interview felt like an exam, HR is sending everyone Valentine’s Day candy “from” other coworkers, and more

by Alison Green on February 13, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Interview felt like an exam

I had my first job interview in over 20 years yesterday, and it felt like an exam. Five people peppered me with a long list of questions, mostly hypotheticals. None of the questions were about my experience or my training. Only a couple were about what I had to offer the employer. The rest were, “What would you do if [thing that has never happened to me in all my many years working in this field] happened?”

The thing was, I found myself answering all the questions not with what I would do, but with what Ms. Perfect would do, if she had a textbook to refer to while the crisis was unfolding.

In the long ago past, I’ve had interviews that were more like “This is what we need someone to do. Have you done it before? Do you know how?”

It left a bad taste in my mouth and left me wondering if I wanted to work with these people, although they seemed nice on the whole. Am I off-base here? Have interviews become more like this since I was last in the hot seat? Should I be studying lists of hypothetical questions?

I’m not a fan of hypothetical questions in most interviews since they’re often easy for candidates to bluff their way through. Interviewers generally learn a lot more by probing into what people have actually done in situations they have actually experienced — which is why “tell me about a time when…” questions are used so much.

That said, I’m even less a fan of “have you done X before?” or “do you know how to do X?” because anyone can respond to that with “yes” and it tells you nothing about their real-life abilities. Maybe they’ve done X but badly! Maybe they saw someone else do X and are confident they can too, when it takes more practice to do well.

It sounds like these people just aren’t great at interviewing … but that’s pretty common. I’d pay more attention to what you’ve learned about the job, the manager, the culture, and the experiences of people working there. And if you don’t feel like you have a good sense of those things yet, ask plenty of your own questions before you accept an offer.

2. HR is sending everyone Valentine’s Day candy grams … from other coworkers

I work in a niche section of the healthcare industry at a medium-sized company. For a variety of reasons, I am currently looking for a different job. One of the things upsetting me is that our HR department (which is all of two people, one of whom is the daughter of the VP in charge of HR, which is a whole other issue) is trying and failing to improve company morale with more and more “events” instead of substantive changes like paper towels in the bathrooms or pay increases. Last week, there was a rock-paper-scissors tournament during the workday, and in a late afternoon email the day before we were told it was an “opt out” event — if you didn’t opt out, you were pulled away from your job up to three or four times in a couple hours to play rock-paper-scissors against someone else in the company, even if you were remote, in a bracketed tournament until someone finally won a previously-undisclosed prize of a basket of cleaning supplies. This week is the annual chili cook-off, which may or may not have a prize (it has one out of three times, and it has not been announced if there is one this year).

We just received an email stating that the company is sending candy grams to everyone for Valentine’s Day, and to “support” that, everyone has been randomly assigned a coworker to write a Valentine’s message for and it will be signed from us, not the company. I don’t even exchange valentines with my partner of a decade, much less with a coworker I have never met in person! I know this is trying to be nice, and I feel like pushing back is being a party pooper, but I feel really weird about it. I remember in school when some kids would get candy grams and get a bunch of nice personal messages, and others would get none or only one from the teacher, and that was always sad and awkward. I don’t want to make my coworker feel sad or awkward with a generic message, but I don’t know them outside of auditing their work!

I don’t know how to approach this at all, either to participate or to try and argue against doing it. In the past, my boss has been very resistant to passing on feedback to other departments, especially HR, and she strongly encourages our department to participate in all company events, up to and including guilting us about missing them or opting out. I don’t care if the company wants to give everyone candy — just sign it from the company, not me!

Yes, this is weird. But there’s no reason your message with the card can’t just be “Happy Valentine’s Day!” This is different from the school dynamic where it’s seen as a popularity contest, and I don’t think anyone will be sad not to get a more personal message from a random colleague … and I suspect a lot of people, maybe all, will be writing something similarly bland.

