how do I handle endless rounds of nitpicky questions from coworkers?

by Alison Green on February 18, 2025

A reader writes:

Lately I’ve been subject to a technique by coworkers that I call “death by a thousand questions.” It goes something like this:

Q: Hey, are we getting in the combination llama/alpaca wool?
A: I don’t have a date yet, I’m hoping for the 20th.
Q: So the 20th.
A: It’s not confirmed. I’ll let you know as soon as I know.
Q: Who needs to confirm it?
A: The freight forwarder.
Q: Well, haven’t they confirmed it before?
A: Yes, and when they confirm it they will let me know.
Q: Why can’t they confirm it now?
A: I’m not sure, but they are a reliable company.
Q: Is it their provider?
A: I don’t know.
Q: Is it their supplier?
A: I don’t know.
Q: Is the problem the llama wool or the alpaca wool?
A: I don’t know.
Q: Shouldn’t you know?
A: There’s no problem that I am aware of. The company is not late. They said on or about the 20th. If it turns out it’s late, they’ll tell me then what the issue is.
Q: So is the 21st considered late?
A: What?
Q: You said on or about the 20th. When do you get late? When do you start asking questions?
A: I don’t know. We’ve never had issues with this company.
Q: We need to get the date confirmed.
A: I agree. It should happen this week.
Q: When this week?
A: Sometime this week? Is there an issue I need to know about? On or about the 20th is typical delivery time. Is there an emergency?
Q: Don’t you think every delivery is important? I think the people relying on that wool think it’s important.
A: I know it matters to people. As soon as I have confirmation, I’ll send it out.
Q: You know the answer. You just don’t want to share it.

I’ve also had email rounds like this. How do I shut this down without killing someone?

What on earth is going on in your office that this is happening with multiple people?

If it were a single person, I’d think it was just something about them — anxiety interfering with their work, maybe, or an excessive degree of rigidity/inability to deal with any ambiguity, or … well, I don’t know what. But something about them.

But multiple people?

And with that accusatory twist at the end (“you just don’t want to share it”)?

That makes me very curious about the context this is happening in! For example, have there been ongoing issues with late deliveries or other problems, and has no one informed the people affected in a timely way or acted with enough urgency to resolve them? Have there been issues with you or your team hoarding info and not sharing it with people who would benefit from knowing it? Are there other trust issues in play — either trust in people’s competence or trust that everyone is working toward the same goal?

If those issues aren’t in play on your team, are there other teams in the company where those have been issues, and so now the people you’re dealing with approach everything through that lens?

Or, are they mirroring to you what they get from their own manager? Sometimes when someone works for a manager who micromanages the crap out of their work, they start passing that down the chain; they know their manager will be asking them these questions (“so the 20th? well, who needs to confirm it? well, when will that happen?”) so they try to get out ahead of it by asking you all that up-front. (Sometimes people realize this is dysfunctional but it’s the best way to survive with their boss, and other times they absorb that way of operating as the norm and don’t even realize it’s dysfunctional. Even more fun, sometimes those people then carry that habit with them to other jobs where it’s completely out of left field.)

As for how to shut it down, a few options:

1. When you know you’re dealing with someone like this, try to give as much of the info as you can up-front. It’ll take more time initially but it’ll save you time in the long run by cutting out a lot of the back and forth. So for example:

Q: Hey, are we getting in the combination llama/alpaca wool?
A: I don’t have a firm date yet. I’m hoping for the 20th, but once it’s confirmed they’ll let me know. If it’s not the 20th, I expect it will be within a few days of that. This company is very reliable, but if there’s context on your end that I should be aware of, please let me know!

2. If you find yourself in the middle of one of these long back-and-forths, pause and say, “From your questions, it sounds like there might be special context around this delivery? What’s going on with this one — anything unusual I should factor in?”

3. If it happens repeatedly from the same person or the same team, address the pattern: “You have seemed very concerned about our deliveries lately, so I wanted to give you some big-picture info about how they work. We generally know the rough timeframe something is expected to arrive in, but the exact date isn’t confirmed until the week before. The companies we work with are very reliable, and their estimated dates are usually correct. Is anything going on on your end that’s causing worry about them?” (And if the problem is with multiple people on a team, you might have this conversation with their manager.)

You may also like:
{ 200 comments }

{ 200 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Anxious Accountant*

    Re: the last parting shot. . . a well timed “Excuse me?” and deadly silence might go a long way. That’s completely inappropriate.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bird names*

      While there are some people that horde knowledge as means of control, it seems unlikely that LW is one of them. No matter what, this approach is, to put it nicely, deeply dysfunctional.

      Reply ↓
      2. FAFO*

        Disagree. I used to supervise someone who would not provide adequate information unless you played 20 questions with a side of cross – examination thrown in. Finally fired her over it (she was a supervisor, I was Board President) because it was exhausting. Reading this conversation brings me flashbacks. I bet LW is one of those types.

        Reply ↓
        3. Socks*

          I’ve dealt with those types too, but I don’t think the LW comes off as one of them. “I don’t have a date yet, but I’m hoping the 20th” is a perfectly adequate answer when you don’t have any additional context for why they’re asking. Some of the followup questions are just odd if there’s no real problem, and when the LW asked if there was a problem they aren’t aware of, they got snarked at.

          Reply ↓
        4. hbc*

          If this gives you flashbacks, you were at least part of the problem there. As a manager, I would never pester my people this way. Why does it matter if it’s our supplier’s supplier or our supplier’s provider preventing them from confirming? It doesn’t get the confirmation in any faster, and you’ll quickly lose the good will of a reliable supplier by pushing into their business this way.

          If you have some reason to need more than the info that was already available (“estimated date in, will be confirmed next week”), you should be sharing that yourself, not trying to trick a random irrelevant detail out of someone.

          Reply ↓
        5. anonymous worker ant*

          Yeah. That last question is way out of line, but the rest of it really reminds me of trying to drag information out of certain departments where I work. They operate under the assumption that they should pass on the least possible information at all times, document nothing, and not give any elaboration or explanation unless asked a direct question. I don’t think it’s even deliberate obstructionism, it just never occurs to them that giving more information than the bare minimum would be helpful.

          That sounds like a conversation with someone who has been told they need a firm date, and has been told they should be getting a firm date, and needs an answer that they can pass on to whoever is asking for a firm date other than “I don’t know”, and is extremely frustrated to always get just “I don’t know.” There’s very likely something going on here with the two departments not understanding what the other one expects of them, I suspect.

          Reply ↓
    2. Silver Robin*

      That is the most obviously egregious, but the sly shots at LW’s competency started earlier: “shouldn’t you know?”, “when do you start asking questions?”, and “don’t you think every delivery is important?” all made my hackles go up

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        Yeah, I feel like my response would be “I’m sorry this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but I’m afraid it’s the best/most thorough I can provide.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Silver Robin*

          No apologies; these are (to all appearances) pretty routine deliveries from reliable vendors. “This is all the information available, I will let you know as soon as I know more.” Ad nauseum if necessary.

          Reply ↓
        2. Jellyfish Catcher*

          I would change that to “it’s the best that know at this time“ rather saying the best You “can provide,” to distance the weird idea that you, personally, Should Do More.

          Reply ↓
      2. MissMuffett*

        Yeah, the “don’t you think every delivery is important” was inappropriately snarky – and then the parting shot was icing on that cake. I would really be like, wait, what is going on here that you’re being so accusatory!

        Reply ↓
        1. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

          “You appear to have something on your mind” might be an appropriate response once they get to this point.

          Reply ↓
      3. fhqwhgads*

        Yeah, OP’s coworkers need a giant dose of “that’s not how this works; that’s not how any of this works”.

        Reply ↓
      4. Also-ADHD*

        The “don’t you think every delivery is important?” really got me. I have no idea what LW does or if this would even be the main focus, but who lets every single delivery have THIS much headspace if they are generally coming in on time and so forth!

        Reply ↓
      5. NotAnotherManger!*

        There is definitely some shade there that would make me flat-out ask if there were specific concerns I could address because the tenor of their questions seemed to imply I was not doing my job satisfactorily.

        Reply ↓
  2. Witch*

    I work at a company that’s service-based where we install things at a variety of corporate locations so there’s ALWAYS a ton of moving parts between ordering materials, possible in-house fabrication, client deadlines and construction dates, etc., and there are a TON of back and forth conversations like this.

    My advice is exactly the same as Alison’s. If people continue to try to suss out information from you, be upfront with the entire process and ask them what their concerns are.

    I’ve found that sometimes people, especially if they’re in a siloed department, narrow focus on one particular thing (like the due date for a material) but their actual problem is completely different (the client wants to move the install deadline up or something).

    So you need to be direct and help them help you.

