did everyone know the real reason I was at an office party with a married couple?

by Alison Green on February 10, 2025

A reader writes:

This letter involves a very sensitive topic and some backstory, so bear with me.

Would you consider it weird if a coworker brought along an unrelated college-aged girl to a work party where you could invite family?

I ask because I was​ that college girl. When I was 19, I was a sexually frustrated lesbian with then-undiagnosed autism. Despite being at an LGBT-friendly university, I had no sex life and didn’t know how to approach women without coming across as some sort of creep. Every LGBT-related extracurricular I was in was centered on networking, political activism, or community, so I never felt comfortable broaching any romantic or sexual topics with fellow queer women, and I was also scared of accidentally hitting on straight women. HER and Lex didn’t exist then, and I was too scared to attach my face to an app like Tinder.

So I would make anonymous posts on YikYak and Whisper asking if there were any other lesbians in the area. I met a couple in their thirties who wanted a third, and I said yes because it was my only opportunity for gay sex even if a guy was there. (To be clear, the encounter itself was entirely consensual and, to quote Anatoly Dyatlov, “not great, not terrible.”)

However, before the actual encounter, the couple had invited me to their office party (they both worked there). The couple said that it was normal since “family and friends” were invited, and they had introduced me as their “cousin” to their coworkers. Of course, I didn’t tell people the real reason I was there, but I was honest about my university, my degree, etc. I was friendly with anyone who talked to me and didn’t think anything of it.

I’m now 28. I have established myself into my budding white-collar career. I recently remembered my previous escapade — upon which, it jarringly dawned onto me that all of the couple’s coworkers likely clocked me as their unicorn with me none the wiser. After attending quite a few office parties of my own where family was invited, it clicked in my mind how weird and noticeable it might be if a coworker brought an unrelated college student under the nebulous label of “cousin.” Who brings their cousin to an office party, anyway?

Thankfully, materially speaking, it doesn’t matter now. I work in a different industry than the couple. I moved to a different state after graduation. I currently live and work 1,800 miles from where we lived. We weren’t in regular contact after the encounter. I don’t remember their names and, heck, they likely don’t remember me at all! This satisfies my rational mind, but emotionally, I cannot shake off the likelihood that all of the couple’s coworkers knew the real reason I was there. With this in mind, I have no idea why the couple would’ve invited me along, because wouldn’t this have also reflected poorly on them from a professional standpoint?

It makes me feel weirdly vulnerable, gross, and exposed almost 10 years after the fact. I simultaneously feel stupid for ever agreeing to it but also frustrated because nobody taught me how to navigate the college social environment without accidentally acting gross or hiding my emotions entirely. Are my fears unfounded?

Yes.

The real question is: what married couple invites their hook-up to an office party ahead of a single casual sexual encounter?

That’s not a thing people do, largely because office parties are not exactly hotbeds of sexual arousal. To the contrary, going to someone else’s office party is normally the opposite of exciting foreplay; they tend to be incredibly dull for anyone who doesn’t work there (and often for those who do).

It is very, very odd that they thought they should bring you! But it’s odd on their side, not on yours. You just rolled with it; good for you. You were also not yet of an age where you knew anything about office parties and what would or wouldn’t be appropriate. But they were!

In any case, I am absolutely sure that their coworkers at the party didn’t suspect you were their unicorn! Bringing a cousin (who might have been staying with them) makes a ton more sense. It is highly, highly unlikely that any of their coworkers went home thinking, “I bet that wasn’t really a cousin and was actually a hook-up!” Because again, office parties ≠ hot romance. It’s just not where the mind would go.

I am sorry you are feeling vulnerable and exposed looking back on this! I hope it helps to hear that almost certainly none of their coworkers thought you were anything other than a bored cousin who had been dragged to someone else’s work function.

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{ 223 comments }

{ 223 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. office parties ≠ hot romance*

    My new handle lol.

    I think if this happened at my office party my most likely thought would be that their cousin was visiting for the holidays and they so they brought her along because they felt weird going out without her.

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    1. juliebulie*

      I agree, but I wonder if there was something more going on in that office and this couple wanted to show off their unicorn.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kaiko*

        I think that’s going to make the OP feel more worried and shamed, not less. Occam’s Razor suggests that the couple was weird with boundaries and wanted to blur the lines between “work” and “play” for their own gratification, not that some kind of Duck Club moment was happening.

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      3. JSPA*

        More likely

        1. it was their way of letting the LW know that they were who they said they were, not (say) random predators with no fixed address. (Yeah, I know that holding a job doesn’t make someone a safe date. But, still.)

        or,

        2. they’re really cheap, and it was the ultimate way to take a nice person on a minimally nice date, without paying a red cent.

        LW, if someone is skeevey, they can claim anything, about anyone, to anyone. (We had a letter here from someone whose workmate had claimed to be her husband, despite her being married to someone else, and their relationship being entirely a figment of his warped imagination: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/10/my-coworker-told-everyone-were-married-were-not-even-dating.html

        But you can’t protect in advance (and only rarely in retrospect) against someone making sexual claims or innuendo after you’ve been and gone–regardless of whether you’re their unicorn, their cousin, their babysitter, or someone who works three cubicles over.

        So to recap, it is highly unlikely that anyone spontaneously thought anything. It’s unlikely but not impossible that your sex pals were indiscreet after the fact. But it’s highly likely that even if they were, nobody would be taking their sexual bragging at face value.

        You are thoroughly and truly in the clear.

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      5. Ellie*

        That was where my mind went. I can’t think of any reason why they would have brought OP to an office party, if not to flex.

        But if its any consolation, if a couple at my work turned up with a third woman who they said was a ‘cousin’, I wouldn’t question it at all. I’d assume this cousin was interested in the industry and looking for networking contacts. Because why else would she be there?

        In fact… if the man claimed to me later on that she wasn’t actually a cousin, but a unicorn hook-up… I’m not sure that I’d believe him. So I think OP is doubly safe.

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      1. Resentful Oreos*

        Same here. I’d be thinking “poor Cousin. Got dragged along to her relatives’ work party. Couldn’t they just have left her money to order a pizza, gave her the password to their WiFi and left her at home to read or play games?”

        Honestly, an evening at home with a Lean Cuisine and Solitaire would be more fun than a stranger’s office party where I knew no one.

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        1. Quill*

          Yeah, unless this was a really desirable industry / a field related to OP’s study. Then I would have assumed “networking” rather than “hooking up”

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      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        Or they thought, since they were in college, that they were trying to get the cousin to network more with the company?

        Reply ↓
        1. Nola*

          Or, cousin’s parent is making their sibling bring along cousin in hopes of getting cousin to start taking school/The Future a little more seriously.

          I’ve encountered that scenario before. Several times.

          Reply ↓
          1. Resentful Oreos*

            Since LW was a student, either one of those – networking or Cousin’s parent made them do it.

            Either way, the consensus is that office parties are deeply un-fun if you don’t work at the office. Even if you’re a spouse or significant other they can drag. At least this wasn’t on a boat with an open bar and nobody was going to be confronted by Wednesday.

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          2. RC*

            Yeah, this is the first place my mind goes; college student cousin is (perceived as, by the couple) Troubled or Not Taking Life Seriously so comes along to the party.

            “Prelude to a threesome” is like, 6th in my list of potential explanations, but that’s just me. And any judgment I’d feel like doling out there would be towards the couple, not LW.

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          3. Bast*

            Perhaps a solid second guess (in my mind). But that someone was involved in a tryst wouldn’t even by on my list of ideas unless I found them making out in the broom closet or something.

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        2. ferrina*

          That’s what I would assume- they had brought a cousin to try to help them learn to network.

          Again, that’s assuming there wasn’t anything else off about the couple. If the couple had spent the last week bragging about their unicorn and then brought their winks-as-good-as-a-nudge-know-what-I-mean cousin, I’d just roll my eyes and move on with my day. I certainly wouldn’t remember the cousin years later.

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        3. Mallory Janis Ian*

          That’s probably what I would think was going on. College students are at the age where friends and family still invite them places basically for their own edification — they think they’ll enjoy the food, or they might see what working in an office is like, they might be able to network, etc.

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        4. Analystical Tree Hugger*

          Or to show the younger cousin “This is your future! Isn’t it great?”

          …not realizing that an office party is most boring ways go introduce someone to a corporate environment. Alas, poor cousin…here, have an extra plate of snacks to take home.

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    4. Butterfly Counter*

      Yes. I once invited my sister to a faculty party because she happened to be in town for that weekend. No one batted an eye. It’s not common, but it wasn’t completely weird, either.

      I think the only way the other faculty would grok onto why OP was there is if this couple routinely talked about their sex lives and adding a third to their dates occasionally. I would hope they wouldn’t, but if they did, it would be more about their issues than anything about the OP to those around them.

      Also, and this may just be my own experiences with people I’ve worked with for years, but in my department, someone would have said something if they knew. Even if it was just, “Oh, so this is your… cousin *wink wink*.” But more likely, “Oh, Drs. Jones brought a new third! Welcome!” But we’re not a department known for subtlety or not just naming things as they are.

