{ 1,057 comments… read them below or add one }

    2. Always Tired*

      I kissed my dumb little cat on his stupid little forehead when I got home from the new years party and he started purring with a big lipstick smooch on his empty brain case.

      Reply ↓
        1. Always Tired*

          He’s lucky he’s cute, as there are zero thoughts in that head. Not sure how he made it as an outdoor cat for about 5 years, but I guess he donated his braincells to orange cats once he came inside. He is my sweet, cuddly himbo.

          Reply ↓
          1. :)*

            Awww <3 (my boy is also very cute and in possession of zero brain cells! He would not make it outdoors either, not that he’s ever tried, as he doesn’t understand how doors work no matter how much we try to show him :)

            Reply ↓
          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Haha, our sweet-as-pie-dumb-as-rocks had an enucleation due to repeated eye infections nine years ago and what I learned is that cats clearly store their brains in their left eyeballs, because she ain’t got a shred of it left.

            Reply ↓
    3. Sparkly Librarian*

      My little one attempting to sing along with the Hanukkah blessings. I definitely caught “Elohenu… [some approximation of] Cha-nu-kah… Jalapeno.”

      Reply ↓
    7. Seashell*

      My young adult kid made it to the airport on time and landed safely after taking their first plane trip without a family member.

      Reply ↓
    10. Bike Walk Barb*

      Walking in the big wooded park near me on New Year’s Day.
      Seeing the sliver of moon in the sky tonight with Venus very bright nearby.
      Crackers made with sourdough starter eaten with some Cougar Gold cheese (amazing white cheddar–so good!–you can order it online from my alma mater, Washington State University, and yes you should) and little spoonfuls of a prickly pear hot pepper jelly from a Buy Nothing friend.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I love reading them too! And if I’m ever running late, you can totally post this thread yourself. : )

        Reply ↓
    13. Six Feldspar*

      It’s scorching hot today so I’ve been at the local shopping centre to take advantage of the aircon and to, ahem, support the local economy. I was mainly there for the aircon but it was actually quite peaceful, very quiet for a Saturday when it’s normally packed. I got to wander around in the coolth *and* had great luck with shopping for several hours!

      Reply ↓
      1. Tau*

        Congratulations!! I have a baby nephew where we’re waiting for this milestone (he can stand well and stands a lot to reach things and look at them, but doesn’t seem to have made the connection to using this whole two-footed stance for active locomotion yet) so I can imagine how exciting it is. :)

        Reply ↓
    17. Falling Diphthong*

      Husband came home early on New Year’s Eve (the one spot of sunny and 50° around) and we went for a ride on the e-bikes we gave each other for Christmas. This is in fact going to expand my ability to do things, since in boost mode it will basically push me home.

      Reply ↓
    18. Hotdog not dog*

      Bought myself a yarn swift and winder, now I can use the gorgeous hand dyed hanks of yarn given to me by a fellow fiber artist without needing to bribe my spouse or kid to hold the yarn for me while I wind it!

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        WOOP! (I got mine as a gift twenty years ago from a spouse who was tired of holding yarn for me :) )

        Reply ↓
    22. Elizabeth West*

      I went to see Nosferatu at Alamo Drafthouse on New Years Day and I LOVED IT. I’m a big fan of Bill Skarsgård and Nicholas Hoult, so I knew I’d probably want to see it, but even though I was cautiously optimistic, I didn’t really expect it to be as good as it was.

      Decades of horror fandom means I don’t really get scared anymore, but holy mackerel, was this a creepy and suspenseful movie. The period detail was spot-on in costume, language, etc. — no modern updating. The cast was excellent, the story was absorbing and well-paced, and the music was good too. I highly, HIGHLY recommend seeing it at the cinema for full immersion and to appreciate the cinematography.

      No notes. I think I might have a new favorite horror film!

      Reply ↓
      1. GoryDetails*

        I definitely want to see Nosferatu! (Also loved Nicholas Hoult in “Renfield,” though that’s a very different type of movie {grin}.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Elizabeth West*

          Go to the theater! It’s definitely a theater movie, at least the first time you see it. The cinematography is worth it.

          I adore Nicholas Hoult. Renfield was a blast — most terrible boss ever, haha. And he was so exasperatingly hilarious as Peter in The Great. “Everybody loves me!” :’D

          Reply ↓
      2. Angstrom*

        I saw it last week and didn’t like it. Visually appealing, but it felt like all the drama was turned up to 11. It was all In Your Face Now! I’m probably biased because I just reread Dracula and part of the appeal is the slow build.

        Reply ↓
    23. GoryDetails*

      Got a holiday parcel from my sister and family. I’d had to cancel a planned visit down to their house due to still-unresolved health issues, so it was nice to have a little touch of togetherness show up on my doorstep. (That it contained catnip toys for the cats and yummy treats for me AND some lovely new books didn’t hurt.)

      Reply ↓
    24. Elle Woods*

      I did some major decluttering this weekend and brought seven bags of stuff to the thrift store. I feel lighter–literally and figuratively!

      Reply ↓
    25. Irina*

      My spouse proposed ordering sushi instead of cooking the things that could wait for the next day because she knew I’d been craving that for weeks. (And very good it was, too)

      Reply ↓
    26. WoodswomanWrites*

      This week the joy is reading this thread. It’s a helpful reminder to surface gratitude in my life.
      Thank you Squirrel Nutkin and others for keeping the joys thread going!

      Laura H, if you’re still reading Ask a Manager, thank you for creating the original joys thread back in 2021. I hope you see what an impact you’re continuing to have for so many people.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes, a huge thank you to Laura H. — the joys thread was such a lovely idea of yours!

        Reply ↓
      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        My biggest joy here is the reading thread(s)! Thank you Jackalope and other posters of those threads for opening our horizons on new books to check out! : )

        Reply ↓
    27. Rosey*

      As I commented below on the ask for podcast recs, an old favourite podcast of mine that’s been defunct for a few years is back! The podcast is Answer Me This, if anyone else is a fan? I checked it by chance because of the ask below. So happy!

      Reply ↓
    28. Jay*

      Visiting my folks for Christmas and spending some quality time with them.
      My mother and I were able to have a nice visit with my 95 year old aunt (and her adorable cats) for the first time in over a decade.
      On our way home, we found Cajun specialty store (my folks, whom I was visiting, live no where near Cajun Country, so this was a real surprise) and I picked up some of my favorites.

      Reply ↓
    29. dapfloodle*

      Back to yoga class after a small hiatus — though I do a sun salutation in the morning more often than not… noticed that after practicing since 2008, my heels are finally getting closer to the floor in downward dog!

      Reply ↓
  2. Always Tired*

    I want your YA fantasy book recs. I got into a slump and want to get back to reading, and wish to start with the chicken nuggies of the book world before I hit the roast brussels sprouts (Emily Wilson’s translation of the Odyssey).

    Favorites of mine: Anything by Tamora Pierce, and the Abhorsen books by Garth Nix.

    Reply ↓
    1. AcademiaNut*

      The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner. It’s fantastic, and a complete series. Secondary world, strongly modelled after Ancient Greek culture.

      The Akata trilogy by Nnedi Okorafor (modern day hidden magic, set in Africa).

      Various stuff by Patricia Wrede – Frontier Magic, the Cecelia and Kate books (written with Caroline Stevemer) and the two Mairelon books. They’re alternate Earth with magic, the first is a frontier US, the second two Regency England.

      Rachel Hartman’s Seraphina and Tess books (two sets of two, Tess comes after Seraphina). Really interesting secodnary world, the Tess books in particular are fantastic.

      An older series that’s still in progress is Diane Duane’s Young Wizards. The first books pre-date Harry Potter, and follow a couple of adolescents who become wizards after finding a manual. The books are unusual in that they explore things like “how to tell your parents you’re a wizard” and keep family relationships as a major part.

      Reply ↓
      1. AcademiaNut*

        Oh, and Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle, and her Chrestomanci series. They skew more juvenile than YA by modern classification, but are both excellent.

        And a good standalone: The Floating Islands by Rachel Neumeier. Also T. Kingfishers’ more YA/juvenile stuff (A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking, Briony and Roses, etc.), as well as Robin McKinley’s stuff. And Gallant by V.E. Schwab.

        Reply ↓
        1. SarahKay*

          Strong second to Diana Wynne Jones; Howl’s Moving Castle is one of my favourite re-reads and the Chrestomanci series is also excellent.

          Reply ↓
        2. Rosey*

          Seconding/thirding Diana Wynne Jones and Diane Duane!

          Also, The House with a Clock in its Walls by John Bellairs. It’s a spooky magical mystery.

          Reply ↓
      2. Potatohead*

        Speaking of Young Wizards, has there been any news about the next actual book that you are aware of? Last mention I can find of #11 is from 2021, and no activity at all on the official site for almost 2 years.

        Reply ↓
      3. Banana Pyjamas*

        On Cecilia and Kate: I love “The Enchanted Chocolate Pot”. I read it ages ago, and it’s absolute charm lives in my head rent free.

        Reply ↓
        1. lilybeth*

          Seconding that rec, and honestly anything by Patricia Wrede. I reread her Enchanted Forest Chronicles over the summer, and y’know what? most of it really holds up.

          Reply ↓
    2. Dita*

      Have you read Kristin Cashore’s Graceling series or Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle? Nothing beats the Tamora Pierce I loved as a teen, but those two have come closest for me!

      Reply ↓
      1. Karriegrace*

        I love the Graceling books. They’re kinda weird and dark for YA stories tbh but consistently interesting.

        Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I loved Diana Wynne-Jones’ Dalemark Quartet at the same time I was really into Tamora Pierce (still love both).

      Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Mayer – these are more sci-fi leaning but based on fairy tales. Cinderella is a cyborg, Rapunzel lives in a space station, etc. It’s the silliest premise but really solid series with a cute ensemble cast. I don’t think I’ve read any other book as an adult that made me feel more like a teen (in a good way).

      East by Edith Pattou (and if you enjoy it, the sequel West).

      Katherine Arden’s Winternight trilogy is marketed to adults but feels YA to me (again, in a good way – young girl protagonist, not too graphic in terms of romance or violence).

      Reply ↓
    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m also a Tamora Pierce fan, and know and love many of these recommendations. Have you read The Dark Is Rising series by Susan Cooper? (First book in the series has that title, and I liked it best, but they can be read in varying order — rather like the Narnia books.) I’ve also recently become acquainted with Naomi Novik’s works (A Deadly Education, Spinning Silver) and would recommend.

      Reply ↓
      2. TomfoolofaTook*

        Naomi Novik is great! A Deadly Education had me totally absorbed; I devoured it. Kristin Cashore has written, besides the excellent Graceling books, two stand-alones that I love, “Jane, Unlimited” and “There is a Door in this Darkness.”

        Reply ↓
      3. Workerbee*

        It’s a quintet – the first book is not the one with the series title:
        Book 1: Over Sea, Under Stone (1965)
        Book 2: The Dark is Rising (1973)
        Book 3: The Greenwitch (1974)
        Book 4: The Grey Death (1975)
        Book 5: Silver on the Tree (1977)

        Reply ↓
      4. Three from the circle*

        First book is actually Over Sea Under Stone, though it doesn’t feature Will and it’s not as obviously fantasy as the others (I think Susan Cooper wrote it for an adventure story contest or something like that).

        Love these books so much!

        Reply ↓
    5. HannahS*

      Innkeeper series by Ilona Andrews. It’s become a comfort read for me. Generally, Ilona Andrews can get quite dark and gory, but Innkeeper is much lighter.

      Amanda Bouchet is…fine? The Kingmaker series is set in a fantasy version of ancient Greece which is a fun change. But it’s a bit melodramatic to me with an (IMO) unappealing central romance (very alpha male aggressive.)

      Dealing with Dragons and its sequels by Patricia C Wrede are utterly lovely.

      Naomi Novik is pretty good, too .

      Reply ↓
      1. RedinSC*

        Oh, the Innkeeper Chronicles are also done as a dramatized audio book, and I thoroughly enjoyed them that way! My library has them through Libby and they’re on Audible.

        Reply ↓
    6. Charlotte Lucas*

      Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books.

      I’ve just read the first of Jasper Fforde’s Dragonslayer series, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnReAr*

        Fforde’s Dragon Slayer is what I was immediately going to recommend. It finally got the last book a couple years ago and I haven’t read that yet (I’m the type of person who delays ending media series because I’m not ready to be done) but I’ve adored the others and know I’ll feel the same when I get to it.

        It’s a modem fantasy, but in a really different way than usual– similar to Pixar’s Onward (first book released a few years before the movie, it’s not derivative). Magic still exists everywhere and it’s an alternate universe where trolls and dragons and such exist so there’s some differences in history (it’s set in the Un-United Kingdoms). As electricity was invented and stuff it was cheaper and easier than paying a magic user to do the thing. But they’re still useful and can be a status symbol so magic users have a somewhat viable job market, but it’s almost all gig work. In addition, magic overall waned as the centuries went by. It’s apparently a nonrenewable resource.

        Anyway, the main character is a teenage girl who is extremely mature beyond her years (thanks to being an orphan in a capitalist society where maturity tests are actually the deciding factor in whether you can apply to a driver’s license– some magic users are too eccentric to be trusted with a car no matter their age). She runs a business that arranges work for magic users– food delivery for the magic carpet pilot, business consultancy for the clairvoyant, etc. The business is in an old apartment building, so it’s also the home of most of her employees and herself. It’s also somewhat of a retirement home for the employees when they get too old to work anymore and reliably use magic. The founder was passionate about making sure his friends and found family would be taken care of. He’s been missing for a while due to magic shenanigans, so she’s been running everything solo. It was easier before she became a celebrity by suddenly being identified as the prophesized Last Dragonslayer.

        Reply ↓
    7. Mitchell Hundred*

      If you’re okay with graphic novels, Faith Erin Hicks’ Nameless City trilogy is excellent. It’s about two kids who get swept up in the politics surrounding the strategically important city they live in. Very explicitly anti-war/violence/imperialism.

      Reply ↓
      1. Freddy*

        I just read How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying (Django Wexler) and it was a goddamn delight. Incredibly sarcastic (my son’s favorite), funny, and fun. Also if you ask for fantasy recommendations I will shout “T. KINGFISHER” from the hills, but in the YA realm my favorite is A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking (featuring a carnivorous sourdough starter named Bob who contributes to saving the day).

        2 more recommendations that are probably just barely not YA, but have the same spirit: Starter Villain (John Scalzi) and Lady Eve’s Last Con (Rebecca Fraimov). I glommed them during this holiday break and loved them both.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          I *just* downloaded Starter Villain as I started scrolling this list and getting books I had on hold while I add more to my TBR list. Requested it thanks to earlier recommendations and looking forward to it.

          Props for Wizard’s Guide for sure–such a delight as are all the T. Kingfisher books. Just don’t slip into books under her other name, Ursula Vernon, unless you like horror. *Not* pre-brussel sprout-YA.

          Reply ↓
          1. SarahKay*

            Ummm…I don’t know if it’s different here in the UK, but here the Ursula Vernon books are for slightly younger readers, while the horror stories are published under her T. Kingfisher name – so check the synopsis before you buy.

            I can actually recommend the ‘Hamster Princess’ and ‘Castle Hangnail’ books under the Ursula Vernon name; they’re light and very funny and definitely qualify as pre-brussels sprouts. (Although, I confess I adore brussels sprouts.)

            Reply ↓
        2. GoryDetails*

          Re T. Kingfisher: seconding “Wizard’s Guide,” and adding a word for the lesser-known but entertaining Minor Mage: This one’s a lot of fun, with a mix of humor, horror, a young hero’s quest, comradeship, peril – and a snarky armadillo. Young Oliver, age 12, is the very minor mage, with his spells limited to the ability to control his allergy to armadillo dander (useful, as his familiar is an armadillo), to tie shoelaces together (a Chekhov’s Spell; don’t forget that one), and a “push” spell that’s more or less a remote shove. (He’s also really, really good with growing things – herbal remedies, getting plants to behave, etc. He doesn’t consider that actual magic, though.) Yet in the face of a devastating drought, he’s tasked by the villagers with setting off to the mountains to get the Cloud Herders to bring rain… Too bad he has no idea how to go about this!

          Reply ↓
    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Princess Academy by Shannon Hale.

      On the darker and somewhat less magical side, The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan, which deals with suicide and mental health in *almost* our modern world.

      The Ranger’s Apprentice series by John Flanagan.

      And I have to go back for some older classics that *I* read as YA whether or not they were intended that way:
      Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. LeGuin,
      Deryni Rising by Katherine Kurtz, and
      Thomas the Rhymer by Ellen Kushner

      Reply ↓
      1. Josame*

        Seconding Princess Academy and Ranger’s Apprentice. Flanagan’s Brotherband Chronicles are set in the same world and very good.

        Reply ↓
    9. Tradd*

      Harper Hall Triology by Anne MCCaffrey, part of the Dragonriders of Pern series.

      Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar series is very much YA in spots. The first triology (Arrows of the Queen, Arrow’s Flight, Arrow’s Fall) is very much a comfort read for me.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        The Harper Hall trilogy reads as fantasy, the other Pern books much less so. The dragons were genetically engineered by the original colonists, and Anne McCaffrey deeply resented anyone who said her books were fantasy simply because they featured dragons. That said, they’re hardly hard sci-fi either.

        Most of the Pern books are thinly disguised bodice ripper romances that have aged rather badly. She was originally hailed as a pioneer for featuring gays as something other than social outcasts and for explicitly writing about them at all, but in fact her views on gender and sexuality were otherwise very conservative. And she completely ignored the existence of lesbians, although to be fair, women on Pern have little say in who they’re married off to regardless.

        Reply ↓
        1. Dog momma*

          I read all her books yrs ago. But as you got to the end of the series, quality seemed to drop off. They seemed to be fairly good otherwise

          Reply ↓
          1. allathian*

            Yes, her health deteriorated and that probably affected her writing. Her editors were also far too sloppy and the books are full of continuity errors and inconsistencies (or “Anne-consistencies” as her fans say).

            To be fair, most people read her books for the world building and the interesting and credible, if occasionally stereotypical characters rather than consistency between books.

            That said, she’s far from the only author whose books deteriorated in quality as they aged, I can think of at least Agatha Christie and Sue Grafton.

            I used to be a huge fan, and her official fan forum was the first place I hung out regularly online, and I was a mod there for several years. One of my treasures is a signed copy of A Gift of Dragons, which all the mods and admins got as a thank you when it was published.

            Reply ↓
        2. Dark Macadamia*

          My fifth grade class read Dragonsong (like, we all had copies of the book and followed along with an audio recording of it) and I got the rest of the trilogy and reread it many times because I LOVED it. The one time I tried a dragonriders book it was so different, I was really disappointed.

          Reply ↓
        3. JSPA*

          I have original and newer editions of some of her books, and interestingly, the social commentary has been edited over the years. Going “between” was originally mentioned (in neutral to approving terms) as part of how a queen rider managed their fertility; in later books and later editions, it’s only the bad women who’d do such a thing. Outside of Pern, there used to be non-carcinogenic cigarettes in the Tower-and-Hive universe.

          One thing I have not seen addressed (though it may well have been) is that there’s an older (1950’s?) fairly forgotten story by another author that contains a startlingly large number of the elements (characters, plot lines) of the Pegasus stories (to the point that I wondered if she’d penned an early draft under a male pseudonym). Anyone else stumbled upon this? I think it was in one of those magazine / books that have one novella that you read from the front, then flip over and read the other from the back?

          Reply ↓
          1. allathian*

            Get Off The Unicorn contains two Talent stories, The Lady In The Tower contains the sequence where The Rowan and Jeff Raven meet. In the scene Afra blames the cuigarette he’s smoking for tearing up. In the novel, the tears were blamed on a cake. The second story describes how Damia and Afra fought the alien entity Sodan and subsequently fell in love.

            The original Talent stories predate Pern by about a decade, the short stories were written in the 50s.

            The Talent books are my favorites by Anne McCaffrey, but I must admit I’m not a fan of the Afra-Damia romance, the age difference’s simply too large, he’s a friend of her parents and saw her birth, babysat her and her siblings, etc. Sure, Damia’s the stronger Talent but I don’t think that’s enough to compensate for the age difference.

            Reply ↓
    12. Glitching Robot*

      The YA fantasy book that changed my life as a teen was Blood And Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause. It’s about a werewolf girl who wants to fit in among humans. It helped me so much when I felt like a loner among my peers, told me to embrace my weird self. I even got to meet the author at a convention and tell her how much her book meant to me. Been a few years since I reread it but it still sits in my bookshelf, signed by the author.

      Reply ↓
    13. Pam Adams*

      Seanan McGuire’s Wayward Children series. It about what happens to the kids who went to other worlds when they come back.

      Reply ↓
    14. Liminality*

      Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher – by Bruce Coville

      It’s also part of a series called “Magic Shop”, but I haven’t read the others.

      Reply ↓
    15. Liminality*

      Also Ella’s Enchanted and Farrest by Gail Carson Levine.
      (Bonus, Fairest had a full-cast-recording audiobook that has actual singing, of you’re into that sort of thing.)

      Reply ↓
    16. Falling Diphthong*

      The Epic Crush of Genie Lo by F.C. Yee. A Silicon Valley teenager is laser focused on defeating the college admissions process and escaping her hometown, when the Monkey King shows up and wants her to help him stop the incoming demon hoards escaped from Hell.

      Likable characters, and the plot hits that balance between getting deep into the Chinese mythology, and acknowledging how many traditional things seem pretty appalling by modern standards.

      Reply ↓
    18. TimeTheydySkooter*

      The Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire. Basically came out of asking ‘what happens to the children who go on adventures in other worlds and come back, but can’t cope with the so-called real world?’ They’re very short, and the stories flip between stories of the children after their adventures and back stories for some of these children. Very good, very queer, interesting world building.

      Reply ↓
    19. Girasol*

      Harry Potter, of course, and Golden Compass by Philip Pullman. My husband favored The Ranger’s Apprentice series and all its adjunct series (something like 20 novels) for comfort reading. The Redwall series is fun comfort reading.

      Reply ↓
    21. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Firekeeper’s Daughter by Angeline Boulley. I haven’t read the sequel yet but the first book is great.

      Reply ↓
    22. word nerd*

      Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell is beautifully written and a great adventure into a fantastic world (although probably geared toward more middle grade than YA)

      Reply ↓
    23. CityMouse*

      There have been some great recommendations above (strongly agreeing with The Thief series particularly). Anything by Diana Wynne Jones and TJ Kingfisher.

      I’m going to toss in the Carry On Trilogy by Rainbow Rowell. It’s best described as a LGBT focused Harry Potter deconstruction, the magic system in the book is based on idioms and is fascinating. This one seems to slip under the radar a lot but I’m a huge fan.

      Reply ↓
      1. Arrietty*

        I love the Carry On series, and really all of Rainbow Rowell’s books.

        I’ve not read them yet but have heard good things of AF Steadman’s Skandar series – bloodthirsty unicorns!

        Reply ↓
      2. Goldfeesh*

        Oh man, I haven’t thought of Rainbow Rowell in probably 20+ years. She used to write a column in the Omaha World Herald. I read her faithfully.

        Reply ↓
    24. Rosyglasses*

      I’ve really been enjoying The Goblin Emperor world. I finished the aforenamed first book last week and it was amazing. I’ve now started the trilogy set in that world and I’m starting to feel that tinge of “I want to sit down and read another thing” again.

      Also highly recommend The Naming (and following series of books) as a wonderfully engaging world that sucks you right in. For something lighter, Cassandra Clare and her world of Shadowhunters has quite a few books and accompanying series, so if you find you enjoy it – you’ll have a range of books to continue the lore.

      Reply ↓
    25. Rose is a rose*

      The Annals of the Western Shore is a trilogy by Ursula Le Guin, “tales of teenagers struggling to come to terms with their own mysterious and magical gifts showcase the imaginative generosity and abiding human concerns that mark Le Guin’s work.”

      Reply ↓
    26. Dancing with Penguins*

      The KarmaCorp series by Audrey Faye – some grrl power sci-fi with a ton of heart. 7 book series (best read in order). So sweet, so powerful!

      Reply ↓
    27. cleo*

      Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

      Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo

      The Order of the Full Moon Reflected in Water by Zen Cho – I’m not sure if this is marketed as YA but it has that vibe.

      I haven’t read them but my 18 niece loves Alix Harrow and V. E. Schwab.

      Reply ↓
    28. Subtle Tuba*

      I think they’re technically middle-grade rather than YA, but I recently read the Wings of Fire series with my kid and I really loved it. The characters are dragons (except in one book where we get the humans’ perspective) and there are themes around coming-of-age and found family. The first two books, especially the first, are somewhat violent in places (gladiatorial combat in book 1) and almost put me off, but the rest of the series is much less like that and turns rather pacifist. The writing is very good, there’s humor, the characters are relatable and reasonably complex — just a delight. (There are 3 series of 5 books each, plus a couple of extra books.) The author is Tui T. Sutherland.

      Also fourthing the rec for The Thief. The first book in that series could essentially be middle-grade as well, but the later books get more complex and a little darker (though not oppressively so). One of my favorite series of all time for any age.

      Reply ↓
      1. No name yet*

        I’d second the idea for the Wings of Fire series – it’s definitely middle-grade, but really quite good. I read them with my 8-then-9 year old, but my wife and I enjoyed them just as much as he did. (There’s three 5-book arcs, and I liked the 2nd and 3rd arcs more than the first, though the first was good as well.)

        Reply ↓
    29. Dontbeadork*

      Terry Pratchett’s *The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents* or his Johnny Maxwell trilogy are good. Heck, any of the Discworld novels can arguably be considered young adult, although they get deeper as you go farther into the series.

      I’ll twelveth or seventeenth or whatever we’re at for Diana Wynn Jones. Any of it. All of it. Ditto Patricia Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles.

      Reply ↓
    30. Scholarly Publisher*

      Middle grade rather than YA, but I adore Unusual Chickens for the Exceptional Poultry Farmer by Kelly Jones. A girl who’s adjusting to a move from Los Angeles to a rural area discovers that the farm’s chickens have unexpected abilities.

      Reply ↓
    31. carcinization*

      Chicken nuggets and roasted brussels sprouts are both bar snacks where I live, so I’m not sure about chiming in, but I really loved a collection of Aiken’s Armitage Family stories called The Serial Garden, and so did my husband, even though he usually doesn’t go in for that sort of thing.

      Reply ↓
    32. Camelid coordinator*

      How young are we going? I really enjoyed reading Warriors by Erin Hunter and its first batch of sequels when kiddo was younger. I re-read them sometimes for fun. Same with the Percy Jackson series and the follow-up series (I love the ones with the Roman camp) by Rick Riordan. I hope you have fun reading!

      Reply ↓
    33. Bay*

      I grew up with Tamora Pierce books and the Queen’s Thief books are my favorites.

      Recently discovered Intisar Khanani, in particular her Dauntless Path books are very good. I’m excited to read everything she writes in the future too.

      Reply ↓
    34. One of the many librarians*

      When you’re ready for the Odyssey, Emily Wilson did some terrific short readings that should be available on YouTube. If you want to warm up with another translation, Maria Dahvana Headley’s Beowulf is also worth reading.

      Reply ↓
    1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I love the regal floof!

      We used to have one just like that and he had two modes: 1) the most majestic of royal lions and 2) the goofiest furball in the circus.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cj*

        me too. I love that somebody here uses the username I’m only here for the cats.

        by the way, I’ve been glad to see you here in the last week or two.

        Reply ↓
      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Ha, he does look like a muppet! Or rather, the first six months we had him I thought he looked exactly like a muppet. Now that I know him well enough to read his face, I realize he has a very expressive face and so he no longer looks like a muppet to me … but my sister always calls him a muppet when she visits.

        Reply ↓
  5. Pentapus*

    Does anyone have a recommendation for popcorn air popper? I bought one two years ago from Bed Bath &Beyond that is really quite terrible. Half the kernels don’t pop, and it sprays popcorn everywhere. My previous one from the 90s worked fine, till the motor went.

    Reply ↓
    1. Always Tired*

      I have the Cuisinart Easypop and quite like it. no issues with popcorn all over the place, and only have issues with unpopped kernels is the corn is a bit stale.

      Reply ↓
    2. Green Mug*

      I have one from pampered chef. I love it. It’s a collapsible bowl so it doesn’t take up counter space. It takes 2 minutes in the microwave for a perfect portion of popcorn.

      Reply ↓
      1. Double A*

        Yes I have a collapsible bowl one and it is GOLD. I run it for 2 mins, empty out the popped corn, then run it another minute and it pops most of them.

        Reply ↓
      2. Elizabeth West*

        I have one I got at Aldi — it’s not collapsible, but it has a silicone insert that holds the popcorn in the middle and a vented lid. Love it.

        Reply ↓
    3. FashionablyEvil*

      So, you can actually DIY microwave popcorn—use a paper lunch bag, add 1/4c kernels, fold over the top, secure with ONE staple and pop it in the microwave. Works beautifully. Super easy and takes up almost no space.

      Reply ↓
            1. bay scamp*

              I put the bag in the water first when I microwave a cup of tea, just did it about an hour ago, in fact, and have been doing so for decades. On the other hand, I make popcorn on the stovetop!

              Reply ↓
          3. Seashell*

            Not all tea bags in the US have staples, but I would not put the tea bag in a microwave with or without staples.

            Reply ↓
        2. Haz*

          I’ve never stapled, just folded the bag over a couple of times with the fold down. Supposedly, to avoid sparks, metal just can’t be within a couple of inches of the sides of the microwave. I really don’t recommend stapling, it’s not necessary and it could end up in your popcorn by accident.

          Reply ↓
          1. AprilS*

            I’m also successful with the folded over a few times method.

            As far as metal in the microwave, I’m not familiar with the problem near the sides, but the size and shape of the metal matters too. It’s so much simpler/safer to just be in the habit of not using it unless it’s specifically labelled as microwave safe and has easy directions.

            For example, some single-use microwave-safe containers have a thin layer of metal in them (protected so that it doesn’t crumple) which creates a great reflective surface for the electrons. But using aluminum foil is almost always a bad idea because it’s likely to get a little crumpled which makes it really easy for it to spark.

            Reply ↓
          2. Elizabeth West*

            This is how I used to do that before I got my popcorn bowl. You can buy a pack of little brown paper lunch bags at the grocery store for not very much.

            Reply ↓
      2. AprilS*

        Yup, this. I spent 30+ years as an air-popper gal, but hit a point in my life where I was annoyed with the sound and cleaning involved and switched to microwaving plain kernels. I’m so much happier.

        I do use regular paper bags (top folded over a couple of times with no staple) these days but, if you prefer something reusable, I spent the first little while just making it in any large microwave safe container with a lid.

        Reply ↓
        1. Ashley*

          We have a kernel popper that we bought online for the reusable bowl. It is collapsible and has a lid that goes from snug to loose fitting. I love that it lets me use as much or as little oil as I want.

          Reply ↓
      3. RC*

        Yes, I always just use a bowl (like Pyrex) with a ceramic plate on the top in the microwave. 3 mins. I used to use one with a proper lid but then got lazy (and the volume was too big that it was leaving a lot unpopped).

        We had a dedicated popper but it didn‘t work nearly as well and just takes up space now.

        Reply ↓
        1. I own one tenacious plant*

          I’ve never not had popcorn everywhere. I put a tea towel over the popper to contain the fluffy goodness. Do not leave unattended. Remove as soon as you are done. Can warp the plastic but not so much it doesn’t work. we

          Reply ↓
      6. Southern Violet*

        I use the microwave collapsible bowl fron HotPop. The only way it doesnt pop is if the kernals are stale.

        Reply ↓
      2. Dog momma*

        Not just the popcorn, in popped kernels too. I must have had the same air popper from BBB, it was a big mess

        Reply ↓
      3. Anono-me*

        Weirdly enough, popcorn spraying everywhere actually can be dangerous. Because the unpoped kernels also spray everywhere and are super hot. You can get a pretty painful burn, if you have a super hot kernel go down your shirt and get stuck in your bra.

        Reply ↓
    5. PippinTook*

      Sometimes I make popcorn the way my mama did, in a big pan with a bit of oil, shaking at regular intervals. it’s especially satisfying if you have a glass-topped pan.

      Reply ↓
        1. Spacewoman Spiff*

          The Whirly pop is honestly kind of life changing. It makes popcorn so fast! No burnt bits! So airy! And fun to turn the little handle, of course.

          Reply ↓
      2. Generic Name*

        I was delighted when I realized that my stockpot had a glass lid meant I could watch popcorn being popped. Childhood dream realized.

        Also, when I was about 12, my sister had a movie-themed birthday party. My mom borrowed a movie theater popcorn machine from a restaurant at the shopping center she worked for. I was in heaven for about 2 weeks and I came home from school every day and made myself movie theater popcorn.

        Reply ↓
  6. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’ve read a lot this week; I’ve tried for a book per day, which has been lovely. Two of the fun books I’ve enjoyed are The Left-Handed Booksellers of London and The Sinister Booksellers of Bath, both by Garth Nix. They’re fun fantasy novels about a group of booksellers who use magical abilities to try to save the world and look after things. I also read a fun romance in the genre that I call “witchy romance”; set in modern day in a community of witches, a bit of fantasy and a bit of not. This particular book was The Ex Hex by Erin Sterling; recently on the weekend reading thread I asked for romance novels with no third act breakup and one of the suggestions someone gave led to this series. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it, so thanks for the Rex to whoever got me there!

    Reply ↓
    1. Pam Adams*

      Helene Wecker’s The Golem and the Jinni. A classic immigrant story, with a twist, and beautifully written.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Listening to “The Monsters We Defy” on audiobook. The story is excellent and the narration is mostly great but the voice she does for one side character bothers me so much I think it’s affected how I feel about the character!

      Reply ↓
    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you’re not dead set on the romance, I’ve recently really enjoyed the Midlife Magic series by Joan Grey (first book “”First Do No Charm”, there’s four of them so far) about a middle-aged woman discovering that she has magic abilities and working that into her everyday life. (Bonus points for the frequency with which she goes “You say that like of course I should know this, but y’all keep this stuff a secret, so of course I don’t know this!” and it’s not just, the ability pops up and comes with an innate download from the universe of what to do with it and how it all works. But one of the things I especially enjoyed about it is that it features friendship between men and women, while NOT being a romance-heavy series.

      Reply ↓
      1. More magic in my life, please!*

        I am intrigued. Do you have any more recommendations like this? Magic, but not necessarily murder or romance? Thank you!

        Reply ↓
    4. Mitchell Hundred*

      Currently I’m starting a thick academic history of Wales in the Dark Ages. I also just finished Virgin by Hanne Blank. It was a little sparse, but still good. The bit about testing virginity by putting smoke or wine fumes up the vagina was pretty weird.

      Reply ↓
    5. Seashell*

      I’m reading Long Island Compromise. It’s interesting, but all the characters are pretty unlikable so far.

      Reply ↓
    6. Teapot Translator*

      I read Roman Blood by Steven Saylor, first in the Gordianus The Finder series. Has anyone read the next novels and can tell me if the author dials back on the objectification of women? Otherwise, I’ll just go back to the Falco books (Lindsey Davis).

      Reply ↓
      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Saylor’s “Gordianus” books – while he does try to maintain historical accuracy, including the Roman attitudes towards women, I think he’s pretty even-handed. Later books include some strong female characters (and not just the villainous ones {wry grin}), and Gordianus himself goes through some changes re his personal feelings. (Some of the later books get heavier on politics than I was quite happy about, but overall I really love the series.)

        Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Finishing Interior: Chinatown and The Examiner–the latter just had a huge twist I did not see coming!

      Reply ↓
    8. HannahS*

      I read “Our Crumbling Foundation” which is about the housing crisis in Canada. I found it heavy on human-interest stories and light on actual numbers and the finer points of policy. Which is fine, it’s not a bad book. It’s just that I’m a reasonably politically aware Millenial who works a lot of with homeless and precariously-housed people, so the stories didn’t really add much for me. I was hoping for a more technical book.

      Reply ↓
      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Have you read the Tenant Class already? It’s slim but I remember it being compelling and informative even as a relatively politically aware person.

        Reply ↓
      2. the Viking Diva*

        I learned a lot about the role of housing in the cycle of poverty from Evicted, by Matthew Desmond.

        Reply ↓
        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Yeah Evicted is SUCH an important read, second that recommendation (even if not all of it is as relevant for the Canadian context). I also read his ‘Poverty in America’ and it was also really good, but less focused on the stories of real people – you could just feel his anger and frustration.

          Reply ↓
    9. Rara Avis*

      Edith Holler by Edward Carey. Edith is 13, lives in a theater in Edwardian London, and can’t leave it because of a curse. It just gets stranger from there. I’m not sure if I liked it.

      Medea by Eilish Quin. Not quite as well-written and powerful as Madeleine Miller’s Circe, but in the same vein, and well worth the read if you like mythological reimaginings.

      Reply ↓
    10. Jamie Starr*

      In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an American Family in Hitler’s Berlin by Erik Larson. I’ve also read The Devil in the White City and The Splendid and the Vile. His books obviously have a formula/style but for this one I’m wondering if there’s really enough to make a book out of. Like Martha (the ambassador’s daughter), who is one of the main focuses — is that because there was a lot of source material from/on her, or is she really interesting enough to be a focus? I’m not sure…

      Reply ↓
        2. Jamie Starr*

          It’s been several years since I read it, but I remember liking it. I didn’t know as much about Churchill up to and during WWII so I liked learning more about that.

          Reply ↓
    11. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’m reading The Evening and the Morning by Ken Follet, sort of a prequel to Pillars of the Earth. His characters do tend to follow similar models in each book, but the story is pulling me in and I’m enjoying getting caught up in a chunky, fast-paced narrative after a lot of more serious fiction and non-fiction recently!

      Reply ↓
    12. Bike Walk Barb*

      Making my way through Playground by Richard Powers. I’ve read and loved lots of his books years ago but I’ll admit to being a little done with his long threads of different people’s stories we know are going to connect up eventually. It’s the same structure he used in Overstory, the last book of his I read. Admittedly I’ve been reading much shorter, frothier books (many thanks to recommendations here!) so I may have lost my long-form literary fiction muscle tone a bit.

      Gradually making my way through Your Brain at Work because we’re doing a book group on my team so I’m only reading a chapter at a time.

      Next up:
      Colored Television by Danzy Senna
      The Grey Wolf by Louise Penny (finally came through after being in line for a long time!)
      Starter Villain by John Scalzi

      Lots more on hold and on the TBR list.

      Reply ↓
      1. word nerd*

        Keep going with Playground, it’s definitely worth it! (and not as long as The Overstory)

        Starter Villain is so much fun!

        Reply ↓
        1. Seashell*

          I started reading The Overstory, and I was disappointed when the family I was enjoying reading about suddenly disappeared. I cared more about them than a tree! I didn’t finish it.

          Reply ↓
            1. fallingleavesofnovember*

              I liked Bewilderment a lot more than The Overstory…I think the latter had maybe been oversold to me and I guess I found it a little too predictable…

              Reply ↓
    13. PippinTook*

      I can claim the honor of probably being the only person reading a book in Old English: Osweald Bera [Oswald the Bear], which is intended as an introductory learning text.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, wow! I looked it up – that looks fantastic! I’ve ordered it to buy as my library doesn’t have it. I’ve also sent them a recommendation to order it. Neat!

        Reply ↓
    14. RussianInTexas*

      The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11, by Lawrence Wright.
      Right before I re-read Roadside Picnic, by Arkady Strugatsky and Boris Strugatsky. The book been recently re-translated and re-released in the US as a rediscovered classic. it’s a fairly short book, and it’s a different type of sci-fi.

      Reply ↓
    15. GoryDetails*

      The Barbizon: The Hotel That Set Women Free by Paulina Bren, about the New York City hotel that opened in 1927 as a residential hotel for women, and wound up becoming home to many noted authors and artists – as well as many, many others who just wanted a safe place to stay while seeking jobs in the big city. (The building’s still there, but was converted to condominiums in 2005.) So far the book includes lots of interesting (and some infuriating) tidbits about that time.

      On audio: The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo, narrated by Simon Vance. I did read the book some years back, though I’d seen several film versions first – the novel’s ending is a bit of a shock if you came into the story via cinema. I chose this for a re-vist because the cathedral re-opened in December after the catastrophic fire of 2019 – and when Hugo, in the novel’s introduction, muses on the fleeting nature of things over time and wonders if the cathedral itself might not always be around, well, it did hit home.

