weekend open thread – January 25-26, 2025

by Alison Green on January 24, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: God of the Woods, by Liz Moore. A teenager disappears from the summer camp her family owns, 14 years after her older brother similarly disappeared. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

You may also like:
{ 645 comments }

{ 645 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

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    2. Six Feldspar*

      I love that Griffin is fully committing to this attempted hostile takeover and Grendel is mostly absentmindedly batting him away!

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      1. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

        Grendel is just like “Sir, *please*. I have more important matters to attend, such as sitting atop this post. Cease your nonsense.”

        Griffin is having none of that. :D

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        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          The toes to watch are actually Griffin’s toes on his back feet; they’re extremely long for his body size. I always compliment him on his long, elegant toes.

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    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I had to watch it twice. I’m such a worrywart I was afraid for the TV the first time through.

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  3. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Decided to go back and rewatch season 1 of Severance, as we had forgotten a lot of details, and so glad we did. e.g. Cobell sitting at her desk, playing with the finger trap, with murder in her eyes. The first episode of season 2 was really good at laying out new mysteries.

    I’m not into office comedies, so you would think a platonic ideal of an office where you truly do not understand the TPS reports on a metaphysical level wouldn’t be my jam, but it is so well executed. Like Only Murders, which I adore even though I don’t like true crime podcasts. Both remind me of an observation when The Sixth Sense was a hit: It was a compelling story well told, and so the producers chasing “audiences want to be scared” or “audiences want twists” were going to be disappointed.

    Also watched The Year Earth Changed, about how wildlife responded to humans pulling out of their space due to covid, and that was great. Compelling short (about 45 minutes) documentary on Apple.

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    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I’ve been watching The Great. I’m on the sixth episode of the first season. It’s well done, but I had to take a break for a while.

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      1. Isabel Archer*

        An underrated series, IMHO. The writing is so clever, the humor and the humanity so well blended, and the chemistry between the leads is off the charts. I hope you finish it!

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    3. Seashell*

      I watched Maid on Netflix. For someone whose acting often gets bashed, Andie McDowell was really great as the mentally unstable mother. I found it hard to believe that the little girl was so well-behaved all the time, but I thought it was good overall.

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      1. Frieda*

        I haven’t seen the series yet but fun fact, Andie McDowell (Rose Qualley) and thus her daughter Margaret Qualley who are in the series, and Stephanie Land, the author of the book on which the series is based, both have ties to Missoula, Montana – Land lives there now and Qualley’s family had a ranch nearby in the 1990s. No idea whether there’s any actual causal connection there but it’s interesting!

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    4. Teapot Translator*

      I’m re-watching Marple because I need some confort TV. I haven’t been feeling well the past few days.

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    5. WellRed*

      Loving the new season of tye Rookie and Will Trent. For “fall asleep tv” I just discovered third watch, a middling show about first responders from practically before they were called first responders. Funnily: half the characters are in more recent similar shows like Greys and Station 19.

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    6. Victoria, Please*

      Watching *The Equalizer* with Queen Latifa. Basically it’s Batman except she’s way cooler. I’m enjoying it; my husband thinks it’s simplistic and predictable. Why yes, the good guys always win! That’s why I like it.

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        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          Also love seeing what she wears and her hairstyles. Plus it’s fun to watch Lorraine Toussaint, especially after she was an amazing villain in Orange is the New Black.

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      2. Msd*

        I liked the show when it first started. She was helping regular people who were in trouble. Then it became more of a spy/government/ terrorist plot type of show. Disappointing.

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    7. RC*

      I think I said last week: on AppleTV, we’re kind of trying to get through Loot (because let’s be honest, I’ll watch Maya Rudolph do most anything), and Shrinking (which we might give up on because every character is so annoying and making bad/unethical decisions), but previously enjoyed catching up on Acapulco which is delightful and for some reason not advertised anywhere.

      Also we started watching The Traitors, entirely for Bob the Drag Queen, so that’ll probably last as long as he’s on there. Sorry not sorry I don’t care much that Zac Efron has an influencer brother or something lol.

      EXTREMELY excited for the newest season of Taskmaster, but we have to wait… some amount of time for that now?? Sigh!

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      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        I was so impatient for the official cast announcement, and now I’m still in agony waiting for the air date! I need to see Jason Mantzoukas competing on Taskmaster as soon as possible, dammit!

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      2. Anon Poster*

        I’ve tried Taskmaster a few times over the years and found it stressful (I couldn’t help but picture myself publicly failing every task, I don’t have the right kind of brain to be on this show), but I gave it another try recently and now it’s pretty much all I’ve watched for the past three weeks. Not sure exactly what switch flipped in my brain, but I love it now.

        I also gave up on Shrinking, for the reasons you mentioned. I enjoyed Harrison Ford, though. I liked seeing him be a little goofy.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I came around on Shrinking, but it’s that odd show where I dislike the main character but like the people around him.

          Harrison Ford’s Pete really resonates for me right now. Partly for how he works at accepting that his world is shrinking in important ways and will continue to do that; partly for how he’s the only one of the three psychiatrists who can both recognize his bad pattern and then take steps to break the pattern. I feel like “This is an awful disease and will get worse and there is no cure” (see also Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist) is almost never shown as a side plot. Even though having this happen to a family member is a common experience, as is someone trying to make the most of what they still do have.

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      3. Dear Liza dear liza*

        Oh, SHRINKING. I loved SCRUBS and TED LASSO, so I feel like I should love it. And there are moments of humor, but the boundary crossing is so gross and unethical. And…why does Bill Lawrence have to make his wife’s character so awful? I swear she plays the same TERRIBLE person in SCRUBS, COUGARTOWN, and SHRINKING.

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        1. RC*

          Heh, yeah, I’m not going to psychoanalyze why Christa Miller keeps playing The Same Character over and over again..

          It’s just annoying because Harrison Ford and Jessica Williams are both portrayed as mostly professionals, and yet HF starts a full-blown relationship with his own MD (yes it’s age-appropriate but still wildly unprofessional!!) and JW has her student ..over to her house to work on projects, where she hears all about her messy personal life? Do you not have an office?? For office hours?? Also, do not get me started on the subplot yet again where two characters have gotten married without apparently ever having any conversation about whether they want kids, and yet OF COURSE the one who is on the no-side, completely comes around to “yes” within the space of a 30-min episode. (Setting aside for one second that none of that is how baby adoptions actually happen, I’m pretty sure.)

          I think the only character I pretty much like all the time is Derek, which is a weird place for me lol.

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    8. KatCardigans*

      My husband and I watched all of Building Outside the Lines this week. It’s an HGTV-type show on Max that’s about a builder and his teenage stepdaughter who repurpose unconventional materials to upgrade people’s homes in South Dakota. They’re not really building or remodeling houses so much as adding interesting sheds and accessories, so the stakes aren’t super high and the results are interesting. It was cozy to watch and I appreciated that it did not require brainpower. I even let my toddler watch a bit with us.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        When my kids were small we didn’t have TV but their grandparents did. So when we visited for the weekend they would wake up at the crack of dawn, heat up one of grandpa’s microwave pizzas, and watch a House Hunters marathon on HGTV. They were decades away from buying a house, but something about ruminating on the choices was very engaging for them.

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    9. GoodNPlenty*

      I have the DVD set of The Prisoner and am about to start a marathon. I watch it all the way through about once every 1-2 years. It’s always a revelation.

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    10. hedgehog in a ball*

      I just returned to season 1 of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman! I need my nostalgia just now. I’ve watched 5 episodes and so far Sully has solved a problem by throwing a tomahawk at it in 4/5.

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    11. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      New series of Drag Race (OG US version), I have missed the last few but decided to get back on the train and I’m enjoying it – helping me get through a bleak January.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Not violent. The scary is much more the existential “Why am I in this room? And why can’t I remember who I am, or my home or family or anything?”

        It’s not the jump scare of “What’s around the corner?” but the slow dread of “Do these corridors never end?”

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      3. ThatGirl*

        There are a few brief scenes where people have violent moments, mostly off screen, but no, it’s not a scary or violent show broadly speaking.

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    14. Nervous Nellie*

      I just finished and greatly enjoyed Humans, a British short series (3 seasons) about ‘synthetic humans’ (robots) and their impact and integration into British society. Heavy stuff, and fascinating. I am now glued to Killing Eve (4 seasons) , a very stylish cat and mouse tale of a British off-book MI6 analyst (Canadian Sandra Oh playing an American) chasing an elusive, seductive & maddeningly flippant serial killer/assassin all over Europe. Both are free right now on Tubi. Both highly recommended!

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    15. The OG Sleepless*

      Husband and I are watching the last season of Yellowstone. I have mixed feelings about it but it’s definitely compelling, and to be honest I can watch people working with horses and cattle in almost anything and be happy (grew up on a farm and started out wanting to be a large animal vet).

      On the treadmill I’m watching the last season of The Crown, and it’s good but watching it makes me feel icky. The early seasons were more like history, but now that I’m watching events I remember, about people who are still alive and are aware they’re the subject of a Netflix drama, it feels uncomfortably voyeuristic.

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    16. Pieforbreakfast*

      Just started Detroiters on Netflix. Two best friends who have an ad agency that does the local lawyers and furniture store ads but want to do more. While being totally goofy and silly together, and sharing their love of Detroit. It’s Tim Robinson of I Think You Should Leave fame and you can see some of that show in this but not to the same level.

      Also watching St Denis, a hospital comedy that’s more accurate to the medical field than usual, funny and smart.

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    17. Chaordic One*

      “The Good Karma Hospital” on my local PBS station is a show that I’ve found to be decidedly different and enjoyable.

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    18. Writerling*

      I watched s2 of The Night Agent (for funsies), and it was… about as coherent as I expected. Which is to say, best to keep the brain off for it, but they do get you with the suspense, so there’s that.

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  4. Miss Chanandler Bong*

    Anyone else completely over the weather that the eastern-midwestern US has been getting? Too cold, and snow in the craziest places. I’m heading to Florida (Disney) for vacation and am so excited to have temperatures above freezing, lol.

    Reply ↓
      3. Miss Chanandler Bong*

        Nothern Florida on the panhandle did. Central Florida did not. It was in the 50s. South Florida was in the 70s.

        Basically, Florida was trying to have all four seasons in one day in different parts of the state.

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    2. Snacattack*

      I’ll be the dissenter—I’m in NY state, and I’m loving it. Been out on my xc skis four times this week. I do appreciate not everyone shares my interests. Hope Disney is a good respite for you! But better you than me…

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      1. Miss Chanandler Bong*

        Haha, yeah, skiing is absolutely not for me! Not only do I hate the cold, my poor asthmatic lungs would rebel.

        It is certainly more comfortable walking around the parks this time of year than in the summer, though.

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      2. StarHunter*

        We are in a snow drought in my part of upstate eastern NY. I have a place to xc ski a mile from my house, but there is barely any snow on the ground. It’s my favorite thing to do after work and it’s lighted until 10:00 at night!

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        1. Frieda*

          Yeah, I’m in the midwest and so far this winter has been nothing for snow. I have snowshoes and x-country skis just languishing.

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      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Daughter in the west reports that the extreme bitter cold is great for keeping other people away from the ski slopes.

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    3. Harlowe*

      This cold is so miserably expensive. Our house is fully electric and last month’s bill was over $500, despite keeping it so cold that my houseplants are struggling.

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      1. Miss Chanandler Bong*

        Oof. Yes, I hear ya. Our heat went off overnight, so we’ve had repair costs, in addition to running space heaters. Also had bathroom pipes freeze so we had one operational shower. At least we still had one that worked!

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      3. LizWings*

        I’m worried about my plants, too! Our house heat just can’t keep up when windchills dip into single digits and below. This is our 2nd year in our very old house and I’ve finally realized that No, I shouldn’t shower in the bathroom that’s only 50 degrees, just because it’s the ensuite of the main bedroom. I should go use my kid’s hallway bathroom, instead, because there’s a cozy radiator in there. So I feel like I’m back in the dorms in college, toting my shower stuff down the hallway to the bathroom to take a shower.

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    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I am so very much over it. I used to think that very cold weather was more tolerable than very hot because you can always put on more layers, whereas you can only remove just so many layers in summer and it’s still too hot, but the last 3 weeks have made that opinion untenable. I now equally detest extreme cold and extreme heat, and I live in a 4-season location that gives me 6-8 weeks per year of each extreme at our current iteration of climate change. So… over … it.

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      1. Miss Chanandler Bong*

        I think for me it’s the effects that this weather has on my body. The aching joints, the chapped lips…

        And then at least in the heat, you go out and it’s like “bleh” but you go back in and it’s fine. Or you go and get in a pool. The cold…I don’t wanna leave the house when it’s this cold.

        And people in my area see snow on the ground and drive completely crazy. The roads can be fine and they STILL drive worse than usual. Worse offender was a guy driving around on a flat tire.

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    5. Morning Reader*

      Well, yes. It’s not too bad in my location but we had two days of under 10 degree temps, and that makes it difficult or impossible for so many things. Machines don’t work (diesel fuel and lubes have trouble so cold) and people can’t breathe or have exposed skin for more than a few minutes without danger. One feels one needs a space suit. But I’m a northerner and feel I can handle a few days of the worst once a season. Basically do not go outside.
      What I am *really* over is climate deniers who can’t see the clear writing on the wall, with wildfires, hurricanes, floods, blizzards, etc and are still… well let’s burn more fossil fuels! We don’t need no stinking wind energy and we’ll fart diesel fumes on your EV just for fun.
      And, those who push to go to Mars, as if that were any solution. You think it’s cold now! Go to Mars already, freeze at 80 below (on average) and btw no air to breathe and you can’t make it home (back to earth.) if that sounds appealing, just move to the Antarctic and leave Mars alone.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        See, I am desperate to send certain people to Mars, where (so far) there doesn’t seem to be any natural biota to carelessly wreck havoc on. If earth is one of the few planets (nearby?) that has things like whales and crows and spiders, we need to get a lot of people the heck off this planet, STAT.

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      2. goddessoftransitory*

        It amazes me how many people think of Mars as some easy to get to resort! Even in Sci Fi the only shows I remember seeing that postulate that being a pioneer would suck big time were Babylon 5 and The Expanse (and with the former we had an established colony.)

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I loved that aspect of The Expanse–that living on Mars or an asteroid or a space station would be hard on humans. (And that, if you were offered the chance to instead colonize an Earth-analogue where you could go outside and everything, those other outposts might empty out.)

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          1. goddessoftransitory*

            The one thing I liked about Zach Snyder’s Superman were the shots of all the abandoned outposts and colonies from the empire that the giant, useless army was still guarding against absolutely nothing.

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      3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        Not just the cold: the Wintersmiths’ A City on Mars explains the other reasons why colonizing Mars this century wouldn’t work, including poison soil and month-long dust storms.

        Part of their point is that if people can make Mars, the Moon, or space stations habitable, the same techniques can be used to improve the environment here on Earth.

        The authors are still optimistic about the possibilities of colonizing if people first take a few centuries to, if not terraform Mars, at least get the perchlorates out of the soil.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Part of their point is that if people can make Mars, the Moon, or space stations habitable, the same techniques can be used to improve the environment here on Earth.

          This. I’m a huge nerd, and my love of space exploration stories is rooted in shows like Star Trek, where you head out to explore from an abundance mindset. We’re humans, and exploring is what we do. The argument “Welp, climate less stable on Earth, we should divert all our resources to establishing a last tiny outpost of humanity on a radiation-blasted rock” is not a smart one! (I enjoyed Interstellar, but in the postlogue I was left thinking “… Did we really save only the relatives of people who work at NASA? Like, I get why the rest of humanity might have had a problem with secretly diverting their taxes to that. Also how did the corn fungus not transfer to the space station?”)

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          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I mean, I get the “do this mission and we save your family” angle, I suppose, but are these relations going to bring any special skills or anything to the brave new world?

            And yes, fungi, smuts and what have you would travel merrily along, as long as a single spore escaped notice.

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    6. sagewhiz*

      Take heart, Spring is on the way. Flocks of the robins who head south for the winter arrived in Tampa yesterday on their trek north, so everyone who’s freezing even more than we are, take heart, it’ll begin to warm up in the next few weeks. (and we are sick of being cold! It’s 38 degrees, wind chill much lower, as I write this)

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    7. Falling Diphthong*

      First day this winter it’s bitter cold and my spouse is gone, so I have to walk the dog in the early morning when it’s single digits. I broke out doughty scarf, which my daughter made me and has become “the thing I wear every time it’s below 20 and I need to walk the dog.” Dog made sure to do her business where I would need to take off my giant mittens and coax the poo bag open.

      Dog absolutely loves the bitter cold and rolls joyously in the snow, disappointed only that it is not possible to swim on these days.

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      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        It is super cold and dry here, and a windstorm caused some leaks (now patched). Need a new roof, but my insurance agent asked the magical question, ‘how old is the current one?” My answer, “Er, about 30 years? I think?” So oops, I’m arranging the financing (half cash, half innocent new credit card with 0% interest for 21 months which I am about to abuse bigly).

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    8. The OG Sleepless*

      Two snowfalls back to back in Atlanta has certainly been exciting. We get EXTREMELY dramatic over snow. At least they’ve both been short, and snow is always pretty and exciting. The cold isn’t too bad; I’m wearing the heck out of my heaviest sweaters that I’ve hardly touched in two years. But I’m ready for one of our random 60 degree days that are usually sprinkled throughout the winter.

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    9. IT Manager*

      Honestly? This is the first time in a loooong time that we’ve had snow/cold long enough to get used to it. Now I know where all my layers are, where my snow boots go when I get inside, which hat lets me walk the dog without frostbite. I find I kinda like it! It’s much better than the mud and slush we would normally be having.

      Also the river is still frozen over and it’s so pretty!

      Don’t ask me about my utilities bills this month though ;-(

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    10. Elizabeth West*

      It’s much easier and cheaper for me to keep my little apartment warm than it is to cool it off. Not wild about needing 85 layers of clothing to go anywhere, though. About this time of the year, I start to get tired of wearing a coat.

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    1. Past Lurker*

      I brought a blackberry cake home to share with family from a favorite café. It’s a bright spot on an otherwise challenging week.

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    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I found out that using the water from boiling potatoes instead of plain water makes the most amazing bread in my bread-maker. It’s more tender and stays fresh longer (the latter of which is a mystery to me, but here we are, surrounded by the mysteries of life).

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      1. Six Feldspar*

        Might be the extra starch? The yeastie beasties love it when I make bread with whey so I think they appreciate the extra protein, maybe it’s giving them a quick boost before they get to work on the flour?

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      2. Falling Diphthong*

        When I cleaned out my freezer I found frozen bags of potato water. Apparently I had been very optimistic about both the amount of bread I would be making, and that I would remember that I had stored away the starchy water for it.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          (Specifically, I don’t normally bake my own bread, with any type of water, so the optimism was truly off the charts.)

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    3. Evvy*

      My friend who’s been out of town came back! We spent the whole day out, browsing bookshops and visiting a museum and having lunch at a really great Indian buffet (Fridays are my day off!)

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    4. Tradd*

      Onyx Storm, the third book of the Fourth Wing series, dropped onto my Kindle app at midnight Tuesday and I finished it Wednesday night (so two evenings of reading until late). Ending is totally unexpected. We learn what Violet’s second signet is in this book. I wish I had read the second book again before this one. OMG. Will start Fourth Wing again this weekend and then read Iron Flame and Onyx Storm again.

      Squeeee! :)

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    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I walked past an unassuming storefront with blinds covering all but the bottom 1-2 feet of the windows and a bunch of signs saying, “Don’t tap on the glass — we’re trying to sleep!”

      I looked down, and there were a bunch of lined boxes, baskets, and swings up near the bottom of the windows with several dozing cats in them. It was very therapeutic to watch them.

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    7. RagingADHD*

      We got to go to Star Wars: A New Hope In Concert with our local symphony.

      I’ve seen the movie so many times, but I don’t think I’ve seen it on the big screen since it came out when I was a little kid.

      That, plus the live music is making it hit like I’m seeing it for the first time. It’s hard to get my kids to understand what a huge deal this movie was at the time. There was nothing else like it. But I think this experience is a little closer for them. Even my non-geek kid who doesn’t give a flip about Star Wars is into it, because the emotional impact is so tangible.

      It seems like a lot of regional symphonies have been doing this one lately. If you get the opportunity, definitely make time. It’s awesome!

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      1. Six Feldspar*

        I grew up watching the original trilogy and the music is such a key part! Nobody does it like John Williams…

        Related: my mum is the one who raised us to be star wars fans and she told us about seeing A New Hope in cinemas as a teenager, and people were literally gasping at the opening shot of the giant star destroyer.

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        1. Rara Avis*

          My husband was taken to see one of the movies in a dome -shaped theater in the area (now gone, alas), and he remembers the visceral impact of the cruiser coming in over his head.

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        3. Falling Diphthong*

          I was 9, and still remember that opening shot. It was so incredible, like nothing I’d seen before. The stuff that is now routine, like the flying car (done with mirrors, I learned, to reflect the desert and hide the wheels), was all being executed at an amazing level that we just had never seen.

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          1. Angstrom*

            Oh yeah. Leia’s ship went over, and that was amazing, and then the Star Destroyer went over and it was HUUUUGE. Completely boggled.

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        4. GoryDetails*

          Oh gosh, yes. I saw it in the theater and was blown away – and not just by the opening sequence, though that brought gasps from the audience. The place was packed, and the audience was so into the experience that it boosted it even more. Heck, when Darth Vader first appeared, everybody hissed! I hadn’t seen that level of audience involvement in a movie in a long time.

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          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            It was such a great high to see that movie! I was the 2nd-to-last person to see it in my elementary school, but when my dad finally took me, we had the best time. It was snowing as we were leaving the movie theater, and the snowflakes were streaming towards the car. My dad reached down to change gears and said, “We’re going into hyperdrive!”

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        5. Water Everywhere*

          The way that star destroyer picked tiny child me up and pulled me completely into the story. I still feel echoes of that enchantment whenever I watch that scene.

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          1. Six Feldspar*

            I honestly still expect to have A New Hope start playing whenever I hear the 20th century fox theme play, no matter *what* movie is actually on…

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          2. Reluctant Mezzo*

            My husband and I were lucky enough to see Empire Strikes Back in a Cinema 150, and we got there early enough to get center seats, even though they were high up. Magnificent!

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    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The door between my house and garage got replaced! The old one was PROBABLY the original (from mid-80s) and it didn’t latch consistently, it was loose and wobbly, you could see light around parts of it (which meant it was constantly drafty), the knob/lock was the kind of thing you’d put on an interior bathroom door. So we finally got it replaced with one that’s properly up to code, has the appropriate fire resistance rating, it’s sturdy, it’s steel (which means I can put magnets on it for those “don’t forget this coupon on the way out the door” situations), and we put a proper deadbolt on it that ties into our security system, which also means it has a smart lock (so it will automatically lock itself at night) and a keypad that will, when I use it to unlock the garage door to come in, also deactivate the alarm so I don’t have to run for the main keypad to punch in the code while the alarm is giving me the “I’m about to scream for help” warning beeps. And as part of the work, they also replaced the threshold under it which was also loose and wobbly and a tripping hazard. In general, I’m super pleased with the results. :)

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    9. RussianInTexas*

      The snow storm turned into a fun snow day and not a catastrophe (like last time). We were prepared, but it was fine and fun.

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    11. Elle Woods*

      I finally realized someone in my life was an energy vampire. She didn’t like something I posted on social media about the weather, sent me a long rant about it, and then unfollowed and unfriended me across all platforms. I’ll admit, I was a bit hurt at first until I realized how one-sided the relationship was. Now all I feel is relief.

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    12. The OG Sleepless*

      OK, don’t laugh, but I got a new stick vacuum, and went around my house delightedly vacuuming like a lunatic.

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I want one! We got that vinyl wood flooring in our apartment so I only use the vacuum for the furniture now, and it’s drag hauling it around.

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      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I have one I need to put together, which I will use to vacuum the car. (I have the baby Dalek for my usual vacuum cleaner, and it will vacuum the car, but the setup to use it outside is ridiculous).

        Reply ↓
    13. Nona Selah*

      the bluebirds in my yard this week. It’s been so cold and they are all puffed up and proud! They’ve been strutting and sparring around the feeder. I think they are last season’s brood. Plus a pair has claimed or reclaimed the bluebird house already and appear to be bringing stuff to make a nest.
      Also saw a goldfinch. Don’t see those too often!