That said, if it’s possible to opt out (it’s not clear if it is) and you want to do that, you should feel free to! You can do that with feedback attached (“I’m uncomfortable sending Valentine’s greetings to coworkers so please don’t include me in sending or receiving”) or without it. If you think your boss will care, you could simply say to her, “I try to participate in company events, but I prefer to opt out of this one.”

3. Assistant always prioritizes my peer’s projects over mine

I work in a small office where support staff are in teams, and I have a dedicated secretary and a dedicated assistant (“Abby”). The issue I’m dealing with is Abby supports me and two others. Abby openly favors “Lucas,” who is my equivalent but much less experienced (think 25 years versus three years in the field). Abby will focus on and complete tasks and projects for Lucas first, and my projects will go on the back burner. When I press for updates or ask our supervisor for assistance, I’m told that Abby is very busy and to see if the other assistants can help. Because I’m not always privy to exact details, and I don’t want to create an adversarial office environment, I’ve started to just give Abby hard deadlines, whereas before I was more flexible to give her autonomy to avoid micromanaging her workflow. (I just started doing that, so I don’t know yet if it will work. But she has not responded to my new emails with the hard deadlines which might be a sign of resistance.)

Our supervisor favors Abby and has openly defended her and made excuses for her, so he is not going to step in. What should I be doing? I’m frustrated and demoralized.

I wish it was a couple of weeks from now so that we’d know if giving the deadlines was going to solve this, because it’s possible that it will. But meanwhile, one tweak I’d make to that plan: can you talk to Abby in person when giving her work so that you can say, “I need this back by (deadline). Is that doable?” so that you’re getting an answer from her on the spot?

If that doesn’t work, can you ask to be assigned a different assistant? If it’s true that Abby is very busy, as your manager says, and can’t compete your work on time, it’s entirely reasonable to ask for an assistant who can. And if you can’t get a different assistant, then it’s reasonable to meet with Abby and Lucas together and ask to figure out some protocols for prioritizing work so that you’re not the one who always gets short shrift.

4. Nose-picking boss

Over the years, I’ve had two different managers who openly pick their noses. It’s disgusting and I’m wondering if there’s an appropriate way to let them know how noticeable and off-putting the behavior is? I’m not talking about a discreet “scratch.” This is full-on digging, examining, flicking, and repeating going on. Years ago I experienced it in person and at one point offered my boss a box of Kleenex from my desk, which he declined and continued picking. Currently it’s happening on Zoom meetings (different company and manager). Both managers have very public-facing roles and general awareness of social decorum … they just both seem to be unaware of this behavior.

WTF?

When you’re in person, offering someone a tissue is a polite way of handling it and should alert them to the issue. If that doesn’t work, you could just hand them a tissue while saying, “Here, let me give you this.”

But over Zoom and when it’s your boss, there’s not much you can do. Video conferencing software really needs to start offering non-hosts a “remove this person from view” option for other participants on the call.

5. Can an employer make you use FMLA for weekly medical appointments?

Our HR team at work is typically stellar, but I’m confused about a recent announcement they made. They said if someone has a weekly medical appointment (i.e., physical or mental health therapy), they will deduct an hour from the person’s sick leave balance and an hour from the person’s FMLA balance. Is it correct that you can have time deducted from two places for one appointment?

Yes. FMLA isn’t a form of paid leave; it’s job protection. It allows you to have up to 12 weeks off per year (for qualifying reasons) without putting your job at risk, but it’s not a separate bank of leave and employers can require it to be used concurrently with your PTO.

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  1. Off Plumb*

    Re #5, wouldn’t it also depend on what the appointment is for? Not all health or mental health conditions are FMLA-qualifying, and not all recurring appointments are for health conditions (like, weekly couples counseling vs therapy for depression). Can you really say that you’re unable to work due to a serious health condition when you’re getting, say, allergy shots?