      The novel is definitely one of those leisurely door-stoppers; Quasimodo doesn’t even show up for the first half a dozen chapters, which focus mostly on setting the scene and introducing the poor poet Pierre Gringore (loosely inspired by an actual person) whose most recent work is interrupted by an increasingly fractious crowd. I imagine a lot of artists will sympathize with the poor guy!

      Reply ↓
      1. Rose is a rose*

        I haven’t read it yet, but Women’s Hotel by Daniel Lavery seems like a good companion novel to The Barbizon. Set in a residential hotel in the 60s,
        “the Beidermeier might be several rungs lower on the ladder than the real-life Barbizon, but its residents manage to occupy one another nonetheless.”

        Reply ↓
    16. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      It isn’t new, but I got Amy Tan’s The Backyard Bird Chronicles for Christmas and I just love it. Lovely illustrations (her sketches), anecdotes about birds (and people), musings on the world. Begins with an absolute banger involving a hummingbird that had me staring at the page in shock and envy). If you enjoy birds in any way, and probably even if you never think about birds, it’s a fun book.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I’ve tried to read an e version of Backyard Bird Chronicles, but after two chapters I’ve realized that a real paper copy will be a better choice for me!

        Reply ↓
    17. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I just finished The Light Eaters, by Zoe Schlanger. The subtitle is “how the unseen world of plant intelligence offers a new understanding of life on Earth.” “Intelligence” here refers to some combination of awareness, and actions/decisions based on that awareness. That doesn’t require consciousness or what we’d think of as volition, it includes things like a root growing in the direction of water or fertile soil, and flowers opening and closing based on time of day.

      Current book is Murder Crossed Her Mind, by Stephen Spotswood, the newest book in his Parker and Pentecost series of mysteries.

      Reply ↓
    18. Nervous Nellie*

      For the 1st week of my Year of Penguin Classics, I’m reading Six Records of a Floating Life by Shen Fu. It’s a true diary from 1809 of a man who worked as a private secretary to a magistrate, but it’s also a lovely account of a man who really adores his wife and their home and enjoys a little travel and the company of his friends. It’s a short, dreamy & contemplative read. The perfect kickoff to a good year of reading.

      Reply ↓
    19. word nerd*

      My streak of meh books is over! Pretty much everything I read this week I enjoyed, including:

      –Memory Speaks by Julie Sedivy: part memoir about her experience being the child of Czech immigrants and part accessible linguistics about how multilingual people use and potentially lose different languages; I highly recommend to polyglots and to anyone who grew up with parents speaking a different language from the dominant language around them

      –The Light Eaters by Zoe Schlanger (a bit too anthropomorphic for me, but truly *fascinating* nonfiction about what plants are capable of–did you know there’s a plant that can mimic the appearance of 20+ other plants it’s growing near, including growing a spiky thorn when it normally doesn’t?)

      –Just an Ordinary Day, a collection of short stories by Shirley Jackson

      –Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell, one of the best kids’ fantasy books I’ve read in a long time (first of a trilogy yet to be published, but the first book ends satisfyingly)

      –I also read the last Pollifax book this week and it was bittersweet to reach the end–what should my next Dorothy Gilman be?

      Reply ↓
      2. Dontbeadork*

        Have you read The Nun in the Closet? I’d also suggest Thale’s Folly, but to be honest, it doesn’t really matter. Gilman was a great writer.

        Reply ↓
    20. TimeTheydySkooter*

      I just finished At the Coffee Shop of Curiosities, and it was a lovely start to my 2025 reading. Cozy, small magic vibes

      Reply ↓
    21. Elizabeth West*

      Finally reading Caleb Carr’s The Alienist. It’s been in the TBR pile for a while. I’m nearly done — it’s really good.

      Reply ↓
    24. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished The Paris Novel, which was a bit saccharine for me, but other friends raved about it. Trying to get through a quirky novel now—Welcome to the Pine Away Motel and Cabins – main character is a ghost following around all her friends in a small town in Oregon.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seashell*

        I had mixed feelings about The Paris Novel too. If you like non-fiction, I have enjoyed Ruth Reichl memoirs/non-fiction.

        Reply ↓
    25. Fellow Traveller*

      My reading this month has been inspired by my winter vacation travels, so I just read:
      -Green Island by Shawna Yang Ryan about a family in Taiwan whose life is irrevocably changed by the 2/28 massacre. Fascinating for me because 2/28 – a citizen’s uprising against the Chinese government – deeply affected my family, but no one talks about it today.
      -The Harmony Silk Factory by Tash Aw, about an enigmatic fabric merchant in Malaysia during the 1940s/1950s. The writing is beautiful, though the story is ambiguous and I don’t love stories with unreliable narrators.
      I really enjoyed reading both books while in the countries in which they were set – it’s so cool to have the context of the location and language and food and people as I read them.

      Reply ↓
    26. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished *The Talented Mr. Ripley* after catching the end of the movie on tv. It was good and kept me up reading till I finished it, but the ending is definitely different from how the movie ends.

      In the middle of Trevor Noah’s memoir *Born a Crime*, about growing up as a mixed child in Apartheid and shortly post-Apartheid South Africa. It’s informative and generally great.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seashell*

        I loved “Born a Crime”. Tried to get one of my kids to read it to cover a non-fiction assignment in high school, but no luck.

        Reply ↓
    27. RagingADHD*

      On Tyranny.

      If you haven’t read it, you need to. It’s extremely important stuff to know, think about, and act on.

      Reply ↓
    28. carcinization*

      Halfway through O’Malley’s Blitz, but had to stop halfway-ish at a very interesting part because I need to read a less-interesting-to-me book for book club, Morton’s The Clockmaker’s Daughter.

      Reply ↓
  7. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I finished my Christmas game Little Kitty, Big City. I loved it so much! It’s a fun little video game about a cat napping on the window sill of her apartment who accidentally falls down multiple stories to the ground (no injuries, the cat can’t get hurt in this game) and has to find her way back home. It’s light and playful and doesn’t take itself too seriously, and involves a lot of silly hats. Highly recommend for anyone who’s interested, and at the very least check out the trailer which is ridiculously cute.

    Reply ↓
    1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I got back into Deep Space D-6. It’s a dice and board game designed to be played with one person, but has multiple boards so others can play together. It’s good for feeding my board game craving when I have no one around to play with.

      Reply ↓
    2. SparklingBlue*

      I’ve been enjoying Infinity Nikki on my phone. Imagine what would happen if Zelda met the clothes making part of Animal Crossing, and that’s basically the game in a nutshell.

      Reply ↓
    3. Banana Pyjamas*

      That game is adorable! My littles actually share nicely and take turns when they play that one. 10/10

      Reply ↓
    4. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Nearly finished my first mod for Stardew Valley! It’s just to put my cat in the game.

      Reply ↓
    5. KateM*

      I really like the “escape room” games from nicolet.jp, especially the games from Collection and Collection2 which are really more like “a cute animal on a quest of gathering ingredients for a cake” than escape room. It’s not so much the cuteness for me than it being clear what there is and what isn’t, no challenges of “you have to guess that you need to hunt a pixel on a busy background behind a cupboard” – but still challenging enough.

      And all kind of puzzle games by Bart Bonte.

      Reply ↓
    6. Puffle*

      I’ve been playing Dragon Age: Veilguard over the last few weeks. Long-time fan of the series, but took me a while to get into it as the tone feels quite different to the other instalments at first and I wasn’t sure if I liked some of the companion characters.

      I stuck with it for the world-building/ lore (which I’ve always loved), and am really glad that I did as I’ve definitely been enjoying it. I feel like the tone/ characterisation evens out a lot after 5 hrs or so into something a lot more typical of the series and have really liked the companion quests.

      Reply ↓
      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        I also love Dragon Age but struggled with Veilguard. It doesn’t pass the vibe check, which really takes me out of it. They do eventually explain the worst offender, which helps a bit. I honestly fell out. I’m back on Skyrim as per usual.

        Reply ↓
    7. Quitting Timely*

      I have been leading a D&D game since 2020 lockdown and my players finally finished one of the two main storylines tonight! They were more excited about getting magical tattoos earlier in the session, but I am proud of them. Now they just need to defeat a goddess (no problem, right?).

      Reply ↓
    8. RussianInTexas*

      Played Azul Queen’s Garden for the first time couple of days ago. Took a while to figure it out, because the mechanics are different from the regular Azul, but I liked it.

      Reply ↓
    9. is the math right ?*

      The children’s museum I took itsy (7) and bitsy (11) to had an exhibit on ancient table games. They had displays of the classics like chess, go, parchesee (sp!), but also a bunch of others I’d never seen before.

      My kids were especially fascinated with one called the “royal game of ur” and spent a solid hour almost playing with the digital demo.

      Reply ↓
    10. RagingADHD*

      I finally pulled out the Deadbolt Mystery Society box that I got in the spring and played it with a friend. Lots of fun! There were a couple of times that we overthought stuff because it seemed too obvious, but overall it was just the right difficulty level to keep us interested without getting too frustrated to continue.

      Then we checked out a couple of tabletop games from the library to play on NYE. One was part of the Unlock! series, so another puzzle / clue based game. That was a lot of fun.

      The other was a Lord of the Rings (the book) card game. It was sooooo complicated. We spent almost an hour and a half just reading the rules, setting up the cards, and trying to walk through the gameplay. We never completed the first round before it was time for the midnight countdown, and nobody wanted to pick it back up afterward.

      I wish game instructions always started with “here is how you win / what you want to achieve,” and then explained how to do the thing on a basic / quick start level, and then get into advanced play afterward. Instead, they mostly seem to explain each step or aspect of the game exhaustively as you go along. On this one, you had to wade through the rules for alllll the expansion packs before getting to the next section, and it didn’t say they were moves that only applied to the expansion pack until the end.

      It might have been a fun game if it wasn’t so hard to get started.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        I had some friends give me a LOTR card game several years ago that had a one-person version, and so I naturally tried to play it. I’ve tried several times, and I just can’t get through the instructions. Maybe it’s because I’m not super familiar with deck-building games, but I just can’t understand it. Which is frustrating, since I’m the person in our house who most enjoys this sort of game, and so if I could play by myself it would make me happy. But still no luck.

        Reply ↓
    11. Lurker*

      It’s an old wii game and I’m not sure anyone will know it, but I’ve been playing Deblob on my computer. It’s really fun and brings back a lot of memories for me!

      Reply ↓
    12. TimeTheydySkooter*

      I got the Nintendo version of Stray for Christmas, finished that earlier this week, cried like a baby, and now I have moved onto Neva, the new game by the studio that made Gris, and it is gorgeous

      Reply ↓
    13. Sic Transit Vir*

      Spent upwards of 3 hours on New Years Eve with a few friends playing the card game Superfight. You essentially pull from a few decks of cards to create ridiculous mad-libs-esque fighters (think “Chuck Norris with jellyfish hands” or “High school marching band armed with one machine gun”) and argue over which one would win in a fight. We love to have weird hypothetical conversations so it was perfect.

      Reply ↓
    14. Reluctant Mezzo*

      FINALLY got my healer past the Aetherochemical Research Facility! All other dungeons are easy peasy compared to Ascian Prime.

      Reply ↓
    15. Numbersmouse*

      Finally started a proper playthrough of Disco Elysium. It’s an exceptionally well-written game that does a great job of immersing you in the persona of a shitbag addict police detective, and the lore is just fascinating.

      Unfortunately, I am playing on Switch, which means the ideal playing position is sitting on the floor in front of my TV (even on the largest font setting, it’s too hard to read, the couch is too far away and handheld too low a resolution). Also it keeps crashing on me so I do have to remember to save frequently. These two things take me out of the game pretty often.

      Reply ↓
    16. Dontbeadork*

      Friday night we finished our Savage Worlds campaign with a battle that had spanned two full gaming sessions. I am feeling smug because my character got in the killing blow that stopped the threat to the world.

      Next week I will be GMing our next campaign. We’re using the Savage Worlds rules for Pathfinder, but because magic users have become exceptionally broken in just about all TTRPGs, I have opted for a low magic world. Will be spending a couple of weeks doing small-group gaming to introduce parts of what will the be adventuring party to each other so we can avoid the whole “you all meet in a tavern” stuff. We are lucky enough to have two rooms big enough to set up games in, so the members of the group not having their adventure with me can play something with the rest of the gamers instead of not getting a game night at all.

      Reply ↓
  8. Green Mug*

    Has anyone read the Will Trent books and watched the show? Will reading the books ruin the show? I want to read the series but I love the show. Should I wait until the series ends to start the books?

    Reply ↓
    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      The books and the show are sooo different. I read the books a long time ago so was fuzzy on plots, but when I started the show I realized the characters were much different than I had imagined them. Plus the Angie/ Will thing is very very different. I just decided it’s a totally different universe and don’t compare them. I’d recommend you watch the new season then maybe read the books over summer hiatus.

      Reply ↓
    2. Maestra*

      I’ve been watching the show since it started and recently read the first two books. I’d treat them as completely different stories with characters with the same name and same general location. The first book upends a whole lot of what’s on the show. The second book, from what I remember of the show, follows the series premiere episode pretty closely. Same crime anyway.

      Reply ↓
    3. Invisible fish*

      I agree with everyone here- the show borrowed the character names and setting, then took off on its own. The Will Trent series is a favorite of mine, but beware- in a good way! Karin Slaughter has made her own universe, and the Will Trent series is only one portion of it. There are several connected series, with characters coming and going, and I highly recommend that you read them in order of release, regardless of which characters it features.

      Reply ↓
    4. Green Mug*

      My initial plan was to try patience. New plan is to think of the books as unrelated to the show and indulge immediately. Thank you!

      Reply ↓
      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Enjoy! Fair warning though that Karin Slaughter puts her female characters through a lot. The books can be pretty intense.

        Reply ↓
    5. Southern ding dong*

      At the very least, in the books, WT is an adult with his peers in the 90s. His memories of being a child go back to the 70s, still in Atlanta, but obviously race and gender relations were very different then, vs. in the TV show where the adults in the 2020s flash back to their childhood in the 90s or so. Plus there is a whole adjacent series of books with perspectives from different characters, so Husband kept waiting for those characters to be the same on TV as they are in the books – they are not. They are good books though and Karin Slaughter did her Atlanta and time period research for sure! The books ring true

      Reply ↓
  9. Morning Dew*

    Does anyone use a humidifier during winter? If so, do you like what you have? I have bought a few and they all have disappointed me.

    Many claim to be “easy to clean” but even with that advertisement, there are little spaces and/or parts that are difficult to clean thoroughly.

    So if you use one and it is actually easy to clean, can you tell me what you have?

    Thank you!

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon in IL*

      I use the Honeywell model number HCM350. It’s not too bad. There is a cleaning video on YouTube if you want to check it out.

      Reply ↓
    2. Qwerty*

      Maybe use one of those charcoal based vaporizers? I used to have a $25 one from CVS and it only had two parts – the bowl and the vaporizer apparatus, so there wasn’t much to clean.

      I use the Vicks Warm Mist Humidifier with a 1gallon tank. There’s a few parts to it but they are all large so I haven’t had any trouble with cleaning it. Just did a quick clean this morning in 5-10min. When the calcium builds up a lot or if I’m doing a deeper clean, I’ll often let the parts sit in a bowl of white vinegar + hot water (or pour the mixture into the base) so that it gets into any small places on its own.

      Reply ↓
    3. Nesta*

      I have a Miro humidifier, which is actually easy to clean because you can take apart almost every part of the humidifier to scrub it out. It’s more expensive, but it is a game changer.

      Reply ↓
    4. LynnP*

      Levoit Classic 300S, you can schedule it to turn on and off and regulate how much mist you want. It seems easy to clean so far. My son has used the same thing for a while and has been happy with it.

      Reply ↓
    5. BellaStella*

      Just bought one this week. I plan to clean it weekly per directions. It is tiny and only holds 1 cup of water so I use it for about 2 hrs on low. Mine is a brand named Boneco and I am in Europe so am not sure if this is in your area?

      Reply ↓
    6. Southern ding dong*

      I gave up on the cleaning and just throw it away after 1 or 2 seasons and wait as long as I can until buying another

      Reply ↓
    7. Tiny Clay Insects*

      Our humidifier broke, and given that my husband and I are both sick with some virus that’s making us cough, I’ve just been simmering a pan of water on the stove with some whole cloves and orange peels in it, to up the humidity and make it smell nice, too.

      Reply ↓
  10. Anon in IL*

    I’m looking for a recommendation for a book about consumer fraud, but have fairly specific requirements. I’m not sure what I’m looking for exists.

    I am helping my aged parents with their finances and am astonished at the amount of attempted fraud that comes their way from every vector. Phone calls, texts, email, websites, even snail mail. It is a continual firehose of deception, multiple times per day. Some of their friends have been caught up in various scams and lost significant funds. It’s my general impression that things have become much worse in the last decade. I also have a feeling that legal things like the rise of cryptocurrency and online gambling are somehow related to this. I have heard this called the “scam economy”.

    Is there a book that ties these phenomena together and addresses questions like:

    -are Americans more targeted by fraudsters and more susceptible and if so why?
    -what effects is this having on society? (loss of trust in institutions, disruption of commerce, isolation, mental illness, etc.)
    -have things gotten measurably worse recently and what factors are contributing to this?
    -what can be done about it on a societal or governmental level? (legislation, technology, etc.)

    Things I do not need:
    -biographies of specific fraudsters or accounts of specific frauds
    -tips on how to recognize fraud or recover from it
    -stories of individual victims, unless they tie into the wider questions above
    -magazine or newspaper articles, Internet forums, or YouTube videos. Looking for an in-depth book-length treatment. Scholarly ok.

    Thanks for your recommendations!

    Reply ↓
    1. Higher-ed Jessica*

      Sorry I don’t know what book this is, but I hope someone does (and that it exists), because I also want to read it!

      Reply ↓
    2. Generic Name*

      If no one comes up with a recommendation here, I suggest going to your local library and asking a librarian.

      Reply ↓
      2. CateP*

        I just added Lying for Money: How Legendary Frauds Reveal the Workings of Our World by
        Dan Davies to my to-read list, it looks like it might fit your interests

        Reply ↓
    3. Silent E*

      This book doesn’t hit all of the points on your checklist, but it might address some, so I suggest you check out Liars and Outliers: Enabling the Trust that Society Needs to Thrive by Bruce Schneier. If that’s not quite what you are looking for, it may help you to find a related title that is.

      Reply ↓
      1. epicdemiologist*

        I’ve followed Bruce Schneier online for many years, and he is both knowledgeable and a very good writer.

        Reply ↓
    4. Sloanicota*

      Not an answer to your question, which I hope you get, but note that there is intensive fraud *specifically targeting older people* so what you’re seeing is not like, the pervasive experience of all Americans. It would be very interesting to know which entities are sharing and selling lists of seniors specifically with fraudsters. I hate Big Data for reasons like this. Did you know the recently bereft are also a desirable targeted list (because they are easily muddled/shaken and thus exploitable?). It’s horrible.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        That goes back to the days of burglars reading the obit page to know what houses to target (by seeing when services were being held so the family would be out of the house.)

        Reply ↓
    5. Pigeon*

      I don’t know if this will fit the bill but Selling the Dream by Jane Marie might be useful. Her focus is on MLMs but she also addresses larger issues. Her podcast of the same name is very good.

      Reply ↓
    6. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      Bruce Schneier, mentioned in another post, has a blog at schneier dot com at which he writes on all kinds on security issues. His latest book is A Hacker’s Mind; the blurb on it indicates that it touches on the larger issues raised in your post, although it is not *exactly* what you are looking for.

      And if I’m Schneier’s publisher, I’m handing him your post and saying “This is your next book.”

      Reply ↓
    7. Nervous Nellie*

      The AARP website has lots of articles and resources about scams and fraud. Articles there may refer to or lead you to published books on the subject. From a recommendation there I read Fool Me Once by Kelly Pope – it touches on most of the questions you list. AARP is very focused on getting the word out about fraud, and will likely have lots of leads for you.

      I agree – it feels like it’s become dramatically worse! Cheering for your folks – I hope they stay safe.

      Reply ↓
      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Seconding Nervous Nellie here. AARP does a good job of staying on top of existing scams and pointing out new ones, naming the steps to take if a scam seems likely, providing resources (such as phone numbers) for finding more detailed advice, etc.
        An advantage is that the website has the flexibility to immediately offer information that’s possibly more current than would be found in a published book.
        Good for you, Anon in IL, that you’re staying on top of this stuff!

        Reply ↓
    8. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s not only an economy, it’s a trillion dollar one. That’s with a “T.” It’s no “fun scam” stuff like the Ocean’s movies–this is run by ruthless people with thousands of “employees” all over the globe.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        this is run by ruthless people with thousands of “employees” all over the globe.

        If that were the case, it would be easier to do something about it. A real part of the problem is that this is not a singular entity, nor is it being “run” by anyone.

        Yes, it’s a *huge* economy, but it’s highly decentralized and chaotic. Which is one of the reasons why it’s pretty much impossible for any one agency or organization to take down the really significant players on their own (there are generally deep collaborations involved). And also why when one major player (eg a malware-as-a-service provider) gets taken down it may have an effect on overall fraud, but that effect is often relatively small. Worse, the player(s) often get quickly replaced by one or more other entities that step in to the new “opportunity”.

        Reply ↓
    9. Jay*

      Honestly, I’ve found that videos and podcasts are more help to me than a book.
      Things like “How Money Works”, or some of the legal programs.
      Also, good ol’ fashioned Snopes is still out there, doing what they do.

      Reply ↓
    10. Ron McDon*

      Apologies to OP as this isn’t a recommendation for a book but a recommendation for children of people who aren’t very tech savvy and don’t understand how pervasive these scams are – radio 4 in the UK recently had a ‘scam week’ where the output was focused on discussing scams, warning people about them, and providing hints and tips.

      You and Yours presenter Shari Vowle did 5 x 15 minute episodes called ‘How they get you’ (on BBC Sounds) which took the 5 main scams, outlined how they worked, and how you can protect yourself from them.

      My parents listened to the episodes (as did I), and it sparked some really useful conversations around how they could protect themselves (eg if they get a ‘hello mum’ text, ask for a code word we’ve agreed on, to check it’s from me). They didn’t grow up with technology, so don’t always understand the scams out there and how sophisticated they can be.

      The scariest thing Shari Vowle uncovered recently was that AI can be used to duplicate someone’s voice and speaking pattern in such a way that you’d never know it wasn’t the person speaking – they used an AI version of her voice to access her bank account…

      Apologies again as I know this isn’t what OP wanted, but I thought it worth mentioning in case someone else is concerned about scams and their vulnerable relatives/friends.

      Reply ↓
      1. Silent E*

        Thank you for this recommendation Ron McDon! I’m not in the UK, but was able to find them via an internet search. For anyone else looking, the presenter’s name is spelled Shari Vahl and the subtitle, as Ron McDon mentions above, is “How They Get You.”

        Reply ↓
    11. Anon in IL*

      Thank you to everyone who responded. It seems that what I am looking for does not precisely exist, but you have given me some great suggestions. I have started reading Liars and Outliers and will check out the other recommendations in this thread. Thank you again.

      Reply ↓
  11. Pro Bonobo*

    Is anyone else here boring AF? I don’t like to travel. I don’t like fancy food. If given a choice to go out or stay home, I would really rather stay home. I hate changing lanes on the highway. I have never taken or to my knowledge even seen an illegal drug. I like to read books multiple times. I don’t like roller coasters. I don’t listen to music, but audiobooks.

    Please tell me how boring you are so I have some company here in a world where “influencers” exist.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In some ways, for sure. I am a homebody and most of the time my favorite way to spend a weekend is sitting on my couch with yarn work and a show I’ve seen a million times. My husband likes to act like a pretentious food snob and it’s hilarious watching the faces he makes when he hands me something and I go “Yep, tastes like beef.” The one that boggles him the most is that aside from Barq’s, I can’t tell the difference between name brand root beers, fancy craft root beers, generic store brand root beers. “Yep, tastes like root beer.”

      But I do like to travel (albeit to the same destination repeatedly, for the most part) and I can’t do audiobooks.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pam Adams*

        I can only do audio books if I already know and love the story. (currently listening to Seanan McGuire’s Beneath the Sugar Sky)

        Am now lying the bed with a snoring dog, playing a Mahjong game as a change from Candy Crush.

        Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      I tend to think my boring habits are an antidote to my busy mind, FWIW. It’s like being Steve Jobs (apocryphally) wearing the same outfit every day to free up his brain for other things, or whatever.

      Reply ↓
      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        I find something comfortable and then I buy two or three in every color. Which is why I basically wear the same thing every day. Cargo pants, racerback tank, and solid color button up shirt. I just don’t have the energy or fracks to put effort into anything more varied. The only clothes I put effort into is my head scarves, which I make myself from fabric I spend a lot of time sourcing.

        Reply ↓
    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      Plenty of people who love fancy food and travel a lot are boring AF. It’s what’s on the inside that makes a person interesting.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Amen. Travel and food bores are some of the biggest windbags out there! There’s a reason every person who travels or cooks doesn’t have a TV career or book deal.

        Reply ↓
    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Unlike you I listen to music but not audiobooks, but otherwise I am equally boring right down to the details. When someone asks me what I’ve been up to lately, most of the time my reply is “not much, how about you?”

      Reply ↓
    5. HannahS*

      I don’t know, I don’t find myself boring though I do understand that I am not “cool” by most conventional measures.

      I studied hard in school, have been to maybe one house party (hosted by my cousin,) have never had a drink, smoked anything, or used illegal drugs. I married my first boyfriend, who was the first person I’d been on three dates with.

      I am a homebody. My hobbies are reading, cooking, and sewing. I practice Judaism in an unimaginative way. I don’t yearn to travel. I hate being in the car. I don’t like shopping. I like listening to classical music but I like silence even more. I suck at social media.

      I like learning new things and I’m a good friend. I’m good at my job, which is a caregiving profession. I love being with my toddler. That’s enough for me, and I don’t feel bad about myself. Most people are just ordinary :)

      Reply ↓
    6. Generic Name*

      You don’t sound boring at all; you just don’t like taking unnecessary risks. I’m the same. I live in Colorado and I don’t ski or rock climb or mountain bike. I like enjoying nature at a slow pace. I’ve actually referred to myself as an anti-adrenaline junkie. I’d rather visit the same campsite every year than go on international vacations. I have the same food for breakfast for months on end. I love re-reading favorite books.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m pretty much the same way. When I hear about people who do extreme sports, mountaineering and other stuff, my reaction is usually centers on “Ugh, no.” I’ve got nothing against the activities but just do not relate to the “thrill” they supposedly generate.

        Reply ↓
    7. Le le lemon*

      I think it’s possible to do plenty of boring/mundane things, but if you have a way with words, can connect and engage with others, then interesting things come out of those conversations!
      your week’s highlights might be:
      – re-read X book (it’s comforting to me because…)
      – saw a baby bird get swooped/picked up by a predatory bird
      – finally ticked The Thing off the to-do list after 6months
      – sorted the grocery cupboard in a satisfying way
      – stuck to X habit for X days in a row.
      and being interested in others – asking good questions, remembering details – is kind of the opposite of what I think a boring person would do! (even if it’s for a small number of people).

      Boring to me, is also the person who goes “nothing” “yeah” “dunno” “lol” for 100% of the convo, when given plenty of space to respond in other ways…

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Exactly. Boring to me is someone who apparently physically cannot lift their eyes from their phone long enough to have a conversation. And I frankly find most influencers boring or second-degree embarrassing, depending on how much “try hard” radiates from them.

        Reply ↓
      2. Angstrom*

        Yes! You don’t have to do exciting things to be good company. If someone is enthusiastic about what they do, or takes a genuine interest in what others are doing, they won’t be boring.

        Reply ↓
        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I like how Anne Lamott puts it: when your interesting friend asks you along on her garbage dump run, you are all in. When the most boring person you know asks you on a Paris vacation, you’re all “eh…”

          Reply ↓
    8. Mimmy*

      I’m pretty boring (almost in a “goodie two-shoes” sense) and I’d say I’ve become even more boring since the pandemic. My husband and I rarely go out or take trips. I don’t really mind going out or spending time with family and friends, but I don’t like being up late and I don’t enjoy loud gatherings. If given the choice, though, I’d prefer being in the quiet of my home.

      I was actually starting to venture out a bit more about 5 years ago but then the pandemic happened and I lost all the nerve I’d gained.

      I don’t like fancy dishes either and my wardrobe is pretty plain.

      Reply ↓
    9. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I’m definitely boring in some ways. My mom is a jewelry fanatic and has a collection so large she could swap out everything every day for a year and never wear the same thing twice. It’s been frustrating to her that I am the opposite. I wear the same three pieces of jewelry every day. The only time I put in new jewelry is if something breaks and then I replace it with the exact same thing I wore before.

      Reply ↓
    10. Brevity*

      Hell yeah I’m boring! I hate biking! I don’t like gory violence or rape scenes in movies or TV, so you can imagine all the stuff “everybody” watches that I don’t, like Game or Thrones or practically any A24 movie. You also wouldn’t catch me dead out someplace like NYC NYE or an arena concert. I can’t stand crowds, especially rowdy drinking crowds.

      I’m happy that way. Live the boring life, I say, however you please. Anyone has a problem with it can go screw.

      Reply ↓
      2. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        A family member once told me I’m boring as eff in my reading, movie, and TV watching. Given the wide variety of what I read and watch, I couldn’t figure out what she meant. Turns out she meant because I absolutely hate sex scenes and find romance genres boring. She loves romance and erotica and thinks media without sex is boring. I just prefer my entertainment reading/watching separate from my porn. I’m reading a book about zombies in space because I want to read about zombies in space not so I can read about two people getting it on, thanks. Doesn’t need to be edgy to be entertaining, ffs.

        And rape scenes are a hard no for me. GOT came out right as I was doing my thesis on child sexual abuse. I tried to watch it since everyone else was but episode one laid it out with the twins in the tower doing an act featured heavily in my thesis and the show just got worse from there. I still have nightmares from my thesis, GOT only reminds me of that.

        Reply ↓
    11. Busy Middle Manager*

      Many of us “boring” people are this way precisely because we already experimented with all of the “interesting” things out there, and chose a more minimalist lifestyle. I travelled alot, I did some of the huge now historic clubs on the 90s. Kept my calendar very full. When I was in my 20s I tried to keep up with the popular crowd, but it ended up feeling like I was choosing to sit in the absolute worst traffic jams to get to the most crowded beach towns, to then have to act like I just showed up there effortlessly, and to always have smoke and mirrors up (such as name dropping and pretending to have somewhere more important to go to).

      Travel? It’s cool. But you realize that there are cool places closer to home and travel is becoming not worth the hassle, with more cancelled flights, smaller seats, and people acting like they’re buses in the sky, rather than the higher-class experience of the 70s and 80s.

      I found a random historic house two hours drive in a no-name city and it ended up being a boring-on-the-outside-cool-on-the-inside day trip. A bored parks worker took time with the tour, you get lost in all of the details. Like him holding up a random contraptions and asking “what do you think this was used for” and you start imaging yourself in the 1700s

      For me, my favorite days are usually a random Thursday in March or something. No holiday, no event, just a day I can do my exercise, go on a walk in mild weather, flip through a couple of books with pictures (like my Trees of North America or gardening books from the 80s), and cook. Just enjoying the simple things around us.

      There is also the psychological aspect that impacts how you see the world on a minute-by-minute basis. For example, if you come from a family with hoarding tendencies, just being in a clean/minimally cluttered house can make you feel warm and fuzzy and in control, in a way it probably doesn’t with someone from a normal household. My parents food hoard, so for me, hanging out in my kitchen and scrubbing the fridge must trigger loads of endorphins in a way some people wouldn’t understand.

      So boring on the outside, but you feel like you’re having a meaningful experience on the inside.

      Lastly, you mention travel. My fervor for travel has lessened mostly due to the internet but also the flow of history. The world has been basically open for 30+ years now. No more iron curtain. You want to hear French spoken? Just go online. No reason to fly to Paris. Takes away alot of the urgency

      Reply ↓
      1. nonprofit director*

        Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. I don’t consider myself boring and I have made the choice to slow down and simplify my life after having lived a very busy and crazy life in my late teens and into my mid 20s.

        Reply ↓
    12. Dark Macadamia*

      Yep. There’s a Hark a Vagrant comic where a guy is like “my girlfriend is so boring, what the fuck is this” while holding magazines with titles like “Blase: The Sweater Issue” and “Yarn News” … and that’s me, lol. I enjoy my hobbies but I also feel like they’re very lame to talk about, even with people who enjoy the same thing. I’m socially awkward, unadventurous, not fashionable, etc. There are a lot of things I love about my life and don’t necessarily want to change, but I’m definitely not interesting.

      Reply ↓
    13. Not Australian*

      Well, I don’t drive – although I *have* just acquired a mobility scooter – but otherwise that could be me. I’m also now finding that I watch very little ‘new stuff’ on TV, or if I do I tend not to care for it much, so I’m mining my back catalogue via DVDs and online sources. I have always loved ‘entertaining’ – running parties and inviting people for meals – but this is also becoming too stressful physically now, and I’m officially scaling back on that as well. I stopped reading fiction for pleasure many years ago as I was actually doing that for work and I found reading non-fiction actually more comfortable at that time, so I’ve stuck to it: largely historical/autobiographical stuff, which tends to come off as boring to other people, with a smattering of true crime. I do enjoy travel, though, I must admit.

      IMHO there’s nothing the matter with being ‘boring’! Being desperate to stand out from a crowd, OTOH, seems to suggest a desire to live one’s entire life in public, or to impose oneself and one’s views on others: frankly, I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable.

      Reply ↓
    14. allathian*

      You sound a lot like me. I do listen to music and have enjoyed going to concerts, but I don’t do podcasts or audiobooks because talky audio just goes in one ear and out the other without leaving an impression. Music engages a larger part of the brain.

      In my late teens and 20s I enjoyed clubbing (drinking age 18 here) but when I hit 30 it was all BTDT and I basically turned middle aged overnight, if you define middle age as a state of mind where you prioritize comfort over a sense of adventure.

      I loved travel, especially immersing myself in another culture when I was young, and I was lucky enough to do it three times, a year in the UK when I was 12, six months as an exchange student in France and another six months in Spain as an intern when I was at college. I sometimes regret losing fluency in French and Spanish.

      I love my friends and enjoy seeing them about once every two months, my bestie maybe once a month. The days of seeing my friends daily or at least weekly are long gone.

      I like my current job and have been working for the same employer for 17 years. I hope I can stay there for the next 15 or so years until I retire. There have been enough internal changes and opportunities for development that I don’t see any need to change jobs. I’d need to go into people management to get a promotion and I’m not interested in that.

      I work to live, and as much as I enjoy my job, it’s just a job, not my life.

      I’m happily married with a 15 year old and a great extended family with minimal drama, and I like it that way.

      I like reading my favorite books over and over.

      I mostly wear the same kind of clothes (patterned top with long sleeves, jeans, comfortable shoes) and I’m not at all interested in fashion.

      I’m not on any social media except Whatsapp, and even there I mainly talk to people in my contacts (except for a professional networking group and the parents’ groups for my son’s class and extracurriculars).

      I deeply resent the idea of continuous improvement. I deal with it at work because it’s unavoidable, but I absolutely refuse to do it in my personal life.

      My favorite way to spend the weekend is to sit on the couch for most of the day, with a walk if the weather’s nice, or a bike ride in the summer. Time to hang out with my family, or my phone, and watching TV or reading a book when the necessary chores are done.

      Reply ↓
      2. Ellis Bell*

        I think it’s definitely true that you’re more likely to fall for the its-supposed-to-be-fun-what-is-wrong-with-you myths, when you’re young and you don’t think you’ve given “it” a real chance yet. You’re also dead on about how if we’re all doing the same thing, at the same time, you’re more likely to get crowds and queuing than actual fun (New Year’s Eve anyone?) I think the first hint I got that I was definitely going to outgrow fun above all culture earlier than on schedule was the Fun Bobby character on Friends. No one even considered having a real conversation with that guy once he wasn’t entertainingly drunk anymore.

        Reply ↓
        1. Sloanicota*

          Yes, I was boring in high school and then overcompensated in college by wanting those classic experiences – hooking up, clubbing, partying, drinking too much, etc. As I got close to 30 I realized I didn’t enjoy … any of those things, and my gift to myself was giving me permission to never do it again. Now I don’t even like to be out after midnight. I don’t feel as much guilt saying “no” to things I know I won’t like (like really loud clubs late at night – never again!).

          Reply ↓
    15. Despachito*

      Haha, you basically described me, except the audiobooks.

      It doesn’t matter that you may seem boring to an outsider. All what matters is whether YOU are happy, and you seem to be.

      Think about it rather as reaching the true zen harmony. You are able to produce your endorphins without having to do expensive and/or dangerous things, and that in itself is a bliss.

      We historically live in a culture that glorifies extremes. We know the names of outlaws, conquerors, military chefs and mass murderers but not those of people who just lived their lives, were honest, pulled their weight and harmed no one.

      I don’t find anything heroic in things like extreme sports, and I am not in awe that someone nowadays climbs the Everest. To everyone their own and it is perhaps a bit petty but I feel rather sorry for people who need such strong stimuli to be happy.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I quit admiring Everest climbers when I heard about people standing in line to scale the summit, snap their selfie, and then leave. Doesn’t really ring through with heroics, especially factoring in how trashed the mountain has gotten with all the “adventurers” leaving debris behind.

        Reply ↓
      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seriously! Whatever is making us personally happy is enough. We don’t have to achieve our happiness exactly like anyone else does — they can do their thing, and we can do ours.

        Reply ↓
    16. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I don’t own a TV, never have, don’t like interacting with people, dislike fairgrounds and have never ventured outside the British isles and probably never will. Like you I’m also a very cautious driver and absolutely detest overtaking.
      I mostly spend my evenings on my own sewing.

      Here’s a thing I’ve learnt over the decades though: one person’s boring is another person’s wild. My best friend admires my total disconnect from the television and the fact we can go months without seeing each other and the friendship doesn’t suffer at all (we live all of 5 miles apart).

      Reply ↓
    17. KateM*

      I don’t like to travel. I don’t like fancy food. If given a choice to go out or stay home, I would really rather stay home. I hate changing lanes on the highway. I have never taken or to my knowledge even seen an illegal drug. I like to read books multiple times. I don’t like roller coasters.

      I listen neither to music nor audiobooks! Until I started to watch TaskMaster I watched all my YouTube videos with sound turned off, and I often put on the transcirpt and read that instead of listening to the video. Hey, I may be more boring than you are!

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        If I were ever to take an illegal drug, it would probably be cocaine, but that’s about as likely as me hanging with coke users on the regular in the first place. Everything descriptive I’ve read about various highs and altered states sound like a lot of trouble, expense, and life wreckage to feel–kinda good?–for about twenty minutes?

        (Obviously I get that different people are wired differently and can have much more of an addictive reaction and so on, but I have the feeling I would be pretty ‘meh’ on the experience.)

        Reply ↓
    18. InkyFingers*

      Aha! If you’re male, you don’t know it but you’re already a member of The Dull Men’s Club!

      The Washington Post recently had a delightful story about it. And there’s a website. If you decide to be a bit adventurous, visit it (from your comfy chair) to read all about them.

      Reply ↓
    19. Redaktorin*

      I’m ostentatiously weird at every opportunity, but you have just described my husband, who is perfect. People who are anything like him are doing just fine.

      Reply ↓
    20. Georgina Sands*

      I am deeply boring for sure. I used to do exciting things in my twenties and now I read about stuff nobody else cares about, play the same video games over and over, and spend the remaining 1/3 of my brain on decorating & organising my house. Though I struggle with audiobooks unless I’m doing something else at the same time

      Reply ↓
    21. GreySuit*

      I’m 24 and apart from a few details, I am similarly deeply boring. I like music- but I only really listen to a few popular groups or songs, and I don’t branch out much after I find something I like. I don’t drive, though I do like to travel, but I have a 9-5 so I only take a few trips a year. On holidays, I spend time with family but we don’t do much. I don’t watch TV or movies much (YouTube is free and has so much interesting material… though I do end up rewatching stuff I like lot.) I have been trying to get out more, but many of the friends I make seem so vibrant! Right now many of them are discussing putting together outfits for upcoming concerts this year. Meanwhile I mostly exist in pajamas and t-shirts I’ve owned since high school; I don’t know the first thing about fashion and only recently did I buy a few new pairs of simple blue jeans since my thighs no longer fit into my old ones.

