weekend open thread – February 1-2, 2025

by Alison Green on February 1, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Case Histories, by Kate Atkinson. After loving Liz Moore’s Long Bright River, I wanted more literary fiction mysteries where the character development gets as much attention as the plot. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

      6. Harlowe*

        I read too fast and got your name tangled into the answer. Was very confused by how anyone felt happy owning a honey badger.

    3. Valancy Stirling*

      I got the keys to my new apartment! I’m going from a studio to a three bedroom, and I’m so excited.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      1. Getting a haircut (left it about three weeks too long around the Christmas rush)
      2. Making a strawberry daiquiri at home – never had one before but it came together in all of a minute and tasted like a cold boozy glass of strawberry jam in the best way possible
      3. It’s set to be 36c/97f or higher over the next three days, but inside my house with the blinds and fans it’s a beautiful 17c/63f. I haven’t even turned on the aircon yet!

      1. Kardemumma*

        Aren’t you lucky! Here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada we are having a cold snap. Minus 27 C. “feels like” minus 40 (wind chill factor) – which is the same in Fahrenheit or centigrade. This is probably just adding fuel to the fire to the idea that the moment you step over the Canadian border you need parkas and snow shoes. Earlier this week it was positively balmy and by summer we’ll be in the 30s (C) 90s (F).

      1. Clisby*

        I remember one rare snowfall here in Charleston, SC where our maybe 2-year-old cats were *very* curious about all this soft cold white stuff. I wouldn’t say they were excited – they probably thought this was a new type of prey – sort of a cat manna from heaven – and kept batting at it and sniffing it.

        2. Dog momma*

          Didn’t it snow there almost 2 weeks ago? It snowed in Myrtle and Aiken….

          I was not happy, from WNY, had my fill of it. Moved south to get out of it. Oh well it hopefully won’t come back for 10 years, & I’ll be too old to care. lol

    7. GoryDetails*

      Discovered a new-to-me BBQ place *and* a new Little Free Library within a few blocks of each other, and managed to drop some books, buy some BBQ, and get home again before the rain-turned-to-snow started.

      1. allathian*

        That’s also my joy!

        I’m also no longer effectively housebound by our icy drive. It’s no longer icy, even if we should have snow this time of year.

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      After being sick last week I filled this week up with activities, both social and active! Highlight would probably be first cross country ski of the season last nice on some nice fresh snow :)

    10. Shakti*

      As I wait for the school bus with my daughter you can see the sun starting to rise and hear the birds chirping! It makes me (very much not a morning person) enjoy the morning

    12. BellStell*

      There are a lot of birds coming to eat the seed variety I have put out on my balcony. The ice has melted in the drive at my apartment. My indoor tomatoes are growing and now the size of marbles. I am re reading the Southern Vampire series of Charlaine Harris. I am not watching or reading any news instead based on a recommendation here I read ALDaily (arts and letters daily) and IFLscience and other science websites. I mailed a gift to a friend today. My word of the year is Emerge and I am beginning to feel excited for spring.

    13. WorkNowPaintLater*

      The sun finally peeked out so I got to walk to my favorite coffee establishment. Their current seasonal drink is a raspberry mocha latte. Which was amazing.

    14. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I was thinking of starting a Little Free Library but concerned my neighborhood already had too many. Then a neighbor suggested a Little Free Art Gallery instead and now I’m really excited about that idea!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Ohhh, there’s a local one of those here! Hang on, I’ll pull the article and link below:

          1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

            If I thought I could maintain that, it’s probably the kindest thing to do at this time!

            There was one in my old neighborhood and unfortunately it didn’t last long because it became a dumping ground — fruit rotted in the sun, people left items that were expired or needed a fridge, and mostly it ended up being pasta. My location is also really high-visibility which makes me wonder if it would be at risk for damage and such a high volume it couldn’t stay stocked. If I put it on wheels — so I could bring it in to my garage for night / rain / extreme heat it might work.

    15. IrishEm*

      I got my hair cut nd coloured (teal) today and I feel like myself after a rough couple of months

    16. The Dude Abides*

      Ran into someone from a prior “that place” that I hadn’t seen since I left, and we got to catch up and reconnect over a mutual loathing of “that place.”

      He was coaching his daughter’s intramural basketball team (2nd/3rd) and I was there to watch my daughter play (K/1st).

    17. chocolate muffins*

      A lovely birthday this past week including a card where my son traced his hand, a wonderful gift from my husband, and a dinner at a delicious restaurant. So much of the week – and the year – have been hard, and it was nice to have this glowing moment.

    18. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Walking in the same park where I watched a big pileated woodpecker hammer bark off a tree last week and discovering a stump absolutely smothered in hen of the woods mushrooms encircling it to make it look like a gigantic pine cone, topped with a bright green mossy toupee in the cup formed at the top. It was stunning. I went back for another walk in that park and made sure to go by and say hello to it.

      Spotted towhees with their bright red and their happy spots along with other birds mobbing the suet cage in the tree outside my window.

      Sun breaks between rain showers and downpours.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      Mouse update: I found one more hole in the baseboards, in the corner behind the bedroom door. I wondered if I had missed one, since I would occasionally see a poo, but not all the time, and one trap was tripped (I heard it) but didn’t catch anything.

      Stuffed that sucker full of steel wool and foam. I have not seen any more mouse poos since doing that. I left the traps out for a while and nothing touched them. I think I may finally be mouse-free. *fingers crossed*

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Huzzah! Keep up maintenance on the holes and keeping all food-like substances sealed into glass or similar.

    21. Ezra*

      I treated myself to a Wicked/Moana 2 double feature the other day. It was GREAT. Got even better when some friends (who’d had class during Wicked) joined me for Moana 2 and we got dinner after.

    22. Dontbeadork*

      The flamenco concert at the local university last night! The students did a marvelous job, so a nice send-off for one of the faculty, who is retiring. He choreographed three of the pieces, and all three were visually interesting.

    23. Bookworm in Stitches*

      Turned Medicare Old yesterday. Took myself for a ride through an area I think is beautiful – gorgeous sunny day. Treated myself to a wonderful lunch of tomato pie and bought an inexpensive sewing tool and some clearance fabric.

    24. Bibliovore*

      I completed service on a National Awards committee. I loved our winner and adored my fellow committee members. (not always a given)

    25. Slinky*

      My dad bought me an amazing new record player as a gift. My husband and I have been having a great time playing through our vinyl collection, and it sounds so good!

    26. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend offered to come stay with me to help with my recovery when I have shoulder surgery. I’m still tearing up with relief.

      1. allathian*

        I’m so happy for you. That’s a load off your mind, wishing you a speedy recovery from the surgery when you have it.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      That is Sophie, mother of Wallace! On a blanket I crocheted last month, threw my back out while making, and still have not recovered from. But at least the blanket is finished!

      1. Just a name*

        The blanket is beautiful! I was hoping it was something I could buy. :(
        Sophie is an excellent model.

      2. Honey Badger*

        I once crocheted a beautiful baby blanket for a baby shower and used such beautiful yarn and trim. I left it on my bed while I was getting ready, came in, and my cat had chewed it partially up :( It took me weeks to make lol.

      3. old curmudgeon*

        So sorry to hear about your back, Alison! If you’re still hurting a month later and haven’t yet seen a medical provider, I’d encourage you to make an appointment. They’ll probably send you for PT, which I fully agree is no fun, but it will more than likely resolve whatever is making your muscles are unhappy.

        And Sophie is magnificent as always, of course! Is it strange that I’ve gotten to the point where I can identify your cats by name without “cheating” (hovering the cursor over the photo to see whose name comes up)? I recognized Her Majesty the minute I saw the photo, though she looks like she’s a tiny bit more svelte than the last photo I saw. Give her a chin-scritch for me, please!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          It’s been over a month! I’ve been working with a fantastic physical therapist (who comes to my house, which makes her even more fantastic) and I am slowly getting better but I’m so over it and can’t believe it’s still going on. From making a blanket! Ridiculous. (I did buy a gaming pillow to use while crocheting in the future though, so hopefully this won’t happen again.)

          Sophie accepts your admiration as her due.

          1. old curmudgeon*

            Funny, my physical therapist recommended that I use a gaming pillow for reading and knitting because both were killing my shoulders and back! It does make a big difference, though I have to fight with my cats over whether I get to use it myself or if it’s just going to be a giant cat-bed wrapped around my middle. I’ll give you one guess who usually wins…

            1. LemonTaffy*

              speaking of giant cat beds, my cat currently has the biggest bed I’ve ever bought. I got a couch from Habitat for Humanity and had it cleaned to put in my spare room. Total cost: $320. He has claimed the back of it for his own, squishing the back support down on both sides to the point where I can’t sit comfortably on the couch.

      4. JF*

        gorgeous blanket (and stunning Sophie, of course! :-) )

        any chance you could share name of pattern? I’d like to try – blanket looks very warm and cozy)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          No pattern — the whole thing is just hdc blo (half double crochet, back loop only), which produces ribbing as you go. And I used Wool-Ease Thick & Quick yarn in Hudson Bay, which changes color as you go. It does make a very heavy blanket so I would stick with throw blanket size if I were doing it again; I went bigger and it is massive!

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I have done horrible back things while sleeping. There is NOTHING your back will not suddenly decide to take personally.

      6. Bossypants*

        Crochet Jinx! I am making the same blanket with the same yarn! I am also making it way too big because I didn’t realize how heavy it would be!

    4. Morning Reader*

      She is lovely. She looks so much like my most handsome senior boy, also a classic tabby with white paws and markings. Sympathies to Alison on the back problem. I’m thinking of learning crochet; didn’t realize there was a risk of injury. Is that something to be cautious about?

    2. Jill Swinburne*

      I’ve never really got on with her work – almost every one I’ve started has been a DNF – but I did quite like her Jackson Brody series, mostly because I know Leeds, where it’s set, well. She’s good at writing a strong sense of place (see also the one set in Dundee, which I also know well).

      1. Sarah*

        Same for me! There’s definitely something different about that particular series. (Though I have lived in Leeds so maybe it’s a bias we both have!)

    3. Isabel Archer*

      And I recommend Atkinson’s “Behind the Scenes at the Museum,” one of my very favorite novels. I’ve read most of her stuff, but the Jackson Brodie series left me cold and I never read another one.

      1. Snacattack*

        Fascinating—I’m the opposite. Love the Jackson Brodie books and can generally take or leave her other novels. Funny how tastes can be so different.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband started Atkinson with Life and just did not like it and now I can’t get him to read ANY of her other books!

    6. Anonymous Reader*

      I loved “Case Histories” and thought I’d found a new series to read. Nope. I couldn’t get into subsequent books.

      I’ve had that happen with other authors. For example, I think that “The Shell Seekers” by Rosamunde Pilcher is one of the most beautiful books. It’s about how WWII affected one Englishwoman and her family. I couldn’t read anything else by her.

      Regardless, I still highly recommend “Case Studies”.

  5. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs. My personal request is for cozy and/or escapist books. It’s been an awful couple of weeks and I’m looking for something to take my mind off of things.

    This week I read Killers of a Certain Age, which was surprisingly fun and playful. For those who don’t know the plot, there are 4 women who have been assassins for forty years. They have just retired, but when they go on their post-retirement cruise they discover that their (now former) employer has put a hit out on them. I would recommend.

    1. Jackalope*

      I forgot to mention that my preference for cozy/escapist reads is fantasy or romance. I’m the other hand, I’m guessing a lot of people are having similar needs, so prob any genre of recs is welcome.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I read Sunshine by Robin McKinley and Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett over winter when I need to remember light (literal or figurative) will eventually come back to the world…

        1. Dontbeadork*

          Have you tried Pratchett’s *The Wintersmith*? Also a reminder that cold and darkness are not everlasting, even when it feels like they might be.

          1. Six Feldspar*

            Yes, a long time ago but it was a good read. I have the opposite problem at the moment, dealing with fifteen hours of daylight and temperatures over 35c/97f. I need some cold and dark back!

        2. GoryDetails*

          I love Reaper Man! And Hogfather is also good for that return-of-the-sun feeling – indeed, it’s literally a part of the plot.

          1. Six Feldspar*

            I read Hogfather every Christmas (wrong season for me to truly appreciate the sun coming back, but a great read nonetheless).

            There’s also Carpe Jugulum for the return of figurative light at least…

            1. Dontbeadork*

              Yeah, I live in the southern part of North America, and we don’t get snow either, but at least our Christmas is in the cooler part of the year!

              I will admit to reading Hogfather as a Christmas in July kind of thing, because we haven’t quite hit peak temps, but we’re soaring into the triple digits (Farenheit, obviously, so upper-30s to 40-ish for the rest of the world).

          2. UKDancer*

            I love Reaper Man, it’s so well written. I don’t like all Pratchett’s books but I love the ones about Death.

            My other favourite is Maskerade because it makes me laugh so much due to all the operatic and theatre tropes.

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        Look for Julie Caplin/JulesWake (same author, just publishes under different names). I don’t normally do formulaic romances but those ones hit a certain spot for me because they double as armchair travel and they’re quite well-written.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Legends & Lattes by Travis Baltree. An orc fighter retires and starts a coffee shop in a place that has never had coffee before.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Just re-starting Ruth Ozeki’s The Book of Form and Emptiness (got sidetracked over the holidays) and loving it. Still working my way through the bedside stack and valiantly resisting any new purchases.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Wonderful! It’s a grittier book than A Tale for the Time Being, but truly rewarding. And if you find it, My Year of Meats is fabulous – it really stays with you afterwards.

        2. Lizard*

          Any advice on which of her novels to read first? I definitely want to read something by Ozeki in 2025, but I’m waffling. The Book of Form and Emptiness and A Tale for the Time Being have been on my to-read list for a couple of years now. But My Year of Meats sounds like it aligns well with my interests. I’m curious whether there’s a best place to start.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      My coziest favorites:

      I Capture the Castle – coming of age in the 1930s written as a girl’s journal. Super cute and funny.

      The Sun is Also a Star – YA romance between a boy who believes in fate and a girl who doesn’t.

      What If It’s Us – YA romance where two boys keep meeting, losing each other, and attempting to redo their failed first date.

      Nothing to See Here – found family about a nanny to spontaneously combusting children.

      Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches – romance about another nanny but this time with magic!

    4. Atheist Nun*

      Yes, I liked Killers of A Certain Age much more than I expected. The sequel, Kills Well with Others, will be published in March, I believe. I have the eARC on my Kindle somewhere…

    5. GoryDetails*

      On the escapist side, My Funny Demon Valentine by Aurora Ascher, which I admit I got largely because of the cute illustrations on the endpages (tiny demonic-cupid figures aiming arrows, musical notes, hearts…). Looks to be a mashup of “Scrubs” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” possibly with touches of “Bridget Jones’ Diary”.

      Then there’s Seanan McGuire’s Adrift in Currents Clean and Clear, the latest in her “Wayward Children” series. It’s more of a standalone book, dealing with the backstory of Nadya, a character from Beneath the Sugar Sky: she was in a Russian orphanage when an American couple adopted her and took her back to America. Nadya has an affinity for water – and for turtles – and has been coping very well with only one and a half arms (born that way), and isn’t comfortable with the new prosthetic her adoptive parents got for her. When she falls through one of the magical doors into an intricate and unusual water-world, she finds the perfect life, but it is in the nature of those pesky doors to sometimes send someone back even when they don’t want to go.

      On audiobook, a re-listen of Glitterland by Alexis Hall: protagonist Ash is a brooding author who suffers from panic attacks and bipolar disorder (and is also a bit of a snob). When he falls for flashy, and in his view trashy, glitter-pirate Darian, it’s clear that somebody’s going to get hurt – though Hall does usually manage to give his troubled characters a happy, or at least hopeful, ending, as long as they’re willing to do the work. It does get dark in places (Ash is the main viewpoint character) but is also sweet and often very funny.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oops, I mixed two books together! Should be:

        On the escapist side, My Funny Demon Valentine by Aurora Ascher, which I admit I got largely because of the cute illustrations on the endpages (tiny demonic-cupid figures aiming arrows, musical notes, hearts…). Four demons have apparently escaped from Hell and are masking as humans (devilishly attractive humans, of course), though one of them suffers a curse that makes him only able to see the world in black and white, and where he can’t enjoy food. Oh, and humans don’t notice him, which is a problem when trying to chat up women. But this one woman, a musician, does see him… For a demon-mythology-type story it’s rather light and amusing.

        The Devil Wears Scrubs by Freida McFadden, which I found in a Little Free Library. This one looks to be a mashup of “Scrubs” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” possibly with touches of “Bridget Jones’ Diary”.

    6. PollyQ*

      I recently finished 3 of Elly Griffiths’s Ruth Galloway mysteries: A Dying Fall, The Stone Circle, and The Lantern Men. I’d read most of the rest of the series in 2024 (thanks, I think, to a tip here), but these were only just added to my local Libby. They’re not the best mysteries from the standpoint of plot construction, but the writing and characters are so great that I don’t mind. A Room Full of Bones is still on my hold list, so once I get to that, I’ll have finished the series, and it’ll be time to start over from the beginning!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      By Alice Bell, Grave Expectations* and Displeasure Island. A collision of Midsomer Murders and Scooby Doo. Common to both books are the team of Claire (a medium, who really does see ghosts even if she’s not great at the theatrical parts of mediuming), Sophie (her best childhood friend, now a ghost), Basher (no longer a policeman), and Basher’s teenaged niebling Alex (extremely cool). The first is set at a family gathering in a decrepit manor house with an abandoned monastery on the grounds, and the second involves a gathering of friends on a small island with an abandoned fort, so you can just imagine the number of ghosts and surety of someone getting murdered before page 100.

      I quite like these, balancing breezy with a fun, fair play mystery and some deeper thoughts on how maybe being haunted by your best teenaged friend for the rest of your life would have some drawbacks.

      * My library has a bunch of different books by this title, so double check the author.

    8. Valancy Stirling*

      I love the Evenfall Witches series by Auralee Wallace. It’s about a young widow who can communicate with the dead, and in the two books so far, needs to help them solve their murders.

    9. allx*

      Continuing with Walker Percy’s The Moviegoer. As noted by someone last week, it is definitely dated in many respects, but also, weirdly, some of the language sort of skates on the edges of modern day new age mysticism. Certain phrases like “slipping out of space and time” and “teetering on the brink of eternity” and “the spirit-presence of a strange place” and “he is my triangulation point” have tinges of a recent podcast interview I heard by Nicholas Ashbaugh of Argentinian Matias de Stefano (the Rememberer), who apparently can remember past lives back to the beginning of civilizations that no longer exist.

      This is clearly more about what language is hitting me and not about the story at all. The story strikes me as more about despair and damaged souls and broken relationships. I’m finding it quite sad, and also simultaneously deep and shallow. Kind of like reading early Dave Eggers, who is either a genius I’m just not quite smart enough to get or completely vapid, haha.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Allx, you are totally getting it. Percy was showing the melancholy of New Orleans behind the noisy, lively veneer – that Las Vegas vibe of shallowness behind the dazzle. It is absolutely about despair, but it’s thoughtful and subtle. And yeah about the mysticism. New Orleans was (and still is) plugged into that. Where else can you buy a voodoo doll on main street? Awesome.

        1. allx*

          Ah, Nervous Nellie, your explanation–melancholy vs lively veneer–made this book click more for me. I have been enjoying the reading experience, but felt I was not quite getting it; that I was just outside the realm of understanding. Thanks for the insight. Used to go to NOLA regularly mostly for fun but also for business reasons for about five years running. I haven’t been in some years, but the mysticism vibe of old New Orleans was definitely a thing. I visited that voodoo shop in the quarter years ago to obtain a deck of tarot cards. Fascinating shop.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Ah, me too! Marie Laveaux’s! I have a wonderful carved voodoo doll I bought there, and am still saving for a special occasion….and yeah, great book. Glad you are enjoying it.

    10. Evvy*

      Rereading The Farthest Shore (Ursula LeGuin) chapter by chapter before bed at night! I’m also slowly making my way through Entangled Life (Merlin Sheldrake) — what feels about three years after everybody else already read it (I’m in a very environmentally-focused graduate program, everyone loves mushrooms)! Also picked back up a couple chapters of Le Morte d’Arthur (Keith Baines edition).

      Cozy/escapist recs: I love Noel Streatfeild’s “Shoes Books” for this (shout out to that one scene in You’ve Got Mail…) They feel so much from a different time period and also just from a completely alternate reality somehow, even though the situations depicted in them aren’t necessarily unrealistic (?) For me it’s just something about the way she writes them haha. There is some dated stuff in them. Super cozy, I just read a few of them last year and enjoyed them just as much as I did as a kid/teen!

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, Ballet Shoes! After you read it you might enjoy tracking down the BBC miniseries made of it in the mid-70s. It’s a marvelously faithful reproduction of the book. I can still remember the soaring music in the opening and closing credits. Lovely.

    12. Six Feldspar*

      Finished Fugitive Telemetry by Martha Wells and yesterday I found a couple of the Miles Vorkosigan series, but mostly before bed I’ve been reading The Man Who Ate Everything by Jeffrey Steingarten, a collection of his essays as a food critic.

    14. Second Breakfast*

      Since the election, I have listened to the Goblin Emperor and its sequels at least four times each. The Goblin Emperor hits the sweet spot for cozy, hopeful fantasy for me, and I love the world building. Though the sequels are often dark (the protagonist is a minor character from the first book, a tragic gay elf priest who talks to the dead), they share the overall hope of The Goblin Emperor.

        1. Magdalena*

          I also can’t wait for The Tomb of Dragons!

          Had to put off getting The Orb of Cairado since I’m avoiding Amazon and neither Barnes&Noble nor Kobo can sell it to me as a non-US customer.
          Hopefully it’ll come out in print as well!

    15. Blooper*

      For a cozy read, I quite enjoyed The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. The book’s cover art matches the mood well :)

      I second Dark Macademia’s Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches rec!

      1. bright as yellow*

        Third ing the Very secret society of irregular witches. I heard the audiobook and the narration was Very good.

        My cosiest fantasy read this year was the Spell shop, by Sarah Beth Durst. Very introverted woman with a magic plant finds her community.

    16. Meh*

      Onxy Storm -Book 3 in the Empyrean Series by Rebecca Yarros. Dragons, magic, evil. about 1/4 the way in. I’m reading with a friend so I have to stop for her to catch up.

      Queen of Shadows – Book 4(?) in the Throne of Glass Series by SJ Maas. I didn’t care for the first few books- the main character is arrogant and immature and the love interests are meh. But everyone else seems to love them so I’m pushing through. Heir of Fire (3?) was better and this one also sees character growth. So, onward!

    17. Nervous Nellie*

      My Penguins this week: inspired by allx, I picked up a Penguin Mini for my handbag book this week (small and light)- Flaubert’s A Simple Heart, a melancholy little tale of a servant and her relationship with her parrot. It’s actual ugly cry stuff at the end – why is there no movie of this story? Goodness. It would be great!

      For my ongoing Penguin, I am savoring the Pevear & Volokhonsky translation of Anna Karenina. I don’t want it to end! I am saving the film (Sean Connery & Claire Bloom!) to watch when I finish it. An aside – what a giggle it is that Scot Connery played a lot of Russians in his career. If he sounds like he did in Hunt for Red October, I will be giggling too hard to follow the story. His Scottish Spaniard in Highlander sealed the deal for me – he is James Bond, and only James Bond.

      1. allx*

        I have stalled a bit on my Penguin minis–went back to MLK Letter from Birmingham Jail again. I love MLK’s wisdom and humanity and strength and hope. His writing hits just the right note with me. Started the volume of Patrick Kavanaugh poems titled The Great Hunger, which is a long poem, but there are some beautiful shorter ones with it. Also still indulging in the Pessao poetry volume, which I finished but don’t want to put back yet.

        This week I have selected Gertrude Stein Food, George Orwell Notes on Nationalism, and Francoise Sagan The Gigolo for carry around/nighttime reading.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Oooh, yes! Pessoa poetry. And MLK writings – goodness, if only everyone in government was reading those today.

          Brace yourself for Gertrude Stein – she’s angular, challenging and often perplexing. An appropriate double bill with mysterious Pessoa. Put on some Thelonious Monk and you will have the perfect abstract counterpoint!

    18. epicdemiologist*

      John Scalzi’s Collapsing Empire series–timely, fast paced, and has a character who swears even more than I do these days.

      1. Anonymous Reader*

        I’d never heard of him before I somehow came upon “Starter Villain”. He had me at the cover with the well-dressed cat!

        What a delightful romp.

        If Alison hasn’t read this one, she really should.

        1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

          If you haven’t read his “Redshirts”, you need to do so. A wonderful poke at the trope.

          1. GoryDetails*

            Redshirts is great fun, with something of a “Galaxyquest” vibe.

            I also love Scalzi’s “Lock In” books – people with a disease that locks them inside their own brains can navigate the world via android bodies, and one such person is a police detective. Fun world-building here.

            1. RC*

              Lock In (I maybe liked Head On a bit more) is great, except also a bit frustrating in that it posits “what if there was a catastrophic pandemic, that affected only a very small percentage of people VERY badly, how would we respond, maybe it would be with support and cool new tech?” Which we all learned isn’t the world we live in, sigh. But, robot bodies.

        2. Alyn*

          If you liked Started Villain, you should try his Kaiju Preservation Society – very similar in terms of tone and pacing. I love both books.

      2. RC*

        That one’s in my list of his that I’ve checked out, haven’t read yet! Hoping I like it better than Old Man’s War (it was fine. I liked it well enough, but Lock In or Kaiju it was not. I think I’m biased towards his later stuff, although I will always be partial to his “straight white man: the easiest difficulty setting on which to play the game of life” blog post from maybe before any of those books).

    19. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      For cozy escapist comedy romance, I like some of P.G. Wodehouse’s lesser-read books, like *The Luck of the Bodkins* and *Leave It to Smith*.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Just finished *Lolita*. It is not cozy. Nabokov is a very skilled writer, but the whole thing made me feel icky.

    20. PhyllisB*

      I started Before the Coffee Gets Cold…and I’m not feeling it.I was so looking forward to this because I like books with a what would you do differently theme but this one is not engaging me. I got to page 59 and put it aside. I usually give a book 100 pages before. making up my mind so I may try again in a day or two.

    21. PhyllisB*

      I read The Twelve Dogs of Christmas by Susan Wiggs this week. (Dogs!! Christmas!!) Just a side note, right now there are four current books with the title Twelve Dogs of Christmas. I’ve read two of them and they both were romances with rescue dogs. I don’t know about the other two. Anyway, that’s why it’s good to keep a list of what you’ve read ( thank you Goodreads) because with so many books having the same title it can get confusing. Right now I’m reading Murder on the Dancefloor by Katie Marsh. This is book two of her Bad Girls Detective Agency series. Cute. I like her turn of phrase: “She looked as joyful as a nurse giving a Methadone shot.” And “She put her arm around her and it had all the comfort of a barbed wire fence.”

    22. Zephy*

      Prompt #8 of the PopSugar reading challenge was “a book with less than 250 pages,” so I picked up a collection of short stories by Robert Louis Stevenson. The 1870s of it all started to grate after a while, though I am pretty proud of myself for being able to mostly follow a story written about 2/3rds in Scots (Thrawn Janet, for the curious). Overall impression: boy, people* really could Just Do Shit in the past, huh?

      (*”people” meaning white, literate men of means, of course; all the women seem to do in these stories is suffer indignities and die horribly)

      On deck I’ve got Packing for Mars by Mary Roach, one because I love Mary Roach and have been wanting to read this, and two because I decided that reading a fictional book that happens to have been set largely in a hotel in space doesn’t really count for prompt #3, “a book about space tourism.” For prompt #5, “a book with a snake on the cover or ‘snake’ in the title,” I have Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead waiting for me to pick up at my local library, planning to swing by there later today. I am aware it’s an adaptation of David Copperfield, but I’ve never read that and I don’t really want to read anymore Dickens unless I have to, so I guess I’ll check out the Wikipedia summary or something.

      1. Snacattack*

        You don’t need to have read Copperfield to appreciate Copperhead. Not in my humble opinion anyway. A depressing novel in so many ways but a good one.

    23. IrishEm*

      I finished reading Phillipa Ryder’s My Name is Philippa, it’s her memoir about her journey to transition in Ireland and how she grew up in an Ireland when homosexuality was illegal. Absolutely amazing read and overall positive message. If you can, ;isten to the audiobook, she doesn’t read it herself but it is a trans reader who work very hard to get Irish place names right :)

    24. Lizard*

      Currently reading Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray (which is much funnier than I expected) and The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith (originally published under Claire Morgan).

      For escapist reads: A couple of years ago a friend recommended The Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs for an escapist read, and she was absolutely right. It’s urban fantasy with a romance sub-plot. I also really enjoy The Rook by Daniel O’Malley – fantasy without romance.

    26. carcinization*

      I read Munda’s Firebourne for book club. Usually the book club I’m in doesn’t want to choose books that are over 300 pages, so I was perplexed when I heard that this book had over 100 more pages than that. When I asked the organizer about it she said, “Well, it’s YA,” which was a bit weird to me because I don’t necessarily read YA books faster than other types of books… but I read fast in general so over 400 pages in a month is not unreasonable for me.

      Anyway, I found all of the weird Harry Potter parallels really distracting to begin with, and kind of knew what some of the next story beats would be and was a bit distracted by that. Then the author said she came up on Harry Potter fanfic when she was younger so I was like, “well, that tracks!” I also found the fact that some of the stuff going on with dragons later on in the book was obviously a metaphor for sexual debut in youngsters to be kind of icky. But maybe I’m just too “old” to read something like this, at least with the perspective of talking about it at a book club meeting, haha!

    27. RedinSC*

      I’m about half way through The God of the Woods. by Liz Moore, last week’s recommendation. my book club chose it.

      I also finished A Peace to End All Peace by David Fromkin. it’s a fascinating, and it would be great to have an update because so much has been happening in the area.

      I’ll mention again, for a fun read in the paranormal realm, Molly Harper is my go to. I love the Half Moon Hollow Series as well as the Mystic Beyou series.

    28. Wilbur*

      Recently started “The Golem and the Jinni” by Helene Wecker. Still pretty early in it, but it’s been an interesting read so far.

  6. anon today*

    Any ideas here to support our valued federal workers in the US? I’m not a fed, so it’s not work-related for me. I’d like this to be a positive thread of cool ideas. Clearly we can start with contacting our government representatives, but I’d also like fun, loving, happy ideas that make clear how much we value a strong and competent civil service!

    Baking brownies sounds good with the caveat that I only have so much oven space, hahah. If you’re a Fed, what’s making you feel better in terms of community support right now?

    I’m thinking of trying to find a nice printed version of the oath for my fav federal employee.

    1. Inside the Beltway*

      Actual support. Calling your member of Congress is probably the only thing that will actually help. Tell them to support the civil service and not permit government by executive order. Talk about government programs that are beneficial to you – highways? Air traffic control? Food inspection? Complain about the amount of power Musk, who was neither elected nor confirmed by the Senate, has seized.

      I mean, if you’re local to DC, buy one of your friends in the trenches a drink. But otherwise we need support.

      1. Goody One Shoe*

        Your elected representatives (senators and congresspeople, and to a lesser extent state governors) DO pay some attention to phone calls and letters from their constituents. I don’t think emails get as much attention, they don’t hurt. Reach out to them!

        Certainly tell your representatives about government programs that contribute to your well-being and to that of your community. Depending on where you live, you might consider mentioning how having federal employees in your community supports your local economy.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember calling my rep when a transparency law was up to be repealed; the person who answered asked “calling about that law?” and I said “I certainly am!” Clearly I was far from the only one on the phone.

          Law was NOT repealed.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Have you encountered any lookalikes of famous people? And how did you react? This week, I encountered someone who was a dead ringer (including height and accent) for a recent UK prime minister of whom I’m not a fan. This was a touch disconcerting until it became obvious that (fortunately) they didn’t have similar personalities.
        Tell me about your lookalike encounters!

