what to do about a terrible workplace when you can’t leave, employee keeps writing in her pregnancy journal at work, and more

by Alison Green on January 23, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. What to do about a terrible workplace when you can’t leave

I know it’s often the case that the best thing to do in a terrible work setting is to start looking for another job. I’m wondering if you have any advice for circumstances where you really can’t do that, or at least aren’t willing to accept the consequences of doing so. I’m a PhD student in a psychology program. As part of the program we have to spend a certain amount of time providing services through our departmental clinic. This is non-optional for the program, so the only way around this is to drop out of the program. Within our field, PhD students cannot transfer programs — if you drop out, you start from scratch at a new program (assuming one will even accept you; it’s one of the most competitive fields of graduate study and dropping out of a program is looked on unfavorably). So, the consequences of leaving are very high and potentially career-ending.

Within this context, our clinic admin is a nightmare. She routinely screams, swears, yells, stomps around, and otherwise makes the clinic a tense and unpleasant environment. She interacts inappropriately with clients, yelling at them, recommending crystals instead of therapy, telling them to go home because they’ve arrived at the wrong time when in fact they’ve arrived at the correct time, and the list goes on.

The students have tried to push back. We bring up these incidents to the clinic co-directors. One student even coordinated collecting complaints in a unified document — it was five pages long, single-spaced. When presented to the clinic co-directors, the response was that not much could be done. Supposedly, the clinic has no hierarchy and the co-directors therefore have no authority over her (?!).

What are we missing? When a situation is this level of bad, what options are on the table that aren’t leaving?

Well … possibly none. If the co-directors report to anyone, you could go over their heads to whoever they report to. If that’s another person, that’s a more feasible option than if it’s a board of directors. (Going to a board isn’t completely off the table, but the bar for doing it is very high and often won’t work; boards frequently just don’t get involved in day-to-day management issues.) The other options are to (a) keep pushing with the co-directors, but it sounds like you’ve already been pushing and they are simply not going to act, (b) come up with some kind of leverage that will motivate them to act (such as credibly making it clear you’ll be steering other students away from the program), (c) bring in someone else who has influence (like someone high up in your program who isn’t part of the clinic, or someone in the university who has oversight over the program), (d) unionize, (e) accept it’s not going to change and find a way to be okay with working around the problems, or (f) leave, which you noted you can’t do. Most people in normal work contexts end up eventually choosing E or F. In your case, C is likely the best shot at changing things, and if that doesn’t work, you’re looking at E.

2. Employee keeps writing in her pregnancy journal at work

I work at a larger higher education institution in a department that manages many grant-funded projects. All of us working on these projects are in staff positions (not teaching faculty). One of my employees, Sansa, started several months ago and this is her first professional job since graduating. She is capable and I have no issues with her work overall.

Last week, she announced to the office (repeatedly) that she is pregnant. Of course I wish her well. But the issue is that she now walks around with a first-time mom pregnancy journal and pulls it out to write in. Continually. It has been about a week and I see this journal multiple times a day. I want to say something to her along the lines of, “I know you are excited about your pregnancy, but please save your journal for your personal time, such as lunch breaks or out of office time.” This is no different to me than say, doing homework on work time (which I have dealt with before in a similar way). I feel that since this is pregnancy-related, though, I am dipping into uncharted territory.

Do I say anything? Do I let this go? How do I approach her? My goal is to create a comfortable, low-distraction environment for staff and I am concerned this is going to turn in to a “thing.”

If she’s doing a good job and getting all her work done and the amount of time she’s spending on the journal is just a couple of minutes here and there, let it go — the same way you presumably would if she were spending a few minutes socializing in the kitchen or texting her spouse.

But if the amount of time she’s spending on it is excessive, then it’s reasonable to say something like: “I know you’re excited about the pregnancy, and I’m really happy for you. I’ve seen you writing in your pregnancy journal a lot during the day and I want to remind you to please save it for breaks or other non-work time — just like with anything else not work-related, like homework or social media.”

