how to stay professional when you’re full of rage at your job

by Alison Green on February 13, 2025

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

A year ago, my boss was promoted into a new role at my company. I took on my boss’ job, in addition to my regular job, with my grandboss implying that I would soon be promoted into my boss’s old job. Well, you can guess how this ends — I ended up doing both jobs for a year without any extra pay or recognition, my attempts to get updates on the job status were ignored, and this week, my grandboss hired one of his old fraternity brothers — with no experience in our industry — for the job.

Obviously, I’m looking for a new job and hope to leave soon! But in the meantime, I was wondering how people function normally at work when something like this happens. I am SO FULL OF RAGE but, obviously, I need to be a functioning, professional adult while I still work there. If anyone has any tips or tricks on how to act pleasantly and politely while inside wanting to scream and/or cry, that would be extremely helpful!

Readers, what’s your take?

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{ 342 comments }

{ 342 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ruby Tuesday*

    I need to track these comments, because I am also full of rage and it has been coming out, whereas I usually had tons of self-control. Now I’m just like F it all to hell!

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    1. DataGirl*

      Same, I need to learn from this. My rage comes from working with people who smile at my face but vote for the annihilation of me and my loved ones.

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      1. A person*

        Activism helps. It needs boundaries also, but it’s a way to channel rage, to find hope and to do the best you can to change things.

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        1. DataGirl*

          Agreed, and community. I’m trying to focus on the micro, not the macro. Take care of and advocate for me, my family, my community. I can’t do anything at the large scale but I can help individuals with small acts of kindness. It’s hard though.

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      2. Lab Snep*

        I work with people who claim they don’t know things that were brought up at meetings when they were STANDING NEXT TO ME, AND we get minutes in our meetings.

        Or in the 5 years we have been here the process has not changed and people who have been here longer than I have and have most certainly been trained (or shown where things are kept in storage) be “lol I so not know”

        Three of us went “THERE IS A MANUAL” to one person who was doing this the other day and I felt vindicated that I was not the only one tired of learned incompetence.

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      3. MickeyT*

        I am in that situation too. I can’t quit (yet) but have down-shifted to polite with no additional friendliness. There’s a reason they have to pay me to be here; if we weren’t coworkers, none of these people would be my friend.

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    2. Goodluck*

      Work your job description – that’s the best way to cope. Put all your energy into job searching, do the job you were hired for, try to stay civil at work, and in your mind sing songs by Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq – especially “I’ve no more F’s to give”

      Your work has shown you who they are – believe them. Focus on yourself and your path forward. I have been there multiple times, it stinks, but it is a reflection on them not you.

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      1. MsM*

        Also, if you’ve been banking up vacation time or personal days while doing all this extra work, now might be a good time to start using those.

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        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Yes, both of these! Even if your vacation time is spent at home catching up on chores or reading a good book or whatever, take the time away from even thinking about work.

          Do what you need to do to get a good reference in the future, but stop going above and beyond. Your job has shown you that they won’t go above and beyond for you, so you should likewise stop doing the same for them. Obviously don’t shirk on your responsibilities, but feel free to spend some of your workday (or your lunch hour) looking at job postings and updating your resume.

          I’m so sorry, OP, this really does suck for you.

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          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            And I meant to add: your rage is totally justified and I feel rage on your behalf!!! Another thing that really helps is counting to three before responding to any rage-inducing work comments or questions. It seems so elementary, but it really does help. And sometimes in that silence the other person will answer their own question or realize what a dumb thing they’ve said. Not always, but sometimes. And you can take this even further and count to 10 before responding or don’t even respond at all and change the subject if that makes sense.

            Get away from your desk as much as you can during the workday. If you usually eat at your desk, start going out for walks after you’ve eaten, or go out for lunch if you can (even if you just bring your own lunch and eat in your car b/c the weather sucks).

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            1. Slow Gin Lizz*

              A third thing, if you have time and it won’t cause undue attention: start creating or updating any SOP docs for your successor. This will give you something to distract yourself when the rage is unbearable. But don’t do this if anyone might see what you’re doing and suspect that you’re looking to move on, because you obviously don’t want to jeopardize your current position.

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            2. MigraineMonth*

              Counting to 3 or 10 is good for in-person communication; for emails, I recommend even longer. If it’s an irritating email that isn’t urgent, see if you can wait 10 minutes before drafting a response, then wait at least another 1o minutes and reread it before sending.

              Voice of experience from someone who has literally been fired for this: if you are angry, DO NOT SEND AN EMAIL. Talk to them in person if possible. Phone if not. If it absolutely has to be an email, ask someone neutral to go over it first for tone and then don’t change anything afterwards.

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              1. Hiring Manager (they/them)*

                I actually will never respond to an email that makes me angry on the same day unless a same day response is required. Usually sleeping on it brings me back to work with minor frustration about the email and less actual rage.

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    3. many bells down*

      Oh same. Just Tuesday a board member (who i do not report to) asked me if I was doing XYZ. Why no, I’m not, because it’s not my job and never has been. I was very clear about what I was doing and what my role was. Two people quit recently and there have been a lot of “assumptions” that I’m filling those gaps.

      2 hours later I got 4 emails from her with XYZ tasks. I had to go home early or I was going to be sending some regrettable emails.

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    4. Burnt Out Librarian*

      Saaaaame. I need my job but I’m literally getting stress hives from how upset I am about everything lately.

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    5. Lalitah*

      I am there too. But like my mother used to tell me: “Think coldly and calculatingly based solely on evidence” because I am a classic hot head.

      Put out the feelers to see how the job is out there. Do up your resume, etc. But everyday incorporate tasks that take you to your goal, i.e. the new job.”

      Have a daily check-in with a trusted friend outside of work that keeps you accountable to the habits that will get you out of the hell you’re in.

      All the best and keep us posted.

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      1. Skippy.*

        >like my mother used to tell me: “Think coldly and calculatingly based solely on evidence”

        Wow, your mom sounds like a character!

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    6. JustCuz*

      I am a woman with a very technical high level skillset in a male dominated industry in a very conservative area. LOL let me tell you about RAGE.

      When I was younger, I would just let it rip. Now I handle it differently. And let me be clear, I did not stop this behavior due to professionalism (because none of that even matters when dealing with illogical, irrational people). I stopped because of the effects it was having on me physically and mentally.

      What I do now is twofold. One, I deprioritize like everything. Like I will literally prioritize putting lotion on my hands over answering an “urgent email”. I respond to everything from the people who enrage me with me, “that is something to consider”. Sometimes I simply laugh at the dumb ass suggestions outright in front of them – this is only good when other, straight white males (or other bosses) are also in agreement with the stupdity. And when I am feeling especially cheeky or vengeful (which tbf isn’t much anymore), I will perform micro-aggressions used against women onto the menfolk.

      At the end of the day, I prioritize my own personal morals, values, and ethics over whatever nonsense is happening around me. Someone is yelling? That’s against my values and I find it unethical in the workplace, so I don’t engage. Someone wants me to do something incredibly stupid, I will load them with questions in such a friendly and curious manner, of course.

      And then as pedantic as it sounds, i control what I can control. Like these are my tasks and I will do them. But even those tasks come behind myself and what i prioritize in my own life. This allows me to distance myself and my identity from my job and how my co-workers are treating.

      And to the entitled while male sitting behind me right now who truly believes, that after two years of say llama feet washing he can now become llama grooming managing expert, (he literally was denied my job and is mad about it even though he met none of the requirements and does passive aggressive, entitled things), when I feel a bit cheeky, I make sure he is in earshot when I speak to my boss about the high-level work I am doing for corporate. Things he could never dream of understanding at this point in his career. And somedays, that’s all you can do.

      Oh! And have a good support network OUTSIDE of work. That could even be a therapist.

      Good luck!

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      1. Abogado Avocado*

        Oh, have I been where the LW and JustCuz describes. This is such good advice – especially the recognition of the bad effects on oneself of “just letting it rip.”

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    7. NMitford*

      Me too. My new boss (this is Week 2, sigh) is just awful. Retirement isn’t that far away for me, but I feel like I’m just hanging on by my fingernails at this point.

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    9. Journaling*

      I see suggestions for therapy, but that’s not always an option.

      A diary or journal to express your feelings. You don’t have to be politically correct or offer any justifications here.

      I have one and have started using it in real time (when the event is taking place). It has done wonders for my peace of mind and even provided some resolutions to my problems.

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      1. Totally Minnie*

        I was coming to suggest a journal as well. At the height of my terrible job a few years ago, I was doing journal rants on my lunch break and after I got home at night. It can help to get the angry thoughts out of your body and into a book that you can close and put away, so you’re not just left stewing endlessly.

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    10. Kathy Lynch*

      Same here – what does help me is mentally picturing a bride cutting her wedding cake and with the first slice cutting the groom off of the cake! This actually happened in the June 1, 1983 episode of the soap “Edge of Night” – it’s on YouTube about 15 minutes into the episode labled Schuyler and Raven’s Wedding. Good luck!

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    1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

      I once had a bully and stopped calling him by his first name. He was Dr. Surname and I was impeccably polite and professional with him.

      Call me petty if you like, but the way that drove him up a wall was deeply satisfying.

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    2. Venus*

      Mattis was quoted with “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”

      I suspect he thought about that a lot during some of his White House meetings…

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  3. Dust Bunny*

    Dissociation, basically.

    Focus on the job search and on literally anything else in your life that is not job-related and that can give you any measure of happiness/fulfillment/contentment/pick your positive emotion. Do enough but not more and keep your mind on the long game.

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        1. Momma Bear*

          This. That’s not your job anymore? Well, good luck to him. I wouldn’t coddle him. If he can do the job, he will. If he can’t, again, not your problem since they saw fit to hire someone else. Work your job. Work your hours, no more. Use your PTO and lunch breaks. Take the long way around the building if you know it’s going to be a meeting with them. Etc.

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          1. DJ Abbott*

            I use this too. My boss came when I had been here more than a year, and she was offended by my attempts to give her useful info and context.
            So I stopped. Let her figure it out. Let her screw it up. Not my problem. This can be satisfying, as well as lightening my work load.
            I’m lucky this is mostly a good place to work and I’m not full of rage, but I had an annoying morning and was eager to read this post.
            One thing that helps is CBT breathing: breath in for a slow four seconds: 1, 2, 3, 4. Then out, the same slow four seconds – 1, 2, 3, 4. Doing this a few times resets my focus away from the annoyance/distraction/anxiety and puts me back in the moment. Hope it helps! :)

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    2. Red Lines with Wine*

      I wish I could upvote this. Stop caring, OP! From this point forward focus on you and your job search and do what is necessary to stay under the radar. Don’t train your new boss, either. If you aren’t qualified to do the job, you aren’t qualified to train someone to do the job. Full stop.

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      1. AnotherMName*

        What Red Lines said, so much. If you aren’t qualified to do the job, how could you be expected to train someone else to do it!?

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        1. Arglebarglor*

          I did this. A zillion years ago I stepped in as a manager when mine left. I did the job for 6 months and managed an entire department full on expensive and time sensitive projects successfully (and as a FREELANCER, to boot). After the first two months I put my resume in to be considered for the job. I was immediately told by grandboss that I “didn’t have the experience to be considered to do the job.” I immediately started looking elsewhere and left when I was offered a great job by my old boss who had left and who I was interim-replacing. They were still unsuccessfully interviewing for the position the day I quit.

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      2. Em*

        I just left an org last year that was so dysfunctional and terrible. One of the main issues was a badly managed agile implementation, where they tried to go trendy scrum but couldn’t let go of the top down management to the point that all process decisions got escalated up to the VP level and then a top down decision was made, and it was always global, no exceptions. I had a coworker who was so good at using this in his favor. Whenever there was a process question and someone asked him to do something differently than the Approved Org Approach (which happened constantly), he would mildly reply that he will need that in writing with Director and VP’s approval and then sure, he’d happily start working that way asap. This was a perfect way of never having to deal with the bs (because it took months and months for VP and directors to even talk about things, let alone make decisions) without looking like the bad guy. So basically- exploit whatever weaknesses you can find at your current job that take the pressure off you, while remaining outwardly mild, pleasant, and unflustered even if you’re screaming inside.

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        1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

          I think OP should tweak a version of this for himself. After a year, people are still going to be looking to OP for leadership. Oh, that’s Chad’s purview now. Well, Chad said you know. I can’t agree with that now. Please set a meeting with the three of us to discuss this.

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      3. Jellyfish Catcher*

        1. Get some great referrals, from whoever in this organization, such as your former boss.
        2.Get some support for the rage: therapy, good friends. You are to be outwardly a professional.
        3. You are ever so polite and welcoming to the new boss, while focusing time on chit chat and training minor things.
        Skip over important non-obvious details and pitfalls: technical knowledge, difficult office politics, areas that need to be restructured, complex pitfalls – he can learn those for himself.

        I would also (depending on your office) say that you may take some half days off, short notice, for “appointments” (your job searches or interviews).
        Don’t tell them the details,(could be medical, after all) , just that you need those times off.
        Meanwhile, you have a paycheck.

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      4. Rainy*

        Yup. I have a friend back at my last job who had this happen: did her job and the vacant job with no extra pay for six months plus and then was told that she was less qualified than the new person. The very same day my friend turned over all the responsibilities to her manager, because if she wasn’t qualified to get the job she wasn’t going to keep filling in. They also tried to get her to train the new person.

        New person lasted 5 months and finally after 3 months they forced her to do one piece of the job, and she did it very poorly. She did, however, spend that 5 months filing complaints for discrimination and harassment against every person in the office who refused to do her job when she tried to “delegate” to them, so that’s fun!

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        1. MagicEyes*

          One of my coworkers is currently in a similar situation. She has much experience and practical knowledge, and was passed over for a big promotion in favor of someone who is very young and inexperienced but has a degree and is cute and charming. The promoted person also AFAIK has no supervisory experience and is now a department head. :-( Maybe I’m weird, but I think the person who’s getting the big salary should be the one who knows how to do the job!

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    3. Dirty Martini*

      Perfect advice. Disassociation is difficult at first but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. It’s really the only way to productively move on and accomplish what you need to. You can’t let yourself get caught up in emotions because they will weigh you down and hold you back. And yes, do enough to maintain a solid reference but not one bit more. (unfortunately, as tempting as it may be, you probably can’t afford to burn that bridge completely down )

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    4. Beth*

      Yep. You check out, act civil, and put all your energy into finding somewhere better so you can get out of there. The best expression of rage in a situation like this with is leaving your grandboss to deal with the unqualified buddy he chose to hire over you.

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    5. Lissa*

      I’m a big fan of dissociation but need to learn to do it better, I think I’ve just been repressing stuff instead. I have regular insomnia and my gastric reflux is at its worse!

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      1. Frankie*

        Repression is ok short term if that works for you but you have to then also let it out, that may be the step you’re missing.

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    6. Jiffy #6*

      Dissociation definitely. Also, I started setting expectations. Given your expertise, you might have a lot of knowledge that others don’t. But you’re no longer being compensated for executing that knowledge directly. For me, that meant I would recommend what people should do. I would not do it myself, because it was no longer my responsibility. (What those tasks or activities might be might vary) But creating that boundary of what you are responsible for and what your new boss is responsible for will create better awareness of what you did and are no longer being paid to do. And if it hurts?… So be it.

      One other thing I focused on were the good people I was managing or supporting with my work. I used to work in admin at a library. When I was having beef with leadership or otherwise, I was able to work hard for the library staff who were good people doing good work. Made it a little more palatable.