      Reply ↓
    5. MarfisaTheLibrarian*

      Yeah my assumption would be
      1. Actual cousin visiting for holidays
      2. Actual cousin staying with them while attending the nearby university (might raise the question: why have I never heard of this cousin before?)
      3. If they were decent people but seemed cagey about their “cousin,” I might wonder if there was family drama
      4. The only way I’d get anywhere close to the truth is if they made a habit of crossing boundaries in NSFW ways and bringing a new cousin to every work party, in which case my only thought to you, LW, would be “I hope she’s not getting taken advantage of”

      Reply ↓
      1. Myrin*

        Exactly my thoughts. I also reckon that the age difference worked in OP’s favour here – a thirty-something couple rocking up with a 19-year-old? I’d probably assume “younger relative” without them even introducing her as such.

        Reply ↓
      2. MigraineMonth*

        I wouldn’t think it was at all odd that I hadn’t heard of a coworker’s cousins. I don’t know all of my officemates’ siblings. Plus, cousins is this nebulous cloud that goes from my aunts’ and uncles’ kids to my eighth cousins twice removed. I literally could not tell you how many *I* have.

        OP, if I’d met you at the office party I would have been charmed to meet someone I didn’t already spend 40 hours a week with. I probably would have assumed you were there for networking, or just the free food. I promise I would *not* have been wondering about their/your sex lives.

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        1. doreen*

          I might think it was odd if I had never heard of a co-worker’s cousin who actually lived with the coworker – but only if I had heard of the other members of the household and for some reason the coworker introduced the cousin as ” Rachel, the cousin who lives with me”. Other than that , I would have assumed “younger relative of some sort” even if cousin wasn’t mentioned.

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        2. Ally McBeal*

          Completely agree. I have 24 first cousins, most of whom live in the same area as me. My coworkers know of them simply as “my cousins,” as in “I went out to dinner with one of my cousins, then I did trivia night with another cousin.” I’ve worked here for 3+ years and don’t think even my work bestie could name any of them.

          Even if OP were a totally different race or ethnicity than the couple in her story, most people still wouldn’t bat an eyelash at the “cousin” label because interracial relationships and adoption exist. She is way, waaaaay overthinking it because she feels awkward about the whole situation now.

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    6. Baunilha*

      I’ve been that cousin! (Niece, actually)
      And it was exactly like that: I was visiting and my aunt thought that taking me to the party and dining on company dime was better than leaving me home alone for hours.

      Reply ↓
      1. UKDancer*

        I’ve dragged my much younger cousin to a works drinks before now. He was staying with me because he had a job interview in London that day and couldn’t get home until the next day.

        So he met me at my drinks, stayed for the buffet and went back with me. I don’t think anyone thought anything odd of it. Work drinks in that company were fairly chill.

        Reply ↓
        1. AnotherSarah*

          Yeah I’ve also done this. I have a bunch of cousins, most around 5-8 years younger than me, and I’ve often dragged them to family-welcome events so they could have a bite before we go out together, stuff like that. Never an issue.

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          1. Delta Delta*

            Yep. I’m in my mid 40s and have cousins ranging from ages 29 to 70, so I’d think nothing of the age difference. I also have some relatives by marriage who we refer to as “cousins” but they’re probably not and it’s too much work to figure out how they’re related so we just call them that. And we spend more time with them than with any of our actual cousins. Families are just like that sometimes.

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      2. T.N.H*

        I’ve been on both sides of this! While often boring for the young person, it’s not really that unusua. I wonder if OP has another reason to believe that the colleagues thought it was weird… cause it’s not that weird!

        Reply ↓
    7. Momma Bear*

      My office allows you to bring a +1, friend or family. Sometimes people bring a partner, but just as likely people bring a friend or a relative (sister, son). While I am sorry that OP is feeling weird about it, I want to offer some reassurance that it was likely a non-event for the rest of the office, especially if OP was just talking about school and normal things.

      I agree that the “weird” would be on the couple, not OP. I wonder if what OP is actually processing is the situation in general, not just related to office norms. Sometimes we do things in our youth and inexperience that we look back on with a different POV later. If I were OP, I’d ask myself why I feel like this matters now. Is there something going on in my current life that’s bothering me? Emotions are weird and come up unexpectedly sometimes.

      Insofar as the office party, though, I hope OP listens to their “rational mind” and is reassured that they were OK at that event.

      Reply ↓
    9. Elizabeth West*

      This is exactly what I would think — if they said “cousin,” I’d take it at face value. OP didn’t say there were any improprieties at the party, so nothing happened to tip coworkers off.

      OP, take it from a chronic overthinker, you’re probably overthinking this. Anyway, it’s long ago and far away, so nothing to worry about now. I doubt anyone at the party even remembers it or cares.

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      1. Hlao-roo*

        Anyway, it’s long ago and far away, so nothing to worry about now. I doubt anyone at the party even remembers it or cares.

        Yes to this! If (and I agree with everyone else, it’s a big if) anyone at the party did correctly guess the real reason you were there, I doubt they remember:
        – your name
        – what you look like
        – that one work party where [coworker name] and [coworker name] brought a third as their guest

        Reply ↓
      2. Resentful Oreos*

        Alison has had so many stories of *really memorable* office parties published. I would say most of them revolved around too much alcohol, really bad food, or stinginess on the part of the C-suite. Never have I seen one where the story went “I remember this party where a couple of coworkers brought one of their cousins…”

        OP, you are competing with drunken fistfights and cheap rolls. Trust me, no one is going to remember. *I* don’t remember most of my various office parties.

        Reply ↓
      3. Timothy (TRiG)*

        “Anyway, it’s long ago and far away, so nothing to worry about now.”

        Something about this phrasing puts me in mind of that famous line from The Jew of Malta, but it contains a slur, so I probably shouldn’t quote it.

        Reply ↓
    10. The Person from the Resume*

      It is unusual to bring a cousin to an office party.

      It is even MORE UNUSUAL to bring your sexual unicorn to an office party.

      I would not expect people to not go jump to the unicorn conclusion. More likely their cousin is a local college student, and they invited her because family is invited to the party.

      Reply ↓
    11. MK*

      I think that’s what everyone would assume. Especially since OP told them they attended college in the area; it makes total sense to have a young relative who is studying close to you and away from their nuclear family stay with you. And I really hate to say this, but, if OP’s neurodivergence was registered by the coworkers, even subconsciously, it would make it seem even more natural.

      Reply ↓
    12. Tiger Snake*

      I have worked with married couples (different teams but same floor). Heck, I have worked with a woman, and then in a later job worked with her daughter. And at no point in any of my interactions with these people, including when we all ate lunch together and they were holding hands the whole time, did my brain ever go “these people sleep with each other.”.

      People are very good at not thinking about that sort of thing and ignoring the man behind the curtain just like Oz asked us too. It’s something trained and ingrained in order to manage office and public niceties. One would need to work REALLY hard to shatter the illusion far enough for the idea of “oh this might be a throuple” to even start rearing its head.

      Reply ↓
      1. UKDancer*

        Yes I strongly prefer not to think about my colleagues romantic lives. Its not my business so while I have a vague idea who has a partner I don’t think about it beyond that.

        Reply ↓
    13. Artemesia*

      My guess would be that this is not the first time these people have done this, that it is part of their kink and that everyone knows who the cousin they bring along is.

      Reply ↓
  2. CityMouse*

    My guess is they got something out of bringing their third to an office party. Like a surreptitious thrill out of it. And, yes, the motivation matters.

    Reply ↓
    1. JustCuz*

      Blagh I agree. I am SO GLAD I am not a young woman anymore, and how sad is it that I feel that way anyway? I hope OP realizes most women and people who present as women have experienced these types of situations especially when young and vulnerable. am sure some men have too, but as a society, being taken advantage of for some kind of weird sexual pleasure is a thing all most all people who present as women and girls face. You are not alone.

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Quite possible. But alternate theory: They knew you are supposed to host the third at a nice dinner in a public restaurant while everyone checks out the vibe and comfort level, but cheaped out and decided to let the office party cater this meet and greet for them.

      (I am now committed to everyone around this couple having the least sexy interpretation possible of their dropped hints.)

      Reply ↓
      1. AnotherSarah*

        This is what I thought as well–I suppose the thrill is another possibility, but this also seems likely. Neutral place, if the OP acted up they could call off the tryst after, and unlike meeting at a bar, less of a risk of OP getting totally smashed.

        Reply ↓
        1. Managing to get by*

          But there is risk in bringing an unknown person to a work function – if the OP acts up it could damage their professional reputation.

          I think the simplest answer is probably the real motivation- they got some thrill out of showing off their third, and probably the secrecy of pretending she was their cousin too.

          Reply ↓
    3. Annie E. Mouse*

      This is what I’m thinking also, and might be part of why LW is still feeling so squicky about this. They get a little exhibitionist thrill to bring around their third without anyone knowing.

      Reply ↓
  3. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    Multiple things:

    1) The least sensational option is usually the most likely, so the coworkers wouldn’t jump there immediately.

    2) If the coworkers had any inkling and thought it was weird, it would be about that couple, not about you. You, they never saw again. They saw their coworkers again, maybe even asked who you were and if you were coming back. And then when nothing came of it, it was dropped and just a thing that was weird about their coworker, not you. (See: we all thought Pam was weird for bringing 7+ ones to the party- we didn’t speculate about the motives of the 7+ ones, even if most of them were children.)