        2. PhyllisB*

          Not me but one of my co-workers. Her husband was a dead ringer for Burt Reynolds. She said they couldn’t go anywhere without people gaping. Even had someone ask for an autograph once.

    2. Anonyfed*

      Two thoughts: one is that I’ve found it so helpful over the last two weeks to hear from people who are supportive and who appreciate what we do. The second is that everyone is thinking about us right now, but in a couple of weeks that will have faded, but we’ll still be at it. If you have anyone you know who’s in this boat then keep checking in with them and following up to see how they’re doing. Maybe once a week or every other week or something like that, for awhile. (Even if it’s just a quick text or something like that.)

    3. Your Friendly Neighborhood Nerd*

      Honestly? Action. I love appreciation, but it means more if it is backed up by calling your state reps and Senators.

    4. Anonymous Fed*

      What we’re looking for at this time is vocal support paired with calls to action, otherwise this will become another trend like the “Met Gala boycott” on TikTok that died out in about a week. An explanation of what you’ve done (contacting your reps, fed/state/local) and asking other people to do the same is the most helpful and encouraging.

      1. SSC*

        Doing that. I live in a state where my senators are not likely to push back on these attacks, but I reached out to both of them today. One’s vm was full (good sign?), so I emailed. I’ve also created my personal email distribution list of like-minded folks in my town/state, so when I take the time to draft a letter or outline a phone call to an elected rep, I share it and the persons’s contact info with my friends in one bcc email. Hopefully prompts a few of them and makes it quicker.

    5. Anonfed*

      Also push back when people call us lazy and incompetent.

      The vitriol being turned on us is just exhausting. My spouse and I are both feds. All the late nights, the travel, continuing to work through shutdowns. We both have worked very very hard.

      Please, call your representatives. Also, speak up. When people call us lazy, push back.

    6. epicdemiologist*

      Every time you need something provided by the federal government and don’t get it–whether that’s assistance payments, consumer advice, flu trends, vaccine recommendations, infrastructure repairs, whatever–be VERY LOUD AND EXPLICIT in your complaints about not getting the work/information PAID FOR BY YOUR TAXES and exactly WHY you’re not getting it. Talk to local media. Talk to your friends and family and coworkers. If your job uses federal resources you can’t get, tell your clients that and tell them why. (Example: My husband works at a hospital and is in charge of updating slides on the info screens that show current flu levels. The next update will say NO INFORMATION AVAILABLE.)

      1. Armchair analyst*

        Ah I see. At first I thought you meant “complain about failures of the employee”. But I see you are saying “complain about the new policy enacted by the chief executive”

        1. RC*

          Yes, I’d be careful to be explicit about the problem so that it couldn’t be construed as “those lazy civil servants never do any work for us.”

        2. epicdemiologist*

          Exactly. “I can’t get the help my tax dollars have paid for, because the chief executive has ordered my civil servants not to do their jobs.”

    7. Just Here For The Llama Grooming*

      Another aspect of contacting your Senators/MOC: When they hold listening sessions or town halls in the district, show up and comment. Packed listening sessions generate TV coverage even for Sinclair-owned stations. Our MOC held one this past week, and he says it was as packed as any he’s ever held in more than a decade in office.

  7. Exercise?*

    I don’t like exercising but it looks like I’m going finally have time to do so and I need to lose some weight. What types of exercise do you enjoy? Especially looking for things I also can occupy my mind while doing…like reading or listening to podcasts.

    1. theinone*

      In no particular order, here’s what I like:

      Walking
      Pros: very easy, very cheap…just go outside and pick a direction, great for audiobooks/podcasts
      Cons: can get monotonous if you’re on a treadmill/weather issues if you go outside, not everywhere is safe to walk outside

      Swimming
      Pros: great for fitness in general, easier on joints than walking/running, you don’t feel yourself sweating
      Cons: unless you get special earbuds for music/podcasts it’s hard to occupy your mind, requires access to a pool, chlorine, requires knowing how to swim

      Dance
      Pros: good for fitness, a huge variety of styles/types, focusing on technique/choreo occupies your mind, adult beginner classes are a lot more common now
      Cons: studios/teachers vary A Lot, requires some prior knowledge and training to just do independent practice

      (I do colorguard, which is like a subset of both dance and marching band that involves throwing flags and mock rifles/sabres in the air- unfortunately that’s not easy/is kinda dangerous to pick up without instruction)

      1. Retired-ish*

        For dance, there is something called “Body Groove,” a fairly inexpensive program readily found on line. Misty Tripoli is its creator. It’s all about body acceptance and dancing your own way. The music is original and enjoyable.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        On occupying your mind, I find that doing laps is much more zen for me than anything where I hold still. Even if I’m going back and forth in the short well at the end of the pool, I can do that for much longer than anything where I just hold still, e.g. jumping jacks in a flotation belt–it seems to convince my brain that something is happening.

    2. H.Regalis*

      Hula hooping.

      Pros: it doesn’t require a lot of equipment. You can get a weighted hoop for cheap, and most of them come apart so you can pack them in a suitcase if you wanted to for traveling. If you don’t remember how to hoop, it’s surprisingly easy to learn again. You can do it at home or outside. You can do it while watching tv or listening to books or podcasts. It’s one of the few cardio workouts I’ve found that primarily works your core.

      Cons: You do need a bit of space around you to hoop. If you try to teach yourself hooping tricks, do it outside or else you’ll break a bunch of stuff.

        1. H.Regalis*

          That is interesting! It never occurred to me that we didn’t already know the physics of hooping. I will say that I do not have an hourglass figure and I can hoop just fine, so I hope that doesn’t stop anyone from trying it.

    3. Rara Avis*

      Strangely enough for someone who had a hate/hate relationship with dance when I was younger, Zumba (at my local YMCA). The teachers I’ve had are so peppy and encouraging; bodies of all shapes and sizes; a sense of community that encourages me to show up every week; easy to modify when the knees just won’t.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I’ve thought about doing Zumba (it looks so fun!!) but having a tricky knee on one side and having had a hip replacement on the other I’m worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep my balance. Is it doable for elderly out of shape women?

          1. RagingADHD*

            Yes, I think so. They show moves for all different levels. Even if you wind up just marching in place and doing the arms, you’ll have fun.

            1. UKDancer*

              I think they have a particular version called something like Zumba Gold which is aimed at an older audience and lower impact (although I may be misremembering the name).

              Zumba is generally fun and inclusive and if you can’t manage all the steps nobody minds. I do it sometimes and quite enjoy it.

          2. Roland*

            I’ve done similar classes (not Zumba branded) and it’s a definite maybe. Can you look up a video on youtube and see if you feel like you could follow along? No need to aim for perfection, just broad strokes. As long as you can generally keep up with the movements I’d say go for it! Like if the move is “4 steps back while twirling” or “5 hops to the right”, it’s ok to just walk as long as you get where you need to so you’re not running into people too much.

    7. ronda*

      yoga and water aerobics

      water works cause I hate being hot and it is good for that. I also am not self motivated, so need a leader, so a class works best for me.

      yoga- I like how the stretching feels. I dont really do the energetic ones, but those kind are available too.

      picked a 3rd floor apartment so I do more stairs. — not that I enjoy it, but it is built in the I need to do it.

    8. allx*

      I like rebounding (mini-trampoline). I have a Bellicon rebounder which I love because it is quiet. It has shock cord type springs rather than metal coils so no annoyoing squeaking. It is easy on the joints and actually fun. How hard or easy it is depends on you, and there are lots of videos for different kinds of workouts. I also second the hula-hoop recommendation. I have a knobby weighted hoop which kind of hurts to use at first but is a great mid-section workout. I can do about 20 minutes with it. There are some fascinating videos of very talented hoopers.

    9. Not your typical admin*

      My husband and I have been trying to increase our steps. My goal is 10,000 a day, his is 20,000. For him especially, the key has been to keep moving during normal activities. If he has a phone call to make, he’ll walk on a walking pad or in our neighborhood, park at the end of a parking lot, even walking around the house during a commercial if he’s watching tv. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it adds up.

    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’ve focused on doing stuff I enjoy with a manageable commitment. For me that means one 1-hour yoga class and 30 minutes in the pool most weeks, plus my usual walking to work + activities and errands. I’m not necessarily trying to increase the frequency or intensity, I’m just sticking with moving my body in ways I enjoy. Neither of those are too podcast-friendly but I find a good yoga class does keep my mind occupied with the movements, so that takes me out of my head, and with swimming I often get into a meditative state of counting my strokes, plus some subtle people watching of the other swimmers!

      In the winter I add cross country skiing and skating, and in the summer biking when it’s not too hot.

    11. Crashing into middle age*

      “Enjoy” may be overstating it, but I like the free workouts on the Nike Training App. It can be an easy, low barrier way into exercise because you don’t have to plan anything. There are quite a few that don’t require any weights/ equipment.

    12. But what to call me?*

      Rollerblading, if you have a smooth, wide path nearby. It’s not much fun on a narrow and/or bumpy sidewalk or one with too many streets in the way, but if you can find a place with room to spread your legs it’s lots of fun to glide along with music or a podcast. It works a *lot* of the muscles in your legs without really trying to, and it’s fun to go faster than running while being gentler than running (no high-impact unless you trip and impact the ground). I keep my rollerblades in my car trunk (except during hot, smelly summer) along with a helmet and long socks to make it easy to stop in at a nearby bike path whenever I have time. I have to make it very easy to start exercising or I’ll use the effort of collecting my equipment as an excuse to never get around to doing it.

    13. Anima*

      I actually like weight lifting. My husband got himself a small set of dumbbells that he doesn’t use, but I do. YouTube has great instructions so you don’t hurt yourself by doing it totally wrong.
      I also do yoga, like others said. 75 min a week (it’s a course for elderly people, I am 37, whoops) and I would like to up that amount when I’m done with uni.

      1. Girasol*

        Me too on the weight lifting. It’s more fun than it sounds like, and it makes me feel so great.

    14. TechWorker*

      Running or let’s be honest, run-walking. I’m never going to be fast and I basically always take walk breaks, but that’s not a failure! If you like structure Google ‘Jeff Galloway’ method, obviously the ‘couch to 5k’ program is a classic for complete beginners but I generally just run & then stop for a walk a bit before I think I need it (this is critical, if you just run until you’re absolutely dead you won’t walk to start again), then start up again once heart rate has dropped a bit.
      I always listen to podcasts & whilst not everyone has good outdoor options depending on climate/where they are, being outside is definitely harder to get bored!

      1. RagingADHD*

        The classic Couch 2 5K actually presumes a certain base fitness level (or relative youth) and can be too aggressive of a ramp-up for folks who may be more prone to injury.

        I found an even more gradual program called None 2 Run, which has a pre-prep program “Run Ready” that includes some strength training to protect your joints. I started it recently and highly recommend it for old, fat, and/or quite sedentary folks (like me).

    15. Slinky*

      Like others have said, walking. For me, this is best in a beautiful natural setting. I live in a suburban town, so I have to seek out green spaces, but there are plenty of rec paths, parks, etc. that scratch that itch. For me, I crave time in nature more than I crave time in motion, so this is a good carrot to get me to exercise.

      I also enjoy strength training. It appeals to my logical brain. You plan your workout, you track you progress, you can see improvements being made over time. I’ve used New Rules of Lifting for years to help learn the motions and plan my workout.

    16. ICodeForFood*

      If the weather outside is too cold or hot or wet for outdoor walking, I go to my local indoor shopping mall to walk. There are a bunch of “regulars” who walk there almost every day. It’s open for walking before the stores open, but I sometimes go after the stores open, and at this point there are folks who I smile and wave to regularly .

    17. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Cycling.
      (if it is safely possible to do in your area)
      I’ve always liked doing it and started it as my main exercise last year. (After years of almost no exercise at all, and whilst loosing weight in general)
      I love that I can get places that I wouldn’t reach by car (because they are inaccessible) or on foot (because of distance) and I almost always listen to podcasts or audio books. It gives me a feeling of freedom and independence that I assume is what other people sometimes feel on road trips by car.
      In the beginning, you might not get very far per exercise but for me that changed within a month of 2 trips per week. Try more of a round trip than a there-and-back trip and plan for a small snack break in the middle – you will need the energy boost. Also, make sure you drink enough water.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m not a gym goer, but I find that I feel better when I am doing a little pleasant mild exercise. I haven’t been good about doing these consistently in quite a while, but here’s what I have enjoyed in the past:

      Walking someplace interesting, playing mini-golf, bowling, archery, dance classes (salsa and country-western), playing in a marching band, taking karate classes . . . . For me, exercise that itself exercises my mind keeps me going. Like, I’m not bored if I’m trying to remember the next dance step or the next note or trying to aim at a target. Maybe it’s the ADHD, but I find repetitive gym exercise stultifyingly boring and won’t wind up doing it.

      This wasn’t really what you asked, but in my experience, eating better has had a much greater effect on my weight than exercise. I was fat when I was taking karate 6 times a week. I lost weight when I was just living my life but eating better. That doesn’t mean that exercise isn’t important–it’s great for you in a lot of other ways–but it may not prove to be the dispositive factor in your losing weight.

    19. AnonymousOctopus*

      I want to add another tally for walking pad! I dislike exercise and *have to* keep my mind occupied but I’ve been able to be consistent with my walking pad. When I was trying to take walks outside it was too easy to find a reason to not go, such as bad weather, having a low-energy day so wasn’t sure how far I could go without wiping myself out and hating everything on my walk back, etc. Now I do it first thing in the morning with an engaging podcast on while playing my favorite video game on my Nintendo Switch (detachable controllers so I’m not hooked to the console).

      I started really slow with a goal to just do 30 mins of activity, but as I got into a routine I switched to distance goals and found that to be much more rewarding. It pushed me to walk faster and break a sweat, and now I’m doing at least 1.3 miles a day instead of the 0.4 I started at. I’ve also noticed that once I’ve gotten started with 40 mins of walking, I’m more motivated to pick up my kettlebell and do a set or two of something else.

      I hope you find something that works for you!

    20. skadhu*

      Line dancing, if there’s a class/group in your area to join. I turned up my nose at it for years, but now dance twice a week. Good exercise for both body and brain and a wonderful community of friends doing it.

    21. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      An exercise bike, because you can sit down, start pedaling, and then pick up a paper book or press “play” on an audiobook or podcast.

      I also like weight lifting and resistance training, but a lot of people find those boring, and they require enough more attention that I can’t read at the same time, only listen to music, and even familiar lyrics can distract me from counting reps.

    22. ReallyBadPerson*

      I was a competitive swimmer for years, so I love swimming laps. It’s a very zen experience, and since I’m not training for meets anymore, there is no stress.

      On days I don’t swim, I prop a book on my treadmill and just walk at a 15 min/mile pace. The reading prevents monotony.

    23. goddessoftransitory*

      I watch MST or Rifftrax while riding my exercise bike. Perfect way to pass the time.

    24. Zephy*

      First: weight loss happens in the kitchen, you cannot outrun your fork. If weight loss is your primary goal, focusing on your intake will reap greater rewards than any workout regimen I could recommend.

      That being said! The best workout is the one you’ll do consistently, so finding a way to move your body that you enjoy is the key. If you have other, fitness-related goals, you can find plans to train toward achieving them (e.g., do you want to be able to run a 5k? do a pull-up? lift your bodyweight?).

      I listen to music or podcasts while I do most of my physical activity, which primarily consists of walking outside (when weather permits) and lifting weights. When the weather is less amenable to human existence, I have a walking pad that I can set up in front of the TV and get my steps in while watching a movie.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Absolutely, moving more – like walking – is good for you, but it actually burns few calories. The best way to lose weight is cut calories intake. Combine it with exercise, all the better.

    25. chocolate muffins*

      I love swimming but don’t usually have access to a pool anymore so I started using an elliptical. You can do lots of things while using it – I read or watch TV, or sometimes talk on the phone, but you could absolutely listen to podcasts also. I also enjoy hiking though I do it so lackadaisically I’m not sure it really counts as exercise :)

    26. allathian*

      I love tai chi, but I haven’t been able to find a class after my old instructor quit in the first lockdown. I don’t change or shower in public anymore, so being able to go home sweaty to shower there is an absolute must for me.

      I go for walks unless the weather’s truly terrible, and I ride a bike in the summer. My sinuses are very sensitive to cold, so I don’t ride when it’s colder than about 15 c/70 f.

      There’s a stationary bike in our living room, and I ride that if I don’t want to go outside. It’s boring, but I can do it if I watch TV. I should get back to lifting weights, we have the equipment at home because my husband does weight training.

    27. Ms Bones*

      I was stuck in the whole I should exercise more, but didn’t get around to it. My current routine includes twice a week yoga classes, 5 min dance each day, exercise snacks throughout.

      Things that help:
      – a positive reason why I want to exercise. When I exercise, I tell myself it’s for my bones, and that brings a sense of purpose and also a bit of whimsy. Because bones. I love my bones and I want them to stay strong and healthy.
      – start small. Small and consistent is better than grand plans that you can’t stick to.
      – join a class, if you can. That gives me confidence that I am doing it right, and accountability, and if you’re lucky, community
      – exercise snacks. It’s easier to carve out minutes of push-ups on the kitchen counter + calf raises + balancing on one leg, than committed to one hours of exercise in the gym.
      – build in movement into your daily routine. Balance on one leg when brushing, calf raises while food is microwaving, balancing while washing dishes, silly elaborate movements when unloading the dishwasher, stretch breaks to grab water/snacks while working. And standard advice of take stairs, walk where possible, park further away if driving.

      – I have committed to 5 minutes of dance each day in my living room, after dinner. I turn on the fairy lights, pick a song I’m in the mood for, and either continue or stop once it ends. It’s me time, it’s fun, it’s movement, and I love it.
      – skip instead of running. It’s more fun.
      – if my legs are tired, work my arms, and vice versa. If I end up skipping a day, that’s okay. My body needs rest, and tomorrow I will be refreshed and ready to start the day.

    28. Nervous Nellie*

      I bought two $50.00 compact ellipticals – basically the pedals for a bike and nothing else. I keep one at work and one and home. While I work, or at home while I watch movies, I cycle. Even the cheap ellipticals have mileage trackers and adjustable tension dials. Once a week I add up the mileage and then look at a map to imagine where I could have cycled to for that distance. I have a vague goal of cycling longer each time to ‘reach’ the next farthest city in my mind. I hardly notice the cycling when I am absorbed with work or a film. It’s strengthened my legs which is improving my balance – highly recommended.

    30. Chaordic One*

      One more vote for walking. Sometimes, when I have time, and when things work out right, I might combine walking with another errand if the logistics of it work out and I live close enough. For example, I might walk to the library or to a nearby store to buy something. (Maybe I need a couple of grocery items.) Sometimes I might walk downtown and reward myself by going to Starbucks (I usually just get a tall or grande drip with no sugar).

  8. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been playing the video game Unicorn Overlord, which is kind of anime style strategy RPG. I have a feeling it will feel a bit longer than I’d like for an idea game, but I’m having fun figuring it out.

    1. Lemonwhirl*

      I got Terraforming Mars (board game) for Christmas and it’s become a family favourite. My 14-year old kid is a shark at hexagonal strategy games. He’s fantastic at recognizing and capitalizing on opportunities and shifting his strategy whereas I tend to get overly focused on building cards. He’s won every game, and the closest I’ve gotten to him is 10 points.

      It’s sort of like he’s a marathoner and I’m a sprinter. I am excellent at shorter strategy games like Race for the Galaxy. There’s something about the smaller focus and short time horizon that works for me.

      Would love any recs for any kind of strategy games. (We have Scythe – the kid wins 9 out of 10 games. :D)

      1. Sarah*

        The sequel to Scythe, Expeditions, is just as good, plays quite differently and comes with all the joy of being back in that world.

        I recently got Huang which we are all in love with and I highly recommend. You try to build your own territory and gain victory points but constantly get drawn into battles with opponents or get taken down in a peasants’ revolt. Very fun and very easy to stir up trouble between your opponents while watching from the sidelines

        Another Stonemaier one I love is Euphoria. A strategic worker placement game where you’re trying to get the right resources at the right time but a bit of luck thrown in as your workers are dice so your rolls affect them.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          I am currently playing through Gloomhaven: Jaws of the Lion (a more small scale version of the main game) with my boyfriend and two friends. It’s challenging but fun, and the mechanics are pretty familiar to me as an ex-DnDer.

    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Someone last week recommended Doors: Paradox and Boxes: Lost Fragments. They were on sale in a bundle on Steam so I grabbed them both! Doors is a simple, but pretty puzzle game, it very much feels like it was made for a tablet. Boxes is a lot more in-depth, with longer levels, more varied and challenging puzzles, and a really cool steampunk aesthetic. Boxes feels very similar to a different franchise I like – The Room.
      Thanks to whoever recommended them!

    3. Qwerty*

      Apparently The Sims 1 and The Sims 2 are available with all of their expansion packs – just bought the bundle on Steam and waiting for it to download :)

    4. Dana*

      replaying outer wilds currently ! we played it all the way thru when it came out, but felt the urge to start again from the beginning. it has the most gorgeous visuals and soundtrack. if you play it go in completely blind, i mean that, google NOTHING. you won’t regret it :)

      1. Maple Cheesecake*

        omg, Outer Wilds was my first thought to mention on this thread! I played it through in the summer, so I’ll wait a bit longer for a replay, but gods is there nothing like the experience of this game.

        Seconding though -> Look up nothing! so much of the sheer joy of this game is in the discovery.

        Currently, I’m taking a break from the Witcher 3 to replay Halo 3: ODST. Need some cozy rainy city vibes before the end of Witcher 3 breaks my heart lol

    5. Greyhound*

      I’m playing Indiana Jones and the Great Circle on XBox. For Indy fans it’s perfect. Lots of whip cracking, exploring, puzzle solving, mysterious secrets, plots and very satisfying beating up of bad guys – cathartic in current times.

  9. New computer blues*

    I’m feeling pretty disappointed by the Asus Zenbook 13″ laptop that I just got. For one thing, a 13″ screen is really too small (my old laptop is 14″), and the text resolution is not very good for a low-vision user. I’m about ready to return it. I wonder how long I should give it to see if I can tolerate it, within the 30-day return window. If you’ve been unhappy with a new device, did you decide quickly that it wasn’t working for you or did you try to adapt to it for a week or two?

    1. hummingbird*

      Is there a particular reason why you went with this laptop+smaller screen? Otherwise, I’d return it sooner than later.

    2. WellRed*

      Return it. I’m unhappy with the laptop I bought a year ago (screen too big ha ha) and have rarely used it since because I just don’t like it. I was in a hurry and had a limited budget.

    3. Kaleidoscope*

      no because the reasons you don’t like aren’t going to change. return it while you still can

    5. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I’d go with a 14 inch Macbook Air, if you are a Mac person. Otherwise, definitely in your case, a minimum of 14 inch (maybe 15. 16 is probably too big and bulky).

    6. Observer*

      I wonder how long I should give it to see if I can tolerate it, within the 30-day return window

      No, do not do that.

      Your equipment should be as comfortable as you can get, not the lowest grade you can tolerate. If you were only using this once in 3 months, that would be one thing. But for something you probably use every day, ergonomics *matter*.

      For someone with low vision, your best best are a laptop with a bigger screen (and 14″ is the lowest I would even consider), or a laptop / desktop with a decent external port and a desktop monitor. (eg, don’t get an older laptop with just a VGA port).

      If you have the space for it, the external monitor is a game changer in my experience.

    7. Liane*

      Late to this, but return it now – literally today. As others have said, the things you don’t like/can’t use easily won’t change. More importantly return/exchange times for electronics are often much shorter than for other goods in many chains.
      At my old retail company, it was 14 days vs. 90 for other returns. Plus management is very unlikely to be willing & able to make an exception if you’re a couple days outside the return window on a big ticket item.

  10. Cat vs. Plants*

    I inherited an elderly relative’s cat – kitty is 2 years old and I love him. But he loves my plants too much! I have several airplane plants and kitty won’t stop biting them. The plants are hiding in my laundry room, under a fluorescent light and behind a closed door.
    Is there anything I can put on them that won’t hurt them or kitty but will discourage him from chewing on them? Are the plants doomed to live out their days in the laundry room?
    Any help would be very much appreciated!

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I second the suggestion for old birdcages. One of my friends has birdcages to keep their cat away from their plants, and they look good. There’s still some potential for nibbling around the edges if the plant(s) start to grow outside the safety of the cage (which airplane/spider plants probably will) but the bulk of the plant will be safe.

    3. H.Regalis*

      My cat went for my aloe plant, which is not good for cats. My new apartment has ceiling hooks someone put in ages ago for plants. I got some hanging baskets at a resale shop and that has been the perfect solution. I can water the plants without getting on a ladder and they are away from feline chompers.

    4. WellRed*

      I had to look up airplane plants and it’s a regular old spider plant? Mist it with vinegar and water?

        1. Sloanicota*

          Some kitties do take anything you do as a personal challenge. And they have allll day, every day …

    6. RC*

      High shelf, not accessible to cats? (Make sure it REALLY isn’t accessible to cats… ask me how I know ugh.)

    7. Aphrodite*

      I have three cats who will NOT leave any living plant alone except, for a reaso I cannot figure out, those supermarket orchids. My years of experience with cats and plants is this: either the plants will kill the cats or the cats will kill the plants. After watching three Boston ferns die from their attentions, I gave up and now have a thriving garden on my front porch. Nothing inside except three faux plants/flowers.

      I liike to hang out on home decor forums like Houzz and it always amuses and irritates me to see some pros put down not just faux plants but those who would have them. I take time to pooint out that while real plants are wonderful, those with young kids, cats and maybe dogs may not be able to have them for safety reasons.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yep… I had already given away a lot of my late husband’s tropical indoor plants before I got my rescue pup. And I continue to encounter new problems with the remaining ones my teen wants to keep.

        (I have the citrus and pineapple virtually caged behind furniture, and doggo stands there whining that he can’t eat leaves and make himself barf.)

      2. tuxedo mom*

        I use a spray called Claw Withdraw. Relatively mild scent, but the cats hate how it tastes, so they stop chewing on my plants.

        Best part is that after I’ve been spraying something consistently (every day or two), they eventually decide it’s just not worth the trouble, so I mostly don’t have to spray anymore unless it’s a new item.

    8. Sloanicota*

      You’re not going to like it but the only thing that’s ever worked for me is to put the plants under glass, like a terrarium – if you have an aquarium turned upside down or a giant indoor glass greenhouse, perhaps that’s an option. Even then it has to be rather well secured and lidded.

      1. Frieda*

        I feel this!

        IKEA has some nice glass cabinets – I have two for plants. The rest of the plants are atop very tall bookshelves and in my son’s room (he’s in college so not typically at home) where the door stays firmly closed. I also have a hoya that’s hanging from a hook in the ceiling.

        In the summer I move them to the sun porch where cats are not permitted.

    9. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My previous cat, indoor only, adored her pot of cat grass and sometimes just sniffed it and sometimes ate it as a digestive, and sometimes ate it to help throw up a fur ball. I had two pots of it and just changed them around each week so they had a week off outside to recover in the sunshine.
      So you could experiment with his own plant, see if that meets his needs! I also brought the catnip/mint pot in for her occasionally too, as opposed to just giving her a few leaves, she liked that.

      1. Jackalope*

        For a long time I had a catnip plant a friend gave me in a place my cats could reach if they were feeling persistent. It was on a windowsill and they could reach one side but not the other. The poor plant was completely bare on the one side and thriving and healthy on the other.

      2. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I was thinking cat grass as well. I think hiding all the other plants is important…but I wonder if the cat might stop attacking all the other green things so much if they’ve got their own pot with a (better) digestive aid.

    10. LemonTaffy*

      my thoughts: get another cat to redirect kitty’s young-cat energy, set up cat-tv (birdfeeder), and get nontoxic plants just in case

    11. Kitty*

      Our cats do the same, and I finally just had to make peace with the fact that the plants would be for their enjoyment as well as for ours. Spider/airplane plants are really too hardy for the cats to kill and, unlike many other houseplants, they won’t hurt the cats either, so I think of it as a general symbiosis that involves bite marks on plants. My consolation is that cats’ facial expressions when gnawing on leaves are hilarious.

    12. Treena*

      You can spray those citrus sprays for furniture (as long as they’re not in direct sunlight–might burn the plant)

      I don’t have this issue (or many of the issues people tend to have with cats). We kept the plants out of reach for his first year, then put a few in reach and he’s not particularly interested. The thing that really makes the difference is to mentally stimulate them very well. Bored cats will be “naughty” without fail. I clicker train, have him hunt his kibble, etc.

    13. All Monkeys are French*

      I use a multi-pronged approach. I keep anything particularly attractive or potentially harmful out of my cats’ reach. I do this either by hanging plants from the ceiling or putting them on tall plant stands with no room for a cat to perch. Anything within their reach is either a plant they don’t try to chew (like a snake plant or rubber tree – technically toxic so YMMV) or a decoy. I keep one bella palm inside a ring of chicken wire (bird cage would certainly look prettier) and they are allowed to nibble anything that grows outside the wire. I’ve done this with spider plants also, but now I have so many babies that I can just rotate them out into a cat-free recovery space when they get too bedraggled. And finally, I try to keep a supply of cat grass on hand. It turns out, some grasses are more desirable than others. If I can get the really good stuff from the local farm that grows it, they’ll completely ignore the houseplants.
      Best of luck. Cats are cute but they can try one’s patience!

    14. AnonymousOctopus*

      Airplane plants have a mild hallucinogenic effect for cats so your cat might just like tripping! Aside from making the plant less accessible to him, you might try getting more catnip or silver vine toys and redirecting him to those when you catch him munching on your plant. If it’s more of a crunchy texture thing he’s enjoying, getting a container of cat grass or wheatgrass just for him to munch could be another redirection option.

  11. Forested*

    yarn folks! what are you working on?

    I’m crocheting a granny square blanket out of these tiny, weird little acrylic skeins from Amazon a friend got for Christmas and didn’t need because she’s a prolific knitter. it’s been a good distraction the last few weeks.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I currently have a sock and a sweater on needles, and am debating whether I’m going to take my spinner on my business trip this upcoming week because if I do I need to prep a wad of fluff.

    2. Evvy*

      I am working on learning to crochet “interlocking patches” (by Steven – there’s a whole website for them) that produce a sort of granny-square-sized thing with a design on it. The ones I’m working on are all animals. I love them — I’m trying to get into visible mending and I think these would be perfect to patch some of my holey shirts, if I can get good enough at making them!

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’m psyching myself up to knit my first pair of socks, but for now I’m knitting more little prawns to use up the rest of the embroidery floss!

      1. RLC*

        I had never heard of knitted prawns, of course had to look them up and Oh! So cute! Of course at our house they’d be confined to the safety of a latched glass cabinet else they would disappear into the clutches of kitty paws.

    4. Anon Poster*

      I’ve recently gotten very into knitting. I learned how to knit about a decade ago and didn’t stick with it, but now I’m finding it really fun and soothing. I’ve finished a few small projects and am tempted to try a beginner sweater. Can anyone suggest a decent yarn to attempt a first sweater with that I can get at a Joann or a Hobby Lobby? I know a locally-owned yarn store would be a better choice, but I’m almost three hours away from the closest one to me on Google Maps. I’ll be willing to drive the distance and pay yarn store prices when I’m more confident in my skills, but for a first attempt that I’m definitely going to mess up a whole lot and probably never actually wear, I’d like to keep it more budget-friendly.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Depends on the pattern gage for the yarn thickness you’d need, but I’d look for a colour that you like that’s not too fibrous. Mohair for example is an absolute PITA to unravel so definitely pick something easy to undo for your first jumper!

        (And for the record it took me four (4) tries to get the neck on my first jumper right, it’s a learning curve for sure…)

      2. Mostly Managing*

        Patons yarn has been around for ages and wears well – I have a sweater made from Canadiana that I made about 5 years ago which still looks more or less new.