3. Interviewers want to know how I handle difficulties

I’m looking for a job again for the first time in many years and am running into a type of question in interviews that I haven’t encountered in the past. All the questions are some variation of “how do you handle it when you are experiencing difficulty?” and I’m confused how to answer because it seems like an obvious “I would discuss it with my manager.”

Some examples include:
“What do you do if you can’t find the answer when you’re working?”
“How do you handle it when you have a lot of work to do and can’t meet your deadlines?”
“How would we know you are struggling?”

That last one made me gape a little because it seems so obvious. I responded with, “I would tell you.”

Can you provide some insight on why they are asking this and what sort of answer they are looking for? For deadlines or research, I did try to expand on how I would approach it if my manager wasn’t available.

I’m concerned that I’m coming across as being unable to deal with problems on my own if my first thought is to ask my boss. However, that is how my prior bosses have wanted me to handle it. In my experience, my manager always wanted to know if I was running into roadblocks.

You’d be surprised by how many people’s answer isn’t “You would know because I would tell you.” It’s obvious to you, but it’s very much not obvious to everyone. Some people will answer, “I would stay late and find a way to get everything done,” or “I would prioritize on my own without looping anyone else in” (although they don’t say it like that) or all sorts of other things.

So your answer is fine! Take the questions at face value and answer accordingly.

The only one where I’d adjust a bit is “What do you do if you can’t find the answer when you’re working?” With that one, are there things you would do before you’d go to your manager — like reviewing documentation, googling, or looking at how similar problems have been solved in the past? I bet you do that stuff, and you’re assuming “when you’ve can’t find the answer” means you’ve already tried those things, but spell out those steps too.

4. How to explain my boyfriend’s job when he has a trust fund and rarely works

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He comes from a rich family and has access to a trust fund and he doesn’t work, aside from a few projects here and there. (For anonymity, let’s say they are llama grooming projects and I am also a llama groomer). The problem is that when I’m out socially — or at networking events — people constantly ask me what my partner does. Saying “he’s a llama groomer” isn’t really true or accurate, as I can’t name an employer or even any recent projects. I’ve tried to keep things vague and name jobs he’s had in the distant past, but people just keep asking questions. Is there a graceful way to answer this? It’s very frustrating and I constantly find myself making things up, which I don’t like to do. I don’t think he would want me telling people he has a trust fund, either.

Can you say, “He does freelance llama grooming”? If pressed for details about what he’s working on currently, you can say, “He’s pretty selective about what projects he takes on so nothing currently, but he tends to like work featuring X and Y.”

Also, why are people asking so many follow-up questions?! Maybe that’s normal in your field, but I’m surprised they’re pushing for so much info. (Is it an in-demand speciality where they might want to hire him? Or what do you think is behind it?)

The other option is to not mention his occasional llama grooming work at all and just answer with what he spends his time on: “He’s really into gardening and currently taking over our backyard with rutabaga and kohlrabi.”

5. How do I “do” FMLA as the healthy spouse?

We’ve just been told that my husband’s medical tests have found evidence of cancer. We don’t know what stage anything is in yet, and we don’t know what treatment or management might look like.

At what point do you request FMLA once you find out that your spouse has cancer? We only just found out, so we don’t yet know the severity or treatment plans. Is this something where I should go to HR right away, let them know the situation, and keep them updated as I know more? Or would it be better to wait until we have a clear idea of what’s going on and when I will need to be out of work?

I’ve never had to request FMLA before, so I don’t even know where to start or what the etiquette is … or even what it really means, other than “you go on FMLA when you have a baby or somebody in your immediate family is really sick and you need to help take care of them.”

How much detail do I have to give? Do I have to tell my supervisor first, and then she speaks to HR about it? Can I go straight to HR, bypassing my supervisor? Can telling my work what’s going on be used against me in any way?

As the healthy spouse, what can I really use FMLA for (accompanying them to medical appointments, staying home with them while they’re recovering from the effects of chemo)? If we get worst-case scenario news and the doctor gives them six months to live, can I use FMLA just to stay with them so we have every moment possible together?

I mostly want to cry and hold my spouse right now. I don’t want to have to explain to everybody what’s going on, especially as we don’t even really know yet and I will likely cry when I make the FMLA request. I just want my spouse to get better, and for the work aspect of my life to let me be with my partner as much as possible right now.

