canceling a women’s group because of DEI concerns, can I accept a job offer on the spot, and more

by Alison Green on February 17, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Canceling a women’s group because of DEI concerns

I’m a PhD student and it seems like my university is trying to cancel the Women in Computer Science networking group that I run. They’re going about it in a really weird way: rather than directly saying “this is illegal D.E.I.,” they’re trying to send us on a bureaucratic runaround to maintain the status quo of funding and booking rooms. We’re in New England, so I suspect it would be locally unpopular to bluntly state that they’re cancelling women’s groups due to D.E.I. How do I fight this? Just delay, delay, delay until this political storm blows over? Fight it head on? Go to the press?

Go to your campus media, and possibly your local media. That’s outrageous.

The only DEI that’s “illegal” is giving a preference to one demographic group over another; gathering to support a particular group or to discuss issues affecting them is not illegal, even under the new federal directives that have been issued. This is a crock.

2. Are minimum requirements really an absolute minimum?

I’ve read your advice that it’s usually okay to apply if I meet about 80% of the qualifications for a job, but does the category of qualifications matter? When job postings split their criteria into “minimum” and “ideal,” is it fine to apply to jobs where I don’t (exactly) meet the “minimum”?

For example, a job will say a candidate “must have (a) five years of experience working with Role; (b) three years of experience in Environment; (c) two years of experience doing Work; and (d) familiarity with This, That, and The Other.” And that “an ideal candidate” would also have qualities/experience (e-h).

I’ll have (b-g) but (a) is iffy: say they want someone with five years experience working with C-level executives and I have five years with directors, or my relevant experience was 15 years ago in a job that isn’t on my resume because it’s otherwise completely unrelated to my current career. I have been applying anyway, addressing the discrepancy in the cover letter, but am I right to still apply?

Yes. If you didn’t have anything near (a), then it wouldn’t make sense to apply since that’s listed as a minimum requirement. But your experience is close enough that it’s reasonable to throw your hat in the ring. It could turn out that they’re being absolute rigid about that requirement, but there’s frequently room for some flexibility of interpretation if you have all the other qualifications. You can’t really know from the outside whether that will be the case or not, but you’re close enough to it that if you’re interested, you should apply.

Related:
should I apply to jobs I’m not fully qualified for?

3. Taking sick leave for emotional upset

I’m wondering your take on something I did a few years ago. I had something very upsetting happen in my personal life and was having a hard time focusing on work; I basically wanted to curl up and cry all day. I work remotely and had a light day — two meetings and no urgent to-dos. I went to both of the meetings but other than that didn’t do any work and used PTO to cover the hours.

To me, this felt like the mental health equivalent of a bad cold. I could have powered through and worked a full day, and I would have if needed. But on that particular day I didn’t need to, so I chose to take it easy. (I was back to work the next day.) What do you think?

That’s a completely legitimate use of a sick day. Mental health is part of your health!

Related:
what do I say when I’m calling in sick for a mental health day?

4. Can I just use the phonetic pronunciation of my name as my digital name?

I have a name that’s pronounced differently from the typical pronunciation. Let’s say my name is Aron – pronounced like A-Ron, not like “Erin.”

Coworkers call me A-Ron, until they see an email exchange with my name spelled Aron and now they call me “Erin.” Would it be okay if I changed my digital signature to A-Ron, so that people (coworkers and clients) will stop making their own assumptions about how to pronounce my name based on how it’s spelled? This is so frustrating to me, to have people who use to call me A-Ron, suddenly start calling me “Erin” because they saw my name in print.

Does anyone care if my digital name is legally correct? Going a step further, what are the legalities when I am writing a contract? I assume that I would use the correct spelling of my name to sign. But would I place the phonetic spelling in the contract, so that people see it and continue to call me by the correct name?

The phonetic pronunciation isn’t normally included in my business emails, but I do include it in my personal email account.

It’s going to cause problems and confusion if you spell your name one way in emails but need it spelled a different way on official forms and contracts (or work travel arrangements that someone else makes for you, etc.). But the solution for work emails is the same solution you’re already using in personal emails: include a note with the phonetic pronunciation in your signature. So your sign-off would be:

Aron Porcupine (pronunciation: A-ron)

That’s not uncommon to do if you have a frequently-mispronounced name, and it should solve a lot of it. You’ll also need to be willing to correct people in the moment if they mispronounce it, though.

5. Can I accept a job offer on the spot?

Can I accept a job right away if I’m sure I want it?

The context: There is one university in town, and I’ve been fairly certain for several months now that (a) it’s the only place better than my current position regularly posting jobs and (2) I want to leave my current position. I’ve applied for several jobs at the university over the past year, interviewed for two before this one, and been a finalist for one, so I’ve already talked to HR about their benefits and PTO. The salary range is available online. I would have twice as much maternity leave. I already know I want the job.

Assuming there are no surprises such as a lower salary than I expect, is there any reason I should delay and ask for a day or two to think it over? I am planning to negotiate salary right away if offered the job.

If you already feel confident you want to accept, there are no surprises in the offer, and there are no additional questions you need answered before making up your mind, there’s no reason you can’t accept on the spot (or begin negotiations immediately)! A lot of people do that.

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{ 294 comments }

{ 294 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Fizzchick*

    Re: #2, be aware that if it says “required minimum” qualifications, there may in fact be legal/statutory requirements. This tends to be more on the degrees side than the experience side, but it is something to watch out for. For instance, if someone is hiring llama barristers, having passed the llama bar may be absolutely nonnegotiable.

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    1. Procedure Publisher*

      I was going to comment about something similar about this. There are companies that work with the federal government that have to list out the minimum requirements that are required for the job.

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    2. Adam*

      There might be, but unless it’s obvious that’s the case (eg, it says “for legal reasons, the employee must be certified by the Department of Llama Handling”), I think Alison’s advice still applies: go ahead and apply. After all, the worst that’s going to happen is they’re just going to reject you.

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    3. WS*

      Yes, but in those cases it’s almost always listed in the job requirement. Nobody’s putting “five years hospital experience” when they mean “a Division 1 nurse”.

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    4. LW2*

      That’s a good point! I usually surpass the education requirements, it’s mostly that I am landing a year short of their requirements or that I worked in fields without “CEOs” per se and am now pivoting into an adjacent sector.

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      1. Emmy Noether*

        Yeah, I think when it’s “x years experience with y”, you can usually get away with something close to x or similar to y, if you are otherwise a very good fit. The x is usually not that precise anyway – 5 years just means “a solid amount of experience”.

        Exception: I know for example some EU institutions require minimum X years of experience to get Z grade/salary band, and the positions are advertised for a specific grade. If you don’t match that requirement exactly, they cannot take you (or they have to rewrite and readvertise the position). I imagine it’s probably similar in some other public institution or government jobs.

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        1. Lynn Whitehat*

          Yeah, tech is infamous for this. “8 years experience” with something 5 years old. It’s dumb, but yeah, it just means someone with a lot of experience with it.

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          1. Helen Waite*

            That was my first thought, too. I saw a lot of job postings that listed required experience with programming languages that only the developers could meet, and sometime not even then.

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          2. MigraineMonth*

            Sebastián Ramírez tweeted:

            I saw a job post the other day. It required 4+ years of experience in FastAPI. I couldn’t apply as I only have 1.5+ years of experience since I created that thing. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate that “years of experience = skill level”.

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      2. Cinderella*

        Make sure you also put whatever relevant experience you do have back on your resume for this particular job. Whether it’s a legal requirement or not, the initial screening might be completely binary, and might be based on your resume, not cover letter. Give yourself the best chance possible.

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    5. Ally McBeal*

      LW2 should be aware that this is a thing, yes, but ultimately it’s for the hiring team to decide – unless the job description/hiring post explicitly says “must have X or obtain X within 6 months of hire date due to legal/statutory requirements,” LW shouldn’t hem and haw and do a ton of research to figure out if X is in fact a legal requirement. Just let the application fly.

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    6. Antilles*

      That can be a thing yes, but enough companies are willing to be flexible on “required minimums” that if you’re close to meeting those requirements, it’s worth a few minutes of your time since there’s no real downside. Worst case, it turns out their requirement is 100% firm with no flexibility, they politely decline your application, and all you’ve lost is whatever opportunity cost of those X minutes to fill out the online application.

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    7. Annony*

      Certification can fall into a weird area. Sometimes being eligible to take the test is sufficient to start so long as you get the required certification within a certain amount of time. I was applying recently and was eligible for a required certification but had not had the chance to take the test yet (only offered every two years). I made sure to ask before applying if eligibility was sufficient or not (unless the job listing specifically stated one way or the other). Sometimes it was fine and I applied and other times it wasn’t and I moved on. I think it is much easier to reach out and ask for very cut and dry requirements than things like experience.

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    8. Llama Clerk*

      I’m looking at a job opening like that right now. However, because there’s a high demand for and shortage of llama barristers in my country, and because the job’s in a location that isn’t 1st, 2nd or even 8th on most people’s list, I’m going to apply anyway and state my background in a llama law-related field and my willingness to study for the llama bar.

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    9. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I’ve been on search committees at my university, hiring for staff positions, where the minimum qualifications will state “a minimum of 3 years in such-and-such or a such-and-such related field” and the “related field” is where the interesting interpretations happen.

      For example, one person who is a known quantity (or whose resume looks otherwise great) applies to the job, and they don’t strictly have three years in, say, bookkeeping or accounts payable. They do, however, have jobs listed where, ostensibly, they could have been responsible for reconciling a cash drawer or some such. Then, since the committee wants to allow that as ‘years of experience’ for the one person, they then have to go back through *all* the applications and allow that as ‘years of experience’ for the other candidates, as well.

      I think that’s where a lot of the “apply if you meet 80% of the qualifications” or if you’re close to some of the qualifications but not exactly on target. There is an element of interpretation that goes on and we don’t have any way of knowing exactly where the rules are flexible and how we might thereby fit the job.

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  2. Marie*

    To letter writer #1: fight it! My Women in STEM org was so important in helping me through grad school. Keep up your connections and community, informally or off campus if needed while you support each other through this. Good luck!

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    1. Jessen*

      It’s probably going to be even more important in the coming years. The anti-DEI stuff seems to be the latest smokescreen for flat-out bigotry, and it’s probably going to get worse. We need to support each other.

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      1. I'm not a DEI Hire*

        Oh geez.. are we going to have to start naming our groups ‘Crochet and Knitters Group’?? Nobody would complain if the group was named that!

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          2. Generic Name*

            Yup. The Women in Transportation Symposium is named that way because the women who founded it were not allowed to attend networking events, but they were allowed to attend training. So their monthly meetings had an official agenda that was training, but one of the purposes was networking.

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        2. Aggretsuko*

          I’m starting to think everything is going to have to be named For White People Only (and then … not just be for white people only) these days. That sounds like I’m making a joke, but I am not :/

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          1. Person from the Resume*

            No. As long as you name it the Students in STEM, the racist and sexist will assume it’s full of white men only anyway.

            OTOH it will be majority white and majority male and it’s not a safe space for a minority group.

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        3. RVA Cat*

          The current political environment does make me want to take up knitting. Also to learn French, so we’re not so poor we only have zis outrageous accent…

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        4. Tabihabibi*

          Lovelace Loom Club? But seriously, stand ground on this because this is the phase of pushing people into compliance mode. We’re rooting for you.

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        5. tamarack etc.*

          I’m actually wondering if we are going to go the other way. They want “viewpoint diversity”, but not affinity groups based on identity? OK, if “women in engineering” is out, then what about “feminist engineers”? No BIPOC in STEM? Make it STEM majors against racism?

          No, I don’t think that’s necessarily better. But this preemptive obedience on the part of some administrators is highly problematic, on many grounds including that it tends to bring about the undesirable outcomes we want to avoid. I’m lucky for the time being that my institution is very minimalist in its implementation of the anti-DEI initiatives. Some DEI groups got renamed. Some language got removed on web pages that have federal agency logos. (In some cases, it was the agency logos that got removed.) We lost funding for our DEI coordinator, but he is not being dismissed. Stuff like this.

          The Society of Women Engineers, one of the many groups recently banned by West Point, had been around since the 1970s! These groups have half a century of history on their side.

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    2. DJ Abbott*

      If they do stop meeting at school, I don’t know of any reason they couldn’t continue to meet informally somewhere else.
      I would get everyone’s personal contact info the next time you see them, just in case.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Agree, no matter what happens you can still organize meetings and happy hours that don’t require the university’s approval, and you should, because people will continue to need these affinity groups regardless of this administration.