      Reply ↓
      1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        This reminds me that we were in the park 2 days ago and saw 8(!) squirrels chasing each other around a huge tree for several minutes. Then one broke away and ran across the path for a different tree, followed by 4(!) other squirrels, all in a line. It was hilarious and crazy.

        Reply ↓
      2. Formerly in HR*

        I saw a ruby-crowned kinglet on my way back from shopping. Very active and not caring I was 2 steps away and was watching. I was first unsure of its type, but then the ruby spot gave it away – as I saw some years ago in a park. Also saw a coyote in front of my (very urban) building, it was serendipity that I got to the window and noticed the rust-coloured movement behind the trees – what I thought to be a cat turned out to be a coyote that then turned to show its full body and sat there for a while.

        Reply ↓
    14. Kathenus*

      I’ve had a crap week, but one day the internet went out on my work computer at 5:03pm (I’m salaried and often work late), so I went home and had a really great evening getting home early.

      Reply ↓
    15. Falling Diphthong*

      I remembered that the Winter Farmer’s Market is happening when it was actually open, and had a glorious grilled cheese sandwich from the grilled cheese sandwich truck. Also have a bunch of root vegetables and some jam.

      Reply ↓
    16. chocolate muffins*

      My son and I went to the library together this morning and then had a yummy brunch. I am really soaking in this time with him, and also really happy about how much he enjoys books.

      Reply ↓
    17. Bike Walk Barb*

      Out for a walk in the small rhododendron park near my house, I heard an irregular knocking sound. Hunted until I found the source: a big pileated woodpecker knocking away at the trunk of a standing dead tree until it could tear loose big chunks of bark and throw them to the side. Then it cocked its head to one side, then the other, listening for insects, until it went back to hammering away to get more bark off. I stood there entranced for quite a while. I know it’s instinct but it sure looks like determination.

      Reply ↓
    19. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

      I’ve literally just finished a nice big pot of pasta e fagioli for a soup competition at church tomorrow. :D I don’t expect I’ll win but I know it’ll go over very well!

      Reply ↓
    20. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I have been sick this week and very grumpy about it, but my husband and I just tried a recipe from a new cookbook he just got (Anything’s Pastable) with some new-to-us ingredients and it was really delicious!

      Reply ↓
  6. WellRed*

    Seeking pillow recommendations from the trusted commentariat. I feel like google and Amazon are recommending paid products. I ordered two “firm” pillows from macys but knew before I got them home they were too soft. At target tonight they all felt too soft. They did have a Caspar cooling pillow that seems fairly firm though it was mostly enclosed in a damn box. Anyone tried one or have any recommendations for this middle ager who carries the weight of the world on her neck & shoulders?

    Reply ↓
    1. Middle Aged Lady*

      I have liked Tempurpedic and Softex pillows. I got the ones for side sleepers that have a hollow built in so your neck has support and your head rests in thr hollow. The tempurpedic was firmer than the softex. Both have lasted for several years without any loss of firmness. It has also helped me to use a thin pillow between my knees to straighten out my body while sleeping. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    2. Teapot Translator*

      Silly question; is there a store where you can go and try the pillows? Last time I bought a pillow, I went to a mattress store and the salesperson had me try like a dozen of pillows.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        Not a silly question. If I’d gone in person in the first place, I would have gotten better pillows ; ) Plenty of local options, no IKEA.

        Reply ↓
    3. talos*

      It was expensive, but I’m so far liking the memory foam pillow I got at…Target, I think? It’s firm yet three-dimensional, which is what I was looking for.

      Reply ↓
    5. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I have Lands End pillows and really like them. I’ve had them coming up two years and they’re still firm.

      Reply ↓
    6. Six Feldspar*

      If you’re somewhere with an Aldi they do special buys every now and then and that’s where I’ve got my pillows the last couple of times, the memory foam pillows are nice and firm

      Reply ↓
    7. Reba*

      My spouse loves his shredded latex pillow. Pricey but very nice, it has a little bit of give but is also firm and springy? Not sure how to describe it.

      Reply ↓
      1. osmoglossum*

        I have shredded latex pillows, too, and I adore them — been using them for about 15 years and it’s like they’re brand new.

        Reply ↓
    8. Harlowe*

      I shelled out for two different Sleep Number pillows after my husband had back surgery. They are expensive sponges, do not recommended.

      Reply ↓
    9. Survivor*

      You want a firm pillow? The hardest pillows I’ve ever encountered are the tempurpedic ones. I’ve seen them at mattress stores that sell tempurpedic mattresses. Be forewarned, they also weigh a ton

      Reply ↓
      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        I have a Tempurpedic and it is FIRM. The only pillow I’ve ever had that is almost too firm for me. (I also have a Tempurpedic body pillow I got when recovering from minor surgery, so I wouldn’t roll onto my stomach, and it was heavy enough I wasn’t allowed to lift it if it fell off the bed for the first week.)

        Reply ↓
    11. Esprit de l'escalier*

      About 10 years ago my chiropractor sold me a pillow that I’m still using and find very comfortable and supportive. I was a back sleeper then and am a side sleeper now, and it was and is great for both. I did a google search on “memory foam pillow with neck support” which yielded two that look very similar to my pillow (both available on amazon and probably other places): Sleep Innovations Memory Foam Contour Pillow and UTTU Cervical Pillow.

      Reply ↓
    12. Always Science-ing*

      I’ve have several Nova form pillows from Costco that are nice and firm for side sleeping. It looks like Costco in my country has multiple options. And because it’s Costco, if it ends up not being right for your needs you’ll be able to return it.

      Reply ↓
    13. office hobbit*

      The contoured shape others have mentioned works really well for me too (I tend toward shoulder pain/tension headaches). But the two I tried were the wrong shape for my head and neck. What I’ve used for over five years now is a down pillow that I squish into a contoured shape every night. Once you lie down, it feels fairly firm (to me, anyway). The specific pillow I have is from Target but no idea if they still carry ones like this. Ikea also has down pillows for reasonable prices, though I think their down isn’t as fine.

      Reply ↓
    14. AusLibrarian*

      I’m in Australia, so brands will differ, but find a latex (not shredded) pillow worth every cent. Holds its shape, firm enough to be supportive but soft enough to be comfortable, and as a side sleeper getting a medium profile (narrow shoulders) was perfect. Getting the right size/profile is as important for comfort as the material. Expensive purchase, but has lasted extremely well for a few years with no signs of wear.

      Reply ↓
    16. mreasy*

      I also carry tension in my neck and shoulders and my husband and I have and love the Easy Breather. It’s filled with shredded memory foam and you remove as much as you want for your desired firmness. Also you’re less likely to land in some weird position and tweak your neck because the memory foam keeps your head and neck stable. I don’t wake up with neck pain like I used to. The downside is the price, but it’s been worth it for me.

      Reply ↓
      1. All Monkeys are French*

        +1 on the Easy Breather. I love the ability to customize the firmness, and it’s holding up really well over time. I think I got mine pre-covid and it still feels about the same.

        Reply ↓
    17. The Other Dawn*

      I have a Pluto pillow and love it. I’m super picky about pillows.

      When you buy one of their pillows, you answer a bunch of questions about your proportions, how you sleep, your pillow preferences, etc. They then customize the pillow to you. My pillow was spot-on with the exception that I should have measured the height of my then-current pillow and the distance from neck to end of shoulder to get the right pillow height. I feel like I needed that extra inch of height. That said, the pillow has been perfect in terms of firmness and I adjusted to the slightly lower height. I could have returned it free of charge to get a higher pillow, but I chose to keep it. At the one year mark, they send you a discount to buy a replacement pillow with the same customizations.

      It’s not cheap – it was about $100 USD – but it was totally worth it to have a pillow that fits me and what I want.

      Reply ↓
    18. allx*

      You might try wool filled pillows for firmness. They are quite firm. If they are too firm, you can adjust to your preference by removing some of the stuffing. I bought a set two years ago from a furniture store (Room and Board) and they have not lost their firmness. But I see by a quick search that there are a lot of options.

      Reply ↓
    19. Dontbeadork*

      We have the Alpha Pillow 3D, which I backed a Kickstarter for, but I see it’s on indiegogo’s InDemand thingie now. Both husband and I love them, and we like different firmness in our pillow. He likes them softer and thought he’d hate it (and I kinda hoped that would be the case and I’d have two really firm pillows, but no…).

      He’s a side sleeper and I’m a back sleeper, and the pillows work equally well for both of us. They have a cooling core that does seem to work. While he still flips his pillow at night, it’s not nearly as often as he used to do.

      They do cost a bomb, but in the several months we’ve been using them, we’ve both decided they were well worth the money. By this point the “firm” pillows from places like Target or Walmart were already losing their shape. These guys haven’t.

      Reply ↓
    20. Decidedly Me*

      I bought a Royal Therapy contoured memory foam pillow off Amazon a few years back and love it. Great neck support and ways to customize so there are 4 height options.

      Reply ↓
    22. Elle Woods*

      I’m a side sleeper and swear by my Tempurpedic cooling pillow. I’ve had it about eight years.

      One other option is Purple. My parents got Purple pillows and absolutely love them. They’re $$$ but you can customize the thickness of them a bit to suit your needs.

      Reply ↓
    23. sleepytime*

      Wool stuffed pillows. Very firm but also the firmness is adjustable by removing some of the wool until the desired give is found. Room and Board and similar furniture stores carry. Also online sources.

      Reply ↓
    24. Mrs. Frisby*

      My pillow is a Bluewave gel memory foam pillow from Amazon, and it’s both thin and a good mix of firmness and softness and I love it. (The product description says medium firm, so I am worried it’s not firm enough for what you want, but I hate a soft squishy pillow and this is not that, so throwing it out there in case it works.) You can get a variety of thicknesses depending on your preference–my husband has the thinnest available and mine is the thickest they do, which is still quite thin.

      Reply ↓
    25. StressedButOkay*

      It’s expensive but I SWEAR by Luxome’s adjustable pillow. As a side/stomach sleeper who really likes firm pillows, this thing has been amazing.

      Reply ↓
  7. Victoria, Please*

    I want to send a huge thank you out to the universe to all the first responders, especially right now firefighters. Living in Southern California has been pretty terrifying recently.

    I am so, so, so grateful to the brave-bordering-on-crazy men and women who take this on. The rest of us need to take your lives more seriously.

    By way of doing our part, my husband and I are discussing home-hardening strategies and have gotten our evacuation plans in order. FR’s won’t have to come and shout at us to leave, we’ll be gone at the first warning.

    Reply ↓
    4. ElastiGirl*

      Amen to this. We had to evacuate for 3 days, and my kids’ hometown burned to the ground (though their childhood home is still standing). Half the people I know are all walking around in trauma and many will be for years. So grateful for our first responders.

      Reply ↓
  8. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I finished a book called A Fragile Enchantment by Alison Saft. It was a fantasy book that I think is technically listed as a YA novel but it felt a hair more mature to me than that. I enjoyed the female lead, but the male lead was too volatile for my tastes. Still fun book, though, and I would recommend it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Everyone on This Train is a Suspect by Stevenson. A mystery writers’ convention on a train that goes across the center of Australia, on which of course someone is murdered. This is a real route (the Ghan), I was enchanted to discover. Well executed, and stands alone if you haven’t read the previous one or (like me) find you are very fuzzy on what happened in it.

      After several “… nope, I do not care what happens to these people” DNFs I am enjoying Displeasure Island by Alice Bell, which I picked up from the new books at my library. Four friends (one of whom is a ghost) go on holiday to an Irish island beset by pirate ghosts and non-ghost murders. It’s like if Midsomer Murders and Scooby Doo had a child who was into drag and analyzing regional accents.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dark Macadamia*

        This one just became available from the library for me! I read the previous one earlier this month and loved it.

        Reply ↓
    2. RC*

      Someone here recommended one of the murderpies book (Misha Popp is the author). It wasn’t the most amazeballs literature I’ve ever read but turns out maybe I *am* in the mood to read about terrible men getting some comeuppance, also baked goods? And the first two anyways were quick reads, and had no waitlist on Libby which was a plus!

      Reply ↓
      1. Water Everywhere*

        And I just borrowed the first book on your recommendation because this is exactly what I’m in the mood for, thanks!

        Reply ↓
        1. RC*

          I will be curious if you also spot three separate typos in the version you get :) (I got it off Libby). I thought it started off a bit slow but then I got surprisingly into it. Also made me want some pie.

          Reply ↓
    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m reading The Practice, the Horizon, and the Chain, by Sofia Samatar. The language is so breathtaking that I’m reading it slowly so I don’t finish too soon.

      Reply ↓
    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Just finished *The Two Mrs. Grenvilles*, Dominick Dunne’s fictionalization of Truman Capote’s role writing all about the “Ann Woodward killing her husband” mid-fifties scandal in *Answered Prayers*. Ironically, I think Dominick Dunne complains in a later novel that he is shunned by some of his society friends, much as Truman Capote was, or maybe he is still in his Capote persona in the later novel and I just didn’t pick up on it then.

      Anyway, I enjoyed *The Two Mrs. Grenvilles* — although supposedly a novel, it felt to me more like true crime meets historical fiction with novelistic license thrown in for some extra drama.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        Onyx Storm, third book in Fourth Wing series (I can never spell the official series name). OMG. Finished it in two evenings. Came out Tuesday. I’m glad I like ebooks as I don’t have to wait! Ending is astonishing. We find out what Violet’s second signet is.

        Reply ↓
      2. PhyllisB*

        Read this years ago. The Two Mrs. Greenvilles was also a made for TV movie starring Ann Margaret. It was odd seeing her play a viilan after seeing her in musicals and such all my life.

        Reply ↓
    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I really liked Allison’s rec for this week (God of the Woods).

      Right now I’m reading Firekeeper’s Daughter which was billed as a thriller but feels too low-key for that to me. More coming of age with a mystery attached? It’s about an Ojibwe teen helping the FBI investigate a series of deaths related to drug use in her community and has pretty great characters, interesting setting/background.

      Also still reading Be a Revolution which is a good nonfiction companion to Firekeeper’s Daughter, actually. It’s really making me think about what abolition means and how it can happen at the individual level as well as community/larger scale.

      Reply ↓
      1. Person from the Resume*

        Firekeeper’s Daughter Was a good read, but not a thriller IMO.

        I did like God of the Woods, but then I read the author’s previous book Long Bright River and liked it more. And then I read her first “hit” The Unseen World which also very good. Basically now I’m a huge Liz Moore fan.

        Reply ↓
    6. word nerd*

      Enjoyed some of the recent recs on here: Thale’s Folly by Dorothy Gilman and The Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix

      Reply ↓
    8. goddessoftransitory*

      A million of ’em!

      Just finished a little book of Terrifying Christmas Creatures that Husband got me as a gift for me, not him, definitely not him, am I done with it yet? Yes, and I marked the page about winter werewolves.

      Just starting Sara Gran’s Dope; I’m up and down on her. I absolutely adore her mystery series, but her other stuff is very hit/miss. I hope I like this one.

      A co-worker has loaned me two MORE novels: A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters by Julian Barnes, and something called Horace Afoot By Frederick Reuss. To the latter he attached a post it saying “I’ve read this a few times but I’m not sure why.” Hmmmm.

      Reply ↓
    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just finished “Dungeon Crawler Carl” which is the first book of a series and it’s the kind of thing I generally refer to as “terribad.” Aliens invade and kill most of humanity, but the ones left end up in a sort of MMO-meets-reality-show. Think like, if Running Man met World of Warcraft? And of the two main characters, one is a dude who fell into the game in his boxers and the other is a sentient Persian cat named Princess Donut. It’s not good literature by any stretch, but if you occasionally have a hankering for a ridiculous action story and know anything about D&D or MMOs, it is at least entertaining. (Kind of like the book equivalent of the Sharknado movies. All available through Kindle Unlimited.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Clara Bowe*

        Honestly, this genre was my exact speed last year. I read the four released Demon World Boba Shop novels and they absolutely scratched this same itch.

        Reply ↓
    10. chocolate muffins*

      Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff, about a marriage where the first half of the book focuses on one partner’s perspective and the second half focuses on the other partner. The first half of the book didn’t really do it for me but the second half worked so much better for me and brought the whole thing together. Also if I went back and re-read from the beginning I might like the first half better; I think I lost track of the characters early on and didn’t really get the flow of the story until it switched perspectives halfway through.

      Reply ↓
      2. Atheist Nun*

        Thanks for your review. This book has been sitting on my Kindle for ages as an ARC. I love Groff’s short stories.

        Reply ↓
    11. Six Feldspar*

      I finished The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler and now I’m on to Fugitive Telemetry by Martha Wells in the Murderbot series… The narrators are quite similar!

      Reply ↓
      1. epicdemiologist*

        To complete the trifecta, try the movie “Yojimbo” by Akira Kurosawa, which is based on Chandler’s “Red Harvest”.

        Reply ↓
    12. Isabel Archer*

      Just read the latest Liane Moriarty, “Here One Moment.” Not as strong as her earlier novels. The primary plot contrivance doesn’t really hold up.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mrs. Frisby*

        I totally agree with you about that one! And I really enjoyed Nine Perfect Strangers which goes off the rails ridiculously, but in a way I found enjoyable. I thought Here One Moment was both a bit too long and didn’t come together in a satisfying way.

        Reply ↓
    13. allathian*

      I’m reading Eragon on my son’s recommendation and I’m enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. Sure, there are a number of fantasy tropes but the characters are reasonably interesting. The book and its young author got a lot of flak, and no doubt it required a lot of editing, but I enjoyed the story and I hope that the sequels are at least as good. Bad things happen, but there’s a refreshing thread of optimism that’s missing in many books.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hypatia*

        I liked Eragon when it came out (and so didn’t kids), and Paolini can tell a good story, but he needed a better editor for sure. The recent addition to the series (Murtagh) has some interesting aspects , but I still think he needs a stronger editor and less desperate desire to tie all things together.

        Reply ↓
      2. The Dude Abides*

        I read the first two in high school, but never got around to the other two. I too didn’t get the hate, I thought they were good as they were.

        To contribute to the main thread, I’m on book 10 of the Metamorphoses in between turns of reading through the Junior B Jones series to my daughter (wife and I take turns).

        Reply ↓
    14. Still*

      I’ve just DNFed All Fours. I loved the premise but the execution was not for me at all. I just hated being inside of the protagonist’s head and after a while the curiosity about how things were going to turn out just wasn’t enough to keep me going. Maybe I’m just too young for it, but I kind of hope I will never find it relatable.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dontbeadork*

        When I have a book like that, I skip to the end and read to see how it all turned out. I often discover that it wasn’t worth the trouble anyway, but I never have to worry about it suddenly having taken a turn for the better that I stopped reading right before it happened.

        Spoiler: They very rarely take a turn for the better. I just can’t bear to leave most books hanging.

        Reply ↓
        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Lol, are you me? I often skip to the end when a book isn’t working for me too!

          Reply ↓
        2. Falling Diphthong*

          I will also skip to the end, for those books that are not quite “I don’t care what happens next” but instead fall into “I am mildly curious to get the answer to this one thing, but not 300-pages-of-slogging curious.”

          Reply ↓
        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I might do this with All Fours. I love July’s writing so much, but that character is really working my last nerve. I assume that’s the point, but…

          Reply ↓
      2. Seashell*

        I didn’t finish it either. I’m a little older than the protagonist and have a husband and kids, and I still can’t relate. When I read the description, I thought the plot was going to be about an overwhelmed mom acting spontaneously, but it really wasn’t that. There were things about it that I liked, but I ran out of steam before it had to go back to the library.

        Reply ↓
    15. Angstrom*

      Kate Braestrup’s Anchor & Flares. Another memoir/collection of thoughts on being a chaplain and a parent, with a lot on a son’s experience joining the Marines. I like her voice — she seems like someone I’d enjoy working with.

      Reply ↓
    16. Uisce Chick*

      I read Pony Confidential in one day and it was so delightfully unhinged. I did not expect to love it but I did

      Reply ↓
    17. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading the last book in Robert McCammon’s Matthew Corbett series. I’m really sad the series is coming to an end; however, I’m excited to see how he will tie up all the loose ends. At least one character that has been a near-constant throughout the series has gotten what he deserves in the worst way possible. Very satisfying.

      Reply ↓
    18. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished Bluebird, Bluebird by Attica Locke, the first in the Highway 59 series. Black Texas Ranger gets involved into the investigation of two murders in a small town in East Texas. Race, family entanglements, old wounds.
      Right before: The Fifth Season, the first book in The Broken Earth trilogy. I am not the biggest fantasy fan, but really liked this one. Not at all cozy, or YA, or romance, no regular magic systems, elves, fairies, etc.

      Reply ↓
    19. GoryDetails*

      A quirky one: The Naga by Stella Rainbow, described as “an MM Snake Shifter x Human Paranormal Romance”. The naga of the title is a half-man/half-snake (who can shift into full-snake form) who lives in a magical Sanctuary for supernatural creatures who, for one reason or another, aren’t welcome among their own kind. He visits the mundane world – using a wheelchair to hide his snake-half – and meets a sprightly femme transman whom he promptly realizes is his destined mate. Cue lots of light, sweet getting-to-know-you, very low-angst and pro-diversity. Oh, and lots of nods to respecting each other’s privacy, getting consent, and revealing things about each other’s natures early in the relationship. The writing’s a bit simplistic overall, but sometimes you just want an angst-free romance.

      Reply ↓
    20. dreamofwinter*

      I just finished “To Shape a Dragon’s Breath” by Moniquill Blackgoose. Five stars, fantastic worldbuilding and a compelling first in a series about a Native American girl who accidentally bonds with a dragon, and the colonialistic bulls*t she then endures. Read against the backdrop of current events, it did make me angry more than once, but I recommend it without any regrets.

      Reply ↓
    21. GoryDetails*

      Little Eyes by Samanta Schweblin, a kind of techno-horror novel – I’ve liked some of the author’s short stories, will see if the novel works for me. It features a new kind of pet/toy/gadget that effectively lets people connect with someone else’s toy (one person per gadget) and see the world through that toy’s eyes while having control over its movements. There are built-in limits to how this works, and so far the book consists of short views of different characters and their reactions to the situation, both as owners of these toys and as the “riders”.

      Reply ↓
    22. GoryDetails*

      Snow Widows by Katherine MacInnes, a biography/history focusing on the wives and mothers of the five men who died on Scott’s Antarctic expedition. I’ve read quite a lot about that expedition, but while some works did delve into the life of Scott’s wife Kathleen – a noted sculptor and socialite of her day – the other men’s families didn’t get a lot of mention, so I’m interested to see how this goes.

      Reply ↓
    23. Hoary Vervain*

      Currently plowing my way through everything ever written by Alix E. Harrow, who is my new favorite author. I started with the Once and Future Witches, just finished Starling House and am starting The Ten Thousand Doors of January.

      I started because someone here recommended The Once and Future Witches as a cure to my Sarah J Maas (Throne of Glass, A Court of Thorns and Roses) hangover and it worked. They’re pretty different from each other – Harrow’s books aren’t particularly spicy and they’re more literary (not a value judgment on SJM, just a style difference). I’d also say they’re closer to magical realism than full-on fantasy (although I’m probably not the best-qualified person to make that distinction). Harrow’s writing is absolutely gorgeous and her plots are compelling. They’re not wild and grandiose (which I feel like high fantasy tends to be) but they also feel different and unique. It might just be that she also grew up in the Southeastern US, but Harrow’s books are like if Barbara Kingsolver’s books had babies with a romantasy shadow daddy and for me it is absolutely perfect.

      Reply ↓
      1. Alyn*

        If you enjoy magical realism, you might like Heather Webber – Midnight at the Blackbird Cafe, The Coffee Shop of Curiosities, The Lights of Sugarberry Cove, and several others.

        Reply ↓
    24. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me this week. For this week’s Penguin, I’m loving Ovid’s Metamorphoses. It’s a short book from about 2000 years ago of short stories (the translator calls them narrative poems), each very different, but with the common thread of transformation. By the end of each story, the main character has turned into something else. To think of the number of people who have been inspired by these tales over the millennia – marvelous.

      Also, after getting Amy Tan’s new book about birds (wow, can she draw!) at the library, I ran out and bought her autobiography/writers’ manual Where the Past Begins. It’s chock full of personal stories, but also reflections on family, difficult relationships, aging, writing, all of it. She is a national treasure.