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    7. Lemons*

      If you’re in a field where you can freelance or have a side hustle before you find a new role, that helped me a lot! Working with clients who are, I dunno, ACTUALLY PROFESSIONAL is wildly healing.

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    8. Ms. Marple*

      Yes, absolutely. I was going to say you need to disassociate. Sit back and watch it all like a dirty, messy circus. Do your job, but try to find some amusement in the wild stupidity.

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    9. AnonBurnout*

      On my way out of a toxic workplace, I started using a microjournalling app (e.g. Happiness planner, Presently, 5 Minute Journal) during my commute to and from work [not while driving!] They were helpful in either reminding me of the good non-work stuff in my life or in appreciating the parts of my work that were still good (e.g., an engaging conversation with a coworker; having a positive impact as a mentor; etc.) It at least ensured that I started and ended the day in a place of relative calm, positive energy.

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    10. Elizabeth West*

      All this.

      Disconnecting was the only way I could deal with OldExJob’s constant bullpucky. Unfortunately I got laid off before I found another job, but until then, I did my tasks as professionally and thoroughly as always — I just stopped giving a F.

      Another thing is to keep your personal time for you alone. When I walked out the door at 5:00, I didn’t even think about work until I was seated at my desk the next day. All off time became Me Time — never did it enter my mind.

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    11. Kali*

      This is the answer. I was royally screwed over at work a couple years ago, and I was so, so angry. I still am sometimes. I have only a few years left until I get my pension though, so I’m not looking to burn the house down. I do my work and zero extra – I used to be the one that they called on for everything, and I would take on some of the hardest, most thankless work, but no more. I delight in the schadenfreude (quietly to myself) when others are struggling with something I used to take care of. If I get asked about it, I give a doe-eyed innocent look and say that that’s above my pay grade.

      I also had the advantage of several other people knowing that I had gotten screwed over. Some had gone through the same (my workplace is toxic af). It’s not like we had rage sessions at each other, but quiet acknowledgement really helped. Having a new boss who doesn’t know what he’s doing will probably make these people evident to you. I wouldn’t stew in it, but commiseration helps.

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    12. not nice, don't care*

      I have finally learned to tell myself: You don’t have to feel anything about this.

      Set the emotions aside and use what info I have to move/not move forward. It takes practice and doesn’t work every time, but I find I can often derail emotional reactions that cause me harm or might spark me to respond a little hot.

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    1. Beboots*

      This. Sometimes if I have to do something I don’t find pleasant at work, I mentally calculate my wage and how long it would take to do the task, and think – “if someone pulled me in off the street and said hey, would you do [this annoying task for an hour and a half] for $30, would you do it?” Then I just remind myself of that.

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      1. Other Duties As Assigned*

        I guess that’s one way of looking at it. If you did not spend ten minutes cleaning dog poo off of playground equipment for one-sixth of $21 per hour ($3.50) yesterday, your job is less crappy than mine.

        (I’d give you the whole $3.50 to out and publicly shame the member of our community who took time out of their day to put it there.)

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      2. In the middle*

        Ohhhh. I’ve done this when they make me sub for classes. I’m the librarian. If the building is short of subs, I’m made to cancel my classes and suddenly i teach math. I enjoy figuring out the math of how much per hour they are paying me to sub vs. how much the district pays its actual subs (they refuse to raise the daily rate to meet nearby districts). I have a masters degree, 16 years of expeirence and a great contract so it is substanial.

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    2. Paint N Drip*

      I do think sometimes reframing your job can be helpful in this situation. Your job tasks become ‘pleasant face for boss conversation’ etc.

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      1. Gmezzy*

        Yes, this! It’s hard if you’ve been a high-achiever who cares a lot to check out, but if you can remind yourself that a job is a thing you do for money, I find that it helps. You have every right to be resentful, but as you make your regular purchases, see doctors, etc. try to appreciate that the job is what makes that possible. You can still do the responsibilities without being invested in the work.

        Also, maybe check out a rage room. It can be helpful to have a release.

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    3. OrdinaryJoe*

      Yep — I’m being paid to smile and not scream at you! I one time calculated my salary to an hourly/minute wage and was like … OK … that meeting and assine conversation just netted me enough to treat myself for Starbucks tomorrow morning… I also took a lot of pleasure in how and when I’d turn in my notice, hoping it would be right before a big deadline, one of their vacations, conference, etc.

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      1. Rainy*

        Ooh same. When I left my last job, it was riiiight after they’d voluntold us to sign up for a whole bunch of super undesirable extra work (you can’t flex your day though!). One of the events they were making me staff was the same day as a previously-scheduled all-day training I was one of the trainers for, which meant that there was a random Thursday when I would’ve had to be in the office in time to set up for the training which started at 8:30a, and then staff the evening event from 5:30p to 11:30p. There were a ton of other extra requirements as well, so I signed up for everything knowing I was giving notice and then canceled all my signups on my last day in the office, which was super short notice for most of them including the 15 hr day. I laughed and laughed when I pressed the button. :)

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    4. Names are Hard*

      I used to remind myself of this a lot when I was in customer service. I was paid to be nice and I needed the paycheck. My regular sarcastic self can be put on hold for money.

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    5. WindmillArms*

      My dad’s an entrepreneur and his refrain when dealing with annoying clients or work stress is “it’s all billable hours.” I often say “billable hours” to myself when work is being annoying (or enraging).

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      1. Her name was Lola*

        When I’d get upset about work, my dad used to tell me that it was a means to an end. He told me that his motto was “Alive at 5”

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  5. Keep Calm*

    Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Take really good care of your physical and mental health. That might include daily walks, healthy food, and plenty of sleep. Make good use of you off hours, see friends or read your favorite books. Maybe even use your PTO. In short, take your life back. And best to you, so many of us have been there.

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    1. Flagdance*

      All of this and stop doing anything extra. No staying late or answering emails off the click. No emotional labor, no checking for orders before you get coffee for yourself, no asking how their weekends were. These people don’t deserve you.

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        1. PegS*

          Yes this. When I get in this mood, I try to shut off the strategic part of my brain, just do exactly what I need to do without taking anything personally, and try not to focus on how things could be done better. I pretend I’m someone working at the DMV, just dealing with the one person in front of me and ignoring the line of people behind them until it’s time for me to go home.

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      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Re: emails – I think it’s also a good idea to take your time before answering emails, if you can. Don’t respond immediately and give yourself time to really think through what you want to say before hitting send. If necessary, draft your responses in Word or Notepad and copy them into your email so you don’t accidentally hit send before you’re ready to.

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        1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          Oh, yeah. I used to open a blank email and not fill in any of the To fields. I would type an angry response, then backspace and type an annoyed response, then backspace and type a neutral response. Then I would copy it into the actual reply.

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    2. slr*

      The daily walks, if possible, is an excellent suggestion. Put a podcast or audiobook on and leave the darn office for your full hour lunch. If anyone asks, just give some vague “Trying to be more healthy!” answer. Not having to feign small talk with people you can’t stand does wonders for your brain.

      Or, if your workplace has good benefits, do you have any medical stuff you’ve been putting off you can schedule now? I had a colleague who got passed over for a promotion for a young guy with no experience but the right letters after his name. She scheduled knee surgery to coincide with the busiest season at work, and left him to flounder on his own while she recovered. Did it again the next year for other knee, and then retired with a full pension.

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      3. DoctorOfTranslation*

        You, dear commenter, have put a lasting smile on my face on a grey &rainy February day. I shall partake of several seasonal chocolates in honour of your friend’s knees. Bravo :-)

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        1. Workerbee*

          (If in that situation) Just tell yourself until it sinks in that your org/boss/whomever willfully chose to hand their lil buddy the money and title that should have been yours. Like, don’t let a grown-ass person’s playdate keep you from taking what is actually yours already, like PTO.

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    4. Mockingjay*

      On days I need to recalibrate, I put in the earbuds and find a 5-10 minute meditation refresh on a streaming service. There are plenty out there for workday breaks that can be done in your office chair. Even 30 seconds of slow, deep breathing can lower heartrate and calm an anger response. (ExToxicJob taught me much, insert eyeroll.)

      I’ve also changed my music streams during the day. I love rock, especially indie artists, but I’ve noticed that I can start work breathing fire depending on what I listen to. I like upbeat instrumentals: think chill focus, light beach techno.

      Do your job, and only your job. Don’t care more about the job than the company/boss cares about you.

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  6. Archi-detect*

    Sometimes all you can do is keep your head down, and focus on immediate problems. A big thing too is working hard to remember they are not your problems, they are problems occurring near you, and you may not be able to fix

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      1. londonedit*

        Totally. It’s Fratbro’s job to do the job he was hired to do now – nothing to do with you. Of course be polite and point him in the right direction if he asks about something, but no more. If he can’t do the job, it’s not your problem and it’s not your job to fix it. Focus on doing what you have to do, bare minimum, and looking forward to getting out of there as soon as you can.

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      2. Clisby*

        Exactly. If there’s any pushback – “Thankfully, you hired Bob to take on my overload so it’s a real relief to going back to my actual job.”

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  7. Dawn*

    You are justified in being upset, but do you like having a place to live? Food to eat? Remember that you’re not working here out of the goodness of your heart – you’re working in exchange for something, namely money and other benefits, and part of the job you have to do to earn those is to remain reasonably pleasant to work with.

    If it helps, remember both that you can leave if you feel you have to – you’re not chained to that position – and also that if you can’t remain reasonably civil you might have to leave before you’re ready.

    Reply ↓
    1. hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

      yeah I don’t love my job right now, but it pays the bills and allows me to live relatively comfortably.

      Reply ↓
    2. ReallyBadPerson*

      The LW isn’t asking for reasons to be civil. They are asking how. Their whole point in writing was because they understood civility is required to survive until they can leave.

      Reply ↓
    3. Mill Miker*

      I’ve always found, for some reason, that this line of thinking makes me angrier.

      Especially when I’ve already decided to leave and I’m job searching or working out a notice period, as that kind of disproves the last paragraph.

      Reply ↓
        1. Not Wealthy Must Work*

          It is not rude to point out you can leave a job if you have to or you a cannot be civil. It is self-preserving.

          Reply ↓
          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            It’s a bit patronizing because OP already knows they can leave and isn’t asking for advice about whether they should avoid being rude, they’re looking for advice on managing their mental health during this difficult time. Dawn’s response is a bit like when you tell a doctor “It hurts when I do this” and they say, “Then don’t do that.” Like, yeah, obviously, but I would like to be able to do it without being in pain, so can you help me do it without it hurting?

            Reply ↓
            1. Dawn*

              I mean, the OP asked for advice – or at least we were asked by AAM to offer our advice – and there’s only so much advice to be offered in this situation.

              I’m out here doing my best. If you don’t have anything nice to say in response, you don’t have to say anything at all.

              Reply ↓
          1. Hlao-roo*

            For what it’s worth, I read your post as direct, not rude. I also have used the strategies of “remind myself I’m working for money and benefits” and “remind myself I can leave this job” in the past, and they work moderately well for me.

            Reply ↓
            1. Dawn*

              Right. exactly. It’s helpful to me to remember that I’m not at work because it’s just a super-duper fun place to be all of the time; if it were, they wouldn’t have to pay someone to do it. It helps me maintain that perspective – sometimes, the bullshit is part of what I’m being paid to put up with – and not be “FULL OF RAGE” over it.

              Reply ↓
              1. Mill Miker*

                Yeah, I wasn’t trying to criticize your approach, just offer another perspective. My wife does the same as you and it works for her, but for me, it’s the opposite effect.

                Reply ↓
                1. Dawn*

                  No, I absolutely got that from what you said, you’re good.

                  It’s the people criticizing my sharing what works for me and telling me it’s “condescending” and “a lecture” when it’s not. It’s just what’s helped me in my own lived experience.

                  I guess I’m condescending to myself? I don’t even know.

                2. Dawn*

                  I mean, the advice I don’t find helpful is stuff like “take a bubble bath” or “go home and chug a bottle of wine” or “give yourself a bunch of hugs” but I’m not jumping down their throats about it.

      2. 50k and counting*

        Because this line of thinking amounts to “suck it up, buttercup” and isn’t productive or useful and encourages people to accept bad situations out of nebulous fears for the future.

        Far better to work alone or with a therapist to emotionally disengage from a workplace that inflicts moral injury so that your efforts are best placed with your job search and personal life

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      3. Momma Bear*

        I know someone who is frustratingly Pollyanna about things, as if because someone else has it worse, you have no room to talk. That’s how it came off to me. I don’t tell my personal Polly much anymore because I don’t need the lecture – you can both hate your job and need to eat. Of course LW can take or leave any of our advice, but it felt flat to me. I hope LW has a new job quickly.

        Reply ↓
    4. Not Wealthy Must Work*

      +1 I agree with everything you’ve said for my own situation. Interesting responses from folks.

      Just reminding myself that my paycheck funds my life (as opposed to working for my passion) brings down my heart rate when other options have failed.

      Reply ↓
  8. German Teacher*

    When I wanted to rage-quit my last job, I focused on doing the things I could control, and just letting the rest of it go. Can’t control how coworkers behave? Just ignore it as best I can. Unreasonable demands from the higher-ups? Do what I can, but don’t bust my butt trying to achieve the impossible. End of my contract hours? Out the door immediately. It was a combination of quiet quitting and dissociating.

    Reply ↓
    1. Funfetti*

      Agreed! I’ve raged quit before and it was not worth the stress. Now, focusing on what I can control – the parts of my job I do like – and knowing that I can say no to things. I mean, I’m not being incentivized to earn them revenue? Fine – then I wont say yes to certain clients that would be more work. Really controlling my output.

      Also the fantasy of the day I do quit for a new job keeps me going. I know exactly what they’re going to say, “Omg I can’t believe you’re leaving! Whhhyyy?” and I’m going to take the high road while leaving some exit interview crumbs. And this will likely be the only job I’ve ever left giving only 2 weeks notice (I’ve been too nice previously) so that also satisfies me like I’m being SO bad by doing standard practice.

      Final suggestion – have things in your civilian life you’re looking forward to like trips. Even weekend or day trips. Fill your life so it helps break up the slog of the month.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aww, coffee, no*

      Seconding the “Do what I can, but don’t bust my butt trying to achieve the impossible.”

      A few years back my entire site got handed a set of impossible targets and that was the point I stopped worrying about whether we could meet *any* of them. I still did a good job, and I still tried to aim towards the targets, but they just stopped mattering to *me* personally.

      The way I described it to a colleague later was ‘if you throw me a frisbee, even if it’s badly aimed and too high, I’m willing to try my very best to chase and catch it. However if you throw it off a cliff and into a minefield, I am absolutely just going to stand here and watch it fall; I’m done.’

      I suspect this is what others are describing when they say to disassociate from the situation; it’s not that the situation has changed but it no longer matters to the core *you*.

      Reply ↓
    3. My Useless Two Cents*

      Yes OP, now is the time to think to yourself “Eff Them”, do your job (and only your job), and at a reasonable pace (no rushing or stressing). The hardest part is to stop stressing about “doing a good job”. If you find yourself feeling stressed or guilty that you should be doing more, take a deep breath and remind yourself that management doesn’t care about you. Let the rage fuel your job search and take your “revenge” by doing an *acceptable* job instead of the exceptional they have gotten in the past.