    Reply ↓
    1. I own one tenacious plant*

      Agreed. It sounds like there is a missing piece of information or context that is not communicated. If it was one person I would guess it’s an mis match in communication styles. As it’s multiple people I’m guessing they are not getting the info they need to do their job – and that is not a knock on LW! Those asking the questions are not explaining the context or asking the right questions to get the answers they need. I would suggest LW go on a fact finding mission to both explain the larger process from their end and find out how the info is being used further along the line. It sounds like it may be time for either inperson or phone conversations to get to the root of the problem.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lily Rowan*

        Communications style mismatch seems right to me. A very different scenario, but I had several jobs where “lack of sense of urgency” was the main criticism I received. Did I get everything done on time? I did. Did I give everyone enough time for their pieces? I did. Did I run around with my hair on fire? I did not. Now, one of the main compliments I get at work is that I am calm and effective. Same me! Different culture.

        Reply ↓
        2. Audiophile*

          The number of places I’ve worked that want every employee to run around like Chicken Little when the sky is never falling. It drives me crazy.

          Reply ↓
      2. Eukomos*

        Seconding that if this happens over email you need to meet in person or at least call and have a conversation about it. And you need to ask them questions, not just answer theirs. A nice broad “tell me about what this process looks like on your end and where you run into bottlenecks” and see if you can get them to start complaining about whatever’s going wrong that’s making them act like this. Then you can use that context to tell them what you can and cannot fix about this and who they should talk to for actual help, since you probably can’t fix it.

        Reply ↓
    3. Some Internet Rando*

      I like the idea of shutting down the questions with a question of your own. Reminds me of Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec when he was being questioned and would only answer a question with a question… it shut the whole thing down quickly.

      Reply ↓
    4. NotAnotherManger!*

      I work in a different industry, but this happens ALL the time. My best folks are the ones who can see these situations a mile away and work with the customer to figure out what we’re trying to accomplish before we play 20 Questions over it.

      This also used to happen to me frequently when I did niche tech support for a specialized software tool. Someone would call and ask to use some really obscure feature, and it was nearly never what they actually needed. We started with their end result and worked backward – eventually, people just started calling and saying, “I need to figure out our what our avocado spend for guac versus not guac products has been for the last three years for Bob’s audit committee, can you help me get him that info?” rather than, “Hey, how does the produce tracking system work for PLU #4225?”.

      Reply ↓
  4. Arglebarglor*

    I have the opposite problem. I email someone “Hi, we have an issue with our llama groomer. Can you tell me 1) when the groomer will be available to groom, 2) what supplies the groomer needs and 3) whether they can handle a llama with special needs (they bite)? Please let me know asap, preferably by the end of the day? Thanks so much” and I get back “OK” and then radio silence. It’s enough to make me want to bang my head against a wall.

    Reply ↓
    1. Archi-detect*

      I know heresy, but when that happens I talk in person or call them. some people suck at providing detailed info in emails. you can write an email of their answers for clarification or to help you remember if you need the paper trail

      Reply ↓
    2. WonderEA*

      This drives me crazy as well – I try to be efficient with my emails (similar to yours) and the incomplete or incomprehensible responses are so frustrating.

      Reply ↓
      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I wonder if the other person is not reading anything but the first sentence. Maybe something like “I need the following information by end of day because there is an issue with our llama groomer.” Then list out the info into bullet points.

        Reply ↓
        1. Mentally Spicy*

          I have found that are definitely are people who will read the first paragraph of a multi-paragraph email and reply to that.

          In my industry (video) we quite often have to send edits out for feedback with temporary stock library music. The music will be a preview version with a voice saying “Drama Llama audio preview”, or whatever. When sending an edit I would always say “please note that the music is a watermarked preview track with a voice saying [etc.] If you’re happy with this track we will purchase the non-watermarked version”.

          Without fail I would get comments back like “I quite like the music, but there seems to be a voice on it. Can we remove that?” or similar. Every time. I tried putting the “please note” in bold, all caps, different colour, italics – nothing helped.

          People don’t read emails!

          Reply ↓
          1. LoraC*

            Oh gosh, the audiovisual version of “What is all this Lorem Ipsum stuff on this sample brochure” or “Why are all these images blurry”, when you told them they’re just placeholder text and images!

            Reply ↓
        2. Lurker*

          Yes ^THIS^ that’s a wall of text and a lot of questions.

          Usually when asked many questions people just answer the last one.

          Plus email starts there’s a issue, but never gets to what the issue is, just asks questions.

          Reply ↓
          1. Enai*

            It’s literally four sentences. If that overwhelms the average office worker’s attention span, I despair for our species.

            Reply ↓
    3. Tierrainney*

      my spouse recently was having this problem, and ended up scheduling meetings with everyone who was not replying to any of the questions. that got them to reply finally with the data that was needed since they didn’t want to have a meeting.

      Reply ↓
    4. different seudonym*

      Some people use the “suggested replies” in Google extremely freely. A lot of those people (and only you would know if this applies to your workplace) have low literacy skills.

      Reply ↓
  6. JP*

    I have a coworker that’s kind of like this, though not quite as bad. She’s actually pretty flaky and unreliable herself. Sometimes it feels like panic on her end trying to pull stuff together that she dropped the ball on. Sometimes it feels like she’s setting the stage to throw me under the bus when she doesn’t meet her deadline.

    Reply ↓
  7. Falling Diphthong*

    OP, is it possible that there is a big hunk of missing context here that you are unaware of?

    Like that Wilburforce in Cover Sheets is telling anyone who will listen that you hide the secret information, possibly because he believes you cut him off in traffic three months ago? Or that a chunk of workers is feeling stalked by an angry manager who believes that the information on the llama delivery is secretly known by you, and blames these workers for not getting the information out of you?

    This feels like you stumbled into a corner of a drawing room mystery, and things don’t make sense because you don’t have all the context given in the first act.

    Reply ↓
    3. Ama*

      Yeah I once had a new coworker who tried to create the impression with others that I was hoarding knowledge. Now none of my long-term coworkers fell for it and that dude got fired after it became clear he spent all his time trying to undermine anyone who the CEO trusted, but I had the advantage of a small office where we knew the quality of each other’s work so people trusted me over new guy. It could be a misunderstanding about how the order process works or something more but OP should try to figure it out before it becomes their department’s reputation.

      Reply ↓
    4. Nesprin*

      +1
      This seems like the sort of situation where a bit of curiosity would be really helpful. Why are people badgering you for information? Do they need to know by X date to plan their week? Are things often late or not communicated well?

      Reply ↓
    5. fhqwhgads*

      Yeah but if it were that it’s still VERY weird that after the various clarifications OP gave they didn’t come out with it. Like, at a certain point the subtext has gotta become the text or even if there’s something else going on they’re aware of and assume OP is, just friggin say it.

      Reply ↓
    6. Foila*

      I’ve had similar conversations (though not nearly to that extent) and often the missing context is that the interrogator has screwed up. They didn’t allow enough time for a process that they knew was unpredictable, and now they’re scrambling.

      This never makes the process go faster.

      Reply ↓
  9. Dawn*

    Just keep repeating “you’ll have to ask (manager)” until they learn that they can’t badger information that you don’t have out of you, imo.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dawn*

      I mean, if it were ME, I’d tell them that they’re welcome to call the vendor themselves, but I’ve got a bit of a mean streak when people annoy me.

      Reply ↓
        3. NotAnotherManger!*

          Yes. This is how one of my colleagues had their project hijacked by a nosy colleague who called the vendor, questioned everything that was being done, changed the schedule (incurring scope change and rush charges), and redirected all the approvals/updates to themselves. People like The Inquisitor do not have good judgment and should be contained where they can’t pester as many people.

          Reply ↓
    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      That might not work if the OP is the one who would have the info. The manager would probably just tell them to go back to OP.

      Reply ↓
  10. ID Gal*

    I used to have a job like this. It was horrible and I’m still recovering, eight years later. To this day, multiple questions like this derail me mentally.

    One suggestion is to prepare a job aid covering most likely scenarios and how they get resolved. Then hand it off to these interrogators. Cheerfully point out that this is the process 90% of the time and you’ve prepared this document to communicate with all who depend on the shipment. Can’t promise they’ll read it, but it might help.

    Reply ↓
    1. Kristin*

      Great suggestion. Hang in there; eventually when you work with sane colleagues you regain your sense of normal! (Because I certainly lost mine for a while.)

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      How you can tell the team building exercises have worked, and brought the team together to work as one toward a common goal.

      Reply ↓
    3. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I am always astounded at the different perspectives in the comments. I came here to see who needed to borrow a shovel, yet every third comment is coming back to the OP with, “well, you must not be effectively communicating.” and “I worked with someone who would never answer my questions, are you sure you aren’t?” and “well, if everyone has a problem with you…”
      I’m not criticizing the personal experiences of the commentariat, I’m stunned that more than one person worked in such a bag of bees that OP’s experience could be justified.

      Reply ↓
  12. ThatGirl*

    If this were on email (or even in person) I’d try to shut it down a lot earlier – give all the context you have and stop replying until there is a new, relevant question. For instance “we are expecting it on the 20th, the supplier has always been reliable, the date will be confirmed this week and I will let everyone know when it is/if there are any problems. Thanks.”

