other staff. LW should talk to him about it for sure and even be direct and specific. Tell him the impact of his actions – that you don’t have the budget for the extras, that you need to have enough for the next meeting or it will reflect badly on your department, etc. Clarify when it is or is not acceptable to take extra.

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    5. Cookie*

      I agree. I would like an update on this mooch. We had to call out people from another department coming over and eating our food uninvited. They’d clean us out.

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  2. Nia*

    He’s not going to be embarrassed. He took all of a dessert after being specifically told that food was being saved for the next meeting. He’s just going to get loud and belligerent about being called out.

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    1. Antilles*

      Perhaps, but it’s still useful to directly call him out on it. First off, even if he tries to argue back, it clues him into “and I’m on to you…” and sometimes that can solve an issue itself. But even if it doesn’t, the fact you’ve already discussed it gives OP more ammo to elevate it up the chain.

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    2. PhyllisB*

      Yes, we used to have someone at our church who would do this at our Wednesday night suppers. It’s fine to take leftovers when everyone is finished, but one night the grandkids and I were a bit late getting there ( five or ten minutes.) The meal was pizza and when we got there (people were still fixing plates) and she was taking whole pizzas and shoveling them into a bucket for her dogs!! There was nothing left. I had to go to the nearby convenience store and get us BBQ sandwiches. Luckily the grandkids thought this was awesome. I was livid though. I mentioned to the pastors wife I was going to say something to her. Nothing rude, but just reminding her to make sure everyone is finished. Pastor’s wife forbid me because she didn’t want to “offend anyone.” But a number of folks didn’t get to eat that night.

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      1. Harriet Jones, Prime Minister*

        Pastor’s wife forbid me because she didn’t want to “offend anyone.”

        This bugs me so much. She didn’t want to offend anyone…except you, apparently, even though you were standing right there telling her you were offended. Argh.

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        1. HonorBox*

          Yes. Don’t offend the person who is offending others, while several others didn’t get anything.

          Interesting that this occurred at a church. I had a priest talk about how so much of the Bible’s teachings were really rules about “hospitality” … no hospitality in this situation from the church.

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          1. Another Kristin*

            Have you ever been in a church parking lot after a crowded mass? It’s clear that the lessons about sharing and kindness don’t seem to sink in.

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        2. Phony Genius*

          Translation: “I do not want to offend anybody with my words, no matter how many people are offended by my silence.”

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          2. Moira's Rose's Garden*

            Love this. Especially because people are often *harmed* by silence from those with social capital, not just offended. And as someone who grew up depending somewhat on supplemental meals from places like schools & churches, not getting to eat a supper meal has the risk of being a pretty impactful harm!

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          3. Statler von Waldorf*

            I’m so stealing this quote, it’s a great summary on how the trolley problem actually plays out in real life.

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        3. Crencestre*

          I don’t understand why the pastor’s wife had the power to “forbid” you to speak to someone who was stealing food. Was she your employer? Your manager? No? Then she had zip right to order you around!

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          1. Phony Genius*

            In some churches, if you disobey the pastor’s wife (or the pastor, for that matter), you’ll be asked to leave the church. Either for that one event, or possibly permanently.

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            2. Almost Empty Nester*

              Truth. In a church I previously attended, the pastor fired a children’s church coordinator because she wouldn’t change the rules for her kids. Tore the whole church apart and it’s never really fully recovered. That pastor was transferred to a different church shortly after because the membership just totally tanked.

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          2. Eisbaer*

            I’m with you and I also don’t understand why the pastor’s wife would have had the power to do anything about the food-stealer. I’m the daughter of a pastor and his wife and my mother certainly had no authority over church members.

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      2. I Have RBF*

        … and she was taking whole pizzas and shoveling them into a bucket for her dogs!!

        What an ass. She was taking food away from people to feed to her dogs. It would be bad enough if she hogged “leftovers” that weren’t actually leftover for her family to eat later – that can be a food insecurity issue – but taking people food before people are done eating for her dogs? Horrible. I’d have said something, because the pastor’s wife is a doormat.

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        1. A Cita*

          Agreed and also, it’s not up to pastor’s wife to allow or forbid. Feel free and easy to confront the dog poisoner (meant tongue in cheek) because you know the wife won’t say anything to you about it because she’ll be to afraid of offending you.

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          1. JSPA*

            I’m not even sure it’s hyperbole or a joke. There’s generally some granulated or onion and garlic in Pizza toppings, which is of course toxic to dogs, and oregano is also somewhat toxic. Sounds bad for all involved.

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            1. Dust Bunny*

              Also, that much dairy can give dogs the [unpleasant lower GI effects] or possibly pancreatitis, which is not a joke.

              But aside from that, this woman was a massive jerk and the pastor’s wife was a wimp.

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          1. Heffalump*

            Dollars to doughnuts she won’t say, “I shouldn’t have taken all those pizzas at other people’s expense.” She’ll say, “I shouldn’t have fed them to my dogs.”

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          1. Selina Luna*

            This is not true. While tomato PLANTS (as well as pepper plants, potatoes, and blueberries) are toxic to dogs in large amounts, the fruits of these plants are just fine, so long as they’re fully ripe (except for potatoes, but we don’t eat the fruits of potatoes anyway).
            I know that all of these plants are members of the “nightshade” family (along with eggplants and a few others beyond these), but the fruits are not toxic to dogs. I did confirm this with AKC, and for all that I disagree with their practices with breeds, they’re quite well-informed about what dogs can ingest.

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          2. CommanderBanana*

            Tomatoes are not toxic to dogs.

            YMMV with what your dog can/should eat (my dog loves certain foods that are totally fine for her except she gets stinky toots, including some well-known dog chew brands).

            But feeding pizza to a dog is not a great idea, because it’s generally going to have garlic and onions, which are toxic to dogs, plus too much salt and dairy. I am a total hypocrite because I will take a litttttttttle bit of cheese and crust off pizza for my dog, because the no-human-food-for-the-dog ship has sailed, caught fire, and sunk, but I certainly wouldn’t let her go ham on a whole pizza.

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      4. goddessoftransitory*

        So it’s okay to offend multiple people by saying “she’s taking food you didn’t get to eat home to her dogs,” but…?

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        1. Antilles*

          I’m sure the pastor’s wife wasn’t thinking it through to that extent. She was simply hoping that if nobody says anything, it would just fade into the background which is better than spotlighting it and potentially having pizza-thief create a whole scene.
          Of course, the likely result is that people left hungry and just never came back, but since that happens “off-screen” (so to speak), the pastor’s wife never really needs to think about that.

          Reply ↓
      5. Falling Diphthong*

        Someone had a saying for this, along the lines of “When you are kind to the cruel, you are cruel to the kind.” Meaning if you didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person hurting other people, the end result is being cruel to those people.

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      6. ReallyBadPerson*

        My church still has someone like this! He will rush down to the potluck after the service and load up his plate, then hover at the end, helping to “clean” up by taking home anything that isn’t nailed down. But the people in charge of hospitality are onto him and have a few workarounds, such as calling people up by table and making sure his table is not first, asking everyone to hold back until the pastor and others get down to the fellowship hall, etc., because speaking to the guy directly did not work. He literally does not care.

        Your pastor’s wife is wrong. It’s often the right thing to do to correct anti-social behavior. Keeping quiet only enables it and harms a lot more people.

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      8. Dek*

        Wild that the pastor’s wife didn’t care about folks who didn’t get to eat that night as much as not making that one lady feel called out for her bad behavior.

        Also, who tf gives pizza to their dogs? Like, deliberately and a whole lot of it. That’s a TERRIBLE thing to feed a dog, and I’d call her out on that alone.

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    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Learning that getting loud and belligerent with one’s mentor is a very very bad look might have to be the next lesson he learns, unfortunately.

      Right now this could be nipped in the bud. If Bruno decides to take it next level it might become a “controlled burn” situation where his direct chair gets involved, and his rep isn’t going to gain from that.

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      1. duinath*

        Yeah, this isn’t something that should be allowed to pass, but it isn’t something that should be adressed with more than a talk.

        Yet.

        If things escalate, they escalate, but starting off by acting like this was an oversight or misunderstanding, and once he’s been made aware he’ll stop is the best thing to do imo.

        Even if that’s not the case, giving him the *opportunity* doesn’t hurt.

        Reply ↓
    4. Lacey*

      Yup. But I still think the OP should say something. At least it takes “I didn’t realize” off the table.

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    5. Jellyfish Catcher*

      Plan to approach this, when there are other faculty/ people around; be clear and calmly call him out.
      Before hand, have another member there have security’s number available who calls immediately if he becomes loud, belligerent or takes off with another dessert tray.

      He knows what he’s doing. The belligerence shows that this isn’t about food, it’s about control, entitlement – in front of his mentor!
      You need to gain back control and respect, or transfer him to a mentor who would be more effective with him.
      You can do this.

      Reply ↓
      1. Orange Line Avenger*

        This is a really adversarial approach, and I think it’s a mistake.

        It’s hard to have a productive conversation if you go in assuming the absolute worse of the other person, and it’s just plain mean to set up a conversation to try to shame a new, inexperienced colleague in front of their peers in order to “gain back control.”

