weekend open thread – February 15-16, 2025

by Alison Green on February 14, 2025

the “terrified of humans” pair … curled up in my lap

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Piglet, by Lottie Hazell. After her fiance confesses a betrayal two weeks before their wedding, a woman becomes inexplicably ravenous. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. old curmudgeon*

    Clearly, they are SO “terrified of humans” that they are both making biscuits….

    Well done, you, to turn those two into the love-muffins they’ve become!

    1. RLC*

      Happy, content lap kitties-the perfect Valentine’s picture!
      Years ago we adopted a shelter kitten so aggressively anti-human that the shelter staff tried (unsuccessfully) to discourage me from bringing her home. Of course she ultimately matured into 21 pounds of persistently cuddly lap cat who squished my husband in his easy chair every evening and slept on his chest every night.

      1. PP*

        RLC, was that 21 pound kitty a Maine Coon?
        I hope to get some Valentine’s Day snuggling in this evening with my two.

        1. RLC*

          British Shorthair, all plush fur and wonderful roundness. Was 8 pounds at 5 months when we got her, and grew and grew until she was about 2 years old. Very large even for a large breed, but our vet assured us she was not overweight, just big all over.
          Friend had a 23 pound Maine Coon, lots of warm snuggle. (Both cats named Xena.)

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Were these the pair having a throwdown in the video from a couple of weeks ago? Glad to see they can relax together as well as wrestle together!

    7. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I wonder if that means Alison is secretly an alien on a goodwill mission to Earth? It would explain a lot.

  3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    Has anyone else read the new Slate advice column “good job”?

    I don’t think Allison needs to worry about the competition. I also don’t think people should have to deal with men whose pants are too tight in the office.

      1. sagewhiz*

        I immediately wondered if the pants letter was another AAM rip-off, as an all too similar letter had appeared here some time back.

        And yes, Alison, no need to worry about the lack-o-competion now in Slate. But how does that affect you, since you often wrote for it?

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        I’d add one thing to that list, Dude: Dahlia Lithwick’s continuing coverage of the legislative system (and the Supreme Court in particular) is the main reason I look at Slate.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      OMG! By the second column, I concluded the advice in that advice column can’t be trusted.

    4. Dog momma*

      The last 2 Slate advice columnists have been awful. I gave up several yrs ago.. and did you read dear Abby today??? omg

      1. Jackalope*

        I stopped reading DA a few years ago (after reading her for many years), because her advice was getting to be awful sometimes. There were 2 letters in a short succession in which she was cruel to and dismissive of the letter writers, and I just wasn’t down for that.

      2. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I used to like Dear Prudence, but it’s been a long time since I read it. Is there a new columnist there?

        1. Goldfeesh*

          The current Dear Prudence is on maternity leave, I believe. I know they have guest hosts on the podcast- I’d assume they’re doing the same for the column?

        2. Skytext*

          I read the original Dear Prudence—I think she was a niece of either Ann Landers or Abby. Then she retired and there was someone I think named Emily who took over, and she was pretty good. Then someone else took over and she was awful! I think she was young, single, no kids, worked from home. All of which is fine as a lifestyle, but she just didn’t have enough life experience to be giving advice! 90% of what people write in about is relationships with spouses, kids, and coworkers. Her advice was always terrible! It was always like “I work from home so I have no idea how to deal with the obnoxious male coworker who uses the women’s restroom to crap and leaves it filthy and stinking” or whatever the problem is.

    5. Nihil Scio*

      Don’t put them down, please
      The more advice out there, the better
      (and, no, I am in no way affiliated)

      1. Saturday*

        But not when the advice is terrible, surely? I haven’t read this column in particular, but I’ve seen a lot of advice given on Slate that could only make things worse for people.

      2. Southern Violet*

        Nah, consistently bad advice should be mocked. There’s very little in slate worth reading, in general. Certainly nothing to justify the exorbitant rate they chatge for a sub. Better magazines and sites than theirs charge like 1/4 of what they do.

    6. Hiring Mgr*

      What’s the big issue? I just read a question about giving a reference…the answer was hardly shocking or disastrous. Just because they have other work advice writers, it’s not an attack on AAM. Good lord

    7. Prawo Jazdy*

      There was a time when I read Slate, but these days I find all their lurid clickbait to be a huge turnoff – typically with titles like: “Advice needed – my partner has THIS disturbing bedroom request [subscribers only]”

  4. Sloanicota*

    Question: I am the lucky guardian of a new cat. However, I note she is a lil bit … stinky? Don’t worry, I have been singing the Friends song to her on loop, but she seems to have a sort of musky/musty scent to her fur, and it is still detectable after 12 hours, so it’s not just from the carrier. We have tried pet wipes and lightly scented leave-in coat conditioner. I don’t want to traumatize her with a bath so early in her time here. Has anyone else tried anything that worked? I see her grooming. I worried at first it was her teeth but it doesn’t seem to be coming from there.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      When we first took in Hank and Laurie, they had an odd smell — which went away as soon as we switched them to a higher quality food than what they’d been eating before coming to us. So you could try switching up her diet and see if that fixes it.

      1. old curmudgeon*

        That was my first thought also, though it’s odd that the smell seems to be coming from the cat’s fur. We had a cat who had pretty impressive intestinal reactions to food containing any grains at all (seriously, his gas could cause the entire family to flee the house in 20-below weather when he was eating food with grain), and the problem completely disappeared once we started feeding him more appropriate food.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I have just finished reading about grain free catfood and it seems like there’s no real consensus. And of course a lot of the “grain free” foods just ups the pea content instead, which is questionable. I asked my vet to weigh in and am waiting to hear back.

          1. RC*

            Re: grain-free: our last vet was just adamant not corn (rice was ok), because corn in cat food is like them eating McDonalds every day. Our current vet hasn’t been as opinionated, but did tell us that the AAFCO labels are what we should go with (there are three levels that are basically like, yes this food is actually formulated and/or tested to meet all their nutritional needs. Don’t get anything that doesn’t have that statement or that says “intermittent feeding”). And then it’s just which kind will they like enough (the stuff we had been feeding got reformulated and everyone hated it, so we just went through this).

            1. Jackalope*

              Don’t get anything that doesn’t have that statement, or just don’t make it their primary food? Ie, is it actively unhealthy for them to eat, or is it something that’s fine for them as a part of their diet as long as it’s not the whole thing?

              1. RC*

                Check with your own vet, but I think the language is significant and so if it doesn’t have it then whatever could be in there is /shrugemoji, which isn’t really something I’m willing to chance.

                tbf I haven’t looked too closely into the “supplemental feeding only” ones since if anything we need less snacks for them, heh. But hopefully you have a vet whose judgement you trust and can ask them any specific questions.

              2. JSPA*

                That statement has to do with nutritional completeness. Nothing to do with the quality of the materials used. A cat will eventually die if fed only 100% chicken breast or only 100% tuna (etc) not because those are bad foods, or junk food, but because they’re lacking essential nutrients for cats. A food that seems to have “additives” is putting in those essential nutrients in their simplest form; others that do it by adding various fruits and vegetables may be well-loved and tolerated or completely indigestible and sick-making for your specific cat.

                Also, some additional causes:

                Stressed cats, like stressed people, can smell stressed.

                Anal gland problems.

                Fur picked up bad smells at the prior location.

                Minor incontinence in transport / still cleaning themselves.

                When my cat got into something toxic, I roughly powdered up some grain flakes (spelt? oatmeal?) with a stick blender, and rubbed it in / combed it out, But that was knowing that the cat was not allergic to the grain and the cat loved combing. But we ended up with a rinse, I think; the dry stuff soaked up oils and smell to remove needing soap.

                Alternatively some cats respond to a moist-not-soaking warm water spongebath as if mom- cat were licking them. (Watch video of mom cat licking kittens to understend the approach– it’s a pretty firm lick, you can’t tickle the surface with a wet sponge.) I dry each stroke with clean section of fluffy hand towel as I go.

                If you do have to wash a cat be scrupulously attentive to the water temperature. in centigrade, I find 39 (in cooler air temps) or even 40 for a burbling showerhead (where only part of the cat is in the flow) will get them wet without panic. In hotter air temperatures, 38 is probably safer for bathing.

          2. AnonymousOctopus*

            My vet steered me away from grain free dry cat food due to the concerns about heart problems (DCM). At first it was just dogs being affected but it’s been found in cats too. If your pet is intolerant of grains then it’s the better option, of course! But I’m glad I talked to my vet about it.

            1. epicdemiologist*

              Octopus, I knew about dilated cardiomyopathy in dogs being possibly caused by grain-free foods (AKC has a pretty thorough rundown on it, which I’ll link to in a reply), but had not heard about it in cats! That’s disturbing.

          3. ReallyBadPerson*

            I really think it’s any carbohydrate. Cats don’t have the enzymes to break them down. Some cats can manage without problems, but a lot can’t. All kibble has carbs as a filler, so it may be worth switching to a wet cat food that is low in carbohydrates. catinfo.org has some excellent info on choosing a suitable cat food. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that some of the cheaper supermarket brands are very good.

        2. RC*

          If the smell is coming from their fur, and they lick their fur, diet seems a reasonable variable to consider (there’s the whole saliva thing, isn’t there?).

          Our newest boy came to us so filthy and with instructions to NOT bathe him for a week, since they’d just cut off his balls (before bathing him!!). But in the intervening week he managed to fully clean his (quite long!) fur (and I try not to think about all the grossness he ingested in the process..).

          So yeah I’d give it a bit more time for her to settle into new foods and routines and see if it resolves itself.

          1. Zephy*

            In defense of animal shelters that spay/neuter without bathing first:

            The goal of a (functional) animal shelter is to minimize the time any given animal spends in their care. The longer an animal stays in the shelter, the more likely it is to get sick, which means it has to stay longer (for shelters with the luxury of being able to treat illnesses), or it gets fast-tracked to euthanasia (for shelters without that level of funding and community support).

            Bathing animals (particularly cats) is a whole specialized skillset that not just any kennel tech, or even vet tech, will necessarily have. Even professional groomers can only do maybe 5 animals in a given workday, and a groomer volunteering at an animal shelter is likely (1) not working a full 8 hours (for free), and even if they are actually paid staff, they are (2) dealing with animals in considerably worse shape than the typical grooming client, physically and emotionally.

            A lot of shelters also require their animals to be sterilized before being released for adoption, and as you know, you have to wait some amount of time after surgery before you can bathe your new pet. If every animal had to wait for a bath, either before or after getting surgery, plenty would never get to leave the shelter. More time in care = more chance of sickness. Sick animals can’t get baths OR surgery. Just being dirty is not life-threatening. If it’s a choice between waiting for a bath or getting snipped ASAP so the animal can leave the shelter, the correct solution should be obvious.

            1. Rage*

              Also, bathing a cat that is already tense/unsure/scared/nervous in the shelter environment is likely to annoy it to the point where adopters will be turned off by its demeanor – even if it’s otherwise a lovely cat!

              1. RC*

                Yeah I get that their priorities are elsewhere, he was just SO greasy and dirty and matted when we met him (the vet report also said he had an abscess when he came in, maybe because of the mats). But he picked us anyway, so.

      2. Emily Byrd Starr*

        So Phoebe from Friends was right on when she sang”Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?” Lol

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      A musky smell can be stress. (“Hey, other cats in sniffing distance, warning! Everything is weird!”) So the pet wipes might remove it in a few days, when she is calmer.

      1. Pumpernickel Princess*

        Seconding this! I adopted a cat last year whose was greasy and smelly for the first few days I had him. He’d recently been neutered so his hormones were all over the place, and he hadn’t been grooming himself due to the stress of the shelter. I just gently brushed him daily to help disperse the oils. The stink faded as he grew more confident, got adjusted to new hormone levels, ate better food, and started grooming himself again. My greasy, stinky, matted cat is now a silky soft fluffball who smells great!

        Congrats on your new furry friend!

    3. RLC*

      Years ago we adopted a cat who also had a musty smell about her-in her case the smell came from the home she’d been in. Seemed the house odor had permeated her fur. Within a couple of weeks it dissipated as she groomed herself and now lived in a non-smelly home. Perhaps repeated use of the pet wipes will accelerate the odor removal?

    5. Bay*

      This probably doesn’t apply in your situation because adult cats are so different from kittens, but I want to share in case it’s relevant for someone: when I brought my current cat home, she was very young and very dirty. I had about ten seconds of thinking about giving her some time before a bath because of course everything was stressful and overwhelming, but she stank so much and seemed miserable about it, so I bathed her the moment we got home. She was so, so happy about it. Like she didn’t enjoy the water but she had really wanted someone to take care of her and she was relieved to be clean. So it’s not always ‘baths= terrible’!

      1. Kate*

        I had a cat who LOVED baths *shrug* He would float around happily in the water like a manatee, and stick his head under the running faucet.

        He was a weirdo in many ways :D RIP Phil.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I once was filling a bath, and found puddles on the hall floor outside the bathroom. Oh no a plumbing leak! Until I saw that the puddles continued down the stairs, to a sopping wet Destructobot, who wants you to know that NOTHING happened.

          I managed to corner her with a towel and take her from sodden to damp, but there was very definitely no reason to do that, because nothing had happened, she conveyed through body language.

          1. Sloanicota*

            How did she get so wet in the first place? Did she jump in the shower or something? I had a cat that used to do that.

    6. Texan in Exile*

      We fostered two stinky cats in January. Once they had been in our house for a few days and felt better (they were recovering from respiratory infections), they started cleaning themselves and the smell went away. By the time we had to return them to the shelter – ten days later, they smelled fine and were happy and engaged and we really miss them.

    7. A Significant Tree*

      Our most recent cat adoption is the first time I encountered this. I think it was fear-stink rather than diet for this cat, since the rescue place gave us samples of the wet and dry food she had been eating and I kept her on that for almost a week. It was … a lot but I got an air purifier going in the room she was in, and she (and the room) smelled a lot better after a full day of settling in and a successful litter visit. Since then she’s been fully introduced to the resident cat and had a gradual diet change and the fear-stink problem has not recurred.

      Good luck, I hope the problem resolves quickly!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Update: thanks everyone, you were all so right, I think it was just stress and maybe whatever she was eating, because she smelled noticeable better already by day three. And she is the sweetest, goodest girl that ere catted about the house! My existing resident cat is besotted with her (I tried to keep them separate but their love could not be denied). I had stopped singing her the Friends song but she may associate it with dinner at this point so I’ll substitute more appropriate lyrics.

  5. Undine Spragg*

    Any ideas on how to find videos of people doing ordinary things, fairly static, like eating a meal, drinking a cup of tea, or reading a book? With a background that includes normal human clutter and is not polished and perfect. No voice over necessary. I feel like I’ve read about these but all the googles I can think of bring up the wrong thing (cafe jazz, instructions on how to make a cup of coffee, etc.) I don’t want to go to tiktok if I can avoid it.

    For background, I’ve started keeping a sketchbook and I’d like to practice drawing people who move around but not too much. I do sketch IRL, but it would be really great to be able to pop up a video of someone moving but not a lot and just put it on loop and practice techniques for capturing people quickly.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      ASMR + whatever scene you want might work? I tried googling “have coffee with me video” and got some results that seemed like they’d work for this, which you could mute if you don’t want to listen to their one-sided conversation lol.

      1. Undine Spragg*

        ASMR. That’s the magic word! I knew there was something like that out there.

        I’ve been looking around and my other candidates include unboxing videos that show the person and not just the box (art supplies, of course), and cooking videos. Or make up tutorials if I get really desperate!

    2. Six Feldspar*

      Not a video, but when I started sketching someone recommended using photos from old National Geographic magazines – lots of practice with different poses and colours and a diverse range of people

      1. Undine Spragg*

        I’ve drawn a lot from photos, and also stop tv shows and draw from there, but I specifically want to work with the little fidgets and movements that happen in real life. Thanks!

    4. A Girl Named Fred*

      ASMR is a great suggestion – I also wonder if searching YT for something like “people watching” or “people watch with me” might turn up videos that people have made specifically to sketch to?

    5. LBD*

      A channel on Youtube called The Ulengovs has videos of people in remote area villages of Russia living their day-to-day lives. A lot of scenes of cooking, and some gardening and farm chores. My favourites include bread made from scratch and baked in wood fired brick ovens in their kitchens. Some of the ones I like best are from about 2 years ago, and have just the ambient sounds of people chatting in the background, and whatever animals happen along. Meow? They are very soothing.

      1. Retired lawyer*

        I also wanted to mention that if you do find something on YouTube that’s good, but too fast, YouTube has controls that allow you to slow down playback. You can also set it up to loop specific smaller parts of a larger video

    6. Festively Dressed Earl*

      “Dad how do I?” videos on Youtube. It’s one guy showing how to do ordinary things like tie a tie, plant a tree, cook a meal, paint, etc. I’m guessing there’s a lot of similar instructional videos showing people how to do ordinary things, and they go relatively slowly so you can follow along so they may be good for drawing.

    7. Steve*

      Try looking into ADHD Body Doubling, perhaps YouTube will give you what you need. Sometimes people with ADHD will find it useful to have someone alongside them (even virtually) doing basic tasks. It helps them focus to accomplish their daily chores.

    8. Magdalena*

      This might be too static but I immediately thought of that YouTube video of Nick Offerman sitting by the fireplace drinking whisky. He is moving a little but not too much and it feels really cozy.

  6. HannahS*

    Wood-workers, I need advice. What would you consider the absolute bare minimum gear/setup for someone with no experience?

    My goal is just to make some wide, low shelves for my daughter’s toys, a storage bench for our entryway, things like that. I see plans from people like Ana White that use a kreg jig rather than more advanced joinery techniques. I guess I’m wondering if I can get away with like, a drill, a hand saw or jig saw, some clamps, some measuring tools, and appropriate PPE. I really can’t buy a table saw or other large tools at this point.

    I ask because I’m a fairly advanced seamstress and I see all kinds of “what you need to start sewing” lists that are absurdly excessive, especially if you’re just getting started (and am happy to share my own “bare minimum” list for that if anyone wants.)

    Any other advice on how to start or where to find good information is welcome!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband is a wood worker, and I directed this to him. He built some shelves when we were in our first apartment (about 30 years ago, still going strong), and didn’t have a table saw.

      Things he would have had then: handsaw, jigsaw, router, a couple of sawhorses (to hold the wood up, so you aren’t working on your floor and damaging that when cutting), and a drill and power screwdriver. The router is really helpful for making the indentations to hold the shelves. He recommends a circular saw as a much easier way to do the straight cuts (and make them more likely to be straight than the handsaw); they are less than $100.

    2. RLC*

      Furniture restorer/woodworker here, my most used power tools (cordless) include drill, circular saw, and small orbital sander, best to get all of the same brand so one battery system fits all. Also a hacksaw, framing square (16”x24”), dead blow hammer, and framing hammer.
      If you have a “Woodcraft” store near you, I’ve found their staff to be most helpful and knowledgeable.
      The YouTube how-to videos from “This Old House” are good too.

    3. Squidhead*

      With a jigsaw or a handsaw it will be very difficult to rip lumber (cut a long board in the same direction as the grain to make it narrower). Cross-cutting at a 90 degree angle (or mitering at a 30 to 60 degree angle) won’t be too bad but will take some practice.

      So you’ll be looking at things you can do by making rectangular boards into bigger rectangular objects. Which is totally fine if function and simplicity is your goal! You definitely don’t need a kreg jig*, though a kit of small (1/16th inch on up to 3/8 inch or so) drill bits might be handy. For example, you can pre-drill a hole that is just slightly smaller than the screw you’re going to use and then use a screw bit or screw driver to tighten the screw with less chance of splitting the wood. *Kreg jigs are handy for joining boards at right angles without using a cleat or angle bracket or just driving the screw in at an angle through both pieces of wood (called toenailing).

      Battery powered tools are nice (a drill and a jigsaw could run on the same brand of battery) but corded tools are generally cheaper still, and you don’t have to maintain batteries. You might need a decent extension cord though.

      Former college-student-me had a large set of shelves made entirely of pine boards from Home Depot as well as a bed frame. They worked, though they weren’t elegant!

    4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Handy person but definitely not professional here. My bare bones suggestions would be:
      – tape measure
      – framing square
      – rip saw
      – tenon saw or gent saw
      – cordless drill
      – hammer
      – rubber mallet
      – sand paper
      – wood glue, screws, nails, dowels
      – a couple of clamps
      – spirit level

      Plus a table/work surface at a useable height that you don’t mind getting scratched (if you can’t have a separate table for that, a sizeable piece of wood clamped to an available table should work, too)

      Have fun and don’t expect perfection!

    5. Angstrom*

      As a novice, I found that Japanese-style hand saws that cut on the pull stroke were easier for me to use than Western-style saws that cut on the push stroke.
      A good square for marking right-angle cuts is huge help.

    6. JillOfAllTrades*

      This might depend on your area of the world, but for some of the bigger items there may be places that will loan you the bigger things like a cross cut or a table saw, or even smaller things like a jigsaw or router. We have a “library of things” that’s just opened near us, and it’s part of an eco shop so maybe have a look in that kind of community :)

    7. Emma*

      An acquaintance just told me that some areas have maker spaces that you can pay a monthly fee to use, that sometimes have sewing or woodworking tools. It sounded cool!

    8. Karl Newman*

      Hi HannahS
      I gave been a professional caninetmaker since 1982 so I might know a thing or two.
      You will need a saw for cutting wood to size.
      a hammer for driving nails and nudging parts onto place.
      nails for assembling the cases. or screws, nails are easier to hide.
      wood and wood glue.
      some kind of finish and a paintbrush to apply it.
      NOTHING else is needed.
      shelves can be nailed in place from the outside. backs can be nailed on without rabbets to house them.
      be well
      Karl Newman

    9. Laura*

      I’m a very practical DIYer — the kinds of things you’re talking about (bookshelf, shoe bench, etc), no fancy hardwood or joinery. I’ve found my critical items to be tape measure, circular saw, drill, and kreg + a zillion clamps of all sizes. Miter saw came next then later I added a kreg cutting track so I could cut whole sheets of plywood without needing the space of a table saw. I’ve slowly added on more the years but if I had to buy one saw, it’s be circular unless you plan to do moldings are other things that need angle cuts (then miter is needed).
      Also a fellow sewist!

    10. OwnedByCats*

      I have built a lot of shelves for a lot of uses with a very basic kit (straight 90 degree joins):
      Circular saw (so!! much easier than hand saw), drill, drill bits, screwdriver, hammer (don’t need a heavy one), level, square (get one with measure markings), tape measure, sander & paper, clamps, flat top wood screws (probably #6 or 8, length & size depends a bit on what size your project & wood is, and likely load). If you have any sort of a second hand store, you can probably pick up some of these cheaper than new. Habitat for Humanity ReStores and the like. The shelves I was building were all using 1×4 or 1×3, with a few 1×1 pieces; flat shelves attached to 1×4 side stands – nothing fancy, but serviceable. The circular saw is much easier to make quick straight cuts. I have screwdriver bits that just mount into my drill for work where I am just quickly running things in, no corners or finicky spots.

      You’ll want some sort of work surface – no accidental damage to floors or furniture, and much easier on your back. I use 2 sawhorses and an old (cheap & hollow) wooden door when I just need quick space. Also much nicer to sand, paint, varnish on a surface you don’t need to care about. While you can hand sand, I used an orbital sander & sanded down to 120 grit before I started cutting – easier to get all the edges before you have a bunch of angles to work around.

    11. Swix*

      If you need to cut large sheets of plywood, or cut larger boards to size, hardware stores like Home Depot will often be able to cut them for you.
      Mine will do up to 10 cuts at a time, in theory for $1 per cut but they usually don’t bother charging that.

  7. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Movie: Six Triple Eight, about the only Black WAC Unit to deploy to Europe in World War 2, assigned to untangle the massive boondoggle that had arisen from planning to deal with all the mail backlog sometime later. Really liked this for the look at forgotten history. Would have liked a little more focus on Major Charity Adams, the commander, who is the sort of person who triple majors in Physics, Math, and Latin. The solution was a balance of needing a logical mind to untangle things, and listening to your people for any bits of relevant experience they could figure out how to cross-apply.

    Halfway through Season 2 of The Night Agent, which does not have enough momentum to prevent me noticing that various plans are stupid. I do appreciate Haleh, who is trying to manifest herself into a light office comedy by sheer will.

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Season 3 of Invincible, which is so far juggling its eight thousand storylines pretty well–but we can’t ever skip the recap at the beginning or we spend the whole time going what? Who was that? From season ONE? And now they’re back?

      I do love the voice acting–the guy who does Alan the Alien is perfect.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      Still on a rewatch of Agatha Christie Marple.
      I’ve also watched a few Bollywood movies. my favourite was Om shanti om.

    3. CTT*

      I watched The Wild Robot tonight. I think it probably would have worked better as a short film but also sobbed so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      To continue the Oscar vibe, I’m watching the taping of the recent live read of Conclave that was uploaded to YouTube.

      1. Evvy*

        The Wild Robot made me bawl in the theater. I loved the first half and was meh on the last third or so. I think it’s one of the only movies I’ve seen where my strongest emotional reaction didn’t come at/anywhere near the end.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I loved the Wild Robot to pieces. The latter third or so of the film, to me, is what takes it from being about a robot looking for someone to give it a task, to someone making their own decisions who was never expected to do that. The story didn’t end when her kid left home.

    4. Ariaflame*

      Joining in late for Ted Lasso and catching up on some TTRPGs that i watch, but started watching Ludwig which is a British comedy drama sort of police. Starts Mitchell from Mitchell & Webb (you may have seen the are we the baddies skit)

    5. Meow*

      I watched The Pitt. Lasted three episodes before giving up.

      Films wise, Look Back is fantastic and it ruined me.

    6. allathian*

      Rings of Power. I’m enjoying it although I have no idea what’s really going on. I’m enjoying my husband and son nitpicking the finer plot points more than the show itself. I’ve read LotR and The Hobbit several times, barely managed to get through The Silmarillion once, and The Lost Tales finally convinced me that it’s okay to DNF a book.

      Picard season 2. I really enjoyed the first season and absolutely hated the first episode of the second, but halfway through the season I’m starting to enjoy it, even if it’s set on an alternate Earth, LA, 2024, and the huge fires around the city hit a little too close to home!

    7. BadMitten*

      Severance and yes. The storyline seems a bit…unpolished? Like a first book vs a later book when you get more of the hang of writing. But the premise is really creative and the casting and acting is phenomenal. Trammell Tillman manages to stand out even amongst a great cast—I hope to see him in more things. It reminds me a bit of early seasons Westworld.

      I’d already gotten a free trial of Apple tv+ with my iPhone or something but I was able to get another 3 months from my Roku tv.

    8. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’ve been enjoying the new season of Lucy Worsley Investigates, which is a modern re-investigation of key events in British history. It’s interesting to watch it with my husband because (being American) he doesn’t know much about some of these topics. He really enjoyed the episode on 1066 because he didn’t previously know anything about it.

      I also saw The Seed of the Sacred Fig, an Iranian film (filmed in secret and smuggled out of the country) about a family that implodes during the Women, Life, Freedom protests. A tough watch, but the acting is brilliant and the final sequence is incredibly tense.

      1. Southern Violet*

        Oh I love Lucy Worsley! She is fantastic. I really love her Tales from the Royal Wardeobe/Tales from the Royal Bedchamber pair.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      Last night after several years (and a couple of weeks being overdue at the library) I finally got around to watching Knives Out! Nicely done murder mystery and Daniel Craig is clearly having tremendous fun playing Benoit Blanc.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        There’s a special joy to watching a well-executed story where the actors are clearly having tremendous fun. Slow Horses hits that vibe for me.

      2. RC*

        Check out Glass Onion too! I think I liked it even more than the first one (plus an excuse to listen to the extremely catchy Lonely Island Mona Lisa song– should have played over the credits imo)

    10. Angstrom*

      The Hunger, the 1983 vampire movie with David Bowie, Catherine Deneve, and Susan Sarandon. Ok as a time capsule — hardly “bizzare” or “shocking” by current standards. Has an interesting twist on being undead.

      After seeing the recent “Nosferatu” I watched several old Dracula movies. Was annoyed by the swap of Lucy and Mina’s names in the Frank Langella version. Did like the low-budget sincerity of the first of the Peter Cushing-Christopher Lee series (“Horror of Dracula” in the US). Was amused to see that the hero in the 1968 “Dracual Has Risen From the Grave” looked a bit like Roger Daltrey.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I hate it when Dracula movies make stupid changes like that–why swap names when it has nothing to do with the other changes made to the story?

        I love The Hunger; Susan Sarandon did an interview in the documentary The Celluloid Closet that still cracks me up with her take on that film’s relationships.

          1. Onomatopoetic*

            The Celluloid Closet is so good, and sometimes just heartbreaking. You can find it on YouTube.

    11. Binge-watcher*

      Monarch of the Glen, about the quirky but lovable family of a modern Scottish laird. Great fun. On Roku and Prime.

    12. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Paddington in Peru. We saw it at Disney Dine-In last night and it was perfect. Sweet, heartwarming, and so funny my husband nearly choked on his chicken caesar. Olivia Colman and Antonio Banderas were clearly having a great time playing their characters.

    13. GoryDetails*

      I just saw Flow, a lovely, enigmatic, and completely wordless animated film co-produced in Latvia, France, and Belgium. It’s quite beautiful, and while there are a lot of tense moments for the animal protagonists, they do make it through OK. (I’d seen the previews of the cat in the water and was very worried. Yes, worried about a cartoon cat {grin}.) The animals behave mostly like animals, with a few bits of elevated behavior – steering a boat, rescuing each other. The story involves a sudden, cataclysmic flood, with the protagonist animals finding each other as they flee the rising water; through the journey they become friends, find allies, have some transcendental experiences… it’s kinda weird, actually. But it really is lovely, and I’m glad I saw it. (I think it’s still in theaters, but I caught it on HBO.)

      On the darker (much darker!) side: the mini-series “Devil’s Diner” on Netflix – a Vietnamese production. It’s a linked anthology series, with the titular diner hosting some kind of demonic deal for people’s souls, and each episode focuses on one set of characters who fall foul of one of the deadly sins. Nicely creepy and quite grisly, and I rather like it.

      2. I take tea*

        I loved Flow as well. It was beautiful and dramatic. I liked that they used real animal sounds too.

    14. Angstrom*

      The Assassination Bureau, 1969 comedy. Fun bit of fluff. Gaping plot holes. Mostly an excuse to watch Diana Rigg and company have misadventures in elegant costumes.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve just found The Repair Shop. I must admit I would like it to show more of the objects and less of the faces of the people doing the restoration work. But it is a beautiful pace for me right now.

      As if I needed another reason to want to visit the Weald&Downland Museum!

    16. RC*

      Since I can only rewatch Taskmaster so many times until the new season comes out, I’ve capitulated to Youtube’s suggestions of some old episodes of Richard Osman’s House of Games (Alex Horne and James Acaster both are very good at this heh).