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      “Can you really say that you’re unable to work due to a serious health condition when you’re getting, say, allergy shots?”

      I’m not an FMLA expert but I would say
      that yes during the time you are going to/at he doctor getting the allergy shot you are unable to work. unless you bring a computer with you and/or can work off your phone. I don’t know that it would count as a “serious health condition” maybe depending on the severity.

      Reply ↓
      1. Samwise*

        Yeah, but that’s just ordinary sick leave.

        Forcing an employee to use up the often limited amount of FML is not in the spirit of the law, and can be a way of subverting it — if you’re forced to use it for routine health appointments, you could easily use up enough of the allowed FML hours to put to yourself in the position of not having enough to cover a serious health situation.

        Reply ↓
        1. Cmdrshprd*

          “that’s just ordinary sick leave.”

          Eh not necessarily intermittent FMLA for recurring conditions/treatments is a valid thing to require FMLA use for.

          Like a weekly medical appointment for ongoing treatment of a bodily medical condition like dialysis/PT or weekly therapy appointment for depression.

          If it’s more of a once a year or twice a year thing I agree it probably is not FMLA eligible. Why allergy shot I think is dependent on severity, if you go once or twice a year probably not FMLA eligible but if you have to go weekly for frequent allergy testing follow up and/or for weekly allergy shots/exposure therapy it probably is FMLA eligible.

          Reply ↓
      1. Off Plumb*

        “Ongoing” is not the same as “serious.” This is what it says in the Department of Labor Employee Guide:

        “You may take FMLA leave to care for your spouse, child or parent
        who has a serious health condition, or when you are unable to work
        because of your own serious health condition.
        The most common serious health conditions that qualify for FMLA
        leave are:
        1) conditions requiring an overnight stay in a hospital or other
        medical care facility;
        2) conditions that incapacitate you or your family member (for
        example, unable to work or attend school) for more than three
        consecutive days and require ongoing medical treatment
        (either multiple appointments with a health care provider, or
        a single appointment and follow-up care such as prescription
        medication);
        3) chronic conditions that cause occasional periods when you or
        your family member are incapacitated and require treatment
        by a health care provider at least twice a year; and
        4) pregnancy (including prenatal medical appointments,
        incapacity due to morning sickness, and medically required
        bed rest).

        I’m going through administrator opinions now, because I’m curious and putting off going to bed, and it certainly seems like, in order to qualify, something must be disabling for an extended period (more than three days) and also require ongoing medical care. Simply being ongoing wouldn’t qualify. But I’m certainly not an expert.

        Reply ↓
        1. HR lady*

          I work with this every day.

          Allergies qualify if they require “continuing treatment by a healthcare provider,” which is what allergy shots are. (See 5 CFR 630.1202.)

          Marriage counseling could qualify if the marital issues are causing a diagnosable mental health condition for the employee.

          Reply ↓
          2. Off Plumb*

            Thank you! I can see that I was putting too much weight on how “serious” was being interpreted. As with most things, five minutes with a search engine are no substitute for expertise and experience.

            Reply ↓
        2. Cmdrshprd*

          But intermittent is a real use of FMLA

          “(Q) Can I continue to use FMLA for leave due to my chronic serious health condition?

          Under the regulations, employees continue to be able to use FMLA leave for any period of incapacity or treatment due to a chronic serious health condition. The regulations continue to define a chronic serious health condition as one that (1) requires “periodic visits” for treatment by a health care provider or nurse under the supervision of the health care provider, (2) continues over an extended period of time, and (3) may cause episodic rather than continuing periods of incapacity. The regulations clarify this definition by defining “periodic visits” as at least twice a year.”

          “Intermittent/reduced leave schedule
          (Q) Does an employee have to take leave all at once or can it be taken periodically or to reduce the employee’s schedule?