      It is a bit lonely, which I’ve been struggling with, but for the most part I am happy. I’m very lucky to have what I need.

      Reply ↓
    22. RussianInTexas*

      It’s not that I don’t like many things, but my life is pretty boring nowadays and it’s ok. There are a lot of decidedly non boring things happening in the world that are out of my control, and they are enough for me.
      I also re-read books and rewatch movies and shows, have never taken any illegal drugs, including the one being legal in many states now. I only listen to music while driving, or when early need to concentrate, or as a quite background. I don’t listen to podcasts or audiobooks. I don’t follow or interested in single sport, skim political news, etc.
      Travel just doesn’t happen for various reasons.
      I don’t have issues with lane changing :)

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I don’t get people who refuse to reread books or rewatch TV or movies. I mean, I don’t want to reread/view everything I’ve ever seen, but to me the entire point of a favorite piece of media is wanting to experience it multiple times!

        Reply ↓
        1. Irina*

          This! I’ve kept up weekly reading notes on my blog for 5 years now (6th year starting tomorrow) and I notice that more than half of what I read is rereads.

          Reply ↓
        2. fhqwhgads*

          Yeah, I don’t get people who blanket won’t. But I do have certain things…like some favorites I want to watch on repeat like a 4 year old does. Could just keep rewatching constantly and it’s still a delight. But some things just hit so RIGHT in the moment, I have occasionally loved something so much I never want to watch it again because I want the memory of that experience to sort of stay pristine in a way? But that’s rare.

          Reply ↓
          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I have certain books and shows I limit my re-exeperiences of so they don’t get dulled through overuse, for sure.

            Reply ↓
    24. RagingADHD*

      As someone who was a full adult in my 30s before smart phones existed, possibly the weirdest aspect of the rise of social media and influencer culture is the ubiquity of the sensation that everyone is watching you and the primary driver of one’s preferences and lifestyle is to entertain other people.

      This belief used to be a temporary phase teenagers went through and grew out of. Then it became a business model. Now it seems to be what a lot of people believe is normal for adults.

      Are you bored? If so, try some stuff. Is your life partner bored? Talk about it, work something out.

      If not, who are you boring?

      Reply ↓
      1. Rosyglasses*

        I definitely agree with this. If you aren’t DIY-ing every room in your house to look like a picture perfect magazine cover, or buying the latest accessories for your Stanley water cup, or doing a clothes haul, or buying all new decor, or trying the latest nutrition / exercise / wellness / mindfulness trend – you must not be keeping up. It’s exhausting! And there is (also with the rise of reality TV) this idea that everyone is watching you — but there is also the REALITY of some people watching and filming situations and scenarios so they can have the next trending TikTok or Instagram Reel.

        I’m ever so thankful that I have a wonderful example in my parents and my in-laws of being content with what you have, and not having all the latest chotchkies and doodads.

        I think this is less about being boring and more about being content with in the sphere of your own life without needing to reach for the next “new” thing.

        Reply ↓
        1. Despachito*

          I think this is something we can influence a lot by not following social media and not posting on them.

          “I’m ever so thankful that I have a wonderful example in my parents and my in-laws of being content with what you have, and not having all the latest chotchkies and doodads.”

          I am very happy to have such people in my life too – family and friends, and I am constantly learning from them.

          When I recently commented that I am not on social media, an acquaintance seemed appalled, but that is on them. The idea of publicly revealing my life is beyond me – WHY? I don’t want or need to boast or look nice or inform the whole world and then some about every detail in my life. It is enough that I just live it. I think no one would be interested just like I am not interested in lives of people I don’t know, and maybe I am paranoid but I feel this is feeding some unknown Big Brother and give him a lot of my information for God-knows-what purposes.

          Reply ↓
      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        I’m not on social media (and don’t even watch TV), but when I get a “drive by” look into that whole scene I am SO appalled.
        The concept of a life of substance (how ever you define it, right?) has completely disappeared.

        Reply ↓
    25. Aphrodite*

      I would fall into this category by many people’s standards but I love it. I am very much a homebody. My home is my soul. I traveled to New Zealand once and loved it as I did Europe (and what was Eastern Europe at the time). But I haven’t traveled anywhere in many years and don’t miss it. I don’t want to think about terrorism, don’t want to deal with the awfulness of airlines, passports, official documentation, hassles, ugly encounters in stressful travel situations, angry people and cursing, and so much more. And I am not interested any more. No, home is where all is calm, peaceful, beautiful–I am passionate about curating my home to my perfection. I love my neighborhood. I don’t eat out; I don’t care about fancy food. I feel I have a wide world open to me via the Internet. I don’t own a television but do watch some old movies and television shows online. Plus, the only contempory one: Jeopardy.

      I have a circle of old friends whom I love and a couple new ones who are special. I absolutely love having what some might see as a limited life but I see as rich, fulfilling, peaceful, calm and, honestly, outstanding. It’s a wonderful life. I do things that make a real difference in my own corner of the world–and I can actually see some of the results–and I ignore all the other ugly stuff, never seeing it, hearing about it, or reading about it. I fix what I can, do what I can, and love the heck out of what I can. If that’s boring to many so what? I love it and I love my life.

      Reply ↓
      1. Despachito*

        The second paragraph is exactly how I feel it too.

        I can make a real difference in my immediate surroundings – family, friends. The most important people in my life had very simple lives with no travel or adventures but they were very special for me. And their stories were never boring because they were unique to them. I have nothing against people who love travel and adventures but I do not consider them interesting just for that. Actually, hearing someone talk about their adventures is what can become boring very soon if the person is self-centered or boasting enough and thinks their stories are a godsend to the boring lot at home.

        Reply ↓
    26. goddessoftransitory*

      I am very boring to the world at large, I’m sure. I don’t even have a cell phone! But I recall during our Great Water Heater Incident having the very nice youngsters who worked for the moving company ask if we were “scientists” because of all our books, so perhaps I generate intrigue without knowing it?

      Reply ↓
    27. Morning Reader*

      I’m similar to this although with different particulars. I don’t think of myself as boring, though! With everything I learn from nonfiction audiobooks, I always have something to talk about.
      A little story of when this worked for me recently: I had to attend one of those time share presentations, in which I was repeatedly asked my preferences for vacation destinations, beaches, mountains, theme parks, etc., and could honestly say, I’d really rather stay home. I deflected most of their pitches with honest disinterest. Ultimately I used a classic AAM phrase: it’s just not a good fit.

      Reply ↓
    28. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Hello, my people!

      I am usually quite boring, though my life is occasionally less boring when I set off smoke alarms from my misadventures in trying new recipes. (I hope that doesn’t disqualify me from this group.)

      I bake, read, do crafts, and take photos of pretty places I see during my travels for work. My pets keep me busy with cleaning up their toys, spilled food, and shed hair. I have a small collection of vacuum cleaners–my favorite is the Karcher window vac–and a battery-powered leaf blower for the patio outside.

      Reply ↓
    29. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      What an interesting thread!

      I do worry sometimes that I come off as boring to other folks when we chat.

      I too like to read my favorite books multiple times and like to re-watch favorite tv shows and movies multiple times. I do try to nudge myself to read and watch new things, but it does require a little self-push/activation energy. It requires even more of a push if the new thing is in a genre that I don’t usually favor.

      I like the *idea* of traveling, but when I’m on my own, I don’t actually travel that well and tend to avoid it. I have done better with specific travel companions who are good planners — I’m an awful planner.

      Never did drugs, and if a prescribed med gives me an altered consciousness of any kind, I freak out and panic. If I did try drugs, I’m sure every trip would be a bad trip!

      I’m extra dull now because I am covid cautious, so things that I used to enjoy (eating in a nice restaurant, going to an old movie at an art house, seeing a show) are currently off the table for me.

      All that said, I also think that someone who likes you and is interested in your life will find the minutiae of it interesting anyway. Like if they care enough to find you interesting, then you will be interesting to them no matter what you are or aren’t doing.

      Reply ↓
    30. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      You know, I find the AAM commentariat really interesting, actually, and very much enjoy reading the comments here as part of my weekend ritual! Here we are, feeling like we might possibly be perceived as “boring,” but we’re certainly interesting to each other. : )

      Reply ↓
  12. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I’m looking for suggestions for soothing documentaries I can find online without a lot of different streaming services.

    Two I’ve loved are Secrets of the Castle with Ruth, Peter and Tom, and Canal Boat Diaries with Robbie Cumming.

    With my life chaotic, I’m looking for less destruction, more restoration if you know what I mean.

    Format is not critical — just something that won’t require my reading glasses. So I’d take podcasts, audiobooks and video logs as well.

    Reply ↓
    2. Tradd*

      I believe Apple TV+ is free this weekend for everyone! There is an excellent documentary called The Year the Earth Changed. It’s narrated by David Attenborough. It’s about how nature changed and healed during the first year of covid lockdown. I’ve watched it twice. Lots of animals.

      Reply ↓
    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      Plenty of people who love fancy food and travel a lot are boring AF. It’s what’s on the inside that makes a person interesting.

      Reply ↓
    4. Six Feldspar*

      There’s a series of slow travel documentaries that are essentially just a camera stuck on a train or boat showing the scene as it moves, I found them very soothing. If you google “slow tv” there are some available on youtube.

      There’s also Bamay which is a video series of Australian landscapes from the air, cruising slowly, with some lovely background music (there’s also bits of text coming up now and then giving information about the local First Nations cultures, but it’s a good experience even without reading the text).

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I found one of these slow travel documentaries on YouTube for the railway journey from Inverness to Kyle of Lochalsh. It’s okay. I was trying to find the Michael Palin *Great Railway Journeys of the World* on that journey for you — that was such an inspiring show that I went and did the train trip twice. It was lovely.

        Reply ↓
    5. Flower*

      Not a documentary, but very soothing…the Brownville Food Pantry for deer. It’s an open field where the guy feeds wild deer during the harsh Maine winters. The cameras are on 24/7 but the best time to watch is early morning U.S. Eastern time, when the troughs are filled and the waiting deer come down to eat. Sounds boring, but it’s wonderful and people watch from all over the world. Google Maine deer pantry or Brownville deer pantry.

      Reply ↓
    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I loved A Year on Ice, about spending the winter at the Antarctic research stations. I had never realized there were multiple stations. Also the largest base has a fire department, including dispatchers–there’s this whole practical side to living there that I had never thought about.

      Reply ↓
    8. Turtle Dove*

      Check out Kanopy. If you have a library card with a library that participates, it’s free. I just glanced at their documentaries and found categories for nature and animals. Those may be soothing.

      If you like canal boats, also check out the DownLive channel on YouTube (free too) and search for videos on canal boats. I found those relaxing to watch. You might like his cross-country train trips too.

      Reply ↓
    9. RagingADHD*

      If you can find the TV series Repair Shop, it’s delightful and literally about restoration. There are a lot of interesting visuals, but they describe everything they’re doing, and the story of the person who brought in the piece is an important component.

      I think there are some full episodes on YouTube.

      Reply ↓
    11. Nervous Nellie*

      The free website Tubi has a Live TV tab, and in it you can find 24/7 streaming channels of soothing things. I love the ‘Gardening with Monty Don’ channel, especially when episodes of Secret History of the British Garden is on. The Love Nature channel does great series as well – Orangutan Jungle School, Africa’s Wild Roommates. The BBC Earth channel – oh, boy, just everything on it.

      Reply ↓
  13. Don’t make me come over there*

    Podcast recommendations: I recently started a new job that has a lot of advantages over the most recent ex-job, but also come with a 75-minute commute each way. I’m pretty up-to-date on my favorite podcasts (Ologies, Hidden Brain, Smartless, The Happiness Lab, The Allusionist, Poetry Unbound) but could use a few more to follow. Any suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    3. Puffshroom*

      Ooh I know and like all of your faves except one, so off to look up Smartless! I also like You’re Wrong About (I prefer it with Michael Hobbes who left a few years ago so I’d suggest going right back to the start – its still good without him, just a slightly different creature. And also look at his other podcasts Maintenance Phase and If Books Could Kill), Cautionary Tales (historical events and the lessons we can learn from them), Help Hole (two comedians talking about self help books), No Such Thing as Fish (comedic sharing of interesting facts), The Guilty Feminist, Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel – and if you like history, all the History Hit podcasts (especially Betwixt the Sheets and After Dark), Noble Blood, Legacy and Empire. I’m also totally obsessed with the Blindboy Podcast, but not sure how to describe it – the latest episode was about the quantum physics in Irish mythology, and a couple of my other faves have been about the (genuinely) blood drenched history of Jaffa Cakes and the time he was trapped on a plane with a wasp.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lurker*

        +1 Second this. They are very sarcastic and use a lot of dry humor which may not be for everyone, but I find them hilarious. I’ve also learned a lot about books in the popular culture and the many different ways they can be inaccurate/based on flawed logic or research.

        Reply ↓
        1. Florence Reese*

          If you enjoy Peter’s humor on If Books Could Kill, I also highly recommend his other podcast, 5-4! By its own description, it’s “a podcast about how much the Supreme Court sucks.” He and two other lawyers discuss one Supreme Court case per episode. It can be a heavy pod because of the topics, but their combination of dry humor and compassion for common people makes it a huge win for me. When I still had a long commute it was my go-to on my way home.

          Reply ↓
    6. ThatGirl*

      If you like movies or pop culture, Conan Needs a Friend, You Are Good, and A Cinematic Journey are all interesting to me. You can pick and choose guests or movies that pique your interest.

      Reply ↓
    7. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Third-ing If Books Could Kill and basically any other podcast with Michael Hobbes. We also like Search Engine, where the host answers a different random question each show – some are more interesting than others, but generally pretty entertaining (we were won over by an episode titled ‘How do I discover new music when I’m old and irrelevant?’) And 99% Invisible has a huge back catalogue and I think most people could find at least a few they would enjoy!

      Reply ↓
    8. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      All in the Mind, produced by the Australian Broadcasting Company various topics on psychology, neuroscience, mental health and all things about the mind

      In Our Time, BBC4 podcast on a wide range of topics

      Reply ↓
    9. Bike Walk Barb*

      99% Invisible. The invisible element is design, across myriad realms. Everything from how we ended up with birth control pills in a package that reminds you whether you’ve taken today’s pill to the way snow can be used on a street to illustrate that the street could be narrower, which means there are ways to make it safer and more usable for biking and walking (look for the “sneckdown” episode for that story) to sound design for things like EVs and credit card machines to a history researcher who tries to recreate the smells of ancient cities. So many topics.

      Reply ↓
    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Seconding You’re Dead to Me on interesting deep dives into historical topics, and adding Terrible Lizards for deep dives into dinosaurs and their friends.

      Reply ↓
    11. epicdemiologist*

      Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine by comedian Justin McElroy and his physician wife Dr. Sydnee McElroy. Sometimes more focused on humor, sometimes on serious topics, always interesting. And if you like it, you’re in luck: over 500 episodes!

      Reply ↓
    12. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      My spouse swears by Ty & That Guy, Three Bean Salad, and Inside of You. Probably some others, they love podcasts.

      I rarely listen to podcasts but when I do they tend to be fiction. Midnight Burger is one I started while on a long road trip that I enjoyed.

      Reply ↓
    13. Middle Name Jane*

      How do you feel about true crime podcasts? These are the shows I’ve found to be consistently good quality, no extra chit chat, respectful toward victims and their families, etc.

      Southern Fried True Crime
      Crimelines
      Women & Crime
      Campus Killings
      Killer Psyche
      Mind of a Serial Killer
      True Crime Brewery

      Reply ↓
    14. Atomic Tangerine*

      Anything put out by Freakonomics or Marketplace is good, they both have several. I also really like Adam Grant’s Rethinking podcast.

      Reply ↓
    15. Rosey*

      You and I have similar tastes in podcasts!

      I second some of the other suggestions here of anything with Michael Hobbs (older episodes of You’re Wrong About, If Books Could Kill, and Maintenance Phase) as well as You’re Dead to Me.

      Also:
      – Behind the Bastards (well-researched podcast about the worst people in all of history; not everyone’s cup of tea because it’s very irreverent, but I really like it)

      – Pretendians (about people who pretend to be indigenous and the problems that can cause)

      – Lingthusiasm and the Vocal Fries – two podcasts about linguistics and language. If you like the Allusionist you’ll probably like these two.

      – Answer Me This – Helen Zaltzman’s first podcast, with Olly Mann. It’s defunct now but it was one of the first big podcasts ever. Essentially Helen and Olly answer questions on any topic sent in by the audience. As you can imagine if you know the Allusionist, it’s smart and well researched.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rosey*

        Well! I just went to make sure that Answer Me This’s back catalogue was still available and have discovered that as of two days ago they are BRINGING BACK THE PODCAST! Unsure if it’s a long-term revival or just a few episodes, but this is great news. I really liked that podcast. It’s so interesting, smart, and fun.

        Reply ↓
    18. Fellow Traveller*

      I really love podcasts that involve long conversations which make me think about what it means to be human and how to be better at it, sort of like Hidden Brain and The Happiness Project, but maybe more conversational and longer format. Podcasts that I listen to: On Being (I’m really sad Krista Tippett is no longer producing regular podcast episodes; I always loved listening to the unedited versions of the show.), House Calls with Surgeon General Vivek Murthy (will this continue into the next administration, though?), The Ezra Klein Show, 10% Happier. I also like Moth Story Hour and Finally! A Show About…. Also Empire is fasinating.
      For limited episode podcasts that I found fascinating: Sold a Story, Nice White Parents, Under the Influence with Jo Piazza, and Against the Odds. This latter, every season talks about one perilous situation.

      Reply ↓
    19. KC*

      A couple I haven’t seen listed yet are Articles of Interest (an interesting history of clothing), What Went Wrong (a podcast about troubled movie productions…the ones on Galaxy Quest and Die Hard made me cry, and I laughed so hard at the Ghostbusters one), American Scandal, Slow Burn, and Swindled. If you’ve watched The Good Place, the related podcast is charming (but don’t listen unless you’ve finished season 1, as it has lots of spoilers and it’s a show you won’t want to spoil).

      If you like a miniseries, I liked Into the Depths, Home Cooking, 36 questions, Limetown, Mabel, and Rabbits.

      Reply ↓
    21. Goldfeesh*

      Crime Writers On. They are a podcast that reviews other podcasts and media usually in the crime genre/adjacent. I honestly don’t listen to 85% of what they review but the four hosts are knowledgeable and just a lot of fun to listen to.

      Reply ↓
  14. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What, if anything, do you want to get done this weekend?

    I need to do laundry ahead of my trip.

    Reply ↓
    1. Missy Wright*

      Every time I see your user name I think, oh I should read that again!

      In the spirit of mega-procrastination, I’d like to write some christmas (new years? candlemas?) cards and finally order the last two presents I planned on giving before the postal strike put those intentions on ice.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I guess I should finally grade the stack of papers I brought home and planned to dole out a couple a day during break so I wouldn’t have to crank through them all this weekend. SIGH

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, gotta do that too! We rented a second storage unit in our building, so I need to sort/donate/store some older books.

        Reply ↓
    4. Not Australian*

      A lot of boring scanning and OCR-ing from very old duplicated sources (i.e. for those who have never dealt with duplicators, there are likely to be a lot of ink blots that ‘read’ as letters and have to be corrected afterwards). Luckily this is a once-and-for-all type chore, but it’s not a physically comfortable process and it’s likely to drive me to the verge of insanity. Ugh.

      Reply ↓
    5. KateM*

      I need to do look up something for job1 (put it off from Thursday because husband was having health problems), for job2 I have to prepare an account of what I have done during semester1 and also some ideas about a special week and also for my regular lessons. And I should get some groceries and also celebrate my birthday (seeing as my husband is still wondering whether to call ambulance, not really in mood for that).

      Reply ↓
    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My last day at my current job (before an internal transfer) is Wednesday, so I need to write my farewell message to my teams plus cards to my fellow managers and my boss. (But then I have a four day weekend!)

      Reply ↓
    7. Bibliovore*

      4 loads of unfolded clean laundry to fold and put away. bathrooms to clean. End of the year reports for the thing we don’t talk about now. weeding of the home books. reading of a book for leading a book discussion.

      Reply ↓
    8. Roy G. Biv*

      Clean my office. I have a workstation next to my desk that is currently unusable due to the heap of things on it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Roy G. Biv*

        Must clarify – I am not referring to the place we do not speak of on the weekend. This is the home office crafting station that is heaped beyond use, and needs to be cleaned off before I can begin my next fun project.

        Reply ↓
    9. Girasol*

      My part-time book isn’t gonna write itself, so I’m aiming to revise a short story that’s basically good but not quite right yet.

      Reply ↓
    11. A Girl Named Fred*

      I really need to start the lovey I want to give my SIL for her baby shower next month – if I don’t start it soon, I’m never going to get it done in time. (Still may not get it done in time due to my procrastination, but darn it I want to at least try!!)

      Reply ↓
    12. goddessoftransitory*

      FINALLY got the Christmas decorations put away, so there’s that.

      My stuff is sad: ordering a nice display shelf for my parents’ ashes, and getting some pictures printed for display with them. Also contacting my sister about coming out for Mom’s Mass and services.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        So sorry for your loss, and wishing you peace and comfort as you go through those difficult post-loss tasks.

        Reply ↓
    13. Maestra*

      We need to take down our Christmas decorations. Been putting it off, but I know if we don’t do it this weekend, it’s going to be another week before we take care of things.

      Reply ↓
    14. Atomic Tangerine*

      Take down holiday lights. Was going to on Wednesday, then the news made me decide I needed a few more days with them

      Reply ↓
    15. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I need to set up my 2025 expenses spreadsheet. I’ll copy my 2024 spreadsheet and clear out all the numbers, and will also decide if there’s anything I’d like to do differently this year. Once I’m into recording expenses for January I won’t want to revise it, so this feels moderately important but also tedious, so I’ve been putting it off.

      Reply ↓
    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Not feeling that well, so trying not to push things in terms of fixing up my apartment, but it’d be nice to make a little progress on prepping for the new semester.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also need to change my work password. I hate the mental load of choosing one that I won’t forget!

        Reply ↓
    17. dapfloodle*

      Dreading checking the mail for dumb reasons. Also need to rotate some of my wardrobe since temps are about to drop quite a bit.

      Reply ↓
  15. whittle me this*

    Seeking new hobby ideas!

    As a girl-teen in the 90s, I was filled with envy at my fellow Industrial Arts classmates using equipment like the lathe, drill press, and trim routers while I floundered around hand sanding and suffering under learn-by-watching protocols. It wasn’t until much later that I cottoned on to why I was the only girl still enrolled after three years, and that it might not have been a coincidence that I was always chosen to “be a dear” and fetch the teacher a drink from the teachers’ lounge. But to heck with that! It’s been a quarter century and I think I’ve recovered enough confidence to try again.

    Now I’m looking for a good, hands-on hobby as an entry point into trades-adjacent skill building (I’m not sure how else to describe this? I want to Use Tools and learn how to Build/Fix Things.) I like watching antique machinery restoration videos, have lots of yard and garden space in summer, and dream of a home filled with Simone Giertz-inspired custom touches. I love functional art! I have some experience with things like leather work, weaving, and pottery, so I’d like something that pushes my comfort/skills a bit further.

    I have a modest budget and limited space with poor ventilation (which I think makes stained glass and soldering out of the question?) so I’d love some ideas on where to start. Specific project ideas especially welcome.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      FWIW, I took a great into course on stained glass and the studio lets people rent out bench space after they’re trained. Granted, I live in a major metro area where options like that exist. But don’t only feel limited to your own space. There are “makers spaces” with things like 3d printers or printmaking equipment and probably for things like carpentry, wielding etc.

      Reply ↓
    2. HannahS*

      Definitely safety first. Sometimes, municipalities will offer “how to use tools safely” or beginner woodworking through the Parks and Rec department. It could be a good place to start. You can also ask at a hardware store if someone knows about a good basic power tools safety course.

      Ana White has good guides and tutorials on her website for building quite nice things with a fairly basic setup.

      Reply ↓
    3. Lizabeth*

      Check with your local continuing education classes (usually thro the school systems) to try a new skill. I have tried watercolors (was interesting) and Broadway dancing (fun but I am not THAT coordinated). There is usually a wide range of classes including woodworking. Also check with your local library as well.

      Reply ↓
    4. Fit Farmer*

      Good going! What I’m hearing is that one thing you’re looking for is the practical “shop class” skills that many guys seem to have grown up with, and which someone could with specialization make a career out of in the trades. (Or perhaps “to be the sort of person” who can do such things, has a shop, repairs their own broken things, etc.) I’m sorry you were cut out of this world early on, but becoming a person who can do this sort of stuff is still totally possible. I had more exposure than you did as a teenager, but nothing compared to where I am now after 15 years of farm machinery & building projects and old house repairs.

      It’s slow going, but start small, and confidence & capability builds over the long haul. For example, replace car headlights when they go out–totally basic, but you’ll have done A Repair! Personally, I’ve learned skills in conjunction with things I wanted to build/make/fix — how could your garden, house, life, be better if some piece of wood or metal were in a different shape or place? You can buy a cheap tool (craigslist or even harbor freight) and learn to use it for a basic project you want in your life. Buy a small drill press! Whether or not you have a specific use for it yet, sounds like you’d enjoy having & using a shop machine.

      But it’s hard to learn in a vacuum; best is to learn from others who already have skills, whether by observation or study. If you’re in an urban area, there might be a maker-space type place to join, like a gym membership, and have access to tools (and hopefully people to help). If you’re in a rural area, see if you can find someone who knows someone who wants to show you their shop / machine work, and can help get you out of a bind. Go to farm/tool auctions, if any in your area, just to see stuff. Heck, you could buy OLD small appliances (like a toaster, old so it’s made of metal & screws & identifiable, de-constructable parts) and take them apart to see how they work, and see if you can get them together again so it still works.

      There are woodworking stores that have classes, and possibly local rec center classes, to teach complete beginners how to build a table, use a lathe, etc, which come with communities of (hopefully) helpful people. Standalone classes aren’t cheap, but it’s the way as an adult to get the sort of thing your compatriots got in shop class, and it’d be a good way in. Wood lathe work might be a good match: small space, fewer tools to learn & buy (take a wood turning class), some sort of tangible beautiful/useful products. As capability grows, you’ll want to do new things just out of reach, acquiring new skills & tools. Woodwork is a common hobby, with tons of possibility. It doesn’t have to be giant stuff; I know someone who makes tiny beautiful perfectly-made little wooden boxes. If you want to go the true trades route, community colleges often have courses on plumbing, electrical, welding, etc (~$600 in my area). A mixed bag, but its out there. You could take a welding course — even if you never plan to use the skill, it’d be a way to immediately be in a pretty serious Tool Using environment. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’m old enough that girls weren’t allowed to take shop when I was in school. Our local community college offers a number of courses that teach you how to make various things. A friend has taken wood-turning. My husband learned how to use the laser cutter. They have a well-equipped MakerSpace and want people to use it!

      Community MakerSpaces are another great resource to learn and then do the thing without having to own or house the tools. And the Big Box Home Improvement stores offer how-to-do-it workshops.

      My husband is very good with tools – in the summer of 2020 he built a shed in our backyard that is basically a small house. He learned how to set the windows and shingle the roof from YouTube and was confident because he was already comfortable with his carpentry skills.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ashley*

      Habitat for Humanity can be great for learning skills like this if you have a good local chapter. The upsides are you don’t spend money on tools or materials while you get a feel for it all.
      As you do start to build tools two things that I found are important. One the kreg pocket hole jig is option. When you start picking battery tools do your research and pick a brand and stick with it. Batteries and chargers are expensive so going with a brand makes adding tools much easier.
      I have found some great small inspiration projects from This Old House / Ask Thid Old House Website.

      Reply ↓
    7. Qwerty*

      Search for a maker space in your area! Two of the three in my area offer classes. It’s partly safety, partly to get new members. They usually have multiple membership tiers from day passes to monthly passes, as well as events where you can mingle with other members.

      Some charities might also be a good way to get tools experience – I loved my volunteer day with Sleep in Heavenly Peace building beds because I spent the day on the mill. Other people were using power tools, saws, staining the furniture, etc.

      Reply ↓
    8. epicdemiologist*

      Checking in with an off-the-wall suggestion: I learned to use tools by volunteering to build and strike sets at my local community theater. (Depending on the theater, they may also build props, do metalwork, etc.) Be sure to ask around–theaters vary hugely in their skill level and attitudes towards safety.

      Reply ↓
    9. Angstrom*

      Learning basic electricity/electronics only needs a tabletop. There are a lot of kits that can help you get started. A good first project might be adding LED strip lights to shelves or cabinets.
      Working on a bicycle is a good way to get familiar with basic mechanical stuff. Bike clubs or shops often have classes on basic maintainance and repair.
      Wood turning with a small tabletop lathe?

      Reply ↓
    10. Cacofonix*

      I’m a hobby woodworker who is getting more into hand tools and precision so that I can go to the shop to use the power tools, but have my own small space at home that I can use to do finishing work, make smaller items using chisels, saws and planers that require minimal or no sanding (aka dust). Took a hand tools course and later a Japanese joinery course while on a vacation to Japan.

      Going smaller because I anticipate having to give up more of my power tools in the next decade to move in a smaller home.

      Reply ↓
    11. Angstrom*

      Part of Fixing Things is Knowing How Stuff Works. A fun way to broaden your knowledge is David MaCaulay’s “The Way Things Work”(or sequels. Check library or buy used). Much more fun than adult books, and he does a great job explaining and illustrating.

      Reply ↓
    12. Cat Wrangler*

      Check out Mercury Stardust, aka the Trans Handy Ma’am, who makes videos to help people learn basic home repairs. ‘You’re worth the time to learn a new skill!’

      Reply ↓
  16. Data plans*

    How much cell phone data do you use per month?

    Spouse and I have only used PAYG talk-and-text plans up to now, but the conversion to RCS is forcing us to get a plan with data. I have no idea how to estimate our needs when we’ve never had it before.

    Spouse thinks phones are a nuisance, and only uses his if he needs AAA or is in a traffic jam. I use mine at home on WiFi to browse the web, but very little when I’m on the go.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have used 53 gigs since mid September, which seems weirdly high until I remember that I went on vacation twice in that timeframe and didn’t bother to join the resort wifi instead of using my unlimited data.

      Reply ↓
    2. Alex*

      I have Ting, which charges by the gig. I typically don’t go over 1 gig unless I do a lot of traveling and using my maps. I don’t think I’ve ever gone over 1 gig.

      I do make sure to disable cell data for unnecessary items and I use my music in download mode when not on wifi.

      Reply ↓
    3. AcademiaNut*

      I’m a fairly low volume user; I use about a gig a month. I mostly use google translate, bus schedules, messaging apps and occasionally reading newspaper articles while on the bus. I do use more when on vacation, with things like maps, googling stuff, audio guides at museums, bird watching apps, and all the travel apps.

      Make sure to set the phone so it does things like updating apps while on wifi not data.

      Reply ↓
    4. Tradd*

      I don’t even know. I have a Verizon Ultimate Unlimited plan. I stream audio all day long at work and in the car, too. On home internet when home.

      I use a lot, but I don’t steam a lot of video, which really runs it up.

      Reply ↓
    5. Writerling*

      Depends if I’m out and about a lot (when I go the city) or not, but my plan goes up to 3.5GB so I’ve never exceeded that, I think once I was over 2GB? Social media and video/music streaming tend to suck the most data so typically avoid those when not on wifi.

      If you don’t watch videos or do a lot of web browsing, and it sounds like you don’t, I’d say you’d be fine with 2-3GB a month to use the occasional maps and transit apps. I had a 1GB plan a few years ago and that sufficed, I was very adamant about turning my data on and off while I was out though so maybe a touch too stressful to recommend, leeway is always best, just in case.

      Reply ↓
      1. Roland*

        Or am I misunderstanding and you don’t use data at all right now? If it hasn’t bothered you, then just go with the smallest amount offered by the provider you’re interested in. You can always increase it if you want.

        Reply ↓
    7. Janne*

      I use 1-2 GB a month depending on how often the Wi-Fi on the train works. If it works, I use that, and then I use less cell phone data. I make sure to not watch any videos on mobile data and I have set messaging apps (WhatsApp, Signal) so that they only download pictures when I’m on Wi-Fi. I have a YouTube Premium account which allows me to download some music for when I’m not on Wi-Fi.

      When I had a 1 GB plan, I was more careful about not doing too much internet stuff when on cell phone data, which means mostly ignoring my phone except if I need it to navigate or to look up public transport.

      An offline maps app is always a good idea, even if you have mobile data. In my experience, the places you get lost the most easily are also the places with the worst cell phone reception. I use the OsmAnd app and have downloaded the provinces of my country and the neighboring country that I visit most often. It helps me out of trouble at least every month. But that’s also because I go hiking and cycling a lot, which creates a lot of opportunities to get lost!

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        An offline maps app is always a good idea, even if you have mobile data. In my experience, the places you get lost the most easily are also the places with the worst cell phone reception.

        Having off line maps is good. But the reality is that you should not need to have good cell data for mapping – GPS works pretty well without it. I don’t remember that last time I saw a phone without GPS capacity. I’ve actually had to use my phone for GPS without any data capacity.

        Of course, there are also areas where GPS signal also leaves something to be desired, and for people who go to those places, downloadable maps are pretty much a necessity.

        Reply ↓
    8. Ashley*

      Videos and FaceTime use more data so it depends on if you get those calls away from wi-fi. Maps use some but not much. If I want to save data I set my fun apps to wi-fi only and keep apps like maps and the grocery store app on cell data.
      Consumer Cellular has a plan for 1gb a month and bumps you automatically if you go over which is nice while you adjust or have a heavy travel month.

      Reply ↓
    9. Gudrid The Well-Traveled*

      My family of 3 easily stays under the 3 gig limit for our plan unless we’re traveling. If you have WiFi in your home, you can set the phone to WiFi only and switch to data when you need it. You can download music, articles, and podcasts so you’re not streaming and many games don’t require a connection either. I’d say buy the lowest plan possible and see how you do.

      Reply ↓
    10. office hobbit*

      I usually use well under a gig per month (usually under half a gig and sometimes a quarter), but that can go up quickly if I unexpectedly need to do a lot of internet-ing on my phone when I’m out. I usually keep my data turned off and turn it on just when I need it. I don’t use live maps navigation or stream music or video. Usually if I use data, I’m checking a specific thing online that I need to know right then, or I’m killing time by reading a website I know will have low data usage (like AAM), or I’m messaging friends on our internet based group chat (which can sometimes have unexpectedly high data usage if someone shares a lot of photos).

      If a gig is the lowest option, I think that would be plenty for you. If there are lower options than that, I’d consider 250 or 500mb but I’d look at what happens if you exceed that amount. If there’s a big fee for exceeding a small amount, it may be better to sign up for the medium amount in the first place.

      Your phone should also have settings to warn you when you’ve used a certain amount of data, or to shut off your data when you reach a limit. Mine sometimes warns me after the fact, though (I’ll get the alert several hours later).

      Also, definitely go into your phone’s settings and enable all the data saving options. There should be options like download only on wifi, don’t autoplay on data, etc. You can find more by googling your phone brand and operating system. If you have an ad blocker, that will also save you from internet ads using a lot of your data.

      Reply ↓
    11. Observer*

      Spouse thinks phones are a nuisance, and only uses his if he needs AAA or is in a traffic jam. I use mine at home on WiFi to browse the web, but very little when I’m on the go

      If all you need is RCS, then get the lowest plan you can get, to start with. Just do yourself a favor and do not get something that locks you in for more than 3 months. 3 months will be enough time for you to see how much you actually use. Als0, enough time to let you see if there are actually other uses that you might find genuinely useful if you have a larger plan.

      Keep in mind that a lot of people really, really don’t need a lot of data, especially if they tend to use wifi. And I do mean even people who really do use their phones a fair bit. Even apps like WhatsApp can really “sip” data, especially if you set yourself up to conserve cell data (eg you can tell it to not download audio, video or photos unless you are on wifi or you explicitly tell it to do so.)

      Reply ↓
    12. RagingADHD*

      Our household plan has a “pool” of 1 gig per person. As long as everyone has their settings correct to default to wifi and not stream/ download apps on data without asking, we never go over unless we’re traveling.

      However, we have had some expensive months when someone or other’s settings got messed up.

      Reply ↓
  17. Professor Plum*

    Seeds! Glorious seeds that grow into nutritious and delicious food and beautiful flowers once springtime hits. What are your favorite sources to buy/acquire seeds?

    I recently discovered freeheirloomseeds (dot) org. It’s a grassroots effort that gives seeds for a donation to cover shipping costs. They have some very specific instructions to follow, but I’m eagerly awaiting my first delivery from them for plants to grow in my Aerogardens.

    Reply ↓
    1. Missy Wright*

      Seed sharing is rewarding and fun, especially if you can plan with friends ahead of time to cover more (seed) bases.

      Nativeseeds (dot) org is one of my favs; they’re a nonprofit with an awesome Native American Seed Share that gives free seeds to local Indigenous communities, a seed bank, and a great selection especially if you live in a drier climate.

      Westcoastseeds (dot) com has a wider selection, catering to move diverse climates while still selling a lot of cool and fun heirloom varieties.

      I highly recommend steering away from Baker Creek (rareseeds (dot) com) due to sloppy GMO practices, christian dominionism and/or racism, depending on whichever you find more objectionable.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Oh my. I have a Baker Creek catalog and didn’t know this about them. Did a little checking to find some sources on your points and I’ll be looking at the others you recommend. I’m in a wetter area (western WA) so the Native Seeds folks aren’t aiming at my climate conditions; if anyone knows of others focused on that kind of growing area, please add to the list of recommended seed sources. I’m interested in growing food and providing native habitat for pollinators.

        Reply ↓
        1. MissB*

          I buy all sorts of seeds from across the country and even out of country. I pay attention to maturity dates and how much heat a plant needs when making my seed selections but other than that, I find that a lot of stuff will grow. But finding local seed companies may be best to get varieties that grow well locally.

          Adaptive seeds and territorial seeds may be two options for you. I’m in the rainy PNW zone 8b.

          From adaptive, I like their Aurora tomato. Reliable even in cooler summers.

          I also like their goldini summer squash. It is pretty much the only summer squash that I’ll dehydrate to use in winter (mostly in soups).

          Territorial has many seeds that I like, but I tend to stick to Nova tomatoes (a sauce tomato) as it doesn’t get blossom end rot and isn’t as finicky as San Marzano types. The end is a bit too pointy for freezing whole, lol. I trim it off if bagging them up.

          Territorial also carries mexicana, which is a gray zucchini. Again, seems super reliable in our climate.

          I also grow their fireball pepper for hot sauce, but it doesn’t seem to be in their catalog this year.

          I grew a ton of seeds from Baker Creek before I figured out their values don’t align. Sad. I did grow their rampicante squash and it was amazing. I’m betting it’s available elsewhere. It’s a winter and a summer squash, depending on when you harvest it. Supposedly stores at room temp for up to a year. I have one sitting in my heated basement this winter, and I intend to try it in May. I don’t really have cold storage options so I’m eager to see how it stores.

          Heirloom seedhouse is a small seed co, I think out of Portland. I’ve tried some of their seeds, particularly some tomato seeds.

          I’ve also ordered from Nikitovka, which is a Ukrainian seed company. They’re cheap- like $1.25-ish per pack. I’ve had a lot of success growing pretty much everything from them.

          I have no idea where I bought my bush black beans, but I tuck them in everywhere. They’re much easier for me to harvest than pole beans.

          Reply ↓
          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            Thanks for the recommendations. I had a touch of Boston end for this year and it was on the San Marzanos or the other Roma I grew (can’t recall variety) so this is especially good to have. I grew a ridiculous amount of tomatoes from farmers market plants last year and may try some from seeds.

            I want to grow some of the tiny teardrop peppers this year. Had them pickled at a local restaurant and they were so good.

            Reply ↓
            1. MissB*

              I am to the point where I grow everything from seed. I did buy one basil plant last year but everything else was from seed. I’m about to set up my racks inside- hopefully the last year for that as I am getting a greenhouse installed in late spring.

              I think the teardrop peppers are Biquinho Yellow (or Red) Piquillo Peppers! MIgardener has them but I’m sure you can find other sources too. They seem to be all the rage right now. I’m trying them for the first time this year.