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      1. allx*

        As part of my Penguin Classics reading challenge (thanks Nervous Nellie!), I am working my way through the boxed set of 50 mini- Modern Penguin books I bought on impulse at the end of last year. The books are small, slim, 50 page volumes of selected essays, poetry and short stories from various Penguid Modern authors. They are easy to tuck in a pocket and carry for any amount of wating. This week I read MLK: Letter From Birmingham Jail (moving and relevant), Du Maurier: The Breakthrough (disturbing); Dorothy Parker: The Custard Heart (sad), and Fernando Pessoa: I Have More Souls Than One (hypnotic, beautiful). Have also finished the selections for Allen Ginsberg, Anais Nin, Nabakov, Carson McCullers, Saul Bellow, Stanislaw Lem, Jean Rhys, Wendell Berry, Steinbeck, Shirley Jackson, and Clarice Lispector. Not all are to my liking, but I am enjoying the wide range of authors and the overall excellent writing (even when I don’t care for the topic).

        For full-length reading, yesterday I started Walker Percy’s The Moviegoer. Love the writing but too early to tell if I will like the characters/story itself. The only Walker Percy writing I’ve read before this was his forward to John Kennedy Toole’s Confederacy of Dunces.

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        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Jealous of this challenge! And yes, The Custard Heart is a fantastic story. Parker is mostly known as a humorist but a lot of her work captures the darker shades of humanity, like The Wonderful Old Gentleman. She reminds me a lot of Shirley Jackson in that respect.

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          1. allx*

            I don’t recall having read The Wonderful Old Gentleman so I’m going to look that up! I love all of Parker. I think she is just terrifc. The minis are great introductory reading but the actual goal was to include more classics in my annual reading goal.

            Nervous Nellie often wrote of Penguin Classics, and mentioned the wonderful Penguin Classics encyclopedia/guidebook (orange) by Henry Eliot, and I ordered that, then ordered the companion guidebook (pale blue) for the Modern Classics. Those two books are amazing catalogues of the authors represented in the Penguin imprint. My idea was to read through the encyclopedias to make the selections of which classics I would read. The minis are selections from the Modern series. But now I need to get on with reading full length books and not simply the Eliot encyclopedias, which are chock-full of interesting information. Very entertaining reading. In the meanwhile, I have the mini collection for sampling.

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            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Penguin has a collection of her stuff, and there’s also The Portable Dorothy Parker that contains that story, with tons of her poetry and theater reviews included.

              They’re both worth picking up, for sure–there’s overlap but each volume has pieces that the other doesn’t. The former’s very first story is “Such A Pretty Little Picture” that is just ice in the veins by the end.

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        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Allx! Happy New Year!!! I am delighted for you – so many goodies on your list! I hope the nibble of Pessoa sends you to his Book of Disquiet. It’s a trip.

          And yeah, Walker Percy! Binx Bolling is flawed and I think quite endearing. Percy’s books are of an era for sure. Back in the 80s my long disbanded book group did The Moviegoer, and two members got into a shouting match about the best actor to play most of his protagonists – Jack Lemmon (with a time machine to the 60s when the book was released) or Tom Hanks. I don’t recall who won. And yes, his writing! Like a gentler, slightly melancholic Stanley Elkin or Paul Auster. Enjoy!

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          1. allx*

            Ah, now I recall your tender postings about Book of Disquiet. I had not made the connection to this author. Book of Disquiet will definitely be on the list. I recall you using words like “dreamy” and “luxurious” when sharing your reading. That’s exactly the feeling I want from my reading! I bought three clothbound Penguins when I was in Chicago a couple weeks ago–not necessarily for the particular titles but because they were so beautiful (and fit my challenge): Madam Bovary, Sense and Sensibility, and Persuasion. I read them all a time or two over the years, and looking forward to reading again. S&S made me sad when started it a few nights ago, so maybe just not yet.

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            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Ah, good! Yes, dreamy reading for sure. Your words ‘hypnotic and beautiful’ are bang on. If you want more, see also Gaston Bachelard’s The Poetics of Space (philosophical musings that architects refer to in hushed tones, and a lovely Penguin) and the quiet little book Six Records of a Floating Life by Shen Fu. Floating is the perfect word.

              With the world in turmoil I am firmly fixed on a steady diet of peaceful escape reading from any era but the modern one. And yes, I hear you about Sense & Sensibility. It’s kind of gloomy. I prefer Anna Karenina as a love/heartbreak/moral of the story tale. Of course Madame Bovary serves well in that respect also. Yeah, I suggest you save S&S for sunnier days!

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        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Sure! It’s the Mary Innes translation (1955, multiple reprints). Brilliant, elegant prose. She was marvelous.

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      3. The Dude Abides*

        Seconding Metamorphoses, but am reading the Stephanie McCarter translation. I just started Book Ten, and I’m starting to recollect some of the stories I used to know cold (retired quizbowl player, active as a player/writer/tournament staffer for 20 years).

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        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Brilliant! Yeah, it’s so satisfying to read various translations – each one is a window another time of its own. And wow – I would love to see a quiz night where Ovid came up! My closest one is obsessed with Beyonce and the Super Bowl….

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      4. The Dude Abides*

        Also on Metamorphoses, but the McCarter version. I think I still have a copy of Theogony, but know of several small bookstores to hit up if I don’t.

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    25. The OG Sleepless*

      I read Jack London’s memoir about building a ship and sailing across the South Pacific, “The Cruise of the Snark.” It was enjoyable but I don’t think he really edited the finished product; it ended kind of abruptly and grumpily. Still super interesting and worth a read.

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    26. Frieda*

      Just finished Presumed Guilty by Scott Turrow and it scratched a very specific itch – writing is good, it’s moody and self-reflective, there’s good character development of characters of a variety of ages which I always enjoy, and I did not guess the ending.

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    27. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished The Winner by Teddy Wayne, which I think was recommended here? And earlier this week I read Nisha Sharma’s Marriage and Masti, the third in a romcom trilogy with South Asian characters, all based on Shakespeare. This one was Twelfth Night.

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    28. Zephy*

      I just finished The Doomsday Book of Fairy Tales by Emily Brewes for prompt 4 of the PopSuger 2025 reading challenge: a book with a book or books on the cover or the word “book” in the title. Book.

      The narrative framing device is set in Future Toronto after a climate-disaster apocalypse, so maybe right now was not the time to read that, but I enjoyed the titular fairy tales. In-universe, Protagonist-chan is telling the stories to other characters to pass the time, it’s got notes of Scheherazade except with increasingly-hostile environment rather than a murderous sultan. The ending is a bit abrupt, which might have been the point given the context (1st-person limited POV, narrator is dying of Symptoms Disease in aforementioned post-apoc wasteland), but I don’t think Brewes quite pulls it off. Like, the blurb on the back of the book says that it was written for NaNoWriMo, and it kind of shows. I liked the experience overall, though. Solidly average, 3/5.

      The next prompt is “a book with snakes on the cover or ‘snake’ in the title.” I’m sixth in line to borrow a copy of Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead from my local library, so I may need to hold off on that and skip to prompt 6 (“your favorite prompt from 2015,” for which I selected “a book you started and never finished”). For that, I have Our Moon by Rebecca Gibson. I got about halfway through, set the book down, and just never picked it up again, so I’m going to read the rest of it. It IS really interesting but I’m more here for the cultural and historical bits and less interested in the actual literal planetary science parts.

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    29. Lizard*

      I finished A Man Called One by Fredrik Backman – a story about a curmudgeonly (and sad) old man who doesn’t quite fit in the modern world. When a new family moves in next door, they barge into his life and irritate him (until they don’t). I put it in a similar category as Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and The Collected Regrets of Clover – someone who doesn’t fit/is lonely in meets new people and finds their place. It felt a little repetitive in the middle, but it was a sweet story and made me cry a couple of times.

      I also read Half a Life by Jill Ciment. One of my book clubs is reading her second memoir (Consent) which is billed as a reflection on her 40+ year marriage to a man that she entered into a relationship with when she was 17 and he was 47. I went back and read Half a Life (her first memoir) to get some more context. Both are well written, but there wasn’t as much reflection as I would have liked. She’s able to recount a lot of stories, and it’s interesting to compare the two memoirs, but you don’t get a lot of information about what she thinks about the events she describes.

      And I’m now reading Shred Sisters by Betsy Lerner and The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bebe*

        If you like A Man Called Ove. I highly recommend other Backman books as well! Britt Marie was Here, My Grandmother Told Me to Tell You She’s Sorry, and Anxious People are my top 3. Beartown is good, but very difficult subject matter.

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    31. Ship’s Librarian*

      I need Bluebeard gothic recs. New bride, incredible house, husband with *secrets*. In the vein of Jane Eyre and Rebecca.

      I’m currently reading the books shown in the Black Mirror Episode “Beyond the Sea”. Finished Valley of the Dolls and the Illustrated Man, and starting The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Airport.

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      1. allathian*

        The Moon is a Harsh Mistress is quite a trip, it reads like a libertarian political treatise, but the story’s very compelling. My favorite character, without question, is Adam Selene.

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    32. Elizabeth West*

      Reading John Grisham’s The Whistler. It’s about the investigation of a corrupt judge. Pretty good so far.

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  9. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I started playing the video game Unicorn Overlords this week. I’ve been having fun so far, although I’m not convinced on the combat system. You start a battle and everything is automated so you don’t get to control the movement of the characters. Which is fine, but I like to be more involved (for example, I pretty much never go for auto battle in games that have that as an option).

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    1. Richard*

      Yes! I just finished Elden Ring. Great game but it is very challenging, and I am going to take a break before I try to tackle the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC.

      I am also playing Baldur’s Gate 3 co-op with my fiancée. One of the best turn-based RPGs I have ever played, and it does an amazing job of capturing the essence of tabletop Dungeons and Dragons.

      And I’m also playing Hearts of Iron IV for my love of Grand Strategy games.

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    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve gotten back into Genshin Impact, after a 2.5 year hiatus. I hadn’t gotten very far when I first started, but I decided to give it another shot after watching my husband play another Hoyoverse game, Zenless Zone Zero. I just got two good 5* (highest rarity) characters- Keqing and Arlecchino, and I’m working my way through the story. I reached Inazuma not too long ago, and I am already itching to leave the land of lightning.

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    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’ve been playing Shapez this week, it’s the first time I’ve found a “factory/belt” game that I can get so far on! I appreciate that there’s no penalty for accidentally putting the wrong thing into an assembly line, instead of jamming up like most games like that, it’ll happily build whatever you put into it, even if you add the wrong pieces or dye.

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    5. IndyDem*

      I’ve been enjoying playing Civ V this week, didn’t like Civ VI. Also playing Neverwinter, MMORPG, pretty much daily.

      Reply ↓
    6. Forensic13*

      I’ve been playing a new modpack of Minecraft with friends. Per usual, I am just spending hours digging and ignoring all the actual mod stuff.

      Boardgame-wise, we finally caved and bought Everdell (it is EXPENSIVE) because it looked really cute and I love worker-placement games. It was fun!

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    7. The Dude Abides*

      Finally got a shipment of cards from Italy (worth the wait, given that I saved 30-40% due to card prices rising and how much more US vendors were charging).

      Also found time to pick up 3-4 orders from my LGS (they have an online storefront where I can order cards and pick them up)…and it’ll be my last time. The past 3 orders have been screwed up – wrong printing, wrong set, etc. I still prefer supporting local stores, but due to life I collect more than I play, and I’m very particular about what I collect.

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  10. chocolate muffins*

    A little while ago I asked about how to manage difficult situations that are unlikely to change and you all had helpful thoughts and insights – thank you! I have a kind of follow-up question now, or maybe a pre-question: How have you made decisions about whether or not something is changeable? How have you thought about when to try to change a situation versus when to live with it, or to try to remove yourself? If you tried to change something and then gave up, what indicated to you that the thing you thought was changeable actually wasn’t? If you didn’t try to change a situation but in retrospect wish you had decided differently, what indicated to you that maybe it was worth trying to change after all?

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    1. Not A Manager*

      I wanted my marital relationship to improve. We did a lot of t h e r a p y and I think I was willing to undertake my share of listening and changing, but in my perspective my husband was unable to hear me (or unable to hold what he’d heard) and we were just endlessly spinning our wheels. It took me a long, long time to realize that he/his behavior were never going to change. Then I tried really hard to make that okay; to be able to be happy with him exactly as he was, with our same interactions that would never change. Finally I realized that I could never be happy in that situation. Then I asked myself if I could realistically expect to be less unhappy if I left him.

      All of that took a lot of time, which I don’t really regret, because when I finally did leave him I knew I had no other choice. Spoiler: I am in fact a lot happier.

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      1. chocolate muffins*

        Thank you for sharing all that. Would it be comfortable to say a bit more about how long this process took and what made you realize in the end that it was time to go? Like, did something happen that helped you decide to leave when you did and not two years earlier or six months later? Totally fine if you’d rather not get into all that, of course! I’m glad you are happier now.

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        1. Not A Manager*

          It was a very long process, and there wasn’t one Big Moment. There were a lot of small events, and a few big ones, that each individually chipped at my trust in him and in the relationship, until eventually I realized that there was nothing left to support my love. I did try to make it work as “best friends/housemates” because he’s a lot of fun in a lot of ways and I’m not getting any younger or more attractive, but finally I realized I was so checked out that I might as well spend the rest of my life alone than just keep being so lonely in the marriage.

          And if that had happened, I still think it would have been the right call. Negotiating a shared life and a shared home with someone you don’t feel a connection to is exhausting. Now I live the way I want to and I answer only to myself. I really like that. But in fact, I’ve developed a robust social life and a good dating life. I don’t have any one partner and I might not ever have that again, but at least I’m not bored.

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    2. Aphrodite*

      You have brought up remarkably interesting questions. I think I will try to provide my experience with each one:

      How have you made decisions about whether or not something is changeable? It depends on the situation but I have come to realize that I am the changeable factor in a lot of them. If someone cuts me off on the road I immediately ask myself if that action is going to matter, if I am even going to remember it, an hour from now, a week from now, a month from now, even a year from now. The answer is almost always no and therefore it doesn’t matter now. The anger disappears almost instantly. If I grow annoyed with my brother who has all the flexiility of a cement sidewalk and has had all his life–he refuses to deal with life unless he can completely control it–I realized it for decades before I decided to let my strong feelings about it go so completely that nothing he says or does affects me in the slightest. Nor does my sister, who excuses his behaviors with “that’s the way Kirby is” bother me any more. I detached so completely I scarcely notice any more. And it helps that I stopped trying to keep communication open. We scarcely talk. I’m much happier. Same thing at work; my supervisor decides to be a jerk about something. I just shrug and say “yes.” My ego is fed these days by my much more mellow and peaceful life.

      How have you thought about when to try to change a situation versus when to live with it, or to try to remove yourself? Most often I find it easier to remove myself unless there is a damn good reason to change it. There rarely is as I have discovered over the years what makes me happy: the knowledge that someone else has the right to think the way they do and that I absolutely do not have the right to change them.

      If you tried to change something and then gave up, what indicated to you that the thing you thought was changeable actually wasn’t?I think it was developing smarts on my part by learning to study the situation and then making a thoughtful choice about what would work best for me while also giving the situation or person room to make theirs. Seeing that the only way to change was to change something I either had no right or no power to do makes a choice pretty clear.

      If you didn’t try to change a situation but in retrospect wish you had decided differently, what indicated to you that maybe it was worth trying to change after all?I can’t remember a time, though I am sure there are plenty of them. Older can definitely make wiser if one wants to keep learning . Or in some cases, the opportunity to do so had permanently passed so I forgave myself and moved on.

      Reply ↓
      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you for this in particular: ” If someone cuts me off on the road I immediately ask myself if that action is going to matter, if I am even going to remember it, an hour from now, a week from now, a month from now, even a year from now. The answer is almost always no and therefore it doesn’t matter now. The anger disappears almost instantly.”
        I’m going through a rough patch; unfortunately, several factors have converged to trigger an intense anxiety that I haven’t felt in years. I know it’s in no way related to what OP asked, but reading your words helped me remember that this too shall pass and I will get better.

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        1. Aphrodite*

          TT, I am very happy to read this. Glad it helped you, and I wish you the best going forward as you move forward.

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    3. Six Feldspar*

      I picked this up from one of Captain Awkward’s posts: it’s worth asking how you’d feel if the situation was the same after a certain amount of time (a week, a month, a year, ten years, whatever applies).

      It’s also worth researching your options and the costs/benefits so at least you’re making a decision with the best info you have at the time. For me it helps to at least curb the “what if” cycle and keeps me focused on choices that are actually feasible and not getting caught up in millions of possibilities

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      1. Sloanicota*

        So true, so many times perhaps the situation is endurable for now but if you know you want things to be different in a year, you’re going to have to make the big scary change sooner or later anyway, so you might as well start sooner. I used to be a bit too passive in life but sometimes you have to put your ore in a bit, not just wait around for opportunities to present themselves.

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        2. Six Feldspar*

          You definitely have to do work yourself! (Which can also be helpful to clarify your thoughts – if I’m flinching away from the next logical step of something, I need to work out why I don’t want to do that step and if I really want to keep going in that direction.)

          I think it’s also similar to the general advice to look for your next job while you’re still happy or at least satisfied with your current job, because if you leave it until you hate your current job you’ll be much more stressed and miserable and more likely to end up in another subpar job. It’s important to give yourself the opportunity to negotiate from a position of power.

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    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      One key thing for me in making this kind of decision is to look at what other people’s behaviour is contributing to the situation and to assess, based on my knowledge of them:
      1. Whether that person is likely to change their behaviour in a way that makes it more tolerable.
      and
      2. How realistic is it that they will be able to permanently sustain that positive behaviour change? If they make a bit of an effort for a week and then give up, you have your answer.

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    5. Sloanicota*

      To me the basis of this question is, how much of this situation is within my control / influence, and how much depends on something I really can’t do much to affect. And is there an option to extract myself entirely, or not really?

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    6. Evvy*

      I think it can sometimes be about how much you feel like you deserve. A lot of the bad situations I put up with in the past, I justified by thinking “this is something that’s impossible to change” or “this is just the way the world/people/society is going to be” when in fact that was rarely true; even with the big immovable stuff, changing how I was responding to it was almost always possible. I can now recognize that underneath that “this is just the way things are” thought is the deeper thought of, “this is all I deserve/well, this is just about right for a person like me”. So for me it’s been a process of relearning to Be Allowed To Want Better Things without feeling ashamed of it :) sometimes it still is too hard to tackle an obstacle and that’s ok, I’m still learning! But pondering this was something that helped me. Trying to concretely visualize what WOULD be my ideal situation (even if that is painful, from my current-not-ideal situation, to hope for) has changed my thinking a lot on when to stay and when to go.

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    7. Falling Diphthong*

      What indicated to you that the thing you thought was changeable actually wasn’t?
      I bent over backwards, ground myself down into a little smear trying to placate the other person and be generous and help them get out of a jam and onto a more stable footing, and they immediately took this as the new normal on which they could pile even greater requests for help.

      As so often, in hindsight I wish I had drawn that hard line earlier. But having that “Okay, I said I was done, but if I help one more time, surely they have learnt a lesson from the last screw-up… Nope, no lesson learned” did spell out the results I was going to get in yard-high letters of flame.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        I also liked Captain Awkward’s comment (paraphrased) that there’s actually no award for being the Most Accommodating Person Ever, and that most good people would be horrified to realize you’ve been casting them as this unreasonable person with bad intentions just because you’re afraid to speak up.

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      2. Not That Jane*

        Ooof, this sounds a lot like a situation I’ve been pondering for a while. I helped a difficult person in my life with a very big life transition, and … for various reasons it didn’t go well. Now I’m trying to give myself permission to back away from that relationship entirely. I feel somehow obligated to stay in their life – because they don’t have a lot of supportive people – yet the evidence suggests they haven’t changed and won’t change.

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      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        I think my hard lesson to learn in this area has been that I can’t care about somebody’s life/relationship/job/financial situation/etc more than they do.
        Also, that some things just aren’t mine to fix, thus my manta for 2025 is “not my circus, not my monkeys.”
        One thing I learned last year was that if someone was going to be doing unacceptable things in a group that I organize, I could kick them out. They were the ones that brought it on themselves, not me. I was only the deliverer of well deserved consequences, but the consequences were not on me, they were on them because of their behavior.

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    8. Anon for This*

      I’m dealing with this now in my marriage. My spouse has been trying to start a business for several years, but they’ve treated it like an intermittent hobby rather than a business with a plan. Paying the property taxes on the business property has run through a huge amount of savings.

      Spouse has admitted that the situation isn’t sustainable. But they’re not willing to act on the obvious solution — give up on the business, and either sell the business property or rent it to someone who’ll pay us enough rental income to cover the property tax. Instead they say “well, maybe I can get one of the kids into it” when our kids are schoolchildren and show no aptitude or interest in any case. Taking part in the business myself is not an option; my day job provides our living expenses and health insurance, and I have zero interest in running a business myself.

      So where does that leave me?

      I can’t change my spouse, but I can make it really uncomfortable for them to do nothing, or make it easier for them to take a small step. I can give them the phone number for a commercial real estate agent. I can ask them if they’ve been to the property this month. I can point out that it’s the end of January, and the business has not earned us the $X that we need for the taxes, and keep doing that every month.

      But ultimately, if my spouse keeps refusing to do anything, I may have to face the question of whether it’s better to divorce my spouse (which would put them into dire poverty and wouldn’t improve my financial situation in the short term) or to live with the situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        When it starts costing real money is when you have to speak up. Husband dreams of quitting his job (we work at the same place) and becoming a cartoonist. It’s not a question of talent–he has it in spades and shovels. But he has never, not once, finished a project. He has some kind of mental block against doing so.

        He’s also self diagnosed himself with various things, and while that was the happiest day of his life, he hasn’t actually done anything concrete about them. So he has a built in excuse for not finishing anything, but that still means–he never finishes anything.
        All this to say: I am absolutely not down at ALL with his dream of quitting and living an artistic existence. We don’t have the money to retire and be old and sick and support this fantasy existence. In the short term, we are doing quite well, but long term is what you have to live with in your old age.

        This Business That Isn’t is costing you real money. Those taxes you’re paying on an empty building is money that won’t be going into IRAs or future travel or anything else you want to do. It sounds cold to say divorce is an option, but if it’s between running out of money when you are old by staying with him or not doing so, well…that is something both of you have to think about.

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    9. AnonToday*

      For me, in moments of conflict with my current partner it was really useful to reflect on why I was attached to my specific position and also whether I was wrongly extrapolating from past life experiences about the outcome of the conflict.

      So if I had just become accustomed to some idea or practice and was annoyed that he didn’t value it, was it actually something I cared about or no? If yes, then that’s worth talking about; if not, let it go.

      For instance, he believes he’d like a totally minimalist house and can get a little wistful about my many possessions. Do I really care about x, y, or z object? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I can adopt better practices around “stuff” so he’s not living in a clutter nightmare but also I am not living his ideal monastic life. And we can talk about how I cherish plants and pretty china and how he’d like some negative space in the home becuase it’s more restful.

      But is he really castigating me as a human being because I’m messy? Nope, that’s my mom speaking in my head! So some of my defensiveness is not about him at all.

      OTOH, my ex expected me to clean up after him and was angry and aggressive at times about whether I was doing the laundry to his liking, and he destroyed/threatened to destroy some of my stuff, and tried to spoil my happiness and pleasure in things that were not affecting his life at all. (Like accusing me of killing plants any time I wanted to work in the garden or get a houseplant – but I have a great garden and gorgeous plants now, so WTH?)

      Prioritize your peace and dignity, but also remember let some stuff go if it’s not actually mission-critical.

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    10. HannahS*

      For me it usually comes down to series of questions:
      1. Have I tried to change the situation yet–like REALLY tried? Have I spoken to the relevant people? Have I tried to change any part of my own behaviour to see if that helps? If the answer is yes and the situation didn’t change, or if I tried and it was so hard that I couldn’t continue to try, then the situation is not changeable by me at this time.

      2. What would it feel like to live with this situation? What IS within my control? Could I change my expectations of this situation; could I change other aspects of my life to make this more tolerable?

