how can I stop being frustrated with a coworker who’s making my job harder?

by Alison Green on February 26, 2025

A reader writes:

I just got feedback from my manager that I need to work on communication with a coworker. I think it’s mainly about tone not content, and I agree with the feedback — I have admittedly been pretty short. I’m irritated and it’s coming across. Where I’m getting stuck, though, is that it’s coming from a place of frustration and I’m not sure how to solve it without doing something about the underlying frustration.

Let me give more context. My coworker Petunia and I are a two-person team. For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we do llama support; she is more junior and provides, say, llama food, and I am more senior and provide llama training and enrichment and also work as a team lead. We have separate managers. We both receive a potentially large bonus based on how much the llama farms we work with use our services.

The challenge is that Petunia keeps dropping balls. She’ll, say, forget to order food for a set of llamas. We have a lot of clients and we all miss things sometimes, so I’ve tried to be understanding, but it happens pretty frequently with Petunia. The last time she took a week-long vacation, I reminded her on the day before she left that a farm’s order was overdue and to make sure it got ordered before she left — and she still forgot it. On at least two occasions when I have trusted her to own a large complicated project, she messed up in a massive way that caused the owner of the farm to get involved, and since I’m the team lead, my manager held me responsible for messing up the partnership. Please trust me that it’s nothing fireable, but it’s a lot of missed due dates, leaving early, and occasional big errors.

Petunia knows she is dropping balls and keeps promising that she’s going to buckle down, does so for a week, and then goes back to normal. I have tried looping in her manager, Sam, but every time I do that, Petunia has expressed displeasure with me for not going to her first. But some of the things I go to Sam about, I just don’t feel like I have the standing to complain to Petunia directly about. It’s not my place to dictate her work hours, for example, and I guess I could respond when she says she’s too busy with Llama A to do Llama B in a timely manner by suggesting she work until 5 like all the other llama food specialists, but I can’t figure out how to say that without sounding passive-aggressive.

It’s compounded by the fact that Petunia has some objectively difficult things going on in her personal life; initially, I gave her a lot of leeway and was willing to take on extra work, but it’s now been going on for nine months, and my patience is clearly getting low. I agree with my manager that this kind of frustration isn’t productive at work, and I want to communicate better, but I’m having trouble with how to be empathetic when I get looped into an urgent food ordering issue that Petunia has left behind but gave me no context on before leaving for a long weekend.

I feel like I can’t just drop the rope because I make thousands of dollars based on how much these farms want to work with us.

I generally respect Petunia’s manager and it’s possible that he is working with her on performance issues. But — as is fair — he’s not giving me status updates. So I feel like I’m out here on my own, trying to do my own job and half of Petunia’s job while overseeing the other half, but also managing Petunia’s emotions so she doesn’t feel micromanaged because she’s complained about that, and now I have to do it all while smiling. Please help me come up with a plan. I don’t want to be a jerk.

Go back to your manager and say this: “I thought a lot about your feedback, and you’re right: my tone with Petunia has been short. I’ve been sounding irritated when talking to her, and that’s not okay. In thinking about how to fix this, I’ve realized I need to address my growing frustration with not being able to get what I depend on her for. It’s never okay to be short with a colleague and I am committed to fixing that, but I also want to talk to you about the issues I’ve been encountering and see if we can resolve them.”

And then lay out what you laid out here: Petunia keeps dropping important balls, she regularly makes commitments that she doesn’t meet, and you can’t rely on her to do her job without extensive oversight and involvement from you. When you’ve talked with her about it previously, she gets better for a week, then goes right back to messing up. At this point you’re having to do your own job plus half of hers, plus making sure she doesn’t feel micromanaged even though there’s no way around that.

Say that you’ve tried looping in Sam, but Petunia gets upset when you do.

And then ask for your manager’s help on what to do next. You don’t have the authority to solve the problem yourself, so you need to escalate it to someone who does.

If your manager doesn’t help, have this conversation with Sam instead. If Petunia objects to that, that’s okay! You can tell her, “Sam needs be part of this, because you and I have talked about it previously and the same issues are still coming up. Since you and I haven’t been able to resolve it on our own — and there may be context I’m not aware of since I’m not your boss — I’d like him to be involved.” Don’t let her guilt you into not talking to Sam about what’s going on; it’s perfectly appropriate for you to loop him in and ask for his help.

And then going forward, if problems with Petunia continue, keep raising with them with Sam and with your own manager every time. Right now it’s become your problem to handle — even though you don’t actually have the tools or authority you need to be the one handling it, which is where your frustration is coming from — and you need to push it back on the people whose job it is, every time.

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{ 111 comments }

{ 111 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Dust Bunny*

    You need more manager involvement.

    I appreciate that you’re trying to stay off her back through a hard phase and you don’t want to be a jerk, but she either needs to be better managed by someone who has the authority/responsibility to do it, or there needs to be another form of compensation for her ineptitude (such as looping in a third person to take on the work she’s not getting done). You’re in that impossible place where you’re responsible for the output but don’t have the authority to do what needs to be done to achieve it. It sounds like maybe your respective managers don’t fully realize how bad it is? Make sure they do and that it’s her manager’s, mostly, problem to do something about it.

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    1. Antilles*

      I agree. And make sure to be clear about the extent of the problem. It reads like OP may have brought up the issues intermittently or piecemeal, out of deference to Petunia’s personal situation. So from the other end, the manager may just think these are one-off occasional issues, not recognizing the full scope of the nine straight months of issues.