          When it is medically necessary, employees may take FMLA leave intermittently – taking leave in separate blocks of time for a single qualifying reason – or on a reduced leave schedule – reducing the employee’s usual weekly or daily work schedule. When leave is needed for planned medical treatment, the employee must make a reasonable effort to schedule treatment so as not to unduly disrupt the employer’s operation.”

          Reply ↓
        3. Off Plumb*

          Based on 29 CFR 825.115 (the Act itself), it’s a question of how incapacitating the condition is. If your allergies would make you not just miserable but unable to work on a recurring basis, then allergy shots might qualify. Your doctor would have to certify that your allergies count as a serious health condition. I don’t see how something like counseling or therapy not tied to a diagnosis would qualify.

          (I’ve taken FMLA for mental health in the past. I’ve also had regular PT appointments for non-incapacitating pain, regular PT appointments for actually incapacitating pain, and lots and lots of recurring mental health treatments. It would suck to have a shorter period of FMLA protection when I was unable to work for weeks at a time because I had to use it for routine appointments. Of course, I also flexed my schedule around the routine appointments; I didn’t use sick time for them.)

          Reply ↓
            1. Off Plumb*

              Yes, and it means if someone is juggling a mild chronic condition that needs regular treatment, and a more serious condition that can be fully disabling, they might not be as protected, and it sucks.

              Reply ↓
              1. misspiggy*

                That’s a really shocking one for me to learn about across the pond. How are chronically ill people who can work but need health care time to be protected once the FMLA time runs out?

                Reply ↓
  2. Samwise*

    In my experience, FML is requested by the employee— it is not something the employer can insist on and force an employee to use. I’ve put off starting FML when I was not yet sure how much I’d need to take — better to save it for something dire than to fritter it away on routine appointments. (I’ve used FML six times in the past 20 years, sometimes continuous and sometimes intermittent ). I did have to use my PTO for the times I was in FML.

    If I were this OP I’d take a good look at the rules and perhaps consult an employment attorney.

    Reply ↓
  3. Luva*

    Re #4: I have solved that problem by sticking a post-it over the distracting person’s little rectangle before. Not an optimal solution, but needs must.

    Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      I’ve done the same. Two of my coworkers use standing desks at home with a mini treadmill. Sure, they get their steps in, but it’s very distracting to watch their heads bobbing up and down. We’re on Teams, so I can’t turn off individual users although I could turn off all incoming video. So I use post-its.

      Reply ↓
  4. Cmdrshprd*

    #3 As a fellow assistant I say hard/soft deadlines are much easier to plan and prioritize versus no deadline or “when you have times chance” or just “can you do x.” I usually try to ask, but when supporting multiple people and juggling a ton of different tasks, I can’t always circle back and ask. It is much easier if the request comes with can you get this done by thur/Fri, or can you get this done by the end of the week.

    Side note: I’m curious at OP3s structure that they have a secretary and an assistant and what the differentiators are. In my experience they are the same, but maybe secretary is more admin stuff and assistant is more project assistant/substantive work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Myrin*

      Re: your second paragraph, I’d assume it’s like you suggest in your last sentence. That’s a structure I’m familiar with which uses the same language, too.
      So the secretary would, for example, handle your calendar and calls, while your assistant would do much the same work as you do yourself but on a smaller scale or with fewer projects or with a very specific focus.

      Reply ↓
  5. RCB*

    So for the company in #5, aren’t they essentially saying that they are only giving their staff time to be sick because they are required to by law, but if you went 1 minute over what is required by law they are prepared to fire you? I can’t think of any reason to do this double dip policy unless it was punitive.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      Idk that it is really punitive, no you won’t get fired for going 1 min overs but generally they can deduct the total time from the 12 weeks, 12 weeks times 40 hours =480 hours.

      But yes they are saying that they only give you minimum required protection for leave. 12 weeks is more than most people have paid time off for.

