my coworker keeps raising his voice, is it true that you can’t take any time off when you’re new, and more

by Alison Green on February 11, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to work with a jerk who raises his voice, when “that’s just how he is”

I work with Fergus, a senior engineer who has a reputation for being “crotchety,” a term I am starting to push back on because it seems to explain away his unprofessional behavior as a personality quirk or something to be expected because of his age. I’m trying to figure out exactly where to draw the line in order for me and my team to consistently push back against his behavior. On our last call, Fergus joined the zoom and immediately declared his team was not involved in the project and explained to me how he thinks it works. He interrupted me several times and raised his voice in an effort to convince me and/or dominate the conversation, while I (a female, somewhat younger non-engineer) patiently explained to him that he was wrong about how it works and his team did in fact need to be involved. The next bit went well, but he did grumpily end the call with, “I can’t believe we didn’t do it the other way.” I suppose I was hoping for an apology. It was exhausting and I really think the raising of his voice is the line I want to draw. The typical response from colleagues and leadership is always, “Oh, that’s just Fergus!” and I am done with it. I don’t think someone should get to yell, just because “they’re like that.”

So I need a plan. I want to work out ahead of time what my response should be so that a) I don’t have to decide in that irritating moment that he has crossed a line, and b) I can help my team follow the same plan in the hopes that a united front will be successful. So what’s the appropriate response? Innocently ask if he’s okay and needs a minute to calm down? Firmly ask him to stop raising his voice, right there in the meeting? Email him after the fact to say that I am concerned about the tone of the meeting? Cc his boss? Or ours? Maybe only cc his boss the second time it happens? Cc HR the third time? What are my options here? Should I ask HR for advice on how to handle this, given our apparent history of letting Fergus behave however he wants?

In the moment, interject with a calm, “Please stop raising your voice.” The more calm and detached when you say it, the better; you want him to feel like he looks out of control by comparison. It’s possible that alone will be enough; often people who behave like this, especially at work, are used to never being called out on it (because “that’s just how he is”) and so when someone does, it jars them back into behaving more appropriately. So make that your strategy the next few times it happens, and see if he absorbs that he can’t raise his voice around you.

If it continues after that, talk to him one-on-one right after the meeting and call it out even more directly: “You kept raising your voice on that call — can you please not do that? It makes the meeting unpleasant for everyone else, and I don’t want to ask people to tolerate that.”

I think you have a better chance of success calling it out directly than asking his boss, your boss, or HR to intervene — since apparently everyone else has decided they’ll just work around him.

Related:
how to deal with a coworker who’s rude to you
I have to manage the office jerk

2. Is it true that you can’t take any time off when you’re new?

My best friend (who doesn’t work with me) is telling me that since I’m new at my job, my attendance has to be perfect for at least the first year. Doctors appointments on my lunch hour, work when sick, and don’t take any vacation time.

I can see it’s a good idea to be conservative with time off for a while, but no time off for a year seems excessive. She says that bosses will tell you to take your time off, but it’s much too risky for a new hire to get a reputation for not being around. She says it’s a known thing. Am I naive to think I can take reasonable time off without getting a bad reputation?

Your friend is wrong, and sounds like she’s absorbed some weird messages about work somewhere along the line. Sometimes that happens if someone has worked at really dysfunctional companies; other times it stems from messages they’ve absorbed from their families. It’s true that you shouldn’t expect to take a lot of time off when you’re new to a job, but that means “don’t expect to take a week off in month 2” (although even then, if you negotiated it at the time of hire, it might be fine), not that you can’t go to doctor’s appointments or need to work when you’re sick or take no vacation the whole year.

Related:
everything you need to know about time off when you start a new job
how soon after starting a new job can you take a whole week off?

3. Can I keep my own soap in the office bathroom without others using it?

Our daughter was stillborn in 2022 and my husband and I have recently become pregnant again. The hand soap provided at my work isn’t safe to use while pregnant, so I’ve brought my own, but it’s quite expensive.