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    3. Nicosloanicota*

      A couple solutions off the top of my head – OP takes on the stuff that affects the farm experience and asks to shift Petunia to less important stuff – OP asks for their own assistant that they directly oversee with hiring/firing capability – OP requests that she and Petunia both report to whichever manager cares most about this aspect of the business.

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    4. Jellyfish Catcher*

      Do all the above.
      Also, document with a page of 4 columns.
      DATE
      WHAT: Order, what Co.
      INFO: (Forgot X due today, reminded this am. Not done, due 3 days ago.
      RESULT: complaint from Y company; loss of client; overnight charges, etc.

      Hopefully you won’t have to do this, or not for long.
      Good record keeping gives a pattern for your managers and also none of us can remember all the events.

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      1. Crencestre*

        This x 1,000 (at least!) Document every instance of Petunia dropping the ball – and the more specifics you note down, the better. Do you have emails backing up your version of the story? Save those, too – and print them out. (Yes, that may sound very retro, but things CAN vanish in cyberspace and having hard copies of documentation can’t go wrong.)

        This problem goes beyond Petunia. She’s endangering the company’s good name with your clients AND is letting YOU in for catching hell from an exasperated manager who’s holding YOU responsible for what Petunia does. By all means take it up with Petunia herself, but make sure you have a solid paper trail to back up what you’re going to have to tell your manager when (not “if”!) Petunia drops the ball again.

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    5. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Exactly this. You’ve been trying to solve this problem mostly informally – which is a good place to start and a kind thing to do – but have been unsuccessful, largely because you have no authority to do anything other than appeal to Petunia’s better nature. It’s time to make it the relevant managers’ problem.

      I suspect Dust Bunny’s read is correct and the managers don’t know how big a problem this has been and how much effort you’ve put into making things better. It’s time for them to get the full picture of what’s been going on and come up with a plan to get things running smoothly.

      It may also be worth having a conversation with your manager to clarify what being a team lead means. Do you get to assign tasks? Are you expected to set deadlines and scope for projects? Do you evaluate other people’s work? Or are you more of an extra resource for people to come to when they hit roadblocks? Is it your job to monitor other people’s progress and what does your manager want you to do if they’re behind schedule?

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  2. Kevin Sours*

    I know that OP didn’t ask and probably can’t do anything about it but that’s a seriously messed up team structure. It’s a two person “team” with literally nobody in charge of it. OP is being held responsible for the team’s performance with no actual authority to do anything about it. Most likely because OP is the only one their manager *can* hold responsible for it.

    I don’t see the problems getting fixed until there is *somebody* actually managing the situation.

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    1. Bird Law*

      I’m so glad you said this, because wtaf is this, of course Petunia has no oversight and impunity to slack off. And OP has no power to do anything about it!

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    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I viewed this as LW and Petunia working in separate departments, which naturally have different managers. It’s not unusual to have one department’s outputs be another department’s inputs. I don’t see anything structurally wrong here.

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      1. MsM*

        But it’s a problem that OP’s manager is holding OP accountable for a problem that Petunia caused when Petunia’s not facing any repercussions for that as far as OP can see, and OP isn’t being given any tools to prevent it from happening again.

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        1. Kevin Sours*

          It’s a problem that farm owner satisfaction is such a key indicator that compensation is tied to it when there is literally nobody with the authority to make sure it happens.

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          1. Starbuck*

            Yes, this would enrage me as a worker! My nous depends on someone else not being incompetent, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it if they are? Short of just doing their entire job for them I guess. Terrible system.

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      2. Kevin Sours*

        That’s not really the vibe I’m getting because I wouldn’t really refer to that as a team. If this is a team, who is in charge of it?

        Ultimately, though, even if it is two departments there *is* something structurally wrong here. Because responsibility for a key deliverable — farm owner services — is nebulously split between two departments in ways that are causing things to fall between the cracks. Either there needs to be a delineation of responsibility between the departments so it clear who is responsible for problems and fixing them or there needs to an actual team with actual leadership responsible for the deliverable.

        Right now there is a mismatch between responsibility and authority and that is a structural problem regardless of the cause.

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      3. Llama Llama*

        I work in Payroll accounting in a very large company and my management goes up through accounting. The people who process payrolls management goes through the Payroll management.

        So when payroll drops the ball and double pays an employee or doesn’t invoice a payroll run or doesn’t add something to reporting, accounting is left holding the bag even though we didn’t do it and were just the ones to identify the problem. My managers are supporting and push back to the other managers but we are still the ones scrambling to correct the accounting.

        It makes sense that accounting is different in most instances but gets a little problematic when one team slacks.

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    4. Sparkles McFadden*

      I had to read through it a couple of times because being a two-person team means, to me, that the two people have the same manager. If this really is the case, then, yes, that is a huge part of the problem.

      The LW needs to write a list of bullet point facts regarding all of the dropped balls and the managers need to figure this out. LW, if you’re reading this, realize you have a coworker who doesn’t do the work and two managers who don’t want to manage so your only hope is to keep giving both managers the facts every time Petunia drops another ball.

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      1. Nicosloanicota*

        Ideally OP could also give Petunia a heads-up that her attitude about this has changed and she will have to go directly to the manager in future. It sounds like OP has been covering/more understanding in the past and Petunia should ideally know in advance what the next step is.

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        1. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

          I can’t imagine having the cajones to complain about the tone of a coworker who I got in trouble with my failure to perform my duties.

          Like, the cognitive dissonance there alone tells me there’s no fixing this with Petunia.

          “I knowingly failed to do something I was reminded to do 3 times and we lost a client for it. My colleague was blamed and reprimanded. Now her tone isn’t sunshine and roses with me! She’s obviously the problem, not me!”