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        1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          The problem with that though is that the cost to host the meetings will have to be paid out of pocket by someone, where it sounds like now it’s paid by university funds.

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            1. Sacred Ground*

              They’re college students. They generally don’t have homes that can host meeting groups. That’s why campus spaces exist.

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              1. TeapotNinja*

                Possible idea…enroll support from prominent alumni who have struck it rich and ask them if they’d be willing to host the meetings.

                Obviously easier said than done, but could be a sort of a win-win situation for all involved.

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                1. Elitist Semicolon*

                  Or: if one of the group’s alumnae has been particularly successful, have them advocate with the U on the group’s behalf, including a fond reminiscing of how important the group was in their success. This can be especially effective if the successful grad is also a donor or has potential to be one.

            2. LSM*

              PhD students (speaking as a current one) don’t tend to have the kinds of living situations that allow for inviting a large group of people over on a regular basis. Most of them will live with roommates, maybe on campus housing, or a tiny run down studio apartment.

              Campus spaces exist in part so students can use them for this kind of thing.

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            3. Anon For This*

              Um, it costs the hostess money to have people to her house? And as mentioned below, a lot of students do not have the space for meetings at home.

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          2. Venus*

            There are free spaces in my community where I can meet. School food courts can be noisy, but are often open to anyone at the school even if they haven’t bought food, and libraries also often have spaces. It depends on the size of the group, because if it’s 5-10 people then that’s easier than 50.

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            1. DJ Abbott*

              Yes, I was thinking libraries or a restaurant/coffee shop. The Spanish club I went to years ago met at a restaurant. They could just order beverages or inexpensive items.
              Also, churches sometimes rent out meeting rooms. I went to dance classes at one ages ago.
              Or maybe if someone has parents nearby, they could meet at the parent’s house?
              There are probably other options I haven’t thought of.

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              1. DeeJay*

                I used to go to a book group run by a local bookshop. A few years in the bookshop stopped doing it because the staff member who ran it left and no one wanted to take over. So we just relocated to a coffee shop a couple of doors down the street and carried on until Covid stopped us.

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            2. Jack Russell Terrier*

              You can reserve rooms free at the public library – it’s one of their functions, for exactly this sort of situation.

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          3. MigraineMonth*

            It’s also really discouraging when your institution won’t even give lip service to the idea it supports you.

            I’m sorry, LW1, this really sucks. Institutions are cowardly, but that doesn’t mean all the people in it are; I’m sure you can find professors or staff who will support you. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

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          4. Hyaline*

            Ooof, borrowing trouble here. Campuses are full of open spaces that anyone can use, anytime. Often there will be small group and group study rooms that any student can book, as well–you don’t have to pay for them and they don’t have to be affiliated with an official group (often how campus clubs start–Jodie books a study room to discuss beginning the club, etc). Departments may have access to spaces they can book at their discretion (conference rooms, etc). Or, yes, meet off campus at a coffee shop or cafe. You only run into trouble if you want to book larger spaces like classrooms, and even then, no one is usually being charged, it just might have to be requested by someone in some official capacity (faculty sponsor, for example).

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          5. Lenora Rose*

            It’s a useful fallback to have everyone’s contact and another plan, but I can attest from experience that a group accustomed to meeting in the university’s free/subsidised space that then loses access will often struggle to find an alternative that is acceptably free/cheap and has room.

            Sometimes there are informal university spaces that can be used the same in a pinch (lounges, food courts during off peak hours when they don’t care if everyone/anyone buys anything) but they’re not private (Which is sometimes good for drawing deliberate attention, and sometimes bad) and not an ideal substitute.

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      3. AnSteve*

        If the school is going to stop student groups from existing than I hope that means the school is also going to shut down those anti abortion religious groups from showing up. If they claim those groups get free speech but not students that is messed up

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    3. OhGee*

      Agreed! I’m in grad school at a uni in New England and I’m willing to bet LW can get lots of attention on this issue by going to the press as Alison said and spreading the word on campus via social media/flyers/the group mailing list or chat channels. Don’t go quietly!

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      1. Resist*

        Don‘t go quietly, and don‘t preemptively comply with the racist sexist fascists currently in charge (which is what a non-federal educational institution almost certainly is doing at this stage.)

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    4. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter was involved in one of these as an undergraduate. And you know who came to the “Women in (Field)” conference? Men.

      They weren’t the biggest group at the conference–those who came had to be comfortable not automatically being part of the largest subgroup, sometimes being the only one of your subgroup in the room–but the way the rules already work for this re fair and equal funding rules is that your “(Subgroup) in (Field)” conference needs to be open to everyone.

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        2. Lenora Rose*

          There are men who knit.

          Thankfully, they’re also liable to be the kinds of guys who don’t make a fuss at being a minority in a group, and are less likely to try and take over.

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    5. Anonforthis*

      I wouldn’t assume that the increased requirements and bureaucracy are actually the institution wanting to close them down unless OP sees other signs of internal opposition.
      It also may not be (primarily) a result of the most recent executive orders. At my institution we’ve been dealing with the affirmative action Supreme Court ruling, which is having way wider ramifications than college acceptance — internships, research/TA programs, anything where identity is perceived as a factor. Some of the changes are legal for compliance, others are for student protection after some attempted doxxing incidents where individuals had scraped websites for student orgs they perceived as out of compliance with the new ruling. Regulations related to this are just now becoming visible to students.

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      1. Hyaline*

        As I mention below–it may be that the bureaucracy existed all along, but for a time for whatever reason, the LW’s group wasn’t being required to adhere to policy. It may also be that new rules covering the university from liability and protecting students are coming out now.

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      2. Eukomos*

        Agreed, I work at a university and sometimes the bureaucracy is bad just because…it’s a bureaucracy. The new scheduling software broke, or the dean just turned the most popular conference room into the headquarters of his pet project, or the bursar got in a fight with the registrar and now the funding mechanisms for all the student groups has to meet obnoxious new rules, or the new provost is cleaning house and everything with less than ten people attending is cancelled. This may very well be a targeted attack because it’s a DEI group, but I’d say odds favor it’s just some bureaucratic snafu that’s unfortunately messing with a particularly vulnerable group.

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    6. Reba*

      LW 1, also connect with other student orgs like yours to learn if they are also being bureaucratically suppressed. Band together and support each other. You don’t have to all use the same tactics, but it’s helpful as organizers to know what other groups are up to and what they are experiencing.

      I also suggest talking with your advisor and department chair *if* they seem supportive and on the ball. Lots of faculty are also aghast at what leadership is doing but of course there are always people who would rather not rock the boat.

      This kind of backlash or like, pre-emptive backlash, is so infuriating. I am so disappointed in higher ed and hate that the leadership is doing this to you and your colleagues.

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      1. Reba*

        Another thought, make sure to let whatever high ups you talk to know that you will be talking to prospective students about this online, at conferences and so on. Whether or not you feel comfortable going to a journalist I think you can and should spread the word person to person this way.

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      2. c*

        I work at a university and help with logistical arrangements for activities and groups like this one. It can be weirdly complex and slow, as you may already be aware, OP. Please don’t assume the worst! If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to speak directly with your contact before trying some of the more adversarial tactics. Most of us staff and faculty recognize the value of affinity groups and want very much to support them. When I have been delayed in responding to requests, it’s been because I’m trying to find a solution that doesn’t raise unnecessary flags to someone who could derail the group’s efforts. Or hell, maybe it’s something completely unrelated that is delaying your request. Finding a way to talk in person with your contact could help you save your energy and capital for other battles.

        But yeah, if you keep getting the runaround, then be prepared to fight for your group.

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    7. Ada The Cat*

      I have so appreciated this group, even before I became an organizer. Worst case, I’ll try to keep it up informally. That’s easier in the summer, when the northeast hasn’t been hit with a big snowstorm, but c’est la vie.

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    8. Artemesia*

      The enthusiastic pivot to misogyny is breathtaking to watch; I expect ads to list ‘no women need apply.’ soon. Heck school libraries are pulling books that just feature black and brown kids because no DEI — it is horrifying how quickly people one would have thought were sensible have caved. Now we know how easy it was to round up the Jews in ever neighborhood in Germany and Eastern Europe — apparently most people are willing to buckle under immediately to monstrous power.

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      1. Yeah...*

        “Now we know how easy it was to round up …”

        First they came for the Communists
        And I did not speak out
        Because I was not a Communist
        Then they came for the Socialists
        And I did not speak out
        Because I was not a Socialist
        Then they came for the trade unionists
        And I did not speak out
        Because I was not a trade unionist
        Then they came for the Jews
        And I did not speak out
        Because I was not a Jew
        Then they came for me
        And there was no one left
        To speak out for me
        ~ Martin Niemöller

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        1. Lenora Rose*

          Which is helped by remembering Niemöller was speaking from experience – as someone who was outright compliant and happy to go along with the oppression, and antisemitic. He wasn’t just kind of wringing his hands at events but keeping his head down, he was fine with it until it turned on him.

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      2. DJ Abbott*

        I, and I think most Americans, have learned about World War II and imagined ourselves standing up to the powers and doing the right thing.
        Now we’ll see how many can actually do it, or will even try.

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  3. LifebeforeCorona*

    #1 Does it make a difference if the group accepts monies from the university for their group? Funding can be used as a coercion tactic against the school. Get rid of all your DEI or we will cut funds. Otherwise every group is in the crosshairs. Groups aimed at helping POC get into STEM, music students, people learning another language, swim club etc. Any group could be targeted just because they are for a specific demographic. I really hope that your group can continue to flourish.

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    1. Brain the Brian*

      Yes, especially in light of this weekend’s Dept of Education memo to colleges that *all* “DEI” initiatives are now considered illegal. The list in that letter included such things as affinity groups and even — incredibly — graduation ceremonies for students in minority groups. This is our sad new reality — that the federal government will use its coercive power of funding distribution to force schools to give up very mundane things they don’t like.

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      1. I had a dream*

        The list in that letter included such things as affinity groups and even — incredibly — graduation ceremonies for students in minority groups.

        Why on earth is it necessary, or even desirable, for there to be separate graduation ceremonies for different racial or ethnic groups??

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        1. Alice*

          In college I was part of a music-and-cultural heritage group, aka an affinity group. I suspect you wouldn’t object to my group’s event honoring our graduating seniors. If the Celtic Society can have an event to celebrate the graduation of its members, why can’t the Black Students Association? Especially since the BSA members probably supported each other dealing with racism and barriers that the Celtic Society members did not face.

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        2. LifebeforeCorona*

          People with physical and other disabilities. Grad ceremonies can last for hours which makes it hard for people who don’t have the stamina. People with PTSD or anxiety disorders, the site being inaccessible, people who need an aide, or any kind of accommodation. Its not always about race or ethnicity.

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          1. I had a dream*

            Thank you for your response. That sounds perfectly reasonable, but when you say “it’s not always about race or ethnicity,” does that mean that it sometimes is about those things? If so, I’d need a pretty damn good explanation if I’m ever to get over the instinctive ickiness I feel about that.

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            1. ubotie*

              Well thank god that search engines and libraries still exist so you can look up for yourself why graduation ceremonies different affinity groups might be a thing in some institutions. Instead of trying to get answers from an asynchronous commenter section with no user ID registration or comment tracking.

              TBH, I’ve worked in higher education off and on since 2006 and haven’t heard of this. But I don’t specifically work in that part of higher ed so that isn’t weird in and of itself.

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              1. I had a dream*

                What an unnecessarily hostile response. I’m actually having a conversation with another commenter right now; he or she can choose to respond to my comment, or not, without your unpleasant intervention.

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                1. sparkle emoji*

                  to I had a dream– your initial comment in this thread comes off hostile and dismissive of a practice you don’t seem to understand. Their response maybe isn’t giving the patience that other commentors have offered you, but it is proportional to what you started out with. Your subsequent comments are kinder and more ready to learn, so thank you for adjusting.

                2. Beveled Edge*

                  Your description of feeling “instinctive ickiness” about minorities hosting affinity events is quite hostile and indicates you’re part of the problem.

                  ubotie’s response isn’t hostile at all. Sarcastic, sure. Pointing out a problem with your post isn’t inherently hostile, and since you see it as such refer back to “you’re part of the problem.”

