weekend open thread – February 1-2, 2025

by Alison Green on February 1, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Case Histories, by Kate Atkinson. After loving Liz Moore’s Long Bright River, I wanted more literary fiction mysteries where the character development gets as much attention as the plot. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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{ 546 comments }

{ 546 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    Reply ↓
    3. Valancy Stirling*

      I got the keys to my new apartment! I’m going from a studio to a three bedroom, and I’m so excited.

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    5. Six Feldspar*

      1. Getting a haircut (left it about three weeks too long around the Christmas rush)
      2. Making a strawberry daiquiri at home – never had one before but it came together in all of a minute and tasted like a cold boozy glass of strawberry jam in the best way possible
      3. It’s set to be 36c/97f or higher over the next three days, but inside my house with the blinds and fans it’s a beautiful 17c/63f. I haven’t even turned on the aircon yet!

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    7. GoryDetails*

      Discovered a new-to-me BBQ place *and* a new Little Free Library within a few blocks of each other, and managed to drop some books, buy some BBQ, and get home again before the rain-turned-to-snow started.

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      1. allathian*

        That’s also my joy!

        I’m also no longer effectively housebound by our icy drive. It’s no longer icy, even if we should have snow this time of year.

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    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      After being sick last week I filled this week up with activities, both social and active! Highlight would probably be first cross country ski of the season last nice on some nice fresh snow :)

      Reply ↓
    10. Shakti*

      As I wait for the school bus with my daughter you can see the sun starting to rise and hear the birds chirping! It makes me (very much not a morning person) enjoy the morning

      Reply ↓
    12. BellStell*

      There are a lot of birds coming to eat the seed variety I have put out on my balcony. The ice has melted in the drive at my apartment. My indoor tomatoes are growing and now the size of marbles. I am re reading the Southern Vampire series of Charlaine Harris. I am not watching or reading any news instead based on a recommendation here I read ALDaily (arts and letters daily) and IFLscience and other science websites. I mailed a gift to a friend today. My word of the year is Emerge and I am beginning to feel excited for spring.

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    13. WorkNowPaintLater*

      The sun finally peeked out so I got to walk to my favorite coffee establishment. Their current seasonal drink is a raspberry mocha latte. Which was amazing.

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    14. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I was thinking of starting a Little Free Library but concerned my neighborhood already had too many. Then a neighbor suggested a Little Free Art Gallery instead and now I’m really excited about that idea!

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    16. The Dude Abides*

      Ran into someone from a prior “that place” that I hadn’t seen since I left, and we got to catch up and reconnect over a mutual loathing of “that place.”

      He was coaching his daughter’s intramural basketball team (2nd/3rd) and I was there to watch my daughter play (K/1st).

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    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      That is Sophie, mother of Wallace! On a blanket I crocheted last month, threw my back out while making, and still have not recovered from. But at least the blanket is finished!

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      2. Honey Badger*

        I once crocheted a beautiful baby blanket for a baby shower and used such beautiful yarn and trim. I left it on my bed while I was getting ready, came in, and my cat had chewed it partially up :( It took me weeks to make lol.

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      3. old curmudgeon*

        So sorry to hear about your back, Alison! If you’re still hurting a month later and haven’t yet seen a medical provider, I’d encourage you to make an appointment. They’ll probably send you for PT, which I fully agree is no fun, but it will more than likely resolve whatever is making your muscles are unhappy.

        And Sophie is magnificent as always, of course! Is it strange that I’ve gotten to the point where I can identify your cats by name without “cheating” (hovering the cursor over the photo to see whose name comes up)? I recognized Her Majesty the minute I saw the photo, though she looks like she’s a tiny bit more svelte than the last photo I saw. Give her a chin-scritch for me, please!

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        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          It’s been over a month! I’ve been working with a fantastic physical therapist (who comes to my house, which makes her even more fantastic) and I am slowly getting better but I’m so over it and can’t believe it’s still going on. From making a blanket! Ridiculous. (I did buy a gaming pillow to use while crocheting in the future though, so hopefully this won’t happen again.)

          Sophie accepts your admiration as her due.

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          1. old curmudgeon*

            Funny, my physical therapist recommended that I use a gaming pillow for reading and knitting because both were killing my shoulders and back! It does make a big difference, though I have to fight with my cats over whether I get to use it myself or if it’s just going to be a giant cat-bed wrapped around my middle. I’ll give you one guess who usually wins…

            Reply ↓
            1. LemonTaffy*

              speaking of giant cat beds, my cat currently has the biggest bed I’ve ever bought. I got a couch from Habitat for Humanity and had it cleaned to put in my spare room. Total cost: $320. He has claimed the back of it for his own, squishing the back support down on both sides to the point where I can’t sit comfortably on the couch.

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      4. JF*

        gorgeous blanket (and stunning Sophie, of course! :-) )

        any chance you could share name of pattern? I’d like to try – blanket looks very warm and cozy)

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        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          No pattern — the whole thing is just hdc blo (half double crochet, back loop only), which produces ribbing as you go. And I used Wool-Ease Thick & Quick yarn in Hudson Bay, which changes color as you go. It does make a very heavy blanket so I would stick with throw blanket size if I were doing it again; I went bigger and it is massive!

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          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I have done horrible back things while sleeping. There is NOTHING your back will not suddenly decide to take personally.

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    2. Jill Swinburne*

      I’ve never really got on with her work – almost every one I’ve started has been a DNF – but I did quite like her Jackson Brody series, mostly because I know Leeds, where it’s set, well. She’s good at writing a strong sense of place (see also the one set in Dundee, which I also know well).

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      1. Sarah*

        Same for me! There’s definitely something different about that particular series. (Though I have lived in Leeds so maybe it’s a bias we both have!)

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    3. Isabel Archer*

      And I recommend Atkinson’s “Behind the Scenes at the Museum,” one of my very favorite novels. I’ve read most of her stuff, but the Jackson Brodie series left me cold and I never read another one.

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      1. Snacattack*

        Fascinating—I’m the opposite. Love the Jackson Brodie books and can generally take or leave her other novels. Funny how tastes can be so different.

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband started Atkinson with Life and just did not like it and now I can’t get him to read ANY of her other books!

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    6. Anonymous Reader*

      I loved “Case Histories” and thought I’d found a new series to read. Nope. I couldn’t get into subsequent books.

      I’ve had that happen with other authors. For example, I think that “The Shell Seekers” by Rosamunde Pilcher is one of the most beautiful books. It’s about how WWII affected one Englishwoman and her family. I couldn’t read anything else by her.

      Regardless, I still highly recommend “Case Studies”.

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  5. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs. My personal request is for cozy and/or escapist books. It’s been an awful couple of weeks and I’m looking for something to take my mind off of things.

    This week I read Killers of a Certain Age, which was surprisingly fun and playful. For those who don’t know the plot, there are 4 women who have been assassins for forty years. They have just retired, but when they go on their post-retirement cruise they discover that their (now former) employer has put a hit out on them. I would recommend.

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    1. Jackalope*

      I forgot to mention that my preference for cozy/escapist reads is fantasy or romance. I’m the other hand, I’m guessing a lot of people are having similar needs, so prob any genre of recs is welcome.

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      1. Six Feldspar*

        I read Sunshine by Robin McKinley and Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett over winter when I need to remember light (literal or figurative) will eventually come back to the world…

        Reply ↓
        1. Dontbeadork*

          Have you tried Pratchett’s *The Wintersmith*? Also a reminder that cold and darkness are not everlasting, even when it feels like they might be.

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        2. GoryDetails*

          I love Reaper Man! And Hogfather is also good for that return-of-the-sun feeling – indeed, it’s literally a part of the plot.

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      2. Jill Swinburne*

        Look for Julie Caplin/JulesWake (same author, just publishes under different names). I don’t normally do formulaic romances but those ones hit a certain spot for me because they double as armchair travel and they’re quite well-written.

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    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Just re-starting Ruth Ozeki’s The Book of Form and Emptiness (got sidetracked over the holidays) and loving it. Still working my way through the bedside stack and valiantly resisting any new purchases.

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      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Wonderful! It’s a grittier book than A Tale for the Time Being, but truly rewarding. And if you find it, My Year of Meats is fabulous – it really stays with you afterwards.

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        2. Lizard*

          Any advice on which of her novels to read first? I definitely want to read something by Ozeki in 2025, but I’m waffling. The Book of Form and Emptiness and A Tale for the Time Being have been on my to-read list for a couple of years now. But My Year of Meats sounds like it aligns well with my interests. I’m curious whether there’s a best place to start.

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    3. Dark Macadamia*

      My coziest favorites:

      I Capture the Castle – coming of age in the 1930s written as a girl’s journal. Super cute and funny.

      The Sun is Also a Star – YA romance between a boy who believes in fate and a girl who doesn’t.

      What If It’s Us – YA romance where two boys keep meeting, losing each other, and attempting to redo their failed first date.

      Nothing to See Here – found family about a nanny to spontaneously combusting children.

      Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches – romance about another nanny but this time with magic!

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    4. Atheist Nun*

      Yes, I liked Killers of A Certain Age much more than I expected. The sequel, Kills Well with Others, will be published in March, I believe. I have the eARC on my Kindle somewhere…

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    5. GoryDetails*

      On the escapist side, My Funny Demon Valentine by Aurora Ascher, which I admit I got largely because of the cute illustrations on the endpages (tiny demonic-cupid figures aiming arrows, musical notes, hearts…). Looks to be a mashup of “Scrubs” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” possibly with touches of “Bridget Jones’ Diary”.

      Then there’s Seanan McGuire’s Adrift in Currents Clean and Clear, the latest in her “Wayward Children” series. It’s more of a standalone book, dealing with the backstory of Nadya, a character from Beneath the Sugar Sky: she was in a Russian orphanage when an American couple adopted her and took her back to America. Nadya has an affinity for water – and for turtles – and has been coping very well with only one and a half arms (born that way), and isn’t comfortable with the new prosthetic her adoptive parents got for her. When she falls through one of the magical doors into an intricate and unusual water-world, she finds the perfect life, but it is in the nature of those pesky doors to sometimes send someone back even when they don’t want to go.

      On audiobook, a re-listen of Glitterland by Alexis Hall: protagonist Ash is a brooding author who suffers from panic attacks and bipolar disorder (and is also a bit of a snob). When he falls for flashy, and in his view trashy, glitter-pirate Darian, it’s clear that somebody’s going to get hurt – though Hall does usually manage to give his troubled characters a happy, or at least hopeful, ending, as long as they’re willing to do the work. It does get dark in places (Ash is the main viewpoint character) but is also sweet and often very funny.

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      1. GoryDetails*

        Oops, I mixed two books together! Should be:

        On the escapist side, My Funny Demon Valentine by Aurora Ascher, which I admit I got largely because of the cute illustrations on the endpages (tiny demonic-cupid figures aiming arrows, musical notes, hearts…). Four demons have apparently escaped from Hell and are masking as humans (devilishly attractive humans, of course), though one of them suffers a curse that makes him only able to see the world in black and white, and where he can’t enjoy food. Oh, and humans don’t notice him, which is a problem when trying to chat up women. But this one woman, a musician, does see him… For a demon-mythology-type story it’s rather light and amusing.

        The Devil Wears Scrubs by Freida McFadden, which I found in a Little Free Library. This one looks to be a mashup of “Scrubs” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” possibly with touches of “Bridget Jones’ Diary”.

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    6. PollyQ*

      I recently finished 3 of Elly Griffiths’s Ruth Galloway mysteries: A Dying Fall, The Stone Circle, and The Lantern Men. I’d read most of the rest of the series in 2024 (thanks, I think, to a tip here), but these were only just added to my local Libby. They’re not the best mysteries from the standpoint of plot construction, but the writing and characters are so great that I don’t mind. A Room Full of Bones is still on my hold list, so once I get to that, I’ll have finished the series, and it’ll be time to start over from the beginning!

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    7. Falling Diphthong*

      By Alice Bell, Grave Expectations* and Displeasure Island. A collision of Midsomer Murders and Scooby Doo. Common to both books are the team of Claire (a medium, who really does see ghosts even if she’s not great at the theatrical parts of mediuming), Sophie (her best childhood friend, now a ghost), Basher (no longer a policeman), and Basher’s teenaged niebling Alex (extremely cool). The first is set at a family gathering in a decrepit manor house with an abandoned monastery on the grounds, and the second involves a gathering of friends on a small island with an abandoned fort, so you can just imagine the number of ghosts and surety of someone getting murdered before page 100.

      I quite like these, balancing breezy with a fun, fair play mystery and some deeper thoughts on how maybe being haunted by your best teenaged friend for the rest of your life would have some drawbacks.

      * My library has a bunch of different books by this title, so double check the author.

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    8. Valancy Stirling*

      I love the Evenfall Witches series by Auralee Wallace. It’s about a young widow who can communicate with the dead, and in the two books so far, needs to help them solve their murders.

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    9. allx*

      Continuing with Walker Percy’s The Moviegoer. As noted by someone last week, it is definitely dated in many respects, but also, weirdly, some of the language sort of skates on the edges of modern day new age mysticism. Certain phrases like “slipping out of space and time” and “teetering on the brink of eternity” and “the spirit-presence of a strange place” and “he is my triangulation point” have tinges of a recent podcast interview I heard by Nicholas Ashbaugh of Argentinian Matias de Stefano (the Rememberer), who apparently can remember past lives back to the beginning of civilizations that no longer exist.

      This is clearly more about what language is hitting me and not about the story at all. The story strikes me as more about despair and damaged souls and broken relationships. I’m finding it quite sad, and also simultaneously deep and shallow. Kind of like reading early Dave Eggers, who is either a genius I’m just not quite smart enough to get or completely vapid, haha.

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      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Allx, you are totally getting it. Percy was showing the melancholy of New Orleans behind the noisy, lively veneer – that Las Vegas vibe of shallowness behind the dazzle. It is absolutely about despair, but it’s thoughtful and subtle. And yeah about the mysticism. New Orleans was (and still is) plugged into that. Where else can you buy a voodoo doll on main street? Awesome.

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    10. Evvy*

      Rereading The Farthest Shore (Ursula LeGuin) chapter by chapter before bed at night! I’m also slowly making my way through Entangled Life (Merlin Sheldrake) — what feels about three years after everybody else already read it (I’m in a very environmentally-focused graduate program, everyone loves mushrooms)! Also picked back up a couple chapters of Le Morte d’Arthur (Keith Baines edition).

      Cozy/escapist recs: I love Noel Streatfeild’s “Shoes Books” for this (shout out to that one scene in You’ve Got Mail…) They feel so much from a different time period and also just from a completely alternate reality somehow, even though the situations depicted in them aren’t necessarily unrealistic (?) For me it’s just something about the way she writes them haha. There is some dated stuff in them. Super cozy, I just read a few of them last year and enjoyed them just as much as I did as a kid/teen!

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    12. Six Feldspar*

      Finished Fugitive Telemetry by Martha Wells and yesterday I found a couple of the Miles Vorkosigan series, but mostly before bed I’ve been reading The Man Who Ate Everything by Jeffrey Steingarten, a collection of his essays as a food critic.

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    14. Second Breakfast*

      Since the election, I have listened to the Goblin Emperor and its sequels at least four times each. The Goblin Emperor hits the sweet spot for cozy, hopeful fantasy for me, and I love the world building. Though the sequels are often dark (the protagonist is a minor character from the first book, a tragic gay elf priest who talks to the dead), they share the overall hope of The Goblin Emperor.

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        1. Magdalena*

          I also can’t wait for The Tomb of Dragons!

          Had to put off getting The Orb of Cairado since I’m avoiding Amazon and neither Barnes&Noble nor Kobo can sell it to me as a non-US customer.
          Hopefully it’ll come out in print as well!

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    15. Blooper*

      For a cozy read, I quite enjoyed The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. The book’s cover art matches the mood well :)

      I second Dark Macademia’s Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches rec!

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      1. bright as yellow*

        Third ing the Very secret society of irregular witches. I heard the audiobook and the narration was Very good.

        My cosiest fantasy read this year was the Spell shop, by Sarah Beth Durst. Very introverted woman with a magic plant finds her community.

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    16. Meh*

      Onxy Storm -Book 3 in the Empyrean Series by Rebecca Yarros. Dragons, magic, evil. about 1/4 the way in. I’m reading with a friend so I have to stop for her to catch up.

      Queen of Shadows – Book 4(?) in the Throne of Glass Series by SJ Maas. I didn’t care for the first few books- the main character is arrogant and immature and the love interests are meh. But everyone else seems to love them so I’m pushing through. Heir of Fire (3?) was better and this one also sees character growth. So, onward!

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    17. Nervous Nellie*

      My Penguins this week: inspired by allx, I picked up a Penguin Mini for my handbag book this week (small and light)- Flaubert’s A Simple Heart, a melancholy little tale of a servant and her relationship with her parrot. It’s actual ugly cry stuff at the end – why is there no movie of this story? Goodness. It would be great!

      For my ongoing Penguin, I am savoring the Pevear & Volokhonsky translation of Anna Karenina. I don’t want it to end! I am saving the film (Sean Connery & Claire Bloom!) to watch when I finish it. An aside – what a giggle it is that Scot Connery played a lot of Russians in his career. If he sounds like he did in Hunt for Red October, I will be giggling too hard to follow the story. His Scottish Spaniard in Highlander sealed the deal for me – he is James Bond, and only James Bond.

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    18. epicdemiologist*

      John Scalzi’s Collapsing Empire series–timely, fast paced, and has a character who swears even more than I do these days.

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      1. Anonymous Reader*

        I’d never heard of him before I somehow came upon “Starter Villain”. He had me at the cover with the well-dressed cat!

        What a delightful romp.

        If Alison hasn’t read this one, she really should.

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    19. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      For cozy escapist comedy romance, I like some of P.G. Wodehouse’s lesser-read books, like *The Luck of the Bodkins* and *Leave It to Smith*.

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      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Just finished *Lolita*. It is not cozy. Nabokov is a very skilled writer, but the whole thing made me feel icky.

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    20. PhyllisB*

      I started Before the Coffee Gets Cold…and I’m not feeling it.I was so looking forward to this because I like books with a what would you do differently theme but this one is not engaging me. I got to page 59 and put it aside. I usually give a book 100 pages before. making up my mind so I may try again in a day or two.

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    21. PhyllisB*

      I read The Twelve Dogs of Christmas by Susan Wiggs this week. (Dogs!! Christmas!!) Just a side note, right now there are four current books with the title Twelve Dogs of Christmas. I’ve read two of them and they both were romances with rescue dogs. I don’t know about the other two. Anyway, that’s why it’s good to keep a list of what you’ve read ( thank you Goodreads) because with so many books having the same title it can get confusing. Right now I’m reading Murder on the Dancefloor by Katie Marsh. This is book two of her Bad Girls Detective Agency series. Cute. I like her turn of phrase: “She looked as joyful as a nurse giving a Methadone shot.” And “She put her arm around her and it had all the comfort of a barbed wire fence.”

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    22. Zephy*

      Prompt #8 of the PopSugar reading challenge was “a book with less than 250 pages,” so I picked up a collection of short stories by Robert Louis Stevenson. The 1870s of it all started to grate after a while, though I am pretty proud of myself for being able to mostly follow a story written about 2/3rds in Scots (Thrawn Janet, for the curious). Overall impression: boy, people* really could Just Do Shit in the past, huh?

      (*”people” meaning white, literate men of means, of course; all the women seem to do in these stories is suffer indignities and die horribly)

      On deck I’ve got Packing for Mars by Mary Roach, one because I love Mary Roach and have been wanting to read this, and two because I decided that reading a fictional book that happens to have been set largely in a hotel in space doesn’t really count for prompt #3, “a book about space tourism.” For prompt #5, “a book with a snake on the cover or ‘snake’ in the title,” I have Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead waiting for me to pick up at my local library, planning to swing by there later today. I am aware it’s an adaptation of David Copperfield, but I’ve never read that and I don’t really want to read anymore Dickens unless I have to, so I guess I’ll check out the Wikipedia summary or something.