        So far, the LW hasn’t clearly and directly told Bruno that his behavior is a problem and he needs to stop. They’ve said it indirectly and hoped that he’d pick up on the social cues, but he hasn’t. It’s time to spell it out in simple English and give him the chance to self-correct. It’s extremely possible that Bruno is just genuinely clueless–he might still be in a grad student scarcity mindset, he might have come from a different institution where his behavior was normal and acceptable. Assuming that he’s deliberately and belligerently stealing food because he’s an asshole and trying to publicly shame him before ever having a plain conversation with him is a good way for the LW to tank their own reputation.

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        1. Yankees fans are awesome*

          I’m curious where his behavior would be “normal and acceptable.” I mean, what about the majority of graduate students who know better than Bruno and act like it?

          Of course he’s being deliberate, and he needs to be called out on it.

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          1. New Jack Karyn*

            I did a term of service with AmeriCorps, and I was explicitly encouraged to snag leftovers from meetings for future lunches.

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          2. Allonge*

            I think you are missing the point a bit: even if you are right that he is deliberate and is moustache-twirling about it, there is nothing to be gained by starting off the conversation about this with an attitude.

            Escalating is easy, de-escalating is hard. Escalate only if necessary; otherwise let him stop doing this but save face. LW needs to solve the problem, not just win an argument.

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      2. Dek*

        This seems…like a lot. I wouldn’t do it with other people around at all, unless you first speak to him privately and he keeps doing it.

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    6. Ohio Duck*

      Why say this if you don’t have any advice to go with it? Otherwise it’s just more comment section unpleasantness

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    7. River*

      Loud and belligerent? Based on what makes you say that? Who knows, he might be extremely embarrassed especially if he recently started working there. I don’t think he’s going to react in a way that will perceive him in a bad light. Taking more food, not good optics. But I doubt that he will want to add more to his plate.

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  3. Yankees fans are awesome*

    He’s letting himself get away with it until someone tells him not to. Unfortunately, LW, it looks like you’re that someone. I wish the Brunos of the world would exercise basic manners on their own rather than pushing boundaries just for the heck of it. What jerk behavior.

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    1. NothingIsLittle*

      Might not necessarily be true. One of my previous coworkers was fired for, among other more egregious issues, taking large amounts of food from events even after being told he couldn’t. Some people are just oblivious that they oughtn’t get seconds before others get firsts, some people rely on calling them out being awkward so they won’t be stopped, and some people just don’t care and will prioritize themselves regardless.

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      1. Petty Crocker*

        At a previous job, I took over the annual Giant Event as part of my job duties. One of the main pain points with catering was the food hoarders. I solved it by bringing in cater waiters and taking away self-serve. One of the worst offenders grumbled at me afterward about it and I simply said, “blame yourself–we got several written complaints about you walking away with 6 chicken breasts piled on your plate at last year’s event, a few emailed me photos.”

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    2. Ally McBeal*

      Yep. I used to work on Wall Street in a low-level admin/marketing function, and the greed of the more senior people, who at minimum made twice my salary, astonished me. They would empty catering platters, for client meetings they weren’t even in, before the meetings concluded (nevermind that the low-paid admin who ordered the lunch hadn’t eaten yet). At one point an exec started a tradition of bringing in bagels once a week, and it took all of two weeks for people to start complaining about wanting TOASTED bagels, so I spent $15 of my own money for a cheap toaster, at which point they immediately started complaining about having to use knives to slice their bagels instead of having a slicer. So I replied every time that they could buy one like I’d bought the toaster. Reminds me of that old “magic fish” fable where the fisherman and his wife started getting greedy and ended up with nothing in the end, except my coworkers still have plenty in their pockets.

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  4. Former professor*

    I think being a *new* faculty member is a really key detail. The norm of grad students descending like locusts on any free food is super strong and it definitely took me some conscious effort to recognize that once I got a job as a faculty member that was no longer appropriate and I should hang back and not take extras/’to go’. I think that framing it as a “hey, there are a lot of little mindset shifts that come from being faculty instead of a student, and one of them is to not pounce on free food” could be helpful, along with the details about how often the food is intended for multiple events, so the remaining amount isn’t actually a ‘leftover’ that’s up for grabs.

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    1. Butterfly Counter*

      While I am always aghast at people who take more than their share in these situations, I’m feeling a little more forgiving of Bruno.

      Being new faculty, likely just out of grad school, he might still be in the “get the free food while you can” mindset. It’s not so easy to shake. And new faculty don’t always actually make all that much money. In shifting from grad-school-poor to middle-class-poor with the new salary, he might still be figuring out his budget and stuck thinking that food is where he can save some pennies.

      Not to say his behavior is appropriate. I agree with Alison that pulling him aside and saying something to him along the lines of, “It’s actually a really bad look for full-time faculty to be taking home a lot of the leftovers before the students and staff get first dibs. In a school this small, it will earn you a poor reputation that may limit future collaborations and advancements.” The mentor can soften this up a bit with, “Most of us remember what it was like being a poor grad student and it’s hard to break those habits. But for now, wait for perishable leftovers to go to those who may need it more, then you can take your share.”

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        He might still be in the “get the free food while you can” mindset.

        Exactly. Humans are really good at adapting themselves to social norms, and this is a common one. Some people are not good at recognizing that the context around a formerly acceptable behavior has shifted, and then it’s kind for their mentors to point that out.

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      2. anon4this*

        True, but he should still be told. Where my partner works students get first dibs at leftovers. After students then admins/post docs get second dibs on leftovers.

        Also, faculty have options to get free food or extra $ elsewhere. A friend is a newish faculty and they became an advisor and are meant to eat with students at a specific dining hall. They get a ton of free meal swipes (including for their family) and they get paid a one-time extra (in the thousands) to do that role. This faculty member who owns a home (with a mortgage through the university), did it in part to save money. The food is very good at that university and they were able to bring friends at the end of the semester when their swipes would go away. This was allowed and encouraged at this university.

        So if Bruno wants more food maybe he should be involved in more to get it? Also, getting one free meal should be good. When I was a grad student even if I saw a new faculty taking left over food after eating lunch I would question that unless they were taking it back to their office after giving a talk or something.

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    2. MicroManagered*

      I came here to say this. I work in academia, and culture with grad students / student employees is definitely “take all the free food you can fit in your pockets.”

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        There are many areas, often in the arts, where it’s understood you line your bag with grease/heatproof something and get ready to shovel at any buffet. I remember one commenter on another board saying that one of her journalism mentors told her that any reporter who turned down free food or drinks would be summarily drummed out of the profession. The original post was about watching two famous, well paid actors turn into human Roombas when confronting a table of nibbles.

        However–that is still a habit that needs breaking even if you are rich/famous enough to think you can have it written off as “eccentric,” and most of us are nowhere near that level.

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        1. MicroManagered*

          that is still a habit that needs breaking

          For sure! I was trying to point out that this comes from inexperience / professional naïveté rather than an egregious personal issue with Bruno.

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        2. Smithy*

          Absolutely this and nonprofits more broadly.

          The line on when and how to hold back for the most junior staff to get those first chances for to-go plates isn’t as firm as you’d think. And even within then, being a bit more senior and being the first person to go up with your washed out container from lunch to take leftovers home can be helpful in having those more junior staff feel like they can do that as well.

          Ultimately it’s very much so a case where some people are better at reading between the lines, and others need a bit more help. Hopefully a little mentoring help and it can get Bruno closer to norms across the faculty.

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        3. pagooey*

          I have fond memories of the intersection of these worlds: as an undergrad, I worked for my campus art gallery, and my duties included exhibit openings with wine and snacks. The rule was that any opened bottle could not be re-corked and saved for the next event, of course…and gosh, we opened A GREAT MANY bottles of wine to dole out just a little fresh pour off the top for our kind patrons. Ahem. (You could identify student staff leaving these events by the sound of glass clanking.)

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          1. Texan In Exile*

            I was a waitress at the faculty club during college. We did the lunch prep, including slicing and plating the pies the chef had made that morning.

            The rules were that broken slices could not be served to faculty.

            But the student waiters could eat them.

            There was always at least one broken slice of pecan pie sitting on the table inside the kitchen.

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            2. Lab Boss*

              On the subject of getting to take the broken pieces- I had a friend who worked at a bakery and would often bring “irregular” things to our gatherings (slightly overdone cookies, a pie with a botched upper crust, that kind of thing). The biggest windfall was an entire 3-layer wedding cake that had been dropped, still in its box, from about 6″ above the counter. It was still basically cake-shaped but certainly not wedding-ready, and we got the entire gorgeous, delicious thing to eat along with our pizza and beer. It’s a core memory.

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    3. LunaLena*

      Yeah, I work at a university and free food is always used as a draw for students, and students are often encouraged to take extras. In fact, for many events, once the event is over it’s not uncommon for the organizers to let any nearby students (especially student employees) take away a plate or two. The catering staff have told me that any uneaten food usually gets thrown away, so they encourage people to take any and all leftovers to reduce waste, and I’ve even been been given whole boxed meals to take home. If Bruno came from a school with a similar “if you don’t take it it will get thrown away” food culture he genuinely might not see anything wrong with it.

      But I wait until the end of the event to see what’s left over and let students go first before taking extras, so he could also just be a greedy boor. I think Allison’s scripts are perfect in either case.

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    4. PhinisheDSoon*

      I am a PhD candidate whose funding has run out, and while Bruno’s behavior makes me cringe(!), I wonder if he is unaccustomed to being able to afford enough food/to afford food comfortably. Many PhD stipends are woefully out of sync with the costs of living, and it can be dicey for those who do not have spouses with more reasonable salaries.