        Look for the pattern first. If you’re on Ravelry, look at patterns from a designer called “Tin Can Knits” – they have a series of patterns designed for beginners. Flax is an easy sweater, or Harvest if you want a cardigan.
        Look at the instructions, and see what thickness (weight) of yarn you need and how much you need for your size. Then go shopping!

        Have fun!!

      4. PM by Day, Knitter by Night*

        If you don’t find anything you like at Joann’s/HL, you might consider ordering online. It’s not most people’s preferred option but for something like a Cascade or a Berroco (I like the Cascade 22o or Berroco Vintage), it’s not a bad option. Knit Picks is another popular online vendor with their own brands.

    5. Flames on the Side of My Face*

      I just finished a large chunky knit blanket for a friend going through a loss

    6. Jazz and Manhattans*

      I really want to start on a blanket using yarn purchased on our travels but I hurt my neck so everything is on hold until I can find those prism / belay? glasses so I don’t have to move my head down. My plan is to crochet different squares with each skein.

    7. Mostly Managing*

      I’m planning a granny square blanket out of leftovers.
      Meanwhile, I’m making a cabled cardigan for keeping warm in the office, and there are always socks-in-progress in my bag for when I get stuck waiting places. I do 3-4 pairs of socks each year in waiting rooms, at the bank, on my lunch hour, waiting for kids to finish robotics meetings, etc.

    8. epicdemiologist*

      Crocheting a lace shawl out of fine wool (almost as fine as sock yarn) for my daughter-in-law, for spring. (Pattern is “Kria” by Tinna Thorudottir Thorvaldar on Ravelry, if anyone’s curious).

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      I am knitting, very slowly, a Wheat scarf by TinCanKnits and a temperature scarf for 2025. I can’t knit a lot because of arthritis in my hands, but I try to knit at least two rows on a scarf a day.

      I miss being able to whip out a shawl in a long weekend, but it’s good to be knitting regularly again. At least I’ll never run out of yarn again!

    10. Rose is a rose*

      I’m on the second of a pair of mittens. They are from the Saltwater Mittens book of Newfoundland mitten patterns. Two balls of yarn and with a knit index finger as well as the thumb, so a bit fiddly at times, but beautiful and cosy!

    11. Ezra*

      I’m making my first ever striped project (I’ve been progressing very slowly as a knitter.) Took a bit of experimentation, but I have produced a satisfactory Yankee-pinstripes look for a blanket I’m making for my brother!

    12. UpstateDownstate*

      New to knitting …I’m working on two beannie hats, one from Stitch & Story and the other from Wool and the Gang (could seriously go broke with this website and all the beautiful kits they offer).

      I’m having a tough time following instructions from both mostly because they are so vastly different. It’s like they are saying the same thing but in different languages (for knitters)….but it’s fun and I’m excited to work my way up to a sweater. OR little knitted hats for eggs lol.

  13. The Dude Abides*

    Need recs for a new smartwatch/fitness tracker!

    After yet another FitBit going kaput, I’m ready to move on to a different brand. I’ve never had one last more than 15 months – FitBit has been good about sending a replacement, but I’m off them at this point.

    I don’t necessarily need a smartwatch, just a durable, affordable device that can help me track what I need for fitness (distance, heart rate, etc).

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Ymmv, but I’ve just bought an old fashioned stopwatch to track my walk/jog cycles because I got so sick of squinting at the fitbit screen…

    2. hummingbird*

      Not sure how good the distance/step tracking is* but what about Oura ring? Expensive however you can use health funds.

      *I either use my Garmin when I run or use Strava when I walk the dog.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Ring is a no go – I play pickup basketball 3x/week, and I need to know if I’m getting my heart rate as high as I want (ideal is 160-170bpm at peak).

    3. LemonTaffy*

      wow, my Fitbit is going on 7 years this year! either you have just been really unlucky, or you really need something that can take the punishment

      1. Blue wall*

        I think it might be you that’s lucky- I’ve also had to replace my FitBits every 16-24 months for the last six years (I’ve been wearing them for 15 years). It’s incredibly frustrating.

        1. Rara Avis*

          Me too. The current one has lasted longer than a year, which is a record, but the battery isn’t holding a charge very well any more.

        2. LemonTaffy*

          aww that’s too bad! here I thought they were a good brand. I only use it for tracking my steps since I’ve had quite a few surgeries from a car accident. perhaps my gentler use has had a big impact

          1. Observer*

            They *were* a good brand. But Google has pretty much transitioned away from the brand. They’ve assimilated most of the software (which also works with their watch) and the best of the hardware tech was also assimilated to the Pixel brand watches.

            So, it’s hard to tell how much Google is really investing in the line.

    4. Camelid coordinator*

      I like Garmin watches. Since you are doing a variety of workouts the Venu (what I currently have) or the vivoactive might work for you. I think they last about three years.

    6. HamlindigoBlue*

      +1 for Garmin. The Forerunner 265 is able to track basketball activities. Forerunner 165 does much of the same but doesn’t have a specific tracker for basketball. The Garmin website has a good breakdown of which model does what.

      I’ve used FitBit, Jawbone, Apple Watch, Samsung, and Garmin. They’re all fine, but I really like the details you can get out of Garmin, and the battery life is great. I only need to charge it about once a week (maybe slightly more often if I enable GPS for activities). I always get a nylon strap and toss the silicon one that they all usually come with because it’s much more comfortable.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Second! I really like my Garmin. I had a very basic model and upgraded to the 265S (just a smaller watch face version of the 265) in the fall, and it’s great for tracking all the non-running activities I do. And I like that it pretty much looks like a normal watch, because it has a round face.

    7. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Fitbit is owned by Google anyways. You don’t want to give them even more info on you.

    8. Observer*

      Does Fitbit still do the trackers that you clip on to your clothes? I think that they are a lot more durable. I had one for years, and then it got lost in an airport. So, totally not on them.

      I’ve done quite well with my Pixel watch. I don’t have the latest model, but it’s been reasonably durable. I got it because it was on sale and I needed something that does some level of sleep tracking. Just don’t wear it in the shower.

      I have not had good experience with the low end watches / bands. I hear folks that swear by Garmin, but I get the impression that they are not talking about the lowest end units.

    9. anxiousGrad*

      I just got the Samsung Galaxy Fit3. It’s pretty cheap (at most $60 on the Samsung website). I got it primarily for the fall detection and emergency SOS features because I live alone and have a health condition where I could have a health emergency that makes it difficult to get to my phone to call 911. But it also connects to the Samsung Health app, so it tracks my steps, heart rate, blood oxygen, and sleep. I don’t really want all of that information, so I haven’t been looking at it that much, but the heart rate and blood oxygen have been accurate when I compare them to the readings on my pulse oximeter. The sleep tracking has been remarkably accurate about when I am actually asleep vs awake in the night, but it’s given me really good ratings on my sleep even when I haven’t slept well for me (but I also need a lot more sleep than most people because of my health condition). They claim that the battery lasts 13 days and I don’t think that’s true, but it charges super quickly, so I’ve been keeping the battery up by charging it while I shower. Overall, I like it so far and it’s much cheaper than other smart watches. I’ve had it for less than a month, though, so I can’t say much about durability.

    10. Roy G. Biv*

      Amazon’s Amazfit has worked great for me, and it was less than half the cost of most of the other products. I also burned through 3 different Fitbits, and decided I needed to try a much less expensive option. I’ve been happy with it.

  14. Not Quite Good Enough for the Joys thread!*

    I have friends who lost their home in the Altadena (California) wildfires. One of their neighbors (who also lost his home) set up a go fund me page for them. Of course I made a donation, but I want to say that I am very happy that so many other people have made donations to my friends. They are very close to meeting the goal that was set for them. I just find it so very touching. It kind of makes me feel a bit verklempt.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t know anyone personally affected, but I’ve been touched by how many GoFundMe posts have been come my way for Altadena residents. These are coming from people who are personally vetting each one, just to be helpful overall. I wish I could contribute more than my small amount.

    2. Rara Avis*

      I also have friends (a former colleague’s family whose kid was classmate of mine), and in addition to a go fund me, that had a team organize a very focused donation drive to supply their new house — a spreadsheet with a list of wants and needs, a Google form for people to offer what they could give, someone sorting through, organizing pick-up, etc.

    3. ElastiGirl*

      I have many friends who lost their homes in both the Altadena (Eaton) and Palisades fires, and my children’s hometown burned to the ground. The local support has been absolutely amazing — I had lunch yesterday with a dear friend who lost her home, and she said organizations keep handing her money.

      But stay in touch with your friends who lost everything. The rebuild process (for those able to rebuild) will take 2 years and be traumatic in many ways. Your friends will keep needing you long after people have moved on. The holiday season is likely to be especially hard this year…

      Brava to you for taking care of them now! You’re a good friend…

  15. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    I watched Back in the Game, about spies who retired to have a family and get pulled back in when they are recognized. Good action pieces and fight choreography, linked by the most by-the-books script written by a committee. It’s not trying to be anything better than a generic action spy movie, and succeeds at that.

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      I just started My Life is Murder and am enjoying the Lucy Lawless goodness! My favorite parts so far:

      Great chemistry with the characters
      A cat keeps wandering into her apartment to hang out and she cuddles and schmoopie talks him in silly voices
      She speaks German
      All the men on the show are at least momentarily dazzled by her beauty/confidence and that she is not 23 years old is of absolutely no import!

      2. allx*

        Love Lucy Lawless and My Life Is Murder for all those same reasons! Love her long coats and purposeful stride also.

      3. allathian*

        One of my favorites! I especially like the colorful clothes she wears with such incredible confidence.

      4. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Thanks for this! Started watching it Friday night. Love her not-my-cat (which really resembles my own Tiggs except mine has white paws and a white cravat, similar to the beauty at the top of this post and the breadbaking and condo-life issues. The fact that she ends up with a bloody scraped arm after doing one of those tuck-and-roll moves to get away from an oncoming driver instead of popping up without a scratch felt much more realistic than most spy/cop action scenes.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just finished Season 1 of The Great. Really well done, but a bit stressful to watch this month.

      Rewatching The Librarians, which is a great comfort watch.

      Have also been making my way through all of Star Trek: Voyager, which I only watched sporadically back when it was first aired. DS9 is still my favorite ST series.

      I’m all caught up on Harry Wild, and Jane Seymour is wonderful in it, but so is the rest of the cast.

      1. allathian*

        DS9 is my favorite too, largely thanks to decent character development. Jake obviously grows up during the show, but Dr. Bashir also matures quite a lot during the show, and all of the characters change somehow as the seasons go on.

        Voyager was a bit of a step backwards by comparison, it’s much more episodic. It took me two rewatches to really enjoy the show for what it is, rather than mourn what it isn’t.

        Currently watching Picard. I’m enjoying it, but it’s not for the squeamish. Seven is more badass in this than she ever was on Voyager.

        Current shows that have been made for streaming are sometimes too arc-based for me, and it gets annoying if you have to watch everything that’s gone before to understand what’s happening now. That’s fine if it’s within a show, but the Star Wars and Marvel universes are getting ridiculous. DS9 hit the sweet spot for me with an easy to follow show with decent character development and some references to what had gone before.

        1. CityMouse*

          I couldn’t get through Picard. The only new Era show I really liked was Strange New Worlds because I’ve found the other Paramount+ shows to just be too grim.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      My husband and I have been watching Boardwalk Empire and I’m enjoying it, but definitely one of those shows where all of the characters are deeply flawed (in the actively murdering or going along with murder sort of way) and so I don’t even know who I rooting for…which isn’t necessary for me in a show, but I’m not sure how I feel about another few seasons with these characters…

      1. allathian*

        I felt the same way about Boardwalk Empire, but I really enjoyed the historical setting, the costumes and cinematography.

        I’m feeling similarly ambivalent about The Sopranos.

    4. CTT*

      I saw One Of Them Days tonight, and a fun time was had by all. They really don’t make enough movies like that anymore.

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      Our current family watch is Acapulco, a sitcom about a Mexican billionaire telling his lifestory to his young nephew. The billionaire grew up poor and got his first break when he got a job at the Los Collinas resort in the 80s. It’s charming and funny. And it makes good effect of the storytelling conceit – sometimes the action cuts back to the present day with the nephew questioning the details of the story.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Sadly, no more Three Pines. Sigh. Know this for a fact, as the three kids in it are the grands of a dear friend.

        (The youngest of them now gets killed off in the upcoming Stephen King movie, “The Institute”!)

      2. WellRed*

        I loved Three Pines and can’t imagine why they cancelled after one season. And that ending! I need to know what happens.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My catchup continues–I’m finally watching Castle and House.

      My teen hooked me on House–he was a bit confused when I just started in the middle of a season and said I didn’t need him to backfill plot & character development. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  My GenX childhood TV viewing didn’t have the option to pause or binge from episode 1, so I’m used to guessing at the gaps.

      Castle I paused at an episode where he’s intentionally putting himself at risk again. He’s not just risking HIS life but his daughter’s childhood!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I felt the best of Castle was encapsulated by S2’s Hallowe’en episode, in which (as I recall):
        • Castle goes to rescue Alex and friend after friend is roofied, and he tells the friend’s parents. He’s mostly the cool fun dad, but can step out of that role if needed.
        • When he leaves on this quest, Beckett babysits Eggbert, the egg Alex and friend are supposed to be watching to convince them that babies are a lot of work. Beckett makes Eggbert a little bed on her desk.
        • Lanie points out that if Castle and Beckett were actually into each other, they would have tried going on a date long ago.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol, that’s us Gen Xers for you — we are resilient and adaptable. I love how the shrug emoticon is like the embodiment of “whatever.”

      3. epicdemiologist*

        Fans of House may enjoy the collected essays of Berton Roueche, who wrote medical-mystery (nonfiction) columns for the New Yorker for decades. The Medical Detectives was the source of several season 1 House episodes (and was also the book that made me want to be an epidemiologist!). Other titles include Eleven Blue Men and The Incurable Wound.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh man, my dad was a doctor, and he would just RAIL against House and how no hospital in the world would put up with him and the train of lawsuits he’d generate, he didn’t care HOW brilliant he was…just really fired up!

        I personally liked the show and adore Hugh Laurie.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I liked the show and adore Hugh Laurie, but as a HIM professional, your dad is 1000% right and I yelled at the show all the time. (Mostly about how he’d have lost hospital privileges for lack of documentation to complete billing, but also, yeah, when Cuddy was like “I budgeted $100,000 for lawsuits against him” I about fell off the couch yelling “NO EFFING WAY.”)

    8. Meh*

      I binged all of The Traitors (US) and then watched the Australian version. I much prefer theirs. American reality/game shows are bring out the ugly in people, or they play it up and that’s just not what I need these days.

    9. Bluebell Brenham*

      Paradise is new on Hulu and I’ve watched 2 episodes so far. It’s by the same producer as This is Us and runs in two timelines. Sterling K Brown heads up security for President James Marsden. It’s very promising!

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      The more recent version of *All Creatures Great and Small*. I’m not particularly loving the most recent series/season, but I would highly recommend seasons 1-3. Season 3 is particularly excellent.

    12. Nervous Nellie*

      I have started into Let’s Eat, a Korean drama about 4 singles to who get together to eat out to avoid the discomfort they feel dining alone. It’s light & charming. The first 2 seasons are free on Tubi right now, with a subtitles toggle available even to users who don’t sign in.

    13. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Started watching Gladiator 2, got halfway through before bedtime, and decided not to continue the next day because it’s not nearly as good as the original. We decided to re-watch the original Gladiator instead, and enjoyed it a LOT more.
      I really hate how I sound when I say movie writing is much lower quality, it feels like yelling about “kids these days…” But I’ve had the same experience now with several recent sequels to franchises I really enjoy! The third Ant-Man movie, we made it 45 minutes in without anyone explaining the plot to any of the characters (and by extension the audience), and had to turn it off because we were bored and frustrated. The first and second Ant Man movies were awesome and heartwarming! Same with the third Deadpool movie, we made it halfway in and weren’t invested in the plot at all, when they abruptly introduced a new villain they hadn’t even hinted at before and derailed the entire storyline. Meanwhile the first two were both heartbreaking and eventually heartwarming and had a strong emotional connection to the characters from the start. (yeah, I know, they’re both Marvel movies, what did I expect, but both of them were outside the main Marvel storyline and had two excellent movies already. I was super excited for both of them!) Those are just the two most recent and I know there’s been others but none of them were memorable enough even as failures! Just bland, “meh” storytelling and reused plots…
      Well, this turned into a bit of a rant but watching movies has been frustrating more often than not lately.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I’m with you – I was excited to watch Deadpool and Wolverine and waited for it to become cheap enough to rent – and then promptly turned it off 20 min in because I was so unengaged.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I found it very ephemeral–fine on a surface level, but not doing anything at all interesting. Marvel’s version of the multiverse is not good for story-telling, with the infinity do-overs removing any tension.

          Still irritated that they had a problem that could only be solved using Juggernaut’s helmet, and is he even in this dimension? Oh, yeah, he’s not only in this timeline and on this planet, he’s downstairs. Literally a few feet away.

    14. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Certainly not a suggestion for most folks, but I’m attempting a rewatch of Doctor Who (NuWho only). I did not like the 12th Doctor years at all — checked out for awhile, dipping back in occasionally to see if I liked it any better — and I’m curious if I’ll like him better this time. Last night I saw the end of the 11+ Amy/Rory era and that makes me sad, love that combo. That and 10 + Donna are my favs.

      Finished my Chuck (everyman tech guy becomes accidental spy) rewatch before it disappeared from Max — such a lot of fun and I always recommend it. One new-to-me show in my rotation is Haven (small town plagued by supernatural powers), and I might be tapping out in S5. It’s getting annoying! Also watching Somebody Somewhere (dramedy set in Kansas) and everyone seems to love it but I think it’s just ok. I don’t love or hate any of the characters. They’re…fine?

      1. allathian*

        I loved Christopher Eccleston so much as 9 that it took me all of the first season with 10 to get used to him. Amy and Rory were fine, but I preferred Rose as a companion, and I absolutely *hated* Donna, no idea why. My favorite companions were Rose, River Song, Martha, and Clara.

        I never really liked 11 either, I got sick of that ADHD jumping about very quickly. My second favorite was 12. I’ve only seen the first season with 13, and I liked her well enough but some of the writing was pretty bad. My local broadcaster dropped DW after that so I haven’t seen 14 yet.

        1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          Yeah, the writing for 13 was bad. I watched a handful, skipped the rest. Really liking 14 though, iffy on the companions. It may only be available on Disney and BBC now.

    15. allathian*

      Just started Queen of Fucking Everything, a Finnish dark comedy about a real estate agent specializing in high-end real estate whose husband absconds with her money when his business goes bust, leaving her to pay his personal debts in the millions. Hijinks ensue when she tries to manage using just cash in a largely cashless society to prevent the authorities from confiscating all of her funds to pay for his debts, while trying to hide her financial situation from her coworkers who have expensive tastes. We’re two episodes in so far, and while I think the format would benefit from slightly shorter episodes, the acting’s very good, especially Laura Malmivaara who plays the main character.

      The title’s in English, the show’s mainly in Finnish with some English where appropriate, and it’s already been sold to some foreign markets.

  16. Shiny Penny*

    Does anyone have any recommendations about where to buy N-95 masks that are *for sure* authentic?
    I learned about the organization “Project N-95” here, on one of the AAM weekend threads (huge thanks to whoever mentioned them!). It was such a relief to be able to buy through them, and stop worrying about counterfeit masks. Sadly, Project N-95 shut down a couple years ago, feeling their job was done because covid had gotten under control.
    I still need a safe source of good masks, though, and my family is getting too close to the end of our stock.
    Any ideas on good sources?

    1. Brave Little Roaster*

      I buy KN-95s from Bona Fide masks. They have different colors and a few different sizes and styles.

      2. stickyglizard*

        Thirding Bona Fide masks. I found them from a list of authentic mask distributors on a local news report reporting on the fake N95 issue back in 2020, and I’ve been very happy. Lots of options, good pricing, regular 15/20% off coupons, and very reasonable shipping fees.

      4. Tea & Sympathy*

        I also love the Bona Fide masks. I found them through a NY Times/Wirecutter article on authentic masks They are comfortable and offer KN95 protection. I think the article also recommended an authorized N95 mask.

    2. Hope this helps*

      There seems to be a project N-95 website with links to where you can buy masks that they had vetted during Covid. Otherwise reputable retailers like CVS. And 3M seems to have links to where you can buy there products. So check the manufacturers’ web sites for the masks you have now.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yes, I used to get my masks from the Project N-95 website and they still list referrals to reputable sources.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Thank you Woodswoman! I did decide to use their links, but it’s a bit of a bummer that the links were last authenticated an entire year ago.
          So I did buy some masks that way, but thought I’d see if anyone knew anything more up to date.
          Really grateful they still have the links up, though!

      2. RC*

        Yeah, I think it depends which one you’re looking for—both our go-tos are 3M and they have vendor links on their website (which often link to Evil Empire or the like, but I have presumed that particular vendor is legit).

        Also, since everyone’s decided Covid Is Totally Over (*laughs in bird flu too*), I think there’s likely less market for fake N95s these days. I think you can also check serial numbers to be extra sure.

    3. Derivative Poster*

      I buy KF94 masks (the South Korean equivalent) from Kollecte USA, a website that specializes in Korean products. Back in 2021 or thereabouts, I read an interview with someone who tested masks, and he said in his experience the KF94s were much less likely to be counterfeit.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        I have been using KF94 masks as well, and I find they are very comfortable. I also like that they come with a sleeve you can put the mask back in when not wearing it, and mine came with a little hook you could use to hold the mask on, which kept my ears from getting sore.

      2. Reba*

        I get KF94 masks from MaskLab!
        I find this style is more comfortable and better fit for my face, and these ones are fun.

    4. Isabel Archer*

      During the pandemic I did the research and bought masks from Aegle. I bought direct from them, but can’t find their website now. Their masks seem to be available from a lot of vendors now, including AMZ, but I definitely preferred buying direct to avoid knockoffs and straight-up fraud products.

    6. N95s*

      I buy mine direct from the Honeywell website. I liked the molded cup ones, they feel very secure to me and don’t move as much as KN95s.

    8. Ashley*

      I get most of mine from the hardware store where I bought them for years pre-pandemic. They don’t always have the individually wrapped ones though which are nice for the glove box.

    9. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Home Depot, of all places. They have them there for non-medical purposes (think sanding nasty stuff) but they’re definitely genuine – I get 3M there. You’re not going to get anything other than white, however.

      2. Observer*

        Home Depot, of all places.

        That, or any other places that caters to the DIY or professional construction space. Because those folks absolutely demand genuine masks. (At least the ones who take safety seriously.)

      4. Fit Farmer*

        Yes, I buy the 3M Aura in bulk for cheap, but they are available at Home Depot & CVS for $$$. I’ve never considered that they may be counterfeit, so who knows. They’re the same masks we use for EMS in a medical setting, and we’re tested on them to ensure they fit us 100% — they do! I had no idea what I was missing when all we had were KN95s during the pandemic.

    10. V.*

      I’m a fan of BreatheTeq KN95 masks (really comfortable/breatheable as well as effective) and buy them directly from their website.

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Armbrust for N95s–I like the duckbill style–or Bona Fide masks for the Powecom KN95s, which are available with ear loops.

    12. Childless*

      Throwing in another vote for Armburst. They’re the only disposable masks brand that I’ve purchased because I wanted something American-made and was worried about cheap/counterfeit masks on Amazon. I haven’t bought them recently, but bought many boxes for my family during Covid and thought they were well-made and comfortable. They come in a couple different colors, so each person I bought them for got their favorite color, which was fun. I subscribed to e-mails because they usually have coupon codes around holidays (usually masks of specific colors).

    13. A Name*

      We wear Flo Masks. They are silicone frames with replaceable filters, in two sizes for high or low nose bridges. They are pricey initially, but super convenient and amazingly comfortable to wear. They´re easy to use, and the filters are very inexpensive.

      We have never stopped wearing masks (medical vulnerabilities). We love the Flo Masks — at this point, wearing them is just like wearing glasses. We´re still Covid-free, and very happy that our Flo Masks let us lead almost normal lives.

    14. Alyn*

      I use Bona Fide masks for ear loop KN95s for things like having to go into a store or doctor’s office.

      For long term wear when I’m at the office, I use Envo Mask – AirGel seal/plastic frame, replaceable filters, behind the head straps (although you can also get them with behind the ear straps if you prefer those, but I find those to be uncomfortable with this brand). The filters are good for up to 40 hours, so I only use one filter a week, unless conditions are really bad (like when we were dealing with a lot of wildfire smoke).

    15. SofiaDeo*

      The Gerson company is well known within the industry in the US. I get mine from them on Amazon, they sell individually wrapped, 5 per pack, in a zipper pouch. It’s the EZ-GO Zip Pak, their Extreme Comfort model, 3230 series. I used to setup microbiology specimens in a biological safety cabinet at the university hospital as my college Work Study job, as well as compound chemotherapy after licensure as a pharmacist, and I find these very comfortable. They are $10.01 per 5 pack, which IMO is reasonable. Amazon also offers 40 of the 5 packs for $140, which is $0.70 if you have a large family/friend group.

      The CDC website has a list of certified suppliers. Search for the “certified equipment list.”

  17. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What, if anything, are you hoping to do this weekend?

    I’m moving tomorrow, and I want to try to bring some semblance of order to my new apartment.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Gathering up the courage to use the overlocker before I have to return it to the tool library next weekend…

      1. Le le lemon*

        Videos and long-nosed tweezers are your friend here! Also, if you have access to 4 colours (even just machine thread, which isn’t *technically* overlocking thread), thread it up and stitch a sample so you can get an understanding of what each upper and lower looper does. Tension is the hardest thing to get correct.
        Also: some overlockers are finicky, and need to be threaded R to L.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          Luckily it’s threaded already! I’ll test it to tidy up some towels with ragged edges and if it goes well I’ll borrow it again another time for more advanced projects

      2. Maria R.*

        Just dive in! Nothing to be afraid of, especially if you’re using inexpensive fabric. I got mine and just… used it. It’s only intimidating or scary if you let it be so. If you don’t want to jump into making a garment or something (they’re great for knitwear), you could use it to do seam finishing. I like using it for hems, because it makes sewing a narrow hem so simple.

        Don’t sew over any pins with it, and take things slow. Have fun!

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I gave it a shot and I can definitely see the appeal, but now I also know why people haaaaaate rethreading them…

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m going to dive into the clutter that accumulated over a period of time when I was not attentive to it because I was sick, traveling on weekends, and sick again. It’s amazing how quickly that one thing you set down to deal with later becomes a pile.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I have to do that too this weekend, I call it a reset button clean… Good thing to do when you want to feel accomplished but not to leave the house

    3. Feeding the Paperwork Monster*

      I have paperwork to do. Mouuuuntains of paperwork. I need to sit down and fill it in and copy stuff and make tidy stacks of Take This To Appointment A, Take This to Appointment B and so on. I’ve done all the other things: I spent three hours yesterday just gathering the information about what paperwork I need to bring where and when; I’ve made all the appropriate appointments–all three of them! And now I need to do that last step of filling in the things…

    4. Bobina*

      I *want* to go out and do some garden cleanup before spring arrives too much. However that requires being outside, while inside is cosy and warm. So we’ll see!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The shower repair is supposed to start today. And I need to do bills in advance of my upcoming shoulder repair.

    6. TechWorker*

      I have had a cheese making kit in the back of my cupboard since Covid – I think it was a December 2019 Christmas present and then using 4 litres of milk (!) felt horrifically wasteful and I never got around to it. There’s no date on it so I am hoping the other bits don’t go off…

      1. Alice*

        Maybe you will feel better about it if you make a plan for how to use up the whey (byproduct)? You can use it for baking or soaking grains or lots of other things.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Here’s an example of procrastination that went on waaaaay too long. My smallish house has central heat/air, which has worked pretty well over the decades that I’ve lived here. Have had to replace/repair the furnace and A/C a couple of times, but in general it’s been fine. However, a recent upgrade resulted in the tech telling me that I might need some changes in the venting to handle the new burner properly – well and good, if a bit pricey.

      Well, before the appointment to figure out how much new venting I’d need, I decided to take a look at the existing return vents (the ones that let the house air back into the furnace for recirculation, very important). And… one of them was in the hall and apparently fine, while the other was behind a tall wall-unit and was completely caked with dust and cat-fur {wry grin}. I had to shift the furniture to clear the thing off, and was embarrassed that I hadn’t done that in… at least 25 years?

      OK then. The tech shows up, I explain how I cleared the vent, he did the measurements – and still needed more venting. So he took the grills off of those return vents, and found that the one in the hall, while clear on the outside, was packed *solid* with dust and cat fur. Quite literally packed – I could have knitted a whole new cat from the stuff that was in there. I was thoroughly gobsmacked (and embarrassed – I’d meant to take off the grills myself just to check, and procrastinated). No wonder my vents would wheeze and the sides would bend in and out whenever the furnace kicked on – the poor thing’s arteries were blocked. I can’t believe it still worked…

      I did still need some vent-work done, but the whole system is much quieter now that the blockage is gone. And I have a new to-do item: at least once every year or two I will open the darned grills!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s like moving the stove and fridge in the kitchen to confront the hellscape that builds up under there…

    9. PollyQ*

      I’m going to work on cleaning my bathroom tomorrow. It may not be all-the-way immaculate, but it will definitely be better than when I started.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Filling out the paperwork for my mom’s insurance claims. I had to get the death certificate emailed from my sister and the forms really piled up.

      Also have to go through all my saved cards and envelopes to find our late Harvey’s hair/whisker that I saved when he passed. We lost our Peanut a few days ago and want to put those with his fur clipping.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I need to clean the fridge, but I’m saving it for tomorrow because I got my second shingles shot today, and I want to have something to do where I move my arm around. On Sunday mornings, I get up early and take laundry downstairs (we’re back down to one washer again, ugh) before anyone else can get in there, but that won’t really work the soreness out.

      By the way, get whatever vaccinations you need now, y’all, while you can!

    12. Aphrodite*

      Among my other savings, I have a cash jar at home. It is an oversized plastic contained with screw lid into which I keep money to have in case of an emergency such as an earthquake or fire where ATMs and all other electronic devices might not work for days. I am still working to get it up to around $500; right now it is just over $200 in pennies, nickels, dines, quarters, ones, fives and a twenty. I want to have mostly small bills so am focusing on adding mostly those.

      In the Excel sheet I use for budgeting I track all my savings in addition to income and spending, and on the first day of every month I update the amounts in savings. Since I occasionally dip into the cash jar for things I need to recount it, a somewhat tedious job. Well, I did it today and got it al done! Hooray.

  18. Six Feldspar*

    What are your favourite music videos?

    I love:
    – Here It Goes Again by Ok Go (treadmills!)
    – Thriller by Michael Jackson (needs no introduction)
    – Corner Of My Sky by Kelly Lee Owens (man vs magical toaster)
    – I Want To Break Free by Queen (get it stuck in my head whenever I vacuum)

    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I am not a big music video person, but here are two I have enjoyed in recent years (also both great artists):
      – The Staves, Black and White (news reporters who are a couple and they are fighting in between being on camera)
      – Orla Gartland, Zombie (she hunts zombies who are basically men out of touch with their feelings)

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Take on Me – a-ha
      Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper (honestly, all her videos are good)
      Don’t Answer Me – Alan Parsons Project
      Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet

      The second two, I like the songs fine but especially like the videos.

      1. GoryDetails*

        >> Take on Me – a-ha
        >> Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper

        Same! (Looking at other replies I think “Take On Me” is going to win the voting {grin}.)

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Take On Me by A-Ha (still one of the best videos ever made)
      Losing My Religion by REM
      Thriller by Michael Jackson (genuine cultural phenomenon at this point)

      I will undoubtedly think of more around 2 am…

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re “The Saga Begins” – I love that one! Am a Weird Al fan anyway, but that song is just (chef’s kiss)!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        “One More Minute” by Weird Al is great too. The Doo-wop guys behind him are just hilarious.