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      1. Snacattack*

        You don’t need to have read Copperfield to appreciate Copperhead. Not in my humble opinion anyway. A depressing novel in so many ways but a good one.

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    23. IrishEm*

      I finished reading Phillipa Ryder’s My Name is Philippa, it’s her memoir about her journey to transition in Ireland and how she grew up in an Ireland when homosexuality was illegal. Absolutely amazing read and overall positive message. If you can, ;isten to the audiobook, she doesn’t read it herself but it is a trans reader who work very hard to get Irish place names right :)

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  6. anon today*

    Any ideas here to support our valued federal workers in the US? I’m not a fed, so it’s not work-related for me. I’d like this to be a positive thread of cool ideas. Clearly we can start with contacting our government representatives, but I’d also like fun, loving, happy ideas that make clear how much we value a strong and competent civil service!

    Baking brownies sounds good with the caveat that I only have so much oven space, hahah. If you’re a Fed, what’s making you feel better in terms of community support right now?

    I’m thinking of trying to find a nice printed version of the oath for my fav federal employee.

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    1. Inside the Beltway*

      Actual support. Calling your member of Congress is probably the only thing that will actually help. Tell them to support the civil service and not permit government by executive order. Talk about government programs that are beneficial to you – highways? Air traffic control? Food inspection? Complain about the amount of power Musk, who was neither elected nor confirmed by the Senate, has seized.

      I mean, if you’re local to DC, buy one of your friends in the trenches a drink. But otherwise we need support.

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      1. Goody One Shoe*

        Your elected representatives (senators and congresspeople, and to a lesser extent state governors) DO pay some attention to phone calls and letters from their constituents. I don’t think emails get as much attention, they don’t hurt. Reach out to them!

        Certainly tell your representatives about government programs that contribute to your well-being and to that of your community. Depending on where you live, you might consider mentioning how having federal employees in your community supports your local economy.

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        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember calling my rep when a transparency law was up to be repealed; the person who answered asked “calling about that law?” and I said “I certainly am!” Clearly I was far from the only one on the phone.

          Law was NOT repealed.

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      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Have you encountered any lookalikes of famous people? And how did you react? This week, I encountered someone who was a dead ringer (including height and accent) for a recent UK prime minister of whom I’m not a fan. This was a touch disconcerting until it became obvious that (fortunately) they didn’t have similar personalities.
        Tell me about your lookalike encounters!

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    2. Anonyfed*

      Two thoughts: one is that I’ve found it so helpful over the last two weeks to hear from people who are supportive and who appreciate what we do. The second is that everyone is thinking about us right now, but in a couple of weeks that will have faded, but we’ll still be at it. If you have anyone you know who’s in this boat then keep checking in with them and following up to see how they’re doing. Maybe once a week or every other week or something like that, for awhile. (Even if it’s just a quick text or something like that.)

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    3. Your Friendly Neighborhood Nerd*

      Honestly? Action. I love appreciation, but it means more if it is backed up by calling your state reps and Senators.

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    4. Anonymous Fed*

      What we’re looking for at this time is vocal support paired with calls to action, otherwise this will become another trend like the “Met Gala boycott” on TikTok that died out in about a week. An explanation of what you’ve done (contacting your reps, fed/state/local) and asking other people to do the same is the most helpful and encouraging.

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    5. Anonfed*

      Also push back when people call us lazy and incompetent.

      The vitriol being turned on us is just exhausting. My spouse and I are both feds. All the late nights, the travel, continuing to work through shutdowns. We both have worked very very hard.

      Please, call your representatives. Also, speak up. When people call us lazy, push back.

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    6. epicdemiologist*

      Every time you need something provided by the federal government and don’t get it–whether that’s assistance payments, consumer advice, flu trends, vaccine recommendations, infrastructure repairs, whatever–be VERY LOUD AND EXPLICIT in your complaints about not getting the work/information PAID FOR BY YOUR TAXES and exactly WHY you’re not getting it. Talk to local media. Talk to your friends and family and coworkers. If your job uses federal resources you can’t get, tell your clients that and tell them why. (Example: My husband works at a hospital and is in charge of updating slides on the info screens that show current flu levels. The next update will say NO INFORMATION AVAILABLE.)

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      1. Armchair analyst*

        Ah I see. At first I thought you meant “complain about failures of the employee”. But I see you are saying “complain about the new policy enacted by the chief executive”

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    7. Just Here For The Llama Grooming*

      Another aspect of contacting your Senators/MOC: When they hold listening sessions or town halls in the district, show up and comment. Packed listening sessions generate TV coverage even for Sinclair-owned stations. Our MOC held one this past week, and he says it was as packed as any he’s ever held in more than a decade in office.

      Reply ↓
  7. Exercise?*

    I don’t like exercising but it looks like I’m going finally have time to do so and I need to lose some weight. What types of exercise do you enjoy? Especially looking for things I also can occupy my mind while doing…like reading or listening to podcasts.

    Reply ↓
    1. theinone*

      In no particular order, here’s what I like:

      Walking
      Pros: very easy, very cheap…just go outside and pick a direction, great for audiobooks/podcasts
      Cons: can get monotonous if you’re on a treadmill/weather issues if you go outside, not everywhere is safe to walk outside

      Swimming
      Pros: great for fitness in general, easier on joints than walking/running, you don’t feel yourself sweating
      Cons: unless you get special earbuds for music/podcasts it’s hard to occupy your mind, requires access to a pool, chlorine, requires knowing how to swim

      Dance
      Pros: good for fitness, a huge variety of styles/types, focusing on technique/choreo occupies your mind, adult beginner classes are a lot more common now
      Cons: studios/teachers vary A Lot, requires some prior knowledge and training to just do independent practice

      (I do colorguard, which is like a subset of both dance and marching band that involves throwing flags and mock rifles/sabres in the air- unfortunately that’s not easy/is kinda dangerous to pick up without instruction)

      Reply ↓
      1. Retired-ish*

        For dance, there is something called “Body Groove,” a fairly inexpensive program readily found on line. Misty Tripoli is its creator. It’s all about body acceptance and dancing your own way. The music is original and enjoyable.

        Reply ↓
      2. Falling Diphthong*

        On occupying your mind, I find that doing laps is much more zen for me than anything where I hold still. Even if I’m going back and forth in the short well at the end of the pool, I can do that for much longer than anything where I just hold still, e.g. jumping jacks in a flotation belt–it seems to convince my brain that something is happening.

        Reply ↓
    2. H.Regalis*

      Hula hooping.

      Pros: it doesn’t require a lot of equipment. You can get a weighted hoop for cheap, and most of them come apart so you can pack them in a suitcase if you wanted to for traveling. If you don’t remember how to hoop, it’s surprisingly easy to learn again. You can do it at home or outside. You can do it while watching tv or listening to books or podcasts. It’s one of the few cardio workouts I’ve found that primarily works your core.

      Cons: You do need a bit of space around you to hoop. If you try to teach yourself hooping tricks, do it outside or else you’ll break a bunch of stuff.

      Reply ↓
    3. Rara Avis*

      Strangely enough for someone who had a hate/hate relationship with dance when I was younger, Zumba (at my local YMCA). The teachers I’ve had are so peppy and encouraging; bodies of all shapes and sizes; a sense of community that encourages me to show up every week; easy to modify when the knees just won’t.

      Reply ↓
    7. ronda*

      yoga and water aerobics

      water works cause I hate being hot and it is good for that. I also am not self motivated, so need a leader, so a class works best for me.

      yoga- I like how the stretching feels. I dont really do the energetic ones, but those kind are available too.

      picked a 3rd floor apartment so I do more stairs. — not that I enjoy it, but it is built in the I need to do it.

      Reply ↓
    8. allx*

      I like rebounding (mini-trampoline). I have a Bellicon rebounder which I love because it is quiet. It has shock cord type springs rather than metal coils so no annoyoing squeaking. It is easy on the joints and actually fun. How hard or easy it is depends on you, and there are lots of videos for different kinds of workouts. I also second the hula-hoop recommendation. I have a knobby weighted hoop which kind of hurts to use at first but is a great mid-section workout. I can do about 20 minutes with it. There are some fascinating videos of very talented hoopers.

      Reply ↓
    9. Not your typical admin*

      My husband and I have been trying to increase our steps. My goal is 10,000 a day, his is 20,000. For him especially, the key has been to keep moving during normal activities. If he has a phone call to make, he’ll walk on a walking pad or in our neighborhood, park at the end of a parking lot, even walking around the house during a commercial if he’s watching tv. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it adds up.

      Reply ↓
    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’ve focused on doing stuff I enjoy with a manageable commitment. For me that means one 1-hour yoga class and 30 minutes in the pool most weeks, plus my usual walking to work + activities and errands. I’m not necessarily trying to increase the frequency or intensity, I’m just sticking with moving my body in ways I enjoy. Neither of those are too podcast-friendly but I find a good yoga class does keep my mind occupied with the movements, so that takes me out of my head, and with swimming I often get into a meditative state of counting my strokes, plus some subtle people watching of the other swimmers!

      In the winter I add cross country skiing and skating, and in the summer biking when it’s not too hot.

      Reply ↓
    11. Crashing into middle age*

      “Enjoy” may be overstating it, but I like the free workouts on the Nike Training App. It can be an easy, low barrier way into exercise because you don’t have to plan anything. There are quite a few that don’t require any weights/ equipment.

      Reply ↓
    12. But what to call me?*

      Rollerblading, if you have a smooth, wide path nearby. It’s not much fun on a narrow and/or bumpy sidewalk or one with too many streets in the way, but if you can find a place with room to spread your legs it’s lots of fun to glide along with music or a podcast. It works a *lot* of the muscles in your legs without really trying to, and it’s fun to go faster than running while being gentler than running (no high-impact unless you trip and impact the ground). I keep my rollerblades in my car trunk (except during hot, smelly summer) along with a helmet and long socks to make it easy to stop in at a nearby bike path whenever I have time. I have to make it very easy to start exercising or I’ll use the effort of collecting my equipment as an excuse to never get around to doing it.

      Reply ↓
    13. Anima*

      I actually like weight lifting. My husband got himself a small set of dumbbells that he doesn’t use, but I do. YouTube has great instructions so you don’t hurt yourself by doing it totally wrong.
      I also do yoga, like others said. 75 min a week (it’s a course for elderly people, I am 37, whoops) and I would like to up that amount when I’m done with uni.

      Reply ↓
    14. TechWorker*

      Running or let’s be honest, run-walking. I’m never going to be fast and I basically always take walk breaks, but that’s not a failure! If you like structure Google ‘Jeff Galloway’ method, obviously the ‘couch to 5k’ program is a classic for complete beginners but I generally just run & then stop for a walk a bit before I think I need it (this is critical, if you just run until you’re absolutely dead you won’t walk to start again), then start up again once heart rate has dropped a bit.
      I always listen to podcasts & whilst not everyone has good outdoor options depending on climate/where they are, being outside is definitely harder to get bored!

      Reply ↓
      1. RagingADHD*

        The classic Couch 2 5K actually presumes a certain base fitness level (or relative youth) and can be too aggressive of a ramp-up for folks who may be more prone to injury.

        I found an even more gradual program called None 2 Run, which has a pre-prep program “Run Ready” that includes some strength training to protect your joints. I started it recently and highly recommend it for old, fat, and/or quite sedentary folks (like me).

        Reply ↓
    15. Slinky*

      Like others have said, walking. For me, this is best in a beautiful natural setting. I live in a suburban town, so I have to seek out green spaces, but there are plenty of rec paths, parks, etc. that scratch that itch. For me, I crave time in nature more than I crave time in motion, so this is a good carrot to get me to exercise.

      I also enjoy strength training. It appeals to my logical brain. You plan your workout, you track you progress, you can see improvements being made over time. I’ve used New Rules of Lifting for years to help learn the motions and plan my workout.

      Reply ↓
    16. ICodeForFood*

      If the weather outside is too cold or hot or wet for outdoor walking, I go to my local indoor shopping mall to walk. There are a bunch of “regulars” who walk there almost every day. It’s open for walking before the stores open, but I sometimes go after the stores open, and at this point there are folks who I smile and wave to regularly .

      Reply ↓
    17. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Cycling.
      (if it is safely possible to do in your area)
      I’ve always liked doing it and started it as my main exercise last year. (After years of almost no exercise at all, and whilst loosing weight in general)
      I love that I can get places that I wouldn’t reach by car (because they are inaccessible) or on foot (because of distance) and I almost always listen to podcasts or audio books. It gives me a feeling of freedom and independence that I assume is what other people sometimes feel on road trips by car.
      In the beginning, you might not get very far per exercise but for me that changed within a month of 2 trips per week. Try more of a round trip than a there-and-back trip and plan for a small snack break in the middle – you will need the energy boost. Also, make sure you drink enough water.

      Reply ↓
    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m not a gym goer, but I find that I feel better when I am doing a little pleasant mild exercise. I haven’t been good about doing these consistently in quite a while, but here’s what I have enjoyed in the past:

      Walking someplace interesting, playing mini-golf, bowling, archery, dance classes (salsa and country-western), playing in a marching band, taking karate classes . . . . For me, exercise that itself exercises my mind keeps me going. Like, I’m not bored if I’m trying to remember the next dance step or the next note or trying to aim at a target. Maybe it’s the ADHD, but I find repetitive gym exercise stultifyingly boring and won’t wind up doing it.

      This wasn’t really what you asked, but in my experience, eating better has had a much greater effect on my weight than exercise. I was fat when I was taking karate 6 times a week. I lost weight when I was just living my life but eating better. That doesn’t mean that exercise isn’t important–it’s great for you in a lot of other ways–but it may not prove to be the dispositive factor in your losing weight.

      Reply ↓
    19. AnonymousOctopus*

      I want to add another tally for walking pad! I dislike exercise and *have to* keep my mind occupied but I’ve been able to be consistent with my walking pad. When I was trying to take walks outside it was too easy to find a reason to not go, such as bad weather, having a low-energy day so wasn’t sure how far I could go without wiping myself out and hating everything on my walk back, etc. Now I do it first thing in the morning with an engaging podcast on while playing my favorite video game on my Nintendo Switch (detachable controllers so I’m not hooked to the console).

      I started really slow with a goal to just do 30 mins of activity, but as I got into a routine I switched to distance goals and found that to be much more rewarding. It pushed me to walk faster and break a sweat, and now I’m doing at least 1.3 miles a day instead of the 0.4 I started at. I’ve also noticed that once I’ve gotten started with 40 mins of walking, I’m more motivated to pick up my kettlebell and do a set or two of something else.

      I hope you find something that works for you!

      Reply ↓
    20. skadhu*

      Line dancing, if there’s a class/group in your area to join. I turned up my nose at it for years, but now dance twice a week. Good exercise for both body and brain and a wonderful community of friends doing it.

      Reply ↓
    21. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      An exercise bike, because you can sit down, start pedaling, and then pick up a paper book or press “play” on an audiobook or podcast.

      I also like weight lifting and resistance training, but a lot of people find those boring, and they require enough more attention that I can’t read at the same time, only listen to music, and even familiar lyrics can distract me from counting reps.

      Reply ↓
    22. ReallyBadPerson*

      I was a competitive swimmer for years, so I love swimming laps. It’s a very zen experience, and since I’m not training for meets anymore, there is no stress.

      On days I don’t swim, I prop a book on my treadmill and just walk at a 15 min/mile pace. The reading prevents monotony.

      Reply ↓
    24. Zephy*

      First: weight loss happens in the kitchen, you cannot outrun your fork. If weight loss is your primary goal, focusing on your intake will reap greater rewards than any workout regimen I could recommend.

      That being said! The best workout is the one you’ll do consistently, so finding a way to move your body that you enjoy is the key. If you have other, fitness-related goals, you can find plans to train toward achieving them (e.g., do you want to be able to run a 5k? do a pull-up? lift your bodyweight?).

      I listen to music or podcasts while I do most of my physical activity, which primarily consists of walking outside (when weather permits) and lifting weights. When the weather is less amenable to human existence, I have a walking pad that I can set up in front of the TV and get my steps in while watching a movie.

      Reply ↓
  8. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been playing the video game Unicorn Overlord, which is kind of anime style strategy RPG. I have a feeling it will feel a bit longer than I’d like for an idea game, but I’m having fun figuring it out.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lemonwhirl*

      I got Terraforming Mars (board game) for Christmas and it’s become a family favourite. My 14-year old kid is a shark at hexagonal strategy games. He’s fantastic at recognizing and capitalizing on opportunities and shifting his strategy whereas I tend to get overly focused on building cards. He’s won every game, and the closest I’ve gotten to him is 10 points.

      It’s sort of like he’s a marathoner and I’m a sprinter. I am excellent at shorter strategy games like Race for the Galaxy. There’s something about the smaller focus and short time horizon that works for me.

      Would love any recs for any kind of strategy games. (We have Scythe – the kid wins 9 out of 10 games. :D)

      Reply ↓
      1. Sarah*

        The sequel to Scythe, Expeditions, is just as good, plays quite differently and comes with all the joy of being back in that world.

        I recently got Huang which we are all in love with and I highly recommend. You try to build your own territory and gain victory points but constantly get drawn into battles with opponents or get taken down in a peasants’ revolt. Very fun and very easy to stir up trouble between your opponents while watching from the sidelines

        Another Stonemaier one I love is Euphoria. A strategic worker placement game where you’re trying to get the right resources at the right time but a bit of luck thrown in as your workers are dice so your rolls affect them.

        Reply ↓
    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Someone last week recommended Doors: Paradox and Boxes: Lost Fragments. They were on sale in a bundle on Steam so I grabbed them both! Doors is a simple, but pretty puzzle game, it very much feels like it was made for a tablet. Boxes is a lot more in-depth, with longer levels, more varied and challenging puzzles, and a really cool steampunk aesthetic. Boxes feels very similar to a different franchise I like – The Room.
      Thanks to whoever recommended them!

      Reply ↓
    3. Qwerty*

      Apparently The Sims 1 and The Sims 2 are available with all of their expansion packs – just bought the bundle on Steam and waiting for it to download :)

      Reply ↓
    4. Dana*

      replaying outer wilds currently ! we played it all the way thru when it came out, but felt the urge to start again from the beginning. it has the most gorgeous visuals and soundtrack. if you play it go in completely blind, i mean that, google NOTHING. you won’t regret it :)

      Reply ↓
  9. New computer blues*

    I’m feeling pretty disappointed by the Asus Zenbook 13″ laptop that I just got. For one thing, a 13″ screen is really too small (my old laptop is 14″), and the text resolution is not very good for a low-vision user. I’m about ready to return it. I wonder how long I should give it to see if I can tolerate it, within the 30-day return window. If you’ve been unhappy with a new device, did you decide quickly that it wasn’t working for you or did you try to adapt to it for a week or two?

    Reply ↓
    1. hummingbird*

      Is there a particular reason why you went with this laptop+smaller screen? Otherwise, I’d return it sooner than later.

      Reply ↓
    2. WellRed*

      Return it. I’m unhappy with the laptop I bought a year ago (screen too big ha ha) and have rarely used it since because I just don’t like it. I was in a hurry and had a limited budget.

      Reply ↓
  10. Cat vs. Plants*

    I inherited an elderly relative’s cat – kitty is 2 years old and I love him. But he loves my plants too much! I have several airplane plants and kitty won’t stop biting them. The plants are hiding in my laundry room, under a fluorescent light and behind a closed door.
    Is there anything I can put on them that won’t hurt them or kitty but will discourage him from chewing on them? Are the plants doomed to live out their days in the laundry room?
    Any help would be very much appreciated!

    Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        I second the suggestion for old birdcages. One of my friends has birdcages to keep their cat away from their plants, and they look good. There’s still some potential for nibbling around the edges if the plant(s) start to grow outside the safety of the cage (which airplane/spider plants probably will) but the bulk of the plant will be safe.

        Reply ↓
    3. H.Regalis*

      My cat went for my aloe plant, which is not good for cats. My new apartment has ceiling hooks someone put in ages ago for plants. I got some hanging baskets at a resale shop and that has been the perfect solution. I can water the plants without getting on a ladder and they are away from feline chompers.

      Reply ↓
    7. Aphrodite*

      I have three cats who will NOT leave any living plant alone except, for a reaso I cannot figure out, those supermarket orchids. My years of experience with cats and plants is this: either the plants will kill the cats or the cats will kill the plants. After watching three Boston ferns die from their attentions, I gave up and now have a thriving garden on my front porch. Nothing inside except three faux plants/flowers.

      I liike to hang out on home decor forums like Houzz and it always amuses and irritates me to see some pros put down not just faux plants but those who would have them. I take time to pooint out that while real plants are wonderful, those with young kids, cats and maybe dogs may not be able to have them for safety reasons.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yep… I had already given away a lot of my late husband’s tropical indoor plants before I got my rescue pup. And I continue to encounter new problems with the remaining ones my teen wants to keep.

        (I have the citrus and pineapple virtually caged behind furniture, and doggo stands there whining that he can’t eat leaves and make himself barf.)

        Reply ↓
    8. Sloanicota*

      You’re not going to like it but the only thing that’s ever worked for me is to put the plants under glass, like a terrarium – if you have an aquarium turned upside down or a giant indoor glass greenhouse, perhaps that’s an option. Even then it has to be rather well secured and lidded.

      Reply ↓
      1. Frieda*

        I feel this!

        IKEA has some nice glass cabinets – I have two for plants. The rest of the plants are atop very tall bookshelves and in my son’s room (he’s in college so not typically at home) where the door stays firmly closed. I also have a hoya that’s hanging from a hook in the ceiling.

        In the summer I move them to the sun porch where cats are not permitted.

        Reply ↓
    9. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My previous cat, indoor only, adored her pot of cat grass and sometimes just sniffed it and sometimes ate it as a digestive, and sometimes ate it to help throw up a fur ball. I had two pots of it and just changed them around each week so they had a week off outside to recover in the sunshine.
      So you could experiment with his own plant, see if that meets his needs! I also brought the catnip/mint pot in for her occasionally too, as opposed to just giving her a few leaves, she liked that.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        For a long time I had a catnip plant a friend gave me in a place my cats could reach if they were feeling persistent. It was on a windowsill and they could reach one side but not the other. The poor plant was completely bare on the one side and thriving and healthy on the other.

        Reply ↓
      2. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I was thinking cat grass as well. I think hiding all the other plants is important…but I wonder if the cat might stop attacking all the other green things so much if they’ve got their own pot with a (better) digestive aid.

        Reply ↓
    10. LemonTaffy*

      my thoughts: get another cat to redirect kitty’s young-cat energy, set up cat-tv (birdfeeder), and get nontoxic plants just in case

      Reply ↓
    11. Kitty*

      Our cats do the same, and I finally just had to make peace with the fact that the plants would be for their enjoyment as well as for ours. Spider/airplane plants are really too hardy for the cats to kill and, unlike many other houseplants, they won’t hurt the cats either, so I think of it as a general symbiosis that involves bite marks on plants. My consolation is that cats’ facial expressions when gnawing on leaves are hilarious.

      Reply ↓
    12. Treena*

      You can spray those citrus sprays for furniture (as long as they’re not in direct sunlight–might burn the plant)

      I don’t have this issue (or many of the issues people tend to have with cats). We kept the plants out of reach for his first year, then put a few in reach and he’s not particularly interested. The thing that really makes the difference is to mentally stimulate them very well. Bored cats will be “naughty” without fail. I clicker train, have him hunt his kibble, etc.

      Reply ↓
    13. All Monkeys are French*

      I use a multi-pronged approach. I keep anything particularly attractive or potentially harmful out of my cats’ reach. I do this either by hanging plants from the ceiling or putting them on tall plant stands with no room for a cat to perch. Anything within their reach is either a plant they don’t try to chew (like a snake plant or rubber tree – technically toxic so YMMV) or a decoy. I keep one bella palm inside a ring of chicken wire (bird cage would certainly look prettier) and they are allowed to nibble anything that grows outside the wire. I’ve done this with spider plants also, but now I have so many babies that I can just rotate them out into a cat-free recovery space when they get too bedraggled. And finally, I try to keep a supply of cat grass on hand. It turns out, some grasses are more desirable than others. If I can get the really good stuff from the local farm that grows it, they’ll completely ignore the houseplants.
      Best of luck. Cats are cute but they can try one’s patience!

      Reply ↓
    14. AnonymousOctopus*

      Airplane plants have a mild hallucinogenic effect for cats so your cat might just like tripping! Aside from making the plant less accessible to him, you might try getting more catnip or silver vine toys and redirecting him to those when you catch him munching on your plant. If it’s more of a crunchy texture thing he’s enjoying, getting a container of cat grass or wheatgrass just for him to munch could be another redirection option.

      Reply ↓
  11. Forested*

    yarn folks! what are you working on?

    I’m crocheting a granny square blanket out of these tiny, weird little acrylic skeins from Amazon a friend got for Christmas and didn’t need because she’s a prolific knitter. it’s been a good distraction the last few weeks.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I currently have a sock and a sweater on needles, and am debating whether I’m going to take my spinner on my business trip this upcoming week because if I do I need to prep a wad of fluff.

      Reply ↓
    2. Evvy*

      I am working on learning to crochet “interlocking patches” (by Steven – there’s a whole website for them) that produce a sort of granny-square-sized thing with a design on it. The ones I’m working on are all animals. I love them — I’m trying to get into visible mending and I think these would be perfect to patch some of my holey shirts, if I can get good enough at making them!

      Reply ↓
    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’m psyching myself up to knit my first pair of socks, but for now I’m knitting more little prawns to use up the rest of the embroidery floss!

      Reply ↓
      1. RLC*

        I had never heard of knitted prawns, of course had to look them up and Oh! So cute! Of course at our house they’d be confined to the safety of a latched glass cabinet else they would disappear into the clutches of kitty paws.

        Reply ↓
    4. Anon Poster*

      I’ve recently gotten very into knitting. I learned how to knit about a decade ago and didn’t stick with it, but now I’m finding it really fun and soothing. I’ve finished a few small projects and am tempted to try a beginner sweater. Can anyone suggest a decent yarn to attempt a first sweater with that I can get at a Joann or a Hobby Lobby? I know a locally-owned yarn store would be a better choice, but I’m almost three hours away from the closest one to me on Google Maps. I’ll be willing to drive the distance and pay yarn store prices when I’m more confident in my skills, but for a first attempt that I’m definitely going to mess up a whole lot and probably never actually wear, I’d like to keep it more budget-friendly.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        Depends on the pattern gage for the yarn thickness you’d need, but I’d look for a colour that you like that’s not too fibrous. Mohair for example is an absolute PITA to unravel so definitely pick something easy to undo for your first jumper!

        (And for the record it took me four (4) tries to get the neck on my first jumper right, it’s a learning curve for sure…)

        Reply ↓
      2. Mostly Managing*

        Patons yarn has been around for ages and wears well – I have a sweater made from Canadiana that I made about 5 years ago which still looks more or less new.

        Look for the pattern first. If you’re on Ravelry, look at patterns from a designer called “Tin Can Knits” – they have a series of patterns designed for beginners. Flax is an easy sweater, or Harvest if you want a cardigan.
        Look at the instructions, and see what thickness (weight) of yarn you need and how much you need for your size. Then go shopping!

        Have fun!!

        Reply ↓
    6. Jazz and Manhattans*

      I really want to start on a blanket using yarn purchased on our travels but I hurt my neck so everything is on hold until I can find those prism / belay? glasses so I don’t have to move my head down. My plan is to crochet different squares with each skein.

      Reply ↓
    7. Mostly Managing*

      I’m planning a granny square blanket out of leftovers.
      Meanwhile, I’m making a cabled cardigan for keeping warm in the office, and there are always socks-in-progress in my bag for when I get stuck waiting places. I do 3-4 pairs of socks each year in waiting rooms, at the bank, on my lunch hour, waiting for kids to finish robotics meetings, etc.

      Reply ↓
    8. epicdemiologist*

      Crocheting a lace shawl out of fine wool (almost as fine as sock yarn) for my daughter-in-law, for spring. (Pattern is “Kria” by Tinna Thorudottir Thorvaldar on Ravelry, if anyone’s curious).

      Reply ↓
    9. Can't Sit Still*

      I am knitting, very slowly, a Wheat scarf by TinCanKnits and a temperature scarf for 2025. I can’t knit a lot because of arthritis in my hands, but I try to knit at least two rows on a scarf a day.

      I miss being able to whip out a shawl in a long weekend, but it’s good to be knitting regularly again. At least I’ll never run out of yarn again!

      Reply ↓
  13. The Dude Abides*

    Need recs for a new smartwatch/fitness tracker!

    After yet another FitBit going kaput, I’m ready to move on to a different brand. I’ve never had one last more than 15 months – FitBit has been good about sending a replacement, but I’m off them at this point.

    I don’t necessarily need a smartwatch, just a durable, affordable device that can help me track what I need for fitness (distance, heart rate, etc).

    Reply ↓
    1. Six Feldspar*

      Ymmv, but I’ve just bought an old fashioned stopwatch to track my walk/jog cycles because I got so sick of squinting at the fitbit screen…

      Reply ↓
    2. hummingbird*

      Not sure how good the distance/step tracking is* but what about Oura ring? Expensive however you can use health funds.

      *I either use my Garmin when I run or use Strava when I walk the dog.

      Reply ↓
      1. The Dude Abides*

        Ring is a no go – I play pickup basketball 3x/week, and I need to know if I’m getting my heart rate as high as I want (ideal is 160-170bpm at peak).

        Reply ↓
    3. LemonTaffy*

      wow, my Fitbit is going on 7 years this year! either you have just been really unlucky, or you really need something that can take the punishment

      Reply ↓
      1. Blue wall*

        I think it might be you that’s lucky- I’ve also had to replace my FitBits every 16-24 months for the last six years (I’ve been wearing them for 15 years). It’s incredibly frustrating.

        Reply ↓
        1. Rara Avis*

          Me too. The current one has lasted longer than a year, which is a record, but the battery isn’t holding a charge very well any more.

          Reply ↓
        2. LemonTaffy*

          aww that’s too bad! here I thought they were a good brand. I only use it for tracking my steps since I’ve had quite a few surgeries from a car accident. perhaps my gentler use has had a big impact

          Reply ↓
    4. Camelid coordinator*

      I like Garmin watches. Since you are doing a variety of workouts the Venu (what I currently have) or the vivoactive might work for you. I think they last about three years.

      Reply ↓
    6. HamlindigoBlue*

      +1 for Garmin. The Forerunner 265 is able to track basketball activities. Forerunner 165 does much of the same but doesn’t have a specific tracker for basketball. The Garmin website has a good breakdown of which model does what.

      I’ve used FitBit, Jawbone, Apple Watch, Samsung, and Garmin. They’re all fine, but I really like the details you can get out of Garmin, and the battery life is great. I only need to charge it about once a week (maybe slightly more often if I enable GPS for activities). I always get a nylon strap and toss the silicon one that they all usually come with because it’s much more comfortable.

      Reply ↓
  14. Not Quite Good Enough for the Joys thread!*

    I have friends who lost their home in the Altadena (California) wildfires. One of their neighbors (who also lost his home) set up a go fund me page for them. Of course I made a donation, but I want to say that I am very happy that so many other people have made donations to my friends. They are very close to meeting the goal that was set for them. I just find it so very touching. It kind of makes me feel a bit verklempt.

    Reply ↓
    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t know anyone personally affected, but I’ve been touched by how many GoFundMe posts have been come my way for Altadena residents. These are coming from people who are personally vetting each one, just to be helpful overall. I wish I could contribute more than my small amount.

      Reply ↓
    2. Rara Avis*

      I also have friends (a former colleague’s family whose kid was classmate of mine), and in addition to a go fund me, that had a team organize a very focused donation drive to supply their new house — a spreadsheet with a list of wants and needs, a Google form for people to offer what they could give, someone sorting through, organizing pick-up, etc.

      Reply ↓
  15. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    I watched Back in the Game, about spies who retired to have a family and get pulled back in when they are recognized. Good action pieces and fight choreography, linked by the most by-the-books script written by a committee. It’s not trying to be anything better than a generic action spy movie, and succeeds at that.

    Reply ↓
    1. goddessoftransitory*

      I just started My Life is Murder and am enjoying the Lucy Lawless goodness! My favorite parts so far:

      Great chemistry with the characters
      A cat keeps wandering into her apartment to hang out and she cuddles and schmoopie talks him in silly voices
      She speaks German
      All the men on the show are at least momentarily dazzled by her beauty/confidence and that she is not 23 years old is of absolutely no import!

      Reply ↓
    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just finished Season 1 of The Great. Really well done, but a bit stressful to watch this month.

      Rewatching The Librarians, which is a great comfort watch.

      Have also been making my way through all of Star Trek: Voyager, which I only watched sporadically back when it was first aired. DS9 is still my favorite ST series.

      I’m all caught up on Harry Wild, and Jane Seymour is wonderful in it, but so is the rest of the cast.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        DS9 is my favorite too, largely thanks to decent character development. Jake obviously grows up during the show, but Dr. Bashir also matures quite a lot during the show, and all of the characters change somehow as the seasons go on.

        Voyager was a bit of a step backwards by comparison, it’s much more episodic. It took me two rewatches to really enjoy the show for what it is, rather than mourn what it isn’t.

        Currently watching Picard. I’m enjoying it, but it’s not for the squeamish. Seven is more badass in this than she ever was on Voyager.

        Current shows that have been made for streaming are sometimes too arc-based for me, and it gets annoying if you have to watch everything that’s gone before to understand what’s happening now. That’s fine if it’s within a show, but the Star Wars and Marvel universes are getting ridiculous. DS9 hit the sweet spot for me with an easy to follow show with decent character development and some references to what had gone before.

        Reply ↓
        1. CityMouse*

          I couldn’t get through Picard. The only new Era show I really liked was Strange New Worlds because I’ve found the other Paramount+ shows to just be too grim.

          Reply ↓
    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      My husband and I have been watching Boardwalk Empire and I’m enjoying it, but definitely one of those shows where all of the characters are deeply flawed (in the actively murdering or going along with murder sort of way) and so I don’t even know who I rooting for…which isn’t necessary for me in a show, but I’m not sure how I feel about another few seasons with these characters…

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        I felt the same way about Boardwalk Empire, but I really enjoyed the historical setting, the costumes and cinematography.

        I’m feeling similarly ambivalent about The Sopranos.

        Reply ↓
    4. CTT*

      I saw One Of Them Days tonight, and a fun time was had by all. They really don’t make enough movies like that anymore.

      Reply ↓
    5. Lemonwhirl*

      Our current family watch is Acapulco, a sitcom about a Mexican billionaire telling his lifestory to his young nephew. The billionaire grew up poor and got his first break when he got a job at the Los Collinas resort in the 80s. It’s charming and funny. And it makes good effect of the storytelling conceit – sometimes the action cuts back to the present day with the nephew questioning the details of the story.

      Reply ↓
      1. sagewhiz*

        Sadly, no more Three Pines. Sigh. Know this for a fact, as the three kids in it are the grands of a dear friend.

        (The youngest of them now gets killed off in the upcoming Stephen King movie, “The Institute”!)

        Reply ↓
      2. WellRed*

        I loved Three Pines and can’t imagine why they cancelled after one season. And that ending! I need to know what happens.

        Reply ↓
    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My catchup continues–I’m finally watching Castle and House.

      My teen hooked me on House–he was a bit confused when I just started in the middle of a season and said I didn’t need him to backfill plot & character development. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  My GenX childhood TV viewing didn’t have the option to pause or binge from episode 1, so I’m used to guessing at the gaps.

      Castle I paused at an episode where he’s intentionally putting himself at risk again. He’s not just risking HIS life but his daughter’s childhood!

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I felt the best of Castle was encapsulated by S2’s Hallowe’en episode, in which (as I recall):
        • Castle goes to rescue Alex and friend after friend is roofied, and he tells the friend’s parents. He’s mostly the cool fun dad, but can step out of that role if needed.
        • When he leaves on this quest, Beckett babysits Eggbert, the egg Alex and friend are supposed to be watching to convince them that babies are a lot of work. Beckett makes Eggbert a little bed on her desk.
        • Lanie points out that if Castle and Beckett were actually into each other, they would have tried going on a date long ago.

        Reply ↓
      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol, that’s us Gen Xers for you — we are resilient and adaptable. I love how the shrug emoticon is like the embodiment of “whatever.”

        Reply ↓
      3. epicdemiologist*

        Fans of House may enjoy the collected essays of Berton Roueche, who wrote medical-mystery (nonfiction) columns for the New Yorker for decades. The Medical Detectives was the source of several season 1 House episodes (and was also the book that made me want to be an epidemiologist!). Other titles include Eleven Blue Men and The Incurable Wound.

        Reply ↓
      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh man, my dad was a doctor, and he would just RAIL against House and how no hospital in the world would put up with him and the train of lawsuits he’d generate, he didn’t care HOW brilliant he was…just really fired up!

        I personally liked the show and adore Hugh Laurie.

        Reply ↓
        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I liked the show and adore Hugh Laurie, but as a HIM professional, your dad is 1000% right and I yelled at the show all the time. (Mostly about how he’d have lost hospital privileges for lack of documentation to complete billing, but also, yeah, when Cuddy was like “I budgeted $100,000 for lawsuits against him” I about fell off the couch yelling “NO EFFING WAY.”)

          Reply ↓
    8. Meh*

      I binged all of The Traitors (US) and then watched the Australian version. I much prefer theirs. American reality/game shows are bring out the ugly in people, or they play it up and that’s just not what I need these days.

      Reply ↓
    9. Bluebell Brenham*

      Paradise is new on Hulu and I’ve watched 2 episodes so far. It’s by the same producer as This is Us and runs in two timelines. Sterling K Brown heads up security for President James Marsden. It’s very promising!

      Reply ↓
    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      The more recent version of *All Creatures Great and Small*. I’m not particularly loving the most recent series/season, but I would highly recommend seasons 1-3. Season 3 is particularly excellent.

      Reply ↓
    12. Nervous Nellie*

      I have started into Let’s Eat, a Korean drama about 4 singles to who get together to eat out to avoid the discomfort they feel dining alone. It’s light & charming. The first 2 seasons are free on Tubi right now, with a subtitles toggle available even to users who don’t sign in.

      Reply ↓
    13. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Started watching Gladiator 2, got halfway through before bedtime, and decided not to continue the next day because it’s not nearly as good as the original. We decided to re-watch the original Gladiator instead, and enjoyed it a LOT more.
      I really hate how I sound when I say movie writing is much lower quality, it feels like yelling about “kids these days…” But I’ve had the same experience now with several recent sequels to franchises I really enjoy! The third Ant-Man movie, we made it 45 minutes in without anyone explaining the plot to any of the characters (and by extension the audience), and had to turn it off because we were bored and frustrated. The first and second Ant Man movies were awesome and heartwarming! Same with the third Deadpool movie, we made it halfway in and weren’t invested in the plot at all, when they abruptly introduced a new villain they hadn’t even hinted at before and derailed the entire storyline. Meanwhile the first two were both heartbreaking and eventually heartwarming and had a strong emotional connection to the characters from the start. (yeah, I know, they’re both Marvel movies, what did I expect, but both of them were outside the main Marvel storyline and had two excellent movies already. I was super excited for both of them!) Those are just the two most recent and I know there’s been others but none of them were memorable enough even as failures! Just bland, “meh” storytelling and reused plots…
      Well, this turned into a bit of a rant but watching movies has been frustrating more often than not lately.

