weekend open thread – February 8-9, 2025

by Alison Green on February 7, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Perfume and Pain, by Anna Dorn. A cancelled writer searches for inspiration and develops a surprising relationship with her new neighbor. Funny and smart. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

You may also like:
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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    1. Karriegrace*

      I’m reading the fourth of the Thursday Murder Club books by Richard Osman. They have sll been really fun.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        Ooh my Libby hold finally came through on that! Right now I’m reading Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik, which I’m loving (I’m a good chunk of the way in and still don’t really know where it’s going and I don’t even care), but this is up next!

        1. Karriegrace*

          Spinning Silver us a favorite of mine. Insanely satisfying ending. Somehow she wraps up ALL the threads ofvthe story perfectly.

        2. epicdemiologist*

          One of my favorite books to read in the wintertime! And the lead characters are all so engaging, and so different!

        3. carcinization*

          I thought the book was just okay, but I did try cherries in hot tea afterward due to the description of such a drink!

      1. workingdayandnight*

        What books are you reading? I’m doing the same these days – John Dickson Carr, one after another.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          Right now it’s literally one collection: Golden Age Locked Room Mysteries, edited by Otto Penzler. But I’m adding some of the authors to my list to look up for further reading. (John Dickson Carr is one of them, especially after watching Colonel March of Scotland Yard last year.)

          1. workingdayandnight*

            They call John Dickson Carr the Master of the Locked Room so I started with him. Just downloaded the Golden Age collection on Libby. I’m excited to branch out in the category with other authors. Thanks!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Full Speed to a Crash Landing and its sequel How to Steal a Galaxy, by Beth Revis. Heists in space! Follows an operative (think Rick Blaine from Casablanca; expects to be paid but often works for the little guys) retrieving a package from a space ship crashed onto a heavily volcanic planet, and then stealing something from an art museum during a black tie gala. Lots of fun.

      2. Feeling old and foolish*

        Perhaps stupid question but every book in that series is described as “sexy”… Are there a lot of (more or less explicit) sex scenes? The plot sounds like great fun but I really prefer fade-to-black.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Sexy in the sense of flirtation; clearly pulls from the classic 30s screwball rom coms. No sex scenes and also no sex thus far. (There’s a third in the trilogy, which I’ve requested from my library.)

          Also, it’s sexy in the sense of “Oooh. This person is smart. They suspect that my charm and earnestness might be a cover for something. But they don’t know what, and I’m going to have fun fencing with this worthy adversary.”

          Not a stupid question, as that is very much my preference as well.

      3. No name yet*

        Ok, I have Full Speed to a Crash Landing sitting in my library TBR pile, I may have to move it to the top of the list!

    4. Atheist Nun*

      I just finished, and recommend, The Stolen Queen by Fiona Davis. It was a light book with some cutesy coincidences and resolutions, but it also held my interest through a mature woman protagonist and careful discussions about the repatriation of objects of cultural heritage. I also enjoyed reading about places I have loved visiting, like the Valley of the Kings, Luxor Temple, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

    5. Mobie's Mom*

      Just started The Anteater of Death, by Betty Webb! Picked it up at the library based solely on the name – looks like a fun little murder mystery!

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ve enjoyed Webb’s “Gunn Zoo” series, and Anteater of Death is perhaps my favorite. All the books in the series are titled [animal] of death, and feature koalas, puffins, and yes, even a llama {grin}. I tend to prefer the parts about the zoo and the animals over the interpersonal relationships and the mysteries, but they are quite fun overall.

          1. PhyllisB*

            Your college student might like Annalise Ryan’s Monster Hunter series. It’s about about a cryptozoologist from Wisconsin. The first installment, A Death in Door County is about her being asked to investigate a series of deaths being attributed to a fabled lake monster. There’s currently three titles in the series, but I’ve only read the first one. I like her Mattie Winston series much better even though I will probably come back and read these too at some point.

      2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        I’ve read all of that series and they are light and fun. Her other stuff is much darker, more traditional crime thriller stuff. It was jarring and I went back to the fun animals :)

    6. Loredena*

      I just finished a litrpg series Dungeon Crawler Carl! It was surprisingly entertaining, I read all 7 in short order and am looking forward to the next. It’s on KU

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I just finished the last available book in that series yesterday! Such a hoot.

      2. velveteen rabbit*

        I’ve been thinking about reading those, but I can’t until I know if Princess Donut makes it to the end :/

        2. Loredena*

          She’s still going strong! I’m pretty sure she and Carl both make it to the end, though I do wonder if it will end with the entire galaxy blowing up

      3. Mephyle*

        I have finished a preview of Book 1 and now I’m afraid I’m going to have to get the whole series.

        I’ve also read much high praise for the audiobook version. G*ddamit, Donut!

      4. Jackalope*

        For those who are finding that they enjoy LitRPG books, I highly recommend Elizabeth Oswald’s Legendary Farmer series and the sequel series Cuckoo’s Dream. Very well-written, fun characters, and I enjoyed both series a lot. (Note that you want to make sure you read the series in order, since CD makes much more sense if you’ve read the first series.)

    7. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I just finished a book of essays by Zadie Smith titled ‘Feel Free’. I liked some better than others: sometimes it went deep into art, movies, or music I am not familiar with, but sometimes it also made me look them up and find something new to appreciate! About to start Sally Rooney’s Intermezzo…I had read Conversations with Friends (and loved it) before the Normal People buzz, and I didn’t dislike her third book the way many seemed to – but it did feel she was retreading some similar ground. Reviews of the latest seemed to say she tackled some new types of relationships, so I am curious to see how I find it!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I like Zadie Smith’s essays–I remember one she wrote about being in Italy with her dad and enjoying this particular park because a lot of expat Brits hung out there, and thus “You can drink British amounts of alcohol without anyone looking at you pityingly.”

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Yes, I remember that line making me laugh! I did like that essay about their time in Rome!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m still working through my giant pile; not helped by inadvertently ordering Mona Acts Out when I was trying to stick it on my wish list so I wouldn’t forget it. It sounds good, though!

      *burrows back into mountain on bedside table*

    9. Fun Novel Lover*

      Just finished “Someone Else’s Shoes” by Jojo Moyes. Fun read and very satisfying ending. Highly recommended!

    10. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished Paula Hawkins’ The Blue Hour. Interesting set up – famous woman artist and friend on an island, got his mystery vibes- but it wasn’t nearly as good as her debut, Girl on the Train. Now I’m finishing up Mrs Porter Calling, the third book in AJ Pearce’s Dear Mrs Bird series. It’s still charming.

    11. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I absolutely inhaled the entire Dungeon Crawler Carl series in the last, like, two weeks after seeing it recommended over and over and every time thinking “But it sounds so dumb, I really don’t get litRPG”. Let me tell you friends, I could not have been more wrong. It is SO GOOD. I am obsessed. It made me cry multiple times–at work, nonetheless–and books almost never do that to me. I listened to the audiobooks and the narrator is hands down the best I have ever heard, he’s incredible. The latest book is coming out on audio on Tuesday and I am dyyying from the wait.

    12. My Brain is Exploding*

      I finished “Just Mercy” by Brian Stevenson. It’s a deep dive into serious problems within the criminal justice system and what the Equal Justice Initiative is doing to effect systemic change and provide aid to incarcerated individuals. It isn’t for the faint of heart; there are gut-wrenching stories that brought me to tears and successes that gave me hope. (I know many of the commenters here are more aware about these issues than I was before reading this book.)

      1. Serenity*

        It’s always the right time to learn. (And there’s always more *to* learn. Good job engaging!) Yes, that’s a great book. Hard, but so well written and so important.

      4. PhyllisB*

        If you like that, you might enjoy Framed by John Grisham and Jim McCloskey. It’s about innocent people being charged with crimes they didn’t commit and spending years in prison.
        John also wrote The Innocent Man: Murder and Injustice in a Small Town. Haven’t read this one yet, but Framed was heartbreaking.

    13. Heffalump*

      Just finished The Yugo: The Rise and Fall of the Worst Car in History by Jason Vuic, and enjoyed it. Interesting from the business angle or the gearhead angle.

    14. AG*

      Just finished ‘Same as it Ever Was’ by Claire Lombardo. Loved it! I ordered her other book & will begin that when it arrives.

    15. GoryDetails*

      The Lost Man by Jane Harper, in which one of three brothers – experienced at travel in the hot, parched, and vast Australian Outback – is found at the iconic Stockman’s Grave, apparently having died of thirst and heat. But why would he have left his fully-stocked vehicle to travel to that spot? Very much immersed into the setting so far.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        What a treat. I love Jane Harper. Have you read her other books? “The Dry” is possibly my favorite, but they are all great.

        1. GoryDetails*

          I did read The Dry and liked it, but I’m finding that I prefer The Lost Man – the focus on the family and their troubles interests me more than investigator Aaron Falk and his issues for some reason.

      2. A federal employee*

        That was my favorite Jane Harper, but I also really liked the 3 books in the The Dry series when I dove into her books last year.

    16. RedinSC*

      Free from Audible I’m listening to The Beechwood Harbor Ghost Mysteries boxed set.

      They’re fun, not great, but entertaining.

    17. PollyQ*

      Even The Darkest Night by Javier Cercas. The setup is pretty straightforward: a small-town Spanish detective works to solve a gruesome double-homicide, but the execution is what sets it apart. It’s as much a novel about the detective’s life as it is a procedural. I read a lot, and most of what I read doesn’t make that much of an impression, but this has stuck with me. Highly recommended! (Note that I read the English translation; it was originally written in Spanish.)

      The Examiner by Janice Hallett. This is another mystery that unspools through found documents, similar to other works by the same author. I certainly enjoyed it as I was reading, but as with her other books, I found the resolution unsatisfying.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        That sounds similar to the Inspector Montalbano series by Andrea Camilleri (Italian series translated into English). I’ll have to check out Javier Cercas

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Ooh, I love the Inspector Montalbanos! And if you happen to read Italian, they are even better in Italian than in English, in my opinion.

    18. Lizard*

      I finished The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith, which I wanted to like more than I actually did. I’m not a huge romance person in general, so that might have been part of the problem, but I couldn’t tell why either person liked the other, and that made it hard for me to get invested. I also didn’t like the main character enough to be inside her head for a whole book. But I appreciate why it would have been such a big deal when it was published, and I think it’s worth a read – I just didn’t love it.

      Other than that I’m continuing Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray, and I’ve started Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood, which I’m really enjoying!

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        Kind of agree. It was groundbreaking and was made into the movie Carol which so many queer women love (although I do not). One thing I hate about the movie is that its very love at first site and they’re “in love” before actually having a single conversation. I thought the book would be better than the movie in that regard and it wasn’t.

        But * spoiler * the ground breaking part was the lesbian couple ends up together. But, honestly, they’re terrible together. They’re broken up near the end and I was hoping they would not end up together and the happiness would be getting away from an emotionally abusive relationship.

        IMO the problem is that the author did actually have massive mommy issues her whole life and many lesbian relationships over her lifetime but none particularly long lasting or loving. This cold, emotionally abusive relationship built on physical attraction is her idea of romance. She was great writing the Talented Mr Ripley series about a psychopath but not good writing “romance” with actual love, emotional connection and respect.

        1. Lizard*

          I haven’t seen the movie, but I agree with all of your points. The instant obsession was not for me, and at the end I thought ‘I could like this ending for someone but not for these two people together’. And I spent a lot of time thinking about Patricia Highsmith as a person and trying to figure out if that was coloring my view of the book.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I mean, I’m sure instant obsession can happen (Shakespear’s Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t exist without it) and it’s a fascinating subject, but one where it’s much harder than it seems to convey the “why,” especially with the written word.

            With a movie or play, or even a song, you can conjure up an altered emotional state with a look, gesture, or single chord, but in a book you have to both make the reader sympathize with the character’s POV but convey why their object of passion can elicit said passion in a couple of minutes. Anybody who’s had a friend tie themselves in knots over a loser knows how difficult it is to relay why this particular human is such an emotional atom bomb.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I agree. Highsmith wrote a short story called “The Heroine” that really outlines her version of motherhood, IMO. No spoilers–definitely read it, though! It’s basically a take on what can happen when a well meaning but love-deprived young woman gets her dream job.

          1. Lizard*

            I’ll check it out! The collection that it’s a part of (Troubled Daughters, Twisted Wives: Stories from the Trailblazers of Domestic Suspense by Sarah Weinman) looks interesting, so I’ve added it to my list.

      2. Serenity*

        Yeah, The Price of Salt isn’t good *now*, it’s good because of its historical context. IIRC it was quite literally the first book widely published where two women got together and weren’t punished (within the story) for being lesbian. The stuff we don’t like about that now is *how the author got away with it.*

        2. allathian*

          I get your point, but actually they were punished because they weren’t allowed to be happy together, even if they didn’t die. United in misery doesn’t cut it for me.

          1. Lizard*

            It doesn’t meet today’s definition of unpunished or a happy ending, but I read a quote from Highsmith that put it in perspective for me. (Descriptions of suicide ahead)

            “Prior to this book, homosexuals male and female in American novels had had to pay for their deviation by cutting their wrists, drowning themselves in a swimming pool, or by switching to heterosexuality (so it was stated), or by collapsing—alone and miserable and shunned—into a depression equal to hell.”

            So in that context Carol and Therese were relatively unpunished. But it definitely doesn’t read the same way today (which is a good thing), and I do think they would have been pretty miserable together.

      3. cleo*

        I’m a romance reader (and also queer) and I couldn’t make it past the first chapter of The Price of Salt. I just could not handle being in the protagonist’s head.

    20. Dwight Schrute*

      Lord of the rings and fourth wing! Lord of the rings has been a slog but I finished it today! I’m enjoying fourth wing for the action

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        I can proudly say I have DNFed Lord of the Rings not once but TWICE, to my husband’s eternal dismay. I have also DNFed Wheel of Time twice. Lord of the Rings I may someday try again (especially as my kids get old enough to read it), Wheel of Time is not worth it to me.

        I did not enjoy Fourth Wing nearly as much as I had expected. I don’t know if it’s because it was over hyped or what – I can’t fully put my finger on it. I wanted to like it but it left me kinda cold. I’ll be reading Onyx Storm eventually, but I’m just waiting on the library book instead of running out to get it.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I did that with the Dark Tower series, to my spouse’s dismay as well. He loves those books and I enjoyed the ones I read, but stalled out at Song of Susanna. I think part of it was reading the bit about a character bringing contraband on a plane and how impossible it seemed from a post 9/11 perspective (obviously this was written decades before that and King wasn’t wrong at the time, but it kept jamming me up–“why in God’s name would the flight attendant IGNORE THAT??”)

        2. The OG Sleepless*

          I DNF’s Lord of the Rings at least twice, to my brother’s dismay. The only reason I made it through Wheel of Time was that I was reading it at a job that had lots of downtime, at a job that didn’t have internet access at the time lol. I really don’t think I’d have the patience now.

        3. Sparkly Librarian*

          I, too, did not think Fourth Wing lived up to the hype. People were stopping me on the street while I was reading it, saying, “It’s such a good book!” — I don’t know why. There’s some welcome disability representation, but not a ton of character development in the first book. And as for the “spiciness” people mentioned… there was no open door sex until more than halfway through the 500 page book, and then only two sex scenes! Please. (I think the people, even librarians, who commented on this reputation have a difference frame of reference for smut than I do.) I picked up the second one but DNF after a chapter and a half and flipping ahead for ANYTHING that would grab my interest.

    21. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Started Bruno, Chief of Police thanks to someone’s recommendation here. I’m enjoying the view of French village life it gives whether it’s particularly accurate or not.

      Next up, all of them thanks to this question every week:
      The Cautious Traveller’s Guide to the Wastelands by Sarah Brooks
      Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone
      Birds of a Feather by Jacqueline Winspear

    23. Lemonwhirl*

      After a great month of reading in January, I’ve struggled a bit so far in February. I DNF’ed two books (“Memorials” by Richard Chizmar and “The Family Experiment” by John Marrs).

      I’ve finally settled into a book – “The Dark Hours” by Amy Jordan. It’s set in County Cork and is about a retired Garda Detective Inspector who gets called to consult in a case that looks like a copycat of the serial killer who killed her Garda partner years earlier. But that serial killer recently died in prison, so who could be the new killer? Compelling characters and a narrative that zips between the past and the present have me hooked.

      Audiobook-wise, I’m reading “Somebody Knows” by Michelle Monaghan. Set in Galway, it’s about a journalist who grew up knowing she was adopted but didn’t know the details until after her mother dies, when she learns that her birth mother was a distant family relative who had gone missing and whose body been found in a bog when the journalist was a young child. The narrator is great and the viewpoint switches between the journalist in the present and the birth mother in the past. It’s a compelling character study, but not much of a mystery.

    24. HannahS*

      I finished Ina Garten’s memoir, Be Ready When the Luck Happens.

      I enjoyed it a lot! She really describes herself as someone who tends to dive in without thinking, and since I am the opposite of that, it was really fun to hang out in her head.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Oh, that sounds fun. I listened to an interview with her (I think with Terry Gross) and really enjoyed it. Putting this one on hold!

      2. Seashell*

        I read and liked it too, but I couldn’t help thinking that having a wealthy family to fall back on may have made it easier for her to avoid looking before she would leap.

    25. word nerd*

      I really liked Niall Williams’s latest book, Time of the Child, set in a fictional small village in Ireland in the 60s (Faha, for those of you who have read his previous books set there–this was my favorite Faha book). I love how he always manages to transport me to rural Ireland until I feel immersed there. For seasonal readers, it takes place in the days leading up to Christmas, so you may prefer to read around Christmastime–it has that mix of sorrow and beauty and hope that works well for a Christmas book.

    26. librarian*

      Fiction: Chain-Gang All-Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah
      This book is BRUTAL, so just be aware of that. It’s basically a “dystopian” (but very close to reality) America where prisoners are given the option to fight to the death, kind of Hunger Games style, in order to gain their freedom. Really, really, really dark.

      Nonfiction: Code-Dependent: Living in the Shadow of AI by Madhumita Murgia
      I’ve only made it through the intro and two chapters of this one and I’ve already learned so much. If you are looking for a relatively accessible door into understanding the very real ramifications of AI usage, give this a try. I know for me it’s much easier to understand concepts when they are illustrated through real people’s lives, which is just what this is.

      1. Andromeda*

        Chain Gang All Stars made me cry and cry and cry. So good.

        I would really like to read more dystopia like it that deals directly with the idiosyncracies of modern America. The Hunger Games and even The Handmaid’s Tale lean a little too far into the speculative to be quite as bleak, IMHO.

    27. Jamie Starr*

      In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex by Nathaniel Philbrick. In 1821 the Essex was rammed and sunk by an angry sperm whale. Fearful of cannibals on the South Pacific islands to the west, the 20 man crew attempted to return to South America in three small boats. It didn’t go well – only 8 survived the journey; they were forced to eat their dead shipmates to stay alive.

      This real life event was the inspiration for Moby Dick. I’m just at the beginning, where they’ve set sail. The first chapter was mostly setting the scene – describing the whaling industry and what Nantucket was like in the early 1800s. I guessing/hoping the book has more “excitement.”

      1. Reader*

        I enjoyed this book a lot, and yes – it gets more exciting, although action is always interweaved (interwoven?) with information about the technical aspects of whaling/ships/navigation.

    28. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished the book on the Russian civil war by Anthony Beevor. It was a long and difficult read, for many reasons, but I learned things that I never knew, even though a lot of that information became available when I was in school (was censured and restricted prior the fall of the USSR).
      Do recommend it, IF you are a person who likes this type of things. His book on the Spanish Civil war is excellent.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        I’m it much for non-fiction but I have a Russian degree (and lived in Russia) but my knowledge of pre-Stalin Russia is basically limited to the trading I did in Russian for a Russian language class (aka roughly the complexity of a wikipedia article, I used to be fluent but my reading level has never been above about third grade at best). All that to say, thanks for the recommendation!

      2. Hoary Vervain*

        I’m it much for non-fiction but I have a Russian degree (and lived in Russia) but my knowledge of pre-Stalin Russia is basically limited to the trading I did in Russian for a Russian language class (aka roughly the complexity of a wikipedia article, I used to be fluent but my reading level has never been above about third grade at best). All that to say, thanks for the recommendation!

    29. Another Academic Librarian*

      I just finished The Spare Man — It’s an SF mystery. I enjoyed it a great deal.

    30. Pinkbasil*

      Just finished All the Beauty in the World by Patrick Bringley – non-fiction about his job as a Metropolitan Museum guard that he takes after his brother dies – and I loved it. I also loved Cocaine and Rhinestones: a history of George Jones and Tammy Wynette – basically taken from the second season of Tyler Mahan Coe’s podcast but I’m a better reader than listener.

    31. Jules the First*

      Thanks to someone here, I’ve just finished Everyone in my family has killed someone, and it was fantastic – not something I’d have picked up without a recommendation, but it was brilliantly written, crisply plotted, and exactly the right kind of pacy. And there are very few mysteries that keep me guessing until the end of the story and *don’t* end up being ridiculously implausible, but this is one of the few.

    32. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      In the middle of Eve Babitz’s *Sex and Rage*, a 1979 bestseller about a young woman’s artistic, literary, substance-use, romantic, and social journeys in LA and New York. It has some qualities reminiscent of Joan Didion’s *Play It as It Lays*, and Bret Easton Ellis was inspired by Babitz in some measure. Enjoyable enough, but I think I still love *Play It as It Lays* more.

      1. librarian*

        Have you read Didion and Babitz yet? It’s a journalist using Babitz’ letters to Didion to unpack their fraught relationship. I can’t wait to pick it up.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Oh, cool! No, I hadn’t heard of that — I’ll have to check it out. Thank you!

    33. Nervous Nellie*

      One-but-two for me this week. I finished Anna Karenina, and got over that bereft, ‘what could I possibly read that grip me as well as that?’ feeling by moving on to my next Penguin Classic in a big way. I’m reading two translations of the same book: Monkey by Wu Cheng-En (translated by Arthur Waley 1942) and Monkey King – Journey to the West by Wu Cheng’En (translated by Julia Lovell 2021). They are entirely different books. The first reads like a thoughtful & serious children’s book retold in an earnest 1942-way for adults, and the second reads like a Marvel comic. The book was written around 1550 and is thought to be the earliest Eastern fantasy novel. The new translation (a gorgeous colorful Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition) describes it as being about, ‘A shape-shifting trickster on a kung-fu quest for eternal life.’ Yeah! Graphic novelist Gene Luen Yang wrote the foreword about the similarities to Spiderman and Captain America, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there a movie in the offing. It is a total blast comparing the two books.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        I adore Journey to the West! I read the 4-volume scholarly translation by Anthony Yu, but I’ve also read Waley’s (more of a “greatest bits” than a whole translation). I’ve also committed fanfic. (Search Archive of Our Own for “Xi You Ji | Journey to the West – Wu Cheng’en”.)

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Wow! That is very excellent. Check out the Lovell translation, then. You will get a kick out of it, I bet. And yes, both eds I am reading acknowledge that they are condensed versions of the original text. And if I may say, a fanfic screenplay would be most welcome….

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        There’s a stage musical of this as well, with the album available! By Damon Albarn of The Gorillaz.

        1. Clisby*

          Yes – we saw it in 2008 when it premiered at the Spoleto Festival in Charleston, SC. It was amazing.

      4. Irina*

        Ooh, we started reading aloud to our friend because her eyes failed when she was in the middle of Anna Karenina so I heard the second half of that read by a very good reader (my wife). Should perhaps read more than a summary of the first half but I have a TBR pile as high as the Eiffel Tower.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          I know the feeling. My TBR stack is now as tall as I am for my reading challenge for 2025. What have I done? But oh, the first half of Anna Karenina! Her unfaithful brother, Levin’s life in the country, Vronsky’s horse race! Totally worth the time if you can manage it.

    34. Paris Geller*

      I’m reading Twenty Years Later by Charlie Donlea. I liked Those Empty Eyes by the same author and I needed a mystery/thriller. It’s keeping me hooked so far.

      1. carcinization*

        There was a lot more to it than I initially thought, but it’s (speaking of the book and the rest of the series) definitely not for everyone!

    37. Past Lurker*

      The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab. I like it so far but I’m only on the 3rd chapter.

    38. Dark Macadamia*

      Read “Everyone on this Train is a Suspect” in like 2 days and loved it. I wish he had more books but I’m saving the Christmas one for December! If anyone has suggestions for a similar type of book that would be great.

      I need to read “Girl with the Louding Voice” for my book club and I’m not really looking forward to it. I like the people in the club but I feel like we’ve ended up with a lot of really bleak historical fiction about women suffering and it’s not really what I want to spend my reading time on!

      I just got “Nettle and Bone” from the library on audiobook so I’ll probably read that first or between the book club one.

    39. Irina*

      Celia Lake’s newest (or almost-newest, she’s very prolific), Weaving Hope. A wonderful slow-burn romance between a weaver and a civil servant who happened to inherit a manor house with a room full of tapestries that he wants restored. With lots of interesting background about weaving and tapestry restoration. Some of Celia Lake’s books have very sudden, unexpected explicit sex scenes (as in “they sit down to talk and then immediately jump into bed”) but I think that in this one they don’t go any further than kissing.

    40. Makare*

      I’m currently reading “I’m Afraid You’ve Got Dragons” by Peter S Beagle. I enjoyed the first part, but his female characters are so annoying in a really cutesy, 80s fantasy book way—they’re all tiny and cute when they get mad and start hitting the male characters, who are big and strong so it’s just adorable how helpless the Little Ladies are (ugh). They’re also quite dumb but written like they’re supposed to be smart? Also I can see the romances coming from a mile away. I’m close enough to the end that I’ll finish it, but it’s disappointing.

    41. Dancing Otter*

      Listening, actually, but I’m currently enjoying the Rosie O’Grady’s Paranormal Bar series.
      I’m recovering from cataract surgery, so not eye-reading much at the moment.

    42. Angstrom*

      Flapper, by Joshua Zeitz. Nonfiction. A look at the flapper phenomenon of the 1920s. Makes the case that it was not merely postwar exhuberence but a combination of several social and cultural trends, including urbanization and the rise of mass media.

    43. Reader*

      Currently reading Pardon My Frenchie by Farah Rochon (contemporary romance). Just finished Grown Women by Sarai Johnson (literary fiction), The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin (sff), and An Extraordinary Union by Alyssa Cole (historical romance).

      My reading has gotten a whiter in the past few years, so I decided that this month (Black History Month in the US), I’m only reading books by Black authors. It is going great so far and I think I’m likely to try similar challenges throughout the year. I also need to think about how I can better audit my reading overall, of course, but this has been a really good way for me to tackle some stuff that had been languishing on my TBR.

      1. Southern Violet*

        If you want to purposely diversify your books, Book Riot’s reading challenges are great for that! They also provide reading lists to go along with the challenges, so you arent flailing for ideas.

      2. word nerd*

        I find that my library often puts up related book recs online and on display tables during heritage months–Pride Month, Asian American and Pacific Islander Month, National Hispanic Heritage Month, Native American Heritage Month, Women’s History Month, etc.

        1. Reader*

          I’ll have to explore and see what my library does. Adult fiction, other than large print, is as far from the circulation desk as is physically possible and the collection is quite small overall, so I rarely browse – I’ve actually never seen any adult title displays.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        A Mighty Girl does really good themed book lists. They’re primarily for kids/teens but they do adult lists too and you can filter by tons of categories in their website too. I always love when there’s something big in the news and their social media like “HERE IS OUR COLLECTION OF BOOKS ABOUT PROTESTING/UNIONS/IMMIGRATION” or whatever seems most relevant ;)

    44. GoryDetails*

      It’s a snowy day here in New Hampshire – very pretty, but it’s going to take me quite a while to shovel the driveway. Meanwhile, I’m reading The Wedding People by Alison Espach, which is turning out to be much funnier than I’d expected – several laugh-out-loud bits. (Also some regional interest, as it’s set in Newport, Rhode Island.)

      The setup: Phoebe, whose marriage has fallen apart during the pandemic and whose beloved old cat has just died, decides to take a room in a luxury hotel in Newport – where she plans to end her life. But when she arrives, she finds that the place has been booked for an elaborate wedding, and she’s the only person in the hotel who isn’t part of it. While waiting in line to check in, she overhears lots of tidbits about the wedding couple and their friends – and then the bride comes out, distributing welcome gifts to one and all, including Phoebe. Cue the beginnings of – well, what exactly? A wacky misunderstanding? A beautiful friendship?

      1. Reader*

        I agree, this was much funnier than I thought it would be! I had hesitated to pick it up because of the premise, but I’m really glad I did!

    45. carcinization*

      It was finally my turn for King’s Fairy Tale at the library. I think I got it on Tuesday, and I’m already almost finished with it. I stopped being one of his “Constant Readers” after I couldn’t finish Under the Dome, but I’ve picked/chosen a few to read since then based on accolades. The book was enjoyable, I only found a few of his turns of phrase annoying this time.

    46. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Nonfiction recommendation: Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts, by Oliver Burkeman, who wrote Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. His embrace of imperfectionism and the reality that we’re finite beings is a great counterweight to all the “be more perfect! do all the things!” advice books. Very short chapters designed to be read one per day to give you something to think about. No assignments, no making lists or drawing up new journal pages.

      Carpe diem. We only get so many diems. (I obviously never studied Latin.)

    47. higheredadminalumna*

      The Devil at His Elbow about the long history of the Murdaugh family in the South Carolina Lowcountry. Author Valerie Bauerlein deftly weaves back and forth through 100+ years of history. Shows how power corrupts, especially at the expense of the poorest and the least.

    48. Marion Ravenwood*

      Riders by Jilly Cooper, which I bought in the Kindle 99p deal in the summer. It’s the first Jilly Cooper I’ve read (though I watched the Rivals TV series and loved it). So far it’s OK – I think it may be one of those things where you have to have been a certain age when you read it to really love it, or it’s just taking a while to get going, but it hasn’t necessarily grabbed me and I’m finding all the characters slightly confusing. But I’m willing to stick at it for a bit longer yet!

    1. Just Another Cog*

      I finally found a cabinet at our local thrift store for our dining area! It is a very small area and I needed some enclosed storage for extra placemats, napkins, etc. I wanted real wood and found a few for retail sale that were very expensive. Even press wood pieces of garbage were going for $250! I’ll have to clean up the one I found and maybe refinish it, but it was only $25! I’m so excited – I’ve been looking for one I could afford for almost two years!

      2. WellRed*

        I’ve been looking in similar spots for a small used tv stand. The flat packed stuff is so expensive (and needs putting together!). Hopefully I’ll find something.

        1. Just Another Cog*

          We found a low tv stand made of solid wood at the same store for $24 – after the $11 discount for the deal of the day – a couple of years ago! I painted it black because the stain color was a dark burgundy … not sure what decade that was popular. It was a fabulous find. Our store of choice is a St. Vinnie’s near us. Sending good thoughts your way, WellRed!

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        You’ve reminded me that I also found a real wood cabinet, for $25, at a local thrift store.
        I ended up not refinishing it, but buying (from a restaurant supply store, online) a low, metal, heavy-duty storage bench to raise the cabinet about 12″ off the ground. It was a lot more than $25 but the cabinet is no longer flush to the floor and super-convenient for the local mice to visit.

    2. WellRed*

      I was picking up lunch in a local specialty grocer and discovered they carry a new product I can’t find in regular stores and on Amazon you’d have to buy a case. It’s Brianna’s new chipotle lime marinade, fyi.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Jealous! I have a ton of recipes I want to try but have some odd ingredient you can only get in job lots of fifty or whatever,

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Two days at home with my husband following a very useful virtual training, followed up one day by a post-work skate and the other a post-work ski! We’re having such a good winter here after several disappointing ones!

    4. old curmudgeon*

      I have to say that the cuddle puddle in the photo on this thread made me pretty darned joyful just now – what an amazing bunch of felines Alison has!

      1. RLC*

        Same here! Alison’s trio is modeling “agreeably sharing” what appears to be a heated pad; our cat crew would be modeling “feline territorial behavior” for that pad. I need to show them this as proof that cats can indeed share a comfy spot without slapping of paws and munching of ears.

      5. Isabel Archer*

        Same. The fact that 2 of them are “holding paws” is well above the legal limit for heartwarming.

    5. ThatGirl*

      We adopted a new dog last April and he’s been to a new to us groomer 3 times now. He’s very sweet but can be mouthy (young, and we’re working on it) so I was a little worried about how he’d act at the groomer. But when I picked him up today I was told they “just love him!” Made my dog mom heart proud.

    6. Karriegrace*

      Buffalo is a SHEET of ice after freezing rain. But I just got crampons! They’re amazing! I walked all over the neighborhood with them. No slipping at all. Its like magic.