I’m so sorry and I hope you get news that’s as positive as possible, as quickly as possible.

FMLA is unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks per year that protects your job. You can be required to use up your paid leave as part of it; in other words, it’s not a separate bank of leave that kicks in after you’ve run through the rest of your leave. It’s basically 12 weeks of job protection while you’re out, which may or may not overlap with the paid leave your employer offers. You can use it for accompanying your spouse to appointments, transporting or caring for them during treatment, and other forms of care they need, including “psychological comfort.” More here.

Generally it makes sense to wait until you have more clarity on the situation and know what you want to ask for. If you have a good relationship with your boss, you can certainly let her know now what’s going on, but you don’t need to do that. It’s fine to wait until you have more specifics about the time you want to take, at least to start with. You can also go straight to HR if you prefer to start with them. Once you’re ready to officially request FMLA, HR will likely have forms for you to fill out. Legally your company cannot hold your use of FMLA against you; that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but if you’re working with generally decent people, they are likely to simply want to ensure you get what you need.

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{ 56 comments }

{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Not my real name*

    A few years ago my husband was told that they believed his cancer had metastasized. The good news was that two months later we learned that they were wrong. I did mention it in passing to HR so I would understand my options. Before we got the good news I decided that once I ran out of PTO for the chemo we had been told to expect, I would retire. By the time we learned that he was fine, I had put a lot of thought into the decision to retire.

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    1. Not my real name*

      First time commenter here. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t edit comments. I hope that this has a positive outcome for OP. I did indeed retire maybe six months later. I was getting my PTO on January 1 and wanted to get the days and use them.

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  2. Consonance*

    1: Since this is a unit of your university, I’d very much be going to hr to alert them to the abusive work environment. It’s not a tiny organization, it’s a small unit inside of a behemoth, so use the behemoth.

    2: your tone makes me question how much of a problem this is. It’s really normal to be super excited in a first pregnancy and have it on your mind constantly. The degree to which it can take over your body and mind really can’t be overstated. If you’re seeing the journal several times a day, it could be as simple as jotting down a thought. Are you this nit picky if someone sends a text a couple times a day? Or is it actually taking up significant amounts of her workday?

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    1. Certaintroublemaker*

      Definitely agree for LW1. Edit your group document to focus on the impact of the admin’s management on the student workers, and take it to the university’s HR department. Add all the reporting steps you’ve taken previously.

      In addition, I recommend escalating your original report and complaint to the dean of your college. The clinic is at risk of harm to the program’s reputation with prospective patients and students, as well as impact on accreditation.

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      2. Kua*

        Definitely escalate this to the dean if the program co-directors don’t address it! I work at a university and some key questions that will help the dean decide whether this problem requires intervention are: Does this include a pattern of discrimination against a protected class (i.e., Title IX complaint if you’re in the US)? Are there instances where the admin’s behavior violates practice for handling patient records, maintaining confidentiality, or giving medical advice/clinical assistance without training or supervision (the crystals advice might qualify)? Does your program’s accrediting organization (most clinical programs have accreditation beyond the university’s general accreditation) require them to track student complaints and document how they were addressed? Many do, and if yours is one of them, it’s worth asking in writing why the program didn’t follow that process.

        It can be awkward to go outside your program as a grad student, but you are doing a huge favor to leadership by bringing it to their attention. Framing it as “I’m concerned the program will run into issues with accreditors and want to help solve things before we get any bad reports” can make it harder to dismiss the problem or accuse you of being unprofessional. You aren’t complaining, you’re flagging a problem so the program doesn’t lose ground!

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        1. Guinea pig*

          Yes exactly! you’re trying to be helpful about the problematic admin! I would only add re
          student complaints that you’d like to see the record of complaints, rather than “why didn’t you do this”. That way if they have recorded your joint complaint, you don’t put their backs up by coming in accusing them of dereliction of duty.

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      3. Anonforthis*

        I would emphasise the impact it is having on patients. This admin is actively harming vulnerable people who are attending the clinic. Choosing to go to therapy is a huge deal, and patients really, really don’t need to be subjected to aggression and proselytising.