      FMLA does not require it to be paid, so a place can provide no PTO but still has to give you 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA. But if you have 4 weeks PTO the idea is generally to prevent you from being out for 16 weeks, because legally they only have to protect your job for 12 weeks. I think a lot of places make you use all your PTO along with FMLA. Some will let you stack them.

      Reply ↓
  6. MSD*

    If Abby is dedicated to you then why is she supporting 2 other people? So it doesn’t seem like she’s not. I think there have been several letters from folks who support multiple people and the difficulty they have prioritizing work when the folks assigning the work aren’t coordinating their requirements. The three of you need to talk to each other. It’s also possible Abby is prioritizing Marcus/lucas work because he/they are more demanding.

    Reply ↓
  7. Facts only*

    #3, as stated on this site so often: Don’t focus on Lucas or how and why he seems to be getting preferred treatment. Focus on the impact on your work, how you are not able to meet deadlines, how communication about progess is lacking, how many times you had to to to other assistants, so it doesn’t make sense to stay with Abby in the first place.

    Reply ↓
  8. Nodramalama*

    I’m slightly confused as to whether marcus and lucas are different people for LW3, but have you asked marcus/lucas/abby/your supervisor why their work is prioritised? Maybe abby has been told to priotise their work.

    Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        That makes me wonder about the third person Abby supports. What do they feel – are they the last priority in this all?

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          They mean that the LW sent in a letter using two names (one being their actual name, the other a fictive one) for the same person because AAM had not had her morning coffee, obviously.

          Reply ↓
          1. Myrin*

            That’s what I thought, but I guess I’m not seeing why they’d assume that one was the actual, real-life name as opposed to both being random “pseudonyms” the OP simply got mixed up, which has happened before with letters and generally seems much more likely to me (nevermind that neither of those names is particularly rare and the situation isn’t incredibly unique, either).

            Reply ↓
  9. WoodswomanWrites*

    #1 — That interview would have been taxing for anyone. In response to your question about whether this completely irrelevant hypothetical questioning is the norm, fortunately it’s not. I’ve been in the work world for decades and I can assure you that while there are places that engage in this kind of useless practice, it’s by no means the dominant format. Good luck to you in your search.

    A few years ago I was on an interview panel with a capable team. One of the interviewers, new to the work world in general and to hiring, added a question about what kind of animal the applicant would be if they could choose one. Their manager, not wanting to be discouraging for their employee’s first opportunity as an interview, left that in. We hired a super person for the role, who later told me it was hard not to roll her eyes when she got that question.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seal*

      Honestly, I think it would have been more helpful in the long run if the new employee’s manager had not included their question and kindly explained why it wasn’t appropriate for an interview.

      For the record, my response would be a cat because I’d love to have a staff to cater to my every whim and sleep wherever and whenever I wanted to. Probably not a good thing to say in an interview, though.

      Reply ↓
    2. Metal Gru*

      I think it depends what the hypothetical questions are about. It sounds from the letter that they are relevant to the job (unlike ‘what animal would you be’ etc) as LW did know the “textbook” answers even though LW hasn’t experienced this personally (also, no matter how many years experience LW has, the hypothetical may be real or at least realistic for the new environment!)

      I was hiring for a position where the successful person could have come in with a range of seniority (junior, mid, senior) if they had the right traits. One interviewee was on the more junior side. I asked a question that was based on a real situation, but to her it was hypothetical as she’d never experienced it. She answered with “I haven’t experienced that YET, but what I would likely do is…” which I thought was a good response.

      Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      Indeed.

      I have chronic rhinitis that hasn’t gone away with any of the treatments I’ve tried. It’s relatively mild so my nose isn’t running constantly, but especially in winter with the dry indoor air, dry snot accumulates in my nostrils to the point that I can’t breathe through my nose. The simplest way to get it out is to pick my nose. But I take very good care to only do it in private and to wash my hands properly afterwards, and I definitely don’t do it on camera!

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        Have you tried sea-water sprays? Those are good for scaring the snot loose of your nose, and you won’t accidentally scratch the inside of your nose.