Carrying my own hand soap back and forth from my office to the bathroom isn’t practical or hygienic. How can I mark the bottle in such a way that my coworkers won’t use it and I don’t seem like I’m being dramatic? FYI, none of my coworkers know we’re expecting and I would very much like to keep it that way.

I don’t think you can, unfortunately. If it’s in the bathroom, some people will use it and it also risks getting tossed. Can you buy a less expensive option to keep there? (I’m guessing you’re trying to avoid antibacterial soap, and there are a number of low-cost alternatives. If you’re having trouble finding them, talk to your doctor about options.) Another option could be something like soap leaves, which you can slip in your pocket when you head to the bathroom, if you can find suitable ones.

4. My employee made such an odd hiring recommendation that I’m doubting her skills

I am retiring in April and while I don’t have a unique job, I have a unique skill set and several people will probably cover my roles. For the administrative part, we’ve pretty much decided what to do, but it’s not finalized. I’ve shared with my staff that the plan is being developed and that I will tell them everything I know as soon as I know it.

Yesterday I received an email from Janet, someone I would consider in a more senior position, recommending her coworker (Amy, who I also supervise) for this position. Amy is in no way qualified to do this role. Janet’s heart was in the right place, and I thanked her for sharing but that was all I said. However, now I am looking at Janet and her abilities in a different way. Her assessment of Amy’s skills is way off. Otherwise, I think Janet’s skills are excellent and my advice to my successor was going to be have her on a path to the next level. Now I’m not sure. How do I get out of this mindset? Am I totally overreacting?

It’s hard to say without knowing more. How clear is Janet on exactly what that position will be and what it will take to do it well? You said you’ve only really shared so far that a plan is in progress, so is it possible that Janet is envisioning the job being something different? Also, how closely has she worked with Amy? Is she well positioned to have seen Amy’s skills and strengths and weaknesses firsthand, or not? If she knows exactly what the position will be and she’s worked with Amy closely enough that she should know she’s obviously not a match, then sure, that’s concerning (if in fact the next step for Janet would mean a job where she’ll need to hire and manage people). But if either of those factors aren’t present, I wouldn’t let this throw you.

If you’re unsure, why not ask her what led her to recommend Amy and approach it from the standpoint of being genuinely curious about her perspective? Who knows, you might hear something that makes it make more sense to you (but if not, that will be helpful info too).

5. How can I push for a standard fee that wasn’t in a contract?

I’m a subject expert in my field and was booked to speak for a larger conference this coming spring. The host organization “merged with” (was bought by?) another that will certainly have value differences and make changes. One was to lay off 25+ staff from the original org. Another was to cancel me from the line up (likely because my point of view is not shared by them, but I’m speculating).

Thing is, the original org booked speakers without formal contracts, which is unusual, but not unheard of and worked because they had a lot of clout in our field. Everyone knew they’d act in good faith, which is good, since they hold more power in our space. (But you see where this is going.)

Normally if an organization cancels me within 90 days of the event, my cancellation fee is 50% of our agreed upon rate. I slotted this event into my schedule to the exclusion of others, began working on my content for them, and am unlikely to fill that space with a new event. This new org has said they’ll pay it, just send my invoice and “executed contract.” I’m reasonably sure they know as well as I that there isn’t one.

My judgement is clouded by my distaste for the new org and its values, so while I’m not disappointed to be off the lineup, I’m also not at ease to not at least try to push for the fee. I know they can dig in and just not pay it, but what I’m looking for is the wording that says, “No official contract is not my fault, and was beyond my control, but you should honor what we both know is typical in this scenario, please.”

Do you have anything in writing confirming the original agreement — even just emails? An email agreement can count as a written contract in many cases. They could push back since there was no cancellation fee specified in those emails, but you’ll at least be able to document that this was a firm agreement, which sounds like the best you can do. Frame it as, “OrgA always used email agreements like the one attached. Since I held space in my schedule, turned down other work for that time, and have already begun working on my content, I’m attaching an invoice for half the fee, per typical practice.”

Also, do you have any contacts from the original org who remain at the new org (or who, even if they’re gone, have some influence there) who would be willing to push on your behalf?

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{ 61 comments }

{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. BigLawEx*

      I see what you did there with that username.