    3) Let it go- or tell it as a weird, funny story for future reference. If no one got hurt, no one was embarrassed, etc, just let it be one thing in your life that happened and you can look back with amusement. Over time, you learn to let go of things you’ve been embarrassed by or wondered about.

    Reply ↓
    1. Juicebox Hero*

      I fully agree with 1. I have a dirty mind, and even I wouldn’t assume it was anything sexual. I’d just feel sorry for you being dragged along to your cousin’s boring office party.

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      1. Elsewise*

        Yeah, I’m queer, kinky, have a lot of poly friends, and terminal gutterbrain disease. I would absolutely never assume “threesome” when someone brought their cousin to an office party!

        Reply ↓
        2. aebhel*

          Yeah, same. Unless something overtly inappropriate was going on at the party, or the couple had a habit of bringing a new much younger ‘cousin’ to every work event (unlikely, and in any case would reflect entirely on them), it wouldn’t even occur to me. Because that’s genuinely a kind of unhinged thing to do, office politics aside, for the same reason that bringing a first date to an office party is extremely weird behavior.

          Reply ↓
        3. Hroethvitnir*

          Thirded! If people genuinely bring friends, “cousin” wouldn’t make me blink an eye. And I resemble your description entirely.

          I hope this helps you feel less squicky, LW!

          Reply ↓
    2. Alan*

      I would never in a million years assume the OP was anything other than a bored cousin who was in town and had been brought because her family was already committed to the party.

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      1. Antilles*

        Same here. I would pretty much always assume that OP was indeed a cousin visiting for the holidays and got dragged along because we can’t just abandon our guest sitting at home by themselves watching TV.

        Reply ↓
      2. Smithy*

        Absolutely.

        I also happen to be related to some boomers who genuinely do seem to believe that their work events, receptions, etc. are a) fun and b) unpleasant to go alone, because who wants to go solo to a party.?? After my father passed, my mother genuinely could not imagine going to a work party without my brother or I. Similarly, my aunt has invited me to a number of her workplace receptions under the premise I’d genuinely want to go and find it fun.

        In those cases, choosing to go (or not) is entirely about me managing my family relationships. And if anyone thought it was weird, it was more “huh” vs anything more scandalous. I do think the OP looks back on this so much differently because of the larger relationship dynamics – but you can take a sigh of relief that there genuinely are other familial relations going to office events for really boring reasons.

        Reply ↓
  4. Aww, coffee, no*

    That would be my take also.
    Plus if I’d ended up having a chat with you I’d probably be thinking something along the lines of ‘Yikes, poor cousin being dragged along to this, I’m impressed with how well she’s mingling’.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aww, coffee, no*

      Sorry, that was supposed to nest under ‘office parties ≠ hot romance’s’ comment about “I think if this happened at my office party my most likely thought would be that their cousin was visiting for the holidays and they so they brought her along because they felt weird going out without her.”

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    2. Melicious*

      Unless I knew something about this couple to make me suspect otherwise, I’d think it a little odd to bring a college aged cousin to a work party. But I’d also assume it was both true and innocent, speculating that you were either staying with them or under their care or something like that.

      Reply ↓
  5. Temperance*

    My guess is that you were hopefully the first so they didn’t realize you were their unicorn at the time, but if the couple did it again with another woman, it would have been obvious and/or a running joke. Not you, them. At the utter weirdness of bringing their third to a work party lol

    Reply ↓
    1. CityMouse*

      I guess at some point it would get funny. Like the random cousins on Murder She Wrote “Oh, another cousin? Sure, okay.”

      I also think people vastly over estimate how much other people care. Bringing your third to an office party just comes across as attention seeking, but the reality is pretty much no one cares about your dating life.

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      1. KaciHall*

        My husband and I have been married for over a decade. Every now and then we will run into someone from my family that has never been mentioned before and my husband will be friendly and slightly confused and then demands to know how I know them (and then, how we’re related) because I just have so much family that I just don’t talk to.

        I’m kind of wondering if he feels the same way about my cousins as you do about Jessica fletcher’s.

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          1. pope suburban*

            This is actually a conceit in a series of William Gibson’s novels. Beginning with “Pattern Recognition,” there’s a family of spies with wide-ranging military, forgery, and other spy-adjacent training who work for government officials and former government officials pulling off all kinds of heists and sleight of hand tricks.

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          1. Melicious*

            Mine’s not QUITE big enough to not know aunts, uncles, first cousins, but I have certainly lost track of changing spouses and my cousin’s children.

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          2. Aerin*

            Spouse’s grandmother had 11 siblings. The family is LORGE.

            On the other hand, I have had very little exposure to the families of origin of either of my parents. I discovered a second cousin in high school after the teachers I met all kept saying “Oh, you’re Cecil’s sister!” and I looked back blankly and said “Who is Cecil?” I am not 100% confident in how many step-siblings I have, so the concept of cousins is a complete mystery to me.

            So at that office party, I’d be the meme of “that sounds accurate, but I don’t know enough about [COUSINS] to disagree.”

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          3. Ellis Bell*

            I know all my first cousins (there’s over thirty of them), but other people in my life can’t keep them straight or remember me referring to them before. Their kids and second cousins… that’s where I start to get lost.

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          4. Elizabeth West*

            My dad’s family had a reunion about twenty years ago that we all attended, and holy cats, I had no idea I had so many cousins. Most of the people I met that weekend I will probably never see again.

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        3. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

          Every once and awhile, my mom will bust out another named relative and I’m like, “Who the heck is that?” I’m 45 and she’s still pulling random cousins, aunts, uncles, etc out of the woodwork.

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        4. Kit*

          I’m the member of my family who can recall my relationship with even second and third cousins who I haven’t seen in years… which came in really handy at my grandfather’s funeral, when I could fill in those blanks for my dad and sister (who are both oblivious to this sort of information) but otherwise is just a weird quirk that my spouse fortunately accepts. I tend to explain how I know people even for those who aren’t related, though, because I’m the local in our marriage and have an extra few decades of social interactions with this community under my belt.

          Honestly the only part of it that’s impressive to most folks is that I can remember the details of first/second/third cousins and degrees of removal, because I had a phase of being really interested in genealogy. Special interests ftw.

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  6. Sunny*

    OP, for what it’s worth, we had someone bring a visiting cousin – also in college – to dinner recently. We thought nothing of it except that they were entertaining a young college relative and didn’t want to leave them alone for the evening. General sense of familial obligation, etc.

    At most, people probably thought “poor cousin being dragged to an office party.”

    Most of us don’t gravitate to “threesome” as our first – or second, third or even tenth – thought in this type of situation. The natural reaction is to take things like this at face value.

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    1. ScruffyInternHerder*

      And if one of my coworkers brought up that they suspected a threesome in this situation (because office gossip gonna gossip), I’d probably look at them sideways for the thought!

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      1. Audrey Puffins*

        I’m so very trusting that if a co-worker mentioned that they suspected a threesome, my response would be something along the lines of “with a cousin? GROSS”

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  7. Judge Judy and Executioner*

    I agree with Alison. I would have taken it at face value that the LW was a cousin visiting from out of town, and they didn’t want to leave her home alone. I would have thought that EVEN if I knew the couple were swingers and regularly found unicorns at work. That actually happened somewhere I worked and was very gross. I really prefer not to know about my coworker’s sex lives.
    LW, I would have never clocked you as a unicorn at the party. I hope that you can forgive yourself for this. You were young, and the couple had very weird ideas about what was appropriate at work.

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    1. Ellis Bell*

      This. The cousin is an unknown quantity, it would be super weird to judge her, or impose an unstated identity on her, even if the couple were over sharing, cringey, boundary-less nightmares. I might, at the very most think “I hope they’re being more discreet about their sex life with a relative in town!” But that would be it. Also, this is my first encounter with the term “unicorn” but it seems like the kind of expression that’s useful to self identify with, or to autopsy a relationship with in hindsight but it would be so much more inappropriate for someone else, with minimal knowledge to apply to you.

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  8. ruthling*

    Yeah, even knowing things I didn’t know ten years ago, I would never have thought someone in that situation was a hook-up, even if I thought it was a little weird to bring another random-seeming adult to a work party. Probably would have assumed you were visiting from out of town, a legit cousin who happened to be in college at their town, or a friend in kind of a bad situation who needed something to do and somewhere to be. It’s all on them for being gross and/or terminally clueless.

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  9. Night Owl*

    For what it’s worth OP, I spend a lot of time in non-monogamous spaces/have been a unicorn myself and would never assume “unicorn” if a couple introduced their “cousin” at a work event – I would absolutely take that at face value. I’m sure no one who was at that event even gave it a second thought. I also agree with Alison that this is completely on them and not on you. It’s bizarre that they brought you to a work event but that is not a reflection on you AT ALL.

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    1. Exit Persued by a Bear*

      This was my thought. I have relatives who are polyamorous and who occasionally bring partners to family events, and I still wouldn’t ever jump to the assumption that someone introduced as a cousin was anything but.