              2. bleh*

                Think about celebrating cultural heritage while celebrating achievements; it’s not so odd. Imagine a southwestern uni doing a Hispanic graduation – different color scheme, maybe some Spanish language use. Engaging a community is good business for Unis – to get more applicants from said community, by making them feel welcome.

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                1. LJ*

                  As a minority, I had an initial ick reaction originally to this idea too! – but that’s because of all the times I’ve been asked “where are you really from?”, the feeling that non-whites can never been really American enough – the _othering_ of it – it was easy for me to read it as another way to be othered. But I see from your comment that others want to show their pride in their heritage and celebrate their community achievements, so thank you for sharing that.

              3. Mirror Mirror*

                Beveled Edge. Saying that someone not understanding something—especially something that does indeed strike many people as questionable—makes them “part of the problem” is, to put it as kindly as I possibly can, incredibly uncharitable.

                I guess that makes me “part of the problem” too!

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                1. Lenora Rose*

                  Do you understand the difference between “not understanding” and feeling an “instinctive ickiness”?

                  Because I consider that a rather significant difference. I don’t understand certain kinds of experimental jazz, and never will. But I don’t treat it with “instinctive ickiness”, which implies a judgement about those who are involved in it that is simply not present.

            2. Mutually supportive*

              I think *it* means “minority groups aren’t always about race or ethnicity” rather than “the special graduation ceremonies aren’t always about race or ethnicity”

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            3. Irish Teacher.*

              I took the “it’s not always about race or ethnicity” to mean that not all DEI initiatives are about race or ethnicity, not specificially that separate graduations weren’t.

              Reply ↓
              1. LifebeforeCorona*

                Yes, my understanding is that DEI embraced everyone based on identity or disability. So you can be disabled and not a member of a minority group. Or a POC but not disabled but both groups fall under DEI or they did. Again, I’m not very familiar with DEI and it’s mandate.

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                1. Nightengale*

                  “DEI” itself isn’t a mandate. It is the idea that groups should be actively working to increase diversity within their membership and ensure that members from underprivileged/minority groups are fully included and treated equitably, and recognizing the historical reasons for lack of inclusion and disparate treatment.

                  An organization could then create a mandate under these principals to increase representation or write specific policies about outreach to people from underrepresented groups.

                  I’ve been involved in DEI initiatives in my professional society, a niche branch of pediatrics. Things we have worked on: explore disparate diagnostic rates and treatment engagement in people from different racial groups. Study how families whose primary language is Spanish experience our services compared to those whose primary language is English. Conduct trainings on how providers can most respectfully give advise to families from a different religious background. Improve accessibility of our online and in person meetings for disabled participants. Work to recruit and support professionals from a range of racial backgrounds. Work to recruit and support professionals with the same disabilities as our patients.

            4. LifebeforeCorona*

              I can only speak from my Canadian lived experience. Canada has a complicated relationship with Indigenous people. Most schools will start with an acknowledgement that the land belongs to the Indigenous people who didn’t cede ownership of their land by choice. As an example: “Queen’s University is situated on traditional Anishinaabe and Haudenosaunee Territory.” this is the school’s formal acknowledgement. That’s where race and ethnicity matters. We can’t ignore the past and passing laws that forbid any kind of diversity, equity and inclusion is in no one’s best interest. Other people need accommodations for the reasons I stated above. So sometimes it can be both these things.

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        3. Varthema*

          probably not a totally separate main ceremony but a side ceremony organized by the student group. Like how Phi Beta Kappa has their own mini event, or the Italian honor society I was invited to merely because I was an Italian minor…

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          1. MtnLaurel*

            That’s probably it. I graduated from a large university that had the big graduation for everyone along with smaller ones for my College and major.

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            1. Wendy Darling*

              I did my graduate degree at an enormous public university and it was SUPER common for people to skip the big graduation ceremony, which lasted FOREVER and unless you were super active socially was mostly people you’d never met, and go to a smaller one for your college/major and/or some affinity group instead. You were more likely to actually know those people and also those little ceremonies were like an hour long tops.

              I skipped graduation and just went to a department party when I finished my MA. If I’d finished my PhD I would have gone to the big graduation just to walk in my goofy PhD hat though.

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        4. Corrvin (they/them)*

          Well, it’s an additional ceremony that a graduate attends along with the main graduation, not a separate one that excludes them from the main one– one reason my university has a lavender celebration (LGBT+) is so that folks who aren’t out to the family who raised them can celebrate graduation as their real selves. That could mean dressing how they prefer to dress, being cheered by partners, and having their chosen name called instead of the legal name on the diploma. So a person could go to the regular graduation for their parents but still celebrate another way too.

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          2. Dogwoodblossom*

            Yes this. I went to Lav Grad and it was a small group of people I was close to. It was a much bigger deal to me then the big ceremony with 500 people. These ceremonies are in addition to the full big ceremony. They aren’t some sort of separate but equal situation.

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        5. katydid*

          I think maybe you’re picturing separate graduation ceremonies as in, white kids have commencement on this date, and, say, the south Asian kids have commencement on this other date. This would be like, there’s one big ceremony with everyone, and then there’s a special commencement ceremony held by the South Asian Student Union or whatever, in celebration of its members. Of course, under this policy, that student union would also be “illegal.” I’m taking you at your word here, of course maybe you know that and you’re just trying to argue.

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          1. Falling Diphthong*

            When daughter graduated, her department held a separate celebration in addition to the university graduation. It would be really normal to have gatherings on that weekend–in addition to the main graduation, not in place of–for, say, “All the organic chemistry graduates, held in the organic chemistry department” and “All the graduating swimmers, arranged by the swim team” and “All the graduates from the South Asian Student Union.” It’s about adding an event with whatever subgroup was important to you.

            Will add that a friend’s older sister became very active in her school’s (Subgroup) Student Union, because college was the first time she encountered prejudice based on being in that subgroup.

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        6. Kira*

          There’s always the main graduation ceremony that includes everyone, just sometimes different university groups, majors, organizations, etc, offer their own *additional* celebratory ceremony. If a university offers one for a certain cultural group, it’s an opportunity to celebrate with cultural traditions unique to that group, and recognize any challenges unique to that group as well.

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        7. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          In my experience, it’s a separate ceremony done the day before, for members of a student service group rather than all students of a given ethnicity, and it’s in addition to the general graduation ceremony rather than a replacement of. Participants usually get cords or a stole or something similar to wear for the main graduation. The combination of a smaller ceremony, more culturally relevant celebratory practices, and the acknowledgement of service achievements beyond the degree make it feel more meaningful for many students than walking in to Pomp and Circumstance does.

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          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            The small, department ceremonies can also include statements and presentations in other languages –particularly appreciated by visiting family members who aren’t fluent in English.

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        8. Anonforthis*

          There aren’t segregated ceremonies. There are, very occasionally, *extra* ceremonies conducted by minority groups.

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          1. Resist*

            Depending on the size of the uni, the main official graduation ceremony might be a few thousand students, organized by last name or major, walking across the stage and nothing else (because that’s what there’s time for with larger institutions). In that context, extra celebrations with whoever one actually spent most of one’s university time (including affinity groups) is eminently reasonable.

            And the reason the current administration trying to kill all of this is just to destroy communities and propagate fear and pain and chaos for anyone who’s not a rich white man.

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        9. Jam Today*

          I encourage you to sit with that question for a few minutes and ponder history, and perhaps answer for yourself why a group of people historically excluded from higher education (not to mention the rest of civic life) at the point of a gun would want to have a celebration for themselves and their families.

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        10. JustCuz*

          I think people are at best, misunderstanding I Had a Dream’s distinct confusion and horror (and at worse, being directly obtuse).

          When Brain the Brian worded his sentence the way he did, it made it sound as though different groups were having *the ceremony* separately which would be incredibly problematics for an entire host of reasons. What he meant was that they then have *other* ceremonies that may get canceled which is terrible.

          I don’t want to live in a world where people wouldn’t be outraged to find that the *main* graduation ceremonies are split based on race, ethnicity, gender, whatever for ANY REASON. So, I think giving I had a Dream here some grace is the most appropriate response.

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          1. Joron Twiner*

            I think if you’re going to use MLK’s speech as a moniker, you should do better than a beginner-level understanding of DEI. Additional graduation ceremonies have been common for decades, and if they are unfamiliar with the intersection of race/ethnicity and the American higher education system, they could quietly research instead of being horrified by something that isn’t happening.

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        11. Bumblebee*

          They are not separate university commencement ceremonies, they are extra celebratory events that take place around the end of the semester and may recognize students who want to celebrate with any number of their peer groups – LGBTQ, racial minority, first-gen status, etc. Often mentors attend. It’s a nice moment when your university commencement is gigantic, to be able to celebrate with those who have supported you in what is sometimes an uphill battle. It’s not segregated graduation, it’s celebration.

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        12. Anon For This*

          Well, people have different cultural traditions that are not allowed at the main ceremony. So for example, a lot of schools with Native American students will have an additional, culturally specific ceremony. Also, anyone who’s bothered by it can mind their own business.

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      2. please*

        This. Going to your campus media is a terrible idea because your group could then be targeted by DOE OCR with an investigation. The place I work has not done any preemptive compliance but as of this weekend things are real.

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        1. Pickles*

          Agreed universities are freaking out because federal dollars including research funds are so critical. Humans are rolling this out on the ground.
          I don’t think going to the campus media will help. I do think meeting and strategizing about how to carry on, on your own would be smart.

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        2. ChiTownSalaryman*

          The DOE is going to be approaching any race/gender related groups through the lens of “if this were the White’s in STEM group, would it catch a civil rights case?”

          I personally disagree with this administration in virtually everything, but it’s useful to know how they think. Stay under the radar.

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          1. Jessen*

            Unfortunately we’ve already seen cases where things like “Pacific Islanders in STEM” catch issues but “STEM Celtic Heritage Club” is fine, so I wouldn’t 100% count on that.

            Reply ↓
      3. Tea Monk*

        Yea it’s so sad. These folks were upset that we built things for our uplift so they decided to destroy America. It’s a tragedy.

        Reply ↓
      4. WillowSunstar*

        It’s absolutely ridiculous what is going on. Ugh. But could you all maybe chip in I don’t know, a couple of dollars per month to cover a space or zoom cost? Something?

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      5. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I know many of us here probably know this, but an executive order absolutely cannot make anything illegal. Laws are written and enacted by our legislature. Executive orders are clarifications on how existing laws or regulations are going to be carried out or enforced. The current administration is trying to change that, but it is part of our Constitution, and for good reason.
        I saw a good post on the Fednews reddit that said we should always be referring to the UNLAWFUL firings, as “DOGE” is not actually a government agency, and the President does not have the power to fire most non-appointed federal employees (as proved during the Friday Night Massacre).

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          1. Junior Dev*

            This sort of defeatism is not helping. If there’s some clarification you’d like to make that is relevant to the situation – eg “don’t assume your job is safe just because firing you would be illegal, start working on your resume now” – that’s different. But the president is not a king and his executive orders are not royal decrees, and part of fighting back is remembering that.

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            1. PACM*

              Cool, what’s actually going to stop it? Who’s actually gonna stop it? Because we’re seeing a whole lot of strongly worded protests that are amounting to jack shit. You say ‘fighting back’ like that actually means something, and right now there’s a whole lot of people who think that the bad actors just need to be told that what they’re doing is illegal and wrong and they’ll go ‘Oh, I’m sorry’. I’d like to hear actual practical steps that have at least a 5% chance of getting results re: stopping the harm done to people rather than any high-minded sentiments about the rule of law.

              I’ll believe in the rule of law again when it applies to people in power.

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              1. Claire*

                I recommend reading the writing of Gene Sharp, an expert on nonviolent resistance to authoritarianism. He outlined 183 different methods people can use to stop a dictator.

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                1. PACM*

                  What’s his track record?

                  Cuz about half of these aren’t actually doing anything. They’re trying to shame people who have none, or they’re more afraid of retribution from their side than they are of symbolic acts or occasional public mockery.

                  The economic pressures might work except anyone big enough they’d care about is actively aiding them and they’re acting like they’re salivating about the return of company towns.

                  So yeah, that sounds nice and I’m sure you read the list and find some comfort in it, but I don’t see where it’ll actually prevent harm from happening in these particular circumstances.

        2. Anongineer*

          Elon’s group is technically (or partially) a pre-existing department.

