coworker asks someone to get him food every day, new hire took the “fork in the road,” and more

by Alison Green on March 4, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker asks someone to get him food from the cafeteria every day

I work as a consultant for a company and have an older male colleague (in his late 40s) who has mobility issues due to his weight. He sits almost all day and arrives very early before anyone else arrives. He cannot walk more than a few feet without pain and asks me (or another colleague) to grab meals for him at the cafeteria almost daily. He gives people money for his food, which is always junk food, and is very apologetic and appreciative.

Most people, including myself, bring packed meals and rarely eat in the cafeteria. It’s very awkward being put on the spot, especially since everyone is polite and usually willing to help anyone. I’m a classic “people pleaser”, which is something I really need to work on. My work crosses paths occasionally with this colleague so I don’t want any bad blood impacting my interactions with him. I don’t know him very well and he is not a “work friend.” Even if he were, it is still an uncomfortable situation.

While I sympathize with his chronic pain issues, I’m fed up and not his personal assistant! His boss often travels overseas and is rarely in the office. Due to my role, I work for an outside vendor with an unrelated HR team. He’s not in a supervisory role over anyone here, including me. If he needs a disability accommodation, that’s between him and his manager. How do I handle this colleague tactfully and avoid being offensive?

“Oh, I’m sorry — I’m not going to the cafeteria today!”

That’s it.

If he asks if you’d mind going anyway and you don’t want to, you can say, “I’m sorry, I can’t — I’m swamped.” He’s likely to stop asking pretty quickly.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s an outrageous imposition that he asks people for help. There are probably people who don’t mind and who see it as a kindness they’re happy to offer, and it’s reasonable for anyone to say no if it’s too much of an inconvenience on any given day or in general. I think the issue here is more that you don’t feel comfortable saying no than that he’s asking in the first place! Kindly saying you can’t do it should take care of it.

2. New hire took the “fork in the road” and now we might not be able to hire a replacement

I’m hoping to get a sanity check from you on a situation that just happened on my team. I know you generally say employees have to do what’s in their best interests, and sometimes burning a bridge is worth it, but this whole situation feels like more than just the “cost of doing business.” I work for a large federal agency in the D.C. area. Unlike many federal employees who are seeing their work slashed and burned, the team I lead has been launched from complete obscurity to being very high-visibility and is working incredibly hard. We used to be a strict 40-hour week team and now we routinely have team members staying past 8 or 9 pm to get all of our tasks done.

During this time, we put out an internal job posting to hire a senior individual contributor position. We did interviews and selected someone who seemed pretty qualified, though not “knock it out of the park” qualified relative to the other candidates. He accepted and started working on the team recently. Within a couple of days after he started, our HR informed us this employee had taken the deferred resignation option, aka Elon Musks’s “fork in the road,” and his last day would be about two weeks after starting. The employee never informed us of any of this, and what makes me particularly peeved is that he sent in his deferred resignation several days before interviewing with us and accepting the position.

All of this would fall under “not cool, but I guess we’ll just deal with it” except for one additional wrinkle: people who leave under the deferred resignation program can’t get their jobs backfilled. (Actually, my agency has to give up a billet for every single person that opted in, even if they don’t actually leave.) My supervisor is fighting to make the case that the unit he belonged to when he first resigned should be the one losing a billet, rather than our unit that he was in when he signed the final paperwork, but we don’t know how that’s going to turn out. We also don’t know, even if we can fill the position, whether we can just call up our second choice and make them an offer, or whether the rules will require us to go through a lengthy re-posting and re-interviewing process. And all the while, my team of junior employees are working their asses off without the help of a senior who could relieve some of the pressure.

Either way, there’s nothing I can do, but am I off-base in thinking this was much more egregious than a standard situation of a new hire backing out? I feel that at least, the employee should have told us he opted in to the deferred resignation when he received the offer, so that we could have made an informed decision.