      Reply ↓
    14. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Certainly not a suggestion for most folks, but I’m attempting a rewatch of Doctor Who (NuWho only). I did not like the 12th Doctor years at all — checked out for awhile, dipping back in occasionally to see if I liked it any better — and I’m curious if I’ll like him better this time. Last night I saw the end of the 11+ Amy/Rory era and that makes me sad, love that combo. That and 10 + Donna are my favs.

      Finished my Chuck (everyman tech guy becomes accidental spy) rewatch before it disappeared from Max — such a lot of fun and I always recommend it. One new-to-me show in my rotation is Haven (small town plagued by supernatural powers), and I might be tapping out in S5. It’s getting annoying! Also watching Somebody Somewhere (dramedy set in Kansas) and everyone seems to love it but I think it’s just ok. I don’t love or hate any of the characters. They’re…fine?

      Reply ↓
  16. Shiny Penny*

    Does anyone have any recommendations about where to buy N-95 masks that are *for sure* authentic?
    I learned about the organization “Project N-95” here, on one of the AAM weekend threads (huge thanks to whoever mentioned them!). It was such a relief to be able to buy through them, and stop worrying about counterfeit masks. Sadly, Project N-95 shut down a couple years ago, feeling their job was done because covid had gotten under control.
    I still need a safe source of good masks, though, and my family is getting too close to the end of our stock.
    Any ideas on good sources?

    Reply ↓
    1. Brave Little Roaster*

      I buy KN-95s from Bona Fide masks. They have different colors and a few different sizes and styles.

      Reply ↓
      2. stickyglizard*

        Thirding Bona Fide masks. I found them from a list of authentic mask distributors on a local news report reporting on the fake N95 issue back in 2020, and I’ve been very happy. Lots of options, good pricing, regular 15/20% off coupons, and very reasonable shipping fees.

        Reply ↓
    2. Hope this helps*

      There seems to be a project N-95 website with links to where you can buy masks that they had vetted during Covid. Otherwise reputable retailers like CVS. And 3M seems to have links to where you can buy there products. So check the manufacturers’ web sites for the masks you have now.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yes, I used to get my masks from the Project N-95 website and they still list referrals to reputable sources.

        Reply ↓
        1. Shiny Penny*

          Thank you Woodswoman! I did decide to use their links, but it’s a bit of a bummer that the links were last authenticated an entire year ago.
          So I did buy some masks that way, but thought I’d see if anyone knew anything more up to date.
          Really grateful they still have the links up, though!

          Reply ↓
    3. Derivative Poster*

      I buy KF94 masks (the South Korean equivalent) from Kollecte USA, a website that specializes in Korean products. Back in 2021 or thereabouts, I read an interview with someone who tested masks, and he said in his experience the KF94s were much less likely to be counterfeit.

      Reply ↓
      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        I have been using KF94 masks as well, and I find they are very comfortable. I also like that they come with a sleeve you can put the mask back in when not wearing it, and mine came with a little hook you could use to hold the mask on, which kept my ears from getting sore.

        Reply ↓
      2. Reba*

        I get KF94 masks from MaskLab!
        I find this style is more comfortable and better fit for my face, and these ones are fun.

        Reply ↓
    4. Isabel Archer*

      During the pandemic I did the research and bought masks from Aegle. I bought direct from them, but can’t find their website now. Their masks seem to be available from a lot of vendors now, including AMZ, but I definitely preferred buying direct to avoid knockoffs and straight-up fraud products.

      Reply ↓
    6. N95s*

      I buy mine direct from the Honeywell website. I liked the molded cup ones, they feel very secure to me and don’t move as much as KN95s.

      Reply ↓
    8. Ashley*

      I get most of mine from the hardware store where I bought them for years pre-pandemic. They don’t always have the individually wrapped ones though which are nice for the glove box.

      Reply ↓
    9. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Home Depot, of all places. They have them there for non-medical purposes (think sanding nasty stuff) but they’re definitely genuine – I get 3M there. You’re not going to get anything other than white, however.

      Reply ↓
    10. V.*

      I’m a fan of BreatheTeq KN95 masks (really comfortable/breatheable as well as effective) and buy them directly from their website.

      Reply ↓
    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Armbrust for N95s–I like the duckbill style–or Bona Fide masks for the Powecom KN95s, which are available with ear loops.

      Reply ↓
    12. Childless*

      Throwing in another vote for Armburst. They’re the only disposable masks brand that I’ve purchased because I wanted something American-made and was worried about cheap/counterfeit masks on Amazon. I haven’t bought them recently, but bought many boxes for my family during Covid and thought they were well-made and comfortable. They come in a couple different colors, so each person I bought them for got their favorite color, which was fun. I subscribed to e-mails because they usually have coupon codes around holidays (usually masks of specific colors).

      Reply ↓
  17. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What, if anything, are you hoping to do this weekend?

    I’m moving tomorrow, and I want to try to bring some semblance of order to my new apartment.

    Reply ↓
      1. Le le lemon*

        Videos and long-nosed tweezers are your friend here! Also, if you have access to 4 colours (even just machine thread, which isn’t *technically* overlocking thread), thread it up and stitch a sample so you can get an understanding of what each upper and lower looper does. Tension is the hardest thing to get correct.
        Also: some overlockers are finicky, and need to be threaded R to L.

        Reply ↓
        1. Six Feldspar*

          Luckily it’s threaded already! I’ll test it to tidy up some towels with ragged edges and if it goes well I’ll borrow it again another time for more advanced projects

          Reply ↓
    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m going to dive into the clutter that accumulated over a period of time when I was not attentive to it because I was sick, traveling on weekends, and sick again. It’s amazing how quickly that one thing you set down to deal with later becomes a pile.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        I have to do that too this weekend, I call it a reset button clean… Good thing to do when you want to feel accomplished but not to leave the house

        Reply ↓
    3. Feeding the Paperwork Monster*

      I have paperwork to do. Mouuuuntains of paperwork. I need to sit down and fill it in and copy stuff and make tidy stacks of Take This To Appointment A, Take This to Appointment B and so on. I’ve done all the other things: I spent three hours yesterday just gathering the information about what paperwork I need to bring where and when; I’ve made all the appropriate appointments–all three of them! And now I need to do that last step of filling in the things…

      Reply ↓
    4. Bobina*

      I *want* to go out and do some garden cleanup before spring arrives too much. However that requires being outside, while inside is cosy and warm. So we’ll see!

      Reply ↓
    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The shower repair is supposed to start today. And I need to do bills in advance of my upcoming shoulder repair.

      Reply ↓
    6. TechWorker*

      I have had a cheese making kit in the back of my cupboard since Covid – I think it was a December 2019 Christmas present and then using 4 litres of milk (!) felt horrifically wasteful and I never got around to it. There’s no date on it so I am hoping the other bits don’t go off…

      Reply ↓
      1. Alice*

        Maybe you will feel better about it if you make a plan for how to use up the whey (byproduct)? You can use it for baking or soaking grains or lots of other things.

        Reply ↓
    8. GoryDetails*

      Here’s an example of procrastination that went on waaaaay too long. My smallish house has central heat/air, which has worked pretty well over the decades that I’ve lived here. Have had to replace/repair the furnace and A/C a couple of times, but in general it’s been fine. However, a recent upgrade resulted in the tech telling me that I might need some changes in the venting to handle the new burner properly – well and good, if a bit pricey.

      Well, before the appointment to figure out how much new venting I’d need, I decided to take a look at the existing return vents (the ones that let the house air back into the furnace for recirculation, very important). And… one of them was in the hall and apparently fine, while the other was behind a tall wall-unit and was completely caked with dust and cat-fur {wry grin}. I had to shift the furniture to clear the thing off, and was embarrassed that I hadn’t done that in… at least 25 years?

      OK then. The tech shows up, I explain how I cleared the vent, he did the measurements – and still needed more venting. So he took the grills off of those return vents, and found that the one in the hall, while clear on the outside, was packed *solid* with dust and cat fur. Quite literally packed – I could have knitted a whole new cat from the stuff that was in there. I was thoroughly gobsmacked (and embarrassed – I’d meant to take off the grills myself just to check, and procrastinated). No wonder my vents would wheeze and the sides would bend in and out whenever the furnace kicked on – the poor thing’s arteries were blocked. I can’t believe it still worked…

      I did still need some vent-work done, but the whole system is much quieter now that the blockage is gone. And I have a new to-do item: at least once every year or two I will open the darned grills!

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s like moving the stove and fridge in the kitchen to confront the hellscape that builds up under there…

        Reply ↓
    9. PollyQ*

      I’m going to work on cleaning my bathroom tomorrow. It may not be all-the-way immaculate, but it will definitely be better than when I started.

      Reply ↓
    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Filling out the paperwork for my mom’s insurance claims. I had to get the death certificate emailed from my sister and the forms really piled up.

      Also have to go through all my saved cards and envelopes to find our late Harvey’s hair/whisker that I saved when he passed. We lost our Peanut a few days ago and want to put those with his fur clipping.

      Reply ↓
  18. Six Feldspar*

    What are your favourite music videos?

    I love:
    – Here It Goes Again by Ok Go (treadmills!)
    – Thriller by Michael Jackson (needs no introduction)
    – Corner Of My Sky by Kelly Lee Owens (man vs magical toaster)
    – I Want To Break Free by Queen (get it stuck in my head whenever I vacuum)

    Reply ↓
    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I am not a big music video person, but here are two I have enjoyed in recent years (also both great artists):
      – The Staves, Black and White (news reporters who are a couple and they are fighting in between being on camera)
      – Orla Gartland, Zombie (she hunts zombies who are basically men out of touch with their feelings)

      Reply ↓
    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Take on Me – a-ha
      Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper (honestly, all her videos are good)
      Don’t Answer Me – Alan Parsons Project
      Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet

      The second two, I like the songs fine but especially like the videos.

      Reply ↓
      1. GoryDetails*

        >> Take on Me – a-ha
        >> Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper

        Same! (Looking at other replies I think “Take On Me” is going to win the voting {grin}.)

        Reply ↓
    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Take On Me by A-Ha (still one of the best videos ever made)
      Losing My Religion by REM
      Thriller by Michael Jackson (genuine cultural phenomenon at this point)

      I will undoubtedly think of more around 2 am…

      Reply ↓
    8. The Dude Abides*

      Hellraiser – Motörhead
      Rock the Casbah – The Clash
      Enjoy the Silence – Depeche Mode
      Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz

      Reply ↓
    10. allathian*

      I haven’t seen any recent videos, but old favorites include:
      Take On Me by A-ha (this seems to be a favorite)
      Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel (claymation by Aardwark Animations, the studio behind Wallace & Gromit and Shaun the Sheep)
      Money for Nothing by Dire Straits for the early computer animations
      Walk of Life by Dire Straits for the sports mishaps
      Vogue by Madonna for the cool moves and look
      Thriller by Michael Jackson, one of the first music videos that was a piece of art in its own right rather than just an ad for the music
      If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher, her sitting on the cannon is epic

      Reply ↓
    11. heckofabecca*

      Here It Goes Again is incredible!!! Truly a phenomenon. I also love:

      – Genghis Khan by Miike Snow
      – To-Do List | Game Changer Karaoke Animated (improv karaoke! animated!! will be most enjoyable if you are familiar with Dropout/Game Changer, since there are a bunch of easter eggs and cameos)
      – GUY.EXE by SUPERFRUIT
      – the Ghost series by Louie Zong (Ghost Duet, e.g.) (also animated)
      – special shout-out to my friend’s parody – “WAP – Well-Armed Peasants – THE VIDEO” by Elise Roth

      Today I realized that most of the music I watch in video format is “people playing music while being filmed” (i.e. Postmodern Jukebox), which is not the same category for me as “music video”!!

      Reply ↓
      1. Angstrom*

        Of the Postmodern Jukebox videos, I keep coming back to “Bad Romance ” for the tap. So much fun.
        Heart’s Kennedy Center performance of “Stairway to Heaven” is big in every way.

        Reply ↓
    12. Angstrom*

      Bonnie Raitt: Thing Called Love — flirting
      OK Go: Skyscrapers — clothing
      Paula Abdul: Straight Up — visually striking

      Reply ↓
    13. Invisible Barney*

      – “Take Me Out,” Franz Ferdinand
      – “Move Your Feet,” Junior Senior
      – “Rhythm Nation,” Janet Jackson
      – “She Bop,” Cyndi Lauper

      Reply ↓
    14. LBD*

      Otava Yo – A Cat Has Four Legs. Also Once Upon a High Hill, Ivan the Crayfish, The Street Cleaner, By the River, and more.
      The Dead South – In Hell I’ll Be in Good Company
      The Lounge Kittens – Poison
      sonsofmaxwell – United Breaks Guitars, and United Breaks Guitars Song 2
      Vince Vaccaro (feat St James Music Academy) – Brother
      Hey Ocean! – Sleepwalker
      Coeur de pirate – Ensemble
      Elton John – Tiny Dancer
      Macy Gray – Beauty In The World
      Dropkick Murphys – Rose Tattoo
      Paul Simon – You Can Call Me Al

      Reply ↓
    15. Evvy*

      Have a Nice Day by World Order has been my favorite music video in the world ever since I saw it!
      Red Wine Supernova by Chappell Roan

      Reply ↓
    16. Turtle Dove*

      Two recent favorites with their exact titles on YouTube:

      Louis Baker – R A I N B O W (Official Music Video)
      It feels intimate.

      Noah Kahan – Stick Season (Live on SNL)
      It helped me through a loss, and the musicians’ joy delights me.

      Reply ↓
    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      –We’re Not Going to Take It Anymore, Twisted Sister. Good for when you’re full of rage.
      –Don’t Stop Me Now (the official video on YouTube), Queen. Freddie Mercury and Brian May rocking out are so fun to watch.
      –Mickey, Toni Basil. Groovy song, cheerleaders, led by Basil herself (in her old high school cheerleading uniform).
      –Love Shack, B-52s. Weird, but great commitment.
      –White and Nerdy, Weird Al Yankovich. Hilarious parody of Riding Dirty that features Donny Osmond dancing his heart out. Donny did such an amazing job that there is also a video of his whole dance performance uncut.
      –All I Want for Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey singing live with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots on classroom instruments and some adorable kids singing backup. It warms my cold, dead heart.
      –It’s Raining Men, The Weather Girls. Lowest of low budgets for the video, but they are having such fun with it.
      –I Love the Night Life, Alicia Bridges. I had never seen a picture of her before, just loved the song from my youth. A few seconds into the video, I was like, OMG, she’s a lesbian?! Yay!!!

      Reply ↓
      1. Angstrom*

        Oooh! The Muppets versions of “Hey Mr. Bassman” and “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. And the epic Viking “In The Navy”. :-)

        Reply ↓
    20. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I don’t think I’ve seen a music video in about twenty years, since I don’t tend to watch tv, let alone music television. Thus, my choices are from when I used to watch tv xD
      -> Weapon of Choice – Fatboy Slim
      (Christopher Walken dancing around a deserted hotel lobby)
      -> Virtual Insanity – Jamiroquai
      (just because at the time I had never seen anyone dance like Jay Kay does here)
      -> Upside Down & Inside Out – OK Go
      (shot in an aeroplane simulating periods of micro-gravity via parabolic flight)
      -> Right here, right now – Fatboy Slim
      (the entire timeline of human evolution in 3.5min)
      -> Chapel Song – We are Augustines
      (simple but I really like it; maybe made better by the song itself)

      Reply ↓
    21. GoryDetails*

      I haven’t seen many recent music videos (and seldom listen to new music anyway – I listen to audiobooks instead of the radio when in the car), but I have favorites from the early days of music videos. I’ve seconded a few that were posted up-thread, and will add:

      “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler – very weird but I love it. (I also love the “literal video” version, where someone did a cover of the song substituting descriptions of what’s going on on the screen for the actual lyrics. There was a flurry of literal-video action some years back, and that was one of the best.)

      Meatloaf: “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” (that one’s a performance-video but I still love it) and “I Would Do Anything For Love”

      “I Drove All Night” by Roy Orbison (with Jason Priestley and Jennifer Connolly in the video)

      Reply ↓
    23. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      My all time favorite is Take on Me by A-Ha

      Honorable mention is White Knuckles by Ok Go (and the behind the scenes video on how they trained the dogs for the video)

      Reply ↓
    1. Lemonwhirl*

      I had a couple of small habits I wanted to incorporate into my daily routine:
      – Doing daily pushups and adding one pushup each day. I do them first thing in the morning (and I remind myself by throwing a pillow on the floor when I’m waking up). Have managed to keep this resolution – did 32 pushups today. (They are from the knees, not full-body length.) I am already seeing the benefits, for example, it’s much easier to get out of the bath.
      – Daily balance exercises – balancing on each leg, eyes closed, arms crossed. I’ve not been successful in this one because I don’t like it and I haven’t figured out a way to measure progress. I might pick this one back up in March after I think about how to measure it.
      – Reading a bird card from Wingspan each day. (It’s a board game with amazing art and each card in the game has a drawing and lots of information about a bird.) We have all the expansions, so we probably have over 500 cards, and when the game is played, you might see 100 or 150 cards. So I wanted a way to bring a little joy into my life without buying something new, like a daily calendar. I have a google drive where I keep a list of the birds I’ve “collected” this way and have been successful at keeping this resolution.

      Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m making myself do lunges almost every morning and they definitely test your balance, maybe try those?

        Reply ↓
      2. TechWorker*

        For your balance exercises – can you time it to measure progress? That’s what my physio did (same exercise, though I don’t think I had to cross my arms). There’s obviously variability but you could look at your average time each week, say.

        If your times are super short you could start with eyes open and/or not crossing arms – it might be that you need to build up a bit before going straight for the difficult balance exercise.

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      3. Falling Diphthong*

        For the balance, there’s a device called a wobble balance board (a disk you stand on, atop a hemisphere). Popular in physical therapy for ankle injuries. You can time how long you can stand on it with 2 legs, with 1 leg, eyes closed, etc.

        For the first, the daily aspect seems to be key with the seniors at the gym where I exercise–if you do X every day, then you continue to be able to do it as you age.

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    2. Six Feldspar*

      I don’t make resolutions but for the last couple of years I’ve been picking a verb to focus on (eg diversify in 2023, destash in 2024). This year’s one is “simplify” because I want to make things easier for myself and it’s going well so far:
      – except for office days I’ve been doing what I call “analogue time” every morning when first thing I make a cup of tea and sit outside drinking it watching the garden
      – trying to shop week by week, one day a week, and meal prep for the week so I’m not constantly cooking
      – limiting myself to one op shop crawl day a month (so it’s an event and not just something I do whenever I’m bored)
      – shopping more intentionally in general and taking the time to find what I’m actually looking for instead of ten things that are close but not exactly it

      Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t because it is so strongly associated with abandoning the resolution by mid-January. So when I started lifting weights a year ago, I made sure I started in December. (I am still doing this, recommend it for overall health, and my spouse has started going with me.)

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    4. Nola*

      My resolution last year was to majorly declutter my house. By far the hardest room was the kitchen. I had tons of stuff I definitely hadn’t used in more than a year. Things I had bought, hand me downs, things I picked up at Goodwill, etc. Everything from kitchen gadgets, serverware, specialty baking pans, cool drinking cups. Some I could part with fairly easily but there was still a (very large) boxes of things I really wanted to keep.