              Reply ↓
        2. LBD*

          Westcoastseeds dot com is based south of Vancouver BC, just north of the border with Washington and has loads of great information about gardening, including planting charts for local areas. They definitely understand a rainy mild climate and how to garden in it! They are my favourite seed company, and I keep their seed catalogues as one of my reading options for the nights that I need a bit of extra help to wind down at bedtime!

          Reply ↓
        3. Girasol*

          I’m partial to Pine Tree Seeds (superseeds.com). Their packets are smallish and less expensive than most, and since I have a small garden and want a lot of variety, that suits my needs. They have a big selection and their seeds are always good.

          Reply ↓
      2. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Oof, I didn’t know that about Baker Street. I wound up ordering from Eden Brothers instead this year because they had more of the seeds I wanted, and it was a better experience anyway…shipped so fast compared to my Baker Street order last year which simply never arrived.

        Reply ↓
    2. RedinSC*

      My library has a seed catalog of heirloom regionally appropriate seeds! You check some out and then once you grow your items you let some go to seed to replace them! It’s very cool.

      Reply ↓
      1. HoundMom*

        Turtle Tree had organic seeds for all climates and is non profit. Its Camp Hill Farm employs people who make face employment challenges.

        Reply ↓
    3. Anono-me*

      I order from Prarie Road Organic Seeds. I’m a so so gardener, so I figure it is better to start with hardy good seeds.

      Reply ↓
    4. Hotdog not dog*

      If your area has a garden club, they may also have a website or list of “our favorite seed sources”. Our town’s library also has a seed library and hosts a seed swap (usually in early autumn.) There is a lot of overlap between the library and the garden club here, it’s a small town and our main public garden is in front of the library.

      Reply ↓
    5. is the math right ?*

      My old town’s public library had their own seed library where people could “borrow” seeds. After you planted them, you would save some of the new mature seeds and return to the library. it was nice to get varieties that successfully grow in the local climate.

      Reply ↓
    6. epicdemiologist*

      Seed Savers Exchange! (seedsavers dot org) Their catalog is GORGEOUS, they do have free-seeds programs for schools and community gardens, and they preserve hundreds and hundreds of varieties of open-pollinated, heirloom seeds (plus heirloom White Park cattle and heirloom fruit trees!).

      Reply ↓
    7. dreamofwinter*

      Fedco Seeds is an outstanding company with a lot of Northeast-specific varieties but also a lot of the standards. They label their catalog so that you can choose to support -or not- various sellers and initiatives, and the catalog is full of good info. Also it’s printed on plain newsprint so is extra recyclable/reusable (mine goes into the wood stove).
      Their Trees division is also amazing, particularly if you live in the northeast US or are obsessed with heirloom apples like I am.

      Reply ↓
    8. Pieforbreakfast*

      I live in Western Oregon. I second Territorial Seeds, I’ve had success with pretty much everything I’ve gotten from them. I have bought seedlings as well, you order early and then they send during a designated period,which were fine but in the end I prefer to get those from a local nursery or farmer’s market.

      I’ve also had success with Botanical Interest seeds. They’re out of Colorado but have a wide selection, and I’m kind of a sucker for the nice botanical art on their packets.

      If you’re looking for something different Strictly Medicinal Seeds, out of S. Oregon, offers a selection with a holistic eye for plants and herbs, some unusual, and a more limited vegetable seed selection (I found them looking for heirloom beans). I follow them on FB and have grown to appreciate the owner’s reflections on gardening.

      Reply ↓
    9. Professor Plum*

      I knew this community would have great resources and recommendations. Thanks everyone! Lots to explore now.

      Reply ↓
    10. noncommitally anonymous*

      Thanks for the info about Baker Creek – I had no idea. The biggest downside I had heard was that their germination rates tended to be low.

      I haven’t seen Kitchen Garden Seeds mentioned yet, but I always enjoy their catalogs.

      Reply ↓
    11. The Body Is Round*

      I love seed savers dot org. I soured on Baker Creek after they invited Cliven Bundy as a guest speaker for their spring conference, and again when they advertised a GMO tomato as one of their heirlooms. (I have nothing against a GMO tomato, just their disingenuousness.)

      Reply ↓
    12. BlueWolf*

      I’m in the Mid-Atlantic, so I tend to look at Southern Exposure Seed Exchange (based in Virginia) first because they have a lot of varieties that supposedly do well in our region.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s awesome! A friend of mine makes that catalogue and is guardian of the seeds there. He’d be psyched that you find it useful!

        Reply ↓
        2. BlueWolf*

          That’s amazing! I was just perusing the catalog the other day to start my planning for this season. I will definitely be ordering a few seed packets. I like to try a few new things every year.

          Reply ↓
    14. One of the many librarians*

      Dave’s Garden is a website where gardeners leave reviews of seed companies; I’ve found a few there that I’ve used since. Adaptive’s Thai chilies are reliable in the Pacific Northwest, and in general they’re an excellent company for regionally adapted varieties. Victory has a great selection of dwarf tomatoes (useful if the number of varieties you want to grow exceeds garden space). Pinetree and Territorial have both been mentioned and have been reliable for me. Artistic Gardens / Le Jardin du Gourmet does tiny sampler packets of many varieties of herbs and a few vegetables.

      Reply ↓
    15. Rose is a rose*

      My seed order from the BC Eco Seed Co-op is on the way! They offer vegetable, flower, and herb seeds from a varietyof small farms. I also like Satinflower Nurseries for coastal BC native plants, Salt Spring Seeds for legume, herb, and medicinal plant seeds. If I lived in the eastern U.S. I would try ordering from True Love Seeds in Philadelphia: culturally important, open-pollinated vegetable, flower, and herb seeds. They have a great podcast called Seeds And Their People.

      Reply ↓
    16. Tailored*

      Im not sure it exists anymore, but I used to love sending away to get the the J.L. Hudson, Seedsman catalog in the mail. I still have the 1990 Ethnobotanical Catalog of Seeds.
      They are out of Redwood City California and were mail order , no credit cards no COD pay by chèque or money order or stamps.
      Its a fascinating catalog just to read, let alone order from

      Reply ↓
    17. RagingADHD*

      Southern Exposure Seed Exchange is great for varieties adapted to the hot, humid, disease-prone, clay soil of the Southeast.

      Reply ↓
  18. Silent E*

    The Army Corps of Engineers Portland District has released their cat and dog calendars for 2025! The pictures this year are great, and there are goats in a couple of them, too. Links in a reply.

    Reply ↓
        1. Generic Name*

          I work for a huge company and we have an in house print shop. I think you could print them off at kinkos, though. I’ve seen folks bring in usb drives and you can email the file as well.

          Reply ↓
    4. Falling Diphthong*

      For people looking for a small dose of cheer, I want to rec Sandra Boynton’s Every Day is a Fabulous Holiday calendars.

      Reply ↓
  19. office hobbit*

    Cat lovers of AAM: does anyone have (and like) a cat feeder puzzle that works with wet food or dabs of kitty gogurt? It would be for treats for enrichment, not a whole meal. My boy is smart but lazy, but he’s extremely food motivated, so I thought this might give him some fun!

    Reply ↓
    1. Former Foster*

      Have you seen Lickimats? I used them with my cat when she was a kitten. They were silicone, though, so I had to be careful she didn’t chew through them.

      Reply ↓
      1. office hobbit*

        I’ve seen those, but I guess I thought they were just for slow feeding and would be more annoying to my cat than they would be a fun puzzle. I’ve never tried one, tho!

        Reply ↓
        1. Rainy*

          I’ve used them to distract my pets, but I find them more useful for slowing down the fast eater and letting the slow eater finish her bowl than for enrichment per se.

          Reply ↓
    2. Rainy*

      Have you tried any of the Outward Hound puzzles? Anything with slider, hatch, or switch guard style puzzles will work for a squirt of Churu or a crumb of canned food. The ones that have the big ridged pegs are not ideal for cats, since dogs tend to grab them with their teeth and lift them and they’re pretty firmly seated for cats, but the switch guards, hatches, and sliders all work really well for my cats. I use treats, but as long as the puzzle is non-porous you should be fine using wet food.

      Just be careful, as it does actually teach them to intentionally manipulate whatever sort of mechanism.

      Reply ↓
      1. office hobbit*

        This is good info about the different mechanisms, thank you! Do you find the spaces for treats are big enough for a cat to get at them comfortably?

        Reply ↓
        1. Rainy*

          Oh, yes. Usually they’re about the size of a half-dollar, although I have one puzzle with some sliders and then two big switch cover-style things that are half-spheres and those are bigger.

          Reply ↓
  20. Alex*

    I typically use Overcast for podcasts, but I recently got underwater headphones where you need to upload mp3 files directly to the device, as bluetooth doesn’t work underwater.

    Does anyone know an easy way to get podcasts in mp3 format? Either by somehow extracting them from the overcast app (to my computer–I have to connect my headphones to my computer like a drive) or some other source that has recent podcasts? I haven’t been able to figure it out.

    Reply ↓
    1. crookedglasses*

      I’ve had good luck going directly to the podcasts website and downloading directly from there. It’s been awhile since I’ve done that, so I don’t know how widely that’s still available and option.

      Reply ↓
      2. AcademiaNut*

        If you’re comfortable with command line stuff, the poddl utility (available on GitHub) is a simple open source (Windows, Mac, Linux) tool that lets you do automated downloads of a podcast. That will directly give you the mp3 files, one per episode.

        Reply ↓
    2. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I just had to figure out how to this! Find the RSS feed for the podcast (I’ll be honest–I don’t know exactly what that literally is, but it doesn’t matter, justgoogle the podcast name and “rss feed”), and you’ll then have a list of episodes. Then click on the three dots next to an episode, and choose “download.”

      Reply ↓
  21. Glitching Robot*

    I am looking for cozy and/or funny sci-fi in any media. I’ve been listening to the podcast Travelling Light and recently visited the very trippy exhibit Meow Wolf (specifically the one in Denver); they are what are making me look for sci-fi that doesn’t break my brain too much and is on the lighter side.

    Some other titles I’ve seen in this genre/ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (books and movie), The Orville (show), Floating Hotel (book), and Psalm for the Wild Built (books). Any other recommendations would be appreciated!

    Reply ↓
    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      The Wayfarer series by Becky Chambers would also fit as cozy sci-fi, if you haven’t read those yet! And if you’ve never watched Firefly, I’d also recommend that (some episodes are heavier and the movie (Serenity) is definitely more intense, but in general I’d say the series is pretty comedic!)

      Reply ↓
      1. RC*

        Yes, anything Becky Chambers, although sounds like you’re already halfway there. I also like John Scalzi’s stuff, although I’d lean towards his later stuff (have circled back to Old Man’s War lately and it’s… still funny and generally enjoyable, but maybe unsurprisingly is too war-y for my particular tastes. I liked Redshirts, Lock In/Head On, Kaiju Preservation Society, and Starter Villain off the top of my head).

        Reply ↓
    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      The Last Gifts of the Universe by Rory August is sort of cozy. Who can resist a cat with its own spacesuit?

      Reply ↓
    5. Forensic13*

      It has some less cozy sections, but The Golden Globe by Jim Varley is one of my all-time favorite books. A down-on-his-luck actor hustles in a future version of our galaxy, surviving by acting in bit parts in seedy theaters, performing Punch and Judy shows for the public, and perhaps also occasionally conning rich people who won’t even miss the money.

      But he may have chosen the wrong mark, because our hero soon has to flee across planets, and moons (Earth was mysteriously destroyed centuries ago). Worse, the past he was already hiding from comes crashing back to haunt him. A past in which he was a famous child star. . .

      Reply ↓
    7. Pocket Mouse*

      The Stainless Steel Rat series by Harry Harrison may be up your alley, I remember being amused at points. Caveat: it’s been multiple decades since I’ve read them and many more decades since they were written, so I can’t promise they’ve stood the test of time.

      Reply ↓
    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      books or audiobooks: John Scalzi writes some very funny scifi, especially Fuzzy Nation, Redshirts, and Starter Villain.

      Reply ↓
    9. Reba*

      The Jasper Fforde Thursday Next series. There is violence but the books are funny and definitely light overall.

      Some, not all, Connie Willis books and stories. To Say Nothing of the Dog is classic, and she has some kind of “screwball rom-com” novels Bellwether, Crosstalk, Road to Roswell and others.

      Reply ↓
    10. Rick Tq*

      Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series may be right up your alley. The series started with a pastiche of sword-and-sorcery novels but evolved into something much more profound.

      “Guards, Guards” is a good entry point, it has one scene that makes me laugh every time I read it. Several of the books have been made in to animated and live-action movies too.

      Reply ↓
    11. SC*

      SciFi comedy is a fav genre. Here are some book suggestions not yet mentioned

      Author: Neve Maslakovic — I believe the Feline Affair novella is free on kindle. A lot like Connie Willis’s Oxford time travel series, but lighter.

      Max and the Multiverse series by Zachry Wheeler — Max hops to a different parallel multiverse every time he falls asleep. Silliness and adventures abound. Book 1 is free on kindle.

      Space Opera by Catherynne M. Valente — This is written in the style of Douglas Adams and she really nails that. This book felt a bit long, but the witty quirky writing was spot on. About a washed up band that is forced to compete for Earth’s survival in an intergalactic singing competition.

      The Haunting of Gaspard Feeblebunny -John Williams — Cop who meets Death and gets a job helping collect souls who don’t want to go. Silly and fun. Like, over the top silliness that may not be for everyone.

      On earth as it is on television – Emily Jane — Light on the scifi, but it does include cats! Heartwarming story of first contact with aliens.

      Some that were super light and silly:
      –Crazy Foolish Robots by Adeena Mignogna
      –Bob’s Saucer Repair by Jerry Boyd

      Reply ↓
    12. Chaordic One*

      The Sarah Jane Adventures, a Doctor Who spinoff. I love the Doctor, but the show can, at times, get a little dark. The Sarah Jane Adventures was lighter and aimed at a younger audience (children, preteens, and younger teens). The series ended prematurely with the unexpected death of the show’s star, Elisabeth Sladen.

      Reply ↓
    13. Jay*

      As Six Feldspar has already mentioned, Red Dwarf and Futurama are two of the greats. I would recommend the Red Dwarf tv show over the book, by a wide margin. The book is much less fun, much less crazy, and way, WAY less cozy.
      I found Inside Job to be an absolute joy to watch.
      Mulligan, less so, but still fun.
      I don’t know if it counts, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and it’s successor programs RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic are perennial favorites. They all do quite a wide variety of Sci-Fi movies.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nicki Name*

        Seconding MST3K! (But start with season 2, some the earlier episodes where they were still figuring out the best way to do it aren’t very good.)

        Reply ↓
    14. Nicki Name*

      Some light or funny science fiction books:

      Cold Comfort Farm – Really. It’s science fiction. There are videophones.

      Provenance – Set in the Imperial Radch universe but much lighter than the main trilogy.

      Chanur’s Legacy – A followup to Cherryh’s Chanur series, which you don’t need to have read, also much lighter than its main series.

      Reply ↓
    15. Nicki Name*

      Ooh, just remembered one more!

      Changing Planes – Short stories about extradimensional tourism. Ursula K. Le Guin, who has a reputation as a Very Serious author, showing that she isn’t always.

      Reply ↓
    16. Goldfeesh*

      Star Trek’s Lower Decks cartoon. It’s an adult cartoon, fyi, and it’s hilarious. You don’t need to know Star Trek other than you’d be missing out on some jokes.

      Reply ↓
  22. Double A*

    Psalm for the Wild Built is also by Becky Chambers!

    Though I will second the wayfarers recommendation; I’ve read that series but Psalm is on my TBR.

    Also Galaxy Quest (movie) is a cult classic for a reason and way funnier than it has any right to be.

    Reply ↓
  23. My Brain is Exploding*

    I just watched The Six Triple Eight. WOW! Not only a great movie, but an important part of American history. I’m going to delve into more of that history (Charity Adams wrote a book about her experiences).

    Reply ↓
    2. MissB*

      Yep! Really worth the watch.

      Fort Robert E Lee was renamed Fort Gregg-Adams in 2022 to honor (for the first time) two black Americans.

      Reply ↓
    3. Redaktorin*

      I was a little frustrated that the movie intended to show the historic injustices faced by Black women did so in part by pretending antisemitism didn’t exist alongside misogynoir, TBH.

      Reply ↓
  24. Six Feldspar*

    Does anyone do their own traditions around new year?

    After a couple of years it’s now my tradition to:
    – clean the house on NYE
    – mix up some bread dough
    – go watch the last sunset of the year
    – stay up until midnight and go check on the garden/stars when it’s the new year
    – get up to see the first sunrise of the year
    – bake the bread from the old year in the new
    – take an afternoon nap because the sun sets about 9pm, I’m up past midnight and the sun rises about 6am!

    Reply ↓
    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      Ever since I discovered the song “This Year” by the Mountain Goats, I listen to it in the first week of the year. It’s a song about gritting your teeth and being resilient even when things are terrible, and it always makes me feel weirdly hopeful.

      Reply ↓
      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        My late Grandmother always said that you shouldn’t do any washing on New Year’s Day, as you would be washing away your good luck for the year, so I do the same.

        I also have to watch the New Year’s Day concert from Vienna.

        Reply ↓
    2. Qwerty*

      My usual NYE involves
      – Deep cleaning the house
      – Make a special dinner for myself
      – Puzzle + watch Lord of the Rings in the evening
      – Bed by 10pm

      Then I wake up on New Year’s day feeling well rested, happy, and not burdened by housework! I usually do something for myself on New Year’s day like a craft and go back to work feeling in a good mood.

      Reply ↓
    3. Texan In Exile*

      I sort through all the bills and receipts, moving all but the most recent to the “past year” file and moving everything that had been in the “past year” file to the “to be shredded” box. I find it very satisfying.

      Reply ↓
    4. Generic Name*

      I’m impressed that you can stay up until midnight and then wake up for the sunrise! We do fondue on NYE. I do all the courses and I make some melting pot inspired dipping sauces. Takes forever and is tons of fun.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        We’re getting upwards of 15 hours of daylight at this time of year, I think everyone gets a bit overexcited with that much light! This year I got up to watch the sunrise and then went back to bed for a few hours, and I definitely take naps!

        Reply ↓
    5. Girasol*

      Eat pickled herrings in sour cream for luck in the new year. It really works! The jars are too big to eat all in one sitting, so I’m lucky to have leftover herrings to eat for several days.

      Reply ↓
      1. bay scamp*

        We eat blackeyed peas for this reason; I also still have leftovers and will be eating them for lunch at work tomorrow!

        Reply ↓
    6. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      Our tradition is on midnight to be doing what we want to be doing all year. Well, it’s spouse’s tradition so I just go with it. My family of origin’s traditions are to eat badly cooked food I am not fond of so I was happy to ditch theirs and do something else.

      This year we were travelling to a destination wedding, so with our tradition in mind, I planned our trip so we’d be home on the 31st with the cats back home with us so our household could start the new year together.

      Reply ↓
    7. The OG Sleepless*

      I declutter the entire house right after New Year’s, a habit that dates back to the year we were planning to move in a few months and I realized I needed to clearly label the Christmas decorations when I packed them up… that sent me down a rabbit hole of throwing out a bunch of stuff when I got into the attic, and then the closets, and I’ve been doing it ever since. The job of it is tempered a little by my husband’s refusal to declutter any of his stuff, so I have to work around half the stuff I’d like to thin out.

      Reply ↓
  25. Bluebell Brenham*

    New historical things you learned that you can’t believe you’ve never heard of? Just this week I learned about the “Rosenwald schools.” Working w Booker T Washington, Sears founder Julius Rosenwald gave funds to build more than 5,000 schools, shops, and teacher homes in the South meant for Black students in the early 20th century. I took AP history in a Southern US state, I’ve learned various parts of Jewish history, and this was totally new to me! What surprising historical or other new topic did you learn recently?

    Reply ↓
    1. Dark Macadamia*

      The “Christmas Don’t Be Late” song is the origin of Alvin and the Chipmunks – the characters were created just for the song and the first animated show came out three years later.

      Reply ↓
    2. Not Australian*

      That, apparently, Al Capone was responsible for the first expiration dates on milk. The story is that he was a city councilman at the time (???) and his niece became seriously ill through consuming expired milk, so he started lobbying for the expiration date to be made available – and that was the first time an expiration date was applied to a foodstuff in the USA. It’s a bit of a ‘Mussolini made the trains run on time’ thing IMHO, but also quite a conversation stopper!

      Reply ↓
      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Kind of related, that Prohibition was the catalyst for the rise of organized crime here in the US.

        Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      From the book Nexus, that the printing press was a great aid to the European witch hunts. Books on how to identify your local witches and torture them into confessing vastly outsold Copernicus’s work on the structure of the solar system. Part of the author’s theme that having more information does not cause the true information to magically rise to the top.

      Reply ↓
    4. Angstrom*

      The British prison ships in New York harbor during the Revolutionary war. Over 11,000 Americans died on those ships, far more than died in battle.

      Reply ↓
    5. InkyFingers*

      From a recent Smithsonian magazine article, the Blue Creek massacre, where more than 300 Lakota tribe members were slaughtered for no other reason than to feed the ego of an army commander. Why, oh WHY, is Indigenous history not taught in American schools??? (And yes that includes Canada.)

      Reply ↓
    6. allathian*

      A while back I learned that during the three decades between 1860 and 1890, about 25% of all cowboys who made the western expansion possible were Black. This was pretty well ignored in the Westerns that were made starting a decade or so later. (The Great Train Robbery, made in 1903, is considered to be the first feature-length Western.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Dark Macadamia*

        My favorite cowboy fact is how much of the slang is just Spanish with an American accent! Vaquero/buckaroo, vamos/vamoose, lazo/lasso, bronco, pronto, rodeo, desperado.

        Reply ↓
    7. Texan In Exile*

      Despite an entire year of Texas history when I was in 7th grade, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned that the Texans were actually the bad guys in the war for Texas’ independence from Mexico.

      The Mexicans had outlawed slavery.

      The Texans wanted to keep it.

      The Alamo was all about preserving slavery.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        If you haven’t read Forget the Alamo yet, it is a terrific and very enlightening book. You will learn that the “heroes” had some pretty shady stuff in their backstories. Plus lots about the whitewashing done by white ladies afterwards. And about Phil Collins’ collection of dubious Alamo memorabilia.

        Reply ↓
    8. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I got curious what kind of equipment was used to cut rolls of toilet paper in the factories and went down a rabbit hole about the history of toilet paper and the other methods of cleansing used in human history. It’s strangely fascinating.

      Reply ↓
    9. Clisby*

      Yes, at least some of the Rosenwald schools have survived – not as schools, but the buildings are still there. In one of the SC counties next to mine, a Rosenwald school was recently renovated and repurposed as a community center. See info in link.

      One interesting thing about them (to me, at least) was that, via the Booker T. Washington connection, Tuskegee architecture students designed them (I don’t know whether it was a single design, or a few) but the idea was that they already had a plan for how to build this school and the local community had to find an appropriate site.

      Reply ↓
      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        Thank you! I’ve actually tracked down a few books about them and plan to read them in the new year. One book with photos also has at least one touring exhibit. I learned that John Lewis attended a Rosenwald school.

        Reply ↓
        1. Clisby*

          Also, it’s absolutely true that Julius Rosenwald helped pay for the schools. However, the local Black communities contributed, too. That was part of the deal – if the community really wanted the school, they’d chip in. In land, in money, in sweat equity, whatever was required.

          Reply ↓
    11. Mrs. Frisby*

      Ooooh, I just finished a book with an escape from Communist Czechoslovakia on a train and learned it was inspired by an actual escape on a train (eventually called the Freedom Train) where an engineer disabled the emergency brakes and drove through a barrier into Western Germany. I now want to read a book just about this train!

      Reply ↓
    12. The Prettiest Curse*

      When the Soviet authorities gave approval for Andrei Tarkovsky’s film Andrei Rublev to be screened at the 1969 Cannes Film Festival, the only showing they approved was at 4am on the final day of the festival so that it wouldn’t win any prizes. This was because the authorities didn’t approve of the religious themes in the film.

      I’ve seen Andrei Rublev and it’s an incredible masterpiece, but it’s a slow-moving 4-hour biopic, in black and white, of 12th-century painter of Orthodox religious icons and frescoes. Definitely not the kind of film you want to be watching at 4am, even though people on film festival juries tend to be pretty hardy about watching films at weird hours. They must have just sucked it up and drunk a ton of caffeine, because Andrei Rublev won a prize anyway.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        They must have just sucked it up and drunk a ton of caffeine, because Andrei Rublev won a prize anyway.

        I would be willing to bet that the jury members went in with an inclination to judge favorably. Because the people who understood anything about the Communist regime understood that the Soviets were doing this because they knew it was a great film and so they were trying to bury it without anyone realizing what they were doing.

        Reply ↓
        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Yeah, I’m sure that the Soviets trying to suppress the film made the jury members view it more favourably (or just to vote for it without actually watching it at 4am.) I wonder how much they knew about the film in advance of seeing it – they may have known it was positively regarded, but not that it was a masterpiece, just because getting advance word on films made under repressive regimes probably wasn’t easy in the pre-internet era.

          Reply ↓
  26. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread. Urban settings qualify. What critters have you seen or heard?

    I took a walk with a friend along the bay and we saw two harbor porpoises. So special!

    Reply ↓
    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      Part of why it was special is that the porpoises were just offshore from the sidewalk on the shoreline in town, not in a remote place at all.

      Reply ↓
    2. Writerling*

      Love the birds we get around our feeder, cardinals, blue jays, different woodpeckers, titmouse, etc. Housemate saw a fox the other morning, and it reminded me of the young skunk I crossed paths with last year on a walk, we startled each other!

      Reply ↓
    4. LBD*

      We went camping for New Years, on the ocean, and saw sea lions, eagles, ravens, and some tiny little birds hopping in and out of the bushes under the evergreen trees. We heard the sea lions all night, down at the other end of the beach! A few times some of them came down to our end and did some synchronised swimming for us.
      We also saw a raccoon on the beach just beyond our camp fire. One of the group went to make sure the door of the car, just the other side of the campsite, was closed, because raccoon and food and wildlife safety, and when she came back the raccoon had ducked around the group at the fire and was on the picnic table checking out the camp stove!

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Loves me a sea lion! The Seattle Times had a really funny article about the ones at the Ballard Locks a while ago (I can’t link at Place that must Not Be Named, but just google Seattle, sea lions and Ballard)

        Reply ↓
      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        That sounds amazing. I love the photo of the foal that appears with your user name. Although I’ve never had one of my own, I adore horses. Is there a story about that cute foal that you can share?

        Reply ↓
        1. LBD*

          I used to do sort of puppy kindergarten for foals, and 3 day old Little Baby Damien (LBD) put his ears flat back on his neck, bared his gums and tried to bite me when I fitted a teeny halter on him. If he could have figured out how to do it, he would have spun his head around completely, hence the nick name! I laughed at him; he was still wobbly enough that I could have pushed him over! He was also incredibly stubborn, although not too bright. He would duck behind his mama, I would circle around the other way and approach him from the front, he would do surprised Pikachu face, I would halter him. Next day, same routine. Eventually he figured that it was okay.
          Once he decided to trust me, he was the best behaved of ‘my’ foals. Teaching him to stand quietly for grooming? He wouldn’t even shift his weight from one foot to another. We still had our differences with things like allowing his tail to be lifted and handled; he would clamp it down, and he had the strongest back muscles of any horse I handled! But once he learned something, he was so, so good.
          Once, as a yearling (sort of early teen human stage) he tried to jump a fence and misjudged. He tore a gash on his shoulder on a fence post. I got someone to clean it and treat it while I held his lead rope. He stood rock steady, except he leaned forward and pressed his face against my chest, for comfort.
          He loved to gallop full out for 15 minutes or more, and would run any other horse off their feet if they were out together. His usual space was a large shelter with a paddock for exercise but he loved to go out. He wasn’t gelded until he was 4, and there were mares on the property so he could only go out in the field with supervision. We had an agreement: I would get him out for a run every time I was there, and he would cooperate when it came time to come back in. Sometimes he would make me walk to where he was, but he would never walk away from me and often met me halfway. Even in his excitement to run, he would walk politely beside me, and wait for me to release him and give him the command, “Go Play!” before he would take off.
          Sadly, he wasn’t quite fast enough for his job, and was hampered by being small with short legs, barely bigger than a large pony, so he needed a new home. His trainer worked with him a bit and then found him a home with 7 children. So LBD, large pony sized, perfect manners, boundless energy, very athletic, ended up as a family horse.
          Somehow the ones that I have to work harder with take a bigger piece of my heart.

          Reply ↓
    5. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      UK inland and we have an entire family of foxes that hang out and sleep in our back garden during the day.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wow, I am so envious!

        A few years ago, a pair of foxes had a den in my neighbors’ backyard across the street. I would hear them barking to each other at night. Once when I was up late, both parents were standing at different spots on the street, hyper alert, for some time. Coyotes sometimes cruise through her and I’m wondering if there was one nearby.

        The fox family unfortunately chose the one house on our block where the neighbor wasn’t friendly to people or wildlife. A different neighbor told me she deliberately made the yard unwelcoming for the future. He and I were both disappointed.

        Reply ↓
    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Many many ducks on the river for yesterday’s walk.

      Made me think of my beloved herding dog, and his disappointment that ducks seem sort of like sheep, but can fly, so you cannot herd them. (As far as I know he never saw an actual sheep, but attempted to herd golden retrievers, 10 year old boys, etc.)

      Reply ↓
    8. Texan In Exile*

      Merlin is what has made hiking tolerable for me. And a high point was when I heard a bald eagle on Madeline Island (one of the Apostle Islands in Lake Superior).

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        How cool. I’ve never been to the Apostle Islands. I wasn’t an outdoors person when I lived in my home state of Michigan.

        Reply ↓
    9. Zephy*

      Driving into work the other morning, there were two coyotes hanging out in one of our parking lots. One of ’em got a squirrel.

      Reply ↓
    10. Miss Buttons*

      Hubby has been throwing bits of carrots to the rabbits in our backyard. In a few months’ time, they have gone from running away immediately to being willing to approach within about 5 feet of him. And they like the carrots

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        After reading your post, I looked that up to see what happened. I’m glad the child’s injuries weren’t more severe. Yikes indeed!

        Reply ↓
        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Our coyotes are really coy-wolves and are the size of German shepards. They are biga– predators and aren’t as afraid of people as I’d like them to be!
          I’m so glad the child is OK!

          Reply ↓
          1. LBD*

            Too many people that try to coax them or feed them, and then they loose their waryness of humans. Sadly, if they get too bold they are also dangerous, first to humans and then they risk being put down. It really upsets me when people feed wildlife or are careless with garbage and other things.

            Reply ↓
            1. WoodswomanWrites*

              Same. It’s a death sentence for coyotes, bears, etc. when people feed them and they eventually become aggressive toward humans. Even if it’s unintentional, like leaving garbage around, the outcome is sadly the same.

              Reply ↓
    13. Part time lab tech*

      In the backyard sandpit, we see a few galahs, a couple of varieties of dove, Willy wag tails, ravens and ibis, looking for grass seeds from the weeds we whacked in October

      Reply ↓
      1. Travel for Life*

        A fox curled up on my doorstep the other morning. Arrived about 6:00 am, left twice to chase squirrels, returned each time to curl up again and finally trotted away down the sidewalk as casually you please around 8:30.

        Reply ↓
    14. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I saw a pheasant in a meadow when on a bike trip a few days ago.
      As a child, pheasants where very much mediaeval, old-time birds of fairytales to me, that surely went extinct at some point between when those tales supposedly take place and my being a child. Which is why I was completely fascinated the first time I saw one in the flesh and still get a good amount of that fascination now whenever I see one, especially if it’s just out and about in nature.

      Reply ↓
  27. Janne*

    I am going to volunteer at a mud & obstacle race tomorrow. We start at 8:30 and are done at about 16:30 so it’s a full day of standing outside in quite nasty weather: the forecast is 1 degree C, 18 mm rain/snow and 4 BFT wind.

    Fortunately I’m going to be posting at an obstacle quite early in the race, so I don’t think we’ll have to pull freezing athletes out of the race.

    I have a ski jacket, waterproof (softshell) pants, hiking boots with thick wool socks, gloves and a hat.
    Things I am planning to make it more bearable:
    – a thermos with hot tea
    – enough food (they will provide soup, coffee, lunch and snacks, but I will bring some snacks too)
    – an umbrella (will only work if we’re in a less windy spot)
    – spare gloves and hat for when they get wet
    – rain pants on top of my waterproof pants?
    – spare socks?
    – extra space blankets for if participants get in trouble? (though first aid should be close by too)

    Does anyone have any comments or ideas?

    I’ve posted at these kinds of races before, but always in spring or summer. Then it was a case of enough water & sunscreen, which is way easier.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cordelia*

      thermal underwear! long sleeved thermal top and leggings (longjohns – I don’t know if that’s what they are called in the US)
      Also I find hand warmers very effective, especially if you can fit them inside big mittens

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep this is what I get my parents. They make all sorts of different types including some that are rechargeable. When you’re really cold, I find an external source of heat is the only thing that *feels* better. I would bring a lot in case the athletes need some too, especially if there’s any standing around near the end. Having done some of these courses (in better weather!) the adrenaline keeps you going through the race and you don’t notice how wet/muddy you are until you’re standing around for a bit.

        Reply ↓
    3. Dancing Otter*

      Mitten liners (or inner gloves) are not only warm in their own right, but also trap more air between layers to provide additional insulation; and maybe only the outer layer will get wet.

      You didn’t mention a scarf or muffler to keep the cold from getting inside your collar and generally keep your neck warm. (I hate coat hoods that are too loose and funnel the cold air IN. Oh, for a drawstring!) Plus, you can pull a muffler over your lower face if necessary.

      Reply ↓
    4. crookedglasses*

      Seconding the recommendation for thermals and hand/toe warmers! I’ve found that having a good windproof shell can also make all the difference, and it sounds like you’re covered there. Have a good time!

      Reply ↓
      1. Janne*

        I don’t think we’ll be splattered by mud but thanks for thinking about that for me!

        4 BFT is 13-18 mph wind, “moderate breeze” which isn’t too bad (not like it’s a storm) but in open terrain it will make you a lot colder.

        Reply ↓
    6. Janne*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I went out and bought myself waterproof mittens, a multipack of hand warmers, some extra warm socks, a new thermos and a rain poncho (I think that will be more comfortable than holding up an umbrella for 8h).

      I have a thermal longsleeve and will wear extra leggings under my pants. I have a collection of Buff neck scarves so will grab some of those too, thanks for the reminder.

      Reply ↓
    7. WellRed*

      You’re still going to need water. I honestly don’t see the need for rain pants over waterproof pants but extra socks wouldn’t hurt if you don’t have waterproof boots. I question whether the umbrella will get in the way of what it is you are doing. Good luck and please report back!

      Reply ↓
      1. Janne*

        Thanks!

        I’m back so I thought I would let you know how it went.

        The morning started very chilly, with snow and wind. I brought multiple Buffs and they were very useful to keep my face warm in addition to my hat. The only problem is that they get wet very quickly if you put them over your mouth and nose, and I didn’t want to change to dry ones because they are too narrow to go over my hat and jacket hood.

        The Decathlon hand warmers turned out to be the kind of thing that activates if you open the package and put it at 20 degrees C for 10 minutes. So I put them in my pants, which was a bit cold, but worked. The hand warmers might not have been 100% needed (I had good waterproof mittens) but they at least lifted my mood a lot. It’s such a joy, being able to hold two packets of warmth the whole day!

        The rain poncho combined with the waterproof pants kept me dry enough. Only my arms got a bit wet. My hiking boots are not 100% waterproof, so the last hour was uncomfortable. Not too bad.

        The race itself turned out to be a muddy, icy, rainy mess. About 120 out of 330 participants in the long distance actually managed to reach the finish line. I didn’t hear the numbers for the other 1200 participants but it can’t have been much better. (The ones on the long distance are often the best trained.) First aid had 11 vans driving back and forth to shuttle people from the course to a warm room near the finish. And we had a tent and a heater to keep them until another van came. All in all no injuries that I heard of, just a lot of wet and cold people!

        Reply ↓
        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          It sounds like everything went fine for you and as well as it could for the participants. Good to hear.

          Reply ↓
    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Obviously too late this time, but one thing that’s been a game changer for me in muddy field situations is leg gaiters! I have a set of leg gaiters from Outdoor Research, and it’s like wearing an extra pair of pants just up to the knee over your regular pants, and that in turn means that they catch most of the mud splashes and are an easy layer to take off before getting in your car or going inside.

      Reply ↓
  28. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    Something you have/can do that is a minority among the general population?

    I can put a USB cable in the right way round first time pretty much always. Also have heterochromia.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bike Walk Barb*

      I read a joke years ago that fits here.

      “When they bury the inventor of the USB connection they’ll lower the casket slowly into the grave. Then they’ll pick up the casket, turn it over, and lower it again.”

      You have a superpower.

      Reply ↓
    2. Zona the Great*

      Every time I have prepared cheese and crackers since I was a child, I cut up a random number of cheese slices and then go to grab a stack of crackers out of the sleeve and it is ALWAYS the exact number of crackers needed. Not one more, not one less.

      Reply ↓
    4. The OG Sleepless*

      I can spell almost any word. On the rare occasions I haven’t seen the word before, I make a guess and it’s almost always right. Misspellings on signs or in documents jump out at me like they’re on fire. I don’t mean to go through life like this, I just do. My mother says my grandmother was the same way.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        I’m the same way. When I’m learning a new language, I need to see a word written down once and hear it once and I can spell it correctly even if I don’t know what it means. This includes diacritics if I’ve learned how they affect pronunciation.

        To be fair, I’ve never tried to learn a language that doesn’t use the Latin alphabet.

        Reply ↓
    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      if the temperature is above 90°F, and we’re driving in any random small town we havent been in before, I know exactly where their Dairy Queen is. It’s a survival skill.

      Reply ↓
      1. The OG Sleepless*

        My husband and I have figured out where the local liquor store is in small towns, using nothing but logic, many times.

        Reply ↓
    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      A completely useless skill that was a hit with other kids at the time–I can touch my nose with my tongue.

      Reply ↓
        1. Pam Adams*

          As kids, we believed that licking your own elbow would change you from boy to girl or vice versa. You could confirm or deny this!

          Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Pausing the DVD/show at exactly, precisely the right moment to hit particularly hilarious facial expressions/actions onscreen.

      Reply ↓
    8. Just a different redhead*

      I can whistle and sing the same note at the same time (though not necessarily in the same octave). I credit house and purple finches for “teaching” me the general whistle+vocalize combo.

      I have red hair and blue eyes, guess that’s supposed to be fairly rare XD

      Reply ↓
        1. Just a different redhead*

          Nope! Though I am able to write sloppily with my left hand through practice. Uses different muscles from playing the violin and piano. XD When I first tried doing it in my late teens, my left-handed writing looked like my journal entries from 5 years old haha.

          I am a woman on the autism spectrum though. (Not that that’s as rare as made out previously, of course…)

          Reply ↓
    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      This can be for volunteer groups or the place we do not name on weekends, but I can walk into an organization and within 1-2 days, I know exactly who needs to go. And I’m never ever wrong.

      Reply ↓
    12. Nope.*

      Very good sense of direction! I like to drive and did a lot of driving for fun during the pandemic’s early days. I now have a mental map of much of my state, several others I’ve visited and a lot of St Thomas & St John in the USVI. Usually only takes me a trip or two to fully learn the way to an out-of-the-way new place. The weird thing is I’ve been good at this forever, been giving people directions and correcting their mistakes since I was a single-digit aged kid.

      Reply ↓
  29. The Prettiest Curse*

    Largely because I’m wondering if anyone else’s favourite season is winter, please rank the seasons from 1 (your favourite) to 4 (your least favourite).

    Mine:
    1 – Winter
    Pros: Frost and snow are pretty, nothing is as nice as feeling cosy when it’s freezing outside, hot chocolate, unparalleled seasonal excuses for cancelling social engagements.
    Cons: I don’t love the short days. Wearing several layers of thermals gets a bit annoying.

    2 – Autumn
    Pros: Fallen leaves are pretty. The slight chill in the air is somehow very satisfying.
    Cons: Fallen leaves are unpleasant once they’ve turned into a nasty mush/sludge combo. The phrase “leaf peeper”, which sounds a bit creepy even though it’s supposed to be wholesome.