        Not to mention the admin damaging their recovery by lying to them about appointment times.

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    2. Elf*

      Really like the phrasing here – definitely use the behemoth. University HR, and/or Deans or someone in the level of management who is going to be scared for the University reputation. A Whistleblower line is a good option, if there is one. And do lean on the impact to patients as much as the impact to staff, which might get more traction. Good luck!

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      1. GammaGirl1908*

        100% use the behemoth! Now! Today! This person reports to SOMEBODY, and that somebody reports to somebody. Go up the chain until you find the person who is horrified by this. The directors of the clinic are not the end-all and final word on this.

        To put it mildly, this is not the right job for this person. You’re helping her find a job where she’s a better fit, and helping the clinic find someone who’s a better fit for this job. It’s worth it to put in some effort to make that happen.

        When I was a grad student in psychology, we just had work-study students manning the front desk of the clinic, and they were infinitely better at the job than this.

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  3. KJC*

    I think the first letter should escalate the issue to a higher up as a group, if possible. It always shocks me when places that give counseling to people on how to heal mentally have literal abusive people on staff. Also, just to comment on one of the options mentioned – there actually are lots of graduate students unionizing right now. I’m skeptical whether it’s an unmitigated good (some universities subsequently can’t admit new students to departments that don’t have the funding to pay the higher negotiated salaries). But it actually is a longer term option. One final option not mentioned – is it possible to subtly hint to a dissatisfied patient that they can always escalate their issue or post a review online? I’m not sure if that’s a safe idea (would love to hear what others think), but if this staff person is being inappropriate towards patients, the higher ups might start responding if it gets more public.

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    1. KJC*

      Oh one more thought – I like the comment by someone else about using the university’s broader HR to address this. Also, most universities have an Ombuds office / Ombudsman to resolve conflicts. Check if there’s one you can get involved. Here’s the definition from the Ombuds Association. “A college or university ombudsman is authorized by an institution of higher education to confidentially receive complaints, concerns, or inquiries about alleged acts, omissions, improprieties, and/or broader systemic problems within the ombudsman’s defined jurisdiction and to listen, offer options, facilitate resolutions, informally investigate or otherwise examine these issues independently and impartially.”

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      1. Brad Deltan*

        YES! Excellent point! Here’s a great rule of thumb to remember when it comes to Ombudsmen’s Offices: The Ombudsman Office is there to help YOU. The HR Office is there to help your EMPLOYER. That’s not to say HR can’t also help you, but they are the representative of the employer before anything else.

        During a brief stint working for a state university, I discovered the Ombuds Office almost by accident and it’s a damn good thing I did because had I gone to HR with the problems I was having with my boss, they would’ve…by that state’s law**…been required to report it all to my boss. (WTF?!?!)

        ** I believe it was enshined in state law, but it might’ve been university-wide policy, which is nearly as immutable in that particular state, where the state university bureaucracy is legendarily evil and huge.

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      2. RC*

        Yes, many universities have unionized (the University of California’s is a local in the UAW), but that’s a long game. Ombuds might be a good option, maybe/especially if you are going as a group. I consulted one of ours in grad school and it got the supervisory person to resolve my problem that I didn’t know how to resolve myself. The uni/department surely has one (or several).

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      3. A Person*

        Yeah, since it’s a university there should be other ways to escalate, not just HR – is there a student grievance process? Would your academic supervisor or someone senior in your department put a stop to it if they found out what was going on? Where I live it might also be possible to report this as a health and safety violation, but I’m not sure if that’s the case for the LW.

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        1. Perihelion*

          I was thinking, in my PhD program I would have started by flagging this to my advisor, who probably would have tried to do something, or to the director of graduate studies for the department, or the department dean. That wasn’t a program with a clinical component, so it might work differently here, but I’d start by talking to the faculty who should be invested in your success in the program, and seeing what they say or do.

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          1. bamcheeks*

            The other option I was wondeifng about js whether as psychologists they have a clinical supervision process which is separate from an academic supervision and their employment with the clinic. If so, that’s another place to discuss it even if it’s only to strategise the way forward with a semi-outside party.