          The United States Digital Service (USDS) was formed by Obama in 2014 as a group which advised and assisted other departments in improving and managing web pages and other digital services. This consolidation of digital services and support, and the resulting institutional knowledge, made it a useful tool for Project 2025. Republicans saw all the ways that nonpartisan civil servants improved the lives of all Americans through modernization and improvement of government services, and immediately recognized how the labors of civil servants could be twisted into a weapon of repression and cruelty against the American public.

          This is why, for example, Republicans are able to quickly identify and edit a wide variety of government webpages that praise, promote, legitimize, or otherwise guide the American public into empathizing with “undesirables,” or providing those “undesirables” with examples that might make them feel welcome (or even safe) living in the United States.

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        1. pcake*

          Nothing new there. I was managing a bar in the ’80s, and we were sued for having a lady’s night. The guy won, and the judge didn’t feel it was a fair trade for us to have a gentlemen’s night one evening and lady’s night another.

          It was too bad. Our lady’s night was popular with the women who got in free and the men who liked meeting all those extra women who only came on lady’s night.

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        2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

          Which is such an irony, given that “ladies’ nights” at bars were never for women. Men go to bars more than women do; the intent was to get more single women in basically so the men had someone to hit on. (And even that doesn’t result in equal numbers of genders.)

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    2. BethDH*

      Also, since I haven’t seen anyone mention this in the comments yet: a lot of higher ed changes on this are coming not just from the recent orders but as a result of the Supreme Court ruling on affirmative action.
      That has had a way broader effect than just admissions, affecting things like internships, TA/RA programs, etc. — even networking perceived as giving special access. A bunch of higher ed places are fighting these interpretations but it’s taking a while.
      And this is being exploited by individuals who are web scraping college programming and targeting things they perceive as having any DEI component and both reporting them and doxxing individuals involved in running them.
      It’s pretty scary.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        You mean the corrupt illegitimate supermajority of SCrOTUS, who are illegitimately handing down illegitimate and unconstitutional rulings.

        As mentioned above, get everyone’s contact information and see about meeting elsewhere. They might be able to forbid any gatherings on campus, but no one can stop you from going elsewhere and having a “book club” or “pizza night.”

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      2. Rage*

        I’m in my final semester for a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling; I’ll get my LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) license when I’m done. The ACA (American Counseling Association)’s code of ethics embeds DEI into many of its principles. In fact, in the section for Counselor Educators, one of the listed items is to “recruit a diverse student body”.

        I actually reached out last week to a member of the ACA governing council (because he’s actually with my university), asking if the there was any guidance coming out on how to navigate this. Their annual conference is next month and it’s on their agenda – they know they need to figure out how to guide practicing and student counselors going forward.

        Most mental health licensing bodies/orgs have similar language in their codes of ethics (MSW, MFT, etc.), so I imagine they are all doing the same. Trouble is: we’re already – technically – out of compliance with how the federal law is being interpreted/implemented, simply by adhering to the code of ethics (or, more cynically, *agreeing* to adhere to the code of ethics). It won’t take long before somebody realizes they can turn in a whooole bunch of people for “DEI crimes” simply by targeting the licensing bodies. I’ve been working hard for 4 years to complete this Masters while working full time, and now I’m debating on whether it’s worth risking federal criminal charges (that’ll look great on the ol’ resume, eh?) or rather just dropping the entire degree once I’m done and working on the outside so maybe I can stay out of jail longer so I can continue to push for change. Am I being pessimistic? Maybe. But I like postulating worst case scenarios so I’m not surprised. And the worst case scenario here is….very bad indeed. I honestly do not know what the best course of action is.

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        1. ThatGirl*

          My husband is a mental health clinician, don’t give up on it! I don’t know what the ACA will decide but Executive Orders are NOT law and can be ignored!

          Reply ↓
          1. Rage*

            True. But AG Bondi is certainly wielding it as if it were. And I think most people would rather NOT get into a protracted legal battle over federal criminal charges, even if the ultimate outcome is that the EO is deemed unconstitutional/illegal/whatever and the charges dropped.

            And, honestly, we can only hope that’s the outcome. Everything is so uncertain.

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            1. Elizabeth West*

              In time, I think it will be agreed that nothing coming out of this criminal regime was legitimate — not cabinet appointments, EOs, nothing.

              In the meantime, oops, we lost things. Sorry, that thing got renamed and misfiled. *shrug* We have no idea what that is; couldn’t be “DEI.” We don’t know what you’re talking about, Pammy.

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              1. I*

                Cabinet appointments are not legitimate? I probably mostly agree with you but some of this is just Democracy working and sometimes your candidate loses.

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              2. Rage*

                But our code of ethics isn’t something we can “lose” or cover up. It’s literally out there, on the internet, for all to see. Our license (and provision to practice during internship as student counselors) require us to agree to adhere to the applicable code of ethics. Kind of hard to hide that. And I’m not entirely certain that our professional liability insurance would even cover federal criminal charges for following established ethical guidelines. It’s a gray area, yes, but this administration seems to be bent on judging everything on a black-and-white basis. Heck, they just nixed a program designed to help special needs students “transition” from high school to adult life/working world. The term “transition” is one that is commonly used for that situation – and it’s hard to decide if they nixed it because it’s special education (unlikely at the moment, but still a possibility) or because they saw the word “transition” and assumed it was referring to the trans community (far more likely, given how they seem to be making decisions these days).

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            2. MigraineMonth*

              I’m so sorry you’re having to worry about this. You’re right, everything is so uncertain and chaotic, it’s awful.

              I think it’s really important at this time to pay attention to what power Trump has, what power he is allowed, and what power he has been denied. He has been allowed a horrifying amount of leeway to target immigrants, trans people and DEI efforts, yes, but he was stopped cold when he tried to make Matt Gaetz his AG or when he suspended federal grants. He needs to step carefully around issues that affect his base.

              If you are trans or immigrant, then yes, I would be very worried about being targeted by this administration. If you were taking specific action to protest the administration, I would think that was also risky. However, I think the administration would hit a huge amount of resistance from Trump’s own base if they tried to arrest and charge *all mental health counselors* with federal crimes just for being licensed.

              Solidarity and support.

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        2. Elizabeth West*

          It’s an executive order, not a law. Only Congress can make laws. He’s trying to rule by fiat and that’s completely unconstitutional.

          Reply ↓
          1. FedToo*

            I mean Administrative Law is a thing. I am very affected by this administration and very angry about how things are going down, but I see a ton or people throwing stuff around that isn’t true (and wasn’t true under previous admins either).

            The Education Department can make administrative laws that can be challenged or overridden by congressional laws and court decisions, but it is NOT true that only congress can make laws. The vast number of federal regulations are not congressional.

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    3. Nancy*

      Yes, any institution that receives government funding is extremely worried right now.

      I disagree with going to the media. Right now institutions are trying to keep as much as possible intact while trying to keep up with the many changes and not lose funding. They don’t need the extra attention and work.

      The students can meet elsewhere if the group is no longer on campus. A home, online, cafe, outside when the weather is better, etc.

      Reply ↓
      1. a higher-ed family*

        This!!
        You have to assess, has the college/university traditionally been supportive of various underrepresented groups, affinity groups, etc? If so, work with your group advisor to see if you can covertly rename/redescribe your group. Many institutions’ actions at this point are simply trying to preserve the school and funding. Schools that receive federal funding (which is most of them*) are trying to protect that funding, which protects all students and staff. If funding gets pulled, people will lose jobs, departments may close, and student loans and grants may be rescinded. They need to do this now to stay out of the crosshairs, while they figure out a way to fight back.

        I’m seeing this where my spouse works. And waiting for it to hit my institution. Both of which have a pretty good track record for creating access opportunities for students.

        *Ironically, there are plenty of uber-conservative schools (think Liberty or Hillsdale) that have eschewed federal funding for years over such things. I will be curious to see if they now want to be a part of that source.

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    4. Ada The Cat*

      We do get funding from the college. I’ve never been told (or asked) if it’s originally federal, state, or university money, but the dispersement and management of the funds is through the college.

      Reply ↓
  4. NotMyRealName*

    For #4 – as someone who doesn’t go by their legal name, it has never been an issue that the name I use in email and everyday work life is different from the legal name I use for taxes, official paperwork, travel, etc.

    The only time it was a slight issue was when I was in healthcare and the electronic medical records software we used didn’t allow for preferred names. Once or twice (in all the years I worked there), someone said they couldn’t find me in the system and I had to tell them to look under Full Legal Name.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anima*

      As someone who does “go by their middle name” (I don’t, I’m born in the GDR and they underlined your first name on the birth certificate, but that’s a foreign concept for western Germany), yes, this. I occasionally have to tell people my full legal name, but otherwise it’s fine!

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      1. Myrin*

        It’s actually not a foreign concept at all, at least not in the parts I’m familiar with – it’s just that it wasn’t done consistently enough to be universally recognised/applied. But I’ve definitely known about the concept even as a child in Bavaria, and now working as the town’s city archivist, I can directly confirm a good chunk of old Meldekarten underline the “Rufname” and, depending on the specific registrar, they’re underlined on the birth certificate as well. I had no idea there was a regional component to this!

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      2. Emmy Noether*

        AFAIK, legally speaking, there are no “middle” names in Germany. You can have multiple given names – “Vornamen” (up to five), and while they have an order, you can legally go by any one of them. Traditionally, the parents chose a “Rufname”, either by putting it first, or by underlining, but they don’t have to, and you don’t have to use their choice. My grandfather went by his second given name all his life, and this was in West Germany.

        Since not going by the first in the list can often lead to confusion (for example for international travel, or with people who don’t know the law and are being difficult about their ignorance), you can change the order by simple request since 2018.

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      3. amoeba*

        As far as I know, in Germany legally there *is* no first vs middle name – you have a full name with several first names and those are technically all equal. My full name would be something like “Amoeba Jane Smith” and legally, there is absolutely zero difference between going by “Amoeba” or going by “Jane”. Of course, convention has it that the “first first name” is the one most people use, but that’s all it is.

        There used to be the option to underline the preferred name (“Rufname”) but that was changed some time ago – Wiki says 2015, but it was already uncommon enough in Western Germany 1988 that my parents tried to do it and were told it wasn’t a thing anymore! Which is how I somehow ended up with my two first names in two different orders on my birth certificate/passport vs. my ID card, but that’s a different story.
        There is a new-ish law that allows you to re-order your first names any way you like. Haven’t bothered so far as it’s never been a problem.

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    2. But not the Hippopotamus*

      I came here to say this. I do not use my legal name at all, but use my Hebrew name. I am in the US and work in government consulting. All the companies (and the US gov) make email addresses and whatnot legal names. I just have to give people a heads up when they meet me as Sarah that my legal name is Persephone (not the real names).

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      1. Artemesia*

        Just be extra careful that no one is making airline reservations for you as part of some group travel without having your passport legal name. On a trip my husband was accompanying me on the organization used my last name on his ticket which could not be used; luckily at least the airline refunded the ticket, but they would not allow that same ticket to be re-issued with name change as that flight was ‘sold out’. And so I flew Nashville to Seattle to Tokyo to China and he flew Nashville to Detroit to Tokyo to China. Annoying on such a long trip.

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    3. doreen*

      To a certain extent, how much trouble it’s going to be is going to depend on exactly what “never” going by your legal name means , how large your company is and how things are done exactly. It would have been a disaster to try to do that at my job where the people making my airline and hotel reservations if I needed to travel didn’t know me personally. People make all sorts of assumptions that they shouldn’t – for example that “Bobby” s legal name is “Robert” and that’s what should go on airline tickets and paychecks. Adding to that confusion by signing emails “A-ron” rather than “Aron” or “Aaron” is only going to make it worse in some situations.

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      1. LaminarFlow*

        As a fellow Erin, and who has a very complicated last name (think: very long, too many consonants in a row) and who has more nicknames than anyone I have ever met, I can 10000% say that adding your phonetic pronounciation of A-Ron should not be a problem at all. After a lifetime of people asking how to pronounce my last name (which I absolutely do not care if they ask) I put my IPA skills from college to work, and I added the phonetic spelling to my auto-signature (people still ask me, so, it isn’t all that effective). I get referred to as Aaron All. The. Time in written communication (folks not in the Erin/Aaron fold frequently don’t realize they are two separate names, and I am def not going to educate them on this mundane factoid, plus, I don’t care about the mistake). But folks inside of the fold always get to cite Key & Peele’s Substitute Teacher skit, and have an LOL moment. Also, being in a room with an Erin, Aaron, A-Ron, Eryn, and Aerin is a special kind of Erin/Aaron hilarity!