      Like many other commentators here I would, however, have felt mildly bad for you being dragged to a boring office party where you didn’t know anyone, before turning my attention back to the task of avoiding all the people in the department I didn’t wanna make small talk with.

      Reply ↓
  10. TX_Trucker*

    I think your fears are unfounded. This may be vary by industry, but we have office parties that are open to friends and family. And for us, it is incredibly common for staff to invite college students they are vaguely related to. It’s exposing them to the “real world” outside of academia.

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    2. Dust Bunny*

      Our office parties aren’t but I might have thought that the ‘cousin’ was considering going into our line of work and was visiting for the day, especially since the OP was so young. It would be a little bit boundary-crossing but not so much that anyone would have questioned it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Betsy S.*

      Totally. I might have wondered whether you were thinking about an internship in the future, or thought you might be hoping to make social connections with young coworkers. Or just that you were a social person who thought she’d give a work party a try. I would have believed ‘cousin’ unless something extremely blatant happened

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  11. Falling Diphthong*

    OP, it is extremely likely that the people at the office party thought vaguely “I wonder if there are more corn chips? Also, how long do I have to wait before it’s okay to break into that tray of brownies?” and didn’t pay you any mind.

    You yourself didn’t do anything that would not vibe with “Our socially awkward young relative is visiting this weekend, so we brought her along.” I will even pen a little fanfic where the couple really wanted people to realize, but the coworkers remained stubbornly uninterested in their love life no matter how many leading comments were dropped.

    Reply ↓
    1. FricketyFrack*

      “I will even pen a little fanfic”

      I would read that fanfic. I would never have guessed unicorn in that situation, and I’ve been one, so it’s also extremely plausible. I would’ve just felt sorry for the poor teenager who got dragged to an office party, and then been focused on how to extract myself from said party as soon as I reasonably could.

      Reply ↓
    3. Aww, coffee, no*

      I would absolutely be the person making polite conversation while actually focusing on the tray of brownies and wondering how soon I could reasonably take one.

      Reply ↓
        1. Brownie purist*

          Ugh, no, office party brownies are inevitably disappointing. Don’t get sucked in. They probably have walnuts in them.

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  12. Just A Normal Guy*

    Maybe, MAYBE (*maybe*) at my ultra-progressive, queer, young office someone might have thought “Oh maybe that was actually their third and they felt weird introducing her that way” but tbh I think in most offices, the majority of people aren’t even aware of the concept of unicorns. It would be SO WEIRD to jump to that conclusion, especially given, as Alison pointed out, that there is no reason to bring a casual hook-up to an office party. I barely want to bring my wife to office parties! She has better things to do! I really wouldn’t worry about it. (I do sympathize though – as a fellow undiagnosed-autistic lesbian I often find myself cringing about things that I said and did when I was younger that probably made people view me differently than I would want. But then I remember all of the cringy things that I’ve seen other people do and say that didn’t affect how I see them and that helps me feel better!)

    Reply ↓
      1. Abogado Avocado*

        Yes, yes, also totally agree.

        I have belonged to offices where middle-aged divorced white guys brought women in their 20’s as dates and I and my female colleagues knew then and there why these men treated us so terribly in the office. And I’ve belonged to offices where people brought others identified as family to the party and nobody assumed they were anything but family.

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  13. Amber Rose*

    It’s possible they clocked your status. It’s highly likely that if they did, they didn’t care, or they’ve forgotten it entirely by now.

    Do I remember in a vague way that guy who came with like three dates? Yeah. Could I pick any of them out of a crowd? Not on your life.

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  14. PokemonGoToThePolls*

    Even if I knew the couple was in to that sort of thing, I’d still have believed the cousin story because why wouldn’t I? It sounds like other people brought family members to these events so that’s a perfectly normal thing to have done.
    And anyway, any weirdness is on them, not you. They worked there, not you. You had no way of knowing what expectations would be in that environment beyond what they shared.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I am picturing:
      Partner 1: “This is my… ‘cousin.’ She’s… visiting for the weekend.”
      Coworker: “Nice to meet you cousin. Can you believe Tangerine brought her dog in a harness made out of cookies again?!”

      Reply ↓
      1. epicdemiologist*

        Wait, is that (dog-in-a-harness) (made out of cookies) or (dog) (in a harness made out of cookies)?

        Those 2 are very different setups with very different possible outcomes!

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          I believe it was a harness covered in cookies (not made entirely out of cookies). Search for the post “I will confront you by Wednesday of this week” and other holiday stories from December 14, 2017 and it’s story #10 there (I do not recommend reading directly before or while eating–it’s off-putting).

          I’ll link in a follow-up comment.

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  15. Sparkles McFadden*

    Here’s every introduction at an office Christmas party: “This is blah and I invited her because blah blah blah.” No one thinks anything about anyone. We’re all just hoping it’s not a cash bar and that no one has sneezed on the buffet.

    I doubt anyone thought anything about it at all. If someone did think something was off, it would be due to the fact that that couple does odd stuff all of the time. It was crappy of them to do that to you, but you didn’t do anything wrong.

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    1. Indolent Libertine*

      “We’re all just hoping it’s not a cash bar and that no one has sneezed on the buffet” is the bestest description of how people feel about office parties EVER!!!!

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  16. Nebula*

    I am a queer person who has been a third for a couple and knows lots of polyamorous people. If I had also been at that office party, LW, I never would have thought you were anything other than what they said you were, a cousin. Bringing your third to an office party is weird, but thinking “Hm, I bet that person isn’t actually Belinda’s cousin and is in fact someone she and her husband are boning” is weirder. And I would put actual money on no one having thought about it at all.

    It sounds a bit like you’ve latched onto this idea as emblematic of your broader feelings about what was happening at that time. It might be worth doing some more reflection on that and offering your 19 year old self a bit of sympathy. It sounds like you were having a difficult time, and now you have some distance maybe there’s a bit of processing to do. Wishing you well!

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  17. jaques*

    I hope no one is bothered by this, and I only say it to ease the mind of the LW – In my experience as a queer person, a majority of cis/straight people are incredibly oblivious when it comes to queerness or queer sexuality. This is especially true when you consider this was 10 years ago. Unless this was an unusually queer workplace for 2015, I would bet you anything that few, if any, of the coworkers at this event would even know what the term “unicorn” means and that the most they’d know about this kind of thing is a very traditional understanding of swingers (they’d probably picture two couples who swap and nothing beyond that). There may have been a handful who were questioning the dynamic, but most people take things at face value. It’s a funny story about a bizarre couple, and I hope you can come to view it in that light!

    Reply ↓
      1. I should really pick a name*

        Out of necessity, at least two people in a mixed gender threesome aren’t totally straight (assuming everyone interacts with each other)

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      2. Seashell*

        I wouldn’t think someone having sex with someone of the same gender is straight, but I agree that plenty of people know about things that don’t necessarily apply to their lives. I read enough Dan Savage back in the day to learn about all kinds of things I would never want to engage in.

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      4. Helewise*

        Lots? Eh… I’m not going to do an office poll, but I’d say more like “some” or “a few.” Not an odd comment at all.

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      5. Kendrick Lamar for president*

        I’m a straight who has never heard of the term “unicorn” in this context before, but knows what threesomes are (including MFF, MFM, and MMF).

        I’m very much leaning towards:
        1. No one at the party noticed the OP’s actual relationship to their weirdo “hosts”
        (They’re only weird because of how they dragged you to their office party like a pair of Scrooges instead of actually buying you dinner, not because they wanted a threesome)
        2. Given how much FREE residence this is still taking in the OP’s head even after all this time (in this economy!?) AND the intense fear of “doing something wrong” that led to her winding up in this situation to begin with, I think the OP should consider some professional help. There’s just a lot going on here, under the surface and I don’t think it’s as hunky dory as the OP thinks it might be.
        3. WTF was with that Chernobyl ref

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    3. Anon4This*

      I think that it was a male/female couple with a “cousin” also kept folks from thinking too much about it. I find that people tend to think of straight (or at least straight-presenting) folks as being pretty vanilla as a default, unless there’s something that could possibly indicate “kinkiness”. Double points if they both work a “boring” job (accountant, lawyer, etc.(

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  18. Cupcakes are awesome*

    Unicorn would have never crossed my mind. I would have thought you were visiting for the holidays. Please put this to rest in your mind!

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  19. Caramel & Cheddar*

    As an attendee, I definitely wouldn’t have clocked this as what it was if friends and family were also permitted to attend. You were the plus one at a party where it sounds like everyone got multiple plus ones.

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      Me either – I would have taken it at face value that you were a cousin visiting from out of town, or – since you were at the local university – a cousin who they were trying to introduce to someone at the company in hopes you would get a summer job or internship.

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  20. Lemons*

    I think there’s a 0% chance you were clocked. First, as others have said, office parties are not sexy places. And second, I doubt anyone paid you much mind at all. Do YOU pay attention to people’s +1s much at office parties? No, because they’re people you’ll see once a year at most, and in your case being framed as a visiting cousin, likely never again.

    Remember, people are generally worried about themselves way too much to worry about you! Especially at a fraught thing like an office party. You’re good!

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    1. UKDancer*

      This so much. Most people aren’t interested or don’t notice. I mean if you did or said something outrageous it might be remembered. Otherwise not so much.