Yeah, that’s pretty crappy. In fairness, it’s possible that he wasn’t confident that the deferred resignation email would be honored, since there’s still plenty of doubt about that. And he might have figured that at this point he doesn’t owe any particular courtesy to an employer that’s treated its workforce so disrespectfully (and … there’s something to that). But yeah, he screwed your team to get something for himself (which I wouldn’t say if he didn’t put you in a position where you might not be allowed to re-fill the job).

However, it’s far, far more absurd that HR didn’t tell you before the hire was finalized! That’s relevant info that you should have been made aware of, and it’s either by extreme incompetence or deliberate design that they didn’t.

3. Should I tell my employees that someone assaulted me?

Content warning for sexual assault

I wish I did not have to ask this. I live in a very small community with a staff of about 10. I am a sexual assault survivor with CPTSD and anxiety disorder from that experience growing up. Unfortunately, this weekend I had a stranger break into my apartment and attempt to rape me. While the assailant was caught and arrested and I was able to fight them off (and I’m in therapy), I am understandably very shaken up and this has opened some new wounds. Is it appropriate for me to tell my employees what happened in general terms and ask them to be careful when approaching me, especially from behind over the next few weeks as this is very triggering for me? This was all over our local media and some of them already know, and I have taken the next few days off of work because of the event.

How awful, I’m so sorry. Yes, you can absolutely share with your employees what happened in general terms so they have context for the requests you’re making (requests that will be completely understandable to anyone once they know why). “Broke in and attempted to attack me” will carry enough relevant information if you’re more comfortable with that wording.

I hope you heal as quickly as possible.

4. The lack of clarity of “Sunday at midnight”

I’ve always had a pet peeve as a student when I would get assignments that were due on, say, “Sunday night at midnight.” Does that mean you need my paper by Saturday night going into Sunday morning, or do you need my paper by Sunday night going into Monday morning? Because midnight is the start of the next day! I never asked because nobody else seemed to have an issue, but more importantly, it would only be a real issue if you weren’t completing your assignment in a timely manner. I always made a point to turn in my assignments at least 48 hours before a deadline anyway, so there was no reason to bring it up.

Now, I’m a grad student who’s a teaching assistant for a professor, and I’m responsible for writing the homework assignments for his undergrads. I tell students, “Submit this assignment by Sunday at 11:59 pm.” I feel this is much clearer than “Sunday at midnight,” and if a student were to, say, procrastinate on a lab report, a 60-second difference will not matter.

The professor, however, said that I should keep the “Sunday at midnight” vernacular because it’s industry standard (not just in our field, but in others). The actual amount of days given to complete the assignment was always correct, but I didn’t say anything because I feel like my concerns will be dismissed as mere semantics. It’s one of those weird little things where you feel silly for wanting to argue more for it, but you also feel frustrated because that means the other person is being equally silly for arguing against it. So then you just don’t argue to keep the peace but still have unresolved frustration. How common is “Sunday at midnight” in the working world? What should it mean?

It’s incredibly common!

And I am right there with you on it; you’re essentially giving a deadline that’s a day earlier than what you really mean and causing unnecessary confusion. The real deadline is Sunday at 11:59 pm. I think people are willing to live with it, though, because it’s not going to result in a student being late; if someone takes it literally, they’d be a day early instead. That’s still not particularly fair or clear … but if assignments were late as a result of it, they’d be more moved to change it.

5. Dealing with someone who’s in denial about their unreliable email

A physician I see regularly is having problems with her email. I’m sure that the problems are on her end because (a) they happen repeatedly, (b) they happen with no one else in my contact list, and (c) other people (like my occupational therapist) also have problems with her email communications. Sometimes she doesn’t receive emails that I’ve sent her, but she also sometimes says she’s sent me an email that never arrived in my inbox. (I’ve checked for these emails thoroughly). I’m not sure if the problem is that she’s very loose in how she handles her email or if there’s some technical issue on her end. In any case, it’s causing me real problems from time to time.