    Reply ↓
  14. Generic Name*

    I feel like when people are like this, there is an unspoken question or expectation that they are not communicating to you. Maybe a higher up is pressuring them to get an answer now. Or maybe they have a form or a workflow or process that they need to input certain info by a certain day of the week or month. I suggest having a real-time conversation with them and say that you want to be responsive to their question and it is not your intent to hide anything and ask if they can give you some more context or background of what they need and why and see if you can tailor your future responses to fit in more with what they need.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bird names*

      Yeah, I’ve seen this suggested in regards to baffling customer questions. The person is trying to get at a real issue and might be veeery bad at expressing that. It’s straight-up a skill to draw this kind of stuff out of people. When I was still doing customer service daily I got decently good at it, but now I’m a definitely out of practice. Takes a lot of energy to be sure.

      Reply ↓
    2. Coverage Associate*

      Yes, I have definitely seen forms forced to fit all kinds of scenarios that have blanks that are irrelevant to the projects I work on or support. When set up well, these can be useful, but that requires that the force be flexible enough to allow blanks or “n/a” or for fields to be omitted. Otherwise, everyone spends time chasing down useless information.

      Civil complaint cover sheets are one example. They will have fields relevant to every county or every district, when that information isn’t relevant everywhere. I have asked people who work in the courts, and they don’t know where the extra information goes.

      Reply ↓
    3. Kristin*

      Agreed, and I did have that conversation, several times. It had to do with the inner fears and anxieties of these colleagues, who admitted to me they micromanaged and interrogated in order that there be no surprises for them.
      Unfortunately, they fell back into this behavior time and again, and after hearing “But I’ve told you I’m controlling because my parents didn’t let me make a mistake” multiple times, I finally told my supervisor, “Hold up. This is how I expect you to treat me, and this is how I expect Fergus/Felicia to treat me, and when they don’t I want you to speak to them. And one more thing: I get it, been there, but no more blaming one’s parents. Adults. Workplace. Boundaries.”
      Having a union helped. Oh yes, they knew how many former staff had quit due to this treatment.

      Reply ↓
      1. anon for this*

        There is a manager in my workplace who uses his employees as anxiety outlets. When he’s having a bad day he likes to whip everyone into a state of anxiety, micromanage doubt into every interaction & workflow, catastrophize any human mistake/typo.
        Breaks my heart when his direct reports are treated like errant kindergarteners and still cover for him.

        Reply ↓
      2. 2 and a Possible*

        I cannot stress how much I don’t care your parents didn’t let you make a mistake. That does not justify using me as your emotional “dumping ground” (I am being polite using that term.

        Reply ↓
    4. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Yeah, I’ve got to wonder why these people are asking so many detailed questions. There may be a good reason – their own management is asking them the questions, a delay in the shipment will cause delays on their end, there is context the LW may be unaware of – or it may be more about discomfort with uncertainty. So approach the situation with as much genuine curiosity as possible to try to figure out where this is coming from. Although the LW should provide the information the colleagues need to the best of her ability, the same isn’t true of them demanding irrelevant information and taking up a bunch of her time.

      One option to consider is telling them only what is confirmed and when you expect to know more. So the first response would be something like “Yes, it’s on order. We expect to know the delivery date by the end of next week, and I’ll loop you in then.”

      Reply ↓
    5. Also-ADHD*

      I feel like if there’s something like this:

      >A: Sometime this week? Is there an issue I need to know about? On or about the 20th is typical delivery time. Is there an emergency?

      they were invited to share their need. And they refused and got snarky.

      Reply ↓
    6. Dust Bunny*

      I’m sure this is it, but if they can’t/don’t communicate what they actually want to know, they will never get an answer.

      [Long, dull backstory] we used to store a bunch of stuff for a different organization. it was organized and inventoried when they gave it to us, and it did not belong to us so we did not have the right to alter their system. They would call every other year or so–always a different person–and ask if we had it, were we doing anything with it, did we have plans to sort and inventory it, etc.??

      Yes, no, no, you organized it yourselves and we don’t have standing to alter your inventory. It’s safely on our shelves. You can come look at it any time you want. The inventory can be accessed online; it’s an OCR of the inventory you provided.

      I finally just told one of them that I felt like was missing a cue here and not giving them the answer they needed–what was it they really wanted to know?

      Nothing, they said; just that we had it and were we going to do anything with it.

      We finally gave it back and resolved the whole ridiculous situation, but I still have no idea what they wanted to know.

      Reply ↓
  15. GreenDoor*

    “You’re asking a lot of questions…what’s going on here?”
    It forces the other person to either think about how they’re coming across or verbally defend why they’re asking. Either way, you can then forcefully reiterate in a “this is final” tone “As I said before, once I have more information, I will let you know.” Then turn back to your work as a way of showing “we’re done here.”

    Reply ↓
  16. Burnt Out Librarian*

    My supervisor is the million-questions-a-minute person and it is 100% the last explanation– her supervisor used to be my supervisor and that elevation in position has turned former supervisor into an incredibly insecure, anxious, and crazy-making micromanager. It’s exhausting for all of us on my team.

    Reply ↓
  17. Venus*

    If this were to happen in my workplace, it would be in a situation where there is a huge impact of a delayed shipment that they are trying to protect me from. They don’t want to appear worried and they won’t say “Hey, that delivery you’re working on will impact A, B, and C if it’s even a day late”. In those situations I do exactly as AAM suggests, and respond “You’re asking about this often. Is there a problem if it’s late? If so then please let me know and I’ll ask them to send it a few days earlier or put a priority on it! Please share your worries so that I can more easily solve them.”

    Reply ↓
  18. Margaret Cavendish*

    I wonder if some of this is related to *gestures broadly at everything.* There’s so much chaos going on in the world right now, I expect a lot of people are feeling anxious and concerned that they don’t have enough information. And since they can’t control any of it, and they can’t directly question the president and his BFF, they’re latching on to something they feel like they *can* control.

    It doesn’t change the advice, of course – you should still be able to shut down this endless loop of questions. But whew, I have so much empathy for people who feel anxious and out of control these days!

    Reply ↓
    1. Polaris*

      Might be on to something here.

      I experienced similar for the first time during the pandemic. It wasn’t so much “discomfort and panic and trying to control something” though, it was more “well I don’t like your answer so I’m going to re-phrase if fifteen different ways until you change your answer because the answer I don’t like is a lie, I’m sure of it”.

      I did wind up explaining to the persons who did this that my answer was not going to change no matter how many times they asked and regardless of whether they’d determined it was a lie or not, it was the information at the time. (Sorry but when the client states “X, Y, and Z precautions will be taken or you won’t be permitted on site”, they don’t really care what you think about the efficacy of those precautions, or whether you think they don’t apply to you, or if you think A, B, and C are better. And nope, this did not pertain to vaccines, as that was a non-thing during these very frustrating conversations.)

      Reply ↓
      1. I'm great at doing stuff*

        My last job did this too, and it was nearly always because they didn’t like the answer and hoped a different one would emerge after asking it 15 different ways. It was so frustrating.

        Reply ↓
        1. Polaris*

          and I can definitely see the current state of chaos and anxiety creating a situation where “I’m going to ask you fifteen different ways because surely SOMEONE knows SOMETHING”.

          Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think you might be onto something. There’s an increasing lack of trust–and it’s complicated because sometimes that distrust is a rational response.

      I’ve noticed it as a theme in the shows I’ve watched lately–e.g. in Suspicion, which was about exposing lies, but also lying to do so, and the lies are okay if the goal is good but only for our side, and it missed that if everyone didn’t trust each other then they were unlikely to trust any new information, whether truth or lie–it would just matter whether it re-enforced or challenged their beliefs. (Lots of identifying the zeitgeist in these shows, a lot less successful demonstrating a way forward when trust has broken down.)

      Reply ↓
  19. Maude*

    OMG. Does my mother work there? I have this same conversation about a variety of subjects on our weekly call. I can’t imagine dealing with this at work too.

    Reply ↓
    1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Are we siblings? The number of times I’ve had the conversation with my mom where a basic comment like “Cousin Itt posted on Facebook they has a new job” brings a thousand follow up questions about where are they working (Its didn’t give specifics), will they have to move (I have no idea), why did they leave their old job (I don’t have any more information than the single sentence about the new job on Facebook), were they fired (I don’t know – you’ll have to ask them).

      Reply ↓
      1. Not The Earliest Bird*

        My mother called me on Christmas to ask me who was in a picture on a random far-flung relative’s Facebook, and did I know who those people were? No, I do not, and I barely know who the relative is to be honest, since it’s her cousin, not mine.

        Reply ↓
  20. Bookworm*

    I’m getting a TON of this right now. As a customs broker, all the tariff whiplash is making my job very difficult and stressful. Coworkers are wanting definite information about tariff increases I do NOT have, such as things announced, but no concrete info (such as with the reciprocal tariffs talked about). I tell them to have the customers come to me directly.