      So this year my resolution is to actually use those things!

      So far I’ve:

      I’ve made deviled eggs – and used the deviled egg server I bought at a yard sale two decades ago and but haven’t used in years.

      I made madelines – using the baking sheet I got on sale and probably only used once previously.

      Tomorrow I’m going to have a fancy solo tea party using a tea set my husband pulled out of his parents attic when they were cleaning up after his dad died.

      If something still doesn’t get used by the end of the year then I’ll get rid of it because I truly have no desire to use it.

      Reply ↓
  20. goddessoftransitory*

    Combo reading/viewing question:

    What’s the oddest/most memorable reading rabbit hole you’ve gone down after watching a show/movie/documentary?

    Off the top of my head, mine would be reading The King in Yellow after watching season one of True Detective, and Nabokov’s Pale Fire after Bladerunner 2024. It can be watching a movie version of X and then checking out the source material or more esoteric paths!

    Reply ↓
    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I saw the Dateline about the Betsy Faria case, then read Bone Deep, then watched The Thing About Pam, which brought me full circle. Highly recommend the book to get all the nuances

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Chernobyl. I was alive for this, and figured I remembered it, but man was there a ton of stuff going on around it.

      The mini-series is excellent and I recommend it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ashley*

      Virgin River Season 1 and Sweet Magnolias. I can no longer watch new seasons of the show because of book variations but there are a lot of books associated with both series.

      Reply ↓
    4. allx*

      I am usually a “no, but I read the book” person when it comes to movies, so have usuallly read the book by the time a movie comes out. One time I remember where I did the reverse was seeing Melissa McCarthy in “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” -an excellent film about a writer who fakes letters from literary greats and then sells the frauds to rare works collectors/shops. I was fascinated by Lee Isreal so read her memoir of the same title.

      Reply ↓
    5. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I watched the first couple of seasons of The Crown, and was constantly checking real history to see how much license they took. (Spoiler: a lot.) I learned a bunch about the post-war dynamics, Elizabeth, and Winston. Really interesting to me: The King being “the Crown” and not a man and therefore not privy to his own medical information, which also helped me understand why many of them change their names to mark the shift. Elizabeth’s woefully inadequate education and preparation to hold her own, even superficially, with heads of state. And Churchill burning the portrait of himself because it made him look old and he was vain. (Having seen the studies, I’m kind of with Winnie. The artist wanted honesty but there’s honesty and there’s brutal honesty and none of us want the latter in a portrait.)

      Reply ↓
  21. Rara Avis*

    A question for the cat people of AAM: we have a cat who is absolutely terrified of being picked up. When we first got her two years ago (at the age of 9 months) she was so scared of the world that she was cuddly. But as she got braver, she got more independent. She will allow petting on her own terms, mainly coming to ask for affection when I’m sitting at the kitchen table. But any move in her direction (even just walking down the hall when she’s out and about) sends her scurrying for a hiding place. For a while I tried to pick her up occasionally when I had no nefarious purpose, but she hated it so much that now she only gets caught for flea treatments and nail trimmings. And that involves pulling her out from one of her hiding places, while she pees like a toad fending off a predator.

    All that for context. She has her annual vet visit tomorrow. Got a call from the office today asking if we wanted to come down today to get Gabapentin to calm her down for the appointment, because evidently the vet noted it in her chart last year. There’s no way I could have gotten to the office before it closed on a couple of hours’ notice on a work day. So they gave me a kind of snarky warning that if they can’t do what they need to do, we’ll have to reschedule the appointment and bring her back with the meds onboard.

    The thing is, she isn’t dangerous or bitey. Just terrified and squirmy, so her claws can be an issue when she clings for dear life. But isn’t that part of veterinary medicine, dealing with scared animals? And we’ve always helped hold her still on the examination table. The way I remember the conversation last year is that the vet mentioned Gabapentin as an option if we wanted to lessen her stress level, not because he and the vet techs couldn’t handle her.

    So I guess the question is, is the med no big deal and I should plan on doing it for future appointments? And if they ask me to pay for a second appointment, can I argue (without being an asshole client) that they should have given me the information with more lead time? This appointment was scheduled almost a month ago.

    Reply ↓
    1. WS*

      I have a cat who took three years to get used to being picked up and she’s still not fond of it. Gabapentin is not a big deal, makes it less traumatic for the cat (so she doesn’t fear the vet as much in future) and if it works, yes, do it again.

      The short notice is not great, though.

      Reply ↓
    2. Shiny Penny*

      There’s more attention now on trying to create a “fear free”veterinary experience for animals. (That’s the google-able phrase.) So giving “comfort medicines” is a thing now, whereas it just wasn’t when we were kids.

      They like gabapentin because it is less of an attractive nuisance for human addicts (who have been known to use their animal to get meds from the vet to use themselves, or sell). Also it’s relatively cheap and has a useful interval of effectiveness. And it’s not a scheduled drug like clonazepam or alprazolam, so it’s less paperwork and legal hassle to prescribe. And it seems helpful for a lot of cats.

      Scientist who study fear in animals have learned that giving a terrified animal a strong sedative (the historic approach if brute force wasn’t working) does make handling the animal easier for the humans, but leaves the animal to fully experience all the terror and panic. This is pretty awful for the animal, and also guarantees the traumatized animal will have an even worse experience next time, and be even harder to handle. So straight sedatives are no longer considered a very good plan.

      Gabapentin seems to work well for a lot of cats, according to friends who give it to their cats before vet and grooming appointments. However, I feel like it’s one of those meds where a dry run is wise. Ask for enough to give a dose to your cat on some weekend day when you will be at home to observe for the whole duration of its effect. (I plan to be home and observing with any new medication I give my dog, but not sure if this is in common awareness.) I know only one person whose cat had an atypical reaction and Gabapentin made him extra frantic instead of extra calm, but she was super happy to not discover that on the car ride to the vet appointment.

      tl/dr: It might be less about whether your vet can competently manhandle your cat and “get the job done,” and more about a belated realization that it’s a kind thing to try to reduce the medical trauma our pets are subjected to.

      (I Am Not A Vet but I have had a rescue dog with extreme fear of… everything… for over a decade now. I was lucky enough to be within driving distance of one of the small handful of behavioral vets in the US when I adopted my dog. I strongly believe in the value of medication for terrified animals.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Isabel Archer*

        How long are dog and cat memories, do we know? I’m wondering why a rescued pet would still be terrified of everything after 10 years — presumably, 10 years of love and kindess and nothing scary. That’s more than half the lifetime of an average critter. So why doesn’t their new. cared-for life become their default after six months or a year or so? I get that there are some truly ghastly humans out there, but do pets really not forget? No out of sight out of mind peace? My 3:00 a.m. brain is really curious. #beagoldfish

        Reply ↓
        1. WS*

          It’s like humans – things that happen in early childhood tend to leave a big mark on you, consciously or not, because when you have very few experiences, the ones you have help form your view on life. Like humans, animals can be helped to overcome this, but to what degree and how exactly is highly variable.

          Reply ↓
        2. Six Feldspar*

          I agree with WS, and I think it’s also a matter of exposure. I’ve seen a lot of advice the last few years about taking pets to the vet, in the car, etc when they’re young or new so they get used to the experience – but I don’t remember that when I was growing up and I’m not sure how widespread it is.

          So it’s definitely possible that you’d have a cat or dog that’s only been to the vet a few times in their life, and those times they were in pain/sick and/or terrified of the whole process. They haven’t had any opportunity to form other impressions! (Humans too… How many of us go to the emergency department when we’re feeling fine just to see how the whole thing works?)

          Reply ↓
        3. Crop Tiger*

          We rescued an abused cat once who was about a year old. It took him eight years to go up onto the furniture, ten to sit on someone’s lap, and was always terrified of men in boots until the day he died at 21. They remember. Not remembering could be bad.

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        4. goddessoftransitory*

          Memory with animals tends to be much more hardwired, I think. It makes sense–they don’t want to keep trying those berries or cross that dangerous bog more than once, so even after years a certain taste, sight, smell or area can trigger the NOPE reflex.

          Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Can only say Gaba did NOT work for my fear-reactive dog and I don’t think made him even much easier to handle. He recognized the feeling of being drugged and it made him angry.

        Reply ↓
    3. strawberry lemonade*

      Vet techs are really used to handling animals, but drugs are an important tool that they use for cats. They need to stay safe dealing with scared unpredictable animal, and do stuff that requires her to be not squirming so much. It’s annoying that they were snarky and gave you short notice that it was a requirement.

      They can ask you to pay for a second appointment, if they can’t do what they need to do they’ll just have to.

      Reply ↓
    4. ronda*

      I would talk to the vet about it… including (mostly?) how they are communicating about it. If you dont get a satisfactory response try another vet. My sister has switched vets because the vet was not listening to her about the problems. she has now found one who listens and explains the things she is recommending.

      you might also find a vet who specializes in cats if you think that would help.

      Reply ↓
    5. tabloidtainted*

      It’s no big deal. My cat is very strong, which makes him difficult to manhandle, and easily stressed. He could be managed when he was younger, but now that he’s older it’s an extra strain on him. He just has less tolerance overall. Gabapentin helps take him from level 10 to level 5 and it wears off quickly.

      Reply ↓
    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Hopefully the issue for your vet was at the front desk and not from the practitioners. If the vet themself gives you attitude or refuses to see your cat without the medication, you might want to consider whether switching to a new practice is an option. You are correct in that handling a scared animal is part of the job, and owners shouldn’t be chastised – or charged! – for not being told about what the vet deemed necessary medication.
      We actually switched to a new vet clinic when the first one labeled our cat as vicious and refused to even do a checkup without fully sedating him (an extra $80 every visit). The thing is, his aggression was their fault, they took a sick cat with separation anxiety out of the room with his people, after hurting him trying to get a urine sample. It was an awful experience for him AND for us. And THEN they gave us a condescending attitude on the phone that was entirely uncalled for.
      The new vet was way better, and believed us when we said the best thing was to let him see us the entire time, he was scared and wiggly and noisy but didn’t try to hurt anyone. We also took him to the “vet day” at Petco to get his shots this year, it went super smoothly and they didn’t have a single problem.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, there’s a big range with vets. I get it, it’s a stressful occupation and you see the worst of the world – but I’m not going to pay eye-popping prices just so me and my pets can get yelled at and pushed around, as much as I sympathize. And once they label your pet a troublemaker sometimes that’s the end of the line.

        Reply ↓
  22. Not your typical admin*

    We’ve had our first warm spell, so I’m planning for spring planting and looking for recommendations for plants that grow well in baskets. We have a wooden privacy fence all around our backyard and I’m thinking about attaching some baskets to add some decoration and color

    Reply ↓
    1. GoryDetails*

      This will vary depending on your zone and on the amount of sun your fence will get. Old standbys include geraniums, begonias, and petunias, among others. Fuschias are a bit weird-looking for my taste but the hummingbirds like them so I’ve gotten them some years. I do like a combination of dark red geraniums and white alyssum (which has a light honey-ish scent) or deep blue heliotrope (which has a kind of almond-extract “cherry pie” scent).

      Anything in a vivid red will pop more from a distance; if you’re going to be closer to the fence, more subtle options like those “antique” shades of petunias could be lovely.

      Oh, and there are lots of varieties of nasturtiums that might work, from the ones that stay small to the ones that will trail happily over the edge of the container.

      Reply ↓
      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Seconding all your suggestions. It really depends on your climate, but I am huge fan of nasturtiums. They come in so many colors and habits, plus you can put them on your salads and eat them! (a little peppery)

        Reply ↓
  23. a Windows 11 question*

    I’ve started using Windows 11 and this one thing is bugging me (really various things are bugging me about this OS but this one in particular…)

    There’s a colored strip partway across the top of MS folders and all the way across the top of Word documents. I’m assuming that this is a Microsoft design decision, not one made by the laptop maker. The problem is that the strip is the same color as the background that I selected for the home screen. I’m frequently trying to move a document or a folder using what I think is that top strip but no, my cursor is a bit further up and is on the background.

    Is there a way to change the color of that strip? Or does anyone know what it’s called so I can google this? So far my attempts have brought up answers that were not relevant.

    Reply ↓
    1. FanciestCat*

      Google “Microsoft change accent color”. I think that should get you what you’re looking for. Add on “Word” or “Excel” to find the settings for those applications, the Office apps accent settings are independent of the main accent setting.

      Reply ↓
    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yoy just reminded me I’m about to get upgraded to 11 at work, but it’s while I’ll be on medical leave. Another thing to hash out this week.

      The tech wants to reimage my whole PC. I have so many non-Windows apps (eg Adobe and its custom workspaces) that this makes me cringe. But I have more faith in her judgment than corporate just pushing a universal update…

      How did you go about it, or were you lucky enough to time it for a new PC?

      Reply ↓
      1. a Windows 11 question*

        A new PC which I bought, despite not wanting to move to Win11, because my old Win10 laptop was failing. I know it’s futile to resist MS’s newest bright idea as they change the OS over time, but I hate having to learn a new system and lose favorite old features every few years. If I didn’t find iOS to be incomprehensible (but I do), I would have abandoned Windows a long time ago.

        Reply ↓
    3. Hypatia*

      Go to “settings” and look for “personalization” or try right-clicking on the background and select Personalize. Select “colors” to change accent color or color theme.

      Reply ↓
  24. Poppy Flower*

    Been really down in the dumps about the state of the world. I saw a post online about someone saying they don’t know how to go on when they’ve realized how little empathy humans have for each other. I’m normally someone who can pick myself up, find the bright side of a bad situation, hold onto hope in the worst of times. But that post has been weighing on my mind for days.

    I love to volunteer so I’m usually surrounded by people who are willingly spending their free time and overflowing with empathy. That puts me in a good mood. But then I go to my local grocery store where either an employee or another shopper is always there at the same time as me, because I can easily recognize a car with a huge sticker in the windshield that says “don’t touch my car, I have security cameras, I hate sharing the road with you all” only with a couple actual swear words. I can’t remember the last time I time I shopped that I didn’t see that car there.

    I’ve always tried to hold onto “the world is a good place with load spots of bad” but lately it feels like “the world is a bad place with few and far between spots of good”. How do you go on with life and find joy in things?

    Reply ↓
    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I have a personal project this year to acknowledge and if possible praise a stranger every day, so far so good ! I have been focusing on women apparently over retirement age (like me) and mothers in general. For the older women I will say in passing for example what a fantastic coloured shirt they are wearing, or isn’t it great to be out having coffee, and for the mothers I will tell them what lovely parenting they are doing in some way.
      Recently I said to someone “What a fancy coat!” And she said “Look! It’s reversible! And you can put your hands in the pockets from either side!” We agreed this was very impressive.
      So that’s one low key way to notice other people and by acknowledging them maybe give their mood a little spark.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aphrodite*

      I refuse to succumb to that way of thinking and acting. And I find the more I practice it, the easier it becomes to hang onto it. I designed special thank you business-type cards that thanks people for doing their job and encourages them to remember that they are who they think they are. It brings so much joy to those who get them; it also brings me immense joy.

      There is a lot of meanness in the world and it seems to be getting more so. But those who want to dwell in it, l8ke the owner of the car you mentioned don’t bother me much any more. I just shrug and let them live their angry, bitter lives. I can and do ignore all the toxicity at the commnity college where I work because the postive thinking is becoming a bit like a duck’s feather, able to slough off so much of it.

      I subsscribe to two kind of positive things that always cheer and inform me: TUT The Universe and Becoming Minimalist.

      I find that in deterining what kind of life I wanted to have that I could control my own reactions so much better. What I cannot control or fix or help I ignore. I make my own corner of the world better. And I will tell you that I find it feels to good to not care where I cannot.

      Reply ↓
    3. LemonTaffy*

      I feel that way at times too. I try to limit my exposure to the bad stuff and purposefully increase my exposure to the good stuff. I do self-care. I am working on improving my social life. i’ve cut out people who aren’t good for me and I’ve set boundaries for my interactions with people who I need or want to interact with who aren’t very healthy (hello mom and dad)! I try to increase the good in the world when I can- I volunteer with a TNR organization for cats, I play in a community orchestra, I listen to my coworkers’ troubles without judgement, I donate to organizations whose work I believe in and who also can advocate for my concerns, and I leave positive comments only on socials. I call out injustices when i can. I practice letting go of controlling other people to make myself feel better and instead look inward to see what I can do for me. I find my community to know I’m not alone.

      Is this always 100% successful? No. It is a lot of the time though. But giving up in the ultimate defeat way is the worst way to approach this because that only guarantees more bad. If i’m here and you’re here and others are here who are empathic and feel compassion we make the world better, just by being in it and living.

      I think it was Ghandi who said, “be the change you want to see.”

      there’s a lot more I could say, but I hope that helps. thank you for being another beacon of light!

      Reply ↓
    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      Taking a break from the news helps me. They aren’t likely to report on the person who rescued a puppy, the friend who brought another friend dinner after surgery, the med student who’s studying late into the night so she can save lives, the teacher who encouraged a student, the neighbor who picks up trash on his daily walk. It does look grim out there sometimes. But most people are good, just going about their lives, loving each other. Even if they are misguided sometimes.
      When I turn on the tap, there is water. That means all the people at the waterworks are on the job. When I go to the store, there is food. And so on. Don’t lose heart! Think of all the lovely people on this message string.

      Reply ↓
      1. Derivative Poster*

        In case anyone reading this subscribes to the Washington Post, its Inspired Life section reports on exactly this kind of news. Sample headline from last week: An airport piano was filthy and out of tune. He fixed it during a layover.

        Reply ↓
      2. Falling Diphthong*

        In the book Anathem there are people who live cloistered lives, only opening up to the wider world once per year, once per decade, or once per century. One task of those in more frequent contact with the world is to write summaries of what happened for the cloistered–what was important to know about this past decade or century, and what was churn? I’ve thought about that a lot recently.

        I’ve stepped way back from the news in part because being on blast with that firehose of outrage, stupidity, and disinformation is a good way to feel like you’re drowning, without actually being useful to you. You’re always reacting to the latest terrible thing. Right at this moment I think this is a deliberate tactic–my spouse told me about the Gulf of Mexico thing, and that is so dumb it’s practically wearing a hat that says “I am the distraction from the thing they don’t want you to talk about.” Try to step back so the churn isn’t dragging you under.

        Reply ↓
    5. But what to call me?*

      Mostly I’ve settled on “the world is neither good nor bad, just a place with lots of potential for both.” I do what I can to nudge it toward the good while giving myself permission to enjoy the good in my own life, because me being miserable isn’t going to do a thing to help solve anyone’s problems. I don’t always succeed at that, but part of it is giving myself permission to be happy while problems still exist. It can seem almost irresponsible or disrespectful to do that, but it’s really not. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be upset about it, either. That’s a perfectly reasonable response to terrible things happening and to so many people showing the worse side of human nature all at once. It’s just that getting stuck there isn’t helpful, so therefore letting yourself set the problems aside sometimes and enjoy things isn’t failing to be helpful.

      And the world isn’t universally awful, any more than it’s universally good. Neither are people. Any statement about people being mostly good or mostly bad has a million counterexamples. Humans do have empathy and can sometimes behave very selflessly, but at the same time we’re bad at imagining what it’s like to be someone else, are easily convinced of things we don’t know much about by people we think are on our side, and are prone to retreating back to looking out only for our own short-term self-interest when we think something threatening (or just threatening to our egos) is going on. We are both. We can be nudged to behave one way or the other. Unfortunately, the nudges toward the bad side are going strong at the moment, but that doesn’t mean bad is all we are.