      What’s the worst that can happen? They fire you because you’re not giving 110% anymore? Let them, you’ll just have more time for your job search.

      Reply ↓
      1. My Useless Two Cents*

        Another good internal thought (from a book series I’ve been reading) said to yourself in a contemplative voice… “Oh look, I have no more ducks to give.”

        Reply ↓
  9. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    Move on mentally- let go of the stress and worry because there is an end point, even if you don’t know the physical date yet. You’ve made the decision to leave, they just don’t know it yet. Do your best to keep working and well, but realize that this isn’t a long term problem anymore and any consequences won’t be yours to deal with in the future. That’s easier said than done, I know, but it does help knowing that there is an end in sight.

    Reply ↓
    1. AndersonDarling*

      This is what I did. I put myself in a mental place where my current job was a memory and future job was now. Pretending that I already had a job and was working my last 2 weeks before I left.
      You have to be really hopeful to make it work, but it also brings confidence when interviewing.
      And video games. Whenever I started to spiral in crappy thoughts, I would play big, immersive games.

      Reply ↓
  10. mango chiffon*

    Find other outlets for your frustration. Try writing down your thoughts (at home!) and use that to get your anger and annoyance out.

    Reply ↓
    1. sgpb*

      Yes writing things out really helps me. But I can’t do it on my work laptop or I might get to furious and send it to someone I shouldn’t

      Reply ↓
      1. Big Shrugs*

        I actually write out long letters to Ask a Manager, reread them, and realize how bonkers my situation is and think about what Alison and the commentariat would say. It’s cathartic. Sometimes there is something different I could be doing, but mostly it just reminds me that situations are beyond improvement or advice-giving and I need to just mentally check out. So many AAM drafts in my outbox…

        Reply ↓
    3. Prof. Kat*

      I recently started a “rage journal” at the end of each workday, due to some similar-ish shenanigans at my job (someone without any relevant experience being hired for a key position over the clear and reasonable objections of many who are directly affected by the hire). I have a loooong and awful commute, so I was finding myself really marinating in those frustrations on my drive home, and it was terrible for my mood and mental health. I have a small, nondescript notebook that I keep in my purse. Before I leave work every, I close my office door and spend 5 minutes jotting down the specific things or people that are enraging me the most, with a brief description of why. Then I close the notebook, put it in my purse, and leave work. it’s not a perfect fix, but the physical act of writing it down has definitely helped me turn down the volume on my rage when my workday ends.

      Reply ↓
    4. Strive to Excel*

      I find rage-cleaning to be highly productive. Visualize your frustrations on the toilet bowl stains and then bleach them to kingdom come.

      Reply ↓
  11. Puggles*

    I think of it as a game. If I can be just civil, I earn a point. If I’m (fake) smiling or being “nice”, I earn 2 points. If I fall short, I remove a point, so on so forth. For me it’s just internal bragging rights, but you could treat yourself based on how many points you earned.

    Reply ↓
  12. Bingo*

    Bad work bingo: make a bingo board filled with things that you expect to happen that will piss you off. As they happen mark them as complete. Once you get a bingo buy yourself a treat (food or item), Blackout gets a bigger treat.

    Obviously you have to be a little subtle — on your phone or somewhere it won’t be seen — but the “if he says more meaningless jargon and says nothing I will get bingo and get to buy a smoothie on my way home!” Can help.

    Good luck. Godspeed.

    Reply ↓
    5. Lady Ann*

      I’m playing political bingo with some friends right now. Once someone wins we’re going to donate to a charity of the winner’s choice.

      Reply ↓
  13. Yikes*

    This sounds RIDICULOUS, but on bad days in a job I truly hated, I would type up my resignation email and delete it. I did this from my personal inbox, not my work email, but just the act of typing it up and knowing I had the option to quit at any moment (even when I couldn’t actually afford to) was very therapeutic.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lemons*

      Oh yes, preparing your resignation/handoff materials is an EXCELLENT outlet! I did this too. It’s also helpful in shutting down any counteroffer/convincing the employer might do. You’re not on the fence, you have documents ready!

      Reply ↓
    2. L_Rons_Cupboard*

      I have so many angry drafts of letters I will never send. It’s really cathartic to just get it down on paper or email, and just let it live there instead of my head.

      Reply ↓
    3. MassMatt*

      This is therapeutic but you need to be careful they don’t get sent, or otherwise seen. I write them out in longhand and either keep them at home or destroy them. If you compose it email leave the “to” field blank.

      Reply ↓
  14. ZSD*

    If you don’t currently telework, see if you can negotiate to work from home sometimes/more often. Being in a private space where you can show your rage without anyone at work knowing might help.

    Reply ↓
  15. Esme_Weatherwax*

    Take time off if you have any available. If you’ve got to be in the office, is there a task that you find meaningful? Work deep on that. Miss meetings if you can (“scheduling conflicts”!); if you can’t, find other places to put your brain if you aren’t actively presenting. Look at anything you did “for the team” that was not part of your job description and stop doing it.

    When the fratbro asks for help (or to ask you to do his job for him), give him the minimal amount of information that a capable person would need, once, and then keep referring him back to that. If the big boss decides it’s your job to keep doing fratbro’s work, I suggest becoming mysteriously unable to do so, perhaps by asking fratbro for guidance on every. single. action. Basically, until you get out, work to rule. It can be immensely freeing not to care about an organization that does not care for you.

    Reply ↓
    1. I See Real People*

      This! Take your hands off the wheel and let the others steer the bus. Do the bare minimum. I recently did this for a year before finding a great new job.

      Reply ↓
    2. BowTiesAreCool*

      And avoid “training” the fratbro. “Oh, I don’t think I’m the right person to show Dirk how to do that. That’s management-level work and I’m an individual contributor who’s never held a management title.” is a perfectly reasonable (if pointed) thing to say.

      Reply ↓
    3. Cheesehead*

      Yes! Big Boss obviously hired FratBro over you because he could do something that you couldn’t. Therefore, you can assume that the way you were doing the job was substandard or incorrect, right? So if FratBro asks you for anything, then ask him right back for obscene levels of guidance because, you know, what you were doing before was obviously wrong or you would have been promoted, so you have to start from ground zero to make sure that you’re doing it right, and you need that guidance from him to make sure it’s done correctly.

      Or, of course, as mentioned in a previous comment, just do YOUR job, because that’s all you’re there for now. And of course be very innocent and grateful that you’re able to just concentrate on YOUR job now. Redirect all management questions back to FratBro. You may have to restrain yourself from trying to step when you see something being done incorrectly, but there can be a certain amount of inner validation in being able to watch the chips fall where they may and knowing it’s not your job anymore.

      Reply ↓
  16. Upside down Question Mark*

    OP, I am with you. My boss had me take over another dept then introduce and teach AI to the entire company, and then use it to replace me last month. The single thing that helped was realizing I DON’T have to small talk with those people ever again.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ariaflame*

      Make yourself a private bet on how long it takes them to do something dumb it tells them they should do. Unless you just want to ignore them totally.

      Reply ↓
  17. Juicebox Hero*

    I’ve gotten through intolerable situations by pretending that I’m watching a bad movie and lobbing wisecracks at the screen like Mystery Science Theater 3000. It takes me out of it personally and reduces the people who are angering me to buffoons playing a part.

    Reply ↓
    1. MigraineMonth*

      I’m reading a book about a young lady who’s training to be a spy, and she’s constantly analyzing all of her interactions through that lens. I wonder if that could be a useful frame of mind for putting up with an inescapable situation: This man is constantly mansplaining and ignoring my suggestions; perfect, he’s underestimating me! My boss is being a complete idiot, but if I manage the exact interested listening expression he’ll probably go ahead with his idea and expose that idiocy to the entire company.

      Obviously I wouldn’t recommend this long-term (unless you’re actually interested in corporate espionage and manipulating people), but it might be one way of dethatching, not unlike the “naturalist studying the bizarre behavior of the Frat Bro in the corporate environment”.

      Reply ↓
  18. Correlation is not causation*

    I’m so sorry! I would be flipping out at this point, so it shows amazing restraint that you’re thinking clearly enough to try to find a way to cope while you make your way out.
    Make sure you’re using every second of PTO or vacation to take time away to decompress and focus on the job hunt.
    Do you have a therapist or someone you can vent to?
    Good luck on your job hunt – I hope you find something really soon!!!

    Reply ↓
  19. Not very creative*

    In horrible meetings I would count to 10 in languages other than English. The repetition helped and it’s not that hard to learn! It was also easy to keep up with the general conversation, at least for me.

    Reply ↓
  20. Double A*

    When I was in a rageful situation at work, I accessed our work’s IEP and talked to a therapist about it. It was very helpful to have a space where I could just be as mad as I wanted and someone was being paid to listen to me so I wasn’t unloading on friends and family.

    It can also be a great gift to just… care less. You’ve been doing two jobs, and now you get to unload one of them. You don’t need to do a great job training and incompetent person. Provide reasonable training and documentation that a competent person could figure out, and then if the new dingdong can’t figure it out, just keep pushing the problem up the chain or ignoring it. It’s not your job. It could have been your job, and the powers that be specifically decided not to make it your job, so don’t do it. Total detachment is your friend. It also protects your energy for yourself and your job search.

    Maybe you can also find some peace in clarity. This situation has been uncertain for a year, and now you know exactly the situation and can respond accordingly. It’s not the outcome you wanted, but it is a clear outcome.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elbe*

      Maybe you can also find some peace in clarity.
      I completely agree with this. It’s horrible that they took advantage of the LW for a year, but it just as easily could have been two. Dude bro’s arrival, as awful as it is, at least got them to stop dangling a carrot. Now that the way forward (getting a new job) the LW has so much more control over their path and can take a much more active role in getting what they want.

      Reply ↓
  21. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    To paraphrase Yoda:
    Turn rage into disgust, turn disgust into pity, turn pity into disinterest.

    Easier said than done, true. But each of those steps turns down your internal temperature. And the last step is really important for your job search. The less mental and emotional involvement in your current job, the more bandwidth you have for finding a new one. And you’ll come off as more positive in communications and interviews.

    Reply ↓
    1. DataGirl*

      This reminds me of radical acceptance and detachment. Accepting that a situation ‘is the way it is’, even if you don’t approve of or like it. It just is. If I can remove the emotion from the situation, I am not approving of it, but I am also not letting it hurt me.

      Reply ↓
  22. Judge Judy and Executioner*

    Years ago, I was angry at my dumpster fire of a workplace for ALL the things. What helped me was depersonalizing the experience. I worked to adopt the attitude of an external consultant regarding the things I couldn’t control. Higher-ups at work are often allowed to do stupid, boneheaded things, which does not reflect on me or what I bring to the workplace. It affects me, of course, but it doesn’t reflect me and my views. I went in and did my job, took lunch away from my desk, left at 5, and tried to leave my worries at work.

    You can not care more about a problem than your company does; it just leads to more frustration. Focus on the things you can control, do your job, and start your job search to get out. Try to look at things as an anthropologist studying a weird office culture, as in “Wow, what a strange thing to do,” instead of with anger, “these incompetent jerks are making my life miserable.”

    Reply ↓
  23. TerrorCotta*

    There’s a certain kind of zen you can achieve by repeatedly telling yourself “I don’t give a [obscenity of your choice]” and imagining everyone on fire. A more healthy option might be to take a quick walk down the hallway or around the building every time you want to scream at the bosses. But most importantly, just remind yourself that nothing at this office matters because they’re all aholes and you’re leaving soon.

    You could also just watch Office Space every weekend until you get a new job.

    Reply ↓
    1. FricketyFrack*

      I mentioned that I’ve been comforting myself to sleep imagining things like a very small, localized meteor taking out the entire executive branch and a lot of the other two branches, and a therapist was like, “no actually that’s ok if it helps you cope.” So maybe your first suggestion is healthy enough. :)

      Reply ↓
  24. Pickles*

    Start taking your personal items home, grab what you need off the computer-to mentally disconnect.

    Professionally hand off the old bosses job to the frat boy. Document everything. Stop doing the old job, keep your mouth shut and watch him fail. Keep job searching. Eat some ice cream.

    The key is to keep your mouth shut. Don’t tattle, don’t tell him or anyone else he’s doing it wrong. Act like you want him to be great and you are his biggest supporter . Otherwise he will take you down.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon For This*

      This has been key for me: gradually taking my personal items home, one or two each day, so it’s not obvious to anyone else. But also, if I really need to, I can drop my keys on the desk and walk out the door. There’s literally nothing here besides my purse that I would mind leaving behind. Some days my job is better than it used to be, but there are definitely days I want to rage-quit.

      Reply ↓
    2. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – do your original job. Formally say, “Oh, great – NEWPERSON is now in charge of X”, where X was whatever you were expected to take on before in the interim role.

      Then act your wage and do just your old job. Let the nepo hire fail on their own.

      Put your efforts into your job search and plot your revenge (ie. your abrupt exit).

      Reply ↓
    3. Jeneral*

      “The key is to keep your mouth shut. Don’t tattle, don’t tell him or anyone else he’s doing it wrong. Act like you want him to be great and you are his biggest supporter . Otherwise he will take you down.”

      Agree with this! Use all these tips for dissociating to keep them from getting rid of you before you’re ready to go. It’ll also be less stressful that way while you are there. When I was in a job I hated, I kept reminding myself that I was staying there to preserve as much of my savings as I could until I could move on–and that I could leave if I really had to.

      Reply ↓
    4. MJ*

      If you think taking things home might be noticed — swap stuff out.

      Buy some new things at a charity thrift shop and bring them in to replace items that you care about and want to take home.

      Then if you have to leave the new stuff behind you won’t care.

      Reply ↓
  25. Bird Lady*

    I was in a similar situation OP, although no one was actually hired to replace my boss. I just had continual responsibility added to my job description until I was personally responsible for 60% of the organization’s output. Here’s how I managed it:

    1. When dealing with colleagues unrelated to the staffing issue or the staff I managed, I had to remember that they had no idea what was happening or no say in the situation. Realizing they were as powerless as I was helped me manage my tone with this category of folks. It didn’t make sense to alienate them, and they were as overworked as I was. I won nothing by being a jerk to these folks.

    2. When leadership complained about things not being done, I politely and warmly asked for priorities. When I was denied any guidance, I did what I thought was the right thing and when it was not, I reminded leadership I had asked for guidance and was told to think on my own.

    3. Eventually, I just stopped doing anything that wasn’t in my original job description. This was after asking HR to re-evaluate both my title, pay, and responsibilities. When I was told that it was “just a piece a meaningless paper”, that was when I went back to the things I was originally hired to do. I worked my hours and no more.

    4. I got a new job that pays me twice what I was making for about half the work and I am actually allowed to use my time off.

    Reply ↓
  27. Medium Sized Manager*

    When I waited tables, I would balance my rage with a desire to get tipped, and I found the most successful method was channeling some good ol’ southern hospitality (despite being born and raised in California). Flash your fakest smile and be as polite as possible, even when you are chiding terrible behavior, so they can’t claim you were being rude. This was especially helpful for handsy men because of COURSE you didn’t mean to grab me – no reasonable person would do that so you MUST have drank too much.

    Ideally, you aren’t dealing with this, but it will also hopefully help in the sense that they don’t get to make you rage and cry at work. I hope you get a new job soon!

