Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker masturbates in the men’s bathroom

There is a guy in my office who will go into one of the stalls in the men’s bathroom for 20-30 minutes at a time. I have had the bad luck of entering a stall next to him and hearing audible masturbation noises. I think he does this every day we work in-office because I swear it’s happened 5-6 times. A coworker I’m close with has confirmed hearing it as well, so I know I am not going crazy. I have also seen this guy come out of the bathroom with headphones on, looking at something on his phone, so after repeated incidents, I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t know how loud he is.

Not sure how to handle this one. He is more or less doing it “in private” and I feel like HR would escalate things too much. We also were recently acquired by an international company and no longer have in-house HR. I don’t really want to tell someone halfway across the continent about a coworker’s bathroom habits. On the other hand, I would feel uncomfortable going up to him and saying, “Hey, I hear you jerking it every time we’re in the office, can you knock it off?”

Asking HR to intervene would not be escalating it too much. Far from it! This guy is not in private; he’s using a shared bathroom where coworkers are hearing him (and he’s apparently not even bothering to be discreet or to stop when someone is in a stall a couple of feet away from him). You don’t owe him privacy here; he owes you the ability to use the bathroom at work without being exposed to the sound of someone jerking off. “Not hearing someone masturbating” is pretty much a bare minimum expectation you should be able to have at work.

Talk to HR. Say you’ve heard others report the same thing, it’s gross, and you don’t want to be exposed to it.

2. My employee doesn’t solve problems on her own

I manage a department of three employees, and I’m struggling with how to supervise one of them.

We’re a high-performing team with various responsibilities, so everyone has a lot on their plate. All three employees have been with the company for about the same amount of time, so I expect them to have similar levels of knowledge. Betty and Sally are both friendly, approachable, take initiative, and are solid problem-solvers. Velma is quieter, takes little initiative, and often relies on me for answers or guidance. I don’t mind questions, but it’s become a regular occurrence, and many of these issues she should be able to resolve herself with a little effort, basic reasoning, or research.

This was understandable when she was first hired, but after more than two years, it’s become problematic. In previous one-on-one meetings, I’ve asked Velma to take more ownership of her problem-solving and attempt to find solutions on her own before asking me for feedback. I even listed this as a goal on her last annual review, but there’s been little improvement over the last year. Her responses often included that she wasn’t sure and knew I could find the answer faster, or that she didn’t have all the necessary information, even though I don’t always have it either and often end up taking a few minutes to figure it out myself.

I’m getting frustrated with the situation, and am frankly tired of giving the same feedback every few months. We’ve all had to learn this skill, and none of us needed this much hand-holding. Velma is a fine employee and does good work, but she’s not a star performer like her colleagues. I try not to compare them, but I’m aware it’s probably affecting my perspective. I know I need to start addressing this more directly in the moment, but I’m not sure how to do it without coming across as annoyed.

You need to escalate the seriousness with which you’re treating it. Sit down with her and name the pattern and what she needs to do differently: “We’ve talked about this in the past and it was a formal goal on your last review, but I’m not seeing the progress I need. Now that you’re two years into the job, I need you to take more responsibility for problem-solving and look for solutions on your own before coming to me. That’s true even if you think I can find the answer faster than you, because you won’t develop this skill without practicing it. So going forward, when you ask for helping solving a problem, I’d like you to include everything you’ve tried so far — whether it’s checking our documentation, looking through similar past projects, or XYZ (fill in here with specific things she should try in your context). If you haven’t tried solve it yourself first, I’m going to ask you to do that before I step in.”

Then, when she brings you a problem she should be able to solve herself, ask what she’s tried so far. And rather than jumping in to figure it out yourself, think about how you’d figure it out yourself and then ask her to take those steps instead of you. (Here’s some advice on how to do that.)

If after a few months of this you’re not seeing much improvement, this may be an ability she’s not likely to develop with the amount of coaching it’s reasonable to expect you to invest … at which point you’d need to decide what that means for her tenure in the job. In some jobs it would be prohibitive; in others it might just mean that she can’t advance or won’t be compensated in the same way as Betty and Sally are.

3. Do I have to keep working late now that I’ve resigned?

I recently resigned from my hectic 9-5 job to go back to school in May, giving two months notice instead of the usual two weeks.

The job is typically 9-5, but it is a busy time and in the past month I was added to two new accounts that are making me work late. I’ve been putting in about three extra hours of work per work day, and I don’t want to anymore. Will I be remembered poorly if I leave closer to 5 pm, or is there a tacit expectation that people aren’t going to go above and beyond when they’ve quit?

You should return to your regular hours. You generously gave them two months of notice instead of two weeks; you don’t also need to give them 15 extra hours of work a week! Frame it this way: “I won’t be able to handle these two new accounts on top of my regular workload — I have time to do X and Y but not Z, or I could do about half of each of them, but I can’t do everything that’s currently on my plate within a normal workweek. Can you tell me how you’d like me to prioritize, knowing that not all of it can get done? Or alternately, would it make more sense to reassign the two new accounts?”

If you hear you should just find a way to get it all done, you should say, “There’s not enough time in the work week to get it all done. I’ll do as much as I can, but I need to let you know that it won’t all get done.”

And then leave on time.

Related:
since I gave notice at work, my boss has tripled my workload

4. References when you haven’t had many jobs

I have been helping my daughter with her resume and applications for full-time employment (thanks to your column, we have great info), but there are many applications that are asking for three business references. She’s only had two part-time jobs, one in college and one she’s been at since graduation. Some of these are online where they won’t let her past the question without filling in all three. How do we navigate this? Each job has had only one supervisor/manager, so there aren’t even two levels of bosses she could add.

In a situation like this, it’s okay if all the references aren’t managers. Is there a coworker she could add, someone who worked closely enough with her to be able to speak to her work with some nuance? Ideally it would be a coworker who was senior to her, but if no one like that is available, she could list a peer.

5. Can you use FMLA for clinical trials?

I have a moderately-serious, life-shortening chronic condition (I have decades, not months, left, and I use a wheelchair outside my home) for which there is no treatment. About a year ago, I got the chance to do clinical trial for a new drug that was in development. It required a month-long in-patient stay in a treatment center.

I asked my work’s EAP if I’d be able to use FMLA for that, but they told me “you can’t use FMLA if it’s voluntary.” That seems wrong to me? After all, most medical treatments are technically voluntary, in that you could choose not to do them — sometimes with the devastating medical consequences, but you have the option.

I ended up working remotely during the trial, judiciously using PTO on days when I had a lot of procedures, but I still sometimes had to be on Zoom meetings while getting blood drawn.

Anyway, I’m interested in getting your take on that decision. Should it have been covered? What are the actual rules? I might do other trials in the future, and I’d like to be sure of my options.

Whoa, no, your work was 100% wrong. The law is clear that you can use FMLA for a clinical trial when it’s part of a serious health condition. The fact that clinical trials are considered “voluntary or elective” is not a factor. Your EAP may have been thinking of elective procedures for cosmetic treatments (like plastic surgery), which don’t qualify for FMLA — but they were fully wrong on the application here. In fact, the U.S. Department of Labor issued an opinion letter last year, affirming that employees may use FMLA for clinical trials.