      3. What would it feel like to leave this situation? What could replace it?

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    11. Part time lab tech*

      My family is loving, intelligent and my goodness, do we ever use avoidance of discomfort to an unhealthy level. This skews the dynamics and values. My mother had less of this and it took until my 20’s to realise that my father would have been really quite difficult to live with, and some of her prodding behaviour that we hated was because if she didn’t, quite a lot of things simply wouldn’t get done. She had a large part of the organisational load. Also, she wanted to connect with us.
      Leading from this, my older sister is unlikely to change. Symptomatically I think she has inattentive ADHD, diagnosed minor learning disorders, combined with lower than average stamina and childhood trauma, exacerbating her avoidance. When my father dies, she is likely to avoid leaving their home, despite the fact she temperamentally unsuitable to living on a farm by herself. In order not to upset my sister and as the path of least resistance, my younger sister might let her. Which means I might have to pull the money grabbing card in order to get her out after a year. She will be happier and likely be able to afford a 2 bedroom unit with a large shed and a garden but she is quite possible she will not commit to buying anything and effectively squander her inheritance. I can not change this about her.

      Reply ↓
      1. Part time lab tech*

        I am also unable to change about myself that I like to consider a lot of hypotheticals (my father is well and likely to live another decade for instance), and then decide to do very little about it, and try to persuade my sisters’ I’m right anyway.

        Reply ↓
  11. Netherlands with small children*

    I’ll be traveling to the Hague for a week at the end of February with one elementary aged kid and one Pre-K aged kid. Spouse has a conference and the rest of us are tagging along.

    I spent a year in the Eindhoven as a child, and so I’m excited to share the joys of frites, fresh stroopwafels, cheese and public transit with my own kids. I’m interested in kid-friendly restaurant, snack bar, and outing recommendations. We won’t have a car, and will be staying in the city centre, so while we might do one or two day trips, I think we’ll be sticking pretty close to the Hague.

    Also the youngest is obsessed with bell/clock towers. are there any particularly striking ones we should check out?

    Reply ↓
    1. Tiny Clay Insects*

      Delft is quite close to the Hague, and its old town center is utterly charming–including the Oude Kerk (old church) with its incredibly distinctive bell tower! (Fun fact: both Vermeer and Antoni van Leeuwenhoek, the discoverer of microbes, were born in the same year in the small town center of Delft, and it is likely they knew each other! There’s a fantastic book about them both called Eye of the Beholder)

      Reply ↓
      1. Bobina*

        Came to say the same thing. You can easily catch the tram from The Hague to Delft (or at least you could a few years ago) and there are plenty of trains and busses too. If you’re feeling fit you could also cycle it (get an electric one with box for the kids)

        Reply ↓
    3. Not A Manager*

      Apparently tulip season starts in mid-March. Even though you’re early, if there are any displays at all it’s worth going to one of the large tulip farms. I was there a few years ago at the end of the season, and it was still spectacular.

      Reply ↓
    4. CityMouse*

      I’m an american with Dutch family (but I don’t speak Dutch), so I’ve been in Den Haag with a preschooler. My family’s closet to Amsterdam but it’s really just maybe 45 minutes on the train away, depends on schedule.

      My kid had a fun time at the Hortus Botanicus in Leiden, which is just a train stop up from The Hague. Mauritshuis (small museum in Den Haag known for having The Girl with the Pearl Earring) has this animal themed scavenger hunt the kids can do with the paintings and then the kids can get stickers as their prize. My kid was really into it. I’ve always wanted to go to the Escher museum but never made it for various reasons.

      The Madurodam is sort of old school with the miniatures but I think your preschooler might like it. I also just took my kid to run around the various parks.

      Reply ↓
    5. Silent E*

      Definitely make time to go to Madurodam! It’s very kid-friendly and should be pretty quiet in February. Do dress for the weather – most of it is outside.
      Kunstmuseum Den Haag (Art Museum of the Hague) is hosting an exhibit about the history of desserts until early April, which your kids might find interesting. It’s supposed to even include some scents! This may also give you all an appetite to go try some sweet treats after you’ve seen the exhibit. The museum’s website has an English option at the top, and you can pre-purchase tickets there if you want.
      Bell/clock towers: you may want to consider the Domtoren in Utrecht. Utrecht is a really walkable city, easily reachable by train from Den Haag/The Hague, and you can spend a lovely day or half day there. They still ring the bells in the Domtoren, it’s beautiful and has an interesting history (including a tornado!), and there’s even a kid’s tour available, but do check their website for times and days. You may also wish to consider a canal tour there, but again, dress well for the weather since it’ll be February. But that’s a great way to see the city and you don’t need watch out for your little ones and traffic (bikes!) while trying to look around.

      Reply ↓
      1. Fellow Traveller*

        In Utrecht there is a wonderful museum of musical machines- the Speelklock Museum, highly recommend if you are that way and interested in musical clocks, pip organs, toys and things of that nature.

        Reply ↓
  12. Six Feldspar*

    Sandwich recommendations please?

    I’m trying to spend less time cooking lunch when I work from home so I’m enjoying sandwiches especially when I can prep all the fillings in advance, but I’m running out of ideas!

    Reply ↓
      2. Writerling*

        Oh I would add some sliced ham (or other deli meat) and a leaf of lettuce and/or tomato to Frenchify that up if that’s your taste

        Reply ↓
    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      For make-ahead fillings, I think tuna salad and egg salad make excellent sandwiches. Similar-but-different, last week I fixed a white bean-salmon salad which made very nice sandwiches.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wildlife thread—what critter encounters have you had?

        On one of my winter birding haunts, I spotted a great horned owl sitting on eggs in her nest. She was relaxed with her eyes closed and her horn feathers drooping sideways. Then I located the male, perched on guard some distance away in the open, no doubt to draw attention from his camouflaged mate at ther nest. I wish I could follow their young’s journey, but it’s far enough away that getting there requires an overnight stay.

        Reply ↓
        1. Past Lurker*

          WoodswomanWrites, your comment got added within a different thread.
          I just saw a squirrel climbing up to the balcony of a third floor apartment and then posing there like it was so proud!

          Reply ↓
        2. goddessoftransitory*

          If there’s a owl study nearby, be sure to alert them to the nesting pair: they may be able to install a camera to stream the babies!

          Reply ↓
          1. WoodswomanWrites*

            Ha, thanks for the laugh! The reason I was in this thread is that I’m looking for sandwich suggestions myself.

            Reply ↓
    4. Le le lemon*

      I like the reddit / sandwiches forum for this. People post photos; scroll, pic, imitate. Helps keep it fresh! Also, all the items you’d put on a pizza.
      Sometimes I browse online-order options and copy.
      – Peri mayo + cheese toastie is my current go-to.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I miss the old Jezebel cooking substack; it had this great column called Will It Casserole? where tons of different foods/meals were converted to delicious casserole form.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          A friend of mine did a series of Will It Waffle? during early COVID for entertainment and to use up leftovers they were getting sick of because they lived alone. The answer to most things is yes, sometimes with an egg and/or flour added to bind things together. They reported that Thanksgiving dressing makes a great savory waffle, which sounds right to me.

          Reply ↓
    5. Always Science-ing*

      Leftover ham or roast pork or roast chicken with apple (or apple butter), Dijon, Cheddar and a nice spicy pepper jelly.

      Make a Thai-inspired peanut sauce (peanut plus chili garlic sauce, lime juice, fish sauce or soy sauce etc) and use in a veggie sandwich – cucumber, bell peppers, shredded carrot, cilantro. Can add chicken or cold, smoked tofu for more protein.

      Brie with something fruity – apple, pear, fig jam, etc. plus chicken or ham or turkey for more protein.

      Hummus and veggies.

      Reply ↓
    6. WellRed*

      Not very original but I love a good deli turkey and cheese sandwich with some crunchy lettuce and onions and mustard. Other veggies as applicable, tomatoes, cucumbers, sprouts. Great on pitas, ciabatta and any other bread.

      Reply ↓
    7. Not A Manager*

      Try mixing up the wrappings. Roll up your fixings in a tortilla; stuff them into a pita; make an English muffin sandwich. Try using toaster waffles instead of bread and use sweet fillings like PB&J or cream cheese and jam.

      Condiments like cornichons, capers, chopped kalamata olives, roasted red peppers, semi-dried tomatoes, artichoke hearts, etc. can liven up boring fillings.

      Mix up spicy spreads and sweet ones. I have a nice ham sandwich recipe that calls for baguette, ham, gruyere, and arugula but the thing that makes it great is that you use both smooth Dijon mustard and fig spread. I’ve extended that to basically any spicy mustard paired with any interesting jam or chutney.

      Reply ↓
    8. LBD*

      I like standard fillings like egg salad, cheese or cold meat, with lots of veggie add ons. I like raw grated carrots (also in wraps!), tomatos, pickles, sprouts, coleslaw, basil leaves used like lettuce leaves and fresh chives. (Probably not all at once unless it is in a wrap!) Or sometimes I just go with the veggies and add some hemp seed for protein and crunch. I like to keep a basil plant or chive plant on my window sill, or outside close to my door in the summer. I am also experimenting with growing my own sprouts.

      Reply ↓
    9. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      sourdough slices, red pesto, plain or lemon-pepper tuna, color pepper strips or rings, red onion or shallot, sliced black olives, provolone, then broil or bake them open-faced.

      Reply ↓
    10. The Body Is Round*

      Mix a tub of whipped cream cheese with a tin of (drained) sardines, and 1-2 tablespoons each of minced onion, chopped pickles (sweet or sour) and fresh dill. It makes the ugliest but tastiest little church picnic looking sandwiches.

      Reply ↓
    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Toast with miso butter, some chopped cucumber (or tomato or onion or whatever small veg you have on hand), and sesame seeds.

      When I first found this recipe the cook (Pru Leith?) mixed white miso and soft butter in roughly equal amounts; I now just make a piece of toast, spread on a bit of butter, then spread on miso. Specifically I like South River Miso, which Whole Foods carries in the cold fermented foods section.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        That’s an interesting one! I’ve got a jar of miso but I’ve never thought of putting it on a sandwich before, I will definitely try this

        Reply ↓
    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m rather fond of hummus & spinach wrap for a fast snack, sometimes with tomatoes. So I was very interested when I saw a video featuring a chickpea-based faux tuna salad. My web search turned up many recipes, so I haven’t picked one to try yet.

      Also look up turkish lentil balls –usually treated as a make-ahead finger food, but I like to eat the paste warm over rice.

      Reply ↓
    13. epicdemiologist*

      This is going to sound like a joke or an insult, but I promise you I’m serious: The kid’s picture book “Bread and Jam for Frances” by Russell and Lillian Hoban is positively inspirational.

      Reply ↓
    14. Fellow Traveller*

      I really like the curry chickpea salad from Nora Cooks.
      I also sometimes will take whatever leftovers I have in the fridge and put that in a wrap and eat it for lunch.

      Reply ↓
    15. Meh*

      Sandwiches of History is a great account on IG. There are interesting Sandwiches from around the world both old and new.

      Reply ↓
    18. Aphrodite*

      I love sandwiches and often eat them for dinner during hot weather so these suggestions are great.

      I am fond of either chicken salad (from a supermarket roast turkey) or canned tuna or salmon. Using one of those proteins, I add a bunch of finely chopped crunchy items: scallions, celery, carrots, yellow onions, olives (preferably Moroccan), a fruit (green grapes, cherries, apples, mango), bits of broccoli, and other vegetables that look good. Then I add in a spicy or flavored mustard, some mayonnaise, a bit of Caesar salad dressing, yogurt, fresh black pepper, maybe some pomegranate molassas, hot sauce and whatever else might work. Mix it all up and let it set for at least a couple of hours. Yum! It stretches the protein out, adds lots of fun and tasty crunch, and never tastes exactly the same because I experiment with all the sauces in my pantry and refrigerator. But it’s always good.

      Reply ↓
    19. goddessoftransitory*

      Chutney Curry Chicken Salad sandwiches!

      Recipe in link, but you can find lots of variations. My personal one calls for brioche or Hawaiian bread, non toasted, and lettuce lining with the extra curry/mayo as spread.

      Reply ↓
    20. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Condiments! Spreads, drizzles, pickles. You can have the same cheese, meat, veg, but change up the condiments for totally different flavor combos. Bonus, they usually store a long time, so you can have more options when lunch time rolls around.

      Second suggestion, try a totally different culture for ideas. I was browsing an Indian blogger’s page recently and they apparently put slices of cooked potato, beet, corn, mixed sauteed veggies, etc. between 2 slices of bread in India. With chutneys and spicy peppers of course. Kinda blew my mind I’d never considered that.

      Reply ↓
    21. Nightengale*

      I’ve gotten some inspiration from old cookbooks. They often have lists of sandwich fillings made from cream cheese, a little milk or cream and various combinations of.. .

      blue cheese
      chopped dried fruit
      chopped nuts
      sunflower seeds

      Reply ↓
    22. Bike Walk Barb*

      Make some pickled red onions and keep them in the fridge. Super, super easy and delicious and they bring some zing to a variety of other things. I was making them with spices more on the Mexican seasoning side, then switched to the recipe on The Mediterranean Dish that includes sumac and fresh mint.

      One of my favorite combos that I change up in various ways: Toasted bread (whatever; I bake sourdough whole wheat but it could be whatever you like), hummus (homemade or storebought; I make a batch and freeze it in a muffin tin so I can defrost just a small dish and not end up with a big moldy throwaway), good cheese melted on one of the pieces of toast (Cougar Gold made by the Washington State University creamery is genuinely the best aged white cheddar on the planet; my most recent sandwich involved a truffle gouda picked up on a trip that was super tasty; you do you on cheese, can easily make this a vegan sandwich), tomatoes if in season (I grow my own and have become picky about tomatoes), spinach and/or arugula and/or romaine for crunch (and also a very good sort of wrapper for the pickled red onions because they’re a bit drippy out of the jar), red or green bell pepper if I have it on hand, chimichurri if I’ve made some lately. All the flavors and I love the colors.

      Another good combo that can also involve the pickled red onions: Smoked salmon, cream cheese or goat cheese, capers, pickled red onions, maybe some kind of greens if you have them. Can also get a smoked salmon cream cheese spread and use that.

      Chutney and cheese is always good. I canned a bunch of different chutney varieties last summer/fall: zucchini, green tomato, Indian apple, blackberry, ripe tomato. I made several kinds of tomato jam from Food in Jars recipes and that’s also fantastic with cheese.

      You might also think of using crackers and making mini sandwiches for the crunch and the fun of little bites. I’m now envisioning the pictures they put on boxes of Triscuits to make it look as if you fussed over hors d’oeuvres when you really just put cheese and something on a cracker.

      Reply ↓
  13. Bringing a snack*

    Bring-a-snack question: I’m going to a casual event tomorrow (Saturday) night and we’ve been asked to bring something either sweet or savory for nibbles. My only option is to use what I already have on hand, and I’ll have 30-45 minutes to prep something. Which of these do you think would be best, or are they equally okay:
    -mini-tangerine wedges
    -apple wedges
    -chocolate bar squares (from bars of good 55% chocolate that would be easy to break into individual squares)
    -a home-made gorp mix of raisins, pecans, chocolate chips, and I could add dried cranberries if that isn’t overkill with the raisins.

    Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        I vote for the gorp. The tangerine wedges and chocolate squares sound like you’d be manhandling them a lot and the portions would look skimpy.

        Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Agree with this: everything but the apples. You can squirt lemon juice on them to slow the browning, but not everyone likes surprise lemon.

        Reply ↓
    4. Catherine*

      The gorp sounds great but in your shoes I’d cut the raisins and go with just cranberries. I often find raisins too cloyingly sweet especially paired with chocolate.

      Reply ↓
    6. Cordelia*

      Apple wedges will go brown, and tangerine wedges will be tiny (and I wouldn’t like the idea that you had pulled them apart by hand so I wouldn’t eat them). Can’t you just bring a bowl of apples and tangerines?

      Reply ↓
      2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Whole tangerines would be fine, maybe halved if they’re large. Wedges will be tiny and look skimpy. A large chocolate bar broken into pieces will be off-putting for many as well since it looks handled. If you have lemon juice you can brush the apple wedges to slow browning.

        Reply ↓
    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I always like something fruity as nibbles so the mini-tangerine wedges or apple wedges sound great to me.

      With the mini-tangerine wedges you need quite a number of them to have an amount that looks decently sized, though – which would then take quite a while to prep to get rid of most of the white stringy bits. I don’t know if you have the time and patience for it.

      If you go with apple wedges, a quick dunk in some orange juice or some lemon/lime spritzes should be enough to keep them from turning brown.

      The home-made gorp would probably be quickest, makes less mess, and is easy to transport, though. So it might be the best option simply for those factors.

      Reply ↓
    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Do you have enough chocolate to coat the apple slices? :) Chocolate and patience I should say.

      Reply ↓
    9. Boggle*

      Just make sure, if you go with gorp, to have a serving spoon and some dishes/plates so people aren’t just grabbing handfuls directly from the bowl.

      Reply ↓
    10. Retired bureaucrat*

      I recently brought cut-up Cosmic Crisp apples to a couple potluck meals. The first time I used a commercial citric acid product and they stayed nice & white. The second time, I didn’t bother—and the sliced apples stayed nice & white. I’m not a fan of many recent types of apples but the Cosmic Crisps were really tasty & crisp. Add some sliced Brie or cheddar and it’s practically a meal.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Cosmic Crisps really are the best apples. They were developed by people at my alma mater, Washington State University. WSU also makes the incredible aged white cheddar Cougar Gold, which I’m always recommending. The two together? Divine. Apple slices with cheddar have been one of my favorite snacks since I was a kid, going back to when my mom used to make little cheddar cubes and stick pretzels into them for serving.

        Reply ↓
    11. Anon Poster*

      I brought apple wedges to a gathering recently, I soaked them in a bowl of saltwater for 5 to 10 minutes (one site I looked at said a tsp of salt per cup of water, another said a tsp of salt per apple and fill your bowl of choice with water), then rinsed. The apples did not turn brown, and still looked pretty good when I brought the rest to work in my lunch the next day.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jules the First*

        I do the salt water apple soak a lot because I have a three year old who will reliably eat apple slices but only if they aren’t brown. I use 1tsp per cup/250mL dissolved in cold water, soak apple slices for 10min, swishing at intervals, rinse and then they stay fresh and crisp in the fridge for a few days or at room temp for up to a day.

        Reply ↓
    12. Bluebell Brenham*

      Could you put a bowl of the tangerines on a platter and surround it with a ring of chocolate pieces? That could work, but otherwise gorp seems fine. One advantage of not peeling the tangerines is it’s easy to take them home. Plus some people like clementines or tangerines to peel because it slows down their snacking (yes, I’m one of those people!).

      Reply ↓
    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      Definitely gorp. Skip the raisins, use the cranberries.

      One more thought on this: If it isn’t already mixed, you’d be doing allergic folks a favor if you have a bowl of each of the ingredients for mix-your-own (bonus points for the fun factor although someone might snag all the chocolate), or make one nut-free and one with nuts and label them.

      You could go gourmet and cut some of those bars of good chocolate into chunks for the gorp.

      Reply ↓
  14. Harlowe*

    Procrastination thread! What are you Just Doing this weekend?

    I am determined to get my office closet redesigned and get the structure mounted. Tired of the guts being strewn around the entire upstairs because I can’t figure out how to have both storage shelves and crawlspace access.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I bought non-skinny jeans for the first time in a decade but they’re a little too long and I don’t want to relive my high school days of rain creeping slowly up to my knees, so maybe I will finally get around to hemming so I can wear them!

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        Oh, the joys of those ancient days… Definitely worth hemming them, that’s one trend we don’t need to come back!

        Reply ↓
    2. Tiny Clay Insects*

      Oh God, I have procrastinated on my class prep so badly. The semester starts Monday. I have done nothing. I’ve taught these classes before, but still. Nothing.

      Reply ↓
    3. WellRed*

      I need to finish moving back into my renovated bedroom. I’ve been mindful of using the opportunity to get rid of so much stuff but now I’m down to the flotsam and jetsam and I just need to sort it and rehang the art.

      Reply ↓
    4. Geriatric Rocker*

      Tidied away my craft stuff into the sewing room. ok, I shoved it into the spare room and shut the door before it could escape.

      And I’ve done the vacuuming. Anybody would think I had visitors coming for dinner…

      Reply ↓
      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        “shoved it into the spare room and shut the door before it could escape.”
        I love your description!

        Reply ↓
        1. Geriatric Rocker*

          I also have a couple of cupboards in the kitchen where the same strategy applies. It’s either that or be buried in Tupperware.

          Reply ↓
      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        “…FEMA’s going to send a team in.”
        I love your description as much as the one by WellRed (see my comment above). Also, sympathies! Been there, done that with cleaning a horrible bathroom. The fixtures were almost ready to get up and walk away. I wish you fortitude and strength.

        Reply ↓
    6. Le le lemon*

      I’ve actually been doing really well on the chores (!!!), and getting things off the to-do list. So my mission is to do the FUN things. I have been procrastinating that, because I was too focused on the to-do.
      Oh, and I’ve been procrastinating BIG TIME on studying for some upcoming tests. Need to get cracking…
      I do love thinking about this thread throughout the week – and I find it helps, as I’m doing Task I Dread, to think of so many other people around the world also tackling their hard tasks. Solidarity!

      Reply ↓
    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I’m going to sew a new cover bag for my microwave heating pad. The filling has made holes in the old cover bag and stuff keeps coming out. I’ve already found the right fabric in my fabric stash, measured and marked where I’ll have to cut. It should be really really simple and I am going to Just Do It, finally!

      Oh, and declutter my sock drawer! Because realistically I’m simply never going to darn any of my holey socks, ever.

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I am an expert knitter, and I darn holey socks by going “oh darn” as I throw them away. No shame.

        Reply ↓
        1. Two cents*

          Ha! I like that very much.

          Someone here, ages ago, mentioned keeping things like hopelessly done socks and using them as throw-away-rags. Genius! If I’m getting rid of them anyway, I can save them a little longer and wait for the cat to puke on something or scrub a drain ring real quick and THEN chuck it!

          Reply ↓
        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Yep. I suppose it would be different with fancy socks, but by the time mine have holes they’re worn out generally and darning isn’t going to restore their glow of dewy youth.

          Reply ↓
          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I don’t even darn my hand-knitted socks, let alone store-bought ones. Nuh huh. I can just make more. :-P

            Reply ↓
    8. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Love this idea!

      Booking travel – love travelling, hate the many decisions that need to be made – I have done the biggest ticket (London > NZ & back again) but have a Irish trip to sort out as well.

      Reply ↓
    9. Evvy*

      I have to finish a scarf I’ve been crocheting for a friend—it’s almost done but I’ve been procrastinating on my least favorite part (trimming and finishing) and her birthday is next week :’)

      Reply ↓
      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Solidarity on finishing a procrastinated crochet project! I’m making a lovey for my SIL’s baby shower next weekend, but I don’t even have the blanket part done and need to make all the stuffed animal bits too. So my goal is to definitely finish the blanket this weekend and hopefully knock out one or two of the other bits, too.

        Reply ↓
    10. Bobina*

      I have cleaned the filter on the vacuum and charged it, so this weekend I plan to finally vacuum which I’ve been putting off for quite a while now.

      If I’m extra good, I will also make the cheese puff snack things I’ve been meaning to make for months now in an aim to finally empty the freezer of the puff pastry I bought for this purpose.

      Reply ↓
    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have a plumber coming to quote a shower repair, and then I’m taking a car full of clothes to a shelter drop-off. There will be some warmer plus-sized guys in my county by the end of the month: I found another tub of my late husband’s clothes and it’s winter gear.

      Reply ↓
    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have two returns to box up and take to the UPS store, and I also need to soak and hang-to-dry some handspun yarn that I finished plying and skeining last weekend.

      Reply ↓
    13. Hoary Vervain*

      Going to church! The putting on pants and getting the small child out of the house (plus social anxiety) make me likely to avoid it, but my kid loves it and it’s a lovely break to center myself, remember what’s important and what I’m capable of, and surround myself with a community of like-minded people focusing on social justice – which feels particularly pressing right now. I’m not going to make it through the next four years by doomscrolling alone and I’m not going to be able to contribute anything positive that way, either. So taking this small step to get out and start finding ways I can connect and hopefully help.

      Reply ↓
    14. ecnaseener*

      Lotta cleaning for me. I haven’t had guests in several months, so everything’s at an “eh, clean enough that it doesn’t bother me much” level, but my sister’s staying over tonight so it’s time to get it to “presentable” level. Just taking a break after tackling (most of) the bathroom!