        Anyway, let’s focus on you, LW: I do always reach out to people who are making reservations for flights or anything else where I need to show government issued ID since all names need to match my documents. I was once denied boarding to Hong Kong because of a first name misspelling, which is what made me start confirming first, middle, last are always correct before something is done & paid for.

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    4. linger*

      By the way, it’s “Aron Porcupine (A-ron por-KOO-pin-eh)”
      [cf. the preferred pronunciation of the name of Discworld assassin Teatime (Te-AH-tim-eh)].

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    6. Totally Minnie*

      I also don’t go by my full first name, and most workplaces have been completely fine with me using my preferred shortened name as my email. HR has my full legal name for payroll and tax purposes, and if I ever need someone else to book travel for me, I just remind them that the plane ticket needs to be for Minerva, not Minnie.

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    7. Hush42*

      I have a coworker who hates his first name and never uses it. He’s known by his middle name in all professional circles (and I assume personal). He introduces himself as Middle Name and in all of our systems he appears as first initial Middle Name Last Name (I presume that’s how it was requested). our company emails are all first initial last name. his is first initial of his Middle name last name.

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      1. Lab Boss*

        I’m in very close to the same boat (I don’t hate my first name I’ve just never ever gone by it, to the point that I don’t immediately realize someone is talking to me when they use it). The only time it ever was a problem was when I realized some legal and financial documents at work were under my middle name, and they corrected it quickly- but if I hadn’t noticed, it could have eventually been a problem. For anything that matters (travel bookings, taxes, insurance, whatever) it was simple to explain it should all be booked under Firstname Jones even though they know me as Middlename Jones.

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    8. fhqwhgads*

      The closer the “not legal name” is to the legal name, the more likely it is to be confused. Signing emails Bill when your legal name is William, would be more surprising for whoever’s entering your name elsewhere to NOT double-check first.
      If your name is Aron and you sign emails A-Ron, much more likely someone will include the hyphen when they shouldn’t without checking. Plus, as Alison notes, you don’t need to spell it differently when the only goal is conveying pronunciation. Just add text that says how it’s pronounced.

      Reply ↓
    9. Iusemymiddlename*

      I also go by my middle name – always have – except for signing legal papers. My school district has a field for preferred name which is populated with my middle name. However, they absolutely refuse to use preferred name in the display name for their email. Drives me crazy. People also don’t pay attention to how I sign my emails; those who don’t know me invariably respond to me using my first name. UGH.

      Reply ↓
    10. Quinalla*

      Yes, I had a similar reaction to this one, I think what OP is proposing (changing the spelling to phonetic) is fine. Plenty of people go by their middle name or a very odd nickname or even a fairly normal nickname and folks generally are a tad puzzled, but fine when they see their legal name on something they have to sign or whatever. I really think OP is fine with their approach.

      Reply ↓
  5. Thepuppiesareok*

    I can get a pretty good idea of the work culture surrounding sick leave when people like OP3 are questioning using the leave that’s part of their compensation package simply because they could have possibly powered through the day. And they didn’t even take the full day off! They still fulfill the parts of the job that absolutely had to be done that day. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Unless you’re fresh from college you should know if you truly need that time off or not. If so take without any guilt. Especially for mental health since it’s so often ignored.

    Reply ↓
    1. arideaus*

      Yeah, this one killed me. If you’re not paid hourly, using PTO to cover the hours of a light day seems like overkill – I would’ve done the meetings and just kept an eye on my laptop the rest of the day. You are not a robot! There are days you will be less productive! It’s fine!

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I actually agree – either use a day’s sick leave and don’t work, or don’t use sick leave and work even if you’re not at your best – but I think I’m biased by my last few jobs not letting people use PTO in less than half-day blocks. So it wouldn’t occur to me to take, say, two hours of sick leave out of an eight hour workday.

        Reply ↓
          1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

            exactly! especially if there was something urgent that you needed to get done and it would cause you more anxiety or cause backlog when you returned the next day.

            Reply ↓
          2. Hannah Lee*

            When I got hired, in a role that oversees payroll & timekeeping, the official policy was that PTO could only be used in half-day / four hour blocks. I asked around a bit, talked to the owners and everyone seemed to think that it was a rule or law like paying non-exempt employees overtime for > 40 hrs worked in a week.
            So I did all kinds of searches on line to find out if there was some reason for that. Aside from finding other companies who also had that 4 hour minimum, there didn’t seem to be hard and fast reason, US law that dictated that.

            The production manager said it was less complicated for him to schedule his hourly staff if they scheduled half days out, but he’d actually rather deal with the scheduling so someone who only needed to be out an hour or two could take just the time they needed, wanted: they’d get more done with the additional work hours and the employee could have more PTO banked to use when they needed it or it was a better time for them personally. Employees wanted that flexibility, he wanted them to have that flexibility … so that’s what we did going forward.

            I’ve always wondered if there was some labor guideline I’d missed, though, since so many companies seem to have that 4-hour PTO blocks thing.

            Reply ↓
        2. SickTime*

          Most people are expected to work a minimum number of hours per week or per pay period regardless of their exemption status so if they’re only physically capable of working more than, say, six hours one day they either have to make up the time or take the difference as sick time. In some cases, that may mean taking a half day of sick time (and, most likely, adjusting work time accordingly).

          Reply ↓
      2. Totally Minnie*

        I’m not paid hourly, but I work in state government and I am required to account for 80 hours each pay period. So if I’m taking a partial day off, I do use whatever amount of sick or vacation time that’s necessary to turn it into an 8 hour day. So my time card will say I spent 90 minutes in the project A meeting, 2 hours in the project B meeting, and used 4.5 hours of sick time.

        Reply ↓
    2. KHB*

      Yeah, that letter made me sad. For comparison, here are a couple of things that I did, more than once, during the early part of the pandemic (“a few years ago”):

      – Curl up and cry for a significant chunk of a workday *without* taking those hours as PTO
      – Take PTO for part of a day when I had no urgent to-dos, with little notice, for no reason other than that I felt like it.

      My conscience is clear on both of those. I still do the second one as often as I can.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cabbagepants*

        Yeah! I used to track my work down to the hour, even when I was exempt, to make sure I was “working enough.” Then I started paying attention and realized how many of my colleagues would piss the day away: coming in late, personal phone calls, chatting at the water cooler, long lunch, derailing meetings with off-topic pontificating, and then “not having time” to make any progress on their assigned tasks. And they would do this not occasionally, but every single day, for YEARS.

        After noticing this, I stopped feeling bad about taking the occasional quiet day.

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    3. AlsoADHD*

      It doesn’t have to be any issues with the company or even team culture. My leadership and company are insanely supportive of leave for wherever you need AND I don’t even have to put in leave (we’re unlimited with minimums and guidelines, and the discussion is often around making sure people take enough PTO). But I might still feel guilty taking a last minute day off for feeling sad even though I’d absolutely tell my direct reports they can do so and should if it will help them / they feel it is what they want (some people would really NOT want to be off if sad so a blanket “should” is wrong, I think — sorry if wording is odd there).

      Sometimes it is just the good old puritanical nonsense shoved into me as a kid or whatever that makes me feel guilty, past work culture might play in but honestly, the nicer they are, the more likely I feel guilty (if they told me it was an inappropriate use of sick time or were stingy and I could not get a new job, I’d find ways to stretch the edges of the crappy policy just because they hardlined). I have no issues taking PTO but I’m remote and I do tend to avoid taking unexpected days off that I feel would be disruptive— and the last few places I’ve worked definitely had both an org and team culture that was supportive of taking time for mental health or whatever you need.

      Reply ↓
      1. doreen*

        I used to say that Catholic guilt kept me from calling in sick when I wasn’t sick – and that really was the issue. It wasn’t that there was a negative work culture about it – in fact, the part that the guilt stopped was specifically the claiming to be sick part. I called in all the time saying I was taking a last minute day off. There were only two reasons to claim to be sick if I wasn’t – if I had already used up all my other buckets of time off or if there were already so many people off that day that a last minute request couldn’t be approved.

        Reply ↓
        1. Claire*

          “Sick” in this context can also just be shorthand for not feeling well. If you are having mental or emotional health challenges, you are not feeling well. It’s not lying.

          Reply ↓
          1. doreen*

            I understand that , but when I said ‘kept me from calling in sick when I wasn’t sick” , I meant I wasn’t in any way sick or not feeling well – not physically, not emotionally, I didn’t have a sleepless night and so on. I was referring to doing something I know other people do – calling in sick when I am not in any way sick because either I don’t have any vacation time left (separate buckets) or the maximum number of people already had that day off. I can’t do that, and it has nothing to do with workplace culture – it’s just me.

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          2. Lizzie*

            This! Early on in the pandemic, I had a close family member pass away, due to suicide. I couldn’t focus at all, so I took a PTO day. My bosses were very supportive and had no issue with it at all. I just needed some time to process things, etc., and not having to focus on work really helped.

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    4. Michigander*

      Our university’s policy is that if you work for any part of the day, it’s not a sick day, but I’m in the UK so obviously a different situation in that we don’t have a set number of days to use throughout the year. But I still get people who are like “I’ll log on and work if I can”. No! You’re sick! Just be home and be sick! We’ll all survive without you for a day. So there is definitely guilt that some people feel about taking sick time when they could technically work, even in a workplace with a healthy attitude towards leave.

      Reply ↓
    5. Qwerty*

      People bring a lot of their own assumptions to the table about what qualifies as sick. Personally I’ve seen a lot of younger people affected more by how hard it was to take a sick day from high school as kid.

      Surprisingly, my experience is that having a set number of sick days has been the best way to get people to use them for mental health, doctor appts, etc. There is less concern on what “qualifies” because it is up to each individual – someone who catches lots of colds will save them for physical illnesses, but someone who is always healthy will use them for headaches or choose to take the full day off whenever they have a routine appt like the dentist or eye doctor. Which I dislike because I prefer unlimited sick time, but I get that there’s the fringe people on both sides of “never use a sick day but will infect everyone” and “constantly calling out”

      Reply ↓
      1. SickTime*

        “unlimited” sick days are often a nightmare for someone with chronic illness because you have nothing to manage your sick time requests to until someone suddenly says it’s too much and then it’s too late because you haven’t “banked” time to cover essential things you have to do to manage the illness sepa and ate and aside from actual illness orbsymptom management.

        Reply ↓
      2. WillowSunstar*

        Yeah, as a kid, I was only allowed to stay home from school if I had a fever or was throwing up, etc. So generally for many years, that was the criteria used to stay home from work also. I think COVID helped in a sense that it normalized people staying away for relatively minor symptoms so as to not make others sick that might have worse immune systems.

        Reply ↓
    6. LW3*

      Thank you for the perspective and the kind words everyone! I work for a nonprofit with a mission I really care about, so my approach to work and PTO are maybe different from how people in other situations approach it.

      I didn’t feel bad taking the PTO at the time. It was only afterwards I started to second-guess a little bit. Nice to hear that my first guess was correct :)

      Reply ↓
  6. Long time reader*

    LW#2: Yes, sometimes even the minimum qualifications aren’t absolutes!! I made a fairly drastic career change several years back and had initially applied for a very entry level job at a company. Didn’t hear back. I went to a job fair & spoke with the person hiring for that role & they told me I should look into a different position-one that I immediately dismissed because my degree was in a different field (sciences as opposed to business) and I didn’t have the required years of experience working in said field. I ended up meeting with that hiring manager later that day, applying for & accepting that job and it was FANTASTIC!! I had a lot of transferrable skills & learned the rest on the job. And yet I’d initially thought it wasn’t even worth applying! Note that if you’re looking at government positions, minimum requirements are going to be a LOT less flexible than private companies.

    Reply ↓
    1. LW2*

      That’s great to hear! I’m actually trying to pivot out of government and into the private sector, which is perhaps why my thinking was a bit more rigid about minimum requirements!

      Reply ↓
      1. Cabbagepants*

        This is useful context! When changing industries your cover letter becomes especially important. It’s like a “free space” in your application.

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Oh, yes, that is night and day, in my experience. The government system is far more rigid and seems to really “mean” everything in a job ad or at least take it extremely seriously as I believe it relates to what grade etc. Nonprofit, I have both hired and been hired, and really we’re just throwing darts when we write a job description, and my boss often just wants to see who’s out there.

        Reply ↓
  7. Testing*

    OP2, I don’t really get this ”my relevant experience was 15 years ago in a job that isn’t on my resume because it’s otherwise completely unrelated to my current career”.