    Reply ↓
    1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

      I used to work in freight broker (thankfully, not customs) and boy howdy, some people have really intriguing ideas about how quickly freight can move- especially if it’s NOT going by air. I didn’t do air freight, just truck and very rarely rail, but people seemed to think time and space were bendable and they could get their product *right now* regardless of things like DOT rest laws, traffic, other business’ operation hours, etc. I can’t tell you the amount of times I had to say, “Calling the driver again is going to make him later- he should be talking and driving and should pull over if he answers, so, do you really want me to call him?” Just in time production sounds great, in theory, until reality sets in.

      Reply ↓
      1. Chirpy*

        I deal with customers at work who think I can scan an item and get…I don’t know, down-to-the-minute tracking on when it will be here? My manager’s manager doesn’t even get that info!

        Customers also don’t understand that even though the distribution center is only a few hours away, we may not get the item for a week or two- there’s thousands of products, dozens of stores, and that’s a lot of trucks to coordinate, pallets to load, and manifests to fulfill (plus whatever was in line to ship before that one thing they’re looking for. )

        Reply ↓
        1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

          I will say that I turned into one of those people when I ordered a new stove (pre-Covid and all the supply chain issues) and Lowe’s said it was in stock, but it would be 6 weeks for delivery. I blinked and asked, “Is it on this continent? SIX WEEKS?! What is the transport system that it’s ‘in stock’ but it’s taking six weeks?” I kind of genuinely wanted to know. Spoilers: I did not find out; it ended up being more than six weeks and the new stove was broken when I came, so it was even MORE weeks after that…I digress a lot.

          There are some people who just don’t understand that there are a lot of cogs in the wheel- or that there’s more than one wheel and an awful lot of cogs…

          Reply ↓
  21. Eldritch Office Worker*

    Honestly this is so normal when you work in any kind of operations role. Not everyone is like this but anywhere you work there will be a few of these.

    Reply ↓
    1. Viki*

      Yeah, I was going to say…that if I got a status update that didn’t include the bottleneck/approver I would have to ask those questions.

      Reply ↓
  22. Angstrom*

    Sounds like a lack of trust issue. Someone before you/someone else couldn’t be trusted when they said “I’m handling it” or I’ll let you know”, and you’re paying the price.

    Reply ↓
    1. Burnt Out Librarian*

      This! We have a micromanager in admin who is 100% not willing to trust us at all, despite the fact that we do great work and are all experienced professionals with advanced degrees. It’s honestly really ruining my experience at my job because I feel undermined, disrespected, and patronized at every turn. I’m a professional with a decade of experience and a Master’s degree, but apparently I need to be managed like an elementary schooler. /eyeroll

      Reply ↓
  23. Ellis Bell*

    This is a question for OP; you say this is happening with multiple people, but are they A) quizzing you on multiple topics or B) just on this one issue of confirmed delivery dates? If it’s A), well that’s a weird habit, and interrogative, hostile styles of communication are being nurtured at your company somehow. I would probably volunteer less procedural information for them to nitpick, or just blandly summarise something by when it will definitely happen a la the Scotty Rule in Star Trek and just say “Oh, it’s expected to be here before the 30th”. If however it’s B, I think it’s worth investigating down the chain what happens when people can’t rely on a firm date for this wool. Is it causing the kind of issue where you actually need to pay for a specific delivery day upon ordering? Keep a fully stocked supply of wool so it’s there when people need it? Have it explained on high why some uncertainty is part of the business model?

    Reply ↓
    1. L*

      Yes, I agree with this.

      My thought was, the letter writer genuinely doesn’t have a confirmed date, but the people who depend on the delivery really need a confirmed date in order to complete their job, and there are real business impacts if it’s late. So to letter writer, it comes off unreasonably annoying, but these people are trying to get across (ineffectively and not in the best way), that someone really needs to figure out a way to confirm the date, rather than just accepting that “there is no confirmed date.” I’d suggest hopping on the phone rather than email to sort out what is really happening here.

      While hopefully I don’t communicate the way these people do, I have definitely been in frustrating situations where coworkers in other departments were way too lax about things and just saying “it will be done when it’s done, and that’s always been and always will be the process,” without understanding the impact on people down the line in the process or being willing to challenge the existing process. I wonder if someone like that is happening here (though again, communication here has been pretty bad if that’s the case),

      Reply ↓
      1. HalJordan*

        Right, but OP also said the freight forwarder will confirm the date before the date, and just doesn’t yet know when they will be able to confirm.

        If the interrogator needs it confirmed today, they can say, “This is critical for my workflow. Is there any way you can get a confirmed date by The 14th?” and then OP can say, “I will call and see what can be done.” Repeating “we should confirm this date” when OP knows that and that’s already planned is not going to get the interrogator anywhere.

        If the interrogator needs to confirm the date by which the delivery date will be confirmed, fine, though my goodness, but then they need to use their words about it

        Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      This could well be a case where one part of the bureaucracy came up with a system that rests on knowing absolutely what the weather would be on April 18th, and they have identified OP as the secret holder of the correct and exact information about the weather on that date. Even though OP doesn’t know, and doesn’t have a way to know.

      … Typing this out, it sounds disturbingly like a lot of other conspiracy theories.

      A point made in Nexus (book on information networks) is that bureaucracy is always inscrutable to anyone outside a specific bureaucracy. I feel like I encounter a lot of reminders of that of late, that people don’t understand the systems around themselves, and don’t feel like they can. Like maybe the number of impenetrable bureaucratic systems around ourselves has passed some critical level of frustration?

      Reply ↓
  24. Anonymouse*

    Commenting from the other side and please note this 1000% reflects my personal bias and recent experience:

    We have a co-worker who is stingy and defensive when asked to share information that impacts our ability to do our jobs.

    Yes, I understand you run the making of the teapots. I don’t want to make the teapots, happy to leave that to you because you are the best at it. BUT. If you don’t tell me when they will be ready I can’t publicize that the teapots are for sale. And if you withhold that there has been a glitch in the teapot production and how said glitch will impact the final supply of teapots, it impacts my ability to do my job in a way that makes people mad at ME.

    The rest of us ask questions with follow-up because that gets us information we need to do our work.

    If many people are taking this tone with you, it might be worth asking whether you are hoarding information or behaving in a way that leads to that perception.

    Reply ↓
    1. There Will Be Cats*

      I sometimes feel like the Questioner in this scenario, and it’s because I’m dealing with a department (okay, Legal) who has processes and workflows that I don’t know about but they seem to assume I do. When I ask questions like this, it’s to feel out what I don’t know so I won’t be blindsided at the next step where they ask for yet another thing that nobody had told me was needed.
      Yes, I have tried to ask for a description of the process up front, but, again, they seem to assume I know the details and will give me just big picture steps, but it’s the details that trip us up and take forever because no one told me this step would need me to gather paperwork that I could have started weeks back but will now take more weeks.

      Reply ↓
      1. Venus*

        I love our legal folks, but developing an estimate on when they will have finished a review of a contract feels a bit like alchemy. It doesn’t help that their priorities can shift unexpectedly. I always felt badly for them, though I’m glad that I only had to ask for their help a couple times.

        Reply ↓
    2. Bacu1a*

      Agreed! I’m in a similar situation, where the co-worker isn’t stingy but not the best fit for their job. So I have to get into this level of detail with them (just them) to make sure that projects that are due get completed. It’s absolutely draining for me (and them too I’m sure).

      So I also wonder how much the LW is contributing to their own situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Viki*

        Yeah, like from below, I need to know that information, such as confirmed date, who confirms it, if it’s delayed, what is the cause, and who owns that bottleneck. I would need to know more, and it’s understandable if you don’t know the details I would need, but I do need those questions and no one like prying those out.

        Reply ↓
      2. Elbe*

        Yeah, requesting this level of detailed information for an on-time shipment really seems like this person is doubting the LW’s ability to do the job properly. But unless there have been issues in the past, it seems very mean spirited. The default assumption really should be that the person in charge of shipping/receiving can managing shipping/receiving.

        If this is happening with multiple people, the LW should talk to her boss to see if there is any explanation for this that they know of.

        Reply ↓
    3. Llellayena*

      I understand this because I chase info that comes in dribbles too (in the middle of one email round of that now). However, after round 1 where I only get partial info I send back an email with a question for everything I need to know AND and explanation of what effect not having the info has on my work. If I still get an “I don’t have that yet but I’ll know in a few days” I accept that delay, set my question aside for a few days plus one and only then reach out again. That’s the part that the LW is complaining about. Their coworkers keep badgering for info even after they state “I don’t know for sure but I WILL know in a few days and you’ll know when I know”. When they keep asking for the info that LW doesn’t have it’s like squeezing blood from a stone, there’s nothing there to get and it’s just annoying to the stone.

      Reply ↓
    4. constant_craving*

      But LW clearly isn’t withholding information in this exchange, so it doesn’t sound like the situation you’re describing at all.

      Reply ↓
      1. PlainJane*

        But there may have been someone there previously who did this, so it became part of the team culture. Or maybe the deliveries have slowed down from what they used to be and it’s making everyone nervous. Is it a new company that they’re ordering from where they don’t know what to expect?