      I’m that pesky person who always wants a contract. Everyone is annoyed. But it eliminates these problems. I get that they’re often not standard, but I swear by them.

      Reply ↓
    2. MK*

      Sure, but also it’s just speculation on OP’s part that they won’t pay her, and in particular that they asked for her contract knowing she doesn’t have one. It may well be someone using standard language.

      Reply ↓
  2. Daria grace*

    #2: an even sort of normal, sensible employer won’t want you using no leave in your first year. They don’t want you bringing viruses into the office or getting so exhausted and burned out your work suffers. For many businesses accumulated unused leave is a financial liability on their books they don’t like to have a lot of. In many areas of financial services and other fields with fraud potential people not taking leave can raise red flags as a sign they may be sticking around to keep a fraud going (fraudulent dealings are commonly caught when someone goes on leave and someone else works on their tasks and takes their calls)

    Unless you were always gone for extremely important dates it’s really unlikely you’d get a reputation for always being gone with the number of leave days available to most people.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      I would say depending on the size and nature of the role, I wouldn’t expect to take a long time off in the first year like 3+ days. Especially if it’s. a coverage based role and time off is booked in advance. This is part of the reason why I recommend taking a week or two off in-between job changes if you can afford it.

      I would say calling in sick as needed, taking time off for medical appointments, or a day or two next to the weekend is fine.

      Most employers I’ve seen don’t allow significant vacation based time off in the first 3 to 6 months. unless something is preplanned/booked and negotiated before starting, I do think it would seem off to take 3+ days off in the first 6 months for a newly booked vacation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Varthema*

        This seems really conservative to me. If someone is hired in June you’d look at them askance for taking a week off for Christmas, or someone hired in February can’t take week off in the summer? The only job I worked in where time off was looked at so askance was retail – so, yes, coverage based, but also, in retail, you’re definitely nowhere near a new employee at 6 months, you may even have a certain level of seniority due to the churn there.
        I’m with you for the first three months, first month I’d be reluctant to even take a day off except for sickness or something truly unavoidable, but 6 already seems excessive.

        Reply ↓
        1. Amy Purralta*

          In the UK there has been a few occasions I have taken 2 weeks leave within the first few months as the holiday was already booked. Nobody batted an eyelid as I just told them about my leave in the Interview. I feel this is a US v UK mindset, but I could be wrong.

          Reply ↓
          1. Michigander*

            I work in the UK and as a manager we have to monitor everyone’s annual leave and make sure they’re actually taking their time off. The last few months of the year there’s a lot of pushing people to take all of the leave that won’t roll over (only 1 week rolls over). I would actually be fairly annoyed if a new hire started and refused to take any leave in the first year.

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    2. WS*

      Yeah, I would say it’s more “be thoughtful until you know your new workplace’s norms”. Maybe this place gives everyone a week off between Christmas and New Year, maybe they have a priority list for popular dates, maybe everyone knows to check leave with Manager Jane rather than Manager Dana because Dana always just says yes without checking and leaves the workplace short on staff.

      Reply ↓
  3. Daria grace*

    #3. Can you decant the soap into one of those little hand sanitizer bottles that can be clipped on a lanyard or put in your pocket?

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      I would suggest asking the company OP works for if they do their own stocking, or asking the cleaning/service company if they csn switch or add a soap that meets OPs needs.

      I don’t think it would be a big ask, and if they say no, not any worse off.

      Reply ↓
      1. NoSoap*

        My medically necessary non-soap cleanser doesn’t lather so most people don’t believe it actually works and it costs about $15/bottle.

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  4. FanciestCat*

    #3 Could you put the soap in a small container? I’m picturing something pocket hand sanitizer sized. You could keep it in your pocket and if it’s small it should be easy to quickly wash the outside with the soap if you’ve pulled it out with dirty hands. You can find small bottles at drugstore usually for travel purposes. I don’t think leaving it in the bathroom would work unless there’s somewhere you can hide it that no one, including janitorial staff, would bother it.