    6. Isabel Archer*

      Ooh, fun thread! I love the vid for Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me.” The dancing is just mesmerizing.

    8. The Dude Abides*

      Hellraiser – Motörhead
      Rock the Casbah – The Clash
      Enjoy the Silence – Depeche Mode
      Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz

    9. Geriatric Rocker*

      Everybody Wants to Rule the World, in Latin, by the_miracle_aligner

      Weird Al’s take on Happy- Tacky.

    10. allathian*

      I haven’t seen any recent videos, but old favorites include:
      Take On Me by A-ha (this seems to be a favorite)
      Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel (claymation by Aardwark Animations, the studio behind Wallace & Gromit and Shaun the Sheep)
      Money for Nothing by Dire Straits for the early computer animations
      Walk of Life by Dire Straits for the sports mishaps
      Vogue by Madonna for the cool moves and look
      Thriller by Michael Jackson, one of the first music videos that was a piece of art in its own right rather than just an ad for the music
      If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher, her sitting on the cannon is epic

    11. heckofabecca*

      Here It Goes Again is incredible!!! Truly a phenomenon. I also love:

      – Genghis Khan by Miike Snow
      – To-Do List | Game Changer Karaoke Animated (improv karaoke! animated!! will be most enjoyable if you are familiar with Dropout/Game Changer, since there are a bunch of easter eggs and cameos)
      – GUY.EXE by SUPERFRUIT
      – the Ghost series by Louie Zong (Ghost Duet, e.g.) (also animated)
      – special shout-out to my friend’s parody – “WAP – Well-Armed Peasants – THE VIDEO” by Elise Roth

      Today I realized that most of the music I watch in video format is “people playing music while being filmed” (i.e. Postmodern Jukebox), which is not the same category for me as “music video”!!

      1. Angstrom*

        Of the Postmodern Jukebox videos, I keep coming back to “Bad Romance ” for the tap. So much fun.
        Heart’s Kennedy Center performance of “Stairway to Heaven” is big in every way.

    12. Angstrom*

      Bonnie Raitt: Thing Called Love — flirting
      OK Go: Skyscrapers — clothing
      Paula Abdul: Straight Up — visually striking

    13. Invisible Barney*

      – “Take Me Out,” Franz Ferdinand
      – “Move Your Feet,” Junior Senior
      – “Rhythm Nation,” Janet Jackson
      – “She Bop,” Cyndi Lauper

    14. LBD*

      Otava Yo – A Cat Has Four Legs. Also Once Upon a High Hill, Ivan the Crayfish, The Street Cleaner, By the River, and more.
      The Dead South – In Hell I’ll Be in Good Company
      The Lounge Kittens – Poison
      sonsofmaxwell – United Breaks Guitars, and United Breaks Guitars Song 2
      Vince Vaccaro (feat St James Music Academy) – Brother
      Hey Ocean! – Sleepwalker
      Coeur de pirate – Ensemble
      Elton John – Tiny Dancer
      Macy Gray – Beauty In The World
      Dropkick Murphys – Rose Tattoo
      Paul Simon – You Can Call Me Al

    15. Evvy*

      Have a Nice Day by World Order has been my favorite music video in the world ever since I saw it!
      Red Wine Supernova by Chappell Roan

    16. Turtle Dove*

      Two recent favorites with their exact titles on YouTube:

      Louis Baker – R A I N B O W (Official Music Video)
      It feels intimate.

      Noah Kahan – Stick Season (Live on SNL)
      It helped me through a loss, and the musicians’ joy delights me.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      –We’re Not Going to Take It Anymore, Twisted Sister. Good for when you’re full of rage.
      –Don’t Stop Me Now (the official video on YouTube), Queen. Freddie Mercury and Brian May rocking out are so fun to watch.
      –Mickey, Toni Basil. Groovy song, cheerleaders, led by Basil herself (in her old high school cheerleading uniform).
      –Love Shack, B-52s. Weird, but great commitment.
      –White and Nerdy, Weird Al Yankovich. Hilarious parody of Riding Dirty that features Donny Osmond dancing his heart out. Donny did such an amazing job that there is also a video of his whole dance performance uncut.
      –All I Want for Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey singing live with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots on classroom instruments and some adorable kids singing backup. It warms my cold, dead heart.
      –It’s Raining Men, The Weather Girls. Lowest of low budgets for the video, but they are having such fun with it.
      –I Love the Night Life, Alicia Bridges. I had never seen a picture of her before, just loved the song from my youth. A few seconds into the video, I was like, OMG, she’s a lesbian?! Yay!!!

      1. RC*

        White and Nerdy also features (I think pre-super-famous? Certainly pre-Oscar nom) Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key.

      1. Angstrom*

        Oooh! The Muppets versions of “Hey Mr. Bassman” and “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. And the epic Viking “In The Navy”. :-)

    20. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I don’t think I’ve seen a music video in about twenty years, since I don’t tend to watch tv, let alone music television. Thus, my choices are from when I used to watch tv xD
      -> Weapon of Choice – Fatboy Slim
      (Christopher Walken dancing around a deserted hotel lobby)
      -> Virtual Insanity – Jamiroquai
      (just because at the time I had never seen anyone dance like Jay Kay does here)
      -> Upside Down & Inside Out – OK Go
      (shot in an aeroplane simulating periods of micro-gravity via parabolic flight)
      -> Right here, right now – Fatboy Slim
      (the entire timeline of human evolution in 3.5min)
      -> Chapel Song – We are Augustines
      (simple but I really like it; maybe made better by the song itself)

      2. Mie*

        Ooh! “Down To Earth” by Flight Facilities feat. Sam Rockwell dancing around a (almost) deserted diner (with a scene inspired by Christopher Walken). The song alone isn’t really my thing but something about watching Sam dance to it just has me mesmerised :)

      3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Watching Right Here, Right Now brought up Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers as the next suggested video. Good call for this question: game play with avatars of the band members was pretty fun to watch and fits so well with the lyrics.

    21. GoryDetails*

      I haven’t seen many recent music videos (and seldom listen to new music anyway – I listen to audiobooks instead of the radio when in the car), but I have favorites from the early days of music videos. I’ve seconded a few that were posted up-thread, and will add:

      “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler – very weird but I love it. (I also love the “literal video” version, where someone did a cover of the song substituting descriptions of what’s going on on the screen for the actual lyrics. There was a flurry of literal-video action some years back, and that was one of the best.)

      Meatloaf: “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” (that one’s a performance-video but I still love it) and “I Would Do Anything For Love”

      “I Drove All Night” by Roy Orbison (with Jason Priestley and Jennifer Connolly in the video)

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        When I was in college, and hitting the midnight Rocky Horror showing, they showed the Paradise concert film before the show, along with Tim Curry’s “Paradise Garage” and “I Do the Rock”.

      2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I’d totally forgotten the video for Total Eclipse of the Heart and watched it a few months ago. Have to say it totally creeped me out with the alien “bright eyes” business and then the highly inappropriate teacher/student bit at the end. The song’s lyrics don’t do anything to suggest the utter weirdness of the video.

    23. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      My all time favorite is Take on Me by A-Ha

      Honorable mention is White Knuckles by Ok Go (and the behind the scenes video on how they trained the dogs for the video)

    24. Hobbette*

      Paula Abdul, Forever Your Girl
      Herb Alpert, Puttin’ On The Ritz (mind-blowing choreography!)
      Weird Al, All About the Pentiums (way out of date but still funny), Amish Paradise, and White and Nerdy (kudos to Donny Osmond!)

      1. Jackalope*

        Fun trivia fact: Forever Your Girl was the on-camera debut of Elijah Woods, the actor who played Frodo in LOTR. When we were younger my sister and I used to wonder why the little boy in business clothes who was snapping his pencil and burying his head in his hands was upset. Now we know that he was thinking of the trip to Mordor.

    25. Blooper*

      The first title that came to mind was My Copycat by Orange Caramel because it’s basically a “spot the difference” and “Where’s Waldo” game in the music video!

      Other favourites:
      • Excuse Me by AOA
      • Intergalactic by Beastie Boys
      • Toxic by Britney Spears

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Ooh yes Toxic is probably my favorite Britney Spears song and the music video does it justice. I will add:

        – I believe in a thing called love by The Darkness (it’s so ridiculous)
        – When I Grow Up by Garbage (commentary on girls pop groups/expectations for women)
        – In Too Deep by Sum 41
        – Fell In Love with a Girl by White Stripes (Michel Gondry! Legos!)

    26. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Fatboy Slim – “Weapon of Choice”. Just watching Christopher Walken dancing on the walls and ceiling is amazing.

    29. Chaordic One*

      “Dancing on My Own” by Forte A Cappella. (Excellent arrangement and excellent vocals by the high school a cappella group, but it’s a train wreck of a video with too many things going on at the same time. Just a few of things by themselves would have been fine. The singers trying to sing (lip-sync?) and dance at the same time. The charming earnest expressions on their faces. The petite solo dancer in the middle of them. The setting. The costumes. The orange safety cones on the sidewalk outside as the lead singer walks past the windows.

    30. NB*

      OK GO has so many awesome videos! They are really creative and playful. Did you see Upside Down & Inside Out? They did that one in zero gravity. White Knuckle is done in one take–amazing considering their “guests” in the video. And finally, I Won’t Let You Down.

    1. Lemonwhirl*

      I had a couple of small habits I wanted to incorporate into my daily routine:
      – Doing daily pushups and adding one pushup each day. I do them first thing in the morning (and I remind myself by throwing a pillow on the floor when I’m waking up). Have managed to keep this resolution – did 32 pushups today. (They are from the knees, not full-body length.) I am already seeing the benefits, for example, it’s much easier to get out of the bath.
      – Daily balance exercises – balancing on each leg, eyes closed, arms crossed. I’ve not been successful in this one because I don’t like it and I haven’t figured out a way to measure progress. I might pick this one back up in March after I think about how to measure it.
      – Reading a bird card from Wingspan each day. (It’s a board game with amazing art and each card in the game has a drawing and lots of information about a bird.) We have all the expansions, so we probably have over 500 cards, and when the game is played, you might see 100 or 150 cards. So I wanted a way to bring a little joy into my life without buying something new, like a daily calendar. I have a google drive where I keep a list of the birds I’ve “collected” this way and have been successful at keeping this resolution.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m making myself do lunges almost every morning and they definitely test your balance, maybe try those?

      2. TechWorker*

        For your balance exercises – can you time it to measure progress? That’s what my physio did (same exercise, though I don’t think I had to cross my arms). There’s obviously variability but you could look at your average time each week, say.

        If your times are super short you could start with eyes open and/or not crossing arms – it might be that you need to build up a bit before going straight for the difficult balance exercise.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        For the balance, there’s a device called a wobble balance board (a disk you stand on, atop a hemisphere). Popular in physical therapy for ankle injuries. You can time how long you can stand on it with 2 legs, with 1 leg, eyes closed, etc.

        For the first, the daily aspect seems to be key with the seniors at the gym where I exercise–if you do X every day, then you continue to be able to do it as you age.

    2. Six Feldspar*

      I don’t make resolutions but for the last couple of years I’ve been picking a verb to focus on (eg diversify in 2023, destash in 2024). This year’s one is “simplify” because I want to make things easier for myself and it’s going well so far:
      – except for office days I’ve been doing what I call “analogue time” every morning when first thing I make a cup of tea and sit outside drinking it watching the garden
      – trying to shop week by week, one day a week, and meal prep for the week so I’m not constantly cooking
      – limiting myself to one op shop crawl day a month (so it’s an event and not just something I do whenever I’m bored)
      – shopping more intentionally in general and taking the time to find what I’m actually looking for instead of ten things that are close but not exactly it

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t because it is so strongly associated with abandoning the resolution by mid-January. So when I started lifting weights a year ago, I made sure I started in December. (I am still doing this, recommend it for overall health, and my spouse has started going with me.)

    4. Nola*

      My resolution last year was to majorly declutter my house. By far the hardest room was the kitchen. I had tons of stuff I definitely hadn’t used in more than a year. Things I had bought, hand me downs, things I picked up at Goodwill, etc. Everything from kitchen gadgets, serverware, specialty baking pans, cool drinking cups. Some I could part with fairly easily but there was still a (very large) boxes of things I really wanted to keep.

      So this year my resolution is to actually use those things!

      So far I’ve:

      I’ve made deviled eggs – and used the deviled egg server I bought at a yard sale two decades ago and but haven’t used in years.

      I made madelines – using the baking sheet I got on sale and probably only used once previously.

      Tomorrow I’m going to have a fancy solo tea party using a tea set my husband pulled out of his parents attic when they were cleaning up after his dad died.

      If something still doesn’t get used by the end of the year then I’ll get rid of it because I truly have no desire to use it.

    6. Blooper*

      I’ve been trying to find “fun” goals for the new year. In 2024 I wanted to try as many different pasta shapes as I could (idea taken from a Tumblr post). Discovered bucatini – I love it!

      This year, I made the goal to watch a Japanese show without English subtitles. It’s going well so far! I’m delighted to find that I can follow most of the conversations.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Check out ‘Anything’s Pastable’ cookbook /podcast (on the Sporkful). Lots of fun recipes to try with your different pasta shapes and some good suggestions of shapes to try. We had mafaldine for the first time last weekend and it was amazing!

      2. Derivative Poster*

        Google “New York magazine bucatini mystery.” Two articles worth reading even if you don’t love bucatini!

    7. LNLN*

      Not a resolution per se, but I did decide to read Don Quixote. I read 25 pages a day and because I look up words and make notes, it takes me about 90 minutes (I’m retired). I am almost halfway through the 940 page book and am enjoying it. It has been an excellent intellectual exercise. Next I plan to read The Count of Monte Cristo.

    8. I don’t post often*

      I wanted to focus on reading non-fiction. I set a realistic goal of reading 5 pages per week day and 10 pages per weekend day. I’ve stuck to it and finished 1.75 books. I often have time to read more, but the realistic goal of only 5 pages helps when I’m in an uninteresting part or thickly worded part of the book.

    9. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I tried to crash the system by making my resolution as follows:

      “I resolve to break all of my New Years Resolutions… including this one.”

      I love the Epimenides Paradox

      1. allathian*

        LOL

        The only NY resolution I’ve ever managed to keep for more than a month is the resolution not to make any NY resolutions. I did that about 15 years ago.

  20. goddessoftransitory*

    Combo reading/viewing question:

    What’s the oddest/most memorable reading rabbit hole you’ve gone down after watching a show/movie/documentary?

    Off the top of my head, mine would be reading The King in Yellow after watching season one of True Detective, and Nabokov’s Pale Fire after Bladerunner 2024. It can be watching a movie version of X and then checking out the source material or more esoteric paths!

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I saw the Dateline about the Betsy Faria case, then read Bone Deep, then watched The Thing About Pam, which brought me full circle. Highly recommend the book to get all the nuances

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Chernobyl. I was alive for this, and figured I remembered it, but man was there a ton of stuff going on around it.

      The mini-series is excellent and I recommend it.

    3. Ashley*

      Virgin River Season 1 and Sweet Magnolias. I can no longer watch new seasons of the show because of book variations but there are a lot of books associated with both series.

    4. allx*

      I am usually a “no, but I read the book” person when it comes to movies, so have usuallly read the book by the time a movie comes out. One time I remember where I did the reverse was seeing Melissa McCarthy in “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” -an excellent film about a writer who fakes letters from literary greats and then sells the frauds to rare works collectors/shops. I was fascinated by Lee Isreal so read her memoir of the same title.

    5. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I watched the first couple of seasons of The Crown, and was constantly checking real history to see how much license they took. (Spoiler: a lot.) I learned a bunch about the post-war dynamics, Elizabeth, and Winston. Really interesting to me: The King being “the Crown” and not a man and therefore not privy to his own medical information, which also helped me understand why many of them change their names to mark the shift. Elizabeth’s woefully inadequate education and preparation to hold her own, even superficially, with heads of state. And Churchill burning the portrait of himself because it made him look old and he was vain. (Having seen the studies, I’m kind of with Winnie. The artist wanted honesty but there’s honesty and there’s brutal honesty and none of us want the latter in a portrait.)

  21. Rara Avis*

    A question for the cat people of AAM: we have a cat who is absolutely terrified of being picked up. When we first got her two years ago (at the age of 9 months) she was so scared of the world that she was cuddly. But as she got braver, she got more independent. She will allow petting on her own terms, mainly coming to ask for affection when I’m sitting at the kitchen table. But any move in her direction (even just walking down the hall when she’s out and about) sends her scurrying for a hiding place. For a while I tried to pick her up occasionally when I had no nefarious purpose, but she hated it so much that now she only gets caught for flea treatments and nail trimmings. And that involves pulling her out from one of her hiding places, while she pees like a toad fending off a predator.

    All that for context. She has her annual vet visit tomorrow. Got a call from the office today asking if we wanted to come down today to get Gabapentin to calm her down for the appointment, because evidently the vet noted it in her chart last year. There’s no way I could have gotten to the office before it closed on a couple of hours’ notice on a work day. So they gave me a kind of snarky warning that if they can’t do what they need to do, we’ll have to reschedule the appointment and bring her back with the meds onboard.

    The thing is, she isn’t dangerous or bitey. Just terrified and squirmy, so her claws can be an issue when she clings for dear life. But isn’t that part of veterinary medicine, dealing with scared animals? And we’ve always helped hold her still on the examination table. The way I remember the conversation last year is that the vet mentioned Gabapentin as an option if we wanted to lessen her stress level, not because he and the vet techs couldn’t handle her.

    So I guess the question is, is the med no big deal and I should plan on doing it for future appointments? And if they ask me to pay for a second appointment, can I argue (without being an asshole client) that they should have given me the information with more lead time? This appointment was scheduled almost a month ago.

    1. WS*

      I have a cat who took three years to get used to being picked up and she’s still not fond of it. Gabapentin is not a big deal, makes it less traumatic for the cat (so she doesn’t fear the vet as much in future) and if it works, yes, do it again.

      The short notice is not great, though.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      There’s more attention now on trying to create a “fear free”veterinary experience for animals. (That’s the google-able phrase.) So giving “comfort medicines” is a thing now, whereas it just wasn’t when we were kids.

      They like gabapentin because it is less of an attractive nuisance for human addicts (who have been known to use their animal to get meds from the vet to use themselves, or sell). Also it’s relatively cheap and has a useful interval of effectiveness. And it’s not a scheduled drug like clonazepam or alprazolam, so it’s less paperwork and legal hassle to prescribe. And it seems helpful for a lot of cats.

      Scientist who study fear in animals have learned that giving a terrified animal a strong sedative (the historic approach if brute force wasn’t working) does make handling the animal easier for the humans, but leaves the animal to fully experience all the terror and panic. This is pretty awful for the animal, and also guarantees the traumatized animal will have an even worse experience next time, and be even harder to handle. So straight sedatives are no longer considered a very good plan.

      Gabapentin seems to work well for a lot of cats, according to friends who give it to their cats before vet and grooming appointments. However, I feel like it’s one of those meds where a dry run is wise. Ask for enough to give a dose to your cat on some weekend day when you will be at home to observe for the whole duration of its effect. (I plan to be home and observing with any new medication I give my dog, but not sure if this is in common awareness.) I know only one person whose cat had an atypical reaction and Gabapentin made him extra frantic instead of extra calm, but she was super happy to not discover that on the car ride to the vet appointment.

      tl/dr: It might be less about whether your vet can competently manhandle your cat and “get the job done,” and more about a belated realization that it’s a kind thing to try to reduce the medical trauma our pets are subjected to.

      (I Am Not A Vet but I have had a rescue dog with extreme fear of… everything… for over a decade now. I was lucky enough to be within driving distance of one of the small handful of behavioral vets in the US when I adopted my dog. I strongly believe in the value of medication for terrified animals.)

      1. Isabel Archer*

        How long are dog and cat memories, do we know? I’m wondering why a rescued pet would still be terrified of everything after 10 years — presumably, 10 years of love and kindess and nothing scary. That’s more than half the lifetime of an average critter. So why doesn’t their new. cared-for life become their default after six months or a year or so? I get that there are some truly ghastly humans out there, but do pets really not forget? No out of sight out of mind peace? My 3:00 a.m. brain is really curious. #beagoldfish

        1. WS*

          It’s like humans – things that happen in early childhood tend to leave a big mark on you, consciously or not, because when you have very few experiences, the ones you have help form your view on life. Like humans, animals can be helped to overcome this, but to what degree and how exactly is highly variable.

        2. Six Feldspar*

          I agree with WS, and I think it’s also a matter of exposure. I’ve seen a lot of advice the last few years about taking pets to the vet, in the car, etc when they’re young or new so they get used to the experience – but I don’t remember that when I was growing up and I’m not sure how widespread it is.

          So it’s definitely possible that you’d have a cat or dog that’s only been to the vet a few times in their life, and those times they were in pain/sick and/or terrified of the whole process. They haven’t had any opportunity to form other impressions! (Humans too… How many of us go to the emergency department when we’re feeling fine just to see how the whole thing works?)

        3. Crop Tiger*

          We rescued an abused cat once who was about a year old. It took him eight years to go up onto the furniture, ten to sit on someone’s lap, and was always terrified of men in boots until the day he died at 21. They remember. Not remembering could be bad.

        4. goddessoftransitory*

          Memory with animals tends to be much more hardwired, I think. It makes sense–they don’t want to keep trying those berries or cross that dangerous bog more than once, so even after years a certain taste, sight, smell or area can trigger the NOPE reflex.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Can only say Gaba did NOT work for my fear-reactive dog and I don’t think made him even much easier to handle. He recognized the feeling of being drugged and it made him angry.

        1. nonprofit manager*

          This happened with my cat and I tried one-half dose the next time. Seemed to work better- he did not exhibit feelings of being drugged and was a little easier to handle than normal.

      3. RC*

        Seconding a dry run if you’re going to use the gabapentin, just to know how they react (and whether e.g. a half-dose is good). It was suggested for us but ended up being more trouble than it’s worth, and they do end up acting pretty drugged. Of course, our Most Difficult cat now will.not. take a pill (to the extent that I had to take her back to the vet the day after her dental to get the extra-drugs for pain, because 3 pills over 3 days was just not going to work, so instead she got to trip balls for 3 days on the heavy stuff. Congrats, I guess? She also started out as completely scared of everything and everyone (and would use her muscles and points to gtfo) but over 12 years she’s made enormous strides on a lot of it (currently on my lap/legs). I’m dreading the day she needs more consistent at-home medical treatment though… our others both needed many pillings for various reasons in their last years. I don’t know what we’re going to do with that.

        Our second scaredy still has that knee-jerk flight/hide response (after 2 years now), but also loves my partner (only *I* will murder her and eat her bones if I walk in her general direction, I guess?) and will sit on him purring contently for hours as long as I, Evil Human, am nowhere near.

        For this particular instance, I kind of suspect it’s front-desk versus vet— hopefully it’ll be fine, but also it is what it is at this point. If it was an important enough thing to have that the appointment can’t proceed without it, it should have been flagged when you made the appointment.

        1. nonprofit manager*

          Does your cat eat wet food? I grind up pills or open capsules and mix them in the food. Works great for my cat.

        2. bay scamp*

          Hmm… our vet prescribes liquid gabapentin. Our animals have also usually been difficult to “pill.”

    3. strawberry lemonade*

      Vet techs are really used to handling animals, but drugs are an important tool that they use for cats. They need to stay safe dealing with scared unpredictable animal, and do stuff that requires her to be not squirming so much. It’s annoying that they were snarky and gave you short notice that it was a requirement.

      They can ask you to pay for a second appointment, if they can’t do what they need to do they’ll just have to.

    4. ronda*

      I would talk to the vet about it… including (mostly?) how they are communicating about it. If you dont get a satisfactory response try another vet. My sister has switched vets because the vet was not listening to her about the problems. she has now found one who listens and explains the things she is recommending.

      you might also find a vet who specializes in cats if you think that would help.

    5. tabloidtainted*

      It’s no big deal. My cat is very strong, which makes him difficult to manhandle, and easily stressed. He could be managed when he was younger, but now that he’s older it’s an extra strain on him. He just has less tolerance overall. Gabapentin helps take him from level 10 to level 5 and it wears off quickly.

    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Hopefully the issue for your vet was at the front desk and not from the practitioners. If the vet themself gives you attitude or refuses to see your cat without the medication, you might want to consider whether switching to a new practice is an option. You are correct in that handling a scared animal is part of the job, and owners shouldn’t be chastised – or charged! – for not being told about what the vet deemed necessary medication.
      We actually switched to a new vet clinic when the first one labeled our cat as vicious and refused to even do a checkup without fully sedating him (an extra $80 every visit). The thing is, his aggression was their fault, they took a sick cat with separation anxiety out of the room with his people, after hurting him trying to get a urine sample. It was an awful experience for him AND for us. And THEN they gave us a condescending attitude on the phone that was entirely uncalled for.
      The new vet was way better, and believed us when we said the best thing was to let him see us the entire time, he was scared and wiggly and noisy but didn’t try to hurt anyone. We also took him to the “vet day” at Petco to get his shots this year, it went super smoothly and they didn’t have a single problem.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, there’s a big range with vets. I get it, it’s a stressful occupation and you see the worst of the world – but I’m not going to pay eye-popping prices just so me and my pets can get yelled at and pushed around, as much as I sympathize. And once they label your pet a troublemaker sometimes that’s the end of the line.

      2. Rtypoi*

        We use gabapentin on our cat for all our vet visits now as it helps her calm down, not just for the visit but for the car ride over. It’s worked great, and although she doesn’t bite or get aggressive, she has arthritis in her back legs and will start kicking when they try to put an IV or give her a shot. I don’t think it’s fair to expect veterinary workers to be scratched up by cats if your cat is fussy.

    7. Roland*

      Two issues here – the short notice and snark aren’t good, and they shouldn’t turn you away without trying; and also, your cat will probably have a better experience if she is not at maximum stress. Yes, they are trained for it but some things you can’t do with a lot of squirming without like completely immobilizing the cat, which will just make her stress worse. And feeling stressed isn’t nice for her, why not try to take the edge off in the future?

    8. Rara Avis*

      Thanks for the advice! The appointment went fine, although she cried all the way there. I think it was a front desk issue. (The vet who wrote it in her chart has since retired.)

      We will look into Gabapentin for next year, although the question then becomes how do you medicate a cat who hates being caught …

      1. nonprofit manager*

        If your cat eats wet food, open the capsule and mix it in.

        Glad the appointment went well!

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        My old lady cat is on a variety of pills (including Gabapentin for vet visits). I crush them up with a pestle and mortar and coat them in Lick-e-Lix.

    9. ElastiGirl*

      We rescued an abandoned cat who was panicked by brooms for about 9 years, till the day she died. She remembered. She was also afraid of feet, but mostly got over that.

      And when the vet did an autopsy after she died, he commented, “Oh, and we found the bullet.” So clearly she had been abused far more than just being hit with brooms…

  22. Not your typical admin*

    We’ve had our first warm spell, so I’m planning for spring planting and looking for recommendations for plants that grow well in baskets. We have a wooden privacy fence all around our backyard and I’m thinking about attaching some baskets to add some decoration and color

    1. GoryDetails*

      This will vary depending on your zone and on the amount of sun your fence will get. Old standbys include geraniums, begonias, and petunias, among others. Fuschias are a bit weird-looking for my taste but the hummingbirds like them so I’ve gotten them some years. I do like a combination of dark red geraniums and white alyssum (which has a light honey-ish scent) or deep blue heliotrope (which has a kind of almond-extract “cherry pie” scent).

      Anything in a vivid red will pop more from a distance; if you’re going to be closer to the fence, more subtle options like those “antique” shades of petunias could be lovely.

      Oh, and there are lots of varieties of nasturtiums that might work, from the ones that stay small to the ones that will trail happily over the edge of the container.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Seconding all your suggestions. It really depends on your climate, but I am huge fan of nasturtiums. They come in so many colors and habits, plus you can put them on your salads and eat them! (a little peppery)

  23. a Windows 11 question*

    I’ve started using Windows 11 and this one thing is bugging me (really various things are bugging me about this OS but this one in particular…)

    There’s a colored strip partway across the top of MS folders and all the way across the top of Word documents. I’m assuming that this is a Microsoft design decision, not one made by the laptop maker. The problem is that the strip is the same color as the background that I selected for the home screen. I’m frequently trying to move a document or a folder using what I think is that top strip but no, my cursor is a bit further up and is on the background.

    Is there a way to change the color of that strip? Or does anyone know what it’s called so I can google this? So far my attempts have brought up answers that were not relevant.

    1. FanciestCat*

      Google “Microsoft change accent color”. I think that should get you what you’re looking for. Add on “Word” or “Excel” to find the settings for those applications, the Office apps accent settings are independent of the main accent setting.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yoy just reminded me I’m about to get upgraded to 11 at work, but it’s while I’ll be on medical leave. Another thing to hash out this week.

      The tech wants to reimage my whole PC. I have so many non-Windows apps (eg Adobe and its custom workspaces) that this makes me cringe. But I have more faith in her judgment than corporate just pushing a universal update…

      How did you go about it, or were you lucky enough to time it for a new PC?

      1. a Windows 11 question*

        A new PC which I bought, despite not wanting to move to Win11, because my old Win10 laptop was failing. I know it’s futile to resist MS’s newest bright idea as they change the OS over time, but I hate having to learn a new system and lose favorite old features every few years. If I didn’t find iOS to be incomprehensible (but I do), I would have abandoned Windows a long time ago.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          You know it was released 3 years ago, right? In software terms, Windows 11 is far from new at this point.

    3. Hypatia*

      Go to “settings” and look for “personalization” or try right-clicking on the background and select Personalize. Select “colors” to change accent color or color theme.

  24. Poppy Flower*

    Been really down in the dumps about the state of the world. I saw a post online about someone saying they don’t know how to go on when they’ve realized how little empathy humans have for each other. I’m normally someone who can pick myself up, find the bright side of a bad situation, hold onto hope in the worst of times. But that post has been weighing on my mind for days.

    I love to volunteer so I’m usually surrounded by people who are willingly spending their free time and overflowing with empathy. That puts me in a good mood. But then I go to my local grocery store where either an employee or another shopper is always there at the same time as me, because I can easily recognize a car with a huge sticker in the windshield that says “don’t touch my car, I have security cameras, I hate sharing the road with you all” only with a couple actual swear words. I can’t remember the last time I time I shopped that I didn’t see that car there.

    I’ve always tried to hold onto “the world is a good place with load spots of bad” but lately it feels like “the world is a bad place with few and far between spots of good”. How do you go on with life and find joy in things?

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I have a personal project this year to acknowledge and if possible praise a stranger every day, so far so good ! I have been focusing on women apparently over retirement age (like me) and mothers in general. For the older women I will say in passing for example what a fantastic coloured shirt they are wearing, or isn’t it great to be out having coffee, and for the mothers I will tell them what lovely parenting they are doing in some way.
      Recently I said to someone “What a fancy coat!” And she said “Look! It’s reversible! And you can put your hands in the pockets from either side!” We agreed this was very impressive.
      So that’s one low key way to notice other people and by acknowledging them maybe give their mood a little spark.

    2. Aphrodite*

      I refuse to succumb to that way of thinking and acting. And I find the more I practice it, the easier it becomes to hang onto it. I designed special thank you business-type cards that thanks people for doing their job and encourages them to remember that they are who they think they are. It brings so much joy to those who get them; it also brings me immense joy.

      There is a lot of meanness in the world and it seems to be getting more so. But those who want to dwell in it, l8ke the owner of the car you mentioned don’t bother me much any more. I just shrug and let them live their angry, bitter lives. I can and do ignore all the toxicity at the commnity college where I work because the postive thinking is becoming a bit like a duck’s feather, able to slough off so much of it.