        I think the general idea of being transparent about this like this is probably the best way to deal with it. Maybe even have a board in a common area tracking orders and deliveries. That way, if someone is working on the tail ribbon project and getting anxious about the deadline, since the red dye hasn’t come in yet, she can check the board and see, “Oh, that order only went through three days ago” or “Oh, no, we’re way past the estimated date, maybe we need to check on it” without asking a ton of frustrated questions.

        Reply ↓
        1. PlainJane*

          :sheepish:

          Or, you know, joining the whole 21st century thing, a spreadsheet that everyone can access with this information, instead of a board. Lock it so only the person who manages can change it, but everyone can see it.

          Reply ↓
          1. not nice, don't care*

            I thought this would solve a similar problem I was having, but if you think people don’t read emails, they really don’t bother to click on and parse a spreadsheet.

            Reply ↓
    5. iglwif*

      We have a co-worker who is stingy and defensive when asked to share information that impacts our ability to do our jobs.

      I have worked with someone like this — someone for whom holding onto information gave her a sense of power, and she didn’t want to let go of any of that power — and it sucks. But that doesn’t seem at all like what OP is describing, which is more like “I do not have more information at this time, but people keep pestering me for the more information I do not currently have”.

      I do wonder whether a previous person in OP’s role had information-hoarding tendencies, though …

      Reply ↓
  25. Andrea*

    Something else to consider is that they may have somehow developed the idea that you are adversaries — for example, your job is to maintain performance, which can increase costs, while theirs is to reduce costs, which can impact performance — and therefore of COURSE you’re not going to openly share information with them. I deal with this frequently with a bunch of people at my job (not on my team, but all from the same team).

    In any case I have found that Alison’s advice to share as much as I can up front usually provides them with some peace of mind, and then “anything unusual I should factor in?” works as a follow-up if they keep it up.

    Reply ↓
  26. NotARealManager*

    Is your co-worker my 7yo?

    Seriously though, I’ve also had managers like this and mostly defaulted Alison’s first suggestion even though some of the information I provided felt like it should go without saying (like an estimated ship date is estimated until it is confirmed and that’s a very normal way to do business and the way language works).

    Reply ↓
  27. Statler von Waldorf*

    Am I the only one who thinks this feels like a setup? There’s a lot of subtle digs about the LW’s competency in that exchange, not even counting the obvious one at the end, and to me this just screams “underhanded office politics.”

    A lot of other people here are advising to be even more open, and I don’t agree. I’d be looping my boss in and getting clarification on how much information and time I should be providing to my co-workers, because when someone is gunning for me I don’t want to give them more ammo to use.

    Reply ↓
    1. London Calling*

      Yeah, the last comment about ‘you do know, you just don’t want to share it!’ is very much designed to put LW in the wrong so the interrogator can go running to a manager with the ‘I asked her and I know she has the information but she won’t tell me and I need to know!’ and probably means the LW has to go through the whole exhausting discussion again – because how do you rebut a comment like that and defend yourself?

      That, or LW is working with fifteen year olds.

      (Having said that, I did work with someone who played exactly that little power game – giving you half the information you needed so you’d have to go back and persuade him to cough up the rest)

      Reply ↓
    2. Sparkles McFadden*

      I experienced this when we were expecting layoffs or when we had a regime change. Suddenly, a lot of people became very concerned with finding fault with other people’s work.

      Reply ↓
  28. Carol the happy*

    I just came up against a response I’m going to steal and use. It involves a sheet of paper on the front door, but modifying is easy.

    Context: A company called Big Lots is closing all of the stores. Sad, because I’ve shopped in that building since I was a poverty-stricken college student, and I’ll miss it.

    On the notice, it essentially says:

    “Yes, we’re going out of business.
    No, we don’t answer the phone.
    Yes, we’re sad. (No, there isn’t a job fair to find other work.)
    Yes, we are discounting everything but the shelving and fixtures.
    No, we can’t honor coupons and gift cards after XX-XX-2025.
    No, we cannot accept returns.
    No, we can’t tell you what we have left in stock; it changes hourly!
    Yes, the prices are firm and we can’t bargain.

    And finally, No, we don’t know what the last day will be, because nobody has told us, we’re just workers who were happy to serve you and hope we can all find good jobs after this.

    Sigh….

    Reply ↓
    1. Ally McBeal*

      Well, this assumes that said patrons are both able and willing to read a sign ;)

      I once worked at a box office for a regional theatre company, and during one particularly popular show actually started keeping track of the number of patrons who passed no fewer than 3 “SOLD OUT TONIGHT” signs and stood in a long line just to ask “do you have any tickets remaining for tonight?”

      Reply ↓
    2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      NO JOKE. I was in a Big Lots with 11 year old nephew last Sunday. Waiting in checkout line, there’s a corral with row of 5 cashiers. Each one answering this list of questions. One staffer complimented my nephew on his necktie (it’s his jam this month). I told him, keep talking so that she gets a break from people asking about the store!

      Reply ↓
  29. I'm great at doing stuff*

    UGH do you work at my last job? This happened *a lot.* Me and another coworker called it the “round and round.” For them it was more that it was unacceptable to not know something and they thought they could get a different answer by asking a million questions or asking the same question in a myriad of ways. Back then I didn’t have the moxie to shut it down…I would now.

    I don’t miss this.

    Reply ↓
  30. Poison I.V. drip*

    I think part of the problem is the OP keeps trying to provide actual good-faith answers, rather than saying “I don’t know and I really need you to stop this.” Because some of those aren’t actual questions, they’re barbs and insults, and they don’t deserve a good faith attempt at providing an answer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pay no attention...*

      I agree. On the third question I would stop responding. At that point they have been told you don’t have the information, you will let them know as soon as you do, and who you are waiting for to get the information. All bases have been covered. Obviously this depends on whether your boss will have your back if they escalate it, but I wouldn’t become more helpful because now they have positive reinforcement that being rude gets results. And as soon as OP finally gives them the info, they shout “SEE! I KNEW YOU HAD IT.”

      Reply ↓
    2. froodle*

      This was also my (admittedly very ungenerous and heavily framed by my own experiences) take on it:

      OP is answering these questions on the basis that the asker is a reasonable person of average intelligence genuinely seeking information

      But some of those askers are unreasonable buffoons wanting to whinge it up and throw a tantrum

      Of course the issue here is that you might not know at the start which situation you’re dealing with, and regardless, you’re likely to get better results if you start out assuming the first one

      (or at least pretending you’re assuming the first one if it’s a repeat offender who has already proven themselves guilty of Buffoonery and Whingism and you think they’re going for yet another unwanted encore)

      Reply ↓
  31. A Book about Metals*

    It seems very strange that this is happening out of the blue all of a sudden, and with multiple coworkers. I wonder if there’s more context that LW isn’t privy to b/c otherwise it makes no sense

    Reply ↓
  32. cat herder*

    I give you carte blanche to “per my previous email” them into submission (yes, I think that phrase is a verb now). Feel free to passive-aggressively highlight your answers to questions that have already been asked and answered. People like this are absolutely maddening.

    Reply ↓
  33. tango*

    I have to agree with those saying that it seems like there is some unaddressed issue or question here that the person isn’t expressing well. They have fixated on the idea that getting x information out of you will solve whatever issue they are having, so they refuse to process the fact that you can’t give them x information.

    You shouldn’t HAVE to play detective, but I think you do need to keep digging with people like this to get them to stop annoying you. I run into this problem a fair amount in customer service – someone figures out a whole plan in their head on how to resolve an issue, then they call in and speak to me and don’t provide me any of the necessary context. This leads to a situation where we go around in circles, sometimes with them getting very frustrated at my inability to do certain things that they have decided MUST be the solution. Eventually, I can usually get to the bottom of their situation and realize that by working collaboratively there is a simple solution that they don’t know about.

    I mean, it’s possible these people are just going to be hostile no matter what, but I have a feeling they are maybe just being a little stubborn or defensive because they have mentally backed themselves into a corner, possibly because of a work environment that discourages open collaboration and discussing issues.

    Reply ↓
    1. tango*

      ETA obviously this doesn’t excuse them being accusatory about your competence, LW – if it’s truly multiple people across more than one department doing this, I would be concerned about that pattern. Not sure how it would change my advice, but if they are under a lot of pressure and/or passing along the heat from their own annoying manager, it’s still not cool to make it your problem like this.

      Reply ↓
  34. Muddled Mainframer*

    On my team, this sort of thing leads to us becoming broken records and reiterating that we’re not the ones who actually set the dates or make the decisions, we’re just the middle man. The phrase, “Right now I have as much information about this as you do” gets used a lot.

    It does seem like something else is going on here though, sounds like multiple people not trusting OP’s answers. Like others here, I wonder if someone is sabotaging or badmouthing OP unbeknownst to them.

    Reply ↓
  35. Viki*

    I feel so conflicted about this, because partially this isn’t a really great status update for me/my department.