      Oh and Josh Allen won MVP.

      1. GoryDetails*

        What kind of crampons did you get? I have the Yaktrax slip-on cleats, which have been very helpful indeed.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I tried a new salon and got a really good haircut–I felt like the stylist both listened to me before the haircut, and checked in midway in a useful way.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Trying out this new one pot burrito casserole that is all sloppy and cheesy and the definition of comfort food. Can’t wait to dive in after my shift.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s super simple, which is another thing I love about it! This serves 8 (it’s easy to halve for 4 servings as well)

          You will need a large, deep sided skillet or Dutch oven.

          2 lbs ground beef
          2 packages taco seasoning
          1 1/3 cups water
          2 cans black beans, rinsed and drained
          2 cups salsa of choice (I used some leftover black bean salsa and some regular mild)
          1 package of eight 8″ flour tortillas, cut into thin strips
          2 cups grated Mexican cheese

          Cook ground beef n medium-high heat until browned through. Drain excess fat (I buy low fat ground beef so I skip this step) and return to skillet.

          Add taco seasoning and water, cook and stir until mixed through and simmering.
          Add beans and salsa. Stir and cook until mixed and bubbling.

          Add tortilla strips (make sure they aren’t stuck together) and cheese, stirring until strips are mixed through and cheese melts. Turn heat to low, cover, and let sit five minutes.

          Serve with toppings of choice (sour cream, guac, you name it) and tortilla chips.

          This is a very easy recipe to add things into, so it’s great for absorbing that half an onion or part bag of frozen corn, as well!

    9. Knighthope*

      My amaryllis bloomed from two buds! The variety is “Double Dragon,” but it should be called “Triple” because there’s a third bud coming up!

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have an old Edwardian building that’s three stories converted into five apartments. My place is small and I deliberately don’t have houseplants. A year and a half ago, my brother and sister-in-law were visiting and bought me a cyclamen plant as a thank you. I put it on a little table on the second-floor landing between my apartment and my neighbor’s and adjacent to a window. To my amazement, it’s been blooming almost continuously in its little pot with no maintenance other than watering and rotating it a couple times a week.

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Another session of improv classes started last week through the local parks and rec and it’s making my Tuesday nights a high point of the week. I’ve been taking these six-week sessions every time they’re offered since my first intro classes last January. It’s a weekly dose of energy, spontaneity, and laughing out loud, sometimes so hard I cry. Much needed joy! And it brings out a silly, goofy part of me that mostly doesn’t come out to play the rest of the time. This particular round we’re all women or non-binary, which gives it a special kind of energy we all love.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I finished the Regency dress I was working on for a friend, and she is just tickled with it. Then I actually had time to finish remaking my own dress, which I had cut apart and altered from an earlier attempt. I am really pleased with how it turned out.

      We are wearing them tomorrow for an event with the local Jane Austen society. Can’t wait!

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        ooh… please report back on the experience of wearing your Regency dresses. What kind of fabric did you use? They are so, so different from contemporary Western clothing (in my case, comfy shirts, sweaters, jeans, and slip-on shoes). Also, how do women stay warm in them in the cooler seasons?

        1. RagingADHD*

          Same way women have kept warm in many different fashion periods. Regency day dresses could also have long sleeves and / or be made of wool, they had shawls and coats and muffs.

          However, it was 75F here today, so plenty warm enough for short sleeves.

          Mine is made from upcycled bedsheets because they had a great pattern (and I was able to do some cool pattern matching). My friend’s was a solid cotton voile that I lined with muslin because she didn’t want to wear petticoats and things.

          I find them very comfortable, similar to wearing a maxi dress. I don’t have any historical style boots, so I just wore ballet flats.

          I’m hoping to do a really proper ensemble for a ball later in the spring, with stays and a silk gown. I bought a vintage sari for it last year, but have been too scared to cut into it. Fingers crossed!

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Thanks for your explanation! Somehow I had the totally inacurate notion that the dresses were only made of thin cotton. Good wishes for your work with the vintage sari. I hope you had a great time at your Jane Austen event yesterday. :-)

            1. RagingADHD*

              There definitely were lots of fashion plates (and satire) from the period showing scandalously sheer muslin dresses, and museum pieces of very light floaty cottons, linens, and silks! And commentary from the period about young ladies catching their death of cold by refusing to wear practical dresses (in the familiar vein of “those silly women have no common sense with their vanity”) It’s even referenced in Austen (Jane Bennet and Marianne Dashwood being bedridden with fever after being caught in the rain) and a funny moment in 2020 Emma when Anya Taylor-Joy is preheating her undercarriage to stave off the chilly spring weather.

              But cotton was an imported luxury item, and the practical options were there, too.

    13. Evvy*

      I went to the used bookstore and found exactly the book I had gone looking for (as well as some others I hadn’t been looking for… :D) !

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I just started In Praise of Good Bookstores, and it defines serendipity as the discovery of something useful while on the hunt for something else.

            1. Jean (just Jean)*

              I found a CD with the music of Telecaster electric guitarist and singer Bill Kirchen in a thrift store. There’s some awesome used stuff out there.

              1. Falling Diphthong*

                What struck me was the aspect of being actively seeking something. It’s not serendipitous if it just shows up when you weren’t looking for anything.

                1. Evvy*

                  Yes… it seems to imply a sort of, “seek and ye shall find — maybe not exactly what you were expecting — but the act of seeking in itself, of Going Looking as opposed to sitting around waiting, is still meaningful”

      2. Guinea pig*

        If you go into a used bookstore and don’t come out with books you weren’t looking for…. did you really visit a used bookstore? :)

    15. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Cat got on the work laptop of husband unit during a conference call and subjected them all to Kitty Opera.

    16. The Prettiest Curse*

      The Premier League team that I support finally signed 2 defenders, after the unusual strategy of having a grand total of one defender on the team landed us just above the relegation zone.

      Oh, and I thought I knew all the walking trails in my local nature reserve, but this week I discovered two new ones!

    17. allathian*

      My cousin and his wife welcomed their second child this week. The whole extended family is so happy for them.

    18. Paris Geller*

      I’m getting a new couch delivered today! We’ve been without anything except fold out chairs in our living room for month because our last couch broke (beyond repair, broke-broke-broke. I even had someone look at it and there was no fixing it). I’m so excited to finally be able to relax in my living room again.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Ohhh, been there! When we first moved to our current digs (years ago now) we ditched our old shredded couch and ordered a new one. It took FOREVER to show up, and then wouldn’t fit through the door enough to be able to get it into our living room! So we had to send it back and order another on, meanwhile sitting on kitchen chairs or the floor, ugh.

        It’s so great to have a proper stretch-out sofa again after that.

    20. Atheist Nun*

      I ran upstairs to catch the subway home last night, and the train cars doors were about to close. I was preemptively disappointed because I did not relish the thought of waiting on the cold outdoor platform for the next train–but then someone exiting the car held the door open for me so that I could board. The person did not look at me or say anything; I guess they just saw someone running for the train and did what they could to help. Making the train, thanks to a fellow passenger, filled me with joy.

      I thought it was such a lovely gesture and so different from my last subway experience, which involved listening to a passenger yell about how all the dirty immigrants need to be sent back where they belong. This is NY, so many of the other riders, including myself, were immigrants.

      Sometimes I am so UP TO HERE with this town, and then moments like last night make me love living here.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        The bad scenario you describe was the subject of a story on The Moth Radio Hour today that made me tear up. Search for the story by Onnesha Roychoudhuri in the “Saving Graces” episode.

    21. Might Be Spam*

      Awhile back, I almost bought an ethnic cookbook at a festival. I decided not to because a friend told me I could get it a lot cheaper somewhere else. Well, I never found it again and every once in a while I try to find it, but without any luck.
      This week I helped an elderly friend with her computer and she’s in the process of downsizing. She gave me a brand new copy of the cookbook.
      She didn’t know that I was looking for it. She had bought it and never used it, so she had it on top of a giveaway pile and offered it to me. I’m thrilled to finally have the cookbook and she’s happy that someone valued it. Downsizing is harder when you realize that nobody wants your stuff, so it’s nice that we are both happy about the cookbook.

      1. Clisby*

        My daughter’s a grad student, and one of her friends had an elderly neighbor who was downsizing. They were friendly, and the neighbor offered her a *complete* set of china, including tea service. All she asked was that at least once a year my daughter’s friend would hold an actual tea party and send pictures. She has faithfully done that for several years now – she provides the china cups/saucers/plates, hot water, and a supply of teas. My daughter and other invitees bring the food – little sandwiches, deviled eggs, cheese straws, cookies, that kind of thing. They all love it.

    22. GoryDetails*

      I just refilled the seed and suet and peanut feeders in my yard, and the birds seem to have been waiting for it – they’re swarming! (There is a snowstorm coming in later tonight, which might be encouraging them to grab all the “easy” food they can find, but whatever it is, I’m happy to see them.)

    23. Hotdog not dog*

      I restarted a beginners knitting class. I took one in the winter of 2020, but in the interim chaos could not remember how to cast on, so the skill got lost in the shuffle. I’m looking forward to practicing while the rest of my family watches football on Sunday.

    24. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I found my phone hiding in the car under the seat after thinking I’d lost it in a parking lot somewhere in town. I love the site Find My Phone, and the fact I still have a landline to check where the ring is to narrow it down.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Isn’t that the best, when the temporarily vanished mobile phone reappears?

        Also, welcome to my world!! I also use my landline to call my cell phone. On a really disorganized day, I start the process by pressing the button on the landline cradle to locate one of the actual landline phones.

      2. allathian*

        I have my personal phone number on my work phone and vice versa for just this reason. That said, one thing I love about my Samsung smart watch is that I can use it to find my phone.

    25. Dancing Otter*

      I had (previously delayed by illness) cataract surgery Wednesday, and already my “upgraded” eye is seeing better than the other. I was told it would take at least a week or two to clear, so this is a very good thing™️.

      Further, I was scared about being awake during the procedure, but the worst of it was the eyedrops stinging.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Congratulations, Dancing Otter—and isn’t the difference amazing? I’m coming up on three years since having cataract removal from both eyes, and every day I still celebrate it; I think it’s one of the three best things I’ve ever done for myself. Enjoy!

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Congrats! Isn’t it wonderful?
        I wish they would tell you beforehand that you can’t see anything during the procedure, but aside from that, it’s fantastic.

    26. :D*

      I have told my partner I love them back for the first time today!!!!!!! (They said it first a little while ago, and I just needed a bit of time to get there too haha)

    27. Angstrom*

      Went downhill skiing for the first time in 30+ years. Great day! Was nervous leading up to it and before the first run but the new equipment makes it much easier, and it all came back. Small local ski area so no big crowds or big costs. Enjoyed all of it — the chair rides up, the feel of linking turns, the lodge scene, watching the fearless kids zooming around.
      It’s not too late!

    28. Andromeda*

      It was my dance teacher’s birthday so a bunch of us got cake, wine and gifts for her. Well it turned out multiple people had the same idea so she got THREE BIRTHDAY CAKES. I painted a shirt for her too, which is the first time I’ve set aside time for that hobby since I was home for Christmas.

    29. Chauncy Gardener*

      We’re having a big wonderful snow storm right now and I love it! I don’t have any where I have to be, so I can just enjoy the snow.

    30. carcinization*

      Went to a Filipino restaurant in the nearby large city and it was great! I’ve had Filipino snacks and desserts before but never a full meal, and now I don’t know why I waited so long!

    31. GoryDetails*

      Hearing from an old friend after 10 or 15 years of radio silence. (He’s never been good at staying in touch, doesn’t text or use social media, but my sister found him via a snail-mail letter and he wrote back with a delightful and lengthy letter of his own.)

    32. Snow is better than rain*

      We finally got a few inches of snow, and I raced out early with my kids to squeeze in some sledding before we had to be at a cousin’s engagement party, which was also a joyful event!

  4. Cabbagepants*

    Do you have a favorite recipe that you personally created or perfected? I’ve build a recipe for tender chicken-style seitan that even my meat-and-potatoes relatives rave about. Decent seitan is very hard to find where I live so I make this at least once a week.

    1 15oz can white beans, including liquid
    4 T water
    1 T oil
    1 t MSG or salt
    1 small onion, chopped coarse
    2 cloves garlic
    1 T soy sauce
    Bouillon for 1 cup broth (e.g. 1 t “Better than Bouillon)
    2 T nutritional yeast
    375 g (around 3 cups) vital wheat gluten

    Puree all ingredients besides gluten. Put liquid in a large bowl and then mix in gluten. Stir to combine and then knead until very bouncy (3 minutes by kitchenaide or 10 minutes by hand). Wrap in aluminum foil. Put steamer basket and enough water to just reach basket into Instapot, then put in wrapped dough. Pressure cook on high for 45 minutes. When done, release pressure and carefully shred the seitan, still hot, with two forks. Sautee in abundant butter or olive oil.

    1. AG*

      Ooh, these sound good!! I’m making seitan wings this weekend (didn’t create the recipe, Rabbits & Wolves did, but have altered it).

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I came up with a pork and black bean stew recipe about a year ago, and after a fair bit of tweaking, I think it’s finally where I want it to be. It’s scaled for exactly two servings and goes together in an hour or less, so it’s ideal for my spouse and me. I’m not usually the one in our household who develops recipes, but I’m pretty proud of this one.

    3. theinone*

      I usually just follow recipes but I have a lentil soup thing I make that takes care of dinner for a full week (or more if I’m not particularly hungry). And it’s really cheap and doesn’t take a lot of bulky ingredients- great for me, a college student who bikes to the grocery store!

      1 onion
      Jarred garlic (jarlic)
      1 can tomato sauce
      Water
      2 carrots
      1 pound bag of lentils
      Stuff that makes it taste good (bullion powder, garlic powder, worcestershire sauce, italian seasoning, soy sauce, pepper, etc… this is personal preference but what I’ve listed is what I like)
      1 bag spinach
      Lemon pepper
      That parmesan that comes in the green container (shakey cheese)

      Chop and cook the onion until translucent in a big pot, add jarlic and cook until it smells good
      Once it’s browning add the can of tomato sauce and like 4 cans of water
      Chop the carrots into half-moons and add them
      Add the lentils
      Add your stuff that tastes good
      Simmer until lentils are soft (add more water as needed, if you think it needs it)
      Add a whole bag of washed spinach
      Cook until the spinach is small
      Serve with lemon pepper and shakey cheese

      It’s naturally vegetarian (vegan if you use veggie bullion and omit shakey cheese) but you could also add like frozen meatballs or cooked Italian sausage or sweet potatoes or whatever you think tastes good. Takes about an hour to make but most of that time is just the lentils getting soft which just takes some occasional stirring.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve reworked How To Cook Everything’s spaghetti sauce until it’s pretty much mine–I eliminated the carrots and celery and layer on the spices with a lavish hand. The big trio of ingredients that take it over the top are ginger (minced and lots of powdered as well) bacon, and cream. You cook the bacon first, but set it aside and don’t put it back in the sauce until the last fifteen minutes of simmering (otherwise it turns to leather.)

      Husband adores this and wants me to make it every week.

    6. Aphrodite*

      It took about ten years to perfect my gazpacho recipe butI am so proud of it. It is soooo delicious. I wish I could live on it alone during warm weather.

      I also have a salsa recipe that begins with the Salsa Especial at Trader Joe’s, the medium heat. (Alas, they do not sell any hotter version.) I take four or five of those containers, pour them into a large mixing bowl and add fresh minced garlic, garlic powder, salt, the zest and juice of 2-3 limes, a big lunch of chopped cilantro leaves, minced fresh chilis (any kind but I favor serrano, jalapeno, and even habanero), a bit of cumin, and a bit of either za’atar or Urfa Biber. There’s no measuring so it never taste exactly the same. The idea is to make it hot but not too hot where the only “flavor” is heat. You want to taste the various flavors. Be sure to let it meld for several hours or overnight. It will be much thicker than other salsas,

    7. CityMouse*

      I created a tofu peanut stir fry to get my kid to eat more vegetables.

      My ratatouille recipe is also more or less my own take on it (I pre bake some of the vegetables), but I’ll be honest that I’m a “use what I have around” cook and anything produce heavy naturally varies anyway.

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        Back when we had a big garden, no kids, and neighbors who donated some garden space on our lot line with the provision that we plant eggplant and share with them, we absolutely lived off of ratatouille for a month or two during the summer. It was amazing. Fresh veggies to use? Throw ’em all in!

    8. anonymous anteater*

      I have a “collage-recipe” of mine. The flavor inspiration is from a passion fruit flavored chocolate bar that I got on vacation and have never since seen again.
      I wanted to recreate this flavor combo in a dessert, so I put together a homemade passion fruit coulis with a store bought pie crust, and vegan chocolate filling that I found on a blog. It’s pretty dang good

    9. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Beefy, dirty rice.

      Make a cup dry of rice in rice cooker (turns out be more than that amount of rice when cooked). One can canned roast beef. One can beefy mushroom soup. Put newly cooked rice out while hot, mix with the can of roast beef and gravy and the beefy mushroom soup. Throw some Worcestershire sauce for extra flavor. Yes, it’s kind of a 1950’s recipe, but it feeds a *lot* of people.

    10. Andromeda*

      Not really a recipe, but I love my blow-your-head-off spicy peanut noodles. Spring onion, any veggies or seafood you have, more garlic than you think you need, ginger in any form (pureed fresh is the best for convenience/taste), soy sauce, fish sauce (optional), miso paste, lemon juice, some kind of chilli product (I usually use habanero flakes), peanut butter, add some noodle water to help it come together and to reduce the amount of peanut butter you need to add for a creamy texture. Goes best with a noodle that stands up to a heavy sauce and toppings — I love udon or even spaghetti for it. I’ve tried it with rice noodles too but it goes a bit sludgy.

  5. Wellie*

    I recently said “to heck with keto,” and I am having my first potato chips in almost a year.

    Anyone else just say, “nah, bro”?

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Pretty much to the idea of not eating crap–I’ve been eating a lot of comfort candy.

      1. Wellie*

        I was not able to completely give up candy! I just cut way, way back. Like, one square of chocolate was my serving. Now I have a couple squares. It is kind of comforting to have a little something yummy.

    2. Busy Middle Manager*

      Absolutely! A couple of years ago. It initially worked in the sense that it was an elimination diet for me, but then it spiked up my cholesterol and irritated my upper GI consistently.

      I felt it only worked when I did one meal a day or fasting. Doing 3 meals and snacking on keto just overloads the body IME and made me groggy

      No clue how this became the generally accepted “healthy” diet. TBF I don’t encounter many protein deficient people in this country. It’s kind of weird to see people who eat meat once or twice a day talking about how they need to add protein to their diet. Feels like a fad. I think the bigger switch some people need is to add in more fruit and veggies to things and replace some carbs with veggies, or just lower sugar intake, but the whole war on carbs seems misguided. Just my opinion/experience though

      1. Rage*

        Our bodies need carbs. Carbs first thing in the morning will actually “jump start” your brain (get those cognitive processes going).

        1. Wellie*

          Funny that you mention the brain – I was doing this for the purported effects of sending ketones rather than glucose to your brain for nutrition. The original keto diet with 70% calories from fat was developed to manage epilepsy, so the anecdotal evidence surrounding the impact of a keto diet to certain brain functions was plausible enough to me for me to try it. If there was any effect for me, it was small, and I’m just tired of having to restrict my diet at this point.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Whenever a diet comes along that decides a whole category of foods like carbs or fats is The Enemy, I know to ignore it. Unless you are on a specific diet for a medical condition (some very rare brain damage, for instance, is caused by a metabolism deficiency that requires extremely restricted eating) just eliminating all carbs or all fats or all fruit or whatever is more damaging than helpful.

        2. Zweisatz*

          Funny you should mention it, given that Keto is a medical diet only intended for children with treatment-resistant epilepsy that is supposed to be administered under nutritional supervision.

      3. Wellie*

        The average American diet is simply not protein deficient. I eat mostly plant-based and I probably could stand, now that I’m middle-aged, to increase my protein some. However, you don’t have to eliminate carbs in order to increase protein.

      4. The Person from the Resume*

        Eh, I work out pretty hard. Got some nutrition coaching and got told to eat a lot more protein to build muscle.

        My bad is that I’d eat 1-2 servings of protein and still be pretty hungry and eat 4-6 servings of carbs and some fruits and veggies.

        I suspect the general American problem is too many carbs and sugars, not protein.

    3. Sassafras*

      I tried keto for a month. my cholesterol, heart rate, and BP spiked and I also didn’t lose any weight. I kept my carbs at the lower end, 20 or 40 I forget which since it’s been a couple of years.

      I mentioned this to a keto prostetizer at work and they were like. you must have been doing it wrong! I explained that no, I was following an Dr. prescribed meal plan full of low or no processed foods, healthy fats like avocado, and a couple of cups of spinach/zucchini uonto my cab limit.

      The guy literally went – aha! There’s your problem! Um no my 2 cups of spinach was not the culprit of spiking my blood pressure dude.

      1. Wellie*

        Yes,I am worried about cholesterol and BP. Both of those were heading north for me just due to the natural outcome of middle age and a mostly sedentary lifestyle. I haven’t actually been to a doctor for blood work in the time period that I am doing this, not because I am avoiding them, just life getting in the way, and I really do wonder what kind of numbers I would have seen. I really do need to get to the doctor soon since it has been so long. Hopefully returning to a lower saturated fat lifestyle will mean that at least I just have normal high cholesterol and BP.

      2. Anon for This Reply*

        I tried Atkins for about three months several years ago and lost 30 lbs. the only problem was that when I started adding in more carbs, I had terrible diarrhea that would not go away. Dr. said I had messed up my microbiome by being on restricted carbs for too long. Took about two months of eating correctly to get back on track. Not a healthy way to lose weight.

        1. Wellie*

          My high fat keto secret is creme fraiche–adds fat, helps the digestive track!
          I got all paranoid about fiber, too, going from a vegetable and bean heavy diet to a vegetable and bean light diet. So I added fermentable fiber in, which is a pre-biotic.
          Between the creme fraiche and the added fiber, my GI tract stayed healthy.

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Yep, about 15 years ago I was fully into the fatfree diet and did that (and as I was The Family Cook, so did all of us) for maybe 5 years. Eventually I felt dubious about it being such a great idea and started adding oil, whole-fat dairy, and other natural fats back to my/our diets. I’m not sure what effect any of that had on my health either way, but food really tasted a lot better afterwards :)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        How was your memory after you added fats back in? I’ve read ultra low fat diets can mess with it.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          I don’t recall what happened after I went back to a more balanced diet. Also, I was going through menopause at that time which was really messing with my brain and I can’t separate that out as a factor.

    5. Potatohead*

      I tried Atkins a while back but it just wasn’t financially sustainable to me at the time (plus I am part Italian and removing bread/pasta from my life was soul torture).

      For the last two years I’ve been following the much simpler option of keeping to a calorie budget+modest exercise, and it’s been far more effective.

    6. dapfloodle*

      Well, the grocery stores around me have stopped carrying baked Ruffles, at least in any variety other than Sour Cream & Cheddar (which I don’t mind, but my male counterpart does), so we’re back to buying full-fat potato chips after a hiatus of many years. I eat potato chips twice a month at most, and I’d say maybe a cup of them on those occasions, so I’m hoping for not too much impact to overall health.

      1. Wellie*

        I looooove potato chips. I don’t eat them often, but it’s a real treat when I do. I needed to try the Lay’s All Dressed that debuted in the US.

  6. Ginger Cat Lady*

    What’s your best recommendation for the dry, chapped, cracking skin of winter? My hands are killing me and I need a good lotion/salve or something.

    1. Morning Reader*

      Eucerin for me. There was a thread last week or two ago with some excellent other recommendations.

      1. Wellie*

        Was going to say! I buy the Rich Creme for Very Dry, Compromised Skin. It’s like half petroleum products, and a little goes a long, long way.

        If petroleum products aren’t your thing, I love my Nivea Cocoa Butter lotion.

      2. wkfauna*

        I do Eucerin Dry Skin Intensive 5% urea hand cream. I get it on Amazon. It’s the only thing that’s ever helped my poor sensitive little hands and it’s like magic. Doesn’t even feel particularly greasy.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      I recently did Vaseline and gloves overnight for a few nights, which made a huge, quick difference. Now I’m using Vaseline Deep Restore lotion regularly so I don’t have to go drastic again.

      3. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Seconding this, vaseline and gloves are the only thing that help me! I don’t have any skin allergies but when my hands are chapped every single lotion I’ve tried stings and burns so badly I have to wash it off.

      4. An Australian in London*

        I had some fairly severe contact dermatitis that I’d tried everything for: leaving it alone, and every potion and unguent under the sun.

        Finally went to a dermatologist. They said yeah just use regular Vaseline. I did; it was resolved swiftly; it has not recurred. Vaseline also deals with every other skin issue I have that is some variant of dry/cracked/chapped/flaky/irritated/sensitive.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      I’ve asked several doctors for suggestions, and they all recommended Aquaphor, which is similar to Vaseline but has some additional ingredients. As long as I use it every night before I go to bed, I can avoid skin cracks.

      1. No name yet*

        +1 to Aquaphor. Recommended by our pediatrician to help with diaper rash, and has been our go-to for winter hands.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      Drink more water. Use a humidifier in your home. Turn down central heating and/or crack open a window.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Those are good tips for overall dry skin but dry hands often come from a lot of washing in hot water, soap, rough towels etc. which the weather makes worse.

    7. osmoglossum*

      Porter’s Lotion — it’s a liquid, non-greasy lotion that actually heals the skin. It’s amazing stuff.

      1. Just a name*

        Second O’Keefe’s Working Hands. Not just for hands. Not greasy. Almost a protective barrier. I do use Burt’s Bee’s cuticle ointment as well.

        1. Miss Buttons*

          I’ll third O’Keeffe’s Working Hands hand cream. Works like magic, better than everything else I’ve tried, and I’ve tried them all. Also wearing rubber gloves while washing dishes, brushing my teeth and cleaning makes a big difference in the winter.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Yup, love O’Keeffe’s! If you ever can’t find the hand one, the foot one has the same ingredients, I think, but maybe in a slightly higher concentration.

            1. Dancing Otter*

              Yes, I use the Healthy Feet more than the Working Hands version. Softens up my scaly elbows a fair treat.

      2. Dry Hands*

        I do pottery which contributes to very dry hands and my cuticles are always terrible. I recently picked up a little green tub of OKeefes Working Hands cream and it’s magic. I keep it on my desk and apply just to cuticles, fingers and backs of the hands a couple times a day and it is working wonders.

    11. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Nivea Essentially Enriched lotion with almond oil. My Mom lived to 97 and had skin that looked 20 years more more younger. I started using it after she died and it does wonders for my dry skin. it says it’s body lotion, but I use it on my face in heavy furnace weather; you just have to let it absorb a while before applying any cosmetics.

    13. Turtle Dove*

      Curel is my go-to, particularly the fragrance-free kind. I started using it in the 80s after our elderly neighbor told me it was the only hand lotion that worked for her. I like to wet my hands before I use it to lock in extra moisture, although that’s a bit of a mess. P.S. I’m a ginger cat lady too!

    14. Our Lady of Shining Eels*

      CeraVe Intensive Moisturizing Lotion. I’m currently bereft since I left it at work and I’m at home.

    17. Rage*

      Neutrogena Norwegian formula hand cream. It’s very thick, you don’t need much, so the little tube lasts a good while. It’s the only hand cream I use.

    18. librarian*

      Waleda Orignal Ultra-Rich Skin Food is awesome if you don’t mind the smell. I like it, it’s almost herbal and makes me feel like I’m at a spa. You can get it at drugstores. A little pricey for a drugstore item but my god is it THICK.

      1. librarian*

        and you can use it anywhere. I love using it for my face before bed when I want a really thick, moisturizing skin mask, but it’s great for hands/elbows/feet etc.

    19. Hanani*

      I have eczema, and mine is more of a routine than a specific brand:

      1. Lotion on my hands every time I wash them (I like Gold Bond Healing but anything that’s thin enough to soak in relatively quickly)

      2. Wear winter gloves/mittens outside whenever it’s cold or dry

      3. Wear rubber gloves to wash the dishes

      4. Use a super thick cream (I use Eucerin) with socks on my hands at night.

      If I’m faithful with 1-3, I can often forego 4.

    20. Jackalope*

      First Aid Beauty – they’re a bit expensive, but their ultra hydration repair cream is amazing. When I buy a jar it lasts for months, so my experience is that it’s comparable to moderately priced lotions that you need more of to work. And one of the big things I love about it is that it doesn’t leave my hands feeling greasy.

    21. Boggle*

      Aside from the great recommendations for lotions/salves, are you also drinking enough water and do you have a humidifier in your home?

    22. Nonbinary Pal*

      Pure shea butter. I massage it into my cuticles after I wash my hands and then rub my hands together to evenly distribute. Since it’s unscented and absorbs pretty well my husband uses it because his hands get really cracked. In deep winter I put it on my whole body after a shower. Way less greasy than vaseline and also not petroleum-based, but it’s not as occlusive so you’re not going to get results as quickly if you’re trying to correct mega-dry skin. The alaffia jar of shea butter is like $20 and lasts forever.

    23. Retired But Still Herding Cats*

      I recently saw something called Working Hands recommended on a postal workers’ subreddit. I ordered some and have been impressed with it!

  8. Skytext*

    Has anybody seen Ben Askins videos on Facebook? At first I liked them, but now I realize he is just stealing AAM letters! First there was the one about the boss who fired any employee who wouldn’t agree to be tested as a liver donor for his brother, then today there was the one about the boss who made an employee leave a letter on the grave of a relative of an employee who was out on bereavement leave.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I can report those for copyright violations and have them taken down — are you able to link me directly to them? (I looked at his page and couldn’t easily find them.)

      2. Skytext*

        I’m sorry, I can’t figure out how to do that. But I went to his page and one letter is the most recent post and the other is a few posts down. They are captioned “Worst Boss “2” and “ Worst Boss #3”.

          1. Indolent Libertine*

            Is there anything else your readership can do that would be helpful? Or would you like us to stay out of the way and just let you handle it? I know that only the rights owner can assert an intellectual property violation on FB.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Thanks for asking! I’ve already talked to him and he’s going to remove the two videos in question on Monday; he received the content submitted to him by readers so didn’t realize it was from AAM. He was super responsive.

              2. Venus*

                Oh, I guess it’s the rationale that sometimes people submit questions to multiple advice columns, though in this case someone read yours and then submitted that question as their own to another columnist. I can completely understand how he’d never think to check! Glad to know that he’s responsive.

  9. Robin's sister*

    I belong to a senior center that, among other things, takes us on bus trips to shopping malls or Walmart on Wednesdays (but not every Wednesday). I was pleased to see that in January, we were going to the Henderson Mall on the 15th, the Dawson Mall on the 22nd, and the Sturgis Mall on the 29th. I really wanted to go to the Sturgis Mall, because I had a number of watches that needed new batteries, and I really like the people who work at a store there. I signed up to go to the Henderson Mall and the Sturgis Mall.

    On January 15, when I got out of the bus, I was surprised to see that we were at the Sturgis Mall, not the Henderson Mall. I asked the driver, “Weren’t we supposed to go to the Henderson Mall today?” She insisted that we were supposed to go to the Sturgis Mall. I didn’t want to start a fight, so I said, “Okay. I guess I was wrong.” So I was at the Sturgis Mall without my watches. And I was afraid that on January 29, we would go to the Henderson Mall instead of the Sturgis Mall, and I didn’t know when I’d get back to the Sturgis Mall with my watches.

    On the way home, the driver admitted that she had taken us to the wrong mall, and she said, “We’ll go to the Henderson Mall next Wednesday!” I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t think that that was a good idea, because the people who would get on the bus on January 22, expecting to go to the Dawson Mall, might not be happy to wind up at the Henderson Mall. And a lot of people don’t like the Henderson Mall. And if the driver wound up driving to the Henderson Mall on January 29, people expecting to go to the Sturgis Mall would not be happy, because, as I said, a lot of people don’t like the Henderson Mall.

    Afterwards, I told Diane, the dispatcher, that we had been taken to the wrong mall, and that the driver had announced that we would go to the Henderson Mall the following week, and I wasn’t sure that that would work out. Diane told me to let the head of the Transportation Dept. know about this.

    So I notified the head of the Transportation Dept. and asked that it be mentioned in our Sunday newsletter exactly which mall we would be going to on January 22 and 29. The newsletter said that even though there had been a mix-up on January 15, we would follow the schedule and go to the Dawson Mall on January 22 and the Sturgis Mall on January 29. The February schedule was already set, but we would go to the Henderson Mall in March. So I went to the Sturgis Mall on January 29 with my watches.