      I was at a leaving drinks about a fortnight ago and I have no clue who was there apart from the people I chatted to. One colleague had a new puppy and I remember the cute pictures. Otherwise I didn’t remember much.

      Most people are too busy living their own loves to notice.

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  22. lunchtime caller*

    Echoing all the comments that I’m sure the coworkers accepted the cousin story, I also just want to address this ending of the letter: “I simultaneously feel stupid for ever agreeing to it but also frustrated because nobody taught me how to navigate the college social environment without accidentally acting gross or hiding my emotions entirely.” While I’m sure these feelings are heightened by your unique experiences, just know that basically everyone has things in their college years that make them feel dumb and embarrassed to look back on, because no one teaches anyone how to navigate it. It’s a time meant for learning lessons from experience, and a bunch of teenagers slash barely 20 year olds doing awkward things in a “safe” environment where everyone else is so focused on their own feelings that they barely even notice the mistakes of their peers because they don’t know the rules either. Give your past self some grace!

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    1. Kendrick Lamar for president*

      Yeah, this is why I’m like, “umm I hope the OP’s job’s health insurance has decent mental health coverage or even just an EAP that covers a free few sessions with a shrink.” We all do stupid stuff in college that may even cause hurt feelings or affected relationships. We all occasionally look back on those moments and cringe. That’s how we grow as people. But umm, seems like maybe OP is fixating on this a bit too much??? Especially since it was the couple who were a bit out of line here??

      Reply ↓
  23. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

    You are so right to be frustrated by how little guidance there is on navigating college social life. There’s so much messaging about avoiding assault and not getting blackout drunk so often that you fail out of school, but otherwise we rely on elders to pass on the wisdom about forming relationships and networking that are, it turns out, quite important parts of the college experience. If you don’t have the right elders, you’re SOL! You’re right to be mad.

    You don’t need to be ashamed though. You did nothing to be ashamed of and even if you did, probably no one noticed and they definitely didn’t care enough to keep thinking of it after the party. It would literally never cross my mind if my colleagues showed up with a random 20 year old and said it was their cousin to think it was secretly their third. I would perhaps wonder why the 20-year-old didn’t have something better to do than come to a party the rest of us had to get paid to attend, but I’d probably put it down to free food.

    May you free yourself from shame and adapt this into the hilarious anecdote it was meant to be. And if you’re up for it, may you be the elder you needed for some other baby gay coming up in the world!

    PS – Hope you’re having much more fulfilling relationships & encounters now!

    Reply ↓
    1. CatDude*

      I really felt this lack of guidance or even the tools to navigate college social life…and like LW I often was hard on myself for my difficulties in college. For a long time I felt like I was a loser, broken, etc (and to be honest, still do sometimes…I’m a work in progress!).

      But like you said, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not LW’s fault if the adults in her life never gave her that guidance…and if you never got the guidance, the only way to learn is through experience! Those experiences can seem embarrassing when you’re looking back, but I try to re-frame them as part of the learning process.

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  24. Seashell*

    Unless this couple were the TMI people at work, known to be pathological liars, or were acting sexual towards you at the party, I doubt any of the co-workers would have given your relationship to them much thought. I’d say you have about a 0.1 % chance of that crossing anyone’s mind and an even smaller chance of any of them remembering it 10 years later. Don’t worry about it.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah, it’s certainly possible that this couple was known for being loud about their sex lives or counter-culture in other ways, but that still wouldn’t really reflect badly on OP, at least IMO.

      Reply ↓
    2. Silicon Valley Girl*

      And if they were those ppl at work, their coworkers would have been talking & thinking about how weird the couple were, not the “cousin.” The “cousin” is forgettable in this story, but the couple would be the known factor.

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  26. LadyByTheLake*

    As someone who brought a cousin to a work function (we were meeting up to go out later and it was easier for her to meet me at the work function), I expect that absolutely everyone thought that she was my cousin and that she was meeting me at the work function because that was easiest for us. Everyone was very kind to her, we had a couple of drinks, and then we went off to our cousin time. Not for one second would have anyone thought that she was anything other than my cousin.

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  27. Qwerty*

    My first thought reading the question was exchange student or some form of mentoring relationship. (since the question specified “unrelated” and was before we know you were introduced as a cousin)

    It would never occur to me to challenge the cousin introduction. At best I’d interpret it you or your parent were their family friend, because cousin is a good catch-all vague term.

    The worst I can get my brain to go is maybe judging them for bending the family rule if it was intended for spouses and kids, but that would depend on the company and how much I liked them to begin with. I doubt anyone really thought anything of it. Maybe a bit of relief that its easy to make small talk with a college student because there are so many options built in?

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  28. Wellie*

    If a couple at my office party introduced me to “their” cousin, I would be relieved to learn that you were their girlfriend instead of whatever situation resulted in two married people having a mutual cousin.

    Reply ↓
    2. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      You know what this didn’t even cross my mind. But then, I’m from Kentucky and my parents are, in fact, cousins. (By marriage and not blood, but still.)

      Reply ↓
    4. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      They might be from a culture or background where cousin marriage is more common and accepted than in yours or mine. I might be surprised if someone told me they’d married one of their cousins, but not shocked, especially if the person turned out to be a second or third cousin.

      Especially in a large family, cousins Alice and Bob could have a mutual cousin LW.

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      1. allathian*

        I’m in Finland and here it’s legal for first cousins to marry. It’s very unusual these days, but my one of my mom’s cousins has traced their family tree to the early 1500s, and in the 1600s three generations in a row married their first cousins. My mom is also a member of the first generation who will die more than 50 miles from their birthplace.

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        1. Grimalkin*

          I think as a general rule, if you dig far enough back into your family tree, you’re going to find cousins marrying. It was generally more common and accepted back then, and it makes sense when you think about it. The population was more rural back then rather than concentrated in the cities, and moving far from your hometown was rather rare. That leads to the town’s population being derived from only a few different families, and under those circumstances, well, your options are going to be limited.

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    5. LadyByTheLake*

      My spouse refers to my cousins as his cousins, his cousins are my cousins, and my cousin’s spouses are also my cousins. No intermarriage involved! I wouldn’t give it a second thought if a couple said “this is our cousin.” There isn’t really a term for “cousin in law” and cousin is a catchall term.

      Reply ↓
      1. UKDancer*

        Yes my cousins spouses all call me cousin even though we’re not blood related, it’s just a convenient way of explaining.

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      2. Anonychick*

        Yes, this!

        In my family, while we do joke about “in-law-in-law” (your spouse’s brother’s wife is your “sister-in-law-in-law” because there’s a marriage on both sides of the equation), we generally just refer to all our cousins as “cousins” regardless of whether it’s by blood or marriage (or otherwise, for that matter). So “my cousins John and Sarah” could mean that John and Sarah are siblings OR that they’re married to one another…or, technically, that they’re just any random two of the zillions of cousins I have (because we use “cousin” to mean not just first cousins, but second, third, etc, with or without there being generations removed, so “my cousins Elsie and Donald” could mean my first-cousin-once-removed and her son, my second cousin).

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  29. Zoomer reader*

    Somewhat unrelated, but holy heck, I was not expecting to be reminded of YikYak in this context! Ahhh, fond memories!

    Quick context: YikYak was an app that was *really* popular in high schools and college campuses back in 2014-2016, so it’s one of those lightning-in-a-bottle cultural phenomenons like Vine was.

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  30. Armchair analyst*

    I never ever would have thought that ten years ago. I am 45. For reference, after my brother got hetero married, my then-boyfriend asked when they (my brother and his wife) would adopt kids. I said, why would they need to adopt?

    My then-boyfriend joked / explained: “because no one we know has s3x!

    I was like… well, that’s true.

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  31. Justin*

    Yeah I would have assumed exactly what they said, “my cousin is here and we didn’t want to leave her at home bored so we brought her.”

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  32. Blarg*

    Justice for cousins! My cousin is my emergency contact and is one of my closest friends. Always annoys me that so many forms and things like bereavement policies often include aunts and uncles, but not cousins. The cousins are (often) your peers! I am much closer to a couple cousins than to my own sibling.

    Cousins are great. Should never be weird for them to be included in something that involves family and friends. Calling your third a cousin, OTOH…

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  33. Sloanicota*

    I would add OP, I think it’s a fairly normal period of development when you become a professional adult to look back on things you did in your youth and realize they were way weirder or more unprofessional than you might have thought. I did a lot of cringe stuff in my late teens and twenties, but I also give myself a pass because, I mean, I didn’t know any better. The process of learning is often cringe and full of errors. If you’re truly torturing yourself, this can be indicative of health issues, but as long as it’s just “wow, that was way weirder than I realized” – we all have those stories.

    Reply ↓
    2. MsM*

      Yes, just think: you could be the person who got way too drunk at the party or sent around the “I will confront you by Wednesday of next week” message. I guarantee no one else even remembered any specifics about the polite, quiet guest from nearly a decade ago more than a couple of months after the party, whoever she might have been.

      Reply ↓
      1. Aerin*

        I’m pretty sure the drunk girl whose date sullenly played piano at her is the only +1 anyone has ever remembered at any work party anywhere.