    I understand that this is a lot, and the last bit is completely unacceptable but getting

    “Q: Hey, are we getting in the combination llama/alpaca wool?
    A: I don’t have a date yet, I’m hoping for the 20th.”

    I would need more information, such as why it was delayed if known, and if not known what is the bottleneck and who owns that bottleneck. I would have to ask those questions, because I can’t just go back to my boss and saying “soso is waiting for confirmation, expectation is the 20th”, when something is out of SLA.

    I generally do need all of those details, and if someone is rather short with the answers, I (or my team) has to press with it. In probably what feels like death like a thousand questions

    I sympathize and do agree the last bit is inappropriate, but if multiple people are doing this to you, I would suggest perhaps that the best way would being more upfront with the delays/owner groups etc if you find there’s a pattern to the requests.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bobina*

      Interesting because as someone who also deals with SLAs I’d say that the problem is a lack of clarity in your ask. As a couple of other people have said, if you have a *different* question than just, “is X expected?” I’d say thats on you to put in the request. In your scenario my question would be like:

      We’re expecting the Alpaca wool to be delivered by the 20th, has the vendor confirmed this date? If not, let me know who can confirm if any delays are expected as 0therwise it will impact our SLAs for project Y.

      Boom, OP can then say either yes or no, share that the vendor (or other) is the bottleneck and also knows *why* you care about this (to help guide any further interactions).

      Reply ↓
      1. Viki*

        Oh yeah, ideally that’s how I would word it, assuming I have all the other information there. It’s also what I would expect of my reports.

        I, however am under no illusions that someone just asks “: Hey, are we getting in the combination llama/alpaca wool?”, which is yes a bad question, and would and do tell my reports to make sure their teams ask more directly, but also that the Answer-er should be more forth coming with those answers, especially if they’re noticing a pattern

        Reply ↓
    2. HB*

      But you’re adding additional context: the order *should* be in, but isn’t, and is therefore delayed. That’s not present in the original exchange. In fact the LW says that the company isn’t late which means that as far as they know, everything is proceeding as normal.

      In your scenario, your second question would probably be along the lines of “I thought were were supposed to receive it by [Today/the 15th/whatever] – do you know what happened?” You wouldn’t hound them just to to try to figure out why an expected date isn’t the same thing as a confirmed date as that information doesn’t actually do anything for you.

      Reply ↓
    3. Silver Robin*

      Except LW did give that information within the first 4 questions: the expected date is the 20th, the vendor needs to officially confirm and has not yet, but has confirmed in the past.

      And as we find out later in the exchange, there are no delays yet! Everything is going as it usually does; nothing has happened to imply that there even will be a delay, the only thing missing is that a (historically reliable) vendor has yet to send their confirmation but they are still within their usual confirmation sending window. So your situation where something is “out of SLA” (which I assume means something is outside the original plan/late/time crunch) is not applicable here. And if it were, your question includes no info to explain that there is any urgency or specific context.

      If you have urgency, then say so in your question and have a dialogue that looks like this
      Q: Hey we are crunched on XYZ and need a confirmed date for the delivery; have you gotten a firm date yet?”

      A: Yes, the vendor confirmed this morning that it will be the 20th. OR. No, the vendor has not confirmed, but they usually do so by the end of the week. Their estimated delivery is the 20th and they have never had delays before.

      Q: would you be able to reach out to them today and see if you can get a confirmation sooner? The date influences how we do XYZ and we have to make decisions about that tomorrow.

      A: yeah sure, let me give them a call and get back to you

      Et voila! Maximum 2 questions, maximum 2 answers, and LW does not feel like they are getting interrogated.

      Reply ↓
      1. Allonge*

        Yes – ask the question you want answered.

        Explain what your actual issue is and ask for help in resolving it, not play twenty questions and get more and more frustrated that the other party does not guess your motivation.

        Reply ↓
      2. Kevin Sours*

        SLA stands for “Service Level Agreement”. It’s more than just a plan it’s something of firm commitment, though I usually see the term used internally. Ironically the intention is to *avoid* this kind of nonsense by setting up predetermined schedules — so for instance if an IT request has an SLA or a week but is usually turned around in a day or two people aren’t supposed to start chirping if things are busy and nobody has looked at it in four days.

        It sounds like the vendor has confirmed delivery in the past but is under no obligation to do so and people are getting cranky even though vendor is still well within compliance with their actual comittments.

        Reply ↓
        1. Silver Robin*

          thanks for the explanation, that makes a lot of sense! And yeah, it does not sound like the vendor is not meeting expectations, but rather that the coworkers want more than they usually provide.

          Reply ↓
    4. Kevin Sours*

      The thing here is that the vendor appears to be entirely within their SLA. OP says it’s not delayed nor is there any indication is out of compliance. The asker appears to want greater precision than the vendor is obligated to provide. It’s more akin to somebody pestering you about when something is going to be done a day into your week long SLA.

      I strongly suspect the issue is that people want some guarantees so they can schedule stuff on the 21st but they don’t want to pay what it would take for the vendor to contractually provide said guarantees.

      Reply ↓
    5. iglwif*

      Okay, valid, but where in the letter are you getting the information that the delivery date is out of SLA?

      The delivery is explicitly not late. The vendor just hasn’t yet nailed down the exact delivery date — and it sounds like that is SOP (maybe for this vendor, maybe for vendors in general).

      OP gives the asker all the info she has, and confirms she will pass along new info as soon as she has it.

      Like, clearly something is going on here, and I would certainly advise OP to start out by providing as much info as humanly possible and to allow no more than 2 rounds before saying “You seem to be really concerned about this delivery date, is there some unusual context I’m not aware of that makes knowing the exact date urgent in this case?” But I think the “pattern to the requests” is that people are being jerks to OP, and the question isn’t so much “What is OP doing wrong?” as “What unknown factor is motivating them to do this?”

      Reply ↓
  36. FormerLibrarian*

    If you’re in a position to, (and I recognize not everyone is,) start ignoring the followups and act like *of course* this conversation is over. It wouldn’t be out of line to stop the interaction after “It should be around the 20th, we’re just waiting on confirmation from the vendor.”

    Reply ↓
  37. I dream of rain*

    I like the fact that it treats the person as if “it COURSE you must have additional context and special needs for you to be asking such unusual questions”. It shifts the narrative from them implying you’re incompetent (or something?) and calls their bluff, but in a dignified way … I guess basically it’s you calling them in.

    You’re treating them with respect as if you are sure that of course they’d never do something like that just to be rude, so they must have a good reason, and you’re not even defensive, you’re offering normal levels of detail and are curious about their response. You remain equals.

    You end up being like the owner in this AAM story (I’ll post the link in a separate comment):

    One of the very well-paid senior employees took an entire tray of meatballs and an entire tray of pasta off of the buffet line, after the managers/seniors went, but before any of the other employees, who had to take a slightly later lunch that day.

    When called on it, he said that he needed it to feed his kids for the week – and the owner said if the only way he could feed his children was by stealing from his job and taking food from lower-paid employees, he was welcome to it. But the owner would be accompanying him to the food stamp office to apply or reporting him to CPS if he refused, because feeding his children should be his first priority and if his children could only be fed by stealing, that wasn’t something that could be ignored.

    Reply ↓
    2. I dream of rain*

      And in case they actually do have a good reason for asking, it makes you save face!

      And in an elegant way, it helps them save face too.

      Reply ↓
  38. RCB*

    There is a scene, I think from the West Wing, where someone answers something along the lines of “I have no new information from when you asked me 5 seconds ago” and I’ve always found it to be pretty effective at shutting down these annoying back and forth exchanges. You asked, I answered, asking me again immediately does not produce different answers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mrs. Marmalade*

      That only works if the person is repeatedly asking the same question. She isn’t. Annyoying as it may be, she is at least asking a series of what are distinct questions.

      Reply ↓
  39. Former claims adjuster*

    I had to deal with this kind of thing from customers in an old job. I tended to have good success with “I want to be able to tell you xyz/what will happen, but that answer doesn’t exist yet. We’ll be able to know xyz once (insert event) happens.”

    ‘The answer doesn’t exist yet’ was the key part of that phrase. It kind of shut down that suspicion that I was just hoarding the answer or not being helpful and made it clear that there was really no way to know yet.

    Reply ↓
  40. Am I old now?*

    I’ve faced questions like this from employees who are new to the workforce in particular (though generally without the added snark) because they genuinely seem to think there is an exact answer to their question. From my perspective it seems to be discomfort with the idea that sometimes the answer is I don’t know (or I don’t know yet) and you have to operate without knowing the answer yet.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grey Coder*

      Yes, I think a lot of people have a low tolerance for uncertainty. I have been in a number of situations (re-orgs, acquisitions, etc) where people really want there to be a fully thought out detailed plan, and usually there just isn’t. I get that people want certainty when they are stressed or under pressure, but sometimes that certainty is not available.

      Reply ↓
      1. not nice, don't care*

        Most people rightfully expect certainty when it involves their income disappearing. People responsible for making someone’s income disappear deserve a heapin helpin of karma for ruining lives without a fully thought out detailed plan.