    The driver was extremely nasty to me on January 29. She claimed that I wasn’t on the list of people who had signed up to go to the mall that day. I always make a written list of the days I want a bus ride, and I get a copy from Diane after she enters my rides into the computer. I tried to show the driver my copy to prove that I had signed up for the trip, but she refused to look at my list She grudgingly let me board the bus. Afterwards, I told Diane that the driver had refused to look at my list. Diane said that the driver had been rude to me.

    On February 5, when we went to the Campbell Mall, the driver was nasty to me again, but she did acknowledge that I was on the list of people who had signed up to go to the mall. I think she is angry at me for telling Diane and the head of Transportation Department that she had taken us to the wrong mall and for telling Diane that she (the driver) had refused to look at my list. What should I have done? Should I have said nothing and pretended that we went to the correct mall? If I hadn’t said anything, and if the driver took the people to the wrong mall the following Wednesday, what would have happened? And what can I do so that the driver isn’t nasty to me any longer?

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Yes! As your story shows, people plan trips to different malls based on what ships there are. Also, what if someone went on a trip meaning to meet up with a friend or relative?

      2. WellRed*

        Also reading more of these posts, maybe your concerns/complaints need to be made to the senior center head, rather than transportation.

        1. Robin's sister*

          Last summer, both Jim, the head of the Transportation Dept., and Fran, the Director of the senior center, retired. Harriet, who was the township social worker, applied for the job of being the Director of the senior center and was hired. Unfortunately, in an outrageous bait and switch, TPTB decided that Harriet would have to do all three jobs. They claim that there is a hiring freeze. This makes absolutely no sense to me, because if Jim and Fran hadn’t retired, they would still be working there AND they would still be getting paid And Harriet would still be getting paid for being the social worker. So the money is there.

          So Harriet is the head of the Transportation Dept. and the Director of the senior center, in addition to being the social worker. I don’t know how she feels about this, but I am furious on her behalf. Another employee at the senior center had applied for the job of being the Director and was obviously rejected. I wonder if she thinks that she dodged a bullet.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Ugh, that’s one of the oldest “penny wise, pound foolish” moves out there –just have one person do all three jobs!

            Keep complaining. As long as TPTB think everything’s “fine,” they won’t do anything to change matters. But things are not fine; you are not getting the services they contracted to provide.

            1. Robin's sister*

              Unfortunately, I don’t know who TPTB are, so the only complaining I do is to other members of the senior center, who all say that eventually the hiring freeze will be over, and they will hire a new head of the Transportation Dept. and a new social worker. I keep saying that Harriet got a dirty deal, but no one agrees with me. I can’t really discuss this with Harriet (or with Diane, who also has to work harder in her attempt to do the part of Jim’s job that Harriet doesn’t have time to do).

              1. dapfloodle*

                I am pretty sure that “TPTB” stands for “The Powers That Be,” though I have never seen that initialism before.

                1. Robin's sister*

                  I guess my comment wasn’t very clear. I already knew what TPTB stands for. What I didn’t (and still don’t) know is the names of the people who form TPTB. I’ve already discussed this with Harriet, who is the head of the Transportation Dept. and the Director of the senior center, but I don’t know the names of the people that she reports to.

              2. Sara K*

                Who funds the senior centre? Is it your local government? If so you can complain to them and/or your local elected representative. Even if they aren’t responsible as a constituent they will try to help you sort out the problem, which in this case seems to be that there aren’t enough staff at the senior centre.

                1. Robin's sister*

                  I suppose it’s funded by the local government, because there is no charge to become a member of our senior center, but I really don’t want to contact the mayor about this. And even though Harriet has to do three jobs, I don’t think that’s the problem, meaning that the problem was that the driver took us to the wrong shopping mall. I figure she would have taken us to the wrong shopping mall even if Jim was still the head of the Transportation Dept. and even if Fran was still the Director of the senior center and even if Harriet was the social worker.

    2. Reba*

      “And what can I do so that the driver isn’t nasty to me any longer?”
      Probably nothing, unfortunately, but to continue to report back to her supervisor about her behavior towards you. The way she is acting is not your fault.

      1. RLC*

        My first thought is that the driver may also be exhibiting ageist behavior: 1) expecting the passengers to be quietly compliant and grateful to be transported, and 2) assuming (inappropriately!!!) that senior center residents are forgetful and won’t recall which trip they signed up for. Angry when she gets called out on her bad behavior and wrong assumptions. Nasty and ageist too, what a horrid combination of traits.
        LW is doing the right thing, keep reporting driver back to her supervisor.

        1. Robin's sister*

          “grateful to be transported”

          It’s funny that you say that, because my cousin (who is a senior citizen living in another state and whose senior center is nowhere as good as mine is) told me that I should appreciate the fact that my senior center is so wonderful (which it is) and I should be grateful to be taken anywhere. I tried asking her how she would like it if she signed up for a bus trip to go somewhere and wound up in an entirely different place, but I couldn’t get through to her, since she doesn’t go on bus trips.

          “assuming (inappropriately!!!) that senior center residents are forgetful and won’t recall which trip they signed up for.”

          Unfortunately, that happens to be true (most of the time) in this case. Most of the people who go on bus trips to shopping malls (because they don’t drive) don’t speak or understand English at all. That is because where I live, there are a lot of young people originally from a foreign country where English is not spoken, and their parents (from that foreign country) visit them for most of the year, and the senior center allows those parents to become members.

          All of the passengers on the trip that wound up at the Sturgis Mall by mistake were these parents (who had no idea that they were at the wrong mall), with the exception of three of us – a woman originally from a different foreign country who spoke very little English, a woman originally from the USA who has some brain damage from a stroke, and me.

          What’s funny is that in December, we boarded the bus for a trip to Delicious Orchards (not a pseudonym), and some of the parents from the foreign country started screaming because they thought that we were going to Von Thun Farm (not a pseudonym). The driver tried to calm them down and asked a woman who spoke their language to explain to them that the trip was supposed to go to Delicious Orchards. The woman just stared blankly, because she didn’t understand a word the driver said. Diane came out and tried to settle things down. She wound up going into the senior center and finding someone who spoke the parents’ language (who was not even going on the trip) and persuaded her to get into the bus and explain to the parents that we were going to Delicious Orchards. I used the real names because I want to show you that they didn’t know any English. They could not tell the difference between Delicious Orchards and Von Thun Farm when they read the words on the newsletter.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      It’s clearly not within the driver’s purview to change the schedule to cover their own mistake. You called them out, twice, so they’re holding a grudge against you basically for making them look bad. Which is another error on their part, beyond the first two. It’s not a you problem. It’s a them problem.
      You did the right thing. Continue to do so. Remain calm and polite even when it’s not reciprocated.

      1. Robin's sister*

        There was another time that this driver might have screwed up, but I couldn’t be sure, so I didn’t say anything.

        The senior center also takes us on lunch trips. In the past, the driver has come into the restaurant with us and has eaten with us. Someone always pays for her. The last time I went, instead of coming in with us, she dropped us off, saying that she would return in one hour. It took a very long time for the restaurant to set up a table accommodating 12 or 14 of us. Then we had to wait to get our menus, and it took a while for everyone to decide what to order. Then it took the waitress some time to take everyone’s order. By the time we were all served, 52 minutes of the hour were gone. So we all had to ask for boxes, and we stood on line to pay. All of us hadn’t paid by the time one hour was up, so a waitress had to go outside and tell the driver that we would be late.

        I don’t know if the driver was supposed to eat with us. If she had eaten with us, she would have seen how long everything was taking, and we wouldn’t have had to rush out of there without having eaten. But maybe she was given some errand to run and was told to drop us off and pick us up later. I just don’t know, so I didn’t complain to Diane or the head of the Transportation Dept. It was the first lunch trip under the direction of the new head of the Transportation Dept., and I didn’t know if it was a new way of doing things.

        I have not gone on any lunch trips since then, since I didn’t consider the previous trip to be a genuine lunch trip. It was more like “We’ll drive you to that restaurant, where you can get a take-out order and bring it back to the senior center, and you can either eat it at the senior center or bring it home.”

        1. Morning Reader*

          For this story, the driver should have just waited longer. If she didn’t or couldn’t according to her work arrangements, that’s a problem on the employer’s end. There should be wiggle room in the schedule. Whenever I’ve done any kind of bussed senior trip, that’s what they do. Unless there is something else next on the schedule like “the lecture at the botanical garden starts at 1 so we need to be back on the bus by 12:45,” what’s the hurry? If it’s that the driver doesn’t get overtime or isn’t allowed to take longer, that’s an employer problem. If you’re up for it, give your feedback to the people running the place, not the driver.

        2. WellRed*

          Doesn’t the bus service have a schedule for trips? Leave: noon. Return trip (be back at the bus everyone) by 3pm. I think this driver is the problem.

          1. Robin's sister*

            When we go to a mall, upon arrival we’re told when to be back on the bus. But for a lunch trip, it’s different. As I said, the driver always came into the restaurant to eat with us, so we left after we were finished eating. This was the first time we were dropped off and told when to be back on the bus. I don’t know if the driver was supposed to eat with us and decided to drop us off and run a personal errand and then pick us up, or if she was told to drop us off, run a senior center-sanctioned errand, and then return and pick us up. Since there was the possibility that she was doing what she was told to do, I wasn’t going to complain, because it sucks when you do what you’ve been told to do and then someone tries to get you in trouble for it.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Apart from the points that other people have raised, that’s a potential safety issue if your group isn’t where they’re expected to be. What if there’s an emergency?

      If you haven’t already, I’d also recommend you keep track of the times/dates that you had issues in case you need evidence, and it would also be handy if anyone else is having the same issues with the driver on days you’re not on the bus (unfortunately this sounds like a non-work situation of documenting an issue to take to HR…)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Safety is an important consideration here: if somebody had to be tracked down at Mall A, having them at Mall B is going to slow things down considerably.

    5. KeinName*

      To your last question: what I often do is the „kill them with kindness“ strategy. You have nothing to lose by being very friendly to her.
      You did the right thing reporting the error, you were validated by Diane, and I am sure they are grateful for you taking an active part in making their services better. Obviously the driver isn’t a person who appreciates this, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be brought around by you just being very nice. At the very least she’ll not get any satisfaction from tormenting you because you’ll still cheerfully demand to be let on the bus, assuming no malice on her part.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think I’d also start printing out the schedule (or whatever communications you receive) and bringing it with me …

        1. Robin's sister*

          Yes, I thought about doing that in the future, but then I figured that if the driver refuses to look at my copy of the list I previously submitted of the bus trips that I wanted to be signed up for, there’s no way she’ll be willing to look at the list of mall trips printed in the senior center weekly newsletter.

    6. Morning Reader*

      My reaction to this is… wow, you have three malls? That are in use and people go to?

      I don’t know what you can do to change the driver’s attitude, other than being unfailingly kind to her and hopes it takes eventually. I can see some problems in the driving arrangements, though. Shouldn’t someone from the senior center who speaks the language of most of these people also be on the trip? (And of course they should be “allowed to join” as these centers typically serve anyone of the correct age who lives there or nearby.) Maybe they need to recruit some of the adult children of these folks to serve as volunteers on a trip? Sending a bunch of non-English speaking seniors who may or may not have memory issues into a large mall seems like a recipe for disaster. What if one of them doesn’t show up for the trip back? How would they even find them?
      You did the right thing reporting the mistake. I hope they improve their service. Is the driver a good, safe driver? If she’s excellent you might tolerate a little rudeness; your safety is paramount. There is often turnover in positions like that so your best hope is the next one will be nicer. When that happens, encourage the center to hire someone who speaks the language of the majority of riders. It’s really not safe for them otherwise. You might also check on credentials of the drivers they hire. Do they have proper licenses? Any other training? I’m pretty sure a cab or ride share driver that took people to the wrong place would not last long in that occupation. (I ask because something in your description makes me wonder if the driver is low-literacy herself; if so she probably couldn’t pass the driver test which is more complicated for commercial drivers.)

      1. Robin's sister*

        “My reaction to this is… wow, you have three malls? That are in use and people go to?”
        Yes, we do! And more! There’s also Walmart. And a mall that has a Wegmans and a Target. And more malls that I can’t recall offhand. I signed up to go to Target in West Windsor on February 19. That’s fine, except that there isn’t a Target in West Windsor, so I don’t know where we’ll wind up. But as long as there’s a Target there, that will be okay.

        “Shouldn’t someone from the senior center who speaks the language of most of these people also be on the trip? (And of course they should be “allowed to join” as these centers typically serve anyone of the correct age who lives there or nearby.)”

        None of the employees at the senior center speak the language of these people. I don’t speak their language. I’m willing to bet that none of the members of the senior center who don’t have ancestors who came from that country can speak that language, unless they married someone who came from that country or who have ancestors from that country.

        As for their being “allowed to join,” they do NOT live there or nearby. They are merely visiting their children, who live there. When I go across the USA to visit relatives, it never occurs to me to try to become a member of their senior center.

        “Maybe they need to recruit some of the adult children of these folks to serve as volunteers on a trip?”

        Their adult children couldn’t care less. They have their own lives. They have jobs. They use the senior center as a place to dump their parents during the daytime. And they count on these parents to get home in time to meet the kiddies at the school bus stop.

        “You might also check on credentials of the drivers they hire. Do they have proper licenses? Any other training?”

        You bet! The bus drivers all have bus drivers licenses. There are also drivers who don’t have such licenses, but they drive vans and cars. They have to get physicals every couple of years and take some training or tests or something. I know that they get spot-checked to give urine samples to make sure that they aren’t taking drugs. One time, I was in the Transportation Dept. office when they were talking about possibly getting buses with air-brakes. One driver mentioned that the driver that I have the problem with was the only driver who had a license to drive a bus with air-brakes.

        The senior center is scrupulous about people having the proper credentials. They won’t even recommend anyone to us for plowing us out during a snowstorm unless they have a license and insurance. Of course, we can tell each other about neighbors who can plow people out, but the senior center TPTB is not involved in those conversations.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Honestly, it sounds like this center is opening themselves up to a lot of lawsuits. They take elderly people who cannot speak the language and aren’t from the area out to strange places and just cross their fingers that nobody gets lost or has a medical emergency?

          1. Robin's sister*

            Not exactly. The driver has a list of all of the passengers with their addresses and phone numbers, plus the names and phone numbers of their emergency contacts. And most (maybe all) of the passengers have cell phones. Of course, that wouldn’t help if a passenger who couldn’t speak English had an emergency and called a family member and said, “I feel really bad. Please come and pick me up. I’m standing in front of the Macy’s entrance.” And the family member went to the Macy’s at the Henderson Mall instead of the Macy’s at the Sturgis Mall.

            What’s funny is that the only time that I know of that there was a real problem involved a passenger who had lived in the USA all her life. We were told to be back on the bus at 1:30 PM. She didn’t show up. We waited and waited, and finally a man came out of The Cheesecake Factory and walked over to the bus and asked the driver if our destination was Dayton. The driver said yes, and the man said that a woman had gone to him in a panic, claiming that she had missed her 12:30 PM bus and she didn’t know how to get home. (She obviously forget what time we were supposed to meet.) The man called a taxi for her. Luckily, she had enough cash on her to pay for it. The driver called Jim, who was the head of the Transportation Dept. at that time, to let him know what was going on.

            I eventually found out that when the woman got home, she promptly took a nap. She did not call anyone. I figured out that if she had called Jim as soon as she got home, telling him that she missed the bus, he would have told her, “The bus is supposed to leave at 1:30 PM. It hasn’t even left yet.” Then Jim could have called the driver and told her not to worry about this woman.

            The senior center is supposed to be for “active seniors,” not people in need of daycare or someone to watch over them. However, people are welcome to bring an aide with them. We pay $1.00 for a round-trip from our homes to the senior center or to the supermarket or to a mall or a doctor or dentist’s office or for an errand run to the post office, bank, pharmacy, etc. There is no charge for an accompanying aide.

    7. Pam Adams*

      Honestly, it sounds like there are two issues- 1) There may be some challenges with the bus driver or bus company, which may need someone from the senior center to manage. 2)you are using these trips for specific errands, where most of the rest seem to be using them for entertainment. I would probably talk with the person at the senior center who is in charge to discuss the issues you’ve seen, but without centering it on you.

    8. Southern Violet*

      You did nothing wrong. The driver is being ridiculous. And, you cant really do anything to make her stop. That is on her. You can and should ignore it, and teport any further harrassment.

  10. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    For a movie, Furiosa. This was good and satisfying–I was in the mood for someone fighting the apocalypse. Really like that the kidnappee is not just an inert box of chocolates dragged back and forth. Discovered Anya Taylor Joy was Beth in The Queen’s Gambit, causing my spouse to observe “Oh! That’s the ferocious stare.”

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Just watched episode 4 of season 2 of Severance. I cannot say that I expected anything specific from this one, and yet was totally gobsmacked by what they threw at us. Really knocking it out of the park. I did not expect Irving B to work so thoroughly into my heart.

      I’ve caught up on Mythic Quest. Since I am invested in Brad, Dana, and Jo, and bored by Ian and Poppy, feeling pretty eh.

      Spouse was traveling so I went back and revisited Orphan Black, which really holds up. It’s just such a delight how e.g. Alison, and Sarah pretending to be Alison, are immediately different.

      3. CityMouse*

        That episode of Severance was a real mind trip. I called the twist back in episode 1, but the whole episode was still very unexpected.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I suspected the twist back in episode 1 (though credit to the writing/directing/acting for keeping me thinking that it could go either way). Still, the way it came out was so beautifully organic.

          I’m not sure I remember another show where I went in thinking “Ah, dream sequence” and yet it was not.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      Bee and Puppycat. I am obsessed. I absolutely recommend it but it’s the sort of thing where if I try to explain it I’ll ruin it.

    3. CTT*

      I really wanted to like Furiosa more than I did – I like all the people in it and loved Fury Road, but the excessive callbacks (call-forwards?) to that movie really dragged on me. I’m looking forward to the future This Had Oscar Buzz episode on it though.

      I’m trying to catch up on Oscar movies but I am just not feeling this season for the first time in a while. But I did watch The English Patient for a film club I’m in (the topic is Best Picture winners) and I’m glad I watched it and good lord 1996 Ralph Fiennes was gorgeous, but I think that Seinfeld episode about how much Elaine hated it is where I fell.

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      I never watched Firefly the first time around, so decided to give it a whirl (love the actors and I’ve heard good things). So far, I have seen the pilot, and I was pretty unimpressed. Does it get better? It feels like a bunch of great actors were brought together to wear poorly made/designed costumes and speak stilted dialogue in a blatant ripoff of Star Wars. And Nathan Fillion is seriously miscast as a world-weary veteran. Lovable rogue, yes, but he is not the Han Solo type.

      I try to give SF pilots a bit of grace, because world-building is hard, but I am having to push myself to watch the next episode. And low budgets don’t bother me – I am old enough to remember when Doctor Who had no budget to speak of. But it did have a creative premise, excellent writing, and good acting (usually).

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I would say the pilot was never one of my favourite episodes, but it’s hard to say if you’ll like it if you continue – you do get to see more and more of the characters and that’s definitely what makes the show. I’d definitely say the comedy element is the main enjoyment over the politics / war veteran element.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        We will have to agree to disagree about Nathan Fillion because I thought he was great – but generally I think pilots are not a great indicator because they’re testing the ideas and things are expected to change if the actual series gets approved. The only pilot I remember watching that really stuck the landing was Leverage, where they hit the ground running and went on from there.

        2. epicdemiologist*

          The pilot of White Collar was one of the best episodes, as well as being a good stand-alone!

      3. velveteen rabbit*

        I found the first half of the season to be fun but it didn’t really hook me the way some other shows have – which isn’t to say that I didn’t like it, because I did, but rather that I could watch one episode every few days, laugh at the jokes, and enjoy the character development. But, episode 8 is where you get the backstory on the original crew and how they all wound up on the ship and it just hit me where I live and I finished the rest of the show in two days.

        The series finale remains one of my favorite episodes of television ever. I never expected to end up there after the first few episodes. I did *not* enjoy the movie though, at all, and having read some stuff about where Whedon intended to take the show I’m deeply grateful that it was not renewed.

      4. Hanani*

        I love Firefly (even if I’ll always be annoyed that there are no Chinese main characters given the world it’s set in), and I do think it gets better as it goes on. You do need either outright affection or at least patience for quips. It’s fundamentally a story of found family, and the more you watch the more you get to see them build it while still being deeply flawed humans.

        I was going to list my favorite characters and then realized it’s everyone except one, so that’s unhelpful.

        2. allathian*

          Yeah, there definitely should’ve been at least one Chinese main character on the show.

          I’m also curious about which character you didn’t like.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      She’s also the lead in the VVitch (The Witch) by the director of Nosferatu: a very good film.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Also, still watching My Life is Murder (love the new kitty in season 2) and season 3 of Invincible, which just dropped. That is one plot heavy show.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Love My Life is Murder. The first season is great, but I think the NZ episodes are even better.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Where can I watch seasons 2 and 3?? We just finished season 1 thanks to a recommendation here. Love the kitty, love Madison, love the breadbaking.

    8. Just a name*

      I just stumbled upon the Spirited tv series from 2010-11. I binged the first 3 last night and have hope for the rest. I am looking for more series that I can watch after my spouse goes to bed. I can’t believe he won’t watch the Queen’s Gambit with me but he probably thinks it has something to do with royals. He watches a lot of sci-fi without me, as I usually am either bored or disturbed by the violence.

    9. Yankees fans are awesome!*

      Binging “Knots Landing,” and loving the ’80s big hair, chunky jewelry, and glamour outfits, and no smartphones!

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Just watched the first episode of The Agency with Michael Fassbender. It was free and honestly feels worth subscribing to Paramount+, at least long enough to binge through that and possibly also Star Trek: Section 31 because Michelle Yeoh.

      Really liked it. In addition to Fassbender it also has Jeffrey Wright, Richard Gere, and Jodie Turner-Smith. If you like spy thriller stuff with the spies having actual feelings this is your jam.

    12. Not Australian*

      ‘The Diplomat’, following the announcement that Allison Janney and Bradley Whitford are going to be playing a married couple in series 3: I thought I’d better get all the background to their characters by watching from the start, and was delighted to realise that it’s very much ‘son of The West Wing’ with similar tropes, characters, walk-and-talks, camera moves etc. More ‘West Wing’, even if by proxy, is not to be sneezed at.

    13. velveteen rabbit*

      I’ve been working my way through M*A*S*H, which I have never seen before – for some reason I thought it was a very gung-ho ooh-rah pro military show and, uh, no. It’s not that.

      I’m up to season 9 now and I must say that while the first five seasons are excellent, I much prefer the shift to what I suppose we’d call a dramedy these days. I highly highly highly recommend it – there’s been a few stinkers here and there and some characters I can’t stand (Good riddance, Frank!) but I’ve laughed so hard I cried more than a few times and have straight up cried more times than I really care to admit.

      Also, I now have a massive crush on Alan Alda which was unexpected and rather startling, since I am basically never attracted to cis men – I guess le cœur a ses raisons and all that!

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      Films I’ve seen recently:
      – Nickel Boys – haunting, brilliantly directed and acted, deserves all the awards. Highly recommended.

      – The White Reindeer – 1950s Finnish folk horror about a neglected wife who transforms into a combination of witch, vampire and reindeer. Very strange film, but brilliantly atmospheric.

      – Enys Men – Cornish folk horror set on an isolated island. Perfect example of how to make a film in which not much actually happens action-wise, but still keep it interesting.

      – The Brutalist – as a fan of Brutalist architecture, I was primed to enjoy this and I did. Great visuals, and Guy Pearce seems to be enjoying the scenery-chewing phrase of his career. During the intermission, I remembered that there is also a leading character called Laszlo in What We Do in the Shadows, so every time anyone said that name in the second half, I expected to see Matt Berry

      – The Girl with the Needle – inspired by the case of the Danish serial killer Dagmar Overbye, this is another film that is a tough watch. The acting is incredible, especially from Trine Dyrholm, who plays Overbye as someone with a mix of arrogance, toughness, compassion and extreme cruelty.

    15. IT Manager*

      Rewatching all of Psych in preparation for my first ever fandom convention.

      My family loves this show, it’s silly and clever and often does weird things like a random musical episode and most of all we love the Gus and Shawn friendship. My young adult kids are coming to the convention too!

      1. ThatGirl*

        Psych is uneven sometimes and not everything has aged well, but I do love it. Shawn and Gus are so great and the cast just seems to be having fun.

    16. Binge-watcher*

      Highly recommend “Monarch of the Glen,” on Roku and Prime. It’s a modern day series about a quirky-bu-lovable family of a Scottish laird.

      Also “Midsomer Murders,” “The Majorca Files,” and the “C.B Strike” series.

    17. GoryDetails*

      TCM (Turner Classic Movies, a US cable channel) is doing their “31 Days of Oscar” event again, airing films that won or were nominated for Oscars, so there are a lot of old favorites to choose from. Most recently I watched “Oliver!”, the musical based on “Oliver Twist” – its production numbers are still awesome. “Who will buy my sweet red roses…” [I am still a bit miffed that it won the Oscar for best film over “The Lion in Winter,” though.]

      Also watched “Brigadoon,” which I enjoy despite the potentially-nightmarish setup.

    18. allathian*

      I really enjoyed the first season of Picard. The first episode of the second season was disappointing, though. I generally don’t enjoy time travel episodes much unless the whole show is based on time travel, like Doctor Who. Worse yet, I absolutely detest Q, except in that one TNG episode where he was temporarily mortal. But I’m not ready to give up yet, as I’ve heard that the third season’s amazing.

      2. Arya Parya*

        You can do what I did and just skip the second season. I could follow the third season just fine without seeing the second season.

        I stopped watching the second season after two episodes. From what I read and saw from reviewers, I didn’t get any better. Loved the third season though.

    19. Nervous Nellie*

      I am really enjoying Little Mosque on the Prairie, a Canadian comedy series about Muslim family and friends in a small town in Saskatchewan in Canada. I think the writers also wrote for the beloved series Corner Gas (also about small town life in Sask.) and was delighted to hear a shout out to the Corner Gas fictional town of Dog River in one Little Mosque episode. The series is light and sweet, with really likeable characters. A Muslim pal tells me that it’s also accurate about details. It’s streaming free right now on Tubi. Highly recommended.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I love that show! It’s funny and sweet, and as a non-Muslim who went to school with Muslims, I appreciate a show just portraying Muslims as regular people (which they are!). I wish that kind of representation had existed for my friends back when I was younger.

    20. epicdemiologist*

      We managed to see “Flow” during its brief engagement at our local art house cinema, and it was BREATHTAKING. Highly recommended, see it on the big screen if you can.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I saw Flow at my local film festival last year, and would highly recommend it too. One of the best cat films ever, and the animation is beautiful.

    21. Andromeda*

      I am excited to see ATJ in The Gorge, which is coming out soon here in the UK.

      I am also planning a cinema trip with some friends to see Companion but scheduling is proving tough. I’m absolutely itching to see it though so might just sneak out and watch it by myself if nobody bites.

    22. dapfloodle*

      Last weekend we finally started watching Star Wars: Skeleton Crew (hopefully I didn’t post about it then too, haha!). It was a little silly but pretty interesting so I’m sure we’ll eventually watch the whole thing.

  11. Charlotte Lucas*

    Who are actors who you consider the embodiment of a role? As in, No Substitute Will Do.

    – David Suchet as Poirot (Branagh is an excellent actor, but he doesn’t inhabit the role like Suchet does)
    – Fry and Laurie as Jeeves and Wooster
    – Jeremy Brett and Benedict Cumberbatch are both excellent Sherlocks, but Brett has a bit of an edge in my heart
    – Peter Falk as Columbo (but I do love the homage of how Tasha Lynne plays her role in Poker Face)

    I’m sure there are more, but this is off the top of my head.

      1. Slinky*

        Frasier is one of my all-time favorite shows and I couldn’t agree more! It just wouldn’t have worked if any one of those actors had been different.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s funny–I can accept Jeremy Brett, Basil Rathbone, and Peter Cushing equally as iconic or “the real deal” for Sherlock Holmes, but I can’t think of an actor who I consider the “real” Moriarty or Watson or Irene Adler to the exclusion of other performers. I’ve seen plenty of good performances of the roles, but none that just seize it permanently.

    5. LBD*

      I grew up with Roger Moore as James Bond, and then had a hard time getting into the older ones, starring Sean Connery. Once I had made that shift, I was able to roll with the later changes, and simply appreciate the franchise for what it is! I think each actor has brought something new to the character. Does anybody remember the George Lazenby movie, though?

      2. allathian*

        Yes, I think it’s a shame that he only did one movie, I quite like him. And Diana Rigg is possibly my favorite Bond girl.

    6. velveteen rabbit*

      Obviously I agree with David Suchet as Poirot. Otherwise:
      1. I will *never* get over Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn. Most of that movie had perfect casting but that role was extremely made for Viggo
      2. Beatrice and Benedict will forever be Emma Thompson and Kevin Branagh for me (I know he’s a shit, but they were so perfect!)
      3. On the subject of Shakespeare, Harold Perrineau is the gold standard of Mercutio and I don’t think anyone could ever top that
      4. Tilda Swinton was born to play the White Witch and you will never convince me otherwise

      2. allathian*

        Viggo Mortensen was perfect as Aragorn, fully agree.

        We just started watcing Rings of Power and I’m having a hard time getting used to the new Galadriel and Elrond.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          And see Hugo Weaving as Elrond in the films is to me TOTALLY miscast (among many other perfect castings), I’ve never gotten used to him, and so Robert Aramayo is one of my favorite parts of Rings of Power, he’s got the warmth and kindness that Weaving never captured in the films.
          I like Morfydd Clarke as Galadriel, although not how she’s been written/directed…it improves toward the end of S1 though.

      3. Geriatric Rocker*

        Branagh’s Much Ado had some…interesting…casting choices. Emma and Ken were glorious, Keanu Reeves not so much, and Michael Keaton made a very funny Dogberry.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Let us not forget the dreamiest of dreamy Denzel Washington as the Duke! Leather pants, riding that horse–oh my.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        The White Witch was one of the first, and most vivid, villains I ever encountered in a book. I’ve “known” her forever. You would think my brain would accept anybody who played her well. Nope. She will always be Tilda Swinton now.

    11. WellRed*

      Others might not agree. Renee Z as Bridget Jones. She inhabited the character.
      Also agree with the person who said Meryl Streep in anything ; )

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Agreed, and the original Kirk and Spock – William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. Only and forever.

      2. allathian*

        I would’ve been fine with Cumberbatch as another Augment, but he didn’t work as Khan for me at all, although I liked the new Kirk, Spock, etc. just fine.

        My favorite Augment is Malik on Enterprise, played by Alec Newman. Khan is slimy, but Malik is sexy in a very obviously dangerous and unpredictable way. YMMV, of course.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Especially since he got to play Kahn at two very different times in the character’s life and just NAILED the evolution.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Pretty much everyone in LOTR.
      The main 6 of The Good Place.
      Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy.
      Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods.
      Tatiana Maslany in Orphan Black.

    14. Nervous Nellie*

      Tom Baker as Doctor Who, with John Pertwee in a very close second. All the rest? Absolutely not.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        If you like Jon Pertwee I highly recommend the old BBC radio comedy The Navy Lark. He’s utterly amazing in that – does multiple characters with very distinct voices.

    15. XF1013*

      David Duchovny as Fox Mulder. If Disney reboots “The X Files” now that they own Fox, it’s hard to see anyone else getting that character quite right. Dale Cooper in “Twin Peaks” was very similar on paper, but Kyle MacLachlan brought a different energy.

    16. Busy Middle Manager*

      Dororthy Zbornak and Sophia Petrillo. There is a reason people are watching 33+ years later. It doesn’t feel like they’re just reciting lines, they feel like they actually think what they say.

      I also need to plug Kathy Bates’ Matlock again :-). I rarely get into new shows these days, but when I watch her, I truly believe she lost her daughter to opioids and infiltrated the law firm who knew about it. As opposed to other shows like Suits where you’re constantly aware that it is “just a show”

    18. Rage*

      Tom Hiddleston as Loki.
      George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge.
      Johnny Depp as Grindelwald (sorry, Mads-fans).

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          To add to this, Muppets Christmas Carol is the definitive film version of that story and you can’t tell me otherwise.

    19. AnotherRetiredLibrarian*

      Richard Dean Anderson as the original MacGyver.
      Raymond Burr as Perry Mason.
      Ian Carmichael as Lord Peter Wimsey.