    Surely you can put this relevant experience on your resume for this application?

    Reply ↓
    1. LW2*

      I did wonder about that. It was a matter of a role wanting someone with experience working with a specific role, which I did as part of an old job, but neither my job title, field, or other job duties from that time would in any way relate (it was an unusual job that usually takes a lot of explaining for people outside that industry), so that experience would be my only bullet point if I listed it on my resume. Thus I thought it fit better in the cover letter. The field I’m currently in requires cover letters anyway (ugh) so it at least gave me something to discuss!

      Reply ↓
      1. Allonge*

        Absolutely mention it in the cover letter but I would strongly suggest putting it also on your resume, as it will otherwise be confusing if people check your resume based on your cover eltter. You don’t need to go into a lot of detail on the irrelevant parts, but put the job on your resume.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          Yeah, I think it’s fine to have that old job on your resume with just the one (relevant) bullet point. A resume is a marketing document, so if just one bullet point is from an old job is relevant for the job you’re applying to, that job just gets one bullet point.

          Reply ↓
  8. OfficialCatHerder*

    OP4 – If your office signature allows for HTML outside of whatever the company standard is, my workplace uses a website called name coach to create a name badge with your written name, the phonetic spelling, as well as a recording of you reciting your name. Maybe that, or if there’s a similar website, could help you!

    Reply ↓
    1. Lilith*

      I’ve worked with a few people who’s standard email signatures are:

      NAME
      Job title
      Pronouns & ‘Here’s how to pronounce my name: *Link*’

      This has mostly been with non-English names, so I don’t know how likely people would be to click on it if they think they already know the pronunciation, but it might be worth a try

      Reply ↓
    2. Jane*

      Or add a link to https://name.pn/ into your signature. On that site you can record yourself saying your name, and also add in a phonetic pronunciation.

      The “done thing” is to put #HelloMyNameIs into your signature, with a link to that site, but you may wish to adapt this – it might be clearer with a link for “how to pronounce my name”

      Reply ↓
    3. Florp*

      This is a great idea. My spouse had an employee who was a Serbian refugee, and no US English speakers had any idea how to pronounce his name. He just added a pronunciation line under his name in his email signature, and sometimes on letters or memos:
      Aron Porcupine
      (A-ron Poor-CUE-pin-nay)
      Director of Quills
      Stabby Little Animals, Inc.

      He also said his full name clearly and slowly in his voice mail greetings, conference call intros, etc. It was probably some extra labor for him, but I think everyone he worked with said his name right before too long.

      Reply ↓
  9. JaveyDones*

    I also have to wonder if the university actually wants to shut this group down, or is rather trying to cover their bases (and perhaps not communicating it well). And I say this as someone who works at a New England university and is part of a school-sanctioned affinity group. One thing that was made clear to our group is that while we can have a particular focus, we technically have to remain open to all employees. I imagine this is at least in part so that if a lawsuit is filed, no one can claim that certain people were excluded from or discriminated against by the group.

    Of course I don’t know the specific details here, and I’m often loathe to side with the employer, but it’s a situation that felt potentially close to home.

    Reply ↓
    1. bleh*

      If we all bend the knee and comply beyond compliance, we are doing their work for them. I believe that this is not best way forward.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ada The Cat*

      Technically possible, but this group has brought so much value to its members that I hesitate to bend to the political winds and shut it down. If we need to re-brand it, then I’m not opposed to that. The only question we’ve gotten from administrators about member eligibility is if we’re open to transgender folks, and my in-the-moment answer was something like “we don’t have a specific policy, but I’d say if they identify as a women or along that gender spectrum, then this is a great and welcoming group for them to join.”

      Reply ↓
  10. JSPA*

    #4, Except for official and legal documents (where you don’t want to break up your legal name) I’d use

    Aron “A-Ron” Porcupine

    or

    Aron (A-Ron) Porcupine

    It’s more commonly used for a nickname than a pronunciation correction, but if you don’t mind having the spelling A-Ron as a nickname, it’ll get the job done with minimal fuss.

    Alternatively, I guess you could legally change your name to include a diacritical mark?

    Dunno if copy-pasta of diacriticals will work here, but for your example, that’d be Āron. Even if people are not familiar with the mark they may stop and think whether they should default to “the Aaron / Erin” pronunciation.

    Reply ↓
  11. Happy*

    Seems like a theme today of people who lack confidence. Which is okay! Good to ask questions! But it feels a bit like a statement about today’s climate.

    Reply ↓
    1. LW2*

      I started getting a little less confident around Month 3 of nothing but rejections or silence. I appreciate Alison being here for sanity checks when we feel like maybe we’re doing this all wrong!

      Reply ↓
      1. Happy*

        That makes sense! And I can understand not wanting to waste your time applying to jobs if there’s no real hope of an offer materializing. It’s a tough time. Good luck!

        Reply ↓
  12. Practical Criticism*

    LW1: If your department chair is supportive of the organization, escalate it to them and ask them to email to confirm funding and room bookings will go ahead. If there are scholarly organizations, at home and aboard, who can send you letters of support saying how vital your event is, that might be helpful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope your event is a huge success.

    Reply ↓
  13. STEM query*

    Related to the first letter: An announcement made the rounds that any federal grant (NIH, NSF, etc.) applicants/recipients have to affirm that they don’t participate in any DEI activities (and are in compliance with Executive orders). Anyone know how that squares with the First Amendment, freedom of assembly, etc? Am in STEM at a public institution. Could esp use opinions from readers w/backgrounds in law, compliance, related.
    Also: Persist, LW1.

    Reply ↓
    1. Former academic*

      I’d suggest seeing if your disciplinary society (Association for Camelid Biology, Society of Spouted Design Researchers, etc.) has released any statements and if so reach out to them for support. Given that Broader Impacts are a Congressionally mandated, legally required element of NSF funded work, there’s a lot of pushback across the scientific community on directives that contravene this.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dr. Rebecca*

        “(Association for Camelid Biology, Society of Spouted Design Researchers, etc.)”

        I see what you did there. *dying with laughter*

        Reply ↓
    2. Pickles*

      Ironically the grant applications related to these funds most likely were funded because of their DEI activities. Amazing

      Reply ↓
    3. fat scientist*

      That seems over the top to me- some people have been issued stop orders on their federal grants because they’re too related to improving the lives of minorities or whatever, but to interpret the EO as not involved in any DEI activities I think is overreaching. I’m at a private institution so I know my perspective is colored by that, but if the NIH/NSF/etc is funding your research on T cells (or other hopefully non-controversial topic) there is no reason for them to know (or care) that you are also separately going to women in science meetings. That’s not part of the grant! I would push back if possible.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bumblebee*

        This is not how it is expected to work. Where I am, we are expecting that ” existence of anything that mentions race, LGBTQ, etc must be eradicated or ALL federal funding will be yanked.”

        Reply ↓
        1. fat scientist*

          Oh wow I hadn’t heard that. I haven’t gotten any messaging on that from my university but maybe it’s only a matter of time :/

          Reply ↓
          1. DEIA*

            Yes, they’ve been pretty clear that they see anything that touches on race, gender, disability, etc. as DEI and banned. They’ve already started cutting off research grants and making other changes accordingly. And added A to the end of DEI to explicitly call out accessibility issues as part of the deal.

            Reply ↓
        2. Ann O'Nemity*

          Yes, the February 14th “Dear Colleagues” email makes it sounds like all federal funding is at risk unless DEI is banned.

          Reply ↓
      2. fat scientist*

        Also if you (or anyone else reading this) are a postdoc or PI I really recommend future PI slack/new PI slack/mid career PI slack. I think there’s a grad student one too if you’re a grad student. I have found the community really helpful as all this stuff is happening.

        Reply ↓
  14. Nebula*

    For LW2, I’ve just looked again at the minimum requirements for my current job, and I didn’t meet two out of the three for knowledge/qualifications. They wanted a relevant degree, and experience with particular software, neither of which I had. I met the other essential requirements and most of the desirable ones though, and after I was hired, my manager told me that they wanted me over people who had better technical qualifications because I had better comms skills, and that’s harder to teach. Unless it’s a legal issue or something, you truly don’t know how much an employer will bend on those minimum requirements, so it’s always worth going for it if you’re close enough.

    Reply ↓
  15. DEIA*

    It’s not just networking meetings, it’s pretty much any program or initiative focused on women, minorities of any stripe, or the disabled. Accessibility programs are getting shut down! In fact, the EOs that prompted this activity explicitly call out accessibility initiatives and use the acronym DEIA instead of DEI. It’s awful.

    Reply ↓
  16. Media Monkey*

    a few people i work with have a widget on their emails that says:
    #MYNAMEIS Pronounciation in square backets. i assume that is a company wide choice that has been made, but no reason why you couldn’t put that in your signature?

    Reply ↓
    1. Duckling*

      There’s a website that does this (for free) – it generates a syllable by syllable example pronunciation and will also record audio to go with a ‘hear my name’ button widget. I can’t recall the name but a search will find it. (I am no longer using or referring to the G one.)

      It’s linked to anti-racism work though so US users may want to exercise caution. My name isn’t usually mispronounced, I just use it to help normalise the practice, so it’s in my email sig along with my pronouns.

      Reply ↓
  18. Jane*

    #OP4 I’m regularly called by a different, similar name, even immediately after introducing myself (think Sarah for Shreya). I’ve now realised that some individuals simply cannot hear the difference between these names, and/or cannot make the correct sounds to pronounce my name correctly.

    Could this be happening with your name? People think they are saying Aron, becanse to them it sounds exactly the same as Erin?

    Reply ↓
    2. Corrvin (they/them)*

      OP4 is saying– I think– that their name is pronounced like the letter A, followed by Ron, like “Hey, Ron” but without the H sound. So not the same as Aaron.
      (I live in a place where Aaron/Erin are said the same if not stressed, but I think the regular pronunciation for Aaron is more A as said in “cat”, then “run” as in go fast. We say both names like the words “air in” though.)

      Reply ↓
      1. doreen*

        I’m about 99% sure that the names in the OP are a reference to a sketch called “Substitute teacher” where the teacher mispronounces almost all the names – Blake turns into “Balakay” and Denise becomes “Dee-nice”. It’s not a matter of accent.

        Reply ↓
      2. Erin*

        I grew up in the immediate NYC-area, where generally people clearly differentiate between Erin and Aaron, but as I’ve met more people from outside of the Northeast, I’ve been really surprised at how similarly they pronounce the two names.

        Reply ↓
        1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          As someone from upstate NY, I think even most of the northeast pronounces Aaron and Erin pretty much the same. The Mary-marry-merry merger is pretty strong here. If I slow down and stress the names, there’s a slight difference, but definitely not at conversational speed.

          Reply ↓
        2. Consonance*

          I also grew up in the immediate NYC-area, and everyone I know pronounces these identically. It may be a smaller subset of people in the area who pronounce them differently.

          Reply ↓
    3. fhqwhgads*

      There are some dialects where they cannot head the difference between “Aaron” and “Erin”, and I assume the OP uses one of them based on their example. And many where Aron and Aran and Aaron are pronounced the same. But A-ron (or Ay-ron) would not generally end up pronounced the same as “eh-rin” or “eh-run” or “æ-rin” or “æ-ron”. Put another way, first syllable of OP’s name rhymes with “hay”, not “heh” and not “hat”.
      I’m assuming OP chose the example name they did because of the Key and Peele sketch, but also assuming their real life situation involves similar vowels.

      Reply ↓
        1. Yorick*

          But in OP’s example, their name is NOT the common pronunciation of Aaron or Erin, it’s the letter A and then Ron. Everybody can hear and pronounce the difference between A-Ron and Erin – they just aren’t doing it because they think it’s supposed to be Erin based on spelling.

          Reply ↓
  19. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

    OP2, Alison is right in general, but the difference between “C-suite” and “director” can be huge – at my company there are 3 or 4 levels in between. It sounds like that’s not the case where you are, but you’d want to say something like “senior leadership” since “director” varies so much.

    Reply ↓
  20. 653-CXK*

    OP#5: I accepted the offer for CurrentJob on the spot because it had everything I needed plus a healthy salary bump from ExJob. If you feel you can negotiate for more money, feel free.

    Reply ↓
    1. 653-CXK*

      Arrgh – forgot to complete the thought here :-/

      If you feel you can negotiate for more money, more PTO and more benefits, feel free to do so if that will help you.

      Reply ↓
    2. OP 5*

      Thanks, it’s helpful to hear others have ďone it! I’m planning to negotiate salary, but other than that, I don’t want to signal I’m less excited about the position than I am, when I already know it would be the right move–absent any surprises.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        I did the same with my current job. I had already looked at the salary, benefits, etc and decided that if it was offered to me, it was the job I wanted to take. Also, I was single and childless so I only had to worry about the effects on me and not on a family. So when I got the call with the job offer, I was ready to accept on the spot. And years later I still have no regrets (although I may or may not do it that way again next time depending on whether the circumstances merit it or not).

        Reply ↓
  21. Bettyboop*

    #1 I’m not US but I have found the same thing happening to us because of the president that’s been put forward in The US. fight as hard as you can to keep it because once it’s gone it’s very hard to start back up again

    Reply ↓
    2. tabloidtainted*

      It’s almost certainly never starting back up–we know how much was (and mostly wasn’t) rolled back after the first four years of the Trump presidency, even when it could have been, and we’ve seen how eagerly some organizations have “obeyed in advance.”

      This is the trajectory the country has been on for some time. Everything else is just window dressing. In some years it’s a slower decline, and in others, it’s an accelerated decline. That’s the difference.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ada The Cat*

      That’s terrible that our political chaos is impacting you. Apologies and wishing you the best of luck and fighting spirit in your next 4 years.

      Reply ↓
  22. katydid*

    question for Alison (or anyone) about #1. If the university is eliminating this program not by saying “your entity can’t exist anymore” but by making it increasingly impossible/difficult for them to secure meeting space, won’t the plausible deniability they’ve secured for themselves undermine any attempts to talk to the media about it? The media will ask the university, they’ll say “no no, they’ve misunderstood, of course we support the organization, but they have to follow procedures for securing meeting space like anyone else.” How do you handle that, as the person talking to the media, or as the media themselves?

    Reply ↓
  23. A Book about Metals*

    I’m not sure it would really be much of an issue if Aron uses a different name in their signature. After all how is that different from James having Jim in his signature of William having Bill?
    Plus, presumably he is already set up on payroll, etc so any official forms should be already set

    Reply ↓
  24. Lynn Whitehat*

    At least for tech, I’m finding the real requirements are something like “80% including the top 3”. I’ve been using that rule and getting good response.

    Just apply if it’s close. You don’t have anything to lose, except your time. I have LinkedIn Premium, so I can see some statistics about who has applied for jobs. The job will be for a staff engineer requiring 8+ years of experience, and 55% of the candidates will be entry-level. What?

    Reply ↓
    1. Parenthesis Guy*

      If you’re entry level, you probably don’t know what a “staff engineer” means. If so, then you can easily think it’s worth applying. Hard to get anything as entry level, so people just try.

      Reply ↓
      1. Qwerty*

        They should be able to read the job description, which Lynn says requires 8+ years of experience. Or take 10 seconds to research what a staff engineer is. Heck, ask chatGPT.

        I’m on the hiring side. All of my senior engineer roles and lead engineer roles are flooded with applicants who have no experience. Often they are still in school with graduation dates 1-2yrs in the future. The real people this harms are applicants like the OP who have similar-but-not-exact experience, because the person sifting through applications has less time to pay attention to connect those dots and more likely to be in Reject Mode

        Reply ↓
        1. Jackalope*

          The problem is that job titles can mean very different things at different companies. So looking it up online is a bad way to try to find an answer. To say nothing of AI which almost certainly will be wrong.

          Reply ↓
        2. Antilles*

          Unfortunately, there’s no uniform answer to “what as Staff Engineer is”.
          In my experience in engineering, Staff Engineer is the most junior of junior titles, people who are so green that the ink on their college diploma isn’t fully dry yet. But I’ve heard from other people in these very AAM comments that in their experience, Staff Engineer is the pinnacle technical title in the company, the technical gurus with decades of experience that can count the years till retirement on their fingers.

          Reply ↓
    2. bamcheeks*

      If the “apply” buttons takes you to the company website, then LinkedIn will tell you that everyone who has clicked on the button to see more information has “applied”. LinkedIn’s “50 people have applied for this job” is not remotely accurate!

      Reply ↓
  25. Spooz*

    #4: You HAVE to practice saying, “Oh, actually it’s pronounced A-Ron, not Erin.” I have a name that people frequently mishear and misspell, although if they see it written down they can almost always pronounce it correctly. It’s not a weird name, just similar to a lot of other names.

    I can’t think of a great example, but imagine my name is Eliza and people keep called me Elizabeth or Alice… but obviously can read Eliza out just fine.

    I can either answer to anything that sounds a bit like my name (which sometimes I choose to do! I’m not going to correct the nurse I see once for a blood test) or say loudly and confidently, “Oh, actually it’s Eliza, not Alice.”

    If you stay silent, people are going to assume that they’ve got it right! Especially if this is happening right in front of you. Once you start correcting people firmly, they will then correct other people.

    If you want this to stop, you HAVE to practice correcting people whenever you hear it. Having it in your email signature won’t do a darn thing in the middle of a meeting! And trust me, people don’t read email signoffs and signatures. If they did, I wouldn’t have people reply to “Regards, Eliza” with “Dear Elizabeth”!!!

    Reply ↓
  26. HonorBox*

    OP5 – I’d be elated if someone felt confident that they could accept a job on the spot. That would mean that I’ve done a solid job communicating with them, establishing some mutual respect and have laid out of the details they’ll need.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      I actually did this for the first time in my most recent job search. The position description included a very narrow salary range, and covered all the leave and benefits. So when they offered my the job there were no surprises, and I accepted. I admit, in my heart of hearts, I would have liked more, but it seemed churlish to try given that it had all been very clear. If they don’t have a robust process for raises, I might have to start looking sooner than I’d like.

      Reply ↓
    2. Qwerty*

      I’ve had a couple people accept the same day and it was amazing! It wasn’t immediate because we send over the written offer and benefits summary after the phone call.

      Reply ↓
  27. HigherEdExpat*

    OP 5: I accepted my current job immediately when it was offered! I had a suspicion an offer was coming – one of my references gave me the heads up they’d been contacted – and talked over hypotheticals with Spouse that evening. I knew I was at the top of the range and negotiated for more vacation commensurate with experience in the call offering me the job. Boss said, “I suppose you want the weekend to think it over and talk it over with anyone you need to make the decision with…” but the relief in her voice when I told her I was prepared to accept on the spot. As long as you have the information you need and discuss it with anyone you need to ahead of time, it’s not weird.

    Reply ↓
  28. dgm*

    OP #1 – As a fellow Woman in Tech (WIT), let me say that you are not alone. I find a lot of times that WIT don’t realize that there are groups like yours on campus and into the working world that can be great resources. Know that there are resources out there.

    Things to do:
    – See if other departments have similar groups to yours. Reach out and see what they’re doing.
    – Find allies within your school. Are there professors or deans in your department who have shown support for your group? Reach out and see what they can do (and hopefully already doing) to help.
    – Not all tech companies are backing out of DEI initiatives. Look to those companies and see what sort of out reach programs they have. (It’s a free recruitement tool for them.) Alison’s suggestion of reaching out to the press means that those who work in local offices will also hear about what’s going on. It may make it easier to work with them for support, such as coming up with a way for you to use their space to meet. (And those connections could be useful to make in the future as well.)
    – Look for connections outside your school. There are others PhD programs where any WIT group that they have will also be facing the same thing. Reach out to them to see what strategies they’re using.
    – Along those lines, look for the professional WIT groups out there that are related to your field. Some are professionally run and others may be local volunteer organizations. They may be able to give you guidance or other ways of support to keep going. The added bonus is that you can start networking within your industry, which may help you after you graduate and look for a job.

    Unfortunately, this is a lot of work to do on top of your program. Hopefully you’ll be able to get the other members to help you. But you are not alone in this.

    Reply ↓
  29. VertigoThembo*

    I wanted to ask #5 myself, so I’m glad it’s answered here! I’m hoping to hear back from a job this week (it’s even also a university) and it makes $6.50/hr more than my last job- $23.50 instead of $17- and has crazy benefits I’m already familiar with bc my fiance works for the university. No way I’m not accepting on the spot if they offer!

    Reply ↓
  30. Pretty as a Princess*

    #4 I have a colleague who simply puts in brackets right following the name in his siggy, the correct pronunciation.

    Eg Peanutbutterface Chomondeley [CHUM-ley]

    He also has it as the first line of his internal bio on our intranet staff pages.

    In your case where people had it right before they stopped seeing in it print I would offer up a “I appreciate you trying to pronounce my name correctly – but you had it right before! It is in fact A-Ron!”

    (I’m only offering up something this gentle because it seems from your description that the people are pronouncing you right and then when they see it written, they think they were wrong and are trying to correct themselves.)

    Reply ↓
      1. Zoe*

        I bet it still won’t work on everyone… my name is ‘Zoe’ – which is hard to pronounce for some (an Indian friend once told me some Indian alphabets don’t distinguish between J and Z, and I’ve certainly had other friends who just could not pronounce a ‘z’ sound and instead called me ‘Joey’). Which I totally don’t mind because I am sure I butcher some of their names as well despite my best efforts!

        Multiple email chains I get ‘Hi Joe’ even though my name is RIGHT THERE below the signature :p & I often get called Joe in meetings.

        Reply ↓
    2. Nola*

      Yeah, I could see this happening to me. Spend months calling someone A-Ron to their face, talking about A-Ron in meetings, etc then seeing your email signed Erin and panicking “oh, no! I’ve been saying A-Ron for ages! Do they think I’m making fun of them? Have others noticed and think I’m being a jerk? Why didn’t anyone correct me? Idiot! Must remember to call them Erin next time!”

      Make it easy on us well-meaning, anxiety prone idiots.

      Reply ↓
  31. Names are Hard*

    re #4, I have a similar situation and my signature line is: “Aron (“A-Ron”) Porcupine”.

    and there are still people who will always just call me the wrong thing!

    Reply ↓
  32. Analyst*

    LW2: I’m a hiring manager, and the experience time is set in stone by HR- they won’t let me hire anyone who doesn’t met the minimum there. The rest, is my discretion. But they check the experience time (and we do not agree about what counts, which has been it’s own issue). So…depends.

    Reply ↓
  33. JennyEm56*

    #1: My university sent an email this weekend saying that the supreme court case that ended affirmative action was going to “apply more broadly than undergraduate admissions processes” and that they’d Department of Ed will be assessing compliance in the next couple of weeks.

    I know my university would fight any way they can, but that was chilling. I can see how universities may want to keep some DEI things a little quiet until after they’ve been assessed.

    What awful times we live in.

    Reply ↓
    1. DEI Mole*

      I work for a large public university that was recently skewered in the national media for our DEI efforts. The vibe around DEI has been pretty chilling as of late. I recently attended a training on “understanding privilege” where the instructors were walking on eggshells and very few people contributed to the discussion. It was markedly different than sessions I attended even a month ago.

      Reply ↓
  34. Hyaline*

    LW1, I am going against the grain here to say–gather some recon before calling in the airstrike. You say it “seems” that this is the case, but hold up–but my experience with university bureaucracy surrounding student groups is that they are often absurdly and stupidly Byzantine. Stupidly, because you would THINK that to facilitate student involvement–a good thing!–we’d clear the path, but instead we often put a bunch of barriers in place that maybe could be argued protect the university…if that. Sometimes a faculty member or sympathetic admin paves the way and clears the barriers, but often they’re not following policy and at some point you’re told to start playing by the rules.

    A couple for examples–to get ANY funding at my institution, students have to have a student financial signatory on file, who is willing to provide a bunch of personal info. When that person graduates…no one can get at the funds until a new signatory agrees to serve. To schedule rooms, everything has to go through Cranky Bob at the Registrar (who is cranky because he has to schedule all of the rooms). You have to get approval to even hang a flier! So if, for example, Professor MacGillicutty said you could use the conference room for the past few semesters, and now you’re being told to email Cranky Bob, it may be that you’re only being told to follow (Byzantine and annoying) rules. Why the rules now? It could be DEI related–but that could be in a “cover our butts so we don’t get called out for unfair preference” rule adherence. It could be someone new started and doesn’t know all the old handshake agreements, or, as sometimes new people do, is enforcing rules they were taught. It could be a lot of things that aren’t “trying to shut you down.”