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  5. Miss Demeanor*

    LW 1, I used to work with a guy who yelled/raised his voice like your coworker and the way I dealt with it was to lower my voice when responding. I’d start with a regular pitched “Yes, and” or I would loop (to let him know I had heard what he was saying) and then lower my voice to complete my answer. My particular Fergus had to lower his voice to hear me. Worked like a charm every time.

    Why did my Fergus yell? Turns out he didn’t feel heard. Looping (repeating in a neutral way what he had said) went a long way for him to feel heard by me. And the yelling stopped.

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  6. FunkyMunky*

    #3 – soap sheets!
    https://www.amazon.ca/Portable-Travel-Disposable-Outdoor-Kitchen/dp/B099W1TLCY/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?crid=1JAG9S8A0O5H7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.I4YWNmTVRpt-8AjM59EIjxq6H3VAsJVa0_K91W1Qsz9me-X20OS5iD6oXwTaNQHnrvlqoRkZr6iyaBuYJEHCHNeAv0IWynQk82crUoWRriHzVvSEATtbbfTg5N1tWVUlZZnKTZnyu6p53H41rwoAWuILBUv4gmMRQKPG2qXI48803TffJDP5lWSf7fs7bXg2VfzNv716b_0GrExuvJKnvg.fNrmmIMHzld1HS0j76a89sXyuVwMY6253QEoCpGND2c&dib_tag=se&keywords=soap+sheets&qid=1739251410&sprefix=soap+shee%2Caps%2C101&sr=8-7

    Reply ↓
  7. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    #3: put your soap container in a major bag or smaller purse and carry it it and from the bathroom. Anyone looking at woman twice because of carrying a bag has their own issues. Anyone asking why you have your own soap: “oh, I prefer this to what the building provides.”
    I work with a couple women who do that and one woman who just carries her Bath and Bodyworks flavor of the week to and from the bathroom. You think it’s odd because you’ve never noticed anyone doing it. You’ve never noticed anyone doing it because it’s not noticeable. You’re good!

    Reply ↓
    1. Daria grace*

      Yup. I’d be very unlikely to notice someone doing this and if I did I’d just assume that they had very particular taste in soap scents or maybe sensitive skin. It wouldn’t occur to me there was some kind of secret medical explanation

      Reply ↓
    2. NoSoap*

      It’s not about being noticed, it’s about ensuring the cleanser you need is there when you need it. You may not be coming for your desk or you may have something on your hands that you have to wash off that would make the bottle sticky if you had to carry it, etc.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, it’s possible OP might have those sort of logistics where they need to come from a different space than where they keep their stuff. Or, if they’re like me, concerned about forgetting it. The idea to use a clip on sanitizer bottle upthread was a good one. If there’s coat hooks or a stand near the bathroom door, OP could hang up a noticeable grab bag or just put it in the vicinity of the toilets, rather than by their desk.

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        1. Ellis Bell*

          Oh and as someone who had to move around two buildings a lot, I realised I already have had to figure this out in the past. Back when my psoriasis was really bad, I had to use lotion after washing my hands. In that situation it lived in a particular big pocket of a cardigan, and I just made sure to put it on whenever I left my desk.

          Reply ↓
    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      There’s an excellent breathable case you can use to transport a soap bar that allows it to dry and not get goopy, created for travel. It works great for me. I’m including the link in a reply.

      Reply ↓
  8. BigLawEx*

    It’s no different than a feminine hygiene (menstruation) product I assume. You’d bring your own supply and bring it to the bathroom when you needed it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      I think part of it is the sanitary issue, of pulling the soap out with dirty hands (after using the bathroom) to wash them and then putting the soap back, with clean hands and getting them dirty again.

      Reply ↓
  9. Yvette*

    With regards to the soap, I am guessing it only comes in a bar or you would’ve already thought of putting some in a little TSA style shampoo bottle.
    But it is fairly easy to turn bar soap into liquid soap. Take a bar of soap and using the large hole side of the greater create a bunch of flakes. Put them in a clean jar and cover them with hot water and then add a little more. Give it a stir put the lid on and give it a couple of days you will have liquid soap. If it’s too thick, you can mix in a little more water.
    You can look on the Internet and see more elaborate ways to do this, but that way works just fine. I have been doing that for years with a little slivers of soap from the shower. I shove them into an empty liquid hand soap dispenser with hot tap water. It doesn’t get moldy. Besides you can just make a little at a time and use it up quickly.