      I subsscribe to two kind of positive things that always cheer and inform me: TUT The Universe and Becoming Minimalist.

      I find that in deterining what kind of life I wanted to have that I could control my own reactions so much better. What I cannot control or fix or help I ignore. I make my own corner of the world better. And I will tell you that I find it feels to good to not care where I cannot.

    3. LemonTaffy*

      I feel that way at times too. I try to limit my exposure to the bad stuff and purposefully increase my exposure to the good stuff. I do self-care. I am working on improving my social life. i’ve cut out people who aren’t good for me and I’ve set boundaries for my interactions with people who I need or want to interact with who aren’t very healthy (hello mom and dad)! I try to increase the good in the world when I can- I volunteer with a TNR organization for cats, I play in a community orchestra, I listen to my coworkers’ troubles without judgement, I donate to organizations whose work I believe in and who also can advocate for my concerns, and I leave positive comments only on socials. I call out injustices when i can. I practice letting go of controlling other people to make myself feel better and instead look inward to see what I can do for me. I find my community to know I’m not alone.

      Is this always 100% successful? No. It is a lot of the time though. But giving up in the ultimate defeat way is the worst way to approach this because that only guarantees more bad. If i’m here and you’re here and others are here who are empathic and feel compassion we make the world better, just by being in it and living.

      I think it was Ghandi who said, “be the change you want to see.”

      there’s a lot more I could say, but I hope that helps. thank you for being another beacon of light!

    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      Taking a break from the news helps me. They aren’t likely to report on the person who rescued a puppy, the friend who brought another friend dinner after surgery, the med student who’s studying late into the night so she can save lives, the teacher who encouraged a student, the neighbor who picks up trash on his daily walk. It does look grim out there sometimes. But most people are good, just going about their lives, loving each other. Even if they are misguided sometimes.
      When I turn on the tap, there is water. That means all the people at the waterworks are on the job. When I go to the store, there is food. And so on. Don’t lose heart! Think of all the lovely people on this message string.

      1. Derivative Poster*

        In case anyone reading this subscribes to the Washington Post, its Inspired Life section reports on exactly this kind of news. Sample headline from last week: An airport piano was filthy and out of tune. He fixed it during a layover.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        In the book Anathem there are people who live cloistered lives, only opening up to the wider world once per year, once per decade, or once per century. One task of those in more frequent contact with the world is to write summaries of what happened for the cloistered–what was important to know about this past decade or century, and what was churn? I’ve thought about that a lot recently.

        I’ve stepped way back from the news in part because being on blast with that firehose of outrage, stupidity, and disinformation is a good way to feel like you’re drowning, without actually being useful to you. You’re always reacting to the latest terrible thing. Right at this moment I think this is a deliberate tactic–my spouse told me about the Gulf of Mexico thing, and that is so dumb it’s practically wearing a hat that says “I am the distraction from the thing they don’t want you to talk about.” Try to step back so the churn isn’t dragging you under.

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        It’s true that reporting on positive matters is rare, but one source can be a handy lifeline: the Reddit sub called ‘Uplifting News.” A few posts per day that can tilt your perception towards a more hopeful & positive outlook.

    5. But what to call me?*

      Mostly I’ve settled on “the world is neither good nor bad, just a place with lots of potential for both.” I do what I can to nudge it toward the good while giving myself permission to enjoy the good in my own life, because me being miserable isn’t going to do a thing to help solve anyone’s problems. I don’t always succeed at that, but part of it is giving myself permission to be happy while problems still exist. It can seem almost irresponsible or disrespectful to do that, but it’s really not. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be upset about it, either. That’s a perfectly reasonable response to terrible things happening and to so many people showing the worse side of human nature all at once. It’s just that getting stuck there isn’t helpful, so therefore letting yourself set the problems aside sometimes and enjoy things isn’t failing to be helpful.

      And the world isn’t universally awful, any more than it’s universally good. Neither are people. Any statement about people being mostly good or mostly bad has a million counterexamples. Humans do have empathy and can sometimes behave very selflessly, but at the same time we’re bad at imagining what it’s like to be someone else, are easily convinced of things we don’t know much about by people we think are on our side, and are prone to retreating back to looking out only for our own short-term self-interest when we think something threatening (or just threatening to our egos) is going on. We are both. We can be nudged to behave one way or the other. Unfortunately, the nudges toward the bad side are going strong at the moment, but that doesn’t mean bad is all we are.

      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        The permission part is so hard! Frankly very little is good for me right now, but in the past when things were great for me but everyone else was flailing I felt guilty and like I couldn’t share my joy. At the time, advice I got from friends included that we have to enjoy the good to survive the bad, and also that hearing that something somewhere was good was actually helpful to them.

    6. Pickles*

      The perspective I use is that it was a close election there are people on both sides. I am trying to ignore what I can’t impact and do good work. I have a job serving people who are targets of the administration and we had several grants cut for 8 hours or whatever. The purpose of this is to scare woke people and titillate the trolls. It’s a theater project. Just keep working. Take care of yourself, watch the bachelor and eat ice cream, but then work out the next day and get in there to fight.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It’s a theater project. Just keep working.
        I think this is so true, and good to remember.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        And read up on the federal judges having NONE OF IT and promptly freezing the orders. It really did my heart good to see two different judges flip that spending freeze on its butt.

    7. tangerineRose*

      Sometimes the bad, mean people are a lot louder, and the news tends to report all of that stuff. Try focusing on the good things. So many firefighters came to help with the L.A. fire. People helping each other in small ways. Animal rescues.

      1. IT Manager*

        Especially inspiring – Mexico (who we are currently demonizing, deporting/jailing their citizens, and threatening with tariffs) sent firefighters!!!

        All the first responders and firefighters who rush to tragedies…There’s a good dose of inspiration for you :-)

        1. WellRed*

          I spoke with someone in Calabasas. He said despite all the political squabbling, the actual people are pulling together and helping each other. I think that’s true of most human beings, we want to help. But as another comment said, the helpers aren’t the loudest. And that’s OK.

    8. AnonRN*

      Until I started my current occupation (see username), I thought I was a reasonably well-rounded person who knew a good bit about the world and was pretty open-minded and accepting. I worked in the arts and had an arts-related degree. I had read a lot about the world and been exposed to really very little of it. In my current role I’ve met more types of people than I’d ever considered before. (Political, religious, family constellation, occupation, wealth/poverty, incarcerated, health status, education, language, etc…) Now my takeaway is just “wow, the human experience is vast.” And most people have a reason they are the way they are (a reason that makes sense to them at least). It’s so much more grey than it is black and white. So on my good days I try to just marvel at the breadth of the experience.

      On other days, sometimes the best I can do is think “I get to go home in X hours, but this person has to live with themself all the time!…which might be my answer to the misanthropic shopper.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        We have a couple customers like that–they literally seem to live only to complain. We have mini-novels of records of their endless bitching, and many of them live in big houses in very wealthy parts of town. If anybody wonders whether seven bedrooms and five and half baths will solve all their problems, I can testify that it won’t.

    9. Silent E*

      Thank you so much for asking for advice for this here. I am having similar feelings lately and others around me are, too, and I’m finding the replies to be helpful.

    10. Evvy*

      I’ve had the same experience where every time I go to the grocery store I see the same car there! But my car (well, not “my car”) is a little black sedan plastered with anime boy stickers and a sticker on the back window that says “bestie please let me merge” in a gooby font — seeing it always makes me laugh. Sorry to hear about your car (well, not “your car”…) ! That does sound like a bummer.. For me what helps the most with that “oh god the world” feeling is having phone calls with individual friends. Whether we talk about our shared frustrations together or I just get to hear about a day to day life that is not my own, the great hearts of my friends reassure me about the general state of humanity. I think I understand what the Reddit post you mentioned was trying to say — but one of the things that exacerbates lack of empathy is someone’s distance and detachment from the consequences of their actions towards people they don’t know and don’t have any contact with. I tend to think humans naturally care about one another and want each other to be happy, and that belief is reinforced for me when I interact with basically any of the people in my life I’m close to.. It does hurt when something systemic is inflicted on me by an emergent perfect storm of strangers’ actions. But I try to remind myself how different that situation is.

    11. Slinky*

      Oh boy, it’s hard, especially in times like these. For me, the arts (music, literature, galleries, etc.) and nature always help. Bonus if you can cut yourself off from the news and enjoy them for a while. Being in community with like-minded people is also essential. A little over a week ago, at the end of a truly terrible week, I went to see a drag show. I think the entire queer community in a 100 mile radius turned out. It was exactly the kind of love and togetherness we all needed at a very dark time. Also, journaling. Write down the terrible things so you don’t have to keep them in your head, and also keep a running list of everything wonderful that happened. It can be good to look back at it from time to time just to remember that there are a lot of wonderful things still.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Focusing on local actors who are trying to make the world a better place. Which you are doing, but unfortunately that car seems to have managed to always plop into your awareness. All those real people you interact with are a better data set than one angry car.

      One thing I remind myself of is that there has never been a golden age that was actually golden even for all the local people at that time, much less the whole planet. That’s just not reasonable to state as a goal and then give up because it won’t work–improvement has always been from a local nexus that spread out, and didn’t fix everything for everyone immediately.

      Basically there have always been terrible things, and yet everything good or beautiful that we have created was built while the terrible things were true and ongoing. Everyone who accomplished things before you–the civil rights movement, for example–was going in to fight for the right thing against a host of people who insisted that only the ugliness was allowable. There was no golden age.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        This is so, so helpful: “Basically there have always been terrible things, and yet everything good or beautiful that we have created was built while the terrible things were true and ongoing. Everyone who accomplished things before you–the civil rights movement, for example–was going in to fight for the right thing against a host of people who insisted that only the ugliness was allowable. There was no golden age.”

        What’s good and beautiful that’s being created right now? So much, truly.

    13. Sloanicota*

      If this specific car is bothering you and putting a damper on your joy, can you decorate your own car in some way that expresses belief in the goodness of the world? Then every time you are at the store looking at that car, think about your own bumper sticker or whatever you chose, and let it buoy you up.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I think this is a good idea. Some other strategies for this specific car:

        – If it’s always parked in the same area of the parking lot, can you park far away from there so you’re less likely to see the car? Or avoid looking at the area where it’s parked so you don’t have to see the bumper sticker?

        – Sometimes a mental re-frame can be helpful. Instead of thinking “wow the world is full of bad people and this is one of them,” can you cultivate some sympathy for this person? “Wow, this person must have had some bad experiences on the road to make them so angry/mistrustful. I hope they find happiness in their life.” Maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt in your own head will help you feel like this car/bumper sticker is a person reacting (negatively) to some spots of bad they have come across in their own life, and not an indication that the world is full of badness as default.

      2. IT Manager*

        And then park your newly-decorated car right next to That Car. Passive aggressive parking FTW :-)

        This is a no-politics thread so I won’t describe what bumper stickers I still have, but I get grateful comments from other citizens in the regular these days. And I do angle to park near That Car when I can!!!

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      When we look historically at people whom we admire–people who built, people who helped, people who made a difference for those around them, or for future generations–they were doing that in the face of all that bad and pain and anger and rage. Some of them were living under really terrible regimes–sometimes brought in with popular support of the people around them–and they made themselves a nexus of future hope and positive change.

    15. Peregrine*

      I think the only real answer is to be actively part of the solution, to be a real helper for people most in need. I think trying to avoid bad news or seeing it as a “show” is ignoring the real people who are going to die, be deported, have their rights taken away, etc. Think of what you’re doing, and ask how those actions would be perceived by us today if you’d been doing them during the Holocaust, or Apartheid, or Jim Crow America. Do your ways of thinking and acting make proportional sense? What more can you do or give that helps real people?

      1. Tea Monk*

        That’s a good point. People talk about ” the news” as if we’re spiraling about some reality tv show instead of dealing with impacts on our communities and selves.

        I’m going to take a picture of one good thing a day and hope that helps and try to keep hydrated and exercise to help my mood symptoms. My job may become impossible to do and I don’t want to talk about what if it becomes unpopular to hire black people for decent jobs…

    16. SMP*

      Remember that this is what they want. They want us to feel demoralized and defeated. Refusing to give in to that is an act of resistance.

      I work at a children’s hospital so I get a lot of joy from the lovely little people I see all day. I also have cut back on social media and that has helped enormously.

      I saw a post from someone that talked about connecting with people and building community as a way to fight those feelings and I think that’s so true. Your volunteer community is one that can help but maybe there are other communities that could help.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Connecting with people and building community.
        I agree that this is the key part. It was true for the people building good things 80 years ago, 60 years ago, and so on.

    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      I went down an enormous history rabbit hole last year and it made me realize that people have been both breathtakingly cruel and amazingly kind forever. I wish I could get some of the bad stuff out of my head now, but it really gave me so much perspective.

      1. chocolate muffins*

        Were there things that you read that especially stood out to you or that you would particularly recommend? Especially for the “amazingly kind” part?

    18. Childless*

      News media focuses on negative stories more than positive stories because the latter gets more views, so if you’re looking at any news you’re basically looking at the worst stuff that’s happening in the world. When I find myself doom scrolling too much, I try to switch over to scrolling though happy subReddits like:
      r/wholesome
      r/MadeMeSmile
      r/aww
      r/cuteanimals
      r/UpliftingNews
      r/EyeBleach

    19. Teal Tshirt*

      My efforts:
      1) Subscribe to The Onion, now also available in print (keeps me off my phone).
      2) No violence for fun, i.e. no mysteries, action movies, serial killer documentaries. Interestingly, this often leads to non-US entertainment, music, and doing things I wouldn’t otherwise.
      3) No daily news, only analyses and e.g. interviews providing facts, ackhround and context. I’m sure cutting out all the Wah Wah This Happened clicks has saved my sanity.
      4) I will add Tea Monk’s suggestion of a daily positive photo op (“Kodak Moment!”) to stay aware of the good/beautiful.

      1. Rtypoi*

        These are my tips also except for the onion, which I read only occasionally but I do all these things and it really helps.

    20. chocolate muffins*

      I read a Chinese story about a man whose horse ran away and everyone was mourning with him because this is such a terrible thing to have happen. Then the horse came back and everyone was celebrating because how amazing is that? Then the man who owned the horse rode on it, fell off and broke his leg and everyone mourned with him. Then he didn’t get conscripted into the army because his leg was broken and everyone celebrated with him.

      I might be getting the details wrong but the point is, we have no idea what the consequences of anything will be when that thing is happening. Things can seem terrible but lead to something good, which there’s plenty of evidence for historically (e.g., tyranny can eventually lead to greater democracy than was in place previously in part because people get some first-hand experience with what tyranny does and decide they don’t want that and that it matters enough to fight). Also things are cyclical, which I think is true in the span of an individual life and also over historical time. Things are hard, things get better, things get hard again, things get better again. What is now won’t be forever.

      One more thought along these lines is that it helps me to think that others have been where I am now, and others will be here again in the future. What I’m saying is kind of anathema to historians because nothing in history is identical to anything else in history, but to my layperson view it seems close enough. Like, people have resisted oppression before, and I feel connected to them and their efforts – that strengthens me. And people will resist oppression again, so I try to leave things for them to get strength from, even though they will be fighting different forms of oppression in a different historical time period and I won’t be here for it.

    21. Seashell*

      Two other reading recommendations:

      NPR’s Unsung Hero series, which is about someone who helped someone else without getting credit or maybe without even knowing how much they helped.

      NY Times Metropolitan Diary, which is the New York section every Sunday. It’s just little anecdotes about life – sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes sweet.

    22. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I loved reading the replies you got to this. A few thoughts:

      – I start every morning reading some poetry and visiting grateful.org to answer the QOTD. There’s a warm, genuine community there and the questions always prompt me to think of things from a perspective that gives me hope and energy.

      – Every morning in my journal I make a space for a list headed “Today’s delights” (inspired by Ross Gay’s “The Book of Delights”, and I just finished reading “The Book of (More) Delights”. If I don’t make the list I don’t notice the small delights in the day. By holding space for delights (or could be joys, or beauty, or kindness, or whatever you especially want to notice) I find what I’m looking for. Could be strong, hot coffee, the yeasty smells when I bike past the bakery in my neighborhood, the light snow I woke up to this morning, something that makes me laugh until I cry.

      – For the person with the sour bumper sticker I’d likely make up a back story. This person has had more than one vehicle stolen and has been in a crash caused by another driver. They don’t have much money and it’s been tough every time to get back on the road. They’re sick of dealing with the world’s s*** that shows up in traffic and they’re letting it show. All feelings I could understand (and why I prefer to bike, walk or take transit!). They’re also very afraid, which makes me feel sorry for them.

      Then I’d look around and notice all the cars that don’t have this on their window. I’d look for the funny, cheerful, wry or just plain weird bumper stickers. I’d start looking for repeats of those, or themes across several vehicles. Is the one with the statement about how they didn’t rescue the dog, the dog rescued them there when you are? The one with all the stickers that tell you they like to snowboard or hike or climb mountains or eat vegan? I’d bet the sourpatch car is far outnumbered by people telling you about something they like rather than something they dislike. Notice them. Train your eye to seek them out. As Mr. Rogers said, notice the helpers.

  25. Anonymous Cat*

    I turned on Windows Spotlight on my computer and now get a new background photo every day. Sometimes I get one that’s especially cool and I’d like to keep it up for a few days.

    Is there a way to save them? I tried looking for an answer but all the help is about changing the background photo instead of keeping it.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve been wondering the same thing about Windows’ lock screens. Some have tempted me to want them as my background screen even.

    3. office hobbit*

      Yes! They’re saved here:
      C:\Users\[username]\AppData\Local\Packages\Microsoft.Windows.ContentDeliveryManager_cw5n1h2txyewy\LocalState\Assets

      Open File Explorer and navigate to that folder. You will need to change your view settings to show hidden folders. After you’ve gotten there, you can pin the folder to quick access so you don’t need to remember the whole path.

      There will be about 2-3 days’ worth of images saved there. They cycle off after that, so if you see an image you like, best to grab it soon. Sometimes they cycle off faster.

      The images in that folder don’t have an image extension, so you won’t be able to open them yet. Copy all the files and paste them to a different folder on your machine (can be one you make just for this). Then rename each file to add .jpg to the end. (After renaming one you can tab to get to the next one to make it go faster.) It will give you a warning message about changing file extensions, but just click ok.

      Then you can look at the images and save out the ones you like!

      There are some scripts to automate this, but I’ve never tried them. The process is pretty straightforward once you’ve done it a few times.

      Caveat that I last did this on Windows 10, so I’m not completely sure it’s the same in Windows 11.

  26. WoodswomanWrites*

    For any knowledgeable users of the Firefox browser, mine is doing the weirdest thing with videos on YouTube or Instagram. It turns everything into tiny multicolored pixelated squares, mostly bright green, while the sound continues. It also freezes my screen. I don’t have this problem in other browsers.

    I consider myself good at creating searches that will find the answer to things like this online but for the life of me when I try to search for a solution, everything that pops up has nothing to do with my particular problem. Any suggestions for keywords or sources to go to sort this out?

    3. TechWorker*

      Try asking ChatGPT or similar – I’ve found them to be much better than a search engine at finding answer to niche technical questions & if their first answer doesn’t make sense you can clarify (‘no I didn’t mean x, I meant y’)

      1. theinone*

        GPT-like AI’s are also really good at hallucinating information and being very convincing that it’s true (just ask it to cite academic sources!) so maybe take any AI answers with a grain of salt

        1. FanciestCat*

          Yeah, I work in IT and I’ve already seen a few coworkers burned by this. Chat GPT made up features or instructions.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks all. I posted to the Mozilla Firefox forums with a screenshot. We’ll see if I get a reply. I’ll see if I can find a live human if that doesn’t work.

  27. WoodswomanWrites*

    This is too long for the joys thread, so I’m posting about a happy ending separately.

    Years ago, I asked here about how to stay in touch with two middle school aged boys I’d known since they were born when their parents’ marriage blew up in a terrible fashion. My friendships with the adults went kablooey, because I lost respect for the dad through his behavior toward his wife, and his wife identified me as her ex’s friend first and wanted nothing to do with me. I kept an ear on news about the kids’ lives which went sideways too with dangerous drugs, depression, basically an overall mess.

    The dad has gotten his life together since then. We cross paths sometimes and I’d heard from him that his kids had turned things around also. This week the dad and I were both at an event and and his oldest son attended later. When the son, now 20, showed up he saw me and gave me a huge hug, told me how much he’d appreciated my friendship as a kid, and invited me to stop by for dinner if I’ll be in the area where he lives a few hours away. He’s bright, healthy, and thriving and shared equally good news about his younger brother who just started college.

    Dad took photos of the two of us together. How I’d missed and worried about this young man who was 14 last time I’d seen him! I’m so touched that we’ve reconnected.

    I’m in such a sweet mind frame now that I’d love hear about comparable experiences. Anyone else have stories about kids who aren’t relatives that you reconnected with positively as adults years later?

    1. Not That Jane*

      I’m about to do a virtual hangout with one of my former students who just got married (to another former student!) and is applying to grad school :)

    2. Cher Horowitz*

      I do not have a story to share but wanted to thank you for sharing yours. It has brought tears to my eyes and warm feelings to my heart.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so happy for you (and the kids)! It’s such a blessing to see kids you were worried about turn out to have happy, good lives.

    4. Don’t make me come over there*

      I’m the kid in this situation: 20+ years ago, before smartphones and Google Translate, I was working for a big company, staffing a big international trade show. The company had hired translators to help us, but at one point they were all busy and a couple of Algerian customers had some questions. Between their very basic English and my very basic French, I was able to get them the appropriate brochures and the contact information for a more useful person. When I got home, I managed to dig up my high school French teacher’s email address and sent her a note to let her know that I retained at least some of what she taught me! We’re still in touch and we’ve been able to meet up in person a few times, as she lives just a couple hours away from the brother whom I usually visit at Thanksgiving.

      2. Observer*

        When I got home, I managed to dig up my high school French teacher’s email address and sent her a note to let her know that I retained at least some of what she taught me!

        That’s the nicest part of the whole story. I’m sure that this absolutely lit up her day, and probably much more than that.

        On behalf of all the teachers I know, thanks for doing that.

    5. Chaordic One*

      While I don’t have a directly comparable story, I was childhood friends with the children from a family who lived across the street from us when growing up. They were a bit of an odd family (and, for reasons, some people did look down on them), but now that I’ve grown up I sometimes think back to all of the times they invited me into their home for meals and took me along on short trips to places like the zoo, or on a picnic in a park in the woods near where we lived, or to a nearby lake to go fishing. They were just very decent, salt of the earth people. The parents and older children have all passed, but the 2 youngest children who are near my age are still living and I do hope to reconnect with them. I have a class reunion coming up and I’m hoping see one of them there.

  28. WoodswomanWrites*

    Here’s a twist on the usual wildlife thread. What YouTube wildlife webcams do you like to watch?(I know about the many offered through the Explore channel.) I find them so relaxing no matter what else is going on.

    Here are favorites I check regularly, with links in a reply.

    Cornell has a partnership with the New Zealand Department of Conservation that follows the extended nesting season of a pair of royal albatrosses, enormous gentle birds. The biologists who check on their single nestling periodically are always so kind. I like to watch a watering hole in Namibia. And I follow a pair of nesting bald eagles in California.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Yes, I was going to mention the Big Bear eagle couple, Jackie and Shadow, who produced two eggs in the last couple of weeks. Watching the live-cam is just fascinating.

    2. allathian*

      Cool! Last nesting season I followed a pair of nesting ospreys.

      I’m also wondering how Wisdom, the 74 year old Laysan albatross that laid an egg in December 2024, is doing. I think it’s cool that scientists have been tracking this bird since the Eisenhower administration!

    4. Reba*

      It’s not a fixed wildlife cam but Friends of the floof on Instagram. Bush stone curlews nesting in a urban area in Australia. The photographer makes a lot of efforts to make their road crossings safer.

    5. Time for Tea*

      Robert E Fuller is an artist and wildlife person based in Yorkshire, England and has lots of camera feeds on his YouTube channel.

      Several UK locations have cameras on peregrine nests in the spring.

      BBC Springwatch (and its other seasonal outputs) have lots of camera feeds available to watch at the location they are filming from during the weeks they are on air.

    7. RC*

      The Berkeley peregrine falcon webcams https://calfalcons.berkeley.edu/webcams/ Not breeding season yet (another couple of months I think) but I started watching in 2020, because 2020. They have had Some. Drama. over the past several years (their FAQ can be a bit confusing since Annie has had four male mates since then, after first having several consistent years with Grinnell who was then killed by a car in the middle of the 2022 egg laying, which in normal circumstances would have resulted in Annie abandoning the nest, if New Guy Alden hadn’t shown up at just the right time to save the day— there were articles written about all of it).

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Oh, I forgot about that one. Thanks for the reminder.

        Raptors have a tough life. I read somewhere that less than half make it to their first birthday.

  29. The Prettiest Curse*

    Have you encountered any lookalikes of famous people? And how did you react? This week, I encountered someone who was a dead ringer (including height and accent) for a recent UK prime minister of whom I’m not a fan. This was a touch disconcerting until it became obvious that (fortunately) they didn’t have similar personalities.
    Tell me about your lookalike encounters!

    1. sagewhiz*

      A few years ago at the grocery checkout line was a couple ahead of me, and I had to stop myself from asking, “Are you Jon Stewart?” The man was shorter than I’d expected, the wife and I exchanged a few words before they left.

      To this day I still wonder, as a national event was being held that weekend and I knew Stewart was connected to it (can’t remember how or what it was). But I figured it had to be a look-alike, as why in the world would they be shopping at a local Publix instead of hitting restaurants?

    2. CaptainJack*

      A good friend is a dead ringer for John Barrowman. Seriously, I’ve seen a picture of the two of them together at a con and can’t tell them apart.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      An acquaintance looks remarkably like Mick Jagger. He’s also a professional singer with a lot of experience on stage, so he knows how to adopt a fake persona. He told me this story.

      Many years ago in a record store, someone approached him and mentioned that he looked like Mick Jagger. Without missing a beat he lowered his voice, adopted a fake English accent, and told the person who asked to keep it down because he was trying to be incognito. I imagine that to this day there’s a guy telling the story of the time he met a famous rock musician in a local record store.

    4. AnonAnon*

      During the whole Patty Hearst thing in 1974, I looked JUST like her. It was awful. I was 14 and so shy anyway, this made it a million times worse!
      I’ve since outgrown it and look pretty different now.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Ugh, it would have been bad just looking like an actor or singer–that horror show must have been hell to have heaped on your shoulders at 14!

    5. ReallyBadPerson*

      My middle brother is a dead ringer for a certain actor. People constantly badger him for autographs when they think they’ve spotted the real guy. So once, in an airport, while my brother was still drinking (he’s sober now, and would no longer do what I’m about to relate), a woman wouldn’t take no for an answer, so my brother just signed actor dude’s name on the notebook she was holding out.

      1. sagewhiz*

        For years my brother was a dead ringer for the actor Sam Elliott. So much so that friends who’d see pics of him would make that remark. He never tired of being mistaken.

        My sis-in-law was an elementary school teacher and for special events days he’d dress in *country wear* and his Stetson, stroll into the school, and declare “There’s a new sheriff in town.” The kids and teachers always got a kick out of it.

    6. Chaordic One*

      When my grandmother was still living people would come up to her and tell her that she looked just like Wallis Simpson, the Duchess of Windsor. This happened before I was born and when I was a kid. My grandmother and Wallis were the same age, my grandmother being a couple of months older and passing away a couple of years after Wallis. Grandmother was a second-generation American of Irish descent and, though born in the U.S., she spoke with something of an Irish lilt. Her role model seemed to be Rose Kennedy and she had lace-curtain aspirations, a bit like an Irish-American Hyacinth Bucket. No fan of the royal family, her reaction when people compared her to Wallis varied. Sometimes she was mildly amused and would just sort of roll her eyes. Other times she was a bit annoyed, but would try to be polite and change the conversation.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I once knew a guy slightly who in profile was an absolute dead ringer for Tom Cruise. But full face, he didn’t look like Cruise at all. It was quite disconcerting!

    8. Harlowe*

      As a teen I apparently looked like a soap opera character who was killed off in a gruesome fashion. Back then we only had cable, so the only people who watched daytime soaps were retired folks or SAHMs. It was morbidly hilarious because I’d get fussy older ladies gushing about how I looked just like “that poor dead girl.” Unfortunately the name of the actress has been lost to my aged memory.

    9. Fickle Pickle*

      A friend’s dad is a dead ringer for Tim Conway from the Carol Burnett show. He had people ask for autographs and sometimes wouldn’t believe he wasn’t him.

    10. Tiny Clay Insects*

      The dad of a classmate of mine looked just like Chris Elliott. Groundhog Day was filmed near my town, and the man got to be Chris Elliott’s stand in!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        A flight attendant on a route I sometimes had to take was the spitting image of Barack Obama.

        And for UK readers, a former teacher looked like Michael Fish, the TV weatherman.

  30. Bobina*

    What is your minor (minor!) disappointment of the week?

    I prefer the Soundcloud app for music as I had it before Spotify was a thing. A few years and mobile phones ago, I discovered that even though I was on the free version, if I didnt update the app when it wanted, after a while – I stopped getting ads. Brilliant, I could have all my music and listen to it for as long as I wanted with no interruptions. Living the dream with my app version from 2021.

    Until yesterday. I guess someone finally fixed whatever bug it was – and alas, there I was happily listening to (rediscovered) Florence and the Machine when suddenly I hear an ad for the AA. Nooooooooooooo. Guess it will be back to the iPod for me then!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I took my dog to daycare for noisy day of shower repair… and it got delayed.
      It also rained like animals coming 2×2 so although he’s happy, he desperately needs grooming to prevent mats.

      1. Sloanicota*

        For a while there I was on quite a kick where *everytime* I took my dog to the groomer for his expensive bath and brushout, we had a rain or mud incident immediately afterwards. Even though I was always careful to check the forecast!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      While I disabled all the AI sharing on Word, it still has that damn little icon “Hello, I am the AI assistant! It looks like you’re eating a sandwich! You can use AI to help you eat that sandwich–I am definitely a useful tool!”

      Nobody puts Clippy in a corner. Apparently.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ugh this is me and google Gemini. I have tried to delete it. My boss has tried to delete it from our platform. Yet without fail: “I could write your email for you!” ?!? I don’t want a robot to write my emails! Who would want that??

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I had to wait some time to turn left over the railroad tracks, because the train pulled into the adjacent station.

      The train departed, I was able to turn left, and I discovered: road shut down just ahead. I would have gone straight rather than left had I realized. So I maneuver myself along, cross the major road, and intend to then turn left onto a small cross road to hit my usual way home.

      The small cross road was also closed off. No apparent reason, and it’s too far from the first road to be related.

      I did eventually make it home, but for quite a while there felt like I was in a heist movie where they need to continuously stall me so they can steal the macguffin.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Taking my old car to the shop with some kind of electrical problem. I have been there four times this week and last, and on the way home the last time with new battery, new positive terminal, and new alternator, the check electrical system light went on AGAIN! They gave me a loaner car, which is great, but I am tired of repairs taking a million trips until we figure things out.

    5. House Hunter*

      I’m going to have to move and I took time off from work to look at what turned out to be close to the perfect new place to live, a comparatively small and slightly odd 3-bedroom townhouse with a double garage, a bit larger than I needed and at the top of my budget. I could just imagine setting up an office and my desk in the room in front of the garage. Anyway, my application was rejected for not enough income. They want someone whose monthly takehome pay is 2 and a half times what the monthly rent would be. My takehome pay is only twice what the rent would be. I wistfully drove by the house yesterday after work, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

      1. House Hunter*

        Dream house number one must have found a tenant with a higher income than me because it’s been taken off of the rental websites. I found a second house that seems promising but there are some red flags. The advertised amount of rent went up by $100.00 a month on various rental websites. Big red flag is reviews on the local BBB website showing negative reviews from both former tenants (failure to refund deposits) and property owners who hired the company to manage their properties. It is just that there is so little good to pick from, especially if you want a garage. I am afraid I might have to deal with them anyway.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Shudder and other shows suddenly moving from Prime proper to AMC+ and having to pay another fee!