          Like, snippy tones are not professional, and I get that. But I cannot imagine about making a complaint about one if the person I am complaining about is someone I have professionally impacted in a negative way!

          LW needs a thorough, detailed outline of all the issues Petunia has caused, clearly outlining the negative business impacts of it, and her lack of authority to correct them.
          “On Mar 3rd, Petunia failed to order food for Flappy Farm. It resulted in Flappy Farm having a late delivery and canceling their services with us. I reminded Petunia about this on Feb 25th, 18th, and Mar 3rd, but she still failed to complete the order. I have my own list of responsibilities and cannot cover both of our jobs. I also do not have the authority to manage these issues with her, so it continues to happen, impacting in XYZ ways.”

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          2. Fake Name*

            The specifics matter in terms of the tone. If I mess at work I’ll own it and do what I can to make things right but I don’t expect to be yelled at. Similarly, I don’t yell at anyone at work (or in my personal life, really) no matter how much they have screwed up. It’s unkind and unproductive.

            So if I made an error and a coworker reacted in a way that crossed a line I would not hesitate to call it out. We all make mistakes and graciously dealing with the mistakes of others is an important habit to get into in all arenas.

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            1. Starbuck*

              “If I mess at work I’ll own it and do what I can to make things right but I don’t expect to be yelled at.”

              If my repeated mess-ups (that I should not be making, not honest mistakes) cost someone thousands of dollars out of their personal paycheck, I actually would expect to get yelled at for that eventually by someone!

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          3. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

            Fair point, though it’s possible the feedback is from the manager observing the LW’s interactions, rather than Petunia complaining. Still, it’s pretty bold to be annoyed that the LW sometimes goes to Petunia’s manager about stuff, so who knows?

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        2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          It would be a kindness to let Petunia know that the status quo isn’t working very well and, going forward, the LW is going to loop managers in when there are issues. It’s not necessary, in my opinion, but it’s a nice thing to do.

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      2. Kevin Sours*

        It *can* work so long at the team leads are empowered with actual authority — de facto if no de jure. In this case OP *should* have standing to discuss how Petunia does her work, they *shouldn’t* have to worry about Petunia’s emotions around micromanaging when Petunia isn’t meeting deliverables, OP *should* be in the loop on whatever Sam is doing to address Petunia’s performance — not just status updates but directly involved in planning corrective action.

        If this isn’t the case Petunia is a lead in name only and shouldn’t be held responsible for the team’s preformance.

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    5. Lacey*

      I was thinking the same. Petunia’s manager should be the one being held responsible for the slip-ups because he’s the one who has the authority to manager her work!

      Instead, it’s falling on the OP and ofcourse that’s infuriating.

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    6. Smithy*

      Without knowing the exact work in place, I think it’s difficult to say the system is essentially at fault without knowing the business.

      If you were running a salon that offered special event services of both hair and make-up where both services combined make for a happy client. While at some point up the management chain you’d have someone overseeing both, depending on the size – it’s not ridiculous to see hair being managed by one person and make by another. In the hair/make-up combo – it’s also not ridiculous to see one person largely managing the client relationship and consultation, with the more junior following general guidelines but then owning their specialty task.

      If that’s a terrible example because it’s not how salons are run – I’m thinking of companies that offer heating/cooling services along with plumbing, electrical, etc. You have different managers for different specialties, though one client may be using a number of specialists. This is still a management problem, but I don’t think the overall structure is necessarily flawed.

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    7. Antilles*

      The only explanation I can think of is this as a project team. Everybody can be from different departments, but there’s a Project Manager who’s in charge of the specific project. That PM has authority when it comes to their project and responsibility for ensuring it gets done, but *not* general authority since that’s the responsibility of everybody’s actual manager. So if the PM can’t talk/cajole someone into straightening up, the PM’s next step is bringing in the employee’s actual manager and getting them to enforce consequences.

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      1. Kevin Sours*

        The thing is OP *has* brought it to the attention of the actual manager and nothing has happened. If this is a project team. OP should be in the loop on that and somebody should be telling Petunia that OP is the team lead and they need to start listening instead of complaining about micro management. Project teams only work when the lead is given the de facto power to manage the team.

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    8. Death of a Salesman*

      I work in sales, so it’s incredibly common for sales to get commission on sales but obviously the salesperson is out getting sales, not inputting orders. You do end up with the sales team being de facto quality control within the company because if someone’s sales order gets messed up, you best believe that sales person will let everyone know. If that’s the case here, I’m surprised OP has been as reserved as they have been. Everywhere I’ve worked, the sales people will personally call the CEO/c-suite, copy half the company on email, and other pretty nuclear actions. It definitely IS dysfunctional but without sales the entire company would die so they get that power. At the end of the day, it would suck for every single person in the company if Petunia’s actions resulted in losing huge accounts that pay salaries so yeah, I’m surprised OP is this laid back about it.

      Reply ↓
  3. Peanut Hamper*

    This part really bugs me:

    It’s compounded by the fact that Petunia has some objectively difficult things going on in her personal life; initially, I gave her a lot of leeway and was willing to take on extra work,

    I get that you want to be nice, but really, it’s not your place to take on some of her work or whatever you can to make her work life easier. That’s for management (either hers, yours, or both) to decide. They may end up assigning it to you anyway, or they may give it to somebody else, or they may suggest that Petunia take a leave of absence to get stuff sorted out. (Someone on my team is currently doing exactly this.)

    I get the feeling that Petunia is–consciously or not–taking advantage of your kindness. And I understand that you want to lead with grace here. But really, this kind of stuff is above your level, because you’re not her manager.

    It’s time for the managers in this situation–yours, and especially hers–to be more involved in this situation. It’s one thing for an employee to forget to do something, it’s quite another for someone else to remind them to do it, they say they are going to do it, and then they still forget to do it. This is not a situation that is going to get better just because those personal issues in Petunia’s life finally get resolved.

    Your managers need to feel the pain you are experiencing because of Petunia.

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    1. Elbe*

      There is a huge pattern with letters where a LW gives an inch and a coworker takes a mile. It’s a kindness for the LW to try to pitch in when someone is going through a hard time, but they shouldn’t feel bad when they hit their limit.

      If Petunia is struggling to the point that she’s unable to do this much of her job, she needs to work with her employer to get accommodations rather than, effectively, dumping it on the LW.

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      1. Antilles*

        I agree. Stepping up temporarily for a day or couple days when something comes up is understandable. Especially if OP is team lead, this very well might be the expected immediate-answer solution because OP is already familiar with things and there may not be time to bring someone new up to speed.
        But that’s as a very short term one-off, not for something that happens frequently or continues for a long time.

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      2. boof*

        Yes – especially for someone who hasn’t built up capital by, say, having stepped up for LW or others. Sorry but there really does have to be some give and take asking others to do extra for personal problems, and if it stretches beyond, say, a week or two – certainly once we’re into nearly a year – it’s a chronic issue that needs some sort of big picture accommodation or change

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    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Yup, make this the managers’ problem, not yours. It’s a tough balance if you’re trying to make sure your team doesn’t get in trouble and also that you get your bonuses, but I don’t know that you have any other options here besides looping in the managers. If Petunia doesn’t like that, well, that’s her own grave she’s digging, you’re not digging it for her, nor would you be pushing her into it simply by talking to her manager.

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Oh, and if the managers don’t actually do anything about Petunia, then you have, in classic AAM terms, a manager problem and not a coworker problem. In which case, the managers suck and aren’t going to change and you should probably find somewhere else to work with better management. If you can, that is. I know that’s not an easy thing to do, believe me.

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  4. MsM*

    Honestly, OP, I would push back on this being a communication issue at all, or at least that addressing the communication part is more urgent than you running out of ways to try and keep Petunia’s oversights from becoming your problem. Because I get the feeling you could frame your every interaction with her with flawless polite professionalism, and Petunia still wouldn’t be happy about the fact that you still have to address the balls she’s dropping – just like she’s not happy about you having to loop in Sam because your efforts to resolve this directly with her aren’t working.

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    1. Nicosloanicota*

      Yep. I know this from Petunia’s complaint about “micromanaging” even though she also acknowledges she’s not doing a good job. That’s something you can’t have both ways – either you are reliable or you get someone butting in all the time to make sure your essential stuff got done.

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    2. Strive to Excel*

      LW acknowledges the snippiness though. It sounds like LW’s managers are doing what Alison suggests in other letters – whether or not LW is correct in what they say, they need to maintain a professional tone in the workplace. LW is also quite right to go back to management and say “You’re right, and I’ll be less snippy, but I need some input on this Petunia problem”. It’s possible that neither Sam nor LW’s manager realize the extent of the problem. If OP has stopped bringing in Sam for problems, Sam may think the problem is solved and Petunia has gotten better about her organization.

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      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        I wondered about this, too, at the start of the letter. Was the LW being rude or just being clear and direct rather than sugarcoating? I applaud the LW for taking a look at her own behaviour and committing to doing better.

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      2. boof*

        I’m going to take LW at their word but at the same time I do wonder if she’s really being RUDE vs “I can tell you’re frustrated” which isn’t exactly unprofessional if something very frustrating is happening.

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  5. TinkerTailorSolderDye*

    LW, Alison nailed this on the head; push this onto the proper authority to handle it, Sam, and if Petunia throws a fit, that’s Petunia’s problem, not yours.

    Having worked with several co-workers like this in the past, and having done my best for them, I realized far, far too late that it was never my problem to solve. And frankly, Petunia needs to understand that you looping in her boss is, in fact, part of /her boss’s job/, period.

    Then again, just based on the letter, Petunia seems to be so ineffective with her time and commitments that I can’t say I’m surprised she’s trying to guilt you into not telling her boss. She’s doing a poor job, and now she’s getting mad at you pulling her boss in because now, her boss will see that she’s actually doing such a poor job. Consequences of her inactions, in this case.

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    1. Andie Begins*

      Yes, OP, she’s asking you to deal with her directly instead of looping in her boss because she’s trying to hide the balls she’s dropping from her boss. Don’t let her make you feel bad for that – if she wants you to stop looping in her boss, she can just do her f#@king work!

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  6. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    I think the company is making a mistake by having OP and Petunia working for separate managers, compounded by OP being a “team lead” yet having no ability to manage Petunia’s hours, impose consequences on her, etc.

    There are a bunch of management things here:
    Sam (Petunia’s manager) needs to draw up and communicate contingency plans and procedures for what to do when anybody in Petunia’s position has dropped the ball, is on PTO, etc.
    There needs to be a lot more coordination between Sam and OP’s manager (can I call him Dave? I’m calling him Dave) about how **they** are going to make sure these 2-person teams are functioning well.
    OP needs some hard documentation about Petunia’s output, the impact it has on OP, etc. It’s too easy for both Sam and Dave to put these into 1-off categories instead of seeing the pattern.
    OP needs to go back to Dave about the tone thing – there are real business problems here that are creating the tone; it’s not that OP just has a crappy personality or an irrational disdain for Petunia.

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    1. Anne of Green Gables*

      “OP needs to go back to Dave about the tone thing – there are real business problems here that are creating the tone; it’s not that OP just has a crappy personality or an irrational disdain for Petunia.”

      I agree with this, but I also think that the way Alison has recommended that LW do that makes sense. Naming that the LW *is* frustrated is an important of the process. I like Alison’s suggested wording and think it covers all the important points: LW is frustrated, being obviously frustrated at a coworker is not good, part of the resolution needs to be addressing the factors frustrating LW, LW needs Dave’s help (and Sam’s help) in addressing the factors frustrating LW.

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      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Totally agreed. The LW needs to communicate appropriately with Petunia, regardless of how much she screws up. Plus, taking the feedback seriously and communicating better will probably help in the conversation with the managers. Otherwise, it could be taken as the LW trying to put all the blame on Petunia. In that case, the managers may be less likely to take the LW’s (totally reasonable!) complaints seriously.

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    2. Sam I Am*

      This. OP is a “team lead” with no authority, she and her teammate report to two different managers, and her teammate’s performance directly impacts OP’s bonus. It’s all a mess!

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  7. Hedgehug*

    Add to your script to your manager that she is literally costing you money as more clients gets fed up and don’t want to work with you anymore. Which means she’s not just costing you your bonus, but the company money, and costing the reputation of the company. It also sounds like she is gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. What a load. Throw her under the bus.

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  8. AnonInCanada*

    I know this may seem extreme, but maybe if, after having this conversation with Sam and your manager as to how Petunia’s performance (or lack thereof) is affecting not only your work, but the company’s reputation for being a reliable llama care facility, maybe you can go over Sam’s head, and talk to a grand-boss. Let them know exactly what’s going on, and ask for guidance on how to handle it. Since your performance is based on Petunia’s, and you have no authority on how Petunia is managed, someone who ultimately has authority should be able to provide said guidance and fix these issues and keep them fixed, not for just one week, but consistently.

    Best of luck, OP!

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    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Personally, I’d only do this if the managers didn’t fix it. I’m guessing the managers aren’t aware of how many problems Petunia has been causing, since the LW has been trying to fix things.

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  9. Elder Millenial*

    I like Alison’s advice here – but I’d also add the point that you really have no authority over her or her work. When you’ve tried to help or remind her of her work and she doesn’t do it, there are literally no consequences for her because it will fall back on you. Someone needs to hold her accountable to her work.

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  10. RagingADHD*

    I think this is one of those issues where it’s important to really understand and be comfortable with the difference between “I did something wrong” and “someone doesn’t like what I did.”

    Being short and exhibiting obvious frustration with a colleague is not appropriate, and you’re rightfully addressing that. But it is not wrong or inappropriate for you to address these issues with her or with Sam, even though Petunia doesn’t like it. She may complain about feeling “micromanaged,” but her feeling does not make it true. If she is having ongoing performance issues in the same areas, that are impacting your team’s performance, she is UNDER managed, not over managed.

    And you are not the person who should be managing her. Sam is. So talk to Sam, and let Petunia feel however she feels.

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  11. Nicosloanicota*

    As soon as OP said she was team lead but not manager I knew where this was going. Companies do this, in my experience, because they don’t want to pay people / give authority to all the managers they need. Peers don’t like to be managed by peers and most of them know where “the buck stops” and it’s with their boss, not you. Meaning they don’t have to listen to you. It’s a very frustrating, entirely predictable situation. I hope the two actual managers here are competent enough that OP can just mail this whole problem back to them because it’s above her paygrade.

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    2. Great Frogs of Literature*

      Honestly, this sounds worse to me that the usual team lead setup, because I would expect a non-managerial team lead to report to the same manager as the team they’re leading, and all be part of the same organizational unit.

      To my mind this isn’t a team, it’s two random people who work on related tasks, and one of them has a senior title and gets held accountable every time the other one messes up, but doesn’t have any tools to hold the other person accountable.

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      1. Kevin Sours*

        So I’ve seen setups with cross functional teams where say developers report to a development manager and QA reports to a QA manager. But in this case while the team lead might not have de jure authority to fire somebody, going to the manager with “this person is not working out, we need to deal with it” is going to get some serious and immediate attention. Which means they do have tools to hold the team accountable.

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    3. Ellis Bell*

      This may be unfair to Petunia, particularly with her personal problems in the background, but there’s a real “when the cat’s away the mice will play” vibe coming from her corner, however unconscious, or unintended it may be. When OP tries to loop in the boss about very real structural problems, Petunia’s instincts are to hush up OP, not face the music, or ask for support or training.

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      1. Dust Bunny*

        It’s easy for people to get used to leeway. Petunia may have acclimated to the wiggle room the OP (and possibly Petunia’s manager) has been giving her and now isn’t staying on top of the work.

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      2. LL*

        I’m also assuming that Petunia gets mad that OP loops in her boss because it means she’ll have to change her behavior and she doesn’t want to do that.

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    4. Maple Cheesecake*

      This! I just recently left a company where I was the guinea pig for this exact setup, and it sucked. Originally, we had a manager for each location, but as some left because even that stretched them too thin, the sites fell under fewer and fewer managers. They even hired a new manager, only to let her go a week after she started purely because they finally decided they only needed three managers for seven locations.

      And that’s where I came in: a “site lead” with zero authority over my location’s staff, no pull to get anything done or have my opinion carry weight—but ALL of the responsibility. But my location was the only one with a lead, so I was filling in every gap my manager couldn’t keep up with, even for other locations. When I left, the plan was to have one site lead per manager—not per site, of course. Because that would make too much sense!

      And cost far, far too much money!

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    5. Elbe*

      Agreed. I think that the LW should try to set up regular – maybe weekly – check-in meetings with the two bosses, all three together in the same meeting. If the company doesn’t want to give the team leads any power at all (which is a mistake, in my opinion), the managers need to be more involved in the situation.

      It’s always going to be a mess when the people who have the authority to take action are this far removed from the day-to-day problems.

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  12. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

    Oy. This reminds me of a performance evaluation where I was told that I tended to ascribe malice and or incompetence to obstructive coworkers—but also that I was right. The assignment was to deal with incompetent jerks more nicely? At least my boss could laugh about it. I worked on my tone, and I made a good faith effort to be more professional. But when my nemesis put in his notice, I was asked to organize a send-off for him. And I simply…didn’t. Since I’m not a person who generally drops the ball, message sent.

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  13. Dawn*

    OP, it comes as no surprise that you are becoming increasingly irritated with a woman who is personally costing you potentially thousands of dollars, and then gets offended when you ask her to do her damned job correctly for a change.

    Reply ↓
    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      “Why is *how* I’m saying something more important than *what* I’m saying?”

      You can only employ that question if you don’t have a reputation for being curt and frustrated though. Stumps my mom every time.

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      1. Grizzled*

        In a professional context, how you say something is extremely important. It’s understandable that OP is getting frustrated, I totally feel for them and her performance review was really unfair. BUT, when you are frustrated, it will reflect much better on you and create a much better work environment if you can say the “what” in a calm and dignified manner, even if you’re doing it over and over again.

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        1. Snarkus Aurelius*

          But in this case, assuming the LW doesn’t have a history of being rude or angry all the time, I would look at it as a symptom of a larger problem. If the LW is a woman or POC or both, there’s a very good chance that the LW’s *reaction* will take precedence over what’s causing the original reaction. That’s what I worry about as that has happened to me. I don’t want typical and expected frustration to hijack what’s really going on here, especially if Petunia is using it as a distraction.

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        2. Kevin Sours*

          Sure. But it’s a real problem when people’s reactions to legitimate frustration — and OP’s frustration is legitimate — are treated much more harshly than the source of that frustration. If you are going to chide somebody on their tone it needs to come with an acknowledgement that they have a reason for it and a commitment to do better.

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      2. Dawn*

        I mean, I can sympathize with your mother’s side of it to some extent. How you say things does matter; you can’t scream that your soup is cold while knocking over the bookshelf and pulling out a switchblade.

        That said, I understand what you’re saying here and you’re right – the fact that what is going on is going on is the bigger issue here. I’m trying to buy a house right now: if one of my coworkers were causing me to lose thousands of dollars of my pay through her continued incompetence and/or uncaring, I would be livid, and I wouldn’t not be able to show it.

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      3. Saturday*

        I don’t get that because how you say stuff is very important – it’s all part of what’s being communicated. But both problems need to be solved.

        Reply ↓
  14. Snarkus Aurelius*

    That’s why you shouldn’t be responsible for someone else’s work unless you’re the direct supervisor. I know that’s not your fault, LW, but, I swear, it’s the most frustrating setup.

    I’d object to that arrangement overall because that’s your root problem.

    Oh and all of these issues are fireable offenses.

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    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Yeah, I do want to push back on OP’s statement that these are not fireable offenses. Maybe not if they were one-offs, but the fact that it keeps happening even after Petunia has been chastened for it is absolutely fireable.

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  15. Grizzled*

    You should ask your manager to lay out what it means to be the team lead. It’s fine if the team lead does overall project management and delegates tasks, but the team lead should not also be held accountable for the team member’s performance without the authority to discipline that team member. There should be clear, documented job duties for both team lead and manager. Meet with management and push for the manager to be responsible and accountable for staff performance – not you. This is something you can push for! And if management continues to tie your bonus to another person’s performance, without allowing you to manage their performance – start looking for another job. Been there, done that – don’t bang your head against the wall for a management structure that isn’t going to change.

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    1. Dawn*

      Can we say that again a little louder for the people in the back?

      The team lead should not – must not – be held accountable for the team’s performance without the authority to discipline people.

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  16. ThisIshRightHere*

    Oof. Life as a team lead. I don’t miss it one bit. I echo all Alison’s advice, OP. This is a problem, but thankfully the solution is pretty straightforward. The actual managers need to manage. I do wonder why, as a team lead, you’re overseeing the work of people with a manager outside your chain of command. When last I led a team, the lack of official supervisory function was tempered by the fact the everyone on my team was accountable to the same management.

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  17. Whale I Never*

    While the performance issue is obviously the bigger problem, I’ve also had some experience with trying to curtail my frustration with coworkers, and there are two little habits I’ve developed that have helped me on a day-to-day basis:

    1) Complaining either to a friend outside of work (someone not in the SLIGHTEST bit connected with my job), and/or to a little toy I have in my office if I need immediate venting. It’s a rubber duck dressed like a sailor, and he is a constant friend and witness to my frustration but will never gossip to coworkers about my inappropriate-for-the-office rage, nor does he complain back at me and sent me into a doom spiral of negativity. (He also hears all of my editing woes, and often leads me to the solutions without saying a word.)

    2) Framing my own patience as a marketable skill. Taking a deep breath and thinking “wow, the client would have so much respect for how quickly, easily, and promptly I fixed someone else’s mistake—I’m so professional!,” or imagining how good it would look on a resume, especially if I could use all the curses I want to describe the scale of the original error. As someone who is often overthinking and anxious about my performance, I’ve found that patting my own back tends to put me in a better mood!

    These tactics have their limits, obviously, but they’re something you can start doing immediately, as opposed to having to wait for other people to deal with the root problem of Petunia.

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      1. Hlao-roo*

        Here’s a comment about the origins of “chocolate teapots” (which has since evolved into just “teapots”):

        https://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/how-do-i-tell-an-internship-id-need-a-stipend.html#comment-101578

        I think “llama grooming” and “rice sculpting” were originally occasionally used by Alison in answers to questions (for example, as part of a script: “It’s been great meeting you, Fergus, but now I need to attend the rice sculpting seminar” instead of “It’s been great meeting you, Fergus, but now I need to attend the [subject that makes sense for your field] seminar”).

        The example fields aren’t any official “standard.” Letter-writers who read the blog and know they’re somewhat common here may decide to use them in letters to keep their industry anonymous.

        Here’s a comment that confirms letter-writers are the ones who choose the pseudonyms or fake industries in their letters:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2023/01/ask-your-behind-the-scenes-questions.html#comment-4164789

        Also, here’s Alison saying that she edits them out where she can:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2024/03/i-might-run-into-the-person-whose-life-i-ruined-at-a-work-event.html#comment-4629624

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    2. pamela voorhees*

      They’re a tradition here because it gets the point across without forcing the LW to give away actual details of their industry. The only field most people are familiar with is their own, so if they want to write in for advice, it’s either use real examples and potentially doxx themselves, or use completely fictional examples (like llamas and teapots) that can’t be traced back.

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        1. Socks*

          When people use more plausible examples, the comments tend to be filled with people giving advice for the specific example they used (see: today’s earlier thread where a nonprofit employee used a food bank as an analogy). The teapot and/or llama shorthand keeps people from weighing in on the specifics of the industry.

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          1. xylocopa*

            Yeah, I assume one of the reasons to use llamas and chocolate teapots is that they’re recognizable (and silly) enough that we all get that it’s a stand-in and don’t start flooding OP with field-specific advice that’s not actually applicable.

            I haven’t noticed anyone in the comments struggling to understand OP’s problem, llamas or not.

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        3. Your Former Password Resetter*

          Yes, but only by using different industries as an example.
          And if you use real industries, you risk all sorts of confusion and derailment when people think you’re actually in that industry, or when people think you’re in something similar enough that other industry wisdom applies.

          Much easier to just use stock fake industries.

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    3. Funbud*

      I hate this terminology (along with the cringe worthy cutesy term “grandboss” Ugh) although I understand the usefulness of it. still, I wish it was something blander like “We manufacturer pipe. I’m in the department that ensures quality”. Or just say “My company creates software for warehousing”. If you make it generic enough I doubt anyone can trace it back to you

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        1. Whale I Never*

          Right–if someone is already slightly suspicious that the situation in the letter sounds familiar, then even a broad job description can really help narrow things down. Or, if you try and go super generic, sometimes it actually gets more complicated to explain because you have to add in a bunch of caveats about the importance, relative level of difficulty, etc. If you’re saying “my coworker forgets to do a routine task” it makes a big difference if that coworker is a receptionist forgetting to reorder water jugs or a nurse forgetting to deliver daily medication.

          Also, commenters sometimes have either actual experience or preconceived notions about actual industries, and might try to give specific advice that isn’t relevant because of those assumptions. (I’ve noticed this also happens a lot with gender–people will often suspect that one participant being a woman comes into play, and that might be true or it might be wrong, and then suddenly there’s a 20-comment thread spiraling completely off-topic.)

          Choosing teapots and llamas in particular might get old, but it can be really handy to use obviously outlandish jobs.

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        2. Gumby*

          Ayup. I was getting a sandwich and had a short conversation with the dude in line behind me. I gave a very very general description of my company’s area (“research and development in [cell biology]”) and he correctly identified the company based on the description and our location, which was about 10 miles from our office. There are maybe 4 or 5 companies doing what we do in the whole country. Very few people not in the field have heard of us but most people in the field have. To be clear, we do not do cell biology. But that was the level of detail I had given.

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  19. Elbe*

    Not sure if this applies to the LW, but one thing that I’ve noticed is that people tend to feel more frustrated when they feel like they can’t be direct about problems. They say the ‘polite’ words in a short tone or with sarcasm, as opposed to just addressing things directly.

    When Petunia makes a mistake, rather than saying, “It’s fine.” with an eye roll and a sigh, it would be better to just calmly say, “Unfortunately, this is part of a pattern of misses that I’m going to have to escalate to Sam.”

    When Petunia says the LW is being mean by escalating, it’s fair to say, “These problems affect my bonus as well as yours, and I need Sam’s help to get things back on track.”

    Just because you have to remain professional and civil doesn’t mean you have to everything with a smile. There are professional ways to be direct about disagreements, and it may make the situation more bearable.

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  20. Ellis Bell*

    OP, I’d like to know where your boss got the idea that you “need to work on communication”, because unless they personally overheard you, that complaint came from Petunia by way of Sam. If so? Huge red flag that you’re being blamed behind your back. But even if Petunia is completely well meaning, owns her mistakes with Sam, and has nothing but praise for you and your communication with her as a team lead, you’re still the one who gets held accountable for the “team’s” mistakes! So, no, you’re not going to be hushed up about it in advance just so the blame can more predictably land on you in the aftermath of another of Petunia’s dropped balls. The only communication I’d work on with her is to remove any doubt that you’re going to hide mistakes and issues just to keep her happy. “I’m not your boss, they are the managers and I need to loop them in on big issues or when something happens. I’ve been getting blamed because they don’t know what’s going on” Just be very boring, unmoved and don’t let her control your decision here. As for all those reminders you give her and other “communications”, I’d start putting them in writing on emails and copying in both managers.

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    1. Kevin Sours*

      I’m reminded of the old joke about the guy looking for his keys on a dark street. I feel like OP’s manager feels he need to do something about an obvious problem but the only thing he has authority over is OP.

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    2. Glengarry Glenn Close*

      Well the LW admitted they’ve been irritable and short, so I think we can accept that these are still things they can improve, regardless of Petunia’s issues

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    3. Elbe*

      The LW agrees that their tone needs to improve. There’s no indication here that the manager’s assessment of the communication is unfair. It’s good that the LW is recognizing the issue and is trying to keep their side of the street clean. It will give them more credibility when trying to discuss Petunia’s issues with management.

      The root cause of the issue is Petuinia, to be sure, but it’s not out of bounds for management to want employees to communicate problems respectfully. It’s not an either-or situation.

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  21. Endless TBR Pile*

    OP, as others have said – push this back on management. Every time Petunia drops a ball, email her *and cc her manager and your own*. If she gets upset, tough. Her inability to do her job is impacting your ability to do yours, as well as your end of year bonus. When you’re emailing Petunia for the third time about a llama food order she’s neglected, Sam can see the paper trail. Make her errors visible as they happen, in real time.

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  22. Goddess47*

    Document, document, document. And, since you are asked to communicate, cheerfully let Petunia know you will be doing this. She’ll call you a snitch but you can tell her that her actions are affecting your income and that you are entitled to protect your income. It’s business, nothing else. So she’ll likely shape up for a while, to your benefit. (Although the passive-aggressive gremlin in me wants to tell you that you are not obligated to remind Petunia that you will be doing this when she slips again.)

    And do it daily, if that’s appropriate. But do it the day it happens, don’t save it up. Just facts. “Petunia clocked out at 4 pm on Tuesday.” And “Order for X was not sent in; anticipated delivery date is now Y. Customer requested delivery by date Z.”

    Make it both of the supervisor’s problem, since you’ve done what you can to try to solve it.

    Good luck!

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  23. Not on board*

    This is clearly happening so frequently that by sending an email to Petunia, her boss, your boss to document what’s happened will possibly push Petunia’s boss to deal with the situation because they’ll get so tired of getting these emails.

    Also, go back to your boss and state that you cannot be held accountable for team performance when you have no ability to discipline the other member of your team who doesn’t do their job.

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  24. Just Thinkin' Here*

    OP, a major issue here is that you have not looped in YOUR manager enough. You need to ensure that your manager feels the pain as often as you do. Make sure you CC your manager on all issues and meet regularly to discuss situations where someone else’s actions impact your bonus. Tell your manager ‘how are YOU going to solve this since I don’t have management authority over Petunia?’ Your manager is a manager, and it’s his job to coordinate with Sam to ensure that his employees as doing what they need to do.

    I know your job title is ‘team lead’ but you really aren’t. You have no control over Petunia’s work schedule, output, projects, etc. And you don’t have hire, fire, or performance review. You can lay out to your manager ‘either I start being compensated to manage this person and have full authority, or this person’s work does not impact my bonus pay and performance rating’. Management can’t have it both ways.

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  25. fhqwhgads*

    Re: “Please trust me that it’s nothing fireable, but it’s a lot of missed due dates, leaving early, and occasional big errors.”
    OP, I trust you that these things are not fireable where you are, but it may be worth recalibrating/thinking about the fact that in many many many jobs this alone: a lot of missed due dates, leaving early would be fireable, and would be especially fireable when combined with occasional big errors.

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    1. Elbe*

      I read that as a situation where the LW is trying to do stellar work to receive a full bonus, and Petunia is content to do just enough to not get fired. Both approaches are valid, to a certain extent, but it is awful for the LW that they are on the same team, tied to the same results. If Petunia isn’t going to get fired, then there is no real motivation for her to be better. The company has determined that this level of performance is acceptable to them.

      I wonder if the LW could work with someone else?

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  26. WillowSunstar*

    Is there written documentation on the procedures that has been given to Petunia? Only reason I ask is I had a Petunia and got nowhere with boss until everything was documented. Then I wound up sending to boss, along with a screen shot of what was done incorrectly and also highlighting in the notes what should have been done. Also made sure to keep the emails where I had sent my Petunia the documentation.

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  27. Parenthesis Guy*

    You haven’t mentioned asking for a replacement for Petunia. Is that something you’re able to request? Otherwise, you don’t have too many options. You can’t let balls drop without losing your own bonus. And you can’t fire Petunia. All you can do is hope that a manager will take care of the issue for you or leave.

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  28. Part time lab tech*

    Reading this through, I wonder if the problem is actually that there is too much work for one person to do. Petunia has reduced bandwidth and can’t take on extra hours because of her personal circumstances. When she drops the ball her reflex is to blame you (which why you need to loop in both your managers, whether she likes it or not). Perhaps the real solution is to hire a temp 20 hours a week.
    Otherwise, other people have given good suggestions. Maybe video yourself giving your explanation for your frustration and your solutions going forward so that you can see for yourself what your manager is talking about.

    Reply ↓
  29. LL*

    Yeah, it really doesn’t matter that Petunia is mad that go to her manager. She doesn’t make permanent changes when you bring up things with her and you don’t have the authority to do anything about it, so you need to go to her manager, regardless of what she thinks.

    Reply ↓

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