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  34. Boi*

    “Despite being at an LGBT-friendly university, I had no sex life and didn’t know how to approach women without coming across as some sort of creep. Every LGBT-related extracurricular I was in was centered on networking, political activism, or community, so I never felt comfortable broaching any romantic or sexual topics with fellow queer women, and I was also scared of accidentally hitting on straight women. HER and Lex didn’t exist then, and I was too scared to attach my face to an app like Tinder.”

    If it makes you feel better, LW, this is actually more common than you think among queer youth.

    I don’t know anything about you, but this happens a lot with teens who grew up in an environment where they couldn’t openly experiment with flirting or dating in high school and/or didn’t have a non-judgemental trustworthy adult to talk to about sex and relationships (as is unfortunately common with both queer teens and teen girls/AFABs in general). Bonus points if you were bullied or ostracized by your peers in high school. Bonus points if you’re neurodivergent.

    So then you get thrown into the sudden freedom of college but have zero idea on how to deal with it. Everyone is telling you the basics about consent and throwing free prophylactics in your direction, and yet you don’t know how to transition any conversation from casual/platonic territory to romantic/sexual territory without ending up on some sort of list.

    The sentence you mentioned about going on a threesome with a random couple in their thirties (!!) would be your only chance at a fulfilling gay encounter (!!!) is really what stood out to me, because I know that feeling well. I would recommend talking to a therapist, but something that I hope you gained from that experience is that you should never settle for less than what you want. (Not saying you did something wrong, because you didn’t! And if you enjoy these kinds of encounters, go for it! It just wasn’t the vibe that Nineteen-year-old You doesn’t seem to be giving.)

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  35. Kate*

    I unexpectedly got to go on an unusually sweet work trip that included a hotel room in a big city, tickets to a big sporting event and minimal work, i.e. sanctioned time to explore said city. My brother lives a short drive away and was going through a tough time so I invited him along, which meant we ended up sharing a hotel room. No big deal on our end, but it did briefly cross my mind to wonder if any of my colleagues would suspect me of lining up an affair in the big city. All of which to say–sympathy for the LW’s ruminating on the situation, but I agree with the overwhelming consensus that no one was likely clocking this! If I met the cousin of a couple at a work party I would think nothing but pity for being dragged to a boring function.

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  37. Rectilinear Propagation*

    I think the only ulterior/hidden motive I’d suspect from a married couple bringing someone else with them to an office party is that it might be a networking opportunity for their guest. A guest just existing doesn’t imply anything sexual or romantic.

    There’s no reason for anyone to think that couple was lying without other information. And even if their co-workers did have a reason to be suspicious, at worst you’d go from “bored cousin dragged to an office party” to “bored date dragged to an office party”.

    Also, they introduced you as a relative, not just a friend, so I doubt this was something they told anyone at work about before or after it happened.

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  38. Lark*

    Do you struggle with anxiety/rumination? I ask because I do, and this is precisely the sort of non-issue (although I haven’t been in this exact situation) that I would ruminate about and feel bad. I can tell you that no one was thinking “clearly this is this couple’s young unicorn that they are bringing to the office party”.

    For me, when I start to ruminate about long-past events, I have some mental mantras about how no one thinks about random things from ten years ago and how I give myself permission not to worry about things that happened when I was much younger and a totally different person. I find that if I repeat these, over time they get more effective and work faster.

    Also, people do sometimes introduce relatively random people at work events – as long as there’s some plausibility involved, I have never once wondered “what is the REAL reason this person is here”. I’d just assume that their cousin was visiting and the timing meant that they came along to the office party. Like, I’ve definitely met the occasional friend or sibling at work events and not thought twice about it.

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    1. Anxious Rumination*

      I agree with you completely, my fellow anxious and ruminating friend, and if I were able I would move this comment closer to the top.

      At this point, I’ve forgotten more parties and details of parties than I remember. LW did mention somewhere about autism.

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    2. CatDude*

      Really appreciate this take. I’ve had similar feelings of embarrassment and shame over past events that objectively were no big deal, but still could send me into a spiral of negative emotions. It’s something I’ve had to actively work on, and it can still be a struggle, but it’s something you can learn tools to deal with.

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    3. RVA Cat*

      All of this, plus softcore nepotism is way more normal and expected in a business setting than the details of anyone’s sex life.

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  39. Andromeda*

    I am poly and have one male, one female partner, both older than me (so I sometimes come across as a unicorn also.) I would *never* have guessed in a situation like that, so find it hard to imagine the office people might.

    And on the off chance I did suspect that you weren’t really a cousin, my first thought would be “early stages of committed poly relationship” rather than “unicorn”.

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  40. Vipsania Agrippina*

    It is very probable that the people in the party don’t even remember you. I mean it in a neutral way: they will have believed it that you where the cousin of their coworkers, which is nothing special to remember.

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  41. Sunflower*

    I wouldn’t worry about it. Unless you were all over each other, or even subtle signs like kissing on the cheek or holding hands, I can make surefire bets that people just thought you were the cousin.

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    1. Sunflower*

      Adding that everybody probably forgot about you by the end of the week if not sooner. You were just one person in a blur of relatives. We need to remember that people don’t really care about or remember a stranger they met once.

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  42. Hamilton’s Square*

    upon which, it jarringly dawned onto me that all of the couple’s coworkers likely clocked me as their unicorn with me none the wiser

    Oh god no. Most people don’t know what a unicorn is outside the context of “mythical magic horse that has a horn on its head.”

    YOU, the OP are making a way bigger deal about it in your head because of your autism and I say that because I’m also autistic, also went through a similar journey of discovery in college, and also look back at the journey of awkwardness all “oh my god everyone must have immediately clocked how WEIRD I was!!!!”

    Babe they didn’t. They never were. We are all the main characters in our own stories, not other people’s.

    The real question is: what married couple invites their hook-up to an office party ahead of a single casual sexual encounter?

    YES THIS SERIOUSLY WTF. If anyone should be cringing about this 10 years later, it needs to be that couple because WTF. How is that foreplay? I know we’re not supposed to kink-shame but if your idea of foreplay is “hey let’s hit up our company’s annual holiday party and talk to Bob from accounting before we do our 3-way” then uhhhh I’m kink-shaming you, the couple, a little. Because that sounds really boring and a little weird.

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    1. RVA Cat*

      All of this. The only way people would know is if this couple was swinging *with co-workers* which is a whole dissertation of NOPE.

      Reply ↓
  43. Pinche Coca*

    Cut yourself some slack LW! No-one would have thought it was weird and even if they did….their mind would never put together a story even close to the truth. We all flew a little closer to the wind than we would have liked in our younger days and although there might be plenty of internal facepalm moments I can promise you no-one batted an eyelid at your presence at the party. Let yourself off the hook.

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  44. Beepboop*

    You did nothing wrong but that was very weird on the couple’s part. I think coworkers would probably only clock it if that couple was known for being taboo at the office. Hope you’re living a happier, more fulfilling life now!

    Reply ↓
  45. Irish Teacher.*

    Honestly, I don’t think it’s likely anybody jumped to threesome. Most people probably weren’t paying much attention anyway. I mean, they probably weren’t giving much thought to who you were.

    We are all the central characters of our own stories. To you that party is the one you attended as their unicorn. To everybody else, you were just one of a number of guests and they probably didn’t think about you at all.

    Reply ↓
  46. Anon for Unicorn Reasons*

    I have a TON of experience with poly and sex parties and all sorts of kinky stuff and most of my friend group is similar and it is not unusual for us to plan to hang at a fetish party just to chat. I also work in a Very Corporate Job. I tell you this to say, despite being VERY familiar with throuples and more, if a random married couple at my office brought along their (much younger!) cousin to an office party, I would never IN A MILLION BILLION YEARS presume that was their sex partner. ESPECIALLY since you were so young. I absolutely would thing they were a little overprotective and didn’t think 19yo you could be left alone or possibly that they didn’t want you to feel stuck home alone but in zero way EVER would I have jumped to “must be a unicorn situation!” unless you were like…making out at the party. Since you did not mention any massive PDA happening at the office party, I am fairly confident that was not the case! So please please rest assured no one jumped to the Unicorn conclusion. I would bet my entire paycheck on this.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lazuli*

      The worst thing I maybe wouls have thought of was that they didn’t trust a 19 year old at home alone with their fancy unattended booze lol. And then would have forgotten the whole thing immediately for the rest of my life

      Reply ↓
  47. Ms. Whatsit*

    I sometimes remember things from the past and cringe—gosh how could I have made such a dumb mistake! Everyone must remember the time I messed that thing up! You know what? They probably don’t, or if they do, they don’t give it much attention or dwell on how foolish/careless/weird/etc. I was. As an adult I have come to realize that things that loom large for the person involved often don’t for others, even when there’s a relationship there (not just a passing acquaintance). It’s not unkind or thoughtless; it’s just the reality of being human beings with limitations and our own stuff going on. I can be sitting there thinking how badly everyone must have thought of me, and they are spending zero energy or time on it or me. So I try to remind myself of that when those years-later cringe moments come, and I think it has helped me to dwell on them less and move on to something else. Who knows, maybe someday I won’t even feel embarrassed about the one that haunts me most!