        Reply ↓
  41. HB*

    Big ditto to Alison. I don’t experience this exact thing at work, but I experience something somewhat similar and it’s caused by a gap in understanding with respect to process.

    I’m extrapolating a lot from your questions, and I could be wildly off base, but my guess is that your process is something like:

    1) Order is placed. At the time of order, you are given an expected delivery date of X.
    2) Some number of days before X, you receive confirmation from company of delivery date which may be X, or some other date.
    3) If no confirmation of delivery or actual delivery arrives by X, you follow up.

    From the coworker’s perspective, he probably thinks the process is:

    1) Order is placed, and delivery date is confirmed to be X.

    This is probably exacerbated by Coworker’s personal experience of ordering something and getting delivery/shipping confirmation with a tracking number and a link he can click to follow their Amazon driver around on a map.

    Reply ↓
    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      This was my thought too. Like have these coworkers never ordered anything before?

      If there are multiple people doing this (like it seems to be) I wonder if OP could do something ahead of time. Like once the order is placed she shares with them the email from the company stating estimated date. Or maybe they just don’t know the process and it could be helpful for them to know the steps.

      Reply ↓
  42. tk*

    I wonder if the people doing this placed their orders later than they should have and are badgering op because they’re up against a deadline, but won’t provide that context because they don’t want to admit that it’s their own fault. Either way though, that’s really annoying.

    Reply ↓
  43. Raida*

    You asked me a question, I’ve told you a guide to when I’ll be able to provide the answer. That is all.
    I’m going to get back on with my work. Unless you think I’m incompetent, stupid, or lying…?

    people back WAY the F off when the options are “insult me, insult me, insult me, or walk away.”

    Reply ↓
  44. notagirlengineer*

    after a few rounds of this kind of stuff, I’d be confidently staying, “The delivery is expected by the 22nd.”

    Reply ↓
  45. Morgan*

    So I agree that Q here is being weirdly accusatory and nitpicky. That said, there’s a part where I’m kind of on their side (note: I’m coming at this from the perspective of a software engineer who works in testing, so figuring out how a process might go wrong and what the boundary conditions are is an ingrained habit):

    Q: So is the 21st considered late?
    A: What?
    Q: You said on or about the 20th. When do you get late? When do you start asking questions?
    A: I don’t know.     We’ve never had issues with this company.
    Q: We need to get the date confirmed.
    A: I agree. It should happen this week.
    Q: When this week?

    To me this sounds like someone saying “you’re telling me how it’ll go if there are no problems. If there is a problem, what’s the process for identifying that, how soon will we know, and how soon will we have a fix for it?”

    I can easily picture Q wanting to know “when can we count on this order arriving? Okay, we don’t have a firm delivery date yet – when will we have a firm delivery date? What’s the latest it might arrive, and what’s the latest that will be confirmed? Is there a time by which, if I haven’t gotten confirmation, I should chase someone about it? Who should I chase?”

    I don’t know why they’re being so weird about it (and I do agree they’re being weird and kind of a jerk), but I don’t think the desire to know is weird. I don’t think the question even needs to be an important one for an insufficiently clear answer to drive continued questioning as they might find themselves thinking “hang on, why is this process seemingly so fuzzy?” In particular, the part where you don’t have an answer to when you would take additional steps if there’s an issue would trip danger flags for me.

    Now, if this is the issue, they could be communicating it a lot more clearly and a lot less adversarially. I’m talking about this concrete example (which may not be real), and I don’t know whether the other cases you’re dealing with resemble it much. Still, it may be a useful perspective.

    Reply ↓
    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      You make a great point. Especially the “I don’t know” and “we’ve never had issues before” answers. Some people need to or feel like they need to have a plan. Maybe it’s because they are on a tight deadline and if the product comes in later then expected they can’t do their job, or they miss a deliverable or something.
      So them asking is the 21st late they are asking, when do you start to worry about this not coming in. My job depends on this.

      Reply ↓
      1. Allonge*

        Maybe it’s because they are on a tight deadline and if the product comes in later then expected they can’t do their job, or they miss a deliverable or something.

        Sure, these people exist (a lot of us). Most of us manage to figure out that explaining this works better than asking two dozen questions about how OP knows exactly when the delivery will take place and how important they consider it to be that it be on time etc.

        Reply ↓
    2. Elbe*

      I agree here. Until the last little parting insult, I could kind of see where the coworker is coming from and it seemed like mismatched expectations and poor communication.

      What they seem to be driving at is, “Please assure me that there is process in place should the delivery encounter issues.” If there haven’t been any problems, I can see how insulting it would be to have to provide that level of detail just to assure someone that you can actually do your job.

      The coworker is in the wrong for making the LW answer to them instead of just saying, “Is there process in place to catch and manage late deliveries? Great. I’ll leave you to it then.” But the LW is also not really doing anything to head this off by being forthcoming or giving answers that would inspire confidence. Even if there’s no formal process in place, the LW could give general time ranges for communication and a hypothetical “this is how I would handle a late delivery” summary.

      Reply ↓
  46. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I think part of the issue is that the OP is more reacting to the questions. I’d start asking sooner if there’s an issue. “you’ve asked for confirmation or if there’s problems. The standard proceedure with the freight forwarder is they confirm at X time and will let us know if there are any problems. Is there something I’m not aware of that’s causing anxiety about this order.

    Also, maybe be more clear. I bet these are people who don’t like “I don’t know” as an answer. so if they ask if its a supplier or provider say: There’s no issues that X has made me aware of. They are very good and communicating with us. If anything changes you will be the first one to know.

    Also to make it clearer, instead of saying by the 20th say “Confirmation from the freight forwarder is confirmed 1 week [or whatever time] before the estimated delivery date. If there’s an issue on their end they let us know and I will pass information on. I expect to get confirmation by end of day Friday. If I don’t I will investigate and follow up with the appropriate people.

    Reply ↓
  47. Harper*

    OP, is there any chance you have a habit of being too vague or providing the bare minimum information needed? Are you actively following up on things, or waiting until other people push you to? If more than one person feels the need to pepper you with questions asking for additional details, my gut feel is that you’re generally not giving people enough info up front. My other thought is that if you’re being vague or dismissive, they may get the impression that you’re not actively engaged or not really on top of things, so they’re asking tons of clarifying questions to ensure the bases are covered. If it was one person, OK, they’re a micromanager or control freak. If it’s a lot of people, I think you may need to reflect on your habits and communication style and see if there’s something there.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      This is my take too. A is reading as someone who isn’t trying to be particularly helpful in their responses. Particularly this part of the exchange stands out to me:

      “Q: Is it their provider?
      A: I don’t know.
      Q: Is it their supplier?
      A: I don’t know.
      Q: Is the problem the llama wool or the alpaca wool?
      A: I don’t know.
      Q: Shouldn’t you know?
      A: There’s no problem that I am aware of. The company is not late. They said on or about the 20th. If it turns out it’s late, they’ll tell me then what the issue is.”

      Why did it take 4 questions from Q to get to the last answer? The minute Q asked “is it their provider”, there was plenty of context clues that Q was asking if there was an issue to be aware of and plenty of opportunity for A to respond that there was no issue to their knowledge.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elbe*

        Agreed. There is ineffective communication all over the place. It’s clear that Q is not framing the questions correctly, and instead of addressing the underlying problem, A is answering the questions literally in most case.

        In situations like this, it is 100% okay to answer the question that was implied rather than the one that as actually asked.

        Q: Why can’t they confirm it now?
        Q is framing this as a can’t but the reality is that they just won’t – because it’s not expected of them. “I don’t know why they can’t confirm it now” maybe be an accurate answer to the question that was asked, but “They are not expected to confirm it now. We expect confirmation 2-3 days before the expected receiving date.” is a much better answer in this context.

        Reply ↓
      2. Silver Robin*

        but why is Q asking all these details? A already said they are waiting on the confirmation and will update when they get it. Why is Q drilling down into all the particulars of this to begin with? I would be tearing out my hair wondering why I am getting micromanaged when I already gave the expected delivery date and explained that there will be an update as soon as I get one.

        This reads to me like A hoping that each tiny question is the last one and if they can just give Q the answer then Q might finally leave them the hell alone, but instead the interrogation continues with added slights and snark. The lesson is to give Q a standard answer in the first place and then grey rock/ignore/refer back to that answer every time. But I just cannot give A that much flack for this because Q is being ridiculous

        Reply ↓
  48. Susie and Elaine Problem*

    This sounds like a lot of conversations I have with my husband. It always feels like I’m giving a deposition. And I swear the smaller the thing, the bigger the deal he makes out of it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pocket Mouse*

      Respectfully, if the “this sounds like the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg” comments also resonate for you about your relationship with your husband… just like with work advice, the next logical step is to try to get out.

      Reply ↓
  49. Still*

    YMMV but my first instinct is to treat this as if they’re offering their help with troubleshooting the issue. Thank them and change the subject. Project a “you’re so sweet to worry but let’s not take up everyone’s precious time” kind of a vibe.