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    1. Mockingbird*

      There are enough people use bar soap, shampoo, etc now to go plastic free that finding a travel soap box won’t be hard. Depending on the hardness of your bar soap, you could also cut off a small amount that would fit in a container you already own.

      Reply ↓
  10. Hiring manager*

    #4 I’ve had a lot of experience hiring for roles besides my own, and have generally been happy with my judgement on those hires. However, when I’ve hired to replace myself, I’ve found that I have a narrower idea of what makes a good hire (someone with skills and an approach very close to my own!) and have been surprised that people who seemed like questionable hires because they’re so different from my skill set have generally done great in replacing me. I think this is particularly true for more varied roles where you’re not looking for one specialization, but instead lots of different profiles might excel at the job even if they do it quite differently. I don’t know if this is what’s happening or not, but I’d suggest considering whether your judgement might be overly narrow because it’s yourself that you’re trying to replace.

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      Yes, I was thinking this. One thing you are going to need to internalise, LW, is that you are not responsible for what happens to your role and your responsibilities after April! The you-shaped hole may get filled in a totally different way, and it may well be the case that eg. you completed certain functions in a very holistic way which was mindful of all the nuances and aware of how the process could support real evaluative content, it’ll simply be done as a bare administrative function for the next few years until someone else grows into the role. That’s actually very normal, and it can be difficult to see, but it’s ok.

      Of course it makes sense to do what you can now and try and ensure the knowledge you have is passsed on. But things like “is Janet ready to be promoted after I’ve gone” are not really your responsibility. Your successor will not be leaning heavily on your recommendation: they will have their own vision for the role and make their own judgments.

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    2. Carbon copies*

      You said in a much nicer way what I was thinking. To some extent, every person has a somewhat unique skillset. A R&D engineer going into project management will fill a role differently than an office admin or somebody who worked in sales. OP shaped the role because of their skillset and the talks they were able to execute, not necessarily because the role required this skillset in the first place.

      OP, please let go of the idea that your successor should be a copy of you. It is OK to allow the role to change and develop.

      Reply ↓
  11. NoSoap*

    OP3, I have severe eczema on my hands and cannot use real soap except in emergency. I also use a walker and cannot walk my very expensive non-stop cleanser back and forth. I have infrequently worked in an office where the closest bathroom was solely for my company, but most of the time it was shared with 2-3 others.

    I tape a sticky note with my name and company and another one with Do Not Remove/DonNot Use to the bottle. I would estimate it got used twice as fast as if I was the only one using it on average, and I’ve still had about a bottle a month completely disappear (I do not know if they were grabbed or trashed). However, if I didn’t include both notes it was much, much worse. So if you’re willing to accept some group usage in order to have it available for yourself I strongly recommend taping both types of notes to the bottle.

    BTW, every so often I’d walk in on someone else using my cleanser and generally people were not just unapologetic but gleeful about it. One once called me a sucker. So be prepared for that too.

    Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  12. Arabesque*

    I had no idea you’re not supposed to use antibacterial products while pregnant. I’m 7 months pregnant with my second and I think my hand soap might be antibacterial. Should I be panicking?

    Reply ↓
    1. RT*

      The link Alison provided is an article that points out that most of the antibacterial products that are recommended to be avoided during pregnancy are no longer on the market.

      Reply ↓
    2. Airy*

      Panicking isn’t a good idea in any circumstances. If all your check-ups, scans for seven months etc have been okay, you’re probably fine! A variety of antibacterial ingredients have been pulled due to a lack of safety evidence, but have not been proven to cause harm either. It’s an abundance of caution approach and LW is being extra careful because they had a stillbirth before. You can always change your soap, but truly, if you’re having adequate antenatal care and your doctor thinks everything looks good, you’re probably good. Ask them. I wish you all the very best with your coming baby.

      Reply ↓
    3. LadyAmalthea*

      It looks like the main offending ingredient was banned.