    I would never in a million years have guessed why you were actually at the party, and if anyone did have an inkling, they’ve probably entirely forgotten it now.

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  48. Jester*

    There were extra tickets for an event my old company was attending and my coworker brought her college-aged sister because what college-aged person doesn’t like free food? It wasn’t thought to be any more complicated than that. It wouldn’t let it bother you any longer, LW!

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  49. CubeFarmer*

    1. I’m sure people did wonder, and if they figure it out, that would reflect badly on the couple–not you.

    2. Nobody remembers who you were! We had an intern (so someone who was working with us for several months) at my old job 20+ years ago who had a drunken hookup with someone in a different department. I remember witnessing the hook up at a work party, but I couldn’t for the life of me tell you that woman’s name. I don’t even remember what she looked like. Also, it doesn’t matter because it was literally a lifetime ago.

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  50. ecnaseener*

    Unless the couple was already known for this particular brand of weirdness, I agree no one would’ve given it any serious consideration. Look at all the levels of weirdness here:

    – bringing a casual hookup to the office party

    – bringing a *teenage* casual hookup to the office party

    – bringing more than one partner to the office party, even if it was a serious relationship (not that this *should* be seen as weird, but it still is, enough that it’s a very fraught issue for polyamorous people now, let alone 10 years ago)

    The bar is SO HIGH for genuinely believing anyone did all three of these at once, if it popped into anyone’s mind they almost certainly dismissed it.

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  51. Morning Reader*

    I agree that it is extremely unlikely that anyone thought anything about LW going to the party. My question is about the frustration “because nobody taught me how to navigate the college social environment without accidentally acting gross or hiding my emotions entirely.”

    Is that anything that is taught at colleges anywhere? My recollection of college life (some years back now) is that the whole experience was designed to teach that, or at least give life experience doing. Thrown in with unfamiliar roommates, people from different backgrounds, many other people who are as smart or even smarter than you (previously rarely encountered as the smartest kid in your small town), constant exposure to new ideas, new people, new foods, sometimes new languages, it can be overwhelming, I don’t know if there is any curriculum or design (other than campus counseling, maybe) that helps young people learn these things. Maybe there should be. A campus Out center or something?

    Reply ↓
    1. Andromeda*

      LW’s autistic — it’s not always as easy as just picking things up over time/being thrown in at the deep end when you’re not neurotypical.

      Reply ↓
      1. CatDude*

        Agreed. I’m not autistic but am neuro-divergent, and I have often felt frustrated that others seem able to pick these things up when I can’t…and just like LW, wished someone had taught me how to navigate it.

        Reply ↓
        1. Arrietty*

          Even in spaces where there is a lot of explicit, clear explaining of how to do social things, dating and seduction are basically never included. I’ve never seen a social story about how to flirt, or what happens at a speed dating event, for example. There is sometimes information about healthy relationships and safe sex, but the space between “this is how to make small talk” and “this is how to discuss consent” is gapingly empty. I think it’s part of the infantilisation by society in general of disabled people.

          Reply ↓
          1. PowPowPow*

            Could you please say more about why the lack of instruction around how to flirt is indicative of the “infantilization by society in general of disabled people”? I would think that it would be the other way around – that excess instruction in this sort of thing could be seen as infantilizing. Lack of instruction and figuring it out yourself is just what it means to be human.

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  52. The Kulprit*

    Queer lady who has also been pursued by unicorn hunters — yes, I’d have strongly suspected. I wouldn’t have been sure, because even stranger than bringing your little cousin to a work function, is bringing your unicorn. Who does that? You’ve done nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of OP. I also completely relate to everything you said about not knowing how to approach other women of the same persuasion and not feel like a total creep.

    I hope your relationships are as fulfilling and plentiful as you wish them to be.

    Reply ↓
  53. Delta Delta*

    Another aspect – if OP were to run into any of the party people again a) it’s unlikely any of you would remember this and b) if they said, ‘oh yeah, weren’t you so and so’s cousin? you can just say yes and change the subject. And that would be the end of it pretty easily. Pretty sure nobody made the mental leap about the relationship, and even if they did, it seems unlikely they’d say, wait, you’re not really Cindy’s cousin! (and even if they did, you could say ‘what? that’s weird’ and walk away)

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  54. HonorBox*

    OP, I think you needn’t worry about this now, or ever again. Unless there is something this couple was already doing or known for in the office, it is much more likely that people really thought you were a cousin. I tend to run a little cynical, but if you had been introduced as a cousin, I would have believed it without question. And as the cynical guy, had I known more information about this couple, I’d have had sympathy for you. Because as noted, dragging a unicorn to a work party seems like a way to really deescalate any amorous feelings. All in all, it is probably likely that the vast majority of people really thought you were indeed a cousin.

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  55. Jules the 3rd*

    I know a lot of people in polyamorous relationships, and I probably would have not figured it out unless there was some other clue like holding hands or lingering physical contact.

    I am sorry they brought you on what sounds like a kink non-consensually, that was uncool of them, but you are totally fine, no one else noticed.

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  56. Antigone*

    I’ve *been* the unicorn and I still would never in a million years think that’s what was going on in the situation you describe unless I already knew they were polyamorous *and also had a steady third*. In that case if I thought anything at all it would be “oh, nice to meet their partner, it’s too bad that people are weird enough about polyam families that they have to have a cover story. Even in that case it wouldn’t reflect on you badly at all.

    In any other situation I’d just take it at face value that you were a bored cousin.

    I do think it’s likely they were getting some sexy thrills out of having a little secret, and that if so it was crappy of them not to make sure you were clued into, and consenting to and happy about, that. But again, their failing to do that isn’t a reflection on you.

    You did nothing wrong and if you can convince your brain to let this one go, I think you don’t ever need to worry about it again.

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  57. Rebpar*

    The LW should know that if a couple introduced me to their cousin at a work party that included friends/family, I would not think twice or think about it ever again. You are good!

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  58. Skytext*

    I am heading toward my sixtieth birthday, and I was today-years-old when I learned the term “unicorn” in this context. I actually had to click the highlighted link to the Wikipedia page (thank you Alison). So I assure you—NOBODY at that party thought anything other than you were coworker’s cousin who tagged along for whatever dull reason.

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  59. Elbe*

    I really want to believe Alison’s take, but I honestly think that it depends. I worked at companies that were very male-dominated, boundaries were scarce, personal lives were regularly discussed, and parties tended to be kind of sloppy affairs. If someone showed up to one of these with a “cousin,” most people probably would have suspected what was going on. I also think that it’s possible that, even if it was a more traditional environment and the whole company wasn’t aware, there was someone there who knew and they were showing her off to that person.

    Either way, the LW should know that none of this reflects poorly on her. It is 100% on this couple for not explaining the situation to her and allowing her to choose what she was comfortable with. Even if they were just getting a personal bang out of mixing personal with business, it’s still a bit shady and I don’t blame the LW for having negative feelings about it now that she has more perspective.

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  60. 1-800-BrownCow*

    I wouldn’t have thought you were a “unicorn” either, especially being college-aged. Like others, I would have assumed you were staying with the couple and that they either wanted to keep an eye on you or didn’t want to leave you home alone and bored.

    Something I remind myself when I start overthinking past embarrassments or worrying about what others think: Everyone lives in their own little world where they are the center of their universe. What feels huge to us is often insignificant to others. You don’t even remember that couple’s names, and they likely don’t remember you. The people at that party knew you for maybe two or three hours of their lives—out of the 8,760 hours in a year. In the grand scheme of things, you probably didn’t even register in their long-term memories.

    I understand how you feel—I’ve beaten myself up over past mistakes too. But I try to focus on what I’ve learned from them. No one goes through life without making mistakes; they’re how we grow (at least, when we learn from them—some people never do). I get the frustration of feeling unprepared for college social dynamics, but some things can only be learned through experience. I’m glad you’re in a better place now. Try not to dwell on this—you can’t change the past, but you *have* learned from it, and that’s what matters.

    Reply ↓
  61. Hiring Mgr*

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about – this has to be the least interesting threesome ever. What happened after the company office party – did you stop by an Excel workshop?

    No need to dwell on this at all!

    Reply ↓
  62. Sanny*

    I actually DID bring my cousin (my first cousin’s recent college grad daughter) to an office party because she was living with us while she job hunted in our city. My goal was to introduce her to as many people as possible in the work environment to help her network and find a job. AND IT WORKED!

    I wouldn’t worry about this for one more second!

    Reply ↓
  63. JMR*

    I live in literal San Francisco, where this sort of arrangement is more common than I suspect it is in most of the rest of the US, and if a couple showed up with a third person and introduced that person as their cousin, I would think that third person was their cousin. I never jump to the conclusion that this person was their unicorn, or that there was some sort of sexual relationship between them and the couple. I would jsut assume LW was staying with the couple, and they brought them along rather than leave them home, and if I thought about it at all, it would be to say to myself “Man, sucks that LW had to get dragged along to her cousin’s boring work party.” I promise you, that’s all anybody thought at the time, and no one is thinking about it a decade later!