        Reply ↓
  12. anontoday*

    For number 3, perhaps it can become your boss’s problem?
    It might not be possible for you, but if it is, maybe you can just say ‘this will be late because Abby doesn’t have time. Who else can support?’. At the moment, it’s just you feeling the pain so your supervisor doesn’t have any incentive to deal with it.

    Reply ↓
  13. Irish Teacher.*

    LW1, this isn’t a direct answer to your question but I want to point out that interviews differ and one being different from what you are used to….doesn’t necessarily mean anything much. It could be that they are new to interviewing or moved from a different field where a different style was used or that they just read some article or blog post that suggested hypothetical.

    Interviewing isn’t always an exact science. Mostly, it’s just people with no training in it asking questions to try and figure out who to employ. As Aluson said, a lot of people do it badly, not because they are bad at their jobs in general but just because it’s a skill they may not have been trained on.

    And there are all kinds of opinions about which type of questions are best.

    Reply ↓
    1. Irish Teacher.*

      One of the things that influences how people interview is what kind of questions they personally like, so the explanation may be nothing more than that the person or people who interviewed you themselves found hypotheticals easier than the type of questions you are used to and decided they’d use them when they interviewed.

      Of course, there are also interviewers who try to ask the questions they think most difficult or tricky in order to try and catch people out, but a lot of the time people are just working with their own preferences.

      Reply ↓
  14. Expectations*

    What the what?!?!?! Having to register for FMLA and go through that paperwork for routine medical care? That’s insane. And what about folks who average 2-3 appointments a week but they’re for a lot of different reasons? I’ve had times when I had a bunch of different once a month, once every two months, etc appointments on top of a weekly PT appt (which should have been 3x/week but I couldn’t absorb that on top of the other stuff and still work) that collectively meant I had at least two and often three appts every week ongoing, but they were for 5-6 different reasons and with a lot of different medical folks. Who does the paperwork and how does it extend across other medical care that’s unrelated. And FMLA for routine talk therapy? It doesn’t usually come with a mental health diagnosis and is usually entirely at the discretion of the patient because they find it helpful – what is the qualifying serious condition?

    What people do in reality is make up as much of the time as possible and take sick time for the rest. Anything else is unsustainable.

    FMLA for routine appointments? Wow.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      2-3 appointments a week which must be done during work hours does sound so much even for this European that I would expect some kind of long-term agreement put in indeed – I guess in USA that’s FMLA.

      Reply ↓
      1. Expectations*

        You make arrangements with your boss to either make up the time or take sick leave and you manage to that. It’s not that hard. I actually had fewer appointments than a standard round of physical therapy (which is 3x/week for most people for most issues – I just tell them I cannot logistically manage more than 1 which means I progress much slower) and this is the very first time I’ve ever heard of using FMLA for PT.

        Reply ↓
  15. totaleclipse26*

    #4 – I have resorted to opening notepad on my laptop, sizing the window appropriately and moving it to cover a particular co-worker in Teams before.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

      Oh, clever! I’ve done the post-its before but hadn’t thought of that.

      I wonder if Notepad can be set “always on top”, or what else can do that and also be the right size? That would save having to get it back after you have a reason to click on the main screen. (also an advantage of post-its of course :-) )

      Reply ↓
  16. Lexi Vipond*

    OP3 seems to believe that admin support should be allocated according to seniority, but it’s quite possible that the bosses think the opposite, and that Lucas needs more support because he’s newer, especially if it’s the kind of job where you can learn a lot from an experienced admin.

    They need to all talk it out, anyway!

    Reply ↓
  17. Account*

    #2–
    You’re overthinking it! I’ve gotten Valentine’s Day messages from, like, my bank and eye doctor. Just write “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have a great one!”— it’s definitely a waste of time for HR to be organizing this but it’s not a big deal.

    Reply ↓

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