      Reply ↓
    6. Pickles*

      The perspective I use is that it was a close election there are people on both sides. I am trying to ignore what I can’t impact and do good work. I have a job serving people who are targets of the administration and we had several grants cut for 8 hours or whatever. The purpose of this is to scare woke people and titillate the trolls. It’s a theater project. Just keep working. Take care of yourself, watch the bachelor and eat ice cream, but then work out the next day and get in there to fight.

      Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        And read up on the federal judges having NONE OF IT and promptly freezing the orders. It really did my heart good to see two different judges flip that spending freeze on its butt.

        Reply ↓
    7. tangerineRose*

      Sometimes the bad, mean people are a lot louder, and the news tends to report all of that stuff. Try focusing on the good things. So many firefighters came to help with the L.A. fire. People helping each other in small ways. Animal rescues.

      Reply ↓
      1. IT Manager*

        Especially inspiring – Mexico (who we are currently demonizing, deporting/jailing their citizens, and threatening with tariffs) sent firefighters!!!

        All the first responders and firefighters who rush to tragedies…There’s a good dose of inspiration for you :-)

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        1. WellRed*

          I spoke with someone in Calabasas. He said despite all the political squabbling, the actual people are pulling together and helping each other. I think that’s true of most human beings, we want to help. But as another comment said, the helpers aren’t the loudest. And that’s OK.

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    8. AnonRN*

      Until I started my current occupation (see username), I thought I was a reasonably well-rounded person who knew a good bit about the world and was pretty open-minded and accepting. I worked in the arts and had an arts-related degree. I had read a lot about the world and been exposed to really very little of it. In my current role I’ve met more types of people than I’d ever considered before. (Political, religious, family constellation, occupation, wealth/poverty, incarcerated, health status, education, language, etc…) Now my takeaway is just “wow, the human experience is vast.” And most people have a reason they are the way they are (a reason that makes sense to them at least). It’s so much more grey than it is black and white. So on my good days I try to just marvel at the breadth of the experience.

      On other days, sometimes the best I can do is think “I get to go home in X hours, but this person has to live with themself all the time!…which might be my answer to the misanthropic shopper.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        We have a couple customers like that–they literally seem to live only to complain. We have mini-novels of records of their endless bitching, and many of them live in big houses in very wealthy parts of town. If anybody wonders whether seven bedrooms and five and half baths will solve all their problems, I can testify that it won’t.

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    9. Silent E*

      Thank you so much for asking for advice for this here. I am having similar feelings lately and others around me are, too, and I’m finding the replies to be helpful.

      Reply ↓
    10. Evvy*

      I’ve had the same experience where every time I go to the grocery store I see the same car there! But my car (well, not “my car”) is a little black sedan plastered with anime boy stickers and a sticker on the back window that says “bestie please let me merge” in a gooby font — seeing it always makes me laugh. Sorry to hear about your car (well, not “your car”…) ! That does sound like a bummer.. For me what helps the most with that “oh god the world” feeling is having phone calls with individual friends. Whether we talk about our shared frustrations together or I just get to hear about a day to day life that is not my own, the great hearts of my friends reassure me about the general state of humanity. I think I understand what the Reddit post you mentioned was trying to say — but one of the things that exacerbates lack of empathy is someone’s distance and detachment from the consequences of their actions towards people they don’t know and don’t have any contact with. I tend to think humans naturally care about one another and want each other to be happy, and that belief is reinforced for me when I interact with basically any of the people in my life I’m close to.. It does hurt when something systemic is inflicted on me by an emergent perfect storm of strangers’ actions. But I try to remind myself how different that situation is.

      Reply ↓
    11. Slinky*

      Oh boy, it’s hard, especially in times like these. For me, the arts (music, literature, galleries, etc.) and nature always help. Bonus if you can cut yourself off from the news and enjoy them for a while. Being in community with like-minded people is also essential. A little over a week ago, at the end of a truly terrible week, I went to see a drag show. I think the entire queer community in a 100 mile radius turned out. It was exactly the kind of love and togetherness we all needed at a very dark time. Also, journaling. Write down the terrible things so you don’t have to keep them in your head, and also keep a running list of everything wonderful that happened. It can be good to look back at it from time to time just to remember that there are a lot of wonderful things still.

      Reply ↓
    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Focusing on local actors who are trying to make the world a better place. Which you are doing, but unfortunately that car seems to have managed to always plop into your awareness. All those real people you interact with are a better data set than one angry car.

      One thing I remind myself of is that there has never been a golden age that was actually golden even for all the local people at that time, much less the whole planet. That’s just not reasonable to state as a goal and then give up because it won’t work–improvement has always been from a local nexus that spread out, and didn’t fix everything for everyone immediately.

      Basically there have always been terrible things, and yet everything good or beautiful that we have created was built while the terrible things were true and ongoing. Everyone who accomplished things before you–the civil rights movement, for example–was going in to fight for the right thing against a host of people who insisted that only the ugliness was allowable. There was no golden age.

      Reply ↓
    13. Sloanicota*

      If this specific car is bothering you and putting a damper on your joy, can you decorate your own car in some way that expresses belief in the goodness of the world? Then every time you are at the store looking at that car, think about your own bumper sticker or whatever you chose, and let it buoy you up.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        I think this is a good idea. Some other strategies for this specific car:

        – If it’s always parked in the same area of the parking lot, can you park far away from there so you’re less likely to see the car? Or avoid looking at the area where it’s parked so you don’t have to see the bumper sticker?

        – Sometimes a mental re-frame can be helpful. Instead of thinking “wow the world is full of bad people and this is one of them,” can you cultivate some sympathy for this person? “Wow, this person must have had some bad experiences on the road to make them so angry/mistrustful. I hope they find happiness in their life.” Maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt in your own head will help you feel like this car/bumper sticker is a person reacting (negatively) to some spots of bad they have come across in their own life, and not an indication that the world is full of badness as default.

        Reply ↓
    14. Falling Diphthong*

      When we look historically at people whom we admire–people who built, people who helped, people who made a difference for those around them, or for future generations–they were doing that in the face of all that bad and pain and anger and rage. Some of them were living under really terrible regimes–sometimes brought in with popular support of the people around them–and they made themselves a nexus of future hope and positive change.

      Reply ↓
    15. Peregrine*

      I think the only real answer is to be actively part of the solution, to be a real helper for people most in need. I think trying to avoid bad news or seeing it as a “show” is ignoring the real people who are going to die, be deported, have their rights taken away, etc. Think of what you’re doing, and ask how those actions would be perceived by us today if you’d been doing them during the Holocaust, or Apartheid, or Jim Crow America. Do your ways of thinking and acting make proportional sense? What more can you do or give that helps real people?

      Reply ↓
      1. Tea Monk*

        That’s a good point. People talk about ” the news” as if we’re spiraling about some reality tv show instead of dealing with impacts on our communities and selves.

        I’m going to take a picture of one good thing a day and hope that helps and try to keep hydrated and exercise to help my mood symptoms. My job may become impossible to do and I don’t want to talk about what if it becomes unpopular to hire black people for decent jobs…

        Reply ↓
    16. SMP*

      Remember that this is what they want. They want us to feel demoralized and defeated. Refusing to give in to that is an act of resistance.

      I work at a children’s hospital so I get a lot of joy from the lovely little people I see all day. I also have cut back on social media and that has helped enormously.

      I saw a post from someone that talked about connecting with people and building community as a way to fight those feelings and I think that’s so true. Your volunteer community is one that can help but maybe there are other communities that could help.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Connecting with people and building community.
        I agree that this is the key part. It was true for the people building good things 80 years ago, 60 years ago, and so on.

        Reply ↓
    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      I went down an enormous history rabbit hole last year and it made me realize that people have been both breathtakingly cruel and amazingly kind forever. I wish I could get some of the bad stuff out of my head now, but it really gave me so much perspective.

      Reply ↓
    18. Childless*

      News media focuses on negative stories more than positive stories because the latter gets more views, so if you’re looking at any news you’re basically looking at the worst stuff that’s happening in the world. When I find myself doom scrolling too much, I try to switch over to scrolling though happy subReddits like:
      r/wholesome
      r/MadeMeSmile
      r/aww
      r/cuteanimals
      r/UpliftingNews
      r/EyeBleach

      Reply ↓
    19. Teal Tshirt*

      My efforts:
      1) Subscribe to The Onion, now also available in print (keeps me off my phone).
      2) No violence for fun, i.e. no mysteries, action movies, serial killer documentaries. Interestingly, this often leads to non-US entertainment, music, and doing things I wouldn’t otherwise.
      3) No daily news, only analyses and e.g. interviews providing facts, ackhround and context. I’m sure cutting out all the Wah Wah This Happened clicks has saved my sanity.
      4) I will add Tea Monk’s suggestion of a daily positive photo op (“Kodak Moment!”) to stay aware of the good/beautiful.

      Reply ↓
  25. Anonymous Cat*

    I turned on Windows Spotlight on my computer and now get a new background photo every day. Sometimes I get one that’s especially cool and I’d like to keep it up for a few days.

    Is there a way to save them? I tried looking for an answer but all the help is about changing the background photo instead of keeping it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve been wondering the same thing about Windows’ lock screens. Some have tempted me to want them as my background screen even.

      Reply ↓
    3. office hobbit*

      Yes! They’re saved here:
      C:\Users\[username]\AppData\Local\Packages\Microsoft.Windows.ContentDeliveryManager_cw5n1h2txyewy\LocalState\Assets

      Open File Explorer and navigate to that folder. You will need to change your view settings to show hidden folders. After you’ve gotten there, you can pin the folder to quick access so you don’t need to remember the whole path.

      There will be about 2-3 days’ worth of images saved there. They cycle off after that, so if you see an image you like, best to grab it soon. Sometimes they cycle off faster.

      The images in that folder don’t have an image extension, so you won’t be able to open them yet. Copy all the files and paste them to a different folder on your machine (can be one you make just for this). Then rename each file to add .jpg to the end. (After renaming one you can tab to get to the next one to make it go faster.) It will give you a warning message about changing file extensions, but just click ok.

      Then you can look at the images and save out the ones you like!

      There are some scripts to automate this, but I’ve never tried them. The process is pretty straightforward once you’ve done it a few times.

      Caveat that I last did this on Windows 10, so I’m not completely sure it’s the same in Windows 11.

      Reply ↓
  26. WoodswomanWrites*

    For any knowledgeable users of the Firefox browser, mine is doing the weirdest thing with videos on YouTube or Instagram. It turns everything into tiny multicolored pixelated squares, mostly bright green, while the sound continues. It also freezes my screen. I don’t have this problem in other browsers.

    I consider myself good at creating searches that will find the answer to things like this online but for the life of me when I try to search for a solution, everything that pops up has nothing to do with my particular problem. Any suggestions for keywords or sources to go to sort this out?

    Reply ↓
    3. TechWorker*

      Try asking ChatGPT or similar – I’ve found them to be much better than a search engine at finding answer to niche technical questions & if their first answer doesn’t make sense you can clarify (‘no I didn’t mean x, I meant y’)

      Reply ↓
  27. WoodswomanWrites*

    This is too long for the joys thread, so I’m posting about a happy ending separately.

    Years ago, I asked here about how to stay in touch with two middle school aged boys I’d known since they were born when their parents’ marriage blew up in a terrible fashion. My friendships with the adults went kablooey, because I lost respect for the dad through his behavior toward his wife, and his wife identified me as her ex’s friend first and wanted nothing to do with me. I kept an ear on news about the kids’ lives which went sideways too with dangerous drugs, depression, basically an overall mess.

    The dad has gotten his life together since then. We cross paths sometimes and I’d heard from him that his kids had turned things around also. This week the dad and I were both at an event and and his oldest son attended later. When the son, now 20, showed up he saw me and gave me a huge hug, told me how much he’d appreciated my friendship as a kid, and invited me to stop by for dinner if I’ll be in the area where he lives a few hours away. He’s bright, healthy, and thriving and shared equally good news about his younger brother who just started college.

    Dad took photos of the two of us together. How I’d missed and worried about this young man who was 14 last time I’d seen him! I’m so touched that we’ve reconnected.

    I’m in such a sweet mind frame now that I’d love hear about comparable experiences. Anyone else have stories about kids who aren’t relatives that you reconnected with positively as adults years later?

    Reply ↓
    1. Not That Jane*

      I’m about to do a virtual hangout with one of my former students who just got married (to another former student!) and is applying to grad school :)

      Reply ↓
    2. Cher Horowitz*

      I do not have a story to share but wanted to thank you for sharing yours. It has brought tears to my eyes and warm feelings to my heart.

      Reply ↓
    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so happy for you (and the kids)! It’s such a blessing to see kids you were worried about turn out to have happy, good lives.

      Reply ↓
    4. Don’t make me come over there*

      I’m the kid in this situation: 20+ years ago, before smartphones and Google Translate, I was working for a big company, staffing a big international trade show. The company had hired translators to help us, but at one point they were all busy and a couple of Algerian customers had some questions. Between their very basic English and my very basic French, I was able to get them the appropriate brochures and the contact information for a more useful person. When I got home, I managed to dig up my high school French teacher’s email address and sent her a note to let her know that I retained at least some of what she taught me! We’re still in touch and we’ve been able to meet up in person a few times, as she lives just a couple hours away from the brother whom I usually visit at Thanksgiving.

      Reply ↓
    5. Chaordic One*

      While I don’t have a directly comparable story, I was childhood friends with the children from a family who lived across the street from us when growing up. They were a bit of an odd family (and, for reasons, some people did look down on them), but now that I’ve grown up I sometimes think back to all of the times they invited me into their home for meals and took me along on short trips to places like the zoo, or on a picnic in a park in the woods near where we lived, or to a nearby lake to go fishing. They were just very decent, salt of the earth people. The parents and older children have all passed, but the 2 youngest children who are near my age are still living and I do hope to reconnect with them. I have a class reunion coming up and I’m hoping see one of them there.

      Reply ↓
  28. WoodswomanWrites*

    Here’s a twist on the usual wildlife thread. What YouTube wildlife webcams do you like to watch?(I know about the many offered through the Explore channel.) I find them so relaxing no matter what else is going on.

    Here are favorites I check regularly, with links in a reply.

    Cornell has a partnership with the New Zealand Department of Conservation that follows the extended nesting season of a pair of royal albatrosses, enormous gentle birds. The biologists who check on their single nestling periodically are always so kind. I like to watch a watering hole in Namibia. And I follow a pair of nesting bald eagles in California.

    Reply ↓
      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Yes, I was going to mention the Big Bear eagle couple, Jackie and Shadow, who produced two eggs in the last couple of weeks. Watching the live-cam is just fascinating.

        Reply ↓
    2. allathian*

      Cool! Last nesting season I followed a pair of nesting ospreys.

      I’m also wondering how Wisdom, the 74 year old Laysan albatross that laid an egg in December 2024, is doing. I think it’s cool that scientists have been tracking this bird since the Eisenhower administration!

      Reply ↓
    4. Reba*

      It’s not a fixed wildlife cam but Friends of the floof on Instagram. Bush stone curlews nesting in a urban area in Australia. The photographer makes a lot of efforts to make their road crossings safer.

      Reply ↓
    5. Time for Tea*

      Robert E Fuller is an artist and wildlife person based in Yorkshire, England and has lots of camera feeds on his YouTube channel.

      Several UK locations have cameras on peregrine nests in the spring.

      BBC Springwatch (and its other seasonal outputs) have lots of camera feeds available to watch at the location they are filming from during the weeks they are on air.

      Reply ↓
  29. The Prettiest Curse*

    Have you encountered any lookalikes of famous people? And how did you react? This week, I encountered someone who was a dead ringer (including height and accent) for a recent UK prime minister of whom I’m not a fan. This was a touch disconcerting until it became obvious that (fortunately) they didn’t have similar personalities.
    Tell me about your lookalike encounters!

    Reply ↓
    1. sagewhiz*

      A few years ago at the grocery checkout line was a couple ahead of me, and I had to stop myself from asking, “Are you Jon Stewart?” The man was shorter than I’d expected, the wife and I exchanged a few words before they left.

      To this day I still wonder, as a national event was being held that weekend and I knew Stewart was connected to it (can’t remember how or what it was). But I figured it had to be a look-alike, as why in the world would they be shopping at a local Publix instead of hitting restaurants?

      Reply ↓
    2. CaptainJack*

      A good friend is a dead ringer for John Barrowman. Seriously, I’ve seen a picture of the two of them together at a con and can’t tell them apart.

      Reply ↓
    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      An acquaintance looks remarkably like Mick Jagger. He’s also a professional singer with a lot of experience on stage, so he knows how to adopt a fake persona. He told me this story.

      Many years ago in a record store, someone approached him and mentioned that he looked like Mick Jagger. Without missing a beat he lowered his voice, adopted a fake English accent, and told the person who asked to keep it down because he was trying to be incognito. I imagine that to this day there’s a guy telling the story of the time he met a famous rock musician in a local record store.

      Reply ↓
    4. AnonAnon*

      During the whole Patty Hearst thing in 1974, I looked JUST like her. It was awful. I was 14 and so shy anyway, this made it a million times worse!
      I’ve since outgrown it and look pretty different now.

      Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Ugh, it would have been bad just looking like an actor or singer–that horror show must have been hell to have heaped on your shoulders at 14!

        Reply ↓
    5. ReallyBadPerson*

      My middle brother is a dead ringer for a certain actor. People constantly badger him for autographs when they think they’ve spotted the real guy. So once, in an airport, while my brother was still drinking (he’s sober now, and would no longer do what I’m about to relate), a woman wouldn’t take no for an answer, so my brother just signed actor dude’s name on the notebook she was holding out.

      Reply ↓
      1. sagewhiz*

        For years my brother was a dead ringer for the actor Sam Elliott. So much so that friends who’d see pics of him would make that remark. He never tired of being mistaken.

        My sis-in-law was an elementary school teacher and for special events days he’d dress in *country wear* and his Stetson, stroll into the school, and declare “There’s a new sheriff in town.” The kids and teachers always got a kick out of it.

        Reply ↓
    6. Chaordic One*

      When my grandmother was still living people would come up to her and tell her that she looked just like Wallis Simpson, the Duchess of Windsor. This happened before I was born and when I was a kid. My grandmother and Wallis were the same age, my grandmother being a couple of months older and passing away a couple of years after Wallis. Grandmother was a second-generation American of Irish descent and, though born in the U.S., she spoke with something of an Irish lilt. Her role model seemed to be Rose Kennedy and she had lace-curtain aspirations, a bit like an Irish-American Hyacinth Bucket. No fan of the royal family, her reaction when people compared her to Wallis varied. Sometimes she was mildly amused and would just sort of roll her eyes. Other times she was a bit annoyed, but would try to be polite and change the conversation.

      Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I once knew a guy slightly who in profile was an absolute dead ringer for Tom Cruise. But full face, he didn’t look like Cruise at all. It was quite disconcerting!

      Reply ↓
  30. Bobina*

    What is your minor (minor!) disappointment of the week?

    I prefer the Soundcloud app for music as I had it before Spotify was a thing. A few years and mobile phones ago, I discovered that even though I was on the free version, if I didnt update the app when it wanted, after a while – I stopped getting ads. Brilliant, I could have all my music and listen to it for as long as I wanted with no interruptions. Living the dream with my app version from 2021.

    Until yesterday. I guess someone finally fixed whatever bug it was – and alas, there I was happily listening to (rediscovered) Florence and the Machine when suddenly I hear an ad for the AA. Nooooooooooooo. Guess it will be back to the iPod for me then!