    Reply ↓
  65. kiki*

    I don’t anyone at the party would have suspected unless the couple was being demonstrably romantic with you in any way or they have a history of bringing “cousins” to work events. And LW won’t ever really know if those are the case so it’s not worth worrying about! Even if anyone did suspect it, they’ve long forgotten any of LW’s identifiable details.

    That being said, this was terrible judgment on behalf of the couple and I think LW is completely within the right to feel violated by it now. I know LW was technically an adult and agreed to it, but 19-year-olds don’t know office norms and I’m guessing the couple knew that when they invited LW. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I felt like I was very forgiving and willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but now that I am in my 30s I am like, “Wow, no, these 30-somethings definitely did/do know better and are just being terrible to young people.”

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  67. CatDude*

    I would guess no one thought twice about it. Even if they had suspicions – which I doubt – they probably forgot about it almost instantly. In general, I think people think about our business a lot less than we think they do. We notice our own cringey moments when others probably didn’t even *notice*.

    Still, I get where LW’s feelings are coming from. Looking back at myself when I was younger, I had often felt ashamed or embarrassed by something I did. I had to work on having self-compassion, and it also helped me to remember – no one probably noticed, and if they did, they probably didn’t think about it for long. We are way, way harder on ourselves than others.

    Reply ↓
  68. HannahS*

    I would find it mildly odd if my colleagues-who-were-a-couple brought their young-adult cousin to an office party, but I would either assume that:

    A) They mis-read the the room and thought it would be a casual, fun party where other people brought guests
    or
    B) There is a sad reason why the young adult cannot be left home alone for an evening (safety risks, drug abuse, etc.)

    Either way I would take it on face value that they were a relative, and I would never think about it again.

    Reply ↓
    1. Irish Teacher.*

      Yes, this may be partly being Irish (where…well, perhaps we might protect young adults a bit more than a lot of other countries), but if I thought about it at all, my assumption would likely be that they had a young person staying with them and didn’t want to leave her home alone, either because they still thought of her as a kid (heck, I was 26 and my grandmother told me not to go to a particular shop because I’d have to cross the road by myself!) or because they felt her parents would expect them to be responsible for her.

      Honestly, not wanting to leave a young person alone in a strange house is rather more likely an explanation than inviting a random hook-up to an office party, even if the first is a bit odd too.

      Reply ↓
    2. Resentful Oreos*

      Some people were discussing upthread about a young person being dragged to the office party as a misguided attempt to get them to network, or an also misguided attempt to show them what the real working world was like.

      That or maaaaybe Cousin was not that familiar with what office parties were like and maybe thought it was more cool, adult and fun than most office parties really are.

      I admit my first thought would have been more or less “Cousin wants free food and drinks!” Maybe that just shows that I ran with a bad, or rather mooching, crowd in my younger days I suppose!

      Reply ↓
  69. Yes And*

    Okay, but I’m involved an a Facebook group that refers to nonprofit staffers as unicorns, after Vu Le’s maxim, “When you don’t disclose salary range on a job posting, a unicorn loses its wings.” (Link to follow in comment.) This has me reading this post in some ways even weirder than OP intended.

    Reply ↓
  70. ACK ACK*

    I’ve gone to my aunt’s after work events with her colleagues simply because they were held near my office (and one of her colleagues advised me to lie on my resume for better job opportunities, which I told her, and she thought explained a lot about that person’s work quality). And I’ve invited her & my uncle to join me at my work events (a celebratory one with a concert, not a boring one). So it definitely can happen for legit reasons. Now that I’m an aunt, I would likely have invited my niblings to work events if there’s been any opportunities because (1) college aged young people should be invited to all the free food events (2) expose them to and demystify different adult (but not “adult”) settings and roles (3) networking. But mainly the free food. So, OP, no need to cringe. Not at all suspicious to bring a young adult family member if the event allows more than a plus one.

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  71. iglwif*

    LW, you and I have the same kind of overthinking brain, and in your shoes I suspect I would be having the same thought spiral! BUT from the outside I really do not think you need to worry.

    Is it a little odd to bring a younger cousin to an office party? Sure. But I can think of quite a few explanations more likely than “she must be their unicorn”, such as

    – Cousin is staying with them and they decided to bring her along rather than leave her home alone during her visit
    – Cousin’s parent is concerned she’s not taking her studies seriously enough and enlisted the couple in helping her learn to network
    – Couple genuinely thought the party would be fun for their cousin, because they are very extroverted and a bit odd
    – Cousin is interested in this field / career trajectory, so they brought her along so she can talk to others in this field besides them

    To be clear, Alison is 100% correct that this was a deeply weird thing for them to do, and they were old enough to know that, but you were not! So I hope Alison’s answer helps you stop worrying <3

    Reply ↓
  72. boof*

    I could see it that maybe they thought they were trying to make you comfortable / normalize their interactions with you in some way “oh hey, office party, let’s invite our new friend why not”, but honestly, I’m in team “wtf were they thinking?” too.

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  73. Shannonigans*

    LW, I wouldn’t sweat this. People likely thought you wanted to learn more about the company/were considering an internship or were an actual cousin in town visiting and tagging along and were more focused on their own party experience.

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  74. Delta*

    I’m glad for Allison’s response and the comment section on this one! I’m 30 and have a college-age cousin that I’m really close to. I haven’t brought him to an office party, but we go other places together, and reading the OP I was worried that “cousin” was or some sex code word that I didn’t know about!

    If I were at an office party and a couple brought their cousin, I also wouldn’t think anything of it. I’d probably be excited to talk to the cousin about her major or whatever since that sounds more exciting than office small talk lol

    Reply ↓
  75. Honey*

    I think people are wrapped up in their own lives and aren’t really concerned about a guest that someone brings to an office party. Just my take.

    Reply ↓
  76. tiny potato*

    Never underestimate how oblivious straight/cis/monogamous people can be about the possibility of a person or situation being queer/trans/non-monogamous. I have had people assume things that were *way* more convoluted than the real explanation simply because the real explanation involved queerness/transness/non-monogamy, let alone an assumption as sensible as thinking that someone introduced as a cousin is the person’s cousin.

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  77. Jacqueline*

    When I was 18 in my freshman year of college, I stayed with my cousin and her husband for a week. During that week, I went to two different work events for her husband. So it’s definitely a thing that happens.

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  78. fhqwhgads*

    OP, absolutely no one would’ve clocked you unless that couple did something to make it obvious. The bringing you and saying you were a cousin does not count as “obvious”. It’s the opposite. And even if someone had clocked you – again due to them not you – the thought would probably not be judging you, but judging them. Heck, even believing the cover story, most people were probably thinking “ah they dragged the college student here, she’s being a good sport about it”.

    Reply ↓
  79. IAmACousin*

    A family member of mine (slightly more removed, but effectively a cousin) was in town for work for a year, and only a year, and I was their “date” to everything. You would not assume we are related (we look nothing alike, we’re related through marriage).

    So uh, this is a thing that actually happens, too!

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  80. Susannah*

    LW, if I had been a colleague at the party, and a couple brought you and introduced you as their cousin, honestly, I would think, “how nice! This lovely college student is just getting acclimated to school/visiting family/whatever, and this couple is nice enough to bring her along so she has a night out!”

    I guarantee that’s what almost everyone, if not everyone, thought.

    Reply ↓
  81. Gudrid The Well-Traveled*

    OP, people are generally oblivious and self absorbed. We’ll believe what we’re told unless it’s wildly out of context, and even then we’re not likely to ask question. Inviting your cousin to an office party is a little odd, but you were new in town. And they were worried you were just sitting at home with nothing to do. (I’m making things up now) And you were a lovely guest with good manners and easy to talk to. (Assuredly true) And such a good sport going to someone else’s work party. (Also true) Families can be weird. (So true!) This is a plausible story and since no one was behaving oddly within the event context, then you’re the cousin. No question.

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  82. Head Sheep Counter*

    I hope this comment section gives you some respite and I for one appreciate what must have been a very strange unsexy date. On my list of sexy edgy things… someone else’s office party is… checks list… nowhere on it. I think its fantastic that you were a lovely guest. I’m 100% certain you did better than some of the actual colleagues or spouses.

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  83. Head Sheep Counter*

    As an aside… I am now a weee bit anxious (amused?) that my friends thought my husband and I were more interesting than we were when I brought my much younger than I cousin to a holiday get together of someone who actually was a sex-columnist in a prior life.

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  85. Annony*

    If they thought anything at all, it was probably “Someone should tell Bob and Sue that when we said you could bring family we meant your spouse and kids.”

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  86. Numbat*

    If you were introduced to me as a “cousin” and I doubted that you were in fact a cousin, my next thought would be “distant relative that is really awkward to explain” (like “my mum’s half sister’s niece by marriage who I met once when I was 8 and am reconnecting with now”) so “cousin” is just shorthand.

    Not “probably actually their sex partner”.

    For what it’s worth.

    Reply ↓
  87. Mermaid hut*

    Okay the more I think about it, the more I’m wondering why this letter was published. It feels like we’re just getting free entertainment out of someone’s real cry for help (that they may not even be aware of). And its connection to a work question is tenuous at best.

    Also, given how much the OP can’t move past this, after all this time: she still knows the couple’s names. Come on now.

    Reply ↓

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