      Also Celebrity Jeopardy is on Hulu and it’s been fun watching some celebrities completely destroy other celebrities (even when I like the latter!)

    17. Clara Bowe*

      I am watching season 4 of the rebooted Cold Case Files. I was raised in the Chicagoland area, so there is something viscerally soothing and comforting about Bill Kurtis’ voice. (He was/has been a local newscaster here since the 70’s, and has narrated something in basically ALL of our museums.) I am thrilled with the rebooting of all this 1990’s-early aughts A&E original content as this was basically my comfort watching as a young person.

      Also, this is a very person-who-was-victimized FOCUSED work. It is the person’s story and they interview the families and people who love/d them and talk about the impact of their loss of said person. It doesn’t sensationalize or focus on the person who committed the crime, which I feel should be the bar in the first place? But, do recommend.

    18. Rosyglasses*

      Binged the latest season (available episodes) of Love is Blind – and they spent 5 episodes just on the pods and the people pretty much all look the same and it was pretty boring. (Interestingly found a couple of sub-reddits that mentioned three of the guys and that even by episode 5 they still couldn’t remember which was which).

      Currently watching Murder By Death which features Peter Sellers, Peter Falk, Truman Capote, Maggie Smith (a young version!) and an all around amazing cast of characters. Filmed in 1976 – it’s a pretty campy detective movie (think Clue).

      We generally watch episodes of Severance, Mythic Quest, and Taskmaster (currently on Season 16) during the week.

    19. Rosyglasses*

      Also – I really have struggled through the second season of the Night Agent and The Recruit as well – I don’t feel like it has the draw it did in Season 1.

      1. Katydid*

        I struggled to get through both of these as well, my husband couldn’t tell the difference between the two and told me the dialogue was “cheesy” and I don’t disagree.

  8. Irene in VA*

    Cats are so adorable when they curl up together like that. What’s the one in the back named? I checked the Cats of AAM link and couldn’t match him/her up. Looks like he/she is on guard!

    To pose a question, does anyone have suggestions for reasonably healthy meals that serve 1 or 2 people and don’t require any refrigerated or frozen ingredients at all? No leftovers that need to be chilled, please. I think my refrigerator might give completely out before the new one I’ve chosen comes off of backorder.

    Right now I have packets of instant oatmeal and grits, cold cereal (I like eating it without milk), rice and dry beans, quinoa, bread and peanut butter, bananas, clementines, apples, nori … and cans/cartons of soup, but these contain more than 2 servings. What else would get me through a few weeks without a refrigerator?

    1. old curmudgeon*

      Any possibility that you could rent one of those mini-fridges, the kind they have in dormitories, for the few weeks you’ll be waiting for the full-sized one? They don’t have a lot of space, but you could keep a small amount of leftover food safely in one.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      Oh, and I think the orange-and-white cat in the background might be Stella. Alison will hopefully chime in with the correct answer!

    4. Undine Spragg*

      If you eat fish protein, you might be able to eat a can of sardines or clams, or if that’s too much, those pouches of flavored tuna can be good. Potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots. Tomatoes. Many vegetables will be okay for a few days without a fridge. Onions may be too big but shallots are small. There are one-serving cans of soup — overpriced and a small range but fine for this situation. Falafel mix–you can make as much or as little as you want. Nuts. Dried mushrooms are a bit fussy — they have to be soaked– but they can add a lot of flavor. Very dry cheeses, like aged gouda, can last a while in a cool place.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        In addition to shelf-stable packs of tuna salad, there’s a chicken salad version. (I volunteer at a food pantry and these are popular.)

    5. OaDC*

      I don’t do mayo tuna salad; a go-to lunch for me is a can of tuna with cherry or grape tomatoes, onion, and other vegetables if I have them (peppers, celery, etc.). Balsamic or red wine vinegar, and any herbs I have. Or dried oregano. Crackers. One serving/no leftovers.

    6. HannahS*

      My grocery store has vacuum-sealed pouches of various curries. You can heat them in a microwave and eat with toast or rice.

      Canned seasoned seafood (eat with rice and nori if you want a change from sandwiches,) or stir in pasta.

      Dried fruit and nuts can be nice, especially because you can use them in a grain salad (e.g. barley, dried cranberries, beans, nuts.)

      Herbs can be kept on the counter in water, like flowers, and will add some freshness to your diet.

      Most veggies can be un-refrigerated for a few days. Peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers, potatoes come to mind.

      2. Jackalope*

        Pears can also go unrefrigerated for awhile and if you’re in the northern hemisphere they’re in season right now.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Pancake mix, maybe. Instant mashed potatoes. I second the flavored tuna packets; also tinned chicken. (Packet of mashed potatoes, mix in a tin of chicken, bit of bbq sauce on top. One of my favorite quick meals, though I usually use shredded rotisserie chicken out of the freezer, but the small tuna-style tin of chicken will do too.)

    8. Random Academic Cog*

      Have to stock my hurricane kit every year.
      One of my go-to meals for 1 is a small can of vegetarian baked beans and a cup of single-serve minute rice (they have multiple types of rice and some have flavorings). Dump the baked beans in a bowl and microwave it for 30-60 seconds at a time (stirring each break), then let the beans cool on the counter for a moment while the rice cup is in the microwave. Dump the rice on top, mix it through, and you’ve got a pretty solid meal.
      Single-serve packets of tuna fish – especially pre-made as tuna salad or the kits where you mix the mayo and relish in the lid. Keep extra crackers, and you’ve got a heavy snack/light lunch.
      Single-serve cans or cups of peas, applesauce (love the pouches). You can also get oatmeal smoothie pouches that are better cold, but edible at room temp.
      Single-serve jelly and peanut butter packs that are shelf-stable. I keep protein bars on hand as well.
      And you can get milk boxes (usually near the breakfast foods at the store). Not great as a drink, but fine as an ingredient for anything cooked and tolerable in cereal.

    9. Seashell*

      When our fridge was dying and I had some mushrooms, cheese, & corn on the cob to use up (it was summer), we made mushroom, corn, and black bean quesadillas. I sauteed the mushrooms and corn in a little oil. You could keep a block of hard cheese like cheddar out of the fridge, canned corn could work, and you could add a bell pepper or avocado for extra nutrition.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Hormel Compleats shelf-stable meals. (You pop them in the microwave like a TV dinner.) Canned roast beef, canned diced ham, canned chicken breast, spam.

    10. Meow*

      Your local climate, access to fresh food, as well as your preference matter so much that I don’t know if anything I say are useful. I’m very much a peanut butter pretzel, fresh crunchy vegetables from next foor greengrocer, and stone fruits kind of person. The fresh food never last long enough before they are eaten for fridge to even be a thing that’s required. I don’t know how plausible that is for you.

    11. BellStell*

      Is your weather cold enough to store fruit and veg on a window sill or balcony outside? What about powdered milk for water to add for the cereal? What about a beer cooler for stuff like milk using ice you swap out once it melts?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, maybe some good room-temp fruits like apples, bananas, oranges, avocados?

    12. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      A fridge without power is a giant well-insulated cooler. Can you go buy a bag or block of ice (blocks will last longer) every few days and just use the fridge that way?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        If you do this, make sure said ice is IN something that can be emptied as it melts, or the water will get everywhere (ask how I know :( )

    13. Irene in VA*

      I’m so happy with all the advice so far. Everyone who posted either reminded me of shelf-stable food I’d forgotten about (pears, tuna salad in foil packs, Hormel Compleats …) or informed me about things I hadn’t considered (falafel mix – even the store in my small town has it! I’m sure it’ll become a new staple for me. No luck sourcing dried mushrooms locally yet.). Love the idea of fresh herbs in glass jars – I’d heard of that before, but thought they had to stay in the refrigerator.

      To answer some of your questions, I live on the Virginia/North Carolina border and it’s very cold, likely to stay that way long enough for me to store cheese etc. outdoors in a cooler bag until I can use it up. I’m not picky about food and will try most new things. I limit ultra-processed things and products with a lot of sodium or sugar if I can, but I’m flexible, especially when (I hope) this situation will be short-term.

      Thanks so much for your helpful posts!

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Lentils cook quickly enough you can do them in small amounts. Turkish red lentil balls are a favorite. (mercimek koftesi). A lot of spicy stewed foods can be “self canned” to last an extra few hours — simmer tightly closed for 20 minutes and do NOT lift the lid until mealtime. I prefer to do this fully vegetarian because of food safety issues, but my late* husband would do it with meat chili too.

      (*No link there!)

  9. Old Plant Woman*

    My husband is seriously done with his phone and has put it away. I want him to have a communication device for emergency use. So he’s asked me to find him a phone that accepts calls and texts only. Ideas? Advice?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Jitterbug phones. We had this for my parents, and it is to address the real demand for “I just want it to be a phone and nothing else, damn it.”

      The basic, non-smart model is a pain to send texts out on, but sounds like he would be fine with that–he can easily read a text from you, and receive or make calls.

      1. Observer*

        Jitterbug phones mean the jitterbug service as well. Which tends to be over-priced for plain service.

        I happen to like the Nokia branded HMD phones, but there are other options as well that would work with whatever service @OPW already has.

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Could he get a cheap cellphone and remove/not install the addictive time-wasting apps and ignore those that can’t be removed? He might later decide that he’d like to use a calendar app after all, or a grocery-list app, or a clock, or some other low-key practical app, and a cellphone would allow that kind of future flexibility. I don’t know what you can do on a Jitterbug phone, but it might be too limiting.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It sounds like he has a bells and whistles phone and doesn’t want to use it for now, hence the request for a model that does calls and texts only.

    3. Jenna Webster*

      Aren’t some of the phones you can get at WalMart and prepay just regular phones without any data? It’s been a while since I needed one, but it seems like it should be a thing, right?

    4. Not your typical admin*

      Your cell phone carrier may have to do some looking, but most still have the old flip style phones that only call and text. My dad refuses to switch to a smart phone, and one of my preteens friends just got one. Both were able to get them through their carriers.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Yeah, I never made the move to smart phones, and I can still get a flip phone at the ATT store. If your local store is out, there’s probably another location that will have them.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Do watch out for the thing that caught us: FLIP(TM) is a brand name for a folding smartphone.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      One thing I’ve considered for a somewhat different use case is one of the smartwatches designed for kids whose parents don’t want to get them a real phone yet. (There are quite a few of these, generally designed to pair with an app on the parent’s phone.) They generally let you call/text a limited list of numbers, which was a dealbreaker for me in my use case, but might be a fine compromise if he really doesn’t want a phone at all and you really want him to be able to call you, emergency services, and your local towing service.

      (My use case is that I wanted something small, inexpensive, and rugged to carry with me on dog walks and similar local adventures rather than my smartphone. I used to have a cheap prepaid flip phone that fit nicely in my pocket, but it was 3G so it stopped getting cell service. I considered an Apple Watch but I really wanted something with a camera since I take pictures of posters for local events while I’m out in walks so I have the information later. I am currently resentfully carrying my smartphone since I couldn’t find a decent second device.)

    6. Shiny Penny*

      I get service thru Tracfone and just saw they sell flip phones on their site.
      Tracfone is cheap and has worked great for us for 20+ years. (Just don’t expect good customer service if something goes wrong lolol)

      1. Concerned parent*

        Another vote for TracFone. I wound up buying a Moto G, but they have a lot of just plain call and text Phone as well.

    8. AnonymousOctopus*

      Yep, basic prepaid phone through something like TracFone or a model meant for kids/tweens that limits functions would both be worth looking into.

    9. Old Plant Woman*

      A smart watch might be just the thing. If you have one, do you like it and wear it regularly?

    11. Observer*

      So he’s asked me to find him a phone that accepts calls and texts only. Ideas? Advice?

      HMD makes Nokia branded cell phones. They are technically “feature” phones, but you only get them if you really don’t want to do anything but talk and text. They are solid phones and not expensive.

    12. Shakti*

      My daughter has a flip phone we got through Verizon and it’s extremely basic! Call and text and it can receive photos and videos and technically you can view links, but the screen size and image quality is so horrible that it might as well not have internet access

    13. Anonanonanon*

      Can he just delete the apps he doesn’t want to use off his current phone?

      If it’s more of a willpower issue, there’s a product called Brick – when you tap it, it disables all the apps you tell it you don’t want to use, until you tap it again.

      1. Observer*

        For a lot of people it’s not just a willpower issue. When all you really want is talk and *minimal* texting, these phones really are a better bet.

        Also, these basic phones are a lot more sturdy than inexpensive smart phones. From a security point of view as well, there just isn’t anything to hack.

        I’m not a luddite, and I’m not giving up my smart phone any time soon. But for someone who affirmatively does not want the features of a smart phone, a basic feature phone is a much better choice than a smart phone that’s been blocked.

    14. Swix*

      My partner has brand called Light Phone, which does a little more than just calls and text, but you wouldn’t be able to browse the internet on it.

  10. Falling Diphthong*

    Star Wars was released in spring of ’77. If you’re old enough to have seen it in theaters then, do you have a memory of that opening, with the spaceship going over, and then the imperial cruiser goes over, and your mind decided that this was important and it should preserve this formative memory?

    I’ll open it up to any other formative movie or book experiences that you remember–the moment where you first realized something was possible, that hadn’t been before.

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t recall anything specific from the movie but I remember I loved it and I think we went to McDonald’s after (ir before). If you are a child of the 7os, you know this is a treat. I was 7 or 8. Related: I have origin stars wars action figures from that time , my brother hung onto them). I need to figure out rehoming them. He’s gone four years and it’s time.

      1. RagingADHD*

        This is similar to my experiences. I saw it multiple times in the theater and we immediately begged for every kind of spinoff product as soon as it became available, so when it comes to visual memories, it’s as much the scenes from the comic book in my head as from the movie itself.

        We recently located the Holiday Special and showed it to our kids, and that was a *trip.* I remember thinking it was really funny, but I was very small and you know, it is not that hard to make little kids laugh. My own kids are teens now, and the fascination of watching a slow motion train wreck didn’t keep them interested for long.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          The Stuff You Should Know podcast replays their episode about the holiday special every December. And there’s now a documentary about it, too.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      I did see it in theaters…I was 9. I had a friend who saw it before me and was very excitedly going on and on telling me about it in great detail, which generally kind of bugged me because I didn’t want to be “forced” to like what she already liked, so I went into it feeling a little pissy about it. But I do remember that big moment, yes. I think Close Encounters also came out that year and I stubbornly insisted that it was the better movie. (It was a good movie too but didn’t have the same longevity!)

    3. RLC*

      Oh my, yes! I was in a Science Fiction Literature class in high school and our wonderful teacher took the class to a matinee showing just after Star Wars came out. Like nothing we’d ever seen.
      The soundtrack was amazing; a friend’s dad was some sort of executive at one of the big record companies so friend got a pre-release copy of the soundtrack album and played it over the phone to me before we ever heard it on the radio.
      Fun memories!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Like nothing we’d ever seen.
        That captures it.

        And as special effects moved on, the sight became routine. Which it turns out is a thing in the history of technology, and why Arthur Conan Doyle was fooled by photographic proof of fairies, which to a modern viewer are very obvious cardboard cutouts stuck in a garden.

        Some years back our science museum did an exhibit on the special effects in Star Wars, and it included a version of the Millennium Falcon that was 20 feet across. I just love incredibly detailed miniatures, and the first Star Wars films were a treasure trove of that.

    4. Percy Weasley*

      I was 7 and two things stand out in my memory: 1) I remember waiting in line for tickets. My parents had never done that before! And maybe not since. 2) My favorite line at the time was from Princess Leia, expressing frustration with her rescuers “Get that walking carpet [Chewie] out of my way!”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Leia was unusually active as a rescue-ee.

        This has come to be something I really care about in films, that the kidnappees aren’t just toted around like whiny luggage by the main characters.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I was 16 and yes, I remember the opening very clearly because it was completely unlike anything I’d ever seen before.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I saw it when it came out. I remember everyone was talking about it — “Omg you have to see the spaceships!” So I went to see the spaceships. Loved it. Loved Empire Strikes back too. I was on my first trip to London when Return of the Jedi came out, and I saw it at the Odeon in Leicester Square so I didn’t miss it before I went back.

      My soundtrack radio station plays the score all the time. ALL the time. We fight over John Williams requests; you have to be pretty quick to nab a Star Wars track.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Empire was unique to me in showing a story that wasn’t “finished,” that is, it was clear that the characters had more challenges and everything wasn’t hunky-dory by the end. They were safe for the moment, but more was coming.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, and it had a full story in itself — I was listening to a screenwriting podcast where they were talking about how a middle bit should have an arc even if it’s not the beginning and not the end either. They talked about Empire and how Infinity War also had that quality. This really helped me when I was writing Book 2 of my trilogy. I think Confluence turned out a lot better than it would have if I hadn’t thought about it in that way.

          I also remember how it took foreeeeeeever for Return of the Jedi to come out and we were DYING to know what happened to Han Solo, lol.

    8. Brevity*

      Oh My Bog, yes. My parents rarely took me to the movies, so it was a huge treat already, and then! The opening music! I mean, everyone on the planet knows the first bars of that amazing brass line now, right; but back then, holy moly, what a piece! Then yes, the first little ship is flying away from you, and then somehow you’re UNDER this scary-ass white monstrosity that just! keeps! GOING!!

      I’m not sure that anyone under fifty really, truly, understands what a cinematographic game-changer it was. I dislike using the word “iconic”, since it’s so over-used, but John Williams’ score for the series really can be described that way also.

    9. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I was 4 and really don’t know what my parents were thinking taking me to see it in the theater! I was so scared, and remember mostly seeing my mom’s shoulder. For the rest of my childhood, Darth Vader was the monster under my bed. (Come to think of it, it might be the only movie I ever saw in the theater with my folks. They weren’t movie goers.)

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I was 5 and loved it! But we were theater goers, and I had already seen plenty of old SF and fantasy on TV, so that made a difference.

        My dad took my sister and me to see it every time it opened in a new theater. He loves the special effects and how it combined elements from old samurai films, Westerns, and space adventure serials.

    10. Rara Avis*

      In the middle of The Empire Strikes Back, my little brother leaned over and whispered, “My tooth came out!” In the middle of The Lego Movie, during a scene with the Millennium Falcon, my kiddo leaned over and whispered, “My tooth came out!”

      My husband has the memory of being taken to see Star Wars in an old dome theater and the ships going over.

    11. allathian*

      I was 5, so toi young for the first, and my parents weren’t moviegoers so I didn’t see ESB or ROTJ in theater, either. I first saw those on VHS in my early teens.

      I was 10 when ET came out, and that movie certainly made an impression on me, I had nightmares of ET’s stretchy neck for weeks, although the scene with the flying bike stayed with me for longer.

    12. Six Feldspar*

      My mum saw Star Wars in cinema after her final school exams, said people were literally gasping at the opening shot of the star destroyer going on and on. Definitely made an impression on her because she raised her kids to be Star Wars nerds, and every time I see/hear the 20th century fox intro playing I expect A New Hope to start playing…

    13. Hobbette*

      Formative book experience: “A Wrinkle in Time.” Soon after it was published, our 4th-grade teacher read us an excerpt and I was enthralled – not only was the story fascinating and meaningful, but a *girl* was the main character/hero! My mom bought me a copy and I lost track of how many times I re-read it. (Wish I’d kept that first edition…)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Rereading that as an adult, I was struck that Meg’s mom sympathetically concludes that Meg probably needs to plow through some more time, and then things will get easier. Sometimes, for a kid, the answer actually is to let them get down some more brain development.

        Also it starts with “It was a dark and stormy night” and I don’t know if it’s the origin of the phrase, or if using it was a dare. Like “Not only can I get a story published with that opening, it will become a literary icon.”

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Having asked the internet: “It was a dark and stormy night” dates from the early 1800s, including one of the Three Musketeers stories. A Wrinkle in Time was published in 1962, while Charles M Schultz had Snoopy type out “It was a dark and stormy night…” starting in 1965.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          It was originally the opening line of a novel, Paul Clifford, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton and has come to be synonymous with florid, purple prose and extravagant plotting.

          There’s a hilarious contest named after him where people enter the worst, most extravagant first line of a novel they can come up with, running since 1982. See link in reply: the entries are a riot!

      4. Bethlam*

        The author spoke at the local college years ago and was enthralling. She was also signing books, so I have a signed Wrinkle in Time.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        That was a book that didn’t resonate with me at all; I wish it had, but my only memory of it was wanting to punch Charles Wallace. He just irritated me so much!

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m not old enough to have seen the original release, but my husband was a teenage boy who was into sci-fi when the first Star Wars film came out, so he saw it something like 12 times. Ironically, as an adult, he doesn’t care much about Star Wars and is way more into Star Trek!

    15. CHRISTOPHER FRANKLIN*

      I dragged my sister across the SF bay to George Lucas’s favorite theatre where we saw the first show. Later, I stood with a friend outside that theatre (the Coronet) on a cold day, was invited in and watched the press screening of the Empire Strikes Back, and got to chat with a very pretty Carrie Fisher. Next, my brother helped a customer and was rewarded with a tour of ILM by their director of cinematography. My remarkable sister had a tour there also when she was offered a job at LucasArts. Finally, she went to her old workplace, the museum, SFMOMA, where we were given comp tickets to a tour of the Art of ILM.

    16. Buni*

      Too young to have seen the first but my Father took us to see ROTJ. Bizarrely what I remember most is the queue, out the theatre and around two sides of the square the building was on.

    17. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      The Matrix for me – I went in with no real knowledge (Keanu! Cool poster!), and my mind was thoroughly blown.

    18. CityMouse*

      I was twelve when I saw Fellowship of the Ring in theaters and it blew me away. My Dad loves the books and read them to me when I was younger but seeing it so beautifully filmed on the big screen was amazing.

    19. Kathenus*

      My main memories of seeing Star Wars in the theater when it was first released are that it was amazing, that we were with my paternal grandparents, and for some reason I have a strong memory of walking out of the theater to our car afterwards talking and trying to remember the names of C3PO and R2D2.

    20. Texan in Exile*

      I saw it when it opened, but I was living in the Panama Canal Zone, so I did not see any of the promotion that came along with it in the US. So to me, it was just – a movie. And one that didn’t really resonate with me.

      On the other hand, the book “A Wrinkle in Time” has stayed with me since I was 12. Indeed, it’s the only book I have owned since childhood. I didn’t get to accumulate books because they are heavy and the military imposes a weight limit on what it will move, but I have kept that one book. I need to re-read it. What I loved about it – and I don’t think I realized this was why at the time – was that the hero was a girl.

    21. Tradd*

      Oh, yes! Saw it at the theatre in first release, a couple of weeks after it was first released. It was awesome.

    22. Saturday*

      I saw it in a theater as a kid. It wasn’t showing at the small-screen theaters near me, so we had to drive to the big theater with the nice seats, so that was already fun.

      My older brother had already seen it and told me about that first scene… “There’s a huge spaceship that flies right over you, and then there’s an even huger ship.”
      The actual scene absolutely lived up to the hype for me.

      Also, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
      It was a space movie, but it wasn’t set in the future but in the long-ago past. That blew my young mind, and I’ve always really loved that detail.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And that it started in the middle! The scroll begins “Chapter IV” and you realize you’re being dropped into something ongoing.

    23. goddessoftransitory*

      I have a single distinct memory of sitting with my dad and sister and watching the scene where Leia and Luke swing across the gap while fleeing; the one where she kisses him and says “for luck.”

      I also remember going to see Labyrinth with my mom when I was about twelve in the theaters and just being blown away. David Bowie was never on my radar (too young) but I went into that theater a girl and emerged as a woman.

    24. Chaordic One*

      Yeah, I’m old and I saw it when it first came out. It was sort of a big deal. I was asked out on a bad date and we drove to the neighboring big town to see it, about 25 miles away. It was a big theater in a shopping mall, the theater was pretty full, and the audience was well-behaved. I remember that the theater had a good sound system and the way that the sound was loud and surrounded you (but there were other movies where that happened). I was particularly impressed with C3PO and R2D2 and thought they were cute. I wanted a toy R2D2. I liked the movie and thought it was good, but I wasn’t that impressed. I had no idea that it would evolve into the cultural touchstone that it became.

    25. Seashell*

      I remember seeing the first three Star Wars movies in the theater and enjoying them, but nothing that deep about it. I think I have more vivid memories of getting Star Wars glasses at Burger King.

      I also have stronger memories of seeing Grease in the movie theater, especially since my friends and I would dance around to the soundtrack and recreate the movie.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        OMG, Grease! My beleaguered Dad took me and my friend to see that too. Overall, I loved the film, but pre-teen me was very censorious about Sandy’s having to change for Danny. I felt that was not an appropriate moral. I’ve lightened up on it a bit (as someone whose outward affect is Sandra Dee Sandy but who has a “Hey, Stud” Sandy side to me as well).

    26. downsizing*

      I was 10 when I saw it. The line was around the block in our rural town. I saw it three times. The text unscrolling at the start, Obi Wan, “these are not the droids that you seek”, the trash bin, the final battle. It really opened up a whole different perspective. The idea that you can have talents that you do not understand, then there are people that can help you find your way. As I got older the messages stayed.

    27. noncommitally anonymous*

      I was 10 when Star Wars was released, and yes, that opening was seared into my brain.

    28. Geriatric Rocker*

      Oh yes! Skived off uni to see it with some classmates – it was amazing watching it go overhead and hearing a cinema full of people going, “Oooohhh…”.

      It’s echoed in a scene from Paul, the very funny movie by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

    29. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      My dad finally took me after the film had been out a while, and when we left the movie theater, it was snowing. As he put his hand on the gear shift, my dad said, “Let’s put this into hyperdrive,” and darned if the snow coming towards our car didn’t look just like those special effects of going into hyperdrive.

      I don’t think I was sitting in the theater thinking “Gee, what a leap forward in special effects,” but watching the film WAS a total dopamine rush. It was awesome.

    30. Tea & Sympathy*

      I was a teenager then and remember that opening and the feeling of awe very clearly.

      The other scene that sticks in my memory is the opening lips of Rocky Horror Picture Show. It had just opened in my college town, wasn’t well-known yet, and the newspaper review was pretty vague, mentioning audience participation and yelling things at the screen, but urged people to go see for themselves. It sounded fun, so we went. We began wondering while standing in line inside the theater- it was darker than usual, we had to wait in line and when the doors opened everyone rushed in, there was a higher excitement level than for a normal movie, and people had brought stuff. Then when the lips appeared, I thought “okay, this is going to be really different”. It was so much fun. I’m glad I got to experience RH way back when, and not knowing what to expect going in.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ahhhh Rocky Horror! I remember going to see it for the first time with a friend in college — it was a screening on campus where people were encouraged to show up with props and stuff. I wore a sweatshirt on which I had cut the top off like in Flashdance and walked out with a LOT of rice in my bra, haha.
        My Santa Cruz friend Kathy who passed away used to be in a RH cast. She was usually Magenta. :)

  11. Gronk*

    I hope this does not seem too political. Do you feel like your country/industry is now not far from an old fashioned feudal class system? The recent thread about out of touch bosses was depressing an eye opening to me -stories of people barely scraping by being exploited and dismissed by bosses/owners with enormous wealth brought to mind the class structure that is depicted in historical tv shows etc where the ruling class in England or France or wherever allowed one group to just believe themselves superior to another and for the working class to have very little recourse to get out of hand to mouth poverty.

    I thought we lived in a much more egalitarian situation these days and in my industry and country (medicine Australia) it feels like the people at the top and bottom are still on a more level field although of course poverty, race and gender can still be barriers. maybe I’ve been blind to how much money and power those in charge have and how hard it is to go from bottom to top?

    So, is money essentially the marker of the class system where you are? or do you feel the “little guy” has power – not just by voting but the power to change his/her/their position in life without exceptional levels of luck/talent

    1. Meow*

      Australia, in medicine, lol no.

      The further along the more I realised how much I’m hated because I’m from a low socioeconomic background, and I’m now “invading elite space” despite of passing the same exams. I know my Aboriginal colleagues are treated so much worse as they were pinged as threats to the status quo earlier.

      In fact, my example of out of touch CEO is an Australian public health organisation.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Yeah, Australia’s medical system is not as bad as it could be but definitely has room for improvement, to put it mildly…

        1. Meow*

          Plus the culture within medicine is incredibly elitist, exclusionary, and suffocating. If you are not from a minimal middle class rich background, expect to be treated horrendously.

          1. Magdalena*

            I am a female physician in Poland and thankfully that’s still not the case over here.
            We used to be severely underpaid until just a few years ago and we’re still nowhere near rich.

            1. Meow*

              What’s interesting in Australia to me, is while sexism within medicine is the most talked about discrimination, and yes it’s real; the reality is at least people are willing to talk about it and it’s generally agreed to be a thing needing change. But if you are born in non-westernised country, or are First People/Aboriginal/Torres Strait Islander, or visibly brown, or not from a wealthy middle class background with social capital? The entire field don’t even hide their hatred toward you.

              Being outwards femme, brown, and grew up poor, I’d say 90% of the targeted harassments from coworkers are socioeconomic motivated where 9% were racially motivated. Being femme is almost a non-issue in comparison, despite the rich white women claim that this is the only issue needing attention (and their solution is get rid of brown women).

              1. Bird names*

                I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that and I imagine it must be extra frustrating after putting in all the time required to even be able to start working in the medical field.
                Your last sentence is especially galling, considering how much more easily we could work to improve the overall situation, if we simply included everyone affected instead of this highschool clique/punish the outgroup nonsense.

            2. allathian*

              I’m in Finland, and here the majority of medical students have been women for the past 30 years at least, meaning that the majority of physicians are also women. It’s not a huge majority, something like 55 percent, and the majority of physicians who manage other physicians are still men, but…

    2. tabloidtainted*

      Capitalism rules the planet. We are no closer to escaping wealth-based social structures than our ancestors were—in fact, the disparity is worse than ever.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep. The only thing humans seem to have increased is the amount of wealth that CAN be obtained by fewer and fewer people.

    3. Jill Swinburne*

      Since our Prime Minister is on record as saying “I’m wealthy and I’m sorted” and is a prime example of the incompetence of one who has failed upward, I’m going with yes to your initial question.

    4. Greyhound*

      Also in Australia My son has had a mental health crisis – he’s coping better now but is not well enough to work, is on the verge of homelessness, has no money to fix his car, can’t afford rental and has struggled to find support services that are effective. Lots of well meaning people but they are overwhelmed and underfunded and can offer little actual practical help. He desperately needs money, both to get out of his current hole and to access effective support and treatment. I’d help him if I could but I also have no money. He’s an intelligent young man, a hard worker with so much potential and so much to offer but without a big stroke of luck I really fear for him. I’m also in Australia – if you are at the bottom it’s very hard to recover.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      What’s struck me listening to people complain last year is that there is a longing to be treated as the landed gentry. To be the person who can march into a service establishment and shout “Do you know who I am?!” and have that actually generate servile customer service, rather than laughter.

      I remember the 80s, and customer service was about what it is now. It was not some paradise of the clerks knowing their place and assuring you that you were always right–actual experience of the time generated humor pieces about how annoyed the clerks seemed that someone had let customers into the store.

      I think it was here that I learned the original phrase is “In matters of taste, the customer is always right.” Which is very different from marching into a retail establishment and expecting to be told you are right, because you have heard that the customer is always right.

        1. Busy Middle Manager*

          I have the opposite POV. I feel like the quality of customer service at so many places has been on a consistent downtrend for a long time (ex. airlines), and large companies outsourced and hide customer service behind menus that don’t work or don’t have options for any of the issues you’d actually call in about. So by the time one finds a worker who seems half-way capable of helping them, the customer is usually flustered and annoyed.

          I’ve never seen a customer wanting to be groveled to. But I’ve definitely felt like I was an annoyance by going to a few places no one’s probably heard of, but also a Starbucks or two, and Chipotle, and McDonalds. Add on way higher prices and now tipping requests, these places are going to eventually wish they treated customers with a tad more respect. And I don’t mean fake pleasantries. Just simple things like not trying to skimp on every ingredient in a bowl, or, if a Starbucks is physically empty but the barista has a bunch of mobile orders I as a customer don’t see, don’t make me stand there awkwardly while they do all of those first, without saying anything

          1. OaDC*

            Yeah, I think people generally just want to get what they came into the place for and get out, which rarely happens for various reasons. Is it expecting to be groveled to to think that a barista should pause their texting after 10 seconds or so to take your order? I don’t think so.

            Sales staff is certainly often set up to fail by the corporate overlords (why did Walgreens think it was a good idea to take FedEx return at the checkout lanes? I mean, I know why, but it is a terrible idea). And having to go through several rounds of voice activated phone tree levels does not get the eventual conversation with a live person off to a good start. But that doesn’t mean people expect servile service, just actual service.

          2. Bird names*

            To provide quality, you need proper staffing, enough time for training and well-compensated workers. I’m not sure there’s any large retail or similar companies that provides even one of these nowadays.
            The amount of roles a single worker is supposed to take on and how much work is exptected of them is of course also completely unrealistic. Unless any of that changes, the experience will remain the same on the customer end.

          3. Qwerty*

            I’m with you – I think people just want to feel like they matter. Some companies are realizing that customers are even willing to pay more for quality customer service.

            There are occasions where people want some extra attention like at a nice restaurant or how an usher guides you to your seat at your theatre, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It adds to the magic and is why people splurge for nice things.

            So much of how things are run nowadays has people feeling herded like cattle. Combine this with how the internet increases negative emotions and how much we’re inundated with influencers, TV personalities, bloggers posing as journalists, all telling you that you are doing things wrong or flaunting their wealth/easy life – I’m not surprised at how high strung everyone is.

        2. Meow*

          Because I’m from poverty and now kinda “normal”, I found the occasional grovelling terrifying. I can’t put my words to it, except I feel innate terror whenever I’m encountered with it.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Wouldn’t it be nice if we all could live “Upstairs” and not “Downstairs?” If we could all be part of the Crawley family on Downton Abbey and not have to be a servant?

        1. RC*

          One of the (many) things I liked about the world-building in Becky Chambers’ “Record of a Spaceborn Few” was how she made it a plot point that EVERYONE in their world had their turn doing the “downstairs” tasks, even the captain of the spaceship (for context, humans destroyed the earth because of course we did, so the remaining humans got on this Exodous Fleet and basically live on space stations that need to be 100% self-contained and renewable because it’s a floating space station; when other species decided humans were sentient enough to live among them, some humans went to live on other planets and then some humans would return to the Exodous fleet but without really the perspective that comes from that way of life, so the new guy is basically complaining about how they put him on garbage duty because they clearly think so low of him and aren’t using his talents and another character is like “nonono, you don’t understand, we ALL take our turns doing this for the good of everyone and because of that nobody here looks down on it like you are, and now you have like 10 years of catch-up to play, so do your job if you really want to be here.”)

          Anyway yes income inequality is demonstrably extreme right now, and somehow we have Nazis again and too many people are apparently just fine with that. So clearly I appreciate non-apocalyptic future world-building that envisions some way we might not just be more of this same again.

    6. Sloanicota*

      (Moved around all over the first part of my life) – Unpopular opinion, but when I hear people from other Western nations talking about race and class, they tend to sound like what I heard from comfortable people in the US around 1990 – oh, we’re post-racism, we’re post-classicism, that was a nasty time in history but it’s over now (People of color did NOT say this in the 90s). I remember believing we were sort of post-history TBH. And I’ve had friends from Europe tell me racism is an American problem, lol. Then when I visited Australia, I could not BELIEVE how openly white Australians would tell me, a traveler they had just met, the most terrible and deeply racist things about native peoples. Way worse than anything I’ve ever heard publicly in the US, at least in the North. So I think we’ve all got a lot more work to do, and if we don’t do it, I foresee some more “history” coming our way.

      1. Same here*

        Same!!! I spent a few months traveling through Australia pre-pandemic, and it was shocking how often, and how freely, people talked to me (a stranger) about the “Indigenous problem” (their words) — then get hostile when I took issue with what they were saying. I’m an American, and it reminded me of what I’d hear from my blatantly racist northern relatives in the ‘70s. Again, these were just accommodation hosts, train seat neighbors, fellow coffee shop customers making unprompted small talk. I believe Bill Bryson mentions this, too, in his book about his Australia travels. It was shocking … as if people were just talking about the weather.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember that part! Some guy he’s literally just met saying every Aborigine “wants hanging” and shaking with rage.

          It’s not some distant issue or intellectual problem, not anywhere. It’s a clear and present danger.

      2. Meow*

        Thank you for this post. As I’ve said this for years and I’ve been told I’m just a liar, and my experience is false as they don’t match up to white expectations.

    7. Irish Teacher.*

      Hmm, this is a fascinating one and one where Ireland is…interesting.

      I think here it depends on who you mean by the “little guy.” I have a theory that revolutions tend to benefit the lower middle, maybe upper working class, the most. The upper middle classes and above tend to do fine under any system and the lower working class/underclassed just…get shafted regardless.

      As one of my lecturers put it, there was a whole class revolution that took place with the Irish independence movement. She mentioned visiting the home Churchill was born in and thinking of the tiny cottage de Valera grew up in and how these men were negotating pretty much as equals in the 30s.

      But while there definitely was a change in how the middle and lower middle classes were seen and to an extent that remains true today – our current taoiseach (prime minister) is the son of a bus driver and this is relatively normal; many of our political leaders have come from fairly “average” backgrounds – and “free at the point of entry” college means that I had no problem going to college despite growing up on social welfare and it would have been odd and would have been something my teachers would have expressed shock and concern about had I not gone, it didn’t benefit the Travelling community, who still have a life expectancy on a par with much poorer countries and rarely even finish school, let alone enter college and those who grew up in homelessness/foster care, etc would need a fair bit of luck or talent to change their position.

      I think the thing is that a lot of the barriers in Ireland today are…less obvious, so they are easy to ignore. College is…mostly free to those from families earning less than a certain amount (about 50% of the population or a little more) and there are grants to defer costs. Entry to college is entirely anonymous so there is no way for the children of the taoiseach to get an advantage in the sense of “oh, of course, we’ve got to take his kids”. The applications office wouldn’t even know who they were when making the decision – it’s all done under code numbers. Outside the cities, everybody attends the same schools and anyway, all teachers, even most of those in private schools are hired by the government, have the same qualifications, etc, so you’re not getting better qualified teachers or anything by going to a private school nor are you getting a different curriculum.

      But the world isn’t that simple and there are a whole lot of hidden barriers. The most obvious one is that the grants are nowhere near enough to live on – the highest amount available is €7,586 a year. That still requires people to either have some family support or to have a part-time job. If you are out of foster care or fleeing an abusive family and can’t get a job that can work around your study….

      And then there are things like how much more difficult it is to study if you are living in a caravan on a halting site than if you have your own bedroom in a large house or the difficulty of keeping up with your education if you are in and out of foster care or homelessness.

      1. LBD*

        You make so many valid points! Something as basic as safe rent free housing for youth (a loving family home in a reasonably well maintained building being one of the most usual kinds) makes for an easier launch into adulthood.
        I always appreciate your thoughtful comments, Irish Teacher!

    8. Part time lab tech*

      As an Australian, when I studied 20+ years ago, I managed to save a little of my income between my parents giving me the equivalent of my rent, rent assistance, study allowance, a couple of very casual jobs and living fairly frugally (no car or going out much). My family of origin culturally and financially seems to straddle the working/middle class band.
      If my family was not able to support me with rent and a little food, I probably still would have finished but there would have been a lot more stress and struggle.
      Today, without support, I’m not sure I would have been able to complete my studies without being homeless or going hungry sometimes. At the very least I would have had to work a lot more hours alongside study.
      There is a level of stress that takes up a lot of bandwidth when there is housing or food insecurity, similar to stress of chronic illness, that someone who has always had enough or always been healthy really struggles to understand.
      This greatly decreases social mobility from poverty to lower middle and to a lesser degree from lower to higher socioeconomic class.
      People who have the kind of wealth in which they really don’t really have to consider the price of necessities like food, utilities and housing, often really believe that they received very little help from their families. The help they take for granted, that they don’t even see, is the support that reduces social mobility.
      In Australia, welfare used to fill part of that gap and fills a lot less now. People who live week to week don’t have time for advocacy so the rich get tax breaks that make little difference to their lifestyle really and the poor get their benefits eroded.

      1. Part time lab tech*

        As a test, if you were to get $15 000 tomorrow, what material difference would it make to your family life? For me, it would go for nice to haves, a holiday, household computer, being able to pay a deposit earlier to get our built in wardrobe or landscaping started.
        For some of my colleagues, it would mean being able to get a reliable second hand car to replace the rust bucket they’re nursing along, a rental bond, medical treatment they’ve been putting off, pay back loans or utility bills, better quality food or school uniforms.
        For reference, the Australian median full time income is $83 000/year, $40/hr.

        1. Bird names*

          Oof, your math test and the reference income are certainly an interesting point of comparison. Would have to check how that translates for where I am, but suspect the disparity would be similar.

        2. anectoad*

          Well, my husband desperately needs hearing aids, we have tried to apply for help in getting them through a “workforce” program where we live because I have a co-worker who did the same successfully, but if that doesn’t work, it will be extremely difficult to afford them. So that would be my first thought.

      2. Meow*

        A huge issue, is compared to 40 years ago, the cost of “luxury” came down but the cost of basics went up.

        Say, boomers love to talk about wasteful young people for having a fancy phone or flatscreen TV, both of which can be quite affordable these days. But rent, food, and electricity went way up, something that anyone who bought a house 20 years ago wouldn’t comprehend unless they really paid attention.

        20 years ago when I was a student, renting a room was $70/week. Now $250/week is minimum, and the incomes didn’t go up more than 3x compared to back then.

        1. small town*

          This is a great point! When we bought our first home computer it was $2200. Now we have 20x the computing power at less than half the cost. We pay $800 a month plus utilities for one room in a 3 bedroom apartment for younger son. Older son was $1850 for a 700 square foot place for a Masters program. Our first house (2 bed, 2 bath) mortgage was $650 a month.
          I was able to pay my way through college with summers and a couple of part time jobs during school. Both of my children worked but it will be right at $250,000 for two undergraduate degrees at state schools. If I did not understand generational wealth before, I do now.

        2. Part time lab tech*

          It came about because I tactlessly said something dismissive about $10k to a colleague for whom it would matter. I increased it to $15k to cover the price of a reliable enough 2nd hand car. There have been times in my life where a few thousand would matter but not at the moment, as long as myself or my husband remain employed.

        3. Part time lab tech*

          I think I paid $80ish for a room in student accommodation in 2000 and that would be $267/week now. Min wage $10.53/hr in 2000 and $24.10 now.
          Wow. Housing tripled and minimum wages only doubled in 25 years.
          To answer the OP, yes equality has gone backwards because poverty has gotten harder in Australia. In the same way that GPs bulk billing reimbursement hasn’t kept pace with inflation, neither has any of Centrelink’s welfare. As Meow said, basic necessities haven’t gone down in price.

          1. Meow*

            As a millennial, I feel like this is a specific part that I need to be cautious of as I’m rapidly losing point of reference. The thing is, during 2005 living on $150/week was not easy, it required cautious planning and forgo necessities like dental care. It’s so easy to think that young people these days on Centrelink with a numeric value so much higher now “should be better at planning”, if I don’t pay attention to the current cost of living.

            In fact, I’m frequently amazed by how expensive the two giant supermakets are, because I’m living in a primarily immigrants region where all my groceries are from Asian greengrocers. I need to remind myself that not everyone have walkable access to $3/kg tomatoes.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        There is a level of stress that takes up a lot of bandwidth when there is housing or food insecurity.
        This is really true, and something that I thought The Scholomance really captured.

  12. Bibliovore*

    Thank you everyone for the big birthday plan suggestions.
    I gave away a lot of money. That seemed like a good choice.
    I bought dinners and lunches and spent time with people that I love.
    A wallowed for a whole day and binged watched season two of Severence.
    I bought one of those Wool and Co. merino dresses that I have been looking at for years and never pushed the button.

    I decided to spend a week at a fancy spa- I would welcome suggestions. I am going to invite a dear friend (who wouldn’t be able to afford it, ) I like nature, I can walk but not far so no adventuresome hikes. I LOVE hot mineral pools, massages, some zen whoo whoo stuff like chi gong. Good food.
    Any suggestions? Any disappointments? Doesn’t have to be some where warm but there must be a pool.
    Best spa experience of my life was in Desert Hot Springs but Mr. Bibliovore and I used to go there so I am not sure I can be there now.

    1. Saddesklunch*

      I’m so glad you had a good birthday! For spas, you might consider either Ojo Caliente (the one located in Ojo Caliente, NM) or Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe, NM. They both have accommodations that are right next to the hot springs that are supposed to be lovely.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Seconding Ten Thousand Waves, especially if you like Japanese food – the attached restaurant is excellent.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Ten Thousand Waves is AMAZING. We joked that it should be called Ten Thousand Steps, though, so if stairs are an issue it might not work.

      3. sagewhiz*

        What a wonderful birthday, Biblio!

        My spa rec: Safety Harbor Spa, on 22 acres in Safety Harbor, Fla. Altho certainly updated, you can still feel the spirits of characters like Maugham walking the halls

        1. Zephy*

          Safety Harbor was hit pretty hard by Helene and Milton last year, so do call them first if you decide to come to FL for your spa week (sidenote that sounds like an awesome birthday plan, taking notes for myself, LMAO).

    2. Just a name*

      I still think about the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. We toured Iceland, then ended the trip at the Blue Lagoon (not too far from the airport). We had spent the day hiking around the local volcano ( still erupts regularly) then spent the last night at the spa. They have several levels of hotels, some with private hot springs. We took the shuttle to the larger lagoon for dinner but had a more private pool. They have spa services. Excursions to other parts of Iceland. Not a bad flight from the DC area. I still want to go back for the soak and the northern lights. We missed those last time.

      1. Tradd*

        I think the Blue Lagoon has been affected or shut down, at least temporarily, due to the volcano eruption.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      No spa suggestions, but it’s good to hear that you had a good birthday. Best wishes for your spa trip.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      Hope you had a good birthday! I love getting massages in spas so personally I’d be trying to cram as many into a week as I can!

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I haven’t spent time at spas so I have no suggestions, but it’s so great to hear you had a good birthday and that you’re treating a friend to come with you on your trip!

    10. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Happy Birthday! I remembered your post, it’s lovely hearing your update.

      If you also like wine and good food, there’s Calistoga hot springs (spa) near Napa Valley (wine & food).

      I do not recommend Blue Lagoon in Iceland. Blue Lagoon was very crowded and touristy. In general, I found Iceland to be very touristy, crowded and overpriced.

    11. velveteen rabbit*

      I’m not sure what your budget is, but we were insanely lucky to be gifted a stay at Castle Hot Springs by my in-laws for our honeymoon. It was, without a doubt, the single most luxurious and relaxing thing I’ve ever experienced and if you feel like going for extreme luxury I recommend it without reservation.

      As for the zen woo stuff, I’m not nearly as into that as my partner is but their offerings were pretty darn extensive and I can’t lie, I really enjoyed the qui-gong and the hot springs were freaking incredible.

  13. goddessoftransitory*

    Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Does anyone have any traditions and such for the day?

    We’re doing Valentine’s (observed) on Tuesday, our day off, to accommodate our yearly brunch of Monte Christos, smoothies, and Bad Romance movie. This year it’s Near Dark, last year was Candyman.

    What fun stuff do you do?

    2. Rara Avis*

      Not a tradition, but we dropped the kid off at school to prepare to cheer for a basketball game, went to dinner together (shared matcha ice cream for dessert, which is a treat introduced to me by my husband when we were first dating), and then went back and watched the game.

    3. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      DH and I had a spaghetti dinner at home, exchanged gifts, then watched Somewhere in Time. We love that movie, and the soundtrack; it’s a shame it was so scorned when it was new. Roger Ebert’s review was scathing; I wonder if he ever revised his opinion? To us, it is a pure love story. Notice there’s no B plot? A guy is determined to go back in time, but not to stop the Great War or save the Titanic, or insure his own birth. He just wants to meet this woman. And it’s especially poignant, since I watched that Christopher Reeve documentary just a few weeks ago.

      Ahem. Well, we don’t always watch that. Sometimes it’s Excalibur, or Titanic if it’s on basic cable, and once it was My Best Friend’s Wedding. (Needless to say, that’s another of my favorites!) *And*, tomorrow, we’re going to see the Led Zeppelin movie!! I’m thinking of that excursion as an extension of Valentine’s Day.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      A couple of good brunch places opened near us, and we discovered going out for a nice breakfast–normally reserved for vacations–is really fun, and happens first thing when I still have plenty of energy. So we went out Friday morning for gingerbread doughnuts, followed by a benedict and savory French toast. This is also the one local place that makes “correct” chai lattes, that are not goopy sweet.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Can confirm going for a nice breakfast is an excellent special occasion tradition. I do this for my birthday and it always feels like such a treat!

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      This was only my third Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend (and the first was literally ten days after our first date so we didn’t do anything other than text each other happy Valentine’s), so we haven’t really established any traditions as such yet. We do get each other cards with a handwritten message, and this year I bought him his favourite snacks and cooked dinner – my version of his favourite burger and favourite dessert – and then he took me for afternoon tea at a really nice place I’ve wanted to visit for ages the day after.

      In terms of a personal tradition though, there’s a cinema in central London that shows Richard Linklater’s Before trilogy (Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight) around Valentine’s Day, and I always go to that.

  14. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading, and give or request recs.

    I just read a book by Mary Stewart; Nine Coaches Waiting. She’s amazing with suspense/thriller romances; I can’t read too many of her books in one sitting, but when I read them I always enjoy them.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Listening to “Nettle and Bone” on audiobook book and enjoying it, I probably got the rec here originally since it comes up quite often!

      Also reading “Girl with the Louding Voice” for book club and it’s just as bleak and not-for-me as expected. I have generally been enjoying our club picks less than the other members so it’ll be interesting to see what they think.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I really liked Nettle and Bone – not as much as some of Kingfisher’s fairy-tale reimaginings (so far Bryony and Roses is my favorite), but I did like it. And adored Bonedog, the bestest dog-made-of-bones-and-magic ever!

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          I’ve got some Kingfisher on my TBR list after seeing her listed here and also in a list of recommendations for fantasy with FMCs over 30. My expectations are already that I’ll greatly enjoy her books but now that I know there’s a magical dog involved I might move the books up my list…

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Borrowing the T. Kingfisher comment for my reply– I’m re-listening to the audiobook of Paladin’s Grace. Just the right level of whimsy and creepy mystery to mix with the oh so slowly developing romance.

        I love the domesticated civet.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Been catching up on my TBR list. I finished John Grisham’s The Whistler and started The Judge’s List. They were swiped from Mom’s already-read pile before I moved –she loves to go to Target and buy books, which she reads and then donates. I’ll probably do the same, take them to the library and give them to the book sale. I need to make some room in here so I can get caught up on Preston and Child. I’m embarrassingly behind on my beloved Agent Pendergast, and those I will keep. I tried to donate them when I moved and I just could not bring myself to do it.

      I like the character of Lacy Stoltz in these Grishams, but the writing seems a bit dry. I’m not sure if I just haven’t read him in a long time and didn’t recall that, or if he’s just been phoning it in.

      1. WellRed*

        I love Grisham but suspect he’s churning out a few too many books, these days. I started Boys from Biloxi and put it down after more than a hundred pages of … historical exposition of the characters and the community.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I liked Boys From Biloxi, but I think part of that is because I lived there during that time (moved right before Camille) and my mother worked as a secretary then and told me she knew some of the members of the Dixie Mafia.
          I was a child so wasn’t aware of the political issues but it all seemed familiar when I read the book.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Have you read his nonfiction books about justice for prisoners? I mentioned those in last week’s AAM.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Just starting Jeanette Winterson’s Frankissstein–right at the beginning, but she always hooks me in on the first pages.

      I love Mary Stewart’s books! Nine Coaches Waiting, This Rough Magic and The Moonspinners are my favorites, but I haven’t met one I didn’t like.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I loved Mary Stewart when I was a young teenager. I might try reading some of her books again.
        My mother and I read hers, Charlotte Armstrong, Victoria Holt, and Phyllis Whitney.
        And of course the Queen of Crime, Agatha Christie. But Dame Agatha wasn’t a Gothic writer like the others.

      3. Jackalope*

        Have you read her Arthur/Merlin series? I’ve been torn on those for years; I really enjoy Mary Stewart, but I tend to find Ling Arthur retelling really boring, so I haven’t read them yet. If you did, what were your thoughts?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I did! I enjoyed them but find the best way is to not constantly do mental comparisons to “The Story” and see them as their own thing–Merlin, after all, was just living his life and not thinking that he was A Big Figure In History and Literature.

          My set has notes from Stewart in the back and they’re wonderfully tart in that very British way–when she wrote about Mordred guarding Guinevere she worked hard on a way to make that work and not make Arthur seem “completely witless.”

        2. Anne-girl*

          Her Merlin series was my introduction to Mary Stewart, and I really like them, and return to them. I have found them to be very different than other Arthurian legend retellings. They are from Merlin’s perspective, starting from his childhood and mostly when he is a young man. While he does have power, it is mostly of sight, and even that is not fully at his own will. He’s very different than the zany wizard of The Sword and the Stone. The books are very atmospheric, and make the settings come alive. I visited Cornwall last summer and went to Tintagel, and it has made me want to revisit the books again!

      4. Dancing Otter*

        I remember a movie of “The Moonspinners” with Hayley Mills. I’m not sure when it was made, since it was already on TV, but long enough ago for her to pass as a teenager. Maybe the late 1950s or early 60s?
        When I read the book, the only common elements seemed to be the general location and some of the character names.
        Not to say either one was bad, but they were *very* different.

        1. allathian*

          The Moonspinners was released in 1964, so Hayley Mills was 17 or 18 when it was shot. It’s also the last movie Pola Negri, famous for her silent movies, ever appeared in. (And I recognize her name from a Finnish crime novel series set in the 1920s!)

          IMDB is your friend for these if you remember the name of the movie or the actor.

    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      Sangu Mandanna, “The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches.” I just started it and it’s delightful. Young witchlings in a country house need a tutor. It’s supposed to be a romance, too.

    5. Double A*

      For the first time ever, I pre-ordered a book and picked it up on its release day! It’s “Emily Wilde’s Compendium of Lost Tales,” the third book in the Emily Wilde series. I loved the first two. Starting this one, I realized I don’t remember much of them as I’m not really remembering specific about things she references from the first two books. But it’s just as charming and a great escape right now.

    6. Rara Avis*

      Ithaca by Claire North. About Penelope’s experience waiting for Odysseus. Well-written but grim.

    7. Evvy*

      Finished my reread of Tehanu (Ursula K. Le Guin) and started The Tombs of Atuan yesterday (I’m going out of order… I couldn’t resist starting at book 3 since it’s my favorite)

        1. Evvy*

          It’s sooooo good!!! I’ve read the first four a lot but the last two (Tales and The Other Wind) only once so far. Reading them out of order is making me realize how skillfully she intertwined all the plots—and without having planned the number of books at the beginning!! I love that they have such a strong thread running through them while at the same time being such distinct stories each on their own—I feel like I haven’t seen a lot of series that do that, how did she make them feel separate and inextricable at the same time?? Argh. She’s a genius…

      3. allx*

        I am reading Ursula Le Guin this week too! Pulled an old book from the shelf that includes several stories and started with The Word for World is Forest, which is one of the most perfect titles ever. Also in the volume and next up are The Dispossesed and The Left Hand of Darkness, and a couple others.

        I also continue to read the Penguin Modern Classics mini-books. Even though they are so small (about 50 pages), they take a surprising amount of time to absorb. This week was Truman Capote’s interview of Marlon Brando, excerpts of Italo Calvino’s The Complete Cosmicomics, and just started The Legend of the Sleepers by Yugoslavian/Serbian author Danilo Kis. I was surprised at the Capote interview. Such an interesting snapshot of an iconic actor I know next to nothing about (other than in Streetcar and Waterfront). It’s hard to imagine such an intimate and rather unflattering account being published about any celebrity today. Loved the Calvino, and Kis is so melodic and beautiful in the first few pages that I have high hopes.

        I really like these minis as a sample of works. Several authors have moved to my TBR list for their longer works (e.g., Pessao, Kis, Calvino, Nabakov). Not all the authors/selections are for me though. Have not enjoyed (most recently) Gertrude Stein (Food), Ginsberg (Television was a Baby), Steinbeck (Vigilante), and even Stanislaw Lem, whose writing I usually love (The Three Electroknights).

        1. word nerd*

          I read The Dispossessed last year and loved it so much–huge LeGuin fan.

          I highly recommend Italo Calvino’s If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler–clever and funny and one that I still think about from time to time (e.g., there’s something very modern about the idea of a computer that generates a book’s list of words it uses and that someone can claim to have “read” a book by looking at this word list). Clearly Calvino had a ton of fun with this book!

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Cosmicomics! Oh, Calvino is a trip! If you liked it, you may get a huge kick out of If On a Winter’s Night a Traveler. Magical realism and fourth-wall breaking. It’s wildly inventive. He was a very unique writer with a wonderful imagination. Oh, and The Baron in the Trees….).

          I’m with you on Gertrude Stein and Ginsberg – their work is A Bit Much. I find Stein exhausting. I bet her dinner parties were hard work for the guests. Poor dear Alice Toklas!

          2. allx*

            Exhausting is exactly the word for my reading experience of that tiny Gertrude Stein sample! Thanks wordnerd and Nervous Nellie for the pointer to If On a Winter’s Night a Traveller. I actually bought that book a year or two back, based on recommendations here, but mostly for its excellent title. I carried it around for a while and tried here and there, but it didn’t stick. I eventually passed it on to an acquaintance and now I’m wishing I had not. I will find another copy and give it another go.

    8. Greyhound*

      I’ve been listening to A Court of Thorns and Roses. Was looking for a bit of light fantasy and people seem to love it, but I’m struggling. The world building is ok but the writing is so bad, or at least I think so. I’ll keep going, maybe it will grow on me.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Oh I just couldn’t stand the main character, Feyre, and put the book down many a times in exasperation. I didn’t mind the writing but it had also been one of my first books in years at that point so anything not really obviously badly written was fine with me xD Also, I persevered through the first book and found the following ones generally better, mostly because other, more interesting characters come along. It won’t ever be my favourite book series but all in all I found it enjoyable enough.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Court of Thorns and Roses – I really, really disliked that one. I can deal with considerable angst if the setting and characters work for me, but in that one… no. Just no. I found pretty much everyone annoying if not outright frightening, and while the main character (who, I confess, I disliked for her name before I had a chance to dislike her for anything else!) did find herself in a pretty awful situation with no good options, I didn’t find the writing of her character very convincing. I do wonder if I’d have liked it better if I’d read it when I was a teen; it has a lot of those overly-dramatic fantasy-relationship scenes that are horrifying as real-life examples but can be quite tempting to a hormone-ridden teen who, hopefully, isn’t ever going to run into warring fae shapeshifters.

        I did rather like the character Lucien, but that wasn’t enough to draw me into the series.

        1. Jackalope*

          Spoilers about ACOTAR:

          I’ve read book 1, but heard enough about the future books to be put off on them. It’s just so anger-inducing that she meets and falls in love with one character, and then in book 2 and on she’s riding off into the sunset with another character who was so obviously abusive to her in the first book. The second relationship is allegedly so wonderful and awesome, but… he deliberately abused her in front of a lot of people just to annoy her boyfriend, in a way that’s portrayed as sexy but when you think about it is just… horrifying.

      3. velveteen rabbit*

        I got three chapters into the audiobook and had to return it extremely early to the library. The main character was just incredibly unlikeable and the writing was so, so, so bad. I truly do not get the popularity at all.

    9. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Currently reading Patrick Rothfuss’ debut novel “The Name of the Wind” and greatly enjoying it.
      I had heard of Rothfuss and ravings about him for years but tend to be put off by such ravings. Now I picked it up in a book store all myself and am very happy to have done so. I find it to be very well written and the world building is very rich – which might be overwhelming for others but I enjoy it immensely.

      1. CityMouse*

        The second book is a wee bit of a mess and he hasn’t finished the series despite a lot of time. So it might be best to read it as a standalone.

        1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

          Oh yeah, I have heard about people still waiting for the third book! At least Rothfuss is still relatively young, so the chances of him actually finishing the book seem at least higher than with George R. R. Martin. It might just take him twenty years from now…

          I _was_ planning on reading The Lightning Tree after finishing The Name of the Wind. It’s a novella about Bast, which I already had in hand at the very same bookstore but which on the first page tells you to go read at least TNofW first because otherwise you’d have no idea what was going on and wouldn’t enjoy it much. We’ll see how I like that one then :)

        2. velveteen rabbit*

          Yeah, I wanted to read that series but I was so badly burned by Melanie Rawn and the Capital’s Tower *lo* these many years ago that I just don’t start epic fantasy until the series is complete.

    10. The Prettiest Curse*

      I read the collected stories of Leonora Carrington recently and have updated my life goals to include riding a giant wheel across the countryside, accompanied by an entourage of 100 cats.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        The Hearing Trumpet is excellent as well! Pair with Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Togarczuk for more about strange and powerful old ladies.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          I have no idea who this author is or what these books are, but I’m in based on that title and your description alone.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I loved Mary Stewart back in the day – I think I read all of her books in the late 1960s. Nine Coaches Waiting was among my favorites; also Airs Above the Ground.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Ah, another Airs Above the Ground mention! That has been a treasure of mine for deacdes too. It warms my heart that there are Mary Stewart fans in this forum. Cheers!

      2. Ali*

        All the Mary Stewart talk today is inspiring me to add her to my reading list! Never encountered her before.

    12. GoryDetails*

      In progress:

      The Flight of the Eagle by Per Olof Sundman, a fictionalized look at the real-world Andrée expedition of 1897, in which three men attempted to reach the North Pole via hydrogen balloon. (Spoiler: they didn’t make it.) They disappeared for 30 years before their camp on a remote island was found – and some of the photographs found in their cameras were successfully developed, revealing images of what happened after the balloon came to grief. The author bases the story on the documents of the expedition, including the diaries found with the bodies of the three man – but has chosen to use engineer Knut Frænkel as the viewpoint character, as he left less in the way of documentation than the other two.

      How Long ‘Til Black Future Month? by N. K. Jemisin, a collection of her short stories – including one which became a prologue/inspiration for her marvelous novel The City We Became.

      And, on audiobook:

      The Black Hunger by Nicholas Pullen, narrated by Peter Kenny. This one’s described as “queer gothic horror,” and opens in 1921 with protagonist John Sackville starting his memoirs – apparently under duress by persons as yet unknown, as he’s dying of a hinted-at-horrific ailment and is grieving the death of his lover Garrett. He’s determined to tell the tale his own way, so we get a kind of dark-side “David Copperfield” account, at least in the beginning – his family, his upperclass schooling, his dawning interest in Eastern mysticism… We already know something’s going to go horribly wrong, but so far it’s more of an entertaining “Edwardian youth’s adventures” kind of thing.

      1. RC*

        I really liked the stories in “How Long til Black Future Month”! I think I’m just a short-story person at heart, I should seek out more of them (is what I thought at the time)

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Yes I loved those stories! Although I actually feel the City We Became was better as a short story than when fleshed out in the novels (I did enjoy them but they felt just a little more…predictable, maybe?)

      2. I take tea*

        If the Andree expedition interests you, I can warmly recommend “The expedition: a love story. Solving the mystery of a Polar tragedy” by Bea Uusma. She goes through all the literature and the theories about the expedition and also does a solid work of research. I couldn’t put it down.

        1. GoryDetails*

          I did enjoy Uusma’s book – the mix of her personal responses to the archives and the actual locations, and her descriptions of the events themselves, worked really well.

    13. Charlotte Lucas*

      Finished Vintage Murder and am awaiting Artists in Crime from the library to continue my project of reading all Ngaio Marsh’s mysteries.

      In the meantime I’m about halfway through a collection called Golden Age Locked Room Mysteries, which is definitely giving me some ideas for additional classic mystery writers to read.

      Also recently read Susanna Clarke’s The Wood in Midwinter and am about to start Piranesi.

      Oh, and I started Jennifer Saunders’ Bonkers, which is as delightful as I expected.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Finishing three nonfiction books.

      Nexus on information networks was excellent. The first third is about information networks before computers, the middle third on AI and how it’s different from past information technology, and the last third about the implications for government. There’s a really informative running theme of witch hunts, which hit very familiar beats in each new iteration. (Also, my beloved printing press really expanded the information available on the important topic “How to recognize witches in your midst,” texts on which wildly outsold Copernicus going on about the solar system.)

      In Praise of Good Bookstores by the manager of the Seminary Coop in Chicago, the nation’s first nonprofit book store. This had a phenomenal first chapter on Space, which magically evoked (for me) the feeling of wandering the Elliot Bay Book Company. But I found the rest of the book more abstract and it didn’t resonate as much–felt like a great essay that shouldn’t have tried to expand to a book.

      Uncovering Dinosaur Behavior, on what dinosaurs could have done (e.g. do crocodiles and birds do it?) and what there’s fossil evidence they did do. This is very academic and not afraid to use big words, but informative. Each chapter ends with a focus on one species, e.g. that spinosaurus wasn’t just aquatic but spent significant time on land.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, Elliot Bay! I love that shop! Haven’t traveled to it in years. That neighborhood has really declined. My ‘waiting at the DMV’ book right now is Papyrus – The Invention of Books in the Ancient World by Irene Vallejo, about the origins and evolution of the earliest books, and the millennia-long evolution of reading silently instead of hearing a tale spoken aloud.

        Your mention of Elliot Bay reminded me of a passage in the book about Martial and his relationship to a booksellers’ guild, and a bookshop in Caesar’s time that had signs at the entrance listing all the poets’ works available inside. His poems contained advertising!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          When we visited Seattle it was on my list of “possible thing to stop in if we are nearby.” And then we were circling looking for parking because the athletic shoe store my son wanted to go to (to get inserts for his dad’s shoes) turned out to be right around the corner.

          My local independent bookshop is lovely, but Elliot Bay is about 10 times the size, and just: Wow. Now on my “any time we visit son, must also visit book shop for prolonged browse.”

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            It’s so weird to remember that Elliott Bay is a destination bookstore–I have to work to keep out of there! *eyes pile of six hardbacks on bedside table*

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Yikes! I feel that way living equidistant from an indie bookstore and a Half Price Books. I have to sit on my hands on Friday evenings when I finally wrap up work. Dutch philosopher Erasmus said, “When I get a little money, I buy books. If any is left, I buy food.” Erasmus gets me.

        2. word nerd*

          Ooh, put the Papyrus book on hold since it sounds right up my alley. But do you mean it’s literally just for waiting at the DMV?? Because that is a lot of waiting, I’m sorry!

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Teehee – no, I just mean it’s the book I am currently bringing with me for all waiting room visits. I find it easier to read nonfiction in places like that. The noise, keeping one eye or ear out for my name or number to be called – I can’t concentrate on fiction under those circumstances. I save specific books for this purpose! I don’t want this one to end.

            1. word nerd*

              Ok, good, I’m glad your DMV isn’t quite that bad! :P But that’s interesting that you prefer nonfiction for that because I lean toward fiction while waiting–I find nonfiction usually requires more of my brainpower to follow what’s going on and keep all the facts straight, so I like light fiction for waiting. Reading dialogue, easy banter, etc. is kind of like overhearing conversations in public but usually more entertaining.

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      Mary Stewart! If you haven’t read them, her two books that would now be considered YA, that are fantastic, are The Little Broomstick (about a child and a talking cat who crash a witch school, oh yeah!) and Ludo and the Star Horse (a boy and his aging horse travel through the zodiac, ugly cry time). They were childhood treasures of mine. And for adult books, Airs Above the Ground, a mystery involving the Lippizan stallions of Vienna. She gets animals!

    16. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week. My week’s Penguin is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. I’ve read it many times, and can honestly say I could speak ‘nadsat’, the fictional teen ‘slanguage.’ The trick to this is to find an edition that includes the true last chapter. The last line of the last chapter of many editions is, “I was cured alright,” but that was the second last chapter. The full book ends on the line, “And all that cal.” Kubrick regretted allowing this, and later editions were then made complete. Bonus points for editions with the nadsat glossary in the back. It’s a fascinating, dark read – highly recommended. The 1971 film is NOT recommended. It’s a very tough watch from the first scene onward.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Have never read A Clockwork Orange, but I had to walk out of the movie, it was too upsetting. And my date was sitting there laughing like a loon and couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I just went and waited in the lobby for him.

      2. allx*

        I read Clockwork Orange in secret when I was in 7th or 8th grade and was terrified. So much so that I doubt I could even read it now. I will never see the movie, ever. I can now see that I read a lot of age-inappropriate material growing up.

    17. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished reading the novella of Breakfast at Tiffany’s and some other short stories by Capote. I think I understand the story better now — the film never made any sense to me, but the novella can be more open about things. I knew Holly married young from the film, but in the novella, she and her brother are taken in as informal foster children when they are literally starving during the Depression and then in a year, when she turns 14, her foster father asks her to marry him. She doesn’t act like it’s a big deal, but having to marry and have sex with your foster father to keep yourself and your little brother fed is atrocious. But knowing that does explain her actions a lot better. Also, she’s apparently bi. Go figure.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes; Holly’s actions are all centered on survival and she knows her charm and fascination are tools to do that.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My grandpa’s oldest sister (19 I think) married their stepfather when their mom died to keep all the kids together. Apparently they did have a long and happy life together and were quite dedicated to each other into their mid-40s anniversaries, but I thought that was a bit disturbing even as a child.

    18. Tradd*

      I was reading the NYT earlier in the week and there was an article about romance books with a quiz to go through to get suggestions. I ended up with The Fake Mate by Lana Ferguson. It was very funny. Shape shifters (aka become wolves) and an alpha male needing a fake mate to keep his job as a doctor and an early career omega female needing a fake boyfriend to keep her grandmother from trying to set her up on blind dates. I needed something light and funny and it fit the bill. The sex scenes were kinda funny.

    19. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished The Excitements by CJ Wray, which was about 2 elderly sisters visiting Paris and their colorful WW2 adventures. It packed in a lot but I liked it. Tried giving What I ate in a year by Stanley Tucci, but after 50pp I realized I’m not enough of a fan. Also in book related, was anyone else sad to read about Tom Robbins passing? I loved Jitterbug Perfume and Still Life with Woodpecker.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Very much so. I found Still Life in a secondhand bookstore as a teenager and was amazed at the writing.

      2. Heffalump*

        I read “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues” years ago. I liked the line “Out where the boogie ended and the woogie began.”

    20. Sitting Pretty*

      Finally managed to get my Libby hold of Fourth Wing (I was 334th on the list in November). Absolutely loving it!

    21. Lizard*

      Still working my way through Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray. I’m hoping that I’ll have time to sit down and focus on it tonight because reading 1-2 pages before bed doesn’t make much progress.

      My bus book is Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. It centers around a character called Snowman who is the only human (as we know it) living in a post-apocalyptic world. We get the background through flashbacks to his childhood. So far, it’s background heavy, but Atwood’s writing is great, and the background has been engaging, so I’m enjoying it!

      2. LBD*

        I find that reading 18th and 19th century literature requires a different kind of reading skill. There is a slower pace, and it almost seems that the written story telling compared to 20th and 21st century written story telling parallels the comparison between stage plays vs movies. I do enjoy reading the older works but it takes a different mind set for me. I was, for example, pleasantly surprised to find out how funny Anthony Trollope is! Who knew classical writers had a sense of humour?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Shirley Jackson has a wonderful essay about this in the collection Let Me Tell You, about her favorite author, Samuel Richardson. How all his books are about people who consider every.single.action in pages-long letters to each other considering every angle and position, then changing their minds, then changing them back…

          You’d think that would drive any reader mad, but that essay actually inspired me to read Clarissa!

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Also, if you like senses of humor, try some Nathaniel Hawthorne! I’m reading his stuff and he’s got quite the pointed pen when it suits him.

    22. LBD*

      I really enjoy Mary Stewart’s books too! I recently bought a used paperback edition of ‘The Ivy Tree’, which I had in a 3 novel omnibus hardcover, but the weight of the paper has been hard on the binding, and it is pretty heavy to hold as well. I was very surprised to read some passages that I couldn’t remember reading, and finally figured out that it wasn’t my memory suddenly declining, but a different version!! It had been edited for the American market, from the original UK version.

    23. Feisty Woman Book*

      “The Ride of Her Life” by Elizabeth Letts. In 1954, a 63-year old woman rode a horse over 4,000 miles from Maine to Los Angeles.  She had just lost her farm, her doctor gave her 2 years to live and she wanted to see the Pacific Ocean before she died.  If you like horses, or fiesty women, this book is for you.

    24. LBD*

      I am reading the non-fiction book ‘Lytton: Climate Change, Colonialism and Life Before the Fire’, by Peter Edwards and Kevin Loring. I am interested in the subject, partly because part of the time my work has me staying only a few kilometers away from Lytton (yes, I was working when they smashed previous high temperature records 3 days in a row in June 2021, which ended in the fire mentioned in the title), and partly because the subjects interest me. The bonus is the writing, which is good enough that even the introductions were a compelling read. Edwards and Loring are both home town boys from Lytton.

    25. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Started *Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone*, which I’ve seen recommended here a couple of times, yesterday. I am enjoying it so far.

    26. Rosyglasses*

      I just finished the second book in the Dune series. I have never read them, but after watching the second movie, and finishing the Fourth Wing trilogy in one weekend, I needed a new long series to read. So far very enjoyable!

  15. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working on Unicorn Overlord. I think I’ve found my way past some of the tricky bits for the moment; we’ll see if that lasts but it’s at least a start.

    1. Greyhound*

      I’ve been playing Indiana Jones and the Great Circle for a few weeks. It’s a lot of fun if you’re an Indy fan. Lots of escaping scorpion pits, exploring ancient temples, finding treasures, daring escapades and very satisfying beating up of bad guys. Starts in the Vatican, moves to the pyramids and ends up in the jungles of Siam. Very Indiana Jones.

      I’m also downloading Avowed, a big new RPG somewhat in the Skyrim style but not really. It’s had mixed reviews but going to give it a try. It looks gorgeous. I’m interested to know if anyone else has played.

      Both on XBox.

    2. LastManStanding*

      I’m cleaning up the last of the optional levels/collectibles in Astro Bot (PlayStation 5) after completing the main story.

      It’s a PS5 exclusive, but anyone with a PS5 should have Astro’s Playroom already installed with the console — it was more of a tech demo to show off the controller’s functions, but in the guise of a short, fun, well-polished platformer.

      If you liked Playroom, you’ll probably also enjoy Astro Bot — same vibes, full-size game, some new fun mechanics thrown in.

  16. CuriousLemur*

    I was thinking about using some kind of fasteners to make kind of a collage of smallish squares of cloth, but I want it to be something that can be moved around.

    Advice on fasteners? Adding buttons means sewing a button hole, which I’ve never tried. What about snaps? Velcro is a pain to sew through.

    2. Oniya*

      You might try hook-and-eye strips. You can get individual hook-and-eyes, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them in pre-assembled strips, which are easier to attach. If your local sewing store has a specific ‘bridal’ aisle, they are a common notion for dresses.

    3. office hobbit*

      Tiny safety pins would be easiest, but they might not be as polished a look as you want. (You can get some the size of your thumbnail.)

    4. Jill Swinburne*

      Magnets! You can get little magnets like you find in some bags and sew them inside your fabric pieces.

    5. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Oh I like the magnets idea!

      If you’d prefer no sewing and very easy (dis)assembly, though, I’d suggest mini binder clips. They do add a bit of wait, all in all, so if the fabric is very fine they might not work. Same goes for magnets, though.

    6. cleo*

      Hook and bar sets might work. They’re like hook and eyes but are used for trouser closures.

      I’m also wondering if you could do a more artistic version of a felt board? (If you didn’t know what that is, Google it – it’s a prop librarians use to tell children’s stories.) You could do something similar, using fancier fabrics that still stick to each other, like boiled wool or velvet or velveteen.

    7. LBD*

      Loops of ribbon or other trim can be used instead of button holes, if you really want the button aesthetic.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Thin elastic hair ties also work well for this – basically fold them in half and sandwich them in between the seam of the fabric, then hook them over the button. I’ve used that approach on clothing before and it came out quite well. Ribbons would probably be better if you wanted a pretty effect rather than just functional though. (You could also make rouleau loops in the same fabric but I personally find those a bit fiddly.)

  17. CuriousLemur*

    I’m looking for advice on storing stuff in a storage place. I’d be worried that things might get moldy or otherwise messed up.

    Thanks,

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Some storage places have climate-controlled units, but they cost more per month. It’s worth it if you want to keep things nice, though. My stuff was in one when I was at Mom’s and I didn’t have any issues other than a couple of cobwebs. No rats or mice, either.

      You might look around and see if any of them are running a deal. The company we used was called Life Storage, but I think they’re rebranding as Extra Space Storage now. I think they’re running a President’s Day sale atm. extraspace dot com

      1. workingdayandnight*

        We stored furniture and bins in a climate controlled unit for about five years. It worked out great. The only issue we had was the monthly fee really jumped up once the deal we had ended.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yeah, it can be pricey for sure. But if you’re not storing it for too terribly long, getting a deal can help.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Two suggestions:
      1. Shelving or pallets to get stuff up off the floor, in case the place floods.
      2. Rubbermaid (or similar) bins. Possibly with desiccant packets, depending on your climate. If storing clothing or fabric, some sort of insect repellent is also advisable – I make lavender sachets out of scraps – and make sure everything is CLEAN and dry when you pack it.

      Oh, and if you’re going to store anything that has batteries, remove them.

      1. Nihil Scio*

        Rubbermaid, for sure
        I lived on a flood plain and those with Rubbermaid were able to keep things in their basements safe

    3. Chaordic One*

      If you are going to be storing boxes in an unheated locker, place them on top of a wooden shipping pallets to keep them off of the concrete floor. I think what happens is that during extreme changes in temperature condensation occurs which turns into moisture that can damage the bottoms of cardboard boxes and the items inside of them, especially things like books or clothes. It also can turn to mold. Wooden shipping pallets are usually easy to find in back of stores by their dumpsters. I got lucky and found pallets that someone else was discarding next to the dumpster at the storage facility where I rented a unit. The pallets are a bit unwieldy to move. It really helps if you have a friend with a pickup truck to haul them to your storage locker for you. Get the pallets set on the floor of the locker before you start putting your boxes in the locker.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Even then I might put a layer of plastic (a tarp?) between the wooden pallet and the cardboard box, or maybe use plastic storage bins. I could imagine the wood wicking the moisture up into the cardboard eventually.

  18. Arororo*

    Aromantic Awareness Week is coming up. Please recommend me your favourite aro or “feels aro” work, as some of my favourite work are not explicitly labelled as aromantic.

    2. KeinName*

      I read aromatic awareness (because comment above is about musty smells I guess). Sorry to make your very valid awareness raising post into something fun! But it would be very nice to introduce a day or week for noticing good aromas.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      True Grit by Charles Portis (if you want a book) or “True Grit” the 2010 movie starring Hailee Steinfeld and Jeff Bridges. There’s also a 1969 movie with John Wayne that I have not seen, so I don’t know how good it is or if they changed anything from the book that changes the “feels aro” vibes of the book/2010 movie version.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Katherine, major character in Dread Nation and pov character in its sequel Deathless Divide. Alternate history in which the Civil War ended when the dead rose and started eating both sides. Katherine and the other main character, Jane, are Black teenagers training at an elite academy to be bodyguards for white women. I quite liked this, and it’s what caused me to learn the term “revanchist.”

      Jane does get involved in some romances, but this is not really sold as a positive for her character.

    5. Mitchell Hundred*

      I don’t know of any works with characters explicitly labeled as aromantic, although I do keep an eye out for works that feature characters finding happiness or personal fulfillment through something other than romantic connection (my term for that is “anti-amatonormative media”). Probably my favourites are the movies “Muriel’s Wedding” and “The Full Monty.” Other works with this element that I love are the novels “Nation” by Terry Pratchett and the graphic novel series “The Nameless City Trilogy” by Faith Erin Hicks and “Castle Waiting” by Linda Medley.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      Not really an aromantic work, but there is a character in A Murder has been Announced who is pretty clearly what we would recognise as aromantic today. She’s close friends with her male boss and there’s point where somebody asks his wife is she worried about that and the wife basically starts laughing and says eh, no, the other woman is definitely not interested in him or anybody else romantically.

    7. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      The Miss Zukas books are pretty standard mysteries – Miss Zukas is clearly aromantic (although the word wasn’t common at the time they were written) – I identified with her so much (a librarian who wasn’t interested in romance/sex and baffled by other people’s obsession with romantic relationships).

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      IMHO The Deed of Palsenarrion. The 3-book saga of a farm girl who develops into a paladin.

      (TW torture and SA, as part of the paladin’s quest she encounters true evil. if it helps, she triumphs.)

      1. Anonymous today*

        I absolutely love The Deed of Paksenarrion. (I just skip the chapter towards the end of Book 3 with the torture when I re-read it.)

    11. PurplePeopleEater*

      I’m in the middle of a short story collection, “Being Ace” that just came out that also includes aro/ace stories. It’s great so far!

  19. Free Meerkats*

    Today (Saturday February 15) is the anniversary of the great Boston Molasses Flood. Many people go, “What?”; if you haven’t heard of it, wikipedia is your friend. At about 12:30 PM, over 2 million gallons of molasses flooded parts of Boston, in a 25 foot wave moving at more than 35 mph. 21 people killed, more than 100 injured.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      I had heard of it but didn’t remember the date! I’m struggling to even picture a molasses flood but it must have been almost as bad to clean up as to live through…

    2. Jill Swinburne*

      Wasn’t it on Tasting History? Really fascinating story, and the cleanup doesn’t even bear thinking about.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        I think Tasting History is where I heard of it, too.

        The clean up probably wasn’t easy but a good few rainy days might have helped? Though I’m not sure how rainy Boston was in February in the early 20th century.

        Wikipedia says, salt water and sand were used to wash away and absorb the molasses but also that helpers and onlookers traipsed the stuff around the whole city and it took ages to get actually everything clean again.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve heard of it! I recommend Steven Puleo’s book Dark Tide, which covers the disaster and the aftermath. (I even left a copy of the book at the commemorative plaque near the site of the tank, at Langone Park and Puopolo Playground in Boston’s North End.) I admit that when I first heard about it, I thought it sounded amusing – messy, but not that serious. The details are much more horrifying, though, from the sheer devastation to the area to the painful injuries and tragic deaths.

      The “I Survived” series of children’s books includes one on the flood: I Survived The Great Molasses Flood, 1919.

      And there’s at least one novel that uses it as a plot-point:Molasses Murder in a Nutshell by Frances McNamara, in which a fictionalized version of Frances Glessner Lee (of Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death fame) works with medical examiner George Magrath to determine who murdered a woman whose body was found amid the wreckage of the molasses flood.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Thank you! I just finished Seanan McGuire’s latest Wayward Children book and needed something to read. Dark Tide is now on my Kindle.

    5. CityMouse*

      It’s one of those things that sounds funny when you’re a kid but then gets incredibly horrifying when you read about it as an adult.

    7. o_gal*

      And for a long time after it, people say you could still pick up a whiff of molasses there on a hot day.

      1. KB*

        Fact. My dad, born in 1922, remembered smelling molasses in the summer as a boy. So… let’s say the odor was still identifiable at least until 1932.

    8. Nihil Scio*

      On another note, today (Saturday, February 15) is the 60th anniversary of the Canadian maple leaf flag

    9. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I’m from Boston, so I know all about it. There’s even a sign marking the location where it happened.

  20. Part time lab tech*

    Anyone got a disappointing purchase story to share?
    Mine is a comfortable pair of jeans I bought last week, that was a good price, with a zip that goes down within 5 mins, no matter what I’m doing. I may even make the effort to return them.

    1. Squidhead*

      My smart friend in college had a pair of jeans like this that she rescued by taking an elastic hair tie and choking if through the loop on the zipper pull and then looping the other end around the button. She had to undo it from the button every time she wanted to unzip, but it worked pretty well!

      2. Frieda*

        A single key ring – just the one wire loop – threaded through the zipper pull and the looped over the jeans button will also work.

    2. Ramelton*

      Instantpot- bought on Black Friday a few years back when they had a chokehold on every cook in America. Only used it a couple of times and I just can’t be bothered with it, all the other kitchen gadgets I have do enough so that I don’t need it. It’s an expensive paperweight now.

    3. WellRed*

      I bought the cutest owl 70s vintage owl necklace but when it arrived I realized how big the pendant was! Think car hood ornament.

    4. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      It’s so stupid of me, but I collect crochet pattern books, and made the fatal mistake of thinking the eBay algorithm understood me, so when a book called something like “One Skein Patterns” with lovely shawlette patterns on the cover popped up for a few quid, I bought it. It’s knitting patterns. No beef with knitters, but not my cuppa tea. Off to the charity shop it goes!

      On a bigger scale, last Black Fri I bought an exercise training class I’d been wanting to do for ages, from one of the many online providers. However this online provider turned out to be Super Dodgy and I couldn’t access any training, so I’ve been in an ongoing battle with my credit card company to get a refund as it was around ~£300.

    6. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

      I bought the new packaging of my preferred moisturizer. As soon as I put it on, my eyes started itching and watering. I guess the new packaging came with a free new formula and now I gotta find a new daily moisturizer with SPF. (Please no recommendations.)

      Thankfully, the receipt was still in my bag and CVS takes back opened cosmetics as long as you’ve got a receipt, so I didn’t lose money on it.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Etsy tshirts. I know the product photos are photoshopped but I always assume/hope the size and placement is accurate and it never is. Sometimes I find one I just can’t help taking a risk on but I’m rarely thrilled with what I get.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Just about every tee shirt I’ve ever ordered online. Online stores don’t seem to realize that adult females with breasts exist! I either have to buy a tent to get the damn thing over the girls or risk being strangled by a cloth python because their version of XXL means “for a twelve year old.”

    9. Girasol*

      Bought surplus Italian WWII soldier pants at REI for hiking. They were wonderful, reinforced and double stitched in all the wear spots, very sturdy. I wore them backpacking. Out in the wilderness a pocket button snapped in half. And then another. I hadn’t noticed that they were bakelite, one of the earliest of plastics, and decades old. A button on the fly snapped next, and of course they were full button fly, no zipper. It was touch and go whether I’d emerge at trailhead holding my pants up with my hands and crossed legs but they just barely made it.

      1. Dontbeadork*

        I laughed (sorry), but that must have been such a pain in the neck to cope with on the hike.

        Can you at least replace the buttons with something sturdier so it wasn’t a total waste of money?

    10. Chaordic One*

      I’m always disappointed with the pockets in clothes that I buy. Several years ago I bought some fancy designer jeans and they really looked good on me but the pockets were so shallow that I couldn’t keep anything in them. Even car keys would fall out of the shallow pockets. I’ve had similar problems with other pants that I’ve bought. I’ve had similar problems with too-small and oddly-shaped pockets in jackets and coats that I’ve bought. I have to stop buying clothes at Costco.

    11. Clara Bowe*

      All the cheap, basic wall clocks I have bought over the last decade. In the early aughts, I bought a basic black one at a big box store that lasted for 15 years. But when it died, I have had to YEARLY replace the darn things.

      I know, I should spend the $$ for a better one, but outside of the office-quality ones, they all seem terribly the same, no matter how pricy they are.

  21. Six Feldspar*

    A lighthearted what-if for the weekend: you get to wave a magic wand and make one (1) additional species domesticated over human history, to the point where it’s a common pet or farm animal. What are you picking?

    I’m picking tigers, I’m sure there are more practical animals but I love the idea of a giant cat that can come swimming with me.

    2. Meow*

      I love tigers so much, I just don’t know how many humans can be responsible big cat owners when people are struggling at keeping medium sized dogs responsibly.

      So I’m going for something smaller and less potentially murder mitteny. Penguins please.

        1. Sigh*

          Sea ottere are SO DEMANDING. They have to get in water to do normal bodily functions, but orphan babies can’t regulate their own body temps nor dry themselves efficiently. So you blow dry. By which point they need to be fed. And put in the water…

          They also need sashimi grade fish. They are very loud. Extremely bitey with sharp teeth.

          And the softest thing you’ve ever felt. And astonishingly clever. But hoo. Lotta work.

          Source: used to volunteer at a sea life rescue

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            The Seattle Times wrote about a little rescued sea otter that was going to a special rehab in Vancouver and quoted it as saying “SHRIEK! SHRIEK!” in response to everything.

          3. RC*

            Sea otters are so cute but also, um, are murderers and do terrible things to baby seals (googling “sea otters serial killers” comes up with a pretty sensational Vox article about it, but apparently there’s real science too DOI: 10.1578/AM.36.4.2010.331). OTOH, some of our domestic cats are also terrible…

            I’m thinking it’d be nice to have domestic bats. Flying mammals are cool, all our plants would get pollinated probably, and we’d never have house flies in our houses, right? But I can’t decide if it would be a net pro or con re: the current white nose syndrome crisis to have people genetically modifying them over many generations instead…

        2. LBD*

          You might enjoy Emma Massingale’s youtube video All Aboard the Pony Express Train. Adorable river otter cuteness starting about 2 minutes in, peaking a few seconds after with a whole clutch of otters and a pony greeting each other!

        2. Heffalump*

          I read it decades ago, and again a few years ago. It was actually Bill Peet Jr. who decided to get Capyboppy as a pet. He says in so many words, “I am ashamed to admit I ordered Capy from an animal importer. Exotic pets often become more than their owners can handle, as did Capy.” Of course, this was with the benefit of years of hindsight.

          https://billpeet.net/billpeetdotnet/PAGES/capy.htm

          1. Heffalump*

            At the end of the book, the Peets have given Capyboppy to the Los Angeles Zoo, they check in periodically, and all seems well. As the website details, the eventual ending wasn’t so happy. I assume this took place after the book was published.

      1. StrayMom*

        Yes to red pandas! Our local zoo had a red panda who was the star of their social media account and just so darned cute. He passed away about a year ago, but as a tribute to Scout (RIP) and a much beloved AAM post, I bought a red panda pencil pouch, and get a dose of red panda cuteness every morning when I start work.

    6. Sloanicota*

      I always thought it was funny that, given teddy bears, we never tried to breed little domesticated bears. In fact we went to a lot of effort to make some dogs look more like bears because we find them so cute. I’m sure there are reasons but I would totally want cat-sized bears (that were nice).

    7. GoryDetails*

      While the pet tiger or bear is tempting, I think I’d like to imagine a world in which saddle-moose are a thing. Yes, I realize their gait would probably be wildly uncomfortable, but they’re so tall the view would be impressive, and they’re semi-aquatic so you could ride them right through marshes and shallow ponds.

      2. I take tea*

        I once was treated to a long story about how the Finnish army rode moose during the latest wars against the Soviet Union and that’s why they managed so well as they did. I tried gently to say that it’s an urban tale, but they were adamant that it really happened.

    8. office hobbit*

      Raccoons!

      Though actually living with a raccoon might be a nightmare…I can imagine them getting into everything like the most annoying cat, but with thumbs!

    9. Plaidless*

      Bats. They’re adorable, and having a winged pet that provides built-in pest control means that my sh*tty loose-fitting window screens aren’t as big of a PITA.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, how to choose???

      I would go, off the top of my head, with snow leopards. Those tails!

    13. Can't Sit Still*

      I’m going to choose cheetahs. People have repeatedly attempted to domesticate them but they can’t/won’t breed in captivity. The magic wand will fix that, and voila, domesticated cheetahs!

      1. Girasol*

        Our cat decided one day that he was absolutely done with me disappearing to go to work every day so he decided I would stay in the bedroom and not go downstairs. Given the amount of damage that a mere determined house cat can do, and the amount of pain it can inflict, I think I would not want a domesticated cheetah, beautiful though they are.

    16. velveteen rabbit*

      In a hypothetical world where domesticated foxes were a thing I would run a very real risk of becoming a Crazy Fox Lady.

      1. A Significant Tree*

        Me too! I’ve seen at least one documentary about domesticating foxes, a decades-long project in Russia. They selectively bred for friendliness and other human-positive traits, and what happens is they become more doglike, even physically! The ears get a little floppy and the tails get a little curl to them. Obviously they are adorable. I was almost sad to learn that this project started in the 1960s because when I was a kid (in the early 1980s), my entire life goal was to have a sanctuary farm for foxes and someone beat me to it.

        Since I just searched on it, if you have a spare $10K, live in an area where it’s not banned, and have a high tolerance for fur shedding, you can actually own one now!

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Not quite the same but if you haven’t read it already, I would highly recommend the book Remarkably Bright Creatures!

  22. Freelance Bass*

    Does anyone have cats who prefer dry food to wet, and have you had any success getting them to eat wet food? Any brands you’d suggest?

    My kittens live for the cronch of the kibble, but I want to keep them hydrated and avoid kidney issues later in life.

    1. Two cents*

      Mine LIVED for dry food. The only thing that ever worked to get her to eat wet food was to limit the availability of dry. So she was hungry enough to eat the wet food even though it was second fiddle. We dispensed wet twice a day and dry once, which can be done with automatic feeders but I did since I was home anyway.

      Also: we got her to slow down eating dry food by getting an activity board. That worked great for that issue, but she would still go for that before wet food most of the time.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband’s cats not only won’t eat anything but kibble, but they specifically won’t eat anything but the kibble in the purple bag from Costco. ANYTHING. Not even treats or bits of people food. They’re ten and in great health, and the vet says it’s weird but they’re doing well so for now we roll with it.

      1. Cat Servant*

        Our cats love the purple bag! It’s the only dry food I get because they vomit in protest of other brands. Luckily They also love the wet food with mine some brands flavors are better. None of the inside cats like salmon flavored wet cat food but the outside cat colony cats are not so picky. Some brands are way more interesting to them so maybe switch brands and see?

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Maybe try adding a little water to the kibble bowl and soaking for a couple minutes before giving it to them? The kibble should still be crunchy under a slightly soggy outer layer, and the water itself might get licked up too.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Have you tried the really gooey lickable cat food? It looks like kitty go-gurt. Mine seem to view it as a treat, a separate category from their food, which is kibble. A fosterer’s trick is to warm up anything they’re rejecting, as it makes the smell stronger.

    5. Qwerty*

      Do you ever give them a bite of your food? My cat got less suspicious of wet food after I started giving him a small piece of whatever meat was in my dinner. Now wet food is the Best Thing Ever!

      I like Fancy Feast Petites (~30 cal) – the version which is “In Gravy” not Pate. My cat started with the salmon one (because what cat can resist fish?) but now loves every flavor. I mostly do turkey because its the most food and he loves to eat. When doing cans, I use Fancy Feast’s In Gravy or get their Medley line. They released a new line for the gravy cans that is something about being more natural, but I haven’t tried it yet.

      Overall, I found simple food that is chunks of meat makes my cat happiest and helps him feel full. He is does not like pate at all and doesn’t seem a fan of mushy wet food, he need to feel like he’s eating not licking. Overall his diet is about 25-50% wet food depending on how much I am home (autofeeder gives kibble the rest of the time)

    6. Qwerty*

      Do you ever give them a bite of your food? My cat got less suspicious of wet food after I started giving him a small piece of whatever meat was in my dinner. Now wet food is the Best Thing Ever!

      I like Fancy Feast Petites (~30 cal) – the version which is “In Gravy” not Pate. My cat started with the salmon one (because what cat can resist fish?) but now loves every flavor. I mostly do turkey because its the most food and he loves to eat. When doing cans, I use Fancy Feast’s In Gravy or get their Medley line. They released a new line for the gravy cans that is something about being more natural, but I haven’t tried it yet.

      Overall, I found simple food that is chunks of meat makes my cat happiest and helps him feel full. He is does not like pate at all and doesn’t seem a fan of mushy wet food, he need to feel like he’s eating not licking. Overall his diet is about 25-50% wet food depending on how much I am home (autofeeder gives kibble the rest of the time)

    7. Zephy*

      My younger cat desires the cronch above all else, and also doesn’t seem to like his wet food if it’s too cold from the fridge. Unclear if the temperature itself is the turnoff, or if he has trouble smelling it when it’s that cold (if they can’t smell it, it doesn’t exist, as far as the cat is concerned). Sometimes I’ll sprinkle a few pieces of kibble onto his wet food, and that usually gets him started eating so he eats most or all of the wet food. (I call it a “crunchatizer,” as in “crunchy appetizer,” but asking my cat if he wants to be crunchatized is amusing to me, because oh BOY does he ever.)

  23. BellStell*

    Joys thread! What brought you joy this week?

    For me it was seeing a few nice sunrises, an owl one morning, the full moon and lots of calls with family and friends.

    1. Greyhound*

      I made a tomato sauce from my home grown tomatoes and herbs to go with shop bought gnocchi. Just had to add purchased onion and garlic. It was absolutely delicious and full of flavour and made me very proud. Also my dog – she always brings me joy. Not so much the cat, but I love him anyway.

    2. Evvy*

      I was parked at a red light and saw a crow flying back and forth from a nearby tree, and I swear to god he looked like he was playing with the wind. He was drifting out on the air, letting it blow him back a few feet, then angling his wings and soaring again… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        He absolutely was! Our crows out back love to play “dive bomb” when it’s warmer–they plummet straight towards the ground and pull up at the last second, over and over.

    3. WellRed*

      A cardinal! After a miserable traffic cluster and therefore long journey to work, a cardinal swooped right in front of my car as I turned into the parking lot.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I scored some new catnip toys for my three cats. My go-to Wild Birds store stocks products from Alice’s Cottage, including delightful kitchen towel/pad sets – and the “Wine Me Up” line of catnip toys. They’re shaped like wine bottles, in various varieties of red and white. (I got the “Chat-Eau-Neuf”.) The cats love them, and when my big ginger cat goes after one he bites down on the bottle-top end while kicking at the rest of it, looking as though he’s knocking back a big slug of red wine.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Reading my owl book and coming across the phrase “tiny murder feet” about dwarf owls.

    8. Dontbeadork*

      A pair of Cooper’s hawks hanging around our neighborhood. They’re beautiful birds, if a hair rough on the grackle and squirrel populations.

    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We got a gorgeous big dump of snow and got to go snowshoeing and cross-country skiing! I’m lucky in that I didn’t have to drive in it, so for me it was just joy. We’re getting more tonight and tomorrow though and I don’t know where they are going to put it all!

    11. Festively Dressed Earl*

      A little girl who was out on a walk with her mom insisted on stopping and watching me check my mail. She didn’t speak English, but we figured out that she was fascinated with one of my keychains. Since it was one given to me by that friend who won’t stop giving me tchotchkes, I unhooked it and gave it to her mom. It thrilled her no end.

      1. Zweisatz*

        That’s probably gonna be a great memory for her. When do you ever covet something shiny and then actually get to keep it?

    12. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      Seeing “Becoming Led Zeppelin” with my husband! Just got back. If you’re a Zep fan to any degree, see it. There was a lot of old footage that I hadn’t known existed, like Jimmy Page on TV when he was 14 or so. There were new interviews with Page and Plant, an interview with Jones from shortly before he passed on, and incredibly, audio of one of the few interviews Bonham ever gave. And for the new interviews, the crew brought in monitors so Page and Plant could see what they were supposed to comment on. The moment that stands out for me just now is the look of wonder on Page’s face, while he’s watching himself and the band from, I think the Atlanta Pop Festival. So yeah, that was a joy.

    13. Voluptuousfire*

      I washed the gorgeous towels and matching washcloths today that I bought a few weeks ago and got to use them today. They’re soft and thick and looks so good in the bathroom.

      I also bought hand towels and the green one mirrors the green in the towels and in my shower curtain and bath mat. It makes me feel happy because I have at least one room in my apartment set. I even finally put up the command shelves the other day, so it’s pretty much done, outside of re-organizing underneath the sink and putting in the waterproof lining

    14. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I baked oatmeal cookies today from my mom’s recipe and they were outstanding. They give me lots of good childhood memory vibes. I’ll drop a link to share the recipe.

    15. Love in Every Quilt*

      I’m making a quilt for my brother in law, and enjoying every second! I designed it, so it’s especially fun to watch my vision come to life. It’s a Beatles tribute quilt, and today I get to start appliquéing the silhouettes of the Beatles from the Abbey Road photo onto the quilt. So much fun!

    16. dapfloodle*

      My significant other and I had our 24th dating anniversary this weekend. We decided to do something we might have done that long ago, which ended up being spending a few hours shopping at an indoor mall. We mostly got boring old-people stuff (socks, slippers), and had to take a break to sit down and have a cold drink, but it was still a fun change of pace.

  24. Jenesis*

    Let’s talk about weddings!

    The good: My husband’s brother is getting married in a few months! I am happy for him and his fiancée and am genuinely excited to be helping them celebrate their big day.

    The not-so-good: The dress code is “formal/black tie optional” and I am a fem-bodied person who Does Not wear long dresses, Ever. I also do not handle large social gatherings well, and the only people I expect to be in attendance whom I am really comfortable with are the groom, the bride, and my husband, who is the best man (as he should be!). Taking separate transportation and leaving early (or getting ‘a bit too tipsy’ and taking a lift home) are not options because of the driving distance involved.

    Please share: Advice for budget-friendly clothing options (specific stores and brands welcome!) that will fit the dress code, tips for managing social anxiety for 5+ hours among a giant crowd of strangers I am unable to escape, and stories about weddings you were dreading that either went better than you thought they would, or at least managed to be funny in hindsight.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Stories: my oldest friend has taken a very different path than mine and is much much much more religiously observant. Her daughter was married on Memorial Day weekend which fell between my daughter’s college graduation and our college reunion. She told me I would be invited and I said “oh, I’m so sorry, there’s no way.” Then it turned out that two of her three siblings refused to attend….and so I agreed to go. It was over two hours each way on a hot May Sunday. I had to buy a “modest” dress I knew I’d never wear again…

      …and we had a BLAST. The ceremony was lovely and everyone was so welcoming. The band was amazing, there was great dancing, the food was delicious, and seeing my oldest friend happier than she had been in years was totally worth the price of admission. We had a great time.

    2. Jill Swinburne*

      Would you consider a nice jumpsuit instead of a dress? I’ve seen some that are super elegant – you might even be able to look into a designer rental.

      As for avoiding people, I’ve always found taking a nice quiet walk helps. A lot of wedding venues have beautiful grounds.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, formal pants for women are definitely a thing! My friend also has a pair of loose wide-leg black pants with a high sheen to them, which basically “read” as a silky floor length skirt. I’ve seen effective formal tunic-style dresses too where the “dress” is a sort of a midlength and then basically black leggins can be worn underneath. I guarantee your family would rather have you there reasonably happy even if you’re one jot off the dress code* versus stressed and miserable or skipping.

        *but not like, very far. It should be clear you’ve put effort into trying to be in the spirit of black tie.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I think this is a good solution–or very formal, drapey shirt and pants with a dramatic coat or shawl and some signature jewelry. And very nice shoes that are COMFORTABLE (learn from me, who wore heels to my friend’s wedding back in the day and regretted it deeply.)

    3. Not A Manager*

      Dress so that you feel pretty. A nice pant suit and some chunky jewelry, add a stole or a wrap, fun shoes if you have them… Same if you choose to wear a short dress. Just dress it up with jewelry and accessories. Or don’t, it’s fine. Just be happy and feel comfortable.

      Managing social anxiety – I’ll take your word for it that separate transport is not possible, but if there’s any way you can take the money you would have spent on a fancy dress you’ll never wear again, and spend it on an uber or a rental car, I recommend that. Even if you don’t leave early, you’ll feel better knowing you can if you want to. Otherwise, I strongly recommend bringing your phone and some airbuds and hiding in the bathroom or the bride’s dressing room for 15 minutes every now and then.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’d just say, and OP probably knows this, but IMO the 100% most important rule of being a good wedding guest is not to make yourself a problem for the bride/groom. So if you and your husband can plan a few escape avenues, that is perfect, but I would not even ask the bride for the key to her dressing room or whatever. Even rather minor requests of the main couple are tough for them because EVERYBODY needs “just a few quick things” from them that weekend, and they are often very frazzled and sometimes can lose their sense of humor quickly. My rule is to just take care of myself and be a happy face in the crowd that day telling them it was beautiful and they are beautiful and we are all so happy.

    4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Seconding a pant suit or fancy jumpsuit, possibly dressed up with jewellery but only if and as much as you feel comfortable with. Plus a nice, maybe even professional, hairdo if you can afford the time and money.
      I don’t know any specific stores or brands, though, sorry!

      Also seconding walks – take an umbrella, if rain is even slightly probable – several ones if at all possible.
      You could also ask the happy couple for the schedule for the day, so you know in advance at which times you can leave and should be back and can plan accordingly.
      If at all possible, look at the wedding venue’s homepage and see if you can already figure out some quiet spaces in/around it.
      You could also call/email the venue and ask about whether there will be rooms or the like available to geelt away from the crowds. Framing it as “I very much want to celebrate with the happy couple and to be able to do that, I will need some moments of rest in between. Could you help me in getting those moments, please?” should work.
      Depending on how well your husband’s brother and fiancée know and like you, they might be able and willing to give you pointers, too, or even talk with the venue staff about providing places of rest.

      A good friend of mine can’t handle crowds well, either, and when he was best man at his closest friend’s wedding, he spent most of the day with a camera in hand (he’s a hobby photographer) and took pictures of people and things and places around the whole venue. It gave him something to do, an excuse and specific reason to be in contact with people but also to keep each interaction short and sweet as he would simply have to move on to taking pictures of others, too, and allowed him time and space to be on his own and left alone whilst photographing the venue.
      And also: two days of rest afterwards to get his drained social battery filled up a bit.

      1. Thoughts?*

        Second being unofficial photographer—it’s a role I often play at big gatherings and then I send the hosts/bride and groom a link to the pics the next day. Everyone loves getting the pics before the official ones. And all I use is my iPhone.

        It also gives you the excuse to fade out and take some “atmospheric” shots outside looking in, the venue, the sky, etc.

    5. Seashell*

      Is the objection to dresses in general or just long dresses? If it’s the latter, I’m sure there are shorter options available that would be dressy enough to count as formal. What’s available is going to vary based on where you are, but, for me, I would check the clearance section of a big store like Macy’s. That kind of place might work if you’re looking for something with pants too.

      Other options you could look into: places that rent formal wear, any friends of the same size who might be willing to lend you something, local people reselling clothes on Facebook Marketplace.

      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        Technically, formal / BTO requires full length. No such thing as a shorter length that meets that dress code. However, what we don’t know is how this particular bridal couple / family will interpret this dress code and if it actually matters.

        1. Jenesis*

          c+p from my other comment

          Before I saw the dress code, I was planning to wear the fancy dress that is my go-to “theatre/fancy party” attire, but that dress is above the knee and the couple’s wedding website specified “floor length dress or gown” in the dress code.

          I am willing to die on the hill of “if men can wear pants, then women can wear pants” but I know I’d be embarrassed if I showed up in a short dress and was the only person with exposed legs at the wedding.

    6. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Fashion idea: Tunic over long pants? You can add a long scarf/feature jewellery to jazz it up – my mum was a big advocate for a piece of costume jewellery to tart up an outfit, and it always works for me.

      Social anxiety: Think of 3-4 solid anecdotes ahead of time, like a nice memory of the married couple, something quirky about your life (“I’m an accountant, and you’d be surprised what people think can be written off!”), and my fail safe for these things – something about the travel to get to the event: “We took a direct flight but had to get up at 5am, what about you?”

      Remember, all the strangers there have multiple things in common with you: they are connected to the couple, they travelled to get there, they sat through the same ceremony. Ask about these things – lots of small talk options! If you have a funny story about your own wedding, that’s a great one to have up your sleeve.

      Drink lots of water, take lots of loo breaks, so you get a bunch of breaks. Have a friend at home you can send messages. Deep breathing helps calm the nervous system.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I actually find wedding socializing easier than any other, because you can always strike up a convo with “so how do you know the bride or groom” and that’s good for several minutes of exchange – much lower barrier than some of the social events I have to attend.

        1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

          Yes! And so many easy go-to statements, “Such a beautiful ceremony”, “I loved the flowers/dress/venue/flower dog”, “Your hat is so cute!”. Plus it’s very structured so there’s usually a sense of an agenda to work around.

          And with a large group of people = bound to be fellow introverts. Go find your people on the edge of the dancefloor. Ask to see what pictures they’ve taken, help people get drinks, find the older people comfy seats, etc.

    7. WellRed*

      Is it the skirt length that’s the issue or wearing a dress at all? Because how about a long fun skirt with a simple sweater or top? Think Sharon Stone at sone past awards show.

      1. Jenesis*

        So in a way it’s a combination of both? I don’t wear a lot of dresses in general, and I especially don’t like worrying about wearing a garment that could drag on the floor and trip myself (or other people). Before I saw the dress code, I was planning to wear the fancy dress that is my go-to “theatre/fancy party” attire, but that dress is above the knee and the couple’s wedding website specified “floor length dress or gown” in the dress code.

        1. Reba*

          Formal separates are a thing! I see quite a few options for palazzo pants out there, perhaps that’s something to look into. In a dressy fabric (chiffon, georgette, velvet) pPaired with matching silky or lacy top, since all one color reads more formal like “dress” than “pants and top.”
          Or you could look for a high-low hem gown, to fit the length requirement but perhaps feel more maneuverable.

          Good luck shopping!

    8. Pocket Mouse*

      Would you feel more comfortable in a suit? My advice is to feel absolutely free to wear a suit if that’s what suits you.

    9. My Brain is Exploding*

      palazzo pants? Long flowy ones clothes could read as a skirt. Ask for a job! Extra photos is a good one; going around and asking the guests how they met the bride and groom and
      writing that down might be one.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Oh, I really like that one about recording (by whatever means) memories of meeting the bride and groom. It gives you a conversational opener, a graceful exit, and a memento for the couple.

    10. Fellow Traveller*

      I worked for an opera company and our general director wore a very nice auit to everything. Maybe not the annual gala, but every other opening night party she was in a well made suit.
      So I think you can get away with “formal” by wearing a nice suit, or a black dress with a nice jacket.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Clothing: I would interpret this as “Not casual, and if you have been looking for a reason to go all out then run with it, you sparkly diamond.” Rather than requiring a long dress. If suits with trousers or skirts are a thing you wear then that would work. If knee length dresses are a thing you wear then I would recommend getting one in a solid color (e.g. Bibliovore’s Wool and Co merino dress) and adding a long sweater, scarf, or other “Look I made it dressier” bit. And I would pay attention to details–hair trimmed and neat, shoes in good shape–since that will push any look to seem like you put in more effort.

      Also if you know someone irl who is magically good at coordinating clothing, this is the time to throw yourself on their help.

      For the social anxiety, build in hourly-ish breaks. “I need to make it another 36 minutes, and then I can duck out to the loading dock.”

      1. velveteen rabbit*

        So, just in case you ever find yourself in a situation where you’ve been invited to a formal/black tie optional event: knee length is never appropriate for that dress code. Cocktail and semi-formal, sure, but the expectation for formal is full length skirts/dresses and suits. Black tie is one step beyond that, with tuxedos in the mix.

        1. velveteen rabbit*

          EDIT: I want to clarify that there’s no inherent expectation that all women will be in dresses/gowns, but if you decide to wear something with pants, whether that’s a suit or a jumpsuit, it should match the level of formality expected for men.

    12. office hobbit*

      The “formal wedding without a dress/skirt” struggle is so real. I did this a couple years ago and was struggling with outfits for months. Some outfit ideas:

      Pants:
      A. Fitted/structured at waist, then loose through the leg (anything from a loose straight leg, to what I think of as trouser style, to wide leg). This would be like a dressy professional pant.
      B. Long culottes, basically. Pant legs wide and drapey enough that they look very reminiscent of a skirt.

      Tops:
      A. Drapey, dressy blouse in a more feminine style.
      B. Silk shell or simple silky top with a blazer style jacket (nothing too office-y).
      C. Silk shell or simple silky top (sleeves no longer than elbow) with a stole.
      D. Silky button up shirt with something like a lapel-less blazer (a style of blazer/lightly structured jacket to counter the officey vibes of the button up).

      I think any of the tops could pair with pants A. Tops A or C could pair with pants B.

      I agree with the above suggestion that a jumpsuit would be a good option as well. Though note that if your torso is much shorter/longer than average it will be harder to find one.

      Simple jewelry would work with any of the tops; A or C would support larger/bolder jewelry.

      Do you wear heels? Heels, even low heels, pair great with wide/loose pants. If you’ll be in flats, something trimmer near the ankle may be an easier look.

      Sorry I don’t have any specific brands or shops! When I did this I shopped consignment stores (which saved me some money, probably, but certainly didn’t save me any stress or time!).

    13. Jenesis*

      Update: I did ask if a ladies suit would be okay and I was told yes! So there’s one option.

      I also really like the look of some of the palazzo pants I’m seeing online. I might even pick up a pair to keep after the wedding is over.

    14. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Even if you don’t smoke, act like one — go outside and take a smoke(less) break for 10 minutes every so often. Maybe you’ll meet the folks who do smoke. They tend to be friendly to others, especially in these days of smoking outside, where they may be thrown together with other smokers they don’t know.

    15. Llellayena*

      For some solo time, lean on the venue for help. I had a bridesmaid and a couple guests who were likely to get overwhelmed by noise and crowds so I checked with the venue if there was a spot they could wander off to and let my guests know about it ahead of time. You can speak to the venue yourself, once you know where it is, and they should be able to tell you where would be a bit quieter and out of the way.

    16. Zephy*

      No long dresses, but are you okay with shorter ones? If not, +1 suggestion for jumpsuits – there are tons of them out there, I’ve seen some at places like Marshall’s and TJ Maxx that would be acceptable at a wedding, even. Just do make sure you can get into and out of it on your own (like, if there’s a button or zipper up the back, can you reach to get it yourself or will you need help – the downside of the jumpsuit *is* that you do have to get more or less completely naked to pee, unfortunately).

      As for handling the extended social interaction with strangers: everyone in the room has in common a relationship with at least one half of the happy couple, so “how do you know Bride/Groom” is a perfect conversation opener. If you don’t know these people, that means you’re a fresh audience for every story about the bride and/or groom that the other guests have told a million times, and you probably have some stories that they haven’t heard.

    17. Esprit de l'escalier*

      How about a midi-length dress with sparkly costume jewelry or an elegant scarf to dress it up as needed? “midi dresses for weddings” is a thing that you can search for. I think that’s closer than a tunic-over-leggings to what they’re requesting.

      But that’s the other thing: a dress code is a way of indicating the degree of formality that the couple hopes to end up with. Get as close as you feel comfortable with, do whatever else you can and want to do to look dressy (hair, makeup, shoes, …) and don’t worry about it. The groom’s sister-in-law will not be the center of attention. Also, if your dress makes any other women guests who aren’t wearing formal gowns feel more comfortable about their own outfit, that would be a nice side effect.

    18. bringing kites to the picnic*

      I second the suggestion of taking lots of photos — it’s a great way to be both “a part” of the crowd and simultaneously “apart” from the crowd.

      And I agree that you’ll probably be able to get a lot of mileage out of a few light phrases used again and again with different people (praising the food and ceremony and people’s attire, asking people how they know the couple, or if you’re talking to a couple ask them about their own romantic story, etc).

      If you encounter a person like my grandmother, who could talk forever and barely even gave anyone else a chance to speak, linger with that person for as long as you’d like. Being near that person is like finding a long gentle downhill slope while bicycling — enjoy the opportunity to coast!

      Take lots of bio breaks, and they don’t have to be quick (unless there’s a line). You might even explore a few meditation/calming techniques now, so that if you need to, you can do a brief visualization or whatever while you’re in the stall. Another thing you can do now: assemble a photo album on your phone of pics that make you happy (your friend smiling, your dog, a favorite vacation memory, etc) and look at that album during a bio break.

      I also recommend having a couple of “in case of emergency” ideas. Hopefully you won’t need them. But if you get desperate for a few minutes alone, you can:

      “have to get something from the car” – (say that as you’re already starting to walk away, to reduce the likelihood that someone will ask what you’re getting and end up offering you the thing). Maybe you’ve got a slight headache and you’ve got aspirin in the car. Or maybe you’re starting to develop a blister on your heel and you’ve got a bandaid in the car.

      “get a phone call” – one way to do that is to set an alarm (vibrate only, or an alarm tone that sounds like it could be a ring tone) while you’re in the bathroom. 15 mins after you’ve rejoined the group post-bio-break, your phone will give you an excuse to step outside.

      Best of luck! I hope you get through the day with minimal stress, and maybe even have a few truly enjoyable / fascinating / sweet / funny interactions with people along the way!

    19. HBJ*

      What is the dress code really? Is it truly formal? Because a lot of weddings say that, and they end up essentially being “Sunday best”/“dressy casual”, maybe semi-formal at most.

      If it’s truly formal, then what others have said about jumpsuits, dressy pants, etc.

    20. Anon. Scientist*

      When we got married, both my mom and my MIL wore outfits with fancy pants. My mom is a short apple and his mom is tall and broad. I think they coordinated, but one wore complementary-colored taffeta top and bottom and the other wore a drapey matching top and bottom with a drapey light jacket. My mom’s outfit got reused for a formal wedding years later and she fit right in.

    21. WFH4VR*

      Get a fancy cocktail dress at a thrift store or Target. There’s no rule that says a fancy dress has to be floor-length.

    22. velveteen rabbit*

      I’m not sure what sizing you’re going for, but if you’re not plus sized then Rent the Runway has multiple *very* pretty formal/black tie jumpsuits available – and they’re extremely affordable since you’re just renting and not buying. My partner winds up at at least one or two gala events a year for work and loves clothes but we lack closet space so they’ve been using RTR for a few years at this point and have had great success overall – there’s been a couple of duds, but the hit to miss rate seems to be better than typical online shopping.

      I’m afraid the only advice I have about managing social anxiety is to stake out a place you can go for five or ten minutes when you just cannot take it anymore – I’ve even used a bathroom in a pinch. Ideally there’s an out of the way place I can hole up in with my phone for fifteen minutes so I can read a book or do a short guided meditation, but that’s not always possible. :/

    23. Goose Juice*

      Black tie optional does not mandate a floor length gown. Black tie does. Though it’s 2025, so almost no one adheres to or even knows formal dress codes anymore. Wear what makes you comfortable. The bride and groom will be happy you’re there to celebrate with them!

  25. How to show support*

    A regular weekend babysitter for our family has had a tough time recently. She was ill, had a car issue, and then was bitten by a stray and so became ill again and had to receive medical treatment. She works at our child’s daycare and is also in college. We had to give her weekend hours to our other sitter for the last three weeks. Previously she had been very reliable. Two questions: 1) Should we drop off a gift basket for her at the daycare? We gave her a gift card for holidays less than two months ago and it seems too impersonal to do that for this time. Would a gift basket of, say, skincare be good? Any other ideas? She wears perfume but I don’t know which kind. We don’t know her address so couldn’t send her anything. 2) The other babysitter is now preemptively asking to babysit both weekend days. (Originally she said she could do only one day). How do I keep her to one day without playing into a sense that it’s a competition? I don’t want to have tension with either babysitter because we live in a kind of rural area where it’s hard to hire sitters willing to drive out here. Thanks for reading, any advice appreciated.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      1) er, why? If you want to give her a gift because she’s having a hard time, I would think a gift that would make her hard time easier like a grocery or food delivery gift card would make more sense. Not sure what skincare would do, or perfume, to help.
      2) do you actually need a babysitter both days? If not, it seems you could just say that.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Yeah, money or money-equivalent is good, paired with a “hope this helps ease things in a rough time”-style message.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Someone you hire to do stuff (babysitting, yard work) is ideally situated for a cash gift. I would just do “Hey, I know it’s been a rough month and want to help” with an envelope with cash.

    2. Texan in Exile*

      No perfume, no skincare. She needs cash. Her income has been cut and she is paying for car repairs and medical bills. Cash cash cash. Like – if you can afford it, what she would have earned over the weekends for you.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes, this. Cash is more welcome in these circumstances than anything else–along with the reassurance that she hasn’t lost her gig.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      I’d do cash or a very usable gift card, like for groceries. Day care folks and teachers get way too much in the way of nice but not necessary gift cards, and gifts like candles. Giving a thoughtful card with it makes it personal enough.

    4. Zona the Great*

      Agree with others that it’s cash. As a former service worker, anyone who gave a gift that wasn’t cash was no longer on my favorite clients list. I once got a banana bread as a thank you and I wanted to chuck it off a bridge. It was very out of touch. I can’t pay my bills with tokens.

    5. :)*

      I think the intent of the gift basket to convey care is lovely, but money is going to be the best bet unless your daycare has policies around that. Including a heartfelt card with your well-wishes and something from your children (eg. drawings, a note, handprints, etc. depending on how old they are) can make a gift of cash feel more personal!

      That said, there is something nice about receiving a “luxury” type item that you wouldn’t buy for yourself when times are hard and you need to strip your spending to the bare essentials. Especially for students, who are always on tight budgets plus are currently facing down exams and whatnot, it can be comforting to feel a little extra cared for. I would probably stay away from skincare just because it can be so personal (scents, allergies, etc.) but a fancy candle (with matches), a snack/sweets basket, or perhaps a nutritious/easy-to-prepare foodstuffs basket may be well-received.

  26. Bookshop Q*

    So many readers and craft enthusiasts here, at least one of you must know: any pointers on framing a shopping bag? My fave bookshop just closed and they had artistic shopping bags. I saved one paper bag and plan a DIY job, hopefully not too spendy for materials and to minimize stuff I’d use only once. Or would this just look junky? Store had so many good memories.

    1. ArchAnon*

      Having never done this before here’s how I’d attempt.

      Cut off the “face” of the bag you want to frame so it is a flat piece. If it is not 100% laying flat, you can experiment to see if you can iron the material flat using a scrap cloth or pillowcase between the iron and paper. I recommend trying this on a scrap piece first.

      To elevate it’s appearance in the frame I recommend a frame a couple inches larger than the bag face in each dimension, with a white mat to make up the difference. Craft stores sell mats in precut sizes, so hopefully one of those work well.

      I’d dry run this all with a scrap bag first just to see if it works in a way you like

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Expanding on the first paragraph, save the entire bag (or two) so you can test out any ideas (ironing, glueing, layering) on a piece of the same material.

    2. Sigh*

      Art to frames . Com is fairly affordable as compared to other places, will make you exactly what you want, and their website may inspire you — even if you don’t order.

    3. Reba*

      You probably don’t need a shadow box frame since a paper bag is pretty flat! you can buy self-assemble Nielsen (metal) frames at an art supply store, who may be able to cut the glass or plex for you too. I have also ordered frames from American Frame dot com and been happy with them.

      I would glue the bag onto an archival mat or foamcore backing, using spray adhesive to minimize paper wrinkling. Or you could use a reversible linen tape hinge if you want to be fancy or are worried about compromising the paper bag with liquid glue. If the bag or handles are a bit thick, using a extra thick mat or invisible spacers (there are ready made peel and stick plastic ones, you would need to cut them to size) will hold the glass away from the bag.

      If there is a DIY framing place near you, you can cut the mat yourself, otherwise I recommend ordering it cut from American Frame or going matless with the spacers.

    4. HannahS*

      I had a handmade doily that I wanted to frame, and did it like this:
      -I bought a basic, minimalist black frame at Michael’s
      -I cut a piece of textured blue scrapbooking paper to fit in the frame
      frame
      -I lightly marked the centre with a pencil and carefully placed the doily in centred the doily
      -I assembled the frame; the pressure of the glass is enough to keep it in place
      It cost me eight bucks and has held up perfectly for 10 years so far.

      Honestly, don’t overcomplicate it! Buy or thrift a frame that you like (more minimalist or ornate/with or without a mat,) choose a nice piece of scrapbooking paper for the background, and just frame it. It will probably work better if you cut a “face” from the paper bag instead of smushing it flat.

      Also fyi, paper can be ironed if it it’s crinkled. You want low heat, no steam.

    5. Nihil Scio*

      Pre-made frames with mattes in them from Michaels or IKEA. Measure the picture on the bag and allow for 2cm around the edges, even if it’s over the fold of the bag. Measure the picture, allowing for about 2cm to show inside the matte before ordering. That inside measurement is a must.

  27. Lifelong student*

    In the last year, I have had to replace my washer, dryer, and refrigerator. In the last two weeks, I had to replace the modem and router for my internet which meant I no longer have the home network I had set up many years ago and now have to use a fancy password for things. Then my laptop died and I had to replace it. Fortunately, all my files transferred magically. However, my email now is not where is used to be and I lost all my calendar reminders. I certainly hope that the streak is at an end- coping with all this has taken a lot out of me.

    1. WellRed*

      If nothing else, the streak will end because everything has been replaced! And I hate having to use the new fancy passwords instead of my own.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I sympathize! I still need to replace my oven, my clothes dryer, and my mattress – and just finished getting repairs to my furnace, repairs to a roof leak, and new gutters. I do like having my own house but sometimes it feels like a money pit!

    3. Plaidless*

      Is there a pattern to how these things are failing?

      Asking because we learned the hard way that we needed a whole-house surge protector due to our small village’s wonky unreliable grid. Just protecting the computers and televisions individually wasn’t good enough. Surges took out our dishwasher’s circuit board, then our HVAC thermostat, then our aquarium filter. We got a super heavy-duty protector on the in-line from the street, and have been okay ever since.

    4. Bluebell Brenham*

      At one point I was joking about “all of the elastic on the house’s underwear going out at once” – we had a stretch where the fridge, washer and dryer all needed repair. We had the kitchen redone so now a few of our appliances are newer, but have still kept our very basic washer and dryer for quite a long time.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      What is it with electrical appliance conspiracies? They’re like one of those giant fungi that interconnect underground.

      1. Girasol*

        When our appliances all failed one after another, it turned out that our house electrical feed had been compromised. A hole in the plastic sheathing of the main cable let water in, the cable decomposed, and it appeared to have been grounding oddly. We found out when half the outlets in the house quit. The power company came out with flood lights and a backhoe and a dozen workers to dig up the cause. So at least one electrical appliance conspiracy is explained.

    6. Busy Middle Manager*

      I sympathize but at least appliances are somewhat easier to get in and out. It’s not like damage behind the walls, or needing to redo the electric or something.

      I currently have five home repairs pending. All small or medium in their own right, but it’s a bit overwhelming to think about and budget for and find someone to do. Not to mention how everyone (here at least) wants to do everything cash, it’s making me apprehensive to try someone new, and my past handyman is never available these days. I built a relationship with him where I was fine handing him wads of cash the last time he did flooring. I do not want to do that with a stranger though

    7. Middle Name Jane*

      You have my sympathies. My house is kicking my butt. I had to take out loans for the roof/gutter replacement and a super fun and expensive foundation repair and drainage improvements. In the last year, I’ve had to replace my water heater, washer, dryer, and garbage disposal. Everything aged out at the same time. I had savings, but it still sucked. My dishwasher quit too, but I haven’t had the mental energy to shop for a new one. It won’t kill me to hand wash dishes until I get in a better frame of mind. I’m begging my 1990s refrigerator and my 10+ year old HVAC system to keep going strong.

      I knew maintenance would be ongoing when I bought my house, but I feel so discouraged when I pay something off, only for another high expense to come along. Homeownership on a single income is brutal.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Oh dear, you just relived my 2023, adding the central A/C, my cell phone, the toaster and the microwave. My phrase for the year was “Will work for appliances” I’m so sorry! This too shall pass, I promise.

  28. StrayMom*

    Earlier this week, I was trying to send an email (Microsoft Outlook) and it was moved to my Drafts folder. I wasn’t able to forward the email from there – it kept creating duplicates in Drafts. This is a new issue, and it seems to be limited only to Outlook on my laptop – I can send emails from the same account from my iPad or my phone. Before I give up and call Microsoft service, I’d really appreciate any advice from any IT gurus in the commentariat! Thank you in advance for any suggestions!

      1. StrayMom*

        The emails do go away when I delete them, but when I try to forward them from Drafts, they don’t even show up in sent items.

    2. Sparkles McFadden*

      There is a known bug where this “drafts purgatory” thing happens when you are replying to (or forwarding) an email and you do something to the original before Outlook updates that the reply has been sent. So, if you send a reply and move or delete the original while the reply is still in the outbox stage of things, the new email gets stuck in drafts.

      I don’t know if this is the issue you’re experiencing but maybe this info will help you troubleshoot your issue.

    4. Crop Tiger*

      I’ve been having a problem where it says it hasn’t been sent, but it does a couple of seconds later. The not sent message doesn’t go away, though.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      Are you due to run any updates? If it’s a known bug, maybe an update will fix the issue?
      Good luck!

  29. Lets Do This*

    Anyone else in the US going to their state capital on Monday for the Presidents day protest? I’ve got my sign, stickers and action cards to hand out, sidewalk chalk, ID, phone (passcode locked), credit card, comfortable shoes, bottle of water and protein bars ready to go, anything else I should bring?

    1. sagewhiz*

      If you’re female, wear Depends! Super wealthy glam good freind of mine turned a bunch of us on to them when she & daughter went to Women’s Day protest in DC. Even without 500k women, there are never enough port-o-potties!

        1. velveteen rabbit*

          They recommend them for the same reason a lot of older women wear them – it’s an added layer of protection so that if something *does* happen while you’re standing in line or trying to find a bathroom you won’t soil your clothing.

    2. RagingADHD*

      My local Indivisible group will have a contingent at the federal building in our city, for those who can’t make it to the capital for whatever reason. So folks who happen to be too far from their capital but have a federal courthouse closer, you’ll probably find people there, too.

      I have never done this before, so I’m copying your list!

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If you don’t already know the local streets/geography, a printed/hardcopy local map, in case the local cell phone network gets overloaded.

    4. Maryn*

      Safe protesting tips from the ACLU

      Carry $100 cash.
      Carry 3 days of Rx in the original container(s). If you’re arrested, this should be sufficient.
      Add a password to your phone that no one can guess.
      Remove biometrics like facial recognition and fingerprints from your phone; cops can use them without your consent.
      Use a permanent marker to write phone numbers on your arm: family, attorney, a friend who’d come to your aid.
      Wear a medical-type mask for health protection and to minimize facial recognition from identifying you. Add sunglasses if the protest is during the day.
      It is legal to take photos or video of police officers performing their duties.
      Police can ask that you step away if you are interfering with them performing their duties, but they cannot demand you stop recording their actions.
      If you are recording the police, focus on officers who are engaged in misconduct. Make them clearly identifiable if possible, catching badge type, badge number, and name.
      Before sharing pictures or video online, consider consequences of showing other people present at the scene. Consider blurring their faces and other identifiers on a copy you share, retaining the original.
      If you are arrested, you have the right to ask why. You have the right to an attorney—ask for one immediately. You have the right to remain silent; use it.

      And this from me, cobbled together from many sources:
      No purse or backpack. Carry what you need close to your body.
      Put your ID in a zippered pocket or in your sock.
      Wear nondescript clothing that makes it difficult to ID you. Avoid all logos.
      Remove jewelry, which might ID you or disappear in police custody.
      Restrain long hair that can be pulled if things go south.
      If violence seems imminent, from the protesters or law enforcement, move to the side of the group as quickly as you can.
      If any protesters are armed, leave immediately.
      Carry a print map to find your way to your vehicle.
      Have a buddy system where you and others watch out for one another.
      Park well away from the protest site. Police may be recording vehicles and may set up roadblocks, logging each person who leaves the area.
      Consider a cheap burner phone; phones confiscated by police have a way of getting lost or damaged.
      Don’t wear contact lenses; some people say pepper spray and tear gas can melt them to the eye.
      Being safe is more important than anything else. Be aware of your surroundings, including other people, vehicles, law enforcement, ways to exit.

      2. I didn't say banana*

        You are not going to be able to keep medication if you’re arrested. Better to know your doctors name and address, your diagnosis, and exactly what medication you need to take.

    6. Popinjay*

      Just wanted to say thank you to you and everyone else who’s going! Those of us who can’t be there appreciate it.

  30. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    Any podcast recs from non-American sources? The vast amount of my pod feed are American shows, which are great, but I’d love to have more geographic diversity. Particular fan of thoughtful discussions of pop culture, movies, economics, personal stories, I like things that have strong structure/are well edited, not too much waffling discussions.

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      Try Q with Tom Power for excellent interviews. CBC (Canada). Guests include singers, writers, musicians. Canadian focus but other interviewees as well. Enjoy Tom’s slightly “Newfie” accent!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I am a fan of BBC Sounds’ Dead to Me, on history. One host, one historian, one comedian. I think it’s a good balance of hitting the history but allowing for the exploration of interesting side bars that arise organically.

      2. KathyG*

        Also on BBC Sounds is In Our Time. Everything from Philosophy, to History, to Science. Huge archive too.

        1. Mephyle*

          Seconding “In Our Time”. Tip: don’t necessarily choose episodes by how interesting the title seems. By listening to any and every episode, I’ve found that some of the ones that sounded entirely meh turn out to be the most fascinating.

    4. Tradd*

      ANYTHING from BBC Radio. The BBC Radio app is called BBC Sounds. They have a great American-focused podcast called Americast. I’m something of an Anglophile and follow UK news so I also find the Newscast daily podcast about (mostly) UK news very interesting.

      Also from BBC Sounds:
      You’re Dead to Me
      In Our Time
      Global News Podcast

      For business/econ – Wake Up to Money

    5. Amey*

      I live in the UK and like these things too! Here’s a few recommendations:

      Kermode and Mayo’s Take – very long running (used to be a radio show, now independent podcast) weekly film reviews. Mark Kermode is a well known movie critic here and likes a really wide range of things, banter between him and Simon Mayo is good.

      The Rest is Entertainment – with Marina Hyde and Richard Osman, both have lots of experience in different parts of the entertainment industry but down to earth and and can be really funny. Again, they have a really nice relationship and often have different takes on things so nice perspectives. Can sometimes be niche UK, but often not!

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        The Rest Is… series is generally a good shout – Rest Is Entertainment is my favourite but I’ve also learnt a lot from The Rest Is Money which is the economics podcast from that stable (with Robert Peston and Steph McGovern, both well respected UK financial journalists).

    6. Mephyle*

      One more from the BBC: “No Such Thing as a Fish”. Fascinating facts about anything and everything, delivered with absolutely non-annoying comedy.

    7. Clara Bowe*

      FYI, I like Pocket Cast app for this because it allows you to set a region. I switched to NZ/Aoteroa and have been inhaling the RNZ stuff. I quite like the Black Sheep podcast, but I lean towards history stuff. But! You can switch between countries and regions easily in the “search” area.

  31. Plaidless*

    Anyone use Elfa closet systems, or something similar?

    I’m redoing a tricky space that need extremely sturdy, but easily removable, storage. Doing it myself from scratch is not an option; I can install hardware but I’m not up for woodworking.

    Open to any brands.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Yes, I’ve used the Elfa shelving in a closet and in my laundry area. My projects were pretty straightforward – just shelves, no closet rod, baskets, etc. In both areas I used a top track, easy hang standards, and melamine shelves. I hung them all myself and it wasn’t too hard. I thought the hardest part was taking all the measurements and then figuring out what I needed. I’m lucky enough to have a Container Store near me, so I went there with my (crude) drawings and a list of what I thought I needed and they were very helpful.

    3. velveteen rabbit*

      I helped my best friend install the Elfa system in three different closets and I think it’s *wonderful*

  32. What Would You Do*

    My bff (of many decades) lives a six hour drive from me; flying between my house and hers requires two flights. I love her parents – they call me and my husband “the other kids.” Her dad, who has had a series of small strokes just went to the hospital with another, I think bigger, one. Hypothetical question: if her dad dies and the funeral is next Saturday…should we go? Our daughter and son-in-law are having a big family party (15 people from her side and 4 from ours) for our only grandchild’s first birthday that same day. (If we don’t go then probably one of the elderly relatives won’t go, either.) As an aside, I’ve always wondered how to balance some of the trickier dilemmas, like when you RSVP you will attend a wedding but after that a relative invites you to a wedding on the same day. Please chime in with your experiences of these types of choices or think up some convoluted ones for readers to contemplate.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      It’s hard. I would say that the grandchild is going to have lots of other birthdays (which they will remember more as they get older — they’re just one now and won’t remember a thing), but your BFF only has one funeral for her Dad. I know I SO appreciated the close friends who were there for me when I lost a parent and came for the funeral or afterwards.

      If you decide to do the party rather than the funeral, see if you can fly out for a few days to be with her afterwards — one of my friends stayed with me for 5 days after my mom died, even though she couldn’t make the funeral, and I will never forget her kindness in doing so.

    2. Pentapus*

      I would ask my BFF. maybe she’ll have enough people there supporting her that you’re not helping so much on that one day, and going to visit her every other weekend for the next two months is more helpful. maybe she’s an only child, with an unsupportive spouse and your help on funeral day is more helpful. Use your words, talk to her.
      If you want your elderly relative to go to the birthday party, and you choose to go to the funeral, does your husband have to go to the funeral? could he take the relative to the birthday? I’d probably opt for that one, knowing that it’s important for the elderly to see family, and you want to support your friend.

      1. cheap ass rolling with it*

        I think it’s overwhelming enough already for the BFF. To make a decision for OP would take mental bandwidth that the BFF doesn’t have.

        Also, out of politeness, the BFF may say “I don’t need you”, when actually the BFF does need her.

    3. Decidedly Me*

      Personally, I would go to the funeral. My best friend attending my dad’s funeral was one of the most supportive things to happen to me on that very hard day.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Things to ponder:
      Only grandchild’s first birthday is indeed a true one-off, while also something that will be important to the parents etc but not register at all with the kid. Like I can see this really mattering to me, or really mattering to my daughter, that I be there. Whereas if it was just a family get together to celebrate the start of March, I’d tend to go with the funeral.

      If you are close and your presence is a balm, it can be good to go after The Event. When the bereaved person is running out of Things On The List, and it really helps to have something to look forward to, and a new person to talk to. When my dad died it was a crunch time for my daughter at school, so she didn’t come that week, but about three weeks later. It was really good for her grandma to have that to look forward to–better than if she’d come when the rest of the family were there.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Yes, I feel like my daughter would not be mad at all, but would be sad to have 1 person from her side of the family and 15 from her husband’s side at the party.

        1. sarah*

          It’s OK for her to be sad. She’ll get over it. We’re talking about your friend’s parent’s death.

          It seems like you really don’t want to go to the funeral and if that’s the case, I guess own it but for me the friendship would not be the same if you skipped it for a family birthday party.

          2. velveteen rabbit*

            I fully agree with this comment. And not only is it her friend’s parent, it’s someone who loves her enough to claim her as his child – I would expect the relationship between my friend *and* my friend’s mother to change if I didn’t attend.

        2. Yikes Stripes*

          Your daughter would be sad if you miss the party.

          Your best friend and her mother (if she’s still alive) will be struggling with a deeply profound grief and you would be adding to that by skipping the funeral of someone who loved you and who you presumably loved in turn.

          In my opinion, not going to the funeral would be a betrayal of your friend and your relationship, and I am both dumbfounded and frankly appalled that this is something you’re even debating.

    6. Reba*

      My sister and my sister-in-law got married on the same day. Fortunately only about 3 hours’ drive apart, though in states where I don’t live. We divided and conquered: I attended the rehearsal dinner of my SIL, then left. We both attended our respective sibling’s ceremonies the next day. Then spouse left and drove to my sister’s party very late, so he could be there for the post wedding brunch the next morning. PHEW.

      Anyhow, for me a funeral is pull-out-all-the-stops to make it there.

      A dilemma would be if a funeral occurs on the day of a wedding you’re attending.

      2. California Dreamin'*

        I once had this dilemma where some very close friends of ours were getting married and I also had an aunt in another state that was terminally ill. As the date of the friends’ wedding approached, it became clear that the end was near for my aunt. I clearly remember thinking through the timing, like well, if she dies over the weekend, they might have the funeral on Thursday and then I could fly back before the wedding. And if she dies on Wednesday, maybe they’d have the funeral the next Monday and I could fly there after the wedding. But unfortunately she died on the one day that pretty much guaranteed I couldn’t do both things. In fact, I believe the funeral was on the same day as the wedding. I felt like my dad really needed me to be at his sister’s funeral with him (my parents were divorced so I was my dad’s one and only immediate family member), so I went there and my husband stayed home and went to the friends’ wedding. I was really bummed to miss it at the time, but I’d do anything for my dad. (I’m sure my uncle and cousins were also glad I was there, but they had so much local support that I wasn’t really contributing anything extra in that way.)

    7. Qwerty*

      I would go to the funeral. Or at least be there for the viewing and be support in the run up to the funeral – if that’s your plan, pack a bag now so you can leave very quickly.

      My childhood best friend’s mom died when I was in college, and it was a similar situation where I was considered one of their extra kids. The best friend of their other child was the same. While we both thought we were going the funeral to be supportive, we both realized that we needed to be there for ourselves and that it was our loss too. Being around our “other family” during that time helped with processing and saying goodbye.

      If your best friend’s mom is still around, that is person who will benefit the most from you being at the funeral. My best friend’s dad sent me a letter after the funeral – seeing the kids he and his wife “adopted” still show up and be part of the family was incredibly meaningful to him. I didn’t get to spend that much time with my actual best friend at the funeral, but was mostly with her extended family, all of whom felt very touched to have me there to share happy memories with.

      I know it would be rough to miss your grandchild’s first birthday. First birthday parties are more for the adults than the babies – no one remembers their first birthday. Most babies I’ve seen did not even like their first birthday party and were rather cranky for half of it because it messed with their routine. Maybe plan a small get together of you / your spouse, your daughter / son in law / birthday baby right when you get back? You may need baby cuddles to feel better after that trip. And start planning now about alternate transportation for the elderly relative so someone can get them there if you aren’t able to.

    8. Saturday*

      Agree with others that it would be best to try to go to the funeral. It’s unfortunate that it might be on the day of the other event, but funerals are often something you can’t plan for.

    9. WellRed*

      It’s unlikely the funeral will get scheduled that fast. He’s not even dead yet and arrangements and scheduling take a few days, believe me (yes, I know it can be done and certain religions require it). If that does happen, please don’t ask your friend if you can skip the funeral for a party. I mean, say that out loud to yourself and see how it feels. Not good.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that death is often unpredictable and also I’ve been surprised in the past by the span of time between the loss and the funeral. I think it varies by family / customs. Hopefully OP won’t be in the position of having to decide. I would choose the funeral because those people are more in need of the kindness, whereas a happy occasion can be celebrated without me.

    10. Cordelia*

      Couldn’t your husband go to the birthday party, taking the elderly relative, and you go to the funeral?

    11. What Would You Do*

      A bit more info: we live in the north so I don’t really want to drive in winter weather by myself. It’s a bit less about the actual party but that hardly anyone would be there from my daughter’s side of the family if spouse and I go and then elderly relative doesn’t go. (The other person would be basically coming from the opposite direction of where elderly relative lives.) OOOPS I SEE AN ERROR…15 people from HIS side of the family and 4 from OURS!

      2. Cordelia*

        the other option is 2 flights, you said? Can’t you do that instead then, if the problem is the driving? And let your husband take the relative to the party. Your daughter presumably knows your friend and how close you are, she’ll understand surely.

    12. Oink*

      I’m going to have a slightly different perspective here. It sounds like you’re posting because the first birthday is really important to you and in your heart you’d rather attend the birthday than incur the inconvenience of travel to this hypothetical funeral.

      I want to say it’s okay to not want to go to the funeral. You clearly enjoyed a close relationship with the friend’s dad in his life. I’m a firm believer in doing your best when a person is alive and that’s what matters most. If the situation were reversed and someone you cared for opted not to travel to your funeral to instead attend a significant event for them that gave them joy – would you understand or feel bitter?

      However, if I chose to skip the funeral, I would go out of my way to make it up to my friend. I would organize a separate trip to see my friend immediately after the funeral, bring her food every day, clean her house, and do all of her gardening while she’s grieving. It would be my way of saying I love you and support you in a different way even if I chose not to attend the funeral.

      If I didn’t attend the funeral and also do nothing to “make up” for my absence, I would accept this was a bad friend move and be prepared to incur her wrath.

      1. What Would You Do*

        I am conflicted because if I go to the funeral, spouse will have to go with me (winter states’ driving) and then elderly relative won’t go and then my daughter will be having this party for all of her husband’s relatives and only one person from her side.

        1. Reba*

          I understand your concern for your daughter, but do you really think she would not understand? Or that she would not be resilient to some awkwardness at a child’s party? Of course I don’t know your family situation, but I think your concern about this seems overblown.

        2. Jenesis*

          Does your area have at all reasonable public transportation that you could use to at least get into your friend’s city (then get a carpool from the bus/train station to the funeral)?

          Also–what does your husband want to do? (It sounds like you two might have been close to the deceased if they referred to you as their “other kids”?) Would he also want to go to the funeral as a mourner, or would he just be your support person/driver?

          If you don’t attend the birthday party, would it be possible for your daughter to mentally reframe it as a His Side Family party, then have a My Side Family party on a different day? If it’s purely a numbers thing, 4 people vs 15 people is going to feel lacking even if all of you show up. (This is how I ended up having three wedding receptions – I didn’t want to invite all 200+ of Husband’s relatives when my side has maybe a tenth of that, so we had a micro wedding with only immediate family and friends, then his parents and my parents threw their own separate family parties.)

        3. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It sounds like you’re looking for permission to skip the funeral. If you don’t want to go to the funeral, or you’d rather go to the party, then make your choice. You just have to understand that there will be consequences either way, and it’s up to you to weigh those consequences. It sounds like you are very close to this friend and her family, this is a difficult occasion where, for most people, the support of friends and family is a great comfort. I don’t know your friend, obviously, and I don’t know your relationship with her– if you miss it, will it hurt her? Will it have a negative impact on your friendship? It might. Only you can decide if that’s ok with you. If you simply do not want to go to the funeral, you are allowed to feel that way. But if I were in your shoes, and I chose not to go, I would work hard on making sure you do everything possible for your friend from a distance.

          The argument that you should also go to the birthday party because the numbers will be uneven… same thing. Do you want to attend your grandchild’s birthday party? Is that more important to you than the funeral? Make your decision based on what you want and what you think is right, not because you think not attending will make things awkward. I’m with Reba here too– do you really think your daughter wouldn’t understand?

          1. Emma*

            This. If you want to skip the funeral, you can. But your friend will notice. It may affect your friendship.

            If someone close to me didn’t attend a funeral because they had a fun party to go to instead (despite uneven family numbers), I would be hurt.

        4. Roland*

          Tone is hard over text so want to clarify this is all meant in kindness. And I’m sorry for your loss.

          I totally understand wanting to be at the party, but I don’t think the reasons you list are compelling reasons to skip a funeral. Your son in law’s family is also your daughter’s family, and certainly it’s your granddaughter’s family. “Even numbers” are just not that important. Your granddaughter will have other birthdays. Your daughter loves you and will understand. You can give your older relative a ride over another weekend – your granddaughter is 1, she won’t mind the date.

          As others have said, ultimately this is your choice. It’s ok to admit that you WANT to go to a nearby party more than a far-away funeral, most people would. And if that’s the choice you end up making, it doesn’t make you an irredeemably terrible person or anything, but I do think your friend is likely to feel let down.

        5. Qwerty*

          Genuine question – what is wrong with your daughter having a party with the family she acquired through her husband? That’s her family now too. Is this a concern that she has raised or something that you are projecting? Are you worried that people are going to judge you for going to a funeral over attending the party?

          I’m struggling to understand why there needs to be a divide. Growing up every birthday party I had was 20+ people from my dad’s side and 0-1 from my mom’s. I ended up being closest to the elderly relatives who couldn’t make it but we’d have a private moment at the next gathering and the out of town relatives who never could fly in. Today, almost every gathering for my niblings is all “my side” of the family because of scheduling/distance with my brother in laws relatives but no one is taking count because my sister’s husband is 100% integrated into our family. So your daughter should be able to handle one party where her parents are at a funeral, and if anyone has something rude to say it’ll reflect more on them than on you or your daughter.

          Can anyone from your son in law’s family help with transporting the elderly relative? The great part about increasing family size is there are more hands to help!

        6. Emma*

          I have young kids. Sometimes only one side of the family attends patties, due to whatever reason. It’s a little sad, but in the grand scheme of things it’s ok.

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      When we got married, good friends of ours could n’t make it because they had an international work trip that was unavoidable. They sent us a gift and a note that read, “We are sorry we can’t be there for your wedding, but we are very excited to be there for your marriage.”
      I think about that a lot.

    14. Bluebell Brenham*

      Hopefully they won’t be the same day, but I think I’d choose the funeral. Think about 5 years from now when you look back – would you regret skipping a first birthday party that much? If almost no one from your side of the family is coming, would your daughter be ok with an additional 13 month party or 1.5 birthday party? Also, why are the numbers so unequal – is there a reason that date isn’t working for your side? Also adding that first grandchildren usually end up with lots of celebrations and gifts, but in most cases, other grandchildren will come along too, and there will be parties for them.

    15. fhqwhgads*

      It’s hard. If it were me, I’d probably decide this way:
      This person will not have another funeral.
      This child will hopefully have many more birthdays.

      So I’d go to the funeral.

    16. HannahS*

      I would 100% absolutely show up for the funeral. I feel strongly that mourners need their community and friends around them, and missing a funeral is a lot more hurtful than missing a birthday party. Your child will still have a nice party for your grandchild without you, and you’ll be at future events.

      1. Many seasons*

        What if the funeral is not at the same time, would you still go? Winter driving is no fun. I find funerals overwhelming so many people so much emotion so many feelings. So my instinct would be to not go to the funeral and show support afterward to the friend / family. I know people who said the long quiet feeling of life after funeral without the special person around seemed worse after all the funeral business so a planned thing after funeral seems like a nice idea. However A second party for those on your side is perfectly easy since kiddo will not know what day it is and might even be more fun w o so many people around. At the end of the day I’d probably imagine being in both places and seeing which felt the most important to me personally.

        1. sarah*

          If my best friend missed my parent’s funeral because “winter driving is no fun,” I don’t think I’d ever get over that. Funerals aren’t for fun. They’re because your person needs you there.

          1. Bella Ridley*

            Same. If a best friend missed my parent’s funeral because winter driving sucked, or it was “too emotional,” or because the numbers of family would be off at a child’s birthday party? I would not forgive them. I would not continue a close friendship.

        2. Kay*

          Uh – life can be overwhelming sometimes, but opting out because it isn’t fun to get there or there weren’t going to be very many of “our side” at the party being held at the same time, or there were lots of feelings? Just typing that out is… oof.

          Think about how you would feel if your bff or husband decided to use one of those excuses in your time of need. I imagine your friend is going to need you to be there for her long past the funeral, just as you probably would hope they would be there for you if you needed it.

        3. velveteen rabbit*

          I’m going to be very blunt here: it would be the end of a decades long friendship if my father died and my best friend who he’d considered to be another child didn’t attend the funeral because of wanting to avoid a six hour long drive or (horrors) a layover on a flight.

          There are many valid reasons to miss a funeral – for example, my cousin was deployed in an active war zone when our grandmother died. Prioritizing ones own discomfort with winter travel is not one of those valid reasons.

    17. RagingADHD*

      I would go to the funeral because a 1 year old isn’t going to know if you were there or not, and this is a celebration, not a crisis.

      Your friend and her mom need support.

    18. Not A Manager*

      If the birthday is an important event – in my family honestly it wouldn’t be, but I understand for some people it’s different – then I’d send my spouse to the birthday and I’d go to the funeral.

    19. Camelid coordinator*

      I am usually team Go to the Funeral, but lately I have been reflecting on how the era when kiddo was little was this magical time when we were all healthy. I have fond memories of kiddo’s first birthday and remember how important having a nice party was to my dad. Now I’ve had cancer and the older generation has all kind of medical trouble, and I’d love to have that time back. When my mother died suddenly I was very sad none of my friends come come to the service but I’d still lean towards the party and supporting your friend in other ways later.

    20. Kaleidoscope*

      None of my family attended my kids 1st birthday either online or in person (we live overseas).*
      I had an ex boyfriend behave badly 18 years ago at my mum’s funeral and still remember.

      *can you do online instead of you were away? just to say hi, as 1yo’s aren’t known to be fond of video chats.

    21. Morning Reader*

      I am on the “go to the funeral” side, generally, but I think the winter weather on the day of the funeral, or rather the travel day to the funeral, should be the deciding factor. And if you don’t go, due to weather, I like the idea of attending remotely or visiting to be a support to your friend after. Don’t drive if it’s snowing and the roads are bad, don’t if it’s under 10 degrees. These are legit reasons for missing a funeral. As for asking whether it’s ok to miss an event, talk to your child and explain reasons you might have to miss the grand’s birthday. It’s less fraught to tell your kid you’re missing her event than to suggest to your bff you might miss her father’s funeral.

    22. Anon. Scientist*

      Yeah, if you physically can’t go to the funeral, that’s one thing. But if if I were in your friend’s place and you skipped out on supporting me at one of the worst times in my life for a party just to keep the numbers up, you would not be my friend any more – you would be an acquaintance that I used to be close to.

      When I got married and my long standing “best friend” couldn’t be arsed to make it (had a truly lame excuse and she was flying all over at the drop of a hat for others), that was a tipping point for me. She’s a lovely person who just doesn’t care enough to put in effort for this particular relationship. I am still friendly but I accept her for what she us and we will never be emotionally close. Meanwhile, I did have a room full of people who loved and supported us.

    23. Emma*

      “My bff (of many decades) lives a six hour drive from me; flying between my house and hers requires two flights. I love her parents – they call me and my husband “the other kids.””

      Yes, go to the funeral. The 1 year old will not remember their birthday, or even understand what’s going on- it’s more for the parents.

      Talk to your kid in advance. If it comes to pass, do something special with your kid to celebrate their kid (and your kid’s first year of parenthood!) at another time.

    24. Saturday*

      If so many people are coming from your son-in-law’s family, would one be able to pick up your elderly relative? I know they may not know each other well, but certainly if I were asked to help out by driving in this situation, I would be happy to.

    25. Isabel Archer*

      TL;DR – Does your friend matter to you? Go to the funeral.

      I hate that I have personal experience with this situation, but I do. My best friend of 30 years (lives in Arizona), told me she couldn’t attend my mom’s funeral in New Jersey because it was the same day as her granddaughter’s 16th birthday party. I was gobsmacked, and told her so. When I asked if she could come out on the following day, she said no, because her two younger granddaughters had a dance recital. Note that none of this was code for not being able to afford the travel or not being able to get time off from work — she had plenty of both. I hung up on her, spluttering in disbelief and fury. She sent flowers for the service, and that was that. No card, no calls, no texts. We never spoke again.

      1. Anoon*

        I’m so sorry. I am in my 40s now, but I think back to decisions I made in my 20s and 30s and I regret missing some important events due to things that seemed important at the time– I missed friends’ weddings because “we have been to 6 weddings this year [and are out of money, time, energy].” Mostly I regret missing family funerals as I live on the opposite US coast, two plane rides and a roadtrip away and tickets were $600 and it would be so last minute to miss work and do I bring the kids (for 1200$ more dollars!) or leave them home? And my mother, saint that she is, always said, it’s ok, people will understand if you can’t be here. But, I really, really regret it. I wish I had shown up in those moments. I’m sorry your friend was not there for you. Maybe she regrets it, too.

        1. Isabel Archer*

          Thank you. I wonder if I’d have been less devastated if it *had* been a time/funds/childcare issue for her, as it would have been in our 20s. But knowing it definitely wasn’t made me feel even worse. I hope she regrets it every day.

    26. velveteen rabbit*

      My best friend’s father passed away two years ago after a long battle with a degenerative disease. I’ve only known her for two decades as opposed to your many decades, but, much like you, I’m part of their family and they’re part of mine – her mom is my Other Mother and he was Daddio. I would never have been able to live with myself if I’d missed his funeral.

      If the worst happens, go support your friend and say goodbye to someone you’ve loved for decades. I don’t understand how this is even a question; your grandchild won’t remember this birthday but your friend will absolutely remember your support in her time of grief and loss.

  34. My Brain is Exploding*

    For quite a while now, our washcloths have been stiff. They are the same fabric content as the towels (100% cotton), and the towels are fine! We don’t use fabric softener. What can I do to fix this? The Queen of Clean recommended a soak in diluted cheap hair conditioner but that didn’t help.

    1. Maryn*

      I had the same problem and tried so many things to restore the washcloths to normal, but nothing helped. The best results–not fully satisfactory–were from soaking it overnight in one gallon of warm water mixed with one cup of white vinegar. In the morning, rinse and launder as usual. The washcloths were less stiff, presumably some of the mineral deposits removed, but still a bit stiff and slightly discolored. (My towels are white.)

      The other vinegar method, which I didn’t try, says to mix one cup white vinegar and ½ cup water. Heat in microwave. Soak washcloth overnight, then launder without detergent. I didn’t have a container in which I could do that; it would have to be flat and about the size of the washcloth.

      If you consider yours ruined, it’s worth a try. I ended up replacing my thick white washcloths with cheap ones from Target. At least they’re white and don’t stand up on their own.

    2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Hmmm.
      Have you changed how you dry them? I would expect a tumble dryer to make the fabric less stiff than hanging the washcloths to dry. Also if you hang them to dry, a nearby heater might wick the moisture quickly from the fabric and make them stiffer that way?
      When putting them away, I would probably crunch each washcloth up a bit and then straighten it out again. That might break up the stiffness somewhat.
      Maybe soaking them in some vinegar before the wash would also soften them a bit? And has your water supply maybe changed to harder water???
      (Just guessing wildly here, sorry)

    3. Reba*

      What products do you use? I have the same issue and I think it’s related to soap + hard water + your washcloths get a lot more contact with skin cells and so on. Even body washes (meaning, not soap) while not creating soap scum, still have oils, conditioners, things that are nice for your skin that need to be washed out of the cloth.

      A hot pre-soak or pre-wash seems to help me with this issue. If they are seriously built up, try laundry stripping. This is not something you should need to do regularly, but it is kind of a fun/gross chore.

      Definitely not the hair conditioner, which is substituting for fabric softener and adding a coating to your fabrics. My theory is that you have deposits in the fabric and need to wash more effectively, not add more stuff.

      1. Indolent Libertine*

        Another hand up here for “residue of something still in the fabric.” Seconding the recommendation for pre-soak and/or pre-wash, and if your washing machine has an “extra rinse” cycle I’d use that for those loads from now on.

        The current batch of washcloths might not be worth the rescue effort, though. You can always downgrade them to car washing or floor scrubbing duty, and get new ones that you wash super thoroughly from now on.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Sometimes I use a vinegar and water mixture (about half and half) to get rid of smells in towels. I’d probably try that for stiff towels, but to be honest, I don’t know for sure if that would work.

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I’m thinking the difference may be that towels just get water on them when you use them, whereas washcloths may have soap or other skin cleansers rubbed onto them for use. So you could try soaking the washcloths on a bucket of water before washing them, to help disperse whatever products are on them.

    6. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      No solution but glad to know I’m not the only one. It’s so weird. Happens whether I dry them in the dryer, where I use a couple of wool balls that should knock any stiffness out of them, or on the clothesline in summer.

    7. WFH4VR*

      Run them through a separate hot wash with a few cups of white vinegar, a cup of baking soda, and no detergent. It sounds like they’ve become saturated with soap that isn’t rinsing out.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Baking soda and vinegar cancel each other out. I would go with just vinegar and hot water and nothing else, because if it’s not a build-up of skin oils, then I completely agree: it’s probably soap that isn’t rinsing out completely.

  36. Oink*

    During my last therapy session I mentioned my grandma was not in the best health. My therapist said I should ask my grandma lots of questions about her childhood and record it.

    I paused and said I didn’t want to do this. It feels very much like “final conversations” before her death. What comforts me more is hanging out with her like normal, watching her favorite shows together, and gossip about her annoying neighbor.

    Aside from this, I’ve already asked her a lot about her childhood – although I’m sure she has more stories, I don’t feel like I’m lacking in information. In fact, I probably have more than most people. Also adding my grandma has a lot of tragedy in her past that I don’t necessarily want to make her revisit at this stage of her life.

    My therapist insisted this is something I should do anyway and spoke at length about how she did this with her then elderly, now deceased members of her family and how precious those recordings were. I acknowledged they must be precious but this wasn’t something I felt I had to or even want to do. Even thinking about it made me feel depressed and overwhelmed.

    My therapist then said I would regret not doing this after my grandma dies. I was very much taken aback by this comment and it was the end of our session so I left it and came home. This comment has upset me more than I realize at the time. I keep questioning if I’m doing something wrong by not wanting to record my grandma talk about her childhood. I genuinely don’t want to. I feel distressed even thinking about it. But the therapist’s comment that I’d regret it later keeps playing in my head.

    1. Rara Avis*

      You get to choose how you spend your time with your grandmother. It sounds like you have had those conversations. I don’t think you’ll regret the time you spend in activities you enjoy doing together. It sounds like your therapist is projecting her own choices onto you.

      1. Zweisatz*

        +1 YOUR THERAPIST would have regretted not doing this and is projecting.

        A therapist should hear you out, they can suggest things and share their reasoning, but I’m put off by her making definitive statements about YOUR feelings – especially as your reasoning sounds very sound to me.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Seriously. I had a therapist who insisted I needed to join a particular discount theater program because that is what SHE would have done. You do you, and maybe think about getting a therapist who doesn’t project her own needs, wants, and feelings on you so much.

    2. Maryn*

      I think for the therapist, having this conversation with her elderly family member was the right thing to do. That does not mean it’s right for you, especially when these questions are going to trigger unhappy memories for your grandmother.

      If you feel you have sufficient information about her earlier life, then it’s fine to disagree with your therapist’s take on what action is right and how you’ll feel about it later. Therapists make suggestions, not issue orders.

      It’s fine to enjoy your grandmother’s company just as she is now rather than plumbing past events that include tragedy. I think that you’ll look back at time happily spent together with fondness and no regrets.

      Say hi to her from all of us, okay?

    3. Lifelong student*

      Precious to her perhaps- but what was the effect on the elderly memebers of her family who may not have wanted to recall things from the past. Take your direction from your gram- not your therapist.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Exactly. My paternal grandfather had to flee Nazi Germany, and it took him over fifty years to go back even for a visit. It wasn’t an exciting story to him, it was a terrible and personal trauma.

    4. Undine Spragg*

      Sounds like your therapist is projecting. Would you cherish the recordings if you had them? Probably. Are they worth sacrificing your precious time of ordinary closeness for? Not for you. This is almost an example of mistaking the Instagram post for the experience.

      If you should do anything, you should tell your therapist next time that you were uncomfortable with her pushing you to do this. It’s more important that you find the way *you* need to let go than that you do the thing your therapist says is right. If she apologizes, all good, everyone’s human. If she doubles down, she’s not the right therapist to help you through this moment.

    5. Pearl Puffin*

      If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t do it. Just because it was comforting to your therapist doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. I like that you are enjoying your time with her and not making things uncomfortable. Hope you have many more years with your grandma.

    6. LBD*

      The only conversations that I think would be precious to you if recorded would be conversations with her gossiping about her annoying neighbour. And it seems that you have those memories building anyways, so keep on valuing the time that you do spend with her for what it means to both of you right now.

    7. HannahS*

      To my mind, it’s not generally a therapist’s job to tell a client what’s best for them. A therapist’s role is different based on the modality of therapy, but most modalities of therapy are either the therapist helping the client/patient develop insight, or supporting change by helping the client/therapist develop new skills. Or generally some combination of those two things.

      It’s very odd to me that your therapist would tell you that your feelings are wrong because she made a different choice in her personal life. That sounds like a conversation between two friends, not between a professional and their client/patient.

      I wonder if your therapist has had limited training, or is perhaps inexperienced. Personally, I think your feelings make a lot of sense, and I wouldn’t worry about it. In

    8. RagingADHD*

      I think you should address with your therapist her lapse of judgment and professional distance in projecting her own feelings about her own family onto you, and particularly the inappropriateness of her trying to manipulate you with guilt, which is what “you’ll regret it” is.

      I think this needs to get addressed as a fairly significant breach in the therapeutic relationship, because it could be hard for you to trust her unless she understands why this was inappropriate and knows how to separate her own feelings. She may need to unpack it with her own therapist.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Uh, no. If your grandmother wanted a record, that would be one thing. But it sounds like your therapist is trying to justify her own choices through you regardless of what your actual relationship with her is like or what she might want to recall now.

      My mom passed recently and I am frankly glad I don’t know every last thing about her life. Not because she was awful or had a bad history or anything, but because a lot of it was deeply personal, hers, not mine to pick over.

    10. WS*

      This is obviously a sore point for your therapist, but that doesn’t mean she should be unprofessional with her patients about it. Is she otherwise a good therapist, or is this kind of personal projection something that happens on other issues?

    12. sagewhiz*

      Having spent 20+ years as a professional personal historian (among other things) listen to yourself, do NOT listen to your therapist! The end stage of life is not the time to take someone back to traumatic childhood/youth memories. In fact, we PPHers urge family members to never, ever press an elder who’s had trauma in early life to tell their life stories, as it dredges up much that should never be addressed without a very good therapist on standby. Which neither you nor we PPHers are qualified to do, and your so-called therapist is not, either!

    13. Dancing Otter*

      Maybe you and your grandma would be more comfortable with less personal, more oral history type questions. “What was it like before XYZ?”, where XYZ is something that was new within her lifetime.

      Things that are history to us were current events to our parents and grandparents. Does she remember desegregation, key parties, Sputnik and the space race, the Kennedy assassination, bra-burning, the birth control pill, Roe v Wade, the draft, Vietnam war protests, the fall of Saigon, Watergate and Nixon’s resignation? What did she and her friends think about these events when they happened? What does she think, looking back at them now?

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I like this thought. Usually when I talk to my 82-year-old dad about his life, it’s generally things like what he did when the moon landings happened, or the time he saw The Who when they were still playing students’ union bars, or when Bob Dylan was a new musician, or the Kennedy assassination, or Carnaby Street, homosexual law reform, or (because he’s a political and war history buff) the parallels of fascist regimes. It’s not ‘tell me about the worst breakup you had’ ‘how did you propose to mum’ or ‘your worst life choices’ because none of that is any of my business and, frankly, not as interesting to me.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          When I was in primary school, I interviewed my maternal grandparents about their experiences in WWII. Even as a child I found that so interesting, and like you say it wasn’t quite so personal but I still got an insight into what was going on in their lives. The tape is still somewhere at my parents’ house and even though we haven’t listened to it in years, it’s lovely to have that record of their memories (and their voices).

    14. Cordelia*

      I think your therapist is in the wrong, and I am concerned about their skills and professionalism. Do they often tell you what they themselves did in their personal lives and say you should do the same thing? Because this isn’t really how therapy is meant to work!

    15. Morning Reader*

      You don’t need to interview/interrogate your grandmother if the idea does not appeal. I will suggest, if you are at all inclined to record her voice for future memory, just ask her if you can turn your phone recording on sometime when you’re having a regular hangout. That would be even better, in my opinion, than a formal record.
      Some fun recordings in my past: an old friend has a cassette tape of our little friend group, freshman year, on a regular afternoon just talking (mostly talking over each other.) Then I have a video recording of my family at Thanksgiving in the late 80s, when I’d borrowed a camcorder from school for a project. It’s nothing special, has my sibs and dad hollering playing scrabble, my mom yelling don’t point that thing at me.
      I’m not listening to these things all the time but I like having them. We focus so much on pictures but when people are long gone, it’s nice to remember their voices as well as their images. Even if they are having completely ordinary conversations.

    16. Anon. Scientist*

      Yeah, this feels like a suggestion from someone who has not dealt with real trauma in their life.

      My grandmother lost her older sister in a house fire that she survived. Spouse’s grandmother lost a young child and afterward didn’t care to engage with very young children. Almost all of the men in my family were in the military and engaged in active combat. To a person, they are not interested in revisiting the past. It would be ridiculous and counterproductive for me to push them on discussions that they are patently not interested in.

    17. Evvy*

      Maybe this is because I’ve been working with a therapist who has a very non-prescriptive style (she will generally not tell me what to do—even when I fish for it!) but I don’t trust therapists who try to tell their clients exactly what to do. That to me is not what therapy is about! Being in therapy should not make you feel beholden to please your therapist or do what they think is right, it should make you feel more empowered to make your own decisions about your life.

    18. Bay*

      I agree with others that your therapist is projecting and out of line, and that your knowledge of yourself and your grandmother is leading you well.
      I have been surprised by how much I’ve forgotten from the last chapters of my grandparent’s lives. I wish I had journaled at the time– maybe you could enjoy writing some very vivid paragraphs about how it feels to spend time with your grandmother now? Not while you’re visiting, but afterwards? It doesn’t have to be a ‘the end is nigh!!!’ thing, it can be lovely to do with any fresh memory you want to preserve

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      I am on team Not Agreeing With Your Therapist in a big way. You know your grandmother and what constitutes nice, loving time together. This is YOUR call, not your therapists. I feel like she’s really overstepping here.

    20. Saturday*

      I think your therapist was way, way out of line here. She should be accepting that different people have different reactions to things. Even if you were to make a recording, who is to say that it would be precious to you in the same way hers is?

      And if your grandma wants to pass on more memories to you, she will do it. But probably not in such a deliberate way, probably just in the course of one of your visits.

      “What comforts me more is hanging out with her like normal, watching her favorite shows together, and gossip about her annoying neighbor.” This sounds like a much healthier and happier way to navigate this relationship right now, and I think these memories will be a comfort to you. I think your instincts are exactly right, and you should continue to just let you and your grandma enjoy this time together!

    21. Shiny Penny*

      I am seeing lots of red flags here re the therapist’s appropriateness. Like, not just a suggestion that didn’t fly for you, but additional pressure after you did a soft decline, and then using her own personal experience as the “reason” why she should pressure you to go against your own gut? Yeah. “Unsafe! Unsafe!”

      I had a great relationship with my gram. I was personally involved in her daily care for well over a decade. We *lived* our love for each other every day.
      I have known people (like your therapist?) who ***were not close*** to their elderly relative, and have difficult feelings about that (guilt? resentment?) and therefore seem to want to engage in “artificial intimacy” like taped interviews and recorded structured encounters with their elders. The “performances” seem to make the younger person feel able to say,”See? I AM connected to my elder!” But the elder feels othered, and awkward, and uncomfortable— and why would someone think that’s ok? The personal experiences of our elders are not a resource to be exploited. If you hang out with your elder enough, they will tell you the stories they enjoy telling, and THAT is the authentic experience!

      It sounds to me like you already have a real, living connection with your grandma. Nothing can take that from you. I still miss my gram, but I miss our daily loving connection. I do not miss not having a tape of a structured interview with her.

    22. velveteen rabbit*

      My Gran lived with us until I was 14 and I was her caregiver for the last decade of her life. I knew her better than anyone else in the family and spent up to six hours a day with her, seven days a week, for the last year and a half before she passed.

      I felt very much the way that you do. She’s been gone four years and I desperately wish that I had any video footage of her. I have three voicemails she left me and that’s all the audio we have of her. I cannot tell you how much my mom and I regret our choices and how much we wish we could go back in time and just film her opening birthday presents or Mother’s Day cards or literally anything. You don’t need to follow your therapist’s advice if you don’t want to, but I would encourage you to maybe have some recordings, somewhere, because losing your loved one’s voice is horrible.

    23. londonedit*

      Yeah, it’s your choice. In my family there’s definitely a sense of regret that we didn’t speak to them more about their earlier lives, but they were of the generation that lived through and served in the second world war, and it just wasn’t the done thing to talk about it. My dad always wanted to speak more to his parents about their experiences, but like you, he felt it would seem too much like ‘tell me about this before you die’, so he didn’t do it. And I feel the same with my parents, who are heading into their late 70s – I don’t feel like I suddenly want to be all ‘let’s talk about the past’ because it feels too much like saying ‘so, you’re probably going to die at some point, tell me about your childhood’.

      If it happens organically, then that’s one thing, but if not and you’re not comfortable bringing it up, then that’s your choice. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

  37. Sell or not?*

    Privileged question here- recently decided to try and get rid of a particular company in my retirement investments (I’m v near retirement age). Financial advisor pointed out that it would incur a reasonably hefty capital gains tax if he sold the mutual fund that contains that stock. Am trying to decide whether I just sell it all now or if I try to give away as much as I can afford to toward causes that are opposed to what the leadership of this company now stands for. (Trying to keep this as non political as possible). What would you do?

    1. Girasol*

      I inherited retirement funds that were held in a company I didn’t want to stay with. My own retirement funds were in Fidelity. I learned from the Fidelity folks that there are some options for transfer that don’t involve sale. In my case, all the inherited funds could be transferred from the old company into my own accounts without having to sell and incur taxes (yet. I’ll owe eventually, of course.) Don’t know if that fits your situation but you might check.

    2. Rick Tq*

      Something doesn’t seem right, are the mutual fund shares held in a taxable or tax-deferred (or exempt) account?

      If your retirement account is tax-protected and you re-invest the proceeds of the sale of BadInvestCo stock back into the account you shouldn’t have any capital gains tax due. If this is just an investment account be sure you meet the holding rules to be under long-term capital gains vs short term.

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        Agreed. I also question their strategy at all. All of the below have a stream of ethical concerns, here is their weight in the S&P. You can’t really avoid most of them unless you do specific industry funds such as a utility fund:

        META 3%
        Tesla 1.9%
        United Healthcare .95%
        Exxon .9%
        Walmart .9&
        Johnson and Johnson .7%
        Wells Fargo .5%
        Phillip Morris .4%
        Palantir .5%
        Lockhead Martin .2%

        I used to try to avoid all companies causing any sort of damage, but it became impossible, so I narrowed my “avoid” list down to companies not profiting directly from war, and companies that test on animals.

        1. Sell or not?*

          I’ll reframe for you – what would you do if it came to your attention that one of your mutual funds now contained a cosmetic company that was doing massive animal testing. Would you sell that mutual fund even though it would mean some significant capital gains tax? Or would you make gifts of shares of the mutual fund to animal related charities?

          1. Busy Middle Manager*

            If those were the only two options, I’d donate a portion.

            And if I could afford the taxes, I’d sell the rest.

            So both, I guess.

            And depending on timing, roll the $ into other funds with no ethical implications. It’s a decent time to buy bond ETFs (such as TLT and BND) since high interest rates have kept principal bond prices lower than historically. So you might get some bond growth in a year or two

            and if there is any dip in stock prices, I’d buy into utility ETF like VPU and if banks stop being overpriced, a banking ETF, like VFH. But I find these to be expensive at the moment so would park it in a CD for the time being

      2. Sell or not?*

        I misthreaded my answer but this is in a taxable account. Mostly interested in hearing how other folks would think about this situation.

        1. Enough*

          I probably would do a combination of charitable giving and selling over time (multiple years). How long would depend on how much the fund is worth and what it would take to keep the taxes from ballooning. Also keep in mind that a spike in income at or near retirement can cause a temporary spike in Medicare payments (they look at your income from 2 years prior).

    3. Qwerty*

      If I recall correctly, mutual funds hold the proxy voting power for those shares. So maybe look into how that fund is handled. Do they listen to the opinions of the people invested in that fund? A lot of times these funds will take the stance of “trust the company” and vote whichever way the CEO/President wants as an attempt to be impartial, but maybe they can be influenced to occasionally vote differently.

      If you are set on selling, try talking to your financial advisor about a plan to divest you from that company over X years rather than an immediate withdrawal. Maybe it is getting involved in some investments intended to help offset capital gains, maybe it involves riding the market and selling a batch whenever it dips so there is less tax to pay, or merely spreading the capital gains over 3yrs will hit you less than doing it all in one go.

      Finally – do you have any funds that are currently a loss? If so, talk to your advisor about selling those when you sell these profitable ones – sometimes you can offset your gains with losses to reduce the tax burden.

      1. ronda*

        yes investment losses and investment gains are netted to come to the total income (or loss) amount. Look up Tax Loss Harvesting for the rules on how losses are handled. (they can be disallowed if you dont follow the rules)

        Also the tax rate on capital gains is less than your ordinary tax rate. So a bit less of a hit. It is based on your total taxable income.

        FILING STATUS = Single
        0% RATE Up to $48,350. (taxable income)
        15% RATE $48,351 – $533,400
        20% RATE Over $533,400

        1. ronda*

          maybe if you wait til after your retire you would be able to stay in the zero bracket as you divest of the fund you do not want.

          1. ronda*

            if you are wanting to do charitable option,

            1. but want to direct it later to your chosen charities. set up a donor advised fund (DAF) at a brokerage or other financial institution, you get the charitable deduction now and can direct to charities over time.
            2. I was just working on my brothers tax returns and the deductibility (for itemized deductions) of charitable cash donations is limited to 60% of your AGI (but can be carried forward if limited), so doing it in a higher income year might work better than waiting until retirement and having lower income to reduce on your return. (he did not use a donor advised fund and is in retirement, so most of the income was from selling the investment to put to the charity)
            3. you can donate the actual investment to the charity (or DAF), you dont take the capital gain, but you do take the charitable deduction for the value at the time of donation.

    4. Kay*

      It depends on what your financial situation is and what your goals are. For me personally I have decided that the more money I can make, the more money I have to further the causes I care about. So, if you find something that will make you more money (or at least equal money but more ethically palatable), take it. If you can hold it for a while longer to reduce the capital gains, I would do it. If you can donate the stock to call it a wash, that is an option too. If it gets to be too much or the company too bad, sell it and take the hit. I’ve done a version of all of the above at one point or another, and when I’m ready will get rid of anything that doesn’t align with my values. It isn’t an easy journey so good luck with whatever option you choose!

  38. Lifelong student*

    Number one- if this investment is in a retirement account- such as an IRA- there are no capital gains to be concerned about. If it is in a non- retirement account, there could be capital gains- but long term gains are taxed at a maximum of 20%. Short term gains- which could result because of dividend reinvestment will be taxed at your marginal tax rate. Donating to charity can happen if you are at or above the qualified charitable deduction age for a distribution from an IRA. Please- do not take tax advice from a financial advisor- talk to your CPA! Heck you may be able to do distributions in kind- no sales necessary. Financial advisors have a vested interest in keeping assets in an account if they are compensated based on the value of the account.

    1. Sell or not?*

      I clarified in another reply this isn’t in an IRA I just think of it as retirement savings because I’m close to retiring. I know about giving gifts of appreciated stock, so one option is to try and give away a lot in that way. Was just curious what other people would do.

  39. Sell or not?*

    Sorry – it’s not officially a retirement account but I think about this money as also funding my retirement. So it is taxable. Mostly posed this question to see which way people would choose.

  40. WoodswomanWrites, looking for a new mattress*

    For anyone who has had to get a new bed due to back pain, I welcome any guidance from those who prefer firm mattresses. My tried and true queen mattress of 20+ years has finally started sagging and I’m consistently waking up with a sore back. I can’t turn it over because it’s a one-side design. I was able to get a few more years out of it by rotating it but that’s no longer working.

    The model I have unfortunately isn’t made anymore. I have scoliosis and I’m reluctant to buy something online that I can’t check out in person. I’ve looked online at a gazillion reviews. It seems like a lot of models are designed to have soft tops, and I definitely need something relatively hard. I have a solid queen-sized bed frame and box spring that I’m planning to keep.

    If you have any tips about mattress shopping in general or success stories with finding a firm mattress, that would be great. I know I need to get something with a good return policy in case it doesn’t work after trying it out. I’ve made peace with an expensive purchase, planning to pay what I have to for something that will last me a couple decades as my current one has.

    1. Can't Sit Still*

      I bought a Big Fig Classic mattress about 5 years ago. I have mild scoliosis, degenerating discs with radiculopathy, and arthritis (both inflammatory and osteo), and I find it incredibly comfortable. My back pain almost completely disappeared once I started sleeping on it. My back does get sore if I’m traveling and sleeping on pillow top mattresses, but sleeping on my own mattress fixes it, typically overnight.

      After 5 years, the mattress is still like new and it has a 20 year warranty, so I anticipated getting another 15 years out of it.

      The main downside is that the mattress itself is very heavy and requires two people to move it. If you live alone, white glove delivery service is a must. I have moved with this mattress twice and both times, the movers said it’s the heaviest queen sized mattress they’ve ever moved.

      1. Additional Context*

        Just in case you don’t know, Big Fig is a company that builds and sells mattresses (and box springs and beds) specifically designed for very heavy (plus size) people. But you don’t have to be a heavy person to buy or use their products. The mattresses seem to be a bit more expensive than regular mattresses, but not excessively so and their products do seem to be very well-built and to last longer than a lot of lower-priced mattresses.

    2. Rural*

      I hate mattress shopping. First though, resign yourself that anything will not last20 years. Our first lasted 25 years through newlywed times and small children…next lasted 10, then 5. Good luck

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Success story: We went to a local mattress store so that we could try the mattresses, and it turned out our choices were
      1: Most expensive Sealy
      2: Midrange Sealy
      3: Lowest cost Sealy

      So we bought a Sealy mattress, and it has been great. (After an adjustment period where my body was extremely aware that this is not my usual sleeping elevation, like I had triggered some ancient programming that alerts you when you get sucked out of your bed by a flying saucer, misapplied to the new taller mattress.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, yes, the Princess and the Pea issue! Also when getting out of bed and not…finding…the floor… for an uncomfortable couple of seconds.

      2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        It’s fascinating how bodies calculate and remember where we are in space. Like, when I wear a shoe with more of a platform or heel everything is at the wrong height even though I couldn’t have told you what the normal relative position is. All my brain knows is it’s wrong.

    5. I Love My Firm Mattress*

      Like you, I needed a new mattress with a firm top – – so I stayed away from anything that had a memory foam topper. Just a month ago I purchased a “Serta Quilted Perfect Sleeper X Hybrid Knox 13.5 Firm Tight Top Mattress” from JCPenney. It is nice and firm – – I love it!

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Mattresses are something you really need to try out in person, in my opinion. Is there any store near you that sells them? Plan a lot of time to ask questions and lie on different models.

    7. Reba*

      Does anywhere near you sell latex mattresses you could try in store? I highly recommend this material. Some online sellers let you return them within 90 or 120 days or whatever, but moving a latex mattress around is really no joke so it would be best to experience it yourself first, and buy it from someplace that will deliver it into your bedroom if possible. Latex mattresses are usually customizable to some degree because they are made of layers that can have different softness (e.g. you could get all firm layers or firm, firm, medium or whatever will work best).

    8. One foot in sea*

      Find a local store that still makes their own mattresses (I’ve lived in KS, NJ, and NH and always found one) and go there. These are the mattresses that still last 20 years, and their sales people really know the product. I’ve found their prices and warranties to be competitive with the big name brands.

    9. Snorkel*

      I have been exceptionally happy with our adjustable mattress from Personal Comfort. Their staff was wonderful to help us find the right model, their warranty is great, components can be switched out easily, and three features make it better than the Sleep Number- more adjustability. MUCH easier to assemble, and better quality components. When we bought ours they were medical grade. (Hopefully that’s still the case.) They have great videos online if you’d like to see more.

      My husband is 6’6” and I am 5’2”. Being able to adjust each side separately is great and we haven’t had one single issue or needed to replace a part in the 7 years we’ve had it.

      Good luck- it’s a hard thing to get right but so important!

    10. Dancing Otter*

      Rather than a box spring, I have a slatted bed base. It seems to counteract the otherwise too soft mattress without being too rock hard. For reference, I have arthritis in my spine which causes sciatica with a too soft mattress.

      But you said you want to keep your existing bed and box spring. What about adding a bed board between the mattress and box spring, if you can’t find the perfect mattress?

      BTW, you are supposed to rotate the mattress regularly, *before* it starts to sag. I aim for quarterly, though I seem to recall my mother doing it every month.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks for all the helpful comments. I’m definitely shopping in person and not online for something this specific. I hadn’t thought of looking for a local business that makes their own.

      I’m laughing about the princess and the pea thing. I’ve been chided for being fussy about the sheets and blankets being just so both in making the bed and how they feel when I’m in it.

      1. allathian*

        I’m also fussy, but in the opposite direction than most others. To me sheets don’t feel clean unless they’re a bit rough to the touch, so my preference is for cheap cotton, unironed, washed without fabric conditioner, and drip dried. Abolutely no silk or satin.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Flannel all year round for me, plain laundry detergent as with everything else. They do go in the dryer, though.

        2. Clara Bowe*

          *high fives you* Sateen sheets and 1K+ thread counts are for people OTHER than me. Give me a 220 cotton percale or give me a really unhappy night’s sleep.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        We bought ours at a Mattress Firm store (helped to have a 0% interest offer) and although I would have gone more firm, my hubby likes somewhat softer so we got their mid-firm. Stearns and Foster is the brand we got and as it is very high quality manufacturing, is a bit spendier. However we plan to have it for about 15 years based on reviews and care instructions. Has a bit of pillowtop but is very very firm and my aging body/back is much happier. I also second folks that do the slatted bedframe instead of a boxspring – it creates much more support and less “sag” as it breaks down.

    12. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      This is more or less exactly my situation. We bought an Avocado Green (spendy, but as you say this is a decade-plus purchase) and love it. We got the firmest option of three that they offer. They do have showrooms where you can try them out – including one in our city – but I’d be reluctant if I wasn’t able to try one in person. (Good returns policy, but that’s still a huge hassle).

      They aren’t compatible with box springs, though – you need either slats or some other option they provide (I forget the name). Installing the slats in place of the old box spring was easy.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      We recently bought a new mattress from Mattress Firm. The fist one we bought was a Purple mattress and my husband HATED it. I think they have a 60 day return window. They sent some guys who took the Purple mattress and delivered our new Temper Pro Adapt 12″ firm mattress no problem. It’s foam. My husband loves it. It’s decent for me. I sleep on my back, so it’s not perfect for that. I think it’s better for a side sleeper.

    14. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We bought a new mattress a few weeks ago. There is a showroom near me where you can try out the “online” mattresses, and if you order through the showroom you get a discount. I bought a Winkbed Plus and I’m really happy with it. It’s firm with a pillowtop but the pillowtop is not especially squishy. The support has helped a ton for my bad hip.

      I’m a little bit irritated with the showroom’s customer service, but the mattress has been great, and when I had a question they got back to me right away.

    15. I take tea*

      We bought a futon mattress many years ago, that I have liked better than any mattress I’ve ever tested. This one has some filling in the middle so it doesn’t need to be turned regularly, and that really helps, because it’s heavy. It’s hard enough, and doesn’t sag in the middle. It’s lasted some ten years, now it’s time to replace it.

  41. Reader*

    I was interested by a thread in the comments a few days ago about the ideal time to get to the airport before a flight. It seems there was general consensus that for people who fly frequently, especially if it’s for work, it makes sense to cut it closer. There was also a general acknowledgment that for people who experience anxiety around air travel, it makes sense to get to the airport earlier and take one possible source of anxiety away (“what if something goes wrong/I’ve forgotten something/a line is unexpectedly long…and I miss my flight?”) and that there is also a group of people who experience satisfaction or even a thrill from the feeling of “JUST making it.” I was surprised, though, by how many people (of the “always get there at least 2+ hours early” camp) said something along the lines of, “It’s not like it’s a problem to have to spend some time in the airport! Worst case scenario, everything goes well, and you have 1-3 hours to sit there and read a book/etc.” This was surprising because in my life, having a spare 1-3 hours to just sit and do something is…a very rare luxury. I would SO much rather use that 1-3 hours to sleep, be at work, spend time with my kids, get things done at home, or work out. A full 1+ hours to just hang out, in a place I didn’t choose, with overpriced food and drink, sounds terrible and I feel itchy the whole time about the time I’m wasting. Are there others with me on this?

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t love hanging around airports but I never consider an hour of reading to be a waste of time. How sad.

        1. MozartBookNerd*

          Hmm, wow, I treasure reading as much as the next person, but these responses strike me as pretty harsh and derailing right out of the box.

          Lots of us, like LW, are burdened by overcommitments for lots of good reasons. Let’s not criticize each other for the fabric of life that our postings emerge from. Instead I hope we’ll maintain the almost always constructive and empathetic nature of the comments on this blog.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah. To be fair, I’m glad that my life’s never been so overscheduled that an extra hour or two would feel like wasted time. I literally can’t imagine living like that.

            The busiest I’ve ever been was in high school with a full study program and 20 hours working retail per week as a junior and senior. I was also in the drama club, but even that took at most 5 hours a week when we were rehearsing a new play. College was similar. Sometimes I really miss the apparently limitless energy I had in my teens and twenties, the schedule that was normal for me then would make me sick now.

            That said, airports are some of my least favorite places to be, but even they’re better than the actual planes. I hate flying because my narrow eustachian tubes mean it’s very difficult for me to adjust to changes in air pressure. My ears pop every time I swallow, and 10 storeys in a high-speed elevator is enough to make my ears hurt.

          2. till Tuesday*

            Amen to this. I’m at the airport right now. I try to get here a couple of hours before my flight, because security takes anywhere from 15 min to an hour or more. I can’t really focus to read, but I’d rather wait than miss my flight.

      2. Chocolate Teapot*

        One airport I have often used is London City Airport, and the problem there is that if you arrive early, as per recommendations, there is nowhere to sit and wait until the check-in desk opens. There are a couple of small cafes, but these are always full with people who are also waiting.

        1. londonedit*

          Yeah, I think it depends on the airport. I usually fly from Heathrow and always aim to get there at least two hours before my flight just in case of queues at security (I always check in online beforehand) but usually I get through fairly swiftly and I’ll have a couple of hours to hang around. And that’s fine, because there are loads of restaurants and shops and plenty of seating areas, so you can easily fill the time. At a smaller airport like London City there really isn’t anywhere comfortable to sit and wait before the flight, and there isn’t the same range of shops to browse around and restaurants and cafes to get something to eat in, so it’s harder to pass the time.

      3. Double A*

        I love to read and read all the time, however, I don’t like reading much at the airport. In general I really hate standing around waiting, even though I could technically read while I do this. I also get kind of itchy at the thought of standing around a place I don’t want to be for longer than I have to. This is why I cut things close and as a result am an on time to slightly late person (an unforgivable sin to the early-is-on-time crowd I know). I’ve gotten better about this as I’ve gotten older but it’s just because I’ve learned to tolerate the itchiness. I still hate it.

        1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          This is me. I love nothing more than lounging around with a book! But airports are uncomfortable, crowded, and loud, guaranteed to give me sensory overload — so while anxiety keeps me from cutting it close, I dread extra time in airports.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m thinking about your comments about wanting to work out and the area having overpriced food and drink, I typically arrive around an hour and a half-ish before my flight because my local airport can be very busy with long security lines for everyone even with TSA clearance status.

      For the times that I’ve gone through the process quickly, I’m lucky that my big airport, San Francisco International, has lots of interesting art and history exhibits to check out. I appreciate that. It’s also got some quiet places to get away from the crowds.

      Other times, I take the extra time to exercise. Nothing that will make me soaked with sweat, but my airport is big enough to take an aerobic walk or to find a quiet corner away from the hubbub to do squats, etc. that don’t require equipment. Or I’ll bring food with me from home and sometimes I’ll use that time to eat.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      The extra time to read a book at the gate combines two things: First, nothing on the list of things that could go wrong–and possibly have in the past–went wrong this time. Second, you get slotted into a liminal space where you can do something nourishing with the time, which is how a lot of us experience an unexpected slot of an hour or so for reading.

      The tradeoff is that this is time I could have spent standing in the airport shuttle lot wondering why the bus is so late, or time I could have spent sitting in traffic, or time I could have spent standing in an endless security line. It’s like worst case a thing goes wrong and burns my margin; best case nothing goes wrong and I spend the time reading.

    4. Qwerty*

      For me, it’s theory vs reality. I used to feel this way about long layovers but not about getting there for the initial flight. Until a couple short layovers meant barely making my connection and one time my luggage did not make it onto the second plane, so I had a 3hr wait at the airport after landing….now I no longer mind long layovers.

      Vacation is really the only time I get to read and I generally save a book that I’m really looking forward to. I find there is a boost of positivity when I see something time consuming like a long security line and instead of panicking a 1hr line, I just check my watch and go “I’ve got time, I’m fine”. I’ve also noticed that when I get there way to early, everything goes smooth and fast and leaves me with too much downtime but problems always arise when I don’t overestimate, so now I translate “crap, now I’ve got 1.5 hrs of downtime” to “I planned well so the universe rewarded me with short lines and first dibs at a seat in the waiting area”

      Quality of airport is a big factor though. The tiny airport in Nebraska had me grumpy that I majorly overestimated. The big airports are kinda nice though – I have time to eat at any terminal I want, some have art exhibits, I get to walk around a lot to stretch my legs before being trapped in a tiny seat for 4hrs, or try out an interesting wine bar. Nashville airport had live music all over which was entertaining.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        The quality of the airport makes a difference for sure! I spent several hours at Reagan (DC) once and it was surprisingly small and cramped, what a drag. On the other hand, four hours in the Miami airport was quite pleasant.

    5. MozartBookNerd*

      Hi, I really feel the same way, Reader, about being overcommitted and not having the odd hour or two to waste!

      Do you have aspects of work that you can take care of at the airport, for example on a laptop computer that you’re taking on the flight? My work consumes almost all of my best hours of the day, but the silver lining is that lots of my work can be done on my laptop, perched at the airport or almost anywhere. Using some compact noise-canceling headphones is a real nice addition to this flexibility.

    6. OaDC*

      I feel the same way, without the kid factor, and wondered the same at the time. My life is not that busy but I would always have something better to do than sit around an airport for an extra hour or two, just in case there’s some catastrophic delay at TSA. I know what I’m doing and don’t miss planes, though.

    7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I wouldn’t ever arrive at an airport with three hours to spare. I try for about 60 to 90 minutes before boarding. I have precheck and even with long lines I get through with time to spare. That gives me time to go to the bathroom, full a water bottle, and get some takeout food or coffee if I need to. I’m usually traveling for work so I have my laptop and I use the time productively. I also charge all my devices while I wait. I read if I’m not working, or people watch a bit, maybe walk around and look at the art. I never feel as if I’m just hanging around. I would feel a lot sweatier if I were skating in as they started to close the doors.

    8. Meow*

      I used to be just make it person, until.I realised that I’m so cursed that every attempt of flight results in a traffic jam that turns a 1 hour trip into 3 hours minimum. I’m now a 3 hour early person to make up for above.

      1. Jackalope*

        My closest airport is one that on a regular (but not daily) basis has random jams and long waits in the security check lines. Around holidays it’s almost always bad; other times it may or may not be, and I’m not familiar enough with the system to know if there’s a pattern or not. So I always make sure I’m there on the early side since I don’t want to risk a long, slow line. I’ve only once ever come close to missing an initial flight (as opposed to a second flight after a short layover), but I’ve had a couple of times when I got stuck at the airport for a long time because, say, my original flight couldn’t leave (mechanical issue or some such), and it was a pain. I don’t want to do anything to cut it close enough that I might have to wait around in the airport for several hours for the next flight to my destination.

    9. BellStell*

      I get to the airport early because I do not like being late as it stresses me out. I usually read or have a coffee or if it is a work trip I work. If it is a new airport or one I do not frequent, I walk around a look at the art or shops.

    10. Fit Farmer*

      I don’t think overcommitment has to play into this. There was a thread a few weeks ago about people who appreciate the experience of spending time curled up with a book/cat/newspaper/etc vs people who appreciate getting stuff done (ideally related personal projects/goals). Someone in the latter camp wouldn’t appreciate what would feel to them like “idle” time at an airport. Lots of discussion can be had about the proper mix of recreation & productivity for any particular person, but I really do think people are wired differently on this score.

      1. Angstrom*

        Exactly. “I’ve got a thousand things going on, it’s so nice to get a break” and “I’ve got a thousand things going on, I wish I could be doing one of them” are both valid responses.

    11. Abigail*

      I had a similar reaction to a recent thread on buffer time before and after appointments.

      I stack all preventative health appointments for me and my kids on the same day. I use a PTO/sick day that aligns with a day my kids are off school but businesses are open (teacher in service is great for this). Unfortunately, other people have the same idea so I usually book the appointments and the PTO day about 2 months in advance.

      Last year I did both kids eye doctor, both kids dentist, and one kid well child on the same day. Boom, boom, boom.

      The thought of spreading out health appointments gives me hives

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      For me it kind of depends on the airport and the circumstances. I like most airports. There are some I look forward to being in. Then there are some I absolutely hate. But I usually get there an hour before my flight (I don’t like to rush) and if I’m on the way home, sometimes I’ll do two hours just so I have extra time to navigate and wander. (If it’s Atlanta, I’ll get there early enough so I can hang in the one terminal I like with plenty of time to get to my gate.) I also love people-watching and don’t get to do it often enough.

      There’s also a time of day consideration. My home airport is DCA. I have pre-check but so does everyone else. 7am flight? Get there extra early because the lines will be long. Noon? Gonna breeze right through.

    13. Not That Kind of Doctor*

      For me, “luxury ” is the key word there. I don’t travel much, but hypothetically, it’s an hour or two that I could sit and read and not feel bad that I’m not scrubbing the toilet or something instead.

    14. till Tuesday*

      My spouse very definitely really hates waiting at the airport. He has missed a couple of flights as transport or security took longer than expected. I hate waiting at airports too, it I do it because I hate missing flights more.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      I live on the opposite end of a city with horrible traffic from a large hub airport, so getting there is unpredictable and security can take forever even with TSA Precheck. I don’t really want to get there super early, especially if I have to get up ridiculously early to do so, but I’ve walked onto the concourse just as my flight was boarding a few times and I really don’t need that stress. I don’t mind hanging out in a nicer, larger airport, which my home airport definitely is.

    16. Rosyglasses*

      I could see how this would feel – but I think that I’ve taken to framing that time as “me” time – I always try to leave enough time to get a special coffee drink I wouldn’t necessarily get all the time, eat a small snack and read or people watch. I dislike being rushed, and I wouldn’t want to get there 3 hours ahead of schedule, but it is nice to have some time to just be in a different space and experience that.

  42. an incline mattress*

    I saw a video on a medical website on the benefits of having an inclined mattress where your head is significantly higher than your heart. They cited studies showing this was helpful for various conditions, 2 of which I have, at a variety of angles above horizontal. They said the best setup for side sleepers is that the whole mattress tilts up evenly from foot to head, not just the top half or one-third of it bending upward and the bottom part flat. They showed a model where you could get that kind of incline or get it back down via your smartphone.

    I am intrigued and would love to hear any recommendations or warnings about this kind of bed. Brand names to look for or avoid? I haven’t bought a mattress for 20-plus years so I’m willing to get a new one if it might have these medical benefits, but what should I be considering about such a mattress?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      how much of an incline? you could put two pieces of 2×4 under the feet of your bed frame instead of buying a new mattress.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      We just ordered a bed wedge. For a queen sized bed it comes in two parts, it runs from 1″ at the bottom of the mattress to 7″ or so at the top. It is foam and goes under the mattress. My spouse has had reflux and this helps significantly. Lots cheaper than a new mattress, too.

      1. an incline mattress*

        The cited studies had higher inclines than 7″, but this would certainly be a much less expensive option. Where did you get it?

        1. My Brain is Exploding*

          It’s been a while…I don’t remember! I do see them on Amazon, try using bed wedge full length as a search term. Also may be called a mattress wedge or mattress elevator. Due to the way our bed is made, we couldn’t just jack up the headboard with risers. The first few times you sleep on it, it feels a little weird! And the bed looks a bit off, too, until you get used to it.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      There’s a cheap and easy fix if your bed frame is the style that has legs. You can purchase risers that sit under the two legs at the head of the bed to elevate it so the entire bed slopes toward your feet. You can avoid getting a new bed.

      This is common medical advice for people like me with acid reflux, also known as GERD. My doctor let me know about it when I was diagnosed. I paid about $20 for the risers at the top of my bed frame. I’ve had my bed on a slope like this for years now. I sleep comfortably and this has greatly reduced my symptoms.

    4. Alex*

      Thirding trying out the manual way of rising the head of your bed under blocks. My mom did this, but my dad could not adapt to sleeping on the angle, so you may want to make sure this works for you before spending a whole lot of money.

    5. Chaos Farmer*

      I have a bed that folds up (similar to a Murphy bed). Basically a giant sheet of plywood that tilts down from the wall. Once the feet are unfolded, it’s a normal flat no-boxsprings bed. If the feet aren’t folded out, the end rests on the floor. The advantage to this is it can use any queen mattress. The disadvantage is that the tilt is all or nothing, unless we make new feet of different heights (probably with 2x4s as someone else mentioned below.) It’s not the perfect solution, but we already had it to save space. I couldn’t get used to sleeping with it tilted, but I did find it easier to sleep with extra stacked pillows without them falling off the edge.

    6. Mephyle*

      I have two wedge pillows of different heights, so I choose one or the other, depending on how much I want to be raised. The wedge pillow sits on top of the mattress. I wrap a large towel around it (top to bottom, not left/right), which prevents me from sliding off of it and keeps it clean. I also use thinnish pillows on it, one for my head, and one to fill in the angle between the wedge pillow and the mattress, to make it more like the continuous even incline that you describe. Each pillow cost around $30.

  43. downsizing yarn donations*

    Any suggestions about places to donate yards. I’m cutting back. The local chapter of Project Linus will not respond. The yarn store has no ideas. These are $8-12 a skein yarns so I would like to get then to an experienced knitter. I do not want to sell anything, just donate.

    1. Now a senior*

      One idea is to take them to your local senior center. My senior center recently had a box of yarns that someone donated and offered them to anyone who knits or crochets. I was able to get a couple of skeins for my friend who crochets.

    2. Reba*

      If you are willing to mail them and deal with some messaging back and forth, you can post in the Ravelry forum for destashing. I have successfully moved some unwanted yarn that way. You could post it for free +the cost of shipping or something like that. It is several extra steps, but ensures the yarn gets to people who want it.
      I wonder if there are any knitting circles or meetup groups, maybe the yarn store would have a lead on those?

    3. Bibliovore*

      Waldorf schools and schools based in progressive education would be grateful for this donation. Public Library maker spaces would also be grateful.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Seconding Ravelry. You can post it as “free, local to (your area) only” if you don’t want the hassle of shipping and payment.
      The advantage to Ravelry over a senior center, school, or maker space is that your yarn won’t go to a beginner who won’t appreciate its value.

      A local knitting group is another good option, but a lot of them meet in yarn stores. The shop would probably take a dim view of your destash cutting into their potential sales.

    7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Try searching on knit and crochet for charity and see if there’s a local chapter of something else. I did that and found a list of eight groups on a 2020 article from Treehugger.

      Seconding ImOnlyHereForThePoetro’s suggestion of a local Buy Nothing group.

      My town has a secondhand craft supply place that takes things in and gives credit for them. You might try searching to find out if there’s one of those in your area.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        One more thought: Donate to a women’s shelter if they would take the yarn. For someone who has left an abusive situation having really nice yarn to knit or crochet with would be wonderful if that’s something they want to do. You want the yarn to go to a specific experience level and that sounds like a limiter to me. Why not give a beginner the experience of working with something really nice?

        My friend found a local program at her YWCA that’s organized by AmeriCorps Seniors for volunteers to knit or crochet a variety of things. They accept yarn donations, then if someone comes in who wants to knit a baby blanket or crochet a hat or whatever they can take yarn from the stock. They also take care of getting the finished item to a program that can use it.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Your local senior center will take them and be thrilled about it. Also try a local Buy Nothing group. Also ask local hospitals if they have volunteers who make things for new babies etc.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      You may have already considered this, but if you donate it somewhere I would suggest winding it into balls (rather than leaving it in skeins/hanks) because shelters, senior centers, etc may not have the knowledge or capacity to wind it and trying to knit from unwound skeins is just terrible. :)

    10. Hyaline*

      I would freecycle it–if you have a local drop off, that’s ideal, because you don’t to wait for pick up (our in-person recycling center has a freecycle table and it always has craft supplies). Or post on Facebook Marketplace and let it go first come first served. Also check to see if you have any Little Free Craft Libraries/Closets nearby. If that fails, senior center, community center, or preschool/daycare as craft supplies. Honestly…let go of “making sure it’s going to an experienced knitter” if you want to just offload it. Vetting recipients could add a lot of hassle to your plate.

    11. Tea & Sympathy*

      There is a Facebook group called Relief Crafters of America whose members knit, crochet and quilt items for mostly animal shelters, but a few other charities as well. Someone on that group might be able to use the yarn.

  44. a phone with really clear text*

    I badly need a new phone, but it has to have a high-enough ppi that the text will be clear enough for me to read, as I have low vision at close range. Anyone else have this same need and can recommend an Android phone? Almost 100% of my phone usage involves reading or entering text, so that is mission-critical for me.

    I have found that my visual deficit isn’t addressed by accessibility settings; larger-font or white-on-black fuzzy text is still too fuzzy for me to make out. I know that iPhones are the best, but I can’t adapt to using iOS — have tried and failed — and need to stick to Android.

    1. Reba*

      I like my Samsung Galaxy, my spouse likes his Google Pixel, both over 400 ppi. The newest, more expensive versions of the Galaxy claim even higher resolution. They are $$$ but both the Galaxy and Pixel perform well and feel good. They both have great cameras, though I think the Pixel has a more sophisticated portrait mode. Both have bright, juicy displays. I’d be happy with either so maybe just watch for sale prices.

    2. Observer*

      Look for a phone with at least 400 ppi. If you have the budget you can go to >450. Also, the larger the better.

      You’re probably going to need a higher end (ie more expensive) model. How old is your current phone and what do you have now?

      I like the Pixel phones, especially the higher end ones. And the higher end Samsung Galaxy phones tend to have excellent screens as well.

      gsmarean is a good source for this kind of information.

      PS iPhones are not necessarily better. It really depends on the phone.

      1. a phone with really clear text*

        My Samsung S7 is almost 8 years old. It is much less functional these days, but it has very clear text, so I was surprised and disappointed to discover that new phones are optimized for photos and videos and that this causes text to be a bit blurred.

        I bought the Pixel 8 (that I returned) because it had great reviews, but reviews don’t mention clarity of text; they’re written by and for people with normal vision. Their idea of an excellent screen is how vivid and visually stunning everything looks, not whether a person like me can read texts and emails and my calendar app. Since I hadn’t bought a new phone for so long, I had no idea that this was going to be an issue until I spent hours tweaking settings trying to get the Pixel’s text to be less blurry.

        I’m resigned to having to spend $$$ on a new phone, but before I do, I’d love to know what phones others who have similar needs are using and how readable those phones are for them.

        1. Reba*

          Ah! There are some deep hidden settings on the Pixel 9 Pro at least that address this. I don’t know if other brands also do this but may be worth looking into. The phone has a setting that deliberately uses less resolution than it is capable of by default, in order to get savings on battery life. I think this was the case on Pixel 8 as well, in which case there would have been some scaling going on that you probably noticed. So at least for these particular phones, you can switch them to “full resolution” and avoid the fuzzy scaling. I hope that made sense and sorry if I’m telling you something you already know!

        2. Observer*

          GSMArena (I made a typo on my earlier post) is an excellent site for you because it has the specs of just about every phone that you can get your hands on. But settings are going to be the thing that gets you in the end. Because the phones you tried *do* have the PPI, it’s just the way that they are being displayed s a problem.

          I agree with Reba – There are some settings that are not in the obvious places. That’s something you should look into because just about every phone is likely to have something like that.

          A few things that I have noticed that were helpful:

          Dark vs light theme – A lot of people swear by it, but I find text harder to read in dark theme.

          I don’t know if this is a Pixel thing or an Android thing, but at least the Pixels allow you set text to be “high contrast” and bold (two separate settings). Personally, I don’t find the “high contrast” setting all the useful, but I do like the bold.

          Screen resolution is a big one. Force set your phone to full resolution. Yes, it takes more battery, but you are always going to get better clarity when you are doing “native” resolution. And unlike with desktop monitors, the native resolution of the screen tends to also be the highest resolution.

          If you haven’t tried any of these, it’s really worth looking at them.

  45. My Brain is Exploding*

    My spouse’s mom is having trouble and we are thinking about having her try the pure-wick system. Has anyone had any experience with this? Pros and cons? Is this something she could set up herself when she goes to bed?

    1. AnonRN*

      I use them in the hospital for patients. There’s a lot of variability with how well they work. If she mostly doesn’t move once she’s positioned comfortably for sleep, it’s more likely to stay in place. If she rolls and turns a lot it will probably get dislodged. (They also don’t stay in place very well for really skinny people because you need to snug it up right against the skin for the suction to work.) For some patients I find tucking it inside a brief helps keep it in place and add absorbency. I would definitely put an absorbent pad on the bed too.

      It is possible to set up all the equipment, turn on the suction, and then just climb into bed and position the device (use some hand sanitizer after). Just depends on her overall cognitive and motor abilities (plus all the stuff I wrote above). I’ve been told that they’re expensive for home use so you’d definitely want to find out what your insurance options are too. The collection canister could be reusable up to a point (it will need to be emptied and might eventually get smelly) but the device is basically a one-night use.

    2. Pam Adams*

      I personally found them uncomfortable and much preferred using a bedside commode. (I was able to be weight-bearing on one leg.

      1. AnonRN*

        Yeah, for someone who is not confused and is continent but can’t make a long trip, I prefer a commode. There are a lot of benefits to getting up and moving around anyway.

    3. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      My mom used one while she was in the hospital last year – she really liked it but when she got agitated she would forget it was there and would dislodge it trying to get out of bed and couldn’t put it back in place. With the bed alarm going off every time this this happened (she had a broken hip and couldn’t stand unaided), it made for disturbed nights.

    4. Anon for this*

      The main issue I’ve seen is people who get up in the night, dislodge it, and can’t reposition it again. If the only reason she’s getting up in the night is to go to the toilet, she should be okay to just not, but if she gets confused or disoriented at night, or gets up a lot for other reasons, it’s probably not going to work as well.

  46. An Ominous*

    Anyone with recommendations to sell craft, but specifically felt, related things (books, tools, wool, etc)?

    My current go-tos are craigslist and ebay (and maybe a masterpost on tumblr) but I’d love ideas for specialized… I don’t know, forums, or the like?

  47. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Does anyone know where to get small cans of fruit juices like they sometimes use in bars? I’ve been trying out making new cocktails but I don’t have the space to keep all the mixers in my fridge. I like grapefruit, orange, pineapple, and cranberry juice, but I can’t store a big bottle of each of them in my fridge when I only need a couple of ounces at a time. I was able to find packs of 6 oz cans of pineapple juice in grocery stores, but not any of the others. I know they exist because I used to get them from a neighbor, they came with his meals from the senior center and he didn’t like them. He doesn’t get those meals anymore though. I’ve seen the grapefruit juice cans in bars, but supermarkets only sell the big plastic bottles that have to be refrigerated even before they’re opened. Any idea where I can buy them? (besides Amazon, I’m sure they have it but I try to avoid that company if I can).

    2. Qwerty*

      Are plastic bottles ok or do they need to be cans? I get six-packs of 8oz bottles for cranberry, grape, and apple juices. I think they are usually in the aisle with snack packs (like the box with 20 individual bags of chips) and juice boxes, but you might need to ask someone at your store for help. Occasionally I find small juice bottles in the liquor section wherever they keep the non alcoholic ingredients like grenadine/ ginger beer / simple syrup.

      I’m not sure if orange juice is sold in those six packs because I don’t drink much of it. But some of my grocery stores sell a small individual bottle of Tropicana orange juice (I think probably around 12oz) in the refrigerated juice section where the big bottles / cartons are.

      I’m in the USA if that’s relevant. Meijer and Kroger have both had these.

  48. hummingbird*

    I’m looking to buy a new vehicle. Any car buying (negotiating) tips? I’ve never tried negotiating. I do have small discounts/incentives from my employer.

    Also, it seems what I want isn’t as easy to get. Guess there are still shortages?

    1. Rick Tq*

      Does your bank or credit union offer a buying service? Depending on the model you might look into a Costco membership and use their service.

      Coming in with a fully approved loan is a big help, but sometimes the dealer/manufacturer will have better loan options. We have gotten cars with zero interest loans that way.

    2. Rosyglasses*

      My two cents (or three maybe) :

      – If you have a CarMax or similar place near you, do that instead of a dealership. A dealership will wear you down with the financing discussions and take SO long that you will agree to almost anything, and they are terrible about badgering you on the lot. At CarMax, all the cars are unlocked and you can go sit in them and see the MSRP on the window. There is no negotiating, and when you are ready to test drive, you go in and tell them the cars you want to test out. It’s VERY different and less stressful.

      – Get your financing arranged through your local credit union – they typically will have better interest rates than banks, and certainly won’t put you through hoops like at the dealership. You can figure out what they will loan you ahead of time, and then when you are ready to purchase they’ll cut a check for you to take and make your purchase.

    3. MozartBookNerd*

      Hi, the negotiating process for cars seemed pretty complicated to me when I last did it two years ago. But Consumer Reports had some very good web pages that explained the main points. For example, we as buyers can sometimes learn of incentives that, say, Toyota Motors Corp offers to Main Street Toyota — and this helps us drive a harder bargain with Main Street Toyota.

      Another relatively straightforward tip that seems valuable is: If you’re going to finance the car, dealers make a lot of money on that part of the deal too. For that reason, even if you’re NOT going to finance the car, it can be useful to leave that point for the end of the process, until the strictly car-and-cash-price aspects are clear. The effect is to get more leeway from the dealer on the cash price, because they hold out the hope of making more money on a possible financing.

      But there’s more info out there! It’s not fun for most of us but it can be worthwhile! Good luck and maybe you can have fun with it!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      There are people who will do the negotiating for you, for a fee. Anecdotally people I’d talked to who used them found this service useful–definitely one of those things where you need someone who is making their money via referrals from satisfied customers. (If you buy a big ticket item you would negotiate on once every decade or so, then you don’t get much chance to practice the skill. It’s ‘bringing along my Aunt Gertrude, who is good at this, but I don’t have an aunt and so hired someone.’)

    5. Anono-me*

      Car dealerships are set up to favor the dealer in a million different ways.
      -Never go car shopping alone. (Early in the car choosing process alone is fine.) If possible, take atleast one well dressed, male type who can do discouraging looks well.
      -Never go in a hurry.
      -Know what your price range is, both what would be a great price and what is your hard upper limit price.
      -Know that sometimes it is easier to get upgrades to the car or additional services than to drop a price.
      -If you are trading in your car, clean the interior and wash it. Make sure the fluid levels are good and the tires have the correct amount of air.
      -If you are financing, have a plan with your local cu or bank before you go to the dealership. (Dealerships often can provide good financing, but sometimes it is better to have set up your own.)

  49. Mammasvoy*

    Given the price of used cars anymore I would never use Carmax or the other services. It’s all from a private party and at least with a dealer you may pay more, but you have a little bit more recourse if something goes wrong. Two friends have used Carmax and another one and not had good experiences. I know that’s just anecdotal, if I was spending maybe eight to $10,000 for a car I would consider it but given that late model used cars are 20 grand and up I don’t think so.

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