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    2. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – if the clinic program is within the university, then the department chair of the Psychology dept may be the right person to inform. I bet they would be very interested to know that the clinic receptionist is yelling at or decrying science-based treatment in favour of crystals to vulnerable patients.

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  4. Nodramalama*

    LW2, maybe in your brain substitute the pregnancy journal with a phone. If she was on her phone as much as writing in her journal, would you notice it and think about saying something, or would you not clock the usage?

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    1. notsure1*

      I don’t think it’s exactly like a phone if the journal is like a large 8 x 11 journal with a big picture on the front of a pregnant person.

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      1. Allonge*

        I don’t think that way the point. It’s not that a journal looks the same as a phone, it’s to assess if the same amount of time spent on playing with/reading or texting on a phone would raise a concern.

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        1. Molly Millions*

          There could be an optics issue if it’s an ostentatiously sized scrapbook-type thing that takes up a lot of real estate.
          But if it’s a normal-sized notebook, I don’t see how that’s any different than someone, say, updating their Weekly Planner or Food Journal multiple times a day (neither of which should be distracting to others).

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  5. MyStars*

    #1, if your clinic has oversight from the state or if your academic program has credentialing, calling in those agencies might get the attention of the people who say they have no power to address it. Presumably this would fall under abuse or neglect of a patient, which is the kind of ethical issue that gets a program dropped from reputable associations. this is a nuclear option, but you seem to have little other recourse.

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    2. Metal Gru*

      They are providing actual services to real patients, right? So there’s also a decent chance that the work is overseen by a professional body for the field (e.g. psychology) in addition to academically. Some of the things LW describes are clearly against the ethical code of any of these bodies (recommending crystals instead of the actual treatment??), also especially if the directors, who LW has already brought this to, are clinicians in their own right, I think the accepting body would take a dim view of them endorsing this. “But they don’t endorse it, they just said nothing can be done”… yeah, inaction is endorsement.

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  6. Brad Deltan*

    LW1 is this terrible person also abusive to, or in the presence of, undergraduate students? If so, you’re in luck. Round up a few undergrads and have them all file formal complaints of abuse. This person will be fired in no time. The modern rules of “in loco parentis” mean abusive people like this get the heave-ho very quickly once you get past one or two complaints.

    The specifics will vary depending on your actual college/university, of course. But for a guide to give you some ideas about where & how to start the process, take a look at Beloit College’s guide: https://www.beloit.edu/grievance-procedure/

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    1. MsM*

      Might not also be the worst idea to tip off some enterprising undergraduate journalists there’s a potential expose on the university putting students’ mental health at risk.

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  7. An academic*

    For #1: Sorry, no one gives a flying flick about grad students. But mistreating patients is bad. If you find the right person who is responsible for the departmental clinic, focus on the harm to patients and possibly to the bottom line (this only works if your patients mostly pay or bring in insurance to the university). If no one cares, you could possibly go to the media anonymously about the harm to patients, but that’s a nuclear option.

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  8. Kat*

    Side note: you don’t have to take FMLA all at once. The law allows for intermittent FMLA, So you can work some days and be off others.

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    1. Dancing Otter*

      Intermittent FMLA is really the way to go if your principal need is for medical appointments and day-after-chemo care, say, rather than daily caregiving.

      There is a slight risk, though, depending on the manager. It ought not to happen, but some bosses… Don’t let them push for you to use FMLA days only when it’s convenient for *them*. If you’re in Accounting, for example, you can absolutely take your husband to chemo even during month-end or year-end close, if that’s when the clinic wants him there.
      It’s reasonable to let them know when you will or won’t be able to work with as much advance warning as possible, but they can’t tell you you can’t use the FMLA on an emergency basis when something comes up suddenly.

      I hope things turn out to be less serious than you fear.

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  9. Ladida*

    #2 – if you have to say something – which I’m not convinced you do – take the pregnancy out of it and just focus on the journaling…if that makes sense.