      Reply ↓
    15. Zephy*

      I was off yesterday and I finally got around to mopping the #$(*&% floors, so I feel pretty good about that.

      Maybe today if I have the spiritual wherewithal I’ll declutter the kitchen table. There’s only two of us, and our schedules are so different that we rarely take a meal at the same time, so rather than being used in the conventional manner, the kitchen table is my landing pad for anything I might have in my hands upon entering the house. It seems like the more precariously things are stacked on the table, the more urgent it is for the cats to pick their way across that landscape.

      Reply ↓
    16. Mrs. Frisby*

      I’m cleaning out (yet again) my library closet that seems to attract so much clutter. It’s always kind of the worst to do, but I feel a lot better when it’s done. It will take me longer than a weekend (I’m taking most of next week off and I’m dedicating some time every day to household projects including this one), but I started with taking everything out and sorting it into piles so while my library is currently a disaster, it will eventually look a lot better as things get tossed/donated/moved to where they should really live.

      Reply ↓
    17. goddessoftransitory*

      Ugh, dunno. Maybe hauling that nice but oddly shaped roasting dish down to storage, finally, since we never use it.

      Reply ↓
    18. Scholarly Publisher*

      I finally mended a sweater that had gotten holes in it. It’s not the world’s greatest set of darns, but it looks better than the holes.

      Reply ↓
    19. Elizabeth West*

      The caulk on my bathtub was getting pretty rough around the edges and I got tired of looking at it. I thought about calling maintenance, but then I thought, what would they do about it? They’d caulk it. I had some caulk, so I caulked it. It looks fantastic.

      The tile needs to be regrouted, but that’s a big job and would probably not happen until I move out of here. I splooged caulk in the holes so water wouldn’t go in.

      Reply ↓
  15. Six Feldspar*

    The weather gods have granted me another weekend of warm dry days so I’m painting the back porch (after doing the front porch last weekend)

    I’ve also piled all my fabric and yarn stash onto the living room table and I’m not allowed to put it away until I’ve logged it all in a spreadsheet and made plans for what to do with it. Hopefully I’ll get to it this weekend!

    Reply ↓
    2. Gyne*

      If you’re on Ravely (it’s free), I found their stash section very helpful for this. You can log each skein with amount and colorway, and then it’s immediately accessible while you’re looking for patterns to use up the yarn.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’ve got a Ravelry account and patterns saved but I haven’t looked at the stash section yet. Thanks to the reminder!

        Reply ↓
  16. Middle Name Jane*

    I’ve been realizing that I need some kind of fun hobby to do, but I’m completely lost on what! I’m not artistic or crafty, but I want to do learn how to make something. What is something I could get into that’s easy to learn, inexpensive or doesn’t require a big investment of supplies? Not knitting or crochet because I’m insanely hot natured and weird about fabric. I love the terrarium I made a couple years ago, for reference. I also have ADHD, and I tend to be fried after work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Six Feldspar*

      Some ideas off the top of my head:
      Drawing ( there’s lots of online prompts if you want more inspiration than just drawing what you see)
      Lego or similar put together kits
      Origami
      Air dry clay
      Jigsaw puzzles
      Cooking (I like kneading bread or making dumplings)

      Definitely relate to being fried after work so I haven’t listed digital hobbies – when I started office work I was ready for the bad lighting and the back pain and the meetings that should have been emails, but I was NOT prepared or warned about getting to the end of the day and having the absolute goddamn need to make something with my hands…

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Clay is a blast! I used to make all sorts of little model animals (In college I constructed The Good Time Lizard Band, which was insanely ambitious and covered with little fiddly bits that promptly broke off, but still fun.)

        Reply ↓
    2. Broken scones*

      I haven’t tried this myself but I have friends who are into diamond art and it seems fun! Similar to paint by numbers, except you use mini diamonds.

      Reply ↓
      1. ronda*

        my sister has been doing paint by numbers, and someone in my water aerobics class mentioned it too as very relaxing.

        there are many craft sets for children that you can try out.

        model building or painting of those dye cast models

        I did crochet and donated it. I found a local craft shop that had a program for donating under Warm Up America. So if you just dont want to keep what you made but dont have a problem with working with the yarn, you could try to find a place like that for donations before starting, so you know you won’t be stuck with the stuff you make.

        several people in my apartments did what they called glue books. I think the craft store called it mixed media. It is basically taking a book of paper and glueing paper (often cut out of magazines), and trinkets to the page to make a collage. They would often use prompts like Poolside,windows, wings. different prompts for different pages.

        my sister got my grand nephew a wood etching or carving set, that he seems very impressed with. now his grandfather has had to get him a bunch of wood to work on :)

        Reply ↓
      2. Hoary Vervain*

        I love it and it’s incredibly low-cost for entry! Coasters, ornaments and bookmarks are fun and fast, although some people also do giant mosaics with them (I do not have the patience).

        Reply ↓
    4. Sloanicota*

      FWIW after work I need “big” crafts, if that makes sense, as I don’t want to be squinting intently at something after a day of looking at my computer. I like ceramics but the cost of clay and equipment varies.

      Reply ↓
    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Check if your local high school has an extension program with classes for adults, or your local art center has adult classes. It can be a good way to run across “Oh, this is a thing?”

      Reply ↓
    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s interesting to me that you say no to knitting because of texture issues– That is exactly the reason I want to learn to knit socks.

      Needle felting is a low initial investment and simple to do the basics. You can buy a kit with everything you need to make a needle felted toy animal. And I’ve seen some amazing videos of people decorating jackets and sweaters with needle felted art.

      Reply ↓
      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        Yeah, me too. Knitting/crochet means you can choose any yarn you want, made of all kinds of things, so it feels exactly like you want.

        Also, if you are envisioning something sitting on your lap when you talk about being hot, stick with smaller projects. They sort of hang in midair off the needles while you work and never touch your body. Like, I could never work on a sweater in the summer, but headbands, socks, mittens, hats, or crocheted small objects likely will not make you hot.

        On the other hand, my husband with ADD was really into origami a few years ago. Bought a pack of origami paper and some “bone” folders and then watched youtube video tutorials. He can still fold a fox from memory. Very cheap unless you get into luxury papers.

        Reply ↓
    7. Ashley*

      Embroidery! Very inexpensive. Etsy has a lot of cute patterns if you search for hand embroidery. Embroidery is nice because it can be as simple as adding a few flowers to a shirt you already have but you can work your way into more challenging projects if you want.

      Reply ↓
    8. Sparrow*

      I enjoyed the book “Making Things Finding Use, Meaning & Satisfaction in Crafting Everyday Objects” by Erin Boyle. It is written for people of all experience levels, the end products are useful and pretty, and the supplies are chosen to be inexpensive/versatile.

      Reply ↓
    9. Girasol*

      How about a photo journal? Explore the neighborhood looking for good and unusual shots and then pick a best photo of the day every day. It makes you look at the familiar differently.

      Reply ↓
    10. Qwerty*

      I love cross-stitch – there are both large and small kits. I usually have one of each going. It’s easy to put a project on pause for 10min or a year.

      Drawing / sketching should be a low barrier to entry. Libraries used to have learn-to-draw books to help teach techniques.

      Pinterest may be your friend here for exploring options of what to make.

      Reply ↓
    11. EA*

      Collage or scrapbooking is a good one and can make some nice memories. I also like making photo books and albums.

      I actually have a collection of succulents and have decorated some of the pots. You can also build stuff to hang them or display them. It’s not a super time consuming hobby, but I like them :)

      Reply ↓
    13. Christina*

      I haven’t taken an art class since required classes in high school, but I just started learning watercolor. It’s fun, low effort, low mess, very relaxing. You don’t have to make a “thing, you can just make patterns.

      Coloring books are also a fun, low investment thing that you don’t have to learn but uses that part of your brain.

      Reply ↓
    14. Forensic13*

      Making bracelets with embroidery floss can be very cheap, and you can start with easy techniques and get to more difficult ones.

      Reply ↓
  17. Chaordic One*

    Maybe some sort of gardening? You say you love the terrarium you made a couple of years ago. You might start with a couple of house plants and later in the spring consider something outside.

    Reply ↓
  18. RMNPgirl*

    What brave thing have you done lately?

    I went to the local Reform synagogue this evening by myself. Note – I am not Jewish but have been studying it since August. It started out with a rabbit hole on Orthodox Jewish tiktok and I’ve now read 4 books and am working my way through the Torah/Tanakh. I finally got up the courage to go to the synagogue for service and everyone was really welcoming! I’m going to keep going back and go to some of their other activities and see where it takes me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Welcome to the Jewish community. May you find peace, spiritual nourishment, historical, literary, musical, cultural and/or culinary horizon-widening, and good companions in whatever combination you want. It’s a wonderful heritage and resource, in my (admittedly biased) opinion. I’m not preaching to the world, just welcoming you as an individual explorer. Shabbat shalom.

      Reply ↓
    2. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Went to the local knitting/yarn stuff meet up, and the local film club. Two big passions of mine that keep me inside a lot, using them to go out and connect with people. It’s been great.

      Reply ↓
    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’ve signed up for an individual singing lessons (would have already had the first one but was sick this week)…I’ve sung at my church my whole life but never actually had any training and have some ongoing issues I’d like to improve on. But somehow having some experience makes me more nervous than having none at all!

      Reply ↓
    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I am getting quotes for a shower repair.

      This means admitting how long the shower has been unused, and letting people into the cluttered basement. I am still reclaiming my home and cleaning out my late husband’s hoards so this is huge.

      And, well, I just admitted here that my late husband had crossed over from packrat to hoarder.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That is awesome! I’m not a hoarder, but I can be really messy at times, and I know how hard it can be to let people in when you’re not happy about how my place looks. You’re doing great!

        Reply ↓
      2. Middle Aged Lady*

        Good for you! What a relief it is sometimes to get things out in the open!
        At my house, I have been more honest with friends about how my spouse’s ADHD affects our lives, and how much mental energy it takes us to do things other people take for granted. He has been more open about it, too.
        I also continue to work on people pleasing tendencies and speaking my mind. Told a friend I couldn’t dogsit anymore, for example.

        Reply ↓
  19. SuprisinglyADHD*

    So grateful for the plumber we found last year! We had a burst pipe and he was at our house in an hour, got into the wall without needing to demo anything, found the offending fitting immediately, and got the proper repair done despite working in an extremely inaccessible spot. Then spent the rest of the evening working on finding a way to prevent future problems in the same spot (this is the second burst pipe in that wall). He also put in a heater for another pipe we were worried about, giving us some extra peace of mind. What could have been a catastrophe turned into an inconvenience, a great tradesman is worth their weight in gold!

    Reply ↓
  21. Anonymaus*

    I’ve got a relationship question for y’all: I have been friends with this person for over 10 years now, and in the beginning, it was them who wanted to be with me romantically. We sorted that out and stayed friends, but after a while I caught feelings. Did not help that we started to meet up more in the last two years.
    I think I need to hear it directly from them that I am imagining reciprocating, and I kind think I need to be turned down to get over them, but how do I say that??? That implies telling them I have feelings for them, which scares the crap out of me (and I am so afraid of loosing that friendship). But I can’t continue like that, I spend so much time dreaming about them it interferes with my regular life.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Hmm. Having been on the opposite side of this (I asked “would you like to,” they said “no thank you,” we stayed friends) I think the ball is very much in your court here. If my friend ever wanted to bring this up again I’d be open to talking about it, but I would *never* bring it up again myself and would firmly ignore any hints as being wishful thinking, so I think you’ll have to be pretty direct. Most people don’t forget asking someone out. Just give them the out quickly if their feelings have changed, and I bet you can stay friends.

      Reply ↓
    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I concur on every point with Sloanicota.
      If you put yourself in their shoes, that’s pretty clear you’re the only one who can move it forward.
      They asked once, you said no. If they have any respect for you, even if they still have feelings, they simply cannot ask again without appearing to ignore the previous no. And in addition, they would risk you questioning this whole time of friendship: hence, their risk of losing the friendship would be much greater than yours…
      (Yeah, I’ve been there too)
      So, I’m afraid you’ll have to take the jump this time. Wish you the best of luck! :)

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        But keep in mind, it doesn’t have to be a terrible high stakes thing!! I would be happy if my friend changed her mind and although I’m not sure any longer that we’d be a good couple, I wouldn’t be mad at them for asking about it. It would also make me feel less crazy for feeling a tension last time (they could still be kicking themselves for misreading the whole thing before!). Plus, you decided last time you’d be happy to stay friends knowing they had caught some feelings, so you know it’s quite possible they’ll feel the same way now even if they no longer share the attraction!

        Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      I agree totally with Sloanicota; the ball is in your court now. It’s just the same as when they tested the waters with you. They asked respectfully in a way that didn’t endanger the friendship and even though the answer wasn’t yes, you “sorted it out”. I think the trick is to keep it as low key and unpressured as possible. So, rather than declaring undying love, just stress that there’s no wrong answer to the question but you wonder sometimes about how they wanted to try dating and you’re musing about whether you were too hasty. If they feel differently now that’s fine! But you had to ask before dismissing it. You can do this, you’re brave :)

      Reply ↓
    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I too completely agree with Sloanicota.

      If you give it a whirl and are ready to graciously and respectfully accept a “no” if that’s the answer, then I think at minimum, you will have gained some clarity.

      And who knows? Maybe the answer will be yes, and you two will have an adorable story to tell years later about how you met, just like in *When Harry Met Sally*.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes!! Or who knows, perhaps it will be a bit awkward trying to switch to a romantic relationship and you’ll be back here asking about that next! I’d say keep your expectations low and just focus on how you’re actually feeling in the moment and not what’s going on in your head (this is my personal mantra for all romantic situations).

        Reply ↓
    5. Not A Manager*

      You stayed friends once, why couldn’t you stay friends a second time?

      “I kind think I need to be turned down to get over them, but how do I say that???” I certainly wouldn’t say that. You’re framing all of this as a lost cause that you need help accepting. I COMPLETELY understand that feeling, for a lot of reasons, but on the other side it just makes the exchange unnecessarily awkward. You don’t *really* want to be turned down. What you really want is for them to reciprocate your feelings. So don’t pretend that they’d be doing you some emotional favor by turning you down.

      I think that in a low-stakes way, you can say that you’ve really been enjoying spending more time together, and you wonder if they’d like to explore dating. If they say something like, “I haven’t thought about it,” or “I didn’t even realize you felt that way,” just leave it on the table. You don’t have to get into a deep conversation. Say something like, “Well, give it some thought,” or “I love hanging out with you no matter what,” or “I’d like to explore that with you, but if not that’s fine,” and just let it sit.

      Reply ↓
    6. Bonne chance*

      Are they theoretically available? If so, yes to all the advice so far. (If they’re, like, monogamously partnered, then I do think “bringing up my current feelings just to be turned down” would be an odd choice if your hope is to maintain a close friendship!)

      Reply ↓
    7. Anonymaus*

      Ah, the commentariat delivers again! Thank you so much for your insight and help!
      We are actually both available, so I think bringing it up will at least give us some closure, either way.

      Reply ↓
    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Are you sure they will turn you down? If they didn’t, how would you feel about that?

      If they’re already involved in another relationship, you have your answer. They would probably find it odd to have to say “not happening” when it’s clear it won’t be.

      Even if they are available, I think it might be an onus on them to have to say “I’m not attracted to you” to your face–I would feel really bad saying that to someone I cared about even if they wanted me to (and honestly, it’s one thing to think you need that, another to hear it–it might do more damage to your friendship than you think.)

      Basically, if you think this isn’t going to be a go, you may have to take a short break from the relationship. Neither of you did anything wrong, your feelings simply have intertwined with romantic urges and you have to disentangle them. Be honest about why you need the break, too; it’s usually pretty obvious when someone isn’t telling the truth and causes more drama than it avoids.

      Reply ↓
  22. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    Anyone else looking at alternatives for doomscrolling? I’ve found Pinterest to be a great “mindless browsing” source, and I’ve started using Readly to look at magazines – craft stuff mostly – to avoid the dreaded Comment Sections on news sites.

    Reply ↓
    1. Zephy*

      I got a cute little puzzle game called Doors: Paradox on Steam. The levels are little puzzle-box-houses that you need to figure out how to open and you’re following a little cat through the interdimensional space. Each puzzle is pretty short, I think the most elaborate one had about 4 stages/mini-puzzles to solve. It’s low-stakes, cute, the music is pleasant to listen to. Short levels mean it’s easy to pick up and do a puzzle or two and then close back out.

      Logic Town is also a nice, cute puzzle game. It’s a zebra puzzle, a type of sorting logic puzzle. The specific tokens in each level don’t actually matter, so it’s basically infinitely replayable, and the graphics are cute (if sometimes hard for me to distinguish, but I think that’s a me-problem). Most of the music is nice to listen to as well.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

        Ooh, escape room puzzles! I can talk about these for ages!

        I love the Doors series (yes, there’s a series, and unlike most escape room series you don’t get two or three levels and have to pay for the rest – you get an entire game and then have the option to buy another entire-game-sized add-on for quite a decent price!) Definitely recommend.

        Also recommend, if you love escape rooms, the Dooors series – with three Os – little room-sized escape puzzle level collections by a Japanese developer, 58works (who also have other clever puzzle escape rooms such as KALAQULI R, which is ninja themed and very fun!) There are also Sakiko Muto’s Apartment.Bacon series escape games which are much less polished and can be fiendish in terms of difficulty, and the music frankly grates on the nerves as it’s a very small composition slapped on endless loop, but I’m very fond of some of the quirky content like talking paintings and apartments full of cats. Both series are 100% free, Dooors has only recently started including ads (on game startup, which does bother me as I do not want to open a game and promptly get an ad to the face; none between levels though, as far as I’ve found, unless you’ve been out of the app for a bit but left it running in the background) and Apartment.Bacon only shows ads if you choose to watch them to unlock a game’s hints. They might however both be iOS exclusive series so if you’re on Android I’m afraid I haven’t got another recommendation.

        There’s also Machinika Museum and Machinika Atlas but those are very limited in what you’re able to play without buying DLC, and the Rusty Lake series and The Room series both have a very strong horror bent to them so I would not recommend them if you’re not a horror fan (Rusty Lake especially; for being as colourful and cartoonishly drawn as it is, it’s dark! Was not expecting the gore and psychological horror, luckily I’m not fussed by such…and I really don’t care for the fact that Rusty Lake: Paradox gives you one level and then goes “buy our DLC” but it is actually very fairly priced so I’m likely to do that.)

        Reply ↓
    2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Looking up something weird but mentally restful on Wikipedia, and following interesting links from the article I start with, and so on. One example the other day was someone doing a sleep study at the “Sleepy Eye clinic,” and searching for “Sleepy Eye” got me a town, and the lake it’s named for, and so on. Along similar lines, use the “random article” button until I hit something interesting.

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I mostly use Pinterest for this but I think it’s a function Bluesky is trying to offer. Haven’t explored much yet but they have “starter packs” you can follow to have a bunch of people in your feed talking about cats or Lego or whatever as well as some other themed features.

      Reply ↓
    4. Double A*

      I joined Bluesky which has a lot of potential for doom scrolling but I put a limit on the time on my phone and spend my time on the Booksky thread reading and talking about books.

      Reply ↓
    6. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m in love with the Splash: Fish Sanctuary game. I’m on Android, but I’m sure it’s on iOS too. I’ve been playing it almost 2 years and haven’t gotten bored. It’s relaxing, colorful, free (option to buy stuff but not needed to play), and educational. The fish you raise are real, and you complete a task to catalog each new species. When a fish is catalogued, you get a little card with info about the species. A fun, no-pressure game.

      Reply ↓
    7. epicdemiologist*

      About once a week I watch an episode of “Cooking With Beagles” on YouTube and laugh until I can’t breathe.

      Reply ↓
  23. StarHunter*

    Does anyone have suggestions for a mascara that doesn’t flake? I keep trying different brands and within the hour I have flakes of mascara around my eyes. Maybe it’s my eyelashes :-)

    It doesn’t matter whether it’s waterproof or not or at this point the price. I like wearing mascara since my eyelashes are so pale, but haven’t in a while. There was a thread about this some time ago but wanted to get some new suggestions. Thanks for the help!

    Reply ↓
    1. Manders*

      I use Clinique Lash Power mascara. It’s not the kind that will give you crazy fat or crazy long lashes, but it enhances what you have in a more natural way. For me it doesn’t flake at all.

      Reply ↓
      2. Reba*

        Yes! Sometimes they are not marketed as tubing but if you look at the directions, it says to wash off with warm water. That’s what you want!

        I am also devoted to the clinique Lash Power Long Wear.

        Reply ↓
      3. Defective Jedi*

        Another vote for tubing mascara! Try several because they have different consistencies and brushes that may or may not work for you. Blinc Amplified was the winner for me.

        Reply ↓
    3. Bella Ridley*

      It actually could be your eyelashes. Some people naturally secrete more oil than others from their skin and hair follicles, and while we usually associate this with people saying “I have oily hair” it can apply to the lashes as well. More oil than average can interfere with the way mascara adheres to your lashes, so yes, a tubing mascara might work better.

      This is the same reason some people have issues with eyeliner staying in place, foundation and concealer “melting” off, and even why not all types of nail polish work the same on everyone. Small changes in the chemistry balance between your body and the products can impact the way they work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        One more possibility related to this — if not the natural skin it can be oily from moisturizers/serums if those are swiped over or around eyes. Personally, I don’t put products on my eyelids but some people do.

        Reply ↓
    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      I use DiorShow waterproof mascara. I get it from Sephora. It’s not cheap, but it never seems to go anywhere.

      Reply ↓
    5. Ellis Bell*

      Everything flakes on me nowadays, until someone here recommended lash slick from Glossier. It reminds me of an old school mascara without any filler crap to bulk it out (they are ubiquitous on modern mascaras but it just creates flake-tasia) but it’s high quality and the formula stays liquidy and dries fast preventing any issues. I tried literally everything including tubing and even the tubes flaked off on me. The closest I got before this was mascara primer, which flaked a little bit not as much.

      Reply ↓
    6. Maestra*

      I use Maybelline’s Define-a-lash and I’ve never had any problems. It’s a drugstore brand, so wouldn’t be too expensive to try out. Unless that’s one you’ve already tried in which case, good luck!

      Reply ↓
    7. ElastiGirl*

      Maybelline Falsies Lash Lift has been absolutely reliable for me — and of course very affordable. (Make sure you get Lash Lift; there are a lot of Falsies options.) Ymmv.

      Reply ↓
    8. SqueakyWeasel*

      Would you consider getting them tinted? I was scared for a long time but if you find a place you trust it’s amazing. I get brows done too and it makes it super easy to feel put together, bit of bb cream and lip balm and good to go.

      Reply ↓
    10. Banish the pale*

      I’ve learned how to dye my own lashes, but I first started out with a professional. Never use mascara and I don’t miss it.

      Reply ↓
  24. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    I’m trying to sort and organise my sprawling embroidery fabric/thread/pattern/kit stashes and would appreciate any suggestions for storage solutions. At the moment it’s all in ‘crammed into various boxes’ and ‘chaotic mess on top’ categories.

    I do live in a very small house (UK terrace) so small is better. Also disabled so I need to be able to get into it without getting stuff off the floor level.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      I really like Clutterbug on YouTube for storage recommendations. She has done a few videos on craft room reorganizations if you want to check those out.

      Reply ↓
      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I really like her too. Plus she can help you (pretty quickly) figure out what your organizing style is, so you don’t make a big effort for a system that doesn’t suit you.
        She’s also a total hoot!

        Reply ↓
    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I kind of do the crammed into boxes method (let’s call it a method lol) but have been adding layers of organization. I have one of the little sectioned boxes for thread on cardboard bobbins. I have a mini hardware drawer thing (the little clear drawers for nails and screws) for little tools and findings like needles, snaps, fabric pens, etc. My fabric is just folded up and smushed into a bin but I’ve seen the idea of using a file cabinet where you basically drape each fabric over a hanging folder. That could also work for patterns/kits, or maybe a binder with the clear page protectors? You can get file folder boxes to put on a shelf as an alternative to a file cabinet on the floor (or get a taller cabinet and leave the bottom drawer empty).

      Reply ↓
    3. Grey Coder*

      I have sewing things in “small parts storage” systems designed for screws etc. Check out Screwfix or Toolstation. I have a lot of things in compartmentalised cases, and I write the general contents on a sticker on the outside. Many of these cases have adjustable dividers to accommodate different sizes of things.