    3. Spring
    Pros: Longer days. Flowers look pretty.
    Cons: My allergies are terrible this time of year.
    I never, ever know what to wear in spring, especially shoe-wise.

    4. Summer
    Pros: Longer days and nicer weather (sometimes, UK summer permitting.) Ice cream.
    Cons: I don’t much enjoy the nicer weather because I burn like a vampire unless I go out in SPF50, hat, sunglasses and long sleeves. Insects love biting me, my allergies also aren’t great in summer and I hate being too hot. Summer is a season that’s much better in theory than in practice.

    I’m really interested to see if there are other winter-loving folk out there!

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Autumn, when the bugs die back. The ideal weather for tromping about.
      2) Spring, when it manages to embody the sun coming back.
      3) Summer: I like the warm but not the hot. Do not like all the bugs at my favorite river/pond hiking locales. Now that I routinely swim for exercise, this is when they take the cover off the pool and so I have to add a long-sleeved hooded swim shirt and sunscreen and consider the weather.
      4) Winter: Not a fan of deep cold, shoveling has gotten to be harder for me. I do really like those quiet snows that outline all the branches.

      Reply ↓
    2. LGP*

      Yes, winter is my favorite! I totally agree with your ranking, and my reasons are basically the same. Although I actually love that it gets dark early; it’s just so cozy! But yeah, I hate summer and heat and the assumption that everyone enjoys it.

      Reply ↓
    3. allathian*

      I don’t really have a favorite season, all of them have their pros and cons.

      Winter: I hate the dark if there’s no snow, but I also don’t like it if it snows more than about 10 cm/4 in at a time. I don’t enjoy shoveling, my husband mostly does it if he’s home, but he travels a lot on business. Thankfully our son’s a great help. I usually enjoy February when the days are noticeably longer, especially when it’s sunny.

      Spring: I never feel as alive as I do when the growing season starts and everything gets greener. That said, my allergies spoil some of the fun. I also hate the muddy season that starts with the thaw in March and continues until mid-April most years.

      Summer: I like it when it’s warm but not too hot to do anything other than sit in the shade outdoors.

      Fall: I enjoy the colorful leaves and the cool, sunny weather we often get in October, but I really don’t enjoy the dark evenings and mornings, or the slippery roads we often get with the freeze-thaw cycle in late fall and early winter.

      Reply ↓
    4. Sloanicota*

      Being from a fairly nasty weather state originally, summer still feels like my favorite; the endless days and the feeling of freedom that’s probably left over from childhood haha. Then spring, then autumn, then winter. But weirdly, I’ve since moved to a state where summers are a lot less pleasant (buggy and humid) so it’s like I have these memories that don’t align with the actual experience haha.

      Reply ↓
    5. Janne*

      1. Summer
      Pros: more reliable (decent to good) weather for mountainbiking, running, hiking etc. Long days so you don’t need a headlamp or bike lights as often. Being able to host a party on my balcony instead of inside the house. Not having to worry about bringing multiple layers, because it doesn’t get too cold, only rainy.
      Cons: during longer periods of heat, my house gets hot inside and it’s hard to sleep. Some trails become too sandy for mountainbiking.

      2. Spring
      Pros: days getting longer, weather getting warmer so less worry about being too cold while doing outdoor sports. Many long weekends and days off because of Christian holidays.
      Cons: it’s usually a very wet season so I can’t use a lot of trails (flooded or too muddy), and other trails are closed off because of animals breeding. My boyfriend has terrible allergies. I feel guilty that I forget to sow vegetables in pots on the balcony, then do it late, then worry about the plants.

      3. Autumn
      Pros: the woods are beautiful, days often still long and warm enough to do lots of things outside. The first frosty mornings are beautiful.
      Cons: often very windy and rainy, sometimes even unsafe to go in the woods or on the dykes.

      4. Winter
      Pros: I like wearing big knit sweaters
      Cons: family always having issues on holidays (this year lots of health problems, with many worries and discussions), it being dark when I leave for work and when I come home, so I don’t see the sun, and even if I go outside, there is no sun (it’s been gloomy for over a month here, we’ve had 2 days of sun I think), having to dress for cold AND rain which is way more difficult than one of these without the others, traffic jams and train outages because of bad weather (storm and/or ice and/or leaves on tracks or roads).

      So nope, sorry, I hate winter!
      If I lived in a place that was cute in winter, instead of just wet, cold and dark, I might love it. But the winter that we’re having is worthless.

      Reply ↓
    6. RussianInTexas*

      1. Fall, the best weather, hurricanes are over, heat is mostly done.
      2. Spring. Things are blooming, the weather is mostly nice, however – allergies.
      3. Winter. The weather is mostly nice, but PTSD from the 2021 freeze with power outages and freezing pipes is real.
      4. Summer. Anyone who ever been on the Gulf Cost in August will understand + hurricanes.

      Reply ↓
    7. Turtle Dove*

      Nice! I especially appreciate “unparalleled seasonal excuses for cancelling social engagements.”

      1. Autumn for nature’s colors that make my heart sing. Cooler temps and corduroy are nice too, and I like raking leaves.
      2. Spring for my mood of hope and renewal, budding trees, bulbs blooming out back, and moderate temps.
      3&4. Hmmm, I think it’s a tie! Summer is too hot for me (and sunscreen’s a pain) and winter too cold. I enjoy both seasons more when I take walks with friends about an hour before sunset.

      Reply ↓
    8. Just a different redhead*

      Yep, I’m a winter person. Seems like at least our basic ranking of seasons is the same XD
      Winter pros: – I like cold weather – it’s true it can get “too cold” but there are easy solutions for that in my situation
      – No bugs
      – Less sun
      – Mostly “normal time” and not “fake time” (DST I mean – I naturally align much better with normal time)
      Cons: – If it’s snowy or freezing-rainy, dangerous driving conditions abound
      – Less birdwatching and plant variety appreciation opportunity

      #2 Autumn
      Pros – The autumn smell in the air, not really sure what makes it, but it’s just a thing
      – Usually tolerable temperatures
      – Leaf colors
      Cons – Bees (which is meant as a non-technical category so including wasps, hornets, yellowjackets, bumblebees, what-have-you) get really angry and scary before they disappear
      – Other bugs (another non-technical category including arachnids and insects) increase their attempts to get into buildings

      #3 Spring
      Pros: – Plants and birds are fun to watch as they grow or return etc.
      Cons: – More and more sun
      – DST is back and it takes me forever to “adjust” to it (or not)
      – If Carolina Wrens decide to nest within one mile and the individual wren singer has concluded morning begins between 3 and 4 am (they are SO LOUD and 2/3 their calls sound like an alarm)
      – If bug eggs got laid somewhere they shouldn’t have, the consequences appear

      #4 Summer
      Pros: – Full foliage of most plants, variety of flowers and fruits etc are fresh, lots of bird calls and seeing baby birds grow into their plumage
      Cons: – I become heatsick at the drop of a hat
      – Too much sun and heat
      – I didn’t want my car in “pollen-coated” color XD
      – All the bugs everywhere all the time

      Reply ↓
    9. My Brain is Exploding*

      1. Fall
      I love the colors, the crispness, the weather, sweaters. I find it energizing. It’s a bit sad, because winter is in the air and the days are getting shorter.
      2. Spring
      Pretty season, but wetter and not crisp.
      3. Winter
      I can deal…dislike the shorter days, like the holidays. HATE ice, though. Also I use copious amounts of body lotion. I lived in ND for a while so I have lots of good winter clothes. I don’t like winter sports.
      4. Summer
      TOO HOT. You could take off all your clothes and still be too hot. Sweating. Pitting out clothes. My legs are crinkly and full of spider veins so I never feel comfortable in shorts. I have to wash my hair too much. The longer days are wasted when it’s 9:00 and still 90 degrees outside with a high humidity; I don’t even want to go out for a walk then.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I hate overheating! I end up cooling off too much, shivering, then getting a nice splitting headache from the internal temp fiddling.

        Reply ↓
      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I especially hate humid summer weather. Summers in the UK never used to be humid, but in the last few years they’ve been getting that way. It’s even less fun than really hot weather and 5 times more sweaty.

        Reply ↓
    10. Kathenus*

      Since I haven’t seen my configuration yet:

      1) Autumn – crisp weather, fall colors
      2) Winter – I’m a four-season and snow person
      3) Spring* – trees and flowers blooming, not overly hot
      4) Summer* – I hate really hot weather

      * – I have lived some places where summers were not as hot (New Hampshire and Washington State) – in these two areas Summer was 3 and Spring 4 (mud/black fly season)

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        Me too! I have come to appreciate parts of summer (tomatoes, stone fruit, washing that dries in like an hour) but it’s definitely fourth place for me. In cold weather I can add layers upon layers but when it’s hot there’s only so many clothes I can take off before I’m not fit to be seen in public…

        Reply ↓
    11. dreamofwinter*

      Hello, yes, I am your people! (In case the username didn’t give that away)
      Currently bummed because while it’s a nice crisp 21F outside, all our snow melted away a few days ago in a warm spell and we won’t have more for at least a week.
      I live in Eastern Maine, so liking (or at least tolerating) winter is pretty helpful.

      Reply ↓
      1. dreamofwinter*

        And I forgot to do my rankings.
        1 – Winter. Pros: snow! Everything is glittery. Nothing feels better than a brisk walk on a 20F windless sunny day. I can hike through the woods more easily. My dog loves snow and I love baking/cooking in the cold season.
        Cons: In Maine winter is the longest season. March can be a bit rough.

        2 – Autumn. Pros: the bugs are dead but everything else still looks great. New England fall color is as good as they say. I like the shorter days and being able to put heavier clothes/blankets on.
        Cons: It’s really short. Some years it feels like it only lasts a few weeks.

        3 – Spring. Pros: by the time spring comes I’m really, really ready to see growing plants. Wildflowers. My chickens start doing crazy things like hatching dozens of chicks.
        cons: it means summer will be here all too soon.

        4 – Summer. Pros: The growing season. Swimming in the lake.
        Cons: The heat and the relentless sunshine. I lived in CA much of my life, where summer was 11.5 months of the year. I’ve had enough summer to last a lifetimes.

        Reply ↓
      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Ahahaha, if you live in Maine, I think you more or less have to like snow. Most of the UK is terrible at dealing with snow (Scotland generally copes okay because they get the coldest weather), because we don’t get large quantities of snow frequently enough to justify investing in the infrastructure to deal with it. Places that get a lot of snow seem to handle it much better than we do!

        Reply ↓
    12. The OG Sleepless*

      1. Summer, an odd choice for someone who lives where the summers are long, humid, and brutal. I know how to work around the heat. It’s when my family can do the most together, it’s time for kayaking, and the long days make me happy.

      2. Fall: the leaves of course! And the aforementioned brutal humid heat is over. It’s the best time for hiking.

      3. Spring: I love the green, the flowers, the feeling of renewed hope, but ugh, it’s always something in spring. The Pollen, and yes where I live it’s practically capitalized. First the pine pollen, then the oak pollen, so thick there are clouds of yellow powder everywhere. And it always seems to be muddy.

      4. Winter: even though it’s short and mild here, the rain and the short days are just dreary. We rarely get snow so the fun part doesn’t generally happen.

      Reply ↓
    13. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      1. Winter
      I love, love, love cold weather and snow. Like, below zero F type of weather. I hate that living in a warmer climate now means I don’t get any of that. It doesn’t feel like the year ever cycles without proper cold weather. Downside is driving in winter really sucks.

      2. Spring
      Temperatures are usually cooler where I live and it’s the time of year I get the new planting done. The area is also chock full of flowers, especially our yard, which we’ve converted to a native wildflower meadow. Cons: 30-40 inches of rain in spring means having a schedule to do things outside is pointless.

      3. Autumn
      Where I am, temps are still pretty warm in autumn so autumn doesn’t really seem to start until December or January. If we get a random cold snap (as in, 40F), the plants get confused when it warms back up and start leafing out as if it’s spring. Fall prepping gardens for spring is complicated because of all the false springs. On the upside, my gardens are still producing tomatoes, strawberries, peppers, and herbs and lots of things are still blooming.

      10. Summer
      Summer doesn’t get to be #4 because surely there’s nicer seasons to slot in for #4-9. Because summer is so much my least favorite season that putting it bottom of a list of four does not explain my loathing of it. It’s so hot even indoors is miserable unless I resign myself to an even higher electric bill. I burn so easily that even the highest sunscreen isn’t enough to protect me so I have to wear long pants and long sleeves outside which just makes being overheated worse. I spend a small fortune on water bills keeping everything alive despite saving rainwater all spring. All the people who think 90+F is nice weather seem to be in charge of annual events so they’re all scheduled at the worst possible time to be outside so I have to choose between never doing anything fun or spending my day not miserable and soaked in sweat.

      Summer is only allowed to return to #4 once I get to move back to a place that has a sensible summer and a proper winter.

      Reply ↓
    14. Aphrodite*

      I love this!

      Favorite by far: Winter. Oh boy. I am so crazy about winter. All that cold and while no snow where I am lots of chill. Every single thing abut this time of the year is so wonderful. I feel so alive!

      Very Close Favorite: Fall. I love the shorter and cooler days. I love the colors and pumpkins and the thought of Thanksgiving dinner. I love sweaters and pants and flannel sheets and blankets. I love, love, love rain and fog and clouds and gray skies.

      Grudging Third: Spring. I loathe this season because it means my favorite, winter, has dneded and the one I loathe, summer, is coming.

      Hate: Summer. I despite heat. Bugs aren’t great either. I tend to stay indoors with air conditioning and closed drapes.

      Reply ↓
    15. Clisby*

      For context, I live in South Carolina, so that’s going to make a difference.

      1. Fall. First, it’s wiping out the absolute hell that is summer here. Seriously, June-Sept. I just retreat into my air-conditioned house and obsessively check the National Hurricane Center site. I cannot think of a single downside to fall in SC. It’s still warm, if you like the beach it’s perfect, the ocean is plenty warm enough to swim up into November and December.
      2. Spring. Aside from setting off my crazy hay fever allergies, the weather is beautiful. Although, you probably don’t want to swim in the ocean. Unless you’re Canadian or something.
      3. Winter. I’m not particularly fond of cold weather, but in SC, it rarely gets down to, say, 20F.
      4. Summer. See #1 for comments on how awful summer is here.

      Reply ↓
      1. Clisby*

        OK, to be fair, I left out the *one* downside of fall, which is that hurricane season is not over until the end of November.

        Reply ↓
    16. goddessoftransitory*

      1) Autumn–the right temperature for sweaters and hot drinks, but not miserably cold. Also the last gasp of nice weather for the most part locally.
      2) Spring–specifically late spring when the warming up/length of days really starts, and lighter clothing isn’t a terrible mistake.
      3) Winter–I like snow when it arrives, but it’s mostly endless drizzly rain and comically short days–it’s not called The Big Dark for no reason. Makes doing chores, errands and such a big hassle and you end up with wet socks for so much of your day.
      4) Summer–love the longer days, but the heat gets worse every year due to climate change and it’s no longer a season, just a stretch of wild fires all over the state with the smoke pollution blanketing the state.

      Reply ↓
    17. fhqwhgads*

      1) Summer: daylight, baseball, two grand slams, swimming
      2) Spring: slightly less daylight, also baseball, one grand slam, not too hot usually
      3) Fall: slightly less daylight, some baseball, not too hot or cold usually
      4) Winter: not enough daylight, no baseball, cold and flu season

      Reply ↓
    18. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      1. Fall – love cool temps best, esp when crisp air makes my nose cold
      2. Spring – bad allergies but emerging sun (while still being cool) plus flowers
      3. Winter – hate the short days but cold is infinitely better than hot
      4. Summer – can’t handle heat, which means anything above 80 max

      Reply ↓
    19. nonprofit director*

      My ranking mostly aligns with yours. I, too, love winter the best.

      1. Winter
      Pros: Cooler weather, though I live in Southern California and it’s not cold enough; Standard Time; darker earlier in the evening and I want to sleep more; cooler and I sleep better.
      Cons: Dark mornings- I think I will die if we switch to year-round Daylight Saving Time and sunrise is even later.

      2. Spring
      Pros: Weather is still cool; mornings gradually become lighter; if we had rain, the hills are green.
      Cons: Summer is coming; Daylight Saving Time begins.

      3. Autumn
      Pros: Winter is coming; evenings are getting darker; Daylight Saving Time will end.
      Cons: It’s still very warm here in the Autumn; there are more wildfires; air quality can be bad.

      4. Summer
      Pros: None that I can think of. Honestly, anything good I can think of is a memory from childhood when summer meant freedom.
      Cons: It’s too hot; there is too much sun for too many hours in the day; it’s become more humid here and it’s becoming so uncomfortable with the high temperatures.

      Reply ↓
  30. Anima*

    I want to explore the Romance book genre more and need recommendations. I read one once, which was closed door, and liked it (it was a romp!). I have no problem with spice, but I do detest abusive relationships. Any recommendations, please?

    Reply ↓
        1. epicdemiologist*

          Also, if you are already a fantasy reader branching out into romance, T. Kingfisher’s paladin romances are a delight (Clockwork Boys and its sequel; the Saint of Steel series; and Swordheart, which is also a fantasy romance but without a paladin as a main character).

          Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I really liked Funny Story and Book Lovers by Emily Henry, which play with tropes of the genre. The first asks what happens to the dumpees when the longtime platonic friends realize “Wait, I’ve been in love with you all along!” The heroine of the second is a career focused NYC-ite who doesn’t want kids, and has been dumped multiple times by boyfriends who went off to a charming e.g. Christmas tree farm and met the daughter of the owners and now they are moving to Vermont. One thing that stood out in both was the care given to developing other relationships: in the first making a friend as an introverted adult, and the second between sisters.

      Reply ↓
    3. GoryDetails*

      I don’t read a lot of romance, and when I do it’s usually M/M (I love Alexis Hall and KJ Charles). But one of my favorite books of any genre is Georgette Heyer’s Cotillion, a Regency romance that plays with the “girls love cads” trope in a delightful fashion – and that wraps up with no fewer than four couples happily paired!

      Reply ↓
      1. SarahKay*

        I love Georgette Heyer’s books. Frederica is my favourite, particularly with the ‘Not licorice, but licence’ scene after the letter from her sister. In fact I’ve just gone and reread that scene now because it always make me laugh.

        Reply ↓
    4. Evvy*

      Sophie Kinsella has always been my #1!! She’s most famous for her Shopaholic books (which do have romance) but I’ve always really liked her standalones. I’ve seen it argued that she is more on the chicklit side of the spectrum (as opposed to romance) because her books are single POV from the woman’s perspective and focus on more than one aspect of the main character’s life, eg. each of her plots will have something to do with the protag’s career, personal life, friends, great-aunt’s restless ghost from the Roaring Twenties (who said that) etc… to an equal degree as the love interest. In some of them the love story is almost incidental and in others it’s the main deal. If not Confessions of a Shopaholic I would start with I’ve Got Your Number (classic meetcute!) or Surprise Me (I love this one because the couple is already married when it begins, which is a fun departure from the vast majority of romance novels that are only about the getting-together part!)

      Reply ↓
      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I love her standalone books! I really love how the protagonist’s career is always part of the story. I always thought the movie Working Girl could have been one of her stories.

        Reply ↓
      2. Anima*

        Oh, I was involved in the production of the German translation one of her books (bookbinding, I heaved the printed paper in the machine that puts the book together and puts a book cover around, then cuts the edges nicely – yes, all one machine). I had to buy one afterwards in a bookstore (wasn’t allowed to take home a mishappen one, of course), – and did not like it at all. :'(
        The books was on the top of the bestseller list for weeks, though. Just not my cup of tea.

        Reply ↓
    5. Victoria, Please*

      I’ve been listening to Mary Balogh’s Survivor’s Club series and Westcott series. They are surprisingly touching. I think they are closed door? There’s always a kissing scene and a bed scene but not the focus. The reader also has a wonderful voice and great voice acting.

      Reply ↓
    6. CityMouse*

      I started reading more Romance after someone gave me Red, White, and Royal Blue and it remains a favorite. I really think the author did an unusually good job of developing the connection between the main characters so their connection is realistic. The surrounding events are a bit wish fulfillment but the main romance is solid.

      Reply ↓
    8. Jackalope*

      In addition to Courtney Milan, whom someone else suggested, I also recommend Tessa Dare’s Girl Meets Duke series. 3 out of 4 of the books are out and I enjoyed them a lot. (Note that book 3 has an abusive relationship but it’s not the romantic relationship, and part of the book is one of the characters learning how to deal with that and get out of it.)

      If you’re into fantasy, my favorite fantasy romance author is Sharon Shinn. I particularly love her Twelve Houses series, which follows the story of 6 close friends who find romantic relationships, but also have one of the best friend groups I’ve ever read about in fiction. The Elemental Blessings series is also a lot of fun and I enjoy the world building. Note that because these are fantasy series, you do want to read them in order.

      There’s also a new-ish genre that I call “witchy romance”, a kind of cozy fantasy romance made of modern-day witches who live in our world but have real magic. My favorite of this sub genre are the Thistle Grove books by Lana Harper. Again, you’ll want to read these in order (with many romance series that doesn’t matter so much).

      Reply ↓
    9. Mephyle*

      Not a big romance reader here, but a selective one. I’ve read a couple books by Jennifer Cruisie, which I can entirely recommend: Anyone But You, and Bet Me. Maybe her other books are just as good, but those are the two I know and find delightful.

      Reply ↓
  31. Snorfle*

    Hello weekend crew, I am seeking some interpersonal advice please…

    A while ago I started a new hobby and joined a local group. I’ve become quite friendly with another member, and we’ve started going for coffee/ walks/ etc outside of the group.

    At first we were getting on very well, but then they started sharing some of their personal views, which are… somewhat objectionable. Mainly anti-immigration, anti-LGBTQ rights- think bathroom bills etc.

    When I’ve (politely) expressed my disagreement, they’ve acknowledged what I’ve had to say, and occasionally said something like ‘oh that’s a good point, I hadn’t realised/ thought of that’, so I guess they’re at least open to a different opinion.

    I don’t want to leave the group as it’s something important to me that I really enjoy, and is set within a relatively small community. I also don’t want to cause tensions, but I really don’t agree with their views and am really disappointed that what seemed like a chance to hang out with someone new has turned into… this?

    I guess I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking here, now that I type it all out. What would you do in this situation?

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t knowingly hang out with people who have expressed anti-LGBT etc sentiments/opinions. Call me woke, echo chamber, whatever, I don’t care. I generally assume people are pro-people until they demonstrate otherwise, so if someone somehow managed to be a racist homophobe but also never let me know about it, I guess we could still be friends? But that seems unlikely. (Except at work where I specifically don’t talk about topics that would result in difficult work relationships. :-P )

      I guess it’s up to you if you’re willing to operate under a “if we don’t talk about it it’s ok” policy; for me, once I know about it I’m done. Just depends on your … comfort zone isn’t quite the right phrase, but I’m not thinking of a better one.

      Reply ↓
      1. MissB*

        This is my tactic too.

        A good friend was over for dinner recently and relayed an interaction they had with a mutual friend the previous week. The mutual friend started some anti-LGBT statements and my friend immediately got up and showed the mutual friend the door. Like immediately. That’s the level of done I aim for.

        Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep, gotta agree. Once people show you who they are, it’s up to you how much you’re willing to seem to agree with (and hanging out with them basically signals to people that you do.)

        Both-siding, the high road, live and let live–they’ve led nowhere but our current morass.

        Reply ↓
    2. Redaktorin*

      The way human beings who are stuck in these systems of hate leave is frequently by forming a nonjudgmental bond with a person like yourself, who understands and repeatedly voices the idea that queer people and immigration are fine.

      On the other hand, it’s very stressful for the person like yourself, and may lead to a situation in which *they* reject *you*. Really depends on how much you can tolerate.

      I wouldn’t advise not talking about it, either way.

      Reply ↓
    3. Cordelia*

      I would probably stay in the group but avoid one-to-one time with this person, and would definitely not hang out with them outside the group any more. I just wouldn’t enjoy their company, knowing what I now know about them and their views.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, I wouldn’t let someone with objectionable views drive me from a group I was otherwise enjoying. I would pull back on my friendship with this person and create a boundary of not being willing to listen to this type of talk, while hopefully also making it clear that I don’t agree with them. Probably no one-on-one time with them, only with the group; perhaps there’s someone else who is a better friend fit. Some people are very patient and don’t mind being the “teacher” but I’m not a good fit for that role personally.

        If necessary, you could try to set a group standard that this isn’t the place for politics (like this exact blog does) or ‘we don’t discuss religion, just knitting,’ or whatever. If nobody backs you up *then* you could start thinking about leaving the group, but I doubt it would come to that.

        Reply ↓
      2. Frieda*

        This – no reason to give up your hobby! But also there’s no reason to be friends with someone whose core values conflict sharply with your own.

        A friendship with someone who is transphobic/homophobic, xenophobic, etc. is also going to cut you off from people whom you presumably support and respect and want in your community, and also from people whose views are aligned with yours. I’m white and cisgender but my family includes POC and queer people and if I were in your hobby group, heard this person being racist, and saw you were friends with them I’d be unlikely to form a friendship with you.

        Reply ↓
    4. Qwerty*

      It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on this potential friendship. You met someone, seemed to click, but after spending more time together you realize you don’t want to keep hanging out. That’s very normal! It usually happens for many more mundane reasons like schedules, not having much in common, different interests or communication styles, etc. but you’ve got something in black and white that says you definitely are not a friend-match for this person.

      Leaving the group to avoid pulling back on a fledging friendship is an extreme reaction. You can stay in the group and focus your socializing with other members.

      Reply ↓
    5. CityMouse*

      I have a LGBT sibling, so I’ll admit my protective big sister instincts get triggered by this but honestly: cause some tension. Speak up and don’t let those sentiments go unchallenged. When you say nothing and continue associating with this person, you’re sending a message that this issue isn’t important enough to you to rock the boat. Is that something you can live with?

      Reply ↓
    6. fhqwhgads*

      You can stick with the group and stop hanging with that person outside the group. I wouldn’t want to be around them at all, but if the point of the group is the hobby, and there are other people who seem OK, then you’d be continuing the hobby and the group despite that person.

      Reply ↓
  32. Retirement Plans*

    I’m planning on retiring in about a year and am making plans for what to do with my time. I realize I have few hobbies! I have plans for activities to volunteer with during the day, but am looking for ideas for handmade crafts to donate to an organization, so I’ll have something to do in the evenings. I’ve considered taking up crocheting to make hats for individuals undergoing chemotherapy.
    Do you have suggestions for activities that don’t take up too much space, are portable and not too challenging to learn? I am left handed, if that makes a difference. Also, can you suggest good organizations to contribute to? All advice is appreciated!

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I appreciated the little hand-made heart-shaped pillow the hospital gave me to go under the arm for radiation treatment; I’d check with your local hospital auxiliary as to whether they have a program for hats, scarves, etc.

      I’d check what in your area offers brief courses as an Introduction To? For example, my local high school extension program offers practical courses on things like remodeling, courses on art, guided nature walks. There’s also an arts organization that does classes.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, there seems to be a couple ways I would tackle this. If you truly don’t care much what you’re making, only that it’s useful, I would start with whatever issues are closest to my heart and find out what they need and who works with them, being prepared to hear that a lot of them only want money, or need logistical/admin type support like Al*son does for the cat rescue more than they need tea cozies or whatever. If you’re engaged with any groups that are charitable you can also so what they do and get involve (my church is focused on clothes and household supplies for immigrants that have been resettled here – so picking up, washing/sorting/folding clothes, delivering clothes). But if you think knitting or something is up your alley and you specifically want to do that, it would be quicker to ask around knitting groups to see if any of them have charitable projects.

      Reply ↓
    3. office hobbit*

      Our local hospital requests knit hats for premie babies! That could be another option. There is also project linus. But I agree with Sloanicota’s comment above.

      Reply ↓
    4. Nitpicker*

      I crochet baby blankets for Project Linus.
      I’m also left handed and I was pleasantly surprised to discover how much instructional material is out on YouTube for lefties.

      Reply ↓
    5. LynnP*

      Are you looking to contribute money, time, or whatever crafts you make?

      Local humane societies always need volunteer time and money.

      Food banks always need time and money.

      Shelters accept knit hats and gloves.

      Nursing homes and hospitals usually take lap blankets.

      Your local school district may have a program for newcomers (adults) to learn conversational English and get questions around community norms answered. If they have the program they will offer training and support. Could also be run by the local library.

      Reply ↓
      1. Retirement Plans*

        Thank you! I’m looking for organizations who would take contributions of handmade items. I have organizations to volunteer my time with, but am looking for a meaningful activity to do in the evenings at home. I would like to make something to donate, and would also appreciate names of other organizations who coordinate these. I’ll look into our local hospital auxiliary to see what they need.

        Reply ↓
    6. Qwerty*

      **Warm Up America has people make blanket squares then sew them into a big blanket. I find this really helpful as my portable craft because squares are small, quick, and can fit in my purse (I used to make them during my morning commute by subway). You can either combine them into a full size blanket, scarf, etc or mail in the squares.

      **Project Linus collects baby blankets and sometimes you can find a drop off location at your local Joanns or Michaels

      **Hospitals / physical rehab centers usually have a group that makes shawls or wheelchair blankets. My grandmother very much appreciated this when she was recovering from some broken bones.

      **Check with local shelters (human and animal), Ronald McDonald house, LGBT youth support centers for their needs

      ** Reach out to local senior centers on if they have anything going on. It might be a different craft than you usually do, but I know some of the centers near me value attendance at their craft project more than the product made. Plus it could be a good way to meet other volunteers (or scout out which centers are viable options if you even needed to move)

      Reply ↓
    7. LBD*

      Hospital auxiliery groups often knit or quilt or sew items for patients or for fundraisers. Check if your local hospital has a group. I used to help put together quilts for a women’s shelter. Other people would piece together the patchwork tops, and we would put the layers together and tie them.
      I know people who work in elementary schools with many low income families. The schools have a closet with a supply of warm gear for kids who forgot their mittens or hats (or coats or boots!) that staff can take for the children.
      Your local library or food bank may have more information about what the needs are in your community, and how people are helping out.
      I hope you find something that brings both you and the recipients joy!

      Reply ↓
  33. ANWF*

    We’ve been house-hunting for a little under two years. We recently made a connection that could be a real opportunity for us.

    My fiance told a new work contact about our search in passing. A couple days later he reached out to give us the contact info of a man who lives in what is basically our ideal house, in our ideal location. The man is older, and has been thinking of downsizing, but doesn’t want to deal wih realtors, listings, etc, so has put off his move. He ok’d giving us his info, and we left him a voicemail on Thursday.

    We plan to try again in about a week if we don’t hear back. Does anyone have any other suggestions? We don’t want to harass the poor guy — thinking about selling and being ready to pull the trigger are two very different things. But we don’t want to miss out either.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bike Walk Barb*

      I tried the direct contact route at one point through your same mechanism of a friend suggesting we contact the children of a woman in their neighborhood who had moved to assisted living. The purchase didn’t work out but we did realize that we’d still want to work with our Realtor (who was already helping us with the house hunt) to make sure all the paperwork was handled correctly for the sale. There’s a lot involved. If you don’t have a Realtor already think about whether you want to handle all that (escrow, title etc.) yourself or work with one.

      The other thing that happened that may not apply here was that our interest made them decide they wanted to list it for the possibility of getting more money out of it.

      Reply ↓
    2. Texan In Exile*

      After my friend Lois died, her husband Tom was all alone in the huge house where they had raised their children. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, but when he did sell the house, it was to some people up the street from him who had left a note in his mailbox saying they had always loved his house and would love to raise their own family there. He wanted the house to go to someone who would love it as much as he and Lois had and I think he even sold it to them without listing it.

      I would write a letter.

      Reply ↓
      1. Disco*

        Yes! A friend of mine wrote a letter to the owners of a house they were bidding on, about the wonderful garden out back and how much they loved it. The seller sold her the house even though the competing bidder had made some attractive extra offers.

        Reply ↓
        1. voluptuousfire*

          I sold my family’s house last summer and one of the bidders wrote me a note about how they loved the house and they could picture their son’s using the back porch as a playroom and all this stuff. To be perfectly honest, that note felt manipulative and disinclined me from considering their bid. It turned out they were also the lowest bidders.

          The couple who bought it are lovely and are doing some really nice renovations on the house and it turns out the husband of the couple grew up four houses down the block. I love that the house is still a family home and it’s a continuation of the neighborhood history.

          Reply ↓
      2. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        I also second the letter. It gives the owner time to think about it. (On a phone call, he would need to respond right away.) Don’t expect the owner to get back to you right away, it could be a few weeks or months as he looks into his next move.

        Just leave your contact info.

        Reply ↓
    3. The OG Sleepless*

      My parents sold their house to someone who knocked on their door. They had a 100 year old house with some unique features and they had always been a little concerned about who in the world would want to buy it when they were ready. 5 or 10 years before they had really planned to sell, someone bought the adjacent farmland and really liked the idea of buying my parents’ house to live in. So they knocked on my parents’ door and just sort of blurted out, “can I buy your house?” My parents had to think about it for a minute but replied, “sure!” They owned some property half a mile away and they cheerfully went and built a new house.

      Reply ↓
  34. Chauncy Gardener*

    Since I love seeing the evolution of language (and know this group tracks that kind of thing), what’s your opinion on “to give” vs “to gift?”
    Any idea where/how the use of gift as a verb originated?

    Reply ↓
    1. Mindset*

      There’s a wider discussion about “verbifying” nouns I think that might play in here. If you think about it, it’s a language shortcut that’s perhaps more efficient than the “correct” construction, so it seems like something that’s very likely to occur multiple times as language evolves.

      Reply ↓
      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        I do understand and appreciate that language changes and evolves as time passes, and many nouns are now used as verbs—and in fact, part of my work includes absorbing and incorporating these evolutions.

        But that tiny sound you hear in the distance is me, standing all by myself in the wilderness, muttering, “No. I don’t care. ‘Impact’ is NOT a verb!”

        Reply ↓
      2. Yankees fans are awesome*

        I wonder if there is a text-sphere relationship, where verifying nouns results from character limits in text- based communication.

        Reply ↓
        1. Observer*

          where verifying nouns results from character limits in text- based communication.

          That’s an interesting thought. But the first appearances of the usage are in the late 1500’s – early 1600’s. That would be an odd time for that particular phenomenon to happen.

          Reply ↓
      3. Nightengale*

        I know in general language takes shortcuts but this one seems to be a longcut

        I gave her a set of scented candles
        I gifted her a set of scented candles

        It does need less conjugation though
        give/gave/given
        gift/gifted/gifted

        Reply ↓
    2. Pocket Mouse*

      I’m not an expert, but I saw it first and still see it most in my local Buy Nothing group. Even in swap groups where items are frequently offered up without cost, I mostly see a different phrase used. I suspect it has to do with the philosophy of Buy Nothing, where everyone has something to offer and everyone has something they’d like to receive, and it’s discouraged to refer to an item’s monetary value, that ‘gifting’ better fits the idea of generosity and joyful transfer of goods among equals, as opposed to ‘giving’ (as in charity) or ‘giving away’ (with connotations of having little value to the current owner).

      Reply ↓
    3. fruit salad*

      I’ve seen this all over the place. It seems unnecessary, but I’m curious how it came about. English has a perfectly good verb that covers the act – gifting is not even a “shortcut” with a smaller number of syllables or otherwise easier.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mindset*

        well, to be fair (and I don’t actually use “gifting” so I’m not defending it) but to “gift” is slightly different than to “give” with the implications of thoughtfulness, deliberation, and something being specially picked out for you to bring you pleasure. It’s certainly misapplied on something like a Buy Nothing, above, but it does have a subtle difference.

        Reply ↓
        1. fruit salad*

          Huh. Gifts so often miss the mark for me that I don’t actually consider that anyone puts much thought into it. Then again, I’m from a culture where giving presents to adults is not really a thing, and even to kids money is a good present, otherwise grandparents do a scattershot approach. It never occurred to me that much thought goes into “gifting”.

          Reply ↓
        2. fhqwhgads*

          Also you can give someone something in a not-gift sense. Gifts are things given in order for the recipient to be the owner. Giving encompasses that as well as things given temporarily. Like “give” in the sense of “hand to”. It’s generally obvious from context whether giving means one or the other, so I don’t really think “gift” as a verb is strictly necessary, but it is nonetheless a subset of giving.

          Reply ↓
    4. Still*

      I don’t love “gifting” because it feels a bit slimy to me: makes me think of companies gifting stuff to influencers, kind of like “unboxing” is the icky commercial equivalent to “opening”.

      But I have to admit that “gifting” has the advantage of being very clear. “Giving” has many uses outside of gift-giving. It can be used for returning items, passing on items from somebody else, lending items, delivering items that have been paid for, etc. It can describe the physical action without specifying the circumstances. Gifting is really clear in comparison.

      This is slightly off-topic but the question reminded me of a home organising video I’ve seen. The woman in the video was clearly a follower of the common organising concept that “everything should have a home”. So instead of “putting” household objects in their new location, she “housed” them. She would house the plates in the cupboard and the coats in the closet… Which I found a bit annoying, but I could get on board with the idea. She was giving those items a new home.

      But soon it became apparent that in her brain, the word “house” had become completely equivalent to the word “put” – by the end of the video she was housing rubbish in the bin and housing the donation bags in her car!

      Reply ↓
    5. ecnaseener*

      I didn’t find anything about where/how it originated, but as for the when, etymonline says 16th century for the verb form. So it’s not new!

      Reply ↓
      1. Lexi Vipond*

        I’ve had a look in the OED, and the early examples are generally with ‘gifted’ in the sense of having been ‘given’ a particular power or skill (by god), rather than giving an object to a person. So the word’s not new, but the main meaning could well have changed more recently.

        Oddly, they do have some slightly later examples with things (although generally transfers of property and funds and so on rather than objects between individuals), and label that sense ‘mainly Scottish’.

        I’m in Scotland, and I thought it was mainly an American usage – I give presents, not gifts, so ‘gifting’ doesn’t occur to me as a word to describe it. So it must be one of those words that have gone wandering round!

        I’m curious about the experience of other people speaking non-US English, though.

        Reply ↓
        1. Lexi Vipond*

          Having let this simmer in my mind for a bit, I wouldn’t be at all surprised by a sign that said that Such-and-such Park was gifted to the town of Place by So-and-so in 1903.

          So apparently I do have a verb ‘to gift’, at least in my passive vocabulary – but it does seem to be more like ‘to donate’ than ‘to give presents’.

          Reply ↓
    7. Observer*

      Any idea where/how the use of gift as a verb originated?

      Well, Merriam-Webster says that the first known use of gifted as a verb is from ~1600. The OED says that the first usage is actually from the late 1500’s and they provide a specific work in which the verb form appears.

      Reply ↓
    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Thanks to everyone for weighing in! I knew this would be a good place to get a variety of opinions. :)

      Reply ↓
  35. Mindset*

    Question for y’all. We’ve talked here before about how people who experience early success in school etc may not develop their perseverance muscles. This is very much me, and I tend to be impatient and give up early when things don’t come as easy as I expect. What are some activities you’ve done that have helped you develop more perseverance? I need something more baby-steps than, like, trying to learn an instrument and spending 30 minutes a day on it for several years. It’s as much about fixing my mindset as the actual activity, and I need to break it down smaller.

    Reply ↓
    1. Still*

      I have the same problem but I’ve been getting better.

      I think it’s possible to create better habits around perseverance. Any time you feel yourself getting frustrated in your daily life, pay attention to that, realise what’s happening, and do the following: a) commit to sticking it out for a little bit longer, and b) ask yourself if the reason you’re not doing well is partially because you’ve skipped some necessary step, like reading the instructions, because you’re too impatient and think it should just come to you naturally.

      In my experience, pretty much any activity will help, as long as I’m doing it while consciously focusing on flexing my perseverance muscles. Going to a dance class and staying until the end even though I’m not getting the moves right and can feel myself getting frustrated. Completing a spinning class even though it’s tough. Looking up the instructions for whatever I might want to do or fix around the house, rather than just trying to wing it (because I’m smart and should be able to figure it out without putting any effort into learning about it first!) Speaking a foreign language I’m not fluent in, even though I’m cringing at every mistake.

      I try to tell myself: I might not be getting much better at this specific task, but at least I’m practicing willpower and unlearning perfectionism, and that’s even more important.