    7. Six Feldspar*

      1. Went swimming after work and forgot that the big 50m pool closes early on Wednesdays, so we all got bounced to the little 25m pool to swim laps, and for the first time in ages I smacked my head on the end of the pool because there were no dive boards at the end to clue me in
      2. Water heater has had its power tripped twice in a week so I’ve had to turn it off and on again (it’s the middle of summer so no biggie but I don’t realise until the water starts coming out of the taps lukewarm…
      3. Dropped a whole bunch of stuff at the tip yesterday and realised I forgot something when I got home, so I’ll have to plan another trip there

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Take mine! It snowed last night and today on top of all the dirty snow that didn’t melt from last time. And Sunday night, guess what’s coming? More snow.

        At least we’re having a winter this year, lol.

    9. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I had a list of 10 colors I wanted to see paint cards/chips for, but when I went to the paint store it turns out only 3 of those are available as cards. The others still exist as formulas, but no cards are being made anymore. So the only way I can see them is to order a bunch of sample pots.

    10. chocolate muffins*

      I got to the train station a minute after my train left and needed to wait for the next one. I commute via train on a regular basis and this is a somewhat regular occurance – luckily the trains are not particularly infrequent (so I don’t try to get to the station for a specific one, I just get there whenever and take whichever train is coming next), but it is especially annoying to see a train that I could have been on pull out of the station, especially when it is cold outside.

    11. dapfloodle*

      My significant other and I wanted to go to a restaurant/music venue that’s a bit out of town, that we visited almost a year ago just due to happenstance (the restaurant we ate at was not as good as expected, so we wandered across the street for dessert instead of staying at the other place as originally planned). We looked at the menu ahead of time this time, and planned to hang out there a good long while enjoying food and drinks. Got there at 5:30pm on Saturday only to be told there was an hour and a half wait (the last time was also on a Saturday and we’d walked right in and the place was only half full). So we had to scramble to find a different restaurant nearby to have a nice evening at.

  31. Prawo Jazdy*

    There are a bunch of writers of the late 1800s-mid 1900s, who are often referenced as being very important (T.S. Eliot, Henry James, Marcel Proust, Ezra Pound, George Elliott, Gertrude Stein, E.M. Forster, etc.) but I can’t tell what their “hook” would be to interest a reader today and it seems like a daunting task. Are any of them worth the effort?

    1. Alice*

      TBH the only one of them that I enjoyed was Proust. Your taste may be different though. But what I suggest – give yourself a while experience. Put on some music by Reynaldo Hahn (Proust’s lover and friend). Treat yourself to some French food or poetry when you want a break. Relax and have fun with the ambience, not just reading for the plot.
      And if you don’t like it, well, you gave it a shot :)

    2. Blue wall*

      Tell me more about what you mean.

      For me, the joy of fiction is being enveloped in the world of the story and the character’s view of the world. The writers you cite do that excellently.

      1. Prawo Jazdy*

        Well those writers exist in that weird cultural space where they are often name-dropped, but it’s rare to meet someone who is personally familiar with their work (I’d add Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Graham Greene to the list as well)… so I really have no idea if their work has aged well or is even relatable to a modern audience. Sounds like you’re giving them a healthy thumbs-up?

        1. Buni*

          The hook for Evelyn Waugh is he’s frickin’ hilarious – I had to stop reading him on public transport because my snorting was drawing attention…

          1. Chaordic One*

            I know that the old 1965 black and white movie, “The Loved One,” was loosely based on his novel of the same title. It was a hilarious movie that has held up pretty well and I would certainly recommend it and I’m hoping to see it again. I’m now curious about the book which was written in 1947 and am going to track it down.

          2. Keller*

            Graham Greene is such a treat! Our Man in Havana would be a good read right now — for how people and governments interact in terrible, funny, stupid, and sometimes refreshingly clever ways.

            Greenie’s language is more contemporary and, at least for me, *much* more accessible than any of the authors at the top of this thread.

      2. Mia*

        Yes, I don’t love all the above writers mentioned but Henry James and George Elliot create fascinating characters and paint really vivid pictures of worlds very different from our own. I love reading 19th and early 20th century fiction for the detail it captures and as a reminder that people of the past were similar to us in so many ways. I struggle more with the modernists, but to each their own!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I am not a particular proponent of any of those you list.

      However! We don’t usually read stories for their information about modern life. We read stories because something about the character or the problem they face hooks us. Even if they are flying a space ship, or sailing around Ancient Greece, or traveling around Ancient China with the Monkey King. Any of those might resonate for you, or for another reader.

      Enduring stories from that time: Sherlock Holmes, Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland, A Christmas Carol, The Wizard of Oz, Frankenstein. All of these have inspired modern retellings, just like the Greek myths are retold in books like Circe.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        In the vein of good adventure stories from the mid-19th century on, maybe *The Three Musketeers* or *The Count of Monte Cristo* might also prove easier to get into.

    4. Chicago Anon*

      It’s partly the beauty of their language, though I have to admit I have never got on with George Eliot, and Gertrude Stein has more “curiosity value” than real enjoyment. T. S. Eliot’s “Old Possum’s Guide to Practical Cats” is a great deal of fun if you’re not up for “serious” poetry. James & Proust describe their worlds and social mores in considerable detail; they offer a sort of “time travel” experience; but many people find them simply too long-winded. Forster focuses on a world that is changing, and the clashes between older views of how to behave and the newer ways of doing things: in some ways, a universal problem and a way of casting light on similar things happening now.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I think this is a lot of it for me, specifically regarding George Elliot and E.M. Forster. They write novels about deeply flawed, very complex and human people. I’d also add Edith Wharton and Thomas Hardy to my list of favorite “classic” authors.
        To be honest I don’t think there is one single thread for all the authors you cite- each one is different.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Second Wharton. Her ghost story “Afterwards” truly earns the description of “haunting.”

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I really like George Eliot’s *Middlemarch*–it follows several people who marry (or don’t) and tries to show readers why it’s very important to choose carefully whom you marry and the potentially disastrous consequences of marrying the wrong person.

      True, it’s quite long and has a bunch of sub-plots, but it kept my attention well and has happy endings at last for some characters who have had to wait a long time for them. At the end of reading it, I felt very satisfied. I have not liked other Eliot novels quite as much.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I picked up Middlemarch at random and loved reading it so much I couldn’t wait to finish it and read it again!

        One thing I loved about it was her demonstration that a person can be a full grown, thoughtful and intelligent adult, think they are making a wise choice in life partner for good, sane reasons, and still be absolutely, disastrously wrong.

        1. allx*

          Your second paragraph is exactly correct, and it is a theme that is as relevant today as then. I read Middlemarch only last year after it kept coming up in these comments. It was definitely a gateway read for me, as now I am hooked on classics.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I agree, Middlemarch felt very modern for me. It was about a woman’s personal choices mattering, for one thing. And it lets you be fully immersed in a society that is gone now.

      3. UKDancer*

        I love Middlemarch because the thinking about marriage and how to choose your partner was so careful and considered. I like Elliot’s work generally because she talks a lot about women and they choices they face and how to make them wisely.

        I also love Silas Marner and what it has to say about raising children and the insight into the society.

        I would also admit to a lot of fondness for Romola because I like the heroine.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Obviously there are many more such authors than the ones you list, but my stand-out favorite (of that list and pretty much of all the reading I’ve ever done) is George Eliot, primarily for Middlemarch. It’s an immersive visit to one small-but-rising village and the people who live there, with relationships familial, friendly, and romantic – though not all of the romantic ones work out well. There are looks at youthful enthusiasm and how it might be very influential – or might go terribly wrong; old secrets come to light; seekers of knowledge in several different spheres; and more. Oh, and some very funny banter between siblings and friends and the most comfortable pair of spouses in the story.

      I read a LOT, so I have read many of the other influential authors – Dickens, Austen, Hugo, Doyle, Wells, Trollope, Thackeray, Dumas, etc. – and there are works ranging from high action to suspense to serious social commentary to science fiction.

      If you’re interested in dabbling but aren’t sure where to start, maybe try Googling for your favorite book-theme keywords plus “19th century author” or some such, and see if anything pops up. (Many of them wrote short stories, too, possibly an easier way to introduce yourself to them.)

    9. Eat a peach*

      Maybe read the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (it won’t take more than a few minutes) and see whether you think there’s anything a reader today might enjoy?

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      That’s a broad enough range in time and style that I’m wondering what you mean by “important.” Are you looking for writers who you’re likely to enjoy, or writers who are important for their influence on other writers?

      The other question is, what other writers or books do you like? If you don’t generally like poetry, you probably won’t like Gertrude Stein, T. S. Eliot, or Ezra Pound.

      This is an open-ended question that a librarian can probably help you with, based on what you’ve already read.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I like Proust, and Eliot’s Middlemarch is one of the Great Novels, for me.

      I think it’s really a matter of taste–the main problem is that those writers changed what novels/poems could “do” so completely that now it seems perfectly normal to write in stream-of-consciousness, or do random capital/non capital words and “odd” arrangements of words on the page, and so on. Not that all modern works are like that, of course, but it isn’t considered Hugely Rule Breaking! and Scandalous! to do so.

    12. Lizard*

      I can’t speak to all of these authors, but I’m often struck by how much funnier some books from this time period are than I expect. Maybe because they’re classics, I unconsciously expect something dry/serious.

      I picked up some short stories by Henry James a couple years ago because I wanted to read The Aspern Papers (about a man who is so obsessed with his favorite author that he rents a room from the author’s family to try and gain access to his papers). I don’t know if he meant to be funny, but several of those short stories contained absurd characters that were entertaining to read. I also found that they were good to read at a stressful time in my life because some of the stakes were so low (or at least low drama) – visiting people’s houses, getting to meet a local painter etc.,

      I’m having the same experience right now with Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray, which I didn’t know was a satire when I started it (but now I do).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I feel the same way about Nathaniel Hawthorne! I’m reading his Twice Told Tales and he’s got a really dry sense of humor. You do have to get into the swing of his voice and the times he was writing about, but he’s not boring at all once you do.

    13. Gloaming*

      I think that in general the modernists are still pretty accessible and relevant to modern audiences. The sense that the whole world is falling apart and modern life is leaving people entirely disconnected from each other is still a pretty relevant one, and that’s sort of their whole ‘thing’. They’re also just fun to read because they start very consciously playing with traditional forms to make their point.

      I’d probably start with the early, accessible T.S. Eliot poems – *The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock* and the *The Hollow Men* are pretty famous, capture the themes & IMO embody the modernist movement as a whole, and are short enough that they’re not a huge time investment.

      His stuff gets pretty inaccessible after he converts (The Four Quartets are aesthetically pleasing but somewhat dense after Burnt Norton, and Ash Wednesday did nothing for me), The Waste Land is very rewarding if you’re into it and lays the groundwork for postmodernism in a super interesting way without I think really realizing that it was doing so, but it’s also very easy to bounce off of.

      You should also definitely throw Virginia Woolf and Yeats on there if you’re going to get into that whole thing.

    14. Prawo Jazdy*

      Thanks for the thoughtful replies and suggestions, which I have bookmarked! Sounds like many are still fun reads today… and Middlemarch is now at the top of my list.

    15. UKDancer*

      I loved George Elliott because of what she said about women and their choices. From the same period I also loved Elizabeth Gaskell. North and South in particular is brilliant to me as someone from the north who lives in the south and I love the insights into manufacturing and how the union and labour movement formed, as well as the well formed heroine Margaret Hale.

      Of the others I don’t much like TS Eliot and EM Forster bored me. I just couldn’t get into most of his works despite trying because he wrote women like someone who had never talked to one. But that’s just me and I have a low tolerance for upper class men going on about their man pain. Passage to India had some good ideas and insights into the cultural issues though.

      I liked Turn of the Screw and his short stories but Henry James’ longer works didn’t please me. I think his short stories are really clever though and prefer them to his longer ones.

    16. Pretentious Cynic*

      I get where you are coming from. So many of these “important” works have to be placed in the historical context of the social mores and times in which they were written. Many of them are “firsts” of various kinds because, supposedly, no one had ever written about a particular subject before, or if they did, the works were not published and lost. These important works tend to by, and about, white men (the writers now dead, of course) and, all to frequently, about the upper classes. Historically women and members of the lower classes did not have access to education and literacy. (My own personal prejudice, and I hate to admit it, is that for the most part the lives and problems of us peons aren’t particularly interesting.) These were written in the “bad old days” and most people were stupid and unenlightened, even those who could write.

      That said, in many of these works there is the beautiful way that they are written,they beautiful way they use words and language to tell a story. (Joyce and Hemingway). Sometimes these works will contain seemingly mundane details of life in a particular time are interesting in their own right, even if they are not particularly relevant to a plot. The best of these important works deal with timeless and universal themes that that continue to have resonance and relevance to our present-day lives. They make us think or feel, or they merely entertain us (which is no small or bad thing), probably with humor as they point out the timeless foibles of human nature and existence.

    17. Rtypoi*

      Except for Pound, you listed a bunch of people for which I share your confusion. They are seen as “great” I’m not sure why and I’m not young. I’m old enough to have these at the time in college when they Were deemed important. I never understood it.
      Same with me for F Scott Fitzgerald.

      But I wouldn’t put all writers of that timeframe that you’re speaking of in the same pile

  32. Llellayena*

    I have a landscape designer/contractor coming on Tuesday to discuss putting a patio in my backyard. Are there any questions I should be asking besides the obvious ones about cost and timeline? It’s a well regarded landscaping company so I’m not worried about the usual referrals and proof of skill with them.

    Also, I only have the one company and I’d like to compare 2 or 3. How do I find the other companies? My generic google search isn’t pulling up anything I trust and no one I know nearby has put a patio in recently. I’ll also take direct recommendations if you know a patio company in central NJ…

    1. Ashley*

      Ask about maintenance and longevity of the materials you want to pick.
      The This Old House and Ask This Old House folks have a ton of history with all things house including patios. You can look up the type of patio you are thinking about to know more about what makes good structure.

    2. WestsideStory*

      Drainage and grading. Patio needs to slope away from the house, so it doesn’t send water there when it rains. Some patios are built with a drain in either the center or a discrete corner. What are their suggestions for drainage?

      1. Llellayena*

        Fortunately, I’m an architect so I’ve already drawn up a plan that allows for drainage. I’m looking less for design questions and more for “I’m hiring someone to do work for me” questions.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      What pipes, cables, and other “DON’T CUT THIS” stuff might be buried under your potential patio spot. Most communities have information on this at the local gas/electricity/water board web pages.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On a similar note, “what runs under here that we might need to access later.”

    4. A313*

      If there’s a garden center you like, they may have recommendations for you. That’s worked for us.

      1. Llellayena*

        That’s what I thought of, so I called them…and they’re coming out Tuesday. Apparently they do their own contracting too.

  33. Blue wall*

    Recs for plus size women’s brands with fun prints for dresses? I’m looking for some colorful fun patterns; I love a cotton midi dress.

    I’m based in the US, a bit over Lane Bryant. This week I stumbled on Joanie, and poked around on Boden’s site (wish their sizing went higher). Are you familiar with these companies and can speak to their quality? Any other brands to look for? Bloomchic is also advertising heavily in my feeds now.

    1. Maryn*

      It’s not print dresses, but every plus-size woman needs to know about Snag, which started with tights (they fit! they’re comfortable!) and has expanded into clothing. I have less-than-great legs but wear colored tights to coordinate with my clothes fairly often.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Torrid? They have a pretty decent selection of everything, and the quality is decent as well. I don’t have any dresses from them because not a dress person, but the jeans and the tops hold up.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Svaha USA at svahausa dot com has adorable dresses in a range that includes plus sizes. They started out being for women scientists (molecule patterns, etc.), but they have a whole bunch of other cute patterns now–books, leaves, planets . . . .

    4. CTT*

      Boden is one of my very favorite clothing companies! It’s high quality and they have very helpful customer service.

    6. Alex*

      I recently thrifted a dress from Ulla Popken and it seems pretty good quality, and is 97% cotton (it is a woven fabric, not a knit) with 3% elastane.

    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Zuri!
      They are a Kenya based fashion brand that does beautifully colourful dresses for every size.
      British comedian Sarah Millican wore a lot of their dresses on her last tour (not sponsored) and looked great in all of them. As she puts it in a short video she did on youtube because people were asking her about her dresses: “They’ve got pockets! They allow you to have boobs and bellies and bums!” :D
      (I’ll stick a link to that short video in a seperate comment, so you can see her in one of those dresses, too)

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Last year I discovered Maya Kern, they stock plus sizes and have photos of models wearing every size of every item. Unfortunately, their stock is very limited right now, they had a huge clearance sale to move warehouses and haven’t gotten restocked yet.

    9. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      If you can wear a 2x, Lesley Evers has fantastic prints.

      Boden used to be a go-to for me, loved the details and quality was good. As I got bigger their stuff didn’t suit me anymore — everything seems meant for a taller, straighter body. I’ve seen some negative reviews of their quality today, check the comments. Note they give garment measurements which is hugely helpful especially if you’re hitting the top end of the range.

      I’ve had some luck with graphic prints at Ulla Popken. They have huge volume of items and many are boring, have to hunt for the special ones.

      Recently I scored some unusual patterned pieces from Novica (I’m a 20/22 and fit into their XXL, some items show garment sizing) and Marketplace India (high quality, expensive returns)

    10. mreasy*

      I have a couple of Joanie dresses that I really like. The quality is great but UK sizing always gets me mixed up.

    11. Fluff*

      Adding kudos to DS9 – they really got into the real characters over time. Even the Kai has what if moments before she went down the wrong path.

      If you liked Ds9, try Battlestar Galactica with Edward James Olamos. Make it through season 1 and then yikes. A close second to DS 9 for me. I have not watched the new ones though (I want to).

    12. Fluff*

      Depending on how casual, I sometimes look at Princess Awesome. They have larger sizes.

      They may be a bit casual. It is fun wearing something with dinos or meteors on it under my blazer.

      For cat lovers – check out the adult cat joggers.

      1. Rtypoi*

        I get all my dresses from Gudrun Sjoden. Their Xxl is a 2x and are great quality. Watch for sales as their regular prices are a lot

    13. Grilledcheeser*

      I love eshakti for dresses because you can tailor each individual item you buy. I need certain skirt lengths due to my height – no problem! Some designs i need collars, some are ok to be lower necklines. You can get so specific with so many choices, even adding pockets sometimes.

    14. Marion Ravenwood*

      I am obsessed with Joanie (I am literally wearing a Joanie dress as I type this). They aren’t the cheapest, so I tend to only buy when they have a sale or a good discount, but I find them to be really good quality and durable.

  34. Anon for this one*

    Any advice for starting the “how do you feel about our relationship” conversation?
    I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years and we bought a house together nearly two years ago (we are not married) with my parents (all four of us are on the mortgage with the plan that they will retire and move in with us) and have several pets. He is the primary bread winner and does pay for our portion of the mortgage as well as some utilities while I cover pet expenses, groceries, and other utilities. Here is the issue– we have never had a spark or chemistry. Things have always just been easy and comfortable between us and for the longest time I thought it was normal and that I could make it work. Lately though, I am realizing that I can’t. I am not attracted to him, and realized I never really was. He is a wonderful person and I want us both to be happy but we feel like friends and roommates more than a couple and I don’t know how to start the conversation. I do feel like he potentially feels the same way, as he has always struggled with ED in our relationship and took several years to try medication and even then won’t use them consistently. He asked my dad to marry me nearly two years ago and he has still not purchased a ring, so I know there is SOME hesitation on his part as well. Any advice for getting this rolling? I don’t want him to feel like I’ve used him financially, but I really think we would be much happier if we were just friends and were free to date other people. I have tried to kindle a spark by offering to do his hobbies but he declines, so I have just been doing things on my own or with my own friends lately.

    1. Morning Reader*

      No specific advice about the conversation, but, I will suggest Dan Savage advice columnist for general info on companionate marriage, open relationships, etc. You will find potential starting strategies.
      Besides that I suggest figuring out what you want as an outcome from the conversation and/or how to handle various possible reactions, as it might inform your approach. Do you want to keep the current shared housing arrangement but no longer sleep together and possibly date other people? Do you just want your own room and maybe sometimes still sleep together? Do you want to move out? Do you want to change your financial or chore arrangements? All four of you being on the mortgage (and also on the deed?) complicates the matter and you may need legal advice, e.g. he buys out the three of you or you and your parents buy his share, if one of you leaves. I fear going into a “how do we feel about the relationship” without a clear goal or at least considering options, could go badly.
      Might be easier to have a “are we exclusive” conversation (rather than a broad State of the Relationship conversation) and start dating other people, openly, and not change anything else. (Or not, if he says no to that.)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I just want to second the idea of getting good legal advice, not because you’re trying to be adversarial, but because it is extremely complicated to co-own a house with someone you’re not married to and then separate that ownership (if that’s what you all decide you eventually want). And it’s even more complicated here because he’s paying your part of the mortgage.

      2. Sloanicota*

        That’s a thought. “Are we exclusive” or “have you ever thought about being non-monogamous” is one avenue for discussion.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Sure, but if you’re not even attracted to someone, why should you stay in a relationship with them? if the realization is, I think I want out of the relationship, I don’t think the solution is, “let’s add more people and complications to this instead of making as clean a break as possible “

          1. Anonanonanoninon*

            I’m not saying this is necessarily true in OP’s case or that they should pursue this if they know for sure they want out…but generally I think we think of attraction (or desire) as a ‘it’s there or it’s not’ sort of thing, and yet it doesn’t always have to be that way…you can build desire (at least some of the time) by communicating and figuring out with your partner what you both would like and actually working toward it. It sounds a bit unromantic, but I take the perspective that choosing to invest in your relationship and try things that might feel new or awkward IS romantic. This can be especially true in long term relationships as you lose the novelty and ‘spark’ and as bodies change and can do or respond to different things. A couple’s therapist, or even a sex therapist can help with figuring that kind of stuff out.

    2. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my polyam friends (I have a lot of them) is that there is no one model for a relationship. Not all long-term relationships need to be based around romance and sex, provide the parties agree. I have friends who are together (and sometimes married) and wouldn’t change it for the world, despite the fact that they are no longer sexually involved with each other. They’re partners and best friends, with all of the positive connotations of friendship and none of the negative ones that try to paint friendship as somehow inferior to a romantic and/or sexual relationship. That may or may not be you and your partner. If you would like to stay with him as friends, that does not need to mean settling for a “lesser” relationship, but it has to be something that both of you agree to and set parameters around. I think it starts with you and understanding what you want, especially long-term, and then looking to understand and discuss what he wants.

      Not to be all advice-columny, but have you tried counselling?

    3. Treena*

      Just break up. I don’t say that flippantly. Once it’s done, a few years later, you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner. Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t fulfill you. He doesn’t even want to do his hobbies with you. You’re roommates at best.

      Assuming you (and your parents) can buy him out, do so. Absolutely do not open the relationship and do not listen to anything Dan Savage says (he’s awful in too many ways to list). I say this as someone who has been (happily) non-monogamous for over 15 years. It doesn’t fix broken relationships.

      1. WellRed*

        I agree. Life is a very long time to spend with someone who doesn’t fulfill you and if you never had a spark, it’s likely to go downhill from here. Get legal advice about the financial parts.

        1. WellRed*

          I just reread your post and this jumped out at me and I think most of the other comments also missed it: “I thought I could make it work. … I can’t.” Don’t try to rekindle what was never there, don’t live as roommates, don’t open the relationship. DO get legal advice and DO consider a counselor to talk this out in a safe space.

      2. Morning Reader*

        Completely disagree about Savage, but that’s not a discussion we need to have here. In any case, my suggestion was not so much “take his advice” as “look at conversations he’s had about these things, especially with knowledgeable guests, and there may be some useful takeaways there.”
        I will disagree about the “just break up” thing too. If they weren’t entangled with family and mortgage, sure. Life’s too short and all that. But the finances/housing/future parent plans are too entangled to just break up. What if he makes her leave? (Can he, I don’t know.) What if he leaves? What if he stays, makes things awkward, quits paying the mortgage? Anyway, OP, if your inclination is to break up (and that does seem best, long term), lawyer up first. Perhaps with your parents.

        1. Bella Ridley*

          In some cases (not all, certainly) couples therapy can be a way to talk through the emotions and even some of the logistics of a dissolution of a marriage or partnership with a third party to keep things on track and fairly civil. It’s not for everyone, and it’s not a long-term thing, but it’s a use of couples therapy that works for some people.

    5. ecnaseener*

      I would say do him the favor of being honest about what you want instead of asking how he feels about your relationship. If you want to try to kindle a spark or otherwise improve your relationship, ask for that (with specifics) instead of asking don’t-you-think-we-should-have-more-of-a-spark when you already know the answer. If you want to break up, then break up cleanly. (If you’re right that he also wants to break up, then great! If you’re wrong, dragging it out won’t help.)

      Captain Awkward has some great advice on how to break up compassionately. #1368 is a good starting point.

    6. RagingADHD*

      IME, every difficult conversation is easier to start if you acknowledge the difficulty up front with something like, “I’ve been thinking about something for a while now, and it’s kind of hard to talk about, but I feel like it’s important…”

      Maybe bring up that he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, and ask him if he’s happy with the way things are?

      1. Emma*

        I think this phrasing is great to start the conversation.

        But if you’re unhappy, and want to leave, I wouldn’t ask if he’s happy. Because if he’s happy – will that change how you feel, and what you want to do?

        1. RagingADHD*

          OP sounds very invested in how he feels, and wanting to have peace that she did right by him. Even if they are living as friends, they are good friends. This is not a situation of conflict.

          Inviting authenticity from him isn’t going to fix anything, but it creates space for the conversation to happen gently, between friends who aren’t going into this mad at each other.

          1. Emma*

            I understand caring about your partner’s feelings. It’s a good impulse! But if my partner already knew they wanted to leave, I would want to know that. They could ask about, and care for my feelings too. But I would want to know.

            And the partner may not be happy about breaking up. And that’s ok!

            1. RagingADHD*

              Yes, of course it’s okay.

              My suggestion is *literally* a conversation starter, not an if / then proposition.

              If OP is procrastinating having a needed conversation because it seems too hard, then having a way to ease into it is more likely to make it possible. If OP felt fine about just walking in and saying “By the way, Im leaving,” then they would have done it already.

    7. Generic Name*

      Oof, this is really hard. I really hate how much advice there is out there about how “relationships take work” and healthy long-term relationships don’t necessarily have a “spark” (anymore). It leads some couples to exactly where you’re at. A good friend of mine had the same realization you’re having except it was after 20 years of marriage and teenaged children. Their divorce was very amicable and they have a good coparenting relationship.

      I also want to say that if you want a monogamous relationship with someone you are into sexually who is also into you sexually, that’s a perfectly okay thing to want! I know polyamory is something that many people find good and fulfilling, but adding an additional relationship to the mix when the “only” thing tying you to someone else is a property deed seems unnecessary.

      As for the conversation, I suggest having it at home when you are both relaxed and otherwise have no plans. I think you could phrase it very similarly to how you’ve phrased it here. That he is a wonderful person and you want both of you to be happy but you don’t feel any chemistry and feeling chemistry with a partner is important to you. Then ask how he feels. Even though you’re probably right that his ED may well be tied into lack of attraction for him, I wouldn’t mention it during this conversation.

      If you don’t want him to feel financially used, I suggest coming up with a financial settlement that feels fair to both of you. This is the type of situation that mediation was made for.

      Honestly though, you don’t HAVE to ask how he feels about the relationship and then let that be the sole guide to next steps. Your feelings about the relationship are valid and you are allowed to break up with a good guy simply because you want to end the relationship. Captain Awkward has at least one column about a situation where the OP is in a relationship with a good person but feels guilty for wanting to break up because their partner hasn’t done anything bad or wrong.

    8. Calico*

      You need a lawyer, and your parents need a plan for where they will live. They either need to buy him out of his share or, if they can’t afford that, they need to figure out where they will go.

      Did you have any sort of contract drawn up when you entered into this? Also, it’s a bit unusual for a bank to issue a mortgage with four adults on it — your lawyer should also review that for any issues.

    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      As other people have said, try to figure out what you want from here. If someone asked me how I felt about our relationship, I’d probably ask what they had in mind. You’re already thinking about the question, and he may not be.

      A reasonable starting point would be something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship” or “I’m not dumping you, but we need to talk about our relationship.” If you’re sure that you want to split, say so up front: you’re breaking up with him because this isn’t working anymore. He may be relieved, or he may ask what he’s doing wrong or offer to change. There are some good scripts on the Captain Awkward website for telling someone that you’ve made up your mind, and it’s nothing they can change.

    10. Emma*

      Others have offered good advice about how to start the conversation.

      This line jumped out at me: “I am not attracted to him, and realized I never really was.”

      I would avoid saying that, in your various break-up discussions, because..oof. It would wound me deeply. It’s ok to break up, I would just especially avoid the “I’ve never been attracted to you,” because it’s just so rough, and not something the person can control.

      I would also consider that he may not want to be friends after you break up. Or he may!

      I guess my main advice is that if you’re sure you want to break up, just do it. It’s kind to end a relationship when there’s no chance you want to stay. And if you’re not sure, I would do personal+ couples counseling.

      Good luck!!!

    11. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I just wanted to offer you an optimistic perspective of someone who was in a similar (bought a house with a long term partner, loved him but realized I’d rather be his friend). It was tough at first. We definitely argued about a lot of financial stuff. But after about a year, as all the house stuff had been settled and was getting more distant, we were genuinely able to be friends again, a true, good friendship that suits us much better. It’s going on 12 years now, and he feels like family now. We get along with each other’s spouses, his kids call me auntie, and we are both so, so much happier, with people much better suited to us. That wouldn’t have been possible if we didn’t go thru the unpleasantness of breaking up and figuring out our mortgage, etc. So even if it seems tense or bad or very painful at moments, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or that something more beautiful won’t develop out of it.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thanks for sharing here as I think it illustrates an important point, in that stating together with the person you know isn’t right for you can prevent you from meeting the right person!

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’ve had some lovely mocktails at local restaurants, though I don’t have the details on hand. (Some of them were custom jobs; we had a speakeasy-style bar where the bartender would whip up something surprising on the spot.)

      I did find a recipe book called Good Drinks by Julia Bainbridge with lots of tempting mocktail recipes, including:

      “Billows and Thieves”, from a Queens NY bar – it features grapefruit juice, cold-pressed coffee (!), and a black cardamom and cinnamon syrup

      “Chicha Morada Agua Fresca”, a Peruvian-inspired drink from a San Francisco bar – this one uses pineapple, dried purple corn, apples, and spices

      “Honeydew-Avocado Agua Fresca”, from a Portland Oregon bar – a simple recipe featuring a puree of honeydew melon and avocado, plus lime juice and soda water

      “U-Me and Everyone We Know”, from Gabriella Mlynarczyk – it has a base of tomato/watermelon/basil juice (which sounds pretty good by itself) plus lemon juice simple syrup, and umeboshi vinegar

      “Get Well Soon” from Jim Meehan – a hot toddy using a turmeric-ginger honey syrup, with lemon juice, apple cider vinegar, and hot water

      “Lorca” by Pam Haner – another simple recipe that sounds unexpectedly tasty, featuring plain kefir, honey syrup, and tahini

      “Sunomo” from a North Carolina restaurant – a sesame and salted rice vinegar shrub mixed with cucumber juice and soda (I like shrubs, and this flavor combination sounds intriguing)

      “Squash and Sorghum” from a DC restaurant – another shrub, this time using butternut squash, black pepper, apple cider, and sorghum molasses

      For non-alcoholic beers, my sister recommends Athletic very highly, though I haven’t tried it myself.

    2. Sloanicota*

      My favorite is Hella Grapefruit bitters and soda, but gosh is it spendy. But I’d rather have one of those than most beers TBH! I have started buying my own flavored bitters to mix with sparkling water. I like flavors like licorice, walnut, or citrus for that “burn” missing from juice.

    3. Kt*

      I like some of the Curious Elixir drinks (enough of them to have a subscription). I particularly like their darker ones, personally. Friends at parties like their blood Orange spritz and cucumber drink as well.

      Oddbird Blanc de blanc is a good sparkling NA white if you need a mixer.

      The Phony Negroni is actually really really good.

      Casamara’s Onda and Como are delicious and refreshing and I look forward to them at a local bar every time I’m in the area.

      My spouse recently brought home an NA amaro that is amazing and I don’t recall the name, sorry!

      As you might be able to tell, I like bitter, woody, herbal flavors, not just sweetness and fruit. Finding NA drinks that scratch that itch has taken some time.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      Seedlip is a common non-alcoholic spirit I see used in mocktails at restaurants. They have a lot of recipes on their site. I’m actually about to buy some of their stuff lol.

    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      The tiny cans of Ghia are pretty good if bitter is a flavor you welcome. The flavor with ginger is quite good. I also recently tried Phony Negroni. The mezcal one is very smoky!

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      I like Juke’s Cordialities. They are expensive though
      I also like soda water with a few dashes of Angustura (sp?) bitters and a wedge of lime

    7. Six Feldspar*

      I like sparkling water + coconut water + fruit juice on a hot day. You could fancy it up with slices of citrus or fruit (apparently pomegranate seeds circle up and down in fizzy drinks like little submarines?), mint sprigs, salted rim like mohitos, etc.

      Smitten Kitchen also has several mocktail recipes that look fancy: https://smittenkitchen.com/recipes/course/drinks/

    9. Rose is a rose*

      When my mint plant is flourishing I do a virgin mojito kinda thing — mint, sugar, lime juice, ice, and soda water. Very good when it’s hot!

    10. mreasy*

      I subscribe to and highly recommend The Modern Substitute, which is a newsletter all about the latest and greatest in NA beverages. I have found so many new faves this way.

    11. Generic Name*

      I’m trying to recolonize my gut with “good” bacteria after a round of antibiotics, and am drinking some kombucha. Normally I don’t think kombucha is all that good, but this brand is actually pretty good. It’s “humm” probiotic kombucha in blackberry flavor. I’m drinking it straight from the can, but I think it would be pretty tasty over ice.

  36. Travel Agent Help!*

    I will be traveling to Japan later this year. I also want to have several stops in Japan and then stop at Hawaii on the way back. This will result in flying in and out of several airports. I’ve been researching flights but I’d really love to consult with an experienced travel agent to review my options. In my small area, all the travel agents are Disney cruise specialists or Caribbean travel experts. I really need someone with a lot of experience. I’ve had several people tell me they are travel agents but don’t seem to have much experience with international travel. How can I navigate this? I don’t mind meeting with someone in another part of the country but experience/good recommendation is very important! Thanks for any tips you can provide!!

    1. Tiny Clay Insects*

      This is 100% self promotion, but it’s also advice, so I’m going to go for it and not be hurt this ends up getting deleted.

      I co-own a travel business called Leaping Hound Travel, and we specialize in trips to Europe and Japan (mostly Europe, but we do a healthy amount of Japan Travel, too). If you google us, you can learn more about us and, if you want, fill out our travel interest form.

  37. Positive Reinforcement*

    What are some small “rewards” you give yourself for good behavior? People talk about checking off boxes being very motivating for them, but I’m not getting a surge of dopamine from that. Ideally something small and immediate? I’m about to enter a season where I have to do a lot of things I don’t like.

    3. Generic Name*

      The to do/task part of Microsoft outlook offers a very satisfying “ding” chime when you click the checkbox box on tasks when you complete them. it silly as it sounds, I do get a tiny dopamine surge.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Buying stickers on Etsy feels like the grownup version of a sticker chart for me. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with them but you can find so many fun art stickers or very specific interest stickers and they’re usually in the $2-4 range.

    5. No name today*

      Get a massage, pedicure, other just me treat.
      Reward myself with something I want to do once I’ve done the thing I have to do (take a walk/listen to another chapter of a book, call a friend, etc).

    6. office hobbit*

      To paraphrase, self-imposed rewards don’t work on me because I know the person who gives them out and they’re a real pushover.

      An actual answer: after trying some things I decided my brain just doesn’t work that way. If you end up thinking you’re in the same boat, what I’ve tried to do instead is make the rest of my life more pleasant and enjoyable so that I don’t have to do things I dislike and then also do a bunch of chores or cook from scratch etc. (This has only somewhat worked.)

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I agree, for longer term I’d look at what is making the process painful and how to rework it to be easier. It’s annoying but I do also feel more capable with better self care, so if something I can normally do without issue becomes a huge challenge one week I’ll try to delay it until I’m feeling better on a baseline level.

        But for short term or one off things, I agree with the other things people have listed (chocolate, a fancy drink, craft supplies, etc).

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Candy. Not gonna lie, some days it’s the only thing I look forward to. Not crazy amounts, just one candy bar, but it’s motivating for sure.

      Obviously this isn’t going to work for everyone, but I am food-reward positive, for sure! Maybe plan to make a favorite dish, or go to a favorite restaurant?

      1. Harlowe*

        Yup, candy. Specifically I go to a local chocolatier and buy myself a gift box of only the good flavors, then parcel them out for good deeds.

        Currently procrastinating finishing a freelance piece that will earn me two salted caramels. Back to it!

    10. Fluff*

      Second to the Lion pose!

      Try saying praise to yourself out loud. It sounds so dorky, and it seems to work. My ADD coach recommended it and I am trying.
      “Fluff, good job doing 10 emails. I know you wanted to futz around on AAM and you stuck in there and did those 10 emails. Now go check out what Grendel is doing.’

      “You ate a big salad. Fluff, nice job fueling your body.”

      I am still suspicious, and the research shows this works. I am working on flexing the positive muscle.

    11. Forensic13*

      The things I don’t like tend to mostly be mental, so all my treats are physical. Dance break, crafting break, fidgeting with slime, etc.

  38. I probably just need therapy*

    My extroverted partner loves hobbies involving performance and he will happily try new things even when he’s not very good at them. I am an introvert with some social anxiety and a strong sense of secondhand embarrassment. It hasn’t always been this pronounced, but over the years the gap between these traits has widened and I find it harder and harder to show up and support him when I find some of what he does a bit…cringey.
    Does anyone have advice for how I can re-frame this for myself so I can be more supportive, instead of wishing he would just not?

    1. Reba*

      I would try to keep in mind that this is a you problem, not a him problem (I know you know this). The positive side is that this means you are pretty empathetic. But you are feeling *your* feelings, not his. You are two separate people!

      The technique I’ve used for dealing with anxiety or secondhand cringe is basically like mindfulness – stop and breathe, observe my own reactions, deliberately retrain my focus on something else.

      Maybe in your situation, you could try watching other performers on the stage more, or something like that? Or planning to meet your partner afterward on the sidewalk, not the lobby, somewhere that feels more “off stage” and out of view?

    2. Not A Manager*

      You know the phrase “I love that for you”? Maybe that would help when you start to feel the cringe. Isn’t it amazing that your partner is so joyous and adventuresome that he can jump into something like that without self-consciousness? Try focusing on who he is rather than on what he’s doing.

    3. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, I think I’ll offer a different direction from likely other comments – I wonder if you could encourage him to “go deep” on whichever of these you think he’s best at it? Like, if you really find it painful to watch him do improv (been there) but he’s pretty good at standup, could you buy him standup coaching as a gift, really focus on showing up for him on the comedy circuit, whatever that looks like? Not to say he can’t keep doing improv also, but perhaps you don’t have to go to those shows “because you know that isn’t really my thing.” Some people particularly love the dilettante aspect of trying lots of things low-pressure, and you shouldn’t have to show up in the cheering section for every effort, but perhaps you are identifying a value you have, of working hard at something, taking it seriously and getting good at it?

    4. allathian*

      Do you have to see all of his performances? Tell him you love him, tell him that you love that he’s found a way to express himself that he enjoys, but that watching him perform is painful for you for reasons related to your anxiety?

      Sometimes it’s ok to stop pushing and let the anxiety win, as long as you don’t limit your life too much by doing so. You’re allowed to support your partner at a distance.

    5. HannahS*

      Echoing what others are saying–I would say a combo of sitting with your discomfort and letting it pass (“this is not about me; he is having fun and that’s what’s important”) and giving yourself a break (don’t go to everything!)

    6. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Why do wish he would not? Is it to save yourself the embarrassment or because you think he’d be better off? Sounds like he’s having fun – is that your sense? And do you think you’re having a harder time or he’s getting worse, or both?

      I’m the extrovert/performer (started both standup and improv in the past three years). Hubs is much more of an introvert. I’ve been a choral singer since my teens and I’m reasonably accomplished. Hubs loves music and never had a chance when he was a kid. A few years ago he joined my choir, which does not require auditions. I was really torn. On the one hand, I want him to have fun and I love doing things together. On the other hand, I’d…heard him sing. I didn’t say anything to him, which was not easy. I figured my anxiety was my issue, his singing did not reflect on me, and the music director could pull him aside if need be. He loves it and has improved significantly – but even if he hadn’t, the bottom line is *he loves it.* The reframe that worked for me was “this is about his experience and enjoyment, and nobody will be judging me based on his ability.”

      I don’t expect him to come to all of my comedy performances. If something is important to me, I let him know. I’d hate it if he tried to keep me from doing something I enjoy because it made him uncomfortable (with the one exception of talking about him in my stand-up routine – I always clear that first).

      1. I probably just need therapy*

        This is good food for thought. It’s helping me zero in on the parts that are really bothering me about his newest pursuit. It’s not about his ability, it’s about the way he’s approaching it. He’s got that “confidence of a mediocre white man” thing going on that I can sometimes laugh off, but in these times and my current mindset, I find a bit triggering.
        I’ll do some more thinking on it.

        1. SofiaDeo*

          Is it triggering for you because you, personally, are imagining that whatever he is doing, how you would feel doing it in his place? Because IMO something is “cringe” only if people are doing something inappropriate/wrong place, or wrong audience. Groups of people learning a new performance skill will not be good initially, and since no one is expected to be putting out polished performances at this level, why do you perceive it as “cringe?” If he is happy & has confidence, isn’t it a good thing? That’s where the enjoyment comes from, the attempt & learning process, not from thinking one is going to give a flawless performance early on.

    1. Mephyle*

      Case Histories is the first book of a series (Jackson Brodie) that is now up to 6 books. All wonderful.

      They’re not like the usual detective mysteries, and I found that reading Behind the Scenes at the Museum (not a detective mystery and not part of the series) was a good introduction to the series, besides being wonderful on its own, because it showed me how she shapes her books.

  40. Almost Academic*

    Thailand travel tips? I’m going to be in Chiang Mai, Bangkok, and Phuket / Khao Lak areas in about a month. Any recommendations for things you found to be totally worth it or not worth it to see? In general I like nature, food, and culture, not as into parties, bars, or drugs. I’ll be traveling solo, and would prefer not to have to drive a car or motorbike while I’m there since I’m a nervous driver – wondering how to get around a bit. Open to any experiences and recommendations from the AAM hive mind!

    I only have air tickets and one snorkeling trip booked so far, so my itinerary is pretty flexible. Side note, if anyone has recommendations for 6 hrs in Hong Kong at evening, I’m also all ears.

    1. Decidedly Me*

      My favorite thing that I did for my Thailand trip was the Khlong Lat Mayom market in Bangkok! Really, eat your way through any major market. Second favorite was a cooking class and market tour with Cooking With Poo and Friends. Near Phuket, I really liked visiting Big Buddha.

    2. Tea & Sympathy*

      If you can, I would look into Chiang Rai instead of , or as well as, Chiang Mai. Chiang Rai has some interesting temples and is smaller and easier to navigate. It’s also surrounded by rice fields that you can see without going far, and there is also a nearby tea plantation worth seeing.

  41. ZipIt*

    Any other suggestions for this situation besides keep my mouth shut? I have two middle aged siblings and the younger one is way more in shape and does lots of hiking. She usually does v challenging activities to mark her birthday. Other sib has been working w a trainer but is much less athletic. They have signed up to do an extremely challenging multi day activity later this year. I’m concerned for older sib but I don’t think there’s anything I can really say. The org running it does have medical care onsite.

    1. ThatGirl*

      I don’t think there’s much to say – surely sib and trainer have some idea of what they can do, and it may be a goal to do x amount of this challenging thing. They’re an adult. You can ask how sib is training, or say encouraging things, but it’s not your place to talk them out of it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, I doubt OP has any new perspective older sib hasn’t thought of here.

        It sounds like older sib wants a challenging thing to work toward over the next months. That is very often a sound motivator, taking “I should go to the gym… sigh” to “June is coming up, and I want to be able to complete that bike ride, so I am hitting the gym.”

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yep, the most I would do is help them gently feel out their Plan B. Most things have an offramp if it’s not going well – you sign up for a marathon, but you can generally switch to walking or stop entirely if you’re not feeling it that day, while little sib goes on ahead. It’s still pretty impressive to challenge yourself and do any part of a marathon, IMO!

    2. Just a name*

      Other than suggesting they get travel insurance, you should probably stay out of it. Adults an all.

    3. Calico*

      Less athletic people compete in ultras (or whatever) all the time. Sometimes they complete them just fine, and if not, they just flame out after x miles, sometimes with an injury that tells them “hey, that was a dumb idea.” The flaming out very often happens during a too-aggressive training plan, and they never make it to race day.

      If your older sib has a history of cardiac issues or other serious medical problems, sure, chime in. Or if this is a skill-based dangerous activity, like a skeleton competition—yeah, no amateurs should be trying that, so say something. But if it’s an ultra (which is what I’m guessing from your description), your sibling’s joints will tell them it was a dumb idea so you don’t have to.

      1. ZipIt*

        Older sib is a cancer survivor within the past 5 years. We have male heart attacks in our history but no female ones. She has some joint creakiness, but not arthritis. This event has an altitude component too, and she lives in a very flat state. I’m trying to keep my mouth shut for now. There are months till it takes place.

        1. Calico*

          Oh, how wonderful! I absolutely would not say anything in these circumstances. The cancer recovery —> ultra race pipeline is common. Many cancer vets don’t complete their first race; it’s much more about the experience of reclaiming your body’s function for many.

          I’ll also just note that “cancer survivor” tells me she is willing to engage with the medical system and follow doctors’ instructions. I would take comfort in that were it my sister, because that means she’ll listen to the trainer and/or PT and/or ortho surgeon who is telling her to stop.

        2. Fluff*

          I would say something. Caveat is that I worked in higher altitude settings (ski resort towns). Newbies coming to play in the mountains and exert themselves can get quick ill, no matter how in shape they are.

          Perhaps recommend she talk to her doctor? I have had to treat the best athletes and get them off the mountain for some awful altitude sickness.
          Be concerned – and frame it as “Altitude can make even Olympians really sick and could be dangerous.” Then listen.
          Approach it from being the person who might get the call to help her – “OK, so who is managing the altitude? Contacting us in case you need us, etc.?” All with being helpful.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Ooof! I agree that not saying anything is probably the way to go. I can’t think of anything you could say that would be taken well. And i’m very glad to hear there is medical care there! That is the saving grace, IMHO.

    5. Chaordic One*

      The travel insurance is a great recommendation. If this doesn’t work out so well for the older sib, and it sounds like there’s a good chance it won’t, be ready to offer a lot of sympathy and to be there for them and listen to them. In a worst case scenario, try to help them with their physical recovery.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I think this depends on your relationship with your older sibling. Do you have open communication in general, or are sensitive topics difficult to talk about? It’s one thing to express concern and have them appreciate it, and another to bring it up and have them so offended that they stop talking to you.

      1. ZipIt*

        Younger sibling is extremely sensitive. Older sibling is much more easy going but really plays down her health issues. She also struggles with her weight, but given that our mother is obsessed with weight, we both avoid those discussions.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Wow, my feelings are so different from the other commenters. If it were my family member, or even my friend, I would absolutely say something like “what on earth are you thinking of, planning x activity with sibling?” The tone matters here. In my family, sneaking up on it with lots of softening language would actually flag that it’s a big deal, whereas tossing that phrase into a casual conversation would read as jokingnotjoking, which is about how I would want it read.

      If someone said that to me, I would hear it as an opportunity to *either* talk about my real feelings and concerns, *or* to laugh it off, and it would be my choice. My son said something similar to that when I was planning travel with my ex. I responded seriously, but I could have chosen to brush it off.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Ok but the goal matters – are you trying to be heard, to get your concerns assuaged, to change their mind? Talking about the Thing is one thing – I’d want to hear about this ultra or whatever it is – but unsolicited advice is rarely welcome and can come off as condescending. Simply saying “so tell me about this adventure!” and listening could go a long way,

        1. Not A Manager*

          My goal would be to open a dialogue for the other person to discuss whatever they want about the situation. Is Older Sibling excited for this? Did they feel pushed into it? Did they agree to it but now they are having second thoughts? Probably they share a lot of my health and safety concerns, and maybe they’ve addressed those as well as they can. Or maybe they haven’t, and they don’t know how to approach them.

          How I would respond would depend on where they took the conversation. Including, as I said, dropping the subject if they didn’t seem to want to discuss it.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Unless there’s a real medical reason that the older sib should not push things, like a heart condition, I’d drop it. They are adults with agency and it sounds like they won’t be out of range of medical care, so if they both want to do this, well… it’s their time and their money.

    9. WS*

      Insurance! I have a friend (late 40s) who trained for a triathlon, flew to another state to join her sister and compete, ripped a tendon off the bone, had surgery and had to fly back first class to accommodate her leg being elevated. An expensive trip, and our country has free healthcare.

    10. cheap ass rolling with it*

      Does this event have a high-mortality rate (like climbing Mount Everest)? You mentioned a few clues — event is in 4-digit range and was “not flat”. If it’s something like Mount Everest where your cancer-survivor sib might just want it as a goal / live life fully, then maybe go the route of encouraging them but also say things like “just training is an achievement”, “just making it to Base Camp is an achievement”, “know your own body and its limits” so they can justify dropping out if needed.

      Personally, I’m honest enough with my sib to say “WTH are you thinking, you have kids.”

      1. ZipIt*

        I’m in the US, and it’s not overseas, but it involves a lot of climbing. I haven’t seen anything about deaths though, but lots of online reviews about how tough it is. Plus there are TED talk type things which Younger siblings is a huge fan of. Older sibling is ok with that but not as huge a fan. (I would be rolling my eyes much more) The two of them fight sometimes, but sometimes they get along well. I’m guessing they will be too busy hiking/climbing to argue.

  42. Bluebell Brenham*

    Another travel q – any experience to share re flying into Trieste or Zagreb? Am planning on a trip to Ljubljana but flying there is v pricey! Both Zagreb and Trieste are only 90 mins away. Might try to spend one day in either city as well.

    1. Squidhead*

      On a recent trip I flew into Zagreb and then we visited Trieste for a day (but didn’t use their airport). Zagreb feels much more “gritty city” to me than Trieste. Trieste has a bunch of really fancy buildings down by the water, a big park, and seems more tourism-oriented. If I was going to pick one to spend the day in, especially if I just thought I wanted to wander around and look at buildings/Roman ruins/the water, I’d personally pick Trieste. But flying in & out of Zagreb was fine, and if there were specific things I wanted to see and do there it would be fine to visit again.

    2. Undine Spragg*

      I have not flown into ether but I liked Zagreb. I agree, it isn’t super touristy. The open air market still has more food stalls than tourist tat! If it’s your cup of tea, I really liked The Museum of Broken Relationships.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I was actually in Zagreb for 2 days last year and really enjoyed it! And I went to MoBR. Never been to Trieste so I put both in the question.

  43. Childless*

    What kind of games would be fun for a 6-year-old, 8-year-old and 10-year old?

    I’m flying across the country to visit my sibling’s family during their spring break. I’ve visited them several times over the years, but am otherwise not in contact with them and don’t know what they like to do, but want to plan to have some fun things to do with them since I’m usually left alone with them while my sibling and their spouse go off and do other things. My first thought was to do arts and crafts kits, but it’s expensive to have to buy four of each and have them shipped there (I don’t have room in my minimalist luggage), and I really don’t enjoy arts and crafts myself.

    I’m thinking it would be better to buy some games off of Amazon and have them shipped there. Does anyone have any suggestions on what games are good for this age group? Preferably games where it isn’t easy to cheat (the older kids don’t like playing games with the youngest one because they blatantly cheat). The only thing I’ve come up with so far is Pictionary, which I loved as a kid.

    I’ve asked my sibling and their spouse what kinds of things the kids like, but the only answer I get is a list of random things they have saved in their Target shopping cart, so they’re no help.

    1. Defective Jedi*

      Check out Spot It and Pictureka. My niblings are similar ages and they have enjoyed both of those games.

      1. Childless*

        I like how those games are both simple, so the instructions are instantly understood, and no one can cheat. Also well within my budget. Thank you for the suggestions! :)

    2. Llellayena*

      Try Labyrinth. It’s all about path making so it’s not a huge skill difference for different ages and there’s no real chance for cheating because the entire board as well as the piece in play are in view the whole time. Also things like Pictionary where they can stay active (and laughing) and are dependent on individual interpretations. Hard to cheat in those without a partner.

      1. Childless*

        That’s so cool that the Labyrinth board game is different from the start every time, and it changes while you’re playing. I saw a Pokemon version and a Harry Potter version. How do I choose?!?! Thank you for the suggestion!

      2. Sloanicota*

        Wow you just reminded me I used to LOVE Labyrinth as a kid and I haven’t thought about it in years. I don’t usually like board games but that one clicked for me for whatever reason.

      3. Le le lemon*

        – Just played Labyrinth this past week with kids of this exact age – they loved it. (Especially trapping me). It was a favourite when I was a kid.
        – Blokkus is a good spatial awareness/shape one!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve had fun with Jenga with kids of multiple ages. It’s about stacking and removing blocks and impossible to cheat.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Check out a card game called Set. It’s pretty much equally challenging for kids and adults once everyone masters the (simple) rules. Definitely follow the game instructions to learn the rules first on the small deck of cards, and then move to the larger deck.

      1. Childless*

        This kind of reminds me of UNO because of the matching one element of the cards rule, but more complex because you have to match more cards. It looks fun! Thank you for the suggestion!

      1. Childless*

        I was just thinking of UNO when looking at Not A Manager’s card game suggestion. I haven’t played it in years, but I loved it as a kid and they still sell it. Now there’s a bunch of different versions of UNO that I’d never heard of before. Thank you for the suggestion!

      2. Brevity*

        I second this. Uno works for almost any age. My son works with K-5 children and Uno is his first go-to to get the kids to sit down and play together.

    7. Almost Academic*

      Depending on how well they play together / how much they get upset at each other during selection games, either Dixit or Apples to Apples kids could be fun.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I played Mexican Train dominos with my aunt, niece and nephew the last time I visited and it was a blast! There are tons of sets available online and the rules are quite easy. Each game lasts long enough to be fun but not drag on and on.

    9. MaxKitty*

      There is a card game called Sleeping Queens that all my nieces and nephews really enjoyed when they were young.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      Isle of Cats! You’re trying to save all the cats before a bad guy comes to your island by fitting them onto your boat game board like Tetris pieces. It’s really cute and I think it works well because it’s fun and cute for a smaller kid (my 6 year old usually just tries to get all of her favorite colored cats) but requires some strategizing so it’s still engaging as an adult.

      Hedbanz – basically a 20 questions “who am I” thing but with silly headbands. One of my kids gets embarrassed feeling stupid (tbh I don’t enjoy it either lol) but they find a lot of hilarity in watching adults guess.

    11. heckofabecca*

      Board games wise… Dixit for sure!

      However! I’ve had a LOT of fun with kids at the table when playing TTRPGs! There are many kid-friendly/focused TTRPGs out there. I don’t know any firsthand, but if you have a local game store, they might be able to help! Otherwise, I can ask for recs. I’ll try to check back tomorrow!

      (From personal experience: I played D&D with my niece when she was 6 (to be fair, she was a particularly literate six-y-o), and Mage over video when she was 9 or so. My BIL, an excellent storyteller and writer, led both games… I don’t know if *I’m* up to DMing ah a 6-y-o though!)

    12. Fellow Traveller*

      My kids are 5, 8, and 12 and games we all like playing together:
      -Skyjo (this is our current favorite)
      – Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza
      – Code Names (though the 5 year old isn’t great at this TBH)
      -Uno
      -King of Tokyo
      -Castle Panic

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        Oh one more thought on the games I listed because of the “not easy to cheat at” factor- Castle Panic is a colllaborative game so that might br a good option.
        Skyjo is played with all the cards out in the open, so that might also be a good option.

    14. IT Manager*

      Apples To Apples

      No cheating possible, it’s not skill or luck based but it is very fun, engenders conversations, and is great for multiple ages groups.

    15. Vanessa*

      Charades. You can diy or there are box charades with words and picture which is great if 6 is not a strong reader.

    16. Morning Reader*

      I don’t know about “kids these days” but when I was that age, my sibs and cousins played lots of card games. Maybe get a copy of Hoyle and learn a few? Rummy, gin rummy, spoons, hearts, go fish, spades, kings in the corner, war, euchre, oh hell, to name a few. If you want to buy something, a good shuffling machine helps. Or some little devices that hold cards (to help those with small hands.) I think my brother and I learned poker about that age too, but we only knew 5-card draw with 2s and 3s wild. (Vivid memories of my dad chuckling when he noticed us playing with all those wild cards, and my Baptist grandmother’s consternation when she found us playing cards at all, and on a Sunday!) It would be a good chance to teach and practice card etiquette, too; deal clockwise, offer cut to the right, rotating the deal, etc.

    17. Patty Mayonnaise*

      How about a cooperative game where everyone works towards the same goal? I would try Outfoxed (I think it is for 5 and up and though I think the 5 and 8 year old will enjoy it the most, I enjoy it as an adult so it is a crowd pleaser!). You can also try Forbidden Island – it will be challenging for the 5 year old but at that age my kid was happy to play with my husband and I and learn the strategy even though he wasn’t really contributing. We also love a game called Junior Detective (it’s basically Clue for kids) but that is not cooperative.

  44. AnonoDoc*

    Light, escapist movie recommendations for a VA doc who is super stressed and working 2.0 FTe due to understaffing (no, we do not t get over time or comp time!) and this past week has caused my own auto-immune condition to flare.

    1. ecnaseener*

      “Set it Up” — rom-com where two personal assistants try to get their bosses (Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs) to fall for each other.

    3. Ontariariario*

      It’s an older one (2001), but I love Amelie. I also found the Red Green Show on Tubi and it’s giving me a good laugh.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Jules, in which a spaceship crashes in an old man’s backyard. The people who ignored his various complaints to the planning commission re adding crosswalks and changing the town motto also ignore his complaint about this assault on his azalea bushes. So he has to figure out what to do with the alien himself, eventually helped by a couple of other seniors who realize he isn’t kidding about the azaleas.

      I’m not sure if it’s “light” so much as “joy,” but the best movie I watched this year was The Wild Robot. A robot crashes in the wilderness and tries to find someone to give it a task.

      1. AnonoDoc*

        We chose Jules and loved it!

        Of course the “doctor” was beyond bad, but the movie as a whole was lovely and just right.

        Thank you

    5. Hatchet*

      You’re asking for movies, but two TV shows some to mind that might work for what you want: Animal Control (especially the first season) and Going Dutch. Both a bit absurd… I had to mentally gloss over some of the “that would never fly in the real world” stuff. But good for some short bouts of escapism and laughs

      1. SansaStark*

        Animal Control is so funny. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just *entertaining* which is what I need right now.

    6. Six Feldspar*

      The Studio Ghibli movies – my personal faves are My Neighbour Totoro, Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle

      1. Blooper*

        I second Studio Ghibli films! I particularly like Castle in the Sky and Kiki’s Delivery Service

        1. AnonoDoc*

          LOL we’ve seen them all *and Princess Bride, of course) enough times to have memorized them. LOVE Ghibli!

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Taking a cue from the above board game thread, Labyrinth! For more romance, Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight are some of my favorite films. (The same characters appear in another movie, Waking Life, that is gentle and fascinating with the people discussing philosophy being surrounded by animated versions of what they’re saying.)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Fist bump to fellow fan of the Before movie trilogy. I wouldn’t call the second two films light or escapist, though.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Galaxy Quest is a fantastic movie in its own right, and definitely in my top 3 star trek movies :D

    10. Blooper*

      Sorry you’re having a tough time. I thought of the following movies because they are slower paced and gentle.

      • FLOW (2024)
      • Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2021)
      • Perfect Days (2023)

    11. Brevity*

      The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe
      Flawless — the one with Demi Moore and Michael Caine, not the one with Robert De Niro and Phillip Seymour Hoffmann (which is great, just not light)
      Soapdish
      Wishful Drinking
      The Royal Tenenbaums
      The Birdcage
      Get Shorty (lots of Gene Hackman here)
      Any Mel Brooks movie

    12. Six Feldspar*

      If you need something shorter, I love watching repair videos. LADB Restoration on youtube has a lot of videos about 15-20mins long, mostly vintage machines or farm equipment, with lovely shots of the French countryside and their cat and project manager Avril!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The Repair Shop, now on YouTube, is also a delight in the “Craftspeople fix things, bringing a little happiness into the world” sense.

    13. Camelid coordinator*

      Billy and Molly, on Disney, is a lovely documentary about the impact that taking care of orphan otter Molly has on the people around her. The Shetland scenery is gorgeous.

  45. Marie*

    First time home owner here. There is water when I run my washing machine and also water in front of my refrigerator. The fridge and washer are next to each other, but separated by a wall. I can’t move them by myself to investigate further. Should I call a plumber or appliance repair company? Or what should I do? Thank you in advance for any advice or recommendations.

    2. Morning Dew*

      Is there always water in front of the fridge when you always run the washing machine?

      It could be two different issues:

      (1) there is a leak in the water hose to the washer so you need a plumber to replace the hose (if the hose is plastic, you definitely need to replace with braided metal hose because plastic ones will crack and leak).

      (2) if there is water in front of the fridge when the washer is NOT running, there is a clog in the freezer drain hose. Open the freezer and see if there is an ice build up on the bottom of the freezer surface. I had this problem where there was a clog in the freezer drain line hose and ice started to build up when the water couldn’t drain properly during fridge/freezer non-running cycle. For this problem, you need an appliance repair person to replace the clogged freezer drain line.

    3. Sloanicota*

      Plumber is who I would call. I hate those situations where you’re not sure what kind of handyperson you need. But as a first time homeowner, I would add – don’t hesitate to bring in experts when it’s time … there’s always someone in my orbit claiming they would fix something themselves or that I can do it if I just start googling things. Lovely for them, and possibly true, but I’ve also learned a lot by – hiring experts and asking a lot of questions, and that way I feel more confident and secure. Trying to do everything myself may serve money but it also makes me jangly with anxiety so instead I focus on learning something every time so *next* time I won’t have to make the call.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Is the refrigerator hooked up to a water source, such as for a chilled water dispenser or an ice maker and dispenser?

    5. Six Feldspar*

      I had a similar issue and it turned out a little valve on the dishwasher needed to be replaced. Can you push a towel in front of both the dishwasher and the fridge and check if they’re getting wet at the same time? Or if it’s happening overnight? If you can source the leak you might be able to narrow down the type of tradie you need

  46. OaDC*

    I like Graham Greene quite a bit. His best known work is from the 1950s and though that is before I was born it still seems modern enough to me. Our Man in Havana is a well-done satire of intelligence operations in pre-Castro Cuba. The End of the Affair is a sublime book about, the end of a love affair. And one might take The Quiet American as a end of or post war novel about the U.S. in Vietnam. It was actually written in 1955 and is stuningly prescient.

    Many of the other authors you listed are quite a bit older than that. To me, the writing can be so different from how we communicate now that it can be very difficult to grasp what the author is getting at, which is very frustrating. So it’s not about what the novel has to say to the modern reader, it’s whether it is worth the effort to ascertain what it is saying.

  47. Person from the Resume*

    I’ve got to replace my current laptop. I have been decided on a Chromebook for a while.

    I barely use the laptop but there are a few occasions where I want a larger screen than my phone. I pretty much use Gmail and google docs now. And canva web page for making images once a month.

    But then I recently entered some account info in a google doc to keep track and I suddenly got nervous about saving it in google. I’d rather keep it on my hard drive, though I know it can be hacked too. And google docs really forces you yo save online. You can download it and delete it and then upload it again (I guess) to update it.

    What are your thoughts about financial or account info on google? Should I get a Chromebook or another MS. computer with document editor so I can save to my own hard drive for a few files?

    1. Pickles*

      Are you listing account numbers or just tracking a budget? Thin k about what a hacker could do either your budget? Not much

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Writing out account numbers so that I have them in one place. And have full numbers.

        I’ve noticed a lot of documents just have partials which more secure but doesn’t provide the full number of if need to reference it.

    2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      I would never trust financial information to the cloud. Basic budgeting, sure. Asset tracking, no way.

  48. Windows 11 webcam*

    Here’s another basic Windows 11 question. I can’t figure out how to turn on the webcam as I realize every time it should be looking at my face on the lock screen, and today when I was invisible on Zoom. I’ve tried doing what google’s AI says to do — Settings / Privacy / Camera, but I don’t see what I can change there. This laptop does have an IR camera, that was something I checked before buying it.

    1. Double A*

      This sounds rude but…does it have a built in cover that you perhaps haven’t noticed? I didn’t notice my laptop had one for a good year and a half. It’s very subtle.

      1. Roland*

        This is my suggestion also. I had the same problem and I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time until a friend in IT asked me this. Just a small physical switch at the top of the screen.

          1. Double A*

            It makes me so happy to read how many other people have done this. You feel so stupid when you figure it out but…that cover is not obvious at all!

      2. Msd*

        Yup. I was taking on online class and had to tell the professor my camera was broken. I had spent a LOT of time researching how to get it to work. One day the light just happened to hit a certain way and I noticed what looked like a tiny little slide. Slid it over and eureka the camera worked. I don’t know why the very first thing on all the “my camera isn’t working” responses isn’t “check if the slide is closed”

        1. Chaordic One*

          I never knew about these little slides until I got a new laptop at work 2 or 3 months ago. I had a post-it note taped over the camera lens, but was then informed about the slide by one of the techs.

    1. Esprit de l'escalier*

      There are zillions of non-soup recipes for red lentils — try googling “masoor dal” or just go with “red lentils” and you will see soooo many recipes! They will usually be vegan unless they call for ghee (but I use olive oil). The recipes usually call for a variety of Indian/East Asian spices which by now I have, but if you’re just starting with that cuisine, I think you could manage with garam masala and/or curry powder.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’ll dig up some recipes, but red lentils cook to mush in about ten minutes and soak up whatever flavours they’re cooked in. I put them in porridge in winter for extra protein, they also disappear into pasta sauces and casseroles, and when they’ve been cooked and cooled you can add them to bread dough.

    5. BellStell*

      Lentils.org has lots of recipes. I cook mine and then mix with rice that has been cooked separately and make like a burrito by adding sri racha and avocado in a tortilla.

    6. Bluebell Brenham*

      There’s a Bon Appetit recipe from Sohla that has zucchini and red lentil patties that looks good. I may even make it this week.

    7. Dipping sauce*

      We use them in sauces all the time. Also, cooking them to mush of various consistencies gets you anything from soup to dip to a spread for bread. We like to dose it with Indian spices, for example, and dip roasted potatoes and other root veggies in it. Or same treatment but thicker for a bread topping.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Ahhh, I have a red lentil recipe but it’s at home! Will see if I can locate it tonight.

    9. carcinization*

      Budget Bytes has an amazing Vegan Lentil Bolognese recipe… I say this as a person who is not vegan, in case that is helpful info!

  50. Harlowe*

    Has anyone found a happy medium between “my keyboard and mouse look like I just dug them out of the ground” and “my hands are cracking from constant washing and lack of lotion”? I cannot seem to be both happily moisturized and maintain clean computer peripherals.

    Even my silicone keyboard cover quickly gets grease spots that seep through to the underside. I had no idea my fingertips were so oily.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      For different reasons (I haaate the feeling of moisturiser on my hands when I’m trying to work) I’ve been slathering my hands just before bed and putting cotton gloves on, so it all soaks in overnight.

      There’s also “barrier creams” designed for tradies and similar which are meant to form a protective layer over your skin, with ingredients like paraffin or similar. I used one before I painted my porch and it seemed to help the paint come off my hands more easily. You could try them once in the morning to protect your hands through the day instead of moisturising every now and then.

      If changing what you do for your hands isn’t an option, can you make it a habit to wipe down your keyboard and mouse regularly? Eg at the end of the day as a finishing with work ritual?

    2. heckofabecca*

      Cotton moisturizing gloves might be helpful! They’re popular for slathering moisturizer on overnight, but you could just wear them without lotion, or with a bit of lotion… there are many that are touchscreen friendly as well.

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      You can keep just the backs of your hands moisturized during the work day; imperfect but better than nothing.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        That’s what I do! I hate the feeling of moisturiser on the inner side of my hand and thus put moisturiser only on the outer sides and then spread it around outer side to outer side on both hands. Works for me and I can easily pick up and use stuff whilst having freshly moisturised hands :)

    4. SofiaDeo*

      Put the lotion or cream on the back of a hand, not including the fingers. Rub the other hand backside until it’s smeared around on the large sections of the hand backs. Then use the palm to rub up&down the top of fingers/cuticles and the inside of fingers up to, but not including, the fingertips. You don’t need to moisturize the actual fingertips as much. They don’t sweat or grow hair, the skin is thicker. You can rub lotion on them at night before bed or other times you aren’t using your fingertips for things like typing.

    5. allathian*

      I have to say that my fingers are so dry that moisturizing my hands every time I wash them is absolutely necessary. I use a light, unscented lotion at work, and just rubbing my hands for a while afterwards ensures that my fingers don’t leave any residue on the keyboards that are in public use. The one at home is in my personal use only, so if it’s a bit crummy, nobody cares. I certainly don’t unless it’s so dirty that it feels like my fingers are slipping off the keys or sticking to them…

  51. What's on your TBR list?*

    The list on my library wish list grows every week thanks to the weekly “What are you reading?” question here. I’d love to know about books you’ve heard of that you haven’t read yet and intend to–a look ahead rather than a look back.

    A couple on my list from the nonfiction side:

    The Light Eaters by Zoë Schlanger on plant intelligence, thanks to reading an interview with her in Emergence Magazine.

    The Serviceberry: Abundance and Reciprocity in the Natural World, by Robin Wall Kimmerer. I’ve listened to her reading the original post that inspired the book. I’m in a loooong wait list at my local library!

    On the fiction side I’m continuing with several series I found thanks to this space. It’s also time to circle back around to catch up on the Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire and some others.

    What’s a book you’ve heard about that you’re looking forward to?

    1. Inky Fingers*

      Robin Wall Kimmerer’s first book, Sweetgrass is much better than Serviceberry—the new one is more like an extended essay.

      I’m looking forward to Colored Television—“A brilliant dark comedy about second acts, creative appropriation, and the racial identity-industrial complex,” and James, which the library might get to me by the end of the year, the wait list is so long! (If I bought all the books I read, my house would look like a hoarders and I’d be broke!)

    2. GoryDetails*

      A few I’m looking forward to:

      The deluxe-edition hardcover of Swordheart by T. Kingfisher, due out at the end of February. I love the book, and the fancy edition is very tempting.

      The Survivor Wants To Die at the End by Adam Silvera, due out in May. It’s a follow-on to the marvelous/heartbreaking They Both Die at the End, and while it sounds more techno-thriller than personal love-and-death story I will definitely get it.

      With a Vengeance by Riley Sager, due out in June. I’ve enjoyed several of Sager’s twisty thrillers and this one, set on a train, sounds intriguing.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Heh, my list is a mile long! Current add-ons include:

      Nonfiction

      Make Your Own Job by Erik Baker. A look at how the “everyone can be a millionaire if they want to” mentality and how it contributes to our toxic work culture

      Fiction

      Mona Acts Out by Mischa Berlinsky. A middle aged actor on the brink of playing Shakespeare’s Cleopatra flees her house on Thanksgiving morning.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I just learned that a sequel to Killers of a Certain Age, Kills Well with Others, is coming out in March.

      On my library pile is In Praise of Good Bookshops.

  52. Elizabeth West*

    I made my favorite tomato soup recipe a week ago. Yay! However, blending the hot soup in a regular blender is an unpleasant and messy chore, and I had added carrots that didn’t get blended smooth so it’s got little bits in it that annoy me. My blender is getting old — I think what I need is an immersion blender. I have questions, please!

    Does anyone know of a good brand of immersion blender that doesn’t cost a lot of money? The blogger whose recipe it is said she uses a Cuisinart one — I do have some Cuisinart pans, and they’re pretty solid. Are their appliances good?

    How difficult are they to clean? Are they like milk frothers, where you put them in and then press a button? I’ve never used one before. Thanks in advance.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I have a Waring immersion blender. (A gift, so don’t know relative cost.) It works really well for pureeing–used it on carrot soup last week. To clean I just run it under the faucet immediately after use.

      Much easier than pouring back and forth to a blender.

    2. HannahS*

      I have a Cuisinart one and I like it. I always prefer an immersion blender over an upright one. I find it tidier.

      1. HannahS*

        Sorry, to answer your actual question, yes you stick it in and hold down a button on the handle. I find it easy enough to clean, as long as I clean it right away before any crud dries.

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      Cuisinart stick blender owner here! You stick the business end into the pot and hold down a button and move it around to blend everything. Cleaning is super simple if you immediately run it in something like a tall glass of warm soapy water; the trick is to never let anything dry onto it.

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          Probably? I’ve never tried (have a vitamix.) Depends how thick, these aren’t as powerful as full size blenders. I wouldn’t think they could handle frozen fruit or that kind of thing

        2. Roland*

          This will depend on the brand. It won’t be as good as a full sized blender or even a bullet style though, and probably won’t be great for the motor over time.

        3. HannahS*

          Depends. If it’s frozen fruit and liquid yes, but I wouldn’t count on it for greens or ice cubes.

        4. Zona the Great*

          I used mine for smoothies and then once decided to add pitted lychee to my smoothie and the consistency of the lychee killed my immersion blender. If it is a big task or one with a material like lychee, I’d still go for a blender or food processor.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      I love my stick blender, with a couple of notes:
      – brand doesn’t seem to matter so much, but make sure you get one where the blending part can be detached from the power part – much less stressful to clean! Mine is part of a set with a stick blender, whisk and little food processor and you swap out the power part for each
      – if you’re blending a pot of soup for example, make sure it’s cold or at least room temperature and keep the blending part well below the surface (guess how I learnt this lesson… At least the kitchen got a deep clean…)

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yes, mine doesn’t come apart, and one time I didn’t notice the usual “spin it in warm soapy water” hadn’t quite done the trick, and now it seems like there’s … no way to get that stuff out? The spin part is riveted on to the stick part and the schmutz is wrapped around the stick part and won’t come off for love or money (it was something fibrous like pumpkin IIRC).

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Same holds true for regular blenders–a lid, steam build up and green soup = GUESS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE WALLS.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got an off-brand one from Amazon (that includes the regular blender head, a mini chopper, and a whisk head) for about $30, four years ago, and I’ve been very happy with it.

      But be careful with the cleaning – as I recall, Alison did a number on her hand with hers a couple years back. (I put all the parts of mine that don’t have an electrical cord attached in the dishwasher personally, because I am fretful about sharp things anyway.)

        2. Jill Swinburne*

          I remember that! Now whenever I use mine, I turn it off at the wall AND unplug it the moment it’s not in the pot.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            That’s what I do with all my small appliances — toaster oven/air fryer thing, electric kettle, blender. I’m scared to leave them plugged in, especially if I’m not home. Once I missed my bus because I couldn’t remember if I’d unplugged the kettle and went back in to check. Halfway down the stairs, I heard it wheeze at the corner and was like, welp, next bus then.

      2. Buni*

        I fill a deep jug with hot soapy water and ‘blend’ that a few times – definitely while it’s still wet, don’t let the crud dry.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      I have a proctor-silex I bought one Black Friday at Shopko for $5! And it’s great. Super easy to clean, just immerse it in some soapy water and turn it on!

    7. Anono-me*

      I make a pureed soup the includes carrots.

      The carrots usually take longer than everything else. So I nuke the carrots for a few minutes while I am assembling the rest of the soup. That makes them easier to puree when everything else is ready.

      To clean my one piece stick blender, I run the blender in warm soapy water in the measuring cup that came with it. It just takes a few moments. But it needs to be done right away. (If you wait until the soup dries on the blender, cleaning can become difficult.)

      Seconding the recommendations to let the soup cool a little, and keep the blade low completely under the soup. Also make sure the soup container is resting on a stable base. Basically make sure to pay attention to the safety portion on the manual.

      I’ve used a few, a quality stick blender handles nicer and is quicker to use (and probably longer lasting), but the cheap ones got most of the jobs done well enough.

    8. WellRed*

      I like my cuisinart stick blender ok but I honestly have a hard time blending some things if I need them smooth. I may not be strong enough (or patient enough ; ) carrots? I won’t even attempt. It’d be easier to clean if you could detach the stick and blade part.

    9. Time for Tea*

      Just to throw in a curveball, do you have soup makers where you are? I’ve just used mine for the second time ever and am singing its praises to the world. It’s a combination of a an electric kettle and blender and has two short programmes, one for smooth soup, one for chunky, that take 21 and 28 minutes respectively. We’ve just had an amazing broccoli and Stilton soup for lunch with very little effort compared to cooking it and then blending it by hand (using an immersion blender).

        1. Time for Tea*

          I’ll just say again that this was only my second time playing with the soup maker so it’s very much a work in progress at the minute!

          Soup maker is a basic version with a 1600ml maximum capacity (4 good portions) and no sauté or other fancy functions.

          I put a drop of olive oil in the base and wiped round to stop anything from sticking or burning at the bottom. Then chopped up (all veg to a small dice) a small onion, 2 small to medium potatoes (skin on), a small leek and a head of broccoli including the stalk, adding it all to the soup maker pot until the veg came to just under the fill line. Added in some crushed garlic, salt and black pepper and then filled with enough vegetable stock to again fill to a bit below the maximum, about 3.5 cups this time. Gave it all a stir. Considered adding some herbs or spices but decided not to on this occasion, might next time. Popped the lid on, set it to smooth and left it to it.

          Came back 21 minutes later to soup! Stirred in 125 grams/5 ounces of chopped/crumbled Stilton and a 150ml pot of double cream (I think whipping cream would be the US equivalent) and served up.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I looked it up and those are available online. I don’t make soup that often, however, and I guess that will have to wait until I have a larger kitchen. Every cupboard in here is full and I have almost NO counter space (they remodel each apartment as people move out — this entails removing all the old cabinets and installing new ones, but fewer).

    10. Not A Manager*

      I love my immersion blender but in my experience, it never gets any soup perfectly smooth. If I want a smooth, velvety texture, I’m much better off using my standing blender. I have a drug store model that was quite inexpensive and it still does better than my immersion blender for a full puree.

      I have the Kitchenaid brand immersion blender. It has a stick blender blade and a whisk blade. They are exchangeable and remove for cleaning. I think it also came with a small container you can make smoothies in, but I don’t remember. I use the immersion blender to “self-thicken” chunky soups that you would otherwise have to thicken with a roux or corn starch, and to make a pureed soup that still has some texture and mouthfeel, like mushroom soup. I use the whisk attachment for anything that needs to be whisked for a long time in a double boiler. It’s also good for polenta.

    11. *daha**

      The Cuisinart brand has been relying on their old reputation to market ordinary merchandise. What they sell is not bad, but it is overpriced for the quality it delivers.

    12. Alex*

      I have the cuisinart immersion blender, have had it for at least a decade, and it’s still going strong. It is the style that also came with the little mini chopper, which is nice too.

      I clean it by whizzing it in a cup of soapy water, checking it visually for any debris (and picking it out) and then giving it a rinse. It helps if you wash it right away and don’t let it sit with dried food on it :)

      I use it alllllll the time. Soups, smoothies, sauces, dressings…

    13. Indolent Libertine*

      PS The “bits” of carrot were likely due to their being not quite cooked enough to be fully pureed, rather than your blender not being up to the job. You can always put the soup back in the blender (I know, what a chore, including cleaning it again) and whirl it around some more; if you’re inclined to do that I think I’d simmer it for another 10 minutes or so to get the carrots softer than they got the first time.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You’re probably right. I may either nuke them before I put them in the soup or leave them out entirely next time.

  53. Just a name*

    Question about iPhone’s emergency sos thing. Today my FIL somehow activated an emergency SOS call. My husband is listed as his emergency contact (instead of his wife) and he’s received multiple notifications. We are a 5 hour flight away, btw. Is it that the FIL somehow activated it once and it tracked him down the road as he was driving or did he accidentally activate it more than once? We checked after the first notification (not immediately because we didn’t have the phone on us). and they said it was nothing so no worries. We just haven’t had a need to know how those things work before. If it was just the one thing, that isn’t a big deal, but if he was accidentally triggering it multiple time we may need to chat. Sorry if this is a simple thing but we are already a bit concerned about his 84 yo mental state.

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I can’t speak to Apple, but I once accidentally did this on my Galaxy and it notified all of my ICE contacts. Ooops. I think I hit the side keys 6 times in a row or something. I googled how to go in and activate it or change the SOS settings to it wouldn’t happen again (I got a LOT of phone calls and texts from ICE contacts while I was in my car and I was very confused as I hadn’t realized what had happened). I think figure out if you want to have that feature for him and how it works and if you want to continue to use it for your FIL. Good luck!

      1. Just a name*

        Thanks! We will see him in a few weeks. I’m usually asked to fix all their IT issues whenever we see them.

    2. Jules the First*

      If you got multiple notifications after you checked in with him on his device, he likely activated it multiple times. If you didn’t check in with him on that device (say, you called his wife), the extra notifications could just have been him changing locations.

      1. Just a name*

        That was it. The Mr. was out running and got multiple notifications while he didn’t have his phone with him.

  54. Podcast recommendations*

    Looking for new podcasts! my go-tos are Scary Interesting, True, Mr. Ballen Medical Mysteries, and Normal Gossip. True crime is ok if there’s something weird about it, as in Unsolved Mysteries.

  55. Morning Reader*

    I’m scheduled for knee replacement surgery in March and I’ve heard recommendations to use an ice machine during recovery. Anyone have suggestions on types, brands, where to get one, whether to buy or rent, and so on? I can’t picture quite how they work. (Very nervous about having surgery but not looking for medical advice; commiseration, shared experiences welcome.)

    1. Maestra*

      I had ankle surgery last year and the doctor prescribed a cold therapy device that I basically rented for two weeks while I was in a cast. It did not use ice, but some water solution (I assume it wasn’t just pure water, but I never needed to refill it, so I didn’t look too closely at the bottle). It was delivered a few days before my surgery and came with a thing I had to bring with me to surgery that they put under my cast. Once I was home and connected to the device, it was on a cycle that my doctor had recommended, I think 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off. I didn’t have to think about or keep track of time. Mine was from a company called Sterling and it was called NICE1.

      I felt like it made a huge difference for me and was very glad to have gotten it since it was not covered by insurance. I think it cost me something like $250 for two weeks.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I used one after my shoulder surgery last month. I had to use it continuously 48 hours after surgery, and it really helped with the swelling. I was sent home with one after the surgery; you might check with your surgeon if that will be the case for you as well. One tip – freeze bottles of water to use in the machine, much easier than making loads of ice cubes.

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      When my son had ACL surgery they sent him home with a Donjoy IceMan unit. They provided it for us, so ask your doctor about that. You can also buy them. It was great. We had to dump some of the water and refill it with ice and cold water every 24 hours or so (we used a combination of ice and those hard cooler packs we kept rotating in and out of the freezer).

      It’s a great device, very cool how it works, and it kept the swelling way down. It definitely helps if you have someone to help you with it, especially in the early days.

    4. crookedglasses*

      I’m supporting a friend through hip surgery recovery now and she’s got an ice machine in use. One tip – use frozen water bottles rather than loose ice to cook the water in the machine. That makes it way easier to swap out when you need new ice. Good luck!

    5. Anon57*

      Some people are saying buy instead of rent, but my mom hated her ice machine and only used it once I think. so maybe rental is better than buying. best of luck!

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I would also wonder if that is something that might be sourced through social media, or maybe the OP has friends of friends who have had one because of a knee replacement and wouldn’t mind lending it out.

    6. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Had my second knee replacement in September – first one was five years ago. LOVED LOVED LOVED the ice machine. I borrowed it from a friend so I didn’t have to pay for it, although I did replace the pad because the Velcro straps stopped working well. It was a Polar Product, although there are several that look basically the same. The only issue I’d have with renting would be those straps because they seem to lose their “stickiness” fairly quickly. I would have happily bought it if my friend hadn’t offered so I didn’t look into renting. I slept much better with that because it could cycle on and off for at least four hours before the frozen water bottles melted. The first time I woke up at least every hour and had to send my husband downstairs for a new ice pack.

      The other thing that made the second one much, much easier was that I had a recliner. Five years ago we didn’t own a recliner so I was either in an armchair with an ottoman or in bed. Both were very difficult for various reasons. We now own two recliners, one in our bedroom and one in my study – so glad we had them even though that’s not why we bought them.

      During the first two weeks remember that it does get better. Take the pain meds on a schedule and take something to help with your bowels. Do the exercises as best you can and hang in there. We are currently on a plane for a once-in-a-lifetime vacation that will include hiking and kayaking and I can do those things because of what my husband calls my bionic knees.

      1. A Cautionary Tale*

        Be careful with “something to help with your bowels.” If you have not had a general anaesthetic and are not taking narcotics, you may not need it. (MIL just had knee surgery and stopped taking her cholestyramine, which helps firm stools, but she had spinal anaesthetic and didn’t wind up taking narcotics and did have some bad diarrhea. YMMV.)

    7. Morning Reader*

      Thanks all for the good advice and solidarity. I think I’ll buy one, probably will need the other knee done down the road anyway. It’s very encouraging to hear about good outcomes! Hoping to get another decade or two of striding about.

  56. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Most cold therapy machines consist of a cooler filled with ice and water connected to a pad or wrap via a hose. This pad is then applied directly to the knee

    Once the machine is turned on, it pumps cold water from the cooler through the hose to the pad, enveloping the knee in soothing, continuous cold.

    better to purchase than rent. get one online or at local medical supply store.

  57. Life Resets At 65*

    How do you celebrate Groundhog Day? I’m looking for ideas because it’s also the anniversary of my independence.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t do anything. However, shall toss out:
      • Take it literally, and celebrate with sausage.
      • Take it in the groundhog spirit, and look for your shadow.
      • Take it in the metaphor spirit, and marathon something you have already watched.

      In today’s Arlo and Janis comic, I learned that this started as Candlemas, the 40th day after Christmas and last of the Christmas feast days, and was imported to the US and Canada by German immigrants.

    2. WestSideStory*

      It’s also St. Bridgid’s day, you might look that up. Certain art forms for that. And, for those of the Catholic persuasion, Candlemass. Candles are blessed and it’s encouraged to light a candle and meditate on it. Both of these are minor celebrations of the growing back of the light.

      happy Independence Day to you!

    4. bay scamp*

      Went to an Imbolc ritual this evening, which was a new experience! It happened to be held like a block away from where I live and was free, so hey, why not!

  58. StudentA*

    Would you leave your kids with a close friend who has struggled with mental health issues? Assume the kids like this friend. I’m talking like one really long day or overnight. Would it make a difference if the friend is a parent themselves?

    1. Generic Name*

      This is very vague. What do you mean by “mental health issues”? That could mean anything from mild anxiety that is well controlled through medication/therapy to actively in the midst of a psychotic break/manic episode.

      Also, it doesn’t matter what anyone else would do. What matters is your personal assessment of the situation and if your kids will be safe/have a good time. If a friend wants your kids to spend the whole day with them, and you have reservations, you are not obligated to do what your friend wants. It doesn’t matter if the reason is mental health.

    2. Details*

      The answer to this depends entirely on the details. What kind of mental health stuff? How did that present itself? How long ago? How are they now? How old are the kids? How far away am I? How reachable will I be? And on and on….

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah. Depression or anxiety can be really garden variety, under control, no reason the person cannot look after their own kids, your kids, a roomful of first graders.

        Or the person can demonstrate poor judgment. Which, even if it’s the ‘fault’ of the illness: no.

    4. Peregrine*

      This is much too vague. I have mental health issues. 99.9% of the time I’d be great with kids, the last 0.1% I’d probably be annoyed or depressed but the kids would be fine. Other types of mental health issues could result in much worse outcomes. Some people should never be alone with kids. It also depends on if the person is up on their therapy/meds/treatment methods, or if they’re in the midst of a crisis. If you’re worried, don’t do it.

    5. Oatmeal*

      Has this friend tended the kids for more than a few hours in the past? If not, no. Overnight is much too long to start an experiment.

      Also: what others here said. What kind of struggles does matter. And i say that with my own struggles.

      Lastly: if the kids are under 10, i would say no. If something goes wrong you want them to be old enough to call 911.

    6. Double A*

      I mean, my husband struggles with mental health issues. I leave my kids with him all the time. But like everyone else here says, it entirely depends on what you are concerned about.

    7. StudentA*

      I didn’t specify details because I really am curious about the topic outside of this particular situation.

      In this instance, the friend is a good person, but is often anxious, phobic, withdrawn, depressive and a negative thinker. She loves kids and is a good parent to her own kids. But it’s clear they both have mood problems. Our friends leave kids with them for a few hours, but I’ve noticed they never leave kids with them overnight like they do with other friends.

      If it were me, I would leave my kids with her overnight. I am just curious what others thought.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think “good person” is doing a lot of work there. Someone could be cheating on their taxes and their spouse, and in a petty workplace dispute, and not pick up after their dog, and as a fellow parent I know none of these things, and they would have no impact on how I felt about my kids playing with them for a few hours. Even if any of those indicates that they are a “bad person.”

        Meanwhile the guy fired from the summer camp because someone said “Hand me that ax” and he thought “Hey it would be really funny if I threw it at them!” and then did so, and only then realized “Oh hey whoa, that could have gone badly! I didn’t think of that. Totally didn’t mean to hurt anyone!”? He should not have been in charge of any kids, because he could be the super nicest person and yet has bad judgment.

        In naming guardians for our kids, I realize we went with the relatives who are really solid at coping with stuff. We were closer, emotionally and politically, to other relatives–but “I can deal when life is raining” is what we wanted there.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Also, as someone in frail physical health: I can pull it together to get through a lot of things for a few hours. Double that, or make it all day, and I start to falter physically. I think the same can be true of people who struggle mentally–they can’t keep extending the cope out another 15 minutes indefinitely.

      3. Observer*

        because I really am curious about the topic outside of this particular situation.

        Yeah. The most important thing is that the *particulars* don’t just matter, they are pretty much everything.

        “They are a good person” is table stakes. Without that nothing else matters. But that’s not close to being enough. It’s hard tell from your description, but I’m not sure that I would be comfortable leaving younger children with them overnight.

        “anxious, phobic, withdrawn” is a mix that can be pretty toxic to kids. So a lot depends also on the age of the kids and how much independence they have.

    8. Observer*

      Would it make a difference if the friend is a parent themselves?

      Nope.

      The others are right. The details matter here, but this is the one thing that’s not really relevant.

    9. Forensic13*

      For me it would depend on whether it’s a question “should I ask this friend to babysit” or “is it okay for my kids to attend a sleepover with her kids?” If I’m asking favors, I’d probably avoid adding more stress, especially if the friend has issues with theat. And then “are my kids old enough/informed enough to be able to communicate with me if they have any issues?” Because the real question is the person’s actions and whether your kids feel comfortable, I would say. If the kids aren’t old enough/able to tell me, then I wouldn’t leave them with anybody I thought might be more volatile, whether it’s the friend with diagnosed mental health issues, the friend who drinks too much more often than I like and overshares, or the friend who’s nice but freaks out about cleanliness in their home.

  59. Bibliovore*

    Bookgroup question
    I am leading a community book group discussion on zoom (the book is Heaven and Earth Grocery Store)
    I have never done one on-line before.
    I don’t know how many people.
    I have lead book discussions before but not with “civilians.”
    Any advice- Zoom etiquette? (may I ask people to turn off their video if they are multitasking?)
    Should I put a round robin of names in the chat for comment?
    Should I call on people to speak or ask the person who is speaking to call on the next person?
    Should there be timed shares?

    Are there book discussion questions you hate and why?

    I dislike when people summarize the book plot- supposedly we have all read it- on they other hand do people want a 3 minute summary.

    I dread having no comments- in person it is easier to read if someone is holding back or disagrees with a point.

    1. Clara Bowe*

      I’ve run an online book club for a few years now and here are a few take aways:

      – wait more time than you are comfy with after you ask a discussion question. It is tempting to fill silence, but give at LEAST 30 seconds to wait for people to chime in.
      – if you can, forward some of the discussion questions before the meeting to get people thinking. Some discussions/questions will pop up naturally, but especially in an online environment, it is good to give people prep, even if they don’t use it.
      – in the same way you do for any online meeting, set boundaries at the start, whatever they might be. Ex “We are here to discuss X, lets try to keep related recommendations for the end, please mute yourself when not speaking, let’s please use the “raise hand” option to keep things fair, we are set to end at Y time and I can/can’t stay after…, etc.”
      – If you are new to the group and don’t have a sense of how everyone would feel being asked to speak, I would recommend not doing it and instead offering a protected and built in “We’ve had some good insights! I want to throw out some time for thoughts from people who may not have shared anything yet. Any comments or interesting reactions to the book from those of you who haven’t shared?” or similar. And, again, leave more time than is comfy for people to talk. And if they don’t, that’s ok!
      – As for my favorite question, “Did anyone have a strong reaction to this book? Good, bad, or indifferent?” It is kind of like “Did we like this?” but with leaving room for people who didn’t or who didn’t have much of a reaction.
      – Remember, there should be room for fun in book discussions! You are allowed to have a good time too!

      Hope that helps!

    2. Higher-ed Jessica*

      I suggest going around and giving everyone a chance to talk, then if there’s more time the discussion can become general. And you don’t have to be super strict about it, people can comment on what one person says, as long as you keep it moving so everyone has a turn in the time you have.

      Also, if you are doing that, in person it’s natural to go around the table, but on zoom there’s no common order, so I find it helpful to say a few people at a time, instead of just one–like now we’ll hear from Amy, then Beth, and then Carl. That way people know when their turn is coming up and can gather their thoughts and not be taken by surprise.

      I would have some discussion prompts ready in case things flag, but hopefully you won’t need them.

    3. Higher-ed Jessica*

      Also, taking advantage of a zoom feature, you could start with a quick poll on how everyone liked the book.

  60. 653-CXK*

    CPAP question (bumping for Heffalump)…

    There was some discussion of sleep apnea and CPAPs a couple weeks ago, and someone raised a concern that a CPAP might be noisy. My ResMed AirSense 11 is extremely quiet.

    (Ed. note: I agree. I have the same machine as Heffalump, and it is very quiet. My Philips Respironics, not so much.)

  61. Tammy 2*

    I am very late, but have to recommend Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk for your (and anyone else with a similar reading wheelhouse) literary mystery kick. It’s so good!

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