      I didn’t pay particular attention to the soap I used while pregnant because I wasn’t aware I had to, but, while pregnant, I was VERY scent sensitive and while that was more around food than hygiene products, I can see, especially in the first trimester, that ant sort of scent on hand soap could set off severe nausea.

      Reply ↓
    4. Emmy Noether*

      Ok, so this is sort of a pet peeve of mine.

      Of course it’s good that we are now paying attention to what may hurt the fetus (see: fetal alcohol poisoning, thalidomide). I’m also not into survivorship bias based arguments. Things HAVE gotten safer. And if you or the LW feel best following all that stuff, that’s a valid choice.

      BUT, the sheer number of things one is supposed to avoid because “safety has not been proven” or “may increase risk by 0.00000001%” is now really stressful itself. And guess what? Stress is also not good for the baby! so now one is stressed about being stressed. And if, heaven forfend, something does go wrong, there’s the guilt. “Maybe I could have been more perfect?” Even though in all probability, it had absolutely nothing to do with what one ate or used, because those effects are so, so tiny.

      I’m not going to go into my own stories, because it may just add something else to stress about, but I will say that it made me realize that a lot of those things aren’t about what is objectively safe or not. It’s a type of security theater. It’s pushing pregnant women to conform to a certain way of life. Luxuries, taking care of herself (including any medication) are “bad”. Natural, organic, doing it for baby are “good”. Never mind that raw fish isn’t actually, objectively more likely to cause food poisoning than salad. She MUST forego sushi and “load up on fresh produce” (citation from the article on the soap). Oh, but do eat lots of fish for the brain development. Except not THAT fish you like, because of heavy metals. It’s genuinely crazy making.

      I ran into another pregnant woman at a seminar once who was nearly crying because there was nothing she felt safe to eat at lunch. That’s not helpful!
      That linked article recommends avoiding socks that may have traces of an antibacterial agent. Socks!! Come on! Am I now supposed to control what common substances my skin may touch? Can I even leave the house anymore?

      For my second pregnancy, I decided screw it. I was avoiding the big, proven, easy to avoid things, and otherwise ignoring that stuff. Personally, I felt much better that way.

      Again, I’m not saying everyone should handle it like me. If it gives you a sense of control to follow every one of those avoidance recommendations you come across, you do you. I’d also assist anyone who required my help doing so, no judgement. I just don’t think it’s the only valid option.

      Reply ↓
      2. Spooz*

        I 100% agree. Blanket statements are loaded onto pregnant women with no context. It makes the whole thing hugely stressful as everyone’s banging on about “risk” all the time without explaining HOW much risk OF WHAT.

        For instance, did you know that previously frozen raw fish is fine, which almost all chain restaurant sushi is? Tuck in, ladies!!!

        I did a lot of research into that in my first pregnancy and came to my own conclusions about what I thought was reasonable. I have had to take various medications in pregnancy and while breastfeeding and pushed back on the inconvenient ones (endless shots in the leg) to ask WHY they are unsafe. WHAT is the risk and HOW does it work? So sometimes I did take the doctors recommendations and sometimes I decided I’d take the miniscule risk of basically nothing happening.

        Pregnant women are infantilised and demonised. I would urge all pregnant women to ask questions of anyone who says something is “unsafe” during pregnancy. Often it means “untested” or “1 in a thousand billion risk that the baby might sneeze a few times”.

        Don’t be cavalier if you don’t want to be. Avoid ALL the things if you like! But it should be YOUR INFORMED choice and ime it usually isn’t.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jill Swinburne*

          The thing with sushi isn’t the fish so much as the rice when you don’t know how long it’s been sitting out. I solved this problem by making my own and now I’m really good at it, lol.

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        2. Emmy Noether*

          Speaking of infantilizing. During my first pregnancy, I developed a splitting headache for several days (in addition to the nausea and fatigue. I was not well.) I finally could not take it anymore and went to the pharmacy to ask what was safe to take and had to practically beg them to give me anything. The pharmacist wanted me to rub peppermint essential oil on my temples instead! I had to promise to try the oil and only take a pill if it didn’t work (it did not).