    20. Dark Macadamia*

      Coming back to add David Tennant and Michael Sheen in Good Omens. They’re so perfect for their roles and their chemistry is incredible. They really brought the story to an amazing place (I like the show much better than the book). I remember seeing that there was going to be a Good Omens movie in the 90s starring Robin Williams and Johnny Depp which honestly I can see if you wanted to take the source material in a different direction, but I’m so much happier with what we got lol.

    21. goddessoftransitory*

      Definitely Suchet.

      Ron Perlman as Hellboy–when I heard he was cast it was a combination “Yay! and “Well, DUH” moment, for sure.

      More will come to me when I wake up at 2 am…

    22. Baroness Schraeder*

      Colin Firth as Mr Darcy.

      WTF were they thinking, remaking P&P with Keira Knightley and whoever the forgettable male lead was (I forgot)?

        1. velveteen rabbit*

          Whereas that’s the only one I actually like! It’s one of the neat things to me about having multiple filmed versions of classics that almost everyone will find a cast/adaptation that works best for them.

    24. Mitchell Hundred*

      If we’re going to do Agatha Christie adaptations we can’t leave out Margaret Rutherford as Miss Marple. Geraldine McEwan’s performance was the only one that came close to hers, but Rutherford is and will always be the queen of my heart.

      J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson is another one, although IMO it’s not his best role. And Harvey Fierstein as Edna Turnblad. They should never have adapted the musical without him.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember watching one of the Spiderman movies and the entire audience perking up when Simmons would appear: “oh, thank God, some fun!”

    25. Grilledcheeser*

      Oh my stars Fry & Laurie were perfection as Jeeves & Bertie. I hated the earlier BBC versions, tho many older fans I know like them. For me, F&L are exactly as I pictured them in my head while reading.

      Ditto the All Creatures Great & Small from 1978 – they simply *are* how i pictured the characters while I read.

      Frasier casting was wonderful. 3rd Rock from the Sun. Will & Grace.

  12. Radar’s Glasses*

    Sam Neill in “Sidney Reilly, Ace of Spies”
    George Clooney in “ER” (1980s TV series)
    Essie Davis in “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” (Australian tv series)
    James Garner in “Maverick” (way before Mel Gibson’s version)

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        He was in a sitcom called ER in the 80s. He played an orderly and it was also set in Chicago.Very funny.

    2. LBD*

      Yes, that series really did give you a chance to fix on Sam Neill as Sidney Reilly. I really enjoyed his performance in those shows.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Joan Hickson as Miss Marple in the BBC adaptations from the 80s.

        I can’t get on with the ITV Marple, especially since Joan Hickson was once seen by Agatha Christie in a play and given the ultimate approval to play the role.

        And whilst Peter Ustinov was very good, Poirot will always be David Suchet for me.

          1. Geriatric Rocker*

            As much as I liked Geraldine McEwan’s Nurse in KenBran’s Henry V (a film that makes me sob every time I watch it), I really didn’t like her Miss Marple at all. She was far too shrill.

            Joan Hickson played her as almost world weary, as having seen too many murders and horrible things in her life. Julia McKenzie’s was a more empathetic Miss Marple. I thought they were both excellent.

            1. allathian*

              Yes, Geraldine McEwan’s portrayal bothered me so much that I’ve only seen a few of her episodes. I’d actually completely forgotten her version until you mentioned it. But Joan Hickson’s unforgettable in the role.

  13. Emma*

    If you knot, where do you find your patterns?

    I’m a brand new knitter – these past few weeks I’ve been learning to cast on, continental style, and learning to hold my yarn.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        The only problem with Ravelry is that its search engine/filtering gives me very high standards and most other websites leave me very disappointed…

    3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Find a local yarn shop and talk to them. The one in my town has a weekly drop-in knitting night. Every yarn shop I’ve ever been in has had a variety of knitted samples on display so if you see something you like you can talk with them about the skill level required. If you see a beautiful yarn you love (which is 100% guaranteed to happen) you can talk with them about what kinds of patterns it works best for.

      And go to your local library! Mine has knitting pattern books available to check out. Browsing them will give you ideas of skills you want to develop and you can probably find ones for beginning knitters.

    4. Mystere*

      Tin Can Knits and Purl Soho both have free, well written, staple knitting patterns. If you use Ravelry patterns, read the comments and questions – if the pattern is poorly written or needs tweaking it will be there.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Yes, second both these recommendations! Tin Can Knits is especially good for beginning knitters; their patterns are written so clearly that they’ve honestly spoiled me and I sometimes (often..haha) struggle to read through the messy patterns I buy elsewhere. And they’re also fantastic when it comes to size inclusivity, just a really great company in every way.

        Ravelry is also a good go-to, and I like going to my yarn store and seeing the samples they’ve got knit up. If you find yarns you like, you might also check their manufacturer’s site and see if they have patterns—they usually do. This is how I discovered I LOVE Kelbourne Woolens patterns (and they have a lot of fantastic free patterns as well, so might actually be another good source for patterns as you’re getting into knitting!).

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, it’s not that all the patterns are high quality, it’s that the *search function* is good. But as a beginner you might not know enough technical details to find a good pattern or what you are looking for. So yes a book is a great suggestion! The Vogue knitting book is classic and I really really recommend the little guide from MDK. There are also a lot of references focused on a particular type of object if you are interested in making socks, animals, sweaters, specifically.

    6. Our Lady of Shining Eels*

      Visit Knitty.com! They’ve been around 20 years, full of free patterns, and lovely articles.

    7. BlueCactus*

      Ravelry is, bar none, the best way to find patterns. It’s also a great way to introduce yourself to smaller designers who are doing great work but are more niche. I found my favorite designers (Lucy Hague and Mary Ann Mace) via the Rav search function!

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      I’m currently re-learning to knit, and I absolutely recommend dropping in to your nearest LYS. Our local library also has two knitting groups, one that meets on Tuesday morning and one Thursday evening. Both knitting groups are always excited to help out a new knitter! (I’m the lone crocheter in the Thursday group.)

    9. Emma*

      Thank you, everyone! So many helpful comments. Thank you for taking the time. Knitters seem a generous, helpful bunch.

  14. Anono-me*

    A while back I asked about the Le Creuset Factory to Table sale. Well a new one has been announced in San Jose (April 10-13) , which unfortunately is about as far away from me and in the USA as it can be.

    1. Almost Academic*

      Oh wow, thanks for posting this! It’s actually quite near me. I haven’t been before, but remember reading an article a while back about it and it piqued my interest. Have you been to one before?

      1. Anono-me*

        No. I love the stuff and found out about these things shortly after one was held in the nearest big city to me. I hope there is another. I hope you get to go. And if you get the gift bag ticket, that you get the perfect to you gift bag.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      I haven’t been in years, but Wilton (baking tools and supplies) used to have great factory sales in the Chicago suburbs.

  15. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’re playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been playing Unicorn Overlord, which is an SRPG, or so I’ve been told. I’m mostly enjoying it, although I have the feeling that it will be longer than I want it to be. There’s one specific game mechanic that I hate, though, and that’s driving me crazy. Otherwise it’s been fun.

    1. Mornington Crescent*

      It’s just been Animal Crossing Pocket Camp Complete since before Christmas for me.

      I got it when it was still £9.99 and now there’s no microtransactions, it’s great! It’s sort of a nothingburger of a game, but it scratches an itch for me. Collecting the lovely furniture, decorating a space with it and setting it up so the cute animals can come hang out is very satisfying!

    2. Loredena*

      Fields of Mistria! It’s a farming sim, very like stardew valley in many ways, but some things (fishing!) simplified and others (magic) expanded on.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’ve been playing Shapez, I kinda got stuck on level 20 and had to look up multiple guides to figure out how to make that particular item. It’s fun but this one has been a slog.
      Also replaying Little Inferno, which is surprisingly cute and heartwarming for a game about buying things just to burn them!

    4. librarian*

      Infinity Nikki might be the best game of all time. I’ve been playing for about a month and I have nearly 300 hours. (Granted I’ve been very sick during that time so not a lot of work, but STILL.) It’s free to play and so worth the download just to see if it’s for you.

    5. Arrietty*

      I just introduced my 3 year old to the Sims 4 so we spent a couple of hours playing that this weekend. I’ve got a week off work so I plan to do a fair bit of Sims.

    6. Zephy*

      I recently picked up Dead Letter Dept, a spooky job-simulator along the lines of Home Safety Hotline, Five Nights at Freddy’s (before the Youths™ took a shine to it and ground it to dust under the millstone of capitalism), I’m On Observation Duty, Booth, Papers Please, etc. I got one of the Bad Endings on my first playthrough, but given that this is a horror game about having a job, I’m not sure there is a “good” ending, to be honest.

  16. BellStell*

    Spring is coming soon (northern hemisphere) so what are you planting? For those in the southern hemisphere do you live where leaves change colour on the way into autumn?

    1. Hoary Vervain*

      Finally converting the last big plot of weeds (the patch next to the garage we refer to as the “back 40” – we live in an urban neighborhood with weirdly-shaped lots and shared driveways) to native perennials!! Mostly going to transplant the overcrowded starts we just shoved into the few beds we had last year, but those are almost entirely flowers, so I’ll also be getting at least a couple native bushes and/or some taller grasses to go along the fence line. And I do plan to shamelessly plant some non-native irises because those are my weakness and as much as I love our native Blue Flag (and have lots of them), mama wants some of those gorgeous tall, dark ones.

    2. Slinky*

      We had a big raised bed put in last fall. I planted some onions and garlic before the ground froze, but still have a lot of bed left. My husband is eager to plant strawberries. We grew tomatoes and fairytale eggplant in pots last year. Both were tasty, though we only got a little eggplant. I’ll definitely do tomatoes again! Our lawn guy is also planting a cherry tree for us in the coming weeks. It will be a years before it yields edible fruit, but I’m very excited about it!

    3. Sloanicota*

      I started some purple broccoli indoors, although I know it loses its color when cooked. Pretty thought!

      1. GoryDetails*

        It is rather sad that most if not all of the purple veggies – okra, string beans, broccoli, etc. – turn green when cooked. But fresh purple broccoli would make a lovely addition to a veg-and-dip tray!

    4. Lynn*

      We have a huge garden – this year I’ll be planting herbs, tomatoes, lettuce, broccoli, cucumber, potatoes, hot peppers and zucchini again. New additions will be celery, rutabaga, and sweet peppers. Removing green beans (I love them but no one else in the family does), and greatly reducing quantities on tomatoes and hot peppers. We were overrun last year!

    5. Venus*

      Spring is still a few months away for me, but I’ll be starting tomato seedlings soon. Much of my lawn has been planted with native perennials so that’s easy, and I’ll have my usual asparagus and raspberries as well as tomatoes, beans, and a couple new options.

    7. Geriatric Rocker*

      Here on the bottom of the globe, we don’t have that many deciduous trees, so autumn colours aren’t really a thing. Many moons ago I visited New Hampshire in the autumn and it was breathtaking.

    8. Florence Reese*

      I’m going to try a food garden for the first time this year! I’m going all-out in part because this is meant as a ‘victory garden’ for me and my pals, so I’m planning: beans, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers (sweet and hot), cucumbers, zucchini, and maaaaaybe strawberries. I found a local seed company that has some heirloom varieties that are native to our area or nearby, which I’m super stoked about too.

      My other gardener friend is considering onions, leafy greens, and possibly some other root veggies — she lives right on the coast so her temps are much friendlier for those than the scorching I get all summer. I’m hopeful that between the two of us, the produce staples for our little group will be pretty well covered, at least while in season. Fingers crossed!

      1. epicdemiologist*

        Definitely consider adding some herbs! They’re expensive to buy, and never seem to come in the quantity I need. It’s so satisfying to just walk out and pick the exact amount you want! Also they’re mostly easy to grow, they attract pollinators, and they don’t take up much space.

    9. one of the many librarians*

      Not planting yet, but I checked on the perennials today — rhubarb and horseradish are sending up sprouts. Pruned a couple of blueberry bushes, filled the bird feeders and cleaned and filled birdbaths. I should get out some older seed and run germination tests soon, and prune the raspberries too.

  17. Liminality*

    Remodeling!
    Putting in a deep soaker-tub!
    Complications, Frustrations, and Delays!
    Please, tell me it’s all gonna be okay!

    Have you had issues on a remodeling project? How picky/demanding am I allowed to be?
    What do you wish you had known before you started?
    Tell me your stories of chaos, please!

    1. Just a name*

      Don’t get me started. We started a project that is supposed to deliver a garage with a small addition to the house over the garage. We cannot get a building permit without an upgrade to our septic system. We had a septic test, a perc test, a requirement from the county for a licensed surveyor to generate a septic design. We started last January, got through the septic stuff up until the licensed surveyor, who we hired last August. They still haven’t submitted a plan that the county can approve. The surveyor is waiting for the county to give him advice on the required distances between different components of the system, but the county doesn’t provide advice. So we are at an impasse since mid-December. The surveyor just needs to submit a plan that the county can approve or deny, and at least we have a decision. And maybe move forward. This limbo is so annoying.
      A story of chaos and we haven’t even gotten to the part where we could be a bit picky. But up I’m going to be freaking picky. Because I will have to live with it for a very long time. And I’ll be spending a bunch of money.

      1. Liminality*

        Ugh, that does sound exhausting!
        I’m sending all the good vibes. <3
        Maybe getting it all figured out in advance will help avoid more chaos later?

    2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Did a big remodel that went 6 months when we thought it was going to take 3. Mostly kitchen, also updating laundry room, flooring, baseboards and trim throughout the house, involved taking out internal walls and adding a new beam to deal with the load-bearing needs.

      My take now that we’ve been back in the house for a year: Every point where we said “yes, let’s spend that little bit of extra and make it the way we really want it” makes me so happy now. The bits of money we would have saved wouldn’t have been worth living with things built into the house that we didn’t want. I’d be looking at them now knowing that I could have fixed them and I didn’t.

      I’m thinking of the saying about how the bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of low price. That applies to remodels, too, if you’re able to make the money work.

      Things we couldn’t control: People getting sick. Someone going into the hospital–not someone who worked on our job, but the partner of our project manager who then had multiple complications so our PM had to pay attention to that. Of course we supported that–and it knocked a big hole in the schedule. Electrical contractor basically disappearing on all of us; finally my husband went to their office and knocked on the door of a place that appeared to be closed but yes, they were there, just not answering any emails or phone calls. One wrong cabinet being shipped, having to wait for the reorder and one individual cabinet piece is a lot less interesting to a manufacturer than an entire kitchen and laundry room full of cabinets. Why it was wrong: Cabinet maker rep didn’t tell us that when we used the exact word that the manufacturer used to describe a particular setup, he was going to describe it as something else in the order and we didn’t see that piece of paper before it went in.

      All of which is to say, we love the final product and we can forget about the painful parts and just enjoy the new house we created by doing the remodel. Hang in there!

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        On how picky can you be: Absolutely do not sign off that you’re satisfied and write the final check until you’ve reviewed everything they were supposed to do. It helps if you can do that as you go along: Identify an issue while they’re right there and can fix it right away. Do a walk-through and examine absolutely everything. Did they ding walls during installation? Needs to be repaired and repainted. Something isn’t square that’s supposed to be? They make it square. You don’t have to accept substandard work.

        1. Liminality*

          Thank you! I swear, I want to be cool/chill about it all but almost everything they’ve started in on I’ve had to tell them “yes, but also no. It needs to be this other way.”
          Including lifting the tub back out of the alcove and demanding a new/different plumber-sub-contractor because the one they were working with had installed it incorrectly and, yeah, not square. And I felt like a total jerk. Thank you for the reassurance!

          1. Generic Name*

            Don’t even attempt to be cool/chill when dealing with contractors. It’s bad advice for dating and it’s bad advice for getting what you want in home renovations. Who cares if a contractor thinks you’re picky? You don’t have to be rude, you can point out politely something isn’t up to snuff. If they’re upset, they should have done it right the first time.

      2. Liminality*

        Oooh, good point about the long future of living with it all. Thank you! I may have to end up knocking on their door too. Communication doesn’t seem to be the contractor’s strong suit.

    3. LBD*

      There, there, you just need to take a nice long bath!
      Really, it will get finished, and you will be able to enjoy all the things.
      I cooked in a steamer and a crock pot on a piece of plywood balanced on top of an open cabinet base for 3 months, and washed dishes in the bathroom, before I was able to get my kitchen countertop installed. It wasn’t a planned reno, it was in response to serious water damage, and I had to save up. I am happy that I was able to be resourceful and deal with the situation, and ended up with a fully functional, intact counter top due to my own efforts in sorting it out.
      It was very empowering after being at the mercy of the company brought in by the insurance company. Their work wasn ‘t terrible but I couldn’t be on site much while it was going on and it felt very out of control. Taking back that control for the cabinets was satisfying.

      1. Liminality*

        I mean… you’re Not wrong…. :P
        Wow, sounds like you were really making-do!
        Right about the control, I definitely feel I have not been in controlof this process. I’ll try to work on that.

    4. Anima*

      Don’t get me started.
      I’m currently grinding off all walls in our 52m2 living room in our new flat, which we (husband and I) bought last June. We are six months in and still demoing, because we do *everything* ourselves. We had agreed beforehand to outsource stuff like demo, walls and electrics. We are doing none of that, because we have a serious issue with the pipes, which will eat all our money.
      We are also at a total standstill with the pipe in the kitchen, which is broken in two places and does not belong to us, it belongs to the house. They are dragging their feet since SEPTEMBER to get it fixed.
      We originally had planned to move in after about a year, which would be in 4 months. We are nowhere near even doing reno.
      I’m so over it.

      1. Liminality*

        Ugh. No fun! Sorry you hit that roadblock. Plumbing is definitely one of the things that I would have to get a professional for. I’m impressed by your confidence in your demo-abilities, it’s silly but I’m to concerned that I’ll break something so I can’t start breaking things!

        1. Anima*

          We are totally getting a professional for plumbing, don’t worry!
          Electric stuff can be done by a friend who is a trained electrician (but doesn’t work as one anymore) and then can be ok-d by an actual electrician (German law allows that somehow).
          Husband is the grandson of a professional builder and the knowledge trickled down…? Don’t know how, but it did. Also, YouTube for the stuff we don’t know. I am also a trained in a trade with a lot of handywork and am generally good at this type of work, also somehow, because reno and book binding do not have a lot in common. :D
          We are very lucky to be like this.
          Breaking something is not a concern, the flat is in such a bad state that anything done to it makes it better.
          I wish you well for your project! May it go over nicely and with few hiccups.

    5. Sloanicota*

      I redid my kitchen. It cost about an extra 10K over what I hoped/planned for, which I now know is very common. It was pretty frustrating because I was still living in the house, and my priorities (utility) were different than the crew’s (efficiency). It slowed down exponentially towards the end, when there were “just one or two” tasks left to do rather than full days work for the crew – but those tasks were important to me as I couldn’t use the kitchen yet. I didn’t really push back on anything, I just wanted it done, which wasn’t a great feeling. The specialists are trying to “drop by” between full day tasks so lots of rescheduling, claiming you’ll be there tomorrow sometime and then not showing up, etc. Also all very common. The good news is, now that it’s done all that inconvenience is just a blur and I will enjoy my kitchen for many years. So it’s like anything else that is frustrating frustrating frustrating and then over forever.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Oh, I’d forgotten that trickling/waiting/trickling business near the end–yes! They’re almost done, just a few more little things, can’t do the final walkthrough until they’re done and they’re off onto something bigger. We were living in the house and looking at all those little hanging doodad items every day.

        I adore my kitchen. Every few days I look at something we did and say again, “We did great! We made good choices! I love our house!” That will last.

    6. BlueWolf*

      I will be following along for the stories. We’re considering a fairly extensive project to remodel our garage and I am already anticipating possible chaos and we haven’t even finished getting quotes. Fortunately, if there are issues and delays at least it’s just the garage so it’s not affecting our living space. We previously had to get some foundation work done on our house and that basically was a year long odyssey where we had to get a second company in to redo the work because the first company did a shoddy job. Fortunately, we got our money back from the first company, but it was definitely more money than we had planned to spend as new homeowners.

      1. Liminality*

        Ugh, it seems to be the rule that the remodel will Always take longer than planned. I’m lucky enough to also not be living in the projects house right now. My dream is to be in before the end of February.
        Good luck with your own projects!

    7. Cacofonix*

      I just finished my first and only major renovation in the multiple hundreds of thousand dollar range. We saved up and while we’re both professionals, we’re not rich. So you can bet I planned and managed things meticulously. We did have issues of course, like a collapsed concrete foundation we didn’t know we had and the city demanding we replace our entire waste water line to the tune of $100k. But I decided at the outset and in step with my very good and carefully vetted contractor, that we take each issue and methodically solve it. No blaming or defensiveness allowed. Stick to the plan. Everyone has a written list of must haves and what can be adjusted or removed from scope if something comes up that costs money. I used a reasoned approach to win with the city, and dealt with each of the many issues one by one. Contractor made suggestions according to my priorities and knew I wouldn’t budge on the critical items.

      All with the mindset that this too shall pass. In one week or one month, that bit of chaos will be done and something new will come up. The beauty is that when it’s done it’s done. It’s not your soul sucking, boundary crossing family dragging you into more drama. Yes it’s your home but it’s also a business transaction, so be careful about dumping emotion on your tub issues. Focus on your requirement – I need a deep soak in a large enough tub, here. Know the plan, be clear, follow up, and you’ll get there. You can wait to get all emotional when your body is blissfully soaking in the thing. And you will.

  18. KeinName*

    Do you have someone in your life who holds opinions opposite to you and you engage with them earnestly because you like them? And because you hope a little to bring them round?

    Ex: I was at the massage therapist yesterday and she said my 73year old mother clearly must have some unresolved trauma because she has high blood pressure. I‘m obviously of the opinion that a disease is a disease (I have Ulcerative Colitis), and we can be active in being healthy but there are limits. I have enough self-knowledge and therapy experience to know I won’t be any happier deep-diving into my psyche to find out what caused my (and my acenstors‘) Chron‘s.
    Anyway I explained this all to my massage therapist (as I have done before), and thought to myself: I like her, so I’ll just take her seriously and give her my perspective – even though this is very much the thing it makes no sense to devate.
    What do you say? Do you know this kind of thing from your life?

    1. Not That Jane*

      Honestly, that specific opinion (disease = unresolved trauma) would bother me too much to engage with at all. I would just smile, change the subject, and limit future conversation with the person.

      But I do have people in my life who hold other opinions opposite to mine (eg I have a close friend whose religious practice includes the idea that she submits to her husband) and I can engage with those people insofar as (a) I can feel safe being honest with them, that they will consider my perspective respectfully to, and (b) that their opinions aren’t being angrily imposed on anyone else in their life. We can “agree to disagree” if the friendship is close enough, is what I guess I’m saying. But even then, areas of disagreement aren’t going to be the main focus of our interactions – it’s more like when it comes up, we can chuckle a bit and remind each other that we cordially disagree on that point.

      1. KeinName*

        I think you hit on my point here – feeling safe to know you can be honest with them and be respectful.
        Also, yes, it’s really bothering me as well, that opinion. But the combo in my massage person is fascinating – someone who holds that opinion and still understands what I’m getting at in a more general sense.
        I go to her because since COVID, most of the „body workers“ in my city have shown themselves to be anti-vaxxers, and she is not. Despite bordering that realm a bit clearly.

    2. WellRed*

      I’m there are definitely people who believe this ( and more than a few are MTs or similar practitioners). I find it frankly offensive and insulting. Sometimes a disease state is just that: a disease.

    3. Two cents*

      For me, it depends on whether or not I think the person is convincable, curious or interesting to discuss with. If none of those things are true, which is the most common stare of affairs, I will not engage because there is no point and it ends up being frustrating. I would rather spend our time talking about things we both enjoy or find interesting. If they are not evangelistic about their opinion, I am willing to listen to them relate things related to that opinion if they are relevant to their lives or story they are telling–because I care about them and want to know what they are thinking and feeling as people–but I won’t engage on the topic.

      Exceptions apply, of course, to truly problematic opinions where I feel the need to engage to say my piece. But after that, if they can’t leave it, or if it is odious enough, it might well effect our friendship entirely.

    5. Jackalope*

      Most of the people in that category for me are family members, so I have extra reason to stay engaged. Depending on the person, I’ll do a mix of avoiding the topic at hand (not too difficult since many of them I see once a year for a few days, and we have so many things to catch up on about our lives) or discussing it with them tentatively and for very short time periods (a couple of minutes).

    6. Morning Reader*

      You’ve done a lot already explaining your point of view to her. If that didn’t get through to her, not much else you can do. In your kind of situation in the past, I have laughed incredulously, then said a “wait, you’re serious?” Then “you know there is no factual basis to what you just said, right? If you’re curious, I can recommend good sources for accurate information.” That’s if I know anything about the subject. I don’t think I’d go that far with a massage therapist unless it was someone I knew well or saw frequently.
      I think it’s good that people with ridiculous, outlandish or ignorant opinions should be called on them. People get into bubbles where everyone agrees with them. It can help to have a normal person outside their bubble react honestly, like omg did you just say the earth is flat?

    7. Zweisatz*

      Unfortunately I have had to distance myself a little from a friend because she is NOT able to agree to disagree. If a person is kind and fair and willing to hear me out then I am willing to have that discussion, yes.

  19. Ramelton*

    Mac enthusiasts – my MacBook Air just died after many years of perfect service (it was a 2015 purchase) and despite having iCloud nothing recent from my desktop seems to have saved to the cloud. The machine won’t power on at all and I’ve tried every remedy I’ve found so far to try and force a start etc. to no avail. When connected to power the light is green indicating the battery is charged but the machine is dead as a brick. Even my 2007 MacBook switches on when connected to power so I’ve never seen this before!

    Is there any way a professional can recover the files? I don’t mind paying for the expertise if the costs aren’t mindblowing as the files aren’t life or death but it would be amazing to have them back. I’ve had to emergency purchase a new MacBook so money is a little tighter than I would like just now. Over to you!

    1. Liminality*

      I know almost nothing about electronics and slightly less about Apple products, but if I were going to try fixing this my plan would be to pull the hard drive and install it in another functional machine. Then I could download/transfer the info to the cloud or another storage device.
      That said, I have equal confidence in my personal ability to perform a heart transplant, so I’d try to get one of the professionals you mentioned. First stop: genius bar?

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      Certainly a pro would be able to open it up, extract the hard drive, and copy the data onto a new external drive, which you can then import onto your new Mac. It’s been a long time since we had to do that with our kiddo’s long ago Mac laptop, and I think back then it was less than $100.

    4. Coffee*

      when my last PC laptop died I pulled the hard drive and plugged it into a hard drive reader and then connected that to my new laptop and transfered everything. so you might see if you can extract the hard drive and if Mac sells hard drive Raiders

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I would go to your nearest Apple store, if possible. Where I am, you need to make an appointment. Do you have AppleCare? If a store isn’t close, I think you can call.

    6. Jessi*

      Yes! Pre 2020 MacBooks have a hard drive / internal memory that can be pulled out. It will be a pain as you’ll have to find something that’s also pre-2020 to put it into to be able to access this but it should work.

      I have two 2017 MacBook airs and haven’t been in a hurry to update for this very reason. 6 months ago when one died the tech guy was able to put non-working one into the working one and then transfer to an external hard drive while I purchased another, and then transfered the whole laptop onto a (new to me) new one

    7. TheDogAteMyResume*

      Take it to the Apple Store Genius Bar. Sometimes there is a connector that you can buy that will allow you to transfer content from a dead Mac to another Mac. Or they will have other suggestions.

      Sometimes it helps to let the dead Mac sleep for a day or so and then try to power it up again.

  20. ghost_cat*

    As the fellow owner of a rescue pet, this photo brings me joy. I recall that Sophie was a rescue and living on the streets? What joy she knows now.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Kitties that came off the street are the best pets. My dear old girl was found stray and unfixed at four years old. You could tell that after coming to live with me, she was just happy to be indoors and fed. Very easy going cat and so sweet. We had fourteen good years together. New kitten was a foster fail and she’s much, much saucier – she doesn’t know how good she has it! She’s only ever known life in the lap of luxury lol. (I do realize anecdotes are not data, this is just my experience after several adult rescues of various critters).

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes! They are all rescues. Sophie and Wallace were found on a street (he was a baby and she was only 6-7 months old herself; I have no idea how she had kept them both alive).

      None of our cats have any interest in going outside, but Sophie probably least of all.

  21. London But With Drugs*

    Seeking wholesome, uplifting, and/or edifying content for 2025

    Anyone else wanting to be more intentional about their media consumption in 2025? I am not guilty of ‘doom scrolling’, but I will say that I OD’d on USian news coverage leading up to the election, and now I’m so over it.

    So I’m wanting to create a list of great content providers as an alternative to spending tons of time surfing. I’m Canadian, but the suggestions don’t have to be.

    Where do you go for satisfying, informative, well-written articles? Some go-tos for me include The Atlantic, Psy Post, The Tyee, and UpWorthy. I’m interested in stuff like popular science, long-form Canadian news, good news, news magazines, and think pieces.

    I’m more interested in the written word, but other people might be interested in podcasts, videos, etc., so feel free to suggest.

    I’m not dead against political content but it’s at the bottom of the pile for now.

    Thanks in advance for any offerings. Happy reading everybody!

    1. Reba*

      I dropped the Atlantic a while back for Reasons. You might like Aeon, Wired (lately lots of political coverage but not always), and the book review magazines.

      I highly recommend Longform . org, and if you notice that you regularly enjoy the pieces posted there from e.g. Texas Monthly, you could then subscribe.

    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’ve decided to try and get most of my political news from WTF Just Happened Today, rather than piecemeal throughout the day. Also when I do have to look up something about USA politics I usually search for the BBC because they’re usually more objective due to having less direct effects from it.
      But so much of the internet is talking about it that I haven’t been able to limit unintentional news stories (always the most sensational ones). It’s at the point where even memes and jokes are saturated with “guess what this dumb politician did today/what this genius politician found out/how the other side reacted to it”. Added to that is my family, politically opposite to me, rants all evening and I can’t get away from it… And then I look up whatever they’re talking about and there’s (obviously) more nuance but they don’t wanna hear THAT so I just have to sit and stew about it to avoid fighting with the people I live with.
      I wish we weren’t living in interesting times…

    3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      For science I nominate “Everything Is Amazing” by Mike Sowden: Fun deep dives into various aspects of science, mostly. He just wrote one digging into how the transporter in Star Trek might actually work, how much power it would consume, how much information it would take to recreate the entire human body on the other end–fun and geeky.

      For deeply researched think pieces (some of which, fair warning, will have political/policy content), Culture Study by Anne Helen Petersen. The commenters there are much like the ones here, with good moderation. She does some great open thread prompts–the latest one is on what makes a good community–and also ends the invitation to comment with “continuing the work of keeping this one of the good places on the internet.”

      I read several others; these are the two that come closest to your topic list.

    4. Current News Hater*

      I like goodnewsnetwork dot org. Short and uplifting stories about new science, kindness, animals, hopefulness. It’s a quick uplift for me every day!

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I subscribe to my local paper; very much support independent print media whenever possible! But it’s good to check the owners of the paper–I wouldn’t subscribe to the Wall Street Journal (Murdoch) or The Washington Post (Bezos) because I don’t feel they are trustworthy any longer.

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I like Guts Magazine and Briarpatch, both Canadian (and very lefty, but I think the Tyee is fairly left as well?)

      1. thorny issue*

        I chose not to renew my subscription to Briarpatch a few years ago after they printed an article about Indigenous people (in relation to the resource extraction industry? I forget exactly) that was written by a white man. I even called them and spoke with the editor, and his response to my concerns was just so lack lustre. How have they been lately?

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          I haven’t followed every single article but I’d say that I’m really surprised that situation happened based on what I’ve seen from them! Disappointing to here the editor wasn’t responsive (last I was following I think they’d had co-editors sharing the role for a year or so, maybe that’s a change…)

  22. LadyWhistledown*

    Neurodivergence! (Not a medical question, I love being this way lol).

    What are your favorite tips and tricks for navigating the world with a slightly different brain?

    Specifically I’m curious what rules you’ve adapted/ignored to bring more peace and joy into your life. Ex. We eat whatever we want for breakfast, not just “breakfast foods”. We also have adapted our hosting style to be much more casual and low stress and are now known for it so we don’t have to be fancy or polished.

    Just a bit curious to hear what other modifications or tips folks are fond of.

    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      We cater for picky eaters in our house. It’s just easier. And clothes that cause sensory issues get returned, if possible, or sent to the charity shops/thrift shops. Nobody has to muscle through some itchy collar.

      I also ask if I don’t understand why something is funny. I have a good sense of humor and am quite good at humor writing, but sometimes the memes that everyone thinks are funny just elude me.

      Most importantly, I have learned to choose my friends wisely. In the community where I raised my children, I felt like a bug in a jar sometimes. I had friends, but I felt like I never cracked the social code. Now that I’m older (60s), I don’t feel like I have to try to fit in as much.

      I’m not sure if this is the sort of info you were asking for (and really, these “tips” could apply to everyone), but these are the things I do to make my life less stressful.

      I prefer to think of myself as neurospicy rather than neurodivergent. I’d rather be a taco than an alternative/wrong path.

      1. Wellie*

        I hate the term Neuro divergent. It assumes that there is a normal path that I am diverging from.
        Actually, I kind of hate that the term Neurotypical, which was originally coined to describe people who are not autistic, has been co-opted outside autism.It is a super useful term, and that is why it has been widely adopted, but it now leaves a gap. Autism is a very specific type of neuro spiciness, and, for example, OCD is neuro spice, but is is a different neuro spice than autism and there is still a need to be able to describe people who are just plain not autistic. I am aware of the word allistic, but I don’t feel like it works as well.

        1. Nightengale*

          That’s interesting because I had not seen where neurotypical was specifically created to be an opposite to autism. My understanding was that it was a pushback against the use of “normal.” Instead the idea was to say typically developing or neurotypical.

          But I haven’t seen a specific attribution for neurotypical (whereas I do know about the origin for the terms “neurodiversity” and “neurodivergent.” Do you have a reference or resource for the idea it was meant to counter autism specifically?

          The more I learn about autism (and I have extensive professional training and work as a doctor for neurodivergent kids) the more I see the fuzzy edges between autism and other neurodivergences. I have patients who are clearly autistic and patients who have a lot of autistic traits but don’t quite fit autism and patients who are neurodivergent in ways that aren’t autistic at all. Overall I find it a useful umbrella that I am multiply neurodivergent and care for neurodivergent kids.

          I’d like to see allism catch on more broadly, if for no other reason than because the meaning is such a pushback against pathologizing autism and I like to center autistic neologisms.

    2. Nightengale*

      I don’t think of my life as modified at all. Or perhaps it is so modified I don’t notice. I live alone, which suits my flavors of neurodivergence, and also means I can cook what I want when I want (except for the limits placed because I also have diabetes.) I live in a city with reasonable public transportation because I have no sense of direction and my life was a lot more limited when I was trying to drive and getting lost on a daily basis. I don’t travel for fun because. . . for me it’s not fun. I have a job that generally uses my strengths.

      Maybe the one thing I would consider a modification is that my main cell phone is a flip phone. I do have a smartphone but I use a bluetooth keyboard to access it because I have difficulty using touch screens so I mainly use it to check e-mails, maps and bus schedules.

    3. CanadaGoose*

      1. Items at the point of performance – all my “making-lunch” or (other example) makeup/skincare stuff should be in one place. My wallet is always in my bag, which is left at the door. Etc.
      2. Automate and use convenience services as often as possible to reduce executive dysfunction challenges. For example, auto bull pay would be great. One example that’s working for me is ordering groceries online for delivery – if I can’t think of what I will want to eat, the app will suggest items I purchased before, and reordering means I know what I’m getting (and don’t have to go into a store).
      3. Designing a couple of sensory-friendly spots in the house just for me. A sleep spot, a relax & unwind spot, and ideally a more active hobby/workout/meditation spot too. Still working on that last one. That spot could be out of the house, but not when my household is sick and the weather is freezing.

    4. Zephy*

      Mostly minor stuff.

      I carry earplugs with me all the time. My husband is a musician, so I mostly deploy them at his gigs, but I’ve also whipped them out at particularly loud and noisy restaurants, airports, etc.

      In the “very slightly transgressive” category: don’t let society tell you what kind of underwear to use, do what you gotta to be comfy. I’m AFAB with extremely powerful thighs, and on a whim one day last summer I stole a pair of my husband’s boxer-briefs to wear under a dress because I was sick of the chub-rub and my usual tricks (deodorant and cornstarch) were Simply Not Working anymore, it was Too Damn Hot. It worked like a charm, I’ve stolen two pairs at this point (but I make it up to him by buying him ~fancy~ replacements).

      1. bay scamp*

        Snag Tights (my preference) and Thigh Society make similar products for wearing under skirts, that might even be a bit more breathable than most boxer-briefs (and aren’t restrictive to “powerful thighs” unlike something like Spanx)… I agree that an actual garment works much better than powders or creams.

  23. Emma*

    I posted about finding knitting patterns earlier, but what I should have asked is: does anyone have any general advice for someone starting out?
    I’m planning to learn very slowly (probably practicing a few minutes, a few nights a week, using books and videos), just because of time constraints, and I will not have the opportunity to go to an in person yarn store or class except very rarely. I do have a more experienced knitter I can chat with in person once every few weeks.
    So far, I’m trying to focus on individual skills, one at a time. Like casting, and yarn holding. I’d like to eventually learn socks and cabling, but it’s a long term goal!

    Are there skills you think it’s helpful to focus on? Or skills that you find particularly fun (like a specific way of finishing or doing a border?)? Do you have particular types of yarn you like working with? I’d love long term things to aim for!

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Definitely start with a scarf, and I would focus on practicing knit and purl stitches and just getting the hang of holding the needles and yarn that works for you. There’s a few different ways to hold them and you can wrap the yarn around your finger to manage the tension once you have a bit of practice. I recommend a scarf because it’s literally a rectangle, you’re going back and forth, and you can practice a lot of different stitches/patterns within it if you want. If you create or accidentally drop stitches it’s not the end of the project like it might be for a really intricate lace shawl or something.

      For your first project I’d find a yarn that’s 8 ply or thicker (I believe this is aran weight or above) so you can watch the stitches and see how they form. Worth getting a yarn that’s not too expensive but in a colour/texture you like so you can wear your first project when you’re done (or when you’ve levelled up in your knitting skills you can unravel your first project and make something else from the yarn). For a beginner project I’d pick an acrylic or an acrylic/wool mix so the yarn isn’t too fuzzy and you can see what’s happening. I’ve never seen an op shop that *didn’t* have a jar full of knitting needles and most have some sort of yarn stash if you want to get everything cheap, but I’m pretty sure craft stores also do beginner knit kits with wool and needle combos.

      Good luck, remember to stretch your hands every now and then, and if it all goes pear shaped you can pull it off the needles and unravel the whole thing. Being able to undo mistakes is a great benefit to fibre crafting!

      1. Kacey*

        Definitely second the scarf. I tried both continental and English styles of knitting and ended up being more comfortable knitting English style (yarn fed from right hand). My friend learned from the same book (pre-widespread YouTube) and is a continental knitter. So worth trying both. Also I really struggled with regular stick style needles but love circulars, so it is worth trying both. Maybe see if your friend can lend you a set of whichever style you don’t have if you don’t want to spend the money.

        Once you are comfortable knitting and purling, try intentional yarn overs (easy to do accidentally while learning) and knit 2 stitches together.

        Socks are fun as it is almost magical the way a heel works. I also love how yarn overs and knit two together combine to create amazing designs in lace. Cables are cool too, particularly for knotwork style designs like you see in Celtic sweaters.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Be very careful about acrylics and don’t even touch Red Heart or Caron Simply Soft. They will wreak havoc on your hands and be terrible to wear and unpleasant to touch.

      For decent but inexpensive yarn (and needles), I like KnitPicks (dot com) – they have a lot of decently priced wool options and a good quality acrylic if you need it, and I love their wooden needles. (They also have both free and sale patterns.)

      Top advice:
      Try new things every chance you get. It’s string. You have scissors and thumbs. You will win. (I have been knitting for over 25 years and just spent last night picking out five rows of a sweater. But I won.) Go slow if you want to, but I found I learned a lot more if I just barreled on ahead and tried everything to see how it went :)

      like – cables LOOK crazy complex – but it’s just rearranging your stitches on your needle to knit them CDAB instead of ABCD. OH THIS ISN’T SO BAD! And then you’re off to the races. Socks – just a tube, with a closure at one end and a jog in the middle! Don’t let techniques scare you :)

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I love this: “It’s just string….You will win.” I’ve found that when I’m knitting, often I don’t understand the instructions as they’re written on the page (even after a decade doing this), but as I start to actually knit, it becomes clearer, so just plowing ahead and knitting through confusion is a good approach as you’re learning.

        I think just doing it regularly, knitting a scarf or whatever as you’re watching TV, is probably the best thing you can do early on, so you get comfortable holding the yarn and develop some muscle memory. And don’t let yourself get hung up on the idea of messing something up! This really stressed me out early on, but like Red Reader said, we’ve got scissors. :) It’s no big deal to make a mistake when you’re playing around with yarn. Heck, even messing up on a big scale is no big deal: you could knit a whole sweater and hate it, and then you just get the joy of ripping it all apart and using the yarn again!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I lecture my yarn all the time. “Look, buddy. I’ve got scissors. Misbehaving yarn doesn’t get to go in the project. Are you gonna behave, or am I cutting you off and reconnecting with your buddies farther back?” I swear it works, haha.

      2. Lifelong student*

        I agree with red heart- I am a crocheter- not a knitter. But I disagree with your opinion on Caron Simply Soft. I use it almost exclusively and compare anything else to it. I will only use those that are close to Simply Soft.

    3. BlueCactus*

      I’m a big fan of the Tin Can Knits Simple collection for beginners – it’s a set of patterns with tutorials that are structured to step up your skills slowly. I will also say that while conventional wisdom is to start with a scarf, and that’s absolutely a great thing to do, if you have a great deal of passion for, say, a hat, there’s no reason not to try it!

      Also, word of advice: casting on is probably the hardest of the core skills to master and it’s a joke of the universe that it’s the first thing you need to do. Don’t let it discourage you! When I taught knitting I would cast on for people in the first lesson and then teach knitting, purling, and binding off before jumping to casting on for their second project. If you have a knitting buddy who can help you with anything, I would prioritize help with casting on.

    4. Intermediate Knitter*

      Very Pink Knits has excellent free videos. She has good closeups of the knitting. Most videos are about one short topic and she has a beginner series with slow motion videos. Her videos were a huge help when I learned to knit.

      1. Reba*

        Great suggestion. I would also try on Youtube 10 Rows a Day (she has a whole playlist of beginner videos), the Purl Soho tutorials, and when you are getting more advanced, Roxanne Richardson. There are lots of great teachers!

    5. No name yet*

      I learned to knit (but not purl) as a kid, then re-taught myself as an adult. When I was re-learning, I used cheap-ish but sturdy acrylic yarn, and made blankets/mats that I could donate to animal shelters. I was still making something that could be of use (as long as no gaping holes), but didn’t have to otherwise worry about what it looked like. For me, that took the pressure off getting it exactly right, and I could just enjoy the process of learning.

    6. Joyful knitter*

      A big recommendation to learn the continental style way to hold your yarn and make the motions of knitting. It’s so much smoother, faster, easier to switch between knitted and purled stitches, and less variable in the motions so you end up with better (more even, more consistently shaped) stitches. It’s also a lot faster and easier to have a conversation or watch tv while knitting because your eyes don’t have to watch your hands so much.

      Also, a little old school but my hard copy Joy of Knitting book has been wonderful to have. De codes stitch abbreviations, shows you motion by motion illustrations (sometimes videos go too fast especially when you have to watch your hands). And for when you’re ready to make some changes to patterns it has a great library of stitches and their instructions.

      1. Christmas Carol*

        If you start out learning to knit or at least understnd, both English (yarn in the right hand) AND Continental (yarn in the left hand) right from the start, when you make the leap to two-color knitting pattern knitting, it’s a snap. Just put one color in each hand, and you don’t have to spend hours dropping and picking up the two different yarns. Also, you have the option of switching up if your hands get tired and/or injured. Left-handed knitters do usually prefer knitting Continental style.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          I knit continental only and for colorwork I hold two colors in the left hand at the same time, no dropping and picking up! But the two handed method makes it easier to keep the tension even, I believe.

    7. office hobbit*

      There’s lots of good advice here. Practice practice practice will give you that muscle memory and skill at tensioning the yarn and creating even stitches. Don’t worry if your stitches are uneven right now.

      I second the continental method. After I’d been knitting for about ten years I got frustrated with my speed and retaught myself to knit continental. But if you prefer how it feels to knit English or another style and you prefer the motions to a speedy output, that’s fine too. (You’ll see the concept of process knitters vs project (or is it product?) knitters referred to a lot: people who knit because they enjoy the activity vs people who knit because they want whatever they’re making. Of course many people are a combination.)

      Knit dishrags are a good beginner project as an alternative to scarves (and they go faster), but the disadvantage is that you’d want to make them out of cotton, and cotton yarn isn’t great for learning on: wool and acrylic have some stretch and bounce to the yarn while cotton has none. That affects how you tension yarn and form stitches. But you can keep those as an idea in your back pocket. Another idea would be to make squares out of wool or acrylic, and sew them together into an afghan.

      A hat is another good beginner project, and will introduce you to knitting in the round at small circumference, which is a skill you need for socks. But one allure of hats is that you can make them without purling…be careful not to neglect purling practice. In fact, if you make a square out of garter by knitting, make a second one in garter by purling. If you make a hat that’s all stockinette knit in the round, make a second one in reverse stockinette by purling (and then just turn it inside out and it’ll look the same as the first). Did I do this myself when learning? I sure didn’t, and my purling suffers. You can treat this as aspirational curriculum suggestions.

      The way I learned lots of techniques was to get a stitch dictionary and just work through it making sample squares of the patterns I liked. When there was a technique I didn’t know how to do, I looked it up. Your library should have some options for stitch dictionaries (“stitchionaries”). I’d recommend looking at them in person and trying a few first before buying one for yourself, because you’ll find you have opinions about the selection of patterns, the clarity of photos, how things are explained, etc. There are some Japanese stitchionaries recently published in the US that have absolutely beautiful patterns, really remarkable interplay of cables, lace, and subtle bobbles. I wouldn’t start with those because they can be complex, but they can be something to look for later.

      While at your library I would also recommend looking for those big, older, dense tomes of knitting information. Joy of Knitting is great. I also have one by Monste Stanley (I am probably misremembering her first name but I don’t want to navigate away from this page and lose my comment progress). For websites along these lines, I recommend the Tech Knitter blog. I have learned so many things just by reading through these resources. The increase in popularity in knitting in recent years is great, but I find a lot of the information available online (unless you really dig and know where to dig, which is increasingly harder as search engines become worse) is fairly superficial, a lot of people repeating the same things. When or if you want to dig deeper, those books and site are where I’d start. (There are also people developing or popularizing new skills now, which is great, but you have to know where to find them, which at this moment I don’t, lol.)

      On that note, some of the knitting videos I’ve seen online are wrong about things, so if you find yourself watching something and it contradicts something you’ve already learned from a reputable source, use your judgment. It’s nice that enthusiastic people want to share what they know, but just posting a video doesn’t make them any more right than if they were another customer you chatted with at the yarn store. I don’t have specific channels to warn against, these are just videos I’ve stumbled across.

      Socks and cabling are both not hard, necessarily. To learn cables, find a stitch pattern with clear consistent cable crossings, mainly 2 stitch width. Make sure the pattern has A CHART. I feel strongly about this lol. Learn your cables with a chart, it makes them so much easier. Then just do it. Make a sample swatch to start: cables affect the stretch and width of the knitting, so it can be frustrating to try them on a hat and have the hat turn out newborn-size. You will catch the knack and then it won’t feel complicated. For two stitch cables, many people don’t use a cable needle after a while. I might have learned that trick on Yarn Harlot (a long-running knitting blog).

      Socks can also be very simple. You will want to knit in the round, your two options for something at sock diameter will be double pointed needles or magic looping. You will see impassioned arguments for both, so it just comes down to what you prefer personally. Be prepared for the cast on and first few rounds (rows) to be frustrating, but after you’ve done an inch or few cm it stabilizes. You will want to be comfortable with your basic knitting and ribbing skills before you start a sock, but honestly I feel you don’t need to know a lot else; they take other skills but you can learn them as you make the sock. Start with PJ socks so you won’t be too disappointed if they’re the wrong size (they likely will be). Make a gauge swatch first. I don’t see a need to practice with larger-gauge needles in the round before you start socks, since the way they fit in your hands is so different anyway. For your first sock, I would do a traditional heel flap style. You will see people saying short row heels are just as good, but that depends on your foot (they always slide down for me). There should be plenty of free basic sock tutorials online, I think Tin Can knits likely has one? If the sock bug bites you, there are all sorts of heel styles to go down the rabbit hole of. Cat Bodhi (I may also be misremembering this name) developed several fun ones. Sock yarns are easy to find: Cascade makes some good ones, and Patton’s Kroy is one you can find at craft stores. Your local yarn store will also be overflowing with beautiful options. Knit Picks has several lovely sock yarn options, but unfortunately all my superwash socks from Knit Picks have started to shrink and mildly felt.

      I think I have talked enough! I’m afraid to know how long this comment is…

      1. office hobbit*

        Correcting myself… Montse Stanley, Cat Bordhi, Tech Knitting blog. (I *knew* it was Bordhi but my keyboard’s suggestions led me astray!)

      2. Emma*

        Thank you for this really comprehensive comment! I hadn’t heard of stitch dictionaries. I think that’s exactly what I need. Right now, I’m practicing with the same yarn, and just pulling it apart and starting again to keep practicing.

        1. office hobbit*

          That’s what I did when starting too! Eventually the yarn will get too bedraggled to form clear stitches, but you can get a lot of practice uses out of it first (and when it does get bedraggled, sometimes you rejuvenate it by soaking it: wind it in a big loop over the back of a chair, secure it in a few places, and gently soak it in water. Gently squeeze it out in a towel, then set it flat to air dry. If the yarn is wool, be more gentle than you think you need to be). There’s no need to make a lot of practice objects if you’re happy knitting and unraveling.

    8. Emmy Noether*

      I agree with the other advice posted, but wanted to emphasize two things:

      – knitting takes practice, especially getting an even tension, which is all about muscle memory. I would alternate small, quick-win projects (hats…) with projects that have long stretches of very repetitive, simple stitches. It’s the way to build your muscle memory and get beautiful, even stitching. The better your basic stitches are, the better everything will be. Doesn’t mean you have to only do boring things, just know everything will get better and better with practice.

      – Use yarn that feels good. And feeling good touching it 5 seconds in a ball and feeling good gliding over your fingers for hours aren’t necessarily the same thing. I’m partial to natural fibers, but you have to test what you like. Wool is more forgiving than cotton or linen (because wool has a bit of natural stretch). Don’t use fuzzy yarn as a beginner, it’s harder to see what you’re doing and harder to unravel. If a yarn feels like it’s fighting you, or irritating your hands, it’s ok to abandon it and try something else. It might really be the yarn.
      Ask around if a knitter you know wants to destash some of their yarn and give it to you for cheap. Thrift stores also sometimes have yarn. You can get good quality yarn that maybe isn’t your favorite color, but also won’t be quite so expensive.

    9. Qwerty*

      I found it helpful to learn one skill at time. So here is kinda how it went:

      1. Scrap for practice. Learn how to knit all stitches without adding or dropping stitches. Learn to purl all rows for a bit. Learn how to alternate a knit row and purl row.

      2. Squares and rectangles! Things like Scarves, pot holders, blanket squares. Start learning easy patterns where you are repeating the same 1-2 rows each time

      3. Add lace like patterns with yarn overs and joining stitches together. Still sticking with my squares and rectangles

      4. Cable time!

      5. Multiple needles because my sister wanted leg warmers. This was stressful not fun, so did not pursue advanced techniques

      I found Ravelry to be a great site for easy patterns. Occasionally I bought instruction books for $5 at Michaels/Joanns if I liked the instructions and there was a relevant pattern to try.

      There are some pattern books for making a sampler blanket – each square in the blanket is a different pattern and then you sew them all together to have a quilt-sized knit blanket. I always debated this but decided that I’m not consistent enough for those squares to come out the same size.

      For yarn – figure out what store is easiest for you and pick a yarn they carry a lot of. I like Caron Simply Soft because it used to go on sale frequently, was soft enough for baby blankets and scarves, and you don’t have to worry about a dye lot number because their colors are consistent. Most craft stores have switched to their own brand so I now I just get whatever the Loops & Threads equivalent is if at Michaels or Yarn Bee if at Hobby Lobby.

    10. Your Mom Though*

      I haven’t seen anyone mention this but make sure you’re not twisting your stitches accidentally. It’s something that is easy to do accidentally, and lots of self-taught knitters do it accidentally.

      Twisted stitches can be useful in certain scenarios and can create any number of effects, but will, when done accidentally, cause your knitting to look wonky, bias in one direction, be less stretchy, and drape less well. There are lots of ways to achieve knit stitches, lots of ways to wrap the yarn to accomplish different things, I would read up on 1) what a twisted stitch is and 2) how to prevent or correct it early on, before habits start to form. Good luck!!

  24. Binge-watcher*

    looking for websites as an alternative to doomscrolling, AITA stories and the like. any suggestions?
    I enjoy sites like Bored Panda and cheezburger.com most of the time but there seems to be more and more rage bait and I don’t want to get suckered into iy.
    Thanks in advance,

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My Modern Met has art stories, some overlap with Bored Panda but none of the rage bait.

      Looking at it just now there’s a piece on spray painting hyper realistic portraits, which I would not have thought was a thing one could do.

    2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      TVTROPES the great browser narcotic. It’s actually bedtime reading at the moment.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      For animals stories, I like the dodo. The front page right now has a story about a cute little therapy Chihuahua in Brazil.

      Over on YouTube, I like to watch videos from the Golden Kobe Family. They’re a young British couple with a golden retriever named Kobe and a doberman named Moki that do rescue work with dogs mostly from (what I can tell) eastern Europe. So many great stories there!

      1. Don't make me come over there*

        I LOVE the Oregon Zoo’s posts. Otters, red pandas, baby elephants, taking various animals for walks to visit other animals’ habitats…5 stars

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Huffpost Tweets are very funny; they have collections once a week of pet tweets, marriage tweets, parenting tweets, you name it.

    7. Jay*

      -Thought Potato: They do these videos treating mythological and cryptozoological critters as scientific discovery. The writing is actually top notch. I work in the sciences/science adjacent and these just hit the spot. Incredibly fun and interesting, while not being heavy.
      -Movies With Miranda: She is a trip. A young woman just discovering older movies for the first time. Her joy is infectious and seeing old favorites through new eyes brings back some of the amazement I felt the first time. Her reaction to her first Mel Brooks movie was priceless.
      -Casual Geographic: A cool, funny animal series. Any attempt to try to explain wouldn’t really do it justice. Just try it!
      -1-900-HOTDOG: Deeply, DEEPLY not safe for work, but also maybe the funniest thing out there right now. These are videos of their podcast episodes. And they have a stable of actual human writers that they actually pay actually well. Some of those are titled “Bigfeets”. These are a separate podcast by the same people. It’s a watchalong podcast for the show Mountain Monsters, the best bad t.v. show ever. This is somehow even funnier than their regular ones. And often even more NSFW.
      -Screen Junkies: This is the “Honest Trailers” guy. Just hilarious takes on big movie trailers. It’s pure joy.
      -Lost In The Pond: A fish-out-of-water journal type show from a hilarious British comedian adjusting to living in the American Midwest and doing videos of all the strange differences he finds. His voice alone is worth the watch.
      -Shadiversity: The crazy New Zealand sword guy who is way too into swords, but is crazy enough to make it fun.
      -Tasting History: Recipes from the past and accompanying history lessons. I’m not doing it justice here. It’s wonderful.
      -SlicK: What if some absolute lunatic let Genndy Tartakovsky make Godzilla cartoons. Yes, it may very well be the best thing ever.
      -Lost Utopia Films: Really good fan-made short Godzilla movies. A couple of them have gotten some real buzz.
      -How To Drink: Tasting History, but lower budget and very, very drunk.
      -Lindsay Nikole: Fast talking, foul mouthed young biologist explaining the weirder aspects of nature. Pure joy. Also, NSFW.
      -The Mystery Science 3000 Official YouTube Chanel: Speaks for itself. A national treasure.
      Hope this helps.

      1. Jackalope*

        For a book version of one of your suggestions, I recommend the Incryptid series by Seanan McGuire. The series is about a cryptic zoologist family, and has a lot of scientific accuracy in the description of the cryptids, although obviously some of it is made up. And it’s one of the few long series I’ve found that stays good through the whole thing rather than running out of ideas after the first few books.

    8. Shiny Penny*

      Ze Frank: True Facts
      On you-tube
      Hilarity and science and animals. The giraffe one is especially amazing.

      We Rate Dogs
      On you-tube
      A top ten list of awesome dogs every Friday. Lots of warm fuzzies!

  25. WellRed*

    Can anyone recommend a good resource (book, website, forum) to research HRT? I’m suffering primarily from sleep issues and brain fog. Trying to poke around the web gets me inundated with online Rx sites.

    1. Spill the HRT*

      You will probably want to clear your cache and delete browsing history, anyway, or search via incognito or similar.

      Mayo Clinic is helpful. AARP. As a woman of a certain age, I find my local Facebook groups are really helpful, actually, in hearing about other people’s experiences and local doctors who are helpful. Many allow anonymous posts

      I was glad I talked to my doctor about my issues and got on 1 mg of estrogen. I didn’t suggest the solution- I just said, these are my problems, here’s why I can’t deal with it (I need sleep! I have young kids! I have to work!) and he suggested the meds and answered my questions. My night sweats stopped within the week and my mood improved too

      I hope you have a good experience, whatever your choice!

    2. hello!*

      I thought The Menopause manifesto by Jen Gunter was pretty good. Will Also add that HRT was a total game changer for getting semi-decent sleep. Sadly, have aged out.

    3. Sutemi*

      I highly recommend Dr. Jen Gunter’s book Menopause Manifesto. She has a conversational style that goes reasonably deep into the science of what we know about menopause and discusses all the options that are available for treatment.

      1. WellRed*

        Funny! I have this on my shelf so just grabbed for a reread of those chapters. Definitely helped somewhat. I don’t really have a GYN (the practice schedules me with whoever fir my yearly) but I’ll make an appointment for that and tell he scheduler I want one who specializes in menopause not childbirth. Still welcome other recommendations, though!

        1. AnotherAcademic*

          When I was first dealing with (peri)menopause, I found it very helpful to read about possible symptoms online and make a long and detailed list of my symptoms. So often doctors (especially male ones, ime) blow off complaints related to menopause. Thus, I went in with a thorough list and was prepared to fight for HRT if need be. (I didn’t, thankfully). One other note: doctors often will insist on testing for the presence of a specific hormone (FSH) in the blood, to see if you’re menopausal, but that hormone is not always present–it’s fine to test for it, but it shouldn’t be the final determiner.

          Note: I am not a doctor, just a patient. My life was turned upside down by the symptoms of peri-menopause, and getting HRT was an absolute game-changer. (Frankly, I’m a little worried that HRT may be eventually targeted by a broad brush by the current administration, since trans* folks take hormones, and since most of the administration are straight dudes. So I’d recommend pursuing this sooner rather than delaying.)

          1. WellRed*

            This is my plan. Prepare! And I’ve already had the FSH because I see an endo for diabetes and had her order it just to see.

          2. Fives*

            This is what I did. I saw what other women said they were experiencing and realized I wasn’t just falling apart. I made a list of what I was experiencing and gave a detailed list. This time, my gynecologist ran a blood test and it timed right (with the hormone fluctuations) and she called to tell me I was in perimeno. I got on HRT within a week or so. It has helped a lot but perimeno is just the gift that keeps on giving.

    4. Fives*

      I read Mary Claire Haver’s “The New Menopause” and got a lot of good info. I have the “Menopause Manifesto” but haven’t read it yet.

    5. Part time lab tech*

      Podcasts “Dr Louise Newson” and “The Ageing Project” if you see this so late.

    6. Zebydeb*

      Everything You Need to Know About the Menopause (but Were Too Afraid to Ask) by Kate Muir has a detailed section on HRT options.

    7. Shirley You're Joking*

      There is a book that my gynecologist recommended I read before deciding on HRT. It’s called Estrogen Matters. Great book and helped me feel that I was totally on board with my doctor’s approach to HRT.

      There was a NYTimes magazine article from 2023 called “Women Have Been Misled About Menopause,” which I recommend to anyone who hasn’t seen it.

    8. Shiny Penny*

      My elderly relative uses low dose bio-identical HRT in her 80’s to ward off the osteoporosis that her mother suffered severely from. There seems to be newer evidence that this is a safer choice than traditionally thought. She isn’t getting as much pushback from her traditional western medicine MD’s as she used to. They’ve agreed to prescribe it all along.
      I found a site that looks like it discusses some new findings. I’ll post a link next.

  26. Falling Diphthong*

    The Spanish Inquisition and I are discussing who gets to sit in the armchair. While technically The Spanish Inquisition is a smallish cat, she has the weight of 10,000 suns and so is difficult to move.

    2. Liminality*

      Both, both is good.
      Human makes butt-contact with chair, cat sits on top of human.
      Consider keeping a small-is supply of chaseable treats next to the chair to use as a distraction. This will allow you to motivate the kitty to relocate themselves voluntarily either from the chair or from your lap.
      Good feelings abound!
      (That said, if cat is in chair first, they do have legal possession of the space until such time as they choose to leave it.)

        1. ReallyBadPerson*

          You must learn the marker method of cat repulsion: put a pile of books or a basket of laundry in your place on the chair.

        2. Jackalope*

          I will confess that I’m the kind of evil person who will make my cats move when they take my spot. I will explain to them that they have a lot more options than I do for places to sit or sleep in whatever room we’re in, including my lap once I’m sitting down, but I’m much more limited.

        3. Marion Ravenwood*

          This is my life with my old lady cat. The second I get up from my desk chair to make tea or use the loo, she steals my seat. So then I move to the couch and she comes over there to sit with/on me. I suppose it’s good exercise but at the same time sometimes I’d just like to sit down!

    3. Notmyusualname*

      Same, but with my dog. I am up here in my office because he took the recliner and won’t give it back.

  27. Help me find this movie!*

    Help me find this movie! A while ago I watched a movie (probably on Amazon Prime) about an aging father and his adult daughter who run a death doula or death counseling business (I’m not sure of the correct term). The father is aging, the daughter is socially awkward around most people but somehow great in comforting people who are dying, there’s a lot of dry humor, over the course of the movie something heartwarming happens and I think she maybe falls in love (?). This is all so vague but can anyone help me figure out the name of the movie? I can’t find it for the life of me, and I remember quite liking it!

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      This sounds a bit like the plot of a film I read the review for on the Guardian which was set in China called The Last Dance.

    2. Anon75*

      Wellmania is a TV show that has one episode with a death doula. not sure if this is the right answer but thought I’d throw it out there.

  28. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    Coming up to my 21st wedding anniversary! Looking for geeky ideas for the day. Multiplayer games that run on both windows and Mac needed.

    (Our first date was playing Diablo 2)

    1. Ochre*

      The timing isn’t quite right, but how do you feel about one of the Civ games? Or Age of Empires?

    3. Anono-me*

      Not a much of a gamer but wanted to say Happy Aniversary. What about writing a love letter focuing on all the wonderful things you noticed about your sweetheart on that first date.

    4. Anono-me*

      Not a much of a gamer but wanted to say Happy Aniversary. What about writing a love letter focuing on all the wonderful things you noticed about your sweetheart on that first date and how those traits have your life better and happier the past 21 years.

  29. You Can Call Me Flower*

    My husband and I are taking a trip to Bar Harbor, Maine in August. Hiking Acadia National Park is on my bucket list. Does anyone have any hotel or restaurant recommendations?

    1. Time after time*

      Having popovers at Jordan Pond House in the park is a classic part of the Acadia experience, but make reservations as far ahead as you possibly can because it’s gotten more and more packed every year.

    3. Just a name*

      We stayed in Southwest Harbor (away from the busyness of Bar Harbor) in a rental. Make reservations for Cadillac mountain as well as Jordan pond. Abel’s Lobster was my favorite lobster place by far. 13 Abels Ln, Mount Desert Island, ME 04660. If you are in SouthwestHaror, we enjoyed dining at Red Sky (reservations) and the Batson River Fish Camp at the Claremont Hotel. Most rental companies want a week but we were there late in the season and were able to find one willing to do less. Airbnbs were available as well.

    4. FrontlinER*

      We were there in September and thoroughly enjoyed staying at the Bar Harbor Villager Motel. It’s smack dab in the middle of downtown, walking distance to pretty much everything. Don’t let the “motel” fool you, nothing seedy about it. It had a great breakfast and Acadia was a 10 min drive away. Would absolutely stay there again.
      Seconding the commenter above that recommended making reservations for the Jordan Pond House cause it was absolutely packed the day we were there.
      Get the reservation for Cadillac Mountain with the National Park Service. It’s like $12 and completely worth it.
      Also, I wish we would’ve been able to bike through Acadia. We went on a rainy day and could not. I know you want to hike, but biking is a great way to see it too! Just a thought.

    5. Kay*

      Havana has the best food in Bar Harbor, in my opinion.

      Sadly, I haven’t found a place to stay that I love – but I would recommend picking something that checks off a box for you. Is it close to trails you want to do, does it have an amazing view you want, are you looking walkability, etc? Bar Harbor itself is pretty busy so I would try to get someplace where you can access the park without always having to go through it, if possible. The shuttle is an option if you don’t plan to hike late or go to outlying places, but make sure you check the hours/locations before opting out of a car as taxis are also a limited option.

  30. Phone accessibility*

    My husband has resisted owning a cell phone up until now, but he can no longer avoid it due to eldercare responsibilities. I use an Android so that’s what I got him, too (G**gle calendar sharing, etc).

    Problem is, he is red-green colorblind and is struggling with every aspect of the UI and apps. For example, he can’t read calendar entries because they’re on brightly-colored bands. Dark mode versus light mode doesn’t help. No stock setting changes are doing any good.

    Does anyone know of any resources that can help, like a skin that changes all app appearances? I’m fairly handy (I use GrapheneOS on my own phone) so even something on Github or similar would be welcome.

        1. Roland*

          Why not? Not doubting, just hoping to better understand what you are looking for. I would have thought that b&w would solve all issues of red-green colorblindness but I guess there is something else you need?

          1. ThatGirl*

            Yeah I’m confused too, my husband is also red green colorblind and has no problem with his phone.

          2. Reader*

            Yeah, maybe there’s another issue with his vision or reading abilities that this is helping to surface?

    2. Mutually supportive*

      I have a Motorola phone and the settings>accessibility>colours menu has a “colour correction” setting that you can adjust for different types of colour blindness

      Google “accessibility settings colour blind [phone type]” and that should fine similar for his phone

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      This feels dumb to ask but have you found the accessibility settings? On my (very old) Android the “visibility enhancements” menu offers changes beyond the standard settings, including color adjustments that say they’re for colorblindness and a custom option as well.
      For the calendar specifically you might be able to find a different calendar app with a more friendly appearance. Accessibility is a real pain on phones, it took me several months to figure out how to get my new iphone to switch to something more migraine friendly when needed.

    5. Texan In Exile*

      OK this is bad design and it makes me angry on his behalf. I worked at a company that designed warehouse systems, including the software and the machine interfaces. I was looking at the proposed interfaces and asked why they didn’t use colors I liked better.

      All the engineers looked at me as if I were an idiot: “Because we have to be sure anyone who is colorblind can read it.”

      This is not a new problem and it shouldn’t be happening.

    6. Anima*

      As an UX person: I feel for your husband. Accessibility is often an afterthought, and I strive to not design user experiencea with accessibility as such.
      That said, have you found the setting for bigger font size? I too have issues reading small text on my phone (especially when it’s white on any lighter colour like spring green), but android allows you to set it bigger system wide.
      Go to: settings > display > font size
      It helps me greatly.
      Regarding the calendar: the colours of the entrys can be customised in G****e calendar, it’s tedious at the beginning, but this also helps me (no more white on yellow).

  31. Phoebe*

    Does anyone have suggestions on how to get smells out of polyester clothes?

    I can wear a 100% cotton shirt for a few days and get it sweaty and it won’t smell at all. I have some shirts I love that are half cotton and half polyester though. Those don’t smell after being washed, but after wearing them an hour or two they start stinking even if I’m not sweaty. I’ve read that the polyester traps body oils and bacteria that don’t get washed out with regular laundry detergent, and then your body heat makes your shirt start smelling immediately.

    I’m going to try adding a cup of vinegar to the softener section on my washing machine, but I read that vinegar can erode your clothes and washing machine parts over time so it’s not a good long term solution even if it works.

    I see an OxiClean Odor Blaster that you can add to laundry, and a Tide Ultra Oxi with Odor Eliminator that I’m leaning toward since I already use Tide. But they don’t explain how they remove odors, so I wonder if they just have extra fragrance to cover up smells. Have you guys had any success getting smells out of partial polyester clothes?

    1. mreasy*

      I use a dry detergent that is designed for athletic wear and I find it does a better job than standard. The kind I used to buy, Defunkify, was excellent, but I can’t find it anymore so I just get store brand “sports” laundry detergent which is fine too.

    2. Reba*

      You can try a laundry sanitizer add in (Lysol)
      Or some of the active wear formulas are quite good (Biokleen sport, Hex, dropps …)

      A vinegar soak before washing may help with smells for a bit, but it’s a pretty weak disinfectant and putting it in the laundry machine is pointless (for this function), as it’s diluted and also neutralized by your detergent, which has ingredients that are just as effective against microbes if not more.

    5. Notmyusualname*

      I use Nature’s Miracle – the stuff designed for pet pee on my tech fabric running clothes. Spray in the extra stinky areas like the pits and let sit, then wash with a detergent meant for odor removal. I like defunkify – it is fragrance free. I used to toss some Natures Miracle in the load before I found the defunkify.

      Do not put the clothes that are susceptible to this in the dryer.

      If they have been stinking awhile you may want to try soaking them in the enzyme cleaner or a vinegar solution in a bucket before washing them.

    6. Teal Tshirt*

      I can’t speak to cleaning the fabric, but I’ve only ever used vinegar as softener and my washing machine is 15 or so years old. Anecdata of course, but still.

    7. Percy Weasley*

      Look up the Laundry Evangelist; I know he has remedies for this. I think his book title is Laundry Love or find his interview on the Art of Manliness podcast from last year.

    8. Jay*

      I use a product called OdoBan on the horrifyingly stenchy wearables that are returned to the company I work at by exiting employees.
      If it will work for that, it will work for anything.
      It’s also good for deodorizing dumpsters.

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Which version of OdoBan are you using? Is it possibly fragrance free?
        It turns out there are a LOT of different OdoBan choices!
        They make a sanitizing fragrance free floor cleaner that sounds great so I’m getting that for my Mom’s apartment, and I’ll try it on the attic T’s. It seems unlikely to be the OdoBan you’ve had success with, though.

        1. Jay*

          I use whatever they have in gallon jugs at the hardware store, honestly.
          I think the current jugs are something called “Night Ice”.

    9. RLC*

      Pre soak in solution of water and borax. The manufacturer of the most common brand of borax sold in the US has instructions on their website (20muleteamlaundry(dot)com) for using borax in home laundry.

    10. HannahS*

      Yes! Hello, I am you, we have the same problem. Things that help:
      -before washing, scrub the underarms with dish soap and a scrub brush or toothbrush
      -try an oxi-clean soak (just regular oxiclean, the full 24h version.) It’s hard on clothes, but it works
      -wash in hotter water, if you’re washing on cold
      -eliminate polyester from your wardrobe (this is what I eventually had to do)

    11. Shiny Penny*

      Have you tried spraying your clothes with Everclear or vodka?
      I got a few cool old band tshirts from a friend’s attic clear-out, and omg they stank. Like, I hung them outside and could smell them from 15 feet away after multiple attempts at cleaning.
      I tried various permutations of overnight soaking, and washing with: vinegar, baking soda, borax, regular laundry soap, and dawn dish soap.
      That all barely made a dent in the mildew/body stench.
      I read that all the theater costumers use vodka spray, and when I added that to the mix it did help. It wasn’t an instant win for my project, but the theater people agreed it was great for body oils specifically. My tshirts definitely have a mildew component.
      I’m excited to try Jay’s Odo-ban idea!

      1. Janne*

        If you haven’t tried an enzyme cleaner, you definitely should try that too. My experience is that enzyme cleaners work great on smells that come from bacteria/fungi in fabric. I run through mud as a hobby, and the only way to get the smell of rotting mud out of my sports leggings is a soak in an enzyme cleaner. Works best in lukewarm water, not cold.

        Getting mildew out of towels also works great with enzyme cleaner.

        The brand I use is called BioTex. It’s not colorsafe so only soak 1 color at once.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Great tip, thank you! “Rotting mud” seems pretty equivalent to the attic/mildew/ancient BO stench

      2. The Wickedly Talented Adele Dazeem*

        The vodka in a spray bottle trick works! I’m a volunteer costumer for high school theater and we wear a lot of polyester and have a lot of sweat and general smelliness.

    12. Joie De Vivre*

      I use Mrs Meyers baby blossom laundry detergent for my running clothes – works great. No more funky BO odors on clean clothes.

  32. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    New homeowner question: Mysteriously, yesterday some of the lights and outlets in my apartment stopped working. I checked the breaker box and everything seems fine. Do I call the power company or try to find a local electrician? Snowflake consideration: there is a big winter storm about to hit my city and the power company is unresponsive at the best of times.

    1. Squidhead*

      Do you have a GFCI outlet anywhere that is tripped? If so, anything fed “downstream” of it will also not be working.

      Sometimes when a breaker trips the handle doesn’t move all the way over & it just looks slightly out of alignment. So it could be worth re-checking the breaker box if the GFCI thing doesn’t pan out.

      In either case if I personally found one GFCI tripped (or one breaker) I would try resetting it one time. If it stays on, cool, I’d chalk it up as a fluke. If it cuts out again I’d do more investigating (unplug all appliances on the affected outlets, inspect all cords, try to narrow it down to one device) or call someone. But I’m pretty familiar with my house so I’d feel confident that I wasn’t ignoring a fire hazard. In a new house where I wasn’t sure how everything was hooked up, I’d be more cautious.

      In my northeastern US city these would *not* be power company issues, they would be electrician issues.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Seconding the GFI outlets, there’s one in my house that turns off the power to a different room when it trips, because it’s run on the same line.

        Also, check for damage on all the outlets, last time we had a section of the house lose power it turned out that a particular outlet had melted and blocked everything “downstream”.

        Generally speaking, if the problem is inside the building, it’s “your” problem and you’d need an electrician, but if the problem is outside it’s on the electric company to sort out. If you’re in an apartment, is there a maintenance person that manages certain things? They might have specific advice for your apartment.

    2. Girasol*

      When half our house outlets quit, it was definitely a power company problem. The main cable to the house was damaged. That might not always be the case when a number of outlets quit without explanation, but I’m glad we called the power company first.

    3. WellRed*

      This happened to me recently and it was the GFCI (red button one, located near water source typically).

    4. Indolent Libertine*

      Another hand up for GFCI as the culprit, this happened to us just recently. Note: even though I’m a professional musician with strong and well coordinated hands, I needed to use the blunt end of a letter opener to actually exert sufficient force on the offending button to punch it all the way in until the necessary click.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      A power transformer in the neighborhood might have blown, but that seems more likely to knock out a block or street instead of half of one apartment.

      Have you contacted your landlord/super? They probably have the lowdown on the particulars of the wiring in your building, and if it does need an electrician they’d want to be the ones booking it.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      GFCI was it for us, in the basement. Our new fridge was tripping it. An electrician took care of the matter.

    7. Rara Avis*

      For us it was a bad outlet, and it was killing everything downstream. Unfortunately, the first electrician missed the issue, and it wasn’t until we started smelling burning that we got it solved and found the bad outlet. (Luckily no damage beyond minor charting around the outlet.)

    8. Shiny Penny*

      It seems GFCI outlets can just die? And, as others have mentioned, then every electrical thing downstream will also not work.
      One in my kitchen died, but another string of outlets down low are fine (they run thru a different GFCI) so I just moved plugs and added it to the list for the next time I have an electrician out.
      I’ve also been fooled into thinking a string was dead when I actually just needed to reset the GFCI. Awkwardly used an extension cord for weeks before I suddenly realized OMG GFCI, and it reset just fine. Ha.
      I am shocked that other posters have found their problem was a power company problem— I had no idea that could happen!

      But yes maybe call maintenance if you’re in an apartment? Seems like one of the main benefits!

    9. Pretty as a Princess*

      Do you have any mystery switches that don’t seem to control any obvious light fixtures?

      Or did the half that stopped working… happen to work when you had a different fixture turned on?

      When we moved in to this house we learned the hard way that:
      – the light switch in the front room also controlled the *top* outlet of every outlet in the room. The bottom outlets always are powered, though.
      – there is a switch in the primary bedroom that controls all the top outlets in the room
      – some of the outlets in our family room are *also* controlled by the switch that controls the overhead lighting, but not all of them
      – every light fixture in the kitchen is controlled by at least two different 3-way switches. one “bank” of switches has a switch for each one of them and then
      — the panel of switches by the back door has a second switch for over the table
      — the panel of switchs at the top of the basement stairs has a second switch that controls the fixture over the island
      — the panel next to the sink on the right has a second switch for the canister lights in the ceiling
      — but wait! the panel next to the laundry room ALSO has a switch that controls the fixture over the island! (that island fixture has THREE switches that control it, all within 8 feet of each other)

      There are two panels inside my front door with a combined total of 12 switches. EVERY ONE of those bloody things controls a fixture that is also controlled by at least one other switch elsewhere (other end of hall, top of stairs, in the dining room, inside garage in basement……)

      There is also one switch in the primary bedroom that we still cannot tell WHAT it controls. We have lived here since 2006.

      I hate the electrician who designed this with the fire of 10 thousand switches.

    10. voluptuousfire*

      I had a similar issue last year with my old house. The power went out and only half the house’s electricity came back on. Turns out one of the breakers in the electrical panel was busted and needed to be replaced. Def have someone check it out! I had a local electrician look at it, I didn’t even think to consult the electric company.

  33. sewing machine woes*

    It’s a long shot, but does anyone have a book or blog recommendation for sewing machine repair? I have a relatively high-end pfaff, and its tensioning has always been not greatly stable. It’s supposed to have automatic tensioning, and it’ll be fine for a couple of weeks after service, but then the tension gradually gives up. I just “fixed” the latest problem by disabling the walking foot, but there must be a better solution.

    1. SuprisinglyADHD*

      If you know the exact model, you might be able to find a pdf of the manual online. Ifixit has been useful to me before. Depending on how new the machine is, it’s possible the company itself has the manual on their website (I found that Yamaha still has the manual for my 15 year old stereo). I’ve also had success searching for “[model number] [problem description] reddit” without quotes. Unfortunately I don’t have any resources for more generalized repair information.

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Yes, with a caution that if it’s a modern high-end Pfaff, do check warranty info first. Tinkering may void it. But – if it’s ok to proceed, most tensioning systems are mechanical and much the same as they have been for decades. I have rebuilt thrift shop sewing machines and sold them as a hobby for years. There are two out of print service manuals by Sincere’s you may want to search for on Biblio or Bookfinder, but they’re spendy. You could also look into The Complete Handbook of Sewing Machine Repair by Howard Hutchinson (TAB Books, 1980) or The Sewing Machine Master Guide by Clifford Blodget (self-published, 2013). The Pfaff website may also have service manuals available for download, or check the forums in Patternreview.com. Good luck to you!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Yeah, it’s fun. It requires patience and care, but it’s really rewarding. To clean up a scruffy thrift shop machine, make it work again and sell it for next to nothing or give it away to someone who wants or needs one has been a real pleasure. I’ve kept a few treasures. Sewing and I go back a long way, and I am thrilled it has come back for young and new sewers (who now call themselves ‘sewists’ – works for me!). Anything I can do to encourage sewing, I am all over it.

      2. sewing machine woes*

        thanks for the book recs. I’ve found a few books at my library, will check those out. It’s not new-new, and I’m sure it’s out of warranty ( more than 10 years old). It’s had this problem since the beginning, I’ve just gotten frustrated with it. Taking it to the pfaff centre fixes the problem temporarily – for a month or two. But, it takes a month and $200 for service there, and I’ve had enough.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Ah, well, a 10-year+ machine will almost certainly have some electronic parts (in addition to the mechanical parts). They must be handled with care. I then strongly suggest you browse some service manuals. Try archive.org with the search phrase, ‘pfaff sewing machine service manual.” That should give you a good start for your Pfaff model or at least similar ones. Cheering for you! It’s like doing your own taxes – tricky, can be tedious, but is totally worth it.

    3. Venus*

      A friend buys old sewing machines and relies on Youtube to fix them. It’s not guaranteed to work if no one has fixed that model and put it online, but definitely do a search to see if you get lucky!

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Great idea! Yes, there are lots of good YouTube videos. Their added advantage is audio – hearing what sick and healthy machines sound like is a great help. Also, some of the video presenters are retired sewing machine servicers or sales agents, who really know their stuff.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      There are vintage sewing machine groups on Facebook and Instagram, both general and for specific manufacturers. Sorry I don’t know much about Pfaff groups, because my vintage machine is a Singer 221. Featherweight groups probably wouldn’t help you.
      Companies used to issue service manuals for repair technicians separately from the owners manuals. Don’t know if they still do or not, but worth looking, I should think.

  34. Nicosloana*

    How often do you check your personal email? I’m getting a lot of teasing from my circle because I, a senior millennial here, typically only check it once in the evenings, and sometimes not on weekends. I “should” have it on my phone to be instantly reachable, but I don’t really like giving google that kind of access to my personal life, and honestly, I don’t get that many urgent emails on my personal account. I’m quite responsive to text.

    2. Maryn*

      I’m a senior-senior and I check my personal email a couple times a day, minimum. Five or six is not unusual, especially if I’m having any kind of back-and-forth with family or friends.

      My other emails, I check once a day or more, but for the most part that’s unnecessary.

      My husband, on the other hand, checks his email two or three times a week, and nothing I say can get him to do it more often. It’s rare for him to be too late to act on something, but it’s happened a few times.

    3. Jamie Starr*

      Usually once a day (evenings), unless I’m expecting someone to email me. Like if I’m interviewing for jobs, I’ll check it more frequently; or if I’ve hired a contractor/freelancer for something. I don’t have the email apps on my phone either — if I wanted to check it from my phone I’d have to log in via the internet. Like you, I don’t get a lot of emails and have privacy concerns.

    4. Clisby*

      3-4, maybe? I don’t check mail on my phone – if someone needs to reach me immediately they can text or call. The only way I check mail is on my laptop. (I’m 71).

    5. Phoebe*

      I’m a younger millennial, and I check my personal e-mail two or more times a day through the week, and once or twice over the weekend. I don’t get many urgent e-mails or anything, I just don’t like to let them pile up and I do get a lot of useful e-mails (like e-mails about when my library books have been auto-renewed or are due to be returned, or e-mails related to online orders and credit card charges). I could check less and be fine, but I think I check frequently out of habit from when I used to use e-mail to communicate with friends and family (which I do through text now).

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Also elder millennial – I have it on my phone and check it a couple times a day, but I don’t get immediate pop-up notifications except on my computer. Mostly because one, I hate the red dots on app icons and want to make them go away asap, and two, I inbox-zero all my mailboxes so I want to take care of whatever it is and get it out of my way asap. (Which is why I don’t just turn off the red dots.) All that is to say, I check it often because I want to make it go away fast. Haha.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        I do have notifications on for email, but I’m also quite disciplined about unsubscribing ftom the junk stuff, and Gmail only gives notifications for main emails, not for the socials type ones.

        However, I have turned the red dots off on every app. I hate them. They are literally designed to invoke a reaction (that is why they are red) and I just don’t want it!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I turn them off on a lot of things (and I do aggressively unsubscribe from junk email), but the apps that I do actually want to look at promptly if there is a notification that I miss (pretty much just Messages, my main email, or the phone app for missed calls, I think?) I leave them on and address them as soon as I see them.

          I know so many people who can ignore them and I’m just like “How do you deal with having that giant red dot yelling at you that you have 13, 672 unread emails. What is even the POINT.”

    7. Hlao-roo*

      I’m going to be an outlier here but I check maybe once a week. Very irregularly. Similar to you, I don’t get many urgent personal emails, I don’t have my email on my phone, and I am very responsive to text.

      Exceptions to the once-a-week-but-sometimes-longer:
      – if I’ve ordered something online, I check more frequently for package-tracking purposes
      – if I’m job-hunting, I generally check twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Same here – if I’m not actively doing something like job searching or checking for a package, I can accidentally go a week or two without checking my personal email. I want to get better about that and check 2-3 times a week, but I don’t think I’ll ever be a daily checker.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      As far as I’m concerned, unless I’m dealing with something time-sensitive, email is NOT for instantaneous communication. If someone wants me to answer in a few minutes, they should text me or call. The beauty of email is that both people don’t need to be available at the same time.
      Work email is different, there’s lots of time-sensitive stuff in there, but personal emails are for me to deal with when I have time and not before.

      1. Clisby*

        Exactly. If I for some reason need a quick answer on something, I’ll text or call. If I email someone, the only expectation I have is that they’ll respond something in the next week or so.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Same, but also like others I’ve really limited my subscriptions, promotions, etc. so most of my emails are actually stuff that is relevant or I want to read. I’m also an inbox-zero type of person (things stay in the inbox until they are dealt with and then they are filed appropriately)

    10. SoloKid*

      I check it whenever I get a notification, but I also have a very rigorous set of filters, so checking ends up happening daily at most.

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Late boomer (or Generation Jones, I guess – b 1960). I do have Email on my phone and I check it fairly often during the day. I was a late and reluctant convert to texting and I don’t love it because I feel like I have to respond right away.

      When I was working full-time, I spent a good chunk of my day at the computer, checked my personal Email a few times an hour and responded to things as soon as I saw them. These days I’m not nearly as quick – it’s still unusual for it take more than 24 hours, though.

    12. allathian*

      I don’t use my personal email for social talk, Whatsapp all the way. I check mine once a month, if that. SMS for most appointments (hairdresser, beautician, GP, dentist, etc.) Also mail deliveries. I subscribe to a few blogs by email, but they aren’t time-critical.

      If I’m looking for a new job I’ll check more often, like twice a day.

    13. RagingADHD*

      I have it on my phone, and I scroll the notifications but don’t necessarily open the app unless I need to reply to something. So I’m “checking” in some sense daily, but may only open it 2-3 times a week.

      I have gmail. Google has all my personal data anyway, so being on the phone doesn’t make any difference.

    14. Dark Macadamia*

      Also elder millennial, I turned off all notifications etc for my Gmail and refresh it manually maybe twice a day. Nothing I get is so urgent that it needs to interrupt my day and honestly I’m in surprised to find out there are people who think that’s weird! What kind of time-sensitive personal emails are these people receiving on a daily basis?

    15. Pam Adams*

      Late boomer- I check my personal email once or twice a day. I’m on work email all day, and almost nothing in my personal inbox is ever urgent. I’m mainly just making sure a bill doesn’t get lost in the shuffle.

      1. Christmas Carol*

        I’m a still employed late boomer too, and after spending 8 hours a day staring at my screen either for work or to read AAM, the last thing I want to do is get out of my work system to play with my personal e-mail. I’m lucky if I bother to check it once a week.

    16. Squidhead*

      Young Gen X and I get so little personal email…none of it urgent…that I could easily go a few days in between. I text or WhatsApp mostly, and even then I don’t usually expect an immediate response although sometimes it’s helpful.

      I don’t think of email as an urgent method of communication and apparently my friends and family don’t either. But this is probably a small-group-sensitive dynamic, not a sweeping generalization.

      I do have my personal email (Gmail) on my phone with notifications turned on for the inbox (I’ve written a lot of automatic sorting rules that move almost everything that isn’t a person-to-person email into folders and skip the inbox). So it’s easy to check new messages but I don’t always respond right away. If I think I’ll have an answer in a day or two I probably just wait a day or two to send a message. If it’s going to be longer I’ll send an update.

    17. goddessoftransitory*

      Twice a day–once in the morning, once at night. Otherwise the spam piles as high as an elephant’s eye.

    18. My Brain is Exploding*

      Once a day unless I’m expecting something. I also am responsive to texting and I do not check it on my phone.

    19. Nightengale*

      Multiple times a day.

      At home I keep it up on my computer. When I’m at work I keep it on my phone. I don’t get a lot of truly urgent e-mails but I do get multiple e-mails a day that need a response or for me to take some action, such as putting an event on my calendar. I am in leadership roles in two professional organizations that that I prefer to have on my personal e-mail than my work e-mail. And I don’t text so e-mail is also how I communicate with my mother and friends.

    21. KatCardigans*

      Oh, maybe I’m an outlier here. I’m a millennial and I check my personal email dozens of times a day. It’s one of the tabs I open without thinking about it. It’s not that I’m expecting urgent emails; I’ve just been keeping a close eye on that inbox since about 2008 and it’s pure muscle memory at this point!

      That’s on laptop, though. I don’t intentionally check emails or texts (or anything else) on my phone; I always wait for a notification.

    22. Qwerty*

      I’m trying to get in the habit of once per day. After being on a computer all day at work, I usually avoid my computer when I’m at home.

      In my twenties I was much more on top of email, but that was because I would just keep a tab open to gmail during the work day and had the flexibility to do any of my online tasks during the workday.

      I do have email on my phone, but with notifications turned off. Mostly because I have a Google Pixel so I’m logged in anyway and I find it handy for pulling up tickets or directions for networking events.

      I am slow to respond to texts as well – usually its a 24hr turnaround

    23. velveteen rabbit*

      I too am an elder millennial and I check my personal email maybe three or four times a month. I don’t get much in the way of actual emails and I really only keep an eye on it if I’m expecting confirmation of something.

    24. Bast*

      This really depends on what I’ve got going on. If I’m job hunting, I am checking a lot more frequently than usual. Likewise, if for whatever reason I am waiting on a particular person or place to email me, I am checking more frequently.

      I am on the younger end of the millennial spectrum, and on an average day when I am NOT waiting for someone/something, I would say at least twice a day, usually once in the morning and once in the afternoon after 3 or 4 ish. I have children, and outside of emergencies requiring calls, email is the main mode of communication with most of the teachers. If I am going to get an email about one of my children, it’s typically between 2-4 in the afternoon when the teacher has a moment to sit down and write it out.

  35. Nicki Name*

    Is there a way to get one’s furnace air filters reconfigured?

    Changing ours requires a ladder, a tall person, and some awkward contorting to free them for cleaning. Is there some way to make the setup more user-friendly? Is there a term for doing that? And who do you call to do that?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      How old is your furnace? We replaced ours last year, and based on what the 3 different quotes I got mentioned, the newer ones almost all have easy-access filters now. I don’t think you can change where it is right now without redoing your whole system, because where it’s supposed to be depends on the unit, and where it’s installed, and how the ducts and returned are routed, etc.
      But if yours is over 10 years old, especially if it’s close to 15, you might be due for replacing soon anyway, and when you do that, you can talk to the contractor about this specific concern.

    2. office hobbit*

      Whether or not it can be done will depend on the configuration of your specific system. You would call an HVAC company that works with ducted furnace systems.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I expect it can’t be changed until the whole furnace needs to be replaced.
      Then you have a chance, but in my experience, be super clear that ease of access is one of your must-haves, and double check it before you sign off on the job. I use crutches, ladders are not my best thing, I personally need to easily access all the controls myself, and I’m clear about all that.
      The last time I had to have my boiler replaced, I specified that the mixing valve AND the temperature control AND both emergency cut-off valves (water and gas) ALL needed to be easily reachable and easily visible.
      Then I had to be firm afterwards.
      Because the installer had built it with the mixing valve seven feet up, facing into a corner so you couldn’t even see the hole you had to stick a screwdriver into, or the markings for twisting that screwdriver to nudge the temperature up or down. Not sure if there was even enough room to *get* a screwdriver into the corner space. Lol.
      They sent the guy back out to cut off and reinstall the mixing valve. Still 7 feet up, but now easily visible and decently reachable.
      So, be clear— and also verify!

  36. Texan In Exile*

    Whoever recommended “Scotland, PA,” thank you! It was brilliant! I have recommended it to all my English major friends.

    I especially liked the interview with the writer, who said he made it for the stoners who had only read the Cliffnotes of Macbeth.

  37. Shutterdoula*

    I had to visit the ER this week. After a long wait, they took me back to a room, took vitals, told me a doctor would be in to see me.
    And then it started. The deluge of texts telling me my bill was ready to pay. Some from the hospital, some from the ER physician’s group, some from the insurance company (which owns the hospital and physician’s group)
    Before I even saw the doctor, I’d gotten 7 texts asking me to pay. By the end of the day, I’d gotten NINETEEN.
    I have started reporting the texts as junk and blocking the numbers, but I’m still getting 3-4 a day. They’re getting pretty obnoxious, saying things like “remember you have a legal obligation to pay and refusal to pay can have legal consequences”
    What happened to just sending a bill AFTER YOU GET THE SERVICE? It just boggles my mind that I’m sitting in the ER in serious need of medical help and they’re already harassing me for money. Repeatedly.
    And I want to see a bill and explanation of benefits before I pay, not just a text with a link to where I can pay a couple thousand for who know what.
    None of this makes me more inclined to pay them faster.
    Is this a new thing? I’ve had a ton of medical issues in the last 18 months, but this is my first time needing emergency care in a decade or so.

    3. Lynn*

      Are you sure the hospital didn’t get hacked? That sounds like spam to me. That just… doesn’t fit with how medical bills usually get paid (insurance, etc).

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I agree that it sounds very strange!
        Plus, unpaid medical bills can’t go against your credit report, at least in the US.

    4. AnonRN*

      I don’t think this is a new normal thing or I’d be hearing about it every day from patients.
      However, every single hospital in every single US state seems to operate differently, and that’s before you take into account insurance companies.*

      Speaking mostly as a consumer (since in my professional setting I have nothing to do with billing) I think you are correct to wait to see the EOB before sending payment. And to make sure the EOB came from the right branch of your insurance (my own insurance handles it differently if I get my blood drawn at the hospital lab vs a freestanding lab, and sometimes one EOB arrives before the other).

      In terms of addressing this actual situation, you can call the hospital Patient Relations department and complain. It won’t fix it for you this time, but maybe it will make it better for someone else next time. Maybe there’s a glitch in the system and this will help catch it, but you’re unlikely to get any direct follow-up from them about what they found so you’ll just have to hope it helps. You also may receive a follow-up survey after your visit and might be able to note your dissatisfaction there.

      *No, I can’t think of any single solution that would improve this, why do you ask?

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      That is definitely not normal, no, especially not if you have insurance on record.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      It is appalling, ridiculous and absolutely cockeyed from a billing point of view! Bills for medical things can go up and down by the minute depending on what tests are ordered and so on–how on earth could they say they had an accurate total BEFORE you’d seen a doctor?

    7. hummingbird*

      I don’t know that I received 19 but my last (only) visit to the ER a little over a year ago resulted in a lot of texts including to pay (but the site is vague. You want money send me something showing what I am paying for). I think mine occurred when someone came in to my room but wasn’t attending to me (FTR I came in for a dog bite so nothing too horrible/scary).

      At some point while checking in you probably agreed (eye roll) to receive SMS. It’s obnoxious. During an ER visit isn’t the time to “trick” someone into that. We can’t blame this on UnitedHC lol I have a different insurance.

    8. Anon for this one*

      I’ve been in the ER twice in the past four months and didn’t have this. It may just be your system.

    9. Reader*

      Yikes. I’ve never had anything like this for an ER visit in multiple states. Is it possible that you got a spam text/email early on that you clicked on that launched this deluge?? That seems super abnormal, and I wouldn’t want you to miss something and send money to the wrong place. (My mom recently googled the name of the government agency; the first result at the top was a fake site, where she entered her name and cell phone number and address to learn about coverage for her area – she immediately started getting DOZENS of texts a day.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Wow, imagine the evil genius of having a location-based scam text scheme that bombards people in medical facilities with fake medical bills. Hopefully that’s not what’s happening. If OP has any doubt the bills are real they should certainly ask to be connected with the billing department at the facility.

    10. Get well soon!*

      Not normal, likely spam. Healthcare is billed with very specific codes. You have to have a CPT (what you did) and an ICD 10 (why you did it). Who knows what level of care and tests will be needed? Who knows if the tests got done? You bill out based on services rendered. Spouse is an ER doc and I run a solo medical practice so we deal with this all the time

      Occasionally folks can pay their estimated portion of a procedure in advance, but that has to be something known and coded. The ER is definitely not that.

    11. Sloanicota*

      This happened to me at the emergency vet. The first thing they did (almost before helping my cat) was connect me to their digital payment platform via my phone. Then they were constantly adding bills that required payment even though they hadn’t done anything yet. Since they also required a hefty “prepayment” it was confusing – were these services under that prepayment or were they additional? But of course everyone was far too busy saving lives to answer questions.

    12. Girasol*

      Are you sure they’re from the real ER? I’ve had a bogus medical bill – official looking about how much trouble I’d have if I didn’t pay up promptly, but unclear about the service and date. I ignored it and never heard back. Whenever I go to the doctor once I tend to get several bills from different providers (lab, radiologist, etc.) but not very quickly. I think a fraudster sent me a bill in the blind hoping that I would be confused and just pay up. If yours came so fast, could they be bogus?

  38. Bibliovore*

    If you had money to splurge- to travel, have an experience, buy something that isn’t in the budget…what would you do.
    It is my 65th birthday. Lots of big feelings but mostly missing Mr. Bibliovore. (we had plans.)
    My therapist wants me to do something special. All I really do is work, household chores, and dog stuff.
    I cannot think of a thing- I have enough clothes, blankies, a roof over my head, health insurance. Time to do about 12 hours a week volunteering.

    1. H.Regalis*

      Me personally, I would take a trip to Cambodia. Someone in my grad school cohort is from there and she showed us a lot of pictures of the country and I always thought it looked amazing.

      I would say do something where you’re with other people, ideally friends or family you like spending time with so that you’re not alone with your thoughts.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      What I would do: One of two trips.
      • Kyoto, Japan. Love the art and ambience.
      • Visit child in Mountain West, then spend 2-3 weeks on a very slow road trip to visit child on West Coast.

      I can’t tell if the Mr. Bibliovore plan is unworkable or just doesn’t feel right. Is there a variation you can do? Is there something beautiful you would like to try? (I am really glad that last month I did a trip to a museum for a great exhibit, having learned about it just before it was due to leave.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        The Mr. Bibliovore plan was for me to retire- he was retired 10 years ago. We would downsize- do community work, travel, generally enjoy the life we worked so hard for. So now what?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s okay to enjoy your life. I can tell Mr. Bibliovore was a wonderful partner and he would want you to keep finding joy.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            This. He would want it to be a new chapter of discovery for you, even if it didn’t look like the chapter you planned together.

        2. Generic Name*

          This is obviously a MUCH different situation, but I felt similarly unmoored for a while after my ex moved out. He was generally a very controlling person and I spent a lot of time figuring out what he wanted and then executing it. Once he was gone, I definitely felt a sense of “now what”. In therapy, I realized that I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. So I had to sit and think about what made me happy versus whatever I did to keep the peace. Some things I didn’t change (there’s a local resort area I still enjoy vacationing at) some things I did (got rid of this particularly garish shade of paint that ex liked for some reason). It sounds like Mr. Bibliovore was a wonderful, loving husband. I bet that he’d want you to be content, whether that’s doing some of the same stuff you planned to do as a couple or if you go in a completely different direction. It’s tough to go from a couple where everything is decided in consideration of another person to go to doing what you alone want. You’ve gotten some great input in this thread, but you also don’t have to do anything if you really aren’t feeling it. My personal preference for celebrating a milestone birthday is to throw myself a big party at my house. :)

          1. Bibliovore*

            Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, against all odds (long story) we had a wonderful, loving supportive relationship. We were together 35 years. I still can’t bring myself to cook or eat his favorite foods. Yes, I have been inspired by people’s comments and advice.

    3. Forensic13*

      Sometimes it can be nice to replace something you’ve had for a while with a splurge upgrade. Like, your coat that’s “fine,” but you want a really great tailored one.

      Or you could buy a nice piece of art, or some other pricier handmade item, especially from a smaller artist or an artist in a marginalized community.

      Could you make a donation to the place you volunteer or other causes? I’m a huge fan of things like bail funds, where the money cycles a lot and your donation might be “re-used” several times.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree, if I had unlimited money I would travel to the studio of an artist I love in New Orleans, probably make an appointment with their staff to look through allllll the art, and buy my favorite piece even if it’s way more than what I could afford now (since money is no object in this fantasy). So it would be an experience, a vacation, a contribution to the arts, and a gift for myself all in one.

    4. Lifelong student*

      Why would you do something to please your therapist? Do what you want to do- even if what you want to do is nothing!

      1. Roland*

        I mean, the therapist presumably suggested things they believe would help Bibliovore, not things they think will make them (the therapist ) happy. Biblio asked for ideas so let’s not discourage them from working with their medical providers.

      2. Bibliovore*

        I have been very lucky with grief counselors. To say that one saved my life when my husband died suddenly would not be an exaggeration. I have also learned that my immediate reaction is nope not going to do that.
        That said- when I follow good orderly direction especially from a professional (who I pay for advice) things usually work out better. I trust this guy. But unfortunately, I have to find what will work for me that is why I asked here. Sometimes the commentariat sparks something.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yes, I have an inner automatic “nope” too, and while it’s frustrating sometimes not to be able to trust my instincts – because my instinct is almost always “nope” – I am learning that sometimes after I sit with something for a bit, I end up making a much more satisfying choice. And other times it really is a no but not just an automatic one!

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Two different questions here for me: What I’d do with money to splurge, and how I’d celebrate a birthday.

      Birthday: I got the idea from somewhere of doing X number of things to mark the year (over time, not all in a day). Doesn’t have to be things that cost money. When one of my best friends who was a yoga instructor turned 50 she led a class of 50 Sun Salutations at the studio with a really fun soundtrack of her favorite songs–none of us had ever done yoga to “Brick House” before, that’s for sure. Could be writing down (or making a playlist of) your 65 favorite songs or 65 favorite memories (which would include Mr. Bibliovore memories). Could be going for 65 different walks over some time span and paying attention to things you notice. Rewatching your 65 favorite movies, rereading 65 favorite books.

      On the spending side could be tasting 65 different chocolates, buying yourself 65 fresh flowers and putting them all over your house–you get the idea.

      Splurging: Honestly, I’d probably pay a professional cleaning crew to do a super deep clean of the house. I don’t pay for housecleaning as a regular thing. My husband does the majority of the upkeep stuff like vacuuming. I do the deeper stuff when I feel like it, which isn’t that often. Someone to take things out of every single cupboard, dust, polish the cupboard, and put things back in neatly, clean all the baseboards, wash the windows, degrease the kitchen hood? Yes please. It would feel so fantastic to know that was happening while I spent the day at a coffee shop with a good book, then went to a bunch of thrift shops and antique stores to poke around, got lunch with a friend and got a pedicure.

      Bigger thinking I’d take a trip, probably with a friend if I had enough money to make it easy for them to go with me. My husband doesn’t like to travel much and we agree that shouldn’t stop me from enjoying it when I get the opportunity. I’m not interested in group tours but if that appealed I’d look for one of those Road Scholar ones, maybe one that involves doing some volunteer work abroad, or an easy bike tour with lots of good food and scenery.

      When are you at your happiest? Could you turn that into something bigger or better in some way? Some happinesses don’t scale–I can only drink so much coffee and can only read one book at a time. Others do.

      What about creating happiness for others–would that feel good? You mention volunteering. Would it be a celebration if you made your birthday a reason to take everyone involved out to lunch? I had a birthday brunch a couple of years ago and brought jars of things I’d canned to give everyone, so as the “birthday girl” I was the one giving gifts. It felt awesome.

      Hugs for your birthday from an internet stranger.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yes! Go on a trip and treat a friend whose time you enjoy!

        And I agree about volunteering. I have been volunteering at the food bank off and on over the past few years. I volunteer regularly registering voters with the League of Women Voters. I’m about to go knock doors for Susan Crawford. All these things make me feel like I am fighting back and that it’s possible we can change things.

        (I am also a volunteer usher at several theatres in town, which is mostly for fun but then I think about the student matinees where there are 100s of little kids watching something like Cirque Kalabanté: Afrique en Cirque and thinking this might be the first time they are seeing a live art performance and it’s by someone who looks like them and who knows what long-term impact that might have on our culture?)

        2. Sloanicota*

          My friend has treated me on a trip twice. It works well for both of us, because she gets to pick everything exactly how she would want it (I’m very easygoing and obviously since I’m not paying I’m just along for the ride) but she also gets a pleasant companion on her trip. My job is to be very pleasant – I can do that! What I don’t have is the money or honestly the wherewithal to plan a complicated trip. OP could also be the companion in this scenario if you have a friend who loves to plan trips but lacks the funds – perhaps you could ask her to plan a trip to X place for the two of you and you’ll pay. We go for a long time but it can be something more like a long weekend to start.

      2. Bibliovore*

        OMG- The therapist suggested Road Scholar- I just started looking at that. Plusses and minuses please?

        1. Emma*

          My grandma was a solo traveler for many years after my grandad died around age 60, and definitely enjoyed Road Scholar trips!

        2. Rara Avis*

          My grandparents took a lot of trips with them (then called Elderhostel) and really enjoyed them, even after my grandfather started to struggle with mobility.

        3. Angstrom*

          My mother took several and enjoyed them. Liked being with a group of curious, intelligent people.

        4. Ninersfsn*

          To be fair, I have never done one. But we have seen the groups in many places we have traveled to, and I have to say I don’t like traveling in groups. The observations we made were that there was always someone complaining about something. If you’re looking for a small group, travel, intrepid travel is not age based, but works with smaller groups too many places around the world.

          1. Bibliovore*

            I looked at a few of them- they seem to have way too much walking and standing for me-“must be able to walk/stand 3 hours. Yikes. I also dread long bus rides/car rides (car sickness) Boats (sea sickness) The seed has been planted for a spa retreat. If anyone has any suggestions?- I will ask again next week.

        5. velveteen rabbit*

          My grandmother did at least a dozen trips with Elderhostel (which I believe is the pre-cursor) to Road Scholar after my grandfather died two years into their long planned for retirement – they had bought an RV and were planning to drive to the 49 states and and all the Canadian provinces reachable by road – and she found great joy and made dear friends through them.

          If I recall correctly her favorites were a river cruise that stopped at multiple Christmas Markets in Germany, another river cruise up the Nile, visiting China – which had been a lifelong dream of hers – and a tour of famous gardens in England that culminated in the Chelsea flower show.

          She passed from Alzheimer’s nearly twenty years after he had his stroke and I’ll be forever grateful that she got to have great adventures and see the world even if it wasn’t even remotely close to the way she’d planned to do it.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I don’t know what your plans with Mr. Bibliovore were, but if you were planning on doing something with him I’d go ahead and do that something without him. I’d like to think that he would be with you in spirit. If it were something like going on a trip, then I’d do that and enjoy it.

      I have a friend whose plans with her late husband included building their dream house. They had bought a lot and were planning the house when he passed away fairly suddenly after being diagnosed with a fast-moving disease. After his death she built the house and lived there for several years. Eventually she sold it and moved back to her home town. Even though she no longer lives in her dream house, I think that building it was a good experience for her and that she enjoyed doing it.

    7. Teal Tshirt*

      Everybody’s different; I think it would help me celebrate the occasion if I also set aside time to remember and grieve. Perhaps morning coffee outside with a blanket wrapped around me, or incense, or a song we shared.
      Hugs from this internet stranger, Bibliovore.

      1. Undine Spragg*

        Yes, whatever you do, you can take Mr. Bibliovore with you in spirit. Last summer I went to Europe and I found myself lighting candles in cathedrals, mostly in memory of my mother, who died recently. (Not religious, but it is a space made for that. Many were also war damaged, which made it more poignant.) For many years I used to go out for a nice dinner on the anniversary of my sibling’s death and ask the waiter to set an extra place and (if I was feeling brave) to put a candle on the plate. It’s not about forgetting him or moving past him, it’s about finding a way to expand so that you can hold your grief and your joy.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Happy birthday, Bibliovore.

      If it were me, and I had the money, I’d plan a destination party sometime during the year – doesn’t have to be on or near the birthday – and treat my guests.

      I did this for a different milestone birthday. My guests were young/medium adults – 2 couples with kids and 2 single adults. We picked a date that worked for everyone (Thanksgiving weekend) and I paid for all of them at an all-expenses resort type location. The kids were in the kids club during the day, the adults had a variety of activities to choose from, and we met up for meals and evening family activities. People would overlap in small groups for the daytime activities, but not everyone was everywhere all at once. One night we had a birthday cake and presents.

      I’m alone now myself, and while I enjoy traveling solo (I’m on a trip now, in fact), I wouldn’t want to take a solo trip for a milestone birthday. If I were in your shoes, I’d plan something like what I described. It doesn’t have to be super elaborate – we’ve had family reunions in nice tourist locations and all rented an airbnb and done day trips. If it were my birthday, I’d pay for the airbnb and maybe dinner out one night. It also doesn’t have to be a large group. Just whoever you love and who would enjoy celebrating with you.

    9. Roland*

      Happy birthday Bibliovore!

      Is there something you use every day that you could upgrade? I got myself aerocinno and it definitely sparks joy, for example. Maybe splurge on a hobby supply?

      Another idea – find some kind of meetup or workshop for an activity you enjoy in another city and use that as a push to travel somewhere new, but with a purpose.

    10. Morning Reader*

      Ideas:
      1. Something from your bucket list that is doable this season. (Not northern lights.)
      2. A hedonistic day with all your physical favorites. Spa treatment, delicious dinner and dessert, soak in your tub with extra special candles and the best wine, whatever you’re into.
      3. Get some new tasty books to munch on and spend the day in a pile of nibbled bindings and pages.
      Welcome to official senior citizenship, Bibliovore!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Definitely the person in my life who is lonely and grieving looooves spa days, because he loves massage. It’s the most healing thing for him right now definitely.

    12. fhqwhgads*

      Tokyo DisneySea. But I am theme park person. If you’re not, this is probably an underwhelming answer. But it is what I’d do in a splurge situation.

    13. Ideas*

      Happy birthday Bibliovore.

      A couple of other ideas that may or may not float your boat.

      I love to cook and read about someone who each Thanksgiving picks a different country, researches their cuisine, picks out home-cooking recipes from that country and invites people over so everyone can cook that country’s cuisine together and then have a big meal. That sounds like a fun birthday to me.

      Another idea — sign up for a class for something new — learn a language, take pottery, etc. That way you are stretching out the new thing over several weeks. You might also meet some new folks that will enrich your life and give you some company.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Is there anything permanent you’ve always wanted to add to your house? Sun deck, hot tub or similar? Redo the garden with a professional gardener? Paint everything? Replace all those ugly drapes or couch? Art you’ve always wanted to start collecting?

      This might be the time for a total refurbishment of your nest.

      1. Angstrom*

        If you’re planning to stay in the house, how about getting rid of some of the annoyances — the things that aren’t quite right and make you mutter or sigh every time you have to deal with them. Sticky door? Awkward shelving? Light switch in a bad place? Make a list and find a good local contractor to make them what you want.
        Getting rid of daily minor aggravations is well worth it.

      2. Bibliovore*

        Thanks for these thoughts. My mid century modern house came with a white/oatmeal colored thick wall to wall rug in the living room/dining area. It is stained and impossible to clean- many professional carpet cleanings, a home carpet cleaner etc.
        I am hopeless when it comes to interior decorating (witness the dog grooming table set up in the living room because the dog likes to look out the window)
        Any suggestions for carpet replacement? thinking modern linoleum with heated floor underneath. The walls are light honey colored wood so it feels like maybe hardwood floors would be a bit much. Someone suggested cork but remember dogs.

    15. Pentapus*

      I’d do a bucket list trip. Galapagos, Antarctica or safari, or find a month long art history or cooking class in France or Italy. something that would last a good while.
      and I’m sorry Mr b is not there to share it with you.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      Happy birthday! I’m so sorry it’s not happening according to your old plan.

      I’m not sure what you like to do, but here are some idea off the top of my head:
      A cruise with some people you love to a place you really want to see
      A trip ditto or alone
      Some house repairs/changes/paint/wallpaper that you’ve been wanting to do
      Some new furniture
      Some new art
      A new appliance that would be a major upgrade
      A really nice piece of jewelry
      A wardrobe update
      A major hair change
      Some landscaping or garden change
      Professional help with the garden/yard/cleaning the house/garage

      Good luck and I do hope you enjoy your birthday and I’m so sorry Mr B isn’t with you.

    17. Nonprofit director*

      I am sending you hugs. Special days are especially hard without the person you most want to spend time with.

      I lost my husband almost a year ago. I have an idea how you might be feeling.

      A milestone birthday (60) is coming up for me in a few months. I have made plans to travel with a dear friend. It’s not like traveling with my husband, and even when I traveled with friends before he died, I always looked forward to talking with him every day and returning home to him. But being with others I love and who love me in a place I would like to see is nice. I plan alone time, arrange things so I have my own alone space. And I take my husband with me, always, in my heart.

      I hope you find something that speaks to you and your heart.

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, that nightly check in call when I was traveling is sorely missed.

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      For me it would be travel. If money is not an issue, is there a friend you’d like to treat so they could go with you and you wouldn’t be traveling alone?

    19. Emma*

      I would start small, and work from there. ok, maybe not entirely small. But I’d go get a pedicure and read a new book while I did it. Then, I’d get takeout from a favorite spot. And then maybe I’d book myself a really cool trip, maybe one with a group? Something that would be more difficult as I got older. Like maybe a trip to the Galapagos. they apparently have boat trips there that sound really cool.

      1. Emma*

        I’ve also followed Adventures with Sarah – it’s a small travel company that does group trips cook places. It seems like people really love them, and have built a bit of a community. Like, once a year she hosts a stateside weekend for past travelers to get together.

        1. Emma*

          And Sarah herself is in her 40s, I think, but it seems like most of the people who go on the trips are 60s or so, from the pictures she’s posted.

          1. Emma*

            And – maybe you go on a trip and hate it. Or maybe it’s the start of something great, having stuff to look forward to.

    20. Anono-me*

      Thinking about it (and not knowing what a splurge is for you), here are my ideas
      -New vehicle-something with all the safety features that is easy to drive.
      -Tattoo.
      -Trip -Probably the Galápagos or Norway or a river cruise or maybe a small sailing cruise.
      -Scholarship in honor of the Mr. (IME College want $5k for a one off and $25k for an annual one.)
      -Adult Summer Camp – There are lots of places where you spend 2 weeks at a hotel and learn something ( cooking, painting. lumberjack skill, a language, trapeze skills)
      -Buy a snowbird home.
      -Riding lessons and buying a bike.
      – Eyelid lift. (Saggy eyelids run in the family and eventually can impead vision. )

    22. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Sorry for your loss.

      I would take a trip to a place that my partner would not enjoy. (So I wouldn’t be thinking about him and be sad that he’s missing out.) I love to snorkel; my partner does not. So I travel to snorkelling destinations alone, and I don’t feel guilty that my partner is missing out. It helps that this sport is relaxing and I can space out and not think about anything.

      Long term, I’ve also wanted to adopt older pets that have been abandoned. Nobody wants them anymore and they’re expensive to maintain — I’d like to do help these souls.

      Whatever you do, give yourself permission to bail. It’s OK to try to do something, and also end up crying in a blanket.

      1. Anono-me*

        There are organizations that foster older dogs and cats. Basically you are the caretaker but they ate responsible for the major medical issues (decisions and costs).

    23. Boggle*

      Would you feel comfortable traveling with a group of other women? My mom went on a trip to the Orient with what was formerly called Elderhostel but is now Road Scholar (https://www.roadscholar.org/). She really enjoyed it and met some lovely people. They have interesting trips for solo travelers of similar interests. You could travel domestically or abroad.

    24. Jean (just Jean)*

      Very late to reply, but if you happen to see this, Bibliovore, please know that I wish you a happy birthday, a happy and healthy future, and peace of mind about your life. Good wishes from an internet stranger and another person living the strange life of a widow.

  39. H.Regalis*

    There’s a person in a hobby group I’m in who’s always been known as a weirdness magnet. They have a lot of wild stories about stuff that’s happened to them. Recently, they said something to me that makes me think they are either lying or massively exaggerating a lot of things. I should note that they never disparage other people and that all of the stories are the sort of thing someone might make up to make themselves sound more impressive.

    I have no way to prove they’re lying, and even if I did, I’m not going to confront them about it because I don’t think anything good would come of it. Right now I just feel weird because I’ve known them for years and never realized they were doing this. My plan going forward is to give as little attention to these stories as possible. Have you ever known someone like this? How did you handle it? Have you yourself ever made up stories in this way, and if so, why?

    1. SoloKid*

      deadpan “oh wow, that’s crazy”.

      Or “you certainly have a rich life to have so many exciting things happen to you!”, but maybe that would just encourage it.

    2. Generic Name*

      Hm, a couple of thoughts. I had a friend in college who I eventually realized was likely lying at least some of the time. He said things that were contradictory/mutually exclusive. I never said anything to him and we lost touch after graduation. My husband has a lot of really crazy stories from his younger days. My son says he’s like the dad from the movie Big Fish. I believe that the stuff that happened to my husband actually happened because he grew up in an unstable environment. His parents were poverty level poor and his mom had mental health issues and his dad got involved in drug cartel stuff. So he didn’t realize that a lot of stuff was very problematic until he left home and experienced some normalcy/stability. And yes, I’ve met his parents and family and I’ve been to his hometown where some relatives still live, so I’ve gotten independent verification of some of his stories. An older gentleman in his hometown actually came up to me after a family funeral and said, “So YOU’RE the one who tamed [husband]”. Ha ha.

      As for what to do, are the stories enjoyable/funny? Maybe think of them as modern storytelling, as long as the stories aren’t hurting anyone. Sometimes I’ll go on Reddit and people like to jump in with “this post is made up”, but I don’t think it really matters. I’m reading reddit for entertainment, not hard hitting truths/facts. So if someone is making something up, they got to engage in creative writing and I read it for enjoyment. If the stories she tells involve her saying unkind things to people you both know, I’d tell her you aren’t the right audience for those stories.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I have met some “Big Fish Dad” people and their stories actually are true.

        But, the rest are just magnifiers.

    3. Venus*

      If they aren’t hurting anyone then I would just enjoy them as an observer of weird behavior. As Generic Name mentions, it’s just a form of storytelling. If they were a close friend then I wouldn’t feel comfortable spending time with them individually, but I don’t mind it in a group.

      It is possible that they are true. I have a physical feature that makes it more likely for me to attract random interest in men. I made the comment to a coworker one day and she wasn’t sure, but we went for coffee a week later and I had two men come over and make comments to me that surprised her. It worked out well because she told me that it surprised her, and then we both laughed about it.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      This is more common than it seems, and yeah, the person who always has some wild story is probably lying or exaggerating all of it. If you’ve never been there for any of the wild things happening, and no one you know ever has either, bingo. It’s also really common to know someone like that for a realllllly long time before realizing – wait, this doesn’t add up, and then a lot of it unravels. I didn’t really need to handle it at all because it was a friend’s ex, and they had been exes-but-friends when the “wait a second…” realization happened. So I was mostly a bystander.
      There’s also a variant on this I’ve seen, which is a bit less Compulsive Liar and a bit more Ignorant Narcissist. What I mean by the latter is, the person isn’t lying or exaggerating what actually happened. But they regularly use a tone that makes it seem like the thing that happened was novel or special or amazing, when if you have any familiarity with whatever it was, you’d know, yeah, that’s a thing. Anyone can do that/have that/request that. But if their usual audience doesn’t know, the story is presented as though it’s some amazing one off thing. And the person telling the story isn’t even necessarily aware that it’s NOT an amazing one off thing. I handle this type of person by being blandly factual. Not shooting them down or anything, like, great you enjoyed that happening to you, but I’m not going to pretend you invented the cronut because you ate one once, ya know?

    5. Ochre*

      I work with someone who’s a bit like this. I think the things she describes really do happen but *also* she chooses to get involved in them (like good samaritan stuff when there are other, more qualified people around) and *also* she sometimes uses them as an excuse for why she didn’t get something else done. So in her case I don’t completely ignore her story but I try to bring things back to the present. If she wasn’t using it as an excuse (ie: if there was no impact on me at all) then I guess I’d treat it like any other boring or repetitive topic & see if that deflates them a bit.

      You also *might* be able to verify some of what they’re saying…they say they won the state track championship in 2005? It might be Googleable! But do not ever ever let them or anyone else know you were searching out their past. There’s no way to bring that up without sounding like a weirdo. But I did have a different case where I started to wonder if someone’s stories were true and sure enough I found a couple of old news articles! It was enough to let me relax and shake the feeling of possibly being lied to.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      I worked with someone like this for many years–totally harmless fabulist. She’d say things like she got into an argument with someone on the bus… in fluent Chinese. Nothing so outrageous that you couldn’t believe it, but questionable at best.

      I liked her a lot and didn’t think less of her, but did find it harder to take her at face value, so to speak. I knew she wasn’t conning or manipulating anyone per se, but it did start to get irritating that she thought I believed all this stuff, and I basically started to automatically doubt the vast majority of what she said, even if it was reasonable.

      Even the most harmless, fantasy style lying eventually erodes trust.

      1. H.Regalis*

        That’s the main thing about this that really bothers me. I feel like I can’t believe anything they say now, because they clearly have no compunction against majorly making shit up and I don’t like feeling suspicious of my friends.

        1. Generic Name*

          Yeah, that’s fair. My mom likes to exaggerate stuff a bit and most of the time it’s harmless but sometimes she’ll relay something her doctor said or something medically related and I have to stop her and say something like “Are you REALLY dizzy all the time, or are you just saying that for effect? Because if you are truly dizzy that often, you need to go to the doctor and tell them so they can adjust your meds”. I think it’s valid to pull back from a friend you feel you can’t trust/always doubt what they say.

    7. Old Plant Woman*

      You don’t have to call them out, but I wouldn’t put any effort into accommodating them either. I love a great fish story as much as anyone, but when somebody tells me they harpooned a whale, sliced it open and Jonah popped out don’t expect me to keep a straight face.

    8. Anima*

      I have, and the stories were true.
      I had a colleague at trading school who found a deceased person twice – and made headlines once with that. Her boyfriend found a plastic bag with thin hair, like baby hair, poking out in the woods – and called the police. It was a dog, but the police congratulatated him on following the right procedure and having the right reaction.
      It always sounded like they were a little crazy, but they were just a bit more attentive than others. The stories grew over time, but since my colleagues knew they were true and could be traumatic, we let them be big.
      On the other hand I have a friend who makes a big story of the smallest things, as others said big fish dad style – but the core is always true, so I chuckle about the elaborate additions and think happily about how it really was (I was often there or have accounts from other people who were there).
      Having a soft chuckle is my go to reaction for harmless stories, maybe that works for you, too?

    9. Anon. Scientist*

      I had a friend in HS who was always out of step and she had all sorts of crazy stories and I figured she was just confused/misunderstanding (she was absolutely not one to lie for self aggrandizing). Then I went on a school trip abroad with her and

      1. we were accosted by a lady screaming “bastards” (in that language)
      2. we were serenaded by a pair of cops
      3. extremely long story, but we ended up barricaded/locked in in our hotel room in an empty hotel with a older guy until someone finally came along and I sneakily got the door unlocked and 4 of us bodily threw him out.

      I never disbelieved her stories again. And 30 years later she is still very much doing her own thing.

    10. Sutemi*

      Have they ever told stories about something that you were part of the experience, and did the way they told that story ring true to you?

      I’ve realized that there are some people who experience life very differently than I do. Not unreliable narrators exactly, but their take on the same situation was more dramatic, for example, than mine. An interaction I thought was a mild anecdote is a huge story.

      1. H.Regalis*

        No, they haven’t. All of the stories are ones where the other people involved are people I’ve never met and are often people my friend hasn’t spoken to in years themself.

        I noticed they avoid telling certain stories around people who would have known them at the time. Like if they tell a story from a decade ago, they won’t tell it around people who knew them then, or if they tell a story about something that happened to them at home, they won’t tell it around anyone they live with.

        They’ve also told me one thing that was physically impossible, which I realized at the time, but was so weird I didn’t know how to react. This isn’t exactly it, but what they told me was similar to saying they met a person who was born with fully functional wings who could fly short distances.

      2. Shiny Penny*

        I have observed this! But from the other side!
        I (college female, US) was on a backpacking trip in Europe with a friend (same but male) in a country with a sudden a strike that happened between when we paid (a lot) and before we got through the line to get inside a tourist attraction. No refund was offered.
        That’s basically the story as HE tells it.
        When *I* tell it, I add the part about him getting into an extended yelling match with a bunch of… police? guards? gang members? With machine guns. My angry friend trying to insist on a refund. As all the other tourists leave the waiting room, and it’s just us and a bunch of angry armed men yelling angrily. And nobody else knows where we are that day. And we don’t speak the language.
        So there I am slowly pulling him backwards towards the exit, saying “It’s ok! We are leaving now! No problem! Thank you! Thank you!” in a soothing conciliatory tone. While fearing for my safety and my friend’s life. Amidst all the angry yelling.
        All quite salient to me!
        I still know that boy, and I am still more willing to sacrifice idealism and fairness for safety, and I definitely still know his stories will leave a lot out.

  40. SoloKid*

    My BIL recently got married, and the couple has said they definitely want kids, potentially soon. We see them fairly often. My MIL lives further away and texts me stuff like “Is she having wine?”, obviously eagerly anticipating news of a grandkid.

    It’s annoying me and feels intrusive on SIL’s behalf. It’s not even something I would think twice about but I find myself noticing anyway. I definitely don’t give MIL the satisfaction of an answer and always reply like “Oh I ‘m not the type to monitor what other people eat” but she keeps asking like I should enjoy being on the lookout too.

    Any commiseration out there? Am I right to feel annoyed?

    1. H.Regalis*

      I would be annoyed too. I think just ignoring those texts, like not replying at all, is a good tack to try. If you’re doing that for a few months and the volume of “is she pregnant yet??” hasn’t decreased, then be blunt with her about it. “I know you’re really excited about the possibility of grandkids, but I’m not up for being on baby watch with you.” Then brace yourself for an angry reaction, but if she’s chilly to you, at least you won’t have to listen to someone else monitoring how often your SIL pees.

      1. SoloKid*

        Yeah I have been replying less anyway! She’s otherwise a very good, supportive MIL so I don’t anticipate an angry reaction. I’ll see how it goes over the next few months!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I wonder if you can say something like, “Oh, I would feel awful if I knew people were scrutinizing me that way, so I don’t want to do it to her.”

      And then if she keeps it up, maybe say: “A friend who struggled to get pregnant told me how devastating it felt when people were so clearly on the look-out so I want to give them as much space around it as they need.”

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I like this response a lot. It’s less confrontational, especially since otherwise she’s a good MIL

      2. Emma*

        100%. Being under the microscope about this is the worst. If someone hasn’t told you they’re pregnant, it’s none of their dmn business.

        After we had fertility issues, and a previous issues, I had someone ask if we were considering having a second kid, *while* I was secretly pregnant. I straight up lied, “nope”. But when I was earlier in the process I didn’t feel like I could lie, and it was so, so awful to feel like I had to tell people something I wasn’t ready to tell, when they asked.

        Buzz off, MIL. you’re the worst.

        1. Arrietty*

          Well, it’s true – you weren’t *considering* it! You were way past that point.

          I have never understood why people ask these questions of anyone other than extremely close friends who have indicated they want to discuss it.

        2. Sloanicota*

          Yep, I had a friend who wanted kids and got married to start trying immediately. She had fertility issues. Had to go all the way through IVF. She said the only thing worse than the disappointment every month was knowing people would ask her “any news yet???” the whole time. (It took her several years but she does have two children now).

    3. Shutterdoula*

      I’d be super annoyed and I’d call it out. “Look, MIL, that kind of thing is really intrusive and creepy. I’m not going to do it and I definitely don’t want you to expect me to do it for you. They will tell us when there’s something they want us to know.”

    5. Not A Manager*

      Well… Yes, that is kind of obnoxious. But you say that otherwise she’s a good and supportive MIL, so maybe this is her way of trying to share an experience of excitement and anticipation with you.

      If it were me, I wouldn’t call her out directly. I’d try to respond to what I think she really means when she asks that stuff. “I know you’re super excited for grand babies!” “You just can’t wait, can you?” Etc. If she keeps asking in the same conversation, I’d push back. “I know you’re waiting for news, but all joking aside, when SIL has news to share I’m sure she’ll let you know.”

    6. RagingADHD*

      I’d tell her, “Look Mom, please stop asking. I know you’re just excited, but it feels gossipy and icky to me. I’m sure she will tell you if she has news.”

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      This would bother me a lot but I would just ignore the questions. You could tell her to stop (with or without an explanation of why) if you’d prefer to address it directly. Is she also asking your partner/her child for updates? They should really be the one to tell her to knock it off.

      1. SoloKid*

        She doesn’t ask him directly but she has “joked” about it while we were together in person, and he did tell her to knock it off. Maybe that’s why she (sporadically) texts me about it.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I would find it annoying–very. Because A) it’s weird to watch other people’s drinking or eating habits like they’re an endangered species in a zoo breeding program, and B) when/if there is a baby on the way, I would assume MIL won’t be left out of the general announcement, when the parents wish to make it.