      Reply ↓
    4. Reba*

      The IKEA Alex drawer units are awesome for small stuff. For divided boxes, ArtBin is premium but fishing tackle boxes and tea bag organizer boxes are good if not better.

      Reply ↓
    5. HannahS*

      I am a really big fan of zipper lock bags of various sizes and otherwise, chaos. I am disorganized by nature and so many individually labelled fussy containers won’t work for me. In your shoes, I’d identify a cabinet or set of drawers that suits your mobility needs, then have one drawer (or large clear box) for fabric, one for patterns and kits (each kit in its own bag so components don’t get lost) and one drawer for thread. I’d use the bags to organize the thread to your heart’s content (all the reds together etc or however you like.)

      I basically do “the things that are the same type are all in the same place, separated in clear bags so that nothing gets tangled.” It’s not aesthetically pleasing, but it does work!

      Reply ↓
      1. Anonymous Cat*

        I also use the zipper lock bags for small items/projects, especially if they’re clear. I can see what each one is at a glance and they’re very easy to take with me if I need to.

        Some zipper bags even come with a label to fill in.

        And i put related bags of projects in those reusable tote bags that seem to grow in my closet!

        Reply ↓
    6. goddessoftransitory*

      For small bits and bobs, a tackle or makeup kit box might work. All sorts of little separated slots for things that you can fold out and scan quickly!

      Reply ↓
  25. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Anyone have experience bringing an old shower stall up to modern standard? I knew I was repairing a leaky shower floor… But apparently the leak is because there was no pan used at the time the house was built. The shower is not a standard square… I know I don’t know enough to know what I don’t know… help!

    Reply ↓
    1. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      Not a plumber or a tile installer, but… I recommend you look into shower waterproofing products by Schluter. When I had my primary bath remodeled, the contractors recommended that system. My shower floor was going to be an odd shape, so a prefab pan wouldn’t have worked, and Schluter makes a membrane system in addition to prefab pans. I’m not sure if it’s DIY friendly – the contractors told me there was special training required for those products, but that may have had to do with product warranties.

      Reply ↓
      1. fhqwhgads*

        Yeah, those products are great. They’re not just waterproofing; they’re also uncoupling membranes. Really good stuff. (not a plumber or tiler either, just an informed consumer)

        Reply ↓
      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m not DIYing this — but I’ve had one contractor say it was too big for him, the second say it was around $6500, and another say $2500. That’s such a huge difference I am worrying a lot.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          I’ve had ridiculously high quotes from contractors as a way for them to say “we don’t want this job”. Are either of them itemized or otherwise broken down?

          Reply ↓
        2. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

          When I was getting estimates for my remodel, two contractors told me that the shower alone would be around $4000-5000 due to shower size, tile, glass (one wall and a door), and labor. This was back in 2020. So those numbers don’t sound all that off. Especially if there was leaking, and possibly damage to the subfloor.

          Maybe try for one more estimate, to give you more of a range to choose from?

          Reply ↓
  26. anonymoustoday*

    Hi AAM commentariat – I’m putting some additional effort into digital privacy and wanted to see what y’all recommend as far as VPNs for personal use?
    Happy to hear any other recommendations or advice as well. Thanks in advance!

    Reply ↓
    1. Alyn*

      We use Tailscale, but I can’t tell you much about it as my spouse is the techy person who set it up. I do know they’re fairly picky about security, but they also have a higher than normal tech level, so while I’m sure it’s good, I don’t know how easy it’d be to set up.

      Reply ↓
    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Proton VPN is free, but don’t let that fool you. The Proton Foundation is a Swiss non-profit, with Tim Berners Lee on the board and scientists on staff. The free level is pretty limited, but that’s all I need right now. I only switched recently because I switched routers, my previous router let me log in to it as a VPN, so check for that capability on your home router if you’re comfortable setting it up on your own. That would have been my preference, but the new mesh network has better speed and coverage, although the lack of a built-in VPN made me consider undoing all that work.

      I also tried Tunnelbear a while back and thought it was fine, but not as good as my own VPN. Nord comes highly recommended/rated, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Apple Studmuffin*

        I second the Protonmail universe: in addtion to VPN, they offer email, password wallet, storage and more, and my favorite is Passmail: if I need an email address for something and am likely to get spammed/ just not interested in corresponding with that service, protonmail/passmail will make up an email address for the occasion and forward anything they send to my main email address (which they are never told). When done, I block that email address and thus avoid any future spam from that service. If I order from there again- well, new Passmail address!

        Reply ↓
      2. Lady Alys*

        2nd the Proton recommendation (they actually have a suite of applications, like mail and password management) – only downside is I have to disable it to post on AAM!

        Reply ↓
        1. Retirednow*

          We use ExpressVPN and I’m very happy – it’s relatively inexpensive and doesn’t slow down my already slow Wi-Fi.

          Reply ↓
    4. ElastiGirl*

      May I jump on this thread to ask a related question? I am also researching personal VPNs, and would like to know what I will *not* be able to do (or what will be a hassle) with a VPN as opposed to without one? Thank you!

      Reply ↓
      1. GreySuit (they/them)*

        Certain websites will give 403 Forbidden errors if you attempt to access them with a VPN, and if you’re using an MFA authenticator that checks your location against your IP address, that will fail. My sibling also uses a VPN and has had to disable them to play high-ping online games, but I don’t have that trouble. I have been using Proton for a few months and these are the only problems I’ve run into, I otherwise quite like it.

        Reply ↓
  27. Louisa*

    Hi all! I’m planning a three-week road trip and I’m looking for tips, especially when it comes to food. I’ll be alternating camping and staying with friends, so I’ll have periodic access to a kitchen. Is there any healthy road food you’d recommend? Anything else that you did on an extended road trip that made your life easier?

    Reply ↓
    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe check out local grocery stores and get things like a bag of apples or clementines, bunch of bananas, etc.?

      Reply ↓
    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Pre-made breakfast burritos are a go-to for my family. Cooked sausage or bacon, cooked veggies, then make scrambled eggs and stir the whole thing in a bowl and wrap tortillas (with cheese) to make as many as the filling fits. Wrap each one in wax paper then a freezer-grade ziploc bag. They’ll freeze very nicely, and as long as the bag isn’t leaky they’ll be fine in a cooler. (Don’t use slider ziplocs in a wet cooler, they leak. I learned that the hard way) You can reheat individual burritos in a microwave if you have one, or (probably) in a frying pan over a camp stove or fire (I haven’t been camping in years). I particularly like them for the morning I leave because they can be eaten in the car without too much mess.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Similarly we used to go on historic reenactment campouts with hand pies– spinach and cheese, or spiced ground meat. Seal the dough well and freeze them in sealed bags and they reheat nicely.

        Reply ↓
    3. Not That Jane*

      We did a month long road trip this summer with kids, similar vibe to yours. Hits with everyone were: carrot sticks, sliced daikon radishes (I know it sounds weird but they were super refreshing), apples, blueberries, cucumber. The first night we were able to cook in a kitchen again, we all ate the HECK out of some steamed broccoli, so that might have been a good car munchie too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Not That Jane*

        Oh, the other thing that really helped us was buying a small plastic shelving unit to keep small items in that didn’t have easy places to put. You know how at home you never have to look for the nail clippers because there’s a standard place you keep them? When you’re suddenly living out of a car for an extended period of time, a lot of those “standard places” become “OK, I think it makes sense to put the nail clippers in this spot after I use them” which becomes “wait a minute where did I put the nail clippers.” So we got shelves for all those little items. Depending on size of your vehicle, a small plastic bin could work too :)

        Reply ↓
        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          A friend with a converted van recommends bags that can hang from hooks, and crocheted/mesh hammocks for larger things like paper towel rolls, bread, and onions.

          Reply ↓
    4. Not A Manager*

      We did a bunch of road trips during the pandemic. I’m not a big raw-fruit-and-veggie person, and when I’m hungry, I’m hungry. We had a cooler with cold cuts and cheeses. Wherever we were sleeping, in the morning we’d make sandwiches to eat in the car/at an outdoor rest stop. I also always travel with hard-boiled eggs, and those make a quick and easy car snack. If you pack tortillas you can even create a wrap on the road if you need to.

      I can’t tell if you’re asking about camping meals as well. I always like one-pot cooking when I camp. (I have a propane camp stove so I’m not always cooking over coals.) Basically I saute onions, carrots, celery type things in a little oil with some seasonings, add water and part of a bullion cube, and put in a starch and an animal protein whenever it makes sense so that they cook properly. I usually add a spoonful of tomato paste (you can get it in a tube, which is easier when you’re camping) before I add the water.

      Examples would be quinoa and chicken breast – quinoa needs to simmer for about 15 minutes, but cubed chicken breast only needs about five minutes, so I’d simmer the quinoa for 10 minutes and add chicken breast and any quick cooking veggies like zucchini or bell pepper. Cous cous (the small kind) only needs to steam for 5 minutes in hot liquid, so I’d saute some Italian sausage with the onions until fully cooked, add the broth, bring to a boil and then steam the cous cous.

      Reply ↓
    5. Not A Manager*

      You asked about other things that make life easier. Pillows matter to me, so on road trips I toss a pillow into the car and use it in hotels and guest rooms. I’ll use it in a tent, as well, so long as I’m not worried about the damp.

      Reply ↓
    6. Sloanicota*

      When I travel I tend to be *super* thrifty and I’d say the best healthy bang for your buck is nuts. No refrigeration necessary, easy packing, but has actual protein and nutrients. TBH I can live on pretzels with peanut butter as dinner, but a handful of unsalted almonds is a healthier option to round out breakfast with fruit (not a big breakfast person) or baby carrots + whatever else as lunch.

      Reply ↓
    8. ronda*

      one thing my sister did with her clothes,,, 1 day set of clothes in a grocery plastic bag, as many of these as you want to have. much easier to grab 1 bag than to go thru and find the bottoms, tops, underwear, socks each day.

      On my road trip a separate bag for dirty clothes.

      Reply ↓
  28. Nack*

    Any one have advice/experience for delivering news you know will disappoint the hearer? Here’s the story: my husband has accepted a job that will have us move across the country, away from my family. We are super excited – it’s his dream job, and we are moving back to an area we lived in before and have missed terribly. We need to tell my family soon and I know they will be disappointed. We did mention the idea a few months ago so they won’t be blindsided.

    To be frank, I feel like my family will miss me a lot more than I will miss them. In the time we’ve lived near them, I feel like they’re leaning toward enmeshment and I feel suffocated and want out. I love them and I want to be sensitive to their feelings but I also want to be clear it’s a done deal and I’m very happy with the choice.

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      Pretend they’ll be happy for you. Don’t be obnoxious about it of course but start in with “great news! Husband got his dream job!” And go from there. I was going to say invite them to come when you’re settled but maybe you don’t want them to :D

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I think I slightly disagree, although reasonable opinions can vary here. If you think they probably won’t be happy at all, I don’t think you need to lead with your joy and expect them to act excited for you. I’d say present it as bittersweet news the way you would announce a resignation at work – you’re happy and excited but it will also be a big change and you will miss them (this is a perfect time for a mild white lie. Unless they’ve been cruel I don’t see any reason to indicate you’re glad to be getting away from them). And mention whatever you’re willing to do to stay in touch, whether that’s visiting, a weekly or a monthly zoom, whatever. No need to oversell the sadness either of course.

        Reply ↓
        1. Saturday*

          Agree – I don’t think it would be a good idea to disingenuously act like you think they’ll be happy. I think it’s good to point out that you won’t get to see each other as much (bitter part), but that you are very excited for the new opportunity (sweet!).

          I actually did feel sad to leave when I did this, and the mistake I made was to emphasize the sadness I felt (not to an excessive degree or anything) and downplay the excitement because I felt bad that they felt bad. But I realized later that I just made them feel sadder about the whole thing. So I agree, don’t oversell the sadness. Let them feel disappointment for a bit, but then move on to expressing your excitement. Ideally, that will be the silver lining for them.

          Reply ↓
    2. Frequent Mover*

      I’ve had this specific conversation a few times- Be clear that you are very happy and this is good for you. Don’t spend a lot of energy explaining why it is better.
      Say that you will miss them and are so glad that you can use xyz to maintain your connection which is so important to you.
      Create (but don’t use unless needed) some scripts for changing the topic if they start using guilt. “I will miss you/that too but I’m really focused on …. right now, do you want to help me with it? Or redirect to something you can do together when they come visit you. “I was just remembering how much fun the zoo is there, I know you will really like it when you come visit”

      The goal is to remind them that the relationship remains even though the shape of it changes when you live far away and you value them too. And remind yourself that their feelings are theirs to manage. My partner and best friend were the people to hear all the mixed feelings and worries and how much I hate the act of moving since they could handle that these things are both- wonderful and hard!

      Reply ↓
    3. Qwerty*

      Let your excitement show! Approach it as if you are excited to share the happy news with them and know they’ll be happy for you. Tell them as soon as possible so they can make the most of the time that is left – my recommendation is call someone today with the news, don’t wait for the next time you are all together.

      If they say how much they are going to miss you, reciprocate but keep it happy. Tell them you’ll miss them too! Promise to video call with your niblings so you can watch them grow.

      I’ve been on the other side of this where the person moving away handled it really poorly and what hurt the most was that they approached me as if I was going to handle it bad and hid the news so there wasn’t time to process and get excited for them. Grown ups can be sad someone is leaving and happy for them at the same time.

      Reply ↓
    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      My family wasn’t happy when we made a cross-country move, but we were. Don’t act ‘fake sad’ because they will match that energy. Tell them you love them and have enjoyed the time rebuilding those bonds, and talk up the benefits of visiting you in your new home. Don’t make promises about how often you will return. If they moan and groan, emphasize what a great opportunity it is for you and that you will miss them. If they are enmeshers it won’t be easy all the time. That’s just the way they operate. You can be sensitive without engaging in any histrionics. Good luck!!!

      Reply ↓
    5. Not A Manager*

      I think there’s a difference between acknowledging feelings and negotiating outcomes. This is a done deal and you don’t need to justify it or circle back to the decision, but you can also mirror back their (appropriate) feelings. “I know, it’s super exciting but I’ll miss you too,” or “yes, I was looking forward to our Sunday barbecues too, I’ll be sorry to miss them.” Just treat their disappointments as facts of life that everyone will survive.

      Reply ↓
      1. Perpetua*

        This is a more succinct way of what I wanted to say, yes! “Difference between acknowledging feelings and negotiating outcomes” – I love that, thank you.

        Reply ↓
      2. Nack*

        Thank you for this. I think that’s part of my fear – that it will be less of an announcement and more of a negotiation. When we floated the idea to my parents and grandparents, it was not warmly received. There was an obligatory “we want you to do what you think is right” followed swiftly by their many criticisms/critiques of the choice. Part of it also stems from not viewing my husband’s work as a “real job” – it’s something a lot of people do as a hobby but this is in fact a real job! So I don’t want to sound tone deaf and go with 100% excitement, but I also don’t want to be flippant of their concerns. We have certainly thought of those things!

        Also I’m aware I’m probably over thinking the whole thing!

        Reply ↓
        1. Ellis Bell*

          If they’re saying crappy things about your spouse’s job and career path, I might be considering a slightly colder line here. Only briefly, there’s only so much emotional labour that you want to do when the escape hatch has opened up right there, but a quick, one-time “I really don’t appreciate that attitude to Gomez’s job, actually” will do it. After that, just remember that you’re not actually asking for anyone’s permission! You’d like it If they were happy for you, but you’re happy enough, so Oh Well! If you hear a lot of negative feedback loops like”Oh this is going to be a complete disaster! I hear FarTown has dragons!” just “okay” and “hmm”them to death maybe sprinkling in a few choruses of “We’re okay with that” and then ask them if they know a good place to buy packing materials.

          Reply ↓
        2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          Actually, I think you can go with 100% excitement. Note how *you* don’t want to be tone deaf to them, but are they doing the same for you? They should tamp down on their disapproval to support you when you are obviously happy. Their “concerns” are probably based in emotion, not logic, and it’s a bit condescending to act like you’re somehow not competent to have thought of and addressed those yourself.

          I’ll always remember that my mom supported me when I moved several states away in my 20s. She said of course she was going to miss me, but she saw that I was happy and she wanted me to be happy. Literally everyone else, including family and people who barely knew me, were like you’ll hate it, you’ll be back in a year, why would you do that, etc.

          Reply ↓
      3. goddessoftransitory*

        This sums it up beautifully. It’s happening and you’re excited! There’s no need for useless negotiations that just make everyone feel bad.

        Reply ↓
    6. Perpetua*

      Bad news: I don’t think there’s a magic formula for this.
      Good news: You don’t really need it!

      I think the best way to approach it is by not trying to overthink and overplan it, so maybe try to just share it kindly but matter-of-factly, while still making room for their feelings, whatever they are. If they are likely to be disappointed, nothing you say will make it hurt less, but it’s their grief and you can’t really make it go away. So I would just try not to get into a big emotional discussion with them about why you’re leaving or how horrible it might be for them. Share news, leave space for them to react, listen, empathise, don’t engage too much.

      At least if your family is anything like mine. We moved last year to the other side of the (EU) continent, leaving both our sets of parents in our home country. And while we’re sad our kids don’t get to have grandparents close by now and the grandparents don’t get to have grandkids close by now, it’s an unfortunate fact that the move has been much harder on them then us, at least for now. And they get to have their feelings about it, just like we do as well, that’s life. It sounds a bit cold-hearted when written, it’s not my intention, I empathise with everyone involved, it’s just that life sometimes includes complicated decisions and emotions and we all do the best we can with it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nack*

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am aware that I am most definitely over thinking this… part of me thinks if I think through every possible reaction, I can phrase it in such a way that no one gets too upset. And that’s just not possible.

        Reply ↓
        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Just remember: it’s upsetting news, but you aren’t doing this TO upset them. You aren’t being vindictive or mean, it’s a big life change that you’re allowed to be excited about!

          They can obviously have any and all feelings they want to have, but it’s not on you to find the magic spell that “spares” them. It’s their life, too. If they feel bad, they feel bad. But you aren’t making them feel bad.

          Reply ↓
    7. cleo*

      Sometimes it’s easier to share info like that via email or text first, so they have a little time to process their disappointment before you actually talk face to face. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
      1. heckofabecca*

        TW: Death (cancer), parent-child estrangement, generally cursed family dynamics.

        I strongly agree with cleo. If you want my example, check the above TWs and read on.

        My mom, V, was close with my sibling B’s spouse M z”l before B cut contact with V. A few years passed before M died from cancer. I knew that our mom, who for no discernible (to me) reason thought M’s cancer was gone and often spoke of missing M, would be devastated.

        I took on the role of telling our mom about M’s passing. I knew I was not up for handling her immediate reaction. Here’s what I did:

        1. called my mom’s best friend E, told her the news, and coordinated a tag-team approach (see #4)
        2. drafted a brief email to my mom. Essentially: “M has died. I’m really sorry and very sad. E will call you now so you aren’t alone.”
        3. called my mom and told her to sit down. I let her know that as soon as I hung up, I’d be sending her a very upsetting email that she needed to read and to expect a call from E momentarily.
        4. hung up, sent the email, and texted E, who then called my mom to provide initial support

        It wasn’t particularly easy on my end—I literally had just heard the news when I started figuring out how to tell my mom—but I think the whole situation went as well as it could have. (I also later coordinated with B to visit our mom on the day of the funeral so she couldn’t crash it.)

        In your case, I’d send an email with the good news, an acknowledgement of their likely disappointment, a suggestion to talk to [someone understanding who can relate/commiserate], and something like “I really look forward to talking about our plans with you once you’re ready. I love you and will check in via text tomorrow.” You might also want to clearly lay out what behavior you won’t accept once you do start talking about it (i.e. attempts to change your mind, belittling of your husband’s career, unnecessary negativity).

        Congrats and good luck!!!

        Reply ↓
  29. Gardening Help?*

    Novice gardener here. I have a question about growing vegetables from seed. I have some leftover seeds from last year, and I was wondering… is the problem with older seeds that they’re less likely to germinate, or will the plant also be less healthy and produce less? If they’re just less likely to germinate, I think I’ll give some a try. If the plants won’t be great, I think I’ll get all new seeds.

    I also have a general question about where to find information on how much to water vegetables once they’ve gotten past the sprout stage. I grew some carrots last year, and they were tasty but very small. I’m thinking maybe I didn’t give them enough water? I think my soil was okay (but maybe not). I live in zone 9b, and the summers can be pretty hot and dry, so water was my first thought. I grew carrots, spinach, and basil, and everything tasted good, but none of the plants seemed terribly healthy. I think maybe I was too stingy with the water and was hoping for a guide with more info for each plant, but most of the things I read focus on how to get plants started. Maybe after that watering just depends on current conditions too much to be able to offer much guidance?

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      My experience is if they germinate successfully the plant is just as healthy. I simply have lower rates of germination or sometimes none at all, but there’s no risk in giving it a try.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      To your second question … hmm. I’m no expert, but to me a plant that looks good but is too small is usually a sunlight issue (too short a season/not a sunny enough spot? Which seems weird for 9B?). Underwatering I would expect to see crispy or droopy or browning leaves, overwatering: greyish/rot, disease or pests: holes/blemishes … nutrients *could* show as less overall vigor but also generally you wouldn’t see good-looking fruit in the right color but *just* small. This is veeerrry broad advice though and I’m in a different zone so perhaps others have better answers. I’d try more fertilizer next time.

      Reply ↓
    3. Not That Jane*

      My experience has also been less likely to germinate, but once they do the plants are fine. I would look more closely at what season you’re planting and at the quality of your soil.

      Seasons: I’m in a similar zone to you and I find that most root and leaf vegetables (carrots, radishes, spinach, lettuce, chard) do better when grown in spring or fall rather than high summer. On the other hand most “fruits” (tomatoes, peppers, squash, okra, beans) need the heat to fully mature. So I stagger plantings to take that into account – sometimes even letting things like kale overwinter.

      Soil: my raised bed soil was wonderful for the first year or two, then my plants started seeming spindly. I had our soil tested by a local lab ($50 cost) and found it has some nutrient imbalances which I have a plan to correct. Hopefully this coming summer will see the return of the Tomato Jungle :)

      Reply ↓
    4. Jules the First*

      Dumb question, but if you grew from seed, did you thin those crops? My grandda’s rule of thumb was to thin a third of your planting a third of the way through the growing season, and then another third at the second third point so that your final harvest is only a third of what you planted. (You can usually eat your thinnings, but they will be small!)

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        You do usually have to thin, although sometimes I have good luck with widely scattered seeds and do not have to pluck any. I also don’t really thin when I seed directly outdoors, they seem to take care of themselves out there.

        Reply ↓
    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      The older the seeds are, the fewer that germinate. But if they do, they’re fine. I keep my seeds in the fridge for YEARS and they all seem pretty fine.

      Have you amended your soil with compost etc at all? Did you fertilize? And water is important too.
      Also agree with folks above that you could look at timing of planting in your hot zone. Things may need cooler temps.

      Carrots in particular need somewhat sandy soil that has been loosened deeply so they can grow straight. There are many different types of carrots, so you’ll want to check the seed package to see how long they’re actually bred to grow.

      Good luck and welcome to the gardening club!!

      Reply ↓
    6. Pearl Puffin*

      You can test old seeds by putting them in a glass of water. If they sink they’re still good. But don’t do this until you are ready to plant them.

      Reply ↓
    7. MissB*

      I have some seeds that are many years old. For the most part they’ll be fine like everyone says- the exception being the onion family. You want fresh seeds for those.

      I did have some older jalapeno seeds that didn’t grow as nicely as they had in years past but so much of growing a plant from seed is so subjective and sometimes random.

      Are you growing in the same soil? If so, have you added any amendments at all? Last year, did you just start the seeds in soil and never add anything to the soil?

      Plants need water, sun and nourishment. How to fertilize is a personal choice- I could make suggestions but you may not have a 3-bin compost system that also processes chicken “gifts” (aka p**p) so that wouldn’t help you.

      My best year of gardening was last year when I got irrigation installed in my raised beds. It just showed me how important watering is- if you get behind, the plants will struggle. If they don’t have enough nourishment, they’ll struggle. If they get too much of any of that, they may also struggle!

      The good news is that if you like to experiment year to year, you’ll figure it all out. You’ll figure out what works for you.

      Reply ↓
  30. veggie tales*

    I need some vegetable recommendations (more as sides, not main vegetarian but I’ll take those too) as we’ve been eating the same 4 veggies for months and it’s getting a little repetitive.

    My husband and I have been cycling through broccoli (usually roasted in the oven), a caesar salad, asparagus w/ hollandaise, and fried rice with carrots/celery/peas. Sometimes we have zucchini or corn, and carrots w/ ranch. What else can you recommend?

    We don’t like bell peppers or squash related veggies. I’m also really picky with salad (like, I just started actually liking a lettuce salad). Appreciate the help!!

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      I don’t know if this helps, but I work hard to rotate through the color wheel with my veggie sides. Red, orange, yellow (and white), light green, dark green, purple.

      Reply ↓
    2. Retired bureaucrat*

      Roasted cauliflower? I never liked cauliflower until I learned to roast it.
      Any roasted root vegetable—carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes. Try throwing in a parsnip to see if you like them. You can roast a big panful and reheat them.
      Fresh green beans, steamed or boiled until tender.
      Fresh asparagus (from the USA, preferably) is great roasted. Or just steamed with a little butter.
      Try to buy vegetables that are in season. Food that has been in transit for a week is not as tasty as something grown nearby.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Look into sauces, as well. There’s tons of easy to whip up yogurt, mayo, or oil sauces for drizzling over roasted veggies.

        Reply ↓
        1. ronda*

          my mom put lemon butter and bread crumbs over the boiled cauliflower (didnt cook it too long). was usually a hit.
          and really just butter on every thing else.. green beans, corn , peas, broccoli, sautéed mushrooms etc

          acorn squash – halved and baked in a low water bath with brown sugar and butter in middle where the seeds used to be.

          I have enjoyed spaghetti squash in place of pasta.

          from the Chinese recipes: bok choy, snow peas, peanuts or cashews, bean sprouts, etc

          I like those canned picked beets and 3 bean salad. there are many other pickled veggies in jars in the store to choose from and if you have a international market nearby you may find some of the Korean banchan that has several veggie options (bean sprouts, daikon and kimchi are my favorites). I also had done a cut up celery in asian dressing/ pickling

          one of my favorite Indian dishes was a mushroom curry. They have many vegetarian dishes with a lot of spice to them.

          Lentils, and any other bean you like. I hate the refried beans at the Mexican restaurant but will do the ranchero beans (or black beans)

          Beans can also be good in a salad. take a look at cowboy caviar recipes. That was a big hit when I made it for people. leave out or substitute the bell peppers. you can serve over lettuce instead of with chips as a dip. If you dont want to make your own dressing I found Kraft zesty Italian with some fresh squeezed lime juice added worked well (your preferred dressing would probably work too)

          Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Since you say zucchini, I’m guessing the no squash is no winter squash?

      Cucumber: Chopped and tossed with ume plum vinegar; smashed (with a heavy skillet) and then chopped into big chunks and tossed with sesame oil and rice vinegar

      Zucchini: Slice very thin and spread over a plate (carpaccio), then sprinkle with some lemon juice and shaved parmesan

      Carrots: Can roast like the broccoli; also boil and mash like potatoes with various spices (this is based off a middle Eastern dip, so usually in that family)

      Tomatoes: Roast cherry tomatoes slowly in a low even for a couple of hours to dry out, serve with pasta

      Asparagus: Roast like the broccoli and toss with lemon

      I have gotten into kale salads, because they feel wintry and will hold up after being dressed, so can be a dinner today, lunch tomorrow option. I’ll recommend Smitten Kitchen’s Apple and Cheddar Crisp salad to start (I double the amount of nuts and cheese).

      Reply ↓
    4. CityMouse*

      What about soups? My kid likes carrot soup. I roast carrots and then sweat onions, garlic , and celery in a pot and cover it with vegetable broth, some tomato paste simmer and then use my immersion blender. You can spice it a couple different ways.

      Reply ↓
    5. JR17*

      Do you have an air fryer? Two of our favorites are kale or Brussels sprouts in the air fryer. For Brussels sprouts, buy the shredded kind, toss with olive oil, garlic powder, whatever else. Put in air fryer on like 375 or so for 8 minutes, shake every few minutes, take out when it’s cooked to your preference (which might be less than 8 minutes). I like it starting to char in the edges. For kale chips, essentially the same, but tear up the kale first (and tear off the stem) and make sure it’s fully dry. Might take a little longer, you want it stiff and somewhat crispy. Don’t skimp on the olive oil.

      Reply ↓
    6. Bluebell Brenham*

      This time of year, I do a lot of roasting on a sheet pan. Brussels sprouts are great, before the last five minutes, just toss them with some balsamic vinegar mixed with honey. Roasted cabbage is surprisingly nice. Tiny grape tomatoes can be roasted, toss them with a little olive oil and several herbs, and you can serve them on rice or couscous. Sweet potatoes are excellent roasted and you can sprinkle some cumin on them for a nice southwest flavor. I also recommend smitten kitchen for lots of great vegetable recipes, and the blog love and lemons.

      Reply ↓
      1. chocolate muffins*

        I was comming here to say roasted brussels sprouts. They are delicious. I used to overcrowd the roasting pan and they were still quite good to me, but the last time I made them I spaced them out with no brussels sprouts on top of each other and they were *amazing.* I fry some bacon beforehand and drizzle the grease over the brussels sprouts before I put them in the oven, as well as crumbling the actual bacon on to the baking pan and mixing it together with the veggies, but the main point of that is to roast them in something oily so if you don’t want meat you could also use olive oil or something similar. I also squeeze an orange over top and roast the rest of the orange on the same pan.

        Reply ↓
    7. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      There are so many other things to do with carrots! Roast them, glaze them, shave them with a veggie peeler and dress them like you would a salad, or just with salt and lemon juice, etc etc etc.

      Green beans! Saute them with garlic, or soy sauce, or both, or steam them and toss with preserved lemon, or with pesto.

      Other cruciferous veggies! Roast cauliflower with spices of your choice, Brussels sprouts roasted with either hazelnuts or pancetta, sauteed kale with garlic.

      Reply ↓
    8. Survivor*

      We like roasting beets and Brussels sprouts (not at the same time). Raw carrots are good. I find cooked carrots too sweet. I love steamed green beans. I usually put olive oil on steamed veggies with a few shakes of seasoning blends. Penzey’s Revolution is really good. So is their mignonette pepper

      Reply ↓
    9. Girasol*

      If you like broccoli you’d probably like steamed cabbage, with salt and oil or butter or mayonnaise. Have you tried braising broccoli, chilling it, and then making a salad with something crunchy like celery, maybe raisins and/or sunflower seeds, and a nice dressing? Also, do you do cole slaw? That’s especially good with red cabbage and grated carrot. And if you want a new veggie, have you tried daikon, that white Japanese radish that’s as long as a child’s arm? They’re like little red radishes only without all the fuss of trimming.

      Reply ↓
    10. Zucchini you might actually like*

      I didn’t like zucchini until I cut it into “sticks,” cooked it in olive oil in a hot pan for about 15-20 mins, added a few cloves of minced garlic ( in the last 3-5 minutes so the garlic doesn’t scorch). Salt, pepper. Can sprinkle with grated Parmesan cheese when serving.

      Reply ↓
    11. Ginger Carrots*

      Ginger Carrots: cut or buy carrots in sticks. In a hot pan with olive oil, cook a thinly sliced onion for a few minutes, add 5-7 carrots cut into sticks, salt, pepper a bit of ginger powder (too much makes it bitter), then a grate a thumb sized amount of fresh ginger over the veggies. Cook everything until the veggies are caramelized & sweet. Takes 15-20 minutes

      Reply ↓
    12. the Viking Diva*

      glazed carrots – cut in the shape you like, add some water, a dollop of butter, and a tablespoon or two of maple syrup to a saute pan, and cover. Cook a few minutes (12ish? or test with a fork) to steam them, then remove the lid to finish cooking, boil off the water, and carmelize a bit. Salt and pepper to taste.
      Can also be done with miso. Google around if you want more of a recipe or to scale quantities.

      Reply ↓
    13. Alex*

      Nthing brussels sprouts–I like them roasted, or shredded (you can buy them pre-shredded) and sauteed with sliced leeks. If you aren’t familiar with leeks, just make sure you cut them in half lengthwise and rinse very well, because they can get sandy, and then slice into little half-moons. This is good with or without crumbled bacon! You can sautee them in the bacon grease or if you want something lighter just use olive oil.

      Also–cabbage. I like to cut into bite sized pieces, and the put in a big pan with a small amount of water, and then salt, pepper, and sliced of butter on top. Cook on medium, covered, stirring occasionally, until the water is mostly evaporated.

      Reply ↓
    14. Clisby*

      Green beans tossed with olive oil and garlic and roasted in the oven.

      Ditto with potatoes, carrots, and onions. And brussels sprouts, trimmed and halved.

      Do you like cole slaw? I buy the slaw mix in the grocery store, but if it comes with a dressing packet throw that away. My slaw dressing is mayonnaise (real mayonnaise, not that abomination labeled salad dressing) with lemon juice and a tiny bit of sugar added.

      Reply ↓
    15. Double A*

      I hate every salad I make myself. And then at my cousin’s house she served one of those kit salads and….it was really good. And easy! So I don’t know if you use those at all, but take a look at salad kits at the grocery store. They have everything, in the right proportions, and with more variety than I would make myself. We eat a lot more salad now.

      Reply ↓
    16. Chaordic One*

      Maybe just take a look at what’s available in the frozen food section of your supermarket and see what else there is there. They do have some interesting combinations of things that are easy to cook.

      Reply ↓
    17. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Any veg you already eat, but a different method. Roast the asparagus. Steam the broccoli with hollandaise. Stir fry 3 veggies without rice. Saute the zucchini and corn together, alone or with tomato or onion.

      Add salad dressing to any cooked vegetable (salads don’t have to have lettuce). And/or add chopped nuts. Or add cheese crumbles or grated cheese.

      I notice a lack of potatoes here. Tiny potatoes are less prep work and easy to roast or steam. Cubed, sliced, mashed, stuffed. Can also pour on hollandaise or ranch.

      Also, since you like carrots, try the Roasted and Raw Carrot Salad. You can use any salad dressing and can keep or skip the avocado. The main thing is the technique and the texture contrast of the 2 types together.

      Reply ↓
  31. Bonne chance*

    I roast veggies in a 400 degree oven with some olive oil, salt, and spices. Favorites include sweet potatoes and onions. Carrots and parnips are underrated! Beets are good too but more finicky to prep and cook. I’ll eat them with couscous or another grain, with pomogranate molasses, balsamic glaze, or another sauce drizzled on top. Adding feta or another protein makes basically any of those combos into a pretty good meal.

    On the stovetop, creamed leeks are a favorite! Keep the heat medium-low so they don’t get bitter. They’re a tasty as a side or you can thin them out and eat them over pasta like a sauce.

    Reply ↓
  32. Middle Name Jane*

    Perimenopause has dried out my skin, and my poor hands are in worse shape than usual this winter–red, cracked, etc.

    I haven’t been able to find a moisturizer that helps. My everyday regular lotion, Lubriderm, isn’t working on my hands. I’ve looked for richer products for severe dry skin, but so far they leave my hands greasy (maybe I’m using too much?).

    Any product suggestions? Would prefer something I can buy in person, but open to ordering online. Need something under $30. Thank you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Me Myself*

      I hate the feeling of greasy lotion also! I had a tube of Eucerin eczema relief body cream that a relative left behind, and I’ve been using that. I don’t have eczema, but this lotion/cream feels like it’s nicely soaking into my skin and not leaving my hands ridiculously slippery.

      We also have Lubriderm for a more basic, cheaper, moisturizer, and I hate how it kind of feels watery going on and then leaves like a slimy feeling after.

      Reply ↓
    2. Elle Woods*

      I’m a big fan of Gold Bond’s Healing Hand Cream and have used it for years on my dry hands. It doesn’t leave them feeling greasy. It’s about $4 for a 3 oz. tube.

      Reply ↓
    3. Zona the Great*

      Are you still using soap in your daily shower? Try switching to a soap-free cleanser like something from CeraVe.

      Reply ↓
    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I would try aquaphor at night. This is what I was given for healing by various doctors, and discovered on myself and then my spouse that if you have a weird little scaly or red patch (“Is this more skin cancer?”), the aquaphor is good at relieving it (“Apparently not cancer! Yay!”).

      My daughter gave me a nice cuticle balm for Xmas (I start with the cuticles and then rub over the hands) but it seems to be a small local brand. Might try Burt’s Bees lemon cuticle cream?

      Reply ↓
      1. Rara Avis*

        I second aquaphor. Sometimes I’ll put it in and then put on latex gloves so I can still touch things without making them greasy. My dad swears by Bag Balm.

        Reply ↓
      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        I got a sample of aquaphor from my derm once and it seemed the same as just vaseline, but way more expensive. So now I keep a tiny tin of vaseline nearby at all times. My cuticles especially need it in winter. Definitely greasy for a few minutes until it absorbs though.

        Reply ↓
    5. Qwerty*

      I find lotions that have colloidal oatmeal in them to be amazing for this. I have extremely dry skin and occasional bouts of eczema. Fortunately, these lotions are pretty cheap – Aveeno has a handcream with oatmeal that’s under $10 and I find the Meijer knock off version takes my hands from bleeding to healed within a few days of regular use. (For some reason I did not get the same results from the pump version of this lotion, only the hand cream bottle)

      When my hands are very bad, sometimes I’ll put a little antibiotic cream or vasoline on the worst parts (like my knuckles) overnight to encourage better healing

      Reply ↓
    6. WellRed*

      Are you sure it’s just dry skin? And some good products to look into neutrogena Norwegian formula or Okeefes. Both available at drugstores.

      Reply ↓
    7. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Aquaphor. It got me through a period where I had lizard skin as a side effect of some meds I was on. If you’re getting greasy, use less of it at a time and more often.

      Reply ↓
    8. Pam Adams*

      I’m using overnight gloves to help with winter dry skin. I use a diabetic skincare lotion and put thin cotton gloves on for a few hours to let it soak in.

      Reply ↓
    9. Harlowe*

      Peri has done my skin dirty as well. Bedtime lotion covered with an occlusive (Vaseline or similar) and cotton gloves helps; the layering aspect is more important than the individual lotion formula.

      I’ve also had luck adding an Omega-3 oral supplement.

      Reply ↓
    10. Just a name*

      O’Keefe’s working hands. It’s a small green jar that I can pick up from my local cvs pharmacy or buy online. Works great for my hand althought I do use a separate cuticle cream.

      Reply ↓
    11. The Other Dawn*

      I use Eucerin Original Healing Cream, which is in a jar and marked as “rich.” (There’s a scale of “light” to “rich” on the jar.) It’s very thick and it does take a little time to absorb, but it works very well. I find lotion does nothing for my very dry hands at all. I put it on and almost immediately it feels like I’ve applied nothing.

      Reply ↓
    12. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Vaseline! Slather it on your hands right before bed and put on gloves to keep the sheets clean (or put socks on your hands). Just a couple of nights should make a difference.
      I’ve had awful issues with dry skin on my hands every winter since I was a kid and to this day vaseline (petroleum jelly) is the only thing that really helps me once the skin starts cracking. I usually just put it on the back of my hands and knuckles, not the palms and fronts of my fingers.

      Reply ↓
    14. Jules the First*

      The only one that works for mine is L’Occitane de Provence’s hand rescue balm which is basically solid shea butter. It’s pricey, but the tiny travel tube lasts me most of a winter because of how rarely you need to put it on (I do a small blob before bed two or three days a week and it rubs in smooth and isn’t greasy after a couple of minutes)

      Reply ↓
      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Pro tip: if you want pure shea butter, find a place – even the right aisle of someplace like Target – catering to Black people’s skincare. It’ll be a fraction of the price of stuff marketed to white people.

        Reply ↓
    15. Rocky*

      CeraVe! I found it better on dry and cracked skin than Eucerin or Lubriderm or anything else. Should be easy to find but if not, you can get it online. I don’t buy their fancier stuff, the moisturizer in a pump bottle works great.

      Reply ↓
      1. Alyn*

        This is what I use, and it works great! The Daily Moisturizing Lotion is available at BJs Warehouse for a decent price if you have a membership there, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Costco also carries it as they seem to have similar inventories.

        Reply ↓
    16. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had good luck with O’Keefe’s Working Hands.

      Make a point of wearing rubber gloves when washing dishes and maybe when doing other household chores and gardening.

      When you sleep you might consider slathering up your hands with petroleum jelly and wearing cotton gloves or even just cotton socks on them.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        For gardening I have a pair of rubber gloves that’s one size bigger than what I normally use so that I can fit a pair of cotton gloves underneath.

        I no longer use soap at home, Eucerin hand wash is great and it means that my hands can tolerate soap at work etc. I use Dove moisturizing cream wash in the shower.

        Reply ↓
    17. ElastiGirl*

      I have the same problem. My dermatologist recommended Amlactin. I don’t like the smell, but I can deal with it for the results. I’m also a fan of Eucerin and Aquaphor, both of which have already been heavily recommended here. Sometimes Aquaphor is the only thing that will provide relief.

      Reply ↓
  33. Almost Academic*

    How do I find someone to do tax preparation for me, and tell that they will do a good job? I’m pretty simple, except for pre-IPO stock considerations that I vested and sold in the past year (I work in tech so have some RSUs). When I ask around, all of the friends and coworkers I have keep pointing to full financial planners who have CPAs that they then get to do the tax preparation – but I really don’t think I’m at the point that I need a financial planner yet, as my net worth is lower than what most folks will work with in my area. On the other hand, I have some friends who used local independent CPAs and they totally messed up their taxes so I have recommendations of a few folks to avoid. I’m in CA for what it’s worth.

    Reply ↓
      1. Almost Academic*

        I used turbo tax last year, but there were enough weird situations with my RSUs in reporting that I’m not convinced it got it right and I really want someone to look over it this year.

        Reply ↓
    2. Kathenus*

      I’ve used Turbo Tax for years but last year my taxes were more complicated for some reasons. I kept meaning to find someone to do them locally and life and procrastination crept in. I ended up trying Turbo Tax live – a bit more expensive than Turbo Tax but I loved it and it was really easy.

      Reply ↓
    3. Qwerty*

      It might be worth checking in with a couple of the financial planners anyways to see if you like any of them. The firm I’m working with has lower asset expectations when working with lower ages – its works well for them to have your business for 40yrs and be part of growing your net worth. They might also be willing to do a fee-based tax prep as part of getting you into the pipeline to be a full customer in the future.

      Reply ↓
    4. goddessoftransitory*

      H & R Block for us–they’ve always done a great job even with our trickier stuff. Also very reasonable prices.

      Reply ↓
    5. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I left Turbotax a few years ago and switched to Free Tax USA. I think the interface is better than TT. If you’re very concerned, they offer a paid service at the end of filing where you can have a professional look it over, which they guarantee against auditing.

      Reply ↓
  34. Mary Quite Contrary*

    First time homeowner here. I made a mortgage payment to my mortgage lender, but the loan is being transferred to another mortgage lender. They say that the previous lender will pay the current lender and you won’t be charged a late fee, but the whole thing makes me nervous. Has anyone been through this? How long does it take the previous lender to submit payment to the current lender? Should I pay just to avoid any issues? (Even if I submit 2 payments- just for a peace of mind.) Any advice is much appreciated.

    Reply ↓
    2. Trisk*

      This is very normal, and they will sort it all out. You definitely do not need to do anything, and don’t make additional payments, it just confuses things. Let them do their jobs.

      Reply ↓
    3. Harlowe*

      Absolutely normal. If the cogs do get stuck and they end up charging you a late fee (very unlikely but not completely impossible), handle things with a calm, matter-of-fact tone: “Good morning, I’m calling regarding a late fee mistakenly charged to my account on January 25th. This occurred due to the transfer of my mortgage from Bank of America to Wells Fargo, despite my account being in good standing. Who should I speak to in order to get this fee removed?”

      Reply ↓
    4. Middle Name Jane*

      Since buying my house over 10 years ago, my mortgage has transferred 3 times (most recently in 2023). It’s nerve-wracking! But it has worked out each time. I stay vigilant and keep an eye on things.

      Has your payment cleared your bank yet? If so, you’ll know your payment was received. Do you have an e-mail confirmation from your old lender acknowledging receipt of payment? Save it. Are you set up on auto pay? I would disable that for now and manually handle it until the servicing transfer is complete. Unless you’re like me and handle all payments directly. I don’t have anything set to auto pay. As soon as the new lender gives you access, I would set up an online account so you can see everything. If you haven’t already, you should get a welcome packet from the new lender with instructions, contact info, etc. Depending when in the year the transfer happens (if it’s within the same calendar year or crosses years), you may have mortgage interest tax documents from both lenders. Keep an eye out.

      Reply ↓
    5. The Other Dawn*

      As a homeowner, this has happened to me many times over my adult life- with my first mortgages and second mortgages (home equity). It’s normal. I’ve never had any issue with the payment not being made or being charged any kind of fee.

      As a banker, this is very normal. We may originate your mortgage in our (the bank’s) name; however, we will then sell it to another bank. Or we might be working with a mortgage company and although the mortgage is in our name, the mortgage company does all the work to originate and service the mortgage. It’s very often the smaller banks that do that as part of their business model because they don’t have the capacity to both originate and service a mortgage. The bank then makes a small profit off the origination fees and the act of selling it to a servicer or another mortgage company. Big banks do it, too, but I find that it’s generally the rule rather than the exception in a small community bank.

      Also as a homeowner AND a banker, please DO NOT make two payments. You run the risk of the funds being misapplied and messing up the due dates. For example, many loan systems can’t handle receiving two payments at once. The system will apply the first payment as your regular loan payment and advance the due date to February, and then a second payment at the same time is seen as paying extra for that same month so it will all be applied to principal and the due date won’t advance to April. It will stay at March and the system will bill you as usual for April and will expect a payment. If you don’t make that April payment, you’ll get late charges and then have to talk to the bank to sort it out.

      Just keep an eye on your statements to make sure everything happens as they say it will. Your previous lender will transfer the mortgage and any funds you sent as payment to the new lender. It usually takes a month or so for everything to sort out because the new lender has to set up your mortgage on their systems and validate the funds coming from the previous lender.

      Reply ↓
    6. Double A*

      This has happened to me twice and I have not had a problem with the loan payment. However, both times they did it they messed up my home insurance payments through my escrow. Even the second time when I specifically called to make sure they had both policies on file. I’m in California and even though it’s incredibly common to have fire insurance and a “wraparound” plan for everything else, they just could not seem to understand this and did not correctly set up payments for both plans. So I would call and double check any escrow payments, and then when those payments are due, call again and make sure they are scheduled. And send the new loan info to your insurance agent, if you have one, or your insurance company.

      If this happens to me again I will be cancelling escrow and just direct paying taxes and insurance, but for now it seems to be running smoothly more or less so I’m leaving it on the back burner.

      Reply ↓
      1. Middle Name Jane*

        Yes–here to second that if you have an escrow account, stay on top of the lender to make sure they pay your taxes and insurance correctly and on time. Some lenders are better about it than others. I’ve never had a late payment from my escrow account, but they’re frequently slow to get the current year’s bill. I usually call my lender’s escrow department and get instructions for how to send them the current bill.

        As an FYI, lenders can be penalized for failing to make escrow payments on time. So they have incentive to not mess it up.

        Reply ↓
    7. Falling Diphthong*

      This is (frustratingly) normal. I would expect the mortgage payment aspect to be okay, but keep an eye on the escrow account used to pay taxes and home owner’s insurance. One time our mortgage was sold just before a payment was due, which led to this whole OF COURSE OUR PROPERTY TAX HASN’T BEEN PAID, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT YOU GOOBERS.

      Our mortgage is paid off, and whenever spouse wonders about whether that was the right move I cite dealing with the incompetents at Joe’s Discount House o’ Mortgages, and that we have no control over our upstanding local bank selling the mortgage to them.

      Reply ↓
  35. Pinkpong*

    My friend Anna is in her early 40s. She dated Alan in her late teens for almost a year before breaking up*.

    She talks about Alan regularly today, at least once a month but quite often more. She compares every man to Alan to the extent she has not seen anyone romantically beyond the first date. Last week we watched a 90s romcom. When the movie ended she immediately mentioned Alan and started crying about how much he loved her.

    I have previously pointed out how unhealthy this is. Anna became extremely defensive and spent half an hour explaining all the ways in which she was Truly Fully Over Alan.

    I decided if she has an obsession about a boy she dated more than 20 years ago that’s not my business to resolve. But when she does talk about Alan, I want to convey “hey you’re talking about him again, let’s move on” in a way that doesn’t trigger another lengthy defensive response. Do you have any suggested scripts?

    *There was nothing extraordinary about this relationship or how it ended. No one died from a tragic accident, they didn’t even have sex. He broke up with her when he left to study abroad because he didn’t want to commit to a long distance relationship. They have no mutual friends and have not had contact since.

    Reply ↓
    1. 40ish*

      Maybe you could try telling her „hey, I am not the right audience for the Alan stuff. Let‘s talk about something else“. It‘s possible she will be taken aback or offended. But I have done this successfully with some friends who I generally get along with but who would regularly want validation something I just could not validate.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I have had great luck with this! Be direct but then you can redirect next time “you know I’m not the right audience for Alan stuff. Howsabout that bean dip …” or whatever – “you know how I feel about the Alan thing” is a phrase I have to say probably once an interaction with a certain friend that I also love for other reasons. It was hard the very first time, but after that it became super, super easy, and she is actually really good about the redirect. I just make it very boring for her to talk about Alan to me.

        Reply ↓
    2. RagingADHD*

      I would hazard a guess that she is more in love with the idea of being young and in love than with Alan himself. She misses who she was and the various ways that her life has gone differently than she expected, Alan has become an avatar of all that. Most likely the real Alan, if you could go back in a time machine, bears little or no resemblance to the fictional character she has built up in her mind for the last 20 years.

      I’m not sure how to derail her from talking about him, but maybe you could ask questions about other aspects of her teen life and hopes/dreams, that could possibly lead her to surface other things that are making this so potent?

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep. Alan in this case is no more “real” than a celebrity crush. He and [Famous Person] obviously *exist*, but they aren’t involved in any way in your friend’s real life. He’s a placeholder for her for her youth.

        Reply ↓
    3. HannahS*

      I’m a fan of neutral-to-pleasant acknowledgement so that she doesn’t feel invalidated, then change the subject to something in the present or future.
      Some examples:
      Her: “Karl didn’t hold the door open! Alan ALWAYS was such a gentleman…”
      You: “Oh, sure! Anyway, remind me–what does Karl do, again?”

      Her: Blah blah blah Alan’s favourite vegetable was carrots, he loved the carrot soup I made”
      You: “Oh I bet, you make such good carrot soup. Have you ever brought it to a work potluck? I bet people would go nuts for it.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Pinkpong*

        I forgot to add in my original post, I actually do not respond or engage at all when Alan comes up. I just blank out then change the topic. I don’t even do the polite script you mentioned about “oh sure!” “Oh I bet” before moving on. I just completely ignore her reference to Alan.

        She doesn’t seem to catch on and will frequently mention him. It’s not that she’s wanting validation or a place to vent…99% of the time she just talks about him like I reference my kids or work or a nice cafe that opened up the road. If she spent 10 years with this guy and only broke up two months ago it would be totally understandable to bring him up. But he hasn’t actually been a part of her life for 20 years!

        Reply ↓
        1. HannahS*

          Oh wow, I see! That changes things. I don’t know that there’s a way to convey more of a wish to move on without triggering defensiveness, to be honest. I mean, I can imagine saying, “Sorry, Anna–what does Alan have to do with this?” or “Anna, it’s been 20 years, why do we still talk about Alan?” But those would probably provoke exactly the kind of lengthy conversation you want to avoid.

          Reply ↓
        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I mean if she’s not bothered by you ignoring it and you’re willing to endure the casual mentions I’d just keep doing that. Maybe amuse yourself by imagining that Alan is something more reasonable to bring up that often, like a pet cat, or something really weird like what she decided to name the city bus that passes her house.

          If she does ask for validation that would be a good time for “I’m sorry this hurts you so much but I just don’t think I can be your go-to person for Alanfeels” and if she cries about him (!!!) or gets mad that you aren’t more supportive “I think if you’re still this upset about a high school relationship there might be something else going on, I’m worried about you” or “I’m sorry but I just can’t keep having this conversation”+leave.

          Reply ↓
          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah “honestly, the fact that you still have so much energy invested in Alan is really concerning to me, and I’m not the right audience for it. I think you would be really well served to talk to a c ounselor about this” and then after that you can more easily deflect every time she brings it up. But clearly hinting will not work. Also, honestly, someone this far gone does sound like a real concern and I’m not sure the friendship will be salvageable given what you’ve said in this comment.

            Reply ↓
    4. Ochre*

      I’m not trying to be obtuse here, but what do you actually want her to do? Are you trying to fix the “talking about Alan” problem for her sake (you think it’s unhealthy) or for yours (you think it’s boring)? Is this a problem that needs fixing and if so are you the one who needs to help fix it?

      I’m torn between “eh, we’ve all got stuff from the past that we probably bring up more than we realize” (high school sports championships, glory days of free-spirited parties, that One Terrible Thing our mother did, etc) and “her distress is palpable and my heart is breaking for her.” If it’s the former, changing the subject and moving on is probably the best for your own sanity if you don’t enjoy the churn of nostalgia. If it’s the latter, and you feel up to it, calling it out and naming it very seriously might open up a conversation.

      Reply ↓
  36. Familydrama*

    My sister has…big emotions. And it’s exhausting to say the least.

    She once turned up at my house hyperventilating with gutteral sobs. When I gave her a hug she latched onto me like she couldn’t support her own weight before staggering towards the couch and collapsing. When she managed to speak she said her boss told her off. This wasn’t like the boss screamed at her or threatened to fire her. He was mildly unreasonable and quietly criticized her performance.

    Another time she called at 2am and was sobbing so hysterically that I thought she was in a car accident. Turns out her boyfriend of 2 weeks dumped her. She spent the entire night crying and calling everyone she knew.

    I can write countless more paragraphs of similar examples where she acted like she just walked into a mass murder scene when in reality she had a fight with a friend or whatever. When I’ve tried to reason with her after she has calmed down, she feels invalidated and upset because the distress in her mind is real.

    She has access to therapy but refuses to go. So this isn’t a “what should she do” question but more “what should I do”. It’s hard not to get sucked into her drama because of how hysterical she is.

    I can’t be the only person who loves a difficult family member. Any suggestion would be appreciated.

    Reply ↓
    1. HannahS*

      Just to preface, I really don’t mean this as diagnosis or medical advice. My personal belief is that lots of people can benefit from strategies that were developed by/for people with certain diagnoses or conditions. Like, I struggle with organization and I find that some strategies developed by/recommended for people with ADHD really work for me, even though I don’t have ADHD.

      So for your sister, you might find it helpful to read books for parents or other family members of people with borderline personality disorder, whether or not your sister actually fully fits that profile. Obviously not everything will suit you, but I think there’s a lot there on how to kindly and firmly set boundaries when your family member has reactions that are bigger than what most people would have, and who are quick to feel invalidated.

      Reply ↓
      1. heckofabecca*

        Strongly agree with HannahS re: taking resources for similar situations regardless of any diagnoses/etc!

        I live with a family member with Very Big Emotions (i.e. they can be angry/rude when upset, and they handle even gentle rejections very petulantly). We have had calm discussions about it to talk about what is/isn’t okay and for me to get a better sense of what causes and/or eases their emotional outbursts. Some other things that help:

        – The classic “do you want commiseration or advice” is important with anyone, and that’s true here as well.
        – I compartmentalize emotions (real, valid) from resulting behavior. ex) Being upset about a sudden change of plans is fine, but expressing it by being aggressive or rude to me is not, even if I’m to blame.
        – If they’re upset, I do not match their upset level. I remain within the realm of calm. If I sense I’m losing my composure due to their behavior, I say, “I need to regulate/decompress/step away/etc, I’m going to my room/out/for a walk.” And then I remove myself so I can self-regulate (which can give them time to self-regulate too).
        – Something being okay once does not make it okay always. ex) I can’t always handle an hour-long conversation/vent session about something upsetting. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
        – I’m clear about what I can or can’t do when I ask things of them that might reasonably be a cause of stress or strong negative emotions. ex) “I need you to figure out XYZ, and I can’t be emotional/logistical/etc support about it.”

        It’s really hard to reason someone with big emotions out of them, so there’s a lot of staple comforting phrases that don’t work. (“I don’t think it’s that bad”/”You’ll feel better tomorrow” come to mind.) But there are ways to treat their feelings with grace while setting boundaries, offering advice, and staying sane. Best of luck.

        Reply ↓
      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        It’s funny you say that, because I thought of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The rejections she’s experiencing would be small to most people, but they feel monumental to her. It’s not kind to say she’s pretending or treat her like a child having a tantrum. Some people don’t have good coping mechanisms for their emotions and get overwhelmed.

        Familydrama, you said, “When I’ve tried to reason with her after she has calmed down, she feels invalidated and upset because the distress in her mind is real.” <–So start validating her. Literally say, "I hear how upset you are." Because this reads as though you are trying to explain her out of her feelings. But her feelings *are* real and they are valid even though they are bigger than what the average person would feel. When you try to explain how wrong she is, *you* are perpetuating the drama too, because you know this will be more upsetting and she will push back on you, but you do it anyway.

        So don't explain how she's wrong to have them. Don't tell yourself how dramatic she is. Try to be sympathetic. You might even ask why she is so upset and then listen to her answer without judging her and thinking how over the top she is. I think the sooner you move into validation and listening, the sooner she will calm down.

        Reply ↓
        1. Familydrama*

          I tend to do this and believe it’s a good response at times; and other times I don’t know if it’s appropriate. When she was screaming and sobbing about her mildly unpleasant boss, I validated her feelings and supported her quitting immediately. When I look back I wish I gently told her that having a not awesome boss is a common experience; that if this is her threshold for quitting she will be miserable in every job.

          I don’t know if validation is useful in every situation where the reaction is disproportionately large to the situation. But thank you for your input, I do see where you’re coming from.

          Reply ↓
        2. Abigail*

          I think this is really good advice on paper.

          I would just like to say it’s really hard to apply in real life. Your comment feels a bit shaming, like “since these emotions feel real to her, a decent person would validate them.” Sometimes people don’t have the energy for infinity validation.

          It is possible her sister has RSD and the OP cannot provide validation without risking their own mental health or peace.

          Reply ↓
      3. Familydrama*

        Thank you, I will look into this! She was assessed for bipolar and she does not have it. But I can see how books on this topic can help with general traits that align with BPD.

        Reply ↓
    2. Dark Macadamia*

      What happens when she’s getting hysterical? It sounds like you might be really responsive in the moment (because it seems like a real crisis) and continue being supportive after, and only have the “don’t you think that was an extreme reaction” conversation later. Could you just…. not do that?

      She shows up sobbing and collapses on your couch. You show genuine concern. She reveals her boss gave her slightly negative feedback. “….oh. That’s frustrating but it’s totally reasonable for a boss to expect an employee to fix their mistakes.” or if you’re feeling snarky “…oh. So you’re not dying a horrible painful death right now? Everyone messes up at work sometimes wtf.” Just be really unsatisfying and reasonable/calm so she doesn’t get the drama or sympathy she seems to be looking for. In this scenario storming out because you’re “unsupportive” is a good outcome!

      Silence your phone at night or at least mute her number (maybe always mute her???). If it’s a real emergency someone else will contact you. If you wake up to a thousand angry texts and sobbing voicemails about a 2 week breakup you can just text like “aw I’m sorry, he seemed nice :( hope you’re doing better today” or whatever.

      It’s probably best to NOT try to have the therapy/debrief type conversations anymore but if you ever do get into “but you’re invalidating my feelings, it’s real to me!!!” that’s a good opening to be like “I know, that’s why I’m worried. It seems like you are really struggling to manage your feelings and that’s why I think it would be helpful to reflect on what’s going on… maybe with a therapist….”

      Maybe she’s really experiencing huge huge crisis level emotions over every setback, or maybe she’s being dramatic on purpose. Either way, the answer is to communicate 1) it’s not normal and 2) it’s not your responsibility.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I think I somewhat disagree with this advice, not to say you’re wrong. My first step would be to disconnect my emotions from hers. If she’s panicky and upset, that’s real, but it in no way means *you* need to be panicky and upset, because after all you are fully aware now that she’s Like This. However, I would not do snark / criticism personally – I’ve been that person who is unreasonably upset and it would just make me waaay worse. I also wouldn’t jump to assuming she’s being manipulative although OP knows their sister best. I would aim to be calm, kind bulwark type person, assuming you do love your sister while also being aware her emotions are misaligned sometimes. “Let’s not talk while you’re upset. Do you want to just chill on the couch a while and veg out?” or “why don’t you go lie down and take a nap, we can talk later” or “why don’t you sit for a minute and I’ll get you a glass of water and something to eat” are all kind, actionable, helpful things that can also ensure YOU stay calm and maintain boundaries around the support you’re willing and able to offer. If she escalates to screaming or something, then I’d be the “I can see you’re upset but I can’t help when you’re screaming at me. Maybe we should try again later” person.

        Reply ↓
    3. goddessoftransitory*

      This might be a boy who cried wolf scenario.

      At this point, you can’t play the game of “but THIS time it might be serious,” because A) for her it IS serious and B) it plays into the emotional drain she’s doing. She’s shown that until stated otherwise, whatever she’s hysterical about may be upsetting or sad, but not a DROP EVERYTHING five alarm emergency.

      When she calls or comes over all in a flopping hurricane of tears and wailing, stay calm. Ask her what is wrong and give her one chance to pull herself together and tell you. If she keeps it up (and it may take a few minutes through sheer practice/momentum to settle):

      If she’s on the phone say “I’m sorry you’re upset but you need to calm down and call me back tomorrow/in the morning–any time that isn’t two am–and let me know what’s going on.” Then hang up and block her. If she comes over, same thing. Sit her down, tell her to take a deep breath and give her one chance to explain briefly what’s going on. If she can’t/won’t, tell her to call for a ride or she can sleep quietly on the couch, but you are going to bed.

      You have to cut off the source of emotional nourishment she’s getting from these performances. You’ll feel horrible (she’ll make sure of that.) But this has been going on for years and clearly she isn’t going to change.

      Reply ↓
      1. Not A Manager*

        I was coming to say something similar. There’s (a) her feelings, which are real and valid and (b) the actual situation, which is not an emergency. Just because her feelings are real and valid doesn’t mean you have to manage them whenever she’s having them.

        When she intrudes on you at an inopportune time, you can validate her feelings AND protect your boundaries, just like goddessoftransitory said. “I’m sorry this happened, I hear how upset you are, I cannot help you with this now but I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” “This sounds very distressing. I can chat with you about it for a few minutes but then I’ll need to say goodbye.”

        If you can, try to give her lots of attention and positive interactions outside of these meltdowns. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but everyone wants to feel loved and valued. Captain Awkward is a good resource for setting boundaries without burning down the whole relationship.

        Reply ↓
        1. Familydrama*

          I absolutely appreciate your first paragraph, Not A Manager. I have no doubt her feelings are real and valid to her. She isn’t faking or exaggerating for attention. But they are disproportionate to the actual situation and does not actually constitute an emergency.

          Thank you for the helpful scripts.

          Reply ↓
    4. The undramatic friend*

      I have a family member and a friend who have Big Emotions and are highly reactive. I think they call me because I am generally calm and rational. However, I have found it more effective to try and match their level of emotion at first, which is hard because my natural response to drama is to get cooler and less emotional. But when my initial response is “Oh my god that’s terrible! You must be freaking out right now!” they sometimes respond by telling me that they are fine and can handle it.
      My other strategy is to remember that their high level of emotion also means they can be more fun than I am, for instance if someone has good news I will say, “That’s great!” whereas my friend will scream and ask a bunch of excited questions and maybe be more thrilled than the person. with the good news. I think that most people’s best traits are also their worst traits, it just depends on the situation.

      Reply ↓
  37. Past Lurker*

    WoodswomanWrites started a wildlife sighting thread but it got added as a reply to an unrelated comment. Do you have any wildlife sightings to share?

    Reply ↓
    1. Past Lurker*

      WoodswomanWrites*
      January 25, 2025 at 2:13 am
      Wildlife thread—what critter encounters have you had?

      On one of my winter birding haunts, I spotted a great horned owl sitting on eggs in her nest. She was relaxed with her eyes closed and her horn feathers drooping sideways. Then I located the male, perched on guard some distance away in the open, no doubt to draw attention from his camouflaged mate at ther nest. I wish I could follow their young’s journey, but it’s far enough away that getting there requires an overnight stay.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Saw some cute starlings! Their feathers were a little puffed up because it’s cold out.

        Reply ↓
    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Coyotes are very active around here right now. So are our foxes.
      SO SO many deer.
      Hearing owls at night and seeing red tailed hawks during the day
      And I did see a few bluebirds in the yard the other day. Yay!

      Reply ↓
    3. Geriatric Rocker*

      There’s a flock of Calyptorhincus banskii nasos (aka red-tailed black cockatoos or nasos to their friends, native to West Aust) in the Jacaranda tree (not native to West Aust) outside my back door. They are very loud and like to yell at each other.

      I can also hear a couple of willy wag-tails chittering away.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        Red tailed black cockatoos are gorgeous, congratulations on spotting them!

        I’m over in Melbourne and I see the yellow tailed black cockatoos every now and then when the rain fronts roll in, and of course the sulphur crested cockies are around having a great time causing problems on purpose… And it’s currently Screaming Corella Season with the hot weather…

        Reply ↓
  38. Dragons and Elves and Fairies, oh my!*

    Hive mind, please help me identify this fantasy series I read years ago. I recall that there were many books. it focused on a Mötley group of misfits who were also trying to do good. There were many types of fantasy creatures, such as elves, trolls, and the like. One of the main characters was a male half-elf. They would go to a tavern where they would eat the proprietor’s spiced potatoes. There were small troll or goblin like creatures that were good but very dumb, and when they were asked to count anything, they would answer, “Two. No more than two.” Anybody? I want to read it again, but I can’t remember what it’s called!

    Reply ↓
      1. hummingbird*

        Yup, Dragonlance. Dragons of Autumn Twilight, Dragons of Winter Night and Dragons of Spring Dawning are the first trilogy.

        They were gully dwarves that weren’t good at counting.

        Reply ↓
    2. Alyn*

      Doesn’t sound familiar to me but if you find out, please report back because it sounds right up my alley! If you use reddit at all, you can try asking on r/whatsthatbook or r/Fantasy for a larger hive mind.

      Reply ↓
  39. Blooper*

    Flatbread ideas! I love non-recipe “recipes” and one of my go-to ones is a small pizza using naan where I just heat it on the stove-top to warm up the pizza sauce + protein + veggies + cheese. Does anyone have any suggestions on what else I can do? Bonus points for non-recipes that don’t involve cheese. Thank you!

    Reply ↓
    1. HannahS*

      A relative used to make lahmajoun, kind of a flatbread with spiced meat baked on it. I think it’s common to many middle eastern and central asian countries by many names and flavour profiles. I would probably use a tortilla or naan, mix raw ground beef with onion and garlic and whatever herb/spice mix tickles my fancy, spread the meat on one side of the flatbread, then either bake in a very hot oven or cook face-down on a frying pan.

      Reply ↓
    2. Reba*

      EVOO or butter + zaatar, dollop with yogurt. Or the spice blend of your choice!

      Chopped tomato or jarred red pepper bruschetta topping + balsamic vinegar.

      Reply ↓
    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I would toast it on one side, then flip and top while toasting the second side. Not clear if you’re heating both sides for max toasty goodness.

      White pizza style? Spread with olive oil, sprinkle garlic, top with veg, herbs, chopped olives, whatever.

      Any type of spread/condiment. Baba ghanouj, chermoula, muhammara, romesco sauce, salsa verde (all 3 types), chimichurri, toum, tahini. Top with anything except cheese or eat as is. ;-)

      Reply ↓
  40. Anonymous Cat*

    I also have a security question but for using contactless cards.

    I was slow to switch from inserting a debit card to using the tap option on ATMs, but I was reading a warning about skimmers on ATMs and it occurred to me that it might be harder to steal card info by tapping because the card is never IN the machine—or in a skimmer that I don’t notice.

    Does anyone know if this is true? Is tapping safer?

    Reply ↓
    1. Lifelong student*

      ok- I havee been around for a long time. I remember eons ago when I worked retail and people actually looked at the back of the card to see if the signatures matched! That is long gone. Then there was the inserting and now the tapping! No human review! The only way to protect yourself that I know of is to get an email every time your card is used with a really low amount to generate the email.

      Reply ↓
      1. Enough*

        And the ones that said ask for ID instead of a signature. And I had to explain to more than one person that not signing the card was not a way to avoid fraud.
        And I get texts every time my cards are used. I have them set for $1

        Reply ↓
  41. Laptop protection plan?*

    Please give me your opinions as to whether I should purchase a 3-year protection plan for the Asus Zenbook laptop that I’m about to buy from Walmart. My current laptop is failing and will probably die soon, so I can’t put off buying a new one and in fact I’d like to buy it this weekend. The laptop costs $800, and the protection plan costs $90 on top of that. I never have figured out if this is a good bet to make or not. What do you think?

    Reply ↓
    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Usually not. There is some sort of warranty already.

      Did you need protection with your current laptop? If not, why do you think you need it now?

      Could you afford to buy another one for $800 in a year if this one dies? I would read the reviews to see if anyone has problems just after the warranty runs out or just after a year or whatever.

      Reply ↓
    3. Chaordic One*

      “No” to the protection plan, but back up any files that would be hard to replace if something happened to your laptop. Maybe on the cloud or on an external drive.

      Reply ↓
    4. Roland*

      My general philosophy is that if it was a good bet, the insurance providers wouldn’t take it. Only get insurance when your risk is higher (you are clumsy or will often take it somewhere it might get stolen if those are covered), or if you can afford the insurance but couldn’t afford a loss without it.

      Reply ↓
  42. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread—what critter encounters have you had?

    On one of my winter birding haunts, I spotted a great horned owl sitting on eggs in her nest. She was relaxed with her eyes closed and her horn feathers drooping sideways. Then I located the male, perched on guard some distance away in the open, no doubt to draw attention from his camouflaged mate at ther nest. I wish I could follow their young’s journey, but it’s far enough away that getting there requires an overnight stay.

    Reply ↓
    1. Vanessa*

      Ooh. What a great opportunity!
      I recently (and belatedly-probably came out 10 years ago) watched the big year. It’s about intensive (competitive) birding. It was really delightful and has inspired more casual birding in our household. It’s interesting to think of the number/range of birds you see regularly.

      Reply ↓
    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Ah, I see that Past Lurker posted my original misplaced thread above. So now it’s in three places. Sheesh. I’ll be more careful about posting going forward.

      Reply ↓
  43. Not your typical admin*

    Anyone done keto? Considering trying it, but wanted to hear how it went from people who have tried it.

    Reply ↓
  44. Aphrodite*

    I want to make homemade pizzas on occasion but I do not care for tomato-based pizza sauce. And I am definitely not a fan of Alfredo sauce whch I find really gross, or barbecue sauce which is disgustingly sweet. Do you have ideas for other types of sauces? The pizzas would probably be mostly chicken and vegetables but I am open to many things that do not include pepperoni and other cured meats like that.

    Reply ↓
  45. Elizabeth West*

    Hints for easing into a Mediterranean-ish healthy eating plan?

    I’m trying to phase out ultra-processed foods to go into the current hellscape in better health overall. But I have a hard time with meal planning, and I get put off by complicated foods, plus I’m often too tired to cook even on weekends. I need to be able to take lunch to work three days a week (assuming the death of the infrastructure bill doesn’t affect my job). So I need simple stuff that’s easy to fix with decent leftovers, I guess.

    I like chicken, brown rice, spinach, and tomatoes, but I hate mushrooms and I’m unable to eat broccoli. I recently discovered collard greens and I love those too — they’re really good sauteed in olive oil with chili crisp. No pork and I’m trying to cut way back on beef. I can’t microwave fish at work (!!!) but I do like it, though tuna is eh. Finding enough protein is where I struggle the most.

    Any tips on phasing good stuff in? Recipes? Meal planning suggestions? Thanks in advance!

    Reply ↓

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