When I’ve brought this problem up, she’s been resistant to the possibility that the problem is on her end. She either shrugs off the missing email or implies that I somehow missed it or inadvertently deleted it — but I know, from ongoing exploration, as well as others’ communications with her, that the issue is definitely on her side. It feels quite rude to say to a professional, “I know that this problem might seem like a one-off, or like it might be a technical glitch on my end, but I have been tracking patterns for a while now, and I can tell you with confidence that some of your emails are not arriving and that you are often not getting the emails I send, and it is causing Big Problems. Could you fix it?” In some ways, I would prefer a simple workaround that acknowledged the situation without demanding that she address it: something like, “Since, as we’ve discussed, my emails don’t always make it to you, is there another way I could be corresponding just to make sure we’re communicating reliably? If I have a question, would you rather I call and leave a voice message with the question, or email you and then call to confirm receipt?” Does either of these seem likeliest to work, or most appropriate?

Sure, that’s appropriate.

But note at least for half the problem (the half where she misses your emails), you don’t even need to sort it out with her ahead of time. You can simply assume email isn’t a reliable method of reaching her and just switch to calling instead (or emailing and then calling to confirm receipt). The piece that you have a lot less control over is when she thinks she’s emailed you but hasn’t — so I’d focus on that piece of it. For example: “For whatever reason, your emails don’t reliably reach me. I don’t want to miss important messages from you, so can we switch to a different communication method, like texts or phone calls?”

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{ 74 comments }

{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. If you engage, you are ensuring that troll will reappear. Instead, please flag the comment for me (just reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it).

    A change to previous requests: please don’t reply “reported.” Enough people report these comments that you can trust it will be dealt with. Do not engage at all. Thank you.

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  2. MSD*

    Given the unnecessary information that the lunch is usually junk food it seems like the coworker’s unwillingness is more about their cowaorker’s size rather than inconvenience. I wonder if they’d feel the same if the coworker’s mobility difficulties were due to something other than weight.

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      1. Wayward Sun*

        I had that thought too. People who develop mobility issues often gain weight as a result, because you inevitably end up more sedentary.

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        1. Not Australian*

          Thank you for making this point. Able-bodied folks – including members of the medical profession who should know better – seem to think that ‘if you were more active you’d soon lose all that weight’ is sound advice, whereas sometimes the weight piles on simply *because* it’s impossible to be more active.

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      2. Myrin*

        I was put off by the “junk food” comment as well but regarding this point, I assumed the coworker had actually told OP that his difficulties stem from his weight (I’ve had people say that to me so it was my automatic assumption, although I obviously could be wrong).

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    3. Pumpkin cat*

      Yah, letter writer #1 does not sound like an especially nice person. I hope she never ends up getting fat and needing help herself

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      1. Allonge*

        OP sounds like they were never allowed to say no without a ‘good’ reason and so OP is looking for a ‘good’ reason, here.

        OP – you don’t need to feel judgmental about someone before you stop going out of your way to help them. I would guess some people do go to the cafeteria every day, maybe suggest to your colleague that they are better placed to help with this?

        As for you, you get to say you are not ok to do this regularly. You will not feel awesome – denying someone help is rarely a good feeling – but you are also not feeling awesome now.

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    6. allathian*

      Indeed, I had the same feeling.

      That said, I find it very difficult to ask coworkers I’m not particularly close to (friends and family are easier) for favors and always think it’s odd that some people do it as a matter of course. I’ll gladly accept if someone offers, though.

      The kind thing to do for people who do go to the cafeteria would be to ask the coworker with mobility issues if they need anything.

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      1. Wayward Sun*

        I think it’s a cultural thing. In some cultures you just ask and the person is free to say no. In other cultures you don’t ask unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes, and people don’t say no without serious justification. Different parts of the US are different in this regard.

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        1. yvve*

          it does seem, at the very least, *inconvenient* as a long-term plan. Like, it’s one thing if this is a temporary issue like a broken leg, or if most people go to the cafeteria daily and you can ask them to grab something on their way back, but it seems like in this case he’s having to ask people who are not currently on their way to the cafeteria, daily, to see if they are going and if so can they bring him something– seems annoying for all parties!

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    7. yvve*

      yea, very much so. It’s not your responsibility to go get food for a coworker regardless of reason for the difficulty walking. If it’s an accommodation issue, then it should probably be worked out more officially than “ask coworkers to go get food for me”. But that is all entirely irrelevant to what disability he has and why– treat this exactly like you would if he were in a wheelchair and had trouble getting to the cafeteria

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  3. Happy meal with extra happy*

    I find it disheartening the references to “he sits almost all day” and that his lunches are “always junk food”. The only relevance/reasoning I can see for including this information is to imply that he’s less deserving of sympathy and help because it’s his fault, and if he just moved more and ate “better”, he wouldn’t need as much help.

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    1. Pumpkin cat*

      I’m fat and have trouble getting around. But the joint issues predate the fatness, in fact they were a big cause of the fatness (getting disabled at an earlyish age led to some emotional eating and also a lot less movement!). Props to this fat dude though, asking coworkers to go get his junky lunches and bring them back to him (though we only know they’re “junk” from the LW, they could be something normal like a sandwich that the LW considers junky). I never eat junk food in front of anyone as a fat person. For all anyone knows, I eat green smoothies and bean dishes 24/7.

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      1. allathian*

        Yeah, same. I can’t say that being fat hasn’t made my mobility issues worse, it absolutely has, but I’ve had mobility issues my whole life, as in I was almost exactly 24 months old when I finally learned to walk unaided.

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        1. KateM*

          Okay, now you are scaring me, because our youngest was 22mo (and 12mo when learning to crawl)! Were there any other indicators? Say, in next years? At 7yo that kid seems mobile enough…

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          1. Jill Swinburne*

            If at 7 your kid is fine, it doesn’t sound like there’s much to worry about – obligatory I Am Not A Doctor but I read allathian’s comment to mean their mobility issues were the reason they were delayed in learning to walk, not that it happened later in life.

            Some kids just aren’t that bothered about changing up how they do things, but of course see a paediatrician if you’re panicking!

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          2. Emmy Noether*

            I can look up the exact reference later if you want it, but I remember there being a study referenced in Emily Oster’s “Cribsheet” that there is no statistical correlation between mobility milestones as a baby and later athletic ability. Logically, I’d expect mobility issues in a baby could lead to delayed milestones, but most of the time it’s not that. Unless your paediatrician has indicated it’s cause for concern, I wouldn’t worry.

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    2. RCB*

      Yes, the judging was BAD in that letter, and as a fellow junk foodee I want to add some more context: From appearances I am relatively healthy looking, I am pretty normal weight, but my diet is TERRIBLE, I eat a lot of junk food. Why? It doesn’t make me gag, I can actually eat it. I have some food issues and oftentimes normal food just makes me gag so much that I can’t eat much of it, or I’ll have absolutely zero appetite for anything real like I can get 1 or 2 bites of a cheeseburger and be disgusted and not eat more, but then be able to eat 6 cupcakes, a bag of doritos, and lots more. If it weren’t for “junk food” I wouldn’t get enough calories in a day, so don’t judge people by what they eat, sometimes it’s all they CAN eat.

      And please, I don’t need advice on what may help me with my eating issue, I am not here to get diagnoses, I have a handle on my own situation and understand my own parameters.

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      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I always remember this dietician I knew who made this amazing caramel sauce, which she said they used to make for some of the geriatric (I think) patients at the hospital she once worked in to serve with ice cream. I was really surprised (cream?! Sugar?! Butter?! That’s not healthy!) until I clicked that it was about getting calories and easily used energy in, and nutrition in certain circumstances is a secondary goal.

        We’ve all been fed (lol) so many black-and-white rules about food that I think a lot of people fail to grasp that there are nuances.

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      2. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

        I hear you, and I get it!

        I think my food issues are probably less severe than yours, but I do have issues such that a lot of foods other people find delicious are inedible as far as I’m concerned, because they literally gross me out.

        I struggled for years trying to train myself to eat like a “normal” person, and it was… not fun. There came a point where I gave myself permisdion to just eat the things I actually enjoy instead of constantly trying to force down stuff that makes me gag. As a result, life is much more pleasant. Also, I am perfectly healthy – go figure! X-D

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  4. Person from the Resume*

    I agree with LW#1, but I also agree with AAM’s advice.

    If I’m not going to the cafeteria for myself, I don’t want to make a special trip as a favor to someone else. I’d personally feel bad about saying no, but I totally would say “no.”

    I’m not a person who thinks “it doesn’t hurt to ask.” If I’m asking for help I’ve often swallowed my pride and agonized about it so I feel bad about saying “no.” But I’ve learned that “it doesn’t hurt to ask” people do not agonized about this and just ask without anxiety but also usually accept “no” without drama.

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    1. JR17*

      I agree that it’s reasonable not to make regular special trips to the cafeteria as a favor for someone you aren’t close to when you aren’t going yourself. But I’m not at all clear that the coworker knows OP#1 isn’t going to the cafeteria for her own lunch. It sounds like she hasn’t done anything except say yes when asked?

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      Yes, I’m very worried about people who don’t think they’re allowed to say no! Sure, you’re not just going to bark “no” in his face, but “sorry I can’t” will do, or simply say you’re not headed there, have too much to carry, you’re busy etc etc. Maybe this is something for OP to practice? This can’t be the only question the OP gets asked they need to decline.

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  5. Retirednow*

    Re the Sunday midnight question: I taught university for many years and we always used the day of the week and 11:59 PM. Midnight is not an industry standard.

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    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      Yep. At my current school everything that is not turned in in class is due at 11:59. When I went to a different school online, all assignments were due at 11:59. I think it’s very normal and way more clear.

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    4. Trick or Treatment*

      Same, both my workplace and the university I am enrolled at always use 11:59 for deadlines. Clear communication is easy, so why not do it.

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    5. Always Science-ing*

      Agreed. I’ve spent my entire career in academia – and am a stickler for clear language. I’ve always used 11:59 PM. It avoids any potential for misunderstanding.

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    6. Elf*

      When running grant programs I would advertise the closing time as 11:59pm Sunday; in the system I would have the closing time being 12:01am Monday. This avoided any issues with someone trying to submit at 11:59:30 because ‘it’s still 11:59!’ when the form closes on the minute (eg 11:59:00) and avoided any potential snafus with midnight (but wasn’t so much time as to give anyone an unfair advantage).

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    7. Jill Swinburne*

      This makes me nostalgic for my student years before online submitting, when our lecturers would go “your assignment is due on Monday at 5pm. As an aside, I won’t collect them until I start work at 9am on Tuesday so if your assignment is there then I will assume you submitted it on time *shrug*”

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      1. Elf*

        Haha! The joys of ‘as long as I get it into the slot before 9am when they empty them all out it’ll be fine!’
        And for me it was only a 2% penalty per day, not 10% like I see now!

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      2. Disappointed With the Staff*

        I studied engineering and 7:59am or 8:59am was a common explicit deadline.

        A friend who studied architecture said that would have been torture for them because architecture had a culture of working on things until the very last minute so an early morning deadline would mean one extra all-nighter for most of the class. The architecture industry at large often has 5pm Friday deadlines for tenders etc, and a few terrible firms that strongly prefer that junior staff work excessive hours.

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    8. AcademiaNut*

      I went to university in the day of paper assignments, and the hand-in time was always sometime during office hours. I now work in a field that has submissions with strict deadlines, and the time given is usually during business hours of the office that’s receiving stuff, so any major tech issues happen when IT is in the office. Deadlines are specified with the time, date and time zone.

      So I don’t see anything wrong with saying that the hand-in deadline is 6 pm, or 9pm, or something simple and unambiguous. Or, if you’re really evil, 9am.

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  6. phira*

    LW 1: I agree with other commenters here–it does seem like you are implying you would respond differently to his requests if he were physically smaller, and/or if he asked for food you perceived as healthier. Treat his disability like any other disability, stop worrying about what he’s eating, and go from there.

    LW4: Oh my goodness, I’m having so many flashbacks right now from when I worked in academia. We absolutely had to use “Sunday at 11:59pm” language, including the time zone (including whether or not it was Daylight Saving Time or not!), or else we invariably had students emailing us about what we meant, or getting upset if they had the time zone wrong and submitted an assignment late. However, we had a very, very strict late policy, including that we did not accept any weekly homework assignments late at ALL, so we had to be very specific down to the minute.

    Basically, “Sunday at midnight” should be fine unless you start getting a lot of confusion from students about it.

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    1. KateM*

      I know that a course that I was on, and that has electronic submitting, had many students late because the lecturer had set the deadline “Sunday 0:00” meaning “Sunday midnight” (really Sunday 24:00″).

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      1. KateM*

        And I mean, the lecturer had themselves thought it was going to be the midnight between Sunday and Monday, and so did many students – just to be greeted upon submitting with a message that they are 23 hours or so late.

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  7. Bye Academia*

    2. I get that you’re in a tough position right now, but I honestly think what’s going on in the federal government makes his hedge LESS egregious than it would be under normal circumstances. The new employee had no idea the fork in the road deal would be honored, and no idea of the future stability of his new or old agency. Your agency may be busy and expanding now, but things are changing so fast how can he trust his new position is safe either?

    I do also wonder if the employee intended to take the fork deal based only on his old job and stay in the new one (since people were encouraged to seek other work), or even that he tried to rescind the fork deal once he got hired and wasn’t allowed to?

    I really feel for you and all the federal workers in this time of uncertainty, and I hope your workload will improve soon one way or another. Thank you for your service to the country.

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    1. Not a Fed*

      Agreed. One of the challenges across government and contracting right now is that the “old rules” don’t apply. No one knows what rules and norms will be followed so people have to try and make decisions that are best for themselves.

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  8. Z Fed*

    LW#2, your compliant should be addressed to DOGE.

    #1 the resignation went to OPM and not the employee’s agency. The agency’s HR had no idea who resigned until very late in the game.

    #2 not really a jerk move because the fork in the road guidance was very uncertain. People resigned only to find out they were excluded from the offer; although, they got the email. The guy did the right thing for him to accept the promotion in case his resignation was not accepted.

    You should direct all frustration and anger at DOGE. If your office is so important DOGE should have excluded it but they’re a mess. Their goal is to die chaos and fear. Can’t blame the guy very briefly your coworker for getting out.

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    2. bamcheeks*

      Yes, given the massive and devastating impacts on other agencies and services and on individual workers, it feels kind of misplaced to blame this one individual worker. I cannot really find fault with this person for trying to keep their options open in all this chaos, and I think you really try and shift your thinking. Even though your work is high visibility, you’re not insulated from the impacts of the slash and burn, and that’s firmly on the people in charge.

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  9. Safetykats*

    It’s interesting that you’re more peeved at someone who just exercised an option offered (a buyout) than you are at the people who set up a system in which you can’t replace someone regardless of your ability to accomplish your work without them. Or at the HR organization who continued the transfer process for someone they apparently knew was leaving. Why is that? Because it seems like your idea of who and what is egregious is pretty misplaced.

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    1. Language Lover*

      It’s unclear but since they talk about how the other department should incur the inability to re-staff, it sounds like this person may have come from a different government agency. They pursued the option while at their previous role but also continued to investigate this new role because of the uncertainty whether the resigning option would come to pass. They got the new role but shortly after their resignation was approved.

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  11. Cmdrshprd*

    OP3 ““Broke in and attempted to attack me”
    I would even say that just saying someone broke in to your house is enough, you don’t need the “and attempted to attack me.” to ask for people to give you extra consideration when approaching.

    I am really sorry for what you had to go through.

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  12. LoPerry*

    Just wow… re: OP 1: It doesn’t matter that the man is overweight. He has mobility issues. Period. People of EVERY size have mobility issues. People of EVERY size have reasons for pain.
    Your opinions are irrelevant and cruel.
    What someone eats is not your business. NO ONE knows what kind of food he can/cannot eat. No one knows what he eats when he’s not at work. No one knows how/why he chooses what he chooses.
    I make choices some days because of gastrointestinal issues and they wouldn’t necessarily be considered very healthy, but I still have to eat.
    Please keep politely declining to help this man because your attitude IS going to leak out.

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  13. Daria grace*

    #1: it is extremely plausible that the mobility issues were the cause of his weight gain (or that there’s no causation involved) but you can’t tell for sure and it’s none of your business anyway. Between the assumptions about his weight and the assumption that you’re going to have bad blood for not doing a favour for someone you know is nice and apologetic, you need to work on your attitude to this guy. You don’t have to start doing favours but you can at least have a good attitude.

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  14. Chris*

    As frustrating as it is to OP2, I can’t really blame their newly hired colleague or HR in this situation. Everything employment-related in the federal government is so up in the air right now what somebody understands one day may be totally different by the next day.

    Wish them well and make the best decisions you can going forward.

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  15. Adultiest Adult*

    Commenting in support of OP 3. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and grateful to hear that you already have good therapeutic support. I tend to also favor the “less is more” approach Alison suggested for situations like this. You don’t owe anyone details of your trauma in order to set boundaries. Please take care of yourself and know that this stranger is sending emotional support your way!

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    1. Mostly Apples*

      Also, the less is more approach is a kindness to anyone in the team who may be distressed from experiencing a similar trauma at some point themselves.

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      2. AnonymousOctopus*

        This. Also a CPTSD haver who experienced a later trauma made worse by all the other shit. I would really appreciate the fig leaf of “broke in and tried to attack me” without other details. Like, that’s fully enough for me to imagine months-years recovery time without anything that would trigger me or make me wonder how I should react.

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  16. RCB*

    #3: I’ve been in a slightly similar situation, fortunately not to the extent of yours but one that left me with some PTSD that I didn’t expect to get triggered at work. It did and I ended up running to the bathroom sobbing, but lucky my boss knew the back story and I was able to ask him to discretely ask everyone not to bring up this certain subject around me again. Yes I knew that I was being discussed behind my back but it was okay, it’s what I needed, I was able to pretend I didn’t know about it for my own mental health, because the bigger goal of making sure it didn’t happen again was more important. My point though is that since you already have people in the office that know about it maybe you can designate 1 or 2 specific people as the point people to text if you’re in the bathroom crying or have to leave suddenly because you have panic attack, or can’t come in because you’re having an episode, and then they can handle informing people, that way it’s just gentler on you at work and for your own mind you can just pretend only 1-2 people know.

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  17. Nat20*

    Re: #4, if your institution (and professor) uses an LMS such as Canvas to have students submit assignments, when you’re creating the assignment the software often defaults to 11:59pm as the due time anyway (which of course you can change) when you select a due date. My students tend to rely heavily on their Canvas calendars to keep track of assignment due dates, and 12am *would* show up the incorrect way on there. Just to say that a) I completely agree with you and b) an LMS can help elimate that confusion, though it certainly depends on the software.

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  18. Mostly Apples*

    There was an issue with a flight out of our local airport that would leave at 00:00 Sunday (or whatever the actual day of the week was, I forget).
    The airport and airline staff were consistently dealing with people showing up 20 hours late to their flight.
    They changed the departure time to 23:55 Saturday (negligible difference); lo and behold, the confusion of travellers was avoided.

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  19. Adam*

    For LW4, I agree that “Sunday at midnight” is ambiguous, but “Sunday night at midnight” isn’t. That’s always the boundary between Sunday and Monday, the boundary between Saturday and Sunday is Sunday morning. So if they’re consistently using “Sunday night at midnight”, I can understand them thinking it’s clear.

    That said, being clearer is always better, so I would definitely recommend either “Sunday at 11:59pm” or “Sunday at 24:00”, both of which are even less likely to be misinterpreted.

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  20. Ellis Bell*

    OP1, if he’s “very apologetic and appreciative”, then this is a request, not a demand, and you’re fine to say no! He is simply trying to find the most convenient way to get help, which involves finding people who are headed in that direction, or who are genuinely willing. Saying yes, and burning with resentment at him simply because you said something you didn’t want to isn’t fair to you or him.

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  21. Spanish Prof*

    #4 – I quit doing midnight due dates after about a year of pandemic teaching. I’m not going to read the assignment until the next morning at the earliest, so why does it have to be in at midnight? So I made things due at 9:00a or even 12 noon (and I say/write “12 noon” specifically, a worrying number of students think 12p is midnight)

    Interestingly, while most students love the “extra” time (especially those who’d rather go to bed and finish in the morning), there are always one or two who say it’s confusing for a due date to NOT be midnight on the given day. So YMMV but overall I think it’s a positive change and just makes sense. What do I care if the assignment comes in at midnight? I won’t be reading it at 2am!

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    1. Katie Impact*

      The a.m./p.m. confusion is unfortunately not limited to students. I once got an interview for a university-related job at 12:15 a.m. and called their office who confirmed that yes, they really truly meant 12:15 a.m. and not 12:15 p.m. I figured, well, academic types keep weird hours sometimes. Showed up at midnight and nobody was there. Yep, they meant 12:15 p.m. Showed up sleep-deprived at noon and bombed the interview. If anything like that ever happens again, I’ll have to use the exact words “15 minutes past midnight” to request clarification, I guess.

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  22. Seal*

    #1 – The problem isn’t the man’s mobility issues, weight, or what he has for lunch, it’s that he’s asking/relying on his colleagues to run what amounts to a personal errand for him every day. He either needs to bring his own lunch or make arrangements IN ADVANCE to have lunch brought to him. Even if his mobility issues were short-term or such that he could walk to the cafeteria on good days, he still needs to plan ahead or have a backup plan for getting his lunch.

    Having had multiple knee surgeries over the past few years that limited my mobility for months on end, I’m certainly sympathetic to the man’s situation. But I also planned ahead and took my knee issues into account when making plans, especially if there was any walking involved.

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, an occasional request is OK if e.g. he forgot his lunch or his usual helper is away but people usually just want their break at lunch, or have their own personal things to fit in.

      Best solution is that he brings in his own lunch (as junky as he likes!) so he doesn’t have to ask anyone. Less good is asking a work friend to make this their daily task – but then he may soon be minus one friend.

      When disabled, always best to organise for yourself as much as poss, so that when you do have to occasionally request a favour you haven’t already exhausted the goodwill. (my longterm policy as a visually disabled person)

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  23. Dr Unavailable*

    #5: Unless the working culture for doctors is fundamentally different where you are to where I am, this clinician is being difficult to reach via email on purpose. This is not uncommon where I work and is done to try and set boundaries against a really unmanageable level of demand on their time. Switch to calling, and consider whether having timely responses is essential in whatever you’re seeing this person for – if so, the way they work might not work for you.

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  24. Zarniwoop*

    “ we routinely have team members staying past 8 or 9 pm to get all of our tasks done.”

    “ people who leave under the deferred resignation program can’t get their jobs backfilled”

    So you’re being given more work and fewer people to do it with? Time to stop burning yourselves out for someone else’s bad decisions and let those balls drop.

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  25. Honey cocoa*

    Op3 I’m so sorry. It may be helpful to others , who most likely very much want to help you,and to you if you can state the concrete examples you gave here: no unexpected touching (maybe just no touching) no approaching quietly from behind etc. some people need things spelled out – and you really don’t want anyone trying to swoop you into an unexpected hug. Again, I’m so sorry, take good care.

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  26. SBH*

    I’m an adjunct instructor teaching online, and I always say 11:59 PM Central Time. But I generally don’t count late if it’s within 30 minutes. I believe Canvas even allows you to set a buffer on “late” automatically. If the instructor wants you to stick with “midnight,” maybe you can communicate it to students in other communication. I do a weekly update email to my class. I give informal “helpful hints” based on common mistakes students in previous semesters have made.

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