    Reply ↓
  28. Tom R*

    Been in a similar situation. I kinda checked out of anything extra or going above and beyond. I did the required work of my job but nothing extra and made sure that I took my full lunch break (away from everyone) and left right at the end of my day. I stayed civil with everyone but I think people could tell that I was no longer as invested in the job as i had been in the past. Luckily it only took me a month or so to get a new job (a sideways move) but the new job set me up for a lot more success than old job ever would have.

    Reply ↓
  29. Pillow Fort Forever*

    Oh this is so very difficult! I’ve been faced with the same and a few things helped keep my head in (mostly) the right place
    – reaffirm to yourself in the morning your choice to go to work and why
    – keep a sticky or note on your phone with a few key points of the same
    – look at it as a consulting project with a beginning and end, not employment
    – set good boundaries for yourself. Hours you work, how you spend your lunch and free time is super important
    – make it a game. Bet with yourself daily how many times the annoying X will happen or how many times annoying boss will do X (and either mentally or physical track it). I used to mentally ring a bell everytime my boss did something idiotic – and it became quite entertaining when all I could think of was Hector Salamanca in BB dinging away in his chair. I even bought myself a little desk bell that said “champagne please” just to keep it light.
    – know that about every person in every job has been through something similar so take it as great experience in sharpening your skills in dealing with extreme BS.

    And hang in there!!! You’ll get out and it will be so sweet when you do!!!

    Reply ↓
  30. diehardfan*

    A trick from a therapist (and I believe AAM as well) that helped me get through dealing with people who made me want to rip my hair out was to try and find humor in their behavior.

    Normally, they would do something annoying or the exact opposite of what I wanted, and I would feel myself clam up and grit my teeth, while being a breath away from screaming. But when I started trying to find the humor, it would be more likely to roll off my shoulders. I would laugh internally that, ‘wow they must be so dumb if they can’t listen to simple instructions’ or ‘this is hilarious that they are embarassing themselves right now by acting like an ass.’It doesn’t always work, but when it does, it makes everything feel lighter.

    Example:
    Boss: *Hires an idiot instead of promoting you*
    Your thoughts: “Wow that’s a hilariously bad idea. I can’t wait to see how they fuck up”

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      The David Attenborough approach!!

      “Observe the nepo hire in this unfamiliar habitat. Unfamiliar with project management, he has scheduled the go live before the QA testing…..”

      Reply ↓
  31. Freelance Bass*

    I worked for a terrible boss who was extremely predictable in his bad behavior. So I made a bingo card with all his unprofessional behavior, shared it with one trusted coworker, and we’d see how long it took to get “bingo” in any given meeting.

    Reply ↓
  32. You Can Call Me Flower*

    It’s totally reasonable to be angry. Feel your anger and acknowledge it then focus on what you need to do to move forward. I’ve found it helps to take it day by day. Do what you’re required to do, but don’t take on more. Leave work at work and take care of yourself at home. I’ve found checking off a to do list helps. It helps me reframe. These are just tasks, I don’t need to get invested. I just need do the task, do it well, and check the box. No need to take on extra work anymore. At home I try to focus on things that fill me with joy-family, pets, books, nature. That helps me reset and balances me. I hope you find a new job soon.

    Reply ↓
  33. Shiara*

    Be alert to whether any venting you’re doing to friends/partner/family is helpful or whether it’s just causing you to stew and spiral. While it’s good to have an outlet to release your frustrations, it can very easily become a way to bring your feelings about work into all aspects of life so that you can never escape the rage and injustice.

    Reply ↓
    1. Edmond Dantès*

      Really good point! I was in a rage-inducing work situation years ago that I couldn’t leave before a set time for career progression reasons and I found that venting about it in my free time actually made it worse. This rage-inducing boss was now also decreasing the quality of my non-work life! I made a concerted effort to allot a certain amount of time (the first part of my commute home) for stewing about the latest rage topic and then actively focused on other things that were more pleasant to change focus once I got home. At one point I even had a “good riddance to work ” type of song that I would listen to as the end of my internal stew session.
      Also probably not applicable for everyone but re-reading The Count of Monte Cristo really helped motivate me to be (outwardly) perfectly professional and polite, as a coldly calculated strategy to achieve my goals in the long game.

      Reply ↓
  34. SB*

    I hate all of this for you and I’m glad you’re making plans to get out. I don’t mean this to dismiss your feelings – they’re valid – but if you have to be professional right now, you can’t be * you * on the surface.

    You need to play a character. You need to embody that character when you’re at work. I used to call this my Clark Kent persona, when I mostly used it to tone down my clothing/makeup/general weirdness at work. I knew I was still Superman underneath.

    So, when you want to scream righteously at everyone, instead, think “What would Clark Kent do?”

    Would Clark Kent rip open his shirt and reveal to everyone he’s Superman in this situation? Nah. Not unless it was time to fly away forever. So my advice is….be Clark Kent at work. Be Superman at home.

    Good luck.

    Reply ↓
        1. SB*

          I do like the idea of Batman. But I picked Superman because it feels more empowering.

          Clark Kent is the mask. Not Superman. He’s literally a super-powered alien and he has to hide that from people by being a normal, every day person.

          Bruce Wayne is Batman because he chooses to be. He can walk away from being Batman at any time. Superman can’t stop being Superman. And I don’t think the OP should try to stop being mad or stop being awesome or whatever. They get to be Superman. Everyone else gets to see Clark Kent unless they choose otherwise :)

          Reply ↓
    2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I have a couple of pendant necklaces with sassy slogans that I wear for difficult days. They go under my clothes and I can remember that they’re there. That and underwear with ridiculous prints. You can’t truly be lost to rage if you’re wearing your hedgehog undies.

      Reply ↓
        1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

          I would SO rock some badger undies. But no one can beat the little Hedgehog Underpants songs that I sing under my breath as I go about my day.

          Reply ↓
  35. Marie*

    A similar scenario happened to me two years ago. I went out on FMLA leave (I had over 500 hours of sick leave available) due to mental health and used that time to heal myself both mentally and physically and found a new job. I didn’t return to my old job. I left knowing it was unlikely I would return and took all my personal stuff with me. Not sure if this is an option for you, if it is I would highly recommend it. Otherwise, go to work and do the bare minimum of your job and go home. Don’t put more thought into it than you need to. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Reply ↓
    1. sgpb*

      I did this exactly. I know I burned the bridge there but I never wanted to work there again and I had a previous manager from there that I could use as a reference, so who cares. They didn’t give me any grace so I didn’t give them any.

      Reply ↓
  36. EttaPlace*

    When you do need to vent about work, if you find yourself spiraling and focusing on it when you don’t need to, set a timer. Vent for 5 minutes, then do something physical to move on. I usually slap my palms together like I’m getting dirt off them and say out loud something affirming followed by an ending statement, like “wow that was frustrating, but thank goodness I’m home where I can cuddle my dog and eat good food and not think about work.”

    Reply ↓
  37. Jane Janeson*

    Okay, first what I think does not work: venting. Or at least too much venting. For me, venting just gets me to fixate on it and not let go.

    What does work: finding what you can control. Usually rage comes from the loss of control, so seizing that back is really helpful. For me, work-wise that might mean being very intentional about my hours – choosing not to work extra – and delighting in a productive job search. But I think it’s also helpful to find things outside of work. During one of the times in my life that I was the most frustrated with my job, I started running marathons (from basically never having run before) and it was really helpful to channel my anger into hitting new goals. Doesn’t have to be a marathon, but it might be a good time to lean out of work and lean into learning Japanese / knitting a sweater / running for PTA president / finishing that novel / whatever.

    Reply ↓
  38. William*

    This happened to my Dad when I was a kid – he was hired for a short-term contract that was supposed to turn into a long-term job, but in truth the department head was just keeping the seat warm until his buddy was available to take the job the following year.

    This sucked a lot for him and our family and resulted in us having to move close to family for a year to get back on our feet. But the nice part, my Dad told me much later, is that both the boss and the buddy were out within a few years. A former coworker told him it was because “everyone hated (boss’s) guts after what he did to you.”

    I’ve no idea if that will happen in your case, LW – obviously Good Ol’ Boy nepotism is a time-honored tradition in many quarters. But I thought I’d offer the hope of future karmic vindication. Best of luck.

    Reply ↓
  39. pamela voorhees*

    What works best for me is remembering that I can express rage in different ways. The classic example is those old Regency dramas, where outrage is expressed as frosty politeness. There’s a difference between my real smile and my “I hate you” smile, and it takes a lot of energy to maintain plausible deniability (which helps drain your reservoir of other anger that might come out as screaming.)

    Reply ↓
  40. Properlike*

    I like the advice that I’ve received here to cast yourself as an anthropologist – merely observe, don’t judge. Combine it with “undercover,” as if you were a spy or alien. Record “dispatches” to nowhere to report in the activities with heavy sarcasm.

    Reply ↓
  41. Ninjakiwi*

    Only do what you need to do. No more, no less. Soon as you’re home and in a safe place, you are very justified to scream your fury and frustration out in a pillow. Once you let it out, take some care of yourself, then focus on polishing your resume while job hunting. Repeat as necessary. This will not be forever. There is an end in sight.

    Reply ↓
  42. KaciHall*

    Malicious Compliance, combined with Work to Rule, and a dash of dissociation has worked for me for a few years. Kiddo has health issues and the marketplace policies don’t cover his specialists, so for the time being, I’m sticking with the health insurance I know.

    Doing what my job requires, and not much else. (Unless they want to pay overtime and travel, then sure, I’ll go to offsites in the evening, it’s way easier than my usual job.) Complying with instructions that I know won’t work. Showing sympathy to the boss when it doesn’t, while laughing hysterically inside. Trying my best to not care about the job, just the paycheck.

    I have the ability to listen to music or audio books while I work. That helps me, personally. But I know not everyone is able to do that.

    Reply ↓
  43. Sentra*

    Where was this letter six months ago lol? My therapist helped keep me somewhat grounded, and finding something to fidget with helped some as well. Also people. Having people outside of work (and one or two in work). Oh! Something to look forward to! Like a trip, or a show, some fun event that you can go, “I’m so mad right now… but oh man that event is going to be fun!”

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      The people point is a good one. If not a professional therapist, a friend who is willing to just listen for 5-10 minutes while you vent is a great thing. If the LW was my friend and called a couple times a week and said, “I just need to say this out loud” I’d be happy to listen and let them get the frustrations off their chest and brain.

      Reply ↓
    2. Goddess47*

      Actually, this is a helpful idea in general. Make a weekly — during the business day — appointment with a therapist and, assuming you’re salaried, you have a ‘minor medical condition that you don’t want to discuss but requires weekly treatments’.

      If nothing else, it gets you out of the office for a few hours every week, *and* you have someone to vent to who can give you coping strategies.

      Reply ↓
    3. Packaged Frozen Lemon Zest*

      In my case, having a work friend who I could talk to about my (former) Horrible Manager definitely helped. Not only did they understand all the work-specific details about Manager’s bad behavior, but they were (and still are) a very kind person who would let me take 2 min at the top of a meeting to get the BS out of my head so I could move on with my day. I know not everyone has work colleagues who are also actual friends, but in my case being able to get an in-person real-time validation from a friend that “no you’re not making this up, Manager is horrible” was a godsend.

      Reply ↓
  44. T.N.H*

    For me, sometimes it helps to pull out takeaways. Of course, it’s normal in some industries to work a higher level job as a trial run without commensurate pay. But the writing was probably on the wall prior to your grandboss’s frat brother getting hired. Tell yourself that next time, you’ll wait only 2-3 months before you start looking for a new position.

    Reply ↓
  45. teensyslews*

    What helped me when dealing with some really terrible (rude, backstabby, unprofessional) coworkers was to reframe it in my brain as a skill-building experience. I would take a deep breath and tell myself “yes, they’re a jerk, but think of how much soft skills you can get here!”. I would make it a goal to get through the day looking totally unplussed by any kind of bad behaviour that came my way. Not accepting any behaviour – I’d leave the room if voices were raised and push back on bad ideas – but in the blandest calmest way that made other coworkers think I was made of emotional teflon.
    That and spending lots and lots of company time job hunting.

    Reply ↓
  46. Eleri*

    What helped me was a daily reminder of who I was doing this job for – myself, my family, and the people at work I cared about and who would benefit from me doing a good job. Myself and my family is pretty self-explanatory. The people at work I cared about where my direct reports and various colleagues that appreciated my work, and it made their jobs easier/more successful when I could support them.

    Politics and exec leadership at my last job were truly rage-inducing, and despite glowing performance reviews, constant praise from happy customers/colleagues, and overall improvement in services for our campus, leadership would often scapegoat me and my team, give me mixed messages, and just make the job a soul-sucking mess. It took me almost 2 years to find a new job. I had to focus on what the job gave to me (a steady paycheck, benefits etc) and putting effort towards the people that would appreciate it. I stopped going above and beyond for leadership, as well.

    Hang in there! Best of luck in your job search.

    Reply ↓
  47. Hell in a Handbasket*

    I would probably construct elaborate mental fantasies about how the place was going to going down in flames after I left, with Mr. No Experience Frat Bro in charge. That might give me enough satisfaction to keep me going for a while.

    Reply ↓
    1. Little Bobby Tables*

      I was going to suggest this too… combined with daydreaming about how in a few months you’ll be making more money in a less dysfunctional company. Keep your eyes open for what disaster is likely to strike when you’re no longer around to bail out Mr. No Experience Frat Bro.

      Reply ↓
  48. HonorBox*

    Silver lining here: You’re being paid to actually do less. I’d expect that you’ll have a little more downtime in your day than what you’ve been used to the past year, and you’re likely to feel like you need to do more to fill those empty minutes. Resist that urge. Do what you need to do to continue getting your paycheck, but under no circumstance should you be talked into doing more – by others or by you yourself. Give the new boss the information he needs and then wash your hands. Point him to answers in that documentation you’ve provided. Don’t do his job for him.

    As you get frustrated, which I’m sure you will, have a personal mantra that you can say to yourself in your mind. When I played golf and I’d get frustrated because I hit a (lot of) bad shot, I found that if I stayed frustrated and tried too hard to hit the next shot better, I’d mess up again. So as I approached my ball, I’d repeat “f it” over and over in my mind. And when I did, I cooled down and could hit that next shot better. If you can have something like that mantra that acknowledges the frustration but helps you cool down, it might make it easier to detach emotionally from the crapstorm you feel yourself in.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ms. Yvonne*

      yep, in the spirit of where i was going with this… keep looking for new work. minimize contact with others. do only what you need to / borderline as little as possible when and where possible.

      Reply ↓
    2. Hang in there*

      When I was doing essentially three jobs but the company was not even considering adding more people to the team, I compartmentalized: My job is for a paycheck only. I’m doing what needs to get done so my paycheck is not in jeopardy. If they ask you why you’re doing less, I’d say “I’m dealing with something personal. How can we prioritize this work so the most important things get done? Maybe it would be beneficial to hire another person to take over some things”.
      No late stay. No afterhours work. Not going the extra mile. They need to feel the pain of things not getting done.

      Reply ↓
  49. Anne Shirley Blythe*

    Mind tricks. Tell yourself this is a temporary situation and you are a consultant/contractor. You can even “track it” to make it feel real. Fill out a chart you created–hard copy or online–at the end of each day. Or email your personal account.

    Fulfill the requirements of your job, but do not go above and beyond. If the Unqualified Hire asks you for help/guidance, provide the bare minimum. No helpful hints, no research. You have your own deadlines from your regular job. Allow the natural fallout from hiring him.

    If coworkers talk to you about the situation, go into politician mode. Be vague; avoid showing your emotions about this.