    So as soon as we start getting into unnecessary details:

    “Who needs to confirm it?”
    “Oh, that’s all right, we don’t need to go into the details right now. I have it covered! Let’s move onto Change Of Subject…”

    And then if they come back with more questions: “Thank you, but we’re right on schedule. I’ll let you know if there are any concerns!”

    So instead of responding to the questions, respond to the general worry that something isn’t as it should. (Obviously not if somebody really needs three information, just if they’re trying to micromanage your job.)

    And if they really persist: “You seem really worried about it, is there something wrong that I should know about?”

    Reply ↓
    1. Still*

      Just wanted to add, I feel like “I don’t know” is a perfectly reasonable answer when somebody’s asking about irrelevant details… but it’s not coming across as if you have the situation under control. I think the main thing to get across is “I’ve got it, it’s going to get done on time and you have nothing to worry about”.

      Reply ↓
  50. Tights*

    Good grief. Just say “February 20th, I’ll let you know if anything changes” and move on. No point in trying to calm the uncalmable.

    Reply ↓
  52. Cabbagepants*

    Possibly heresy but I think the problem is you’re giving too much information! I guess you’re trying to share the whole picture, but when you bring up that you’re waiting for confirmation, any anxious or micromanagement person is going to latch on. “ETA continues to be this Monday” is all they need! Read about “downspeak” and make sure to practice that to signal that you’re confident and in control.

    Reply ↓
    1. Saturday*

      I feel like there might be room to improve on word choice. I can see where, “I’m hoping for the 20th” seems awfully tentative. (Is there anything to back up that “hope”?)

      I like your “ETA” wording better. Or, “It’s expected on the 20th.”

      Reply ↓
  53. Elbe*

    Wow, this is a lot.

    I really like the third point. It seems like there are some unrealistic expectations around how much information should be available, and when. They seem to be misinterpreting “I don’t know” as it’s always just worked out, so we’ve never given any thought to process when the reality is more like this timeline for information IS the current process and we will not be changing that merely because you’re curious.

    Tell them clearly what typical time frames are for the type of information that they are requesting and put the onus on them to justify why they need it sooner. The more buttoned-up you can seem, the more they will believe that you have it handled.

    Directly call out misconceptions as they come up:

    Q: Why can’t they confirm it now?
    A: They are following our standard time frames, which don’t require confirmation until closer to the shipment. Is there are particular reason why you would like to break process?

    Q: Don’t you think every delivery is important? I think the people relying on that wool think it’s important.
    A: This is standard process for receiving timing, so this particular delivery would need to be an exception in order for us to break that.

    Reply ↓
  54. DramaQ*

    The answer to “you know you just don’t want to share it” is:

    “You know what? You caught me. You have unmasked the vast conspiracy to deny you your alpaca/llama wool congratulations. It will STILL be here on the 20th no sooner, no later than that. Have a nice day”.

    Reply ↓
  55. No dilemmas*

    I don’t agree with the take on this particular situation. If I ask someone about a delivery and they say “ I don’t have a date yet I’m hoping for the 20th.“ I might have a few more questions about it. Especially if I didn’t know why the OP was giving that answer, what would make them hope for the 20th? If they don’t have a date yet why are they hoping for the 20th? I think that answer is or could be confusing to a number of people, including myself.

    Reply ↓
    1. Silver Robin*

      And you would also get snippy and passive aggressive about LW not knowing their job? Would you ask 20 questions where 1 or 2 would suffice? And when given an opportunity to explain the reason why you are asking 20 questions about an apparently routine delivery, would you completely sidestep it with even more snark?

      When asked more specific questions, LW gave more specific answers. There is a lot of advice here about heading off all the follow ups by bundling all the information in the beginning, and that should hopefully help, but LW did not read to me as being purposefully vague or obtuse. The only thing is that their responses do not have a sense of urgency, but they were not given any reason to be urgent.

      Reply ↓
  56. TMarin*

    I often end my statement (some good ones suggested here in the comments) with
    “I have now told you everything I know.” (repeat as needed)

    Reply ↓
  57. Sneaky Squirrel*

    While I find Q very obnoxious and accusatory for absolutely no reason, I can also see their perspective for all the question asking (assuming that the conversation is truly this succinct). They asked a simple question and were given an indirect answer. It’s okay for A not to know and to say that! But it reads as if A is just guessing when the say the 20th without justification on why they are saying the 20th and it reads like they’re trying to keep Q in the dark by not providing context that Q seems to need to know.

    A could help fend off some of the questions and appear more helpful by trying to predict follow up questions and answering those in their first response. “I don’t have a date yet from the freight forwarder. They suggested we should expect it on or around the 20th which is within their typical delivery time, but we should get a confirmation this week. As soon as I have the information, I’ll send it out.”

    Reply ↓
  58. Questioner*

    Reading this I have the nagging feeling that there are people at my work who might be this exasperated with me. I would never say (or assume) anything like “You just don’t want to share it,” but I’m in an in between role where I interface between two teams, one of which is public facing and needs to prepare materials and strategies surrounding any changes, and the other of which is back-end tech and hates committing to any sort of deadline. So I constantly end up in a back-and-forth:

    Me: “Do you know when X will be fixed?”
    Tech team: “Nope. Depends on a lot of things.”
    Me: “Can you give me a ballpark – are we talking hours, days, or weeks? Public team needs to communicate with users.”
    Tech: “Not sure yet.”
    Me: “Okay, sounds like you need more time to assess the problem. When would be a good time to check back in?”
    Tech: “Tough to say.”

    … and then no communication until I reach out for an update, when we repeat the conversation. And then suddenly: “Okay, it’s fixed now!” and the public-facing team has to scramble to put their messaging in place with no warning.

    So I can understand how someone would end up in this kind of questioning loop, if they’re under pressure to work around timelines that are constantly uncertain. Obviously there are times and situations where you have to recognize that there’s uncertainty at play and you can’t will a specific timeline into being, but “there’s no timeline!” can be a really frustrating situation to face when you’re working with dependencies, especially when it’s continual.

    (Not saying that OP gave no sense of timing, they seem like they responded very reasonably – but I can imagine how frustration might arise on the other end if you can’t prepare what you need to prepare because you don’t have the info.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Elbe*

      I’ve also dealt with this in my tech job. I know the struggle!

      In my experience, getting an estimate for delivery is, itself, a fairly large task that slows down the delivery times. Unless they are required to do it by management, they are probably not going to. In my role, getting estimates is often worth slowing down the process by, say, 10% or so, and we tried to push management to make it a requirement for the tech team. No luck. Just ongoing frustration.

      Reply ↓
  59. learnedthehardway*

    Personally, there’s enough passive aggressiveness in this person’s communication with the OP that I would address that directly.

    It is fine for someone to ask questions – if they’re questions that show they don’t understand the process or SOPs, then I would outline the process and SOPs. eg. “We get an approximate date of delivery from the supplier, and they nail down a specific date about 1 week before delivery. We have a good relationship with them, and they will tell me if they anticipate any problems. If we have problems with a supplier, we will manage them more closely, but so far this one has always been reliable. In any case, they are dependent on shipping and their overseas supplier, so it would be unreasonable of us to demand a specific delivery date before they have the product in their warehouse.”

    As for the passive-aggressiveness, if that happens, I would call it out. eg. “What makes you think I don’t care about this?” or “Why would you assume I would hide information about this? Don’t you think you’re being just a bit unreasonable?”

    But then, I’m direct and I don’t have time for bullshit from anyone. And I’ve learned that placating people like this just invites more asshattery, so I do what I can to nip it in the bud.

    Reply ↓
  60. LinesInTheSand*

    When people are information-starved and asking me lots of questions, I have 2 tactics.
    1. I tell them when the next update is going to be, regardless of whether or not there’s new information.
    2. I give them *my* decision points so they know that I’m on top of it and I’ll be taking action at some point if necessary.

    It looks like this:

    Q: Hey, are we getting in the combination llama/alpaca wool?
    A: I don’t have a date yet, I’m hoping for the 20th. [Insert my decision point/next steps like so] It’s the 10th today and I will confirm with the vendor on the 15th.
    Q: So the 20th.
    A: Like I said, I will confirm with the vendor on the 15th. [Insert the next update] I will send out a status update on the 12th regardless of whether I have new info, and I’ll let you know the results of my conversation on the 15th by EOD.

    So the idea is you’re reassuring them that your focus is still on that thing they need, and you’re showing it with a few extra emails. And you’re being up front about when they’ll get those emails so that they’re not bugging you all the time.

    Reply ↓
  61. Susannah*

    Oh, I would be facing homicide charges by now if I had to deal with that.
    I have NEVER understood people who think if they keep asking essentially the same question – even after being told the answer is not available yet – that they will somehow trick you into giving you the answer.

    Reply ↓
  62. not nice, don't care*

    This exchange sounds a lot like most of the shitty customers on Not Always Right. Some folks just enjoy being assholes to customer service staff.

    Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS