are these men hitting on me, or legitimate business contacts?

by Alison Green on March 25, 2025

A reader writes:

In the past year or two, quite a few people (typically middle-aged men) have been reaching out to me via LinkedIn (I am a 20-something woman) trying to recruit me. While I do have a lot of experience, I’m wondering if it’s odd that some of these professionals are reaching out to me, as I am under the impression it should be the other way around. They are the ones with the experience and connections while I’m the one building my network. My settings are set to the “not seeking a job” setting, and it’s clear on my profile that I am currently employed, and yet I still receive these fairly regular messages.

After connecting with them, they often message me with professional questions, like what I’m studying or what my career goals are, that turn into where I live, how old I am, what I like to do for fun, etc. While none have them have been outright creepy, many are definitely heading in that direction and my spider senses tell me to shut it down before it gets too far.

I tend to respond to the messages I get because they often ask about my interest in a potential job or industry and I don’t want to turn down a future opportunity. But how can I tell when someone is generally interested in my experience or just in the fact that I am young and a woman? This is a problem many of my friends have also experienced, too.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 139 comments }

{ 139 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Overthinking It*

      Just ignore their questions, and ask one yourself: “Do you gave job opportunity you want to tell me about?” (They probably say something like: “Not at the moment but we are always looking fo new talent.” Then you say: “Then I look forward to talking with you when we have something mutually beneficial to discuss.” If they persist: “I make a point not to socialize on this platform.”

      Reply ↓
        1. Zephy*

          +1, reply to “not at the moment” with “I see. Enjoy the rest of your day.” and block them. “I make a point not to socialize on this platform” makes it sound, to these entitled male ears, that there IS a platform where you DO socialize and you’ll tell them what it is.

          Reply ↓
          1. Reality.Bites*

            There is no reason to reply before blocking. These people know what they’re doing and there’s no requirement for interaction of any kind.

            This isn’t how recruiting works. Block creeps on first message, before they get overt about it.

            Reply ↓
      3. Ellis Bell*

        This is great phrasing. I’ve always shut it down once it gets to “So what are your hobbies?” level of pointless, but there’s usually a grey area before that point where you’re not sure if you’re squashing all chances of valuable networking. Of course, if this happens enough times you get to a point where you see it coming from space. One more reason why LinkedIn sucks.

        Reply ↓
    2. BellStell*

      Yep. I no longer – as of four years ago – accept linked in invites from men I do not know or have a minimum of 10 people in common with and locked it down to avoid rando contacts. And I am mid 50s! Like anywhere on the net it can also be a cesspool.

      Reply ↓
      1. Reality.Bites*

        I remember a letter where men were hitting on a company’s scheduling or email bot because it had a female name. You’re a living human, which makes you an even better dating prospect!

        Reply ↓
  2. Wednesday wishes*

    They may not even be middle aged men, just photos they grabbed online. Could definitely be scammers trying to scam you about… something? But yeah, also hitting on you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon (and on and on)*

      In my experience, scammers tend to grab the photos of young, attractive women and then reach out to men, not the other way around.

      Reply ↓
      1. MK*

        That’s more reporting bias than statistical reality. There are plenty of scammers targeting younger people, often women, and these do tend to impersonate older, supposedly successful, men. But these scams tend to be more small-time, as younger people as a rule have less money to be scammed out of, so they don’t get reported as much; the “spicy” element also palys a role. The media is a lot more likely to make a story out of a man getting defrauded of thousands by someone pretending to be a young woman, than one about thousands of young professionals getting defrauded of a small sum each by someone pretending to be an executive.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bruce*

          This was not on Linked In but on a dating site: years ago when I was single I had a date with a woman my age who told me she had realized she had been horribly cat-fished, she’d sent the scammer a lot of money, not life savings money but enough to buy a used car. So scammers are out there targeting women…. but in the case of this letter it sounds like creepy older guys, for sure!

          Reply ↓
      2. Wednesday wishes*

        I don’t think it has to do with gender, but that “middle aged man” tends to be stereotyped as successful businessman, so trying to scam a younger person out of their personal info is a possibility.
        But the personal nature of the questions makes me lean a little heavier to creepy hitting on. Either way, they should just ignore and preferably block.

        Reply ↓
      3. Another Fed*

        I get “friend requests” from fake handsome middle aged men on Facebook on the regular. I’m 59.

        Reply ↓
        1. Why Are Men*

          I changed my FB profile pic to a cat and all those stupid “friend requests” stopped.

          Oh! Except for when I temporarily turned it to the Grim Reaper immediately after the last presidentital election. I got hit on by female-presenting scambots telling me how handsome they thought I was. :-D

          Reply ↓
          3. I forget my handle*

            Maybe they appreciated that you at least have a job. And a Grim Reaper will always have job security! That’s so funny :D

            Reply ↓
          4. Witch of Oz*

            “Nice scythe! I just LOOOOVE a man who works outdoors. And that black hoodie really brings out your eye sockets….”

            Reply ↓
        3. Distracted Librarian*

          I’m 58 and same. I also get them on Threads and BlueSky, and I get so many on Instagram, I’ve almost quit using the platform entirely. And they usually have chosen several attributes from the following list: widowed, military, Christian, family man.

          It’s exhausting.

          Reply ↓
        5. Just say non*

          When I was still on Facebook I recall one, apparently not successful, scammer presented himself as a middle-aged American man who was following a lot of Nigerian sports teams and had a lot of friend connections living in Nigeria.

          Reply ↓
      4. KayDeeAye*

        I get Facebook requests from scammers posing as nice-looking middle-aged men a LOT. And I mean, a lot lot lot. I assume this is because I am a middle-aged female. They steal the photo of some genuine nice-looking middle-aged man, create a profile and start sending out friend requests.
        I’ll get a friend request from some guy, and I used to think, “Did I go to high school or college with him or something? The name doesn’t sound familiar.” And then I’d notice we have no friends in common. And then I’d click on his profile and find out he has maybe 0-3 friends and has posted maybe 2 photos. So yes, scammers know no age or gender limitations. There are some phony friend requests sitting in my FB in-box right now that I just haven’t gotten around to dealing with. I get them alllllll the time.

        Reply ↓
      5. Wendy Darling*

        I recently got spammed by a linkedin account with a profile photo of a 30ish bearded man and the first name “Brandi”.

        I’m not saying there can’t be masc-presenting people named Brandi but I suspect they’re outnumbered by crappy spambots with AI-generated generic profile photos.

        Reply ↓
  3. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Yep, they’re hitting on the OP. Ignore/block/report as you deem appropriate, but definitely don’t engage further.

    Gentlemen – if you’re lonely, may I recommend a hobby that involves other people? Make some friends.

    Reply ↓
    2. I Like Being Kind*

      What if instead of being hit on through social media, you’re being hit on by in-real-life work acquaintances? What if you’re being normal and nice and they think you’re hitting on them?

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        keep your boundaries and respond naturally. This includes, but is not limited to: no, I am not interested in a date; no, I am not sure what gave you that impression; no, I am this friendly with everyone; I already answered no, why do you keep asking; what an odd thing to presume; this is uncomfortable, I need you to stop asking;

        add in please/thanks/f*** off as feels relevant.

        Reply ↓
      2. MigraineMonth*

        This is also common. How best to respond is unfortunately dependent on your relative levels in the organization, the importance of keeping a good relationship with that work acquaintance, how well your organization deals with sexual harassment, and what you know about the acquaintance and their reaction to rejection. Fun times!

        Personally, I’d go a bit chilly and stop talking about personal things in the hopes that they would back off. Still polite, but complete no-nonsense professional. This might also be a good time to casually mention any long-term committed relationships, incompatible sexual orientations (if safe to do so), or personal rules about never dating coworkers.

        Good luck.

        Reply ↓
      1. MusicWithRocksIn*

        Their wifes are probably super pleased they are out of the house and focusing on something else.

        Reply ↓
  5. Annie*

    It’s probably men hitting on you, which sucks.

    But given that it brought up this recommended link, this letter was worth it, because this is hilarious:
    men are hitting on my scheduling bot because it has a woman’s name

    Reply ↓
      3. Wendy Darling*

        I have a good chuckle every time I am reminded of it, because I used to work in chatbots and part of our stock setup was a recognition grammar and content to deal with flirting/sexual harassment that, by default, would prevent the chatter from getting forwarded to human support.

        Reading about one of these sleazebags getting ratted out to their boss continues to warm the black cockles of my heart.

        Reply ↓
      1. SummitSkein*

        My favorite line in particular is:
        Then I sat on it for a day to think about if it was too rude. I decided it was significantly more appropriate than asking out an assistant after a basic scheduling email, that if nobody ever calls this stuff out very directly it’s not going to get better, and that if it somehow cost me a client, I could afford to lose this one. So I sent it.

        The way I want to victory shout every time I read that.

        Reply ↓
        1. Elbe*

          YES! I really appreciated how this LW spelled out their thought process. It was such a good illustration of the fact that doing the right thing doesn’t always feel comfortable.

          Reply ↓
  6. Tea Please*

    This sounds a lot like the beginning of a scammer trying to get to know you. Scammers are not always young, beautiful women. They also impersonate men. Look up “pig butchering” crypto scams, and listen to The Economist’s Scam Inc podcast.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      Aren’t scammers supposed to pose as something elusive and tempting? Most young women can’t swing a cat online without hitting an older guy who thinks he’s entitled to their attention. Are the scammers trying to hide in the crowd?

      Reply ↓
      1. Daria grace*

        There’s been a huge rise in scammers (or people literally enslaved by scammers) playing a very long game. They spend weeks or even months developing what looks like a genuine friendship or romance before the mentions of the “investment platform” that’s helping them make money and that the other person should try start

        Reply ↓
      2. Wendy Darling*

        I don’t think they’re specifically targeting young people. In fact if they’re targeting anyone it seems to be lonely older people, because they tend to fall for it and also tend to have more savings than young people. But the truth is they don’t actually do a lot of targeting, they’ll basically try it on with anything with a pulse, so everyone gets hit eventually.

        Reply ↓
  7. juliebulie*

    Here’s another perspective: You can tell by my LinkedIn profile, which is quite robust, that I haven’t been in my 20s for a long time.

    I get ZERO of these kinds of contacts.

    But 30 years ago my phone would ring off the hook with all kinds of horndogs seeing me on Monster and wanting to talk to me about a “job” and wanting a picture and am I married.

    Of course there was a (molecule-thin) veneer of professionalism. I know the difference now because I’ve also had a lot of genuine professional contacts, but when I was in my 20s I used to ask myself what I was doing “wrong.” I had no idea how common it was.

    Reply ↓
    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Now that I’m in the mature woman stage of life, I get lots of social media contacts with pictures of very handsome, fit older men; I think the scammers think I’m old enough to be desperate for male company now.

      Reply ↓
      1. Corrupted User Name*

        If I had a nickle for every social media contact from a “retired military widower”, usually posing in a profile pic with a beautiful dog, who “wants to connect” because I’ve “sparked his interest”…well I’d at least be able to buy myself a couple craft cocktails!

        Reply ↓
        2. Wendy Darling*

          I’ve basically abandoned facebook (I still have an account because that’s the only way to keep track of some of my cousins, but I log in twice a year max) and these guys are the only friend requests I get at this point except for when one of my mom’s friends has their account hijacked by crypto scammers.

          Reply ↓
      2. Madame Desmortes*

        I got one of these on LinkedIn too. I’m in my early fifties, and I was no one’s pinup even when I was young.

        I instablocked and went on with my day.

        Reply ↓
        1. Distracted Librarian*

          I’ve gotten hit on via LinkedIn a couple of times; in both instances, I reported the accounts, then blocked.

          Reply ↓
      4. Ginger Cat Lady*

        Exactly. The kind of men who approach me has changed. The feeling of being treated like a dating target in a professional space has not.
        Dudes, you are not an exception to the “leave women who are working alone” rule. Let women be. It *can* hurt to “shoot your shot” or whatever the lingo is. Unless it’s a social setting, DO NOT flirt, ask women out, etc. Save that for your social life.
        And if your answer to that is “I work too much and don’t have time to have a social life” then fix that before you try to date.

        Reply ↓
      5. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I have a lying youthful anime avatar, and I so love telling some guys that I’m old enough to be their mother.

        Reply ↓
        1. Wendy Darling*

          I was trying to learn to count cards for fun at one point so I was playing a lot of free online blackjack, and for the first couple hours I had a cute anime girl avatar.

          I got a lot of DMs, and I did not like any of them, so I changed my avatar to a photo of a fish. PROBLEM SOLVED.

          Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      Ah, yes. The magical atmosphere of the day this just stops happening. It should be celebrated with ceremonial dress and dancing. A sort a quinceañera for a different stage of womanhood.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk*

        I know links futz up the comments here, but please look up Amy Schumer’s “Last F***able Day” sketch. Great stuff.

        Reply ↓
      2. Arrietty*

        I appear to have inadvertently found the cheat code; my profile photo features my toddler as well as me.

        Reply ↓
  8. bamcheeks*

    If there’s one piece of advice I would like to give to all younger women, it is lean in to trusting yourself when you get “hey, is he hitting on me” vibes. Firstly, you will rarely be wrong. Secondly, you honestly have very little to lose if you are: you can still make a calculation like, “should I shut this down or is it a relationship I need to keep friendlish”, and it is 100% OK to decide on “keeping it friendlish”. But you can just cut out the wasted energy that comes from second-guessing yourself.

    You get SO MANY contradictory messages when you’re growing up assumed female that on the one hand you are supposed to assume that any man who talks to you is a potential threat and protect yourself accordingly, and on the other hand that you’re up yourself / stuck up / conceited etc if you ever dare assume a man is interested in you. Just do not spend any time questioning it. If you feel it, 99.9% it is exactly that, and on the unlikely chance that you’re wrong, you are not going to be ill-treating someone by taking a metaphorical or literal step back.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      Even better. As Alison points out, ask yourself “would they be asking me these questions if I were a guy?” No, no they would not.

      Reply ↓
    3. MigraineMonth*

      This is absolutely true when it’s a guy you don’t want to be hitting on you.

      I will caution that everyone is susceptible to confirmation bias when they are looking for *reciprocated* interest.

      Reply ↓
      1. Catherine UK*

        I’m a young-ish woman who is lucky enough to not get creeped on at all, but I’ve learned to watch out for my own confirmation bias when I think a man I’m interested in (a rare thing in itself) is hitting on me!

        Reply ↓
    4. bee*

      Another point I want to add about trusting your own instincts about whether or not you’re being hit on is that, in my experience, straight men will almost never own up to hitting on a woman (unless the woman is interested back and agrees to a date). All that to say you will almost never get clarity from the man if he was hitting on you or not, so you may as well trust yourself. Like, a man will go to his grave claiming he just likes to help random women in their early 20s find their career passions before he’ll admit he’s hitting on them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Saw Palmetto*

        Interesting…does this vary at all, from what you’ve seen, based on how appropriate it was for them to be doing so? For instance, I would think that a single you met at a party would be less coy about it than a married person with whom you work.

        Reply ↓
        1. bee*

          I do think creepy guys hitting on women in weird/ inappropriate venues are more likely to be deniers because they realize it would be a bad look for them to reveal they troll LinkedIn for dates. But men who are about my age have hit on me at a bar (so completely appropriate person and venue) and denied hitting on me when I turned them down. All “I wasn’t asking you on a date! You’re not really even my type! Don’t be so conceited!”

          I think it’s about not wanting to accept or face rejection.

          Reply ↓
        2. dawbs*

          well, IME, especially if a woman is turning them down, “are you hitting on me?” tends to get the response of *sputter sputter* “How arrogant, to think that I’m hitting on you! It’s not all about you, you’re not that attractive” responses–possibly with several appearance based insults.

          Reply ↓
      2. Cats Ate My Croissant*

        You can often tell by the way they act when you call them on it. Decent bloke who is actually interested in your professional skills: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across like that”. Sleazy bloke: “you’re so up yourself! Why would I hit on YOU?! I have hundreds of hotter / younger / thinner women throwing themselves at me daily!”

        A case of ‘the creeper doth protest too much, methinks’.

        Reply ↓
  9. DE*

    Some of it might be men hitting on her but I don’t that’s the majority. I wouldn’t discount the possibility that random DMs are mostly bots on any social media site. They’re phishing.

    Reply ↓
    1. MikeM_inMD*

      Whether they are wanting her body or her money, it’s unprofessional and deserves to be ignored or reported to LinkedIn.

      Reply ↓
    2. different seudonym*

      Don’t underestimate the VERY high number of passes that people who are conventionally attractive enough to raise their sexual partners’ social status can field, especially in situations that are risk-free and relatively anonymous. Mid-twenties often fits that criterion.

      Reply ↓
        1. Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk*

          Reminds me of a funny screenshot I saw the other day. A teacher had left voicemails for some students’ parents and got the following response back (all mistakes in the original):

          Yo you called me about some girl in yo class and I ain’t got no daughter just yet so I’m afraid you got got da wrong digits but you gave me baddy vibes through the phone so don’t be shy dialing up these digits again maybe I could take you for some spaghetti or Something

          Reply ↓
          1. juliebulie*

            From the noises I’m making, I’m not sure whether I’m laughing or crying. I think it was “spaghetti” that pushed me over the edge.

            Reply ↓
    3. Another Fed*

      I wouldn’t discount the number of men who think every public space is like a candy shop for them to look for women.

      Reply ↓
      1. Saw Palmetto*

        Aka, the rejects. I think that a large part of why people get stuck single is that they end up with that slightly desperate edge to them (which other people can pick up) and unless you work to correct it, things just spiral.

        Reply ↓
        1. Moose*

          Yeah, true. The more desperate for a partner you are, the more off putting it is for anyone who might otherwise have dated you. Some people decide to go for quantity of people asked out rather than actually seeking out people who are open to that attention, which is also shooting oneself in the foot. Even if someone was attractive, asking me out at work would likely be a permanent no for that person in all future situations imo

          Reply ↓
          1. goddessoftransitory*

            If you read Dr. Nerdlove, he gets these guys on the regular–just vibrating with rage and desperation through their entire letter but insisting they’re “doing everything right.” My dude, you are not.

            Reply ↓
    4. Jake*

      I’ve been on LinkedIn for a decade. I’ve gotten 0 scammer/bot reach outs. I spent most of that same time in her age range. The only difference is our gender. I’d say, they are real men being real creeps.

      Reply ↓
  10. Emily (not a bot)*

    I do get recruiters and sometimes non-recruiters reaching out to me about jobs and it is indeed really clear from the outset it’s about a job. The interaction is very structured: there’s a specific role and they typically want to get me on the phone very quickly to sell me on that role and see if I’m potentially qualified. We’re not chatting.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hannah Lee*

      And then if you are not a *good fit for the job* they want to get off the phone as quickly as possible, they don’t want to burn daylight chatting about hobbies.

      Reply ↓
    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      That is a good litmus test for these calls — are they talking about a job or do you get the sense that they would be about to sniff your hair if they were in the same room.

      Reply ↓
    3. duinath*

      And if you’re second guessing yourself, just ask. …Not about their hobbies or how they feel about long walks on the beach, but ask them to tell you about the job they’re hiring for.

      At that point, if (when) they say something vague or try to ask you more about you instead of letting you know basic info about this mysterious “job” you can feel more confident in not responding to them anymore.

      Reply ↓
  11. HailRobonia*

    Alison’s commnent ” I can promise you, they are not messaging mid-20s men and asking what they like to do for fun” is like the perfect litmus test for “is this sexist/”

    Reply ↓
    1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      If it’s a scammer or a bot, I could actually see that being the case (after they switch to a different sock puppet profile). I’ve run into a lot, though never on LinkedIn.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jake*

        I’ve been on LinkedIn for a decade, and as a man I have never had a bot or scammer reach out. These are likely real men being real creeps.

        Reply ↓
  12. Touchofthe'Tism*

    Ugh, dealt with that so much in the workplace, it sucks. Including when I’m open about being a lesbian, doesn’t matter.

    Reply ↓
  13. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

    No one with any sense chats on LinkedIn. If there isn’t a specific ask or offer, I’d block or ignore. I’ve used it to reconnect with people I lost touch with, but…you know, people that I KNEW.

    Reply ↓
  14. Khatul Madame*

    LW should review her LinkedIn privacy settings and disable messages from individuals that are not her connections. Legitimate recruiters will likely have a LinkedIn Recruiter or Premium account and will be able to reach her via InMail.

    Reply ↓
    1. econobiker*

      Actually alot of #pigbutchering scammers use the paid LinkedIn InMail function to contact profiles directly without prior connection. I imagine they use scammed gift cards to purchase the InMail function without having to identify themselves as real persons.

      Reply ↓
      1. Arrietty*

        A lot of… what now? I would Google it but I don’t want to see the results that would probably come up and not be relevant.

        Reply ↓
        1. Katie Impact*

          It basically means scammers who are playing a long game: you spend time fattening up the pig (building a personal relationship with someone) before you butcher it (get them to give you a bunch of money).

          Reply ↓
  15. Elbe*

    I can promise you, they are not messaging mid-20s men and asking what they like to do for fun.

    1000% this!

    If you can’t imagine someone saying the same thing to a guy your age, then it’s reasonable to assume they have other motivations. This isn’t a court of law – you don’t have to prove their intentions beyond a reasonable doubt. It’s okay to use your best judgement when there are clear indicators that the conversation is moving to places you are not comfortable with.

    Reply ↓
    1. TQB*

      THIS RIGHT HERE. I have no idea of the demographics but it certainly seems as though at least half the recruiters out there are women.

      Reply ↓
    2. Saw Palmetto*

      Agreed. I get LinkedIn Mail from recruiters (28M with the worst RBF you’ll ever see) and it’s always an even split.

      Reply ↓
  17. Czhorat*

    I agree with the chorus: they’re hitting on her. In my industry I get a LOT of unsolicited recruiters messaging me on LinkedIn. None ask about hobbies, my age, or anything personal. They pretty much all just offer me more money, better working conditions, more prestige. Relatively few can deliver, but that’s cold-call recruitment for you.

    There are definitely enough alarm bells here to – at least – hit the block button.

    Reply ↓
  18. James*

    Speaking as a cis man, albeit a gay cis man… can men just stop doing this BS? If nothing else, you’re making life harder for yourself and for all other men, as we’re all being thought of as creeps because of your nonsense. As a female friend once put it to me: “it’s not *all* men, but it is *any* of them, which is the same thing” – a truism that stopped me dead in my tracks. And to my fellow cis men: if you see this happening, say something to the man doing it. Subtly (“mate, don’t”) or not subtly (“you’re a creep, stop it”) as the friendship/work hierarchy dictates.

    Reply ↓
    2. Artemesia*

      This. It is not just obviously creepy guys or incels or phony ‘alpha males’ who do this — it is pretty much everyone. EVERY SINGLE major professor I had from undergrad advisor to masters thesis supervisor to doctoral chair hit on me. when I was a super naive 18 year old freshman my philosophy professor tried to date me. Yeah I was attractive when young but not incredibly beautiful and I have never been flirty — it is them not us. The thing that distinguished decent guys from creeps was that decent guys who crossed that line took ‘no’ gracefully without making it awkward or retaliating whereas the creeps will try to ruin your life.

      Reply ↓
      1. deesse877*

        The description of your education is depressing but not surprising. There still are institutional cultures like this (in most disciplines, it happens in some departments, programs or labs, but not all; philosophy remains notable in my experience as an absurd cesspool almost everywhere) but it is no longer the norm across academia.

        Reply ↓
      2. Saw Palmetto*

        They weren’t decent guys if they hit on you while they had that level of power. Taking ANY kind of rejection gracefully is a key part of human character, but there are times when it’s not right to ask at all.

        Reply ↓
      3. Hroethvitnir*

        Good god. I’m sorry. I have never, ever had an established male academic creep on me or my younger female friends now I’m not a spring chicken.

        My honours year supervisor did tell us about a dude who everyone knew was creepy and were just careful to warn young women/keep him away from them at conferences… which was depressing, that apparently he was fairly untouchable? But that’s doing a lot better than 100%!

        Reply ↓
    3. Shiny Penny*

      Well put.
      Look up “Schrödinger’s Rapist” by Phaedra Starling for a classic 2009 online essay about exactly this.

      Reply ↓
    4. Saw Palmetto*

      I don’t actually know how many men who would listen to you or be willing to do that, have friends who will act in that manner (and yeah, I’ve given cat callers a tongue lashing before; can’t imagine it changed their behaviour).

      Reply ↓
      1. Saw Palmetto*

        But yeah, this is why I gave up on dating. There is no amount of white knighting I could do, that would enable me to escape the consequences of the 5-10%’s general creepiness.
        And if you think I’m downplaying how many people are creeps – 5-10% is QUITE enough to cause problems for everyone else, especially when a larger 40-50% shield them and the rest are quiet and complacent. An insurgency of under 1% of the population can topple a regime.

        Reply ↓
      2. Hroethvitnir*

        My (male) partner has called out young guys who pull out misogynistic bullshit when it’s just them. While I don’t think it *fixes* it, when they’re doing it as part of fitting in, having an older, masc dude be like “ew, no” can definitely have some impact.

        Reply ↓
  19. Been at this too long*

    I get these messages from men, too! But a slight twist: I’m Asian American, and the unsolicited LinkedIn messages or invitations to connect are from mostly young-ish and middle-aged Asian men I don’t know. They’re often not even in my field or located in the U.S. IGNORED.

    Reply ↓
  20. Artemesia*

    I spent my 30s constantly thinking men who wanted to meet with me and get coffee and talk about my research at conferences were interested in my research. I was married, had a child and was not a particularly flirtatious person — but the hits just kept coming till I wised up.

    Unless the person opens with ‘we have a job for a llama architect that looks like it might be a good fit for your experience’ or ‘I am putting together a publication and looking for someone to write a chapter on llama architecture and that looks like something you are expert in’ the overture is almost certainly hitting on you. No one is asking the ‘boys’ what they majored in and what their career interests are and what they like to do for fun. Even then the job dangle will probably morph into something personal — but at least there is a chance it is professional.

    Absolutely stop responding the moment it gets personal — no reason, no excuses, just slam the door.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Or creepy men. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck, not “bots and scammers”
      But sure, dismiss the experiences of women dealing with this kind of stuff from crappy men all the time and just “wonder” if maybe it’s not the actual problem.

      Reply ↓
          1. Saw Palmetto*

            Well, that’s exactly what I think could be happening in some of these cases. I get a lot of these kinds of attempts over WhatsApp. But in the end, whatever it is, the best response is the same: block.

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  22. Jake*

    Well, I’m a 36 year old man on LinkedIn, and I get reached out to about twice a week. 100% of the time it is a recruiter that has (what they think is) a relevant opening or an old coworker.

    I’ve never been asked personal interests. It has never progressed beyond the professional stuff except for minor fluff questions about family.

    At least 95% of these people are either scammers or hitting on OP.

    Sorry.

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  23. I forget my handle*

    The Burned Haystack Dating Method is great for dealing with online and other dating. But it is also helpful in other settings. The author is Dr. Jennie Young. She is a professor of rhetoric. By analyzing wording you can figure out what the unspoken intentions might be.

    These dudes are creeping on you. Dr. Young would say B2B (Block to Burn). Doing this in the online dating apps force the algorithms to give you fewer of these profiles.

    All of this to say, don’t stress about it. Just block those pointless messages.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon attorney*

      seconding this and the philosophy, which is that scammers and PUAs reveal themselves by the language they use and the best approach is to block. don’t engage and don’t waste your time explaining why they suck because they’ll just use that information to get better at sucking . block and get on with doing something more useful with your time. you don’t owe these guys any of your precious time or attention.

      Reply ↓
  25. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

    I am old enough to have experienced the joy of bring called in to interviews to get hit on in person. The block button is your friend.

    Reply ↓
    1. duinath*

      augh. wasn’t there a letter about that as well, someone wanted to “interview” in a coffeeshop, just the two of them, repeatedly, and it turned out the guy had nothing to do with hiring?

      …the fact i’ve now heard about two times this happened does make me feel a little sad, ngl.

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  26. Magpie*

    I found it interesting that the response says recruiters will never start a conversation asking about goals. I work in an in demand field and frequently get messages from recruiters on LinkedIn, and at least half the time they’re not recruiting for one specific job, they have many clients and a whole list of jobs they’re trying to fill. These recruiters often open by asking to have a conversation about my career situation and goals so they can determine whether any of the jobs they’re working on would be a good fit for me. These are not scammers, they’re verifiable employees at well known recruitment firms in town. In the LW’s case, it sounds like these guys are creepers, but in certain industries, messages from recruiters might look a bit different than just “here’s a job, are you interested?”

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    1. Daria grace*

      Even then, I’d expect them to provide some context about who they are and why they’re asking not just launch into random questions

      Reply ↓
  27. Raida*

    The answer is….!

    Maybe. Maybe Not. Yup, Nuh, Of Course Not, Clearly.

    You are right to treat them as professional an legitimate, be polite and give them the opportunity to *not* be creepy *and* to be creepy.

    You won’t know until it happens, and so just go in with a light touch. It’s good networking, and you’ll learn who is and isn’t professional on LinkedIn. No point in overthinking it because the exact same words from two different people mean different things.

    Reply ↓

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