    And when you get your new job, you are only giving two weeks’ notice (if that). Your new employer needs you to start ASAP.

    If it helps, pretend you are a documentarian. You are dispassionately observing the consequences of a foolish hiring decision.

    Continue to do whatever–no matter how small–makes you happy in your personal life. You are still getting a great sandwich at that nearby deli and not working while you enjoy it. Still seeing your friends this Saturday afternoon. Still making time to watch “Severance” tonight at 9. Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  50. aebhel*

    Seconding everyone who says to show up, do exactly your job and no more, and go home. Start taking personal effects home; fix it in your head that this situation is temporary and soon to not be your problem anymore. Don’t volunteer to solve problems or take on any extra work outside of your job requirements. Don’t work overtime. Focus your energy on hunting for a new job, and if things at your current workplace start breaking because you don’t jump in to go above and beyond, well, that’s no longer your problem.

    Reply ↓
  51. StickOrSnake*

    Calling my EAP helped. Even if it was just to talk me down from rage quitting. It was good to have someone outside the bubble of my job to cry to for a while. Many thanks to those people who got a crying ball of me on the phone.

    In general, disengage from the job as much as possible. I often played the game: what else can I stop doing before someone notices.

    Before important meeting with triggering people/topics, I would try to get some exercise first – jumping jacks in my office – which did something chemically to help me be calm and professional. Recognizing this is not possible for everyone, but it helped me a lot.

    Leaning on my support network, sometimes to vent, sometime I just asked for a distraction from the pain.

    Make an escape plan or two. Something to dream about or act on. Either helped me imagine myself elsewhere.

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  52. WillowSunstar*

    Find something to focus on outside of work to redirect the emotions at. Whether it’s protesting, art, music, exercise, something, anything. Maybe find a non-work friend to vent to. While you’re at work, just do the job and keep your head down. Bite your tongue also, I’ve had to do a lot of that in my day.

    Reply ↓
    1. Somehow I Manage*

      Re: Bite your tongue.
      I was just reminded of a sign that was in my high school’s wood shop… measure twice, cut once. Think twice, speak once, in this case.

      Reply ↓
    2. DataGirl*

      At an old job I had Psalm 19.14 on my monitor.

      “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight O LORD my rock and my redeemer.”

      I still recite it sometimes in my head as a reminder to shut up.

      Reply ↓
  53. Lola’s mom*

    I am in a very similar situation! I started going to therapy, and it’s been really nice to be able to vent to someone outside of friends and family. My therapist encouraged me to write out a list of every time I have the urge to go above and beyond and try to fix someone else’s problem, and has told me to take a step back from trying to clean up so many messes. I am also trying to leave eventually to work at my husband’s business but I am stuck at my job until we hit some financial milestones. Just knowing I have an exit strategy and that this situation isn’t forever has put this in perspective for me. I know that my actions at work don’t matter in the long run as long as I just do my job. I’m no longer trying to get that promotion! I just don’t care anymore. I wish you the best, I know how hard it can be!

    Reply ↓
  55. Calamity Janr*

    I was in a very similar situation and the piece of advice given to me was “be so calm you are scary.” This resonated with me. I calmy raised my concerns to the appropriate level and followed up in writing, I escalated things up the chain, and I killed everyone with kindness.

    I also took up kick boxing as an outlet for my rage, and continued with my long distance running.

    I also used my rage to help fuel my job search as I was badly burnt out, and funneled all my energy into that. It worked, and when I resigned no one at my old job saw it coming to which I replied I wasn’t sure how they were so surprised as I had been bringing concerns forward for 18 months and this is them reaping what they sowed (I was the longest tenured employee in my division and took 15 years worth of institutional knowledge and ability to train new staff to be highly functional with me when I left).

    Also, business is not personal so you have to learn to live and let live (way harder to do than it is to say).

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  56. KHB*

    How much political capital do you have at this job? It sounds like possibly quite a lot, if they had to rely on you to do two jobs for a year and they may be relying on you to prop up an inexperienced boss for the foreseeable future. From what you say, it seems like you’d be rather difficult to replace right now.

    If that’s right, then you could try speaking up. Express yourself in level-headed words, but say how you feel (e.g. “I’m disappointed/confused/alarmed by this hiring decision because…”) There may or may not be anything that comes of it, but it might make you feel better.

    Also, look around for natural allies if you haven’t already. If leadership is this ham-fisted, I doubt you’re the only one feeling the way you do right now. Be careful about how much of your mental energy you spend blowing off steam together – this is one of those thing, like eating cookies, where a little can make you feel good but a lot can make you feel much worse. But just knowing that you’re not alone can be a big help.

    Reply ↓
    1. Recovering Librarian*

      That’s not political capital, that’s being taken advantage of. If the OP was considered indispensable, they would have rewarded her with the promotion.

      Reply ↓
    2. Karmelcornicopia*

      You might try advocating for some kind of “spot bonus” for the time you spent doing two jobs. It’s a little tricky to do it without (justifiable!!) anger and resentment. But if you can position it like “I was happy [try not to choke on the word] to step in when OldBoss left so our clients could continue to be served well. And Company saved $$$ because I was willing and able to do that….” And then follow Allison’s excellent advice for negotiating money. All very matter-of-fact and pleasant.
      Of course, this could backfire if they refuse—you’d have even more reason to be well and truly pissed. Or if they give you some really piddly amount. Which feels even more insulting.
      But a spot bonus might help you focus on compensation (or help you take a really great trip) while you quietly simmer and look for a new role.

      Reply ↓
  57. Calamity Jane*

    I was in a very similar situation and the piece of advice given to me was “be so calm you are scary.” This resonated with me. I calmy raised my concerns to the appropriate level and followed up in writing, I escalated things up the chain, and I killed everyone with kindness.

    I also took up kick boxing as an outlet for my rage, and continued with my long distance running.

    I also used my rage to help fuel my job search as I was badly burnt out, and funneled all my energy into that. It worked, and when I resigned no one at my old job saw it coming to which I replied I wasn’t sure how they were so surprised as I had been bringing concerns forward for 18 months and this is them reaping what they sowed (I was the longest tenured employee in my division and took 15 years worth of institutional knowledge and ability to train new staff to be highly functional with me when I left).

    Also, business is not personal so you have to learn to live and let live (way harder to do than it is to say).

    Reply ↓
  58. Mouse*

    I listen to a lot of ragey music. It’s easier to smile pleasantly when someone walks past if I have Rage Against the Machine in my ear.

    Reply ↓
    2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      But have you tried ukulele music for the same purpose? Just bliss out to the happy sunshine sounds of Hawaii … or even Tin Pan Alley.

      Reply ↓
    3. Mill Miker*

      I have a series of playlists I go through depending on how bad my mood is. The lightest is full of upbeat catchy stuff, then there’s one that’s all fun songs about how much work sucks, and then one that’s all sorts of madness (like scrillex, and weird baby shark remixes, and Mahna, Mahna covers) for when I’ve just lost it.

      Reply ↓
  59. Goldenrod*

    OP, I have been in this situation sooooo many times and I truly empathize!

    I recommend you go out and buy this book and keep it for handy reference in your desk drawer: The Asshole Survival Guide: How to Deal with People Who Treat You Like Dirt by Robert I. Sutton.

    And you don’t even have to hide it at work – because no one is going to self-identify as an asshole! The strategies in this book helped me a lot when I was in an enraging situation.

    Reply ↓
  63. Grandma Waffles*

    Something similar happened to my husband in academia – he was an emergency hire, a year later they did a search, and at the end of first semester, he was told he didn’t get the job. But he still had to teach the spring semester (as did I, I was teaching part time in the same department).

    He immediately planned his entire spring semester so he didn’t have to think about them at all over the break, and once the semester started, he was only doing what was expected of him and leaving as soon as he was done teaching each day – no extra tasks, meetings, committees. They saw a pleasant face, and then he would come home as soon as possible and job search.

    I don’t know if any of this helps you, but I know it was the only way he could keep going without flipping every single table on his way out. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

    Reply ↓
  64. H.Regalis*

    Outside of work: Get a heavy bag or go to a gym that has one, take up a martial, and/or do a lot of intense cardio. Basically do something to work the rage energy out of your body. Don’t try to bury it inside of you because that doesn’t work. Let it out in a controlled way.

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  65. redwinemom*

    I’m so sorry you are going through this!
    I haven’t seen anyone suggesting this, but seeing a therapist might help. You can then vent to someone and they might also be able to make more helpful suggestions on ways to get through this tough time. (It also might help you not vent too often to your family and friends.)

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  66. Somehow I Manage*

    Borrowing this from a recent episode of a show on MAX.
    Get yourself one of those handheld counters that you can click and keep track of things. When you’re filled with rage or super annoyed or someone does something stupid, give it a click. Then gamify it a little. If there’s a particularly awful day and the count reaches a particular number, treat yourself to something after work. Or if there’s a streak of days when the numbers are gradually lower, celebrate with a different treat. Treats could be consumable, a long walk, a great bubble bath, an extra episode of a show, etc. I wonder if, by keeping track, you might end up not counting some things that you initially started counting as annoying.

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  67. Notmyusualname*

    This is what quiet quitting was really made for. Do not care about the job any more.

    Come to work, do the job professionally but do not go one extra mile for anything anymore. Do not invest your passion, your energy.

    Also if you were not qualified to get the promotion, you are not qualified to train your new boss in anything

    Your job now is “job hunt”

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      That point about not being qualified for promotion = not qualified to train the new boss is spot on.
      LW, if you’ve documented what you have been doing, answer a question from time to time, that’s all you need to do. You shouldn’t be expected to guide this new boss every minute of every day. After all, you have your job to do.

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  68. PX*

    I found great success in having a physical outlet for my frustration. I was doing a fairly physical martial art at the time, and knowing that after a frustrating day at work I would have the opportunity to punch and kick things was truly a great way to let off steam and meant that at work I could be super zen and not react in the moment. So highly recommend taking up something like boxing, kickboxing, boxercise, MMA etc.

    Particularly if you’re a woman, doing those classes at that point in time really reminded me that women are hardly ever allowed to physically let out their anger when sometimes it is honestly just what you need. Going at a punching bag for a minute solid can’t be beaten sometimes.

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  69. Lemons*

    I (as a remote worker, don’t do this if you’re in-office) put a little sign under my monitor reminding me to perform happiness when communicating with my toxic management. On the inside of that card, it said “if they’re not going to treat you like a rockstar, don’t act like one.”

    It’s not a positive approach, I know, but it was helpful for me to set up some internal boundaries while remembering to not convey any anger or sulkiness where it could be seen at work. I also coveted the phrases “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” and “preserve the reference” during this time. Remember, the best revenge is a life well lived!

    Reply ↓
    1. iglwif*

      Never underestimate the moral support you can derive from a post-it note on your computer!

      I had one for ages that said “THEY ARE NOT YOUR DAD” for when I had to have meetings with middle-aged dudes several levels above me who liked to raise their voices at each other, and it helped more than I expected it would.

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      1. DataGirl*

        My whole office is filled with motivational art work and sayings. I’m sure my colleagues think I’m so extra, but it helps me not completely lose hope.

        *Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.
        *And though she be but little she is fierce.
        *In the end, the shadow was only a small and passing thing, there was light and high beauty forever beyond it’s reach.
        *Change is the essential process of all existence.
        *Make space mom proud.
        *Be a good human.

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  70. iglwif*

    A lot of people have given really good suggestions that I will second: stop going the extra mile; release yourself from trying for enthusiastic and shoot for civil; make yourself a BS Bingo card; start a journal at home (physical or digital) where you can express all your rage; put in the minimum at your current job and the maximum on your search for a new one.

    I also recommend:
    – taking advantage of any relaxing / frustration-exorcising services your current health insurance covers, such as massage therapy or online exercise programs.
    – setting limits on how much time per day you will spend ranting to other people about your job, so you don’t become That Person Who Complains Nonstop — for your own sake, not for other people’s.
    – signing up for one thing outside of work that you have always wanted to try, or one thing you already know you will enjoy, so that you have at least those few hours every week when you are actively focused on something nice. (When an old job of mine was at its most stressful, toxic, and under-rewarded, one of the things that got me through was choir rehearsals.)
    – letting go of every. single. thing you do or have ever done that isn’t your specific job — all the office housework, all the jumping in to help — except for any work-adjacent volunteering that brings you joy. (Such volunteering can also be a source of new job leads!)
    – keeping your work hours very, very strictly: arrive on time, take your full lunch break (outside the office if at all possible), leave on time. In union-land we call this Work to Rule :)

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  71. Deeeee*

    As far as dissociation goes, I’ve used a few things:
    – the anthropologist frame also mentioned above. Hmmmm what fascinating and harmful dynamics I see from my outsider’s perspective…
    – the astronaut – literally as if I’m in a spacesuit in my own protective environment walking safely amongst this bizarre situation.
    – the safety glass – sometimes in meetings I’d imagine there was a wall of glass between me and the other person just for the sense of distance and safety it gave me.

    And, of course, get out! Good luck OP!

    Reply ↓
    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      This is great! I’m aware of the anthropologist but hadn’t heard of the other two, definitely going to keep them in my back pocket.

      Reply ↓
  72. Seltzer Fiend*

    When I had a job I wanted to rage-quit multiple times a day, I installed a counter app on my phone and opened a fresh savings account named “Freedom”. Every time I wanted to throw my computer out the window and storm out of the building, I’d tick the counter up by one, and when it reached a certain threshold I’d reset it and transfer that number of dollars to the savings account so I’d have a dedicated emergency fund if I ever left unexpectedly and with no notice. It gave me a way to quantify my anger and develop some positive money habits at the same time.

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  73. LamaLamaWorkplaceDrama*

    Not sure if this would be feasible for you but when I was in an awful job that more or less catfished me and then changed all the “rules” once I started work I more or less bribed myself with lego sets and other treats outside work to make it bearable while I found other work. Then when I was ready to rage quit I would just try and think about the next lego set I was gonna buy myself and build after work.
    As others have said civl is always an ok choice. You don’t have to be happy to be there – you just have to be civil. I also focused on being as kind as possible to the other “pawns” aka my co-workers since it was management that sucked and not them. As a result I made some really good relationships and actually helped a bunch of them escape too.
    I hope you can get out soon!

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  74. FlubberMum*

    I have found it helos to listen to Thomas Benjamin Wilde Esquire’s song “I’ve no more F***s to give” – onlyvuse this tip if you are ok with the F word@

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    2. Dido*

      be a peach at work and take comfort in secretly plotting your revenge. the more dependent on you they become and the more they don’t suspect you’ll leave, the more screwed they’ll be when you do hand in your resignation.

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  75. sometimeswhy*

    SO many good thoughts above – disassociation, Yoda philosophical shift, dropping everything that’s not explicitly yours, meditate/walk/exercise, play a character, bingo card, be absolutely saccharine in the face of awfulness.

    I’d like to add: give yourself secret code words. “Thanks much!” means ‘thanks much’ but “Thanks SO much!” means, ‘I hope you step on legos, miss your bus, and you’re held responsible for your incompetence!’ or whatever works for you. “I appreciate your help!” means ‘i appreciate your help’ but “I really appreciate your help!” means ‘you offered zero help but stayed enough out of my way that i was able to get it done in spite of you.’