    Reply ↓
    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I took my dog to daycare for noisy day of shower repair… and it got delayed.
      It also rained like animals coming 2×2 so although he’s happy, he desperately needs grooming to prevent mats.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        For a while there I was on quite a kick where *everytime* I took my dog to the groomer for his expensive bath and brushout, we had a rain or mud incident immediately afterwards. Even though I was always careful to check the forecast!

        Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      While I disabled all the AI sharing on Word, it still has that damn little icon “Hello, I am the AI assistant! It looks like you’re eating a sandwich! You can use AI to help you eat that sandwich–I am definitely a useful tool!”

      Nobody puts Clippy in a corner. Apparently.

      Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I had to wait some time to turn left over the railroad tracks, because the train pulled into the adjacent station.

      The train departed, I was able to turn left, and I discovered: road shut down just ahead. I would have gone straight rather than left had I realized. So I maneuver myself along, cross the major road, and intend to then turn left onto a small cross road to hit my usual way home.

      The small cross road was also closed off. No apparent reason, and it’s too far from the first road to be related.

      I did eventually make it home, but for quite a while there felt like I was in a heist movie where they need to continuously stall me so they can steal the macguffin.

      Reply ↓
    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Taking my old car to the shop with some kind of electrical problem. I have been there four times this week and last, and on the way home the last time with new battery, new positive terminal, and new alternator, the check electrical system light went on AGAIN! They gave me a loaner car, which is great, but I am tired of repairs taking a million trips until we figure things out.

      Reply ↓
    5. House Hunter*

      I’m going to have to move and I took time off from work to look at what turned out to be close to the perfect new place to live, a comparatively small and slightly odd 3-bedroom townhouse with a double garage, a bit larger than I needed and at the top of my budget. I could just imagine setting up an office and my desk in the room in front of the garage. Anyway, my application was rejected for not enough income. They want someone whose monthly takehome pay is 2 and a half times what the monthly rent would be. My takehome pay is only twice what the rent would be. I wistfully drove by the house yesterday after work, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

      Reply ↓
      1. House Hunter*

        Dream house number one must have found a tenant with a higher income than me because it’s been taken off of the rental websites. I found a second house that seems promising but there are some red flags. The advertised amount of rent went up by $100.00 a month on various rental websites. Big red flag is reviews on the local BBB website showing negative reviews from both former tenants (failure to refund deposits) and property owners who hired the company to manage their properties. It is just that there is so little good to pick from, especially if you want a garage. I am afraid I might have to deal with them anyway.

        Reply ↓
    7. Six Feldspar*

      1. Went swimming after work and forgot that the big 50m pool closes early on Wednesdays, so we all got bounced to the little 25m pool to swim laps, and for the first time in ages I smacked my head on the end of the pool because there were no dive boards at the end to clue me in
      2. Water heater has had its power tripped twice in a week so I’ve had to turn it off and on again (it’s the middle of summer so no biggie but I don’t realise until the water starts coming out of the taps lukewarm…
      3. Dropped a whole bunch of stuff at the tip yesterday and realised I forgot something when I got home, so I’ll have to plan another trip there

      Reply ↓
  31. Prawo Jazdy*

    There are a bunch of writers of the late 1800s-mid 1900s, who are often referenced as being very important (T.S. Eliot, Henry James, Marcel Proust, Ezra Pound, George Elliott, Gertrude Stein, E.M. Forster, etc.) but I can’t tell what their “hook” would be to interest a reader today and it seems like a daunting task. Are any of them worth the effort?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alice*

      TBH the only one of them that I enjoyed was Proust. Your taste may be different though. But what I suggest – give yourself a while experience. Put on some music by Reynaldo Hahn (Proust’s lover and friend). Treat yourself to some French food or poetry when you want a break. Relax and have fun with the ambience, not just reading for the plot.
      And if you don’t like it, well, you gave it a shot :)

      Reply ↓
    2. Blue wall*

      Tell me more about what you mean.

      For me, the joy of fiction is being enveloped in the world of the story and the character’s view of the world. The writers you cite do that excellently.

      Reply ↓
      1. Prawo Jazdy*

        Well those writers exist in that weird cultural space where they are often name-dropped, but it’s rare to meet someone who is personally familiar with their work (I’d add Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Graham Greene to the list as well)… so I really have no idea if their work has aged well or is even relatable to a modern audience. Sounds like you’re giving them a healthy thumbs-up?

        Reply ↓
        1. Buni*

          The hook for Evelyn Waugh is he’s frickin’ hilarious – I had to stop reading him on public transport because my snorting was drawing attention…

          Reply ↓
          1. Chaordic One*

            I know that the old 1965 black and white movie, “The Loved One,” was loosely based on his novel of the same title. It was a hilarious movie that has held up pretty well and I would certainly recommend it and I’m hoping to see it again. I’m now curious about the book which was written in 1947 and am going to track it down.

            Reply ↓
      2. Mia*

        Yes, I don’t love all the above writers mentioned but Henry James and George Elliot create fascinating characters and paint really vivid pictures of worlds very different from our own. I love reading 19th and early 20th century fiction for the detail it captures and as a reminder that people of the past were similar to us in so many ways. I struggle more with the modernists, but to each their own!

        Reply ↓
    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I am not a particular proponent of any of those you list.

      However! We don’t usually read stories for their information about modern life. We read stories because something about the character or the problem they face hooks us. Even if they are flying a space ship, or sailing around Ancient Greece, or traveling around Ancient China with the Monkey King. Any of those might resonate for you, or for another reader.

      Enduring stories from that time: Sherlock Holmes, Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland, A Christmas Carol, The Wizard of Oz, Frankenstein. All of these have inspired modern retellings, just like the Greek myths are retold in books like Circe.

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        In the vein of good adventure stories from the mid-19th century on, maybe *The Three Musketeers* or *The Count of Monte Cristo* might also prove easier to get into.

        Reply ↓
    4. Chicago Anon*

      It’s partly the beauty of their language, though I have to admit I have never got on with George Eliot, and Gertrude Stein has more “curiosity value” than real enjoyment. T. S. Eliot’s “Old Possum’s Guide to Practical Cats” is a great deal of fun if you’re not up for “serious” poetry. James & Proust describe their worlds and social mores in considerable detail; they offer a sort of “time travel” experience; but many people find them simply too long-winded. Forster focuses on a world that is changing, and the clashes between older views of how to behave and the newer ways of doing things: in some ways, a universal problem and a way of casting light on similar things happening now.

      Reply ↓
      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I think this is a lot of it for me, specifically regarding George Elliot and E.M. Forster. They write novels about deeply flawed, very complex and human people. I’d also add Edith Wharton and Thomas Hardy to my list of favorite “classic” authors.
        To be honest I don’t think there is one single thread for all the authors you cite- each one is different.

        Reply ↓
    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I really like George Eliot’s *Middlemarch*–it follows several people who marry (or don’t) and tries to show readers why it’s very important to choose carefully whom you marry and the potentially disastrous consequences of marrying the wrong person.

      True, it’s quite long and has a bunch of sub-plots, but it kept my attention well and has happy endings at last for some characters who have had to wait a long time for them. At the end of reading it, I felt very satisfied. I have not liked other Eliot novels quite as much.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I picked up Middlemarch at random and loved reading it so much I couldn’t wait to finish it and read it again!

        One thing I loved about it was her demonstration that a person can be a full grown, thoughtful and intelligent adult, think they are making a wise choice in life partner for good, sane reasons, and still be absolutely, disastrously wrong.

        Reply ↓
    8. GoryDetails*

      Obviously there are many more such authors than the ones you list, but my stand-out favorite (of that list and pretty much of all the reading I’ve ever done) is George Eliot, primarily for Middlemarch. It’s an immersive visit to one small-but-rising village and the people who live there, with relationships familial, friendly, and romantic – though not all of the romantic ones work out well. There are looks at youthful enthusiasm and how it might be very influential – or might go terribly wrong; old secrets come to light; seekers of knowledge in several different spheres; and more. Oh, and some very funny banter between siblings and friends and the most comfortable pair of spouses in the story.

      I read a LOT, so I have read many of the other influential authors – Dickens, Austen, Hugo, Doyle, Wells, Trollope, Thackeray, Dumas, etc. – and there are works ranging from high action to suspense to serious social commentary to science fiction.

      If you’re interested in dabbling but aren’t sure where to start, maybe try Googling for your favorite book-theme keywords plus “19th century author” or some such, and see if anything pops up. (Many of them wrote short stories, too, possibly an easier way to introduce yourself to them.)

      Reply ↓
    9. Eat a peach*

      Maybe read the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (it won’t take more than a few minutes) and see whether you think there’s anything a reader today might enjoy?

      Reply ↓
    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      That’s a broad enough range in time and style that I’m wondering what you mean by “important.” Are you looking for writers who you’re likely to enjoy, or writers who are important for their influence on other writers?

      The other question is, what other writers or books do you like? If you don’t generally like poetry, you probably won’t like Gertrude Stein, T. S. Eliot, or Ezra Pound.

      This is an open-ended question that a librarian can probably help you with, based on what you’ve already read.

      Reply ↓
    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I like Proust, and Eliot’s Middlemarch is one of the Great Novels, for me.

      I think it’s really a matter of taste–the main problem is that those writers changed what novels/poems could “do” so completely that now it seems perfectly normal to write in stream-of-consciousness, or do random capital/non capital words and “odd” arrangements of words on the page, and so on. Not that all modern works are like that, of course, but it isn’t considered Hugely Rule Breaking! and Scandalous! to do so.

      Reply ↓
  32. Llellayena*

    I have a landscape designer/contractor coming on Tuesday to discuss putting a patio in my backyard. Are there any questions I should be asking besides the obvious ones about cost and timeline? It’s a well regarded landscaping company so I’m not worried about the usual referrals and proof of skill with them.

    Also, I only have the one company and I’d like to compare 2 or 3. How do I find the other companies? My generic google search isn’t pulling up anything I trust and no one I know nearby has put a patio in recently. I’ll also take direct recommendations if you know a patio company in central NJ…

    Reply ↓
    1. Ashley*

      Ask about maintenance and longevity of the materials you want to pick.
      The This Old House and Ask This Old House folks have a ton of history with all things house including patios. You can look up the type of patio you are thinking about to know more about what makes good structure.

      Reply ↓
    2. WestsideStory*

      Drainage and grading. Patio needs to slope away from the house, so it doesn’t send water there when it rains. Some patios are built with a drain in either the center or a discrete corner. What are their suggestions for drainage?

      Reply ↓
      1. Llellayena*

        Fortunately, I’m an architect so I’ve already drawn up a plan that allows for drainage. I’m looking less for design questions and more for “I’m hiring someone to do work for me” questions.

        Reply ↓
    3. goddessoftransitory*

      What pipes, cables, and other “DON’T CUT THIS” stuff might be buried under your potential patio spot. Most communities have information on this at the local gas/electricity/water board web pages.

      Reply ↓
  33. Blue wall*

    Recs for plus size women’s brands with fun prints for dresses? I’m looking for some colorful fun patterns; I love a cotton midi dress.

    I’m based in the US, a bit over Lane Bryant. This week I stumbled on Joanie, and poked around on Boden’s site (wish their sizing went higher). Are you familiar with these companies and can speak to their quality? Any other brands to look for? Bloomchic is also advertising heavily in my feeds now.

    Reply ↓
    1. Maryn*

      It’s not print dresses, but every plus-size woman needs to know about Snag, which started with tights (they fit! they’re comfortable!) and has expanded into clothing. I have less-than-great legs but wear colored tights to coordinate with my clothes fairly often.

      Reply ↓
    2. RussianInTexas*

      Torrid? They have a pretty decent selection of everything, and the quality is decent as well. I don’t have any dresses from them because not a dress person, but the jeans and the tops hold up.

      Reply ↓
    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Svaha USA at svahausa dot com has adorable dresses in a range that includes plus sizes. They started out being for women scientists (molecule patterns, etc.), but they have a whole bunch of other cute patterns now–books, leaves, planets . . . .

      Reply ↓
    6. Alex*

      I recently thrifted a dress from Ulla Popken and it seems pretty good quality, and is 97% cotton (it is a woven fabric, not a knit) with 3% elastane.

      Reply ↓
    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Zuri!
      They are a Kenya based fashion brand that does beautifully colourful dresses for every size.
      British comedian Sarah Millican wore a lot of their dresses on her last tour (not sponsored) and looked great in all of them. As she puts it in a short video she did on youtube because people were asking her about her dresses: “They’ve got pockets! They allow you to have boobs and bellies and bums!” :D
      (I’ll stick a link to that short video in a seperate comment, so you can see her in one of those dresses, too)

      Reply ↓
    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Last year I discovered Maya Kern, they stock plus sizes and have photos of models wearing every size of every item. Unfortunately, their stock is very limited right now, they had a huge clearance sale to move warehouses and haven’t gotten restocked yet.

      Reply ↓
  34. Anon for this one*

    Any advice for starting the “how do you feel about our relationship” conversation?
    I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years and we bought a house together nearly two years ago (we are not married) with my parents (all four of us are on the mortgage with the plan that they will retire and move in with us) and have several pets. He is the primary bread winner and does pay for our portion of the mortgage as well as some utilities while I cover pet expenses, groceries, and other utilities. Here is the issue– we have never had a spark or chemistry. Things have always just been easy and comfortable between us and for the longest time I thought it was normal and that I could make it work. Lately though, I am realizing that I can’t. I am not attracted to him, and realized I never really was. He is a wonderful person and I want us both to be happy but we feel like friends and roommates more than a couple and I don’t know how to start the conversation. I do feel like he potentially feels the same way, as he has always struggled with ED in our relationship and took several years to try medication and even then won’t use them consistently. He asked my dad to marry me nearly two years ago and he has still not purchased a ring, so I know there is SOME hesitation on his part as well. Any advice for getting this rolling? I don’t want him to feel like I’ve used him financially, but I really think we would be much happier if we were just friends and were free to date other people. I have tried to kindle a spark by offering to do his hobbies but he declines, so I have just been doing things on my own or with my own friends lately.

    Reply ↓
    1. Morning Reader*

      No specific advice about the conversation, but, I will suggest Dan Savage advice columnist for general info on companionate marriage, open relationships, etc. You will find potential starting strategies.
      Besides that I suggest figuring out what you want as an outcome from the conversation and/or how to handle various possible reactions, as it might inform your approach. Do you want to keep the current shared housing arrangement but no longer sleep together and possibly date other people? Do you just want your own room and maybe sometimes still sleep together? Do you want to move out? Do you want to change your financial or chore arrangements? All four of you being on the mortgage (and also on the deed?) complicates the matter and you may need legal advice, e.g. he buys out the three of you or you and your parents buy his share, if one of you leaves. I fear going into a “how do we feel about the relationship” without a clear goal or at least considering options, could go badly.
      Might be easier to have a “are we exclusive” conversation (rather than a broad State of the Relationship conversation) and start dating other people, openly, and not change anything else. (Or not, if he says no to that.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I just want to second the idea of getting good legal advice, not because you’re trying to be adversarial, but because it is extremely complicated to co-own a house with someone you’re not married to and then separate that ownership (if that’s what you all decide you eventually want). And it’s even more complicated here because he’s paying your part of the mortgage.

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        That’s a thought. “Are we exclusive” or “have you ever thought about being non-monogamous” is one avenue for discussion.

        Reply ↓
    2. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my polyam friends (I have a lot of them) is that there is no one model for a relationship. Not all long-term relationships need to be based around romance and sex, provide the parties agree. I have friends who are together (and sometimes married) and wouldn’t change it for the world, despite the fact that they are no longer sexually involved with each other. They’re partners and best friends, with all of the positive connotations of friendship and none of the negative ones that try to paint friendship as somehow inferior to a romantic and/or sexual relationship. That may or may not be you and your partner. If you would like to stay with him as friends, that does not need to mean settling for a “lesser” relationship, but it has to be something that both of you agree to and set parameters around. I think it starts with you and understanding what you want, especially long-term, and then looking to understand and discuss what he wants.

      Not to be all advice-columny, but have you tried counselling?

      Reply ↓
    3. Treena*

      Just break up. I don’t say that flippantly. Once it’s done, a few years later, you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner. Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t fulfill you. He doesn’t even want to do his hobbies with you. You’re roommates at best.

      Assuming you (and your parents) can buy him out, do so. Absolutely do not open the relationship and do not listen to anything Dan Savage says (he’s awful in too many ways to list). I say this as someone who has been (happily) non-monogamous for over 15 years. It doesn’t fix broken relationships.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        I agree. Life is a very long time to spend with someone who doesn’t fulfill you and if you never had a spark, it’s likely to go downhill from here. Get legal advice about the financial parts.

        Reply ↓
        1. WellRed*

          I just reread your post and this jumped out at me and I think most of the other comments also missed it: “I thought I could make it work. … I can’t.” Don’t try to rekindle what was never there, don’t live as roommates, don’t open the relationship. DO get legal advice and DO consider a counselor to talk this out in a safe space.

          Reply ↓
      2. Morning Reader*

        Completely disagree about Savage, but that’s not a discussion we need to have here. In any case, my suggestion was not so much “take his advice” as “look at conversations he’s had about these things, especially with knowledgeable guests, and there may be some useful takeaways there.”
        I will disagree about the “just break up” thing too. If they weren’t entangled with family and mortgage, sure. Life’s too short and all that. But the finances/housing/future parent plans are too entangled to just break up. What if he makes her leave? (Can he, I don’t know.) What if he leaves? What if he stays, makes things awkward, quits paying the mortgage? Anyway, OP, if your inclination is to break up (and that does seem best, long term), lawyer up first. Perhaps with your parents.

        Reply ↓
    5. ecnaseener*

      I would say do him the favor of being honest about what you want instead of asking how he feels about your relationship. If you want to try to kindle a spark or otherwise improve your relationship, ask for that (with specifics) instead of asking don’t-you-think-we-should-have-more-of-a-spark when you already know the answer. If you want to break up, then break up cleanly. (If you’re right that he also wants to break up, then great! If you’re wrong, dragging it out won’t help.)

      Captain Awkward has some great advice on how to break up compassionately. #1368 is a good starting point.

      Reply ↓
    6. RagingADHD*

      IME, every difficult conversation is easier to start if you acknowledge the difficulty up front with something like, “I’ve been thinking about something for a while now, and it’s kind of hard to talk about, but I feel like it’s important…”

      Maybe bring up that he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, and ask him if he’s happy with the way things are?

      Reply ↓
    7. Generic Name*

      Oof, this is really hard. I really hate how much advice there is out there about how “relationships take work” and healthy long-term relationships don’t necessarily have a “spark” (anymore). It leads some couples to exactly where you’re at. A good friend of mine had the same realization you’re having except it was after 20 years of marriage and teenaged children. Their divorce was very amicable and they have a good coparenting relationship.

      I also want to say that if you want a monogamous relationship with someone you are into sexually who is also into you sexually, that’s a perfectly okay thing to want! I know polyamory is something that many people find good and fulfilling, but adding an additional relationship to the mix when the “only” thing tying you to someone else is a property deed seems unnecessary.

      As for the conversation, I suggest having it at home when you are both relaxed and otherwise have no plans. I think you could phrase it very similarly to how you’ve phrased it here. That he is a wonderful person and you want both of you to be happy but you don’t feel any chemistry and feeling chemistry with a partner is important to you. Then ask how he feels. Even though you’re probably right that his ED may well be tied into lack of attraction for him, I wouldn’t mention it during this conversation.

      If you don’t want him to feel financially used, I suggest coming up with a financial settlement that feels fair to both of you. This is the type of situation that mediation was made for.

      Honestly though, you don’t HAVE to ask how he feels about the relationship and then let that be the sole guide to next steps. Your feelings about the relationship are valid and you are allowed to break up with a good guy simply because you want to end the relationship. Captain Awkward has at least one column about a situation where the OP is in a relationship with a good person but feels guilty for wanting to break up because their partner hasn’t done anything bad or wrong.

      Reply ↓
    8. Calico*

      You need a lawyer, and your parents need a plan for where they will live. They either need to buy him out of his share or, if they can’t afford that, they need to figure out where they will go.

      Did you have any sort of contract drawn up when you entered into this? Also, it’s a bit unusual for a bank to issue a mortgage with four adults on it — your lawyer should also review that for any issues.

      Reply ↓
    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      As other people have said, try to figure out what you want from here. If someone asked me how I felt about our relationship, I’d probably ask what they had in mind. You’re already thinking about the question, and he may not be.

      A reasonable starting point would be something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship” or “I’m not dumping you, but we need to talk about our relationship.” If you’re sure that you want to split, say so up front: you’re breaking up with him because this isn’t working anymore. He may be relieved, or he may ask what he’s doing wrong or offer to change. There are some good scripts on the Captain Awkward website for telling someone that you’ve made up your mind, and it’s nothing they can change.

      Reply ↓
    1. GoryDetails*

      I’ve had some lovely mocktails at local restaurants, though I don’t have the details on hand. (Some of them were custom jobs; we had a speakeasy-style bar where the bartender would whip up something surprising on the spot.)

      I did find a recipe book called Good Drinks by Julia Bainbridge with lots of tempting mocktail recipes, including:

      “Billows and Thieves”, from a Queens NY bar – it features grapefruit juice, cold-pressed coffee (!), and a black cardamom and cinnamon syrup

      “Chicha Morada Agua Fresca”, a Peruvian-inspired drink from a San Francisco bar – this one uses pineapple, dried purple corn, apples, and spices

      “Honeydew-Avocado Agua Fresca”, from a Portland Oregon bar – a simple recipe featuring a puree of honeydew melon and avocado, plus lime juice and soda water

      “U-Me and Everyone We Know”, from Gabriella Mlynarczyk – it has a base of tomato/watermelon/basil juice (which sounds pretty good by itself) plus lemon juice simple syrup, and umeboshi vinegar

      “Get Well Soon” from Jim Meehan – a hot toddy using a turmeric-ginger honey syrup, with lemon juice, apple cider vinegar, and hot water

      “Lorca” by Pam Haner – another simple recipe that sounds unexpectedly tasty, featuring plain kefir, honey syrup, and tahini

      “Sunomo” from a North Carolina restaurant – a sesame and salted rice vinegar shrub mixed with cucumber juice and soda (I like shrubs, and this flavor combination sounds intriguing)

      “Squash and Sorghum” from a DC restaurant – another shrub, this time using butternut squash, black pepper, apple cider, and sorghum molasses

      For non-alcoholic beers, my sister recommends Athletic very highly, though I haven’t tried it myself.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      My favorite is Hella Grapefruit bitters and soda, but gosh is it spendy. But I’d rather have one of those than most beers TBH! I have started buying my own flavored bitters to mix with sparkling water. I like flavors like licorice, walnut, or citrus for that “burn” missing from juice.

      Reply ↓
    3. Kt*

      I like some of the Curious Elixir drinks (enough of them to have a subscription). I particularly like their darker ones, personally. Friends at parties like their blood Orange spritz and cucumber drink as well.

      Oddbird Blanc de blanc is a good sparkling NA white if you need a mixer.

      The Phony Negroni is actually really really good.

      Casamara’s Onda and Como are delicious and refreshing and I look forward to them at a local bar every time I’m in the area.

      My spouse recently brought home an NA amaro that is amazing and I don’t recall the name, sorry!

      As you might be able to tell, I like bitter, woody, herbal flavors, not just sweetness and fruit. Finding NA drinks that scratch that itch has taken some time.

      Reply ↓
    4. Decidedly Me*

      Seedlip is a common non-alcoholic spirit I see used in mocktails at restaurants. They have a lot of recipes on their site. I’m actually about to buy some of their stuff lol.

      Reply ↓
    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      The tiny cans of Ghia are pretty good if bitter is a flavor you welcome. The flavor with ginger is quite good. I also recently tried Phony Negroni. The mezcal one is very smoky!

      Reply ↓
    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      I like Juke’s Cordialities. They are expensive though
      I also like soda water with a few dashes of Angustura (sp?) bitters and a wedge of lime

      Reply ↓
  36. Positive Reinforcement*

    What are some small “rewards” you give yourself for good behavior? People talk about checking off boxes being very motivating for them, but I’m not getting a surge of dopamine from that. Ideally something small and immediate? I’m about to enter a season where I have to do a lot of things I don’t like.

    Reply ↓
    3. Generic Name*

      The to do/task part of Microsoft outlook offers a very satisfying “ding” chime when you click the checkbox box on tasks when you complete them. it silly as it sounds, I do get a tiny dopamine surge.

      Reply ↓
    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Buying stickers on Etsy feels like the grownup version of a sticker chart for me. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with them but you can find so many fun art stickers or very specific interest stickers and they’re usually in the $2-4 range.

      Reply ↓
    5. No name today*

      Get a massage, pedicure, other just me treat.
      Reward myself with something I want to do once I’ve done the thing I have to do (take a walk/listen to another chapter of a book, call a friend, etc).

      Reply ↓
    6. office hobbit*

      To paraphrase, self-imposed rewards don’t work on me because I know the person who gives them out and they’re a real pushover.

      An actual answer: after trying some things I decided my brain just doesn’t work that way. If you end up thinking you’re in the same boat, what I’ve tried to do instead is make the rest of my life more pleasant and enjoyable so that I don’t have to do things I dislike and then also do a bunch of chores or cook from scratch etc. (This has only somewhat worked.)

      Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Candy. Not gonna lie, some days it’s the only thing I look forward to. Not crazy amounts, just one candy bar, but it’s motivating for sure.

      Obviously this isn’t going to work for everyone, but I am food-reward positive, for sure! Maybe plan to make a favorite dish, or go to a favorite restaurant?

      Reply ↓
  37. I probably just need therapy*

    My extroverted partner loves hobbies involving performance and he will happily try new things even when he’s not very good at them. I am an introvert with some social anxiety and a strong sense of secondhand embarrassment. It hasn’t always been this pronounced, but over the years the gap between these traits has widened and I find it harder and harder to show up and support him when I find some of what he does a bit…cringey.
    Does anyone have advice for how I can re-frame this for myself so I can be more supportive, instead of wishing he would just not?

    Reply ↓
    1. Reba*

      I would try to keep in mind that this is a you problem, not a him problem (I know you know this). The positive side is that this means you are pretty empathetic. But you are feeling *your* feelings, not his. You are two separate people!

      The technique I’ve used for dealing with anxiety or secondhand cringe is basically like mindfulness – stop and breathe, observe my own reactions, deliberately retrain my focus on something else.

      Maybe in your situation, you could try watching other performers on the stage more, or something like that? Or planning to meet your partner afterward on the sidewalk, not the lobby, somewhere that feels more “off stage” and out of view?

      Reply ↓
    2. Not A Manager*

      You know the phrase “I love that for you”? Maybe that would help when you start to feel the cringe. Isn’t it amazing that your partner is so joyous and adventuresome that he can jump into something like that without self-consciousness? Try focusing on who he is rather than on what he’s doing.

      Reply ↓
    3. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, I think I’ll offer a different direction from likely other comments – I wonder if you could encourage him to “go deep” on whichever of these you think he’s best at it? Like, if you really find it painful to watch him do improv (been there) but he’s pretty good at standup, could you buy him standup coaching as a gift, really focus on showing up for him on the comedy circuit, whatever that looks like? Not to say he can’t keep doing improv also, but perhaps you don’t have to go to those shows “because you know that isn’t really my thing.” Some people particularly love the dilettante aspect of trying lots of things low-pressure, and you shouldn’t have to show up in the cheering section for every effort, but perhaps you are identifying a value you have, of working hard at something, taking it seriously and getting good at it?

      Reply ↓
  39. Almost Academic*

    Thailand travel tips? I’m going to be in Chiang Mai, Bangkok, and Phuket / Khao Lak areas in about a month. Any recommendations for things you found to be totally worth it or not worth it to see? In general I like nature, food, and culture, not as into parties, bars, or drugs. I’ll be traveling solo, and would prefer not to have to drive a car or motorbike while I’m there since I’m a nervous driver – wondering how to get around a bit. Open to any experiences and recommendations from the AAM hive mind!

    I only have air tickets and one snorkeling trip booked so far, so my itinerary is pretty flexible. Side note, if anyone has recommendations for 6 hrs in Hong Kong at evening, I’m also all ears.

    Reply ↓
    1. Decidedly Me*

      My favorite thing that I did for my Thailand trip was the Khlong Lat Mayom market in Bangkok! Really, eat your way through any major market. Second favorite was a cooking class and market tour with Cooking With Poo and Friends. Near Phuket, I really liked visiting Big Buddha.

      Reply ↓
  40. ZipIt*

    Any other suggestions for this situation besides keep my mouth shut? I have two middle aged siblings and the younger one is way more in shape and does lots of hiking. She usually does v challenging activities to mark her birthday. Other sib has been working w a trainer but is much less athletic. They have signed up to do an extremely challenging multi day activity later this year. I’m concerned for older sib but I don’t think there’s anything I can really say. The org running it does have medical care onsite.

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      I don’t think there’s much to say – surely sib and trainer have some idea of what they can do, and it may be a goal to do x amount of this challenging thing. They’re an adult. You can ask how sib is training, or say encouraging things, but it’s not your place to talk them out of it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, I doubt OP has any new perspective older sib hasn’t thought of here.

        It sounds like older sib wants a challenging thing to work toward over the next months. That is very often a sound motivator, taking “I should go to the gym… sigh” to “June is coming up, and I want to be able to complete that bike ride, so I am hitting the gym.”

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Yep, the most I would do is help them gently feel out their Plan B. Most things have an offramp if it’s not going well – you sign up for a marathon, but you can generally switch to walking or stop entirely if you’re not feeling it that day, while little sib goes on ahead. It’s still pretty impressive to challenge yourself and do any part of a marathon, IMO!

        Reply ↓
    3. Calico*

      Less athletic people compete in ultras (or whatever) all the time. Sometimes they complete them just fine, and if not, they just flame out after x miles, sometimes with an injury that tells them “hey, that was a dumb idea.” The flaming out very often happens during a too-aggressive training plan, and they never make it to race day.

      If your older sib has a history of cardiac issues or other serious medical problems, sure, chime in. Or if this is a skill-based dangerous activity, like a skeleton competition—yeah, no amateurs should be trying that, so say something. But if it’s an ultra (which is what I’m guessing from your description), your sibling’s joints will tell them it was a dumb idea so you don’t have to.

      Reply ↓
    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Ooof! I agree that not saying anything is probably the way to go. I can’t think of anything you could say that would be taken well. And i’m very glad to hear there is medical care there! That is the saving grace, IMHO.

      Reply ↓
    5. Chaordic One*

      The travel insurance is a great recommendation. If this doesn’t work out so well for the older sib, and it sounds like there’s a good chance it won’t, be ready to offer a lot of sympathy and to be there for them and listen to them. In a worst case scenario, try to help them with their physical recovery.

      Reply ↓
    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I think this depends on your relationship with your older sibling. Do you have open communication in general, or are sensitive topics difficult to talk about? It’s one thing to express concern and have them appreciate it, and another to bring it up and have them so offended that they stop talking to you.

      Reply ↓
    7. Not A Manager*

      Wow, my feelings are so different from the other commenters. If it were my family member, or even my friend, I would absolutely say something like “what on earth are you thinking of, planning x activity with sibling?” The tone matters here. In my family, sneaking up on it with lots of softening language would actually flag that it’s a big deal, whereas tossing that phrase into a casual conversation would read as jokingnotjoking, which is about how I would want it read.

      If someone said that to me, I would hear it as an opportunity to *either* talk about my real feelings and concerns, *or* to laugh it off, and it would be my choice. My son said something similar to that when I was planning travel with my ex. I responded seriously, but I could have chosen to brush it off.

      Reply ↓
    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Unless there’s a real medical reason that the older sib should not push things, like a heart condition, I’d drop it. They are adults with agency and it sounds like they won’t be out of range of medical care, so if they both want to do this, well… it’s their time and their money.

      Reply ↓
  41. Bluebell Brenham*

    Another travel q – any experience to share re flying into Trieste or Zagreb? Am planning on a trip to Ljubljana but flying there is v pricey! Both Zagreb and Trieste are only 90 mins away. Might try to spend one day in either city as well.

    Reply ↓
    1. Squidhead*

      On a recent trip I flew into Zagreb and then we visited Trieste for a day (but didn’t use their airport). Zagreb feels much more “gritty city” to me than Trieste. Trieste has a bunch of really fancy buildings down by the water, a big park, and seems more tourism-oriented. If I was going to pick one to spend the day in, especially if I just thought I wanted to wander around and look at buildings/Roman ruins/the water, I’d personally pick Trieste. But flying in & out of Zagreb was fine, and if there were specific things I wanted to see and do there it would be fine to visit again.

      Reply ↓
    2. Undine Spragg*

      I have not flown into ether but I liked Zagreb. I agree, it isn’t super touristy. The open air market still has more food stalls than tourist tat! If it’s your cup of tea, I really liked The Museum of Broken Relationships.

      Reply ↓
  42. Childless*

    What kind of games would be fun for a 6-year-old, 8-year-old and 10-year old?

    I’m flying across the country to visit my sibling’s family during their spring break. I’ve visited them several times over the years, but am otherwise not in contact with them and don’t know what they like to do, but want to plan to have some fun things to do with them since I’m usually left alone with them while my sibling and their spouse go off and do other things. My first thought was to do arts and crafts kits, but it’s expensive to have to buy four of each and have them shipped there (I don’t have room in my minimalist luggage), and I really don’t enjoy arts and crafts myself.

    I’m thinking it would be better to buy some games off of Amazon and have them shipped there. Does anyone have any suggestions on what games are good for this age group? Preferably games where it isn’t easy to cheat (the older kids don’t like playing games with the youngest one because they blatantly cheat). The only thing I’ve come up with so far is Pictionary, which I loved as a kid.

    I’ve asked my sibling and their spouse what kinds of things the kids like, but the only answer I get is a list of random things they have saved in their Target shopping cart, so they’re no help.

    Reply ↓
    1. Defective Jedi*

      Check out Spot It and Pictureka. My niblings are similar ages and they have enjoyed both of those games.

      Reply ↓
      1. Childless*

        I like how those games are both simple, so the instructions are instantly understood, and no one can cheat. Also well within my budget. Thank you for the suggestions! :)

        Reply ↓
    2. Llellayena*

      Try Labyrinth. It’s all about path making so it’s not a huge skill difference for different ages and there’s no real chance for cheating because the entire board as well as the piece in play are in view the whole time. Also things like Pictionary where they can stay active (and laughing) and are dependent on individual interpretations. Hard to cheat in those without a partner.

      Reply ↓
      1. Childless*

        That’s so cool that the Labyrinth board game is different from the start every time, and it changes while you’re playing. I saw a Pokemon version and a Harry Potter version. How do I choose?!?! Thank you for the suggestion!

        Reply ↓
      2. Sloanicota*

        Wow you just reminded me I used to LOVE Labyrinth as a kid and I haven’t thought about it in years. I don’t usually like board games but that one clicked for me for whatever reason.

        Reply ↓
      3. Le le lemon*

        – Just played Labyrinth this past week with kids of this exact age – they loved it. (Especially trapping me). It was a favourite when I was a kid.
        – Blokkus is a good spatial awareness/shape one!

        Reply ↓
    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve had fun with Jenga with kids of multiple ages. It’s about stacking and removing blocks and impossible to cheat.

      Reply ↓
    4. Not A Manager*

      Check out a card game called Set. It’s pretty much equally challenging for kids and adults once everyone masters the (simple) rules. Definitely follow the game instructions to learn the rules first on the small deck of cards, and then move to the larger deck.

      Reply ↓
      1. Childless*

        This kind of reminds me of UNO because of the matching one element of the cards rule, but more complex because you have to match more cards. It looks fun! Thank you for the suggestion!

        Reply ↓
      1. Childless*

        I was just thinking of UNO when looking at Not A Manager’s card game suggestion. I haven’t played it in years, but I loved it as a kid and they still sell it. Now there’s a bunch of different versions of UNO that I’d never heard of before. Thank you for the suggestion!

        Reply ↓
    7. Almost Academic*

      Depending on how well they play together / how much they get upset at each other during selection games, either Dixit or Apples to Apples kids could be fun.

      Reply ↓
    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I played Mexican Train dominos with my aunt, niece and nephew the last time I visited and it was a blast! There are tons of sets available online and the rules are quite easy. Each game lasts long enough to be fun but not drag on and on.

      Reply ↓
  43. AnonoDoc*

    Light, escapist movie recommendations for a VA doc who is super stressed and working 2.0 FTe due to understaffing (no, we do not t get over time or comp time!) and this past week has caused my own auto-immune condition to flare.

    Reply ↓
    1. ecnaseener*

      “Set it Up” — rom-com where two personal assistants try to get their bosses (Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs) to fall for each other.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ontariariario*

      It’s an older one (2001), but I love Amelie. I also found the Red Green Show on Tubi and it’s giving me a good laugh.

      Reply ↓
    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Jules, in which a spaceship crashes in an old man’s backyard. The people who ignored his various complaints to the planning commission re adding crosswalks and changing the town motto also ignore his complaint about this assault on his azalea bushes. So he has to figure out what to do with the alien himself, eventually helped by a couple of other seniors who realize he isn’t kidding about the azaleas.

      I’m not sure if it’s “light” so much as “joy,” but the best movie I watched this year was The Wild Robot. A robot crashes in the wilderness and tries to find someone to give it a task.

      Reply ↓
    5. Hatchet*

      You’re asking for movies, but two TV shows some to mind that might work for what you want: Animal Control (especially the first season) and Going Dutch. Both a bit absurd… I had to mentally gloss over some of the “that would never fly in the real world” stuff. But good for some short bouts of escapism and laughs

      Reply ↓
  44. Marie*

    First time home owner here. There is water when I run my washing machine and also water in front of my refrigerator. The fridge and washer are next to each other, but separated by a wall. I can’t move them by myself to investigate further. Should I call a plumber or appliance repair company? Or what should I do? Thank you in advance for any advice or recommendations.

    Reply ↓
    2. Morning Dew*

      Is there always water in front of the fridge when you always run the washing machine?

      It could be two different issues:

      (1) there is a leak in the water hose to the washer so you need a plumber to replace the hose (if the hose is plastic, you definitely need to replace with braided metal hose because plastic ones will crack and leak).

      (2) if there is water in front of the fridge when the washer is NOT running, there is a clog in the freezer drain hose. Open the freezer and see if there is an ice build up on the bottom of the freezer surface. I had this problem where there was a clog in the freezer drain line hose and ice started to build up when the water couldn’t drain properly during fridge/freezer non-running cycle. For this problem, you need an appliance repair person to replace the clogged freezer drain line.

      Reply ↓
    3. Sloanicota*

      Plumber is who I would call. I hate those situations where you’re not sure what kind of handyperson you need. But as a first time homeowner, I would add – don’t hesitate to bring in experts when it’s time … there’s always someone in my orbit claiming they would fix something themselves or that I can do it if I just start googling things. Lovely for them, and possibly true, but I’ve also learned a lot by – hiring experts and asking a lot of questions, and that way I feel more confident and secure. Trying to do everything myself may serve money but it also makes me jangly with anxiety so instead I focus on learning something every time so *next* time I won’t have to make the call.

      Reply ↓
    4. Chaordic One*

      Is the refrigerator hooked up to a water source, such as for a chilled water dispenser or an ice maker and dispenser?

      Reply ↓

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