      Reply ↓
    2. Frieda*

      This may not be exactly what you’re envisioning, but you might try learning something fun and new as your practice context for the kind of skill building you need.

      I recently took a community education course from experts in a field that was important for one of my hobbies but outside my own formal education, and whew! some of it was difficult but maybe because the stakes were low (I was just doing it for my own benefit) I ultimately found it very interesting and useful. I liked having classmates and having a clear application for my new skills.

      Somewhat similarly, I’ve picked up a different hobby that was well outside my wheelhouse (it’s really my partner’s thing but I enjoy it) and the training for that has been at times really stressful. (I’ve cried in public about it, to give you an idea.) I’m motivated to get better and we spent some time figuring out what kind of training situation would be best for me – I found I really did not like the typical learning context which was mostly men/a few women, regularly sexist, run by men and for men. One-on-one lessons (also from men, but a different dynamic) were much better.

      So maybe try a couple of different learning situations for yourself: Would a class be fun? Do some friends have a hobby that you could try out? Do you do better when there’s a lot of structure and clear objectives? Do you enjoy a self-challenge situation where you do X thing for Y times a week/month and then earn a prize like a new book or meal out or something?

      There’s something to being able to say “I completed a certificate program” or “I got my license for X” or “I learned to do Y and produced this concrete thing as a result.” It’s a confidence boost.

      Reply ↓
    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I find that having a hobby (in my case, ballet) that you’re not very good at but really enjoy can help, as incremental improvements will be really satisfying and will help you to stick with it.

      Also, any kind of leisure activity where you have a pre-determined end point or deliverable – so, for example, a two-day workshop where you make a specific item, a theatre class where you have to do an end-of-course performance, a writing class where you have to produce a piece of writing etc. I find that paying to do something makes me more likely to see it through to completion.

      Finally, something like a language learning app where you have to use it for a small amount of time every day (I use Duolingo, but there are many others) could also help you to build that habit. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        This is just me being an a*shole, but I struggle with classes and the like because I tend to expect to be good / the best (although I try hard to quash that competitive urge), particularly if I spent money and picked something that seems at all in my wheelhouse. To flex those muscles, it helps to pick something that’s very much not in your wheelhouse and go in with the expectation that you’re just looking to learn more.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          Last year I started taking various classes through parks and rec. Lots of things come easily to me and I deliberately choose things I expected not to excel at to stretch myself in new ways. Great decision, lots of fun, made new acquaintances, with the bonus that I turned out to be decent at improv once I started jumping in instead of hesitating and have continued taking those classes whenever they’re offered. Next round starts end of the month. I’m hoping intro to hula hoop comes back soon too.

          Going in expecting not to be good at it was the key. I changed my expectations of myself so I wouldn’t set myself up for disappointment.

          Reply ↓
          1. Sloanicota*

            Reflecting on this more, I think taking a class is the 201 version of this for me, because being around other people (feeling watched) can trigger that perfectionist urge, as can spending money. The first step is probably something more like what Still writes above, mindfulness in a small private task where nobody is judging. Not that people really are judging most likely, but the sense that they are or might be is probably the origin of a lot of these feelings for me anyway. And the teacher giving approval/disapproval.

            Reply ↓
        2. The Prettiest Curse*

          Last time I did a class, I specifically picked something which was way out of my comfort zone and skill set (stained glass for beginners) because I knew I wouldn’t be brilliant at it and therefore wouldn’t go down the rabbit hole of being competitive. It was a really good class to do because everyone came up with very different designs, but they all still looked great, so we could just appreciate each others’ work. I think it helps if you pick something at which you’re a total beginner, because then you’re more likely to just focus on learning new skills.

          Reply ↓
    4. Dancing Otter*

      Knitting has helped me, I think.
      1. It takes a LOT of stitches to make even a very simple scarf. So, training in patience and persistence BUT visible progress as the object grows. You can progress from the simple scarf to more and more complex techniques and projects.
      2. If you make a mistake, it’s relatively easy to go back to the mistake, and do it over until you get it right. (Unlike, say, sewing or woodworking where a cutting error is permanent.)
      3. If you really mess up, there’s something very satisfying about ripping out the whole bleeping thing to start over entirely. Throwing the yarn across the room is unlikely to cause any damage – obviously, don’t aim at anything fragile.
      4. Low cost of entry: you needn’t make a big investment in tools and materials up front. You can start with a single pair of needles and a big skein of basic worsted yarn. (Some people find “but I spent so much money!” motivating. It just makes me more frustrated.) You can always buy more and fancier after you know if you like the hobby.

      Embroidery is another “start basic and then get more complex” sort of hobby. Perhaps, look at some books from the library about sashiko, cross-stitch or needlepoint. The actual stitches can be very simple, but build up to elaborate patterns. There are small projects like a coaster or mending/embellishing a garment, up to huge.

      There’s been a lot of talk the last few years about “slow stitch” fiber crafts (sewing and embroidery, mostly). Instead of using every possible speedy technique, slowing down and doing things by hand. Does this resonate with your need to develop more perseverance?

      Reply ↓
    5. RagingADHD*

      I think any sort of crafting hobby can be good for this, because you can do small beginner projects that don’t take long, and if you are self-conscious about learning you can do them privately.

      On the other hand, if socializing is a big motivator to you, there are also classes and hobby groups available.

      Reply ↓
    6. Bulu Babi*

      I thought I had that very issue (and hate myself for it) before I discovered it was the combo of gifted child + ADHD. Just something that could be helpful to rule out if standard strategies for habit-forming don’t work for you.

      Reply ↓
    7. One of the many librarians*

      Improv classes are a great place to build comfort with being not-great at things. A good improv class helped me a lot with this, and with being in the moment and listening better. I’ve also taken some art classes (drawing and watercolor) where the assumption is that skill-building takes time and practice and trying different approaches. Comfort with being bad at stuff is important! I found that being able to do a thing less badly over time helped me stick with it.

      I was pretty intentional about searching for something my daughter both loved and needed to work at for success; she tried a few different things and settled on a sport, and it gave her the experience I didn’t have of getting measurably better at a difficult thing with time, effort, and coaching.

      Reply ↓
    8. HannahS*

      I had two moments in university that were real turning points in my attitude–sharing in case it resonates with you.

      I was definitely a perfectionist for a long time, and was a classic gifted kid who didn’t have to work hard to be good at things. The only thing I wasn’t good at was athletics, but I convinced myself that athletics don’t matter while also having deep-set shame about it. Ok.

      So, years later I was a humanities major but in my final year, took some music courses. I successfully auditioned and was accepted in the first or second-year equivalency. I played next to a very talented fourth-year musician. One day, I was really beating up on myself for being so completely inferior to her, and was feeling more than a little resentment and competitiveness. The it hit me that I was being PHENOMENALLY arrogant. The very idea that I should be better or as good as her, who spent four years practicing three hours a day was really disrespectful. Like, I think I’m so great that I should just roll up after half a year of practice and deserve to snap my fingers and be just as good as a graduating music major? Of COURSE she should be better than me. Of COURSE I don’t magically deserve to be good at everything
      As someone who really doesn’t like snobbery and arrogance, my own arrogance really slapped me in the face.

      You know, I think there was this small part of me that didn’t have a problem being rigid and mean to myself–isn’t it actually kind of good and noble to have high standards for yourself? But then realizing that the implication of attitude was minimizing and mean to other people, I found the attitude easier to change.

      The other thing was reading that perfectionism is a form of anxiety. Once I really got that, I felt (as a previously anxious person) that I had a toolbox to address it.

      Reply ↓
      2. picture imperfect*

        I totally get that perfectionism is a symptom of anxiety. But what was in your toolbox to address it?

        Reply ↓
        1. HannahS*

          Oh well I was raised by a mental health professional so I had some good coping skills and self talk. Most of it would be captured by cognitive-behavioral therapy and mindfulness.

          Off the top of my head, realizing that anxiety is disproportionate to the real threat and checking my underlying beliefs (Why do I feel so bad? Is it bad to be bad at something new? What do I believe about myself when I’m not instantly good at things? Is anyone instantly good at everything? Do I think that I have a special right to be instantly good at everything? Don’t I admire diligent people who have self-discipline? And am I not a person who could develop self-discipline?) acknowledging my feelings without amplifying them (“wow, being bad at this makes me feel bad about myself” instead of “this feels bad therefore I AM BAD; this makes me feel stupid therefore I AM STUPID AND EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AT ME”) forcing myself to tolerate anxiety and push forward instead of running away from situations (“I feel nervous and I want to run away from this fitness class but if I take some deep breaths and force myself to go, I’ll probably be glad that I went.”)

          Reply ↓
    9. TPS reporter*

      I like tracking progress in a lot of areas. it gives you various ways to gauge your overall health where you can see progress potentially faster than “shape” (not sure what that means exactly)

      you could for example pick one exercise and track at the beginning of let’s say a 3 month span then again at the end of the 3 months- for example you could track the lbs of weight in a certain lift or run speed or time spent in a plank.

      you could also track health data that is not just weight, like blood pressure, resting heart rate, how much sleep you’re getting.

      or you could do food, like how much water per day, how many veggies you eat, grams of protein.

      Reply ↓
    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Huh. That is very much me too, and I’ve just always rolled with it, like if I’m not picking up something quickly, it is not fun and I don’t want to continue doing it. I haven’t had anything that I didn’t pick up quickly also continue to be fun enough to want to spend my limited time on it, that I can think of. I might need to unpack this in my own mind a bit.

      Reply ↓
    11. Evvy*

      I think what helped me the most was (paradoxically?) giving myself permission to quit if I wanted to, and trying to take the pressure off. Ymmv depending on the root cause of getting frustrated but for me, piling more and more pressure onto myself to persevere harder, not quit, push myself etc. turned every experience where a little effort was necessary into a big honking stress-situation :’) I thought that if I went easy on myself it would make everything worse, but it actually made those hobbies/activities /more/ enjoyable knowing that I didn’t have to force myself to keep going if it was distressing me in the moment, and over the long run that led to me naturally wanting to try more new things and willingly sticking with them for longer. Activities that worked for me practicing this were things like going to a recurring physical activity with friends (rollerskating night, yoga class etc) that I could choose to opt in or out of week by week. Going with friends also tricks my brain into thinking [skill I want to get better at] is also a fun social thing! and thus is ok to be bad at first/not be perfect because time with friends is never wasted :)

      Reply ↓
      1. Mindset*

        These are some good insights, I think this addresses why the usual advice like “just start learning an instrument and practice 30 minutes every day, and you’ll see gradual improvement” was not working for me.

        Reply ↓
    12. Anono-me*

      I have found Dulingo to be helpful in getting into an improved daily diligence mindset that I feel has carried over imto other areas. The commitment each day is small, the ap is conveniently on my phone, the language that I am learning is important to me and the little owl is very naggy.

      Reply ↓
  36. Vacation Spending*

    How much are you willing to spend on a milestone birthday? I have one coming up and there’s some heated discussion in my household about budget.

    We’re doing quite well, make comfortably into the six figures per year, retirement and other savings well funded.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, that’s an interesting way to phrase the question, because while I think the sky is the limit if it’s about checking off something I really want to do, and the birthday is a perfect excuse (example, I have never been to Asia and planned to go for my 40th* – very, very expensive but it’s a life goal so I’m willing to spend what it takes) – it’s not at all just about spending the money to spend the money if it’s not something you’re very passionate about. The point of the milestone birthday to me is to reflect on what you’ve accomplished and what’s important to you to do, and make the birthday the impetus and the sense of time passing to do a bit more of the latter.

      *Covid killed this dream and now I’m trying to convince myself it’s not stupid to go for my, like, 42nd …

      Reply ↓
        1. Falling Diphthong*

          42: The answer to life, the universe, and everything.
          43: A prime number.
          44: A palindrome.
          45: Exactly between two round numbers.

          Reply ↓
    2. Dainty Lady*

      We just bought a piece of original art for mid-four figures for a milestone anniversary. We’ll take an in-country trip to visit dear friends, which will likely run low fours. But we also didn’t get Christmas presents and I’m considering the art my coming milestone birthday present as well. We are similarly situated as you.

      Reply ↓
    3. Pop*

      For our honeymoon, what we decided was we’d do a trip above and beyond our normal level – a little longer, to a more expensive location, and did a splurge or two while we were there. It felt like a treat because it was definitely not the kind of trip we’d take every year, and we’d have a ton of fun! I’d think about a milestone birthday the same way: what would make it a little more special than just a “normal” trip for you all? Obviously this is more general advice rather than a specific dollar amount, but it’s a helpful way to think about it that transcends specific incomes.

      Reply ↓
    5. CityMouse*

      This is really personal, unfortunately. I generally don’t make a big deal out of my birthday, but that’s just me and probably comes from how my family was growing up. If my husband wanted a big birthday celebration, however, it would depend on budget and how much the experience was for the whole family.

      Reply ↓
    6. HannahS*

      My opinion is that money has no inherent moral value, and once you are comfortable I don’t really see value in spending money on one thing over another. What’s it for, after all?

      Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I think it depends on what you’re spending it on and why.

      If it’s for a big trip, say, or a designer dress that you’ve specifically looked at as a goal and really want, then go for it! Life is too short to never do anything you dream of doing.

      If it’s just a general “I guess I need to have a big party because it’s X Milestone” and not related to something you genuinely want to do/have, then it’s time to ask if you’re trying to buy feeling special rather than doing something special that happens to cost XYZ amount.

      Reply ↓
    8. Kay*

      It is more about what you want than the money, as long as you can comfortably afford it. Do you want to throw a massive party with the best champagne money can buy, or do you want to hang out with close friends and crack beers around the fire? Do you want to sail around the Galapagos just the 2 of you, or are you okay with a giant cruise ship? I say figure out what you want to do, then work from there.

      Reply ↓
    9. Nightengale*

      Hmm my last milestone was 40 and I can’t remember if I went out for Chinese food with a few friends or if I visited my mother and she bought me something gooey and chocolatey or if I just made myself a dinner I liked, baked cookies for work and called it even. My next will be 50 and it will probably be one of those things. I guess the visiting my mother would be the most expensive option because that involves plane tickets, but I generally see her over the summer whether it overlaps with my birthday or not.

      So – not much, but I don’t really travel or throw large parties or anything like that.

      Reply ↓
    11. Patty Mayonnaise*

      It’s interesting to me that the budget is coming before the gift/activity you want to spend it on. I personally would chose the gift/activity first and then see how it might fit into the rest of my finances. Would it help your household to start with “here’s what I want to do/get, let’s find a way to make it happen” rather than “what is an acceptable amount to spend on a birthday”?

      Reply ↓
  37. Nervous Nellie*

    A few weeks ago I asked you all here for guidance and advice in replacing my desktop computer, as my old one could not be upgraded from the soon to be unsupported Windows 10. I can’t thank you all enough! In the end it still was a very bumpy setup for the new computer but not for the reasons we all discussed here.

    The Black Friday prices were so low that I had bought a decently fancy gamer desktop, not knowing or understanding that I was trading in my VW Bug for a Ferrari. But….the setup required a DVI cable, something I don’t own and my very whiz-bang monitor doesn’t use. I plugged the computer in and the bonus keyboard and mouse that came with it, turned it on, and they all lit up in strobing rainbows of color – awesome! But the monitor stayed black. A couple of days later, a pal came over, diagnosed it and took me shopping for one. Once that was resolved, I used all of your guidance to create a local account, and then connect to the internet. Now that it’s up and running it’s marvelous.

    This isn’t just an update about my outcome, but a caution to all that the plug and play days of computer switches may be over – always grill the computer store guy on ports and required connectors. The young guy I dealt with was so amused by the idea of this little old lady buying a fancy gamer setup that I doubt it occurred to him to caution me that I might not know what I was getting into. I didn’t, but it sure worked out in the end! Thank you all!

    Reply ↓
      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Sure, but in this case he would have been right. Hah! I wouldn’t have taken offense if he had given me the blow by blow rundown, or if he said anything that suggested he thought I knew nothing – because it’s true. And if he told me something I did actually know, I would cheerfully confirm that. He was fine, and I have a marvelous machine that took a village to start. A happy ending indeed!

        Reply ↓
    3. Observer*

      The young guy I dealt with was so amused by the idea of this little old lady buying a fancy gamer setup that I doubt it occurred to him to caution me that I might not know what I was getting into.

      I also suspect that he’s not as knowledgeable as he thinks. Firstly, it’s a bit uncommon to require a DVI cable with no alternatives. And it’s even more uncommon to actually have a plug for a different connector but be unable to use it on set up.

      Also, in general there are at least 3 common “standards” for video, with one “ancient” fall-back that not all computers have (because “ancient”.) So, whenever someone buys a new computer, especially if they have an older unit, anyone providing advice should bring this up. Even people who are generally reasonably knowledgeable can get confused by this.

      I’m also rather surprised that he didn’t ask you about your monitor because in my experience, if your monitor is as old as an older computer, it often makes sense to upgrade the monitor anyway.

      diagnosed it and took me shopping for one.

      Am I understanding that you got a new monitor?

      In any case, I’m glad you’re up and running!

      Reply ↓
      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Thanks, yeah, I am pleased to be back at it as well. And no, I didn’t need a new monitor, as I already had a rather new one. In addition to two HDMI ports (one of which I was previously using), it has a port for a DVI cable that I would never have noticed. The desktop had the expected HDMI ports and a DVI port. It turned out to require the DVI and only the DVI to be used – maybe it’s a compatibility issue with the monitor? Dunno. I don’t understand a word of it – but I did wrap little stickers around all the cords to label them, and photographed the back of the desktop and of the monitor. If I ever move, I will be able to put it all back together again. Thanks for your encouragement!

        Reply ↓
  39. Lurker*

    Hello everyone! I’m going to be visiting a relative in New South Wales, Australia in October of this year and I want to ask if anyone has any recommendations for things I should see/do while I’m there! It’s my first time in Australia.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I recommend Bill Bryson’s book on Australia, In a Sunburned Country, for ideas.

      If you are near Sydney and an athletic person, then walking the Harbor Bridge is a cool thing.

      One of my favorites was The Twelve Apostles, though looking at a map this is a day’s drive southwest from Sydney. Rock formation, stacks in the ocean with natural arches, and holes in the ground above that are like “Hey ho, there’s an ocean down there.”

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree-the book is a couple decades old now, but still has tons of stuff to see/do. I would especially want to see the stromalites in Shark Bay.

        Reply ↓
        1. Part time lab tech*

          Shark Bay is on the beautiful west coast and well worth a visit (tour of the islands, sting rays, dolphins). It is also nowhere near New South Wales;)
          I think I know where I want to take my in laws this year though.

          Reply ↓
        2. lissajous*

          To be clear, the stromatolites at Hamelin Pool near Shark Bay are indeed fantastic, but they are on the other side of the country from NSW. Hamelin Pool is in Western Australia, and is 700km north of Perth – i.e., 7+ hours drive, not including breaks.

          The thrombolites at Lake Clifton are a similar but different very cool thing, and are only about an hour’s drive south of Perth.

          Forgive me if I am stating things you are aware of, but underestimating the size of Australia lands people in trouble in remote locations a lot, even people who live here.

          For context for US-ians, WA is 3.5 times the size of Texas, and that’s a third of the country. (And very sparsely populated, especially as you head north.) It’s stunning, and well worth visiting in my obviously unbiased opinion – but the distances are real. There’s a reason why you get road signs warning that the next servo is several hundred kilometres away!

          Reply ↓
          1. Lurker*

            Thank you for the insight, this is exactly why I specified New South Wales. I realized while looking at a map and reading other articles online that I better make sure something isn’t hours and hours away before I decide to go there :) I appreciate everyone’s excellent suggestions though.

            Reply ↓
    2. Le le lemon*

      October in NSW will be great weather. A couple of hot days (25-30*C, 77-86F), but mostly 18-20*C (64-77*). Colder at night if you’re inland.

      Sydney – walk around Circular Quay, Opera House, Botanic Gardens, out to Lady Macquarie’s Chair. The Sydney Symphony is definitely worth seeing – they have $35 tickets if under 35 years, and it’s a stunning concert hall, and inside the Opera House is great too.
      – Taronga Zoo is AMAZING – be prepared for a hilly walk – catch the ferry from Circular Quay for stunning views.
      – Ferry Circular Quay to Manly is stunning, and Manly has great beaches (Shelley Beach is a hidden favourite).
      – Historical tour of The Rocks
      – Bondi to Bronte beach walk (plus, beaches). Also, a bus ride around the coast of the Eastern Surbubs – up and around Vaucluse/Double Bay – will give you spectacular views.
      – Walk across the Harbour Bridge. Catch a train to Milsons Point, then you can walk back into the city. (I’ve not done Bridge climb – $$$$ – and no guarantee you’ll get amazing weather).
      – Cool buildings: Queen Victoria Building (QVB, shops), Town Hall (jacaranda trees in bloom), Museum of Contemporary Art (more jacarandas), Art Gallery of NSW, sporting grounds, parks.
      – Public transport is now very good and you can use your credit card to travel (or buy an ‘Opal’ card and top it up).

      Outside of Sydney
      – West: Blue Mountains. Scenery, hikes, waterfalls, significant Australian first nations history. Zig Zag railway.
      – North: Central Coast is a beach/holiday spot – looks a little ‘grubby’ but beautiful beaches, hikes, cafes
      – South: Southern Highlands (Bowral and surrounds) – excellent cafes, hikes, waterfalls. The Tulip festival is in September so the remnants will be around (if you really love tulips, see if going to Canberra is possible (3.5 hours from Syd) – Floriade is amazing).

      – “What’s On Sydney” is a good website.
      – Wear sunscreen/be sun smart, even in October. Heads up, things in AUS are quite expensive by US standards, but the US & GB exchange rate will work nicely in your favour.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lurker*

        Thanks for all your great suggestions! One of the main reasons I chose October is because my relatives said the weather would be really great then.

        Reply ↓
    3. Six Feldspar*

      How much time do you have and are you planning to move around, or base yourself somewhere and do day trips?

      I’ve been to Bega and Merimbula on the south coast of NSW and they were lovely but busy over summer, in October they should be quieter and warm enough to enjoy the coast.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lurker*

        We’ll be there about 2 weeks. We’ll base ourselves in one spot near where our relatives live and do day trips, as technically the main reason is to see and spend time with a new young one in the family. Thank you for your suggestions!

        Reply ↓
    4. supply closet badger*

      You don’t mention much about what you’re interested in/like to do, but some more ideas for Sydney (which I presume you’ll at least be flying into):

      – Wendy Whiteley’s Secret Garden in Lavender Bay
      – Spit Beach to Manly walk
      – Some good bookshops are Abbey’s, Kinokuniya, and Glee Books
      – Paddington Markets
      – Powerhouse Museum

      If you’re into nature, October should be amazing weather for bushwalking and hiking :D

      Reply ↓
      2. Lurker*

        Hi! I’m sorry, maybe I should have put some of my interests in my question. I’m open for pretty much anything, my only hangup is that I’m not very athletic and can’t do any arduous hikes or anything similar. Other than that, I’m open to pretty much anything. Thank you for the bookshop recommendations, I’m a huge reader!

        Reply ↓
  40. Cruciatus*

    My main question will be about preparing to move in with a significant other, mostly about what to consider about paying shared bills/house needs.

    If you want to read the boring lead up to my question, I’ll start with, so I guess I’m a late bloomer in the adult dating department and find myself, at the “tender” age of a perimenopausal 43, in a nearly year long relationship discussing plans with my boyfriend (50) to move in together. I dated in high school and into college and then just didn’t notice many opportunities and didn’t care and was fine with that. But at my new employer as of last year I kept meeting this guy through another company (food) that my employer worked with and I started to notice getting nervous around this guy I saw every few weeks/months which hasn’t happened in a looooong time. Anyway, took a minute to get him to notice me but here we are! Things are going really well, we seem to be a really good fit. I’ve looked for red flags because I’m still so surprised to be in this situation, but really, we have similar temperaments, interests, silliness, and are able to communicate well (like, I told him I sometimes will need space because I just like being in my own company, and he totally gets it. No hard feelings. We can tell one another what we need without it being A Problem). Both his parents really like me (I’m told this hasn’t always been true of his previous girlfriends), and my dad even wrote his name on the family birthday calendar (whoa!).

    He’s lived with a few other women before and obviously it didn’t work out. He’s now dating a planner and we’ve had lots of discussions about moving in which he never really did before. I guess before he and his now exes were like, move in together? Great. Here’s my stuff! But he has basically been living at my place since we had “snowmageddon” after Thanksgiving and he couldn’t even park at his apartment because, even plowed, there was too much snow for his car, but he hasn’t moved anything big in, just his favorite pots, pans, and of course his cat. But now we’re discussing doing this thing officially. Not tomorrow, but his lease is up in March so he’s going to keep his apartment for now while we continue to navigate our relationship/living together.

    What’s the best way to make things equal and lessen potential resentment? Here’s the situation. I own my small house–outright. No mortgage, though of course I pay property and school taxes. He is willing to help with those taxes and utilities. I don’t think I’m ready to add him to the deed or anything. Maybe if we get married. We both make just about the same amount of money (not a ton, but just shy of $50,000 a year for both of us, this goes pretty far in my small PA city).

    How should we do this? Does he just pay me half of the utilities at the end of the month, and same for when property or school taxes come due?
    If I need a new, say, fridge, do I pay for it myself since it would stay at this house (should we break up)? I don’t want to feel like a landlord, but how do I consider something like wear and tear on things around the house? Carpets, washer/dryer, and so on. Something will eventually happen that needs replaced or fixed.

    As I said, he’s been open to discussing all of this, and we have, but I wanted to ask you all what you think because this group always has good ideas and other things to consider. I’m excited about being moved in officially together (he is too!), but I’m also super practical about things, which is less romantic, but maybe in this situation that’s a good thing?

    Reply ↓
    2. Pop*

      I would definitely charge him rent – maybe a fair market rate for your area, or slightly less than he’s paying now (so it’s a good deal for everyone). Put this into a “house fund” so you can use it to help supplement things like a new fridge, property taxes, etc.

      Reply ↓
    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I bought my house (though I do have a mortgage) while my husband and I were living together but before we got engaged/married, and our prenup specifies that it is my property only unless I intentionally put his name on it, which neither of us wants. We also keep separate finances for the most part, barring one joint savings account and one joint checking account that is only used for transferring money between us and otherwise never has more than a dollar in it at a time.

      Originally we had two other housemates, and at the time, he paid me the same rent and had the same general arrangements that the rest of them did. Over the years, we got married and they moved out, so now it’s just the two of us. When the last housemate moved out, we added up what we agreed were “household bills” (including food, consumables, shared subscriptions, general house maintenance like the exterminators, etc) and he transfers me 50% of that total every month – but the transferred funds go into a separate checking account (albeit still in my name) that I only use for paying household expenses; I never commingle them with my truly personal funds and the mortgage is paid out of a personal-only account.

      For bigger one-off things like appliances or house projects, I pay for them financially because they’re improvements for my house, but if there’s actual physical labor involved, he mostly borrows his brother (who is a handyman type dude) and the two of them do the physical labor part. Like, I wanted the upstairs bedrooms re-floored with laminate instead of carpet, so I bought the supplies, but he and his brother installed them. For a project that he and his brother can’t handle — for example, I’m having the door from the garage to the house replaced, which has code requirements and the potential of structural work, so they weren’t comfortable taking that on themselves and preferred to have someone licensed and insured to do it – we talk it out on a case-by-case basis. For this one, we agreed that half the labor costs for installing the door would come out of our joint savings (which we each put the same amount in per month but doesn’t have any particular use designated generally), and I would pay for the actual supplies and the other half of the labor costs.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nope.*

        Coming from someone not in your situation but who rents, with a husband with whom I have separate finances, I REALLY admire the setup you have. I like this a lot. If I ever buy property independently we’d do this.

        Reply ↓
    4. AK_Blue*

      It is romantic to have a relationship built on good communication, equal understanding, and fair compensation. Rent is an excellent idea that goes into a savings account for the future new fridge, etc.

      I had a very similar situation, started dating my partner at age 37. He also just kind of stopped going home and honestly that worked better for me because it wasn’t a big official discussion. I owned the condo, he offered to pay rent, we looked over the expenses and settled on a number, and he paid rent until we got married about two years later. Because I was paying a mortgage, his rate was close to fair market rent for a bedroom in a house locally.

      I did not add him to the deed when we got married because we were planning on buying a home in the future. When I sold the condo, I took back my original down payment (made 10 years before we started dating) out of the proceeds and put the rest towards our joint account/new house things. All of which we discussed and agreed on.

      Reply ↓
    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Maybe if we get married.
      That is in fact the line I would suggest for any cosigning of property ownership, six figure mortgages, etc. Married or in a relationship you both see as the equivalent. (And often the reason not to make it official with a wedding is to preserve clear lines of ownership for inheritance reasons, with each person outright owning some shared items.)

      In part, channeling the advice from Carolyn Hax about how many letters she got from people who had 20 reasons to break up, BUT would have to disentangle their CD collections and that would be a hassle. At this point, think about how to set things up so that if things ended in a year, you would both feel the financial arrangement had been fair while you lived together. I would frame it as “For this year, we do X” with the understanding that around next January you will both think over how to adapt that. You don’t have to come up with a perfect forever system this month.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that, if you’ve been dating for a year and really like each other but aren’t necessarily committed, it would be best to take no irreversible steps right now. If you don’t want to charge rent, at least have a clear mutual understanding that he is currently a guest in your home and that his contributions don’t give him any equity. It can be awkward to talk about such things because it feels like you’re pre-nuping your relationship and expecting to break up, but … there’s a reason people have pre-nups too, and many many women have regretted getting caught up in the good feelings and not watching out for inequalities early on. A red flag is if he tries to make you feel bad about asking about rent. And after all, you don’t have to live together to enjoy all the wonderful parts of your relationship.

        Reply ↓
    7. Generic Name*

      I’m sure my husband and I are doing things “incorrectly” by many peoples objective measures, but were both very happy. I make a lot more than my husband does and own my house (it has a mortgage). Our financial arrangement is pretty much the same now as it was when he first moved in except he is on my insurance now and paying for his medical expenses or car insurance is a household expense rather than his alone. He basically gives me his entire paycheck and I put it towards bills and living expenses. I don’t plan to put him on the deed, but he is in my will to inherit the house.

      Reply ↓
    8. Frieda*

      Consider getting some couples’ therapy beforehand or during the early days – it really helped me and my partner sort out unexpected bumps in the road.

      We opened a shared checking account that’s just for household expenses (for us, mortgage, insurance, food, utilities.) We tend to pay individually for extras or personal items, and we divide up travel costs that way rather than dip into the house’s account.

      I found that cooking was an unexpected point of friction and we had a come-to-Jesus about three years after moving in where we reconfigured our respective responsibilities and it’s much better now. (We have different approaches and although we in theory both wanted equally shared labor that was not what was happening, partly because our respective work schedules/obligations had shifted and household labor was disproportionate to available time.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        So, so important to begin as you mean to go on around chores and housework. So many women I know got caught up in the excitement of playing house and took on the majority of domestic work initially because they were in love and viewed these as little acts of service to show love. But then that quickly became the permanent status quo, particularly the little invisible labor things that go into keeping a place nice and life pleasant. Over time, resentment grew.

        Reply ↓
        1. WestSideStory*

          This is crucial. Do not let being a housemate become your being the mom (whatever gender, no difference.)
          I’m not liking that you “rescued” this person during a snowstorm and suddenly so interestingly their lease is up in March.
          At minimum, have them pay exactly half of housing expenses – utilities and a rent that reflects half of your annual assessments payment. Be very, very clear what their responsibilities are in your co-habitation. Make sure they understand it is THEIR JOB to clean the litterbox and you will not do it EVER unless their arms are not working.
          Take this please from someone who, in their last big-city-great-neighborhood-low-rent large apartment, had 32, yes 32 roommates over several decades, the last one being the one who moved in because we got married. There were rarely any disputes with the entire crew because it was understood that the financial/real estate aspects of our partnership were separate from our friendships. You must clearly divide the two – make it a written document if need be.
          Love is great, but doesn’t have to be blind. You are not being mean or paranoid if you go online and check your local laws for tenancy, etc. Having someone sharing living expenses is a huge benefit in today’s economy, you both will win out if you keep the finances clear.

          Reply ↓
    9. Anono-me*

      It should be more than 1/2 the shared household monthly expenses, but less than what he is paying now for his household expenses. The goal is for each of you to have about the same about of financial benefit from moving in together. (If there was a big income disparity, I would suggest the benefit split be 1/4th to 3/4th)

      For example
      His non rent household Expenses = $600
      His rent=$2000
      Your current household expenses = $800
      Estimated shared household expenses $1200

      So if you ask him to split the shared household expenses at $600, you would have an extra $200 a month, but he would have an extra $2000 a month. (recipe for resentment). If you ask him to contribute $1600, you each have an additional $1000 a month. (Assuming $1600 a month is =/less than what you would charge a roommate.)

      Remember to update your insurance and that you can revisit and change this agreement at any time.
      My sweetie and I started with something similar but have changed it many times over the years. Remember the goal is for you both to be in a better place after moving in together and money is a part of it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Still*

        This is the one I can get behind because both parties benefit equally from the savings on rent. The homeowner shouldn’t benefit more than their partner just because they own the place.

        Cruciatus, check your local laws for what rights each of you would have if you decide to split up. This will depend on whether or not there’s a formal rental agreement, if he’s paying rent, etc. Make sure you’re legally protected, especially if you’re already de facto living together.

        Reply ↓
        1. Inkhorn*

          This last paragraph!

          In my part of the world, once you’ve been living in a de facto relationship for a certain length of time you get basically the same property settlement rights as if you were married. If the law is similar where you are, there could be the potential for him to make a claim on your assets further down the track. Definitely check with a lawyer to see what you need to do to protect yourself. Paperwork might not be romantic but it could save a lot of heartache later.

          Reply ↓
    10. Llellayena*

      I was you two years ago. When he moved in, I calculated how much the monthly household expenses were, divided it in half (we make about the same but I would have done a percent calculation if we were wildly different incomes) and he sent me that amount of money each month. The house was mine and I’m a better saver so any home improvement stuff (appliances, large furniture) I would pay for. He compensated by buying more of the groceries and day to day household stuff. We were considering a formal cohabitation agreement (you can find forms via google) but he proposed before we got around to it so it kinda became moot.

      Reply ↓
    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I would go to a financial planner. Your house is a big and valuable asset that you need to protect physically and financially. Work out how you’re going to pay for repairs, maintenance and upkeep, and so on, as well as smaller things like dishes, lamps, and so on. This WILL be his home so he should have some say in how it’s run, but the best way to manage that is figuring out a monthly rent.

      You may end up getting married and putting his name on the deed–coolness! But step by step is the way to do this. He needs to protect his own assets and interests too, and let you know what they are–IRA? Pension? Valuable possessions that need insurance?

      Reply ↓
    12. Clisby*

      I would not even consider adding him to the deed right now.

      If he moves in, he needs to pay a share in what it takes to maintain the house. Taxes, insurance, utilities, fixing things … or you need to come up with a flat amount per month that pretty much covers those things, and he can pay that, and then no nitpicking.

      Do not add him to the deed right now. That would be handing over half the value of your house to someone you’ve been with (if I’m reading this correctly) for not quite a year.

      Reply ↓
    13. lissajous*

      At the tender age of 40, I started living with a partner for the first time a few months ago. I own my place with a mortgage.
      He pays me rent, and it goes straight into my offset. I found out what my neighbour was paying in rent (same size unit in the strata), and halved it. My neighbour is on a really good deal for rent right now, (and my partner has also had a good deal for a similar sized place), so it’s nowhere near market rate but also I don’t want it to be. (Rent in our city is bonkers right now, it’s appalling. My partner’s place went for 65% more than he had been paying after he moved out.)

      Consumable costs we split 50/50 – food, power, internet etc. Bills I send as they come through. Groceries we get meal kits delivered so that’s easy, and then each pick up stuff as needed – so far it’s balancing out pretty well.

      So both of us benefit – his rent is less than half what he was paying, and bills are reduced.
      Because his rent goes into my offset, and if we split up soon it would be easy to split it out and return it if I felt that was the right thing in circumstances. But also, if things go to plan and we stay together (which, so far looking very likely!), any rent he pays becomes part of the deposit for a larger house in a couple of years, while in the meantime counting against my mortgage. Winners all around!

      Reply ↓
    14. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Congratulations on your new relationship!

      Financial independence is extremely important to me. Having my own place means I can recover from any breakup. If you put his name on the deed, how long would it take for you to financially recover if you guys were to break up? You own this place, so you would be essentially gifting half the place to him if his name is on the deed– how would you feel if he had cheated on you, but you had to give him half the value of your place? Does 50% of the value of the place still allow you to buy a smaller home, or would you be trapped in the rental market?

      I’ve been in a relationship > 10 years, and we take the above into consideration after one of us was financially burned by an ex. We keep finances separate. We share one account that we contribute equally and we take our daily living expenses. We pay rent to each other when we live each other’s respective properties. The rent is much cheaper than the market rate, but it is still rent.

      We had a lot of conversations about money. One of you will be more conservative spending money than the other. Compromises will need to be made, and the discussions may be difficult, but they should not be impossible. If you can’t have fair and honest discussions about finances, then my advice is keep your name only on the deed so you can protect yourself long-term.

      It’s wonderful to find the right person, just make sure you keep your financial safety net.

      Reply ↓
    15. This is prudence not planning*

      Don’t dismiss these really important discussions as you having some quirky “planner” trait that you need anyone to accommodate or understand. Your home and its equity are something to take very seriously. IMHO, he should be proactively and sincerely offering to pay rent (and you should charge it). It’s not what he’s “willing” to consider … it’s what will give you peace of mind with your assets and ensure that this is a respectful and reciprocal relationship where both parties take responsibility.

      Reply ↓
  41. Girasol*

    Has anyone had a hip replaced? Don’t need medical advice (the doctor has that covered) but beyond the required devices on his list, what’s nice to do or know or have to get through that first wobbly week as smoothly as possible? The doctor warned me that he’s very busy and can’t fit me in right away, and then gave me a surgery date less than a month out, which feels very right away! So I’m looking for advice to help get me psyched up quick.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Generally for surgery: Get some over the counter stool softener, and take it either right away, or at the first slight tiny hint that things might be stopped up. Constipation is a frequent side effect of general anesthesia and of the various drugs, and it makes everything markedly more miserable.

      Generally for surgery around mobility: Do all the PT. It makes a big difference.

      Reply ↓
      1. Girasol*

        I’m up for whatever PT they’ll let me do. But the other…I wouldn’t have thought of that. Thanks for the tip!

        Reply ↓
        1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

          My doctor gave me all kinds of take-homes and prescriptions for anti-constipation, so check with your doctor’s nurse before buying things yourself. I was also given (charged for them, of course, of course) by the hospital PT or OT departments several handy tools like crutches, the sleeping wedge to keep legs separated, reaching devices and sock puller-ons and a long shoehorn, so you might ask about those before buying anything. Some items I had to buy for myself, if I remember correctly, like a walker (got one from a friend who’d had a knee replacement) and a toilet seat riser and bath bench. I was given a list by the doctor’s office of what to get beforehand. You’ll want slip-on shoes rather than tie ones for the hospital. I had to do PT and show I could navigate a few stairs before they’d release me. It’s been about 15 years, so things might be different now. Good luck.

          Reply ↓
      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Hopefully not TMI, but the stool softener made me feel weird, so I just ate prunes a couple of times a day before and then after.
        Prep food and freeze it in single portions if you can. If something like custard or jello is a soothing comfort food for you, make it right before your surgery, so you’ll have it all ready for you.
        Do all PT! Stay ahead of your pain meds and keep up with the ice.
        Good luck!

        Reply ↓
    2. Frieda*

      Yep, had them both done (six months apart.) Some suggestions:
      – stock up on easy food and if you live alone, figure out what you may need from specific people (like is there a friend you’d like to drop by the first night you’re home? Do you have someone who you’d like to text you each day at 6pm to see how you are? etc.)
      – make a plan for picking up your meds from the pharmacy
      – prepare to sleep a lot/rest a lot. Maybe treat yourself to some new books or find a good TV binge.
      – I carried a little notebook and kept track of my meds, and used a cross-body bag for phone, notebook, meds, etc. since if you’re on crutches you can’t carry very much.
      – order some non-hospital compression stockings, like the cool-looking athletic ones, so you feel less like a Victorian invalid and more like a regular person.
      – The approach (anterior or posterior) will make a lot of difference in your recovery time. Most people now do the former, I think but my very well-regarded surgeon did the latter. YMMV.
      – Shower chair!

      I’m 10 years out and have very occasional very minor pain – it was 100% worth it.

      Reply ↓
      2. Lifelong student*

        Also a gadget to put on your socks yourself- and a gadget to pick up things from the floor while you can’t bend easily. Got those and a frame to put around the toilet with handrails for my partner’s hip replacement.

        Reply ↓
        1. sagewhiz*

          Absolutely yes to the Sock Aid (inexpensive on amazon)—even with it, getting the compression stocking on by yourself is a bitch.

          And yes to the baby wipes—you won’t be allowed to shower for some time (a couple of weeks, if I remember correctly from my own surgery a year ago)

          Lastly, follow the PT instructions and do not do *more* just because you feel fine. The friends & fam who did all ended up complicating their recoveries.

          Reply ↓
    3. Joyce*

      Bedside commode if your bathroom won’t accommodate a walker. You won’t be in the walker long (my 75 year old uncle was off the walker in less than a week) but that first week, mannnnnn.

      Slip on shoes.

      Reply ↓
    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      My mum had a hip replacement a few years back. They will make sure you can walk and go up and down stairs before they discharge you. You will also get a lot of medications to take, so you may want to buy a pill sorter. If possible, have someone stay with you for at least the first week after the operation.

      My major advice is to do all of the post-surgery exercises for the recommended duration. Have someone stand over you to make sure you’re doing them if you feel like you might wimp out. My mum jokingly called me a torturer for making her do all the exercises, but she did admit that they helped!

      Reply ↓
    5. Nitpicker*

      I’ve had both hips done successfully. Don’t even think about it most of the time.

      Two issues with shoes. First, I was restcricted as to how much I could bend from the waist for several weeks. If this is the case with you you need slip-ons. You can also get elastic laces for your shoes and pre-tie them. The OT (occuptional therapy) people will show you how to put them on.

      Second, my feet really swelled up – like a shoe size. I wasn’t prepared for this but fortunately I did have a pair of stretched out sneakers I was able to use tied loosely. It took around 3 weeks for the swelling to go down and then it cleared up overnight.

      Also, if you can’t bend, they suggest you use a grabber to pick things up. I already had a long handled broom and dustpan that turned out to be a big help for picking up small items that dropped on the floor. Much better than the grabber.

      Good luck.

      Reply ↓
    6. been there, done that*

      I had a hip replaced. Do the PT. For me, it was taking something like 5-7 hours a day. I got to a place where I could walk for 10 miles/16 km, but that took 7-8 months. Do all the PT. If you’re not doing PT now, go – get some ab & glute exercises Where I live, they recommend 6 sessions, I needed 11, post-op. I also had to learn to sleep on my back, because it took about 3-4 weeks before I was allowed to side sleep. Post-op, I’m not sure what you mean by a week – I used a walker for 2-3 weeks, and crutches for another month or so, and then a cane for 6 months post-op.

      Reply ↓
    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      See if you can get approval to go to a physical therapist ahead of time for a few visits. They can work with you to help strengthen muscles that you will be using more than you used to!

      Reply ↓
      1. old curmudgeon*

        +1 – this is crucial! “Pre-hab” PT sessions let you build muscle memory that will be incredibly helpful when you need to do those exercises post-op. They’ll help with strength and flexibility as well. Your surgeon may be able to give you some exercises to do in advance, or you might be able to get them to refer you for a couple of PT sessions before surgery.

        One other thing – starting the day before your surgery, increase your water intake, and push fluids right up until the moment when you need to go NPO. If you are not well hydrated in the prep room, they’ll have a helluva time starting the IV, and you’ll wind up feeling like a pin cushion by the time they’re done.

        See if you can find out what type of anesthesia they will use, as that will impact your experience. At the hospital in our city, for about the past maybe 15 years or so, they’ve used spinal anesthetics with light sedation (like you get for a colonoscopy) rather than the full-on general anesthesia where you have to be intubated and feel like crap for two or three days afterward. It definitely makes the immediate post-op recovery faster, and results in shorter hospital stays.

        I had hip-replacement surgery done in the late 1990s when I was 39 (correcting a birth defect), and I can absolutely attest to the fact that it was life-changing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a similar outcome!

        Reply ↓
      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes! My friend’s mom did a bunch of pre-op PT, and it really made her recovery from the surgery very smooth.

        Reply ↓
    8. Girasol*

      Wow, thanks everyone! I’m making notes of all your great ideas. This is going to be so much easier thanks to you.

      Reply ↓
    9. Hip hip hooray*

      Along with the toilet seat riser, get some wipes. You can’t really reach around and the wipes help a lot

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I think there’s also like a stick thingie that you can put tp or a wipe on to help with the reach?

        Reply ↓
    10. Healthcare Worker*

      Try to find out if your surgeon is doing an anterior or posterior approach, as your movement restrictions post surgery are very different for each one. Consider adding a bidet to your commode (available on Amazon for around $30) to assist with hygiene. In my area you will be on a walker for a month and then progress to a cane, none of the orthopedists here recommend crutches. Have a bag or tray for your walker, or a apron with pockets. Get multiples of things you use often so you don’t have to move them around – hairbursh, reading glasses, pen and paper, etc. Set up a comfy space on your couch and in your bedroom. Check your couch to ensure you can sit on it and maintain your
      restrictions – if it’s too low that can be a problem. Good luck! Everyone I know was so glad they had the surgery.

      Reply ↓
  43. Tea Trainee*

    Tea recommendations that are no caffeine or low caffeine? I really enjoy black tea and typically drink a lot of earl grey, but I’ve been getting into drinking tea in the evening to wind down so I want to get away from the caffeine. Are there herbal teas with strong flavor like black tea? I haven’t enjoyed the usual evening suggestions of mint or chamomile.

    Reply ↓
      1. o_gal*

        Also, their vanilla almond. It comes in both caffeinated and decaf, and also in both loose leaf and tea bags.

        Reply ↓
    2. Tradd*

      Red rooibos from South Africa. It’s totally herbal, but it’s substantial. A friend jokes it’s herbal masquerading as a black tea. It’s a lovely dark red color. I like the one from Republic of Tea. I drink it with milk and sugar, just like I do with black tea.

      Reply ↓
      2. Six Feldspar*

        I also drink rooibos in the evenings, and I like that it doesn’t go bitter if it steeps too long like black tea.

        Reply ↓
    4. Sloanicota*

      Both my sister and I love licorice flavor tea. Yogi brand is my favorite. Licorice is one of those flavors people either love or hate, but at least it’s not that “mild plant water” taste that some herbals get (looking at you, chamomile). I also like peppermint tea. You can make it by just pouring hot water over actual fresh mint leaves if you’d rather. I don’t like “sharp” flavors of tea like hibiscus or lemon / lemongrass, but I like rooibos.

      Reply ↓
    5. Msd*

      Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice. It doesn’t taste like black tea but is a dark herbal tea. Best steeped long then add a teaspoon of sugar. It’s caffeine free.

      Reply ↓
      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Oh, wow, Bengal Spice is great! We drink it straight, sometimes with a touch of honey, and sometimes even with a small blop of cream or milk.
        I’m also a fan of CS’s Lemon Zinger tea; perfect for a gray morning.

        Reply ↓
    7. Bulu Babi*

      Roiboos tea? It’s what I have in the evenings when I’m craving black tea. Probably less useful for you since you like it black, but roiboos goes well with a little milk too.

      Reply ↓
    9. Chapeau*

      Have you tried decaf earl grey? It’s still too much caffeine for me to drink in the evenings, but it’s great in the afternoon. I’m a “can’t have a coke after 3 pm” person if I want to sleep that night, but it might not bother you.
      I like lemon tea in the evenings, or something more fruity. I really like peach flavored tea, but it’s a very mellow flavor, which might not work for you.
      I also drink a lemon-ginger tea, I like the flavor, which isn’t quite as tart as the lemon by itself. But I’m also a person who likes to drink lemon juice (yes, just lemon juice) in hot water.

      Reply ↓
    10. Llellayena*

      I love chai flavors which give you the strong spices. There’s quite a few decaf chai options out there. I also agree with the rooibus base, flavored versions can have a stronger hit to them. Stash decaf chocolate hazelnut is really good. I also recommend looking at “local” tea companies like you would find at craft fairs and such. You can smell the blends to see what appeals. I found a fantastic decaf peach black tea that way that I now use for giant pots of iced tea in the summer.

      Reply ↓
    11. Kathenus*

      Tazo Sweet Cinnamon Spice is a favorite of mine – I also like strong teas, and this one is great but still caffeine free. Does have a cinnamon flavor but also a definite anise one as well, so make sure that’s to your liking too.

      Reply ↓
    12. Helvetica*

      Love a hojicha! Since it is roasted, it has lower amounts of caffeine than regular green tea and the nutty flavour is delightful.

      Reply ↓
    13. CityMouse*

      I really like Lavendar Chamomile (I know you said you didn’t like chamomile alone but the blend is different). I also like ginger tea and apple cinnamon tea.

      Reply ↓
    14. HannahS*

      Hojicha is low-caffeine (but not caffeine-free) roasted green tea. Very very nice.

      Boricha/Mugicha is a roasted barley “tea” that tastes very toasty. It’s great iced, too.

      Celestial Seasonings used to have a caffeine-free chai that’s quite strong.

      Lastly, I swear that the only good decaf tea is by the brand Yorkshire Tea. All others taste like dishwater to me. Everyone I’ve served it to is amazed at how good it is.

      Reply ↓
    15. office hobbit*

      Dandelion or barley tea have a nice deep taste that does the best job of filling the tea flavor role for me. Other herbal options I’ve tried over the years had too strong and distinct a taste, so I had to be in the mood for them specifically, when really I just wanted a cuppa. The dandelion tea I have right now is “roasted dandelion root” and I think I’ve seen it at most supermarkets, or a health food store should have it. Barley tea can be gotten at Asian markets.

      Reply ↓
    18. Jay*

      I would suggest trying some of the higher quality versions of the standard herbals, if you have not already.
      The difference between those and grocery store teabags is night and day, especially when talking about Herbals.
      I personally recommend Angelina’s Teas. They are located in North Carolina, but ship vacuum sealed bags of very high quality tea just about anywhere.
      The difference between their Jasmine With Flowers and regular, grocery store Jasmine Tea is night and day. And the Golden Dragon Jasmine Tea is an order of magnitude above that. The only downsides are 1) It took me a while to dial in exactly how much tea to use (these teas are less forgiving than most) and 2) I can no longer stomach any other kind of Jasmine Tea.
      Their mint teas are wonderful and their decaffeinated teas taste like real tea.
      I even enjoyed the Rooibos I picked up there once, and I HATE Rooibos.
      Link: https://www.angelinasteas.com/products#!/Vacuumed-Packed-Teas/c/61098853

      Reply ↓
      1. NC tea drinker*

        just here to HEARTILY SUPPORT the recommendation of Angelina’s Teas. I’m local-ish and visit a few times per year to refresh my stash. I love love the Lady Hannah’s Whole Fruit Tea (it has strawberry!)

        Reply ↓
    19. Hatchet*

      Highly recommend any of the honey-ginger or honey-citron tea concentrates (especially when I’m not feeling well). I’ll add these to hot water alone or to green tea, plus it’s easy to adjust the strength of the flavor based on how much you add. Start with a full teaspoon, stir it in, then add more if needed.

      I get these at my local Asian market, but you can also find them on Amazon – they come in jars of various sizes. (Bonus – my husband has used these as a marinade/sauce on fish and it was delicious!)

      Reply ↓
  44. Anonymously Concerned*

    Trying to post this early enough to get noticed but having trouble wording this. NOT looking for medical advice as everyone is under the care of doctors.
    What can men do once they’re retired or no longer working? Maybe what you’ve seen male relatives or neighbors do. But I know that there are retired folks on AAM, too. My husband for one sleeps all day. He doesn’t have a male friends group or hobbies. My brother has now had a mental health crisis and we think this is partly due to no longer working (because of mental health) and being home all the time. But we’re stymied for what they can do.
    Two questions I guess.
    1. What activities, groups, volunteer opportunities have you seen older males do? Anything, really. Late 50s, 60s.
    2. What part-time jobs have you seen that get them out but aren’t stressful? (This might work for my brother. )

    I’m grateful for any ideas. For my brother, anything that would give him more positivity in his life.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      It’s so hard, watching my dad go through this, because I think especially in the prior generation men weren’t necessarily expected to have their own social lives, and even male friendship wasn’t as encouraged as it is for women I think. It might be getting better, hard to say. I have still met a *lot* of men on the dating scene who are kind of expecting to have their entire “emotional” side of their lives rest on the shoulders of their female partners. My dad got into tutoring science at the elementary school. I think he always had dreams of being a teacher but was discouraged from it to go into something more lucrative. He would be great at coaching the robot or rocket club too, although I don’t think there is one by him. As a bonus, this gives him an outlet other than mom and I for his great love of explaining things.

      Reply ↓
      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        My father retired early and had no trouble keeping himself busy with building / maintenance / landscaping projects around the house. (He’s a very industrious person!) And he got filled all of his needs for companionship and travel with Mom. So his retirement went great for 20 years…until Mom died. He never had his own friends or activities and is at a loss now. The only thing he’s figured out is doing some committee work for the HOA which he hates but it’s better than nothing.

        Reply ↓
      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I love the idea of volunteering at a school. It might be a bit of a pain to get the background check, but having little kids who look forward to seeing you and getting to help them sounds very fulfilling.

        Or if dad/brother like animals, volunteering at an animal shelter? Same dopamine boost.

        Reply ↓
    2. Generic Name*

      My dad is retired and he pretty much sits around and reads all day. He rehash online subscriptions to various newspapers and reads hard copy books. He is a deacon at my parents church. He follows formula 1 racing from the US, so he will sometimes watch races live at like 3 am, which he can do, because he’s retired. :)

      Socially, he has like two friends. One is an old fraternity brother, who lives across the country, and the other lives across the road from their vacation cabin. Most of his social life is through my mom.

      My husband (mid 40s) recently joined the Lyons Club, and most of the guys are older. If either are veterans, there’s always the VFW (the club houses always have bars in them!). Elks Club or Freemasons are also men’s organizations. If they like children and doing outdoorsy/survival stuff, they could be a Boy Scout leader. (I know the organization has a very problematic past; I feel like they have made amends and addressed the issues. My son had a very positive experience with his troop).

      Reply ↓
      1. Generic Name*

        “Rehash” should be “has”. (My autocorrect has been going bonkers lately. It will replace small words that are spelled correctly with random larger words, or weirdly proper nouns)

        Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      My father in law reads a ton. He does a lot of the NY Times games like Wordle and Connections, which has a social component within his family since his wife and daughter also do them. He’s been doing a lot of big decluttering/house projects that were hard to devote time to while working. My dad hasn’t quite retired yet but his hobbies include wine tasting and concerts, and he’s met a lot of people through those things (he likes smaller folk/indie type singer songwriters who do small venues and house concerts, so the fan base and concert experience allow for more personal connections than a bigger act might). I think generally looking at what they already enjoy and looking to connect over it – they could check Meetup, FB groups, or local community centers/orgs, libraries, etc. My small local mall has a couple rentable community spaces so they always have tons of ads on their bulletin boards.

      Reply ↓
    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      My husband is retired and takes literature classes with our local U3A (University of the Third Age) affiliate. (We’re in the UK.) It’s an organisation that offers a huge variety of classes for retired folks and for anyone who doesn’t work full time. He has to do a ton of reading for his classes, so that takes up a lot of his time. We also have a really active dog who needs to be walked twice a day, and my husband has made a couple of friends through dog walking.

      Even if you don’t have a similar organisation to U3A or a community college in your area, there might be a local history group, an arts society or church group that your dad or brother could join. Local libraries or churches can be a good source of info on what’s out there, activity wise – an example from my area is that our local supermarket cafe does a “Chatty Cafe” initiative on Mondays, where anyone who wants to chat (to anyone, about anything) can sit at a designated (marked) table and someone will talk to them – many places have similar schemes.

      In general, though, I think there are fewer activities specifically for retired men, since men don’t live for as long and (in previous generations) often didn’t develop many interests outside work.

      Reply ↓
    5. Llellayena*

      Community theater. They’re always looking for volunteers, and not just for acting. Set building, ushers, ticket takers, building maintenance, prop management. And they will happily take every spare minute you think you have and then some. Definitely an easy way to get out of the house and it’s a welcoming community.

      Reply ↓
    6. Saudade*

      Whenever I go to the gym in the middle of the day, it’s half or more filled with 55+ people. My old gym was definitely mostly retires in the middle of the day. So: find workout buddies.

      Reply ↓
    7. Lexi Vipond*

      Play golf. It’s a cliche, but also true!

      ‘Men’s sheds’ are very popular here, but I don’t know if that’s the same where you are – location stocked with tools and so on, group meets at certain times, and you can go along and work on your own projects, or on group projects (sometimes it’s things to sell, sometimes it’s making or fixing things for other groups who can’t afford to pay for the work).

      There seem to be a fair number of men working in charity shops round here, although some individual shops skew very female.

      A friend’s dad became a rural postman – I don’t know how stressful it was, but it was good for getting out and interacting!

      Reply ↓
    8. Just a name*

      My husband retired 3 years ago. He drives meals on wheels 1/month, volunteers at the local marine museum’s small craft guild (fixing and building small boats) 2 days/week, volunteers as a treasurer for a local environmental organization, which also puts him on as a representative to a larger organization, and recently joined the board of directors for the marine museum. He runs several times per week with one of the neighbors and works out daily. I’m the slug since retirement but had a lot of family issues that I was dealing with. Definitely need to start something soon though.

      Reply ↓
    9. MissB*

      I’m sorry, that’s rough.

      Dh retired a bit over a year ago. He golfs, goes to concerts without me, gets together with his friends and goes biking daily and takes care of some chores that previously fell to me (like morning pet chores. The man is a gem. I see him carrying our blind hen around each morning to put her in a separate space so she can eat and drink without competition.)

      He’s slowly attacking projects around the house, at his own pace. We both know what those projects are, but I try not to prioritize any of them unless I see a clear pressing need. His puttering around and fixing the front railing by tearing it apart and replacing pieces and painting it all took about 2 weeks. It kept him busy.

      We have dogs. He walks them every morning, and sometimes just takes them to the coffee shop for pup cups.

      He visits his mom at least once a week (she’s elderly, he picks her up and takes her to lunch and drives her around).

      His former employer asked him mid year 2024 to come back as a consultant and he said no. By mid year this year, he’ll need to renew or retire his professional license. I’m guessing he won’t renew it.

      He used to work 70 hour weeks. His plan when he retired was to golf, work on house projects and go to concerts more often. He’s doing fine so far.

      Reply ↓
    10. Bibliovore*

      oh yes. Mr. Bibliovore retired and didn’t have enough to do. He signed up for OSHER Lifelong learning and took short courses on a variety of topics like “the cold war and film” or Craftsman architecture. He trained as docent at the local natural history museum. He volunteered with a literarary non-profit ushering at poetry readings and helping with fundraising events. He volunteered at our local 826- writing center with middle schoolers and teens. He did senior yoga twice a week. He volunteered for the Democratic party for door knocking and phone banking in local elections. This all didn’t happen at once but within about 3 years. I was surprised after he died that he was looking for part time work and his phone texts were all employment agencies and “hey, we thought this would perfectly align with your skills and interests”

      Reply ↓
      1. Bibliovore*

        I forgot to say that before he got a handle on this “too much time, not enough to do” I lost my temper one day when he asked, “what is for lunch.” Turns out, that is a thing- I married him for richer and for poorer etc, etc but not “for lunch.”

        Reply ↓
    11. tab*

      My husband and I retired last year and moved across the country, so he has no friends here. He does research (math) in the mornings, and his volunteer work with the American Math Society in the mornings. He’s biking, walking, playing drums, and just started playing pickleball a few weeks ago. My family is here, so we do things with my siblings and niblings too.

      Reply ↓
    12. Lore*

      My dad was a relatively young retiree (he sold a business) and was amazingly active, especially since my mom didn’t retire for another 15 years. Among the things he did: volunteer in the local schools, reading with kids in an ESL program; run the local senior softball league for many years, and play on several teams once he stopped being the manager; take painting classes; write two novels and self-publish one; join the volunteer PT team of a neighbor who had a severe stroke; get involved with community activism over a development project being planned on their block; reconnect with his high school community. (This last being more complex than most as he was an army brat and went to high school in France so his classmates are all over the country and/or world, but he helped to organize two reunions.) He also read a lot, did some part-time work as a board member for a company he’d worked for at one point full-time, and got very invested in the Boston sports teams.

      Reply ↓
    13. ThatGirl*

      My FIL golfs and does projects around the house. My dad does work with his church, walks the dog, does puzzles. My grandpa had a hard time being retired and did a lot of volunteer work – he worked with CASA, drove for a local retirement home, did woodworking.

      Reply ↓
    14. Healthcare Worker*

      Our local senior citizens facility (for anyone over 50) has lots of activities enjoyed by men. Card groups, poker, art classes, and just sitting around. I understand they also have “new to the group” groups to help newcomers acclimate. Best of luck to him!

      Reply ↓
    15. Falling Diphthong*

      My brother-in-law the retired professor: Active in his church and with a variety of music, all predating retirement. Raising sheep.

      My brother-in-law the retired consultant: Renovations and upkeep, to his home and the shared family home where one sibling lives. Groups that play bridge, poker, pickleball. He bikes the same route (10 miles?) every day and took up competitive sailing. Planning and going on trips.

      Will note for physical stuff, that some of the oldest people at my gym basically have the philosophy “Do the same thing every day, and then you will continue to be able to do it.”

      Reply ↓
    16. Rara Avis*

      My dad volunteers at the hospital. (He delivers packages to different departments.) He writes acrostic puzzles. He reads The NY Times cover-to-cover everyday. He jogged every day until a scary fall last spring. (He’s 82.) Now he walks instead. He got back into woodworking, which had been a pre-kid hobby. He also has a built-in community as a professor emeritus — there’s an active community of retired professors with lectures, etc.

      A friend’s father took up photography and did a community service project of photographing unhoused individuals (it had to do with reflecting their dignity and self-worth).

      My brothers-in-law: one is very active in a motorcycle club. Another makes wine with his cousin. That cousin also took up yoga after retirement and became an instructor. There were a number of retirees volunteering in the cat rescue my kid and I volunteered for.

      Reply ↓
    17. Miki*

      If he’s interested, Search and Rescue County group will gladly accept him. So will Red Cross.
      Training, navigation, first aid, Missing persons training search, many other trainings offered monthly with SAR.
      Red Cross also has training for local Disaster Action Team (fires) and Deployments for National disasters (Hurricanes, Tornadoes) all over the country need volunteers and 90% are retired.

      Reply ↓
    19. Morning Reader*

      Wow so many good ideas already! Additionally, I have seen men around here working together in a Tree Friends group, where they plant new trees around town. Very manly, digging holes and wrestling large vegetation. And in an Adult Education class (similar to what others have described), men developing friendships in singing class. Choral groups might be good too, where the bass and tenors cluster together.

      Reply ↓
    20. Rosyglasses*

      My dad when he retired did the following (in no particular order and for varying lengths of time):
      – volunteered at the school down the street to listen to kids read and help in classroom support 1-2 days a week
      – volunteered regularly to visit elders in the Assisted Living 1x a week
      – played golf 1-2 days a week (took lessons and then made it a life hobby!)
      – became a School Board member (my mom was a teacher so he was around education all his adult life)
      – dabbled in a few other hobbies (bike riding, took some classes at the gun range, loved putting together puzzles)
      – volunteered and was pretty active in his local political group

      For my father in law it has been fairly similar, but his has included way more golf, spending time with grand kids, and traveling with his now retired wife.

      My husband has talked about doing the following in about 20 years when he is fully retired (if the world hasn’t blown up by then):
      – volunteering at an animal shelter
      – farming our property that we hope to have by then (he loves woodworking, building things, puttering around outside, and we can’t wait to have chickens again)
      – taking some hunting classes and learning to hunt
      – learning more skills around home repair (electrical, plumbing, building a house potentially)
      – lots of golf!

      Reply ↓
    21. Msd*

      Pickleball!! Have the two of you take a class to learn how to play. There are usually lots of places to play. If there’s a Y near you it probably has both classes and scheduled times for play. Mine also specifies what level the play sessions are for (casual vs competitive). Also check out your senior center (if there’s one in your area). They typically have many activities and trips. Check AARP for resources and volunteer opportunities.

      Reply ↓
      1. ecnaseener*

        Seconding, thirding, and fourthing pickleball. My parents have made literally dozens of friends through pickleball.

        Reply ↓
    22. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My dad (just turned 77) is part of a bowling league, a couple of golf leagues during the summer, runs a bridge club, sings in his church choir. He and my mom were active in an Order of the Eastern Star chapter (and dad in the Freemasons) when I was little, and I wondered if maybe they’d get back to that when they retired, but they did not. (Which I get, I was active in OES and Rainbow when I lived in Washington twelve years ago and while I maintain my membership with my Washington chapter, I didn’t join one when I moved to Indiana because it wasn’t the same.)

      Reply ↓
    23. Girasol*

      If he’s fit he could look for opportunities volunteering with Fish and Game or BLM. At least around here there’s always a need for people to replant where wildfires have gone through. A lot of the volunteers are retirees. For lighter work, museums tend to need volunteers.

      Reply ↓
    24. Fellow Traveller*

      My 79 year old father volunteers to run after school/English programs in a small village in his country of origin- he returns there foe two months wvery hear. Before he did that he wrote articles for a local community newspaper.

      Reply ↓
    25. Roland*

      One friend’s dad had done trail maintenance for many years, and really stepped it up during retirement. They get new people of all ages so I don’t think it’s ever too late for someone outdoorsy.

      Another friend’s dad has shored up him home workshop, but that probably works better if you already have those skills. Never too late to join a class though.

      Reply ↓
    26. allathian*

      My dad retired on disability in his mid-50s, he’ll be 80 later this year. He had same-age friends when he was younger, but most of them have died or are housebound. My dad has severe phone anxiety, and typing is difficult for him. I’ve suggested speech to text software, but so far he hasn’t shown any interest. He has chronic pain that limits what he can do quite a lot. He enjoys reading and watching documentaries on TV when he feels up to it.

      My mom no longer drives so my dad does their shopping.

      My FIL sang in a choir for a long time when he was working, and continued until his cognitive decline got so severe that his doctor notified the authorities that he was no longer fit to drive. He’s in a care home for people with dementia now, pretty much non-verbal, although he still occasionally plays guitar and keyboard to entertain the other residents.

      My MIL’s husband enjoyed ballroom dancing with my MIL until very recently. When he retired 20 years ago, he joined a woodworking class and workshop, and he’s made several pieces of furniture and refurbished several others. Sometimes he takes a longer break until he’s inspired to do it again. He’s active in their church and has composed two self-published CDs of religious music, including a wedding march that accompanied their walk up the aisle 15 years ago.

      I’m so glad that my husband has a bunch of friends and doesn’t expect me to be his social secretary! I do find it jarring to think that I’m old enough at 52 to join many activities for seniors!

      Reply ↓
    27. The OG Sleepless*

      My parents retired at 58 and they both found plenty to do.

      1. Hobbies and groups: It helped that my dad was already in Kiwanis and had some active hobbies. He was an avid horseback rider and they joined a trail riding club. He always seemed to find a fence to fix, a barn to add onto, or firewood to split.

      2. Part time jobs: Dad retired from a local government position, and he continued to be interested in the work they did, so he ran for county commission and served as a commissioner for the next 10 years.

      He continued in exactly this manner for the rest of his life.

      Reply ↓
    28. Nicki Name*

      I’m a gamer and there are tons of men in their 50s and 60s in regular gaming groups. Eurogames, RPGs, miniatures, bridge, you name it.

      Reply ↓
    29. Decidedly Me*

      My FIL played on a baseball team while his health allowed and now goes to the gym. He also volunteers at a museum, which he really enjoys.

      Reply ↓
    30. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      My late dad took a bunch of courses for seniors by professors at the local university here. He also got a lot out of a class on writing poetry at the senior center — he turned out to be a pretty good poet in his 90s!

      Reply ↓
  45. Generic Name*

    Health insurance question. Does anyone have coverage under two separate plans (a primary plan and a secondary plan)? If so, do you think it’s worth it? What kinds of things would the secondary plan cover that the primary plan wouldn’t?

    Reply ↓
    1. HoundMom*

      Generally it only makes sense if there is a true benefit to having a second plan, such as a specific drug is covered under the second plan that is excluded from the first. Or, if you need durable medical equipment that is above the primary plan’s limit ;often a 1,000 a year).

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep — my husband’s health insurance through his work doesn’t include coverage for prescription take-home medications, so every year we look at adding him to mine as a secondary to get them covered, but it never makes financial sense in terms of the added premiums on my plan vs the amount he’s currently spending on meds, using various discount options such as GoodRx and such. His psych is out of network for his insurance, which might be another reason – a doc who isn’t in network on the primary but you don’t want to change docs – but his psych is also out of network for my insurance, so that won’t make much difference either.

        Reply ↓
    2. Msd*

      If you’re on classic Medicare then it is very worthwhile to have secondary/supplemental insurance. It covers most of your Part B expenses. (To me Medicare + a Med Sup is way better than a Medicare Advantage plan)

      For people with regular health insurance it depends on several things – how much are the premiums, what are the benefits, what is it going to cover that your primary insurance doesn’t? Most people don’t have secondary coverage. (Classic Medicare is the exception- then you do want secondary insurance)

      Reply ↓
    3. Generic Name*

      To add more context, the insured person in question is my child. Their other parent and I are divorced and currently child is covered by other parent’s insurance. Relations between me an other parent are not good, so I decided to cover child on my insurance rather than attempt to coordinate anything with them. So paying for two premiums is not an issue. As of now, child is covered under two United plans, and because I’ve had an issue with coordinating benefits with them when I changed jobs in the past, I’m skeptical it would be worth it trying to use two plans. Right now I’m thinking of acting like the plan through other parent doesn’t exist and just going through my plan because I don’t want an administrative nightmare or denials because United healthcare can’t talk to United healthcare.

      Reply ↓
      1. Random Bystander*

        In the case of a child, the other insurance will be present (unless the other parent drops the coverage). Since it’s two coverages from the same insurer, it should be easier to make sure that the COB (coordination of benefits) is correct.

        With children, usually the rule is referred to as the “birthday rule” where whichever parent’s birthday falls first in the calendar is primary and the other is secondary. This doesn’t reflect which parent is older, just which one’s birthday comes first in the calendar year. So if the other parent’s date of birth is before yours (say other parent’s birthday is in April and yours in August, just to pick some random months for the sake of example), then that coverage is primary and yours would deny for other coverage being primary. The only variation in this is in the case of divorce when there is a specific agreement in the decree.

        Reply ↓
    4. Double-covered*

      My coverage from my job is my primary, husband’s insurance is the secondary. It helps A LOT for me, since I’m on an IV biologic drug that is very expensive and has no generics yet. The doc’s office where I get the infusions submits a claim for a HUGE amount of money 6x/yr, and primary insurance covers all but $2k/dose. Secondary insurance covers every dollar of the rest, thankfully. Because the primary plan indicates I’ve hit my out of pocket max after 3 doses, everything else for the year is covered 100% without me paying more than ~$1k total out of pocket.

      If you have high health needs for something, and the secondary coverage isn’t expensive to add, I’d do it. In my and my husband’s case, adding me to his insurance was super cheap (the reverse wouldn’t have been, if he’d been added to my insurance). He also has no chronic health conditions, so he doesn’t need any additional coverage at this point.

      Reply ↓
  46. A lightweight quilt*

    With 2 or 3 months of cold winter weather still to get through, where the night-time temps can range from 10 to low 30s F, I’m hoping to find a new warm bed quilt that is lightweight but not made with down. My current quilt is wonderfully comfy and cozy, but the filling has decisively shifted to one end so it provides very uneven coverage — it has a huge bulge at the bottom and is nearly flat at the top.

    I don’t want to mess with a duvet cover so this has to be a quilt, and it needs to be lightweight. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      To me a quilt is a very specific type of blanket and if that’s what you mean, no advice on that style. I’d be looking for a lightweight, down alternative comforter. Cozy and easy to fluff into shape if needed.

      Reply ↓
    2. Just a name*

      I picked up a nice quilt at Wayfair. It doesn’t have a ton of quilting stuff between the layers and has lots of stitching to keep it in place. I’d rather use extra blankets than a super thick quilt. Wayfair let me search by dimensions because a lot of the king size bedding wasn’t wide enough for my new super tall mattress.

      Reply ↓
    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Re your old quilt – I had a feather quilt that wasn’t well quilted, and the feathers eventually migrated to the end of it. I was ready to throw it out and had folded it up when I realised that I could use it as stuffing for a large European pillowcase I had bought- it squashed in nicely and has made a very comfy cushion that I am leaning on right now!

      Reply ↓
    5. Dainty Lady*

      Indian cotton stuffed coverlets are*exactly* what you want. There’s a specific name for them, what is it… rejai. they can’t be washed, though, which is a drawback.

      Reply ↓
  47. A Zoom echo*

    I’m in a social group of about 15 people that’s been meeting for years, in person pre-Covid, then over Zoom, and now alternating since several members have moved or aged out of being able to drive to our meetings.

    At our most recent Zoom meeting the audio came with an echo/reverb effect that we could not eliminate. As a test, we each spoke briefly and it happened for everyone. Some folks were Zoom-savvy enough to play around with their audio settings, but the reverb persisted for them as well. This was finally resolved when everyone but the host left the meeting and then logged back in, and fortunately our audio was now normal.

    Does anyone have a guess as to what might be causing this? Can we prevent it, or can we fix it other than by logging out and back in (which we aren’t sure would always work)?

    Reply ↓
    1. Double A*

      Was anyone screen sharing? That’s usually the cause that I’ve seen for this. If someone is screen sharing and has computer audio shared it can cause an echo. However, since it happened with everyone that’s kind of weird. If it was truly just a glitch, it probably won’t happen every time and leaving/coming back is the “turning it off and on again” of Zoom troubleshooting (i.e. it often solves the problem).

      Reply ↓
    2. Indolent Libertine*

      This can happen if anyone has the “original sound for musicians” setting toggled on. Could that have been the case?

      Reply ↓
    3. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I’ve had this happen at work many times over the years and my teams have never found a way to prevent it. We can have a dozen calls in a row with no problem (so we know it’s not our settings) and then one call will have the echo glitch. If it doesn’t resolve quickly then logging off and on is frequently the fix, unfortunately. It most often is tied to a single participant’s computer or connection — the problem is, you don’t know who or why! Sometimes you can figure out who by having each person turning their audio off and on. If the echo disappears when they mute, they may have to exit and rejoin the call. But at least not everyone will have to.

      Reply ↓
  48. Elle Woods*

    Does anyone else choose a word of the year for themselves? I’ve been doing it for the past few years and have had varying levels of success exploring how the word plays out in my life throughout the year. This year’s word is LESS.

    Reply ↓
    1. Flower*

      I love this idea! And “less” would be perfect for me, too — may I borrow? Alternatively, I would pick “hope,” because boy does the world, and I personally, need that this year.

      Reply ↓
    2. Six Feldspar*

      I’ve tried to pick a verb for the last few years:
      – 2023 – diversify – got me to try several new things
      2024 – destash – aimed to clear out my arts and crafts supplies with, um, limited success
      2025 – after a few years where by December I find myself maybe not burnt out but definitely crispy, I’m trying to make things easier for myself this year and the closest single word I can think of for that is “simplify”

      Reply ↓
    4. Double A*

      I did this last year. My word was “Connection.” It encouraged me to reach out, to plan social things, to tell people I was thinking of them, to participate in my community. It overall went well, I felt I had a very social year and saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time!

      This year I’m going with the phrase “Conscious Consumption.” I don’t love it because it sounds like marketing, but basically it’s a reminder to be mindful of what I bring into my life — what I’m spending my attention on, what I’m eating, what I’m buying. I guess something like “Mindfulness” would work, but I really want to focus on what I’m spending my time on especially (ie more parameters around mindless scrolling).

      Reply ↓
    5. Peanut Hamper*

      My word would be COMPLETE. I am good at starting things, not so good at completing them (except for crossword puzzles and pizza). So I’m hoping this word will help me establish a habit of completion.

      Reply ↓
      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Ooh! That sounds intriguing. Would you mind providing some context? (As a person who is very happy to stay at home, I am thinking this might be a good one for me.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          I am naturally a homebody anyway but the past few years have been extra nest-y, with several crises that burned me out hard and sapped my energy. When things get hard, I retreat. Things are finally getting better — my mental health is improving and spring will be coming — and I hope to return to the world. It’s time to connect more socially and reboot professionally.

          Reply ↓
  49. Teapot Translator*

    Anyone else get frustrated at how slow getting “in shape” is? I’ve been active for a few years now, but I wasn’t when I was a child or a teenager. I’m always the slowest or weakest in any activity. I keep at it because I want to be active in my old age (years from now), but I get discouraged in the short term.
    Any advice welcome.

    Reply ↓
    1. Saudade*

      I am definitely this person. My advice is to just keep at it. Especially as we get older, and things get harder, generally the people who stick to activities are “better” at them – so there’s a real bias built in. There’s a lot about injuries etc. But, if you stick with it, you will definitely get better, or more in shape or whatever your goal is. My advice with activity is: sticker chart. Pick a goal or metric, and give yourself teeny tiny rewards for progress, and a big reward for accomplishing the goal. So, for example, I totally *hate* working out with machines in the gym. But, every time I go, I write down the exercises and reps I do. And, I can see that over 3 or 4 months, I’ve increased the reps or put extra weight on the machines, so that brings me a lot of encouragement. And, yes, don’t make your goals impossible.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Right, tune out others and try to beat yourself/your own record, focus on meeting your own goals and marvel at the progress you’ve made (even if it doesn’t seem like much, it’s still pretty impressive to be stronger after aging for all those years, right?). Some activities are very competitively-oriented; I skip all those things because it twigs me badly. Nothing with a leaderboard is going to be for me. I like running on a treadmill by myself or doing reps with small weights, or non-competitive classes like zumba or yoga.

        Reply ↓
    2. Manders*

      That’s me. I’ve had the best luck lately with taking classes (spin and Body Pump for me). I find that I’m getting way fitter because I’m pushed harder in class than I would ever push myself. And there’s the added benefit of community in those classes too.

      Reply ↓
    3. Esprit de l'escalier*

      As was said above, the main idea is to keep at it. However much or little progress you are seeing, most likely you are not losing fitness, which is not at all a given as we get older. Our distant ancestors mostly didn’t live long enough to experience old-age weakness, but we do, and it’s important to stave that off as much and for as long as you can. So keep it up!

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        You’d be surprised. Infant mortality was very high, as few as 1 child in 10 lived long enough to reproduce in some places and times, and a large percentage of women died in childbirth until the advent of modern medicine (and still do in places where they can’t access it). But there have been stone age graves where the corpse’s age at death was more than 70.

        Reply ↓
    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, LORD, yes. My body never met an activity it couldn’t plateau on for months or years at a time. It took well over a year to actually see firmness in my arms from pushups, and I still can’t do “real” ones (have to keep my knees down.) I’ve done leg lifts for the same amount of time with no appreciable firming of my dough-stomach, either.

      Reply ↓
    5. Six Feldspar*

      I’m trying to treat any individual session as a practice, not a point on a linear graph (based on advice from a past yoga teacher). If I go to a class and have a bad work out it doesn’t mean I’m going downhill and I shouldn’t bother any more, it just means I was struggling that day.

      For me it’s also key to get *something* out of the individual sessions, not just the promised pay off from the long term habit. I’ve been doing reformer pilates for about six months now and I’m finally noticing some core strength improvements. However the thing that keeps me going back to the classes is that they’re right after work on Monday nights, so I’m getting the benefit of finishing work on time and getting out of the house to do something else that takes all my focus and doesn’t use a screen.

      Reply ↓
    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      I had a yoga teacher who once said, “even a millimeter is progress,” and another who said that we showed up and that was what was important. I think keeping at it is key – just tell yourself you are doing something for yourself (sometimes just telling yourself that you aren’t going backwards is helpful!).