      It’s pretty common nowadays not to say a word until after the first trimester, for example. While I get that family members would be excited, it’s not really their place to know everything as soon as it happens.

    9. HannahS*

      Yes, she’s out of line, you’re doing your SIL a great favour by shutting down her MIL and also by not telling her about this whole shenanigans.
      Ideas:
      “I didn’t notice, and I’m sure they’ll tell us what we need to know, when we need to know.”

      “It sure is exciting to think about mew babies coming! I’m sure they’ll let us know when there’s happy news.”

      (If she can take some gentle teasing) “You know, when it comes to other peoples’ babies, I don’t need a play by play, if you know what I mean! I’m going to stay out of it until I’m told anything.”

    10. Rainy*

      I have a MIL who pulls stuff like that, and I stopped talking to her about four years ago because of it.

    11. Seashell*

      I would go with “If there’s anything you need to know, I’m sure BIL or SIL will tell you.”

      This kind of thing is why I would have never had a discussion about this topic with any nosy relatives.

    12. WFH4VR*

      That’s beyond extra. Just don’t answer. Don’t engage, don’t even say anything like “I don’t know.” Just delete, delete, delete. I’d give your BIL and SIL heads up that the mother is sending whack-job texts.

        1. Rainy*

          Would your SIL find it useful to know how closely she’s being scrutinized? I ask that because there’s “putting it on them to know” and then there’s “letting someone you care about know something that may make them want to change how they’re approaching a relationship with someone else”.

          It’s possible that your SIL would rather not know, but it’s also possible that she’d find it useful and helpful to know what’s going on so she can respond appropriately. I would never tell my SIL rude or hurtful things my MIL says about her, but I would tell my SIL things that I felt she needed to know in order to make an informed decision about how much to reveal to her herself. I have a MIL, as I said above, who is an awful snoop completely unalloyed by any “otherwise good and supportive” traits, so in some ways my decisions around her are easier because I can always know that in any situation she doesn’t have good intentions or mean well, but if your SIL needs to know that your MIL is, for example, going through her washroom trash looking for pregnancy tests, that’s not “putting it on her”, it’s giving her info she needs to know to manage her relationship with your MIL.

    13. Marion Ravenwood*

      My instinct would be to either ignore it or grey rock with “I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention” or something like that.

      I think you’re right to feel annoyed though – it’s none of your MIL’s business! If it does get worse though you could always say “look I don’t feel comfortable with this, please stop asking me to keep tabs on her”.

  41. Rental House Hunter*

    I wrote last week about finding what appeared to be the (close to) perfect rental townhouse only to find that I did not qualify to rent it because they wanted me to have monthly takehome income of 2 and a half times the rent. (My monthly takehome income was only twice the monthly rent which seems to be the standard qualification for most rental housing properties in my area). After that I thought I found a good second choice.

    Even prettier in pictures, spacious if seemingly not quite as nicely arranged. According to the listing they wanted their renter to have a takehome monthly income of twice the monthly rent, so I appear to qualify. I initiated contact through Zillow and started receiving a bunch of texts with questions from the property management company. Basic things. I don’t have a criminal record, I’ve never been evicted, I’ve never declared bankruptcy. Then they asked me my monthly takehome pay and after texting them back with the answer, crickets. I texted them back and asked if I could schedule a tour of the house, and more crickets. Zillow e-mailed me to ask if I had heard back from the property management company, but only provided me with the option of a yes or no response. I responded, no.

    Googling the property management company turned up a few red flags. They’re not a member of the local Better Business Bureau (BBB) (IME few property management companies are) and there were negative reviews posted online from people who’ve dealt with them, the usual complaints about unreturned deposits, but also complaints from people who hired the company to manage their properties. The property is still posted as being for rent and I’m wondering if I should try to reach out to them and set up a viewing, or just let it go?

    There are so few things I can afford that also have a double garage. Everything else in my price range is quite a bit smaller. I can’t afford a new townhouse, though there are a lot of dinky new “luxury” crackerbox apartments in my price range (with pools and fitness centers that I realistically wouldn’t use and don’t care about). I’m depressed at the prospect of having to do more downsizing. So frustrating.

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      I don’t have any good suggestions for you, but I recall that when my kid moved to NYC after college, we had to co-sign the lease because the landlord demanded monthly income of 4 times the rent and kid’s income was nowhere close to that.

      1. New Yorker*

        40, not four. In NYC, your income generally has to be (or used to have to be ) 40 times the monthly rent. Eighty times as much if you have a guarantor sign (and they’ll even accept a guarantor).

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          That sounds familiar, but I’m pretty sure it was *annual* income that had to be 40/80 times the monthly rent. I was talking about monthly income to monthly rent ratio, and I do vaguely recall that being part of the conversation too. And this was a number of years ago.

    2. WellRed*

      Assuming rentals in general are hard to come by in your market, there’s always going to be someone with a higher income and if that’s their main criteria you’re out of luck. Also, have you checked your credit report to make sure nothing is amiss?

      1. Rental House Hunter*

        As far as I can tell, they didn’t actually run a credit report on me and they based their decision only on my takehome income. I haven’t actually checked my credit report, but my credit union (where I have a credit card, and checking and savings accounts) says I have a FICO score of 832 and my Costco Citibank Visa card account says I have a FICO score of 802. I don’t know why there’s a discrepancy and I know you have to take them with a grain of salt, but (IMHO) these are great credit scores.

    3. Shutterdoula*

      The BBB is a scam anyway, don’t let that influence you in any way, shape or form. I honestly would consider it a red flag if they WERE a member of the BBB.

      2. Qwerty*

        Compliants via BBB were the only thing that got a previous company I worked for to act, so I’m good with them existing. It forced an overhaul because our BBB rating was so low.

    4. Venus*

      It sounds like they are too good to be true. They are a sketchy company that has an unusually nice place so I’m wondering if they are listing the rent as too low and then the actual rent will have a bunch of extra costs. I wouldn’t pursue it because I think it will eventually not work out, so you might as well give up sooner.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I feel you on that “luxury everywhere but the living space” crap. During the Great Water Heater Incident, Husband and I tried to find a new place in a hurry. There’s a fancy-schmancy place just down the street from our current address that we looked at and seriously considered (due to emergency conditions, we had to move FAST.)

      This place had the most jazzed up lobby you ever did see, and ‘conversation nooks’ wedged all over the place on all floors. Conference rooms, huge, two level gym, rooftop grill–you name it, this place splashed out on it. But the actual apartments were rinky-dink cement cells where the “one bedroom” consisted of two cement “walls” that did not touch the ceiling, no door, and about enough space blocked off to fit one hammock. We would have been paying for things we would never or rarely use, and the actual living space was Modern Post Attica.

    6. Sunflower*

      Can you report your income as gross when doing the checks? Or at least report takehome as just after taxes vs after pre-tax contributions? Takehome income is tricky due to how much you’re contributing to retirement or pre-tax savings accounts. When I lived in NYC, which has some of the strictest rental rules, 40x income was required and I made well above that but my rent was about 1/2 my monthly takehome income.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m wondering about this also. I live in the SF Bay Area with rents among the highest in the country, and applicants are typically asked their gross income, not their take home amount. I’d give a side eye to a landlord/management company that was asking about your paycheck net.

  42. Nina K Pettis*

    I just finished J.D. Robb’s newest book, Bonded in Death. LOVED IT, of course, but this was especially good (and twisty, and personality-filled).

    1. Anon Poster*

      The timing of me seeing this is funny, I used to read these books pretty regularly and fell out of the habit a few years ago. I saw a copy of an older book in the series on a shelf at my coffee shop this morning, and thought I should maybe pick the series back up. Here’s sign number two, I guess!

    2. WFH4VR*

      I LOVE JD Robb. I don’t know how she keeps it fresh each time. I do appreciate that she’s cut back on the animal bedroom scenes lately, though. ;) But there is so much affection for Eve, Roarke, and the others. I’m getting itchy for the Mavis/Leonardo/Peabody/McNab Big House Reveal, actually. If you’ve read her Nora Roberts books, most of them have serious home decorating ponr, lol.

  43. Bookish*

    Podcast recommendations needed! I have a road trip coming up, and I’d love a podcast miniseries (5-10 episodes) rather than trying to string together individual episodes of podcasts that I enjoy. I like pop culture, investigative reporting, history (esp social history), white collar crime is ok. Can’t do murder, abduction, child/pet abuse, hosts that banter too much.

    Ones I’ve liked:
    Bad Blood
    The Dream (season 1)
    Scamanda
    The Retrievals
    Articles of Interest (kind of a spin off from decoder ring)
    Think Twice: Michael Jackson
    Who Killed the Video Star (the story of MTV)
    The Power Broker

    Anyone heard anything cool recently?

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      They’re a few years old, but I really liked:
      Sold a Story (about how reading methods used in American schools are deeply flawed)
      Nice White Parents (another podcast about equity in schools)
      Under the Influence with Jo Piazza (about Mommy influencer culture- this was so fascinating, though it runs out of steam a little before the end).
      28 ish days Later- about the menstrual cycle (it’s 28 episodes, but they’re each abiut 15-20 mins long)
      Against the Odds – each season looks at one “people in peril” situation, so you can pick and choose. The first season was about the cave rescue of the Thai boys soccer team. The story arcs are usually based on a book or investigative journalism piece on tbe jncident.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Not recent, but if you haven’t listened to the Missing and Murdered series, they are an excellent Canadian podcast – the first season was Who Killed Alberta Williams? The second season was Missing Cleo, about an indigenous child who was taken from her family in the 1970s and later disappeared.

    3. Forensic13*

      If you can stand another podcast about Elizabeth Holmes, I really liked The Dropout. And Normal Gossip is a lot of fun (I will admit I often skip the kinda academic, kinda banter-y beginning where they talk to the guest rather than tell the gossip story). If Books Could Kill is a podcast mostly talking about those non-fiction self-help, pop-psychology, pop-sociology books that get popular in airports or work book clubs. Stuff like “The Secret” or “Who Moved My Cheese.” They do a great job breaking down the books and looking at the actual claims they make, more funny than pure educational.

      A short single series I had fun with was Broomgate: A Curling Scandal. Very little real scandal, but a fun listen.

      1. Bertha Shirley*

        Second Normal Gossip! Very fun.

        I also recommend Women Talkin’ ‘bout Murder – it’s only 10 episodes and is a parody of true crime.

    4. Reader*

      Tested is really good! It’s about the history of sex testing in women’s sports. Would also second Sold a Story.

      I saw someone else recommended If Books Could Kill – I really like that podcast, but if you don’t like host banter, it might not be for you. (They’re good about taming it, but there is always some banter.)

      1. Bookish*

        I really liked Michael Hobbes on You’re Wrong About but never really got into his ones with Audrey and Peter. I appreciate the Tested rec!

    5. KatCardigans*

      I love Slow Burn from Slate—the Rise of Fox News was interesting. I also really enjoyed all of their different One Year series, which cover both news stories and pop culture of the particular years they focus on. The One Year ones would be great for a road trip, actually!
      I thought Fiasco’s Bush v. Gore series was really well-produced.
      Ed Helms has a podcast called SNAFU that covers historical secrets (lots of Cold War stuff) and while his over-the-top personality comes through sometimes, I was pleased with the narration overall.
      Unclear and Present Danger covers “dad movies” of the ’90s, and I feel like I always leave that one with food for thought—the hosts have lots of conversation between them, but I wouldn’t call it banter.
      Aack Cast by Jamie Loftus is exclusively about the Cathy comic strip, of all things, and was a fun listen.

    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      This might be a bit too much, but I like What The Folklore? a lot. It basically takes the MST3K format and applies it to weird and obscure fairytales. The guy who created it has also created a couple of other shows recapping the various Dragon Ball animes and the comic One Piece that are a lot of fun, although I don’t know how in line with your tastes those would be.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      If you enjoy science fiction, Baen Books has a weekly podcast, called The Baen Free Radio Hour. There are discussions with authors and a chapter from a Baen book. (I don’t have the patience to wait, but they do finish the book eventually. Long after I either bought it or lost interest.) I accessed it through the Baen dot com website originally, but now it just shows up in my iPhone podcast app.
      There’s a huge archive of past episodes.

    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      “This Land” with Cherokee Nation citizen Rebecca Nagle. She opens by following the US Supreme Court case that arose from a murder in Oklahoma (not a lot of gory murder details though) and moves on to other legal issues for Indigenous people including challenges to the Indian Child Welfare Act. Covers history that many (most) people don’t know as the backdrop to the legal precedents.

      99% Invisible often involves social history. The invisible stuff is design and how it shows up in so many ways we don’t pay attention to, but it isn’t just “about” design. Things like how we ended up with birth control pills in a package that helps keep track of when to take them (they didn’t start out that way), sound design that goes into things like a credit card reader telling you to take your card out, so many great slices of life around us. A recent one on how Times Square ended up being what it is today provided a quick trip through history.

  44. WoodswomanWrites*

    If you’ve every hired a professional home organizer, I’d love to hear about your experience. I’m considering hiring someone to work on my place. I already have some names with good references. My question is how helpful it was for you long-term. Has it helped you with lasting systems to keep things organized and avoid the clutter building back up again?

    I’ve lived in the same small one-bedroom apartment for 18 years and even with being diligent about not accumulating a lot of stuff, I’ve reached the point where the clutter has gotten to be too much. I’m lucky to have three roomy closets and a basement for storage (unheated and can get damp) for some things, but my own systems aren’t working anymore. And paper is has always been my nemesis.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’ve never hired one, but for the past year I’ve been in a major decluttering/reducing mode. Which has led to a much more organized house.
      I’ve been watching Dana K White, The Minimal Mom and Clutterbug on YouTube, plus Marie Kondo and the whole Swedish Death Cleaning thing, and they have really helped me to think about my stuff in different ways. They all make the point that before you organize, it’s best to go through your stuff, so you don’t try to organize stuff you don’t even want.
      I’ve always been a “keep stuff for sentimental reasons” person and I am amazed at how much I have purged from my house. I’ve given REALLY nice things to nieces and nephews who are just starting out and they were thrilled to get them. I rarely used them and I’m so happy that I got to pick who got them! I did very targeted donations of stuff to very specific charities, so I knew things were going to a good home/purpose.
      I am really surprised that I don’t regret giving away anything! And my house feels great and so do I.
      I hope this helps. Good luck!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Thanks for the reminder about purging, definitely core to the process. I’ve done some of that recently.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve actually done organizing for friends (they paid me a bit but I’d never claim being a pro.)

      Things I would suggest:

      List out exactly what you want help with. Your bedroom closet/wardrobe? Your desk? Attic? Basement? “Tidying” or “purging” are pretty vague goals and you’ll spend a lot of time you’re paying for figuring out what you want the organizer to do.

      If it’s something like clothes or linens, wash everything you can and have it available for immediate sorting and packing. change out and wash all your sheets and towels, including kitchen ones. Having three loads of dirty laundry thrown in after the fact can seriously derail organization.

      If it’s paper, you will need to be on hand to say what you want to keep or file–most organizers won’t touch personal papers with a ten foot pole without the owner saying Yes or No. One person’s scrap is another’s important tax document. This is another case of cleaning out purses and such and piling all the stuff you want organized in one place beforehand.

      I think it’s worth it to schedule a follow up appointment a couple weeks or months out to track what’s working for you organizing wise and what isn’t. If the system isn’t friendly to your use, you’re just going to pile stuff on top of it.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Short answer: I did this about a year ago. I’d encourage you to go ahead if you seriously want to invest the money and can also commit to maintaining a decluttering routine in the future. Caveat: As someone who usually lives pretty frugally, I’m not going to insist that you throw a lot of money at this problem. As Chauncy Gardener commented below, it is certainly possible to find lower-cost solutions working only with books, online resources, and your own steely determination.

      Long answer: This was an option I considered for years. (Among other reasons, I live with ADHD and the accompanying clutter and distraction.) I finally hired a professional organizer when life handed me the perfect storm: bereavement, unemployment, and the management company’s decision to make massive, time-sensitive renovations to the entire apartment complex. My decision was a good one. I got rid of a lot of junk and clutter including piles of paper. It ended up being quite expensive (many hours, well over $2K) but I viewed it as an investment in my future. The organizer who worked with me was kind, sympathetic, supportive, and encouraging. I remember thanking her more than once for her “psychotherapy!” I haven’t yet taken to the used book store the books I designated for donation/selling, but that’s on me … the books respresent unresolved emotional baggage. (At least they are out of my main living space — either at the bottom of the coat closet, or in the trunk of the car.)

      When subsequently decluttering by myself I notice that my sorting skills are significantly improved. I’ve not made as much progress on my own, but that’s partly because I’ve been faced with other large, complicated, emotionally demanding challenges including two bereavements, two family illnesses, a lot of trips to family out of town, and a (successful) job search.

      Last comment: It can be an emotional as well as a physical and logistical challenge to declutter and purge possessions. Give yourself time and space to process any angst. If you don’t have emotional reactions, just enjoy your newly reclaimed living space!

    4. ronda*

      for my paper problem, I scanned some stuff and saved on my google drive and my hard drive. then I was able to get rid of those papers.
      still dont have a great system for not accumulating, but that did help me get rid of lots of old tax stuff.

    5. Seconds*

      I second the recommendation of Dana K. White on YouTube. She makes decluttering so much simpler than anyone I’ve ever read or heard.

    6. Bibliovore*

      Late to this but just thought about it. A friend of mine does “downsize” jobs for people going to assisted living etc. She came and spent a week with me about a year after Mr. Bibliovore died.
      Everyday we tackled one thing- clothing or objects or papers or books- you get it?
      It was basically a Swedish death clean. I needed her to keep me on task and also know where things should go and how to deal with the extraneous stuff.
      Maybe hire someone like that?

  45. Heffalump*

    A few weeks ago in a discussion of sleep apnea, someone expressed a concern that a CPAP machine might be noisy. I can report that my ResMed AirSense 11 is extremely quiet.

    1. AnonRN*

      Night nurse here, some patients bring their home machine into the hospital. Most of the machines by themselves are pretty quiet. What can be noisy is the air escaping around the mask if the mask gets dislodged or while trying to re-align the mask after getting up. (Newer machines are fairly “smart,” you can put them on standby and then they start to push air when they sense you taking a breath vs trying to align the mask with air blowing in your face, but sometimes there’s still a noise.) Some machines also may have an alarm for being disconnected.

    3. 653-CXK*

      Hi Heffalump – I put that post up on last week’s weekend posts. I also have a ResMed AirSense 11, and it is very quiet, but I also use a noise machine to mask the sounds around me.

  46. Making a list of file names*

    How can I copy the names of the documents in a Windows 10 folder onto the Clipboard? Google gave me 2 different ways and neither one worked; in both cases the option they said to select did not show up when I right-clicked as instructed. (One reply was from 2017 so not surprising that it didn’t work; the other was undated.) Is there a tried-and-true way to do it?

    1. office hobbit*

      Did you try holding down the shift key as you right click and selecting “copy as path”? That has always worked for me. It does copy the full filepath as well as the file name, though.

      1. Making a list of file names*

        I remember trying this but I must have done it wrong, because I just followed your instructions and it worked perfectly. Thank you!

    2. Jay*

      You just want to copy the names themselves?
      I just checked this and it worked on my PC.
      Right click on the file.
      Click on “Rename”.
      It will then go to the file with the name highlighted.
      Hit ‘CTRL-C’ to copy the name to the clipboard.
      Left click anywhere to exit the renaming process.
      Be careful not to erase your file’s name instead of copying it.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        You can also click on the file, then press the F2 key, which will select the whole of the file name.

        From here you can CTRL+C to copy, as Jay said.
        Press the ESCAPE key to deselect the file name.

  47. office hobbit*

    I recently got a recommendation from a medical professional to try eating very-low-carb, high-protein breakfasts and snacks. However, I prefer to limit meat and the only dairy I can eat is cheese, in limited quantities. Aside from eggs, I’m kind of stumped on what my options are. Even nuts or beans are higher in carbs than she recommended for these specific meals. Does anyone have experience or tips for this? Cookbooks or recipe websites to check out? (I’m not looking for medical advice, I think the recommendation is sound for the health issues I’m dealing with.) Thanks in advance!

    1. Jay*

      Depending on how you make them, I’ve had fish cakes as a breakfast item that would probably fit the bill.
      Or even just pan fried fish with maybe a hollandaise sauce or something.
      I used to occasionally make fried tinned mackerel with eggs. It’s actually very good. In fact that might just be on the menu for tomorrow morning, now that I mention it……

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Similarly, if fat is okay, you could make tuna or salmon salad with mayo, mustard, sliced celery and raw or lightly sauteed chopped onion — I’m assuming canned tuna and salmon. You could also add chopped hard-boiled egg. Have it on lettuce instead of bread.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m a fan of smoked salmon and sardines. They don’t require prep. Might those work for you for snacks?

    3. office hobbit*

      I should have clarified that I count fish among meat haha, but thank you for these suggestions so far! Fish is the meat I feel best about eating so these will be helpful. And yes, fat is a-ok!

      1. Jay*

        How about pork rinds, snack wise? I know it might count as a “meat”, but I don’t think most kinds have much carbs.

    4. Robin's sister*

      I drink three Ensure Max Proteins every day, because I have a damaged esophagus and have problems with food. Each one has 30 grams of protein and 1 gram of sugar. There’s a plant-based one with 20 grams of protein and 7 grams of sugar if you would prefer that.

        1. AnonRN*

          The Max Protein does contain sucralose….that’s how it only has 1 carb. Fake sugars are a deal-breaker for me taste-wise, but if you don’t mind it they are easy to find at many grocery and warehouse stores. There are actually lots of protein drinks at my local big grocery, including plant-based, dairy-based, and fully vegan with or without “real” sugar. Some are marketed more as fitness supplements and some as meal replacements or nutrition support, so read all the ingredients! (They make caffeinated Ensure too.)

          Personally, though, I am pro tofu scramble for breakfast!

      1. office hobbit*

        Well now I feel silly, I’d just assumed that tofu would be similar to beans since it’s made from soybeans, but I just looked it up and there’s very little carb to protein! Thank you!

        1. Wellie*

          It’s surprising, isn’t it? Edamame are higher in protein than other beans, but do still have carbs. Maybe they would meet your needs?

    6. The Person from the Resume*

      Greek yogurt can provide protein, but if dairy is out…

      Use protein powder and water to make protein shakes. Or buy protein shake meal replacement.

    7. Double A*

      I also prefer to limit meat, but if you have a medical professional recommending it, then I think you might need to reexamine that preference particularly if it’s truly just a preference and not an intolerance. Like, most people in America (I’m assuming you’re in the US, which is the worst for this) should eat less meat because overall they eat too much, but you may need to eat more. And that’s okay.

      I just say this because I have struggled with being “okay” with eating meat even though I eat far less than average and was vegetarian for over a decade. I’m now in a place (picky husband and young kids) where that choice doesn’t work for my life. There’s a lot of times I feel bad about it, but I’m trying to accept it’s okay for needs and abilities to change.

      Anyway if eating less meat is a medical limitation and not just a preference, please disregard this comment!

      1. Double A*

        And if you are open to reexamining eating meat, personally we eat mostly chicken and turkey which I know has a lot of environmental issues but is the most efficient in terms of feed to meat ratios. A turkey patty or just a fried chicken thigh could be an easy breakfast.

        I’ve also started eating cottage cheese with jam but I’m going to assume based on your dairy comment that that’s not an option. It has a ton of protein, though. If dairy is an issue because of lactose, you can look into lactose free options.

    8. Sunflower*

      I got into a habit of eating the same thing for breakfast every morning- 1-2 eggs with liquid egg whites added and some veggies with salt, pepper, garlic. Sometimes i eat with avocado, salsa or spicy taco sauce. I don’t love a lot of breakfast foods so this isn’t super difficult for me- it also helps reminding myself that this let’s me eat more of what i love later on in the day. I know there are things like protein pancakes and waffles but they might be too high in carbs for you. Cottage cheese packs protein and can be easily mixed into most foods. Cauliflower is not especially high in protein but is a common bread/carb substitute.

      Check out keto facebook groups- a lot of folks share recipes where they’ve found subs for popular carb-y dishes mainly by using eggs or cottage cheese instead.

      There are tons of different flavored protein powders- including things like iced tea and lemonade which can be confused on it’s own.

    9. Jay*

      Here me out:
      Have you looked into eatable insects?
      I can tell you from experience that some of them are quit tasty.
      They can be made into snacks and mains.
      I don’t know if you would consider, say, crispy crickets “meat” or not, but it could be worth a try.

    12. TPS reporter*

      I always eat s protein bar or shake for breakfast. there’s a ton of low or no sugar options and non dairy. I like the No Cow brand.

    13. office hobbit*

      I fell behind on individual replies but thank you all for the suggestions! I’ve made notes and am going to the store later today!

      To answer some questions: limited meat is a preference thing (moral + environmental); I already have meat with about a quarter of my meals and would like to avoid having more, hence asking for tips! If there were no other options, I would bite the bullet and have more meat, but you all provided good ideas to check out–thank you! The no dairy is a digestive issue (lactose intolerance + headaches, so lactaid/lactose free doesn’t always save me); I can have small amounts but prefer to reserve my “allowance” for favorite cheeses and spoonfuls of ice cream, which somehow the universe has not taken from me yet haha. Bugs might be an option if I can find them. I have a couple of protein bars I enjoy and appreciate the protein shake and other bar recs! I will keep an eye on artificial sweeteners if I go that route. Somehow quorn has flown under my radar–I think I assumed it was basically the same as other vegan “meat” options–but I think I’ve seen it at the store. And thank you for the recipe links!

      1. No name today*

        I also have lactose intolerance and found that goat cheese is a safe cheese for me—just not every day. Goat cheese and spinach omelets, goat cheese spread added to salads, goat cheese works in quiche, etc.

      2. Rainy*

        I loved Quorn so much when I could still eat it! (They started adding pea protein to the products about ten years ago so no more for me, alas, but I really enjoyed it until then.)

        Be careful with edible bugs if you have a shellfish allergy, just FYI. I’ve found that people who are enthusiastic about consuming insects tend to not consider the risk of allergic reaction.

        I love seitan and make my own (since commercial seitan often has either soy or pea protein in it these days), so if you ever want recipes hit me up–a post to a weekend thread that mentions my name will almost always find me.

    14. The Dude Abides*

      My breakfast protein shake is

      – 2 scoops of chocolate whey isolate (make sure it says whey isolate, not just whey protein)
      – 8oz coffee
      – peanut butter (100% optional, I do it for flavor and for the extra protein)
      – top off with milk

      Feel free to take this and adjust to your preferences/needs.

  48. Miss Buttons*

    Recipes? Looking for a very low-oil way to do roasted veggies in the oven on a cookie sheet. Oil must be very minimal because it sets off my acid reflux. I saw one recipe which called for a combo of oil and balsamic. What is “balsamic”? Is it balsamic vinegar? Balsamic oil? Balsamic salad dressing? And where would I find it in the market? With the cooking oils? With the salad dressings? Any suggestions welcome. Don’t need veggie suggestions, just need to know what to use to coat them.

    1. Samwise*

      That would be balsamic vinegar. Basically that’s a vinaigrette, I’d guess two or three oil to one vinegar.

      You don’t have to use oil to roast veggies, you can dry roast them.

      Or toss with pomegranate molasses (= pomegranate juice cooked down til it’s syrupy. You can get it in middle eastern markets) or boiled cider (same idea, cooked down cider).

      You could mix thinned out yogurt or buttermilk with whatever spices you like and coat with that. Keep an eye on it tho because it can burn pretty quickly.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Line your baking sheet with parchment or aluminum foil, use a cooking oil spray to lightly coat it, and lay your veggies on top. If you find that they stick to the surface and are difficult to remove, then next time either slice them a bit thicker, or lay them on a cooling rack that you place over the baking sheet. Spray the rack with cooking oil spray, as well.

      If you’re roasting eggplant, I find that it doesn’t roast well without oil if it’s sliced or cubed. Instead, bake the whole eggplant in a hot oven until it collapses and the skin is a bit charred or brown. Then slice it in half and cut or scoop out the flesh and season it.

    3. Llellayena*

      Melted butter or ghee? Brush the oil on instead of pour and toss? Is it all oils that are a problem or can you switch to a different oil (watch the smoke point though)? I think I’ve seen recipes that use mayo to roast veggies, don’t quote me on that though. Roast eggplant whole (prick the skin) and it doesn’t use oil. Several veggies can likely roast without oil, though you might need to experiment.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      You can use a light dusting of spray oil.

      For carrots for example, I would:
      • Put the chopped carrots in a large bowl with room for tossing.
      • Drizzle on a very small amount of oil and toss.
      • Potentially then add spices, or the pomegranate molasses or vinegar.
      • Line my baking sheet with aluminum foil so it’s easy to clean up any charred-to-the-pan bits.

    5. Lynn*

      I’ve successfully used cooking spray for this. I spray it on the pan (a little heavier than I might for simply non-stick purposes), spread out the veggies, and then spray them on top in the same way.

    6. Alex*

      Yes, I would agree about the spray oil. You can buy olive oil spray oil–I would just use that!

      But the balsamic is referring to balsamic vinegar, found usually near the salad dressings and other oils and vinegars. It will have a strong flavor though, that you may or may not like.

    7. Pretty as a Princess*

      You can buy oil sprayers that you fill with the oil of your choice and then can basically mist veggies with it.

      1. Rainy*

        I’ve used these and found them pretty unsatisfying. They also have a much heavier spray than if you buy canned oil like Pam, so you’re definitely getting a lot more oil with one of the oil sprayers. I’d probably just buy a canned oil (they do olive and avocado in addition to canola that I’ve seen) and use that.

  49. format a new laptop?*

    Does a brand-new (not refurbished) SanDisk flash drive need to be formatted or otherwise initialized before using it on a Windows 10 laptop? Google doesn’t give a clearcut answer, saying “Usually not” rather than YES or NO.

    1. 653-CXK*

      No. I’ve bought other flash drives (I call them thumb drives) and unless there’s a specific reason why you need to format it, you can put it your machine without issue.

      1. format a new laptop?*

        Thanks, and I need to correct myself — my post header says “laptop” but I’m asking about a flash drive aka thumb drive, which luckily was what you replied to.

    2. WFH4VR*

      YES. My sister got a very destructive virus from an unformatted flash drive which she bought, brand new, at a Staples. It had some sort of advertising spam. Always format USB drives!

      1. format a new laptop?*

        So now I got a NO and a YES … I guess the prudent thing would be to format it. I do wonder if it was a brand-name product like SanDisk or some no-name Staples product.

  50. Firebird*

    Have you ever used an electronic pest repellent and did it work? Trapped a mouse the other day, which probably means there are more. I put out bait and more traps and I’m wondering if the electronic repellents actually work.

    1. Pearl Puffin*

      I have tried several different name brands and they didn’t seem to work. Rodents don’t like mint. There are mint sprays and throw packs available that you might have luck with. They make your house smell good too.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I haven’t had any luck with the electronic repellent. The only thing that ever worked when I had mice was to identify where they were getting in and plug the holes. They are such determined little buggers, they avoided every single bait and trap I used (and I used them all!)

    3. Dancing Otter*

      I used a two-pronged approach: tuckpointed the house and got a new cat. He had a lot of fun, and no more live cat food could get inside.

      Note that you should not let your resident mouser eat his kills if there’s any chance the mice were exposed to poison.

  51. Goose*

    Pigeons are obsessed with my balcony! Sorry to my cat who loves watching themm, but they’re everywhere. I have plastic owl that doesn’t seem to be deterring them. What have people used that has actually worked?

    2. Just a name*

      We use flashy tape because it moves in the wind. It’s called de-bird scare tape on Amazon. We tape it to a string that we tie across the area we want to protect. The owl only worked until they realized it didn’t move, then they would sit on top of it.

      1. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

        We put a moderately thick coating of Vaseline on our balcony rail which worked well to keep the pigeons from landing. We just had to remember to not lean on the rail…lol.

  52. Lore*

    Pet peeve du jour: last time my coffee maker died, I got a new brand they were carrying at Target that had some features I really like, including a customizable warming time up to 4 hours. Fast forward a year and my partner dropped the carafe and it turns out CafeGG doesn’t offer replacements. I could order a couple of different models of “universal” carafe but given that the carafe from my old machine is a completely different shape and size, and I can’t find any that reference this model, I’m reluctant to spend $25 and wait ten days to find out it doesn’t work. So now I just bought a cheap coffee maker I don’t even want, which doesn’t have the features I like, but which costs less than it would cost to buy coffee in the morning for ten days.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Not having my coffee my way leads to a less than great day. Luckily I use a stovetop percolator so a breakdown is unlikely but it does end up being a 30 minute process.

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