      …Alternately, he is just an(other) awkward academic.

      Either way, please say something so he does not become an old, long-tenured academic who is still taking food from grad students’ mouths and whom no one can correct because he is too old and long-tenured.

      Reply ↓
      1. Frieda*

        My partner had a very well-known professor at a very prestigous institution (think: oldest corporation in the Western hemisphere) invite students over for dinner and then pass the hat to pay for pizza he’d ordered. In his *home.* As though he were 20.

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      2. Orange Line Avenger*

        Seconding, especially the part about awkward academics. There’s a lot of people upthread assuming that the only explanation for Bruno’s behavior is active malice and urging the LW to go in with a really adversarial mindset. Based on my own experience in higher ed, I think it’s way more likely that Bruno’s just terminally clueless, doesn’t realize that it’s tacky for faculty to pounce on the free food, and would be really embarrassed if he knew he was developing a reputation as a human vacuum.

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        1. JustaTech*

          Tackey is an excellent word! It’s like Weird Al said: “Took a whole bowl of restaurant mints, hey, you said they’re free” – it’s tacky.

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    5. Project Manager*

      Agreed on the mindset shift! I think the LW assuming he doesn’t have food insecurity is likely, but he probably at least still has a food insecurity mindset…it took me a long time to get over that after I finished grad school, or really, after I started making good money (out of school I was employed full time too at a whopping $19k/year, so I actually had food insecurity for a long time after). Being an adjunct faculty member now as a side gig, I know what our full time professors make, and if they’re dealing with student loan debt, having had to front recent moving expenses and/or security deposits, etc… it’s very possible they’re still in that mindset and he doesn’t realize exactly how boorish it looks.

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    6. A Cita*

      My boyfriend in grad school was really big on this…even descending on food in meetings he wasn’t in any way a part of. I told him then it wasn’t cool to crash an event/meeting and steal food. He was used to doing it in college and getting away with it, but in our grad school, it was not okay. He brushed me off, and I got the pleasure of watching him be completely humiliated when he was caught, called out in front of a huge crowd, and told to put the food back and leave.

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      1. LifebeforeCorona*

        Here’s a story that goes back to the First Gulf War because I’m old. I worked for a govt. department and when it started we were required to operate 24/7. One of the perks was catered sandwich boxes for people who worked evenings and weekends. They were really good, word got around about them and people happened to stop by when they were delivered to chat for a few minutes and then leave with one. One manager gathered them and guarded them like a dragon. Whenever someone approached the table he ask if they were coming to work. If the answer was no, they did not get a free meal.

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    7. Professional Cat Herder*

      LW here. This is definitely my suspicion as well, and I appreciate the framing. The faculty is very new (and very young), so approaching it as a shift in mindset makes sense and is a constructive way to frame it. Thanks for the comment and the idea!

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      1. constant_craving*

        I also wanted to mention that I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the possibility of food insecurity. Even if he’s now faculty, he may have debt from being in grad school, expenses he incurred relocating for the job, undergrad loans no longer in deferment, etc. One semester (assuming a fall start date) of faculty pay isn’t necessarily going to balance all that out. That doesn’t necessarily mean he can continue doing as he’s been doing, but he might need some resources.

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          1. New Jack Karyn*

            LW said she didn’t think it was the case. She was not definite.

            constant_craving’s points are valid.

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    8. PlainJane*

      Agreed. I’m actually surprised there are so many people who think it’s a deliberately boorish choice in behavior. It’s a question of adjusting to a new norm. There are a lot of places where grabbing the food on the table is simply expected.

      (I also wonder why they put everything out all the time. Even now, I’d kind of make the assumption that what’s out is open for the taking because… why else would it be out? Also, won’t it be starting to get a little stale and gross by the time another meeting comes in? I know, that’s a totally different question, but I wouldn’t want to be the last ones of the day regardless of Bruno’s actions. I mean… oh, look, it’s food that’s been out on a counter for hours! Yummy!)

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        1. Bossy*

          I think it’s boorish too! I’ve seen a 60 year old man do this at my last job. He was also just gross so every time we opened food we pre-told everyone else it was about to happen and they knew to put a move on to get there before gross guy.
          As for ppl saying it’s a holdover from school – it sounds like this guy was actually told not to do it yet is still doing it. Also, I mean read a room – if you don’t see others doing it, don’t do it.

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        2. i like hound dogs*

          I think it’s boorish too. A lot of us were once poor former grad students and managed to not clear off entire tables of food into our pockets.

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      2. DisgruntledPelican*

        Probably because when told directly “this food isn’t leftovers, it also needs to feed the second meeting” he still took an entire dessert plate. At that point, he’s not a broke kid taking all the free food he can get, he’s an adult boor taking food off someone else’s plate.

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    9. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Yeah. It’s a hard mentality to shake. (For me, this also meant I had a hard time remembering I could afford food that wasn’t ramen or lentils/rice/spinach (which we called “grad chow”).

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    10. irritable vowel*

      I agree that this is a message that Bruno should hear, but I don’t think that LW is the person to deliver it. I’ve worked in higher ed for 25+ years, and it would be a breach of etiquette for a mere staff member to tell a faculty member anything like this. They are golden gods! Who are we to tell them what to do? Really, the only person who can tell them to stop doing something is their department chair, and that’s not likely to happen unless the chair happens to observe Bruno in action. This is why there are 70-year-old tenured full professors who still come to events for the free food.

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      1. Slippers*

        There is a new faculty member in my department making faux pas all over the place (to the point that he’s not even doing the job he was hired to do) and NO ONE will say a word but they all talk about it constantly. I hear over and over “that’s a job for __________” (his mentor, his department chair, the ass dean, the dean, etc. and forever). As a mere staff member (with 12 more years of experience in higher ed who makes as much money as he does, not that anyone is counting), I am *this* close to being the person. Not that he’d listen. Since I’m staff.

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        1. Frieda*

          Find someone who has tenure, is on the path to retirement, and has no f**** to give, and put them up to it. Honestly.

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      3. Polly Hedron*

        LW probably has the authority to speak to Bruno, because LW says she is Bruno’s mentor.
        If LW doubts this, she could check with the department head before speaking to Bruno.

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      4. Susannah*

        LW is Bruno’s mentor… so clearly, a logical person to discuss this with him. And can do it not in a, you’re a jerk and boorish and selfish way, but a, this looks bad for a faculty member and will hold you back, kind of way.

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    11. Not That Kind of Doctor*

      Yeah, the response here is for a more senior faculty member to tell Bruno, “Dude, quit acting like a grad student. “

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    12. Hyaline*

      This. I think this is growing pains combined with some cluelessness or social awkwardness (after all, most of us realize it on our own; this fellow isn’t getting the hint). That said, I think the LW needs to be direct–they did already have an “in the moment” chat that did nothing, so I think, as a mentor, framing it this way of “this is a difference between grad student and faculty” might actually get the point across. While I’d usually advise not overwhelming someone, if there are other issues in this vein (like use of space, or clothing/dress, or attendance at events, or whatever), addressing them at the same time could actually bolster the point that it’s all details in the same mindset shift.

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    13. Dek*

      Yeah. College students in general, I think. I know in my younger post college days, I was still in the mindset of “Free food? FREE FOOD!” (especially if it was nicer food than I could usually have). And something about working at a college after graduating kind of kicks that part of your brain for a bit, where you have to consciously stop thinking of yourself as a student, socially speaking.

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  5. I should really pick a name*

    When I explained that I had ordered extra food for the next meeting, he proceeded to help himself to a large plate of the desserts that I didn’t have a chance to cover, going so far as to take all of one of the desserts that remained

    And nothing was said at this point?

    It’s reasonable at any point to say “sorry, but you’re not able to take this food”, but even more so when the person has already been told the food needs to cover the next session.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bunch Harmon*

      Unless the food is individually wrapped, it really shouldn’t be put back. At that point it would make sense to say something like “You can take this food only because it’s already on your plate. In the future, please don’t take extra food.”

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      1. MistOrMister*

        I think what the commenter meant was that when he went for the dessert table and started grabbing things OP should have told him to stop right then and there, not that they should have told him to put things back, because I agree once they are on the plate they should not go back on the table. I am with the previous commenter that it doesn’t make sense that nothing was said in the instance OP mentioned. They had the standing to say something and had just told Bruno he couldn’t take some other food so why not also say, “uh no, you can’t take those desserts either we need those for the meeting too”?

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          (Somebody) should have told him to stop right then and there.

          This reminds me of the disastrous drunk motivational speaker, where all the executives on hand reasoned “I’ll bet tackling this person and wrestling the microphone from them is someone else’s job. Yup. Any minute now someone else will act. Or the person violating norms will realize on their own…” That is super human.

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      2. LunaLena*

        Off-topic, but just wanted to say that Bunch was definitely my favorite of the vicar’s wives that appeared in Agatha Christie’s books :D

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    2. Nicosloanicota*

      Unfortunately OP might have to stop the interaction and be awkward, something that many people struggle with. “Excuse me, did I just see you take those? Those are for my next meeting. Why did you take the food that you can see I’m trying to pack up. Please don’t ever take extra food unless you’re explicitly invited to, these things come out of our budget and it’s especially tight right now.” I find I have to practice being willing to do this kind of thing, it doesn’t come naturally. My instinct is to smooth it over as if *I’m* the one who did something awkward by noticing.

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      1. HonorBox*

        I also have the smooth it over instinct. That’s why I like the second script provided. Have the conversation privately and outside of the food scenario. And then if it continues, HE is the one who has made it awkward because not only is he a vulture, he’s being an ass by disregarding the previous conversation.

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      2. I should really pick a name*

        At this point, the LW had already HAD the initial awkward conversation which is why I find it weird that they couldn’t continue.
        “What I said about the food counts for the dessert as well”

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        1. daffodil*

          if I was in LW’s situation I’d be so surprised that my initial comment didn’t do the job I wouldn’t be able to say anything else until much later. It’s easy to see now that the first thing was not sufficiently direct, but I would already be feeling annoyed that I had to say the awkward thing.

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        2. fhqwhgads*

          Because they were still cleaning up and by the time they knew what happened it was already on the plate and not put-backable?

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    3. Cake or Death*

      “And nothing was said at this point?”

      EXACTLY. Just let him take the desserts right in front of you without speaking up.

      These food stealing stories on AMA drive me absolutely insane because no one ever says anything! Just tell them to stop! Don’t suggest it, don’t be coy, just say, “No, you cannot take this food.”

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      1. Spooz*

        Honestly, I can well imagine being too shocked in the moment to say anything. Brain cannot compute, so mouth cannot speak. Doubly so given that it came after I just spoke to him about it! Some people just freeze.

        This is why I appreciate Alison’s many scripts that basically allow you to go back to someone later once you have reconnected your mouth and grey matter. I am very bad at speaking up in the moment on things, but through practice I have got much better at going back for another conversation about it.

        It’s a technique I even use with my children! “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear enough earlier that you cannot do XYZ. It is important because ABC. I’m not telling you off about earlier because I hadn’t told you explicitly enough not to do it, but can you commit to not doing XYZ again going forward?” It’s just that XYZ is “eating yoghurt with your fingers in front of our guests” rather than “filing the TPS reports by date instead of alphabetically”.

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    4. Professional Cat Herder*

      LW here! Thanks for your responses, and yes, I wish I had said something in the moment. I was genuinely baffled/flabbergasted that he went on to take the desserts after hearing that the food was for another meeting, so that stymied me. Also, there were other faculty who were in earshot. Besides being new, Bruno is very awkward, so I didn’t want to call him out where others could hear. I’m planning on using Alison’s script (as well as some of the ideas from the comments) to have a one-on-one conversation with him.

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      1. Slippers*

        Just now clocking your commenter name. I suspect we live parallel lives, except I’m at an R1 state university. Herding academic cats should be an Olympic sport.

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      3. Arrietty*

        Is it possible that when you said “I ordered extra food for the next meeting”, meaning “this food that is left over is the extra for the next meeting”, he heard “there is additional extra food elsewhere for the next meeting”? I realise it doesn’t make logical sense to assume that, but people are very good at hearing a yes when they want to, and you didn’t (assuming that was your exact phrasing) actually say no. A reasonable, objective person would have understood you, but he was under the influence of free food.

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      4. Susannah*

        I think the other part that makes it hard for us is that it’s one thing to say, no, you can’t take those pens/notebooks/laptop computers, since it’s a clear issue of stealing company goods, but saying someone can’t have foo feels like you are literally denying a human being nourishment.

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  6. BootoBoors*

    Free food and/or free anything will be descended upon by grad students but also anyone that hasn’t been told about proper behavior. I worked for an engineering firm where everyone was making above six figures, and they still picked any catering table clean.

    Reply ↓
    1. soontoberetired*

      They’ve had to tell people in my office to stop being pigs about free food offerings. They worded it more politely but they put out communication prior to some events that you are allowed 1 normal sized serving at the upcoming event. People who should know better were taking 2 or 3 servings of things at one go at earlier events and food was running out.

      These were all “professionals” acting like they hadn’t seen food in years.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nicosloanicota*

        There’s some primal human stuff that goes on when we see people taking more than their fair share of food or when we feel there won’t be “enough” food for us, for sure. Almost like a mob groupthink type thing. I’ve definitely been there and even wondered at the time why getting “my” share of the pizza or whatever felt so critically urgent.

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        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I’ve felt this as well, often about food I wasn’t even that eager to eat in the first place, or that I could easily afford to buy myself. That scarcity mentality is a strong python, for sure.

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      2. Artemesia*

        I’ve posted it before, but I was once at a conference of about 400 people from ‘helping professions’ e.g. social workers, social educators, service oriented training etc and who when the dessert buffet was opened, the first 150 people in the line took plates piled high and the last couple hundred in the line got nothing. The organizers had ordered 3 mini desserts per registrant but those first in line made pyramids of a dozen desserts. Then said ‘well I’m sure the kitchen will bring out more.’ nu uh.

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    2. Meaningful hats*

      I grew up in a food insecure household. We would go to furniture stores on weekends for the free hot dogs because there otherwise wasn’t food for lunch. I still have to check myself around free food because the mindset of “eat it all while you can- you don’t know when you’ll get to eat again!” is still deep in there somewhere.

      For some people it may be someone “hasn’t been told about proper behavior”, but for others it’s something we fight against daily as we re-train our brains.

      Reply ↓
  7. Abogado Avocado*

    I think this is grad-school behavior that Bruno needs to be told is no longer acceptable now that he’s a full-time faculty member. Whether he’s embarrassed is less important than helping him understand the professional norms that come with his new position.

    And, if I may, can I caution us not to assume that someone isn’t food insecure? Lots of grad-students-turned-assistant-professors are loaded up with student loan debt and, between that an housing costs, may still be looking at living on bread sandwiches until they can get on a firm financial footing. This doesn’t excuse boorish behavior in any way, but new fulltime faculty in academic settings aren’t always on financial easy street.

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    1. Yankees fans are awesome*

      The term is “food bank,” then. Seems to me if a person makes it through the rigor of a higher ed. interview, and “wins” the position, they also know better than to scarf food at a faculty orientation.

      I take the LW’s word that food insecurity doesn’t seem to be the driver of Bruno’s greed.

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        You would think they know better but as this site has shown time and time again, expertise or understanding in one area is never inherently transferrable or transferred to another area or even across contexts. Most of the time those oversights just require a single conversation to remind the offender to turn on those parts of their brain in the new context but sometimes it just never ever clicks for whatever bizarre reason (including refusal) and they continue to be an ass.

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      2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        If you haven’t been a grad student, you probably don’t know how deeply ingrained the “scrounge free food when you can” mentality can get. It’s not always at the thinking or rational part of the brain, and it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that Bruno wasn’t able to switch it off instantly.

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        1. Yankees fans are awesome*

          I have been a graduate student – twice – but that didn’t put my sense of basic manners on hold. I can say the same for both of my cohorts.

          I continue to be amazed at the excuse-making for bad behavior.

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        2. Education Mike*

          Cosigned. It’s been over a decade since I was a student and I’ve almost beaten the small tiny voice that says “ooo! Free food! Hello, Dinner!” I never heed it, but I still hear it sometimes.

          Reply ↓
        1. Yankees fans are awesome*

          I do work in higher ed., as a librarian. But it’s rather amusing that I must not know anything about higher ed.! because I happen to take the LW’s word that this isn’t about food insecurity. Or because I disagree with the status quo.

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          1. Pescadero*

            “Seems to me if a person makes it through the rigor of a higher ed. interview, and “wins” the position, they also know better than to scarf food at a faculty orientation. ”

            This is what I disagree with.

            Lots of people makes it through the rigor of a higher ed. interview, and “wins” the position – and don’t know any of those things.

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      4. Education Mike*

        You don’t know what options are available in their area. I live in a college town in a rural area and our food banks are stretched to the max right now. To get to another food bank, one has to travel into the next county, where non-residents don’t qualify for assistance.

        Well-meaning people often think there are simple answers, but oftentimes, situations are more complicated than they look on the outside.

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        1. Yankees fans are awesome*

          Yes, but what does that have to do with Bruno knowingly heaping food on his plate without regard for anyone else?

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          1. Liffy*

            It’s a meaningful response to your blithe assumption that a food bank is a tenable solution to the issue for Bruno. You were the one that brought it up!

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    2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      When I was in grad school, I had a couple of professors explain to me that they were providing the food/drinks to us students now with the expectation we would pay it forward to the next generation when we graduated. I’m really grateful that they did!

      Reply ↓
      1. moql*

        Yes! I had professors (multiple times!) cover for me so I could stuff food into my bag. People who haven’t been part of that side of academia really underestimate how ingrained the culture is, and also how hard it is to shake the feelings of food insecurity once you’re making more money. It took me years to be able to relax and only eat what I wanted at buffets.

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    3. Who knows*

      As someone who grew up with food insecurity, I assure you people who are actually food insecure know where to find food banks, community dinners, meal trains, etc. The people who are stealing food from college events are broke, not poor.

      Reply ↓
      1. Yankees fans are awesome*

        Yes, if Bruno is food insecure – which LW notes doesn’t seem to be the case – he’ll go to a food bank as a sustainable (and hopefully temporary) solution instead of greedily grabbing food at faculty gatherings.

        Ask me how I know.

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      2. moql*

        When I was in grad school I was making $14,500 a year in a medium cost of living city. I, and my fellow students, were probably all eligible for food banks but it didn’t ever occur to me that this might be an option. Instead, we were actively encouraged by our mentors (tenured faculty!) to take extra food from events to supplement our beans and rice. I think you’re being unnecessarily judgmental based on your particular experience with food insecurity.

        Reply ↓
  8. Santiago*

    He is a member of the department and all members of the department have a responsibility to steward resources well. This responsibility is towards the department and towards the greater community.

    I would tell him to stop next time he does it, and go to the chair if it persists.

    Reply ↓
    1. Santiago*

      Also — typically extra, perishable, food goes to the grad student lounge for students, who are much less fiscally secure.

      Reply ↓
  9. HonorBox*

    You’re his mentor. Say something. No matter what the reason behind it, it is awful behavior. You could definitely, kindly, say that you had someone else mention it to you, too, so it doesn’t just look like a you vs. Bruno situation.

    Personally, I like the second of the two scripts. Talking to him one on one, outside of a situation in which it is directly occurring, has the opportunity for it to come across better. You’ll be able to be more measured and neutral in your approach, while doing it as it happens the next time may be more abrupt and lead to additional attention from others. After you do so, if you witness it happening again, you can then point out in the moment that this is what you were referring to and he needs to wait to be invited to take any leftovers.

    I think after you do have the conversation, you could mention to your colleague (and any others who you might hear from in the future) that they can and should tell him no in the moment, and to let you know if it continues to happen. Circle back with him if it does.

    Reply ↓
    1. Professional Cat Herder*

      LW here! Thank you for your comment, and I appreciate the suggestion on saying that other people have mentioned this as well. I was hesistant to do that, but the point on how this could prevent it from looking like “him versus me” really resonates.

      Reply ↓
  10. NotARealManager*

    This kind of situation is exactly (though not limited to) how a mentor can be useful for someone’s career: spelling out cultural norms of your office/professional norms of the position. Whether he’s doing it shamelessly or not doesn’t really matter. He just needs to be called out on it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nicosloanicota*

      Honestly, if Bruno doesn’t seem sufficiently shamed (and I’ve had people laugh this kind of thing off or act like it’s a funny quirk) OP might need to say “I’ve heard from others that you are raiding meeting food and you’re getting a reputation that’s not what you want as a faculty member.” I don’t deploy shame as a tool unless I’m absolutely positive the person is willfully ignoring the consequences of their choices, but it’s not like it never works.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And reputation is, if not everything, ninety percent of everything in academia! Especially in a small college or field–getting a reputation from the outset as a vulture can get you crossed off of meeting or committee lists so very easily, and overcoming that version of yourself may take years.

        What it comes down to is–even if people are sympathetic or remember “what it was like” for them, there comes a point where the boorish behavior speaks for itself, and will drown Bruno out no matter how gifted a teacher or researcher he may be. It’s simply easier to avoid annoying people than deal with them, especially if they start out annoying.

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  11. Falling Diphthong*

    Bruno’s behavior wouldn’t surprise me at all in an undergraduate or graduate student, who navigate the department according to the siren call of free food. So his coming straight from grad school makes this a lot more understandable.

    I’m not Bruno’s manager, but I am his mentor.
    This was the part I was looking for. If you are in some sense supposed to guide him into the norms of his new environment, then you are the person with clear standing to do this. Like telling him to take the tacking off the lapels of his new suit, or that even though there is a blueberry bagel no one can take it for reasons of department tradition of saving it for Bill–and yes, Bill retired five years ago, but everyone is devoted to the tradition and you need to not mess with it.

    That is, you don’t need to present the norms as Right and True and Just and The Only Possible Thing A Right-Thinking Person Would Do. They can just be the little quirks, akin to learning “Don’t order the quiche on Thursdays” at the campus cafe and “There is a secret cut through in the biology building that can take 5 minutes off your trip to that cafe from Spout Analysis.” One quirk is “Faculty don’t take to-go plates unless the person running the event specifically invites anyone attending to do so.”

    Reply ↓
  12. dee*

    We had a guy (now retired) who’d float between floors looking for food freebies. He was notorious for showing up at any type of gathering and helping himself. I thought it was harmless until someone said he’d take other people’s lunches and that is not okay!

    I had a funny lunch related incident. Brought leftover lasagna in a pyrex container to work, was looking forward to my lunch, but it was gone, with the container washed and in the drying rack. Big mystery! Who ate my lunch? Turns out a coworker had thought it was his own lunch from the previous week as all pyrex looks the same, he didn’t eat it, he composted it and washed my dish.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seashell*

      Frustrating! I guess that’s why my office used to make people put their initials on stuff in the fridge.

      Reply ↓
    3. Name Required*

      Having my lunch thrown out would be very frustrating, but what a refreshing change from all the folks who don’t clean up after themselves — at least he thought he was being conscientious.

      Reply ↓
  13. Goddess47*

    I had someone who was known to be a scavenger but even he was good enough to (a) ask and (b) wait until the event was over (even if it wasn’t an event he attended!).

    Use the peer-group pressure and say, “I won’t name names but folk in your department have commented to me and to others on how much extra you take. It’s not a good reputation to have.” If you’re in a position to do so, add something along these lines: “This is going to get to your department chair, if it has not already. You are new and on probation. If you are planning to earn tenure, you need to stop or at least tone it down.”

    You can only do what you can do. Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  14. Mytummyhurtsbutimbeingbraveaboutit*

    Well, he’s definitely aiming to be an old cranky tenured professor who thinks they can get away with anything.

    Reply ↓
      2. Faculty*

        One wonders if Albert Einstein ever took some free food. Maybe @Polly here would be overjoyed if he didn’t get tenure?

        Reply ↓
  15. animaniactoo*

    When I explained that I had ordered extra food for the next meeting, he proceeded to help himself to a large plate of the desserts that I didn’t have a chance to cover, going so far as to take all of one of the desserts that remained.

    In the moment, this is when you say “The desserts are also for the next meeting, I need you to put that back please.”

    Reply ↓
  16. el l*

    We don’t talk about Bruno.

    That said, yes, do talk to him, especially since you have a relationship as his mentor. Here’s the message I’d send:

    “People are noticing you take extra food, it’s not seen positively (or as petty), and you don’t need that right now – especially when you need to be building your reputation.”

    Reply ↓
    1. KHB*

      I see I’m not the only one thinking that the pseudonym was apt! “We don’t talk about (or to) Bruno” – but you should. He’s come to rely on the fact that everyone is too timid to directly tell him “no,” and nothing about his behavior is going to change until you do.

      Reply ↓
  17. MistOrMister*

    I can’t speak to Bruno’s motivations, but I hope it’s just that he is unaware of the correct norms here rather than that he is willfully ignoring them. I think I would choose to talk to Bruno away from an event setting since OP is his mentor. I fear if they speak to him at an event he might take that to mean those rules apply only to that particular even and not later ones. Also it would possibly be more kind of do away from events as, if it happens at an event a number of people might hear and that could seriously embarrass him. If he’s just being rude and taking extra food because he doesn’t care that wouldn’t matter too much but if he legitimately doesn’t know he’s running afoul of office norms that could be really upsetting to be called out around others.

    What is with this tendency of some people to take everything they can from meetings though?? I never would take a plate to go after having what I wanted in the moment unless specifically pressed to do so by the people hosting the event! I mean come on, its not rocket science to not take home all the food and beverages!!

    Reply ↓
    1. Possum's mom*

      Once was required to spend a weeklong manager’s conference out of state and all three daily meals, served on site in a cafeteria, were presented to each of us in either white cardboard boxes or on individual plates covered with saran wrap. No chance to overindulge and unsurprisingly , that company went bankrupt two years later.

      Reply ↓
  18. Pyjamas*

    I think the one to one talk is more appropriate here because OP doesn’t have to worry about embarrassing him—however well deserved—in front of his colleagues. However, I’d add one thing. Get a brochure for the local food pantry and tell him that if he is financially strapped due to student debt, etc, there are resources. This could either help him if he is truly food insecure, or emphasise how inappropriate his behavior is now he’s no longer a student.

    Reply ↓
  19. DidIRollMyEyesOutLoud*

    I vote for option #2 – talk to him privately first, as AMA suggests, explaining your reasoning. Often giving the reason (or in this case, reasonS), will help change someone’s thought processes. If he continues, you can call him out in the moment (maybe privately). Then, if yet another incident occurs, I’d have no hesitation in correcting him in front of others.

    Reply ↓
  20. EA*

    “He is just out of graduate school, so perhaps he is used to taking food at the end of events.”

    This is probably it! When I was in grad school my classmates were notorious for hunting down event leftovers and there was a huge culture of “take an extra sandwich and soda!”… but he’s not a grad student anymore. Someone needs to tell him that it looks really bad for a professor to be doing that.

    Reply ↓
    1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Leftovers is one thing…

      LW says a colleague of hers said “In her case, he was at a well-attended event her office was hosting, and while it was still going on, he left with a full plate of snacks, as well as two cans of sparkling water stuffed in his pockets.”

      …that wasn’t leftovers.

      Reply ↓
  21. GeoWhiz*

    I want to reaffirm that as a grad student, I was actively encouraged (repeatedly) to take as much free food as I could. I’m sure that Bruno was as well – it’s really hard to get past that! I had to actively restrain myself from doing the same thing in my first year after grad school. I’ve had multiple conversations with other former grad students about how hard it is to adapt to the new expectations. I think it could be helpful to hint at that with Bruno: “I remember when I was a grad student and I would take all the free food I could get. It’s nice to be able to give that to the students now.”