      Reply ↓
    7. Roland*

      No advice but I empathize so much. I’ve always been the worst at physical activities since childhood and into adulthood. Sucks but all we can do is try to find activities that are truly low-pressure and all-levels. Like I enjoy yoga but cannot count the instructors whose classes I’ll never take a 2nd time because I don’t need to cry from middle school flashbacks when I’m supposed to be taking care of myself. Meanwhile other instructors offer different variations right off the bat, explain things in a positive, acknowledge that not everyone can do a headstand, etc. The people who show up to classes also make a big difference.

      Reply ↓
    8. Qwerty*

      I find it helpful to track multiple items because I figure I’m usually making some small progress in one area even if I don’t feel it overall.

      I have asthma and no muscles, so when I get back into running its more like walking with an occasional jog. Getting back to my “in shape” definition of running 3miles without a walking break is a long slog, so I have multiple smaller goals that I track my progress towards like
      – Average 2 mile distance
      – Run 1 mile before stopping for my first walk break
      – Average X min / miles pace overall

      Each workout usually felt like I made progress towards one of the goals – maybe I pushed myself on my first running stretch but then was really slow the rest of the run. Even just tracking all the workouts and metrics made me feel accomplished because I could see that I was sticking with it our that my pace was getting 1sec faster each run.

      Celebrate the small wins and don’t compare yourself to others.

      Reply ↓
    9. strawberry lemonade*

      Yes. Source: started powerlifting, started competing when I was dead last in competition, have stuck with the very slow improvement. There are a few strategies you can try out, they’re all true:

      -There will always be someone better than you and someone worse than you. If you’re at the bottom of a workout group, you’re still better at the thing than a person who ISN’T in the group. This is maybe the least friendly strategy but hey, it’s the privacy of your own head.

      -Being good or bad at the thing has no value. This is something you’re doing because you enjoy it, or it makes you feel good, or because it has nice health effects. A person who’s worse than you at the activity should still be able to do it and enjoy it; that goes for you too.

      -Compete with yourself, on the correct timescale. You won’t be better than you were yesterday, but you probably are better than you were two years ago. Try keeping records so you’re not relying on your memory; your memory is going to be biased toward recency and toward your existing mindset that you haven’t improved.

      Finally this isn’t a strategy but what is “in shape”? You’ve been active for multiple years now. That’s “in shape”! Can your body do what you want? Do you enjoy using your body? Are you improving/maintaining abilities that are crucial in old age like, getting up from the floor? Then you’re already there!

      Exercise is not really helpful on its own for becoming thin, if that’s what in shape means to you, but it is really helpful for health and for living joyfully in the world. Id definitely consider, what are your goals? Because I agree that “just keep doing this forever I guess” is a pretty dispiriting goal and no wonder it’s easily stymied in the short term. The only way I know to do something like that is to find enjoyment AND interest in it.

      Reply ↓
    10. TPS reporter*

      I like tracking progress in a lot of areas. it gives you various ways to gauge your overall health where you can see progress potentially faster than “shape” (not sure what that means exactly)

      you could for example pick one exercise and track at the beginning of let’s say a 3 month span then again at the end of the 3 months- for example you could track the lbs of weight in a certain lift or run speed or time spent in a plank.

      you could also track health data that is not just weight, like blood pressure, resting heart rate, how much sleep you’re getting.

      or you could do food, like how much water per day, how many veggies you eat, grams of protein.

      Reply ↓
    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      You go! : ) I am also slow and weak compared to others, and I used to think that my level of exercise “doesn’t count,” but I realized that slow and steady wins the race. The little old lady in my building who goes out every day, even if it’s just to the mailbox at the corner, is still active enough to keep on going at quite an advanced age, and I aim to be like her.

      Reply ↓
    12. Camelid coordinator*

      I’ve had to change my definition of success for fitness lately. I try to notice my improved mood more than my pace or to give myself kudos for my consistency. I am pretty motivated by the idea that I am making a deposit in the muscle bank for later in life. I bet you are doing better than you think!

      Reply ↓
  50. Elizabeth West*

    Anyone have any cool craft things they’ve done lately, particularly ones where you recycle old items into something new?

    This is silly, but I’m excited about it. I had these two old non-stick cookie pans that were looking a bit worse for wear. I found two really nice replacements at TJ Maxx, but I didn’t know what to do with the old ones. You can’t recycle non-stick pans, so ???

    Well I’ve been looking in vain for boot trays that fit in this tiny apartment — all the plastic ones at the store are too long (and ugly). But the cookie sheets are the perfect size, and since I have two outer doors, I can put one beside each! Last week I went to Lowe’s and bought two bags of assorted beach pebbles, black spray enamel semi-gloss primer/paint, and some construction adhesive. I’m going to paint them black, then glue the best flat rocks into them to make little decorative boot trays. The rocks will elevate wet shoes a bit and the weight will keep the trays from sliding around.

    Sorting through the rocks yesterday made me happy. I can use the leftover small ones in my plant pots. :) I’ve got nowhere to put the rest, but I can stick the bag outside the back door — I’m on the third floor and no one will bother it. There are some bigger ones I’d love to put in a flowerbed or planter when I have a yard again.

    This might have cost me a little more than it’s worth, but I think it will be very neat.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bibliovore*

      I have been felting the holes in all of my sweaters and scarves and mittens. I use a contrasting color- orange for grey scarf and it looks like random spots and dots. Its oddly satisfying.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m 100% sure I’m not the first person to think of it, but it made me kinda squee a little when I did!

        Also I like cool rocks, haha.

        Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      That sounds cool! Mostly I just do mending which isn’t very creative or exciting, but I like to repurpose my kids’ patterned leggings that are too small/not worth fixing as patches. They both have a lot of solid pants with cupcakes, dinosaurs, etc on the knees.

      Reply ↓
    5. Turtle Dove*

      Last year I was inspired by a walking buddy’s winter hat to pin a fabric flower onto my wool hat, just for fun. I’ve had lots of compliments. This week I anchored it with a few stitches so it’s not so floppy. Next I want to pull out my other pins, long neglected, and see what else I can decorate. Coat lapel? Scarf? Purse? I’ve also been considering how best to mend an old wool sweater that’s cozy but full of holes from cat claws. I checked out felting thanks to Bibliovore’s post, and that might be a fun solution.

      Reply ↓
    6. Alex*

      A couple of years ago, I put out a request on Buy Nothing for old wool sweaters that were no good to wear anymore, and I felted them and made Christmas decorations/gifts out of them–tree ornaments, decorative trivets, and a few other random things. They came out so well! I’d never done anything like that before so I was pretty impressed with my work lol.

      Reply ↓
    8. Anonymous Cat*

      Totally different topic, but have you read Friday’s open thread? Someone has a shoutout to you asking about your job.

      Reply ↓
    9. InkyFingers*

      I repurposed old plastic ice cube trays in my jewelry drawer—the “cubes” are perfect for keeping earrings, rings, light necklaces and slim bracelets separated.

      Reply ↓
  51. Leslie*

    Does anyone remember that article about the woman who completely lost it when someone greeted her in an email with the wrong name? Think saying “Hi Annie” instead of “Hi Ann!”. She just kept writing back and forth with the woman about how the name was wrong. Could someone link the article?

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Her name was Elizabeth and they called her Liz, and I can’t find the article because everything I google comes up with Elizabeth Warren. But maybe that will help?

      Reply ↓
  52. Not your typical admin*

    Currently looking through Pinterest, but thought I’d ask here for ideas as well.

    My almost 11 year old decided today that she wants to do a Wicked theme for her birthday party at the end of the month. I figure decorations should be easy with lots of pink and green; but I need ideas for cute food and games/activities. Spam me with any suggestions.

    Reply ↓
    2. Generic Name*

      Cupcake decorating. Have some of the cupcakes strawberry and half green (or chocolate?). Pink/green frosting and sprinkles, etc.

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Pink or green punch (make sure it’s fizzy/bubbly looking).

      Karaoke/sing along?

      At that age they’re kind of on the cusp of being too old for games/organized activities, but maybe something like a dress up relay with themed accessories (you have the outfits at one end and people have to run, put it on, run back and transfer it to the next teammate, etc). Elphaba accessories would be knit beanie or witch hat, black robe/cape, maybe green gloves and Galinda would be a crown, pink tutu or cape, flower.

      The set design for the show has a lot of gears/clocks/kind of steampunk stuff so maybe a craft incorporating that, like jewelry making or decorating mini treasure chests.

      Reply ↓
    4. Ali + Nino*

      I like to do a “photo booth” for my kids’ birthday parties – for your theme can you get some dress up accessories for the two witches and let everyone dress up, take different photos on a camera that prints automatically, and then let them decorate a frame for the photo. that goes into the goody bag.
      we also always do a pinata at the end of the party – see if you can get or make one on theme.
      for games, how about a wicked trivia game, maybe with teams? Karaoke with songs from the musical/movie? Hope this helps!

      Reply ↓
    5. I just really can’t think of a name*

      Would she enjoy karaoke? Or a dance party? I’m sure there’s a Wicked-inspired playlist on Spotify that includes but goes beyond the soundtrack and is fun to dance to. I don’t know how much time/space/energy you’re willing to put in, but a photo backdrop with a bunch of props (witch hat, tiara, broom, etc.) and a mini photo printer is likely to be a hit with that age group. Another activity/party favor could be making friendship bracelets (there are Wicked-themed kits on Etsy if you need inspiration or just don’t want to DIY).

      Reply ↓
    6. Spooky recipes*

      Look online for spooky party food. I remember seeing some pop-n-fresh dough shaped or twisted to look like witch fingers (with an almond sliver for the fingernail). Seems like that would appeal to kids

      Reply ↓
  53. Cj*

    I enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together on my computer, and was wondering if anybody knows of a program I can use to turn my personal photographs into digital jigsaw puzzles.

    I’ve tried Googling it, but all I come up with are companies that produce physical jigsaw puzzles from your photos. the only website I found that does digital turns the photo into something like 10 pieces, and it’s obviously geared towards kids.

    I’m not necessarily looking for something that’s free, but also don’t want to spend a ton of money.

    Reply ↓
      1. Cj*

        this looks like exactly what I want, but when I try to turn one of my photos into a puzzle it says it can’t access my device because permissions are denied or something like that.

        I’m pretty good at changing the permissions for apps I have installed on my phone, but this appears to be done strictly on the website, and not an app you can install on your phone. do you or anybody with more technical skills that I have any ideas?

        Reply ↓
    2. ronda*

      on the jigsaw app I use on my iPad, Jigsaw Puzzle (by Kristanix)
      on the left menu, select puzzles, scroll to end, there is an icon for Your Photos. When I pressed the + , it accessed the photos on my iPad. I didnt do further, cause I dont really want that

      Reply ↓
  54. The Dude Abides*

    Tech-savvy people, help!

    I have an old external HD, and when I connect it to my Windows laptop, it will show up in Device Manager but will not appear in File Explorer. I’m fearful of losing everything I have on it.

    Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I second the suggestion to back up your files in a cloud-based app when you’re plugged into your Mac. Perhaps you already have something like that.

        This might not be relevant to your situation, but just in case… I am not tech-savvy and know only what I have to learn. One of those things is how easy it would be to lose all of my files. I now have everything automatically backing up to the cloud once a week, and I can manually add anything important in between back-ups.

        I know of a case where someone had things backed up on an external drive but lost everything when the house was destroyed in a disaster. I live in an old building and think about earthquakes where I live, another reason I use the cloud rather than only external drive.

        Reply ↓
        1. The Dude Abides*

          Most of my stuff nowadays is cloud-based.

          The stuff still on the HD I’d like to save is 20ish GB of music – I refuse to pay a monthly fee for music.

          Reply ↓
      2. fhqwhgads*

        The drive may be formatted with APFS. For Windows to recognize it, it’d need to be NTFS, but you should NOT reformat a drive when there’s stuff on it.
        There’s an ancient format readable by both called FAT, but you’d need to have formatted it that way before putting stuff on the drive for that to help.
        So basically, get your stuff off the drive using your mac.

        Reply ↓
        1. Roland*

          If the desktop app doesn’t work, you can always use the dropbox website directly to upload. I would hate for you to lose your files so I think it’s important to figure SOMETHING out asap.

          Reply ↓
          1. Roland*

            Actually, same for one drive or google drive. You don’t need to use the programs. The website interface wil be more work than background sync but this is an external drive anyway.

            Reply ↓
      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Or even, if you have another newer external drive that does talk to both computers (or that you can format to talk to both), you can plug both into the Mac and just move stuff from the old one to the new one.

        Reply ↓
    3. Peanut Hamper*

      It could be that it is formatted in a way that the Mac understands but that is not compatible with Windows.

      If you are on Windows now, I would suggest buying an externall SDD, plugging into your Windows machine to make sure it works there (reformat it using Windows if necessary), and then plugging both into your Mac and transferring the data over.

      Reply ↓
  55. WoodswomanWrites*

    I’m looking for ideas for an annual letter to friends. I’ve always appreciated the ones I’ve received from others but haven’t written one myself. Additionally, I’d like to include as part of it a summary that goes back longer because I went silent and lost touch with some people over the years due to physical and mental health things, the pandemic, losses in my family, the state of the world as an activist, etc. I’m eager to reconnect with these folks where it’s been a long time.

    I know a LOT of people. I’ll be sending 30-40 letters. I don’t want to minimize or hide why I disappeared, but of course want the bulk of the letter to be more upbeat. For those of you who have received annual letters from people, what were the kinds of things you appreciated hearing about? I plan to include some photos of places I’ve been.

    Reply ↓
    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      I like knowing what people do for hobbies and see a picture related to the hobby (something they created or them doing whatever the hobby is), if they mention a book they particularly enjoyed, or a new recipe they tried. Maybe a bit about what you are planning to do in the coming year. Any discussion about your pets! And a bit about people in your life (partner, parents, kids) especially if there’s a big impact (our letter mentioned getting my MIL moved out here).

      Reply ↓
    2. Healthcare Worker*

      If I were your friend, I would be delighted to hear from you! My advice is to not spend too long deciding what to write and get it in the mail. I’m afraid I would worry over what to include and the letter would never happen!

      Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      In the past year I have gotten a couple of letters from people with “Here’s where I’ve been for the past several years” updates, and sent one when I got a “what do you mean, the cancer is in remission” reply to a brief card. From this experience, it’s generally easier to send the updates to individuals where you have adapted the text to cover how much of this is new information to them.

      (Examples: For the first set, one of my college cohort seems to now have a 20 year old daughter, so: a lot happened in there while he was radio silent. He seems to be single but didn’t mention whether this was divorce or other. In my reply, I talked about the cancer, since that’s been my major life shaper for the past few years. For the second set, a distant friend had responded to a brief general note with “Wait, what do you mean the cancer is in remission” (apparently I had talked about it in such vague terms that it wasn’t clear it was me); with her I talked about the cancer and about cutting contact with my sister, because she had met my sister and parents several times and seen our dynamic; that depth wouldn’t have been appropriate for someone who didn’t know my family of origin.)

      So I would start with a letter aimed at people who have known what happened in the past few years, with a yearly update. And then add a paragraph summing up the past five (or whatever number) years aimed at people with whom you’ve been out of touch for longer. And assign the two versions (I wouldn’t go higher than three) based on your idea of what parts will be new to them.

      I quite enjoy receiving these letters. As you say, the tone should be generally upbeat–I stopped sending them when I get hit with the cancer diagnosis just before Christmas.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That’s good advice about not assuming people are up to speed. I’ll look on my list for people I haven’t been in touch with for the longest time, and make sure my letter would make sense to them.

        I’m rooting for you on your cancer journey.

        Reply ↓
    4. old curmudgeon*

      We get these from several friends/family members, and we love reading all of them. That said, there’s a lot of variation according to who wrote the letter, which I see as a feature, not a flaw.

      Several of our regular annual letter-writers send something that resembles a travelogue, basically recounting all the trips and journeys they took all year long. Those are interesting because we’re homebodies who very seldom travel, so it’s a fun glimpse of a very different lifestyle.

      We’re at the age where many of our contemporaries have young-adult kids, and it’s always fun (if occasionally baffling) to hear about what the younger generation is up to. In at least one family, the young adult has taken over the annual letter-writing task, which has resulted in some fascinating letters from their perspective instead of their parents’.

      We love updates and stories about pets! The year that our letter included a story about our cat jumping on the gas stove, turning on a burner with a misplaced paw and winding up with frizzled whiskers (no injuries except to his whiskers and his dignity) got more responses than any other letter I’ve ever sent.

      One of our favorite annual letters is written comic-book style – the author fills an 8.5×11 page with little boxes about 2″ square, and uses those to depict what they, their spouse, their pets and their family did in stick figures. It’s quite hilarious, and there’s always stiff competition in our household to be the first to read it when it arrives.

      We do appreciate our friends and family sharing news that may not be happy/funny/exciting, too. If our friends are dealing with a new health challenge, mourning the loss of a beloved pet, or navigating an unplanned job change, it is good to know about both to offer any assistance we might be capable of and to avoid faux pas in future conversations.

      I haven’t sent letters the past couple of years, and am thinking myself about how to resume the tradition and what to include. In my case, I chose not to send annual letters because an adult family member has been dealing with some really difficult issues and I did not want to violate their privacy, and also did not want to simply not mention them at all since that would have sparked all sorts of questions, so I just didn’t send any letters. I haven’t decided yet whether or not to resume the tradition; I think it will depend partly on whether or not I can come up with a page’s worth of mildly amusing comments and anecdotes, since that’s my usual style. So I’m reading other replies here and taking notes.

      Reply ↓
    5. Weekend Warrior*

      I love getting these update letters and I would be even happier to get one from someone who’s been out of touch for a while. Heck, I even like getting them from people who I see more regularly as it’s so interesting to se what they’d like to capture about their past year. No need for any long explanations or apologies for being out of touch. Life happens to everyone. Just focus on sending a few highlights, and lowlights depending on your audience, enough to catch people up with the main events and where you are now. Go generic for the bulk of the letter and add a few personalized sentences at the beginning or end, or in the accompanying email if you’re sending the letter that way. The important thing is to write and SEND it, don’t get bogged down.

      Not only will people love to hear from you, you will have created for yourself a recap of the past year (or longer if you go that way) that will be very fun to look back on.

      Of course, all this advice I’m dishing out goes double for me and I’m going to get down to an annual letter myself today. The fact that I missed the “holiday letter” window doesn’t mean people won’t be glad to hear from me. :)

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yep, the getting bogged down thing has kept me creating a letter at all for some time. I’ve committed myself now by sending emails to many people asking for their mailing address to send a paper letter. That ended up being 54 people, and that’s not including the people whose addresses I already have. Clearly I need to set aside quite some time for this project.

        Reply ↓
  56. WoodswomanWrites, ridiculous dreams*

    I had the goofiest dream last night and I’m laughing about it now. I’d love to hear about your dreams that are funny.

    Mine? I dreamed I was dating Billy Crystal.

    Reply ↓
    2. Llellayena*

      A fish climbed out of a lake through a hole in the ice and emerged as a fully clothed human girl wearing roller skates. She skated off to a nearby house, climbed into a sleigh in the front yard and crashed the sleigh into the front stoop. The family (mom, dad, 4 boys) come out all smiling and thrilled to see this girl in their front yard and they’re all about to break into song, broadway style, when I wake up…I was very confused…

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Once I had a dream that I crashed the Titanic… on purpose… because Hitler was on board. It was very dramatic in the dream but hilarious to remember when I woke up. Around the time I was watching a lot of Doctor Who.

      Reply ↓
    4. Coffee*

      my colleague was black mailing me over working on FML and wanted me to vote for her in our departmental elections in exchange for being quiet

      Reply ↓
    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just woke up from a dream that my coworker and I were being chased down (like, action movie lives at risk style) by – gasp – an Operative from our Telecom department. I never did figure out what we had done to prompt this.

      Reply ↓
        1. TPS reporter*

          the main character is going through a lot (her exes keep dying in mysterious ways). she has a thing for Billy Crystal and his movies comfort her. the show is very darkly humorous

          Reply ↓
  57. Making yourself visible in the dark (Bike Walk Barb)*

    Question first, then why I am asking: If you walk or bike at night, do you have any recommendations for actively lighted elements on yourself/your clothing to make you more visible? I’m looking at things like a clip-on or strap-on small light I could wear on my gloves, a chest strap with front and rear lights, maybe both. I want things to add to the lights on my bike and my helmet that would help drivers see me in the dark that aren’t going to be heavy, annoying, easily lost, or unrechargeable.

    Lecture/background: I work in transportation and the best solution to not being seen when I’m walking or biking at night would be if we had more pedestrian-scale lighting in more places–systemic solutions, not ones that rely on me having the means to buy stuff and batteries being charged.

    In the meantime, it’s the dark rainy days of winter and last year I had a very close call with a driver who decided to whip past me (crossing over a double yellow line) just as I went to make a left-hand turn, despite the lights on my bike and helmet and riding in the lane right in front of them so they knew I was there. Hence the idea to add a light on my glove so they’d see me signalling.

    Before you suggest retroreflective clothing, bear in mind that those items reflect light so the driver’s headlights have to be pointed at you. That doesn’t provide as much advance notice as lighting and headlights pointing at me really isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the world when I don’t know whether they’re actually looking down the road or busy reading and texting while they drive. That’s why I want things that I light up myself.

    I’ve done some online browsing and read reviews. Hoping for direct experience, especially if your nighttime outdoor activity includes rainy conditions.

    Reply ↓
    1. Reba*

      I have the Knog “Plus” lights sold as a twin pack of red and white. They are narrow and super light, have multiple blinky patterns, and can be attached with either a little elastic rubber strap or slid on like a clip. I put one on the strap of my belt bag and one on something else – bag or jacket or whatever. (This is in addition to the lights attached to the bike, which are the Knog Blinders, highly recommended they are super obnoxious, lol.) I haven’t used one on my glove or wrist but sounds like a good idea.
      Many people like wheel lights aka spoke lights. I used to have the cheapy ones that screw to the tire valve, they died, and I’ve been meaning to replace them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Making yourself visible in the dark (Bike Walk Barb)*

        I used to have a Knog light and remember liking it. Thanks!

        I should have mentioned I do have wheel lights. Mine slide in between a couple of spokes and stick. I like the “wheels o’ flame” effect they give as they cycle through different colors. It’s the turns that are trickier because I’m not yet sideways to the driver before I turn so they may not really notice the wheels.

        Reply ↓
    2. Pop*

      I have a Noxgear lighted vest, which is the popular brand among my running friends. It’s adjustable so it’s one size fits most. I haven’t had mine for very long but again, highly recommended by my serious running friends. They go on sale fairly regularly.

      Reply ↓
      1. AK_Blue*

        This is my recommendation also! Rechargeable, easy to use, steady lights or blinking patterns, light to wear as well. And great customer service! We’ve had ours for 4 years now and it’s going strong.

        Reply ↓
      2. Camelid coordinator*

        Here is a third vote for Noxgear. I get a lot of second looks when I am wearing mine, which matches your goal.

        Reply ↓
      3. Molybdenum26*

        I’ve had my Noxgear “vest” for years and I regularly get compliments on well I can be seen from the bicyclists on my running path. It got me through winter marathon training when nearly all my miles were in the dark.

        I say “vest” because it’s really two long plastic tubes that light up front and back that are connected by some webbing. It will go over any existing clothing and has probably 25 different modes of colors.

        Reply ↓
    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I don’t know the answer, but I’m super glad you’re asking this. I almost hit someone running in the road at night in the rain with hardly any kind of reflective anything on.
      And one thing I realized is that reflective stuff at night in the rain just looks like rain at night!
      I’m glad I was driving slowly and was able to swerve out of her way when she swerved into the road out of the breakdown lane. Not sure why she wasn’t on the sidewalk…

      Reply ↓
      1. Making yourself visible in the dark (Bike Walk Barb)*

        Great point about the shininess as a problem, not a solution.

        I can think of many reasons not to be on a sidewalk including slippery leaves, upheaved concrete that’s a tripping hazard, better lighting in the street if it’s lit for drivers and not for pedestrians. Same for not riding in a bike lane–it may be full of crud, broken glass, grates that are parallel with my tires rather than perpendicular, puddles I don’t want to ride through because I don’t know what’s under there. Maintenance work is definitely safety work for people walking or riding. We’d rather not mix it up in traffic if we can help it; we know who loses in those encounters. Thanks so much for being a careful driver!

        Reply ↓
        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Good points! I just wish she had been going in the opposite direction because then she would have seen me. I was pretty shook up afterwards and I’m sure she was too!

          Reply ↓
    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Whatever you do, don’t make it overly bright and avoid strong flashing lights, too.
      I have had cyclists aim a bright flashing light right in my eyes while I was already stopped at a light. Instant migraine. Blinding drivers doesn’t make you safer.

      Reply ↓
      1. Making yourself visible in the dark (Bike Walk Barb)*

        Totally agree! I dislike the “lumen wars”. I don’t need a laser beam, just enough light pointing down the road to see where I’m going. The added lights I’m seeking now are more for others to see me.

        Flashing lights can be a trigger at a critical frequency for someone who’s prone to seizures, too, and I’d hate to have that happen. My safety advice to others is that we shouldn’t be lighted in a way that signals “Here I am! No I’m not! Here I am! Just kidding! Here I am!”

        Reply ↓
      2. Abigail*

        Removed. Please stop this; 95% of the comments you attempt to post are purely to police and judge other commenters, and that is not your role here, nor is it welcome. (Most of them do not get out of moderation for that reason.) – Alison

        Reply ↓
    5. LBD*

      Adding my agreement to the concept of light vs reflection. As a driver who sometimes makes left turns at busy intersections on dark rainy nights, I really appreciate the pedestrians who wear light colours or carry some kind of light. Your reflective gear won’t show up until I am well into my turn, and by then my options don’t look great. I usually delay my turn until I am absolutely sure there are no stealth pedestrians approaching, but it is hard to spot them sometimes, and often people don’t realise that, although they can see the cars easily, the drivers can’t see them.
      When I was a full time cycle commuter, I would attach a clip on bicycle back light to my back pack, as well as my other lights. Would the kind of lights that clip to dog collars work to clip to a jacket cuff or a glove tab?

      Reply ↓
    6. allathian*

      You can also get turning signal lights for your bike, both for the handlebars and the rear. That way you don’t have to let go of the handlebars at any time, any more than you would to switch gears. People do it without thinking but it’s actually quite risky, especially if you don’t have a foot brake, as most modern bikes for adults don’t.

      In summer 2020 I started riding again after a break of nearly 20 years. The only thing that’s still giving me trouble is steering with one hand.

      Reply ↓
    7. supply closet badger*

      So glad that you are okay, that sounds like a scary experience!

      I unfortunately don’t have any specific product recommendations, as it sounds like my current bike lighting setup is the same as yours, but I hope you get some good suggestions!

      One thing that did occur to me when thinking about the specific situation you describe is whether it might be safer to do a hook turn rather than a regular left-hand turn (assuming you’re in a country that drives on the right)? I feel it gives the cyclist a little more control as we can stop and look for a clear break in car traffic, rather than relying on the driver behind us to a) recognise and b) respect the turning hand signal. I worry that a lot of drivers in car-centric places simply won’t notice or understand what the hand signals mean, so I’m not sure if having a light on your hand would actually help all that much … I do like allathian’s suggestion about getting actual indicator lights for your bike for this reason, also. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    8. Buni*

      You can definitely get Indicator Gloves, because I know people who have them. They are exactly as described, gloves with a blinking orange light on the back so there’s a clear signal for anyone behind you when you turn.

      Reply ↓
    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Spouse recommends multiple lights, which creates the impression of volume–“I’m not a firefly; I’m a large moving thing.” If some are on you and some on the bike that carries the impression of how the large thing is moving–like making a motion capture image of yourself. He has front and back lights on his helmet, and on the bike and handlebars (so visible around his body from the back). As others have said, he emphasizes that light is important, great brightness is not and can be a negative.

      He further says he has read of aiming a light down and left to illuminate the road to your left where the car will pass, and this has reportedly inspired passing cars to give the bicyclist a lot more room. He hasn’t tried it yet. (When he does a bike commute it’s now mostly on bike paths, with some 1 mile dark suburban street sections between the bike paths.)

      Reply ↓
    10. Generic Name*

      As a driver, honestly anything that illuminates, is a huge help. I’ve seen lighted collars and leashes for dogs and I’ve seen people with lighted necklaces.

      I totally agree with pedestrian level lighting at intersections. I change my route home in the winter months because there is one intersection that is configured in such a way that makes it difficult to see pedestrians. I turn right at it, and pedestrians don’t always activate the walk signal, or will cross on a red light (yes, in the dark) so I can’t rely on the visual signal of the walk light being activated when I can’t see anyone. So I switched my route to avoid this intersection.

      Reply ↓
    1. Enough*

      amazon
      The Original Whisk-Eze Spring Coil Whisk *Patent Pending* Vintage Style French Whisk Self-Standing with Flexible Silicone Rim for Scrap

      Walmart
      Norpro 8.5″ Stainless Steel Silicone Coil Mini Saucinator Whisk – Mix Beat Blend

      These are the only ones with silicone I found that are not the tradition style whisks.

      Reply ↓
    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have an Oxo roux whisk (or flat whisk, I’ve seen it called both) that has been my go-to for thickening sauces for a couple decades now, but that isn’t useful if you’re set on a spring whisk.

      Reply ↓
    3. Luisa in Dallas*

      We have a silicone Cuisipro whisk. We have used it for many years, so I can definitely recommend it. They are sold on Amazon.

      Reply ↓
  59. Chopped chocolate*

    I have a baking question. Sometimes a cake or cookie recipe calls for some weight of chocolate and says to chop it. I assume this would be a solid piece of chocolate, not chips. How do you chop chocolate? I can’t figure out how to do it although it seems like it should be obvious. When I tried chopping a bar of dark chocolate, it splintered and made a big mess. Also, what kind of chocolate would you buy for this kind of recipe?

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      Use a big knife and a cutting board. Yes, it will splinter, more than cut like a vegetable would. Go kinda slow to contain the mess. It’s ok if the pieces aren’t even. I chop up a chocolate bar for my signature cookies and the different size pieces are kinda the point.

      Reply ↓
    2. Not A Manager*

      Yes, it’s not meant to be diced or minced. Sometimes you’re supposed to chop chocolate so it will melt more easily in hot liquid. It doesn’t matter whether the pieces are even or not, so long as they are small enough to melt. Other times you’re going to bake it into brownies or cookies, or sprinkle it on top of a cake. In that case, chop it into pieces that are the size you’d like to eat in whatever the application is. The pieces won’t be even and that’s okay.

      If you’re a perfectionist, use a chocolate bar that’s scored into even sizes, like Ghirardelli bittersweet. Break the bar into those pieces, and then break each piece into rough quarters with your hands. Now you can roughly chop across the chocolate to get smaller, rough bits but you won’t have any large weird outliers.

      Reply ↓
    3. LBD*

      Stabbing the point of a sturdy knife into the chocolate can help to get the chopping process started. Put it on a cutting board first, of course!

      Reply ↓
    4. Rosengilmom*

      I use a serrated knife, place it gently atop the chocolate, press slow and steady, seems to keep the bits from flying around. No big up-and-down motions

      Reply ↓
    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not gonna lie, I usually just use chocolate chips if the recipe wants chocolate in small bits. :)

      Reply ↓
    6. Falling Diphthong*

      This is where Ghirardelli’s thin baking bars are vastly superior to Baker’s thick baking bars.

      If you are going to melt the chocolate, the chips are fine. I usually do the Ghirardelli bars if the amount of chocolate is divisible by 4 oz, and chips for anything smaller than that.

      If the goal is hunks of chocolate in a cookie, chips are fine if chopping is in any way a hassle. You can often buy extra large chips, along with mini chips.

      Reply ↓
    7. Winter goodness*

      You can also chop chips: the purpose of this is to have pieces of different sizes scattered throughout. For example, if you use chips in cookies, you’re either getting plain cookie dough or a chocolate chip. Chopping chips makes smaller pieces of chocolate that get scattered throughout the cookie, and you don’t get plain cookie dough sections. Some people think that’s desirable.

      Reply ↓
    8. Reba*

      Some chocolates are more brittle than others, especially dark and unsweetened. I happen to like the little tiny fragments in a cookie. The serrated knife or bread knife tip is a good one.

      Reply ↓
  60. Esprit de l'escalier*

    Dear Excel gurus, I need help! I have an Excel spreadsheet for my personal financial info, and just now this odd thing happened on one of the sheets: a separate one-line section appeared at the top, above Row #1, and its contents are whatever row the cursor happens to be on in the main (and should be the only) section. As I scroll down the page, that line changes as I go. It has its own one-line scroll bar, which is why it seems to be a separate section.

    I find this extra line extremely distracting and annoying, both because it keeps changing and because I expect to see column labels in the top row. I tried closing the file without saving, which made me very sad when I re-opened the file and it was still there.

    What does Excel call this kind of section? How can I remove it? And what might have caused it to show up there? I would hate to see it happen on other sheets.

    Reply ↓
    1. 653-CXK*

      It sounds like you have the Split or Freeze Panes function on, which will split any of the cells up for easier scrolling without having to go back and forth.

      – Select the entire spreadsheet by clicking where the triangle is (above Column A, Row 1)
      – Go to View on the menus. If the Split function has a box around it, click that box to turn it off.
      – If the Freeze Panes button is on, click the button and select Unfreeze panes.

      Your spreadsheet should then return to normal without the top line.

      Reply ↓
      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Thank you! I had a moment of panic when I couldn’t find a Split function under VIEW, but there was a New Window function there that was turned on and I tried clicking on it to turn it off, and that restored my single page. What a relief!

        I have kind of a love-hate relationship with Excel — it is very handy for tracking my expenses, but I don’t use it enough to have gotten good at it and once in a while I screw it up in some mysterious way.

        Reply ↓
        1. 653-CXK*

          I use Excel daily – whether it’s for my sleep apnea tracking, my blood pressure tracking, or just goofing off. I’ve used it more in the six years I’ve been at CurrentJob than at ExJob, and have learned more functions (pivot tables and keyboard shortcuts FTW!) than I did.

          I use Split when I don’t feel like scrolling back and forth between multiple columns, but I find that Freeze Panes works best for just the first row.

          Reply ↓
    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Fantastic! This is a great poem on its own and even more wonderful with the Ask a Manager reference. I love hearing it read aloud, so much more affecting than reading it in print.

      Reply ↓
  62. Camelid coordinator*

    I am traveling to Montreal for fun for about a week at the end of January (spouse has a conference part of the week). Any tips or suggestions? We are staying at the Intercontinental Hotel downtown and have hockey tickets for the PWHL Victoire and NHL Devils/Canadiens game. (Let’s hope the Devils are playing better by then.)

    I’d like to play outside in the winter and figured I’d bring my skates. Is it worth bringing my snowshoes, too, or should I just rent? And where should I go? I can’t wait to hear your suggestions!

    Reply ↓
    1. Winter goodness*

      I probably wouldn’t bring my snowshoes. While it’s cold right now, I’m not sure there’s really enough snow for snowshoeing – caveat: I’m not there right now, and looked at webcams. Doesn’t seem like a lot of snow at the moment. Will you have a car? Definitely going up/around Mont Royal is worthwhile/fun. I’ll include a link in a following comment, but Ile Bizard is good, and Cap St Jacques.

      Reply ↓
    3. Teapot Translator*

      There’s an indoor ice skating ring at Atrium Le 1000 or there’s an outdoor one at l’Esplanade Tranquille. These are both downtown. If you want to walk around nature in the city, go to the Mont Royal (the hill in the middle of the city). Depending on the weather we’ve had by the time you’re here, you might need ice cleats (but not snowshoes). If you have a car, there are places to go for snowshoeing, but not really in town. If there is enough snow, people ski on the Mont Royal. There might be a rental place at the top, but I don’t know because I don’t ski.
      If I think of anything else, I’ll try to mention it in next week’s thread.

      Reply ↓
    4. Camelid coordinator*

      Thank you both! I am very excited about our trip, which is a milestone birthday celebration for the hubs tacked on to a work trip.

      Reply ↓
  63. Ali + Nino*

    Any recommendations for waterproof hair coverings? for swimming in a pool. looking for brands/websites, preferably under $20. I have medium-length, thick hair so it needs to have room for that! more than keeping my hair dry while swimming it really just needs to cover the hair. thank you !

    Reply ↓
    1. just another commenter*

      I had a TYR brand Swim cap and it seemed to work well. I think if you google that you’ll find what I’m talking about.

      Reply ↓
    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Back when I was swimming, I found that a standard fabric swimming cap worn underneath a standard rubber swimming cap worked really well to keep my hair dry. An added bonus of wearing two caps is that the fabric caps don’t shred your hair like the rubber caps do. The disclaimer here is that I have short/medium length hair, so you may have to experiment a bit with cap sizes to find a combination that works for your hair.

      Reply ↓
    3. Alex*

      You can buy swim caps specifically for long hair. Any swim supply source will have them–I purchase these kinds of things from swimoutlet dot com.

      Reply ↓
    4. AprilS*

      I actually really like a “bubble cap” style swim cap; it’s an older style, and while (on their own) they’re not as good at keeping hair dry I’ve found them significantly more comfortable. They come both with and without chin straps, and my local store sells them in three sizes for under $20USD each.

      A quick google search shows up a bunch of brands, and I don’t have a particular nationwide recommendation. However, I will note that mine is made out of rubber and not silicone.

      I originally tried them because I have a big head, lots of hair, and am prone to headaches, and so the more common competition style was really uncomfortable for me. That said, there are more options in competition style swim caps and you have a better chance of making a dry-hair routine with them, especially if you double-cap.

      If you haven’t already seen this tip: if you’re not sure if your hair will stay dry in the pool, get it fully wet in the shower before you put your cap on. Your hair will absorb less of the chlorine, etc and so will likely stay healthier. You can also buy special post-swim products that are designed to bind to chlorine to rinse more effectively.

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
  64. Florence Reese*

    This may be too late in the thread, but hoping some people might know. I’m interested in taking a Stop The Bleed course, to respond to critical injuries. But from their website, there’s only one class offered near me and it’s in Spanish, which I’m not fluent in. It looks like there are no other classes near me for the rest of the year. I’m not sure if more will be added later, but I’m wondering: are there any similar resources I could check out?

    I do have BLS/CPR training, but I’m looking for something specifically pertaining to bleed injuries. Any other orgs I could look into?

    Reply ↓
    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Check with local hospitals, etc – I know my hospital offered them free to employees and the public. Because the classes were not done by the org itself (instead by a hospital employee who certified to teach the classes & use their curriculum, I think), they weren’t on the org’s web site and we had to do our own marketing.

      Reply ↓
    4. FrontlinER*

      Check local hospital websites, mine would open up that specific class to the public periodically. Also there are medical education centers that give education to healthcare professionals that offer this class too. Try going through wherever you got your BLS or a google search for medical education centers and look through their list of classes. Being a health care worker is usually not necessary to take a class through these.

      Reply ↓
  65. Ginger Cat Lady*

    With all the sickness raging around lately, anyone who is sick having wild and vivid dreams with this sickness? My whole family is, and none of us have ever experienced that with a sickness before. It’s so weird!

    Reply ↓
    1. Maryn*

      They’re called “fever dreams,” known for being vivid. I think it’s supposed to be something about your elevated body temperature messing up your thinking process and normal dreaming.

      I had wild dreams when I had COVID last fall. Screamed myself awake–twice!

      Reply ↓
      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I’ve had fever dreams before, this was different. More cinematic, epic and occasionally psychedelic.

        Reply ↓
    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I used to know I was really sick because of my crazy dreams. As in, I would feel not-super-great during the day but still functioning, then I would go to bed and have a fever dream and wake up miserable. Hasn’t happened in a while, but the dreams were so vivid that I still remember some of the ones I had in high school. I’m a vivid dreamer anyway, these were extra special. These days I know I’m sick if I’m in an absolutely terrible mood– 9 times of out 10 I wake up stuffy and ill the next morning.

      Reply ↓
  66. Whats That Thing Called?*

    My Opa had these shoes that go over your outside shoes so that you can walk into the house without taking off your shoes. What are they called? They look like giant slippers.

    Reply ↓
    2. HannahS*

      The disposable ones are called shoe covers. I know folks who use galoshes the other way around; to wear their indoor shoes outside.

      Reply ↓
    4. LBD*

      I’ve seen them called indoor overshoes, and boot slippers. I have also seen them described as “An ideal gift for those who seem to think that four steps on a freshly mopped floor does not really constitute “coming in”.”

      Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS