weekend open thread – February 22-23, 2025

by Alison Green on February 21, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Safekeep, by Yael van der Wouden. When her brother’s girlfriend comes to stay with her in the Netherlands, a woman’s post-war life is upended. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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    2. Hotdog not dog*

      There is a Korean vegetable store that I like to shop at. The woman who runs it gave me a little container of stir fry sauce she made, and it was delicious. (Not a clue what’s in it.) She loves that I will buy interesting vegetables to try, and often makes suggestions when she gets something exotic that she thinks I might enjoy. She speaks no English and I speak no Korean, but we seem to communicate well in produce!

    3. Volunteer Enforcer*

      The weekend and my wonderful partner. He has given me a week of Valentine’s Day style treatment when he already goes above and beyond.

    5. Clara Bowe*

      Found out the reason why Older Girl Cat was losing weight! Turns out her metabolism turned and now she needs to eat more. This is a delight because a. it is an easy fix and b. it is a fix that has THRILLED HER and she has spent the last 30 minutes purring on my lap because she is FULL.

    6. old curmudgeon*

      Getting to hand out “Future Voter” stickers to youngsters when I did my poll-worker shift for our municipality’s election on Tuesday! The littlest ones are so adorable, and SO excited to get a sticker!

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I discovered a website just for mountain dulcimer tablature with more than 1,800 songs to choose from, and each download also pays the musician who posted them. So much music to explore.

    9. BellStell*

      Our weather finally got to 9c this week so I am hopeful for spring. More birds coming to the balcony bird seed feeders. My kitty chattering at the birds from inside. Getting chores done. Making a few long weekend travel plans to see friends. Seeing my therapist. Indoor tomatoes are growing (size of marbles now). Meeting up with friends for pizza. Ditching my step counter due to anxiety. Donating clothes and towels for others. Making a few online donations to charities that need support now.

    10. Wandering Hobbit*

      I finally have some sunshine ! Weather systems have meant my area had very grey ‘anti cyclonic gloom’ for weeks, so it’s lovely to finally get some sun. Also that this seems to have resulted in crocuses appearing.

        1. allathian*

          Yes. We still have snow and the crocuses haven’t appeared yet. But I saw deer footprints with very clear marks of cloven hooves on our drive last week (a little joy in itself), so when the crocuses do appear, I expect them to be eaten before they have time to flower…

    11. Angstrom*

      The ridiculously perky theme song to the 1958 horror movie “The Blob”. It sounds like a period advertising jingle. You’ll be singing along!
      Beware of the blob
      It leaps and creeps
      And slides and glides
      Across the floor…

      1. GoryDetails*

        Heh! Thanks for the “Blob” earworm! (I do have fond memories of that one, though I’ve discovered that it doesn’t hold up to re-viewings as well as other classic ’50s monster movies. Still like it better than the remake, though!)

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I checked it out, and you are SO right — that is the grooviest horror movie theme song I’ve ever heard. Listening to it makes me feel like I should be doing the twist or the frug or something at a swinging party with my hair in a beehive.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Love it when Svengoolie shows that movie! Especially the extras clearly laughing as the flee the Blob in the movie theater.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Saw a Cooper’s hawk perched in a tree in my yard – and got a clear ID on it from the Merlin app when it made a few distinctive shrieks. (The trees were full of other birds – chickadees, titmice, cardinals, etc. – apparently all keeping an eye on the hawk, which was being quite nonchalant. “Nothing to see here, lalalala…”) The hawk eventually flew away without, as far as I could tell, nabbing any feathered snacks.

    13. Overeducated*

      We try to be pretty frugal and not eat out for junk food or stuff we can make at home, so I’ve never been to any of the beloved bakeries in my city. Last week I got upset about my job looking insecure and maybe NEVER getting to try a good bakery. Now I’m standing in a 50 person deep line for baked goods, because I guess it’s now or never. The croissants look incredible from loop 2 in line.. ..

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I hope you got a GREAT, delicious pastry (and that all stays okay with your job)!

    14. ELF Cage*

      I read everything in the very small children’s section of my tiny town library. The only exception was the Narnia books. I’ve never been able to read them.

      I read The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and The Da Vinci Code very early on. When both became so popular, I couldn’t understand why those two over all of the others published at the time.

      1. Librarian of Things*

        I feel the same way about the Bridgerton books being turned into a raging Netflix success. I read them as they came out originally and I enjoyed them. But, I definitely felt a bit of, “Why Bridgerton? Why not Cynster? Or something by Mary Balogh?”

        RE Narnia, I read some as a kid. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was an ’80s television staple, so of course I had to read the book, too. I 100% failed to notice the giant lion-shaped allegory. I read the whole series again in the my 30s and I am baffled that I missed it.

    15. Wingo Staww*

      Learned that I accidentally gained a pound of muscle without trying! A little reward for pushing myself every day at the gym.

    16. Dragons and Elves and Fairies, oh my!*

      A big joy – pulled off our first Disney World trip with kids. Everyone had a great time!

    17. Dontbeadork*

      Found an Asian market that sells Melona brand dairy treats (popsicles), which my Korean SIL gave me to taste ages ago.

      It’s so nice to be able to get a delicious treat locally, rather than having to travel out of state and visit relatives to taste (not that I don’t like visiting relatives, but a 5 min drive vs a 2-day drive matters).

    18. Girasol*

      Just two weeks after hip replacement my patch was taken off and I have orders to walk at least half a mile a day. The sun came out after a week of gray snow flurries and the walking is delightful.

    19. StrayMom*

      Skiing was amazing this morning! And last night, we ran into friends we haven’t seen in a couple of years – much needed joy this weekend!

    20. Purple Stapler*

      Told the landlord/owner of the place I rent that I wanted to stay another year, months before I have to renew. He told me that my very below market rent would not increase. I’ve been here for years and years. I was so happy! :)

    21. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I found a beautiful painting at a charity thrift sale. It’s perfect for my room and it was a total steal.

    22. Not Australian*

      We think we’ve found a house to buy – and the valuation of our old house was about 20% up on what we expected!

    23. allathian*

      Saw my bestie and another couple friends from my core friend group. I’ve been friends with them since high school. It was also cool to see their husbands and kids (ages 12-18).

    24. Seeking Second Childhood*

      After 2 weeks of ice on snow, winter has given us a reprieve. I got outside at 44°F/7°C.

  2. goddessoftransitory*

    So here’s a literature question for funsies:

    What classic of YA literature has left you cold, or “meh” at best?

    You don’t have to hate the book, or it hasn’t aged well, attitudes-wise (although that may be a reason.) It can be, objectively, a real work of art but just doesn’t push your buttons. You can understand why it’s other peoples’ favorite, and love other stuff from the same author, or in the same genre, and be genuinely bewildered as to why this was Not For You, but…

    For me it’s A Wrinkle in Time, Bridge to Terabithia, and The Little Broomstick. When I found out that Mary Stewart, one of my favorite authors, wrote that last one, it blows my mind that I couldn’t finish that book, despite having started it at least twenty times.

    1. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

      Ooooooo!!! I like this!

      First thing that comes to mind….. I’m honestly tempted to say the Harry Potter series. Granted I read that series way into adulthood a couple summers ago so def not the target audience. I am also not a fantasy person. But I don’t get the hype. It was fine and I cried at parts but I don’t have the urge to re-read the series like I know some people do.

      And also the author has transphobic views which I do not support.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same. I struggled to get through the books a first time and never had any inclination to reread them, even before the author went gross.

      2. Meow*

        I don’t like it and I just assumed that the genre is wrong for me. I dislike fantasy, I dislike anything that involving making one person the born special chosen one hero. So I didn’t get very far at all.

      3. word nerd*

        I liked the first book but as the series progressed the books got more and more bloated unnecessarily and could’ve really used a lot of cutting/editing.

        1. Bibliovore*

          This and all the praise when it is derivative of the work of Diane Duane, Diana Wynn Jones, Jill Murphy’s Worst Witch. Garth Nix, Ursula LeGuin.

          1. allx*

            Not to mention Grimms’ Fairy Tales, like the outright lifting of house elves as slaves, and being set free by the gift of clothing.

            1. allx*

              (But regardless, I liked the HP books when I read them (I was late to the hooplah) and still like watching the movies.)

      4. tangerineRose*

        I kept thinking the HP books seemed a little derivative. I read some of the first ones but got bored with one of the books where nothing seemed to be happening.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          I agree. I’m not a fantasy fan, and this seems like your basic heroes journey.

          And I hate that Harry is the chosen one.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            Agree that from Goblet of Fire onwards, the books need some serious pruning. Reading them it felt like trying to force down a meal which you started off enjoying but can’t leave leftovers.

      5. allathian*

        I still enjoy them, even if I feel slightly guilty that I do. But they turned my son into a reader (even if all the books had been published when he was born) so I guess I’m grateful for that.

        I never got the hype about Huckleberry Finn or Tom Sawyer.

        1. Yankees fans are awesome!*

          Wouldn’t classify those as YA-specific, though. More like classic Ametican lit. taught in schools.

      6. Jenesis*

        I am a fantasy person and I still am not a fan of the series. I struggled mightily to get through the beginning of the first book (particularly the first chapter – why would you start off a book by introducing the reader to the most boring, unlikeable characters in it?), rode the expected cliches through books 2 and 3, and gave up halfway through book 4 due to the amount of sideplot bloat that was mercifully cut out in the movie version.

      7. Lexi Vipond*

        I enjoyed them at the time, and it was fun being part of something, with loads of other people around me reading them as they came out, but I’ve never really wanted to reread them.

      8. Undine Spragg*

        You’re a wizard, Harry! And some day, if you study hard and pass all your exams, you can grow up to be a wizard bureaucrat!

          1. Southern Violet*

            Harry is the jock who peaked in high school, married his best friend’s sister, and became a cop. So unoriginal.

      9. Emerald 777*

        Me too. I read them in high school, and despite being a voracious reader I struggled with them. I never even opened the last book.

      10. Helvetica*

        Same for me. I did read them as they came out but there was big gap between books 4 and 5, and in that time, I lost interest completely.

      11. Wingo Staww*

        I LOVE Harry Potter. I have been a Potterhead since I was like 12 and picked up the first book. It’s my favorite example of world-building.

        What sucks is I am LGBTQ myself AND a fervent trans ally, so my love for HP and utter disdain for its creator are constantly at odds.

      12. Dontbeadork*

        I will cheerfully say the HP series. But part, I suspect, is that at some point the hit the same age as the kids I was teaching and I got enough of the angst at work without it pouring into my leisure.

        And, to be fair, I just got sick of the coverage of every time JKR sneezed. It probably prejudiced me against the books by about book 4, whatever that was called.

      13. Hoary Vervain*

        Wrinkle in Time never quite did it for me but I *loved* L’Engle’s A Ring of Endless Light. It was the basis for my personal belief system for a good while (until I discovered Sartre in high school and became an atheist).

        I feel like I should be using an anonymous handle on this particular thread because boy am I outing myself as an insufferable child…

        1. velveteen rabbit*

          Well, if you’re an insufferable child then so am I because I could have written this comment almost word for word.

          I too didn’t love a Wrinkle in Time, but A Ring of Endless Light had more of an impact on my belief system than any other book I read as a kid and it absolutely changed the way I viewed death and the connectedness of humanity. I can’t lie, I’m very much an atheist now but I suspect that book’s influence still lingers in how I interact with the world.

          1. Hoary Vervain*

            Haha glad to hear I’m not the only one.

            And the Velveteen Rabbit is one of my favorite children’s books. I have already taught my kids that when you love a toy enough, it becomes Real.

        2. The OG Sleepless*

          I adored A Wrinkle in Time [I wanted to be best friends with Meg!], and I read most of her other YA books. I liked A Ring of Endless Light. (Her book titles are sooo beautiful!) I discovered A Live Coal in the Ocean at a used book store awhile back, which appears to be a sequel to Camilla, and to my surprise I couldn’t get into it. I then remembered I didn’t really love Camilla, and that her storytelling could drag sometimes.

      14. Hyaline*

        I always thought maybe I hit HP too old–but honestly, I loved fantasy, still do, and just found them…meh. They lacked a certain depth and innovation of imagination to me that, maybe, allowed newer readers to fantasy to find them more approachable? IDK, but I find that to be true for a lot of wildly popular fantasy YA and now romantasy.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah I think I was too old when they came out. I think it’s really a thing you have to read at a certain age to appreciate. I saw the films with a friend who really liked it and thought they were quite fun especially the visual effects.

          1. The OG Sleepless*

            I was in my 30s when they came out, and I’m not really a fantasy reader. They didn’t quite speak to my soul the way they would have if I were a kid, but I could totally see their appeal.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yes I can definitely see the appeal. The characters and world are very engaging so I think they’d definitely appeal to a lot of children. It just didn’t quite work for me at the age I was at the time (late teens / early 20s).

        2. bay scamp*

          I dunno, (aging myself here) I purposefully didn’t read the books when I was in high school because I thought I was too cool, then started reading them in college, which was around when the 4th book came out. After that I was very into them for a long time, including having some silly related t-shirts and going to midnight releases of the subsequent books. Obviously I’m quite disillusioned now and will never read them again or have any related items!

          And I prettymuch exclusively read speculative fiction (the term I use for fantasy and science fiction).

      2. Six Feldspar*

        I do appreciate it for inspiring Kate Bush’s song which was then covered by the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain!

      3. Ellis Bell*

        I loved it a lot more after studying it with a great teacher, but at the end of the day they’re awful people who have really avoidable problems.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          A perfect description! Love that book, but find its status as a Grand Romance bewildering.

          Have you seen Hark! A Vagrant’s take? Link below:

        1. Jenesis*

          I want to say it’s because Lockwood and Nelly are the least awful people in the book.

          I was forced to read it in high school English and I didn’t enjoy it at all. Partly because it was a “love story” that my ace ass could not relate to and partly because of what Ellis Bell said – I found all of the characters unlikeable and couldn’t care about what happened to any of them.

          1. Hlao-roo*

            When I first read Wuthering Heights as an adult, I was confused because I had heard it was a romance/love story and I read it as a fascinating (but decidedly non-romantic take) on several abusive relationships.

            In any case, I agree that Lockwood and Nelly are the least awful people in the book by miles.

            1. Ellis Bell*

              The explanation that it’s a study of revenge makes so much more sense to me than it being a love story. The love angle simply perpetuates the need for revenge. I think some people decided a female author equalled romance automatically.

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                Basically, yep, that’s what happened. I am still astounded by people who crush on Heathcliff–even knowing his issues and why he’s such a glassbowl, I find NOTHING about his horrible behavior sexy!

      5. Artemesia*

        Having had a tragedy with bi polar illness in the family, I don’t find serious mental illness ‘romantic’ — Never could really get with Wuthering Heights.

      7. Yankees fans are awesome!*

        But is WH considered YA in the definitive sense? I’ve always thought of it as classic British lit. taught in schools.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I read it and Jane Eyre for A-Level, so when I was 16-18. (Not sure what the US equivalent is).

          My main memory is a school trip to Haworth in Yorkshire staying at the place which is Thrushcross Grange in the book and 3 days in a freezing cold building with no central heating, sporadic hot water and yomping across the moors to the site of Wuthering Heights.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          I think at this point it’s almost a distinction without a difference with classic lit vs YA. At this point the primary audience of classic lit is 13-16 year olds who’ve been assigned it in school, so whether they were the original intended audience is irrelevant.

    3. Marmalade Today*

      Harriet the Spy. I did not understand the setting, the culture, or the plot. I read it multiple times because it was in the house, but was mystified each time.
      Governesses, mean girls, and city dwellers generally were too far out of my rural childhood experience.

        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Same! I related and also didn’t at all. I loved the book but my main takeaway was that I wanted to be a child psychologist when I grew up(?).

          Also I was the only kid I knew who ever used ratfink as an insult.

      2. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        I think those were actually the things I liked about Harriet the Spy! It was sort of anthropological for a kid in the exurbs.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          For me it was From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler–so far from my everyday life! But so intriguing!

          2. Hoary Vervain*

            Ooh that one never did it for me but Father’s Arcane Daughter, The View from Saturday, and A Proud Taste for Scarlet and Miniver were three of my favorite books as a kid (each for very different reasons).

              1. one of the many librarians*

                I heard E. L. Konigsburg speak at a writing conference in the 1980’s and Father’s Arcane Daughter was her favorite of her own books. I love them all.

      3. Frieda*

        I also did not like Harriet even though I love a girl protagonist, I love a child detective, I love a long book. But I tried a couple of the Harriet books several times and just could not get into them or enjoy them even a little bit.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        I thought the same! Granted, I read a lot of books that were set either in New York City or the northeastern suburbs, so I was used to books that assumed I was familiar with the setting when I actually lived in the rural South. I just couldn’t vibe with Harriet. I was a bit different as a kid, but she was seriously maladjusted.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. One other parents have described reading to their kids, and the kids were just agog, while the parent was like “Man, I did not remember that the Christian allegory was delivered with a hammer.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Weirdly, I read it a zillion times as a child and was solidly into my 20s before I realized it was a Christian allegory. I don’t even know.

        1. Anon for this*

          I didn’t know either until a classmate in my high school comparative religions class did his book report on it. But then, I’m not Christian which makes it easier to miss.

          But I still love and reread the whole series, except The a last Battle, which I never liked.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          Likewise, but this is where I roll out my standard disclaimer: “I grew up Jewish.” In other words, if a message was obviously Christian, it probably sailed right over my head. I remember being strongly aware that the descriptions of Aslan the lion carried an important message and that I had absolutely no idea of the actual contents of said message.

          My favorite part of this book was the way the fur coats hanging in the wardrobe usually, but not always, turned into snow-covered fir trees in a winter woodland. What a great idea!

        3. The Prettiest Curse*

          The Christian allegory went way over my head, too – and I was (technically) raised as a Catholic!

        4. UKDancer*

          Yeah that went over my head too. I didn’t clock that despite growing up loosely Methodist and it took a long time for me to get that. I quite liked LWW and Horse and his Boy and Dawn Treader, but was meh on the rest and they weren’t my favourites.

          I do remember asking my mother about the line about battles being ugly when women fought as I didn’t see why it was uglier. She explained that Lewis fought in WW1 on the Somme and it meant he saw a lot of unpleasant fighting. She also explained the broader historical context (in appropriate terms). So we had an interesting discussion which I still remember to this day.

          2. Crooked Bird*

            I was angered by that line about battles being ugly when women fight as a kid but had more sympathy for it later on! I think I thought he was saying women fight dirty but later decided he was saying it was horrible to see women hurt & killed, or that it might even be a veiled reference to the role of sexual assault in war. I love that your mom made it an interesting age-appropriate discussion on war in any case.

            I liked Horse and His Boy best for the sole reason that after awhile it was the only one I hadn’t read a dozen times. My parents had loaned it to someone who hadn’t given it back, and eventually we ended up with another copy. It really wasn’t the best at tall, but it was a fresh story to me!

      2. CityMouse*

        The books also go wildly off the rails after Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Silver Chair and Last Battle are both super weird.

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, yes. Tolkien converted CS Lewis to Christianity, and the latter embedded it in everything he then wrote. Some of it was quite transparent (like The Screwtape Letters) but much of it was subtle. There’s a lively article from 2005 by Polly Toynbee of The Guardian about the whole thing.

      4. Chaordic One*

        I didn’t get the allegory part when I first read it and I just thought the book was “meh.” After the allegory part was pointed out the book became detestable to me.

    5. Meow*

      The Hunger Game series. I absolutely loved the premises, and I felt so disappointed that it went nowhere with it. The protagonist is an NPC in her own story, and I found her passiveness and lack of situational awareness so frustrating. It could’ve been about the social inequality and activism within a media propaganda to keep people in their place. Instead it’s just pages and pages of which boy the protagonist liked more.

      1. Jackalope*

        I disliked this series but for a different reason. I’m not a big fan of dystopia, and it was so utterly grim at times. I just… didn’t need those horrible images in my head.

        1. Meow*

          I found the badly written dystopia is also a problem with Hunger Games, but it’s a common issue among writers of developed worlds with privileged lifestyle. A lot of assumptions about what it’s like to have no infrastructure are clearly superficial imaginations, and a lot of them, including Collins, are too arrogant to learn from actual experience of people lived in those situations as they believe only middle class people of Five Eye nations count as people.

          1. Jackalope*

            Anything in particular? I’m curious about what things you were picking up on that were more “privileged person imagines life without amenities”.

            2. Meow*

              I’m sorry that I can’t express it as well as I would like, because a lot of this is difficult to explain. It’s like reading eastern bloc books and I just intuitively get it, and that kind of genuine understanding is lacking here. But examples don’t work, as in order for specific examples to be viable it needs to be taken in the context of a similar framework, and the framework in Hunger Game series is all off. The supposedly starving characters are wasteful, supposedly lack of infrastructure cultural norm lacked plausible unconscious daily life routines that counters that. It’s like reading a Reddit thread primarily consisted of Americans, full of supposedly lifetime fish screaming “I’m wet I’m wet this is so weird I’m wet”.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m always so surprised when people have this “love triangle” take on this series … yes, it led to some really atrocious trends in YA for awhile but the Hunger Games itself was really good and didn’t actually do that!

        1. Meow*

          Way too many pages went to the love triangle as it is. I also hate how it’s obvious the writer is someone whose entire understanding of living in true poverty without infrastructure is based on a few camping trips, and maybe at most a bit brief poverty tourism. Then again, I rarely see writers from developed nations do well about this, I can count about two.

            1. Meow*

              Adrian Tchaikovsky is really good, Firewalkers especially gets it.

              Early Andy McNab’s Nick Stone series also is pretty good on this account. I have other issues with Andy McNab, but he’s good at this thing.

      3. allathian*

        The movies were reasonably entertaining, I find dystopias easier to watch than to read, even if they aren’t my favorite genre by any means.

      4. Quinalla*

        It might make you feel better to know that the love triangle was forced on the author and to me I can tell. She’s not interested in it and neither is the main character. But yeah, I can understand why some would not enjoy The Hunger Games, Katniss is a strange main character for sure, but I loved it even when I was so mad at her choices sometimes haha.

        1. Mutually supportive*

          How does a love triangle get forced on an author? By publishers or an editor? I always thought the author decides what to write?

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Sara Gran’s first novel, Saturn’s Return to New York, had a love story basically sandwiched in by her agent, who insisted that it “needed” it. She went off and wrote one, but then when it was rereleased promptly took it out again. It wasn’t needed and she knew it.

      5. The OG Sleepless*

        I felt like Collins didn’t quite dive deeply enough into how much growing up in that culture would screw you up. I thought that more people would be like the Districts that actively raised the kids to participate and thought it was totally normal.

    6. Forensic13*

      Catcher in the Rye, for me! And I’m sure if this counts as a “classic,” but Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I haaaated Catcher in the Rye. I expressed that to someone in college and he said “well you were never a teenage boy”. No, I was not.

        2. Rainbow & Kittens Type of Kid*

          Right after I graduated from high school I dated a guy whose whole persona was, as my mother called it, “Rebel without a clue”. Acted like everyone was out to get him because he was the smart guy who didn’t care what they thought. Leather jacket, motorcycle boots, wrote “poetry”, everything just a little Too Much. Fast forward a few years and boyfriends down the road and I read Catcher in the Rye a few years after college when I was on a Classics summer reading kick. Needless to say, had I read it before might have recognized old boyfriend as a complete rip off of the main character’s schtick. ;)

        3. Seashell*

          I was a teenage girl when I first read Catcher in the Rye and loved it. I read it many times after that, but it’s been a good 20 years, so I don’t know if it would hold up for me.

          1. ThatGirl*

            TBH I think that dude was a bit sexist but he seemed to connect with the teenage boy-ness of it. I had no interest in rereading it just to prove him wrong.

          2. velveteen rabbit*

            Yeah, I read the Catcher in the Rye at age 17 for my Junior year English class and I remember finishing it in one night and crying through a hell of a lot of it. I was a deeply messed up actively suicidal kid with a deeply messed up family and that was the first time I felt *seen* by a book in a really profound way.

            I haven’t read it since because I’m sure it wouldn’t hold up in the same way, but it was hugely important to me at the time.

        4. PhyllisB*

          I tried reading it in school and couldn’t get into it. I keep saying I’m going to try it again someday but just never do. Too many of books I enjoy!!

        5. Bibliovore*

          oh HATED Catcher in the Rye, A Separate Peace, The Chocolate War. Lord of the Flies. Nope I was never a teenage boy.

        6. Nightengale*

          I read it for high school and wanted to write “I could not relate to any of the characters” over and over in every assignment we had about it. The whole time I was reading it, my father recalled having read it for fun as a young adult and kept recalling it positively as a great adventure.

          He finally, at my behest, reread it and said it was really depressing.

          I have in my life as a girl/women related to many books with male protagonists but this sure was not one of them.

      2. MEH Squared*

        I was trying to think of one, read your repsonse and internally flinched because I remembered how much I disliked the book. So, yes, Catcher in the Rye for me as well.

      3. UKDancer*

        Yeah I suffered Catcher in the Rye at school and was so bored. It had absolutely no relevance to my life as a British, fairly lower middle class schoolgirl. I just felt the protagonist needed a strong kick in the backside and to be made to get on with life. Nothing happened and he was annoying throughout.

        I gather my essays on the subject at school were fairly scathing.

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, *Catcher in the Rye* left me cold too when I read it in high school. I felt like Holden was a phony himself. Maybe I’d get it more now that I’m old and know more about other American subcultures, but at the time, I didn’t really see the point.

      6. Heffalump*

        I ate it up. What was perfect was that when I read it, I was, like Holden Caulfield, going to a boarding school in Pennsylvania and not much liking it. In fact, a friend at the school lent it to me. Unike Holden Caulfield, I didn’t run away in the dead of night (too much of a wimp), and I graduated from the school.

      1. Meow*

        Lord of the Flies is such an odd one to me. I didn’t like it, partly because I was recommended it via a much less known but much better written story. But then turned out a lot of the interpretation of LoF is quite off, and it was intended as a fanfic to counter the argument that nobles are born moral. So now my feelings are complicated.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          That’s so interesting as an example of creative work going out into the world and then meaning different things to different people, sometimes wildly at odds with what the author intended. (For me it was reading Heinlein’s juveniles: I picked up the sexism but he was super old–even older than my dad–so I happily ignored it.)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I hate this book, and don’t think it’s at all what humans default toward.

        Apparently the author also hates the book. So there’s that.

          1. I take tea*

            Rutger Bregman has written a book called Humankind. A hopeful history, where he talks about this, among other things. It was quite nice to read. The original title, as far as I understand, means something more along the lines of “most people are ok”. I try to keep this in mind, even if it’s hard at the moment.

        2. Shinespark*

          I hated this book in high school. My English teacher leaned heavily on the “all humanity is awful deep down” angle, and optimistic little me couldn’t stand it.

          But I’ve softened on it since learning that wasn’t what the author was going for, exactly. The book lampooned the colonialist trend in children’s literature at the time. The common view that ~of course~ angelic little English boys were naturally noble and pure, and would bring “civilisation” and “enlightenment” to “lesser people” by virtue of their mere existence. (puke)

      3. Nice cup of tea*

        I was forced to read it for school. I hated that book. I was quite young and I found it grim and disturbing and yet boring at the same time. I loved reading but the curriculum books put me off. I was also too young to really understand “of mice and men” the next book on the list of ways to make bookloving teen hate reading. I might have found it more interesting when I was ready for it. Probably not.

        The other group got 1984 which I borrowed and read. Much more interesting to me. Animal farm went right over my head, but again I was younger and it made more sense when I was older.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I had to read 1984 four times in three years of high school and I just hated it. You’d think the English teachers could have compared their book lists, but out of twelve semester-long English electives available to the 10-12th graders, something like eight of them required 1984, six required Of Mice and Men, four required The Scarlet Letter and three required Lord of the Flies.

      4. Person from the Resume*

        I hated Lord of the Flies. I read it in high school.

        I wanted the characters to be more heroic or at least the good ones to be smart enough to survive.

        I do agree that LotF is probably pretty realistic.

    8. Banana Pyjamas*

      A Separate Peace. I DNF on my first read around 7th grade. I pushed through because it was part of the curriculum in 9th grade. It was horrible. The main character was just an overall terrible person and reminded me of my dad with the whiny, morose and selfish bs.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I didn’t hate it but didn’t love it. I recall finding it confusing when I read it in high school, but I have no idea why it’s considered a classic.

      2. Bay*

        I remember being really moved by A Separate Peace when I read it (not for school) around that age, but I didn’t want to revisit it later. I later read ‘the Starboard Sea’ as an adult and thought it was a much better approach to similar themes

    9. Jill Swinburne*

      Is Lord of the Rings YA enough? It leaves me cold. I forced my way through them, but…nothing.

      Sadly, so does Discworld. I love PTerry’s writing, I just can’t follow the plots for all the references and jokes. My friend diagnosed my problem to be that I just don’t get along with epic fantasy (yet I still like Harry Potter if not the author – I suppose it’s because it still has a real-world grounding).

      1. JustEm*

        Same for me with Lord of the Rings. I loved The Hobbit but could barely force myself through the LoTR books (I started multiple times before actually getting through them)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Same. I love the stories and semi-regularly rewatch the movies, but I hated the writing style in LOTR. (The Hobbit was the other way around – I love the book and really could do without about 2/3 of the movies. :-P )

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Liked the *Hobbit* okay but couldn’t get anywhere with *Lord of the Rings* etc. myself.

        3. Dontbeadork*

          After my initial reading, I gave myself permission to just skip bits, which makes the story flow better. That whole fever dream of Tom Bombadil was just so weird to me as a kid, but once I found where the story picked up again it was better. And I generally just jumped the poetry. I figured that if it was important to know I could always go back and read it.

          It was not.

      2. captain5xa*

        Sometimes, it’s not so much the plot but the writing style that I can’t stand. LotR is a perfect example of that to me.

        Last of the Mohicans is another example. The author takes pages to seemingly describe a blade of grass. Get on with the story! Who cares?!

    10. Clara Bowe*

      I tried the first of the Vampire Academy books a few years ago and I think I just aged out of that kind of serial? I also really bounced off of the Diana Wynn Jones books. I didn’t hate them, but I fundamentally don’t understand the abject joy. Glad they all exist for the readers out there who love them!

      1. tangerineRose*

        I like some of the Diana Wynne Jones books better than others, and there was one I didn’t like at all.

        Archer’s Goon was fun and surprising. The Year of the Griffin was fun.

        The Dalemark Quartet books had a fair bit of sadness in them.

        1. Clara Bowe*

          I’ll admit I have only ever tried the Howl series, but idk. Sometimes you click with an author and sometimes you don’t!

    11. word nerd*

      I don’t like any of the books I’ve read from John Green or Sarah J Maas, but I’m not sure if any of their books would count as “classics”. Maybe The Fault in Our Stars is now a classic considering 5.5 million people have rated it on Goodreads (holy cow!).

      I recently read Daddy Long Legs by Jean Webster and was disturbed by the premise even though I had really enjoyed the book as a kid, sigh. Could not even finish the sequel with all the fun eugenics talk.

      1. Magdalena*

        Daddy Long Legs used to be one of my faves as a teen and now it’s just creepy.
        Similar creepiness for similar reason (young girl groomed by an adult man) in Emily of New Moon.
        I’m uncomfortable with the idea of these books still being recommended to kids.

        1. word nerd*

          Coincidentally, I read both Emily of New Moon and Daddy Long Legs last year and yep, I found Dean very creepy too, but at least in that case she doesn’t end up with him, and I think we’re supposed to recognize that Dean is not the ideal partner.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I agree with that part–you can tell Emily is kind of forcing herself because of deep depression and she thinks she “owes” it to him but it’s clearly made to seem a terrible idea.

          2. LBD*

            I didn’t feel that Montgomery wanted us to see Dean as a romantic character, and she was pretty clear that it wasn’t a good relationship. She also included a number of positive adult men in Emily’s life, first her father, then Uncle Jimmy and her teacher Mr. Carpenter, who all cared about Emily and had healthy relationships with her. I didn’t see the character of Dean as a flaw in the narrative, but a depiction of how sometimes people we meet and befriend only see us as a supporting character in their personal narrative, and we have to protect ourselves from them.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Oh, God, the Dean/Emily thing. Dude, you are a grown ass man. Your jealousy over Emily having *friends* was just so red flag.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        Yeah, the “Daddy Long Legs” character is extremely manipulative and problematic, but I do still like the book because of its descriptions of college life over 100 years ago and the creepy romance stuff is only a small part, but yeah.

        1. word nerd*

          Yes, I loved the main character and her voice and her pictures, but as an adult I found the benefactor super creepy.

    12. Jackalope*

      When I was younger I enjoyed Susan Cooper’s series The Dark Is Rising. And then I reread it a few years ago and all the fairy gold had turned to withered leaves. I don’t remember why it felt like it crumbled in my hands, but it did.

      Although at least part of it is the whole memory wiping. The main character, Will, discovers that he’s what’s called an Old One, and has to protect the earth or something like that. He has multiple conversations where he discusses this with various family members and/or close friends and basically he tells them, they are shocked and don’t know what to say (since they didn’t know that such a thing existed). And then a minute later he wipes their memory of the conversation and feels dreadfully alone because no one outside of his new life can truly understand him. And I wanted to shake him and say, “Maybe if you gave them more than 2 minutes to think about it they might have been able to deal!” And at the very end there’s a character whose wife was working for the Dark Side. He is understandably upset about this, and is offered the chance to forget about this. He doesn’t know, so he leaves the choice up to someone with the power to do this, and they wipe his memory of all of the knowledge of her on the Dark Side (I think his memory is replaced with a memory of her dying somehow). And that just seemed so cheap and lousy to me. Memories matter, and while this was a bad one, it’s still denying him the truth of his wife and to some extent of their marriage, which is a big deal even if this may have been less painful.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Interesting, that’s never really stood out to me even on adult re-reads but I get your feelings for sure! I still love the series but definitely struggled more as an adult with her depiction of Jane vs. the boys and with some racist language at least in the first book (haven’t reread the books after The Dark is Rising itself as recently)

      2. word nerd*

        I love many series similar to Cooper’s series, but I tried The Dark Is Rising twice (the second time I had forgotten that I had already given it a shot once before) and just couldn’t get into it. I haven’t been interested in picking up any of the sequels.

      3. Three from the circle*

        I still love them (even went on a trip to Wales because of them about fifteen years ago) but the memory wiping, and the way the boys sometimes sideline Jane, has always bothered me. But they always felt very evocative of the places they were set and I’m not someone who gets a movie in my head while reading so that was really meaningful for me.

        1. UKDancer*

          I agree I love them.

          I mean yes some of the ideas and the way the boys see Jane are annoying and possibly not in keeping with modern thinking, but that’s what happens with books written in the 1970s. The view they have of their sister are probably quite accurate to what boys of that era thought of their sisters. I’d be more surprised and disbelieving if they had 21st century views on equality quite frankly.

          I think you either accept books as a product of their era and the writer’s views or you don’t read the books. People had the ideas they had even if you’d rather they hadn’t. It throws me out more when you have a book with someone from a period in history saying things that are completely out of synch with the way people of that time usually thought.

          I really like the series, I love the descriptions and the fact that there are difficult choices made and imperfect children doing their best. I love the use of language and visual imagery. I also love Greenwitch because it reminds me of holidays in Cornwall as a child.

          1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

            This is the reason I was dead set against the PCification of Roald Dahl’s works a few years ago. If you don’t think his works are appropriate for children because of the way they portray, for instance, fat people, then don’t use them in classroom settings. I can understand that. But that was the way he wrote, and it’s not honest to conceal that.

        2. Alice*

          I also don’t get movies in my head, and I also liked the Dark is Rising series, and I wonder if you are aware of the audiobook (well, dramatization, I guess – more of a radio play than an audiobook) version by the BBC? They did cool stuff with directional audio – I listened on noise canceling headphones to get the spatial sound experience and it was amazing. I still didn’t get a movie on my head, but I was definitely more immersed in the story and environment.

      4. Mephyle*

        I’m another non-fan of The Dark Is Rising. Read the first book once, not motivated to continue the series.

        I never read it as a child, but as both a young person and an adult I’ve enjoyed many fantasies for older children and young adults. But this was one book that I just couldn’t get into. It’s been quite a long time since I tried, and all I remember about it is that it was a tedious slog consisting of one instance after another that “Somehow Will knew that…”

      5. Mutually supportive*

        I LOVED The Dark is Rising as a teenager. Read it again in my 30s and still liked it but not as much. I’m early 40s now and have no recollection of the regular memory wiping of others, somehow that must’ve not felt significant to me!

    13. Charlotte Lucas*

      I read all the books in the Chronicles of Narnia multiple times. I just could never get through The Silver Chair.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        It was my least favorite, partly because the setting is so gloomy, and partly because the kids aren’t doing a very good job on their quest and only end up succeeding by dumb luck. There just wasn’t much to cheer for.

        1. Jackalope*

          I read a really good review of this book (and most of the other Narnia books) that pointed out that the kids were doing fine on their quest as much as they could, it’s just that Lewis felt like they weren’t and wanted to make them look bad. For example, the very first thing they were told to do was, as it turns out, go talk to the dying King Caspian. You may or may not recall that Eustace fell over the cliff first and then Jill had this whole conversation with Alan where he was kind of a jerk to her and stretched it out (for example by sitting in front of the stream as a freaking lion so she couldn’t get water without passing by him and then refusing to say that he wouldn’t attack her if she came to get water) before he sent her on her way. The two of them landed at about the same time (despite Aslan’s shenanigans taking so long), but they were deposited on the other side of a huge crowd from where Caspian was. Somehow they were supposed to accomplish: Jill telling Eustace the clue, Eustace figuring out who the “old friend” was (even though he had no way of knowing at a glance), AND making it all the way across the large crowd, in about 2 minutes between landing and Caspian leaving in… a ship, I think it was. If Aslan had really wanted them to succeed he could have been more direct and/or at least left them close enough that they had a frigging chance of getting there in time.

          Likewise the clue about the letters giving them instructions to go under ground. Lewis mostly wanted to use that to show everyone that Jill was stupid and kind of sinful by virtue of not following Aslan (whom she had only met the once when he was deliberately trying to scare her) and being a girl. They ended up in the letters which were so big that they were nearly impossible to read from their perspective. And they ended up there in the middle of a blizzard. Jill in particular was wearing shorts and a thin sweater (described earlier in the book). So the idea that she was supposed to figure out that these weird half tunnels were writing, and that she was supposed to make her way through them enough to figure out what the words were, while she was literally freezing to death, is preposterous. (The person doing the book review did a bit of research and because of where he lived, Lewis probably never dealt with any serious snow and so wasn’t thinking about how this would be a literally deadly situation for all of them, but especially the underdressed Jill.) They got into the giants’ home and that gave them the perspective to see the letters the very next day. Which is pretty good given the circumstances.

          And the final clue was one that ironically (given that he ragged on Jill over and over during the book for not remembering every word perfectly) Lewis got wrong. At the beginning Aslan told Jill that they would know the prince by the fact that he would be the first person to ask them to do something in the name of Narnia. I don’t have the book in front of me, but at the end Lewis unthinkingly changed it to, “You must do the first thing asked of you in the name of Narnia.” Which wasn’t the clue and could have been dangerous given how much Lewis ragged on them for everything.

          Anyway, I’ll leave it at that, but I have Opinions on this apparently.

    14. Irene in VA*

      Anne of Green Gables left me cold. I should probably try it again, since so many people whose taste in books I respect love it.

      1. allathian*

        I love them, even while I’m very happy that I don’t live in that world. I find the idea of living in a village or small town where everyone knows everyone’s business incredibly oppressive. The casual sexism is par for the course, I suppose, but the casual racism (Jerry Buote) gets under my skin.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        You might prefer the Blue Castle. I love Anne, but if the initial chapters don’t make you laugh, it doesn’t really change much after that and there’s no dramatic story arc. The relationships deepen and Anne changes, but essentially it’s very day to day, with the same humour throughout.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          The Blue Castle has its own controversy. Open a copy side by side with Colleen McCullough’s book The Ladies of Missalonghi, released in 1987. Paragraph by paragraph, they are almost identical. McCullough was accused of plagiarizing. She admitted that she had read The Blue Castle, and suggested the attribution was entirely subconscious. Oh, please. When it came out, my local bookshop put both in the window with big signs labeling copier and copied. A local improv team did a dramatic reading one evening – it was a hoot. Really brought the book (which one???) to life.

          1. Mephyle*

            Since The Blue Castle predated The Ladies of Missalonghi by quite a few decades, it is the latter that bears the taint of controversy, not the former. What you wrote makes that clear, but your first sentence could be misleading.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Sure – fair enough. What I meant was that it was part of a controversy, certainly not caused by LM Montgomery. I am sure she would not have been pleased to be involved, and really, her estate should have benefited from McCullough’s royalties.

      3. LBD*

        Anne of Green Gables is pretty much just a series of vignettes from her growing-up years. What I find interesting about it is the window it opens onto how casually children were treated back then, especially children without caring guardians. Not sure how far we have come, but the idea of asking a neighbour/friend to pick up an orphan for you while they were out and about is a pretty strange thing when you think about it. I did like Rilla of Ingleside, for the insight it gives into daily life for a family during World War 1.
        Blue Castle is certainly a more adult book, in plot as well as in subject. I also enjoyed Jane of Lantern Hill, and the Emily of New Moon trilogy.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Yes! Anne is handed around like an inconvenient parcel, and clearly considered only for how much unpaid labor can be gotten out of her. I remember reading those books as a kid and being appalled at how easily children who lost one or both parents were simply packaged off as serfs to any relatives around without a blink.

        2. Clisby*

          Yeah, the orphan thing is strange to us, but it’s not ancient history. My father-in-law, born in 1923, was taken out of an orphanage at 16 to work on a farm. As I understand it, the farmer went to the orphanage personally, explained he needed a farmhand, and FIL was handed over. (I have no idea whether he had a choice, or was eager to leave the orphanage; he’d have had to leave at 18 anyway.)

      4. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I trailed off after the first couple of Anne books as a kid and never really got the love for them. Then when I was going through a bit of a heavy period in my life a few years ago, I turned back to them and her ability to find joy and beauty and delight was so heartening. All that to say, if you are interested in retrying, I can see now being a time they would feel comforting.
        (Also second The Blue Castle, although the beginning took me a bit to get into.)

      5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I never saw the appeal of *Anne of Green Gables* as a kid, but I read it as an adult and liked it. I didn’t get far with the book after that one, though. Seconding the recommendation of *The Blue Castle* below — it is a nice romance.

      6. velveteen rabbit*

        Oh god, I hated that entire series. It was impossibly twee in a way that left me feeling vaguely disgusted and Anne herself just always made me want to slap her.

        The only book that Montgomery ever wrote that I actually enjoyed was Jane of Lantern Hill, though I definitely understood Emily more than I did Anne.

    15. Anon for this*

      A Catcher in the Rye. I’ve come to realize that what draws me to a book is a connection to the character, and I had no use for Holden Caulfield.

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      HATCHET. I grew up always seeing it at the library but never read it – I loved survival/adventure type stories but saw it as a “boy” book and wasn’t interested when I could read Julie of the Wolves instead. My students chose it as a read aloud this year and it was so. boring. I hate how it’s written. I hate his meager backstory that gets referenced over and over and comes to nothing. Truly do not understand how this book got hyped up the way it did (I see the value as like a “get a reluctant boy to read” book but I expected it to be much higher quality writing/plot than it was)

      1. Crooked Bird*

        The entire point of that guy’s books is the expression of the mindset of survival in the wild–of how it’s learned and what it’s like. There’s not a lot of that out there, and I like Hatchet b/c I absolutely find that particular thing very interesting. But purely as a story, he pretty much skips over at least one & maybe more of the major story beats & then tells it as a flashback, so yeah… story & writing is not really the value of it.

    17. Socks*

      “The Giver” was just weird and depressing, and the end was so out of step with the tone of the rest of the book. I can see why it’s admired but it just left me cold. I’m having a physical recoil reaction right now, actually, just thinking about it.

      1. Sherman*

        THANK YOU! I’ve hated The Giver since my 8th grade class was forced to read it decades ago. My disdain for it has never wained even a bit and I agree about the ending; it felt like the entire story was building towards something and then it’s just an abrupt letdown. Later on I read the YA books The City of Ember and The People of Sparks and liked those much better, as I think those were more what I’d hoped The Giver would be like.

    19. Prawo Jazdy*

      Charlotte’s Web came instantly to mind. It’s often referenced as a beloved classic and I Just Dont Get It. It felt more like a sloppy first draft than a finished story.

      1. Mephyle*

        This has always seemed to me to be an adult book. Is it because the point-of-view character is a child during the course of events that so many people classify this as a book for children or young people?

        1. allx*

          Can confirm: definitely an adult book. I am reading To Kill a Mockingbird right now as a buddy read with a first year high school student who has been assigned it for class. I haven’t read it in years. The language, sentence structure, moving chronology, and covered topics (even outside the eventual main story line) require rigorous attention and effort. I can’t imagine my student-buddy being able to wade through it. I am seriously considering getting her the cliff notes version, or having her watch the old movie.

          1. Bella Ridley*

            Really? I feel like it’s assigned as an extremely standard high school novel across North America, and not particularly challenging in some of those arenas.

            1. Allskate*

              Yeah I read it in 6th or 7th grade (age 11-12) as part of an all-class lesson and I don’t remember it being particularly challenging.

            2. KatCardigans*

              It is often assigned in high school and is not a challenging book to read. But lots of books assigned in high school aren’t YA. For one thing, the protagonist in TKAM is younger than I would expect to see in a YA. I wouldn’t call Wuthering Heights or LotR, which have also turned up in this thread, straight YA either, even though they are often read by teenagers, and I’ve seen several books mentioned that I would interpret as children’s rather than YA.

              In the end it’s all mostly marketing terminology to appeal to specific audiences, though, so I don’t think there’s any major reason to exclude it the conversation here. (These are my thoughts as a high school librarian, anyway.)

          2. fhqwhgads*

            This book was assigned to me in fifth grade, and I do not recall it taking significant effort to follow.

          3. Saturday*

            Wouldn’t it be better to just discuss the book with her as she’s reading it – rather than relying on cliff notes or the movie? There were a lot of books that would have been too advanced for me to read alone, but talking them over in class made them work for me, and some of those books are now the ones I have the fondest memories of.

        2. UKDancer*

          I don’t know. I read it as a pre-teen of about 12 but I was always reading books that were more advanced. My mother tended to support me reading what I wanted even if it was older or less suitable and we discussed it afterwards if I had questions.

          I loved it, I thought the strong female characters like Miss Maudie and Calpurnia were brilliant. As a child I related to Scout a lot and found it was really funny. I also liked the slightly musical dialogue and the way Harper Lee wrote descriptions of things about living in the South then that were unfamiliar to me in the cold north of the UK. It made the US sound fascinatingly exotic.

        3. Clisby*

          I read it in 7th or 8th grade – that was fairly typical when I went to school (I’m 71).

          Same for my own children (who are now 23 and 28).

    21. Irish Teacher.*

      It’s a children’s book rather than YA, but Alice in Wonderland. To the point that as a kid, I actually wondered if I was reading a kids’ abridged version or something and therefore was missing something deeper. There just didn’t seem to be a point.

      1. Jackalope*

        Alice in Wonderland made a lot more sense to me once I figured out that it was a story written by one person for another to showcase their various inside jokes and stories. It doesn’t mean much to other people because that wasn’t the point. I also fail to understand what other people (outside the little girl who was the original audience) see in it, but I can live with that.

    22. Clisby*

      Is Go Ask Alice a YA classic? It appears to be still in print. I didn’t try to read it until a couple of years ago, when I started reading books people were trying to have removed from school libraries. I love to read and I couldn’t finish it – never mind how poorly written it is, it’s one of the most tedious books I’ve ever read. It’s still in print, so maybe it speaks to some people, but I don’t get it.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It seems to be most famous nowadays as a hoax–purported to be a found diary but totally fiction.

      2. Seashell*

        When I first read it in the early 80’s, I thought it was an actual diary. It used to be presented as such, and I didn’t find out it was fiction until I was an adult. I think the newer versions make it clear that it was not written by an anonymous girl.

        I liked the book, although some of the language seemed off to me. I chalked it up to “Alice” being of a different generation than me, but in retrospect it makes sense that it was not written by a young person. It definitely made drugs seem unappealing, so that was a plus.

        I read the book Unmask Alice: LSD, Satanic Panic, and the Imposter Behind the World’s Most Notorious Diaries in the past few years, and that was interesting.

    23. Not A Manager*

      I also am meh on The Dark Is Rising series. I tried it as a child and I think got through one or two of the books. I found them slow and hard to follow. Then I tried as an adult, because I thought maybe I’d been too young to understand them. Reading them is like watching ice melt. Did not finish.

    24. RussianInTexas*

      I have a list!
      The House in the Cerulean Sea – total boring meh
      A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking by T. Kingfisher – meh
      The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern – a boring try-hard
      Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel. Tudors are my catnip, but I could not even get to the half of the book. The writing turned me off.
      Wicked, by Gregory Maguire. I finished it but it was a hate read. Just hated the whole thing so much.
      The Gunslinger by Steven King. As short as that book is, could not finish it.
      The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. Super boring.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        OMG Thursday Murder Club.
        Was highly recommended to me by a good friend so I *want* to like it, but I have tried multiple times and haven’t made it past the third chapter. I just can’t do it. I don’t get the point of any of it, at all!

    25. Rage*

      Years ago, I read the first book in the “A Series of Unfortunate Events” series. I liked it, so I ordered the entire series in hardback, as a Christmas gift to myself.

      I got to, maybe, the 3rd one and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was so negative – I mean, just every single thing was horrifically horrible with zero redemption or glimmer of hope. I sold them to someone who was getting them for their 13 year old. Part of me felt bad about possibly killing the mental health of a tween, but I figured she could sell them as well if she didn’t like them.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I never read them, but Netflix’s show based on the books is excellent. Done in the more fantastical style, so you know all this is not real life.

      2. SuprisinglyADHD*

        The unending negativity was actually a big part of why I liked them lol. The kids constantly pointing out that the adults are wrong or ignoring the real problem, while the adults ignore them, was really relatable to me. I spent a lot of my childhood saying “that’s not fair!” and HATED the response of “life’s not fair” because I couldn’t understand why that meant “…so we WON’T try to make it any more fair!” So reading about kids taking matters into their own hands and successfully fixing their own problems despite the adults was comforting to me. The message of “life’s not fair… but you personally can make it a bit better and there ARE people trying to fix it even though it seems impossible” helped me feel better as a kid when I felt like nothing was under my control.

      3. Girasol*

        The Lemony Snicket plots are a bit too morose but the little condescendingly adult instructional bits about vocabulary are meant for grownups and are hilarious, I thought.

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I never tried to read them – I ragequit both versions I tried to watch (a film version and the Netflix one) because I couldn’t stand that they were trying to make child abuse fun and entertaining.

    26. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I didn’t like Bridge to Terabithia either. I enjoy fantasy, and the concept of creating their world was very engaging to me, but at the time I HATED unhappy endings. To this day I don’t like fiction with a setting too close to my real life, I’m fine with historical fiction, and urban fantasy, but anything that I could go see right now (even if it would mean traveling to another country), just isn’t appealing to me.
      One series I never liked was Junie B Jones. Even as a little kid I never related to her at all, and the writing style felt almost patronizing at the time. I definitely thought she was rather stupid. (I was a precocious child with a superiority complex about my advanced reading level. I hated feeling like I was being talked down to).
      Interestingly, there are some books I loved as a kid that didn’t hold up to re-visiting when I was older. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett is still one of my all-time favorites but reading it now with much more understanding of history and classism definitely feels different. The message of “be gracious to your abusers and you’ll earn your karma to get a better life” is a bit uncomfortable now. I used to love the Harry Potter books but my habit of analyzing and extrapolating every fictional setting undid that years before JKR started being publicly awful. The fact that the wizards had a second, secret government and a culture that ignored all modern technology but also didn’t have anyone making a fortune selling magical cures for common ailments just didn’t make any sense as I got older.
      On the other hand, I wish I had picked up Diskworld earlier, I would have loved them just as much in middle school as I do now. (I did end up with the Bromelaid Trillogy as a kid, and was fascinated by the explanations of WHY people think and act the way they do).

    27. Cai*

      I’m actually struggling to come up with a YA or children’s book I didn’t like.

      I mean, classics in general aren’t for me. The Scarlet Letter…fantastic plot idea. Love, betrayal, a social outcast discovering herself, etc. And the author is SO BORING. There’s an entire chapter devoted to her picking flowers. There was an entire PAGE describing a doorframe, for goodness sake!
      I think I just don’t enjoy allegory, lol.

      But YA classics were interesting to me because I got to see a slice of life from another era. These kids were hiding from WWII bombers; those kids have a governess, that’s interesting; this kid is friends with the servants’ kids, which isn’t allowed, why not?

      Does The Hobbit count as YA? I read it in the 5th grade and didn’t understand it at all. But I think I was just too young, even if my reading skills were technically high enough.

    28. Allskate*

      A wrinkle in time twins!! I’ve never cared for that book.

      I’ve never been able to finish The Golden Compass and I’ve tried like 5 times (the most I’ve ever gotten was halfway through).

      All forms/adaptations of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are just not my cup of tea. I like Roald Dahl (I LOVED reading Matilda as a kid), I like Gene Wilder, etc…there is just something about the whole Wonka universe that makes me “NOPE” out hard. Sometimes I wonder if there was honestly something wrong with me as a kid :-/
      (I was diagnosed with autism earlier this year as an adult so IDK if there is any correlation between not liking popular childrens’ literature and that??? Or it’s just me???)

    29. Person from the Resume*

      Ender’s Game. I read it as an adult. I don’t know why I didn’t read it sooner because it came out when I was 11 years old. It’s likely I might have enjoyed the story of the genius boy hero a lot more as a kid.

    30. RamonaThePest*

      The Matched series and Scarlet series. I think fantasy/sci fi dystopian fiction is my least favorite YA genre. I loved Bridge to Terabithia, but I also loved Chicken Boy, which is an unsung hero of a book. Book of Boy, Ruby on the Outside, Bud Not Buddy, and One Crazy Summer are all really great reads even for adults. I always avoided picking highly popular books that children would read on their own for my students. Oh, and Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book–it’s absolutely the best book for read aloud if you do all the voices.

    31. Fellow Traveller*

      I am just not smart enough for Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. I did read them, but just came out very confused.
      The Ruby in the Smoke series, however, was amazing.

      1. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        That’s kind of my feeling about Diana Wynne Jones. I’ve enjoyed some of them, and others, well, I found a whole essay once on the various literary allusions in one and said, ah, okay, you need an advanced degree in Renaissance English literature to follow this book.

    32. RedinSC*

      Does On the Road by Jack Kerouac count? I don’t know if it’s considered young adult or not.

      I really disliked that book, I hated how women were treated. Only the men got to have adventures and they were able to do that because at one point of another they were supported by the practical women who held down jobs and paid bills and got food on the table.

      I read this when I was 18 or so.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        One of my exes LOVED that book. It told me that despite being a grown man, he had a reverence for some really childish ways of acting and thinking and saw them as heroic and rebellious, not annoying and dangerous.

    33. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m never quite sure where to draw the YA line because my family let me read anything as early as I wanted.

      I can say Flowers in the Attic was my first DNF (did not finish) because even the setup was too disturbing to check out and take home.

      As an adult reading books I missed in school, I couldn’t make it through Call It Courage and The Winter Room. Or the children’s book Phantom Tollbooth.

      I can’t figure out why I like Frank Baum’s Oz books but was left cold by the equally fever-dream Alice In Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

      1. UKDancer*

        I’d forgotten Virginia Andrews. I remember “My Sweet Audrina” which I read when I was probably far too young (early teens). I remember thinking that the people in it lacked any semblance of logical thought and things would be better if they actually talked to each other like sensible beings and didn’t try and make stupid decisions and exploit each other.

        Flowers in the Attic just bored me as did the sequel, and again people showed a lack of logical and sensible thought processes and there was no reasonable explanation for what they did.

        I was a fairly phlegmatic, somewhat unemotional child so couldn’t relate to anyone in any of her books.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I read Audrina for Tomato Nation’s book club and we had a blast just ripping it apart. I remember reading it as a teen and it feeling so forbidden because of all the sex. Then you read it as an adult and see that not only is the timing of Audrina’s ordeal impossible, the “sex” is presented as if its writer has never actually encountered any.

          1. UKDancer*

            Yeah I couldn’t work out how the daft solution Audrina’s father came up with would actually work and why anyone thought that was a sensible notion. I also couldn’t see why all the women found the father attractive when he came across as a right tosser.

            Learning more about the author I don’t think she did have any relationships in life. Not that it’s necessary to have experienced it to write about it. But you do need to have some idea to start with.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, the Flowers series! That was straight up BONKERS, and got even more so as it went on. I would absolutely not classify it as YA–that is, written with adolescents or preteens in mind. It is, however, one of the revered “read this when I was waaaay to young for it” books that many of us Gen Xers recall fondly. See also: Clan of the Cave Bear, Wifey, and so on.

        1. UKDancer*

          For me it was “A Woman of Substance” which I read definitely at too young of an age. I actually didn’t notice the sex massively. I was more taking on board the message of “overcome challenges, crush your enemies, build an empire and wear great clothes with shoulder pads” so it was actually quite an empowering read for teenage me as an unpopular bookworm.

          My mother saw me reading it and asked with concern if I had any questions. Apparently I did but they were mainly about how to build a retail empire and whether destroying my enemies was feasible. I think on balance Emma Harte was quite a powerful role model for me, she got what she wanted, was kind to those who were good to her but took no prisoners and had quite a good time in her life.

    34. KatCardigans*

      I didn’t care for Bridge to Terabithia, Catherine Called Birdy, Island of the Blue Dolphins, The Golden Compass, Eragon, or Ender’s Game, all of which were popular with other kids when I was in school. I’ve read tons of stuff that I didn’t love but understood why other people loved them; all of these just left me completely cold.

    35. is the math right ?*

      I read wrinkle in time and harry potter in the ages between tweendom and young adulthood. I forced myself to get through them when rereading as an adult.

    36. HannahS*

      The Golden Compass and its sequels, as well as the Narnia books. They were so grounded in Christian imagery and allegory that I came away from both being like, “What the heck was that?” Jewish kid, so I was missing context.

      Catcher in the Rye–I found Holden insufferable and didn’t relate to him at all.

      Anne of Green Gables–I found Anne so annoying! I was a quiet, compliant child who found loud, impulsive kids frustrating. As an adult, I re-read and enjoyed them.

  3. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

    I spent the last five minutes of my workday having my character called into question (boss says i cut corners with stocking stuff in kitchens, etc because I don’t care about how things look and I’m not pulling my own weight as part of a team. She doesn’t do any stocking stuff, so I am an island in that sense, I feel like. I just am busy or have other things to do…. Cried home on the train tonight because I felt so bad.)

    Anyway, can y’all give me some romance books? I have kindle unlimited! I love Sarah Adams and Elle Kennedy. I don’t mind smut but I’m not looking for anything super smutty right now.

      1. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

        I’ve listened to a couple of her books but I should give her other ones a shot too. Anything in particular you suggest?

        1. Teacher Lady*

          I really liked The Friend Zone, but it seems like it’s a hit-or-miss book for readers, and if infertility is something you don’t wish to engage with, steer clear!

          Part of Your World and Yours Truly are both great. I thought Life’s Too Short was good, but didn’t really enjoy The Happy Ever After Playlist. (Happy Ever After Playlist functions best as a sequel to The Friend Zone, so if you’re skipping that one, you can skip both IMO. I think Life’s Too Short stands well enough on its own if it seems intriguing.)

    2. Rita*

      Second Abby Jimenez! I also just read most/all of Katherine Center’s books and really enjoyed them as well.

      1. so good*

        Seconding Katherine Center! The first one of hers that I read was Things You Save In A Fire. The main character does something shocking at the beginning (she responds reflexively to provocation, but in a much more extreme manner than I’d expect) and I wondered if I was going to dislike the character and dislike the book — but I actually ended up LOVING both the character and the book. So then I read more of her books and loved them too.

    3. Pam Adams*

      T. Kingfisher. Swordheart, the Paladin books, Nettle and Bone- all great!

      I’m also fond of Georgette Heyer. Try The Grand Sophy.

      1. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        I love Heyer but always struggle with specific recommendations. A Civil Contract is my personal favorite, but I don’t think it’s a particularly good “starter” Heyer.

        1. UKDancer*

          I like Frederica (so funny) and Grand Sophy the best for Heyer’s work. I don’t know if they’re the best ones to start with but they’re my favourites.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I do love Kingfisher, and the romance/action-fantasy in Swordheart and the Paladon books really appeal to me.

        As for Georgette Heyer, Cotillion is far and away my favorite – and among my favorite novels of any genre. She manages to get FOUR happy couples together by the end of the book, and there are some delightful “take that” riffs on the traditional “girls love rakes” element.

      3. Three from the circle*

        Love Heyer and love The Grand Sophy (probably my favorite) but would add the asterisk that there is a moneylender in it that is portrayed with all the stereotypical antisemitic traits.

        Regency Buck is a good start, and Arabella is one I’ve returned to more than once.

      4. velveteen rabbit*

        Heads up for some really horrible antisemitism in the Grand Sophy. I adore that book, but it’s absolutely the product of its time and an author who had some deep set racist ideas.

      5. curly sue*

        The Grand Sophy is virulently and offensively antisemitic. I would not recommend it to anyone generally, but it’s an extra problem in this day and age, where antisemitic violence is rising worldwide.

        1. RC*

          Ooooh yay! News to me! I think I liked her second one best so far.

          Also, Jasmine Guillory, and I mostly liked Helen Hoang’s stuff too.

          1. velveteen rabbit*

            I enjoyed the first two of Helen Hoang’s books, but I unfortunately read the third one less than six months after caring for my Grandmother through an incredibly horrible two months of hospice and was blindsided by that aspect of the plot. It absolutely destroyed me and I never would have picked it up if I’d known what “when tragedy strikes Anna’s family she takes on a role that she is ill-suited for, until the burden of expectations threatens to destroy her” meant.

      1. Three from the circle*

        I love these books so much! Also her Inn Boonsboro trilogy (ghosts!) but have never happened on others of hers that have the same vibe.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          I’ll have to look for Inn Boonsboro. The Bridal Quartet definitely has a unique vibe from her other writing.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Funny Story by Emily Henry, in which we find out what happens to the two inconvenient people who had to be dumped so the childhood best friends could have their epic love story.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          YES. I can’t remember if they *actually* go to Meijer in Beach Read (or if Henry made up a different name for the in-universe store), but I was like “THIS IS CLEARLY MEIJER!”

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Hmm. Beach Read is one that didn’t work for me, because I just couldn’t get over that someone could inherit a lakeside house in Michigan, and it would not need such awkward things as “home maintenance” or “paying for utilities and property taxes.”

      3. velveteen rabbit*

        I was just about to comment to rec this book! Emily Henry’s stuff is a little bit hit or miss for me, but Funny Story was one of my very favorite reads from last year.

    7. Jill Swinburne*

      I can’t help liking Julie Caplin’s Romantic Escapes series. They follow the traditional romance formula but with some quite good travel writing too. Read enough (there are about 12 I think) and you get little Easter eggs too, when characters from previous books sometimes make (contrived) cameo appearances. Very good escapism. I liked the Scotland one, the Ireland one, the Iceland one, and the Tokyo one best.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Jerome Weaselberry, the most adorable and charming book/movie reviewer on YouTube, loves those!

    9. Teacher Lady*

      Are you committed to contemporary romance, or open to other subgenres? If you’re open to dipping into historical romance, I just finished Loretta Chase’s Carsington Family series (first in the series is Miss Wonderful) and it’s delightful.

      Some recent(ish) contemporaries I’ve enjoyed: Sex, Lies, and Sensibility by Nikki Payne, The Truth According to Ember by Danica Nava, and The Kiss Countdown by Etta Easton.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        Oh, also, I think most of Kate Clayborn’s books are on KU. My favorites of hers are the Chance of a Lifetime series (moreso the first two, Beginner’s Luck and Luck of the Draw) and her most recent book, The Other Side of Disappearing.

    10. word nerd*

      Kate Stradling has a lot of fun books available on Kindle Unlimited–my favorites are The Legendary Inge and The Heir and the Spare.

    11. Jackalope*

      My favorite is Courtney Milan. She’s got a number of books and I’ve enjoyed all of them. If you’re not familiar with her writing and you want something without much stress I’d recommend The Duke Who Didn’t. No one in the story has significant trauma (or at least not anything they deal with on-screen, so to speak). The characters are fun and likable, and I believed in their relationship. And if you enjoy it, it’s the first book of a 3 book series.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        +1 I have even loved her contemporaries! Though, those two are a little heavier than the Wedgeford Trials series.

    15. Bluebell Brenham*

      Second Emily Henry and Katherine Center, but for further back, I love Jennifer Crusie and she is so very funny.

    16. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I like Jackie Lau’s romances – they are usually set in Toronto (she’s Canadian), often have STEM heroines, and many of the heroes and heroines are Asian-Canadian or biracial. Lots of humor and lots of sex, usually. I don’t think her books are in Kindle Unlimited, but at least two of them are free (Big City Neighbor and Grumpy Fake Boyfriend).

    17. Stella*

      Regarding Kindle: Amazon is making it impossible to download your books in a few days. There are some YouTube videos about it. (I don’t have a Kindle myself so not aware of the details.)

        1. Magdalena*

          To the computer. You can still read in your browser while logged into Amazon but if you ever want to cancel your account the books you paid for are gone.

          1. Clara Bowe*

            Ahhh, gotcha. Yeah, I have been expecting that to hit y’all since they did that with Amazon Video. When it first launched, you could download full files through an app/download client, and you would own the file. But they phased that out in, like 2008? 2009? And yeah, writing was on the wall there for all their other services.

            Thank you for the info tho!

        2. Stella*

          Your computer.
          The video I saw was ‘Amazon removes your right to download Kindle books’ by Jared Henderson on YouTube. The deadline is February 26th.

        3. Stella*

          (I think my first reply got stuck in moderation.)

          I found another video that explains it better: Amazon’s New Kindle Rule Will Affect You: You Have 8 Days to Save Your Books! by How To Do Stuff
          Basically you won’t be able to download your books to your computer, which makes it impossible to open/read them outside of Amazon/Kindle. This lack of backup means that they can delete books you have paid for and there’s nothing you can do about it.
          The deadline is February 26th.

        4. KU*

          Onto your computer as a file outside of the kindle ecosystem. That being said, you can’t do that with kindle unlimited books anyway because you’re just borrowing them.

      2. CityMouse*

        I almost exclusively use my Kindle for Libby but I did hear about this as well. You can download your kindle purchases to a computer in the next week.

    18. Love in Every Quilt*

      Susan Mallery writes awesome, heartfelt, funny books and has several in Kindle Unlimited right now. She’s amazing.

    19. GoryDetails*

      I don’t know if this one would be too close to home – it opens with the hero struggling at work because of his overly-picky boss! But it does turn into a funny (if improbable) rom-com. It’s 10 Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall: Sam, who’s struggling to manage the employees at his branch of a bed-and-bath store, falls foul of his very uptight boss Jonathan, accidentally crashes into a shower unit (a “Nexa by MERLYN 8mm Sliding Door Shower enclosure,” to be specific) that lands on his head, and winds up with a minor concussion. And manages to give Jonathan the impression that he also has amnesia, thus forgetting that when the accident happened Jonathan had just threatened to fire him and his entire staff… So here we go, Sam needing someone to keep an eye on him for a few days until his concussion clears up, and Jonathan grudgingly agreeing to take him in – presumably in hopes of avoiding his company being sued. Love in bloom, right?

      1. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

        I love queer romances!!!! I’ll have to check this out. Might hit a little too close to home given the boss stuff but I’ll see!

    20. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Sorry about your boss. I hope things look better after a good night’s sleep! It’s not a contemporary romance novel, but a comic novel whose central point is a romance (spoiler: happy ending) is P.G. Wodehouse’s *Leave It to Psmith* (1923). It might be cheering.

      1. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

        Things definitely look slightly better after a good night’s sleep. But I am not looking forward to next week.

        However! I got a lot of book recs (thanks y’all!!!!!) which is a nice serotonin hit!

    21. cleo*

      Talia Hibbert! My current favorite “re-read on a crappy day book” is her book The Fake Boyfriend Fiasco – it’s fun and tropey and she also skews a lot of romance tropes (the MMC is a literal playboy Greek millionaire but he’s also a total golden retriever who actually learns from his mistakes). Her series The Brown Sisters is also good.

      Other feel good favorites:

      Xeni by Rebekah Weatherspoon – contemporary f/m

      Peter Cabot Gets Lost by Cat Sebastian- queer m/m historical road trip romance set in 1960.

      If you’re open to SF romance, Lady Eve’s Last Con by Rebecca Fraimow is a lot of fun – Sapphic romance / heist caper in space.

    22. Anonanonanon*

      Liz Tomforde’s Windy City series is free on KU and so good! My favorite is the second, but you might as well read in order. Her fifth book (final one in this series) comes out later this spring.

    23. Anonanonanon*

      Oh, and if you like Elle Kennedy, read Sarina Bowen. They sometimes co-author books.

      And I haven’t read Fourth Wing, but Rebecca Yarros’ contemporary romances are great. I like especially like the Wilder series.

  4. Chauncy Gardener*

    We’re about to adopt a younger (6 month-ish) rescue cat. We already have a 16+ year old cat and a 5 year old dog, who are very bonded to each other (both rescues).
    We have never had to introduce a new cat to a current cat before. I do know we will need to put her in her own room with all of her “effects” until the two cats start “playing” under the door, but there my knowledge ends. The cat we’re adopting is good with other cats as well as dogs (she’s living with both in her foster home)
    I know we have some very experienced cat lovers here.
    I would welcome any and all advice from you all!
    Thank you!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Best wishes. Nobody in my house – not the people, not the other cats (10 years old) – can keep up with my husband’s two six-month old kittens, and there’s two of them to wear each other out too. Make sure your elderly cat has plenty of down time where they aren’t being harassed.

      And put your headphones away when you’re not using them. They’ve chewed up the cords on six sets in two months, plus having lost parts of three sets of AirPods. They also stole my glasses twice; luckily no damage resulted, they just left them on the floor and I luckily found them before they got stepped on.

      1. RLC*

        Seconding the advice to insuring that senior cat has plenty of time (and space!) away from youngster until you can be sure that youngster is respectful of senior. We once adopted a 5-month old kitten (vet’s recommendation) to help our 18 year old cat mourning the loss of his cat companion. First few months kitten was unrelentingly aggressive to senior: ambushing him as he walked into rooms, pouncing on his back, etc. They gradually developed a sort of truce but never became companions. Work with veterinary acupuncturist (both cats) seemed to help them peacefully coexist.

            1. LaPeregrina*

              We’ve had some older cat-younger cat success. When we lost one older cat, we got a couple kittens. The younger cats, now 3, bonded and get along well. The older cat seemed mostly to tolerate them but generally became more social for the last couple years of her life, hanging out where the young ones were. Now we have a third young cat who is just tolerated by the other two but recently they started playing together more.

            2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              The cats all get along fine, for what it’s worth. My husband originally had two ten-year-old sisters, then earlier this summer he asked if he could adopt a kitten out of the litter his brother rescued after their mom didn’t make it. I said yes (but not until he and his brother finished my flooring project that they’d been working on for a year and a half, so at least my floors finally got done), and Badger came home.

              A month and a half after that, he comes to me and says, “Badger has chewed up four sets of headphones since she got here.” Somehow it came to be that the solution to “kitten is destructive” was not “return kitten to sender” but in fact “add more kitten,” and his brother helpfully had another one from the litter in question that still needed a home. I said yes (but not until we had made arrangements to replace the door into my garage that was still the original from the mid-80s and was not in good shape, so at least my door finally got replaced) and Mouse came home.

              The original two (the Thunderbeasts) and the new two (the Interlopers) all get along fine, but my GOD I am tired of the Interlopers damaging my stuff. :P I am not a cat person at all, and one of my stipulations was that he had to be responsible for ensuring that I do not have to cat-proof my “territory,” so I believe today he is working on finding a solution to keep the Interlopers penned in the basement with him overnights so they can get into his stuff instead of mine. Luckily I had already ordered a new set of glasses after they stole mine the first time, and I hadn’t started wearing the new ones yet, so it was the old ones that got damaged. The neck strap they chewed through is beyond repair. I was able to bend the earpieces they mangled back into true so the old ones are still wearable, but now it doesn’t fold inward anymore. (I’m not going to switch to the new ones until he figures out the overnight solution just to be safe. :P )

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  As I said below, kittens are basically coked up toddlers with razor blades, heh. :)

                  I have also today, since my last post, had to take the last of my plants upstairs and barricade them into my craft room, after finding both the Interlopers on top of a dining room shelf trying to treat a tradescantia (which is toxic) like a salad bar. (While the Great Dane pranced around the dining room crying because she didn’t know what to do about it but she was pretty sure that was against some rules, but the rule-enforcing pit mix was asleep under a blanket on the sofa.)

    2. old curmudgeon*

      One of you should spend the nights sleeping with New Cat in her own room to start imprinting your smells on her. The other of you needs to continue to sleep where Original Cat can find you and not feel abandoned.

      Go to your dirty laundry hamper and get out a shirt that you wore and a shirt that your partner wore.

      Lay one shirt where Original Cat likes to lie and leave it there for a day or so to be a cat bed.

      Take the other shirt into the room with New Cat and lay it in a good spot for cat-lounging (maybe on a soft surface beside a window, on a bed, something like that), and leave it there for the same amount of time.

      Then switch the shirts so that the one that was slept on by Original Cat is now in New Cat’s room, while the one that was slept on by New Cat is now on Original Cat’s favorite bed.

      The trick is that both shirts will already have the smells of safe/beloved humans (you and your partner) plus both shirts will pick up scents from the other cat. They both may look a bit askance for a while after switching the shirts, but in my experience (having done this on four prior occasions), it makes the actual introduction considerably less fraught.

      And thank you for taking in another rescue!

    3. Sloanicota*

      I’d say go in with the right expectations with this split. 16 is the equivalent to a very senior old person and 6 months is equivalent to maybe a nine year old child. It’s not a perfect combo. As others have said, you will have to play a lot with the kitten yourself to help it burn off energy so that it doesn’t take it out on the older cat. Your ultimate goal is probably peaceful coexistance, like, able to be in the same room without hissing. I just introduced my ten month old former foster kitten to an unknown aged (but probably young) new cat and they are getting along amazingly, sleeping willingly on one bed and eating from one bowl, but they still aren’t really “playing” or grooming each other or snuggling, and that’s fine. Maybe they’ll get there someday! I hope so. But not fighting is the goal. And I didn’t end up needing to use felliway but I had it on hand. PS – my first kitten also played with the dog, and that was satisfying mostly to her, somewhat less to him, but very cute. With cat/dog interactions, I find usually the cat’s behavior sets the tone; ideally the cat doesn’t run, and the dog isn’t super high prey driven.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My Great Dane was TERRIFIED of the kittens for the first several months and would go hide from them behind furniture. Now she’s a little more curious, but still doesn’t usually approach them on her own.

        My pit mix Alannah totally follows them around when they’re upstairs and yells at them for breaking her rules.

        1. Rage*

          I had an Australian Cattle Dog that was also terrified of kittens. And puppies. And the younger and more helpless they were, the greater the terror. It was pretty funny, watching him have an absolute panic attack over a basket of 10-day old large breed puppies, but then he would happily go romp with tiny adult dogs that were, in truth, not much larger than one of the puppies. He crossed the Bridge over 10 years ago, and I had forgotten that particular oddity of his until your comment.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            When she was a baby herself, and therefore about large-cat-sized, she didn’t have any issue with the cat – in fact, a couple of times she grabbed hold of it with her paws, sat on it, and smothered it in kisses. But these two are approximately half the size of her head, and she won’t go near them unless there’s a baby gate in between. (It doesn’t have to be CLOSED. They just have to be on opposite sides of it.)

    4. MCL*

      We had a (now deceased) 14 yo cat who lost his brother and adopted a 2 yo (ish) younger kitty to hang with him. They eventually did get along, but if I had to redo it I would have spent way more time on a slow introduction. The new kitty came from a foster situation and had giardia and a mild respiratory infection (the latter of which our elderly kitty picked up). Younger kitty isn’t highly energetic, but still way more energy than our old man cat, so he would get kind of grumpy with her because she would try to ambush him. He was very territorial about my lap. That said, they did eventually get along okay. We had feliway which may have helped. Also, not for nothing, he AND she were both on special prescription diets that were super specific to each and so we had to do supervised feedings which was a pain. There are cat bowls with sensors that could help, but elderly kitty only lived for about 6 months after we got younger kitty so we never explored those.

      1. Sloanicota*

        It’s really hard to have a happy introduction with a much older cat, I find, even if they seem lonely after losing a longtime companion. My now-passed very senior kitty accepted the introduction of a calm gentle dog in her later years – she enjoyed feeling superior to the pooch – but there’s no magic that would have induced her to accept a playful young companion. She was a bit grumpy and set in her ways by maturity and was also probably dealing with age related creakiness I couldn’t detect, in retrospect.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          We didn’t get a new cat after our Harvey crossed for that reason. Peanut was definitely lonely, but a brand new cat certainly wouldn’t be the same to him as the brother he grew up with.

        2. RC*

          Our older cat was about 12 when she lost her 18yo best friend, so we brought home a ~3yo new cat who turned out to be made of springs (and then later another 3yo because turns out it took 2 cats to fill the heart-hole the one cat left). The two youngsters (even though adults) will play kitty parkour with each other, but we’ve caught our old lady getting into it too, especially with Spring Cat. She will also however exert her seniority (or maybe just wants to cuddle) by plopping her body (and points) on top of whoever is in the cat bed, until that occupant moves elsewhere, heh.

          Maybe I’ve just had really amazing luck with cats..

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      Currently running around hiding all reading glasses, plants, breakable items, etc. Saving soft shirts we’ve worn, buying a bunch of cat toys and have a Feliway on order just in case.
      Although I’m pretty sure we’re going to miss something and will be exhausted by this time next week, we’re excited!
      Thank you for all the great advice, everyone!

  5. GreySuit (they/them)*

    Hi everyone! I’m traveling to LA tomorrow for a concert (never been before). Anyone have tips for dinner places in/near Inglewood? The venue opens at 5PM so I may eat early. I can’t eat cheese or handle food that’s very spicy, but otherwise I like to eat adventurously (and if you know of a good pizza place that does a no-cheese personal pie, I’ll happily take that.)

    Other tips for things to do are also welcome, but I’ll be pretty limited on time, so maybe something that takes up a few hours including transit at most.

    Thank you!

    1. Reba*

      Which direction are you coming from?
      You could go to Venice Beach or Manhattan Beach or the Ballona Wetlands, just to see the water. Or you could hang in charming Culver City for a little while.
      I don’t live there any longer so my rec’s would not be current, but look at The Infatuation or Eater, they have lots of lists of “Best Places to Eat near _____”

      1. Kathy (Not Marian) the Librarian*

        Lots of restaurants on Culver Blvd in Culver City. So many options! I have my favorite called Burger Lounge. Great single source burgers. But they have other sandwiches (chicken, ground turkey burger, impossible burgers) including a Keto Burger. Some vegan options, too. If you go, ask about their Inflation Buster of the week. This week is Crispy Chicken Sandwich. $4 off regular price!

  6. False Awakenings*

    Does anyone else experience false awakenings? I have this every night and have for the last few years. I also experienced this as a child. However, I feel like I have it more intensely than others I’ve met who have had these. Mine feel like a combo of false awakenings and sleep paralysis. I also often think these are windows into some alternate universe I am living in concurrently (but we don’t have to get into all that today). As a child, I was able to recognize that I was still in a dream state and that my physical body was sleeping. I was also able to do A Thing where I could rouse myself out of them with a sudden and intense movement within the dream that somehow got my eyes to start to open in the real world. It took a lot of effort. I could not do it as an adult until the other night when I was able to again realize my physical body was still asleep and couldn’t wake. So I did A Thing. It worked. But I hate this. I don’t feel rested. I feel like my brain is experiencing a whole other life and isn’t resting.

    Anyone?

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve had a couple experiences like this–I remember sometimes dreaming, over and over, that I’m waking up, before I actually do. And a few days ago, I had a morning dream where in said dream, I could NOT open my eyes to look at the clock. I finally dreamed I forced them open–and then I woke up.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I have forced myself out of a dream by squeezing my eyes shut really tightly, which seemed to get around the paralysis limitation.

      When we sleep, our bodies are paralyzed so we don’t run around acting out our dreams. If the sleep fades off without the paralysis leaving, you get sleep paralysis. The flip side is the that you stay asleep but the paralysis doesn’t work, so you get sleep walking.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I get sleep paralysis sometimes. It freaked me out before I knew what it was. Now I find it somewhat entertaining — I lie there like “Oh, it’s back, haha” and try to move even though I can’t. Sometimes I wake up fully and other times I just fall back asleep.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I used to sleepwalk. Not so much anymore. My husband doesn’t sleepwalk but he will act out his dreams and flail or kick me (when kicking a goal or a bully or something).

    3. Meow*

      Almost weekly for as far as I remember. These days I embrace it, I can’t move anyway, might as well enjoy doing nothing guilt-free.

    4. misspiggy*

      I’ve had this a lot over the years, but it’s reduced to almost nothing since I’ve started treating it as a sign of constricted airflow. Supporting my neck better and taking frequent sips of water during the night has helped.

    5. Shakti*

      I get this sometimes! The things that help (although don’t eliminate it completely) are a pretty strict bedtime routine! I take melatonin half an hour before sleep, I read ask a manager, and I read a physical book only then do I go to beef fully. I also have 3 forms of white noise and take one Tylenol and Motrin and have a leg pillow for back pain. Does it sound elaborate? Possibly? However it beats what happens if I don’t follow the routine

    6. Helvetica*

      I did not know what it was called but yes, quite often, especially as a child. Usually these were what I’d call bathroom dreams because I dreamt about going to the toilet, which did result in quite some accidents on my part. I guess at some point my brain learned to connect that dream to a false reality, so now I always recognise easily that I am still in a dream, and wake up. So, I guess it transforms into lucid dreaming as well.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I eventually learned that if my husband leapt out of bed in the night, I should tell him firmly that he had gotten up to go to the bathroom. He knew that wasn’t it, but also couldn’t remember why he had gotten out of bed (to correctly position our bed in the crystal lattice, in one memorable flinging-off-of-the-covers before I learned this trick) and so he would head off and the movement and routine was enough to pull him out of the dream all the way.

    7. Evvy*

      I have had similar experiences for the past six years and for me it seems to become much more frequent (up to almost every night) when I am very stressed. It feels as if my brain isn’t able to relax and stay asleep, even when my body is sleeping. Often right after a “false awakening” I can identify the source of the anxiety as being incredibly stressed that I am resting while I could be working (especially during naps) or that I’m going to sleep through my alarm and be late for work—therefore my brain is trying to wake me up even though my body knows it’s not time to wake up yet. Making a huge effort to reduce my stress while I’m awake has led to less of these incidents. I know other people experience this in a way that has nothing to do with stress/anxiety, but that has been my experience.

    8. sswj*

      I go through phases of it happening regularly, and then not at all for months. Oddly, I almost always experience it when I’m napping, not when I’m asleep at night. If I take a nap and do more than just doze and I submerge into very deep sleep, waking up seems to be in stages. It’s like Body says it’s time to get up now but Brain says ‘not yet’ (or vice-versa), and they combine into weirdness. It’s such an odd thing. Sometimes a little scary, but usually just annoying until I wake up for real.

    9. Sloanicota*

      I have had good luck shifting it to a more pleasant “dream” – if I sort of realize I’m asleep (or even, “oh, I’m back here again,” without consciously realizing I’m asleep) I will sort of “remember” that in This Place I can bounce along the ground like a video game and sort of fly. I often visualize taking out an umbrella and using it t sort of kite-surf at various heights. These are pleasant dreams to me. I don’t think it’s deep sleep though. I would agree with the other commenter who said it could also indicate you’re restricted in your sleeping position or otherwise uncomfortable in the real world. I get bad dreams when I’m too hot, for example. If I wake up enough to throw off some covers the dream can continue more peacefully.

    11. Artemesia*

      I used to have this happen if I napped when I was really tired. I would have whole experiences that I was sure were real but were clearly dreams when I actually awakened. A couple were really terrifying and seemed totally real.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I used to have dreams very similar to what you were describing, although only once with the wake myself up thing.

      I can say used to because it turns out to be part of my sleep apnea symptoms. I can tell if my CPAP machine needs new mask or hose because the dreams get too overwhelming again.

      (As an aside, this is a non-obstructive variant– I only wake up during REM sleep. I’m pointing this out because the weight-linked variant is better known)

    13. NotActuallyAwake*

      This happened to me as a side-effect of a medication I was taking for about a year. I would have vivid, disturbing, lucid dreams that I wouldn’t be able to wake up from even though I knew I was dreaming. The only thing that helped me was ceasing the medication. Knowing that a medication could *cause* this makes me wonder if there’s a medication that could *prevent* it? I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this and hope you find a solution that works for you!

  7. Budget Betty*

    I have a question for those who track their monthly spending/budget in a spreadsheet. How do you categorize spending from big box stores?

    For instance, if you go to Target or Walmart and buy a t-shirt, a gallon of milk, and a picture frame, how are you budgeting that? Do you have a category in your spreadsheet for Target, or do you divide up the costs (the $20 for the t-shirt goes into the clothing category, the $4 for the milk goes into groceries, and the $15 for the picture frame goes into the home/decor category)?

    Also, any other suggestions for budgeting/spending trackers or good spreadsheet templates are welcome!

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I try to break things out as much as possible because I really want to know how much I spend on clothes, gifts, home stuff, food, etc. Helps me figure out my shopping kryptonite ;)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I always split groceries out, and anything big. Beyond that – If possible I split the rest of it up. If I either can’t or don’t want to take the time for some reason, it comes off my shopping budget as a whole – I have a shopping budget of $x, but then sub categories with allotted percentages within $x like books/entertainment 10%, hobby supplies 20%, gifts 5%, household consumables 10%, household non-consumables 10%, etc. so if I don’t split it up, it comes off the top.

    3. Phlox*

      I assign to the budget category with the highest % of the purchase, mostly to reduce effort and keep myself doing budgeting while trying not to overcomplicate. But my “over/under budget” regular bar is the total monthly spend, not a sinking funds over the year in specific categories breakdown. It helps that its a very occasional shopping type for me – I don’t do a lot of very mixed purchases so my budget categories are generally made up of correct-type purchases.

      1. Cynthia*

        This is about what I do, too. If I’m getting groceries from Walmart and also pick up a picture frame while I’m there, then the whole purchase goes under groceries. If I go to Target to get craft supplies and I grab some crackers, too, then it goes under miscellaneous. It depends what your goals are, why you’re budgeting. Personally, I just need to track my impulse spending and don’t worry too much about the times I intentionally go to a store since that’s not a problem area for me

    4. Enough*

      For our budget I break out the categories. Each category is a line item in our budget. Helps for adjusting the budget the,next year.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I use an Excel spreadsheet with categories under Income, basic savings accounts (retirement not included in this) and expenditures. If I buy items in more than one category, I break them out and add the tax because I don’t care where I bought something.:

      Income: Salary
      Income: Social Security
      Income: Other
      Total Monthly Income

      Cash Jar
      Emergency Fund
      Life Fund
      Money Market
      Total Savings (First of Month)

      XXXXXX Bank
      XXXXXXX Mobile Home Park
      Southern California Edison
      Savings
      XXXXX Water Conditioning
      Car
      Cats: Chloe, Dominique, Noelle
      Clothing & Accessories
      Computer
      Consumer Cellular
      Credit Expenses (Experian)
      Donations
      Garden & Gardening
      Groceries
      Home Decoration & Remodeling
      Home Maintenance / Reg / Ins / Taxes
      Housecleaning
      Household Items
      Medical
      Miscellaneous
      Personal Care & Items
      Personal Loan
      Pick-Up Food / Dining Out
      Southern California Gas
      T-Mobile
      Total Monthly Expenses

    6. Ellis Bell*

      This is a great question because I struggle with this too. I think it depends on how much this type of shopping affects your other budgets. So, if you’re an impulse shopper who loves to pick things up simply because they’re all in the one place, (totally projecting, here) and it’s useful for you to know how much you’re doing that; put the Target receipts under “impulse shopping” or “miscellaneous” or whatever. If you’re going to a particular shop because it has terrific bargain bins, deliberately to cut down your clothing/household budget then it needs to go in that budget because otherwise you won’t know if the bargain hunting is working. Milk is a little different in that it really usually is just groceries, but if it’s a one off occasion, that’s different to it being your most common method of picking up milk. You also need to ask yourself how likely you are to do the splitting up of costs when it comes to making your budget.

    7. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I divide receipts like that up into the right categories (unless there’s just, like, $5 that belongs in a different category—then I don’t bother), so I can get an accurate sense of whether I’m spending on essentials like groceries, or more optional purchases like clothes and fun stuff for the house.

    8. SMP*

      Generally, if it’s household stuff like toilet paper, it goes under groceries. If I bought a lot of clothes, I would estimate how much those cost and split the transaction. But I don’t do it down to the penny. Mostly, I’m looking at trends and it’s my kids that cost me all my money anyway.

    9. Seltaeb*

      I use YNAB (You Need a Budget), which has a “split transaction” button that makes it easy to divide it up into different categories.

      1. Tiny clay insects*

        Yes, same! I first heard about YNAB on a weekend thread here years ago, and I love it. Can’t recommend it highly enough.

    10. Alex*

      I sometimes break it out, and sometimes I don’t. My spreadsheet automatically connects to my budget line, and deducts that amount from that budget line (there is a template for this in MacOS numbers–that is what I use). So, if I have a lot left in my grocery budget, I might just not break it out and assign it all to groceries. But if it seems better to break it up to a few line items with different categories, I’ll do that. I don’t sweat being exact too much.

      That said, I don’t care a whole lot about “tracking” how much I’m spending on X or why–it is more important to me that I am staying within my overall budget, so as long as the amount is assigned to something it is OK for me!

    11. Plaidless*

      This is lazy AF but we put almost all our spending on the same credit card (Discover) and I use their website’s Spending Analyzer, so I copy the categories they automatically place stores into. For example, Target is “merchandise”.

      I definitely could get more granular, but I know myself. I would go hog-wild for a few months tracking every red cent, then get sick of it and slack off. As long as the totals stay below my mental upper limit, I’m satisfied.

    12. Isla*

      In my state (assuming most states) groceries are taxed at a different rate and the amount of money that is taxed at each is broken down at the bottom of the receipt, so I put that portion toward ‘groceries’ and the rest toward ‘household supplies’ or whatever. I don’t like adding up each individual item

      1. Student*

        Wow, groceries are taxed in your state?! I didn’t know that was a thing. I just looked it up and there are 9 states with direct sales tax on groceries.

        1. Clisby*

          And it can vary by category of food. In my state, SC, what’s classified as unprepared food isn’t subject to state sales tax. Prepared food (like sushi, or a meatloaf you just need to heat up) is subject to the tax. And many things you can buy at a grocery store – vitamins, paper towels, greeting cards – are taxed.

    13. Girasol*

      I make a note in my daybook about the breakdown: $148 at BigBox: 42 housewares, 106 groceries. And then I use that when I fill in the budget sheet at month’s end. It’s clumsy but it works.

    14. Rebe*

      I created 2 categories “Target” and “Amazon” and decided that if I bought from those places, it just gets put there and I don’t break it out unless the Target run is mostly (like 85% or more) groceries than I do categorize it as groceries. I know my average spend at those places and if it’s creeping up then I might break it out a little bit to see what has slowly creeped in and where I need to have more oversight (outside of expected outlier events like holiday shopping). I will also break out something if it’s something I’m working on or notice is becoming a habit I don’t want (for example, if I want to drink less pop I might break out how much pop I am buying to see that reflected in all areas possible), but once I have the habit I want or it’s no longer a problem I go right back to categorizing the spend as “Target” or “Amazon”.

  8. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Saw Flow in a theater: Absolutely lovely wordless film about animals who band together to get through a flood. Highly recommend.

    Watched The Gorge on AppleTV because it was an action movie with Anya Taylor Joy. Two assassins (one hired by US, one by Russia) are assigned to guard opposite sides of a remote gorge with demons at the bottom, and prevent the demons climbing out. (Something set up in WW2.) They start asking questions, and of course eventually wind up in the gorge digging up answers. I quite enjoyed this, I think because I am quite in the mood for stories about little cogs who start realizing what the machine around them does, and that they are positioned to smash it. Horror of the “scary things are chasing us/hiding in the fog” variety; Joy’s character gets to wear sensible sturdy boots.

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      New Father Browns and Deaths in Paradise, along with Murdoch Mysteries, are FINALLY loading on Prime, so all of those. Then I want to start Deadloch, which my sister heartily recommended. “It’s this totally bonkers lesbian murder mystery set in rural New Zealand!”

      I mean, of COURSE I am in.

      1. allathian*

        I’m enjoying the new Father Brown season, too. It has to be said that I enjoyed the spinoff Sister Boniface Investigates even more. I’m pretty done with the trope of the cops in Father Brown being so antagonistic all the time, it’s getting really old.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I really miss Ruth. She and the Inspector had such fab chemistry. (I remember one episode when Something Finally Happened: he opens the door to Sister and she is behind him a little ways, absolutely AGLOW with “I Just Got Laid” energy. It’s a riot!)

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I agree–they’ve known each other for well over a decade at this point. Everybody understands how this works!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        This week’s Death in Paradise broke my heart, I was so invested in our earnest new recruit.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, my God, sensible shoes mean sooooo much to me as a viewer. Years ago, friends and I rented Peter Jackson’s The Frighteners, and all the female characters wore kick ass lace up Doc Martins to flee and fight in. We female watchers were just swooning with delight the whole time.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Huh. I’m only thinking of one of those type scenes offhand, and didn’t BDH actually pointedly take off her heels before she ran from the Rex? I think that was kind of the point of the scene, like who would try to do this in heels. It’s been a minute since I watched them though so maybe I’m misremembering.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      We have been watching the British show “Antiques Road Trip” on PBS Passports – starting with the beginning (the first ones PBS has; they don’t have all the episodes). They are just light viewing for heavy times, and we lived in England for a number of years so like the historic bits and scenery. The narration is quite funny. (The last one we saw went by some of the border Abbeys, which reminded us of a very fun weekend trip.)

    4. Teapot Translator*

      Still not feeling well, so I started All Creatures Great and Small (original one). I like it. Not much happens in it.

      1. RC*

        I know this is a show because our current escapism watch is Richard Osman’s House of Games and this was a question on it (and I knew it and felt proud of myself, which is mostly the point of quiz shows, right).

        I’ve just been skipping through for thumbnails of people I liked on Taskmaster and it’s pretty good so far! (e.g. Ardal O’Hanlon wasn’t as catastrophic as one might have feared from Shoe Who, but he seems fun).

        Hope you feel better soon!

    5. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just finished the first season of the Canadian show Coroner. I’m enjoying it. I really like the casting and the main characters, even if the season finale has gaping plot holes. (In the “bad guy can go anywhere and magically evade security” category.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I started having that problem with Hannibal in later seasons when it really got ridiculous. I know the show is a Grand Murder Opera but still–Hannibal would have had to have had a teleporter/time turner to pull off what he does.

    6. allathian*

      Rings of Power. I’m enjoying it more now that the show really got going. The setup in the first 5 or so episodes was a bit tedious.

    7. Isabel Archer*

      Seconding the Flow recommendation. It’s beautiful and unique.
      I just watched the first 2 seasons of Silo on Apple TV, because I love Rebecca Ferguson, but I can’t recommend it. The first 2 episodes are really good, but it’s downhill from there. I fast forwarded through big chunks of season 2.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I agree that for Silo, felt like S1 had a strong start but weaker finish, while S2 could have been an email.

        1. Isabel Archer*

          Ha ha, agree. Subject line: “Juliette survives yet another death-defying physical feat on little food, little water, no sleep, and with a raging infection.” Yawn.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Shows and movies are just so not-real about how fast an opportunistic infection settles and goes to town!

            Husband was watching Rambo III on TV a couple days ago (I know…) and there’s a bit where he is grievously wounded by a giant spear of wood that totally pierces him through! Not only does he keep fighting he CAUTERIZES the wound with GUNPOWDER. Literally sets off a mini explosion inside himself!

            Okay, not only should that kill or at least permanently disable him, it’s sealing in the various bacteria that are partying like it’s 1999 in his abdomen! Just….

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              There’s a YouTube channel where an ER doc weighs in on the realism of various movie scenes, like “If you’ve been stabbed in the shoulder, can you then raise your hands over your head?”

              Which having had shoulder surgery: No. No you cannot.

      2. Nack*

        I’ve been watching Silo too and I agree about the 2nd season. In Season 1, the pace was so quick and we were hooked. In Season 2, the pace slowed waaaay down – I felt in several episodes, Juliet’s plotline had next to no movement.

    8. I take tea*

      I loved Flow too. The animals get to be real animals (for most of the part) and still be good representationa of how different people react in a crisis. And it is beautiful!

      I also liked that they used real animal sounds (although the capybara got dubbed by a baby camel, according to IMDB!)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I wonder what a capybara actually sounds like? I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever squeezed one.

          1. Tiny clay insects*

            “Yes, do it, Seth!” John Turturro is just AMAZING. I’m never going to forget how he says that line.

            1. CityMouse*

              That dinner sequence in the last episode. And the bit with the paper clips. And the Chinese restaurant scene. That show shines in uncomfortable.

            2. Falling Diphthong*

              Back at the start of Season 1 I would never have guessed that I would care this much about Irving. He’s so blandly irritating at first.

    10. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m glad that so many people are watching and enjoying Flow, and I heard this week that there will be a Criterion Collection release!

      I’ve just started watching Big Boys, which is a consistently hilarious UK sad-com about two university students in the 2010s. Highly recommended.

    11. Prawo Jazdy*

      Season 3 of American Crime Story… aka the Linda Tripp story! I always appreciate good recreations of real-life events, and this could be the best thing I’ve seen in years… the acting & writing is magnificent.

    12. Artemesia*

      For All Mankind, an alternative history of the US space program on apple TV is very good. I think I may find it particularly interesting because my Dad was involved in the moon shot.

      A Gentleman in Moscow on Paramount is outstanding. It was a great book and the series does it justice. Ewan McGregor is perfect in the starring role and his wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead is excellent as the love interest.

      We are sort of enjoying the series. Vienna Blood on PBS. A Jewish psychoanalyst teams with a local police detective around the time of Freud.

    13. Angstrom*

      Just watched The Great Southern Country, a documentry about Lachlan Morton’s record-breaking 15,000km bicycle ride around Australia. Roughly 300 miles/day for a month. No narrator, no “Can he do it?” drama — the focus is on the relationship with his crew and with the task and the terain.

    14. bay scamp*

      My male counterpart and I went to see “Love Hurts” in an empty theatre last Sunday. Both of us liked it a whole lot… but we’re into silly older kung fu movies like the Shaw Brothers’ stuff and some parts of this were like updates of that. The movie is obviously going to be a flop, since it got horrible reviews and the empty showing we were in doesn’t seem to be an anomaly, which makes me sad.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      Just bailed on a movie at the 20 minute mark (because we were bored, not appalled) and spouse suggested Falling Down, a 1993 movie about a middle class white guy who loses his family, then his job, and one morning in a traffic jam just decides he’s past the point of no return, abandons his car, and starts lashing out at everyone who draws his anger. And he has a lot of anger. Very of the moment, and a reminder of how that thread has always been woven into our society. You could have made it in 2023 or 1973, and only the ubiquity of phones would change.

    16. An Ominous*

      Currently binging my way through SKY Castle (kdrama on Netflix) before it disappears, and wow I can see why it exploded when it came out, I didn’t think I’d get so invested but I am!

  9. Forensic13*

    Gift suggestions for a friend who has a podcast and the equipment but wants to grow their viewership? Thanks!

    1. The Dude Abides*

      A good camera – I go through YouTube for most of the pods I listen to, so give them a chance to capture a new audience.

  10. Le le lemon*

    Bathroom question, apologies, as it’s a little…messy.

    I have a shower frame that seemingly sits atop of the porcelain tiles. Might be drilled into the tiles; not sure. At least 30 years old. It’s possible that at one point there was silicon that sealed the contact points of the metal/tile inside the shower, but no signs of that anymore.

    It seems to be that water is now getting in, creating a dirt/grime/*fingers crossed not mould*, which whenever I run the shower or clean it, causes little flakes of brown *whatever* to float out.

    I’m assuming this is now beyond the point of purely re-seal; I’m at removing shower frame completely aka bathroom reno time. And probably goodbye tile.

    Is this correct thinking? Any words, subjects, places I can look up? Interim fixes beyond trying to get the bathroom dry ASAP after use?

    1. Rage*

      I don’t necessarily know that you’ve moved beyond simply resealing it. Or, at least, that an entire renovation is necessary. Do you think you could put the frame back up if you took it down?

      If so, then I think taking it down, giving those tiles a thoroughly good cleaning/disinfecting/etc., then putting the frame back up and re-sealing?

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        They did this in my apartment after the ancient sliding door finally gave way. Worked fine.

    3. Le le lemon*

      Oooooh, thank you all, you’ve given me a different way to think about this. I had another look at my shower frame, and I now think it’s glued to the tile. In theory, if I could get a blade/*other amazing tool for this* in there, I could sever the glue from the metal and it would pull away. Disinfect, repair or replace/reinstall/reseal. Probably a high chance of cracking tile though if I’m not careful.
      I appreciate other minds thinking about this! Replacing caulking was never something on the maintenance to-do list in the household I grew up in, so I’d never really thought about it.

  11. Banana Pyjamas*

    Wondering what blogs or cookbooks people have cooked through that you really just loved? I’m thinking of cooking through Polish Your Kitchen and/or Rhubarb and Lavender.

    Does anybody who undertook something similar have any advice about the process or what you might have done differently?

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      Not exactly an answer for you, but I just paged through You Gotta Eat by Margaret Eby and loved it. Very few strict recipes but a lot of building blocks for novice cooks and some new ideas for more experienced cooks! My answer for blogs I cook from a lot is Smitten Kitchen, but I can’t imagine cooking through it all!

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        You know, I had forgotten about Smitten Kitchen, but I tried a couple of their recipes years ago, and they were delish. I feel like I remember reading a bunch of recipes from them and Chocolate Covered Katie at the same time. One of the two has a super yummy yogurt mac’n’cheese.

        1. Overeducated*

          Smitten Kitchen is great and now there are 3 cookbooks, all with solid recipes I repeat regularly.

      2. Kate*

        I actually cooked through Smitten Kitchen as a pandemic project! Set up an Instagram for it and everything.

        No regrets.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      I would say Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking and More Home Cooking–neither are cookbooks, more memoirs, but both contain tons of recipes and stories. I make her version of Ismail Merchant’s Creamed Corn over rice several times a year.

          1. Bluebell Brenham*

            If you like her cookbooks, her fiction is also wonderful. I loved Happy All the Time. Such a talented writer.

      3. Zelda*

        Oh, hey, goddess! While I have you on the phone, I wanted to tell you that this week we used the recipe for Three Sisters Quesadillas that you posted here a few months ago. We’ve done it a couple of times now, and they’ve earned a spot in our household repetoire. Thanks!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Oh, that’s so great! Thanks for reminding me–I have to find that recipe for lentil/chorizo pottage and bring it to work. I made too much and brought some in for my work friends and they loved it.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We’ve only done one recipe so far, but it was amazing: Anything’s Pastable – non-traditional takes on pasta recipes. There’s a fun podcast about how the author developed it available too!

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        I’ll have to check that out. I definitely have been meaning to go back through and re-watch Pasta Grannies, which is very traditional. I got intimidated by heirloom flours that I’m not quite sure how to source.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I’ve mentioned it before, but the old Jezebel site had a cooking substack called Will It Casserole? Where they tried different dishes in casserole form. It might still be floating around the web!

    4. Clara Bowe*

      For a VERY long time, I cooked through the BudgetBytes website. It is still my go-to when I have an ingredient I want to use. I still regularly make the stuffed zucchini boats, peanut lime dressing (with accompanying noodle salad), and several baked oatmeals regularly. It is run more by team than by the original author now, but Marsha’s stuff has been my fave over all. I made her ham and potato casserole for Christmas this year and DO recommend.

      1. biscuit*

        I love Budget Bytes! They have a huge archive of recipes that are straightforward and tasty. My go-to recipes from that site are coconut lentils, curried tofu, quesadillas and enchiladas, roasted veggie salads, black bean burgers, pizza dough, cauliflower curry, lots of soup recipes, a lemon tahini dressing that goes with everything, etc.

        1. Clara Bowe*

          I have made many of those! I love how direct the recipes are written and the photos. Beth was doing the recipe cards before any of the meal kit boxes were doing them and I appreciate her for it.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I have only cooked a few of the items but I have come to really love the videos (though there is also a blog) called “Spain on a Fork”. It is so well done! And delicious. He put up a paella recipe recently I really want to try.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        I like Spain on a Fork, too. The dishes are healthy a d delicious. I haven’t been systematic about cooking from it or other blogs/youtubes, though. I also like Gimme Some Oven, America’s Test Kitchen, Adam Ragusea, and have tried a few recipes from Max Miller’s Tasting History cookbook. The hummous in that cookbook is fabulous! It has black olives and nuts ground up in it, and lots of spices.

    6. RC*

      I’ve found a good number of recipes I’ve liked on 101 Cookbooks (and I am *not* a cook, I just want to put food in my body so that I don’t die for one more day, and if it tastes good then that’s cool too). Tends mostly to entirely vegetarian which I appreciate.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        I am learning to like cooking cooking for myself. I have always liked to cook for others but find the need to cook to eat kind of enraging. I have found high flavor payoff really helps me enjoy it more.

        1. RC*

          My main problem is usually it takes so long to cook most things, I get impatient and just end up like, eating bites of half-cooked pasta instead. To have to plan and stand in the kitchen for like an hour+ and THEN ALSO clean is just exhausting and not how I want to spend my limited time on this planet.

          So yeah when I do cook I tend to make lots of leftovers heh.

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            I have learned not to plan to eat what I am making on the day I make it. I buy myself a treat or eat something convenient on cook day.

    7. Meow*

      Two completely different Chinese vlogs.

      Xiao Gao Jie is a person who excels at thinking in-depth about food. She’s a chemist, so when she gives instructions they are the kind of things that people who love to cook may have done for years and not understanding the why. She tests everything in repeats to be reliable, and it shows.

      A-Lin Chi Tu is a vlogger who is exclusively for people who can’t cook to learn to feed themselves. When he says he’s back to basics, his basics are the sort of thing that people with zero experience are too embarrassed to ask, and lots of people never learnt cooking because of their shame in never been taught how to not set themselves on fire. As he says with every sliced vegetables: don’t worry if they are not pretty, your first goal is not slice up your own finger.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        Xiao Gao Jie sounds like a fantastic person to watch. Your description reminds me of Field of Focus on YouTube. She gets very scientific about household products.

    9. Neither Here Nor There*

      I’ve only just started, but I got King Arthur Flour’s Big Book of Bread for Christmas, and am having a blast cooking through it!

      As for process, I’ve done cookthroughs of a few videogame cookbooks (I did the Final Fantasy XIV cookbook, for example), and spreadsheets always help me. It lets me prioritize the recipes, flag the ones I’d make again, and leave notes.

      I only do one or two recipes a week (so I have my regular meals to fall back on if the new thing doesn’t turn out). Sharing the results can keep your motivation up, too, whether it’s posting online or just sharing the spreadsheet and/or results with your friends. My friends would vote on what I should make next, or ask for tasty-looking recipes, or cackle when I completely destroyed something.

        1. Neither Here Nor There*

          I had the most fun with the Final Fantasy XIV Official Cookbook, although it’s kind of brutal—it uses a lot of expensive ingredients, and while you can easily sub a lot of them, you have to know how. It’s also pretty unfriendly to new cooks—I know a few people who bought it for the branding, but didn’t really have the skills to make very much, and the book doesn’t do much handholding.

          The World of Warcraft Official Cookbook was also fun, the recipes felt really unique and weird (in a good, in-world way!) and included difficulty levels for each recipe.

          (For day-to-day stuff, though, I’m all about the Cook’s Country Science of Good Cooking!)

    10. noncommitally anonymous*

      Sundays at Moosewood. It’s arranged in chapters by country/locality, and has a bunch of recipes from that locality. I’d choose 3/4 from a chapter each sunday and cook them. So, I didn’t do every single recipe, but it was fun having thematic meals every week. It also exposed me to cuisines that I don’t normally cook like Eastern European and African. Probably none of the recipes are terribly authentic, but most of them were tasty. I’ve been thinking of doing it again.

    11. Izzy the Cat*

      I find that any recipe from a Barefoot Comtessa cookbook is a winner. And I am not a very advanced cook. Cannot recommend enough!

    12. Part time lab tech*

      There’s Delia Online from Delia Smith. She occasionally has controversy about being too simple or dated but she’s a great beginning cooking teacher who experiments to find the best technique. She has no children and most, if not all of her information is free. My Grandad joked with my Nanna that they’d “ask Delia” over any cooking disagreements to give you some idea of her heyday.

    13. HannahS*

      I want to cook my way through Smitten Kitchen Keepers (at least the recipes that I can make kosher.) Many of her recipes have become our “house-specialty” recipes. Our usual meatloaf is hers, our regular meatballs are inspired by hers, our house salsa is hers, etc.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      RecipeTin Eats all the way. I cook a ton from her blog and also have both her cookbooks.
      This is saying a lot as I am older and have loved cooking a lot for a long time.

  12. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I just finished Sharon Shinn’s latest, Alibi. I always enjoy her writing, and the characters were fun. But the last bit was frustrating and didn’t make sense to me logically, so it threw me out of the book some.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I just started reading Irmgard Hunt’s On Hitler’s Mountain: Overcoming the Legacy of a Nazi Childhood, a memoir about growing up in the Third Reich near Berchtesgaden and the Fuehrer’s mountain retreat. I nicked it from Mom’s I’m-done-with-this-book-and-now-I’m-donating-it stack before I moved and it’s been sitting in my TBR pile.

      Hunt actually met him as a very small child; her memories of it are pretty dim and mostly about being uncomfortable sitting on his lap. So far I’m still in her childhood, but she was raised in the ideology and as she grew older, and at the end of the war, she sought to understand what had happened while others chose to deny it. A lot of the reasons her parents and their friends, etc. supported him were similar to things people said in 2016 about Dump Truck, so I’m interested to see what her thought process is regarding her awakening.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        That sounds fascinating, I’m going to check it out. At Christmas I did my semiannual rewatch of Band of Brothers, and the scenes from Hitler’s “Eagles Nest” are unnerving.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’ve never seen that show.
          The thing I liked was Downfall. Gaw, that was good. Great study of the megalomaniac mind falling apart.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Almost done with Frankissstein, by Jeanette Winterson–I just love her writing and it’s all about futurism and trans identity. There is some rough stuff in there so TW about not brutal but graphically accurate SA.

      Have just started House of the Seven Gables, and am just blown away at how Hawthorne is so prescient with how people think and behave–he bases most of his stories in the Puritan past (he was writing a good hundred years and change after colonial times)–but the reflections on hypocrisy and burial of fears in self righteousness could describe a LOT of today’s news.

    3. Victoria, Please*

      Susan Maitland’s memoir, A Book of Silence. It’s oddly compelling. She lives in such beautiful places.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      I have such an interesting relationship with Shinn’s series books. I always ADORE the first book, enjoy the second, and put the third one down (or finish it out of sheer obligation.) She used to be an auto buy for me, but once I realized the pattern, that petered off.

      1. Jackalope*

        I really loved the Twelve Houses series, except for the Kirra book which I couldn’t do and which I’ve never reread. And the Elemental Blessings books worked really well for me. But the Angel series had interesting possibilities and I just couldn’t finish it.

        Have you read her one-off book Wrapt in Crystal? I enjoyed it, and would recommend it, but there was one entertaining moment that stood out to me. She wrote about a future time period in which interplanetary travel was the norm, but the main character did his writing with paper and pencil instead of a screen device. The book was written when computers existed but not the internet, and when from what I’ve heard from authors at the time, typewriters and pen/paper were more common ways to write your book. So it makes sense as a projection of the time she was writing in, but still comes across as odd from 2025.

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      Book club book: The Children’s Blizzard. Sad but a part of history in my area of the country.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I was impressed by The Children’s Blizzard – definitely sad, yet it conveyed the realities of life in that time and place very well.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        What a tremendous book! I saw the author speak at a writer’s festival some years ago and read the book immediately. What a tragic event. It was used as a plot for one Little House on the Prairie TV episode, and they did not do it justice.

      3. epicdemiologist*

        Ted Kooser wrote an amazing book of poetry about the Children’s Blizzard called “The Blizzard Voices”.

    6. Bookworm in Stitches*

      All those who enjoyed the Mrs. Pollifax books, read Mrs. Plansky’s Revenge by Spencer Quinn. You’ll love it!

    7. Rara Avis*

      Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng. Like the characters very much, but found the plot falling into very predictable lines.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      Looking for recommendations of African authors/novels that aren’t too much of a bummer. I disliked my recent book club pick because it felt like it wasn’t really saying anything new or interesting, but then I realized pretty much all the Black authors I read are Americans and the more Africa centered or inspired books I’ve been drawn to were fantasy/sci-fi. I want realistic (modern or historical) fiction that says more than just “look how sad and poor they are” – there’s value in telling that kind of story and I don’t mind if those realities are reflected, but I just don’t want it to be the whole plot and point of the story.

      1. Meow*

        I quite liked My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite. Disclaimer is I’m not Nigerian, so lots of cultural specificity went woosh.

        I bought Yassmin Abdel-Magied’s Talking About a Revolution, and I still can’t bring myself to read it. I remember how vividly she was treated by Australian racists, xenophobics, and Islamophobics. I’m saying this as a Gamergate survivor, what we were dealing with was nothing compared to the abuse she received for not being grateful for white supremacy enough.

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Half a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is about two (adult) sisters during the Biafran War, but I wouldn’t say it’s a bummer in the ways you’re describing!
        Nervous Conditions by Tsitsi Dangarembga is about a young Zimbabwean girl and her experience going from her village to a boarding school (I enjoyed this book, then the second one was almost impossible to find, so I skipped ahead to the third and didn’t really like it, but maybe the second was the missing link to understanding how the character changes!)
        I also liked The Shadow King by Maaza Mengiste, which is about Ethiopian women who went to fight during the war against the Italians….realizing it’s another war related novel and definitely has violence, so maybe I’m not meeting your criteria! But these are all written by authors from the countries they are set in, so I haven’t found their depictions of poverty or violence gratuitous!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          OMG, *Half a Yellow Sun* is brilliant. It feels a bit weird to say I loved it, as it is a serious book where bad things do happen, but I did love it, and it definitely gave me insight into a war I didn’t know about and into how one’s peaceful upper- or middle-class life can be suddenly completely upended. I wound up staying up all night reading it.

          I love all of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s books, especially *Americanah*. They all sneak up on me — I like them okay at the beginning, and then, at a certain point, I can’t put them down!

          To give a shout out to a book on the bummer side, *The Joys of Motherhood* by Buchi Emecheta is 100% a bummer and very much about poverty and about the difficulties of being a woman and a mother in poverty, but it sure makes a powerful feminist working-class statement. It was a devastating read, and I would find it too upsetting to read again, but I’m glad I read it.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          *Dele Weds Destiny* is a novel about three Nigerian women who went to college together who are reunited at the wedding of one of their children. The novel zigzags between the present day and their time at college. I really liked the characters and honestly, I wish the book had been longer. I would gladly have followed these women’s stories even further!

        3. Dark Macadamia*

          Thank you! I abandoned her book Americanah when I originally tried reading it but I think it was just because the library ebook expired. I’ll have to give this one a try!

      4. Inky Fingers*

        Ooh, I can recommend some good ones!

        Harlem Shuffle by Colson Whitehead
        The Mothers and The Vanishing Half, both by Brit Bennett
        Red at the Bone by Jacqueline Woodson
        The Secret Lives of Church Ladies by Deesha Philyaw
        The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates
        Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley

        This week I started Stacy Abrams’ Rogue Justice and she does write a gripping thriller (not my usual interest). I’m about a quarter way through, and the only downside so far is the number of characters in it could rival a Russian novel. Having trouble keeping them all straight.

        Lastly, one that isn’t fiction but is a lot of fun: Never Look an American in the Eye by Okey Ndibi

        2. Inky Fingers*

          Oh dear, I realized my brain absorbed African authors as African-American authors! Sigh. My apologies.

          But, Okey Ndibi has written multiple novels, so please don’t overlook him.

      5. Teacher Lady*

        If you’re into romance, Therese Beharrie is a Black South African author who writes contemporary romance.

        Jane Igharo is Nigerian and writes contemporary fiction about Nigerian/Nigerian-Canadian protagonists. Her books all do have romantic elements, but they’re just as much about the complex relationships her characters have with their families and heritage (lots of first generation immigrant tensions).

        Daughter in Exile by Bisi Adjapon is about a Ghanian woman from a prominent family who gets involved with an American, complications ensue.

        Sankofa by Chibundu Onuzo is about a British-African woman who discovers that her father (who she’s never met) was an anti-colonial activist who became the “president for life” of his home country after independence.

        Yeah, typing this out is making me realize I need to seek out more books by African writers!

      6. Bluebell Brenham*

        Hm, I’m thirding My Sister the Serial Killer. One book I read several years ago that doesn’t exactly fit but was memorable is Chibundu Onuzo’s ‘Sankofa’- young English woman tries to find the visiting African scholar who was her father, goes to West Africa to find him, and a lot happens.

      7. Hlao-roo*

        I agree with Meow and Helvetica that My Sister the Serial Killer is worth reading!

        I’ve read Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi, who is Ghanian-American (from Wikipedia it looks like her family moved to the US when she was 2 years old, so she’s lived in the US for most of her life). Homegoing follows two sisters and their descendants through multiple generations–one sister is enslaved and taken to the US and the other sister stays in Ghana. I like the book because it shows how different life was/is for Black people in the US who were enslaved/descended from slaves vs Black people in Ghana (who were still affected by slavery/the legacy of slavery, but differently).

        I also enjoyed You Make a Fool of Death with Your Beauty by Akwaeke Emezi (who is Nigerian). I haven’t read any of Emezi’s other novels, but you might want to check those out too.

      8. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s nonfiction, but Black Ghosts is a fascinating account of Nigerians living in China’s EDZ, by a Nigerian-British female author.

      9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        It’s not fiction, but I really enjoyed Trevor Noah’s autobiography detailing his childhood in South Africa, *Born a Crime* — he and his family happen to be poor at some points in the narrative, but while that is important context, I wouldn’t say it’s the point of his story. It’s more like his hero’s journey and reminded me a little bit of *The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao* in the way that it wove the country’s politics and history in with the protagonist’s story.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Rock Paper Scissors by Alice Feeney. A couple whose marriage is on the rocks wins a surprise weekend trip to a remote house, and–failing to recognize what genre they’re in–set off through the snow to Scotland. The plotting and twist were well executed, but the characters were all unlikeable so I wasn’t rooting for anyone, and it left me rather cold.

      Just started The Improvisers by Nicole Glover. Set in 1931, main character is a barnstormer inspired by Bessie Coleman. It’s historical fiction plus magical societies plus mystery solving. So far quite charmed. I will be checking out the two earlier books about the main character’s grandparents set during Reconstruction, The Conductors and The Undertakers, in which they retire from The Underground Railroad and apply their skills to solving local mysteries.

    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’m reading The Saint of Bright Doors after seeing it recommended here several times – about halfway through and loving it! Can’t wait to see where it all leads…

    11. GoryDetails*

      Strange Pictures by Uketsu, an unusual mystery unfolding via different characters – as they interpret drawings, some made by children, some made by adults as near-death clues… quite intriguing.

      The Poorly Made and Other Things by Sam Rebelein, a horror story framed as found-documents, all centered on peculiar events in one haunted/cursed region. I really enjoyed the writing, and the way each story tied in to the overall narrative.

      Nestlings by Nat Cassidy, a creepy novel set in an apartment building overlooking Central Park in New York. The family of three who’ve just moved in soon find that the beautiful views and lovely architecture hide some distressing secrets…

      There are some interesting aspects to this from the outset, incuding the fact that the couple, Reid and Ana, have struggled to conceive, that the childbirth was traumatic and left Ana in a wheelchair, and that Reid is struggling with his own guilt and frustration. When the couple win a lottery for a very affordable apartment in the historic – if mysterious – Deptford Hotel, they hope it will mean a turning point for them. (The view and the history and the gargoyles all sounded quite appealing to me, but the eerie feelings and apparent lack of neighbors – never mind the creepier stuff – would have been offputting indeed.) Ana’s first thought upon entering the apartment is “We don’t belong here,” and while she allows the view and the price and Reid’s enthusiasm to talk her into staying, things only get worse.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished *Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone*. I enjoyed the narratorial voice a lot, though some plot elements were a little gory for my taste, and I didn’t like the self-conscious pointing to hints much. I’ll probably read the next one in the series soon.

      I’m reading Eve Babitz’s *Eve’s Hollywood* essays/fictionalized memoirish thingies. It has the most insane (5 or 6 page) book dedication I’ve ever read. I like Babitz’s writing, though I don’t think she or anyone will top Joan Didion’s *Play It As It Lays* for me.

    13. WellRed*

      I’m reading the hunter by Taba French, just started so we will see how it is. I’m not crazy about how much so far centers on Trey character. I watched movie Ten Things I hate about You on flight yesterday and now have the thought to read Taming of the Shrew.

    14. Nervous Nellie*

      One Penguin for me this week (well, actually a Puffin): Tales of St. Austin’s by P.G. Wodehouse. I read a ton of his Jeeves books over the years, but this is a new one for me. It’s short stories about a boys’ boarding school and the hijinks that ensue. It’s one of his earliest books, from 1903, when he was 22. You can hear the, “Eh, what? Jolly good!” way of Bertie Wooster in the characters. Lots of laugh out loud moments.

    15. Hoary Vervain*

      Just finished “To Shape a Dragon’s Breath” by Moniquill Blackgoose (it was recommended here) and I LOVED it. It’s like an alternate history/coming-of-age, dragons fantasy set in roughly 1840s Boston (kinda). I’m not much for steampunk, necessarily, but I loved basically literally everything else about the book. The writing, the plot, the exploration of different cultures (both fictionalized and real and now I want to learn more about everything), the characters, the way intersectionality and representation are integral to the book and drive the story. The author clearly does her research on everything from clothing to linguistics to mythology and it just hit the perfect spot in my nerdy little soul.

    16. word nerd*

      Just finished Daniel Deronda by George Eliot and was very disappointed. I usually love Eliot (Middlemarch is my favorite book ever) but both the two main characters felt flat and I wasn’t rooting for anybody throughout the 36-hour audiobook. I had no sympathy for Gwendolyn. I wouldn’t have finished it except that I want to read all of Eliot’s novels eventually.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I feel for you. I tried to read that one and just couldn’t get into it, and I too love Middlemarch! I did finish Romola, but I didn’t like it.

    17. Bluebell Brenham*

      Fun fiction read of the week – The Singer Sisters by Sarah Seltzer- multigenerational story of two sisters who are a folk duet in the 60s, and the daughter of one of them who becomes a successful musician, woven in with other family issues. I liked it. Also read The Medicine Woman of Galveston- a bit mistitled as the Galveston section is only the last quarter of the book or so. But still an interesting look at the traveling medicine shows of yesteryear.

    18. Me Myself*

      I used to love Sharon Shinn’s books – I mostly borrow from the library and buy books very sparingly, but I own several of her earlier YA books and adore them. Alibi was.. not great. I wouldn’t have even recognized it as a Sharon Shinn book. My biggest issue is that it was set in the future – but why??! All the amazing worldbuilding Shinn used to do is missing in this one and the future was barely utilized. Really a letdown.

    19. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      The Grey Wolf, by Laurie Penny. It’s the latest in her Inspector Gamache mystery series, set in and around Montreal. It’s very good, with significant looks back to previous books, but some of them might count as spoilers, if you care a lot about that. (It’s more “everyone knows where he got that scar” than identifying the person responsible.)

      1. Miss Buttons*

        I just finished The Grey Wolf and thoroughly enjoyed it, as I have all of Penny’s previous Gamache books. I love the world of Gamache and Three Pines. Can’t wait until The Black Wolf comes out sometime this year.

    20. PhyllisB*

      I just finished reading W Bruce Cameron’s book My Three Dogs and I loved it because DOGS!!! Parts of it are sad and I had to remind myself this was fiction and fiction (usually) has a happy ending. I have read some of A Dog’s Purpose series but until I read his foreword and acknowledgements in this book I didn’t realize he wrote a whole mystery series. It has nothing to do with dogs ( which I’ll try not to hold against him) but I’ve got to go looking for those.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        Dog book recommendation: Eminent Dogs, Dangerous Men by Donald McCaig. Despite the threatening title, it’s an entertaining and informative account of the (American) author’s journey to Scotland to acquire a (working) sheep dog (a Border collie).

    21. allx*

      Carry around book: To Kill a Mockingbird. Re-reading after many many years as a buddy read with a great-neice who has it assigned for 9th grade english class. I do a lot of buddy-reads with her and I think this one will be beyond her reading comprehension level. It has a dense writing style that takes effort and attention. It might be one of the rare cases where I like the movie much more than I’m presently liking the book.

      Recommended by people here reading: The Dry, Jane Harper. Just a few chapters in and really liking it. Very atmospheric. Tells the story of an investigator who returns to the small Australian farm town he was raised in to attend a funeral of his childhood best friend and family, and gets caught up in the investigation of the deaths, an apparent murder-suicide killing. Captivating.

      Nightstand books/Penguin mini: Africa’s Tarnished Name, Chinua Achebe, powerful essays criticizing Western literature’s misrepresentation of Africa (originally published in the mid-1970s).

    22. carcinization*

      Reading The Book Eaters, didn’t read it when it was released because it sounded meh, ended up at the library last weekend and the selection was not impressive, so ended up checking this book out. It’s fine, some things expected and some things unexpected so far. Not sure any of the characters are especially likeable though.

    23. Elizabeth West*

      I forgot, I also started Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler. It’s really, really good but too close to our reality and is freaking me out. I think it will be my read-on-the-bus book because so far I can only take it in small doses.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m in the middle of the sequel right now and thinking I might stop. It’s really good but so bleak. I read Sower last year within weeks of when the story is set and that was very surreal!

    24. Zephy*

      I just finished Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. I think this one’s going to haunt me for a while – I don’t think I’ve ever read a book with a contemporary protagonist like that. Sure, as a kid I read books with protags that were 10, 12, 14, what have you. But this story is set in 1990s/2000s USAmerica – this specific story is fiction, but it is not fantasy. Every plot beat has played out in some combination or another thousands of times over, in the last 35 years, in a region less than a day’s drive from where I was born.

      Today I started reading Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (Fannie Flagg). I was vaguely familiar with the movie, I chose this for PopSugar’s reading challenge prompt number 9 (a book that features a character experiencing menopause). I had not read the book before. You know how sometimes when you get an older person talking and reminiscing about their life, they’ll just casually confess to murder or otherwise come out with some of the most unhinged shit you’ve heard in your life? This whole book is like that. I barely got 60 pages in before needing to set it down for a while.

  13. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. All games welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still plugging away at Unicorn Overlord. I’m finding it a bit illogical that I’m going around liberating the countryside town by town and a) every single town is welcoming this, and b) the enemy has not come to take back a single one of them. Sigh. But the game play is fun.

    2. Vio*

      I got a computer upgrade recently so I’ve been playing Cyberpunk 2077. My old PC didn’t seem to run the game very well, even on minimum specs (it was extremely buggy on release however so I’m not entirely sure how much of this was my PC) but my new one runs it well with everything on max. I’m thoroughly enjoying it and was initially surprised at the initial reviews being so negative, until I read up on the details. While it’s certainly a problem to release something in such a messy state, it’s great to see how they worked hard to make it right and were able to turn such a disaster into an extremely popular and successful game.
      It’s certainly not the very best RPG I’ve played but it’s very, very far from the worst. I love how there’s little details here and there connecting characters from the seemingly random side missions (usually conversation logs) as well as how the characters are all interesting personalities and the choices along the way, while largely seemingly minor, suggest good replay value (oh if only I had the time to replay games as much as I used to…). I haven’t started the DLC story yet but plan to soon.

    3. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Pirate Yakuza in Hawaii. I’m only on chapter 2 and it’s peak RGG Studios Serious Crime Drama mayhem and I’m here for it.

  14. Vanessa*

    I love skinny taste. Consistently successful recipies. Not too difficult. Healthy. My only complaint is the name.
    A couple favs:
    Chicken pot pie soup
    Mediterranean pork chops
    Broccoli and cheese tots

    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      I definitely need to check my Pinterest board. I’m pretty sure I have quite a few of their either under Recipes (to be cooked) or Yummy (already done and enjoyed).

    2. Seashell*

      Ditto on the site and the name.

      I recently tried the slow co0ker beef bourginon, and it turned out well.

      Other frequently-made favorites:
      Spinach lasagna roll ups
      Slow cooker jerk pork with Caribbean salsa (I have also made it with chicken breasts and it turned out well)
      White bean pumpkin turkey chili
      Quinoa fiesta enchilada bake
      High-protein scrambled eggs with cottage cheese

  15. hummingbird*

    Follow up. Last week I asked about new car negotiating tips but didn’t get back to the thread in time. Just wanted to acknowledge/thank y’all for your comments. This was a rough and busy week and haven’t had a chance to think about it much. But the dealership gave me an update on the vehicle I’m considering.

  16. Needs PJs*

    I need new pajamas – for a trip, so they need to be very light weight (that is, not weigh a lot, as I’m only taking carry-on). I would like a long-sleeved top or tunic and jogger-style bottoms. They could be sold as a set or if I found a top (black) separately that might work, although I don’t love the bottoms from home that I would be taking if I had to. I’ve been looking a bit but no luck so far. Suggestions, anyone? I’m in the USA.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I’ve had good luck ordering sleepwear from Nordstrom’s. I like that you can filter by material type (lots of options). They can be pricey, but the sales are good.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      I have some sets of PJs from Tommy John that fit your description (jogger bottoms, long sleeved Henley for the top.) They are quite lightweight, at least compared to my Cozy Earth PJs.

    3. Love in Every Quilt*

      Cozy Earth has bamboo pajama sets, some with long sleeved tops. Bamboo is temperature regulating.

    5. Bonne chance*

      The Gap has pajamas that would fit the bill and that seem to be on sale currently. (Modal fabric, very comfy.)

    6. Boots from CA*

      Hi, I have several items from Yala. Everything they sell is made from bamboo fiber. Very light weight and available in many colors and styles. Check out their website.

    7. Girasol*

      Does it have to be actual PJs? I like a knit shirt and either knit shorts or light drawstring pants. In a pinch they can double as casual day wear.

      1. Needs PJs*

        We will get to sleep on the plane in business class to Asia, and will change into PJs and I would prefer pjs…the ones I would like to bring are a nice knit but bulky and heavy (as in weight added to carryon). Shorts are a no. Would like joggers so the bottoms don’t drag in the plane’s bathroom.

        1. A Significant Tree*

          I don’t know if you can check but often airlines supply long haul flight biz class passengers with PJ sets. I still have two sets from some work trips on different airlines, they’re lightweight t-shirt material with long-sleeve tops and regular straight/wide leg pants. The pants wouldn’t be what you’re looking for, but Old Navy has lightweight joggers in soft material that are comfy to sleep in.

  17. Sassafras*

    Anyone ever given a recommendation that turned out to be a mistake? A while ago my neighbour asked me what book she could give a young adult niece who “loves Jane Austen” and I recommended Cold Comfort Farm, a hilarious sparkling parody of the miserable rural novels that were popular 100 years ago. Well I’ve just found out the niece is extremely conservative and religious and I had completely forgotten the first thing the main character does is organise birth control for the ever-pregnant maid, not to mention the Mr Mybug character who is obsessed with sex, and the frequent allusions to fertility and reproduction! I hope the poor niece isn’t totally scandalised!

    1. Forensic13*

      If it makes you feel better, I think that seeing those topics in an older book might be good for questioning the idea of traditional values being not quite as “traditional” as our society has been portraying them lately.

      Although I do very much feel the recommendation pain. I insisted to my husband once that we should watch “Cidade de Deus” (City of God,) because I said it was really funny!

      It uh. . . I had forgotten that while there are a lot of funny scenes in the beginning, there are lots of VERY grim scenes later. Took him a long time to let that one go.

      My defense was that I first watched it in my Latin American film theory course at school and it was actually the least depressing movie of the ones we watched.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I told a friend once that a section of a song made me think of her, and then as she started to play it I realized that the first line (which was not the part of the song I meant AT ALL) goes “I’m not sexy but I really want to be” and I was mortified.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Old Yeller, I remembered it as a Disney movie with a golden retriever. I forgot that the dog died in the end. Not good for dog-loving child!

      1. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        Heh. Years ago I got a now-adult niece a copy of _Because of Winn Dixie_ and remember telling her mother, “The dog doesn’t die, I checked!”

      2. Thoughts?*

        There’s a Friends episode where Phoebe keeps talking about how uplifting and fun the movie is—and dogs!—only to actually watch it by the end of the episode and realize that her mom used to “end” the movies that had sadness in them well before the sadness happened. Apparently your memory and Phoebe’s mom re in sync!

    4. Autumn*

      Heh. I love that book (and the movie is so great too). She might choke more on the Church of the Quivering Brethren though. Though who knows! As Forensic13 says, maybe the satire will have an eye-opening effect.

      On the questionable recommendation front, last night I took a new game, Wingspan, to a potluck and six of us tried and failed to make any sense of it, alas. It looked so cool! I’m going to play it with friends who already know how and see if it improves.

      1. curly sue*

        Wingspan is great fun once you get the hang of it! We picked up the dragon variation, Wyrmspan, and really enjoy it.

        1. Autumn*

          Interesting! We were all saying that it should have an option to hear the birdsong, and it looks like the app (with additional app Wingsong) does that! We did know that it’s for 5 people, but we were playing in teams to try to figure it out.

    5. Hoary Vervain*

      Once my husband and I insisted to his rural farmfolk parents that we watch The Life of Brian because at the time our toddler was quoting it (we taught him, obviously) and we found it hilarious. That was such a bad idea for so many reasons, including but not limited to: they couldn’t understand the accents, they didn’t like the humor, the entire Biggus Dickus scene (which always has us on the floor in tears of laughter), and of course, the blasphemy.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Heh, well, that book DID parody the whole “lusty DH Lawrence” thing, so naughty doings were going to arise!

      I recently recommended Jeanette Winterson to a coworker, specifically Frankissstein, before realizing there was some triggering SA stuff in there. I don’t know if they’re going to read it right away or anything but I need to warn them!

    7. Miss Buttons*

      Perhaps instead of being scandalized, this might broaden your niece’s horizons a bit. To me, that’s one of the main purposes of reading: to take in new, different ideas and ways of being, and expand your world view.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I now add trigger warnings anytime I suggest The Deed of Paksenarrion, because the first time I did not. And it was someone who had need of the warning. I felt awful.

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      The week before I started internship my husband was wandering around looking for something to read. I suggested “The House of God,” which I remembered as a hilarious hospital satire akin to M*A*S*H. He read it and completely freaked out – “is this what your life is going to be like??” Oops.

      Years later I suggested a friend read “Happy All the Time” by Laurie Colwin. This is one of my favorite books ever and she HATED it. Said it reminded her of all the spoiled entitled rich people she went to college with. Oops, again.

  18. WoodswomanWrites*

    I’m feeling stressed due to recent executive orders related to federal public lands. While I don’t work for any of the agencies and I’m personally okay, many in my world do. I’m concerned for the places across the country themselves as much as the people.

    I need fun distractions this weekend. I’m planning on spending time outdoors and except for a couple hours mid-day, Saturday and Sunday are open. I welcome your suggestions.

    1. Generic Name*

      I downloaded Happy Color app at the beginning of the pandemic, and I found it very soothing. It’s a tap to color app. Very mindless

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I looooooooooove this app. My late friend introduced me to it. I think of her sometimes when I’m coloring.

    2. hummingbird*

      My main distraction is same as your: time outdoors.
      I would try to spend time with my friends, do hobbies/classes (I dona couple different art classes), maybe see a movie? I don’t watch movies too often but that seems like a good distraction.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks so much. I tried to download the Happy Color app but it’s designed for phones/tablets and not a PC, so I skipped it to avoid using my small phone screen.

      As it happens, a couple who are dear friends let me know this morning they were coming my way spontaneously. We met for lunch at a favorite restaurant and went for a walk at wildlife ponds that function as tertiary water treatment from a sewage treatment plant. We stared at birds in the water and in the air on a leisurely stroll. They are are wonderful people and it was a beautiful shirt sleeve day. Perfect for me today.

      I finished the day watching the Netherlands horse farm channel I like on YouTube, Friesian Horses. I might take myself to an actual movie theater tomorrow, a good suggestion.

  19. tangerineRose*

    Recommendations for web sites with life hacks? I’ve been thinking that there are probably a lot of things that would be easier if I knew more about these kinds of things.

  20. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Many years ago while on a ladder painting, my father got dizzy and grabbed the side of the china cabinet causing it to fall. That was one of the very few times I saw my mother cry. There were cups and saucers that had belonged to her mother and some plates my father had gotten for her.

    My parents are both gone now and I have these pieces in a box. I had wanted to do something with them, but at the time my sister thought that making a mosaic anything was a terrible idea and would further cause our mother pain.

    What would you do with them? I’m leaning towards disposing of them, but thought I’d ask a large group like this who might have some clever ideas.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      A mosaic is the first thing I thought of. Can you revisit that idea now that your mother has passed?

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I second the idea of a mosaic. Perhaps you could make a mosaic using a picture frame as the base, and then frame a photo that included your mother, or both of your parents, or your mother and grandmother–whatever pleases you.

        1. Knighthope*

          Juliet Ames is a Baltimore artist who makes jewelry and other art out of broken china. ibreakplates dot com. The Broken Plate Co.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      There’s an art piece called “Memory Vessel 35” by Bouke de Vries that I’ve always loved, made of broken ceramic pieces inside a clear glass vase. The artist does a lot of different pieces using damaged ceramics so if that particular idea doesn’t appeal to you maybe you could find inspiration for something else that does.

    3. allathian*

      Kintsugi? If you have more or less complete dishes that are in pieces, you could glue them with gold lacquer. It’s a Japanese art form. I’m not saying you should necessarily do more than one or two dishes because they’re decorations and probably not safe to eat from, never mind dishwasher safe. But doing a piece or two might make it easier for you to get rid of the rest.

      1. Not That Kind of Doctor*

        This was my thought also. Pick one that can be reassembled without missing pieces, bonus if the breakage pattern is interesting, have it done this way, and use as an art object/keepsake.

    4. Liminality*

      I’ve been seeing an artist online who cuts out parts of the design on china plates and makes them into jewelry. (Pendants, bracelets, earrings, etc..) maybe something like that could work and the pieces could be made into mementos/heirlooms that way?

      1. I didn't say banana*

        That’s what I was thinking too, a small piece for OP and their sister, then dispose of the rest if it’s unwanted

    5. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m a mosaic artist and have often turned cherished china (accidentally broken or not) into beautiful pieces that can live on as a mirror, wall hanging heart, picture frame or 3D sculpture/animal.

      Please don’t throw the china away. If you don’t want to have it made into a mosaic (or make one yourself), I’m sure that a local mosaic artist would be happy to take it off your hands.

      1. Sloanicota*

        As an amateur, I can also say an “easy” mosaic project is a wooden tray. If you ever get a gift set that comes with a tray (like Harry and David does this) you can use glue and grout to add a mosaic to the bottom quite easily, and it’s a pretty useful item.

      2. Reba*

        I was able to give away a big box of ceramic tile samples on craigslist, so I bet crafty people in your area would spring for a box of beautiful shards!

    6. LBD*

      I second the jewelry idea, using the same sort of techniques that craftspeople use for beach glass or tumbled stones.
      A simple, no tech idea is to use the broken pieces as a sort of mulch layer on the top of the soil in a plant pot or in the garden. I am collecting some dishes to break down a bit more and then to place in the garden. This is much less permanent than some of the other ideas of course, but also doesn’t require much effort, and beats simply throwing the pieces away.

    7. Morning Reader*

      I sometimes use broken ceramic pieces to make a garden border or a decoration in a potted plant.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, I have a rock garden around my herbs and when I break a mug I put the not-sharp pieces there. If all the pieces are sharp you could probably use a rasp or something.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      The Arlo and Janis comic had a series where they were trying to clear out clutter, such as things that had been sitting in storage boxes for years. One box held Janis’s grandmother’s good china, which had been displayed in a lovely cabinet in her home, and child Janis would admire it and occasionally hold a cup or use a plate for a cookie. So for her it held a lot of memories, even though she didn’t use it. She wanted to pass it on to her son, who explained that he had no memories of this special china, which had sat in a box in the attic through his childhood. Which I thought really captured how the meaning with which things are imbued can change with generations.

      If you had it repaired (I am a fan of The Repair Shop!) would it be something displayed or used? Or would it stay in a box?

      Advice on a past decluttering thread that really stuck with me: Someone whose elderly relative explained that this stuff wasn’t treasures–it was stuff she hadn’t had the energy to go through and declutter herself. She certainly didn’t want her heirs to feel that everything in the back of the high cupboard had been carefully preserved because of the memories–it was just hard to reach.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember that story! How Janis literally couldn’t give this china away even to her son, who owned a restaurant!

      2. Liminality*

        I love The Repair Shop!
        I found a ‘live’ amazon prime channel that plays episode after episode. (With commercials, but nothing is perfect.)

        1. UsuallyALurker*

          The Repair Shop also has an official YouTube account and have been posting full episodes. They just posted season 7 episode 50 yesterday so there’s plenty of episodes.

    10. WellRed*

      You are all so lovely with your ideas! My advice is to get rid of it! See if someone wants to take it off your hands and then otherwise, toss without guilt. It’s broken china that’s been sitting in a box for years. I’m assuming you yourself are not a mosaic artist.

    11. Question*

      Some cities offer ceramic recycling at their waste facilities. You could unburden yourself while knowing the broken dishes went to good use.

    12. Chaordic One*

      The idea of making a mosaic is lovely and certainly worthwhile. I don’t know where your sister is getting her ideas.

      You might want to google “kintsugi,” the Japanese art of mending broken china. Professional kintsugi is expensive, but you might want to try doing it yourself. Personally, if a broken dish or cup had sentimental value to me, I would like having the mended item around, even if it were something that I repaired myself with superglue.

    13. SuprisinglyADHD*

      It’s up to you whether or not to keep them, but the mosaic idea sounds cool to me! If keeping them would make you happier than discarding them, then by all means keep them, regardless of whether you attempt repairs or commemorative artwork or leave them in the box or display some pieces that have nice patterns.
      I’ve never worked on china specifically, but I’ve had many successes in repairing decorative figurines and dishes (well enough for display, at least, some of them only have one good viewing angle lol). If you have all the pieces for an item you particularly like, and a decent amount of patience, you might be able to reassemble it and have the cracks be nearly invisible. I use an old website to choose what kind of glue to use: thistothat.com
      Here’s what it says about gluing ceramic to ceramic “We’re so sorry you broke that nice old plate that your grandmother gave you. Don’t worry here’s how to fix it and granny won’t even notice. We recommend: Krazy Glue / Super Glue / Zap / Zap-a-Gap if you have gaps to fill
      And on the site each one links to a short info page.
      Best of luck, whatever you decide to do with your box of memories!

      1. WellRed*

        Sounds like her memory here is of her mother crying, not any memory of her own related to the china. But I realize I’m in the minority here ; ). The Arlo and Janis comment resonates with me. Is OP planning to then leave whatever broken china craft she comes up with for the next generation to offload. I would however love an update on whatever she does and will applaud it!

        1. Shutterdoula*

          That’s the memory she shared. And it was shared as backstory to the question. It likely isn’t the ONLY memory. For all you know there are many more fond memories OP did not share because they are not pertinent to the question.

    14. Frieda*

      If you think you could replace any of the broken items, or buy more of the same pattern, would that feel good? For me one of the small miracles of modern life is that I can sometimes replace a little item I treasured once that has been lost or broken over time.

      If you display china, or would like plates hung on the wall in your kitchen or dining room, you might enjoy looking at those patterns again.

      1. Chaordic One*

        This is a good idea. I’ve had good luck purchasing missing pieces of china sets from Replacements, Ltd and even from eBay a couple of times. There are probably some similar businesses that I’m not aware of.

    15. WestsideStory*

      Last year I broke my late mothers casserole dish and cried for two days. . . So I get it. I saved one small piece and am having it made into a pendant for a necklace. The local flea market has crafts people so I am using one of them. Maybe that would work for you? You don’t need to keep it all, but I understand the desire to keep some of it, even a tiny piece, as a touchstone memory.

    16. Judy Arnold*

      contact my friend Liam Hughes who does pique assisette (stolen from the plate). IrishFireside. com.

  21. Liminality*

    What to do with a stray cat?
    A cat was lingering out front of the building when I went to check on my new place around 9pm tonight. (I’m not currently living there as it’s a construction site right now due to a small remodel, see last week’s tub question.)
    I thought it might belong to the neighbor in the building and when I rang their doorbell they said, “we know that cat, not ours but it’s been living outside for about a year now. We pet it sometimes.”
    The overnight low is 24F tonight and I couldn’t bear to leave it outside. There is literal snow on the ground right now. I put a couple moving blankets, a bowl of water and a litterbox in the garage and invited the friendly, but skittish cat inside. No collar. It’s a big, floofy cat. Not siamese, but that color pattern. (Cream with a dark face, paws, tail) one ear is tipped indicating that the cat had a trip to the vet courtesy of a TNR program. Doesn’t seem obviously unhealthy. Some matting, but very floofy with a thick undercoat that could be masking thinness.
    Gonna get it checked for a microchip tomorrow but:
    What next?
    If the cat has a home and family, great!
    But I doubt it.
    I’m not sure I’m mentally/emotionally capable of just letting it go back outside. It really is freezing out there and my building is near some quasi-protected wetland/marsh area.
    I would feel almost as bad dropping it at the humane society where the odds of adoption aren’t good and overcrowding is solved…. well… I don’t want to think about it, maybe a life as a stray is better? They’ve survived so far.
    And finally, I could try to keep the cat. I’m still processing the loss of my Soul Cat who passed a few years ago and I’m not sure I’m prepared for another commitment. And what if this cat doesn’t want to live indoors or be my friend?
    What to do?

    1. RagingADHD*

      I think you already know that you have a cat now. It may be a garage cat instead of a housecat, but if you’re feeding it, making sure it has a warm bed out of the weather, and taking it to the vet —

      I mean, come on. That’s your cat. I’m sure it will want to be your friend soon, because you’re obviously a kind person.

    2. RC*

      I’ve always thought sometimes we choose our cats, and sometimes our cats choose us. Maybe you have been chosen :)

      With some time and enough toys I think all cats can (should) be happy indoor cats. Especially the floofy ones, those mats can get gnarly!

    4. Sloanicota*

      Controversial – depends on how passionate you are about birds and lizards – but my local shelter has started to instruct people to let spayed “community cats” live out their natural lives. Their logic is that resident cats patrol their territory and discourage more unfixed cats from moving in. In my neighborhood a woman makes kitty beds out of straw and big tupperware crates. I probably wouldn’t put out food though, as that’s how you grow a colony, but you could offer food only to that one cat and take it up as soon as he’s done, perhaps. However, If the cat seems friendly and willing to live inside, I hope you’ll consider keeping him on (some stray cats get sick of outdoor life and are truly happy to be indoor pets; others not). I don’t believe in letting cats outdoors personally, as I am a bird person. A seal point is also a more desirable / less common color, particularly if fluffy, so this cat might have better luck if you ask around with pictures.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Adding on to this last point: even a great cat can get lost in a crowded shelter, particularly if not a baby, and otherwise wonderful animals may become unadoptable there, which is why fostering is a really valuable service by me a) letting the animal shine in a normal homelike uncrowded setting and b) connecting my own network to this great animal that needs a home. I have almost always ended up finding an adopter for my foster pets (except one time I failed which is how I got my first kitten, and people wanted her, but I refused to give her up haha). So if you don’t want to keep a cat permanently, but do want to find this cat a home, that’s quite a realistic goal. Post on social media, talk him up – people will take proven, tested animals that would never go pick up an adult cat in the shelter.

    5. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I work with TNR cats in much colder areas. It’s possible the cat has a shelter with a carer, or they used to and something happened to the carer.

      If it were me, I would get a big plastic covered bin, make a cat-sized hole, and add straws. Never blankets for more than a few days because moisture causes them to freeze and can kill the cat. Straw only, because hay is for horses and straw for strays. If there is a cat rescue in your area then contact them to ask if they have spare shelters.

      Oh, although start by putting a paper collar on it, if you can, to see if someone else is caring for it. But that’s unrealistic for most outdoor cats! Though if you got it in your home then it’s friendly enough.

      The cat is so fluffy because it has winter fur. I would suggest that you feed and house it outside for a while to get it comfortable with you. It is used to outside and doesn’t know you, so transitioning to indoors with a stranger is a lot all at once. Less stressful if you feed it outside for a few weeks.

      All that said, it’s really up to the cat and what works for you!

    6. Not A Manager*

      The cat is friendly and was willing to come inside? It sounds like you’ve been able to at least get close to it and possibly touch it? Honestly, I think the universe has given you this cat. It sounds to me like it does want to be your friend. And if it doesn’t, and it wants to live outdoors, it will tell you that and then you won’t have to wonder whether it was cruel to release it.

    7. Generic Name*

      Congratulations! The universal cat distribution system has issued you a cat! One of my cats showed up on my doorstep while I was intensely studying for the GRE. After the third night when it was cold and raining, we just opened the door and she walked in. We already had another cat, so we didn’t have to do anything extra. She was always slightly feral and loved her outdoor time, but she moved several times with us. She lived to be 13.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      If it’s friendly enough to accept petting, and was willing to come inside with you, it sounds more like a stray than a feral cat. It’s possible it was someones pet that got lost, or (unfortunately) abandoned. It’s also possible (but unlikely) it was born to a feral cat but acclimatized to humans as a kitten.
      If it doesn’t have a microchip, you could definitely adopt it. A formerly outdoor cat might need extra playtime to feel fulfilled but the switch to indoors only is much safer and would give it a much more healthy life (much less chance of parasites, injury, illness, and fleas, much better nutrition and coat care). If you’re not ready for another cat in your life, perhaps you could look into fostering programs in your area.
      Since it was willing to follow you inside, it’s quite likely that it wants to be your friend! We have a stray in our area that will happily accept food, and will even follow us to the kitchen to watch it being dished out, but panics if the door is closed so it can’t leave. It sounds like this floofy cat, on the other hand, was ok with being inside the garage, so it would probably happily make the switch to indoor cat. If you decide you’re ready for it, you could definitely adopt this one, it sounds like it decided you’re a safe person!

    9. Liminality*

      She is chipped!
      And yet, I am still in a liminal space.
      The vet says the only step they can take is to contact the chip registry. The registry then contacts the owner registered to the chip to give them my info and…..
      We wait to see if the owner will contact me.
      Sometimes the registered owner is not the current owner. (If there Is a current owner…)
      How long does one wait for such contact?

      2. epicdemiologist*

        This is a tangent, but an important one for dog/cat owners. One of the largest microchip companies in the US just abruptly went out of business and their registry vanished. If your pet has one of the affected chips, you don’t have to get it chipped again–you can register the number with another company. But if you don’t do that, and your pet gets lost, the chip info will not point to anything. I’ll put a link in a reply to this comment.

      3. Cat Savvy*

        Even some trappers chip their cats. It’s included in the package where I get my TNR cats fixed. If she’s tipped, that’s her hall pass to remain outside. If she doesn’t otherwise have an owner or feeder, you can adopt her. But if she’s been around for awhile, there are people feeding her, even if they don’t consider her theirs. In most cases, a healthy adult cat is better off remaining in her territory than being taken to a shelter. But a private/progressive shelter might be able to help you contact trace the chip.

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My brother had adopted his cat after he watched her previous owners literally throw her out the car into a snowbank. Five years later a vet tech scanned her for a chip for some reason and was like “oh hey, we found her real owner and left them a voicemail, they have two weeks to claim her! :D “ (then she couldn’t figure out why my brother was so furious he was literally in tears.) We all in my house agreed that if the owner did actually call back, they could take him to court and we’d support him (I was my brother’s landlord and the one he’d come to with the sob story about rescuing the cat at the time), but they luckily didn’t, so after two weeks with no response they were able to re-register the chip to my brother.

  22. I didn't say banana*

    Question for Americans who’ve called for an ambulance.

    I know TV shows do not portray reality, but I’m curious about something that always happens when a character calls 911. They say “I need an ambulance”, give the address, say what has happened to the injured/sick person, then hang up. In my country, you have to stay on the line with the dispatcher until the ambulance arrives, and they’ll give you instructions and ask questions the whole time. Does this happen in America too or do people really just hang up?

    1. Ellis Bell*

      Not an American, but going to put my money on the table and say it’s less dramatic for the narrative to have someone on the phone rather than making stuff up on the spot. This happens in British dramas too, where you’d definitely have the dispatcher stay on to give advice in real life.

    2. CityMouse*

      They absolutely stay on the line with you both to get information for the EMTs and to walk you through instructions (like CPR).

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have had to call ambulances in both the US and the UK. Both of the people I was calling about were conscious throughout, which may have made a difference.

      US (Reason for calling – elderly relative had a suspected seizure) – The call handler hung up, though this may have been because we were very close to a fire station so they knew that the ambulance would arrive fast.
      UK (Reason for calling – family member had a suspected mild heart attack) –
      The call handler stayed on the line till the ambulance arrived, which took about 15 minutes.

      Fun fact: I did first aid training in the UK recently, and the trainer told us that 911 will apparently work in some cases in the UK now. It’s because so many people see that number in American TV shows etc. that they think of it before/instead of our actual emergency number, which is 999.

    4. Angstrom*

      Some people do hang up because they don’t understand how modern dispatching works. They think that the dispatcher can only do one thing at a time, and if the dispatcher is talking to them it is delaying having them send help.
      Best practice is to stay on the line if possible.

    5. Jules the First*

      I’ve called ambulances in both Canada and the UK. In Canada they kept me on the line because I was alone but all four times we’ve had to have a rig out in the UK (my kid has severe asthma and anaphylactic allergies, so a 999 call is a not uncommon occurrence in our house, and by and large the ambulance service are lovely helpful folk) I’ve been given guidance about what things should trigger a second call if they happen before the ambulance arrives and told to clear the line.

    6. BlueCactus*

      I’ve called emergency services a few times, once when I was on the scene and twice to report an accident on the highway when it wasn’t safe to stop. The time I was at the scene, they stayed on the line, the other times we hung up after I gave them the information.

    7. Sloanicota*

      Not your question but the times I’ve called 911, unlike on TV, the first order or business is always recording my phone number (presumably so they can call back/track me if we are abruptly disconnected) and then establishing my location with dizzying precision. I’m pretty sure they want that handled before even inquiring about the situation, which is the opposite of what seems important to you in the moment. Both times I’ve called, I’ve found it a bit frustrating TBH. But I suppose that’s emergencies for you.

    8. Qwerty*

      There is a longer conversation but whether you stay on the line until the ambulance comes depends on the situation and safety. If the situation sounds stable for the next 10min, the call will end once enough info is communicated. But they’ll keep you on the line if it sounds like medical advice might be needed so they can walk you through CPR, stopping the bleeding, etc or if you feel unsafe.

    9. Plaidless*

      You will get mixed answers, since the US is so big and different places have different policies.

      I’ve called 911 a lot in the past couple of years due to my husband’s ongoing chronic issues. They always give an estimated wait time, then hang up.

      You have to realize that for those of us in the boonies, staying on the line until the ambulance arrives would be at least a 30-minute phone call.

    10. Seashell*

      I’ve only called 911 for an ambulance once & they hung up on me. Someone in my household was on the phone with a family member who was in pain and they suddenly got disconnected. I called 911, but we didn’t know the street address off the top of our heads and the dispatcher got annoyed with me & hung up before we could find it. We called back again once we had the address, and it wound up that the family member had called 911. The problem turned out to be something painful, but not life-threatening.

      I called 911 once about a crime I witnessed. I had left the area and they took down whatever detail I knew about the perpetrator and my personal information, including home address and phone number. I never heard anything further.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep, as I said above, 911 is pretty laser focused on getting the precise location. That’s really their main job, I think, from their perspective. So I wouldn’t call until I have the address and cross streets etc because they will (in my limited experience admittedly) get VERY frustrated/short with you if you are muddled about that. Last time I called I was on a trail off of a main road and the lady was literally yelling at me because she found my location frustrating to describe on the map although I was doing my best to describe it. Location is everything to fire/EMS because they don’t want to waste a truck’s time driving around lost.

        1. Anonymous Cat*

          I thought in the US that they can track your phone location? So if you’re having a heart attack or stroke and can’t speak, they can tell where you are and send a welfare check?

          Or was that just with landlines?

          1. Purple People Pleaser*

            I think it’s not perfectly reliable and they don’t want to just depend on that, if they’re going to mobilize a whole truck (and thus have it be unavailable for other emergencies).

            1. ronda*

              In my city the fire truck was always sent as the 1st responder. (not reserved for other emergencies that had not happened yet)
              One time someone stopped at my house asking to call for a medical emergency. The ambulance arrived about a minute before the fire truck, so they took the call and told the fire engine they could handle it. I do concur that 911 asked about location 1st and then asked about the issue.

              I also called 911 for someone passed out in their running car blocking my driveway. They sent a police cruiser for that one, and ended up arresting for drug possession and towing the car. They asked me if I wanted the officer to speak to me and I did not. Just saw him show up and work the situation. They didnt keep me on the phone for that one.

          2. Rara Avis*

            I think just landlines. My school’s previous location was right next to a highway, and they always told us to call from a landline, because cellphones would appear to be on the highway and we’d get connected to CHP based in the state capital hundreds of miles away.

            1. Pam Adams*

              Yes. On my campus, dialing 911 from a campus landlines connects you to the campus police. Calling 911 from your cell gets you the Highway Patrol. I keep the direct line number in my cell phone if I j have an on-campus issue.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think it kind of depends on the situation too. If they’re talking someone through doing CPR or similar, they’re not going to hang up, or if it’s a kid calling.

    12. Generic Name*

      I’m American, and I’ve had many first aid training classes, and they all train that you should stay on the line. It’s one of the many things scriptwriters get wrong about the real world. Also see a hacker breaking into an encrypted government system in under 30 seconds by banging randomly on the keyboard or how you know a person is a scientist because he’s Asian and peers at a test tube with a blue liquid in it.

    13. Shutterdoula*

      I think it’s situation-dependent. Most of the times I’ve called it hasn’t been for an ambulance. I’ve called for fires, for a drunk driver, for downed power lines that were sparking, and for a pretty awful child endangerment situation. For all but the drunk driver, they kept me on the line until help arrived. For the drunk driver, I wasn’t the only caller and they told me another dispatcher was on the line with someone following the drunk driver so they took my info and hung up.
      The one time I called for an ambulance (which was in the early 90s, pre cell phones so I was on a land line) they had me stay on the line until the first responders were in the apartment complex but couldn’t find the apartment. Then they had me hang up to go find the first responders.

    15. WFH4VR*

      On the two very scary occasions I had to call 911, the operator did not let me hang up until the ambulance crew were inside my house. I think this is because they are going to have to give you directions over the phone if the ambulance doesn’t get there fast enough.

    16. Past Lurker*

      I had to call for an ambulance recently, they let you know when it’s OK to hang up. They needed a lot of detailed information first. Not just location, but also of the person in need of care: their age, detailed description of the issue, are they breathing normally, heart rate, known medical issues if any, etc. (Thankfully the person needing the ambulance was mostly OK in the end, still recovering though.)

    17. Hyaline*

      Typically you’re supposed to stay on the line with dispatch unless it’s not possible to do so, and the dispatcher will tell you to stay on the phone. I think this is a Hollywoodism for drama/moving the plot along. There might be some exceptions (a situation where the dispatcher assesses it’s not necessary, a situation where it’s not safe to stay on the phone), but usually you’ll stay on the phone.

    18. fhqwhgads*

      It depends. They almost always keep you on the line longer than what you’d see on TV, follow up questions, etc. But it’s not a guarantee that you’d need to stay on the line until they arrive.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This. I stayed on the line when Mom had the stroke, but when she tripped and hit her head several months later, my sister called and they took info and then told her they were on the way and disconnected. I didn’t call that time because I was giving first aid (she was fine, it was just messy).

    19. Nightengale*

      I have called 911 twice for medical emergencies as a bystander in the US.

      I know when I called about someone having a seizure they kept me on the line until EMS arrived. Generally it is best practice to stay on the line because the dispatcher can give all sorts of information. For the person having a seizure they made sure I knew not to start CPR on someone who was breathing. I knew that but I suspect a lot of people may panic and try.

      When I called for a traffic accident by my bus stop I didn’t stay on the line. I have a flip phone and it was pretty loud. I probably wouldn’t have been able to hear much on speakerphone and wanted two hands free to try to help. I made sure dispatch had the location of the accident and that there appeared to be at least 2 injured people. By the time EMS arrived, I was putting pressure on a wound and two other health care providers had also stopped to help. (I’m a doctor. The nurse practitioner I worked with and a doctor at completely another hospital were both driving by. Clearly that was the right corner to choose if you are going to have a serious car accident.)

      I did NOT do the usual thing doctors do on TV when an ambulance arrives, which seems to be to tell EMS what to do or argue with them about treatment or which hospital to choose or etc.

    20. Nicki Name*

      I’ve had to call 911 a few times for other people. It seems to vary depending on the health problem. When someone had fallen and was unable to stand, but had developed no new problems beyond their already known mobility issue, the 911 dispatcher didn’t stay on the line. When it was severe abdominal pain, they stayed on until I confirmed that the ambulance had arrived and the medics were coming to the door.

    21. velveteen rabbit*

      It depends! I’ve called 911 at least three dozen times in the last decade for neighbors, clients, and family, and the staying on the line or not seems to vary depending on severity of the call.

      Two examples:
      – We discovered that my grandfather had fallen at some point in the night when we showed up the next day to do his twice daily checks. He’d been unable to get to the phone and had (as it turns out) fractured his hip and pelvis, but at that point he was alert and not in any immediate danger. An ambulance was dispatched but we didn’t stay on the line as it would’ve been 20-30 minutes before the paramedics got there.

      – When a client of mine who had severe mobility issues needed an ambulance I *did* stay on the line with the dispatcher the entire time and it turned out to be a very good thing because the paramedics initially went to the neighbor’s house. But, that response time was roughly eight minutes and I’m 100% certain that played a part.

      I’ve also had to call for lift assist many, many times – where I live firefighters will come out and pick the fallen person up free of charge and it’s extremely useful if you’re caring for people who are wobbly and may do things like slide out of their chair from time to time without injury. I learned very quickly to call the non-emergency dispatcher for that so I wouldn’t tie up the emergency line, especially since lift assist isn’t always the fastest response time. I’ve never stayed on the line for that.

  23. Lee*

    I think that depends on the situation. I’ve unfortunately had to call 911 a few times this year. While they got the relevant information from me, and gave me some instructions as well, they never stayed on the line. They did say I could and should call back if something happened/changed before the ambulance came, but they didn’t stay on the phone with me either.

    1. Sloanicota*

      As I recall, they tell you to go wait for the ambulance out by the road to guide it in. They probably evaluate whether you need them to stay on the line or not based on your situation.

  24. Vio*

    A little background. I’m limited in how much I can work so I claim disability benefits while working part time (some of my benefits are reduced based on how much I earn at my job). I’ve always struggled with money, benefits are very low and because I work for a charity I make minimum wage. My job is unusual in that I work for the same charity which had previously (and continues to) help me with my mental health issues and so my boss and coworkers have a much greater understanding of my limitations. Even during a time when I would have made more money by quitting my job (because of the reduction it caused in benefits) I chose to stay because it would have been hard for my mental health to leave. Then I lost my PIP (Personal Independence Payment, a disability benefit here in the UK). I often struggled to make ends meet. Sometimes work or friends offered to lend me some money, I always made sure to pay back as soon as I got my next wages, but I always hated the feeling of having to borrow.

    Then there was a big change. I won an appeal against the Department of Work & Pensions and the court ordered them to not only reinstate my PIP but to increase my benefits and award backpay for two years. This has meant that I was able to fully clear all my debts, rebuild my savings and be able to treat my friends and myself.
    But I’m completely out of my element. I’ve spent so long scraping by that I don’t know how to deal with having money. At first I let myself take it easy and tried not to worry. But now I have to admit that I am not handling it well. I’ve done some things right, making sure to separate my money into three bank accounts (savings, bills and spending) and buying things that are genuinely useful. But I’m also making impulse purchases, as much as I try not to. I’ve bought furniture that I don’t know if I have room for (I haven’t built them yet), bought games I won’t have time to play and had more meals out and takeaways than I should.
    I have ADHD, cPTSD and an assortment of other issues that probably affect my judgement, but I think a big part of it is that my brain has learned that thinking about money causes stress and so avoids doing so, one of those defence mechanisms that actually does more harm than good but try telling my brain that!

    Anyone have any advice?

    1. peter b*

      I make enough to live comfortably on my own now, which is starkly different than my young adulthood, and several years into this I’m still doing things like optimizing how full I can get a garbage bag or keeping my grocery spending low. When you’re broke all the time, it feels, or felt to me, like a moral imperative to be frugal. Both because it was a matter of survival and because of the cultural judgement on how you should be able to just budget your way out of poverty wages.

      It’s tricky because this is a temporary boost for you, but also… if you’re spending on your life so you can live it, and you’re getting your needs met, AND you’ve paid off debts that will increase your stability long-term AND saving, well, the point of having money does not need to be the hoarding of it. There are diminishing returns on scrimping every penny during this period of relative abundance, and it comes at the cost of your comfort and self-image as a person worth having nice things just because you can. Yes, there is a balance, but from what you describe, you’ve got plenty of caution and wit about you.

      I don’t budget, per se, and I still kind of freak out every time I check my bank balance even though I know there’s money in there! All that coupon clipping and reusing old jars doesn’t keep me from spending frankly stupid money on eating out with friends. But I don’t owe anyone else a financially optimized life, and if I’m safe and my life is sustainable, I’ll face the fear when I can and give myself grace. I hope you’re able to, as well. Get second opinions from folks you trust, but it’s your life, nobody else’s. I hope all your takeaway is delicious and your games library satisfying, played or not.

    2. SleepyTeacher*

      As a fellow ADHDer I found that the only thing that broke my dopamine-hit shopping habit was going on an extended no-buy. I found the clear rule of “buy nothing” easier than trying to analyse what is/isn’t a good spending choice and it really did break that habit for me.

      When I am shopping now I have set a few rules that align with my ethics (only buy secondhand for non-essential purchases, never use Amazon) which makes it easier to stick to them and usually saves me money.

      I’ve heard of people keeping rules like “wait the same number of days as the value in pounds” to decide if a non-essential purchase is worth it (so if you still wanted a £90 pair of shoes after three months you’d go back and buy it then).

      In UK too and if you have money left at the end of each month you could consider starting a private pension or increasing your pension contribution. Retirement age is getting beyond what I think I can healthily work (*cries in TeachersPensions*) so I’ve started a private pension in hopes of being able to retire some years earlier.

    3. Time for Tea*

      You are allowed to have nice things. You deserve to have nice things. I’m telling you this as someone who full on broke down and cried when we got some pretty crockery from Dunelm (the poppy set, still love it) as the first nice thing I’d been able to buy in a lot of years. And that was because there was an internal feeling of I can only have useful, utilitarian things that I have an absolute desperate need for and will last forever. Being in a position to buy things just because really threw me for a long time.

      If you don’t already I would set an amount in your budget for fun stuff, that you are allowed to spend in any way you feel like with no regrets.

      If physical stuff accumulating at home is affecting how you feel then clear it out. Put it on second hand sites or send it to charity shops. That money has gone in any event so let go of any residual guilt about how appropriately you spent it.

      I think as time goes on you will become more comfortable with your new circumstances (and it sounds like you’re doing well, really) and you will settle in to how much you are comfortable with spending versus saving anyway as your brain moves away from just being in survival mode.

      I’m really impressed with your strength to push through and fight that appeal case, I know how hard they are. And you do deserve nice things.

    4. K-Chai*

      You mentioned having three bank accounts, but would it work to increase the amount in savings, to reduce the available amount available for regular spending? As a young adult my parents forced me to meet with a financial advisor (general financial info, not trying to sell something) and one thing I was recommended then was to having multiple savings accounts for multiple things. So I (a full-time US worker in a car-dependent area) have an “emergency” savings account (if I lose my job or something similar—this money has never been touched), an auto savings account (mechanics, also should act as a down payment when I eventually have to get a new one), and a “leisure goal” account (for whatever thing I’m saving up for—has been used to buy a new laptop, and go on vacation). I also separately have a retirement fund, which isn’t a savings account, it’s its own legal thing.

      This has been helpful to me personally (ADHD) because savings accounts require more work to spend from, and instead of having a single large “everything savings,” I can see how my money is separated for specific things I care about, and I can adjust what I transfer into savings up or down. (I don’t know how bank accounts work in the UK, but my savings accounts are a type of bank account that I can’t pay directly from, while checking accounts you can pay directly from and debit cards can be used, so there’s a literal barrier to ease of spending from savings.)

      The other thing that *sometimes* works for me with spending (not food, but other purchases) is, if it’s online, I add it to my cart and then leave the site. If I really want it, I’ll still want it 24+ hours later. But a lot of times, adding it to my cart fulfills the part of my brain that WANTS it and doesn’t want to consider anything else (money, space, time, actual use). The enforced time away means that when I come back to it, I’m usually mentally much better at thinking through whether I want/need the thing or not. (Same idea in stores is more difficult, but I definitely have been known to put something in my basket and wander around for a while, which often has the same effect of letting me decide not to get it because the impulsive part of me was partially satisfied and has calmed down.)

    5. ronda*

      It sounds like you got some money that is a one-time thing (backpay) and an ongoing income amount (increased benefit amount).
      If your increased benefit amount covers all your normal expense and you are guaranteed to have it forever, sounds like you are good. Since the backpay is a one-time thing I would not include it in future budget planning.

      The next things to think about is : are the things you are buying the things you value and want. So maybe write down what you want & what benefits it gives you, make some notes about it, but dont buy it for 30 days. Look at it in 30 days and see if you feel the same level of want and what benefits it gives you. If you are convinced it is for you and can afford it, go for it. Follow up again in 30 days after purchase, did it give you the benefits you wanted? are you still happy with it? Train yourself to be thoughtful about what you want and what you end up enjoying long term. Dont deprive yourself of stuff you really want or need, but dont spend your resources on things that are not providing you with the enjoyment you are looking for.

      Have you measured your space for the furniture and see that the dimensions will fit? If they dont, you should be able to return them (if you have not built them yet). So even if you do buy something impulsively, maybe you can return it if you regret it and have not used it yet.

      I searched Britain financial counseling and several websites came up with advice, see if any of that is helpful and maybe if finding an in-person counselor would help with being able to talk about the issues and have an outside perspective on your financial plans and decisions. (or maybe you have a trusted friend to discuss with)

      and.. I am retired and do some volunteer work. So if you are wanting to do more “work” but it can’t be paid work because it would reduce your benefits too much, maybe there are some volunteer opportunities that you would enjoy. I found it hard to find the right one for me but have found one I really enjoy. If that sounds appealing try one and if it is not the right fit try another one until you find something that is fulfilling for you.

    6. Anono-me*

      I have a ‘Savings Account’ at a separate CU. My savings money goes in there automatically. I don’t have an ATM card or online account and their physical location is a pain.to get to and has very limited parking.
      The rest goes into my workplace CU account. That is where I keep what I need for my monthly bills, a little mad money and a small savings/safety account.

      A friend swears by the ‘envelope method’, says visualizing where the money goes is very helpful.

    7. OxfordBlue*

      Well done for winning your case against the DWP that must have taken an enormous effort to keep going over the two years. Have a look at the forum on the Money Saving Expert site, (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/) there are lots of threads on there suggesting ways to manage your spending and on many of them you can post over a week, a month or longer which means you get lots of support from other forumites. I find the Old Style Board suits me best but have a poke around the site to see what you find most helpful.
      One of the ways I manage to curb my impulse buying is by having a “things I might want to buy sometime” folder in my favourites on my laptop and I save anything that catches my eye while I’m browsing into that folder. Then if I want to go back to it another day I can but generally I find the impulse wears off and I end up deleting the link from the folder a year or so later and wondering why I ever wanted whatever it was in the first place.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      You sound like someone who is actually doing pretty well! In terms of improving further, as someone who also has ADHD, you need a set of rules for a lot of this stuff. You don’t have an internal “enough” button, so you need rules. I’ll tell you mine, but you will probably need to tailor-make your own set, and tweak until they work for you. My rules are: I don’t allow myself to get takeaway unless there’s visitors, it’s been a decorating day, or a special occasion, or it’s been x weeks or months since the last one. I also keep a lot of fast/delicious things on hand as a temptation buffer. Box mac and cheese and frozen pizza will be done long before a takeaway can even get here. Whatever looks like a good ratio, or way to enjoy takeaway (enjoying it with guests makes a big difference and is cheaper than restaurants imo). If you’re doing impulse purchases you need to track down the source of temptation and eliminate it, like are you going to the wrong part of the supermarket or letting too much spam marketing through? If you’re actively searching for stuff to buy, simply start searching for free stuff and minimalism advice. You can always “shop” by making a Pinterest board or Amazon wishlist and not returning to buy until time has elapsed or you’ve deliberately saved for it. A possible rule for your situation is not to buy anything new until you’ve used or decluttered what you’ve got. I like to shop from my wardrobe and make new looks before deciding if my wardrobe really needs another addition. Keep it big picture, instead of hyper focusing on the shiny new thing. A new game means an old one won’t get played; how does it fit into the collection? Big projects like furnishing a home are trickier, because you have to buy stuff but keep it controlled. I would say to plan thrice, and buy once. Measure up (do this twice!), make collages, make a PowerPoint, make a wishlist of comparable items, put boxes in the designated spots and do a walkthrough. Sketch. It feels like doing something but it’s all reversible, cheap and will inform your buying.

  25. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

    Clutter clutter clutter
    I want to say a heartfelt thank you to the commenter who mentioned Dana K White last week. Her method of decluttering suits me down to the ground, and I have now watched heaps of videos and listened to her audios while decluttering. And enjoyed the whole process. So far I have decluttered ten shelves, a drawer, two boxes – it’s been great. Three bags of stuff to the opshop and a bin full of recycling.
    If you are the sort of person who can think of something creative to do with any bit of stuff, and can’t help but save boxes and packing materials, and love buying things at garage sales until you are overloaded with things- her method might suit you too.

    1. Decluttering daughter*

      I’m so proud of you! I helped my mother declutter a couple years ago and it’s changed her life. She was a hoarder who got a lot of mental health help for years, so it was a long process.

      I also decluttered my basement this month and put out a big pile of recycling this week so I’m feeling really good about that!

      Well done, congrats!

    2. sagewhiz*

      Lighten Up! and Decluttering 55 are two books by Michelle Passoff that might be good for some people. She’s got some YouTube stuff, and someone told me she has a podcast, too.

    3. HannahS*

      Oh I like her! I remember reading one of her books where she regretfully tells the reader that the reason some people have a clean home every day is that they clean every day. Devastating news, but it made me laugh and rethink things (no I don’t clean every day)

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so glad you’ve found her helpful too!
      Good luck with your decluttering journey. It’s been super rewarding for me.

    1. Cat lady*

      Any last ditch tips on integrating a second cat (kitten) into the household? Our existing Lady of the House does not like the friend we adopted for her. It’s been over a month of painstaking slow integration attempts following all the tips from our vet/Jackson Galaxy/everything we can think of. She is not having it and continues to be aggressive toward the kitten. Are we doomed?

  27. WellRed*

    Curious if anyone is participating in the economic blackout next Friday? I will but it’s admittedly a low bar and I think I’ll cancel my Amazon prime. I don’t use it a ton but love it when I do. But I could also do with reining in spending so there’s that

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        If I cancel Prime, can I single-subscribe to the streaming services shows I watch through it, like on Acorn TV, without it going through Prime?

    2. Sloanicota*

      I canceled Prime a while ago and it’s very doable! I just do a monthly re-order now and always hit the free shipping. The most annoying thing was my music, which I believe they broke out into a separate payment thing anyway so it wouldn’t have prevented the annoyance unless I wanted to keep shelling out more and more. Glad to be off the treadmill. I don’t shop at WF very often, which is another way they get you.

    3. sagewhiz*

      Me too. Will not spend one dime. I do hope it creates at least a ripple but doubt there’ll be any positive outcome as a result.

      However, as Pete Seeger said long, long ago, we have to keep spooning sand into the basket and one day it will fill up.

    6. Turtle Dove*

      I plan not to shop, although I made lunch plans with friends for that day before I learned about the blackout. I don’t really mind spending $20 at a local restaurant (not a chain). But that’s all the money I’ll spend next Friday.

      I paused my Amazon Prime membership months ago and haven’t missed it. I do like Whole Foods for a few treats (like the big green olives with Sicilian herbs at the olive bar) but have cut way back on how often I go. I shopped there yesterday but felt dirty buying my three favorite items. They may be difficult to find elsewhere, but I’m going to.

    8. Super Commuter*

      I hadn’t heard about it until now. I was just looking at the website. How is gasoline not an essential item?

    9. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I am. I’m on the fence in general about economic boycotts — I tend to favor more targeted buying that pushes purchases away from big business to small and because my schools are funded by sales taxes so I am concerned about unintended consequences of low revenue long-term — but a day is absolutely no problem for me and I’m curious to see what kind of impact / traction it could have.

    10. Magdalena*

      Not in the US but used to buy a lot from Amazon (especially lots of ebooks) and am not any more. Not a dime for the past few weeks.
      For next Friday I’m also planning on ditching Google as a search engine.

    11. Yankees fans are awesome!*

      Yes, proudly!

      I’ve been meaning to cancel Prime, so may as well do so in conjunction with next Friday.

      (Also, I just purchased a “Gulf of Mexico” t-shirt, which I absolutely adore).

    12. allathian*

      That’s not a thing here, I don’t think. But we did decide to buy nothing on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday because unionized retail employees were on strike. Some stores restricted their opening hours but most were staffed by managers and non-unionized employees (students, etc.). We supported the strike by not buying anything.

      Not coincidentally, it was on the news earlier in the week that Finnish retailers are the most profitable in the world, so they could afford to pay their employees a bit more. The problem is that we have two large domestic retailers and one slightly smaller foreign one (Lidl), so there’s not enough competition to drive prices down.

  28. Plaidless*

    I am going to smack the next person who tells me to “Buy Local!” I spend my day off yesterday running all over town accomplishing nothing, because nobody stocks goods anymore. Lost one of my gloves; all the winter wear is already gone from big-box stores and department stores. Have to shop online. Need a replacement wick for my kerosene heater; nothing to be found at HD/Lowe’s/Ace/family-owned hardware stores. Have to shop online. The family-owned pet store stopped carrying limited-ingredient food for my cat with allergies. Have to shop online. And on, and on, and on.

    1. Cynthia*

      Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this recently, too. I live in a tourist destination with a lot of famous local culture, so I buy gifts locally and ship them to family/friends. I have to be mindful of the dimensions of the gifts because it’s so hard to track down an appropriate box for them, outside of a couple of limited sizes. Even finding the cardboard to build my own box is an effort. And then the cost of shipping…

    2. WellRed*

      I don’t disagree. I have a hard time finding my Zzzquil gummies at CVS or Target (let alone a true local store). No need to smack people.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I do struggle with this. A lot of times I feel a Big Box Store is hardly more “local” than shopping online, and it’s generally poorer staffed / confusing / doesn’t have the inventory. What I do is prioritize shopping at truly small local stores where I know the owner – like my local Ace, but not my local Home Depot. And even then, I tend to go to these local stores with the intention of browsing and buying something they have, not coming in with a specific item that’s going to be a pain to find and they might not have, when I can get the exact thing ordered in 60 seconds online.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I will say from my work in bookstores, what most independent stores will tell you is the most painful is for customers to come in and “browse” in their store – thus, getting the benefit of their hand-picked recommendations / curation / thoughtfulness / taste – but then order online to save a few bucks. I do think this is also an issue if you go “test out” items in a brick and mortar store but then do your actual purchase online. The benefit of testing it out in person will be lost when that store goes out of business because everyone does this. So those are two consumer behaviors I particularly try to avoid even in big box stores.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          This also goes for things like bath fixtures–people wanted a local store where they could see the merchandise and try it out and ask the salesperson lots of questions about the best choice…. and then bought the fixtures from an online retailer who had none of these expenses and so could charge less. Enough people apply this life hack and the local store closes.

          There is definitely a feedback loop in which I try four local grocery stores for my specialty food item before giving up and ordering it online, so whoever does have it I didn’t know to patronize and so they don’t perceive the local demand for it…

          1. carcinization*

            Also agreeing with this one. I finally ordered some fenugreek powder from Penzey’s last week because none of the grocery stores in my town carry it.

        2. Inky Fingers*

          Sloanicota, I’m with you on the bookstores! But I was the exact opposite until my local beloved indie closed: I’d browse online, then call the store to order books for me. Sure wish doing my little part had been enough to keep the doors open.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yes! I’ve done this with my local Ace. Found the more-expensive items I want online (lawnmower) and then asked them to order it for me so they get the sale. But, I understand most people can’t voluntarily spend extra money on necessities just to support a business, I mean, that’s a lot. And I’m pretty sure even the clerk told me I could get the same item cheaper online …

            1. Reba*

              Yeah, I think one thing about the depersonalization of online shopping is that like, they have it in inventory or they don’t, but many people may not realize that smaller store owners can order things and creatively problem solve with you, and find things that aren’t already on their shelves.

      2. Double A*

        There usually is a local portion of sales tax and also you’re spending money directly in your community so shopping local has benefits even at big box stores.

    4. Not That Kind of Doctor*

      Doesn’t help the day of, but if your pet supply place still stocks the same product line, just not that variety, they might be willing to order cases for you; mine does that.

    5. Shutterdoula*

      The biggest “Buy Local! Shop Small!” advocate in my circle is so annoying about it. She recently noticed I bought big planters for my front porch and said “I hope you went to (expensive local boutique nursery) for those!” I changed the subject. She brought it up again. I deflected. She flat out asked where I bought them. Then she lectured me about the evils of large corporations, big box stores, etc. Says buying from/using large corporations only enriches CEOs and doesn’t help “the common man.”
      Readers, her husband works for GE, she works for United Healthcare, her young adult son is an Amazon driver, and her teenage son works for Walmart.
      If she wasn’t family….she wouldn’t ever be in my home. So annoying and rude.

      1. RLC*

        Wow, a master class in how NOT to support small business, with a supplement of hypocrisy!
        I’m a huge advocate of shopping small and local and can’t imagine criticizing someone’s past purchases through that lens. I too would find her most annoying.

    6. Kay*

      You can always call ahead and ask if these places have things. If I’m looking for something specific I will do this to save me time. If they don’t have it, I have them order it for me.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      While it’s not strictly “buying local” I do find value in supporting small businesses when I do buy online. Buying directly from the producer rather than through Amazon, or if I find something I like on Amazon, seeing if the seller/merchant has their own website. Sometimes super niche stores survive because their online presence allows them to sell their items to a wider geographical audience.

    8. carcinization*

      Agreed. My husband was kicking himself this week… last weekend we were at an actual indoor mall (gasp!) in an adjoining city, and bought some practical items such as socks. This week was really cold for our area of the country and he wanted to wear his gloves, but couldn’t find them. So he was really mad at himself for not looking for gloves at the mall. I tried to explain that there almost certainly wouldn’t have been gloves anywhere at the mall, since it’s late February and all.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      This annoys the shit out of me. It was really an issue in my old Missouri town. Nobody ever had ANYTHING.

      I can say, I did have better luck finding little bits of hardware and stuff like that at the old downtown Ace than at Lowe’s most of the time. But the big box stores replaced many smaller places, and for such large footprints, they lack so much. Even Walmart has nothing anymore — and they’ve cheapened out on their stock. All the good brands they used to carry are gone now. The shoes are crap, the home goods are crap, and the Riders jeans don’t exist anymore. Those were the only jeans that truly fit me. :(

    10. Love me, love my cat*

      Oh, I hear you. Trying to make a few small upgrades to my home nearly cost me my last good brain cell.Try to find a nice set of kitchen curtain tiers locally. Ha! Slipcover for the sofa the pets love? Not happening. I could go on and on, too. It’s particularly upsetting, though, because I have steadfastly refused to NOT shop local. Guess I’ll have to look online for a little white flag to wave:(

    11. Emma*

      Instacart is sometimes a way to figure out which store has what locally. But sometimes there’s just nothing to be had.

    12. Alan*

      Yeah, to some extent it’s a cycle: people go online which means that the local stores stock less which means that people go online. For gloves in particular, probably because my hands are large, it’s real tough to find much locally. Gardening gloves at the local HD et al. not only don’t fit but the quality is poor as well. I found professional gloves online which fit well, and have lasted forever. In fact, a landscaper at our house wanted to know where I got them because they were nicer than his. I’ll continue to do a mix but I have wasted *lots* and lots of time driving around.

  29. Purple People Pleaser*

    My fellow people-pleasers, what do you do when you know you have let someone down and they’re mad at you? I tend to attract intense friendships and once you get above a certain number of friends, I get that “put on your own oxygen mask first” panic. Several of my friends are involved in activities that generates a fair amount of “come out to my event to support me, and if you don’t come it’s possible the crowd will be so small I’ll be devastated” type activities. I also have a lot of desperate mom-friends right now (I’m child-free) who really need me to pick up more of the rope, like always driving out to them and being supportive, and they don’t have a whole lot of energy to give me back, which I get. This week three people made requests of me that were tough. I agreed to one, attempted to negotiate a second one, and the third one I declined. I started a new j-0-b this week so I really did not have a lot of energy for my friends. The third person is now very upset with me and really wants to talk about why I couldn’t be there for them. I don’t really know what to say but I do sympathize that they feel let down and sad. I also wonder if I’m over-identifying as a recovering people pleaser and now just becoming kind of a jerk who doesn’t prioritize my friends when they need me …

    1. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      People pleaser with a caregiving job here. First, it’s great that you clearly care so much about your friends, wanting them to be ok, and wanting to show up for them well and compassionately! Second, it’s also great that you recognize that’s not necessarily possible to do that for everyone in the same way all the time (for emotional reasons and because of, like, time and physics). And that’s ok, and not a reflection on you as a person or a friend. It’s ok to let people feel disappointed. You weren’t able to be there for Friend 3 in the way they wanted. It’s ok (for you and for them) that they now feel upset and have to handle their emotions. If you do want to have that conversation with Friend 3, it sounds like you already know what to say! “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to be there. I understand that made you feel let down and sad. I care about you and (thing) a lot.” It sounds like you’ve done really good work and are handling this really well. Best of luck!

    2. Three from the circle*

      I don’t know that I would identify as a people-pleaser, but I do have a lot of friends who I try to show up for in various ways. And I guess what I’d say based on what you’ve shared is that a friend who is upset that you declined to do something during a week you started a new job is maybe not someone who needs to be a regular member of your circle? If you had, say, agreed to take them to a doctor’s appointment or something similar where you said yes and they were counting on you and then you backed out, sure, I could see that being an issue. But if this is “my friend wanted me at their gig and I was too tired so I told them I couldn’t go” or “my friend wanted me to come hang out with her kids at the playground so she could vent”…those friends should be able to understand that those are not always going to be priority activities for you, especially during a big week for you. And if they don’t get it — and instead of being disappointed but getting over it, they make you feel bad about it… I don’t think those are friends I’d want to have.

      Declining a social invitation doesn’t make you a jerk! Getting mad at someone for declining a social invitation does.

      1. Purple People Pleaser*

        Well, I mean, I do get it – from my perspective, three people all needed something for me in the same tough week and I couldn’t do it. But from my third friend’s perspective, this is the only thing he’s asked me for this month and I couldn’t do it. It’s not really his fault, or on his radar, that a lot of other people are also needy right now. However, I also don’t think explaining this is going to really make him feel any better. He wanted to feel prioritized, and I … didn’t prioritize him.

        1. WellRed*

          It’s not your job to make him feel better. I’m assuming you didn’t skip his mothers funeral or something.

        2. Kay*

          Just because someone needs/wants something from you doesn’t mean it is your responsibility to provide that. If you never are there for your friends but they are always there for you – different thing, but this clearly isn’t what is going on.

          It doesn’t matter if the reason you can’t give people what they want is that you need to wash your hair, don’t feel like it, are too tired, have a funeral to go to, are stuck in the hospital, you have to work, etc.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          Well, frankly, I want a million dollars and a pony but I’ve learned to live with disappointment. He can too.

          It’s certainly fine for him to feel bad that you couldn’t prioritize him. It’s not okay for him to monopolize your time in some kind of TED talk about how you Weren’t There For Him.

        4. Shutterdoula*

          So lemme get this straight. A man, asked you, a woman, to do something for him to “make him feel prioritized” (even though he’s not a partner to you, just a friend) and he’s mad you didn’t place him above all others? Including your own needs?
          How entitled of that dude!
          “Not on his radar” means exactly the same thing as “didn’t bother to consider YOU and your life when making a demand.” And this 100% was a demand, not just an invitation.
          Honestly, you may want to talk with a therapist about why you tend to attract these kinds of “intense” friends and why you struggle with pleasing them.
          You don’t need to prioritize everyone who wants to be prioritized.
          Cut this dude off.

        5. Cordelia*

          He wanted to feel prioritised. That doesn’t therefore mean you have to prioritise him, you get to choose your priorities. And it should be “on his radar” that you might have other things going on – the fact that it isn’t reflects poorly on him, not you.

    3. Overeducated*

      whoa, this feels like a lot! As I and more of my friends have had kids, and moved to widely separated parts of our sprawling metro area for various work/school/family needs, none of my friendships really look like this (“show up for me NOW, when and how I ask you”) anymore. Everything tends to need planning weeks out, even with more local friends. Just feels like friendships in the 30s and beyond have to have a slower rhythm since people’s lives feel more complex and demanding.

      This is my way of saying that it doesn’t sound like your friends’ expectations are sustainable for you and them, and maybe the answer is consciously trying to slow stuff down. Not “I don’t prioritize being there for you,” but “I’m personally at capacity and can’t do stuff as often, can you tell me about your most important events coming up in the next few months and I’ll try to make it to one?” or “I know logistics are really hard with kids, I can’t come out your way this weekend though, maybe we could get together next month if there’s a better weekend to meet in X location?” It’s also perfectly normal to say work is a lot and you can’t do social stuff on weeknights right now. Just slow it down, reset expectations.

    4. WellRed*

      To the third so called friend: “I started a new job this week and I’m exhausted. I’m disappointed you can’t support me in that.” I’m curious what happen with second friend. How did the negotiations go?

      1. Purple People Pleaser*

        I had offered to drive out to see the second person last weekend. They couldn’t do that, and countered with a request that I come out this weekend instead, which didn’t work nearly as well for me. It’s a long trip to do in one day, four hours round trip, so I suggested a different future date, and they agreed but so far we haven’t scheduled it. But at least I didn’t give up a whole weekend day last minute when I really don’t have the energy. And they don’t seem hurt or mad, although I worried I had hurt their feelings by not agreeing to come. That was mostly in my head I think.

    5. Generic Name*

      I am sorry to tell you that not even the “best” people pleasers can keep everyone happy all of the time. It’s literally impossible. Also, I’m curious how these friends of yours show up for you when you need it. You said that you have a maximum number of friends you can have at a time because supporting them all becomes overwhelming. These people don’t sound much like friends to me; they sound like users. I think the number of friends a person can have is unlimited because to me friendship is about giving AND receiving support.

      Part of recovering from being a people pleaser is learning to sit with the discomfort of other people’s negative emotions. You are not a jerk because you are wisely reserving your energy for a new job. Ideally your friend could be disappointed you can’t be at their event while also understanding and supporting your next step in your career. If they are only focusing on their event and their feelings and blaming you, I’d take a hard look at what kind of friend they are.

      1. Purple People Pleaser*

        Lol, in classic People Pleasing mode, I avoid imposing on my friends as much as humanly possible. But, they do support me emotionally via text conversations by giving me their attention (and I try to do the same for them).

        1. Purple People Pleaser*

          Part of my struggle, I think, is separating: is it okay for my friend to feel hurt/disappointed that I wasn’t there? Yes, a feeling is always okay, and they’re allowed to feel how they feel. It doesn’t even necessarily mean I did anything wrong. Is it okay that they told me they were hurt/sad? Yes, that’s okay, because we are friends and they’re allowed to express how they feel, even though it may be hard for me to hear or know respond. But at some point, it will tip into guilt-tripping me or acting entitled of my time, or acting like it’s my job to fix their feelings – and that will be the point where it becomes not okay. I think? But is asking for an apology okay, I don’t know. Should I just give them one if it makes them feel better even though I think I’m within my rights not to have gone? Can I make it clear that I’m often not going to be able to come to their events and they need to live with that, versus “I’m sorry I didn’t prioritize you, you’re right and I won’t do that again, next time I’ll definitely come.” I don’t know where other people learn these things haha. I feel like any time I try to set a boundary it just comes across as selfish and mean.

          1. Kay*

            Oh gawd no do not apologize!!!! That is way out of line and it is out of line to ask for one! You can say that you are sorry you couldn’t be there or I wish I could have been there, but that is really a social nicety not a “you are right, you hold the rights to my time not me, how dare I take time to do the things I need!?” kind of thing.

            The thing is – you shouldn’t have to make it clear that you won’t be able to come to these events all the time because it is UNREASONABLE for someone to expect this of you.

            1. Purple People Pleaser*

              Well, I think most commenters are thinking of their casual NBD friends … and in our society, perhaps most people are married / only have maybe ONE best friend or sibling they really feel much mutual obligation to; most people’s energy is probably going into their kids. But I’m in a group where friendships are really important to us, most of us aren’t married / are doing found families, more so than perhaps to the average person. So I understand being onstage at an event and feeling sad “your person” isn’t there for you. It would probably like a spouse skipping what felt to you like a meaningful event.

              1. Purple People Pleaser*

                That probably came out wrong, I really don’t think of this person in a spouse-like role, and I wouldn’t want them to think of me that way either. But it is an intense friendship, I’d say. Actually this is making me realize part of the reason I’m uncomfortable might be because I wish this friendship was a little less intense.

                We’re all artist and musicians in a big city, and a lot of us are LGTBQ+, which is part of it for sure. A lot of sensitive, high strung, dramatic people … myself included.

              2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

                Are they apologizing for criticizing you for not being available, or for pushing you to do a lot on a week when you just started the new job and were helping someone else from that circle?

                If feelings are always OK, it’s okay for you to be upset too. I’ll bet that friends 1, 2, and 3 weren’t available for each other’s problems this week either. If it’s okay for person 1 not to be available because of their own stuff, it’s OK for you not to be available to someone else because you’re helping the first person.

              3. Lizard the Second*

                The problem is, as you realised, it’s impossible to devote the same time and energy you would to your spouse, to multiple friends. It’s stretching you way too thin, because you’re one person.

                Do each of your friends realise that they’re not the only one asking you for things?

              4. Shutterdoula*

                No, I’m not thinking of casual NBD friends. Don’t assume that advice can be dismissed because you’re assuming our friendships are not as “important” to us as yours are to you. That’s pretty telling of why you’re struggling, honestly.
                The closer/stronger a friendship is, the MORE understanding and less demanding those friendships are.
                You cannot treat an entire friend group as spouse level. That’s not sustainable. You’re making excuses for people who are not treating YOU with the level of kindness and support that should be in a close, important friendship! Stop making excuses for them. Start expecting the kind of support and understanding you give.

              5. Kay*

                To clarify – no, most commenters aren’t thinking of their casual friends (from what I can tell) because most of the commenters here are trying to show you what healthy relationships look like. It doesn’t matter how close you are, or how many people you are super close to, it matters that everyone respects everyone else. Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, allow everyone to ask for what they need, and everyone understands we can’t all get what we want from others all the time. I mean – my spouse can’t even be at all the things I would like, my best friend couldn’t be at my wedding (nor could a few other close friends), and much as I would have liked things to be different we are all okay because we understand… life! None of us guilt trip each other over these things because we all know that we do our best for each other. Am I bummed, sure, but those are my emotions to deal with.
                This guy can feel sad about you not being there but an apology that you didn’t prioritize him!? I hate to say this, but this isn’t a healthy relationship and I think deep down you know this.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            I would guess it “comes” from your entire life and most probably your childhood, but that is definitely a therapy issue.

            Boundaries are not mean (unless they are capricious or constantly moving, in which case the person isn’t setting a boundary but messing with your head.) But they are for you, not others, so other people don’t take them well, a lot of the time.

            I highly recommend Captain Awkward’s site; she writes a lot about this subject and how boundaries function. The thing to keep in mind? FEELING good and doing the best thing are often not the same.

          3. Ellis Bell*

            I think it’s more than a little entitled, honestly. You know that yourself, as someone who doesn’t impose on others. You would never handwave away someone else’s limits. Like if he’s an otherwise good friend and he’s just having a bad week then I’d forgive him, but I would probably first underscore the boundary he’s trying to jump over. I really like WellRed’s wording. Other things I would say is “You can ask me literally anything, as often as you want, but you have to accept the real answer. If you’re going to pout whenever I say no, then I have to conclude thar these aren’t requests, they’re demands and I can’t – won’t – have that in what I consider to be friendship” He’s upset? YOU should be upset. He’s ignoring your life situation and being a jerk. You say that he doesn’t have the radar to know what’s going on in your life, but he doesn’t need a radar for someone else’s life! He just needs to ask a genuine question and accept the genuine answer. You have the radar, only you know what you can do.

        2. nnn*

          Wait, you support them with four hour drives and they support you via…text conversations? And then you have to be lectured for not having endless time the week you started a new job?

          The issue isn’t that these are closer friendships than other people have, the issue is that you let people trample boundaries that most other people have, and you’re too susceptible to guilt. If you’re attracting lots of people like that into your life, I would really reconsider your framing of “we’re just closer than other people.” What you’re describing isn’t something good for you and it’s not about closeness, it’s about manipulation.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      They don’t seem to mind demanding time from you not only for the original thing but a big rehash of how you disappointed them! I would not be up for that even if I didn’t have a big stressor like a new job going on!

      You are NOT a jerk for having limited energy and not being able to be Glinda the Good at all times. I would frankly rethink my pros/cons in my relationship with that third person.

    7. crookedglasses*

      Lots of good insight already that I won’t reiterate!

      Something that I’ve gradually realized over time is that my tendencies toward taking on the extra care/labor/effort to protect others’ feelings was a bit of a vote of no confidence in those friends’ own emotional maturity and ability to manage their own feelings. I think this is one of those cases where good boundaries beget friends with good boundaries. It was definitely startling for me to realize that some of my own people pleasing tendencies resulted from a somewhat patronizing view of others. In some cases that was probably warranted and in others it wasn’t, but always doing my homework*and* theirs meant that I never even gave folks a chance to demonstrate their own emotional maturity or capability to show up for me like I showed up for them.

      1. Purple People Pleaser*

        Yeah, I think I was getting there … but then something like this happens, when a dear friend is legit hurt and angry, and now I have to figure out how to navigate all these feelings! (his and mine). They don’t exactly tell you this in the spiel about how it’s good and healthy to set boundaries.

        1. crookedglasses*

          Heh, they sure don’t! One of the commenters below said, “So if you’ve been contorting yourself to always do whatever your friends want, there’s going to be negative backlash when you stop doing that. This is OK! Get comfortable with some of these friendships downgrading as it is a very normal part of life for friendships to change in closeness.” and I think that is very true.

          I used to follow someone using the handle @mightyfeels who you can probably still find on YouTube. I learned a TON about healthy boundaries and mutually kind and compassionate relationships from them and from what you’ve shared here I I think you might also find them helpful. Good luck!

        2. Indolent Libertine*

          I don’t want to pile on here, but based on your post and follow up comments, NO it is not “legit” that this person is hurt and angry. That’s a way over the top reaction for him to be having. He can feel disappointed because he would have liked to have X from you and couldn’t have it, but he’s not entitled to take that out on you as anger or as anything requiring “processing” together. Your needs and his didn’t match, and when they didn’t you prioritized keeping your own oxygen mask on. That’s an entirely fair decision for you to have made, regardless of what else you did for whom in any particular time frame. He’s not a good friend if he’s guilt tripping you like “but, but you did something for someone else this week without doing what I wanted from you, so that means you weren’t prioritizing me appropriately and therefore you’re a big meanie poo-poo-head.”

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I think sometimes you also train people to be helpless. Resetting expectations takes time all round.

    8. allx*

      I have been studying this very thing for the last two days. What I’ve read is that it is most commonly associated with childhood experiences and conditioning. As I understand it, there are 7 “F” responses in human behavior in the face of stressors/demands/threats/dangers. The one that “people pleasing” falls into is Fawning Response. (The others are flock, flight, fight, freeze, flood and flop.)

      Fawning is a fear response that tries to assure one’s safety by appeasing others, either to avoid conflict or to gain approval, often at the expense of one’s own needs. One idea is that fawners try to establish their worthiness/value by keeping other people happy and “in appreciation” of them, i.e., a fawner’s value is only found in their helpfulness or caretaking.

      Like all activated defenses, it can become habituated, and a people pleaser can end up chronically fawning with everyone, not just in threat/stress situations. Thus, it is frequently viewed as a personality trait, but it isn’t. It’s a coping strategy that the fawner’s nervous system defaults to in order to make them feel safe. It has the exact same emotional foundation as the other 6 stress/fear responses: fundamental fear and the instinct to protect the self.

      Fawning is meant to neutralize danger, but it causes the person to abandon their own needs and so reinforces their wounds. It is essentially conflict avoidance. Fawners disconnect from their own emotions and needs to avoid potential rejection/neglect/cruelty/conflict. Halmarks of fawning include trouble with setting personal boundaries, stifling own needs, fixing or rescuing people from their problems, and guilt over not helping/doing enough, so it is no surprise as a self-described people pleaser that these are issues you are having with your friends.

      There are specific therapies that are said to help, like innner child work, trauma-based therapy, EMDR and something called Accelerated Resolution Therapy for calming and healing the nervous system. Self-help strategies are centered around self-validation and self-worth work, in particular (1) noticing the response patterns, (2) exploring where they might come from, (3) finding alternate ways to respond, (4) shoring up emotional regulation skills like grounding, breathing, meditation; and (5) building social connections that offer reciprocal emotional security and belonging.

      OP, you sound lilke you’ve done work around this already and are starting to recognize and honor your own needs. The main thing to remember is that you are no longer a defenseless child dependent on securing the good graces of others for survival. The defenses no longer serve you, as you can take actual care of yourself. Good luck to you in coming into your own.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        Thanks for this great information. I recognize a lot of that in myself, although I think I’ve mostly recovered. It helps to be pushing 70; I truly have fewer effs to give when people — even loved ones — don’t respect my “no.” It matters most that *I* respect it. I practice keeping my cool as I keep my resolve, and guilt trips no longer work (mostly! that’s a tough one).

        Purple, please check out Hailey Magee on YouTube. She’ll help you learn to respect your own limits, even when others don’t.

    9. Qwerty*

      While I’m not a people pleaser, I’m successful at pleasing people so maybe I can help?

      1) For starters, we train people in how to treat us and what their expectations are of us. So if you’ve been contorting yourself to always do whatever your friends want, there’s going to be negative backlash when you stop doing that. This is OK! Get comfortable with some of these friendships downgrading as it is a very normal part of life for friendships to change in closeness. It might be helpful to look into criticisms of AI and technology and the helplessness that people are developing – I find there’s a parallel to people being overly dependent on Siri for facts / figuring stuff out.

      2) It’s ok to be jerk for a while. You are recalibrating yourself, which means sometimes you won’t be available when a friend normally would make time. But it is going to take distance and hindsight to differentiate the two. So put yourself first for a while!!! Everybody gets a jerk phase, most people generally do it in their teens or early twenties.

      3) Either you are overestimating how much your friends need you or you have too many needy friends. If someone’s event is a disappointment because the crowd is too small, then they need to work on their event skills rather than padding the numbers with their friends. Becoming a parent means having less time for other adults – it is normal for those friendships to decrease and then bounce back when the kids are older. Try some phone calls instead of rearranging your life for visits.

      4) Are you the bestie for too many people? There have been studies on how many friends we can have. The super close friends is very small and each tier gets bigger. Friendships take effort and the more people you put in the super close category, the less time you have for each of them.

      5) Good friends understand that sometimes you are going through it too. Starting a new job is stressful and a time people normally need support. Usually the response from friends is “lets meet up so you can tell me how it’s going” not “how dare you not be available for my emergency”

      6) I have not seen or talked to my best friend in over a year despite him living 2miles down the road. We used to hang out daily when we were coworkers and weekly after that. Then he founded a company and the visits and texts decreased. Notice how I am using current tense to talk about this friendship! What he needed was to completely focus on work and pulled back from everyone – my job as his friend was to minimize how guilty he felt and help maximize what free time was available for his girlfriend. If I can give him a year, surely your friends can give you a week or two for your new job!

      I’m really questioning this last person who wants to talk about why you couldn’t be there for them. Like…this just kinda sounds like a manager asking you why you aren’t doing your job? It is totally valid to say to someone you care for that they need more than you are able to provide at the moment.

  30. Cat lady*

    Any last ditch tips on integrating a second cat (kitten) into the household? Our existing Lady of the House does not like the friend we adopted for her. It’s been over a month of painstaking slow integration attempts following all the tips from our vet/Jackson Galaxy/everything we can think of. She is not having it and continues to be aggressive toward the kitten. Are we doomed?

    1. Sloanicota*

      You’ve tried the feliway, then, I assume? I have actually not used it myself but some of my foster buddies swear it really works. Do you have enough space for them to basically live separate lives? We had an Upstairs Cat and a Downstairs Cat for a while. If that’s an option, it will take the pressure off and could ultimately end in detant when the kitties don’t feel as pressed. How playful is the new kitten? Is it getting a lot of playtime with you to meet those needs, if adult cat is Not Having It?

      1. Sloanicota*

        I will add that kittens, bless their hearts, are truly obnoxious for several months but they do settle down … if you don’t feel pressure for these cats to get along, it’s possible the elder cat would be more accepting of the calmer adult form of your kitten. I just took in a foster fail and the pattern was 2 weeks – 2 months adorable, 2 months to about 8 months obnoxious, and now notable increases in calmness as we approach the one year mark (but other kittens can continue to be flighty for up to 2 years, particularly larger breeds of cat apparently). However, if you truly got the second cat as a friend for your first cat, that may not be satisfactory to you.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Amen. Baby animals are tiny jerks. Kittens especially are like coked up toddlers with razor blades taped to all their fingers and toes. But this too shall pass.

    2. sswj*

      I’m sorry to say that full integration can take many months. The tiny newborns and their mom that I found last March have only been really accepted by the herd in the last couple of months. There are still hiss-fests and some minor aggression antics, but I finally have a pretty polite crew. If you can stand it, and if you can ratchet back some of the interaction and make sure your senior girl has her peaceful moments, I’d give things a couple more months at least.

    3. Cat Savvy*

      Sometimes it really is impossible to come back from a situation where a resident cat is being aggressive to the newcomer. Generally, what people see as “painstakingly slow” has actually been too fast for the cat. You could try starting over, where you put the kitten back into a closed room, let things calm down, then start from the beginning with scent swapping. But expect to have the kitten segregated for weeks or months, with no guarantee it will work the second time.

      1. Cat lady*

        He’s been kept separate in a closed room the whole time, with supervised interaction at various levels (scent swap, dinner on either side of a closed door/baby gate, play on opposite sides of the baby gate, visits to the rest of the house in his carrier so cat #1 can set the comfortable distance, etc, etc.). She goes out of her way to come up and yowl/swat him :(

        1. Cat lady*

          I feel like I’m going nuts because I have so many friends with multiple cats who integrated very quickly. I feel like a jerk because I don’t know if several more months of this is sustainable for any of us (cats or humans).

          1. Cat Savvy*

            What was your goal when you adopted the kitten? What are the outcomes you’re willing to live with?

            Is there a point at which your adult cat does not react to the kitten? Like is she fine with him in his room, or does she lash out at the door?

            Some cats just do not like other cats. The cat I inherited from my neighbor is zoned separately from the others. She can’t even *see* them without having a fit. It’s doable for us with the space we have, but it’s not necessarily a solution for every household.

            1. Cat lady*

              She spends a good amount of time meowing at his door and staking it out. She sometimes seems more chill about it, but other times not. We really got the kitten bc Cat 1 was showing signs of loneliness/boredom and our vet recommended a friend for her. I don’t think it’s fair to either cat if they only ever barely tolerate each other. I’d like to not have to worry about them getting hurt or overly stressed/territorial.

        2. tangerineRose*

          Does she try to hurt him, or does it seem more like she’s enforcing her authority or something like that?

          When I had an older cat and a younger cat, I ended up getting another younger cat so the 2 young kitties could play. It worked, but it might not work every time.

          1. Cat lady*

            I can’t totally tell. She seems angry/upset when she lashes out rather than exasperated/annoyed. She will go out of her way to go up and swat him, even if he is crated. But she’s not biting or really pouncing.

  31. 653-CXK*

    For those of you who are doing their taxes – what is the best 100% free tax filing program for someone who’s retired (has mostly 1099s)?

    My mother (retired) usually has someone else do it, but they haven’t gotten back to her yet. She will file her taxes free through the state, but as I was looking at the IRS free file site, there are things she can’t do until March 2025 as she receives distributions through her 403b and other things like annuities. She will be having an operation mid-March, so she wants to get the taxes out of the way.

    I usually do my own taxes (done, filed and paid :-)), but this year when I did TaxAct, what was supposed to be a free file for the Feds ended up being $29 on top my state filing of $39. Needless to say, next year I will likely use the free program

    1. Sloanicota*

      I’ve used FreeTaxUSA for several years now. The state taxes aren’t free, but they’re pretty cheap. And they let me include some more complicated forms that I think exclude me from the “free” federal versions of other tax software, like DIVs.

      1. BlueWolf*

        Same, I’ve used FreeTaxUSA several times in the past, although my taxes are fairly straightforward, so I can’t vouch for more complicated tax situations.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Mine were pretty complicated – I had W2 jobs and 1099 jobs in the same year, I itemize, I had business expenses and investment income – and FTUSA was good for all of it. Granted, there are more complicated scenarios than mine. But I think one year I tried H&R Block (or the other one)’s free service and they immediately booted me out when I tried to file some of that paperwork, saying I’d need to use the paid version. That said, I believe it changes all the time. Every year the rules are different.

      2. 653-CXK*

        I took a look at that and it looks promising! I will discuss with her and see what she thinks. (I might use it next year because the state is only $14.99.)

      3. Elizabeth West*

        This is my go-to. I did not use them last time because I had to file in two different states (I used my mom’s guy), but now I’ve spent an entire tax year in Massachusetts (Taxachusetts, haha), so it shouldn’t be an issue.

      4. Emma*

        I’ve also heard good things about FreeTaxUSA, but no personal experience. I will likely try them next year.

      5. Clisby*

        My son just did this for the first time, and it was really easy. $15 to file the state return is nothing.

    2. MagicEyes*

      I’ve used H&R Block online, which is free under certain conditions and easy to use. I did have a little problem with it not letting me take a deduction for student loan interest, so I do it on paper before I submit it to make sure I’m not missing anything.

    3. Llellayena*

      If she can’t file until March in free file due to late disbursements, how will she be able to file elsewhere? Won’t you need the same info? (Not tax savvy, truly asking) You might want to file for an extension and then do the taxes after the surgery and recovery so you can use free file.

      1. 653-CXK*

        No, she has all of the documents and wants to file as soon as possible before her surgery. I’ll direct her to the FreeTaxUSA website and see what she thinks – it may be much less complicated.

    4. Sunflower*

      Check your state website. Some states work with different websites to free file if your income is low enough to.

      I used CashApp to do my federal taxes for free last year. No complaints.

    6. 653-CXK*

      Good news, all – our friend will be doing our taxes after all. Thank you all for your suggestions, and I will likely do FreeTaxUSA next year.

    7. ronda*

      I volunteer for AARP Tax Aide in my local community, we do people’s taxes for free as long as their info is within scope for our program, no age or income limitations (I did find out that if you had a bankruptcy, you are out of scope for us)

      you can find out if there is a location near you by searching AARP tax aide locator
      You have to call and make an appointment and they will do your taxes if you have all your documents.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Same. I’ve used OLT for my mom in her 90s and I find it easy. They also have an inexpensive upgrade for phone support. I did that when I ran into a snag one year and they ended up solving the problem and resulting in a refund.

    10. FrontlinER*

      My husband, a CPA himself, uses FreeTax USA for ours. He does Robinhood so our taxes are slightly more complicated and it handles them fine.

  32. MagicEyes*

    Does anyone have any advice for dealing with a disability that might make me unable to work? I’ve been dealing with extreme fatigue for two years. I’ve still been able to work, but about a year ago I went on FMLA and I’ve been working three days a week. The fatigue is getting worse and I don’t think I’m going to be able to work even three days a week.

    I’ve seen multiple specialists and haven’t found a reason for the fatigue, so it doesn’t look like I’m going to find a treatment that works any time soon. I may be able to go on disability for a while at work, but I don’t know how long that lasts. If I end up not be able to work, if I can qualify for government disability (US), that’s not going to pay enough for me to keep living in the same place. I’d like to know how other people have dealt with this.

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I began having severe fatigue after a COVID infection in 2022 and it had progressed from Long COVID to ME/CFS. It’s all very scary. Capitalism does not have a lot of room for disability.

      One of the most helpful resources I found when I started to apply for work accommodations, FMLA, and eventually long-term disability (which they denied, of course) was the site howtogeton DOT wordpress DOT com. It’s an amazing clearinghouse of advice and testimonials. Sadly, the woman who created it died a few years ago, but some members of her community are trying to keep the site active.

      Good luck. I hope you find some relief and peace of mind.

    2. Pickles*

      Just be aware that qualifying for social security disability is difficult and a multi year process usually
      Hugs

      1. StudentA*

        I’ve heard of this, but what about people who suddenly become disabled? Say, they get a form of cancer and are no longer able to work even part-time?

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Hopefully they had long term disability insurance before it happened. Otherwise, they have a very difficult time.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              Well, yes obviously it’s a hard situation all around, but I meant with specific regard to the “SSDI takes years” bit that was being asked about. If you have LTDI, that is generally helpful way sooner.

      2. Miss Buttons*

        I agree qualifying for social security can be difficult, but don’t give up on the first try. Sounds like you have a good case for it. It took my sister three tries over several years but she finally got it. She has chronic fatigue exacerbated by late- diagnosed Lyme disease. I won’t go headlong into that since we’re not supposed to get into medical advice, but I hope you’ve had a thorough Lyme disease workup. It can be hard to diagnose, especially by a PCP.

    3. Tea & Sympathy*

      The book The Long Covid Survival Guide by Fiona Lowenstein had a chapter on applying for disability, other resources and practical advice. I don’t remember exactly, but I think it might be helpful in general, not just specific to Covid.

    4. is the math right ?*

      post this again on the Friday thread as well for workplace tips. sorry you are going through this – it sucks.

  33. Ginger Family Med NP*

    Hit the “surprise me” button this morning and was delighted to find myself randomly assigned “cheap ass rolls” of which I had heard legend but had never encountered myself. Absolutely unhinged. Delightful.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        Mine are the former preschool teacher who was annoyingly cheerful and hadn’t quite figured out that you don’t treat your adult coworkers like they’re preschoolers, the coworker who thought it would be okay to hold down another coworker and tickle her feet, the coworker who insisted that all her coworkers call her boyfriend her “master,” and probably a few more that I’m forgetting.

  34. Purple Stapler*

    Who else is hoarding cash, cancelling vacations, etc.? I’m just staying home these days besides work and church on the weekends. About the only thing I buy besides the necessities is a few books, and only when I can’t find them out of the library. I might do a regional long weekend away this summer, but that’s about. Work is OK and I’m paid pretty decently, but I just have a sinking feeling in my stomach these days.

      1. WestsideStory*

        I feel ya. I’m in NYC, which is starting to feel like Paris under a Vichy government. I’m reading up on WW2 resistance movements – no point in waiting till the brown shirts arrive.
        My strategy so far is building community networks to find out who will be neededinh support and what kind.

    2. MissB*

      me.

      Though to be fair, I’m getting knee surgery next week, so I’m already prepping to be down for about 6 weeks or so (or at least not driving anywhere). I’ve been hunkering down since November. I’ve cancelled a lot of the fun things like my entertainment subscriptions. I’m prepping for a bigger garden this spring (already have 20 varieties of peppers started and I’m seeding the 14 varieties of tomatoes today).

      The upheaval rate is ridiculously high at the moment.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      I feel cautious. I don’t feel like shopping and will treasure hunt in the mountains of clothes in my closet. I don’t feel like traveling either. I like AbeBooks for used books when I can’t find what I want at my library or their inter-library system.

      1. WellRed*

        This is where I’m at, mostly. I do plan on canceling Aprime in protest but it will also save me from some frivolous spending.

        1. MissB*

          I did that in early January (while cancelling things like Hulu and Netflix etc).

          It’s been an easy adjustment frankly. I don’t even miss it.

          Take the plunge!

        2. Purple Stapler*

          I switched over to grocery delivery with Walmart+ subscription last fall. Usual $100 year and I got it for $50. I’m in no mood to deal with the grocery store and delivery just makes it so much better. I’m saving a lot as there’s no impulse purchases. I can pretty much get anything I would get from Amazon through Walmart store delivery or with free shipping from their site. I never used Prime Video. Just the delivery. Prime membership expires next month and I’m not renewing.

        3. Turtle Dove*

          I did that too! Well, I paused my Amazon Prime account and no longer pay a dime. I’ll outright cancel after I take note of all the movies I bookmarked to watch one day. I haven’t missed it a bit. I’ve had a separate subscription to Acorn TV for many years, and I watch that a lot. I also watch a lot on YouTube (free) and occasionally Kanopy (free through my library).

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The thing that’s keeping me from doing it is the possibility that Mike Flanagan might be doing a Dark Tower series on Scamazon. However, if I can simply purchase it, I might just do that instead.

            Once my third book is done, I’m going to find another distributor, though.

    4. Aphrodite*

      I would also use the word “cautious” when describing my financial spending these days. I don’t feel deprived at all. Shopping is just not something in which I am interested. I used to like to visit a local thrift store once a week but I haven’t been in a couple of years, mostly because I just can’t be bothered to move that quick on a Saturday morning. And I am happy and satisfied with what I have anyway.

      Covid stopped a lot of activities for me and I probably haven’t resumed most of them. Travel no longer interests me. With the exception of an In-&-Out burger once every month or two I do not eat out. And given the prices and the sneaky charges many restaurants here quietly adding I am not interested. I love being able to “spend” on my savings; it gives me greater satisfaction than buying some doodad. I have books from years ago I still haven’t read. If a new one comes along, it’s the library for me. I do very little unnecessary driving.

      What I did add from not eating out, traveling or other former expenses are two things that I absolutely love: a housecleaner once a week and a gardener who keeps all weeds under control once a month. I have reached the age where those former (and formerly ridiculous) things have gone from luxuries to necessities. I am happy to spend those because they give me immense joy. That and the savings increasaes every month make me genuinely happy.

    5. Generic Name*

      No. I have a summer trip planned to see a national park, and I am concerned that the park may be closed or services severely truncated, but I’m watching and waiting.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Fall trip to a famous NP has been mostly planned but now I’m advising the friends going with me that maybe we should wait to spend on tours etc unless they are fully refundable.

    6. Josephine Beth*

      We have definitely cut way back on spending, cancelled some subscriptions, etc. But we are still planning a trip to see family in the spring, and a smaller vacation in the fall.

      I’ve been consumed with anxiety – my job is potentially at risk, and my child is absolutely at risk should Medicaid cuts go through. In the face of that…we are choosing to live. Because if SHTF in any big way, we won’t survive it and I’m not going into hiding while we wait for that. (I realize that’s a somewhat privileged position to take, and I absolutely don’t think it’s the perspective others should have, just what feels right for our family in this current situation)

    7. Meow*

      I’m not hoarding per se, I just grew up poor so I expect I will be dead next month without putting everything I have in liquid saving. Which by the way, given my current situation it’s very very irrational.

    8. dapfloodle*

      Other parts of my life are too complicated and stressful for me to go all in on this right now, but I’m definitely going to go back to keeping canned goods a bit more stocked in the pantry like I did during the early COVID times.

      1. Purple Stapler*

        Thanks for the reminder to stock up a bit more! I did that today via a Walmart delivery order.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’m not flying anywhere, that’s for sure. I did get a ticket to go see Trae Crowder (The Liberal Redneck) at The Wilbur in March. Because laughing at fascists hurts them. >:)

      My go-bag is good, I have some dried milk in case cows all drop dead, and a little bit of cash hidden away.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yes, that’s why — I don’t know if they’d die but you can’t drink the milk if it has bird flu in it!

      4. Purple Stapler*

        I tend to be cashless (Apple Pay and the like), but it’s good to keep a bit of cash on hand.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Same; I usually try to have a $20 bill in my wallet but I end up using it to get laundry quarters. -_-

          *manifesting having a house with a laundry roooooooooom*

    10. Hinterlands*

      Canadian here, and I am definitely dialing things back! For the time being I’m comfortable, financially and otherwise, but the writing definitely seems to be on the wall.

    11. Magdalena*

      I stopped buying from Amazon completely since the beginning of the year. I canceled a kiddie science box subscription for two kids that I’ve paid for for more than ten years. Canceled one magazine subscription.
      Switched to ebooks dot com for my ebook purchases.
      Skipped a professional conference I used to go to every year.
      Stepped up my donations to a few relevant charities.

    12. Imtheone*

      I signed up for a local CSA, so at least we’ll have local produce this summer.

      Thinking about canceling Amazon prime. My daughter uses it, though, and she doesn’t have a car. Sometimes the delivery service is very helpful for her.

      I’m thinking about joining Costco since they are keeping up their DEI initiatives.

      For groceries, my local grocery store offers free shop and pick up. Of course, they are owned by a bigger company.

      My husband has a camping trip planned to a National Park this summer. His group has permits, and will be mostly independent. I hope the lack of staffing won’t be an issue.

  35. Turtle Dove*

    Does anyone cure olives at home? I fell hard for Stew Leonard’s Mt. Athos Sicilian With Herb Olives on a trip east. The closest thing I’ve found where I live is green olives with Sicilian herbs at the Whole Foods olive bar. I’d like to make them at home if I can figure out how. Do people buy flavoring packets or various raw ingredients (mustard seeds, dried garlic, etc.)? Where do you find the green olives? Thanks.

    1. Red Sky*

      Your question just unlocked a very old core memory! When I was very little we lived on a street lined with a few olive trees. Every year we would pick the olives (vague memory of it being around Halloween), dry cure them in salt and store in the attic, or maybe it was the basement. My mom liked to forage and added things growing locally, like rosemary and pink peppercorns, to the salt while curing.

      If you live in a climate conducive to olive growing check your farmers market, if not you can order online. Keep in mind olive harvesting is seasonal, generally between Oct-Jan (per the internet) so fresh raw olives will only be available at certain times.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        Thank you for sharing that, Red Sky! I’m delighted that my question brought back a lovely childhood memory.

        I’ll poke around online for recipes, spice blends, and olives. If ingredients aren’t expensive, I can experiment until I like the flavor.

    2. Undine Spragg*

      You can marinate already brined olives, which seems to me a lower bar for entry (unless you live in an olive growing area, where you might be able to get them cheaper). I would start with Mount Athos olives, since you know you like those (jarred ones seem to be available online, they also seem to be called Halkidiki olives), and try different marinades.

      As for growing them, it takes at least three years before they produce fruit, depending on the variety, and there’s a lot of variation in olives so you you really want to get the type that is right for your climate and for you. Also, aren’t they fairly messy? I wouldn’t jump into growing a tree until you know this is something you want.

      1. Kay*

        I live in a region where olives do well, but some city ordinances ban them (pollen/allergens I think). So if you do grow one either check your local ordinances or make sure you don’t do it in the front yard if you have neighbors willing to call code enforcement on you.

      2. Turtle Dove*

        Thanks for the ideas! Unfortunately I don’t live in a climate where I could grow olives, although I wish I could. I’ll definitely buy some olives and experiment with brining.

  36. Lifelong student*

    Savings win!! Went to the grocery store for 4 items yesterday. Ended up with a cart full of things which at full retail would have been $158.29. Because we have a loyaty card and had accumulated points that can be redeemed on a grocery bill- out of pocket was $52.55.

    6. Sparkly Librarian*

      That’s a win! I love a good grocery deal — saving above 35% off the total is my goal. You almost doubled that!!

  37. Invisible fish*

    I don’t understand “business” of any sort, so I’m hoping someone will explain things to me. Depending on when you’re reading, you may see what is obviously a spam posting about some ridiculous and unrealistic job, and then Alison has to remove it. I don’t understand why someone would waste her time- or her bot’s time – with something so pointless. What do they (scammers) accomplish, sending this foolishness out into the world? How is this a business model that brings in profit? I’m not being sarcastic- I really don’t understand.

    1. RagingADHD*

      It’s a numbers game. The chances of making a penny on any given post is low, but automation allows them to operate on a massive scale.

      They post thousands of comments on thousands of blogs, and if only a couple of people click on the link and put their personal information into the fake job site, they make more from selling that data than it cost to run the spam bot.

      Also, this type of operator isn’t expecting to live on the proceeds of one scammy link. They have many, many different types of scams running at the same time.

      Most users never see the arms race that is going on all the time behind the scenes on the internet. Every web page, everywhere, is constantly being inundated with bots, and the various types of defense programs have to be constantly updated.

      I have a small blog with very little traffic, and the caches on my spam filters always astonish me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        A point made in Nexus was that we could have used other models for the web–charge money for each email or webpage; make these into things the government should provide for its people. I have become really curious about what that would have looked like, since the incentives and constraints would have been so different.

        Like my instinct on charging for information is that it benefits the wealthy… but I don’t think the glut of actually true information in the firehose is beneficial, even before you multiply it however many fold for all the untrue stuff. Which AI is going to make even easier, drowning us even more.

      2. Sloanicota*

        The trolling ones are weirder to me, as that’s a human person spending their limited time on earth posting nonsense in the hopes of possibly making strangers upset?

      3. Not That Jane*

        My stepmom has fallen for scams like this. I’ve seen the proof in her bank statements. So yes, it’s a numbers game. Where 999 people see this and think “scam” and ignore it, if 1 person thinks “hmm, $30K a year in passive income sounds good” and clicks through, it makes them money.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      Because people fall for scams. Fake business/job ones can be some sort of identity theft or more often a check cashing scam.

    3. Me Myself*

      It costs very little time and money to spam sites and if even one person clicks or signs up for the spam, they make money. So the potential payoff is greater than the effort involved.

  38. Miss Buttons*

    Iphone recent update: anybody else have an iphone that recently updated which changed the formatting of email? Drives me crazy. They have the email sorted into four categories on four different screens: primary, transactions, updates and promotions. So I have to check four different screens of email now instead of one. Why would anyone think that this is an improvement?

    2. Jen*

      There’s a setting to remove this. You can google it. I’d put a link, but the contents would go to moderation.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Thank you for this. I had registered that the interface looked different, but not that it was hiding my emails by category.

        I truly do not understand modern tech, in the sense that I don’t understand why they keep trying to force changes via reasoning like “Everyone wants a refrigerator that hides the butter and sings MacArthur Park!”

        I think “No one asked for this” becoming a meme in the last few years ties into this.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Or devices like washer/dryers or dishwashers that either SCREAM at you or start playing tootle-tootle notes when they’re done. Just beep! Stop trying so hard!

    3. Seashell*

      It was annoying, as I didn’t realize what had happened and why I was seeing different emails on my computer than on my phone. I figured out how to change it back to all one list, which was better.

      2. Purple Stapler*

        The change in the Apple Mail app is only for iPhone right now. Will be for iPad and Mac in the next update. Maybe April?

    4. No name yet*

      That’s annoying that it changed without notification/easy off! I will say, though, my gmail does something similar and I really love it – the reason is that most of the e-mails that are in the main inbox are personal/actually to me, vs. things like political or e-mail newsletters. So I can have e-mail alerts on my phone, but mostly get notifications for actual e-mails I might want to see right then, then can look at the other inboxes when I have time/energy to peruse them.

      1. Purple Stapler*

        I tried using the Apple Mail app with my two Gmail addresses, but the Gmail app catches the spam and the promotional emails so much better than the Mail app, so I’m back to Gmail app.

  39. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

    This isn’t a very uplifting one, I’m afraid…

    For anyone here who has had to accept that their life is going to be very different from how you envisioned it, and that there are things you will not be able to have, how did you do it?

    The context here is that it’s becoming clear to me that for a number of reasons I will never have a partner, which was something I always envisioned for myself. The only advice people give me when I bring this up is about how to not try too hard, or how I can fix the cause of the problem, or how “there’s someone out there for everyone”, which makes me so frustrated I want to scream. I want to just let go, and appreciate what I have, not grieve what I can’t have.

    In particular, anyone who had a life changing injury or illness, I would be interested in what you did. Obviously, my issues are not even close to being that severe – but I think the approaches for dealing or coming to terms with something like that, would be useful for me.

    1. Jen*

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      Time and perhaps a focus on new things, self care, small joys? There is a book by Victor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning that I found helpful.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact that there will be no partner or kids in my future. I’m not happy about that, but over time, I’ve accepted it more. I try to look on the bright side — not having those close ties keeps me more mobile. If I want to pick up and move, I have to think about work, but I don’t have to think about other people when I make that decision. It sucks not having someone to do some of the work a partner might — get the car fixed, change that hard-to-reach lightbulb, etc. — but it makes me more independent to have to figure out how to accomplish those things myself. No one has huge claims on my time — it is my own to do with what I please.

      I think the hardest thing is to think of what I’m living for. When you hit traditional life milestones, you don’t have to think about that. You get the wedding, the kids, the grandkids, etc., and you can assume (whether it is actually true or not), that when you die, you will have a loving family around you who will keep your memory alive. I have to think about what kind of legacy I want to leave and how I want to leave it. Like, what traces am I going to leave on this earth, since there’s not much of a family that will be thinking fondly of me? It has made me think about how I donate my money, since I’m not spending it on weddings, raising kids and sending them to college, etc.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I actually never wanted children, so I think that part isn’t as difficult for me. I am also an (aspiring) novelist, so I have a clear sense of something I want to leave behind. One of my longterm goals is also to have something like an old/abandoned farm, and then fix it up – that also opens a range of possibilities for improving things.

        The harder part of it is really the constant waking up alone, coming home alone, I guess — but also not holding out hopes that won’t be met, which is worse than any of the actual effects of isolation themselves.

        Thanks!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          There are different ways of not being alone.

          Pets–fostering or permanent. Being a foster parent or a Big Brother/Big Sister. Roommates (if you have people you want to live with!)

          Those are just off the top of my head, of course, and it all depends on what you can handle financially and emotionally. But there are ways of having things and people you care about around you.

    3. Cacofonix*

      I was like this until late 30’s and I experienced what you are experiencing and did exactly that. Came to peace on not ever finding a partner and quit whining about it internally and out loud because all it got me were the responses you’re getting. I focused on learning or joining things because *I* wanted them in my life. Not because I was forcing myself out there. That I found a wonderful partner later, to me is immaterial. Correlation is not causation. The fact is, when this person came in my life I was choosing this person with the same alignment of my standards and goals as with everything else; not grabbing on to just anyone out of desperation or relief in not being alone.

      That’s why I would never tell someone that they’d find someone if they’d stop trying so hard. Because they might not. A couple of friends were on a similar journey to mine and we stopped harping about it when together. They are leading enviable fulfilling lives, are lovely people, remain single, and seem to have settled into this different trajectory than they had expected. I feel I have as well. We all have unmet expectations. The trick is to notice all that are exceeded.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I think I’ve managed to find a number of things that are meaningful to me. The key will be figuring out how to keep the problems I have from blighting or overshadowing the rest of it.

        May I be as lucky as your friends.

        Thank you.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I also recommend the old Dear Sugar column, The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us. It’s in her collection of columns and fairly easy to find online.

          It’s about trajectories, and choices, and how picking this means giving up that. It’s wonderful.

          1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

            Oh, that’s a good one (just read it). I don’t have the same reservations about having children – I don’t want to be a parent, which is ONE of the factors that closed the door for me having a partner. So I don’t face that same kind of choice, but the exercise is very useful. Thanks!

    4. Miss Buttons*

      Cancer is my life-changing illness. As the serenity prayer says, accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can. Sounds so cliche, but when I really commit to living that way it changes everything. Coming to terms with limitations has been hard. But focusing on what I don’t have makes life much harder. My mantra has become this is what I have today, this is what is possible to do. What will I do with it? During chemo I had some dizziness and blurred vision some days, other days extreme fatigue. So I focused on what I could do on those days, instead of moaning about my limitations. I stopped trying to use my eyes and listened to music with my ears instead. Or just totally accepted the fatigue and rested and slept a lot.

      Living in this moment fully became the only way to be sane.
      Because the truth is we just don’t know the future. I don’t know if I’ll be dead in 2 years from cancer. You don’t know if you’ll have a partner or not in 2 years. Now is all we have.
      What can you do with your now? What parts of being alone bring you joy that you can focus on? What I focus on grows. I want to feed the right wolf.
      Best of luck to you as you grapple with acceptance.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I think I may borrow the mantra. My issues are trivial compared to yours, so I really appreciate that you took the time to share this. Best of luck with whatever comes along.

    5. Never Had a Heyday*

      Focus on taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself and on doing what you can do and what you can control. Certainly counseling will help. You might have to try several counselors before you find one that really works. I’ve found doing yoga helpful.

      A wise therapist once told me something along the lines of, “You can’t change the horrible things that have happened to you, but you don’t have to have them staring you in the face all the time. You can push them off to the side where you don’t have to look at them all the time and then you can do other things. Those horrible things will always be there and when they get the chance they’ll jump back in front of your face and you’ll have to keep pushing hem away again and again.”

      And that’s where I’m at, pushing those things away, again and again and doing what I can.

    6. Ms. Pollifax*

      Interestingly enough, when I was in my 20s, I really thought that I never would get married, never would own a house, and definitely wouldn’t have kids, partially due to some health issues. Then in my 30s, I found a great life partner, and within the next five years had bought a house and adopted. It was great, but not at all what I had expected.
      Then right before Covid I received a pretty serious health diagnosis, and left a challenging career. I made sure to seek therapy to deal with the transition away from work, and there are times where I still miss working a lot, but realize that if I had kept up the same schedule, I would be in much worse shape now. I try to appreciate what I do have, and accept the situation I’m in, and I set goals that seem manageable in the short term. I hope that you will be able to adjust to your circumstances, and find the positive things.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I’m trying therapy, but I don’t think it’ll help in this case; the therapist doesn’t seem to accept what I’ve realised about myself (to be fair, no one in my life will – a constant source of frustration). Although it is helpful with other things.

        Thank you!

    7. 653-CXK*

      I’m 53, not married, not interested in being married or in a relationship.

      When I was a teenager in the 1980s, I was reading a magazine about child actors going out on their own, and one of them said, “sometimes you have to be self reliant.” That phrase impressed me, even though I was still a teenager.

      During my time at college, I tried wooing someone and it failed spectacularly. Since then, I have never asked anyone out (over 30+ years). Then that phrase came back – sometimes it’s a lot easier and a lot better to enjoy solitude, peace, and non-commitment than jumping in to any ol’ relationship for the physical and emotional goodies, and end up being disappointed and divorced later. I compare relationships to high-end sportscars: many people want them because they look nice, but if you lift the hood and look under, they’re a lot harder to maintain because of a lot of moving parts you’ve never expected.

      In addition to that, many of my aunts and uncles on my grandparent’s side never married, and led long lives. They survived well into their 80s and 90s and were completely happy being aunts and uncles, having long careers, and not caring if they were married or not. The ones who did marry had marriages lasting over 40 years.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I see what you mean. My aunt has had a number of failed relationships, so I would rather be single than go through that process. The problem is that I never even get as far as heartbreak or putting the work in. I just…get nothing. So it’s being interested that I need to let go of.

      2. Seashell*

        If you’re happy with things as they are, then I’m glad, but if my kids decided to give up on all romantic relationships ever just because one person didn’t want to go out with them, I would strongly encourage them to go to therapy and work on their self-esteem.

        Unless your spectacular failure involved stalking, abuse, or murder, I’d say you had a very common experience. It’s pretty normal for a first relationship or crush not to work out. Usually, it becomes a learning experience in retrospect and you grow from there.

        In the phrase “sometimes you have to be self reliant”, it sounds like you missed the “sometimes” part.

    8. Briefly Anon*

      In my late teens, I had a chronic illness which, at the time, seemed that it would leave me permanently disabled and prevent me from entering any of the careers that I’d previously considered. It took me years to come to terms with it. Ultimately, I took a hard look at my life and realized that I could either live the rest of my life exhausted and in pain and doing nothing, or I could live my life exhausted and in pain and doing something. So I started to do more. I made myself make more friends. I made myself try dating (it flopped a bunch, but I tried it!) I made myself keep trying at university and at volunteering.

      I would say, I understand completely that it’s not helpful for people to be falsely optimistic. And at the same time, while appreciating what you do have is important, you probably DO need to let yourself grieve, if you haven’t already. When I was the least healthy, people (mostly my doctors) kept asking me if I was depressed, and I wasn’t. But I was so, so sad. I don’t think I laughed for a year, and I stopped listening to music because I couldn’t bear the emotion of it all. But I didn’t stop being interested in life–like you, I wanted my life very badly. Even though I’ve unexpectedly made a very good recovery I still sometimes have it slapped in my face that I didn’t get to be a young healthy person, and many of the choices I made to build a meaningful life have closed other doors. I find a lot of comfort in the idea that absolutely everyone dies with things undone, unachieved, and unlearned. It’s ok to have regrets. It’s a sign of imagination. It’s inherent to being human.

      Another anecdote on unexpected lives:
      I know a couple in their 70s, we’ll call them Robin and Abe. They married in their 40s and were not able to have children. In her 50s, Robin was working with a guy in his late teens who was obviously bright, but had s–ty parents. She and Abe took him under their wings and became sort of “spiritual parents” to him. About a decade later, that guy married me, and we had a kid, making Robin and Abe grandparents. Given that they don’t have children, this was an unexpected and deeply joyful surprise to them. Robin and Abe weren’t thinking that they’d quasi-adopt my husband and get grandkids out of it. But they’re community-minded and caring, and they had a lot of love to give. I guess my point is that there are a lot of unexpected joys to be found when you build a meaningful life.

      1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        The optimism has been far, far worse than the loneliness itself. I always think something’s around the corner, and it never comes. Eventually (and the last two months have been the ‘eventually’) reality sinks in.

        I haven’t reached that point of really grieving, and I’m dreading it. But putting it off might be worse.

    9. Sloanicota*

      I think at one point in my 30s I did the math and realized, given how long it seemed reasonable to me to date before marriage and be married before having kids at the age that seemed right, I had actually already missed my window to meet someone and lead the life I’d just sort of assumed would happen for me. There are other versions of life with lots to offer, mind you, just that specific one was kind of out. It’s hard sometimes because I grew up in a VERY heteronormative culture/family, where literally everyone seems to be on the same track and has the same values and I was misaligned with those. People still sometimes (accidentally?) say the most hurtful things to me, like “life has no meaning until you have children” or “the only thing in life that matters is (romantic) love.” I have to just constantly rephrase those to “all kinds of love” such as the love I have for my friends, family, the universe, etc. I do know a woman who married in her 60s after a lifetime of being single so I’m not sure I’d ever say “it’ll *never* happen,” but clearly at this point, I’m past doing it “right.” Sometimes I grieve that, sometimes I take a moment and notice how much more compassionate it’s made me, or how I notice people now who, like me, don’t quite fit. I lead a bigger life. I think consciously about my legacy rather than just assuming it’s my children. I appreciate all the quiet moments where I can do whatever I want. I find ways to use the “extra” energy I have to help people, especially children. I am quite content most of the time, whatever happens.

      1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

        The thing is that (and I know this sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy, I really am not) my authentic self is not attractive to people. Not in the sense that I have any obvious, glaring flaws: I am reasonably emotionally mature, treat people with respect and have a variety of interests beyond my work. I’m tired of tying myself in knots trying to figure out what’s missing, as I’ve been doing for the past thirteen years. I don’t know if your friend experienced that, or if she had just never met the right person before then.
        Because the problem is that I meet many right people, and it always dies on the vine.

      2. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

        I assume you also get quite a bit of useless advice
        I suppose it’s theoretically possible that I could end up like your friend. I just don’t want to sit around waiting, and I suspect that there are deeper issues with me that I can’t find or change, which she most likely does not have.
        Thank you!

        1. Sloanicota*

          I mean, it’s certainly possible. Plenty of good people do end up single for various reasons. And it’s okay for you to decide you don’t WANT the possibility hanging over you and it feels good to you to close the door. But I don’t assume there’s anything so specially hideous about me that’s worse than the billions of other people who find reasonably happy matches. There’s plenty of other weirdos in the world. I find at this point it’s harder *for me* because I’m increasingly set in my ways and not as flexible as I was (I own a house and don’t want to sell it, I wouldn’t want to move, I have pets that are non-negotiable and on and on) so I’m not sure I’m emotionally open enough any more to let someone in even if I found a good partner. But I guess who knows, the world is crazy, anything’s possible.

      3. LBD*

        The phrase, ‘life has no meaning until you have children’ is actually rather disturbing. What kind of childhood would there be for someone whose parent found no meaning in anything other than their child? And living your life with only your child to focus on seems bleak and limited when there is so much else out there. What do you do with yourself? Do you just sit and watch them all the time? Having a child can change a person’s perspective and add a source of joy and enrichment, but there is a whole world out there to embrace that doesn’t require being a parent as price of admission.
        From your description, you have a life filled with meaning that isn’t solely dependant on your having fulfilled a biological process.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I refuse to give up on having a partner, but there won’t be any kids. That really upset me, but looking around at the state of the world, I’m sort of glad. If anything happens, I won’t need to worry about them. Maybe I will have some in my next incarnation.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I know this journey. You mentioned not wanting to grieve what you don’t have. My question for you is if you’re giving yourself time for the path through grief. The grieving period is real and varies for everyone. In my case, it took about two years.

      Perhaps you’re at a different stage and this isn’t relevant for you, but I’m sharing this in case it is. I bring it up because it’s helpful to give yourself room for grieving. While it’s damn painful and unpleasant, I think it’s good self care. The loss is real and trying to push it away doesn’t move you forward. That’s the thing about grief. It takes its own time.

      I found that once I’d finally moved beyond it being the dominant emotion in my life, there was room to look at the present, be grateful for what I had, and to get excited about the possibilities for the future. My own journey is long in the rear view mirror. Now I’m thrilled to be on my own and excited about how being single provides me so much freedom to make my own choices.

      1. Anonanonanoninon*

        I agree with the point about giving yourself time to grieve, almost especially when you don’t have what you expected/want. It’s looking very likely that I won’t end up having a child, and I’m very much grieving that right now, even though I know I’ll come through it eventually (my husband and I have a great life and I know there is so much to do and be in the world that is meaningful). But two aspects of it that are particularly hard right now are that 1) because it’s about someone who doesn’t exist (yet), the grief goes mostly unacknowledged in the world, and even by me, and 2) sometimes I get really sad about not getting the chance to meet this person who feels so very real to me, even though they aren’t (yet). I saw you said kids aren’t something you want, but I can see these aspects of grief for someone who isn’t there possibly applying to a partner too.

      2. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

        I’m afraid I’ve not yet reached the stage where your advice wouldn’t be relevant. I realised that the window had closed back in December, and things have been quite difficult since. So I think sitting with it, or figuring out how to, is still applicable.

        Thanks!

    12. Quitting Timely*

      I had a life changing illness in my early twenties that led to the end of my then career path and a complete shift in lifestyle and life goals.

      I ultimately dealt by realizing that life is a never ending series of forked paths. And every time you chose one direction at any given fork—because you want to, because you have to, doesn’t matter—you are choosing not to take the other path, and that means all the related forks on that path are now closed to you. So there are infinite life experiences I will never have as I experience the finite number of choices I make.

      Maybe that sounds a bit nihilistic but it helps me, because I remember that I’m not really losing anything per se. It’s impossible to do it all. I can’t have all lived experiences. I have to pick something, and picking something by necessity means excluding other things, even things I might want. So even though I felt forced to make some choices due to my health, they were still choices, in the end, and even though they closed off a lot of pathways, there are still other forks left in the road I did take.

      I wish you the best.

    13. Rara Avis*

      For me it was accepting that we would be a one-child family. After it became clear that our hard-won IVF baby was a one-off, there was a lot of grief and time needed to make peace with my family looking different than I had always imagined. (My husband and I both take great joy in our siblings, so we had planned /hoped for two.)

      What helped? Time. Silver linings. (Less expensive with one; easier to manage the family schedule; we for perfectly in one airplane row, etc.) I have a high school friend without a partner and she does a lot of fun things — ad she always gets to choose. I have another friend who married for the first time at 54, but had a fabulous single life until then.

  40. Sitting Pretty*

    Long answer, sorry…

    Right at the time my kid was about to go off to college and I had expected my empty nest life to open up new possibilities, I became disabled. My little world has shrunk so small I barely recognize it.

    A few thoughts to share:

    Acceptance is not an on-off switch. It’s a set of choices. Some days the sorrow, rage, and resentment are just going to bubble up, and that’s totally fine and understandable. But it’s important to put a limit on the amount of wallowing permitted. And then consciously choose to refocus on what is good, what is working.

    Every life is made up of an infinite number of closed doors. Most of us aren’t going to walk on the moon or become Nobel prize winning neurosurgeons or prima ballerinas. But my guess is most of us don’t feel heartbroken or like failures for not doing these things. It helps when I put the life I thought I was going to live into that category. “Oh well, not my story, so be it.” Then to really lean into the things that I am doing that I can control. To cherish my little life. To even celebrate it.

    Don’t underestimate the power of cockiness. Every single day I tell myself what a rockstar I am for figuring out how to survive with this chronic illness. Sometimes I even tell other people how friggin awesome I am, turning a situation I never could have imagined into a manageable and even beautiful life. Especially when they start pitying me. You just gotta practice saying what you believe for it to settle into your bones.

    I am sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there, you’ll find your way to acceptance and possibly even some version of happiness

    1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

      I really appreciate the time and effort you took to share this, and I think it really is going to help. Thank you.

    2. Luisa in Dallas*

      Thank you for this. I have copied your thoughts to my “goals” folder. Your mindset and actions are what I want to remember for my future. I’m 82 and doing great right now, but, realistically, this period cannot last. Eventually my health will decline and, if my partner dies before me, I will have to drastically downsize. I know my resilience will be tested as my own doors close.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Your comment about the infinite doors reminds me that’s one reason I prioritize art in my life, particularly immersive storytelling like fiction, movies, TV shows – they can almost be a way to “live other lives” at least in your imagination, since, as you say, none of us can be doctors AND AND live on a farm in the 1800s AND fight in the Korean War etc etc.

  41. Foila*

    Has anyone had success with pushing back on unnecessary work that was already done?
    I have a backed up floor drain. Plumber said the puddle was from the water heater leaking. Now I have a $5k new water heater, and it still has a smelly puddle under it every time we use the shower. I’m guessing there was nothing wrong with the old water heater, I want them to put it back in and refund me. Do I have any hope?

    1. WellRed*

      The old heater is long gone. But also, why are those the only two choices? Tell them the new heater didn’t fix the problem.

      1. Foila*

        Ha, yes, we’ll of course actually get the puddle fixed. We did call back at the first sign of trouble and have the same plumber scheduled for tomorrow. The trouble is I now don’t trust him at all. And I want my good water heater back! Which is maybe irrational, but I’m angry that they trashed it when they’re was nothing wrong with it.

        We have another plumber coming Tuesday, so if plumber #1 can’t figure out a way to give us some kind of refund I’m totally done with them.

      2. CheerfulGinger*

        Add to this thought – Since the new hot water heater did not solve the problem, ask the plumber to clear the drain for free.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’d like to say otherwise, but no, I don’t think this is particularly realistic given the work is already done. But you could call them back and request they diagnose the issue (and then get three bids).

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      They probably already disposed of the old “leaky” one, if they thought it leaked it wouldn’t make much sense to leave it hanging around for some reason.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Friends of mine had a good fridge that was perfect apart for making an intermittent annoying little noise that they eventually could not stand any longer in their open-plan house. They bought a new fridge, sold the old one, when the guy came to get it he was very pleased, and it made the little noise, and the guy said Gee, doesn’t that annoy you? And he reached down underneath it and adjusted something and it stopped making the noise.
      Imagine their clenched teeth!
      Assuming you are having the same plumber do more investigation, it would be worth asking for a discount on any future quote – and on getting a second quote if you can.
      My landlord told me storage water heaters only last ten years now (YMMV).

  42. Can't access my Kindle library*

    I always read my amazon kindle books on a Windows 10 laptop in a browser. Yesterday I decided to try using a Macbook Air and I read some of my current book in Safari. Then I went back to my Windows laptop, but when I tried to open the book, an error message popped up saying “Oops — something went wrong. Please try again.”

    I did a restart on the Windows laptop, and I tried again on my original browser and with 2 other browsers (Firefox, Chrome, Edge), and I’m still getting this error message, not just for the one book I opened on the Macbook but also for the other books I tried to open. I can now access my kindle books only on the Macbook.

    I would really welcome your ideas about this!

    2. Can't access my Kindle library*

      Well, it turns out that I can read my kindle books by downloading the kindle app, which I’ve never used before, and it’s a better reading experience as well. So I guess this was a good thing in the end although I am still mystified that it quit working in a browser.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        I’m glad you found a workaround, and even one that’s better than your original way!
        The only thing I could think of that might help with the browsers was emptying the cache, and thus basically resetting the browser. Maybe that would have worked.

        1. Can't access my Kindle library*

          I thought about that, but I rarely (extremely rarely) use the other 2 browsers and I doubted that they were so clogged that clearing their caches/cookies would make a difference. But when it comes to technology I should always add, “but what do I know???”

    3. Can't access my Kindle library*

      Well darn, the reading experience is better in the desktop app but there are no page numbers, whereas there were in the browser tab. Google AI says to turn on Reflow, but it’s not an option in my Kindle app.

  43. Magdalena*

    I realized I’ll never have a partner a few years ago, and the realization came pretty suddenly even though it wasn’t a breakup.
    How I coped? Honestly I just cried almost daily for about six months and it felt like a part of me died. I went on antidepressants which made me a bit numb.
    Now I’m feeling pretty serene. The part of me that hoped to marry is in the freezer behind a locked door.
    Not to sound pretentious but I’ve mentally reframed my purpose in life as following a calling. I’m a doctor which lends itself to that pretty well – there’s always more to do, more people to help, and I’m fairly lucky to have the tools to do so – I live in a country with universal healthcare where it looks like the system is (mostly) an ally instead of throwing obstacles in my way. So I’m throwing all the extra love no one ever wanted towards sick people and it feels like the love comes back to me in a way.

    1. Mark Knopfler's Headband*

      I was lucky then – the bad period for me was one week back in December.

      I write (fiction) so I think that’s what’ll best meet the need for a purpose.

      Thank you.

    2. Never Had a Heyday*

      It appears you went through a reasonable period of mourning and have been able to move on. Good for you! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad you have been able to find a purpose. In my life, I’m not exactly in my dream job, but I do try to do the best job I can and I think that’s all anyone can reasonably do.

  44. Shiny Penny*

    Kindle question.
    I’ve been seeing a lot of alarmed you-tubes about a drastic change in how kindle works, taking effect in just a day or two. Some are extremely upset about the change in how users will be able to access the books they’ve already bought. Downloading your entire library (?) seems to be the recommendation.
    As a (very) non-tech user, I thought I’d see if anyone here was alarmed? Or taking fast action before the deadline?

    1. Pam Adams*

      I kind of accept the fact that I’m renting my books from Amazon, and not worrying. I am moving my new audiobook purchases to Librio.fm and may do the equivalent for new ebooks going forward.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      As I understand it the change is that they are removing the ability to download your kindle library books and store them on your computer. Whether this matters to you is kind of up to you. I have never had any interest in doing so, personally. I get my kindle books onto my kindle or my kindle apps via WiFi, and have no pressing interest in storing them on my computer. There are folks who will get up in arms about how if Amazon decides to remove books what will I do!? Well, honestly, I probably won’t notice since 90% of my library is either returned library books or returned kindle unlimited books. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so no alarm and no action here. Your mileage may vary.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      (Also, I’m not sure this is really actually a drastic change. I didn’t actually know that downloading your library even was an option until people started panicking about it not being an option, and I’ve been a kindle user for something like fourteen years, I think.)

    4. AnotherRetiredLibrarian*

      Be aware that digital videos “purchased” on Amazon are basically rented, too. Several
      episodes I purchased of various tv series are now unwatchable because “This video is no longer available in your area.”

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is why I like physical media. No one can take my set of Hannibal DVDs away from me. Huge bonus that I was able to take it to Fan Expo and have Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy sign it!

      2. fhqwhgads*

        It’s always been possible – but they don’t make it especially obvious – to download videos and music you purchased. If you do so the media doesn’t self-destruct after they stop having it streamable.

    5. Girasol*

      I just read about it and it sounds like it’s a big deal for a just a few users. They’re canceling a feature for people who have very old Kindles or who don’t have wifi, as nearly as I can tell. Some people download book files to a PC and move the files to Kindle by USB. People who get their books that way could end up without a way to get at them, so they’d have to download them quick. If I understand this right, though, those of us with recent Kindles and wifi, who just say “download this book” on the Kindle and it appears, don’t need to be concerned. Kindle users, did I understand that right?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For the most part, yes. The part more people are getting up in arms about is, as office hobbit says below, if for some reason Amazon removes the book from their systems, it will no longer be available to download from Amazon to your Kindle even if you had purchased it, while if you had already downloaded it to a computer you could still put it onto the Kindle via USB transfer.

    6. office hobbit*

      I believe the issue is that if you have not downloaded a copy of a kindle book, and that book stops being available on Amazon, then you will not have any way to access it any more, even though you purchased it.

    7. Alex*

      It’s irritating to me because my old kindle doesn’t connect to the internet so I download the books and transfer via USB. And now I can’t do that anymore. Boo. Downloading what I have wouldn’t fix the problem–it’s future books that I won’t be able to read!

  45. Pam Adams*

    I kind of accept the fact that I’m renting my books from Amazon, and not worrying. I am moving my new audiobook purchases to Librio.fm and may do the equivalent for new ebooks going forward.

  46. Not My Money*

    I am in Budapest for work for a couple of months and looking for things to do that aren’t the standard tourist destinations – I’m here for far longer than most guide books anticipate. Any suggestions? I do have access to a car.

    1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

      The Neusiedler See in Austria (right on the border). Beautiful vineyards and cycling trails, as well as kite surfing on the world’s westernmost steppe lake. I’d say it’s worth a weekend.

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