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  76. Name (Required)*

    My take is that I need this advice, too, because I loathe and have zero respect for my wholly inept higher-ups who are the textbook definition of petty tyrants who are three hallmarks of the Dunning-Kruger effect in golf attire, and every promising job lead has been disproportionately heartbreaking when I find out I didn’t shine brightly enough to beat out hundreds of other also-desperate job applicants.

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  77. Hannah Lee*

    As many have said, disconnecting emotionally as much as you can and focusing on your job search and other things in your life that are not work related are the best moves in this situation.

    One thing that helped when I was in a similar situation was to keep in mind that I’d never seen someone who was angry about a decision at work get any positive benefit (to them) from being sullen, resentful or simmering with anger or acting out or trying to push back on/try to revisit a decision. Even if they were *completely* justified in their anger (over mis-treatment, being taken for granted, bait and switches, or whatever other ridiculousness management had pulled)

    All that bad attitude did was ruin their own mood and chip away at goodwill, their reputation. And likely spill out into their personal lives, since they got in the habit of being in a bad mood.

    Your employer has essentially shown you that what comes next for them is not your problem anymore, and their decisions are no longer your concern. You’re now in “not my circus, not my monkeys” territory. Do what you can to minimize their impact on your life by doing your job and nothing more, not fretting over stuff that’s not going involve you once you’ve got a new job, and invest your time, effort, emotional bandwidth on other things.

    And moment to moment, short walks are your friend … walk away from your workspace, and breathe: to the rest room, to grab a coffee, to follow up on something in another department, to ask an “urgent” question of the person who just happens to have the best candy dish or nicest window view, step outside to “take an urgent call” and clear your head, whatever you need to reclaim your calm and balance.

    I hope you write in a few months with a great update about your new job.

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  78. CzechMate*

    I admittedly have struggled with this in the past. Here are some things I have done/learned.

    -Rage is a sort of catchall emotion that often includes and masks other feelings (betrayal, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.) So sometimes recognizing and allowing yourself to feel those other things can help (usually with a therapist, but also with a trusted friend or in a journal).
    -Physical activity, as others have said.
    -Allow yourself to not do extra. I went through this at an old job where a coworker wasn’t preparing contracts ahead of client meetings. I would tear my hair out trying to get them done in advance. Finally I just…stopped and decided I would just let him explain to our bosses, coworkers, and clients why it wasn’t done. Made me feel a lot better.
    -Kind of like the Oprah thing where you write a letter and don’t send it, I’ve gone home and written mean resignation letters that I then delete or tear up. To me, it was helpful to remember that I *would* be resigning soon and that any time spent remaining at the company was more a benefit for them than it was for me.
    -Quietly start documenting all the things that you do. Make training documents, list ongoing projects, etc. It’ll be helpful to hand over when you leave, but it can also help put you in the mindset of “This isn’t going to be my problem much longer, so I don’t need to take this bull much longer.”

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  79. What’s In a Name*

    This may not help for when you’re physically at work, but drawing a hard line on your working hours (if possible) may help. I went through something as well where I was frustrated and angry after being treated poorly while working 80+ hours per week (exempt), so I started only working my designated hours. I was fortunate that I could do this and I know it’s not always an option, but it can help keep things in perspective and give you more time to job hunt.
    I’ve also invented a game of how seeing how polite I could be while angry – the angrier I was, the more formal and polite I would focus on being. Sometimes it was completely ludicrous (“my good sir, I will review this and respond to you with all due haste”), which at least helped by making me laugh. Good luck!!

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  80. Super anonymous for this*

    Once I had a terrible roommate, and I decided to sage my room to get the bad vibes out. It literally drove her out of the house! My friends and I still laugh about it to this day. Cut to now, I am in a toxic job. I got some sage “clearing” spray for my office. I sprayed it in there, and the worst of the toxic people now refuse to come into my office :) But the vibes in there are great! I actually like being in my office now.

    Sage or not, do what you need to make your physical space inviting and comfortable to you. It might not fix the problem but at least you’ll have some refuge from it.

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  81. Piranha Plant*

    Wait, this was 1000% me at a previous job.

    I channeled all of my rage into job searching. Every time I felt particularly furious and I had an extra 3 minutes? Time to open LinkedIn/Indeed/[insert job board here] and flag a job or two to apply to later. Manager says something awful? Picturing the joy I would feel when I finally got to give notice. Lunch breaks? Fabulous time to shoot off an application, or revise my cover letter template, or mentally go through my network again to see if there is someone else I could reach out to.

    My job search took a long time and was extremely discouraging until it wasn’t, but what kept me going instead of giving up was pure spite.

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    1. Piranha Plant*

      Oh another thought! I absolutely reveled in my own self-righteousness. Every single time I responded to an unreasonable request, unfair feedback, or some other type of general absurdity, I let myself feel extremely good about responding politely and professionally. This works twice as well if the involved coworkers don’t like you – continuing to be cheerful and pleasant is deeply annoying to someone trying to get under your skin.

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  82. Head Sheep Counter*

    Honestly, disassociation. Seeing the anger and knowing that the situation is actually bad is helpful but it doesn’t solve the day to day aspects.

    Know that you need this to be short term. The disassociation will impact you if its long term. It makes you less sharp and depending on how you execute it… makes you appear simultaneously more capable and less capable… in that you no longer care and depending on the issue that will land differently.

    For your self-worth, oddly I find Stuart Little’s sketch of “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it people like me” to actually be somewhat helpful. Being specific to one’s strengths and meditating on your own value helps when standing under crap mountain. You are valuable.

    Good luck and you aren’t alone.

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    1. Hannah Lee*

      ” I find Stuart Little’s sketch of “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it people like me” to actually be somewhat helpful. ”

      Thank you for the chuckle
      I think you meant Stuart Smalley on SNL?
      But picturing a tiny white mouse giving himself a pep talk made me smile

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  84. No name here*

    Self care. I struggled with this when I was at my old company and it bled a little into my new company. I started focusing on my mental health. I worked to the extent of my job and no more. I took my full lunch and breaks focusing on anything not work related. And when I got home I did everything I could to put the work away. I cant express enough how mich of a struggle it was to do this. There were definite tines when I let the rage out and I shouldnt have. Long term though self care helped

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  85. A Simple Narwhal*

    I agree with what others have said – stop doing anything above your actual job. You were doing two jobs with the hopes of being promoted into the higher one, and that hope has been completely and utterly trashed. Your grandboss has made it clear that you are not going to advance in this company, so you have no reason to do any work that was meant to advance you. No more going above and beyond, no more stretch goals, nothing. Your only goal now is to remain employed until you find something better.

    Aside from that, definitely remind yourself that this is all temporary, and none of it really matters. Not in like an existential way, just that you won’t be there much longer (hopefully!), so the day to day machinations have no bearing on your real life. I remember the day I gave notice at my last soul-sucking job, all of the things that would stress me out and send me into a panic spiral just…didn’t matter anymore. I could see the mess going on but I was outside it. I know you aren’t giving notice yet, but knowing that you are taking actions to leave can really help with the day to day survival.

    I’m sorry this is happening to you, it sucks. It sucks hard. I hope you find a new job soon at a place that actually values you. Good luck!

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  86. cz*

    Like others said, it’s in your focus. Try to focus on new opportunities, focus on helping someone else. And yes take PTO for mental health days. I know it is so hard. I just had to fake it! And someone said “I admire you for being positive with all this crap.” Ha ha I really wasn’t, but I put on a pleasant face.

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  87. Easier said than done*

    My mantra for times like this is “let go or be dragged.” As desperately as I want to rage, I know that there is nothing to be gained from it except high blood pressure and more rage. And framing it as “let go or be dragged” helps me regain a sense of agency in a situation that is beyond my control; I can’t change things, but I can decide to let go.

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  88. Jane Donne*

    Your rage is absolutely valid! Therapy/counselling if you have access. I find getting physically tired through exercise can get out some of the anger. In work, only work to your pay level. Don’t train newguy, don’t pick up any slack. Don’t do a shred of work to compensate for their terrible decisions, and enjoy very politely and professionally not helping at all. Also, if you can, set a delay on emails, so you have a buffer between any initial and ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED screw you response and the ‘thanks for your email, that’s now Chad McIncapable’ s responsibility, please loop me out of any future communications on this issue’

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    2. different seudonym*

      Beautiful new name, I imagine him wearing Topsiders and a stained rep tie, and giving his name a Worcestershire pronunciation, something like “MickINkepl.”

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  89. Anne Boleyn's Necklace*

    Downshift, downshift, downshift. What happened to you really sucks, and rage is fed somewhat by powerlessness. Scale waaaaay back and slow way down on what you are doing; effort, volunteering to solve problems/raise ideas, work 1 minute later than you are paid for. Stop doing any all work you have been doing for free. Anytime someone asks about a thing that is in Frat Guy’s purview, send them straight to Frat Guy. “That’s FG’s job, he is the best person to help you with that.” Ev. Er. Y. Thing. This will give you some control and ownership over what is happening to you. Also, professional does not mean you have to pretend to like what happened. Don’t aim for a happiness exterior at work, aim for civil.

    Finally, (but maybe first and foremost?) take some time off, which I bet you haven’t done in a long time. Take 2 weeks if you can, a week, a long weekend. Take some mental health days and cool off while you recover your equilibrium. Explore your FML options. Doing 2 jobs for one years means you are burned the eff out, and that has tremendous consequences on your health and wellbeing. FML is not just for childbirth, or caring for a family member, it is also for taking care of YOU. Depending on your employer, you may be able to take time off that is also paid from your PTO. Sending you good vibes friend, take care.

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  90. AnonAnon*

    Former rager here.
    I was promised a promotion and whenever I would ask about it, the bar for promotion was moved. To me the writing was on the wall. It was never going to happen.

    Thankfully I got another job but in the meantime, I did the bare minimum of what my job required. No more above and beyond (I was a high performer) and no one noticed.

    When things got really bad, I spent my days rage applying to jobs both internal and external.

    Good luck. It is an awful feeling.

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  91. Person from the Resume*

    Do only the job you are paid to do. Let FratBro be the boss and do the boss work without help from you. Leave on time. Job hunt to escape ASAP. Have friends to vent too, but not too often. (Vent but don’t dwell.).

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  92. Beenthere*

    This has saved me a couple times in this type of situation. Convince yourself you have been fired. Your current job is now a temp job- this will make you feel grateful for the continued source of income. Depending on your stage of career/life, keep open desperate options. I once uitilized the thought experiment I mentioned, and then moved overseas to teach English for a couple years.

    Still works even if you can’t do that, though. I pretended I was fired just last year which protected my mental health until I found a new role in my org. But it did prompt me to take one I otherwise wouldn’t. 10x happier, though!

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  93. The Dread Pirate Roberts*

    A few years ago I was Filled with Rage(TM) at my job, and I developed a few different coping strategies! I will admit I didn’t read all of the comments before posting, so I hope there is at least some fresh content in here.

    1) Dissociate, as many people have already said.
    2) Manifest, baby, manifest! Use what fills you with rage at your current job to inspire you to create a list describing your perfect job. Your boss is an incompetent ass? Write on your list, “I admire and learn from my boss.” Then manifest away.
    3) This might be neurodivergent-specific, but it really helped me to develop a new hobby/special interest that I could daydream about in my mind while I was at work. I thought of it sort of like in Harry Potter 3 when Harry gets through his Aunt Marge’s visit by daydreaming about his broomstick cleaning kit.
    4) When I had to be around my boss, I got through the interactions by letting my petty, petty heart take over. She was being very cold and unprofessional towards me, and I knew it drove it absolutely up the wall if I could out-professional her, so I would put on my sweetest, most collegial attitude, and just sit back and watch as steam started coming out of her ears.
    5) When all else failed, I imagined that someone I cared about/admired was in the room with me. I imagined coworkers I liked, fictional characters, celebrities – anyone I would be motivated to make a good impression in front of. I know it’s silly, but it really worked!

    Hope something in here helps, and good luck with your job search!

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  94. different seudonym*

    More recently than I care to admit, I discovered that a lot of my own “rage” at unfairness, disrespect, etc, is actually fear, the loss of a sense of safety. (It seems like a lot of people who have already commented above know this in one way or another; I am not so great with the self-knowledge thing.)

    But for me, it is helpful to stop whenever I am getting wound up and ask “what is making me feel unsafe right now?” It usually turns out to be something small and symbolic, not something important. For example I’m currently dealing with two different people whose preferred form of passive aggression is to ask a group the same question repeatedly, sometimes in the same meeting, even though I’ve answered it (sometimes in front of the same group!), with wide-eyed innocence, as if I’d never answered at all. Consciously, when they do this I’m filled with “this is so rude! this is so inefficient!!1!! whywhywhy?!?!?” But actually me feelings come from a really, really basic fear of being ignored and treated like nothing, rooted in serious abuse from a long, long time ago–*and that abuse is not happening now, and I am not powerless now.*

    I don’t exactly feel filled with flowers and sunshine after these series of thoughts, but it does stop the spiral and help me avoid engaging with the people driving me up the wall.

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  95. Not on board*

    In addition to the other suggestions – find an appropriate outlet for your rage. If you’re physically able, some kind of workout like running, elliptical, etc or physical task even like yardwork, shovelling snow.
    This is going to sound really violent but I promise I’m not a violent person:
    I would go to the gym after work, run on the treadmill with angry music in my ears, and then imagine smashing the rage-inducer into a pulp. I truly visualized it while I was running. After 15 minutes – rage gone.

    Also, take breaks to watch something for a few minutes that you find funny and makes you laugh out loud. It can really relax you and help you stay civil.

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  96. Jennifer Juniper*

    If you’re not a federal worker, be thankful you have a job that is not in danger.

    Think about homeless people. Be grateful you have the privilege of housing, meals, heating, clothing, and everything else
    All of this comes from your job. Be thankful to your employer.

    Be thankful that you were given the skills necessary to get a promotion – at another company.

    Then bounce ASAP from your old job to your new job.

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    1. Three Flowers*

      Uh, I don’t think that’s helpful to this OP. In fact, it’s spectacularly unhelpful. Those of us in exploited jobs can recognize that we could be worse off and other people are without trying to make ourselves happy about the way we’re treated.

      OP *definitely* should not waste their energy cultivating a sunny attitude of gratitude to a company that cares about profits, not people, and treats them like this. Because that’s what it is: a waste.

      “Given the skills necessary to get a promotion” = worked without equitable pay at a stressful, high-level job for a year while being lied to

      Yeah, OP owes these people nothing.

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    2. Yes And*

      “Be thankful to your employer.” For what?

      A job is a business exchange, labor for compensation. If all goes well, both sides feel they’ve gotten fairly in exchange for what they’ve given. That is clearly not the case here.

      I have no patience for this patronizing, noblesse oblige attitude toward the employment relationship. Employers don’t provide more jobs or more compensation than is needed to run their businesses, nor should they. That’s not how it works.

      I’m not knocking gratitude. It can be a healthy, calming attitude to take. Gratitude toward the universe or luck or your higher power or whatever, for your having the ability to earn your living in a society where life must be earned – sure, if that floats your boat, go to town. Gratitude toward your employer should not enter the picture.

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    3. Elbe*

      Practicing gratitude only really works if the person actually feels gratitude, and I don’t think that that’s where the LW is right now. Trying to force oneself to be positive has the reverse effect for a lot of people.