    I would sniff around similar organizations. Your university isn’t going to ONLY shut down your group if it’s a DEI thing–all of the Women In groups and Black Student Union and AAPI Heritage Club and GSA/Pride groups are going to be pinched, too. And ONLY them–the Running Club or English Club or Parakeet Fanciers Club isn’t going to be affected. If suddenly everyone is being told to email Cranky Bob for the room assignment? Slow your roll, this is just campus policy. So ask around a little before burning any bridges with the people you ultimately want to help you and be your allies in continuing a valuable on-campus resource for women.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ada The Cat*

      (LW#1 here) That’s definitely the Occam’s razor explanation for it: it’s definitely possible. There’s enough turn-over in the deans/administators for it to be that reason, too. The administrators didn’t seem particularly informed about the bureaucratic hassle involved with their requests, but that’s par for the course with other, non-women’s group situations. I’ll try to sniff around other groups to see if there’s a theme.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hyaline*

        And also–then you have a whole bunch of groups with a similar issue to band together with if it turns out you are being unfairly targeted.

        You might also try talking to someone with some solid institutional knowledge–your department admin assistant will often have a good sense for “normal” and what’s been typical historically. (I wish I could say faculty, but honestly…some faculty know this stuff, and some are really clueless about administrative and bureaucratic processes. Hello, it’ s me. I’m faculty.)

        Good luck, and I really hope you can keep your group going with minimal hassle (and that you never have to email Cranky Bob).

        Reply ↓
        1. causing problems is praxis*

          Agreed, if you have a good relationship with someone on the admin staff that’s your best bet for getting real information on what’s happening. If you don’t have that relationship yet, maybe bring donuts?

          Reply ↓
  35. Short-And-Red-Life*

    #4 I have a similar problem. I suggest adding NameCoach or a similar service to your email signature, there are a few services that are free. This is also a great move for accessibility and for people for whom English is not their native language.

    Reply ↓
  36. Enn Pee*

    LW1, we had specifically asked our big big boss about ERGs at our higher ed institution. Because all are welcome (they are affinity groups, but are not closed) we were told that they are fine to continue. I would push back on this. If you have colleagues at other institutions, you can get information on their ERGs — I guarantee there are other schools that are not closing theirs.

    Reply ↓
  37. cat lady returns*

    A very pertinent announcement came out over the weekend regarding letter 1…

    Signed, a person who just got a job doing retention programming for students of color at my local state school (after being laid off and unemployed for 4 months)

    Reply ↓
  38. blood orange*

    OP#2 – In my experience (10 years in mid-size company HR and recruiting), qualifications are often estimates of what a company is looking for. Many are trying to make their best estimation of what a good candidate would have, but in reality (and especially when seeing the whole candidate pool) are more flexible. Others have very outdated qualifications listed, or someone who doesn’t know the role well wrote the job description. There are certainly employers who either have such a large candidate pool that they can use those qualifications to eliminate candidates on black and white metrics, and others who are so mired in bureaucracy that they can’t go outside of the listed qualifications. In my opinion, if you’re interested in the position and think you’d be a good fit, it’s a good idea to apply.

    Reply ↓
  39. Offers*

    It’s fine to conditionally accept a verbal offer, but you should always ask for a formal offer letter before a formal acceptance to make sure the details are clearly laid out and understood by both sides. If possible, get a copy of anytjjng you’ll be expected to sign too. You’d be amazed how many times I’ve found something unexpected when things are put down in writing.

    Reply ↓
  40. So Flippin Angry*

    Good luck to LW1. It’s infuriating, but here’s the landscape: my agency has ABOLISHED Women in Federal Service, ALL “affinity groups” (e.g., Hispanic Workers Group, Spanish Language Practice Group, etc), BLACK HISTORY MONTH (All of it. The day was a federal holiday so it was a day off, but no mention of the reason is acceptable. All speeches, discussions, lectures, ceremonies, and festivals were summarily canceled), Asian-Pacific Heritage Month, JUNETEENTH, Hispanic Heritage Month, and Disabled Employees Council.

    Here’s what’s allowed (You do the math): Columbus Day, St Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas

    I share this not to dishearten LW1, but to point out the environment you’re up against. If people are so scared/cruel that they OUTLAWED BLACK HISTORY MONTH, you may find your concern—at best—ignored or at worst…well, you know. It’s your fight. You decide how much you can tolerate. With apologies to Alison, “That’s illegal” means zero right now if you belong to the federal government or rely on it for grants/funding.

    I also share this to highlight it (yes, rub it into the noses) to those who still say dumb things like, “change is always difficult” or “they’re just trying to ‘trim’ the government” or “you’re just stuck in old thinking” or “Relax, they’re not going to do that sort of thing; stop being so dramatic…”

    Reply ↓
    1. Very Anonymous Federal Grantee*

      Hear, hear.

      I work in healthcare and am a sub-awardee on 2 federal grants. Most of my departmental budget is federal dollars and every member of my 5-person staff has at least half their salary paid by federal grants. The type of work that we do is work that some might call DEI and others just call working with people in rural areas who don’t have access to quality healthcare.

      Because I’m a sub-awardee, I also have to be mindful of what that original awardee is doing. Right now the goal is mostly to draw as little attention to ourselves as possible to avoid getting our funding entirely cut. No one is happy about it, and no one feels good about it, every week I’m in multiple meetings where we try to convince ourselves that it feels wrong but the work we do literally saves lives so we can’t risk not being around in the future.

      I understand the desire to refuse to capitulate but whether something is “legal” or not isn’t stopping funding from being slowed down until certain words are removed from a website (something that happened to my host organization 2 weeks ago). Trust me, I feel like crap nearly every day I go to work right now but unfortunately, this is the reality we’re in.

      Reply ↓
      1. Double Ultra Anon*

        YES. I work in higher ed on outreach/retention projects primarily for minoritized students. I hate, hate, hate the idea of capitulating in any way, but the fact of the matter is if we don’t (change program titles/pause some activities while we work out alternatives/scramble to change our website and collateral/etc.) we may get our funding pulled and be unable to provide any services at all to students who desperately need them.

        Sure, we might be able to fight in court, but that takes time. What happens to our current students in the meantime? When they lose their scholarships, resources, and support systems while we fight for years?

        All that to say, I hear you on the “feeling like crap” front— I don’t want to be part of the problem and prematurely comply with these orders, but I also want to minimize disruption to those we help while we come up with satisfactory solutions. Feels like we’re getting punched on all sides and it’s demoralizing (which is the administration’s goal).

        Thank you for the work you’re doing, it’s important, needed, and hopefully your team and your mission perseveres through all this chaos.

        Reply ↓
  41. Irish Teacher.*

    LW3, that sounds like an absolutely reasonable use of a sick day. Just as you don’t need a diagnosed stomach issue to be off with a stomach upset, you don’t need a diagnosed mental health issue to have days when your mental health is below par.

    You needed some time off for mental/emotional health reasons and honestly, it’s probably better for the company as well as for you, to have you get well and back to full par as soon as possible.

    Reply ↓
  42. Yes And*

    LW1: This morning I gave our standard anti-bias/anti-harassment training to a group of new employees. But first, last week, my boss and I discussed whether this training violated these federal executive orders. We decided pretty quickly that *of course* this training wasn’t illegal (the anti-harassment portion is actually required in our state), and we would want to do it even if there were doubt on the point. But we had the conversation, which I would never have thought possible.

    The thing is – and I’m sorry to get political, but there’s no other way to say this, and it’s relevant – this administration seems to be defining “legal” as anything they want to do and “illegal” as anything they don’t like. It’s no wonder institutions are running scared, especially if they have federal funding at stake.

    The solution is to proceed with what you know is right and not let them stop you. But it’s going to get harder, in ways large and small.

    Reply ↓
  43. The Rural Juror*

    LW4 – Something they’ve done at my office recently, which I like, is giving us the option to add name pronunciations to a lot of things. Nameplates at our desks (we have an open concept office), business cards, email signatures, etc. We have to have IT change our email signatures, so there’s a request portal for name changes and pronunciations. I appreciate that they make it easy.

    Reply ↓
  44. DD*

    LW1 adjacent – in this latest lunacy episode in the US DEI is basically being used as anything non-white straight Christian able-bodied male.

    In professions/areas where the majority isn’t white, straight, Christian able-bodied male (teaching, nursing, drag queens quickly come to mind) are there organizations to support the minorities that would be DEI (male grade school teachers might have a group for example)? Are those organizations also struggling with DEI directives and receiving pressure to disband too or does the usual straight white male privilege mean they don’t have to change anything because that isn’t DEI (even though it is).

    Reply ↓
  45. tjames*

    LW1……I’m pretty sure the Department of Education’s Dear Colleague letter issued over the weekend makes your group a violation of federal law, so it’s unlikely anything will save it now. Even if it isn’t clear whether the group is illegal or not, the school will get rid of it so as not to provoke an administration that makes it clear it fights dirty. The university I work for has been shutting down anything even remotely related to DEI. We did keep the cultural centers open, but we will likely now have to close those given the new edict.

    Reply ↓
  46. NotMyNormalName*

    #1 – give your university grace. The letter that just came out gave an incredibly short period of time to comply with a ridiculous and onerous change. At some point they may be able to look at individual cases but I would not be surprised if the current policy is get rid of anything that could cost federal funding and then clean up later.

    Reply ↓
  47. Kt*

    #4 I can’t see how this would be a problem. It’s no different than going by a nickname at work. Think signing your emails Mel when your name (and what would be in contracts etc) is Melissa.

    Reply ↓
  49. My name is not Sierra*

    OP#4, I have a name that is very common where I live, but frequently mispronounced by people from other countries. This is a problem as I spend a lot of time working with international collaborators, journalists etc. I recently added a link to my email signature labelled “hear my name”, which goes to a recording on the namedrop website of me saying my name. It was quick (and free!) to set up, and has hugely reduced the number of times I have to either correct people or just put up with them saying my name wrong. I’ve actually had several people spontaneously thank me for including it as it saved them embarrassment!

    Reply ↓
  50. Meow*

    #3 If you feel guilty about taking that day off, I would frame this more as “you were physically not suited to perform your usual duties on that day due to temporary set back”. Either way, you are perfectly reasonable to take that day off.

    Reply ↓
  51. Very Anonymous Federal Grantee*

    LW1, please do not go to the media. Regardless of the reason behind this the exact meaning of what constitutes DEI is purposefully being kept very vague by this administration and I am concerned about the fallout for you if you make a public fuss about it. A lot of federally funded places I work with are going the route of being very low profile to avoid becoming a target and avoiding having conversations about this kind of thing happening in writing or in recorded meetings.

    Reply ↓
    1. Did the right thing (but it doesn't feel like it)*

      I agree — I’m currently being doxxed online and it is NOT fun.

      But if you must go to the press, PLEASE please please lock down your internet and social media presence. Start now while you still have the energy to do so. LinkedIn makes it very challenging to make your profile private, but it is possible. Google and Bing have a process to request to remove search results; it is also complicated, but not impossible. In addition, Consumer Reports has an article recommending paid services which request your data be removed from hundreds (literally hundreds) of those data-scrubbing sites that will post all your private information like home addresses, phone numbers, family members, etc. It is worth the price to sign up for that. Please, proactively protect yourself.

      Reply ↓
  52. Nathan*

    It’s rare for me to completely agree with advice here, but:

    > It’s going to cause problems and confusion if you spell your name one way in emails but need it spelled a different way on official forms and contracts

    This is actually not really a thing for like 90 – 95% of jobs. SO many people go by a name that’s not their legal first name, and if the legal name is needed it will be requested. If you wrote “A-ron” in your email signature it would be completely fine and most industries would not see it as unprofessional at all.

    Reply ↓
  53. Throwaway Account*

    for #4, I use a tool (link in reply) that gives a link so everyone can hear me pronounce my name correctly. I put a note with it in my signature like this:

    Aron Smith (Hear my name)

    I also include my pronouns with a link to an explanation – I’ll link to that too in a reply.

    Reply ↓
  54. AnonAnon*

    #1: These groups are not illegal (if I read your question correctly). My company is based out of New England too. Our Women’s group and other DEI and ERGs are in full swing and there are larger, national groups that are in full swing and still very active. I am in “Big Pharma” and our DEI groups and resources are not being taken away. In fact, they have been promoted lately as a place to lean on during these odd times.

    Reply ↓
  55. Southern Violet*

    1) Also EOs are not laws and can be ignored. The only reason your institution is following this js because they want to. I would make them say it outright before you give in and then make that public. Name and shame.

    Reply ↓

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