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    1. GammaGirl1908*

      This might be difficult because I’m not entirely sure the journaling IS the problem. Lots of people fill out food journals or mental health journals or whatever. It seems that Employee is making a big show of the early stages of her pregnancy, including dramatically flinging around a huge book at work, and that makes it feel like it’s happening all the time. I might just give it a moment to see if the journaling tapers off some once the novelty of the pregnancy wears off a bit.

      (I also suspect the unspoken bit is that LW was at BEC stage with Employee for other reasons before the pregnancy, and now the big show of the early stages of her pregnancy is just adding an extra layer to the journaling and making it all feel enormous, whether or not it actually is. Yes, many of us are annoyed by people who become zealots once they have a big life change, but frequently the novelty wears off after a while, and it all tapers off.)

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      1. Agent Diane*

        There’s nothing in the letter suggesting the writer is at BEC stage. She says she has no problems with her employee’s work.

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  10. Bethlam*

    I worked in HR before retirement and had many employees use FMLA, both as the person needing the medical care and the spouse providing..

    Depending on the company, you might not have to use your PTO first (we didn’t at my company). Also, FMLA is 12 weeks, but doesn’t have to be consecutive and again, can vary by company. When my husband was in a bad traffic accident, I took a lot of time off the first couple of weeks, but worked days when other family pitched in with hospital sitting.

    When he came home, I was comfortable leaving him alone for a few hours, so I worked mornings and used FMLA to go home at lunchtime. When you’re ready to talk to HR, make sure you find out how YOUR company administers FMLA so that you understand your options.

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    1. Bethlam*

      And sorry you’re going through this. Not to diminish what might be ahead, but when I was diagnosed, I swear the uncertainty at the beginning was worse than the treatment, for both of us. Once we knew what we were dealing with and had a road map for what came next, it was easier to deal with.

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  11. Observer*

    #5 FMLA

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully, you’ll get some reasonably good news and things will go well.

    Allison is correct. I just want to say that you don’t need to worry about “etiquette” around FMLA leave. You will need to document the fact that your husband is seriously ill, but you don’t need to provide a lot of detail beyond that. And you can use your leave for whatever makes your husband’s life easier and better.

    The only etiquette I would say you should think about is giving your manager a bit of a heads *if it’s practical* up once you have a better idea of what’s going on. So, for instance if you know that your husband is starting a series of treatments in a week, it would be good to tell your manager that you’ll be out every Tuesday for the next 6 weeks this week, rather than next Monday. And if things move too quickly for that, do say so. Like if you get a call from the doctor that they can fit your husband’s surgery in tomorrow, you’re doing it tomorrow. So you would tell your boss that there was a schedule change and you’ll be out tomorrow, and will let them know about schedule once you have more information.

    The idea here is that you’re obviously going to focus on your husband’s health, and no one should expect otherwise. And you will try to be a non-disruptive as is reasonable given the priority is doing whatever you need to do for him. And most of the time, really giving as much notice as you can of schedules is about as far as that goes.

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  12. Ninjakiwi*

    L1: Worst case scenario, I’d say tip off the media or even the police if you think something illegal is happening (maybe medical abuse? Not sure if that’s a thing so don’t cite me, I’m not a lawyer) go to the dean of the school, or even the accrediting board of the clinic if you have to, and bring the letter that was written and explain how the bad behavior has affected patient outcomes and the program as a whole. It might lead to a fallout, but at this point, fallout may be needed to prevent harm to your patients and your team. The other commentators have some good options to

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  13. Alz*

    LW1- Not necessarily advice but does she have any influence on your marks? In a situation where you can’t quit, how much power would she have to “fire” you.

    Could you cheerfully just push back in the moment “Oh, no Clinic Admin, actually they are here on time” or, in the middle of a tirade just say calmly “Sorry Clinic Admin, I am going to have to interrupt you there- you are getting a little loud”. It depends how much power she has over grades and marks but I have seen that as a very effective way of dealing with middle management when it was clear that no one was getting fired- Where I saw it the downtrodden staff had a thing where they would start singing “if your happy and you know it” as a group at the yeller- very funny to watch them going red in the face. It took effort I am sure and it might not be good for a professional reputation so you might not want to risk it. But funny as

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  14. Emmy Noether*

    L2 I’m kind of jealous that she has the energy to journal. I was happy about my pregnancies, but, had I journalled, the entries would mostly have read “uuuuuuuuurrrrggggh”.

    As others have said, try to let it go if it’s a few minutes here and there.

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  15. Metal Gru*

    Letter 3: interviewers asking how you handle difficulty. “Discuss it with my manager” isn’t necessarily the ‘obvious’ response, nor the correct one in many cases without qualification. I’m a manager of some people who are experienced individual contributors, and I’d expect a level of autonomy around difficulties that doesn’t default to “take it to the manager and let them decide what to do”. I would want to be looped into these things but it would typically be more like:
    – (if you couldn’t find the answer) I’ve looked in sources x, y and z and I asked Sally and Steve as I know they’ve worked on this area before but they hadn’t seen this specific error either. I googled the error message but nothing significant comes up which makes me think it’s an issue specific to us or a bug. Do you think we should reach out to the vendor for support?

    – (how do you handle it when you have a lot of work to do and can’t meet the deadlines) Here’s a list of the current tasks with the estimated time needed to complete each. As you can see, x only needs 2 more days but y is still only 50% complete and there’s enough uncertainty that I’ve put 4 weeks remaining but it could be up to 6 weeks, and then z keeps growing as requirements keep being added. I think even though x is due after y, it’s worth completing that first since it only needs 2 days. I also know Helen knows how to do y and may have some capacity.

    Both of these are ultimately “talk to the manager” but there’s a big difference between going through all reasonable options and then taking the facts to your manager vs encountering a hurdle and immediately escalating it. It depends on seniority but I wouldn’t be very impressed with someone that expects me to do all the thinking for them. I don’t think LW does, but.it could come off that way in an interview.

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    1. Emmy Noether*

      I agree with this. I hire for qualified and fairly autonomous positions, and I’d expect them to go to the manager with at least a plan, and I’d expect them to solve minor problems by themselves and just inform the boss if it seems relevant information. This will vary by workplace and position, but if they’re asking, they’re probably expecting some level of autonomy.

      For finding answers, what would you do to find them before going to the boss (what does “can’t” find the answer mean to you? Because there are people where “can’t” involves zero effort).

      For prioritizing deadlines, come up with a plan, then alert your boss and get it approved/changed. Although depending on workplace, the boss may prefer to get involved earlier. I’d probably counter with a question on how priorities are usually set at this workplace (which is, btw, a good question to ask in general).

      For “how would we know you’re struggling?”, I admit that I haven’t got much. Possibly also “go to management with a plan”, that plan being training, offloading some work, reprioritizing, etc., depending on circumstances.

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    2. Yes*

      I also have never answered the question with “talk to my manager” but listed the things I’d try on my own before talking to my manager.
      But, either way, OP’s answer is fine. That’s how OP approaches problems and the answer will tell the interviewer if this will work in their field or not (or may even be expected).

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  16. DannyG*

    My wife received a cancer diagnosis 3 years ago. Applied for intermittent FMLA as soon as possible. My employer used a 3rd party to handle, there was paperwork for both me and her physician ( his office was very good at dealing with that, turning it around in one day). That way we had all of the approvals lined up. Our process then required to notify management and the company handling FMLA of dates and times, but approval was automatically granted. PTO was used to ensure pay and benefits continued, thankfully I had enough to cover. Going back for the 3 year f/u next week, so far so good. (You may have to renew the application yearly)

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  17. bamcheeks*

    LW2, I’d gove it at least another 2-3 weeks before saying anything. Otherwise, it’s kind of like complaining that someone’s going to the gym too much in the second week of January. She MIGHT be part of the 2% who keeps it up for the whole pregnancy— but it’s quite likely that it’ll just settle down naturally and solve itself.

    Reply ↓
    1. Agent Diane*

      This!

      Also, as this is someone in her first professional job if you do talk to her you should maybe find a way to gently explain that one reason people don’t go around waving pregnancy journals all day in the workplace is that their colleagues may have had problems conceiving or carrying to term. People are much more private about when pregnancies don’t happen, or miscarry, or have to be terminated for medical reasons. They are also unlikely to say “please stop that” because they don’t want to spoil her happiness or share painful personal details. So could she simply be pregnant at work rather than be performatively pregnant?

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  18. Mockingbird*

    LW 1, if admin is ignoring complaints that are affecting patients’ health, research how to file a complaint with whatever org accredits your clinic. If patients are complaining to their providers in sessions about the admin, make sure everyone knows how patients can file complaints and that they’re giving patients that information. It will help your clinic, and also, such patient education on how they can advocate for their care helps your patients. I had a horrible experience with a resident in such a clinic and a friend married to a doctor told me I didn’t have to put up with it and how to file a complaint. Mental health care is a delicate relationship and patients often don’t know they’re allowed to complain or how. And like others have said, contact the student newspaper and tell them you have a story. Student journalists have broken huge stories recently, and “clinic and department management inaction on staff and patient complaints endangers patient care” is a big story.

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  19. Irish Teacher.*

    LW2, I really think the issue here is whether or not this is affecting her work. If she is less efficient, then I think you have standing to talk to her about it. You don’t even have to directly mention the pregnancy journal. You could just say, “we need you to give your full focus to work while you are here. I’ve noticed you’ve fallen behind on X task/kept a client waiting/left a coworker to complete y task on their own.”

    If it’s not interfering with her work, does it really matter? It might. There are jobs where the optics of this would be an issue like if it made clients feel unsure if they could approach her. But it also might not.

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  20. GammaGirl1908*

    For LW4, it’s not a court of law. You don’t have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. “He’s a freelance llama groomer” is enough of the truth.

    (You could also add something like “and a day trader,” because I’m sure that’s true as well.)

    It might help you to remember that lots of people have sources of income that aren’t obvious when you ask them about their job. Lots of people have alimony, or child support, or a trust fund, or family money, or lottery winnings, or an inheritance, or an insurance settlement, or a military pension, or an investment property, or investments, or whatever that mean that they have money their job doesn’t explain. They are not obligated to make up lies and excuses about it when someone asks them what they do for a living.

    But either way, decide what you’re going to say, or ask him what he says, and just stick with it, because everybody doesn’t need to know the level of detail you’re concerned about.

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    1. Spooz*

      +1 to asking how he sees himself. No need to tiptoe around it and guess! “How do you typically answer questions about your work, as you don’t have a full time job?”

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  21. Molly Millions*

    LW#2: I’m sure on any given day you might catch employees making grocery lists/updating their personal calendars/tracking caloric intake on work time. Unless the pregnancy journaling is “making a scrapbook/writing an essay” levels of involved, I wouldn’t treat it any differently.

    Also, I don’t know exactly what a pregnancy journal is, but is there a chance there could be a medical symptom tracking element to it (e.g. making note of her energy levels/nausea triggers/etc. throughout the day)?

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  22. Spooz*

    #4: My guess would be that people are asking lots of follow up questions because they sense that LW is giving them a weird answer that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the conversation and it comes across as “mysterious” – either the childish kind where you’re deliberately fishing for someone to ask questions, or genuinely trying to obscure something and they can’t work out why.

    So the rest of the conversation is in cheerful paragraphs and then the LW answers in a single phrase about which she is clearly uncomfortable. They can tell something’s up!

    I think the LW needs to practice reframing these conversations in her head so that she can answer them in a similarly relaxed and unfurtive manner to how she answers other small talk.

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  23. r..*

    LW1,

    if I understand you correctly the clinic’s “clients” would be more appropriately called “patients”. As such relevant medical standards of care, based on your jurisdiction and industry norms, attach to all employees who are in contact with patients, or provide services to them.

    I don’t think yelling at patients, or gaslighting them about their appointments, would meet those standards of care. Additionally your admin suggests esoterics over therapy to patients; this is going to be very fact- and jurisdiction-specific, this would need to be reviewed by a competent local lawyer, but this might constitute giving medical advice without required license.

    All of this sounds like several dog’s breakfasts worth of potential liability to the clinic operator; legal/compliance might be interested in it.

    Reply ↓

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