    Reply ↓
    1. Cake or Death*

      But if someone had said to you, “please don’t take leftovers, as this is for the next meeting” would you have still grabbed a plate of food and walked off?

      This is what bothers me about this situation. The LW told him the food was for the next meeting and he STILL took some. And right in front of her! (Though why she didn’t say, ‘Um that includes ALL the food” when he did that is beyond me). That’s why it doesn’t seem like “I’m used to eating any food i can because I’m a poor grad student”. It’s just blatant disrespect at that point.

      Reply ↓
      1. mmiller540*

        He’s making the assumption by his actions that no one will seriously call him out on it. It might take a peer asking “What are you doing? Put that back” in a loud enough voice that others hear and hope that embarrasses them. If he’s new; he doesn’t have tenure. Right now he’s making a bad impression that can reflect on him when he applies for promotion or tenure. The soft skills can kill you when it comes time for those. I know where I am at that the faculty evaluations are now listing soft skills in areas as part of their annual evaluation and student evaluation. Also, if the students see this, it may influence their opinion of him. Poor opinion, less respect.

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  22. NotBatman*

    My husband is currently in a well-paying secure job… but he grew up food insecure, and he sometimes does this. I get why he has a habit of taking way more food than he needs any time it’s available for free, but it’s also the kind of thing that (he’s aware) deprives other people and thus needs to stop. He avoids food hoarding when he remembers to do so, but slips into it if stressed or distracted.

    Directly saying to Bruno “Please don’t take food away for later, because we need to be sure that everyone has enough to eat” will be doing him a favor. Reminding him might be necessary. When my husband and I are eating together at events, I’ll give him an elbow bump if I see him overloading a plate, and he usually thanks me later for the reminder. Obviously yours is a less close relationship, but “Bruno, please let everyone get served firsts before anyone gets seconds” should work as well.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cake or Death*

      “Directly saying to Bruno “Please don’t take food away for later, because we need to be sure that everyone has enough to eat” will be doing him a favor.”

      LW did this though and he STILL took food, and not only that, took the last of some of one thing so there was none left for anyone else.

      “When I explained that I had ordered extra food for the next meeting, he proceeded to help himself to a large plate of the desserts that I didn’t have a chance to cover, going so far as to take all of one of the desserts that remained.”

      Bruno shouldn’t be coddled, because it seems pretty clear he knows what he’s doing, since he literally took food after she told him it was needed for the next meeting.
      Bruno should be told very directly that the food at meetings is not put there for him to grocery shop his next couple meals, he is to feed himself for that meal, and that he’s being very rude going around and taking heaps of food from everywhere.

      Reply ↓
  23. greatwhiteshark*

    New professors often don’t make as much as you might think, plus they may have student loans and expenses they didn’t have as a student–no longer living at home, first time paying their own health insurance premiums and medical deductibles, went to school in a big city with good public transit but now need a car. So food insecurity could absolutely be an issue. He might also be missing the skills, desire, or opportunity to cook for himself. Maybe no one taught him or he’s a terrible cook, maybe he’s just renting a room right now and doesn’t have a kitchen, or maybe he’s just lazy. Takeout gets expensive. And as others have mentioned, grad student mode often involves food grabs and he might not have shaken that off yet. But I’ll say when I worked for an English department and students were required to give demonstrative speeches as part of a course, many often chose making some sort of food dish as their assignment. When those left-overs were brought into the department after class, boy-howdy keep your hands and feet away from the shark frenzy that ensued–which included everyone from student assistants to fully-tenured professors. It’ll be interesting to see if the behavior continues after you’ve spoken to him.

    Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        I don’t think greatwhiteshark is excusing the behavior, they’re just disputing the claim that being a new professor means they aren’t food-insecure.

        “Bruno is a full-time faculty member, so I don’t think need or food insecurity is causing this behavior.”

        Reply ↓
    2. AnotherSarah*

      Came here to say this–it’s not an excuse for his behavior and I agree with the advice. But when I was a new faculty member, my rent was out of control, my partner hadn’t moved yet and didn’t have a job, so we actually had two rents on one salary, and I was mired in debt. If it’s his first year or even second (or hell, beyond!), I wouldn’t assume he has enough. Again–he shouldn’t be doing this, regardless. But the assumption may not be inaccurate.

      Reply ↓
    3. Lisa Simpson*

      My husband is a professor. A lot of professors are in their mid-30s their first year! Yes their budgets may not be as flush as you’d expect, especially since graduate funding and faculty pay varies so widely by department, but they are full grown adults who have likely been responsible for managing their own lives for years and are capable of continuing to do so accordingly.

      A number of first year professors have children; they are not children themselves.

      Reply ↓
    4. Susannah*

      Of course, there are all kinds of reasons someone we presume *not* to be food insecure, actually is.
      But that still does not excuse his behavior. He continued to take food after LW told him it was for others. It’s boorish, and worse for him – it will affect his reputation and his future at the institution.
      He needs to stop, if only for that reason. And as Bruno’s mentor, LW can do that.

      Reply ↓
    1. Zona the Great*

      While that is your prerogative, I’d say hating someone for common boorish behavior is not good for your health.

      Reply ↓
  25. mmiller540*

    I have worked in Higher Ed for 25 years. There are always faculty members that have a sense of entitlement along with penny pinching that hoard food at events. The university does 1 big BQ every summer for staff only when classes are not in session. The number of faculty showing up and eating was mind boggling. It got bad enough that the Univ President made it quite clear that it wasn’t acceptable. Some of the departments come in shifts and there would be no food for the last group arriving. Normally this isn’t the only thing they think they are entitled to take that isn’t theirs. These are the same individuals that help them to things in the administrative asst’s desk that is theirs (example — loose change, personnel pens, belongings, etc.)

    Reply ↓
    1. RA*

      This reminded me of something that happened to me several years ago. I was working as an admin in a department office and a colleague gave me some pastries as a thank you. I went down the hall to the bathroom and when I came out, I saw one of the professors walking and eating one of the pastries my coworker gave me. He had literally walked into my office while I was gone (for all of 5 minutes) and taken a pastry off my desk with zero shame! I wish I had the confidence I do now to have said something to him.

      Reply ↓
      1. mmiller540*

        Not surprised. I had one touch on my brownie I purchased from the food court one day. Very obvious, tapping on it and looking at me. I think he thought I would give it to him if he touched it. Faculty can be odd ducks sometimes.

        Reply ↓
        1. AnneCordelia*

          I would been REALLY tempted to say, “Oh, no, what a shame that I can’t eat my brownie now that it’s been touched” –and then crumble it to bits in a napkin and throw it in the trash.

          Reply ↓
          1. Polly Hedron*

            And then please shake out the napkin into the trash, to make it harder for him to dive in after the crumbs.

            Reply ↓
      2. Bossypants*

        My 4-year-old daughter offered my dissertation director a chip from her little bag. He took the bag and never gave it back. She’s still mad about it.

        Reply ↓
  26. tamarack etc.*

    Another voice on the “say something” side.

    Because of the tradition of self-governance and flat hierarchies in academia, the formal manager is usually quite far removed from the situation (a dean, or institute director), and the mentorship relations for new faculty are crucial. You don’t go into full details about your role relative to Bruno – you say you work with new faculty, so this mentorship is likely part of your job description. In many institutions a new faculty member would be assigned a senior peer mentor, usually a tenured professor. Maybe you’re both, or maybe there are multiple mentors of different types.

    In any event, I think that it’s fully within the purview of the mentorship relationship to point the junior faculty mentor to things that are harming his reputation, just like you should if there were concerns that have directly to do with equity. Addressing it in the moment is totally ok, and would be coming from administrative staff as well. But as a mentor, I think this is totally warranted to be addressed in the regular check-ins you probably have with him. (Or if this is happening with another mentor, you could also tell them – that would be totally normal where I am.)

    Reply ↓
  27. HiddenT*

    A gentle reminder for LW and commenters that food insecurity isn’t always financial, it can be a form of disordered eating as well. I struggle with the urge to load up on free food at events, and I’m long past the point of being a poor grad student (underemployed, certainly, but not to the point of not being able to afford food). I’ve gotten good about not doing it until someone offers, but I genuinely feel anxiety about the possibility of snacks at parties or whatnot being thrown away after I leave. I have to try to remind myself that I could go out and buy the same snacks if I really wanted to, but that gnawing feeling of “if I don’t eat it now the treat will disappear” is likely to be a life-long issue for me.

    That doesn’t mean what Bruno’s doing is okay, and LW absolutely has the responsibility and standing to talk to him about it and educate him on the expectations.

    Reply ↓
    2. Yankees fans are awesome*

      Not sure how this applies, though, since, according to LW, food insecurity isn’t a driver here.

      Reply ↓
        1. allathian*

          I don’t hate him, that would mean I cared about him as a person in some way. I just hold him in total contempt for behaving the way he does.

          I hope someone can tell him that what he’s doing is unacceptable and make it stick.

          Some of the graduate students on that campus undoubtedly live with food insecurity. Given that he’s just recently moved on from being one, it’s entirely possible that old habits die hard. That’s just another reason for someone to tell him in no uncertain terms that now that he’s no longer a student he has to stop hogging all the free food.

          It’s one thing to hate food going to waste and taking any leftovers when all the events of the day are over means less waste and that’s always good for the environment, but it’s never acceptable to take a doggy bag before other people have had the chance to get their first portions. Never.

          Reply ↓
      2. moql*

        I knew very few other students who were in grad school with me that were not food insecure. Just because he is not food insecure *now* does not mean that he was not in the very recent past. That sort of thing is hard to shake and HiddenT is making the point that current income level doesn’t mean they aren’t working through some things. You and allathian (among others) are being remarkably callous.

        No one is saying that he should be allowed to do this, just that the situation can be more than simple self-centeredness.

        Reply ↓
        1. HiddenT*

          For me it’s not about income level, it’s that dieting culture and my parents messed up my relationship with food. It causes me actual anxiety to throw away food if it isn’t spoiled. I have a sort of panic response where I feel like if I don’t eat the food *now*, I’ll never have the chance again. I often will overeat by “grazing” repeatedly at parties (I try to be mindful and curtail this by taking a plate and only eating what I put on it, as opposed to just walking by the food and grabbing a little bit each time).

          I made myself sick when I first went to undergrad because I suddenly had access to all the junk food my parents would never allow in the house (because they also had disordered eating and would overeat if the junk food was there) and no set schedule or anyone telling me when to eat, so I would end up bingeing on junk food during the day, straight-up just eating from the vending machines most of the time. I had no basis for figuring out a healthy relationship with food.

          So yeah. While I’m the type of person who’s mindful of others and doesn’t go back for seconds until I know everyone has eaten, and doesn’t pack a to-go plate until I’m invited to by the host, I still struggle with disordered eating and the urge to snatch up all the good snacks lest I miss out on them.

          Reply ↓
  28. Ask a Man*

    This is typical higher education/ government worker behavior. The university department I formerly worked in had no shame and would go begging for free food left over from new student orientation. It was unbecoming, so I chose not to join, for which I was called out in advance of a performance review. I left because I didn’t want to fit in with misfits.

    Reply ↓
  29. Raida*

    I was going to say “Talk to his manager, and include that you’ve already started hearing it form other people” but then you said you’re his mentor.

    So… talk to him. Like, I don’t understand what your role as a mentor is if it doesn’t include covering professional norms in your industry/location and ways to maximise a mentee’s reputation.

    Reply ↓
  30. Susannah*

    I think there is a doctoral thesis to be written about people and “free” food. Because it rarely has anything to do with need.

    I used to cover the Hill, and there was a (now-deceased) US Senator who went to all the Hill receptions (back when they were common) and put things in plastic *baggies* in his pockets. I was a fellow at a university, and a fellow fellow – one of the few also getting a very healthy salary from permanent job while also getting the fellowship $$ and housing — would take food not only from receptions and the like, but also from the student cafeteria, when invited to join students for a meal. Bizarre.

    And where I used to work, if there was some exec meeting and food left over, people would RACE to get it. Even if they’d brought lunch already. And we had interns, who as far as I’m concerned should get first dibs! I admit that when someone brought in doughnuts, I’d eat them (even though I don’t like doughnuts all that much). But taking food you do ‘t need just to.. take it, is so weird but common.

    There must be some psychology to this- a feeling of getting something for free or maybe something primal about stocking one’s larder.

    Reply ↓
    1. Susannah*

      And another thing: while he may indeed be food insecure, I have also seen many situations where genuinely HUNGRY people are not so brazenly greedy about free food.
      I remember hiking in the Andes, 4 days in the mountains camping. We had good food prepared by our sherpas, and always invited locals (we’re talking 1-3 people who might live nearby) to join us.
      They would NEVER take any food without being specifically offered it (even when we said, help yourselves!). And would not take seconds – we had to say, PLEASE, have some more! Or say, please, take this home – we have so much!
      And one girl I saw, I gave a Power bar to. She thanked me, ate a tiny piece of it and wrapped the rest up. Our guide told me she surely was taking the rest back to her family.
      This is 99% about manners. Not about food insecurity. I think the greta likelihood is that Bruno is arrogant and assumes no one will go so far as to take food away from him. Oh – and that he deserves the food more than anyone else.

      Reply ↓
  31. Delta Delta*

    Additional idea: order individual lunches for people. That way Bruno can’t take multiple lunches. If one lunch says Bruno and the other says Sally, and he steals Sally’s lunch, he needs to have a good explanation about why he’s stealing Sally’s lunch.

    Also, have a straightforward talk with him and let him know what he’s doing is not okay. Don’t sugarcoat it – just be honest.

    Reply ↓
    1. cncx*

      This is what one of my former companies did. Any working lunch and it was individually wrapped with a person’s name on it. It didn’t stop committed thieves and grazers but it helped with the casual drive by pocket stuffing.

      Reply ↓
      1. CommanderBanana*

        Hah – I wish that worked. I did that for one training I was coordinating using a catering company that allowed you to pick your own boxed meal, and someone STILL crashed the event and snatched and ate my food, which meant I went hungry because the only extra contained a type of meat I don’t eat.

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    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      This won’t work for many events, because they’re not small meetings. Sure, if it’s the 8 professors in the department meeting together, you can make that work. (until people start saying “if there’s a lunch that’s specifically MINE, why can’t I make it a custom order?)

      Visiting professor giving a lecture on a cool topic, with snacks after? Who knows who/how many will show up? Student forum to discuss potential changes to degree requirements, with lunch to lure students? Again, no idea who will show up.

      If people show up who aren’t registered, AND those who registered don’t show up, what then?

      It’s not a workable idea to avoid dealing with one vulture. Deal with the vulture.

      Reply ↓
  32. Ann*

    Does anyone else feel uncomfortable about the idea of reprimanding someone about how much they eat? I know that part of the issue is taking food and drinks for later, but I still think I’d have a hard time feeling like that was my place. Would people feel differently if it were a woman they were addressing, or an obese person?
    I’m not defending moochy behavior — just saying that I tend to tread lightly about anything that’s related to people’s diets or bodies.

    Reply ↓
    1. ASD always*

      When you’re talking about tiptoeing around the feelings of someone depriving others of food because they’re taking away entire plates from events that haven’t even happened yet, that falls under the same “not offending the offender at the expense of the offended” issue in the church-related comment thread further up.

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      This actually came up re someone who would eat, like, six bagels during the meeting. The general (but not universal) consensus was that so long as other people got a fair shot at the food, and he was eating it all during the meeting, this was a *shrug* “Some people have high metabolisms” thing.

      The counter argument was that the admins could get the picked over bagels and sitting out for 6 hours cream cheese after all the meetings, and counter counter was to just order the admins their own unpawed over bagel plate.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ann*

        I love that last counter counter. In my experience, the admins ALWAYS get the short end of the stick — and end up having the clean up, too.

        Reply ↓
    3. judyjudyjudy*

      I share your reservations, Ann. LW, for a slightly different perspective, you might way to listen to the episode “The Inspector Javert of Office Meatballs” of the Dear Prudence podcast. I think if there are times when there is extra food (not for another meeting), just let Bruno take it.

      Reply ↓
    4. Indolent Libertine*

      The question isn’t arising because LW just thinks this person is eating too much, though. That would be inappropriate to raise. The entire question is about “taking food for later” when the clear intent is to offer everyone a standard size to be consumed during the event, not to stock their home fridge for the rest of the day or week which is what Bruno is doing.

      Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        A huge amount of hoarded food is never eaten — people grab and haul it back to their offices where it sits and gets thrown out.

        Reply ↓
        1. judyjudyjudy*

          Based on…what? Is Bruno hoarding or taking more food to eat for dinner, or lunch the next day? That’s what I did in grad school, as well as most of my cohort.

          The issues here are not about whether Bruno is a food hoarder. It’s about whether his actions are inappropriate, and regardless of appropriateness, what kind of reputation Bruno is building as a young faculty member.

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    5. I Have RBF*

      Look, I’m fat, but that’s not an excuse to take excess food that other people will need. It’s one thing to serve yourself a heft serving that gets all the diet ladies tut-tutting, but it’s something else to take stuff “for later” before everyone else has been served. The difference is that the second rudely denies others a serving by taking more than one meal’s worth as takeaway. It doesn’t matter whether the person is fat or thin.

      Reply ↓
  33. anon for this*

    There is a professor at my uni who has been here for years and who is much closer to retirement age than to early career age – he takes food from literally every event on campus! I believe the entire university knows this professor appears to eat only food scavenged from university events.

    They do this for all events, not just events they are attending. There is no pretending to help clean up; they just load up plates of food for later. If it is an event that is not open to anyone, they do wait till the end before taking food. but if there is food, this prof is there!

    Reply ↓
  34. Professional Cat Herder*

    Hi everyone! LW here. Thank you so much for the comments and replies – I can’t believe my food vulture question has 120+ comments right now! After working at my institution for 12 years, I recently made the switch from being full-time faculty to being in an administrative role where the focus is on working with faculty. It has been eye opening (to put it mildly) to learn more about faculty from across the college. A lot of it has been great, but there have also been instances that have been head scratching. In this situation, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just blowing the issue out of proportion and being unreasonable. It was extremely helpful to hear from Alison and you that talking to Bruno about this is important. I always suspect that I’m one step away from becoming an old-school curmudgeon yelling at kids to get off my lawn, so it was good to know that is not the case here.
    I will be going with Alison’s second option and having a one-on-one conversation with him. I suspect, as several commenters have noted, that he is still in grad school mode and is operating with the idea that all food is up for grabs, so I plan to use the framing that several people have mentioned about this being about a change in mindset. Besides being very new to academia, Bruno is also young and a little awkward, so I’m hoping that he will change his behavior after a direct discussion.
    Thank you to Alison for the advice and to all of you for taking time to read and comment!

    Reply ↓
    2. allathian*

      Good luck!

      There’s no age limit on this kind of behavior, as several commenters have noted upthread, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that Bruno’s teachable.

      I’m already hoping for a good update in the next update season.

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  35. Small college faculty/large university student*

    I agree a lot with all the comments about it being grad student habit and with the fact many new faculty can be food insecure. That said, you may want to consider that it might be the shift from large anonymous university setting to small college setting. Many people coming from a grad experience at a large university might not get the budget/money challenges many small colleges face. Also, behavior that might not get noticed at a large reception/event will get noticed at a small college. I don’t think there’s just one reason Bruno is doing this, but that said, LW, you should absolutely say something.

    Reply ↓
  36. judyjudyjudy*

    Like Allison and so many above, I think some honest talk will go a long way here.

    But I have two points of confusion: it seems like there are times when you want people to take leftovers — “Also, the events I host usually have lots of leftovers (I will often encourage people to take food when I don’t have another event the same day), so he might be under the impression that food at all events is up for grabs.” And other events where this is not the case, because you have another meeting, etc.

    If you honestly don’t have a problem with people taking leftovers, just…let him take the leftovers, even a lot of leftovers, if it will just be thrown away otherwise. For times when the extra food is for the next meeting, cover the food if you can, and kindly and neutrally ask him not to take any more if he tries that dessert trick again.

    The other thing that confused me is the drink thing, about how it stretches your budget. I wonder if, on reflection, Bruno is really the main issue here. If one man is taking an extra drink (or two!) at a weekly meeting, is that really, really stretching your drinks budget? If your drinks budget is way overblown, that implies to me that a number of people (not just Bruno) are taking double drinks. I don’t know if that will be fixed by just talking to only Bruno. Consider a “please take only one beverage” sign (passive-aggressive to some but it works on me), or just putting out fewer drinks, maybe with fewer options — no one will be in dire straits if they can’t get a Diet Coke at their weekly departmental seminar.

    Still talk with Bruno, if only to make him aware of how he is coming across. Don’t feel embarrassed about politely asking him to leave the food for your next meeting, if you need to. And figure out how over budget you are on Fanta or whatever — is it the cause of one man, or probably many people? Decide what to do next, based on your evaluation.

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    1. Artemesia*

      When people see someone constantly hauling several drinks from meetings they feel that it is now fair game — after all they’d like to have a drink later in the afternoon as well — and that is how your budget gets blown and why people can no longer have nice things.

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      1. judyjudyjudy*

        And Bruno is the first domino that fell here? No one else ever took a second can of pop until he came along? C’mon.

        But even if that were true — that Bruno alone is responsible for the blow beverage budget because he dared take a second Fanta and the flood gates opened and now her department is buying bevies at twice the normal rate — talking to Bruno alone won’t fix it now. If she wants people to take only one drink, she’ll have to address the problem within the larger group. That’s why I encouraged the LW to reflect on who specifically is consuming so many drinks — just Bruno or a larger group.

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  37. Who was that vulture?*

    There is an old post that had a similar situation, or maybe it was a comment. The vulture’s boss called him out. The vulture complained that he needed the food to feed his kids. The boss told him that if he wasn’t able to feed his kids without stealing food at work he might have to make a CPS report for negligence. I think the vulture in that case lost his job.
    I forget the details, but remember how glad I was that the boss had the backbone to speak up and make the vulture face consequences.

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  38. A Book about Metals*

    Bruno sounds a bit uncouth, but also kind of charming in a devil may care way. I would like to nominate him for chair of the department

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  39. Not your typical admin*

    I wonder if part of the issue is his transition from being a student (even a grad student) to being full time faculty. It seems like it’s a lot more socially acceptable for young students to take “free” food. Now he’s a professional he needs to learn new norms.

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  40. Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom*

    Since this academia and higher education, I’m not at all surprised. A lot of faculty are just plain cheap about expenses, and why should they have to pay for food if there are extras? I would be very careful about admonishing him because he will become resentful and not take you seriously. He does know what he is doing, and will not be embarrassed, but his ego will be upset that you told him not to do something. It is best that it comes from his chair or a senior faculty member. I’ve seen things like this go side-ways.

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  41. Crencestre*

    Yes, please, as his mentor do all you can to nip this in the bud! He’s a FACULTY MEMBER, not a frat boy, and he should be starting to behave with a little more gravitas – and maturity. You do NOT want him to wind up like those incredibly selfish, highly paid executives who make off with entire trays of food meant for a dozen people or more!

    I like the idea of making a firm rule that only students may take leftovers and ONLY after everyone has had the chance to eat what they want. The students too need to learn acceptable social behavior on the job – and that doesn’t include stealing food and being obliviously selfish.

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    1. judyjudyjudy*

      Sorry I was being so selfish getting two extra pizza slices when I was making $26,000 per year in grad school.

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  42. Larpez*

    As someone who works with faculty in a center for teaching and learning, taking extra food is common enough (just not multiple drinks or all of a thing). It seems good to focus just on transparently communicating norms. If there’s frequently leftover food you ask folks to take with them, letting him know that norms include not taking shelf stable stuff or stuff that likely won’t have leftovers if most people take one is clear enough with venturing into the “you’ll be known as x” territory. And there’s a whole range of financial situations folks are in, including faculty with salaries, so though that wouldn’t correspond to taking all of a dessert, there’s always the possibility of tight finances at play in the lives of folks we don’t know well.

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  43. Dawn*

    I think maybe Bruno just hasn’t quite fully made the transition from “perpetually broke college student” to “full-time employee” yet. Please help him do so before he gets set in his ways.

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  44. KB*

    Peter Viereck (check Wikipedia) was said to show up at any buffet with plastic bags in his pockets. I swear I remember seeing it myself, but … well that was over 40 years ago.

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  45. Despachito*

    Why beat around the bush? Why not take the simplest solution and just tell Bruno: You are not allowed to take so much food, put it back.

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  46. MassChick*

    I feel compelled to speak up for vultures who play a critical role in maintaining our ecosystem and clean up what no one else wants (unlike this faculty member).

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  47. PurpleCattledog*

    LW don’t put out food that isn’t available to be eaten. If you’re catering 2 events, keep side the food for the second from the get go. People will commonly adjust how much they take based on what is out. Many events are wildly under or over catered – if it looks like there’s plenty of food people will eat as much as they want (I don’t go without if there’s food available I want to eat, but I will if there’s not enough).

    But completely agree you should speak with him in your role as mentor.

    Just politely explain, taking an oh I get this isn’t necessarily clear approach, that while you can sometimes take food away it’s only once the organisers have completed the event and it’s never drinks or anything unopened because those are kept for the next event.

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    1. HonorBox*

      To your first point: it may not always be feasible to do it this way. If someone has back to back sessions which is how the dessert situation appears, setting out food a second time may take more time than the LW has between the two. If the caterer set up with the thought that they are feeding 200 in back to back meetings, they might prep larger quantities and set those out with proper heating or cooling. There may not be place to adequately store 100 extra sandwiches for the second meeting or enough ravioli for 100 people. In principle your suggestion works great. In practice it probably doesn’t.

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  48. It's Marie - Not Maria*

    People are weird about free food. I have shared the story of the Contractor I once worked with before here.

    This person was always the first in line for any food, even if it wasn’t for his department or even his company (we had four partner companies in the same building). He would even try to get his food before Clients or VIP Visitors if someone did not physically block him. He was another Bruno, where he would heap his plate up, and tuck whatever extra he could in his pockets. He would also try to line up for seconds before everyone had a chance to get their food. This issue was addressed with him several times (being in HR, you know these things.) He was paid very well, so not sure why he was doing this, but you never know someone’s personal situation.

    It came time for him to be reviewed to see if he would be moving from Contract to Regular Employee. He was absolutely shocked when he was told that not only were we not hiring him, his contract was not being renewed. His gluttony and disrespectful conduct towards others were specifically provided as the main reason for these decisions. I heard through the grapevine a couple years later he was still complaining about not being hired by our Company.

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  49. pickleball3*

    Hmm…I knew someone like this and it had nothing to do with them being a jerk, and 100% to do with a deeply ingrained poverty mentality that came from a rather difficult childhood, which when it kicked in would pretty much blot out all other social mores. He also suffered from a sort of ADHD-driven time blindness that really did appear to make him unaware that he wasn’t a starving 20-year-old student anymore who might be given a pass for this behavior.

    He was in his late 30s and doing OK financially, but would still fill his pockets with stuff when there was food at his job or other events. I also once attended a birthday dinner for him at a casual restaurant (he was 37 at the time) and he actually asked people if he could have the leftovers off their plates at the end of the meal, then proceeded to devour them while people got their coats on and sort of pretended it wasn’t happening. He was known among his friend group as a funny & charming and um rather eccentric art guy, but also sort of a sad, shabby puppydog who really did not get certain things about the adult world.

    He would continue to wear clothes and shoes that were literally falling apart (I actually saw him once with two different shoes on because even though the mate of each pair was too far gone he could still get wear out of the ones that were left this way), scrape the mold off old food in the fridge and eat it, saved used tinfoil and every empty yogurt container and jar, etc., all because he was so terrified of spending money and had a very strong image of himself as someone who didn’t know where his next meal was coming from. It was sad.

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