          Second pregnancy, I downloaded an app that referenced data on different medication and substances during pregnancy, and made my own decisions.

          Reply ↓
      3. Nebula*

        Only tangentially related to your comment here, but my gran took thalidomide to help with morning sickness for her first two pregnancies, then it was banned so she didn’t have it for the next two. My aunt and uncle who were the result of the thalidomide pregnancies were fine, no issues. So my gran was sort of wistful about thalidomide, which sounds bad, but I can totally understand why. Knowing that there’s something which can straight up cure your morning sickness (it worked very well for her) that you can absolutely under no circumstances take again – and which you were unknowingly putting your children at risk by taking before – must have sucked so badly.

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      4. Michigander*

        I remember I had an app for my first pregnancy (I forget which) and there was a section where you could check foods. Every food was either dangerous or the note said something along the lines of “this should be fine but check with your doctor in case you can’t eat it for some reason”, and all I could think of is how annoyed my midwife would probably be if I was calling every day to ask if I could eat a banana or toast.

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    5. WS*

      The reason in this case is that some common antibacterial ingredients fall into the category of endocrine disruptors, which is getting a lot of focus right now because of the accumulation of them in human bodies. In this case, they’re being declared not safe because you want to minimise the quantity of endocrine disruptors to which your fetus is exposed. But the exposure you get from sometimes using triclosan-containing soap is absolutely tiny compared to, say, people who live in agricultural areas and are frequently exposed to pesticides, or are breathing wildfire smoke for long periods of time. Definitely do not panic!

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  13. Julie*

    Years ago I started a new job in November as an entry-level employee. When I interviewed I told them I would need time off at Christmas to visit my family out of state. It was not a problem getting the time although it was without pay as I hadn’t accrued vacation time yet. I was fine with that and they were too.

    Reply ↓
  14. AndyKW*

    LW3: I need to use specific soap for my eczema. I definitely found that the best way to handle it is to put the soap in a container that’s small enough that I can carry it everywhere. For me, that’s attached to my keys, but maybe your clothes have more pockets (or belt loops) or you have an ID on a lanyard.

    If your soap of choice is liquid, then a travel hand sanitizer container with a loop is probably your best bet.

    My soap of choice is a bar, and I’ve made it work after some trial and error. Take bar soap and a micro-grater (like one advertised for chocolate, etc) and grate the soap it into a large container with a lid. I shake mine for a while at this point, because it makes the pieces even smaller, but that might depend on the particular soap. Decant some of it into a container, which might be a travel hand sanitizer container or an empty lip balm container.

    The key here is attaching the soap container to yourself so that you don’t have to go back to your desk for it.

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    1. AndyKW*

      Oh, hygiene: This is part of why I find the bar soap better; I usually put the liquid/dry soap in my non-dominant hand before I finish in the stall so that I don’t need to touch the container later. Doable with the liquid, but much less likely to make a mess with the dry/bar soap.

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  15. Ainvancouver*

    For OP #3 re hand soap. I am very sensitive to fragrances and prefer to use my own soap. I make a dilute mix if my usual hand soap and water. Then I soak strips of muslin – any cotton fabric will do – in the mix. I dry the strips on a non porous surface and cut them into about 3″ square. Hold one of the in your palm when you put your hand under the water. You can get a nice lather and wash your hands with something familiar.

    It is a bit of a fuss to do, but if you store the squares in a ziplock bag, they last a long time.

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  16. Soap*

    What type of work do you do, soap person? Can you mention to HR or facilities that the soap isn’t considered safe? My children and family focused office switched from antibacterial soap after realizing it wasn’t the best idea for pregnant people can you make a similar case?

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    1. OP*

      I work for a nonprofit that rents an office for me in a “shared working space” building. there is no room for pumping and my office has clear glass doors with no shade. we also don’t have ventilation/heat/ac in our offices so I have to use a space heater every day and can rarely warm up my office past 60°F. The company I work for and the owners of the building know and do not seem to care, so they’re definitely not going to help me with the soap

      Reply ↓
  17. Not That Jane*

    LW3, I’m sorry about your daughter. As a fellow loss mom (my daughter died at 3 days old), I can empathize with how hard and scary it is to be pregnant again after such a devastating and traumatic experience. I guess I just want to say I see you <3

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  18. Chocolate Teapot*

    2. In my experience of having more days of holiday in Europe than the US, there is usually a rule that you can only carry over a fixed number of days from one year to another so the remainder need to be used during the year.