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  97. Ellis Bell*

    I think everyone has made the mistake of getting emotionally attached to their job, but the first emotion we get tempted into indulging isn’t anger, but loyalty and a desire for validation. So, OP, I have done what you did; agreed to work a role for free, or for a bargain price, because I thought I should show loyalty and because I thought that it would be repaid with the validation of promotion. You do discover that a responsible employer would never ask you to work on the credit of promises like that. Even if they intend to reward you, so many things can change when hiring for roles. If anyone tries to get you to offer them a free trial ever again in the future, consider if you’re actually getting anything tangible out of it. Sometimes it makes good resume padding, but generally, people who want the milk for free, never do come around and pay for it. So now that the horse is already bolted, and you are mad, what do you do? Use the feeling to vow never to audition with free work again. Work more exactly to your job description than ever before, and let people fail if they aren’t qualified. Although it stings, the pain will protect you when you see this kind of validation bait again, and you will. It will save you in so many future situations.

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  98. Red*

    Quiet Quit was made for this.
    I only do what’s expected of me. I don’t take on extra work, I don’t chime in with context when ‘the boss’ has a great idea, I smile politely and don’t lengthen conversations.
    Every free second I have at work I use it for personal endeavors. No job requires 100% of your time so don’t give it. Put in your time and then do whatever you want.
    Remember they’ll sink their own ship; you just focus on getting on another (or maybe build your own!).

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  99. CAinUK*

    It’s hard to do this deftly, but it can also feel cathartic AF to suddenly forget how to do any extra parts of your job and some revenge by being suddenly very nice but stupid:

    “Oh my gosh, I’m SO GLAD you’re finally here [dump pile of work on FratBro’s desk]. I’ve been trying SO HARD but we needed YOU and your expertise so I’m SO HAPPY to hand this over to you!”

    “I’ve been working so hard at that extra job until FratBro arrived it turns out I need to take a lot of PTO right now! Oh, you want me to train FratBro? I never had any training, I’m sure you hired him for his skills so I’m sure he can eventually train ME! I’m off for a week, bye!”

    FratBro: “How do I [insert incompetence]?”
    OP: [blank stare] “Oh my gosh, I have no idea either. I’m so glad you’re here! Now I can get back to my [old tasks] and leave by 5p. Whew, so happy you’re here!”

    Imagine that the moment he arrived, you suffered a concussion and forgot how you did things or how to critically problem-solve. I mean, sure, be careful not to actually deny a direct request…but oh my gosh you have SO MANY QUESTIONS for FratBro each time he delegates because this wasn’t actually your job, so I guess you BOTH need to read your handover notes TOGETHER because you don’t remember either. Make it annoying.

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    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Yes this! I also think the OP could look at this like she’s watching something from outside, like some sort of realty office show. Now that FratBro is here how is he going to react to the work. How is the boss going to react when OP says they have other commitments and cant do the work for him. How long is FratBro going to last and can I get out before he does.

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  100. Harper*

    Quiet quitting. Do the bare effing minimum that you can without getting reprimanded or damaging your professional reputation. Late in, early out, long lunches, burn through your vacation, take mental health days as needed. No weekend work, no checking email in the evenings. Also, focus on why the job is serving you. Behaving professionally is for YOU and will serve you after you escape.

    Also, I’m sorry this happened. Your company sucks.

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  101. Three Flowers*

    There with you, my friend. I lift weights and do a high-intensity sport. That’s not accessible to everyone, but finding a thing you can do with your body or senses that has nothing to do with work and preferably gives you an outlet for making angry noises or rage scribbles can help. In grad school I took drawing classes, which don’t make you scream but do force your brain to connect to the world in different ways (and if you just need to X out a whole bunch of stuff with smeary charcoal, you can do that too).

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  102. Koala*

    I’ve started thinking of people I dislike at the office as 3 raccoons standing on each other’s shoulders pretending to be human beings and it has cheered me right up and I feel much more kindly towards them. “Aw, of course you’re bad at X task, any raccoon would be.”

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  104. Sparkles McFadden*

    My “Ask the Readers” comments are always long, so apologies in advance…

    First, there are all of the physical things you can do: Exercise, deep-breathing, getting plenty of rest etc. Any exercise or sport you enjoy will help burn off the rage, clear your mind, and help you sleep.

    Then, there’s distancing yourself at work. When I get very Hulk-smash at work, I pretend I am being videotaped and act the way I want to be seen and not how I feel. It sounds stupid, but it works for me.

    Remind yourself that it’s work, and though you want to do a good job, that doesn’t mean you have to everyone else’s job. Stop being helpful. Politely push back on all of the extra work you’ve been doing. When my boss promoted an idiot and asked me to help him “grow into the job” (that I’d been doing), I started working strictly to my job description. I’d smile pleasantly and say “Oh, no, I think it would be better for [promoted guy] to do that as that’s some high-level stuff.” When she’d push her own work onto me, I’d say “I really need you to set priorities for me if you want me to to be able to do this extra work” and then refuse to do anything on whatever it was until she did that…which she never did. I’d also remind myself of how very screwed my boss would be when I left. (When I left she threw a temper tantrum, complained to everyone about me and, finally, got herself fired.)

    Finally, there’s this: Do things to amuse yourself. When I worked with an extremely lazy and nasty coworker, I spent five minutes each day setting up stuff that would annoy the hell out of her. I’d leave only one sheet of paper in the copier so she’d have to refill it. I’d leave the toilet seats up in the ladies room (because that freaked her out), and a dozen other tiny things that caused no harm but bugged this person so very much. You can amuse yourself in nice ways too, by taking a walk or something, but I admit I always enjoyed my little spiteful moments.

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  105. Parenthesis Guy*

    This happened to me a few times.

    One time I continued working hard. I decided that only trying as little as possible was going to mean I wouldn’t learn much and would be less able to jump ship. It would really only hurt me. I ended up getting the promotion I wanted about a month before getting an offer from another company. In this case though, I knew I could get the promotion at any time and it’s not like I was blocked by someone else.

    In another case, I decided it’s time to do less work outside of my role and spend more time training. Unless someone left, there wasn’t going to be room for me to move up. Eventually, I moved elsewhere to a better spot.

    The commonality is that in both cases I realized I had to do what was best for me to help me move on and out. That didn’t mean necessarily watching videos all day or not doing my work. That would just hurt me. But figuring out how to move elsewhere. The OP needs to realize that this company isn’t going to help get to where he wants to go. That means he needs to find a way to get out and go somewhere that will.

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  106. Marmitefan*

    This is such a well timed article – I’m full of rage after an unjustified email slap down from an executive at my company today. I try and give myself some perspective by reminding myself of when things have been much worse for me at previous jobs. Hope you get a new job soon!

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  107. Semi-retired admin*

    Now, I’m not actually recommending that anyone do this, but I thought it was hilarious and so satisfying! I’m reading a novel where the protagonist is in an dead end job and takes out her frustrations by adding postscripts to her emails that say what she really thinks, then changes the font color to white. Of course, the excrement hits the fan when she forgets to change the color one day.

    In case you’re wondering, the book is I Hope this Finds You Well by Natalie Sue. It’s good, but the main character’s depression can be hard to read.

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  108. Working under my down comforter*

    Get how many vacation and personal days you have in writing. If you need to resign, you’ll know exactly what is owed to you.

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    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      IF this is company policy and/or if they live in a state where this is required. I would actually be taking vacation now.

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  109. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

    I’m currently in full-of-rage mode, and have been for several months. It’s really hard – disassociating is helpful in some ways but it also makes me resent the hours I spend staring at my screen not remotely giving a shit about what I’m doing. Spending time in highly engaging activities outside of work and investing heavily in my community is helpful, but then I just spend all my time at work daydreaming about quitting so I would have more time for those things.

    What I’ve ultimately found to be sustainable is doing a written weekly list and daily list of medium-term projects and specific actionable steps to take each day. It’s very task-focused. I’ve found it allows me to leave work feeling like I didn’t completely waste my time, and makes the hours go by faster when I have something clear to focus on, but keeps me out of feeling invested in the bigger picture. I can be good at my job and hate the context that I’m good at my job in.

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  110. As I Live and Breathe, Raisin?!*

    Frame it as amusement. Knowing you are not going to be working there much longer makes it easier to view this from a detached point of view. Instead of this bozo who is taking my job and also making my life harder it’s this bozo who will likely cost the company money and wasted time. It’s like going on a bad first date, if you view it as a waste of time in your search for love it’s sad but if you view it as a hilarious experience you can laugh about with your friends then it’s not so bad.

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  111. Tarantula Bandit*

    Some ideas which may or may not apply depending on your specific situation: Have a notepad out of sight where you write down the things you want to say in the meeting. Lean in to malicious compliance. Liberally apply RBF. Do not help Mr. Frat unless directly asked and then only with the tasks directly asked. Begin having connectivity problems during Zoom meetings. Play dumb and pleasant. Be a basic minimum amount of polite and no more. Quiet quit as much as possible. Be completely unavailable outside standard work hours. Take many bathroom breaks. Go for a walk at lunch. Keep a burn book that you update throughout the day and ensure only you can see it or access it. Write the names of your grand boss and Mr. Frat on the bottom of your shoes. Up to you how much you deliberately want to step in something gross. When no one is looking throw away something insignificant of theirs. Develop an itch in the corner of your eye and scratch it with your middle finger during a meeting. Become ill and go home when they ask you to do something important (this one is best used sparingly). Put fake meetings on your calendar to get extra breaks during the day. Pretend you yourself are a mediocre man and expend exactly that much effort on your job while exuding exactly that much confidence. You can do it. We believe in you.

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  112. CeeBee*

    I’d just stop working and would shred every note I ever took, any SOPS, and would not lift a finger to help nepo-friend. I’d then write a letter to an employment lawyer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red*

      Oh yeah, seconding the notes thing. I literally destroyed or took every note I had from the job that burned me bad. They were left with zero history of my role aside from archived paper invoices for the 3 years I worked there.

      Reply ↓
    1. Elbe*

      YES. I need a great update for this letter.

      You know that they’re all going to be so shocked because everything was going so well!

      Reply ↓
  114. Amber Rose*

    We pretend we do not see it.

    We do not see the need to put in extra work that is unrewarded.
    We do not see job duties that aren’t in our job description.
    We do not see the passive aggressive emails and respond to them as if they were not.
    We do not see work at all if we’re on breaks or at home.

    We simply do not see things which make us angry because we only see job postings and a future where we’re not dealing with this nonsense.

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  115. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    Like others have said, I think you need to rethink everything. Do just your job and don’t go overboard. If you’ve been staying late you suddenly have urgent appointments after work. You can’t do extra projects, etc. Do your job and do it well, but don’t let them continue to push you to do more work. I have a feeling this new boss won’t know what to do and will rely on you.
    “Oh, you don’t now how to do X? Well I cannot help with that anymore.”

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  116. Fresh outta hell*

    AVID read but first time commenting. I can’t offer much advice — I was in a similar situation and literally just quit after 10 years with nothing lined up. It was a rough few months financially and I finally realized how crappy/toxic my job was but I’ve never been more a peace with a decision in my life.

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    1. Fresh outta hell*

      soooooo – if you can leave — LEAVE. I completely understand not being able to. I probably shouldn’t have but here we are :)

      Reply ↓
  117. FattyMPH*

    You’re mad because your energy went to a company that stole it for no reward. Getting mad at the workplace intensifies that problem — it’s continuing to send your energy into the vortex. I would be thinking about where I wish my energy had gone during the last year and doing that instead. I would be calibrating my work output to the least remarkable colleague I can think of — to be as close to “average” as possible, not incompetent, but not shining in any kind of way. If I saw an opportunity to go above and beyond I would try really hard not to take it. I would also be making as many petty choices as I could get away with without seeming incompetent, because you do gotta let it out somewhere.

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  118. PlainJane*

    Ugh. Early on in my career, I had a boss who wanted to promote me out of a temp job into a regular one (page to clerk, if you’re a library person). I’d been acting as a clerk for two years, and took the exam and got a 98/100 on it–typo in the typing test. She finally got the second position approved… and they filled it with someone else without even interviewing me while my boss was on vacation. I had to train the person. I explained library shelving with Dewey and said, “It’s decimals, like in school,” and she said “I didn’t understand them then, either.” After fuming for a while and examining my options, I applied for library school, left the city, and got my degree. That was my response. But it involved a lot of student loans that really buried me for a long time.

    In this case, the first thing you do is start looking for a new job. Hold it in your head that this situation is only temporary. You now have quite a lot of experience at the higher level. Apply it to your resume. Go to work, do your job, smile politely, and inside your head, know that as soon as you have something else locked down, you’ll give your two weeks’ notice. And if you can, take those two weeks as vacation.

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  119. migrating coconuts*

    Stay to your normal 40 hour work week. No emails, texts etc after those hours. And repeat after me: “That’s fratbro’s job”, “You need to ask fratbro that”, “I need you to get that in writing from fratbro before I can work on that”, “let me forward that email/text to fratbro, that’s out of my perview now”, and so on.

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  120. Still working it out*

    Some profound advice I heard in a TV show some time ago, “there’s always an idiot* the trick is to negotiate round them to get what you want without them realising you think they are an idiot*.”

    What is it that you still want out of this situation OP? Focus on your own goals in this. (I want a good reference, I want to take my plants from the break room, I want to go on a training course to improve my chances of getting a better paid job.) whatever you want for yourself make that your focus, not the situation.

    *she did not say idiot. Reference is from British TV show Happy Valley.

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  121. Employed Minion*

    For some immediate rage-release, I would recommend a wreck room. They give you safety gear and a sledge hammer, then let you into a room full of TVs, monitors, etc. You get to destroy everything. My sister in law did this when she got divorced. She said it was great

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  122. CSRoadWarrior*

    I have been there, but for different reasons. Still, the rage you are feeling and the one I felt was exactly the same, and just as intense. My reason is not important so I will not say why. Just understand that I know how you feel.

    Start looking for a new job immediately, and quit as soon as you have an offer that you like. Even if you can hide it right now, you can only hide it for so long. Trust me because I learned it the hard way – My work started to suffer, my attitude started getting worse, I commuted to work pissed off as hell every day, and the final nail in the coffin was when I made a big mistake at work – I got fired.

    So start looking for a new job now. And then quit as soon as you sign an offer letter and have a start date. I am looking forward to when you quit. The boss will likely squirm and panic. But at that point, it is not your problem anymore. They treated you like this; they deserve it.

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  123. It Me*

    I’m in a union, and our contract has a clause that if you’re doing another person’s job (or a portion of their job) and they make a higher salary than you, you get a pay differential to make up the difference between yours and theirs until you’re no longer doing that job.

    It’s amazing, and I highly recommend everybody get themselves a union. Put your anger to work, you know?

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  124. Binge Crosby*

    I’m in a similar situation right now, and in addition to what others have suggested (disengaging, self-care, humor), I’ve also stopped complaining about my situation. To others, to myself, to anybody. Dwelling on it just makes me feel worse, it allows unworthy people to live rent-free in my head, and I run the risk of annoying other people with my same-old-sad-story. There’s also a certain empowered feeling to know that I can at least act like I’m not enraged.

    Of course it’s not good to keep things bottled up past a certain point, so I’m monitoring how this affects me, but it’s been helpful so far. And I probably wouldn’t recommend this to somebody who’s stuck in a job they can’t leave. Also, please know that I’m *not* insinuating that you shouldn’t have “complained” on AAM about your situation. You definitely should have! :-)

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  125. fancy girl mathematician*

    Find a sport that involves hitting things.

    My partner went through a rage-y period at work. He found a local sports center with batting cages and practiced hitting baseballs with his baseball bat. He reported that it helped.