    I once started a new job on a Monday and took the Friday off for a pre-arranged trip to see family for an anniversary party. Events of this kind, which can’t be rescheduled, are usually the reason for taking time off just after starting. That said my previous job employed a badly needed new person who had so many holidays booked that they didn’t work a full week for the 6 months they were there!

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    1. KateM*

      I have had the impression that something similar is true in USA, too. One, the unused vacation time that needs to be paid out is a liability; two, a good employer would want employees to be not overworked.

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    2. Emma (UK)*

      yeah the UK is more in line with the rest of Europe on this one. Annual leave days usually can’t be easily carried over (or you can only carry over a couple) and if they’re not used, you lose them.

      there’s no legal requirement for you to use them BUT a lot of companies have policies to make sure/strongly encourage their employees to use all their annual leave days, sometimes at least partly because they don’t like you to carry any over.

      And also, the law does say that the employer must have made it reasonably possible for an employee to take all their leave (or at least the legally required minimum), and if the employee doesn’t take it all, the employer needs to be able to show they made it reasonably possible for them to have taken it and encouraged them to do so.

      the legal requirement is 28 days which, for most “regular” office workers is usually given as 20 days plus the bank holidays (new year’s day, Christmas day, boxing day, Easter Fri and Mon, and the three other bank holidays in may and August).

      Employers *can* insist you take all your leave when they tell you to rather than when it’s convenient for you (most often the case for school teachers). Or they can say “everyone gets a week off at Christmas and that comes from your existing allocation” whether you would have wanted to use it then or not. Or “no one can take off time in June”. etc

      it’s also the norm to receive all of your leave at the start of the year rather than accrue it across the year. Most Brits don’t even realise they’re doing this. They just know “I can book 20 days off this year and I could take it all within the first couple months if I want”. If you start halfway through a year you’ll get a opro-rata’d amount until the next refresh date (which may or may not be the calendar year).

      the “don’t take too much leave too early in a new job” thing is a also thing here but nowhere close to the level of the friend in the above letter.

      it would be like “probably don’t take a week+ in one go within the first couple months” especially due to the break this may cause in training/onboarding/adjusting to the role etc.

      Still, it wouldn’t be ridiculous, especially in all cases or all jobs to take this amount of leave early but most people would probably not unless it felt a little unavoidable.

      Reply ↓
      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, we have a probation period where I work and the supposed rule is that you’re not meant to take holiday during that, but in reality if someone has a pre-booked holiday then the employer is going to honour that! And then as you say we have a legally required amount of annual leave and employers want people to use it – where I work you can carry over up to 5 days but they have to be used in the first three months of the next holiday year. It isn’t the same as in the US where people have one ‘bucket’ of leave and therefore want to keep saving it up in case they’re ill. Holiday is holiday here, sick leave is different, and although we do accrue leave in the same way as in the US in reality you’re given your 20 or 25 days at the start of the year (some companies do it by calendar year, others by financial year) and they’re yours to use as you see fit.

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      2. Lexi Vipond*

        New people here used to accrue days at the rate of whatever a month until they hit January 1st and got the full allocation for the new leave year, but I think they now just get a pro rata allocation when they join.

        But even in the old days if someone had joined in May and wanted to be away for two weeks in July they’d probably have been allowed to ‘borrow’ from their leave for later in the year – better that than having them away for two weeks in October while teaching is going on. So it just depends on how things work out, and if you encourage people to be away at certain times of the year.

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  19. Chelsea Bun*

    OP 4, yes you’re overreacting. You’re retiring, you don’t change your opinion of an employee and their career path based on a single recommendation, that would be very odd indeed. Especially if you haven’t even followed up and talked to her about it.

    Reply ↓

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