    Also when I was able to do tennis lessons, I concluded that it must all be the fault of the little fuzzy green balls— things were sooo much better when I hit them!

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  126. ferrina*

    This happened to me. I played the long game and karma took the wheel.

    Background about the same- I was easily the most qualified person for the role, the company didn’t bother looking at actual candidates and picked a less qualified staffer who was BFFs with a higher-up. The boots-on-the-ground people were appalled and were worried I would be forced out. Well, I started my job search that day, but then the economy tanked and it took me a while to get out. But in the meantime….

    I was the nicest, most helpful resource New Boss had ever seen. New Boss was ready to go to war with me, but instead I was helpfully providing documents, asking if she wanted me to mock up a draft of this and that (a draft that she would put her own name on and claim as her own work). She was wildly unqualified, and having me there as a mook who would do the hard parts of her job (i.e., knowing anything about doing the job) made her complacent. Too complacent.

    I started with small stuff, like drafting reports, then moved to drafting policies. New Boss adopted every policy I put before her. I helpfully volunteered to be in charge of the policies, and she gave me the authority. Within 6 months I was running the department in everything but title (and pay). I overhauled certain practices and made our team more efficient and less stressed.

    Then comes karma. I find a new job. I’m out of there! All that time that I had been doing her job for her, I had been building my resume. A larger, more prestigious company saw those accomplishments and hired me in at the same role as New Boss. My boss attempts to counter-offer, and I laugh in her face- there was no title bump. and the counter-offer was 30k less than my new offer. My new salary was higher than hers by 15%, which she was very wour about.

    But that’s not all. Since I had been doing her job, as soon as I left everything fell apart. Most of the rest of the department jumped ship. New Boss disappeared in administrative leave, then quietly faded out of existence. The Grandboss who had hired New Boss was force to retire–he had been completely inept, which was made clear when he couldn’t get New Boss to do her job after I left, and he had no idea how to even post her job because he had no idea what she did. Less than 2 years later, the inept CEO was forced out. He had been Grandboss’s boss and allowed Grandboss’s incompetence to go unchecked for years. The board noticed a continuing trend of lack of profitability, and chucked the whole incompetent C-Suite in favor of someone that actually knew how to run a company.

    Anyways….hope you get a new job soon and that karma works overtime for you!

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    1. CSRoadWarrior*

      As they say, karma is a b*tch. And boy was it really one here. Based on what you said, I am surprised the company did not go out of business.

      But good for you for finding a new job and getting out of there. You definitely deserved it!

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  127. Elbe*

    If the LW feels like they can handle it professionally, it may make them feel better to address the issue with their grandboss (not the new hire) directly. There are professional ways to say, “I feel like I was mistreated and now I’m upset.” Fair note, though, that it may compound the rage if grandboss doesn’t react well to it.

    The LW should soothe the rage by imaging how hard the know-nothing new hire is going to crash and burn once the LW gets a new job. It’s a near certainty that grandboss felt comfortable hiring this unqualified dude because he assumed the LW would still be around to do the work for him. Imagining his shocked pikachu face when the LW resigns may help the LW get through the day.

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  128. Hoobert Heever*

    Aside from the old stand-bys of alcohol and ibuprophen :) , I suggest passive resistance, especially if you are likely to be able to find a new job quickly.
    – Nothing extra. Not an extra hour. No volunteering. No mentoring. Save your energy for building a new life elsewhere. Sometimes the only revenge you can get is to not help anymore
    – do your job as written and only your job, which will be hard. You’ve been used to functioning at a higher level and doing it well. You need to make yourself smaller now – I find that easier to do when I see the things that fall down because I’m not doing the extras. Push things to the new boss. If he doesn’t ask, don’t volunteer information. Get something thorny and political? Pass it to him. Let him solve it.
    – if someone comments or asks, be careful in your response. Words get repeated. Emails can be forwarded. Simple straight-forward responses are best. “Bob hired someone else *shrug* I don’t know why. He never talked to me about it.” You’ve probably been open and collaborative before now. A short simple reply like the above implies how you were treated but is still professional.
    -You are going to need a physical outlet for the rage, especially if (like me), it makes it difficult to sleep. If you do not have an exercise program, get one.
    -Consider starting a meditation program. When I get mad, I get all up in my head. Meditation and concentrating on my breathing helps me focus on my body and get out of my head. It relaxes me and helps me sleep.
    – Find a safe outlet for verbalization. Maybe it’s a journal you do at home. Maybe it’s a walk with your dog where you can rage at the pooch. Just be careful. When you have to control the rage and keep it from it’s appropriate target, it can come out elsewhere. You can yell at your spouse and kids too much or road rage or swear at the grocery store clerk.
    -Think about how you will tell your story in interviews. This is an area where you need to be especially careful not to let the anger out. “Management chose to go in a different direction, but I got really valuable skills out of this time like X and Y, and discovered that I’m really good at Z. I’m excited to be able to use those skills in your company doing A and B.”
    -When you need to burn off some steams, mentally write your resignation note. The one you would LIKE to send, not the one you will actually send. Remember that the best way you can hurt them now is to leave and take your skills and institutional knowledge with you.

    So many of us have been in your position, and it sucks. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Hopefully this is the action that opens a new door elsewhere, with a new destiny where you will be paid more, respected more, and treated better. Good luck!

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  129. Eleanor Abernathy*

    I went through this a few years ago when my organization was being run by fools actively harming it and making it unsafe for employees. I ended up doing mandated sessions with EAP because I couldn’t control my rage. And it helped so much — having someone validate my feelings and then give me strategies to survive the environment I couldn’t control change was both the validation and help I needed. Luckily, the fools left and the place got a lot better

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  130. Library Lady*

    The last time I left a job for rage-inducing reasons, it was like a switch flipped in my head and I realized I couldn’t safely work there anymore. This was actually fortunate for me bc it allowed me to be coldly calculating and emotionally detached until I found another job. It sounds like you’ve hit a similar point where you know you can’t work there anymore, so try to tap into some level of comfort knowing that you’re working to leave. To second other suggestions, make liberal use of any banked PTO especially if it doesn’t get paid out when you leave. Stick to your job description as much as you can and embrace the magic of “quiet quitting.” Try not to bank all of your hopes on any particular job opening, but look at each application sent out as a step towards extricating yourself from your current situation. And if you can take time off between jobs to process some of the negative emotions, please do so – it’s one of the things I wish I had done when I left my rage-inducing job.

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  131. joriley*

    A former colleague once told me, “Every time someone pisses me off I block an hour on my calendar to apply for jobs.”

    Not practical in all circumstances (and probably not feasible *every* time) but an option!

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  132. NeurodivergentEducator*

    I had an incompetent boss who also effectively demoted me from the position I was hired for. She had plausible deniability because the job was coded incorrectly (It was coded as a teacher, but my role was more of an instructional coach), and the principal who hired me had left. However, before she was hired to run the department, she had experienced some of the training workshops I had put on, so she was aware of my role despite her saying the opposite.

    She claimed to have leadership experience in my content area, but I eventually learned that she had only run a summer program for one summer. When she was hired, I had 10 years of experience as a department head in my content area. Even though she changed my role, I decided to stay on as a teacher. Whenever we had conversations in which I shared an idea, she would pass it off as her own. She would also yell at me for undermining her. I couldn’t figure out what was setting her off, but eventually, I realized that just existing and having experience undermined her fragile ego.

    So I decided to kill her with kindness- I regularly said things like “As you know…”, “I’m sure you’ve seen this before…”, “Oh wow, that’s such a hard situation,” or anything to stoke her ego. Then, I stopped offering ideas and deflecting them back to her–“What do you think?” “What’s happened when you’ve had to handle something like this before?” –and she couldn’t answer.

    The pettiness got me through.

    (And now I’m the department head. My department was removed from her supervision, and I was hired to take over. To say this unhinged her is an understatement.)

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  134. NotHannah*

    This may be the most extreme option, but I asked my physician and got a prescription for Xanax during my final weeks of work rage. I was just having such a hard time managing it but I had to keep going.

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    1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

      Yeah. This can help. I have a policy that if I’m losing sleep over work, I open the work computer, call out sick for the next day, have an edible, then go back to bed. It’s helped a lot.

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  135. Generic Name*

    I went through something similar at my last job. I took some sick time (at the insistence of my husband) when I was initially feeling upset/rage-y. As I job hunted, I took a look at all of the extras I had been doing, and I let management know that I needed to hand off those extras to others because I couldn’t do then anymore (I didn’t give an explanation). Even though I worked really really hard to keep a mask on and act like nothing was wrong, my manager could tell something was going on. I’m not proud of this, but I lied to him and said that it was stuff going on in my personal life that was why I seemed stressed/upset. I had worked at that place a long time and had been increasingly unhappy, and there was a “last straw” event that made me rage apply. Me talking to management about the plethora of problems I was having was basically just how the company was run, so it was time for me to go.

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  136. Pumpkin cat*

    Time is the best healer, and getting that new job. Focus your energy on that. Also, get extra sleep and exercise more.

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  137. Eatyourveggies24/7*

    Had a similar situation, filed a gender pay discrimination complaint which hr took seriously and is pending. Job hunting takes time and it’s hard to stay motivated at the rage-inducing job. Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  138. Dasein9 (he/him)*

    Add me to the list of people suggesting some time off. Take some time to just be you, not your job description. It will help with distancing your sense of self from what you do for money.

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  139. The Flying Phalanger*

    Reminds me of once when I knocked myself out to single-handedly meet a deadline, working multiple 70 and 80 hour weeks while caring for a newborn. In the next staff meeting, my manager briefly mentioned that “we” hit the deadline and then moved on to talking about the next emergency project. When I cooled off I met with him, showed him my hour tracking and told him in no uncertain terms I did a GREAT job and deserved a bonus and an award. The next staff meeting he made a big show (which only I knew to be insincere) of giving me an award and a little bonus. I still treasure the little plaque I made him give me. One thing I’ve learned over time is to never expect or hope that higher-ups notice your work. TELL THEM, as bluntly and repeatedly as possible. Hit them over the head with everything you’re doing and how great you are.

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  140. Blue Pen*

    Smash rooms. Bowling. Tennis. Batting cages. Sports, in general. Anything that lets you channel your anger and frustration in a physical way does wonders for me.

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  141. WendyCity*

    With full awareness that this is probably maladaptive: pick a favorite fictional character who is good at their job and not filled with burning rage, and decide that you are a one-woman show performing that character.

    If no one comes to mind immediately, then pretend you are an NPC in a video game. Bland smiles, catchphrases, and quickly moving on when someone tries to engage you in conversation.

    I try to remind myself that rage is intimate, and none of these people have earned intimacy – you only get a thin crust of a person now, and not an ounce more.

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  142. Yup*

    I hate that they can drain you, take advantage of you, refuse to acknowledge it, expect you to give more of your life, won’t hear of paying you more even though the company is saving lots of $$$, and you still have to toe the line and swallow the rage–all of which is incredibly bad for your mental health, physical health, family life, and general well-being.

    I wish the answer was to stand up and not take it anymore. But until we do this collectively, I wish you a very quick and a very wonderful transition to a place that appreciates you.

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  143. 2 Cents*

    In my last range-induced job search, I only did the bare minimum required of me to remain in everyone’s good graces. I suddenly had a lot going on in my outside life, and therefore couldn’t do anything extra (I was fortunate that those types of events were not mandatory in my line of work). I took my full lunch break every single day. I came on time and I left on time. I didn’t hurry. I took all of my vacation days. I slowly removed my personal items from the office so my last day would be only 1 bag’s worth. I was impeccably polite to coworkers, but wasn’t overly warm and didn’t offer any camaraderie beyond that. My work friends knew what was up, but others just thought I was going through something (I had come back from maternity leave determined to leave that place). I still had lots of rage, but what kept me going was knowing this wasn’t the only workplace on earth.

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  144. Self-Taught Cardiologist*

    I have been in similar situations, on an ongoing basis, for the past few years–and I work for a federal agency, so you can add all of the recent turmoil into my daily experience. I have only one piece of advice for you (and for everyone else), and that is “Never outsource your heart attack to someone else.” What I mean is, don’t let others control your emotions and stress levels by provoking you–that way leads to disaster. If you want to have a heart attack due to your own choices (food, lack of exercise, etc.) that’s certainly your right–but don’t let someone else make it happen on your behalf.
    FWIW, I’ve had to repeat that concept to myself in a wide variety of settings, until I came to realize that there was no reason they should have any handle on my emotions, my responses to their bad behavior/incompetence, etc. My blood pressure is down while I’m at work, and ironically, I’m making better choices in the rest of my life, too–better diet, more exercise, less working hours. If I have a heart attack, it definitely won’t be due to job-related stress.

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  145. Lolllee*

    I was in this exact position. The company had to hire 3 people including a manager to replace me when I left. I found it helped to get a hobby that had absolutely nothing at all to do with work. I chose cooking and if I found myself getting overwhelmed with rage at work, I’d take a break and read a cookbook or plan a recipe. I found it helped. I also started using my vacation, not asking, but telling them when I would be taking time off. Even leaving a few hours early helped.

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  146. Oh January*

    Start writing your memoir in another tab. It might help to describe things as though to an outsider… and then by the time you leave you’ll have written a book.

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  147. PayRaven*

    1. If there’s anything you can comply with maliciously, now’s the time.

    2. If you’re anything like me, there’s still an unexamined baseline of boss’s expectations kicking around in your brain. Do what you can to prise those out and chuck them. My favorite phrase to use here is “We’re all allowed to want things.” Your boss wants you to do this extra work? I’m sure he does. He’s allowed to want that. His wanting that is completely unrelated to anything about you. Repeat as necessary.

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  148. Sharon*

    Try to let go of the expectation that things will be fair. When a person or an organization demonstrates repeatedly that they act a certain way, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration if you continue to expect something different. Assume they are going to act as they have in the past and plan accordingly.

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  149. Pomodoro Sauce*

    When I was in a similar situation, I got a dialectical behavior therapy workbook because while I’m not normally a highly reactive person, long-simmering rage really brought that out. The lessons on recognizing my strong emotions, validating them, and accepting the reality of situations has given me some great job skills now, in a different, better place.

    I also set a ten-minute limitation on how long I could complain about my job with my spouse and friends, and they promised to be validating and supportive for that amount of time. I also tried to figure out how to have some solid unrelated personal time between work and home, so I wouldn’t bring a lot of that energy home. Sometimes one of my friends and I would meet for coffee and go for a walk specifically to complain about our jobs — one of us would complain on the walk out and the other would complain on the way back.

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  150. FreudOnWheels*

    My favorite two strategies are:
    – Hot or cold drinks, or splashing hot or cold water on your face or wrists – it can be regulating and grounding
    – Making jokes to yourself internally – I love relying on my sense of humor in a crappy situation

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  151. H.C.*

    Stop doing any extras, particularly any duties that used to fall in your Boss’ realm or does not fall within your job description; if people are coming to you with those requests – send them up to NewBoss, it’s his circus/monkeys now.

    Take up a hobby/interest outside of work and avoid becoming personally invested in your job; this includes leaving your workstation during breaks/lunches and not putting in any overtime (unless you need the money.)

    Have a plan in place in case you feel the seething rage overtake you – again, could be a brief walk around the workplace, 3-/5-minute mindfulness session, a quick game you can play (Wordle, Sudoku, etc.).

    Reply ↓

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